#documentation of a very weird book month

[sorryimananti-romantic]

saurrr what do we need to do to get that deleted scene??? 👀🤲🏼

beg.

LJHDFJGHKJ KIDDING you asked and i shall serve with not only the deleted scene but two bonus scenes:

from the fic guerrilla (serialkiller!dr.yunho x writer!reader)

wc: 4k

notes: surgeon yunho who just so happens to be a serial killer (a vigilante with morals if you must), reader is a writer working on gory crime fiction novels, they are housemates, fluffy stuff, talks about therapy, questionable morals, honestly very questionable morals, smut at the end (minors and anyone not comfortable with dark themes do not interact with the third section

"oh, you're home. almost didn't hear you," you said when you spotted yunho coming down the stairs. in the past few months, you had learned quite a few habits of his, one being that he could be as silent as a feather at times.

which was a bit scary, but you supposed it was just a natural skill of his.

"of course you didn't. you were humming something while you cooked," yunho stood near the counter, looking around and you muttered a silent curse- no wonder you didn't hear him. "need help?"

"yeah, if you could just set the table," you said and yunho obeyed instantly, taking out the utensils and scooping the dishes while you told him about your day- mail arrived, you befriended a stray cat that has now found home in your backyard, you went shopping for grocery today and got the stuff yunho had requested you to buy for him.

and while you ate, yunho said his thanks for saving him a trip to the grocery store and told you about his day- he went to assist a professor from his previous job in a complicated surgery upon his request. you told him he looked fond of that professor and he admitted that he owed most of his surgery skills to him and he often called him to assist him.

and just like that, you finished your meals and you started clearing the kitchen and washing the dishes while he went to the backyard to bring the laundry inside. it was the weekend and you wondered if yunho would join you in the living room just to hang out or watch something. or would he be too tired and just say goodnight and leave?

he stayed. he slumped down on the couch and took out his phone, probably responding to texts. you silently joined on the other end and turned on your laptop which opened to your document and reminded you of the question that had been looming over your head the entire day. you glanced at yunho but he seemed absorbed in his phone and you sighed- maybe you'll just ask him tomorrow-

"is something the matter?"

he didn't have to be that observant. you straightened. "nothing. just wanted to ask you something related to the book- but it can wait."

"you can ask me, y/n."

"you seem busy and tired, though..." your voice faltered when he shot you with a challenging look.

"never too busy for your weird questions."

"oh," you laughed a little and when he set his phone aside to focus on you, you stifled a satisfactory smile. "okay, so remember what i told you last time? the cop who's also a criminal, he's targeting the main character- the detective now. he finally baits her into entering the abandoned warehouse where she thought she would find some druggies."

"yes, and the warehouse doesn't have much space to run because of the abundance of shelves so when she's looking around, she keeps thinking she's hearing something- which is actually the criminal riling her up and waiting for the perfect opportunity to strike."

"yes," you smiled. "now, he's going to attack, and another unfortunate cop who accompanied our detective is going to get killed by him while trying to protect the detective. so that gets the detective all messed up in her head and she's lost her gun but there's a dagger lying on the floor- remember the dagger i showed you for reference?"

yunho nodded and you continued. "the detective aims to hurt the criminal, not kill, but the lines must be blurred so when she is questioned about her motives, she wonders if she actually intended to kill the man."

"because there's the fact that the criminal is her colleague and that could have worsened her anger. she might have actually wanted to kill him," yunho recalls.

"exactly," you shift in your position so your legs are tucked under you. "now... where would the detective stab him? self defense, anger, confusion, all these elements."

yunho hummed in thought, his eyes running all over your body. something you had noticed that whenever he answered one of your questions, he would envision them on you. that might have made you a flustered mess in the beginning when his eyes would fixate on a spot on your body but it didn't really bother you anymore- you supposed as a surgeon, he got lost in vivid imagination or something.

"there's quite a few ways we could achieve that, but i think if you can narrow it down, it might help."

"somewhere near the heart? throat? something that would disarm the criminal immediately," you said.

yunho nodded slowly, his eyes fixated on your neck now and you subconciously adjusted your shirt. he finally met your eyes. "i think this spot might do the trick."

yunho fisted his hand but outstretched the index finger. "suppose this is the tip of your dagger, right? you would want to stab right here," he turned his hand to touch the space between his collarbones. "this spot is tricky because for males and females, it's not the same."

"oh?" you touched that same spot on yourself. "how so?"

"males usually have a thicker clavicle," yunho explained, stretching the collar of his shirt to expose his collarbones. "the gap between the two may be wider but it's definitely easier to stab a man here than a woman."

you touched your own collarbones for reference in confusion and when yunho had enough of your struggling, he scooted closer and touched the space between your collarbones with his finger. "this part. v-shaped, right? it's a bit straighter for men. so if your criminal was a woman, i'd have you stab them... right here," yunho trailed his finger up and dug it in that spot. you nodded. "the clavicle is a bit narrower in females too," he trailed his finger along your collarbones. "and positioned at a more diagonal angle-"

he didn't realise when he started rambling but when he met your eyes, he found them wider than usual and your lips parted, and only then did he realise the proximity between you two. you gulped and he felt that movement on his finger still situated on your skin and his own lips parted in surprise, his mind going black when your gaze fell down there.

and if that damned phone hadn't buzzed repeatedly, he would have done something about you. he definitely would have, ignoring all his strict rules, because there was no way you didn't feel a certain way about him. he was sure you did, especially now. especially when he drew back to check his phone and heard you let out a deep breath. you had been holding your breath all this time.

"i, uh... i have to take this call," he pursed his lips.

"of course," you nodded.

"i hope that cleared your confusion?" yunho dared to ask and when you stifled a smirk, he got his answer.

-------------------------------------------

[bonus scene that takes place after the big revelation]

it's been a long time since you woke up feeling like there was a weight on your chest, unable to breathe properly, hair matted to your face and your head spinning.

a nightmare. no-

a memory.

you checked the time- it was almost 4. you shook your head- maybe you should have pushed yourself to stay awake until you passed out so you could have a dreamless sleep. you always slept better when you were tired- not the healthiest habit, but that was how you overcame your sleeping struggles as a teen when your father passed away.

would you have to do this all over again?

you managed to walk to the toilet to wash your face, staring at the sink for the longest time and letting the water run through your hands as if it could wash away the weight of what you had done before finally snapping out of it and turning the tap off, exiting the toilet to go to the kitchen. you took a deep breath and sat yourself on a stool in the kitchen, taking small sips from your glass.

you could not go back to sleep now. not anytime soon.

you briefly wondered when yunho got home- was he home yet? lately, you had been going to sleep at odd times so you didn't run into him much, but you couldn't sleep for long- you would always wake up, just like you did tonight. the nightmares were plaguing your rest hours-

the glass slipped from your hand and crashed on the floor loudly, making you squeal a little. you winced at how loud it sounded in the dead hours of the night and you tried to find a spot on the floor that was not covered with shards- how exactly were you going to put your feet on the floor with all the glass around you-

"y/n? is everything okay?"

you sighed internally. "did i wake you up? i'm sorry, the glass just slipped."

yunho turned on a light and surveyed the mess. "stay right there, okay? don't move- i'll get the broom."

you nodded and waited until he started cleaning the shards from around you, making sure he got everything and then running to your room quickly to get your slippers. you thanked him, taking the broom and dustpan from him this time, spotting a tiny shard at the other end of the kitchen.

"were you asleep? did i wake you up?"

"i got home like, an hour ago," yunho said. "was just scrolling a bit. are you okay, though? you look pale."

"yeah, i'm okay," you put the broom in a corner and washed your hands. when you dried them and turned, you noticed yunho watching you intently. "what?"

"did you have a nightmare or something?"

he always knew. somehow, he always saw through you.

"is it that obvious?" you let out a short laugh. "do i look like a mess?"

"i mean..." yunho stifled a smile. "you usually do look like a hot mess..."

"lovely to hear that," you nodded and he grinned, stepping forward and encasing you in his arms as he peered down at you.

"won't you talk to me about it?"

"what's there to talk about?" you cocked your head and yunho's heart sank a little at the way your eyes went blank. "i killed a man, yunho. again. of course i will have to live with the consequences now."

yunho licked his dry lips and he knew you had zoned out at the way your gaze was fixated on his face. "can i ask you something?"

it took you a moment to come back to your senses and nod. yunho took a deep breath. "do you regret killing the man who almost killed your father?"

"everything went wrong after i did that-"

"but if you could go back in time, would you change that?" yunho asked.

"no." you were sure you would make the same decision. "because if i had not done that, he would have killed all of us."

"so... do you regret killing the man from a few days ago?"

"not at all," your response was quick. "he was going to kill you. i would have done the same, no matter who it was."

yunho brought his hand to your cheek and caressed it, his eyes full of love. you continued, "but that doesn't change the fact that i have killed people."

"i know," yunho said. "you will have to live with that for the rest of your life. it won't get easier, it will always hang like a noose over your head. but if you keep all of this to yourself... it will only get harder, y/n."

"i just... i don't know what to do," you exhaled a deep breath, looking away. "i feel so helpless. you've done so much to help me, hell, you almost took the blame for it, but still..."

"all these feelings are normal," yunho took your hand and started guiding you to the couch in the living room. you both settled down close to each other with yunho's hand on your shoulder, his thumb caressing your neck. "but if it's troubling you to the point of nightmares... why didn't you tell me earlier, y/n? if there's anyone who can relate to you..."

"it's you, i know," you smiled a little. "and i'm okay, for the most part, but for a while that night, i really thought it was all over, and that scared me so much, yunho."

"it's okay-"

"it's not the remorse that's eating me up, see?" you let out a short laugh. "it's... the fact that it's not the remorse eating me up but my selfishness when i was scared that you were going to take the blame and i would have to pick up the pieces of what was left all by myself. that your friends would hate me for the rest of our lives. that you would rot away in prison, like my father did, and i would never get to touch you again. it's wrong, isn't it? that this is the product of my nightmares and i don't need to sleep to feel this? does this make me a monster, yunho?"

if yunho could tell you how he felt at that moment, perhaps you would cower away, but he just had to ask you something. "do you still think you're the monster when i'm right in front of you?"

you looked at his unbelievably soft gaze and furrowed, somewhat confused brows. the dim lights from the kitchen softened half of his face, but even the shadows on his face didn't change who he was. you found his hand on your neck and held it, pressing your lips against his palm.

"i have killed more people than i can count, y/n," yunho continued, his voice pained. "but if that means that the world is somehow safer, i will continue down this road no matter how weary i get. does that make me a bad person or a good person? i realised long ago that i needed to stop categorising myself into one category, however... i sure as hell wouldn't call myself a good person," he let out a short laugh and you shook your head.

"if you weren't a good person, you wouldn't have tried to take the blame for me that night. and on that note... what were you thinking when you did that? without hesitation? can you imagine how wrong it could have gone if you got caught at that time-"

yunho leaned in and captured your lips in a deep kiss and thought it took you by surprise initially, you quickly melted in his grasp, your heart fluttering uncontrollably at the way he held and kissed you. when he drew back, he lingered for a few moments before looking at you.

"i would have done that anyway, no matter the consequences," he told you and you smiled sadly. "for you... i would do it again. so will you listen to me? will you let me help you?"

you nodded and he pulled you in for a hug. you scooted closer, almost sitting in his lap as you wrapped your arms around his waist, fisting the material of his sweatshirt.

"i know how hard it is to live with what we have done, no matter how we feel about it or think we feel about it," he caressed your head. "we think we have it all figured out. we think we'll be okay but really... it's still a human life, isn't it?"

you nodded- he was absolutely right.

"i harboured so much negativity in myself when my parents were killed. i thought if i would face their killer, i would not hesitate to kill him, but i did, and it cost me my sanity for a good while. if it weren't for hongjoong and mingi helping me figure out everything that was going on... i would have been so lost. i still think i am- the twisted, monstrous part in me is okay with what i do-"

"please don't call yourself a monster," you whispered. "you're anything but."

yunho embraced you tighter. "thank you for believing in me, but you should also tell yourself that."

and that's when it all made sense, what yunho was trying to tell you. it wasn't okay, it probably never will be, and it never should be. that's what you have to live with, and that's what will ultimately differentiate you from the actual monsters in this world.

"how do i convince myself i'm not the same as them?"

"that's what i'm here for," yunho laughed and you joined, drawing away from him. "but actually... i have a suggestion for you."

and that's how he told you all about mingi, the psychiatrist and the therapist who would never judge you no matter how dark your deepest thoughts and desires were. the person who would be able to understand your situation better than anyone else in this world since he was also a part of what yunho did. and most importantly, the person who wouldn't convince you to be someone you weren't. someone who wouldn't put you high on a pedestal or push you to your lowest. you adored the look on yunho's face when he told you all about his friend and you thought that mingi must be an admirable person if yunho believed in him so much.

and that night, he made a vow to you- he would always be there for you. he would be there to help you with the nightmares because he wished someone was there for him too. he would make sure you get proper sleep, and how couldn't you, if you were in his arms, safe and secure? how couldn't you, if you were showered in kisses before you fell asleep? how couldn't you, if you were enveloped in his scent that felt like home now?

the nightmares wouldn't easily stop but at least you wouldn't feel alone now, and that was all that mattered.

----------------------------

[something romantic but unhinged bc man now that i'm writing guerrilla again i wish i made it even longer LMAO]

[mdni!] [and do not interact if you're not comfortable with dark themes]

"yunho, what if your dark fantasies take over while we're having a moment and you kill me or something?"

yunho almost choked on the last sips of hot chocolate you had made him and he put the cup down on the table before shutting his eyes, inhaling and then opening them to glare at you.

"what stupid book are you reading now, babe?"

you pursed your lips in guilty admission. "you don't need to know that."

it had been a good few months into your relationship with yunho now, and he knew to expect odd questions like these way before that. when you first moved in, the questions had been related to your crime fiction wip but now that you were comfortable with him...

too comfortable, he thought. you couldn't ask something like this while you were seated so casually, defenceless across the couch with your legs in his lap while you used your tablet probably to edit your current draft.

"but do you think it happens? do you have moments like those when you... you know."

"when i what?" yunho smirked. he could play this game.

you immediately knew the mood had changed when his eyes glinted playfully. one thing about yunho was that no matter how strange or ridiculous your questions were, he would always answer.

"i won't judge you, i promise," you laughed a little. "but do you ever want to? or do you think others do?"

"words. i need you to say it out loud," yunho sat back cockily while his hand rested on your thigh, squeezing it almost suggestively.

and you knew it could only go one way from here. one thing about yunho was that no matter how strange or ridiculous your questions were, he would always answer-

practically. whenever he could, practically.

"if you're about to see if you feel like killing me right now, no thanks. and for your information, i can fight back."

"can you?" yunho scoffed.

"i've killed two men."

yunho laughed mockingly at that. "two. such a cute number."

your heart sank at that but you tried to lighten the situation. "okay, yeah, i should probably stop reading stupid books-"

"do you want me to check and see, though?" yunho cocked his head dangerously, removing his hand from your thigh only to hold your hand and pull you closer.

"geez, you really take answering my questions so seriously," you teased. of course he would never hurt you, but the thought of where this could lead to excited you in too many ways and you internally slapped yourself. "i guess i'll find the answer if i live to tell the tale?"

yunho pulled you properly in his lap, one hand stationed across your legs to keep you close to him while the other hand stayed on your neck, his thumb caresseing your adam's apple. you loved putting yunho in this headspace, when his gaze darkened as he thought about all the ways he would mess with you.

"do you know how easy it is to take someone's life if you press this wrong?" yunho pushed your adam's apple with his thumb just a fraction. "even just a little pressure can make it difficult to breathe."

you twisted away from him to put your tablet away and then put your own hand on his neck to feel his adam's apple. you pressed it a little just like he had demonstrated and nodded in understanding.

"it's ironic then, isn't it?" yunho looked up at you. "that some of the most sensitive spots on a human are around there?"

before you could ask him to elaborate, he pulled you closer to kiss you on the side of your neck and you gasped when you realised where this was going. he didn't stop there, though, no. he flipped you effortlessly so your back was flat on the couch and he was on top of you. before you could process anything, he was back to peppering kisses along your neck, planting a rather long one right on your adam's apple before finding your sweet spot and continuing to kiss and suck there.

your back arched in pleasure when one of his hands went to hold your waist but found your bare skin instead, your shirt having ridden up. you squirmed under him, one hand at the nape of his neck. when he was satisfied after earning a loud moan from you, he drew back to admire the bruising mark on your neck.

and then he grinned at your breathless form.

"that was so out of the blue," you laughed.

"i'm nowhere near done though," yunho kissed your temple, trailing his lips down along the angles of your face and then kissing your jaw sweetly. you brought your limp arm up to fist his shirt and crash your lips on his because he should stop teasing you already. yunho smiled into the kiss before responding enthusiastically and you tasted chocolate on his lips which made you hum in satisfaction.

yunho took that as his cue to escalate things further. while he kissed you, he let his hand travel down your body until it reached the waistband of your shorts. he broke the kiss to look at you and make sure you were okay and when you nodded, he pulled them down a bit to slide his hand down and he looked at you in surprise.

"you're soaking wet," he laughed a little. "tell me, which part turned you on?"

you slapped his hand and he laughed louder, pecking your lips and drawing away to lock eyes with you just in time to see your reaction when he slid a finger along your slit. he captured your gasp in another kiss and soon, things got all heated up. the sound of your moans were swallowed in his kisses as he slid two fingers knuckle-deep inside you and started thrusting them, curling them inside to earn loud gasps from you.

"so responsive," he praised, trailing kisses down your neck again and finding another spot to suck at. it was good that you mostly stayed at home, you thought. he had a thing with marking you and you could only imagine how much a hassle it would have been to cover it on a daily basis.

"yunho," you gasped when his thumb started circling your clit. it hadn't even been that long that you started getting more physical but he sure knew all your buttons. "please."

"please what?" he breathed against your adam's apple, reminding you once again how this all started.

"i'm so close," you moaned.

"already?" he tsk-ed, kissing the protruding spot on your neck. "how badly do you want it?"

you cupped his face and kissed him in answer, your tongues colliding in the passionate makeout which only sent another wave of arousal through your body and you shivered against him. he knew you were close so he drew apart and made you rest your head against the cushion again.

"you asked me about my dark fantasies, right?" yunho almost whispered and you nodded, anticipating what was next. "not the darkest fantasy, but a good start- choking."

you frowned- choking was pretty common... no?

"there's a very subtle difference in choking for pain and choking for pleasure," yunho explained, his hand around your neck now, his other hand still rubbing your clit in circles, his fingers pumping inside you slowly. "and sure, choking is common, but sweetheart..."

yunho pressed the sides of your throat for a second experimentally and you gasped. "feel that? see how everything you feel inside you becomes heightened but your senses grow numb?"

"yeah," you breathed, squirming under him- you were almost there. "pleasure."

"and if i pressed like this," he said, gently squeezing from the front- so gently that you almost didn't feel anything. "it would be to kill you. how faint is the line between pain and pleasure, y/n?"

you didn't realise when yunho sped up his fingers thrusting inside you but you were almost out of breath now and when he flicked your clit and provided the friction it needed to get over the edge, right when you could feel your orgasm beginning to wash over you, he leaned in to whisper in your ear-

"do you think i have dark fantasies like that?"

and you almost wouldn't have heard him because he pressed the sides of your throat, choking you right as your orgasm washed over you and your vision darkened, your back arching against him. everything was so heightened- yunho on top of you, his fingers inside you, his hand palming your clit, the other hand squeezing your throat like a choker necklace, his lips on your temple in a kiss, his thighs caging you, but the most heightened of all-

his question, the itch in your brain yet to be scratched. it clouded your thoughts as you took deep breaths to recover from the orgasm, as he kissed you everywhere and drew back to clean his fingers with tissues.

"so..." you breathed. "you won't be answering that, will you?"

he only smirked. "answering it would kill all the fun."

[knightyoomyoui]

TWICE Sana x M/F Reader - "I Want It That Way"

I'M BACK. After 3 months of no update, your one and only Knight Yoo-Myoui returns to bring you readers more stories in my book. Author's been in a really tough situation especially last month, but that still ain't gonna be enough to take out my passion and motivation to continue writing for both mine and your entertainment. I'm gonna continue this as long as I can. However, from now on; please understand and expect that I won't be updating very often like weekly or everyday as before. Studies is my current priority as of the moment but I promise that I will always update yall. Actually though, this new kind of pacing for both my writing procedure and publishing has somehow lessen the pressure in me. I'm really liking it so far, makes me comfortable. This story is requested by ShaShaSha029 BUT..., sorry Sha because I made some changes on your requested plot hehe. I already made the same concept from my previous works so I used your other request from another member to come up with something new that I haven't done yet. And as for the other member you requested to me, I'll give you a brand new plot for her. I hope you and the readers will like this. Enjoy reading! STREAM "I GOT YOU" and "ONE SPARK" MVs btw!

"I'm going home, guys. I'll leave the office to you all."

YN/LN, a current 4th year student from Cheongnamdong Polytechnic University and the campus' ongoing president of the student council, has just finished your tasks for today and is now about to depart from their office and send your goodbyes to your fellow members kindly to end the day on a positive note.

"Be safe on your way home, Pres!"

"You too."

You continued walking after sending him all the bright greetings, but before passing to your own cubicle and reaching the door, it opened. You then heard some footsteps behind it until a familiar figure made its presence known in front of you.

You watched your classmate, friend, and the secretary of their council, Yoo Janghoon, peeking at the door with a weird smile before you find him standing on your way.

Janghoon then approached YN.

"Seems like you're about to leave."

"Yeah." You nodded. " What's with your smile in your face? You look like you just saw something amusing.", he said in a judgmental look.

"Not with my own eyes, but the words I've heard are enough to picture her on mind." Janghoon smirked and bounced his brows.

"Her? You're into hunting chicks again?"

"Idiot, I have a girlfriend now, ofcourse I'm not." Janghoon mocked YN as he was about to throw a punch. "But seriously though, not even me could deny that it really does interest me."

"Why, what's going on out there?"

"Well, I've heard from my acquaintances from the other courses that there's a newly transferred female student here in the campus earlier after the class break."

"That late?"

"Yeah, I was a bit confused too but they said the professor just let it passed because they said that her documents were finalized at the last minute so that's why." YN hummed to react.

"And would you like to enlighten me what's so interesting with this random transferee student? I mean, no offense. Welcome aboard to the university but... what's special?"

"Dude, I'm telling you, it's not just "random", this girl was a legit bombshell. Based from how they described her, it was like when she stepped on the room, they felt like there was a legit goddess that got manifested into reality."

"And that's it?"

"Y-yeah... but you know and I know, dude. Our university has been missing it's "queen" for quite some time now. And probably the students are making noise about it is because they see a huge potential on her."

"Okay. Well, I do hope she doesn't feel overwhelmed with the attention she's about to receive on the next days of her stay here."

"But we're here as the council officers to take control, right?"

"Exactly." you nodded. "Anyways, gotta go now. I still have a family dinner not to miss."

"Alright, take care pres."

"You too, sec."

You left the office and the campus with a curiosity forming in your heart and mind on the identity of this woman that has been the center of the gossips you were unaware of due to how busy you are on the duties.

Arrived at home, you entered and got welcomed by your mother who is preparing their table for a lovely dinner tonight while your father is busy watching basketball on the living room.

"Good evening, mom."

"Good eve, YN. Tired?", she said while placing the plates on the table.

"Not that much but I would be glad to rest as always.", you spoke with a timid smile.

"Perfect, meal's coming right up real soon. Join your father there, okay?"

"Okay. Thanks, mom."

You walked near to your father and greeted him courteously. You sat beside him and laid your back comfortably on the soft cushion of the couch to release all the pent-up exhaustion your body has consumed on today's packed class schedule.

Minutes later, your mother commands both you and your father to position yourselves on the seats. Each grabbing their own meal, all of you started praying first before taking your first bites and swallow on such a delicious food.

"Uhm, dear. We want to talk to you about something." Your mother inserted a topic to be discussed.

"Sure, mom. I'll be listening. What is it about?"

"It's like a business talk but this also concerns about your personal life too, YN which we much rather prioritize." Your father said after swallowing his throat. "We meet up with our partners on the company regarding this and we all come to an agreement."

"Agreement to what?"

"Me and your mother are placing you in an arrangement contract with their child."

"Wait, come again?"

"Arrangement contract. It means we set you up with someone as your age to date and marry one day, and we figured out that to strengthen the connection between us, we decided to-"

"Yes, wait. I know that part, dad but... why need to? Wasn't it too early? I get that you want me to have a wife and a family someday but... it's not one of my priorities so far.", you complained.

"YN, please do understand that your mother and I ain't be getting younger as time goes on. Someday, you'll be alone, and we just wanted to give you another family that you would be glad to remain and... hopefully, to remember us like how we raised you from the beginning."

"But wasn't this too fast? You're making me rush things."

Both sides went silent, as the father felt guilty also for how true your words are.

"It's my life. You may be the one who gave me that but I developed and earned a right to decide what's right for my future."

"We know, son... but we had no choice. It's for the sake also of our business. You know that we have to keep it to the mountain top so that we don't have our efforts of raising it go to waste, especially when this is the main reason how me and your mother were able to give you a better life that you deserve. And some way or another, you will be for sure, the one who will take the mantle and own my properties. You can use it also to raise your family easier."

"We are not forcing you to do this, YN. Please, we just wanted to inform you and talk about this because you also have a side and opinion to be heard. Whatever your answer may be, we will respect it. We are just suggesting, but hopefully you can consider it, honey." Your mother's soft voice effectively kept you at ease more.

Taking deep breaths and a short length of silence to contemplate, you looked at them both as you made your choice. "Fine. This is because I love you both and I owe you two everything. I'm doing it."

They both smiled in relief. "Thank you for this, son/daughter."

"No problem. So... can you tell me more about this contract?"

"Well it's simple, an arranged contract but we requested to have you and the girl we chose to spend 30-days or let's say a month to get to know each other and figure things out if you two would believe that everything will work out as a couple." Your father explained.

"And who's the girl that you guys have prepared for me?"

"They have an only child just like us, and it's an easier idea to place her because as we learned, their daughter is currenly in search of finding somebody to love."

"Sadly, we're unalike."

"But she may be able to change your mind, on whatever that hold your heart back. You accepted the offer, now you just have to see how she really is, but we're certainly sure that she's good just like her parents."

"And what's her name?"

"We haven't been introduced nor asked for her name, but from what we know, her nickname should be "Minatozaki", and is Japanese. She was also studying now at the same campus as yours."

"I'll try to look for her and maybe we can talk there privately."

"Whatever you want, YN. Just keep us updated okay?"

"Noted." You replied before everyone returned on focusing to finish their foods.

The next day, you were a bit irritated from how the discussion last night distracts you in the middle of your duty. You couldn't concentrate at the curiousity that dwells inside of you.

So you decided to to take a break outside. You encountered a vacant spot to breathe some fresh air and drink at the iced coffee you prepared on your tumbler as you roam your eyes around at your surroundings.

That's where you spotted some group of students huddling around at a spot near the bulletin board, as if they're being crazy or attentive at something.

Eager to find out the rucus, you approached the scenario and tried to peek around, and there you noticed a female student entertaining the other fellow students by asking her randomly and even asking for some pictures like she is a celebrity.

As she turned around, her long chestnut colored hair flips around as if it denied the gravity, her side profile appeared, until it all fully rotated to have her face evident at you for the first time.

And my oh my the rumors shared by your secretary were true.

No wonder why she was already popular, she does look magnificent, enough to be mistaken as a famous personality.

Your eyes couldn't leave the sight of her just doing everything even in such bare minimum if movements that still effortlessly made her very attractive. Thankfully, there's your boy distracting you as you snapped back when you felt a shoulder wrapped on your neck.

"You finally met her." Janghoon said, smirking at you. "From what I heard earlier, the exchange student's name's Minatozaki Sana. She's a foreigner, a Japanese to be specific."

"Minatozaki?" Your thoughts murmured. Contemplating if you heard it right, but that was the same surname your father was tasked you to find, and she even has the same nationality.

Having exchange students in your campus are very rare.

You are flabbergasted as you slowly realize that... this woman is going to be the one you'll date and marry.

Unconsciously, you turned around at Janghoon with your forehead crumpled and mouth slightly gaped.

"What? Did I say something wrong?"

"Oh n-no. Not-thing." You shook your head swiftly. Returning your gaze back at her, you couldn't believe it at all that your parents and her friends does picked a perfect girl for you.

But you wondered if it could be said the same about you.

Hours later, Sana who was about to enjoy her recess, instead went to the council office to meet the president, as per the classmates told her after being tasked to do so.

She stepped in front of the door that says "Student Council Office, knock twice before entering". She followed and slowly pushed the doorknob. A person sitting at the far end of the room, looking busy on his desk greeted her.

As the door closed, it alarmed the president that the person is now here for a scheduled conversation, only that when you raised your head, you looked at her having a shocked reaction.

Sana stares at the reveal of this mysterious person that runs the entire student government of the campus. Flashbacks began to run back into her mind, slowly making her upset.

"Thank you for agreeing to come here and t-"

"Am I looking at this very clearly?" Sana immediately spoke.

"Pardon?"

"You? Out of everyone here... was chosen to become a leader?"

"W-what? Settle down, miss. I think you n-"

"A representative figure for everyone, and I get to be under your orders around here?" Sana chuckled bitterly. "I didn't know that even after years later, we'll still have our paths crossing onto each other despite how I wanted to never meet you in my life again."

"D-do we know each other?"

Sana scoffed as she looked at you ridiculously. "Ofcourse, how could you recognize me. First of all, I was just a complete nothing to you. A plaything of your cruel antics and delinquent actions. And second, I'm not the same girl you used to belittle everyday."

You furrowed your eyebrows as you looked at her intently. "W-what... you..."

"Still doesn't ring a bell? Oh, how about this. The name Minatozaki Sana? That fat nerdy girl back in elementary that you used to bully so hard in our 8th year that forced her to transfer to other school. How about that?"

Your eyes sprung open as you instantly remember the name and that student you used to include in one of your prime victims in your dark past.

That description of her past self brought you back to the times when you remembered looking for her first to rather mock, annoy, or play with her until her feelings broke and look helpless.

You were a bully before in elementary days, and she was your classmate back then. But that was all only the past now as you are now a changed person, with all the better and positive things that came into your life had taught you more valuable and nice things to consider yourself reevaluating your personality.

But it looks like it could tell the opposite for Sana's part.

"I remember you now, Sana. And... please, let me tell you right now that I'm not the same person you used to despise before."

"Do you really think I'll be fooled easily by that?" Sana retorted. "We just met after what... 7 years and you're supposed to have me believing that when in fact, I still look at you as that same horrific figure I never should've want to see again, but yet here you are."

Sana still didn't took a seat. She walked around and observed the room. You were a bit relieved that all of your council members are absent in this tense confrontation. "What a hypocrisy it is to have you getting involved in an organization that focuses on student rights when in fact, you have a record of violating it before. Shouldn't be a student fitting for that must be... clean?"

"Sana, believe me or not, I changed. I wouldn't even dare to take this position if I'm not sincere for it, and I'm not forcing you to believe me."

"Oh, ofcourse you should. Because I really don't buy everything that comes into your mind not until I see it" Sana shook her head and smugged. "Maybe it'll change my mind of me planning to expose you from every-"

"Wait! You can't be serious?"

"Oh indeed I am." Sana clicked her tongue. "You ruined me before, but here I am who helped myself and from people I loved to become this better version of mine to stand here in front of you, I'm going to get you this time, YN. I'm going to make you feel what is it like being... excluded."

She leaned forward on the desk, staring at you sharply and observing your nervous expression. "But...if there's some sort of a miracle that... you did changed. Then you're going to prove it on me. Make me convinced that this YN I hate with every fiber of my being is... gone."

"What if I tell you that you already have a chance to make me?"

"And that is?"

"Have you heard about an arrangement contract from your parents?"

"Y-yeah... but they don't tell me who it is because- WAIT" Sana quickly lunged back away from you. "Please tell me who I'm thinking is correct."

"Sorry to tell you but I was just in denial as you are yesterday."

"Oh God." Sana poured out the biggest disappointment she felt in her entire life so far. "W-why does my fate has to be very unlucky everytime when it's about you? Me being in an arranged contract with you? I think I have to vomit."

"Wait! But you said you want me to prove that I changed?"

"And you really think I want it this way?" Sana looked at you disgusted. "Being as this fabled student council president or just a random student from me would be fine but... YOU AS MY FIANCE? That won't do, mister." Sana swayed her pointing finger. "Unfortunately, the answer would be NO. Now please, I have to go already. I still have a lunch to take before I lose my appetite."

Sana walked away from you and left the room unbotheredly. You sat there, back falling flat on your swivel chair. Your hands caressed your hair as you reacted unbelievably and stunned that this heavily improved Sana that you used to know many years before has returned to actually be your woman, but unfortunately, her hatred for you still lives on her till this day.

Her opposal didn't worked however, as Sana tried to request later during dinner, she was informed by her parents that the contract can only be cancelled after 30-days for the people to finally reassure their decision.

She mentioned that YN and her have a bad history in the past, but instead her parents reasoned out that maybe YN has changed and it will not hurt to give another chance. If only they know what the real reason it is, but Sana was clearly affected by their suggestion because honestly, Sana is a forgiving soft type of person.

Still, confident that she's satisfied with her answer, she became impatient and hated being with YN more.

Meanwhile, you shared to your mother about how the unlikedness of you and Sana's interests about the marriage arrangement in a deatiled manner.

"We met and had a talk, but... it wasn't as proper and civil as I expected because, I was surprised that she confessed something very familiar to me. Something that I've been trying to get it out on my head. Something that I wanted to let go for a long time."

"What was she to you before?"

"A nuisance, even though she wasn't doing even wrong. I look at her before thinking it wasn't right for her to be in this type of high class campus that I study at too, but then I figured out that me ending up bullying and making her emotional and mental state suffer is way worse than she is."

You flinched when your mother slapped you in the head. "What??? How could you bully someone?! Is that how we raised you?"

"Mom, wait ofcourse no... but, I was just made to be like that because of what happened to us, you know that!"

Your mother became speechless and a glimpse of pity became visible to you. "But it's all good now, mom. I'm not like that anymore, I'm telling you.  And that's what I should've just wanted to prove to Sana but... I understand that she won't let me anymore. I broke her too much, I can't let it happen again."

Stepping closer in front of you, she placed her hands gently on your shoulders to massage them and make your ease down. "Even I was mad and disappointed that you once turned into that type of guy you never should be, but I know from the bottom of my heart that you will always be a good kid of mine because that's how I raised you to be. You just got affected too much by our struggles before. And I believe you always, YN. The only thing I can do now for you to support you, and that is for you to keep on moving forward and never stop to make Sana forgive you, alright?"

"I will. Thanks, mom."

She patted you on the cheek. "Goodluck, okay? You have a month to do it."

----------

"Okay, class dismissed. Group 1, remember to prepare your report by next week okay?"

"Yes, prof!", the students who are part of the group that the professor mentioned chanted.

The professor left the room, leaving the students have the freedom to eat lunch during their vacant time.

"Sana, cmon! Did you bring a lunch with you?", one of Sana's classmates asked her while she's clearing her table.

"No, I'm gonna buy for today."

"Nice, let's go!"

Sana brought her wallet and cellphone with her, joins her newfound friends named Miyeon and Sullyoon as they make their way out to the classroom.

However, as they were about to, a figure suddenly pops out of the doorway, stopping their tracks. The two classmates of hers had a visible shock in their faces unlike to Sana, her bright mood quickly shrank down into a gloomy one.

"Hi, sorry if I'm almost late." You straightened your lips. "Good thing I was about to catch you leaving yet, let's go eat lunch together."

Miyeon and Sullyoon's jaw dropped at the student council president's proposal. Sana's eyebrows knitted hardly. "Huh? What nonsense are you saying?"

"Why? I'm just going to invite you to eat with me?"

"With you?" Sana scoffed and chuckled. "You have the guts, I'll give you that... but NO." Sana leaned forward at you to say this.

"Let's go girls."

Sana was just commanding her classmates and taking a step again away from you but in her surprise, she felt her body being pulled by a force. She tried to process what happened, and there she found her skin contacting with yours as she stood by your side...

with your hands wrapped around her waist.

Miyeon and Sullyoon's eyes largened in utter shock at what they're seeing. They couldn't believe that such a new transferee would get to gain closeness and change the behavior of the famously respected and knowned leader of the students around the campus.

Sana's lungs skipped functioning as soon as she felt your fingers dug deeper into her skin. Her face then starts to turn red and her face showing almost hilariously stunned reaction, with no hint of an idea what has turned you to be like this today.

"Pardon me for Sana's antics right now, we just had a fight yesterday and I wanted to come up a solution to fix that." You said in a melodic and apologetic tone to them. Sana was dumbfounded at the ridiculous fake words you are talking about.

"W-wha"

Sana wasn't able to finish her words, when she felt herself getting pulled again, now squeezed against your body which intensified her heartbeat and blushes.

"So, please. Can we eat together today, love?"

Any words that are synonym to what I mentioned earlier can be heavily applied now to all three women witnessing the sudden change of the president's act.

You led the way, bringing Sana with you as both crossed the hallway with the confused and flabbergasted duo following on the back while some of the students can see the two having this kind of contact has began to grab attention.

As they reached the cafeteria, Miyeon and Sullyoon shyly approached the "couple". "Uhm, Sana. I think we can just eat sometime. We'll let you have you two your private time okay?"

"B-but w-"

"Thank you for being considerate on us, girls." You smiled humbly at them and they nodded before they left you and Sana to find their own seat. As the two of you remained, Sana's face crumpled and seethed much air to unleash her full force on escaping to your touch.

She quickly unhooks your arm on her waist, pushed you aside, and punched you in the shoulder. "Oww!"

"Seriously, what the hell did you do to me, YN?!" Sana started to bicker out on you. "How come you just started to spit out and let my friends hear and see you assuming that we have a relationship now, huh?! Did you ate something bad that had you acting like crazy today?"

"Nope. I'm perfectly fine, and what I did there earlier, consider getting used to that." You replied. "Because from now on, I'll be going to do it with you again and again and again a-"

"Woah wait no what?!" Sana paused you. "And why is that, huh? I haven't even agreed yet on the deal-"

"But was the contract got cancelled?"

Sana fell speechless. She remembered yesterday that she swore to dump the contract by requesting to her parents after she gave her disapproval. However, she failed to do so.

You took her silence as yes. "I suppose it didn't. If it does, my parents would've informed me immediately."

"Yeah yeah yeah, you won. So what? You still can't just do it like that to me randomly. I still haven't gave you the consent to touch me or do anything lovey dovey around me. Just because the contract states that we are arranged to be a couple that doesn't mean I can let you easily do everything free around me. Especially when the fact that I still hate you so much." Sana pointed at you as she stares deeply within you.

"Alright, fine. You do have a point. I shouldn't have done it. It's my fault, I made you uncomfortable, and I'm sorry for that." You spoke in a calm tone. Sana got her insides tugged at your sudden softer behavior. "But just know this, I hope you can let me do these with everything I can. No matter how much you deny, we are still stuck in an arranged contract that has a month allowed on us to come up on a decision if we'll take a marriage, and that gives each of us the right to do what couples does.

And I'm going to use it also, for me to prove myself to you that I've changed through all these years, Sana. Consider it me acting or say whatever you want, but when it comes to you, I'll show my improved self and nothing less than that." You said plainly to her. Sana is just listening at you patiently, sticking out important details to her mind while her emotions were a bit being brought by your committed words.

"I can't force you to love me back and have our marriage settled someday after the deadline comes, I wasn't even into love these days but I had no choice but to follow. But, I really do hope that before or when these all ends, I can hear you saying that I am now forgiven."

Sana was struggling to come up for a words to answer, and you took the opportunity to let her have time to remember and process everything as you locate a seat and bought foods for both of you. You left the still pissed off Sana became completely silent and come back to join her in an awkward lunch together.

That went on and on, with you trying to get along with Sana through most of the occasions. You supposed to take it all as a yes coming from Sana that you were being a chance to prove everything to her that you are not this same bad person she used to resist before.

With your frequent actions around Sana led to the campus knowing also about your rumored relationship with her.. Some were supportive that the president finally get to have a girlfriend such perfect as Sana while some were not due to the reason of jealousy most concerning about the fact that they are not the ones standing on the shoes or position of either you or Sana.

That didn't affected both of you, especially Sana who is trying her best to become unbothered with all of these because she is too tired to explain it to many people for some truth that everyone wouldn't accept easily. She knows it all to herself anyway that it's all part of the act, that none of them are interested with each other or has a growing fond being developed.

Not until one day, she accidentally finds you tutoring a female student in the library. She saw how entertained you are on how easily the girl gets to understand quickly with your teaching, thus turning you both looking happy together.

Feeling a bit uncomfortable at the scene, her lips unconsciously forming into a frown. Sana instead leaves the room and went on to return with her friends who noticed her bad mood as she buried her head around her crossed arms on the desk.

It all procceeded until their next subject when the girls tried to approach her about it. "Hey, Sana what's with the grumpy look?" Miyeon said as she peeked at Sana who looks completely out.

"You weren't participating with us lightly, what happened when you left the room earlier?" Sullyoon added.

"Yeah, you seemed in a no good mood."

"Nothing." Sana blabbered.

"Was it YN?"

"I said NOTH-" Sana paused and realized that she just made herself obvious, Miyeon and Sullyoon were just staring at her.

"Welp, that confirms it." Sana sighed. "Care to tell us what's the problem?"

She remained silent. She wasn't sure why she's getting a bit embarassed to reveal it until she also got nervous when her friends began to list down some of the possible things a couple creates problems.

"Was he cold to you today?"

"Hmm maybe you're the one who's not?"

"Or... could it be somebody's jealous-"

"What, no?!" Sana rapidly reacted. Miyeon and Sullyoon exchanged a "gotcha" look.

"Oh unnie, you're too obvious." Miyeon laughed.

"Jealous of what? Or should we say, who?" Sullyoon curiously asked.

"S-stop! I said it's nothing, okay! There's no chance in hell that I am jealous because of him." Sana made a "tch" sound on her mouth. "I don't even like him at all." She rolled her eyes as she whispered it, barely to be heard by her friends who returned focusing on their own. As she was left alone with her trouble, her eyes went staring at the window, she sighed deeply as she felt a strange regret inside her after saying those words while remembering what she saw back in the library.

As if she meant it.

Hours later, Sana bids goodbye to Miyeon and Sullyoon before she walked at the hallway all by herself. She stopped on her steps when she felt this unsettling feeling near her shoulder.

Her head goes turning around, searching for something but was unsuccessfully. Sana sighed and shook her head. "YN isn't coming. That guy/girl is a student council president, Sana. He/she's probably busy." she muttered to herself.

Sana continued to move, with a blank face and a moderate speed. As the afternoon light about to engulf her, she felt her sling bag slowly float, the weight she's carrying quickly became lighter.

Her breath got taken away shortly in surprise until she realized what caught her from that action.

It was you, smiling while standing beside her as you taking off her bag gently from her shoulder.

"May I?"

Sana didn't respond, she just let her arm spread a bit to let the strap fall, easily allowing it to fall from your posession.

"You do look like having a bad day." you peeked at her expression. Sana slightly got shy, and turns her face away as she pouted while rolling her eyes arrogantly.

"You just noticed? I'm always like this whenever you're around me."

"You sure there's nothing more than that? I know it's pretty much of a 'me' problem but... can you be more specific?"

"Oh come on, wasn't that enough for you? Stop triggering me, please. I said what I said, you are an eyesore that's why." Sana crosses her arm. She started to walk down the stairs as you slowly followed her with a faint smile on your lips.

"Okay, if that's what you say. I'll just be here behind you. Too bad, I wanted to lead the way because I want take us somewhere unwinding first." You sighed and tightened your lips. Sana heard it, sensing a weird sensation through her. She must be saying no or even meaner than that, but how come she became more curious?

Sana heaved out a large breath of air before pausing on her walk with a stomp. She turned around to face you as she gestures you to come forward. "It's only because I needed it."

And you grinned thankfully.

The two of you went to a cliff from a road outside of Seoul. Just in time, Sana was about to whine about how dangerous this place you chose until she was distracted of the magnificent sunset in display to the skyview.

Each of you took a picture, with her being first. You clicked the button, instead the shot accidentally captures Sana turning her attention back at you. As she approaches you, you dragged down your phone in embarassment and nervousness that she might found out and suspect that you're secretly spying on her.

"What happened to you?" Sana finds your tensed manner.

"N-nothing. I just... remembered something."

"Weirdo." She teases you. "So what's gotten into you choosing this place. Are you gonna push me there down the cliff to show me your true colors?"

You looked at her exhaustedly, no much in an energy to enlighten or defend yourself. "Say or think of anything suspicious about me, Sana but I wasn't even harming you even in my imaginations anymore." You didn't bother to look at her because all you'll see rather is an irritated, sassy woman whom you had a price to pay for.

"This is my favorite place to chill." You simply answered, leaning at the front of the car and posing your limbs as you supported yourself with your arms pressed on the car. Sana looked at your side-figure.

"I started finding this when me and my mom used to go here when I was young. She was the first one to notice how beautiful the sunset is to watch from here, and I did agree on her... and it turns out to become one of my favorite scenery." Sana just listened to your story as you continue to witness the sun hides from the clouds.

"My mother told me to stay with her longer here because for a moment, she found peace and serenity. She felt like there's nothing to worry about." You paused as you smiled proudly. "She felt like she wasn't going to be alone in this battle she's facing, because I was there by her side. Even though I... wasn't that too much vocal or expressive at what I've gone through in our family, but... my heart knows where I need to stay. Where I can surely find a better outcome for my life someday."

"That's why when the right thing happened one day, I started to listen and follow to my heart first. I kicked out all those delinquent students away from my company and I only remained my wonderful mom and dad... step-dad..." You corrected yourself, Sana shrank her eyes at that intentional pause. "Because it felt like it's the right thing to do, and it did. It helped me to get back up to my feet and reshape myself to become a proper man that my mom always wanted to see in me.

Sana, mind I if ask... am I progressing?"

Sana stares at you as you glanced at her with your glistening eyes full of hope. "I'm not gonna lie this time, but you sure are doing quite an effect on me..." Her voice is slowly decreasing through the words.

"But that won't still change anything about what you did to me before. People can say past is past easily but me? If it wasn't for that, which I don't know... should I say thank you atleast anyway... for motivating me to change my appearance? Lose a massive amount of weight, beautify myself more, get rid of those eyeglasses and braces just so that I can be accepted and liked by many for my features like what you said?" Sana said with a bit of a hatred rising through her again. You remain speechless as you understand why it's driving her mad.

"I achieved a better life too but unlike you, what I did I get? You put me into a trauma that I'm still bringing to myself till this day. Fear and anxious that...  makes me still remember it all."

"I like the passion, YN... but I will never going to forgive you for what you did to me. I will always hate you for that." Sana said it with all honesty. "And that's enough of a reason for me to have no interests on having our deal contract settled."

Heartbroken, you chose to ignore and hide as you have nothing more to do than to accepts her decision. After all, you were the one who already said that you can't force her to make amends with you.

"Understood."

The next week, Sana was about to go downstairs when she found a student sipping lollipop at the corner. The guy looks completely wasted, obviously breaking the proper uniform rules. She decided to ignore him as she continue to go through but insteas, the guy catcalled her before moving on its own, approaching Sana.

"Hi there, hot stuff." The guy said before taking off her lollipop with a slurp. "Where you going at?"

"A-at my class." Sana nervously said.

"Hmmm... okay. Nice and proper, I like it. Ladies like you are easy to be tamed, isn't it?" He smirked menacingly.

Sana stepped back and grabbed her sling bag. "E-excuse me? How dare you-"

"Ohhh, daring. Such a duality we got here huh, I wouldn't mind if you can do switch roles with me, however we can only apply that in the bed."

"Shut up, pervert!"

"Cmon, lady. It's that simply, feel free to take a shot on me, and you can be there to your classroom without a problem."

"And if I don't?!"

"Challenging and fightful, I like that."

"Then you're going to love me."

Sana and the delinquent both became surprised as you made your unexpected emergence from the stairs, hurrying down ss you pushed away the guy and had him bumping his back on the barred metal gate.

"This one's pestering you?" Sana only nodded.

"Ugh shit! Ah, look. It's the bastard of this goddamn student council!" The delinquent said while touching his upper back in pain.

"Choose your words more carefully. I can report you and have you be placed in a sanction that you'll regret."

"Go on, make me. As if I give a shit. This entire university is a complete bullshit anyway. The only reason it got me staying here everyday, is if wasn't for some sexy chicks like here roaming around-" The deliquent didn't had to speak disrespectfully and point at Sana longer as he ate a crunchy right punch from you straight to his face.

"You crazy bitch!"

The guy fights back at you, returning the punch you gave. It agitated you and led yourselves into a brawl that had the groans and growls echoing to the upper floor, catching student's attention. Sana panicked and tasked them to call a guard to seperate the two.

The guy got the advantage during the fight, he continues to give you a barrage of kicks to the waist before he pulled Sana closer to her and inappropriately traced her sides while he chuckles dangerously.

Sana felt disgusted and quickly slaps the guy. "What do you think you're doing, huh? Fucking slut!" He gave Sana a fast backhand slap that had her twirling and crashing next to the metal handles of the stairs.)+•~

You saw what he did, with anger fuming in you, you pulled his leg and sent him down on the ground before you tackled him andgave him multiple punches until the guards and the officials broke up the fight.

"THE TWO OF YOU, PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE. NOW!"

As a result of the fight and from the decision made by the higher ups, the guy was kicked out of the campus for multiple delinquent offenses while you got suspended for your role as the president for a couple of months when they learned that you just did that for self-defense.

Sana was sitting on the bed with the nurse preparing the first aid until you showed up and requested the nurse instead to leave it all on your hands. She hesitated for a minute that you are also bruised but you bargained until she gave up and listened to you as a respect for being a student leader.

Sana in her surprise, watched you sit down and grab the first aid beside you. "W-what are you doing?"

"Treating you."

"Don't make me a baby, YN. The nurse can do it herself."

You just stared at her and Sana felt a bit intimidated. She decided to shut up and forcefully let you do your thing. "Good. Now come closer and lemme see your cheek."

She leaned forward and directed her aching cheek on you. "That idiot." You cursed as you search around the reddening spot. You weren't aware that it was mixed by Sana's blush now to have you staring very closer at her.

You started applying the ice pack around the hurting spot as Sana hissed before she swallowed in her throat and spoke. "T-thank you... for earlier."

"No problem. That's unusual, atleast I got a positive comment from you.

"I- I wasn't expecting you to come to rescue me, okay. And I didn't know how much I needed it."

The awkwardness between each other formed as none dared to speak afterwards when both got lost in their words. However, you started a topic that might break the silence and for Sana to understand more.

"I wasn't always like this."

"I know, you said it. It's just that there's something happened that I don't know-"

"It's my dad." You answered it. Sana looked at you. "I know you've been itching to ask me what exactly happened."

"I just don't want to because I felt like it's not my intention to know more and all I had to do is to understand you because it seemed too personal that I might sound forceful. But I do really wanted to know why." Sana replied. "So... step-dad?"

"No. My biological dad." You revealed. "My original father was abusive to my mom. I learned that he became like that when he started to fell addiction to gambling and other crazy stuffs that risks your money badly. He releases his frustration to my mom until she couldn't take it no more when she heard it loud and clear from my father that he despises her for me not turning out to be the one he's expecting. He always wanted a son/daughter but... nope. That's just all a part of his excuses that made my mom snapped and file a divorce  and report to my dad, and guess what. Her attorney became so interested in my mom and here he is, my mom and my dad broke up and him, who is now my step-dad, saved mom and I." You said as you applied care on her bruises.

Sana looked at you pitifully and for the first time, she frowned for you. "W-why are still helping me or... treating me good, even though I don't return it back at you?"

"Because... I got influenced. At first, I look up to my dad. I thought at first that he was tough, strong... I started becoming like him when him and my mom always gets to have a proble but then I realized that he was a true coward for proving all that by beating up my mom. And she was the one who is actually tough, because despite of all the suffering she took from my dad, she didn't hurt him back physically but that doesn't she has no plans to fight. Because if she does, then I wouldn't be in a better state if it wasn't for her.

So I changed. I took mom as my role model. I remained calm as much as I can. I did it all to reshape myself from the ghost of the past. Now here I am, rather choosing to prove myself and mean it all on my words on you. I don't want to fight anymore to cause trauma, Instead, I'll do in a need to protect the people who are close to me."

Sana tied all the strings together, and it did finally all comes to a clear point that it wasn't really your fault that you turned out to be that reckless bully that she had to go through a hard time before. She would be lying if she won't admit that she is a supporter of a belief that people can change, and it comes through this moment that she decided that she can use that phrase for good.

"There, all done." You said as you tucked all the hair to her ear and patted the bandage firmly on her face. Sana was just staring back at your tender and admirable demeanor. "Does it still h-"

"I forgive you."

"..."

You fell silent. That was very out of nowhere, but suddenly it got so uplifted to hear that successfully.

"Y-you do?"

"And we still have a week remaining ahead of us. We can use it to finally be able get along together."

You smiled widely as you saw how Sana's bright and cute grin shines right in your eyes. She looked so beautiful, and you even felt more guilty and poor for her on vanishing this irresistable kine of joy within her before.

"Yeah we can. T-thank you a lot, Sana."

Sana patted your hand to calm your happiness down. She smiled as she stared down at your hands stacked together. She took a grip on it and even felt the heat crawling through her skin, sending to her overflowing emotions in her heart.

It actually does look... fitting in her opinion. And she even agreed more to herself when she looked back up to see the owner of the hand she would actually love to hold more in many occasions.

That moment, Sana confirmed to herself that she has now began to discover a liking on you, who is also discreetly sharing the same serenade as her too.

Days after you and Sana tried to start this brand new closeness both of you has started for each other, its aftermath had left you ran out to became so overwhelmed about it, now that have reminded you of something that requires to be done more important before the expiration was reached.

You wanted to be happy because you have now made peace with Sana, but today wasn't the right time for you to celebrate fully.

Too much occupied on spending time for each other, that it almost made both forgot that you had to deal with a serious matter when the next day comes.

Your mood disrupted as you got conscious of the date today, not even Sana's bubbly personality can distract you from it or anything. You couldn't even join her as you remained watching her instead for some reason.

"You seem like you're in deep thoughts again, YN." Sana poked you with the tip of the ice cream she bought. "Are you okay?"

You didn't answer right away as it took time for you to snap back into your senses and found yourself being confronted by Sana.

"Y-yeah."

A lie. Sana detected that disturbing twitch of a forced smile on your lips.

"Really, what's going on? I know i've seen this last time on you getting blacked out of nowhere but this one feels different."

"How can you say?" You asked in a dead tone.

She shrugged and opened her ice cream first before she continued speaking. "That something's definitely bothering you. You're so stiff and uneasy. Does it makes you scared?"

"M-maybe it is..."

"Care to share what it is then?"

You were about to respond but Sana introduces you to her cold palm blocking your sight.

"But first, eat your ice cream. It's gonna melt, plus... it's my favorite flavor, okay? I don't want it getting wasted." She pouted adorably.

You chuckled and sighed as you opened your ice cream. "Delicious."

"Who? Me or the ice cream?"

"W-what?" You looked so baffled at her suspicious remark.

She laughed loudly at your embarassed expression. "I'm sorry- it's just... you keep on staring at me while you're licking it and commenting it for me. I thought you're teasing me so... I tried to get back on you."

"S-stupid, you and your pervy thoughts..." You rolled your eyes and blushed intensely at her own silliness. "And what if I say you?" you smirked a little and glared at her.

"Then I don't mind having you grab a taste as much as you like~" Her eyes didn't even had to glare back at you to look flirty and seductive, instead aura changed on its own as Sana ensures that the one who started this kind of fun won't end up getting defeated in the end.

You gulped and looked away from her enticing look as she wheezes. "Sorry, what's gotten over me. Anyways, let's go backto where we left. Oh yeah, what's making you scared?"

You had to compose yourself before replying to her. "Of us. Certainly... for you."

"Why?"

"I can't tell if this luck that I have of making myself had to witness this whole you being... just the way you are is only temporary for me to see, because I fear that... I might lose this... real you, again." You said.

"I appreciate the consideration YN but, risks are inevitable okay? It's fine to take it as long as it won't step or abuse my whole being again." Sana said. "I know you're scared but... face your fears. This is why you seek for another opportunity, right? To make things right."

"But would it be wrong for me if..."

"If...?" Sana waited for your next words to follow up.

Your heartbeat quickened, nerves trembling, emotions rising, as there's no going back once you have revealed this secret you have been keeping from her in weeks. "Would it be wrong for me if I don't just want you as a friend anymore? That I also began to admire you more than that?"

Sana's smile dropped. Her gaze went more focused on you as she couldn't believe what she's hearing. "Y-you like me?"

"I know it's ridiculous of me to say that to you, because I feel like I don't have the right to feel this way because I made you like this... forcefully with my wrongdoings. But, I don't know why my heart is being like this." You said to her.

"Maybe it's due to what I've said to you last time that I started to follow what my heart wants, and it pains because... I feel like this is what I may be missing after all these years when I rather ending up hurting you against my will. And now it makes me worry if I continue this feeling i'm having now that we have buried your hatred, I might lose this... bright side that depicts the real you, Sana. That I mercilessly thrown away when we first met.

I don't want to let it go but... I couldn't  get rid of this feeling in me, even after you told me you have declined our contract, I'm heartbroken but I still keep on loving you." You started tearing up. For the first time, Sana has fully visualized this fragile self of yours and it truly does hurt her deep inside.

"But I don't want you to pity me. I still respect your decision, but... for the last time... a last hope in me, I just want to ask... do you... still want to reconsider it?"

You looked at her with your poor eyes. Sana got her breath taken away by your weakened state. Her heart crumples in pain seeing you like this because you are heavily concerned of something that you don't even had to.

Because she likes you too, and you don't even know yet.

If your heart chooses her, her heart needed you more.

"I'm sorry..." is what came out as a whisper to Sana's shaking tone. Your heart shattered and there's your last hope disappeared like a popped bubble in the air. She was about to speak but you interrupted her.

"I see. I get it, no matter how much a person forgives you for your sin, there's always be time that would grant you the punishment for wasting that moment that you should've been good rather. A karma, in short. And this one, is what I have to bring and suffer for the rest of my life."  You said to her with a bitter smile. Sana was in awe at your guilty pronounce.

"I enjoyed our time but I think I have to go now, Sana. I'm sorry." You excused yourself to Sana as you emptied your ice cream and left her speechless on your spot with her. Her frozen consciousness has what costs her to respond late to unable to catch you as you walked away from her sight.

Sana was left in distraught, as the words she was about to say and the entirety of your confession sinked down to her.

March 31. The day of the proclaimation has come. The month is ending and that means the contract has reached its breaking point. You and Sana met again in the court along with your parents in each of your sides.

Both parties are worried and confused on why you and Sana seemed so dull and devastated that neither couldn't look at each other's eyes anymore. This is what you feared, and the regret is eating you up again so bad.

"Mr/Ms. LN, are you in favor of the contract to be published and hereby signed by you?"

"I do, your honor." You said. You wanted to give it up but you chose to fight for what you have desired more. You wanted to be with Sana longer, and even if it won't grant you the same opportunity, it doesn't matter. Atleast you have become honest to your heart that you would've love to have her as yours.

Sana's lips trembled as she tried to fight the tears about to pour down on her face but was unsuccessful that the judge had to halt the question. It breaks your heart more to see her in an emotional breakdown in front of you.

"Miss Minatozaki, are you okay?"

"I... I'm not..." She sniffed her nose and wiped her tears before proceeding. " I'm not in favor of the contract, your honor."

Your family and Sana's both were in shock and saddened. You weren't surprised, but you are surely devastated that she is really this a hundred percent certain of her decision.

"Are you sure with your answer, Miss Minatozaki? You look hesitant. Perhaps you can provide a clear explaination why you still responded the opposite?"

"I'm really not in favor of the contract, your honor." Sana shook her head. She wiped her tears again before she stepped forward and came closer to you.

"Because I don't want to have it done arranged."

Your eyes widened. The collective gasps of the both sides can be heard from the court.

"I'm rather hesitant because I want to be with you more, YN... but not through this. I want us to build the story of our relationship through our own. I want it that way, not this where others had to dictate and rush us how things should go for us." She apologetically looks back at yours and her family, and gladly they nodded understandably at her point.

She immediately pulls you into a hug so tight that you wouldn't even care also if you got suffocated into her endearing gesture of what finding your home should feel like. "I'm glad that you didn't let go, YN... because I love you too."

She sobbed into your shoulder and you gave up with your emotions as flood of tears fell down on your face, but this time it was all full of joy and relief. You reciprocated her action as you wrapped her body into your own embrace and cuddled her head on your side.

"Thank you... thank you for giving me a chance, Sana. I'll do everything I can not to ruin this. I love you.

She leans away fron your shoulder and holds your shoulders as she traces your face super close between each other. "I'm so proud of you, YN. You deserve it."

"And yes, I would be glad to be your girlfriend... and your future wife soon." She winked before she pulls your head next for a wholesome romantic kiss.

Your families and even the judge clapped and congratulated in support for your newfound stronger relationship with Sana since this is a sight to behold seeing two couples aren't destined to be torn apart from each other... but rather to stay together forever despite all the harsh and crucial situations they had gone through.

Love, in cooperation with time; always finds a way to connect two people's hearts no matter how long it might take, and this... is the way their story had to go.

[transpersian]

Zena and Poppy: Abusive Hypocrites - Master Post

last updated on 3/29 (added deep cover post, restructured post w/ most recent documents first)

Hi there! I'm Milena, Poppy Diabolique's "psychotic ex" and the alleged head of what she dubbed her "League of Evil Exes." While we're more of a co-op, that doesn't have the same ring to it as "League," does it?

This is mostly to track my own I'll be updating this post with additional content as it's published, so please check back to my page for the most up-to-date version, which I'll leave pinned.

Please be sure to also check out @poppyandzena's page, as they've been diligently collecting and cataloguing evidence and other testimonies for months.

Please take your time reading through these. It's emotionally difficult content and there's a lot of it, so please prioritize taking care of yourself. It gets worse than you think and I've put plenty of headers in these so it's easy to find your place again.

Feel free to reach out with any asks. Barring confidentiality agreements, I'm an open book.

For legal purposes, all testimonies and commentary on this page or any of the documents linked from it are allegations. The screenshots, however, are evidence. Any edits will be very obvious and for the purpose of respecting confidentiality.

Also, I've got a searchable index of everything they've ever said on stream. Tell me what you're looking for; I'll let you know where it pops up (with timestamps!) and potentially maybe telling you where to find the video itself.

~~~~~~~~~~

Major posts:

My goal with these posts and documents is to provide as much context and evidence as possible, so please remember to take care of yourself if you need to and take a break. It's a wild ride full of deeply upsetting behavior. All of the abuse-related CWs, short of flat-out physical violence.

This is only what I've put out, though, so please check out @poppyandzena for more testimonies. There are a lot.

LUXANDER STREAM - The debut of AH2 and Poppyamory 2+3 with excellent commentary. A great place to start, and if you have trouble reading lots of text, a great alternative to reading it yourself.

P&Z: Abusive Hypocrites (Part 2) - A TLDR overview of the public information available so far about PZ's conflicts with Noehflake, Dormiyu, and Spawn. A good place to start if you just want to skip to the current stuff.

Poppyamory 3: Poppy's (Para)Social Media Presence? - Poppy's online presence shows a pattern of questionable behavior.

Poppyamory 2: is poppy acephobic? - A collection of screenshots of several times where Hayleigh expressed not being interested in sex and that she was potentially/probably asexual, only to have Poppy fight against it however she could.

Poppyamory 1: what PZ are hiding about their visit to Noehflake - An exhaustive collection of DMs preceding and following the alleged "rape by deception" in December. It completely demolishes any notion that Hayleigh did not clearly communicate how she felt about the relationship before the trip.

Spawn 1: what PZ are hiding about their kid - (also, those paying attention may have noticed it was doc 3, like I'd said 😉)

Poppy and SFW Spaces (Part 1 and Part 2) - Poppy has some weird ideas about what SFW entails, including around minors. Part 1 has several examples, part 2 looks at how they handled a situation where someone said they were uncomfortable with it.

P&Z: Abusive Hypocrites (Part 1: Milena) - My account of the conflict that ended my relationship with Poppy (and Zena). Pales in comparison to what we learn in later docs, but still contains extensive evidence of how they handle themselves in private.

Other significant posts:

Deep Cover - How I navigated going undercover with Poppy for over two and a half months.

Doc 3 is about PZ's kid - My initial announcement that I was in touch with Spawn and that I was planning on releasing a doc for them.

Does Poppy normally share private information with her mods and close friends on the server? - TLDR: yes; also confirmed by two other former mods on here.

My thoughts on Poppy's controversial kinks - TLDR let's not kinkshame the general kink, let's make sure we're being very specific with evidence-based accusations.

Poppy calling me "psychotic" in her posts - Just a shining example of one of the many behaviors that a professional therapist should know better than to indulge in.

Zena's PMDD does not excuse their behavior

Posts from others about PZ's split with Courtney Orchard and Britt:

Poppy's sexual harassment of Britt

Why they got into a fight with Courtney

What they did when things deteriorated between them and Courtney

DO NOT PEDOJACKET POPPY

Courtney on Poppy, kink, and abuse

Why you shouldn't listen to Essence of Thought about any of this

None of us were knowingly protecting Poppy

Why are you doing this?

@zenaandpoppyonyoutube are an engaged pair of content creators who have positioned themselves and their community as a safe place for neurodivergent, traumatized, emotionally vulnerable, and queer people, including specifically being a safe place for Lily Orchard's victims and fans to escape to. Poppy is a professional licensed therapist. Zena is... there.

Unfortunately, while they say the right things, what they do is a completely different matter. If you're here, you want to know more.

If you're here because of the Courtney Orchard situation, hopefully this will provide enough additional context to make their behavior in the situation make more sense, or as much sense as it can make.

I'm making this post to catalogue the most important information about this subject, including linking to relevant documents and accounts. The goal is twofold:

to protect online communities from them

to provide a space for other survivors of their abuse to feel understood and heard

Why are you waging a hate campaign against a fellow trans woman?

Because this is not a hate campaign; it's a callout of PZ's patterns of harmful and dangerous behavior. It tends to start small and then turn into something genuinely horrifying. Nobody who treats people the way that they do in private should be in any position to tell anyone what's best for their mental health, much less be regarded as authorities, role models, and community leaders.

They're not big now, but Poppy is charismatic, quick on her feet with responses, and weirdly mean-spirited sometimes; somewhat of a perfect combination for the leftist political space. Even now, I know people with friends on their server who've said that those friends have been slowly getting more bitter, judgmental, and cruel.

They have the potential to gain some real momentum. They're a toxic influence that will spread their genuinely harmful ideas about how relationships and boundaries work, particularly to younger people. While their usual content ranges from uniquely insightful to petty drama squabbles, those segments aren’t the issue. These concerns come up when they’re discussing their personal lives, sometimes even making it into their main segments and published videos.

~~~~~~~~~~

Why not just let this go? You know you look insane to most people, right?

Because what started as a Twitter thread responding to them taking our personal matters on stream has cascaded into me being a support contact and safe haven for fans and victims of theirs.

You might think this is petty content creator drama, but I promise you, it's so much worse. PZ are an exceptionally unwell couple who have left a trail of vulnerable people in their wake, even more broken than they were initially. This goes beyond messy break-ups; we're talking about brutal gaslighting and abuse that derails people's lives, cutting people with abandonment issues off from their friends and community, and driving partners to new depths of abuse trauma that they're left untangling for months (and years).

We're talking about familial abuse, prioritizing their own pride over the safety of abuse victims, and the relentless use of diagnoses as shields against criticisms of their behavior, including Poppy's questionable understanding of sexual boundaries and appropriateness due to her hypersexuality.

This is not just drama. I'm not being hyperbolic when I say that they've already almost killed someone, and with the kind of people that they attract, it's only a matter of time before that "almost" doesn't apply anymore.

These aren't just abusers; these are self-righteous monsters who refuse to recognize or acknowledge the damage that they continue to cause, and are skilled at twisting the narrative to match the version that makes them feel the most justified in their behaviors.

They're not going to get better. We've tried. They don't even see the problem with their behavior in the first place.

[dindjiarin]

Sierra Six x Analyst!Reader

In response to an Anon ask, I give you this little one-shot. 🥰

Summary: As a CIA analyst, you've been assigned to help Sierra Six twice. This second time proves a little smutty for you.

Random Notes: Long-haired female reader, usage of words I feel weird writing, Six slighty OOC (hard to write that man as a lover sometimes) but I based him on how he is in Ballistic (Book 3).

TAGS: Smut, explicit sexual content, porn no plot, fluff(y), Six's uncontrollable angst, unprotected sex, bathroom sex, fluff, happy ending, ambiguous ending.

WORD COUNT: 5.3k

ANON ASK

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Six sits on a stone bench inside a cacophonous mall. His target is a mid-level trafficker: forties, American, good-looking. The kind of man who could successfully sell anything. The criminal sits at a table across the cavernous room, waiting for a buyer who will never show. 

In D.C. for an op, Six is pleasantly surprised to hear a long-awaited voice over his comms.

"Good afternoon, oh-Six. It's very nice to see you again." He can hear your big smile. 

"Considering I can't see you, I'll settle for saying that it's nice to hear you," though he wants to, Six doesn't smile for operational security.

He gets back to business, "I have eyes." 

"I’m sure you've done your homework, Six, but I still have to tell you that there's an alley twenty meters behind the service doors, and Tally One will be using it to exit."

Six doesn't respond. He did do his homework. This was a run-of-the-mill mission. This man would be dead in that alley within ten minutes, and the world would be better off because of it. Six needed to exert no brain power over it. His thoughts instead drifted to taking advantage of being on the same continent as you. 

Six months ago, he'd been in Peru for a week on an assignment. You'd been his analyst. However, your involvement had been remote - providing Six with data via phone calls. The sweetness in your voice couldn't be mistaken for anything other than a good soul. He'd enjoyed the warmhearted, personal way you'd spoken to him. He'd seen your file in the mission documents and noted your staff photo. Six was surprised to find himself looking forward to your phone calls. He'd thought about you often since Peru, hoping you’d be assigned together again. 

         ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ten minutes later, Six stands above the body of the trafficker. It was as cut and dry as he had planned, and the man never even saw it coming. Six wipes the knife and tosses it next to the body. Typically, other members of the CIA would come clean house, but they were content to leave this guy for the locals.

You pop your head from around the corner of the alley, your hair swinging out like a pendulum. Six notices the movement and his head snaps up to address the threat, but a jolt shoots through him at the sight of you. Bizarrely, he wants to shield you from the sight of the body, so he steps in front of it. 

You round the corner and smile gratefully at his chivalrous gesture. 

"It is so strange. I’ve been involved in the deaths of targets, but seeing their bodies in person is something else.” You're contemplative, staring at the man’s motionless form.

He doesn't reply, too distracted by you being physically present. You had been in a CIA polo and your hair had been pulled back in your employee photo, but now that you were blending in in civilian clothes, he could finally, properly see you. His heart beats faster.

You hold out your hand, wanting to introduce yourself officially. 

"This is my first time out in the field. I’m glad they set me up with a legend like you, Six." You beam at him, then your tone softens, “I enjoyed talking to you last time.”  

"Being a legend isn’t very fun, let me assure you."

He takes your hand. You can't help another grin. His hand is much larger than yours, and he holds onto it a second longer than he should. 

He continues inelegantly, “I’m also glad it’s you here today.”

"Our ride is in five blocks. Are you okay to go?" You ask in case he had been injured. 

The genuine concern on your face makes him want to smile. No one ever cared unless he was visibly bleeding. 

He motions for you to lead the way, and it's one of the least altruistic acts he's ever committed. Six shamelessly let his eyes rove. The knee-length sundress you have on hugs your waist perfectly, your hair swings as you stroll, and when you turn to look back at him, Six feels his heartbeat speed up again. His characteristic near-smile appears on his face, which causes butterflies to take flight in you. 

He’s so intimidating, you think. What is he smiling at? 

Two blocks after leaving the alleyway, you spot a group of cops standing around eating lunch. Six eyes them as they lean down to listen to their radios, and he knows the body’s been found. They collectively trash their food and begin to jog in your direction.

Thinking quickly, you grab Six’s hand and turn into him, placing your other hand on his chest. He instinctively puts his arm around your waist, and you tilt your head up, pretending to be deep in loving conversation. 

The cops run by you both without a second glance. You take a steadying breath, peeking around Six to make sure they’re gone. Once certain, you look back up at him. His arms haven’t released you, and his face looks like you’ve struck him. 

Six knows what you’ve done was purely tactical, but he feels like he’s just short-circuited. All thoughts of avoiding detection have left his mind, replaced by the feeling of you. He could smell the buttercream scent of your nude lipstick. He could feel your chest rising and falling against his own. 

“We’re clear,” you whisper. 

He nods and lets go of you unwillingly. 

You notice his hesitation and your body tightens at the thrill. Sierra Six does not think of me that way. Be professional, you tell yourself. 

Wandering through downtown D.C., you navigate the busy streets until the two of you reach a black SUV. Six gallantly opens the front passenger door for you, which he’s satisfied to see makes you blush. Six gets in the driver’s seat and pulls away from the curb. He’s navigating as deftly as he can, but this city is one of the busiest in the world, and Six is well-known for his poor driving skills. The CIA’s best asset is no match for metropolitan traffic. You decide to pass the time.

“Have you been enjoying being back in the States?” You ask timidly. 

You’re fiddling with the hem of your dress, which does not escape Six’s notice.

“I am now,” he says. 

What does that mean? “I hope you’re able to see family, or friends, or whoever while you’re back. I’m sure it’s difficult being away all the time.” 

He doesn’t answer, which makes you nervous that you’ve touched a raw subject. You can’t know that he’s trying to work up the courage to let you in. To connect with you.

“I’m sorry,” you almost whisper, “I don’t mean to be too forward.” 

Your hands twist in your lap. Six’s close proximity is making your heart thump wildly, and you feel self-conscious.

Six is fascinated by your incongruous personality. You are sweet and kind. How did you wind up in such a cutthroat, gritty workplace? So, he asks. In Six’s straightforward way.

“How do you work for the CIA?” 

“Oh, I have a few degrees in communications, languages, and finance.” 

He raises his eyebrows at you, so you add, “I couldn’t decide what I wanted to study, so I tried them all. And then my aunt - she works in Operations - said I should try for a position as an analyst.”

Six laughs, “I never finished high school.” 

Because you hear the bitterness masked in his words, you kindly lay a hand on his arm. You feel the hard muscles tense beneath your touch, which was the opposite of your intention, but you aren’t aware of how touch-starved he is. His knuckles tighten on the steering wheel. 

“I know enough about the Sierra program to know why you didn’t. I don’t know what happened, but I’m sure the justice system failed you given your age.”

The vehicle lurches to a stop at another red light. Six looks over at you, amazed at your desire to soothe him. No one had ever tried to cheer him up over his own crime - except maybe Fitzroy. His jaw is clenched as he sorts out his thoughts. Six does not want to drop you off at the Langley headquarters right now, so he finally emboldens himself.

“Have you eaten?” His face is unreadable. He grimaces internally, wishing he could’ve worded that more clearly.

Not getting the hint, and hoping your admission about his past didn’t offend him, your words stumble over each other, “Oh, uh, no. I haven’t. But, if you don’t mind - I hate to even tell you this - but analysts don’t get paid all that much, so I never eat out,” you explain. “My sandwich is back at the office.” 

The light changes, and he’s forced to turn away, but he tries to clarify, “I’m- asking you out for dinner.” 

Oh.

“You- what?” 

Your heart feels like it’s going to pound through your chest. The blood rushes in your ears. No one had asked you on a date since you’d started at the agency, and the first person to do so was Sierra Six? 

He tosses you a minuscule smile before returning his eyes to the road. Six should’ve known your diffident nature wouldn’t allow you to flirt, but he wasn’t any good at it, either. He chuckles under his breath at the comedy routine this was becoming.

A small, disbelieving giggle leaves your lips. “Okay, yeah! I’d love to, Six.” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You’re seated at a nice restaurant. Nice enough that they had a coat check, and the bathrooms had antechambers with chaise lounges. Six wasn’t trying to impress you; he just liked the steak here. It never crossed his mind that you might think he was trying to show off his means. Despite his humble beginnings, Six hadn’t thought about money in nearly thirty years - thanks to prison and the CIA. 

“This place is so fancy,” you laugh. “Am I going to get kicked out for my dress?” It has spaghetti straps, and you’re worried.

“Do they do that?” Six had no idea if this restaurant had a dress code. He was always in a suit, anyway. Six frowns at his own lack of knowledge and chides himself for getting lazy in the U.S. His words don't assuage your worry, but you figure they probably wouldn’t have let you in to begin with. 

“I don’t see how anyone could have a problem with it.” He reasons, “I like it. It's very s-” He cuts himself off at the way you're squirming.

 “Thank you,” you feel hot again. You shyly duck your head.

You are nervous. Six didn’t need his extensive training in body language to tell him that. Six wonders if a non-physical compliment might make you feel more at ease.

“You were kind to me in Peru. That’s uncommon in this business.” 

You meet his attentive gaze, shake your head at his words, and sigh, “That makes me sad. I guess when you see the worst of humanity day after day, it does one of two things to people. It hardens or softens them.” 

“What do you think it does to me?” He asks.

You hesitate, wondering if you should be honest. “I think you’re one of the rare exceptions where it does both.”

Six sits back in his chair. “Soft is a dirty word in my line of work.”

You smile, your confidence growing. You shift forward onto your elbows, “That’s the beauty of you. You’re the only operative I’ve ever heard of who is so -” You remember you’re in public, “So good at your job but selective about your targets. You’re like Batman.” You raise an eyebrow in mock conspiracy.

Six laughs, loudly, which surprises both of you. “Batman? Jesus, that’s a first.”

“You’re better, actually,” you continue. “The things you do can be terrible - certainly the ones you go after think so,” you laugh awkwardly. “But the reality is that those terrible things do more harm to you. And you do them anyway because it’s what’s necessary. You’re a good man. You put everyone else above you.” 

It’s the most passionately he’s heard you speak, and he forces down the lump in his throat. Six did not agree with you. He was inside his own head, and he knew exactly how little the acts he committed affected him. He didn’t understand that that was exactly what you meant. That the coldness in which he insulated himself also froze him out from the warmth.

“There are things the CIA does not know about me,” he says carefully. He clasps his hands on the table. “And you would not think they were good.” 

“You’re human, Six.” You soothe, placing one hand over his. “You aren’t perfect, and you shouldn’t hold yourself to a standard that no one else does.” 

Six falls into your eyes for a moment, stunned by the grace and sincerity. His eyes start to tour around your face, appreciating your features, before stumbling over your parted lips. His own part involuntarily, and you feel a twist of tension in your gut. 

His eyes don’t leave their target as he asks, “You really think I’m a good man?” 

“I mean - I don’t know you personally, I guess, but… yes. Given what I do know and how I feel about you having met you.” You blush at your choice of words, but it was honest. 

“Would a good man want to do the things I want to do to you?” It’s said in a thick voice. 

He feels guilty for his lustful thoughts, but they just won’t stop. He's drawn to your goodness like a moth to a flame.

Your mouth goes dry, and you answer in a whisper, “I - I don’t know.” 

He smirks in a self-deprecating manner. His eyes flick back up to yours. “I think the answer’s ‘no.’” 

“Six -” you start, but the waiter comes by to bring your food. 

You’re no longer hungry given the look in the eyes of the man across from you. All you want to do now is take him back to your apartment and show him what you really think of him.

You thank the waiter - twice while he refills your water - and he leaves the two of you alone again. You’re speechless now, feeling awkward, wondering how to suggest it.

Six feels more awkward. He was trying not to scare you away, but instead, all he seems to do was put his foot in his mouth. He decides to change the subject abruptly.

“Do you have family?” 

“Oh, uh, yes.” You’ve got whiplash from the differences in subject matter, but you tell him about your family. You mention that you’re alone in D.C. “It gets lonely on the holidays. I try to bring in some cheerfulness to the office since there are others like me, but I feel like I don’t really make a dent.” You admit.

“I’m sure you do. I already told you that you made a dent for me six months ago.” Six tries to argue. He finds it hard to believe that you couldn’t lift anyone’s mood, but he also knows the kind of assholes that work at the CIA.

You don’t make eye contact, still feeling unsteady and surprised at the turn your day has taken. Six can read your body language, but his translation is off. He believes he’s offended you, and he’s already trying to manage his anger at himself. Six had waited half of a year to be assigned together again, and now he was blowing it because he had the social graces of a monkey. 

“Excuse me. I’ll be right back,” he pushes back from his chair and buttons his jacket. 

You notice the look on his face as he gets up and turns away. While your training isn’t as thorough as his, your translation is spot on. You watch as he opens the men’s room door and vanishes.

You make a split-second decision. 

Standing, you walk the fifty paces toward the bathroom doors. They’re rather far from the tables, you note happily. You swivel your head from side to side trying to see if anyone is watching as you pull open the men’s room instead of the women’s.

Inside, the antechamber is a deep red with artwork adorning every inch of space on the walls. You turn and see that the door locks with a deadbolt, so you throw it in place. Classical music is piped in, and a violin cries as you turn the corner to see Six standing at the sink, adjusting his jacket sleeves. 

Six is visibly shocked to see you. He whirls around, pulls his gun, and races over to you. 

“What’s wrong?” He’s immediately on alert.

You smile but it falters, your bravado beginning to disappear now that you’re face-to-face with him and he misunderstood your entrance. 

No turning back now, you decide.

You grab his jacket’s lapel and pull him down into a kiss. His face remains impassive for several seconds as he tries to wrap his mind around what’s taking place. You part your lips, kissing him a second time, then a third time, before he finally starts to relax his own lips. 

Once he reciprocates, you grab his biceps, pushing him backward in the direction you hope the furniture is. He lets you push him, which oddly makes the tension in your stomach coil faster. Six’s knees fold partially when they connect with the edge of the chaise; he sits down, grabbing your thighs in the process. His gun is discarded beside him. 

Your hands frantically unbutton his jacket. He shrugs out of it. His white t-shirt leaves his scarred, tattooed arms bare to you. You rake your nails tenderly down his skin and he shudders. His lips move with yours. His tongue enters your mouth just enough to drive you wild. You lecherously note when his dick twitches underneath you.

Six’s hands come up to cradle your face, wanting to be delicate at first, but he’s ashamed to have initially thought this was a ruse. It makes him overcompensate. His hands drop to skate up your dress, his fingers digging into the soft flesh of your thighs, your ass. He pulls your body down against him roughly. Six smirks at the desperate noise you make. He wants to hear everything he can make you say. 

You’re wearing the worst possible underwear, of course, as there was no thought in your mind that this would be happening. They’re old, thin cotton with holes in them. They were comfortable, but they were ugly. 

Feeling frumpy, you pull out of the kiss to breathlessly tell him, “Wish I’d worn something nicer,”

You feel a jerk and hear a ripping sound as Six hooks his fingers in the elastic waistband and pulls them apart easily, his arms flexing underneath your hands.

He leans forward to taste your lips again, and mumbles, “Now I don’t have to replace them.” 

Your fingers move to unzip his pants, and he groans when they graze his swelling bulge. You slide his pants down to his knees - you don’t need them all the way off, you just need him - before settling onto your knees. Your hips buck of their own volition, all-but riding his naked thigh. He clamps a hand over your mouth to muffle the cry you let out at the relief. 

“Fuck,” he laughs softly, entranced by the blissful satisfaction on your face. 

His laugh makes his cock jump, which reminds you of something you’d thought of often when regarding Six. 

You stand, then drop to the tile floor on your knees. You quickly twist your hair into a bun, using your scrunchie to keep it out of your way. You trail your fingers down his muscular thighs, pulling his boxers down now as well. You pull his pants further (now you really do need them gone). You look up at him, wondering if this is okay.

Six is not breathing. His blonde hair is mussed from your hands. His white t-shirt is his only article of clothing. He’s looking down at the sight before him like it’s a cosmic event. His heart pounding, Six watches as your lips, the very same lips he felt depraved over earlier, wrap around his aching cock. He groans as your cheeks hollow and you start an agonizingly slow drag. His eyes close in bliss but he forces them back open. He does not want to miss a moment of this. 

You cup one hand underneath his testicles as your other hand strokes along his velvety shaft, working in tandem with your mouth. Your tongue teases along a vein and Six’s hips jerk slightly. You hum, gratified. You wiggle around, your heels pressing into your clit to relieve yourself somewhat. 

You relax your muscles, taking him until his tip hits the back of your throat and you gag quietly. Tears spring to your eyes as you make eye contact with him, and he almost cums right there. 

“Fuck,” he says again, a strained whisper this time. He grasps your chin and eases himself from your mouth, explaining, “You come first.”

The back of your hand comes up to wipe your mouth, before you’re straddling his lap once more. His lips and teeth and tongue work at your neck, your chest, while his hands push down the straps of your dress to give him more access. 

You can feel him, heavy and straining beneath you, and you can’t stop yourself from sliding your hands along his shaft. You tease the head of his cock against your folds, causing both of you to groan. 

Suddenly, you’re on your back. The chaise scrapes the floor in protest. You almost lose your breath with the speed he’d tucked you underneath him. But you’re not complaining. He sheds his shirt, and now Six is completely nude. 

He’s so beautiful. You feel so pleasantly small underneath him and his intensely warm gaze. Six is making you feel protected and admired. It’s an overwhelming feeling. Your fingers press against the pinup tattoo on his left pectoral as if to feel the ink impression. 

I’m still dressed, it flashes in your mind. As you complete that thought, however, he rucks up your skirt and pulls the bodice down, leaving you exposed to him.

Six wastes no time palming your breasts, unabashedly enjoying them. He shifts closer to kiss you, while the movement edges his cock along your entrance. 

Six barely leaves your lips, you can still feel his breath, but he locks eyes with you as he tilts his hips and pushes the tip of his heated cock inside you. 

Your gasp breaks into a moan, your eyes wide. You grasp at his neck with one hand while the other flutters to his hip. 

Six throbs at your reaction. He leans back more, settling his hands on your breasts again, and uses the motion to push himself deeper. You keen at the fullness and watch as his eyes close with a groan. They fly open, black in lust, when he bottoms out. You shiver in your own desire, and he bends down over you, thinking you’re cold. He pushes a lock of hair behind your ear, and you wonder how in the world he could think he’s a bad man.

His hand grabs your left hip, holding you still, while the other hand covers your mouth. His thumb caresses your chin. Six drags his cock along your walls, reveling in the hot grip around him. He pulls out completely before easing back in, just as slow. Six is absorbing every little expression, every ridge inside you, every little sound you make. 

Your chest lifts, wanting to be as close to him as possible. He’s almost fully seated inside you again when he suddenly thrusts hard, letting out a grunt as he does so. A small scream is muffled by his hand. He does it again, and it sends a shockwave up your body. He continues, rocking his hips into you faster, hitting some spot inside you that’s beginning to make you feel lightheaded. You’re making sounds without a care, knowing he’s got you there, too. 

He withdraws from you with a strangled sound and rolls you onto your stomach. He pulls your hips toward him, raising you onto your hands and knees. You giggle, arching your back for him. A deep groan rolls in Six's chest at the sight of you so willing and pliant for him. 

You feel his hands grip your hips, his fingers curling into your thighs, as he slowly re-enters your body. The invasion feels even better this time. He pushes himself inside again, his body rigid at first, savoring the way your walls let him in. His balls swing against your clit sinfully. You feel like you're being split in two, and you bite your forearm to soften your cry. Six does no such thing. His broken moan is not loud, but it reverberates in the room, setting fire to your body.

Six rolls his hips dramatically, wanting you to feel every inch of him. He sluggishly builds his speed, mesmerized by the way your body moves with his. You throw an arm out in front of you, bracing against the arm of the lounge. Six reaches forward to masturbate you, and you press your face into the cushion to whine, your face rubbing on the fabric with his rhythm.

Six leans over you, his thrusts never stopping, and carefully rips the scrunchie from its place. He grasps your hair again, wrapping it around his fist, and gently pulls you back until your head is on his shoulder. You can feel him grunting and panting on your damp skin. 

Your hands reach behind you for some purchase and you find it in his hair. His fingers continue to work your nerves perfectly. You feel the cliff approaching, and you open your mouth to tell him, but he hits a particularly sensitive spot and you splinter. Sheer, white-hot pleasure rips through you. Your toes curl viciously. Your knees buckle and Six falls with you. You clamp one hand over your own mouth to dampen the torrent of cries. Your walls clench around Six as he continues to plunge himself into you, though faltering slightly. He’s breathing heavily in your ear, and you finally recognize that he’s murmuring. 

“So good. Fuck, you’re so good.” 

It’s as if he’s not even talking to you; Six is just telling the universe. You’re pretty sure he’s not aware he’s voicing his thoughts. You tilt your head back in search of his praising mouth, and he understands, surging forward to kiss you from behind. He drops your hair, letting it fan out along your back. 

His movements begin to stutter and his hands massage your breasts. Into your shoulder, he grunts with each laborious thrust. You feel lightheaded with bliss. You look back at him again and he notices the mascara running from your lust filled eyes. Six could not be more aroused than this and it finally breaks him. He groans as he buries himself inside your tight heat, coming hard in a burst of final thrusts.

You both sit in this position for several moments, trying to catch your breath and hoping you've not been heard. He kisses your temple as he carefully leaves your body. You miss him already.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Six was gone. It had been nearly two months since your tryst in the fancy bathroom. Immediately after dressing that day, he had been called and sent off to some far reach of the world, and you'd heard nothing from him.

It was terrible. You had no closure, no explanation on what that was or if it meant anything. You went about your job as usual. Despite working for the self-proclaimed intelligence agency, you learned nothing of Six. You knew he was okay - he was too strong, too lucky for anything serious to have happened. No, what you worried about was whether or not you'd ever see him again. And why the thought of never seeing him again made your heart break. You eventually pushed every thought of Six away, trying to block out the memory of him. 

One quiet evening, you sit munching on crackers at your desk. Only one track of fluorescent lighting illuminates your office, and the other desks are empty. Everyone else has gone home, but you sit hoping for some news of Six. Normally, you don’t sit here after hours, but it's Friday - the only day you allow yourself to think about him - and you'll have to spend the whole weekend in the metaphorical dark. 

He's the Gray Man, you dumbass. You need to get over him. You feel like crying over your inability to let go of Sierra Six, but crying makes you feel worse, so only a few tears make it down your cheeks. 

You gather your things and sling your bag over your shoulder. Stepping out into the brightly-lit hallway, you see a figure walking toward you from the far end. 

You swipe at your tears, but you're sure the person saw your motion which was just as obvious. Your eyes are blurred, but you realize it's a tall, blonde man in a gray suit. His steps are quick, determined.

Your stomach seizes up in nervousness. Is it him? Surely not, there's no reason for him to be here now. 

But as you blink away the blurriness, you recognize the strikingly blue eyes, the reserved smile. You lift a hand up in a timid wave, unsure how this is going to go. 

You're not left waiting long as he closes the distance within seconds. He doesn't exactly feel comfortable making the first move, but he knows from your body language that you're taking his lead. So, as he reaches you, his hand comes up to cup your damp cheek. 

"Hi." Your voice breaks on the short word. Was the gentle touch him trying to get back in your pants? Or did it mean something more? 

"You were crying?" His eyebrows furrow.

"I- It was a rough day." You answer lamely. Then you ask curiously, "What are you doing here?"

"Is it not obvious?" Six drops his hand, confused. He thought he had a flashing neon light above him: Six is In Love. 

"Everyone's gone home." You tell him, meaning the upper echelon who ran the Sierra program. 

"I don't care about them. I'm- I'm here to see you." Six says it cautiously, now concerned about what you'll say. 

Your voice is little more than a squeak, "For some company?" 

Six's eyebrows furrow again, deeper this time. He frowns.  "Not that kind. You think higher of me than that, don't you?"

"I did. I do. But I haven't heard from you in two months, Six. I'm not sure what happened that day. I don't know what you want and I can't stop wondering what you want." Tears well in your eyes again.

Relieved now, Six's laugh is more of a sigh. He cradles your face in his rough hands. 

His blue eyes burn into yours as he spells it out, "I want you. You and your soft kindness. I spent two months away because I had to. But I also had to come back." It's clear he means for you. "As for what happened, well… you came on to me in that bathroom." He smirks.

You smile up at him, joy sparking in your heart, your hands holding onto his arms. You had tried to forget Six, but he's the kind of man you can't forget - despite his Gray Man reputation.

"You're glowing," Six says reverently.

[robins-egg-bindery]

With the launch of @renegadepublishing’s code of conduct and formalized membership this week (as well as the shiny new DreamWidth hub!), I wanted to get some of my thoughts out there.

This has all been a project for some time now, and I don’t think anyone knew what it was going to turn into.

Renegade started with one man, @armoredsuperheavy, and grew into a movement that’s now 1,200+ and counting. He is the reason fanbinding came into the mainstream fandom consciousness the way it has, and I don’t see it going away anytime soon - it’s spreading faster than Tumblr’s weird ass chat function. Hundreds upon hundreds of books were made because of you, Ash; that’s a damn good legacy, imo.

But I digress - Renegade grew from one man to a handful of people in a little Discord server. The server grew. They started a Tumblr, and this is how it went for some time. When I joined, this is how it was - we were so excited to hit 500 members! But, surprisingly, for someone as terminally on Tumblr as I am - I actually discovered fanbinding through Instagram, then TikTok. I had to actively seek out fanbinding on Tumblr, because I knew it had to exist here if it was already on these mainstream platforms.

Nowadays, fanbinding is becoming increasingly controversial in some circles because of the commodification and commercialization that have taken root; the mantra I keep seeing is “Keep Fandom Free”. This seemed a self-evident truth to me; and I couldn’t understand why it felt like no one knew about Renegade, a league of fanbinders who believe in this very ideal.

In essence, it’s a two-pronged issue: fanbinding is rising in popularity (and controversy), but the advocates-for-free-resources community isn’t terribly visible. Renegade was tucked away on Tumblr, a hidden gem in a locked Discord. I felt like I had discovered buried treasure the day Ash sent me the link to join. So, an idea was birthed - to take Renegade to other platforms, to spread our message and introduce our gift economy ways - to shout from the rooftops about the free, incredible 88-page bible ASH wrote detailing every goddamned step on how to take a fic from AO3 and turn it into a physical book.

Once we got in the room to discuss what this would look like, we discovered we have lots of ideas. We have a community, and we’re all excited to build in it. To share and grow. To make it easier on the people who come after us, with guides and templates. We started thinking about events we could host; the Exchange and Binderary were birthed naturally in the Discord, and have grown in scope to include physical books mailed around the world, and free workshops coordinated and hosted for multiple timezones during the month of February. Fan Fiction Writer Appreciation Day, Banned Books Week, International Fanworks Day - the list goes on and on. More events that haven’t even been announced yet. More projects, ever churning to better our community.

The DreamWidth quickly became a hub to aggregate and host resources better than Tumblr could, to promote discussion and community in a gentler way than Discord was able to. But the controversy kept spinning across other swathes of fanbinding, and the question was raised - what do we believe in?

We are all so different and yet, so unified. We have members on 6 continents, who speak different languages, who belong to hundreds of different fandoms. But what, at it’s core, does it mean to be a part Renegade?

And so, the code of conduct was born.

A code of conduct is a set of standards, moral and ethical, that someone is expected to adhere to in order to interact with an organization. It’s not law - we’re not trying to police anyone, or tell them what to do. We’re telling people what we do - what we believe. There’s no punishment for disagreeing, nor should there be. The code is a mutable document written by members - and so it can be changed by members, and should be changed, as we grow and encounter new challenges. The safest hands are our own, right?

There will be push and pull on this document, but I think that’s a good thing. At the end of all of this, I’m excited for us to acknowledge our community values. I wear my Renegade Publishing badge with pride, because I’ve never seen another group of artists so supportive of each other, and generous with their knowledge. Ash has expounded upon this many a time, but Renegade has the feeling of old-school fandom that I’ve been missing. I haven’t felt this united with fandom since Mishapocalypse.

All jokes aside, I’m so glad I found Renegade. It’s brought so much to my life. Just last weekend, I met up with some local binders, and we had a little Renegade outing. Fandom friends, IRL, geeking out with each other over some books. Does it get any better than that?

Join the movement. Check out our resources! We’re excited to have you here.

[goodluckclove]

I have a project that I started for Nanorimo. I won Nano but after it was over I lost the motivation to write the last of the first draft. I think it’s a combination of not knowing exactly how to end it, not a lot of people to share it with, and being worried that I’m gonna re-read what I have and just find it bad.

Hello, Friend! Please, sit down. Take a deep breath. I'm going to say a variation of a form of writing advice that I'm sure you've heard a lot, but I'll hopefully elaborate it to the point where it clicks. I actually started writing through NaNoWriMo, it was a really great way to build up the muscle of consistent practice. Did my first six or so novels like that. Fun!

But I have good news and bad new about your first draft. The bad news is that it probably isn't perfect. The good news is that that's a great place to be in.

For one thing, NaNo specifically is not a traditional way to write a very stable first draft. People will spend years on what you've done in 30 days. To compare them is comparing your blanket fort with someone else's McMansion and thinking "dang what if my blanket fort never has faux-Roman arches".

Some people say their first drafts are perfect. This confuses me but I accept it and believe them when they say it. I do think that these people are not talking about drafts they carved out of word-flesh in a month or less. That's an entirely different game to play. When you hear people talk about how you're supposed to have a shitty first draft it could be hard to swallow. We don't want to feel like we put in all this hard work to make something shitty. So maybe I can say it a different way:

Your first draft is the skeletal structure of the story as a whole. It is the frame to what you're trying to achieve.

And I can say from experience that not liking your first draft doesn't feel the way you might think it will if you go at it the right way. I've written twelve books and there's only maybe two that I read fragments from and genuinely cringe. And even then there's still stuff I like about it.

Maybe you went into some kind of fugue state for a month and wrote a bunch of stuff that you hate every part of. You're a big high fantasy fan and you wrote a gritty detective novel. You love Dark Academia romance and when you read your NaNo you find it is just a list of every slur you could think of and new ones that could be added to the lexicon. If this happens to you then yes, your first draft is objectively terrible and you should probably take yourself to the hospital.

More likely your thoughts will look like this:

Maybe I should cut this. It's not really needed.

Oh I forgot the protagonist has this specific trait, I should remember that and incorporate more in the rest of the book

Hah yeah I see where I was going with this.

I should add more details about this concept, considering I now know about this other concept.

Hah man that's a lot of typos. (Assuming you're like me)

These are the types of things I have thought when I looked over literally every first draft I've ever edited since the dawn of my time as a writer. You are not likely to rend your clothes in shame and burrow underground. Even if you find some weird shift that happens in NaNo novels, like the genre or tone changing midway through the document - professional writers do that too. It can be a more efficient way to explore the space you're working it.

It can be a really interesting challenge! It helps too that you took some time off - I try and take at least a week between draft edits, even though it can be painful. You'll be able to see it with fresher eyes.

My usual strategy for editing my own drafts is to read from the top with curiosity and excitement and treat it like a puzzle. Is this what I want? Can it be better? Was there something I missed? Incidentally, when I'm stuck at a point in the novel I use the same trick and it helps every time. It's how Chuck Palahinuik did Fight Club!

So yeah you already did a huge thing by finishing a NaNo. Why not take a look back, if not just to enjoy the crazy and chaotic fruits of your effort?

Also - in regards to people not reading your work. Out of 12 novels I've probably had 3 read all the way through. It can suck, but it's okay and it doesn't mean they aren't good. Validate yourself and enjoy your own writing and start putting shit online/self-publishing/querying to take a chance!

[down-in-devildom]

Coffee

Creepy!Personal Assistant Midoriya x GN!Reader

18+ only

Warnings: food tampering, food kink?, obsession, very creepy behavior

   It has been about four or so months since you hired your new personal assistant and your work life has never been so easy. Midoriya is very vigilant and always so intune to whatever you could possibly need, well before you could even ask for it. He was a bit odd, you would have to admit, but the way he looked at you really showed you that he admired you and your work. Who didn’t like their ego stroked from time to time anyway? He was so quick to give you praise for even the smallest of things, to the point that it almost came across as if he was teasing you. Not that you would honestly think he was though, he was way too earnest. 

   His efficiency knew no bounds. He always had a spare outfit ready for you in your work cabinet in case you had to work overtime and needed to freshen up. You didn’t even tell him your measurements, you think. He was just that good! Midoriya would also always seem to know exactly what you are craving for dinner at the end of the work day or when you have to work overtime and a reservation for two or take out will be ordered. It was always kind of odd eating with Midoriya. It felt like he would always be too busy watching you eat to even touch his food. His cheeks would get flushed and you felt like a hole was being burned into your skull from how intense his stare was. He would also be breathing very heavily and it was a bit concerning. When you brought it to his attention one night, he seemed to just explain it away as nerves.

   “S-sorry, boss. I-I get really nervous eating in front of other people. So-social anxiety.” he stammered and you brushed it off. Everybody had their hang ups and you weren’t about to turn down his company after he kept going above and beyond for you.

   Your mind is brought back to the present moment by Midoriya placing a steaming hot cup of coffee in front of you. You look down into the cup and grimace a little. It would seem the only thing Midoriya couldn’t do was make a decent cup of coffee. Midoriya insisted that the new imported coffee roasted beans he special ordered for you were one of the best in the world. It always tasted a bit bitter to you, in a weird way. At your discretion, Midoriya started adding some crème to the coffee but it seemed to only make it worse. You contemplated asking for sugar or for the beans to be tossed out, but with how much work Midoriya went through to get these supposedly really sought after coffee beans, you decided to just suck it up and admit that you just can’t appreciate good coffee, apparently. 

   You take a sip of the slightly lightened coffee after blowing on it. You can’t help but pull a face when you set the cup down and look up at Midoriya, who is still standing on the other side of the desk, looking at you. He has such a funny looking smile on his face whenever you drink his coffee. Maybe he is just happy that you are still giving it a chance even though you clearly hate it. You can’t help but feel a full body shudder overtake you for a split second though. Strange.

   You clear your throat and go back to looking at the documents you pulled up on your screen.

   “Has my two o’clock appointment for Wednesday confirmed with us yet?”

   “Yes, they have,” Midoriya says, “I also went ahead and finished planning your business trip to Kyoto. It seems like it will be six nights due to the rather big charter deal. I have already booked you an appointment with a luxury onsen on the last night so that you may relax a little before flying back. I also managed to squeeze in an omakase reservation with that one restaurant that was featured in the travel tabloid you keep under your desk. I have also since confiscated the magazine to help you better focus on your work.”

   “I can’t tell if you are spoiling me or if you are my mother!” You can’t help but laugh. See? This is precisely why you kept Midoriya around. Well, you can do without him going through your stuff but you guess someone has to keep you on track.

   There is a knock on your large mahogany door before one of the head managers of the financial department comes rushing in.

   “Sorry to interrupt, but there has been a major miscommunication with one of the mills and we really need you to come and talk to our clients before they try to storm out of the briefing.” The person at the door looked rather frazzled and you can already feel a headache coming on.

   “Yes, yes. I’m coming. Midoriya, can you please stay here and finish sending off the emails to the third branch for me? It is really important that it is done before the end of the day. I’ll have someone else take notes for me during this meeting. Expect me back no later than 8.”

   “Of course,” Midoriya says while you rush by to follow the financial manager. “I’ll have another fresh coffee ready for you by the time you get back so that you can review your documents.”

   With that in mind, you head into the meeting to try to soothe things over and discussions get tiresome rather quickly. You just can’t wait to go back to your office and stuff some take out in your face. You may even be looking forward to that disgusting cup of coffee at this point.

   With the meeting coming to a close, you send a quick text to Midoriya with your company cell phone to let him know you would be back in about twenty minutes. You were just saying goodbye to the clients and walking them out the door but things were finishing up faster than you expected. You were in the elevator before you knew it and heading up to your office suite.

   When the elevator pinged and the doors opened to your private lobby, you noticed Midoriya wasn’t at his desk. He must have been inside making good on his promise of delivering you a fresh mug of coffee. It was a bit too early though, you thought, if he was going based on the original estimate. Oh well.

   The door to the office itself was left ajar so you just slowly push it open and start to take off your outer suit jacket and toss it on one of the leather couches that inhabit the space. The side door that leads to the small nook that holds the wet bar and coffee machine is open. It seemed to always be closed whenever Midoriya was in there fixing you something to drink, so it was odd seeing the door ajar. You head over to peek inside and let Midoriya know that you have returned.

   “Nah-ah,” you hear from outside the doorway. It sounded like…

   “Mmm-ha,” You definitely were not mistaken that time. And if the little pants and moans were not a clue enough for you, the rather slick sound of wet skin was a dead giveaway. You contemplate coming back but this is your office, darn it! What the hell did Midoriya think he was doing? He was always so well mannered that this behavior seemed out of character for him.

   You square your shoulders and round the barrier of the doorway so you can confirm your suspicions and can’t help but freeze at the sight being a whole lot worse than you could have ever imagined. 

   There was Midoriya, pants open and his work shirt bunched up into his mouth as if to help muffle his pants and moans. His hand is working furiously over his hard cock and his hips are thrusting forward every once in a while to really fuck his fist. In his other hand is one of your coffee mugs, posed as if to catch his spend. You stay frozen as you watch him tremble and you can faintly hear a muffled version of your name slip past the makeshift gag in his mouth as rope after rope of thick cum is shot into the waiting mug. It seems like his load would never end before the last rope lands halfway into the mug and half on the rim. He then takes the mug and brings it closer to his still hard cock and runs the head of his dick around the rim, really smearing the pearly white liquid around before pulling the mug away and setting it on the counter. He then reaches for the pot of steaming his coffee he must have brewed earlier and pours it over the cum in the mug.   

   When he turns around, you can’t even move to try to hide. Your feet are rooted and there seems to be no escaping from the smile Midoriya sends your way. 

   He knew.

   He knew you were watching and now he is looking at you in that weird way again. His eyes are dilated and he is flushed and panting. His cock is still out and gives a twitch as he looks you dead in the eye and brings the tainted coffee up to his lips and gives it a sip. The smile he gives you when he is done is sickening and you can’t help but feel absolute dread.

   “Ah, your coffee is ready. Just how you like it.”

[dolce-tenebra-toscana]

La squadra and what languages (other than italian ) i think they might speak:

Risotto ✂️: Greek 🇬🇷

Italy is very close to Greece, and i think Risotto participated to some summer camps with his church group ( his granny had some connections with the local diocese ) and so he spent 4/5 years of his childhood in the island of Corfù. He knows the basics of the language and can keep up with a conversation but if people start talking to fast his brain shuts down and start singing " Ciuri Ciuri " by Roy Paci.

Prosciutto 🍖: French 🇫🇷

Ok so with Prosciutto is a lil complicated; his mother was a piano teacher that traveled a lot in France for concerts and sometimes he hat to attend to ( or do his own recital) and being the son of two cold hearted perfectionists he was supposed to speak fluently the language at first try. At the age of 15 ( when he decided he had enough of his family and ran away to Napoli ) he decided to put his knowledge aside and speak only in italian or the sicilian dialect, cause his hate for the tongue was rooted so deep inside of him. Eventually Risotto found out about it and knows that if he needs someone to translate some documents in french,Prosciutto is the right man!

Melone 🍈: Chinese 🇨🇳

The city of Prato has one of the largest Chinese community in Italy and Melone, being the lil know it all he is, was more than happy to add this skill to his curriculum. He started when he was in university and of course the first thing he tried to do was flirt with the chinese students from the Erasmus program ( his pronounce was terrible at first and received so many slaps in the face ) but the more he practiced the more he actually started enjoying the complexity and history behind the language. Now he uses it when he has to do some hacker jobs or just finding weird sited for his " alone nights "....yes i know, this mann CAN'T be normal.

Illuso 🔎: German 🇩🇪

Illuso's father was born and raised in Dresden but during a lil trip in Torino, was mesmerized by the beauty of an italian brunette...3 months later he found himself living in a loveless marriage with her and their unborn baby. Now, he didn't love his wife but he truly loved his son and he did everything he could to teach young illuso about his german heritage: he spoke to him in german when his wife wasn't around, sang his childhood's lullabies to him, made illuso watch cartoons and read comic books in german...La Squadra's favourite narcissist may act all tough and brag about his high level skills with the language but truth is, he just remembers fondly those memories with his late father.

Ghiaccio 🧊: Finnish 🇫🇮

You just got your driving licence, you are an angry teen from Veneto and your first car is a green Panda 4x4 that you are using to run away from the police after your parents had " a lil accident ". What's the best thing you can do to let some steam out? Hide in the countryside of Emilia-Romagna, roll up a j*int and listen to Finnish heavy metal music. Ghiaccio had some really tough times before joining la Squadra, and had a lot of pent up anger to let out, so he found comfort in finnish music and while he screamed with their lead singers in a very akward imitation of their dialect he actually slowly started to learn that ancient and interesting tongue. Now he can proudly speaks a fluent Finnish and whenever he has occasion he spends time with Risotto, blasting music and doing some wild karaoke.

Formaggio 🧀: Spanish 🇪🇸

Ok cheese man here is the king of flirting, and what language yells sensuality all over the place ( in his mind at least ): spanish~ He spent MONTHS in Ostia Lido, trying to catch the secrets of the iberic latin lovers and how the get all the ladies during his adolescence and now with his arrogan-ehm confidence, roman charm and smooth talking like an italian Ricky Martin he literally has to peel girls from his body. No seriusly 2/3 times the rest of the team thought he wasn't going to get some that night but the moment he starts lowering his voice and speaking spanish, the girl is already swooning in his arms. Watch out this summer chicas~

[sapphyreopal5]

"Dark Knights" interview with Nicholas Knight, Jared Padalecki, and Jensen Ackles (Oct/Nov 2008)

The following tidbits of text are from the Supernatural Magazine Issue 6 (Oct/Nov 2008) interview "Dark Knights" with Jensen Ackles, Jared Padalecki and writer Nicholas Knight (pages 10 to ).

"Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki will readily tell you that working on Supernatural has made them much less likely to get scared by the strange things that creep along just out of sight and lurk in the darkness. So what does it take to scare them nowadays? A writers’ strike.

“The obvious news of [season three] was the writers’ strike,” Padalecki emphasizes. “It scared a lot of us over here. Everything was up in the air. TV itself was up in the air. People wondered: ‘Is TV going to go to reality? Is TV going to go to news only? Is [all this] stuff gonna go to the Internet?’ Magazines like this one and the companion books really helped to ensure that our show would come back, and it did come back. So on behalf of everyone here, a big 'Thanks!' to everybody; we’re all very grateful to the fans and to the people who just enjoy the show, because we enjoy the show as well, and we enjoy making it.

“As soon as that strike hit, we were all saying ‘See you later,’ but a lot of us were scared it was going to be farewell. It was good to come back!” However, that doesn’t mean it was easy coming back. Ackles admits that it was hard for him to jump back into character. “In fact,” he says, “I sat down and watched three episodes just to get my head back into the whole show and the character, and find that [brotherly] relationship [again]. “I didn’t even see Jared the whole time the writers’ strike was going on, because he was traveling off in Europe and I was home in Texas. We just [all] kind of tried to utilize that time off as much as possible. Not to mention that we see enough of each other when we’re working together…” Ackles laughs, but it’s an unnecessary cue because it’s been well documented how well the two actors get along both on and off screen.

Although happy to be back, Padalecki also admits, “It was weird. Since the Pilot it’s the longest I’ve gone without playing Sam Winchester. Between seasons one and two and seasons two and three, the breaks were two months, and this time it was over three months.'"

Is Sam going to turn evil? “That’s a great question,” Padalecki says.

“I hear it all the time and I always wish I knew the answer. As of right now, I think the audience would be very against it, so I don’t think [Eric] and the other writers are going to let that happen. But it’s somewhere I’m curious to go; I’d love to see what happens if Sam goes that way. As far as the scripts and outlines I’ve read, it seems like the only way [for Sam] to save his brother is going to be by embracing his evil side for even a moment, so I’m curious to see what happens if Sam goes ‘dark side.’ The audience probably doesn’t want it, and of course my parents and family don’t want it either, but I think it’d be interesting to see Sam maybe get weak a little bit and give in to that [impulse]."

"Maybe I was powerful initially, and now that I’ve died and come back it’s almost like when Obi-Wan [Kenobi, from Star Wars] said, ‘If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you could [possibly] imagine."

"No Rest For The Wicked left us wondering if Sam not only is a fully fledged demon, but if he’s more powerful than Lilith. But do we actually know how powerful Lilith is? “She’s pretty powerful, obviously," states Padalecki. “I know that Kripke and the writers love playing with the color of the demons' eyes. Black-eyed demons are run-of-the-mill demons, but the Yellow-Eyed Demon, he’s even worse, and the red-eyed demon is the Crossroads Demon. And here we see Lilith with her white eyes and we know that she is gun-running to be essentially the leader of Hell, opposite Satan. We don’t know where Satan fits in, but Lilith is the big badass in Hell, so we know that we’re going to have to answer to her. From what we know, she's essentially all powerful. We don’t know a way to stop her. Even Ruby, who is a demon (doesn’t know how to stop her]. She's obviously been trying to weasel Sam into embracing his demonic abilities a tittle bit more, but Sam's been so against it and doesn’t want ' to go [down] that route… but he wants to save his brother…"

"Something that's harder to balance with all the dark and dreary are healthy relationships. Dean and Bela aren’t likely to hook up in Hell - although stranger things have happened - and Sam and Ruby are now unlikely to get friendlier.

“I don't know," Padalecki chuckles. "I don't think so. I think she has a clear and obvious purpose in the show, and a great purpose that she serves well, but I think that our die-hard fan base just wouldn’t be interested in watching that love story. Jensens done a love scene, and I've done a love scene, and they're interesting and serve their purpose, but I don't think the boys would work in a relationship [with anyone]. I think it'd Just be a weird dynamic. I mean, what, would Ruby ride in the back of the Impala? It’d be kind of odd [to] wheel out. I don't think it'd ever pan out. But if it did, I’m sure the writers will work it in seamlessly. Besides, it'd kind of spoil the mood if during love scenes her eyes turned black. “Exactly. 'Uh. am I supposed to kill you now?' It was hard enough for poor Sammy waking up und fighting a werewolf. So it'd be even worse if he opens his eyes and there are some big black eyes staring down at him!"

Hmmm, were The Seers [what deities and The Khala collectively call themselves] possibly hinting to Jared in his divine hearing about Ruby and Sam in fact hooking up in Season 4? Very interesting that even Jared didn't think that this would be a suitable story to add to the show...

"I definitely don’t want to go on if Eric’s not willing to." Ackles proclaims. “If you lose the mastermind of all this brilliant story creativity, then you Just turn into a puppet. I’m passionate about the stories that Eric writes, and if he stops writing them I would be scared that the passion I have for the show would start to (diminish]. I don't want to be a part of a show that lasts past its expiration date. It's been a motto in Hollywood for many years that you always want to leave the audience wanting more. I think it still makes sense, even for television shows. Once those stories reach that pinnacle, or that plateau, get out before it starts declining. Go out on top! So if Chat's his decision, then I support it."

Unlike Ackles, we’re willing to make a prediction: Regardless of whether Supernatural runs for five, seven, or 15 seasons, fans’ support will never expire!"

Odd, it's just like the writer here was hearing The Seers speak of Supernatural ending after either 5, 7 or 15 seasons (alas the show end up lasting for 15 seasons).

[copperbadge]

Now that Twelve Points is in the bag, I thought I’d take a look at Royals/Ramblers, which I’ve been messing around with but never working hard on. I didn’t want to commit to it just yet because April’s going to be a weird month -- not in a bad way, but I’m reducing my commitments temporarily. 

Because Google Docs starts to sulk if you go over about 30K words in a given document, it’s in three parts right now: “Complete” which is what’s fully completed from the start, “Working” which is bits and pieces that need to be pulled together before they can be put into the Completed file, and “End matter” which is very distant bits that will go at the end. This is pretty standard for how I work, although usually I don’t have to split off the end matter.

Anyway, I opened them up, just to see what was going on, and did word counts. Royals/Ramblers is already 70K words total and I would estimate maybe, at best, half of it is written. 

It’s weird the stuff I get confident or self-conscious about. Things I think nobody will care about, people tend to care deeply about, and things I worry nobody will like generally either go unnoticed or are actively popular. Everyone liked Caleb wildly beyond what I expected, and nobody cared that Twelve Points is the longest novel yet. (It’s not that I thought nobody would like him, I just was worried nobody would like a new person because they wanted more of the royals.) 

So I’m trying to be confident that you guys are going to enjoy Royals/Ramblers, because being self-conscious about the length isn’t going to make writing easier, and writing a story to indulge myself generally actually does work really well! I just...hope people like it and nobody gets mad that the “romance” in it is going to be like a third of the book.

On the other hand, the other two thirds of the book are the royal family living their best lives, so at least it’ll be fun. And as I keep reminding myself, these are romance novels, they don’t have to be perfect or balanced or flow neatly. There’s a lot of small stories in Royals/Ramblers that I think are really satisfying, so if it’s not One Big Romance that’s ok. 

Besides, the next two in the pipeline (Simon’s novel and the football novel) should be much more standalone, so it kind of works to write like...a handful of standalones that people can just kind of pick up, and then every so often a TOME that advances the lives of the royals. 

[docilepillow]

MARCH 2024 MEDIA DIARY 2

I ran out of embed space on the first post i had slotted in for this!!! So i'm making two posts!!!!!!! They belong together!!!! Okay!!!!!!! PIZZA TOWER < this game is soggy goop >

Even though I cleared a good portion of this game nigh a year ago now, i still feel compelled to put it on my media diary now, as i've only just got around to finishing the game properly! I believe the point i dropped off the game before was at Pig City, which, i think , is kinda understandable given how big that level is, but, was probably a real bummer for the whole of my friend group who were super into the game when it was new and i probably missed out on talking about it alot with them... POOP!!!! just because this game is popular enough to actually warrant talking about it with my friends later, instead of saying stuff like how i enjoyed the silly cartoony art stlye and the games general charm, im just going to post a level tier list i made the second i beat the game at like near midnight kinda hazy-minded without thinking on it too hard without thinking too deeply in a way thatll be completely inflamitory bc im mostly satisfied with the experience i had and dont really feel the urge to P rank anything --

The stats are saying my total hours round up to 6 hours 50 and pepinno is pointing at me Aughh

My , , Errr, " CRITISISM " of this game is that the funny pizza man is a little, erm, STICKY? Kinda gross. a little weird. Partially my fault. I'm sowwy. I'm not very good at this game but i absolutely respect everyone's opinion on it . Go watch my friend @shoppncart's speedrun, by the way, it's cool :

Speedy! THE MARIO MOVIE < the bario boooby geheheheheheheh >

this is probably a tired opinion but since i was subjected to this movie for the fifth time in a voice call my take is thaat this is probably more enjoyablel then the safeass illumination film. like. yea. that films probably objectively better but. id rather watch something thats an actual adaptation. like this movie. where basically nothing mario happens outside names . Aw. i honestly think this movie has intrigue to it genuinely maybe im saying this bc its one of the movies ive actually watched repeatedly before, like roger rabbit, but i think the history behind this movie and the old anamocity turned-endearment are what make it worth watching. that and its a little goopy You Guys Wanna See Some MM2 Proggys? not a new piece of media technically but ive been playing a fuckton of MM2 recently still as of the end of the month and its absolutely dominating my time as of late, and i kinda wanna show off a small amount of the progress ive made on it, as much as the world map, at least --

It's a media diary. it exists to document MY gaming life. Deal. anyway in regards to it i'm almost finished with the world 4 castle, which is crazy, because before i hadn't even finished world 2, but now i got all of this creative energy in me... If i finish this soon enough, i'd be able to upload it on NSO, so keep your tumpler eyes peeled, mutrals :J I personally like it because theres a theme of aescending on the world map. The space theme in this looks the best, i think.. THE ALCHEMY OF US - HOW HUMANS AND MATTER TRANSFORMED ONE ANOTHER < what the fuck ????? a book ??????? >

yea thats right im reading books this ones actually pretty good apparently a 2020 bestseller though im not in the habit of reading those often so i'll just have to take their word for it on that aspect. i think lifes all about trying new things so around halfway through the month i picked up this cool book i found at my library and got a library card. After reading through it all, i think anecdotally that this book is a very neat read. theres a few sentences that're a little offputting to my young mind but overall the book is filled with alot of cool insight i reccomend checking out if youre the boooky type of person! i think its very good and im glad i picked it out :) i donnu how many of these will be going onto my media diary in the future or anything , but maybe i will if i end up reading more! I'll have to make it up to a friendd for waiting till now to put up something i read here first before that thing she likes. oops.

Volp. OUTSIDE of the traditional media format again, also, are things i largely started on this month but don't think i'll be making all too much more progress in, or if i'm unsure i'll finish what i was doing all in one month- CASTLEVANIA THE ADVENTURE- REBIRTH

POINT OF DROP OFF - STAGE 4 END BOSS REASON BEING - UMMM SORRY I GOT DISTRACTED AND DIED TOO MUCH

castlevania rebirth is a really really cool game. its really cool and im not typing this as fresh as everything else because it was something i picked up for one big sitting earlier in the month. i probably couldve finished it at any point during the week, but simply was too distracted and wanted to do other stuff. It's very cool though, i love the vector sprite art, and there ARE silly stock sound effects everywhere, which is always a big positive for me . I mostly just like how snug the wii classic controller is , and this is a cool game to play it with considering its one of the only non virtual console or old game collection style games available for wii in this exact style ( Not counting the good handful of games that choose to use the wiimote on its side instead. )

over all ill probably sit down and finish this someday soon i just gotta like find time for it whenever next my wii u is plugged in ( it fights for an hdmi slot with my switch and ps4 all the time...! ), and ill probably end up trying to play punch out wii at the same time, given one doesnt dominate my attention over the other. From my understanding they're both short, though, so it shouldnt be too big a deal or obstacle no matter how long i put this off. RANDOM TERRARIA PLAYTHROUGH terraria playthru 1million

ii just really want to see the new terraria update Waaaah... i stopped having fun because i self imposed myself to not use setbonus armor sets at the part of the game where that stops being acceptable anymore so im stopping i think i did get to make another terraria pet though that makes me happy POINT OF DROP OFF - the mechanical bosses

also the most recent thing is

i got too tense and needed to excuse myself after like an hour 30 i cant take too much tension in movies i was really uncomfortable and had to leave to take a breather bc the main character gets put in a really really shitty situation and it was getting hard to watch for my autistic ass

thats enough i think thanks for coming see you next month lol

[seraphim-soulmate]

I needed to send another email to a government program and when checking if I'd attached the proper documents, started crying pretty hard because I didn't fully realize what I'd been sending these people. I fully read the documents that I've just been sending as proof of my disability and it tore me apart while building me back up.

One document is a testament to every treatment I tried, written by the pain clinic, with all the results of every treatment. Every consult I went to, another update about what I'd been trying. it's not absolutely everything either, bcs there were months that I didn't go to the pain clinic so they didn't get an update. I did SO much and fought SO hard to get myself help, to try to feel better. And it's all there, in that document. And I'd gaslight myself into thinking my problems weren't that bad, that I was being excessive or making things up. That I didn't have a right to articulate my needs and get them met, that I wasn't even allowed to have needs. I had to work, actually work on, in therapy, finding out my most basic needs. Then communicating them. Without dismissing myself or belittling myself or thinking I'm bad or my needs are bad if someone cannot meet them. Now I have to work on communicating them in a way that doesn't sound like an order, and communicating them early enough that I don't feel a need to articulate them like an order.

There's also of course my psychiatrist's letter which is hard-hitting too. The fact that I helped write the rough draft only makes it even more painful, but in a good way. The last sentence, after pages of my diagnoses and how they impact me, is "despite his many problems, he presents a beautiful resilience associated with a strong desire to improve his life conditions and to better integrate into society." When you've just read the medical report from the pain clinic, then the one from the psychiatrist, I don't know who wouldn't be shaking in tears after that tbh. Especially with the knowledge of where I was at in life, that I was caretaking for my grandmother the entire time that I was struggling myself, and that I was alone. I had friends, and I cannot be more grateful for those who stood by me, but not having family is hard. Knowing your parents don't understand and can't help is hard. I'm glad my dad tried, that he's gotten better at believing me again. He was the one who actually came to me with the idea that it might be fibro, but that was such a scary diagnosis at the time, for the fact that it was psychosomatic and for the fact that there was no relief, that it took me a bit to accept that he was trying to help. And then I looked into it more. And I went to the pain clinic. And I got so so so very lucky making an appointment, I got one for the following week because of a cancellation. I would have had to wait months otherwise.

Knowing I did that, by myself, alone. I researched conditions and symptoms and medications and treatments and therapies and the list goes on! I became a micro-expert in my field of disability, because you have to if you want to know what your doctors are doing to you and what you can do in response. Advocating for yourself as a disabled person and fighting with doctors is one of the most fucked up things I got from this experience. Some of them are absolutely repugnant.

I searched for all the medical professionals, I reached out to them, I booked the appointments, I reached out to get help going to the appointments so I would have a witness to how doctors treated me, I tried again and again and again, despite so many treatments failing or even worsening my pain. It's so weird to look back on that and think that I didn't just do nothing about my condition, that I was more active and engaged in my care than most disabled people are (or can be, no diss to disabled ppl who cannot get access to care).

I'm proud of that, of everything I've done, but it's also deeply fucking sad. I did that all alone. I didn't get a diagnosis when I was younger, I didn't have the support of my parents. My mom didn't book doctors appointments for me, she didn't take me to them, she didn't hold me when I was weeping with pain and grief and loss. She's proud of me, for everything I've accomplished, because she's now seen people with my conditions who struggle more than I do and she realizes now how excruciating it is for me to be here- to exist. Realistically I know it was easier for me to do it without her, she lives in the middle of nowhere and would have been more of a burden than help, but it's still hard. It's hard that I cannot count on my parents for this, to literally take care of me. Idk if it'll ever not be hard, if I'll ever forgive them for not listening to me all those years I cried out for help to be met with silence, or worse, accusations of lying. Of making it up for attention.

But I'm a success story. I'm living, breathing, being human, being loved and loving, and dealing with it all as it comes. I get to wake up another day and see how the sun reflects off the leaves, I get to see another sunset, I get to see the snow, I get to go to the park, I get to craft, to create, to play. I get to be part of other people's stories. I get to discover my own story.

[the---hermit]

07|12|2022

My months of rest and relaxation // day 29

In this period I feel like I am in the very middle of a big general change. This is probably coming out so strongly right now because I have a different routine, not being busy with uni for a while. I started to notice something weird in the summer when I realized I might be going through something like the queer second adolescence. I am not sure it has only do deal with me finally getting rid of the most of my internalized biphobia, but that surely has had an influence. I generally feel very confused, formless even. I am not satisfied with my clothes, I don't know what to do with my hair, I've had so much change around me in the past months. It's overall a mess both outside and within me, but for the first time in my life I am very acceptant of it. I visualize myself as I said in a previous post flowing in a river, and I am weridly peaceful about it, excited even. It's definitely a bit disorienting for the type of person I am, but this situation shows me how much I have grown just in the past year. I feel like this is the perfect moment to reflect and work on myself even more, I particularly want to keep working on my self care and self love journey.

Productivity:

baked bread

did a big decluttering of my closet (I've been wanting to do that for a while and I am really happy to have finally taken time out of my day for it)

ran some errands with my mom

practiced Irish on duolingo

almost finished enrolling in uni for my masters degree (I'll only need to upload some signed documents and pay the first tax and then I'll officially be a masters student which is terrifying)

finished reading Heart Magick by Harmony Nice

Self care:

did not set an alarm

read first thing in the morning

journaled

didn't drink coffee

lunlun's reading challenge // day 9

Who is the best book villain in your opinion? And why?

The first one that came to my mind is the other mother from Neil Gaiman's Coraline. I feel like it's the perfect mix of pure evil and childish fears. What I also really like about that character is that no matter what age you are she is going to scare the hell out of you.

[vodid]

Okay, so big news that sounds wholly unbelievable but I assure you is 100% true: turns out that everything the fandom knew about Blitzwing’s backstory is technically a lie.

For context, a few months ago a YouTuber named Keyan Carlile made a video detailing all the potential ideas for TFA Season 4, as well as sharing a recently discovered authentic document detailing the original pitch for Season 4 that featured Blackarachnia as the primary antagonist of a season primarily set on Cybertron on his Twitter (both of which I highly recommend you checking out, by the way), and you’re never gonna believe this: turns out that the idea of Blackarachnia experimenting on Blitzwing into a Triple Changer was never the original intent of the TFA writers and only came about because Hasbro demanded a Triple Changer Megatron and the writers needed to come with an excuse as to why Megatron would return to Earth.

Not only that, but given how the original pitch is the showrunners’ preferred direction of the season and, now that they’re no longer bound by Hasbro mandates, likely the route they’ll go if TFA ever gets revived and the fact that the AllSpark Almanacs, the only place where it’s officially mentioned that Blitzwing was experimented on by Blackarachnia, aren’t even fully canon as they were written by a fan who got hired by Hasbro and Marty Isenberg talked multiple times about how it didn't always line up with their decisions and choices for the show, results in the revelation that not only is Blitzwing’s supposed origin not the original intention, but that it isn’t even fully canon.

So now half the fandom’s going crazy speculating on what his original/“true” backstory is, ranging from Quintession experiment to Shockwave experiment to even Autobot experiment (the last of which is especially intriguing as it potentially implies that becoming a Triple Changer was the inciting incident that drove Blitzwing to fall in with Megatron and that Blitzwing might not even be his original name) and I, for one, welcome this new wave of fanart, fanfiction, and fan speculation.

(Plus, now people don’t have to resort to demonizing a female villain who was supposed to be viewed as sympathetic and redeemable or making her appear worse than she was meant to be seen to get their fix of angsty, messed-up backstories, so that’s definitely a win in my book and one step closer to stamping out misogyny in the Transformers fandom).

it never particularly read well that a character who suffered from an extreme freak accident that led to a lot of self-hatred and ostracization would cause the same thing to someone else. although it always felt like blitzwing coped better with it(? maybe i'm misinterpreting his silly self-deprecating humor lol)

given how the autobots are in tfa, i wouldn't put it past them to have experimented on blitzwing and causing him to turn. it's an interesting idea!

one idea i see floating around here and there that i'm a bit partial to is that blitzwing was very desperate to be better for megatron, especially as they were losing/had lost the war, and so he subjected himself to the experiment, with or without informed consent (doubt there was — i'm sure he didn't consent to or even know of the repercussions of it 💀). blackarachnia in this situation is more or less irrelevant. she either has some weird twisted inclination to experiment (the idea that she is to reverse-engineer her transformation is an interesting thought) or is just following orders. but she certainly deserves a portrayal that does her story justice

canon is just a suggestion after all

[plaguethewaters]

Imagine, if you will, a world where hybrids are the standards. (someday i will complete my full dsmp/general minecraft wordbuilding document, but today is not that day. Keep in mind we are talking of minecraft with related weirdness: player will be used as a normal person might say human, code instead of soul, and so on.)

Humans aren't unnatural, per se, simply a different kind of player; when Earth opened its doors, and showed itself a public server composed of 90% humans, it made a scandal. Why even do that? some say. It's not like we need a full server of sheep either, why one full of humans?

Earth wasn't entirely made of humans, of course, there was no segregation happening - and the Antartic Emperors liked to make that veery clear - but rumors run, and hate runs faster.

So we imagine, now, a world where hybrids are the standard and human are - not hated, not really, but the species version of your friend's little sibling you were forced to hang out with.

Undesired.

They tend to their own servers and their own people; that feeling of segregation was entirely self-made, but that didn't make it disappear.

Now, we set our gaze onto a very peculiar little village, onto an otherwise very unpeculiar server (a public one on peaceful, to be exact. The kind where unadventourous players and retired war heroes go to set up families and the like). This village is particulare because, after years and years of generally normal genetics happening, a human is born. And then, he disappears.

The little baby had appeared on a demon's doorstep at half past dawn, bundled up and crying. The crying hadn't been there before - like someone had pressed a button, the second they had opened the door. The demon was. well. a bit shocked to say the least. But they had a child already - which means they already had a crib, and formula, and the general mental attitude to suffering one needs to bear children. What was one more?

The child grew up indistinguishable. When the demon's original child, Eryn, was old enough to comprehend what had happened, he didn't care at all; when the human child was old enough to comprehend the luck he had had, he started praying.

They'd called him Tommy with no particular reasoning: it had been a human character in the parent's latest book, and they admit they hadn't had a lot of imagination - Tommy never complained about it, and he complained about pretty much everything.

about the cold snow outside, about bath times - which he absolutely Didn't Need, and how dare they assume he was dirty - about how Eryn didn't want to play, about how Eryn did want to play but not in the right way, about anything and all.

A very opinionated four year old, for sure. One that always made sure his voice was heard.

One night, the voice went silent.

The village searched for him for days, and then for months, and then for years- every crevice, every river, every frozen lake, finding nothing but a singular, small red shoe.

Eryn was devastated. But his parent moved on, and so did he.

In the meantime, Tommy forgot. He had been taking by a group that called themselves "The betterers". Awful grammar, for sure, and it didn't even manage to sound cool. An entire team of scientists working together to make the entire Game a better place, and they couldn't come up with anything better than that? Pathetic, Tommy will say. Absolutely ridicoulous.

But as bad as they were with names, they were half decent scientists with a very clear goal: getting rid of thos awful, boring little humans, so that every player in existance would be able to rejoice in Life's gifts.

(Life would like to add, from behind the scene, that She has absolutely no part in any of these. Her job ended at creation; anything the creatures want to fuck up beyond that is outside her competence.)

So to accomplish their goal they made what, in scientific terminology, was defined as "a careful mix of specified genetic traits, carefully selected, given intravenously".

Tommy would say they "fucked him up with a gene cocktail" and he wouldn't be any less correct. It started to have a visible effect at around twelve weeks post treatment - parenting got a whole lot easier for those scientists, since tommy needed to be on pain meds (some awful concotion of regen and weakness that definitely did Not aid his magic addictions later on) and was out like a light ninety percent of the time.

Who knew a toddler wouldnt be emotionally or physically ready to grow three more limbs?

-

When Tommy escapes - when they throw him out of the lab, freshly seven, freshly finished with his experiments - he finds himself what he likes to call a family. All of them are hybrids, two of them avians, and with the wings he sports on his own back it is easy to claim at least partial comformity.

He likes being like them, even though he knows, in the end, hes simply a human. Flowers sing to him when he walks, birds chirp in a slightly too understandable way, and the urge to hide and sneak and steal is sometimes too hard to ignore, and hes a happy avian with a happy (mostly) avian family.

-

All it takes is two weeks and a rusty axe to strip that identity away from him.

Theres no use being an avian without a flock; giving in to gis raccoon side had often just brought him trouble, and he is way too busy to tend to gardens now, as much as his moobloom genes has helped him in the past.

Every little bit of identity has been stripped from him, over and over and over. He had never been allowed to be himself, completely, not enough to figure out who himself really was; a fucked up puzzle missing half of the pieces, like the one Michael likes to bite down on. Tommy's pretty sure half the board is in his stomach by now, and whats left in the box is so completely unrecognizable they might as well throw it out. But they never do, because it has bits and Pieces of gold thorough it and Michael loves it more than his normal toys, for whatever reason, and Prime above knows they know what emotional attachment to useless shit can be like.

So they keep the puzzle. And Tommy looks at himself in the mirror when you ask - sees his moobloom horns, his raccoon tail. Remembers what it was like to feel the wind on his wings. - puts on one of those big smiles of his, and answers.

"Im just a human mate, no weird shit in me."

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

reading update: February

ahoy, gamers! after an uneven start to my reading year in January (high highs, low lows) I've had a pretty consistently excellent February! yes, I'm including Red, White & Royal Blue. it may not have been good, but it was definitely fun. more on that in a minute, but I cannot recommend enough if you, like me, are a rancid hater.

what have I been reading?

Sharks in the Time of Saviors (Kawai Strong Washburn, 2020) - @dykerory came upon this book in a pretty fruitless search for good adult novels that prominently feature sharks, a weird gap in the market that seems to ignore that SOME OF US don't ever stop thinking sharks are fucking sick. (don't talk to me about Jaws. even Peter Benchley regrets Jaws.) while Sharks in the Time of Saviors actually has much less shark action happening than one might hope based on the title, it's very much a case of "came for the shark on the cover, stayed for the phenomenal writing." the novel follows the lives of the three Flores siblings: athletic oldest son Dean, academic little sister Kaui, and middle child Noa, who possesses odd abilities that seem to be a gift straight from Hawaiian gods and just might be the savior his impoverished family needs. spoiler alert: growing up as a demigod in the 21st century is hard, and success is hardly guaranteed. Washburn writes beautifully about the the suffocating realities of struggling to survive poverty, and the ways it can both tie families together and creature fractures that are difficult to heal. apparently this was Barack Obama's top novel of 2020 and I am forced once again to acknowledge that the war criminal has taste.

Blue-Skinned Gods (SJ Sindu, 2021) - okay so this is ALSO a book about a boy being raised to believe he's channeling the divine; I accidentally struck a bit of a two-book theme. Blue-Skinned Gods follows the early life of Kalki, a boy born with blue skin and raised in a isolated Indian ashram by parents who assure him (and their many paying devotees) that he's the final incarnation of Vishnu. from a very young age Kalki is placed on a pedestal and expected to behave as a perfect spiritual leader, and you guys won't believe what happens next -- it turns out that really fucks with a kid. what follows is a coming of age story unlike any other, following Kalki's growth from a self-assured child god to a young man with a lot of questions about exactly how he fits into the world. Sindu's writing is smooth as hell, impossible to put down, and takes Kalki down some thrillingly unexpected twists that complicate every notion of identity and self. 10/10, made me want to go read all of Sindu's other work immediately.

My Solo Exchange Diary Vol. 1 (Nagata Kabi, trans. Jocelyne Allen 2016) - I was not remotely joking last month when I said that My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness was so good that I would be tracking down all of Ngata's other work in short order. her solo exchange diary continues to document a journey of self-growth with none of the usual unbearable fluff that phrase entails, instead highlighting all the discomfort that comes with realizing you can no longer keep living the way you were and finding yourself pissing, shitting, shaking, etc, in the face of learning how to do something different. I really admire the way Nagata's vulnerability is upfront and prevents her from ever sounding like some kind of self-help guru who claims to know everything; her self-discoveries are presented as unexpected gems rather than universal truths, the discoveries of someone as pleasantly surprised by her own progress as all of her readers. there's something immensely comforting in these graphic novels, which I think is the reminder that there's literally no wrong time to start wanting and doing better for yourself.

Me, Not You: The Trouble with Mainstream Feminism (Alison Phipps, 2020) - I added this book to my TBR because I noticed that Phipps seemed to be drawing the ire of a lot of TERFs on twitter, which is (in my experience) usually a pretty good indicator that someone is doing something interesting worth checking out. having finally circled around to her book, I can see why Phipps (who seems to have since deleted her twitter account) was making TERFs so angry: Me, Not You doesn't even get to page 10 without plainly stating its thesis statement that trans exclusionary feminism is inseparable from other reactionary conservative ideologies such as racism, colonialism, and misogyny itself. so that's a super promising thesis, but how about the actual content of the text? eeeeh. Phipps drops a lot of the right names -- especially Sara Ahmed, and I can certainly never object to Ahmed -- and she's certainly sincere, but I can't help feeling that many of her arguments come across as a bit shallow and under-supported for the sake of time. if I were assigning this book it would be the first week reading for, like, a semester-long exploration of white feminism, with more substantial reading to follow. not a bad primer on the whole, but lacking if you've, say, already read most of the writers Phipps is influenced by.

Nightbitch (Rachel Yoder, 2021) - this is a book that I have been MEANING to read since it came out in mid-2021, and I have FINALLY gotten around to it. having done it: I would say worth the hype. Nightbitch is an intensely internal meditation about the mundane horrors of motherhood, of isolation and endless repetition, of time and energy lost and creative pursuits stifled seemingly forever. its terror is that of the loss of self and endless stagnation in the face of duty, and how sometimes you get tired of being nice and just want to go apeshit turn into a dog and run howling through the night to kill small animals and take a shit on your republican neighbor's lawn. I don't even have a kid and it sounds good, so you can imagine how delighted I was when (vague spoilers) the book ends with Nightbitch absolutely winning. go, girlboss!

Mongrels (Stephen Graham Jones, 2016) - in another accidental two-book thematic streak, I immediately followed Nightbitch with Stephen Graham Jones' books about the saddest, grossest werewolves ever. Mongrels pulls no punches about the bloody realities of shifting perpetually between forms -- werewolves have to avoid wearing anything that won't tear away when they transform, because it will simply meld with their skin when they change back and kill them slowly; they have to dispose of their trash constantly, or risk eating something that will kill them slowly when they next turn into a hungry wolf; when human women give birth to werewolves they have to be killed quickly or, you guessed it, turn into half-dog monsters and die slowly. but despite the horrors, Jones' werewolves take grim pride in what they are and the solace they find in each other on their endless nomadic quest to avoid discovery and live the best lives they can. it's only February, but I'm absolutely confident saying that this blood-splattered book is going to be one of my favorites of the year.

Book Banning in 21st-Century America (Emily J.M. Knox, 2015) - I was lucky enough to recently see Dr. Knox lecture at the university where I work, and I'd hopped on my local library's website to place this book (her dissertation) on hold before she'd even finished speaking. while the text is a lot dryer than her very charming in-person presence, I think it's extremely important reading for anyone who has a vested interest in, you know, book banning and the prevention thereof. Knox cannily summarizes the attitudes that lead to challenges to the accessibility of various reading materials, offering examples from real challenges and interviews with challengers, creating a comprehensive study of the symbolic power exerted by fighting to remove a book from a library or high school curriculum. I think these kinds of studies are so vital, because understanding the mindset of people to whom you're pretty much completely ideologically opposed can be illuminating in many ways. I was particularly shaken by one grandmother's objections to the book I use when teaching human development to 4th-6th graders, which I consider incredibly tasteful and the grandmother in question considered pornography that was hellbent on destroying the fabric of American society. the more you know!

Red, White & Royal Blue (Casey McQuiston, 2019) - look, I pretty much already said it all here. this is a romance novel for adults who want to read about gay sex without having to see the word "penis" and believe that voting democrat is the best solution the all of America's ills. the plot is nonsense and reading it made me feel insane. I enjoyed almost every second of it because I experienced the correct way, which was reporting its many sins live to my wife, my creative partner @dykerory, and any other hapless passerby I could force to hold still and listen for five seconds. yes I will be watching the movie. no further questions.

sorry this update isn't in bulleted list form like normal, tumblr told me I had too many fucking characters and wouldn't let me post it until I separated them 💀