#platonic things are platonic goldangit

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #29

A very weird thing happened today. It looks like, in an effort to make me feel small, worthless, and stupid, some random person on the internet decided to make a mock summary of one of the letters I wrote to you. Behold the nonsense:

Clearly, this person did not actually read what I had written, because the point of the letter that I found this comment in was to model things like "allowing oneself to rest", "strategies for emotional control even when you're tired and full of despair", and "remembering that there is still goodness in this world and people in it who can love you". I don't think I've ever indicated in any of the letters that I've written that I wish for any type of committed romantic or sexual relationship with you at any point, ever.

But, let me, for the sake of integrity, write the following so as to make my intentions perfectly clear: no, I do not want any kind of romantic or sexual relationship with you. There are numerous reasons for this:

First, you are a fictional character in a fictional world. This, by itself, presents a wide variety of insurmountable logistical issues that would make marriage impossible. When you add in our relative ability levels (you are a well-trained superhuman combat veteran, whereas I am a weak, noodley derpasaurus rex in a human suit, with all the grace and coordination of a drunken baboon), the resulting power dynamic would be problematic at best.

Second: it has been indicated on multiple occasions that you have zero interest in romance or sex; for all intents and purposes, you have been defined as aromantic and asexual; why, then, would I ever even entertain the thought of marrying you, knowing that such a thing would be in direct violation of your wishes and needs?

Third: even if the first two points were moot, the fact still remains that you lack many of the necessary skills for the maintenance of a healthy romantic or sexual relationship, and that does not work for me. A healthy relationship requires all involved parties to be attuned with their own emotions, able to responsibly tend to their basic needs (food, water, sleep, at very least), able to assertively communicate their wants and needs, and able to prioritize their wellbeing in a general sense, at very minimum. The version of you that I've seen in the media provided to us does none of those things. Rather:

Instead of dealing with your emotions honestly and constructively, you isolate yourself (in the Shinra Data Room, or in the Shinra Manor Library) until you've stuffed them down far enough that you can maybe sort of almost convince yourself that you can kind-of-sort-of function (this is NOT the "winning coping skill" that so many people in my world seem to think it is!!). Given what happened at Nibelheim, I think we can both agree that it is a serious understatement to say that you habitually deny your emotions both to others and to yourself, only to have the resulting exhaustion and resentment come out in destructive ways later.

You prioritize others even at the expense of yourself, as seen when you took watch on the first night at Nibelheim, despite your exhaustion. You do not tend your own bodily needs reliably; even before your weeklong bout of hyperfocus in that damnable library (in which you did not eat, sleep, or hydrate at all, if accounts that you never left the room are to be believed), it was indicated that you had been losing weight from not eating properly shortly after Genesis and Angeal deserted.

You do not communicate your wants and needs with assertiveness or integrity; clearly you were struggling with the death of Angeal and all the nasty things that Genesis said to you, but you did not once ask for any kind of help from Zack, despite the fact that he had demonstrated himself time and time again to be safe, supportive, and reliable. You are still human despite the modifications made to you, but you are still far too hard on yourself and you don't allow yourself to make any mistakes. Did you even let yourself take time off after Angeal's death? Given the way you treat yourself, I gotta wonder.

To be sure, the old version of me used to struggle mightily with all of these. I still sometimes do; codependent tendencies borne from trauma and used as survival techniques are a bitch to root out of a person's psyche. But I'm putting in the work every single day to learn new skills and to manage these things, because the people who love me are counting on me to be safe to myself and to them. As far as I know, you have not put any work into this yet, and I don't foresee that you will be able to work on these things until much later in your journey, after some modicum of peace in your world is achieved.

And I am a demiromantic and demisexual. Things like fame, status, income, titles, accolades, physical appearance, fitness, intelligence, and all the other arbitrary bullshit that people judge each other for, day in and day out… none of that matters one bit to me. I look at a person's innermost nature. I am piqued by kindness and gentleness of character, but these alone still won't do it for me. If I move forward with any type of committed lifepartnership with anyone, I and the other person have to know each other well and have a strong emotional bond, I have to be able to trust them without question or hesitation, and I have to feel safe with them at all times. It's a high bar (I've been through A LOT, so I'm not ashamed, and I expect myself to meet these same conditions), but these requirements are non-negotiable for anyone - not even you.

You do have an abundance of kindness and gentleness, and I know a lot about you and the things you've done, but I do not know you. Given your track record, I would not be able to trust that you are being honest and assertive with me about your thoughts, emotions, wishes, and needs. And given your lack of self-attunement when it comes to your needs and emotions, the fact that you prioritize your self-care behind literally anything else, and the fact that you clearly struggle to control yourself when you are having big feelings, I would not at all feel safe with you in a lifepartnership type of context.

I love you to death. Truly, I could eat you right up. I love when you smile and laugh. I'd give you as many (or as few) hugs as you want. I'd hold your hand while walking, if you wished. I'll offer you as many kind and encouraging words as I have. I'd like to bring you to nifty places and feed you tasty things and show you all the stories I love and teach you all the things I've learned while living. I'd like to hear you sing something, or watch you play a video game, or watch you do anything that you love to do. But none of this translates to sexual or romantic feelings for you, in any way, shape, or form; everything I've described is just normal friend things; these are all things that I do fairly regularly with all of the people in my social group.

And it saddens me to think that this person who tried (and failed) to make me feel small might have read all the kind and encouraging things that I wrote to you while believing that saying kind and encouraging things is something that should be done only with a potential marriage candidate; what a very narrow definition of care that this person must have to live with. It also saddens me to think that this person's first instinct at seeing someone write about something close to their heart is to mock it; I wonder from where this person has received similar treatment in the past for expressing positive things about something they love. I truly hope everything is okay at home for them. I'll wish for peace, healing, safety, and joy upon them.

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter how people treat me. I'm still going to choose kindness no matter what nonsense gets thrown at me. I'm still going to write to you. I'm still going to model healthy(ish?) ways of coping with one's darker emotions. I'm still going to model what it means to change internal narratives and beliefs. I'm still going to model taking proper care of oneself, even when one doesn't feel like it. I'm still going to write about reframing events in my life into something positive when I can, and working through the negative emotions with help when I cannot. I'm still going to write about my journey towards becoming a healed person even after the absolute shitshow that was my childhood. And I'm still going to make beautiful things and do beautiful things and speak and write and act upon beautiful things in your name. I cannot be stopped. The light and beauty that pours from my soul is an inevitability, just like it is with every other human who lives in my world.

If they want to get me to shut up about it, they're going to have to kill me, and if they're that desperate to get me to shut up that they'd make an attempt, in the end they'd still be doing me a goddamn favor (I never asked to live through horror on a dying planet in a defective meat-suit; what the fuck even is this?), so the joke's on them either way.

I am fucking unbreakable. And that's thanks to you. And it's thanks to all the other people in my world who love me, too. There are lots of things in this world that conspire to give me unimaginable courage and amazing capacity to express love at other people, and I'm sure as hell not going to squander any opportunity I have to make the best use I can of these gifts I've been given.

May you stop for a moment to consider all of the things that make you unbreakable, all of the curses that befell you, all of the love you've been given, all the amazing things you can do, and all of the people who will have your back along the way if you'll let them. May these things inspire sufficient courage within you to make loving and wholesome choices, even when making such choices might cause you to get hurt.

As long as there is breath left in my body, I will continue write to you. It's a promise. Count on it.

Your friend, Lumine