#possibly bcs I have some free time this week and no pressing deadlines??

[raksh-writes]

Oh my god, I just got hit with Such a hardcore urge to do a fresh reinstall of Skyrim and rebuild my mod list from the ground up that it's making it Impossible to focus on anything else and I was supposed to be writing a paper for one of my uni classes today, like why, brain??? Why NOW??? 😭😭

Feels like Im not gonna be able to get my hands on anything else until I do it and it might as well take the whole day ahhhhowpghhiulaergnilaengnalg the fuck is this, help 😭😭

[neveralarch]

ohhhh please do allez. star emoji

Allez is the fic that nearly fucking killed me, it was soooo frustrating. But successful in the end I think! Thank you for asking about it, apparently I desperately wanted to spill out the process behind writing it. Very long response under the cut, including a NSFW/adult excerpt from a previous version of the fic. If you have any questions about specific lines in the fic definitely lmk, bc I basically just yelled about writing here and very little about the actual plot or anything haha.

It's very weird for me to have a long fic or a series that I actually WANT to continue - usually I write a thing and then I'm done with it (and sometimes just done with the fandom altogether), which I know can be kind of frustrating to the readers who were hoping for more. But fencing fic is just like this WELL, I have all of this stuff from it I want to splash out on the pavement for people to look at, and it's been super fun to just invite those questions and prompts that people have and see if I can get anything out of the well for those.

Neery left a comment on Passe (the last main fic) that said in part "If you're taking prompts for this universe, I'd love to see more of Wheeljack's and Starscream's relationship, especially their first time (because you can't tell me Starscream wasn't a neurotic mess about it)." And I went YEAH and then hopped into chat with Dez ( @sauntervaguelydown ) and basically just banged out the whole plot while a) tipsy after a party and then b) the next morning in between refereeing at a fencing tournament. Which was probably a good set of states to be thinking about this fic.

At first I was thinking of this as a short five times fic, basically showing a set of sex failures followed by sex success, because I love bad sex becoming good sex in fic. But the more I thought about it the more serious it got, because it was so tangled up in my head with this idea of what 'good' sex actually is and who gets to decide if you're having good sex. This is a little TMI but I also became sexually active in the last couple years and I've been spending a lot of time trying to figure out what the difference between fantasy and physical desire is as a person who used to be and maybe still is on the ace spectrum somewhere. And (again) what the distinction is between 'good sex' and 'sex I want to have.' So the more I worked on this the more all of that started spilling onto the page.

I also felt a little uncertain about where I left Starscream and Wheeljack in the main fics. I think they can and will be happy, but the undercurrent in the series is that Starscream is still really hung up on Megatron while also recognizing how much Megatron fucked him over, while Wheeljack is furious at Megatron both for what he did to Starscream and for what he perceives Megatron to have done to fencing in general. Starscream's half of that undercurrent gets resolved in the main series, but Wheeljack's half doesn't and it felt like I needed to tackle that in Allez.

I figured this would be an easy fic to write even though I wanted it to be more serious because I knew exactly what the goals were and exactly what the plot was. And then I started writing it and walked straight into a wall. I wrote 2600 words from Starscream's pov, which was FUN but meant that Wheeljack was just... there. Hanging around and being a Good Boyfriend while Starscream panicked.

Starscream flashed a grin, trying to look like a confident mech-about-town who you could trust with your connectors. He could do this. It would be slow and soft and nice, everything you were supposed to do with your sweetspark. And it would feel amazing, because he liked Wheeljack and he wanted to be with him.

"Starscream?" Wheeljack was leaning back a little. "What's that look about?"

"Nothing." Starscream snapped his panel back, transforming his array so the plug was uppermost. "Just thinking about how much I want you."

Wheeljack's optics softened, and his panel opened. His own array transformed into the compatible configuration, plug below his socket. Frag, this was going to be good. Starscream wanted to shove Wheeljack down and slam their arrays together, or for Wheeljack to shove Starscream on his back and ride Starscream's plug until Starscream was begging for the reciprocal connection, desperate for charge.

But Starscream didn't do any of those things, because he was trying to do this right. Instead he leaned back and spread his legs, pulling Wheeljack in by his shoulder to rest between them. Wheeljack's optics were glistening as he eased forward, and they both gasped as their arrays met. The tips of their prongs breached their sockets, and that first tingle of charge was everything Starscream had wanted.

Wheeljack was careful, so careful as he pressed forward, micrometer by micrometer. The charge was a teasing tingle crawling from Starscream's array to the tips of his wings. Wheeljack leaned forward and kissed Starscream as they slipped a little closer together, and it was all perfectly dull.

No. Perfect, it was perfect. The charge wasn't supposed to come in rolling waves that nearly knocked you offline, and your partner wasn't supposed to wrestle you down to the berth while you tried to throw them off. This was the way good mechs fragged. Good mechs like Wheeljack, and like the mech Starscream was pretending to be.

"Starscream," murmured Wheeljack.

Starscream squeezed his optics shut and arched his back a little, forcing the connection deeper before he remembered that he was trying to let Wheeljack control the pace. Wheeljack's frame was hovering over Starscream's, not covering him. He was still modulating his charge to match the chaste little trickle Starscream was allowing through. His mask was still pressed against Starscream's lips. It was straight out of a romance holo.

It wasn't supposed to be boring.

"Starscream," said Wheeljack again. "Starscream, are you okay? I'm gonna disconnect."

"No!" Starscream tightened his grip on Wheeljack's shoulder.

"You're obviously not having a good time." Wheeljack pulled back, able to resist Starscream with his better leverage. "We don't have to connect, it's fine."

"It's not fine!" Starscream tried to tighten his socket to keep Wheeljack there, but Wheeljack's prongs were too thin and smooth for Starscream to catch. "I want to connect, I want to be with you."

"You are with me." Wheeljack laid a hand against Starscream's cheek and pulled their arrays apart. "You don't have to-"

"I hate you," hissed Starscream. "Why can't you just do it? Why can't you just show some bearings and let me worry about myself?"

You see? Fun to write but Wheeljack is just this thing for Starscream to react against.

I chatted with Dez about the problem and decided to rewrite the fic in Wheeljack pov so the exact source of Starscream's neuroticism would be more of a reveal and so I could get further into Wheeljack's head. I got a few hundred words into the new version and just COULD NOT do it, Wheeljack's voice felt all wrong, like I was writing Starscream again but putting Wheeljack's name on it. I talked to Dez about it AGAIN and finally hit on the idea of Wheeljack trying to feel his way through a relationship on trial and error (because Starscream is incapable of communicating) and the amazingly romantic gesture of flowcharts. After that I mostly had it. Until I hit the ending and slammed into ANOTHER wall and had to go back to Dez and be like. Please. Read this. Tell me how to be free.

Dez suggested Starscream and Wheeljack actually having A Conversation after they manage to have sex - basically that they had earned some emotional honesty after all that. This REALLY helped, and I managed to get it the rest of the way to the ending from here, although it took two more rewrites and a whole other ending scene. Total time from conception to post: about 6 weeks, which isn't that much except I felt like I was banging my head against it the entire time haha. And it took about five rewrites, which is two more than I usually do.

Thank god for Dez. I'm usually a pretty isolated writer? I ask for betas on big fics, but that's typically when I have a polished version or when 'm running up against a deadline. It's been really amazing to have someone to bounce fic ideas off of and to pass drafts back and forth with and just to complain when the struggle is getting especially real. I think I would've gotten really sick of this fic without Dez's help and enthusiasm. It probably wouldn't have gotten done at all. As it is, I'm really happy with how it all turned out :)

Some other little bits:

Allez means 'let's go' or 'go' and is also how you start each touch in a fencing bout if you're refereeing in the internation standard (ie French). English: on guard, ready, fence. French: en garde, pret, allez. It's also what French speakers will sometimes yell at a sabre fencer in between touches or while they're charging down the strip. I was thinking here that it's kind of fun to imagine Starscream and Wheeljack's friends shouting 'allez' at them, cheering them on but also hoping they'll get on with it already. Also, I kind of think of this fic as the beginning of a new set of fics - we're out of the main Megatron arc and into more slice of life stuff - so it felt appropriate as a new start to the bout.

When I originally conceived of the Attaque Composee series, I wanted it all to be T rated because I wanted it to be available to most readers and also if someone ever connects meatspace me with this series (a terrifying possibility) I don't really want the conversation to be 'hey I saw you wrote a robot fencing porn fic.' But I also REALLY wanted to write this story and I decided to just roll with it - it's easy to skip this one and read the rest of the series, and I've written plenty of other robot porn fics at this point.

Last thing: over nine fucking years ago I wrote a Scream of Shalka Doctor Who fic where the Master climbed over a table to yell at the Doctor, and my beta completely correctly pointed out that Shalka!Master isn't physically dramatic like that. I have a tendency toward overblown physical comedy and drama that I've had to rein in for years and it is SO RELAXING to be in a fandom where I can write Starscream standing on the berth, nearly falling over while shrieking at Wheeljack and everyone's reaction is 'yep. Yeah. He likes to be tall.'

Thank you for asking about this!!

[youngbloodseavey]

ghost of you // daniel seavey

summary: based on the song “ghost of you” by 5 seconds of summer. daniel reminisces on his relationship with y/n, remembering the good times before she left.

also idk if the reader is dead or just left daniel so imma leave that up to interpretation bc i feel like i’ve been posting too much deathy angst so yEs

request: none

pairing: daniel x female!reader

triggers: cursing, alcohol.

listen to the song here. i HIGHLY recommend listening to the whole album, it’s absolutely stellar in every single possible way and give my babes some love :)

italics is a FLASHBACK. normal text is real time.

||

here i am waking up, still can’t sleep on your side,

daniel rolled over in his bed, expecting to feel the sweet warmth of his girlfriend y/n. but instead of feeling her comfort, he instead felt the icy reality of cold sheets.

her perfume lingered on the pillow that laid next to his, the smell of her so prominent to his nose it was nauseating. it had been fifteen whole days since her precious head had laid on the pillow.

daniel sat up, taking in the reality that her side of the bed was empty. it had been over two weeks, why hasn’t his brain processed that she was gone?

why couldn’t he accept that y/n had left?

daniel laid back down on his side of the bed, closing his eyes in an attempt to sway the pain from his heart.

“good morning babe,” y/n’s eyes were bright, despite the fact that it was eight in the morning. she pressed a quick peck on daniel’s nose, giggling as his face scrunched up at the sensation.

“good morning baby,” daniel’s voice was raspy with sleep, propping himself up on his elbows so he could get a good look at his precious girlfriend.

her hair was wild from sleep, and her face was free of any makeup. and she looked as gorgeous as ever, sitting in front of him in all her glory. the sun shone on her, making her look like an angel in his eyes.

“c’mon babe, let’s get this day started,” y/n tugged on his hand, urging daniel to get up from bed. daniel resisted her grip, wanting nothing more than to flop back down into bed.

“no,” he dragged out the “o”, shaking from her grasp and burying himself back into the mattress. “i wanna go back to bed,” he pouted at his girlfriend, shooting her his best puppy-dog eyes.

“daniel, we have stuff to do today,” she reminded him, putting her hands on her hips.

“please baby, just ten more minutes,” his pout intensified, and y/n took a moment to think over his proposition.

“fine, but just ten minutes okay?” she sighed, flopping back onto the bed next to daniel. he cheered internally, wrapping his arms around y/n and pressing a soft kiss to y/n’s forehead.

“i love you daniel,” y/n mumbled closing her eyes and relaxing into daniel’s embrace.

“i love you too y/n.” daniel replied, taking a moment to look at the beautiful girl in his arms before closing his eyes.

daniel’s eyes shot open, the memory sending a shiver down his spine.

there’s your coffee cup, the lipstick stain fades with time,

daniel shook the fatigue from his limbs, eventually willing himself to get out of bed. he stumbled into the living room, surveying the mess of a room.

dishes, clothes, and bottles littered the floor, daniel having to kick some of the debris away to get through the space.

his azure eyes caught the familiar white gleam of her favorite coffee mug, the one with a picture of minnie mouse on it.

daniel stopped in his tracks, approaching the coffee table. he noticed the outline of pink lipstick on the brim of the mug, the stain in the perfect shape of y/n’s lips.

he gently picked up the ceramic cup and rotated it in his hands, his thumb carefully grazing over the minnie mouse logo. his mouth turned ever-so-slightly into a smile, remembering her excitement when he had gifted her the mug.

“baby! i have a present for you,” daniel’s voice rang out through the house as he entered, his hand gripping a plastic bag with the disney store logo emblazoned on it.

“babe, you know you don’t have to get me anything-” y/n walked in from the kitchen, her hands on her hips ready to give daniel a lecture on buying her unnecessary things when her eyes saw the disney bag in his grasp. “actually, you have something disney. i’ll allow this one slide,” she laughed, sitting down on the couch.

“i knew you’d want it, you can’t resist anything disney.” daniel let out a chuckled, settling himself down next to y/n. his arm reached into the bag, retrieving the minnie mouse mug that daniel had bought for her.

“i know you’ve been wanting this for a while,” he revealed the mug to her, y/n’s eyes instantly lighting up at the sight of the mug. “i hope you like it baby.”

“like it? i fucking love it!” y/n practically squealed, taking the mug from his hands and staring at the ceramic in awe. “thank you babe, i love you so so much.” she pulled daniel in for a kiss, pressing her lips to his.

“anything for you darling,” he smiled, pulling away from the kiss. y/n smiled back down at the cup, before standing up excitedly.

“i’m going to go wash this, i want to use it right away!” she exclaimed, rushing into the kitchen with her minnie mouse mug in hand. daniel laughed, leaning back into the couch as he watched the love of his life gush over a mug.

daniel set the cup back down, sighing as the imprint of your excited face made its way into his mind.

stop thinking of her daniel. stop.

if i can dream long enough, you'd tell me i'd be just fine. i'll be just fine.

his hands made their way to his hair, tugging at the chocolate-colored strands in frustration. he sat down onto the couch, sinking into the leather and wanting nothing more than for it to swallow him up whole.

he pulled at his hair so hard he thought they would uproot, squeezing his eyes closed in an attempt to shoo the thought of her.

“stop, stop, stop!” he yelled, shooting up from the couch and onto his feet. the familiar sting of tears set itself in daniel’s face, beginning to roll down his cheeks in bold streaks.

“daniel?” y/n’s voice was soft and laced with fatigue, her light footsteps padding towards a frustrated daniel. it was 3am, and daniel had been staying up all night slaving over a song he was working on for their third album.

“hm?” daniel barely acknowledged the presence of his girlfriend, instead going back to the guitar riff he just couldn’t seem to get right. he plucked out notes, the melody sounding amazing until he hit a wrong note. “goddamnit!” he threw his guitar onto the couch.

“babe, calm down,” y/n sat down next to daniel, placing her hand onto his shoulder.

“no! the deadline for this song is in three days, and if i don’t finish it management and the studio will have my ass!” daniel exclaimed, throwing his arms up in the air. he began to gather up his sheet music, rifling through the papers in desperation to find the right one. “i was the one who volunteered to finish the song, i can’t let the boys down. i need to finish this fucking song y/n,”  he said through gritted teeth, gripping onto the papers tightly.

“daniel, what you need right now is sleep. so put the sheet music down and come lay down, please,” y/n kept her voice soft, the sweet melody of her voice calming daniel in an instant.

“i just-” he set the sheet music back onto the coffee table. “i just can’t let them down. this album is so important and i have to get this done-” daniel rambled, picking his guitar back up and readying himself to play the same guitar riff for the thousandth time.

“the boys will understand that you didn’t finish it tonight,” y/n stopped daniel from playing his guitar, placing her hand on the strings. “you need sleep right now, you can work on it tomorrow.” she placed a delicate kiss on his knuckles.

“but-” daniel started, but was interrupted by y/n softly kissing his collarbone. “fine. but if this song doesn’t get finished then it’s your fault-” y/n let out a laugh at daniel’s statement.

“it’s fine. you’ll be fine. everything will be okay.”

you’ll be fine. you’ll be fine.

her voice repeated the words in his head like a mantra, daniel beginning to pace around the room in a frenzy.

everything will be okay. everything will be okay.

his legs felt weak, and he had to grab the arm of the sofa to stabilize himself.

so i drown it out like i always do, dancing through our house with the ghost of you,

daniel took a few deep breaths, feeling his head spin.

music. yeah, music always helps. daniel thought, stumbling his way to the stereo that was carefully placed in the corner of the room. his hands fumbled with the buttons for a few moments, before managing to turn it on.

the only noise that came out was static, so daniel fiddled with a few knobs before a familiar melody began to play.

“there goes my heart beating, ‘cause you are the reason,” the opening lyrics for calum scott’s “you are the reason” began to sound, leaving daniel speechless in his tracks.

this was y/n and daniel’s song.

“babe! come dance with me!” y/n’s excited voice sounded from the living room, beckoning daniel out to meet her. the brown-haired boy emerged from their bedroom, hearing the tune of y/n’s favorite calum scott song ringing through the room.

“fine, but just know i can’t slow dance,” daniel warned her, eliciting a laugh from the girl.

“i’ve seen how you smooth-step babe, i know you have some waltz in you,” she giggled, taking daniel by the hand and leading him to the center of the living room. “here, i’ll help you.” she placed one of daniel’s hands on her waist and took the other in hers, extending both their arms in a dancing position.

the soothing piano melody of the song made it’s way into their hearts, and y/n began to lead daniel in a waltz along with the melody.

“see! you’re getting it!” y/n exclaimed, seeing daniel’s confidence in the steps grow with each passing moment. he twirled y/n around, sending the both of them into a fit of laughter.

the two resumed their four-step dance, waltzing around the living room to the gentle beat of the song.

“you’re pretty good seavey,” y/n smiled up at her boyfriend, catching his eye.

“you’re not too bad yourself y/l/n.” he pulled her close, the two deciding to simply just sway to the song as it came to an end.

soon the last note of the song played, y/n and daniel continuing to sway in each other’s arms after the song had ended.

“you’re gorgeous, you know that right?” daniel mumbled quietly, moving his hand so it softly made her look up at him. y/n didn’t say anything for a moment or two, deciding to instead look up into his ocean-blue eyes.

“i love you.” she leaned up and pressed a soft kiss onto his lips, her hands going up to cup his cheeks. his hands made their way to the small of her back, pulling her closer so their chests were flush against each other.

after a few seconds she pulled away, her cheeks a rosy shade of pink as a bright smile painted her features. daniel pulled a stray strand of hair away from her face, his hand resting on her cheek.

“i love you t-”

“no! stop!” daniel hit the stereo, the technology being thrown off the table and crashing onto the floor. the audio crackled before going to static, and daniel knew in an instant that he had broken it.

and i chase it down, with a shot of truth,

“god-fucking-damnit,” daniel mumbled, looking at the mess he had just made. “i need a drink.” he made his way to the liquor cabinet in the kitchen, deciding on a simple bottle of jack daniels whiskey that jonah had gotten him for his 21st birthday.

daniel normally wasn’t a huge fan of alcohol, but in the past few weeks the liquid poison had become his best friend. they numbed his heart, freed his mind of the torturing thought of her.

he didn’t even bother grabbing a glass, instead opting to take a swig straight from the bottle. the bitter liquid burned the back of his throat, but he swallowed it and relished in the warmth that flourished in his stomach. he took another sip, stumbling his way back into the living room and collapsing onto the couch.

“why, why, why,” daniel mumbled to himself, taking a rather large gulp from the glass bottle in his hand. “why did you have to leave me.” more tears began to make their way down his face, leaving wet trails in their wake.

“why did you leave me!” he yelled, a fit of rage rushing through his body as his arms swept across the coffee table, sending everything crashing to the floor. including y/n’s minnie mouse mug, which was currently in pieces on the floor.

daniel’s eyes went wide as he realized what he had done. he got on his hands and knees while frantically gathering up the ceramic fragments, not caring if they sliced his hand open in the process.

“no, no, no, i’m so sorry y/n,” he mumbled, gathering the shards and carefully placing them onto table. his hands fumbled around, trying to fit pieces back together but to no avail. it was too far gone.

he yelled out in frustration, his hands going up to cover his face as more tears began to make their way down his rosied cheeks. he rubbed at his face, before his hands made their way up to his hair, beginning to pull on the strands once again.

his eye caught a flash of pink, daniel reaching out and picking up a fragment with an outline of pink lipstick still perfectly intact on it. he studied the piece for a moment, rolling it around in his palm as he reached for his jack daniels bottle and took another swig.

he looked up and saw the broken stereo lying on the floor, a tangle of broken parts and mangled wires. another reminder of his sweet y/n, gone in a fit of his own stupid anger.

“goddamnit daniel, look what you’ve done now.” he mumbled to himself, taking a large gulp of whiskey.

daniel closed his eyes and imagined y/n in front of him, just as if nothing had ever happened. just as it was when he was happy.

“i love you daniel.” her eyes.

“i love you daniel.” her smile.

“i love you daniel.” her touch.

“i love you daniel.” her voice.

the voice that haunted him with it’s sweet melody and angelic timbre, the voice that belonged to the single most important thing in his life.

“i love you too y/n.”

dancing through our house with the ghost of you.

||

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