#probably seems unproductive to me to like. talk about this on a tumblr post if anything but by the gods i need to process all this | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

njuum · 2 years

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I never dreamed of being a professional artist, especially working for/at a studio or something, like a lot of artists seems to dream of. I don’t really enjoy doing commissions except for a very narrow spectrum of stuff, and I don't want to commercialise my personal work by selling merchandising like prints, shirts and whatnot.

Drawing is fun, but doing it for money only makes me not enjoy it. Charging more for commissions doesn't make me enjoy working on them any more, nor it makes me want to work on them them any more. On the contrary, it only gives me more anxiety. I’m only doing this because it’s pretty much my only option when it comes to work, and I have a bare minimum enjoyment doing it, everything else available for me now would be straight up miserable.

When it comes to patreon, I feel like I have to deliver something at least bi-weekly, or I don't deserve my money. I know that’s not true, but, realistically, I do need to deliver stuff more or less regularly or I won’t get new followers on any social media, patreon being the most relevant one because it generates income. And if I don’t get more followers on the other social media, such as, twitter and tumblr, it’s very unlikely I’ll get new followers on patreon. Since late 2019/early 2020, I’ve been only losing income on patreon. There’s always someone new who joins, but it’s often followed by someone who was in a higher tier leaving a short time later. There was a period when someone gave a rather generous pledge, but they changed it back later. And, the problem is that if I don’t produce content which is either extremely appealing or produce a flood of content, or if I don’t have the luck of somehow becoming famous overnight, I won’t get more people/people who donate more following me on patreon.

Then there is, at least for me, another issue with drawing for money, specifically that I don’t trust or believe doing commissions for furries is a stable “market”. Yes, furries have been growing in popularity lately, but, who knows how long that subculture will last? Who knows what unforeseen turns the world might take? That was the case with COVID, which made people lose jobs and income, and was probably a major cause of me losing so many followers on patreon. Similarly, USA’s law system recently overturned a decision that was over 30 years old. Some say they seek to overturn same-sex marriage as well. I can see such things affecting the income of furry artists, since a majority of furries are from the USA, and about half of furries are something LGBT+, so, increased LGBT+ discrimination in the USA could lead to LGBT+ furries losing their jobs, which in turn could lead furry artists to get less commissions, since now those people would have to worry first and foremost about their survival instead of buying furry art. But all of this is a post-hoc rationalisation for decisions I have already made.

I got a suggestion from someone saying that, since I don’t enjoy working on furry commissions, I should focus on things such as commissions for companies. To me that is a non-solution to my problem, just replacing one source of anxiety with another, actually worse one, since that sort of work would put me under a legally-binding contract, often with a time limit to finish my work, and very likely under a non-disclosure agreement, so I would only be able to show my work to, say, my partner who lives with me and my one closest friend.

But, to me, that seems more like a desperate attempt by the person who suggested it to me that I should continue drawing no matter what. When it comes to this problem, asking a friend to listen to me will often be unproductive, because so it happens that most of my friends like my art quite a lot, so they are emotionally attached to in in one way or another, and suddenly having the prospect of not having new art by me hurts their feelings somehow. I was actually quite surprised when both people I talked to about this seemed personally offended by me saying “I don’t like doing furry commissions and I don’t want to do it anymore”, they quickly jumped to the conclusion that I don’t want to draw at all anymore, when, in reality, I didn’t say that. They seem to assume that I want to throw everything out of the window and never touch a pencil or look at a sheet of paper again, when I didn’t say that at all. Both people took this to be a problem that needs solving, that Liz is slightly depressed due to the winter, so they just need to be convinced that things will be alright and on some magical day in the future they’ll get a living wage through their art, that it’s okay to not want to do commissions, that they can work with art in some other way instead. Both people only calmed down when I said I could keep doing commissions but more slowly, and also take a break during the winter.

(To me, that sort of emotionally-loaded reaction about others’ decisions in life feels extremely counterproductive, both to the person who took the decision and to their trust in that friendship. Being offended because a friend doesn’t fulfill one’s expectation of being a professional artist is about the same as a parent being angry at their kid because they didn’t win the football tournament, when the kid just wanted to play for fun, or even maybe for winning, but not winning professionally. Anyway, that’s not the main point of this, so let’s get back on track.)

The next non-solution comes from myself, from seeing artists who do this: exploiting my work commercially from every angle possible, such as by selling pins, prints, shirts, hats, and then it spirals down into absurdity with things such as pillowcases, bags, cups, key-chains, any sort of merchandise and useless trinket possible. I have two main problems with this:

First, I absolutely loathe consumerism and consumerist culture. I don’t buy such crap. I think producing such trinkets, which will be disposed of when the person changes their taste is a waste of our planet’s resources. Not only that, it doesn’t hold together if you try to see it from a larger scale, of people buying merchandise for every single thing they like, to support every single artist they follow and so on. I also think it is a rather stupid notion of capitalist societies that, to express your individuality, you must dress like this or that and have this same haircut as everyone else in your club has and so on. I think viznut/pwp’s demo “progress without progress” summarizes this very well. I don’t want to say what others should do and think, but I’m not going to take part in consumerism culture myself. I’d rather wear folk, no-brand and local-made clothes, even if I look tacky, than wear anything because of its brand. And if I do wear that, it’s more because it fits my personal taste and philosophy than due to it being in fashion.

Second, I can’t just take something I put my heart into, sometimes literal tears into, and slap a price tag onto it. That feels vile. I can’t understand how others do it, often seemingly with very little effort. I can’t just take those characters which are a piece of myself, draw them doing a cute face and order a company at the other side of the planet to mass-produce a bunch of disposable garbage with my drawing stamped on it. To me that is pretty much selling a part of myself, selling my soul. It hurts to even think of doing that. Being paid for unique commissions? Sure. Being paid in a donation-like system, such as patreon, for previews of sketches and so on? Sure. Letting others print out my work, for free, if it means something to them? Sure. Working on a collab art book that will be printed out? Sure. Mass-producing copies of my work as a fashionable thing just because uncle capitalism wants to? No, thanks, I’ll pass.

Well, with all of that out of the way, let’s talk about what I want to do. I've wanted to study linguistics since I was 18 or so; I wanted to learn more about Old English when I was 16, and I actually remember wanting to learn Latin when I was a kid. I love understand how language works, and I never get tired of coming back to those same topics over and over. Sometimes I learn a new little thing and I’m amazed by it, even if it’s just a little drop in the ocean of what language is. Heck, one of the main things I care about on my worldbuilding is language. My characters only have a culture and a world of themselves because I needed that to make their language feel more realistic.

I want to study linguistics even if it’s just out of curiosity, even if I get to the end of my course and go, “well, I liked being an artist more than being an academic”. Not to mean that it is mutually exclusive with being an artist, I don’t think it is, at least on a rational level (sometimes I’m afraid academic life would sap all of my free time, but rationally that doesn’t make much sense). Actually, I would die of sadness if I wasn’t allowed to draw, or if I couldn’t draw any more. But I want to work on my personal things because I love them, not because I’m desperate for money, because I need to survive. It’s pretty sad that the world works like that, although complaining about it is not going to change things right here and right now.

Also, unlike many people seem to want nowadays, I don’t want to make loads of money, get rich and then retire early and then spend my time leisurely. All I want to do is work with things I find interesting, until the day I die. If I can’t work with the things I like, I can’t get much enjoyment out of life and it wouldn’t be too different from not living. So, I don’t care at all about making any money from my art, I don’t care about “hitting big”, I don’t care that academic linguistics is not a “profitable” field either. I don’t even care about being popular or “successful”, whatever that word means. I just want to have fun working. If I could live at a place I like, near a lake and go for a swim every once in a while, my life would be perfect. (Maybe I would even enjoy working on commissions if it was more of a side thing, because I do enjoy seeing others being happy from having a personal version of my work. I only hate doing it so much because of the pressure of living up to a standard and needing to “deserve” that money which I was give for my work, because if I fail to do it, I’ll fail to survive.)

Anyway, there isn’t much I can do regarding any of those things right now. Despite having public education, my country has a very conservative/traditionalist approach towards it, which I find rather stupid. If I wanted to get into a public university or get a discount at a private university, I’d have to take either one of two, or both tests; one which is local to each university, and another one which is at a national level and lets you go into any university and get a discount at private ones, as long as you get a good grade. These tests are taken around October-November, over the course of two separate weekends, lasting about five hours each, and cover every singe subject one studies at middle and high-school. Taking both tests gives you a better chance, but you can only sign up for the national one between February and early May, and it is only valid for the next year, which means that if I wanted to go to university now, I’d have to wait for the next year to sign up for the test, only to enroll in university in February/2024. The other, per-university test is held for every semester on many universities, but it does not give you a discount at private universities.

My city doesn’t have a public university, so my only option would be to take the national-level test and get a good grade at it so I could get a discount, otherwise I would have to pay about 200USD every month. Living at any of the capitals on my area of the country is not an option because rent is expensive, living costs are expensive, campii for public universities are often at the outskirts of cities, thus increasing transportation expenses. The capital of my state has a high rate of violence as well, so it’s not a good place to live. I can’t really go live at my partner’s parents’ both because of personal reasons, as well as because they live at one of the worst places for LGBT+ people in this country.

Even without all of those problems, public university teachers here seem to have an ivory-tower-complex, and are often rude and extremely condescending to their students. An extreme example being, TW, a student who recently committed suicide after being bullied by a teacher over an assignment. A more trivial example was my partner having burn-out due to having classes with ridiculously pedantic professors who complained about even a minor deviation of standard terminology on their field. Aside from that, there is also the fact that university courses last around four to five years here, and there is no concept of “majors” and “minors” like in many European and North-American universities.

Okay, but let’s say I could go around all of those things, that the most of them are problems only because I’m so whinny. Could I go to university study linguistics, in, say, Icelandic, Old Norse, Old English or Germanic languages in general? No, because there is no such course here. There isn’t any kind of linguistics course on universities here, not even for our national language or any of the major languages spoken here and abroad. The closest thing is “Letters” which is more like a course on literature, often coming in the form of a licentiate course focused on teaching language, usually aimed at grade school.

So, there it is, I have no option, I live at no-opportunity land. Hence, I have to keep doing furry commissions whether I like it or not. I have to wait for the time when I have the chance to leave this place, so I can do more of the things I like doing with my life. I’ll be really happy when that happens.

#okay i guess i'll start tagging those with #njuum:journal #so they don't get lost amidst the art reblobs #one can see how i started writing this on twitter because the first few paragraphs are very convoluted #oh i forgot i had the tag #words

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stellaluna33 · 2 years

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I'm trying to figure out something. Why would a person spend valuable time and energy being negative in fandom spaces of shows/movies they admit they don't even like? Would it be better for fandoms to only be filled with people who like the content. I'm not saying there wouldn't be a difference of opinions between people but at least everyone would begin at a base level of enjoyment. I personally wouldn't dream of posting my thoughts for a fandom I don't enjoy, what would be the point? Thoughts?

I admit, I have mixed feelings about this. First of all, how are we defining "fandom spaces"? As far as Tumblr goes, everything's kind of free-access here, and everybody's blogs are their own personal spaces (this is the way I look at it anyway). And I do feel that people should be able to talk about how they feel about things, whether those feelings are positive or negative. For some people, this is a "safe space" where they can vent about things that bother them, and I do think people should be able to do that. It doesn't seem reasonable to me to forbid people from ever criticizing anything just because somebody else might disagree with them. As far as "spending valuable time and energy" on "being negative," for some people, it actually HELPS in a cathartic kind of way to voice those negative feelings so they can let go of them and not let it fester. Now, that being said, I absolutely do not think it's ever appropriate for people to personally pick fights with people who disagree with them (that's just bullying and also unproductive. What, you think you're going to convince them to change their minds by insulting them? In my experience, that just makes people dig their heels in even more) and there are also times when I've felt it was more appropriate to vent privately to a friend instead. Not everything needs to be shared in the public arena. That said, if someone posts a "negative" opinion you don't like, you always have the option of not reading it. (Easier said than done sometimes, I know. But still!)

I do agree that it is probably more healthy to focus more energy on things we enjoy and look for positives instead of criticism and "outrage" being a default response, but I also don't think it's healthy to insist that people should only be allowed to express "positive" emotions. That becomes oppressive in another way. Thanks for coming to talk to me, and I'm sorry if I misunderstood anything you were trying to say! 🙂

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snowywolff · 2 years

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End of the Year Review!

I was tagged by @maelerie a little while ago and finally sat down and Wrote It...

1. What fandoms did you create for?

Still stuck in helltalia but I’ve been regaining a bit of enthusiasm I though I’d lost thanks to find some wonderful people to talk with!!

2. How many works did you make this year? Fics (posted on ao3 or tumblr or wherever), edits, gifsets, moodboards, playlists, fanart, vids, meta?

Technically I’ve published 7 fics which sounds like a huge downgrade from 2020’s 16, but to be fair, one of those 7 fics is a hefty multichapter, so if I cheat and say each chapter counts separately, then we’re right there at 15 xD

Also the reason I say published is bc I’ve got an uncountable amount of unfinished drafts, random drabbles, random bits of whatever, so counting how many works I made this year is…. Nope, not happening

3. What are you most proud of?

Uhhh I guess I’m most proud of Only a Month or So as it is my long-awaited return to writing a multichapter fanfic as I go (and not posting it after I’ve finished it first). I really love what it’s got going for it and is really this excuse to have a silly distraction from the hell that was this year!! It’s very self-indulgent, but honestly so is all my content, but I’m glad that people have been enjoying it with me!!

Two other fics I really loved to write this year Quite Foolish and First Time. They were my indulgences into nationverse and ended up being very exploratory on the way I portray Romano in that setting with lots of headcanons squeezed in. I’m also really proud of both’s writing style since I do feel like I’ve emulated a nice middle ground between a more modern style and a Victorianesque style. I think they’re some of my best writing work up to date

4. Any stats you wanna tell us about?

Well I suppose I published a little over 80k in words this year which is pretty neat I think, especially bc I felt insanely unproductive and bleh, but I’m still hanging in there!

5. What inspired you this year? Any specific works or creators?

UH tbh I was extremely uninspired this year like the pandemic has been terrible to my mental health, motivation and inspiration and I’m honestly happy to have been able to create things at all

However, there have been some wonderfully kind and amazing people I’ve gotten to know a lot better over the year (or grew closer to very recently) who have been so supportive and encouraging that I probably wouldn’t have posted half the things I did without them, so thank you for being so very lovely. Most of them aren’t even on Tumblr (heck I’m barely on Tumblr) but a special shout out to @maelarie for indulging me in my rambles and being overall just a sweet and fun person!!

6. What’s a piece you didn’t expect to make? Why?

PFFFF I suppose Rainy Day was the biggest surprise to me?? Cause I haven’t touched usu/k in years, but I’ve always enjoyed the pairing in a cardverse setting so to finally write smth for that was fun

But to be fair most of my fics are surprises to me, though prumano might be a constant, the setting/plot always changes

7. What are you excited to work on next year?

I honestly have no clue xD I mean I have OaMoS to continue and then everything else is as unknown to me as it is to you. I do have one fic waiting for Pru’s birthday on the 18th which is about him and my Brandenburg OC (official debut, finally) and Pru’s elevation to a kingdom. I might also finally finish the sequel to Distraction and go through my older notebooks to find some more started but never finished fics I still enjoy and would like to finish

Tag some people!!

honestly.. none of my regular mutuals on here seem to be at all active anymore so like if you see this and you want to ramble, just say I tagged you like go wild fellas <3

#yuki's patatoes #did i have a tag for this???#idc anymore

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comradedreammoved · 3 years

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i wonder what'll be the turning point for mcyttwt and other stan fanbases on Twitter. I'm kinda scared for the future, everyday I see posts going viral on local/gen-pop Twitter talking about the parasocial relationships, entitlement, and general delusion about activism that mcyttwt has with cc's, and I wonder what it will take for that to become a widespread consensus/opinion within mcyttwt. It seems like most normies and "non-stans" concur that stans' ideas of making cc's speak out on issues that they're not qualified or educated enough to speak about is unproductive and stupid. It's so frustrating to see how delusional mcyttwt drama and "issues" look from the outside, while simultaneously seeing dreams tl always be filled with people who are proud to constantly be "calling him out" or "on his ass". the sick entitlement that a lot of stan accounts have fuel some type of superiority complex they have for being endlessly "critical" of dream is a complete joke. he gets @'d in threads that get a couple thousand likes every single hour that come from the mcyttwt bubble. I see posts THREATENING dream to speak out, some giving him time limits of 2 days to tweet or else he'll be labeled as performative, antiblack, and ignorant to minority issues. the threads are made by chronically online 15 y/o's that expect him to somehow fix all racial microagressions on social media and mcyttwt by making a probably pretty uneducated thread of tweets on his ~main~ account. i don't understand how these stans can consistently tell antis' that it doesn't matter what dream says and that he doesn't control the actions of his entire fanbase (there's always gonna be people who send dt's), but then turn around and claim that a statement from him on Twitter is gonna somehow solve all the antiblackness within the community. AND additionally it's a COMMUNITY problem, idk why everyone is so dead-set on making dream into the mouthpiece for every issue, while also criticizing him for trying to be the mouthpiece for everything?? of my 7+ years on Twitter, I've never seen a community so hypocritical, apathetic, and disillusioned. my life on Twitter has essentially just become me hate scrolling through my timeline, watching all the insanely ridiculous, awful threads go bye, hoping that dream deletes the app.

idk why i just wrote an essay, but i had to rant

i honestly dont have much to add u said it all 💀 i have been thinking about what the turning point could be though, and i guess it’d have to be by the ccs cuz even respected third party hasan called their threads performative and it didn’t change anything LMAO. either that or quarantine lifts and ppl become less terminally online and/or the fandom loses popularity and becomes easier to manage. idk if it can be solved from inside the fandom anymore cuz there’ve been a LOT of threads and essays from reddit/tumblr i’ve seen gain traction, but then something always seems to make them take a step back and then we’re back to square one.

#i guess it’d have to be like a serious stream or all of the ccs taking a break and forcing mcyttwt to Self Reflect lmao #i also have such bad hate scrolling habits loool 🤝#i haven’t seen many outsider tweets about mcyttwts behavior tho actually just ones meming ccs like dream lmao + callout/cancel threads #memeing*#so that’s interesting to me #write me more essays guys i love reading ppls takes #long post #asks

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kiefbowl · 3 years

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this is random but how long have you been using this account? i remember you as some of the first people i followed when i discovered radical feminism

I had to look up my archive to remember but it looks like I started this blog in June of 2016, as long as I didn’t delete all post prior to June for some reason (I don’t really delete posts, it’s too much work lol. try not to go fishing for anything embarrassing I beg everyone). I would have been aawb then. Plus that timeline feels right, because I had to remake bc around that time ish tumblr out of nowhere reset everyone’s passwords and my email address was tied to a college email I didn’t have access too and there was no recovery. so I had a side blog for about a year or two as radfemeudaimonia, then tumblr reset people’s passwords, and I could only access that blog and my other blogs at the time via the app because that never logged me out. I did that for like 2-3 months, and then gave up and just abandoned those and remade a new account as aawb. Before making radfemuedaimonia, I had been on tumblr on my main account for like who even knows how long, but years. So I’ve been around on tumblr a long time. I changed my url from aawb to kiefbowl probably around nov/dec of 2017, which is weird to realize that because I thought I was aawb for a really long time, but I guess not and I’ve been kiefbowl for longer now. anyway, that’s my rambling history on tumblr, which is not really what you asked for, but I’m glad you asked because I had to look up and take stock of my history which is good to do from time to time and gd I’ve been here a long time lol.

If you’ve been here a long time with me, you’ve probably notice I’ve changed how I use tumblr a lot. Tumblr used to be so so so important to me in expressing my ideas and finding theory on feminism and connecting with other women. I was also younger, under employed, struggling, angry as fuck, and super depressed. I would spend a lot more time trying to get well written “discourse” posts out there and answered a lot more asks. I def think my edge has dulled a bit, for better and for worse. I’ve come to terms with the ways tumblr has also been very unproductive and unhealthy for me as well, and I’m just older. The need for validation was something I was blind to at 25, I realize how important that was for me in hindsight, and now it’s not that important to me. I know what I believe, I know how I act, I know what’s incongruent, I don’t really need strangers weighing in, even if I like them. I feel I know a lot of mutuals, but I also have come to terms we don’t really know each other. There are a lot of people on radblr (whatever that means) I admire for their posts or attitude or jokes, but I know we might not actually get along if we met in real life. Lately, I’m more focused on my immediate community. I’m trying to put a lot of energy into my irl relationships (including the men I know!) because I think that’s more worthwhile of my time and you have to put what you read into practice at some point. You have to see what the consequences of your words in real time, it’s at times surprising and humbling, which makes it worthwhile.

I have met a few people from tumblr in real life. some of it has worked out, some of it hasn’t. some of it not working is my fault, bc I had a lot of dips in depression over the past few years. I think about reaching out to them and making it better all the time, and I think I will once covid is done. I met up with someone once and I got creepy anons I ignored who knew about it at some point and then she published a couple anons that creeped me out too (I don’t know if she realizes it) and unfortunately that was one of the reasons I put some distance between us, not that I was conscious of it really but I see it now in hindsight, and became reeeeeaaaally conscious of what I said and posted here and who I met up with, which since has been one other person and no one else. These were people going “I’m so excited to hear you met up with x” and she got an anon she published that said “I think you and aawb should start dating” and I was like “okay there be freaks on tumblr” and since then I just really put a lot of distance between me and the non mutuals here. It’s very clear between me and other mutuals who are “big” (whatever that means tbh) that I’ve talked to it about that there are unwell people on tumblr who project a whole lot of shit onto you even if they admire you. Psychologically, that can wear on you more than dumbass misogynists who argue with you, because they’re just flash in the pan and to them you’re faceless, you’re anybody, you don’t matter. But people who are sycophantic think they know you (not suggesting you are anon, your ask seems completely reasonable. I ignore shit like that now, I’ve stop publishing those anons) and they say weird stuff that is like...dumb. like “you’re the smartest person in the world” or whatever and it’s like, obviously that is not true and it’s not actually appreciated. I’m just regular, we’re all regular people on here.

I’ll be real, I think about archiving this blog by keeping my posts I like and am proud of and deleting everything else, and not deactivating but bouncing. At one point or another, tumblr is going to phase out of my life. It’s probably going to happen sooner than later, I just feel old at this point and sometimes I find it a little embarrassing idk.

I’m glad you’ve enjoyed my blog and I’ve helped you in whatever ways I have to help you find feminism. I hope you keep at it and remember to talk to as many women as possible as much as you can! :)

It was fun decompressing my history with this anon, it’s actually helped me a little gain some perspective, so thank you anon, even if that wasn’t your intention lol. I do what I want lmao.

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divinebisexualgoddess · 3 years

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Navigating “Discourse” as a Positivity Blog

Please note I’m using the word discourse in reference to serious political and world issues in this post, I am not using it in the negative context it seems to have now, meaning petty internet arguments, and I thought I should make a disclaimer about that, that the issues briefly mentioned in this post are things that I feel are serious and important.

So in the beginning of this blog when I made it, I made it a point not to engage in discourse, and I made it pretty clear I would ignore discourse, and I’ve come to a slightly different school of thought on that manner, and I think that may be noticeable in recent posts of mine.

I think ultimately my goal with this blog is to uplift people, particularly bisexual women, and while I do love making simple positivity posts talking about my love for fellow bisexuals and encouraging bisexuals, I think I would be lying to myself if I acted like ignoring problems and “discourse” was actual positivity.

I think positivity without acknowledging problems and having open discussions to hopefully fix or bring awareness to those issues is 1. toxic positivity and 2. complacency. I think particularly with this year due to covid, blm protests, the rise in anti-asian hate crimes, and the countless other awful things going on, it has become even more obvious to me personally that ignoring the bad things going on in exchange for the guise of positivity is not positivity at all.

So with this being said, with the very small platform I’m very fortunate to have here, I think it’s important to me to post things with the intention to uplift, to share things going on in the world with the hope to spread awareness and to build a better world, to dedicate this blog to sharing bisexual history, and to acknowedge the bad things happening around us in a way that again hopefully can contribute in even a small way to bettering a very bad system and world.

With this said I probably still won’t engage in a lot of typical tumblr “discourse” as I feel a lot of it is very unproductive and just divides the lgbt community when solidarity has never been more important and I think there’s better more productive things to do to make the community better for everyone involved. Also I am still not super active on tumblr due to academics and also personal mental health issues.

If anybody has any posts or topics that they feel need to spread please feel free to send them to me. My asks and dms should be open.

♥ Much Love ♥

#positivity #bisexual positivity #discourse #bi discourse #mine #positivity blog #long post #housekeeping

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redhoodedwolf · 4 years

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A Week-ish of Sterek Fics

Hello all! So I recently accidentally fell back into my AO3 bookmarks and have fallen down a rabbit (fox? eh?) hole that leaves me entirely unproductive and sleep deprived but full of feels, so I thought I’d share all of the fics that I’ve rerereread thus far in the last week (it’s over 75 guys) (since friday 😬). Each has the fic name and description, length, and year pub/finished because it makes me feel old. Also all of these are complete because I am weak and cannot handle WIPs.

Note: I’m not adding any tags to the descriptions, so make sure to read the tags and ratings on each fic first before reading!!!

Teaching Derek How to Text (and Other Shenanigans) by neilwrites | 9K | 2018

yo derek Who’s dying

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I see your 'Derek doesn't have a phone' line and raise you 'Derek has a phone, he and Stiles text all the fucking time.'

The Hoodie by ladiekatie | 1.7K | 2017

“You shouldn’t be able to see me. What are you?” The guy in the hoodie says, the ball of energy grows hotter under Derek’s chin.

or the one where Derek is just trying to talk to the guy at the back of the subway.

Nothing You Could Say by SylvieW | 13K | 2016

Stiles’ second year of college is not working out as he planned. He rarely sees Scott, his job is exhausting, and to get home after his shift, he has to walk at three in the morning. Nearly getting mugged is the icing on the cake, but luckily a gruff stranger is there to rescue him. But now Stiles can’t seem to shake the feeling that he’s not alone in the dark.

Old Traditions, Werewolf Edition by Footloose | 3.6K | 2014

Stiles does not work his Omega ass off to attract frat boy Alphas. Absolutely not. He's at college to get his degree. If he's crushing on an Alpha who never crosses the lines of propriety, well, no one needs to know, right?

Stiles Stilinski, Boyfriend Extraordinaire by MereLoup | 14K | 2016

“Beacon County Sheriff's Department, this is deputy Mahealani speaking.”

“Oh thank god!”

“Stiles?”

“I, uh, I need some advice.”

“Advice?”

“Yeah. So, hypothetically, say you met your boyfriend’s mother and sister for the first time ever. Completely by accident. In the grocery store. And they convinced you to help them make a dinner to surprise aforementioned boyfriend when he got home after work. What would you do?”

Danny paused, and then, “Stiles, you don’t have a boyfriend.”

“That’s not the point! And I said hypothetically.”

“Stiles...what are you doing right now?”

***

Stiles never imagined he’d be in Derek’s kitchen cooking a surprise dinner with Derek’s family while they waited for Derek to get home from work.

Partly because their visit was a complete surprise.

But mostly because Stiles didn’t have a boyfriend.

Or even know who Derek was.

But he’d already come this far and Papa didn’t raise no quitter!

third time's the charm by stilinski | 4.9K | 2016

Sure, Stiles has a mark on his chest that belies the depth of his feelings, but it's not something anyone can see unless he decides to show it, or unless werewolves suddenly have x-ray vision.

Which—worrying. And probably-definitely-likely a possibility – if it was to manifest anywhere, Beacon Hills would be top of the list.

Stiles almost turns around there and then to ask Scott how his visual acuity is but is stopped by the teenager at the register finally looking up long enough to spot Derek. Stiles watches her mouth fall open and her expression—studiously blank but with a faint flush rising in her cheeks—is one Stiles knows far too well, particularly when faced with Derek in all his snug-fitting-jeans, v-neck-wearing, canvas-jacketed glory.

Stiles is pretty sure he invented that expression.

Ukochany by VincentMeoblinn| 34K | 2016

Derek comes home to find a mail order husband and two amused betas waiting for him. When he realizes their prank was far from harmless he ends up saddled with a husband who barely speaks English but insists Derek is the love of his life. He's also determined to win him over.

only if for a night by stilinskisparkles | 3.2K | 2016

“I’m Stiles,” he says breathlessly.

“Derek.”

“Derek, hi, do you—”

Derek doesn’t let him finish, kisses the words right out of his mouth.

Hypothetically by alisvolatpropiis | 6.6K | 2015

Stiles holds his hand up to shield his eyes from the sinking sun, its orange-yellow light reflected infinitely across the vast, calm ocean. As utterly stunning as the sunset over the Pacific is, especially while floating leisurely on a surfboard a few hundred feet from shore, it’s a mere backdrop that pales in comparison to who he’s looking at.

Derek Hale, whose eyes are their own oceans that Stiles feels like he’s been floating on since the first time they met. The older man’s eyes are as ever-changing and colorful as the sea they’ve spent the day on, a palette of greens and blues filigreed with gold around the pupils. And if that weren’t enough, the rest of Derek is also transcendentally exquisite: high, arching cheekbones and a chiseled jaw, although that particular perfection is a bit obscured these days by his ever-thickening beard, night-black like his hair, nearly shoulder-length but almost always knotted in a messy bun at the crown of his head.

sincerely, derek by stilinskisparkles | 8.1K | 2016

September, 2009

Hi Stiles, it’s Derek. Derek Hale, from space camp. I’m writing this in English because my teacher Ms Grady said I had to write about my summer, but I spent my summer with you, so I decided to write to you, instead.

Please write back. Love from Derek.

Pancakes and Murder by Amethyst Shard (AmethystShard) | 14K | 2012

Stiles' life has been a roller-coaster filled with awesome highs and terrifying drops ever since his best friend Scott got bit by a werewolf. The ride hits a bump when a dead body turns up at the Hale house (again) and Derek's only alibi is Stiles. Which would be fine, except that Stiles' dad is the sheriff and has no idea his son has been hanging out with the former fugitive. Awkward.

The Witching Hour by MellytheHun | 8.2K | 2016

The radio host AU no one ever asked for but I have written anyway because sometimes when DJ’s play several sad songs in a row, I worry about their mental health and then this AU was born

Derek Hale, The Hero Beacon Hills Needs (Series) by MellytheHun | 11K | 4 Works | 2016

This series started with this Tumblr prompt, "it’s the middle of the night and i’m walking home alone in the dark and there’s this guy following me and he’s starting to gain on me and i found this phone booth with a lock on the door and i tried to call my best friend but my hands were shaking so badly i accidentally dialed the wrong number and i don’t even know you but help me” au

Stiles is walking home when he's stalked by a dangerous stranger and an even more dangerous stranger comes to his rescue.

Fly a Little Faster by mirrorkill | 32K | 2013

Everyone knows when you go back in time, you shouldn't step on an ant, just in case you accidentally kill your own grandparent or something. But what happens when you go back in time and, uh, accidentally interrupt the one event that apparently made the Grumpiest Alpha in Town into a ball of mindless manpain?

Well, if Marty McFly can do it, so can Stiles Stilinski. All he has to do is get Derek and Paige to fall in love before he gets pulled back to his own time. And before he makes anything worse. That's easy as pie, right? Right?

You are the Moon by skoosiepants | 10K | 2012

Stuff Stiles doesn’t like to deal with first thing: hot, moist dog breath in his face, a cuddly werewolf creepifying his perfectly normal morning wood with shades of bestiality, and his dad holding his service revolver up against the skull of his bedmate, never mind the fact that his bedmate could possibly be a vicious unhinged rogue omega.

Baby, you should stick around by ElisAttack | 9.5K | 2016

Derek's driving along a stretch of highway when an unusual sight makes him slow down, the engine of his old pickup rattling in protest.

There's a kid standing by the side of the road.

It's the middle of nowhere, the goddamn apocalypse, and this kid is standing by the side of the road with his thumb pointed skyward. Like he's playing at being a hitchhiker.

Or the one where Stiles thinks he's all alone in a post-apocalyptic world, until he meets Derek.

Don’t Be Anything But Okay by skoosiepants | 4.8K | 2016

“Oh my god.”

Ben pops open the car door and says, “Please don’t embarrass me, Dad.”

Stiles flaps a hand, still staring at the magnificent sight before him. There are glistening arm muscles and a sweaty tank top and then the vision bends over and holy god. He has to look away; it’s too much to take in all at once, he might swoon.

OR-

Stiles has a teenager and Derek has a plant nursery.

covalent bonds (Series) by HalfFizzbin | 9.2K | 3 Works | 2015

Derek's a hot nerd. Stiles is a nerdy jock. A LOVE STORY FOR THE AGES.

Disappear Here by AgnesBlue | 28K | 2016

Stiles was quiet. “What?” Derek said again. “My first heat is coming up soon,” Stiles said at last. Derek closed his eyes, disinterested. He knew where Stiles was going with this. “I was thinking…hoping, really,” Stiles said. “Maybe you could stay with me during that time.”

AU in which wounded in a fire that killed off his entire family, Derek wants nothing more than to be left alone as he finishes off his senior year in high school. That all changes when omega Stiles Stilinski asks him to help him through his first heat.

Money Isn't Everything by TroubleIWant | 6.3K | 2015

Stiles slurps at the dregs of his iced hazelnut latté, pretending he doesn’t need a refill just yet. Supporting your local business is great and all, but Isaac charging $5 for a coffee with syrup is highway robbery. He’s already cut his expenses down to the bare minimum, and splurging for foofy drinks is not in the budget. Except that he can’t really help himself: black coffee is plain gross. Maybe I should plan on marrying rich, he thinks darkly.

Or,

Stiles has a huge crush on the super-hot guy he always sees at Isaac's coffee shop, but when he finds out that they guy's an unemployed orphan he has to decide if the difference in their financial situations is a deal-breaker, or just a bump on the path to true love.

So Shed Your Skin and Lets Get Started by halfhardtorock | 21K | 2014

He's sixteen and in the woods on the wrong side of the town-line and he's so fucking fucked.

He knows he's not supposed to run, they teach that to you in preschool (don't run from a Were, back away slowly and walk with care), but they never told you how it would feel, standing alone in the dark with your heart beating in your throat as those glowing eyes tracked you from the shadows.

you and me (and my best friend) by trilliastra | 1.5K | 2016

“Come on, I shouldn’t be the only one having orgasms. Let me help you out.”

“Uh –” someone clears their throat and Derek jumps, startled, hits his elbow on the wall and curses, “am I interrupting something?” Stiles asks, cheeks red.

Derek looks up, sighing. Of all the people working in this damn school, Stiles had to be the one to catch him and Erica talking about sex. It’s just Derek’s luck. He spills juice on his pants? Stiles walks into the classroom; Laura starts yelling at him about something that happened when they were kids? Stiles is right behind them, waiting for his coffee; Boyd accidentally throws a ball at his face? Stiles is at the E.R. when Derek gets there with a swollen face and a broken nose.

The universe hates him.

Easy Alpha by interropunct | 4.6K | 2012

Easy A/Teen Wolf AU. Wherein, Derek Hale is the high school hussy, Jackson and Scott really need to learn to use their inside voices. And, contrary to popular belief, everyone is still a virgin.

Body Language by LadyMerlin | 2.3K | 2016

In an alternate universe, soulmates exist, and they can communicate with each other by writing on their own skin.

The catch? No one knows their soulmates' name. It could literally be anyone under the sun, and Stiles just doesn't have that kind of patience.

chantes une nouvelle chanson pour moi by pr1nc3ssp34ch (dallisons) | 13K | 2013

Stiles Stilinski has been at Hogwarts since his first year, okay. That's six years of experience. He knows how Hogwarts works, how it operates. He's not quite an expert or anything, but he's pretty damn sure he knows this school.

So why the hell have they waited like a million years to start taking transfer students?

And why is he the only one who can't get a French date?

C’était Salement Romantique by Swing Set in December (swing_set13) | 2.2K | 2015

The Triwizard tournament is really about fostering wizarding relations. Ask anyone. Just not Stiles, he’s busy French kissing Derek.

Hogwarts really should teach some linguistic classes.

The Long Way Home by MyChemicalRachel | 19K | 2016

Stiles didn’t plan to sleep with his best friend’s dad. It just kind of happened. And then it happened again. And again. And again…

All that once was, remains. by countrygirlsfun | 8.8K | 2016

Life is only a long list of constants.

Being a part of a royal family, being a prince, has been a constant in Derek Hale’s life since he was born and swaddled in silk cloths.

Wherein Derek finds himself in love with a stable boy who is more than he seems.

Driver's Education by arrowofcarnations | 9.2K | 2014

This is the moment he realizes he can never have Derek Hale – that he was stupid to ever think he could. Maybe their moms made them hang out when they were little and maybe they’ve managed to get along these past few weeks, but they’re too different. Derek’s cool, he plays a million sports, he drives a Camaro, he’s friends with Jackson. Stiles doesn’t fit into the equation and he never will.

Letters by ericaismeg | 8.9K | 2014

“Stiles, this is getting ridiculous. Can you please do something about it?” Lydia demands. “Do anything. I don’t care. Go up and kiss him, ask him to prom this year, write him secret admirer love letters, whatever. Just do something.”

***

OR: The one where Lydia sets up an email account for Stiles to "confess his love" for Derek. And as fate would have it, they also end up becoming friends in person at the same time.

We're One of a Kind (Like Dip Da Dip Da Dip Do Whap De Dobby Do) by orphan_account | 3.5K | 2012

Derek is your classic greaser—with a leather jacket, a hot rod, a hot bike, and a duck butt. Genim “Stiles” Stilinski a total fream—he’s too cool to be a poindexter but he’s so far from a cat that Derek almost feels bad for him. All that’s missing in this love story is some oddly perfectly timed musical numbers.

do it for our country by HalfFizzbin | 936 | 2012

In which Derek tries to play it cool but Stiles is totally hep to his jive.

Fast Times At Clairemont High by MonsieurBlueSky (MyChemicalRachel) | 6.9K | 2016

Stiles is stoked when he's chosen for an undercover operation to take down a drug ring. He's less stoked when he discovers that he'll be posing as a seventeen year old student at the High School where Derek teaches.

It's Too Early For This by thepsychicclam | 4.9K | 2016

Derek loves his job at the coffee shop, especially because Stiles comes in for coffee before early Saturday morning lacrosse practices. The problem is that Derek is too shy to do anything about his crush, and the situation is not helped by the rivalry between the basketball and lacrosse teams.

A Tentative Truce by Inell | 8.5K | 2016

Stiles and Derek have a long standing rivalry that has extended beyond the Beacon Hills High School theater department to every other area of their high school lives. With the announcement of the winter production, their competitiveness has to be set to the side so the musical can be successful. With a tentative truce in place, Stiles unable to ignore his growing infatuation for his co-star.

we keep living anyway by bistiles (alis) | 10K | 2015

“Oh, damn, my manners. What an example I’m setting, am I right? I’m Stiles Stilinski, but call me Stiles, please,” Stilinski extended his hand for Derek to shake, and Derek took it, feeling the solid grip and the long fingers around his own hand. For some reason, he blushed on the spot.

“Derek. Derek Hale. Call me just Derek,” He answered, still holding Stiles’ hand in his.

By the look on Stiles’ face, he felt much the same as what Derek was feeling, whatever that unnamed reaction was.

“And this little barnacle attached to me,” Stiles continued, letting go of Derek and flushing pink, “is Leigh.”

Stiles is struggling to raise his only child all alone, while dealing with financial problems, a new job, and Adrian Harris, the worst boss in the world.

But then he meets Derek Hale, a dreamy co-workers, and what is a terrible situation becomes considerably less grim, when he has Derek by his side.

Don't Judge a Derek By His Cover by captaintinymite (augopher) | 4.5K | 2015

Stiles doesn't care about the rumors surrounding Beacon Hills High School's resident bad boy, Derek Hale. In fact, he thinks the rumors are total crap. Of course, being secretly in love with someone has a way of clouding one's judgment.

However, he knew for a fact that Derek liked books. So when the two paired up for a final English project, he was excited (but also a little terrified).

But you know what they say...never judge a book by its cover. The same goes for people.

sometimes fate is like a small snowstorm by thepsychicclam | 8.1K | 2014

In a coffee shop two days before Christmas, Derek meets Stiles. Despite neither of them being interested in relationships, they spend an unforgettable evening together, but then part ways. During the following years, Stiles competes in the Olympics, Derek tours the world - and neither of them forget. Then twelve years later, two days before Christmas, Derek finds Stiles in that same coffee shop.

aka a kinda sorta serendipity au

should the pillars of memory topple out of my reach by bleep0bleep | 4.3K | 2015

If Stiles didn’t know any better he’d say that look in Derek's eyes is adoring, but he does know better, and also amnesiac Derek thinks they’re married. Which is the only fact he hasn’t questioned so far, which is the weirdest thing.

Just High School by Dexterous_Sinistrous | 4.5K | 2015

Derek and Stiles have been dating for some time.

The only thing is, nobody else really knows.

Tis The Season Baristas Fear The Most by stilinskisparkles | 5.4K | 2012

Scott is hands down the worst barista Derek has ever hired. But it's Christmas and apparently that means something to some people.

Mind Reading Can Be Such a Pain in the A** (Series) by Fanhag102 | 21K | 2 Works | 2015

Derek Hale can read minds. If he could have chosen a mutant power for himself instead of being given one by random, genetic happenstance it's safe to say mind-reading would not have been his 1st, 2nd, or even 96th choice.

Maybe if he'd gotten the power of invisibility he wouldn't be sitting in a senior Economics class next to a hyperactive kid with a buzz cut who won’t stop thinking about dicks.

A Criminal and His Lucky Charm by Dexterous_Sinistrous | 5.9K | 2015

Please forgive yourself.

For what?

For allowing yourself to let someone in. For letting me love you. I didn’t deserve it, but that wasn’t your fault. Derek, please, just do it. Please— please don’t drag this out.

Derek Hale valued Stiles above everyone—everything. And Stiles betrayed that. In the end, he figured if he had to die, dying in Derek’s arms wasn’t so bad. He could at least have that.

the things you said when we were the happiest we’ve ever been by foxerica (ericaismeg) | 4.8K | 2015

Derek and Stiles meet again at their high school reunion.

From Dirty Paws by Surreal | 9.9K | 2014

Stiles finds a wolf in the woods. Well, it's more like the wolf finds him. Either way, he's happy to have a new friend in his otherwise boring social circle.

flawless by bibliosexual | 4.9K | 2015

“I know you and I are, like, werewolf-married, but dude, if I ever met Lydia Martin in person . . . All bets are off, is all I'm saying."

It's not like Stiles really means it (does he?), but it still makes Derek’s hands clench into claws on the steering wheel.

"Yeah, if," he says, and keeps his eyes on the road.

Those Hidden Places by Mimiminaj | 18K | 2015

He doesn’t belong here.

It’s the first thought that crosses Derek’s mind as he watches the new inmates spill into the cafeteria. The kid stays close to the wall, eyes scanning all the exits and skimming over the tables. If he’s trying to get a barring for his surroundings he’s doing a shit job of it, something made completely evident as Lewis shoulders him from behind and the kid almost jumps to flatten himself against the wall.

Stiles is the new inmate at Derek's prison. He really didn't expect to fall in love with the mouthy little brat.

Baseball Pants by thatfamoushappyending (betsytheoven) | 2.8K | 2015

Scott shows Stiles a picture of the new pitcher for the Dodgers, and Stiles is suddenly an avid Dodgers fan.

While You Were(n't Quite) Sleeping by mikkimouse | 13K | 2015

Scott’s mom, Melissa, had given Stiles the basics on Derek’s condition when he’d first come over here a month ago. Derek had been here six years, the only survivor of a horrific house fire that had killed the rest of his family. It had left him burned, half his face puckered with scars, and he’d been in a catatonic state the entire time. Stiles couldn’t even begin to imagine how awful that would be, being trapped in your own body for years on end, all alone.

Stiles had an inkling of how much being alone sucked, anyway.

(An AU in which Derek is the one who was trapped in the fire, and then in the hospital, based on a set of pictures from littlecofiegirl.)

dhale25 by ericaismeg | 8.1K | 2014

Derek Hale is an actor in Los Angeles, Stiles is a fanboy in Toronto. When Derek posts his Snap Chat username on Twitter, inviting people to add him, Stiles gets brave and adds him.

They develop a snapping relationship, and it gets intense.

I Settle for Long Distance Calls by iamursforevrmre | 4.3K | 2014

Derek is the guy who Stiles met on some random band page on MySpace because Derek made a ridiculously hilarious comment and with a spurt of confidence, Stiles had messaged him to tell him just how hilarious it was and they got to talking. Derek is the guy that made a FaceBook account just to talk to Stiles on the messenger so they could talk more when MySpace was slowly dying out. Derek is the guy that changed his text message plan to unlimited when he finally sent Stiles his cell phone number. Derek is the guy that has been on the phone with Stiles at any and all hours through the day.

And Derek is the guy that Stiles is in love with.

You look like my next mistake by Vendelin | 15K | 2015

“So, are you dating someone new? Someone who doesn’t mind that you’re frigid?” Kate cocks her head to the side, smiling as though she just asked him about where he bought his shoes.

His entire body sighs in defeat as his shoulders grow square. Just as he opens his mouth, someone comes up to stand beside him, snaking an arm around his shoulders. When he glances to his side, expecting to see Isaac, his brain seems to malfunction. Because it isn’t Isaac. It’s Stiles Stilinski, the lacrosse talent of the year, a senior who Derek has seen multiple times from far away, but never ever talked to.

In which Derek is a nerd jock, and Stiles is a frat guy, and Derek falls for him even though he knows he shouldn't.

Coaches Cupcake Coffee House by ChildOfTheRevolution | 4.8K | 2013

Danny looked at him as if he were crazy, ‘It means he wants to ride the dick Stiles.’ He said slowly, as if talking to the mentally insane.

‘Ride the dick, my dick?’ Stiles asked weakly.

‘Figuratively speaking of course, Derek looks more like a topper to me. And you, my friend, are a twink of the most twinkiest standards, but I’m not one to judge.’

‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’ Stiles admitted, finding himself in a weird crouch-like stance that he apparently now adopts when he’s overwhelmed about finding out Derek Hotcakes wants to bone him three ways to Sunday.

Gladiator AU ( Series) by HaleHole (SweetFanfics) | 9.9K | 2 Works | 2013

He looks up at the door and waits. He hopes that whoever it is, they will be go easy on him. Werewolf he might be, with superhuman healing, but that does not mean that he will not be sore the next day. And he is scheduled for a fight.

Let it be someone easy to please, Derek hopes. Someone who will be quick to take their pleasure and even quicker to leave. He keeps hoping this as the door is pushed open. A voice murmurs a quick set of instructions to whoever has hired him for this session. It is cut off half way through by a familiar, impatient voice that makes Derek strain against his bonds. -- Rome based, Gladiator AU

Stilinski's Home for Wayward Wolves by owlpostagain | 35K | 2013

“At least your puppies knock first,” Stiles snorts. “Here I thought their alpha raised them to be well-mannered.”

“There’s a sign,” Derek responds stiffly.

Stiles, whose curiosity outweighs even his hardest of grudges, abandons his chilly façade of nonchalance in a heartbeat. He jumps right up and all but pushes Derek out of the way in his effort to get to the window, and sure enough when he leans outside there’s a laminated strip of cardstock duct taped to the vinyl siding:

DON’T FORGET TO KNOCK Stiles gets cranky when we scare him

---

Or, in which Stiles Stilinski moves to Beacon Hills for his junior year of high school and accidentally adopts a pack of teenage werewolves.

Theory of Overprotective Canines by rosepetals42 | 11K | 2015

Stiles is totally looking forward to living alone in his super cool apartment off-campus. He is. He is also very excited to bike to school every day, ready to set up an awesome game room, and definitely over his crush on Derek Hale. Completely over it.

Or at least he is until Derek decides he's moving in with him. And then turns out to be the perfect roommate. And then starts attending all his classes. As a wolf.

This is not going according to plan.

Hot for Teacher('s Aide) by linksofmemories_archive | 8K | 2013

“He invited you to his apartment.”

“To do a lesson plan.”

“Yeah and to probably lesson your plan while you’re there,” Scott said, waggling his eyebrows.

“That made no sense, but you still managed to make it sound dirty,” Stiles said. “I’m impressed.”

The healing touch by devilscut | 96K | 2015

Stiles loses his temper with the rest of the pack when they all make excuses not to volunteer to help their Alpha. Deaton has instructed that for the next 24 hours Derek can't use his hands after he seriously injures them in a magical entrapment. Seeing the emotional hurt that Derek's selfish pack has inflicted on him when they argue and try to get out of it, Stiles volunteers to stay and then proceeds to give the rest of them a verbal ass-kicking. He then takes care of his friend, the Alpha, Derek Hale, while trying to work out what his feelings are towards the werewolf.

Quit Dragon Me Around (Seies) by WonderWolf | 17K | 3 Works | 2015

Stiles makes the mistake of taking Derek’s sword and now the grumpy werewolf seems determined to stop him from stealing and landing himself in jail.

Stiles is not pleased. He’s also starving.

(Or the one in which Derek has good intentions, but little understanding of how Dragon biology works. He just wants the cute mole-speckled kid to be safe). -----

“Five meals, Scott. Derek Hale has stopped me from eating five meals. I can’t believe he’s really trying to kill me over stealing his sword. That’s so petty of him. It isn’t like I meant to steal it,” Stiles complains.

“You kind of did mean to, dude,” Scott adds unhelpfully.

“But you don’t understand, Scott. It-”

“Just smelled so good? I know, you’ve said that like fifty times over the past two weeks,” Scott says.

“This is the equivalent of him stealing my lunch money, right? Thanks to him, I didn’t have a meal this week. Or last week! He’s a bully, is what he is. A nice smelling, douchebag of a bully.”

You'll See Me Again by matildajones | 10K | 2015

Stiles is standing there in his uniform, hair long and hands behind his back. There’s a blush on his cheeks and he can barely look Derek in the eye.

“Hey,” he whispers. He’s wearing the medal Derek had presented to him.

Derek stares. He doesn’t think he’s breathing anymore.

Stiles is the soldier who saved Derek and brought him back home. He doesn't seem to care that Derek's a prince or that he's a little bit broken. Derek falls, quick and sure, but it's not easy knowing that Stiles will soon have to return to the war.

Thousand by ericaismeg | 4.2K | 2014

“Seriously, Erica, I could tell him a thousand times in a thousand ways and he's never going to understand what I mean.”

“I thought I told you to spell it out to him,” Erica says. “Derek's has trust issues. I told you this would be difficult.”

Stop Crossing Oceans by greenleaf | 11K | 2015

“There are no absolutes, Scott! No hard rights or hard wrongs! The world doesn’t fucking work that way and we can’t afford to think like that, because people are going to die! We signed up for that the moment we got involved with all this!”

“We? We?” Scott hisses. “Don’t you think you? Don’t forget that you’re the one who dragged us into that forest the night it all started, Stiles. So if it’s anyone’s fault, it’s yours.”

Something inside Stiles cracks, so strong and so deep that he practically hears it.

The Wolf that whispered into Stiles' Heart by ElStark | 9.9K | 2015

Basically the Union of the prompts:

Mute!Stiles + Wolf!Derek + Soulmates/Mates AU

“Don’t you have a pack?” Stiles asks him –by then he had discovered that the wolf was in fact a male wolf –“I mean, wolves move in packs, right? Lone wolves don’t make it on their own. I read it yesterday.” He says while they’re both sprawled on the fallen leaves in Stiles’ secret-thinking spot in the woods. Derek licks his face, and Stiles laughs. “Is that your way to tell me that I’m your pack?” Derek licks him again on the nose, making the boy’s face scrunch up, “Ugh. Gross, dude!” he wipes his drool covered face with his sleeve and then gives the wolf a pointed look, “I’m not a wolf, you should have noticed, you know, I don’t exactly have fur and I don’t growl and I don’t have glowing eyes…” He says leaning in to look them closer, “Are you even supposed to have those kind of eyes? I couldn’t find anything about wolves and glowing eyes on the internet..” The wolf snorts.

Aftermath by GhostwithShotgun | 11K | 2015

Stiles suffers from PTSD and insomnia after the events with the nogitsune. He has nightmares, gets at most one hour of sleep every night and has daily panic attacks. He tries his best to hide it because they all have their own troubles and he doesn't want to burden his friends further.

Meanwhile, Derek has made a habit out of checking all pack members every night to make sure they're alright.

Cross a Canyon (with a broken limb) by theroguesgambit | 18K | 2015

“You never graduated,” Stiles says, just to say it. To test it out in the open air. That's... huh.

Stiles spends his senior year battling troll-gremlins, taking on an unexpected tutoring job, and definitely not falling for a certain sourwolf (even though everyone else seems to think he is).

It's a Schlong Story by floatingstark | 33K | 2015

"Do you like him?"

"Of course I do, he’s great!"

"Then what is the fucking problem?"

"My dick!"

-or-

Ex-Porn Star Derek Hale has a lot of issues but Ice Cream Parlor Owner Stiles Stilinski is not one of them.

Bad Dog Bakery and Café by Boom | 27K | 2015

Stiles saves an Omega from wolfsbane poisoning. Said Omega now won't leave Stiles alone. Stiles doesn't really have a problem with this.

Beat The Blues by lilpeas | 2.9K | 2015

Derek and Stiles have been childhood friends since the sandpit. When Talia realises Stiles is in love with Derek, she knows Derek has to stop seeing him: Derek’s a werewolf and Stiles is human. It can’t be.

But things never go according to plan.

Red Light's Already Off by orphan_account | 3.3K | 2015

Stiles isn't a hooker. He just plays one on TV.

Noteworthy Observations by LadyDrace | 3.7K | 2015

In which Derek recieves complimentary notes in his locker from a secret admirer, and though it turns out they weren't actually for him, things turn out pretty well in the end.

One Hale of a Sandwich by whatthehale | 10K | 2014

Stiles in bed isn’t really something Derek should be thinking about.

Ever.

Because the person who normally picks Lily up from school? Is Scott.

Lily’s other parent. And Stiles’s partner.

Not to mention the entire source of Derek’s current misery.

AKA, the one in which Derek thinks Scott and Stiles are in a relationship and that they want to threesome with Derek. Spoiler Alert? They aren't and they don't.

Choice by Omni | 8.6K | 2015

Derek knows what it feels like to not really have a choice, what it's like to be manipulated. He'd never take away someone's right to choose freely. The fear of even accidentally doing so is enough to hold him back from acting on his own feelings.

Stiles has never had a problem making his own choices, and fuck anyone who would try to tell him he can't.

(Or: Stiles gets bitten by a different alpha, but of course would prefer to have Derek as his alpha. And also just, you know, have Derek.)

Emergency Love by Kedreeva | 13K | 2012

Wherein Derek is a firefighter and Stiles is a paramedic, and they just keep meeting.

gave your smile to me by Sarageek16 | 4.7K | 2013

In which Stiles is a hooker (but not really), Derek wants to feed his skinny little body, and there is soup. Not necessarily in that order.

#sterek #eternalsterek #sterek fic #stiles stilinski #derek hale #fic rec list

103 notes · View notes

bladekindeyewear · 4 years

Text

HS^2 bloggin’ mainline 2020-03-12

I have been told only a few things about the upd8 that just landed, over Discord by two people:

upd19 feat. 4,901,157 read it. now. note: the featuring note is accurate if in a different base than what you might be expecting

What the fuck does that even mean.

Okay Pretty good chapter.

...from another friend who VERY dislikes HS^2? Oh shit.

I also glimpsed a post that may or may not have been about Homestuck at all at the top of my Tumblr feed for an instant that said “YES YES YES YES YES” in huge bold print. I have no idea whether to be excited or nervous.

Okay, it’s not a Bonus update... let me comb through from an earlier page to be careful not to get a spoilerlook at the pagecount...

...huh. That seems... like a conversation that would be up my alley, but not necessarily unique so far or worth all this crowing about. I thought we were about to get Dirk-aliens with a full Horschestra backing... are we getting something else?

> CHAPTER 6. A Conversation Regarding Relevance

Hmmmmmmmm. With the contrast between their reactions and this ominous buildup, there’s got to be a serious fun-twist coming. Right? --I’ll stop with that talk for the moment though.

space is vast. an unproductive statement, almost a tautology. [...]

Alright, that and the starry background are riffing the fuck off Star Trek. Nice homage to Andrew’s roots.

the lives of the many are far too volatile and instinct-driven

Alt!Callie what the fuck are you doing. This is intentional now. You can’t play this off as “what’s a Star Trek”.

tautologies are, in general, reserved for stories. for narrative device. for finding new and inventive ways to tell an audience that which they already know.

God damnit she’s still doing it

neither of us ever able to convince the other of the righteousness of our stance. we were never meant to agree. it isn’t in our blood.

Blah blah overanalyzing classpect blah

when they scoff at my tautology ‘space is vast’, what do they really know? nothing. as far as any of them have experienced, space does not exist.

It’s still nice to see some real personality leak through on Alt!Callie. We definitely know from her other self that she can develop quite a relatable and colorful one. Have the years helped?

> ==>

dramantic pouse... ........

Also,

-look at that collar. Damn, Callie, that is a collar

very few have stood and looked into the abyss, the true gulf of nothingness that spreads out around the single point of consciousness adrift in a constellation. all the combined weight of sentient endeavour would quail underneath that sheer, irresistible truth. the realization that they are so small, that the universe cares about their puny lives so very little. sitting in the glowing light of the stars this becomes even more apparent

In the official aspect quiz I never took the time to analyze, the aspects were put on a wheel where Space was a neighbor to Void, if I recall correctly. I wonder how much those aspects engender feelings of goddamnit I’m doing it again aren’t I

...

are we out of orange juice?

Yesss let more personality Alt!Callie bleed through, more of it~

Wait, does Alt!Callie even taste through Jade? Isn’t this remote control? Is she vicariously drawing pleasure from Jade’s not-just-meat-or-candy mostly-human taste buds or?

> ==>

JADE: are you talking to me? JADE: because if you are i would like to remind you that i hate!! orange juice!!

OH FUCK YES!!! SHE’S IN THERE AND AWAKE!!! SHE STILL HAS AT LEAST ENOUGH AGENCY TO BE PRESENT AND ARGUE WITH CALLIE! YESSSSSS

no you don’t.

JADE: well i guess i never really had a strong opinion on it before JADE: but now i cant stand it!! JADE: its all you drink!

i like the pulp.

QUIT INADVERTANTLY FORCING SHIT ON JADE WITH NARRATIVESPEAK GIVE HER A BIT OF LEEWAY ALT!CALLIE YOU CONTROLLING--

JADE: its my body and i dont want orange juice! JADE: i hate pulp, and i didnt just make that up to spite you JADE: who wants strings in their juice?

i do.

JADE: ughhhhhhhhh

I have had friends hopefully fantasize about and/or therapeutically roleplay this exact situation with Jade breaking through and arguing with Alt!Callie’s control to make this all a fair bit more palatable but I didn’t dare to hope we’d get even THIS much

Maybe the HS^2 authors DO care about not leaving us wallowing in hopeless witness to the characters’ constant torture and existential turbosuffering!!!! :#D

i realize that jade’s situation is less than ideal from a characterization perspective, but i still politely point out that nobody likes a whiner.

Fuck you, this isn’t CALIBORN you’re trying to repress you asshole! Leave Jade some AGENCY!!!!! She deserves it!!

JADE: fuck you rude calliope inside my head!

YES EXACTLY

JADE: why dont you try being possessed by the spirit of some other version of a good friend of yours, and floated around a spaceship full of people you love JADE: unable to affect anything or say hello to anyone! JADE: then tell me about whiners!

i killed my brother and consumed him.

JADE: sounds like a you problem

Compromise and give her some agency finally come on compromise and give her some agency you red-text twatwaffle

i suggest to the witch that i have spent untold eons in the void between universes, waiting for the moment i would be needed to prevent the dissipation of reality as we know it. her appeals to emotion will not help her. i will remain unmoved.

Oh god damnit.

JADE: well i had to watch my boyfriend and my brother die in front of me on a tiny scaled version of a world that i shrunk for them! JADE: and then spend the next three years talking to myself, wracked with guilt that id killed them!

Oh. God. Damnit. This had better not be where the Suicide trigger warning was coming from. Are there going to be any characters left who DIDN’T emerge from this mess feeling suicidal?!? (I mean if there were any understandable case it would be three years alone on the golden ship Jade but-- I mean COME ON, we have to discuss that in our FIRST GLIMPSE at her since the epilogues?!?)

> ==>

i remind the witch that my time was in the void, which is far darker and lonelier [...]

Oh fuck you don’t compare suffering as an excuse to COMPLETELY body-enslave and squash the agency of someone when you probably don’t have to. You’re just doing what’s COMFORTABLE alt!Callie admit it. There’s a way you could give her some leeway, I’m almost positive.

JADE: even if i had the powers of a first guardian, my brain still worked in modules of human pattern recognition! JADE: three years is a long time for a human teenager, i dont care how many of her molecules are made of a god!

(i love it when jade talks smart, that bit of the epilogues was a treat too, plz reveal more of the big brain on jade)

It seems Jade can’t see or quite understand the full import of there being a “narrative”. Or THINKS she cant, because she still says:

JADE: your voice is impossible to read and i cant see your face

If she’s “reading” alt!Callie’s remarks, that means she’s breaking through to understand the narrative to SOME extent. She might be one of the ones who learns to do that a little more and better in the future, especially with alt!Callie almost unintentionally training her to see it.

> ==>

Oh, good. So A!C’s not above being considerate. That’s a step in the right direction.

> ==>

D’aww, Jade conceding and trying to empathize like her usual self. I appreciate it. :) --but Alt!Callie’s definitely in the wrong here.

JADE: but i think it is a very natural thing to be silly when you are used to being able to control your own body, but now cant

i will allow that, yes.

Thanks. Learn some damned reason.

jade smiles. dave and karkat will always be a source of pain for her, a low ache somewhere in her center of gravity, but she is happy for them. she knows that there is really no other alternative for how to be. they chose each other over her, and they always will. they are the two people who matter to her the most in every universe, and that will not change, no matter how much she wishes it would, no matter how--

JADE: do you actually know that?

pardon me?

Oh, shit.

JADE: do you actually know that im doomed to pine over dave and karkat across every iteration of reality? JADE: like, can you actually see that? JADE: because youre a space player, like i am. JADE: i know that you are more powerful than me, but i dont think you can see other timelines any better than i can JADE: so i think you are just being dramatic JADE: for the “audience”, whatever the heck that means

i experience a moment of unease as jade looks at me. keeping her out of my thoughts is proving to be more difficult than i had first assumed it would be.

That’s a damned interesting question. I was giving the narrative the benefit of the doubt, but given everything the Epilogues warned us about when it came to the narrators and alt!Callie’s occasional slips into her own bias, I really should have known better.

i had begun confident that i could keep her consciousness sleeping peacefully inside the shell of her body, tamed and quiescent, but she has proved to be more irascible than i initially gave her credit for.

JADE: heheh JADE: i have never been particularly tamable, and my consciousness is huge!

This might end up playing out more like my friend’s Jade-breaks-out roleplays than I initially assumed. (What does she mean “huge consciousness” though? Superpowered due to part-First-Guardian, like she alluded earlier in the conversation? That never got much play before, so it’s great to see that potential realized here a bit...)

> ==>

...I’m a fucking idiot. Of COURSE “huge consciousness” and the whole line around it was just an unsubtle double-entendre. A small part of me actually wondered if it was and dismissed it as a clumsy reading in an instant. How stupid am I? Jade is the best.

If only this sort of thing worked on Cherubs.

> ==>

Yeah. It really doesn’t.

...Alt!Callie, you are a fucking war-criminal for bottling all these double-entendres up where none of the others can appreciate them.

> ==>

JADE: you are a pretty tough crowd, evil callie JADE: but yes, i can hear most of what you are thinking to yourself JADE: it took a little while to separate it from my own thoughts, just like it did with dirk JADE: because thats what he was doing the whole time, wasnt it? JADE: controlling our thoughts JADE: making us believe things we never would, things he thought we SHOULD believe

Fucking excellent. She’s definitely training herself on this shit. The more people who have a harder time getting fooled by this nonsense the better.

jade knows all of this, i don’t have to tell her. she is a very bright girl, and even if she didn’t have partial access to my thoughts, she is good at compiling data and using it to fill in gaps. as she herself had rather licentiously mentioned, her brain is quite large.

and all of these reasons are why i know i can count on her to be reasonable and realistic about her situation. i need a body to continue interfacing with this timeline, and her body is the only one that will do.

Dammit. Trying to get her to logic her way back into keeping Alt!Callie in complete control. That’s a tactic that will probably work. :(

what about [kanaya], jade? she is a space player, it is true, but her powers are nothing compared to yours. for one, she isn’t god tier, and for two, she is dead. a living dead, but dead nonetheless.

Hm. Are you saying she maybe has less relevance, less of an effect on her surroundings because she spent some of her “cred” on unconventional partial resurrection? To the extent where she’d make a less influential vessel? Hmm.

For that to even matter, you have to be planning to use Jade’s Space powers too. Taking a far more active role in things than narrative beacon.

and a sylph’s specializations lie on a different end of the spectrum from my own. a witch is a far closer match.

!!!!!

Sounds like details of the classpect system that we don’t know will have relevance in HS^2, and we’re indeed gonna possibly get some actual new, clearer details about the system Andrew invented unlike the dearth of new info the Epilogues brought us. That is... promising.

no, jade understands and sympathizes with my assurance that her body, and her body alone, will do for my purposes.

JADE: um...no i dont!

YES. Jade is now officially immune to absolute command! :D :D :D

she does. after all, she would not wish this sort of state of being on anyone else, and especially not on one of her friends. jade may have undergone a lopsided number of narrative hardships in her life, but at least she is used to them. why spread that suffering to another?

What the fucking shit??? You’re using that on her? You think it’ll WORK?!

jade understands and accepts her place in the story, which has always been to enable events to play out around her, just as it has been mine.

..........yeah Jade’s gonna bust the fuck out on the very next page, isn’t she.

What the fuck is Alt!Callie thinking, here? Wasn’t the other Calliope the one to let us know that the Witch is one of the most active classes there is?? ...what exactly does a Witch officially do anyway, for Alt!Callie to think saying such a thing wasn’t dead wrong? This sounds MUCH more like the sort of statement someone might make after breezing through Homestuck and confusing the old Jade (cough) for the person she grew up into.

And the fact that you’re phrasing this as a narrative command to try and make her forcibly THINK this way deserves you a smack in the non-literal depictive face. Let’s see if you get one:

> ==>

Oh wow, no smack yet?! That’s some restraint!

because what is a story, truly? nothing but a series of misadventures and connections, actions spurring reactions, tumbling into one another, over and over and over. with so many competing interests, clearly the story cannot account for all perspectives, for all threads? it would be laughable, childish, even selfish, to demand that they do.

in other words, not everyone will achieve a happy ending. this is a truth that jade had come to grips with a long time ago.

JADE: wait. JADE: stop. JADE: why are you saying all of this?

Ohh. Because she still had even MORE smackworthy stuff left to say, to make the smack even SMACKIER, didn’t she. Alt!Callie you asshole. If this gets you kicked out of her almost entirely and jeopardizes the crew as Jade struggles to combat Dirk’s narrative influence on her OWN, then I’m fucking blaming YOU! Do you realize how horrible it’ll be if Dirk gets to almost singlehandedly write the whole story around her and the others for the first section of HS^2 with only one or two characters aware and trying to mentally avert it?? We already TRIED that in the Epilogues! It was awful!

jade’s body is my vessel, and it is through this realization that she will understand her true role in the story. her true relevance.

Go fuck yourself, Alt!Callie. Read the audience a bit!

if i released my hold on her consciousness, there would be no guarantee that i would be allowed in again. therefore i cannot permit her the control of herself that she so desperately craves, and she understands that.

THAT’S your reasoning your used-to-surpressing-Caliborn ignorant--!??

JADE: wait. so...you could give me my body back, and then just hop back in when you need to?

in theory, yes.

JADE: then what the hell callie!

because i don’t trust you to cooperate when the time comes.

MotherfuckerTheMusical.mp4

(or real existing equivalent that’s just off the top of my head)

JADE: why not? JADE: i thought you said i was a reasonable girl with a huge brain!

you are, to an extent.

she is. but the truth of the matter remains that humans are capricious and emotional. and even jade herself can admit that she hasn’t been the most...committed example of her species in the last few years.

Oh my fucking god. I know they’re trying to make this more satisfying when she actually DOES take control in a few panels, but, Alt!Callie, seriously, get more on your other self’s level!!!

> ==>

Yes, please >:O some more

moving from lover to lover, job to job, interest to interest. over the last few years jade had found herself listless, unable to settle and unwilling to commit to anything or anyone. she knows there’s nothing wrong with that on a moral level, but on a personal level she’s always believed that she could be more, could do better. be better. and now, because of this, she realizes that sacrifices must be made.

and that she, as a space player, is uniquely built for sacrifice.

JADE: yeah JADE: i guess youre right JADE: i have been such a silly little slut! JADE: hey callie

yes, jade?

JADE: oh my god, whats that!!!!

You are so fucking screwed Alt!Callie.

this space is utterly under my control. jade could control it too, if she had any access to her own powers. but with my grip around her cortex, there is no chance of that.

(Wait, there’s an extent to which this space is “real” and not imaginary? Or does holding her space powers in check also mean keeping her imaginary space powers in check?)

Anyway, here comes the smack. And, though Alt!Callie deserves this, I hope Dirk isn’t let in too often amidst the others as a result.

> ==>

Yup, poising to pounce...

> ==>

I thought there was a weird infinity symbol underneath them but it’s just two spotlights and a shadow cast by her head.

and here i make my first mistake.

No you made your first mistakes WAAAY earlier in this conversation. And what you did to Jade in general. She’s a hero/player for a reason, she doesn’t take stuff lying down forever.

but bringing her into a place where we can both physically manifest has left me, foolishly, vulnerable.

First, physically manifest? This isn’t pure imaginationspace? And second, she’s going to blame her polite concession to Jade for this and hold on even tighter the next time, isn’t she. God damnit, not looking forward to that. Alt!Callie won’t learn her lesson til the end, will she? :(

her fingers tear at my throat, trying to find purchase. she won’t be able to kill me here, but it is certainly unpleasant, and not to mention slightly repetitive. we just saw this in the previous chapter, although this particular fight will not end as amorously as the last one did. so don’t get your hopes up.

JADE: who! JADE: are you talking to!

I really hope Jade ends up with full narrative powerOOOOOHHHH FUCK THEY COULD GO FOR THAT HUH

Dirk was able to become an Ultimate Self in his own body because it was the uniting of an irrepressible “self” that he always unbreakably represented. The others had more trouble.

But Jade

has a BIG PART-GOD BRAIN as reinforced in the narrative repeatedly!!

Meaning that later, SHE could Ultimate Self without ANY PHYSICAL CONSEQUENCE. :D

I was hoping Jade would end up with full narrative-dictating-and-reading power when she wants to use it, at some point, but I might’ve been aiming too low! :D :D :D

Yaaaaaaaaaaaay

Now all the playfully-horny omnipotent Jade fanfics are true, what that totally isn’t part of why I love this go ahead and admit she doesn’t deserve it

> ==>

Yesss flashy gif struggle against control! (Though, not as elegant as one of Andrew’s might’ve been. Gotta say.)

> ==>

Blinky-eyes about to resolve normal-Jade-colored....!

> ==>

Wait, what? I thought Jade was about to snap in and--

during the ship’s trip through space, there have been numerous experiments; modifications to the nutrition output of the various machines designed to create sustenance for the various species on board. i myself have been content with orange juice and synthetic proteins, but dave and roxy have both expressed longing for various ‘earth snacks’, and so the trials and errors began.

What the fuck? I don’t even know where this is going if it’s punways.

Is there like a dog treat somewhere that’s gonna push her over the edge? Where is this headed even.

> ==>

Wh...

WHa??????

the results were mixed. as roxy told us in a previous chapter, alchemized food all sort of tastes the same, although the visuals really help to bring about the flavor. and at the end of the day, isn’t it the journey that is more important than the destination? the stories you tell as you create the strangely flavored nutritional paste?

JADE: ????????????

Um?? What’s even going on.

so far, everyone’s favorite attempt has been a vaguely peanut-butter and chocolate flavored creation called "Rices'". nobody eats them really. they just sit in a bowl on the counter.

i’m not actually sure what the witch is trying to accomplish here.

Is Jade trying to humorously gross Alt!Callie out of her body with a candy she doesn’t like or? But, “suicide threat”? Why joke--

JADE: you dont? JADE: really?

i don’t know what she is trying to accomplish, because surely she would not be doing what it appears she is trying to do. making such a meaningless threat.

JADE: meaningless? JADE: do you even know anything about the body you stole? JADE: shouldnt you have run some sort of psychic physical before you possessed it? JADE: its definitely what i would have done!

Oh SHIT. You mean Jade has the same peanut allergy JOHN does?!?

> ==>

jade must know that i am well-aware of her family-wide peanut allergy. a story thread that has been extremely important and weighed in on in multiple parts of the narrative. how could i have forgotten such a key detail?

...yes, she totally forgot, but more than that.

I’m betting John is the ONLY one with a peanut allergy. That Jade is USING that fact to bluff like hell. :D

(Allergies aren’t usually inherited that way you alien!)

there is nothing remotely just or heroic about dying from self-imposed anaphylactic shock in the throes of a childish tantrum. at the most i’ll get a relaxing few minutes of sleep.

Is Alt!Callie bluffing now? Even a resurrecting death could throw her off.

> ==>

FUCK YES JADE.

JADE: do you really want to risk it?

what are you talking about, jade? i just said--

FUCK YES JADE, BE A HUGE WITCH

(i say in the most witch-connotatively and non-classpect-related way)

JADE: i dont know, callie JADE: ive never really understood the rules that govern the death of a god tier, have you? JADE: it seems pretty arbitrary from where im standing JADE: who makes the decision whether or not something is heroic or just?

...that’s unclear. but it certainly isn’t you.

JADE: right, of course not JADE: but are you so confident that youre a good guy? JADE: are you sure that the alpha timeline WANTS you to be here?

...what.

JADE: youve done some stuff, callie JADE: im only saying you shouldnt be so quick to assume that me killing you wouldnt be just JADE: and that taking my own life to do it wouldnt be heroic

Even with JUST this one fucking situation Alt!Callie put her in, throwing off her control forever by dying would be shortsighted but HELLA JUST. What Alt!Callie is doing to her is a crime.

Oh shit!?!?

> [S] ==>

What is this, HTML5? *clicks play*

...for a second, I thought this was gonna launch into a huge thing with that clock ticking song from the Felt album.

Having Rose and Dirk’s colors competing here really reinforces that... Prospit vs Derse vibe that was feeding the whole this-is-the-basis-for-the-game’s-structure-and-the-birth-of-Paradox-Space theory more earlier.

> ==>

i don’t let the witch manipulate me. i refuse to falter in the face of her whispers. without my careful planning and swift action, the prince would have taken full control over this timeline. none of my friends could even begin to imagine the turmoil.

In the end, you’re ignoring what’s right and brave in this instance to instead do something EXPEDIENT, to the exclusion of trust and compassion when things COULD work out just as well without taking the worst actions -- which is textbook villainous.

> ==>

JADE: they arent your friends!! JADE: you took them from me!

Now isn’t THAT a way to put it. :D :D :D

Alt!Callie is sinning almost as badly as Dirk, here. Viewing everyone else as characters in a story, the only way she’s ever viewed “friends”, and her as the not-so-humble narrator doing what’s best for all of them. If she’s going to win against Dirk -- or if that victory is going to MEAN anything -- she will HAVE to realize that she needs to be different.

JADE: you keep saying that youre doing all of this for my own good, but youre just lonely! JADE: i know you are, because so am i!

Ouch.

Will Alt!Callie force her to swallow it?

JADE: you said that being a space player is all about sacrifice JADE: well

> ==>

JADE: bet

...I guess she really might have an allergy.

> ==>

Aaaand the candy drops. A W A K E ! ! ! !

Yaaaaay Jade is BACK and we’ll get to see even more of her!!!

...please tell me on the next page she grabs the candy, noms it, and mentions she doesn’t have a peanut allergy after all. That would be sweet.

> ==>

...

Nope, you just leave us on a sad. Dammit, why do you gotta be all adult and showin’ us both sides in a moment of triumph, HS^2. Shucks.

Anyway, YAY JADE! C:

I am happy by this, if slightly too emotionally-rollercoastered by the past 24-hours to give this the full-rejoicing it deserves. That, and worried about the openings Dirk will get because of this... joy now for potential frustration later, even if Jade tries her best to let Alt!Callie back in in-time.

See y’all next time! And, uhm. I guess I’ll comment on whatever other asks I promised to comment on another less-eventful day. Keep reminding me and holding me to it though!

#Homestuck #hs2 #Homestuck Liveblog #upd8 #Homestuck^2 #bladekindeyewear #blastyoboots #(yes the past 24-hours includes witnessing everyone's despair at realizing the president is going to get our family members virus-killed)#Jade Harley

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megrimlocke · 4 years

Text

How We Are All Going to Die Laughing

The other day, I was looking at a post made by one of my favorite internet comic artists. The guy used to be something I’d read in the army newspapers, next to the adds for cheap TVs at the post exchange, but these days it’s mostly a facebook feed I occasionally read. The artist and writer behind “PVT Murphy” (though these days Murphy’s a sergeant, I’m aging after all it seems) was annoyed at Facebook showing him a shopping page offering what amounted to white nationalist (US neonazi, if you prefer) paraphernalia.

Now, I pointed out that this was what the robot had concluded he wanted to see, and honestly none of us should be surprised by this. Military members lean right, and in the age of Trump this means that radicalization is around every corner- though for the record it always has been. In some insidious ways with a cancer of racists and bigots among our ranks, sure, I know because being gay I was targeted by a few myself, but also in more subtle ways.

I once watched a man scream at some Iraqis who were emptying a waste bin nearby, screaming that they didn’t get him, because he’d been the target of an IED attack two hours prior. Those men had no way in hell of having anything to do with it, but the guy that hit us got away free and the trash guys looked like someone he could defiantly vent his feelings of helplessness and victimhood upon in a vain effort to reclaim his power. I’m not condoning it, I’m just saying that sometimes the path to prejudice isn’t paved with propaganda and privilege.

I have every faith in the artist who draws PVT Murphy himself, but if you attract the attention of a lot of white supremacists, then probably the robot is going to conclude that you might want to look at some of the things that all the people who like your posts are looking at. Hence the shop page that offered a wall pinup of a templar knight preparing to smite the saracen to defend (white) Christendom with a few crass remarks about Islam written on it.

Now I explained, in truncated terms, how the robot made this call. The artist wasn’t excited about this explanation, and in fairness no one is excited about the black mirror showing them something ugly, it’s almost like an automated attack. But the machine was really just trying to be helpful. It wasn’t programmed to be sensitive to racial issues, and certainly the people who took out the add didn’t take that into their considerations. It identified a pattern and arranged the delivery of data that conformed with its instructions based upon the data input.

Now, some right wing dude decided to join in this discussion to point out that the robot didn’t know what it was talking about, included the terms “lib” and “snowflake” in his post, and suggested that if the robot had any idea who he was it wouldn’t keep showing him liberal content- after all he always used the laugh react on it. I pointed out this part as well, but I’d like to go into a deeper analysis for this discourse.

The right, and perhaps a lot of people using the reacts on facebook, has decided that you can use the laugh react to express a dismissive chuckle to the words of others. I think this has several sweeping, problematic implications.

First, the people using the internet are using it to each other, and are either unaware of the robots they share the internet with or ignorant regarding how they function. The robots do not interpret Laugh as a dismissive gesture. The data they gather from this is that you were paying attention to something and decided to put a reaction on it. The Laugh react is not a downvote on reddit, the robot, innocent little helperbot it was made to be, assumes you are amused by the thing you clicked on, and so endeavors to further tickle your funny bone. In short, it’s your good-natured wholesome friend who doesn’t understand the difference between you laughing with liberals and laughing at us. It thinks we’re all friends.

This leads to the second problem. If you are a conservative and you do not care to be bothered with leftist posts, then using the laugh react doesn’t help you at all. It further engages you with the content that annoys you. The stuff that caused you to try and put on your dismissive “ha ha tawdry communist drivel” mid-atlantic aristocrat voice is going to keep appearing. If you’re the sort given to conspiracy theories (and you are my bro, you still hate Hillary for the pizza thing), you might draw the conclusion that you are being targeted by leftist internet operatives, spamming your feed with leftist propaganda.

The truth is you’re spamming yourself with leftist content because your socially clueless helpful robot pal is gonna go out and find more things for you to laugh at. You’re not special or important enough for leftist internet operatives to target your facebook feed with propaganda attacks, and you have damned yourself to an experience on facebook in which you are bombarded with annoying or even blood-boiling content. All of this guidance, by the way, is equally applicable to left leaning users of the laugh react as a dismissive gesture.

What this does is contribute to people’s paranoia. It makes them believe that an enemy that doesn’t exist is trying to get into their heads. It fills their electronic lives with incendiary content that makes them angry and it encourages them further to continue to have generally unproductive electric arguments with people that they disagree with, leaving them exhausted by a brain full of cortisol.

Personally, I think the Left’s electric sin is more to do with our frankly superior witticisms (sorry Right, you invented and stuck to Nobama, you’re just not witty) and the craving so many of us seem to have for delivering that sick burn one-liner so cutting and succinct that it stops the conservative dead in his rhetorical tracks seems to consume online political discourse on the left almost as aggressively as call-out culture does when arguing among our own.

In the effort to sell us more things by pandering to our professed passions, the capitalist internet has created an electric rage engine that wraps you into one heated argument after another among people who are not listening to one another and who are learning to disengage from hard discussions. This last part is so dangerous to our democracy.

To be clear, I’m not lamenting the death of compromise specifically. There can be no compromise on the income gap, healthcre, free elections, or the rights of people who are darker in skin than I. But the electric rage engine makes it difficult to even have conversations about these things in the real world, and if you’re not talking to the people you disagree with face to face in the here and now, your chances of finding compromise are precisely zero percent, nevermind actually changing their views.

Have you noticed yourself having conversations with people that could just be copy pasted almost word for word off the tumblr where they “informed” themselves about this topic? I’ll bet that you have. Or else, more dangerously, you have begun to avoid having such conversations at all with people. Have you ever been in a discussion turned friendly debate with your friend and realized after a few moments that the debate isn’t suddenly so friendly? I’m willing to bet it’s been a while, so much so that you might even be shocked if it happens.

People like to go on about how fraught the holidays can be because of how politically charged family dinners can be, but I can’t remember such an experience within the past ten years. No throw down arguments, no discussions about the merits of one tax policy or another- we can’t even seem to discuss weighty matters with people who are blood kin anymore unless we already know they agree with our own views- and thanks to the electric rage engine, we can know, in precis, what their views are and what we think about them as a result long before we ever think about what to put in our covered dish. The opportunity for someone stepping into a landmine social or foreign policy issue at family and social gatherings has been eliminated, and with it the ability of the dinner table to serve as a place for families to reach consensus by resolving their arguments. We don’t talk politics with people who disagree with us in the real world anymore, we all just avoid it and spit our venom on the internet, achieving nothing but our mounting unhappiness and dislike for one another.

I have a young colleague at work, maybe 25, who demonstrated the ability to just promptly end a discussion last week. Now it was a nonsense discussion and in fairness the participants had gotten into trolling him for kicks, saying a blue shirt was green on purpose or some other nonsense, I don’t remember the particulars. But what I do remember vividly was the ease and efficiency with which he was able to simply end the discussion, how disengagement came so very naturally to him. I despise the phrase “agree to disagree” because it means that the argument hasn’t been resolved, but it is at least a sign that there was actual thought going on between participants. No such gesture here. My colleague put down the conversation and simply went back to his work with all the ease with which you might put down your phone when you decided you were done arguing with someone, and the ability to do this in realspace chilled me to the bone.

Moreover, there is a certain epistemological nihilism that has arisen among us, suggesting that no one can truly know anything because the sources of information, with whatever omissions or biases they may possess, are a matter of consumerist choice rather than objective fact. We can’t agree on what is real anymore because if you dislike someone’s account of events, you can simply get someone else to present a more palatable story and declare the other people liars.

If you don’t like what you read on NBC, you can simply tune to Fox to hear it told in a way that you choose to consume, often playing to your appetite for validation rather than your need for actionable information. We like feeling right, and the consumerist information economy has identified that as a means to get our attention long enough to upload some ads along with our news video of choice.

If the very identity of a person can be expressed by a computer algorithm and 4 or 5 hundred clicks across news articles, think pieces, and shopping pages, how easy will it be for the people who do understand how the machines work to begin influencing who we are?

In closing, I think every single one of us is developing a progressively more toxic relationship with the internet, particularly when it comes to political discourse, and I think that if we aren’t especially careful our ability to simply shut down and switch off, while healthy on the web, is going to begin invading our lives in the waking world in insidious ways that will hurt our ability to function as a cohesive society. I think that the marketing robots and the very act of making a profile and posting to it things that are important to you are dangerous influences on our sense of identity, and that by wrapping our sense of identity in the ideas and products that we consume in such a contrived, calculated fashion that we are restricting our ability to be flexible in our thinking, making us less able to get along with one another.

I’ve been on a soft departure from Facebook for a good while now, making it my loose rule to stick to messenger and instagram because I like indulging my vanity but for the most part I want to be interacting with people directly and not selling myself for likes when I use these things. Real attention from real people is much much better.

In 2020, I invite you to join me in kicking facebook or your own social media vice altogether and bringing our political lives and our debates back into the real world so that we can practice and re-acquire the skills of persuasion and discussion; not as a cynic call to begin trying to convert every conservative we can find, but for the sake of a political discourse that serves as less of a battleground with immovable ideological fortresses and more of a crucible in which the useless can be burned away and useful consensus and meaningful, mind changing-discussions can be had once again. We cannot afford to keep unsubscribing from one another if our democracy is to survive. (<- leftist witticism addiction in demonstration)

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aclockworkfilmsnob · 5 years

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You probably did a big post on it already, but since Tumblr's search function blows I cannot find it, but what about Beach Bum made it so profound to you? I'm super curious and kinda wanna watch it just based on your enthusiasm alone.

I have NOT made a big post on it so I guess here’s my opportunity to. This is gonna be LONG.

A while ago a dumb YouTube channel called whatculture made a video last year called “these will be the worst movies of 2019” or something like that. Obviously I watched it to make fun of it because that’s such a dumb assumption to make for EVERY movie you have negative feelings about, but when they got to The Beach Bum I was sort of taken aback since I’d never even heard of that film before.

What caught my attention the most is that I have had this seriously emphatic love for beaches since I was really really little. And I’ve always wanted to see more movies take place on beaches or in beach towns/cities. Not to mention, for complicated reasons, I hadn’t been going to the beach much basically since I started college.

So the film had my attention for those reasons alone, and on top of that it looked to be very much in the vain of something like The Big Lebowski and Inherent Vice. I followed it enthusiastically to find out when it would get an official release, until I was overjoyed to find out that the very theater I work at would be screening it.

So I saw it, and I liked it. Wasn’t head over heels, but impressed by how well it managed to work (for me) and bummed that no one was talking about it. Both McConaughey and the music for the film had me hooked from the moment I saw it, easily my favorite aspects on first watch.

It took me a while to actually revisit it beginning to end, but I would honestly go as far as to say a day did not go by since my viewing of the film where I didn’t at least think about it once. I vividly remembered all of the characters, so many jokes were still fresh in my head, and anytime I saw a new 2019 movie that I was sure had beat it, I still found myself wanting to revisit it over any of those others (movies that include John Wick 3, Midsommar, and Us, which are all fantastic). It got to a point where I’d revisited so many scenes on YouTube that I would jokingly quote the movie to friends, a movie I’ve literally only seen once.

So when I rewatched it I really really loved it. The pacing was smoother, the strange choices in editing didn’t bother me anymore, Jonah Hill’s preformance (which at first I thought was kinda bad) grew on me a lot, I laughed much harder, and I found a lot of deeper things going on than I had on my first viewing. I was also glad that the friend I watched it with loved the movie as well.

The film is ultimately about a burned out poet in Key West, Florida, who has not been as active in his writing as he should be. He spends most of his days partying, drinking, doing drugs, hanging out with people and at times being really destructive, all for his own pleasure. The movie implies he lives off of his rich wife, who is inexplicably attracted to him, even though the film sells their relationship really well. Can’t say a whole lot beyond that point, you just gotta watch it to see what keeps it interesting.

The movie is just so it’s own thing. It’s as chill as it is chaotic. Moondog (Matthew McConaughey) is a reckless degenerate in parts, but like a culmination of Jeffrey Lebowski and Alex DeLarge, you have to respect that he’s just so in touch with his own world that he can keep living life that way. It’s honestly just fascinating.

The film also has a core thesis point about living life to the fullest. And while it seems very on the nose like it’s saying one very exaggerated message about having fun and letting loose… it’s honestly not that simple upon further inspection. There are a lot of contrasting subtleties in the movie that do not in any way glorify the idea of being an unproductive, useless member of society, and it took me my second viewing to figure that out and love the movie even more than I already had.

But I must say to advise with caution. I’m one of the weird human beings on earth who thinks that moving to Florida is a good idea (well, maybe not with a teaching job, but you get the idea), that all the mayhem of that state is worth sunny beaches and scuba diving. The films celebration of Parrothead culture and it’s distinctly ironic sense of humor was basically Taylor made for people like me. There might be a very good reason I was only one of two people in my theater watching the movie. I definitely recommend the film because I want more people to watch it and I think it has a bright future for a cult film status, but I do tell people to advise with caution because it’s probably not for everyone. But it’s short and it’s different, so I’d call a viewing of it overall harmless.

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alicezan-ncgred · 5 years

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Bleeding Red

Preface: I’ve been bitching around the bush of this long enough. So, I’ve been really silent on a bunch of stuff that’s been eating me alive which has made me both inactive and unproductive. I’m going to get straight to the point, starting off with the TL:DR from my post on my main blog. Context: An anon asked me if I was alright because I hadn’t updated in a while.

TL:DR You probably didn’t ask this to hear about all the bad shit of my life so here’s the short of it. No, I’m not doing fine. I will try get next weeks post out on time and I’ll work on making up on the lost posts. Updates will return regularly, ‘ite.

Time for the thick and thin of it.

Insecurity and being shafted: I’m stoic, even at my worst I won’t say anything. I’ll push through regardless of my current condition and since I’ve gone years like this, it’s not hard for me to do. In my real life situation, I’m currently in a place of social isolation. This has lead to a somewhat near reliance on Tumblr to be my social outlet. This present many issues.

The main one is that I’m quite the isolationist. This has only been reinforced by many interactions throughout the entirely of my life. Because of this, I can’t say I’ve ever had anything really more than two friends at a time. While in a way this has helped me express myself so well through writing, it’s come at the cost of social skill. I don’t talk to anyone.

With this kind of issue you could easily imagine that the THREE PEOPLE (four now, but very limited) to ever directly talk ended up in a way shafting me. The first blocked and disconnected with me without warning or reason. At this point we’ve been talking to each for about a month and we hit it off very well and then one day, silence. Never heard from them again. That fucked me up hard when I finally realized what happened.

The second person left during the Tumblr P**n Purge. We were talking about how to contact each other on other platforms and then they stopped responding. I had already given contact to other platforms of which they pinged me in any way. Another person that I trusted massively on here just abandoned me and I’m still hurting from that. Wasn’t fair at all.

Then the third person was someone that I been following for a while. This person is actually the reason that I’ve been putting this off for so long. I don’t want them to see this post but they will. I got an ask from them that ultimately turned out to be misinformation. I said I wasn’t mad but I was. I was so fucking angry about it and I’m still kinda mad, but I didn’t want problems. I still don’t. I just didn’t want them to worry about it. This will come back later.

I try my best to be as inoffensive as possible. The problem with that is that much of the things I believe or enjoy are highly divisive. Hell, even my own identity can be seen as offence. I’m bisexual, non-binary (I’m currently still questioning this. I might actually be gender fluid but in the overall scheme, that’s worse than being non-binary), and nonreligious. I’m in a very religious area so you I’m still “in the closet” about much of this IRL. I though it would better online but with how much people are saying bisexuality doesn’t exist, or that non-binary isn’t a valid gender (or that being gender fluid make you insane and you should be locked up) and all the hate people who say they are this are getting, the very community that’s supposed to accept me, HATES me. I had a bi pride flag icon last year during Pride Month. I never doing that ever again. It was terrible.

I’m trying my best to come out of my shell like I said I would when I made this blog but it seems I’m just crawling further into it. People I think I can trust keep setting me up to fall, people I know in real life won’t ever accept my existence if they knew who I really was, and my own mental health problem and self loathing are eating me alive. But that isn’t the total of it.

Crumbling Pillar: I’ve always ended up in the position where things were thrown onto me. In which no one wanted to do, I was stuck with. Because of this not only do I have a severe distaste being around my family (beyond everything mentioned before hand) but I grew to have a negative out look on everything. This effect is still quite obvious in my writings, especially my poems. Out of the 14 poems on my poem blog @washed-soul, only one has a happy meaning.

The one happy poem was called dreams. Under a metaphor it talks about how a demon kept me trapped in a dark space. I start to get better and nearly break free before I have a negative relapse back to my old ways. The poems ends with the demon putting a end to itself leaving the nightmare in which it was keeping me in to slowly fade away, letting one crack of light peeking through to become a window to a door until one day I walk free. When writing this poem, I never thought I would find myself rebuilding the nightmare but that’s where I am.

I’m done with holding things together that other people have placed onto me. Because of this, issues have began showing in my private life. Issues that should’ve been solved decades ago are only now being addressed. This change in the status quo of my life has caused many issues in my productive and mood. Between everything else I’m too tired to do anything.

Is that a reason, is that an excuse. No it isn’t but it’s the best thing I got as a reason. I’m doing my damnedest to do the best I can but of course, when it comes to the thing that matter I just fall short. Big fucking whopha my intelligence and capability does me if I can’t use it for anything that means a damn.

Meaningless Triviality: I’m a very emotional person. I’m very strongly bound to my emotions and if everything above hasn’t given it away, my emotions are very negative prone. But it just doesn’t stop there, it goes back into my memories. I can only honestly place 3 happy memories for certain that aren’t either A) a dream or B) me escaping reality through my mind. Besides that, almost all my memories are negative.

People like to throw around the word Nihilist to describe themselves because today's culture is very, god while I hate to use this word, edgy. For those who don’t know a Nihilist is someone who views the world as being completely meaningless and reject all religious and moral principles. I very truly struggle with this outlook of life. It’s a daily for me to berate myself saying “just kill yourself” or “I want to die” or just shutting down and crumpling up while say “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry” over and over again. Hell, I did that while writing this.

I take things very hard, even the slightest transgression. I’m so used to trying to make things perfect and because people have the image that I’m the smart one, the mature one, the capable one, I’m left with the over hanging expectation of excellence. Almost no room for margin of error or being human. Since I’m the silent type, I put up no challenge and work to meet it. Only time I get any praise for anything too.

I guess as a little self promotion to my main blog, for those that have read the very first few updates of my main blog @the-truth-behind-redacted, or read Defiance’s character sheet, while The Machine and Defiance are separate character, they both share the name Machine. That in part is a reflect of said above expectation. How ravenous and inhuman it can be all under the guise of something human. Those characters are the two sides to the same coin.

Remember how I said I try to be un-problematical and how I try to avoid any potential conflict. In the first segment I told on how I lied about my feelings just so another person didn’t have to worry over something that honestly, in hindsight, wasn’t even really a big deal. But I also said how it consumed me in anger. I just don’t want to bother anyone over anything. It’s part of the reason why I am writing this post, as some way of a self enforced rehab program to get better.

This absolute consumption of negative emotion has pushed me into a non human state before. I hit a point of absolute mental exhaustion and in such a self enforced bubble of actual hatred I became completely apathetic. I felt numb to everything. I watched and heard of terrible things happening to people, and felt nothing. I watched people lives crumble before them leaving them nowhere to go and LAUGHED. “Just another worthless pathetic worm on this rotting carcass of a planet being hit with the hard reality that life doesn’t care for them. What whimsical pathetic bullshit they deluded themselves with to think otherwise.” This isn’t an exaggeration on how I thought, this is what I actually thought. Which brings me too.

The Mandatory Sob Story: Roll your eyes everyone and get the tiny violin. I guess in order for everyone to exactly understand the place I’m coming from when it comes to mental health I’ll have to detail my experiences. I have a long standing history with mental illness. I have professionally diagnosed OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, and visual and auditory hallucinations. I take 600 mg of Seroquel a day as well as Amitriptyline when needed. I’m also still currently in therapy to deal with said OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, the visual and auditory hallucinations, as well as Suicidal thoughts, and my Nihilism. There’s a reason to why I’m so god damn familiar with mental illness and treatment plans.

OCD and Bipolarism run in my family on my fathers side. My Father’s Father had them, my Sister has them, my brother most likely has them (however he refuses to see a doctor because he uses said possible mental illnesses as a get out of jail free card. He doesn’t want to be treated and he has FUCKING ADMITTED IT), my father has them, and I have them. I, however, have the misfortune of having it real bad. I said yes to well over half of all the total symptoms when I was being tested (I don’t remember exact numbers but I remember there being three pages worth of common symptoms) which was very worrying to the doctor. I was currently in an inpatient hospitalization program at the time for both suicidal thoughts and actions, and severe depression.

On that, my graze in with suicide. Before I went into my first inpatient program I was contemplating suicide. I was sat in front of a mirror with a bottle of over the counter medication. It was an unopened bottle of ibuprofen, 1000 200mg tables. What I planed to do was down the whole bottle with benadryl and die in my sleep. I had the small box of benadryl got from the Kroger pharmacy and a hand full of ibuprofen poured out looking directly into the mirror. My suicide note was sitting on the desk on my room with an online copy on my laptop open.

I sat there for an hour in the dead of midnight complicating my life. I had lost all hope in the world, filled with hatred, anger, pain, and despair. I had no god or after life to look forward too, part way hoping that a Hell existed for me to burn in. I hated myself that much. I was close to taking the first handful before before I caught a glimpse of my own eyes in the mirror. In what was in a weird sudden epiphany I realized that I truly did become what I hated but not for any reason I told myself. I became the very bastion of negativity I sought to fight and rid of in what little friends I did have. That was what set off my path to recovery in spite of the medical system. I guess if people care I’ll make a separate post on that.

Before I move on, I feel I should explain my history with the visual and auditory hallucinations. It should be no surprise that with everything else above, I also had extreme paranoia that led to me having very bad insomnia. Insomnia is, just like most other medical disorders like Depression, Self-harm, Anxiety, OCD, Bipolarism, is romanticized to hell. Insomnia isn’t having one nights bad sleep where you got 5 hours of sleep instead of 8.

You know what Insomnia is? insomnia is being physical incapable of sleeping despite not sleeping in 2 to 3 day while your body suffers massive agony brought on by this. Muscle spasms and seizing, difficulty breathing, your eyes feeling like fire ants are eating them, and of course visual and auditory hallucinations. Now I already had issues with visual and auditory hallucinations even when I could get sleep regularly but the combined effects of my OCD and Bipolarism made this perfect condition of Insomnia, Anxiety, Paranoia, with the already added in disposition to hallucinations and I felt like I was actually losing my mind.

My hallucinations presented themselves in three forms. Disassociation of reality, night terrors, or alterations of reality. Disassociation of reality often were complete black out moments. I would lose any perceived connect to reality and enter an episode of my mind. I can’t remember what they actually were but I do remember what it felt like. Cold sweats, anxiety to point where if I didn’t lock up I would vomit, actual physical pain, mind numbing fear, and intense fatigue.

The second were night terrors often in the form of horrific “things.” I do remember these and most of them were as best as I could describe, forms of things that were vaguely human and formations of industrial machinery. The most vivid one I remember was of a long lengthy apparition that was for the most part human but many locations of it’s impossible physiology were rebar beams and mechanical sockets. It began when I was about to fall asleep and it was next to my window. The thing was making week groaning and gasping sounds before it violently slammed against my window breaking it then letting out a horrific howl that I can’t describe as it tossed itself out followed shorty after with the sound of bones breaking against the dirt.

Now that might not seem so bad, exspecally with everything that is in horror movies or games now, but keep in mind that was fucking real to me. It was as real as the clicking of the keys of my keyboard as I’m writing this. As real as the chair I’m sitting in and as real as the wall in front of me. As far as my mind was concerned that thing, what ever it was, actually existed. It took me physical touching my window to make sure it wasn’t actually broken and checking outside to see if there wasn’t a body there. This isn’t the type of thing I talk about lightly.

Finally there is the alteration of reality. This is very simply but it’s something that fucked with me hard. For very little meaning or warning, I would have trouble interpreting the world around me. My hearing and sight would be warped and there wasn’t any real way to tell what I was hearing or seeing was real or not until the episode was over. The way I got through these was the ultimate fake it till you make it. Obviously, very often I failed and this created issue in my schooling.

Ending Message: I’ve been in a very bad state for a while now and as it is now, no signs of getting better. I also strongly believe my medications are being to fail me which I’ve been telling my doctor and therapist for over a year now but nothing’s been done. Mainly it’s my Depression but insomnia episodes are beginning and my own paranoia been on the rise. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even look at a creepy image or thumbnail without having a very bad episode.

I’ve managed to eat something today which was nice but my body is cramping hard. And to possible stave of a possible comment, I’m biologically male. Like I said I’m not in the best head space, or living for that matter. If this gets better, only time will tell.

#Long post #tw: suicide #TW: Depression #Trigger Warning #TW #OCD #Anxiety #Chronic Depression #Bipolar Disorder #Bipolar #Mental Health #My mental health

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fallforfables · 6 years

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Goodness me, I sure do love finding about things happening in places I still have access to! A big hello to the TZ Fan Club on Facebook, who seem to have started off their evening with this:

I have a lot of thoughts about this post (and the person who made it), but the one thing I want to address is this: “...even though I’ve never met him personally like most of you have, I just know it for a fact...” I’d love to know what makes your impersonal experiences so much more valid than my personal ones. I’m understanding of people treating what I say with skepticism, especially considering how hard he fought to erase my existence while we were dating so it’s extremely likely that you don’t have the context to know who I am, but there’s nothing inherently more valid or true in you saying, “I just know it!” than there is in me (or any of my other friends & acquaintances who have told their stories) saying, “I experienced it!” The rest of my commentary on this, particularly, is petty and unproductive, though, so I’ll reserve it and just keep playing Q&A.

I’m not sure what whoever he is currently dating has to do with the experience I had while dating him? Or how your interactions with her have any relation to what he’s capable of.

Yes! I’ve posted about it on almost all of my social media, most (if not all) of which are public. I won’t offer links here because the people who read this blog and are entitled to those already have them and the ones who aren’t don’t need them. (Not to mention, I’ve had a lot of trouble in the past with his fans stalking me...I actually recognize a few of those names in this group, as it turns out!)

I agree, maybe he didn’t know he had HPV, but given that his normal practice was a) (possibly/probably still is) to not use condoms during sex and b) to eschew doctors at almost all costs, he should not have boasted so confidently that he was “clean”. Also, you seem to have misunderstood my story about going the procedure I had to go through because of the lesions the HPV caused. There were no “toys”, the wand I likened to a frozen dildo was a cryogenic medical tool that I had to be penetrated with by a gynecologist multiple times in order to get the pre-cancerous lesions out of my vagina. It was not a weird sex thing that he and I did, it was a medical procedure I had to have performed on me because of the disease he gave me. All of that is a fact and if it was that misunderstood, then I apologize for using what I guess was confusing language in my anger while recalling it as I wrote.

To the last other point above and this, I have to assume you haven’t read much of what I’ve written because I talk about my intentions constantly. I’m on Tumblr a lot and have been for a long time, including through my years of being involved with Terrance and his fandoms, so it’s not “such a random place” for me. I keep a blog because discussing my experiences with abuse is how I’ve been working through this trauma. I tag my content because I know I’m not the only person who had at best questionably upsetting and at worst abusive interaction with Terrance. When I was around in Repo!/TDC fandom, I knew there was a large tumblr presence, so it seemed like a fine place for the intersection of talking through my story for my own purposes and validating and/or warning others who have fallen or could fall victim to his incredibly damaging behaviour.

As someone who has been stalked, doxxed, and slandered by people on tumblr, also, I’m sorry you’ve been close to that experience as well. But you know what else hurts real victims? Picking and choosing which ones you think are “real”, based on your own set of biases.

“...It is not usually something that one goes blurting about on social media of any kind. It is rare too for victims to come forward or lash out to or about their aggressor.” Everyone processes their grief and trauma differently. I don’t begrudge you your own healing process, whatever it may have been and I wish that your unfamiliarity with mine wouldn’t keep you from paying me the same respect. Some people deal with things quietly. I have never been that kind of a person, which is also something I have talked about to great lengths in this very blog that no one actually seems to be reading, rather than just reacting to. In general, people seem to keep referring to me/this as “Tumblr”. “Tumblr is notorious for call-out posts”, “Tumblr is not to be trusted”. I’m not Tumblr, I’m me. I’m not notorious for anything except maybe once being like you all are now, very reactionary and violently defensive of someone who I had been manipulated into believing was a good person. I also made a lot of generalizations and I’m trying, in this case, very hard not to make more about any of you because while I recognize some of your names from my time in the fandom and as his girlfriend, I don’t actually know any of you or your experiences. What I do know is that whatever my assumptions or history or future is with any of you, I continue to hope that you stay happy and safe and never have to go through the things I did, with Terrance Zdunich or with anyone in your life. If anyone has any more questions or concerns, I’d love it if you addressed them to me directly instead of whispering behind my back. This absolutely is something that can and should be a conversation.

#me too #metoo #tz fan club q&a

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hoseokisme-blog · 6 years

Text

Carpe Diem

Chapter 1 :

Opening my eyes was the hardest thing to do for me. I could feel rays of light upon my face telling me that it was time to wake up.

Accepting to open my eyes would means that I have to face again an unproductive day. That was everyday struggle.

I'm not good when it comes to confrontations. All I do is run off situations that I know I'm not capable of handle.

I love being in control. Not fighting for life is my way to control it. If nothing is happening, if I'm not doing anything, if I don't stand up and live, I chose it. I decided it and accepted it because I'm the commander of my life.

I'm never going back to that time where circumstances of life controlled me and influenced my incoming days. Deception was all I gain.

I made it. I was finally awake but i felt like shit. Yesterday night I ate tons of food and quenched my thirst with some or should I say too much beer. I was still feeling guilty of my life style but I chose it. Stop blaming yourself girl.

I slowly dragged myself out of the bed and made my way to the bathroom. I didn't even take more than 15min to clean myself. Combing my hair was just a waste of time. Make-up? Who puts on cosmetics when you stay most of the time at home? Funny how before i used to spend 30 minutes on my daily make-up routine. What could I even do outside in this fake ass world though? Besides buying some groceries. I needed to feed myself after all and lord knows how much I eat.

After making my coffee and lit a cigarette, I was finally sitting in my living room eager to inhale nicotine.

«Bless be this coffee that helps me staying awake and those cigarettes that slowly are killing my lungs. Amen»

I said with a hoarse voice echoing in my not so furnished apartment. I always had the habit of talking to myself. That's not a mental illness right?

I felt my phone vibrating.

ASSHOLE is calling

I took a deep breath and said, "The fuck you calling me?" I was already regretting that i picked up my phone. How stupid I was.

The man behind the phone spoke to me, "This is how you treat the only friend you have?"

"Get dismissed. Who said I need your friendship or whatsoever?" I retorted.

"Ya ! Move your big ass from that shitty place you live in. Where did you go? I -" He angrily responded to me but I didn't let him the time to even finish his sentence.

"Cut it YoonGi. I'm not making a damn move. You can kiss my ass" I threw my phone somewhere in the distance and took another cigarette to burn my frustration.

Your call ended

He looked at his phone with a sulky face,

"She's probably on her periods. I need to do something with her bad attitude." He whined to his friend Jungkook who was sitting next to him.

"Man, just give up. Every day is the same useless arguments. And let me inform you that she can't be every single day on her periods." Jungkook answered with annoyance.

The youngest took a pause and continued, "Who knows she still might be. I would be not surprised that midget has some one of a kind dysfunctional sickness. Oh wait, is she even human?"

Yoongi knitted one's brow at his disproportionate reaction. She sure isn't the kindest girl right now but Jungkook's words were too harsh.

Yoongi grinned and proudly told back, "Don't be so salty with her 'cause she rejected you boy. And Jungkook, call me once again 'man' and I will punch you right in your pretty face of yours that makes girls drooling over you. You both are the same. Can't fucking put some respect on my name. Damn I'm older than you ! I'm your Hyung after all."

Jungkook didn't even care and left his sit "Get lost!"

That kid really needed some education.

"I don't understand why I'm still answering his calls. I should block his number." I told myself while reaching for my phone that i threw somewhere in the mess that is my desk.

I feel so pissed off right now. The few things that could possibly enlighten my day are scrolling endlessly on tumblr while eating some snacks and lay on my bed. Pissed off or not, i would have done that all day long until I fall asleep though.

"Who is that pretty boy? Oh sweet lord he got those moves though. I said with mesmerized eyes, I'm sure his mom delivered him while dancing!" Tumblr is really an eye candy place for a girl like me. I read the tag at the end of the post, "J-Hope" What an interesting name. Seemingly he's a choreographer.

I look at my belly and sigh deeply. If only i had fifteen kilos less i could dance again. But i guess food is the only thing that can cheer me up. When I'm sad? I eat. When I'm happy? I eat. When I'm angry at the whole wide world ? You guess it, i eat.

It is said that in order to live we must eat but for me it's more like i live to eat. I have one life to eat everything i want then when I'll rest down in my grave, I'll be reduce to caloric food for worms.

I was a party animal before i turn my back on what people consider as life. I was all over the place dancing around. Wherever I heard a beat or something catchy here I was moving my ass. Moreover when all eyes set on me I felt alive, noticed and sometimes desired. Since I'm a human wreck I don't think I would still give the same effect on people. Dance was dead when I put underground my old me.

"Meow"

"You're also hungry my baby. Aww mommy is gonna give you some meat. It's time to eat right? It's 9pm you must be starving"

As I'm getting up from bed to feed my cat, i heard a loud knock on my door. I don't get any visit since a year and i want it to stay the same way. Furthermore i didn't give my address to a single person when i moved out. Since i don't have a peephole i kind of freaked out of who could possibly come this late. I took the first thing that I could grab in the kitchen and went to open the door.

"Good eve- What the heck MinRae put that knife down. For god sake are you out of your mind? »

He found me. How did he manage to? I turn my back on him and walk to the kitchen to put back the knife and make some coffee.

He didn't change for a bit, still that same pale face and outstanding colorful hair. This time he dyed it green.

"Here you are. Drink quickly this up and never come back again" I say sternly, and put a cup of coffee on the table of the living room.

"I'm not here to create a big fuss MinRae. I'm tired of all this shit. It's been a year that you hiding yourself from us. You didn't even care to tell us where you were moving out nor explain us why. I called you every day ! The only answer that I have when the sloth that you are had the courage to pick up the phone is ' fuck you'. What the hell is wrong with you? You're such a selfish girl"

I can feel all his anger while YoonGi spit out all these words at me. He didn't even blink his sharp eyes once or stopped to take back his breath.

"Are you done?" I say with a big grin as if what he just told me hasn't even moved me a bit.

"Look at you. You don't even look like yourself. Are you training to become the fattest midget in the world? Is this why you fled from us?"

He comes at me and pulls my arm to force me to face him. Cocky as I am, I look straight in his eyes. I don't want him to feel like he impresses me.

"What's up with this belly? Are you pregnant?" He sarcastically says while gazing at my stomach.

Why his words hurt me so badly? I can sense sadness and anger fill up my throat. I'm about to explode. But I need to contain myself.

Now he's going near what used to be my piano.

"I can't believe you didn't even touch your piano for it seems months. Look at all that dust. Is it a garbage dump? How can you leave food and grime on one of the thing you used to cherish the most in this world?"

He's coming back at me and I can't face him anymore. He was right and I'm so mad that he is. I feel shattered. I can't even think straight. I don't know what to do or explain. My mind is blank. I don't know where to start. No words are coming. However I can feel tears running down my cheeks.

I hate showing myself vulnerable or weak. He doesn't deserve to witness that his words still have an impact on me. Friendship was over when I told myself that I don't deserve it anymore.

He pulls me in a embrace. I try to push him back but it was worthless.

"I'm sorry Minie. But I knew that I had to be rough on you to let your guard down." He pats my head. "I miss you and the others also do. Stop fighting with the people that cares about you."

Slowly a lot of old feelings are filling me up. Minie, that's what my friends used to call me. I can't deny that I missed the presence of YoonGi and being called by my nickname.

#jhope #hoseok #bts #reader x bts #hoseok x reader #female oc #rm #namjoon #seokjin #bangtan #suga #yoongi icons #jimin #jungkook #v #taehyung #angst #smut #fanfic

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jaime-etudier · 6 years

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These are just some tips from a professional procrastinator, on how I actually ever get shit done. What works for me may not work for you, but just give it a shot. I know these probably all seem like common knowledge, but sometimes having it listed out makes all the difference (Also I know this is a long ass post but I’ve bolded the main points and placed other important notes in italics so you can just glance over it if needed).

Part 1: Basic Tips

Don’t open youtube. It’s a deathtrap for me. A deathtrap leads to spiralling into the most unproductive day possible. It happens to me constantly. Maybe instagram, twitter, or tumblr is your deathtrap, but whatever it is, stay the fuck away from it. Here’s a couple of ways to do just that.

Forest: I know I’ve talked about it before but this app/chrome extension is the shit. Set it for a certain amount of time and it plants a tree. You can blacklist sites or apps and if you visit them, it kills the tree. If you leave the app or stop the timer before it’s done, you kill the tree. Just don’t kill the trees.

Put your phone in another room. I know. It’s hard. But it really helps eliminate distractions if you’re not using an app like forest. If you can’t do that, just focus on not allowing yourself to use it unless absolutely necessary. Self-discipline pays off in the long run. And that brings me to my next point.

Just do it. Too simple, I know. But literally just sit your ass down, take out your computer/textbooks, and get to work. If you force yourself to do even just 2 minutes of work, at least you’ve done something. It’s not about motivation at this point, it’s about discipline. As sappy as it sounds, you really can do whatever you put your mind to.

Make a list! Prioritize! Take it subject by subject, making a checklist on everything you need to get done. Once you’ve done that, go back and rate them on how important they are, and when they’re do. I use exclamation marks to demonstrate urgency. For example:

(!) Psyc: type notes

(!!) Hist: Essay assignment; read ch 1 & 2

(!!!) Engl: interview Assignment

(!!) Cjus: read ch 1,2, & 4

(!) Arab: outline section 3

WARNING: don’t let the list making process become procrastination. As soon as you finish making it, take the most important task, and get started on it.

Go with the flow. If you can’t force yourself to focus on the most urgent assignment, start on the assignment you’ll enjoy the most at that moment. If you’re enjoying it, you’re getting shit done. A lot of times, doing that one task is what will get you in the mood to knock out other tasks on the list.

Take breaks. Yeah yeah you hear this one all the time. I know. That’s because it fucking works. You need to take a few minutes of rest, even if it’s just to stretch out really quickly before hitting the next paragraph on that essay. However! Don’t! Let! Yourself! Get! Too! Distracted! While breaks are healthy and beneficial in most cases, I have a tendency to get massively side tracked by social media/Hulu. Grab a snack and some water, go outside for some fresh air, and then get back to work.

Part 2: Self Care

The self care routine for studying: this is one way that I get myself in the mood to study. Be warned, it can easily turn into a procrastination method, so don’t do it if you’re working on a last minute assignment.

Clean your study space. Clear of your desk, open the windows, make sure everything is really neat and tidy. The focus here should be on creating an environment that is conducive to learning.

Diffuse essential oils, burn incense, or light a few candles. When your space smells good, it makes it a lot easier to focus. Aside from this, alot of the oils and such can be really beneficial healthwise. I like using lemon when I need to focus, as well as a lavender and eucalyptus blend when I’m feeling sick or anxious.

Put on some music. Find some shit that really slaps. It just really gets you going. I usually lean towards classical music, jazz, or electronic shit without any lyrics. If I do listen to music with lyrics, it’s usually in a different language, like French or Korean (ARMYs where you at).

Tea! Or Coffee! Whatever floats your boat. If I’m going for the self care routine, I’ll typically make tea because it’s usually more relaxing for me.

Face mask! This one is just for fun, but I always feel 10x better after using a sheet mask or mud mask. Take some time to relax and study.

Take it slow. If you have the ability to study in this manner, aka not rushed as fuck, embrace it. Take your time and really understand the information in front of you. If it’s reading, annotate like crazy. If it’s writing, research and outline to your heart’s content. Enjoy the process. Learn cool shit. If it’s math, whip out a whiteboard and work all that shit out.

Part 3: Last Minute Studying

The next few tips are for when you’ve really fucked yourself over by procrastinating. Now you’re on a massive time crunch. It’s okay babe, take a deep breath; we’re gonna be a-okay.

Let yourself panic. One minute, tops. Any longer than that and you’ll probably spiral. Got it out of your system? Great. Let’s move on.

Know what needs to be done. Understand the parameters of the assignment and make sure you have everything you need. Does your teacher accept late work? If not, can you finish in time? As soon as you know this, sit your ass down and get started.

Don’t fuck around. If it’s an essay, just start typing. Don’t spend too much time on the outline at this point. After you’ve banged out a first draft you can look at structure and all of that. The important thing is that you have the content and your thoughts down on paper. Work on refining them later.

DON’T WORRY ABOUT PRETTY NOTES. If you’re studying last minute for an exam, now is not the time to practice hand lettering. It’s the time to drill as much info into your brain as possible.

Hit up Quizlet. Literally saves my ass at least 3 times a semester. Don’t just passively flip through flashcards either. Take tests, play games, do the reviews, print out sets if it helps to have it on paper.

If writing/typing things over and over is how you learn, do it, but don’t focus on it being neat. Make sure you understand the info and organize it in a manner that makes sense, but don’t spend too much time here. It can also help a lot to learn languages by repetitive writing, especially if they use an alphabet system different from your own.

Listen to notes. If you have recordings of your notes, listen to them. Try to know the info through as many senses as possible. Read them, write them, listen to them. Repetition is key if you need to know something in short time frames.

Embrace the Grind. As hard as it can be to work under so much pressure, you should eventually get into the swing of things. Once you hit that zone, don’t leave it until you’re finished. Limit your breaks, drink coffee (don’t forget water too), and try to finish the project in time.

Part 4: Turning in a late assignment:

Turn it in. I know it can be hard/anxiety inducing to turn in late work, but some points are better than no points.

Apologize to your professor. Let them know a) why it was late and/or b) how sorry you are for the inconvenience. I would do this through email, as well as in person, if possible. It shows that you care about the assignment and their class. Make it as sincere as possible, and hopefully they will accept it.

Come to terms with a lesser grade. If you turn it in late, you’ll probably get some points off, which is usually a fair deal. You had a responsibility to finish an assignment by a given time and for whatever reason you didn’t, thus consequences are inevitable. Just fucking accept the grade you get, as long as the content of your work is graded fairly.

Since you were under such a time crunch, there’s bound to be mistakes. Revise as much as you can, but turn it in as soon as possible. Accept that these mistakes may result in points off as well, but try to avoid really big ones.

AVOID DOING THIS IN THE FUTURE (aka see the first part of this post). Procrastination can be a bitch. Unless there are unavoidable circumstances causing you to do last minute assignments, just stick with trying to manage your time better.

That’s all I’ve got for today! I am a sophomore in college, so while I have some experience, there’s still so much for me to learn. Feel free to add any other tips that work for you as well!

#jaime etudier #studyblr #study tips #studyspo #university #high school

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