#protective twins who will kill for nacho

[gerandor]

You had the Salamanca blood. You were halfway to being a Salamanca. You were going to raze the Salamanca empire to the ground.

[ladybug023]

So, Tuco has a brother in law named Gonzo, which means he has a sister, which means it’s possible that Tuco is a uncle. That’s so fucking cute!

Here’s some HCs~

Camila and Gonzo are the healthiest and purest couple in the breaking bad universe. No abuse, no toxicity, just pure love and support. Gonzo is also the best husband ever.

Their dynamic is two sweet cinnamon rolls that deserve the world.

Tuco was not happy when he heard that Gonzo (his real name is Lorenzo) and his sister Camila were a thing. Camila had to stop him from killing Gonzo. He felt that Gonzo wasn’t good enough for his sister. He was just some nobody and she was a Salamanca, cartel royalty.

But when Tuco saw how they interacted and how much Camila loved Gonzo, he relented. But not without threatening poor Gonzo’s life a couple times.

Camila’s love for Gonzo blossomed because he was the only man she knew that was genuinely a good guy. Also, Camila has alway had a thing for thick boys.

Despite being a criminal, Gonzo doesn’t have a mean bone in his body. He’s a teddy bear who’d do anything for Camila. She calls him, “osito de peluche.”

Camila loves baking especially for her husband. She’s the reason why Gonzo fails every diet he tries to stick to.

Most of the Salamancas didn’t approve of the match so Camila and Gonzo got married in secret, in small church, with only Tuco and Nacho there.

This caused quite a lot of family drama. Hector was enraged that’d Camila would disobey him, he wanted to kill Gonzo to serve as a lesson but Tuco actually stood up against Hector for the first time in his life to protect his sister.

Tuco: You’re going to let them be happy or-

Hector: Or what?! You think you’re a big man now?! Huh?!

Tuco: If you don’t leave them alone then I’m out.

He threatens to leave the family business and Hector laughs in his face at first, but Tuco was being dead serious. He swore that he’d take Camila and leave the country. In the end, Hector relented.

Camila and Gonzo named their first son Hector to try smooth things over with him. Everyone accepted their marriage when they started having kids, even Hector. (Hector still treats Gonzo like a servant than a family member though.)

They have 4 bebés in total, 3 girls and one boy. Tuco loves his little nieces and nephews to death. He’s crazy fun loving uncle Tuco. Who spoils his nieces and nephews rotten. (If anyone ever found out that he plays dollhouse with his nieces, he’d have to kill himself.)

Camila doesn’t allow Tuco around them when he’s high or using, for obvious reasons. She even checks him before letting him in the house. She won’t hesitate to throw his ass out if he does come around high.

Lalo and the twins visit from Mexico occasionally and they get Christmas cards every year. Or Gonzo and Camila go up to Mexico to visit them.

Each one of the cousins is one of the children’s godfather.

Lalo loves to tease Gonzo. He calls him “Gordo.” Gonzo doesn’t mind the nickname, he just hates Lalo’s mind games. Lalo also doesn’t hesitate to exploit Gonzo’s love for Camila to get Gonzo to do something for him.

But Camila is very protective of her husband, especially around her family. If one of her cousins are giving him a hard time, she won’t hesitate to chew them out. Once Gonzo got really hurt while on a job with the twins and Camila screamed at them for ten minutes. Since she is their elder cousin, the two deadly assassins just sat there and took it.

The twins creep Gonzo out but they do treat him much like how they treated Nacho. They respect him for treating Camila like a princess and making her happy.

Honestly, poor Gonzo. Having to deal with the Salamancas every day and do their dirty work. But it all becomes worth it when he comes home every night to his amor Camila and their lil bebés.

[iorekbyrinson]

lalo salamanca headcanons

He's a black-hearted asshole. It's an important core aspect of his character and it can't be ignored.

He has a dead sibling. My HC is a dead sister who got married and then her husband killed her. Death lives cheek by jowl in the Salamanca family. There's a reason for those empty spaces.

He wasn't born with severe antisocial tendencies, and a naturally extroverted personality made him more open to experiences than some of his more rigid relatives. The rot set in to the idealism early, maybe 7 or 8 years old. I actually see the twins grappling with suppressing their feelings more than Lalo - he's the perfect adaptable boy-Prince that adapts to suit the family, and never really took the time to build anything under that veneer. He takes information in purely to benefit himself or benefit his family. The emotionality and empathy has been stripped away. This is a DARK character.

One of the roles he's tried on that he's put a little more into is the benefactor role to the peasants that live on/or near his estate, in fact most of the underlings associated with the Salamanca holdings. It reinforces to Lalo a sense of benevolence, which at its core is still basically transactional. The people under him have no choice to do what they do. It's the performance of helping them out that makes Lalo feel good about himself.

He was absolutely going to murder Kim when Jimmy left. That whole speech about the people the assassins killed at his hacienda reeked of a tit-for-tat situation. He no longer trusted Jimmy at all so he had no further utility to him as a lawyer. He was going to kill Jimmy's wife as punishment for that, torture the truth out of Jimmy when he returned from the laundrette, and then kill him.

Lalo's blue shoes tie into what I mentioned about him having an attachment to being seen as perfect/a benefactor/on the "right" side of things. Blue = personal law in BCS. Lalo never does anything that doesn't benefit himself or his family, so he always sees himself as following the correct path. He feels 100% justified in his sabotage mission against Gus, and then in the atrocities he commits in attempting to come back and bring him up in front of Eladio. He would actually feel morally angry at the implication any of that wasn't right - you protect yourself and you protect your family. In his eyes, he's bringing a liar and a traitor to justice, a snake who is attempting to bring down their cartel from the inside. In that respect, Lalo has a parallel with the most unlikeliest of BCS characters - Chuck McGill.

The insomnia is the barest of brush strokes that imply Lalo's possible ambivalence about the life he was born into. Gilligould have notoriously not given the characters of colour much contextual depth at all outside of roles that serve the cartel story, and Lalo is no exception, but I still think it was the barest of indicators of another story being played out there. Like Howard Hamlin dissuaded early on from putting up his own shingle and making an identity for himself outside of what his father expected of him, Lalo, neck deep in the lifetime role of cartel Prince, may have felt the twingings of his own destiny being held away from him. TDalton's comments about Lalo believing he could die at any point has an interesting, nihilistic extension here - so why bother?

He's a Hufflepuff. His people, his group, and himself above all. Duty, discipline, and "fairness" - all Puff traits. His contempt for Slytherin Gus is for Gus's refusal to accept his position and bend the knee - he sees Gus's strident individualism as selfish, in comparison to his own lifelong commitment to his family and the cartel. On the positive side, he can do a surface level cohesion with groups, some performative actions of good on behalf of the group(s) he identifies with, and skilfully takes Nacho and sends him up to the boss. There's a reason old ladies seem to adore Lalo - he, in an entirely selfish sense, works within the group.

[el-michoacano]

Blame it on your greatness fic，my brain is already controlled by the twins and nacho's ship🔥Can't help pouring out！

The way the twins view nacho should be interesting, considering that nacho is probably the only one who hates violence but keeps rising through the ranks of violent criminal organizations. This means that he may be the first non-sociopath that the twins can get to know intimately.he has both the qualities needed to be a law-abiding, traditionally good person and a law-breaking Salamanca. Like a colorful creature that intruded into their black and white world.

The first impression is out of place, yet his performance proves that he is well adapted to the world.

Their previous experience was overturned by him cause his appearance is so deceptive: impressively beautiful eyes and eyelashes (like a deer), a soft voice, and a size that is petite in comparison to them.

He may be both contradictory and mysterious to them.

They trust his ability and are protective of him.Admire his clever, loyal and beautiful little head, while feeling that his body is much more fragile than theirs.

He may have been the first to receive the blood of a salamanca, and may have been the first to be saved rather than killed by the twins. And they are also the only two salamanca who have not been harmed by nacho‘s direct design.

They are also the only salamanca who neither talk too much nor lose their temper for no reason, and in this respect they may be special to nacho, considering that other salamanca are either chaty or old Geriatric menopause (sorry, hector, you deserve）

They all have their own insistence on dressing.They are not good boys，they are fashionable boys😂 I'm already imagining the aftershave they each use.

By the way, they're all young（Sorry, lalo, You're still charming ）so any drama like idiot high school students is forgivable.

Compared to nacho who only dares to observe salamanca secretly， twins can freely observe and gaze at nacho to release their curiosity. nacho may be creeped out by their unobstructed vision. also be frightening by their unpredictable physical contact. nacho in their side to show both a sense of security and a little scared look feel very cute.

I am incoherent. The central idea is that the ship is completely underrated, cannon is not much but full of sexual tension.（Tell me I'm not the only one who felt strong sexual innuendo from the blood transfusion episode, and I'm not a pervert，maybe.🤣）

Okay, like, I can't even add anything to this! 🖤

[riotgrrrlhole]

Why I am so obsessed with the relationship between Subaru Sumeragi and Seishiro Sakurazuka and draw lacho so much with reference from this dudes? The answer is cause man their relationship is mf complex 🚬

Subaru Sumeragi is the next Onmyoji in the Sumeragi clan and Seishiro Sakurazuka is the head of the Sakurazuka clan after killing his mother ( the only way to be head of that clan is killing the last leader ) . Seishiro was tasked to kill Subaru as a kid but him being the wildcard sociopath that he is and impressed by Subaru’s purity decides to play a game instead , they will meet again in the future and if he manages to have feelings for Subaru he will spare him his life .

Now here is a warning cause CLAMP just loves to pair teens with young adults sometimes ( and like this is actually more healthy than Sakura’s teacher and her friend of like 12 years old being engaged or something ) and they meet again , Subaru is 16 and Seishiro is 25 posing as a veterinarian, this is where the events of Tokyo Babylon take place which involve a lot of magic , and homoerotic moments like this.

Seishiro always tells Subaru he loves him or protects him , even loses an eye for him , and all is gay and dandy until Subaru realizes he loves him too and then Seishiro reveals himself as the head of the Sakurazuka and tries to kill him ( totally Seishiro logic)

Now I forgot to mention but Subaru has an older twin sister named Hokuto who loves Subaru dearly and makes a deal with Seishiro to take her life instead of Subaru’s , he agrees and kills her BUT before Hokuto dies she casts a spell who’s purpose is known later , during the events of X-1999, Subaru is emotionally destroyed by this cause he lost two of the most important people of his life at the same mf time

Years pass and now we are in 1999 and the apocalypse is coming , Subaru is 25 and Seishiro is 34 , Subaru returns to Tokyo to fight as a dragon of heaven ( they choose to protect humanity ) and Seishiro is chosen to be a dragon of earth ( they choose to save the earth ) , Subaru hates Seishiro and has wanted revenge against him for the death of his sister but still we got all this sexual tension

To sum things up they have their last fight and Seishiro tries to pierce Subaru’s heart with the same technique he used to kill her sister and that’s when we know what Hokuto’s spells was , she wished for her brother to not die the same way she did so , Seishiro did not in fact pierced Subaru’s heart but his own , killing himself , and this was something that Seishiro KNEW all along but still he wished to die by Subaru’s hand .

Like this is love / hate / rivalry /obsession/ sacrifice/ Subaru and Seishiro are parallels the same way as Nacho and Lalo and I just looove to mix things I love and think they match together

[chelleztjs18]

Hello you mrs. honey nut cheerio lefty eyebag 😅

The view is okay. It was nice when it was snowing really hard. And what's great was that it wasn't that cold outside. Aw well maybe when you get back to Oklahoma, there will be snow on the ground.

Ooh pulled pork nachos.. what kinds of toppings do you put on your nachos? Can you taco bout it..🤣🤣🤣 in queso wanna know what to make for nacho nights 🤣🤣 but I don't want to be jalapeño business about it... hahahaha ok ok. I'm done with the puns for now.

Haha I can't tell you my secrets! Think of the pasta-bilities if people knew the meal to my heart 😅

Oh I like when my partner does it. It's just too ticklish for me too. But what's worst is that if they go up to my ear, then I'm out. My whole body is gone. I've melted.

So I just finished reading it, and I instantly thought of Wanda being their first love. My heart broke when she left R because of the guilt. But I just want to know though, why does R keep killing to cope? I understand that they were protecting the people they love, but then why kill more people? And are the people innocent or have they done something shitty?

I've watch too many criminal minds, law and order and CSI. It's always the whys that intrigues me.

You still working on part 4?

-CuriousGeorge

hello hello corn-punn!

sorry for the late reply.. i got busy with chores. i had a lot to do.. tomorrow i have to start packing up a bit by abit. Yeah i hope the same for the snow when i get back.

omg! hahahahahah. daaang! calling u corn-punn was the right decision that i made. lol. i'm not kidding, u made me laugh n smile because those whole paragraph of puns were sooo funny! thank you!

Tell me more puns if u have it, will u? hahaha. pretty please? :D

oh my god! pasta-bilities? good one! good one! lol. okay, well i guess u can tell me someday. :) whats ur favorite pasta.

here is the nachos that i had.

well, if people knew ur favorite pasta that goes to ur heart, imagine the chances for u to find ur mrs. right. :)

haha well it doesnt sound like something worst. it's one of the best (at least for me). i like it when they go up to my ears too. especially when u can hear their soft breathing or little / soft sound they make. haha.

i wanted the part 2 of TMW to be more about the emotions from both Nat n R. yeah, of course i gotta put Wanda in the fic. she is my favorite. :D i love the maximoff twins (but the aaron johson pietro).

well, i wrote R killing to cope just to show more that she is basicly fucked up. just like R said to Nat, that anybody has potential to be a monster, they just need the right push. So in my imagination, it's kinda like Love in You series if i'm not wrong, R is actually compulsive and it takes only 1 kill to make her do it again n again whenever she is emotional. I imagine R is angry n maybe deep down after she accidentally killed Wanda's dad she felt good about it. so she killed more n more until she doesnt feel bad about her victims n get used to it. I hope this answer doesnt confuse u n i hope it makes sense.

So R is fucked up in mind, compulsive and obsessive n she never really get some love even from her parents. So when she loves someone, she would literally do anything for them. that's what i have in mind about R.

I imagined sometimes R kills someone innocent but mostly someone who annoys her.

no worries,i totally understand. I am the same. I love watching movies like that. i love watching serial killer documentary because i want to know the why's. :D

next question? but i think u r asleep now.

Cheerio!

[snothing]

Mar’i’s going on a date Drabble

I wrote this a while ago, and never really finished it. I decided oh what the hell and posted it. Sorry for any spelling mistakes! 

Also, love triangles, jealousy, and protective (immature) twin brother galore! 

“I can’t go on the mission tonight.”

Seven pairs of eyes peered at the seventeen-year-old Prince of Tamaran. Jake was out of his Nightwing uniform, donning instead a comfortable pair of blue jeans and a loose-fitting t-shirt. He looked out of place amongst his fellow Titans, who were all donning their superhero uniforms.

“Are you joking, Grayson?” Damian growled, getting up from the monitors. The Boy Wonder stalked right up to Jake, the opaque lens of his mask glared at the younger boy. “We’ve been staking out the warehouse for an entire week! You can’t just bail now.”

“Yeah, Jake. There’s literally a shipment coming in tonight,” Lian spoke up, arms crossed. She tried her best to rein in her disappointment, but the displeasure was evident in her features.

“Sorry, guys,” Jake responded sheepishly. “Sometimes things just pop up, but hey, tomorrow, I’ll be back in duty and ready to unleash some Tamaranean hell.”

“Like that’ll do us any good,” Jai West snorted. “You’re like one of our heavy hitters.”

Irey was inclined to agree with her brother. “Yeah, Jake. We could really use you in the air with Jon. Are you sure you can’t come tonight?”

Jake shook his head apologetically. “Positive. Look, I’m really sorry, guys. I know I really dropped the ball on this, but it’s really out of my hands.”

“Tell me, Grayson,” Damian narrowed his eyes. He resisted the urge to look up. Even though they were only two years apart, Jake held two inches over him, a source of contention for the ex-assassin. “What’s more important than stopping an illegal shipment of kryptonite firearms?”

Jake glared and stood his ground. “It’s personal.”

“Oh come on, Jake,” Jon elbowed him. “You can’t just quit on a mission like that and not tell us.”

“Yeah, tell us, Jake!” Colin Wilkes sang from the couch. “And we were supposed to get nachos after, remember? How can you say no to nachos with your bro?”

In a blink, Jai was behind him, looping an arm around his neck. A friendly smile played on his mouth. “Whatcha got that’s so important, Jakey baby? Got a hot date or something, hmm?”

Lian frowned as she eyed Jake sharply. “Well?”

“Oooh, look at his face! Jake’s gonna see his girlfriend tonight!” Jai teased, oblivious to the darkening cloud on Lian’s face. “He’s gonna get some of that-” he made crude thrusting gestures.

“Ew, Jai, stop it!” Irey scolded, hands on her hips. She smiled kindly at Jake. “Jake’s a gentlemen. He’d never be so vulgar.”

“You should hear him when we game,” Cerdian grumbled. “Boy’s got a foul mouth.”

“It’s okay, bud,” Collin patted his shoulder understandingly. “I’d chose a lady over nachos any day.”

“Tt. Figures, Grayson,” remarked Damian, haughty. “You can at least try to take this job seriously. If you weren’t so busy thinking with your-“

“I’m not going on a date!” Jake blurted out. “Mar’i is!”

Oh shit. He was not supposed to say that.

The shadows on Lian’s face disappeared. She let out a sigh of relief but slyly cast a glance at the gobsmacked Robin and SuperBoy. They looked as if Jake had slapped them in the face.

“What?” Jon asked, failing to keep the crack in his voice at bay. Beautiful, studious Mar’iand’r Grayson— his secret crush of THREE years— was going on a date— with someone— who was not him? “Mar’i? Date?”

Damian tried to tame the storm on his face, knowing damn well that Harper and Wilkes were analyzing his every move. Still, even he could not help asking dumbly, “Mar’i as in your sister?”

“What other Mar’i would it be,” Lian chided before grinning micheviously. She knew she was treading in dangerous territory, but the chaotic side of her couldn’t resist. “She’s going on a date? That’s great! It’s about damn time someone asked that girl out!”

Lian swore she could feel someone’s heat vision on her, but whose, she was not quite sure. Damian would no doubt make her pay in training later.

“No, not great, Lian!” Jake retorted, cross. “The pokar’s name is,” he paused to gag dramatically, “Brendon.”

“Oh, I remember her talking about Brendon!” Collin said thoughtfully. “They’re both in the Astrophysics club at your school, right? She said he was a senior?”

“Ooh! Mar’i’s dating a senior!” Irey exclaimed happily. “How exciting!”

Jake, Damian, and Jon all shot the speedster a glare. “Yes, Brendon. He asked her out yesterday. Said he wants to take her to get milkshakes and,” Jake stopped to shudder, “tour the observatory.”

“Oh, that’s kind of romantic, right? They’re both into space stuff— well, she’s from another planet! I think it’s sweet,” Irey tried to appease him.

“It’s tacky,” Damian snorted, arms crossed. “Who takes a girl to get a cold beverage and see stars? Overplayed and overrated.”

“Not to mention racist! Yeah, take the alien girl to an observatory! She has other interests, too, you know! Like gardening, old movies, and birdwatching!” Jon snipped. The team was shocked to see him react this way; he was characteristically optimistic, rarely ever showing aggression outside the battlefield, and now, he looked ready to explode.

“Don’t you think you three are being too harsh?” Lian asked, eyebrow raised. “It probably took a lot of courage for this guy to ask Mar’i out.”

“Uh, no, Lian, I don’t,” Jake answered, indignant. Lian promptly rolled her eyes.

Damian turned to him. “Does Grayson know about this?”

“Uh, yeah, Damian, I’d think Mar’i’d know if she were going on a date.”

“Not Mar’i, idiot. Your father!” Damian snapped. Dick was very protective of his children, especially his darling Mar’i. 

“Use our first names, dummy! If you hadn’t notice, my mom, my sister, me, and my dad all share the same last name!” Jake shot back. “And of course, he does! He’s not happy about it either, but Mom-- the traitor-- made him agree to it!”

“So what are you going to do, Jake?” Lian inquired. She eyed him suspiciously. “You better not be thinking about ruining her date.”

“Do I look like I have a death wish? She’d kill me if I did that!”

“Then what? Last time I checked, Mar’i was the same age as you, and —get this— totally capable of making her own damn decisions!”

“I disagree with Harper, ruin the date.”

“Damian!”

“I’m not going to ruin the date. I am simply going to ensure this Brendon behaves in an honorable fashion,” Jake interjected. 

Lian frowned. “So you’re gonna spy on them?”

“Yeah, essentially,” Jake conceded. “But I’d like to say reconnaissance. This ‘Brendon’ is perhaps a form of ooze monster in disguise. If that’s the case, her dear brother Jake is here to save the day! And hopefully, she’ll see that dating is gross and never do it again.”

“You’re absolutely ridiculous, you know that?” Lian sighed, exasperated. She always knew there would come a day when Mar’i would go on a date and Jake would freak out, but honestly, she expected it would either be Damian or Jon. She could not even imagine the fallout from that.

Jon cut in, placing a hand on Jake’s shoulder. Normally, he’d never condone something this immature, but today, he would make an exception. “I don’t think so Jake. You gotta do what you gotta do.”

A grin blossomed on Jake’s face. Feeling validated, he turned to the archer, a smug grin on his face. “Thank you, Jon! See, Lian, at least someone understands me! I’m just doing my brotherly duties. 

Lian rolled her eyes. 

[imagineyourfo]

I just got 3 new f/os from Better Call Saul!

first up is Nacho! (I apologize I forgot his name)

I was cinda confused how I felt about him since I already have Gustavo but yeah he's apart of the more protective ones.

then the twins! I love them so much and I defo hc them as autistic and they are definitely more non-verbal. they are also imo very underrated

and bonus!

Tyrus! I love Tyrus so much! (I don't give a shit if he and Gustavo died. THAT AIN'T MY CANON)

I have an au thingy where Tyrus and I are in a polycule with Gustavo so when he's busy with stuff Tyrus is my personal bodyguard and cuddle buddy!

also I keep imagining the twins just giving me a kiss on my cheeks at the same time. IT'S LIKE SO CUTE!! these big bois™ who are scary and kill people for fun and absolutely soft for me!!

congratulations!!!! that’s great, i can tell you love them all a lot!! better call saul seems interesting but i don’t know a thing about it FHFJDJFJD

[nickjb]

Is Breaking Bad an urban fantasy?

Has anyone seen any writing about the Breaking Bad universe and its resemblance to the plot structures of urban fantasy stories? Because it struck me today that there are some interesting similarities. (Spoilers for Breaking Bad/Better Call Saul/El Camino after the cut)

A person discovers they have a power they may have been dimly aware of but not fully understood. A chance encounter at a time of trial introduces them to a shadow world where that ability is of great value, and the protagonist discovers that they may be more powerful than the practitioners already in that world. In the course of exploring and developing the possibilities of their power, the protagonist finds themselves in the midst of a battle for control of the shadow world between two old and powerful forces, locked in a combat that began long before the protagonist arrived. The protagonist is able to use their power to bring down both of these forces and become a great power within the shadow world, but rather than retire at that point they choose to push further into their power and are tempted into corruption, they awaken an even more terrible force that eventually conquers the protagonist and drives them from their city into exile. Eventually, the protagonist returns from exile and by sacrificing themself is abe to defeat the evil force and free their oldest ally who they had betrayed in the depths of their corruption.

That’s an epic fantasy plot, but it’s also the main plot of Breaking Bad. To be sure, that doesn’t make Breaking Bad necessarily a fantasy series, but there are various tropes around it that hint at that. Characters often have different names in the two different worlds: Walter White/Heisenberg and Jimmy McGill/Saul Goodman are the most obvious, but other characters within the drug trade get known by other names too - Nacho, Lalo, Badger, Skinny, Crazy-8. The shadow world has its own rules and a heightened reality (the Twins, for instance, are presented as a malevolent and almost magical force) with rules about how much you can reveal of it to the mundane world.

In Better Call Saul, Lalo is such a threat to stability because he doesn’t respect the boundaries of “the game”. In season 5, he enables Mike to use the police to trap him because he kills the TravelWire employee, and then when he turns up at Kim and Jimmy’s apartment, he’s stepping into the mundane world and Jimmy tries to protect her by saying she’s not in “the game”, right up until she steps forward and puts herself into it.

(Better Call Saul is a classic prequel in that it shows how the great Salamnca-Fring conflict of BB began, and how others have walked the path between the two worlds before Walter White found it.)

Finally, there is a force that can guide you away from the shadow world and give you protection, if you’re willing to give up much that is precious to you (including your name, because names have power). And, of course, to access the powers of Ed the vacuum guy you need to be able to say a set of words in the right order to summon him and then where you go is entirely in his power. (And there’s a lot that could be said about the three different destinations we see characters end up in, but note that Jimmy/Gene ends up in a world that’s so mundane all the colour has been removed from it)

Anyway, just some random Tuesday thoughts, and as I said at the start, if someone has looked at this in more depth, I’d love to read it.

[ecmlol]

Noah laughs.

“So why did you fall in love Jude in the first place? You have to know why or you won’t survive rough patches. Dealing with Patty’s dna that’s lots of patience and love.”Markus says

Markus opens the box and takes out rolling papers and a bag of weed.

Noah laughs

“ well the irony of all of this is that I love his secrets as much as I hate them. When he reveals something about himself it makes me feel special. Isn’t that crazy . All of our arguments is about his secret keeping.”

Noah watches Markus roll his blunt.

“ what else do you love about Jude “Markus say

“He has this crazy ability to seem so innocent at time. Like Life hasnt really touched him in all the bad ways that has most people. It’s weird he’s a total mess but he just so untouched in a why it hard to explain.”

“ ok what else?”

“He’s self made.He’s a hard worker. He wasn’t given anything. He’s not a spoil brat like you would think he is. I love that about him”

“What else”

“ I love how he loves me. I have never even seen him look at anyone else. He actually listen to me when I talk to him. I love the way he looks at me and the way he makes me feel when I’m with him. I swear I miss him when he’s on the other side of the arena.” Noah say with a smile.”

“ what else” Markus asked

“ I love his mind and his heart. He has a good heart and a kind soul. He’s a mess”

“Ok what else “

“I would say have you seen him he’s gorgeous and that smile is everything “noah say as Markus takes a lighter out lights the blunt he just made.

“ I get that’s how I feel about his mother”

In the kitchen

Patty and Jude are listening to the conversation Markus and Jude are having .

“ that man loves jude”Patty says

“ I know he’s just wants so much from me sometimes.”

“ he’s earned it Jude he’s your husband Jude he married you even those your like a box of returns from amazon.”patty quietly say

“ Markus I totally over reacted in there”

“ your on edge here”

Noah would have never have thought in a million years he would be getting high with his “father in law”.

Noah takes the blunt.

“ I haven’t smoke since college “noah takes a hit and passes it to Markus.

“ I’m surprised you can keep this in the living with a addiction.”

“She doesn’t have a problem with pot. She can take a hit of two and be fine but alcohol or anything hard your not going to find it here.”Markus says.

“ this whole mess has me beyond stressed out and I took it out on him. I didn’t mean too. Now he’s mad at me.”markus passes the blunt back to Noah.

“ marriage is hard noah y’all will have your ups and down. Just remember that the only way you can go when y’all are down is up.”Markus makes a lewd hand gestures which makes noah laugh and almost fall out of his chair.

“ noah?Are you high?”Jude asked

“ yes “ noah says through his laugh.

“ I have the baby monitors and Justice is playing in the dish water so pass over the blunt or I got shotgun. “ patty says then bites her lip.

“Girl get that fine ass over here.”Markus says

Patty leans down and Markus blows the smoke from the blunt into patty’s mouth. Patty kisses Markus and the pulls away.

“ leave the joint for theses two and lets go clean the house.”patty says

“ sounds like a plan baby girl.”markus takes one more hit then hands it to Noah.

“I didn’t know you..”jude point to the blunt.

“ smoke?”noah finished Jude’s sentence.

“Yeah”Jude asked.

“In college I use to play video games and take a couple of hits.” Noah offers it to Jude.

“Shot gun?”Jude says

Noah smiles.

“ so I just basically kiss you?” Jude asked as he sits in Markus chair.

Noah smiles and scoots closer.

“Come here”Noah says

Jude leans in and takes the smoke that is offered.

Jude breaths in and coughs.

“ first time ?”noah asked

Jude smiles and shakes his head yes.

Noah laughs

“ I’m sorry “jude says

“Why are you sorry I should be saying sorry not you.”noah said as he takes a hit and Jude shotguns again.

Jude stretches out and looks up at the mornings sky.

“ I made you look stupid. I front of my mom”Jude

“ huh?”noah asked

“ who marries a guy that he didn’t know could cook.” Jude starts to laugh.

Noah takes a nother hit and blows it directly into

Jude’s laughing mouth.

“ fuck You Dane “ Noah says jokingly

“ I hope so real hard”Jude says

Noah was tempted to finish the joint and get jude as high as he could just to see what happens.

“ I think we should get a box of weed and keep it in the kitchen.”jude say

All noah could do it laugh.

“ I need to apologize for something.”

“ for being a jerk.”

“Oh right. I’m so sorry for being a ass. I’m stressing about your evil twin.”

“ Because you looooove mmmmeeeee” Jude says

“ god you’re a dork when you are buzzed Danes “Noah says

“ well honestly I sorta feel like I had a great massage a few stiff drinks and you know when you tie me up and just torture me with kisses.”jude says

“ yes “noah say just loving how relaxed Jude is.

“ I wonder how long we have been sitting here”jude asked

“ don’t know . Come here”noah say

Jude who has been leaned back in his chair sits up and leans towards Noah. Jude shots guns Noah last hit and smiles.

“never thought deliberately getting high would be fun.”

“ how else do you get high?”noah asked

“ contact high.”

“ how?”

“ I was study buddy with this guy”

“Say no more I get it” noah said as he remembered one of his gamer friends who was always like that he still is like that.

“ we had a nother first “ Jude says with a goofy smile.

“ we did”noah say reaching out for Jude ’s hand.

“ I love you jude so much and if anything happens to you....”

“ you looove me”jude says with a laugh.

“ I’m being serious right now Jude’s “noah says

Jude leans over and and tries kissing noah.

“ no I need you to hear this.”

“ ok ok but you are killing my buzz. Hubby”jude says

Never in a million years did noah think he would ever hear jude say something like that.

“ I’m going to do what ever it takes to protect you jude. “

“ you’ll be my body guard? You’ll protect me me?”jude say sounding like a teenage girl for a second.

“ we are going to get you a bodyguard when we get back ok?”

“ ok”jude says as he sit back and stretches out.

“ you guys ok”patty asked

“Great he looooveeees me” jude says

“ I’m pretty sure he’s pretty stoned.” Noah says

Patty laughs

“ little weight. Are you sure your my kid?”patty says.

“ why don’t you two use the guest room to chill out before you head out” Markus says

“ good idea.Come on Jude “noah says

“Why the breeze feels so good.”jude saids

Noah leans down and rubs his arms gently up and down Jude’s arm.

“ you don’t want to come with me?”noah says sweetly .

Jude cracks one eye lid.

“ ok”jude gets up and wraps his self around noah.

“ don’t worry about Justice she is watching Cars2 her favorite “patty says

“ I can’t wait for our maybe baby.”jude say into noah back as they enter the bedroom to chill out in.

“there’s towel if you need it.”markus said

“Thanks mom this has been fun”jude says before his head hits the pillow.

“ I’m glad now sleep it off screw it off I don’t care .” Patty say as she closes the door.

“So tell me why your now excited about the baby”Noah asked

“I have never told anyone but my power ranger and teddy bears with get married and when they has kids my transformers were their babies jude says

I swear I should have gotten him high months ago!noah thought.

“ oh wow . So you wanted to be a dad?”noah asked

Noah wonders how much he could get out of a high jude .

“I wanted the whole package I want everything. House husband career kids pet you name it!”jude say curling up next to noah.

“I want everything thing I didn’t see as a kid.”jude said.

“ ah I can understand that.”

“ but I’m afraid who ever the bio dad is they will want our maybe baby. I don’t want him to take the baby“

“ yeah I fear that too.”noah says

Jude is silent for a second before he started to ask noah a question.

“ what did you think of me when you first saw me”jude asked

“ the first time I saw you I thought wow who are you?”noah

“ really I looked a mess”jude said

“You where a sexy mess!”noah

“ I want nacho.”jude says out of the blue.

“Let the munches begin!”noah says as he pulls out his phone to order off on grub hub.

Noah quickly orders fries and nachos .

“ I can’t remember the address”noah says

“ mom what’s your address “Jude yells out through the closed door.

Patty yells back with the address.

“ done food is on the way.”noah say

“ good.”jude says

“ so what did you think of me when you first saw me?”Noah asked

“ are you sure you want to know ?”

“ shot”noah say

“ I was thinking why is this guy looking at me like that “jude says

“ really?”

“Yes then I couldnt stop wonder about your lips”

“ my lips? Really”noah says touching them

“ there so big and pretty and I wonder if you were a great kisser. Then I thought you were the craziest person and you where trying to get all of us killed.

“ hahah I’m the only one that got shot thanks to you. Why didn’t you just tackle the kid?”

“ I didn’t want to hurt him”jude said

“ yeah but it’s ok to get me shot?”

“ I didn’t mean to”

“ I know I’m just messing with. So am I a good kisser?”

“ yes and they are good for other things too! I swear I have kissed a few thin lipped guys but you are the best “

Jude sits up and kisses noah.

Jude sigh and rubs his bearded face on noah neck.

“ this is nice .” Jude says

“It is”noah says

They both relax and drift off to sleep.

Noah is awakes by a knock at the door.

“ coming”noah hops up and gets the door.

“Thanks”

“No problem” Markus says with a smile as he hands off the fod

“ Dane babe wake up the foods here.”noah say

Jude sigh and slowly wake up to noah opening the bag and starting to eat the fries.

“ that smells good “jude say

“They are.Open up.”noah say.

Jude opens up and Noah feeds him fries.

“ that’s so good”jude closes his eyes and chews.

“ I know right?”noah add

They finish eating and went back to sleep.

The next day jude and Noah woke up around five am. Around the time Markus was getting up to go to work.

“ I can’t believe we spent the night”

Jude said feeling well rested.

“ wow that was crazy”noah said as he gets up.

Jude and Noah said there good bye and headed to the hotel to pack up and leave.

The drive back to Jacksonville was long but nice.

Jude and Noah both didn’t want to go back to reality.

Between Daytona and Jacksonville noah felt like he need to get something off his chest.

“ so is there anything you want to know bout the birth mother?”

“ not really.”

“ can I atleast tell you that I have been letting her stay at my apartment “

“You have?”jude says surprised

“ yes she was homeless. I didn’t want the baby to suffer.”

“ that is understandable “

“ your not mad?”

“No why would I? All the stuff I don’t tell you how can I even bat a eye when you didn’t tell me something that up until recently didn’t have anything to do with me “Jude says calmly as they drive to the airport.

Noah shrugs and decides to call his sister to apologize about not coming to visit.Then calls his dads on FaceTime.

Pop answers he looks like he’s sitting on the couch.

“Nono how are you my boy”pop asked

“ I’m good we are going back to la today.”noah say

“ oh ok wait I thought you were suppose to visit your sister “pop asked

“ yeah some things popped up and we didn’t want to get her involved in it”noah

“ what’s wrong my boy”

“ just a lot of craziness “Noah said

Noah looked at jude driving.

“ all right so that honeymoon is over?”pop said

“ we haven’t gone on one yet”noah said

“Oh ok then what was the road trip about?”

“I wanted noah to meet my mom .we will mostly go after the season is over.” Jude chimes in with.

“ hi jude how are you?”

“ I’m good wish I didn’t have to go back to La just yet”jude says

“ yeah the seclusion on a getaway is so nice.”pop says

“ are you talking to your self in there” marshal says in the background

“ when do I every talk to my self?”pop says

Pop shakes his head. Jude and Noah both hope that they get to this stage of life where they are confrontable enough to bicker at each other but still love each other.

“ come talk to our boys “ pop calls back at Marshal

“They haven’t even been married for a week and they are all ready calling us” I guess pop didn’t tell him about the presex text message.noah thought to himself.

“ there a day shy of a week”

“Has it been almost a week” noah say.

“ I guess so.”jude said

“ and it’s all ready been a little crazy”

Marshal comes into view

“ hey dad”

“ hi Nono hi jude if you’re there.”marshal say

“ I’m here Mr Salvador “

“Call me dad or marshal please”

“ yes sir sorry Marshal “

Pops smiles.

“ how was the visit to your mother jude”marshal asked

“ it was enlightening for me.”noah say before jude can say anything.

“ to my surprise it was interesting will I call her weekly. I don’t know but I will call and check on my sister.”

“Sister?”pop says

“Yes I found out I’m a big brother”Jude says with a smile.

“ congratulations “ pop say

“Thanks”Jude

“Did you ever want a siblings” marshal ask.

“I don’t know I don’t think I ever thought about it”jude said

“She is so cute” noah tells his dads

Both dads smile .

“Speaking of sisters I’m sure your sister is upset right now.”pop said

“ yeah she’s not happy at the moment “noah says

“ I guess we will be getting a call.”marshal says

“You really should keep your word Nono.you don’t get to see your sister much.”Marshal say

“ I know I didn’t have much of a choice.”

“ it’s my fault I have something going on that might put her in harms way right . I didn’t want to put her in the middle of it.” Jude says

“ are you in some kind of trouble?”pop asked

“Apparently I am we will see.”jude says

“ I don’t know how confrontable I and with that answer. Nono do you understand that mean your mostly in in trouble too.”Marshal say.

“ marshal he’s not a child he’s a married man. He understands trouble .”

“ doesn’t mean I can’t worry”Marshal say

“ so we have something to tell you guys “Jude says to change the subject

“ no we don’t”noah say

“ we dont?”

“Nope not right now”noah say

“ why not”

“ tell you later”noah say

“ ok never mind”

“ nope spill it Nono “pop say

“ we are coming to a stop and I have to pee love you guys bye”Noah says

Both of Noah’s dads didn’t look happy as they say there good byes.

“ ok what was that about?”jude asked

“I’m not going to tell them?”noah says

“Wait why!”jude says without looking at the road

“ eyes on the road Dane “noah says as Jude swerve a little because he was too busy to trying to look at noah

“ what’s the deal?”

[wincestmelange]

This sprung from me thinking about all Dean’s charms/jewelry in season 1 and about Sam in the pilot (”Not normal. Safe.”) and became quite long and the usual pre-Stanford sad. It’s mostly brother feels and Sam disagreeing with John.

It starts with the amulet.

(It starts in Sioux Falls, when Sam asks Bobby for help making Dad something for Christmas — Sam was thinking he could carve a whistle, so the next time they went camping and Dad lost them in the woods they could just call — and Bobby gives him the glowering little necklace charm and a leather cord, says it’ll help keep John safe. Safe from what? Sam wonders, looks around and sees the world grow darker and more menacing, danger in every waitress’s long fingernails or each gas station attendant’s friendly smile. A few weeks later Dad leaves the journal behind; and then Sam finally knows.)

He watches Dean put the amulet on and thinks, safe, breathes the word in and holds it in chest. He wants to hug Dean, then, throw himself into his big brother’s arms and hang on, but Dean is nearly fourteen and Sam is nine and hugs are for babies or for the times Dad comes home bloody with beer on his breath and squeezes Sam so tightly he thinks his ribs will crack. (It’s another three years before Sam realizes Dad would never have used the whistle, not when he’d intended all along to leave his boys in the woods and track them silently to see what they’d learned.)

Of course, Dad comes back and finds out that Sam knows, yells at Dean for telling him and yells at Sam for snooping in things that don’t belong to him. (Dad used to bring him along to victims’ houses, before Sam knew what that meant, taught him to check out medicine cabinets and rifle through women’s purses for clues. Last year, Sam caught Dean picking pockets and made him teach Sam how it’s done. Snooping, Sam thinks, is just the Winchester way.) But Dad also seems to decide that knowing means Sam is old enough to be left on his own, a loaf of bread and money for groceries and the bus on the table, Pastor Jim’s number taped to the phone and a bag of rock salt by the door.

Dean doesn’t look too happy about leaving Sam alone for the monsters, but Dad grips Dean’s shoulder and says, “C’mon son, time you carried your weight like a man,” and Dean’s whole face lights up brighter than Christmas, barely stays long enough to ruffle Sam’s hair and tell him to be good before he’s racing out the door. Dad thinks Dean’s a man, now, and he must think something good about Sam, because he never realizes that the first few times they’re gone Sam shoves all the bedspreads and spare towels under the beds so nothing else can fit underneath, leaves the light on in the closet and spends the night in the bathtub surrounded by salt, holy water in one hand and .45 between his bony knees.

Dean calls to check in, just like Dad used to check in on them both, (gonna be a few more days, boys, you call Pastor Jim if there’s any trouble,) and Sam bangs his elbow when the phone ringing startles him awake. It’s a good thing he’d dropped the gun when he fell asleep, or the neighbors might have called the police.

“Everything’s fine,” Dean says, voice breaking because he’s fourteen and thinks he can talk like Dad, sounds like one of Uncle Bobby’s faulty engines instead. “We’ll be home tomorrow.”

Sam has the salt cleaned out of the bathroom by the time they come home, the beds neatly made and the closet door closed, and none of that matters because Dean comes back with a blue cast from above his elbow all the way down his left arm.

“You should’ve seen it!” Dean tells him, grinning, a bruise on his chin. “Thing must’ve thrown me twenty feet across the room before I shot it in the head.” Sam laughs, because Dean wants him to, offers to make Dean a Superman cape for the next hunt, but he can’t take his eyes off Dean’s pale fingers poking out of the cast.

The amulet was supposed to keep Dean safe. Dad was supposed to keep Dean safe. Clearly it’s not enough.

  He gets the prayer beads from a young imam outside the Twin Cities who was having trouble with a Black Dog outside the mosque. The beads look simple — dark, uneven wood, something one of those hippies would sell outside college libraries; Sam’s seen plenty of them when they go to local universities for books or to talk to professors about lore — but the imam says they’re rumored to be carved from a tree growing by the Prophet’s well, that they were carried by Nureddin during the Crusades. Sam’s not sure why Mr. Choudry gave the prayer beads to him — he’s pretty sure the Winchesters aren’t Muslim, though once he asked if they were Episcopalian and Dad laughed until there were tears in his eyes, so Sam supposes they aren’t much of anything — but he cradles them carefully in both hands, says thank you and sort of bows because he’s never met an imam before. Mr. Choudry laughs, ruffles his hair just like Dad and Dean do, and tells Sam that’s he’s under the protection of Allah.

Sam finds books about Islam at the next library, and adds a few new prayers to the ones Pastor Jim taught him to say before bed. He gives Dean the prayer beads as soon as they cut the cast off, feels better as soon as they’re wrapped around Dean’s weak wrist.

The rosary is from Pastor Jim, because there’s no point in working a case in Minnesota unless they drive down through Blue Earth, and Dad likes parking them there for a few months if it’s during the school year. They stay awhile: Dean hates it because it’s only a few hours from Sioux Falls, so Dad works cases with Jim or Bobby and leaves them both behind, but Dad tells Dean he needs to work his wrist, so they take advantage of the woods behind Jim’s church, practice their shooting and knife throwing and climb the tallest trees because you never know when you might need to get away from a monster on the ground.

Dean wraps the rosary three times around his other wrist and wears it as a bracelet, because, as he tells Sam, he’s not wearing a bunch of necklaces like a girl. But he never takes off the amulet, and Sam can look at Dean and catalogue: both wrists and the amulet around his neck. Protected. Safe.

Then Dean stumbles into a hunt. He’s been sneaking off to see this girl, Martha, who works at the bowling alley — Sam’s never gone bowling so many times in his life — and Martha’s boss’s bratty kid winds up dead.

It’s a kappa. Sam figures it out, after Dean breaks them into the morgue to see the body (their first case, Jim off with Dad and no grown-ups around to tell them they’re too young). Eating disobedient kids. Dean tells him that he better watch out, then, because the kappa will be coming for him next.

A kappa loses its powers if you can tip them over and splash the water out of the cavity on the top of their head. That’s what all Jim’s books say. They don’t say how hard it is to get close to a kappa, and that once you do, it’s got a beak like a snapping turtle and it moves six times as fast. It goes for Sam’s stomach, and Dean leaps forward, shoves him out of the way.

They kill the kappa. Dean says they need to salt and burn it, and Sam says fuck, Dean, that can wait, because he’s got both hands pressed down on the blood pumping out of Dean’s mangled leg.

Dean tells him he shouldn’t curse, because he’s only ten. Sam tells Dean that he can curse all he wants because Dean’s fucking heavy and he’s the one dragging his big brother out of the woods. He tells the nurse his brother was attacked by a snapping turtle, and Dean refuses to speak to him for two days.

Dad yells at them for not calling him or Bobby, yells at Dean for taking his little brother on a hunt and yells at Sam for letting Dean take him, but when he finishes yelling he tells them, “Good work, boys,” and that’s really what all the yelling meant.

Sam refuses to leave the hospital until Dean is released, because he might have protected Dean’s wrists and neck, but it’s clear now that this wasn’t enough to keep Dean safe.

Dean refuses to wear an “ankle bracelet,” even when it’s a meticulously crafted brocade omamori that Sam got from a Shinto priest. He also refuses to let Sam henna protective symbols up his legs. Sam tries drawing them in marker when Dean’s asleep, because Dean sleeps in his boxers and wrestles his sheets off the bed, but Dean’s incredibly ticklish and Sam gives up after the tenth try when Dean kicks him hard in the groin.

Sam meets Sully, but Sully’s suggestion is just to feed Dean marshmallow fluff and bring him to the carnival, and while that sounds fun, it doesn’t sound anymore like Dean than an ankle bracelet made of embroidered silk.

Sully doesn’t get it, really. Sully thinks Sam is awesome fantastic the greatest, which is nice because Dad thinks Sam’s “not pushing himself” when it comes to sprints or wrestling or shooting out the head of needle from fifty yards away, and Dean thinks Sam is “a little twerp, c’mon Sammy, I told you not to bug me when I’m trying to get Carrie’s digits.” But Sully doesn’t realize that Sam knows about awesome fantastic stuff like fluff nachos and BBQ mac and cheese because Dean makes them. Sully thinks that Sam is the best Winchester, and Sully doesn’t see that he’s wrong.

Still, Sam laughs for a long time at the idea that he soak glitter in holy water and then dump it all over Dean’s head. With the amount of gel Dean’s started using in his hair, the glitter would be there for weeks.

Sully goes away when Dean finally wears Dad down and Sam’s allowed to go on hunts (you stay in the car, Sammy, you hear me? You stay in the goddamned car). Sam misses him, sometimes, on the days where Dean’s off with a girl — fifteen now and Dad lets him drive the Impala into town, printed Dean a license that says he’s eighteen — and Dad’s squinting, tight around the eyes and looking like he could be their grandfather, when he makes Sam do all the drills twice and keeps saying Sam’s life depends on being better than he is.

It’s good, though. The more hunts Dad lets Sam help with, the more information Sam has on what they need protection from. He starts his own journal, the front half for monsters and the back half for runes and charms and myriad suggestions for keeping safe. Some of them are obviously bogus (walk three times clockwise around your bed to cure restless sleep), and some of them Sam tries (keep a sprig of lavender under your pillow, then tuck into your pocket the next day) and discards, because smelling like lavender doesn’t stop Billy McMarney from dunking Sam’s head in the toilet. (The lavender doesn’t, but Dean does, when he walks over to get Sam from school — and it’s sixth grade, Sam doesn’t need Dean to pick him up like he’s five — and some other kid tells him what went down. Billy McMarney misses a week of school, and he never comes near Sam again.)

They go back to Bobby’s, eventually, and Bobby tries to get him and Dean interested in playing football at the park before he gives up and leaves Sam rummaging through his library and goes to supervise Dean in the garage.

Sam steals Dean’s boots, that night, takes the Sharpie and inks protective runes on the soles and the tongues and even on the inside where it smells. He relaces them so that there’s a protective binding in the knots, and then goes downstairs to do the same to Dad’s.

Dad notices, of course, bellows at Sam for tying knots in his shoelaces before Bobby figures it out and tells Dad it’s kind of clever, and it certainly can’t hurt. “Knots don’t keep you safe,” John says, untying them over Sam’s strangled protests. “Your knife keeps you safe. Rock salt in a ghost’s face keeps you safe. Learning to use your gun to protect your brother the way he protects you, Sammy. That’s what keeps you safe.”

Sam is trying to protect Dean. Why else would he stay up half the night with his hand buried in Dean’s stinky shoes?

Dean leaves his knots in, rolls his eyes at Sam when he sees the marker all over the sides, but shrugs and tells Sam “it looks kinda cool.” He puts them on that morning and Sam thinks: neck, wrists, feet.

Next summer Dad takes Dean on a werewolf hunt, and its claws rake Dean shoulder to hip.

Sam starts looking for armor to wrap around his brother’s vulnerable chest, same as he buckles down with a bag of mandarins and a needle to practice so he can stitch his brother closed.

Dean loses the rosary when Sam’s sixteen, fighting ghouls in a swamp in Missouri. It saved his hand, he tells Sam, during the squelching, disgusting trudge back to the car, when the ghoul’s grip slipped and hit the rosary, made him mad, man, but also made him flinch away. Dad’s on another hunt, somewhere up north, but that’s fine because Sam’s sixteen and Dean’s twenty-one and recently hunts have been better when Dad’s not around.

Of course, Dad’s started taking Dean on more hunts and leaving Sam “to do his best in school,” because Sam has a feeling Dad thinks hunts are better when Sam’s not around.

Sam’s just trying to keep them safe. That’s all. Dad wants to bust down doors and piss spirits off so that they’ll come out to play, and Dean wants to do whatever Dad is doing only three times as loud, and Sam’s just trying to keep everybody safe. What’s another day or two at the library, what’s a few extra pounds of charms in their pockets, if it means that Sam doesn’t have to stitch anybody up at the end?

Dean rejects the new rosary — Sam didn’t have a lot of money, and this one is white and cheap plastic, and all right, Sam wouldn’t wear it to school but Dean’s already dropped out and it’s not like Dean’s girls are looking at his wrist — but when Sam tells him the local Orthodox priest told him there was a sacred ring that water sprites had stolen twenty years before, Dean is thrilled.

“I’ll be like Bilbo Baggins!” he declares, sharpening his silver knife. “Or King Arthur! Water sprites live in lakes, right? It’s gonna be like finding Excalibur, only cooler.”

If by cooler, Dean meant freezing cold and dragged across a lake bed of painfully sharp rocks, then yes, it’s much cooler. He gets the ring, though, and Sam only gets a mild concussion, so all in all it’s a pretty successful hunt.

They sit shivering on the shore to bask in their triumph and watch the sun rise, and Dean slips the ring onto each finger before fitting it onto his thumb. He doesn’t offer it to Sam; and he’s not supposed to, Sam doesn’t want it, the whole point of this hunt was to find the ring and protect Dean, but… It still twinges a little, digs into that old bruise that never quite fades, the one where Sam is too slow and not trying and not good enough and not doing things the right way.

It’s dark and Sam swallows the feeling down quick so it doesn’t show up on his face, but Dean’s got some sort of supernatural powers when it comes to Sam.

“Hey.” He grabs Sam roughly around the shoulders, both of them soaked through from their coats to their boots, and tips him over so that Sam lands clumsily against Dean’s chest. “You don’t need any of this shit,” Dean says, wiggles his hand with the ring, the wrist where the rosary used to be and where Dean grudgingly allowed Sam to paint protective sigils on the hairless underside of his forearm, faded where the water sprites had curled weeds around them to drag them away.

“I don’t?” Sam replies, surprised, because he already feels safer with Dean’s prayer beads digging into his back, his cheek pressed against Dean’s amulet and his big brother’s steady heartbeat in his ear.

“Nah.” Dean shakes his head, pushes his chin into Sam’s hair and presses down until Sam yelps and tries to get away. “You’ve got me.”

“Great,” Sam says, deadpan, wonders if Dean can sense him rolling his eyes. “I’ve got a brother who smells like lake water and is covered in mud, and, oh, nearly died before we even got here because he tripped over a log.”

Dean gives him a proper noogie, then, and Sam elbows him in his unprotected ribs. “It was a really big log,” he protests, and his ring glints in the first rays of sunlight, and Sam laughs.

“That’s what she said,” he retorts. They continue the dirty jokes and the wrestling as they pull each other to their feet and stumble safely all the way to the road.

“Are you sure it’s not what killed Mom?” Sam hears Dean ask as he and Dad tromp through the door. Sam recognizes the Impala’s engine, and so by the time they get inside he’s sitting at the table doing his Physics homework instead of lining the closet with salt and standing inside, the door pulled closed and the safety off his gun. “It had yellow eyes.”

“It’s not,” Dad says firmly, but he’s got that look in his eyes, the one that he gets when he says that what’s left in the tank will get them all the way to town, or silver will definitely kill any monster even if they’re not sure what it is, or that no one will notice if Sam wears the same goddamned shirt to school three times in a row, we’ll do laundry soon, why’d you waste the quarters on soda?

And Sam realizes that Dad doesn’t know if that’s what killed Mom or not. He’s not sure, and if this isn’t it and the next monster isn’t it then maybe nothing will ever be it, and this is never ever going to end.

Sam’s not as surprised as he’d like to be. After all, he’d told Sully that this was what it meant to be a Winchester — it means fighting monsters. It means being a hero, like Dean always says they are, toasts the hunt and lets Sam have his own can of beer.

But Dad always treats it like they’re stopping, soon. Soon. As soon as we find this bastard, Sammy, I’m telling you, we’ll settle down somewhere and send you to one of those fancy preparatory schools where all the kids wear suits and ties, and Dean and I will buy a garage, Winchesters’ Repairs. Of course, by then Dad’s usually talking to his good friend Jose, and barely notices Sam’s there.

They’re not stopping, though. Dad’s back from this last hunt with a tourniquet around his thigh and Dean’s got the brace on his knee which means he’s twisted it again, and how is Sam supposed to save ligaments wrenched the wrong way too many times to count? They’re not stopping, and it’s obviously up to Sam to keep them safe.

It’s not really Sam’s idea. It’s actually Dad’s idea, though Dad might kill Sam if Sam says that out loud, looks kind of like he wants to kill Sam anyway, for holding out the acceptance letter with Stanford in bold print across the top.

Dad’s the one who keeps saying, “you’re a natural with all these books, Sammy,” “when this is all done, kiddo, I’ll hustle us up enough money to send you to Harvard Law.” He always says Harvard Law, and Sam’s not sure if it’s because he thinks his youngest son is smart or because he’s tired of hearing Sam’s smart mouth when they fight.

They fight all the time, now, Sam taller than his dad but thinner around than one of Dad’s clenched fists, Dad shouting that he’s been hunting since Sam was in fucking diapers and Sam shouting that that doesn’t mean he’s doing a good job, and Dean either between them with a wan, mediating smile, or out the door at the first raised voice and spending his evening more enjoyably at the nearest bar.

“I’ve got a full ride,” Sam says, because maybe it will cheer Dad up, hearing that he won’t have to hustle pool to help pay Sam’s fees. Maybe Dad would be happier if he realized what Sam and Dean already know — that there’s no after the last hunt, for Dad, who’s searching every monster in the U.S. for the ghost of Mom’s face. “If you wanted, we could look for a place nearby. See if there’s a garage hiring. California has earthquakes and fires, Dad, there’s got to plenty of pissed off ghosts.”

Sam never really expected his dad to take him up on that suggestion, never mind that it’s exactly what he always says they’re going to do. Dad’s never wanted to be safe.

But Sam does. Sam wants to be safe. In the last year he’s broken four fingers and two ribs, gone to the hospital when a poisoned fang sank in half an inch from his femoral artery and again when a werewolf clawed his back to the bone. And none of that hurts as much as watching Dean thrown down stairs or against marble crypts, seeing him shout a werewolf away from Sam’s racing, tasty heart only to have his own insides ripped out instead. Sam can’t forge the chainmail that will protect every inch of Dean’s freckled, vulnerable skin. He can’t. He’s tried. For years he’s tried, and this is all that’s left.

“Come with me,” he begs, when Dad’s ultimatum leaves him standing with his hastily packed duffel on the sidewalk in front of their motel. He’s crying, but it’s raining, so he moves out from under the overhang and hopes Dean can’t separate raindrops from tears. “C’mon Dean. You promised to keep me safe.”

Dean shakes his head. Tightens his jaw and spins the ring around his thumb, jostles the prayer beads on his wrist. The amulet gleams in watery yellow glow of the parking lot lights. If Sam closes his eyes, he can still feel the imprint of it on his cheek, when Dean pulled him to his chest and held him close.

“You made your choice,” he tells Sam, making his own choice when he offers to drive Sam to the bus station instead of aiming the Impala at California and settling in for the ride.

Sam takes another bag out of the trunk, before he goes, his gun and his knives, rock salt and holy water and the cheap rosary Dean wouldn’t wear, a machete that hasn’t failed him yet and a bag of charms he meant to weave into a bracelet for Dean’s unprotected wrist. If he won’t have Dean standing between him and the monsters, Sam’s going to have to learn how to protect himself.

“Be safe,” he tells his big brother, once they’re in front of the station and soaked through by the tepid summer rain, lets Dean pull him down into a hug that makes Sam feel small and protected and loved. He tries to make his words a command, to infuse them with gravitas like everything their Dad says so that Dean can’t disobey, but they're warbled and finish with sniffles that Sam tries to hide in the fabric of Dean’s shirt.

“You too,” Dean murmurs, winding his fingers through Sam’s hair and pulling him closer before stepping back and pushing him away.

He gets back in the car and Sam stands in the rain and watches him go: amulet around his neck, prayer beads and ring, leather belt with Norse runes, new boots with knots down the laces and marker on the soles. Dean’s as safe as Sam could make him, though Sam knows it hasn’t ever been enough. And Sam’s safe, now. Sam’s saved himself from the one thing he couldn’t survive. This way, he won’t be there when it happens — he won’t have to watch his brother die.

[erickmalpicaflores]

Erik Malpica Flores Erik Malpica Flores recommends: What is Coming to Netflix in September 2018 |

Josh Grobin and Tony Danza’s new series THE GOOD COP is coming to Netflix in September 2018, as are new seasons of IRON FIST and ATYPICAL. We’ll also see a new talk show from Norm McDonald, a documentary about Quincey Jones and the arrival of BLACK PANTHER to the streaming service.

September 1

10,000 B.C.

Another Cinderella Story

Assassins

August Rush

Bruce Almighty

Delirium

Fair Game

Groundhog Day

King Kong

La Catedral del Mar – Netflix Original: In 14th-century Barcelona, a serf’s determined climb to wealth and freedom incurs the disdain of the noble class and the suspicion of the Inquisition.

Martian Child

Monkey Twins – Netflix Original: Inspired by Khon dance drama and Thai martial arts, a fighter scarred by the past joins forces with a determined cop to battle an organized crime ring.

Mr. Sunshine – Netflix Original (Streaming Every Saturday): A young boy who ends up in the U.S. after the 1871 Shinmiyangyo incident returns to Korea at a historical turning point and falls for a noblewoman.

Nacho Libre

Pearl Harbor

Scarface

Sisters – Netflix Original: Her dad’s deathbed confession leads Julia to discover she has more than 100 brothers and two sisters: troubled TV star Roxy and uptight lawyer Edie.

Spider-Man 3

Stephanie

Summer Catch

Sydney White

The Ant Bully

The Breakfast Club

The Cider House Rules

The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

The Keeping Hours

The River Wild

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning

Two Weeks Notice

Unforgiven

September 2

Disney’s Lilo & Stitch

Disney’s The Emperor’s New Groove

Maynard

Quantico: Season 3

September 3

A Taiwanese Tale of Two Cities – Netflix Original: Two brainy beauty queens — same heritage, on separate coasts — and one fateful decision that soon links their paths.

September 4

Marvel Studios’ Black Panther

September 5

Van Helsing: Season 2

Wentworth: Season 6

September 6

Once Upon a Time: Season 7

September 7

Atypical: Season 2 – Netflix Original: While Elsa and Doug face the aftermath of their marriage crisis and Casey tries to adjust to her new school, Sam prepares for life after graduation.

Cable Girls: Season 3 – Netflix Original: After a tragedy, Lidia fights passionately for her family, Carlota finds her voice, Ángeles goes undercover and Marga reveals a talent for accounting.

City of Joy – Netflix Original: Women who’ve been sexually brutalized in war-torn Congo begin to heal at City of Joy, a center that helps them regain a sense of self and empowerment.

Click

First and Last – Netflix Original: Filmmakers go inside Georgia’s Gwinnett County Jail to capture two days that define an inmate’s experience: the first and last.

Marvel’s Iron Fist: Season 2 – Netflix Original: With the defeat of the Hand, Chinatown is left vulnerable to turf wars, and Danny must protect the streets of New York.

Next Gen – Netflix Film: A friendship with a top-secret robot turns a lonely girl’s life into a thrilling adventure as they take on bullies, evil bots and a scheming madman.

Sierra Burgess Is A Loser – Netflix Film: Smart high school girl Sierra teams up with a more popular girl hoping to win over her crush. Starring Shannon Purser (Barb on “Stranger Things”).

Stretch Armstrong & the Flex Fighters: Season 2 – Netflix Original: Wrongly accused for the attack on Rook Tower, the Flex Fighters must protect their city as wanted men. Will Charter City ever trust them again?

The Most Assassinated Woman in the World – Netflix Film: In 1930s Paris, an actress famous for her gory death scenes at the Grand Guignol Theater contends with a mysterious stalker and ghosts from her past.

September 10

Call the Midwife: Series 7

September 11

Daniel Sloss: Live Shows – Netflix Original:The dark mind of Daniel Sloss is back, and he’s ready to find the funny in some very taboo topics, from the deeply personal to the highly irreverent.

The Resistance Banker – Netflix Film: Risking his family and future, a banker in occupied Amsterdam slows the Nazi war machine by creating an underground bank to fund the resistance.

September 12

Blacklist: Season 5

Life – Netflix Original: At Korea’s top university medical center, ideals and interests collide between a patient-centered ER doctor and the hospital’s newly-appointed CEO.

On My Skin – Netflix Film: Arrested for a drug-related offense, Stefano Cucchi suffers at the hands of Italy’s Carabinieri police and a broken legal system. Based on true events.

September 14

American Vandal: Season 2 – Netflix Original: In the wake of the first documentary’s success, Peter and Sam seek a new case and settle on a stomach-churning mystery at a Washington high school.

Bleach – Netflix Film: When high schooler Ichigo is suddenly given reaper abilities, he really wants to give the powers back. But he’ll have to reap some souls first.

Boca Juniors Confidential – Netflix Original: This docuseries profiles Argentine soccer power Boca Juniors, highlighting the relationships between coaches and players as they contend for trophies.

BoJack Horseman: Season 5 – Netflix Original: BoJack’s back on screen as the star of “Philbert,” a new detective series produced by Princess Carolyn. But his demons are out in full force.

Car Masters: Rust to Riches – Netflix Original: The colorful crew at Gotham Garage overhauls an eclectic collection of cars, trading their way up to a showstopper they can sell for big bucks.

Ingobernable: Season 2 – Netflix Original: Emilia takes on the leader of a drug trafficking empire in her fight to reunite her family and reduce corruption in her country.

LAST HOPE – Netflix Original: After causing the near extinction of mankind seven years ago, genius scientist Leon Lau must now fight the ecological disaster he unwittingly created.

Norm Macdonald has a Show – Netflix Original: Comedian Norm Macdonald hosts this talk show with celebrity guests, unexpected conversation and a behind-the-scenes view into Norm’s world.

Super Monsters Monster Party: Songs – Netflix Original: Sing along and move to this groovy collection of music videos featuring monster friends Katya, Lobo, Zoe, Drac, Cleo and Frankie!

The Angel – Netflix Film: While operating at the highest levels of Egypt’s government, Ashraf Marwan walks a dangerously thin line as a spy for Israel. Based on a true story.

The Dragon Prince – Netflix Original: Two human princes forge an unlikely bond with the elven assassin sent to kill them, embarking on an epic quest to bring peace to their warring lands.

The Land of Steady Habits – Netflix Film: After leaving his wife and his job to find happiness, Anders begins a clumsy, heartbreaking quest to reassemble the pieces of his fractured life.

The World’s Most Extraordinary Homes: Season 2 Part A – Netflix Original: Piers and Caroline head to Portugal, Switzerland, Japan and the United States to tour more one-of-a-kind homes with extraordinary architecture.

September 15

Inside The Freemasons: Season 1

September 16

Role Models

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World

September 17

September 18

American Horror Story: Cult

D.L. Hughley: Contrarian – Netflix Original: Comedian D.L. Hughley riffs on politics, “Black Panther,” his upbringing and more in a rapid-fire stand-up show at Philadelphia’s Merriam Theater.

September 21

Battlefish – Netflix Original: Over the course of the fishing season, a group of fishing boats pursues the lucrative albacore tuna in the competitive waters off the Oregon coast.

DRAGON PILOT: Hisone & Masotan – Netflix Original: Recently stationed Air Self-Defense Force rookie Hisone Amakasu is chosen by a dragon concealed within Gifu Air Base to be his pilot.

Hilda – Netflix Original: Join Hilda as she travels from a wilderness full of elves and giants to Trolberg, a bustling city packed with new friends and mysterious creatures.

Maniac: Limited Series – Netflix Original: Two strangers find themselves caught up in a mind-bending pharmaceutical trial gone awry. Starring Emma Stone and Jonah Hill.

Nappily Ever After – Netflix Film: Violet has it all: the perfect job, the perfect relationship and the perfect hair. Until she doesn’t. What happens when being perfect isn’t enough?

Quincy – Netflix Original: The life and career of legendary music producer Quincy Jones are traced in this biographical documentary directed by his daughter, Rashida Jones.

The Good Cop – Netflix Original: Honest cop Tony Jr. gets advice from his unscrupulous father, retired NYPD officer Tony Sr., about everything from his job to his love life.

September 23

The Walking Dead: Season 8

September 25

Disney’s A Wrinkle in Time

Disney’s Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

September 26

Norsemen: Season 2 – Netflix Original: The sea road to the west has been found, but Norheim’s villagers must still cope with power struggles and the ever-present threat of Jarl Varg.

The Hurricane Heist

September 28

Chef’s Table: Volume 5 – Netflix Original: This season, meet four innovative chefs who are shaking up the food culture in Philadelphia, Istanbul, Bangkok and Barcelona.

El Marginal: Season 2 – Netflix Original: Set three years before the first season, this award-winning Argentine series explores the backstory of criminals and cops operating in the shadows of San Onofre.

Forest of Piano – Netflix Original: Kai grows up playing an old piano discarded in the woods; Shuhei’s father is a famous pianist. Their chance meeting transforms their lives and music.

Hold the Dark – Netflix Film: Summoned to a remote Alaskan village to search for wolves that took a local boy, a naturalist soon finds himself caught in a harrowing mystery.

Jack Whitehall: Travels with My Father: Season 2 – Netflix Original: This season, Jack and his not-so-adventurous dad, Michael, tackle Europe, including the Bavarian Alps, Istanbul, Budapest, Romania, Moldova and Ukraine.

Lessons From A School Shooting: Notes from Dunblane – Netflix Original: Devastated by the school shooting in his town, a priest from Sandy Hook, Connecticut, bonds with a Scottish priest who experienced a similar tragedy.

Lost Song – Netflix Original: War looms over the kingdom of Neunatia, where two young women are both burdened and blessed by the power of song.

Made in Mexico – Netflix Original: Get to know the opulent lifestyles and infamous dynasties of Mexico City’s socialites and the expats vying for a spot in their exclusive social order.

Reboot: The Guardian Code: Season 2 – Netflix Original: With Megabyte, Hexadecimal and the evil Sourcerer still at large, the rebooted Guardians face a new season of threats — both at home and online.

Skylanders Academy: Season 3 – Netflix Original: Season 3 finds Spyro and the Skylanders forging unexpected alliances, taking on new adventures and even straddling the line between good and evil.

The 3rd Eye – Netflix Film: After the death of their parents, two sisters move back to their childhood home, where one sibling claims to be able to see a dark presence.

Two Catalonias – Netflix Film: Lawmakers and activists with conflicting ideologies speak about the complexities of Catalonia’s politics and the fight for its independence from Spain.

September 30

Last Call – Titles that Will be Rotating off the Service in September 2018

September 1

13 Going on 30

A Royal Night Out

Batman Begins

Casino

Dead Poets Society

Disney’s Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest

Exporting Raymond

Forgetting Sarah Marshall

Ghostbusters

Hachi: A Dog’s Tale

Hotel for Dogs

I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry

It Might Get Loud

Joyful Noise

Just Friends

Lockup: County Jails: Collection 1

Man on Wire

Stuart Little 3: Call of the Wild

The Assets

The Bucket List

The Dark Knight

The Descent

The Descent: Part 2

September 2

September 11

Rules of Engagement: Seasons 1 – 7

September 14

Disney’s Pete’s Dragon

September 15

A Star Is Born

Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead

Bordertown

September 16

Are You Here

Jackass 3.5: The Unrated Movie

Moonrise Kingdom

September 24

September 28

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[tube-thoughts-blog]

tube thoughts vol. 1

zero stars - terrible, 1/2 a star - dull, 1 star - folly, 1 1/2 stars - lacking,   2 stars - fair, 2 1/2 stars - decent, 3 stars - terrific

(note: I may have overrated some Hollywood blockbusters, like Marvel films, at a time when I was starved of the big budget spectacle coming off a time when I hadn't much time to watch movies. After nearly 30 volumes of new & old movies plus tv shows, I would not waste time or money or overhype my enjoyment of anything mainstream & popular just because all the bells & whistles woo'd me... I hope. Hey, I even avoided seeing the first new 20tens Star Wars reboot in theaters & on home video so far. That's saying  something. Maybe I restored some integrity even though I still have arguably cheesy taste.)

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

"The People vs. George Lucas" *Case dismissed*  3 stars

"Flash Gordon" 1980 *Holy Joe Namath*  3 stars

"One Million Ac/Dc" *Psssss, wanna see naked pictures of your sister?*  3 stars

Jan Svankmajer "Conspirators of Pleasure"  3 stars

Kolchak The NightStalker"Horror in the Heights" *Sasquatch in disguise*  3 stars

"The Exorcist 3" starring George C. Scott and Brad Dourif *Invitation to the dance*  3 stars

Lost and Found Video Night Vol. 6* Safety and cynicism*  2 1/2 stars

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2 The Secret of the Ooze" *An xl double cheese with mutated fish paste delivered to Dr. Moreau of Long Island."*  2 1/2 stars

Mark Borchardt "Coven" *Stephen King's Clerks* 2 stars

"Raw Meat" featuring Donald Pleasance *A subway Sawney Bean*  3 stars

"The Curious Dr. Humpp" *Sci fi nudie horror Prequel to a boner infomercial* 2 1/2 stars

Dario Argento's "Opera" *Puts the eye in Italian*  3 stars

"Bronies: The Extremely Unexpected Adult Fans of MyLittle Pony" *Dignifies the derided, but do they deserve it?* 2 1/2 stars

"The Garbage Pail Kids" *"Did I do that?" Urkel. It's that level of annoying.* 1 1/2 stars

"Johnny Mnemonic" Japanese cut *Robo-dolfphin FTW! Dolph Lundgren MVP.*  3 stars

"Hellraiser: Bloodline" *Event Horizon: A New Hope* 2 stars

"Thundercrack" sexploitation* Scat on a hot tin roof*  2 stars

Kevin Smith's "Red State" *Superbad in Waco circa 1993*  3 stars

"Buckeroo Banzai" *"Leftfield entertainment"*  3 stars

Harmony Korine's "Mister Lonely" *"The Lord wants us to jump out of a plane without a parachute."*   3 stars

Star Wars 'Downfall of the Old Republic' fan edit *makes the prequels almost seem tolerable*  2 stars

Joe Bob's Summerschool with surprise guest Eugene Levy Kenneth Branagh and Frank Darabont present "Mary Shelley's Frankenstein" featuring Robert Deniro as the monster between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

rifftrax presents"The Grudge" starring Bill Pullman and Buffy *"This movie dishes out horror by the thimble full."* 3 stars with riffing 2 1/2 without

"The ABC'S of Death"'

'A Is For Apocalypse'- Nacho Vigalondo 3 stars

'B is for Bigfoot' Adrian Garcia Bogliano 2 1/2 stars

'C is for Cycle' Ernesto Diaz Espinoza 3 stars

'D is for Dogfight' Marcel Sarmiento 2 1/2 stars

'E is for Exterminate' Angela Bettis 2 stars

'F is for Fart' Noburu Iguchi 1 1/2 stars

'G is for Gravity' Andrew Traucki 1/2 a star

'H is for Hydro electric diffusion' Thom Malling 2 1/2'

'I is for Ingrown' Jorge Michel Grau 3 stars

'J is jidai geki aka samurai movie' Yudai Yamaguchi 2 stars

'K is for Klutz' Anders Morganthaler 2 stars

'L is for Libido' Timo Tjahjanto 3 stars

'M is for Miscarriage' Ti West zero stars

'N is for Nuptials' Bajong Pisanthankun 2 1/2 stars

'O is Orgasm' Bruno Forzani and Helene Cattet 2 1/2 stars

'P is for Pressure' Simon Rumley 2 stars

'Q is for Quack' Adam Wingard 1 star

'R is for Removed' Srdjan Spasojevic 3 stars

'S is for Speed' Jake West 2 stars

'T is for Toilet' Lee Hardcastle 3 stars

'U is for Unearthed' Ben Wheatley 2 1/2 stars

'V is for Vagitus' Kaare Andrews 3 stars best so far

'W is for WTF!' Jon Schnepp 2 stars'

'X is for XXL' Xavier Gens either zero or 2 1/2 stars

'Y is for Young Buck' Jason Eisner either zero or 3 stars

'Z is for Zetsumetsu aka extinction' Yoshi Nishimura 2 1/2

Masters of Horror Joe Dante's "The Screwfly Solution "*It's not nice to screw with Mother Nature*  3 stars

Kolchak: The Night Stalker "The Energy Eater" *Indian Giver*  2 1/2 stars

Cannon films "White of the Eye" starring David Keith *Twangy Giallo* 3 stars

Don Coscarelli's "Phantasm 2" *Yellow No. 5*   3 stars

rifftrax presents Ed Wood's "Plan 9: From Outer Space" *"Eck, shouldn't have microwaved that twinkie!"* 3 stars with riffing 2 without

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace "Scotch Mist" *"Sometimes you have to be a bigot to beat a bigger bigot."* 2 1/2 stars

John Carpenter's "Prince of Darkness" *Bill Nye the exorcism guy*  3 stars

Twin Peaks: "Slaves and Masters" *War of Northern Aggression*  3 stars

Don Mancini's "Curse of Chucky" *Charles Lee Ray returns to his roots. I was sort of hoping this was a direct sequel to part 3 with Bride and Seed not happening, but the reveal of the stitches and  some other story elements proved otherwise. Oh, well. Nice touch with the backstory and Brad Dourif running around looking like an even creepier Tommy Wiseau in the 80s. The cameos are either a nice homage to the series or needless fan service and not knowing when to quit.*   3 stars (minus maybe half a star for the after credits sequence)

"Waterpower" xxx  Jamie Gillis is The Enema Bandit *Freedom of the body... freedom of '76. This movie was brought to you by the mafia and Nathan's Hot Dogs*   either zero stars or three stars

Joe Bob's Drive In Theater with special guest horror host Zacherly "Jakarta" a Charles Kaufman film *A noir No Reservations with a hardboiled Anthony Bourdain*   3 stars

Kolchak: The Night Stalker "The Spanish Moss Murders" *Stiffling dreams brings the Swamp Thing*   3 stars

Lucio Fulci's "City of the Living Dead" *Schlitz on tap*  2 1/2 stars

"The Golden Voyage of Sinbad" featuring the special fx of Ray Harryhausen and starring Dr. Who's Tom Baker as an evil sorcerer   3 stars

Roger Corman presents "Battle Beyond the Stars" *Luke SkyWalton*  2 1/2 stars

Rifftrax presents "Buffalo Rider" *like a rhinestone pachyderme* 2 stars with riffing 1 without

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "Joe's Apartment" *Willard, the musical* 2 stars

Rob Zombie's "House of 1,000 Corpses" *Fulci's eyeball in a bag of circus peanuts lying on the floor next to Sherri Moon's Big Daddy Roth underoos*  2 stars

Lost and Found Video Night Vol. 2 *A very musical edition. But yet again with the Steve Vai stalker and her queefing... ugh.*  2 1/2 stars

Rifftrax presents "Future Force" starring David Carradine *In an age populated by retarded rent-a-cops...* 3 stars with riffing 2 without

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs Stephen King's "Maximum Overdrive" starring Emilio Estevez, Pat Hingle, Yeardley Smith and including the music of AC/DC *Clever premise silly execution. This crazy scenario is what we get for the trucker fad of the seventies*  2 1/2 stars

Lost and Found Video Night Vol 3 *Jackie Gleason with a screw loose,  japanese school girl mass suicide, Nazi Donald Duck, and much more*  2 1/2 stars

I'm Alan Partridge "Towering Alan" *the common touch*   2 1/2 stars

"Retard O Tron 2" *These moronic mix tapes are starting to wear thin on me*   2 stars

Joe Bob's Drive In Theater 25th Anniversary of "Night of the Living Dead" with special guest Tom Savini and his film "Night of the Living Dead" 1990 *You're beginning to become a badass Barb-ara*  3 stars

Masters of Horror Dario Argento's "Pelts" starring Meat Loaf and John Saxon *Slap dash and horrific*  3 stars

"Hot Dreams" 1983 xxx *has a thread of tension that elevates it*  3 stars

Joe Bob's Summer School UFO Studies 666 Tim Burton's "Mars Attacks" *Forget grandma, protect the t.v.!*   2 1/2 stars

"Vampires Suck" *Like a creep with pointy teeth, it leers unashamedly.* zero stars

Don Coscarelli's "John Dies at the End" *sawsome awes*  3 stars

"Lost and Found Video Night: Vol. 1" 2 1/2 stars

Rifftrax presents "The Happening" *Differently dumb marky mark and doey zoey awkwardly reconnect their dead romance during pants shitting doom / cartoon revenge of the earth day* 3 stars with riffing 2 1/2 without

TV Funhouse: "Western Day"  3 stars

"Kids in the Hall: Brain Candy" *Feels more like another 90s Lorne Michaels' movie than it does everything that was great about the sketch show*   2 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs Clive Barker's "Nightbreed" *It was a graveyard smash.*   3 stars

Rifftrax presents "Troll 2" *a double decker baloney sandwich* 3 plus stars with riffing 3 without

"Edward Penishands" *on the bucket list of films for fudging weirdos like me.* 2 stars

Stuart Gordon and Brian Yuzna present "From Beyond" *Third eye erogenous zone*  3 stars

"Birdemic: Shock and Terror" *"Heal the world." Michael Jackson* 1 1/2 stars with riffing without riffing 1/2 a star until the actual birdemic starts and then maybe 1 star

Masters of Horror John Carpenter's "Pro Life" starring Ron Perlman  3 stars

South Park double feature ----------

"Trapped in the Closet" *The Cruise, Travolta, and Scientology jabs will sting and be relevant for a long time, probably, but the R. Kelly  joke is really dated. I'd already forgotten about his whole  silly closet song from 2000 whenever.*  3 stars

"Go God Go" 3 stars

-------------------------------

"Tim & Eric's Billion Dollar Movie"   *Interestingly absurd commentary on mall culture that would make a strange double feature with Romero's Dawn.* 2 stars

The Hitchhiker: Dark Wishes *Kindness with kill'em*  2 stars

Twin Peaks "Double Play" *Riposte* 3 stars

Tales from the Crypt "Revenge is the Nuts" guest starring Isaac Hayes  2 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "Highlander" *That sensation you're feeling is called The Quickening. Brought to you by Nestle's Quik*   3 stars

Kolchak The Night Stalker "Bad Medicine" *Chief Trance A Ho* 2 1/2 stars

Tobe Hooper's "Lifeforce" starring Steve Railsback, Peter Firth, and Patrick Stewart as a sexy bride of Dracula *Count Tesla* 3 stars

"The Last Shark" featuring Vic Morrow  2 1/2 stars

TV Carnage "Casual Fridays"   3 stars

I'm Alan Partridge "To Kill a Mocking Alan" *"I'm such a big head." -Alan*    3 stars

Roger Corman's "The Raven" starring Vincent Price, Boris Karloff, Peter Lorre, and Jack Nicholson   *Tongue in cheek and coughing up blood.* 2 1/2 stars

Masters of Horror "Sounds Like"   *Watch this and for once you will sympathize with a telemarketer, believe it or not.* 3 stars

Monstervision presents: A Very Joe Bob Christmas *Rusty the mail girl and some other bimbos sing ear slaughtering Christmas carols.* "Gremlins"  3 stars

Parasite aka Mutant featuring demi moore *People who need people are the worst... worse than slimey soul sucking slugs*  3 stars

Joe Bob's Summer School with special guest Clint Howard "Ice Cream Man" 3 stars for the interview 2 for the movie

Masters of Horror "The V Word" guest starring Michael Ironside *What happened to the piss and vinegar of youth?*   3 stars

"Q, The Winged Serpent" a Larry Cohen film featuring Richard Roundtree, David Carradine, and a manic, brilliant performance by Michael Moriarty     3 stars

rifftrax presents "Prisoners of the Lost Universe" featuring John Saxon *Tim 'The Tool Man' Taylor, an Imp, a Neanderthal, and a Navi....Looney Tunes meets sword and sorcery*   2 1/2 stars with riffing 2 without

"The Crazy Dave Tape 2" *maybe you were 12 or so and there was this older teen in the neighborhood who you thought was cool and he let you hang out with him some, but he was way too into horror movies, firecrackers, porno mags, shooting cats in the butt with b b guns,listening to metal records, popping wheelies on his dirtbike, and smoking pot?  that's the kind of person who'd make this vhs mix tape*   2 stars

"Found Footage Festival: Vol 2"   3 stars

Cannon Films presents "Exterminator 2" *The Dark Knight Returns and engulfs New Jack City*   3 stars

Kolchak: The Night Stalker "The Devil's Platform" *Stygian lobbyist*  3 stars

Fangoria presents "Mindwarp " starring Bruce Campbell and Angus Scrimm *The Dig Dug Have Eyes. A MMORPG, and at risk teen PSA, for the Sega CD generation.*  3 stars

Garth Marenghi's "Darkplace" 'The Apes of Wrath' *We were young, we were physically fit, and we were challenging logic.*   3 stars

"42nd Street Forever" *'Golden Age of Porn' film trailers.*  3 stars

TV Carnage "A Sore for Sighted Eyes"  3 stars

Roger Corman's NEW WORLD PICTURES "The Arena" starring Pam Grier  3 stars

Masters of Horror John Landis presents "Family" starring George Wendt *A "Master of Horror" shouldn't use sketchy cgi.*  2 1/2 stars

"The Crazy Dave Tape 1" *Italians have the best weddings, kay!?*  2 stars

"The Beast that Killed Women" *Actual nudists are more scary than a guy in a gorilla suit.*   1 1/2 stars

The Asylum presents "I Am Omega" *Asylum movies are never aesthetically pleasing, but at least this one doesn't have cheap CGI ghouls. Also,it doesn't hurt that this source material has already yielded three other good movies.*  2 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "The Howling: 7 - New Moon Rising" *An Aussie Tommy Wiseau's honky tonk lycanthrope.*   1 star

Masters of Horror Richard Matheson and Tobe Hooper present their version of Ambrose Bierce's "The Damned Thing" *Black Gold*  2 1/2 stars

"American Ninja" starring Michael Dudikoff *Rebel without a set of pajamas*  3 stars

TV Carnage "A Rich Tradition of Magic" *Where's the Terrance and Phillip, buddy?*  2 1/2 stars

I'm Alan Partridge "Basic Alan" *That close to being infamous.* 3 stars

Rifftrax - "Viva Knievel!" *Bring me the head of Jerry Garcia!*   3 stars with riffing 2 without

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "Godzilla vs. Monster Zero" *The visitors from Planet X are buttnoids.  Crank up the Slim Whitman.*             2 1/2 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs and special guests SCTV's Count Floyd and USA UP All NIGhT's Rhonda Shear John Carpenter's "In the Mouth of Madness" *We've only just begun to live*    3 stars

rifftrax presents Star Wars: Episode 1 "The Phantom Menace" *Pod Racing belongs on ESPN 8* 2 stars with riffing 1 star without

Kolchak, The Nightstalker "Firefall" *Grisley Candleabra*  3 stars

"Satanis, The Devil's Mass" *If you're going to San Fran Cisco... be sure to visit the Church of Satan. They seem pretty down to earth aside from their pretentiousness.*  2 1/2 stars

"Alligator" 1980  starring Robert Forster *Police seek to punish society for their own illicit desires. / Freud.                      See you later, alligator. / Jung*  3 stars

X Files "One Breath" 2 1/2 stars

"Creepshow 2" *'The Raft' felt like a Junji Ito manga.*  3 stars

rifftrax presents "Breaker Breaker" starring Chuck Norris *Shanghai'd? Roundhouse! Roundhouse! Keep on truckin!* 3 stars with riffing 2 1/2 without

retard o tron mixtape vol 3 *less mtv's ridiculousness more internet retardedness* either zero stars or 2 1/2 stars

"Mortal Kombat: Annihilation" *Toasty! Grilled cheese.*  2 stars

rifftrax with Mike Nelson and special guest Weird Al "Jurassic Park" 3 plus stars with riffing 3 without

Hammer Films "The Blood Beast Terror" *Heavy handed with the Mary Shelley*  2 1/2 stars

2EVERYTHING2TERRIBLE2 Tokyo Drift  3 stars

"Beach Babes from Beyond" starring Sylvester and Frank Stallone's mom, Charlie Sheen and Emilio Estevez's uncle, Adam West's Robin, Burt Ward, John Travolta's brother Joey, plus Linnea Quigley *Daytona Beach, California. DUH!*  2 1/2 stars

rifftrax presents Patrick Swayze's "Roadhouse" a Mike Nelson solo *The pilot for John Taffer's Bar Rescue* 3 plus stars with riffing 3 stars without

Buster Keaton's "The Scarecrow" *We got married in a fever* 3 stars

"Grizzly" 1976 *Why didn't they just arm everyone with grenade launchers to begin with?*        3 stars

Joe Bob's Summer School with special guest Roddy Piper "Immortal Combat" *Meg Foster as an evil dragon lady, Sony Chiba as the old dog cop with a samurai sword, Tiny Lister as a gorilla with a heart of gold, and Hot Rod himself as the happy go lucky hero, plus some goofy looking bodybuilders turned into mindless karate warriors by Mayan voodoo.* 2 1/2 stars

"Next of Kin" ozploitation *Can you hear the thunder? - Men At Work* 3 stars

"Retard-o-tron mixtape vol 1" *can't tell if they're celebrating all the 'xtreme' sports crap as cool or not*        zero stars and or 2 1/2 stars

rifftrax presents "The Room" *Tommy Wiseau tossing around the football with Crow and Tom Servo.* 3 plus stars with riffing 3 without

monstervision with joe bob briggs Larry Cohen's "It's Alive" *This would make Nancy Grace's brain melt and pour out of her huge nostrils.*  3 stars

Garth Marenghi's "Dark Place" 'Skipper the Eyechild'  3 stars

The Simpsons - Trick or Treehouse - Heaven & Hell "Bart's Soul" plus "Lisa the Skeptic" *Classics*  3 stars

"Creature" featuring a pervy Klaus Kinski *This Alien ripoff even has its own Ripley rip off*  3 stars

I'm Alan Partridge "Watership Alan" *"Can you make pornography come on my tele, please?"*  3 stars

"Scream and Scream Again" Vincent Price, Christopher Lee, Peter CUshing, Judy Dench *Deep fried BladeRunner*  2 1/2 stars

Joe Bob's Summer School UFO Studies 666 with special guest Anne Francis of "Forbidden Planet" also starring Leslie Nielson *To thine ownself be cruel*  3 stars

Georgina Spelvin "The Devil in Miss Jones" *She sauntered through the mist unshackled by her veil.*  3 stars

The Hitchhiker "When Morning Comes" 3 stars

Twin Peaks "Checkmate" *Great monolouge at DEAD DOG by Michael Parks about Agent Cooper and the trippy bizarre ending saved the episode*  3 stars

Luis Bunuel's "The Young One" *Sorghum sweet*  3 stars

"Run! Bitch Run!" *Syfy presents Rube Zombie's "RapeNado: The Revenge"* 1 star

Roger Corman's "Swamp Women" *Dirty, desperate dames.*  3 stars

Commander USA's Groovie Movies "The Unseen" *Creepy incest brother sister upstairs, mongoloid manbaby killer in the cellar, Guess Jeans / Vagisil model houseguest victims* 2 1/2 stars

X Files "3" *Gen X blood fetishes are Xtremely pretentious.*   2 1/2 stars

Pee Wee's pick "Nurse Nancy" xxx *not worth going to jail over, but i support pee wee and his pee pee.* 2 stars

Ken Russell's film of "The Devils" 3 stars

Udo Kier in "Spermula" *nookie kryptonite* 2 1/2 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "Future Hunters" *The liquid metal terminator was in a Fillipino ripoff of MadMax / Raiders of the Lost Ark / Enter the Dragon / Rambo / Die Hard / Return of the Jedi / Treasure Island / Amazon Women / and Terminator  before he was even in James Cameron's T2.* 3 stars

"Hotel Paradise" *The loins of liberty.*  3 stars

John Holmes as Johnny Wadd in "Blonde Fire" 2 1/2 stars

Stanley Kubrick's "Barry Lyndon" *History is made by the scoundrels.* 3 stars

Joe Bob's Summerschool   with a special guest hollywood workout instructor and the feature film "Conan the Barbarian" *Fitness fads for yuppies from the Ally McBeal & Friends era adds nothing to the experience of trying to watch a sword and sorcery adventure movie. TNT stinks.*  3 stars for the movie  zero for the TNT stuff

"Meatballs 3: Rudy's Big Challenge" special appearance by a younger Shannon Tweed *every time a bell rings a nerd pops his cherry. ding a ling*   2 1/2 stars

Roger Corman presents "Suburbia" a film by Penelope spheeris *"Have you hugged your kid, today?" Flea*   3 stars

Monstervision with Joe BoB Briggs "The Road Warrior" *Wheeling in a wasteland wonderland*  3 stars

Jules Verne's "The Mysterious Island" special FX by Ray Haryhausen 3 stars

David Cronenberg's "The Fly" *Brilliant bug out*  3 stars

Russell Simmons presents Abel Ferrara's "The Addiction" *Hip half-dead histrionics* 1/2 a star

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs Children of the Corn 2 "The Final Sacrifice" *Corn nut children's cult, contaminated corn crop conspiracy, cantakerous old crows, corny cgi.*  2 stars

Mario Bava's "Planet of Vampires" *Feels like a similar universe to Prometheus and Alien.* 3 stars

"The Monkey Hu$tle" *Pot meat and greens* 2 1/2 stars

Amber Lynn in "Amber Aroused" *That weird period of time after Return of the Jedi when R2 palled around with Ron Jeremy.*  3 stars

"Maniac" 1934 *billy goat curse* 3 stars

John Carpenter presents "Bodybags" *The Gas Station 2 1/2 stars Hair 2 1/2 stars Eye 3 stars*

"Five Bloody Graves" *fatalist western* 2 1/2 stars

USA UP ALL NIGHT with Rhonda shear plus 90s commercials "Shocker" *Charles Lee Ray The Lawnmower Man on Elm Street walks The Green Mile* 1 1/2 stars

"Nightmare Beach" starring John Saxon and Michael Parks *Scorcher* 3 stars

Garth Marenghi's "Darkplace" 'Hell Hath Fury' *A punch and judy* 3 stars

I'm Alan Partridge "Alan Attraction" *You're sacked*  3 stars

MST3K presents "Quest of the Delta Knights" *Davinci Archimede gobbledy*   2 STARS with spoofing 1 1/2 without

John Waters' "Polyester" *Odorous*  3 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "Ghoulies" *A big creepy house is not a home without a few demonic munchkins running about.*  2 1/2 stars

Twin Peaks "The Black Widow" 2 1/2 stars

"The Devonsville Terror" featuring Donald Pleasance *Pilgrims' Unrest*  3 stars

Shannon Tweed in "Nightfire" *Horses, hot-tubs, and handguns.* 2 1/2 stars

George Romero presents Tales from the Darkside "The Circus" *Jaundiced critique of bonafide mystique.* 3 stars

John Carpenter's "Vampires" featuring James Woods as your Peter Cushing Van Helsing type, a pudgy Danny Baldwin as his hung over looking assistant, and Laura Palmer as a Lucy Westerena  3 stars

"Shakes, The Clown" *There's a tear in my beer. It's called Pathos.* 3 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "Embrace of the Vampire" *Coffee house Bram Stoker. Bit more sweet than bitter* starring Alyssa Milano and the guy from Spandau Ballet 2 stars

Troma's "Maniac Nurses Find Ecstasy" *"The bored slowdance of those who've done everything"* 1 1/2 stars

The Hitchhiker "Best Shot" *Jackass yuppies*  3 stars

"The Blob" 80s remake *Gives Carpenter's "The Thing" a run for its money.* 3 stars

Dr. Who *fourth doctor* "The Sontaran Experiment" *Humpty Dumpty's Empire had a great fall.*  3 stars

"Hell High" 1989 *When green sliming someone goes horribly wrong.*  3 stars

rifftrax "reefer madness" *smoke pot just once and you'll wind up on trial for MURDER!* 2 stars with riffing 1 1/2 without

Fred Olen Ray's "Dinosaur Island" *topless cave chicks, hot springs hot tubs, & T-Rex terror* 3 stars

"Flash Fire" starring Tom Skerritt *Slow burner about watching your dream go up in smoke.*   3 stars

"Nude for Satan" *Hotel Californication* 1 1/2 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs Friday the 13th: Part 6 "Jason Lives" *A strawberry jelly donut with the filling sucked out by vampire censors.*   2 1/2 stars

Commander UsA's Groovie Movies "Blade Master" starring Miles O'Keeffe aka Tarzan as Ator *Stone Age Man say NO NUKES!*  1 1/2 stars

Troma's "War" *LOST meets Rambo meets SouthPark*   3 stars

"Kongo" 1932 *Fiendin' for bad juju*  3 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs Tobe Hooper's "Funhouse" *Why buy the (2-headed) cow (a wedding ring)  when you can get the milk (and nookie) fer free?*  3 stars

Mermaid Man, Ernest Borgnine and The Crow, Brandon Lee team up for "Laser Mission" *Easy going espionage*  2 stars

Marilyn Chambers in "Behind The Green Door" 1 star up until the trippy money shot sequence and 3 stars for everything including it and after

Tales from the Crypt "Judy, You're Not Yourself Today." *Witchy Wife Swap*  3 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs Gene Roddenberry's "Genesis 2" *Idiocracy of the Demolition Man in Futurama*   2 1/2 stars

X Files "Ascension" guest starring Steve Railsback   3 stars

Udo Kier in "Mark of the Devil" *Stupid Superstition*  3 stars

Rifftrax "Wickerman" remake *Un-Cage'd WOMYN of Silent Hill... erm Isle.* 2 1/2 stars with riffing 1 1/2 stars without

Stuart Gordon's "Fortress" starring Christopher Lambert & Kurtwood Smith *Andy Duframe is preggers with an Apple I-baby.*   3 stars

Something Weird Video presents "Getting into Heaven" 2 1/2 stars

"Equinox" 1970 *Classic monster movie FX hootenanny  and middle finger to SYFY.*   3 stars

Unsolved Mysteries with Robert stack *Fat, invalid husband's embezzling wife vanishes with kids, suspect son's mom murdered in car at carson city casino, custody dispute and walmart disappearance, crazy canadian's strange death in states,  shot on a desolate road by mysterious man in a black pickup truck, kroq confess your crime joke segment goes horribly wrong  with a grim call in that turns out to be a big hoax, reconstructing the image of a long dead jane doe murder victim*   2 stars

"Deranged" *Folksy necromancy*  3 stars

I'm Alan Partridge "A Room with an Alan" *The original Stephen Colbert character.*  3 stars

Fred Olen Ray's "Bikini Airways" *The Skanky Skies* 2 stars

Garth Marenghi's Darkplace Once Upon a Beginning *"The most significant televidual event since Quantum Leap."* 3 stars

Director's Cut of Highlander 2 "The Quickening" *A unicorn with a flying v guitar around its neck  and its ass hanging out the back of a Hummer stretch limo  teetering over the edge of a volcano and shitting half digested Ben Franklin(S).*  1 1/2 stars

Frank Henenlotter's "Bad Biology" *Imagine Georgia O'Keefe scissoring Slim Shady, Wu Tang's ODB, Biz Markie, and Eazy E.*  3 stars

Commander USA's Groovie Movies "The Psychotronic Man" *Floyd 'The Barber' gets all Criss Angel 'Mindfreak.'*   1/2 a star

Joe Bob's Summer School *Advanced Primate Studies* "Escape from the Planet of the Apes" *Joe Bob's theory on the proliferation of dumb people, by studying them at walmart, being an evolutionary necessity might have influenced Mike Judge a little in making his movie "Idiocracy."* 2 1/2 stars... needs more apes

"Gator Bait" *Red on the head, fire in the (w)hole.*  3 stars

"TUrkey Shoot" starring Steve Railsback *So-ciety, yer spiteful, indeed.*  3 stars

Roger Corman presents "Forbidden World" *Dingwhopper*  3 stars

Dario Argento presents "The Church" *Go now you've been set free. Like a real reptile.*  2 1/2 stars

"Night Eyes" starring Tanya Roberts and Andrew Stevens *bohunk bodyguard, voyeur, and lover.* 2 1/2 stars

Rifftrax Joel Schumacher's "Batman & Robin" *Smug George Clooney versus sardonic Mike Nelson.* 2 stars with riffing 1 star without

"Madhouse" starring Vincent Price *Queer regret.*  3 stars

Disney's "Secrets of Pirates Inn" 2 1/2 stars

William Friedkin's "To Live and Die in L.A." *Angels with dirty faces.* 3 stars

Linda Blair in "Hell Night" *Hazing. Heavy petting. Horror hijinx. Haunted Mansion. Hills Have Eyes type heavies.*  3 stars

Joe Bob's Hollywood Saturday Night "Nair WitcH" segments *Less bad 3's Company sitcom humor attempts by TNT. More hillbilly horror afficiando featuring just Joe Bob.* and the feature movie presentation "Child's Play 2" *I remember Siskel being really bothered by these movies, because the victim of all the horror was a child.*   3 stars

"Street Trash" *The rot gut and rough hewn.*  3 stars

George Romero presents Tales from the Darkside "Beetles" 2 1/2 stars

H. Gordon Lewis' "Scum of the Earth" *Sleazoids use blackmail to get unfortunate women to pose nekkid.* 2 1/2 stars

Mario Bava's "Hatchet for the Honeymoon" 2 1/2 stars

"Blood Beach" *Jaws wannabe with a tv movie amount of action and fx.*   2 1/2 stars

"Red Hill" *Aussie High Plains Drifter*  3 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "The Fog" *John Carpenter's Sunken Starship 'We Built This City on Lepers' Gold'*   3 stars

"Caligula" *Grotesque gods of gore and genital glorification."  3 stars

Brian Depalma's "Dressed to Kill" *Hitchcock in high heels.*  3 stars

MST3K "Zombie Nightmare" starring Adam West, Thor, and Tia Carrere 3 stars with spoofing 2 without

Abel Ferrara's "China Girl" *ramen with marinara"  3 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs  "The Kiss" *kill your kin and live again*   3 stars

Brian Yuzna's "Bride of Re-Animator" *Arkham affordable care extends into the afterlife.*   3 stars

X Files "Duane Barry" guest starring Steve Railsback 3 stars

Wonderful World of Disney "The Ghost of Cypress Swamp" starring Vic Morrow   3 stars

"Infested" aka "Ticks" *Clint Howard, Carlton, seth Green, and one of the Bosom Buddies. Great casting. Great creature fx.* 3 stars

Commander USA's Groovie Movies "The Abominable Snowman" starring Forest Tucker and Peter Cushing *Ra's al Ghul not believe in yeti and no should you. capiche?* 2 stars

"Elvira, Mistress of the Dark" *Wayne's World with two bigger boobs.*  3 stars

Herschell Gordon Lewis presents "Something Weird" hosted by Joe Bob Briggs *Be square and unaware. There's no truth out there.*   1 star

Twin Peaks "Masked Ball" *David Duchovny as Denise the DEA agent.*  3 stars

"The Rapture" starring Mimi Rogers *Filling the void or avoiding the fill.*   3 stars

"cut throats nine" *Manly spaghetti westerns were often dubbed with the same silly irreverence as sissy boy animes would end up with.*  3 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "The Ultimate Warrior" starring Yul Brynner and Max Von Sydow *Stone Cold Mr. Clean against the tomato raiders.*  3 stars

Umberto Lenzi's "Eaten Alive" *Jonestown massacre and weenie roast.* either 3 stars or zero stars for tasteless cruelty.

"Nipples and Palm Trees" *It's Always Horny in California... and depressing"   2 1/2 stars

Hammer Films' "The Brides of Dracula"  3 stars

Joe Bob's Hollywood Saturday Night Hollywood Halloween in search of the "Nair Witch" segments *TNT tried to ruin Monstervision by taking Joe Bob out of the trailer park.* and the feature movie Brian Depalma's "Carrie" *John Travolta at his manprettiest saying "Git'r done"as he slaughters a pig.*   3 stars

Tales from the Crypt "Came the Dawn" *Brooke Shields is bland and boring in everything she does.*   2 1/2 stars

David Cronenberg's "Rabid" starring Marilyn Chambers *I drink your maple syrup. I eat your Canadian bacon.*  3 stars

Stuart Gordon's "The Inquisitor" starring Lance Henriksen *Mercy Me. I can only imagine."  3 stars

Doctor Who (the fourth doctor) "The Ark in Space" starring Tom Baker *Animal crackers in my celestial soup.*   3 stars

"Talk Dirty To Me One More Time" featuring Harry Reems   2 stars

Monstervision with Joe BoB Briggs Wes Craven's "Swamp Thing" starring Adrienne Barbeau* "Run through the jungle." Creedence Clearwater Revival.*   3 stars

The Hitchiker "Secret Ingredient"  3 stars

Cannon films presents "River of Death" *Michael Dudikoff's Frank Miller style narration.*   3 stars

William Lustig's "Maniac Cop" *Introduce a little anarchy.*   3 stars

Ken Russell's "The Lair of the White Worm" *I kept expecting Dylan Moran, Simon Pegg, and The Cure to show up.*   2 1/2 stars

Todd Solondz "Happiness" *This Robert Altman shit depresses me.* either zero stars or three

Joe Bob's SummerSchool presents "Conan: The Destroyer" *Hannah Montana wants Arnold and his pecs to teach her sex, but Shaquille O'Neal has agreed to satisfy evil queen Nancy Grace's lust for virginal sacrifice. Also a big Amazon lady, an Oriental magician, the trusty imp, and this ancient horned dragon god.*   3 stars

Are you afraid of the dark? "Tale of Vampire Town" *Corey Feldman's cousin's parents try to be understanding about their son's need to cosplay and roleplay as Wesley Snipes' character Blade.*   2 1/2 stars

Lucio Fulci's "Zombi 2" *The only shelter on cursed islands is some rickety shack. Spanish explorers never fully decompose. Sharks don't like it, when a zombie is the one doing the biting.*  3 stars

Mario Bava's "Black Sunday" *Cedric the Entertainer, bo bo slayer? Tyler Perry's Black Sunday. TBS very unfunny.*     3 stars

"Humongous" *Quaint little slasher.*   3 stars

Roger Corman's "Creature from the Haunted Sea" *Clever and kooky.*   3 stars

Commander USA Groovy Movies presents (edited for tv yet still disturbing) David Cronenberg's "The Brood" featuring Oliver Reed *No more psycho trauma hatched monkeys jumping on the bed*   3 stars

George Romero presents Tales from the Darkside Harlan Ellison's "Djinn, No Chaser" guest genie Kareem Abdul Jabar   1 1/2 stars

Frank Henenlotter's "Frankenhooker" *Hetero Dahmer with a hooker's heart of gold.*  3 stars

"Bad Boy Bubby" *more disturbing than dogtooth and just as morbidly humorous. crocodile dundee in the 4th dimension* either zero stars or 3 stars

MST3K presents "Devil Fish"   *more boring than the already boring reality show Deadliest Catch.* 2 stars with spoofing 1 without

"Loose Screws: Screwballs 2" *Not as good as the original, but still a lot of fun.*   3 stars

Roger Corman presents "The Dunwich Horror" starring Dean Stockwell *The old ones and the young ones.*   3 stars

"The Song Remains the Same" *The concert is mesmerizing. The art film moments are interesting. The backstage footage / incidents are boring. The personal life stuff is curious and a little dull. Where are the groupies being fed to sharks and black magic rituals?*   2 1/2 stars

Monstervision with host Joe Bob Briggs and special guest Linnea Quigley "Return of the Living Dead" *These are the zombies that crave brains, not every zombie does that like some so called horror fans mistakenly think.*  3 stars

X Files "Sleepless" guest starring Tony Todd *Get out of my dreams. Get into my car, Agent Scully.*     3 stars

Something Weird Video presents "My Secret Life" *Like Downton Abbey with Game of Thrones amount of uncut penis.*  2 stars

"Elvira's Haunted Hills" *Crumbling castle, medieval torture, musical numbers, and cleavage comedy.* 2 1/2 stars

Unsolved Mysteries with Robert Stack *Gangbuster's sketchy suicide, aspiring chef's breakdowns and disappearance, topless bar waitress's jealous boyfriend and disappearance, unexplained death of astate trooper possibly by killer hippies, a strange soldier's secretive business and permanent awol,  a nice church lady  helps her prison penpal boyfriend escape and disappear,  middle aged mama's boys chizophrenic wrongly convicted and later proved innocent*   3 stars

Abel Ferrara's "Ms. 45 - Angel of Vengeance" *You say it best, when you say nothing at all.*   3 stars

Mario Bava's "Hercules in the Haunted World" with Christopher Lee as a Cthullu worshipping necromancer                       *Long expired eye candy.*  3 stars

"Humanoids from the Deep" featuring Vic Morrow *The horniest catch.*  3 stars

Are You Afraid of the Dark "The Tale of the Frozen Ghost" starring Melissa Joan Hart *I'm cold.*  3 stars

The Hitchhiker *Hit and RUn* 2 1/2 stars

George Romero presents Tales from the Darkside "The Family Reunion" starring Patricia Tallman and Stephen MacHattie 3 stars

"Death Spa" *Awe, fuck this computer shit*  3 stars

Richard Linklater's "Bernie" starring Jack Black *Little pink caskets for you and me.*   3 stars

Joe Bob's SummerSchool "Pee-wee's Big Adventure "written by Phil Hartman, scored by Danny Elfman, and Directed by Tim Burton *Tex Avery would like this movie.*   3 stars

James Gunn and Llody Kaufman present "Tromeo and Juliet" 2 1/2 stars

Tom Hanks presents Tales from the Crypt "None but the Lonely Heart" starring Treat Williams   3 stars

USA Up All Night with Rhonda Shear "Screwball Academy" *A director gets to heaven. He's told he'll be making a movie. Michaelangelo will be designing the sets  and Beethoven composing the score.  He asks who his leading lady will be. The angel Gabriel says,  "That's just thething. God has this girlfriend..."*  2 stars

Russ Meyer presents "The Immoral Mr. Teas" *Narrated by Trey Parker of South Park. You'd almost swear it.* 3 stars

"Nightmare in Badham County" *The Rifleman captures women for Mr. Brady's torture plantation. "When you die, they're going to have to beat your mouth to death with a stick."* 3 stars

Jess Franco's "Faceless" *He used to do surgery on girls in the 80s.* 2 1/2 stars

Twin Peaks 'Dispute Between Brothers' *A green butt skunk... ACES.*  3 stars

Jeff Lieberman's "Just Before Dawn" *So picturesque, you'll be seeing double.* 3 stars

Tennessee Williams' "Baby Doll" featuring Eli Wallach *She sho grow'd up*   3 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "Beyond Thunderdome" *Elderly Beyonce exiles Bret Hitman Hart to Never Never Land.* 2 1/2 stars

"Black Roses" *Poetry loving cool teacher tries to save his students from a satanic Winger concert.*  2 stars

Ken Russell and The Who present "Tommy - A Rock Opera" *Reach out and touch faith.*  3 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "Damnation Alley" *The A Team travels across the Cursed Earth.*   2 1/2 stars

"The Sword and the Sorcerer" starring Richard Lynch *Atari Game of Thrones*  3 stars

"The Sentinel" Chris Sarandon is "legion" *Who lynches the Watchmen?*   3 stars

Dial 'N' for Nikki *Crank Yankers* 1 star

Abel Ferrara's "Driller Killer" *Depraved Demo tape. hipsters worse than homeless bums*   2 1/2 stars

"The Nest" *Eccentric seaside town. Blood thirsty pest.* 3 stars

H.P. Lovecraft's "The Unnameable" *Arkham Animal House by the Cemetery* 2 1/2 stars

Tales from the Crypt "The Third Pig" *Bobcat Goldthwait shrills some ryhming skills* 1 1/2 stars

Alex Cox's "Straight to Hell" *featuring some ugly actors and musicians.  A young Courtney Love included. Dirty Old Town*  2 1/2 stars

"Blood Diner" featuring Sheba Jackson *In the tradition of Blood Feast* 3 stars

MST3K presents Ed Wood's "Bride of the Monster" *''One time, I bit into a cold tator tot''*   3 stars with spoofing... maybe a 3 without maybe less

Dr. Who "Robot" starring 4th doctor Tom Baker *Prince Albert (Einstein) in a can.*  3 stars

"Trancers" *The time 1985. The place Los Angeles. My partner's Helen Hunt. I'm Jack Deth.*  3 stars

Are you Afraid of the Dark? "Tale of the Lunar Locusts" *Green Eyed Monster* 2 stars

Elvira presents "Killers from Space" *Hal Jordan (or was it Bruce Banner?) gets all bug eyed about  space invaders and not even the smooth satisfaction of smoking can swerve him.*   1 1/2 stars

X Files "Blood" *I"m afraid of America. I'm afraid of the world. I'm afraid I can't help it.*   3 stars

"Willard" starring Bruce Davison and Ernest Borgnine *"He's an extrovert. He just shows it inside."*     3 stars

The Hitchhiker "The Miracle of Alice Ames" guest starring Joe Pantoliano *Love the sinner, for her priest is her pimp.*   3 stars

"Helter Skelter" Jeremy Davies *Taking seriously hippies taking scripture literally*   2 stars

"Race with the Devil" starring Warren Oates and Peter Fonda *I'm getting too old for this shit... Warren Oates said it before Danny Glover*   3 stars

MST3k "The Final Sacrifice" *Raiders of the Lost Moose Lodge* 2 stars, eh... with spoofing 1 1/2 without

Tales from the Darkside "Ursa Minor"  2 1/2 stars

Brass Eye "Animals" *Grinning like a possum.* 3 stars

H.G. Wells' "Island of Lost Souls" *Are we not men? Or at least beasts in khakis?*  3 stars

Roger Corman and James Cameron present "Galaxy of Terror"   3 stars

Fred Dekker's "Night of the Creeps" starring Tom Atkins *Thrilled Me*  3 stars

"The Northville Cememtery Massacre" *'Rebels with a cause' angst. you'll hate your local community. I sure as hell hate mine.*  3 stars

"Five on the Blackhand Side" *Woe is them who can not swim, Jim... A few laughs but mostly preachy and dull.* 1/2 star

"the amazing mr. no legs" *He was a terrible person/torso.* 2 stars

Joe Bob's Drive In "Bedroom Eyes 2" featuring Wings Hauser and Linda Blair *convuluted covorting* 2 1/2 stars

Terry Zwigoff's "Crumb" *Awkward Vibrations. Voluptous fixations.* 3 stars

Russ Meyer's "Eve and the Handy Man"  2 1/2 stars

William Friedkin's "Killer Joe" *He told me I needed teachin on muh Kung Fu...question: Would you let matthew McConaughey fuck your sister if it meant he'd kill your mother?* 3 stars

brian yuzna's "society" *i wanna share this with all the sanctimonious stepford wives who were always trying to show me how SAW had something to say*  3 stars

''innocent taboo'' starring porche lynn and peter north *john oates' blood, sugar, sex, black magick. a tragedy in so many acts.* 2 stars

''curse of the queerwolf''  *mr. smallbutt never did anything like this before* 2 1/2 stars

tales from the crypt presents fred dekker's "lower berth" 3 stars

usa up all night with rhonda shear 'cemetery high' *softcore nudity. hardcore stupidity.* 1 1/2 stars

linda blair and linnea quigley in "savage streets" *'beat it' / 'love is a battlefield' era troubled youth* 3 stars

alex cox's "repo man" *love & rockets* 3 stars

alex cox's "walker" starring ed harris 3 stars

"ironmaster" 1983 *guns don't kill people (yet) as the Ice Age is just thawing.*  3 stars

mst3 kroger corman's "the undead" *smug man's folly* 2 1/2 stars with spoofing 2 without

the hitchhiker 'the legendary billy b.' starring kirstie alley, andy summers of the police, and brad dourif 2 1/2 stars

monstervision with joe bob briggs "beastmaster 2: through the portal of time" *"once, two fresh princes of tattooine stood before you" - so sayeth the spin doctors*  1 1/2 stars

''long john silver'' 1954 *sometimes them that quotes the bible have less bible in their hearts than those that don't*  2 1/2 stars

commander usa's groovie movies ''the alligator people'' featuring lon chaney jr 2 1/2 stars

"Miami COnnection" *Right there with Troll 2 and The Room*   3 stars

USA Up All Night "Return of the Killer Tomatoes" 2 stars

USA Up All Night with Rhonda Shear "Waitress" 3 stars

USA Up All Night "Virgin High" 2 1/2 stars

"American Babylon" xxx 2 1/2 stars

USA Up All Night "Slammer Girls" 2 1/2 stars

USA Up All Night "Beach Balls" 2 1/2 stars

"Killer Workout" 3 stars

sam peckinpah's "cross of iron" *"the bitch that bore him is back in heat"* 3 stars

Joe D'Amato's "Erotic Nights of the Living Dead" *What does it say when a film with this much wang and poontang is more eerie and unsettling than most current horror attempts?*  3 stars

USA Up All Night with Rhonda Shear "Wild Malibu Weekend" *In the 90s, before internet porn videos, there was a time when hot babes in bikinis on late night cable was all a horny teenage guy needed.* 2 stars

USA Up All Night "Sweet Sugar" 2 1/2 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "My Boyfriend's Back" *ahead of its time horror romantic comedy* 2 1/2 stars

Joe Bob's Drive In "Montenegro" 2 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "It! The Terror from Beyond Space" 3 stars

commander usa's groovie movies "Vampire's Coffin" 1 1/2 stars

MST3k "Escape 2000" not steve railsback movie 2 1/2 stars with spoofing 2 without

"Fast Food" *Jim Varney aka 'Ernest goest to' a lot of trouble to keep what should be a raunchy sex comedy pg 13.* 2 stars

Troma's "Class of Nukem High" 3 stars

"Howling 3: The Marsupials" *Takes a strange trip into Alex Haley's Roots territory.* 2 stars

Troma's "Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead" *They should show this in sex education class. It would stop kids from fornicating and eating fast food.* 3 stars

MST3k "Squirm" *Hicksploiting and skin-crawling.* 3 stars with spoofing 2 1/2 without

MST3k "Angels Revenge" *Cheap Charlie's Angels clone with exploitation movie violent action and an after school special theme of drugs are bad for the youth.* 2 1/2 stars with spoofing 2 without

"The Night Visitor" starring Max von Sydow *meticulously nail biting* 3 stars

MST3k "Time of the Apes" "Oriental Planet of the Apes wannabe with annoying child dubbing and shoestring budget fx and entertainment value.* 1 1/2 stars with spoofing 1/2 star without

"Devil Hunter" *Bug eyed cannibal god craves tender white flesh.* 2 1/2 stars

"Voodo Black Exorcist" *Brendan Fraser's 'The Mummy' set on 'The Love Boat'* 2 stars

"Rocktober Blood" *Ugly piggy faced metal lead singer who can hold a note til it pierces flesh and can hold his victims hostage, on stage, and force them to perform with the power of Satanic Rock.* 2 1/2 stars

"Scary Movie" 1991 starring Saul Star from Deadwood *If the title is read correctly as being in quotes, then the movie is pretty much summed up. The horror isn't the horror of the killer on the loose / haunted house setting, it's the  mind's breaking point producing such terrible results leading to horrific consequences.* 3 stars

"Vice Squad" featuring Wings Hauser *Out on the streets for a living.. black diamond...*  3 stars

"The Outing" *A mallrat 80s teen thinks she's alone now  for a night in the museum with her main squeeze, and her best pals, but her jealous and dangerous ex plus his buddy  along with an evil genie in a bottle tries to rub her the wrong way.*   2 1/2 stars

Ken Russell's "Gothic" *hysterical liberation in the romantic sense.* 3 stars

MSt3k "Werewolf" featuring the Tommy Wisseau trio of actors 2 1/2 stars with spoofing 1 1/2 without

MST3k "Kitten with a Whip" *Moral politicians and sinful youth. Laughable.* 3 stars with spoofing 2 1/2 without

"The Burning Hell" *Religious scare film. Unintentional exploitation classic. 2 1/2 stars

Troma "Redneck Zombies" *The one guy who had to take a swig of whiskey no matter the horror or urgency of the situation... it got me everytime.* 2 1/2 stars

"W.W. and the Dixie Dance Kings" *The great almost unheard of Smoky and the Bandit prequel* 3 stars

MST3k "Hobgoblins" *It's like some producer saw Gremlins and stole a  costume shop's puppets and filmed this over a weekend at a few bland Los Angeles / nothin' happenin' locations.* 2 with spoofing 1 1/2 without

MSt3k "Soultaker" starring Charlie Sheen's uncle *Southern Belle too dainty and flippish for afterlife.* 2 stars with spoofing 1 1/2 without

"Sorrority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl o Rama" featuring Linnea Quigley *Linnea is the likeable bad girl, as usual, and the evil genie puppet has a hilarious voice.* 2 1/2 stars

"Rollerblade The Movie" *Stephen King's 'The Dark Tower' if it were reimagined by the folks at Everything Is Terrible'* 1 1/2 stars

"Tourist Trap" starring Chuck Connors "Surreal Slasher"   3 stars

"Neon Maniacs" *The Village People are sent to hell for their sinful ways and return as Cenobites to stalk spunky and square teens in the land of the Rice a Roni treat.*  2 1/2 stars

"A Coming of Angels" xxx *Charlie's Angels stupid supblot, but it has an S & M sex slave dungeon and a nicely snowy, isolated setting.* 2 1/2 stars

"Pretty Peaches part 2" xxx *Studs with a troubled past who get hired to look after a stable of horses owned by a wealthy, foreign cripple always get to stroke the suffering from lack of a sex life wife.* 2 1/2 stars

"Neon Nights" xxx *Follow the yellow brick road or ride it in a van with swingers.* 3 stars

MST3k "It lives by Night" *It sucks by day or night.* 2 stars with spoofing 1 without

Are you Afraid of the Dark "The Tale of the Dead Man's Float" *There is an existential dread that comes with that coming of age trial of learning to swim.*  3 stars

Commander USA's Groovie Movies "Maiko" *A bitter beachbum loses his grip on humanity / empathy for land lubbers.* 2 1/2 stars

"Dance of the Damned" *If Stefanie Meyer penned an uninentionally funny skinemax flick in 1993* 2 stars

"The Blood on Satan's Claws" *Blaming the devil for a bad seed from an old harvest.* 3 stars

Lucio Fulci's "The Beyond" *Lousianna Fricasseed Corpses* 3 stars

"Randy the Electric Lady" *Ballsdeep Bride of Frankenstein.* 2 1/2 stars

"Stiff Competition" xxx *Dick sucking "comes" with its own reward. No blue ribbon needed, but maybe a blue bib.* 3 stars

"new wave hookers" xxx *Bitches in heat over Flock of Seagulls.* 2 stars

"Surrender in Paradise" xxx *Women are needy castaways.* 2 1/2 stars

Commander USA's Groovie Movies 'The Devil's Gift' 3 stars

"Kingdom of Spiders" starring William Shatner *When Shatner is accepted as the cowboy archetype, hell will spit up its plague upon us.* 3 stars

Oliver Stone's "Seizure" *I feel sorry for Stone if his nightmares include Tattoo from Fantasy Island.* 3 stars

"Mortuary" *Creepy, corpse abusin' Bill Paxton.*   3 stars

MST3k "Deathstalker" *Robin Hood types are always self absorbed asses.* 2 1/2 stars with spoofing. 2 without

Herschell Gordon Lewis' "Blood Feast" hosted by Joe Bob Briggs *This is what should have happened to the lady who brought Edward Scissorhands home.* 2 1/2 stars

MST3k "The Beginning of the End" *Crickets on post-cards photograhed to be earth shattering, mind blowing horror. Now, it would be million dollar CGI, and it would still be terrible.* 2 stars with spoofing. 1 1/2 without

Are you Afraid of the Dark "The Tale of the Badge" *Badge as in evil humanoid badger of some lore.* 2 1/2 stars

WitchFinder General starring Vincent Price *Makes you wonder who was filling Joe McCarthy's pockets with gold coins.* 3 stars

Tobe Hooper's "Spontaneous Combustion" starring Brad Dourif *A far less hokey Truman Show for the atomic era.* 3 stars

"Please Don't Eat My Mother" *Kinky Shop of Horrors"   3 stars

"Wheeler aka Psycho from Texas" *A feast of snakes.* 3 stars

MST3k "the Creeping Terror" *I wish GWAR would get sent back in time to the 50s,  folks would be getting eaten by giant worm costume monsters -left and right.* 2 1/2 stars with spoofing 1 1/2 without

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs "Ghoulies 2" *Pint-sized demonic ghouls just wanna have murderous fun at the carnival. What's so wrong with that?* 2 1/2 stars

Herschell Gordon Lewis' "Suburban Roulette" hosted by Joe Bob Briggs *The sex taboos of the 60s seem so routine today.* 2 stars

"Rock n Roll Nightmare" *Horrible hair metal croons. A plot twist M. Night would love.  And some demonic finger puppets.*  2 stars

"There's Nothing Out There" *Self aware horror movie done right. Usually, I hate when the 4th wall is broken, but when the hero swung from the boom mic, and no mention was made of why or he didn't look into the camera smugly to reference it afterward, I almost stood up and cheered for the clever absurdity.*   3 stars

Tell Them Johnny Wadd is here starring John Holmes 3 stars

"I Drink Your Blood." *Rabies pot pies. Yum.*   3 stars

"Midnight Ride" starring Mark Hammil and Michael Dudikoff *A live action Killing Joke with a Dark Knight in hot pursuit.* 3 stars

"Up the Creek" 1984   3 stars

The Twilight Zone "Dead Run" starring Steve Railsback *Truly frightening because it turns the afterlife into a cold system full of the red tape and soullessness of an earthly existence.*  3 stars

Wonderful World of Disney 'Mr. Boogedy' *I'm sure this pre-dates Beetlejuice, but it's similar, though blandly so and has that generic, hazy 80s suburbia Saturday afternoon tv feel about it.* 2 stars

"razorback" *the outback is hog heaven for any horrific scenario.*   3 stars

mst3k 'parts: the clonus horror' *Yuppie Bob Hope and Bob Dole types wanna make sure they can play 18 holes of golf for eternity at their country club of choice with a fresh new body every 80 years.* 2 1/2 stars with spoofing 1 1/2 without

"Dr. Giggles"  3 stars

"Fertilize the Blaspheming Bombshell" 3 stars

"Flesh Eating Mothers" *It's a Jersey thing. STDs included.*   2 stars

MST3k "Incredibly Strange Creatures..." 2 1/2 stars with spoofing 2 without

You Can't Do That On Television "Nature" 3 stars

mtv's Buzzkill "Sasquatch" 2 stars

black adder 'back and forth' 3 stars

are you afraid of the dark 'the tale of the dangerous soup' 2 1/2 stars

tales from the crypt 'people who live in brass hearses' starring bill paxton and brad dourif 3 stars

tales from the dark side 'a serpent's tooth' 2 stars

the hitchhiker 'part of me' 3 stars

commander usa's groovie movies 'the children' 2 1/2 stars

UsA Saturday Nightmares 'Living Dolls' 3 stars

'The Legend of Sleepy Hollow' Jeff Goldblum and Meg Foster *I can picture Goldblum being lynched if he had lurched around awkwardly in Colonial times, and Meg would have been burned at the stake for those fiery eyes.* 3 stars

Linda Blair and the Unknown Comic in "Night Patrol" *The Unknown Comic is an acquired taste, but the movie is more decent than Police Academy.* 2 1/2 stars

"Hard Rock ZOmbies" *Like Return of the Living Dead starring REO Speedwagon with a sprig of Springtime for Hitler and To Catch A Predator* 2 1/2 stars

monstervision with joe bob briggs "The Devil's Rain" *The heavy metal "sign of the Devil" works just as well on Shatner as the Vulcan death grip.* 2 1/2 stars

Rob Zombie's "The Lords of salem" starring Bruce Davidson, Meg Foster, and Sherri Moon Zombie's ass *Dario Argento with a mullet, a foul mouth,  and a dragon tattooed above his pubic hair.* 2 1/2 stars minus one whole star

mst3k "the legend of boggy creek 2" *Autumn in Arkansas equals SEC football with big, sweaty, hairy men or weekends in the woods with big, sweaty, hairy monsters and hillbillies.* 2 stars with spoofing 1 1/2 without

"the masque of red death" starring vincent price 3 stars

"midnight offerings" *feels like a haunted after school special* 3 stars

Elvira presents "Charlie Boy" 2 1/2 stars

"Carman's Witch Invitation" *Dr. Strange tries to seduce the spoken word evangelical white rapper who was born without any "soul"* 1 star

"Let Me Die A Woman" *Informative exploitation.*   1 star

Are you Afraid of the Dark? "The Tale of the Curious Camera"   2 1/2 stars

"Bloodfreak" *You ain't nothin' but a hounddog, you jive turkey.* 2 1/2 stars

Salute your Shorts "Zeke The Plumber"   3 stars

Are you Afraid of the Dark? "The Tale of the Whispering Walls" 3 stars

John Waters' "Desperate Living" *Tight assed towns or dirty communes?* 3 stars

Tobe Hooper's "Eaten Alive" *Don't cross graveyard shift weirdos. Is that so hard for people to comprehend?... Guard against the crocodiles out on America's lost highways.* 3 stars

Zack Snyder's "Man of Steel" *Superhero mass destruction sponsored by Sears.* 2 1/2 stars

Marvel's "Thor" *So glad that He-Man left ethereal Eternia, so that we could watch him fumble around Smallville staring awestruck at plain Jane Portman.* 2 1/2 stars

Marvel's "The Avengers" *I wish Hulk would smash Robert Downey Jr. like he did Loki.* 2 1/2 stars

monstervision with joe bob briggs don coscarelli's "The Beastmaster" *Dungeon crawlin' and creature callin'* 3 stars

"erotic city" starring amber lynn *Glam and bam* 2 1/2 stars

"Calvaire" aka "The Ordeal" *Tell me have you seen her?* 3 stars

"Night of the Bloody Apes" *Needed some more lucha libre* 2 1/2 stars

Unsolved Mysteries with Robert Stack *Paranoid brutha's harem, Redneck shipwreck, vegetable stand she devil* 3 stars

Russ Meyer's "Beneath the valley of the ultra vixens." *Horny comedy*  3 stars

"Deep Star Six" *The best of claustrophobic disaster movies and b monster movies taken seriously.* 3 stars

"Samurai Reincarnation" starring Sonny Chiba *For fans of Japanse ghosts/demons and grindhouse sword slashing socky.* 3 stars

Batman: The Dark Knight Returns part 1 and 2 3 stars

Dolph Lundgren is "The Punisher" *Pulses like an 80s vigilante action movie should because it's an 80s vigilante movie and not a modern comic book movie.* 3 stars

"The Wolverine" Hugh Jackman *Felt closer to the Frank Miller source material  than it did the typical Marvel stuff like the terrible Wolverine Origins.* 3 stars

"The Terror Within" starring Andrew Stevens *B sci fi ALIEN (Ridley Scott) monster rip off with an isolated, apocalyptic THE THING (Carpenter) setting that really works.*   3 stars

Jackass presents: "Bad Grandpa" *More endearing than Bruno or Borat, but not as biting, yet still tasteless fun.* 3 stars

monstervision with joe bob briggs 2020 texas gladiators *Italian post apocalyptic burnt toast (Texas sized.)* 2 1/2 stars

Zack Snyder's "The Watchmen" director's cut   *Director's cut but where is the S & M memory stuff?* 3 stars

Christopher Reeve is "Superman" a Richard Donner film *Two flaws: Gene Hackman seems like a vaudeville villain and the turning back time happy ending. not saying it should have been 'man of steel' bleak, but maybe the earthquake and Lois dying shouldn't have happened at all.* 2 1/2 stars

American Samurai *Highly enjoyable bloodsport ripoff  with mortal kombat style fatalities* 3 stars

usa up all night with gilbert gotfried "vampires on bikini beach" *garlic breath and icy nipples* 1 1/2 stars

Mortal Kombat: Defenders of the Realm (complete series) *more awkward animation and dialogue than an old filmation cartoon, and this was made in the mid 90s.* 1 1/2 stars

Bruno Mattei's "Zombie Creeping Flesh" *schlock and gore that comments on pandemics effects on 3rd world people* 3 stars