#remembering the faith healing atm

[caffeinatedopossum]

Yippie its time for uncovering ~cult memories~ /s

[foggyparadisecandy]

So much I want to say again.

K if you read this, well ... I guess it doesn't matter any more. You've heard everything I have to say a hundred times and it wasn't enough. So maybe this is a goodbye note. I hope not.

I will always be here for you and you know that. I hope that brings you comfort even if you never reach out again.

You have options even if you can't see them atm. You control your destiny. Remember it.

It's a core strength of yours. You've temporarily forgotten it. You are hurting horribly. I see it and it bothers me so much. I am not your savior. I know that. You are your savior. You will be your savior. You just have to remember who you are - the woman I fell for.

Strong. Capable. Self-driven. Good. Caring. Sharp. You are a good person. I know you will find your way. I believe in you and I'm no dummy so ... maybe think on that for awhile. Maybe it's all true ... maybe you are an ass-kicker? Worth considering, right?

It's ok and you're going to be ok. I know that and have faith in you. Even if you don't. lol

I dislike how you gave up control of your life to be on autopilot to mask your pain. I dislike it ... but I understand it. I feel for you.

Find your way back to your core strengths.

I want to say stop abandoning yourself but it's a shit statement. It implies you know who you are and I'm not sure that's true atm. That's why you are giving in to escapist stuff, on the go.

Do your best to pause. Remember the river. The warm water washing away your worries. Find yourself in your river in the center of your mind. Relax there.

Meditate. Use that to quiet your mind. Skip the weed - it’s not doing you any good atm :( I know how hard it is for you rn - please be strong and heal.

Explore your feelings - I know you are dealing wish some serious bullshit but explore them. Look into Anxious Attachment style healing.

Be ok with expressing your needs. No one worthwhile will reject you or abandon you if you express yourself. Don't suffer quietly in anxiety.

Lol.

Look at me lecture and give advice again. Whatever. IDC - you said you always loved it so I won't judge myself for caring and sharing. And fuck do I still love and care for you. I think you love me too. And I get it - it seems impossible for you atm to find space for me. It’s not really impossible. It only seems that way because you are hurting.

Relationships can morph and evolve. Good people are worth finding ways to keep in our lives. I know … I know … It's so complicated and messy, isn't it?

I really wish you had included me in your decision. Once again, I was shut out. I'm sorry I wasn't more approachable. I feel like I let you down in so many ways. Ugh. It hurts tbh. It really fucking hurts. I'll be ok though - don't worry.

Keep an eye on your subconscious. It needs to be watched like a hawk - it doesn't seem to be your best friend tbh. I would honestly say it actively wants you to suffer. That's a fucking harsh statement and I'm probably way off-base but ... I think it's correct.

Your parents are behind you and can no longer harm you. But they've wired your identity to hurt. Recognize it. Heal. Remember who you are: strong, capable, a fighter.

Nobody wants you to hurt. You don't have to hurt. Choose to heal. You are a good person. Find that truth … because it is the truth.

It's extremely hard for loved ones to push me away ... and yet here we are. How in the world did you pull that off? Lol

But despite your efforts, I'll always be here for you. Haha

Well ... maybe not here, but you know how to find me.

No different than before, my feelings are consistent. My offers are genuine. My love is deep.

I ... am so ... empty atm ... lol.

Goodbye everyone - maybe not permanently - knowing me I'll be back in a few days.

Tumblr is not good for me. I would have left sooner but K insisted on using Tumblr's chat so ... like her good puppy dog, I stuck around here.

Hypno is not doing it for me. I think I'm still a pretty good tist lol but I've lost my passion for it.

I like the idea of finding a new good girl to have fun with but ... also ... I'm just not right atm. As much as I wish I was. I need to sort shit out and figure out motivations. I don't want to hurt anyone else and I don't want to be hurt.

The real problem is ... everything on this blog was for K. A long-ass love letter to her. And I don’t regret a second of the energy and time I put into it. She is worth it and more.

But now … she’s gone. So ... I guess I am too. For now.

Empty.

[chocodee]

I'm gonna get a Lil rambly. Lil weepy. Lil...iunno.

Content warning for mental health issues, bad thoughts, and general sad vibes atm.

Mostly a vent post.

Gonna go straight out the gate and say I don't know what I wanna do with my life. Hell, I don't even know how to know what to do with my life. I spent so long looking for the things I'd think would complete me, marching to the beat of a drum I feel like my family had been beating for me that at points I kinda don't know who I am.

I know I love art and writing. I love my wife. I love my friends. I just don't love myself. I don't really know how to. For decades now there's been this mindset of self sacrifice that, when looking back at it, was more of a grandiose "look at me" sort of business than actually helping people.

Hell I used to think some terrible things about other people. When I broke away from my family I ended up hitting a low point that I feel like I'm still suffering from.

Some days it feels like hornets spinning around in my head telling me to hate. Hate. Hate. Hate my family whom I left, hate my coworkers that I stand at political odds with, hate myself because I'm awful.

Those poisonous thoughts that lead me to plunge deeper into a darkness that I wish I could escape...

It's not all bad. I have my life and i am learning to enjoy it again, but healing and moving and dealing with my own addictions while trying to work up the joy to pursue my passions again.

It's painful. And I get so lost in my own head that I forget reality is a cruel and uncaring mistress. A friend of mine is facing being homeless, violent atrocities are being committed and excused. Hell people I'm next to who call themselves the most hard-core Christians are ready at a moments notice to break every commandment that's supposedly been set before them just to show how much they hate their neighbor.

I'm trying to regain my faith that I once had. In the world, in humanity, hell I've been trying to regain my faith in my religion (and turning in a way that my own family would find abhorrent but that's another rant altogether)

I don't know what i want to do but I don't want to die, but somedays it just gets so hard to go to bed because sleep brings tomorrow faster.

And I'm still trying to have hope. Because it's worth it and I want to have children but I refuse to have them when the world is about to collapse. This is a problem that I want to get through so I can make a place where i can be a father to raise a child that will be their own person.

I want to have hope again and want to feel like I'm living with purpose. Idk what it's gonna look like but, I guess at the end of the day I'll be happy when I won't have to worry about it anymore.

Till then I'm gonna be here and grumpy as fuck.

I don't know how to end this sorry for the rant. Needed to get thoughts out of my head.

Happy holidays. Remember, we're all we've got somedays.

[thedeathwitchescats]

I just cant tell my irl friends how Im doing anymore. Not bc they wont listen, but bc on this fucked up journey I call healing, I was forced to accept that they care about me. And now knowing that I cant let them care about me and also know whats wrong. I cant tell my best friend that I want to rip my fucking skin off sometimes bc randomly I remember things and all of a sudden I am having flashbacks to really fucked up shit. I cant tell my boyfriend that hearing certain pet names makes me want to cry. I cant tell anyone who unbelievably anxious I am that one day someone I love is gonna leave again. I cant tell anyone that I am not over a lot of shit and I cant tell them that I dont think I am ever gonna get over shit. I just cant talk about a lot of things with the people I love and I dont know what to do about that. I cant tell anyone about the anxiety that itches along my skin and eats away at my mind because I have accepted that their going to care. The people that I love are going to care. And I cant do shit about thst bc I cant tell tjem not to care bc if they were to say that to me I would care more. But thats the thing, I care to the extent that I have just accepted that if you are someone I love and adore, I am willing to fuck people up for you. I am willing to hurt people. I am willing to kill people. I am willing to do shit I should not be willing to do for those that I love. And I have had to accept that I am not the only person like that and that it is perfectly rational that some of the people I am around would also be that way. And I just, dont, know what to do about that I guess. Like, I just simply cant let people i love know what pain I am in. I am in pain and that has to just be my problem.

So instead I am just gonna rapid fire list off the shit on my head recently

1) I feel actually disgusted by the amount of people I have dated. I only fucked two ((ish)) of them so slay there I guess but still it disturbs me. It makes me hate myself so fucking much and I cry every time I think about it

2) I have never left a friendship or relationship on good terms. And I hate that.

3) no one in my family is a good person but none of them are all bad either. My grandmother is an abusive bitch, but she stood in the freezing cold for hours on end many many times to keep her kids fed. She got kicked out of a function thrown in her honor defending me. But she has also hurt me in more ways than one and left scars I can never heal. My mother has beat me, belitted me, and made me feel worthless my entire life. But she is also the first person I call when shit hits the fan bc I know she will be there to save me. My grandpa is my rock. But he is the reason my grandma had to stand out in the freezing cold, bc he was cheating on her. No one in my family is a good person but no one is all bad either

4) I dont remember enough of some things to actually know what happened. I dont remember large gaps of my childhood yea, but I also just dont remember kther things that are really important. And it makes me sick wkth anxiety

5) I jump to the worst conclusions about things. If someone tells me their upset I am half way to putting them on suicide watch bc idk whats gonna happen

6) I thought my best friend was dead for four months and when I found out he was still alive everyone expected me to get the fuck over that as though him being dead didnt impact a large portion of my personality and who i am and really emotionally fucked me up. Also finding out he was alive destroyed my trust in everything including my own religion and faith for a hot minute and I am still not completely trusting of anything again

Yea thats all I can think of atm but eieieie loll

[hotgirltarot]

Pick A Card: How will You be Impacted the Rest of 2021?

Hello Baddies! We hope you're ready, because it's time for another Pick A Card! This time we are looking into what the rest of 2021 has in store for you, and more precisely what will impact you in this second half of the year. Choose your pile down below and read what the rest of 2021 has in store for you! Remember to have fun with it and take what resonate and leave what doesn't! Tips are accepted and appreciated at $DejaWash19. We accept Paypal as well! Pile 1: Amazonite (Cloud) Pile 2: Labradorite (Turtle) Pile 3: Clear Quartz (Pyramid) Pile 4: Pink Halite (Cluster)

Pile 1: Amazonite (Cloud)

Hello pile 1! There are a few minor changes coming to you the rest of 2021 but most of them require you to be calm, gentle and let spirit be your guide. All your changes will make you a better person and are for the better. We are here to warn you of a problem, either now or in the next few months that will come from you making a poor choice or decision. At the time, you may not have known it was a poor decision and it will create some conflict for you. You will want to try to defend yourself, be a little stubborn and refuse to compromise. However, your Spirit Guides want you to remain calm and grounded in your communication. You will gain respect of others and find common ground that is pleasing to you if you do. Remember that understanding others and their needs will be more powerful at this time than putting your own first. If you do that, you will be rewarded tenfold. This next half of the year, the change needs to happen within yourself and how you externalize and/or deal with negativity. there might have been people or a significant other that has wronged you in the past, something that affected you deeply. It is time to let those feelings go and forgive if you can. If you are not ready for forgiveness, allowing those feelings to be processed and let go of will do you a lot of good. It is time to be the bigger person if this is someone that acted immaturely or unfairly towards you. This rest of 2021, you will be able to have a healthier relationship with yourself and others and recognize the signs and red flags when it comes to emotional issues.

Spirit is warning you to listen to your intuition and pick your battles carefully. Some situations and people in your life are not as they appear to be, trust your instincts to see past the illusion... Think before you act, don't be impulsive when it comes to conflicts, and be careful of your words. Some of you are going to be challenged by insecurities and repressed emotions as they will resurface by the end of the year that you will have to heal before moving into 2022. There is a strong focus on starting new traditions and doing things on your own for the rest of 2021. Luck is on your side and a big change is coming into your life, a positive change. The path to this change will not be an easy one as the Universe has to prepare you for it. Spirit is encouraging you on healing past issues and move past your fears and anxiety. You will need to be confident and have faith in your own abilities when this change comes into your life. Your guides and Angels are assisting and protecting you. All the answers you have are positive as long as you take the courage to make the change and work on yourself. Be more positive and make sure to write a gratitude list. If things are getting too stressful and you are having a hard time coping with your emotions make sure to write them out it will be easier for you to deal with.

Pile 2: Labradorite (Turtle)

Hi Pile 2! This pile has a hard time staying on the path. You are letting external forces, your fears, and anxiety sway you away from your path easily. Spirit is encouraging you to stand up for what you want/believe in. Be strong-willed and maintain control of your own life. The Universe may be challenging you right now to see if you will give up easily. Don’t lose sight of the end goal, stay focused, and trust your intuition. There are a lot of blessings coming to you and this phase will not last forever. Trust the divine timing, be self-aware, take control of your own life, and don't expect others to do everything for you. You have all the answers. There is a strong focus on physical appearance and not enough on inner beauty, don't forget that beauty is internal as well as external.

The big change coming for you this year is consistency. You have projects, ideas, and goals, but it's all something that stays in the abstract. It is time to get back to the drawing bord and set up a plan because this remainder of the year is the time to materialize them! You are the type of person that gets discouraged easily in front of setbacks or go into these funks where you feel low vibrational. Now, you will start to understand that consistency is key, regardless of obstacles. When you keep at it and get back up or don't stop in front of obstacles, the options are limitless! Your happiness is a result of being one with Spirit’s plan for your life. Remember, all your hard work and commitment will pay off and are reciprocated by the universe. Hold your vision of the future, avoid stagnation, and have faith. You will discover this new side of yourself that can achieve whatever it wants when you put your mind to it. If there is clutter around you, or people that only bring you down, it is time to get rid of them! We only put our best foot forward from now on, and we bring with us only the people that want to see us thrive and give constructive criticism. By the end of the year, you will be in a happy place, feeling joy and contentment and a sense of fulfillment. Also, there is possibly new love coming in! You will get to know someone and build a solid foundation for a potential long-term commitment ♥

Pile 3: Clear Quartz (Pyramid)

The first half of the year may have felt chaotic, be externally (situations around you), or internally (within you/chaotic thoughts and emotions). You may be in a situation where you don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel or where you have so many options you don’t know which one to pick.

Spirit wants you to surrender and trust the universe right now. Don't be scared of the unknown and dare to take action. There is a person in your life who could be a friend, family member, or lover who is not treating you well or giving you what you want/need in a relationship, and they will never do it. You need to get away from this situation. Stop and look at how many things you have accomplished in the past, and you will continue to do so in the future. Celebrate yourself! In the next months, you will be living your happy ever after and can look forward to your plans/ projects being successful. If you have been away from family, friends, or in a long-distance relationship you can expect to reunite with them by the end of the year. Don't give up and keep working hard, stay committed to your plans. The effort you are putting in right now will pay off and lead to great rewards. Even if now you feel like it's getting hard and the stress is taking over, don't give up. You are so close to achieving success! Your Spirit Guides and Angels are assisting and working things out for you at the moment. You might not have all the facts and all the tools yet, but you are still in a good position. Don't give up! The skills and lessons you are learning now will help you moving forward in life. You will come from this experience smarter and with more self-confidence from achieving your dreams. Do things that keep you motivated, meditate more and make sure your mental health is taken care of.

A major theme of the rest of the year will be for you to take a leap of faith and step out of your comfort zone. You need to face a fear and get over it. You are supported by your guides, and you will be taken care of in difficult times. Stand on your own two feet and know that you can take on anything that comes to you. While you may be in chaos and conflict right now, know that success is assured. Another change coming for you is peace. Peace of mind, in your current situation, and sorting things out. You will get into the flow of life in general. You should remember to always meditate, today and everyday, as it will help calm the turbulence around you. Also, you may have a reconciliation with an old friend or lover. We are here to remind you to make time for friendship. Let the people around you know how much they matter to you. Also, there is a new stream of money or abundance coming to you. This will flourish by the end of the year, making you more secure and rewarded.

Pile 4: Pink Halite (Cluster)

This Pile is inherently strong-willed and confident in yourself, what you do, and what you believe in. However, we see this pile is feeling burnt out and has a lot of responsibilities in their life atm. You are feeling stressed and there is a huge weight on your shoulders right now that is making your feel stuck. Don't let delays in your life make you lose focus from your goal. You are getting a little called out Pile 4 for being a little lazy. You may be trying to get rewards without putting the work in. There is a new cycle coming for you, a beginning of renewed confidence and energy. You are ready to do you and go after your goals. Know that your dreams can come true! Your life has the potential for profound transformation by the end of the year. Keep manifesting, keep demanding your desires from the Universe because Spirit is ready to support you and give you what you want as soon as you start putting in the work and stop making excuses. There is a strong female figure in your life who will protect you and help you overcome your problems. Be open to receiving constructive criticism from people in your life and listen to it. Be more open-minded and willing to change for your own good. Don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it from your friend, family, and Spirit Guides! Asking people for help can be a big step for some of you in your emotional and spiritual growth. Make sure you are looking for affection in the right places some people won't give it to you no matter how hard you try to please them. You're not for everyone! Embrace your weirdness and accept yourself for who you are. Work on self-love, spend some time with yourself, and enjoy your own company. Don't stop working on yourself! Now is a thrilling time of epiphanies, inspired ideas and innovation. New experiences are coming your way, be ready for change. Luck is on your side! Keep being optimistic, tap into your spirituality and have faith! For some of you, there is a romantic vibe in this reading. If you are involved with someone that where things have never evolved into romantic territory, this might be a sign that things will move to the next level. Or it could be someone completely new, a new romantic interest where things start off more physical. Explore, examine and do not fear the changes that may come, for Spirit wants to shower you with love, success and abundance that you hope to experience. Also, you may embark on a new career/job or promotion by the end of the year. Expect the unexpected for the rest of 2021! Gifts given, new romance, secret admirers and new experiences to name a few. However, be careful in money matters. Try not to indulge too much and go overboard when you are in a period of happiness.

[dontcallmecarrie]

Hey, I vicariously live in my imagination to escape from the reality.

So, I have been wondering about the Rogues reaction to Tony defeating thanos, the IronSmaug, taking over the world etc...

Have a go at it, if you are interested.

It's also fine if you dont.

thanks, I really, really needed the distraction. it's been. an interesting week. not in a good way.

.

tbh, the whole 'what does Team Cap think about this mess?' thing in TWiFFON is...something I had originally been torn about, and everything that's been happening ever since means I keep finding myself going "do I have the energy to tackle this? lol no".

For some context, because you probably know my stance on this sort of thing but I prefer redundancy just to make sure we're on the same page: once upon a time, I honestly, genuinely did like the Avengers. All of them, and yes, that included Wanda [...for less than an hour, but still].

Back when I still had faith in the writers, I was constantly going "...okay, so when are these guys going to stop acting so OOC? Where tf are they planning on taking these character arcs?" and just being disappointed at each turn— but I stuck around because I liked the potential. Steve "what do you mean punching fascists isn't cool anymore?" Rogers, Natasha "my past is a tire fire and I'll just leave it at that" Romanov, Clint "where's Loki? Let me at him!" Barton and the rest of the group had their good points, and I gave myself a headache trying to figure out wtf was their thought process when the time came for them to do their thing in TWiFFON.

It wasn't fun, I only did it because it was absolutely necessary... and I still ended up receiving complaints.

Look: for me, character bashing is exhausting. I have enough going down in my life that I don't have any interest in writing it, and over the past few years I've seen more than one of the fandoms I follow/lurk in become salt mines that have me going "...okay, if you hate it so much, why are you even here?"

When I write, I try my best to emphasize the 'actions have consequences' thing I learned long before I hit puberty; but that doesn't mean I'm up for anything beyond that. Again, I used to like these characters, so seeing the levels of suffering canon— and some writers— put them through just has me stepping back for a moment.

But TWiFFON attracted a lot of people who were pretty far out there in terms of what they wanted, some of whom got very very pissy when it wasn't the story I wanted to write, which is...probably like 99% of the reason I'm still burned out on that AU. Apart from the recent personal life bs that means I am Not Up To Dealing With any hypothetical rando that shows up in my inbox, because normally I could not care less about what people think but my energy levels are. Um. Not great atm. Not sure I wouldn't bite anyone's head off if they wanted to start something right now, tbh, or just ragequit writing for a while because I have way better things to do with my time than deal with random internet assholes.

...apologies for the tangent, but now you know why that situation is one I'm normally kinda reluctant on tackling.

As for what I'd originally headcanoned:

Back before things hit the fan, I'd originally planned to have some little interlude snippets of what Team Cap's been dealing with. Mostly, it would've forced them to acknowledge that for all none of them liked or trusted Tony, he was basically just the personification of what the rest of the world thought of them.

Nobody respects them, anymore, or trusts them; Clint'd be in very hot water and sleeping on the couch for a while, and Hank Pym would never let Scott hear the end of his involvement in this whole thing because Hank hates the Stark name and the English language cannot concisely articulate just how pissed off he was that he had to publicly thank Tony.

Team Cap overall would also start to fall apart at the seams as more and more stuff came out and ey, turns out the leader they'd trusted and broken international laws for had lied to them.

By omission, sure, but honestly— do you think that'd go down well? The "oh yeah, I've known my brainwashed friend killed his parents since DC but I am not going to tell him unless I'm forced to" thing?

I don't know about you, but I for one highly doubt Sam Wilson would be okay with that. Or Clint, for that matter, and the list goes on because the more time passes, the more stuff keeps coming out of the woodwork and for the first time in years, they're forced to deal with it.

One of the things I planned to include in the sidefic can basically be summed up as "the curious case of Bucky Barnes": that is to say, what'd happen after he's taken into custody, and poke lightly at the clusterfuck we're unpacking here. Tony, feeling bad for losing control in the bunker, would basically go "shit I fucked up but I also never want to see him again but he's an even bigger mess than I am, that's a whole lot to unpack so you know what? I'm just throwing out the suitcase entirely here, have all the resources for support and help and if I ever see you again, it'll be too soon".

...to sum up, it's messy af. SI Legal would feature heavily because his particular case means he needs a team of lawyers, what with the 'former POW who's trying to recover from All The Trauma' thing, and the 'so I literally was just trying to buy some damn groceries when you guys dragged me into this', and Tony basically went "hey, so if anyone wants to help him, uh, I kinda have some interest in this one. Fair warning, dude probably killed Kennedy while mind-controlled, with our luck".

And along the way, there'd also be some of that one subplot I'd cut due to pacing issues: specifically, the one dealing with prosthetics.

Remember how Miriam Sharpe said her son would never walk again? Yeah, we'd be revisiting that: her family'd get a letter or something inviting them for clinical trials, and meet Rhodey in passing as he's using his own leg braces to get around because he's still healing. Bucky would get a few design offers for a free replacement for his arm, and it'd probably end up being a collab with Wakanda because T'Challa feels bad for his role in that mess as well.

So Team Cap would be seeing this, seeing how everyone's acting and reacting, and the way one of their own is getting all the help and support Stark Industries has to offer and realizing that yeah, they messed up. Big time.

...depending on my salt levels and how close we're sticking to canon, I was thinking this'd go one of two ways.

Either they'd double down and just go "ugh, Tony is a supervillain and we can't do anything about it!" while TWiFFON marches on and then later go "...you mean he did it by accident?!", or...

Well, canon's proven character development and continuity isn't really in their writers' vocabulary. So my original idea of 'they're forced to deal with the reality of the situation, acknowledge they messed up and slowly move on with their lives' would've been very unrealistic.

Again, most of this is intentionally vague, I had not been keen to tackle that mess in TWiFFON in the first place and the way things exploded on me means I really, really don't have the energy to do so now. Not when there's far better things I could do with my time, like mess around with AUs where people actually get along, or knit, or— well, the list goes on.

[cheekblush]

happy birthday my beautiful angel !!! oh my goodness, i hope you know that i’m not ignoring you or tht i’m not seeing your posts but i just feel like i bombard you w messages and feel so guilty for doing so bc you have sm on your plate as it is and i don’t want you to feel pressured to reply to me !!!! that’s the last thing i want! i love you sm! and ik you have so much going on atm in regards to relationships and i just want you to know that you’re not alone! it’s honestly so common and i feel like that just shows how many issues we all have, no matter how hard we try to present otherwise 😪 i promise you matters will improve my dear! there will be light at the end of the tunnel! but i just wanted to say that you make me so happy, just the thought of the smile on your face when you see my messages means the world to me and your kindness for others is one i wish you’d show yourself bc you truly are most deserving of it my beautiful darling 💖💕🏹✨💒 you make me so proud, i hope you know tht no matter what happens, you’ve got me in your corner, i am forever in your corner my darling! it’s kind of wild that when i started this it was bc of a little nerd crush i had and i was just so in awe of your light and positivity, i just had to say something to you, and then it became this lol ... i can’t believe you think i’m your guardian angel when in fact kathi, you’re mine 🔒🖇👼🏼 and i’m so beyond blessed for you !!! i even told my loved ones abt you 😭😭😭 ((felt like i further reinforced how peculiar i am to them lmao)) but you and your light mean a lot to me ... you’re just so wonderful my love and i hope you know that! thank you for being so wonderful ... oh my goodness my auto-correct just changed that to ‘wife’ .. OH 😭 anyway, i love you! i love you! i love you! i love you! i hope you have the most wonderful day! and you get everything your beautiful heart desires my love, many happy returns of the day 🎈 i hope you and your loved ones are safe and sound! nothing but love for you my dear! i love you ALWAYS ! 💕🦋🌙🌷🧚🏻‍♀️🐚💌🍓🧸

okay second try bc apparently tumblr hates when i type out long replies... (i put a read more bc of course i couldn’t shut up as always sdjhdfksdjkdk)

my goodness... where do i even begin???????? 😭😭😭💘💘💘🥺🥺🥺💖💖💖🤧🤧🤧💗💗💗 how do i collect my thoughts and form a coherent sentence when i'm just so overwhelmed by the LOVE i feel for you!?!? 🥺💘😭 (i'm literally that picture of usagi rn reading your message back and forth and being absolutely in LOVE with you 💓💘💓)

first and foremost of course, i want to wholeheartedly thank you for thinking of me on my birthday and sending me such a lovely, thoughtful and warmhearted message 💌 and please don't you EVER apologize or feel guilty for sending me your beautiful messages my dearest guardian angel!! every single message of yours has quite literally saved and rescued me and given me so much hope and faith!! 🌟💗🌟 i'm the one who has to apologize for i make you wait so long for my replies 😔 your messages NEVER put me under any pressure, on the contrary, they are such a delight and source of happiness and joy to me! 🧸💫🎀🍭🎠✨ every single message of yours has made me feel so loved, cared for, understood, supported and SEEN 💗💗💗 so please don't ever think that you burden or bother me with your messages, that is absolutely not the case! i'm simply a lacking person and sometimes take forever to reply 😭 and to be quite honest i thought you'd be fed up with me by now.... like i would genuinely understand if you didn't want to talk to me anymore... but you still show up, check in on me, stay patient with me and show me so much unwavering support, love and kindness even though i am such a lacking person 🥺💖😔 i truly don't think that i deserve you and i will probably never understand why and how you chose me out of all people, but i am infinitely grateful for your presence in my life 🤍🕊🎐 (i just noticed that we really do this every single time.. you apologize for sending me too many messages and i apologize for not replying enough sdfhsjhfjskd we're really quite the pair, huh? 🤭💗)

as always a simple thank you will never be enough and all the words in the english dictionary don't suffice to properly describe my gratitude and love for you 🥺💗🥺 at this point i could write a whole novel talking about how much i love, treasure, adore, cherish, admire and appreciate you and it still wouldn't be enough!! i really think that i can never express my immense gratitude, love and appreciation for you enough, i can only hope that you know how much you truly mean to me and how much you have helped me 🥺💘💓💖💞💗💕🥺 these days i seem to receive bad news every other day and i'm really starting to think that someone up there has it out for me but then again they also sent you, my beloved guardian angel 👼🏼, to watch over me so i am incredibly blessed after all 💫💓💫 you shine so much light on me and my life and every time i am at my lowest you magically appear in my inbox and shower me in so much warmth, love, comfort, support, understanding and kindness 💖🌟💖 and it honestly baffles me how fondly you think of me.. 🥺💘 you always say the nicest and sweetest compliments about me and view me in such a positive light that i can't help but blush and smile 💞🥰💞 i really cannot believe that you see me this way and think so highly of me 😭💘🥺 and you started messaging me because you had a crush on me??????????????? and you even told your loved ones about me???????????? 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭💘💘💘💘💘💘💘💘💘💘💘💘💘💘💘💘💘💘🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖 i'm??????????????? truly?????????????????? omg??????????????? what????????????????? how??????????? why????????????? my heart is about to burst from all the love i feel for you!!!!!!!!!!! 💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓(what did you even tell them tho?? there's this girl who always takes ages to reply to me sjfhsdjkfhksjdf now i feel even more ashamed and guilty 😭🙈) and autocorrect changing wonderful to wife kfhskdfhsjf at this point i might as well be your wife!!! 👰🏼💍💖 we exchanged secret love letters and now we secretly got married so that our disapproving parents wouldn't find out 🤫💌💍👰🏼💕🤭 (do you remember our medieval love story?? kdfksdef 🕯💌🪔) truthfully every single word of yours is like honey for the heart and soul, like a balm that heals all my wounds and pain 🍯💛💫 i do not know and probably will never comprehend what i did to deserve this but what i do know is that it is such a privilege, honor and blessing to be loved by you! 💘💓💖💞💗💕 to experience your love, kindness, care, generosity and support is truly a miracle that i will treasure and be thankful for all my life 💝 i feel like i keep going in circles with this reply and just repeating myself over and over again so let me end this already way too long reply simply:

I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU!!!!! 💘💓💖💞💗💕🌟💖💞💗💕💘💓🌟💖💞💗💕💘💓🌟💖💞💗💕💘💓🌟💖💞💗💕💘💓🌟💖💞💗💕💘💓🌟💖💞💗💕💘💓🌟💖💞💗💕💘💓🌟💘💓💖💞💗💕🌟💖💞💗💕💘💓🌟💖💞💗💕💘💓🌟💖💞💗💕💘💓🌟💖💞💗💕💘💓🌟💖💞💗💕💘💓🌟💖💞💗💕💘💓🌟💖💞💗💕💘💓🌟💘💓💖💞💗💕🌟💖💞💗💕💘💓🌟💖💞💗💕💘💓🌟💖💞💗💕💘💓🌟💖💞💗💕💘💓🌟💖💞💗���💘💓🌟💖💞💗💕💘💓🌟💖💞💗💕💘💓🌟💘💓💖💞💗💕🌟💖💞💗💕💘💓🌟💖💞💗💕💘💓🌟💖💞💗💕💘💓🌟💖💞💗💕💘💓🌟💖💞💗💕💘💓🌟💖💞💗💕💘💓🌟💖💞💗💕💘💓🌟💖💞💗💕💘💓🌟💖💞💗💕💘💓🌟💖💞💗💕💘💓🌟💖💞💗💕💘💓🌟

[lyteupthelyfe]

sometimes i think doing a worst-class maddening cf was not a very smart idea

i know i haven't documented much of this playthrough but like. i'm only up to ch14, but the derdriu map is ridiculous. like you have to defeat claude to end the map but to do that you have to get past lysithea, hilda, and a bunch of endless reinforcements. which like, i managed to do on like my billionth attempt

like myrddin i had to two-turn by having bernie dance caspar up to judith to take her out (otherwise leonie + co. turn up and judith flees), but like at this rate i can imagine cf only gets harder lmaoooooo

specifics of derdriu below the cut

after trying like a million times and dying to reinforcements or wyverns or bow knights, i came up with a strategy that i hoped could maybe work in starting formation, i have hubert (wyvern rider) up top left, to try and take out the guys on the far left of the map who, if you don't take them out, spawn reinforcements for turn four/five. bottom left i have petra (mage) and ferdinand (war monk) to head out and bait the turn 2 bow knight reinforcements, since they're my main dodge tanks. linhardt (brigand) has stride equipped, and uses it turn 1 on jeritza (death knight, using faith and bows to attack), bernie (dancer), constance (fortress), caspar (sniper), byleth (dark flier) and dorothea (pegasus). hubert immediately heads to the warrior (gets there for turn 2), petra and ferdie go to the south, while lin uses stride. most of lysithea's group is dealt with by the end of turn 1 thanks to stride, and turn 2 is when nader, his wyverns and his bow knights show up. three of those wyverns immediately head to the city. they become a big problem. byleth and hubert take care of the warrior on turn 2, so those reinforcements won't come (thank goodness), while because through a little bit of DP trial and error, i move my main force over to the west with another stride because the wyverns are in the worst possible position atm and are about to force like half my army to retreat, not to mention the enemy sniper that happens to be around too. it's worth mentioning that right before this, because i couldn't do much else, i had edelgard (bishop) gambit blessing onto linhardt, bernadetta, and constance (this is the most that edelgard contributes to this battle). i start moving hubert over to the northwestern cavalier, so that when turn four comes, there'll be even less reinforcements. (this was one of my main goals: the cavalier summons two other cavaliers that have like seven movement). once the wyverns move into the city, they're easy to handle while byleth and hubert shape up for the cavalier. oh, and petra and ferdinand are in the thick of the bow knights, unfortunately getting kinda low on hp. i hope they don't retreat. those bow knights would be bad news for my main force. the cavalier falls, the main group heads for hilda, while petra and ferdie are holed up in some forests, healing up. for some reason the bow knights don't want to target ferdie, so they're all aggro'd on petra. four of them, to be exact. and three of them are gonna double. they also all have a 43/47% chance (i don't remember which) of hitting her. at this point i'm almost certain that she's gonna retreat. except she doesn't. she avoids every. SINGLE. HIT. and flings fire back at them. she even manages to k.o. two of them. so now petra's still alive and she and ferdie can easily handle the last two bow knights, and after that start moving to join up with the main group. this is where things get interesting. i try and fail to gambit hilda's group several times, and as a result jeritza and constance retreat, though not before dishing out some damage (because, dw, i'm doing this on casual, even if it's maddening mode). i'm also almost out of divine pulses. oops. byleth and hubert take out the northern sniper, and eventually hilda and her posse, as well as a couple wyvern reinforcements, are taken out too, albeit with edelgard, linhardt, bernie and dorothea retreating in the process. finally, we can hone in on claude, and with hubert falling to a warrior (whose group is quickly taken out with some gambiting on petra's part), it's up to caspar, petra, ferdie and byleth to win the map. next, some more ridiculous luck. caspar baits out two snipers, managing to get both of them with a 12% crit counterattack. a third and fourth sniper are dealth with, and now caspar can move to one of two spaces where he can both attack claude and not get targeted by any enemy. so, with one more curved shot from capsar, byleth can get a nice 70 hit, 19 mt, 1-range fire to take out claude, and do something i didn't do on my first cf playthrough: spare him. thus, that

nightmare is over. only four more chapters to go.

[elaniadventuresinlondon]

Mercy, not sacrifice.

“Go and learn what this means, I desire mercy, not sacrifice.”

Everyday I go out for a walk, at least one person approaches me for something, sometimes 2 or 3 depending how long the walk is. It’s been like this for a while. I usually attract homeless folks but sometimes it’s just people who are nearby. I think it’s my cheeks.

Here are a few folks who taught me something about my heart vs. God’s heart.

Joseph. Homeless, in his 30s. I’ve met him several times. The first time, at the train station. He was drunk and he ran up to me while I was holding my guitar. It was one of my first times playing publicly and just to worship over an area. “Wheee! Play me a song! Are you any good!?” “Play me an original!” We had a nice chat. I introduced him to my friends. He received prayer and we shared the gospel to him. He didn’t want a bible. But he wanted songs. He listened to me for an hour and made jokes. We all sang Amazing Grace together. He knew all the other homeless folks at the train station. I asked him who his close friends were. And he said he didn’t have any. I said, I’ll see you again and we parted ways. The most striking thing I saw was that while we were singing, another homeless man came up to him, and asked him for some money. And Joseph gave him some change he had in his pocket! Joseph really didn’t have anything it seemed but he gave without hesitation. I was amazed and remembered what I saw.

I saw him again a week later as my other friends and I were walking down the canal. He was drinking with another friend but this time he looked cleaned up, and not like a homeless person. But I could tell he was down. More sober than last time. My friends didn’t know that I knew him already and they start evangelizing to him and his friend. He just sits there and doesn’t complain, but doesn’t look like he’s listening. He tells us he doesn’t believe in God and that he’s not into religion. So I get it, he’s just really not interested. I ask God for a word of knowledge... and all I hear is “he loves fried chicken.” I ask God for more... and that’s all I hear. I debate if it’s worthwhile to even mention. So as we are about to leave, I could tell he is still downcast. My friend turns to me and says “was there something you wanted to share?” and I end up saying “aww I dunno it’s so silly, but I asked God if he wanted to say anything to you, and all I heard was “he loves friend chicken.” At that Joseph bursts out laughing and says “of course I love fried chicken!! Everyone loves fried chicken!” And almost everyone in the group was like “well it’s not my favorite or go to choice of meal.” And the whole dynamics of conversation changes. Joseph at least knows that God knows the very exact things his tastebuds love. We leave Joseph and he ends up saying to me, “I’m sure I’ll see you again.” I said yup! God is like that.

I wish I knew at that time, but I didn’t realize it at the time. I kept asking God why did you only say “he loves fried chicken.” Like nothing more? But then 15 min later, after we had walked away. I felt God say “feed him.” And I was like doh!! How could I have not realized it. So the next time I see Joseph, I’ll be ready to hunt for some fried chicken and just have a chat.

George. He sits by the entrance to Sainsbury, a very strategic location as many people walk by him on the way into this huge grocery store. I first met him with Grace, and we both pray for him and his leg. He is coughing and we ask if he is sick. He says, “I’m Sik.” But it doesn’t register that he’s referring to his faith. So we keep on praying for his health. Haha!

I saw him again a few weeks later as I stood in line for Sainsbury. He points at me and says “Mongolia!”

I say, “No I’m not Mongolian. But your name is George!”

He gasps! Eyes wide open and makes big arm motions, “how do you know my name!?”

“Because Jesus knows you’re name. Do you know Jesus? He knows you and invites you to know him.” People in line in front of me turn to see who I am.

George holds up a bible, apparently someone gave it to him. It’s a nice one. Looks new.

“I’m Sik,” he says. I realize he is talking about his faith. I’m about to pray for him since the line is moving along. But he stand up and says “ok ok thank you! Yes ok ok thank you!” I said why are you thanking me? I haven’t done anything for you.” And he gets in line for groceries right behind me, cutting the other people in line behind me. He just keeps thanking me as the lines moves along and we are both in the grocery store. He points to the ATM and says “thank you thank you.” I said, “oh you didn’t ask me what you wanted, but I’m not going to give you cash.” He says “I just want to make a call to my daughter in Romania. Ask the lady.” So I walk up to the lady behind the counter and say “that man would like to make a call? Is that something he does here?”

She says “I sell SIM cards and top up.”

I said ok, “how much is it to make a call?”

“You can buy increments of £5, £10, £15 and up...”

“Ok I’ll do £5.”

“No £10 please! Thank you! It’s very expensive to call Romania.” George shouts

“Ok £10.” She hands me a receipt and I give that to George. He thanks me profusely and tells me he is seeing a doctor tomorrow because he has really bad psoriasis. I pray for him in the store and he receives the prayer and thanks me. And he says he will pray for me too.

I realized that if he had asked me for £10 I would not have given it to him, but because he told me he just wants to speak to his daughter and go home, I felt compassion for him and £10 wasn’t hard to give at all.

Caroline. 20s. She was a very thin, tall girl with blue eyes, bad teeth, but a nice sweet smile. I think she does drugs. I was in line for a grocery store cuz that’s what I do for fun nowadays. And I didn’t even need anything just curious what’s inside. She addresses everyone in line saying “would anyone like to buy a drawing?” She holds up her tattered journal.

I respond “ooh! You’re an artist! What do you like to draw?”

She kinda ignores me and says, “anyone? A drawing for 50 pence? 20?” Her smile fades as she speaks. No one acknowledges her. No one is talking to anyone else in line. People are like spectators.

“I’ll buy one!” I say happily. “What are you gonna draw? I’ll take anything!”

She starts tearing off the cover of her journal which has a drawing. “Oh you don’t need to tear off your cover, I’ll take anything you drew.”

“I’m sorry this is all I have.” She hands me the page. It looks like a drawing of herself. I say “is this you?” “Uh no.” she says. I give her all the change I have. I ask her if I can pray for her.

“Pray? Uhh” she gets nervous. I sense something demonic is talking to her. “Yup, I’d love to pray for you.” I should’ve just started praying, but she holds her hand out and shrinks and says “I’m sorry, I can’t bear to part with that.” I give the drawing back to her and say oh you can keep it, but I’d love still love to pray with you.” But then she just takes it and walks away quickly.

It’s now my turn to go into the grocery store. I think about that interaction and what I could’ve done differently. But I don’t hear God’s whisper until I’m out of the grocery store. He whispers “I leave the 99, and go after the one.” And wow it hits me like a ton of bricks. I could have left the line and gone after her.

I’m learning...

God’s love is so crazy. I don’t know why I never imagined the lady with an issue of bleeding, the demoniac, or the blind men, the lepers, or man with a shriveled arm - all of these people in the Bible whom Jesus healed - were probably like our modern day homeless folks. And here they are some of the most amazing displays of God’s glory! Lord help me not overlook your children.

[picturestees]

When I served a church in Woodstock, NY. This Holy Shamoley it’s a bobby dazzler shirt is available at our Picturestee store, this is a new model for 2019. I knew about an expression, Holy Holy Shamoley! Towels from a member of the church. His name is Knud Hansen, a wonderful man, a very faithful servant of God. Together with his wife, Gladys, they are the pillars of the church. They are also known as Grandma Grandpa and Grandma’s Youth. He was very wise and had profound knowledge of Christian history, but one day he told me that he did not know how to withdraw money from ATM, because Gladys was taking care of those problems. Right now, you can imagine what he is like. One of his expressions is Islamic Holy Shamoley! Another person is the Grim Reaper.

Holy Shamoley it’s a bobby dazzler shirt

  These are expressions of wonder. Quickly order limited clothing with this Holy Shamoley it’s a bobby dazzler shirt at Picturestee store. They are what you say when you experience something so great that you can start looking for words to express it. So you say, Holy Holy Shamoley! Talk about what Jews say when Moses leads them out of their bondage in Egypt. And that is the same thing that the people of Galilee expressed when they witnessed the healing and miraculous ministry of Jesus. They say that this is definitely a prophet who will enter the world, this is really just a strange theological way of talking about Holy Holy Shamoley! Holy God! This is extraordinary! I am actually checking to make sure it is not April 1. I am very surprised at the breadth of this list.

tank top

guys tee

Holy Shamoley it’s a bobby dazzler shirt, ladies, v-neck t-shirt, tank top, flowy tank

  I mean, PayPal itself only supports 20 kinds of change, I think. Picturestee.com store is selling this  Holy Shamoley it’s a bobby dazzler shirt. I mean, Real Brazil? Literally almost no support payment processor there. And believe me, I found them. This is great news. Friends, one of the best ways to lead us deeper and deeper into the relationship with Him / She is thanks to St. Shamoley’s experience! The trouble is, we have left the religious experience. The birth of scientific rationalism has blessed us in many ways through discoveries and progress that help us stay healthy and live longer. But scientific rationalism also has its limitations. According to its nature, it is not really serious enough the importance of mystery and wonder and wonder.

ladies tee

Usually we are led to believe that life can be reduced only by truth. This is the updated Holy Shamoley it’s a bobby dazzler shirt 2019 trend of Picturestee store. That there is no holy shamoley. Everything is just a chemical reaction of one type or another. And so we found ourselves standing on an afternoon looking up at the beautiful rainbow and we understood the science behind it, but we missed the meaning behind science. That rainbow is a sign from God. Remember? In Genesis? It is made for us! Now the next thing that the Apostle Paul teaches is that we need to learn how to know God love – to see it and experience it every day.

Holy Shamoley it’s a bobby dazzler sweater, hoodie, and long sleeve

  Experience love as fuel that drives our love! Picturestee.com store is selling this  Holy Shamoley it’s a bobby dazzler shirt. So Annie Dillard tells us to cherish the love of God found in nature every day. Seek God’s love in man, too. And our church will say, look for God’s love in the Bible. It is the greatest love story in the world! And when you immerse yourself in it and read about the missing people found, the slaves are freed, those who are completely broken, those who are refused to be accepted, the fallen are redeemed you can help

hoodie

sweater

  Holy Shamoley it’s a bobby dazzler shirt When I served a church in Woodstock, NY. This Holy Shamoley it's a bobby dazzler shirt…

[ascbh13]

Depression and Dependence on God – 1 Kings 17 - Charlie Boyle-20th January 2019

So as we begin our new mental health and well-being series, I just want to say a few things about mental health issues, today I will focus a bit on depression which is the most common mental health diagnosis but cover the issue generally as an introduction. However I am by no means an expert, and this is not the only sermon in the series that we will cover it. You will see from the poster outside that there are going to be various sermons on depression, suicide, self care, Sabbath rest, dementia, stress, loneliness and well-being. At the end of week that saw the Brexit vote finally happen and Mrs May’s deal face the inevitable defeat in the House of Commons, but this I have to say amused me….

Private eye front page [slide….] “May in Mental Health boost – caption – May “I am the Prime Minister you know” Nurse replies “Yes dear, this way”. In the end her party backed her but I don’t know about you, it got me thinking how does she get to sleep at night?

Did you know that? In the United States, 1 in 10 people will suffer from chronic insomnia (lasting longer than a month) at some point in their lives, that might explain why in 2010, sleeping pills and related medicines accounted for 30 billion dollars in the United States. 

Stress is this country is now such a huge factor in modern living. A recent survey estimates that a 1/3rd of British workers, according to the National Work-stress network in 2012 will suffer from stress. There are great numbers of people on anti-depressants – in 2011 - 2 million prescriptions for anti-depressants, whilst 6.5 million working days a year are lost with employees off work for stress. As Christians we are not immune, we too may be endeavouring  to balance high-pressure working lives with looking after family, elderly relations, as well as earning our way in difficult economic and political times of uncertainty, which all play a factor in stress.

  But issues of mental health are not new, just talking about them in a more open way is. In 2018 I think there has been a step-change in the way we view mental health issues. In particular with Prince Harry talking openly about the loss of his mother, the joy of finding Megan to talk to on his recent trip to Australia and his promotion of the Heads Together campaign. We have talked about these issue before at All Saints but we (Carolyn and I) in planning the next sermon series thought it would be good to address them again in a mental health and well-being series.

However many of the people we read about in Bible stories today might be considered as having mental health issues. For example, take John the Baptist. Might people who were his cousin’s on Jesus’ side of the family, for example, have said “cousin John is a bit odd, bless him!” With his habit of eating locusts and wild honey. It has been long thought that King Saul, in the books of Samuel was displaying mood swings that suggest he had bipolar disorder.

Some may find the very suggestion of what I have said disturbing or offensive even. Perhaps we need to ask why it would be so terrible to think that some of our most inspirational forebears might have experienced mental health illness! Do we mistakenly believe that God cannot or will not work through people with mental health illness?

Remember Stephen Fry the comedian coming out with his mental health issue? Or do we transfer our judgement of the capacities of others onto God. Do we think that mental health illness is a condition makes people less able to do God’s work, or more unlikely to be able to articulate spiritual truth unable to participate meaningfully in worship? What are our prejudices? What do we do when confronted with those before us who seem to be displaying signs of instability, exasperation and frustration and mental health issues? Are we patient? Are we kind? Are we loving?

Or do we just dismiss them as a bit special, they’re just a bit mad…. Statistics show that one in four people suffer from mental health illness during their lives. The true figure is likely to be even higher. That means that we in this congregation have probably at least a fifth of us or a quarter who have experienced mental health issue. So that is a fair amount of us here today will have or know people who have. Mental health illnesses are real conditions that occur in real people, though not a sign of weakness or excuse. They involve real suffering and need understanding and appropriate responses, just like any other condition we might have.

As a psychiatrist friend once said to me we are all on the spectrum. Depending on our circumstances, background, upbringing and what life throws at us either emotionally or physically we move across that spectrum. But one of the key things to stay sane is to keep a sense of humour and perspective, to remember we are blessed. Talking of blessings and humour I thought I would just show you this…. (Insert slideshow about horses)

A punter was at the horse races In Ireland, playing the horses and all but losing his shirt. He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race. Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.

The punter made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse.  Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race.

He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.

He bet big on it, and it won.  As the races continued the Priest kept blessing long shots, and each one ended up winning.

The punter was elated.  He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on....

True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.

This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.  The punter thought he had a winner and bet every Euro he owned on the old nag.

He watched dumbfounded as the old nag came in last.  In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was.

Confronting Him, he demanded, 'Father!  What happened?  All day long you blessed horses and they all won.  Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a mile.  Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings!'

The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.

'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'

But do you know to those who suffer or are suffering they don’t need people saying “pull yourself together” even “I know just how you feel”, is not always helpful. What is needed is understanding and a listening ear - and not being talk to, as though you are not a human being. A problem shared can be a problem halved, if the friend is actually listening, really listening without interrupting. If we are following the teaching of Jesus, who met people where they were in life and reached out to them in love and healing, churches can be places of real welcome, friendship and acceptance. It is our ministry to educate ourselves about mental health and to make sure that our welcome is appropriate and no one who enters our church experiences prejudice or feels stigmatised, regardless of our mental health. Now this morning [11am and 9.30am only] I just want to look at this passage from 1 Kings 17 about Elijah, as there are a few things we can learn about his situation. By way of background and context.

Elijah was a prophet and a miracle worker. He began to start his ministry in 875 B.C. He chose to carry out his ministry for God alone and paid for it with isolation and loneliness. He stopped people from worshipping the fake God Baal by defeating all the 450 prophets on Mount Carmel. In today’s part of the story we see that he prayed and a boy came back to life, through God. But first God supported this exhausted man very practically, he gives him food and allows him to rest. Elijah was brave and trusted God “Leave here, turn eastward and hide in the Kerith Ravine, east of the Jordan. You will drink from the brook, and I have ordered the ravens to feed you there.” He was a man of action as well as faith in God. “He did what the Lord had told him. He went to the Kerith Ravine, east of the Jordan, and stayed there. The ravens brought him bread and meat in the morning and bread and meat in the evening, and he drank from the brook. The ravens of course were unclean birds. Some time later the brook dried up because there had been no rain in the land. So things are getting pretty bad. He is getting pretty depressed no doubt. Did you know that between 4% and 10% of adults will experience depression in their lifetime with some 80,000 children and young people suffering from severe depression. Whilst some will only experience one episode, others will have recurring episodes indefinitely. I don’t know if you have ever experienced depression or been in a desperate situation but things are getting pretty bad for Elijah at this point. Yet he trusts and depends on God.

v.8 “Then the word of the Lord came to him: “Go at once to Zarepath of Sidon and stay there. The widow goes on to feed him …from virtually nothing, things are pretty desperate for her too! She says “I am gathering a few sticks to take home and make a meal for myself and my son, that we may eat it – and die”. She is also at the end of her tether and yet God supplies her needs, in fact it is a miracle.

Repeat reading v.14 -16 This is sometimes the case isn’t it, when we find ourselves in a desperate situation, God gives us perspective, in that others are also in a pretty bad place. We need to remember that whatever our situation in life, there is inevitably someone worse off objectively speaking but so often when we are in a pit of despair we can’t see that can we? Sometime later the son of the woman who owned the house became ill. He grew worse and worse, and finally stopped breathing.  She said to Elijah, “what you have against me, man of God? Did you come to remind me of my sin and kill my son?”

Give me your son, Elijah replied. He took him from her arms carried him to the upper room where he was staying and laid him on his bed. Then he cried out to the Lord, “O Lord my God, have you brought tragedy also upon this widow I am staying with, by causing a son to die?” Then he stretched himself out on the boy three times and cried to the Lord, O Lord my God, let this boy’s life returned to him!”

The Lord heard Elijah’s cry, and the boy’s life returned to him and he lived. Elijah picked up the child and carried him down from the room into the house he gave in to his mother and said look your son is alive!” Then the woman said to Elijah, “now I know that you’re a man of God and that the word of the Lord from your mouth is the truth.”

You see we need to depend on God as each new trial comes upon us! Elijah witnessed, even in a desperate situation, he trusted God. He depended on God in spite of his depression and desperation. In doing so, he could have looked a fool by crying out to him, if God had not healed the boy. Yet instead his healing from that desperate situation leads to the woman having faith in God the word of the Lord the truth.

So when we are next in a desperate situation, when we are truly depressed and at the end of our tether, let us turn to God. He may not always answer our prayer in the way we like but at least it can be a testimony of faith…. As Christians, we are motivated to care not just for those who are currently suffering from mental illness, but to see unity in the body as a whole. Paul reflects this unity in 1 Corinthians 12:26 when he says: ‘If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honoured, all rejoice together.’

So what? What can help if we are depressed? • Keeping active • Self-care • Anti-depressants • Cognitive behaviour therapy How can we help others who might be depressed? • Encourage our friend to seek treatment • Encourage them to talk about how they feel • Spend time with them, the greatest gift you can give • Be patient and show them you care

• Avoid telling them to “buck up” and pull themselves together

• Be a listening ear without judging them • There is so much help out there we just have to be brave and ask for it Finally and most importantly we must remember that we have a God who loves us regardless and carries us through our most terribly times, even if at times it does not feel like it.

Closing prayer O God, whose love restores the broken-hearted of this world: our out your love, we ask you especially upon those who feel abandoned, lonely or unloved. Strengthen their hope to meet the days ahead; give them courage to form life-giving friendships; and bless them with the joy of your eternal peace. Heavenly Father be our pace-maker and help us trust you in all things.

 Amen. The sermon written is never the same as the sermon heard or delivered!

[riszellira]

Reflection: OPENING OUR HEARTS TO GOD

Just as couple of days ago, Jesus told us in the Gospel: “Your Father knows what you need even before you ask Him.” But in today’s Gospel, Jesus tells us that we need to ask, to seek, to knock. Which is which? Is Jesus having fits of dementia, forgetting what He said just a few chapters earlier?

Jesus wants to teach us today the real purpose of prayer. Yes, we need to ask, to seek, to knock so that we can receive, we can find, we can have the door opened for us. These three verbs imply our need to come before God, bringing to Him our concerns. But many of us do it as if God were an ATM (automated teller machine), that when you key in your PIN, you get what you want instantly.

Why do we pray? To get something we want from God? No. When we ask, when we seek, when we knock, we open our hearts to God.

That is what prayer essentially is—opening ourselves to God and to what He wants to give us. When we pray, we do not tell God what we need—although often that is what we do. Rather, when we pray, we acknowledge that it is God, not us, who knows our needs. It is God who knows better than we do. We may ask for many things, but it is the Father who knows what is good for us.

This whole dynamic of prayer can be seen in the example of Queen Esther in our First Reading today. There was something that she wanted: Save us from the hand of our enemies; turn our mourning into gladness, and our sorrows into joy. But when she prayed, she did not simply ask. She also remembered the faithfulness of God. It was not just a prayer of one in need. It was a prayer of one who opens herself to God.

Do you have unanswered prayers? Maybe God is preparing your heart for the good that He wants to give you. Do not grow tired of asking, or seeking,or knocking at the door of God’s heart. We may not get what we want. But in the end, because we have opened our hearts to what God wants, we know we have the best.

~Fr. Victor Angelo Parlan

Do you simply pray for what you want? Or do you pray for what God knows is best for you?

Lord Jesus, open my heart to receive what You deem is best for me. Amen.

Prayer

… for a deep and profound respect for life, especially for the unborn.

… for the strength and healing of the sick.

... for the healing and peace of all families.

Finally, we pray for one another, for those who have asked our prayers and for those who need our prayers the most.

GOD BLESS

[human-antithesis]

Imber Luminis - Nausea (One Song Album)

Lyrics:

Something must have changed, my hands tremble from malady Insipid voices nescient of their own futility My chest heaves from the burden, their lack of reality Do they see beyond their own convenience (that) the world is empty? Some of these days - There are no perfect moments I feel so lonely - Nothing more than a milestone Some of these days - Nothing will happen I feel so lonely - Starting with the end Sojourning onward memories of places I have been My heart never leapt left in a nauseous state I now descend Events transpired experiences happened Did I have no will to conquer those days did I pretend Depressive and alone existing among those distracted One working tirelessly with his hands over his mouth cupped Two talking excitedly, about friends and past hearts engaged Another reading silently, by the window shaking his legs Some of these days Some of these days - There are no perfect moments I feel so lonely - Starting with the end

I can't recall a single blissful moment this life has ever brought me It's nauseating me in every fucking way This stench of existence, any moment of solace, of apathy, or numbness that I find Is immediately raped by storms of abhorrence, by tumultuous disgust Every uttered word, every laugh or sigh, every grieve, every cry Every dream or hope; every sign of life sickens me, fucking sickens me

Enamoured with trascendence of hypocritic oaths or solvence Determined in iniquity or liberty to create or to destroy in splendour Alas with beginnings, a certainty of cesation is needed Abrupt and frivolous of mere contingency, detached of existence In chaotic reversed chaosphere, affliction in benevolence Or pure nihilism or perhaps misanthropy as the obscuring avalanche Of 'mented thoughts, at the gate of the mind, conjured by the mind Seemingless authority or lack of comprehesion in need Or timeless values or pure birth, and death

Monotonen klopfen dringt in den schlaf Der rest leben kehrt zurück Beginnt sick den körper gefügig zu machen. Der blick streift sinnsuchend umher, doch Bett, fenster und wand - Haben keine bedeutung mehr. Beine laufen autark den flur hinunter Raus Gedanken - Diese balken stützend - Ruinös Schwindend im sog... welcher wahrnehmung? Ein baum verspricht der sonne nicht zu zögern Entkleidet - Nackt - Brach Legt nich nieder. Der schwarm vögel seiner krone unter kaltem laub. Ich atme mit den händen - Mein zittern im wind Alle wege kreuzen sich in mir. Wer bin ich? Getragen vom handeln. Der mund spricht wort rückwärts Füllt die lungen mit gegenwehr. Was bin ich? mensch, stern, asche?

We are not free, our ideas make sure of that. Bright lights aid the demise. Heavy and painful like shame. We are not free. Unbearable prisons of our minds. Nauseating. Incapable of self assurance. Weary and sullen the soul rots. We are not free. Like a poisonous apple inside the throat. Destined to destroy that which it should nurture. Monotonous misery and suffering. We are not free. Tricks played on the mind to forget this, only to crush any remaining sanity. Searching for meaning where there is has been long lost. We are not free. Intolerable thoughts in a frozen mind. Cannot escape them. False accounts of existentialism drive darkness forward. We are not free. Self contempt is projected by pitiless judgement. Pale insinuation isn't reasonable. Admitting belief is just a self deception. We are not free. The lamentable eyes are poor mirror to the soul, Gettin caught in is abhorent and odius for the mind.

I stood atop the precipice of sleep with my hands soaked deep In yearning for the restless moon, awaiting the angeless clouds To prune these afflictions Why does it cripple me, this terror? When it is all a part of the ungrand design Like trees we bloom and then we wilt to bloom again in thoughtless rain My primer of sense and of folly deconstructs before my eyes The guise unveiled, it crumbles into a million splinters of charmless absurdity This imperceptible agony Why does it cripple me, this terror? When it is all a part of the ungrand design Like trees we bloom and then we wilt to bloom again in thoughtless rain My primer of sense and of folly Why does it cripple me, this terror? The guise unveiled, it crumbles Into a million splinters of charmless absurdity This imperceptible agony

I run, I hunt through my being, searching (for) my place in this world The stars formed dust into life - Not fate, not fortune, not God, I am, because in the second of my birth, no other called for life So I tear, as long as the nausea spares my existence in the dust of stars I want to dream as long as I can, never want to wake up Finally, with the kiss of reality, I ask for my being again and again And no dream of this world will bear this answer for me So I dream as long as the doubt spares my life And I dance, yes I dance at the catwalk of unimportance, wasting my life Searching for faith and hope - It does not change anything My truth is meaninglessness, the truth of mankind I call nausea - And vice versa But I never try to destroy myself: I am too small for that So reality vomits into my heart every day In every breath moans the question about the meaning And I am looking for you to end this farce forever But you'll never find me, cause I'm too small Und so erbricht sich die wirklichkeit jeden tag in meine brust In jedem atemzug stöhnen fragen nach dem sinn Ich suche dich... um diese farce für alle zeit zu beenden Doch du wirst mich niemals finden, ich bin zu klein Searching for faith and hope It does not change anything

La perte de foi, le manque de moi L'ensemble des pensées ternes Qui s'éternisen et s'embrasent Danse avec le feu le plus scintillant Et ma tète va exploser, le battement de mes tempes m'achève Dans ces méandres trop remplies, je bave, je meurs, je sèche ma sève Avec l'envie de crever, et la haine par-dessus tout Vivre avec son contraire de donner, de me dénuder de tout "J'étais là, immobile et glacé, plongé dans une extase horrible. Mais, au sein mème de cette extase quelque chose de neuf venait d'apparaître; je comprenais la nausée, je la possédais." Et mon corps va imploser, cette nausée omniprésente me rend fou Trop de questions, pas de réponses, juste des sentiments trop flous Et c'ents dans mes dernières phrases, peu importe toutes les fleurs Que je m'en suis rendu compte, et cela m'a crevé le coeur. Et c'est dans mes dernières phrases Peu importe toutes les fleurs Que je m'en suis rendu compte Et cela m'a crevé le coeur

The cold wind blows in this quite slow night I can't remember the hours we spent off the light Our breath drawn a thick smoke, staring in empty eyes I could even hear the sickness you've hidden, all the cries (I heard you) Despite your silence and grief (I heard you) Despite your stupid beliefs (I heard you) Come with me again and let's die tonight (I heard you) There is nothing for us in this light Searching for faith and hope, you know it doesn't change anything. You're crawling in a cave in your mind, digging hard until your fingers are bleeding, and you keep on, and either it's endless, either it stops, but in both ways there is no way back up there, and the light above scares you, you forgot it, it blinds you, hurts you, and you keep digging, no matter the pain, because nothing matters, only this darkness, only this envy to lose control and see how much you can take in, staying miserable, hurt, down to a pathetic shell, but you feel alive. Cause you never felt so good today. (Have you ever felt so alive) No one would hear your pain (Have you ever walked your crossroads) Cause you are dead inside (Have you ever felt so alive) I can't bring you back to life (Have you ever wanted to die) And I know I will carry the blame No one would even hear your voice, no matter how harsh you scream The voices inside my head are withdrawing me, I scream in silence I wanted to take you with me, destroy you and heal you and make you again But I cannot hear the words you speak, I can only see the pain

Nothing matters, we all know it. Whatever crisis of existentialism we have is a fraud. It's all about how and when we would leave this world, and we're stupid enough to believe we'd leave a trace. So nothing really matters, considering suicide is just a step forward to the inevitable end expecting us. And I have nothing left to feel joy for. Everything has just been empty since the beginning.

And whatever happens, we stand proud, for what we are Nevertheless, we fight, for an unfair moment of life I can't stand that my words are empty, whatever I scream I resign, don't wanna be

I have nothing left to feel joy for I resign, don’t wanna be Delete my mind so I can change Remove my thoughts so I can stay Gimme the gun so I could change Gimme the gun so I could stay

I have nothing left to feel joy for I resign, don’t wanna be And there is this constant nausea, all around me And I understand it, I possess it And it destroyed my heart

[firewithoutend]

remembered about the tarot thing again. here’s the Celtic cross reading of how things are generally going atm (so fxcking accurate!): Card 1 is the present situation. It shows the atmosphere around you, and what you are dealing with. Ace of Vesicas The Ace of Vesicas indicates the ability to be fully grounded and earthed in reality. It signifies a state of balance and harmony, and is a reminder that it is spirit that gives shape to all form.This card shows a marked improvement in your financial situation, and it represents wealth on all levels of your life - material, emotional and spiritual. In your current situation, the Ace of Vesicas reveals that there is a solid foundation which can be built upon and expanded on.Question to ponder: What new foundations can be laid, in readiness for you to manifest success? Card 2 is the immediate influences. It shows any obstacles around you. 8 of Staffs - Directness This card indicates that you are now able to accomplish your goals through direct, swift action. Changes are occurring within you and around you, and you need to be focused and clear about what you want. This is a time of forward movement, and indicates that news is on its way that will bring you joy.Clear, direct communication is vital at this time, as you are now ready to forge ahead. With correct use of the will, you can attain your desires. The arrows in this image symbolise your power to focus. They can also be seen as the arrows of love, indicating that someone may be about to enter your life with whom you feel a strong affinity.Question to ponder: Are you now ready to see the attainment of your goals? Card 3 is your goal, what you are aiming for. 5 of Staffs - Empowerment You are now becoming aware of your inner power, and are confident enough to know that you exercise control over important aspects of your life. This card denotes an attitude of fearlessness, and you can even enjoy battling out a situation - partly for the excitement of the adrenaline surge, and partly because you know that, ultimately, you have what it takes to be the victor. To bring about the right changes in your life, and make it what you want it to be, all that you need is confidence.This card is about the willingness to do battle with obstacles, and it enables you to draw on the shamanic aspects of yourself - you have the ability to tap into your own power, and can bring about inner healing through visioning what is necessary. You are now on the brink of transformation in your life. You may have felt that your situation is hopeless, but now it is time to relax and have faith in yourself. Whatever you believe you can accomplish, you will be able to accomplish.Question to ponder: Where do you feel your greatest strengths are? Card 4 is the grounding, and what you are basing your question on. It can also show recent past events. 7 of Swords - Boundaries This card reveals the ability to set boundaries for what you want and do not want in your life, yet still be able to feel close to, and relate to, other people. You are likely to feel stifled if your boundaries are being overstepped. There is a need for you to retain your individuality and claim your own sacred space. There is also an indication of respect for the sacred space of others.Problems in relationships can now be resolved through compassionate, direct communication. You need to remain centred within yourself, and kindly but firmly state your needs and how they could best be met. It is also important that you listen to and respect the views of others who are in dialogue with you.Question to ponder: Where in your relationships is there a need for firmer boundaries at this time? Card 5 is the past influences that have led to your present situation. Temperance - Brigit The Temperance card indicates that there is a need for you to explore dimensions of your inner self, to discover what you feel is important to you. The focus of this card is moderation and balance - the ability to experience and explore the state of equilibrium that results from the knowledge that you are a many-faceted being and can develop any aspects of yourself that you wish to.At this time, extremes should be avoided. It is important that you keep your centre and resist the temptation to rush off at a tangent. Changes are taking place within you, so give them time to make themselves felt.The Temperance card reminds you that an alchemical process is taking place deep within yourself, which will give rise to new realisations and creative energy.Question to ponder: In what area of your life is there a need for balance and moderation at this time? Card 6 is the near future, and the influences that you are drawing towards yourself. 7 of Staffs - Courage The Seven of Staffs is a reminder that a clearing process is necessary at this time. Any attachments to mental, emotional or physical baggage in your life need to be disposed of. To admit to past mistakes or pain can take courage, but it is a necessary part of the growth process, and this will free you up to fully immerse yourself in life.You are now being offered the chance to face up to, and dissolve, issues that have caused you problems in the past. In order to accomplish this, it is important that you allow yourself some time to think about what needs to be resolved. Then you can draw on your inner power, and consciously 'let go'. A fresh way of thinking and being is opening itself to you - allow yourself to move forward in your own time.Question to ponder: What is holding you back from realising your goals? Card 7 is the questioner. It shows your feelings and attitudes towards yourself. King of Chalices The King of Chalices represents the romantic image of the ideal man - someone who is passionate about life, who freely expresses his emotions, and who is able to be touched by them on all levels of his being - physical, emotional, mental and spiritual.For a woman, this card can indicate an ideal love entering her life, or who is already present. For a man, it shows the ability, and the desire, to enter wholeheartedly into a relationship, with a sense of joy and commitment. This card can also mean that an offer is about to be made to you by a man who is in tune with his creativity. It can denote a patron of the arts or a benefactor. You can now trust any guidance or offers made to you, as these are likely to bring you success in your undertakings.Question to ponder: What is your vision of an ideal relationship? Card 8 is the influences around you in the environment. It also reveals how other people see you. Knight of Vesicas The Knight of Vesicas signifies mastery over the material aspects of your life. This card represents the ability to manifest what is needed in your life, through willpower and focus. Thoughtfulness and compassion towards others, and a deep understanding that stems through inner knowledge gained through exploration of all aspects of the self, are prevalent with this card.You are now able to tap into and rely on your own inner strength, because it has been gained through self-understanding and willingness to apply yourself in a dedicated manner.Question to ponder: Are you now ready to believe in your powers of manifestation? Card 9 shows your inner emotions, your hopes and fears regarding your situation. It can also reveal things you may be keeping to yourself. Knight of Swords The Knight of Swords indicates that there is a need to cut away the dead wood in your life. A clearing process is taking place, which entails a time of pruning and of honing issues or accumulated baggage down into essentials.This card advises you to look at what is no longer needed in your life. If something no longer serves a useful purpose, it is time to let go. New growth can take place once previous, unhelpful, issues have been dealt with, resolved, and released.Question to ponder: What entanglements do you feel a need to break free from? Card 10 is the final result, or outcome. It shows what your present course of action is likely to lead into. 8 of Chalices - Renewal The Eight of Chalices indicates that it is now time to say farewell to old, outworn patterns of behaviour that are no longer serving you. There is a need to rediscover a sense of playfulness, and to explore all the possibilities that lie within the different aspects of yourself.This card signifies that you are now becoming aware of the many facets of your being. You can choose which of these you wish to explore and to present to the world, with the knowledge that each aspect of yourself is only a small part of who and what you truly are. At this time you are now free to experiment with and explore your potential. Perhaps it is time to raise any masks that you have been hiding behind, and let the real 'you' shine! Question to ponder: Are you now ready to release past fears?

[dcnativegal]

Grace, and its twin sister, Gratitude

Two days before Thanksgiving, and 2 days after driving home from Saint Helena California, I went to our writers group in Paisley, called Easy Writers. After we shared various bits we’d written, we had our writing prompt. Gratitude. So, I wrote this.

“One cannot go straight to gratitude if there is a deep anger that hasn’t been recognized, bowed to respectfully, and aired. Let the wind fan the flames. Let the anger burn to ashes, quietly, but with all due crackles.

             Brush the ashes away.

Then build a chair out of the gifts that were always there, though hidden. Even if there is only one gift, that you were conceived and born.

             Sit in the chair you have built.

             Forgive that which has burned and is no more.

             Finally, rest in gratitude.

I just returned from a retreat in which I worked on a series of steps – from awareness to anger, then to compassion and forgiveness. If I’m asked to reflect on Gratitude, I think, I am still and always forgiven, and I am so very grateful for that. I am grateful I’ve survived this far. That there were positive legacies from my parents, alongside the deprivation.

That I can let go of anger, as well as patterns that I inherited but don’t have to perpetuate. (Like self-loathing. I really don’t need that pattern.)

And I also know that forgiveness requires actual labor to be born, complete with screams and tears.

             And then the result is a new life called Grace, and her twin sister,

Gratitude.”

+++++++++++++

My spirit guide needs coffee.

I spent 7 days in Napa Valley at a nonprofit retreat space in White Sulphur Springs in Napa County. I’d signed up for The Hoffman Process, paid for by my sister who’d just been through the Process in August. Her husband did it in October. We three have been Hoffmanized.

What does that mean exactly? Well, at one point I was sitting uncomfortably on the floor with a yellow whiffle bat in my hands, beating a large pillow, and chanting to myself “There is enough. Enough God. Enough Love, Enough food, Enough money. I am enough. I will honor You by thriving.” I know that I was chanting this because I stopped and wrote it down while 36 other fellow humans were pounding away all around me. We were SUPPOSED to be beating out negative patterns that we’d either inherited during our childhoods from our parents (and surrogate parents if we had any), or that we’d adopted in strict opposition to parental behavior. In my case, I adopted habits of observing my depressed mother very closely: that power of observation of humans serves me very well as a therapist. But I also adopted her habit of self-loathing. So I ‘bashed’ my self-loathing. And a bunch of other stuff. (We made a list of 25 WORST patterns for each parent!) So, I was seeking something positive. That’s where the There is ENOUGH came in. I guess you could call it an affirmation. And it came spontaneously to me.

It was an emotionally challenging week; at times, exhausting. We were to consult our emotional selves, our Intellect selves, our Spiritual selves, and a Spirit Guide. My Spirit Guide was pretty quiet. He was basically monosyllabic. But they were good syllables: Trust. Hope.  Pretty key for my week.

We did a lot of guided visualizations. I pictured my emotional self as about 8 years old, often with arms crossed and a pouty face. And a potty mouth. “This is bullshit” she’d say. Or, “this won’t work, I’m still unlovable.” Basically an attitude early in the week of “Everybody hates me, nobody likes me, guess I’ll go eat dirt.” In fact, I had to metaphorically unplug my powerful, well-calibrated Bullshit Detector early on, thank it for its faithful service, and put it a suitcase in the car. I figured, I trust my sister and she’s invested 5 grand to send me here. These people seem okay. I need help, so I better dig in and hope for the best. One woman expressed what some of us were thinking: when do we drink the Kool Aid? Nervous laughter. Turned out, we were in Napa County so it was more like a non-alcoholic Zinfindel, a liquid Hope. I think every one of us drank that, and left feeling as though we really could be happier, more heart- and spirit-centered, more service-oriented, less guarded and stuck.  

We were reassured by a sign on the wall that said, You cannot fail the process.

Some of ‘the process’ felt like an emotional archaeological dig, using first jackhammers, and then delicate brushes. We remembered our childhoods, going back to scenes in memories. The purpose was to look for the roots, the taproots, of poisonous weeds and pull them out. And then get rid of them. We actually made posters of images and words that hold us back. Then in a ceremony, we threw them in a fireplace, and declared our new found intentions. Mine was: I am lovable, and I am beautiful. I still feel lovable. The beautiful is only in Valerie’s eyes, and not in my own, but that’s okay.

My feelings of sadness were dispelled pretty quickly at this place, and replaced by anxious hopefulness. As I survived more of the process, with the support of the teachers, my small group members, and some of the friends I was making, the anxiety went down. All of us were learning new tools to apply to the old behaviors. There were boxes of tissues in every space, and they were emptied and replaced. The assembled crew was 9 males, 28 females, ranging from a wide-eyed child of 24 to a grizzled Mr. Crankypants of 73 who’d be awarded a trophy of “most opened” if there were such a thing.

The Hoffman Process has been honed by 50 years of experimentation. There was a great deal of familiar (to me) psychological theory at work during the week. No therapy is 100% effective for everyone.  But when we shared stories of what got us to this 7-day adventure, people mentioned how they had noticed that a “Hoffman Grad” was different when they got home: happier, calmer, nicer. One woman told a story of a store owner who’d served a particularly bitchy customer for years. One day, Miss Bitchy came in and was nice and courteous and patient. Finally, store owner told her she noticed how much happier she seemed. Miss Transformed said, The Hoffman Process.

Apparently Bonnie Raitt did it years ago, and John Denver. Other famous folks, too, including a beautiful actress Thandie Newton, perhaps best known for the movie, Crash.

The Hoffman Process even has a Spotify channel, a soundtrack to the week. The music was played strategically, and was highly effective. At one point it was used for fun. After another long evening of reflection, we were asked to lie on our backs with our heads toward the center of the circle. We lay there with our eyes closed until they said open. The ceiling was full of lights that looked like galaxies moving, and John Lennon’s Imagine played. We all sang along and most of us (except for maybe Mr. Most Opened) knew every word. Magical.

We had name tags with our childhood nicknames on it until a great reveal the evening before the final day. We were encouraged not to tell our professions. And no wifi or cell phone for 6 of the 7 days. Our ceremony of revelation was really something: a slow parade of people who told us what they do for a living, and what their real names are. Toad became Todd. Schmoot became Lauren. Teep became Stephen. I went from Janie to Jane. And I’m an addiction counselor and psychotherapist to a very rural and poor part of an Eastern Oregon county.

++++

On the last night I was in Saint Helena, we who were staying the night after our last workshop had to go forage for food in the town. About 15 of us morphed and reshuffled into groups based on available cars and culinary pickiness. We parked near one place, and I told my driver friend I was off to get cash at an ATM. I did that, and rejoined the biggest clump of people, noticing that my driver friend was not around, but figured maybe she went off with the other participant. Half of us marched in the cold behind someone who’d heard of a fun place. We got there, it was outdoors, although with heat lamps, and again half said we’ll stay, so we remaining 4 ordered elaborate hamburgers (mine was vegetarian). I’m mostly done with my burger and who should show up, but the driver and our friend. They’d been looking for me all this time! Once they located me, they said well okay then, we’re going to find someplace warmer. Off they went, and one of my Hoffie dinner friends says, Don’t feel guilty, Janie. ACK. I did feel guilty.  I ran straight into one of my patterns: that no one notices me because I am not worth noticing.  Finally, they gave up on finding any other place, joined us, and we shared our sweet potato fries. Everyone told me to nip the guilt in the bud. Like Maya Angelou once said, when you know better you do better. Now I know better. I am not invisible. I belong just as well and just as awkwardly as everyone else. The Process came to the fore right then in real time.

I talked to my sister about this, and although she is way more beautiful and smarter than I am, she has this same tendency; to assume that she is not important. She looked at that pattern during her Process, too. She reminded me how much we were on our own in our family, with dad providing for us by working two jobs and mother struggling with her mental health. We were not read to, or asked about our day. Oh poor us, I know: we were fed and sheltered. But we picked up somehow that we were to be dragged along and not make a fuss. I was surprised my sister has this pattern too. We are going to keep bashing it until we allow ourselves to count more, in some humble way, if we have something to contribute. Which I knew we both do.

             For the record, The Hoffman Process is done in Napa Valley, Connecticut, Australia and England. They have scholarships. It makes a whole lot of sense to do the Process if you are feeling stuck in patterns of behavior or thoughts that are keeping you from being fully your best self, ready every day to heal the world. If you sign up, you will be surrounded by accomplished people who are for the most part much wealthier than you are (if you’re like me. Say, a social worker, and bad with money.) But the fact that we hid our professions equalized us, and we became a motley collection of seekers with an unbelievable amount of pain inside each of us.

             I started the week scanning the crowd for who was fat like me, who would judge me for being plain. The richer the folk, the skinner and more conventionally attractive. As the week went on, I was embraced and recognized. For, guess what, yeah you guessed it, my sense of humor and my knitting. There were two queer people there whom I zoomed in on right quick. I had someone to talk to at dinner (when it wasn’t a silent dinner.) By the end of the week, I had gone to the hot tub in all my fleshiness, taught a beautiful young surfer how to knit, and hated myself a little less.

Here’s a poem from our workbook, which was filled with poems and quotations:

You are not broken;

Childhood suffering is not a mortal wound,

And it did not irrevocably shape your destiny.

 You need not remove,

Destroy,

Or tear anything out of yourself in order

to build something new.

 Your challenge is not to keep trying to repair what was damaged;

Your practice instead is to reawaken

what is already wise, strong,

And whole within you,

To cultivate those qualities of heart and spirit

That are available to you in this very moment.

 By Wayne Muller, Legacy of the Heart: The Spiritual Advantages of a Painful Childhood.

 That particular bit of writing goes against the Process philosophy that something unhealthy must indeed be torn ‘out of yourself in order to build something new.’  But it’s all metaphorical anyway.  Here’s another one that I think we can all agree on:

The day the child realizes that all adults are imperfect,

He becomes an adolescent.

The day he forgives them,

He becomes an adult;

The day he forgives himself,

He becomes wise.

             By Alden Nowlan

 I am grateful to be a little wiser. And I will working on forgiving myself, and loving myself as best I can until those are stronger muscles of self care. Then perhaps I can be of more and better service in the world, and feel a deeper joy. Life is short. Feel joy first.

[dearselfthoughts]

23

23 and life is pretty challenging and thrilling at the moment. Birthday is in 2 hours and hence, below are the 23 things I wish I could tell my younger self about:

1. 23 is far by the scariest phase in our life.

2. Always try your best to be close to God. God doesn’t need you. But you need God to feel everything and anything. Me at 23 is still having issues with this but I am still trying my best.

3. Life is better is some snuggly jacket/sweater on lonely days.

4. You are far from having your life all figured out at 23.

5. You will see everyone displaying their happy or perfect life on instagram or facebook but remember that it may be perfect that time, but everyone has their own issues themselves. Don’t be too hard on yourself and stop aiming for perfection in your life.

5. You can never have enough money. Try to own it or it will one day own you.

6. Force yourself to start reading books. When you start you will remember how it makes you feel and you will wonder why it took you so long to get started reading.

7. Less is enough.

8. Do not procrastinate. It will eat you!

9. You will at some days be so confused with your life and the cure for it is only cry, sleep and hot coffee. (in the exact particular order)

10. Doing what you love will make you the most happy and the tiredness will not hurt you.

11. You made it to be a barista for 5 months at Starbucks! You stupidly quit the job to work at the nearby office which you’re having trouble atm..

12. Life is good with mother Nature.

13. Your parents care and love you very much.

14. When the world feels too overwhelmed with you, try to stay focus on your problems and stay in the present.

15. At 23 you will realise that money is not everything.

16. Law of attraction is true and you have to have faith in it in order to work.

17. Being vegan makes you feel so good.

18. Sleeping heals you.

19. Coffee heals you too

20. Always help to clean around home. Not only it will help others, it will help you too.

21. Keep your space a clean one.

22. Do not let anyone say no to you

23.Wear what you feel comfortable. Minimalism is life!