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fragileizywriting · 3 years

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the stars are nothing (compared to your constellations of freckles)

pairing: Adrien / Marinette word count: 7,521 chapter: 1/1 rating: G summary: “I used to have a huge— huge— crush on you when we were younger. She took hold of it and has been running with the idea that we’re perfect for each other ever since then.” Adrien nearly choked on his drink. “Really?” “It was embarrassing.” Marinette placed the cup down and rubbed her fingers together for warmth. “B-but trust me, the crush is gone now, don’t worry.” “G-gone?” Was the sky spinning, or was he just seeing things? Was he melting? Even while sitting, he felt like the world had been pulled out from underneath him. She used to have a crush on him. She used to have a crush on him. Only to give it up so she could— so she could— Date Chat Noir. Date him. His breath crumbled in his lungs, suffocating and painful in the cold air. AO3 link

He heard her first before actually seeing her. His back turned to their tent in the cool, chilly night— he knew just by the sound of her voice she had tucked herself into her knitted cap, and layered long sleeves to keep the cold air from permeating into her skin. “Oh— Hi, Adrien.”

“Did I wake you?”

“No, no. Just— just looking for something to do for a little while. Couldn’t fall asleep?”

He poked a bit at the firepit with a metal prong, watching the flames lick the sides of the sticks he’d put inside the bowl the way Nino had taught him to do. He sat back onto his little floor cushion, turning just so to catch a hint of Marinette’s pink lips pulled into a shy smile as she zipped the tent behind her closed.

He shook his head, warm in the chest as Marinette pulled out another cushion from the small laundry bag they had brought to store them in, and she sat close to the fire. Close enough for him to wrap his arms around her, if he were any bolder, or if he was any less terrified. “Not yet. Nino is moving too much, and I can’t find his phone to stop the music blaring from his headphones— I’d follow the wire, but they’re bluetooth. He’s going to go deaf in his sleep one day from how loud it is.”

Her laughter filled him to the brim with warmth, and he couldn’t stop himself from letting his own smile form.

“What about you? What are you doing out here instead of sleeping?”

She laughed to herself, rubbing her hands together, trying to keep herself warm. He wished he could reach over to her and warm them for her— but he was nothing more than a stranger to her. He turned his attention back to the fire to keep himself from acting on impulse. “Oh— well— It’s embarrassing to admit, really.”

He smiled into the collar of his sweater. “Try me.”

Always up for a challenge, Marinette’s eyes sparkled as she took his bait. “I move a lot in my sleep, too. I’m a hugger.”

“Oh really?” Adrien wanted nothing more than to tell her that he knew exactly that. He knew what Marinette looked like tucked under his chin, arms somehow making it to his hair and petting behind the ears. The sweet smell of milk soap on her skin making up for the headbutts he’d get as she tossed and turned in his arms. The way to only manage to get her to hold still for even a brief period of time was to sleep on top of her, blanketing her in his own weight.

He knew that she hated his fake snoring. He wasn’t sure if he did it for some backwards irony to make up for the lack of sleep he always got, but he loved the sweet and generous laughter he got out of her from it.

He knew that her laughter was contagious past nine at night— where her smile would take form into one of the most beautiful sights he’d ever seen, where her eyes would twinkle like stars.

He knew that when she finally did sleep, and finally did stop moving for the night, her weight was comforting on him— assuming that somehow she’d flipped their positions throughout the night to rest her head on the space on his shoulder. She’d always complained about the sleekness of his hexleather costume and how it was impossible for her to feel comfortable without slipping off, and yet she fell asleep for hours on him without having her head slip off him uncomfortably.

He knew that her hair tickled his nose when she slept, and that he only slept well when he could smell the easy scent of her shampoo pressed up against him.

And he knew that Marinette only slept well when she could press the meat of her palm on the space just below his clavicle, letting her hand rest where his chest rose and fell.

“Oh, yeah. I’m a total annoyance— Alya hates it— she feels claustrophobic whenever she sleeps near me, so I’m letting her get some sleep before I head back in.” Marinette sat back, humor lining her own voice, completely oblivious to the way Adrien was buzzing in his seat with yearning— wishing to the point it hurt to just reach out to her and kiss her. “How long have you been out here for?”

“I’m not sure. An hour, I think?” Adrien poked at the fire again, flipping one of the sticks over to the other side and watching the fresh bark crumble and burn. Ever since they’d tucked in for the night, he hadn’t been able to sleep. It’d been a long while since he had to sleep without Marinette with him, and the experience was foreign.

His hands had gravitated so much towards the other heat source in bed— Nino— looking for a hand to hold or someone’s neck to nuzzle. He’d nearly pulled Nino onto him like he was used to doing with Marinette— and while he was sure Nino wouldn’t mind, Adrien had left the tent before it had gotten embarrassing. He missed her warmth.

He didn’t know heartache could be so strong.

Marinette fiddled with her phone, swiping through her conversation on her apps, waiting for the circle bar to finish loading and refresh for new messages. Nothing. Adrien tried not to pay attention to what was on her phone— he was just a friend, she didn’t know him— but he couldn’t help himself watch her refresh their conversation over and over again on a blackened messenger app, lilac pink chat bubbles jumping back and forth on her screen with every refresh.

Waiting for a response from him.

Him.

Chat Noir him.

But not Adrien him.

She sighed to herself, biting her bottom lip, accepting the lack of internet. “I guess there’s no signal out here?”

“I tried sending out a couple of messages already,” He nodded, admitting to her face that he had tried to respond. She didn’t know he was referring to that— was it obvious in his eyes at how much he wished he could say it to her? “Nothing— uhm— nothing went through.”

They break eye contact after a moment.

His heart felt heavy.

“Oh, wow. The service here must be a lot worse than I thought. I hope we don’t need to contact anyone this weekend, or anything like that.” Marinette crossed her legs in front of her, wiping her palms on her pajama pants. Chat Noir paw-prints dotted all on the legs— a gift from him last christmas. He’d bought it off of the original fan merch website after spending a while looking for what to get her. She’d laughed about it, given Chat Noir a glare that had dissolved into laughter as he had opened his own gift and confetti had ruptured out of the small box.

He loved the bed slippers she had given him, and always made sure to hide it away under his bed or in his closet whenever his friends came over.

It wasn’t a gift for Adrien. Because it wasn’t for this half of him.

It was a gift for Chat Noir— and he made sure to keep it away from his civilian friends. The mint green color for the bunnies was incredibly endearing.

She wore her own gift for laughs sometimes, always finding it incredibly humorous that he’d gone out and bought his own merch. He always made sure to pepper her face with kisses every time she wore it, telling her that she looked like she was his biggest fan. It never failed to make her laugh to the point of losing her breath.

Adrien never felt so far away from her than sitting right next to her in front of the fire.

It made him want to cry that Marinette had put it on willingly, unknowing that he was here, most likely for the simple reason to have a bit of him with her while she left the city for the weekend. Adrien blushed to himself, staring away from Marinette’s hands, who he’d gotten entranced to looking at the way they moved. He wished he could hold her hand. His voice felt weak. “W-well I’m sure we won’t need to call anyone for a while. We brought enough food to last for a week, Nino’s decision. If we hike up more of the mountain tomorrow, we’ll probably have more signal.”

A private smile filtered to her face, one that he shouldn’t be able to read. But he knew everything about Marinette now. She was excited to have service. She wanted to text him. She curled her legs in closer to her, holding herself tight, resting her forehead and tired eyes on her knees. The small lock of hair that escaped her cap fell from her shoulder, spilling softly onto her collarbone.

Adrien tried not to stare, the words he so desperately wanted to say and had practiced for the entire night getting stuck at the edge of his throat. He— he couldn’t do it.

Coward. Coward.

Marinette would hate him, wouldn’t she? She’d trusted her entire life with Chat Noir— but he was a nobody to her when he was Adrien. What chance did he have to ruin her trust like that, and hope that it turned out okay?

“I won’t be able to send a goodnight text tonight. I hope… I hope that’s okay.” Marinette murmured to herself, speaking into her knees. Adrien wondered if she missed him as much as he missed her— regardless of her being right next to him.

He wondered if he’d be able to tell her the truth like he had planned to. His mouth refused to move, his tongue pretending to be made out of cement. He’d fought countless of Akumas, stared at death hundreds of times— he faulters now. Here. An entire galaxy and universe between them, even as they’re just centimeters away from each other.

He pretended not to hear her, favoring on bringing the subject back to the cold. He poked a bit more at the fire, letting a fresh new stick fall into the pit, enjoying the way the flame licked the surface. “Hey, I think there’s hot chocolate left in the container from dinner. Do you want to share the rest of it?”

“Oh, that’s a great idea. Let me go find it. It’s in the cooler, right?” The fire coated her cheeks rosy pink. She’d gotten so much better at communicating with Adrien him the last two years ever since Chat Noir him had shown up at her doorstep— and while she was finally able to maintain eye contact with Adrien without squeaking, she was always outspoken with him whenever he was covered in hexleather as Chat Noir— always so opinionated and passionate. Adrien couldn’t help himself by falling in love. Smitten as a kitten.

Marinette would’ve loved that pun. He wished he could tell her it.

Just three words. Just three words. All he had to do was just say three words.

He poked at the fire listlessly, trying to hype himself up to tell her the truth. She deserved to know. She deserved to know that it was him. The boy who showed up at her door every night was nothing more than her classmate that she had managed to finally stop sputtering in front of. He wanted to tell her that he loved her outside of his suit— he wanted to tell her that he wanted to be with her always, hexleather or genuine skin— he wanted to fall asleep with her tucked underneath his chin every day for the rest of his life.

He continued to poke at the fire with his prong. He couldn’t tell her.

Marinette found her way back over to him and she pushed her floor pillow closer to him with a foot, trying to balance her phone in one hand and the camping insulation bottle in the other. Her smile shy, she sat down before she had even made up her mind. Adrien tried not to scare her off.

She passed him a cup, and Adrien wept on the inside at their fingertips touching each other. Why was he such a coward? Why couldn’t he turn to her and tell her— “Adrien? Everything okay?”

“Sorry,” He dropped the metal fire poker in his hand, leaning forward to give her better attention. She held the hot chocolate bottle in between two mittened hands, smile soft and curious on her face. He tried not to dissolve into a blush, cursing himself for letting his thoughts run away without him. He bit the inside of his cheek as she poured his drink for him, the sound of the fire crackling and hissing loud against the silence of their breaths.

He hadn’t been joking when he had said that Nino’s music had been too loud. Even when Adrien had originally gotten over trying to cuddle with Nino under the covers, the music blasting in his headphones was enough to wake Adrien up from the edge of sleep. Leaning back against the fallen log, cradling the cup of hot chocolate in his hands and looking into the fire, Adrien reasoned that he could fall asleep in the position he was in. He was sure his back would protest the hike they would go on the following day if he did, but at least he wouldn’t be waking up to his hand searching for body warmth.

“I feel kind of bad for the both of them.” Marinette pulled her legs up to put her chin on, hugging her knees with her arms.

“Who?” Adrien took a sip out of his cup. Lukewarm and agonizingly sweet from all the undissolved sugar that sat at the bottom of the bottle. Perfect for the chill. Perfect for him to get his mind off of things for a bit.

He could see from the corner of his eyes that Marinette was gazing into the fireplace, the strings from her cap falling across her shoulders. He wanted to reach over and tuck that stray piece of hair under her hat— brush her bangs back and kiss her forehead. “Alya and Nino. I feel kind of bad that they have to sleep in separate tents because of us.”

“I’m sure they don’t mind it.” He kept his tone polite, trying not to devolve into his usual banter of flirts. I wouldn’t mind sharing another bed with you. He was Adrien. He was just a friend. She didn’t know him well enough. She didn’t know how well their fingers intertwined.

A short chilly breeze cut through their conversation, sending a plume of smoke from the fire into their general direction. The two of them parted, jumping quickly off their cushions as they tried not to laugh too hard. The smell of smoke burned in his nose and stained his clothes— no doubt his hair smelled like smoke, too. He should’ve worn a hat to keep the smoke smell off. Too late now.

Marinette laughed from the other side of the firepit, the light bright enough for him to see how sparkly her blue eyes were. He could probably see stars in them, if he got close enough— he knew that they lived there often whenever she was with him. “Was that the fire telling us to go to bed?”

“Not a chance,” He kept his voice low, and took a sip from his cup. It just barely tasted like smoke, which was a good sign to keep drinking. “But it may have been the fire telling us to get warmer. It’s freezing out here.”

As if she’d noticed only when he said it, she nodded in agreement, suddenly shivering under her three layers of clothes. He hoped she wouldn’t catch a cold from how much shivering she was doing.

He passed her the handle of his mug and asked her to wait, unzipping his tent to grab for his blanket. He almost hit the back of Nino’s calf in search for an end of the blanket to pull on. He brought the blanket’s edge around his shoulders, letting a big portion of the fabric drape across his shoulder as he accepted his cup back. He held the rest of the blanket with his long arm and shrugged his shoulder, beckoning Marinette to come closer and share the blanket with him.

As a friend. Just a friend. Always a friend.

He was miserable without being able to touch her.

They sat back down on the pillows, shoulders barely touching. She accepted the other end of the blanket with a thankful smile, and draped the remaining fabric over her thin frame. They sat in comfortable silence, letting the smoke billow up and the blanket cover them from the chill. He sipped from his cup contently, trying his best to stay at ease with her next to him.

Soft, strained laughter made its way out of Marinette’s throat. “No, I don’t think Alya’s okay with sleeping away from her boyfriend. Alya’s been trying to get me to change tents with Nino the entire trip over. This was supposed to be their getaway from home, you know. I’m sure she doesn’t actually mind sleeping in another tent, but I think she’d like it a lot more if they were together.”

“Is that what the both of you were talking about in the back of the van?” Nino had wanted to drive for the majority of the car trip, saying that whoever drived was always considered the designated controller of the speakers. Alya had sent him in the passenger seat, claiming that his kilometers of model-legs would cramp in the back seat no matter how much space he was given. His chance to try to warm himself up to talking to Marinette had been squished.

Marinette and Alya had spent the entire car ride talking in hushed voices in the back of the van, and Adrien wasn’t able to hear them over the sound of the speakers. Marinette had been stained permanently red from whatever blush had come up throughout the trip by the time they had made it to the park they were camping at. At the time, Adrien hadn’t understood what the fuss was about.

“Y-yeah.” She took a sip from her own cup.

“I’m sorry.” He found himself speaking before he was able to think of something to say, fingers white-knuckling around his mug. “Uhm. I know I make you uncomfortable sometimes— so the switch— it wouldn’t have been ideal.”

Marinette turned to him as best as she could on her floor pillow, trying her best not to jostle her hot chocolate. “No— no you don’t— make me uncomfortable. Honestly— I— I’m just really shy.”

He knew that wasn’t true. He knew for a fact that Marinette wasn’t shy with anything except when it came to Adrien. Marinette was vocal about everything and anything with everybody— he’d seen her bicker with akumatized people just as he showed up to take her away from trouble, and even when tossed over his shoulder to run she’d continue to ask them to let go of the akumas in them. Marinette was brave— and he knew that— and she knew that— but she couldn’t tell Adrien.

He wanted to cry. He was a coward who couldn’t tell her.

“Still though,” He cleared his throat as he felt a wave of tears threaten to take over his voice. “I don’t ever want to purposely make you uncomfortable, Marinette. You’re one of my closest friends. Being in a tent together would’ve made you uncomfortable, wouldn’t it?”

And incredibly difficult to explain if he had pulled her on him in the middle of the night, like he usually did under the context of being Chat Noir. It was one thing to explain doing it when he did it all the time. It was another to try to make an excuse when he was just his civilian self.

“No, no! I promise— I promise you don’t make me uncomfortable. Alya’s just been pressuring me to pair up with you since the beginning of time, it feels like.” She ducked her head, shy. Her cap’s strings bobbed at the movement, and she pulled at her collar as if she was struggling with admitting it. “I used to have a huge— huge— crush on you when we were younger. She took hold of it and has been running with the idea that we’re perfect for each other ever since then.”

He nearly choked on his drink. “Really?”

“It was embarrassing.” She placed the cup down and rubbed her fingers together for warmth. “B-but trust me, the crush is gone now, don’t worry.”

“G-gone?” Was the sky spinning, or was he just seeing things? Was he melting? Even while sitting he felt like the world had been pulled out from underneath him. She used to have a crush on him. She used to have a crush on him. Only to give it up so she could— so she could—

Date Chat Noir.

Date him.

His breath crumbled in his lungs, suffocating and painful in the cold air.

“I mean it’s been years now, and we’re good friends like you’ve said and— well I just— well— I have a boyfriend.” He saw her visibly bite her tongue at that. Her eyes widened at what she’d just said, nervously patting at her Chat Noir pajama pants, finally realizing that she’d admitted to having a crush on him. “I don’t think— and the tent is so small— it would be like sharing a bed and—”

“I— Oh— you do?” He had no words, staring at her with wide, slow-blinking eyes. Marinette had never referred to him as her— her— oh. Oh. Wait. Hold on. “But Marinette I would never— uh— and I never knew— I’m sorry—”

Something rattled in his chest, threatening to make him cough. Inhaled the hot chocolate into the wrong tube, he reasoned, but he couldn’t focus on it now.

Marinette referred to him as her boyfriend.

She used to have a crush on him.

The firepit was too loud in his ears. It was too hot under the blanket, surely that was it.

She smothered her nervous laughter into her cup, gazing behind her to see if Alya stirred at all in her tent. They didn’t have to worry about Nino, with his noise-canceling headphones. A bear could come in and take all their food and Nino wouldn’t notice. Or a boar. Many boars. Wolves. Cows. An entire procession of cows. With cowbells.

Adrien could scream at the top of his lungs— and he was very close to doing it— and Nino would be completely deaf to all of it.

“No, no, I didn’t— I didn’t mean to suggest that you’d do something, oh my god I’m so sorry, that’s not what I meant at all— I know you wouldn’t.” She groaned. “It— I just meant— it just wouldn’t feel okay to me.”

“Right. Yeah I’m— sorry. I never knew you had a boyfriend— god— I’m so sorry for—” Adrien couldn’t breathe, trying to clear his throat. She had a crush on him. Had. The stars in her eyes were blinding. “How— uh— how? How long, I mean?”

She blushed. How was he supposed to survive this? Oh— and she’d never called him her boyfriend before, at least not to his knowledge. They kissed a lot, they played video games, he helped her study and she would let him catnap on her chaise during the afternoon sun, but— well— there was only so much dating they could do when one of them was masked as one of the Heroes of Paris and was also a coward that couldn’t tell the girl he loved and dated that he was a civilian that she knew and— Adrien wanted to kick himself.

“Two years, maybe. That sounds about right, I guess?” She spoke so softly that he almost missed it in his turmoil.

He felt faint. “Two years?”

“We don’t really have an anniversary.” She had the idea to be sheepish as he stared at her, scratching the back of her neck with her fingers while she worried her lip between her teeth. She broke eye contact with him in favor of looking down at her cup which was only left with the small dots of undissolved chocolate spots. Adrien couldn’t stop staring at the way the firelight illuminated her face.

“He’s… very lucky to have you.” Adrien managed to say after a long pause in the conversation, his hands flexing hard around his own cup. Thoughts of being called her boyfriend so casually to anyone else made his entire body heat up in warm thoughts, and it made him want to take off his sweater from how sweaty the back of his neck was starting to get. If he could drown himself at the lake, he would’ve.

“He’s a private person,” She tried reasoning to him, under the impression that he was upset. “I don’t mention him because I don’t want to overwhelm him.”

Only half-true. Everyone knew who Chat Noir was, and even Marinette herself knew that he talked about his life as best as he could under the circumstances of not being able to reveal his secret identity. It would make him absolutely delighted to hear Marinette mention him even more in casual conversations like this.

“I can relate to being a private person,” Adrien chose to say, leaning hard onto his life-of-fame outlook. “Does Alya know about him?”

Marinette frowned. “Oh, god, no. Please don’t tell her— she’d never let me hear the end of it of how excited she is and the double dates and so many things we could do. We’ve never really discussed if we were ever going to tell others but I think it’s for the best we don’t. Alya wouldn’t be happy finding out that it’s already been two years, we’ve dug ourselves into a pit with this one honestly.”

Especially since it was Chat Noir. Alya would suffocate the both of them. The fact that he could envision it with such clarity made him grit his teeth.

He winced sympathetically. “I get you. Don’t worry, Marinette. Your secret’s safe with me. I promise. And don’t worry about your— ah— boyfriend. I hope he’s a nice guy.”

She nodded a bit too enthusiastically. “Oh. He’s wonderful.”

She gladly took his cup once he was done drinking the rest of the hot chocolate, and stood up to bin it. His hands clammed cold against the fabric of his pajama pants, and he wiped them against his thighs. He needed to tell her.

Seriously. He needed to tell her.

It wouldn’t be okay to continue this lie in front of her— especially since she called him her boyfriend to his face even though they’ve never talked about it— god what was he supposed to say to her when they saw each other again back at her house? How was he supposed to continue doing what he was doing now that he knew that she had a crush on him once?

He was going to faint.

He pulled out his phone while she pittered behind him, and cursed at the blinking empty spot on the top left corner of his screen. No signal. He couldn’t even text it to her even if he wanted to. He refreshed the messaging app just as a last measure, looking for anything that could come through. Nothing.

It wasn’t as if he hadn’t tried earlier today, hitting refresh over and over on the app looking for new messages. He’d typed and then untyped messages on how he would tell her what he’d been trying to prepare himself to say for weeks. Everytime he thought he had gotten a message that looked perfect, he thought of the way Marinette smiled and laughed, and realized that he would break into a thousand little cataclysm pieces if he messed this up and lost it. Lost her.

Was he a coward? Could he truly not just turn to her and open his mouth and say the words that he’s been trying to say all night ever since he came out of his tent and started poking at the fire, longing for her to be right next to him and happy that they were together? And not have to hide behind a stupid hexleather domino mask and have Plagg complain to him that he was being too much of a lovesick idiot to do anything about it except just continue to go to her house?

Was he not able to confess his true feelings to a girl who had literally just spoken about having a crush on him to the point that their friends had tried to set her up on numerous occasions with him? And yet, his mouth remained shut. Coward. He was a coward.

“Marinette?” He turned to look for her, surprised that she was returning to her seat with an apple. He pocketed his phone, shy. He watched her eat, battling his mouth and brain for words to form and speak and say it.

“Adrien? Everything okay?” She looked as nervous as he did.

“Yeah. Yeah, everything’s okay.” His tongue felt too big for his mouth. He didn’t want to ruin this. She was the greatest thing to happen to him. He couldn’t do it. Even if it made him flounder and upset at his cowardice, he couldn’t tell her. If something happened to their relationship because she was upset about it being him, Adrien would never be able to live it down.

“Are you sure?” He watched a trail of juice from the apple curl down her wrist.

“Oh, yeah. You should tell me more about him.” Adrien almost thunked his head back into the log behind him, disappointed in the way his voice sounded desperate. Anything to get Marinette from questioning why he looked like he was about to faint.

She looked up at him in between long lashes, adoration so crystal clear on his face. No. He definitely couldn’t tell her that it was him. “He’s my best friend. He’s my whole world.”

“More than Alya is?” He hoped he didn’t sound winded.

“Absolutely more.” She passed the apple between her hands, the puff at the end of her cap bobbing with her movements. “Oops. Don’t tell her that.”

He grabbed for the metal poker, letting his hands fidget with the sticks and the slow crackle of the fire. “What makes him your best friend?”

“He just knows so much about me. We spend so much time together. We’re hardly ever apart.”

“What’s your favorite moment with him?”

He knew her well enough to recognize her nostalgic gaze up to the starlit sky. He recognized her smile— reminiscing with such raw longing that Adrien had to give a double take in her direction. He wondered what specific moment she was thinking about. He wondered what moment he would pick if she ever asked him.

He remembered the days he would show up at her trap door, looking for somewhere to stay after a fight with his dad. Back when things were simple and Marinette was the only thing that could fix it.

Who was he kidding? Marinette was still the only thing that could fix it.

He remembered after the first few Akuma fights, when he would show up at her door just as a courtesy to check in if she was okay— the Akuma fights where Marinette would be in the middle of the fight begging the akumatized person to change their mind— and he would stay for hours. Under the pretence that he was concerned for a citizen of Paris, of course.

He remembered when she cried on his for the first time— something had happened at school that he had never understood because Marinette was a silent cryer when she cried, and didn’t speak other than the occasional curse word. He remembered when he cried on her for the first time. That was when he found out that she smelled like milksoap— and the scent had clung to his nose like a blanket for the entirety of the following day. The following school day he had felt that he was floating, drifting away in a cloud of milksoap.

He’d been useless during that following Akuma attack.

He remembered their first kiss— how could he not? The memory was seared into his head for the rest of time. It was one thing for him to lay on her bed while they watched cartoons together. It was another to lean towards her, hogging her body pillow, while she looked at him with wide expectant eyes. She wanted something from him, and he wasn’t sure what. A gentle little smile. Her breath caught on something. He couldn’t stop looking at her. What other choice did he have but to kiss her in that moment?

In her soft pajamas? Hair down? Cherry lip balm? The smell of hot chocolate on her breath? He wasn’t a fool. He had never been more sure of something in his life.

He still couldn’t remember what the cartoon was about.

Plagg had made fun of him for the entire day following it. He couldn’t help himself. All he wanted to do for the rest of his life was kiss her.

“My favorite memory would be… well. There was a day where he found out I have freckles.” Her voice took him out of his thoughts, and he nearly missed it.

“Your— your freckles?” He tilted his head, trying to give the impression that he had been paying attention.

Marinette’s eyes softened towards the fire, completely lost in thought. Adrien tried not to lose his breath. Even wind-chilled, and lips chapped, she made his heart hurt. “It was late, once. I think we were watching a movie at my place.”

It had been his idea to watch the movie. He had been absolutely certain that she would’ve loved the movie— and he was still sure— but they’d never finished. The entire time he had completely ignored it in favor of playing a game with her on trying to put his head on her lap without her trying to push him off the bed. She had laughed the entire time while he was trying, advocating on closing the movie app in favor of letting him cuddle. He’d gotten too close to her face, in the process— her laughter had died down. Her eyes were so much more bluer up close.

She had freckles. He remembered counting them— a smattering of dots across the bridge of her nose and the tops of her cheekbones. He’d lost track after twenty, since she’d broken away from him, stammering over her words that reminded him of when she talked to him as Adrien. It hadn’t taken a lot of brain power to realize that their movie night was done. He’d gone home after apologizing, and could barely look at her in the eye the next day.

“He looked at me like he had finally realized what I looked like,” Marinette laughed to herself, taking a bite of her apple. She was nearly done with it, Adrien noticed too late. She was going to get up soon. Maybe even head to bed. “It was the sweetest little moment we had, I feel like. I think about it all the time.”

Adrien could only keep the polite smile on his face for so long. Was she yearning for him? Did she know how much he wanted to burst from being so close to her but having to be a complete stranger? Did she know that he wanted to drown himself in the lake from how awake he was? If they parted for the night, he wouldn’t be able to sleep for the next week and a half. Plagg would never stop teasing him about it for the rest of time. If only she knew what he was going through. He tried not to choke on his tongue as his mouth ran over itself. “Marinette? I want to tell you something.”

She turned away from the fire to look at him fast enough to give him whiplash. “Oh. Did I— I’m sorry— did I over talk?”

“No, no not at all!” He could hear the strain in his voice. I’m here. I’m right here. It’s me. “I just. I just. Uhm.”

She tried to appease him. “Oh. If it’s about me having a crush on you, it’s okay. We’re just friends.”

He was an idiot. A huge idiot. Say the words. Say them. She was right there. Hugging distance. Kissing distance. He wanted to kiss her so badly. “No— well. It’s about the ‘you having a crush on me’ part, yes, but not just that.”

“Go on?” She winced at the weakness of her voice.

“I’m sorry.” Oh, he really wanted to drown himself now. What was wrong with him? Why couldn’t he say it? He fought akumas harder than this, and he had bruises to prove it. Why couldn’t he just say the words? His hands were shaking in his lap. He was freezing and on fire. His miraculous ring was never more interesting than it was as he twisted it on his finger with his other hand.

She frowned, not at all understanding. “What are you apologizing for?”

“I’m sorry for not knowing you had a crush on me when we were younger.” He was the emotional equivalent of grasping at straws, desperate for himself to be able to say the words in the most graceful way. Chat Noir was a coward. He wondered if Ladybug would be mad if she knew that he was floundering on telling a girl his true feelings.

“Oh— oh. That’s— that’s fine.”

“It isn’t. I should’ve realized.” He was nervous enough to rake an entire hand into his hair. “I should’ve seen the signs. I’m sorry. I didn’t realize. I thought you had been just a best friend at the time.”

“Seriously— it’s— it’s fine.” She waved him away. “It was such a long— long— time ago. We were children.”

Adrien could do nothing but be silent for the following minutes. Marinette had a boyfriend now. Of course she would be over him. Even though she was still dating him. What a confusing mess…

Would she still be over him after he told her? If she walked away, or zipped herself in her tent? The following day of hiking would be awkward and terrible. Oh, God. He didn’t want to lose her. If he sat here and ignored everything— continued to stare into the fire, with her at his side— would he be able to withstand the rest of the weekend? She was understanding, and she was kind, but he couldn’t help himself from trying to preserve one of the best things to happen to him.

Would it hurt if he fell face first into the fire? Anything would be more bearable than this. He would never be able to model again— no more money, fine. Who cared? He’d be dead. Maybe. He could feel it bubbling in him, threatening to escape his mouth in whichever way it could.

“I— I’m Chat Noir.” He bit his tongue so hard he could taste copper, trying to stop himself from talking. He managed to hold back a string of curses that tried slipping through.

She nearly dropped her apple, which was now mostly cored, searching his face for a joke. “I— hold on— what?”

“I’m Chat. I’m Chat Noir.” He barreled through it like ripping off a bandaid, refusing to make eye contact. “I know you were talking about me being your boyfriend. For two years. It’s— I’m— I’m Chat Noir.”

“Are— are you sure?”

“What?” It was his turn to frown at her. Was she starting to smile? “What— huh? What do you mean ‘am I sure’?”

“Are you sure you’re Chat Noir?”

He had the audacity to look down at his miraculous ring, wondering for a split second if he had hallucinated the past four years of his life. “I think so.”

She threw her hands around him tight, fisting the back of his sweater with her hands. The apple went flying from her hand, past his tent, and somewhere into the bushes— snapping twigs along its path. The fire crackled low as the last stick in the firepit burned, the branding heat leaving way to the chill air. He paid no mind to any of it, his nose full of milksoap, and his hands full of soft fabric from her layers of long sleeves.

Laughter bubbled in his ear as she clung to him— soft, sweet laughter that gripped his heart to the point it hurt. “I’m kidding, I’m kidding. I already knew, Adrien— I’ve been waiting for you to tell me for a couple of hours now.”

“What? How— how did— you—” He couldn’t help himself from pulling her closer, burying his face into her shoulder, feeling faint and overwhelmed. He couldn’t feel the log behind him, and he couldn’t feel his toes.

She curled her hand in his hair, and Adrien nearly lost his mind. The entire time he had felt guilty about keeping this from her and she’d accepted him with open arms. He would argue that crying was absolutely a valid response. “It’s okay. It’s okay. Don’t cry, kitty-cat— it’s okay.”

He sucked in a breath. “How long have you known?”

“Just today. I found out this morning.”

“What do you mean? How did you—”

“You left early from my house today. You— you told me you needed to get ready for our trip, which was why you left so early from my house” She whispered. “I thought that was your way of telling me that you’re Adrien— but— you never mentioned it when we met up again at Alya’s house so I thought I’d— hallucinated it in my sleep.”

“Why didn’t you say something?” His mouth pinched. “Please— why— why didn’t you?”

She wiped a tear from his face. And then another. And then another. “I— I didn’t know if I’d heard you correctly, Adrien! I didn’t want to give something away just in case— so I’ve been trying to drop hints this entire time, instead.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay, kitty-cat. You’re okay. Please don’t cry.”

He smothered her, pulled her into his lap to wrap the blanket around them, sucking in breath after breath. “I hadn’t even realized what I did— I’m sorry. I’m sorry I left you waiting for me to admit it— I’m sorry that I took so long to tell you— I’m so sorry that it took me this long.”

“It’s okay.” She shook her head, the strings of the cap falling across her shoulders again. “It’s okay, Adrien. We’re okay. Everything is okay.”

He tucked the stray piece of hair back underneath her cap, hands buzzing from the ability to touch her. He followed the outline of her eyes with his thumbs— he followed the outline of her cheeks and jawline, as well— petting each individual freckle that dusted her cheeks. “Marinette— my god— I’ve— I’ve been going crazy this entire day— I couldn’t do it anymore. I needed to tell you— I’ve been wanting to— to tell you— for— for the past two years. God. God.”

He tried his best not to squish her while he hugged her, but he couldn’t contain himself as soft peels of laughter mixed with his tears escaped. She laughed, and hugged him just as hard, squeezing all of the air in his lungs out.

Everything was okay. Everything was going to be okay.

“I couldn’t fall asleep without you, Princess.” He managed to say after they’ve cried enough.

“I couldn’t either,” She confessed into his shoulder. “It was terrible— so horrible. Alya hogs the sheets— and then she has the audacity to complain about me moving around too much. I honestly was starting to go nuts, I’m so tired without you. I can’t sleep without you anymore, kitty-cat— I was about to somehow convince you that we needed to sleep in the same area together.”

“I wouldn’t mind sharing a bed with you.” He kept his laughter down at the little pinch she gave him at his side. He couldn’t stop himself from pressing kisses to her forehead, at the edge of where her cap met her hairline when he brushed her hair back— when he kissed each individual constellation of freckles that dotted her upper cheekbones. “I’ll have you know, I’m an expert sleeper.”

She kissed him sweetly on the lips, giggling to the point it looked like it hurt. Adrien tried not to sniffle too hard as warmth after warmth filled his chest. “Believe me— trust me— we’ll sleep fine from now on.”

#fragileizyfic #fragileizyoneshot #marichat #marinette dupain cheng #chat noir #marichat fanfiction #i hope you're having a good day!!!!!💕

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welllpthisishappening · 3 years

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Welllp These Are Books: the March 2021 Edition

There aren’t even any pictures! Except in that one book where there were pictures! It was weird! This was a weird book month! Back at it again with thoughts and opinions about a whole mess of books that no one explicitly asked for, but I’ve got lots of thoughts and opinions and they only count if I share them on the internet. Seriously, someone let me go to a baseball game soon. Obligatory warning for spoilers and vaguely unhinged rants under the cut. As always, feel free to come tell me what else I should be reading at literally any time ever.

Best Book of the Month Honors Goes to This Book, Even Though They Called It Halftime at a Hockey Game. A Hockey Game!

The Dating Plan by Sara Desai

Daisy Patel is a software engineer who understands lists and logic better than bosses and boyfriends. With her life all planned out, and no interest in love, the one thing she can't give her family is the marriage they expect. Left with few options, she asks her childhood crush to be her decoy fiancé. Liam Murphy is a venture capitalist with something to prove. When he learns that his inheritance is contingent on being married, he realizes his best friend's little sister has the perfect solution to his problem. A marriage of convenience will get Daisy's matchmaking relatives off her back and fulfill the terms of his late grandfather's will. If only he hadn’t broken her tender teenage heart nine years ago… Sparks fly when Daisy and Liam go on a series of dates to legitimize their fake relationship. Too late, they realize that very little is convenient about their arrangement. History and chemistry aren't about to follow the rules of this engagement.

— Ok, it’s important to know that I really did love this book. It hit all my trope-wants. Childhood friends, incredibly stupid misunderstandings, pining, seriously God the pining, fake engagement, BANTER. It was all going great. I was occasionally swooning. They kept making out! And then! THEN. They went to a hockey game. On a date. A fake date. Cool, cool, cool. All tropes, all the time right? Not so fast, internet! Because these self-proclaimed Sharks SUPER FANS referred to intermission as “halftime was coming up.” Halftime! At a hockey game! That’s—that’s not how hockey works! If this hadn’t been “traditionally” published, I probably could have let it slide. But that was not the case. This was a “real” book with, I can only assume, real editors. All of whom saw the words halftime and hockey near each other and we’re like YEAH, PRINT THAT SHIT. I read that at nearly one in the morning and seriously considered waking Justin up to be like CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS IS IN A REAL BOOK? Anyway, it was still real cute. Everyone lived happily ever after. It made want to eat samosas.

This Book Had Pictures, It Was Weird

Clean Sweep by Ilona Andrews

On the outside, Dina Demille is the epitome of normal. She runs a quaint Victorian Bed and Breakfast in a small Texas town, owns a Shih Tzu named Beast, and is a perfect neighbor, whose biggest problem should be what to serve her guests for breakfast. But Dina is...different: Her broom is a deadly weapon; her Inn is magic and thinks for itself. Meant to be a lodging for otherworldly visitors, the only permanent guest is a retired Galactic aristocrat who can’t leave the grounds because she’s responsible for the deaths of millions and someone might shoot her on sight. Under the circumstances, "normal" is a bit of a stretch for Dina.

And now, something with wicked claws and deepwater teeth has begun to hunt at night...Feeling responsible for her neighbors, Dina decides to get involved. Before long, she has to juggle dealing with the annoyingly attractive, ex-military, new neighbor, Sean Evans—an alpha-strain werewolf—and the equally arresting cosmic vampire soldier, Arland, while trying to keep her inn and its guests safe. But the enemy she’s facing is unlike anything she’s ever encountered before. It’s smart, vicious, and lethal, and putting herself between this creature and her neighbors might just cost her everything.

— So, Ilona Andrews is a name that keeps coming up because when I borrow a book from the library I have to go through Kindle and Amazon is like...here are some other absurd fantasy romances you’d enjoy. Also, one of her other series had been recc’ed to me. Only problem? The first book in that series is the only book in that series not available at my library. So, I was like, ok, I’ll start this one instead. It was...weird. Honestly, it felt like I’d been dropped in the middle of the story and the narrator was like, well why don’t you already know what’s going on? In theory the world building was cool. (I was not expecting alien werewolves, lemme tell you that!) But also it all felt very rushed and the end just sorta happened.

In Which I Continue to Love “Same Verse” Books & No One Else Had Sex in the Port Jeff High School Dugout. For Which I Was Grateful

Love Her or Lose Her by Tessa Bailey

Rosie and Dominic Vega are the perfect couple: high school sweethearts, best friends, madly in love. Well, they used to be anyway. Now Rosie’s lucky to get a caveman grunt from the ex-soldier every time she walks in the door. Dom is faithful and a great provider, but the man she fell in love with ten years ago is nowhere to be found. When her girlfriends encourage Rosie to demand more out of life and pursue her dream of opening a restaurant, she decides to demand more out of love, too. Three words: marriage boot camp.

Never in a million years did Rosie believe her stoic, too-manly-to-emote husband would actually agree to relationship rehab with a weed-smoking hippie. Dom talking about feelings? Sitting on pillows? Communing with nature? Learning love languages? Nope. But to her surprise, he’s all in, and it forces her to admit her own role in their cracked foundation. As they complete one ridiculous—yet surprisingly helpful—assignment after another, their remodeled relationship gets stronger than ever. Except just as they’re getting back on track, Rosie discovers Dom has a secret... and it could demolish everything.

— Listen, one of my absolutely favorite tropes that I do not think gets enough love in the world is COMMITTED LONG-LASTING RELATIONSHIPS. And, like, ok, sure the premise of this was that they were separating in that long-lasting relationship. But no one really believed that, did they? Rosie and Dominic were real cute and their banter was good and I wasn’t totally skeeved out when they literally fucked on the kitchen floor. So, I think that’s saying something. Also, also! I seriously appreciated the realism of this book because no one on Long Island would ever call Manhattan Manhattan. It’s the city. Every other borough gets a name, but Manhattan is just the city and I nearly cheered when they said that. But also, no one’s taking a cab from Port Jeff to the Meatpacking District. You know what that would cost? God.

Tools of Engagement by Tessa Bailey

Hair, makeup, clothing, decor... everything in Bethany Castle's world is organized, planned, and styled to perfection. Which is why the homes she designs for her family's real estate business are the most coveted in town. The only thing not perfect? Her track record with men. She's on a dating hiatus and after helping her friends achieve their dreams, Bethany finally has time to focus on her own: flip a house, from framework to furnishings, all by herself. Except her older brother runs the company and refuses to take her seriously.

When a television producer gets wind of the Castle sibling rivalry, they’re invited on Flip Off, a competition to see who can do the best renovation. Bethany wants bragging rights, but she needs a crew and the only member of her brother's construction team willing to jump ship is Wes Daniels, the new guy in town. His Texas drawl and handsome face got under Bethany's skin on day one, and the last thing she needs is some cocky young cowboy in her way.

As the race to renovate heats up, Wes and Bethany are forced into close quarters, trading barbs and biting banter as they remodel the ugliest house on the block. It's a labor of love, hate, and everything in between, and soon sparks are flying. But Bethany's perfectly structured life is one kiss away from going up in smoke and she knows falling for a guy like Wes would be a flipping disaster.

— It should first be noted that in the three books of this series, I could not and cannot understand why Bethany’s brother was such a monumental dick. He was just...he was a dick. His marriage was awful. How long was his wife pregnant without him knowing???? I digress. This continued to be cute, Bethany was a legit heroine as far as those rom-com things go, Wes was very Texas and that got a little over the top, but they had sex in a bed like normal people so that helped. Oh, except that one time on the construction site. Whatever, this book was cute. This whole series was cute, really, and I was a big fan of the happy little wrap-everything-up with a bow ending.

Romance That Happens In Point Two Seconds Is...Unbelievable

Too Hot to Handle by Tessa Bailey

The road trip was definitely a bad idea. Having already flambéed her culinary career beyond recognition, Rita Clarkson is now stranded in God-Knows-Where, New Mexico, with a busted-ass car and her three temperamental siblings, who she hasn't seen in years. When rescue shows up---six-feet-plus of hot, charming sex on a motorcycle---Rita's pretty certain she's gone from the frying pan right into the fire . . . Jasper Ellis has a bad boy reputation in this town, and he loathes it. The moment he sees Rita, though, Jasper knows he's about to be sorely tempted. There's something real between them. Something raw. And Jasper has only a few days to show Rita that he isn't just for tonight---he's forever.

— For as much as I loved the Port Jeff series by my new pal Tessa, this one was...oof. Too much, guys. Too much. Fucking in trucks. Fucking in back offices. The whole book lasted, like, three days. And keep in mind this is coming from someone who has written like two million words about Killian Jones, self-loathing champ 250 years running, but Jasper’s self-loathing was a little over the top. Like, let’s not objectify dudes, but also...I don’t know guys. Maybe the other books in the series are better? I was mostly just annoyed by Rita.

What the Hell Happened at the End of This Book?? Seriously, I Have No Idea

The Queen’s Assassin by Melissa de la Cruz

Caledon Holt is the kingdom's deadliest weapon. No one alive can best him in speed, strength, or brains, which is why he's the Hearthstone Guild's most dangerous member. Cal is also the Queen's Assassin, bound to her by magic and unable to leave her service until the task she's set for him is fulfilled. Shadow of the Honey Glade has been training all her life to join the Guild, hoping that one day she'll become an assassin as feared and revered as Cal. But Shadow's mother and aunts expect her to serve the crown as a lady of the Renovian Court. When a surprise attack brings Shadow and Cal together, they're forced to team up as assassin and apprentice. Even though Shadow's life belongs to the court and Cal's belongs to the queen, they cannot deny their attraction to each other. But now, with war on the horizon and true love at risk, Shadow and Cal will uncover a shocking web of lies that will change their paths forever.

—WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED AT THE END OF THIS BOOK??? I figured out the so-called twist like...two chapters in. Fine, ok, whatever. It’s YA, this is not rocket science and I was interested enough in Cale and Shadow to see how it all played out. Only it didn’t really play out! Because the whole end was just this like four chapter retcon of basically EVERYTHING ELSE THAT HAPPENED and I genuinely could not believe it was happening. It didn’t make sense?!? Like with the plot? Also, spoiler, good thing Shadow and the other king haven’t consummated their marriage yet since she and Cale totally fucked after her wedding? What is YA? Why is Amazon telling me this is a Teacher’s Pick? Why hasn’t my hold come through on the sequel yet so I know what happens next?

Low-Stakes Romance Was Real Boring and All The People Were Boring In It

The Ten Rules for Faking It by Sophie Sullivan

As birthdays go, this year’s for radio producer Everly Dean hit rock-bottom. Worse than the “tonsillectomy birthday.” Worse than the birthday her parents decided to split (the first time). But catching your boyfriend cheating on you with his assistant? Even clichés sting. But this is Everly’s year! She won’t let her anxiety hold her back. She’ll pitch her podcast idea to her boss. There’s just one problem. Her boss, Chris, is very cute. (Of course). Also, he's extremely distant (which means he hates her, right? Or is that the anxiety talking)? And, Stacey the DJ didn’t mute the mic during Everly’s rant about Simon the Snake (syn: Cheating Ex). That’s three problems. Suddenly, people are lining up to date her, Bachelorette-style, fans are voting (Reminder: never leave house again), and her interest in Chris might be a two-way street. It’s a lot for a woman who could gold medal in people-avoidance. She’s going to have to fake it ‘till she makes it to get through all of this. Perhaps she’ll make a list: The Ten Rules for Faking It.

— I am a broken record. Shouting. From the highest hilltop. Just because you think someone is cute when you’re technically not supposed to be dating them does not mean you get to be anything less than nice around them! It’s not cute! And part two, which often goes with part one: rom com dudes have GOT to stop lying or hiding or otherwise avoiding telling people who they really are. It’s a convoluted, passably lazy way of writing and dropping a third-act bomb on the story. Don’t do it. Stop doing it. We’ve moved past the need for hidden identities. Unless he’s, like, a spy or something. Um...this was a weird book. I know Everly had anxiety and that became a PLOT POINT, patent pending, but she was also not super relatable? Which is crazy considering my very real, rather undiagnosed anxiety. Chris was boring. The whole plot, as this title suggests, was very low stakes and no one actually seemed to remember that their jobs were ever on the line? Did Everly and Chris have a conversation before they decided they liked each other? Who can say, really.

Shipped by Angie Hockman

Between taking night classes for her MBA and her demanding day job at a cruise line, marketing manager Henley Evans barely has time for herself, let alone family, friends, or dating. But when she’s shortlisted for the promotion of her dreams, all her sacrifices finally seem worth it. The only problem? Graeme Crawford-Collins, the remote social media manager and the bane of her existence, is also up for the position. Although they’ve never met in person, their epic email battles are the stuff of office legend. Their boss tasks each of them with drafting a proposal on how to boost bookings in the Galápagos—best proposal wins the promotion. There’s just one catch: they have to go on a company cruise to the Galápagos Islands...together. But when the two meet on the ship, Henley is shocked to discover that the real Graeme is nothing like she imagined. As they explore the Islands together, she soon finds the line between loathing and liking thinner than a postcard. With her career dreams in her sights and a growing attraction to the competition, Henley begins questioning her life choices. Because what’s the point of working all the time if you never actually live?

— YOU NEED TO HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH SOMEONE TO DECIDE YOU LIKE THEM. AUTHORS REALLY REALLY NEED TO LEARN HOW TO BUILD ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS. IF THEY ONLY LIKE EACH OTHER BECAUSE THEY KISS WELL IT’S NOT A GOOD RELATIONSHIP. AND THIS IS COMING FROM ME. Back at it again with the annoying so-called heroine who was just...occasionally real mean to Graem for no reason at all? Also her name was Henley. Which is not a great reason to dislike her, but here we are.

Apparently I Read These Books Out Of Order. Who Knew?

Pride, Prejudice and Other Flavors by Sonali Dev

It is a truth universally acknowledged that only in an overachieving Indian American family can a genius daughter be considered a black sheep.

Dr. Trisha Raje is San Francisco’s most acclaimed neurosurgeon. But that’s not enough for the Rajes, her influential immigrant family who’s achieved power by making its own non-negotiable rules:

· Never trust an outsider

· Never do anything to jeopardize your brother’s political aspirations

· And never, ever, defy your family

Trisha is guilty of breaking all three rules. But now she has a chance to redeem herself. So long as she doesn’t repeat old mistakes.

Up-and-coming chef DJ Caine has known people like Trisha before, people who judge him by his rough beginnings and place pedigree above character. He needs the lucrative job the Rajes offer, but he values his pride too much to indulge Trisha’s arrogance. And then he discovers that she’s the only surgeon who can save his sister’s life.

As the two clash, their assumptions crumble like the spun sugar on one of DJ’s stunning desserts. But before a future can be savored there’s a past to be reckoned with...

A family trying to build home in a new land.

A man who has never felt at home anywhere.

And a choice to be made between the two.

— Surprise, apparently this was the first book in the series. I did not know. It didn’t affect my enjoyment of the Persuasion version in this same ‘verse, which is also strange because I liked the Persuasion one way better. There was a lot of medical in this. And not super uplifting medical, either. This was like...oh the Jane character (I guess???) has cancer and either she’s going to go blind after having a surgery (also she was an artist, so you see how this was a problem) or she’s just going to decide to die. Wait, what? That came out of left field, really. Also DJ and Trisha were not nice to each other. Like, I know this is Pride and Prejudice so there has to be some of that at the start, but it wasn’t like Trisha ever really went through the Darcy-required time at Pemberly. She just decided she liked DJ and told him and it was as awkward as Jane Austen intended it, but then we got more medical and everything was cool. It felt very rushed and shoehorned into a modern setting and the Persuasion one was better. You can’t have Darcy’s growth without the Pemberly stuff. You just can’t.

In Which I Didn’t Like a Nickname??? Is the World Ending??

Crazy Stupid Bromance by Lyssa Kay Adams

Alexis Carlisle and her cat café, ToeBeans, have shot to fame after she came forward as a victim of a celebrity chef’s sexual harassment. When a new customer approaches to confide in her, the last thing Alexis expects is for the woman to claim they’re sisters. Unsure what to do, Alexis turns to the only man she trusts—her best friend, Noah Logan. Computer genius Noah left his rebellious teenage hacker past behind to become a computer security expert. Now he only uses his old skills for the right cause. But Noah’s got a secret: He’s madly in love with Alexis. When she asks for his help, he wonders if the timing will ever be right to confess his crush. Noah’s pals in The Bromance Book Club are more than willing to share their beloved “manuals” to help him go from bud to boyfriend. But he must decide if telling the truth is worth risking the best friendship he’s ever had.

— If Noah was going to call her Lexa, then her name should have been Alexa and not Alexis. That’s it and that’s all. Also, the story was n u t s. Estranged dads and kidney failure and they got together so fast in this book. Which usually is cool by me, but I really could not get over the nickname and the estranged family was mean to Alexis. Lexa. HER NAME SHOULD HAVE BEEN ALEXA, IT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. Also Noah was a former hacker? The estranged family accused him corporate espionage or something? A lot happened in this book, guys. Her name should have been Alexa.

Dumb Brother Was Dumb™ Everyone Else Was Real Cute

The Off Limits Rule by Sarah Adams

I have found rock bottom. It's here, moving in with my older brother because I'm too broke to afford to live on my own. It's okay though, because we've always been close and I think I'm going to have fun living with him again.   That is until I meet Cooper...   Turns out, my brother has very strong opinions on the idea of me dating his best friend and is dead set against it. According to him, Cooper is everything I should stay away from: flirtatious, adventurous, non-committal, and freaking hot. (I added that last part because I feel like you need the whole picture.) My brother is right--I should stay away from Cooper James and his pretty blue eyes. He's the opposite of what I need right now.   Nah--who am I kidding? I'm going for it.

— This was cute, mostly mindless fluff. Hit some trope high points, including, obviously, best friends sister. Only the brother in question was a Neanderthal and I really thought people were going to make out more while said brother was on his business trip. I got it for free off Amazon. Which I think should explain a lot. Like, story-wise. Sorry, free Amazon books. Don’t be insulted.

Prose, Prose, Prose, Please Someone Have a Conversation

Trick by Natalia Jaster

In the Kingdom of Spring, Poet is renowned. He's young and pretty, a lover of men and women. He performs for the court, kisses like a scoundrel, and mocks with a silver tongue. Yet allow him this: It's only the most cunning and manipulative soul who can play the fool. For beyond the castle walls, Poet guards a secret. One the Crown would shackle him for. One that he'll risk everything to protect. Alas, it will take more than clever words to deceive Princess Briar. Convinced that he's juggling lies as well as verse, this righteous nuisance of a girl is determined to expose him. But not all falsehoods are fiendish. Poet's secret is delicate, binding the jester and princess in an unlikely alliance—and kindling a breathless attraction, as alluring as it is forbidden.

— The purplest of prose. Mauve prose. Royal purple prose. Lavender prose. There was so much writing here. So much. Too much, some might say. I say. Actually. If we want to get specific. And that was a shame, really, because when Briar and Poet actually had a conversation, they were interesting to read about. Also, the world building here? Yeeeesh. The so-called, wait for it, FOOL TRADE played a prominent role and that was...super cringe. Super Cringe. That being said, I asked Justin what I should read next and he thought it was funny that a book was just called...

Dare by Natalia Jaster

In the Kingdom of Summer, they say she's wild. Locked in a cage by the sea, Flare dreams of escape. She dreams of a lost world, known only in legends. The island is calling to her. And she won't let anyone keep her from it. Especially not him. They say he's cruel. Jeryn has crossed the ocean for the Trade, to bargain for those fierce, imprisoned creatures that make his skin crawl. By law, they're subjects meant for experimentation. And easy to despise. One girl in particular. But on the cusp of transport, the tide rages. That hidden island awaits. Stranded, the prince and prisoner must fight to survive. In a mysterious rainforest, they must band together...if they don't slay one another first. Or become something more to each other. Something just as dangerous.

— This was Justin’s fault. He could not believe this book was just called Dare. It should have been called “We’re going to weirdly force what is basically slavery into this story and then a prince is going to fall in love with an escaped slave and we’re also going to call that ROMANCE.” y i k e s. Remember that one story that took place over three days? This was the complete opposite. Years! They were shipwrecked for years! They got saved, spoilers, the DAY they started having sex. What are the odds, right?? And then MORE YEARS passed. Multiple years! Five years! They couldn’t actually be together because of that aforementioned slave trade. What the shit, man? Natalia, ya gotta be kidding me with this. The internet claimed Trick was good and a solid follow to reading ACOTAR and that there was this whole verse and it was also good. The internet was wrong.

Nothing Happened, Everything Happened, I...Hated It

Graceling by Kristin Cashore

Kristin Cashore’s bestselling, award-winning fantasy Graceling tells the story of the vulnerable-yet-strong Katsa, a smart, beautiful teenager who lives in a world where selected people are given a Grace, a special talent that can be anything from dancing to swimming. Katsa’s is killing. As the king’s niece, she is forced to use her extreme skills as his thug. Along the way, Katsa must learn to decipher the true nature of her Grace… and how to put it to good use. A thrilling, action-packed fantasy adventure (and steamy romance!) that will resonate deeply with adolescents trying to find their way in the world.

— I can’t believe this was a book. Katsa was so annoying! Like, listen, I know her life was sad. And she was a pawn being used against her will. Blah, blah, blah. Whatever. The tone of the whole book was so strangely formal and Poe was strangely in love with Katsa? Who obviously didn’t want to get married because she was WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR. Or kill people, as the case may be. Only she wanted to make out with Poe? Only ONLY they didn’t even really get together at the end? I could not believe the end of this book. I nearly threw my Kindle across the room. Once again, no apologies for spoilers because do not read this book, but HE WAS BLIND? Katsa had to leave him behind to save his cousin and he just ENDED UP BEING BLIND? AND THEY NEVER GOT TOGETHER REALLY?? What the fuck? Seriously. Steamy romance, my ass. Nothing happened. The villain got defeated in point two seconds. There are other books in this universe? No, thanks.

#book recommendations #book rec #fantasy recommendations #book recs #laura reads books #this was longer than i realized it was going to be #documentation of a very weird book month #but we're almost back on track now because i am LOVING a darker shade of magic #welllp these are books

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something-tofightfor · 4 years

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I would truly like to hear one random HC for each of the characters you write for.

It took me a million and a half years to answer this. I don’t THINK I forgot anyone ... aside from John and he doesn’t count because I haven’t really written for him yet (don’t tell him that I’ll never hear the end of it). I also didn’t include Ben because I have about a million HCs for him based on what he posts on the Internet.

PS: ENJOY THE LAST ONE.

Logan:

Here Comes the Sun-iverse: This is probably already kind of known based on Hands to Yourself, but Logan doesn’t like to back down from a bet. He’s stubborn as hell when it comes to finding a way to win and to be right… but when it comes to you, he’s even worse. It’s not because he wants to prove you wrong or anything like that, it’s because he’s so used to being competitive at work that it’s hard for him to leave it at the office. Not that you mind, because most of your bets lead to the two of you having a very enjoyable time together.

Ink: As a surprise for you after you healed completely from your kidnapping and won the court case, Logan flew Asher (and his family) in to LA for a week at Disney … and so that you could have a private session with him. Logan hadn’t thought of something else that he wanted, but was more than happy to invite Asher + the family to his house for the night, and even though most of the session was Asher touching up places that had been marred by the desert sun, you also added a little ink to your sides/near your waist.

Another fun little HC? Every time Asher tattoos you in the future, Logan’s in the room with you … and he takes his turn with the tattoo machine. During the at-home session, Logan tattooed your hip.

Wyoming: The best - and most meaningful - gift that Logan has ever gotten in his life was you agreeing to sell Fireside to him so that he could create the rehab center. Based on the work he’s done with Delos, he was entirely prepared to have you (and your aunt and uncle) say no, or fight with him to increase the offer, winding down the time, so the three of you agreeing with very little hesitation and for the first offer price told him that you didn’t sell for the money - you sold because you believed in him and wanted to be sure that the property would be put to good use. That, in turn made Logan much more focused on ensuring that everything went well.

Tonight: Even after you said that you’d come over the night he called, Logan still expected you to be a no-show. He’d convinced himself that he’d pushed you away for good because he’d treated you so poorly (in his own mind, anyway). So it was a total shock to him to find out that that wasn’t the case… and that you trusted him almost completely. Every time Logan has a bad day, or feels like he’s going to turn back to the way he was, he remembers the way he felt the minute you knocked on his door that night - and everything that came after. Despite the image that he projects, he’s actually very hard on himself every second of every day. Seasons to Cycles: Logan’s biggest dream is to see the Hosts used in a capacity that has nothing to do with pleasure or excess. After getting clean and starting to prove to Jim that he deserves a future with the company, he pulled together a bunch of different people in different fields to discuss the best ways to use Hosts in real-world situations. He knows it would be an uphill battle to convince a large portion of the population to accept the Hosts into everyday life, and doesn’t want to take jobs away from hard-working and deserving people, but he knows that there are a lot of situations where utilizing a Host’s capabilities make more sense than sending a live person in. (They’ve come up with a few, and you’ll see some of those within the story)

Billy:

Steel City: Billy’s desire to go to the beach was real. He’s seen sand in the desert for years, and has of course been to the Shore in Jersey, and to New York beaches … but he’s never been anywhere tropical. He’s never seen the ocean turn from murky gray-blue to crystal clear, and he’s never felt it warm enough to actually spend a ton of time in it. Billy always fantasized about going to a tropical place and picking up the hottest woman he could find at a resort or in a bar, but after everything happened with the Castles? He knows it’s out of the question. (Or is it?)

He’s Not Here: When Billy ended up on the roof on NYE and saw that you were there, too, he stood and watched you for a solid five minutes. You spent those five minutes saying goodbye to him, and he spent them (silently) telling you everything that he couldn’t actually tell you. He wanted you to turn around - and if you would have? He would have told you everything, and figured out a way to get you somewhere that Rawlins couldn’t find you, even though he knew you wouldn’t have wanted to leave his side. Billy never once questioned that you’d actually loved him while you were together - which is what made keeping everything from you so hard, even though he knew it was necessary.

Ryan Brenner:

Neon Lights / Just A Place: When Ryan was barely 20, he and Cowboy and Ginny were spending a couple nights with friends in California. Since he wasn’t a big drinker, and there were a couple of joints being passed around along with a bottle of cheap whiskey, Ryan overdid it. He woke up to a buzzing noise … and Ginny standing over him with a pair of hair clippers in her hand. Needless to say, she’d started in a place that they couldn’t hide … and so, still half buzzed, Ryan went into the bathroom of the apartment they were in and finished the job.

From California, they headed back into the west/midwest … where it was chilly, and that’s where the hat came from, courtesy of Ginny, because she felt bad. It started out as a legitimate way to keep his head warm while his hair grew back, but Ryan grew attached to it throughout the years, refusing to retire it even when it got old and tattered.

Sam Adams:

Mr. and Mrs. Adams: Sam likes to tell stories. But the thing is… none of the stories are ever exactly the same, even when he’s telling it for the hundredth time. The main details are always the same, but there are tiny embellishments scattered throughout … usually downplaying the significance instead of making things seem more urgent than they were. And when you get Paul involved? Or John Hancock? Or Kelly? You know you’re in for it. They mean well, but those men love to talk. It’s a problem, but it definitely keeps things interesting.

King Caspian:

His Favorite Place: Caspian’s map reading skills when he’s on the Dawn Treader are amazingly accurate, but he’s much less accurate when on land. It’s never gotten him into trouble, but it frustrates him, because he doesn’t feel that there should be a difference. He knows how to read the maps, but for whatever reason, open sea and sky are much easier to decipher than forests and trails and towns. He has a a hand in planning the route of every voyage on the ship, but when land travel is required, he relies on others to make the plans.

Benjamin Greene:

Tipping Point: Benjamin’s favorite part of Julia’s house was the library, but what he loved even more than that was the quiet. Since they were so far out and away from town, he’d often sit outside on the back patio in the mornings and afternoons, reading or studying, or just listening to music.

But as time passed, the silence became oppressive, reminding Benjamin just how far away from everything that he knew and loved he was - how much of his life he’d changed for Julia, and he spent less time outdoors and more time inside, headphones in and a book held between his fingers. Moving back to London to live with Zac/Bianca/Eric wasn’t as hard a transition as he’d thought it would be, and Benjamin actually slept with his window open a crack so that he could hear the traffic again.

Bonus character who will not be named but is going to feature in a coming story:

His friends would describe him as volatile, but it’s not always his fault. He’s got a sixth sense about the emotions of others, and can sometimes feel changes in people’s moods. So while he doesn’t always go looking for a fight, he won’t back down from one. Bar fights are normal, and even though he’s usually the one that ends up putting an end to them, he always gets in at least one or two good hits before it happens. Seeing him, you’d be surprised by his strength, but it doesn’t take long for you to understand that it’s there … and that you shouldn’t doubt it. These senses have definitely come in handy throughout his life, but they’ve also likely put him into danger… and will continue to do so.

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the-starsabove-you · 4 years

Text

The Spotlight

A/N: I’m back! After a break, I’m back to writing! Kinda needed it but I’m super excited to be back and writing! I’m redoing a series and I’m still working on this series! I also planning some one shots, but overall am ready to be back and write! I hope you enjoy!

Chapter 34 - Love Me Harder.

Jumping off a bridge was pretty fun and Mat had tons of fun with bungee jumping with Michelle. It was truly one of the best birthday presents he had. To have such a fun time with Michelle and look at the scenery in front of him, the beautiful fields and a few cottages around and the skies were clear. After an hour of bungee jumping, Michelle held his hand and led him back to their hotel, ignoring the multiple taking their pictures and since the hotel had guards nearby, they tried to shield the young couple from the many people forming. After getting into the lobby and soon their private elevator, Michelle let out a sigh as she looked over at the paparazzi snapping pictures of them as the door was closing and Mat took her hand and squeezed it and she looked back at him “I’m sorry, seems like everywhere I go, they’re always around. I just wanted to make sure you had a good birthday” She muttered and Mat lifted her chin with his finger and he leaned forward to kiss her and she melted into the kiss. Mat broke the kiss as he leaned his forehead on hers and chuckled “What man can say they had the love of their life throw them off a bridge after blindfolding them for an hour” Michelle shrugged “I didn’t want to settle for something simple and I know you’ve been wanting to do something crazy for a bit and I thought this would be fun instead of doing something like golfing.” Mat raised his eyebrow in amusement “You don’t like watching me golf?” He teased and she narrowed her eyes playfully at him “It’s sexy watching you play golf, that’s why I really only join when you ask” Mat pretended to be offended “So I’m just eye-candy for you?” He said and she laughed “Don’t worry, I enjoy you having a good time too” Once the doors opened, Mat’s eyes widened at the scene, how the living kitchen and dining room around of the penthouse had candles surrounding and Michelle grinned “I know you claimed you just wanted to stay inside for your birthday, so over in the kitchen is a private chef cooking us dinner and we’re having dinner near the balcony” She said and Mat was in shock as he smiled and shook his head “You really have surprised me today babe” He muttered before she grinned and nudged him “Go get ready for dinner, I’m gonna make sure everything is good for dinner” Mat grinned as he leaned forward and kissed her temple before going to the bedroom to shower and later on get dressed, dressing in slacks and a dress shirt. Michelle had grabbed a dress in the bedroom while Mat was in the bathroom and went to one of the extra bedrooms and changed and did her hair from there. She quickly rushed out and made sure the lights were dimmed enough and the chief got dinner done, Mat’s favorites before he made a birthday cake. Michelle put her heels on and looked at herself in the mirror as she admired herself in a dark navy dress and her hair was curled on the bottom. She made her way to the table and poured the wine in the glasses, she asked Tito which wine would be good for Mat’s birthday and Tito literally ordered one of the best wines he could think of for Italy and shipped it to her room.. The perks of having your best friend’s boyfriend being a huge fan of wine. Michelle heard the water stop from the shower and she looked back and saw that the chief was done frosting the cake and decorating, she grinned in happiness as the chief was finally finished and he was grabbing his jacket and stuff getting ready to leave and she looked over at the dinner and the cake and she sighed in relief that it got done in time, she was gonna leave a very good tip for him.

Michelle was in the kitchen when she heard Mat calling “Babe? Where are you?” He asked and she called “In the kitchen! Sit down and I’ll be there” She called back and she heard Mat pulling out the seat and she waited a couple of moments before taking the dishes of spaghetti carbonara and walking out of the kitchen and towards him and Mat had the biggest smile on his face “My favorite” Mat said with a huge smile on his face and she chuckled as she placed the plate in front of him and put her plate down “I know it’s your go-to when we go out” She said and he smiled, happy that she noticed the little things and it made him happy that she did all of this.. The trip to Italy, the bungee jumping and now this.. It meant the world to him. Mat hummed as he took a spite of the spaghetti carbonara “It tastes like heaven” He muttered and she chuckled and took a bite “Hired one of best chefs in Italy, had to make sure that you got the best for today” Mat watched Michelle for a second before he spoke “Do you get used to this..?” He asked and she looked up from eating and she raised her eyebrow and looked confused “Huh?” She said and Mat looked outside the huge window of the Italy nightlife before looking at her “Living this celebrity life.. People following you around with cameras, going to gig after gig, reading weird stories about you on the internet.. That stuff” He asked. Michelle opened her mouth for a second for a moment before closing it, thinking about the question and she shrugged in the end “I’ve been given this amazing opportunity, to travel the world and meet so many people.. I love doing my job.. Its just sometimes..”

Mat waited for her answer and she chuckled and shook her head “I would love for just one day that I could walk through the streets with no one chasing me, that I don’t have to live up to any standards that Marie or anyone else makes for me.. That I can just sit somewhere publicly and I won’t stand out to anyone” She said and Mat watched her and he nodded “I sometimes wish that too, that I don’t have to be Mathew Barzal, the hockey player.. I can just be Mat Barzal, a regular guy” “Well I love both Mathew Barzal and Mat Barzal, both of you have been an important part of my life and I’m so madly in love with you, if don’t know by now” She laughed and he laughed along with her and she got quiet and shook her head “I’m sorry that I dragged you into this lifestyle, you probably wanted to keep your life as private as possible but it’s not really possible with me..” She said and Mat shook his head “I’ve gotten used to it, I know I won’t have a normal life with you.. It’s kinda a crazy lifestyle but it’s worth it because I have you in the end, but I wanna ask one thing” He said and she looked over at him and he smiled, blushing a bit “If we ever got married and had kids, would you take a break from being a model?” He asked and her mouth dropped open as she was very shocked and caught off guard.. Mat and Michelle never discussed marriage or kids, they were still very young and both of them were still in the prime of their careers. But Michelle did dream of having children and getting married, she wanted to be a better parent than her father and have a happier marriage than her parents ever had.. She wanted to have her own life. Michelle smiled softly as her eyes softened “Do you see yourself marrying me?” She asked and he looked at her for a moment and he smiled “I actually do, I know we’re young and we still have a lot of things to do, but I see myself settling down with you” He said and she smiled at that and she reached out and took his hand and squeezed it “Then yes, I would take a very long break if we had kids” She said and he smiled and squeezed her hand “Of course and when you were ready.. We would figure out what to do from there” Michelle smiled at that and she shook her head “God.. We need to find a house, if you sign with the Isles long term, then we can build a house.. Or buy one. I could care less” Mat chuckled and shook his head “We’ll think of a long term house when we get there.. I know Marie would prefer you to stay in New York but if I sign somewhere else or get traded.. Would you come with me?” Michelle looked at Mat and smiled “Where you go, I go.. I’ll always be with you, I promise” Mat smiled at that answer, it was the one he was expecting. The two having this conversation about what the future held for them, it was refreshing and Mat was glad that they were both agreeing with everything and he poured themselves another glass of wine before looking at her “Speaking of houses, Marie’s real estate agent called and she found another place that’s a good place.. It’s an hour from the city and half an hour away from Nassau Coliseum. I think this may be the one” Michelle grinned at that, both Mat and Michelle had bickered about where they would move too.. Of course they both agreed that Michelle would keep her apartment too in case one of them needed to stay in the city for something but would spend most of their time at the house. “Alright, we’ll make a date to go see the house and we’ll see if it’s the one” Mat raised a glass and she raised it too and Mat was grinning “Oh god I cannot wait to see what you have in store for later” Michelle grinned “It involves whipped cream if it helps” She said and Mat chuckled “I thought I would excited for the cake but I think I’m more excited for what’s coming after” Suddenly Mat stood up and went towards her and he took her hand and was leading her to the bedroom and Michelle looked back “What about the cake?” She asked “We’ll eat it after we’re done”

#mat barzal #mathew barzal #mathew barzal imagine #mat barzal imagine #nhl #nhl fanfiction #nhl imagines #nhl imagine #hockey #hockey imagines #hockey imagine

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danni-dollarsign · 4 years

Text

A Critical Look at “Pokemon: Sword and Shield” From a Casual’s Perspective...

A/N: Hey! if you’re reading this, then thank you! I don’t know why, but I thought to myself, “Hey, wouldn’t it be cool to write a pointless essay about a Pokemon game?” And then I realized today was the 1YR anniversary of SWSH, so I figured I might as well just do it! So even though I’m late and probably nobody will really care to read all this nonsense, I wrote it! If you’re interested in all the analyses of PKMN SWSH, but aren’t too invested in the technical mumbo-jumbo used by the more hardcore fans, then maybe you’ll enjoy this.

Also, it’s worth mentioning that I’m literally just some rando on the internet saying my opinion. None of this should really be taken SUPER seriously - it’s mainly designed to provoke thought rather than try to argue any specific idea. So if I say something that you don’t agree with, you got two options: 1) Draft a constructive comment or DM to me and we can discuss calmly like adults, 2) shake your idea and ignore this. There’s really no need to get heated up over a video game essay, of all things, so let’s not do that lol.

But other than that, yeah! If you’re interested in more stuff like this from me (in-depth analyses of Pokemon games from the perspective of a low-key casual), lemme know! I’d love to chat with anyone about this awesome series.

So, without any further ado, let’s get into the essay (warning: it’s like ~8k words).

Introduction...

Welcome to the wonderful world of Pokemon! Love it or hate it, Pokemon has had a huge impact on popular culture in countless countries in a number of different ways, sparking memes, dreams, and happiness everywhere! It holds a very special place in my heart - Pokemon was a game that I got to share with my two older siblings, was one of the first fandoms I got into, and was a big reason as to why I grew to love creative writing so much after writing a couple fanfictions for the games. I’ve been playing Pokemon ever since my brother gave me a copy of Pokemon: Ruby and have been a devoted fan ever since. While I may not be super into the strategy and damn near mathematical aspects of gameplay, I’d like to consider myself a relatively knowledgeable fan with enough extra knowledge to give a look at one of these games from a casual, yet analytical view. So what game other than the newest title, Pokemon: Sword and Shield, with its release anniversary being today? In this casual online essay, I hope to describe all my thoughts of Sword and Shield (which I’ll shorten down to just “SWSH”) from the perspective of the everyday Pokemon fan.

General Gameplay...

Many top-title games of Nintendo are best known for their simplicity: in Super Mario Bros, you’re a mustachioed red guy jumping on monsters to try and save some random princess (who may or may not be in this castle); in The Legend of Zelda, you’re a green elf-looking guy slashing wildly at monsters with a sword given to you by some old guy in hopes of defeating some ultimate bad guy; and in Pokemon, you’re a child wandering around the region catching monsters who also accidentally saves the world before becoming the very best (like no-one ever was). And while the games themselves have grown from that initial stylistic simplicity, some have lost that creative in-depthness in favor of being playable for children. This is probably the biggest issue with the newer Pokemon games as of late.

Regardless, let’s look into the playability of SWSH.

It’s played like your regular Pokemon game; you’re a kid who journeys to become the Champion of Pokemon Battling with your friend, catching monsters known as “Pokemon” with pocket-sized balls dubbed “Pokeballs.” But I’m sure you’re all aware of that information, and are instead asking “Well, what’s the deeper plot?” Yeah, no, that’s it. You’re a kid catching Pokemon to become champion - oh, and you also accidentally save the world from a power-hungry businessman - but that’s neither here nor there.

Plot aside, the game is a bit barebones. It’s pretty linear gameplay (literally linear - the map of the Galar region is almost exactly a straight-line waltz from Postwick to Wyndon, which is a bit weird after dealing with the giant, sprawling maps of earlier generations) where you travel from place to place, beating gyms and catching ‘mons, before getting into a couple scuffles and becoming champion. For an RPG-styled game, it comes off as much too simplistic for older fans (I’d even reason that it’s too simplistic for younger players, as well). While I will say, I don’t exactly miss the days of hopelessly wandering around a pixel city, trying desperately to figure out how to move on to the next town because the answer to the puzzle is hidden in this giant area that my little peanut-brain couldn’t figure out at the time. But it is a bit demeaning to get “Hey, do you know where to go?” and “Hey, follow me so you don’t get lost!” and “Oh, yeah, want another tutorial on how to easily catch Pokemon for the fourth time in a row?” every two seconds in a city where there’s only two places to check out.

But we can’t really discuss the gameplay of Pokemon without discussing the highlights of the region. Ever since the transition from 2D to 3D, Pokemon games have begun a trend of gimmicks - which I like to call “battle enhancers” - that they use to add uniqueness to their games. X&Y had Mega Evolution, Sun and Moon (and USUM) had Z-Moves, and now we have Dynamax! As we all know, battle enhancers are the strategy by which the player uses some extraterrestrial/magic stone to physically enhance one pokemon at a time for a certain period of time - in the case of Dynamax, the pokemon either grows in size or changes in form, gaining the ability to use special type-based attacks for a duration of three turns.

Honestly, I think it’s a pretty fun mechanic! Dynamax combines the good components of both Z-Moves and Mega Evolution - new forms, awesome moves, and a ticking clock. It adds a bit more strategy to the battle enhancer, where the player actually has to plan out who and when to Dynamax (though it’s really not that hard - most everyone will save it for their ace or the pokemon with the type advantage at the very end of the battle, because that’s what you do). But it’s fun and creative, making the battle a bit more exciting when you see your beloved ace become gargantuan on a field while the audience chants in excitement. Initially, I was skeptical of the battle enhancer, but once I threw myself into the game and really got into it, I felt it was fun and cool for the region. My feelings were further improved when I learned that Dynamax was inspired by the idea that the Nintendo Switch had the potential to be played on the TV as well as in a hand-held mode. The idea of turning pokemon “big” on a “big-screen” is really just so cute to me, really. Overall, it’s a fitting concept that is paired well to the game when everything is considered.

But when you look beyond the Dynamx experience to find more content in the game… there’s really not much else. Many people (including me) were ecstatic to hear about the free-roam areas in SWSH - the Wild Areas. Here, you can do all the fun grinding stuff that makes Pokemon games a bit more challenging and fun - hatching eggs, shiny-hunting, running around in circles, Dynamax dens, etc. But when looking at other Pokemon games, that’s really it. Let’s examine Pokemon: Sun and Moon, for example. This game really shines not just for its refreshing setting and compelling plot-line, but also for it’s amount of cute and quirky mini-games to be enjoyed for a good while outside of the main story. Pyukumuku Chucking, Mantine Surfing, the Alolan Photo Club, Ultra Warp Ride Travel - a good handful of mini-games that appeal to different kinds of people! All of these mini-games aren’t just tossed in there, either - they have a fitting place in the culture of the world and add to it, rather than just reiterating it. But when you look for mini-games in SWSH, you won’t really find anything aside from just battling. Sure, there’s the Battle Tower, as well, but I’ll personally say that I’ve never been a fan of the concept of post-game NPC battle buildings. For a hardcore player, they might be fun, but as a casual who can’t devote the time to really dig into understanding how IVs and competitive breeding works, they’re really no fun. Not to mention that nothing is really being added or developed with these battle buildings; they don’t add to lore, they don’t add to the culture of the region, you don’t even really gain anything from it - they’re pretty much just places to battle the occasional familiar face and that’s it. While I’m sure plenty of people adore these facilities in the games, I’ve never been too partial to them (I’d even prefer those god-forsaken casinos over another goddamn battle frontier).

But my biggest problem lies with the release of the DLC. While I’m not against the idea of DLC in general, both The Isle of Armour and The Crown Tundra left a bitter taste in my mouth when I started thinking about the issue of playability in SWSH.

I have always been more invested in the storyline of Pokemon games rather than the battling aspects. Usually I’ve always just gotten through the main story, then wandered around to find extra post-game content or mini-games, and then moved on to other games. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing - I just figure that the games have served their purpose for me upon completion, so rather than bore myself wandering around and doing things that don’t interest me, I go find another game that has more story-based content. That being said, I finished SWSH in less time than any other Pokemon game (I’d say somewhere around twenty hours, complete with me running around in circles like an idiot before rushing through content intermittently); as a result, I was no longer actively playing the game by the time the DLC was announced.

I’ll be honest and say that when I learned about all that was being offered in both sets of DLC, I felt a bit betrayed. I’m well-aware that Nintendo is a corporate business, and therefore will always prioritize financial gain over their fans’ lasting enjoyment of their titles - that’s just a fact of life. But I couldn’t help but feel like I paid a bunch of money for the bundled titles, only to play a game that hardly could be considered worthwhile or satisfying without added headcanons or fan-works, and then get told that extra content is available that may or may not add satisfaction to the experience that’s already long since ended for me. It was just a bit disappointing - and I’m not talking about the whole “Dexit” deal (I actually was on-board with the idea of having no real National Dex - I felt it added realism to the games and would force players to get to know the new Pokemon instead of just choosing the same team they always have since Gen 1 or whatever). My gripe is that I paid for a whole game, wasn’t satisfied with the result, only to hear later that the content that I might have been missing is available to pay for? That’s incredibly annoying. Not to mention that I was further disappointed after learning about the contents of the DLC, but we’ll get into that later.

Overall, the playability of SWSH is very basic, but can be enjoyable if you suspend belief and just enjoy it for what it is. When it comes to storyline, it’s not much of a game, and doesn’t sport much post-game content besides battling.

Immersion and Ambience...

Many of my friends can attest that I tend to like silly, fantastical concepts because I personally love to throw myself into the universe being offered to me. Pokemon is really no different - the games have always sported a very immersive experience for me thanks to the combination of interesting regions and evocative music (especially the music).

I think that most every Pokemon fan has a specific region, city, and music theme that sparks a plethora of nostalgic emotions to the point of near tears. For me, that’s always been Pokemon: Platinum, the Twinleaf Town theme - just staring into the rippling reflection of the pond by the player’s home, listening to that beautiful synth clarinet playing that nostalgic melody - it makes my heart beat with so much fervent passion that I hardly have the words to describe it! And I think that sense of nostalgia - regardless of whether or not those memories are old or new - has always been a strong-suit for Pokemon games. They always have the ability to inspire such deep emotions in me and other alike in a variety of ways, further adding to the ability to immerse us into the game’s world. And whether your favorite area is as simple as Twinleaf Town in the Sinnoh region, or as agonizing as Rock Tunnel in Kanto, it’s the spirit of certain cities/towns/routes that further add to the immersion of the world in question. But how well does SWSH hold those values? Spoiler Alert: Not very well.

SWSH, in the end, is still a Pokemon game - so the setting is very vibrant and colorful and everything that can hold my attention for long periods of time. But the problem arises when one begins to progress through the game and continuously forgets what’s where and where’s what. A lot of the map is painfully basic (again, due to the literal linear nature of the Galar region) and the cities themselves kind of lack their own real originality. There was an attempt at unique cities that’s become iconic of the Pokemon franchise, but it doesn’t really stick. I think most people would agree with me that the only real memorable areas in the main game were Slumbering Weald, Ballonlea, and Spikemuth, and each of these areas have their own set of problems that also make them a bit difficult to fully enjoy. At their core, most all Galarian cities have the same basic set-up: basic green plants (if plants are in that area at all), the same brick roads that lead either to the gym or to a route leading in/out of city to another city, and a giant gym/key building in the center of it all. And that’s really about it. No real interesting buildings except for gyms and Rose Tower (and I guess technically the hotels), no extraneous locations that aren’t directly related to the plot or to gimmicks - it’s very bare-bones and really can take you out of the experience.

In a hard contrast, I’ll give the example of Generation 1’s region set up - every city has its own personality that also matches the feel of the region as a whole. Every city is based on colors, and each city is themed after that, respectively (i.e. Vermillion City, the city of sunsets themed around the color orange, is home to the Pokemon Fan Club and the kick-ass electric-type gym that initiates feelings of excitement; Lavender Town, the noble town themed around the color purple, is home to the Pokemon Tower and spooky spirits that inspire feelings of somberness and reticence). Obviously, this isn’t very realistic, but the trick isn’t to replicate reality - it is to inspire reality. The Kanto region is incredibly creative, and therefore is easy to immerse oneself into the world because it’s become a world we are actively interested in. We know that it could never truly be real or plausible, but that hardly matters when we are so enthralled with the colors and set-up and feeling of the towns. We don’t really get much of that in Galar. It probably isn’t such a great idea for your final city - being Wyndon - to feel blank and lifeless when compared to minor cities in the region. And even when we find cities that hold that uniqueness we desire like in Spikemuth or Ballonlea, there’s really no other reason to be there longer than just beating the gym. It’s sad, really. Spikemuth is such a interesting, creative-looking town home to such cool characters, and yet there literally is only one path to get in and out of the town - the town isn’t even given small houses to investigate like literally every other city in the region. It’s a waste of potential! The fact that I can’t investigate such a promising setting that inspires me really takes me out of the world, reminding me that this is just a video game in which you move from Point A to Point B. It’s no longer a fantasy world for me to explore, but instead a line at the DMV to get my Drivers’ License. The only real good thing about this is that fanfiction writers get so much free-reign when it comes to writing about the city - the only thing we really learn about the city is that it’s underfunded and gloomy and that’s literally it. I would have really liked to see more inspired cities around the region where things outside of the main plot can be done, but hopefully this is just a problem we’ll see in this region.

Probably the most important aspect of immersion (in my opinion) is the music. With the potential to make or break a game for me, I hold a lot of expectations on the music found in video games (I’ve been classically trained in music since elementary school, and have always had a fondness for video game music). Pokemon music has always been some of the most inspiring pieces of art in my life - whether it be the kickass battle suite of Champion Cynthia, or the somber piano melody of Emma’s Theme, the music of Pokemon has always been the first thing I notice and analyze whenever playing the latest title. That all being said, I have quite a few notes to make in regards to the soundtrack of SWSH.

I’ll start with the pros, first. Generally, every main title has had its own feel when it comes to the soundtrack - DPP was jazzy and smooth, Sun and Moon was based on popular Hawaiian music meshed together with classic Pokemon synths, RSE was all about the horn section (trombones and french horns all the way!). SWSH, at the end of the day, isn’t much different. The region is inspired by the UK, so it’s no surprise to discover that the soundtrack was inspired by popular British Rock. As a result, a lot of themes went really hard, keeping a hint of individuality even when some battle themes hosted similar instruments. The biggest appeal of the soundtrack, I believe, was found in the little moments, namely the cheers of the gym battle themes. I think it’s safe to say that most people get super hyped when they hear those rhythmical chants coming to life whenever in the final leg of the battle, right when you begin to Dynamax. That’s amazingly exciting, never failing to suck me into that exact moment to gather the power of God and anime to defeat my opponent. While I wasn’t totally rocking out to every single song that came on, I was pretty satisfied with the music of SWSH, overall. It’s not too bad, and hosts a few bops that I still seek out to get my blood pumping.

But, as to be expected, there are plenty of cons when it comes to the soundtrack of SWSH. I could go over this for hours and hours, detailing complex definitions of music theory and basic song comprehension, but I’ll just make this nice and simple: it was really bland.

Note that I said “bland” and not “bad” - the music is fine in my opinion, I just wasn’t feeling the same feelings as I had in previous Pokemon titles. It all felt like Pokemon music, but not much else. It was like remembering hints of a memory long-lost, but you don’t really care about to dig deep into your mind for context. Towns had music, routes had music, pokemon and characters had battle themes, yada yada yada, nothing really to write home about. If I had to pick a song that honestly, truly invoked emotions beyond “Oh it’s battle time, now”, it would have to be the Battle Tower Theme, and that’s most likely because it was written by someone else entirely (Toby Fox, also known as the creator of Undertale and composer of super hard-hitting jams). And the worst part is that I never would have even been able to hear the Battle Tower theme because I hate battle buildings (which is more of a personal problem, I know, but still). Honestly, I would have preferred hearing that theme as compared to Champion Leon’s battle theme - I feel like his champion theme was very bland and lifeless, simply holding all the required elements of a Pokemon battle theme just because that’s what has to happen. It’s uninspired, faceless, and corporate, only to be completely foiled by the unique blast of energy found in the Battle Theme, which just screams “Prove that you’re the best!” over and over to me (also known as a big theme in the Pokemon games, especially in SWSH).

That’s not to say that every other theme in the game was terrible. I much enjoyed Marnie and Piers’ battle themes, but for a different reason. As we know, Piers and Marnie host a more “punk rock” style when compared to literally everyone else in-game, a trademark of Spikemuth citizens. With their occasionally cold and prickly (no pun intended) personalities, their themes go a bit harder into rock-land as compared to characters like Hop or Bede. There’s no conflict of style there - it’s “punk” with “rock”, loads of guitars and bass with a hint of synths to keep that Pokemon flare, and fits a bit better in the setting of the world. Mild conflict arises when we start looking at characters who aren’t rockstars or idols - let’s look at Bede’s theme, for example. While it really isn’t a bad theme (it’s actually, dare I say, a bop), I wouldn’t exactly say that the resulting pieces fit neatly together like they do for the Spikemuth duo. Bede’s theme requires a lot of synths to accentuate his more flamboyant and immature personality, but also holds ties with the rock guitars while also trying so desperately hard to sound like a Pokemon song. Now, I don’t think “Pop Synth Rock” is anything bad, per se; I just feel like the added rock elements didn’t do much to add to the musical representation of our cliche jerk-face “rival”. It feels like the rock elements were an after-thought rather than a planned layer of musicality. I could really say the same thing about Hop’s theme, but then I would have to re-listen to Hop’s theme because I always forget what it sounds like even after listening to it a second before.

A big problem is that not many of these themes hold lastingly memorable motifs/melodies, which is a personal pet-peeve of mine in games where the music is highly esteemed. In pretty much every battle theme (except the generic pokemon encounter theme, which is the same melody in every Pokemon game, only with variations added to fit the music theme of the region) is just an on-going strip of notes that sound nice when playing the game, but if you tried to pick out the specific melody-line of that character, it’s a bit of work to really find anything. Let’s look at a more concrete example: Lusamine’s battle theme from Pokemon: Sun and Moon is up on my list of most memorable battle themes, and will do well without the extra influence of young me’s nostalgia seeping in like it would with earlier generations’ battle themes. Lusamine, as we know, was the elite antagonist of the game, being the leader of this esteemed Pokemon protection group who later is revealed to be using Pokemon for her own demented goals of perfection. Almost immediately, the player hears the signature accents of the harpsichord playing the prime motif before the piece digs into a full orchestration. It doesn’t sacrifice anything for the sake of “sounding like a Pokemon song”, nor does it sacrifice anything for the sake of keeping with the musical inspiration. Instead, it focuses on being exactly what it needs to be - a musical representation of Lusamine, hosting orchestra-based instruments (piano, violas and cellos, horns, violins, light pad synths, etc…). Most anyone can pick out a handful of memorable motifs from her theme (the main horns melody line, the harpsichord melody line, the mid-section cello and piano melody line, etc…), and those remain in our unconscious. So, it’s no surprise that when she becomes the “Mother Beast” later on, when the player hears hints of those signature melody lines becoming distorted in the madness of the new battle theme, it invokes a particular emotion that fits elegantly with the subject matter of the plot right then. In short, it’s musical storytelling done right. In SWSH, we don’t have that extra omph of emotionally-nostalgic motifs; instead, we just get songs that play in the background of this video game, and that’s really it. If you don’t like the song, good news - you’ll probably only hear it once or twice, depending on who the NPC is. If you do, then you’re out of luck for the very same reasons. This game lacks a very basic hint of soul to its soundtrack, which is really such a jarring idea especially when you realize that they paired up with a composer who arguably has mastered the idea of musical motifs (Fox).

This really isn’t just SWSH’s problem, either. I also went through a similar heartbreak in S&M during the final stretch of the main game; after battling Lusamine and saving the region from the threat of Ultra Beasts (more or less, anyway), we the player go to challenge the champion, who is revealed to be Profession Kukui since there really is no true champion for the newly-made league. It’s hard to go from an exciting, powerful battle theme like Lusamine’s to some generic, cardboard-cut-out version of a champion battle theme for Kukui. It’s hard to invoke any sort of emotional appeal when there’s no real inspiration to be felt in the music; with no emotional connection, there is no emotion. It’s, once again, just music that plays in the background of a video game. A similar experience happens in SWSH with the player’s match against Champion Leon; though we have the potential to gain an emotional connection to a Leon Theme motif, we don’t get that. Instead, we just get music that is programmed to be exciting for our championship match that will undoubtedly change our lives forever. Bland, boring, anti-climatic - all for the sake of coloring in the lines. This has been an on-going problem in Pokemon games for years in which the Championship Battle Theme is less interesting than the Evil Team Battle Theme, which probably isn’t a good idea. It’s annoying when your villain has a better theme than the literal strongest trainer in the region - it ruins the chances of likability for the region’s “good guys” and overall is anti-climatic when it is finally time to become champion.

Overall, the ability to immerse someone like me in a game is very important when it comes to retaining players. While SWSH isn’t the worst Pokemon game when it comes to immersion (considering the fact that I actually beat the main game, which I can’t say for other main Pokemon titles…), Game Freak certainly could stand to learn from the game’s shortcomings.

Creature and Character Design...

The monster design is arguably one of the most controversial topics when it comes to any Pokemon game. Some people only care about the designs of Gen 1, others accept everything but Gen 5, and a select few could rant for hours on the stupidity of literally every Pokemon design in the franchise. Regardless, the design of the Pokemon native to the Galar region is an important topic of discussion when analysing the potential for enjoyment of the game. After all, I’m an artist who loves drawing all my favorite characters as well as my favorite Pokemon, so understanding the designs of these beloved figures is vital to understanding the game in general. For sanity’s sake, I’ll only be discussing new Pokemon introduced in this region, and will be ignoring all previous pokemon that aren’t regional variants.

Overall, the designs of the latest Pokemon are satisfactory. Because of my tendency to always suspend belief in fantasy works, I’ve very rarely had much to hate about Pokemon designs (not even in Gen 5, though I don’t particularly like any of them aside from the game cover legendaries). SWSH didn’t really bring much to the table when it comes to brand-new Pokemon, but the ones introduced are fitting and interesting: the Dragapult line, all three starters (even if I did laugh for literal hours at the discovery of Cinderace’s typing), Wooloo and Dubwool, Yamper and Boltund - just to name my top favorites. And I was totally invested in the designs of the game cover legendaries, Zamazenta and Zacian, since they held cultural relations with the region’s inspiration and therefore had actual meaning within the game besides just being cool mythical creatures. Nothing really outright bothered me with the designs or pokemon choices in this game; as I mentioned earlier, I was okay with the idea of no National Dex for this region, and that all the pokemon allowed in this game matched with the region well-enough.

But, of course, it’s not without faults. I found there to be a substantial lack of original legendaries in this game - we only have three real legendaries to catch in the main-game, four if you consider the DLC. We had a similar problem in Pokemon: Sun and Moon, but it was later amended with the introduction of Ultra Beasts (which can technically be regarded as legendary Pokemon, albeit from another dimension and not technically Pokemon). In SWSH, we are only given the option of catching more than two legendaries if we buy the DLC - this is remarkably disappointing for those who are interested in seeing new, unique Pokemon designs. I know many fans are constantly frustrated with Game Freak’s tendency to overuse Gen 1 Pokemon, but the fact that nobody is bothered by the running trend of being able to easily catch a bunch of previous games’ legendaries is beyond me. It’s essentially the same thing, overly relying on the fanbase’s sentimental nostalgia rather than moving forward to create new creature designs. I know for a fact that so many people would have been excited to catch Pokemon with cultural significance (maybe like elf Pokemon that resemble that of Seelie/Unseelie fairies, or more Pokemon that resemble chess pieces, or maybe more Pokemon that follow a theme of medieval artifacts - there are many possibilities), so the fact that they skimped out in favor of making people pay for nostalgia is ridiculous to me. This was a majority of the reason why I rejected buy any of the DLC content - why would I pay for Pokemon I’ve technically caught before? I mean, I guess it can be more for the kids who have never encountered the older legendaries, but then again, wouldn’t it be more beneficial for your game to have Pokemon that actually represent the new region? Instead of just stealing other games’ legendaries for the sake of saying that you have them, they could have just worked a little harder to design maybe three or six more cool legendary designs and centered those guys around the two DLC locations instead of just having Calyrex for The Crown Tundra. At the end of the day, it’s really just a cash-grab; the only reason I could ever see myself understandably buying the DLC for SWSH would be because I wanted to interact more with my favorite NPCs, but then again, I can just look at screenshots on Twitter and feel just as satisfied.

But not all is lost in terms of designs. Now let’s get into my favorite design portion of this segment and discuss the NPCs.

First, we’ll dig into the rivals. Personally, I really enjoyed the rivals of this game; while Pokemon is definitely running on a formula, I still was able to find enough about the three rival characters to genuinely enjoy their presence whenever they came on screen. I suppose we can expect to keep seeing this new Pokemon Trainer Rival Formula: Kind of Annoying but Too Sweet to Hate BFF Rival (Hop), 2 Edgy 5 U Rival (Bede), and Some Pedo’s Waifu Material Rival (Marnie).

Hop is arguably one of my favorite Pokemon rivals of all time (right up there with Gladion from S&M). He’s one of the only Pokemon characters to get a realistic character development over the course of the game’s playable story, which really humanizes him and makes up for his occasionally annoying personality. Over the course of the game, Hop goes from silently residing in his brother’s shadow to learning to stand on his own without needed any outside validation; much to my surprise, it’s not some half-hearted transition. Hop doubts himself during the challenge, as evidenced not just by his dialogue but in the way he actively changes his team to try and be more competitive like everybody else. I remember feeling so heartbroken in realization that Hop stopped using his beloved Wooloo, which is rightfully paired up with the excitable boy. The idea that Hop uses Wooloo, a normal-type cute Pokemon that generally wouldn’t be used in a competitive team, really adds more dimension to his character; when he learns to enjoy himself instead of letting his doubts overtake him, he returns to using Dubwool and his favorite team, demonstrating how he would prefer to have fun as himself than be someone he isn’t. I found that to be a really wholesome theme to his character, one that we haven’t really seen in a Pokemon game yet - it was a pleasant surprise! Hop is sweet and kind, always wanting to motivate the player even when he’s in his own internal turmoil. With all that added with his adorable babyface and goofy/awkward preteen disposition, he really makes for a likeable rival character.

The next rival to be introduced is none other than our classic Mean Boy rival, Bede. He’s a character the fanbase is a bit more accustomed to due to previous titles’ rivals (i.e. Green/Blue/Gary Oak from in R&G/B, Silver from SGC, technically also Gladion from S&M…), so are quite a few expectations placed on his character as a result. Also true to the typical Pokemon Jerk Rival, he has a complicated homelife (he comes from an orphanage, as we later learn) and has a similarly complicated parent-child relationship to the leading antagonist of the game (in this case, Chairman Rose). Bede constantly assumes himself to be better than he is and isn’t afraid to be a total prick about it, choosing to bully Hop upon winning battles against him to boost his own inflated ego (though there’s hints pointing to Bede actually having rather low self-esteem). All things considered, I liked Bede as a character about as much as one can like a mean rival archetype, but I was more than pleased to discover his transition to a more likably mean-spirited character when he later returns to the game to challenge the player after being disqualified from the challenge. While we’ve had a likeable mean rival before (namely Gladion), Bede is something of his own entity with how he actually has an attempt at character development that leads him to a mini-redemption near the end of the game. He’s really the first mean rival to have a transition from total jerk to slightly-peeved tsundere, which was probably a good idea on Game Freak’s part so that we wouldn’t be left with a character we downright hated after the way Bede quite literally destroys Hop’s confidence. It’s nowhere near as impressive as Hop’s character development (which isn’t super impressive to begin with, but let’s ignore that fact for a bit), but it’s still interesting to see in a monster-catching game about being the best you can be.

And then, of course, we get to the cute-girl rival, Marnie, also known as the place where I get a bit mad again. I’d like to say that I absolutely love Marnie; she has an adorable design and interesting personality that captures my attention whenever she has screen time. But she serves one purpose in this game, and one purpose alone - being the main cute girl rival of the game. Marnie has the potential to be a similarly interesting rival (cute design that meshes “punk” with “cute”, has a wholesome and fun dynamic with her gym leader older brother, uses a Pokemon that isn’t considered to be a “competitive” choice as her ace, has a cool/cute personality…), and yet we probably only talk to her about five times over the course of the main game. Little is done with her character - in fact, the only real thing she does in the game other than becoming the next dark-type gym leader is that she helps the player sneak into Spikemuth after the gates have been shut by the remarkably-harmless Team Yell. I don’t think I’m alone in saying that I would have loved to have seen more done with her character. With the boy rivals being more fleshed out than her, it leaves a sour taste in my mouth because the female rival is the one left with a blank personality (and I’m not just saying that because she hardly smiles - that’s really one of the only things we get about her that gives her an actual personality). My frustrations are further exacerbated because this has always been an issue in Pokemon games, in which the girl rivals are so barebones for seemingly the only purpose of serving as some neckbeard’s waifu that they can input a personality they desire despite the fact that she’s canonically a minor. Why put in the time to give dimension to Hop and Bede, but not Marnie? And we know for a fact that Game Freak has to recognize the lack of personality given to Marnie, especially since they had previously come out with Lillie’s wonderfully sweet character arch in S&M and USUM. Personally, I feel that it was because they didn’t feel like having a more punkish girl character who also had traditionally feminine-coded interests (she’s known to have been distracted during the gym challenge by the boutiques) and ultimately decided to just not give her any further personality other than that, perhaps fearing that it would dissuade the gross creeper fanbase from latching onto her. But that’s really just speculation, so don’t take any of my nonsense too seriously. Really, I’d just rather we had a girl rival with more personality to match the other two rivals so it wasn’t so annoyingly unbalanced.

Moving on from the rivals, we get into the designs of the League Staff of the game. In most other Pokemon games, I’d never really been too interested in the gym leaders; they had always been more of minor bosses, just faces that you saw for a couple of seconds before pummeling their ‘mons and moving to the next city. But in this game in particular, there was a sudden transition from simple puzzle master to a full-on celebrity figure. I really enjoyed this! It was so nice to actually have some information on the gym leaders other than what type they sported; suddenly, they have personalities and interests - they become real to the player. Not to mention that there really is a gym leader for everyone to enjoy, thanks to their unique personalities and styles.

I’ll be a bit honest and say that some of their clothing designs are remarkably stupid for even an anime-based RPG game (I mean, I know we joke about Leon’s terrible sense of fashion in the fanbase, but can we just pause and ponder what Piers’ wears? I mean, a leather jacket with spandex? Metal boots and a work-out tank??? What is he wearing?!), but it isn’t exactly distracting. In Western cultures in particular, we can see a trend towards the glamourization of the “athleisure” style, or athletic wear designed more for everyday use rather than just working out. It was kind of fitting to see this be the primary style for the gym leaders, who can basically be described as hierarchical sports stars. Weird? Sure. But in the context of the world, it all fits together, and once again adds to the immersion aspect of the game.

Looking at our main antagonists, they are designed quite well. Chairman Rose is designed to be quite easy and fun to hate (at least for me) - he’s an important-looking businessman who’s very impressed with himself, paired up with a beautiful yet terrifying subordinate woman who does most all the hardwork for him (...actually, they kind of remind me of an antagonistic Cl. Mustang and Lt. Hawkeye from Fullmetal Alchemist…). They also had noteworthy battle themes that popped a bit more than other battle themes in the game.

While they hardly count as antagonists, I’d like to also make a brief mention of Team Yell. They’re more annoying than anything, which is a trend that I’m not too sure how I feel about yet. It was definitely more likable coming from Team Skull, that’s for sure. I would have liked Team Yell doing a bit more damage, having them be a bit more unruly and controversial before evening them out with the whole emotional appeal of them cheering on for Marnie in hopes of saving their ruined town. But they weren’t too terrible in my opinion.

I could talk for hours on the champion of the region, too, Champion Leon. He’s a really fun and charming character overall, less of the supremely wise and powerful champion that we’ve seen in older gens and instead being a more quirky but worthwhile opponent on the path towards the crown. But I definitely preferred him more as a character than as a champion; even though his team changes depending on your starter, it’s not too challenging of a fight if you know what you’re doing, especially when you immediately know what his ace pokemon is (something we don’t really learn in other gens about the champions). While I’m sure the idea of a powerful but transparent champion can be done, Leon doesn’t really stand up as a powerful trainer when compared to other champions in the franchise. But he’s definitely still a fun, interesting character concept that I am grateful for in this particular game.

When it comes to the designs of the primary NPCs and Pokemon, SWSH continues to talk that line just above mediocrity. Not too bad, not all that great, but definitely not something to be forgotten. I’d reason that the primary strength of this generation lies within the characters that are introduced.

Uniqueness vs. Status as a Pokemon Game...

In regards to the uniqueness - how well this game stands on its own as an individual concept rather than just another Pokemon game - I’m a bit divided. On one hand, I’m a bit saddened by the watering down of content and constant reliance on concepts from older games. But I can also see that SWSH introduced a lot of interesting ideas that have inspired so many fans for this generation. And while yes, this gen didn’t have much to offer in terms of new Pokemon, new scenarios, or new lore, I do think that it does hold its own when compared to the other games in the main series. New characters are introduced to the player, all of which having good (and bad) traits that allow for lots of fan-created content with their essence; a new look into a brand-new battle enhancer that requires a different strategy than those of previous battle enhancers; a new culture found within the Galar region that can inspire many more thoughts and theories on the Pokemon world as a whole in a number of ways. We cannot pretend that SWSH isn’t an influential game just because it wasn’t ground-breaking; even with my extreme distaste for the Black and White games, I still admit that they led to important decisions and ideas that led to the creation of games I did enjoy. So, as its own entity, I think that Pokemon: Sword and Shield really has a lot of offer and would probably be an amazing game for a younger player who’s just getting into the Pokemon universe.

But I think that a lot of us long-time fans can agree that this game doesn’t quite match up with the others in terms of giving those real “Pokemon game” feelings. The problem with big-titles like this is that the company tends to lose sight of what really makes a franchise so influential isn’t the stuff found at face-value. It’s not the creatures or NPCs or game mechanics or design or any of that garbage - it’s the feelings we get when all of those things reach that perfect harmony. It’s the rumble in my chest whenever I listen to that famous intro-sequence of my old Pokemon: Ruby game; it’s the fire in my eyes when I went back to challenge Pokemon Trainer Red for the tenth time that night back in my old Pokemon: Heart Gold game; it’s the tears I cried when I watched the only interesting character, N, leave my playable character after his emotional spiel following the defeat of Ghetsis in my long-since abandoned copy of Pokemon: White. At the end of the day, Pokemon is more of an emotion I get rather than a game I play, and I think this is an idea that few people can recognize for themselves. And while I’m aware that I literally just spent several thousand words bagging and praising this game for all those face-value aspects, I also know that when you add that extra little bit of care to your work, go a little further with a character you know someone will adore, or try something new with that new battle theme, there comes a sensation that goes beyond that of love for a silly fantasy game. I’d like to think it’s something akin to inspiration.

Conclusion...

In conclusion, Pokemon: Sword and Shield is far from perfect. With a number of faults and disappointments, I can understand why a lot of fans were less than interested in giving this game the time of day. But I also want to say that this game deserves to be understood and appreciate for what it is, for what it’s done. Who knows what sort of new ideas this game has inspired? Whether it be in the name Pokemon game or someone else’s passion project, I am confident in the potential that this game has to bring someone’s dreams to fruition. It already has inspired so much amazing fan-content from the community; after so many years of being away from the fandom, SWSH was the game that drove me right back, giving me the drive to once again indulge in my middle-school days of sketching out my latest comfort character or writing out a million headcanons in a way-too plot-heavy story. Many fan-creators in this community feel the same as me, I’m sure, so it would be untrue of me to say that this game was anything less than what it was: a fun, simple game that prides itself in its characters and potential rather than complex combat mechanics or some corkboard-plot nightmare. It’s a game meant to be enjoyed, so we must remember to find our enjoyment wherever it can be found. For me, Pokemon can’t really do much wrong, but also is held up to a level of expectations that I can’t quite understand even for myself. This, at the end of the day, is a video game from my all-time favorite franchise; so long as I can find enjoyment there in it, then it’s worth it. In a world filled with nihilism and cynicism, it’s nice to visit a land where you’re wise to try and be the very best like no-one ever was, to be the next best Pokemon Master.

#pokemon #Pokemon Sword and shield #pokemon swsh #swsh #sword and shield #game review #game #analysis #review #post mortem #(does this count as post mortem???)#casual gamer #essay #video game #food for thought

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nightqueendany · 5 years

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The Original Final Season 7 - Preface

Okay guys. I’m still polishing up some of the later episodes, but this whole thing is almost done. And as motivation to make me finish the later episodes and publish them, I’m going to give you Episode 1 today, in a post directly following this one. If you do not see the link just yet, simply refresh this post and I should have put it in place, pending no issues with my Internet connection.

I’ve talked about this A LOT. What follows below and in subsequent weeks (I’m going to make you guys suffer, I’m going to put each episode out weekly) is 1) my explanation for WHY specifically I believe there was an “Original Final Season 7” and also, 2) WHAT I believe that Final Season contained.

NOTE: I will refer to the actual show events of Seasons 7 and 8 as “show canon” and will refer to my speculation as “Original Final Season 7.”

*Disclaimer because I have this weird feeling I’m going to get bombarded with anons asking me for links to “the original scripts” or interviews where this is all mentioned or something:

THIS IS ALL MY OWN SPECULATION. NONE OF THIS HAS BEEN PROVEN TRUE. THERE ARE NO “ORIGINAL SCRIPTS” FOR A FINAL SEASON 7...THAT I KNOW OF.

Alright, now that that’s taken care of, I’m gonna lay this out here for you guys. (Parts of this may get fanficky but whatever, this is what makes the most sense in my mind based on what we’ve got on the table).

(Also note, this series will be really really fucking long because it includes what I *think* the original Season was, and evidence from aired episodes as to why I think that, along with long-winded, detailed descriptions of scenes, etc. Sorry not sorry)

Here is how I went about this speculation to determine what I believe was likely the “Original Final Season 7”:

1) I looked for instances in the series as a whole where plots were never finished OR scenes/lines were either retconned or never paid off - i.e. Dany’s S2 throne room scene script clearly saying “snow” and in 8x06 it’s now ash - post Emmy script release note: the script may say “snow” but remember, it’s the same day as the attack on the city from 8x05 when it was sunny and super hot outside. Either the script was changed just to make it say “snow” OR it was snow in the 8x06 episode, but D&D literally changed the fucking weather just to make it snowing in Dany’s throne room scene when King’s Landing hasn’t had snow since 7x07. Either way, something was retconned and it’s fucking idiotic and hella obvious.

2) I examined Seasons 7&8 specifically for the same things - scenes/lines never paid off or left unfinished/unexplained, i.e. Yara’s line “somewhere the dead can’t go” when this was never needed because the Night King was defeated in one episode; also all the baby talk between Jon and Dany and Dany never being pregnant in show canon.

3) I looked for instances in the series where a plot was “undone” in a very short span of time. Meaning, something that could have taken seasons upon seasons for buildup but was scrapped or easily deconstructed an episode later or same episode - i.e. Jaime/Brienne finally getting together in 8x04 and Jaime leaving Brienne that same episode; also Theon rescuing Yara from Euron’s ship very easily in 8x01 when she was a captive for most of Season 7.

4) And lastly, I looked for things that have been said/mentioned either in show canon or by cast/staff that ignores something previous that is a contradiction of their words - i.e. Jon pledging to Dany in 7x06 after she already said she would help him and Jon in 8x01 saying he gave up his crown so Dany would come help OR Dan Weiss saying in 7x05 that Dany isn’t mad and isn’t her father and then in S8 naming Dany the “Mad Queen”.

There are many of these instances in the series so it wasn’t hard to map out a rough outline of what I believe the “Original Final Season 7” was.

So, why do I even think there even was an original, final Season 7 outline/possibly even an entire Season of script? Why do I think this a likely possibility rather than me just being a delusional Dany Stan who wanted a different ending for my fave?

Back as early as 2013, after season 3 ended, the number 7 was being thrown around. Seven seasons to finish the series.

[Producer Frank] Doelger said: “[The number of series (seasons)] is being discussed as we speak. The third season was the first half of book three, season four will be the second part of book three. George RR Martin has written books four and five; six and seven are pending....I would hope that, if we all survive, and if the audience stays with us we’ll probably get through to seven seasons.”

Keep in mind, at this same time, D&D had also JUST had their meeting with George about the series endpoints.

“Last year we went out to Santa Fe for a week to sit down with him [Martin] and just talk through where things are going, because we don’t know if we are going to catch up and where exactly that would be. If you know the ending, then you can lay the groundwork for it. And so we want to know how everything ends. We want to be able to set things up. So we just sat down with him and literally went through every character.”

Vanity Fair, March 24th, 2014 (LAST year being spring 2013)

So this meeting on the series conclusion took place right when D&D were just polishing up the scripts for Season 4, before filming began that summer). A year after their meeting with George, (the same 2014 Vanity Fair article), D&D apparently played with the idea of an eighth season, but that could have just been the reporter’s speculation.

In other interviews, they were fairly adamant about 7 being the “magic number.” And back in the very beginning when Dave and Dan first started Thrones, they always said they imagined the series taking 70-75 hours to tell the story - so again, the equivalent of 70 episodes or a normal full 7 Seasons of 10 episodes each).

With the major complaint from both last season and season 8 being that it felt “rushed” however, people may wonder how the hell the series was supposed to conclude after Season 6. However, when you think about it, Season 7 being the final season doesn’t seem that odd if it were originally going to be a regular 10 episode arc. The final two seasons only totaled 13 episodes anyway, so really, it’s just three fewer episodes than in the version that we got. And if some episodes in the final Season 7 were over an hour long, the series as a whole would easily reach that 70-75 hours D&D always talked about.

So, what was the original 10 episode final Season 7 supposed to look like?

Season 7 Episode 1: ?

Season 7 Episode 2: ?

Season 7 Episode 3: ?

Season 7 Episode 4: ?

Season 7 Episode 5: ?

Season 7 Episode 6: ?

Season 7 Episode 7: ?

Season 7 Episode 8: ?

Season 7 Episode 9: ?

Season 7 Episode 10: ?

To figure out the outline of the 10 Episode Final Season, let’s start near the end.

ONE FINAL BATTLE

Author George R.R. Martin, whose series of novels forms the basis for Thrones, had revealed to the duo the broad strokes of how his Song of Ice and Fire saga secretly ends, including a description of an epic FINAL BATTLE that’s been teased from the show’s VERY FIRST SCENE. But this climactic confrontation was miles out of reach for a series that cost about $5 million per episode. “We have a very generous budget from HBO, but we know what’s coming down the line and, ultimately, it’s not generous enough,” Benioff said.

When Entertainment Weekly interviewed D&D back during the filming of Season 3, D&D made it sound like George had planned only ONE final battle - the battle between the living and the dead. Not two battles, one with the living against the dead and another later battle with the living against the living. Just ONE.

(Also should note, this says the FINAL BATTLE was teased from the show’s FIRST scene, which contained the White Walkers but not Daenerys. Daenerys didn’t even appear in the episode until sometime much later meaning the “epic final battle” was about the White Walkers, not Dany burning down King’s Landing as we got in show canon).

Both the books and the show begin by showing the audience the threat beyond the Wall. This is the main threat. This is the main event. The Game of Thrones doesn’t matter and is a distraction for both the audience and the characters. In GRRM’s original outline, he explicitly says that the greatest threat to the realm of Westeros is the Others and that there will be one final battle.

So this was our original “Episode 9”. Literally and figuratively. Episode 9 is always supposed to be the episode where the craziest thing happens in the entire season - Ned’s death, Battle of Blackwater, Red Wedding, Battle at Castle Black, Dany flying away on Drogon from the fighting pits of Meereen, Battle of the Bastards.

The only exception to this could be argued to be Season 5 as Jon Snow is killed in Episode 10, not episode 9. However, the change in structure of the season was probably the biggest clue to the audience that Jon wasn’t going to stay dead, as they had never ended a season on a cliffhanger of the death of a major character. We’ve always been given one more episode afterward to process said character’s death.

If Jon were going to die and stay dead, he would have died in Season 5 Episode 9, because of this pattern: Season 1 Episode 9 - Stark death (Ned). Season 2 Episode 9 - Battle (Blackwater). Season 3 Episode 9 - Stark death (Robb). Season 4 Episode 9 - Battle (Castle Black). Season 5 Episode 9 - no Stark death (where there should have been - and a Battle was in Episode 8 - Hardhome). Season 6 Episode 9 makes up for the flaw in the pattern where we get a Battle and a Stark death (Rickon).

Ergo, based on George’s original outline, D&D’s previous statements about George’s plan, and the pattern, 7x09 was the original Battle for the Dawn. So that’s what I’ll call this episode.

Season 7 Episode 1: ?

Season 7 Episode 2: ?

Season 7 Episode 3: ?

Season 7 Episode 4: ?

Season 7 Episode 5: ?

Season 7 Episode 6: ?

Season 7 Episode 7: ?

Season 7 Episode 8: ?

Season 7 Episode 9: The Battle For The Dawn

Season 7 Episode 10: ?

I don’t want to give the entire season away just yet, as I’ll be posting each episode in full detail, but I will fill in one more “event” from the outline above.

In the 7x06 Inside the Episode, David Benioff said something that I’ve always found very interesting.

“The whole path of the show, in some way, had been trying to map out all the episode endpoints and with this one, it was the dragon opening its blue eye. And realizing that the Night King has finally gotten his own weapon of mass destruction.”

This statement really made me think because a) it tells us how D&D planned the series - mapping everything out by episode endpoints. And b) Benioff doesn’t say “the ending of the penultimate episode of Season 7.” He just says, “this one.” So this tells me, if anything, D&D had always planned to kill Viserion and have the Night King raise him as his mount. BUT it also tells me this was always meant to happen in 7x06, regardless of when Season 7 ended….either at an Episode 7 or an Episode 10.

Season 7 Episode 1: ?

Season 7 Episode 2: ?

Season 7 Episode 3: ?

Season 7 Episode 4: ?

Season 7 Episode 5: ?

Season 7 Episode 6: ends with Wight!Viserion opening his blue eye

Season 7 Episode 7: ?

Season 7 Episode 8: ?

Season 7 Episode 9: The Battle For The Dawn

Season 7 Episode 10: ?

So what does each episode of the “Original Final Season 7″ look like? The following posts will be my rendering of a final, ten-episode Season 7 with explanations as to why certain events happen and why they’re likely based on the show canon, Seasons 7 and 8.

Without further adieu, here is what I believe to be the Original Final Season 7:

(Links to come weekly as I post each Episode, if link does not work immediately, just refresh a few times until it does. Two episodes today as Episode 1 is very short and familiar, Episode 3 next Tuesday!)

Original Final Season 7: Preface Post (Current Episode)

Season 7 Episode 1: Family, Duty, Honor

Season 7 Episode 2: Greywater Watch

Season 7 Episode 3: The Last of the Dragons

Season 7 Episode 4: Dragonglass

Season 7 Episode 5: The Storm

Season 7 Episode 6: Summerhall

Season 7 Episode 7: A City Fit For A King

Season 7 Episode 8: Protectors of the Realm

Season 7 Episode 9: The Battle For The Dawn

Season 7 Episode 10: ?

#game of thrones #daenerys targaryen #daenerys defense squad #jon snow #jon snow defense squad #anti got #anti D&D

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greywolfandmoon · 5 years

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Tagged by the amazing @direwolf-summer ❤️ I know I’m a lazy, dirty-minded, introverted bag of shit that I almost never interact with anyone and then you tagged me and awwww thanks 🥰🥰 (I also tagged some of you at the end just in case you’re wondering)

the decade is ending, what’s changed for you in these past ten years?

a LOT has changed, so hear me out. But then,.. compared to you lots answers, mine seem boring af so am I just a boring person in general or what I’m a bit confused whys everyone moving cities states countries but I’m doing exactly what I have been doing 😟

Have you moved?

Well. No. I was born here, grown here, lived here, studied here my whole life. I desperately want to have a bit of change, either by studying or finding a job overseas; but judging from my uni courses I guess I’ll die here as well.

Have you graduated?

Nope. I feel like my mental age has stopped at 13 and I still feel very high school-ish. People still treat me as a child which at times I find very annoying.

The bachelor that I’m doing now is not the one I wanted most, but then it turned out okay and I decided to go along with the plans of life.

Has your marital status changed?

MARRIED LMAO What is that I don’t even know it’s not in my dictionary

But seriously though, at present I don’t see that prospect of me getting married. It just seems so far away that at this point in life I cannot even imagine a future of it. But a bigger reason is that, within this year I think, 2019, with the help of fanfiction and internet, was the year that I figured myself out. I grew up in a conservative family, went to a catholic secondary school, yada yada yada the classic ‘not-queer-but-boom-is-actually-the-biggest-gay’ setting. When I first read fanfics, I was surprised how relatable I felt the characters and their stories were, how comfortable I found myself in fandoms and tumblr where straight ppl is actually the minority. I thought well, maybe I was just a fan girl who was hopelessly obsessed with gay fanficifon, but when I actually started creating - both artworks and fics - I found that, yes, that’s some cathartic shit right here. A lot of my characters struggle with homophobia, coming out, being afraid of who they really are etc, and I can’t say that all of those simply sprung out of my imagination. I really connect with them - especially Remus, who is in canon a character who has taken a lot of time to fight his inner demons to start with. (Another character being Elsa from Frozen).

But then I’m still figuring myself out. And there’s still the issue of the non-legality of same sex marriage where I’m from. And then there’s still my parents. 🤷🏻‍♂️

Has your parental status changed?

I’d like to have children but I don’t wanna be the one to give birth. What if my womb popped when, say, I was bending to pick up my shoe

Has your hair colour changed?

No. Except maybe that it’s got browner naturally...? My parents are very strict with rules and I can’t imagine what would happen if I went home with bright pink hair lol. BUT THEN my friends suggested temporary hair prays and I’d love to try that on (were doing it a few days later!! I’m so excited.)

Has your job changed?

Job what job I’m unemployed

Has your otp changed?

Yes, but then I would say that my otps before were like ... your first loves. You loved them because of inexperience. Right now it’s probalvy wolfstar, Stucky is a close second.

Has your pet status changed?

Er. My pet gold fish died when I was 12. Does that count?

Also I have a phobia of anything that moves around my feet, not kidding. It’s strange that I love dogs when they’re in photos and videos, I bookmark a lot of them on insta but in real life I can’t get near a dog without screaming my lungs out.

What new places did you visit?

Oh yeah. Quite a lot. I love travelling!! I travel every holiday (Christmas, Chinese New Year, Easter, summer hols) so it’s hard not to have visited any new places in the past decade!! Where I’m from none, I repeat, none of us stay at home during holidays. If you stay you’re probably going to spend the holiday alone cos all your friends aww away. That’s weird, isn’t it? Do ppl from other places do that?

What is an accomplishment that you are proud of?

Hmm. I think it’s that I completed some fics and drawing? I feel like people in my city have a very straight forward way of life that it’s basically a formula. You compete to get in good schools, score high on exams, compete to get high-paid jobs, get married at 30, habe children at 35, OWN a place before 40, pay for mortgage, retire, compete to get a place in the hospital, compete to get a niche where you put your ashes in after you die. It’s rare that ppl actually have a life out of all these, and writing and drawing? That’s the kind of things that gets most scoffed at in this materialistic place. But then I get my backups - that’s you guys, the amazing fandom, and I vow to myself that I’ll continue to do it in the coming decade 💓

I’ve finished rambling. Thanks for coming to my ted talk. I’m tagging @shameless-n-weird @nofuckyouthanks @cosettefauchelevente @thematicallycoherent @blitheringmcgonagall um so you guys might not know me I’ve been lurkin in the dark for so long but I actually love you and your posts so ... yeah, let’s recap our decade if you’re game or if you haven’t already!!!

#about myself #hello 2020 #bye 2019

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dungeonsndiapers · 5 years

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29w6d

Ok, now for an update that isn’t all sad and shit.

I have my moments but for the most part things are really good. Managing the GD hasn’t been as torturous as I thought it would be. We pretty much prepare and eat exactly what we had before, I just have to watch the portions. Since my stomach is currently being squished by my uterus I can’t eat a lot anyways so I don’t really feel like I’m lacking too much. Right now I really want some ceviche and tortillas chips are sort of out (well at the amount I would need to eat all the ceviche I want) Bill is pretty much maintaining the same restrictions as me, probably because I told him I would be pissed if I find out he’s snacking on chips at work while I have to eat carrots. No shame idc, he shouldn’t have knocked me up if he didn’t want to go through this with me. Baby is movments are a lot stronger now, Bill’s been able to feel them more often and we even saw movement from the outside the other day.

My dad has been struggling with some medical problems that’s been depressing him. I’ve been growing more and more concerned for him over the past few months. He has extended family there, but all of us girls have moved out of state. He has said he wanted to move here but was waiting until my other sister moved here (she lives in Chicago). Well after having 3 hospital stays and needing surgery he’s done. We flew him out here because we were really worried about his mental health, he stayed for a few days and we all discussed him moving out here as soon as he can sell his house. He’s been updating me via text that he’s going through and throwing things away and packing. He doesn’t even want to stay through his house selling. He wants to stay long enough to get it ready to sell, list it, and move. He said he wants to stay with my older sister, but I’m assuming that’s because we have a newborn coming home soon and need some time to adjust to just the 4 of us. Although I wish he didn’t have to struggle with some depression to get to this decision, it’s is honestly so great. My dad is one of the biggest things I miss about California and now he might be here in time for new baby to be born. He just wants to be near his daughters and grandkids.

My dice “business” is going well. I actually just closed commissions until next year because I got a big order in that will take up my most of my time and also starting next month I don’t think I’ll feel up to it. I’m going to work on dice to sell in an online store but don’t want to feel obligated to get product out that someone ordered. I funded my 3d masters which I ordered yesterday. They are 18mm instead of 16mm super sharpe edges and have a font that I chose. Once they get here I’ll also start working on making molds for those but I’ll also keep making dice with the smaller molds. I want to be able to keep making some affordable sets, because I don’t want to price out people who can’t afford $50 for a set of dice. Dice should be for everyone. In this time I’ll work on making up sets to sell in a store, work on a logo, a website, and maybe get business cards to include in my shipments.

Baby’s nursery is coming along great. The room has been utilized as a storage space for a few months and now there so much stuff in it, we need to sit down and figure out where things will go. Bill finished the ceiling and it looks amazing. The wall is painted purple and vinyl trees laid down, they were the biggest pain in the ass to put on and I would 100% not recommend buying them. L Also we need touch them up and extend the tops because right now some of them are super bluntly cut off at the top and it looks dumb. Bill scoured the internet for a piece of wood he was happy with for the baby’s name sign. (I blurred out the name). I purchased some map artwork from different cities in California and plan to print those soon. Also going to work on some string art in the shape of the state. Next step is Bill building some closet organizers with storage and then moving furniture. We got Kennedy a new day bed that has a trundle that pulls out (based off recs from people here, thanks!). Besides that we haven’t bought any new furniture for her room, and my plan is to not need too much more. The built ins in the closet will have drawers that will take the place of a dresser, I want to make a little reading nook area for her, and then focus on toy storage for her and make sure she has plenty of room to play. She really like coloring so maybe make a little desk for her. We also need to hang up her Star Wars decor, we’ve sort of failed at decorating her room since we moved. All of her current furniture will go into new baby’s room, and the rocking chair will go into our room (new baby will be in our room for a while anyways. Which reminds me that I need to pull out the bassinet clean it)

Maternity photos are next month. I bought a bunch of our outfit items today. I need shoes for me and Kennedy and also Bill’s outfit, although usually I just tell him “Buy a navy sweater” and he goes and find what he likes. I’ll wear my hair down and wavy with neutral color makeup and I think Ill do Kennedy’s hair in space buns. My sister is coming along with us to be a toddler wrangler so we can get some photos of just Bill and I and not worry that Kennedy is getting lost in the forest. I still need to buy myself a comfy cute robe for fresh 48s and also figure out what Bill will wear. And then think about newborn photo session and what we will all wear. Anyways here’s our outfits and location for maternity photos (colors were chosen based the dress that was on sale 👍🏼):

I think that’s it. Now I need to spend a good 30 minutes reading and rereading this to make sure I didn’t drop a pronoun.

Y’all we only have like, 10 more weeks 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

#29 weeks #29w6d #pregnant #pregnancy #pregnancy after loss #gestational diabetes #baby number 3 #god i have been typing this so long i was so worried tumblr would eat it

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purplesurveys · 4 years

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713

Have you ever read the Hunger Games series? Nah, that was put out when I started to not read anymore. I did see the first movie though since it was always being aired on TV. When was the last time you ran into something? Haven’t been doing a lot of running these days being stuck at home... but uh probably my dog? He’s always scattered in the most random spaces around the house, it’s so easy to literally stumble upon him. Do you enjoy dressing up? I don’t get to do it a lot but yeah sure. Do you live in the city or a rural area? I live in an urban area. Rizal is technically a province but it has some urban, more city-like parts – I live in one of them. The way provinces are in the country is generally nice for staycations but I can’t see myself living in them for good; there’s hardly any phone signal, they have none of the stuff I’m used to having in the city like malls and coffee shops, and there’s much less coverage for internet connection. Would you say you have a sense of style? Pretty much. I think it’s distinguishable enough that people can pick clothes they think I’d like off a rack.

What's your biggest fear? Cockroaches, failing, being publicly humiliated. Have you ever been bitten by a wild animal? Nope. Add that into one of my biggest fears. Are you close to any of your cousins? I’m closest to my Kuya, the eldest cousin on my mom’s side. I used to be close with my cousins on my dad’s side but since we’ve always lived far from each other we ended up getting awkward when we were teenagers and we haven’t moved past from that ever since. All my other cousins are too young for me to be close to. Have you ever been lost in the woods? Nope. Where did you last travel? I think my last out-of-town trip was when I went to Nasugbu with my friends as a last hurrah before the semester started last August. Do you enjoy driving? I would enjoy it more if traffic wasn’t so congested all the time, but generally I prefer knowing how to drive than not at all. I find it really convenient and I like being able to move at my own time, at my own pace. What song did you last listen to? Hahahaha don’t even be surprised anymore – it’s lofi city up in here, dude. If you have a job, how often do you work? What time do you normally go to sleep at night? These days, very late; my body clock has been beaten up bad (by me, lmao) in the last month. I’d normally turn in from 2-4 AM. Do you watch a lot of movies? I used to. Watching new movies was all I ever did circa 2014-2016, but life got a bit more hectic and my time for watching movies waned until I was never able to get back to my old routine and I just stopped watching altogether. These days I’m only able to watch new films if Gab asks me to tag along with her, like what happened with Midsommar, Knives Out, and Portrait of a Lady on Fire. Do you like Tom Petty? I only know him by name. I don’t have an opinion. Would you rather have snow or rain? I mean I’m just stuck with one of the choices anyway, so rain it is. Do you own a lot of sweaters? Nah I own zero. The only one I have belongs to my girlfriend. Have you ever tried rock-climbing? I’ve tried mini rock-climbing walls, but nothing too high or that required me to put on a helmet and harness. Ever ridden in a police car? Nope. Favorite decade of music? Idk I’ll have to go with the most recent one, 2010s. It was a period when I got old enough to 1) connect with the music coming out and 2) discern what to me sounds good and what doesn’t, and it was also a time where I got to establish what my general music tastes are. The 2000s to me mostly offers nostalgia but nothing outstanding, and I feel too detached from the other past decades for them to be my favorite. Have any of your best friends been your best friend longer than a year? I’ve had best friends I’ve kept for 15 years and 8 years. Ever witnessed a murder? No, but I came so close. One of our first news assignments was to cover a crime story, so on the first night a friend and I spent the night over at a local police station to wait for leads. There wasn’t any and on the second night, another pair of groupmates were tasked to wait at the same station to wait for reports – they were the pair that got a tip and they got to see a fresh crime scene :( which I know should be nothing to be envious of sksksk but still. If I remember correctly it was a stabbing incident and someone did die from it. Do you care what people think of you? I try not to but some opinions that reach me will still get to me, especially on rougher days. Does your room have a ceiling fan? No, just a standing electric fan. Would you consider yourself poised? Eh, it’s not the first word I’d use to describe me. If I’m feeling antsy you’d know it, because I would show it. Have you ever tried blogging? I have tried blogging, as early as when I was 10. I mainly used Blogspot as a diary, but it didn’t last long because 10 year old me just couldn’t keep the blog up and running. I discovered Tumblr when I was 11 and since then it’s been my main website for if I wanna blog (or in this case, microblog) about my interests. Favorite television channel? I haven’t watched TV in a looooooooong while. Have you ever lied under oath? I’ve never had to be under oath. What are your religious views? None. Are you a romantic person? Yeah but mostly in secret; I don’t like being too public when it comes to being expressive. Like I’d swat my girlfriend’s face away if she tries to kiss me in public lmaooooo but when it’s just the two of us I’ve gotten her love language down to a T and I know exactly what to do to make her feel loved. When did you last change your bed sheets? A few weeks ago. My eye started getting irritated whenever I was anywhere near my bed, so I chalked it up to having sheets that needed to be changed. Would you consider yourself a flirt? That would be the literal last thing to describe me. At what age do you plan to be married? Somewhere between 27-29. Do you eat a lot of junk food? Meh not really these days. I’m old enough to start feeling how unhealthy they are whenever I eat them and they no longer feel filling to the stomach either. When did you last go on vacation? Half a year ago. We haven’t been able to go on vacations this year because of coronavirus obviously, so our last trips have been on my dad’s last break at home. Are you resilient? I’d like to think so. I’ve been through so much shit and of varying degrees all my life but I’m still stubbornly here. Have you ever failed a subject before? I’ve never failed an entire class but I’ve failed exams, mostly math-related ones. If so, what was the class? My first failed class was math in Grade 4 (which was when we started learning super super super basic algebra), then I failed a number of algebra exams in 1st year, and then advanced algebra and geometry, and I think even chemistry and calculus, as the years went on. Do you wear more bright or dull colors? I used to wear duller colors, but I’ve recently been so bored with how my wardrobe has been mostly black and white throughout my stay in college that I started to make an effort to buy more colorful stuff so I can look livelier. Do you know anyone who has attempted suicide? I know a number of people. What's your favorite quote? I don’t really have one but one of my favorite movie lines is “How you like them apples?” from Good Will Hunting, if that counts. Would you consider yourself mature? Sure. I like taking on a motherly role in all my friend groups. How many clocks are in your house? I only regularly encounter the one in our dining area but I dunno if any of the bedrooms have clocks as well. Do you play any sports? Table tennis. What is your biggest life regret? Eh I say this a lot but only because it’s my one big regret – I wish I didn’t have such a hard time adjusting and spend so much time wallowing in self-pity in my first year (and part of my second year) of college. I spent all my days crying in my car because I had nowhere to hang and no one to talk to, and I was feeling worse by the fact that everyone else seemed to settle in with ease. I wish I had just said ‘fuck it’ earlier and just joined orgs and talked to people. Now I don’t really get to say that my entire college experience had been one of a kind, because I was mostly only trying to keep myself alive for nearly the first half of it. Have you ever been injured in a car accident? Nah not injured, but I’ve been caught in a couple of accidents. If you could be anywhere in the world right now, where would you be? I would love to be in a Tim Hortons right now, studying while having their coffee and one of their wraps. Have you ever had highlights in your hair? Never. I’m not allowed to, which is fine because I stopped wanting to dye my hair. Favorite fast food restaurant? KFC has the best fast food but not the best restaurant. I don’t think I enjoy eating at any of the fast food restaurants we have because they all smell like a bunch of people have come and gone in the place D: In what country were you born? Philippines. Born and raised. Are your eyes more than one color? Nope. Have you ever caught something on fire? No but I’ve seen someone else get something on fire – back in Grade 4, my science teacher was showing us how a Bunsen burner works and a classmate (and tbh the class troublemaker) named Kressel tipped it over while the teacher wasn’t looking. We were too young to know what to do about it – and we were also all panicking on the inside and none of us could move – so we just watched part of the table getting burned away. What would you consider your biggest flaw? I’m very sensitive and I take a lot of things personally. What do you think your best quality is? Kinda conneected to that. I can read people quite well and can tell when they’re feeling too sensitive, if a joke has gotten too far for them, or if they’re starting to feel uncomfortable in a group setting. Do you enjoy listening to others' problems? *Enjoy* might not be the right word for it – I don’t derive pleasure out of hearing the things making my friends stressed out. I do like being the person they turn to; I like knowing they trust me.

Do you keep any plants in your house? My parents do. Sometimes they’ll ask me to water them, but I don’t claim any of the plants as mine. What is your mother's occupation? She’s confidential secretary to one of the higher-ups in her workplace. Do any of your friends like your musical style? I’m not the first person they’d go to to ask for song recommendations. My taste is admittedly a bit blah and basic, so I don’t blame them haha. What are you most looking forward to? I wanna say this quarantine ending, but I know resuming life in the real world would also be making me anxious when the time comes. I guess I’m most excited for seeing Gabie again, because I haven’t seen March 7th. What was your favorite television show as a child? My first favorite show ever that I was also super attached to was Hi-5 with the original cast – this was for kindergarten days. When I got a bit older I loved Spongebob, then when I got even a bit older than that I started liking Drake and Josh, The Suite Life of Zack and Cody, That’s So Raven, and Hannah Montana. My first favorite that didn’t come from a kids’ channel was probs Breaking Bad. Are you afraid of insects? Yeah, most of them. Are you cold-natured? Idk if this wants to ask me if I’m snobbish or if I get cold too quickly, but I’m gonna go right ahead and say I can be a bit of both. How old were you when you got your first pet? I was 5 or 6 when I got my first few goldfish. Our house back then was very crowded and wouldn’t have been conducive to pets that would walk around, plus I had never owned pets before, so my parents thought it would be best for me to start off with fish. Did you / do you enjoy high school? It was okay for the latter half. What would you say was your favorite age? 16, which also happened to be the start of the second half of high school. There wasn’t a single low point that year and I had great friends, great grades, and an overall great time in junior year. What annoys you most about social networking? Ehh there are different annoying things for each of the big social media sites. Twitter sucks for its cancel/public shaming culture; Facebook suffers from fake news and troll armies, and conservative relatives are often there to gossip about your posts or your stances (at least for us Asians, idk if family in other cultures can be just as nosey); and Instagram is just unbelievably fake to me that I’ve never even tried joining there to socialize.

Are you the center of attention most of the time? No. Whenever I feel like I am I always shift the spotlight to someone else. What are you currently reading? I’m not reading anything at the moment. When did you last go to the library? At the start of the year, when I had to borrow a book for my Rizal class. Are you ill at the moment? Nope, and remaining not ill would be the best situation for now given the current circumstances. Do people tease you about anything? My friends know I’m a little sensitive so they’re careful about making me the butt of their jokes for too long, but I do get teased for my lack of street smarts which I’m fine with because it’s true hahahahahaha. How late did you stay up last night and why? Not too late considering how late I stay up these days – just around midnight. My left eye acted up again, was tearing up like crazy, and I could barely open it without starting to feel pain so I just went ahead and got some sleep. Have you ever written poetry? Only when we had to in English classes or if we had to submit entries for my org’s literary folio. I’ve never voluntarily written poems. Curtains or shades? Shades. How many people have you spoken to in the last hour? Six, I think? - my dad, sister, cousin, Gab, Andrew, and Angela. Do you tend to text a lot? These days no because I haven’t had (and needed) cellphone load in the last month lmao. Normally though I do. Ever lost a great best friend? Yeah. Sofie and I drifted apart when we started college and the time apart made me realize that we simply had two entirely different personalities and there was no way we would have kept up the friendship considering how far we would be from each other once college started. But it was a nice couple of years that we had being best friends and I don’t regret the antics we got into together. What is your favorite kind of flower? Peonieeeeees my god his question is everywhere. Do you own any guns? No, and I can tell you people where I’m from generally find America’s gun fixation really weird. What would you say is your favorite book of all-time? I think it’d be unfair to tag something as all-time favorite when I haven’t read enough books... but I remember really enjoying Without Seeing the Dawn by Stevan Javellana. Never mind the fact that it was required reading for school; I genuinely loved the whole book and ate it up pretty quickly. Do you think you're living a good life? I guess, but I’d much rather call it ‘fortunate.’ What's your least favorite part of the day? On a normal schedule that would be once my alarm hits and I know I have to get out of bed and anticipate the traffic I’ll be stuck in.

Are you an over-achiever? Not in the sense that I like joining competitions and winning every single one of them, but I like calling dibs on a lot of tasks no matter how booked I am, and even doing the tasks of others if I sense that they’re not moving. Have you ever won an award for a speech? I haven’t, but I’ve been in a public speaking competition. I let my anxiety get the best of me that day and I ended up rambling midway into my speech, so now thinking about it is something that makes me wince these days because I know I could have done a lot better. Do you tend to curse a lot? Not as much as when I was a teenager but I’ll still slip some shits and fucks in my sentences every now and then. Have you ever played on the Ouija board? No. And I think that if it does happen, as much as I love the concept of Ouija boards, I’ll be too scared to join the session haha. Do you sleepwalk? Nope. Have you ever slept on the floor before? I’ve never slept on the FLOOR floor. I’ve slept on floors but there was always a mattress to lie on to feel comfortable, ya feel. Are you a fan of public displays of affection? It’s easy not to mind simple acts like holding hands or forehead kisses, but it can get uncomfortable if a couple is clearly in the moment and is like literally making out on the escalator or talking like babies to one another but loud enough for others to hear. Either way though I wouldn’t call myself an active fan. When did you last attend a yard sale? Idk dude, 12 years ago I’d say. Do you wish your life were simpler or more interesting? More interesting. What goals do you wish to accomplish tomorrow? None. I just want to care for myself these days dude. And remind myself that it’s okay to not feel like being productive. When is your birthday? Exactly a week from now – April 21st. Which is worse: going blind or deaf? Blind for me. There’s a lot of stuff and places I have yet to see and new experiences that I wanna be able to digest by seeing them, like getting to the top of a mountain or seeing my future kid. What was the best part of today? Eh, today’s been uneventful at best. Do you attempt to stay away from drama? I don’t want to be the subject of drama but if there’s drama involving other people and my friends got a hold of it, I would honestly find it hard to ignore it. What liquid did you last drink? Water. Do you ever prefer to be alone? I have moods where I’d want to be alone, but it doesn’t happen all the time. I still like being around people because it keeps me from being alone with my thoughts. Have you ever had a deadly animal as a pet? No. Favorite Disney movie? Toy Story. Tangled comes at a verrrrrrrrrry close second. Have you ever been to the beach? Yes. I think since 2009 we’ve been going to the beach at least once a year. If you have, how many times have you been? ^ Considering that estimation I’ve been to the beach a minimum 11 times, but it’s definitely a lot more than that since there’ve been times where we went to beaches multiple times in a single year. What was your dream occupation at age ten? I wanted to be an author then. Are you terrified at the idea of weight-gain? No. I’m a little underweight so I'm okay with welcoming a few extra pounds. Do you drink a lot of water? I don’t take eight glasses a day but I still drink relatively more than my friends and relatives do, who seem to like iced tea and soda more. Does your room have carpet or hard-wood floors? Hardwood, as with most (maybe even all) Filipino houses. Do you take naps daily? No, not daily. I probably take 3-4 afternoon naps every week.

Who were you named after? My parents say I was named after the Swedish singer Robyn, but they also tell me a conflicting story in that they just liked how the name sounds and went with it. Do you plan on traveling this spring or summer? In the current state of the world? No can do chief. I wanna be able to travel once this shitstorm is over though. Do you know anyone who is colorblind? I don’t think so. Have you ever been a teacher's pet? For some classes, but they’ve been very few and far between. I don’t consciously make myself the teacher’s pet in all my classes. What is your absolute favorite hobby? Eating out/trying new food! How many times a day do you brush your teeth? Once or twice. Ever been to a tanning bed before? I have not. I don’t need to. Are you satisfied with your financial stability? I don’t even have finances sksksksksksksks Who is your favorite actor / actress? Kate Winslet. Are your nails painted? Nope. What's the meanest thing you've ever said to someone? I make it a point not to say mean things to anyone because words stick. I learned that from a young age which, aside from how fucked up that is, is still a good thing, because it taught me early on to be careful with my anger. Do you ever accidentally talk to inanimate objects? I don’t do it accidentally lmao I just apologize to most of the objects I bump into. What's your favorite flavor of ice cream? Cookies and cream. Have you ever kissed someone of the same gender? Regularly. Do you receive any hate mail? No but that’s because I actively avoid having outlets for that. Anonymous hate would only make me paranoid and will probs drive me madly insecure in the wrong run. Have you ever sent a letter in the mail? Nope. If you could, would you have a pen pal? Meh, I’ll pass. I find instant messaging a lot more convenient and I doubt I’d have the patience for keeping a pen pal. What color are the pants you're wearing? I have brown shorts, not pants. Have you ever had a stalker? Nope. What is your life philosophy? You don’t have to be blood to be family. Who last sent you a goodnight text message? Gabie. Do you own any clothes that are your favorite color? Very few, because pink actually doesn’t suit me. Have you ever been in a hot tub before? Sure. What's your favorite comedy movie? White Chicks. In which year were you born? 1998.

#survey #surveys

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queenkaneko · 5 years

Text

High Stakes

Pairing: Colt Kaneko x MC (Ellie)

Word Count: 4300

A/N: Sorry about the delay this week guys. I’m still frantically playing catchup and I’ll be leaving town probably this weekend for a family trip. I will still try to post if I can but internet where I’m going is VERY sketchy. I’ll do my best. This chapter IS NSFW. You all know the drill by now, I’m sure. Anyway. Here goes nothing.

Summary: Ellie has a nightmare that puts a few things into perspective and she and Colt do something a little crazy before their biggest job yet.

Part Seven

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Ellie walked down a deserted side street in a warehouse district near downtown L.A. Her first indication that something was wrong was the silence of the night. She was close to the city’s center but there were no engine noises, no car horns blaring in traffic, no raucous music. Only silence and the sound of the rain hitting the pavement. Ignoring the dread in her gut, Ellie continued on to the building ahead of her as if drawn to it. She pushed the door, feeling the cold steel under her palm as it creaked open. When she stepped through, she’s suddenly standing on a catwalk above the warehouse she’d walked into. Ellie looked down and her heart stopped at the scene below her. For the first time in almost a year, her dad stood before her. She tried to call out to him, but no sound came out. Hester, Wallace, and four other men she doesn’t recognize step out from the shadows. Again, Ellie tried to scream, warn her dad about the threat approaching behind him, but her voice is gone. Frustrated, she tried to run down to the lower level of the building, but it was like trying to move through Jello, her limbs fighting her with every movement. All she can do is watch in horror as Hester levels her handgun at the back of his head. Tears began to pour down her cheeks as she fought the invisible force holding her, screaming soundlessly in warning, but it’s no use. Helpless, Ellie watched as Hester pulled the trigger, smirking in triumph as the detective’s body fell to the floor. The sound of the gunshot reverbated in Ellie’s bones painfully, like the sound was physically breaking them and she crumpled onto the cold metal below her. Hester looked up, meeting Ellie’s wide-eyed gaze, and smiled wickedly. Before Ellie could react, the warehouse began to go up in flames around her. Hot walls of flame drifted closer and she could feel the heat on her skin. When it was almost too much to take, her world went black.

With a strangled gasp, Ellie’s eyes snapped open. It was just a dream, she told herself trying to calm her racing heart. It took several moments for her to register that she was awake, Colt’s slow breathing behind her and the warmth of his arm around her waist anchoring her back in the present. It was then she noticed the tears soaking her pillow and cheeks, wiping them away with shaking hands, she sat up and gently moved Colt’s arm to keep from waking him and put her head in her hands. Everything felt so real in the dream, the heat of the flames, the sound of the gunshot, the horror she’d felt still lingered in her mind. Remembering what she’d seen brought fresh tears to her eyes and her sniffling woke Colt up.

He reached out for her sleepily, propping himself up on one elbow. “Ellie?” He mumbled when his hand touched her back and he opened his eyes to see her sitting up. “Ellie what’s wrong?” Colt was awake in an instant when he noticed her crying. He glanced at the clock, noticing it was nearly 4am and rubbed the lingering sleep from his eyes. “Nightmare?” He asked when she didn’t answer his first question. Ellie just nodded and Colt felt his chest tighten. She’d had more and more nightmares since they’d decided to break Mona out. He could tell she was missing her dad, but this was something else, something she wouldn’t tell him. Silently, Colt got out of bed and quietly left the room.

The rest of the house was silent, the others all asleep in their rooms. Colt went into the kitchen and worked on making a cup of hot cocoa for Ellie. It had become almost a routine for them. She woke up most nights around the same time, usually in tears, but she never told him what was bothering her. Carefully carrying the mug back to their room, Colt remembered how he’d struggled with nightmares of his own for months after his dad died and how she’d held him until he stopped shaking. This was all he could do for her right now, but it wasn’t enough. It was time to push her, get her to tell him what had her so worked up. There were only a few more weeks until they’d be breaking into a literal prison, she couldn’t be trapped in her own invisible one. Neither of them could. Ellie hadn’t moved an inch from where he’d left her. Colt slowly knelt in front of her where she sat on the edge of the bed and wordlessly offered her the mug in his hands. She took it, managing a grateful half smile, and took a sip. While she drank, Colt sat next to her on the bed.

After several moments of silence, he cleared his throat to get her attention. “Elle we have to talk about what’s bothering you. You’re not sleeping, you’re barely eating, and I love you, but these 4am hot cocoa emergencies aren’t good for either of us. This has to stop.”

Ellie just stared into the brown liquid in the mug, counting and recounting the marshmallows to calm herself. Colt was afraid she wasn’t going to tell him, that she would hold this inside another night longer, but finally, she looked at him. Her eyes were red and puffy from crying, but they were dry now. “I don’t want to lose you too.” She whispered, eyes filling with tears again. Colt actually felt his heart break in his chest as he moved to sit next to her on the bed, knowing exactly how she felt, and reached out to hold her against his chest. He wrapped an arm around her shoulders and kissed the top of her head when she tucked it under his chin.

“You won’t. I told you, the plan will work. We’ll get her out, and then we’ll make those bastards pay for what they did to us.” He murmured against her hair, holding her tighter.

Ellie pulled away to look at him, running her hands over his bare shoulders. “You don’t know that. We can’t know that. I thought he’d be safe. I thought it was over. It isn’t just the job, I keep looking over my shoulder thinking I’ll see one of them. I just… I’m worried I’ll lose everyone I love.” Of all the thoughts swirling in Ellie’s head, all the pain, grief, and rage, were nothing compared to her fear of losing Colt now. She wasn’t sure when it happened but he’d become the only family she really had and losing him now was unthinkable. “We’re breaking into a prison, Colt. You could get hurt, or arrested, you could be killed.” Her voice cracked and she swallowed hard. “And even if we pull this off, Hester and Wallace are still out there…” Tears threatened to fall from her eyes again and she looked away from him.

For a long moment, Colt sat there in silence, thinking. He needed to do something, say something, but he didn’t know what. “Ellie, look at me.” He gently tilted her chin so she met his eyes again. “I can’t promise nothing bad is going to happen. I wish I could.” And he did. In that moment, Colt wished they didn’t have to do this. For the first time since the night his dad died, he considered giving up getting revenge on the Brotherhood, but he knew neither of them really could. This would haunt them both until they died or the Brotherhood was eliminated. There was no other choice. And that meant having a full crew, Mona included.

Ellie saw a vulnerability in Colt’s eyes she didn’t often see. He was scared for her and he had a right to be after the way she’d been acting the last few weeks. In that moment, Ellie realized what she wanted, no needed. “Colt…” She almost whimpered his name. He would say no, but if she didn’t ask him, she’d never know for sure. He’d surprised her before, maybe this could be one of those times. “I know this isn’t the best time, but...” Ellie hesitated again, searching his face. Colt looked at her, one eyebrow raised in concern, as he waited for her to continue. Calming her nerves with a deep breath, her next words came out in a rush. “Marry me?”

Colt’s hands froze in the middle of stroking Ellie’s hair gently. Did he hear that right? Thoughts rushed through his mind faster than any car he’d ever seen. If he said yes, what if she regretted it later? She was vulnerable, literally crying in his arms, at an ungodly hour of the morning. Despite his thoughts, he still felt a smile tugging at his lips. “You know, that’s supposed to be my line.” Colt replied, smirking at her. To his relief, Ellie laughed and leaned against him again. His other arm came up to hold her closer. “Yeah. Why the hell not? Let’s do it.”

For the first time in weeks, Ellie felt her heart swell with hope, with happiness, but she suddenly felt self-conscious. This wasn’t a small matter, this was as serious as it got. They were still young, Colt only in his early twenties and Ellie celebrated her nineteenth birthday a few months ago. Her first birthday without waking up to freshly baked cupcakes and bacon made by her dad. The thought dragged her back into her melancholy mood and she let out a shaky sigh. “Are you sure? I don’t want you to feel pressured. This isn’t exactly how I pictured this going down.” She let out a small, nervous laugh and fiddled with the hem of her shorts. “I don’t even know where that came from. I guess I just want to have something to hold on to if...if…” Ellie trailed off, unable to finish the sentence.

Colt gently pushed her back and tucked a stray bit of hair behind her ear. “I’ve never been more sure of anything. It’s not something I would’ve guessed, but if this is what you need to get through this, I’m sure as hell not going to tell you no.” Pausing a moment, Colt kissed her forehead gently and stood. “Try to get back to sleep. I’ll figure something out and come back for you later. Okay?” Ellie nodded and Colt turned to leave.

“Wait. Umm… could we maybe not tell the others about this yet? I don’t want to distract them with news this big right now.” Before he could get far, Ellie grabbed his hand and he turned back to face her. Colt smirked and gave her hand a gentle squeeze. Having this be their secret made it more special to him somehow. She was the type of girl that deserved a real white wedding, complete with DJ and decorations and flowers, the works. But until he could give her that, this could be something just between the two of them.

“Of course, Elle. Whatever you want.” Colt flashed her one more little smile and left. After he was gone, Ellie set the empty mug on her nightstand and curled up under the blankets again. She buried her face in his pillow, inhaling the faint scent of him as she finally drifted into a peaceful sleep.

Meanwhile, Colt spent most of the morning sitting on a chair near the pool, making calls to local boat tour services. The idea had come to him after some internet research on eloping. Vegas was too far, and too cliche, so he’d settled on the boat. After several dead ends, he’d found a charter that ran near Malibu. The very waters where they’d first kissed; it was perfect. Colt had only just hung up the phone when he heard the door open behind him. “Awfully early for a swim isn’t it?” Ximena spoke up as she walked over to sit beside him. As she sat, she caught a glimpse of the tour service’s website before Colt could lock his phone and she raised an eyebrow. “Planning to do some fishing?”

Colt shoved his phone in the pocket of his gym shorts with a huff. “Maybe I am.” He shrugged noncommittally, trying not to give himself away. Ximena noticed his evasion but she didn’t have time to press him more before he stood. “Did you find the car?” He asked her, referring to the gift he and Ellie had wanted to get for Mona as a surprise.

Both of Ximena’s eyebrows were raised now, noticing how quickly he tried to change the subject. Something was definitely going on. She nodded, leaning back in the chair to look at him. “Toby and I are going out to grab it later today. Logan’s coming with us too, I think.” She smirked as she implied the house would be empty all day.

Without another word, Colt nodded and headed back into the house, eager to escape further questioning about his plans. Ellie was still asleep when he came back into the room to change. He let her sleep a few more hours, taking his bike out for a spin. While he was out, he stopped at a florist and picked up a bouquet of sunflowers for her. They were her mother’s favorite and Colt knew Ellie would want something to represent her mother for this, since she couldn’t actually be there.

When he got back, he stashed the flowers in Ellie’s car for later before glancing down at the ring settled on the middle finger of his right hand. It was his high school class ring, probably three sizes too big for Ellie’s delicate fingers, but he didn’t have anything else to give her on such short notice. He felt nervous for the first time since she’d asked that question, nervous that she would see how little he had to offer her besides himself. This wasn’t the wedding she deserved, but the look in her eyes when she’d asked him made it impossible for him to say no. Colt could see how scared she was, how badly she needed that formal promise between them. He slipped the ring off and shoved his hands in the pockets of his jacket as he walked back into their bedroom. When he walked in, Ellie sat at the mirror on top of the dresser, wearing a simple white sundress while she curled her chestnut hair in a side ponytail. She looked so beautiful and when her eyes met Colt’s in the mirror, her glossy red lips broke into a smile. Colt felt the air whoosh out of his lungs as he took her in. “Damn.” He whispered hoarsely and her smile widened.

“Glad you approve.” She teased, setting the curling iron down and walking over to kiss his cheek. Her lipstick left a mark on his cheek and she laughed before wiping it off with her thumb gently. “Sorry. Forgot I was wearing makeup.” Ellie was rewarded with a smirk from him, but it quickly faded and she noticed he was fidgeting with something in his pocket. “What’ve you got there?” She asked, tilting her head to the side curiously.

Colt removed the ring with a sigh and opened his palm to show her. “Can’t get anything by you, Elle. It’s uh...It’s my class ring. I thought you should have something to remember today by, even if I can’t give you a real one just yet.” Gingerly, Ellie took the ring from his hand and turned it over in her own, examining it.

A wide grin spread across her face, her eyes lighting up. “This is corny as hell. Especially from you.” She chuckled before going to grab a simple silver chain from her jewelry box and slipping the ring onto it. “And I love it. Help me put this on?” She asked, holding the necklace out to him. Colt took it and she turned so he could fasten it. Ellie felt his fingers graze her skin as he secured the clasp and then his lips as he kissed the nape of her neck. Blushing, she turned back to him and he offered her his hand.

“You ready, Wheeler?” He smirked, glad he hadn’t come off as a complete fool for giving her that. Ellie took his hand without hesitation and the two of them headed out to her car.

After a few hours of driving, Colt and Ellie were standing on the bow of a large tour boat. Tourists walked around the deck, but the couple ignored them. Soon after the ride was underway, the captain came over to them and shook Colt’s hand. The ceremony was short, but finished just before the sun set. Ellie beamed at him, more happiness than Colt had seen in her in months, and he pulled her into a long, lingering kiss with his hands on her hips. Ellie wrapped her arms around his neck and he dipped her, strong arms supporting her as she kissed him back passionately. After several long moments, Colt pulled her back up and the whole boat cheered for them. They only had eyes for each other, though. Ellie ran her hand through his hair and rested her forehead against his as they caught their breath. Soon, the boat was docking and Colt pulled her toward the gangway by the hand with a smirk. “I think it’s time I took the new Mrs. Kaneko home.”

Ellie laughed as she trailed after him to the car. “You sure you’ll be able to make it all the way back?” Once they reached the car, she pushed him against the door and wrapped her arms around his waist. She stood on her tiptoes and kissed him fiercely, his hand immediately finding the back of her neck to pull her closer. “Thank you for doing that.” She whispered against his lips when they came up for air. “It doesn’t feel like the world is going to end. At least not right this second.”

In answer, Colt kissed her again, opening the car door behind him. He turned without breaking the kiss and guided her into the backseat. “You were right. I’m definitely not going to make it home before doing this.” He smirked before leaning down to trail kisses down her jaw to her neck. Ellie moaned as his nibbled at the spot behind her ear. She reached out and pulled him closer, fingers tugging at the belt loops of his slacks. Colt groaned as he felt her body against his, bracing one of his arms on the seat behind her head as the other hand slid up her thigh, pushing the skirt of her dress up her legs. He sucked gently at the sensitive skin where her neck and shoulder met, surely leaving a small bruise there, and Ellie squirmed under him. With a cocky smirk, Colt immediately pulled back to look at her. “Guess I’m not the only one who’s impatient.” He teased, slowly working her dress up and over her head as his hands ran along her skin. When his gaze traveled back down her body, his breath hitched in his throat, all trace of his usual overconfidence wiped from his face. “And apparently you came prepared.” He finally spoke, voice hoarse as he noticed she’d neglected to put on underwear before leaving the house.

Ellie bit her lip as he leaned down, kissing a blazing path up her inner thigh. “I’m nothing if not prepared.” She wanted nothing more than for his lips to finish their journey where she wanted them most, but she gently pushed him back by the shoulder. “But you seem to be overdressed for the occasion, dear husband.” Ellie mirrored his earlier smirk as she reached for the buttons of his shirt, popping them open as quickly as she could with trembling fingers. Colt watched, one eyebrow raised, as she struggled but made no move to help. Soon, his shirt and suit jacket were tossed to join her dress in the front seat. Next, she tugged at his belt again, pulling him as close as she could while undoing the belt and zipper. “Much better.” Ellie sighed, leaning up to kiss his chest, up to his neck as her hand drifted to the waistband of his boxers. Her fingers slipped past the barrier and teased him with light touches.

“Jesus, Elle.” Colt mumbled into her shoulder, trying to compose himself. His lips found hers, kissing her desperately as his hips rocked against her hand. His hands found the small of her back, holding her tightly. “You’re not playing fair, but neither am I.” At his words, his fingers slipped inside her, moving much slower than Ellie wanted. She moaned impatiently and arched into him, her own hand freezing for a moment before pulling away from him to snap at the waistband of his underwear. Taking the hint, Colt freed his other hand to push them down, his fingers still moving slowly in and out of her and driving her crazy.

Ellie’s hands slid up his chest, nails gently scraping across his abs, and gripped his shoulders. “Colt, I-I need-” Her words cut off as she tried and failed to hold back a loud moan.

“Shhh. I know. But you gotta be quiet. This isn’t exactly a private parking garage.” Colt replied, covering her mouth with his. Ellie whimpered against his lips as he removed his fingers, but they were soon replaced by his length and she bit down on his lower lip to keep quiet. “God this never gets old.” He whispered, kissing down her jaw. Colt’s hand slid down her thigh and hooked it around his waist as he increased their tempo until Ellie started seeing stars dance across her eyelids and his legs began to shake with the effort. “Open your eyes Elle. Look at me.” He growled, pressing rough kisses along her collarbone before meeting her eyes as they fluttered open. Confident Ellie was now a puddle in his arms and he would’ve smirked in satisfaction if she wasn’t driving him crazy. The eye contact was enough to push them both over the edge and Colt’s legs gave out, his warm body settling on top of hers.

They laid like that for several minutes, foreheads pressed together as they caught their breath. Colt rolled them so she laid on his chest and held her close, pressing a kiss to her temple. Once she’d composed herself, Ellie glanced around at the foggy windows and scattered clothing and laughed before pressing her face into his neck. “Well that’s one way to celebrate. Now the getaway car is going to stink of sex. We’ll never hear the end of it.”

Colt let out a surprised chuckle, running a hand through her hair. “Worth it. But we should probably get back.” With one more lingering kiss to her lips, he sat up and retrieved her dress from the passenger seat before helping her into it. Once they were both dressed, they rode back to Fresno in contented silence, Ellie fiddling with the ring around her neck and Colt’s free arm wrapped around her shoulders.

Two weeks later, Colt gathered everyone in the garage of the house to go over the plan one more time. Tonight was the night, and the nervous energy was palpable in the small room. “Okay. Is everyone clear on what they’re doing?” There were hesitant nods all around. Ellie’s hand found his and squeezed tightly. “Alright, load up. We leave in ten.” The group dispersed, Ximena’s gaze lingering on the couple curiously for a few moments before going back in the house to finish helping Toby pack his equipment. Once they were alone, Colt led Ellie into the small office attached to the garage where her laptop waited.

Ellie fidgeted nervously with the hem of her red leather jacket and she avoided eye contact with Colt, pretending to be occupied with setting up. He let her distract herself, giving her time to compose herself as he knew how hard it was for her to send him on this job without her. “Okay. Here’s your earpiece.” She said after she’d connected it to the satellite uplink the way Toby had showed her earlier. He took it and slid it into his ear while Ellie rubbed her upper arms anxiously. “I’ll watch the security cams and keep you away from the guards as best I can, but…”

“I’ll be careful, sweetheart. I promise.” Colt reached for her, holding her close for a moment. “I’ll see you in a few hours.” He pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead and then a firmer one to her lips. “Mrs. Kaneko.” He smirked against her lips. Taking a deep breath, Ellie looked into his eyes offered him the best confident smile she could manage.

“I know. We can do this.” She still sounded a little unsure but the resolve on her face was all the assurance he needed. “See you soon.” She kissed his cheek one more time and stood in the doorway to watch as the four others departed in her car. Once they were out of sight, Ellie sat at the desk and clicked through several screens, using the spare time to make sure she was ready. On the screen, she found the camera directed at Mona’s cell. The older girl was stretched casually on her bed, one arm behind her head. It was the first time Ellie had seen her since she’d taken that bullet. Resolve hardened in Ellie’s eyes as she took in the broken expression on her friend’s face. “Hold on just a little longer, Mona. We’re coming for you.”

Tags: @poeticscolt @courtesan-of-garage @nazariortega @lovehugsandcandy @maxwellsquidsuit @brightpinkpeppercorn @i-only-signed-up-for-fanfiction @postcardfromsomewhere @walkerduchess @zaira-oh-zaira @umiumichan @long-gone-girl @leelee10898 @client-327 @desiree-0816 @choicesarehard @liamzigmichael4ever

#choices #choices rod #colt #colt x mc #colt kaneko x mc #colt kaneko #playchoices #ns*w #30 diamond scene #mine

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beardyallen · 6 years

Text

Well, that went quickly...

What day is it? I’m starting to lose track of how long I’ve been here...

Well, it’s been a week since my last post, and it seems that a lot must have happened, but honestly I feel like I’ve just been cranking through a bunch of comic books.

But I do know that Friday and Saturday involved a good deal excitement, so I guess we had might as well pick up pretty much where we left off!

Last Friday was Orientation for ICB, which meant getting all of the 35-40 instructors, 10 staff members, and the 6-8 people in charge of this program together in a room to introduce us to...basically what we’d been doing all that week. Also, aside from a couple study-abroad-undergrads and my officemate and me, everyone there had probably already heard the spiel.

It was scheduled from 5p-6p with a buffett afterwards, but a bunch of the Communications people from my floor were going out to eat (again?) afterwards, so I made plans with NR. She wanted to try this Mexican restaurant in what I’ll describe as the “international district” of Beijing. Most everything around us when we got there looked like it belonged in literally every metropolitan area in the world. Every major brand you can imagine had a store. Multiple. Too many...

But the Mexican restaurant we visited is owned and managed by a Mexican expat, apparently. He even stopped by our table to ask how the food was, and let me tell you: that quesadilla was the BOMB!!! And the margarita was pretty good (not as good as MHO’C’s, though!). By the time we finished up dinner, it was kind of late, so we wondered around the shopping center, found a bookstore. You know: the usual.

Fun fact: when a store or restaurant wants to indicate to their patrons that they are getting ready to close, they play smooth jazz and turn the lights down. Like for real. Had their not been windows open to the pavilion outside with it’s hundreds of light displays, I would have been seriously concerned when the lights in the place just went out and Kenny G popped up on the speakers.

We entertained the idea of finding the cinema nearby to see Alita Battle Angel, but during the 15 minutes that we spent wondering around in search of the complex, it seemed to elude us. Plus it was getting close to that time when the subway shuts down, and I wasn’t exactly hankering for a taxi ride this early in my stay....if at all.

The next morning, I got up early to meet back up with NR at the National Museum near the Forbidden City. Now, for the most part, the stairs I get don’t bother me. But I will say, if you’re going to stair at the pasty white guy with a hard-to-describe-its-color-accurately-beard, maybe don’t do it when you’re going 15 mph on a bike, facing in the wrong direction! *sigh.....Some people’s kids...

But what really bothered me, especially at the time, was the father-of-three who straight-up filmed me on his phone from 5 feet away for a solid 6 minutes, three hallways, and two escalators! I get it, I’m funny looking. But I really think I a picture would have done just fine...

One of the things that bothered me the most about that experience was that (a) he had a shit-eating grin plastered on his face, (b) his daughters seemed rather embarrassed, (c) he filmed me with the screen aimed at me so I could watch myself on his phone, (d) there was text on the screen, and (e) it went on for a solid 6 minutes.

In hindsight, I was wearing sunglasses and a hat, in a subway system, in the morning, heading to the center of Beijing. Maybe he thought I was a celebrity? I had spoken to a Communications graduate student the other day who happens to be black, and he told me the story of how a citizen here pull out their phone with a picture of Samuel L. Jackson on it, and gestured to him as it to ask if it were him...even though SLJ is for sure at 70 years old and this kid is no more than 35. And he looks 25. #smh

Anyway, after dealing with whatever the hell that was, I got to visit the museum! They, for whatever reason, were not allowing people to bring their charging blocks into the museum (external battery that you can use to charge your cell phone and other devices on-the-go), but more surprising to me was just how many people carried one with them! At least, it was surprising until I took a moment to think about it. As I’ve mentioned before, basically every payment made in Beijing is through WeChat, which needs internet access, so I guess it shouldn’t be too surprising. You also really can’t navigate through the city with some sort of Maps app; there are just too many bus routes, train routes, terminals and stops to keep logged in your head.

As far as the museum itself goes, the gifts to China from foreign governments exhibit and the Ancient China exhibit themselves took most of the day. Also, no surprise: the gift that took up the most floor space was given by a U.S. President. I also got a refresher in 8th Grade Social Studies. Too many small countries to remember all of them, and that space made me feel somewhat moronic.

The Ancient China exhibit was exceptional, though. They broke up the last, oh...750,000 years of human-ish life in China into 8-10 separate eras, the first few cataloguing the life and evolution of Homo erectus pekinensis into Homo sapien, while the latter eras were segregated dynastically. I’ve never seen the progression of human evolution laid out in such detail! The rock tools became better rock tools, then pottery and paper, stamps, buildings and so much more! There were even ceremonial helmets that would put the Juggernaut to shame!

It was strange, though, to have all of this knowledge just beyond my fingertips both literally and figuratively. The literal sense isn’t too shocking, as I’ve been to a museum before and know not to touch the pieces, but to have placards written in a language that would take years to learn was frustrating. Fortunately, NR has a never-ending supply of patience, and she translated much of the text. She even quizzed me on several of the characters. I’ve worked out how to write “rock” for sure.

After the museum, we wondered over to a nearby mall that, honestly, puts the Mall of America to shame. No joke. This place was huge! It just kept going and going and going! There was a particular alley that has all of the “exotic foods” that you might see on The Amazing Race, which I haven’t tried yet but intend to, but the rest is mostly-outdoor shopping center. Our reason for being there was to find food (we had been in the museum for a bit over 7 hours), and then sit our fine asses down in a movie theater to watch Alita.

We found a restaurant that served food traditionally found where NR grew up. It was exceptional. And the beer just made it better. :P

The movie experience was something else entirely. I’ve gotten used to watching television and movies with subtitles so that, when people decide to talk to me, I can follow along with both bits. Or if people are just talking near me while I’m watching television, I don’t have to rewind the show. That helped a lot; the movie was still spoken in English, but there were Chinese subtitles. I recognized the Chinese character for “1″ frequently enough, but that was about it.

The movie itself was way more than I expected. I shouldn’t be surprised, given that one of the primary characters is played by Christoph Waltz. If you haven’t seen it yet, you should definitely consider it.

Also, additional fun fact: I’m thinking that most (if not all) showings of major motion pictures here are in 3D. *shrug* Side note: we’re going to see Captain Marvel tomorrow and I’M SO FREAKIN’ EXCITED!!!!

After the movie, we wandered back to the subway station and parted ways mid-subway-ride to head home. The next day I spent playing Kingdom Hearts 3 and sipping some beer in the 3rd Floor Lounge. All day. It was blissful.

This workweek has consisted of four main things: teaching responsibilities, a bit of dissertation work, trying out another one of the cafeterias on campus, and reading comic books. Oh, and beer. But that kind of goes without saying, doesn’t it? There’s a convenience store on the other side of the building in front of the Guest House that has cans of beer. You can buy them individual for 3 yuan, or roughly 45 cents. I won’t lie to you: I bought 12 of them and it didn’t cost me more than 6 bucks. And it’s really not bad, and even more convenient than the liquor store I lived by in Denver.

Anyway, as I said, I’m going to see Captain Marvel tomorrow, then to “W-Town” (originally Watertown...so glad they shortened it...) in northern Beijing, which sits at the base of part of the Great Wall. More than 20 people from ICB will be heading up to their on Saturday, so I imagine one of them will take pictures. Probably ML or S. So you’ll have those to look forward to since you know I won’t be taking any!

Oh!!! I almost forgot the biggest thing that happened this week! Actually, it might be the biggest news of my entire stay!!!

I did laundry.

And I washed my slippers. I’m not convinced that they’ve stopped smelling, but I’m holding out hope that I’ve finally figured out how to resolve an issue that I know humanity has been seriously struggling with for decades. I’m on the verge of a breakthrough, people, I swear!

Anyway, time to finish this beer, read a bit more of Scott Lynch’s Republic of Thieves (WE FINALLY FIND OUT ABOUT SABETHA!!!!), and head to bed. Big couple of days ahead...

Sláinte,

BeardyAllen

P.S. I bet you thought I was gonna forget! After class on Wednesday, I worked out how to make a phone call from here to the States to wish my Mom a Happy BIrthday. Caught her at work, and we got to chat for a good long while. It really put a nice cap on my evening, and it seemed it gave her a good start to her day. Anyway, I hope you had a great evening, found something nice at C&B and enjoyed that glass of wine you mentioned! Love you!!

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honeybammie · 6 years

Text

seoul › kim namjoon

↳ in which you leave your heart in seoul, seven thousand miles away from new york city ↳ angst, but ends in fluff? sorta? you’ll see

Moving seven thousand miles away from Namjoon was the hardest thing I ever did, but in the end, I had no choice. I would’ve stayed with him in Seoul if I had been rejected from the top film school in New York, but the day my acceptance letter came in the mail, our the time left in our relationship was no more than a few grains left in the hourglass.

“I’ll wait for you,” he tried to say, but four years apart to a couple of eighteen-year-olds was practically a lifetime, and whether or not I’d ever return to Korea was one of the biggest questions of all, especially when cities like New York and Los Angeles might’ve given me a lifetime of opportunity. I broke both of our hearts and turned them into shattered pieces, and for months afterwards I pricked myself on the jagged edges that remained.

We stayed in touch for a year, perhaps, but distance and time are a lethal combination, and fresh heartache faded to a bitter taste in the back of my throat. Gradually, we stopped answering each other’s calls, fabricating excuses that we had been too busy or too tired, but we were only too tired of pretending we could be friends.

His features faded from time. His dimpled cheeks and dainty, sloped nose blurred among eight million faces, and with Seoul’s even larger population, Namjoon undoubtedly felt the same about me. I fell into bed with new people, as would he. I found new coffee shops and places to buy my clothes, as would he.

By the time my junior year rolled around, I stopped missing him. My phone number changed. I cut my hair, bought my own apartment with two close college friends, assimilated to the city as if I had never come from Seoul in the first place.

My greatest accomplishment was in filming, as I always hoped. Professors dipped my short productions in praise, and I scored myself a paid internship at a nearby film studio. On the internet, I attracted a small—but growing—community who motivated me to release more. Whoever first coined New York as the city that never sleeps hadn’t been joking. There was no time to sleep, between classes and the internship and filming new videos and keeping my roommates in check while trying my damnedest to maintain a normal social life.

Graduation made the juggling process easier, but hardly. The studio hired me full-time with a generous starting salary, but if we were filming, I might be at work for twelve, fourteen hours. Art is art and the artist drives himself mad in pursuit, and I was no different, but maybe it would be nice to sleep again. My roommates pointed out that they’d go weeks without seeing me, like I was a ghost in our apartment. All traces that I had been there were still present—unmade bed, empty shampoo bottles, half-eaten dinners shoved into Tupperware containers—but I had not been truly present in some time.

I was happy, but I missed interaction. The artist may think he can live off merely his art, but he will eventually realize he is human, too, and second to oxygen, he needs other humans.

Which is why I didn’t think twice when my parents asked me to fly into Seoul for a week during the summer. They usually visited New York a couple times a year, but they were growing older and the flights were taking bigger tolls on them, so I filled in. A trip home might alleviate some of my stress anyway, and I’d have the chance to meet with friends I hadn’t seen in half a decade.

The only problem with travelling a fourteen-hour time difference was the jet-lag. My first day, I passed out on the couch at two in the afternoon. The smell was comforting and reminded me of childhood and the nostalgia became a lullaby that rocked me to sleep in the middle of a conversation with my mother. She let me be, covering me with a blanket and preparing a cup of tea for when I woke.

I tried to sleep again in the evening. My parents went to bed at midnight, but I tossed and turned for an hour to no avail. Luckily, there was always one person I could call at 1AM and expect an answer every time: Jung Hoseok.

He picked me up not twenty minutes later, shouting on my front porch about how many years it had been and how my face matured and how hot I looked. I shushed him when a neighbor’s dog started barking, and he yanked me into his car.

“Have you talked to Jimin yet? Or Yoongi? They wonder about you all the time,” he gushed. “We’ve seen all of your videos on YouTube, and we placed bets on how old you’ll be when you become a millionaire. I said twenty-seven, so you still have a few years, but you should probably start planning as soon as you can.”

Hoseok fired a million questions a minute, hardly granting me the opportunity to answer, but he made up for it by constantly making me laugh. Even when I tried to glare at him at a slightly-too-personal inquiry, he smirked at me out of the corner of his eye, and I forgave him in an instant. He was always the biggest personality in the room, and he was on his way to opening the dance studio he had always dreamed of as a teenager.

“Can you believe it? We’re both achieving everything we ever dreamed of!” he beamed.

“Well…sort of,” I said with a shrug, and he almost swerved into oncoming traffic as he whipped his head to stare at me in shock. “What? Don’t kill us, Hoseok.”

“You’re living the New York dream life. You’re making short movies and you have your own growing fan base. Isn’t that what you wanted?”

“Of course, but…it’s lonely sometimes, and my roommates and I still talk, but our friendship has faded since college. I’d prefer you, Yoongi, and Jimin a hundred times over.”

“None of us would complain if you moved back,” he suggested. “If you needed a place to stay, your parents would surely let you, or you’re welcome to live with me. I’m in a one-bedroom right now, but we’d figure something out, and—”

“That isn’t what I meant,” I interrupted. “I gave up everything to be able to make a life in New York, and I’m doing it. I’m making good money. The apartment is nice enough. I—”

“You can make good money and get a nice apartment in Seoul,” Hoseok said. “I’m not asking you to give up your life, but if you aren’t as happy there as you always thought you’d be, maybe it’s time to reevaluate your decision. That’s all. Do you want to get some drinks?”

“Do you mind if we get drinks another night?” I asked, never one to tear him away from a party, but I hadn’t walked the city streets in so long that I missed them, and I didn’t want to forget my first night home after winding up black-out drunk in the back of Hoseok’s car. “Show me the city. What’s new? What hasn’t changed?”

“Right. I have a place for you, and luckily, we’re pretty close,” he said, taking the next left. “Remember that underground music venue we always used to go to? They sold old records and sometimes featured live artists sometimes?”

I nodded.

“It’s gotten pretty popular over the years. One of their guys seems to be on the cusp of making it big, so the crowd might be a little bigger,” he warned.

“I’ve lived in two of the biggest cities in the world. Crowds don’t scare me,” I said. “Are you sure we’ll be able to make it inside, though?”

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure,” he said, parking his car on the side of the road and leading me a couple blocks down vaguely familiar streets. The memories came back to me—buying school supplies from that store over there, or makeup from the place on the corner because I wanted to impress my peers. There were a couple places I didn’t recognize at all.

“Is this the line?” I asked at the sight of fifty or so people—mostly in their twenties—standing around the venue Hoseok and I used to slip into with little more than a five minute wait. “How aren’t they at capacity?”

“They’ve had to expand, and with the expansion they introduced VIP passes for a few of the regulars,” Hoseok said, digging a card out of his pocket as he strolled passed the waiting swath of people like he owned the entire place.

“Are you sure that’ll get me in?” I worried, but he merely waved his hand at me.

“Jin!” Hoseok greeted the worker, who I somewhat remembered was a couple years older than me in school, but I never spoke to him. Apparently he and Hoseok were well acquainted.

“Hoseok! Who is your friend?” Jin asked, but upon closer inspection his eyes widened in recognition. “I remember you! You moved to New York, right? Hoseok mentions you all the time.”

“Yeah, it’s great.” I forced myself to chuckle a little, trying my best to be polite. “Is it alright that I cut in front of all these people?”

“Normally, I’d say no, but I get the feeling Hoseok would never let me hear the end of it,” Jin tsked. Hoseok laid down a few bills in front of him, and Jin nodded for us to head inside, down the steps.

The bar was larger, equipped with more shimmering glasses than ever, and the standing area had easily doubled in size, perhaps tripled, which a slightly lifted stage whereas singers used to stand eye-to-eye with their audience. A dim light bathed the space in red.

“Red?” I said aloud. “Sexy.”

“Or angry,” Hoseok proposed, spending the next fifteen or so minutes chatting my ear off while people filled in around us. We weren’t near the front, but the view was good enough regardless, and in the event I would need to make a hasty exit, we were close to the stairs.

There was no warning that anyone was about to walk onto the stage. No announcement to introduce his presence was made, but the crowd knew. The shouting leveled to a murmur in the moments leading up to the grand reveal.

Then they erupted. One glimpse, and they became an entire stadium of fans, hands stretched into the air while lungs strained for breath.

But for my heart, the moment was anything but worthy of celebration.

If I thought Namjoon was handsome five years ago, he was breathtaking now, with the same sloped nose and dimples, but he matured into his features and his new confidence hit me full force. He changed his hair, too. Just like me.

But he was so, so angry. With the world. Sometimes with his friends or himself, but mostly with me.

“Why would you bring me here?” I shoved Hoseok’s arm. “What makes you think I’d want to see him, of all people?”

He narrowed his eyes, still moving with the music. “You broke up when you were eighteen. I thought you’d be over it by now and might want to see that he’s making something of himself, too.”

“I’m over it, but are you even listening to him? Half of these songs have been about me.”

“You were a big influence on his music. Don’t you think it’s kind of flattering?” Hoseok argued. “Most of the ones about you are from years ago, anyway, but he’s got to keep performing the fan favorites. Heartbreak resonates with people.”

He made complete sense, but that didn’t mean I wanted to admit that or stand and listen to the words coming out of Namjoon’s mouth.

“I’ll be back in a few minutes,” I said, winding my way to the steps. I shut myself in the upper-level bathroom, where the voices downstairs were muffled and thus unintelligible.

Namjoon enrolled in a music school in Seoul, always praying that he’d be that one-in-a-million to make his music known on a global stage. He sang me to sleep so many times and rapped with more passion than most professionals. I believed in him more than myself, and he was on his way, but hearing the vehemence that backed his words made me hate him so slightly.

When others started coming into the bathroom at a quicker rate, I realized the music had ended. I exited to find the crowd filing their way out. How long had I been hiding?

“There you are.” Hoseok took my arm and pulled me towards him. “I started to think you left without me. Look, if I crossed a line by bringing you here—”

“How can I talk to him?” I blurted out, unaware that I had even thought of the question, but it was out in the open.

“You’re sure you want to do that?” he asked, giving me the chance to back out, but I nodded my head. “You know you aren’t allowed to hit him, right?”

“Yes, now please tell me, or I might hit you,” I threatened.

“Go back downstairs. Off the side of the stage, there’s a hall. He’ll be in the room on the end,” Hoseok said, handing me the VIP card. “There’s a guard. Show him this.”

“Thank you. Wait here.” I snatched the card and hurried back to the basement, following Hoseok’s set of instructions until my hand was on the doorknob of Namjoon’s room. What do you say to your ex-boyfriend who just performed several rap songs about your break-up to several hundred people?

Apparently, you don’t have to speak first anyway.

I only step halfway into the room when he catches my reflection in the mirror. The ice pack he was pressing to his neck falls to the floor, and he’s on his feet faster than if I’d told him the building was about to collapse.

“You’re here,” he breathes. “I saw you in the crowd, but you left, and I thought you were gone for good. Again.”

Again. I wince at the word. “Clearly you had a lot to say about me, so I came to give you the chance to say it to my face. If you hated me so much, why—”

“No, no, no, no.” He crosses half the floor in a few steps but stops in the middle of the room because he remembers that he can’t wrap his arms around me anymore when I need the comfort. “Those songs were all written years ago. Three, four, or five years, and they aren’t the only ones I wrote. I have sappy ballads and about a dozen songs titled ‘I Miss You’ and I can perform those at the breakfast café, but this isn’t the crowd for that.”

“A breakfast café?” I ask. He nods. “How many venues do you have booked?”

“Depends how many openings a place has—sometimes two or three, but other times up to six,” he says, attempting to mask his pride, but he glows a little brighter.

“So you aren’t angry all the time?”

He rocks his head side to side. “No,” he decides. “I’m angry some of the time, but isn’t everyone?”

“So you’re happy?” I ask. “This is what you want, right?”

This question is, evidently, more difficult to answer. “I’m…happy with the music, sure. And the fans,” he supposes. “There’s talk that I might go to a couple cities around the country and do a few performances, but we’ll see.”

“What about your friends? Your social life?” I ask. “How’re those things?”

“You care?” he wonders, and I nod. “I have a few people I’ve been working with, and they’re all great. They’re so passionate about getting me off the ground, and I love them, but I miss having actual friends sometimes, and going out for drinks, or seeing concerts.”

“Filming has been kind of the same way for me,” I admit. “Weird, don’t you think? How we both went after what we wanted, but one year after graduating, we’re both stuck already.”

“I’ve seen your work. It’s phenomenal,” he mumbles, rubbing his neck. “I tried to text you about it once, but you must’ve gotten a new number and I didn’t want to bother you.”

“We both bothered each other, don’t you think?” I ask, recalling how we mutually drifted apart after all the missed calls and unread messages. “We weren’t capable of being friends. It took me two years to stop missing you.”

“What about the last three years? Do you ever think of me?”

“I…sometimes.” I shrug, unsure of myself. “When I talk about high school, you’re usually in the mix, or sometimes when I smell peppermint I think of your house, but I had to move on eventually. We both did.”

“Right, right,” he says, nodding in agreement. “But…I would’ve still loved you, you know?”

“You would’ve?” I ask. “That doesn’t even make any sense.”

“It does. If you stayed here, or if you asked me to wait for you like I offered, I think we could’ve done it.” His stage personality starts to fade and I recognize a younger, shyer Namjoon who figured out how to love someone with his whole heart when he was sixteen years old and spent two years doing anything and everything to make me happy, which included letting me break his heart and move across the world.

“But I didn’t stay, and I didn’t ask you to wait,” I say, “so the question isn’t a matter of whether you would’ve loved me, but a matter of if you still do.”

“I beg to differ. It’s not a matter of if I do, but of if I can,” he corrects me. “Because I can’t be in love with someone seven thousand miles away. Not again.”

“Haven’t we been over this before?” I mutter. Five years ago, I said the same things. I couldn’t survive a relationship and distance, so I chose the latter.

“When you said you weren’t sure you’d ever come back, but here you are,” he says, gesturing to me and he was giving us both a little more hope than we knew what to do with, bringing forth all the memories of when we were just teenagers in love and what could possibly be more convincing than that? Didn’t we deserve that again?

“My entire life is over there.” I shake my head. “How long has it been since we last spoke? And you’re talking about being in love? We have to most past this eventually.”

“You were the one who asked me if I still love you,” he points out. “Do you still love me?”

Of course I do.

The thought springs into existence as easy as air, even if it had been years since I last thought it. I’d always love him, even when I hated him so slightly.

“Does it matter?” I ask, pushing the feelings down, down, down into the pit of my stomach. “You said you can’t be in love with someone seven thousand miles away, and I can’t, either. That’s why we broke up.”

“But you aren’t seven thousand miles away right now.”

“So what? I’m here for a week,” I sigh at my growing headache. Namjoon always had been one to throw aside logic in a desperate attempt to keep what he wanted.

“Then we have a week,” he says.

“You’re out of your mind,” I tell him, but he knew that already. He had to.

“Maybe, but you aren’t saying no.” He catches onto me, and I swear at him in my head. “You haven’t walked out, either, which you used to do when you didn’t agree with me.”

“Storming out of rooms is too teenager-esque for me,” I say, but he’s crossing the room again. I either want to slap or kiss him, but I’ll figure it out for sure in the moment. “You really think we can pretend this is a good idea for a week?”

He nods. “I really do.”

“Good enough for me.”

I grab the collar of his shirt with both hands and pull him to me, his lips meeting mine in a less than graceful collision but our love had never been pretty in the first place.

In a week, I’ll regret the decision. I’ll hate myself for kissing him. I’ll hate myself for asking to see him. I’ll hate myself for turning down Hoseok’s offer to drink ourselves into a stupor, or for leaving my parents’ house in the first place, but not yet. Not when Namjoon is standing right in front of me and his hands are in my hair and we’re eighteen again.

For the next six days, we have all the time in the world.

a/n: have i mentioned how much i love kim namjoon bc i love him with my entire heart that’s all

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