#perfect rom-com with a secret agent side plot

[let-me-iiiiiiiin]

I saw a dream where a divorcing gay bishounen couple were moving out of their apartment (additional context: urban magic setting, some kind of secretly fugitive status, a sort of dictatorial power in the city) because of some sort of danger the red-eyed one was causing the other. They get caught up in plot shenanigans and end up on a wild goose chase pursuing a Russian guard (you know, with a raccoon cap on his head) who heard their conversation, and at some point the red-eyed dude shapeshifts into one of those identical looking-ass guards and ambushes the target. The red-eyed guy also catches his ex-fiance in his arms at some point and the ex startles at his disguise and exclaims "comrade (guy's name that I forgot)?!!" and gets smacked for it, because (according to the dream narrator) it would be incredibly conspicuous to call him comrade when he was disguised as a Russian guard?? For some reason???? Anyway they get back home to find a dark green truck driven halfway through the foyer wall— it's the red-eyed guy's moving truck. each hired their own transport, and the not-red-eyed man was like "Ha! Don't worry jerk-face, I hired my own truck too!" "...truck?" "Yeah, the license number is (random dream number)!" And the red-eyed guy, with the backdrop of a destroyed wall with the front half of a truck sticking out of it— front window supporting a circular shatter pattern— stares at him in absolute horror.

The scene directly cuts into the next one where driver is happily explaining that he accepted BOTH their job requests to kill two birds with one stone, while both of them are in the backseat with the most horrified and resigned expressions I've ever seen in a dream.

[lexis-lexica]

hello hello friends. I’m mina and I am so ready for plotting so hit me up on discord or DM here to plot, or like this post and imma come to you. SORRY FOR THE PARAGRAPHS. I’m just so shitty at listing things. [ BAE SUZY & FEMALE & SHE/HER. ] that, right there, is [ ALEXIS ‘LEXI’ BLYTHE ]. the [ TWENTY-TWO ] year old has been in savannah for [ A YEAR AND A HALF ] and is known for being quite [CHARMING ] - but on bad days, while being very SELF-DESTRUCTIVE ], they seem to walk with their head low while [ I’M A MESS by BEBE REXHA ] plays through their earbuds. ( mina. 23. she/her.est )

Alexis ‘Lexi’ Blythe Age: 22 Birthday: February 27 (Pisces) Orientation: Hetero TW. Abandonment, Adoption, Parental Neglect, Alcoholism, Drug Use O1 ━◞ FAMILY - Adopted by a big-shot politican and his trust-fund socialite wife when she was a baby, Lexi never knew why they had chosen to adopt from Korea. Maybe they had just wanted the picture perfect family even though they couldn’t, or rather her father couldn’t. Maybe they wanted to show how progressive, diverse, and altruistic they were for an old money family. Nevertheless, Lexi remembers being raised by the nanny, watching Disney movies, and only seeing her parents when they needed her to act her part in the long-standing Blythe political legacy of senators and congressmen. Last she had heard of her father, Alexander Duke Blythe was looking to be the next presidential candidate. Her mother runs various charities, painting the perfect First Lady potential. The next big Kennedy and Jackie. Her parents had not been the biggest fan of her acting career, but now that she has actually made it on the big screen, her own fame has indirectly lent to his image positively. Consequently, he has slowly been keeping track of her goings more and more - to her disgust. When she was 18, Lexi found a private investigator to try to find her biological parents. She still has no idea who her father was, but she learned that her mother had been an escort who abandoned Lexi on the steps of a massage parlour in the Gangnam district. O2 ━◞ CAREER - Attention-deprived, and raised in Los Angeles, it only made sense for Lexi to pursue a career to famehood through acting. Broadway, singing, dance and acting classes were part of her busy schedule growing up because an heiress like her needed to be raised in culture and the arts. She had never held a knack for subjects like math or literature, but the dramatic arts came to her naturally.  Instead of going to university, she worked as an extra at 17 before finally catching a break at 19 as a minor character in an intrigue drama. Appealing to the audiences as the ‘sweet and innocent’ trope, she began to take on more movie roles. The nickname going around Hollywood translated into “America’s Angel”. The problem with being forced into a trope was she rarely got roles past the secondary or tertiary characters. Having been a solid B-lister for the past 5 years, Lexi has recently been trying to take on more sensual and provocative roles. Because everyone knows the key to stardom is for everyone to watch you sleep around in theatres. Yet, any time Lexi is shown as anything but a “sweet angel”, her reputation suffers. Her last movie, He Said She Said was a rom-com that crashed and burned, but the newest blockbuster coming out may just be a movie for the charts. O3 ━◞ PERSONALITY - Don’t get her wrong. She cares deeply for her friends. They’re the family she doesn’t feel that she has. Her crew is always surprised she’s not a total diva and is usually just an outgoing and (for the most part) amiable girl. Whether in the way she walks or smiles, she has that graceful superstar formula that draws people in. It’s just her little self-destructive tendencies and obsession for finding love (and also trouble) that gets her into trouble with the people around her. Having an empty family life pushed Lexi to dream of her future family and Prince Charming. When she isn’t thinking of movie scripts and planning how to maintain her relevancy, she is wondering when her life will turn into a rom-com. Sometimes she loses track of reality in her naivete and desperation. Also ridiculously mischievous. Because she grew up constantly conniving as to how she could mess with her parents and get their attention, she often liked to do the opposite of what her dad would instruct her to do, which extrapolated to everyone. Extremely bad at taking instructions and also criticism (so you can expect some diva meltdowns every once in awhile). Breaking the law is lowkey a grey area. Doesn’t blink an eye at things like trespassing. O4 ━◞ SCANDAL - She met one of her father’s colleagues at one of the galas her parents forced her to visit. One of the youngest Senators ever from California. Hitting it off that night, the rest of the year felt like a dream. Young and naive, she was head over heels in love. He swore that he would break up with his wife and that he didn’t love her anymore. As things go, the senator’s wife discovered their affair through a private investigator. Holding the photos over head, she threatened Lexi that she would ruin the Senator’s reputation unless Lexi stayed away from her husband. To tend to her broken heart and avoid blowing up both Lexi’s and the senator’s careers, her agent sent her to Savannah to lay low until things could boil over. O5 ━◞ ALCOHOL USE AND DRUG USE - Since beginning the affair, Lexi turned to alcohol and drugs to deal with the guilt. When she wasn’t working, she was drinking and partying. And when she was partying in upscale LA, she was popping m like no tomorrow with Los Angeles’ partying elite. O6 ━◞ LIKES - Enjoys champagne, cream earl grey tea and anything fruity. Fav coffee is a cappucino with a shot of vanilla. Zombie apocalypse and horror shows/movies/anythings are her guilty passion even though she gets unbelievably scared to the point where she can’t get a good night’s rest. Her secret dream is to star in a zombie film where she gets a really dramatic death. Proud mommy of a little Maltese puppy named Peanut. O7 ━◞ QUIRKS - Messy, not dirty, is what Lexi claims she is. Scatter-brained and disorganized. Constantly late for events. She gives her manager, Anya, a hernia, for not having any order in her life. Lexi also can’t cook for her life but really likes to eat - everything and anything. In fact, for a striving starlet, she really likes fast food like hamburgers and pizza far too much. In response, she is up early doing some sort of physical activity every morning as a semi-guilty ritual. She basically can’t go through the day without exercising because she’s so anxious about her appearance and her extreme love for food. O8 ━◞ WANTED CONNECTIONS - ♕ her ride or die aka in greys anatomy speak, “her person”. The person she’s closest to, etc, like she’d kill somebody for this person ♕ childhood friend ♕ cousins (technically adopted cousins from her adoptive mother’s side) ♕ best female friend aka like a sister/ best male friend aka like a bro ♕ childhood friend ♕ flirtationship ♕ all that love ships/maybe kind of a rebound/maybe more ♕ party crew? ♕ someone who knew her ex or even of the scandal in some way///or or or or someone lexi got really drunk with and accidentally ugly cried to about her being a mistress/ someone who has dirt on her? ♕ an ex that ended badly/ an ex that ended on good terms ♕ someone she has slept around with/is sleeping around with/rebound ♕ one night stand ♕ a fan of her movies/tv shows!? ♕ roommate (she just moved from a big ass mansion to like a house, and it feels empty as fuck, so she prob put out a posting) ♕ early morning workout buddies ♕ someone she has worked with in the industry before like fellow celebs/crew/photographers/filmographers/etc/etc? ♕ anything else hit me up

[andsmile]

varchie fanfiction masterlist

Hey people! I’ve been getting a lot of anons asking me for recommendations on Archie/Veronica fanfiction and I feel you, the struggle is real - our tag in AO3 is filled with Bughead!centric fanfics that have us as a background pairing. I’ve read some good ones and I’m happy to share, but I’ll also make a sort of… rant kind of thing in this post. Everything (links and rant) is under the cut.

Despite being a little less popular than other ships in the fandom, there are not so many ArchieRonnie fanfics out there because the readers don’t engage enough - myself included. You’ve been engaging with me when I post Lake Michigan and this is definitely fueling me to write more and faster, and I think it’s sad when I see some good fics out there with 1 or 2 comments, and we need to get better on commenting and reviewing them.

And I mean really commenting and reviewing, not only “pls update”, which is nice and all, but it doesn’t… I don’t know, it doesn’t excite us authors so much. When you read a fic, really comment on it, tell the author your favorite parts, ask them questions about the fic and the writer's process, engage (like you’ve been doing with me and LM) and I am sure more authors will pop and more fics will be written. I’m making a commitment to myself to engage more with the fics I’ve read and I hope you can do that too!

Of course, no one needs to feel obligated to review something if they’re not comfortable doing so, but it’s really good for us authors, it makes us produce more and it makes you have more material to read.

Now that I’ve said that, I’ll proceed to the links! 

MULTI-CHAPTER

The Nice Guy & The Spoiled Rich Girl by AlwaysSpeaksHerMind

A collection of random one-shots centered around my favorite Riverdale pairing OR it’s not really a multi-chapter but it’s a collection of canon compliant-ish and AU one shots that are very beautifully written, I really love this fic.

Devotion by vaarchie

Clearly the Lodges’ extracurriculars skew toward the illegal, but this is the first time Veronica is caught in the backdraft – the first time her life is truly in danger OR an amazing angst-filled fanfic that tells the story of Archie and Veronica trying to survive some real danger involving the Lodges. You will cry. You will love it.

Life has a weird way of getting to the happy ending by Agentbadass

She never planned to encounter Archie Andrews again. She never wanted to see him again. Of course, she runs into him in a club OR Archie is really famous and finds out he has a kid with Veronica, product of a one-night-stand! It's very fun and rom-com like!

an Affair To Remember by Browneyesparker

Archie Andrews meets Veronica Lodge on a cruise, even though they are both engaged to other people, they wind up falling in love OR a new fanfic that has a promising AU plot.

Don't Be Mean by theeternalblue

Veronica never thought meeting Betty's high school friend could change her life so much OR one of my favorite fanfics at the moment, a pregnancy AU and a very light, sweet read.

We've had this day with each other from the very beginning Archikins by BikerChick101

A day in the life and snapshots of my favorite couple on Riverdale, mostly fluff, canon-ish until 2x09 OR a collection of canon compliant-ish one shots, super sweet.

Finding our Way by BikerChick101

Our secret moments, in a crowded room, they've got no idea about me and you OR a secret-Vegas-wedding situation in the middle of a very real Betty/Archie/Veronica triangle. Worth the read.

standstill by Brenxalex

Archie feels as if his life had somehow come to a standstill ever since she had walked away OR sad-boy-Archie-Andrews strikes again and makes you sad with him. Recently discovered this fic, am loving it so far.

Collapsing Couches by temerarius

Seventeen year olds Veronica Lodge and Archie Andrews are facing the biggest challenge they've yet to overcome - Veronica is pregnant OR another pregnancy-AU (seems to be a popular trope in varchie fics) that it’s worth the read.

The Holiday by jinglejanglejones

After two terrible breakups, Betty and Veronica switches homes for the holidays and stumble upon unexpected romances. But what happens when Christmas is over? Can their new found love survive? OR this is both Varchie and Bughead centric, but I had the best time reading this fic, especially the Varchie scenes.

streetlight sun by singsongsung

He senses her before he sees her, feels the air shift in the gymnasium OR this is a two-chapter fic that has stolen my heart forever.

The Blood of Family by James Stryker

FBI agent Archie Andrews goes undercover to bring down a ruthless crime lord but ends up falling in love with his daughter OR nice slow-burn multi-chapter with an interesting plot (on FF.Net)

Make it back to me by explorerundecided

(no summary) OR a fanfic that is so sweet, picking up from 2x06 and slightly canon compliant-ish (on FF.Net)

It's A Mad World by COTT FAN

Just when Veronica thinks she can escape from her past and start a life with Archie, her life takes an unexpected turn when she is kidnapped by someone from her past OR yet anothjer pregnancy-AU with an interesting plot (on FF.net)

Every Minute by ForASecondThereWe'dWon

Expanding on the events of the season one finale, Veronica brings Archie back to her bedroom OR the longest, hottest, multi-chapter smut you’ll ever need (on FF.net)

your soul by vickliebold

Could be more complicated, but it really wasn’t. The girl he loved didn’t feel the same, so he wrote a song about it OR my first Varchie fanfic. Angst, sad times, and what happens when you have another chance with the love of your life.

lake michigan by vickliebold

it would be a tragedy of epic proportions if they had never met OR Archie moves to Chicago and everyone is crazy! My second Varchie fanfic.

Watch it Burn Down by weheartscorose

Archie was supposed to be more than this OR another sad-boy-Archie trying to win his girl back. This fic is a companion to another fic, a Bughead!Centric one, and both are really good. Sexy-times are a must.

Babes in the Woods by MotherMaple

When Archie and Jughead find themselves stranded in a campground, Betty and Veronica offer them a place to crash OR both VA and BH centric, this fic was very fun to read from the start and all the ArchieRonnie parts are... swoon.

bring the sin by sopaloma

three decades. seven people. seven sins OR a character-study fic that pairs a character with a deadly sin. Archie is lust (chapter 01) and Veronica is envy (chapter 05). The whole fic is great - but the Varchie parts are even greater, if that’s possible. It’s definitely one of my favorite Varchie fics ever.

In The Name Of Love by ffxo

Archie's waited four years for a girl to say the L word but she can't OR a fun, dramatic AU where the gang lives in LA and Veronica has deep-seated issues. Definitely worth it!

Extended Riverdale by ffxo

Extended moments of Varchie's journey, all through season 1 of Riverdale OR I really love this fic, it follows canon and explains a lot of it, ffxo does an amazing job portraying stolen VA’s moments! In FF.Net there are more chapters. 

The Greatest of All Time by Brenxalex

She takes his hand and as they glide along the ice OR a popular trope right now - the ice skating AU based on Scott Moir and Tessa Virtue’s story - but with Varchie instead. Definitely well-written and a full course if you’re into the trope!

ONE-SHOTS

will he hold your tiny face in his hands? by boos

Veronica has feelings about Betty, Archie has feelings about Jughead, and neither of them know how to deal with it. So they don't OR I don’t know if this counts as a varchie fanfiction since it’s Beronica/Jarchie as well, but I love their interactions in this, so...

slow dance by JollytheSad

A night of embraces OR smut one-shot without much plot, but we like reading sexy-times!

five times veronica almost had sex and one time she did by temerarius

veronica lodge’s past sexual experiences before archie have all been bad. these are all of them OR trigger-warning for rape and abuse, but it has a sweet outcome, and I loved reading it.

i will take care of you by camimendes

“have you been eating enough?” OR trigger-warning for eating disorders. A fanfic with a theme that is not explored enough.

crawl into my heart, take me apart by singsongsung

She finds him midday on a Wednesday, just after the bell for lunch OR my favorite Varchie one-shot, written by my love @singsongsung just after 2x08 aired. Sad times, cute times.

Basic Needs by ForASecondThereWe'dWon

A belated extension of Archie and Veronica's shower scene from S2E01 OR a detailed description of Varchie’s sexy times in the shower, swoon (on FF.Net)

hold me closer by anonymous_mystery95

All Archie wants is to take her out on a date, a perfect date. Their first date. OR Archie is a gentleman, Veronica wants to have sex, and oh-boy. The smut.

i see your true colours shining through (and that's why i love you) by anonymous_mystery95

Veronica never thought that a chance meeting on the corner of a busy New York street would change her life OR a soulmates!AU that probably is my soulmate, it’s so beautiful.

talk me down by beanie_betty

The one where Archie can’t sleep, Jughead just wants to sleep, and they both freak out about becoming dads OR it’s mostly a Jughead x Archie friendship with a side of ArchieRonnie, but very cute one shot.

Andrews, Party of Six by lodge_andrews 

Or the four times Veronica Andrews goes into labor OR this fic is very sweet and domestic, got me really emotional *-* worth the read for sure.

can't stop this breaking loose by vickliebold

Archie teaches Veronica how to drive OR I wrote this one-shot post-2x16 when Archie got that car and Veronica started driving it!

VARCHIE-CENTRIC AUTHORS

theeternalblue has written a lot of Varchie-centric one shots that are all very good and don’t get enough credit.

vaarchie writes one shots and fic requests on her tumblr and they’re all amazing as well.

raven-dale also writes one shots and fic requests on her tumblr and you should all read them or prompt her.

vcrchiedale writes one shots and fic requests on her tumblr and you should also read them and prompt her.

If you have other recommendations, let me know and I’ll update this post after I’ve read them! My inbox is always open for you guys (:

[ylc1]

Fanfic master list (Mystrade & Johnlock)

Because my fic master list has gotten so ridiculously long, I’ve decided to break it by pairings. However, since I do write a lot of johnlock and mystrade, this one contains all my fics which have a fair share of both romances ;)

Enjoy!

Pointless thoughts

Mystrade & Johnlock. First work of series, 10 works in the series, 102800 words overall. Complete.

Summary: Crown Prince Mycroft knows better than to show his affection for a man beneath his station. Sherlock is not quite as lucky and when the King finds out about his friendship with John, the later is sent away to his certain death. Devastated, the younger Prince awaits for death- until he finds he has something left to fight for and Mycroft finds himself fighting to protect his brother’s secret (and later his own)

Some personal notes: Pseudo historical settings are a weakness of mine. I was very pump up to work on these series and I enjoyed every second of it. Also, writing a whole fic from Mycroft’s POV was quite the experience (the main fic runs from his POV, the rest of the works run from Greg’s, Sherlock’s and John’s)

Additional notes: Royal AU, A/B/O dynamics, Mpreg and angst. Also a ridiculous amount of pining. Warnings for some dubcon in some of the works and a bit of Sheriarty.

Unexpected

Johnlock (side Mystrade and Irene/Kate), complete, 27600 words.

Summary: After a one night stand with his best friend, John is determined not to let things change between them. Except he’s now expecting a baby and finds himself in a bit of a mess.

Some personal notes: I mean- it’s the cliché of the clichés. Very rom com, but well… I enjoyed working on it very much.

Additional notes: A/B/O dynamics, Mpreg, attempted humor, rom com, misunderstandings, unplanned pregnancy, angst.

Unforeseen

Mystrade (side Johnlock), complete, 11500 words.

Summary: Mycroft’s family is convinced he and Greg would make a wonderful couple. Greg is willing, but Mycroft refuses to see sense.

Some personal notes: belongs in series with “Unexpected”, but it can pretty much stand on its own. A continuation of sorts, although the focus is definitely Greg’s and Mycroft’s relationship.

Additional notes: A/B/O dynamics, misunderstandings, humor & angst.

Lessons in romance

Mystrade & Johnlock, 49300 words.

Summary: Sherlock might or might not be stalking the boy he likes. Mycroft has no wisdom to share with his little brother on the subject of romance and Greg is not helping at all.

Some personal notes: I got inspired to write this after listening to a song in spanish called “Rey Azul”. I’ve always wanted to write a teenlock and I adore writing the Holmes brothers as being completely oblivious on the subject of romance. Somehow, it turned angstier than I expected. My only work with over 500 kudos, which makes me ridiculously happy, obviously.

Additional notes: humor (at first), teenlock, heartbreak, jealousy, pining, bad family relationships.

Little lies and crazy plans

Mystrade & Johnlock, complete, 12300 words.

Summary: Sherlock recruits Greg’s help to seduce his brother away so he can have his boyfriend. But nothing is quite what it seems.

Some personal notes: A short silly story with a fake/pretend relationship that occurred to me because I re-read my own fic, “Long term complications of arranged marriages” and wanted to write some Johncroft with Johnlock but I couldn’t bring myself to make it angsty (again)

Additional notes: humor, alternate first meeting, fake/pretend relationship (John & Mycroft), jealousy, pining.

Bad timing

Johnlock, side Mystrade, WIP

Summary:Having run away from home after finding out his family was planning on sending him as a tribute to the Fire Lord, Sherlock somehow finds himself joining the rebellion.

Some personal notes: this one is a submission for the June’s hiatustory challenge. Also, I had been wanting to write an Avatar AU, so it seemed like the perfect chance ;)

Additional notes: alternate universe-avatar and bender’s setting, pining, jealousy, secret identity, romance.

Bad blood

Johnlock, side Mystrade, WIP (on hiatus)

Summary: Two years ago, agent Sherlock Holmes betrayed his team, leaving his former lover, agent John Watson, at death’s door.

When a new mission gets assigned to him, John wonders if he’ll be capable of doing what needs to be done.

Especially if that includes killing Sherlock Holmes

Some personal notes: I love Taylor Swift’s songs and I particularly love the video for this one, so… well.

Additional notes: sort of superpowers AU, angst, some violence, complicated relationships, not dark!Sherlock but it’s complicated, happy ending (when I get around writing it, of course)

Changing winds

Mystrade, side johnlock (very side johnlock), complete, 50900 words.

Summary: Greg’s life has taken a few unexpected turns.

One day he’s a regular prostitute, next day he’s the Prince’s newest toy, next day he has fallen in love and the next day he’s trying to prevent a murder and stop a war.

Unexpected indeed.

Some personal notes: I can’t think of a better way to describe the plot, so the summary is the actual summary on AO3 :P I’ve been wanting to write a prostitution AU for a while and the idea came to me one morning so… well. I enjoyed writing this quite a lot.

Additional notes: alternate universe- royalty, alternate universe-prostitution, angst, pining, self doubt, political conspiracies, slowish burn, power imbalance.

Echoes of the past

Mystrade, side Johnlock, complete, 39500 words.

Summary: Eight years ago Greg Lestrade left the Holmes Manor with a secret, determined not to burden his lover with it.

But life rarely goes according to plan.

Some personal notes: I mean… I have a thing for unplanned pregnancies. It’s a great source for angst, especially when you add the forbidden love factor :P

Additional notes: alternate universe, class differences, ABO dynamics, implied past mpreg, misunderstandings, past secret relationship. Warning for some dubious con, sexual harassment, abuse of authority- none between the main pairings, of course.

Fairy business

Mystrade, side Johnlock, Morlene, complete, 11900 words

Summary: Sherlock comes to the human realm looking for his brother, intending to bring him back home.

Mycroft, however, is not complying.

Some personal notes: This was on my WIPs for the longest time and I finally got around writing it ;) It’s somewhat short, but cute, I think

Additional notes: alternate universe- fairies, a little angst, Sherlock being a brat, miscommunication.

The art of love

Johnlock & Mystrade, WIP

Summary: You would think being the most highly regarded prostitutes in London would have made an expert (of sorts) on the matter of love.

Turns out, nothing farther from the truth.

Some personal notes: This little plot bunny nibbled at my ankles restlessly, so I gave in and wrote the first chapter… and of course I continued even though I have already too many WIPs to count :P Oh well.

Additional notes: alternate universe- prostitution, pining, not angsty, not dark, a little silly at parts.

Family

Johnlock & Mystrade, complete, 14100 words.

Summary: Mycroft finds out he can’t have children. Sherlock comes up with a way to help.

Some personal notes: this fic was written for the FTH 2018 auction. It wasn’t the sort of fic I’d normally write, so it was a fun experience ;)

Additional notes: alpha/beta/omega dynamics, mpreg, infertelity, a little angst, family fluff, happy ending.

And if you can, maybe Buy Me a Coffe

My other lists are here: rare pairs, johnlock, mystrade

[avanneman]

TV or not TV? Isn’t there a third option?

I’ve already argued that the pickings at the multiplex are pretty slim, nor am I a fan of what I have labeled “Heavy TV”, disliking it so much I had to write a sequel to my original putdown.1 My appetite, such as it was, for the doings of sadistic serial killers is pretty much exhausted, and I’m generally either afraid of “The Dark” or bored by it. So is nothing acceptable? Fortunately, there are a few old favorites that are still holding up, and a few other odds and ends—shows that have come and gone that I’m just discovering.

Archer, suave secret agent/dick (both private and public), about whom I’ve raved in the past, on my own blog and for the Bright Lights Film Journal, still functioning, and still tolerably funny in its ninth season, is preparing for its tenth and last on FX. Earlier seasons are no longer available on Netflix (except on DVD) and Amazon Prime makes you pay extra even for Season 1, which strikes me as exceptionally bitchy (or Archery). I’m sure the kids have figured out a way to watch it for free, but I haven’t, so I’m DVDing it.

The third season of Call My Agent!, aka Dix Pour Cent, a semi-favorite of mine is up on Netflix, chronicling the frenzied adventures of the ever-endangered ASK talent agency in Paris. I complained about the excessive coziness of Saison Deux, but I’m glad to report that Saison Trois is both more dry and more droll. As I expected, the cliffhanger from Saison Deux, that big-hearted, big-nosed lesbian Andréa (Camille Cottin) would be shipped off to New York, didn’t happen, allowing her to have her baby (by boss Hicham Janowski, played by Assaad Bouab) in the safety and sanctity of the French medical system. My big complaint in the past was the show’s star-struck approach to stars, showing them as vain and temperamental (at first) but, after a few complications, emerging as gallant thoroughbreds who always come through under pressure and save the day. This time, instead of a handful of European stars entirely unknown to me, we have a true international star, Isabelle Huppert. Isabelle isn’t “bad”, of course. If anything, she’s too generous and hard-working. The thing is, she’s signed a contract with—wait for it—Americans! Who want her exclusively and, mercenary monsters that they are, would foreclose on Versailles and ship it to LA if they don’t get their way!

Fortunately, ASK has both the sangfroid and the savoir faire to hose the Yanks, though it takes quite a bit of frantic behind the scenes running around to carry the whole thing off. Along the way, there’s a funny side plot, wherein the sweet gay guy, whose name I still don’t know and can’t determine, gets a chance to move up to be an actual agent instead of an assistant! Because sweet not-gay Camille (Fanny Sidney) thinks she’s so busy she should be two people, sweet gay guy becomes her, for a day. And then he meets this really cute waiter who wants to be a star, and so sweet gay guy arranges for an audition for him! Both their dreams are going to come true! Well, how else does one celebrate such an occasion, eh, mon ami? But then, well, really cute waiter gets sent to the wrong audition, and he’s terrible, and the studio wants to know why ASK is sending them boyfriends instead of actors, and SGG has to 1) catch shit from Camille for endangering the agency, 2) tell RCW that he isn’t star material, and 3) take shit from RCW, to wit: “You only took me on because you wanted to fuck me! Well, mission accomplished, bitch! Because now I’m totally fucked!” And all because he wanted to make people’s dreams come true! Agents suffer!

A past hidden gem that I’m just discovering is Blandings, a mere 12 thirty-minute episodes from Britain, but I’m lovin’ ‘em. “Blandings”, available on Amazon, is ultimately from the pen of P. G. Wodehouse, the grandmaster of silly ass Englishman light fiction. I’ve previously discussed a series dating from the early 90s, Jeeves and Wooster, devoted to Wodehouse’s supreme creation, the saga of Bertie Wooster and his man Jeeves, which ran through dozens of short stories and perhaps a dozen novels, from the early twenties through 1970. Devotees/obsessives like myself marinated for decades in Bertie’s inimitable rococo narration of Jeeves’ inimitable rococo machinations, all in the service of the inimitable truth, that Amor Vincit Omnia, though not without considerable assistance from Jeeves.

It was surely inevitable that Jeeves and Wooster would fall below the mark unconsciously set for it by aficionados like myself. Despite the ineffable lightness of Wodehouse’s prose, both Bertie and Jeeves were quite complex characters, doppelgangers for Wodehouse himself. “Plum”, as everyone (apparently) called him, was quite unhappy as a boy, but immensely happy at his “public” school—what we Americans would call a prep school—“Dulwich College”. The moral he seemed to take away from it all was that happiness, though possible, is not “natural”—it must be consciously achieved. Furthermore, it is most often achieved in the company of the privileged, and it can best be achieved by holding the world at arm’s length.

In the early short stories, Bertie is always either falling in love or getting engaged, or both, but always to the “wrong woman”—though, in sharp contrast to the American “rom com”, there is no right one.2 As Jeeves repeatedly makes clear, the only way to avoid the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune is to abstain from the fury and mire of human veins. By the mid-thirties, when Wodehouse had largely switched from short stories to novels, Bertie was as skeptical of affairs of the heart as Jeeves. The turning point was Brinkley Manor, aka What Ho, Jeeves (1934), which set in motion a collection of entangled and star-crossed lovers who, thanks to Jeeves, all married happily, though the consummations were delayed for a good thirty years. The Epicurean Roman poet Lucretius notoriously found it pleasing to stand safely on the shore and watch the sufferings of those at sea tormented by the storm.3 Both Jeeves and Bertie are made of softer stuff, and, confronted as they invariably are by victims of internal rather than external weather, always strive to intervene—Bertie ingenuously and disastrously, Jeeves with the effortless hand of the Creator (or the Author). But in both cases, intervention is only possible if one is one’s self immune to the tempest within.4

Jeeves and Bertie are scarcely three-dimensional characters, and the supporting cast distinctly less so, but over the decades that he wrote about them, Wodehouse rang the changes on the limited notes available to him so ingeniously that—for the addicted, at least—they remained ever fresh and vivid. The result is that, I suspect, all true devotees have a “perfect” Aunt Dahlia and a “perfect” Madelaine Bassett, not to mention a perfect Bertie and a perfect Jeeves, already fixed in their heads, so that the poor actors and actresses (if I can use such a term) who portray them almost invariably appear as disappointments or even frauds, for the perfect is always the enemy of the good.

In the “Blandings” stories, revolving around Lord Emsworth and his kin, and most particularly his prize pig, the “Empress” and set in the “eternal Twenties” of Wodehouse’s imagination,5 the perfect rarely intrudes The few I read from the series struck me as a distinctly lesser creation, stories that Wodehouse wrote as a sort of vacation from the Wooster/Jeeves high-wire act. Without Bertie’s perfect voice—the Blandings stories are written the third person—and without Jeeves perfect schemes, we have little more than a stock company road show of silly ass Englishmen, good-hearted chorus girls, good-natured, big-bellied, empty-headed lords, imperious dames, and sherry-slurping butlers, all wandering around the sort of enormous country estate that drove me half bonkers in the unspeakably wretched Downton Abbey.6 But at Blandings, it works.

Rather remarkably, given the degenerate nature of our time, the producers of the show made no attempt to position themselves as superior to the material, no effort to show what life was “really” like in those bad old days, which was in fact pretty horrible for everyone below stairs and for half of those above it. Wodehouse deconstructed would be a sorry sight indeed, and we don’t get it. The only updating that has been done is pretty much limited to the occasional pig fart, and (probably) more “muck” jokes (manure) than P. G. would have allowed himself. Instead, we have the amiable Lord Emsworth (Timothy Spall), sporting a thoroughly “English” set of teeth, his amiable son Freddie Threepwood (Jack Farthing), his unamiable sister Lady Constance (Jennifer Saunders), and his stout butler Beach (played first by Mark Williams in the first season and by Tim Vine in the second), all cavorting and disporting themselves in a suitably Wodehousian manner. Freed from the burden of perfection, and avoiding on its own the burden of pretense, it’s pretty damned good road show all around, and I’m sorry it didn’t get a longer run.

Another invigorating look at the Roaring Twenties with a British accent—more substantial, this time around—comes from Down Under in the form of Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries, three full seasons of hour long treats on both Netflix and ABC that make Sydney, Australia look surprisingly like London—and sound like it too, because all the leads have surprisingly (to me) posh accents.7 Miss Fisher, played by the charming Essie Davis, is unsurprisingly and unchronologically up to date in all her attitudes, being (of course) independent and quite capable of clambering over walls and scaling buildings in pursuit of evil-doers, even in high heels. Phryne, as her first name is, has a sweet companion, Dorothy Williams (Ashleigh Cummings), somewhat lower down on the social scale and naturally a bit intimidated by Phryne’s upper class lack of inhibition. Both gals have steady Eddies, in the form of Chief Inspector John Robinson (Nathan Page) for Phryne and Constable Hugh Collins (Hugo Johnstone-Burt) for Dorothy. The Chief Inspector, virtually a walking Rock of Gibraltar and a titan of middle-class inhibitions, is naturally entranced by the wicked Miss Fisher, who keeps his Herculean physique tightly wrapped around her little finger for all three seasons, and it must be said that Constable Collins’ fate is only a little less circumscribed.

As should be obvious, Miss Fisher is largely a chick show, of particular interest, I would say, to women who worry about their boyfriends’ hair, because both the Chief Inspector and the Constable have coifs that are, invariably, perfect. Some of the “backstory” for the show—the bitterness many Australians felt at the way the “Mother Country” used them for its own purposes in World War 1, for example—shows some real thought. There is, unsurprisingly, a gaping omission when it comes to the subject of race, and the position of the “aborigines”, which in the twenties was entirely deplorable. Most unattractive is the difference in the treatment of two of Miss Fisher’s many lovers, one Chinese and one “black”. The Chinese lover comes from a prominent family, speaks excellent English, and has come to Australia to flee an arranged marriage in order to marry the woman he loves, whose father is a communist. The black lover is an extra in a film, has not a single line, and clearly functions as a one-night stud. Naughty, yes, but not very nice.

For now, that's it. So don't say nothing's on. Say almost nothing's on.

Latest and worst heavy TV of all is the execrable Game of Thrones. The sappy English accents alone make it unwatchable, not to mention the entire fur coats, tits, and bloody murder ethos of the damn show. Livin’ in the Age o’ Trump is already terrible, but this show makes it worse. ↩︎

As a young man, Wodehouse wrote “straight” rom com novels like Mike in the City and Leave it to Psmith!, whose heroes were impecunious public school men, rather like Wodehouse himself, ↩︎

The opening stanza of Book II of De Rerum Natura, aka “The Nature of Things”—a Roman catchphrase. People are always taking a look at rerum natura. ↩︎

Wodehouse did marry, Ethel May Wayman, an English widow. They had no children, but Wodehouse adopted Wayman’s daughter, to whom he was quite devoted. Supposedly, Ethel was the Jeeves to Plum’s Bertie. ↩︎

“First and last,” I squealed in impotent and ineffectual rage, “I was overwhelmingly put off by the idea that it’s okay, in any sense of the word, for five people to be knocking about in a house the size of Grand Central Station, with two or three dozen menials rushing about night and day to keep everything looking just so.” Blandings rather shamelessly elides the issue by pretending that Lord Emworth’s immense estate is cared for by a handful of servants, who spend most of their time either feeding cake to pigs or drinking sherry. ↩︎

Actually, Wodehouse’s stock characters are really pre-World War I, as George Orwell explains. Orwell’s essay discusses Wodehouse’s early work in some detail, on its way to giving what I found to be too much deference to Wodehouse’s unthinking behavior when captured by the German Army in France in 1940. Wodehouse gave a radio broadcast making it sound as though being imprisoned by the Germans was rather jolly. Wodehouse’s wife was also a prisoner, so it’s not surprising that he wanted to cooperate, but there’s a difference between cooperating and being coopted. I suspect that Wodehouse, like many rich people, hoped that the Nazis wouldn’t be so bad. ↩︎

A contemporary Australian series, Rake, also available on Netflix, which I gave up on because it kept expecting me to identify with a coke addict, features noticeably less posh accents. ↩︎