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the-reactionist · 6 years ago

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i am alone andi am scapegoating you again;

you’re not lone and you don’t stand for wht being alone feels like; you’re always surrounded by people so you never face that scary part of life

i am bitter in my chest; i don’t know wht exactly theemotion i process is but i am lead to believe it’s the self inflicted sexual abuse/rpe trauma

i feel i am to blame for that because i let it happen - it is painful; although i love myselfand what to heal; i feel greatcompassion of life, or prob my higher self consciousness for making such choice for me because in a peceful way i have become much less egocentric and have come to understand subconsciouss truma patterns of rape victims and the bruised sacred feminine in the entire world - tht is complicated oe to put into words but i will, someday

i have loved my self so much as to bruise my own self and experience the cycle of inevitable compassion for the villain, that lead me to realizing i did this act that hs scared me through the years, out of pure love and desire for truth; because it is in this way that i continued to move through life as nothig ever happened, and at this way that i din’t match being molested more than i would have being i had my blooming sexuality about me, undisturbed; in a twisted way, i kept myself safefrom suffering much more and deeper; because i could have been brutally raped and muredered by now; my sexual strenghthis too strong ad people want to own it and then when im not interested or protect myself, want to beat and destroy me; and if they are psycically male, and me female, they usually do............

this is the worldwide feminiity problem; men are beating and rapingwomen [or else the male is beating femle aspects] from ceturies and it is usafe being yourself; i feel enormous pressure because of that.....

i am not wanted to succeed in life - i am desired to fail.... it is too painful, i ca’t cpntinue with that

i was benevolet enough to myself to rape my own self because i am the only person i could forgive for raping me - my master consciousness split and decided this - i remember tht vividly in my childhood; it was magical, very real and powerful; so i am grand being; i cpome from tibet and feel associted with shaolin as well;;;;

in rapintg my self i put aline to what i wanted to subcosciouslly attract in my life, even to what type of trauma; so i wanted to preserve myself for marridhe; to this day i havent been in a romantic relationship but i foud a boy i feel matches me so much he is like the twin flme concept to my energy; this is painful because it just brings light to all problems i see or feel within and i have toovercome them in self love if i am to manifest a relationship and baby with him... i think this is our contract - it is too beautiful to go into for now - but its like the buddhist boddhisvatha oths that if i don’t ttain self-love i had better nevr be loved and dored by anyoe who is lesser tha my complete desire; and this boy feels like mout everest to me; i know i could conquer him but i need to persist and try, and i like that; i see it as path to growth for both of us; i am his master in endurance, nd he is mine in non-deep, not-lsting connection - physical, sexual bindings to crete a child

teal says her woumb is wounded; i feel mine, too; and its scarred by the consciousness of abuse on this plaet that i ecplored by sticking a marker pen inside me to pleasure myself as a teenger and i felt completely empty and lacking closeness, humanity and connection, whe i sw tyhe bloody traces of my hymen and thought about my first time super awfully bitterly - i wish i hd shared that ; this is the most bautiful thing girl cnhare with boys; but i didn’t ; i [revented myselffrom getting to it, even though i used to be desired by bys then, s i am now - by those whom i esire strongly;

but there is pain ehind that one too; because i have bee - in previouslifetimes - been scarred and abused by going deep into a sexual act with boys and then regretting it and spiralling into drkness when they leave me out of ferof the intensity of my desire - it is desire for death; it is primal; woman has it ; desire to bare children and to kill the ego self in prenthood; nobody teaches youngsters how to do that now so men are scared of women because they are oblivious to their msculinity; they live by pederastic standards that governed ancient rome - the most corrupt society in ancient hystory; pederastic worldview revolves arund pleasure and pederastic males held desdain for women and procreation - this is the seed to self destructive natuure we see manifested in relity; this obviouslly is actually helpfulas it builds chracter; i am now into studyig samurai warriors and red about their frequent homosexual contacts and exploration of that purer for of love as they would put it; nd it is; i wodr why woman can’t feel that honorable and respectful to men and procreation be this ct of murual trust and bonding; it is not too much; that was the original design

i have read a lot and have a lot to share; i want to talk to you to show you my cultural perspective on what life is about; i am more at peace because i have that, and not a spiritual perspective on life.... not the outof earth and body mumbo jumbo; an embodied art from type ofliving and existence; i feel i want to be kicked out of teal tribe forever, like i got banned from the general fb group; because i am connected to teal but her resistence to shdows isharming my existence and my life prctically - i was put in psyciatries seven times; i dont feel like expaiig the logic behind this clainm now but life is better without that what she carries within her yet she is afraud to face - the deep programming by the deqath cult leader that she is demonic and devilish; i ee through it with pain and by going at her problems with openness and love; but she is not resolving this for years and it hurts ME; directly; an di need her to help me with other pain; so i am targeting her needs first in irder to get her capable of holding space for my needs and desired freedom; it’s complex;

the problem with that is teal’s self blame; this is a stage so she will get over it but i cant wait; i could when i was in contact with my twin flame but now i have nothing and i just need support; i cant live alone; life is meaningless for me without me in it. i said it

#shine #a #light

i come from Japan/Tibet/Mongolia...

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