#ppl only sent me asks to ask about something i rambled in the tags and im just

[hexados-on-a-string]

please PLEASE dont spam my dms. esp if its abt polls that could cause like fandom drama or something of the sort. there were no rules before when it came to dms and asks but this is the one (1) boundary i am now putting in place. its better for me and its also better for u bc i will start lying to get out of an uncomfortable situation like that and i dont think ppl like it when they get lied to. probably. taking a wild guess here.

dont get me wrong i love dms, i love asks even more, i love talking to people, but god bless i have autism i can only handle masking so much and this is supposed to be a safe space for me, i am terrified of fandom drama, do NOT put me in a situation. thank you.

[youareunbearable]

like nerd

Lmao no yeah I got that but like... the context for the ask in the first place? You asked if thats anything and i felt like i missed what brought the question forward in the first place. Was it in response to something I posted or like "this would be funny" cause like if its the last one im soooooo sorry sometimes social cues just go right over my head and as I never get asks unless its in response to something I posted and never like, for fun, so I like i might have ruined this whole interaction sorry😅😅

[rage-against-the-dying-of-light]

hi there big fan. id say first time writer but i think this is my second ask ive sent you actually. i was meaning to ask how you wind up participating in so many zines! it seems like every time i catch one taking applications it's something i'm just not a fit for, and the ones that i WOULD fit right in with always manage to pass me by. is it just a matter of knowing people? tracking certain tags? luck? genuinely asking because i'd love to take part in something like that and i always see you in so many! ok thats my ask. thanks for writing sooo good i love to read it. sparkle on

Hey Musashi, thanks for the ask, nice to see you in my ask box again.

Anyways, getting into zines! Well, for Ace Attorney getting my start was luck, I didn't even know what a zine was until a new friend told me and some others in our private server that they were in an AA zine and pre-orders had just opened, and so I rushed to support them. I won't ramble your ear off with the whole damn story, but eventually I found the @ aafancalendar which reblogs pretty much every AA event that could be going on. Not every fandom has it's own dedicated calender, but that one is fantastic!

In terms of getting into zines? Most zines have a blind submission process, so I am pleased to say I got into them via skill. But in terms of knowing ppl? That usually helps for running a zine.

Running a zine is a lot of work, but mods also get to be in their own zine, it's kind of a mod privileges thing. So that can be a place where knowing ppl helps, bc if you've shown you're a great mod, they might ask for your help on future projects. But there are still lots of opportunities to get into modding (many zines invite intern mods to learn the ropes!), and you can always just be head mod yourself too, (that's another story for another time). I’m also just autistic af and cold called ppl in the fandom who I admired and wanted to work with and who had worked on other zines. Your mileage may vary, but there’s no harm in asking, just make sure you’re fine taking no for an answer.

That's about how I got into half the zines I'm in, is I'm helping run them. But part of it is just persistence and not counting yourself out before you even apply. I want to get traditionally published too, so been trying the magazine scene, so I already had 1 years worth of magazine rejections under my belt, but even still, it does still hurt to get rejected even from zines, but you have to be persistent. I think I'm at a 50/50 acception to rejection rate when it comes to getting into zines. Sometimes, even if you're skilled, your prose style or whatever just doesn't vibe with the zine mods and that's not a reflection of your skill.

The short of it: put your best works forward and apply to everything you’re interested in.

I'll also leave you with some more resources. So in terms of finding zines from other fandoms, the best resource I've found is @ ZineTown on Twitter. (I know we might not like Twitter, but they're incredibly professional, active and a huge community, extremely worth following.) I'd also suggest joining their Discord channel, bc it is not only great to find zines to contribute to, a ton of mods there also post looking for mods to help out and you can choose to get pinged for specific fandoms, or specific mod roles.

Also if you're into Genshin Impact at all, just from casual observation, they have a bonker yonkers amount of zines, so good time to be a Genshin zine fan.

Sorry this was so rambly, but I hope it helped!

tl;dr: Follow aafancalendar and ZineTown, apply for literally everything. Make sure to have a private friends server to build you back up after rejections (they will happen, sometimes zines have to reject even highly skilled ppl just for numbers reasons). Crying is allowed and encouraged, make sure to have snacks for either celebration or comfort after rejection.

[hpdgirlfriend]

🥘: also about ur tags i saw on ur answer to the recent ask i sent… yeah that’s pretty familiar to me😭😭😭 (even if it’s off topic) i remember dramatizing a bunch of stuff as a kid and making up the stories’ intensity just to get ppl’s reactions… and then i just Do Not thinks abt it bc i just go… Hm… perhaps I Will Not talk abt it. Maybe

(rambly here, feel free to delete if anything i say bothers u, don’t worry)

also also. it sucks there isn’t a lot of resources to even like talk abt this and my own experiences, bc at the surface it’s only for attention seeking!! but it’s not at all like that. like i desperately just. Want connection and also not for people to leave me, and that also has me like… change what im into / what i like… kind of often, and it just makes me want to punch myself so much; even putting the symptoms into easier terms makes it feels like… Ok Yeah I’m not normal!!!

i often feel like im faking things, but yknow? it just generally sucks bc i won’t be believed! even if im w/ ppl im comfy w/ and see them as friends, I feel like im just deceiving them and being a huuge imposter lol. while im trying to more or less accept that im… not really that great at the whole acceptance thing for myself, i think learning and seeing how much me and other ppl’s experiences overlap in some ways helps me out so so much lol!!! like!! I’m not alone in that sort of feeling if that makes any sense

anyways i hope however u r doing, hope ur doing ok :)!!! cheering u on

omg yeah yeah i mostly didn't realize i could make things up as a kid but i used to just like.. say something and then be like omg u will Never figure it out :3 n then no one cared so i would give clues or just say it so they would pay attention to me and i'd get a reaction..... but i wanted them to be so invested in me they would detective it :/ smh i had to do everything myself . actually i still do this EHEJKFMD & yeah i totally get all of that! :( it's really hard. i actually made this blog mostly to see if people would relate so i could have that connection & feel like i'm not alone... i rlly enjoy when people leave tags expressing in some way that they feel the same or they get it..! it's also bcuz you know like attention haha but the whole thing attention boils down to is wanting to feel valued and loved and connection w people anyways & thank you!!! i hope you're doing good too :-) ♡♡♡♡♡ may u have a day filled w happiness & warmth & people u love complimenting you

[lanshappycorner]

I hope that when ppl view my account and talk to me online, they view me as just another person with feelings and thoughts, and acknowledge that I am no better or less than anyone else just because of things like follower count or the fact that I create art. I hope that people know that my opinions change and that I am as capable of making mistakes as anyone else and I sincerely hope that everyone takes all my advice and opinions with a grain of salt because in this vast expansion hellhole we call earth, I am just another person with no real importance and I am no one to tell you how to live your life, and you owe it to no one listen to me or like me or even care about me

[carbootsoul]

fic recs? ive been combing out my locs for 3 hours and im So Bored,,.,.,

hell YEAH i have so many since i uh have been reading soo much fanfiction over quarantine lol and have also been reading ace attorney fic since like 5th grade or something equally stupid. like i am running out. (also thank u for the excuse to reread my favorite fics sjdklfjs i have to make sure they’re as good as i remember before recommending them to u 🥺). sorry this is a little late i finally convinced my little brother to watch sk8 with me lol

anyway leo’s fanfiction recs!! these aren’t in any particular order (technically they’re in chronological order of when i read them i guess) and most of them r going to be ace attorney but i think i’ve got two or three mp100 fics too!! i just didn’t have as many mob psycho fics bookmarked which is bothering me since i know i’ve read a lot of really good serirei fics i just didn’t save them everywhere.. if i send u an ask later with just links to a few that’s why.

gravity- (ace attorney, klapollo, rated e) if u haven’t read gravity yet.. i mean valid but i reread this one last night and it is just as good as i remember.. this is a weird thing to say about a klapollo fanfiction (and the klapollo is VERY GOOD) but i am obsessed with how miles and phoenix r characterized in this it’s such a fun perspective on their characters oh my god. there are a few points in this fic where i had to like. stop and look away because i was so excited about how it was written lol. there’s a second part to this fic that’s a mini wrightworth scene and it makes me go actually insane

the same thing, self aware- (ace attorney, wrightworth, rated m) cw past alcoholism. one of my top 3 ace attorney fanfics honestly 🥺 the premise is that phoenix and miles broke up when phoenix adopted trucy and they decide to spend a weekend together when miles gets back to san francisco (latter half of the 7 year gap) and GOD. it’s p angsty but has a happy ending and is also like. such an interesting look at their characters. also this:

“Well, fuck, Miles, why did you even ask me here?” Miles says into the kitchen sink, “Because you used to be my best friend.”

forty years in the wilderness- (ace attorney, wrightworth, rated t) classic post aj fic about edgeworth’s return to the states. i think most ppl have read this one but like. for good reason. sometimes i talk to my friend leo while i read fics and send them my favorite parts and i swear i sent them like 3/4ths of this fic. it’s just SO sweet and in character and i love it

to go another day- (ace attorney, wrightworth, rated t) god this fic is STUPID fluffy and rly short but it lives in my head rent free. horrifyingly in character and im obsessed with it

what we make- (mp100, reigen & tome, rated t) it’s been a while since i read this but im weak for any content about tome and reigen since like.. i’m obsessed with how similar they are.. the same kind of obnoxious gay. also the background serirei is rly sweet 🥺🥺

all there is- (ace attorney, wrightworth & past krisnix, rated e) cw for dubcon, dissociation during sex, and alcoholism. this is probably the angstiest fic on this list and deals with a lot of heavy topics but it’s really well written. the summary says ‘phoenix and kristoph during the seven year gap, phoenix and miles after it’ and yeah basically. 

catch me i’m falling- (mob psycho, terumob, rated g) college aus.. pining teru.... other ppl having crushes on mob (as they should).. fluff... shou being mean to teru... thank u

wilst du mich heiraten?- (ace attorney, wrightworth, rated t) HI THIS IS QUITE POSSIBLY MY FAVORITE FANFICTION EVER oh my GOD its so tender and good and the found family of it all. miles calling phoenix darling/sweetheart is my favorite hc. it’s told in two parts- one from phoenix’s pov before his disbarrment and one from apollo’s after everything with kristoph- and i just. seriously read this one it makes me so very happy. everything by the author is also good- my other personal favorites are love most definitely requited (the only hanahaki fic i’ve ever enjoyed) and reading between the lines (the original trilogy from miles’s pov). 

surrender on no sides- (mob psycho, character driven/ritshou, rated m for drug use, violence, and psychological abuse) tw for a lot of things- i’d advise looking at the tags. ok when i said all there is is the angstiest fic i was lying because i forgot about this one. uhh frankly don’t read it if you’re at all worried about any of the tags because this is VERY intense. the premise is that ritsu is the one who goes into mogami’s fucked up head land instead of mob (& mogami’s world is worse than canonically) and things just go downhill from there. i think about this fic on a weekly basis tho

this got LONG i didn’t realize how many favorite fics i had until i was listing them. thank u for asking tho!! i get really excited about things i’m into so it’s fun to get to ramble about them lol. i hope u enjoy these (and that you haven’t read all of them already lol)

[dexaroth]

◈ Dex/dexa ◈ he/they ◈ 20's ◈ genderfluid aroace ◈

Personal blog! Keep in mind I'm an adult and I post about adult themes and some other potentially triggering stuff.

You can check out all my art here, on my website, or some of it in the #myart, #sketches and #wips tags! I'm also on Sheezy!

My commissions are also OPEN!

Feel free to send asks or tag me in things, I love interacting with ppl! (also don't be afraid to let me know if I acted poorly or did something wrong!)

@mist-engine is my rain world sideblog, and @dexaroth-art compiled my art but it's unmantained as of now since so few people follow it.

Please don't put my full username as a solo tag of asks I've sent! thx

Read more for my full DNI list and tagging system!

zooph-les/b-byfurs, p-dos/“maps”, c-ristian/cath-lic/cult-sts, t-rfs/radf-ms, lgbt+/queer-phobes, n-zis, f-scists, n-s-f-w/k-nk/f-tish accs, r-cists/anti blm/acab, dsmp fans and related others will be shot on sight :) (I also block freely.)

Do not trace/copy/reuse/repurpose/repost/redistribute my art without consent and do not feed it to AI generators nor use my name on them. Don’t do anything to my work that you wouldn’t like done to yours.

#ch:x - X is the name of the character. anything that contains them goes here.

#ref - useful stuff for reference - guides, tutorials, warnings, websites, etc. usually has sub-tags like #games, #web, #health, art and some others

#save - similar to ref, stuff meant as a 'read later' bookmark of sorts. contains stuff like some psa's and studies for example

#res - resources. mostly graphics for websites or something I plan to use in the future (I always credit my sources)

#dextxt - text posts I've written. not everything is here, only stuff that'd be useful for searching (aka not posts where i complain that i hate how my art looks or whatever)

#wips - works in progress. generally rambling about them

#fav and #favart - y'know

[staroflightning]

I haves,,,,,,, a few😅 3,4,5,6,11, and 20?💖

Thank you so much for the ask!!! 🥰 sorry it took me a bit to answer it!!

3. 3 songs that mean something to you

Oh god, only three? Uh. “Talk To Me” by Cavetown, “Secret For The Mad” by Dodie, and “Here Comes A Thought” from Steven Universe.

4. 3 topics you’d like to learn more about

Psychology is the first that comes to mind. I’m pretty interested in psychology and I’d love to learn more about it. And I love analyzing the psychology behind fictional characters. Other than that, uh... I know there’s more topics that I’m interested in learning about, but my mind is blanking right now.

5. 3 colors to paint your room

Right now my room is like a dark beige / light brown color, but tbh I’d love to paint my room a deep blue or purple color.

6. 3 characters that inspire you

First one that comes to mind is Beth Chapel from Stargirl. I see her as neurodivergent-coded, whether or not that was intentional, and I think a lot of neurodivergent people can relate to her. She has a hard time making friends because her peers think she’s annoying because of her tendency to ramble / talk a lot, and ppl will sometimes be rlly rude to her but she never lets it bring her down. She’s so sunshiney and positive and happy, because she chooses not to let the rude comments get to her and just??? truly inspiring, I love her so much. There are other characters I could name and ik the ask called for three characters but this is already long enough so I’m just gonna move on

11. 3 books you would recommend everyone to read

Uh I’m blanking on books, so I’m going to recommend fanfic authors instead. @shakesqueer-writes (yes ik you sent me this ask but I’m tagging you for the shout-out), @thatkillervibe and @mosylufanfic are all great fic writers. also @psycho-crazy-pineapples, I haven’t gotten a chance to fully read her fics yet but I skimmed over her platonic Rick and Yolanda one shot and it was tooth-rottingly sweet (I’ll reblog it once I get a chance to fully read over it, I promise! and I can’t wait to read your other fics!)

20. 3 adjectives that you’d use to describe yourself

Gay, gay, and gay-

[patchdotexe]

So, I have a character who is a system, and I wanted to know before I develop them further, how does DID work, from a personal account? I really really really don't want to accidentally create yet another TOXIC misinterpretation of a real condition (because I know how horrible that can feel), and I hope I'm not saying anything wrong even now. (P.S. I love your blog, but I'm too shy to come off anon.)

hey anon!! it means a LOT to me that you sent this message :D theres a lot of really messy-bad potrayals of DID in the media so seeing people actually going to the effort of asking systems abt their experiences is really heartwarming for us. (plus the fact that ppl keep asking us in specific abt system stuff omg,,)

im gonna preface this by saying that, in the end, i can only really talk about my own experiences with full confidence. systems can work pretty differently from each other, but this is how we function and also some details ive noticed from system friends + general discussion over the years

so, to start off: Dissociative Identity Disorder is, at its core, your brain trying to respond to trauma in a pretty severe way. that being said there ARE systems that didnt experience severe trauma and still developed, and im not really sure about the mechanics behind that but i find it really cool and it totally exists. im gonna focus on trauma-based systems bc that’s our ~tragic backstory~ and also tends to be what most people opt for when creating system characters anyway, but the only real difference from what i can tell is, uh, a lack of trauma.

I HOPE YOU’RE READY FOR ME TO SAY THE WORD “TRAUMA” A WHOLE LOT JFC

(system friends are welcome to reblog with corrections or added info!!)

anyway. the way your brain responds to things is really weird. if something happens where you’re just, like, completely unable to handle it, like you dissociate yourself so hard because there’s no way you can manage this, your brain has a chance of going “uh… well, fuck, uh” and generating somebody who can manage it. or it might decide to be a dick and take all of the fucky internalized garbage and turn it into a person whose sole existence is to be an asshole. (they have the potential to get better, i think… ours didnt.) honestly theres a bunch of reasons and a bunch of “roles” that could lead to an alter/headmate* forming.

* we use the terms interchangeably depending on mood and whos fronting. i think its supposed to be “alter” is DID, “headmate” is implication that theyre non-traumatic? we like using “headmate” because it brings this fun mental image of us being a bunch of roommates constantly starting shit with each other and goofing off which is pretty accurate about 75% of the time

i keep getting distracted bc my cat is here. this is gonna be fun to go back and edit.

whatever the original situation is, you’re suddenly not alone in your own brain. and it’s REALLY WEIRD. communication was VERY hard. Icarus, our system original, used to do a very “cliche” thing of sharing a journal with their early headmates, where theyd write a sentence and then theyd write a reply (although back then they didnt realize that was a system-related thing and just thought they were having a fun conversation with their ocs. which… they were, just. Actually Talking.) they didnt have any inward perception of themself or their headmates either, so that kinda built up over time (with some help) along with the appearance of our headspace so that there was… actually a location for people to interact in. once they had a better awareness of things, mental communication got a bit easier– its sort of like background chatter really, when everybody’s awake. sometimes i get weird out of context things from Mae yelling at somebody, or sometimes ill be talking to a friend and someone’ll butt in.

when talking out loud, this usually leads to us suddenly stopping and then laughing or going “no!!!”. when on discord and around people who know who we are… well.

speaking of Mae, she’s pretty much my sister. not like… biologically? because i don’t think thats possible for me, but shes kinda literally my “other half” which ill get into later. headmates can have strong attachments to other alters! friends, best friends, family, dating, whatever. they can also do that with people outside the system, and itll be different for each headmate. there’s like 4 people dating Jorb but i just see him as one of my best friends. we’re people and we have complex social interactions that can get to be kind of a nightmare when you’re around a bunch of people who don’t know that you’re Not Leo and that youre suddenly not super up to existing around people in general.

plus even if like… so Jorb’s dating 4 of us like i said, but his relationship w/ each of them is different? Ica is very clingy and likes rambling to him, Summer’s pretty much just always happy to hang out, Mae makes fun of him a lot but in a loving way, and Leo is… kinda “all of the above” because that’s his gimmick. plus even tho a few other alters have a sibling-ish relationship with Mae like i do, usually its just me and Mae that do the “chaos siblings” bit.

the basic system.. thing… is that there’s “front”, which is being in control of the body– so, like, i’m currently fronting/in front, because im the one currently active and using our computer and staring at our cat.– and then theres the headspace, where everybody hangs out when theyre not in front. the headspace itself can differ in style & functionality for each system, and i think theres some systems that dont really have a location at all? but for us its like a full on location where we have individual rooms, places to visit if we get bored while away from front, etc.

theres also like, being at/near/away from front? so currently im in front, but Leo is pretty much always lurking nearby if he’s awake (we have individual sleep schedules that dont always sync up to the “irl” one, Trust is almost always sleeping), Ica’s somewhat in the back talking to Rookie so i cant really make out what theyre saying (its probably about either a youtube thing they both like or about a comic they want to do), and everyone else is either asleep (in which case they could be nearby but i cant currently “ping” them, so id have to actually take a sec to ground myself in headspace more) or in a different room. communication is easier if im in front and somebody is nearby, or it can be like with Ica rn where im like “well, theyre talking, but i have no idea what theyre saying and am making a guess based off their usual interactions”, or i could pass off front to go talk to Ica and come back (in which case my memory would be kind of vague and weird because information doesnt always properly translate), oooor i could actually go bug them while still in front. which.. im not gonna do rn bc then id get super distracted.

switching front differs between systems a lot! and even varies from day to day. like there are days where we wake up and we have absolutely no idea who we are bc we went to bed as one person and woke up as another. or we could be talking to somebody and then realize “wait, i stopped being Leo a bit ago, who am i”. or we could pass off front to somebody, like if Summer really wanted to front sie’d run up to me and let me know and we’d swap. or if something critical happens (usually a breakdown), Leo or one of the other headmates that’re more built to handle stressful situations will literally drag somebody out of front to make sure they dont hurt themself. or sometimes we throw front at people unexpectedly, like either mid-breakdown where we go “okay i dont wanna be here anymore, tag youre it” or sometimes because we think its funny because its the metaphysical equivalent of getting clonked in the head with a dodgeball, except the dodgeball is “being in control of our shared physical form”. usually mae’s the one that does that lmao

there’s a couple major categories of how alters come about. there’s “walk-ins”, where they kinda just… appear externally? like they just show up. sometimes we get a feeling of “huh. i think somebody might be here? or somebody might be showing up soon.” and have to rummage around for a while until they approach us or we find them. our walk-ins aren’t like, inherently aware of system stuff at first, so they usually get a crash course before they first front (if they choose to front at all) and it can be kinda entertaining. Rookie’s a walk-in! also Hiro, from a couple years ago. most of our walk-ins are fictives (fictional characters, usually appearing in response to us getting extremely attached to something or somebody) but a couple of our trauma splits are also fictives so that’s not like, a Rule or anything. i think these are mostly associated with non-traumatic systems but we get em fairly often so man idk

theres also… uh, i dunno what theyre actually called? we used to call them “constructs” but that sounds kind of mean. these alters exist to fill a specific role! and we usually dont talk about them on here with the exception of one major one, they just kinda hang out. Dhe exists to keep the system stable and manages the “backend” so to speak. Imp is kind of a mix of our intrusive & impulsive thoughts that came about from us trying to separate ourself from them so that we had an imaginary entity to go “nope!” at, which… stopped being imaginary, and is now a gremlin that lives in my brain. they can show up in response to trauma but arent split off of somebody, they kinda just pop into existence to help manage things.

the more… well-known, i guess? alter origin is “trauma splits”. rather than “just showing up one day with no real connection to the system origins”, trauma splits are formed when somebody in-system, uh, splits. it could be in response to a single situation or something built up over a long time, but somebody just kinda breaks and somebody new that has a bit of the original alter’s identity (if kinda influenced by the situation) shows up.

this can vary. All is a trauma split off of Leo himself, who got saddled with all of our brain hell about our ex and their insystem appearance is influenced more by eir than by leo which is… something they struggle with. Mae has a trauma split from a similar situation that is “Mae but from 2 years ago”, so basically her old identity before she reworked herself after getting put through total hell. and then uh… then there’s me and Mae! Icarus quite literally exploded into several people, with Pat (me) and Mae being the most distinct ones. we’re STILL finding out alters used to originally be a part of them that later evolved into their own people, like Summer and Toby. my identity is shaped pretty heavily not just by who Ica was at time of splitting, but also what they wanted to be jumbled together with trying to rationalize what was happening to them (they’re a pretty big fan of megaman star force, which has a media-typical system in it, so they leaned into hard “its like pat and rey from mmsf! i like pat, i wouldnt mind being like pat, its scary but im like one of my current favourite characters” and so i ended up being like, half-weird shapeshifter, half-green-haired prettyboy. and yeah thats where my name comes from!)

(Ica got put back together w/o anybody needing to integrate, which we were all very scared about, and it’s still kind of surreal to me because… me and Mae used to be able to stick ourself back together and thats how we found out about what happened to Ica in the first place? and we havent tried that since bc we have no idea what would happen. Ica 2: Ica Harder?)

despite their origins, trauma splits can be way more than… being a split. :V;; Toby’s not just a tiny splinter of Ica, he’s a quiet guy that gets stressed out and isn’t totally sure how to interact with people. i’ve existed for like 7 years at minimum and im a totally different person than i was when i thought i was still Ica, ‘cause ive had time to grow and change (and a problem Ica keeps running into now that theyre back is… they kinda Didn’t change because they were MIA for 6 years.) like everything else though this is variable– there can be “temporary” splits that dont develop properly and might get integrated back in, which has only happened to us when we were at the lowest point in our life where we were stuck constantly splitting to try and cope with whatever the hell was going on.

so Ica was gone for 6 years, which meant our system was without an original or main– there wasn’t anybody to be head of the system, basically. for a while i was operating under the assumption that i was Ica, so i filled in that role for a few years before i made the realization. eventually i kinda… stopped being able to, though, bc of stability issues, and then we were back to not really having a proper main anymore. to make up for it, we started going by Leo collectively and kinda… trying to pretend to be a single person? and so that ended up creating a construct to fill the role of “system main and the person we pretend to be when passing as singlet/not a system”: Leo himself! he’s kinda the most prominent traits we all have in common rolled into a single guy, which means that not only is he a pretty good system representative but we can also pretend to be him pretty easily (unless it’s someone like Toby who acts totally different). i dont know how common this situation is, i think normally it’s just “if system original is gone, another alter steps up” like originally happened to us before i had a severe case of problems disorder.

uhhh this is very rambley bc there’s a Lot to cover and now im trying to figure out how much of it i HAVE covered. systems are complicated and weird! OH WAIT okay i have one last bit.

so like, for us, first realizing we were a system was total hell. we fought a lot. as more alters showed up through various means, there were times where Ica felt like they were completely out of control of their own life bc of having to manage everything. there were a lot of panic attacks of people fronting and not being sure they were even REAL, despite… being in front. but we still felt like we were deluding ourself. this was in, like, late 2011, so systems weren’t a THING. they were a very fringe community that everyone hated. we got constantly harassed, which only fed into Ica’s panic hell and our identity issues. interpersonal relationships became a nightmare, especially because we have BPD as well which varies in severity for each of us but… for me it’s pretty bad! there were times early on where every day was another fun new breakdown from us arguing with each other or our friends or not being understood or… etc.

so… how are we holding up ~7 and a half years later? pretty well, actually! we talk to each other. we do things for each other, like buy food or games we know specific headmates like. Ica is back and way happier than they were in 2011, and is thrilled to get to hang out with everybody that’s showed up since. we help each other through problems, because at the end of the day our system ended up being a support network. Ica couldnt function on their own, so we’re like… 10+ people working together to try and be a single functional person. and we feel pretty okay with that! we still fight, and we still start shit, but we’re not in constant crisis anymore. we’re still working through all of our trauma, especially the more “recent” stuff that kinda broke our system for a while until we were able to start rebuilding, but we’re doing it together. :D

so… yeah, it can start out as a stereotypical “nightmare system”, with constant infighting and toxicity and self-sabotage and etc. but we worked through it! it took a while, but we’re overall more stable than we were before. we got out of the bad environment that was fucking us up, we got mental help for our other brain hell (we havent been able to bring up the system to our therapists bc its literally a non-issue now and we focus more on other things like our depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc), we found people that support us for being us, and we were able to like… figure things out. and it was a mess! i still have issues about my own identity because of literally thinking i was someone else for two years. Ica’s still trying to figure out how to adjust to things, especially bc they missed our entire “cringe culture” phase so they came back to find that i’d dismantled a lot of their middle-school settings. and, uh, some of their friendships as well.

systems are fuckin weird

[closetcasefabray]

i was just thinking about cophine getting high together & then imagined modern day clexa doing the same & omg a whole headcanon is now exploding out my brain. so here’s this not-a-fic.

so clarke would have tried weed in hs & she would get high once in a while, but she was a good student & pretty popular so her parents never really saw any change. & one time jake catches her coming in late & he can totally tell she’s high & he’s just like “we’ll talk in the morning.” when he does, he doesn’t tell abby but just tells clarke not to drive high & recommends against smoking bc lungs are important. & he ends it with “i trust you kiddo. you can make your own decisions. im proud of you for being you.” bc he’s jake & he loves her so much (& also thinks marijuana should be legal & regulated).

so clarke is at university (i normally imagine them at UMD just bc Polis & TonDC are Maryland/DC references) & she’s roommates with raven, & the two of them like going to the roof of one of the campus science buildings & smoking bc sometimes the professors leave telescopes on the roof for labs. raven gets medicinal marijuana & explained that her parents knew she already smoked so they wanted her to do it legally & “the leg thing just helped expedite the process.” so they smoke pretty regularly. (eventually raven tells clarke that she was in an accident when she was with her boyfriend, finn, on his motorcycle.)

clarke meets octavia in her math class & they both hate it but numbers come easier for clarke than O so clarke essentially carries O through that class despite paying zero attention in class. O is on the track team, so she doesn’t smoke but hangs out with clarke & raven on the roof.

lexa is a sophomore but really ahead & could easily graduate early. but she’s double majoring in political science & psychology with a minor in world literature. clarke has dyslexia & while she does know various strategies to read & study well, she devotes most her energy toward her pre-med materials. that unfortunately affects the quality of her weekly papers for her english lit gen ed class. so she goes to the writing center where of course lexa works.

& clarke is pretty intimidated bc lexa is dressed for the career fair the first time she meets her & just looks like she has all her shit together. when lexa asks her what she should focus on for critiques, clarke just says “everything.” & lexa does that small smile & clarke is just like “wHAT IS THIS FEELING????”

even though lexa rips her paper apart it was fine bc clarke could watch her hands move across paper all day. one day clarke asks if she wants to go to the food court since lexa gets out at the same time. so they do & they end up talking & clarke ends up confessing she has dyslexia & lexa encourages her to go to the student disability services office so a formal letter could be sent to the professor, but clarke says how it shouldn’t be an excuse. & lexa is like super serious & respects clarke’s choice but also says, “it’s not an excuse if you do go. it’s about being honest with yourself & the professor. you’re fully capable of doing great work, & dyslexia isn’t a reflection of your intelligence, but just letting your professor know may help form a more effective curriculum.” they exchange numbers & the next day, clarke sends her a thank you text bc she went to student services & her lit professor’s office hours & they decided on bi-weekly 3pg papers instead of the weekly 2 pg papers.

then clarke eventually asks her out as they leave the writing center one night & lexa has to ask, “like a date?” & clarke mildly panics but lexa explains “i have a girlfriend.” costia, who is this really wonderful art history major & photographer back home in PA & attending Penn State, who she met through a summer internship before lexa’s first year in university. but lexa thinks they’d make good friends & clarke refuses to be a douche who broods in the “friend zone.”

lexa doesn’t go to parties, but she drinks occasionally. so clarke invites her to the roof with O & Raven & they end up drinking two giant bottles of cheap wine. when lexa admits she’s never smoked weed, it becomes raven’s mission to get lexa high, mostly bc lexa is so serious & she wants to see what she would happen. but lexa passes on the weed & is grateful bc clarke smoked & got the spins & puked off the side of the roof.

another time, raven gets a few edibles & splits them with her friends so she, O & Lincoln (OT/PT major, junior, also on track) are playing frisbee on the quad while super high & clarke is drawing & sitting bc physical exertion is so not her style, esp when stoned. & lexa gets out of class & sees clarke so she joins her. & when clarke looks up & sees lexa approaching, she gets the biggest cheesiest smile bc it’s lexa & its one of the few remaining warm days of fall so she’s in a knee-length dress & just looks stunning. she sits down & lifts up clarke’s sunglasses & laughs & asks “how high are you rn?” clarke just giggles–something she only does high–& replies “very.” & lexa just grins & pokes clarke’s cheek & says “i can tell bc your dimples. you have them the entire time bc you can’t stop smiling.” & clarke just replies “or maybe i’m just happy to see you.” & then O appears with her arms full of snacks & clarke is like “good call, O” & O is like “tf are you talking about???? this is mine.” but raven & lincoln brought munchies for clarke.

then when it’s just the two of them, lexa asks what it feels like being high. clarke’s still stoned so it’s hard but says “you can’t really know the feeling without getting high….. your stream of consciousness goes on every tangent. your thoughts take the scenic route… also your internal voice becomes really apparent, but it’s not critical or anything. things feel easy.” & lexa just concludes “you’re an anti-anti-drug ad.”

so lexa tells clarke one day she wants to try weed so clarke’s super excited & wants lexa to be comfortable & they go to the roof, just the two of them & smoke & lexa quickly learns smoking hurts her throat & lungs a lot but clarke packed ice water which helps. when clarke can tell lexa is stoned, she laughs bc her eyes are glossy & just beautiful & that small smile of hers doesn’t leave her lips. but she reassures lexa that she looks fine & isn’t obviously high.

they lie on a blanket & lexa asks clarke to hold her hand bc she feels strange & clarke just smiles & takes her hand & gives it a little squeeze. but they end up talking & laughing bc of some stupid story clarke told & even though clarke’s heard lexa’s laugh, she loves the sound of it in that moment. & she’s jus like “wow. im so in love with her” inside of course.

that night gets lexa into trouble with costia bc long distance is dumb & costia can tell lexa is falling for clarke. they break up before the second semester so lexa throws herself into work but clarke is persistent about making lexa interact with ppl outside of academics & they end up smoking on the quad one night & lexa is p sure she could kiss clarke but she knows she should tell her how she feels first & not kiss her & have clarke assume it was just bc they were high. but they hold hands even though lexa feels fine.

so they both end up super busy bc midterms but they study together in the library. clarke has a nervous habit of tapping her pen & the sound makes lexa anxious, so one day she puts her hand on top of clarke’s tapping hands & clarke apologizes but lexa removes her hand then takes clarke’s right & runs her thumb along the back. it ends up being the kind of sensory stuff the both of them needed & becomes habit.

both of them finish their midterms the same day so they hang out to celebrate which basically turns into them taking a nap in clarke’s bed & raven taking a million ways photos & taking bets from O & lincoln about how long it would take them.

but something about missing clarke on spring break spurred lexa into action so their first day back at school, they’re two of the first back on campus so they go the roof but don’t have weed & as clarke is rambling about something lexa just hugs her & clarke laughs & asks “what’s this about?” & lexa says “i missed you.” & clarke smiles & says “me too.” & then lexa kisses her & it’s grossly cute & clarke kind of sighs as they hold each other after. & blah blah they’re in love & just the grossest.

but what originally spurred this whole thing on was just me thinking “i bet lexa would get horny when high” so my brain is essentially the tag “porn with feelings.” ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

anyway. i’ve got shit to do i guess but thought i’d share.

[adhdvane]

Anon back again, don't worry about delay in answer! I'm not expecting you to reply in a matter of seconds and I'm patient anyway! (●'◡'●) (and yeah, tumblr's notification system kinda suck so really, not your fault haha)

I understand your struggle with fics all too well lol I'm sure a time will come when it just clicks and you can write the good stuff ( •̀ ω •́ )✧ And no need to feel bad if you haven't posted a lot on ao3! You don't have to have 1000 fics or 200k word-long fics for your works to be enjoyable!! Even little ficlets and drabbles are good to have around ♥

It's good of you to have taken time for yourself if you needed it ♥ And yeah, completely understandable to hesitate and come back to fandom in general with the current state of things (a couple years ago I made an IE/Go sideblog and I'm still terrified that someone is going to come up and yell at me for shipping the characters lmao And that's without counting the Problematic™ fics I wrote when I was 16 lmao)

Regarding your tags, I'm just sitting there like starry-eyed because YES TenKyou. I'm DELIGHTED to know that's your preference because that's mine too for the ship asklhjkh

As for Todd and Prof Mirror, that's a tough and personal question, so good luck! (I'm thinking Todd topping's nice but does it make the prof kink better or not is the question!! ALSO in the french version, I know there's a line from Todd going like "Mirror was already being called Professor before he was a professor" so maybe he's not the only one with a prof kink, just from a different angle, hah)

(you say sorry for rambling, but joke's on you, I ramble too! Sorry for clustering your blog though woops Have a good day! (´･ω･`) )

rip, okay, once again i apologize about this one being even later, mostly bc i saw it early, but i haven't been able to sit down and respond to it. this week was the last week of the month so i actually had a lot to do at work and was able to go in every day (as opposed to 1 - 2 days bc business is still so slow). but at the end of the month i do invoicing for inventory charges for that month for each customer. though i was able to actually get a lot of it done sooner than usual (bc i actually started the process on tuesday instead of thursday), there were still three big ones i couldn't even do until thursday bc they had several orders in production that didn't get shipped until thursday. I was going to finally get to this ask on friday when i got home (we only work half days on friday and close at noon)… but the new gbf event had started… and uhg… a sho centric event. g od.

rest of the word vomit under the cut

before i just—IF YOU DON'T WANT TO READ ABOUT THIS GBF RAMBLING FEEL FREE TO SKIP BELOW TO THE END THE GBF OF RAMBLE—this event askjdsjkdfslkdjsdjg talk about giving the antag his redemption art event. the emotional growth in sho. so many new assets to save… there are fricking 6 different versions of his character labeled _painful (_painful, _painful2, etc.), and like so many zoom in's that basically every one of his images has an _up version (the battle ones ((the ones of him on his gearcycle)) also have a bunch of _up2 versions that are zoomed in between the default and _up close up) anyways these in particular kill me.

sho "i'm-not-going-to-cry-or-show-expresions-of-gratitude" awkwardly smiling and crying in this event (while also repeatedly getting the shit kicked out of him/getting hurt. having a moment of breaking down from exhaustion and pain, in the rain, before deciding he has to swallow his pride. every single english word that comes out of his mouth, cv: taniyama kishou is a gift (on a side note i can't believe he fucking played alpha in chronostone. like thats fucking hilarious a va and voicalist capable of such range and drama voicing alpha and his serious monotone ass). Sho (@tsubasa): You showed me the light before—[…] Tsubasa: Wait, what? Whaddya mean I showed you the light? ((you mean when he punched you in the fucking face at the end of the previous event of this series?))). I mean I already shipped bc of the their last event, how can you not ship the guy screaming he's going to kill the protag w/the protag esp after getting punched in the face by the protag at the end makes him calm down and be like fine i guess you win i'm not going to try to kill you know and our gangs don't have to fight. also they're both like 16 (or at least tsubasa is canon 16 (a yeas totally looks like a 16 year old) and sho is at least still in school and at least confirmed to be a minor (not age of majority, which idk what that is exactly in universe, could be 18, could be 20, bc it is fantasy, but it's also japanese, thoguh japan's age of majority is actually lowering from 20 to 18 next april (2022), drinking/smoking/gambling age will still be 20, and the comment in this event was about we're still minors save the smoking for when you're an adult). sho could arguably be 18 or 19 and still believably in school and be considered a minor legally (if in universe gbf follows japanese laws) considering the time he spent in juvie he could easily have been held back. gbf will probably just make him tsubasa's age if a canon age is release. but thinking about sho being 19 and tsubasa being 16 would make some ppl upset and that brings me joy. (also just how funny it could be thinking about (bc everyone is perpetually the same age) how later when sho a year older and legally being able to drink, and tsubasa not, and despite the fact sho being like i will break the laws about physically assaulting a guy but underage drinking, smoking, and drugs is a no-no is fucking hilarious. (the app is rated t so i guess there's only so much you can do…) (oh and one last note, a character in the event asking if sho enjoys the pain and is a masochist, to have other character be like dude you can't just ask someone that. sho saying no he doesn't enjoy the pain. only for later when they are escaping, a character noting "You look rather happy about all this. Now I'm sure youre a masochist." gbf first crushing my sho masochist headcanon and then building it back up in this event, thank u gbf). anways, rip that was a lot and not even everything, as you can see i have been… distracted by this event. apologies

—END OF GBF RAMBLE—

oh god worry about ppl like that in ina like, there really people out there who don't want you shipping ficitional children?????? and the main ina cast is roughly between 12-15. and got i started watching ina in 2013 when i was 19. which apparently for some people is like bad uwu because it's a show for young teenagers (like lol too bad i'm 27 and even though i haven't kept up with aries i still love ina and all the little babies and wont stop shipping). i didn't even know there was people out there who get UPSET AT AGING UP??? like wtf???? sorry i want them to be old enough to marry, adopt children, have a job, and also f.uck. the dpk au is my lifeblood (and has a lot of Problematic™ content that's never even been posted online anywhere bc it used to be an rp. my favorite is that out of all the relationships in the au, tenma and kyousuke's is probably the most unhealthy bc of kyousuke's mental health. some very bad things happened to fei (per request of my rp partner) (part of vanfeny and garsha's revenge on saru as they were sent to megun while saru walks around ''free'' (what exactly is free is a whole other lore mess in itself that i wrote up about post chrono stone future). and that just lead to more bad things fei then did to himself. problematic™ content 9492347 in the dpk au, shipping ozrock and lalaya. (even worse, bc of lore planning i did for the au and decided how their species worked, lalaya is about 6.5 cycles (faram obius years) or roughly 130 earth years and biologically similar to 13 year earth years, and ozrock is about 48 Ixal years roughly 48 earth years and biologically similar to 24 earth years. so like even a worse ship. i mean just ignore cultural norms would be different on an alien planet and also she's royalty and has an obligation to be wed even younger and is probably socially more mature than a human 13 year old. rip sorry i just like alien stuff. a lot of this was also because wouldn't it be great for lalaya to have a really long lifespan so the human friends she makes get older faster and also die way before her :) ina's gunna hurt me with the bug aliens then i'm going to… continue to hurt myself with more alien life span stuff.)

Anyways, With TenKyou, idk I think it's easy to paint tenma as the innocent ~pure baby~ and kyousuke as ~bad boy~ bc of the first inago… and seed kyousuke was a little bastard man (affectionate). which would idk explain the default to kyouten. but like kyousuke chills the hell out in chrono stone and galaxy. and just bc tenma is a dumbass with a heart of gold obsessed with soccer doesn't necessarily mean he's has to be ~innocent baby 受け~ trope. (not that these are the only tropes that decide) (maybe it's bc i sort of like messing with what it must be like to be the main protagonists best friend and watch him continue to overcome everything and be in the spot light and how everyone praises him. kyousuke with self-esteem issues, looking back at all the problems he's caused, tenma has flaws but they're either negligible or something to love about him and mine have only hurt others. disregarding his own goddamn plot armor in the past. complex, emotional, suffering kyousuke is how i like my kyousuke. need we even get into how god eden was canonically revealed to be physically/mentally abusing seeds and that whole can of worms) (also just "nervous baby i don't know how to approach tenma" kyousuke, "cheeky little shit doesn't have any regards to personal space and boundries" tenma) at least if anyone starts giving me shit about an ina ship or problematic fictional ina content, i can always respond with something i drew back in 2015.

back to the matter of new snap though… that line is so familiar (im pretty sure it's in the eng txt, i have it set to jpn audio tho). i recently started keeping a log of the messages that pop up on the camp, lab, and map screens (but haven't saved too many bc i get distracted or at least i know i'm missing quite a few i have vague memories of). (also idk why my first thought to that line was mirror responding with "That was because you were the one calling me that.") there actually were a couple messages i saved initially that would be useful for fic writing:

Todd: "The professor used to be kinda reckless back in the day. I suppose after 10 year he must've calmed down a bit."

and

Mirror: "Todd's calmed down since I last saw him. Or maybe he's just acting mature because you kids are around…"

possible implications from these that I'm deciding to consider for headcanons:

both reckless and wild in their early 20's but that's not unusual, so they were acting like reckless young adults when they were 20. makes sense.

because mirror mentions the last time i saw him (which is definitely implied not 10 years ago since todd had a research team pin so obviously he's been around a bit since the lab was established) meaning todd is potentially still a chaotic bastard but is just trying to act like an adult in front of the kids. beautiful.

and on that note another wonderful Tood message:

Todd: "I never invited Phil to be my pupil—he just declared himself my "number one student" and started tagging along! But honestly…I was kind of flattered."

the possibility that when todd showed up in game, after that cutscene he went to talk to mirror like "this 10 year old just started following me and wont go away, pls help. what do i do?????"

this unsupervised 10 year old just followed a ~30 year old man into the wilderness and somehow just declares todd is mentor (and took the research team pin from todd to ''borrow''). this is a hostage situation. todd is the hostage.

the idea that perhaps todd just got back from a long expedition and was glad to be back and spend time with mirror, except this kid started following him around and wont leave him alone or go away, and then when he got to the lab there were two more kids there. how the fuck am i supposed to get it on with mirror when we have little alone time and when we finally do we're constantly at risk of being interrupted and/or walked-in on. (that last part was mainly the premise of the fic i wanted to write. "these kids are a handful how are we supposed to have intimate time. especially bc they're all so young and have child energy levels and when they go to bed i am already fucking exhausted." i'm thinking it might work better as like a drabble collection, that way i don't have to adhere to a plot line and can pick and choose scenarios to write because i keep winding up with more scenario ideas that i can nearly piece together into a coherent timeline anymore.)

(also a bit that rita becomes suspicious that they are 100% fu.cking even though all that happened was mirror wasn't asleep up in his bed above the lab and fell asleep in one of the bungalows w/todd and then tried to cover it up like haha what no, i was checking on todd he's not feeling well uh… what? where are my pants? oh. oh i can't believe i just totally got out of bed and left the lab without my pants haha.) (todd and mirror just trying to keep their relationship a secrete out of fear of rumors spreading and it affecting the lab's funding, even though rumors definitely started ages ago but neither of them realize). (also todd doesn't trust phil to keep his mouth shut and doesn't like the optics of the random 10 year old who started following him (UNSUPERVISED) just blabbing to his parents about how his cool mentor is dating the professor at the lab like yikes that could end badly worst case scenario.)

(i like the idea of mirror playing along with todd's ki.nk, albeit a little awkward sometimes (not very good at being intentionally 'sexy' about it, but that's not what todd wants anyways bc it's already inherenty sexy for him). Phill has a message "I barely get half the stuff the professor talks about. Do you?" and i can only image if he said that to todd

todd: （人*´∀｀）i know it's hot

phil: what)

anyways i hope you don't mind me rambling even more on your asks like this. last time i totally just cut chunks out to be smaller but this time… i'm going to leave things in rip.