#plus 4) the car itself will be expensive and 5) i don’t know shit about cars. like i know how to drive one i think. and i know where stuff

[fingertipsmp3]

Okay hear me out: should I buy a car

[pies-writes-and-more]

PIES’ FIC RECOMMENDATIONS FOR MAY 2020

So I’ve never done one of these fic recommendations lists before but I really want to share some of the amazing work that I’ve read this past month! I’ve definitely read a whole ton more but I was dumb and didn’t think to like draft this list and then just keep adding to it... so I’m just attempting to go through my tags LOL please be patient with my dumbass. 

NOTE: Since I only started doing this recently, a lot of my recommendations are gonna come from a lot of my mutuals but I’m always open to hearing more about other fics!!! If you’ve got an incredible fic that you are super proud of or if you think that I should read something you’ve read, PLEASE SEND IT TO ME! I’m really big on StevexFem!Reader, BuckyxFem!Reader, WandaxFem!Reader, CarolxFem!Reader, and Stucky fics!!!

If you do end up reading these fics, please tag me if you reblog them or comment on them!! I’d love to see your guys’ reactions :) 

ANYWAYS THE FOLLOWING PEOPLE HAVE CRUSHED MY HEART WITH AMAZING FICS, RUINED MY IDEALS OF WHAT LOVE IS, AND/OR BROKEN MY HEART WITH ANGST ONLY TO REVIVE IT WITH SOME FLUFF. I love you all so very much.

PS. if these links dont work for some reason, please let me know so I can update this list because I was very distracted halfway through making this so it might not be perfect!

1.Walpurgis Night by @anika-ann​ | Steve Rogers x Fem!Reader “In which Steven volunteers to find a long-lost princess of Starkerbürg. (Fairy Tale AU)” I have no clue why this fic is not given more goddamn attention because holy shit yall, I have never been so grasped by a fic before. If you love medieval/fairy tale type things, you will love this fic. And if you don’t, you’re gonna love it anyways because @anika-ann​ writes SO. FUCKING. WELL. 100% fluff and love.

2. Abs Aren’t Always the Answer by @its-not-captain-america​ | Steve Rogers x Fem!Reader “Steve asks Y/N what girls are interested in, trying to impress her. Several shirtless pics later it’s not working.” Y’all want hilarious shit??? What about Steve Rogers always trying to take his fucking shirt off because he has the DNA (and the body) of a stripper? JK that’s not the actual reason but this fic is so funny, I died reading the first 700 times (and the 701st time too... and every time after that). 100% hilarious.

3. Challenge Accepted...? by @anika-ann​ | Steve Rogers x Fem!Reader ”Steve’s never been good at quick decision-making when it came to his own safety. After one particularly horrible experience, you find a way to remind him every day to think twice the next time he’s faced with a tough choice. He is not amused.” Steven Grant Rogers you stupid dumb hoe lol. That’s all I’mma say about this fic because it speaks for itself when you read it haha. Banter is iconic in this fic. 100% hilarious.

4. A Matter of Trust by @anika-ann​ | Steve Rogers x Fem!Reader “You and Steve get to go to a mission together after a while; free drinks, partying, dressing-up nicely, stealing blueprints, the usual. You might even enjoy this as a couple.“ This time it’s Y/N that’s kindof a stupid dumb hoe but like that’s okay because when Y/N is a stupid dumb hoe, it’s not as stupid or dumb as when Steve does it. There’s a bit of a carry on between Challenge Accepted...? and this fic! So I would suggest reading that one first and then this :) 100% hilarious.

5. For a Smile by @anika-ann​ | Steve Rogers x Fem!Reader “You see him run past every morning. So you smile, because he looks like a nice person. How could he not be when he smiles back and the world stops for a while to pay respect to such beauty?” So you know how Disney movies totally screwed over some of our perspectives of how guys were gonna come and sweep us off our feet? Yeah. This fic did it too. I’m still waiting for my fairytale fucking moment like this fic but if it never happens, I’ll settle for just reading this over and over again LOL. 100% F L U F F and LOVE.

6. Grease and Pearls by @anika-ann​​ | Steve Rogers x Fem!Reader “All you know is uptown; fancy clothes, expensive cars, jewellery outshining one’s personality and exhausting dinners with family acquaintances and business partners. Your life is all planned out; one day, you’ll marry Howard Stark’s son and you’ll be the golden couple adored by press.” This 3-part series slayed me. Like honestly, I’ve never been so torn apart before. Y’all lucky that if you read it, you get to read all 3 parts right away whereas I had to sit and wait for my heart to be torn apart and then stomped on. (Jk anika i love you you know that). Super amazing thing I love about this fic: it’s got links to the dresses that Y/N wears (super cute btw) AND it’s got two different endings so you can decide!!! 100% ANGST and 100% FLUFF? At the same time??? Because of the two endings?!?!?!? NOTE: part 2 got some steamy smut in there so 18+ readers only. I had to take a cold shower after reading it like goddamn.

7. Be Alright by @kayteewritessteve​ ​| Steve Rogers x Fem!Reader “Steve goes through a bad breakup, but a sweet voice and a friendly smile helps him realize he can begin again, and that he definitely should.” God this fic. I can’t with this fic. It’s based on the Dean Lewis song Be Alright, which is already one of my favourites, but this fic, ugh, Kaytee knows how to hurt you that’s for sure. It’s so pure and so wonderful. 100% SAD but like it gets better promise.

8. Cold Feet by @anika-ann​ | Steve Rogers x Fem!Reader

“After two months of dating, you’ve come to a conclusion as exciting as well as a bit irritating: Steve Rogers is a perfect man. He simply has no flaw.Or does he?” Mother. Fucking. Adorable. I dunno if there’s anything else to say except that anika really knows how to make me wish I was Y/N adsoifhosd. 100% F L U F F

9. Hot Chocolate by @vodkaxtonic​ | Steve Rogers x Fem!Reader “Steve gets sick and Y/N takes care of him, which involves a lot of Steve’s whining, hot chocolate and cuddles.“ Steve Rogers is a little shit who won’t just accept that he’s sick and needs to be taken care of BUT IT’S SO CUTE AND THIS FIC IS THE BEST!!!! 100% FLUFF!!

10. Home by @evanstush​ | Steve Rogers x Fem!Reader “It’s been 2 years since the last battle and it’s now Morgan’s 7th birthday, and well, Tony being Tony, he prepared a small party for her little girl, inviting everyone from the team, including you.” Hnnnggg this fic. Okay so. I love @evanstush​ with all my fucking heart because she’s always been so supportive of me and my fics. That being said I WAS NOT EXPECTING HER KIND ASS TO HURT MY HEART LIKE THIS. But again, it’s okay because it’s got fluff guys. 50% ANGST and 50% FLUFF. Well like it’s 100% both but like I have to split it haha.

11. Cocktails by @writeyourmindaway​ | Steve Rogers x Fem!Reader “ ~i really don’t know what to write i’m sorry~ DRINKS!” That’s okay, darling, I’ll write the summary you. HILARITY. WONDERFULNESS. THE WORD BLOWJOB WRITTEN SO MANY TIMES AND IT’S FUCKING GOLD. This is so funny i love it haha. This fic killed me. I should’ve seen it coming (hehe) but i didn’t lol. 100% HILARIOUS.

12. Unadulterated by @writeyourmindaway​ | Steve Rogers x Fem!Reader No summary for this one but again, I shall do the honours haha. It’s part 2 of ‘Cocktails’ and this one is just as adorable and hilarious as the first part! Steve is a cheeky little soft boi and the flirting just makes me feel all sorts of ways <3 100% ADORABLE.

13. Water Wars by @writeyourmindaway | Bucky Barnes x Fem!Reader “The team finds a new way to unwind” I love fics where you just see the team get to be normal people!!! Plus haven’t we all thought about how the Avengers would are in a water fight? Is that just me? Don’t have to fantasize about it now because @writeyourmindaway wrote it for you :D 100% FLUFF.

14. Slow Like Honey by @heli0s-writes | Steve Rogers x Fem!Reader “The gossip that buzzes around in the teacher’s lounge is that sweet, sensitive, divorcé Steve Rogers is hot-for-teacher. His daughter’s first-grade teacher, to be exact.” I binged this whole fucking series. 8 parts of PURE. EVERYTHING. I have never so badly wanted a happy ending in my fucking life. This is an amazing series with so much love put into it, you can tell. I really can’t explain this fic because you really need to just go read it to know how amazing it is. NOTE: Part 4, 5, and 8 have some serious love smut in there so 18+ readers only please. UGH. I love this fic so much. I will continue to keep daydreaming about it and thinking about it all the time. God I love me some Dad!Steve. 50% FLUFF and 50% ANGST (which seriously tore my heart out like I cried).

15. You Make My World Spin by @anika-ann | Steve Rogers x Fem!Reader “After the Battle of New York and all the mess Tony gets involved in later, Pepper believes he is in a need of an assistant slash tech genius. Enter you. While Tony is not amused by Pepper’s idea at first… he soon warms up to you.” So many insanely wonderful references in this fic, it’s hilarious. Also, Tony being a little shit LOL. Such a hilarious fic!!!! 100% AMAZINGLY HILARIOUS.

16. If You Stumble... by @anika-ann | Steve Rogers x Fem!Reader “If you stumble…make it part of the dance. In which you ask Steve what your date would look like if you lived the forties. He decides to show you instead. There are few flaws, holes to see through to glimpse beyond that illusion. But what life would be besides boring if everything was perfect? Perfect dress. Perfect date. Perfect gentleman…?” So my dumbass was so excited to read something that anika put out that I didn’t realize this was part 2 of a 3 part series lol I’m dumb yes I know. Anyways, this is part 1 so please don’t be like me and read the first part LOL. ANYWAYS, this was so fucking wholesome. This is definitely one that I need to read again and fully read in order (she’s got part 3 on her AO3, I believe) but ugh. I love the idea of Steve dating in this century, comparing things to how things were done in the old days ufglasodfhsd. I love it. Amazing. 100% FLUFF (I think because well my dumbass hasn’t finished but this part was fluffy :3)

17. @wxstedhexrt‘s poems | Read Them Here! | Steve Rogers x Bucky Barnes I don’t think Destiny ever gave me a summary of these but (and Destiny, please correct me if I’m wrong in how you want these to be portrayed!) I believe they’re poems written throughout the whole Steve and Bucky timeline. She’s used the Winter Soldier’s words and turned them into a gorgeous set of poems. 100% My favourite thing in the whole fucking world. 

18. The Lonely Tree by @sarahwroteathing​ | Steve Rogers x Fem!Reader “You have a favorite tree which you make sure to pass every day on your way to class, but one day you find you’ll have to get used to sharing it with a friendly art student.” Holy shit guys this 15 part series was so amazing. It’s 100% PURE FLUFF and PINING and gorgeous. Holy shit. Like I screamed reading the whole goddamn thing. Amazing writing by an amazing human being with some awesome humour haha.

19. @sinner-as-saint​ responding to an anon request? Amazing. | Bucky Barnes x Fem!Reader Request: May I just spice up your day with the thought of best friend/roommate bucky being jealous when you bring someone home HOT. AS. FUCK. Holy shit. It’s such a short little list of things that Bucky would do but ugh. I was dying reading it. I love me some jealous Bucky smut. 100% angsty fluff? With smuttiness ;) 18+ readers please!!

20. @alloftheimaginesblog​ prompted fic | Steve Rogers x Reader (I could be wrong here but I believe the gender of the reader is never specified? But the ring is a woman’s ring so?? @alloftheimaginesblog​ pls correct me if you want!) Prompt: Finding an engagement ring in one of their drawers. So fucking fluffy I needed a cavity filled after ugh. I loved it so much it was just a gorgeous piece of writing. Steve is a little piece of poop for not hiding that ring better I mean come on, you’re telling me you couldn’t have punched a hole, put the ring there, and then cover it up with like a cabinet or something??? jk i still love you steeb. 100% fluff!

21. Laser Tag by @stargazingfangirl18​ | Steve Rogers x Fem!Reader “You play laser tag with your boyfriend Steve and his best friend Bucky. Since you’re just a plain ole civilian, you gotta use what non-Avenger skills you have to avoid losing. Hint: those skills involve Steve and kissing.” Iconic. Everything. Wonderful. There is nothing I love more than Steve Rogers being a little sucker for making out with his girlfriend even when there’s a competition. 100% fluff!!!!

22. Under the Rainbow, Draga mea by @binkysteebnpewter​ | Wanda Maximoff x Fem!Reader I don’t think there’s an official summary ( @binkysteebnpewter​ pls correct me if I’m wrong) but my summary is this: GAYNESS <3 I love me some wlw content so when I saw this pop up on my dash, I couldn’t NOT read. It’s soooo good. This is a Social Media AU and the amount of meme usage in there I- it’s fucking wonderful. It’s still in progress though so you guys will have to pine after this relationship with me. I FUCKING LOVE IT. 100% GAY LOVE <3

23. A Fic in which Peggy Carter plays wingwoman because these two idiots are in love with each other but they can’t see it so our Queen needs to throw it at them by @1she1hulk1​ (please note I made this title by myself because I don’t think there was a title LOL @1she1hulk1​ lmk if you want me to change this xD) | Steve Rogers x Fem!Reader “the plot is bacially you and Steve go to see Peggy and she tells Steve to finally make his move” Peggy Carter is a fucking Queen and she knows that Steve is falling for you, because he just won’t stop fucking talking about you LOL. Anyways, this is a super cute fic!!!! Please go give it some love because this human being who wrote it doesn’t think she’s a good writer?????? Crazy. 100% FLUFF!!!!

OTHER FICS THAT DESERVE MENTIONING!!!!

So because this is my first recommendation list on this site, I know I’m definitely missing some amazing fics that I’ve read but never saved (I’m a terrible person I know). So I’m just gonna add them in this list here because they deserve love and attention too!

@wxstedhexrt​‘s poetry. Period. End of story lol. JK. So the ones that I’ve read that are on Destiny’s tumblr aren’t all fandom related (besides the one that I posted above) but they’re still really amazing. I’ve never felt so captured by poems before (mostly because i’m stupid and don’t understand a lot of poetry). Ugh anyways I love her poems so much so please go check them out! CLICK HERE FOR BEAUTY <3

Alright so I know a lot of you guys know @kayteewritessteve​ but if you don’t, she’s this super amazing writer with INCREDIBLE series. (CLICK HERE TO SEE HER FULL MASTERLIST). But one of my most favourite series by her, and one of my favourite series of all time, is: If Only You Knew “You arrive home one day to find a wedding invite for two of your best friends from high school. You knew this day was going to come eventually, but even with that said, you weren’t prepared to return home. At least not after 7 years of avoiding Buckhannon, West Virginia. Or rather, avoiding him; your ex-best friend and the secret love of your life. But maybe it was finally time to face your past, to face him and everything else that happened on that horrible night.”  This 18 (plus an Epilogue) part series will literally have you screaming at your screen being like WHY YALL CANT JUST TELL EACH OTHER HOW YALL FEEL?!?!?!?! 75% angst (because Kaytee likes to hurt us) and 25% fluff BUT the fluff is SOOOOO worth it so it’s like 100% angst and 200% fluff (i was never a mathlete). NOW since, we’re on the topic of Kaytee’s writing, I’d also like to mention: Love and War  “In a harsh medieval world, you set out on a perilous quest that will lead you onto a forbidden land. A land ruled and controlled by a ruthless Warlord King, one who does not look favourably upon trespassers of any kind, and punishes all with an iron fist. You may not know exactly where this quest will end, but what you do know is you will forever be altered by it. And that knowledge alone is what truly terrifies you the most.” so I read this while Kaytee was writing it about a year ago and holllyyyyyy shit. Okay. So. Listen. Fantasy? Check. Romance? Check. Amazing writing? Well it’s Kaytee so yea obviously check. I want to list more things but I don’t want to give it away! This is a 15 part series (plus an Epilogue and Outro) but it goes by so quickly once you’re stuck and waiting for more!!!! 

[foxingpeculiar]

Bitching. I need to vent this morning.

I have been up for less than 20 minutes and I’m already completely done with today.

First, good ol’ insomnia strikes again--I went to bed at 1:30 and fell asleep around 5. When I DID finally fall asleep, I had 1) a really awkward sex dream, followed immediately by 2) a dream where I’m being kidnapped and tortured by a crooked cop. So that’s fun. Then yesterday, I discovered my car battery died because it’s been cold and I haven’t had anywhere to drive in like 3 weeks. It’ll be fine when I can get it jumped, but I haven’t been able to deal with that yet, so I ordered some groceries to be delivered between specifically between 12-2, but I get woken up by messages about it at 10am, so now I’m running on 5 hours of interrupted sleep. And like, I’m not a spring chicken anymore. When I was like 22, I could sleep 4 hours and be basically fine, but now? I get less than six and I feel drunk and nauseous and all my limbs just hurt. Oh, and part of the reason I ordered groceries was because I’m out of coffee. So there’s that.

Plus my computer apparently took it onto itself to restart, so all the tabs I left open for work at my actual job are now gone. I don’t think I lost any saved work, but it’s gonna take a bit to track them all down again.

And I have a bunch of schoolwork I have to get done today that I just DO NOT care about right now. I’m supposed to annotate this chapter, but I just don’t have anything to say. And I have 8 poems, and 4 flash-fiction stories to critique before Tuesday and I’m just SO TIRED. AND like 100 pages of reading to do in a novel (at least this book is more interesting than the last one). 

And I’ve had practically no direct human contact for months and still have 2 weeks until my first vaccine shot, but we might go on lockdown again because this state is full of rednecks who can’t be bothered to take basic precautions so we’re leading the nation in the latest spike, natch. (Did something stupid happen in the news? If it wasn’t FL or TX, it was probably MI.) And I’m probably going to move down to MO next summer, which will be great once it’s done, but it’s going to be SO EXPENSIVE that I basically have no disposable income for the next year. I mean I can probably squeeze out a few little incentives for myself, but it’s gonna be small things only and I’m gonna feel shitty about it anyway because I feel guilty about EVERYTHING.

What I definitely can’t afford anymore is weed, which I’ve been self-medicating with for years, which creates its own set of problems that I’m not thrilled about, but it’s been at least effective in 1) reducing the panic attacks that I get all the fucking time without it, and 2) keeping me chill enough to be able to manage basic shit like keeping the apartment clean. But it’s so expensive here--in OR I could walk out of a store with an ounce for $50--here that’s about what 1/8 costs. And a federal market would even out those prices some, but noooooooooo, America has to have a century long “war on drugs” (how the fuck do you fight a “war” on an abstract concept?), that was 1) founded on a history of blatant, not-even-disguised anti-Black/Asian/Mexican racism, 2) features rampant and often ridiculously untrue propaganda disseminated by policymakers who have no actual experience with the subject (I was literally told as a child, in school, that you could die from smoking a joint--I remember that clearly), 3) cost taxpayers billions upon billions of dollars, 4) ruined as many lives as the drugs themselves, and 5) accomplished nothing other than lining the pockets of actual, violent criminals. So real fucking slow clap there, America.

And okay, maybe I can get on some actual medication soon, cos I do have a doctor’s appointment scheduled finally (after spending months trying to navigate the fucked up healthcare system in this country--when an actual insurance agent tells you to lie on your insurance form to get coverage, maybe something is wrong? Just a thought). But that appointment is definitely going to be more focused on the unexplained gastrointestinal bleeding I’ve been having intermittently for like... months now (what prompted the whole “I’m going to deal with trying to get private insurance” debacle in the first place). So I’m super excited to find out what’s going on there, cos like... a bleeding ulcer seems like maybe the best-case scenario, you know? Plus, just... everything. That we keep elevating people to power who have no problem shitting on me (transphobic, anti-asian rhetoric) or my family (Islamophobia) with no fucking consequences. That there are people all over the place here flying the confederate flag (who have lived in a Union state their entire lives, so tell me it’s about history, I dare you) on their trucks talking about how their “American way of life” is under threat without a hint of fucking self-awareness or irony, that... just... I can’t even go on.

And I know I come from a place of privilege in all of that bullshit--I have a basically stable family that would be middle-class if that were still a thing (which it’s not, because all economic policy is designed by the very people who are trying to flout the rules that apply to everyone else), so every time I start feeling like this and getting mad, it just ends up turning back around on itself and there’s that guilt again. And all it would take is just getting away from this scarcity mindset, this attitude of fear that people have that just aren’t fucking necessary in this world--but what are you supposed to do about that? You can lead horses to water, but not only do they not drink, they kick you in the face while they’re dying of dehydration.

It’s enough to make one want to just go back to bed forever. But I can’t, cos I have shit to do.

But typing out a rant now and then does help.

[sublimestarker]

I am gonna ride til I cant no more

I forgot to post this yesterday

Peter Parker liked a few things - expensive cars, older men and a nice fuck. Usually those three wouldn't mix, but tonight was his lucky night. He had a date with Mr. Stark, a man who seemed too good to be true. You see when Peter signed up for a sugar baby website he expected to match with old horny pervs who had lots of money to spend on a date with a twink. But Mr. Stark was different - for one he wasn't boasting about his paycheck or cock size, like most men. And he wasn't just looking for a quick fuck - he wanted a genuine relationship first. Peter could respect that. The two men easily struck up a conversation and soon enough they had a date.

What the younger man didn't expect was to see a Tesla pull up to the arranged meeting spot. Most of the guys he hooked up previously drove minivans or big jeeps. Either this guy had serious bank or his midlife crisis had hit hard. Peter bit his lip, seeing a man got out of the car. Half-expecting it to be a driver, he didn't pay close attention until he said.

"Wow, Pete, you were all over me in our texts and now you won't even look at me." The younger man was about to apologize profusely when he saw who he was talking to.

"Holy shit, you're Tony Stark. You're the biggest tech developer there is.". Mr. Stark didn't have any pictures of his face, instead he opted for bellow the neck shots. That was a thing that most men did on the site did, so it didn't surprise Peter.

"I should've guessed you would know who I am, judging by the fact that you study at NYIT. This was a mistake."

"No, Mr. Stark, stay. I promise no more geeking over you. Also how do you know where I study?" Peter asked. He purposely met up with Tony at a public place, to avoid stalkers.

"I know the area. Plus your university hoodie was in the back of one of the pictures you sent me.". Peter reminded himself of all the photos he exchanged with Mr. Stark, their texts and phone calls and suddenly he was calmer about this whole thing. He got into the Tesla and hummed along to some song on the radio.

Tony had picked up a nice restaurant that was far enough from Stark towers, so nobody would recognize him. After his very public breakup with Pepper and the rumors about him and Steve and him and Stephen, he didn't need any more bad press. Peter didn't seem to mind, on the contrary, the boy was impressed with everything. Tony ordered for both of them and the younger man swore that food had never tasted that good. Between bites and non-alcoholic cocktails, the two of them struck up a conversation about sugaring.

"You're using the money to pay for your tuition? Nice job, but is that even possible?" Tony asked, eyeing the other man over the brim of his mojito mocktail glass.

"Well I work and I'm also on a scholarship, but I manage to make ends meet."

"Peter, I'm a genius , I know you'd need about 1500 even with a scholarship. How about I give you 2000 a month."

"Mr. Stark that's almost 25000 a year, I can't accept that."

"Kid, I'm a billionaire. I'd rather spend my money on that, instead of buying designer clothes or expensive cars."

"But the suit that you're wearing is Versace and you drive a Tesla."

"Okay, I used to like buying those things. But I don't need them anymore. They don't define me. I define me."

"Tony, it's getting hard to not reach over the table and kiss you."

"Then I should get the check and take you home. And I don't kiss on the first date."

The two men were too full for desert, so Tony just took Peter home. The younger man looked back at his date, this handsome older guy, just driving the Tesla, and suddenly he was overwhelmed with lust. So Pete batted his eyelashes and said in a sultry voice.

"Hey, daddy. Wanna grab your desert after dinner?"

"Peter, I'm driving, come on. Besides I thought we were clear - I'm not in this for the sex."

"The car can drive itself. And if you want to stop, just tell me."

"Look kid, as tempting as you are, I'm a bit more old-fashioned. So it's a no this time."

"Okay, I'll respect that. Just tell me when you're ready. "

Peter didn't mind waiting. He didn't mind Tony kissed him on their tenth date, he didn't mind that his daddy paid his tuition now, no more sugaring, he certainly didn't mind that their first time together was in Tony's king sized bed and not his Tesla. But he still wanted to fuck in that car, to feel his lover touching him with one hand and holding the steering wheel with the other. And soon he had the perfect opportunity.

Peter's birthday was in the summer, which meant that he and his boyfriend could have a romantic getaway, without college getting in their way. Tony, being Tony insisted on going to the Hamptons and renting out the most expensive house they could find. And for him the journey there was just as important as the trip. So that's why he was in his garage, with Peter, picking out just the right car.

"We could take the Ferrari, or the Lambo. If you want, you can even drive the Audi." Tony said.

"Remember our little ride in your Tesla on our first date?"

"You were all over me."

"Yeah. But I didn't quite get what I wanted back then, did I? So we can change that this time around."

"You wanna fuck in the Tesla, huh honey? Well there are gonna be a few rules. Rule number 1 is safety first - I know it drives itself, but we gotta be careful. Rule number 2 - we have to be discreet, I don't want a cop pulling us over. And finally rule number 3 - keep is as clean as possible."

"Okay daddy."

Peter really regretted his decision when his boyfriend woke him up at 5 am. Tony spent the first ten minutes of the trip actually driving. That's how long his resolve lasted, with Peter's lips on his neck. His babyboy's kisses were so sweet, yet needy and passionate. Tony turned the car on autopilot and moved his seat back. Peter undid his daddy's pants, stroking his exposed cock. God, it was so big. Pete knew how to handle, he knew he had to start with kitten licks, then take in more, while pumping the shaft, and add some kisses to drive Tony crazy. But his daddy also had a few tricks up his sleeve - he'd spank his babyboy's ass.

"Okay, baby, that's enough teasing for both of us. Hop on my lap."

Peter's shorts were gone in a flash and reached into the glove compartment, pulling out a small bottle of lube.

"Condom?" Tony asked

"Oops, I forgot to take one from my suitcase."

"So you prepared this little lube, put in in the car yesterday,instead of keeping it on you? And you wanna tell me you forgot to bring a condom? You practically carry them with you everywhere you go? Peter if you don't tell me the truth I'm turning this car around."

"I want you raw. Need to feel all of you inside me."

"You should've just said so, that turns me on so much. But before fucking you like the little slut you are, I'm gonna punish you."

Tony kept one hand on the steering wheel and one hand on Peter. He trailed his hand from his boyfriend's abs, down to his cock. He gave it a few pumps, before squeezing Pete's ass. 

"Mr. Stark, please."

Tony took his lubed up finger and slowly thrust them in. He started with one, teasing his lover. Then added a second, then a third. By then Peter was begging for his cock. Tony liked when his baby begged, and he liked denying him. He contemplated pulling his fingers out, leaving Peter unsatisfied. But the older man’s cock was hard against Pete’s lap. Tony poured the rest of lube of his member, and rubbed it against his boyfriend’s ass.As soon as he put it in, Peter started bouncing up and down in his lap. Mr. Stark almost came then and there, his babyboy was riding him so well. 

‘’Fuck, you’re so horny for me baby. I’m gonna fuck you so good, make you cum all over me.’

’‘’Yes daddy, you make me feel so good, so full.’’Peter wrapped his arms against his boyfriend’s neck. Tony saw that they were nearing the Hamptons, time seemed to pass fast. With about 10 minutes left until they reached their destination, he stopped fucking Peter and said.

‘’Make us both cum before we get there or you won’t cum during the whole trip.’’ Knowing that his baby loved a challenge. 

Tony sped up, the car going almost dangerously fast. In turn, Peter sped up his thrusts, clenching against Tony. He even started touching himself and soon enough he spilled his cum all over his boyfriend’s shirt. With about 5 minutes left on the clock, he doubled his efforts, while the other was still driving recklessly. 

4 minutes’ left 

Peter was kissing Tony’s neck

3 minutes’ left

He was biting down on it, leaving hickeys

2 minutes’ left

He trailed his arms up his boyfriend’s chest

60 seconds left

He could see the seconds pass on Tony’s expensive Rolex.

30 seconds left  

Peter could feel that Tony was about to cum, feeling his member twitch

10 seconds left

Tony slowed his thrusts, his rhythm lost 

5 seconds left

Tony came, his seed filling Peter up. They both felt so good, that Mr. Stark almost crashed the car. Thank God it was still on autopilot. They arrived at their Airbnb, it was still early, so no one noticed that Pete climbed off his boyfriend’s lap and get dressed. No one questioned Tony when he drove the car to the carwash immediately after setting the bags down. Everyone knew not to bother Mr. Stark and his lover, not to talk about their age gap, their relationship, the stains on their sheets. Because from that first date onwards Tony made it clear that no one fucked with him or the man who rode with him in the Tesla.   

[rogue-snorunt]

Why I made a ko-fi

I got an anon who said that if I'm going to ask the public for money, than I need to explain why and it better be good. Which. Subtlety kind of rude but I get it. I'd want to know the story too and while I did give the explanation already in my first post about it, because I broke my own link with my incredible stupidity, I took it down.

reposted the link to my Kofi that hopefully works now but did leave out the explanation because I feel bad involving others in my problems and I don't want people to hear em and feel guilted into anything.

So here it is: the full obnoxiously long saga of the series of unfortunate events that had led me to making the Kofi from start to finish describing my 2017-2018 life presently.

It all started back in January of last year..

The cafe in which I work.. Worked? Work.. closes every January for cleaning for anywhere between 2wks and a month and in the time they encourage us to apply early and collect unemployment. This would be my first and last ever time doing this.

Why close? Mainly because my bakery is an old fashion French bakery where our lawyer city boy rich owner went to France and liked some countrymans brick oven so much he dropped I think it was a million or so to not only buy the oven, but to actually bring said oven to America brick by fucking brick.

And to clean this wood fed oven the size of a living room, you need AT LEAST 2-3 wks to let it cool down enough for some poor scrawny guy to climb in through the tiny wood stuffing hole and excerise all that soot. Plus deep cleaning a detached two story bakery; the kitchen and cafe itself..

Anyway back to the plot:

So on Jan 1st,2017 I applied and by Jan 14th2017, the place temp closed for cleaning.

I had saved 900$ for this because I'd be okay for the month.. $200/month for rent; $50 for phone, $35 for gas, $130 for groceries for me (who has strict diet of lactose and gluten free diet because I WILL die if I eat gluten because my organs swell; attack themselves and try and shut down. Rip™ my diet gets fucking hella expensive. Bread alone is &4-$5 bucks) $300 monthly student loan etc..

Well: not a week in our gas heater said fuck you. So to help repair, there went -$400 bucks. A WEEK IN. Than my grandmas car died, -$250 a week later. Fuck me gently.

Than the fateful blizzard night of Jan 31st 2017 that would be the catalyst of unfortunate bullshit leading today.. at 4:35 on my friend was bringing me home after a fun weekend, as I do not have a car, and he wanted to make sure I got home safe before the super storm hit. The cafe was reopening Feb 10th.

I was later informed that at around 4:56, my friend hit black ice and we °360 hard into a tree. I only remember seeing it about to happen and worrying about my glasses about to break, then nothing. Then looking at my blurry hand and even with my one good but still kind of blind eye, I saw that it was black; blue and I couldn't move it. Then I guess I said "well shit" and went to sleep.

I had broken not only my glasses trying to protect them, the fucking irony.. but my metacarpals; my nose, inhaled the chemical death from the airbag and recieved mild chemic Burns to face and throat. My smol rib cage was punched by the airbag so hard it got bullied out of place and was now compressing my lungs and a severe concussion.

My friend luckily being a 6' ft some man was set far away from air bag and being the impact was more my side, had only bad bruising to the limbs but okay. His truck now an accordion.

The doctor only looked at my hand and ignored my concussion, as I had an in the ambulance and was apparently making stupid nonsense jokes. So they assumed I was fine I guess.

I had to call in to my job and sadly tell them the news I would not be able to work for maybe a few months.

A month later while home and coming down the stairs, I suddenly could not breathe and got light-headed. Not good when you on stairs. I ended up refuckin up my metas and now add broken tail bone to the list.

My return to work just went from hopeful 3-4 months to 6. I was not financially equipped for this

But wait rogue! The unemployment!

Ah yes. The fucking thing that would fuck me harder then the airbag and stairs combined.. You see:

I had asked everyone I knew that had ever collected unemployment before what to do and even the girl who did the disability thing: for I was unable to work; disability would not kick in until at least a month. I got bills men, life don't stop cause bad shit you know?

Everyone told me, collect unemployment until Disability kicked in. Then stop. Okay.. these 6 people would know best right? Dingdong: unfortunate event #3 so far:

By the time disability kicked in I had collected $700 caps. Nice! Right? Well my honest naive ass thought how you cancelled unemployment was to tell em to cease and why. So I did.I explained what happened. This proved to be the biggest mistake of my pathetic life and installed the lesson of "don't be honest with big brother." They said "oh no you got injured? Well guess what fucko. You now have to pay back the $700, or else and guess what, we adding an bonus fuck you of $200 ."

Hahahahahaha-what?

I'm not able to work; disability only gave$100 some and I got friends and family I am in debt to for helping during these shenanigans.

Then unfortunate events #4-#9 took place. my aunt died.

I had to be hospitalized for pancreatitis; kidney stones and infections a few times, sometimes for all em at once.

Then my dog prostate cancer became apparent and despite the medicine and surgery every thing that could hell, he had to leave us for the rainbow bridge.

Than my grandma's car died again.

Then my stepmother died.

Grandma had to get surgery for her knees and began to complain of occasional blindness and migraines.

Went back to work early because you guys do what you gotta do man, only it's 7 months later and in a couple more, the fucking Cafe is going to close again.

By the time it did, I had been using every paycheck to catch up on bills; pay back the my friends and family lent, paying the late bills from my dog and car repairs, back owed payment and feedback to the student loan. and just as I had started seeing the light at the tunnel.. we closed and I wasn't prepared.

Unemployment have nothing but the middle finger.

It'll be fine.. I can handle a month. It'll suck but-

ITS NOW MAY AND THEY AIN'T OPEN.

During the time I was laid off this year I spent my time as follows:

Joined Tumblr and began to meme to counter that bi-polar depression and made some friends, looking at you @m-is-for-mungo 😘💞💞

A man grabbed my hand that didn't heal right and squeezed it so hard he fucked the bone. Had to go back to p.t. Hand once again fucking useless and I had posted about this way back, if you dig in my archive, you'll find the posts.

Applied for a state job at our prison with my friend whose already there, as kitchen worker

Got the surgery that I could no longer put off as it was too fix the anatomical problem contributing factor to my organs rioting like they do, but thankfully since it was considered life threatening, my insurance covered it.

Finally deal with death of my dog; and my family. Then my dad having a stroke and other family stuff.

Got that pesky rogue ribcage displacement taken care of

Fell down the fucking stairs again.

Adopted a special needs cat.

Became once again a financial burden and the moment I could, filled the still laid off time by trying to help my friend at their restaurant as much as possible.

Got the "we want you asap BUT thanks to state Bullshit like budget stuff.. We have to wait for the actual state to say yes" call from the prison call.

My uncle was discovered to cancer but by the time it was found, he had a week left. Then he died.

Got my shit broken by the scorned ex of our roommate

And then got the fucking letter from unemployment mildly threatening me to pay up.

But you said you didn't have a car in January 31st but then you do now??

After the car event, my friend told me to seek comp because I did get fucked up and being a baker who broke their hands, shit ain't good.. I did not want to because it was my friend, it wasn't their fault and if I had had my own car or just during go there in the first place this wouldn't have happened. Reluctantly after much badgering, I did.I did not get anything however until a year and half half later. and yeah, I’ll tell you how much seeing how Im being brutally honest: $10,000.

I immediately bought a $4000 car so I would never again be a burden and every single car I’ve ever owned have been $100+ garbage death traps I got from shady people and for once in my fucking life I wanted a car that wouldnt break down or try to kill me a week later; helped my grandma buy a car that wouldn't fail her, bought her a new fridge because hers died and paid some of her bills she got behind on. My friend had fallen behind on their bills as well and I owe everything I am and still being alive to these people.

You bet my stupid ass, I used almost every dime to help them. And id fucking do it again because: homies help homies.. And when your Nana whose been both mom; dad and nana to you and is the reason you weren't place in foster care needs you.. You fucking help her no matter what.I did have enough to pay the student loan for last month and this month. I got a new track phone because mine broke, bought a pair of shoes because I've only ever had my loafers and the soles fell off finally and I brought groceries. I have enough to pay rent and I am now tapped out.

My only debt is this $900 fuck you from the government and my $15000k student loan.

And now y'all caught up on the fucking disaster that is my life.

I'm sorry for this sobstory of me crying about my problems but i.. I really do not like asking for help.i hate asking for help. I hate that I have to ask for money because I've been in desperate shitty situations my whole damn life and managed to somehow scrape by but for the first time, I'm in a situation that I can't fix alone. And I fucking hate it and that I have to admit it. but I need help .

This is why I made the Kofi

A kofi that is absolutely only for and will only be used, to pay that $900. I promise you that even if I become homeless, I am going to pay that goddamn bill before anything else. Because I helped everyone with their debt and they are all good now, we all squared and now it's my turn to be okay glib-dimit

[btsfanficss]

Stay Professional! Pt. 13

NSFW! Work AU! Fluff, Angst and long awaited smut: Jungkook x Reader

Part 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10 / 11 / 12

Summary: You can’t help but once again fall for and swoon over the ridiculously charming: Jeon Jungkook, the future CEO of one of the largest companies in South Korea. You knew that rushing your relationship with him was logically and morally wrong but- would your infatuated and thirsty state override all commonsense? 

A/N: This is my first time writing explicit smut! Can I please emphasise that. But I hope you enjoy regardless, just be weary before you read-- your thirst for Jeon Jungkook might become light threatening after this. 

After the ‘first date’, Jungkook had offered to take you to work every morning. Really, it was just an excuse to see you right before he went to work and accumulated stress but all of that would disappear the next morning- when he laid his eyes upon the ‘beauty’ he claimed you to be.

You didn’t plan on accepting Jungkook so quickly, but you found that you made the right decision. You were much happier than before but you were pretty much infatuated with him. It felt wrong and it wasn’t ideal to be head over heels for someone that you had just fixed together your trust for... but you simply couldn’t help it. He was beyond gorgeous and he was unexpectedly cheesy to a point where rolling your eyes had become a habit around him. 

There came many more dates soon after the first and things progressed healthily. He’d sometimes surprise you after work by picking you up and taking you out to dinner. He’d suggest all these fine dining places but you’d always end up rejecting them because you felt as though you didn’t own clothes fit enough for such extravagant restaurants. 

Jungkook always made sure to remind you that he was always thinking about you. It was rather... childish and clingy... but too sweet to a point complaining was way out of question. He often sent you texts midday asking how your day is so far, or what you ate for lunch or what you had planned after work. 

Your relationship with him was completely innocent. Jungkook always drove you home no matter what time it was and didn’t leave until he saw you enter your apartment. After dinner dates and long conversations, he’d walk you up the stairs to say goodbye with evident hesitation on his features. That was the part he always struggled with. He couldn’t afford to kiss you because he was too afraid he’d lose himself in your sweet taste and aroma. 

Jeon Jungkook was never the type of person to hold back. So the fact that he was forced to was really driving him nuts. He knew that if he were to do anything sexual in the slightest, he would lose all forms of composure completely so he made sure to keep his distance-- even if it made you question his attraction towards you. Your dates often ended with either a kiss on the cheek or forehead and at first, it was cute. 

But as time progressed, your thirst for his love continued to burn brighter. You knew that he was really trying to maintain the relationship at a healthy speed but you were finding it difficult to stay patient. It took an immense amount of self-control to not pull him into your face, crash your lips together to taste him.

It was just a matter of time before one of you lost your composures. 

“You really don’t have to do this..” You mumbled to Jungkook who was seated next to you, one hand on the steering wheel and the other slowly inching towards your thigh. 

“It’s fine, really. This isn’t a problem at all, I’m just glad that I get to help you out. Plus, I get to start off my day with you.” Jungkook hummed as his hand inched closer towards your leg. You didn’t notice his sneaky movements as your gaze was fixed outside the window, analysing the shades of green on the trees that rushed past. 

“Yeah you really are helping me out here, Jimin’s company is a little far from my place.” You said through a gummy smile and Jungkook’s chuckle sounded velvety to the ears. 

Jungkook’s hand continued to move closer to your thigh. He could feel his palm getting clammy and he started to develop a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach. Every day spent with you made him so incredibly happy. He felt full of life and light but-- it was really testing his self-control. Every moment he spent with you just added to the suspense and his barely controllable desire to pin you down and kiss you till you begged him to stop... or continue. 

It drove him wild and he was in disbelief. He didn’t want to admit that he craved sex, so soon. He definitely wasn’t expecting you to rush things with him and he respected that completely. But what he didn’t know was that wasn’t the case for you. It was just frustrating on his behalf because he knew that it would be inappropriate for him to even consider such thoughts. But what else could he do besides jerk off to the thoughts of your heat gripping his member. 

He wasn’t going to risk corrupting what the two of you had going on so he made sure to keep his desires under control, even if it made him feel pathetic afterwards.

A couple of weeks pass and Jungkook is way past his limit and it’s a similar case for you. He made time for you despite his hectic schedule and continued to take you out to multiple dates, most of them being dinner dates as the evening was the only time he was somewhat free. You weren’t complaining. 

But what you were internally complaining about was how slow things felt. His company was great, yes, awesome but GOD the amount of self-control you had to show to not make out with him at random moments. 

Sometimes, the lord really enjoyed to push your buttons. Like that one time he offered you his jacket and he was wearing a tight dress-shirt underneath that hugged his toned chest and you felt your breath hitch at the sight. 

It was that same night that he finally kissed you. Not on the cheek but on the lips. Theoretically, it was supposed to tame both of your thirsty states but nope it did quite the opposite. After realising that he’d kissed you, he immediately stepped back and pecked your cheek before rushing off as he became terrified of what he could’ve done next.

This was it. You couldn’t take another day of fantasising about the most sinful things to do with Jungkook. No way in hell were you going to back down. If he wasn’t going to initiate anything first, you were. 

“Yeah I’m free this evening.” You hummed over the phone as you started to muster up the courage for what you were about to do. 

“Sounds good. Is there anything you want to eat, sweetheart?” Jungkook sounded terribly sweet, but you could hear the stress coated over his words as he sighed soon after. 

“I think I’ve been going out too much. My wallet isn’t really enjoying it right now.” You laughed and Jungkook let out a dry chuckle before he continued to type loudly on his keyboard. 

“This wouldn’t be the case if you let me pay for you.” He didn’t sound annoyed despite the sentence itself sounding a little bothering. He was just especially tired that day. 

“No Kook. You already do so much for me. But on a side note, are you alright? You sound a little stressed recently.” 

Jungkook swallowed loudly and licked his chapped lips. He couldn’t possibly tell you about how little sleep he was getting due to his mind late night fantasisation sessions about you. 

“I’m fine. Thanks for asking.” He pretended to sigh. “Works just been a little hectic for me recently.” He lied and you could hear the rapid clicks of his keys overpower his deep voice.

“Oh..” You said and bit on your bottom lip before suggesting something Jungkook yearned to hear. “If that’s the case, how about we just chill today? You can come over or I can go over to yours and we can just watch some movies or something if it helps you take your mind off work.” 

It wasn’t work that was driving him to the brink of insanity. It was the fact that he couldn’t do anything physical with you that he was turning into a blob. 

He processed your suggestion and immediately agreed. “That sounds perfect. You come over this time since you’ve never visited before.”

“Yeah I haven’t but I bet it’s going to be 5 times the size of my apartment.” You chuckled and Jungkook’s mind was suddenly flooded with images of you, bent over his kitchen counter as his hips rammed into yours at a fast pace. 

Jungkook blanked out and felt his dress pants tighten instinctively. He swiftly slapped his cheek to snap out of it and you raised an eyebrow at the unrecognisable sound. 

“What was that?” You asked and Jungkook felt some sweat trickle down his forehead. “Oh don’t worry. I just dropped my phone.” He lied, a hint of nerves prevalent in his chuckle. You frowned a little before accepting his lie to quickly hang up and finish work. 

Jungkook opened his Porsche’s car door for you to exit. You smiled warmly at him and he swiftly closed it after you escaped the scent of leather from the seats. You looked around your surroundings with widened eyes. Magnificent skyscrapers towered over you as the sight of brightly lit chic and modern buildings caused your jaw to go slack. 

You’d never seen such beautiful architecture before. It felt overwhelming to think that Jungkook had been living in these pieces of art. 

“Holy shit, I can’t believe you live here. I bet the rent is so expensive!” You laughed and Jungkook’s smile grew wide at your amazement. The two of you walked hand in hand as he guided you through the marvellous condominium. 

“Actually, my mum built me this condo a couple of years ago for my birthday.” He casually hummed as the two of you waited for the elevator’s arrival. 

“You’re kidding me.” You whispered harshly as you found it extremely difficult to comprehend what he’d just said. 

Sometimes, Jungkook was so down-to-earth you forgot about just how rich he really was. Although he was occasionally, charmingly cocky; he never seriously bragged about his wealth or power. 

“Do you need a roommate?” You wriggled your eyebrows at him as you looked up at his tall figure and Jungkook just chuckled at your suggestion, secretly loving the idea of living together with you. 

“Actually, I might. Since it’s a private condo, it’s only me that’s living here.” Jungkook fixed his messy fringe with one hand whilst the other continued to intertwine your fingers. 

“Only you?! There’s like 6 floors why don’t you rent some floors out?” You almost shouted during the elevator ride. 

“Mmm but then I can’t be as loud as I want to be.” He said in a low voice- his thoughts immediately reaching out to the deep innuendos that were triggered off inside his head. 

“What a child.” You giggled and rested your head onto Jungkook’s shoulder. 

Boy, was he keen to prove you wrong. 

Jungkook took out the key from inside his Mont Blanc wallet. The key was a small card that he used to tap over the electronic lock and the light glowed green before he opened it. Jungkook took off his shoes carelessly and immediately loosened the tie that sat tight around his neck. He let out a loud sigh before turning around to see you neatly fixing his shoes and placing yours next to them. 

“Welcome to my place, Y/N. Make yourself at home.” He trotted towards the kitchen to grab a cold glass of water. He took off his suit jacket and carelessly threw it over the large living room sofa.

“I was joking about your apartment being 5 times bigger than mine but I guess it’s not so much of a joke now.” You giggled and followed Jungkook closely behind. 

Jungkook’s mind momentarily blanked when he was reminded of the kitchen counter fantasy he had whilst he was on the phone with you. It could be a reality, he thought. But fortunately or unfortunately, he was able to control his urges. For now, at least.

“What movie do you want to watch?” You asked in a sing-song voice. 

“Your pick. I’m cool with anything.” He smiled before finishing off the water. 

It’d only been 20 minutes into the movie but your self-control was running on very thin ice. You sat comfortably next to Jungkook, his arm enveloping your body closer to his as you cuddled up to his side. The cuddling was cute, it was romantic but that wasn’t exactly what you had in mind for the past couple of weeks. 

And Jungkook obviously felt the same. He was practically dying to touch you. The fact that your thigh was inching towards his wasn’t helping, either. The opportunity was so so close to him but he couldn’t give in to the temptations. He couldn’t risk making another mistake. 

So you stealthily started to be a little suggestive. You cuddled up to him even closer and made sure that your black pencil skirt exposed the soft flesh of your thigh as you brushed it against his. Jungkook immediately tensed up at the sneaky movement and he shifted his gaze from the large TV screen to your face- analysing your features, a new and heat boiled up inside of him.

Jungkook couldn’t help but get a little frustrated that you were making things harder for him. Literally. He was already on the brink of insanity but the sudden sweet scent of your hair drove him even more crazy. 

You stayed in that spot for a couple of minutes before shifting into an even more suggestive position. This time, you lifted your legs and slid them over his lap with a soft hum of comfort. Jungkook instinctively raised an eyebrow and looked at you, flustered but annoyed. You innocently smiled at him and pecked his cheek, pretending as though your intentions weren’t suggestive at all. 

Jungkook’s unoccupied hand gripped onto his sofa in hopes that it’d somehow relieve his desires. But nope, you just had to make it even harder for him. You rested your head on his toned chest and shuffled your legs a little, making sure to brush over his crotch and his jaw immediately clenched, the grip on the sofa tightened at the irresistible sensation. 

“Y/N.” He let out a primal sounding growl through his clenched teeth and you lost yourself in the sound it. You looked up at him with big doe eyes, a small and innocent looking beam on your pink lips. 

“Yes?” You hummed before placing another kiss on his face, this time close to his jaw- just enough tease to make him fantasise about how your kisses would feel down his raw neck.

“What are you doing?” He asked with a blank stare on the TV in-front of him. You watched as the colours from the screen reflected on his beautiful features, pupils dilating at he sight of his handsomeness. 

“Just getting comfortable~” You giggled innocently and inched closer to him, basically almost fully onto his lap and Jungkook looked as though he was about to throw a chair across the room. His neck veins started to become visible and you could clearly feel something poke at your thigh. 

You were amazed at his self-control and admired him for lasting this long. But unfortunately for him, your plan was to flip his boat- you wanted him to lose him composure. You loved watching his face sink into a frustrated frown from the little wiggles of your legs that’d distract him completely. 

Jungkook bit down on the inside of his cheek and it felt as though he was about to draw blood. He had started to feel sweat form on his back as you were being the tease that he couldn’t afford to give in to. Stubbornly, Jungkook stayed still. He continued to pretend as though he wasn’t worked up from the occasional crotch brushes as your thighs moved. 

"Don't be such a tease." Jungkook's voice was dangerously low and he was beyond frustrated at your seductive behaviour. He knew that he was going to snap at any moment and he was afraid of what he might do to you.

"But I love watching your reactions.." you whispered into his ear, an airy whisper coated in innocence made Jungkook’s stomach churn with anticipation.

"Y/N. I'm warning you. Watch it." He scolded with a cold tone and you could feel a heat from between your legs flush at the sound of his sultry voice.

You smirked at his snapping patience and decided to push all of his buttons. You rotated swiftly to your side and inched closer to Jungkook before sitting up to teasingly straddle his lap. You sat comfortable on his lap with a proud smirk on your face.

"This reminds me of a particular situation.." you hummed quietly whilst running your fingers through his noir strands. Jungkook suddenly pulled you closer so quickly that your inner thighs burned from his rough pull. You could feel the growing bulge hit your inner thigh once again and you let out a small squeak of surprise that turned him on even more.

"Don't ever talk about that again, sweetheart." He threatened and you could feel lust and desire starting to eat you whole.

“Make me~” You sung in an innocent voice that was beyond Jungkook’s comprehension. But your words certainly did not match your actions as you started to plant soft and needy kisses just below his jaw whilst unbuttoning the crisp dress-shirt that hugged his toned chest.  

"Are you sure about this?" Jungkook asked in an unsure tone but you were just getting needier by the second.

"Shut up and kiss me." You demanded as you went in for a kiss whilst straddling his rock hard thighs and now, boner.

He put a finger over your lips and you immediately frowned at the absence of his soft lips. "Ask nicely, baby girl." He smirked and you were too needy to care about pride at that point.

"Kiss me please..." You asked in a kittenish voice and Jungkook rewarded you by giving your ass a tight squeeze with his large hands. 

"Please what?"

"Please... Sir" You licked your lips and avoided his hungry gaze as you looked down at the vision of your fingers spreading his dress-shirt open to admire his chest. 

And that was the breaking point for Jungkook. 

He immediately lost all types and forms of self control as soon as the word, "Sir" had left your lips. It was exactly what he wanted to hear. He’d never been so turned on by his title before.

That title was a symbol of your submission towards him and that was something Jungkook dreamt of for the longest time-- to have you squeal and unravel under his dominance.

He pulled you in and roughly traced his lips over yours before immediately asking for entrance of his tongue. You opened your mouth so he could dominate the kiss even more, despite you being on top and sitting on his lap.

He kissed you so passionately that you couldn't help but let out a soft moan at the firework sensation of his mouth moulding with yours. Jungkook still had both his hands over your bottom and gave it another tight squeeze before pushing you even closer to his body. At that point, your chest was pressed up against his and he let out a loud exhale of his breath in satisfaction as though he’d just sucked your lungs dry. 

You started to grind up against the tense muscle that was his thigh and you hummed at the much needed stimulation in between your legs.

"Did I say you could feel good?" He suddenly stopped your slow grinding with a low growl and pulled you down onto his lap where you had to stay put under his wrath.

"No Sir, I'm sorry." You immediately apologised and kissed all the sensitive areas on his neck in order to appease him. Jungkook loved being dominant in bed so he was really turned on by your submissive behaviour. He was beyond tempted to rip off all your clothes and fuck you senseless but he wanted to hear you beg for it.

Jungkook encouraged your neck kissing by gently running his hand through your heavenly scented hair. "I thought we had a deal that you'd forget about that incident?" He whispered into your ear as you murmured another "I'm sorry" against his raw neck.

"And I don't think I ever got the chance to talk to you about your behaviour at that conference.. you were being such a suggestive girl with Jimin, weren't you?" You stopped kissing his neck to examine his serious and slightly angered face.

"I didn't do anything with him Sir, I promise. I was only behaving like that because I wanted your attention--"

"--Did I say you could speak back?" He interrupted and moved his hips slightly so the friction between you legs caused you to moan softly.

"I'm sorry Sir.." you nodded and craved for more of the friction that was causing your wetness down below.

"Do I need to be punished?" You innocently suggested with all the wrong and sinful intentions and Jungkook absolutely loved it. He didn't speak another word and just lifted you up unexpectedly.

He threw you over his shoulder and you dangled off it, squeaking a little as the motion was so smooth and quick. His strides were long and fast towards the bedroom and before you knew it, Jungkook threw you carelessly onto his soft satin sheets. You landed with a soft ‘thud’ and before you knew it, Jungkook’s lips had found their way back to yours. 

Jungkook towered over you and he took off his dress-shirt completely- where it met the floor within a flash. "I don’t plan on being gentle with someone that’s been misbehaving." Jungkook planted hungry kisses down your neck, painting it hues of pinks and reds. 

You licked your lips at the sensation and nodded in submission, unable to articulate any words from the overwhelming feeling of Jungkook’s lips on the sensitive parts of your neck. He worked his way down and continued to press his lips against your now exposed skin as he stealthily undressed you of your work blouse. 

You were left in just a black bra and a tight pencil skirt. Jungkook had kissed down to your stomach and you were in a state of complete bliss. He began to unzip the side zip of the black pencil skirt to expose your matching panties with your bra. 

He stopped momentarily to admire the matching black lingerie on your body he found so beautiful. “You planned this, didn’t you?” He chuckled and you hid your face behind your now sweaty palms, suddenly turning shy under his gaze. Jungkook melted at the sight of your embarrassment as he found it so bloody cute that you were suddenly so shy despite being so bold previously.

You simply nodded at his question and he couldn’t help but break out of his dominant character momentarily. “Do you know how much I wanted to do this?” He asked in a sultry voice and he finally took off all of your skirt. He hovered over the top of your heat and teasingly kissed around it, kneading at your soft thighs and depriving you of any source of friction. 

You let out another moan, this time much louder at the how Jungkook kissed all around your lower stomach and dangerously close to your core. “I can’t wait.” You whispered in a shy voice and Jungkook made brief eye-contact with you before diving right back in between your legs. 

He pressed small kisses over your clothed core and made sure to linger his touch over your clit, making your mind blank from the sensation. “Jungkook please..” You breathed out heavily and ran your fingers through his dark hair to get him to hurry up. 

“Mmm?” He completely stopped his slow and teasing movements to deprive you of the insanely good sensations to look up at you with a smirk. You let out a frustrated moan at the lack of his kisses down below.  

“Please Sir... I can’t wait any longer. Don’t you think I’ve waited long enough?” You didn’t break the intense eye-contact and instead of giving in to your plead, he simply stood up to unbuckle his belt. 

The sight was mouthwatering. He stood in front of the bed, a proud smirk across his lips as he slowly unbuckled the belt that sat tight around his hips. You sat up and watched his every move as thirst completely devoured your mental state. “Why should I be rewarding someone that’s been so stubborn?” Jungkook simply cocked his head to the side and unzipped his dress pants before they met the floor. 

His clothed manhood looked painfully hard and so big. You blushed at the sight of his impressive size and Jungkook seemed to notice by your taken-aback features. 

“I’m sorry for being so stubborn, Sir. I promise in the future that I’ll be a good girl.. I’ll be your good girl.” You crawled towards him seductively to the edge of the bed before resting your arms on his broad shoulders and kissed his now swollen lips. 

“Is that so?” He quirked and eyebrow and you continued to nibble on the sensitive areas on his neck and behind his ear. Jungkook’s breathing hitched a little when you found his most sensitive spot, just beneath his sharp jawline. 

“I’m sorry for misbehaving, Sir...” You kissed his cheek and pressed your forehead against his. Jungkook melted at how desperate and ‘good’ you were being to him. 

“I'm sorry for brushing Jimin’s thigh~” You taunted with a sly smile and before you could process his reaction, Jungkook had shoved you back down onto his bed. The first thing you noticed when you opened your eyes was how Jungkook’s serious face was so close to your own as he towered over you, his body caged your small size. 

“Even now you’re being such a tease.” He mumbled and your smile only brightened at Jungkook’s dominant behaviour. “I can’t help it... you’re so fun to tease.” You giggled and Jungkook interrupted your sweet laughter with another heated kiss. 

His hands freely roamed your body and he stealthily slid underneath your back to unclasp the hook of your bra like an expert. You took off your bra completely and he lifted himself off of you to admire the view. 

“I’m supposed to be punishing you but.. you look too beautiful for me not to say this. Y/N, you’re breathtaking. How did I get so lucky?” He complimented as he started to trail butterfly kisses across your chest. 

He made sure to give both of your breasts equal love before he moved down to your heated core. He slowly ran his finger up your slit and you shivered under his dominance. He chuckled at the immediate wetness that he felt through your clothed core and you could only look away in embarrassment. 

Jungkook’s attractive smirk widened as he started to teasingly rub slow circles over your clit. You let out a satisfied moan at the long awaited friction you were finally receiving and Jungkook hooked his finger underneath your black lace panties and removed it to reveal your soaking womanhood. 

“Wow.” He whistled as he increased the speed of his thumb on your clit, making you moan even louder than before. “Sir please..” You pleaded as sweat started to form on your forehead. 

“Please what?” Jungkook innocently cooed as he suddenly thrusted a finger into your heat and you immediately let out a soft scream at the sensation. His finger was completely enveloped in your juices and Jungkook looked so fascinated at the sight of you, whimpering on his Satin sheets. 

“Please fuck me.” You started to beg and Jungkook’s dick pulsed at the sound of it. “I can’t hear you, darling. What was that?” Jungkook continued to tease and you could only groan in frustration as he slowly sped up the speed of his finger that was going in and out of your wet heat. 

“Please Sir, I can’t wait any longer. I’m begging you..” You started to grip onto the soft sheets in hopes that he’d relieve your thirst and pain. 

“Begging me to?” 

“I’m begging you to obliterate my pussy and make me cum until I’m begging for you to stop.” You said through clenched teeth and a frustrated muffled yell. 

He rewarded your dirty talk by suddenly adding another digit into your squelching core. You let out a long drawn moan from the stretch of his long digits. “That’s it baby girl, that’s what I want to hear.” He commented before speeding up his fingers to drive you to the brink of your first orgasm. He hooked his fingers inside your heat at all the correct places, as though he was a mind reader and knew of all the buttons he needed to push in order to unravel you.  

“Are you going to be a good girl and cum for me?” His sultry voice was so soothing to the ears despite his fingers working at a dangerously fast pace. The room was filled with your soft moans as you were trying to hold them back but it was getting harder as your orgasm was just around the corner. 

Jungkook’s hands continued to work at an immensely past pace and before you could reply, you became undone on his hands and he made sure to keep up the fast thrusting of his fingers until you were completely done. Your breathing was ragged and your mind had gone completely blank from the orgasm you’d been craving for so long. 

You just continued to breathe loudly and Jungkook chuckled at your reddened face. He gave you a couple of seconds to collect yourself and made sure you saw him when he seductively cleaned his fingers up licking them clean in-front of you. He then slowly slid down your black panty down your legs, it was soaked in your arousal.

“So so sweet.” Jungkook smirked before diving in between your legs to clean up. He licked a long and tender stripe right up your slit to collect your sweet juices and he swallowed loudly to start that fire in your stomach all over again. Jungkook continued to lick you clean and you murmured some curses as the over-sensitivity started to kick in. Jungkook was well aware of that but that only drove him to tease you even more. 

“Thank you for letting me cum, Sir.” You squeaked as Jungkook’s tongue cleaned up all of your juices. 

“May I help you relieve your pain?” You asked nicely as you noticed how hard Jungkook had been this whole time. 

He simply nodded and you sat yourself up before pulling down his Calvin Klein boxers to reveal his tip that oozed with pre-cum. Jungkook was rock hard it was evidently painful for him. You bent forward and started to lick his hard shaft from the base up. You knew your kittenish licks were driving him crazy from the way he tightened his grip on your hair.

“Finally such a good girl for me.” Jungkook chuckled and inclined his head backwards as you boldly took all you could fit into your mouth with a swift motion. You started to suck him off at a relatively slow pace. As time progressed, your eyes had started to tear up at the sensation of your sore jaw and cheek muscles. 

You didn’t stop though, because the sound of Jungkook’s muffled grunts was more than enough to keep you going. You took in even more of his size and a tear slipped past as his tip had hit your gag reflex. Your throat contracted around his hard size and Jungkook let out a loud groan at the irresistible sensation for him. 

“Baby girl, you’re too good at this.” He brushed your hairs out of your face and pat your head to further encourage you. 

You continued to bob your head with an increased speed and Jungkook’s breathing had started to falter in pace. You were running out of breath so you tapped on his impressive thighs to let him know and Jungkook pulled out of your mouth with a heaving chest. 

You inhaled loudly and sputtered on your saliva and the taste of Jungkook’s salty pre-cum. Jungkook found that ridiculously sexy and he felt as though he could cum at the sight alone. You wiped away your tears and Jungkook looked down at you with a smirk. 

“Do you like sucking me off?” Jungkook stroked the top of your head and massaged it with his fingers. 

“I love it, Sir. I can’t wait to feel you inside me.” You shamelessly admitted and Jungkook could only allow his body to dominate and act accordingly to your wish. 

“Then I guess I can’t make my baby girl wait too long.” Jungkook smirked and aligned himself at your pulsing entrance. 

“Wait... we need a condom.” Jungkook realised and pumped himself a few times, the sight of your saliva on his throbbing cock turned him on even more. 

“I’m on the pill... I’ve been preparing for this and don’t worry, I’m clean.” You moaned and Jungkook sped up his pumping. 

“Are you sure about this?” Jungkook asked for your consent in a gentle tone and you nodded quickly at his question. 

“Please hurry, Sir... I can’t wait to feel you raw.” You moaned a little louder in hopes that it’d speed up the process, and it did. 

Jungkook slowly entered your wet and warm walls with a soft grunt. “You’re so fucking tight..” He exhaled and you moaned at the sensation of him stuffing you whole. He stilled in you for some time to get used to the tight and heavenly sensation of your gripping heat. If he’d moved any faster, he would’ve came there and then and Jungkook would’ve never forgiven himself for it. 

Jungkook planned to enjoy every second of it and so he took things rather slow. “Are you okay?” He asked asked as he noticed the tears that formed in your eyes. The stretch was so painful yet so delicious. Your walls had to open so wide to accomodate his impressive size. 

“Never been better.. keep going.” You encouraged and Jungkook slid even deeper into you. When he entered you completely, he stilled for another couple of seconds so the both of you could adjust to the mind-blowing feeling. 

Jungkook started to pull out of your wet heat but slowly re-entered half way through, shallow fucking you so he could spread you open deliciously. He continued to slowly fuck you for the next couple of minutes as the two of you savoured each sweet thrust of his hips. But you didn’t mind the pain, you wanted him to speed up. 

“Faster..” You complained and attempted to thrust your hips up to meet his and Jungkook's cocky smirk reappeared. “Aren’t you eager?” He let out an airy chuckle and you could only moan in satisfaction as he listened to you wishes and sped up the slow past to a moderate one. 

He kissed you passionately and his tongue dominated yours in the battle whilst his hips had started to speed up even faster. Jungkook swallowed your moans that increased in volume as Jungkook’s hips rocked against yours at a faster rate. 

Jungkook slowed down a little only to stare at where the two of your bodies connected. He admired how his thick cock was coated in your sweet juices and he was in love with the sight of your dripping wet and squelching pussy that he couldn’t help but suddenly thrust deeper into you. 

The sudden slam of his hips into yours led to a high-pitched scream and Jungkook let out another airy chuckle as he watched your face scrunch in pleasure. “You like that?” He hovered over your face and planted small kisses down your neck, his cock now quickly entering and escaping your warmth with the rapid snaps of his hips. You could only nod as a small tear rolled down your cheek. His thumb wiped your tear away and Jungkook continued to thrust deeper inside of you with an increasing pace. 

Eventually, it came to a point when Jungkook started to slam in and out of your entrance with such large force and speed that the room became an erotic mix of your squelching wetness, high pitched moans and his soft grunts. He snapped his hips so unbelievably quickly and you were forced to hold onto him for support as the two of you continued to chase your highs. 

He suddenly changed the position and threw one of your legs over his shoulder, which allowed him to penetrate even deeper inside of you and you screamed at the new sensation and irresistible stretch. 

“You're so big.." you complimented and you saw a quick glance of his sweaty forehead before closing your eyes again in complete ecstasy. 

"And you're so tight.. you feel so good baby..." He kissed you softly which juxtaposed his rapidly fast hips.

"I'm gonna come soon." Your breath hitched as you tightened your walls around him instinctively.

"I didn't say that you could come yet." He threatened and you bit down on your lip so hard it almost drew blood.

"I don't know how long I can hold it for, sir." Your vision was going blurry and your intense sweet release was rapidly approaching. Your toes were curled and it took every ounce of energy to keep your release at bay.

"Come when I tell you to." He growled and slammed into you particularly hard and you whimpered at the roughness. He was so big that it was impossible to not hit all your sweet spots inside so you were finding it impossible to hold back your orgasm. "Please let me come.." you whimpered and he continued to slam in and out of you with incredible force. 

“I’m so close, Y/N. Wait a little bit.. I want to cum with you.” Jungkook negotiated in a husky tone as he proceeded to roughly drill his cock into your soaking pussy. 

You let out loud cries at the overwhelming sensation as your 2nd orgasm of the night was so close yet so far. It took every ounce of energy and concentration to wander your mind to somewhere that’d make you forget about his delicious tip hitting all your sweet spots inside. “Hurry up Jungkook... I can’t hold it any longer!” You gently bit on his neck to leave a hickey that was sure to stay. 

Jungkook suddenly lifted up your other leg with immense ease and popped it over his shoulder so now he could reach the deepest places possible. With both legs on your shoulder, you couldn’t move to your liking as Jungkook tightly gripped on your legs whilst grunting in sync with his rapid hips. The sound of your wetness was pushing him to his intense orgasm and you physically couldn’t hold it back anymore. 

Your pulsating pussy gripped his cock so tightly and Jungkook couldn’t hold back his release anymore. The two of you came at the same time and Jungkook’s thrusting became erratic due to the fireworks that’d been achieved. He released his warm seed into your heat and the squelching sound intensified due to the sinful mix of your juices along with his.

 He couldn’t even hold himself up anymore due to his fatigue so he’d collapsed on top of you, making it even harder for you to catch your breath. 

The two of you found it incredibly difficult to steady out breathing as the orgasm you both shared was so marvellously intense that you’d almost blacked out. Jungkook rolled over as you gently tapped on his back and notified him with a soft hum. He pulled out of you slowly and you bit your lip at the sensation of your swollen empty, throbbing pussy.  

The room smelt strongly of sex and your blank state was interrupted by the sweet sound of Jungkook’s laughter. He somehow still had the strength to pull you close so that your head rested on his chest that progressively steadied it’s rises and falls. Jungkook then kissed the top of your head with his soft lips. 

“I love you.” An inaudible whisper tickled your ear and you could feel an immediate smile stretch across your lips. 

“I love you too.” You replied and enveloped your arms around his tired muscles. 

The final chapter is FINALLY HERE!!

[sierrabinondo]

my first tour.

i’m currently sitting in a ford e350 riding down I-95 back to new jersey, to hurriedly clean out the rental van we took for my band’s first tour ever and drop it off at bandago. we’ve been up since 8:30 am, not an unusual time for us, but we’re running on about 5-6 hours of sleep. that’s the average amount of sleep we’ve been able to squeeze in every night of tour. nine nights straight away from home, a gig almost every night. and of course, as physically exhausting as it was, it was a week that changed us and challenged ourselves as musicians.

8/12 - asbury park, nj

day one was our jersey hometown show in asbury. boy it was stressful at first, and absolutely sweltering outside from the humidity. i was so stressed because i was in a panic (when aren’t i lol) dealing with a sinus infection. anyone who knows me knows i’m a nervous wreck. i am a perfectionist, and i loathe not performing at my best; i try really hard to be perfect. i was flushing out my sinuses every hour and inhaling my humidifier that resembles a mini-nutri bullet if they came in white and also had a vaporizer tank inside. i looked pretty ridiculous sitting behind merch like this but i wasn’t taking any chances. i needed to take whatever measures i could possible to avoid a poor performance. there were a good amount of friends and people who came out to support us and i didn’t want to let them down. i was also really excited to see funeral attire, the band we went on tour with, and for people to see the progress we made in the month and a half we took to rigorously prepare for tour.

the asbury show ended up being really great, and a couple people said it was the best they’ve ever seen us. i felt overjoyed to hear such awesome feedback. i was also just really happy i could get our tourmates and close friends in funeral attire a show in asbury park. we sold out of pretty much all of our ramen shirts, which i was hoping to save for the rest of tour, but we ended up having enough to sell at least one ramen shirt a day to somebody. it was also really cool seeing like five people walking around the venue with ramen shirts on lmao

8/13 - long island, ny

and so our week of tour began- my sinus infection lessened but it persisted. the next day was long island, and we were looking forward to reuniting with our friends in i dreamt the sea who graciously put the show together for us. all of tour, whenever we played a bar with a juke box i spent $2 to play “smooth” by carlos santana featuring rob thomas and it was worth the allocated cost of $4 for all of tour. the show was a ton of fun. however i strangely sang worse than i did the day before- which was weird, and frustrating, since i felt the symptoms of my sinus infection less than i had in asbury. i was extremely upset. but i was surrounded by friends and i tried really hard to put on a brave face. all the bands we played with were super nice and liked us a lot, we made new friends and people who came out to the show dug us a lot too. we finally got to gig with u blue who are also a blue swan-eque band. so i guess even though i sucked, we did something right.

as we were getting ready to leave to go crash at my close friend jenni’s house in bellimore, our van’s battery died. bandago mentioned when we picked up our van earlier in the day that the battery had died the day before, but all they advised was that we drive the van around for a half hour or more once we began our rental. they didn’t mention anything about being wary of the battery beyond that. kelly and cassidy straight up saved us and gave us a super quick jump, and we were on our way finally. jenni was the first friend we crashed with and she really treated us to a nice sleep and some delicious bagels. so glad i could get to see her for the first time in a while too.

8/14 - nazareth, pa

the next day we headed out as quickly as possible to make our way to PA. something i feared on this tour was that we would lose our personal belongings, or have something stolen from us. this did happen - our tour photographer julie’s power strip was stolen in long island. fortunately, we were able to help her replace it. what had happened as we arrived to PA and stopped at walmart, was that i magically lost my phone somewhere between holding it in my hand walking out of the store, and sitting down to leave for our hotel. i was pretty much convinced it was gone or stolen. we ripped apart the entire van to try to find it, ran back inside walmart to see if i put it down somewhere, and even walked back to a spot we had the van parked in for a few minutes. i was convinced i was going to spend all of tour without a goddamn phone. and then, it occurred to me- maybe check… the garbage? and christ almighty. in a swath of basura juice, there was my phone. i ran back inside walmart to scrub the SHIT out of the case and carefully wash the phone itself and we finally made our way to check in at the days hotel in allentown, PA.

seriously- if you have a band of 5+ people, and/or if you are willing to spare the expense, buy hotel rooms for whatever nights you don’t have somewhere to crash for free any night of tour. i realize this isn’t feasible for 2+ week stints, or for people who literally do this for a living, but it was amazing to have beds to sleep in and free breakfast every morning for about $12-$15 a person. i actually don’t know if we would have been as healthy and happy without having that convenience. hotwire was how chris donis from funeral attire and i booked rooms, and the rates started at about $60 plus fees and tax per night. and it was fun crashing in hotels.

we met up with our friends in funeral attire and ethan from whittled down who was doing merch for most of the tour for a quick swim before the show in nazareth. we love hanging out with those guys. my obnoxious laugh is probably amplified by 10 dB just being around them. seriously almost pissed myself laughing in the pool because the guys were playing chicken and then ethan was doing kick flips into the pool with the life-saving device hanging by the pool the size of a massive surfboard. but POOL TIME was over around 3:30 pm because we had to get ready to head to the next venue, which was stehly’s bakery in nazareth a town over.

playing stehly’s was sick. small place, but they give each band member at least one free treat of some sort. i got a couple kiffles- little pastry dough roll-ups filled with fruit jellies- they were soooo cute and so good. i also caved to a helping of six potato and onion pierogies after the show. the only concerning thing was that after the first band jetsam played - awesome instrumental prog doom band - we soon realized that the show didn’t have a sound guy. there was a small PA set up, and we had mics and mic stands missing. the confusion pushed us quite a bit behind schedule but enough people at the show were resourceful and helpful enough to keep the show moving. i felt like i didn’t play an awesome set, and we also had some technical difficulties with our click track/Interlude mixer, but the funeral attire guys still had very nice things to say about us, so i trust them haha.

i was frustrated with how i totally blew my performance in long island, when we had a decent amount of people watching us, and then had a great show the next day. i actually don’t care about playing to a room of few people; i consider any opportunity to play to any amount of people of equal worth to another. so when i blow one show but not the other, i feel regret for not winning over potential fans we could have had, had i just been a better vocalist.

8/15 - philadelphia, pa

so then imagine my absolute blind rage, when we played the barbary in philly the next day, and we played our worst show all of tour. we were truly looking forward to this show and we were so devastated afterwards. my top most anticipated three shows were asbury, philly and cambridge. we love playing philly, we had some great bands on this bill we like a lot, and we actually had people coming out for us.

we were just making sure that the band on before us had almost all their gear off before we could load on, it was a really small stage. but the sound guy beckoned for us over the PA to start loading on regardless. we barely got a line check and it set the precedent for the whole set. ryan was starting to have volume issues with the volume levels on the mixer, and then because our individual levels were out of whack one of us would be louder than the other, or too loud to hear the drums. it was a straight up mess. and i didn’t know if we would win over anyone at the show anyways, but i just wanted to play well enough to have their respect. i put a lot of pressure on ourselves. i put a lot of pressure on myself.

when i have a bad set and i can’t deal with the disappointment i tend to shut down. even if i try my absolute best, even if people tell us we were still good - i just, i don’t believe them. it feels like they’re just being polite or i’m being lied to. it’s pretty pathetic of myself and sad; it’s something i need to work on. i actually wrote the small verse of lyrics in the intro of this tour about that. i just don’t think with all the experience of singing and performing i have that error is excusable anymore. after taking my best friend laura to her car i started chugging alcohol. i told myself before tour i wouldn’t drink until the last day to keep my throat in a healthy condition - whoops. i was so pissed i didn’t care and we had the next day off anyways; figured if i chugged water before bed i’d be fine. and i was right.

even when we had bad shows, my favorite perk each night was just getting to see funeral attire play every night. their song “joy” is one of my favorite all-time songs. the drowned god, blueroom and flowercrown were awesome too. oh! and a super fun thing we did was place enormous orders for cheesesteaks and had them delivered to the venue. we got guest lists this show and two free drink tickets each too. not gonna lie, it felt cool haha. we also explored a bit and FINALLY did our nine month-overdue interview with our friend brandon from audio addiction.

8/16 - day off at delaware water gap, days hotel in allentown, pa 

the next day, our day off, marked the halfway point for our tour. the original plan was hershey, but we did delaware water gap instead. it was a much better plan. we started the day with the whole tour together at cracker barrel. we then started to head up to delaware water gap, specifically milford, PA to check out hackers falls and milford beach. this day started out as absolute dog shit for me because i was dealing with a kinda heavy personal issue at home. didn’t anticipate i’d have anything to worry about in this regard, and my mental health has been worsening over the course of this year. so imagine at this point how hard it was for me to hide behind my hair and not be upset the whole morning. i’m also a horrible liar so i was fucked if i wanted to lie and say it was seasonal allergies fucking up my face lmfao

on top of that, we were super behind schedule for del water gap. we were all supposed to go jump in the waterfalls together, but we couldn’t find the specific waterfall we wanted to jump in. and the one we did find, the one i sort of swam in, it turned out that the trail to the bottom of the waterfall was closed off- which i believe had a more ideal swimming hole-type area. oh! and the worst part! we kept forgetting funeral attire had a commercial van for this tour. and one of the roads linked to where we were, PA-209, doesn’t allow commercial vehicles to travel through. so on top of me dealing with shit at home and now feeling like i was immensely inconveniencing my friends, i felt like an asshole. on my fucking day off lmao

but to my pleasant surprise it ended up being fine, and insanely fun. funeral attire didn’t get to chill at the waterfall with us but we made our way to milford beach and hung out there for the remainder of the day. thank god it was still open we didn’t get there until 5:30 pm. a bunch of us were swimming, couple of the guys just read or laid in the grass, and a few of the guys were throwing around a baseball. some of them swam across the river and back, the other side of the river was new jersey haha.

that night we got together to drink VERY heavily and hang out. that was probably one of my favorite highlights of the tour. at this point i was feeling much better. i shared a fat bottle of some pink moscato with julie. by the way, it was so sick having another girl on tour. not just because julie is talented but is also a great friend and was just an awesome presence to have for the week. her and donis helped me a lot on this day, if it wasn’t for them i don’t know i would have gotten through it.

my band partied hard for the first night all tour. funeral attire has the absolute strength and stomachs to drink most nights and then still play amazing sets every day- we’re not there at least not yet haha. holy fuck i made it halfway through this post and haven’t mentioned TIKI TIME??? TIKI TIM???

so funeral attire kept a couple sweet luau decorations from the long island venue hahaha and one of them said tiki time- can’t say i can truly encapsulate what tiki time is in a short explanation. tiki time was when we drank, but tiki time was also sort of the entire tour??? so i might be beat for explaining it well haha.

so we got super drunk and sang to old fueled by ramen/myspace emo bands, and my bandmate jaime and i played a four-way battle of magic the gathering with frankie and fez from funeral attire. i had my ass handed to me but i’m still learning anyways, it was fun regardless. it was really cool getting to know the guys in funeral attire better, i was already pretty close with donis but i feel like i got the chance to actually talk and hang with everyone.

arguably one of the funniest moments on tour - my bandmate joe got absolutely TRASHED. he somehow managed to get lost lmao or jaime had to escort him back to our hotel room late in the night. and even after joe was safe with us he woke up at 6 in the morning when housekeeping came walking in so he got up to shoo them away hahaha and THEN- he PANICKED because he realized he didn’t take a room key when he walked out the room and shut the door HAHA so he called ALL of us SEVEN times, he also accidentally called the jam room in howelll LMAO and finally as he’s on the phone with our friend ed, ed was just like “ask for help” so joe pulled aside an employee. and as that employee was approaching to help and joe turned the door knob, the door OPENED. the poor kid was sooo hung over the entire next day.

8/17 - brooklyn, ny

the second half of tour began with our drive out to brooklyn and nursing poor joe back to health. both bands arrived to brooklyn around the same time. we briefly went to a dog park, and then went to a big thrift shop where bren bought the sickest light pink leather jacket. after about an hour or so of walking around, we realized we were out of ideas of shit to do until showtime in about eight hours. we were all hungry as hell, but half of us wanted ramen or pizza. so we split up - my bandmates went to pizza, and julie and i went to ramen with funeral attire and ethan. we went to zamurai ramen which was absolutely fantastic. the prices were reasonable, too.

muchmore’s was a cool spot- a handful of my good friends came out too, it was awesome to see them and have some comfort from familiar faces. bartees cox jr was one of my most anticipated artists we were to play with on tour, and just, wow. originally his whole band stay inside was to play, but when he could only play solo i knew in my gut i still needed him on the show. what an exemplary musician of genuine talent, he truly stole the show. his voice, god. some people just sing, and some people make you feel by way of singing- i truly felt what he was singing. it’s people like him that inspire me.

well UNFORTUNATELY, i blew it at this show again too. and it felt horrible for me, considering my bandmates still played well and we promised we wouldn’t let the philly set happen again. i hate when i encourage everyone to play their best but can’t even set a good precedent for everyone. i was insanely upset, but i suppressed the urge to despair. 

after the show we crashed with jaime’s friends tim and erica who - holy shit - really pulled out all the stops for us. we had to pay $79 to park the van in the city, but even in a small lower manhattan apartment they were able to make us feel so goddamn comfortable. beds for everyone, a dinner table set for all of us and incredibly nice wine. i wasn’t going to eat but holy shit i COULD NOT turn down what tim made for us - this like, primavera white wine bowtie pasta and some DUMB thicc succulent pork. holy shit it was some of the best pork i have ever had. they also gave us breakfast for the next morning. what ANGELS

8/18 - manchester, nh

as we awoke we geared up for what would be our longest drive all tour - manhattan to manchester, new hampshire. we had at least six hours of driving to kill in time for load in at 5. we took this opportunity to watch selena- aka one of the best movies ever. the rain all day was real inconvenient, but we were excited to now be in funeral attire’s neck of the woods- new england that is. this also meant we were in the final stretch of tour; the dread was starting to set in.

this show ended up being one of our favorites. we had an enormous stage! it was fun to perform on and i felt like i personally had a great performance. it was cool to look around and see my bandmates looking super content and as into it as i was. the bands we played with were all awesome, we also played with a cool touring package (glass half empty and crafter). i was so excited to check out pinnacle, i really love their sound and their vocalist is so sick. damnit i just remembered i forgot to buy a shirt from pinnacle. I DIGRESS-

so funeral attire showed us mr. mac’s in manchester, a spot with over a dozen kinds of mac and cheese. i wanted to get the lobster one but i ended up getting jalapeño cheddar. woooOOOOOOOW it was GOOD - but of course i could only eat a little bit due to the fact i had to sing and also, milk products and my body are not a good mix anymore :—–) so i saved the rest for later and ate some while watching funeral attire’s set hahaha. julie got the carbonara which had like three different white cheeses and bacon, i almost got that one originally but we both just swapped bites. hiiiighly recommend going if you’re ever playing bungalow bar and grill or going to a show there!

8/19 - cambridge, ma

our second-to-last show was in cambridge, MA- it’s like boston’s brooklyn. rob kindly put us up for the night in his basement, and after we packed up we went to explore cambridge. to my very nice and pleasant surprise there was a GODDAMN H MART - an asian supermarket - with a food court. so we ate lunch there! i got a poké bowl, couple of the guys got ramen and sushi, and julie had this amazing dark curry. we also tried café nero, really great coffee/espresso spot that is also a chain and i straight up just had no idea. there was a bao place (super soft dumplings, kinda look like lil sandwiches) next door that julie and i grabbed baos to eat at. i got the MIT and- oh christ i forget the name of the other one- but the MIT had lamb, lettuce, sesame seeds, pickled onions and spicy mayo, and the other had most of the same ingredients but with crispy tofu. soooo delicious. the guys also bought a couple records at a shop across the street from the venue.

the venue we played was out of the blue too art gallery, an art gallery that hosts shows. AND THEY HAD AN ALASKAN MALAMUTE WALKING AROUND NAMED XO. the biggest malamute i’ve ever seen, xo was so cute. had colored feathers in her fur too. this show was funeral attire’s hometown show, so we met a lot of the musicians they’re most friendly with and they were all so kind. i wanted to get oldsoul on the show so badly and donis and jess from oldsoul made it happen, just such a wonderful band. i got hooked on em from their litter box sessions, jess has such an incredible voice. and the best part was they were all so nice, ugh. rainsound and newfield were awesome too, we got to talk to the rainsound guys a good amount. i didn’t do so hot this night - i hit a difficult note but still botched a bunch of other things - but honestly i was having such a great night so it didn’t even matter. and it was cool to see people who love funeral attire as much as i do singing the words.

8/20 - attleboro, ma

for the last night of tour frankie put us up, we left his place around noon to go back to café nero and get coffee and breakfast before checking in to our last hotel. by chance, hotelwire’s best deal was the holiday inn in mansfield, MA and holy SHIT- they upgraded our room so that we had a sofa with a pull out bed AND THE ROOM WAS MASSIVE. it was bigger than my boyfriend’s apartment in asbury park. two fluffy queen sized beds, that sofa bed, huge flat screen TV, spacious bathroom AND the sliding door in the room gave access right to the pool and jacuzzi area. we went for a quick dip in the jacuzzi and swam before we each had to quickly take real actually showers for the first time in two days. we managed to all somehow get ready within less than two hours and make it in time for load in at 5 pm, doors were at 6 pm

the last venue was cool - it was another art gallery, patterson creations. it was really nice and brand new inside. after both us and funeral attire loaded in we still didn’t have set time info, but going by the event page we assumed we at least were going on third - so minus jaime and ryan who already grabbed pizza across the street from the venue, we drove to north providence quickly to get hot dogs at olneyville new york system. it’s funeral attire’s favorite place to get hot dogs. we all pretty much ordered the way they do which is two hot dogs all the way, that comes with ground beef, mustard, celery salt and onions. i was hesitant to get two hot dogs but i was glad i did, because the one definitely wouldn’t have been enough. well, i WAS glad i did, until i got a very unpleasant phone call ha ha ha

jaime calls me as everyone is still finishing their food, and he says- “the door guy just approached me and said that… you guys need to get back here because we’re supposed to go on second.” holy shit i YELLED lmao. somehow, every other band but us and funeral attire got schedules, and we were supposed to go on at 7:05!!! it was 6:25 when jaime called me and we were twenty minutes away!!!

we quickly settled our bills and donis took me, my bandmates and julie back to the venue right away. we tried to get bands to switch but they couldn’t. thankfully the promoter was able to swap us with another band, so we had some additional time to get ready. i knew the promoter wouldn’t have done that to us out of malice, super nice guy. i had just wished we had the info prior to doors. we never go out for food if we know we have to play extremely soon. i don’t even eat less than three hours before i sing. i was losing my goddamn mind afraid of blowing our set on the last day of tour.

and i diiiiid ha ha ha as great as we started out, i blew almost the entire set. everyone also lost each other a couple times. because of the fear of fucking up royally we also completely abandoned the mixer for the interlude tracks, which we had to do several times over the course of tour. however usually we’d keep it hooked up so that ryan could hear the clicks, this time we didn’t use them at all but ryan’s tempo was still fine.

i was devastated our last set of tour went the way it did and i just couldn’t suppress the disappointment this time. i immediately inhaled a glass of wine at the bar and disappeared for a bit. as grateful and proud i was that we had just finished our first tour ever, i felt an overwhelming sense of failure. if i’m not consistently performing every night, am i fit to do this long term? am i costing the progress of our band? i worked so hard to be the best i could before we left. extra band practices and singing lessons. i did my best to proactively be aware of breathing technique while singing. is this just not in the cards for me? am i wasting my time and my bandmates time? it’s not a waste of time if it’s something i love, but am i an idiot to keep going? i know change doesn’t happen overnight, but i’ve been at this for so goddamn long now. even if i had confidence on stage to mask any evidence of error, my imperfect performance is still up for criticism. and that’s fair. i’m just afraid i’m sabotaging my own band.

after i was done cradling a box of tissues and watching newfield, i gathered my bandmates and my friend ben (we actually met on this site years ago lmfao he’s from worcester nearby the venue) to go get shit to mix alcohol with for after the show. i was also insanely depressed that funeral attire had to go home right after the show for work early the next day, so no post-show celebratory hangs. we had this stupid huge hotel room to have tiki time in and no funeral attire, we could have fit all twelve of us so comfortably.

but the saving grace of the night was singing flowers with funeral attire. what a FUn number but in all seriousness, my second favorite funeral attire song. their split with i dreamt the sea, the split that song is from, is sooo great. that perked me up a lot. 

after we parted ways with funeral attire we picked up a fat order of taco bell and went back to the hotel to eat, sad drink and watch the lion king. we spent the night sitting around in our new funeral attire merch just shooting the shit, and drinking until we fell asleep. we were easily dreading going back home, but hopeful for what the fall will bring for us as a band and to get back to EP 3 planning.

i know we’ll get to do this again. i just hate that i don’t know when right now. had some pretty bad financial scares on the road, and felt so tired i passed out in the van constantly, but i could sincerely do this forever.

i guess i also should maybe attribute some credit to the fact that chris donis and i booked this tour without any help from any booking company. no guarantees but we at least got something every night. i really don’t know what i would have done without him. i also realized maybe i have more ability as someone in the industry than i think. i feel slightly more knowledgeable now.

now that we know what it’s like to be on the road gigging every night, we can be sooo much more prepared next time. and i’m hoping to redeem myself, and i hope i can be better than ever. jeremiah was right when i called him last night crying - i’m an infinitely better vocalist than i was a year ago. i just hope our progress as a band now is enough to show people we have what it takes.

[nashta]

Disclaimer: I'm not trying to complain or anything

I realize far too many people have it so much worse than I do, and I just need to put this out there or I'll cave in on myself. Also this post is a giant mess and I don't expect anyone to read it. So a few months ago, I started a new job where I'm working on Friday and Saturday until close (0300). My friend who will be moving in this week or next in place of my mom (oh yeah she's leaving the state) is my ride to and from work, and he refuses to pick me up from those two shifts because he works the next morning. Understandable, I guess, but Uber is super expensive like the first ride I had was almost $40. I can't afford that twice a week. Luckily, another friend of mine is saving me and will be my ride home until she goes to boot camp in February. Anyway, I feel lifeless. I'm not eating anything like I should and I have no energy and school is starting soon and I'm under immense amounts of stress and sacrificing more of myself than I have to sacrifice. He complained about the work thing, saying he won't pick me up from that shift, which I kind of get, but he also said he wants his 2 days off to be reliable so he knows that he'll have a day or two to look forward to where he doesn't have to drive or wake up or anything. Again, I get it, but here's the thing: you can't have both. You gotta either give up your guaranteed days off or a couple hours of sleep because I'm already not sleeping much/well, especially with school coming up. A full-time job on top of school that I'm fully responsible for? I will not be sleeping. A big-ass thing, a few months ago when he said he wouldn't pick me up from those shifts, I lashed out and said "how the fuck am I gonna eat with no job?" because yknow, anxiety, and he lashed back "don't you fucking dare try to guilt trip me." I wasn't trying to though, I was honestly just trying to express what my fears were. Literally ever since then, I refuse to tell him anything. I was often told I was a manipulative child, and maybe it's because I was "mature" for a child because manipulation, even after I learned what it was, was never my intent. But now, I can't tell him when something is wrong. I cry after a ton of shifts on the ride home almost the entire ride because honestly I have so much I need to just get OUT (hence this post) and so many things I'm afraid of and things I need him to do or at least listen to and understand. I need a hug and a cry and I need to know I'm safe and things will be fine and that someone gives a legitimate damn about me and my well-being because it really feels like no one in the world cares. Not enough, anyway. At this point now, someone just saying "I care" really isn't going to cut it. I'm not going to believe them, not really. I can consciously tell myself that, I can back it up with evidence and logic and things they've done to "prove" it, but I still won't feel it. He always wants to get home to his place, I understand, he's tired and wants to go, but I'm never okay. I'm so shot, during those times I'm crying in his car for 20 mins I literally just need a real fucking hug and I need to be allowed to cry because I don't make any sound. As soon as I get inside, I break the fuck down like I'm talking drop everything and fall to the floor audibly sobbing, and I'm exaggerating absolutely none of that. I've been afraid to post on this for so long because I know he follows it and reads shit and I'm afraid of what'll happen but honestly I just want to die and the more shit that happens, the more I break and the less I feel and the sooner I'll kill myself so maybe him getting pissed off and so upset with me is for the best. THIS IS A SUPER IMPORTANT BIT @ANYONE/FUTURE ME The reason I'm always crying is that I have things I need to express, but I can't. I'm constantly reminded of that "don't guilt me" thing, and every single thing I need to express is a guilt trip, all of it is a fucking manipulation, and I can't express that feeling because that is ALSO a guilt trip and a fucking manipulation. Telling him what I need and why and how it's fucking with me, that'll possibly make him feel bad, and telling him that I can't tell him shit might also make him feel bad, you see where I'm going with this? He also thinks I'm dramatic and overreacting to shit. My whole body is in pain and simple tasks seem to hurt more than they used to. FUTURE ME, THIS IS ALSO A SUPER IMPORTANT BIT I've expressed some of these things before and he just invalidates them. "Oh you're fine," "you just have hypothermia because you always have the A/C on," "your weight is fine." NO BITCH My temperature at one point hit 94.something. That's dangerous, and while I realize you can get hypothermia from too much A/C, I don't have any of the symptoms and I have too many symptoms of other things that are more likely. My mom is Type 1 brittle diabetic (autoimmune disease) which means being hypoglycemic isn't an out-there theory, I have a lot of symptoms, and it would explain the voodoo doll feeling. Plus hypoglycemia (from what I've read) is often a symptom itself of something else. Having Addison's Disease also isn't all that far off because it is also an autoimmune disease and it attacks internal organs (from what I've read. I'm not a doctor I don't know how likely or unlikely it is that I could have it). ALSO kidney disease (CKD) is another possibility because I have too many symptoms to be that much coincidence and that really freaks me out because if I'm ever so broke that I literally cannot afford food/water/other damn needs, my backup plan (honestly probably for college) is to sell one of my kidneys since you really only need one. And yes, I mean on the black market. Go ahead FBI fucking come for me. If I don't have 2 working kidneys, bye bye backup plan! Also to add to that stress, I don't know half of my biological family medical history. Never had a dad because he left, so I don't know what I'm at risk for from them. I have decent reason to fucking panic! MORE IMPORTANT THING FUTURE ME I KNOW YOU'VE NODDED OFF BY NOW PROBABLY GO FUCK YOURSELF I'm starving myself. Kind of. Ok look it's not in an ED sort of way. It's not like that, I'm not so fucking hungry that I'm clutching my stomach in pain and still refusing to eat. If I'm that hungry I'll try and fucking eat something. I have a small appetite because of stress and probably other things rn. There are usually only a few times I eat: 1) when I watch Shane Dawson videos (idk why he used to do a lot of food stuff and I'd usually watch them after work when I was hungry so maybe that's it but it's stuck now) 2) when I have to take my meds (before work and during work if it's been a while) 3) if my head is being stupid (if I have a massive headache because I've learned that that usually means I need food, or if my head is super foggy and I'm confused and slow and forgetful) My usual weight from a few months ago was like 115-118 lbs. I'm 4'11 so that's not bad BMI but I despised my body and frequently would punish myself for indulging or eating too much. My BMI was fine but too uncomfortably close to "overweight" for me. However, didn't hate my weight, just my body. Light for me was 112-115 lbs. My average-ish weight now is 100 lbs, and it's going down. I don't despise my body now (don't really like it still but I'm fine with it) and I don't want to gain my weight back but I'm also scared to lose more. I weighed myself earlier today and I WAS 98 LBS. THAT'S APPROXIMATELY A 20 LB DROP. That's still a healthy weight, but it wasn't lost in a healthy way and that's what fucking scares me. I sent him a photo of the scale at 99 lbs (he knows my normal weight and I expressed to him when I lost 10 lbs how worried I was because it was after like 2 weeks of accidental starvation) and YOU KNOW WHAT HE FUCKING SAID? "Your weight is nothing to be worried about." I'M NOT WORRIED ABOUT MY WEIGHT I'M WORRIED ABOUT HOW I GOT THERE GODDAMMIT HE FUCKING KNOWS I HAVEN'T BEEN EATING. WE'VE LITERALLY TALKED ABOUT HOW IT'S A FUCKING STRUGGLE FOR ME TO GET IN MORE THAN 800 CALORIES IN A FUCKING WAKE CYCLE PLUS EVERYTHING I'M EATING IS NOT GOOD FOR ME TO BE EATING LIKE THIS Jesus fucking Christ god fucking dammit I'M FUCKING WORRIED ABOUT MY WEIGHT BECAUSE THE ONLY REASON IT'S THERE IS BECAUSE I'VE NOT BEEN EATING. I'VE BEEN FUCKING STARVING MYSELF I've been fucking starving myself. I've been fucking starving myself. I've been fucking starving myself. Because of money. That's literally the reason. I picked up my medication today and had a $1 copay. I've never had a copay before. I had an anxiety attack and bought food, plus I was hungry. I woke at 1800, ate at around 2000, ate again at 1000 when I took another dose of meds before work. This prescription thing, I got back in his car (which isn't working well and he was angry so I kind of get it) at 1700ish. I ate one small soft cookie and he asked me to not eat because chewing irritates him. So I didn't eat until 0100, after a few hours of sleep. Let me timeline this for you: 1800 - wake 2 hours later - approximately 1c rice with nooch and chili powder and a little cheese to take my meds and supplement 14 hours later- 1.5 pieces of naan with hummus to take my meds 7 hours later - 1 small cookie that I then felt bad about buying and eating because it made him angry and reinforced the "you're nothing so you don't deserve to eat" thing in my head 4 hours later - fall asleep 3.5 hours later - wake 30 mins later - half a package of soft cookies with milk 5 hours later - writing this post for 1.5 - 2 hours I don't eat 95% of the time because of money. If I eat this food, then I have to spend money to replace it. I might need that money later so don't eat too much, eat only what you need, don't be a fucking pig, eat only what you need to function, don't be greedy, eat only what you need to stay alive for now, don't piss anyone off by making a mess and being lazy just don't eat if you don't absolutely need to. Don't make anyone angry at you. Make it last. You need boots that you can work in. You need your neck worked out. You want to see Motionless In White, save your money. You can't go to Kipona this year because he won't go with you and you have no one else even though you used to go with Grandbob, maybe next year or the one after that. Save your money. Maybe Muddy Run? Save your money for that. You want to go to the Ren Faire, save all you can for that. Another thing that's fucking with me He said he'd take off work and go to last month's flute circle because I really want him to experience it, but backed out because he didn't want to take off work and left me unable to attend. I rarely go, and it's the last regular experience I have to Grandbob and it absolutely fucking destroyed me to not be there. Again. I can't go to this month's because it was 2 days ago. I don't think I'll be allowed to go back for another few years, I don't think I'll be allowed to experience anything that connects me to Grandbob for another few years and by then they'll probably all be gone. I'm not allowed to cope or lash out or cry or scream or experience emotion or eat or fucking try to have some sort of connection to Grandbob because it inconveniences everyone else and I'm not allowed to have needs or try to take care of myself because it inconveniences everyone else and makes everyone else angry and every single thing I do does that. Last week I woke up at 0200 and couldn't go back to sleep even though I had to be at work at 1100 and close the shop at 2100 and work through those hours. I couldn't get back to sleep even though I tried for hours because I was having a depressive anxiety attack and crying for hours and I was literally imagining that my availability having to change and possibly not being able to work the drunk rush anymore making my boss so angry and upset that he fires me and me being as depressed and anxious and suicidal as I am, literally taking a knife and killing myself in the bathroom and my coworker (who actually got fired irl) found me and was just so apathetic and my boss literally just being like "goddammit now I have this mess to clean up and have to close early and can't make money" and me dying having zero emotional impact on either of them because I'm not a fucking person to them and all I am is a hassle. So I'm seeing that in my head and crying for hours, then I'm also seeing potential effect that that imaginary situation has on my mom and my friend and I'm crying over THAT for hours. God, I don't even fucking know. I just want to die because no one gives a fuck and I hate this country and I don't have enough money to survive and be okay in this country and politics is killing me and money and stress and I just want to fucking die because my soul is cold and nothing feels real or genuine to me anymore and I'm just a fucking obligation to everyone I'm not a fucking person I'm not important I'm just a selfish piece of shit motherfucker that needs to die alone in a hole and I'm pretty sure this whole post is a fucking guilt trip manipulation bullshit even though I don't mean it to be and I wish I never needed anything because hugs aren't feeling genuine anymore no one fucking takes my needs into consideration it doesn't matter how thin i get or how thin I'm spread it's never enough and I can't expect anyone to spread themselves the smallest bit until I'm fucking dust please just end my earthly existence Look at me Look at this fucking post I'm fucking crazy, aren't I? Isn't this the raving of a mad person? I've literally spent 2 hours typing this WHY am I this way? WHY can't I just deal with it like everyone else?

[helloharani]

Guess who got robbed?

If you guessed me, then pat yourself on the back because yeap!! Ya girl got robbed!!!

It’s been 2 days since the incident, so I figured I’d write everything down just for the sake of keeping this ‘diary’ alive.

So here’s what happened.

All I really wanted was for my friends and I to have an enjoyable time on our tourism trip to god forsaken Melaka. But I guess I wasn’t paying attention to the things happening outside my own little happy bubble.

After our visit to the Cheng Ho Museum, Mr. Dev allowed us to go about on our own, and Shub suggested we eat at the most popular laksa shop there. Most of our other college mates went to eat there too. I could tell that Victor was quite uncomfortable with the fact that we were eating there, it was cramped, and him being a foreigner didn’t help because he really didn’t know what food there was to offer. I should have listened when he said “i’m not feeling this place” but instead I just told him that it was going to be okay and the food was going to be good.

Whlle we ate, my phone was on the table so that I could access it easily to take candid pictures for memories, that I would later post here. But right before I went to go pay for the desserts, I put my phone in my bag in fear that I would drop it due to the cramped and crowded interior of the shop. My bag was put on the floor, in between me and Miki’s feet. But I guess we were too excited, trying to get Oppa and Victor to try the desserts because I was dumbfounded when Henry came up to me and said

“Inarah, is your bag with you?”

“umm... yeah,” I replied.

*looks down*

“shit.”

HAHAHAHA GUESS WHAT MOTHERFUCKERS my bag really wasn’t there. All that was left was my stupid hat that I bought for 8 bucks like half an hour before this stupid thing happened.

I literally thought it was a joke, and the lines “this is a joke, this is a joke” kept repeating itself in my head, even as I was running out of the shop and down the street while Henry and Chengmun shouted “WHITE NISSAN ALMERA VAL4226.”

So I ran and ran, and the stupid robbers really must have waited until I finished eating, because I really felt like I was going to die. Chengmun was running beside me, but when I began to tire out, I noticed Shub was running with us as well. I remember making eye contact with him, and then him nodding and running off faster than me. Yoong Yoong (Yen Bin) was running ahead with him too, and at this point I was already crying. Yet, amongst my tears and hasty cries of “someone stole my bag,” no one really stopped to help. It was just us against the world. 

We ran quite far down, and then I saw Yoong Yoong holding a plastic bag with my knapsack in it. A flood of relief swept through my body, but it left me again when Shub told me to check my bag and many things weren’t there. He then asked me if my phone was in there. I said no, because I was really convinced that I left my phone on the table back at the restaurant. Then, I saw it. The Taehyung photocard as well as my family photo that I kept at the back of my phone cover.... but no phone. “Shub, I think my phone was in there.” “Shit!” he screamed, and then he kicked the pole or the wall or something, I don’t really know what it was but Shub I’m so sorry you hurt your toe.

Here are the things they took:

1. My Samsung S8 2. My fast charger 3. My Ipod Classic 4. My Ipod cable 5. My makeup bag (filled with my makeup essentials and other important things like my fenty lipgloss, NARS clear gloss, etude house highlighter and lipstick, brow pencil, etc) 6. My earphones 7. Yan’s white bucket hat 8. My flower clips

Here are the things they didn’t take:

1. My student I/D 2. My MRT card 3. My tangle teezer (fuckin original mates) 4. My nailclipper pouch 5. My calculator (which is quite expensive lah, 50 bucks) 6. My stationary  7. My post-its 8. Plasters 9. Sanitary pads  10. My clip box

Later on in the day, I found out from Henry that two men took my bag. He’s not sure what race they are, but he’s quite convinced they’re Malay. I also found out from Yoong Yoong that they opened the car door and threw my bag out. They also said “sorry.” Other than that, Yoong Yoong also said that the driver was a girl, which explains why they took all my fucking makeup.

Anyway, back to the story.

Shub and Yoong Yoong ran after the car, while Chengmun and I tried to catch up. Eventually we all got separated, except for Chengmun and I. I’m glad she stayed with me, I might have passed out. We passed by multiple policemen, and even the police STATION but every one of them told me to go to the office and make a report. Me, still believing that there was hope that we could catch the thieves before they got any further, kept running on and on. In the end, none of the police really came to help me. The only man who tried to help me was one of the beca drivers, who asked for the details of the car and told us that he had notified all the other beca drivers to look out for the car. He and Chengmun communicated in Mandarin, and trust me, I had never felt more like a foreigner in my own homeland, than at that very moment. 

In the end, I called up Shub and we all met up at the police station. Mr. Dev was there as well. He told Chengmun to stay with us in the station, and the rest to disperse, so they did. While waiting for a very very long time, I called up Yan to tell him what happened. I really thought everyone left, until Minsuk came into the station to pass me his phone, because Bonda was calling. Shub and Victor came in too, to ask for my Samsung account. They were trying to track down my phone. And... they were all waiting outside. In a pondok. When they could have been enjoying the rest of their trip. At this point, I felt like utter shit, ruining other people’s trips and wasting precious time. Why were my friends the ones who were trying to catch the thief, while the police were right in front of me, doing nothing? The only things they were doing were talking very very rudely to each other and complaining about things such as the lights and toilets. The way they conversed with each other were very unprofessional, and I could tell that they weren’t taking my case seriously. They weren’t even taking other people’s cases seriously, judging by the way they were talking to other victims. They couldn’t even spare a simple “everything will be okay.” I only had my friends, and Mr. Dev. 

By the time it was time for me to make a report, it was already 2.30 and we were supposed to board the bus at 2.45. I angrily sat down and gave the evil eye to every single police in the room. Not only was the police women asking me bullshit questions that I had answered a gazillion times already, she started ordering food!! “nak sikit sambal belacan”, “kau beli minuman apa”, and all that bullshit crap. I got really mad, and so did Mr. Dev. I started tearing up the paper I was holding to hold back my anger, and she angrily said in Bahasa, “what are you doing, stop making a mess and behave yourself.” 

After the report had been made, Mr. Dev and I wanted to get our asses out of there. The police wanted to hold us back, but Mr. Dev told them to call him if anything, just so we could leave. Right after we stepped out of the station, I showed the middle finger to the door, and he started complaining about what just happened. He ranted while I cried, and he told me about the injustice the police caused him when his new car got stolen. “The exact same thing happened to me,” he said. 

I tried to keep my mood up while walking back to the bus. My group and I insulted Melaka (sorry), and insulted the whole trip (sorry), vowing to never go back again (sorry). Plus, I read the police report and it was bullshit! Real bullshit BM grammar, the format was shit (no space after fullstops?!). The whole thing was just real, plain, bullshit. 

Once we got in the bus, I was fine. Miki sat with me. Then, I started thinking of the things that I lost, and while I sarcastically and angrily ranted to Miki, I started crying. He kept telling me it was okay, and eventually both of us fell asleep for the whole trip back. According to Shub, it was torture, and he said we were lucky to have fallen asleep. I woke up to a bar of chocolate and a note from Shub that is now stuck on my wall. 

On the way back, I felt nothing less than terrible. I couldn’t stop crying, thinking about the financial issues and days I had ruined. It was one of those days that the world really wasn’t on my side. I knew because all I wanted was a hot shower, yet the water wasn’t hot enough. 

But guess what? My friends visited me. Yan, Kasih and Gyenice came over to visit me, and everything was okay for a moment. We went to the H to order some fat fries. 

In the end, I went to bed upset. Upset for my carelessness, upset about my loss, upset about the authorities, upset about people, upset about how shitty my life was. Basically upset. If it weren’t for my friends who were there for me throughout the day, I don’t know how I would have survived. 

In conclusion, Melaka can go to hell, the police can go to hell, bad people can go to hell. I’m sorry, but at this point I just really want everything to go to hell. But in the end, I’ll probably be the only one going to hell. Haha. 

27th November 2017

[evilelitest2]

Why has political shit gotten so damn extreme like I know Obama wasn't even great but the economy did improve somewhat with him in why the hell did everyone just go absolutely insane this year politically like what is the source of this madness like literally why

That is a very good question, in fact I am doing a whole series right now called 100 Days of Trump where I try explain WTF happened via media, but yes, America has kinda gone insane and at the risk of massive simplification I am boiling it down to 7 core reasons, think 7 sins  

1) Ronald Fucking Reagan, aka Trump 1.0.  Basically Reagan’s entire presidency was either  “Horrible policies that won’t come back to bite us until decades later” or “refusing to reform the system”.  Like, in terms of how the US works administratively, we haven’t reformed since the 80s, we are the most powerful nation in the world with an administrative system from the bloody 70s. LIke I can’t reiterate this enough, America hasn’t had a proper reform for almost 40 years, which btw was also tore of France and Russia right before the revolutions.  Like the Us goverment as an institution hasn’t been patched for ages, it is outdated, underfunded, administratively backwards and mismanaged and that all boils down to Reagan’s policy of massively cutting taxes.  Without money, goverment cannot function and so all of the things goverment is suppose to do aren’t working right.  People without welfare or a social safety net are far more likely to become radical.  When a country has A giant wealth gap, very little welfare, no healthcare, a shitty education system, a shrinking middle classes, and stagnant wages, the country is unstable, that is just how it goes.  All of those things Republicans like to cut aren’t just good because it is nice to not have children die, it also make the country more stable.  If somebody has a decent job, fine education, good standard of living, and a safety net, then they are far less likely to be attracted to radical politics.  But thanks to Reagan we have been spending 36 years cutting the very things that keep the country stable.  Also under Reagan we saw massive money in politics and the start of corporate media.

Also Reagan plus CLinton (who was the democratic Reagan good job) started NAFTA and the Free Trade movement which is great for corporations but terribel for the American worker.  Free trade only works if you combine it with good welfare and public education and the US had neither, cause we wouldn’t want to tax the rich.  Also infrastructure has stagnated, really all over America shit is falling apart because our leaders haven’t been doing their bloody jobs for 4 decades.  

2) The war on Terror.  Like I know it doesn’t feel this way, but we have been at war for 16 years now, a long bloody costly war which….hasn’t really come to anything.  We killed Bin Laden and it didn’t seem to do anything, we invaded Iraq over a false pretense, we have spent Trillions of dollars and nothing ever seems to get better only worse and there doesn’t seem to be a way out.  When people get frustrated and feel like they have been lied too by those in power, they turn to extreme solutions, particularly if said solution is simple, because they want to believe these things can be ended simply rather than address a complicated reality (cause again we cut education for 40 years)

For that matter, also the War on Drugs when it comes to dumb expensive harmful wars that don’t ever effect anything other than increasingly militarizing the police department.  

3) The Crash.  You are right, the economy did improve after Obama and the country is so much stronger than it was after 2008, but most of that economic growth came in the urban areas not the rural and while better it is still really shit for about 50% of Americans who live paycheck to paycheck.   The fact that the Crash was caused by Reagan/Bush/Clinton/Bush’ own incompetent policies and NOBODY was punished for it is still galling, that Wall Street and the banks fucked over the economy for their own personal gain and basically got off scot free for it is really infuriating, and the things that got us into this mess….haven’t really been changed.  Cause money in politics 

4) Money in politics, our political class is an absolute joke.  The fact is that the rich and the corporate wield absurd amounts of influence in American politics and there doesn’t really seem to be anything the people of the US can do about it, its just a nightmare.  There are thousands of easy obvious solutions to problems in the US which could be solved and….they aren’t, because some rich asshole makes more problem by that problem existing or doesn’t want to pay taxes 

5) An outdated political structure, the actual political system of the US is a mess, it doesn’t work as intended and is designed so that the useless shits who are currently in power stay in power while doing as little as possible.  Look at things like the Two Party System, the Primary System, the Electoral College, the structure of the Senate, First Past the Post Voting, Gerrymandering, the Filibuster, the makeup of the Supreme Court, or the military industrial complex and tell me that any of that shit makes sense, its a nightmare, it needs reform and nobody is going to do it because anybody who actually wins using these broken terrible rules they are incentives  to not fix them, because after all…they won that way.  People feel quite rightly that they have very little say over what their goverment does and the last 16 years in particular have just been that on open display to everyone . LIke everybody knows that the War on Terror and the War on Drugs don’t work, but nobody stops it because the political system disincentives politicians from actually solving problems.  

6) Racism……racism, like…..racism.  The US is a deeply racist country, the Civil Rights movement wasn’t very long ago and there is a segment of this population who really wish that  the Civil Rights movement never happened.  To them, the fact that a black man was in office for 8 years, a black man named Barrack Hussein Obama, scared and enraged them, almost as much as the knowledge that thanks to Latino immigration the US is becoming less and less white.  To people who have thoroughly internalized the racial caste system, the knowledge that they might not have the automatic power and privilege that comes with being white in the US scares them, and Obama’s existence is living proof to how much the country is changing.  Combine that with a growing self confident and  assertive new civil rights movement in Black Lives matter and a lot of racists fear that the power that comes with being white in this country might be stripped from them . There was an interesting study where white people believed the number of Blacks and Latinos were at 20% and 25% respectively, when in reality it is 14% and 17%, there is a racist backlash to the thought of a changing nation.  This happens all the time btw, much of  most violent  racism always comes not when a group is so small it is almost unnoticeable, or when the group is large enough to defend itself, but when that group is large enough to establish themselves but not large enough to defend themselves.  

7) Finally it must be said, a polarized nation makes a lot of money for a lot of people, and by a lot of people I of course mean Rupert Murdoch.  A lot of core Trump supporters would actually like the Democratic party based on certain principles, wellfare most notably, but they can’t see it that way, they are constantly being riled up by the Right Wing media machine, and this is true to a lesser extent on the left and center.  Outrage and fear makes money, and ever since the US News Media have been corporately owned (thanks Reagan…thanks a lot) there is a whole industry based on peddling to humanity lowest urges and encouraging their worse behavior.  Cause here is the thing, Fox News makes money when it depicts Obama as a secret terrorist Socialist Communist hoping to kill all the whites.  If the US went to war with Iran, Fox New’s investors would cheer because that makes more money it is simply more profitably to have a divided nation than a united one.  I mean think about how the Gun industry’s main selling point i “Fuck those liberals” you buy a gun as much to piss off the imagined liberal boogie men as you do for other reasons, and this is true to a lesser degree to the left.  

TLDR: America has been adopting a “Kick the can down the road” approach and in 2016 the road has been blocked by a giant mountain of cans and we crashed the car.  

[pisati]

I don’t remember too much about my birthday last year, besides having to work and mom taking me out to the cat cafe and the brewery. but despite having a pandemic birthday it was actually pretty nice.

I finally got 3 days off in a row. I did tell my friend Cassidy that I’d help them take their stuff to the UPS store to ship it back to CA, but I honestly thought it would only take part of the day. I didn’t mind grabbing lunch and also staying for dinner, but I didn’t really want to have to be driving all over that part of the DC area all day. which was what happened. I didn’t end up getting home til 1am, and while I DID tell them I could help, it kind of felt like a wasted day. wasn’t really an off-day. BUT Cassidy did cover all my food, got me a lovely birthday cake, and gave me some coloring book-style postcards and a little stuffed brain cell. plus a literal fuckton of crafting supplies they didn’t feel like hauling back to CA. I asked how much they’d want for it; they did say I could just have it but seriously that haul has got to be worth at least $150. there were 6 bottles of resin/hardener and those ALONE have got to be worth $80 at a minimum. they said they’d just ask $40 and like... shit, sure. that’s a goddamn steal.

they also sold me their 4x4 ikea kallax shelf; I remember helping them put it together when they first moved to MD. we took it apart and I had my brother come over sunday to help me carry the pieces upstairs. then put it together entirely by myself, which... I probably shouldn’t have done? I made it work, but that shit is Heavy and also very difficult to put together on your own. even the manual says you should have two people. every muscle in my upper body is incredibly sore now, and I managed to bruise both arms in multiple places (not even doing anything seriously injurious, I’m just an overripe banana). but in making room for it in my living room I rearranged the couches, relocated all my yarn to the new shelf from my old craft shelves (and it took up 12/16 of the cubes 🙃), re-sorted and organized the remaining craft shelves, took the two 1x3 shelves up to the rats’ room (and now they’re being used as towel storage), and actually cleaned up my living room area. my dining room table is sewing-machine-free for the first time since march. I just moved it to the craft shelves, and now I actually have the room there for the machine to just sit. the accessories have their own shelf bin. 

mom wanted to do dinner sunday night instead of today, and I guess that was okay. but it didn’t leave me much down time since I spent all day cleaning and organizing. but it was nice anyway. I got home and mom had blown up some balloons, and she had RHCP playing all evening. I’d requested homemade mac & cheese rather than noodles & co this year, and she found a pretty good recipe. she also made a cinnamon sugar doughnut bundt cake, which was good, though maybe a little dry. but served with ice cream it was better. mom told me she had another piece today and it was more moist today somehow.

mom and my brother had ordered me a bunch of things off my crafting wishlist on amazon, and those had come in during the week. my brother ordered the animal keychain molds, a mica powder dye set, black/white alcohol inks, and a silicone mold kit. mom got me a coaster mold set, another resin/hardener set, and a bunch of the sandpaper with the different grits that I really needed. I was kind of surprised she’d ordered me more things, since she already got me the huge rat cage. and she even told me today I should be getting another coaster set tomorrow, this one with 4 of the same size; the other one she ordered had 4 or 5 round molds but they were all different sizes. I can still make coasters with them, but the biggest one is small-tray sized and the smallest one is like... coin-sized, honestly. it’s tiny. and I can only make one at a time, so a set of 4 of the same size would take 4 days at a bare minimum; longer than that possibly if I were doing layers that needed to cure first. so with a set of 4 I can whip up a whole set at once. 

mom’s boyfriend got me things too, which was super nice of him. they saved it for the dinner night, so I got to open it there. he got me a geode coaster mold, the set of animal butt shaker molds I put on my wishlist kind of as a joke, but also I thought they were silly and adorable. I’m so excited to make those little shakers. also got a set of 3 trinket box molds with molds for the lids, and a little bag of snake charms I’d added so I could use the charms for mold-making; I could make my own little snake charm earrings!

so yesterday was a long day. and then I slept like garbage and woke up early this morning, but I at least got a few things done before Charlotte came over. we planned on a lazy day but since I’d wanted to make yesterday my craft day and never got around to it, I wanted to do that today. Charlotte I guess didn’t have the same idea, but she’d brought her laptop so she could play this video game she and her brother and husband and so on had played together. we ordered five guys for lunch, which is always nice. she brought me homemade cinnamon sugar cupcakes, and gave me a hand mixer, a few bath bombs, and some face masks as a birthday gift. she was right, I really do need my own hand mixer, ha. 

I finally got to work on my silicone molds, and it was super messy. I didn’t realize how much worse it would be than resin. but I tried my best to mix it well. I’d accidentally bought a $25 kit at michael’s a few weeks ago, because I’d picked it up from a clearance section and wanted to price check but forgot and forgot it was in my basket when I checked out; didn’t even realize I’d bought it until I was already back in my car looking into the bag. oops. but I ended up using the whole thing. and I had planned to make a crochet hook mold, so I was excited to try it. mom gave me an old tennis ball can that I cut up, and I used hot glue to seal it and position the hooks. I felt SO bad that it used up almost all of the silicone kit my brother got me; that shit is NOT cheap. and I was terrified I didn’t stir it well enough or mix the parts well enough because that would’ve been such a waste. but I demolded it after the few hours’ cure time and it came out beautifully. I cut slits in it with an xacto knife, so that way I can at least coax the hooks out more easily when I go to demold. it did seem like kind of a waste of a lot of the silicone, since I didn’t use up all the space, but hopefully I can sell enough crochet hook sets that I can maybe buy myself more. I’m nervous about those pours, because they’re not going to be easy, but I’m also excited bc I have a gorgeous, usable mold, and I got a ton of resin for [almost] free that I can experiment with. 

after that I finally got around to some of the resin I’ve been meaning to do. my friend in PA requested some resin earrings; she’s bought so many masks off my etsy for herself and family that after this last order I offered her a resin or crochet thing at no charge. so I’ve got to do some moon earrings; too bad I don’t have more than one moon mold. also my brother babysat some kids the last few weeks of summer and he’d taken them out to gather wildflowers for me to put into resin, so I offered to make them little resin keychains. I got little transparent letter stickers, and I’m super glad they worked as well as they did; the transparent stickers don’t show their borders in the resin so it almost looks like the letters are printed in it. I decided to make letter keychains with each of their initials, and I spelled their names with stickers in the letters. for the girl’s keychain, I added some of the flowers. I’m not sure what to put in the boys’ keychains quite yet. I’m told they’re harry potter fans, so maybe I’ll do some kind of transparent blue with gold glitter or maybe star glitter or something. I also had leftover colored resin from the moon mold so I added them to the J for my mom. nothing like the scramble for appropriately-sized molds when you’ve got extra resin. I also made another set of cat earrings, and I’ll see how those end up. I tried a drop of gold alcohol ink, and hopefully the white helped it sink. otherwise I’ve just got some weird looking cat earrings. 

(update, they turned out weird. gold doesn’t sink :/)

---

I wasn’t quite ready to go back to work today. I had a pretty good weekend, all said. don’t get me wrong, I enjoy what I do. but I feel like I need another gap year. I just want to stop existing for a while. stop having to go out and be around other people. having to talk to other people, all day almost every day. I’m tired. my brain is tired. my last gap year didn’t help with that, so I’m not sure how much good another one would do me. but I just... I need a damn break. 

I have another therapy appointment tomorrow. it may end up being my last one for a while. I already can’t really afford the copay, and I’m switching insurance to one she doesn’t take. my credit card bill this month is incredibly painful. not going to be too upset at not having to spend almost $100 a week to just ramble to someone I barely know. she’s pointed out a few things to me that I didn’t really notice I do, which is nice. but is it worth $400 a month? not right now. not when I’m about to lose my insurance and have to pay for my own. my rent is already half my pay, and now I’m going take a pay cut of somewhere around $100 a month for fucking health insurance. I hate this. I fucking hate the concept of health insurance. insurance in and of itself isn’t bad; property insurance is helpful. but having to pay money for other people to pay money for your healthcare? and you still have to hit a deductible somewhere in the thousands before insurance will even start covering your shit. and even then they can decline coverage or only cover parts of your expenses. literally what is the point

 back to worrying I guess. 

I’ve started a kind of ridiculous undertaking at work as a side project, now that I’m done scanning all the files that were up front. I printed out the list of all the clients in our system that had physical folders, and I’m going through the scanned records and making sure the active ones have new client paperwork and the hours disclosure attached. the head receptionist asked me to start with the ones my former coworker had scanned in, and there are a lot of disclosures missing. some are missing both. I don’t know if he just didn’t scan them or if they didn’t have them at all or what. but I’ve been putting alerts in charts so people know that they need to give the forms to the clients when they come in. we had one client get kind of mad that he’s been coming to us for 10-some years and didn’t want to fill out the paperwork again, even after we clarified it was for our records and for legal reasons. but whatever. 

I don’t know how many physical folders there were, but the list is very long. the folders go from 0 to somewhere in the 8000s I believe, but thankfully a lot are missing. missing as in possibly inactive, so there might only actually be 1000-2000 or so. but I’m going through every single one of them. I made myself a little system with highlighter colors: yellow means the client is active and they need something filled out (and I mark on the sheet what they need), purple means they’ve been seen within 3 years but more than 1 year ago, and they need to fill out something, pink mens inactive, and orange is kind of a catch-all for things like active clients who have recently moved (not sure whether to mark those as inactive). so far, since starting this a week or so ago, I’ve managed to get through 4 pages and a little bit on a 5th. many, many more to go.

the head vet wants to turn the back room into a little employee lounge area of some sort, but we want to get rid of those shelves first too. which means I have 2 big shelves of folders left before I’m officially done. thankfully the files in the back should *mostly* be clients that are inactive, but I still have to go through all of them to make sure. I know I’ve gone back there a number of times to find a folder for an active client because I wasn’t sure whose phone number was whose and I knew it would be in the record. 

---

I’ve been writing this post over the last two nights but I keep falling asleep while I’m writing. I did a lot more resin stuff last night, so I ended up going to bed pretty late. I wanted to finish up those keychains but I’m bad at gauging how much resin I’ll need for things so I ended up with a lot of random extra pours. I’m excited about a few of them; I poured a few into the new molds I made so I’m looking forward to seeing how those turn out. 

not really sure where I was going with this. not really sure where I’m going in general. I’m just going. trying to keep up with work, trying to remember doctor appointments. trying to keep the rats happy and as healthy as I can get them, trying not to let the cat get on my nerves too much. trying to do crafts. trying to remember to talk to people, but I don’t know. I feel lonely sometimes but since I’ve been working so much I kind of just want to be alone. I don’t have the energy for conversations a lot of the time. 

---

hm. maybe another post for therapy thoughts. I was asked to think about a few things.

[trendingnewsb]

Millions Of Americans Go To Mexico When They Need Healthcare

How much does healthcare cost in the USA? Let’s put it this way: It’s often cheaper to fly to another goddamned country, get treatment there, and fly back. It turns out that Americans do this all the time, and their preferred destination is their constantly insulted neighbor to the immediate south …

5

Going To Mexico For Treatment Can Be Worth It — Even If You’re Already Insured

You probably already knew that healthcare is way more expensive in the USA than just about anywhere else. But you probably also know we got a big ol’ health care overhaul this past decade that was supposed to fix things (among other effects, it reduced the number of uninsured Americans by a significant amount). And yet even today, Americans find it worthwhile to leave the country when they need treatment. Looking only at California, a million medical tourists a year went across the border both before Obamacare and after Obamacare. “If anything, we’ve gotten more business since Obamacare,” says Jerry, who ferries medical tourists south in his shuttle bus. So what’s going on here?

“American health insurance is really strange,” says Dr. Juan, a Mexican dentist whose practice is a mile south of the border. “It can cover so much or so little.” Some of the American patients who come to Dr. Juan don’t have insurance, but most do, and they tell him it’s still cheaper to pay out of pocket in Mexico than to throw it to insurance in the U.S. Plans still generally leave you with a deductible to pay, and deductibles keep growing. Unless you qualify for subsidies, your out-of-pocket costs probably went up under the Affordable Care Act.

So cheap care in Mexico can look like one hell of a good alternative. Costs overall are said to be 40-65 percent less than in America — 70 percent or even more if we’re talking about dental work. When you’re facing a five-figure bill in the U.S., that means you can buy a plane ticket to Tijuana, book a hotel there, get healed, and then throw in another week of sightseeing and tequila on top of that, and you’ll still end up spending less than if you’d gotten the work done at home.

Read Next

I Worked For A Company Selling Fake Paintings To Old People

You might even save time, since these hospitals don’t make you wait for elective procedures. We should mention, though, that American wait times are hardly the worst in the world. “I get enough Americans complaining about waiting months,” says Jerry. “Canadians have to wait years.” So even some Canadians make the medical trip to Mexico, despite cost not really being an issue when you’ve got government healthcare. One recent Canuck passenger of Jerry’s needed leg surgery so she could walk properly. “She told me that the wait in Canada was five years,” he says. “I couldn’t believe it.” But she got fixed up five years sooner by heading south (or as we assume Canadians call it, “south-south”).

4

Some Tourists Like Mexican Healthcare While Still Being Racist Against Mexicans

You might imagine there’s something of an internal conflict for patients who screamed for a border wall to keep the filthy Mexicans out, only to themselves go south in their time of need. This is not representative of most people Jerry transports, but there are enough of them that he’s come to expect it.

Someone might refer to the “beaner doctor” they’re going to see. Or “wetback doctor,” which comes off as very ignorant both in the that’s racist sense and in that the speaker appears not to know what that slur literally means. “Wetback doctor would be working outside a Home Depot if it wasn’t for us,” said one passenger, according to Jerry, showing so many levels of misunderstanding that we don’t even know where to start.

One large man got on the shuttle and announced to everyone, “I’m a Vietnam vet, and the VA can’t do shit about what I have.” It could be the first line of a moving tale of woe, but Jerry predicted merely by looking at him that the guy would be trouble. “He kept saying ‘spic with a scalpel,'” he tells us, “in place of ‘Mexican doctor’ — or, let’s be real here, ‘doctor.'” Jerry has light skin (plus a name tag that reads “Jerry”), so passengers seem to assume he’s cool with hearing slurs, not realizing he’s half-Mexican himself.

He usually doesn’t say anything, though in the case of the large Vietnam vet, he did tell the guy he should consider keeping that shit to himself once he’s off the bus.

3

It’s Hilarious How Mistaken Patients’ Idea Of Mexico Is

Jerry can generally guess how much a patient knows about Mexico based on where they’re from. He’ll get people from Texas or New Mexico or Arizona, and they know exactly what to expect from a major Mexican city, especially if they happen to be Latino. “And then we get people from way up north,” says Jerry — people who’d never visit Mexico but for this surgery of theirs. “They expect to see mariachi bands everywhere.”

Now, we totally recommend you check out some mariachi music next time you’re in Mexico, but not every place you go will look like a cheesy themed amusement park. Dr. Juan’s office, for example, looks like a dentist’s office anywhere else in the world, to the disappointment of many Americans with vague hopes of something exotic. A Mexican hospital is … a hospital, with no special ethnic flourishes. “Some people expect taco stands inside,” says Jerry. He’s not kidding; one Canadian patient gleefully pointed at a brochure that said “taco bar on premise,” thinking he could get pico and guac in the waiting room. Jerry had to explain that the brochure was for a hotel.

Other passengers complain to Jerry when a hospital lobby has English magazines set out by staff trying to cater to Americans. These patients want Spanish magazines so they can “see the culture” (even if they can’t read said magazines, since they don’t know Spanish). Some elderly patients, whose entire knowledge of Mexico appears to come from Westerns and footage of illegal border crossings, complain about never seeing the “real” Mexico, because the city they visit has sidewalks and paved roads.

2

Patients Make Whole Vacations Out Of Hospital Visits

Some medical tourists do take the opportunity to spend a little more time in the country they’re visiting. Jerry will be taking some busload to the hospital, and he’ll notice that hardly any of the talk behind him is about anything medical. Instead, passengers talk about relaxing by the pool later, or going horseback riding. “It sometimes feels like I’m taking them to a resort,” he says. The medical procedure is simply one day of a week-long vacation.

Good for them, but that’s the most surreal part of this whole thing. Medical costs force Americans into bankruptcy, leave others dead, and made these particular patients leave their country in search of treatment they can afford, but it can also be an excuse to spend a few days working on your tan. “An American said it was like being given a five-hour sales pitch on a timeshare for two nights free,” says Jerry. “The surgery is like the lecture, and the rest of the trip makes up for it.” And why not? They’re still saving money, even with all the extra stuff included. We’ll say it again: This is nuts.

And the towns they visit happily cater to this specific kind of traveler. Shuttles like Jerry’s are one part of the medical tourism industry, because no one wants to drive right after surgery (or bring their car to a country they’ve heard is full of crime). Clinics advertise these shuttles, which pick you up at an American airport or other spot north of the border and take you directly to an eager doctor swinging a stethoscope.

Many of these are standalone clinics, but others grab the all-inclusive / office park model to dive into the “tourism” part of medical tourism. “There will be restaurants, shops, spas,” says Jerry. The restaurants have rice and other soft foods, perfect for dental patients still sore from Dr. Juan’s probing. Pamphlets direct you to the spa from within the hospital itself. And when you walk out of an eye clinic, you’ll see hawkers selling something perfect for patients with dilating pupils as well as tourists of all kinds: sunglasses! Which might be genuine Ray-Bans, if you don’t look at the logo too carefully.

1

Even Medical Tourists Mistrust Foreign Doctors

Expensive means good, we’ve been taught. Cheap means bad. Cheap knockoffs are sure to be inferior, with cheap Mexican knockoffs definitely not an exception. So some Americans view lost-cost Mexican healthcare with the skepticism of, say, that tourist being handed $5 Ray-Bans.

Dr. Juan’s patients think they know more about mouths than he does, and insist on describing how their own dentists back home do things. Or they’ll ask if he knows what Novocain is. “Not if I’m going to use it,” he clarifies for us, “but if I know what it is.” (He does know what Novocain is. He also knows they probably mean lidocaine, because most dentists haven’t used Novocain for decades.)

His favorite line came from a patronizing New Yorker, who advised him before a procedure, “Be sure to use surgical gloves.” Other patients are surprised he has state-of-the-art equipment. One was surprised to see solid brick buildings.

Those attitudes seem ridiculous to Dr. Juan, but patient advocates do suggest that you research any foreign clinic and even check it out personally before agreeing to be treated. Sure, good doctors in Mexico may be as skilled as their counterparts in America, but that doesn’t mean you can trust just any building in a border village or resort town that swears it’s a hospital. Maybe you’ll find yourself operated on by a cosmetologist instead of a surgeon and needlessly end up dead. Or maybe the mistake will be less major, but you won’t have American courts protecting you afterward or getting you compensation. Medical tourism comes with risks. It’s a messy workaround that shouldn’t be necessary, not some awesome hack that beats the system.

Every so often, a patient of Dr. Juan’s will get up from the chair, still in severe pain, and leave. “Sorry,” they say, leaving their nonrefundable payment behind. “I can’t do this.” And at least once a month, Jerry takes some passenger like that back to the U.S., their procedure abandoned. One memorable guy made it as far as having his leg shaved in surgical prep before getting out of there, spooked at the last minute by hearing the doctors speaking Spanish. On the shuttle north, the other passengers talked about how well their own operations had gone, so after they crossed the border, he phoned the hospital, asking if he could do the surgery after all. They told him it was too late — to go forward with it, he’d have to pay the fee a second time.

Maybe he ended up doing that. Even paying twice, it would still be a bargain.

Evan V. Symon is a writer, interview finder and journalist for the Personal Experiences section at Cracked. Have an awesome job/experience you’d like to see up here? Then hit us up in the forums.

Interested in making a trip to Mexico? Check out Fodor’s Guide to San Diego and Tijuana.

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KCON LA 2017 fanaccount!!

part 4: tips & advice 

Just some things from my experience! Hope it helps :) 

My inbox is always open if you have any questions! KCON is super confusing and I’d be happy to help out in any way I can.

Tickets and vouchers:

Before tickets go on sale, really think about what kind of seat you want (how close you want to be to the stage). I feel like other than GA/standing (diamond, platinum, P1 and P2) all of the other seats are kind of the same? I was in P3 and I felt like I probably could’ve had the same experience being in P5 for like $100 less LOL. I was still looking at the big screen a lot from my P3 seat. The sound in the Staples Center is really good so there’s no way you’d miss out on the sound experience no matter which seat you have.

That said, other considerations:

People with GA tickets start lining up at the Staples Center the morning of the concert or even the night before (so I’ve heard) so they can get a good view. If you’re with friends, you can take turns waiting in line, but just be prepared to wait in line for hours or else you won’t get a good view.

Idk how they’ll do the stage in future years, but this year most of the idols walked through P2 GA to get to the stage. If you want to see them up close, that might be the way to go :)

Vouchers! Omg the voucher situation is really messy. I had an extra P2 ticket by accident and I hoped I could offset the cost by selling off the vouchers that came with it, but that didn’t happen. Don’t buy a higher tier ticket expecting that you’re gonna be able to sell off vouchers for lots of money! Especially since this year, KCON removed Wanna One from the regular hi-touch options and did a raffle for it instead, so the demand (and therefore cost) for Seventeen hi-touches shot up like crazy. I wouldn’t put it past KCON to do something like that again - manipulate the demand for fan engagements so that people end up paying more money.

As an aside, this is kind of useless info but it’s something I wanted to know when I was looking at tickets: the “limited edition gift bag” that comes with P1/P2 doesn’t really have anything in it LOL. It has some stickers/decals/pins for KCON, but no artist merch or anything. 

This is super important: don’t panic if you don’t get a ticket the first round. AXS sucks and it’s really hard to get the ticket you want, but just be patient. DO NOT spend more money than necessary buying from Stubhub or other resellers. KCON will most likely release more tickets later on even if Staples or whoever claims it’s “sold out”. Plus, people will sell their tickets as KCON approaches because something came up or whatever, and the closer you get to KCON, the lower the price will be. On the day of the concert, I saw someone selling a P4 ticket for $40. (The face value for P4 is $110 + taxes and fees, so.) One of my friends happened to be in the area so they randomly showed up at 6pm, and bought VIP tickets from someone for a third of the original price. I know it can be hard, but be patient! If you’re interested in the convention itself, go ahead and make plans to go, and look for concert tickets later. Do not panic.

Be careful of scams. If it’s not a face-to-face or otherwise physical transaction, always use Paypal’s Goods and Services option. It will allow you to file for a refund if you find out you’ve been scammed. Trust your instincts; if a seller seems sketchy, it’s best to be safe. If a seller asks you not to use Goods and Services, this is sketchy.

If you have a P2 or higher ticket, check in and get your vouchers as early as you possibly can. If you check in on Saturday and get a voucher for something that already passed, you’ve just lost a selling or trading opportunity. Don’t worry too much though, KCON usually makes it so that the schedule of fan engagements goes from (approximately) least popular to most popular over the course of the weekend.

I mentioned this in part 1 of my fanaccount but the check-in lines weren’t bad this year. Hopefully KCON keeps its shit together in this aspect for next year!

This year, there were really well-made fake vouchers being sold/traded at the convention. Pay close attention to what you’re getting: look at the font, the spelling (ex. K.A.R.D doesn’t have a period on the end), the spacing - if those are difficult for you to notice, look for the shiny KCON watermark in the top right corner of the voucher.

It’s good to decide beforehand how much money you’re willing to spend on a voucher you want, so you can stick to that price and be less tempted to just pay whatever price someone asks. 

Budgeting:

Hotels in downtown LA are expensive, just fyi.

By all means, have an upper limit on how much you want to spend on each meal, but don’t do what I did and skip meals to save money. Eating is important!!! The KCON food street is a bit overpriced, but it’s good food, and you should go enjoy it! (I heard they cut down prices after 6pm, but I was not able to find this out for myself.)

Also, I had zero problems at bag check with bringing in food and water, so bring lots of snacks and water so you don’t have to buy those there!

Make sure to budget for merch :)

Convention:

Make sure to ask the Toyota booth staff when idols are visiting!

You don’t actually need to print your ticket despite what they tell you. It’s ok if it’s on your phone.

Some of the booths do giveaways, so stick around if you have time and try to win some free stuff.

I wish I had gone to more panels and workshops, just saying.

Wear comfy shoes (and clothes)! You’ll be walking and standing a lot. I was sore after Day 1 :(

People start lining up for fan engagements (and other things, like the free dumplings with Bibigo) pretty early, but it can be hard to predict how early. If you want a good view, check the fan engagement area every so often and see if people have started to line up yet. 

Make friends in line! You can save each other’s spots for bathroom/food breaks and such.

Concert:

Find the correct line. This is really important but I feel like people forget; make sure you’re in the right line! You don’t want to get to the front and find out you have to go somewhere else. People in the line might not even know which line it is, so try to find staff to ask where to go. I wanna say that it’s fair to assume that unless you have GA tickets, you should not be in a long line. Once I found the proper bag check line, I was in the door within 5 minutes.

PS: the Staples Center does not permit backpacks, and large bags will take longer to check too. Save yourself the trouble and leave unnecessary items in the car or at home.

Definitely recommend bringing earplugs. I watched a fancam of Habit recently and I realized that my ears were ringing so much at that point that I hadn’t been able to hear it clearly. Sad :( 

Bring a light stick! I don’t necessarily mean those $50 fanclub light sticks, but just something that lights up and that you can wave around. It’s cool to have something to show how excited you are :)

You don’t actually need to print your ticket despite what they tell you. It’s ok if it’s on your phone.

Things to bring:

Having a portable charger is a lifesaver.

An actual camera and/or video camera. Maybe I’m just incompetent with technology, but a lot of my fancams are really blurry because my phone camera didn’t feel like focusing properly. Also, my phone ran out of storage space despite me deleting every app I could and my text history with my sister.

Reusable water bottle(s) and snacks.

Sign(s) for your bias(es), if you want them to notice you ;)

That’s all I can think of for now! My inbox is always open :)