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[narsh-potatoes]

Hades fans I am looking upon you with my dearest of hearts and my most sparkling eyes goodness

[unofficialkfamtranscripts]

King Falls AM - Episode Six: King of King Falls

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Summary: July 15, 2015 - In an effort to learn more about his new hometown, Sammy books an interview with author and King Falls historian, Howard Ford Beauregard III, however Ben questions Sammy's intentions as well as Beauregard's facts.

[Podcast intro music]

[jazzy church organ music]

Deacon Reggie Back by popula’ deman’ from tha Lawd On High, tha King Falls Stompin’ Out Tha Devil Revival will be extended two extra Sundays. Join us for a fi’th consecutive week as Reverend Xavier “Get Right With God!” Hawthorne leads the King Falls faithful, the most turnt up celebration of tha year! Come raise your haaands to the skyy an’ annoint the son o’ God! Tha Holy Spirit will be so strong, your granny bound to get ratched!

Reverend Hawthorne God is’a Good. God is’a GreaT-a. Satan is on your back because he likes ta haTe-a. Shake ‘im off for Jesus! Just shake him off! Before it is too late! Glory, Glory Hallelujah!

Deacon Reggie Come celebrate with the most highly favored congregation in town! Just outside the city limits, off’a Route 72 and MLK. (That’s Mary-Lou Kilpatrick Drive for those coming out o’ town.) [rushed disclaimer] King Falls Stompin’ Out the Devil Revival is a trademark of Right With God Productions, all use and reproductions must have written consent from Reverend Hawthorne, or the Lord above. To God be the Glory.

[KFAM intro music]

Ben [in bg] I don’t want to do this!

Sammy And we’re back! You’re listening to King Falls AM, that’s 660 on the radio dial, and that was a perturbed Ben Arnold. We got a packed show for you this evening. We have a special guest, in the house—

Ben Sorry, folks!

Sammy What are you so fired up about, Ben?

Ben You know.

Sammy Well, our dear listeners don’t know, and we’ve got a few minutes before—

Ben B-before we talk to your guest.

Sammy Our guest.

Ben Oh, there’s no wa— I would never book that guy in a thousand years. He’s all yours.

Sammy [pleading] Ben.

Ben It’s just ridiculous! If you wanna make fun of me, do it off the air! This, is not cool.

Sammy I’m not making fun! Listen folks, I did a little research—

Ben On his own.

Sammy On my own, about King Falls history- and moreso, its history with the paranormal! So I go out of my way to book a guest that is an expert in this field!

Ben HOH! BULL!

Sammy And now Ben thinks I’m just messing with him when actually I’m just trying to get a better grasp on the supernatural phenomenon that happens in our beautiful town!

Ben [quickly] You never believe it when it happens on air, why would you bring- this guy in. You’re- you’re trying to break him. Which should be easy since he’s a—

Sammy I’m serious! I’m just trying to get a better understanding of what we’ve been dealing with the last few months, Ben. And this guy, our guest, has written a book about just that!

Ben It’s an e-book, Sammy. My mother can publish an e-book. He’s a whack job.

Sammy Why are you acting like he’s not sitting right in front of us?

Ben Oh, you’ll see.

Beauregard [HFB3 has a “High Class-Better Than You” drawl at all times] “Whack job”? You must be speaking of the 1957 3rd Street Massacre— or your journalistic career.

Sammy Uh, good evening sir. Thanks for making it down to the station tonight.

Beauregard [insincerely] Charmed.

Sammy Ladies and gentlemen, we’re being joined by- an author—

Ben [cutting in] E-book.

Sammy —and King Falls paranormal expert—

Ben Self-proclaimed.

Sammy —Mr. Howard Ford Beauregard.

Beauregard The third.

Sammy Of course. Howard Ford Beauregard the Third. How are you doing this evening, Howard?

Beauregard Mr. Beauregard. And as the common folk call it: I’m swell.

Ben *clears throat* So, Mr. Beauretar[sic]—

Beauregard Is your man speaking to me, Mr. Stevens?

Sammy [confused] No— Man?… Ben?

Beauregard You shan’t be too careful these days.

Sammy So, Mr. Beauregard. How did you come to be an expert in the paranormal and supernatural aspects of King Falls?

Ben [sounds like someone whose point is about to be proved] This should be good!

Beauregard As well you know, my family settled this town of King Falls many many moons ago, so its lineage is pure and unfiltered through my veins. My family has witnessed it all and, of course, that has been passed to me and now, through my memoir, passed down to you.

Ben *laughs* Right.

Beauregard May you ask your manservant to please hold his tongue as the adults speak?

Sammy Excuse me?

Ben Sorry! Beauregard. A-also, uh, in this century, where we live, I’m the co-host of this show.

Beauregard [condescendingly] How splendid. Your mother must be co-proud of you. Mm?

Sammy Okay. To make a U-turn back to the original point, you were saying—

Beauregard Yes. We founded this city. We know every minute detail of its hellish existence. Especially when it comes to the oft spoken about ghouls, goblins, and extraordinary happenings we are known for.

Ben [offended] King Falls is a magnificent town. There is nothing “hellish” about it.

Beauregard You’re. Welcome.

Sammy So, it is true that one could say you are a self-proclaimed expert in these matters.

Beauregard The same one might say that you are a good radio host, but… doubtful.

Ben *exasperated sigh*

Sammy Alright let’s take some callers, shall we?

Beauregard [insincerely] What fun. I love hearing from the lowlies.

Ben [muttered]Jesus— Line 3.

Sammy Good evening, you’re on King Falls AM with Howard Ford—

Ron Yeah yeah, Sammy, let me just get right down to business. First off, am I live right now?

Ben Double live gonzo, Ron!

Sammy Ron Begley, from Begley’s Bait Shop, ladies and gentlemen. What’s goin’ on, sir?

Ron Howdy boys. [angrily] But seriously this message right here is for you so-and-sos that have been comin’ down to the lake, every damn night since this tournament, lookin’ to poach on Kingsie.

Sammy Wait a second. People are attacking Kingsie?

Ron They’re tryin’.

Ben Why?

Ron I assume it’s a bunch of hillbilly heroes tryna come serve up a side of podunk justice on our majestic lake creature for the John Doe. However, it’s a damn fact now that Kingsie, who wouldn’t hurt a damn fly, had f[bleep]kall to do with that body at the Bass Tourney. But these damn perpetrators need to listen and stop comin’ on my land and into the lake with malice in mind. Lake Hatchenhaw is a place of serenity, peace and fishing, you damn fools.

Ben [fiercely] Kingsie is a King Falls treasure.

Beauregard If I believed in lake lizards living in a water puddle I call a lake—

Ron I’m sorry? Just who the f[bleep]k are you, you hoity-toity—

Beauregard Aww, the salty tongue of the smartest man in the trailer park. I do not answer to your kind.

Ron [aggressively] Son, I could get from my lake house to the top of that mountain in about 22 minutes, so you best get your gazelles on and start putting pads to pavement. You pillow bitin’ son of a b[bleep].

[click, dial tone]

Ben Kingsie is a fact, Mr. Beauregard, unlike a great deal of what you have listed in your… “book.”

Beauregard I’ll bite. What is fiction in my memoir?

Ben Sammy? Please. [“let me tear this guy apart”]

Sammy [conceding] We’re all about the facts here on King Falls AM, Ben.

Ben [rapid and eager] Chapter 2, “Smokey and the Banshee.” Hate to break it to you? but there certainly isn’t an apparition driving a “ghostly Trans-Am through town square” late night every third Sunday.

Beauregard Says you.

Sammy Says facts.

Ben Chapter 5, “Bombing Range Road Rage” you mentioned General Abilene here, saying he goes out of his way to spook people on old Bombing Range Road.

Beauregard Your point? If you have one.

Ben Indeed I do! Everyone, and I mean everyone, knows that the general is seen in Sweetzer Forest. Lights emanate from Bombing Range Road. Possible UFO activity. All of that unrelated to Abilene.

Beauregard [laughingly] Sweetzer Forest? Hah! Imbecile.

Ben [getting increasingly worked up again] And furthermore, what’s this baloney about there not being an ancient burial ground under where your family built its textile factory? And you know what? let’s just come out and say it: Why has no one in the town ever seen you in the daylight?

Beauregard We have gone on record! time and time again. There is not now nor has there… ever been an “ancient Indian burial ground.” There have been… no disturbances either. I will not tolerate any more of this tomfoolery. And furthermore! not that it’s any of your business, but as far as my complexion is concerned, I have… an aversion towards the sun! I tend to do my deals and business… in the night-time hours! You might even call me… nocturnal.

Sammy Riiight… Nocturnal. Okay. Moving forw—

Ben It’s a well known fact that your family bought that land at a steal. And it was so “reasonably priced”? because it was on the ancient burial ground of the Hatchenhaw Indians.That said, there are sightings all the time- hell, there are videos of the ghosts trying to scalp your employees during work!

Beauregard Hogwash!

Sammy Y’know, I’ve seen it with my own eyes, I think. Ben pulled up one of the YouTube videos a while back and- I’m usually skeptical but I saw—

Beauregard Graphics and special effects or what-have-you! I’ll have the two of you know I did not come on this show to be mocked. One more retort from you valley-dwellers and I’ll have you expelled from the city limits. Mayor Grisham is a close ally, so tread trepidously.[sic]

Ben Bring it.

Sammy Whoa whoa whoa! everybody, let’s just relax. This is a conversation, Mr. Beauregard. Ben here is our station’s foremost expert on King Falls history, sir. It just seems like maybe the facts and your book’s stories aren’t exactly jiving.

Beauregard Let me be quite clear, this is my last warning. If you speak ill of myself or my family one more time, I will crush you. Your livelihoods depend on this fact.

Sammy Come on.

Ben [sarcastically] Oh I’d never speak badly about your family. They had the good sense to die before you turned into this joke, bringing down their hard earned reputations.

Beauregard Fire this insolent manchild at once. He’s nothing more than Channel 13 leftovers.

Ben I… B-but I—

Beauregard Aww. Did I touch a nerve Benny? Dispute this fact to all five of your listeners. Channel 13- a respectable organization- rejected you not one, not two, but three separate occasions. You working class cretin.

Sammy [awkwardly] I think maybe we should wrap this up.

Ben No wait. Sammy, I’m gonna use a lifeline. Phone a friend?[1] and ruin this douche.

[phone ringing]

Emily [sleepily] Hello?

Ben Hi! Emily.

Emily [suddenly more awake] Ben? Everything okay? It’s pretty late.

Ben It’s- it’s okay now that you’re on the phone. *shy, awkward laugh* You’re live by the way.

Emily *giggles* Ben! Hi Sammy! Hi King Falls.

Ben The lovely and knowledgeable King Falls Librarian, Emily Potter, everyone.

Beauregard The library? They can’t even keep my memoir in stock. What do you think about that?

Sammy [quietly] I don’t think that’s how e-books work.

Ben Hey! Miss Potter is trying to speak, Beauregard? Emily, can you… shed some light on a certain topic for everyone out there listening? All five of them.

Emily Yes. Anything for you and Sammy.

Ben We have… Howard Beauregard on the phone.

Emily Funny enough, I just finished your book, Mr. Beauregard. “King of King Falls”?

Beauregard Alas, finally someone with good sense and better taste.

Ben I’m glad you brought that up, Emily! Can you fill the listeners in on the history of the King Falls Library- which, Mr. Beauregard discusses in chapter 15 of his e-book. Did you- find any… discrepancies?

Emily Sure, Ben. Well, Mr. Beauregard mentioned the library a few times in various stories. However, he stated that during World War Two? the secret apartment was built inside the library. However, it actually—

Beauregard Ahhh! The Hitler Suite! Yes, it was commissioned by Germany, October 7th, 1944 as a possible hiding place for their infamous leader, Theodore Waldorf von Hitler.

Sammy Adolf?

Beauregard Gesundheit.

Emily I’m sorry but the apartment was actually built when the library was, in 1912. I’ve seen the blueprints and everything. Funny story, it was actually used as—

Ben Y’know, Emily, maybe we should hear him out on this one. I can see a connection forming here.

Emily *giggles* Oh Ben, you’re so funny.

Beauregard Miss Potter.

Emily Yes, Mr. Beauregard?

Beauregard You are a simpleton of the highest order, and should not be tasked to watch over a magazine, much less a palace of learning such as the King Falls Library.

Ben You son of a b[bleep]!

Sammy Ben! It’s not worth it, calm down, he’s just an old nutcase!

Beauregard Of course the two of you are thick as thieves. I should have known I was in for an ambush in this rrramshackle radio station. You two lowlifes should be honored by my presence!

Sammy Beauregard, please take yourself and go honor the dust in your mansion. We’re done here.

Beauregard How dare you. Turn this radio broadcast off this instant! I demand it. I will not be treated like this!

Ben Go.

Sammy [aggressively] If you don’t leave, Mr. Beauregard, we’re gonna be forced to call the sheriff’s department

Beauregard Well there’s no need to wake my personal friend, Sheriff Gunderson, from his slumber. He’d only throw the book at you rapscallions anyway.

Ben Your e-book isn’t worth the paper it’s not printed on.

Beauregard [sound of a chair being shoved back] [voice getting quieter as he storms off] You merry fools! I can buy this radio station! Just to fire you! Mark my words!

Sammy We’ll be waiting on those pink slips! but until then, get out of our studio, please and thank you. Well then.

Ben I hate to say “I told you so” but…

Sammy I’m sorry Ben, *sad sigh* [increasingly mumbled] y’know I was just trying to understand this stuff a little bit better.

Ben [sincerely] I appreciate that.

Sammy Folks, we’re just going to take a quick break here to get back on track but let—

Emily [softly] Hey, Ben?

Ben Hello?

Sammy Oh! Line one is still engaged.

Emily Thank you for sticking up for me, Ben.

Ben Ah! I mean, any time! I mean you, uh, you're- you’re… welcome?

Sammy Ladies and gents, Ben has just invented a new shade of red from all this blushing. You know what? tweet me @KingFallsAM right now and I’m gonna post a pic.

Ben [hissed] Shut up, Sammy.

Emily Hey, Ben?

Ben Yeah? I’m here.

Emily I was just wondering… Well, I’ve- I’ve been wondering, um, maybe, uh- And you can- say no! if you want. But, would you, possibly, like to- go out? uh, maybe to Rose’s Diner this weekend?

Ben [voice cracking slightly] Yes. I mean… Sure- maybe- we could do, something, like that! I’ll- I’ll, I mean I do. I need to… *clears throat* check my schedule. But um—

Emily Okay then! I’ll- talk to you later! Goodnight, Ben.

[click, dial tone]

Sammy Well I think—

Ben Don’t. [whispering] Let me savor this.

Sammy *chuckles* We’ll be right back after a word from our sponsors, kids.

[KFAM outro]

[CREDITS]

References

[1] Phone a friend- probably well known, but this is a reference to the show “Who Wants To Be a Millionaire”

[feverhalo]

First posted fic! Its not the one ive had requested, or either of the two other I had started. Its just a quick little thing. I fell asleep today really early after getting back so I havent had a chance to work on those yet. Ill cross post this to ao3 sometime tomrrow. Im also great at titles. Warning to talk of needles/shots but other than that its pretty tame run of the mill whump.

—————————————

Post Immunization (fma fanfic)

Edward stomped into the office, dragging his coat along in his left hand. His automail hand was curled in a protective barrier around his left bicep. He shoved his chair back with his foot and threw himself into his seat.

“Not a damn word, you traitorous bastard” Edward spat as Mustang looked up at the flurry of activity. “One word, and Colonel or not I’ll end you.”

“Brother!” Alphonse chided, “You can’t take it out on everyone. They are working, too; I’m sorry for Ed being so angry-“

“Don’t apologise for me!” Ed glared at his brother. “It was a dirty trick.”

‘Whatever do you mean, Fullmetal?” Mustang leaned back, mouth quirking up even as Riza shot him a look. “It was of utmost importance, and very relevant to your quest to get your bodies back. Immunizations are important.”

Ed reached forward and grabbed some of the paper work on his own, rarely used, desk. He was limited in what he could do for the rest of the day, banned from sparring or getting into anything strenuous to avoid bruising and pain from the set of shots. He was basically stuck with sitting around, but if course Colonel Mustang planned to ruin his day to the last shred of freedom and insisted he come catch up on paperwork like the rest of them. He grumbled, mocking Mustang under his breath as he worked.

The Colonel frowned, Ed wasn’t rising to the bait anymore, and as much as he would love to throw in a good jab about the boy’s height or the fact he was still getting children’s immunizations, this wasn’t the time. Quarterly reports were coming up, and in true Mustang fashion there was a very steep backlog. So work continued on with the addition of an irritated Edward rubbing at his sore shoulder every now and again.

After some time, patience and energy dipped and the others took turns to get up and stretch or grab a refill on coffee. Edward had slumped forward, resting his cheek on the desk’s cool surface. Alphonse, who had previously been content to read quietly or chat a little whenever conversation arose struck up a quiet conversation with his brother.

“Come on Brother, I know this sort of paperwork is a hassle but yore nearly done.”

“Mmm,” Ed nodded, but thats all Mustang could make out from his desk. He missed out on the rest of the mumbled reply. He shifted getting ready to crack a smart remark, but Alphonse’s reaction stopped him from trying to get a rise out of Ed again.

“Do you need to lay down? You do look pretty tired,” he clanked quietly as he fussed, “Are you feeling alright?”

“Everything okay boys?” Riza stepped in after that little bit of eavesdropping.

“Brother?”

“Tired ‘s all. Stupid paperwork’s givin’ me a headache.” Ed straightened, bringing his messy hair and flushed face back into view.

Without hesitation, Riza reached forward to press the back of her hand to his forehead. Mustang couldn’t blame her, even he was taken back by how pale the alchemist looked under the deep red flush.

“Sir,” she half turned to address the Colonel. Ed pushed at her arm gently, using his automail to save his flesh arm the soreness of moving. “Sorry Edward, I didn’t mean-“

“So I do have a fever?” He rubbed at his eyes, no wonder it was getting to hard to stay upright and focused. Riza nodded, turning back to Roy.

“Lay on the sofa over there for a bit, see if it helps.” Roy motioned to the two seater pushed up against the wall. Ed stood up to do so, but stopped to brace himself using his desk for a long moment before stumbling over as if his shoes were undone. Alphonse followed to quietly fret, tossing his brother’s jacket over him as he curled up. Ed pressed his face into the back of the cushions as work resumed in the office.

“I’ve got a quick call to make, Lieutenant.” Roy picked up the phone and dialled the number of the paediatrician Hughes had suggested. No military doctor had the vaccines on hand that Ed was due for, as most everybody had gotten them at around age ten. It was a bit of a low blow to the boy’s pride as well, and one Roy was suddenly not so comfortable with.

“Hello, Doctor Leston’s office. How may I help you?” A chipper voice crackled across the line.

“Colonel Mustang,” he felt ill prepared for this conversation. “I had an appointment set up for an Edward Elric earlier today, as his technical guardian and commanding officer. I need to speak with the doctor regarding that visit.”

“Doctor Leston speaking, what seems to be concerning you today sir?” After the brief hold, Roy was surprised to hear such a young voice.

“Edward Elric was in earlier today for a series of immunizations,” he paused. “He’s feeling rather ill now, actually.”

“Oh, I am so sorry thats a shame. Is he having a rash reaction? Are you able to give me more information? There shouldn’t be many side effects to these vaccinations, but as I understand it is a rather special case with this boy. Being so far behind in them because of such a physically traumatic incident.” Her voice was kind, and she trailed off to allow him to answer.

“Hes got a rather noticeable fever. I’m afraid I don’t know how high exactly, but its interfering with his activities.” It was strange to have it so blatantly thrown at him- Ed was still very much a child. Here he was speaking to a child’s doctor, about a polio vaccine update most people got when they were aged nine or ten. And this was about is subordinate, the thirteen year old boy sleeping across the room.

“Oh! Goodness me, that is incredibly common; he’ll be fine. Many children get fevers after vaccinations. It shouldn’t last more than 24 hours, most don’t even last that long. Over the counter children’s pain and fever medication should be fine to use if he is uncomfortable. If at all possible, please keep an eye on it. I don’t usually get patients with automail, so I’m not too sure how differently it may effect him.”

“Ah, thank you. So its nothing to worry about?” he listened intently for a few more minutes as she relayed more information. “Alright. Thank you very much. If anything else happens may I call here again?… Yes if course, if it rises too high he will be taken to an emergency centre. Alright, thank you, you as well have a wonderful evening.”

“That doesn’t sound too bad,” Mustang looked over to the sleeping boy. “He’ll need to be monitored tonight I suppose. Alphonse where are you two staying this time around?”

“We were going to stay with the Hughes family again this time, Gracia always asks us to whenever we mention we’ll be in the area.” He had half turned to look at Mustang as he responded. His large gauntlet still rested on his brother’s back, moving in small circles to try and offer as much comfort as he could.

“Hm. It shouldn’t be anything contagious, but I’m not so sure you two should go there with him ill. It would be too much, with their daughter.” Alphonse seemed to sag slightly, arranging a room somewhere wouldn’t be very easy as just himself. Edward usually managed to get around the issue of them not having an adult guardian because of his status as a Major. “I’ll get Hawkeye to drive you two back with me.” “Um? I’m sorry Colonel, I don’t follow.” Al’s voice was small, and it really reminded Mustang how young the boy really was. He felt about two inches tall after today, purposely trying to humiliate the boys by sending them somewhere that under other circumstances would be a totally normal thing for them.

“Its a one-time kindness,” He stood to gather his things. Hawkeye stood from her desk as well and went into motion, preparing her coat and fishing her keys from the top drawer. “He did everything I asked of him, and being in a house with an energetic little kid isn’t going to be easy on him. If you’d like to get your things together, follow Lieutenant Hawkeye down to the gate and we’ll meet you there.”

Alphonse did as he was told and gathered up the few belongings they had. He gave his brother another look before following Riza out of the office. Roy pulled his jacket on and silently thanked his subordinates for knowing when to keep their mouths shut and heads down as they continued to plough away at the stacks of reports.

“Fullmetal, time to wake up,” he stood over Ed sleeping on the sofa.

The boy barely stirred, but did roll enough for Roy to see the strands of hair plastered to his face with sweat. His face was glowing red and how he was twisted seemed incredibly uncomfortable, but he was still oblivious to the world around him. Sighing, Mustang crouched and manoeuvred Ed’s arms through his jacket sleeved and hoisted him up, staggering a little at the uneven weight distribution. After a small struggle, he had Ed on his back. The boy’s arms were slung loosely over his shoulders, and he held the small alchemist tight, tipping forward slightly so the boy wouldn’t fall backwards.

“Feel better, chief.” Jean called out quietly as Mustang made his way out of the office. Ed shifted and hummed, not committing to waking up but hearing enough to know he was being talked to.