#putting myself first ever again | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

eyecide · 1 year

Text

Rather unsurprisingly I have not actually been stress vomiting, at All since mr “guilt tripped me into letting him basically cheat on me with other people online, chronically unemployed, lived in literally filth BY CHOICE, checked himself into the psych ward bc I needed space from the constant fighting for a few weeks, treated me like an object constantly and barely even tolerated being around me if we didn’t fuck but somehow was so convinced he was The Good Boyfriend” and I broke up

#I could keep going but that’s all I’m comfortable posting online #I’m not going to pretend like I was an angel in that relationship or never did anything wrong but my god the more time goes on the more #upset with myself I get for putting up with all of that for so long and prioritizing myself so fucking little #I remember at the end of our relationship we were fighting and he said something to me essentially to the effect of #‘why are you prioritizing your feelings’ and I just laughed and was like because someone fucking has to #all the shit I put up with for him and his feelings #like fuck even the shit I put up with for money and keeping my career moving forward I don’t ever wanna hear ANYONE tell me I’m selfish for #putting myself first ever again #how long have I been a second or even third priority to myself for lmao #ANYWAY yeah I’m in a mood tonight may or may not keep ranting later

2 notes · View notes

shalom-iamcominghome · 3 months

Text

The accomplishment of one of the kids in shul: Reading the haftarah completely in hebrew with little hesitation and in a pretty timely manner

My accomplishment (whole adult): Being able to follow along without getting lost (first time I have been able to do this)

Honestly, though, I'm not complaining. My method of acquiring knowledge was to do full immersion in my community, and I've been seeing how much I've been able to learn. In terms of Doing Judaism, I'm younger than these kids at shul 💀💪

#jumblr #jew by choice #jewish conversion #personal thoughts tag #shul shenanigans #if you are in need of feeling like a kid again try full immersion in a different culture / subculture #i feel like a kid all the time now ever since immersing myself in my community #but few of us read the hebrew - frankly they only read in hebrew as a challenge to themselves #that's the trouble with being diasporic huh? but it does feel nice when you actually DO understand what's happening in hebrew and whatnot #i put 110% of my mental energy in following the haftarah this week in hebrew #i really do recommend full immersion with only *some* prep though!#honestly it's made me feel even more a part of my community because they have indirectly taught me so much!#like this week i actually remembered to cover my eyes to say the shema the first go around because i saw them do it #and i was like SHIT UH OH but they won't be able to judge me for not covering if they covered their eyes in the first place so 💪#a very 'what were YOU doing at the devils sacrament 👀' situation lmaoooo

42 notes · View notes

coconut530 · 4 months

Text

youtube

#Sleep Token #Youtube #i don't #i don't cry from music often #and i guess i still haven't considering what this was #but the intro monologue to this performance #made me burst into tears in under 60 seconds just now #first it was slow #just teared up a little bit... i didn't even realize what it was saying.. much less that it was from HIM #and then he said something and it was full on sobbing #I'd go check again to tell you what it was but I just pulled myself back together and I can't like do that again #what the frick...#like vessel doesn't talk during performances ever bc y'know he's possessed by whatever gave him some of the coolest music in existence #so this monologue like touches all the more... he's SPEAKING to US #THANKING US #for listening to the music that he -in this case- put so much of his pain into #he knows we're thankful for them #but he's also thankful for us #and then like as the song goes on he just pounds those keys and screams those lyrics and the vesselette has to go check on him at the end #like frick if that doesn't mess you up... aguuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhh #...#I just wanted to see what a live performance of bloodsport was and apparently I clicked on the worst one bc nowhere else does this play #sleep token thank you

31 notes · View notes

yourgamemasterthewhiterabbit · 21 days

Text

Of my 2% capacity to be attracted to anyone, my type is like 90% women, 5% pretty men and 5% men you would swear are super fucking manly, and never questioned being straight and cis, but are now suddenly *stressed* that they can't figure out why their attraction to me [fully socially interpreted as a woman and labelled that way up until relatively recently] feels incredibly fucking gay

#you are a straight man correct? Yes. Attracted to someone you view as a woman correct? Yes... But you are afraid that makes you gay?#Afraid is a strong word but also stop asking stupid questions #The end result is I tend to date a lot of men who either then realize they are women or bi or gay and I am there when they are taking out #the messiest parts of that on whoever they are with at the time #and on one hand it means I created a space that made them feel safe enough to self examine #but on the other hand I'm their last stop when the fallout hits #OR they just realize they find the expectations put on them for masculinity to be really oppressive even negligent or abusive #I would say I need to adjust my strategy and stop trying to 'woo' men the same way I don't actually -flirt- with women #but I have already solved this problem by refusing to date ever again #The retrospective is funny though #The problem is I am attracted to men in a gay way and to women in a gay way but no one tells you the consequence of that and looking #like a pretty butch is that it really confuses the straight guys #Like why is this guy who's usually hmmm... as dom and masc as you would imagine suddenly in my lap and red and having entire feelings #about the way I am holding his hip? He doesn't knoww either and he's really pressed about it #And that thing messy lesbians do where they act jealous of you and also like they want to fuck you at the same time that looks like a red #flag from hell? Imagine dragging that out of unsuspecting straight guys -menTM-#They don't know why they are acting like that around me either but it's going to go one of two ways #either it will seem overtly threatening and aggressive to everyone involved including themselves or they'll have enough social sense #and tact to be playful about it but still not be sure if they are flirting or whether they like me at all #I have patience for one of those and unfortunately[?] it's the guy who's in my lap looks like he's being tortured and can't find his footin #not the guy telling me how much he's going to beat my ass at some game and I am going to like it or some macho bullshit #And I will be oblivious for the first 50% of it #because if there are gods they are cruel #He never realized he's actually the little spoon be nice and give him a minute #He can't tell me he likes me if he doesn't know he likes me but I opened a jar for him and asked him about his feelings and now he's warm #I actually ended up never dating many women at all because of weird lesbian mixed signals and things #At least not while they were women #I don't flirt or make friends I just decide that people are mine and start taking care of them [while respecting their autonomy and shit]#and I am starting to think this is how I make problems for myself #yes I am playing 5-d chess with gender and am now a he/they but it is not what it is cracked up to be

9 notes · View notes

sskk-manifesto · 2 months

Text

Finally got around to watching ep 11 (´；ω；｀)

#I'm late...#I'm sorry I wasn't able to watch the episode by time last week but again. Food poisoning. And then the new chapter came out #I feel like I had much more to say when I started watching it last week...#Mmmmhh. I really like when bsd animation uses the colored lineart effect for flashbacks / subspaces (Anne's Room‚ Poe's books).#I think it's one of the prettiest and most original things of the bsd animation.#I've always felt like the Natsume reveal was a bit coming out of nowhere lol.#Here's this legendary ability user everyone knows but no one has ever seen with this immensely unthinkable powerful ability...#That the reader literally wasn't ever made aware of in the previous 49 chapters lol #After all that build up‚ his ability even feels a little underwhelming.#Which I suppose was the intended result‚ but I'm not sure it really works all that well in the end.#Then Naomi's words “Come to think of it‚ the things that happen when Mii-chan vanishes [...]‚ disasters are stopped every time”#really feel soooo out of place when so-called Mii-chan was never before mentioned up to this episode (╥﹏╥)#But I'll stop complaining. It's nothing big really #Fukuzawa and Mori's relationship is very homoerotic. Tbh #I looooove the ss/kk I don't even have much to say just watching scenes of them interacting together fills my heart of a warm feeling :')#The animation quality is very poor and the drawings are very undetailed but really I love ss/kk too much to care.#A lot of emphasis is put by the fandom on Atsushi's cruel remark towards Akutagawa in this ch/ep and it *is* cruel but really...#Akutagawa had literally just attacked Atsushi in a death-threatening way‚ futilely and completely unprompted #I can't find it in myself to blame Atsushi if he was irritated and lashed out at him.#And all their other moments are just so cute. What do you mean Akutagawa is deeply interested in understanding Atsushi's motivations.#What do you mean Atsushi can't get Akutagawa out of his mind!!!! They're so cute #So many more cute moments were cut out too rip lawnmower line you'll always be missed rip date line you'll always be missed #I feel like Pushkin's character is another instance of‚‚‚ Wow me and the author's morals really don't align at all #I really don't like the narrative of “weaker people will constantly try to harm and take advantage of strongest ones”#random rambles #Fun fact when I watched this episode for the first time I asked my mother to join me. Because I know a ss/kk scene was coming and I really–#didn't want to watch it alone. Well as it turned out the whole first half of the episode was dedicated to old man fighting–#and she gave up after that 😂😂 But I'm still grateful to her for trying.

7 notes · View notes

msburgundy · 2 months

Text

i really need to just let it go

#i just don't understand my parents at all #they're not even selfish people #it's just like nothing i could ever need warrants helping me if it's an imposition at all #and it's not just me. i highly doubt they've ever helped out my brother either #and the one time they did help my sister it was for something that arguably benefited them too #and it was just kind of a lucky coincidence for her it didn't really put them out at all #but like what the hell why doesn't my health/quality of life matter to them seemingly at all #i often feel guilty for the way i prioritize my close friends over my family but time and time again theyre the ones who come through for m #idk why im making whiny oversharing posts at 2am but whatever #got a reality check today that i apparently needed #i don't know why i can't get this through my head #as if i wasn't literally dying right under their noses and they didn't care then either #that's literally why i left #but being across the country and only seeing them once a year has a way of making you forget i suppose #im mad at myself for expecting anything tbh like it's 100% on me. I've never done it before and there's no reason to start now #i let myself get carried awsy i guess after my mother expressed some sort of concern for the first time in my entire life

19 notes · View notes

songtwo · 7 months

Text

idk i think my bf might be developing a drinking problem and i just don’t know what to do…..

#it’s been going on for a couple of months now but he promised he would stop and he had been doing well until today….#and it’s like. on one hand i never wanted to be w an alcoholic and i told him straight so he promised it would stop #but on the other hand i can’t just abandon him #and it’s like we used to go out a lot and party but like. that was it but ever since he met this guy he just gets lost when he drinks w him #and the thing was he got like aggressive like he didn’t do anything to me and i can’t really explain it but he just wasn’t himself #and like. we talked about it a million times and it’s not like it happens every week #it’s been like 5 times since december #but 3 have been on the past month alone #and two weeks ago it got bad like he almost got into an accident #and like i’m not even physically w him anymore like we really only see each other once a week since i moved #and from the very first time it happened i told him i couldn’t be w him if it kept happening #and after that incident two weeks ago he swore it was the last time but it just happened again #by the way he and that guy get wasted it really is a miracle they get home alive #and like. idk what to do #i really don’t want to be w someone like this #and i hate feeling like this like if i were to think only about myself i don’t want this i hate feeling like this #but i also can’t abandon him #like not even bc i would miss him or whatever i just wouldn’t feel good leaving him alone #but like i don’t want to live like this #maybe i’ll ask for some time to just figure things out #but it’s gonna suck so bad bc we were supposed to see kendrick lamar next week and then we already had plans for his bday and omfg #i don’t wanna leave but i don’t want things to be like this either #and i asked him to stop and gave him multiple chances but idk #i just don’t know what to do #i love him endlessly but i need to put myself first but i can’t abandon him:(#and our 1.5 anniversary was also next week…..#but i think time is the sanest and safest thing right now

8 notes · View notes

softdreamlesssleep · 1 month

Text

God, "I missed you" sex is the best

#eep.txt #as soon as we were alone he kissed me hard and just couldn't get close enough #we went to his room and he immediately attacked my neck i don't think i've ever had so many hickeys at once #he kept grinding for so long against me on his lap 😵‍💫 i was very desperate for more but he just wanted so feel my skin against his #he was sososo cute with his messy hair and the way he kept saying i love you!#i could see myself in the mirror in front of his bed i didn't think i was this fucked out lmao #maybe the first time i moaned this loud and talked this much too #usually i have to keep quiet even though it's hard cuz there's other people but it was so nice having him aaalll to myself #when he finally put his fingers in it felt like heaven i'd been so long #and same he just kept going so deep and so fast my god he said he liked hearing me again #i had to stop him cause i was getting really overstimulated but it was so good #i'm pretty sure it's the first time i've actually like moaned his name without meaning to do it #apparently i didn't realise i was babbling and scratching his back so hard #god i love being a power bottom and calling him cute or my sweet boy and getting him desperate but...#when he goes feral like that after not seeing me for a while? it's the best. i'm so lucky to have such a service top #so happy to be with him again #after we cuddled and we showered and we cooked and then watched videos and then talked and laughed #i'm so happy right now to even see him sleeping next to me :]#sorry i meant to do a sexy post but i guess this is more positive venting i'll make a proper one later #still new to this writing thing i'm probably very bad at it but it's nice to have a place to write down my memories and experiences

3 notes · View notes

talkorsomething · 1 month

Text

I can't sleep again.

#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ #лёва паспрабуе АДК #it's not about that. i'm just tired.#(stayed up too late for the first time in a while)#well... it compounded the issues.#i look like some guy with my blurry vision and yet its not enough and i dont know WHY #i do know why. have you ever not been seen?#flipped the coin from independence within my grasp to nothing is ever going to get me out of here #not even 'getting out of there' got me out #i can't wait for guard season again but i'm worried it's only going to put me right back into the depression mines #... seasonal depression notwithstanding #i need to make a choice at auditions and its whether i will be out; as me - and hopefully have a better season because of it #or just... stay like this. forever.#... my consult is right before second auditions pretty much. schedule that month is looking full..#anyways its not fair of me to expect anyone to check in on me #especially when one of my housemates seems to ... Also be going through it #and i can tell you now which of us is actually likely to talk about it and its NOT me #i'm not built for this idk. i never should have taken her up on that job offer.#...... i'm thinking about relapsing again. more seriously considering it.#i KNOW it's not good i KNOW it won't help but i dont know what fucking else will!!!!#remember when it felt like i was getting hobbies again?? so much for that..#.. i need to pull life into my *own* control but i need help to get there #and i can't even imagine being fully independent #... even if i'm taking all the right steps to get there #the MOST annoying revelation was that i could Maybe Actually benefit from therapy and the second most was that if i tell her this there is #almost no way any therapist she finds will be queer friendly #going to dig myself out of it. as always. mostly just not pushing myself right now but GOD does it suck.

2 notes · View notes

damiemontclair · 9 months

Text

Is it ridiculous to think maybe this whole hospital thing and related business has mildly traumatised me? Is it ridiculous that I want to write about it in excruciating detail, just get the experience out on paper, on my blog, somewhere? It feels dumb but I want to write fic about it. I think it'd fix me.