#psi 5

[nokingsonlyfooles]

Yeeting this into the void...

Half vent, half self-expression and the third half is so my few readers followers know what's up with me. But my brain is not a nice place. Tread carefully.

My brain is low-key trying to kill my lately. I don't know how much of this is meds/health issues and how much just stress. My thyroid and estrogen are fighting and that really hurts. I'm doing what I can to mitigate it, but the bottom line is, I don't have anything that works AND is tolerable at an effective dose.

Wednesday, I'm going to the endocrinologist. I have never been to one, despite having hormonal issues my whole life. The only reason I got this referral is my spouse came with me and demanded it on my behalf, and I think my family doctor is borderline senile. I have no idea what that man has told this new doctor who is holding my life in their hands. I've been waiting for this appointment for months. This was the earliest I could get in.

I have issues with at least two hormones and I would hope that the hormone specialist can deal with both, but estrogen - ha ha, that little scamp! - is gendered. I'm so scared that (after I get told to lose weight) I'm gonna hear, "Sorry! We'll have to let the lady doctor who specializes in lady parts deal with your lady hormone, you lady, you."

These two things interact, you see, and I've had trouble absorbing both. I need someone who can deal with that, otherwise I'm going to be playing a three physician game of telephone, where instead of talking to each other, they make ME explain everything - even though they're supposed to have all they need on the computer. It's... I don't have the energy to keep doing that and it's super ineffective.

I don't have anything sexy or cool or simple wrong with me. I didn't even get Agent Orange dumped on me, that happened to my dad and I can't prove it's affecting me. Even though I have never been okay. Ever.

I can't hug people or lean over a table without cringing, 'cos my breast pain goes off at random depending how you hit 'em. Nobody cares. I mean, the love of my life cares, but nobody who is gatekeeping my healthcare cares. It's been this way for years. The gynecologists want me to express my pain in a way that makes sense to them, "hot flashes and night sweats." If it's not that, why would estrogen help? But it does. I've been on more and different versions of it and that helped, and even what I have now is helping. The trouble is, I can't stay on it because of the side effects. The goddamn thyroid hormones help it too! But so far nobody is equipped to do anything with this information. I have to craft a lie like a crow bending a wire into the perfect shape to get a cheeto out of a tube.

I'm in a new place with all new people and I don't know how to operate them. I really don't know how to operate that family doctor, he forgets everything about me as soon as I leave the room. I'm gonna lead with the truth again - unless something goes south real fast - but I don't know what I'll get.

I'm haunted by the suspicion that I'm unfixable. Not just that I need something I'm not getting, but there is no thing. There is no cheeto in the tube. This'll just be my life. Not only will I be sick, but I'll have people treating me like I'm fine, and I'll be expected to act fine. Ha-ha, that's the trouble when you don't look disabled, everyone expects you to act that way too!

Even if I do get better, finally... I'm going to be mad. I am going to be really mad. I rested my shoulder for a week out of desperation - it's been a mess for over a year - and it feels better. It still locks up and hurts if I push it, but I am learning to rest it when it needs a rest. NOBODY told me to rest it, it was always various permutations of working it harder. I am so fucking ANGRY that "a rest" was never on the table for some reason. I had to be in constant pain for going on two years and then come up with a way to help myself. This small level of relief I'm feeling was KEPT from me.

I don't know if even this will last. I don't know if I'm gonna find out typing and drawing is bad for me and I need to limit one of the only things that makes my life worth living.

I've fallen into some very dark holes this last week, and there will be more. Self-harm is always gonna be something that occurs to me, whether to end the pain or just to make my outsides look as screwed up as my insides so I'll be left alone. It is ground into my bones that nobody is going to help me, so that's really all I want when it's very bad, to be left alone. (I've mentioned sometimes I sound like an unholy union of Milo and Mordecai, that's because I am!)

I'm hanging on and trying to be okay. It's just fragile. I keep crashing. It's not that I'm faking being happy, it's that I'm apt to very suddenly not feel that way anymore. Happy is like paint with too much thinner in it. I can layer on a little more, but the base coat keeps leaking through. I'm scared. And I feel so small and dumb and petty to be scared and not wanting to go on when I've been so lucky and have so much. I always find a reason to keep going. I just worry (and I know my spouse does too) that one time I won't.

I need that support system, so I'm going to keep trying to be social too, but it's hard. Web 1.0 is dead and you can't just talk to people on the internet anymore. Best I can do is talk to the internet in general and worry the few people close enough to actually care.

I'm sorry. I'm tryin' to stay safe. It's just precarious right now. This is gonna be a rough week, no matter how it shakes out. I'll end up with new meds, and no idea what they'll do to me.

Respect to Our Emily, but my hope isn't light enough for feathers. It's heavy like lead, that's why I can't always hold on to it.

Nevertheless, I've nothing to do but keep tryin' to get that cheeto out of the tube. Rejoice, rejoice, we have no choice, but to soldier on...

(Well, as long as the shoulder holds up, I can write and art to distract myself. I'm sure I'll get Erik out of that hotel room soon.)

[chrisrin]

Tycoon is here, to steal your heart!

[saikechism]

drawing akechiblings content becuase no one else will💔💔

[bbqhooligan]

every saiki k fan has to watch the live action. you dont get it. they had 5 dollars, 3 bad wigs and a dream. the 2 running manga gags around kento yamazaki ("the fortuneteller told me i will meet kento yamazaki!" "omg the fortuneteller told me i will date kento yamazaki" "does she not know any other celebrities") and kanna hashimoto (saiki draws teruhashi using his soul capture power and it her) were possibly the only payment those two got. they went all out on the absurdity by refusing do a single special effect seriously. some scenes look like playing dolls with pngs. saikis mom actually does an "its morbin time" title call joke. saikis dad seems to possess canonical, semi purposeful, semi instinctual power to speak calamities into existence with sole purpose to annoy and burden his son. teruhashi is MUCH more evil and MUCH MUCH more lovable its insane how endearing the portrayal is. it all looks so dogshit tho. still no clue all these famous actors worked on this fever dream of a movie. watch live action saikik.

[tobisiksi]

random headcannon, Kusuo is Café Mami's owner favorite client

ku comes to Café Mami at the same hour every weekend, often alone but sometimes w his friends (against his will) so he (the manager) always have kusuo's coffee jelly and coffee prepared for him

sometimes when he's in a good mood he even offers free coffee jelly and gives Mera more free time

when this happens, Mera goes with ku and both eat in silence together while the owner sees them from the kitchen like a proud dad (he's single and he got attached to this two, soooo he kinda sees them as his "children")

sometimes when something happens and Mera can't go to work, the owner calls saiki for some help, surprisingly he doesn't mind at all, the shop is really calm and the kitchen it's always clean so kusuo really enjoys being there

also the manager understands that ku isn't the most extroverted guy so he isn't a bother mostly

idk maybe I'm projecting because this guy is so similar to my dad but I really need him and kusuo to have what reigen and mob have, you know? father-son bond, I need to draw them now aaaa

[byfulcrums]

i made this for them (they're more like qpr than anything. to me)

[psihawaii]

whatever. mashup week megamix if the host was awesome.

[degenerateshinji]

OH LOOK ITS ALL THE BEST CHARACTERS IN SAIKI K (someone take screentones away from me)

yeah yeah ill draw saiki, imu & saiko tomorrow, they also deserve to be on this list

[therighthandofvengeance]

Something that’s been on my mind as of late is Bester. Specifically, the fact that if he were to undo the propaganda/brainwashing done by the corps, he’d have Ivanova’s mentality about the organization, minimum.

Bester is fueled by pettiness to the same extent that Ivanova is fueled by vengeance. Some might argue those two words to be synonymous, but by my perception (within the context of their respective characterization), they’re different.

Bester doesn’t see himself as petty— he sees himself as just, as fair, as a kind human who is trying to make the world a better place for the next generation. He’s doing humanity a favor in his brainwashed mind.

Ivanova is vengeful and she knows it. She sees someone who’s wronged her in some way take a low road, and she starts digging a path beneath it. If she sees someone else being wronged, she might be more inclined to boost them up on their path to a higher road, but that doesn’t mean that she’ll somehow refuse to go about it by digging deeper to make a solid foundation for them.

They both lost their non-Corps telephathic parents at the hands of the corps. The difference is that Ivanova knows her mother would have never done such a thing without the “influence” (medication) of the corps, and Bester’s parents chose death over assimilation to the corps.

With Bester, the corps is mother, the corps is father. There is nothing to be mourned because they were simply the people who physically created him. They were never truly there to differentiate between what they believe should’ve been perceived as “right” and “wrong.”

Ivanova, on the other hand, got into heated debates with Andrei. They fought, they argued, they bickered— and based off of what we know about Sofie, there’s very little to suggest that the fight in Susan somehow isn’t (nearly) identical to the fight in Sofie. Nature versus nature, it’s hard to tell. (In my opinion, the exact similarity was both the cause and the effect— Andrei missed Sofie to such an extent that he craved the knowledge that she might be dead, but she wasn’t gone. Provoking his daughter was clear and direct pathway to see Sofie again. Sofie wasn’t alive, but Susan is. Susan’s similarities to her mother ironically nearly killed her father, and it kills Susan herself on a daily basis.)

They both lost their loves at the hands of the corps— perhaps the first (if only) true romantic love they’ll ever experience. They lost these people because their respective loves had come to the conclusion that the corps is a corrupt organization (to say the least). They both lost them by the corps chosen mentality that the homo sapien are not human, but are rather a resource for them to freely exploit in the pursuit of greater strength in the next generation.

This enrages Ivanova. Of course, she values strength, and she does so to such an extent that it can often be to her own detriment. However, she can acknowledge that there are multiple forms of strength, and lots of ways to demonstrate them, too. She’s not going to say that her way is the most right way, but she knows it’s more right than the corps’. She’s (at least learning to start) acknowledging that humanity is a strength and should be treated as such.

This mentality should enrage Bester, but it doesn’t. Instead, he’s disappointed by other people’s line of thought, because his way is the right way— if it weren’t, he wouldn’t have been trusted to enforce the rules of the corps, because he’s that special. He’s that important, and the corps taught him that. Because of the corps, all of his value is based in his telepathy, and therefore his humanity doesn’t matter at all. It would be irrelevant, but he’s a psi-cop. Humanity is a deterrent.

Both Bester and Ivanova have been denied the outward practice of humanity being granted to them, and it shows. The difference is that Ivanova learns to make it from scratch, make it by herself. Bester can’t even fathom how to truly do that. If he did, his fury would be directed towards the corps (and not its enemies).

[alphamecha-mkii]

Psi Corp Mothership by David Gian-Cursio

[eeby-beeby-saiki-k-fan-blog]

something funny me and my friend randomly noticed:

these two share a name

*but that's not all*

they're both referred to as detectives and even fucking WILDER

SAIKI K AKECHI PREDATES PERSONAKECHI BY TEN DAYS.

thank you for coming to my ted talk toodles

[kusuokisser]

good morning to all the terusai fans out there this one goes out to you

teruhashi gets confused by morning alarms. not as in she doesnt understand them, but when she wakes up bright and early to an alarm her brain doesnt process that she isn't dreaming. her 5:45am alarm will go off and she'll, like, hide under the covers and pretend she's on the hunt for a minute because in her brain she's still in whatever dream she was having.

when terusai start dating and they have their first sleepover on a school night saiki becomes the first person on earth to see this from teruhashi and he loves it. its so funny to him to see the worlds most perfect girl wake up to her alarm and mutter some dumb shit like "god...i knew they werent ready..." while peering around suspiciously. he loves even more when she inexplicably starts patting her hands around the bed as though she's searching for something, mostly because you can see the moment when she processes that she's awake and no longer in her dream. it amuses him to no end

[no-psi-nan]

Look at my orb, boy.

[kikyocaps]

[kat]

minvember prompt 2: lie

the psi corps is built on a mountain of lies so it felt like a good subject for this prompt. i dedicate this drawing to lyta alexander 🫡

[ivoryvines]

a pretty sad detail about telepaths is they aren't from anywhere.. they're just from the corp

if you ask ivanova where she's from she would say russia and if you asked sheridan he would say kansas but if you asked talia for example she would just say she's from the corp

ivanova and sheridan both have fond memories of their home countries but all talia has memories of is the corp

the only place telepaths have known is the corp