#postings from the lab

[remsterden]

hey tsp fandom how do you guys feel about a field trip

[inbabylontheywept]

Soviet Birds.

The secret facility that I work in has holes in the ceiling. We don't know how to get them fixed.

We tried asking the government to fix it, once. We told them that the holes in the older parts of the facility had gotten large enough to fit birds through, and that birds were getting through, and that, perhaps, a Soviet Spy could fit through as well.

After all, it is well known that Soviet Spies and pigeons are approximately the same diameter.

Our hope was that that this vague and nonsensical threat would put a little fire under Uncle Sam's feet. If the fed couldn't be bothered to give a shit about the giant gaping holes in the roof of our facility, perhaps they could be persuaded to give a shit about... Soviet Spies.

This attempt at manipulation 100% blew up in our faces.

See, the government does not need to be persuaded to give a shit about Soviet Spies. It still wakes up most nights, drenched in cold sweat, terrified and confident that a Soviet Spy is hiding in their nightstand. If it sees a rock on the ground, it flips it over, pistol drawn, ready to shoot the Soviet Spy it fully expects to slither out from underneath. Which is to say: The government is crazy. So when we dropped those two words - inflitration risk - in the repair request, they came in guns-a-blazin'.

Does that mean that they fixed the roof? Of course not. Don't be stupid. No, instead of performing basic maintenance, they installed a state of the art alarm system throughout the facility - lasers, sonar, the works - and told us to always be on the guard. Because of the roof holes.

Then they left.

So now we had an extremely good alarm system... and birds. Which have combined in incredibly obvious and predictable ways to produce an unending fountain of problems.

For Example: About once a month, someone gets called in by the local airforce dispatch because AAAAAAAAAAA a Spy is in the Rad Lab! We're all gonna die! Except every time, it's a bird. And I get why we have to check, but every time, the dispatcher is panicked and the person going out has to be like listen, listen: It's a bird. It's always a bird. It's been a bird every month for the last fifteen years. It will be a bird next month. All this stress? Bad for your heart.

Second Example: Sometimes, birds get in while we're actually working. And when it's in the morning, you know, it's a nuisance, and it stops testing (we are not going to risk irradiating a bird) but it's not an all-hands-on-deck situation because it doesn't take ten hours to get a bird out. But surprisingly often, the bird gets in riiiiight at closing time, and in that situation, everyone goes feral because nobody can leave until the alarm is set, and we cannot set the alarm while the bird is there, because the bird would immediately trigger it and then we'd have to stay another 4 hours to confirm that it was not a Soviet Bird.

So in order to go home, everyone's top priority is Get That Bird. And we have a system for it.

Step 1: The test stands tend to be located in rooms with 30+ foot ceilings. We can't catch birds in places like that - so we have to lure the bird into the relatively low ceilinged (8 feet only) upper offices.

We do this by turning all the lights off in the test rooms, then putting floodlights by the exits. I don't know why this works - some kind of evolutionary brain fragment shared by both Bugs and Birds - but work it does. The birds almost always follow after the lights. From there, it’s just two guys moving the floodlight and a third guy to turn off the lights.

Step 2: Everyone else has been waiting for this step. There is this long stairway up from the basement level into the offices, and in the final stage, the floodlights are brought to the base of the stairwell to bring the bird up. At the top of the steps there will be a group of tennish people, waiting for the signal. The light guys will set up the final transfer, everyone will tense, and then, swish...a bird will flit up the stairs and into the offices.

It's like watching werewolves on a full moon. Before the bird cometh, we are engineers. Nerds. Pale and skinny things, trembling under the fluorescent lights. After the bird, we are beasts. Feral, gnawing things, glowing under the orange sunrise of the 70's halogen floodlights.

And like all beasts, we cannot help but give chase.

Step 3: The were-engineers begin the hunt. The goal at the start is not really to catch the bird - just exhaust it. So the pack simply does not relent. Because the stakes are going home on time, the group is basically given free reign to go anywhere in the building. If someone's door is open, and the bird goes inside, they're going to have to deal with ten sweaty panting maniacs leaping around their office. They don't get to say that they're busy, or remark on how all this movement is a terrible distraction. They are allowed to sit in silence during the chaos, and perhaps thank the war party for chasing the bird while they sat comfortably on their ass. This has been explained several times, and it will continue to be explained until cooperation is achieved.

Anyway.

The chase can go on for quite some time. Sometimes, the bird will get tired and find a crevice to hide in, where it can then be reached through standard cornered-bird catching techniques.

Other times, it will slow down enough that someone can actually yoink it out of the air. But this will go on until someone catches the bird and triggers Step 4.

Step 4: The Finale. This is the get-the-bird-out-of-the-building stage, and it requires someone to adopt a specific role: To Become the Sacrificial Vessel of Bird Removal.

This job is both coveted and feared. It's coveted, because holding a wild bird in one's hands is a precious thing. To feel how small, and fragile, and scared it is, only to free it from the building? That is what it's like to be a benevolent God. But the cost! Oh, the cost. The entire time the Vessel is in motion, the bird will be biting the hell out of their fingers. And I cannot emphasize enough just how painful bird bites are. Their entire face is a set of needle posed pliers, and they know tricks the even the cartels haven't figured out yet. So there's always a little hubbub about who shall be The Vessel while onlookers, stranded outside The Office of Bird Capture, can only look on. Quiet arguments and pleas are heard, little fragments of fear and pride and glory trickling out of room like the silver dust left behind in a bag of well shook quarters. The sound of concensus is silence, and the argument will go on until that's all that's left. And then, from the darkness of the final office, the chosen sacrifice will step forward: Hands gently cupped, tears streaming down their face, fingers trembling from the pain of the ongoing bird chomps.

And this scene is what organizes people. Not leadership, not truly. No one can think and coordinate a crowd while their fingers are being attacked with a combination nutcracker/ear piercer. But the crowd sees the suffering of their annointed, and it is driven to do everything poossible to make the process flow. People instinctively flair out, finding the fastest path outside. Doors are held open. Paths are cleared. Someone, somehow, always knows the way forward and can describe it to the sufferer. Left, left, forward. Corner closet. Yep, there's a hall in there. Forward. Two-hundred more feet man, you're doing great. Just hold it together a little longer. You're killing it.

Then the final door swings open, and the bird flees out into what remains of daylight. And yet, even here, the deed is not yet done. I cannot explain it in words, but the crowd that helped is never content until they can see and speak on the Bird Vessel's wounds. They all have to pull the fingers back and see what was given. Estimate the price: One day to get better - No, three - No, a week! Are you blind? Do you see that blood blister? -Yeah, that's not going away anytime soon - Damn, can you believe how feisty those things are? Like wolves without teeth.

(They cannot help but touch as they go. It has always been this way. Even Thomas was not content until he felt the wounds in Christ's hands.)

Only when the last of the helpers has seen, and commented, and commended, will the engineers scatter. It is their return from the underworld that announces to the sun living surface dwellers that they too can go home. (@somerunner tolja it needed to be a post.)

[bdoubleowo]

this post made me immediately pick up my tablet and start drawing

[remsterden]

I have no idea what happened!!!!!!!!!! ALSO THANK YOU FOR THE TAG!

tagging time: @sunnyd1n0 @nova-the-silly @gneepsgnarps

found a fun little personality test!

i am open tagging as always bc i wanna see everyone’s results!!!!!!

[chaotic-neutral-knitter]

planned obsolescence is definitely a thing but you should still learn basic ways to fix/take care of electronics, like swapping out batteries or doing a factory reset. I recently sold the roomba I got from my grandma (she didn't understand it and kept it in a box) like twelve years ago - it still works because I looked up how to swap out the battery when it started to fail after six years. I spent the last few weeks wondering if I needed a new smart watch because the one I won in a student fair raffle eight years ago was getting kind of glitchy - tried a factory reset and it works perfectly. I have a nine year old laptop that is still chugging along like it always has - every few years I purge all the files and programs I'm not using regularly and I think that helps. When the little pump in our cat water fountain stopped working I figured out how to take it apart and clean it and then it worked again. The other day I found the voice recorder I used for my college journalism work - it was still in great shape despite being in a cupboard for a decade because I took the AAA batteries out before I stored it, so nothing corroded and I can listen to my awkward college interviews if I want to.

the electronic devices in your life want to work, they want to be good at their jobs, you just have to give them a little help by letting them take a nap (shutdown) from time to time and cleaning them and not bricking their batteries.

[pomegranateteeth]

my fascination with the character has gone from blind lust to needing to dissect his psyche like a science experiment

[dear-ao3]

in these trying times i would like to offer a sincere and emphatic fuck you to everyone in my anatomy class who got the professor to change the day of our test from yesterday to today. do you know how hard it is to memorize the flow of blood in the heart while also staring down the election map

[remsterden]

WOAH thanks for the tag!! :-) hmmmmm well

1. Favorite Color: pinkish red

2. Last Song: Butcher Vanity by Vane Lily

3. Currently Reading: Good Omens (I read half of it and decided. I don’t know what’s happening so I’m just gonna restart)

4. Currently Watching: slmccl’s Mouthwashing play through (again. he’s awesome)

5. Currently Craving: fried tofu ❤️

6. Coffee or Tea?: I drink tea more but I like coffee as well :-)

tag time!! @sunnyd1n0 @nova-the-silly @unorchido @gneepsgnarps @axinasuit

GET TO KNOW YOUR MUTUALS!

Rules: answer and tag six people you want to know better

Thanks for thinking of/tagging me @thoughtslikeaminefield It’s been a pleasure interacting with you the past couple of days ❤️

1. Favourite colour: Teal

2. Last song: Save Tonight - Eagle Eye Cherry

3. Currently reading: Outlander Series (technically it’s collecting dust on my bookshelf because I mostly read fanfic…)

4. Currently watching: Single’s Inferno, Medium, and forever casually rewatching SPN

5. Currently craving: the bag of sweet chilli & sour cream chips I bought earlier (just waiting for kiddos to go to bed)

6. Coffee or tea: coffee! An iced latte any season.

@losers-clvb @middleearthislife @my-stories-vault @supernotnatural2005 @sorryitsmyfirstdayonearth @jollyhunter

[remsterden]

can you believe it Guys? The Stanley Parable: Ultra Deluxe anniversary! just a week away!

[louferrignojrofficial]

yeah so can we talk about that caption for a sec-

[remsterden]

waow! tagged!!!! six non-selfies okay I have a lot of those

have some trees, way truck, a playdough snake, and this guy who looks like he’s ready to brawl.

tags!!!: @nova-the-silly @blocksandthings

6 non-selfies + 7 tags

thanks for the tag @sunlaire and @mushd-room!! sorry i'm late 😅

tagging @kickbutts-singsongs @void-ptr @achillmango @chiefofboatwatsonstittymug @futuristicdoormats789 @tobiasbones @dialup-dragon

[solarsapphos]

PLEASEEE some more brokerlynn </3 i love them

🫡🫡

(cough the last one is from one of @patchodraws fics go read all of them cough they're epic cough)

[screamacrossthestars]

"So many discoveries, Bee. So many. I suppose my favorite was Earth, of all things. Long before humans walked its lands. Organic life was sparce, much of it being small crustaceans within shallow pools. Life forms were always the most exciting discoveries for me," Starscream purrs, the passion in his voice unmistakable. "I had never cared for humans... began to hate organics altogether. But, back when I was out there with Skyfire, they were just– amazing. Never mind the energon! I'm telling you, these creatures on Earth were smaller than the tip of my digit, Bee!"

The seeker rambles on and on, much like Bee. The more excited he got, the faster the words fell out of his vocalizer. His words were emphasized by passionate gestures, as if he were imagining his past findings in his servos again. More and more stories of discovery poured out of the mech as they made the journey back to the base, a seemingly endless amount...

[catocappuccino]

Hehe

[amatrudalab]

[devotion-disorder]

Oh man! I just discover your acc days ago and already love your oc's, both in design and personality, i'm obssesed! I hope some interaction don't come as rude~

1. Did you get inspired by some yandere character to create yours? Like yuno gasai? Lol

2. Which one is your favorite oc and why?

3. You think your oc's would like you in real life? Lolol

4. How would Killian and Kuuya react if their beloved vict- i mean, crush, just randomly star to grope and touch their chest?

That's all for now! :D

no worries its not rude at all! im happy you like my silly guys :DD

1. I'm not sure if theyre inspired by any specific characters when i made them! I think the idea for each chara (both personality + visuals wise) all start off as a combination of tropes i liked. I do consume a lot of yandere stuff in the form of drama cds so those may have rubbed off on me somewhere in the process :0

2. i’ll have you know that i love and cherish all of my children equally, as they are created equally cough maybe killian by a little bit cough. i know i draw some of them more often than others but thats mostly because some are inherently easier to draw LOL... like, i don't draw killian much because im still iffy on his outfit...

3. hmmm i think id be too intimidated to approach most of them in the first place LMAO maybe id get along with Asa. Id buy his handicrafts. Killian and Yuri scare me. If kuuya and i were co-workers we’d be in that awkward acquaintance stage where if we saw each other on the streets we wouldnt know if we should greet each other or not so we nervously walk past praying that we didn't get seen. i would like to give mr narwhal man some pets but id probably get impaled (in a bad way).

4. Killian wouldnt mind it and would be curious. He’s happy you find his body alluring enough to do something so lewd. but now he sees it as fair game to do the same to you, so be prepared for guerilla titty attacks. he doesn't play fair either - burying his face into your neck and licking your ears while his hands busy themselves. Kuuya is so so so embarrassed and might beg you to stop if you were in a public place. Its just for show though, cause he’s overjoyed to be receiving any form of affection from you. His chest is not particularly sensitive right now, but keep this up and he can probably learn to cum hands-free.