#probably partially because of that lol. anyway i'm gonna go and. space out thinking of him probably okay bye

[saltynsassy31]

Alright randomizer baby

24, 2, 17

I know I said I was going to sleep but I HAD to answer this gkdksksks

So I already answered number 2, which I'll be linking it here

17. How well do they communicate? Are they open with their feelings/thoughts or more reserved? Why?

I'm pretty sure I don't have to go in too deep with Shady cuz....I mean just look at him, but I will anyway

He's very much so reserved, no Duh, he isn't the type to easily open up, very distant and almost cold, but he isn't against the idea of opening up more, that is especially true once Mitsuami showed up.

But it didn't mean it was easy, it still isn't, he doesn't open up about a lot and Mitsuami made it her mission to pick up the non verbal signs of anything to help him out if he's struggling, it just isn't his thing, he likes his space, he's used to it by now, he chose this life in a way.

Mitsuami is a lot more open and communicates a lot more of her frustrations, not hesitating to lean in a friend if she needs to, or in this case, her boyfriend. If she had a bad day she'd immediately tell Shady about it and he'd listen

I think despite Shady's silancd, they communicate pretty well, partially because of Mitsuami's openess and she'd immediately tell him when something is bothering her.

I struggle a little with making Mitsuami's personality, because she seems to be very bold and open, very extroverted, but then there is her shyness to turf, I think it's like stage fright though, you can be a very extroverted person, but put you in a sea of audience and you'll freeze up, so i think Mitsuami's a very bold person when it comes to personal relationships, showing to be quite trusting of her friends so id assume the same for her boyfriend lol

24. How do their personalities affect their relationship? Do their characteristics compliment each other, or clash often?

Hmmm this one's been hinting at in a lot of the replies so far

But their personalities kinda balances things out a lot? The one that talks and the one that listens basically, that's how their dynamic works

But I do think it also kind of clashes a lot? Mostly on the physical aspect. While shady is touch avoidant, Mitsuami is touched starved, so there has been a bit of friction in their relationship over that.

But that aside, they fit in like a puzzle piece almost XD, opposite attracts after all, Mitsuami is an energetic girl and Shady a silent, distant guy, there isn't too much into that fjdjsjsak

Idk I probably shouldn't be typing this at 12:22am, but who's gonna stop me? I don't have school tomorrow, so no one hehehehe

Anyways, thanks again for letting me ramble about them again! :D

[hot-take-tournament]

sorry if my take sounds deeply incomprehensible i just kept going back on submitting it and knew if i didn’t ramble it all out in one take i was gonna chicken out again LMAO

don't worry about it at all!

i think an incoherent infodump every once in a while is good for the soul!

look, if we're being totally candid -

i have pretty severe adhd comorbid with bipolar disorder, which i do my best to mask - yeah yeah, i know you're not supposed to, but i doubt i'll ever truly shake the shame, especially given the things i've done as a result of failing to mask, both online and irl (the latter being much, much worse) - so i've resolved to do it for the rest of my life

i did talk a little bit about what i was like on my main blog here, which you might need for context:

(speaking of which, please don't actually follow or even go to my main blog just because you like this one - i'm 100% fucking serious. i'm a very different person over there to the point of being almost unrecognisable, even to myself - and i guarantee that side of myself wouldn't recognise me either; we're like two parts of a very fucked up whole. so for that reason i want to keep these two blogs separate; like i said, i'm bipolar, so that's where i let the venom out, and when i feel joyful again, i come back here. i'm more active here anyway, to the point where i basically consider this my main blog now - i mean, my bio isn't even up to date over there)

the point is although i plan to mask for the rest of my life, even i'm partial to an unprompted infodump or oversharing session every once in a while

that's the reason i want this blog to be a safe place for people to vent/infodump/just share their wildest takes anonymously, while still having a little fun by making it a tournament - it's partly to atone in a cringe kinda way, but also because this dumbass site has actually been a huge source of support in some of the darker points in my life

it's almost ironic in a weird way - i spent so much time targeting other people for their mental health problems, but when i had some of my own i came crawling back to those same people. maybe karma does exist lol

no, i didn't ever interact with any of them; but just lurking on their blogs and reading their posts helped normalise what i was going through when i felt so alone after receiving my diagnosis; though it was always in the back of my mind that maybe a year earlier i would've seen those same posts and done my level best to make them feel like shit for it just for the sake of a little dopamine hit

i'm a proud airhead, but i'm not naive - i'm not going to lie to you and say that tumblr is a safe space, partly because nowhere on the internet is safe, partly because i've read some of your takes and they terrify me, but mostly because i'm living proof of how awful this site can be

but i do want to at least create one semi-safe place on the internet after ruining so many other people's

jesus i'm fucking crying that's new lol

anyway sorry for taking your incoherent infodump and exchanging it with one of my own, that's probably more info about me than you ever wanted to know

but i hope this provides a little context for why i decided to start this blog

the point i was actually trying to make, because i'm pretty sure i never actually responded to what you were saying - never feel embarassed to submit anything! trust me, i totally get it; but i promise, even when i make jokes about some unhinged takes, it's all light-hearted, and if it ever comes across otherwise, please let me know! <3 <3 <3

i'm gonna take a quick break, i'll catch up with you all again later

[unproduciblesmackdown]

i'm here for your Jare and Lana Thoughts

hmm i’m not good at like, coming up with concrete ideas/hcs, or at recalling anything, but yeah they should get to be friends

i mean we don’t know that alana has Any friends, and really even pre-act 2, evan is not an amazing friend to jared, and even if things were better re: that relationship, it’s not really ideal to for jared to have one single friend anyways.......and, again, evan’s not exactly the perfect friend and like, even though i think anyone taking any real note of the material realizes that jared and evan’s relationship being not very close or great at this juncture is a two-way street, it’s easily arguable that evan’s a worse friend to jared in canon than jared is to him. so like, if jared’s gonna have One Friend lol tbh it would be great if he and alana could become friends and like, have someone to hang out with and just have a chill time being Not Alone for once and not having to feel like they have to be maintaining this perfect performance at all times or be dropped

really like it’s a great concept to just imagine them getting to spend time together doing totally unremarkable average Hanging Out stuff.......do homework together sometimes instead of alone in their respective bedrooms, spend time together on the weekend and play video games / watch a movie, just do some chill shit that gives them the chance to have conversations and share interests and personal info and just like, get used to feeling more relaxed in this person’s presence and like this is a real friendship......maybe they spend time together in canon doing tcp stuff ever but we were never shown it, and that’s a bit of a transition from being mostly strangers (distant acquaintances) to being Sort Of friends / at least being more familiar with each other......and maybe they can become closer After the tcp heyday, like, presumably in the timeskip-and-beyond part of things.....like, yeah there's the issue of everything that happened re: tcp and how jared knows more about the inside story while maybe alana just suspects, and natch i don't think jared would be willing to share that Inside Story if only because we all know that he and evan are mutually protecting each other forever, but also i don't think that like, thoroughly discussing the tcp stuff is absolutely crucial to jared and alana getting to be friends. for one thing, they probably can't have gotten That close during tcp, since by act 2 jared is apparently not super involved, and for another thing i think by the finale times both alana and jared might Both just be wanting to pretty much like, move on from all the tcp stuff.

also like, really i don't remember if jared's Extracurriculars like model u.n. was from pre-bway content and/or if it was from "cherrypicking anything worthwhile from the novel" content lol, but also stuff like being a camp counselor can't be completely effortless, and as someone who isn't too close to his parents and for whomst, at least at one point, theoretically, his car insurance being paid was tied to him doing stuff his mom wants him to do e.g. Be Nice To Evan, i get the idea that maybe jared does some academic / extracurricular stuff at least partially with the motivation of staying in the good graces of his parents and other adults / being Approved of via those routes of like, performing well at various Set Tasks like "get good grades" "be in model u.n." "be nice to evan, theoretically, according to jared himself" and etc........anyways this is a really roundabout way to get to "alana might be engaged in like, structured / approved Tasks as a means to being supported, not in the exact same way as jared is but with enough of a parallel that he Understands it".....like, i think yeah we can deduce that alana is kind of Studious or at least cares about her academic performance, but people like, forget that she's Not just doing everything for her college applications, and that most of what the focus is on is alana doing Extracurricular stuff that's more involved with / focused on Local Community than just like, school......she's talking about what she did over the summer, which is sure inherently Not stuff for school, and tcp is only partly about the school, and isn't Academic.......alana probably sees Community Involvement as a means to support / connection / positive attention, which is a bit different from jared who like, yeah might be kinda on that wavelength in Disappear thru Ywbf, but also it might be mostly "oh i can be in this group with evan and alana"......jared mostly seems to regard Attention From Anyone Else as something potentially negative, even though of course he doesn't want to Not get any attention, so on the one hand he's trying to get ahead of that Potential Negative Attention by trying to establish his own Role as [i'm the jokes boy] and be able to Deflect attention away from himself, or at least from whatever aspects of himself he doesn't want to have anyone focus on / question, and he seems to have an even more Defensive approach re: adults (i.e. "literally nothing i tell my parents is true") and it's easy to imagine that he sees it as like, as long as he Does This Checklist of Tasks He's Supposed To Do, e.g. "get decent grades" / "do some extracurriculars (i'm just remembering model u.n. was from Prior Versions Of The Show b/c it was related to that perjury thing and being the ambassador of luxembourg)" / etc and Adults Will Leave Him Alone Entirely Maybe........alana of course doesn't really wanna be left alone, but also she's more focused on her Peers than adults as well, ppl mischaracterizing her as like, only caring about grades & Rules & generally being a killjoy.........but natch if she Is trying to get good grades and Is involving herself in a lot of projects academic or extracurricular or unaffiliated with school at all, and there's gonna be more Work involved in that, and probably hanging out with her will involve doing work Parallel to each other, or at least, alana doing work while you do whatever.......and i think jared would Get that and wouldn't be like, "why are you boring" lol......out here down to bond with evan over basically a writing project......having Computer Skills which he presumably honed / hones on his own time.........this is a mess but im basically getting to "jared wouldn't think alana is boring or anything and would understand pursuing Something through the routes of Projects and Commitments and Approved Activities" look i'm phrasing everything terribly but if i don't just get shit down i'll never answer this ask

meanwhile i think alana would think jared is funny, which is nice b/c despite jared trying to be Humorous evan doesn't act very interested or like he's like "jared you're hilarious and i love that about you" lmao like. obviously people interpret jared's Attitude as like omg so uncaring he has no feelings he also has no problems b/c he Takes Nothing Seriously (which obviously. Humor / demeanor doesn't necessarily reflect taking whatever "seriously" or not.) and maybe evan's misinterpreting it too, but even if he Knows better re: how jared really feels about things, he's not exactly trying to engage with him about it any other way, so.......anyways alana thought connor's terrible joke from probably a while back is funny so. she'd probably Genuinely be like "haha good one jared" and jared would get to be like :o :o :o whoa i made a joke and someone reacted......natch jared's also just trying to like, Provoke evan into paying attention to him sometimes with his Humour / being able to comment on Real Shit without giving away his Real Feelings but like, probably not the ideal form of communication, and jared's out here @ connor like "it was a joke" so he'd probably be fine if any other students like, reacted to his jokes as jokes.........and alana could. also she might Joke sometimes in return lol

there Is that bit of an issue where yeah alana having a tendency to just Take The Lead on things where jared has a tendency to just like, back off if he isn't expressly given space in the first place or if he's pushed back, and this isn't Ideal obviously but like, he and alana don't have to interact via Working On Projects Together alone, especially not tcp, and it'd be an inherently different dynamic if they were interacting solely due to being Friends / wanting to hang out for no especial reason vs interacting to work on something together........and i don't think alana would Want a friendship to be the same as "someone she works on a project with" like, as far as we know in canon, alana only has Acquaintances and jared ends up losing his one friend, so i think if alana and jared become closer later on / start this new Actual Friendship between themselves, alana wouldn't want it to feel the same as like, being involved in tcp together (and neither would jared), and i also don't think jared would necessarily want it to feel like his friendship with evan, which natch wasn't going great, particularly not in those final months l o l .......even though both of them being Friendless would probably make them somewhat eager to make One Friend, they both got burned by their attempts to Get Closer To People (or A Person in jared's case lol) ("everyone needed it for something" like okayyy if you say so, guess we Are just forgetting about alana and jared's existence), and they might not exactly be raring to go about [Obtaining Friendship] the same way again. and since they both had a pretty Transactional approach to getting positive attention (i.e. jared helping evan out and doing shit for him, alana doing the same and presumably doing the bulk of the tcp work when evan ingeniously held jared at arm's length instead of having him more involved but then kind of peaced out of the project himself) it'd probably be nice for alana to have someone who seems to like being around her without it being due to any of the work she does / has done, whereas jared probably doesn't wanna be The Guy Who Helps Out and is only talked to for that purpose..............and them both having a friend who they Didn't make / keep via their respective wtaw-type approaches to things is probably gonna be encouraging re: the fact that yknow, they don't have to put on that certain Performance of what they think people might want from them / people might find Acceptable from them........and of course if they spend more time together they'll get more used to the other / learn about them, and probably ~Learn About Themselves~ since they're finally getting to like, Not be putting on a performance for someone / feeling like they have to play some specific role to be liked or whatever

and like, alana isn't just all Boring and incapable of having fun or comprehending what that is........i like soph's hc that she loves karaoke, jared could tag along and be the audience lol and it's just like, hey we can just have fun together doing shit for fun and not like, feeling like you're having to prove your worth to the other person all the time, just having some confidence that the other person likes you for who you are and they can relax and actually enjoy it

naturally i like the idea that alana and jared become friends (or better friends) in college........the rest of senior year has to be Not A Great Time and just generally more fraught than usual for them, and they could stand to have the summer before college to kinda take a breath (but also maybe feel worried about college) but then yknow once college starts they're In college and it's different from hs (and better), and it being a Different environment with Different people and a Different structure can also help them just like, get more comfortable with themselves and maybe (hopefully) feel more capable of pursuing stuff they really wanna do and just overall be having a better time than, say, in senior year of high school.....would sure be convenient if they went to the same one of course. lol. hang out all the time on campus / between classes, go to Social Occasions together, be in the same dorm / just keep hanging out at each other's, etc

also just like, on its own, i always like the idea of jared also being able to Make Friends / have decent, positive, accepting Social Interactions via joining a club / being involved in some extracurricular type shit, where he Can be comfortable like "oh i'm here to Do Some Tasks so i get to be part of this group of people just by signing up, not by everyone else deciding they want me around" and then yknow, be spending time with this group of people that way, end up hanging out at various points kind of branching off of whatever Tasks are being done, and sort of gradually realize that people Don't Dislike him and can then catch on that maybe he has some potential friends here.........it's fun to think of him doing like, tech work for theatre, and also in the midst of all these theatre people he can like, fully realize Oh I'm Gay (and maybe get to fully process what went down there re: evan and his own Heartbreak there, like the fact that it Was heartbreak).......and to add the idea of Alana Being Friends with him during college, maybe a) she can hang out over in the theatre area sometimes while he's doing whatever and work on her own stuff but also get to interact with everyone else who might be around and b) if he gets any comp tickets she can get one and c) idk she can maybe also be Directly involved in helping out sometimes......

and also anyways getting all the way to This Point in the answer before mentioning that like, of course both jared and alana are gay and maybe haven't figured this out entirely by the events of Canon but sure could during college and could be each other's Supportive Friend, naturally if one of them figures it out first the other one is like wow great i'm such an Ally of that, boy it feels really great to Know i have a gay friend actually, b/c i'm Such An Ally......and then figuring it out for themself as well lmao like aha. hope they don't think i'm copying them lol...........also the one Jared And Alana "Dating" idea i permit is that maybe back in the day when neither of them were Aware of their own gayness they like, vibed with each other and were like "hmm is this Having A Crush?" and "dated" awkwardly for like a month or two or something (or less lol)......naturally they could've had this sort of experience with Anyone but like, the sort of underlying thing that the Affinity they mistook for "i wanna date this person" was them rly having the potential to be good friends and have a significant relationship that way. but then them having this real awkward "dating" experience probably would delay that for at least a little bit lmao like avoiding each other b/c even if it sure was just like, a not-that-dramatic mutual breakup, it's still uncomfortable and it's like "why didn't this work out at all"............but yeah the important part is they're gay and they're friends and if they are also good friends while they're figuring out the Being Gay stuff for themselves then that's just nice for them.....have this person be supportive and glad for you........

also and yknow there's the idea of "what if jared and evan start to make up in College Times and possibly kleinsen happens" and obviously being back in touch with evan would be both fraught for jared and alana even if they're in this place where it's easier to extend him some grace here, but they'd sure understand each other's misgivings and trepidation here even if they don't really lay out each and every Detail of like "yeah here's why and how i was hurt back in the day in tcp times".......and yknow, for jared it wouldn't have to be like "wow after i lost evan i've had No Friends and having him back in my life would mean i'm not completely alone anymore," which might help him take his time in contemplating / reflecting upon the situation lol. and who knows, alana might be down to accept an apology as well at least or something. but regardless of that concept Yeah jared and alana getting to be friends in college would be cool for both of them.

these are all broad sweeping concepts lmao instead of like any fun details or specific events / scenarios lol but yeah here are some Thoughts.......a real tl;dr is that it'd be nice if like, overall, both jared and alana felt like they had some more space in college to figure themselves out and feel less pressure to fit some precise role that will win them approval, and they find some Connection through each other and get to share that like, Figuring Themselves Out territory while being friends and getting some emotional support from each other, and they are gay

[raygothops]

12/17/21

Here we go again (I think the song is animals by neon trees - autistic brains are truly special).

Ah the first post since being officially diagnosed with autism, but not my first autistic post cause I've been on the spectrum the entire time lol Anna says I can come off of it possibly in the future and says she has extensive experience with neurodivergent kids, which I believe, but someone's autism just deactivating just seems so wild to me.

So I guess I need to do this stuff to get it off my chest but dang the fatigue feels different these days than at Wash U. The principle that I had then, that I don't want to waver on now though, is that I never slept on negative emotions. Scratch that, I have broken that rule, and maybe that's been damaging me. I only have one post since the pandemic started even though the pandemic has been the MOST challenging phase of my life by far. That's probably a failure on my part. I did go public with my struggles partially on purpose, and partially cause I forgot about this place. This is the only type of journal I'll ever have. I don't write every day, so why not use my least-visited platform as a virtual journal anyway? Only like 5 people ever will see this anyway.

It is interesting that none of my people on here have ever reached out directly about a post, but my prior are very understanding here, they're probably just allowing the virtual space to yell (even though this is to be read in my normal voice). I guess a safe space lets you release anything and that's what I do here.

I'm not mentally pressed as in my other marathon post but I'm gonna write anyway and get things out my mind. I guess I've already been practicing that with this whole social network rebuild. I hate it, but I can't confidently say it isn't helping. I'm not scared to admit it is working, but with this pandemic, is hard to interpret and weigh almost any social interaction and relationship. Or maybe that's my struggle on the spectrum.

I consider myself on the spectrum just because of how relatively mild my symptoms are but hey, regardless I got what I got. Dang I'm tired but I'll ride till I can't no more (y'all know that reference).

Girls. Kayla is still the angel across the country, and it's hard to think anyone wants to be in a romantic relationship with me, and my unusual body language doesn't help. I don't know what to make of Lexi, some days she's ready to pivot and others, she's just... Lexi. There's no one that I can picture in Miami except maybe Ranique but she almost definitely doesn't want that. Jay is interesting. She's friendly and her parents know, but she spent maybe 8 minutes cuddled with my arm at dinner with her parents two chairs away 😅 her friend who I had apparently met before, is pretty and also in Miami, but I don't know how old and not any real chemistry either. Not that I feel I deserve anyone with my on and off porn desires. Maybe if I chose Tumblr over Twitter more often, I might be doing a lot better. But that has been changing genuinely and I think God sees my heart. I'm not trying to do or support that, and I need to have a hard line with that stuff again. It's just not it. Oh there was Alexia but I'm quite sure my hug messed that up. Definitely need an Adventist girl but God is on that... I hope. It's not guaranteed by it would be tough if God had me doing this thing in the path of Mom. I need more companionship. Emphasis on need.

School is eh: these shelves are whatever, I'm over the test hype. I just want success so I can progress to changing the world and the lives of those around me. We all have phones anyway, I'm just gonna cut it there.

God, I gotta be better. It's that's simple, give me the ability to do that.

God what is 2022 gonna be? Who and what will you have for me? I hope this trip pretty much starts the year right. But it's looking to shape up like my other trips. I sincerely hope not. I want to see and hold my girls. Hugging almost feels like an understatement, I want to hold them for minutes at a time.

Love. Yeah love is just getting inside of me like weeds and the people in each phase of my life get better love than the people before, it's crazy. And the love I have for people is spiking, like the way I love Jaz and Jess is literally beyond words. I love them flatly, not even worth taking time to find adverbs, it's all of them. Val, if I see this girl, I will literally try to absorb her in my hug. I hope I get to see Ira again although I wonder if the hugs will be the same. The last time I hugged like that was drunk Alison and man I dodged that bullet. Anna is most of the reason for this trip at this point so I'm sincerely praying God gives me the chance. My heart longs to see her.

Knowing I'm on the spectrum has made a lot of things connect and changed nothing really. I just know the why now but it still seems to matter less that the what. What I do always draws attention, but my why is irrelevant most times I feel. I may have to really go from the ground up to know if I'm ever play again.

I want to be better for God and others. I want someone special. I want consistent hugs, I want to stop being my enemy. I want a good Sabbath, I want a family in the future, I want freedom for my family and Justice in the world (as much as possible).

Another quiet night in my thoughts. I think my others were better than this but I'm done. I need sleep.