#prep school scandal spoiler

[panthera-tigris-venenata]

Personal rant ahead✨

okay, so. I'm not sure anyone's reading, but I'm writing this. Maybe putting it in words will help, you know?

I've had a fucking terrible time lately, there's no denying it – I'm not even sure how long it went on. For sure, the last half a year–

Guys, I didn't think I'd survive it.

I'm not lying. God, I'm not lying.

Looking back, I'm not sure how I did survive it, but I did. Somehow. I just kept going. (Till Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes; till Nona the Ninth translation; till Rise of Red; till The Umbrella Academy 4). I fucking kept going even though I was fucking exhausted.

I ended up in the emergency two times, with a panic attack that had me sure I was dying.

I ended up in the psychiatric emergency two times, too, when the emergency personel said taking me to the hospital wouldn't help.

I asked my roommate to send me photos of chemical reactions and formulas to the emergency psych ward. I broke down bad enough to end up there and it continued: two two Exams the next day, final labs and test the next, another exam three days after and two days after that and chemical engineering with about seven hours of prep time. I did these on sedatives that didn't even take away all of the anxiety.

On the weekend then, I crashed at my friend's, completely crashed. I was afraid to stay alone. I was so out of it I was sure i'd die if alone.

(If you're reading this, thank you. Really.)

This doesn't need to be coherent, right?

I've been struggling with food too. Namely, eating enough.

(I tell you, one of the days I ended in emergency: for breakfast, I got half of a pastry, some cottage cheese and handful of cherry tomatoes - that doesn't sound too bad, but it was only half because I was supposed to eat it for dinner the day before. For lunch, well, I decided I'd go swimming, physical activity is supposed to help, right, maybe I'd buy something at the pool? (Spoiler allert, I didn't). I bought one (1) slice of pizza at the subway when getting home from the psych clinic.)

Fun time, right?

With a track record like this, I've managed to lose five kg (about ten pounds?). Problem with this, of course, is that that was a tenth of my total weight.

I'm better now, almost back at my original weight, but sometimes, my brain still screams at me that the food is poisonous.

You know, I've got a pretty strong catalogue of venoms and poisons and alimentary ilnesses. The toxicology and microbiology courses didn't really help. God, I freaked out over soup one time, I was sure it was full of botulotoxin. (It was not. Botulotoxin is termolabile.) (I cried over this for hours anyway and I'm not sure I'll eat that soup again.)

But, you know. I'm trying.

I'm trying.

I got some meds, but - the first ones - it was bad. It was so bad. It was supposed to help, but first, it got worse. I could do nothing but cry for four days, I remember I felt nothing but terror.

It was only a bit better when I went to a summercamp as a councilor- nothing much to say about the camp. But, there was a storm, we were waiting it out outside under an altan with the girls who slept in tents - god, we were all scared. I kept telling fairytales for an hour and then more at curfew for the little ones, I almost lost my voice. (There was a boy with us, about fifteen, helping counsilor. He slowly inched closer as I was telling the fairytales, it was cute.)

Still, the girls were crying, I'm not surprised, the storm was bad, and then there was some scandal among the younger kids about some video, and more people cried. In the end, at least ten people cried. I didn't break down only because I took xanax in between.

I'm not sure if I want to say anything more; I've said enough already.

There's a new school year soon and I'm scared.

[blysse-and-blunder]

in lieu of a quiet sunday night

sunday, 11pm, September 22, 2024 ~ cider close to hand, both alcoholic and non; hozier playing in the background; evidently it's the first day of fall

reading since i skipped doing one of these last week, both of my reading picks tonight are actually from a little while ago. both were so, so compelling, but for different reasons. one an award-winning piece of twentieth-century canadian literature set in 1970s india, the other a scandalous semi-autobiographical account of drinking, dating, and divorce in roaring twenties new york.

i think that drew me into both of these first was their dialogue-- both authors are so good at writing distinctly unique, distinctly not-what-i-usually-hear character dialogue, without it sounding at all affected. i got the feeling that both authors were working from life, describing societies they knew inside and out, and had observed intimately. so much detail about the, like, material and sensory details of these two different settings-- what everyone wore out to dinner in the twenties, and what they were eating and drinking; what shopping for a chicken or going to the doctor was like in mid-seventies bombay, what school was like, how people were discussing the government... beyond that, these two feel so dissimilar that comparing them is going to do a disservice to both. though i guess both have, at different points in their histories, been the subject of some scandal. listening shout out to my 'for you' playlist last week, which was one hit after another-- but opened with this, and introduced me to rachel chinouriri! whose sound i really like. that first slow build up to the guitar bursting in? got my attention immediately. the lyrics to this one are, admittedly, wild to be singing while trying to write job apps, but it's melancholy in enough of an upbeat way that it almost feels calming?

No point in trying to prove yourself to them Why question who you are from deep within? No matter what, your youth is gonna end My god it’s sinking in There’s no point in anything

the whole album goes down so smooth, and is rewarding repeat listens. i love her voice. i love how late i am to discovering her, since she's opening for sabrina carpenter now apparently.

watching no shogun time this week, but the gang and i sat down to experience the first episode of a new series, which i cannot stop thinking about. imagine like. australian broadchurch, but only one of the main characters and all the victims are actually in a bleak crime drama, and every other character is doing like parks & rec. also it's extremely gay. and rude. and funny. favorite characters are dulcie, and sven the guy who keeps asking who he can delegate stuff to. also dulcie's wife, who i'm so worried about the world crushing somehow, she seems too optimistic to survive undamaged!

playing did i mention finishing act ii of pentiment? now that @blue--period is playing it, i realized i wanted to get further and be able to discuss. i was devastated by the end of act i, but the end of act ii feels... bleak in a way i wasn't expecting, at all. i'm already planning a second play-through using my other save file, since i failed a bunch of checks in act ii (a few i think based on the background i had chosen, aggravating since it was helpful in other ways) and no spoilers, but in other ways, i failed by succeeding. saving act iii for now, since i have a busy next couple of weeks. much love to caspar, my best boy.

making fallow week. check back soon for experiments with medieval ink making, though!! i have sourced ingredients, and parchment scraps, from kind friends and colleagues who won't ask me to pay for them, and will shortly be (i hope) benefiting from someone else's paper-making budget. stay tuned.

working on prepping for my students' quiz on thursday, and the following assignment due in early oct, by brainstorming what i want to ask them to do and then not actually writing the rubric or instructions. alternating with staring at the descriptions of various job openings and trying to pick up lots of detail about the hiring departments. wrote up a 2-page dissertation summary, which sucked. feeling more chill about the process than i thought, which is also because it doesn't feel like it's happening to me, exactly. writing sample and finalized cover letter this week?

[prepschoolinsanity]

Honestly this was a hella badass introduction for Edgar, it’s so angsty I love it

[alicat-gotyourtongue]

Jughead going to Prep School:

Me, watching Jughead go to Prep School:

[shineyma]

1st, I am beyond excited and grateful that you took the time to write all this!! I asked for a rant, Amy, you delivered. 2nd, /I/ should apologize because my reply's probs gonna be long. (Half an ask already. Ugh, I'm hopeless, and you extremely polite.) I'd seen Fitz said Deke's the worst to be their grandson, but not that he persisted! GO, FITZ!! Didn't Iain use to say back in S1 that he didn't want FS to happen? I loved him for it, esp when Liz can't seem to do anything other than wax (1/9)

the rest go under the cut because it’s a lot of asks XD

poetic about FS. (Whyyy, Liz?? Seriously, does she talk about anything other than FS?) LBR though, Fitz is #relatable here. I’ve watched 3 S5 eps and seen many spoilers, and Deke’s 95% a dick, right?? I think TPTB might’ve been going for that particular FS brand of determined, unapologetic, do-what’s-necessary but their compassion and drive to protect were always evident even in their “harsher/colder” actions/attitudes/treatments. (I’m missing the right words but you know, right??) /But/ (2/9)

they missed the mark by 100 miles. Anyway. Frankly, Amy, Jemma fighting viciously Fitz’s pessimism and fatalism, esp by putting forth a positive twist on fatalism (for lack of a better word) has rubbed me so wrong for so long. It’s not necessarily ooc?? But it’s also not Jemma in a right mental and emotional state?? (You’re getting a terrible description of what I mean but I’m no good for anything else right now.) Like she’s broken, resigned, fighting for some thing that just happened, (3/9)

that she didn’t consciously choose, it was forced on her through guilt of her own and of others’ making, and through others pushing for it, and she’s sort of accepted it, it’s just part of her life now, vaguely, automatically placed under the “good stuff” category, and everything around her is in chaos, so she just fights for /it/? I don’t know. There’s a difference between “the universe says we’re gonna be together, look at the signs!!” and “we want to be together and we’ll work for it”. (4/9)

About the logic fail, Jemma probs grabbed onto that “my mom told me the ‘right direction’ thing which her mom had told her”, ergo she raised her some, and coupled with the need to make Fitz feel better and the talk with yet another always unhelpful team member (😒), she just went for that stupid line. Does that make it not ooc? Well, /no/. *makes a paper plane out of your last 3 bullet points and shoots it @ TPTB, yelling “TAKE NOTES!”* Amy, in the AOS house we don’t perform surgery to the (5/9)

tune of melodies that calm and steady and help us concentrate. In the AOS house, we perform surgery while conversing on things that test our ability to hold back tears and shouts and shaking and violence, because we’re hardcore. So, the dog thing. @ Hydra WTF??!!?! Yeah, I’m glad I missed that. And OK, can someone finally confirm if Ward shot Buddy??!! It’s getting ridiculous. I say probs nah, because John used to prod him too often for not being cruel enough, but… I don’t know. Also, (6/9)

I’m so glad Ward didn’t attend Hydra’s School for Young Octopi!! I mean, everything does point to that!! :D Teen!Ward busted out at 17 and dumped in the woods, switching to Brett!Ward still in the woods, John alluding to Ward shooting Buddy and finally leaving the woods as the end of his training and immediate beginning of his SHIELD career… If he attended any Academy, that was SHIELD Ops. It’s canon! New Ward backstory! I LOVE IT!! OK, because Hydra has that elitist vibe, I’m imagining (7/9)

more of a posh-secret-club-inside-the-academy kind of thing?? You know, like the actual Piggate scandal with the UK PM, and there’s many a movie too that show secret societies inside colleges etc, whose members are wealthy kids of old families, and their fathers were members before them, and their grandfathers, and they have weird, twisted rituals. You know the kind. Malick, his daughter and the council of people they had brought to meet Hive, they remind me of that. Anyway, I’m still not (8/9)

forgiving Ruby for what she did to Elena, but the dog thing and the Hydra-engineered super-baby thing are something…?? I’d have to watch S5 to pass judgement and LOL NO, I ain’t about to do that. I thiiink I’m done. Man, I hope that was some damn good strawberry shortcake. I’m gonna need all the favor I can get. 😇 ❤❤❤❤ Also, what’s a strawberry shortcake and why are people discriminating against its physique??? Ah, and why do you use that squiggly line (~) at the end of some words??? (9/9)

Okay! Here we go! XD

First off, I…..go back and forth on Liz’s support of fs. On the one hand, it’s silly to hold it against her; it’s not like attacking her own storyline would be a smart move, either with fans (who for some reason overwhelmingly support it) or with Jed&Mo (who, after all, have made clear that they based fs’ relationship off their own). Sure, Iain got away with it, but look at the way the show treats Fitz vs. Jemma……he’s clearly the favorite. *side eyes aos* Plus, fs being together gets her more scenes with more people (gotta have everyone reminding her how destined~ she and Fitz are after all!!), so it’s understandable she’d like it.

That said….HOW CAN SHE NOT SEE HOW TERRIBLE IT IS? I DON’T UNDERSTAND.

And we could talk about that all day so…moving on!

Deke started out as the harsh/cold/doing what’s necessary to survive in a terrible environment character (he SOLD DAISY TO KASIUS because he was afraid her search for Jemma would endanger the rest of them), but the show kind of….dropped that? And tried to switch him to the lovable moron instead? It’s weird.

As for Jemma’s optimism……I guess I can’t totally blame her. Like, she does love Fitz, that’s clear enough. I personally don’t think she’d have gotten there if she hadn’t been constantly pushed towards him, or if he hadn’t made a big deal of “I can’t be just friends,” therefore forcing her to choose between a romantic relationship with her best friend or NOTHING AT ALL of him, but. Whatever.

My point was, she loves him. And he is CONSTANTLY going on about how they’re cursed and they’re never gonna work out and how ‘doesn’t sound great for the girlfriend’ and ‘I don’t deserve you’ and blah blah negativity. And it is just super not fair to her that she has to forever fight this attitude of his and try to keep him positive about THEIR RELATIONSHIP, something he should be excited and positive about ON HIS OWN. Ugh.

So from that perspective, I guess I can see why she’d cling to this, as evidence~ they’re not doomed and they’re gonna be okay. Good point, nonnie!

And another good point: I’d forgotten about the daughter saying that her mom had said the steps in the right direction stuff! to her That makes Jemma’s logic fail a little less egregious, I feel better now.

Oh, right, silly me. Of course aos is way too hardcore to want to focus on the situation at hand when surgery is underway!

I think the show kinda confirmed that it was Grant who shot Buddy? In 2x21 when Bobbi was trying to talk Kara out of the whole….torture thing that was about to happen, she tried to convince her that Grant was grooming her and that he probably started small and probably was started small himself, and Kara was like “yeah, Garrett made him shoot his dog.” So that probably counts as confirmation.

(But I am all about #denial so I choose to ignore it. Alternate explanation: Garrett was the one who did it but Grant wanted to use the story to connect to Kara, so he was creative with the truth. See? It still works!)

And yep! Garrett said, when he finally got Grant from the woods, that he’d gotten him into the ops academy! Which admittedly was four whole seasons before this mess and probably they didn’t know yet they were gonna give Hydra its own Academy, but why would Garrett make Grant do the dog test in the woods if he was about to go to Hydra and have to do it all over again? Doesn’t make sense! So yes, definitely Grant went to SHIELD Academy.

As for the “posh” sense you get of Hydra, nonnie, you are SO NOT WRONG. Hydra’s Academy was seriously SO prep school vibes, I can’t even fully describe it. They had UNIFORMS, nonnie! Suit and tie uniforms with HYDRA LOGOS on the breast pocket!!!! It was…….ridiculous. Ri. di. cu. lous.

And right? TOTALLY NOT COOL that Ruby cut off Elena’s arms, but I have some sympathy for her now. Some.

And thank you for asking, the strawberry shortcake was DELICIOUS! And it’s not discrimination (XD; I literally lol’d, nonnie, thanks for that)—strawberry shortcake is a dessert with sliced, sugared strawberries, whipped cream, and a kind of cake that’s called “shortcake” because of its crumbly, sometimes crispy texture. It is THE BEST and I’m so sad it doesn’t exist in your life. I’m sorry, nonnie.

ETA: sometimes people use spongecake instead of shortcake when making strawberry shortcake. these people are wrong and should not be trusted.

As for the squiggly line, it’s hard to explain! 

Sometimes, I use it to add a note of sarcasm or mocking. Since tone is hard to convey online, it helps me get my meaning across (and feels necessarily mean, in such statements as “Jemma and Fitz are destined~”)!

Other times, it’s more…..hm…..like a gesture, maybe? Like in my rant I wrote “the glory of Hive~” and the sguiggly was meant to convey a kind of handwave, like “the glory of Hive and all that stuff the Hive-worshiping parts of Hydra would concern themselves with.” Does that make sense?

I don’t know, it’s kind of like the tumblr habit of randomly capitalizing words in the middle of a sentence, you know? Sometimes it’s for emphasis, sometimes it’s for sarcasm, sometimes it’s just because it feels right. I hope that makes at least a little sense. XD

Thanks very much for the conversation, nonnie! Sorry it was such a struggle getting your thoughts to me!