#quick thinking and problem solving that I dont think I can manage with a cold

[b4kuch1n]

1/ true to luner new year tradition I've caught a cold after finally getting home and being able to unclench my cheeks. minor one probably so its just gonna be very annoying for a while 2/also true to luner new year tradition I've jumped into something new with No preamble so. hopefully I get this one done fast and we have a 12pg scribbly comic on hand 3/ I'm on bluesky now. do not ask abt what Ive been posting on there u will see

[dolphin-enthusiast]

Hey bro, I hope you're doing well🥺💖 if your hcs are open, could you do hcs with bucci gang and a s/o getting catcalled/street harassed (only if this is not a trigger for you obviously)? I am upset 🙂🙂🙂...ANYWAy I love you sOoo much Morgane

This is extremely late my apologies but dw I don’t mind writing for sensitive topics such as this one!!! Behavior like this absolutely enrages me and you have all the rights to be upset because it’s fuckin vile. It goes without saying but tw harassment yadda yadda.

Bruno:

- He’s usually freakishly good at masking his true feelings and overall keeping his calm under pressure, but if he were to actually witness you getting catcalled he’s going to go lowkey sicko mode. His motherly/protective instincts kick in and he’s instantly death glaring the person who dared wrong you like that right on his weary watch. Honestly he’d feel like throwing a fit even if it didn’t happen before his very eyes. No, he’d be EVEN more enraged if you’d just come home one day and tell him that since he wasn’t there to intervene.

- At this point he doesn’t even have to do much, all that it takes is for Bruno to shoot said person a quick murderous glare then tell them to beat it and they’ll instantly fuck off not even 2 seconds later. After they are out of scene, he flips back to his usual calm and polite self (the d u a l i t y of man) as he proceeds to check up on you by asking if that asshole’s words managed to get to you. Hell, this man is going to be comforting you for hours and wouldn’t let go of you unless you were absolutely certain you were feeling at least just a little better.

- No matter your response, Bruno is going to pull you into his arms and firmly let you know that he’ll never let anyone hurt you. As long as he lives and he’s by your side he’s going to fight whoever dares to bother you, you have his absolute word for it. Normally he’d at first try solving the issue through diplomatic means but there’s just something about catcalling that utterly enrages him and makes him lose control for a few seconds, let alone if it’s his partner we’re talking about. Tl;dr: dont fucking make the mistake of wronging his s/o, he’ll fucking end you.

Giorno:

- Just like Bruno, but 3 times more menacing if that’s even possible. If Bruno managed to hold himself back just a bit and didn’t let his anger COMPLETELY consume him in that moment, our dear aries right here is quite the opposite. Sure it’s not like he’s going to throw said person into a death loop of despair (although that’s the first thing that would cross his mind), but in that second Gio wouldn’t really be able to mask his emotions like he usually does.

- If it happened before his eyes, that person is as good as dead. He merely steps in between you two, hooks an arm around your waist and “kindly” asks said person to repeat themselves since he’s not sure whether he heard them correctly or not the first time. At this point the person in question would already be getting lowkey uneasy since Gio’s aura and overall presence would be goddamn menacing, and so they’d be beating it in due time after he throws them a cold glare and tells them to never speak to you in this way ever again.

- Akin to Bruno, he’d revert back to his usual calm self right after that asshole leaves then ever so gently he’d check up on you and tell you that you should ignore their dirty, meaningless words and that he’ll be there to protect you always. That day Gio would try his best at keeping you preoccupied and cheering you up since he wouldn’t want you to think of this experience again. He’d put on an unbothered mask for you but deep down he’d still be fuming at the thought of another person just...insulting someone like that. Not only a random someone, but HIS beloved.

Abbacchio:

- Straight up shoves his fist in front of their face, I ain’t even joking. The second he hears them whistling and saying some dumb dirty shit he’s instantly walking over to them whilst seeing fucking red and asking if they have a problem with HIS partner. As said person would desperately try explaining themselves, Abbacchio would merely scowl then threaten to beat the fuck out of them if they don’t fuck outta here in the next 3 seconds.

- He’d be highkey scary threatening that person like that but would then try calming himself down in order to be able to actually think rationally again and check up on you. By the time he’d walk over you and grab your shoulders whilst asking if you’re alright, poor Abba would still be breathing heavily, his cheeks tinted red from the previous intense anger episode. He’d immediately escort you away from the place where the harassment happened as he’d keep reassuring you that you’re safe now with him here.

- That day Abba would keep replaying that episode inside his head over and over because he simply cannot understand how someone could just speak to a stranger in such a horrible way, and the thought of you getting insulted like that is enough to send him into a fit of anger, let alone if you were actually touched by said person. He’s absolutely ready to square up for you 25/8 and, although he’s not the best with words, he’s going to make sure that you’re feeling better and would keep cuddling and comforting you for as long as you need in an attempt to make you forget about the incident.

Mista:

- Makes a damn scene and rightfully so. He’s already a very touchy guy even in public, so the fact that the person in question clearly saw the both of you together and STILL decided to hit on you absolutely enrages him. Hell, even if you were alone what do they think gives them the right to talk to someone else like that??? Mista cannot wrap his head around it and at this point he doesn’t even try to anymore, he’s full on f u m i n g. He already took on some fuckers that were harassing a poor woman in the past and will gladly do it again for his partner.

- Whether he was there when it happened or not, you bet your ass that Mista is going to go on a rant and insult that person’s entire bloodline, mostly using italian curse words of course. He’d hate himself for not being there to properly protect you if it happened when you were alone, but if we’re talking about him actually WITNESSING that scene then it’s game fucking o v e r. Mista would just go like “O I” then waltz towards that rude ass with his fist clenched and brows tightly knitted together in sheer anger. He’d be screaming his ass off at that person telling them to never get near you again, calling them out on their bs right in front of everyone else on the damn street.

- He wouldn’t be afraid to legit fight them whilst everyone was watching either so you’d most likely have to drag his ass away from there or else he’d end up fucking killing them or something. Mista would need some time to come down from his rage episode but when he does he’s going to be apologizing over and over for his outburst, quite literally crushing you into his arms afterwards and trying not to fucking cry whilst telling you how much he loves you and how he’s going to beat up anyone else that tries wronging you like that again. Expect him to be EVEN more clingy than usual for the next few hours as well since he can get v e r y protective over you.

Fugo:

- As expected, probably the one that erupts the worst. If you thought Mista and Abbacchio threw a scene honey you ain’t seen s h i t. The second he hears that person call out to you in an insulting way he’s violently whipping his head around towards them, his jaw clenched and hands trembling with anger. In that second said person knows they F U C K E D U P because Fugo starts screaming his ass off and calling them all sorts of colorful insults.

- Just like in Mista’s case you’d have to hold him down or else he can and WILL kill them. Fugo has absolutely 0 patience and regard for people that do this also because of personal reasons, so it would almost be ptsd inducing for the poor man. Not only would he be utterly enraged with such behavior directed at a total stranger (who also happened to be his beloved mind you), but it would also remind him of some past experiences he wished he could forget. 

- Afterwards Fugo will be unusually clingy and significantly more open with his feelings, telling you over and over how he’ll stop at nothing to protect you and constantly expressing his love for you through gentle touches and soft words. He’s normally extremely shy when it comes to showing affection, but after this he’d feel an overwhelming need to be there for you and comfort you through your distress, swearing that he’ll protect you no matter what and that you shouldn’t care for such heinous comments coming from an uneducated rude ass.

Narancia:

- At first is flabbergasted and tries to process what that person just said. Did he hear that right?? Are they really serious?? Did they really just dare to mess with Y O U???? That’s it, Narancia is angrily stomping towards the scene, throwing an arm around your shoulders whilst straight up bullying your harasser for their disgusting behavior. Now if said person tries mocking him that would be their last mistake because Narancia can and WILL throw goddamn fists regardless of who’s watching.

- He’ll tell off anyone that bothered you then smother you in hugs and spoil you with anything you wanted in an attempt to cheer you up. He’s also a surprisingly good listener so you can pretty much pour your heart out at him for he will sit through it all then proceed to comfort and hug you plenty. He may be smol but Narancia has no fear of fighting for his close ones, so he’ll let you know that whenever someone else starts bs you should immediately call him.

- He doesn’t like dwelling in the negative feelings and will instruct you on doing the same. Basically, he’ll try getting your mind off of things to the best of his abilities and is going to constantly be encouraging and reassuring you. Narancia is pretty much a walking serotonin machine who will be your emotional support human as well as your “bodyguard” because he really likes to pride himself in protecting and keeping you safe.

[is-that-another-soulmate-au]

Zukka Soulmate AU part 9

@mypureessence

@chaoticidiott

@ari-shipping-stuff

@knightedbot

@idkhowbutimgayer

@swampy-beans

@angrylittleintrovert

Kurt was only out for about 15 minutes but that was long enough for Tarren and Fin to get him to the back on one of the spare cots. The gaang besides Iroh and Jee stayed to see how things went down, all gathered in the room reading maps and planning their trip while Lily paced back and forth muttering to herself before she threw her hands in the air

"Why wouldnt he tell us!?" She shouted

"I dont know Lily" Tarren said while he dabbed a cold towel on Kurt's forhead

"I mean, he could see the scars the three of us share! Why... why wouldnt he say anything!?"

"I'm sure he had a good reason Lily, I mean, how did you guys even know you had a third soulmate?" Katara asked with a small tilt to her head.

The duo both placed their hands to their chests instinctively. "Well, we didn't always know, but one day we both collapsed in the middle of a shift,"

[Flashback when? Flashback now!]

"Of course Miss Jin, Grey with honey and two sugars at 3 pm sharp just like every other Friday" Lily smiled while handing the girl her cup of tea she made for her at the exact same time every single friday evening. Jin was a favorite.

"How are you and Tarren?" Jin asked with a smile which made Lily blush

"Hah. We're doing alr-" suddenly Lily lost her breath from a blunt pain in her chest. "Tarren" she wheeled out just before letting out a yelp and clutching her chest "Tarren!"

"Lily!" Tarren's voice called out from the other sid of the Library followed by the sound of scrolls falling to the ground

The two scrambled to eachother with Jin following Lily and Fin rushing out from the back with paperwork to see what was happening. The pair crashed into eachother and held onto the others arms "what happened?" Lily cried out "whats going on. It burns, oh Gods it burns Tarren"

"I- I dont know" Tarren when to unclip his uniform, shucking off the top shirt before ripping the underdress to reveal painful bubbling skin in the shape of a hand and spreading across his chest and up to his neck down past where he managed to rip down to.

"There's a third" Jin said with a gasp

"Whoever they are theyre in trouble" Fin said bluntly while turning to Jin "Jin do you mind running to get the medic? I have to stay with them and they can't move" he gestured to their shivering crying forms.

"Are they dying?" Lily managed to wheeze out between sobs of pain

"No, this isnt direct, its just an- oh right" he nearly forgot that Lily watched her parents killed in a similar way "Lily, trust me, the third in the trio is not dying, they're being hurt, but they aren't dying"

Lily nodded, the pain lasted for a good 20 minutes before slowly dying down and feeling like it was being treated on all ends.

[Flashback over]

Katara gave a small frown "I wonder what happened to him"

"Ill tell you if you help me sit up" Kurt said with a small cough. Sokka who had been sitting near him but was lost in a map with Zuko looked up

"Oh, the munchkin awakens!"

"The... what?" Kurt laughed out

"Ignore him, he's stupid sometimes" Katara said as she helped Kurt sit up and put a pillow behind his back. "How did you get burned if you dont mind me asking?

Kurt gave a sigh and looked to Sokka and Zuko "well, honestly its probably a similar story to mr princey over there"

Zuko tensed "how do you know who I am... and you don't know how I got this"

"I do" Aang said with his hand raised "well, kinda, I think it was your da- mphf!" Zuko shut Aang up with his hands on his mouth

"Shut up, now is not about me or how I got my scar, its about short stack over there"

"Shortstack!? Okay, now that was just rude. But I got this burn from my dad, he wasn't great and had no position to even justify his abuse against me and my mom." He brought his hand to his necklace with a small frown

"He caught me hanging out by a small pond with an earth boy named Haru and was convinced I was a traitor for doing so. He lectured be when he got me home by slamming me against the door and burning me"

he looked up to Tarren and Lily "I didn't tell you, and I always hid my scar because I'm scared hes going to find me again, after he left for the war my mom fell ill and died, so I ran away to my Pappy and he's sick right now so I don't know how long I have with his protection." He gave a sigh "I dont want him to find me and know that you two are my soulmates because he'll hurt you to get to me. And I cant let you get hurt..."

Lily put her hand on her chest with a frown "I'm sorry Kurt, I had no idea. But now that we know I hope you understand we won't let anyone hurt you or us."

"And that includes me" Fin said from the doorway "you've got two master earthbenders and a vigilante assassin on your side now"

"Woah, woah, vigilante assassin?" Toph piped up "Lily is an assassin!? That's so cool!" She marched right up to her and jabbed her finger in her direction "I dont know you too much but I do know that I like you!"

Lily flushed a bright red and rubbed the back of her neck awkwardly "hah, thanks? Wait are you a beifong?"

"Sure am!"

"I didnt know the beifongs had a daughter, let alone a daughter teaching the avatar earthbending" Lily said with a smile

"Yeah, well they didn't think I was strong enough because I cant read" Toph gave a shrug

"I could teach you sometime" Lily offered

"Im blind missy" Toph said with a cackle

"I know" Lily giggled "We have Braille books, I can teach you to read braille if you want to"

"Braille?"

"Instead of ink on the pages there are raised dots in patterns to make the letters, numbers and words, Fin and his wife managed to invent it ten years ago because Fin's best friend is blind and he wanted to send him letters, but it isn't too popular yet sadly"

Toph stood there for a moment before saying anything "wait... are you telling me there's a way I can read?"

"Yeah! Its more commonly on paper but Tarren and Fin use earthbending to write it out much faster on stone tablets, its much less wasteful. But for nonbenders like myself thats not really an option, so I write with the paper and the pressing tools."

Sokka piped into the conversation with a quick jump to his feet "can you teach me too? I want to know how to write in a way that she can read" he had a determined look on his face and sound in his voice that caught everyone off guard

"I... didnt realize you cared?" Katara said with a confused look

"Of course I care Katara! I probably care too much sometimes, I care about every single one of you," he looked around "did... did you really think I didnt care?"

Aang looked at Katara and then at Sokka "she probably only thought that because you show care differently than her, I know you care, I mean you've managed to keep us all together and solve our problems, youre a uh... solve it kinda care... if thats a type"

Everyone looked at Aang befote Lily gave a small laugh "you sound like Fin, he's really caring for sure but you have to understand him to notice his love language." Lily paused "but teaching you both will take a while, even just teaching Toph here, who I assume has never been taught anything about letters and words on pages. I'm guessing you lot are traveling to stop the war?"

"You bet!" Aang said with a cheeky grin

"Well you could easily travel with them and teach them all, you and Tarren both" Kurt suggested

"Im not going anywhere without you" Lily said whil jabbing a finger towards him and leaning down close to him "I promised to protect you, and I will"

"Then how about you all come with us! We can all learn braille! I mean I'm already teaching Aang waterbending, Toph is teaching Aang earthbending. And hopefully Zuko and Iroh will teach him firebending so a new writing language should be good for all of us!" Katara said with excitement clear in her voice

It only took a bit of convincing to have Kurt join but it took a good 20 minutes worth of convincing Fin to let Tarren and Lily travel around while Fin ran the library with the help of Jin who stepped up to take over the pairs roles in the library.

But before leaving Lily showed Sokka the braille pressing tools so he could get a quick idea of the way they worked before packing up a good amount of paper and tools so she could teach them. On the road. Tarren would help Toph with hers for stone given they're both earthbenders.

Once they started packing up their own belongings Toph walked into Lily's room with a small knock "hey, you almost ready petty steps?"

"Pretty steps? Uh, yeah I just have to find a good place to put this" she moved her hand a bit with a wooden mask facing up

"What is that?"

"Its my assassin mask, its got a white base, think warm wind. Two black marks, think of cold night ponds stretching from the side tips of her nose, above the brow bone and getting much thicker before going up and becoming two horns. The eye holes and the lips are both dark red, think of the warmth of a summer evening sunset."

Toph stood in the doorway "I didnt need the description but that kind of makes colors interesting"

"Really?"

"No"

The two laughed at the bluntness but then Lily shrugged "I guess your right, I didnt need to describe it, but I wanted to anyways" she held the mask for a second before packing it away "it's from my sisters favorite spirit fable. 'Lady of the sunset pond' she had my mama read it to us every night" Lily reached to her necklace and held the roght ash stone.

"Sounds like they hold a special place to you"

"Yeah, they do"

"What happened to them?" Toph asked while leaning against the wall

"We don't have the time to unwrap another story today" Lily gave a small laugh while she set her bag down "besides I need to change before we go, can't leave in a work uniform you know, not really meant for traveling" she moved towards Toph and gave a small bow "thank you for accepting to learn braille from me"

Toph smiled shortly but then punched Lily's arm earning a confused 'ow' to which she responded "thats how I show affection"

"Ah, thats an interesting way to show it" Lily laughed "now I best be getting changed, mind stepping out? I know you see with earthbending, I've seen Tarren train without sight before so I can recognize it"

Toph laughed and stepped out "whatever Pretty steps"

Once everyone was changed and packed they all let on loading up Appa and preparing to fly to the next place. The ragtag group of 4 traumatized kids was suddenly a ragtag group of 8 traumatized kids and 2 wise old men traveling on a flying bison with a small mischievous lemur. What a busy two days huh?

[therealjordan23]

i know u usually dont write in the b99 fandom, but can u do some charles boyle angst?

Sure anon :) Takes place after S7E3, Pimemento

ooo

"Boyle?" a voice asked behind him.

Charles swiveled around in his chair to find Rosa staring at him, her expression concerned and confused.

"Hey, Diaz," Charles commented, not bothering to give her another glance, keeping his gaze focused on the case sitting on his desk.

Rosa frowned: it wasn't unusual for anyone to call her Diaz, but coming from Charles? It made her feel uncomfortable, so she set a hand on his shoulder. She noticed him tense up from the contact, and she immediately guessed something had happened between him and Jake.

"What are you doing?"

He let out a groan. "A case, what else?"

Now she was sure something had happened between Charles and Jake. She gripped his shoulder tightly, and spun him around so that he was facing her. To her surprise, Charles didn't shy away from her intense scrutiny like he, or anyone, usually would. He glared right back at her, giving her a harsh look, but Rosa didn't flinch: she knew he wasn't going home, he spent his free days at work, and his wife and son were getting worried. It was also pretty visible that he wasn't acting like his usual self: he was growing out a heavy stubble, there were bags underneath his eyes, and he usually smelled of alcohol. Rosa noticed that he never wore his usual plain shirt, khakis, tie, and dress shoes anymore, opting for a simple NYPD hoodie and jeans. While it wasn't a bad outfit, she knew it wasn't approved by Captain Holt, along with the fact that it was out of character for Charles.

"Take your hand off my shoulder," he mumbled, his voice cold.

"No," Rosa said curtly. "I know something's up, and I want to know what it is. You're never like this."

He let out a harsh laugh, standing up, ripping his shoulder away from her tight grip. "I think that's the problem! Maybe I should be like this more often." With that, he headed towards the evidence room, slamming the door shut behind him.

Rosa spent the day watching the surveillance footage from the evidence room: Charles sat down at the spare desk, finishing cases with alarming speed. He would grab another one off the shelf, and would solve it so fast, she was positive that even Jake couldn't keep up.

Knowing she wasn't going to get to Boyle, she decided to go talk to Jake.

"Peralta," Rosa frowned, crossing her arms, looming over him. "What's up with Boyle?"

Jake frowned. "How should I know? I haven't seen him all day."

"He's in the evidence room, because he doesn't want to face any of us," she said plainly, and his eyes widened.

"Damn," he groaned. "I knew he would make it a big deal."

"Make what a big deal?" Amy asked, stepping over to them.

Jake sighed. "Rosa, remember when Amy told you we were going to try for a baby? Well, Charles didn't know, until last week, when Pimento came in with his memory loss. I told Adrian, because I assumed he would just forget what I told him. But… he didn't, and ended up telling Charles."

Rosa glared at him. "Jake—"

"I know it was wrong, but Amy didn't want him to know. Charles was really hurt, and he said he couldn't remember why we were even friends," Jake ran his fingers through his brown locks. "He was also angry that I kept blowing him off."

"But I thought you fixed all this." Amy frowned.

Jake sighed. "We did… I don't know what the problem is now! If anything, he's the one blowing me off!" Jake cried dramatically.

Rosa nodded. "I'll go talk to him."

She walked towards the evidence room, and knocked on the door. "Boyle, open ip. It's me. I need an old case file."

Rosa heard him trudge towards the door, and he slowly unlocked it, not bothering to look at her. He walked back to the spare desk that lied in the evidence room, keeping his eyes on the case. Rosa shut the door, locking it behind her.

"Alright. We need to talk."

Charles stared at her in disbelief. "You lied to me just to get in here?"

Rosa rolled her eyes. "Whatever. Tell me what's wrong, Charles. This isn't you."

He smirked. "Well, maybe I'm sick of being myself. Maybe… maybe if I wasn't myself, Amy would have trusted me with the news of her and Jake trying for a baby. Face it, Diaz, I'm just not one of the gang. I'm not you, or Holt, or Amy, or Terry, or Gina! I'm just… on the sidelines, connected to Jake: somebody who doesn't even want to be connected to me." Charles shut the last case he was working on, and let out a small groan.

Before Rosa could reply to the shocking words he had just said, he added, "Can you tell Holt that I'm going to go home? Niko will still be at school, and Genevieve won't be home for another 2 hours. Maybe I can get a quick shower in."

Rosa felt her heart shatter at the sight of the man who knew her best falling apart—she wanted to help, but how could she? These were Boyle's own feelings of not feeling adequate or as "in" as the rest of the group. He felt like a black sheep, and that was understandable. How was she supposed to help? What was she supposed to say? It was usually Charles reassuring the group, Charles holding them together, Charles giving them advice: they had been so busy with their own problems, that they were completely oblivious to Boyle's misery.

They were selfish.

Boyle grabbed his things, and before he could exit, he turned to her. "You know? After my divorce, there were only a few things keeping me from falling apart: my parents, my dogs, and… and this precinct, including the people in it. I care about everyone here more than myself… it just hurts to know that they don't feel the same way."

With that, he left her alone inside the evidence room. She eyed the desk where he had been working, and sat down at the vacant chair.

ooo

There was a gentle tap on her shoulder, followed by another persistent tap.

"Rosa?"

Rosa blinked. Where was she?

"Amy? God… where am I?" she asked, rubbing her eyes.

"The evidence room. You've been in here for almost 2 hours." Amy frowned.

Rosa stretched. "I guess I was just… thinking."

Amy leaned on the desk. "About?"

"Boyle,"  Rosa answered. "And how awful we are to him."

Amy snorted, and opened her mouth to protest. "Rosa—"

"Amy!" Rosa snapped. "He keeps this precinct glued together! He makes sure we're okay, he supports Jake to no end. In fact, his and Jake's friendship is one sided! Have you ever seen Jake supporting Charles, to the extent that Charles supports him?!" she began ranting.

Amy was taken aback. "Rosa, you need to calm down—"

"No!" Rosa snapped. "He took 2 bullets for me! We spent 2 years calling him Mr. Grapes, which I know was a joke, but it must have been hurting him! He… he loves us, but we haven't been great about showing him that we love him back. That's why he's been down! That's why he's been avoiding us, his family, and it's also why he's been staying here, solving more cases than you and Jake solved during your little bet!"

Amy scoffed. "That's impossible… Charles isn't even that smart, he can't—'"

Rosa shoved one of his finished case files into her hands, and she opened it, studying the contents. Amy's eyes widened: his notes were clean and detailed, his writeup went above Holt's expectations…

"He said he was too afraid to 'take anyone's thunder'." Amy managed weakly, the truth of Rosa's words sinking into her.

"Because he puts other people's needs in front of his own," Rosa said quietly and bitterly. "Remember that airplane ride back to Brooklyn? After you gained intel on Figgis? Who was reassuring you?"

"Boyle was."

"Who convinced Jake to carry on with your relationship?" Rosa prompted.

"Boyle did."

Rosa seethed. "Who set up your goddamn wedding?!"

Amy grew annoyed. "Boyle did!"

Rosa chuckled. "And you couldn't trust him with the fact that you and Jake were trying for a baby."

Amy felt tears prick her eyes. "I didn't know it would hurt him that bad!"

"Because we don't care about his emotions!" Rosa cried. "He cares about us, but we don't care about him… what kind of friends are we?"

With that, Rosa left Amy inside the evidence room. She grabbed her motorcycle helmet: if Amy was right about the fact that she had fallen asleep for 2 hours, Boyle should have just been leaving his house, especially if he didn't want to be discovered by his wife and son.

"Detective Diaz!" Holt called, but Rosa ignored him. She ran towards the stairwell, dashing for her motorcycle. She needed to see him. She needed to talk to him.

Amy ran out of the evidence room. "Where did she go?"

Jake frowned. "She left, and took her motorcycle helmet and left. What's wrong?"

Amy grabbed her keys. "I just watched the surveillance footage, before Boyle left the building. He looked really hurt. I think he's in trouble." Before Jake could ask anymore questions, Amy left the precinct, and Jake was quick to follow.

ooo

Rosa pulled up to the Boyle household, inspecting the building: his car was still out, so he had to be here.

"Charles!" Rosa snapped, pounding the door.

When there was no answer, she felt a sinking feeling in her gut, and she didn't hesitate to grab her gun. She found herself shooting the doorknob, and kicking the door down.

She heard soft sobs coming from Nikolaj's bedroom, so she quietly crept her way towards it.

"I'm so sorry, buddy," Charles whimpered, clutching his son's shirt. "I thought I'd be strong enough for this, but I… I can't do this." he sniffled.

Her eyes widened when she spotted a knife near him. When he reached for it, she didn't hesitate to kick the door open. She tackled him, and punched him across the jaw—he didn't get angry like she expected, in fact, he didn't respond at all. He squeezed his eyes shut, allowing his tears to flow freely, and Rosa pulled him into a hug: they stayed like that, with her holding him, running her hands through his hair. He buried his face into her chest, and she felt her jacket become wet with his tears, but she didn't care.

That's how Jake and Amy found them: with Charles clutching onto Rosa for dear life, a knife just a few feet away from them. Jake slowly walked inside the bedroom, dropped onto his knees, and wrapped both Rosa and Charles in a hug, gently resting his chin on top of Boyle's head. Amy was quick to join, wrapping her arms around Boyle's waist, pulling him in close.

No context was needed. 

ooo

I love Charles and Rosa’s friendship.

I know I made Jake and Amy seem like antagonists here, but the sad part is, it isn’t even that far off from their usual behaviour towards Charles. It doesn’t sit right with me when he’s treated like shit, so... guess I just made my own form of justice for him. 

[polar-stars]

✂️ Tori/Suzume (This one was way too perfect), (I couldn’t find the emoji for this one, but it’s the your muse finds mine injured) Hibiki/Akio and ☁️ Nana/Hiroshi

Alright then! I hope I won’t mess up and that you’ll enjoy them ;w;

Tori/Suzume - Our muses discover to have a common enemy/rival…and decide to collaborate

There are many things that are just quite frankly impossible. Like staying alive when falling into a pit of lava, traveling at the speed of light, walk on water or having Tori Isshiki and Ichiro Eizan in the same room and somehow maintaining peace. 

All it took was them merely having eye contact and already they were at each other’s throats. To some amusing, to some tiring but certainly not in anyway peaceful. 

“Your presence sickens me!”

“Great to know that we’re on equal terms!”

“Just go to hell, Isshiki!” With that her number one enemy stormed out of the room, while she huffed in annoyance and sat down. How could one human being just consist out of so many irritating traits? No word came even close to describe the immense hatred Tori held for her fellow Elite Ten member.

While already planning her insults for their next banter which could pretty much happen any time if she was being honest, suddenly a girl was sitting next to her. She had long, wild blonde her, purple eyes, a red fan in her hands and a friendly grin on her lips. “Heya!” She said, 

With a little bit of surprise in her eyes, Tori turned to the girl and pulled up an eyebrow. “Uhm…Good Day?” The girl immediately held out her hand and laughed. “Hojo Suzume! Sorry, for just sitting next to you out of the sudden. If you want to be alone, I will leave. However…” Her laughter faded but she was still smiling. “I just couldn’t help it as I saw that we seem to have a similar problem.” She leaned a little bit towards Tori, like she was exchanging top-secret information. “An Eizan-problem.” 

Still a little unsure what to think about this girl, Tori still decided to shake the hand and introduce herself. “Nice to meet you, Hojo-san. My name is Isshiki Tori.” She then tilted her head a little. “And I would appreciate it if you would be a little more precise.” 

Suzume chuckled at this before announcing. “Watch this.”

She turned her head away and chirped in a lot more louder voice. “Oooh, Four-Eyeees~” 

On the other side of the room a person that was, much to her displeasure, familiar to Tori looked up from his mobile phone, eyes glaring and face dived in shadows. “Fuck off.” Was the mere response that Suzume got.

Suzume began to laugh again. “Right back at you, Eizan! Just wanted to ask how your day was so far? Been nauseating as always? Or did it finally dawn to you that you’re literally everything wrong with the world?” 

Once again Shigeo Eizan looked up. Now even more annoyed. “Hojo, why don’t you just do us all a favor and just die already?” 

Suzume turned back to Tori. “Isn’t he just charming?” 

Tori’s face had took on another annoyed expression when she had listened to this conversation. It must be the surname, nothing good could come out of it.

She sighed and adjusted her glasses. “I see what you mean.” Her voice became sharp and hard. “Except for Eizan Kei, all Eizans are terrible.” Energetically Suzume nodded and exclaimed: “You took the words right off my mouth! Except for poor little Kei who has to deal with two of them daily, they’re all just so awful!” 

Tori couldn’t help but to nod as well, just not as energetic as Suzume did. Before she frowned a little. Suzume seemed like a rather loud person and had the moment Tori admittedly had enough loud people in her life. However, this girl was also one who could truly understand her hatred for Ichiro like not many could. “I guess, you really are correct on us forming a sort off…..alliance in this matter.”

Suzume’s grin grew a little bit. “Tori-chan, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.“

“Alliance.”

“Of course.” 

-

Hibiki/Akio - Your muse finds mine injured

An unfortunate placed rock on the road had caused Hibiki Hayama to trip and fall on his way home. Now he sat there all alone, his leg dripping a little bit of plot and hurting like what not. 

All he needed was a medical kit. That would solve everything. However, it was hard to get something like this in the middle of nowhere. 

He was just trying to stand up so he could walk home himself as he suddenly heard a concerned, familiar voice. “Hibiki-san!” And just mere seconds after is technical brother Akio Hayama was beside them, looking at him worriedly. “How…How did this happen?”

Hibiki only smiled, hoping that this would calm Akio down a little. “I tripped over a rock.” 

The concern did not leave Akio’s face yet and he inquired. “Can…Can you walk? Ohh, if only Kaori was here. She is much more experienced in medical matters than I am.” 

“It’s��.It’s admittedly a little hard to walk yet, but I’ll manage.” Hibiki answered. “And it’s fine. I could deal with this myself, if only I had a medical kit.”

At this Akio’s eyes grew and he responded. “I…I have one!” Hibiki blinked. “You do?”

Akio gave a nod and reached for his bag which he had thrown away when running towards the injured Hibiki. “I always carry one alongside with me in case something should happen to Hiraku-sama!” 

He began searching his bag and truthfully to his words he pulled out a little medical kit which he immediately gave into Hibiki’s hands, who gave him a sweet smile. “Thank you, that’s a great help.”

Within just a few minutes, Hibiki had taken care of the wound. 

Akio assisted him standing up and supported him throughout the whole walk.

“I’ll cook something for you at home.”

“Oh, you don’t have to! I’m sure you’re busy.” 

“No, I insist!” 

“Alright, alright, but then at least let me brew some tea.” 

-

Nana/Hiroshi - Our muses find shelter from the weather…in the same place

Of course the weather app had said nothing about rain today. Well, at least her flowers in the garden would get some water. 

Quickly Nana searched her surroundings and finally spotted as little temple near her. She began to run, so she could escape the raindrops as quick as possible. 

And in just a few seconds, she had reached the little temple. 

On the other side of the temple, a young boy with the same hair color as Nana had the same idea and so it happened that the two teens arrived simultaneously from two different directions, both dripping wet and both staring at each other with round, surprised eyes before calling out.

“Nana-chan!” “Hiroshi-kun!”

After that a small little silence of the two just looking at each other emerged. Nana broke it. “Hello then! I guess we had the same idea.” She smiled warmly. “It’s nice to know that I don’t have to be alone waiting for the sun to show up again.”

Hiroshi shyly raised his hand and answered. “H…Hello and yes, I guess you could say so.” He then returned her smile, a little bit more unsurely and said. “I always like spending time with you, Nana-chan.” 

“Same here.” Nana responded. She then sat down on the cold stone floor of the temple and suggested. “So why don’t we talk a little? Maybe about..” Their favorite topic. “..The Polar Star Garden in each of our universes.” 

Hiroshi still fumbled with his fingers a little but sat down as well. “That’s a nice suggestion, Nana-chan.” 

And so the two managed to talk the rain away with not only conversations about vegetables but also various other things.

[robertisbisexual]

horita prompt: will gets his memory, paul gets scared, will chooses him anyway

It’s on a otherwise boring Tuesday that Paul’s world falls apart. He probably should have known better than to be hopeful - even if the last couple months had been some of the best of his life - and he certainly knows he shouldn’t have let himself go and fall in love again. He most definitely knew he shouldn’t have fallen in love with Will Horton but Paul tended to lead with his heart and not his head and so it happened anyways.

But even knowing all of that none of it makes hearing Adrienne excitedly telling Justin how wonderful it is that Will’s got his memory back any easier and it certainly doesn’t make the view through the window of Sonny and Will kissing hurt less. But Paul’s already begged someone to love him once and he doesn’t think he can do it a second time. So he leaves the roses, gas station bought and a running joke between them, on a table in the square. Maybe someone else will find a use for them, he doesn’t seem to need them anymore.

It’s an pretty uneventful walk back to their - well his apartment. They’d unofficially officially moved into Paul’s room a month or so back but he didn’t imagine that would be a thing anymore. He’s grateful he doesn’t run into anyone though, he’s not really sure he could have handle the conversation this soon.

Stepping into the room though he’s knocked off balance at just how much it actually hurts to see the vivid reminders that he’s lost everything again, that Salem has taken another thing from him.

He thinks maybe he should leave it.

He packs together a quick overnight bag, figures he’ll stay in his car. Maybe rummage through the case files back at work see if he can find something or someone to stakeout, anything to keep him out of the building. He knows himself well enough to know he won’t be able to handle Will’s big sad eyes as he attempts to explain why they can’t be.

A small part of Paul had at least hoped when this day came that Will would dump him first but .. well perhaps he was naive to think they wouldn’t hurt him this way. It’s not as if Sonny had really give a shit about his feelings for the last six months anyways. At the door he pauses to look back at the orchid, still pride of place on his bedside table, and feels something crack opening inside his chest. It’s cold and it’s miserable and it’s almost funny to Paul - in a perverse way - but he thinks this might hurt more than when Sonny dumped him to go find apparently not actually dead Will.

Maybe this is his punishment for keeping Will to himself for those two weeks after he found him.

Maybe Salem just hates him.

The problem with a place like Salem is that no matter where he goes, he can’t seem to find a private or quiet moment. Everyone’s heard the great news and wants to celebrate.

And it is great news. Will being happy? Will remembering his family? It’s fantastic news. All he wants is for Will to feel loved, happy, and safe. It would just be nice if someone could be bothered to remember that Paul’s entire world just got shattered again. He’s not surprised by any means that they don’t but it would have still been nice.

Abby and Chad are the first people he runs into or more accurately run into him. He’d been carrying a beer back to a corner table in the pub onto to collide with Chad halfway there. They’re full of laughter and excitement, apologetic for the mess. He tries to wave it off. Tries to just keep going to his spot but their joy for their friends storybook ending outweighs their ability to see he’s hurting.

Chad even offers to buy him a drink in celebration and Paul figures it’s the look of absolute disbelief on his face that finally clues them both in.

“Paul - we’re sorry..”

It’s Abby who breaks the awkward tension and Paul feels whatever cracked open in his chest earlier twist inside him, eroding away and all the parts of Paul that would usually just accept this. It turns ugly.

“No, I imagine you’re actually probably not.”

He doesn’t bother to wait, just sets his empty glass on the table and weaves his way between tables and to the front door. He can heard Chad say something behind him but he doesn’t pay it any attention.

He tries the club next and in hindsight that’s a rookie mistake on his part. Lucas had been there gushing to Chloe about finally having his son back. That things can finally go back to how they’re supposed to be. It’s yet another reminder that Paul’s the anomaly. The interloper that ruined the epic romance that is Sonny and Will.

It takes them a few moments to realize they have a customer at the counter and Paul’s almost impressed at how little Lucas seems bothered that it’s Paul. Found his son and his girlfriend and he can’t even look sorry for Paul.

That thing inside Paul rears its head again. “You’ve had your son back for months.”

“l -”

He shrugs off whatever Lucas was about to say and gives up on finding somewhere in this hellhole of a town to drink.

He’s queued in line, wanting a coffee to take with him on the stakeout.

“Now they can finally be happy again. They can put all the bad behind them and look forward to the future, they deserve this more than anyone after everything they’ve been through.” Hope’s voice, she’s standing at the counter with Rafe and Ciara.

Her comments are met by a murmur of agreement and Paul manages to slip back out of the cafe without being seen.

It’s hours later when he finally finds himself back in front of the flower shop eyes tracing the closed sign on the front door. He’d been a dozen places today and it all ended the same way. Everyone celebrating for the happy couple and no one sparing even a single second of their time to him. He’d long since stopped interjecting though, what was the point?

“Son?”

He closes his eyes against the voice, and against the building that had meant more to him than he realized, before sighing and eventually turning around to face Marlena and his father.

“Are you alright?” John says gently.

“What.” its flat, less a question and more a statement of disbelief.

“You look upset” Marlena explains. Her smile tinged with sadness and Paul figures a bit of pity.

The hurt and the anger that had been trying to claw its way free all day is rattling around again and this time Paul doesn’t fight against it.

"You dont say.”

“Pa-”

“No.” Its louder than he meant, cutting his dad off. His pain breaking out in that one word. His shout draws the attention of other people in the square. Jennifer and Eric by the pub entrance. Hope and Ciara holding coffees and chatting. Gabi and Ari further back on the bench. They’re all looking at him now and he finds he doesn’t care. He’s tired of all of it.

“I don’t want anyone’s pity and I don’t want your fake sympathy. Everyone gets what they want right? What they’ve wanted for months now? So don’t - don’t offer words you don’t mean”  

He trails off, drags a hand through his hair, and takes a step back from his family, needing the space like some sort of barrier against everything. His unhappiness on display for everyone to see.

“You’re meant to be my stepmom and you’ve never cared about my feelings over Sonny’s in this once. You’ve never cared about my feelings at all.” He turns his attention to the rest of them, his gaze flitting across from one to the next. “None of you did. Not even now. All anyone could talk about was the return of the epic love story and you couldn’t be bothered to shut up about even when I was in the room… if you even bothered to notice me at all. Because I don’t belong here so I? I’ll never truly be a part of this town and frankly? I don’t want to be anymore.”

He turned his gaze away and found himself looking at the flower shop again and felt his heart fracture again. It was nice, while it lasted, to have someone care back.

“Paul.”

He flinches at his name this time because it’s not Marlena and it’s not his father. In fact it’s not any of the people who stood and watched him start to lose it. This is worse because this time it’s Will.

He spares a glance and feels whatever small sliver of hope he had left wither at the sight of Sonny over Will’s shoulder. So he turns his attention back to his dad even as he starts walking backwards “I took a case from the pile. “

“Paul wait.”

“I’ll be back in a few days.”

He’s nearly to edge of the square, if he can make the park he can literally sprint away from his troubles.

So he does exactly that.

He’s gone for eight days. He’d solved the case in two, sent his dad the information, and then stayed gone. Will had called one a day, every day he was gone. Paul had ignored every call and deleted every voicemail without listening to it. He didn’t want apologies. He didn’t want explanations. He just wanted to forget everything about it. He’d known better, he had, and that was the worst part. No one was more to blame for the current situation that Paul himself.

He’d known anything to do with Will would have the potential for heartbreak. That it was messy and a stupid idea and he’d done it anyways. But there had just been something about Will so he’d let it happen.  Running away in front of everyone like that had been melodramatic, especially when they’d never even said I love you, but facing it all head on has been too big a task in the moment.

So he’d been gone for eight days and come to the decision that he couldn’t stay in Salem anymore. Which was why he’d quietly come back to the town and quickly packed up the most important stuff he had into a suitcase and was making his way back across the square hoping no one would stop him. He almost made it too when the door to New Beginnings flew open and his name was shouted across the Square.

“Paul Narita if you take one more step so help me god.”

Pursing his lips he took a calming breath before turning around to look across the square at a visibly angry Will standing in the shops doorway.

“You disappear for eight days and then skulk back in and out of town? Ignore my calls? I don’t get the decency of a response?”

Will seemed to be offended and Paul wasn’t sure if the urge to laugh was general amusement of the edges of hysteria.

“We don’t have anything to talk about.”

“Liar.” Will snapped.

Paul could feel eyes on him. Knew they were causing a scene. So be it then.

“You kissed him.”

“So that’s it. You just give up? Superhero Paul rolls over and plays dead?”

Paul was almost always calm. Almost always controlled and the few times he wasn’t it wasn’t any big display of temper. It was a quiet fury he would exude on most days but not this time. This time it was loud and showy and he didn’t give a damn.

“Give up? Give up!? Why is it always up to me? Why do I always have to beg someone to pick me?” He slammed his suitcase to the ground and pointed a finger across the square at Will. “You can fuck off Will Horton. You made me trust you. You made me care about you and then you didn’t even have the decency to dump me before kissing him"

Will was already stalking across the square before Paul had even finished speaking only to pull up short at Paul’s accusation.

“I didn’t kiss him.”

“I saw it.” Paul shouted, his voice cracking slightly. “I stood there and I watched it happen through the window while listening to people gush about you two. I’m not going to beg for your affection. I’m tired of fighting for people who don’t want me.”

Paul hardened himself against the sadness Will practically radiated, the other man had made his choice. Snatching up his suitcase again he turned and started to storm off.

“I love you, you stubborn stupid idiot.”

It froze him in his tracks. He could hear the murmur of voice around his as the people watching them reacted to Will’s shouted confusion.

“He kissed me. He showed up so excited because he’d heard I remembered everything and I had but I’d been looking for you at the store and before I could explain that he’d kissed me. I told him no and we argued and I just wanted to find you but I couldn’t.  I tried your room and the office and then I finally found you here and you just… left. Without a word.”

Paul turned back slowly, eyes wide, and a face of confusion.

“I tried calling you, I wanted to explain.”

“You told him no?”

The incredulous look on Will’s face was almost funny. “That’s your only take away? That’s all you have to say? You’re an asshole,you know that?”

“You really picked me?” For the first time in eight days Paul smiled. A smile so big and so pure it lit his whole face up. “You love me?”

Will’s irritation with him melted away instantly and he took a hesitant step towards Paul only for Paul to close the gap between them and wrap his arms tightly around Will’s waist. Will’s arms went around Paul’s neck as Paul buried his face in the crook of Will’s.

“I’m sorry I’m an asshole.”

"It’s okay, we all have bad days.”

Paul laughed happily before pulling back slightly so he could brush a light kiss across Will’s lips.  “I’m sorry I didn’t let you explain.”

“I’m sorry you thought I didn’t want you.” Will leaned in and Paul took the hint kissing him him again, this time with more force.

Paul let himself be pulled back towards the flower shop unable to stop smiling as warmth chased away all the hurt he’d had for the past week. “Will.”

“Yeah?” he glanced back over his shoulder

“I love you.”

Will’s answering smile is beautiful.

[unclemoriarty]

You got stung by a stingray? Please do elaborate.

DID I??? my foot still hurts man it was the worst thing ever

okay lemme set the scene:

lovely little beach, children playing in the shallows a couple yards away, lots of moss-like seaweed hugging the ground underwater, little shells and rocks peeking out from the grains of glittering sand (no lie like it looked like it was infused with glitter)

im knee deep in the clear, borderline-cold water, right on the edge of where the seaweed thickens into a mini forest. i spot a shell. i unearth it with my foot. i pick it up. i turn to the shore to show my family. i step forward.

WHAM.

it happened so quick but i distinctly remember feeling something under and on top of my foot and then a sudden, sharp pain. i thought i had been bitten, and my foot had been in the thing’s mouth or something.

i yelled and began hop-tripping towards shore. by the time i collapsed on the wet sand, my family had gathered around me and my foot was cramping horribly. like, i’ve never felt a cramp like that before. probably because the cramping came from the venom from the evil pancake’s stinger :)) blood was streaming down the wound on the dorsal side of my foot and i nearly fainted at the sight bc my body is like that and i can handle seeing other ppl’s blood but not my own for some reason

i did not faint but i was in so much pain that my dad had to carry me (rip him) to the public restroom where the manager of the nearby country club met us w a plastic bag containing chemicals that would heat up water instantly to help my foot. apparently hot water breaks down the proteins from stingray venom, so jot that down for future reference if you ever plan on going to the beach.

after that it was a good hour or so of me trying not to cry my guts out in front of my family + the manager dude, all the while rocking back and forth, trying to ignore the most physical pain i have ever felt in my life :) my family, bless them, tried to distract me by talking about stuff i like, but even that wasnt enough to get my mind off the pain. funnily enough, it was my demand that they give me mental math problems to solve that helped a bit. i dont even like math??? like i actively try to avoid it like a bad ex?? math and i have had some...difficult times in the past but for some reason trying to figure out 55.5 x 347 helped me feel better than thinking about my favorite band//?? idk tbh brains are weird

after the pain went down a lil we ended up driving to where we were staying (my poor family hadnt even had time to enjoy the beach) and i had to spend the rest of the vacation in a wheelchair that i couldnt even wheel by myself. my little brother had way too much fun almost wheeling me into people, and one time my family all got up from the restaurant table to leave, forgetting i needed someone to push me. my mom started laughing when she saw me sitting alone, the heartless woman. my equally lovely sisters also told me that i looked like a grandma with my bonnet-like sunhat and my short hair and my grey, flowy outfit. real family love ahaha

when we finally got back home i went to the doctor and he told me i might need surgery if any remnants of the stinger remained in my foot :) so that thought was great. three xrays, an MRI, and a couple of days later (today) he said that i won’t need surgery but there’s still a chance i could get a p bad infection bc sea water has a lot of microbes so yay let’s see if my foot falls off soon

in short, all because of an evil little sea pancake, my foot was stabbed, my vacation was ruined, my stress levels were raised in anticipation of a surgery, and my other leg started hurting because of hopping around on it after we returned the rental wheelchair at our vacation spot.

once my foot heals, it’s over for you, evil pancake.

i’m coming back for a rematch, and this time, i won’t let you win so easily.

[sleeplesssecrets]

oh my god i don’t even know how to start writing any more i am so unbelievably out of practice. im going to try to be loose like i know i used to be when i wrote on here originally. i had a haircut yesterday, i spent all day at the salon in the store i used to work at. my old manager asked me when im going to be coming back and i would like to i think. i like having a full time job and i like being paid for my full time job and i like buying things with my money on a whim and being able to pay off credit cards and buying things for my daughter and buying things i never could buy for her as a baby but can now buy for my son. my son. my baby boy that i gave literal birth to. wild. i hold him and he’s my baby and he’s a boy. it’s so weird and great. before i went back to work after having him i spent collective hours crying over not wanting to work ever at all. holding him is everything, clothing him and feeding him is everything, cleaning up for him and folding laundry for him is everything. my daughter is my everything too i hope that goes without saying. i feel like i have to say it with him, that hes my everything, because it doesn’t feel as obvious. im clocked in forty hours a week now, forty little hours with long generous breaks to nurse him throughout the day at my work from home job where i wear pajamas and no bra and make a living wage, answering phones to people with real problems i get to help them solve or understand. i like my job technically, i like it a lot, i feel important and helpful. i dont get up early and get ready or even dressed and have to go out in the cold to an office. i am very lucky to be a mom of a two month old whose desk and bassinet are in the same room. but i dont want to clock in. i do not want to. i want to cuddle my baby boy, only cuddle him. i want to wash him in the tub and put lotion on him. i want to play with him and teach him how to reach and grab toys. i have been experiencing this thing where when my milk lets down, it causes a drop in dopamine and it makes me feel actually depressed for about a minute while im feeding him or while he’s napping and my milk comes down randomly. i had no idea what depression was before. and i still dont because the feeling is very fleeting. i had no idea you could feel depressed. like feel it physically. i feel it in my hands. i feel it in my eyes. i feel it in my gut. it doesnt wash over me like anti depressant commercials portray, it is me. when i experienced it and noticed it for the first time it absolutely threw me. i am not exaggerating when i say it stopped me in my tracks. i stopped walking and i had to stare off and everything was not ok. not a single thing felt right. i was grabbing something for my husband and it didnt feel right. i was walking to the other side of the room and it didnt feel right. the time of day didn’t feel right. when it happens, whatever im thinking about will be suddenly very very sad. and im usually thinking about anything at all lmao. if you dont know, milk let down reflex happens at specific times in between feedings if you’ve started to feed your baby at regular intervals, but it can also happen when you think about your baby or hear a baby. so sometimes im thinking about him, my baby boy, and my milk will let down, and then i get depressed about thinking about him. and it hits so much harder than anything ive ever been hit with in my life. it knocks the wind out of me worse than falling down wooden stairs. it stings worse than having a door shut on my fingers. i am aware of it, so i know its happening when it happens, which does help. i can swipe the thoughts away if im quick enough to notice. but the worst has been when ive been feeling depressed like this when my milk didnt let down. when im literally just sad and irritable and dont want to be looked at. i feel like i can feel people thinking about me and it bothers me when im feeling this way. i want to be left alone and i only ever see a handful of people any more. i was holding him today and feeling this way and i cried on his clothes. he recognizes faces and will smile when you smile at him. today he saw me crying over him and he frowned a little. i apologized and and cuddled him and we smiled together. i put him over my shoulder and i started crying again. it hurts so much, it hurts so so much, its the worst feeling i have ever felt. i had no idea what depression was like at all. and if this is only a little fleeting feeling i get every now and again and it is this crushing, i can not imagine what people who have depression more often must feel like. when i think back on how my mom spent all day in bed when she wasnt working, i can kind of understand it now. i used to hate that she would wake up, work, and sleep again. she used to do all sorts of things, like read, play card games online, highlight her bible, print recipes and organize them in a binder. then slowly she stopped doing those things and worked and slept. she would work occasionally from home, transcribing her boss’s voice-recorded notes into word documents. it took her a couple hours every night to do and i thought it was so cool she got paid for working at home at a computer, i used to think it would be so fun and cute and easy. i didnt know why she was so quick to snap, why she wouldnt want to cook dinner, why she didn’t change out of her clothes before bed. i now sort of kind of get it. i literally dont ever cry. my mom will tell you that she knows im hurting if im crying. i might cry emotionally a few times a year, and i will cry if im in a lot of physical pain. now i cry most days out of the week. it does not get easier. every morning after i feed him and put him down for a nap before clocking in, it’s no easier than the day before. its the worst good bye every time. the first day back to work was rough, i cried as i placed him in his newborn boppy and tucked a blanket around him. my husband gave me a wholesome ‘we got this babe’. when he asked me how my day was after clocking out, i was not lying when i said it was the worst ever. i know i pretty much have the dream job as a working mom. i knoooooow. but i hate it.