#people who are suicidal or have killed themselves; if you're religious and believe suicide is a mortal sin; if you cannot offer

[oflgtfol]

it is really unfortunate the way suicidality is talked about nowadays because it’s either all a joke so it’s hard to discuss in a serious capacity or it’s so upsettingly serious that you can’t even discuss it without fear of like being institutionalized

[hindulivesmatter]

Why Gandhi is a piece of shit and you should hate him.

Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi has been established in our history as a "Mahatma" which means "great soul"

This man is anything but that.

He is EVERYWHERE. He's on our currency, he's revered as a hero who saved India, and we have a mandatory holiday on October 2nd in honor of him.

If you didn't know, now you're going to get to know why he was a horrible human being. Let's begin.

This man managed to fool people Martin Luther King and Nelson Mandela (among many others) into thinking he was a good person.

Here is some of the shit he's done:

In 1903, when Gandhi was in South Africa, he wrote that white people there should be "the predominating race." He also said black people "are troublesome, very dirty, and live like animals."

 Refused to have sex with his wife for the last 38 years of their marriage. He felt that in order to test his commitment to celibacy, he would have beautiful young women (including his own great niece) lie next to him naked through the night. His wife, whom he described as looking like a "meek cow" was no longer desirable enough to be a solid test.

Believed that Indian women who were raped lost their value as a human.

During Gandhi's time as a dissident in South Africa, he discovered a male youth had been harassing two of his female followers. Gandhi responded by personally cutting the girls' hair off, to ensure the "sinner's eye" was "sterilised". Gandhi boasted of the incident in his writings, pushing the message to all Indians that women should carry responsibility for sexual attacks upon them.

He argued that fathers could be justified in killing daughters who had been sexually assaulted for the sake of family and community honour. 

Gandhi also waged a war against contraceptives, labelling Indian women who used them as whores.

He believed menstruation was a "manifestation of the distortion of a woman's soul by her sexuality".

On 6th April 1947, he gave a speech where he said, “ If the Muslims are out there slicing through Hindu masses to wipe out the Hindu race, the Hindus should say nothing and peacefully accept death”.

He hated the great Hindu rulers, especially Shivaji Maharaj. To please the Muslims, he banned the book named ShivBhaavani which correctly depicted Islam’s intolerance and fierce fundamentalism spread by it.

Refused his wife life-saving medication (for religious reasons), but those religious reasons all of a sudden no longer applied to him when he was in a similar position.

Started a fast unto death when Ambedkar asked for separate electorates for Dalits.

Gandhi left his ailing father on his deathbed, to sleep with his wife. The child born out of this copulation died in infancy. According to Gandhi, the death of this infant was the result of this evil karma.

Gandhi, even when he claimed to be the angel of non-violence, made no efforts to prevent the British from deploying Indian troops at various locations during World War II.

Kashmir was invaded by Pakistan in 1947, the brutal Pakistani army committed heinous crimes against Kashmiri Pandits including mass rape and mass killings consequently many Pandits were forced to flee to Delhi and other places. In one incident Pandits took refuge in an abandoned mosque in Delhi. Infuriated, Gandhi threatened to fast to death if the Pandits didn't leave. The Pandits were slaughtered in a communal riot as soon as they abandoned the mosques.

Criticized the Jews for defending themselves against the Holocaust because he insisted that they should have committed public mass suicide in order to "shame" the Germans instead of fighting back. His exact words were, "But the Jews should have offered themselves to the butcher's knife. They should have thrown themselves into the sea from the cliffs. As it is, they succumbed anyway in their millions."

And this is all from a simple Internet search compiled here. I wonder what else is hiding if I do a deep dive.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

[remingtonisleithal]

I just think that what mcr did at the wwwy fest is beyond words, but I'm going to try anyway.

As a self proclaimed emo, I naturally feel nostalgia towards the 2000s emo culture, with the release of three cheers and the black parade albums, with fall out boy, with paramore, all of the songs with lyrics now written in our hearts being new. I feel incredibly nostalgic, but the interesting thing is that I'm nostalgic for an era I was barely alive to see. I'm a 2000s kid, I was less than a year old when three cheers was released. But I feel nostalgic towards it, I feel like things would have been better if I was born earlier to experience it.

But what MCR have done is they have said, to the media, to nostalgia, to the corporations bringing emo back for profit, not for sub-culture, is a big, total "FUCK YOU". And I think that's beautiful.

See, what my chemical romance is, and will always be, is something that you don't understand. That you can't quite grasp. Every time you think you know them, and decide who they are, they will do something so batshit to say "No. That's not us, we are whatever the fuck we want to be and we are proud of it." They did this in each era. They eyeshadow, they kissed each other, they wore all black, they wore bright colours and sang about a comic they made. They faked their fucking death.

So they wore their Revenge era outfits to the when we were young fest. This is already tongue in cheek, wearing something from when they were young to a nostalgia trip of a festival. But then adding in the prosthetics. Bringing you back to the present. Reminding yourself that that's not where you are anymore, the past cannot come back. And that's a good thing. Because they played all their hits, none of the niche stuff the mcrmy has a passion for. They didn't talk between songs and played the band they were supposed to be, pigeon-holed into for the longest time. So much so that it was killing them, it's why they split up. Because if they didn't, if they stayed the way they were told they were supposed to be, they would have ended up dead (evident by their outfits, particularly mikey, I haven't seen a single photo of his outfit and I heard that he was covered in blood, no prosthetics, which can be read into as something bad happening to him, leaving him to die young, which would have been the harsh reality if they pushed themselves into this).

My Chemical Romance has always and will always tell you who they are, which will always be the opposite of what people tell them to be. And right now, the media is making them into some sort of glorified revival band, but that's not it. They're just them. They don't want the fucking nostalgia to take them back to a place that nearly killed them. They never wanted to be pigeon-holed into being emo, even speaking out about hating the stereotype (which changed so much from what it was when they were growing up, it shifted into some kind of store-bought ripped jeaned teens with a passion for razor blades instead of angst souls surviving through music) and yet the same stereotype--which was once protested as being anti-religious, propaganda, a suicide cult and more--is being paraded around as a nostalgic gem to be worshipped. A trend. And you bet your ass that ray toro, mikey way, frank iero and gerard way are going to shit on all of that.

It was never about the money. The hits. The costumes. The crowds. It was about saving lives by being yourself, and looking into the past, reminiscing over how things were through the rose-tinted lens of time, isn't going to save anyone. It's going to leave you without anything in the present. You have to evolve. And bullshitting yourselves into being something you're not, or believing the grass was greener is only bullshitting yourself. It's not rebellion, it's suicide. The exact thing my chem is trying to stop. The haunting prosthetics serve as a reminder that while it's fun to revisit the past, you cannot stay that way. You have to carry on.

[bonesandthebees]

BEEEEEEEEEEE I just read the new chapter of through a glass divine!! I've been reading quietly for a while and I read the "original version" when you first posted it. this fic is definitely my favorite right now I can't stop thinking about it LOL but I just want to talk about the new chapter

I really want to know more about the deathling laws, since "choosing" how another deathling will die is a breach of it. to me it's really just a reminder of how tommy sees the good in everyone and wants to help people. he assumed that jack would understand, he assumed that jack would want to be helped, and there's obviously the part of him that loves jack as a friend and didn't want to see him die. it's just so painful, he was put in such an impossible situation that it makes me wonder how techno and phil let him go on runs at all. part of me believes that tommy would worm his way out anyway, but is there really no one else to do runs? no one older?

also tommy almost suffocated to death. again. I'm not sure how the timeline works but I have to assume that it hasn't been a crazy amount of time since the first incident. regardless of that though, sam didn't "enhance" his lungs at all. something something three strikes and you're out something something checkovs gun cough cough

jack "he tried to kill me" vs tommy "I tried to save him" is going to be CRAZYYYYY in the next few chapters. I'm very excited to see where you go with this <33

SNAIL!!! I had no clue you were reading glass divine but I'm so glad you're enjoying it so far!!

right now in my head, the Deathling laws aren't really a strict set of rules per se, but just some guiding points the Deathlings follow. one of the most important ones is that a Deathlings relationship with Lady Death is their own. no one else can define it for them, no one else can demand to know what another Deathlings relationship with Kristin is like unless the Deathling offers the information willingly. this also translates into 'death is a Deathling's personal choice'. while any kind of suicide is usually discouraged by the Deathlings because Kristin is supposed to be the one who decides when they die, they also operate under the logic that if a Deathling kills themself that's what Kristin already had planned for them (it's very hazy in a lot of areas because a lot of religious guidelines irl are not clear cut). and when it comes to situations like what Tommy and Jack were in, suicide could be seen as a valid option. if they had each made the choice themselves. but the thing was, again, Tommy decided that for Jack. He decided it was both his and Jack's time to meet Kristin, even though Jack was supposed to be the one to decide that for himself. does that make sense?

but yes, tommy was trying to help. he was terrified and acting on impulse, but he still took away a core part of their shared religious practice from jack.

also, technically yeah other people could go on runs. but even though he's young, tommy is also one of the most 'veteran' Deathlings in the temple besides Phil and Techno. he was one of the first to join this new group so he's been there the longest besides the leaders, even if he was only ~10ish at the time. of course he wasn't going out on runs at 10 years old, but he's had the most training and guidance from Phil and Techno and he started sneaking out to try and do runs on his own when he was about 15, so eventually they had to give in and let him go on runs so they could at least have someone with him.

it's flawed logic on Phil and Techno's end for sure, but as I'm sure most people know with my stories at this point, I don't write about people making the right choices. Phil and Techno know Tommy's young, but they also view him as one of the most experienced. that's why he's their best option for a runner. but now with this whole mess, the consequences of the things they've taught Tommy as he's grown up and the lifestyle they've put him into are starting to crop up.

oh also regarding Tommy's lungs, Sam said it was going to take him a while to get the supplies to upgrade Tommy's lungs. He fixed a few minor issues, but the upgrade hasn't happened yet because he's gotta build a whole new pair of lungs pretty much and that takes a long time.

again so glad to hear you're enjoying!!

[hungriestofbears]

I am pro Palestine and a Zionist. I believe the right for Palestinian self-determination and condemn Israel's war crimes. I believe Israel has terrorized Palestinians for so long that in many tragic ways, Oct 7 was inevitable. But to deny or even justify Hamas' war crimes against Israeli civilians when it was filmed is just pure hate and ignorance. I believe that Israel at the end of the war needs to fully withdraw from Gaza and the West Bank illegal settlements. I believe Bibi should be tried for his war crimes.

But is it distinctly antisemitic and xenophobic to call all Israelis monsters or nazis. It is antisemitic to call for the dissolution of the state of Israel. The Jews who fled there were refugees fleeing genocide who had nowhere else to go. The blatant acceptance of antisemitism around the world is more proof why Jews only feel safe in Israel. And no your token Jew friend who is anti-Zionist is too secular to feel antisemitism like the more religious people where Judaism takes up more of their lives.

There is so much propaganda and disinformation. If you can clearly see through Israel's lies, why are you so eager to believe Hamas' lies? It's a war. Of course they both lie. But to deny certain truths about Jews and Israel is antisemitic. You choose to remain ignorant to feel better about supporting terrorists. BLM has denounced Hamas. The global council of Imams have denounced them. North Korea and the dictator Khomeini has endorsed them. Hamas is not the future Palestinians deserve. Yes, Israel has hurt Gaza's infrastructure, but at the end of the day, Hamas is in power. They have used their 16 billion dollars of aid NOT in the infrastructure like desalination plants or pipes that Israel built for them - they have filmed themselves digging up those pipes for rockets and bombs. Hamas uses their money for war. They encourage their people to be suicide bombers because they value Jewish death over Palestinian life. If Hamas remains in power, it will be war forever. Palestinians will never have a chance at a stable country or to build up their infrastructure. They can't speak against Hamas or they will be killed. They can't be gay. A third of women are married off before they are 18. Yes, Israel has contributed to the destruction of Palestinian society, but Hamas has not done its duty as the 'democratically elected' leaders.

But if you could not point out the Jordan river on a map before Oct 7th, if you have never stepped foot in the Middle East, if you have never met an Israeli and/or Palestinian - you have the least say in all of this. Focus on your own government. Or the other actual genocides in the world. To frame the use of bombs in a WAR as genocide is blatant Holocaust reversal which is - the word of the day - antisemitic. And if you aren't Jewish and think "you're wrong that's not antisemitic" you would never ever tell another minority group who says something is racist that they're wrong. These are JEWS expressing their lived experiences. Israelis hate their government more than you and dread their IDF service, but it's necessary because Hamas and Hezbollah launch rockets into heavily populated civilian areas ON THE DAILY. Israel has just used their money on infrastructure to protect their civilians.

This question keep repeating in my head, how is it justifiable to kill hostages when they're about to be caught? Why not just leave them behind if they couldn't bring them with? There is no reason. But all I've seen is that "Israel probably killed them" "Hamas didn't do that" Hamas TOOK THEM HOSTAGE. They love killing civilian Israelis. "Hamas treats its hostages well" Eden was 79 lbs when she died. They filmed her. I don't want to get started, but justifying Hamas' actions is not the right thing to do just like justifying Israeli war crimes is not the right thing to do.

The truth is impossible to find nowadays. People want to be polarized and angry. They want to feel morally superior. They want their beliefs justified, not an inconvenient, uncomfortable truth. And the American left is full of antisemites. And Nazis. Your hatred only fuels this war and more people will die. I would say fact check your sources, branch out of your news bubble (Tik Tok isn't trying to feed you the truth, it will feed you misinformation to keep you scrolling for $$$), but I no longer believe people give a shit about truth. Jews have always been easy to hate and I feel stupid for believing people could be better. That things have changed. When Zionists are 90% Jews, your anti Zionism IS antisemitism, God.

I could keep going but I hate how long this is. I'm not looking for people to argue with or "debunk" this or whatever. I'm too exhausted for any arguments anymore. We are all so exhausted.

[kaermorhenatnight]

TW: religion, suicide, drugs, pedophilia, abortion, death

I fucking hate religion. I really want to say that "I hate the church" or "I hate ORGANIZED religion", but at this point I can't. I come from a very catholic country and was raised catholic (not by very strict devoted catholics but still) so I speak mostly from that perspective. And every time I hear someone say "not all catholics support the views of the church" or "you can't dislike christians just because of their religion, they are not necessarily homophobic/transphobic/anti-choice" my blood fucking boils. If they don't share the views with the catholic church, why do they still support it? Even by saying they are a part of it? Even if they don't personally give them money, they give them power. They claim they don't support the messaging of the church and yet still go to the mass every Sunday and bring up being christian and still progresive in discussions about homophobia in the church - can't you see you are just giving them more power, trying to claim they are not that bad (because of course you are not bad and you're christian so Christianity is fine, actually!!!) you ignorant potato?

And don't even get me started on "cool" priests. They are always an argument used to prove "not all priests are pieces of shit". Yet they still support fully that piece of shit of an organization, they belong to it. We have no problem screaming acab. Well, all priests are bastards.

But my biggest issue is that it's easy to say "you can believe whatever you want as long as you don't hurt others." It would be so nice if it was that simple. But religious people often hurt others in the name of religion while being fully convinced they are not hurting anyone. A religious parent kicking their trans child out or sending their gay kid to a conversion camp doesn't think they're hurting their kid. They are just practicing their religious beliefs. Motherfucking president of my country saying "LGBT are not people, it's an ideology", priests preaching "LGBT is a plague" - it's hurting people but they don't see it as such. Ikea worker quoting bible saying queer people should be killed and him getting fired cause he refused to remove that comment and claiming they fired him for his religious views - they really believe that. That them being bigots is not bigotry, it's just their religion. So what about that "not hurting anyone"?

Most religious beliefs (yes, not all of them, but the big majority of mainstream religions I came in contact with) rely on believing you're right and others are wrong - so your definition of morality and what is and isn't hurting others is the only true one.

Either no one's gonna see this post or I'm gonna get angry reactions but I just needed to get that off my chest. I might delete this later when I am less angry but right now I fucking hate how catholic my country is. I fucking hate nazi salute with a rosary on pride parade. I fucking hate hearing about another queer kid killing themselves because of the bullying and abuse they endured from religious people around them. I fucking hate the cult of John Paul II who was a fucking pedophile protector. I hate that people get sued for "hurting religious feelings" (this is a real fucking thing here) for making a saint Mary graphic with her halo being a rainbow. I hate that I lost a friend to drug overdose because he wanted to go to rehab but couldn't find one that wouldn't call him a "she" cause he was trans. I hate that pregnant people are dying because instead of performing necessary abortions the doctors wait for the fetus to die on its own and by that time the pregnant person has sepsis and dies hours later. Because the government is made of religious fucking fanatics. I hate the abortion "compromise" which basically makes abortion illegal completely. I hate all of that. Yes, I am an angry person. But if you're not angry at this point, you're just not paying attention.

[giorgiastastes]

El hoyo (2019)

"The message needs no carrier" (spoiler: it actually does)

"There are 3 kinds of people; the ones above, the ones below, and the ones who fall. "

I've just watched this small masterpieces and here's my own interpretation.

Obviously the whole movie is a big metaphor. Both an analogy about our society and one about the Afterlife are present.

First of all, in my view, the place they're kept into is like a Purgatory between heaven and hell. The protagonist entered there voluntary because after the six months trial he would have expiated his sins and would finally be ready to enter Heaven. The old man is an accidental killer, therefore he doesn't deserve Hell, but definitely can't go into Heaven either, and his punishment is longer than Goreng's because he did in fact end a life.

Also Goreng is referenced multiples times as the Messiah, and his travel towards this purge tower is quite similar to Dante's one.

Each prisoner wakes up the first day of the month in a different position, which represents our birth. Some are born in better environments, families and countries and all of it is just luck, fate.

Then, since everyone knows that each of higher floors will likely take advantage of their position, our selfishness takes the best of us.

The higher floors know that the lower ones will literally eat their leftovers, while the ones under know that they better take as much as they can, otherwise they won't be able to survive. There's no altruism or generosity in the society.

You're placed high, you sh*t on who's below. You're below, you dream to reach above.

Each of the characters represents something.

The first roommate, the old man, is someone who's very aware of their surrounding, who's tired of fighting and knows very well how the world works because he's been in a better as much as a worse situation.

The lady coming from the Administration is a middle class representative, trying to change the world but also completely unaware of what's happening right under her nose.

The fact that she keeps on saying that a baby cannot be there and there are 200 floors is just further proof that we blindly lie to ourselves that things can't be that bad, that the world isn't that evil and the rules are respect, being delusional of course, to help us sleep at night. That's why when she hits lower than what she was told was possible, she killed herself.

She's also a vegetarian, with a big love for animals. She obviously represents both an activist that is trying to tell others that they shouldn't eat more than they need, because that means that who's lower won't have anything left, which is such a big innuendo to climate change, but at the same time she's also a privileged person who's never been lower than a certain point and thinks that anyone can easily "just eat less" without caring about other's issues (it reminded me of some vegans who cannot accept that veganism is not accessible or sustainable for the majority of the would population)

The last roommate, the one with the rope represents a religious person, who endures the hardship without giving up because of his faith.

Another pragmatic sequence in my opinion was the one where the two, while descending the tower, met an ill man with a companion with the Down Syndrome (I'm sorry if I'm sounding insensitive is just that I don't know how else to better describe the scene to make it recognizable to you) who said that he will proceed to suffocate his cellmate to also eat what went into his stomach even while being no more hungry himself, I mean, can you better descrive greed than this sentence?

Now, coming to the final scene, which left many of the viewers disappoint or confused, here's my idea.

The deranged girl who claims to have a daughter is definitely crazy, but not completely gone. I do believe there is a baby there, and the Administration is probability unaware of that because there's someone higher than them, and they're being lied to, also. But I don't think the protagonist actually saw the little girl.

I think that he reached such a place of histeria that he convinced himself that the baby was alive, hallucinating, to have a last strand of hope as he was dying. Notice how the baby is perfectly clean and well nourished, that would be impossible. The little girl is long gone and dead God knows in which floor but he convinced himself that he saw her as a way of also hoping that some kind of humanity is still left, that they wouldn't kill and eat an innocent and innocuous creature. But that's not the case.

Notice how he reaches the 333th floor and then walks like he doesn't even have a scar. Now multiply that number for each room residents, which are two. He's dead and has now reached Hell. There he finds his first roommate who's also in Hell since they both damned themselves letting their selfishness take over. The lady is obviously absent, since she never hurt a thing or specifically ate someone's flesh.

The baby was all part of his imagination and she doesn't reach the 0 level, simply because she was never there in the first place.

The girl could have been the message if she reached the top, since it would have proven how flawed the system is, but she never will. Some people claimed that it is not possible to reach the top because of how fast the platform goes, that it will just crash on the ceiling. I do not agree. There's no point in letting the platform crash each time so it will probably slow down enough to reach level 0, in facts we don't even know how tall level 1 is.

Someone also claimed that it's impossible that no one else ever reached the top through this method, which means to go all the way down to then come back up. First of all, it could have happened and that person could have been sent back down, but what I find most reasonable is that no one knows how deep the hole is, probably up to hell, and no one is brave enough to do it because no matter how bad your situation is, you're still afraid of having it worse. It's a suicidal mission which led to crazyness and then death even our brave characters.

Another reference I've loved is when it's mentioned that usually the poorest kill each other's to survive, while the richest have the highest rate of suicide. Why is that? Easy, they have nothing to endure, to live for, they have everything, they're not longing for the hope of food plus there's frightening in knowing that the next month it can only worsen.

So now the question remains: What is the ending then if the baby doesn't reach the top? The finale guys was right in front of our eyes, around the middle of the movie. Remember when the chef complains to other cooks about the hair in the pannacotta? That's the real ending: the pannacotta reaches the top (further proof that the platform won't crash) as the message but instead of being interpreted as a statement of insurrection, the level 0 workers believe it was sent back because there was a hair in there. This is the ultimate slap in the face, the final proof that those people are so out of touch, so blind towards what's happening downstairs that they think that was the issue, the hair in the pannacotta, without realizing that people are literally eating each others down there.

So, there was actually a satisfying finale which gave us answers, it's just that the finale was not at the end as usual.

[msladyrosa]

I'm here to tell a story that my heart is screaming at me to tell.

This is me. I fucking hate myself, just as much as I fake loving me. I don't think I've ever been this contempt as I was in these photos. I'm awkward and I fake confidence by throwing sarcastic and snarky comments. My coping mechanism consists of lying and just hiding behind my fake me. I've created a confident, pretty and delusional front that isn't me, but it's just as real as the raw version. My raw is ugly and disgusting and I hate it. I hid it and for the love of the non existent God there is, I wish I didn't have the raw side. I write in my skin, because if I went back to cutting, then I would no longer have pretty skin that people can love. I love eating, but I don't do it, because of the fear of losing my 36,28,42 measurements. I'm suicidal, but heavens forgive if I make a joke about it in order to cope with my insane itch to make my skin purple. My arm hair is soft and the last time I shaved I was scared that someone might see the thin, white lines that are underneath. My body is sexy as fuck, but Heavens forgive me if I actually feel comfortable in it. Thoughts of "they'll be fine without me" or "it's better if I'm not here" are drowned by the words I told someone who was a suicidal as me, "killing yourself would not make the pain disappear, you're just passing it on to someone else". I'm such a fucking hypocrite, or is it just a twisted way of actual introspection? What is wrong with the way I walk funny because I'm dizzy for the lack of food is that people notice. Oh great deity in the sky, please allow them to notice, but forgive them is they dare to ask what's wrong. I look happy and relaxed in the photos, hell yes, but not I'm an anxious mess that's writing this in the middle of a mental breakdown. Parents are never the one's to blame, no forgive them for not validating their children's emotions and struggles. No, strict parenthood creates strong-willed, rightful and successful people that think of themselves as worthless, weak, pathetic excuses. Oh we lie, and we lie good. Ask actors if they had strict parents... You'll find none, why? Because strict parents will inforce you an internalized fear of failure outside of social norms and acting is "a waste of time" to their standards. Support doesn't come from the right sized bra, but it sure as fucking hell is welcoming to be held and somehow relived from a burden you didn't fucking asked for. I was so happy ya'll. I was in cloud nine. That day I had a date with a guy I like that I thought was way out of my league, I lied my way through his pseudo intellectual remarks and he believed it.

We know how to lie so good and so true that eventually you lose track of your actual motive to do it in the first place. Society wants you perky and pretty, fuck yeah they do. How do I get all perky and pretty when I only see disgusting, overdosed surroundings? It's easy to get worried when you finally realize somethings not right. It wasn't right to be kneeling at someone's feet screaming a nasty and raspy wail of pain. 10 years it took me to fucking do that and yet nothing really changed. Now I'm just looked at with pity and the quizzical look that can only mean "when is this one gonna blow up again?" Oh, honey, I won't, you're just worried that you're just realizing this now. It's easy to be outside and just stay that way.

I was so happy, all the time. I was forced to lie in order to move forward. You love me? Yeah, as long as you earn it. Are you proud? Sure, as long as you don't fail. Am I okay because I feel like this? Well, it's fine as long as you keep it in. It's beautiful. "As long as..." my reality had always been subjected to a condition, and clause, a fucking constant reminder that I have to earn my happiness. I have to earn my own idea of self worth that is diluted through your standards. I have to earn reassurance from the people I surround myself. I must assume the best case scenario but I can't be surprised when it's the worst outcome.

Having loved a mad human made me realize how flawed I am. I was happy. So, so happy I forgot I wasn't. I tortured myself through endless nights of doubt, starvation with a full kitchen. Sleepless nights contemplating self harm and then decided against it because I had work and the cute client at work would see how damaged I was. I tortured myself with the idea of loneliness in a see of people, only to realize I've been in that see long enough that I grew a tail and fins. I was plagued my guilt because I didn't love them, but when exactly did it go from happy to uttermost bullshit? I was so happy I forgot what sadness was.

I was so happy it started hurting. Hurting when I failed to do something. It was excruciating when I was not able to buy a car because I had noticed I had spent my money of pleasing those who swore they'd provide for me. I was in pain when I showered and instead of singing, I just blasted music loud enough so that nobody heard my hyperventilating bitch ass. I was in so much pain that I welcomed it as my way of happiness. I loved my pain, because I've had it my whole life.

I had it when I was in forth grade and in order to fit in I had to go a sneak around to kiss a boy, and I didn't want to. It was there when I was accused of fighting other girls, but in reality I was trying to establish my self worth, so I was punished. In fifth grade I loved a boy so much I had written beautiful words to describe how much I loved his smile, and so he said I was stalking him and he got scared; 2 months later I was in a shrinks chair talking about it; fast-forward to last night, that same boy explained to me how much he wanted to fuck me now that he had lost weight. Middle school was terrible. Seventh grade, I was constantly degrading myself because another pretty blonde chick was only my friend when she could laugh through me. I insulted a perfectly great teacher because she noticed my self destructive behavior. Eighth grade came and I was lost with a blonde boy. He was beautiful and I was not. He was friends with the girl that swore fielty to me and he chose someone else and because he chose the pretty pale skin on someone else, I settled for the kid that wantedto finger me in the bleachers during recess. Ninth grade came and I was failing classes, parents were strict and hurtful, but they aren't to blame for my shortcomings. That's when I found myself in the arms of the pretty blonde thing I had fallen for. The pretty girl had him in public, I could only have him when we snuck around and he would hold me and kiss me like holding on to his life line. I was letting him touch me, but my self hatred didn't know no boundaries so I suck to my knees and gave my first blowjob at the top of staircase wearing only a lazy purple bra and the school uniform and the shame I'll forever wear because I did it without wanting to, but because I was expected to.

I was so happy to be out of there, that I ended up sinking deeper into my lie. I was smart, new and vulnerable. That's how I met the wholesome boy I called my first boyfriend who was nice and respectful, but he was as ugly as they come. I was a queen to him, but he was looking more like the ogre on the fairy tale and there came my vanity, my ego, my selfishness. I was brutal and I couldn't care less. High school started with a bang with the boy I played with, and when he got to close to my actual raw person, I kicked him out with a bang and he cried. I just stood there not knowing how to react, so I just went on to the next person I could lead on and play. Junior year I knew was difficult, and a black boy with a nice boy and a promising basketball future came around, I once again craved approval and degraded myself to it. That's how I ended up sneaking around 10 minutes before my parents picked me up. In the second floor, I'd found myself again on my knees, and expected to give a blowjob in exchange for attention, and like before, I was hidden, and I expected to be I had tears in my eyes, but because of my shame. Senior year came in, and the black boy with the attractive body was replaced with another, but this one only had pretty eyes and the promise of spoiling me with his family's money. Once again, I said yes when he said he wanted me to be his girlfriend, at least this time I was not hidden, but I was back in the cycle and I ditched my best friend in a movie theater so that I would be in the backseat on a Dodge, sucking my pseudo boyfriend's dick with tears on my eyes, not becauseofhis size, but becausethe disgust towards myself. Like before, I was expected to do so, and so I did.

Heavens above forgive the religion to blame women for sin and lust, but instead punish us for the boys who couldn't keep their dicks to themselves. The end of senior year came, and I was relieved, but then I fell for the guy my parents liked. Humble background, similar interests, and a promise of stability. I was ditched because for him I was a whore and his friends told him so, I accepted the insults and insinuations.

I was so happy, I forgot the rest. College was great and a religious nut job, a platonic love, a semi smart dipshit with the complex of being over everyone in experience, a quiet mature man that treated me with decency, the suicidal broken guy who needed healing #1 and the suicidal broken guy who needed healing #2, later, here I am.

I was so happy in these pictures, I had no idea was contemplating my own disappearance. I write this with migrane, blue ink from a ballpoint in my thighs, with nostalgic memories of moments where my mind wasn't this crowded. I was so happy it hurt. I guess that my logic dictates that happiness is painful and that my pain can bring me joy, but fuck I was so happy.

I had everything. I was pretty, I was smart, I was important. I'm still all those things, but right this very second, I'm happy, and painful so. Heavens above forgive for I have sinned...

I dared to fail... I sinned

I dared to fall into lust... I sinned

I dared to judge... I sinned

I fucking dared to wake up every miserable day... I had sinned.

I dared to be painfully happy... I sinned

I lied... and so that's my greatest sin of all.

[astrognossienne]

Hey, is suicide really that bad? I know hurting your loved ones is extremely unbearable but at that stage you're hurting them on the daily basis 👻

Whether suicide is “good” or “bad” all depends on the case. There are rational and irrational suicides. Suicide is one of the most misunderstood concepts today, and people look at the issue without the proper understanding of it. Many times it is portrayed as a black and white issue, when it isn’t. A lot of the negativity of suicide, is based upon religion, selfishness, fear, whatever. Many people who are against suicide, don’t even understand how it feels to suffer, like those pondering suicide. They will tell the afflicted to just take medication, pray to God, or (like I used to say) that they’re cowards, but this is an insult to the person suffering. Despite popular opinion, there are good reasons for suicide, such as a terminal illness, chronic physical or mental suffering. While, there maybe theoretically a solution to these issues in their lifetime, which would change their mind, a lot of times there isn’t. This leaves a person to suffer needlessly, all because it was “possible” to find “treatment.” Some will even say “X” helped, and it will “work” for them, but every person is different. This creates the illusion that suicidal people are “giving up”, when the reality is that the opposite is true. This doesn’t mean that suicide prevention should be stopped, but that we look it it from a more logical conclusion, and we accept that suicide may be the solution in certain cases. Here are common reasons against suicide:

When you have responsibilities like raising a child, then suicide is wrong, you were responsible for bringing him in this world, you’re responsible for raising him. No child deserves to grow up without one of her parents, especially when it could’ve been prevented.

The “think about your parents” argument. Some people might argue that you have a responsibility to not leave them devastated and you owe them at least the courtesy of not killing yourself. sorry, you don’t owe anyone, they bought you into this world it is they who are responsible for you. But of course saying something on the grounds of “think about how sad your parents will be” to a suicidal person could deter him from commuting the act.

The religious notion of “playing God”; God has forbidden it, so killing yourself is, therefore, a sin. This can also be a deterrent, if said suicidal person is religious enough to feel the appropriate amount of guilt.

As far as the reasons for suicide:

Most people who kill themselves usually do so because of prolonged mental illness, usually depression or manic depression. A lot of people don’t know what it is like to be in depression, they know what it is like to be depressed, being depressed is a feeling, being in depression is having a really shitty disease, for a long, long time. Depression rots you on the inside until you forget who you are. It makes life dry and lifeless, you feel numb, worst of all you lose your purpose, your drive and hope. Now imagine living or rather existing like this, illnesses like manic depression some believe are incurable, they can only be managed through therapy and medication. Many people don’t get better through medication and therapy.

Some folks commit suicide impulsively (like the case of Chris Cornell), because of being overwhelmed

Some do it after years and years of struggle after striving to make their lives better and themselves better, trying and failing to like the game of life, to find their purpose, to make it meaningful, and lastly terminate their despair with their final act.

All in all, I believe there’s nothing wrong with suicide. This is because I believe that life has no inherent value, and anything that we come up with as a way to fill the void of meaning is going to be equally empty. We all live alone, with filtered projections of people passing for companions, whom we invest ourselves in as a way to ignore the void. There is little to no actual empirical, logical or rational case for human life having more value than say, a turnip or a hamster. Likewise those things have no rational intrinsic value at all. However, I will say this: when you’re dead, like I said before, you’re nothing. You no longer exist. If you want relief from your suffering, I’m of the belief that you have to choose to live. You have to reach out and find the courage to make tomorrow better than today.