#reasons is that lead characters are usually portrayed as teenagers or really young people

[fuckyeahchinesefashion]

chinese guzhuang fashion

[a-soulofme]

~ reveal your watch & rewatch drama list ~

tagged by the wonderful @athousandbyeol!! thanks for the tag, i was so excited to see this in my mentions! sorry that this is so long LOL

currently watching:

kinnporsche: i was late to the hype surrounding this show prior to it airing (i didn't even hear about it until that new trailer dropped), but man am i so glad i heard about it. i love the dark, mature vibes as well as the chemistry between not only the main leads, but all the other characters. the cinematography, the acting, the pacing! all of it is so good to me. plus the mafia setting? i love a good crime drama, and this combined with the romance makes it a win for me.

rugal: i actually primarily watch detective/thriller dramas, which isn't entirely obvious if you look at my blog 😂 i'm only on ep 4, but i actually am really enjoying this one. at first i was a little skeptical of the sci-fi elements, and i'll admit the fight scenes aren't as well-done as i've seen in other works. however, i am interested in the characters and their emotions, and i can feel myself rooting for kang gi-beom (i also loved choi jin-hyuk in tunnel, so that's probably another reason). overall it's too soon for me to say my overall thoughts on the drama, but i'm enjoying what i've seen so far!

rewatching:

i don't usually revisit dramas unless they really had an impact on me, and i can say off the top off my head that only two have done so.

i told sunset about you: this one. god, where do i even begin? it's raw and painful but also so, so genuine. there's an authenticity to it that makes the viewer feel so utterly connected to the characters. the characters didn't always make perfect decisions, which i never wanted them to do. they're portrayed as being young and filled with all these emotions and desires that weren't always quite clear to themselves. i remember also being a teenager with a similar experience and it just felt so realistic. simply put, it doesn't feel like a drama. it feels more like i'm witness to two people's lives and how they intertwine, and there's something so delicately beautiful about it. i could go on and on about it, but this is hands down my favorite thai drama, and probably even my favorite bl.

stranger: like i mentioned before, i watch mostly crime/detective dramas. i've seen a lot. so much that sometimes i'll remember a scene and can't remember which show it belongs to, and then realize that a similar plotline has been used in about 5 different dramas i've seen. that being said, this drama is so well done. it sticks out in my mind because of how much i love it. from the very first episode, i was hooked. the chemistry between si-mok and yeo-jin as they work together to unravel the case is honestly electrifying. the way they gradually work up to a friendship and form a bond is so satisfying to watch because they're so well-written that i wanted them to reach that level of understanding with each other. and the fact that two main characters had such wonderful chemistry without being forced to fall in love for plot reasons? another added bonus! i hate contrived romances more than anything, and this show didn't try to push anything that wasn't there. the second season is just as good as the first, but i often find myself returning to the first just to revisit these characters as i saw them first.

looking forward to:

never let me go

i have no idea who to tag tbh, but @minisculecosmos and @nooowestayandgetcaught, feel free to do this/ignore it!

[gabenvrhappened]

MoviesOr... Red, White and Royal Blue

The first time I read about Red, White and Royal Blue, it was described as a soft porn book, like the TV shows Netflix usually makes, so I never really paid attention or wanted to read it. Then, Amazon Prime announced they would be adapting the book, and I got curious because reading is one thing, but seeing those two fine actors doing it, that's what I really wanted. So I watched some teasers, saw that it was going to be Rated R, and waited patiently (not much, as soon as the days were getting close) for August 11th.

What was then my surprise to see that there was nothing soft porn there? Maybe Amazon saw the potential of having a big LGBT+ movie and decided to make it more family-friendly? Who knows… I don't hate the idea, it's good to make it available for more audience, but I surelly kept thinking about what we lost. But that was the only thing that made me disappointed. The rest? Perfection. I didn't think I would enjoy the movie so much like I did. I didn't think it would make me smile all the way through like Heartstopper did days before. And it was fun to see what is usually a teenage theme — loving someone you can't have because they're in the closet — in a mature environment, especially involving politics and royalty.

In this romance story, we met two young politicians from two of the most famous, and controversial, countries in the world. Alex, from the all powerful and omnipresent United States, and Henry from the London weird and unnecessary for today's standards monarchy. The rest? Is history, and I bet they can make some.

The biggest reason the movie works so well is the casting. How sensational are the two lead actors? They're charming, and they work so well together, with their sexual tension and jokes. I already knew Nicholas Galitzine from the Handsome Devil movie (that I'm still not over the fact that it didn't end with a kiss), so I knew he would deliver, but Taylor Perez was a surprise for me. I never paid attention to him on the terrible The Kissing Booth trilogy, which is good. We didn't get soft porn, but we got an ass, and although it wasn't from Nicholas (what a shame), it was from Taylor, so all is forgiven. Another person who steals the movie is Sarah Shahi with her incredible role as the President's Assistant. Her presence is incredible and every single scene that she’s in is fascinating, charming and piercing. And I also liked Rachel Hilson's part, who I met in Love, Victor.

In all its perfection, and in its two hours of fair good pace and development, the only criticism I have for the movie is how things were resolved. Even though the focus was on the love of the two main characters, still, part of the tension was on how their love affair would have consequences, especially around the monarchy. Sadly, none of this was explored in the movie (I'm not sure if it's explored in the book as well, so if it's not, then it has the same flaw). It's impractical to think that people would march in front of Buckingham Palace to celebrate their love so easily, not when the idea of a Royal Family revolves around racist and abusive behaviors. I know it's a piece of fiction, and I know the political rules and games the movie portrays are far simpler than they are in reality, but still, the movie sets the tone of being placed in the world as we know it, so the way all is solved really makes the ending weaker.

Again, this is not that big of a problem, but I wonder if Amazon regrets not turning this into a limited series. Not only could those problems be solved, but they could have also extend the story a bit further and gain more exposure from the fandom. Even so, the highs are much higher than the lows. There are so many amazing scenes, like the falling of the cake, the New Year's party where they're the only ones standing for seconds, the museum dance, and the hug on the stairs when everything is falling apart. I felt like I was inside Taylor's song London Boy, and now I want a Royal Blue heart all to myself. God, how I love the English.

[thanksjro]

Bayverse: Treating These Movies with More Dignity than They Deserve or Contain, Because I’m a Goddamned Professional - Part One

TRANSFORMERS (2007) - UNCOMFORTABLE SEXUAL TENSION BETWEEN TEENAGERS THAT I DIDN’T NEED TO SEE

So.

This is a little different than what I usually do.

Clearly.

God, how did we even get here?

Oh, I remember.

The date was September 17th, 2020, and I was in a stream with nine or ten other people watching the first Bayverse Transformers movie. Why we were watching it doesn’t particularly matter- sometimes you just gotta watch garbage so you can refresh your palate for the good stuff, I suppose. Also, a couple of folks wanted to make goo-goo eyes at Blackout’s rotors.

...It’s not my thing, but I’m glad they’ve got something to make the journey worth taking.

I made some sort of comment about only using my brain for this blog’s content, and someone (you know who you are :)) suggested that I take a proper look at the film. Being who I am, I immediately latched onto this idea, despite it being technically outside of what I write about.

And then I quintuple-downed, because winners don’t quit.

Good to know that my BA in Film Production wasn’t a complete waste of time.

Fun fact, I broke my television trying to watch Transformers for this. I think the universe was trying to stop me, by making me perform surgery on electronics, and also aggravating my carpal tunnel.

This movie came out when I was 13, and it was the first Transformers thing I saw after Cybertron. Yes, the anime one. No, not the one that’s objectively terrible.

Anyway.

How did I feel about Transformers when I saw it the first time? Well… it was okay. I liked the robots. I thought Mikaela was pretty, not that I knew what that meant back then. I watched it a few times, if only because my oldest younger brother kept renting it at Blockbuster. It was fun.

Now I’m older, and wiser, and know feminist theory, so my opinion is less “this exists” and more “blind, murderous rage”.

Our film opens up with some claptrap about the Cube™, a MacGuffin of ultimate power that allows the Transformers to create worlds in their image and populate them. Which means this is how they reproduce.

It always comes back to baby-making, doesn’t it?

The narration goes on about how the Cube™ is very powerful, and some folks wanted it for good, and others for evil. The criteria for being “good” and “evil” isn’t established, and I’m not exactly sure how one would define such a thing, when all the Cube™ does is create life, but, well, we’ve only just begun. Maybe we’ll get some answers later on.

Haha, I doubt it.

So, the Cube™ is the catalyst for our 4 million year war this continuity, and that sucker was lost in the shuffle a while back. This is a problem, because, again, the Cube™ is how the Transformers reproduce. Now everyone’s in a mad scramble to find the thing so their species doesn’t die out.

Three guesses as to where it ended up, and the first two don’t count.

Smashcut to the shit nobody cares about- the humans. We see an Osprey fly over the Qatar desert, carrying a buttload of American soldiers. We get a taste of some good old-fashioned xenophobia, as several soldiers mock a guy for not speaking English and loving his mother’s cooking, going full “funny haha gibberish language” on him. We’re two and a half minutes into the film, and I already want to stab something.

Ed Sheeran breaks into the conversation, I guess because he was feeling left out, revealing that he is the New Yorker stereotype of the film, for some reason. The fellas ask their captain, Lennox, what he’s looking forward to most about getting home from their tour, and he reveals himself to be a family man. While he’s been away, his wife had a baby, who he hasn’t so much as held yet. His men respond by mocking him.

For loving his child.

We’re three minutes into the film, and the toxic masculinity might actually make me have an aneurysm.

The Ospreys land, the lads disembark, and we get a snapshot of what downtime during deployment looks like to Bay. There are a lot of kiddie swimming pools involved. Two men play basketball. We watch multiple men take outdoor showers. A young Qatari boy brings Lennox a camelback water pack with a smile on his face. This lets me know that he’s a prop and not a character in this film. I can’t wait to see how many horrors he’ll be put through to simulate pathos.

We get a shot of a helicopter flying over the desert, one that the US military doesn’t recognize as their own. They send a couple of planes to check it out, and said planes get their shop wrecked. The helicopter is revealed to be the same ‘copter that was shot down several months prior. That’s… not good. Ghost helicopter?

No. Not at all, actually.

Lennox gets on a video chat with his wife and daughter, who is wearing one of the most ridiculous baby outfits I’ve seen in a hot minute. And I used to work in childcare, so I’ve seen a good amount of those. The writing implies that normal bodily functions are unladylike and therefore undesirable… in an infant… and that’s when all hell breaks loose, thankfully saving me from more of Bay trying to make me give a shit about these characters.

The helicopter lands, we get a shot of the mustachioed pilot, who glitches (gasp), and the line “have your crew step out or we will kill you” is uttered. Not even trying to hide the nationalism, are you?

This film hit theaters in 2007, when the xenophobia from 9/11 was still heavy in the air of the general populace, so things like this were more tolerated, and in fact approved of. Of course, it’s not like America has really improved on that subject, or ever really had a point where we weren’t terrible about it, since we live in a world where the military-entertainment complex exists.

See, the Department of Defense and a good chunk of American entertainment industries have a little deal going, and have for the last few decades, and it goes like this: The DoD will allow the use of their vehicles, personnel, and bases, or the likenesses of such, for free, in exchange for their operations being shown in a positive/morally justified light. This is why you never see the armed forces portrayed in a way that makes them out as anything less than heroes- nobody would be able to afford the sets/likenesses without the DoD’s aid. This is also why you see straight-up advertisements for the military branches on televison, in cinemas, and online, and why both the Army and Navy have flirted with having Twitch channels.

It’s all a ploy to get you to join the military, kids. It’s propaganda.

But enough about that, it’s time for our first transformation sequence!

We get a lot of moving parts with this, since it’s realistic CGI in a live-action movie, and it still holds up. It’s hard to tell what’s actually happening, but it, if nothing else, feels alien, surreal, and horrific to behold. They even included the original sound effect in the cacophony, which is nice.

Our ghost helicopter reveals itself to be a Transformer, not that we get that terminology at any point in this film. This specifically is Blackout, a Decepticon. The soldiers start firing on him the moment he starts transforming, then are surprised when the thing they started shooting with several guns retaliates. This is the point where everything ever in this military base explodes, brilliantly and repeatedly, because it wouldn’t be a Bay film without it. There’s a lot of shouting and bright lights, and I’m positively certain that a great deal of people died during this fight.

It’s just a shame that I don’t care.

Blackout rips the top off of a building like it’s a tin of anchovies, and then snags all the hard drives he can, downloading everything. This is a problem, but it seems like nobody was prepared for a giant alien robot hack-attack, because in order to shut down the power to the servers, you need to be able to unlock the breaker box, and no one seems to have the key. They solve the problem with a fire ax.

Lennox is leading the Qatari boy through the base towards safety. I should mention that it’s night now, and several hours seem to have passed since the Ospreys landed, so I don’t know why this kid is still here. He’s got, like, a house and family to go home to.

We get some more tank-throwing action, Sergeant Epps almost gets flattened under Blackout’s foot, then the movie decides it’s going to try to make things more interesting by having each shot cut flash, for whatever reason.

Someone shoots Blackout with a rocket launcher, I think, and this is the point where he throws his tiny little man off his back to go do his job. Yes, Blackout’s got a baby, and that baby is Scorponok, his symbiotic pal who likes to dig into the ground and be a sneaky little bastard.

Blackout blows up a ton more military equipment and personnel, and then it’s time for another smashcut.

Now we’re in high school, just like all those dreams I’ve had where I’ve forgotten my homework. This is where we meet Sam Witwicky, our main character, and also the stand-in for our target demographic. He’s insufferable, and I don’t like him. Mikaela Banes, our love interest, is also present in this scene, but we don’t get to know about her character for, like, another 20 minutes, because who gives a shit about women, right? They’re just props, right?

Right???

RIGHT??????????

RIGH-

Sam is presenting on his great-great-grandfather, Archibald Witwicky, for his family genealogy report, in front of a class containing maybe three actors who are age appropriate.

I know child labor laws are a good thing, and that hiring adults to play teenagers is just the lay of the land, but I swear some of these students look like they’re old enough to be on their second mortgage and third kid.

Anyway.

Archibald Witwicky was an explorer, one of the first to traverse the Arctic circle, and apparently his crew was made up of folks from 2007, because I swear the clothing for a few of these dudes isn’t period-appropriate. We get a seamen joke, because of course we do, and a sextant joke, because of course we do. Sam is also hawking all this crap he’s brought in for the presentation, because he is a little bastard who has no idea what his peers would want to buy, or really how to relate to them at all. He’s selling these “priceless” artifacts so he can get a car. Mikaela finds this charming, for some fucking reason. Also, her boyfriend is weirdly stroking her shoulder blade with his knuckles the whole time this is happening, and I hate it.

Archibald Witwicky went mad after his expedition, talking about an “ice man” so often that his family ended up locking him in a mental asylum, likely to be forgotten about. Which is sad. But we won’t be getting into the medical mistreatment of the mentally ill in Bayverse, now will we? That’s just Too Deep™.

Sam’s teacher didn’t very much appreciate having his class be turned into an episode of Antiques Roadshow, but still gives Sam an “A” on the project, despite it being a very poor report that lasted all of two minutes. I suspect the teacher has tenure, and therefore no longer gives a shit about academic integrity. This “A” means that Sam’s father will buy him a car.

Which is nice, I suppose, if I gave a damn.

Sam’s father, Ron, picks up his son in a car he probably bought at the crux of his midlife crisis, in a green that reminds me of a school gymnasium floor, then plays a prank on his child by pretending to pull into the Porsche dealership. Sam isn’t getting a Porsche, which is good, because he doesn’t deserve one. As Sam gripes to his father, a yellow Camaro drives by oh so conspicuously. Wonder what’s up with that.

Instead of the Porshe dealership, they head over to the used car lot, which is being run by Bobby Bolivia, who spends his time yelling at his employees and wanting to murder his mother. Sam is incredibly ungrateful about the fact that his dad is helping him get a car, even though it’s his FIRST car, and nobody gets a nice one the first go around. Or, at least, they shouldn’t, given the statistics about accidents with young drivers.

“No sacrifice, no victory” is uttered by Ron, which is the family motto, or so he claims. Archibald Witwicky said the same thing when he had multiple people dying trying to get to the Arctic Circle, so there’s precedence for the phrase, but we’ll see how it holds up throughout the film.

Bobby Bolivia shows Sam and Ron the cars he has for sale, and Sam is immediately drawn to the yellow Camaro in the lot, though there’s a small problem- it’s too expensive for what he and his father agreed to. Also, nobody knows where the hell it came from, so paperwork might be an issue. When Bobby tries to show Sam the yellow Beetle they have right down the line, everything explodes, because this is a Bay film, and fuck the original material this movie was based on. Bobby lets them have the Camaro for a lower price, suddenly fearful of whatever strange powers have just visited his place of business. “The car picks the driver” is suddenly more than a bullshit line to spout off in order to sell cars, and I’m certain that’s shaken the poor man.

Over in Washington, D.C., the Secretary of Defense prepares to address just what the hell happened in Qatar, lamenting on how young the audience he’s going to be speaking to is. In particular, he’s referring to the two dweebs and the hot chick sitting in one of the rows. All the women in this movie who aren’t someone’s mom are made up to be very pretty. And not even in a realistic way. But we’ll get to that in a bit.

So, the military network was hacked. That’s bad. Nobody knows who did it. That’s also bad. The only lead the US has is a soundbite, which is the signal that hacked the network.

Everyone here at the briefing is going to be helping to figure this mess out. This is great, if you like looking at Rachael Taylor for a few seconds at a time, and can compartmentalize hard enough to make that worth the effort of watching this godforsaken film.

Back at the Witwicky household, we meet Mojo, a chihuahua with a cast that doesn’t seem like it’s actually doing anything. I wish he was the main character instead of Sam.

Sam arrives home from the dealership, and says “alright, Mojo, I’ve got the car. Now I need the girl.”

As if ownership of a person is something to aspire to.

As if women are property to be owned.

As if women aren’t people, but rather commodities.

We’re 17.5 minutes into this film.

We’re introduced to Judy, Sam’s mother. She’s shrill, and annoying. This is by design, because none of the women in this film are actually people, but rather archetypes to bounce off of the male characters.

Sam and his father have a moment of what some might consider banter, then Sam gets huffy with his mom over gender roles for the dog. I, for one, think Mojo looks positively dashing in his bedazzled collar, and to hell with whatever Sam says to the contrary.

Sam drives off to go be a misogynist, with the promise to be back by 11PM.

Over in Qatar, the soldiers and that little boy are running from the attack on their base, as Lennox’s wife watches a public announcement on the matter back at home. The Secretary of Defense lets us know that we’re at DEFCON Delta at this point. Lennox Jr. cries, and all I can think about is how they probably pinched that baby to make that happen. They pinched a baby for Transformers (2007).

The soldiers in Qatar talk about shit they have no idea about, Sergeant Epps going on about somehow having been able to see a forcefield around Blackout through his super special binoculars. I don’t know how, or why, he knows this. I don’t know anything anymore.

Ed Sheeran has his doubts about this whole thing, and Lennox is also present in the scene, because I guess he’s important. Through a bit of dramatic irony, Fig- the guy everyone was making fun of for being bilingual at the start of the film- says that this probably isn’t over, as the shape of Scorponok shifts through the sand just beyond them.

Epps is having a minor crisis over the fact that Blackout saw him, but we don’t have time for that, because we’ve got to get to cover. The lads decide to head to the little Qatari boy’s house. Again, I wonder why he was at the base at all, considering that it seems like they’ve been traveling for a good portion of the day.

Back with Sam, he’s picked up his friend Miles, and together they’re going to a lake party. Are they invited to this party? Yes, but also no. It’s public property though, so it should be fine. As they park, Sam notices that Mikaela is here, which is great for him.

Mikaela’s boyfriend, Trent- whose name I had to look up- is a massive tool, and starts pestering the two boys for daring to exist in his airspace. Miles climbs a tree. I’m glad he’s having fun, at least. Sam makes a joke at the expense of people with brain injuries, and this for some reason? Warrants a shot of Mikaela making the blank “pretty girl” face? In response?

Mikaela saves Sam from becoming a wet stain on the grass, which is very kind of her, and more than Sam really deserves. Trent, his boys, and Mikaela start to head off for another party, to get away from Sam and his tree-loving friend. Mikaela offers to drive, and Trent says that she can’t handle his truck, because she’s a ~girl~. This causes Mikaela to ditch him, and start walking home.

The script knows enough about misogyny to know that this would be a nice “take that”. Michael Bay, however, likely fails to see why everything he did with said script involving this character is a goddamned problem.

Because Mikaela, bless her heart, has a lot of problems.

Let’s start with the outfit: a croptop, a jean skirt that BARELY covers her ass, and a pair of wedge heels that are at least four inches tall. On a character that is, at oldest, freshly 18.

Look, I’m all about self-expression and the freedom to choose how you dress for yourself and yourself alone, but this clearly isn’t that. This is a character, not a person, whose wardrobe was designed for the straight male gaze. She’s wearing fucking STRAP HEELS to the lake. This is about oogling. This is about reducing a whole-ass person to the same status as a piece of meat. In fact, who was on wardrobe for this? I’d like to have a few words with-

A woman? Okay, well, what else has she worked on?

You can’t be fucking serious.

ANYWAY.

Miles just called Mikaela an “evil jock concubine.” I don’t like Miles anymore.

As Mikaela walks down the road, strutting hard enough that I’ve got sympathy pains in my hips, the radio in the Camaro turns on, playing “Drive” by the Cars, and giving Sam a hell of an idea; he’s gonna drive Mikaela home, so she doesn’t have to walk the 10 miles to her house. Why he knows how far she lives from the lake isn’t addressed.

Sam kicks Miles out of the car and goes to give Mikaela a ride, which she accepts after a bit of self-deliberation, and also him making an ass of himself. The shot here is framed with Sam like he’s a normal-ass person, and Mikaela from her breasts to the top of her waist. Because of COURSE it is.

She hops in the car and then goes off about her taste in hot guys. Which is weird, and out of left field. Sam is about as confused as I am, then continues to make a fool of himself. This is his nature as a person. Mikaela has no idea who Sam is, even though they’ve gone to the same school for the last 10 years and have multiple classes together. And the fact that she was staring him down all through his genealogy presentation. And at the lake.

This movie isn’t very well thought out, I feel.

It’s at this point the the Camaro turns the key on itself and starts to sputter out and die, as “Sexual Healing” by Marvin Gaye pops on the radio.

I don’t like how this car is trying to get Sam laid.

I don’t like how this car is trying to get Sam laid with a girl who didn’t even know his name five minutes ago.

I don’t like how this car knows what sex is.

The Camaro breaks down on a cliff, and Mikaela hops out to work on the engine, and also to get the hell away from Sam’s sputtering.

As Mikaela admires the sweet engine in this Camaro, showing off her knowledge of cars, we get several shots of her from her breasts to her thighs, while Sam is treated like an actual person. Don’t bother trying to play it off as an artistic choice, Bay, this is blatant horndogging. This adds to NOTHING, other than my ire.

Sam says more stupid shit, and Mikaela, who must be the nicest fucking person in the world, just tells him to fire up the engine so she can try to sort out the problem. Then he asks why she goes for jackasses like Trent, and she decides that she’s hit her limit for today, opting to walk the rest of the way home. Good on you, Mikaela. Don’t take Sam’s bullshit.

Sam, realizing that he’s put his foot in his mouth for the 80th time today, pleads with his Camaro to do him a solid and work, and this actually works out for him. Great. Sam, victorious, once again offers Mikaela a ride, which she, once again, takes.

He drops her off without further incident, and she thanks him for listening. Even though they didn’t really talk that much. I dunno, maybe they had a super deep conversation offscreen. Mikaela asks Sam if he thinks she’s shallow, because clearly all women need approval from the men around them, and Sam says that there’s more to her than meets the eye.

Which made me groan aloud.

Anyway, she gets inside without a problem, and Sam professes his love for his new Camaro for allowing him to talk to a girl. Or at least talk at her.

Back in Washington, D.C., at the Pentagon National Military Command Center, we’re making weirdly racist calls on who hacked the military.

Up with Air Force One, a conspicuous boombox transforms into a robot, and then runs off to hack shit. The President of the United States requests some snack cakes. A flight attendant goes down to storage to retrieve said snack cakes, and finds that boombox in the elevator with her. Considering this is Air Force One, you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing, but this is Bayverse, and we don’t think here.

The flight attendant brings the boombox down with her and places it on the counter as she goes to get the presidential snack cakes. The boombox immediately disappears. Now, you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing, but this is Bayverse-

The flight attendant opens up the snack cake package, for some reason, and drops the cake on the floor. She then proceeds to eat it, and then act shocked when it tastes like floor. There’s a robot in her fucking line of sight, and you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing-

She leaves to go feed the President floor cakes, and our little robot friend gets to work stealing government secrets. He, if nothing else, looks pretty cool doing it. He’s a very pointy lad.

Back at the Pentagon, Maddie- Rachael Taylor’s character- can hear the hacking. This sends everyone into a panic, because, well, that shouldn’t be happening. The hacking noise is a direct match to the one from Qatar, so that’s obviously a problem.

Back on Air Force One, our little robot friend is looking for “Project Iceman”, which he very quickly finds, and downloads everything they’ve got on it, and also plants a virus. The process seems to be… doing things to him. It’s weird. This movie is weird.

The Pentagon cuts all the system hardlines, stopping the process, but it’s too late- he got what he wanted, just about. Two security personnel come into the room, and the robot kills them both with some spinning blade disc nonsense. Air Force One is forced to land for the safety of everyone on-board. More security detail comes in to deal with the little bastard, but he transforms into a boombox and sits on a shelf to avoid suspicion. Now, you’d perhaps expect-

With the plane grounded, our robot is able to walk his little ass over to a cop car. And when I say walk, I do mean walk; this fucker is in multiple folks’ line of sight and nobody notices a thing. When he enters the car, he’s greeted by the mustachioed driver- the same driver who was operating the helicopter at the beginning of the film. This mustache man is a holographic avatar, one that’s being used by all the Decepticons.

We get our first real taste of Cybertronian language, as our robot- it’s Frenzy, his name is Frenzy- lets everyone know that he’s found a clue to the location of the AllSpark, and, through the power of the internet, knows where to find the guy who’s gonna give them what they need.

Three guesses to who it is, and the first two don’t count.

Back at the Witwicky household, Sam’s car does a runner in the middle of the night. Sam, horrified that his property is being stolen, pursues on a bike, screaming at his dad to call the cops. Sam also calls the cops, as he tears through the neighborhood.

The Camaro breaks into an abandoned building, Sam follows, and we finally get a shot of our audience appeal character. Sam watches in disbelief as a giant yellow space robot shines a beacon into the sky, then makes a video on his flip phone recording the experience. He apologizes to his parents for owning pornographic magazines, and goes to face his probable demise.

However, death does not come from above, instead manifesting itself as two of the strongest junkyard dogs in the known universe, who break their brick-inlaid chains to get at this little dip of a man. Sam is chased through the yard, climbing on top of a couple precarious oil drums, even though there’s a ladder, like, right there. The Camaro rolls in, scaring off the dogs, and Sam bolts, throwing the keys to his ride at his ride. When he gets outside, the cops have arrived, and immediately arrest him.

Back with the US government, the Secretary of State is having a conversation about all the bullshit that just went down with Air Force One. He and his fellow cishet old white men discuss their options, until Maddie comes in to set them straight on some of the facts. They act all indignant about it, because women can’t be smart, right?

Right???

RIGHT??????????

RIGH-

Anyway, we get a weird little deflection of Maddie’s role in everything, because a woman is nothing without the men around her, then she brings up the point that the bullshit that happened on Air Force One went down in just a few seconds, which isn’t something that anyone can actually do. She brings up quantum mechanics, which everyone blows off as nonsense- not that I wouldn’t as well- and theorizes on a DNA-based computer, which is technically a thing, if not trapped in the realm of speculation. It’s at this point that the Secretary of Defense tells her to come back when she can back these wild claims up, and isn’t just clearly spitballing.

And then he snaps his fingers at her, and any point he might have had leaves my brain so I have more room for being enraged.

Back with Sam, we’re at the police station talking to the cops. His dad is here, and Sam is trying to explain that his car is a dude. Even though he took at a video (one that was likely crap, given how quickly he spun his phone around to show off what he was seeing) the cops, understandably, don’t believe him. Then one of them, not so understandably, starts… threatening Sam? With his sidearm? And daring him to try something? This isn’t any sort of statement on the corruption of American law enforcement, it’s just bizarre.

Back in Qatar, our soldier buddies have found a telephone line, and are going to try to use it to get in contact with the rest of the world. It’s just too bad that Scorponok’s decided to make an entrance, and knock said telephone line the hell down. Ed Sheeran has next to no reaction to this, despite it happening maybe ten feet behind him. Fig speaks Spanish, and Ed Sheeran makes a point to be an asshole about it.

Scorponok is about to stab Lennox with his very pointy tail, when Epps notices- finally, someone with peripheral vision- and starts shooting. Then everyone starts shooting, kicking up enough sand to blind themselves, as Scorponok scuttles away, buries himself, then reappears behind Ed Sheeran.

Ed Sheeran does not survive this experience.

The others bolt, not wanting the same to happen to them, and for the fourth time I wonder just why the hell this young boy was at the base in the first place.

Off in the distance, the community of a nearby town wonders just what the shit is going on out in the desert. Our soldiers run into the town, and everyone gets their guns and start firing on Scorponok, who retaliates, because why the hell wouldn’t he?

Lennox demands that the young boy take him to his father, and proceeds to borrow his phone. As shit goes down outside, we have a sort-of gag where Lennox is trying to contact the Pentagon, while a telemarketer tries to get him to buy a phone package. In order for this call to go through, he’s going to need a credit card. This is where the well-known “pocket” scene comes from, as Lennox searches Epps’ pants for his wallet as he fires on Scorponok. It’s probably the best-written thing in this whole film.

With the credit card acquired, Lennox finally gets through to the Pentagon, and tosses Epps the phone so he can talk. Maybe he’s got anxiety about speaking on the phone, I dunno.

Scorponok shows off his disregard for historical architecture, blowing up several buildings, and the US government just watches this all go down. One of the actors in this scene looks like my dad, and it trips me up every time he’s on screen. Anyway, now the Pentagon knows about the giant space robots running around in Qatar. They send over some air support about it. All this manages to do is piss Scorponok off.

So they try it again.

This time it works, sort of.

At the very least, he’s left now.

Tail fell off, though.

Also, Fig’s been grievously wounded. The others, for once, don’t make fun of his native language while they help him hold his blood inside his body.

Back at the Pentagon, Maddie’s looking to prove that the bullshit that’s been going on is of the sci-fi variety, and in order to do that, she’s going to need a little outside help. She takes the information from the Pentagon, slaps it into an SD card, hides that shit in her blush compact, and then runs out the door to Glenn Whitmann’s house. Or, rather, his grandma’s house.

Glenn is a hacker, and shouldn’t be seeing anything that Maddie’s brought him, but everyone knows that confidentiality is for nerds, so whatever.

Back at the Pentagon, Maddie’s immediately been caught. It’s almost like slapping the military network onto an SD card maybe wasn’t such a hot idea. But what do I know?

Glenn takes a look at the soundbite and figures out that there’s a code embedded in the thing in about two seconds. Good to know our tax dollars are being well-spent on the US military, that some dude in his jammies can figure this shit out faster than a whole team of analysts. They figure out that “Project Iceman” is involved with this somehow, and also the existence of Sector Seven. It’s at this point that the FBI busts in. Good. I kind of want Maddie to go to jail for this, because she was about as stupid as she could be handling the situation.

Glenn’s cousin goes through a closed glass door- don’t worry, it’s tempered- and there’s a weird cut before that exact same shot continues, and he’s tackled into the pool. There was no reason for that to have happened, but here we are.

Back with Sam, we’re treated to him in his boxers, shooting basketballs in his room. He goes into the kitchen, where Mojo is standing on a stool. It’s a very tall stool, the sort you sit on, and he’s just… there. I don’t know how he got there. There’s no one else in the room besides Sam, and I know he didn’t put him there.

Clearly this must mean Mojo is God, and being on that stool is his divine will. I will be approaching the rest of the franchise with this in mind, because it’s clearly the only answer.

Our merciful Lord Mojo jumps up on the kitchen counter and begins growling at something through the window. Sam looks out… the opposite window… to find that his Camaro has returned to him, and is less than thrilled about it, to put it lightly. He drops a jug of milk- luckily it was mostly empty, given the sound it makes when it hits the floor- and gives his buddy Miles a call. You remember Miles, don’t you? If you don’t, it’s fine, because he reestablishes his quirkiness with a single shot, as he sits in a swimsuit and bathes his huge-ass dog in a kiddie pool, and answers the phone with a headset he just happened to be wearing. He must get a lot of calls during Dog Washing Hours.


After giving us one of the most intense voice cracks I’ve ever heard, Sam books it out of his house, hopping on a bike to escape his murderous Camaro. He’s not seen the thing commit any murders, mind you, but he seems pretty convinced that it would do the job, given half a chance. Also, this isn’t the bike he rode the night before; that one is likely being chewed on by those strong-ass junkyard dogs. No, for some reason, the Witwickys have a pastel pink girl’s bike, with the fun little handle tassels and the basket and everything. As far as I can tell, Sam is an only child, and if you think Bay’s going to allow for a teenage boy to have the vulnerability to own a pink bike, you’ve not been paying attention for the last 48.5 minutes.

The Camaro gives chase, rolling after Sam on his bike at a brisk 7 MPH down the friggin’ sidewalk, one of the only scenes in this travesty of a film to actually get me to crack a smile. Sam races through town until city planning puts a stop to him, through the magic of using chunks of cement to decorate the mulch around their trees. He crashes his bike, faceplants into the concrete in front of Mikaela, and promptly dies, thus ending the film.

No, he doesn’t die. I just told a fib. I’m sorry.

Instead, he does a flip and lands on his back, likely receiving a concussion, in front of Mikaela and her friends. Her friends laugh, because everyone hates Sam, as they should, and Mikaela says that what he just did was “really awesome.” Don’t try to be nice, Mikaela, this is Sam we’re talking about; you could stick the dude in the freezer overnight and he still wouldn’t be even remotely cool.

Sam gets back to the whole “running away from a car” deal, and Mikaela decides that this is the sort of thing she’d like to do with her day, so she ditches her friends in the middle of their scheduled Burger King™ time to go see what the hell Sam’s on about.

As Sam is chased by the Camaro who is being chased by Mikaela on her motorized scooter, a cop becomes involved, tearing through the streets to join this ridiculous game of tag. Now, we’ve seen two different flavor of cop so far- the mustachioed avatar cop car that picked up Frenzy from the airport, and the dude who threatened a teenage boy with a gun after accusing him of being under the influence of drugs. Either way, I don’t think this is going to turn out well for Sam.

Sam’s cornered himself under one of those really wide bridges where people can park their cars, which wasn’t terribly smart, but it’s Sam, so this is about par for the course. The Camaro manages to miss him, but the cop car does not. Sam is actually pretty cool with the cops being here, as if they could do anything about “Satan’s Camaro.” I guess he didn’t see the decal on the side of this car that says “to punish and enslave…”

Sam attempts to approach the car for help, and gets clotheslined by a car door for his troubles. He hits his head on the pavement, certainly exasperating the brain injury he received not ten minutes ago. Still, he continues to try to talk to the holographic avatar through the windshield, revealing that the bike he’s been riding is his mother’s. Mystery solved, I suppose.

The cop car doesn’t much appreciate being slapped on the hood, and begins to rev violently at Sam, threatening to run him over several times. Then it explodes into being a robot. Sam, who’s seen a lot of really weird shit in the last 24 hours, nopes out of the situation. It’s at this point that I realize he’s wearing a shirt for the band the Strokes. I don’t know why that stuck out to me, but it did. Guess my brain needed something to latch onto during all this.

Sam is running as fast as his little legs allow, as our newest robot friend takes up a leisurely jog to keep pace. Then he kicks Sam. He kicks Sam’s body like the football. This, of course, instantly turns Sam into a bag of jelly and kills him, thus ending the film.

No, he doesn’t die. I just told another fib. I’m sorry.

Sam somehow survives being punted by a giant metal leg and lands in the windshield of a car that doesn’t turn into a robot. Then he gets yelled at by the cop car. This is Barricade, a member of the Decepticons, and Sam’s got something he wants. Or, should I say “LadiesMan217” has something he wants.

LadiesMan217 is Sam’s Ebay username. This is both stupid because no teenage boy existing beyond the year 1985 would have ever called himself that, and also because it’s just stupid.

Barricade wants the glasses Sam presented for his genealogy report, and he wants them NOW. Seeing as the thing he wants is for sale, and nobody had been bidding on it, one would wonder why Barricade and his associates didn’t just try to purchase them like upstanding citizens. Perhaps Decepticons don’t understand the concept of money, or perhaps they don’t have a stable address to have the glasses shipped to. Or perhaps nobody considered that angle when the script was being put together. Who can say?

Sam gets back to running away from Barricade, we see where Mikaela got to, and the two of them collide. Sam rips Mikaela off of her scooter, and they both fall to the ground. Mikaela, who did not buckle the clasp on her helmet, asks Sam what his fucking problem is. Then his problem shows up, and they take a very long time to get up so they can run. So long, in fact, that the Camaro has to swing in to save them. After much pleading from Sam, Mikaela gets inside Satan’s Camaro, and the two of them are whisked away to safety. Barricade pursues, and then the butt rock starts.

There’s a lot of screaming and yelling, the Camaro busts through a window and several shelves in an abandoned building, there’s some drifting, and then suddenly it’s nighttime. Barricade somehow got in front of the Camaro, and is circling like a shark. The Camaro locks the two teenagers inside itself, though I suppose they could climb out through the still-open windows if they really wanted to. The Camaro cuts the engine off, then cuts it back on and bolts for the exit, and this somehow tricks Barricade long enough for them to get past.

The Camaro dumps Mikaela and Sam out one of the doors and then transforms into that yellow space robot we saw a bit ago. It’s Bumblebee! Nearly an hour in, and we finally get a proper look at the little bastard. I guess that’s what happens when you spend the first 20-something minutes on being xenophobic and appealing to the focus groups that think it’s fine sexualize high schoolers.

Bumblebee- no, he’s not introduced himself yet, but I just can’t keep calling him “the Camaro” anymore- comes out of his transformation ready to square the fuck up. Barricade throws himself at Bumblebee, they roll around on the ground for a bit, then things start sparking and exploding, because this is a Michael Bay film. Frenzy jumps out and starts chasing down Mikaela and Sam, while Bumblebee and Barricade murder death punch each other. Frenzy manages to grab Sam by the ankles, drag him to the ground, and rip his pants off. Not sure how that happened, considering he’s still got his shoes on.

While Sam’s busy being chased by a sentient pile of safety pins, Mikaela’s taken it upon herself to be proactive about her survival, and is raiding a nearby building for power tools. She sprints out holding an electric jig saw and saves Sam by decapitating Frenzy. If you know anything about Transformers, then you know this doesn’t actually kill Frenzy, but good on her for being a badass. Why couldn’t Mikaela be our main character again? Oh, right, because she’s a ~girl~.

Sam punts Frenzy’s head, like, 50 yards, which seems like something he shouldn’t be able to do, given that he’s a massive weenie, but there you are. With that out of the way, Sam takes Mikaela’s hand and they run off to go watch the giant robot fight. The bottom of Frenzy’s head turns into a spider and he crawls his way over to Mikaela’s purse. He’s gonna steal her gum, the fiend!

Mikaela and Sam have, unfortunately, missed the giant robot fight, which means that we, as the audience, have also missed the giant robot fight. Which is unbelievably stupid, seeing as everyone who has ever watched this movie came for the GIANT GODDAMN ROBOTS.

Mikaela asks just who the hell the yellow robot is, I guess because she’s finally had a second to process what the hell’s going on. Sam claims that he’s a super-advanced robot, “probably from Japan.” Whether or not this is a reference to the Japanese origins of the original toy line isn’t clear, though somehow I think it’s more xenophobia. Sam also makes the claim that if Bumblebee had intended to hurt them, he would have done it by now. This is quite the jump from a few hours ago, when he was calling the poor guy “Satan’s Camaro.”

Sam finally, finally asks Bumblebee what his deal is, and we get our first taste of the Bayverse Bumblebee Gimmick. The Gimmick here is that, due to an injury to his vocal processing, Bumblebee cannot communicate through traditional means, i.e. speech. Because of this, he instead strings together sentences by flicking through the radio frequencies and choosing key words. This can lead to some interesting audio design, like describing his fellow Autobots to “rain down like visitors form heaven, Hallelujah!” because a radio sermon fit what he was trying to say best.

This gimmick is one that has been used in other pieces of Transformers media, at least in part. Bumblebee is unable to speak traditionally in Transformers: Prime, and instead communicates in beeps and clicks that his teammates can understand, but not so much the humans, save for Raf. In Bumblebee (2018), the idea was used whole-cloth, with the injury resulting in his inability to speak happening on-camera within the first 10 minutes of the movie, and the idea of “expressing oneself through music” being introduced by his human companion Charlie Watson.

All in all, I rather like the idea going on here; it’s an interesting part of his character that opens up for a lot of interesting and creative moments.

It’s just too bad it was introduced in fucking Bayverse.

But yeah, anyway, the other Autobots are coming to Earth. Shit’s gonna be lit.

Bumblebee turns back into a Camaro, and Sam uses the power of FOMO to get Mikaela to go in the car with him. We get a shot of Barricade fucking dying on the side of the road. Frenzy murders Mikaela’s phone, and then steals its identity, including the little bejeweled heart stickers. Good thing Mikaela remembered to go get her purse, otherwise he probably would have felt very silly doing that.

Mikaela refuses to sit in the driver’s seat, seeing as she now knows Sam’s car is sentient, and sort of feels weird about this whole thing. Sam suggests that she sit in his lap instead, as the camera angles to give us a peek at the cup of Mikaela’s bra. When asked why the hell she should do such a thing, Sam says it’s a concern about her safety, given that the middle console of the car does not have a seatbelt. Sam either fails to recognize that seatbelts going over two layered bodies won’t save either of them in the event of a crash, or he’s just trying to make an excuse to have a pretty girl in his lap.

Given what movie this is, I’m going to guess it’s the latter.

Mikaela has a similar line of thought, but scoots over anyway, saying that the seatbelt line was a “smooth move”. It wasn’t, but if I picked apart every single bad line Sam had in this film, I’d be here all day.

Mikaela questions Bumblebee’s taste in alt-mode, which offends him to the point of dumping both her and Sam out in the street and driving away. He returns, moments later, as a sleek new Camaro, that I’m sure some car aficionados would call “sexy.”

Bumblebee’s alt-mode is a 2009 Chevrolet Camaro, of which there were none during the time of filming. It was put together for this movie in roughly five weeks. Sam is blown away by the fact that he now owns a car that does not currently exist in his universe. Mikaela is impressed, or at least she would be, if women were allowed to show that emotion in a non-horny way in a Bay film.

Judy doesn’t count.

As Bumblebee breaks into yet another restricted area, we get a shot of the Earth from orbit, as several objects rocket towards the planet. Sam and Mikaela watch the Autobots burn up in the atmosphere, and Mikaela tries to hold Sam’s hand as they do, and it’s at this point that I have to address how much I hate these two’s dynamic.

I don’t give a single solitary shit about this romance, because A) it’s poorly written, B) Mikaela could do infinitely better than Sam, C) I dislike Sam so very much, D) Mikaela, who is a way more interesting character, got placed on friggin’ love interest duty because ~girl~, and E) it’s useless padding to try and make me care about what’s happening here, and I just DON’T. I do NOT care about whether these two get together or not.

We see the Autobots crash-land, three out of four of them causing massive amounts of property damage and possibly killing at least one person. Their stasis pods crack open, and they each climb out, completely naked and in desperate need of clothing to hide their shame. With a quick scan of nearby vehicles, they’re once again decent to be seen in public.

Bumblebee drives the kids out to what I can only assume is the warehouse district he sent that beacon out in, as our collection of good guys finally come together at long last. A massive Peterbilt semi-truck stops directly in front of Mikaela and Sam.

We’re over an hour into this film, and we’re just now getting to the quintessential Transformer, Optimus Prime himself.

In the original cartoon, Optimus’s alt-mode was what’s known as a cabover truck, one where the cab- where the driver sits- is seated directly over the engine. These were popular during the days when maximum truck-lengths were much shorter than they are currently. This is why when you look at height charts for Optimus over various continuities, his G1 cartoon counterpart much shorter than his other iterations.

Modern trucks are longer, and don’t need the cab to sit on top of the engine to save on space. The designers chose to use a Peterbilt to make sure that Optimus would have an imposing stature when compared to his fellow Autobots.

Because heaven forbid we not have heightism come into play in this film.

Our Autobots transform, and say what you will about these bastards being visually incomprehensible, the transformations themselves are cool as hell. My personal favorite is Jazz’s, where he does a cool windmill into his root mode.

Optimus crouches like he’s looking at a cool bug on the sidewalk and addresses Sam by name. He doesn’t even acknowledge Mikaela, which I find to be a bit rude, but whatever. He then introduces himself as the leader of the Autobots.

Peter Cullen is back as the voice for Optimus Prime, sounding wonderful as always. He almost wasn’t brought on for this project, because Michael Bay didn’t want him. If the fans hadn’t thrown a hissyfit, who knows who we would have gotten to be our space dad for the next hour and a half?

This is actually an issue that’s recurred several times in the last few years, and not just with Cullen; Frank Welker, the voice of Megatron, as well as many other Transformers, has been refused roles within Transformers properties. In general, this is because both Cullen and Welker are union actors, and Hasbro would prefer to hire sound-alikes than pay more money for the originals. This isn’t to shame the non-union actors, goodness no, just to merely point out less-than-fantastic business practices.

I realize there have been a lot of tangents, but you have to understand that I am suffering as I do this.

Optimus then introduces his team- there’s Jazz, whose first line is “What’s crackin’ little bitches?”, Ironhide, who incorrectly quotes Dirty Harry, and Ratchet, who calls out just how obnoxiously horny Sam’s character is. We also finally get Bumblebee’s name.

Mikaela asks the very good question of why the fuck the Autobots are here on Earth. Optimus explains that the AllSpark is here, and they’ve got to get to it before Megatron does. He then goes on to explain who Megatron is, stating that he “betrayed” the Cybertronian empire.

No, how exactly he did that isn’t addressed. We’ll just have to take Optimus’s word, I suppose.

If you’ve sussed out by this point the the AllSpark and the Cube™ are the same thing, congrats! You win. Megatron followed the AllSpark to Earth, where he promptly was neutralized by the cold of the Arctic circle. This was 110 years prior to the events of this film, and where Archibald Witwicky came in to the story.

When the expedition was happening, Archibald fell through the ice during a collapse, and ended up finding Megatron’s frozen body in an ice cave. He went poking around on this strange metal giant, and ended up activating Megatron’s navigation systems, which imprinted the coordinates of the AllSpark onto Archibald’s glasses.

Don’t ask how that works, it just does.

So, the Autobots need the glasses, so they can find the AllSpark before the Decepticons do, so those guys don’t use it to build an army out of Earth’s machines, which will destroy humanity.

Sounds simple enough, let’s go get that vision correction device!

Back with the military dudes, everyone’s taking a gander at the tail that Scorponok left behind. They theorize that the metal that makes up these giant murder-robots reacts to extreme heat, but elaboration on that point will have to wait, because the tail has begun to flail. They quickly strap it down, then call the military to let them know to strap anti-tank guns onto anything that’s going to be approaching any giant robots.

Meanwhile, in an interrogation room, Maddie and Glen have been left to sweat a bit. Glen takes to stress-eating, while framing it as a psychological tactic to subconsciously prove his innocence to the FBI.

This is a fat joke, with the added nasty layer of Glen being a black man about to be interrogated by one of the most intimidating white cops I’ve seen in a hot minute.

Glen immediately folds, pinning all the blame on Maddie, and claiming that he’s been a perfect angel his whole life. We get some weird purity culture out of him, before Maddie lets the FBI know that she needs to talk to the Secretary of Defense, NOW.

Over at the Witwicky household, Sam’s parents are watching the news, trying to find out what all those loud crashes were about. Optimus Prime drives down their residential street, the rest of the gang in tow, then they all park to wait for Sam to go get the glasses.

For about 20 seconds.

Sam has to physically hold the door shut to prevent his father from coming out and seeing several very tall robots from outer space tip-toeing around his freshly-landscaped yard, I guess because they got antsy. Optimus plods around on the grass and breaks a fountain, and our benevolent god Mojo comes out of the house, assuredly to smite the leader of the Autobots.

Mikaela runs onto the scene, and Sam chastises her for not controlling the robots who didn’t even acknowledge her existence, outside of pointing out Sam was sexually attracted to her.

Mojo pees on Ironhide’s foot, which prompts Ironhide to threaten to shoot the creature. This is why Ironhide isn’t getting into heaven. Sam, one of Mojo’s chosen few, claims that the mortal shell of his god is seen as a beloved pet by many humans. Sam runs into the house, before Mojo can incur his divine wrath on the Autobots.

While Sam goes to get the glasses, the Autobots decide to do a little peeping on the house, watching his parents watch TV. Sam tears his room apart trying to find the glasses, and Optimus thinks that it would be helpful if he brought Mikaela up to help look. It’s at this point that I realize that Sam has an utterly bizarre fish tank.

I mean, legitimately, what the fuck is this? No filter, no plants, might not even have any rocks on the bottom. Is this a comically oversized bong Sam threw a couple fish into? What the fuck.

Mikaela starts looking for the glasses, running into what is likely a box of porn mags, then they both look out the window to find that the Autobots have decided to hide in plain sight by transforming... in the middle of Sam’s backyard. Amazing work, gentlemen.

Sam finally convinces the Autobots to go sit in the alley and wait, only for Ratchet to run into a power line and trip into a greenhouse. The resulting impact is interpreted as an earthquake. Judy does not have the reaction one might expect from someone who’s lived in California for at least ten years.

Ratchet’s fine, by the way.

The power cuts out, and Ron goes up to check on his son, because he’s at least a halfway-decent father. Ratchet’s shining a light to aid in the search for the glasses. Sam’s parents notice this bright light, and bang on Sam’s door to see what’s up.

Sam quickly hides Mikaela and then attempts to salvage the situation, answering the door and trying to control the narrative. Unfortunately, Ron is far too inquisitive for Sam to do this, and then Judy asks if Sam was masturbating.

Judy, is privacy just not a thing to you? Because if not, it really ought to be.

She keeps going with it too, trying to come up with code words, until another one of the Autobots trips and causes Ron to panic again, climbing into Sam’s ancient claw-foot bathtub to protect himself. He looks out the window to check on his beloved yard, lamenting that the earthquake tore it up.

Ironhide is strongly considering killing Sam’s parents. Optimus tells him that they don’t harm humans, and also begins to wonder if he made a mistake bringing this guy along.

Back in Sam’s room, it’s becoming increasingly obvious that Sam is an absolutely terrible liar, and Mikaela reveals herself, if only to prevent Judy from trying to talk about self-pleasure again. Of course, now she gets to be subjected to both of Sam’s parents objectifying her, so this might be a lose-lose situation.

Sam is reminded that his backpack is in the kitchen, just in time for the government to show up at his house. Mikaela makes a comment about Judy being nice. I suppose on a surface level, yes, being told that you’re gorgeous by someone’s mom is nice. I do have to question the context that compliment took place in, however.

Sam’s about to hand the glasses over to the Autobots, when someone rings the doorbell. It’s Sector Seven, and they’re here to talk to Sam about his stolen car being part of an issue involving national security. Ron and Judy are more concerned about their yard being torn up, Judy yelling that they “need to get their hands off [her] bush.”

We still have another hour of this movie.

The agent leading this mission asks Sam to come with him for questioning, which his parents are very much against. Mojo also voices his displeasure, but it would seem that Agent Simmons is not a follower of the Tenets of Mojo. Sam gets geigered, and his readings are high enough for Sector Seven to take him and everyone in this house into custody.

As Sam and Mikaela are riding in the back of the car, Simmons brings up Sam’s Ebay account, and also the phone video he took of Bumblebee earlier in the week. Mikaela is rather unimpressed with Sam at the moment, probably because he’s gotten her arrested. She still tries to help him out though, because she really is just the nicest fucking person on the planet.

Alas, the combined efforts of these two teenagers isn’t enough to fool the long arm of the law, especially when it’s a branch of said law that deals with extraterrestrial activity. Simmons threatens to lock up these literal children for life if they don’t start talking. Mikaela isn’t taking the bait, so he goes after her father’s parole hearing instead.

Yep! As it turns out, Mikaela and her father stole cars to get by, and she’s got the record to back that claim up. Simmons calls her a criminal, then says that criminals are hot. Mikaela looks like she’s about to cry, and I don’t blame her in the slightest.

Optimus, I suppose because his dad senses were tingling, takes the opportunity to place his leg in the road for the car to run into, then grabs said car like an unruly cat and lifts it until the roof rips off due to stress. The agents in the other cars pile out and point their guns at the giant space robot. The rest of the Autobots quickly relieve them of their weapons.

Optimus notes that Simmons doesn’t seem surprised that a bunch of giant robots just took all his guys’ guns, and demands that he exit the vehicle, posthaste. Simmons obliges, after a bit more prodding. Mikaela undoes Sam’s handcuffs, and he gets fucking pissy about it, as if this girl he’s had a grand total of three (awkward) conversations with should have told him something as personal as “hey, so my dad’s in jail and I’ve been to juvenile detention.”

Luckily, she doesn’t let him get away with it, calling him out as the spoiled, self-centered, privileged little shithead that he is.

Of course, we don’t get any sort of real acknowledgement from Sam, having to move on with the plot. Perhaps, if we hadn’t spent the last hour and 20 minutes faffing about on drivel, we could have had Sam get an actual moment of self-reflection, and potentially even character growth. However, this is Bayverse, and everyone knows that personal accountability is for fucking sissies.

Mikaela and Sam ask several questions, but get no answers from Agent Simmons. And then Bumblebee pees on him.

I hate that I had to write that. I hate it very much.

Anyway, I don’t know why that had to happen, but it did, and I’m nothing if not thorough.

Optimus tells Bumblebee to cut it out, and with that the Sector Seven agents are cuffs and left on the side of the road. Mikaela orders Simmons to strip, as punishment for threatening her father, then cuffs him to a street lamp.

...Yes, that does sound like a bizarre sexual fantasy, doesn’t it?

Unfortunately for our teen heroes, they forgot to confiscate everyone’s phones, and Sector Seven knows what’s up, thanks to the power of speakerphone. More cars and a couple of helicopters show up basically immediately, and the Autobots decide it’s time to dip.

But not before Ironhide fires off a pulsewave into the ground that causes a five-car pileup.

Optimus, I suppose because he knows he chose a ridiculously flashy alt-mode that is in no way practical, just picks the kids up in and places them on his shoulder like a couple of parakeets, then takes up a leisurely jog to get away from the eyes in the sky. He runs through the city, racking up what is likely millions in property damage, as the helicopters pursue. He passes by a “Legalize LA” billboard, which feels odd to see, given what movie this is.

The ‘copters somehow manage to lose Optimus, despite him being relatively slow, and having a notable radiation level that they’ve been using to track him. He hides inside the scaffolding of a bridge, only for Mikaela and Sam to slip off of his polished body to their deaths, thus ending the film.

No, they don’t die. I just told another fib. I’m sorry.

Bumblebee snatches them up just before they hit the ground, the impact of his metal body catching them at 75 mph, killing them instantly and ending the film.

Nope, that doesn’t happen either.

Mikaela and Sam are fine, some-fucking-how, but Sam’s dropped the MacGuffin glasses. The helicopters swing back around, having noticed the sound of a car crashing into the ground and the screams of two whole adolescents. They break out a fucking harpoon gun and fire on our kid appeal character.

Repeatedly.

They wrap up Bumblebee in a series of cables, as he screams like a moose. Mikaela and Sam are held at gunpoint by what is honestly far too many dudes, and are then arrested for the second time in ten minutes. Bumblebee is smoked... because he’s a bee? Sam, not liking this one bit, finds the strength in his weenie body to push a cop off of himself, run at one of the dudes with the smoke guns, throw him to the ground, and then start smoking him. He’s immediately tackled, but points for trying.

Sam and Mikaela are placed back into custody, and the rest of the Autobots regroup with Optimus to see what the plan is. Optimus says that they can’t save Bumblebee without hurting humans, so I guess Bumblebee is just a POW now. Well, at least they got the glasses. That’s cool.

Back at the Pentagon, things are getting dicey, as the other world powers are starting to suspect that something’s up. The Secretary of Defense is approached by a man with a mustache and a briefcase. He’s from Sector Seven, but the Secretary gives not a fuck about mysterious organizations. All the computers in the room suddenly go down, the virus from earlier working its magic- only this time, the blackout is global.

Mr. Mustache opens his briefcase, while explaining that Sector Seven is something known as a “special access” sector of the government, which is why nobody’s ever heard of it; it’s beyond top secret. Commissioned by President Herbert Hoover 80 years prior, it deals with alien life.

When the Beagle 2 spacecraft was lost on the way to Mars in 2003, the mission was declared a failure. This was a lie. The Beagle 2 recorded several seconds of Mars before being crushed to death by a Transformer. This tidbit is pretty funny, given that the Beagle 2 was rediscovered on Mars in 2014, seven years after this film released. Not a terribly mysterious death anymore, is it?

Comparing the footage from Mars to the footage from Qatar has Sector Seven thinking that these are the same species. Which they are. God, it’d be so fucked up if there were two species of giant robots in this film.

Mr. Mustache theorizes that because the Transformers now know that they can be harmed by human weaponry, they’re being proactive about their safety and shutting down all forms of communication technology with that virus that keeps popping up. It’s only a matter of time before the shit hits the fan for humanity.

Mr. Secretary tells his guys to try going analog with comms, breaking out the short-wave radios, to tell their ships to return home.

Over at an Air Force base, Lennox and the gang have landed, only to be scooped up by a bunch of dudes in suits.

Back with Maddie and Glen, the two of them have fallen asleep in the interrogation room, Maddie still wearing her friggin’ four inch pumps as her legs are propped up on the table, crossed in a way that seems rather uncomfortable. Glen gets to sleep like a normal human being, with his head resting on his forearms. Why this place doesn’t have a holding cell for these situations is beyond me.

Mr. Secretary comes in to bring Maddie on as his advisor. Glen can come too, I guess, considering he’s the one who actually figured out the sound file virus.

We get a little military glorification, and then it’s revealed that Mikaela and Sam, as well as Maddie and Glen, are aboard this helicopter. Their paths cross at last. Our heroes are transported to the Hoover Dam, where Bumblebee is also. They are still smoking him.

Meanwhile, the Autobots are figuring out where to go, with the power of Archibald’s glasses. Ratchet, who I guess is omnipotent, senses that the Decepticons have also figured out the location, and that this is going to be a race against the clock. And I mean, he’s right, but the phrasing is a bit odd.

Jazz wants to know when they’re going to save Bumblebee. Optimus says that they aren’t, and that Bumblebee’s sacrifice is noble, and that he would want the Autobots to leave him and complete the mission. As this is said, we get another shot of Bumblebee getting smoked and trapped in a lab. Yep, this is totally what he would want. He absolutely signed up for this, giving himself up to the government and not at all fighting like mad to not be captured.

I don’t think Bayverse Optimus actually knows what martyrdom is, which is bizarre, given that it’s a major trait in a lot of other iterations of the character.

Ironhide isn’t even sure why they’re bothering to save humanity, given that humans are violent and awful, his point being hammered home as Bumblebee is tortured for scientific reasons. Ironhide seems to have forgotten that Cybertron has been at war for literally millions of years. Optimus has faith in humanity, however, stating that we’re “young”.

And then he says that he’s going to end his own race, by destroying the Cube™, which is how they reproduce, because that’s the only way to end the war.

Which is arguably one of the most hardcore fictional applications of eugenics ever conceived.

Being advocated for by Optimus Goddamn Prime.

We still have another 50 minutes of this movie.

Optimus then proves that he does, in fact, know what self-sacrifice is, stating that, if all else fails, he’ll shove the AllSpark into his spark, which will destroy them both. He’s pretty chill about it, too.

Up on top of the Hoover Dam, Frenzy has fallen out of Mikaela’s bag.

Mr. Secretary is also at the Hoover Dam now, as is Lennox’s team. Oh, and Agent Simmons, who is thankfully wearing pants. He offers to buy Sam a coffee, as repartitions for threatening his family, arresting him, and being a complete creep to a teenage girl. Sam gives not a fuck about caramel macchiatos with extra foam and chocolate drizzle, however. He only cares about his car.

Mr. Mustache, who is also here, needs Sam to spill the beans on all these friggin’ giant robots that are running around. This is where Sam realizes he has the upper hand for once, and he starts making demands. One such demand is having Mikaela’s record scrubbed clean, which is an actually very nice thing for him to have done for her. We’ll see if his intent comes to fruition. For now, it’s time to talk about Bumblebee.

We get a shot of all these folks heading into the secret base hidden inside the Hoover Dam, and it’s at this point that I notice that Maddie’s shirt is basically see-through.

Inside the Dam, we see that Sector Seven′s been keeping Megatron this entire time, keeping him neutralized with cryo-stasis since 1935. Cryopreservation was invented in the 50′s. This isn’t a nitpick, I just thought it was a neat little fact.

Megatron being on Earth has resulted in most modern technology. This sort of plot point always bothers me, because it takes away agency from the entire human race. We didn’t use our own ingenuity and work ethic to advance society, we plagiarized from a more advanced species. I dunno, it just rubs me the wrong way.

We get the part of the movie where info is hashed out, so that everyone is on the same page, Sam spouting off Autobot propaganda. We can forgive him for this,considering he’s 16, and no one is immune to propaganda, especially when they have zero way of doing their own research to form their own opinion with.

Sector Seven also has the AllSpark, kept in the room next to Megatron’s, like the chumps they will soon find themselves to be. It’s about ten stories tall and the reason the Hoover Dam exists. With so much concrete suppressing its alien energies, surely no one will ever find it!

Except for Frenzy, who came in through a mouse hole. Whoopsie-doodle!

The AllSpark zaps the nasty little man, restoring his body with its weird MacGuffin powers. Frenzy tells all his coworkers that he found what they were looking for, and everyone starts heading over.

Maddie asks Mr. Mustache what exactly he means by “energies”, perhaps worried that this whole thing has been some elaborate ploy to get her to invest in magic healing stones. Mr. Mustache brings everyone into a testing chamber, since the best way to explain how the AllSpark works is through a demonstration.

There’s a big fish tank in the middle of this testing chamber, in which Agent Simmons places a donated device from the crowd- Glen’s Nokia phone, specifically. Simmons makes a geologically-confused comment. When this is pointed out by Maddie, Mr. Secretary hushes her, simply saying that Simmons is a strange man. The tank is locked down, and then the show starts.

Cube™ energies are shot into the tank, and the phone explodes into life, transforming into a gorilla-shaped gremlin creature. Happy birthday, little dude!

Little dude starts shooting at the tank walls, cracking the glass until Simmons pulls the trigger and ends it. Happy deathday, little dude!

The Decepticons are making tracks towards the Hoover Dam, but Starscream- yeah, he’s in this now, don’t worry about it- arrives first, because he is a very fast jet. He transforms, showing off his ridiculous Dorito body, and fires on the base’s generators. The resulting explosions can be heard all the way down in the testing chamber, and Mr. Mustache calls upstairs to see what’s up. Looks like Megatron may be getting warmed up, seeing as his ice bath has been cut off. Lennox asks if there’s an arms room in Sector Seven, which sort of feels like asking a bakery if they have any flour.

Frenzy has entered the room that houses the controls for the cryo-stasis and set that whole system to “no, thank you”.

Mr. Mustache runs through the base, screaming for everyone to get to the Megatron chamber. Off in the distance, the Autobots approach. Could probably used some fliers on your team, huh Optimus?

Back with Frenzy, he’s decided to just straight-up raise Megatron’s core temperature directly. Hope he doesn’t do it too fast; rewarming hypothermia victims recklessly can do some serious damage.

Outside of the base, Lennox and the boys are loading up with weaponry, along with what’s the entirety of Sector Seven′s cannon-fodder department. Oh, and all the main cast. Yep, just got a couple of teenagers chillin’ in the munitions room.

Sam wants Simmons to take him to his car- he hasn’t used Bumblebee’s name in a hot minute, not sure what’s up with that- even though Simmons is currently busy loading a very large gun. Simmons doesn’t want to do that, because he’s got no idea if what Sam mentioned earlier is even true, and he doesn’t want to pin the fate of humanity on a single Camaro. Lennox takes this opportunity to tackle Simmons, despite likely not knowing that Bumblebee is one of the “good guys”. A Sector Seven guy very much doesn’t like that, and points a gun at Lennox, which prompts all of his guys to also start threatening folks with guns.

Mr. Mustache walks in on the scene, but doesn’t do anything, since he isn’t armed and knows better than to tangle with someone who’s packing. Simmons tries to intimidate Lennox, because he must have missed the day of boot camp where they tell you that guns kill people. Lennox is fully committed to shooting this dude in the lungs before Mr. Secretary suggests he give the people what they want, before things get ugly.

Simmons takes everyone to the robot torture department of Sector Seven, where they are still smoking Bumblebee. Geez, you’d think they’d have something in place for if they ever came across another giant robot after Megatron, but I guess not. The gang gets everyone to stop smoking Bumblebee, which allows him to stop moose-screaming and strongly consider murdering everyone involved with his forced captivity. Unfortunately, revenge with have to wait, as we’ve still got to deal with the AllSpark, and the fact that the Decepticons are here.

They take Bumblebee to the AllSpark, where he makes direct contact the thing, causing the AllSpark to transform, compacting itself down into a far more reasonable size that Bumblebee can carry in one hand. It doesn’t seem to weigh more than a grown adult, if his body language is saying anything. I’d make a joke about the conservation of mass being ignored, but since this is Transformers, I can’t really say much. Conservation of mass doesn’t exist for this franchise.

Bumblebee would really like to get this show on the road, and Lennox agrees, quickly formulating a plan to get away from Megatron and taking the AllSpark to Mission City, which is relatively close to their current location, so that they can hide it there.

Lennox, I know this plan is a first draft, and we don’t have a ton of time for revisions, but the whole point of building a whole-ass dam around the Cube™ was because it was very difficult to hide, given its magical MacGuffin powers. Regardless of this flaw, Mr. Secretary agrees. Lennox also asks that the Air Force be involved in this, I guess because the U.S. military wanted more screentime.

Of course, that whole “global blackout” thing is still going on, so we’re going to have to get creative with how we’re going to contact the Air Force. Mr. Secretary and Simmons make a break for the WWII-era radio Sector Seven has, while Lennox and the boys head out to shoot things, and Mikaela and Sam hop into Bumblebee with the Cube™.

This is about the point that Megatron wakes up. The first thing he does is introduce himself, which I thought was very polite of him. Then he breaks out his flail and starts bashing shit around. Not so polite, that.

Over with Bumblebee, we’re shown that the AllSpark, all-powerful object that can create life and is the whole reason this conflict is even happening, is just chillin’ in the back seat by itself. It’s not even buckled up.

Megatron escapes the base, and it’s actually super easy. He just transforms, goes through the tunnel, and he’s free. I feel like we could have at least attempted some security measures for in case the cryo-stasis failed, given that we’ve had this dude in containment for the last 70-something years, but okay.

Starscream comes over to say hi to his boss, not that Megatron gives a shit. He just wants to know where that fucking Cube™ is. When Starscream tells him that the humans have it, Megatron makes a comment about how Starscream has failed him yet again. This is their first interaction in this movie, and Starscream’s been in the story for a grand total of five minutes at this point. I know that this is a reference to their dynamic in just about every installment of the franchise up to this point, but it doesn’t feel earned in the slightest. Even if it’s going to be expanded upon in future sequels, this is a shit-tier way to set their (awful) relationship up.

Not that anyone should ever bank on getting a sequel anyway, but that’s a discussion for another time.

Megatron tells Starscream to retrieve the AllSpark, and then we cut over to the radio plotline. The radio, which is so cobweb-covered I feel like Sector Seven needs to have a serious discussion with their custodial staff, has its nobs and buttons fiddled with by Simmons until it crackles to life. But where are the microphones? Everyone starts looking for the mics, as Simmons pushes Glen into the seat, I guess because hacking modern computers and using Depression-era radio tech are similar enough.

Maddie asks Glen if he can hotwire a 90′s-era computer to transmit a tone through the radio, so that they can send a Morse code message to the Air Force. Which sounds ridiculous to me, but I don’t know enough about radios or computers to know if that sort of thing would be possible. Maybe it’s fine. Or maybe it’s Hollywood bullshit. Who knows?

Back over with Bumblebee, we get a bunch of car commercial shots, of both him and the other Autobots. Aww, the gang’s back together again! Nobody tell Bumblebee that Optimus was completely cool with leaving him to his fate.

Optimus and the gang whip around to join the convoy, and everyone makes their way towards Mission City.

Back at the radio subplot, someone’s bangin’ on the door, trying to get in. The others try to block the intruder, while Glen does his hacking stuff. Mr. Secretary breaks a case and pulls out a gun that’s about as old as he is.

Glen gets the computer working, and Mr. Secretary gives him the Super Secret Military Codewords™ to use to talk to the Air Force. While he does that, Simmons finds a flamethrower and starts burning Frenzy as he attempts to enter the room. The Air Force receives the message for an air strike. Oh, goody.

Over with the convoy, it appears that the Autobots and Lennox’s boys are being pursued by the Decepticons. It’s difficult to tell, seeing as the cameras have gone full Bay-mode, but I’m guessing that’s what’s up. One of the Decepticons flips over a minivan, likely killing a family of five. another causes a multi-car pileup.

Bonecrusher transforms, then Optimus transforms. Bonecrusher iceskates across the highway, slamming into a bus so hard it just straight-up explodes. He is on fire. He tackles Optimus, and they proceed to fall off the side of the raised highway they’re on. Then they beat the shit out of each other, until Optimus decapitates Bonecrusher with his arm-sword.

Yeah, space dad is a little intense in the Bayverse.

Back at Sector Seven, Frenzy’s decided to leave the door alone, and instead is crawling through the ventilation shaft. Mr. Secretary and Simmons fire off shots into the duct above them, as if bullets would do anything against this nasty little pile of needles.

Frenzy bursts through the bottom of the duct and crash-lands into a glass case, taking cover behind a pillar and fires on the humans on the other side of the room. While this shootout is happening, Glen receives a response from the Air Force, just in time for Frenzy to accidentally decapitate himself with one of his own spinning blades of death. This time, he does not survive losing his head.

The Air Force will be sending fighter planes to Mission City, and to establish this, we get several shots of what some might call “military porn.”

Over in the city, the convoy has arrived. Lennox hands several short-wave radios over to Epps, telling him to use them to direct the Air Force when they arrive, so they can take the AllSpark... somewhere, I guess. Above, an F-22 zooms across the sky. It is not one of the Air Force’s F-22s.

Ironhide recognizes Starscream, and gets ready to throw down. Bumblebee grabs a nearby Furby truck and hoists it up to use as a shield. This marginally works, as the missile that hits the truck doesn’t immediately kill him, though it probably did all those Furbies inside.

The resulting explosion throws all the humans around, Mikaela getting weird heaven lighting as she lies unconscious on the pavement. Sam gets it too, though, so I suppose I can’t complain too much about this particular shot. They touch hands. I really wish that I could take this moment of vulnerability as being anything other than an attempt to set up a romance between these two teens who have known each other for maybe half a week. This movie has so starved me of genuine human interaction I'm jumping at the smallest of scraps.

Bumblebee actually didn’t get out of that missile-strike unscathed, his legs having been blown off. All those Furbies died for nothing. Tragic. Sam asks Bumblebee if he’s alright, and immediately tells him to get up. Sam then remembers that Bumblebee’s legs are off, so he yells for Ratchet.

Over with Lennox and Epps, they’ve realized that the plane they saw wasn’t one of theirs. Which, you know, has already been established, but points for getting caught up, fellas. Sam is crying and still telling Bumblebee to get up. Bumblebee is dragging himself across the pavement and whimpering. It’s awful. Where the fuck is Ratchet? This is basically the only reason he’s in this film, and he’s nowhere to be found.

The actual Air Force calls on the radio, asking for their location. Brawl, who is a tank, starts firing on Lennox’s gang. Jazz and Ratchet race through the city streets. How they were separated from the rest of the team is anyone’s guess.

Sam takes a little sit on the pavement to be with Bumblebee, while Mikaela decides to problem-solve and heads for a nearby tow truck. Bumblebee hands Sam the Cube™ because, as the designated protagonist, it’s his job to handle it in the climax of the film.

Ironhide is shot at several times by Brawl, narrowly avoiding being hit each time. This, of course, means that the people he drives by in this shot are almost assuredly dead, since they’re right next to the explosions. He transforms and does a flip, as the film goes slow-mo on a shot of a woman in a low-cut dress watching him flip. She screams. Ironhide screams. I scream, though probably for a different reason.

Jazz jumps on Brawl, managing to kick off a couple pieces of kibble before Brawl grabs him and throws him into the side of a building. Ironhide, Optimus, and Ratchet descend on Brawl, and so does Lennox’s team, Brawl losing a hand and getting thrown into his own building as a result.

Mikaela breaks into the tow truck and starts to hotwire that shit. Wow, a relevant back story that culminates in her being able to save the day, thus completing her arc and staying on-theme for her character. Why isn’t Mikaela the protagonist again?

Oh, right, because ~girl~.

Megatron lands in a nearby alleyway, and Ratchet, knowing this dude is bad news, tells everyone to head for the hills. Jazz isn’t fast enough, however, and gets shot for his troubles.

Mikaela drives the truck over to Sam, who is still sitting there with the Cube™, and tells him to get his ass in gear.

Jazz gets taken to the top of a nearby building and is ripped in two by Megatron, who acts like a bird of prey the whole sequence. Down on the ground, Brawl is starting to get back up from his smackdown. Blackout appears on a nearby skyscraper. Things are looking grim for humanity.

Mikaela and Sam hook Bumblebee up to the tow line as Lennox approaches them. Sam has left the AllSpark out of his line of sight, like a fool. Despite seeing this, Lennox still gives him the flare to let the military know where to pick up the AllSpark. Doesn’t even acknowledge Mikaela. He tells Sam to head for the white building with statues on top of it and set the flare on top of the roof. Lennox can’t leave his men, because he’s the head of his operation. Why he can’t send literally anyone else who isn’t a 16 year-old boy isn’t made clear.

Sam really doesn’t want to do this, probably because he’s a child, but Lennox has recruited him to the military against his will, so he must. Lennox then attempts to make Mikaela leave for her own good, but she tells him to fuck off, because she’s gonna save Bumblebee. Clearly, this is a win for feminism.

Epps radios the choppers coming from the Air Force to let them know they’ll be picking up a package from a teenager, thus locking Sam into the job. Ironhide and Ratchet vow to protect Sam from the Decepticons on his way to the pickup point. Not one single person has pointed out how fucked up this is.

Sam starts to run off, when Mikaela stops him to let him know that she’s glad she got in the car with him roughly an hour ago. They don’t kiss goodbye, which, honestly? Good. This fucking movie hasn’t earned that. Sam for sure hasn’t earned that, even if he did clear her juvie record. No word on that having actually been done, by the way. Sam never got confirmation, and I feel like he’s not really the type to follow up on things.

Brawl fires off some shots and makes things explode. Ratchet and Ironhide provide cover fire as Sam sprints down the road. Yep, they’re making this idiot WALK to the pickup point. Sure hope the elevators are working today, otherwise this is going to take forever.

Sam carries the AllSpark like a football, and in a better movie, this would have been foreshadowed by Sam having actually been a football player prior to the events of the film, perhaps removed from the team for some character flaw he’s since grown from/accepted. However, this is Bayverse, and well, men don’t have to justify their existence in the story with things like themes and having even an ounce of thought put into their character.

Back with Mikaela, Lennox has refused to learn her name, calling her “girl” as he screams at her to get Bumblebee hooked up to the tow truck. Which she was already doing when he got here. Lennox, dude, you’ve got a daughter now, you’re super extra not allowed to treat women like this.

Optimus Prime pulls through an alleyway and crashes into a pile of garbage. I can forgive him being late, seeing as he is a big rig, and probably had to take the long way into town so he didn’t get stuck in too-low tunnels. Don’t worry about how we briefly saw him during the Brawl take-down. This is his for real entrance into the climax.

He whips around and transforms, ready to throw the fuck down. Megatron spots him from his perch and descends.

Y’know.

Like a vast, predatory bird.

Megatron shoots at Optimus in his alt-mode, and Optimus catches him like a frisbee. Unfortunately for Optimus, it would appear that the horsepower on a Cybertronian flightcraft is hella intense, and he’s carried away. The two of them crash through an office building, then roll around in the streets punching each other in the face, debating the worth of humanity as they do so. Wish I actually gave a shit about either of these people, but alas! The film spent most of its runtime objectifying women and insulting minorities. I know nothing about Optimus, and even less about Megatron.

Megatron transforms his arms into a laser gun, and Optimus does the same. They shoot at each other. Optimus gets thrown into a building, then lands on the sidewalk below, definitely crushing a dude underneath him, but I guess we didn’t check that the shot was clear for where the CGI was gonna go, so he’s fine.

Sam’s still running through the streets, while Blackout murders, like, so many people behind him. Starscream lands in front of Sam, running into roughly 30 cars as he skids to a halt. Ratchet and Ironhide fire on him, as Sam takes a breather behind a car. Starscream transforms and blasts off. He was here for about 15 seconds. Sam begins running again.

Megatron is now following Sam, because he wants that Cube™. Sam is hit by a car- not an evil one, just a regular car- and trips. The impact makes the AllSpark activate, which grants several machines in the vicinity the gift of life, including the car full of bitchy women that just hit Sam, who are upset that hitting a human being might have scratched the paint.

I get it, you hate women, can we PLEASE stop beating this dead horse?

Sam finally gets to the pickup building, which turns out to be abandoned and fenced off. Good thing the gate was open, otherwise things could get really complicated. He heads inside, Megatron crashing through a floor-to-ceiling window shortly behind him. Megatron makes the claim that he can smell where Sam is. I’m going to choose to believe that he isn’t lying here, since Ratchet did something similar earlier.

Sam finds the stairs, and Megatron calls him a slur.

He doesn’t, really, but the voice modulation certainly makes it sound that way.

While this is happening, Mikaela is driving the tow truck down an alley, dragging Bumblebee behind her with the tow cable. She stops for a moment to have a short breakdown, seeing as she is a teenager in what is currently a warzone.

Sam is still running up the stairs. Outside, the military shoots at one of the Decepticons. It is, of course, doing absolutely nothing to the giant metal space robot. Mikaela concludes her moment, looking back at Bumblebee, who gives her the okay to keep going with dragging his ass across the pavement. She whips the truck around and tells Bumblebee “I’ll drive, you shoot.”

Mikaela then proceeds to speed down a main road of this sizable city backwards, running into cars and more or less shoving Bumblebee along to his destination.

The military has finally realized that their efforts have been pointless, but it’s okay because Bumblebee is here with his superior firepower. Bumblebee proceeds to shoot Brawl in the chest, which kills him. After this, he tries to act cute, lifting up his battle mask in a very “did I do that?” way, as if he’s not the same guy who ripped Barricade apart earlier.

Sam, meanwhile, has finally reached the top of this dilapidated building. Helicopters are approaching his location, but will they make it to him before Megatron does? Honestly, I’d be more worried about Starscream on the building just due East.

Sam is just about to hand the AllSpark over, when Starscream fires at the ‘copter, causing it to crash and nearly chop Sam to pieces. Optimus Prime runs towards the scene, on a roof that I refuse to believe could actually support him. Megatron punches thought the roof from the bottom and asks Sam some philosophical questions. Sam can’t answer, given that he’s hiding on the edge of this building, his flimsy grip on one of the angel statues being the only thing keeping him from falling.

Megatron tells him to give him the AllSpark, and in exchange he might not kill him immediately. Sam tells him to fuck off, and Megatron flails the chunk of building he was hanging on to, causing Sam to fall to his death, thus ending the film.

I’m lying to you. Michael Bay is making me into a liar.

No, Sam is, instead, caught by Optimus, very likely breaking several ribs on impact. This is the point where I realize that they’ve given Optimus fingernails. Sam clings to him like a baby koala, as Optimus parkours down the sides of two buildings, Megatron in pursuit. Megatron actually lands on Optimus 2/3rds of the way down, causing the both of them to fall onto the pavement below. How Sam survives this is a mystery.

Megatron recovers from the fall first, flicking a human away from him for having the audacity to exist in his space. The flicked person hits a car, and is almost assuredly dead. At least, I sure hope so, given that this is the director cameo by the Bayman himself.

Feminist icon Megatron?

Feminist icon Megatron.

Optimus comments on the fact that Sam almost fucking died to get the AllSpark out of dodge, and we get the return of “No Sacrifice, No Victory”. Which, I mean, I guess he’s allowed to say that, since he’s actually had to do something that warranted it. His dad doesn’t get to, though.

Optimus then tells this teenage boy, who has already had a hell of a day, to kill him by shoving the AllSpark into his robot-soul-heart, should he be unable to defeat Megatron.

I dunno, I just feel like it’s a bit of an ask.

Sam climbs off of Optimus so the Prime and Megatron can rumble. He runs through the ruined infrastructure of the city, so he’s less likely to be crushed. Optimus tells Megatron to square the fuck up, stating that “one shall stand, one shall fall.”

Then he gets ragdolled around a bunch, so maybe he should have saved the talk for later in the game.

The military is running around some more, stopping in an alley to see Blackout transform to root mode. Yes, the goo-goo eyes were indeed made by several members of the watch party that started this whole thing. People went wild for Rotor-Cape Johnson.

The fighter jets from the US military are arriving in a minute. Epps warns them to aim for the robots that aren’t evil. Lennox and the gang spread out, reminding each other to aim for the underboob, since Transformers’ armor is weak there. Epps marks Blackout with a little green light, which Blackout almost immediately notices. Blackout fires on the military.

Lennox has stolen a motorcycle and is driving through the streets to circle back around and jump off of the bike, sliding on his back to shoot Blackout directly in his underboob. Wonder what his uniform is rated for for road rash.

Sam is watching as Optimus gets his ass handed to him. Up in the sky, Starscream commits identity theft, and then attacks the Air Force. The Air Force can multitask however, and light Megatron the fuck up. Sam has, for some reason, come out of hiding, and Megatron uses this to his advantage, trying to take the AllSpark from him.

Optimus tells Sam to put the AllSpark in his chest, but Sam has a better idea. He shoves it into Megatron’s chest, which has been basically shot open at this point. Megatron makes a Space Invader noise, convulses a bit, then falls over dead.

Congrats on your first murder, Sam.

Optimus tells Megatron’s corpse that he got what was coming to him, then implies that they’re brothers. What flavor of brother isn’t established, but neither was basically anything between the two main faces of the franchise in this film, so it’s fine.

Ironhide walks up holding the two halves of Jazz. Optimus informs Sam that he now has a life-debt to this child. Whether or not Sam is absorbing any information at this point is up in the air. Mikaela shows up, with Bumblebee in tow.

In tow.

In tow-

Sam stares at her blankly. Mikaela stares back, making the pretty girl face. Man, what a great dynamic these two have.

Jazz is dead. That sucks. Optimus is handed his corpse to hold, while he thanks his new friends for helping out.

Then Bumblebee talks and he’s fucKING BRITISH.

Sam is obviously shocked by the fact that Bumblebee is British able to talk now, since not talking has been his whole thing up to this point. Optimus doesn’t let it phase him. Neither does Ratchet, despite having been working on Bumblebee’s throat injury for centuries at this point.

Bumblebee wants to stay on Earth with Sam. Optimus is just like whatever. Sam agrees to have a sweet Camaro from outer space.

Optimus pulls what is left of the AllSpark out of Megatron’s chest. I’m sure that’s not a setup for potential conflicts, not in the slightest.

Over in Washington, D.C., the US President has ordered Sector Seven be terminated, and all the Transformer corpses be disposed of. And by “disposed of” they mean “thrown into the ocean.” Dang, sure hope Earth signed some sort of agreement with the Transformers so that they never come to Earth again. You know, just be proactive about our galactic safety.

The Linkin Park kicks on, as Optimus gives us our bookend narration, telling us what the Autobots plan to do now that their race is at a genological dead end. As he does, we see Lennox reunite with his wife and child, who I had genuinely forgotten were in this movie.

Optimus is pretty chill with Cybertron dying out, because now they know about Earth. We get a shot of Sam and Mikaela making out, a shot that becomes more and more horrifying the further they zoom out, because they’re making out on top of Bumblebee. Who they KNOW is a sentient creature at this point.

And then it gets even worse, because the shot changes, and oh hey! Turns out that the rest of the Autobots were just chillin’ off to the side while this went down. Optimus continues his monologue, just walking around in his root mode as he tells all of Makeout Point how they’re “robots in disguise” now.

The monologue is actually a transmission he’s sending out into space, inviting any of his leftover pals to come kick it on Earth with them, because Earth is pretty cool.

And that’s where they leave us.

IT TOOK THREE PEOPLE TO WRITE THIS SCHLOCK.

So. Bayverse 1. A film showcasing xenophobia, misogyny, and toxic nationalism. It’s rough. Is it the worst film I’ve ever seen? Not even close, but it’s bad, and it was a huge deal at the time of release. Everyone was seeing it, everyone knew the actors and robots, everyone had a scene that they liked. Everyone was exposed to Bayverse, and as a result, a lot of people entered the Transformers franchise thinking that it was all like this.

And really, how far off would they have been in 2007?

When a franchise refuses to introduce female characters until years after being established, when all those female characters have the exact same body type, when a franchise hires misogynists to write stories, when it allows shit like “Prime’s Rib!” to be published- no wonder Michael Bay was approached to direct.

What a mess.

--------------------------

COMING SOON:

TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN (2009) - MEGAN FOX I AM SO FUCKING SORRY

TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON (2011) - WILL YOU JUST STAY DEAD

TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION (2014) - SHUT UP ABOUT THE LAW SHUT UP ABOUT THE LAW

TRANSFORMERS: THE LAST KNIGHT (2017) - ACTUALLY, FUCK CONTINUITY

[cannotescape]

Gretchen's experiment is unsociological, actually

I'll try to explain to the best of my ability why Gretchen's experiment feels so off. Spoilers: it's because it's dumb af and could never have happened in real life. Let's begin!

Before anything, I would like to state that yeah, I'm aware that Gretchen's experiment is meant to be flawed because she's a villain, and the show wants to drive the point home. Were there subtler ways to do it without making her completely idiotic? Maybe. But I would have accepted it if the show hadn't try to pass this experiment as sociological, when it just... isn't.

Why the experiment couldn't have happened in real life:

- the funding: it's well known: getting grants to fund your research project is hell, especially in humanities or social science, where private investors can't make money on your results lol. So Gretchen being able to conduct not one, but probably two experiments on an island? excuse me while I laugh

ok to be fair, the funding is kinda explained: she obviously managed to convince private investors (but even that isn't really explained yet like... what did she promise them? that the results would be good for them? that they could use the results for their own interest? <== all of these are unsociological. you can't predict the results and absolutely can't convince someone of what results you're gonna get before the experiment even starts wtf).

- the ethics: like we all know this shit isn't legal anyway, but let's pretend it is for a minute. Is it ethical? the answer couldn't be more obvious. Why is it important in the sociological field though? Ethics in science has been an ongoing issue: how to treat the test subjects obviously, but also how people could use the results your research produces (hi Oppenheimer!). Among social science and humanities disciplines, sociological studies (and psychological studies) are more likely to be unethical, because you're directly studying humans and human interactions.

More and more ethical committees are created in universities and you can be sure that Gretchen's experiment wouldn't have been approved (is it why she's been fired in the first place?). Actually, having Gretchen be independant from any university kinda helps to remove the ethical question from the equation: she doesn't have to be approved by her peers ==> she can do all the unethical shit she wants and hurts young girls. great.

That being said, and because sociological studies are at risk of being unethical, we learn pretty early on how to make our studies ethical. the first rule being: you have to inform the participants in the study that they're being studied lol. you can't just go behind their back and do everything you want. And yeah, it can make them more suspicious and their behavior may change, but if you're a good sociologist, this is something you can analyze! First rule of sociology: everything is worth noticing. And after a while (or if your poll has a lot of respondents), the discrepencies disappear anyway. Also a very important thing: as a researcher, you're not here to help people or make them feel better (or worse for that matter), you're here to observe and draw conclusions. You have to try and have as little influence on the experiment as possible.

obviously, Gretchen failed all those rules. The "they're on their own" speech doesn't hold up because she influenced the study from the start by choosing the girls, which leads us to...

- the sample: this is probably the dumbest thing in the experiment lmao. Because... what is Gretchen trying to prove? that women are essentially better rulers than men or can create a better society if they're left by themselves (feel free to correct me on this one. my brain mysteriously shut down each time Gretchen started to talk). For one, removing girls from a patriarchal society won't make them forget what's been ingrained in them for years and how society has built them to begin with. As teenage girls, the unsinkable 8 have already suffered from primary (their family) AND secondary socialization (school, friends etc.) Their behavior, personality and aspiration in life have been altered by society, and we actually see it in the show! Removing them now and acting like what they're doing is in no way linked to the way society shaped them is???? astounding.

Side note but a scientifically better (but even more horrific) experiment would have been a group of girls, separated from the rest of society at birth, with the unsinkable 8 as a group control.

Even more ridiculous than that: Gretchen is trying to prove this... with 8 american girls... who obviously haven't been chosen at random... like... there's no way a real sociologist would do this. We learn in first year that we need to choose our analysis tools and our samples based on what we want to analyze. You want to analyze how patriarchy affect women and want to universalize your result? You can't choose qualitative tools, you'll have to use quantitative analysis lmao. And with a big fucking sample at that, a sample chosen randomly to display sub-groups if you want it to be representative. I'm talking thousands of people if it's only US centric. 8 fucking girls lol, give me a break.

To be fair, qualitative and quantitative works often complete each other, but Gretchen never mentions any quantitative analysis so I will take this as just another proof of her incompetence.

- Gretchen's theory: her theory itself is unsociological. It sounds a lot like essentialism which is... the opposite of sociology. Sociologists try to find social explanations (and not psychological or biophysical reasons) to an event or a behavior.

As stated, sociologists rarely try to prove things. They observe a phenomenon and ask themselves what could have caused it. One of the first things to do before a study is actually listing all the biases you could have about the subject (Durkheim's "prénotions") and letting them go or at least be aware of them so it won't hinder the results you could potentially find. The observation must be as impartial and non-judgemental as possible. In the show, Gretchen's prénotions are in full play: we live in a patriarchal society (this one is true, but you have to question it all the same), and women are better leaders than men. ==> unsociological

Again, I would have found the experiment part annoying but wouldn't have complained too much if the writers hadn't made it clear that they were trying to portray a sociological experiment lol. It was confirmed in an interview and the "field notes" are pretty telling. Actually, the field notes are a better sociological study than Gretchen's experiment, how sad. Beyond that, the method used by the characters in the show is also inspired by the sociological method:

- (so called) passive observation with the team watching and monitoring the girls from afar (but the team is still interfering so...)

- direct participative observation in Jeanette's case: you observe and take field notes while being immersed in the subjects' environement. Nora is doing this too actually: she's writing clear social facts in her notebook. "No one's cried for a while. No one even seems that afraid anymore. Still, it's been healing for some." This is sociological

- semi structured interviews in the bunker. They're probably the most sociological part of the experiment tbh. Ironic considering Faber is a psychologist but whatever. Toni's interview is the most representative of what a semi structured sociological interview looks like: the non-judgemental questions ("Why does seeing that make you smile?"), the follow-ups when the answer is unclear or could be more precise ("I'm wondering if you can expand on "cocktease"?"), the specific questions on what a subject thinks of a specific event and why they're thinking it in the first place without making assumptions ("Were any of you alarmed by Leah's behavior?"). It doesn't last long. When Toni answers evasively and doesn't cooperate, Faber drops the sociology charade: "It sounds to me like it was a pretty unsettling loss of control" lololol. neutrality who? You can also point out that something the subject said is at odds with something usually accepted, to better understand how they justify it (like when Faber says that Toni's "alone is safer" is not "the conventional wisdom"). All of this is sociological. Too bad the experiment is not. This interview is also a far cry from what Faber is doing to Leah in episode 6 (and there's 0 value to the "data" he pulled actually, sorry Gretchen).

- the fucking control group. It is a sociological tool. I know for a fact it won't be used well, for the same reasons the sample was a joke.

I don't know, I find it frustrating that the show is clearly trying to show Gretchen's experiment as flawed, while keeping a veneer of scientificity to hide behind. Gretchen is not, and could never be a sociologist,.

[bxllafanficc]

¡Skate/sing your hearts out! (Yuri Plisetsky x reader)

(Part two)

Part two. Part one Part three Part four part five

Summary: After last year's cancellation of Figure Skating Grand Prix, Yuri Plisetsky finds himself unable to bring out his inner skater after a year of doing nothing but enjoy life like a regular teenager. That's when you enter the picture; We Are Voice Grand Awards's currently hottest competitive vocalist come first place two years in a row. Just like the other competitors of Grand Prix, it turns out that Victor and Yuuri faces the same issue. With an arrangement between Victor and Yakov, they agree to travel to Japan and hire you as a mutual coach for Yuri and Yuuri to help bring back the emotion into their performances like before, maybe even more intense than ever. Yuri however, who's never experienced issues with his coaches before, for some reason finds this one particularly difficult to coexist along with in their (reasonably) odd partnership. Warnings: none

*Your POV*

There. All set and done. You took a last look at the pair of eyes staring back at you in the full body mirror. Your hair all dried up with a blowdrier and a pair of white jeans along with your favorite leather jacket. A grey turtleneck on that and that was the outfit for today. Keeping it classy since Victor failed to cancel the meeting with the press a couple of hours from now. 'A big hoodie would've been the ideal alternative though' you thought and sighed. Nowadays it's all about keeping it as simple yet kind of professional for every day. Social media were all star struck about the world's latest announcement. 'Winner of this year's Grand Prix senior division goes on a tour with none other than the (y/n) (l/n)!' The newspapers were first out as usual thanks to the reporters crowding her personal space since two weeks from now since the news came out. A collaboration between a figure skating competition and a competition for vocalists. You never saw that coming but you could see the appeal. The currently hottest male skater along with a popular female singer, fighting for the spotlight even though they're sharing it evenly. Him with his skills and she with her voice. You agreed to participating when asked, of course. It was a great opportunity and experience. And currently you sought out every great possibility at the market right now. That's what lead you here.

You made your way out the room you were staying in and headed towards the dining area in deep thoughts. 'So that's Yuri Plisetsky up close?' You thought as you passed the living room. You entered the dining area and stood still at the entrance to take in the scene before you. Yuri Plisetsky is sitting at the dining table with his back facing you. Beside him with his side profile turned at your direction is coach Yakov who's chatting with Victor and Yuuri opposite of the table. Yuri is not talking. He's busy eating a dish called the pork cutlet bowl, you assumed. You had never tried one before but the dish was all too familiar thanks to the last Grand Prix competition on Yuuri Katsuki's behalf. You eyed Yuri carefully and entered the room. He's a little shorter than what was given away on television but other than that, very much the boy you'd seen competing time to time. His skating was without doubt impressive to say the least. His jumps were always perfect as expected and his upper body movements in beat to the music. Though, you always deemed something missing in his already amazing performances. Expression. The year he won gold at the senior division, you saw some great scenes of emotion displayed in his skating but it was clear that he never let them consume him. It always looked as if there was something on his mind and that held him back, even made him stop and hesitate sometimes.

"Whoo! (Y/n) is back! Yuri! Meet your coach in musical expressional performance."

The boy's attention was suddenly entirely on you now, in comparison for being totally relaxed and unfocused. He tensed up and the pair of breathtakingly blue and green eyes widened at her for the second time today. 'Hope this is not becoming a regular habit of his' whenever he sees me. It's starting to get a little embarrassing.'

"You! What even- What are you doing here?! A-aren't you like 19 years old or something? That's just two years away from me! That's.. You're far too young to be my coach!" The startled reaction of his kind of made you wonder what was up. He did meet you just about- ah. Your face mask and your covered hair clearly disguised you well enough for the boy not to recognize you. Though he clearly knew you.

"Great, so you're familiar with me. Then I don't need a further introduction." You flashed him a smile.

"Who isn't familiar with the star of We Are Voice and winner of gold two years in a row? At this point, you're basically stealing the spotlight I fought so hard to gain at my senior division debut." The words came out in a mutter and the negative impact of the comment made you raise an eyebrow at the boy on the floor in front of you. He still hadn't stood up to greet you which would be the appropriate thing to do first time meeting your coach. Then you pouted and leaned your now crossed arms against the wall to your right.

"Though, I am a little disappointed you didn't recognize me by voice. I mean, if I am as famous as you speak of, you surely would've known right away." That just earned a scoff from him.

"There are thousands of girls who sound similar to you. Yes, even with that (nationality) accent. Your voice isn't that special." The other men in the room widened their eyes. Ouch. And he's just as grumpy and homeboy teenage-crisis as he was portrayed in television and social media as well. You had thought it was only mere acting in an attempt to shun people away and making the attraction towards him less appealing.

"I see... Well that's one way putting it."

It certainly worked on you, you had thought for several years now but turns out he's just a jerk. Yakov moved to get in Yuri's face and scold him.

"Where is your manners? Quit playing a brat all of a sudden."

"What? Am I not allowed to speak my mind now when you have to suck up to miss universe over here all of a sudden?"

You raised a silent hand for the arguing pair to let their words die down and then you locked gaze with the insolent boy. Your eyes were blank but rock hard and you could swear that you saw a faint gulp forming in his throat.

"Get on your feet and get over here. Turn sideways." At least I didn't have to ask twice. But I didn't really ask him either. He rose to his feet and took some hesitant steps towards me. It was clear that he didn't trust me. 'Something to work on' I hummed to myself. His posture was stiff and crooked but after another word from Yakov, he straighten his back for me to see him properly. He pulled the hood of his hoodie off and mirrored my blank hard stare. I began to circle him, getting a fair look on what I would be working with for a set of weeks. His eyes didn't dare follow mine as I stepped beside him, knowing that I was out for him to break character. A stale being is much harder getting to know than a forward and open one.

Then, when you were behind his back, you reached out with your hand to his back and - shoved him casually forwards. A yelp of surprise echoed through the room as he stumbled and fell towards Victor who caught him right before hitting the floor face first. You and Yakov locked gaze and gave each other a slight nod before you once again turned to the upset boy.

"What the hell was that? You pushed me for what? Are you that sensitive for a little negativity for once?"

"Your balance is off." You simply said with the same blank expression and a headshake. He seemed dumbfounded of the answer and got off Victor with quick feet. He was close to you this time and the daggers you received was intended to leave wounds after he was done.

"Because you pushed me."

"Exactly."

"I wasn't prepared!"

"Exactly."

"We have some work to do, Yuri. Your break has been too long, it seems. She was only picking up on where you left off, in a way." Yakov spoke up between the one-sided staring contest. The boy turned towards the man which included his back facing my front once again. But this time, he was careful on taking a few steps forward to avoid history repeating itself.

"She's not you. She shouldn't do your job. It's none of her business anyway."

"It actually is if you think harder on it. There's no point in me working on your emotional performance if your practical performance is flawed. A skater who can't manage a simple shove will not get up on his or hers feet at the competition as well." You expected some kind of backlash from Yuri, at least a glare or something. But you were met with nothing to your surprise. He didn't speak up either.

"It's settled. You and I will rehearse you back into your former shape before your time with (y/n) begins, starting tomorrow. Meanwhile, also take some time to get to know each other, you two. You seem to need it." Yakov declared the schedule and choose to pinpoint the obvious tension between you and Yuri. You somewhat agreed on spending time besides training. Though, you would rather not take a verbal beating more than once a day further on.

Yuri still didn't speak up but he didn't object either.

"(Y/n), there's food left for you too! Please join us for dinner." Yuuri Katsuki exclaimed and waved an energetic hand towards the bowls and plates on the table. In front of you, you saw the back muscles of the Russian skater's form tense at the words.

You had to decline though. If not for the meeting, then for the sake of giving Yuri some space. It must be hard, after all. Whatever's he's going through right now.

"I would love to! But I have to excuse myself this time. After all, I have a meeting to attend and if I don't get going, I'll soon be running late. See ya folks later!"

And with that, you dashed off.

[adventure-hearts]

Question: Why is Sora becoming a fashion designer perceived as a “non-empowered” or “non-feminist” choice, in 2020?

To begin with: this analysis isn’t about if Sora’s Epilogue career choice was foreshadowed or developed enough. That issue belongs in a more general discussion about why some fans felt dissatisfied with the Epilogue, in particular those jobs that were considered to be unexpected or more left-field. 

It also isn’t about individual fans’ personal disappointment with the character’s trajectory. Obviously, there are many factors at play that could lead one to be unhappy with how Sora’s turned out — dub changes, the cultural background information that isn’t always evident, or just personal reasons. No-one needs to agree with Sora’s job or feel compelled to justify their personal dislike.

Nevertheless, I will propose the following four explanatory hypothesis for why people might harbor a negative view of Sora’s career choice:

1. Being a fashion designer goes against Sora’s previously-established personality, interests, and values. 2. Her future career isn’t empowering. 3. It’s regressive, because all the female characters just ended up with stereotypical, traditional feminine activities. 4. Sora stopped being a role model for gender non-conformity in girls.

In this post, I’m going to try and demystify those points of view, in order to try to show that Sora’s career is both fitting and empowering.

***

Hypothesis 1: Being a fashion designer goes against Sora’s previously-established personality, interests, and values.

I believe this perspective is more connected to a general misunderstanding or lack of appreciation for Sora’s character arc.

To make a generalizing statement, many fans felt frustrated when Sora went from being presented as not particularly “girly” (playing football, wearing more practical clothes, being friends with boys) to “suddenly” becoming more feminine post-Adventure (playing tennis, wearing more feminine clothes, being paired off romantically with a boy, doing ikebana). This “dramatic change” culminated in her in her becoming a fashion designer in the Epilogue.

Similar complaints exist about Miyako’s endgame. In both cases, dissatisfaction  is based on the notion that a girl who doesn’t present as typically girly or has “masculine interests” in childhood wouldn’t gravitate towards “feminine things” later on. Some people believe that, in 02, becoming more traditionally feminine was associated with growing up and becoming more mature. Consequently, Sora and Miyako’s Epilogue jobs were a “correction” to their earlier presentation as young girls who challenged traditional gender roles.

While I think this is an understandable complaint, I must emphasize that a more deeper analysis of Sora’s character arc might help explain her trajectory in a more straightforward way.

Consider: 

It’s clear that Sora is coded as not a "girly girl” in Adventure. Not only does she have a unisex name, but she is often presented as a contrast with the hyper-feminine Mimi. 

Despite of this, I would argue that Sora was never portrayed as a full tomboy. For example, she speaks in a feminine way; her manners are delicate, even dainty; and she undertakes roles that involve being caring and nurturing, such as Big Sister / Group Mom — and, at one point, even damsel in distress —, which are normally associated with femininity. You never get the impression that Sora considers herself to be “one of the boys” or that she constantly struggles against gender expectations. Even her digimon partner is pink!

In Adventure, Sora’s preference for football over ikebana and annoyance when her mother asks her to act more “ladylike” are explained as a being a reaction against the pressure of Sora’s position as heiress to an old Ikebana family. To give the Cliff Notes version of the story: Sora rejected feminine as a way of rebelling against her mother’s perceived lack of love for her, and against the pressures of her position as ie-moto Crown Princess. 

After Sora made up with her mum, she became more open-minded and gradually began to embrace and enjoy more feminine things, including tennis (it’s weird to me  that people consider tennis “girly”, but I digress), cooking, and flower arrangement. As a teenager, Sora is also often seen wearing skirts and more feminine clothes, suggesting a more ‘womanly’ presentation, and she even ends up becoming romantically involved with a boy. 

I don’t see any evidence in Adventure or 02 that Sora wouldn’t be fond of art, design, or fashion. On the contrary: she practices and enjoys flower arrangement. Sora’s hobbies and personality traits in Adventure and 02 include sports, flower arrangement, resourcefulness, responsibility, sensitivity, and an eye for detail. Is that really incompatible with a future career in fashion design? The fact that she comes from an Ikebana family directly influences her career choice, notably the fact that she uses traditional Japanese elements in her designs. This establishes a strong connection between her Epilogue Job and her arc.

TL;DR: Sora wasn’t really a tomboy to begin with, and her becoming “more feminine” as she grew up is explained in the series as being a direct consequence of her Adventure character arc.

*

Hypothesis 2: Her future career isn’t empowering.

I think this stems from from the belief that being a fashion designer isn’t an important enough career. 

Since Sora is a Chosen Child, fans would expect grown-up Sora to be saving the world or being involved in Digimon issues, instead of doing silly things like making dresses and kimonos. After all, she is supposed to be a Strong Female Character™!

This point of view probably relates to the perception of creative professions — or anything related to art and culture — as “superficial”, “not serious” or “useless” for society. Fashion design, in particular ,is often seen as vapid or superficial, rather than a legitimate art form that can full of beauty and meaning. It’s the old story that if a career isn’t “powerful” or “useful”, then it’s less valid. (It’s interesting how no-one seems to question if becoming a footballer or a rock star would be “impactful” or “strong” enough for the two male protagonists.) 

This might be also be tangentially connected to fans’ dissatisfaction with Sora’s decreasing importance in the team as the story goes on. Many people would have preferred to see her in a position of leadership, or in the front lines of the battle. In this sense, her career choice could be perceived as the writers sidelining this female character even further.

In short, Sora’s career isn’t baddass enough.

Counterpoints:

There are many reasons why Sora wouldn’t want to be involved in fighting as a grown up. I’ve written about it earlier, but I think nothing illustrates her choice better than the short film To Sora. While it’s fair to question to what extent this decision was linked to Sora’s increasingly smaller role in the team (meta-wise), it’s still based on established character motivations. Sora doesn’t work in digimon business because... she doesn’t want to.

Sora becoming a fashion designer is also a huge step for the character, in the sense that it means that she also does not end up taking over over as Ikebana grand-master. Instead, she forges her own independent path: she does something she wanted to do for herself.

Moreover, based on the little information we have, Sora either works on a relevant position or works in her own name, considering she is able to run fashion shows and make creative decisions. This means Sora isn’t just an artist with a vision: she’s in a position of power within the business. 

We don’t have many clues to estimate how successful she is, but options range from her running her own small independent label, to being head-designer of a company, to becoming a proper superstar designer with her own successful global brand. All of those possibilities mean Sora has achieved considerable career success. If she’s doing some form of haute couture, then Sora’s arguably one the most “career accomplished” among the all group (if you use the usual questionable methods society uses to evaluate “accomplishment”, namely fame, power, and money).

And think of all the skills and talents necessary to be a successful fashion designer! Creativity; innovation; vision; diligence; hard work... to think of fashion design as an unimportant or “minor” profession is really reductive. Don’t you think icons like Valentino, Yves Saint-Laurent, Alexander McQueen, Coco Chanel, Vivienne Westwood, Hanaé Mori or Rei Kawakubo aren’t respected and influential? I’m not saying Sora’s at that level (yet) — I’m just saying she might be.

TL;DR: In the Epilogue, we learn that Sora followed her individual dreams and is triumphing in a challenging and important industry, producing high-quality art in her own terms. She even has the potential of becoming powerful, wealthy, and famous. She’s the definition of an empowered woman.

*

Hypothesis 3: It’s regressive, because all the female characters just ended up with stereotypical, traditional feminine activities.

This view is based on the observation that all the boys ended up with “important” careers, while the girls ended up with “feminine” jobs or, in Miyako’s case, not even a career at all. In other words, fans believe that the Digimon Epilogue wasn’t exactly good at providing progressive role models for girls. 

I do have some issues with this view. 

First: Isn’t the idea that traditional “feminine” activities are automatically lesser in itself sexist? 

Why do we assume that a fashion designer or a school teacher is “less” than a writer or a doctor? I’m not saying the Digimon Epilogue is problem-free or that promotes gender equality (it is, after all, a Japanese children’s cartoon from 2000), but considering the reality of working women in Japan, is the Epilogue that bad and regressive? 

(Also, there are twice more men in the team than women, so there’s more room for wider representation on the boys’ side. The four girls in Adventure always carry the burden of having to stand for half the population. As I mentioned in section 1, the fact that Sora was perceived as a “tomboy” means her career choice receives even more criticism.)

Second: Is being a fashion designer truly a “traditional feminine activity”? 

I would argue that considering fashion designer (especially in the “higher ranks”) as “woman’s job” is both stereotypical (“clothes are a woman’s thing!") and historically inaccurate. 

Here’s a fun fact: As of 2018, only 40% of womenswear fashion brands are designed by women and only 14% of the 50 major fashion brands are run by women. 

Think of the most famous fashion houses you know; you’ll find that the majority are almost all founded and/or lead by male designers. Looking at the list of Japanese fashion designers on Wikipedia, just over half of them are men.

In other words, the fashion industry was and continues to be overwhelmingly dominated by men, it’s plagued by lack of diversity and opportunitues for women, and women fashion designers a lot of obstacles and discrimination. So much for Sora having a “woman’s job”! 

And don’t even get me started on how difficult it must be to conciliate this career with being a mother of two.

TL;DR: Sora is working in a male-dominated field were being successful as a woman is still incredibly difficult. Not that different from playing in the boy’s football team!

*

Hypothesis 4: Sora stopped being a role model for gender non-conformity in girls.

I think the previous sections have already negated this to some extent.

First, Sora was never that gender-conforming to begin with and she began embracing femininity long before the Epilogue. Also, the two things aren’t mutually exclusive. Liking football and wearing jeans doesn’t mean you can’t like fashion and wear dresses.

Second, being a fashion designer is a respected, demanding, and possibly lucrative career. Sora is both an artist and a successful businesswoman in a leadership role she chose for herself.

Third, fashion is a male dominated industry and fashion design isn’t “a feminine occupation”. Sora is still going to have to break barriers and face a lot of obstacles based on the fact that she’s a woman and a working mum.

TL;DR: Sora’s challenging of social expectations, her “less typical” childhood presentation and hobbies, and her being a source of inspiration for little girls isn’t invalidated by her becoming a fashion designer.

Conclusion

Upon reflection, Sora’s career not only makes sense for the character, but it’s a very empowering one. 

Sora Takenouchi remains a feminist icon, thank you very much.

PS: I’ve always suspected that, on a meta level, Sora’s Epilogue career was very loosely inspired by Stephen King’s IT, which was listed by director Hiroyuki Kakudou as an influence for Digimon Adventure/02: more, specifically, the character Beverly Marsh is a red-haired girl who grows up to be a fashion designer.

[beesandbooks1]

Discussion: The Surprising Sexuality of Bella Swan

To read this post on my blog instead, click here!

Blanket warning: This post will be discussing sex and sexual activity. Bella Swan is a minor in the beginning of the Twilight Saga, and thus this discussion concerns the sexuality of teenagers.

Bella Swan and her sexual awakening

When we first meet Bella in Twilight, she can be described as a pretty sexless and anti-romantic person. We find out through her experiences in the Twilight Saga that she’s never gone on dates, never had anyone express explicit attraction to her, and that Edward Cullen is her first real crush and love interest. She seems pretty analytical, all things considered, discussing her mother’s relationships with her father and stepfather pretty distantly. While she can almost understand attraction–pointing out that when her parents were young and more attractive she can almost understand why they rushed into marriage–she doesn’t openly acknowledge attraction as a motivation for anything until dealing with Edward.

Bella Swan has a very clear sexual awakening in Twilight. The first time she kisses Edward, she describes herself as burning up and suddenly losing control. In fact, throughout the rest of the series this is a common theme. Edward is constantly having to keep their kissing as chaste as possible to protect Bella from his dangerous venom (and his bloodlust) while Bella regularly describes herself as latching onto him, pushing him to go further. Bella experiences tangible sexual desire for Edward and continually tries to act on it, despite Edward’s fears and trepidation. We like to make memes and joke about how dedicated Bella was to having sex with him in Breaking Dawn, but that was just the culmination of a lot of encounters in which Bella’s desire and lust drive their physical interactions.

Bella’s autonomy versus Edward’s

This was an interesting and occasionally disconcerting aspect of the treatment of sex in the Saga. Edward asserts repeatedly that it’s too dangerous to do more than kiss and that he won’t risk it with Bella. He also later on asserts his desire to wait for marriage, placing his sexual autonomy in the way of Bella’s desires. This is actually surprising in a lot of ways. First and most obvious is the subversion of expectations. A lot of YA and New Adult fiction places women in the shoes of the autonomy debate, putting their desire to wait for marriage, love, or another important milestone before having sex for the first time (or just the first time with their partner) out as the obstacle that the man they are seeing must respect. While I don’t think it was Meyer’s intention to comment on the particularly distasteful way society ignores male sexual autonomy and the right of men to say no to sex, it’s still an unusual subversion of societal expectation.

The next reason I find Bella’s sexual desire and lack of care for marriage interesting is because of Meyer’s background. Stephenie Meyer is a Mormon, and the Mormon culture generally encourages waiting until marriage for women and has strict rules regulating sexuality for all young people in general. We see in other parts of Meyer’s writing where the Mormon values come into play, so it’s ultimately very surprising that the main POV character, Bella, who is largely portrayed as mature and wiser than her peers should be pushing for premarital sex against a man’s wishes. She ends up only agreeing to marry Edward because she wants to sleep with him, and a little bit because she wants to be with him forever. She figures their relationship will continue regardless of marriage but his conditions for sex are what finally convince her to marry at all. This is again a subversion of the usual expectations.

I also find Edward’s sexual autonomy interesting in the face of the almost sex positive Bella. Edward Cullen is a man that repeatedly says ‘no’ to sex with a willing partner because of his own values, regardless of which of those values are more powerfully motivating. He has no reason to fear being overpowered when Bella is a human, so he can and frequently does exercise his right to say “no” without fear of repercussions. After all, the biggest reason people will consent to a sexual encounter they don’t want is to avoid the potential consequences of saying otherwise. Edward resists Bella’s attempts to coerce or seduce him in part because he knows she cannot overpower him, as he is a vampire and can absolutely physically stop her if need be. Bella dances dangerously close to interfering with his autonomy by pushing him towards physical encounters he expresses discomfort with. And from Bella’s perspective, she doesn’t seem to be aware that she’s coming close to violating his consent. Again, I don’t think it was Meyer’s intention to point out that women are just as capable of violating sexual trust as men, but an interesting point nonetheless.

Sexuality in the rest of the cast

Sex is absolutely alluded to and explicitly discussed on occasion with regards to the rest of the cast–usually to reaffirm relationships. In particular, Rosalie and Emmett’s relationship is associated with implied sex and Jacob’s perspective in Breaking Dawn references implied sex as well. Unsurprisingly, outside of Bella and Edward’s direct discussions and engagements in sexual activity, sex is discussed without actually being discussed–probably due to the age of the intended audience and Meyer’s thoughts on premarital sex.

Rosalie and Emmett have a tempestuous and loving relationship, which Edward describes as having destroyed houses through sex. Rosalie and Emmett are the most conventionally attractive of the Cullens, and often come across as a heartbreakingly perfect couple. They love one another very much and go on elaborate honeymoon trips, frequently living separate from the rest of the Cullens as a married couple. Additionally, Rosalie’s story involves her assault leading to her death and her desire to have a family, specifically her wish for children. In many ways, Rosalie’s story is more grown up than the rest of the series in is tragedy and in her metaphorical struggle with infertility. It’s not wholly surprising for her character that she and her husband are the most clearly sexual of the characters, but it does stick out as unusually mature against the rest of the series.

Jacob’s perspective also reveals some implied discussions of sex. The first example comes when he himself goes to a park to deliberately attempt to find someone he can get over Bella with. The implication is pretty obvious: he intends to have a one nigh stand. That he doesn’t succeed can’t erase what seems pretty obvious. Thus we have a character without the hangups on premarital sex that Edward–the only other male character that expresses any degree of sexuality–has. Also, since much of the exposition relating to Imprinting is given by Jacob, Jacob does have to discuss sex to a certain degree.

Contradictory messages?

I’d say that as a YA author, having your eighteen-year-old protagonist marry straight out of high school and avoid premarital sex is making a pretty firm moral statement. I don’t know for certain if Meyer set out from the beginning to build a relationship with Bella and Edward that she hoped young girls would aspire to, or if she just couldn’t bring herself to put something she didn’t believe in into her books. From the commentary on the movie, I do know she was at least a little uncomfortable with Bella being sexualized as she was one of the people protesting how “sexy” Kristen Stewart looked during the scene where Edward kisses Bella in her bedroom. Despite this, Meyer wrote a pretty convincing sexual awakening for Bella’s character.

Up until Forks, Bella’s character motivation doesn’t include sex or relationships. She is pretty single-minded about taking care of her mother, and then a little bit about being a good kid. The implication is that before remarrying, Renee wasn’t very good about consistently paying bills and providing food, so Bella honestly had far more important things to worry about than boys (or girls). Her sexual awakening with Edward is actually a pretty interesting idea, then, because in Forks is the first time Bella has time to think about boys, relationships, and sex. And then Bella is repeatedly shut down in these urges by her partner, seemingly in an attempt to protect her. There are plenty of issues with Edward as a partner, we all know this (and I haven’t even read Midnight Sun yet), but I found his desire to save himself until marriage the least problematic thing about him.

How interesting is it that for three books we have the narrative of “Edward desires Bella but is scared of hurting her” before finally having “Edward’s personal choice for his sexuality is to save himself until marriage?” I would have much preferred if that had been out in the open, since without the discussion that takes place at the end of Eclipse, Bella seems to be the victim of being teased by Edward’s allure without ever being granted the payoff of more than a kiss–whatever vampiric danger reasons there are for not going further. Instead, we get the fact that Edward has been struggling with his preference for having sex after marriage without sharing this with Bella, who clearly was willing to respect that as she marries him for this reason. If Meyer was trying to portray premarital sex as a bad thing, she never really got around to it. Bella isn’t even considering sex until Eclipse, despite her growing sexuality, and the discussions she and Edward do have about it isn’t very respectful to the thoughts of either side of the issue.

Final thoughts

I know that it seems awfully pointless to discuss a niche topic in the context of a book series people aren’t enamored with, especially when it’s pretty clear the mos interesting parts of this were not the author’s intentions. I don’t think Stephenie Meyer intended for the Twilight craze to happen at all, especially when you look at the backlash that happened. While there are legitimate issues in the series–capitalizing on the Quileute tribe’s existence while also doing some pretty problematic things with the Quileute characters comes to mind–one thing that cannot be attributed to the series is the hatred of teenage girls that drove the hatred for the series. The vast majority of criticisms for this series came from people whose deep seated hatred of teenage girls led them to find every fault possible (except for the majority of the series’ actual faults). Needles to say, this backlash affected me in a number of ways as I was a teenage girl who initially liked Twilight.

This was not a conscious thought I had upon first reading, but I want us to consider being a teenage girl in a confusing world where half of popular media says relationships and making out and even sex are important and cool parts of being a teenager, while another half of popular media condemns teenage girls for exploring their sexuality however they may be comfortable. As a teenage girl, saving yourself is worthy of mockery and having sex regardless of the context is worthy of slut-shaming. To have a romance series endorsed by mothers as well as teenagers in which the teenage girl explores feeling sexual desire is pretty interesting. She’s not shamed for desiring Edward, it’s only natural after all. And the questions of consent and autonomy are danced around with his desire to save himself for marriage–an unintentional reminder that women are capable of sexual assault as well and that everyone deserves the safety to say “no.”

Do I think it’s revolutionary for Twilight to have included some of Bella’s sexual awakening? No. In fact, I think it’s one of the things that could have been improved if Meyer was a better writer or better re-writer to make a more impressive series. But I do think that Twilight is more notable for the deep hatred it inspired than its writing. I think it’s important to continue to discuss Twilight in the context of what it gave teenage girls and who opposed teenage girls having it. Edward wasn’t a great love interest, but one thing we can say for him is he never forced sex on Bella. He never pressured her, he wanted to wait for marriage. As a result, Bella’s sexual awakening is slower and paced out with her own growing desires and wants. She never has to rush through things because she isn’t having sex. And I think it’s good for teenage girls to have a character whose desires awaken in the first book but isn’t having sex until later, has sex with someone she stays together with and gets to grow with, and is never pressured into the sex.

[mostly-mundane-atla]

Happily, @basilgarden !

First, though, I'd like to establish some things.

Sex work doesn't make anyone "dirty" or "used up" and being a sex worker doesn't mean one is a "slut" or that they have no standards. (I could go on and on about how the stigma comes from a specific intersection of misogyny and classism, but that's a different topic, for perhaps another blog.) All it means is that the worker needed money then and there. Maybe it was to make rent on time, or to feed their kids, or maybe they have people breathing down their neck about a debt they need to pay back. It could be anything and it's not anyone's place to judge it as a good reason or a bad reason.

What makes the idea of Jin as a sex worker so interesting to me is that it makes sense in a socio-economic context. Sex work always booms in times and places with massive economic inequality, which Ba Sing Se has in spades. Wartime, whether or not the country or city state is involved, tends to create shortages, driving up prices and making some necessary items not realistically available. This leads to more people taking on sex work to suppliment their income.

The other thing I like about the concept of Jin as a sex worker is that sex workers never really get to be just regular human people? There are exceptions to this, of course (Nancy from Oliver Twist, Jenny from The Threepenny Opera, and the Harlots series just like in general come to mind), but sex workers are more likely to be used as sexy props or background characters that the audience can dump all their pity or disgust onto. On the occasion that we do get a fully developed sympathetic character who ends up doing sex work, it's usual portrayed as a heavy moral or social transgression. She (as this character is almost always a woman) is depicted as devolving from a human being to a sex worker. (Examples listed above are also exceptions to this.) It certainly showcases prejudices so many people have against sex work and workers, but it's not especially comforting or encouraging to those who consider it just a facet of their reality. That's not the case with Jin. She's just living her life, and it's not subject to anyone else's approval.

And there's another nice thing about this normalcy; it means she feels safe. In an ideal world she wouldn't work so young, but she's able to go about the city without fear of assault or harassment from strangers due to her line of work. I'd like to think it's something she keeps quiet. Maybe she has a small clientele consisting of boys (and maybe girls) her own age, because teenage hormones seem to come out of nowhere and they don't give you a guide on how to deal with them. They like her because she's patient with them and doesn't mock their shyness and always asks, "Do you want this?" and doesn't proceed until they say yes. Knowing how these things tend to work, she probably has at least one older, more experienced worker looking out for her and keeping her as safe as they can.

As for Iroh hiring her, she seems to have already been frequenting their shop and starting to crush on Zuko. Iroh is a good man and finally starting to get some money, so why wouldn't he offer to pay a girl for following up on a request for something she already considered, making ammends to the citizens of Ba Sing Se one person at a time? I'm not entirely convinced that Jin would take the money. Maybe if it was close to what she would normally charge, but if it was something more extravagant as Iroh seems more inclined to, she probably wouldn't feel comfortable taking it. If anything I'd think she'd take being offered payment as permission to ask Zuko on a date.

I don't think she would have asked Zuko without any sort of go-ahead to suggest it was something Zuko himself might want. If she goes to the tea shop because he works there and she wants to ask him out, she is the customer in that situation and he is the service worker. It would put him in an awkward situation where, as far as he knows, turning her down could offend her, leading to her no longer patronizing the shop which would make his boss angry with him for losing them a regular customer. We don't know what kind of workers' rights or lack thereof exist in Ba Sing Se, and I doubt Zuko, an obvious newcomer, would know either. Jin seems a decent enough person that she wouldn't want to put her crush in such a position, so regardless of who approached whom, I'm sure Iroh gave her the idea that Zuko would like to go on a date with her.

And before I wrap this up, I just want to say that as much as I love this concept, Jin isn't the first one I'd guess was a sex worker. Of the entire cast of Avatar characters, if someone told me one of them was involved in sex work and asked me to guess which one it was most likely to be, my money would be on Jet. I'll elaborate further if anyone's interested, but this post is already too long.

(Edit: I have written a separate post about Jet, right here in case you'd like to read it.)

[stephadoodles]

DOAFP Episode 1x07 Review - “Foreign Relations”

This was such a good episode with a ton of symbolism, and it kicked off the plotlines that would carry through the rest of the season.

Elena’s story line is technically split in two; there’s her obsession with getting Joey to ask her to the dance, and then there’s the background story line of her ignoring Sasha, which comes back to bite her later. While we’ve seen her discussing her crush on Joey in earlier episodes, it becomes the focus of this episode. It’s clear that Joey doesn’t really care about her – he only talks to her when he wants the answers to something. Elena is in pure young teenage crush mode, not noticing anything negative about her crush. The show gives several examples of him being gross (retainer, wiping his nose, etc.) but she’s oblivious.

She decides to emulate the eighth-grade girls because she thinks that’s what he wants, which is a pretty classic trope in these types of shows. It’s interesting that when she talks to the eighth-grade girl at the end, that girl just confirms that people keep trying to be someone they’re not as they get older. Elena disregards that and decides to just be herself and go ask Joey out. While she does learn the lesson that she shouldn’t try to be someone else, she ultimately comes to that conclusion on her own. Joey portrays exactly zero emotions and gives her a non-committal answer. It’s clear to the audience that Joey doesn’t really have any interest in her, but Elena hasn’t figured it out yet.

Through all of this, she’s basically ignoring Sasha who is going to the mall to read her poetry. Not only does Elena bail on practice, but she skips the actual recital. Jessi ends up stepping in as she happens across Sasha in the bathroom. Since she’s been dumped by Melissa, she takes the opportunity to get in good with Sasha who’s been ditched by Elena. It was sweet of her to show up to support Sasha, and this story line ends up carrying through to the end of the season.

While there’s been a decent amount of lead-up to Bobby’s sexuality story line, this is the first episode where we actually get an explicit hint that he’s developing feelings for Liam. Everything else up until this point was him seemingly uncomfortable in his relationship with Monyca, but now we get the infamous knee touch that shows he’s thinking of Liam in a different way. Once again, they get locked in a room together, and Bobby is shown easily frustrated and angry, while Liam is more relaxed and calmer. Liam distracts Bobby with a variety of dumb competitions and it’s another example of how well Liam understands Bobby.

We get a little more backstory on Liam’s family, and we can see that he’s more willing to be open with Bobby than anyone else (similar to Bobby opening up about his dad in the last episode). The boys are rescued by Camila, who immediately notices that there was something going on, which is touched on later in a future episode. The fact that the lesbian character came and busted the two boys out of a literal closet was a fantastic metaphor. Her knowing look at the end was great as well.

There’s been a lot of discussion in the fandom about the level of subtext when it comes to the gay storylines, especially in these shows that are aimed at kids. While DOAFP has broken down some more barriers, it does still rely heavily on subtext rather than actual text, which I’ll also discuss once I get to the finale episode. Part of this may be because they’re still treating the story lines with some caution (because there will be backlash, no matter what).

But another reason is that while these characters (Bobby, Cyrus) are main characters, they’re not the main character and don’t get the same treatment as the title character. We get all of Elena’s thoughts and feelings because she’s narrating them to her diary. In Andi Mack, we get all of Andi’s thoughts and feelings because she verbally expresses them (usually to Bex). I think it’s a combination of censorship and the lack of LGBTQ title characters. While Love, Victor will likely be the show to accomplish this first, there’s still the issue of it being aimed at an older audience so there’s that lack of access for younger kids. Hopefully this is something that can be improved in the future.

Finally, Gabi’s story line is back to focusing on her relationship with Sam. While they’ve gotten to the point of saying “I love you,” and she wakes up to realize that she’s not thinking about her husband right away, we see that she’s still struggling with moving on completely. Again, it ends up being explored more in future episodes. And once again, her story line does take a backseat to that of the kids’, but it does get more attention later on in the show.

A (lot) of notes:

So! Much! Symbolism!

The boys being stuck in a closet together. Not only is it continuing the running gag of them being locked in rooms together, but it’s a nice metaphor for Bobby’s sexuality (as we don’t know about Liam yet).

When Jessi shows up at the contest, Sasha licks her lips, referencing the chap stick she borrowed from her earlier

Gabi holding the love letter to her husband and her phone lighting up underneath it with a call from Sam  

Elena’s narration with the line “I learned something new about myself” as Bobby tosses the tennis ball from Liam around while smiling

It’s something that a lot of TV shows and movies fall prey to, but when Gabi gets up in the morning, she’s getting ready and starts to do her makeup, despite having a full face of makeup on already, even though she was just in bed

Also, she’s just getting out of bed but Camila’s at the office already? Either one of them is really early or really running late

The hetero goals line is absolutely hilarious, and I can’t believe I’m hearing it in a Disney show

This episode is another example of the school lesson reflecting something happening in Elena’s life, and she deliberately references it several times throughout the episode

There’s a reference to Elena wanting to share a beverage with Joey which is revisited later

Somehow Elena managed to get all that body glitter off in a very short amount of time which is nothing short of a miracle

Watching Joey wipe his nose and then touch the cookie was gross upon first viewing and now downright alarming considering the current state of affairs in the world

I think this episode set a record for the number of Sam puns

[fatcr0w]

I get it about Nessa

But in the long history of Pokemon, I wouldn’t say it’s her skin that’s the reason she’s dressed so sparsely.

Tl:dr; CW: Pedophilia

Nessa’s very clearly a child character, and even since the 90s when Pokemon first came out, there has been at least one teenage female bait character in Pokemon. I remember, because I was there. This same uproar happened for Misty when Pokemon came to America. They pulled certain episodes off the shelves at Blockbuster, or skipped them on the Saturday line ups. At age 8 I didn’t notice the skipped episodes, but when I watched the subs in my teens, some things were VERY different.  

The first one was Misty. She wore precisely as much clothing as Nessa does now. Her only purpose in the series was to attract boys... and well:

This managed to make it past localization once or twice i think. 

This type of stuff was ALL OVER anime back in the 90s. (like dragonball, where Chi Chi ‘s child outfit was a string bikini  and Bulma, a CHILD and also tech genius was a panty shot gag ). 

American localization did a lot to protect Misty’s image, like repainting her trainer card so she’s not nude , but it still came through that she, a girl of only 10(Japan)/14(US) was an object of desire first and foremost. 

I read the American version of this (right) as a 10y/o. I read the fansub version on a nostalgia kick in my 20s and thought the scanlators had lewded it. For reference, in this series Misty is 12. I'm rather glad that 10 y/o me got the SFW version. 

Now, back to the theory that Nessa’s exotique blackness is the reason she’s wearing that swimsuit. Most of the folks complaining about this bring up how Nintendo’s black characters are portrayed...while completely ignoring the black people IN Pokemon.

To be absolutely fair though...the pokemon series only seems to have discovered black people in 2014, so let’s look at the like, 5 they’ve had since inception: 

A child, Auntie, MMA fighter, and uh.... that guy

The R34 of these characters, and subsequently the cultural memory of them, is pretty sparse. In a series as vast as pokemon, you have to reserve your interest. Long term fans know this, and so do creators. 

If you think the character designs aren’t also carefully selected marketing plans, you don’t know pokemon. Let’s look at Iris. She’s one of Ash’s youngest companions and very consistently coded as a young child.

Fully clothed, open stance, child proportions. Absolutely cannot be misconstrued as a teen. 

She’s an accomplished gym leader and otherwise fits the entire bill for companion character, EXCEPT, her outfit doesn’t lead to easy R34. 

Now let’s look at some teen characters. Pokemon is reluctant to name ages because they learned very clearly from the international reception of Misty that a 12y/o with underboob isn’t gonna fly. 

What DOES fly is age-ambiguous girls. Is she or isn’t she young enough to be clean and pure, but old enough to be sexy and not send ya to jail. 

But cr0w!!!! That’s just how they draw women!!!!!

Well for one that’s not fair. I demand himbo rights

For two, without Google, which one of these young women is confirmed over 18? It’s impossible to tell because what makes Pokemon character designs so interesting and varied also blurs the concept of age. These are the proportions and face structures they use for female designs ages 15-23. 

In comparison, the vast majority of adult (but not elderly) women are coded similar to this: 

This woman clearly has a mortgage and a 100% interchangeable pod wardrobe. She has opinions on gruyere

There are tons more examples, including the player trainer’s mom, random trainers they meet, and more experienced gym leaders. As with any model, the potential for lewds are there. There’s plenty of Nurse joy R34 out there. 

The key here is not that Nessa is getting optimal sun exposure due to her skin but probably because Pokemon has had an ephebophilia problem since 1989. It’s not as blatant as uh, it once was: 

but the series still puts out a lot of ‘barely legal’ designs of young teenage girls. Every generation had at least one, even after all of the redesigns and localization made the overall IP way more G-rated.

Pokemon has proven that they can and will make a black female trainer. It’s not a problem for them at all. The problem is if they want that trainer to be a selling point for the game. 

Gen 6 Schoolgirl, probably not much younger than Nessa

Lenora, who all yall imMEDIATELY forgot existed

It’s just that if they plan to feature a young female, usually Ash’s companion, she’s going to have something that draws the eye to her panty line. Even after literally 30 years of making the series kid friendly, it still comes out. There has to be at least one major bait character, and it’s going to always be a teen-coded girl. 

It’s ok to be critical of media, but harping on someone else’s knee jerk reactions become performative when you don’t think about all the other parts of the puzzle. Are you hyperfocusing on Nessa because she’s in a swimsuit, or is it really just because you want to nitpick the black character that’s getting attention? 

If you make this swimsuit thing about being black, you have to ignore the much longer history of creepy pedo-attracting that still seeps into pokemon character design. 

[bravadoseries]

Probably weird and hard, so take you time to answer, but if Audrey was canon in the comics, what changes would be made when adapting her character into a MCU? I mean stuff like the fact that Tony built his in Afghanistan in the movie when in the comic he did it in Vietnam.

this was such a fun question thank you so much!  i’m gonna separate this into two parts: audrey’s comics storyline and how her mcu adaptation is different.  so sorry this is so long! 

audrey rogers (later audrey lange and audrey banner) was introduced in the 1950s after captain america’s popularity declined and the war ended.  her original aging thing was that she aged pretty fast and then like maxed out when she was physically 18 or 20 (like the baby from twilight).  she was originally supposed to speak to teenage girls and other women to encourage them to embrace patriotism and reject communism, and she’s mentored by her father (since peggy’s originally written in the comics as a pretty minor character).  audrey is given her batons by howard stark but in the comics they’re much more torchlike (really emphasizing the whole lady liberty moniker).  

throughout the 50s and 60s, she’s got a dual-identity thing going on.  she’s audrey lange (nee rogers), a teacher married to Joshua Lange, her high school sweetheart and a young, good-hearted, all-american politician.  nobody knows about her identity except for her father, howard stark, and howard’s son tony.  

during the 60s, lady liberty and black widow are often portrayed as character foils and enemies.  lady liberty is sweet as apple pie, she likes to kiss babies and shake hands with senators and say things like God Bless America while the black widow is seductive, brutal, and most importantly—communist.  the two are each other’s biggest rivals for the beginning of their respective comics’ histories (ok i just watched killing eve and i am obsessed with it but i think they are usually trying to track each other down similarly to eve and villanelle).  idk if you watch glow but it’s like the zoya/liberty belle characters. that’s what’s going on. 

in the comics, lady liberty is responsible for helping black widow defect from the red room and join the American cause.  their first enemy together is julian bardot, who is selling nuclear tech to the highest bidder, and both of them want to discourage their respective organizations from purchasing nuclear bombs as the comics began to go into more anti-war propaganda.  audrey teams up with tony at this point and their comics characters become friends.  

during the vietnam war, the whole american propaganda thing was declining in popularity so they sent audrey to vietnam as a spy, where she was known as the angel of mercy.  after realizing that the war was a corrupt cause, she abandoned the angel of mercy title and began working as a vigilante with civil rights activist and empire state engineering student lindsey dubois, caroline, a secretary heavily implied to be gay (living with her close female friend and unmarried) who would become the vigilante ace of spades, chinese refugee and nurse claudia liau, and delphine lamontagne, a french exchange student who came to the US looking to find a scientist to help her understand her powers.  They specifically target human traffickers.  

At this point, Josh Lange becomes mayor of New York City, and the strain of audrey’s vigilantism and her unwillingness to have children leads their marriage to crumble.  they divorce and it’s a big comics thing (later, backlash causes marvel to try to retcon their marriage at all and say they were just engaged)  

lady liberty is written into the avengers in the 1970s again because she realizes that the vigilantism was too dangerous or something (i feel like realistically it’s just that sales were low for a diverse group of female heroes but whatever).  her storylines are based around that for a few years, however, after the marvel comics watergate, captain america abandons his title and becomes nomad and audrey abandons superhero work in favor of working as a lawyer (? i think).  

in the 1980s, audrey is written as working as a law professor at culver, where she meets bruce banner.  i don’t know a ton about hulk comics but i think he was permanently hulked out for the 70s and started gaining control in the 80s? pretty sure.  anyway audrey’s never met bruce before but he’s got a dual identity thing going on and she’s like You Really Seem Familiar.  when she figures out his dual identity a) they become romantically involved and b) she tries to get into hero work again.  

there was a lack of interest in her character as more than a love interest, though, so from the late 80s to ’91, audrey is kidnapped and brainwashed by hydra.  she’s given powers through hydra experimentation but refuses to use them unless forced to because they cause her immense pain.  she is activated through trigger words and known by the name Red Scare.  During this period, she serves as one of Captain America’s primary antagonists, but he doesn’t realize that Audrey is his daughter, he just thinks she’s dead.  

When the Soviet Union falls in 1991, Audrey is returned to the united states and begins working as a shield agent because of the intelligence she’d collected while abroad.  Josh Lange, now running for president of the United States, proposes to her in the late 90s and they marry, but Audrey begins to secretly undermine his political agenda once he’s elected due to his staunch anti-gifted stance and preference for order, no matter the cost.  Audrey is portrayed as an unsatisfied First Lady until 2005, when Tony Stark starts the New Avengers to help defeat the mass breakout of the Raft, a prison holding many supervillains.  Knowing she cannot just stand by, she leaves Joshua and commits to becoming a hero full time.  

During the Civil War comics arc, Audrey opposes the mandatory federal registration of super-powered beings due to her experience with politicians.  However, many oppose her presence in the movement for that very reason.  She and Bruce Banner attempt another romantic relationship, but he favors the registration act and they soon break up.  When her father attempts to surrender in order to stop the violence, she does so instead, knowing that she will be less of a loss to the movement.  

At the same time, the United States launches Hulk into space (idk this was a real thing with the whole planet hulk arc) and Thor, wanting to help turn Hulk back into banner, breaks Audrey free from prison and brings her to Sakaar.  She helps him turn back into Bruce and the two actually begin a romantic relationship, with him seeing where the registration act got him (Launched Into Space).  When they return to Earth, Audrey and Bruce both decide to retire from hero work and open a school not for mutants but for other powered people which becomes a rival to charles xavier’s school.  

From there, it’s a bunch of sporadic storylines.  I think at some point she may become director of SHIELD when Steve is president?  Because I know that was like a thing in the 70s. audrey’s powers are connected to thanos in a way that’s spoilery so I won’t go too into detail but when he pops up with the infinity stones arc, she plays a part in that.  

anyway!

So there’s a lot of differences between the hypothetical movies and the hypothetical comics but i think obviously the biggest is Audrey’s backstory and aging.  Since she ages slowly and was without Steve’s guidance, she grew up isolated and protected from the rest of the world.  Audrey’s personality at the beginning is supposed to be reminiscent of her personality as the initial Lady Liberty—very sweet and positive and very much a character foil to Natasha, but instead of Audrey recruiting Natasha to SHIELD and helping her become a hero, it’s the other way around.  Obviously Peggy’s role is very different, too, as is Josh’s (he’s a much more minor character in the films than in the comics).  

The first Lady Liberty film adapts her transition from more of a hollow, symbolic hero to someone who is directly involved in the fight.  There’s also references to her Red Scare arc except it’s the 60s and not the 90s.  Here, we also have reference to Natasha and Audrey fighting Julian Bardot and his weapons, but removed from the Cold War context and instead shifted to the post-Chitauri circumstances.  Delphine is also introduced, though not as a vigilante at this point or as a student but as a capable DGSE agent.  The setup here is for her to have her own adventures eventually I think.  

A lot of the changes have to do with the order of things.  Because the MCU takes place over a decade and not like 50 years, things get switched around.  TWS and AOU are both more modern plotlines that got reinvented and brought into the MCU.  I think I’m probably gonna be changing the Civil War conflict to add more of the comics element to it as well.  

Audrey’s vigilante team storyline, though unpopular at the time of its original publication, works better now, so it’s brought back for the second Lady Liberty film, which is set after Civil War.  Audrey at this point is much more brutal and has lost faith in the system similarly to how she lost faith in the system because of Vietnam.  Audrey never becomes a lawyer, but she does have a reunion with Bruce post CW during the MCU equivalent of Planet Hulk because (though unlike the comics he went by choice) he got launched into space.  Audrey’s involvement in this storyline is much more accidental in the movies than in the comics.  

I think also unlike the comics, Audrey doesn’t use her powers more because she feels unnatural when she does and not because it physically hurts.  She also loses control.  The movies also more specifically detail how where her powers came from.  

The third Lady Liberty film, resurrection, is a movie that covers Audrey, Thanos, and more of her outer space adventures lol.  And the next gen TV series, which primarily just features guest appearances from the Avengers, adapts the idea of the Avengers Academy.  

thank you so much again for this ask sorry it got so long i had so much fun answering it !!!

[battlestar-royco]

I really wish YA would stop with the slutshaming. Or at the very least, have the main female character defend the one being ridiculed for it. It's incredibly harmful for young girls and I feel like part of the reason it appears so much is because monogamous/monoamorous culture is so common and much of the world has been taken over by Anglicized Christianity.

I agree, although I would expand YA to all entertainment created for teenage girls and actually all media in general. I’m so sick of starting a book/movie/TV show and seeing a girl who’s forward with her sexuality portrayed as a vapid villain. So sick of it. At least half the shows I’ve started in the past three months or so have included a character like this, usually giving her materialistic hobbies and showy clothing. Some of these shows simultaneously have gross fuckboys as part of the leading cast. Surprise surprise, those guys are never called out for their literally criminal behavior toward women. But in the context of YA, slutshaming is also a major issue and has been since it started. It’s especially insidious because YA is mostly created and consumed by women and girls, so you have girl protagonists vilifying other girls, reinforcing norms that go along with slutshaming, like viewing other women as competition, policing other people’s clothing, driving women toward men as ultimate beacons of rationality and love, etc. And yep, we’re definitely dealing with the sexual and gender norms/values of the dominant culture.

[takaraphoenix]

Queer as Folk, but make it diverse

Ever since I watched Pose, I’ve been thinking about how there is this one TV show where I would actually like to see a remake of and that’s Queer as Folk.

Now, not a remake as in “new actor to play Brian Kinney”, because Brian’s story - and everybody’s story - has been told. I can rewatch the show for that.

A remake in the sense of taking the essence of this show and creating something new with it. The very core idea of a show that is simply literally queer as folk.

Because, quite frankly, Queer as Folk was neither of those. Neither was it queer, nor was it “as the folk”. It was a show that followed a circle of Young White CIS Gay Men, with one Token Old Gay (who was also CIS and white), one Token Lesbian (who, again, CIS and white) and one Token Bisexual (who, aside from CIS and white was also a really bad stereotype of “bisexuals can’t be faithful! She exclusively got pussy for years now so she needs to cheat to get some dick!!!”, which was honestly just yikes).

And honestly, I get it. This show was a testimony of its time. It was groundbreaking for its time, because it was nearly exclusively gay. It showed gay people in various, normal, human situations - not just as the stereotypes that served the straight lead characters. And back then, things were white. Things were male led.

So I’d love to see an updated version of it. Because that’s something that’s missing in today’s TV landscape - something really truly very unapologetically gay.

I love Pose, but much like Queer as Folk it takes one flavor of the rainbow and focuses on that - it does that very well and it’s amazing to watch. So, this post isn’t meant as “Pose isn’t good enough”, it’s brilliant at what it does. But it’s limited and also a period piece, of sorts.

I want a show that’s thoroughly queer, that shows different shades of the rainbow, on people with different backgrounds and that also shows different age groups.

Now, I’m not an idiot. I know you can’t just throw 10+ main characters with various sexualities at people all at once.

(This is the part where I get very specific about what I would love to see, but that is only meant as an example because this post is more about the concept.)

Let’s start the show off simple enough, with the “big four”, if you will. Cover the LGBT letters as the four first, core main characters we meet. Because four characters, you can establish them well enough, there’s not too much to confuse you or distract you.

For the sake of the example, let’s give them super on the nose names. Lesley the lesbian, Gary the gay man, Bill the bisexual man and Tracy the trans woman.

Tracy is straight, because I feel as though that is very often something that is forgotten; trans characters are often only portrayed to be included in the community if they are also on top of it gay.

Tracy and Bill used to date, Bill and Gary are currently a couple while Lesley is Tracy’s roommate. Just, you know, as an example as to how our main characters could be introduced.

You establish the core four, you flesh them fully out, you give them backgrounds - maybe Bill is a Korean American man, Gary is probably white because let’s face it TV shows nowadays still need a White Man in it for some reason, let’s say Tracy is a strong, black woman, Lesley is a Latina.

We establish them. We establish healthy relationships. Show how Gary and Bill can be in a happy relationship without the bisexual man cheating because what the fuck why even. Show a healthy relationship based on trust, on the knowledge that Bill can be friends with his ex Tracy without there being some “will they, won’t they”. Show that a lesbian can live together with a woman without falling in love with her. Show good friendships, solidarity within the community, show that queer people can have healthy romantic relationships.

Maybe half-way into season one, Lesley gets a girlfriend. To bring in a bi woman - let’s call her Bianca because we’ll stay on the nose with the names so it doesn’t get too confusing.

And that’s how we can start branching out. Bringing in love interests, but not the way straight shows do. Where the one gay main character has a love interest for like a season but then they break up and the love interest immediately leaves the show to never be seen again, even though the whole season was spent on them forging bonds with all the friends and main cast. No. Let ex lovers stick around, find new lovers of their own, make friends.

One by one, we introduce new characters, characters who may start out as secondary characters and over the course of a season gain importance, characters who start out as love interests or as new neighbors.

Give me Pandora the pansexual ex-girlfriend of Lesley, Grace their ace neighbor, Aron the aromantic owner of the café they always get their breakfast, Queenie the queer cousin, sorry I really can’t make up a good semi-pun name for a non binary character but definitely also a non binary character and a genderfluid character, and so further and so on. And I only give one example per sexuality and gender identity here, but that doesn’t mean there has to be only one - there could be five bisexuals, we could meet three aces, I just mean that there has to be at least one of each, because I want all the rep.

Like I said, I don’t want 10+ characters of various ethnicities and sexualities thrown in my face in the first season. That’s too much to focus on and too wild and wouldn’t give anyone the time they deserve. But I’m talking about the span of multiple seasons here.

Start off with those core four, branch out through lovers (past, present and future), neighbors, friends they made in the community. Maybe they live in a particularly gay neighborhood, maybe one of them works at a queer youth center so we can meet some of those other characters through that, bringing in the perspective of teenagers - closeted, struggling, out and proud, bullied, all the shades there are. An actual, physical place where we can have all this rep, not just your usual variety of straight white suburbs.

Give me old gays, who were there during the AIDS crisis, who were actually there during the Stonewall riots, who have a story to tell. Maybe a cute, old couple that’s living in their apartment building.

I just - I want to see more. I’ve seen the Gay White CIS Man so many times now. Pose showed me something I never even heard about. How could I, I’m a white CIS lesbian from Europe. The ballroom scene? Never heard of it before, because it never made it into major media before. I want to hear those stories. I want to see the queerness in other cultures. I want to see other queerness - because if we get rep, it mostly boils down to gays, lesbians and bisexuals, very rarely do we get some trans rep, but beyond that? You’re lucky if you get one in 200 shows.

I want Queer as Folk, with characters who are queer, not just gay, who show us just how many colors the rainbow has and who actually represent the folk, the real people of today with all of their own cultural backgrounds.

That’s a TV show I’d be dying to see.

[vinodiriso]

ON HANZO’S MENTAL HEALTH AND THE WAY HE IS PORTRAYED ON THIS BLOG.

DISCLAIMER: I am not a psychologist, nor I deal with neurodivergence at any rate. Medical terminology is used only as a reference to describe the mental state of the character, to give a general idea: in the following in-depth study I prefer to analyse the causes and the symptoms rather than the “terminology”. I tried to use the most fitting for my vision and my interpretation for how limited my knowledge of this subject is, no matter my research. Also, when referring to “Hanzo�� I am speaking of my personal interpretation of Hanzo, which is my own personal muse; those are by no degrees standards of canon, just what I see most fitting for my own understanding of the muse. If you are a Hanzo roleplayer and disagree with my interpretation, you are totally entitled to follow your own.

Tl;dr: Hanzo is not a neurotypical subject. He struggles with undiagnosed DPDR, ADHD and PTSD.

Since infancy, Hanzo never had an easy time befriend people of his age. Hanzo has never been in an adequate mental state that allowed him to grow close to people he didn’t share a blood connection with, for he spent most of his time reviewing his life rather than living it. This behaviour forced him out of the carefreeness appropriate for young people and into a stoic approach to life that was, yes, praised by the adults, but was never healthy for a teenager. By the age of eleven, the only person Hanzo felt a connection with was his brother Genji, who managed to understand and adapt to the elder Shimada’s slow rhythms in developing friendship and trust.

Hanzo’s will was to follow his father’s and to prove to be a good heir for the Shimada empire. He held no other interests, aside for an undying love for martial arts and swordsmanship. Most of the times, Hanzo held a passive attitude towards his own life, acting rather based on what was expected from him, what was appropriate for him to like or enjoy, not what he truly wanted or wished. I cannot outstretch enough how Hanzo’s life was spent serving and never developing his own self. Hanzo does not know who he is, he doesn’t know the man he is, his personality is confused, which drives him to hold a more aggressive attitude towards life or, in some cases, a completely passive one. The flaunting of his abilities as an archer or the superiority of his craft are merely a coping mechanism, little strokes of self-appreciation from a man that struggles with heavy self-deprecation issues. The traumas of his father’s sudden death and Genji’s attempted murder have shaken his ego to a much darker place. His mind is plagued by terrible images of Hitsounayoru, the Blackwatch attack, the fear, but he fails in remembering consciously the moment he turned against his brother, his mind blocks it and deems it as something so alien to him it must be a fantasy; his mind keeps switching from the idea that everything can be restored to the idea that everything is lost and unacquirable. In simpler words: “This is the home of the Shimada clan, my home” vs “This was once my home. No longer”. Maybe the journey he has embarked in won’t give him redemption, maybe it is not an atonement for his sins... maybe it is retribution for his faults.

To return to the previous topic, one could say that Hanzo has a selective memory in the sense that he only remembers specific parts of his past, namely the best ones or the most impressive. While this is true, Hanzo’s memory, from the point of Genji’s assassination, has become incredibly blurry, both for his past and his present. Hanzo struggles a lot to remember faces, to recall events, even something as little as remembering what he had for dinner the day before, and this is even truer for when he is dissociating. Mirin, what do you mean by dissociating? Hanzo’s dissociation means an impossibility for Hanzo to rationalize his thoughts and his actions. He may sit, but he can’t really say why. He may say something, but he can’t really recall the reason why. He may eat, but he doesn’t really feel hungry. For him, dissociation is living his life sitting in the back of the theatre. He is not in control, his senses are clouded, he is not the protagonist, he is the spectator. During dissociative events, Hanzo’s memory is incredibly foggy and faulted. “Did I really say this?” “I am sorry, I forgot.” “I didn’t remember we had an appointment.” “We… went there? When?”

During a particularly intense dissociative event, Hanzo might become paranoic. The inability to regain control, to do what he needs and wants to do might lead him to fright: someone may take advantage of his weakness, someone may understand that he is not normal, he can’t trust the people around, it doesn’t matter what they say, they can’t understand him, they will harm him. More often than not, it causes him general anxiety and panic attacks. The inability to meet expectations is what haunts him the most and what will lead him into a dead end of nerves; generally, when he can at least pretend to behave normally, dissociative events tend to be not as crippling.

This is, however, a problem that started far back in the time. Since he was a kid Hanzo had those ‘blackouts’, as he usually calls them, where he couldn’t totally be in control. It has only worsened over time: now dissociative events are longer, more invalidating and exhausting than in the past.

One thing that affected him the most in school age was the impossibility for Hanzo to focus on a text for more than 30 minutes. He couldn’t bring himself to pay attention, in the back of his mind he was searching for a distraction, not just something more enjoyable, he wanted something different. This, paired with dyslexia and dysgraphia, led Hanzo to become a terrible student, no matter how actually talented and gifted he is (a proof of his normal, if not bright, intelligence is the ease with which Hanzo makes logic connections between several subjects and reaches often very clever conclusion).

(in constant development...)

[starwarsnonsense]

Top 10 Films of 2018 (So Far)

Since I quite like continuing old traditions, I wanted to do a post rounding up what I consider to be the ten best films of 2018 so far. This list includes a few films that came out in 2017 in the US, since they were only released here in the UK this year.

Have you seen any of the films I cover below? Have I piqued your interest in a title you might not have heard before? Let me know, and do share your favourites too!

1. Annihilation, dir. Alex Garland

This was my most anticipated film of the year, and my hype for it was more than rewarded. This is a marvellously rich and transporting science fiction film that isn’t afraid of taking the viewer to some very weird places. However, Annihilation doesn’t simply rely on its strangeness to succeed - it is also firmly rooted in its characters and themes, which has made it incredibly rewarding to return to. Natalie Portman is fantastic as Lena, and Annihilation is a brilliant showcase for her - Lena is a complex and frequently self-destructive character, riddled by guilt and regrets that shape the pulsating, luminescent world of the mysterious ‘Shimmer’ that she has to venture into. The Shimmer might seem like an environmental phenomenon at first, but it’s really more psychological, being a space that adapts according to the people who enter into it. This film overflows with fascinating and thought-provoking ideas, and it was entirely worth the hike I made over to Brooklyn to catch one of the final showings at the theatre (since Annihilation was denied a theatrical release in the UK, I made a point of seeing it while I was on holiday in New York). I think it will go down as one of the great science fiction films, and it belongs in the same conversations as 2001: A Space Odyssey and Solaris.

2. Beast, dir. Michael Pearce

This little British film - shot mostly on location in Jersey by a first-time director - was easily the biggest (and best) surprise I’ve had so far at the cinema this year. I literally had no idea this film existed until a day or so before I watched it, and that made the experience of viewing it even more wonderful. Moll (Jessie Buckley) is an isolated young woman who is stifled by her controlling family and quiet life on a remote island, as well as a secret sin that bubbles away underneath the surface. Her life is predictable - safe, repetitive and dull - until she meets Pascal, a mysterious local man who she finds she has an affinity with. However, there is a murderer haunting the island, taking the lives of young girls in the night. Who’s to blame, and what impact will the killings have on Moll and Pascal’s swiftly escalating romance? While that is a synopsis more than a review, I felt it necessary to explain the premise to try and compel you to seek this one out. Beast is raw, woozy and utterly absorbing - the love story between Moll and Pascal is one of the most passionate and gripping you’ll ever see on screen, and their chemistry is simply sensational. There’s a real gothic, fairy-tale edge to the story which appealed perfectly to my (admittedly rather niche) tastes. This is a real hidden treasure of a film - do yourself a favour and make it your mission to watch it.

3. Lady Bird, dir. Greta Gerwig

This film was so, so relatable, despite my not really having experienced an adolescence anything like “Lady Bird’s”. While the details of her life are very different from mine, I think anyone can relate to the sweeping brushstrokes - the tensions that can arise between parents and children, the thirst for freedom and independence that builds the closer you get to the final days of school, and the feelings of love and loyalty that are always there even when they’re unspoken. Greta Gerwig captures all of this and so much more with marvellous delicacy, balancing little moments that add colour and spark with more serious scenes so deftly that it’s amazing to think that this is her first feature. Lady Bird is a very specific and very beautiful film, and it’s special precisely because it feels universal even as it feels small and personal to its director. 

4. Eighth Grade, dir. Bo Burnham

This is the perfect double bill with Lady Bird, and the people who have dubbed this film “Lady Bird Jr” are right on the money. Elsie Fisher has a real star turn as the heroine Kayla, who is a very special child - she’s kind, sensitive and thoughtful, which basically means she’s my kind of superhero. But even as she is a good and sweet person, she is also going through all of the trials you’d expect a 13 year old to be facing in 2018, as she wrestles with acne, confusing feelings about super-dreamy boys, and the escalating anxiety that comes with a comment-free Instagram post. Like Lady Bird, this film succeeds in being both very specific and highly universal - the only social media I had to deal with as a teen were MySpace and Bebo, and I found that seeing Kayla wrestle with a whole kaleidoscope of feeds, devices and platforms made her strong grip on her integrity as a  funny and deeply warm-hearted individual all the more remarkable. Bo Burnham, as with Gerwig, made a pretty incredible film here - in particular you should watch out for the father/daughter dynamic, which is my favourite part. Eighth Grade is funny and generous, and the perfect medicine if you’re feeling demoralised by the state of the world right now.

5. The Breadwinner, dir. Nora Twomey

The Breadwinner is a really lovely animated film telling the story of Parvana, a young girl living with her family under the Taliban. When her father is taken off to prison, Parvana sees no other choice but to dress as a boy to provide for her mother and siblings. But how long will her disguise last? The story here was what really gripped me - it’s very simple, in both the telling and the themes, but it is truly beautiful in that simplicity. The emotions are very raw, and this film goes to some shockingly dark places at times - while I think it can be watched with children as long as they are mature enough for some challenging themes and upsetting moments, it’s likely to speak most strongly to adult audiences with a fuller appreciation for the context in which the film is set. It’s a great and moving alternative to more mainstream animated efforts, and is well worth your time.

6. Phantom Thread, dir. Paul Thomas Anderson

This was a delightfully twisted film with an absorbingly complicated and twisty relationship at its centre. Vicky Krieps is an absolute marvel as Alma, and it’s wonderful to see how she battles to bring the fragile and austere designer  Reynolds Woodcock (Daniel Day-Lewis) to heel. It’s also a beautiful film with rather fabulous fashions - if you love couture, particularly from the ‘50s, this will be a real treat. I also appreciated the many allusions to classic cinema - there are strong shades of Hitchcock’s Rebecca, as well as the underrated David Lean film The Passionate Friends. Check this out if you like your romantic dramas weird and entirely unpredictable.

7. Revenge, dir. Coralie Fargeat

Revenge is angry, sun-soaked and batshit insane - and it is pretty great for all of those reasons. It follows Jennifer, the teenage mistress of a sleazy married man. After a horrifying assault Jennifer returns, phoenix-like, to wreak her revenge upon her attackers. This movie was very much inspired by exploitation flicks, with their penchant for showing scantily clad (and frequently bloody) women wielding shotguns to hunt down the brutes who did them wrong. However, first-time director Coralie Fargeat takes every one of those tropes and owns them, ramping up the blood and giving the action a propulsive energy that keeps you gripped even as you know exactly where things are going. The soundtrack here is also one to look out for - it’s all pulsating synths that do a great job of building the suspense and tension from the get-go.

8. Lean on Pete, dir. Andrew Haigh

This is a very painful film in many ways, but it’s only painful because it does such a great job of earning your emotional investment. The lead of this film is Charley, a sensitive and quiet teenage boy who becomes attached to an ailing race horse as he seeks to escape his troubled home-life. When he finds himself in crisis, Charley takes the horse and they head off on a journey across the American heartland. Charlie Plummer is extraordinary as the lead here - Charley is the kind of character that makes you want to reach through the screen so you can offer him a hug of reassurance and support. The photography of the American countryside is exquisite, and means this film really deserves to be seen on the big screen - the breadth of the landscape gives all of the emotional drama some (richly deserved, in my view) extra punch.

9. You Were Never Really Here, dir. Lynne Ramsay

This is a very weird film (you’re probably noticing a theme at this point) but it’s completely absorbing. It’s very much actor-led, and the film rests on the shoulders of Joaquin Phoenix’s gripping and unpredictable performance - in some scenes he’s muttering in deference to his mother like a modern-day Norman Bates, while in others he’s portrayed almost as a lost boy in an overgrown body, disorientated by his environment and engaging in acts of extreme violence as if in a sort of trance. The narrative is fuzzy and unfocused, but I didn’t find that mattered much since I was too busy following every evolution of Phoenix’s face.

10. Thoroughbreds, dir. Cory Finley

Olivia Cooke and Anya Taylor-Joy make fantastic foils to one another as two appallingly privileged teenagers whose obscene wealth is only matched by their resounding lack of morals. This is a film that plays with your loyalties, trying to wrong-foot you at every turn - it’s frequently difficult to figure out what’s genuine here, and while that did sometimes leave me feeling a bit emotionally detached that’s usually the point. This film is more of an intellectual puzzle than a lean, mean, emotion-extracting machine (see: Lean on Pete), and it succeeds brilliantly on that level. The simplicity of the story means the fun lies in picking apart lines and expressions, so go in prepared for some close viewing.