#prettified the already pretty man

[commanderdazzle]

I have to be awake to go to work in two hours but I can't sleep, figured I'd babble on here for a moment.

If you've seen me on the D.Gray-Man tag, you maybe recognize me as the utter maniac shipping Miranda with Sheril, with an absolutely massive fanfic on Ao3 expressing my emotions.

Well I was thinking the other day about the reason I found the idea so fascinating.

I already had one reason, which was; Miranda interacting with an openly flirtatious character would be hilarious, and I'm disappointed Hoshino never once had Cross notice her. Noise is nice, but Hoshino won't even confirm they're a thing, much less have him say anything directly flirty.

Which brings me to the other reason I like a theoretical Miranda/Sheril pairing.

Hoshino really felt the need to prettify, to round and smoothify Noise, presumably to pair him with Miranda, when she could have left his face the way it was.

Like, now there's a point where he's really cute during the Alma flashback that takes place nine years ago, then he looks tough and hardened during the main story line up until somewhere around Lulubell's attack, where he then looks cute again.

She should have kept his face! I'm not calling him ugly, either, original Noise was still attractive, just unique for not being as pretty as most of the main Exorcists! He looked fine, and it would have been a great dynamic between him and Miranda, but when Hoshino prettifyed him, it just wasn't interesting to me anymore.

That's why Sheril was the next person to come to mind. He's got stereotypical "crazy evil bastard" written all over him, the only information Hoshino has given away about him is that he intentionally looks like a pervert and a snake, he's so not hot but in less than 10 chapters he's somehow convinced quite a few of us that he is? That's how you write charisma!

Of course I had to pair our poor, anxious, sweetheart Miranda with Scumbag Politician Boyfriend?!

Sorry that this got long, I just have so many emotions about them as a concept! Which is why my Trilogy is being expanded into a Quartet.

[wolfish-trickster]

Care to dance?

Loki x female!reader

Word count: 3K

Summary: your best friend drags you to a dance lesson. After many training sessions with complete peaces of wood comes a handsome man to twirl you around

Warning: none, possible typos (as usual)

A/N: what you're about to read is word for word, action for action exactly the same as what happened to me 2 days ago. I can't stop thinking about that boy for some reason and this is my way of dealing with it, enjoy

Tag list: @gaitwae @lucywrites02 @hard-to-be-the-bard @birdgirl90 @laramoonworld @forevernthensome @kozkaboi @the-emo-asgardian @theaudacitytowrite

'Come on, it will be fun!' with these words your best friend from highschool invited you to join her on classical dance lessons. She was so excited, she always loved to dance. And since you liked to move around to music as well you agreed and joined her.

Until you found out how wooden some men can be.

One walked all over your shoes, the other always started with the wrong foot and there was this one guy who couldn't step to the rhythm to save his own life. Granted, there were some decent dancers, but they were so few and far in between you couldn't help but remember only the bad ones. But you didn't mind. Your friend enjoyed herself every single monday, nomatter who she danced with.

Today was supposed to be the last day of training with a big party at the end. Everyone came in their best clothes. Lena, your friend, took it a level further and brought a second dress as well.

"Why the heck would you bring it? One isn't enough?" you chuckled as you helped her zip up her black dress.

"In case I get sweaty. I wanna look my best for the whole night," she explained and twirled around showing off her black glittery skirt. "Time for the make up!" she said and happily skipped from bathroom back to the training room to do her make up infront of a huge mirror.

You akwardly stood next to her and admired both her and other girls moving little brushes along their faces. Every move, every stroke was done with such elegance. You were kind of jealous of them. How they could make it look so easy to do.

Lena glanced your way. "Don't you want to prettify yourself as well?"

"Huh? Oh, no. I already put make up over my acne and dark circles. That's enough for me."

"Oh come on! How about one thin eyeline? That won't hurt!"

"No," you sighed, "but everytime I wear eyeliners or eyeshadows they melt off of my skin and it looks like I was crying."

Lena pouted. "A lip gloss then? Please, wear at least that," she pleaded.

You rolled your eyes. "Fine, but can you put it on me please? I've always been sloppy with it," you chuckled.

Lena instructed you to open your mouth and stay still. When she was finished you glanced into the mirror. It didn't look that bad. The lip gloss was decent and you felt a little pretty.

"Alright, time to have sime fun!" Lena chirped and lead you hand in hand onto the dance floor. The teacher usually assigned all of the girls a male partner. This time it wasn't different. The only thing that was different was the fact there were too many girls, not enough boys. Some would have to dance with two girls.

A dark haired young man in black suit arrived and apologized for being late. You stared at him. You don't think you've seen him before on these classess. But some other men greeted him so he obviously was here before. Why couldn't you remember him?

"Excuse me," he asked, "with who should I dance?"

"You don't have a partner?" the teacher asked.

The young man shook his head. Teacher then turned to girls. "Which one of you doesn't have a partner?"

You and Lena shyly raised your hands. The teacher lead the young man to the two of you. "These ladies will dance with you tonight."

The man chuckled and leaned in to tell something to a tall blonde man standing infront of you. "I didn't have a partner and now I have two, what a start!"

He stood between you two then. The young man was taller than you, his dark hair kept falling into his blue eyes. You thought he looked cute. But you were worried if he was a good dancer or if you should say goodbye to your toes.

"Alright everybody!" the teacher clepped to get all of your attention. "We will start with valtz. First group please!"

All men lead their partners on the floor, with exception of some girls who didn't have partners and had to share just like you and Lena. The partner in question turned to both of you as if he wanted you to decide which one will be in the first group. You really wanted to put your cold hand into his warm one, but your anxiety won and you let Lena go first.

As soon as the music started and the pairs started dancing your jaw fell. The man dancing with Lena was incredible! The right posture, the right pace. Just beautiful. Looking at them was so satsfying you almost forgot to check the steps and refresh your memory.

The song ended, the man bowed and gracefully lead Lena to you. Just then you noticed his smile. Damn he was adorable.

Lena let go of his hand and you took her place. His palm was warm, a little rough. Maybe he did some kind of sport that roughens his palms. Climbing maybe? Martial arts?

As you got to the position you panicked. "With which leg do I start?" you asked, completely forgetting the fact you didn't know him.

The man smiled at you teasingly. "Let yourself get surprised."

You rolled your eyes and quickly glanced at the pair to your right. The music started, few beats passed. The lady started with her left leg. And so did you.

The dance was one of the most pleasant ones you've had in a long time. He lead you across the dance floor and you let go and relaxed your shoulders. For the first time you genuenly enjoyed the dance and even though you were supposed to look over your partner's shoulder you stole few glances at him as well. You noticed some dark short hair on his jaw, few birthmarks as well. And he smelled incredible. Not too much of a heavy cologne, but just the right amount to make it comforting.

You almost hated the fact songs were so short. The song ended, you both bowed and he lead you back to Lena. She instantly noticed how relaxed you were and smiled. "Oh shut up," you whispered to her before she could even say something. However her smile was promising you few words after the handsome stranger is out of the earshot.

Teacher announced the romantic dance. Tango. The young man lead Lena to the dancefloor and they danced just like before. Gracefully, elegantly, satisfyingly to watch. You tried to pay attention to which leg starts and wehere to move but with such a handsome man few meters away from you, it was next to impossible.

Just as you and Lena exchanged places Lena told you quickly: "Relax, you know this one, just follow the music and you'll be fine!"

You hoped she was right.

You got to the spot and got in a position. This time you knew how to start. But your partner still looked at you with his bright blue eyes and asked. "Do you know where to go?"

You nodded and fixed your gaze on his chest.

"Good," he replied.

The music started and you started moving. You counted the steps in your head. Slow, slow, quick-quick, slow, slow, quick-quick.

Everything was going great. He held you just right, he never once stepped on your shoes, you relaxed and for once stoppwd counting to enjoy the feeling of his wamr rough hand wrapped around yours. Just as you let your guard down he suddenly let go of you and twirled you earning a surprised yelp out of you, then brought you back into the position as if nothing happened. He chuckled at the way you lost your count over which leg should go now.

Thank god your suffering was cut short when the song ended. Then as the man lead you back to your friend you turned to him. "That twirl wasn't in the plan! Don't scare me like that."

The man chuckled. "I'm sorry. But it was fun."

You could see the wide smile of your friend from miles. You're gonna get earful from her, aren't you?

Few dances passed and then teacher called for break. Thankfully or unfortunatelly, your handsome partner left along with hsi friends to get glass of water. While he was gone your friend turned to you. "I think he likes you!" she said cheerfuly.

"Why would you think that?" you tucked a peace of hair behind your face.

"Because he twirled you like that! It was sooo cute! Not to mention he smiled at you accassionaly"

"One twirl doesn't mean anything," you rolled your eyes, "even though he is kina cute..."

Lena's eyes sparkled. "So you like him?" she smirked.

"Yeah I guess. But it's stupid, I don't even know his name!"

"I asked while you were dancing, his name's Loki."

Loki huh? Cute name to a cute person.

The break ended and the dancing resumed. But after few dances you started to notice him limp a little.

"You okay?" you asked as he lead you to dancefloor.

"Yeah, I just have tight shoes that's all."

"Ah, I'm sorry about that," you placed your hand on his shoulder and got into position.

"I'll manage. As soon as there's another break I'm getting these shoes the fuck away from me," he chuckled and looked down on your high heels, "I pity you tho. I can't imagine walking in these things," he pointed at your shoes.

You shrugged. "I'll manage."

Few more dances passed and now time for chacha. Your personally least favourite.

As you mentally prepared for the disaster you notced Loki limp more and more but trying to surpress it. Once again you asked him if he's alright and once again he told you he'll be okay.

Then as you danced he started talking to you. "I wanted to twirl you again just now, but I decided not to," he smiled.

"Thanks for not doing it," you told him and looked in his eyes. The two of you held your gazes a little longer but then quickly looked away.

Chacha passed with zero mistakes on your side, which was a miracle on it's own. But the true disaster was just before of you.

Next came in jive. You could dance it quite good, no worries there. But Loki... As soon as the music started he did bunch of weird steps, never knew when to turn and where to step. It was awkward.

As you and Lena exchanged places and Loki once again lead you to the dancefloor he leaned down to your ear. "I don't really know how to dance this one, I'm sorry" he whispered with a hint of chuckle.

You waved your hand. "We'll survive."

It wasn't as awkward as you thought it will be. True, he didn't know what to do and was improvising most of the time, but so were you. His steps threw you off so much the both of you just stepped wherever you could to not step all over ypur partner's shoes. At the end of the dance Loki lead you back and both of you laughed at how terrible it was.

After everyone in the room danced all 15 dances you learned it was time for men to ask random girls to dance. You, a wallflower your entire life, sat down on a free chair and watched other men take theri new dance partners for the first dance. Loki took Lena. You weren't jealous or anything. You were sad, because no one came to take you. You'll always be the spare it seemed.

The dance ended, men bowed to their ladies and lead them back to their seats. You just sat there and fidgeted with your ring. Loki then extened his hand towards you. "Do you want to dance?"

Your brief depression got exchanged by joy as you slided his hand in his. "Yes! At least someone will dance with me tonight!"

"What, you're not used to men asking you to dance?"

You shook your head and smiled like crazy. Just then you realized you had no idea what dance was next. "Crap, what are we dancing?" you asked.

Loki smirked. "Surprise."

"Well, thanks a lot," you mumbled and he chuckled. Turns out the next was rumba. You and him made little smalltalk over the dance, it was mainly him cursing his shoes and you suggesting to stuff his them with napkins to avoid callosity.

The dnace ended and you reluctantly said goodbye to him in your mind. The rest wasn's so bad. Out of 15 dances you danced 7 times. Six more men chose to dance with you. First was a blonde friend of Loki's. You hoped it was Loki who suggested it. Even if it wasn't yoi were still happy someone chose you.

Then it was time for the women chosing new partners. You didn't know that many people in this group. You went to get Loki but he was already snatched by some other girl. Instead you went for the only other guy you knew, Loki's blond friend.

"Can I dance with you?"

"Sure," he downed the glass of water he was holding and took your hand. He was such a bad dancer himself. Randomly in the middle of the dance he asked. "What's your name?"

"I'm y/n."

"I'm Thor. Nice to meet you," he smiled.

"Nice to meet you too," you smiled back and finished the dance.

You sat for the next round and waited for it to be over. When it did you quickly stood up and made your way over to Loki. He looked quite spent.

"You good?" you asked first. If his feet hurt too much you wouldn't preassure him and ask someone else.

To your surprise he nodded. "Yup, I'm good."

"Well," you shifted awkwardly, "care to dance then?"

He smiled at you. "Of course."

You danced together for the last time and you enjoyed your time. You didn't even shy away and admjred him from upclose. There was a huge possibility you will never meet again so you tried to remember every single detail about him.

Unfortunately, the dance ended way too soon and he lead you back to your seat. After few more dances where you asked two or three guys you happened to know the formal part was officialy over. Next was plain old party.

Lena used this time to take you to a secluded area. "So, how was it?"

"Quite good. And you were wrong, he doesn't like me," you told her sadly.

"What? Did he tell you?"

"No, but-"

"Then there's still hope! Besides you were talking together! He didn't talk to me at all," she tried to cheer you up.

"I don't know Len, we don't even know eachother..."

Lena took your hand and lead you back where the party was. "Let's fix ut then!"

But ass soon as you stepped foot into the room again Loki was nowhere to be seen. You glanced at the clock on the nearby wall. Maybe he was too tired already.

"Ah, what a shame," you said sadly.

"Hey, don't be sad! I know few people who are his friends, we'll find a way for you guys to meet again."

"Thanks Lena," you hugged her. She really was a great friend. "Now, let's break the dnace floor!" you took her hands and lead her to the center of the room.

*

When you opened your eyes the last thing you wanted to do was to move out of your cozy warm blankets. So you searched for your phone on the nightstand to browse through youtube. As soon as you turned your phone on you saw multiple messages from your friends. But one of them stood out the most to you.

You opened the chat you have with Lena to see what she sent you. There was just a screenshot of an instagr account with one single message saying 'found him :D'. You read the name of the acount and realized it's Loki's! How Lena managed to find him was beyond you.

You quickly thanked her and searched him up on instagram. As you were about to click on the follow button you stopped yourself. Isn't it gonna look too desperate? Too weird?

You smiled sadly to yourself and shook your head. Of course it will. It always does.

You pulled back your finger and looked at his profile. No pictures, no posts, minimalist at the heart. And it was private as well. You took a screenshot and switched to youtube. You'll worry about the follow not follow thing later. Now it was time to play some songs and funny vine compilations. You had a way of contacting him in the future. That's the only thing you needed for now.

[maoam]

Each time I see artwork of boruto characters x adult naruto looking like a twink I die a little inside

Yeah.... I honestly wouldn’t have expected people to be able to woobify Boruto Naruto considering how Kishimoto drew him, but I guess I underrestimated the fandom

Has anyone seen monstercake2 twitter? She draws Naruto’s eyes like twice as big as Sasuke’s, no matter what age they are, when in canon he doesn’t even have bigger eyes than Sasuke. And of course she gives Sasuke strong jawline to make him more manly. And sorry but they’re not Naruto and Sasuke from the manga.

To me it’s funny how if you say Sasuke is beautiful everyone loses their mind and tells you not to feminise one of them because it’s fetishizing gay relationships, meanwhile the same “equality” preaching people follow all of these girly Naruto blogs and no one feels the need to “call them out” even when they’re far off from canon. Hmm I wonder why?

At least Sasuke is beautiful in canon, it’s not something you have to make up. And I hate to give SS fandom credit because I hate the ship, but jpn SS at least draw Sasuke pretty like he is, unlike SN. I guess it’s because Sakura is already the woman in the relationship, they don’t have to change Sasuke’s features to signal to people he’s the man lol

Maybe people should ask themselves why do they need to “prettify” male character just because they want him as bottom?

[daxolotl]

Ellie, Queercoding, and the rare denial of the Male Gaze

@nanocyte and I were talking last night about Ellie's character design in the Last of Us 2. Because I realised that....this is the first and only time I can think of where I've seen a butch lesbian in a piece of media who seems completely designed around a queer audience, with nothing about her being male gaze-y.

Almost every butch lesbian you see in media (and seeing butch lesbians in media is super-rare ALREADY, since so much media decides that having a butch lesbian would be too "stereotypical" so none of them ever include one. They’re all so progressive, making sure butch lesbians are never, ever in any piece of media) has nice hair and makeup and perfect clear skin, and tight, form-fitting "butch" clothes - sleeveless undershirts that show off a bunch of cleavage, tight plaid shirts unbuttoned one button too low, skinny jeans that don't have pockets, and maybe a pair of nice leather boots to show how "totes masculine" she is. A butch lesbian designed for the male gaze.

But Ellie? Ellie doesn’t look anything like that.

Ellie isn't wearing makeup. Her skin isn't clear (and you can see in the first trailer that her hands are dry and cracked and calloused, not The Softest Hands Ever). The pants she's wearing have many pockets. Her hair is cut short messily, clearly out of practicality. Her tattoo isn't Colourful And Dramatic, or Quirky And Manic Pixie Dream Girl, it's dark ink lines that are simple. And the shirts she wears are tough men's shirts, one or two sizes too big for her, that conceal the shape of her body rather than emphasising it. All things that the Male Gaze finds unattractive - if they see a butch lesbian, they usually want her to be basically a femme lesbian except wearing skinny jeans and with her hair cut short. But her whole aesthetic, with how rough she looks, reminds me of how queer women endlessly thirst after butch farmer and butch mechanic AUs. AUs where her hands are calloused and her clothes are rough and she smells of oil and petrol and wears men’s clothes.

When she smiles, it's a big, full, giddy smile. Not some Polite Pretty Smile.  And, let's be honest, media doesn’t know how to handle women being actually happy. But queer women love to see women being happy, unashamed and unrestrained.

In terms of personality, at the party she's nervous and obviously feels out-of-place, and is clearly pining after her best friend from afar, and doesn't have any of the confidence to even imagine that those feelings could be reciprocated, and is totally surprised when they are. And "pining after your best friend from afar but hiding your feelings" is a Mood for a LOT of lesbians - straight male narratives don't get that because so many feel entitled to women's time or entitled to “a chance” because they’re a Nice Guy; they can't possibly imagine keeping quiet about their feelings out of respect and worry and valuing a friendship over a relationship.

But when Ellie looks at Dina, the girl she's crushing on, dancing with a man, she smiles - and when Jesse approaches her, Ellie says Dina and him will probably get back together within a couple of weeks. She wants Dina to be happy, even if that's without her. How many Nice Guys do you know that could say that?

And then you've got her in combat. She's violent and angry and ferocious. She slits a Seraphite's throat slowly and violently and mutters "Fucker" as she finishes, then cleans the blood off her hand by rubbing it on the back of her pants. She's not some femme fatale killing elegantly with neat sneak attacks and perfect shots. She's brutal and scary, covered in dirt and gore, hitting people in the head with a claw hammer and shooting people again and again in the chest until they finally go down, being hurt and bloodied and fighting to continue on.

The Male Gaze and popular media doesn’t like seeing badass women getting hurt and carrying on (it likes to see women being hurt and broken, that's a whole other topic of misogyny) - they prefer to see the Black Widow femme fatale, who kills people without even chipping her nails or ruining her perfectly-kept hair. To see a woman bloodied and hurt as she murders a lot of people has a very queer appeal. (And how many straight men do you know who don't want to know about women bleeding because that's "gross" and "weird"?)

All of that ... all of that adds together into the sort of character I've never seen in any media before. We never get to see queer butch women like this - hell, we never get to see women like this. No part of Ellie is sexualised or prettified for the Male Gaze. And every part of Ellie is queer-coded; a celebration of her identity as a lesbian in the post-apocalyptic world.

[sapphicalexaandra]

6, 14 and 19

6. How long did your questioning process take (if you’re not still going through it)?

It’s definitely still on-going (see last answer for more details), and i think i first started ‘realizing’ things around 3 or 4 years ago, if not more, when i was already in college.

14. How do you express your sexuality/gender?

I really don’t do anything special, i’m simply me, i mostly have a ‘casual’ style even though sometimes i do wear stereotypical ‘gay’ things like flannel lol cause i like it despite the fact that it’s a rather popular style among anyone anyway. I really wish i was more stereotypically pretty, feminine and stylish cause those are things i like to see, but it really is not for me apparently, thus i end up really hating having to ‘prettify’ myself a lot, or i’d be ‘letting myself go’. Yikes.

19. Is your current environment supportive?

It’s a bit of a complicated situation, so bear with me. 

For one, my parents 100% support me in anything, from my health to my education to my happiness etc., so i did came out to them and they are okay with anything that makes me happy…it’s just that i live somewhere where lgbt people are still very clearly considered ‘other’, like something that exists somewhere else and not in the day-to-day life, and they’re mostly the punchline of a joke. Thus i’ve never found or been able to be part of a lgbt community irl and from this originates most of my still-existing ‘confusion’ about what i actually like and ‘am’. Even though within myself i do know and feel it, because my environment is not an open and varied one i still live as if i were in the closet. I don’t even care about being in the closet or who knows or does not know about me, i just don’t feel like telling anyone extra cause i see it as useless. If i were able to go out there and live my best queer life with lgbt friends and possibly a girlfriend i’d simply post it on my socials and show up with a girlfriend and whoever is or not suprised or okay with it would just have to live with it. But since none of this has happened it’s like i’m not even actually part of it and i constantly worry of ‘faking it’. Consequently, since i have all this doubt and confusion, my parents most likely (they’ve outright said it in the past) believe that i simply still have not found the right guy and i just think to prefer girls cause i feel more comfortable around them, since i’m a renown ‘feminist’ and ‘man-hater’ in this house. I did explain to my mother once that this is not in fact true…it’s just that since then not much has changed, i’ve mostly focused on my studies and work etc., so i feel like until i won’t have actual ‘proof’ that i do indeed like girls neither she nor me will really believe it. That’s also the real reason why i don’t really feel comfortable in stating to people hey i’m gay cause i don’t want to go to all that trouble to then be ‘wrong’.

Some things are looking up though since i was in another country for a month and i was able to go to a lesbian meet up, sadly my stay that should’ve been much longer was cut short so i couldn’t go to more than two, but still i’m going back in july and hopefully i’ll be able to go to the pride there! This week too i plan on going to the Rome pride, but i’d be going alone so i’ll have to see if i actually can or not. Either way, i’m finally trying to actively get out there and truly figure myself out by surrounding myself with people i actually want to be surrounded with, which is not easy since i’ve always been very socially anxious and battling depression, another reason why, unlike someone else, even when i did live in a big city i never went out anyway. 

Basically, the people around me would most likely be cool if i had a girlfriend, but it’s the all-around restricted mentality and way of life here that makes it impossible to be truly open and feel like yourselfr. I’m stepping up though. 

asks for pride month

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L.C. Cooke, 1932-2017

L.C. and I always called each other on our almost-shared birthday.

It was always great to talk to L.C. He had a positive word for, and about, everyone. How’s your Dad? he would say. Give your wife a kiss for me. Grandkids doing good? That’s good. It was just his nature.

If you met L.C., you might think you were meeting his older (by 23 months) brother, Sam. Like Sam, he was charming, talented, outgoing, and thoughtful (L.C., he said, which in fact was his full Christian name, stood for “Loads of Charm”) – but he wasn’t Sam. He was L.C., and he knew it. If you asked him how he was doing, he declared, “I’m better than good.”

He was, as I say, one of the warmest and most gracious people you’d ever want to meet. Also, one of the most truth-telling. Nothing was ever prettified or embroidered. Nothing ever changed in his account. And he was always able to paint a picture, right down to the last vivid, eidetic detail. Because, without ever saying anything negative about anybody (there was only one person I ever heard L.C. speak ill of, and he was quick to point out that was the only one), he was a keen observer, an appreciative student of human nature, who didn’t believe in leaving anything out. “What’d you tell that man that for?” his sister Agnes said of some R-rated scene he had recounted to me for my biography of Sam. L.C. just shrugged. “Because it’s the truth,” he said.  To L.C., a deeply religious man, who was a member of Christ Universal Temple, where his wife, Marjorie, served as assistant minister, for over fifty years, there was nothing alien in the human experience – which meant there was nothing to be ashamed of either.

There was unquestionably a cocky side to him, too. (L.C. would have called it confidence – though I’ll bet he would have accepted “cockiness.”) You could see it in his walk, hear it in his talk. And like all the Cooks (Sam added the “e”), he was not going to allow himself to get pushed around. He and his brothers and sisters had been taught by their father never to shrink from a challenge – whether it was from the cop on the beat or the massed forces of Jim Crow. It got him in trouble in the army, where he was almost court-martialed for defying the accepted rules of segregation. You could see it surface occasionally – but only occasionally – when he felt he was being disrespected. In situations like that, whether public or private, he was not about to back down. But you rarely got to see it – it was reserved for that rare moment when his charm failed to deflect what he perceived as a direct affront.

When I first met the family in Chicago in 1996 – I had known L.C. at that point for several years, but this was the first chance I got to meet his four living brothers and sisters and his 98-year-old father – I was so overwhelmed by the experience that I told L.C., “Man, I want to be a Cook.”  “Okay,” said L.C., without seeming to give the matter a whole lot of reflection, “you are.” I said, “L.C., you can’t just speak for the whole family, can you? Don’t you have to consult with anyone else?” He looked at me like I must be crazy. “Naw, I’m the head man now,” he said. “You’re my brother.” And while I don’t really know how anyone else in the family felt about it, I felt great. And I still do.

For as long as I knew him, L.C. was pretty much of a homebody. He had long since stopped performing, and while he maintained all of his far-flung show-business connections (L.C. knew everybody, and everybody knew L.C.), he never showed any interest in returning to the life he had led. He cherished his friends. He cherished his family. He cherished his memories. And he cherished his wife, Margie, whom he met when her family had a restaurant on the South Side that all the r&b singers frequented. The church, while always important, became more and more so in later years. At his funeral at Christ Universal the story was told of how he became an usher, a position of great respect, when he started going to prayer meetings and, after a number of invitations, offered up a prayer. When he finished, everyone was in agreement, they wouldn’t need to have church now, because, after L.C.’s comprehensive praying, they had already had it. As an usher, he was given the honorary title of “Bishop,” the same as his father, a prominent evangelist in the Church of Christ (Holiness), and he wore it proudly until his death.

In his last years he suffered from a debilitating condition which left him in a wheelchair, but with the help of Margie and his good friend, “Junior” Mayfield, he remained undaunted in spirit, dedicated to his rehabilitation, and to the end he never gave up the hope that someday he might walk again. “You don’t ever have to check up on anything I tell you,” he said the first time we met. “Because I’m going to tell it to you the same every time.” And he expected me to hold up my end of the bargain, too. “Didn’t I tell you that before?” he would say with some exasperation, when I tested my own understanding of the story from time to time. “Thank you.”

The only time I ever had reason to question his total reliability not just as a family chronicler but as a social historian arose when we were looking at a bunch of family photographs supplied by his sister Agnes. “That’s Sam!” L.C. said proudly, holding up a picture of a young boy in a button-up sweater, with a kerchief around his neck. A year or two later, when my friend Susan Marsh was designing the book, she said, “That looks an awful lot like L.C. to me,” and Alexandra thought so, too. “Well, they were brothers, weren’t they?” I said. “I mean, they did kind of look alike.” At Susan’s insistence, though, I went back to L.C., and was met with the predictable reaction, which fell somewhere between indignation and hurt. “Man, I already told you that was Sam,” he said. Which necessarily settled the matter. But then, not long after the book came out, I was talking with Agnes, and she asked me why I had labeled the boy in the picture as Sam, when anyone could plainly see it was L.C.  I told her that her brother had been very emphatic on the subject. Agnes just laughed. “That fool don’t know his own self,” she said. But, of course, he did, with perhaps that single inexplicable exception. And he laughed about it afterwards, reluctantly conceding that Agnes was right.

I can still hear his liltingly assertive voice, the seductive rhythms of his speech. I will always recall his warm smile, that warm laugh. And I think about when his debut SAR album came out in 2014, fifty years after it had been completed and announced for release just before Sam’s death. (SAR was the label Sam started to record some of the artists he most admired both in gospel and pop, artists like the Sims Twins, Johnnie Taylor, Bobby Womack, and the Soul Stirrers.) What was revelatory about hearing so much of L.C.’s early work all gathered together on one disc was not how much L.C. sounded like Sam (everyone already knew that) but how much he possessed a voice of his own. “Sam wanted me to be different from anybody. He wanted me to stand out alone,” L.C. said, and even though Sam wrote most of the songs and produced all of the SAR sessions, it is L.C.’s voice that comes through most of all: jaunty, buoyant, upbeat, but more than capable, as it turns out, of really bearing down on a deep-soul classic like “Put Me Down Easy.”

He started out at the age of five singing bass with his brothers and sisters in the family group, the Singing Children. He sang with Lou Rawls in a teenage gospel group, the Holy Wonders, and met Elvis Presley at the WDIA Goodwill Revue in Memphis when he was singing with the Magnificents in 1956. (“You’re not related to Sam Cooke, are you?” Elvis said with almost awestruck wonder, at a time when Sam was still singing gospel with the Soul Stirrers and scarcely anyone in white America knew his name.) Even after L.C. stopped performing professionally, he might still sing occasionally with old friends at informal gospel singing reunions or events like Lou Rawls’ 2006 funeral. When the album came out, he relished the attention that both he and the music were getting, without ever being tempted by the numerous offers to perform that came his way. Talking to him about the album just before it came out, I asked if he had any favorites, and of course he named “Put Me Down Easy” as one. But it was his own, self-penned “If I Could Only Hear,” recorded for Chess just before he started recording for his brother’s label, that he felt represented him best. “It was probably the best song I ever did in my life,” he said. “To me. You know, sometimes you cut a song and you listen. You say, ‘I could have done that better.’ But ‘If I Could Only Hear’ – if I had sung that song for 100 years, I couldn’t have done that song no better than what I did. That’s always been my favorite song. And I think you all will agree.”

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Forgiving Brad Pt. II

I don’t know where to begin with how stupid the whole thing was. I was talking to guy that I had never met. Speaking to him about “forever,” when I had not really given up on the chance of meeting someone else. I wasn’t altogether sure about Brad or his love for me and admittedly, I was seeing other people, right up to the moment I got to really hold him close. That’s hard for me to admit because it was a constant source of shame with me and Brad later. I didn’t want to be a cheater. I wanted to mean exactly what I meant when it came to us however, fidelity is a two way street and as I would later come to learn, I wasn’t the only one playing. We’ll get to that later.

I was still living at home and I remember my mom asking me why I was on the phone so much. I didn’t know how to tell her that I was talking to a man behind bars, a thousand miles away, almost ten years my senior, with 3 kids, a step kid and currently married. Oh, did I forget to mention the kids? Yeah, so did he for a while. When I finally did get the nerve to tell her, deep concern and disappointment came across her face. I still hear her voice, “Don’t you have any respect for yourself?” I was offended and hurt but in hindsight it was a valid question. Did I? What did I know about self-love and respect at that age? As rebellion goes, I went along my own way, setting aside the worry that I was bringing down on my mom. She had witnessed the emotional toll that being with Tony took on me and understandably, was worried that I would fall deeper still with Brad. She was right to worry.

I had become more and more dependent on contact with him. Despite having worthy, free men around that were interested in me, I gravitated towards that which was an unknown. It just seemed more fun and unexpected. Brad would call and I would listen. He didn’t really ask a whole lot about me and when he did, I didn’t really know what to say. I was prettified of being myself. Scared that I would say one wrong thing and the whole relationship would come apart. Because it had in the past, especially with him. At this point in my life, I hadn’t mastered using the word, “no.” So everything he asked for, everything that he wanted, I acquired and did. If it meant putting money on his books or ordering a package, writing to him every chance I got, I did it because I wanted to show, in the only way I could, that I did love him. How could I love someone and still go on dates with other guys, you ask? I was young, dumb and full of cum. That’s the best way to describe how. It wasn’t healthy. It wasn’t right. But it was what I knew.

Days before I was to embark on my journey to visit Brad, I was beginning to get second thoughts. I was scared to meet him. What if he didn’t like me? What if I was too fat or too ugly or not at all what he imagined? All these superficial thoughts that I wish I could go back and shake myself into believing were false. I was enough. I was beautiful and could do so much better. But even if time could bend itself and allow me to visit that week, I still don’t think my stubborn ass would take the goddamn hint. I lied to my mom about where I was really going. I had created this whole story that I was going to visit a friend from college but looking into my mother’s eyes, I knew she knew and she let me tell my story anyway. She had tears in her eyes and with a defeated smile, she handed me a rosary and said to keep it close so I was always protected. She held me so tight, I could feel her body pleading with mine not to go. I pulled away softly, kissed her on the cheeks and began the journey with the rosary in hand.

I was anxious the whole time. From the drive to the airport, the flight, to the drive to Rancho Cordova where I had found a reasonably priced room for the weekend. The whole thing drove me into a constant flurry of butterflies. It was chilly. I hadn’t really prepared for that. So when we landed I immediately regretted not packing a thicker sweater. It was still 85 degrees in Arizona, a balmy fall for us and had no idea what to expect from northern California. I suspect the weather should have been the foreshadowing I was looking for. In any case, I also lacked the preparedness of any responsible adult. I finally got to the room it was late but I was more awake than ever. Every possible scenario came to my mind. I didn’t want to be late. I didn’t want to delay our visit. I wanted as much time as I could have to be with him. So, I laid my clothes out for the following morning and practiced every potential conversation in the mirror like a hopeless school girl. I attempted to choreograph every coy smile and eye lash flutter before finally resting my head for the night.

It was still dark when I left the room in the morning and a thick layer of frost had collected on the windshield overnight. Using my driver’s license, I desperately scraped what I could from the glass, got into the car with cold red hands, and typed the directions to Folsom prison into the GPS. Fifteen minutes is what the GPS projected for my travel. In 15 minutes, I’d be at Folsom. My heart began to race faster and faster as the estimated time of arrival became closer in synch with reality. I couldn’t believe I had come this far. So many what ifs. So much of our relationship was marked with questions. I tried to get lost in the scenery. All the green made me feel so relaxed and grounded. Then, I saw the sign to Folsom Prison. The peace came to a screeching halt. I was almost there.

I made my left and followed a long winding road up to the visitor’s center where a handful of women were already waiting. When I parked the car, I felt a chill of exhilaration. Like a shock had jolted me into motion. I wasn’t afraid of anything. I only wanted to see him. I made my way up to join the other women. They all knew one another. It was the same comradery that I witnessed when visiting Tony. They had been here before to support their loved ones but me? I was out of place. I was new to them. One lady did ask me if it was my first time at Folsom, to which I replied, “Yes.” She let me know that some guards are funny about pretty girls. “They’ll hold you up if you look too good.” I didn’t know what that meant but I nodded and thanked her for the advice. Thankfully, that wasn’t a problem at this visit.

It was time to walk up to the gate and what was most heartbreaking, as a visitor going there, is how much the main gate looks like a castle. The beautiful gray stone only made more prominent under and overcast sky, is one image I won’t forget. They began to check us in and almost like unfortunate poetry, it began to rain. It was a good 50 yards or so from the security check in to the visiting area and I was wearing flats and a light cardigan when it began to really come down. The only thing that kept me from busting my ass on that cobblestone was faith and a will to get to a dry place. When I made it to the covered patio I took one deep breath and waited for the doors to open. Like a flood, men in blue looked eagerly passed me to their families. God my heart was beating so fast. I didn’t see him. I turned away for a second and when I came back to center, there he was. There was that smile. I was soaked and a mess but he scooped me up and held me so close I forgot where I was. I instantly felt his warmth and I didn’t want to let go. It was then, at our first “hello” that I knew our goodbye was gonna hurt like hell.

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