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erensnubs · 3 years

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𝑩𝒆𝒂𝒖𝒕𝒚 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝑩𝒆𝒂𝒔𝒕

Oikawa x F! Reader

Chapter 1

Word count: 1.9k

RANDOM POST:

You let yourself be held by Matsukawa with Hanamaki's legs thrown over yours.

"Mrs. Darcy ....Mrs. Darcy…. Mrs. Darcy ....Mrs. Darcy," Mr. Darcy says to Lizzie on the T.V screen.

Hanamaki sniffles, "Yo I thought this was gonna be cringey but I'm crying right now."

Matsukawa nods, silent tears rolling down his face. You smile a little and both pat them affectionately.

"Pride and Prejudice, will always be timeless. The book and the movie. I honestly think it's great either way. And Mr. Darcy is just UGH perfect," you say sniffling yourself and resting your head on the pillows.

It's been 1 month since you arrived at Aoba Johsai, and you settled in with Hanamaki and Matsukawa as your "in school friends". You've been hanging out together now, and even more so because of volleyball practice and you being manager.

You got close enough to each other that now you were bundled up with blankets, with Hanamaki laying on you and being held by Matsukawa. Popcorn, chips and candy are laying on the ground everywhere with CD's stacked up on the ground.

"Bro this is actually a good show," Hanamaki says looking up at Matsukawa.

"Yo can you be quiet because I'm trying to process this shit," Matsukawa says and you start laughing.

"Okay okay, the next movie is called…." You say searching through the pile.

"....10 Things I Hate About You!" You say pulling out the CD and sliding off the couch.

"What's this one about?" Hanamaki asks, "Is it like a history one like the one we just watched?"

You scoff, "No, this is totally different. It's a highschool one. I'm not going to explain it because it's confusing so just watch it."

You put the CD in and the TV starts up to play the movie. You walk back to the couch as Matsukawa scoots to make some room.

"Yo, [Name], tell me when the movie's actually starting because Iwa and Oikawa are texting me right now and say they wanna talk," Matsukawa says sliding off the couch.

"You too Makki."

Hanamaki looks at Matsukawa weirdly, "Wait why? I wanna watch the movie."

Matsukawa shrugs his shoulders,"Just come over for a bit, it'll probably be short. You cool with that [Name]?"

You nod. You weren't surprised that Oikawa and Iwaizumi wanted to talk to them. They were friends for a while and what you gathered from their perspective, you sort of ruined their whole dynamic.

Especially Oikawa. The volleyball captain, despite your best efforts to try and communicate with him as manager, he'd make up some random excuse or fakely answers your question with that annoying sarcasm and perfectionism that everyone seemed to buy.

Other than that the man literally glared at you, staring spears into your eyes when you caught him looking. You wish you could talk to him about it but it was made very clearly, he didn't like you "stealing" his friends.

"Wait so you're from?" Matsukawa says at the lunch table.

"I'm from [Country], but my parents moved here in Japan for my 1st year of highschool for business and because they move around a lot I've been staying at my Aunt's. I went to Karasuno for a while, then my parents decided I should enroll here," you say, picking at your lunch.

Matsukawa smiles, "Hey that's pretty cool, our volleyball team is actually having practice with them! Soon I think.... I'm not sure. I can ask Oikawa… wait! He's here!"

Matsukawa and you turn to the tall man, with the brown locks.

"Oikawa! Come sit with me, [Name], and Hanamaki today! You too Iwa!"

The two men came over and now you were sitting between Matsukawa and Hanamaki while facing Oikawa and Iwaizumi.

Oikawa gives an indifferent stare at you for a split second before resuming a happy disposition.

"Who might you be?" He asks.

Your body physically retreats back because he made it seem like he does know you, but wanted to take a stab at you.

What the fuck is his problem, you think.

"It's [Name]. And you're Iwaizumi and Oikawa?"

Iwaizumi nods, before Oikawa cuts him off icily, "Yeah yeah. I guess what I'm asking is what are you doing here at the volleyball table?"

Ok so he DEFINITELY doesn't like you and Iwaizumi seems to sense this because he shoves Oikawa's shoulder.

He pulls Oikawa by his arm and abruptly stands up, "God, I apologize about that. Me and Oikawa are going to sit somewhere else."

And with that you were left with a confused Hanamaki and an equally confused Matsukawa, struggling to comprehend what happened.

You've been meaning to talk to Hanamaki about this, but you decided against it. You shouldn't be meddling in their affairs anyway. They were friends longer and Oikawa was probably just having a bad day. You assured yourself with baseless rumors about how Oikawa was a happy-go-lucky boy who was talented, smart and kind to others. Surely he couldn't be bad?

The stares, condescending smirks, and judgemental stares said otherwise. It was as if he gave everyone special treatment, except you. And you really didn't know why.

Until today, you're gonna eavesdrop on their conversation.

You tug on Hanamaki and motion for him to lean into you. He complied and you whisper in his ear.

"Hey just for fun can I listen to the call? I promise I won't make any sound," you say and beam up at him.

Hanamaki pulls back from your face and laughs, "Sure you're too freaking cute to say no to anyways. Mattsun! Can [Name] listen in? Just for fun?"

You turn to Matsukawa and say, "I promise I won't say anything or make any sounds."

Matsukawa smirks, "I don't really care. It's probably about homework anyways."

You and Hanamaki share a devil-like smile. Something unspoken was between the two of you, and you both concluded that this conversation was most definitely not about homework.

Suddenly a voice picks up on Matsukawa's phone and he puts it on speaker.

"Hey? What do you guys need?" he says, calmly.

Iwaizumi's voice cut through, "Nothing just, Oikawa's a little upset."

Hanamaki jumps in, "Wait why?"

Iwaizumi sighs, "He's not telling me, but I think he's upset that you guys are with [Name] and not hanging out with us. Which is weird because we literally hang out a lot together and this is sort of like a once in a while thing right?"

You slap your hand to your face and Hanamaki buries his face into your shoulder, trying to stifle your laughs.

Matsukawa clears his throat, "Uh yeah? So what do you want us to do? Want us to invite you guys over? My parents aren't home so I don't think they'll mind having you come over."

Oikawa's voice, clear as day rings through the phone.

"Oh so a GIRL is alright at your house?"

Your eyes widen as you share a look with Matsukawa. You were tempted to grab the phone and give the guy a piece of his mind but Hanamaki grabbed your wrist.

"Man, chill. This is one of the only times she can come over. And I didn't think you would care so much about her, when you literally have girlfriends left and right," Matsukawa says, earning an approving look from you.

Iwaizumi talks, "Yeah, I'm pretty sure Oikawa hates her guts because of some of the attention she's getting-

"Am not!"

"-because she's the new manager, new student and she quickly became friends with you two and the team…"

Then Iwaizumi suddenly whispers, "Or Oikawa thinks she's interesting and you know.."

Hanamaki looks at you and you jerk your head to the phone.

"Uh… what do you mean?"

You hear Iwaizumi slap himself in the forehead, "He thinks she's interesting romantically dipshits."

Matsukawa snaps his fingers, "Oh he wants to fuck her?" He looks at you and wiggles his eyebrows.

You furrow your eyebrows and flip him off.

"What no? I mean I guess? I don't know…"

Hanamaki looks at Matsukawa questioningly. And this time, you didn't know what it meant.

Hanamaki barely mouths, "But doesn't he-"

Matsukawa glares at him with a "let's continue this conversation later" look.

"Uh alright Iwaizumi, I'm gonna let you go now… byeeee", He says.

"Wait Mattsun no-".

You stare nonchalantly at the screen, "Well you know that was…"

Hanamaki finishes,"Interesting? No more scandalous."

You punch him in the arm, "Wow did watching a Jane Austen movie expand your vocabulary? Maybe we should ask our English teacher to watch period pieces for our class.”

Matsukawa laughs, “And hear this man’s ANNOYING crying! In class? Hell no.”

Hanamaki scoffs, “First of all shut the fuck up Mattsun, and second, I see what you did there. Turning the attention to me.”

He looks back at you and you give a disinterested look.

“Sure, but it's not really anything new. I’ve had plenty of people who hated me at first actually wanted to get to know me. I can’t blame that. People tend to do that when they encounter something new," you tell them.

"I don't blame Oikawa for being, I don't know, a bitch to me. I did kind of steal some time away from all of you to hang out together." You shrug the volleyball jacket Hanamaki gave you back on and look at the boys.

Matsukawa sighs, "Don't think about it too much [Name]. He's probably stressed and stuff about volleyball and all his school things. And honestly don't hook up with him, he's sorta a player."

You nod and turn your attention to the T.V, but you can't ignore the weird look Matsukawa and Hanamaki give each other before finally settling in and watching the movie.

MATSUKAWA POV:

He sees Hanamaki not so subtly come back to the couch, but [Name] doesn't mind the intrusion.

Truth be told, Matsukawa did care for [Name], but not as much as Hanamaki did. To him, [Name] was just another friend he could vibe with. For Hanamaki, it was much more.

He didn't exactly know Hanamaki's motives with [Name]. He knew they were somewhat platonic, but he couldn't tell for sure.

As for Oikawa… yeah that was clueless for him. He didn't want to agree right away with Makki, his pride wouldn't allow that, but he was right. Oikawa did find [Name] interesting, romantically.

He saw it in the way his eyes would immediately trail over to her when she walked to class. How Oikawa would cover his face "casually", when she would randomly waltz around the room with him. When Oikawa would purposely wait a while and then join the lunch line so he could go near [Name]. Sometimes, Matsukawa could literally see Oikawa undressing her with his eyes when she was at volleyball practice and she was running back and forth getting water bottles and towels, sweat covering her like sheet.

He noticed and kept them to himself. Matsukawa Issei didn't owe anybody the information he had. So he kept it to himself. He really didn't have to tell anybody.

So that's what he did. Like how he's probably going to keep this information and statements from Iwa and Makki to himself as well. He won't confront Oikawa about it, nor will he meddle with Oikawa's relationship.

But what he will do is subtly give you hints about what's going on. He thinks you're a smart enough girl, that once he gives you the directions you'll figure it out.

As to why he wants to do it. He doesn't know. Perhaps, you've grown on him.

Yes. Perhaps you did.

IMPORTANT INFORMATION TO DISCLOSE

[Name] is used to men's lewd behavior because they will do ANYTHING to sleep with ANYBODY she thinks

Matsukawa and Hanamaki trust [Name], but not enough to give her The Look

Matsukawa and Hanamaki know something that [Name] doesn't.

Prev/ next

Taglist: @saladskittles @tanakasimpcorner

A note from Chef Tina: I used pics art for the random posts!

#oikawa tōru #oikawa x reader #oikawa smau #oikawa fic #haikyu smau #haikyu fic #oikawa angst #oikawa fluff

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solest · 3 years

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This will be yet another mental health post, but I won't put it under a cut this time because a) I'm on mobile and don't know how to do it here and b) yes, friends might read this. I will eben tag this and try not to feel guilty for being an attention whore by doing so. This will be longer I guess, so sorry if you have to scroll through because of a).

I thought I would have stagnated. I went to a psychosomatic clinic this summer and felt like it had not helped at all. I tried to put myself out there again and had a good moment and an immediate throwback in more than one ways. But now I'm lying here, crying over videos I see or stories I read about certain mental health things and for the first time I can accept that what I read is applying to me. I knew before, but now I accept.

I have a trauma from school and bullying. It still feels weird to say it, because I always thought that Trauma had to be something big, something life threatening and not a shitty teacher and a bunch of kids you knew since you were 3, who turned on you all of a sudden. I studied social work, took child care and protection classes, but the Traumas that were discussed there were always cases of severe violence, abuse, neglect and so on. No one ever told me that things that don't seem so threatening can stick to you and change how you react for such a long time.

I've been told by three or four therapists by now that what vi experienced was trauma, but only recently therapists were using actual methods for this on me. I've been a lively and adventurous kid until second grade. I had a math teacher who was hysterical, got emotional outbursts, screamed at us and got physical. This was known, my brothers who's six years older had her as well.

I remember her screaming at us, especially me. I've never been a math genius but this woman managed that I developed a solid fear of maths. I clearly remember her pulling my hair in front of the class, because I did not know what 7x7 was. To this day, I forgot simple formulas, my mind goes blank if too much math is involved and I'm slow calculating in my head. I started to emotionally shut down and burst into tears when doing maths homework. I was 7.

When I got into third grade, we had a maths test at the very beginning of the year and I failed it miserably. I remember I was devesrated and I link the beginning of my bullying with it and just remembered why. I got an emotional outburst. I screamed, I cried I felt helpless and lost and it was too extreme a reaction to a failed test for all around me. I now know that it was a stress response to what I had experienced before and what I linked to it. I feared to get my hair pulled again, to be screamed at. But this odd behavior only made the other kids frown on me and trying to make me this upset again., which resulted in me not having friends and not understanding why people I knew since kindergarten and who were perfectly fine with me some months ago could be so cruel.

And just some weeks ago, I saw a video on how trauma comes to be. It isn't the severity, but the surprise that shake our core beliefs. I might have a genetic disposition to anxiety disorders, which might have made it "easier" to be shaken by what happened, but that's not the sole reason it affscted me like it did. Another video stated that trauma is the way we react to what happens. This firstly made me think "Oh, so you're an over dramatic bitch that was so startled by such a thing that you developed a trauma. How pathetic". How dare I think this about myself.

The way I experienced it is valid. It did what it did to me and I can't change that. Maybe I'm too sensitive, but I can't go back and tell this my sobbing 7 yo self. I lost all my adventurous attitude. I cried a lot and developed a general anxiety disorder that was only diagnosed when I was 21. I was shamed and frowned upon my overly sensitive and emotional reactions, and as the manifestations of my GAD, mostly extreme nausea. All of this only made me hate myself more and more. People said I'm weird, not normal, mentally disabled and I believed them. I tried to please them all, to just not be alone and laughed at anymore. I'm well aware that there are people with far more severe and terrible stories, but this is mine and I can't change either.

My parents tried best their could, but looking back a proper therapy as a child might have helped me. Instead I wasn't doing good in school, because stress let me break down completely. I had anxiety when doing tests and exams, a high perfectionism I'm still not able to act upon though. My parents had not been the cause for all this and tried to help as best they could, but the damage was done.

And still, parts of this personality I had before the trauma was still there, though I felt like I had to hide it, otherwise people would reject me for who I am. I missed out on much, simply because I did not grève the mental strength to try, fearing my peers would not accept me.

My self esteem is pretty low most of the times still, but somehow I'm now at a point where I can look back on this stuff and say:

"This was messed up. There's nothing you could have done better or to prevent it. The teacher should not have acted like this. Adults should have protected you and take your desperation seriously. The other kids, no matter their own awful experiences were not entitled to treat you like shit. You're réactions are not over the top, they were cries for help. You did not deserve this, and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. And if I could turn back in time, I would come to your aid and kick their arses."

I wasted so much time hating myself. I might not be perfect, no one is, but I'm okay. I'm enough. I don't have to be outstanding at something to be worth it, I already am, by merely existing. I'm worthy of love. I'm worthy of respect. I might have had a lot of help and I might took longer than most around ne, but I accomplished things. Things people like the math Teacher or stupid parents of stupid classmates told me I never will.

I got my high-school diploma. I studied. It took me 6 instead of 3 years for a Bachelor's degree, but I was experiencing flashback anxiety because it reminded me if school and I had to stay at home for one whole year, because I was so deep into anxiety and depression. And I made it.

I'm the first one with an academic degree in my whole family. Despite feeling like shit and thinking I can do nothing, I decided to pull through. The scores I had on papers do not define how professional I am, because I had to write them with severe panic attacks and procrastination problems.

I had long and stable relationships. I learned to drive. I figured I'm Bi, came out and nothing terrible happened. I went to Japan, with my girlfriend at the time for two months, just the two of us. I moved out and lived with another person. I quit a toxic job, because I knew it was toxic. I made friends.

Writing this down does not come easy, but I'm doing it right now. Being able to admit my successes is a huge step. I'm currently experiencing something like a second adolescents, and I think that's because I finally understand that I have to learn what I really am, what I want. I might overcompensate but that's okay. After 13 years of therapy and meds, and a noch most time without much help in this regard I'm allowed to do so.

I will not be loved by everyone and that's okay, because it means I don't have to love everyone in return. People do like me for what I am, even if it's hard to grasp. I'm not too old for things with 33 and I'm allowed to like "childish" stuff and it does not make me less of an adult. I deserve happiness and to cut toxic people out of my life. I will find a new job and it's okay if I feel like I don't know anything, I'm not dumb and I can learn quick.

I'm more than my mental illness, it does not define me completely.

#depression #anxiety #anxiety disorder #mental health

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elithecosmonaut · 7 years

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Getting Increasingly Personal Tag

aka “i’m taking breaks in between reading Hamlet so here goes” Tagged by this bitch @thatgirlnamedeleanor (she knows I love her really) One insecurity: I could go on for days, but erm...rather my weight or how much I talk. I can’t decide between the two so HAVE BOTH. Endless bullying, teasing from my family and those gosh darn perceptions of women from the media has really affected how i view my appearance, and comments from friends has made me over analyse how much I talk. It sucks. Two fears: a) my dad b) that no one really likes me, and are just pretending to out of pity. yaaaay. Three turn-ons: (this is romantic stuff because hella ace. dunno why i felt like i had to clarify, but i will be viewing this as “3 hella cute things a person can do to make me wanna cuddle them” :P ) a) passion for a certain interest/thing. Idc what it is. That excitement makes me so happy. b) emotional intelligence. Nothing makes me interested like someone who can analyse me the way i analyse everyone else. b) a cute smile. Four life goals: a) I’M STEALING YO THING ELEANOR, I wanna publish a book one day. Or two. Or an entire series. Y’know, whatever works. b) Be a speaker at an event about mental health. c) Share a flat with Eden and Jo d) Erm...adopt kids? Five things I like: a) satire writing b) sherbet lemons c) baking d) vanilla e) 1950s dresses Six weaknesses: ho boi let’s go. a) a crazy level of perfectionism/ high standards for myself. If it’s not exactly correct, then we get to... b) my destructive nature. I lash out at myself, or i scrap projects. i once scrapped 10,000 words of a novel because i hated the last 1,000 words. c) Lack of trust, both in myself and others. I don’t believe anyone will ever stick around for long, so I don’t really put much faith in relationships. d) This leads to, when a relationship does start to get closer, me kinda...subconsciously trying to mess it up to avoid that connection. e) I open up way too much about certain topics, which scares people off, yet at the same time i don’t open up about other topics at all. What a paradox. f) my lack of understanding of people. That gosh darn autistic trait gets me into a lot of trouble. Seven things I love: a) pastels!!! I!! Hecking!! Love!! Them!! b) My characters from my first novel. No joke. c) lazy summer evenings d) stupidly long skype calls with the babes. e) that part in the sleepover where you both start opening up about stuff, and it’s all chill and safe because it’s so late and quiet and nice. f) getting into cosy pyjamas after a long and bad day. Tag 8 people: I don’t have enough friends for this. @joleyman @madamescarlette

#well this was fun #now to fall off the face of the earth again #with me Hamlet

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