#rewatched last night in an effort to cheer myself up

[magnificentmoose]

sometimes a nature documentary episode can be so personal

[writing-in-april]

Cinematic Coincidences

Spencer Reid x Gender Neutral Reader

(Spencer’s POV)- listen I just love his POV lol

Summary: Spencer can’t bring himself to go on another date that’s been set up for him- so he stands his date up. Spence seemingly can’t catch a break and runs into the date he stood up.

A/N: Hey heyyy- here’s my seventh fic for my 30 fics in 30 days for April!! This one was requested by @andiebeaword (I added a reference for your love of hallmark movies in this hehe)- this is the original request- I tweaked the characters involved just a small bit lol I accidentally end up defaulting to using the people on the dream team lol- im going to start working in later characters in the show into some stuff in upcoming works (I’m also rewatching the later seasons so that’ll help get me inspired) Im always looking for feedback on my fics or really to talk about anything with my followers so feel free to drop into my inbox- here!! Thanks for reading- y’all have been so sweet 🥰 and hope y’all enjoy!!

Warnings: Insecure Spencer, Getting stood up for on a date, Morgan and Garcia (just the team in general) not really understanding Spencer fully, one tiny sexual innuendo- I think that’s it nothing too bad this time around

Main Masterlist Word Count: 2.4K

This was not what I wanted to be doing today. Garcia had once again inquired about my love life- along with Morgan of course, wanting to find out about all the juicy details. I didn’t know why they continued to ask when it was obvious that my love life was about as exciting as watching paint dry.

I gave my normal response to these types of inquiries, brushing them off without sounding too hurtful. Unfortunately Garcia would not be satiated by my response, apparently she was now fed up with my dull love life and felt like she needed to be personally involved. Garcia was very near and dear to me, just like Morgan, but I couldn’t deny that this grated my nerves.

“We’ll make you a dating profile too! Maybe you’ll find someone cute to date- or maybe get some?!” Garcia was chipper as usual, with her eyebrows wiggling at her suggestion that I should have a one night stand. All that I felt from her words was dread.

The dangers of online dating swirled in my mind and I tried to protest, it came out more like a stammer though. Morgan then patted me on the back and piped up, giving his own opinion, “Yeah- I think it’ll be good for you, pretty boy.”

Again I wanted to protest, beginning to stammer out another reason why I didn’t think it was a good idea. I sighed heavily when I was cut off again, by Morgan and Garcia already planning on what pictures they were going to upload of me. At least I knew that they had my best interests at heart, they wanted me to be happy with someone- or get some like Garcia had mentioned earlier. Still, it didn’t change the fact that there was no way I’d ever want to go willingly on a date with someone I had met on the internet.

—-

My thoughts had not changed since Morgan and Garcia had set up the dating profile for me. There hadn’t been any person I had been on a date with that had successfully been able to keep me interested beyond a few conversations.

“No luck with the online dating?” Morgan had teased when I had walked in with my head held low. This endeavor was just making me realize how picky and undesirable I was. Why couldn’t I just find someone pretty and be happy with it?

Morgan’s face twisted from a smile into a frown when I didn’t answer him, making my way silently to my desk.

For the rest of the day the team tiptoed around me, sensing my sadness. There was part of me that was angry at them for thinking that I couldn’t handle a few bad dates. But, they were right. I couldn’t handle the sting of rejection or the disappointment of a date that didn’t live up to my expectations.

Emily always seemed to know how to cheer me up, so I did attempt some small conversation in the break room while we were both getting our coffee. She never gave me any pity like the others who just flashed me sad looks, unwilling to make any effort to help- or like Garcia and Morgan, they helped in the wrong way even if their intentions were pure.

Her solution to my problem did make my ears perk up a bit, “Hey- I saw that you’ve been down and that it’s been about the online dating Morgan and Garcia made you get into.” I nodded my head in confirmation then gesturing for her to continue while I poured copious amounts of sugar into my drink. Emily opted for mostly cream instead of sugar, stirring her coffee a little, then continuing her thought,”I wondered how you would feel about being set up on a blind date. It’s someone I know so maybe that would make you feel better about going on it? Instead of having to deal with technology that I know you despise.”

Emily had a way of seeing exactly how I was feeling and not just spitting out facts without solutions like the others. Her solution made me nervous of course, there would probably never be a date that I wouldn’t be nervous for. However, this option made me feel a little bit more hopeful about my prospects in the dating pool. It was someone that she knew and trusted enough to suggest them as a potential match for a coworker. Emily didn’t trust easy, I could trust her judgment on this despite my nerves.

I gulped down a large sip of my overly sweetened coffee, collecting my thoughts before then answering, “Alright- I’ll go.”

—

The date that I was supposed to go on was at a quaint cafe near work. Emily had even made the effort to make sure that I had been there before so I might be more comfortable.

At first I had been extremely excited for the date, even going so far as to pick out my outfit. I would have worn my purple button up, that was the one I got the most compliments in. Emily had told me some stuff that my date was interested in so I made sure to brush up on my knowledge by reading about the topics. I had even called back to the restaurant menu in my mind, preparing myself by picking out what I wanted beforehand. On one of my dates set up through the dating app I had stumbled on my choice for food, making the person unnecessarily snappy. I had to cover all my bases to minimize potential awkwardness on my part.

Self doubt began to creep in after I had gotten fully dressed. I had gotten ready way too early in anticipation for the date, now sitting on my couch tapping my foot impatiently. I looked at my watch that sat over my long sleeves watching the clock tick closer and closed to when I was supposed to leave.

Biting my lip in worry, my mind couldn’t help but wander over into my self doubts. I couldn’t help but ask myself why anyone would want to date someone as tall and lanky as me- or why would someone want to go on a date with someone that couldn’t keep their mouth shut about random topics that no one cared about.

My self doubt swallowed any confidence that I had begun to build up in preparation for the date. I knew Emily would be furious with me tomorrow when I went into work, I didn’t want her to find out through her friend though. Deciding to get it over with I pulled out the phone I never used and texted her, telling her that I wasn’t coming. I told her to give my regrets to my date, who at this point was probably waiting patiently for me at the cafe. Sighing in defeat I then retreated into my bedroom again, crawling under my covers.

——

Emily hadn’t been furious with me- well that was a lie, at first she had stomped up to me the next morning to chew me out. She became more disappointed than anything when she found out my reasonings. She hadn’t mentioned anything about how the person I was supposed to be going on the blind date with felt. Not that I really wanted to hear about it, it would only make me feel worse. All I got from her was a small remark mumbled under her breath, “Idiots- the both of you…”

For the next few weeks I tried in vain to push thoughts of my failed blind date out of my head. I had avoided going in the general direction of the cafe. Luckily I took the metro everyday to work otherwise I’d have to drive by it every day, and I already hated driving.

I was at the bookstore for used booksjust around the corner from the cafe that was supposed to hold my date a few weeks ago. This was the closest I dared to go near it in a while. Since then I hadn’t been able to go there anymore, even though I loved the coffee there. Immense guilt had wormed its way into my brain when I had tried to order something there a week ago. All I had done was stammer at the cashier before bolting out of there, just another addition on the list of embarrassing things that I’ve done in my life.

I was flipping through an old edition of pride and prejudice out of boredom, there hadn’t been anything interesting stocked on the shelves since I had last been here. Then a voice piped up through the air that had a bit of dust flying through it,

“Excuse me, sir- if you’re still looking at that book would you mind if I looked at the ones on the shelf behind you?”

It took me a second before I realized the person was talking to me. I then removed my eyes from the book to blink up at them a few times, then registering what they had said to me and moved out of the way.

Their eyes were still glued to mine, the bookshelf behind me that they had wanted to look at forgotten. An awkward chuckle was all we both could seem to manage as we looked each other up and down. Emily had shown me a picture on her phone of my date so I would have been able to spot them at the restaurant. My cheeks flushed hard once I realized who was standing before me. There was no doubt who this was, the date I had stood up the night before.

Silence then fell between us and not the pleasant kind, it was most definitely awkward. I couldn’t imagine how they must have been feeling after I hadn’t shown up last night. They probably had sat

“Um- hi…” They spoke hesitantly, wringing their fingers in trepidation. My jaw opened and closed a few times, trying to come up with anything to say.

“Hi!” Was all I could manage to squeak out, plus a small wave in their direction.

They wrung their fingers a few more times, seemingly trying to come up with a response. I was surprised they hadn’t hit me with one of the books near them out of anger. It would be a normal response to being stood up for a date, the trepidation and silence just served to unnerve me further. Eventually they spoke again, saving me from anymore awkward silence which in my opinion was worse than awkward conversation, “Um- sorry for um, standing you up uh- a few weeks ago.”

That made my eyes bug out of my head- they had done the exact same thing as I had? Insecurity soon swept in, trying to tell me exactly why they had not shown up without hearing their side of the story. I looked down at the book I was holding, reading a few words for a moment of reprieve. Taking a deep breath I asked quietly, not admitting to my own faults yet, “W-why did you um- not go? If you don’t mind me asking…”

A deep sigh was what I got at first, one that obviously had a lot of stress in it. They then did provide me with an explanation, despite their obvious embarrassment, Well- It had nothing to do with you- a simple explanation would be saying it was my insecurity’s fault.”

Not that I would ever want anyone to feel insecure, but I would admit that them saying that did make my own stress melt away. They had not gone for almost the exact same reasons that me. I decided to be upfront, giving them my own reasoning- though I wasn’t even sure they realized that I hadn’t gone as well. “I don’t know if Emily told you, but I um- stood you up as well. It wasn’t because of anything bad! It was really for the same reason as you.”

They then broke out into giggles after they had processed my words for a second, which were much more relaxed than the awkward ones from before. I didn’t blame them, it was a pretty funny coincidence that we’d both stand each other up only to run into each other not knowing what we had done.

“I feel like we’re in one of those cheesy Hallmark movies right now…” Their comparison only confused me, I had no clue what they were talking about.

“What’s a Hallmark movie?” More giggles came from them at my questioning, though for once I didn’t feel like I was being laughed at. I felt like they were laughing at the whole situation, not at me specifically like so many people had often done. Also, I couldn’t help but admit to myself that their giggle was very cute.

Once their giggles had subsided a little they asked me something that almost no one would ask the person that had stood them up, “Maybe I could tell you over a coffee? If you want to of course- Emily told me about how much sugar you like in it.”

My interest was peaked, making me further regret having stood them up in the first place. Though I tried to push that thought out of the way considering we had both done the same thing. It was time to let that go so I could go on a date with them finally. Seeing them in person and being able to glimpse part of their personality made me want to know more.

“Alright- sure.” I set down the book I had been passively reading, now completely disinterested in it. There was something far more interesting in front of me now compared to a classic book I had read over ten times.

We both walked around the corner, to the cafe that we had originally had our date scheduled at. Conversation flowed easily between us, showing me that Emily had been totally right to set us up initially. Her words now made sense to me, we were both a couple of idiots.

We then got our coffee, which had been much smoother of a transaction compared to the last time I had been here. I took note of how much sugar and cream they liked, just in case we were going to do this again. Sitting down at the closest booth I then asked, “So tell me about Hallmark movies?”

Ask Me Anything

—-

Tag lists (Message me if you want to be added):

All works: @shotarosleftpinky @oreogutz @90spumkin @kyra-morningstar @s1utformgg @takeyourleap-of-faith 😡😡😡

All MGG characters: @muffin-cup @willowrose99

Spencer Reid/CM: @calm-and-doctor @destiny-tsukino @safertokiss @slutforthegubes @onlyhereforthefanfics @jareauswifey

[neverheardnothing]

rewatching joe iconis and family lincoln center performance at 4 am instead of packing or sleeping just to feel something and i have so FEW and so MANY thoughts and yall are gonna hear em all. no i will not put this under a cut. im going to be an absolute bastard about this.

i love the story joe tells about why he's singing mitb as the first song so much. like. the spite of it all. the defiance of it all. the pride of it all. the dig it or fuck off and disappear of it all. the joe iconis of it all. 

“i know exactly the song im going to sing as my first song at the american songbook series.” i love that he highlights the fact that this is the american songbook series.

then immediately jumping right into broadway here i come with molly hager, the other song he is most known for!!!

every time i think about this performance i think about how this was the first (?) time this song was performed by them since the closing of bmc.

and then lance rubin comes up to sing try again. which is the only time that i know of that anyone but joe has sung this song.

i remember a remark made during watching it live that having someone else sing the song made it seem so clearly more about joe and his career. but also having lance sing it immediately makes me think of bbh closing early which yeah is part of joe’s career but also lance’s.

and also the line “if you’re an actor and another actor gets the part you auditioned for” reminds me of how lance found the auditioning process of acting and the whole [not acting part] of an acting career to be terrible which is why he quit to then become an author and the juxtaposition of him singing try again is Something. but also he DID try again he is just applying his efforts to a different creative field and it’s working out great for him. good for lance rubin.

lol i haven’t even talked about the actual performance aspect of this song anyways it’s very different from the two versions ive seen of joe doing it. he plays it a lot more comical. i love it.

sidenote not specific about this performance, but i love love LOVE the line and the music at “use the stairs, walk to the street. see the people, feel the heat, and apply yourself again.”

and also the line “when they cast you out to sea, there’s a lifeboat manned by me called try and try again” will never not make me think of bsol/last on land and bonus lance was also in that show! it just keeps circling around.

everything about these past 3 songs performed at this venue in this set list order in this moment at joe’s career is honestly so wonderful. like you had a songs about an anxiety attack, a suicide/loss of self in success, and repeated failures before this song all sung by individuals. two of these songs were written at points where joe felt frustrated/sad with his career. one written in the aftermath of specific frustration about the first closing of be more chill. one an actual song from bmc. like what a SETLIST for your first three songs! fucking michael in the bathroom, broadway here i come, and try again. truly something.

THE WHISKEY SONG!! i love hearing joe sing so much. while i think we can all agree he’s not the most skilled singer there’s something special about hearing a composer perform their own work. he adds like 3 levels of charm to make up for lack of singing skills lol. just a very charismatic guy.

lance rubin back on tamborine for the next bit of the song and he’s like laughing through it. not completely sure what he’s laughing about honestly but this Is a comedic song (after 3 real downers of songs) and also joe was playing it up.

jared weiss down on the floor with his guitar playing along. that’s its own bullet point.

audience cheering as more family members start coming on stage! i love that the band is getting cheers. love that!!!

the camera isn’t on him but from the audio, nick blaemire is presumably running around giving high fives to people in the audience.

i can’t exactly tell with the camera angle and the lighting but i think that more family members get up from different seats in the audience or at least enter in the back and walk through the audience to get to the stage during this instrumental break. reminds me of how joe loves theater that physically touches you. giving you high fives in this case.

love liz lark brown. she plays it pretty like. frenetic and frazzled. love it.

amara, badia, danielle, will, and nick are just chillin sitting on the steps of the stage. 100% contributes to the vibe of this song. top fuckin notch.

SOMEONE screams AH during the drunk part of the song and i cannot figure out who but it gives me so much life.

jared pulling lance down to the floor with him.

jason going “man.... this place is a dump” like i LOVE the irreverence.

everyone actually getting back up and also converging On the stage during the (kind of) acapella break.

and now your whole gang is up on the stage at the fancy ass appel room singing your what sounds like a mostly upbeat fun song but is actually about self medication with alcohol and it’s a fucking jam. i love the 3 solo songs and then bringing in everyone for a big group number.

sidenote not about this specific performance: the lyrics “i’ll pour some more and then—AND THEN?—i’ll pass out and then—AND THEN!” the and thens were not on the things to ruin album and i wonder why not ALL the time. was it just deemed extraneous? or was this an innovation after the album was recorded?

i love that you can see the band singing along.

yesterdays / i can’t relate. i love this song i fucking love it. i love the synthy keyboard that was an active choice made. which means that joe is not the one accompanying jared in this song.

jared: i hate today. joe: *snorts in the background*

“i like music you can hold” -> old records black suits, susannah’s obsession with music which was of course in vinyl format back then

will once said hearing lgw was very exciting because he’s first and foremost a fan of joe’s so he was hearing a new joe song for the first time and the world got just a bit larger and i think about that quote a lot in relation to this song because i was like Oh i Get What He Means now because this is the first new joe song i heard since like getting into his work and i felt that world getting a bit bigger.

jared’s monotone chorus on top of the girls underneath is so good. it’s so fucking good i cannot.

liz lark brown velociraptor fuckin classic. specifically in this performance the weird ass electric guitar noise at “there’s a dinosaur” is SO good. i love it.

i know people say Trans Vibes from next song (jeff) but this song also gives me trans vibes. i think joe inadvertently writes stuff trans people relate to because of his propensity to write for People Who Are Different.

people cheering as will takes off his jacket hell yeah.

i am way more used to the jeremy morse version of this song and really consider it more his so it’s so fun to hear will sing it.

i love the canon of the “oh”s so much.

after will sings “i go to the window looking out and what do i see? myself just staring back at me.” and someone in the audience AUDIBLY goes “oh.” like what a MOMENT. way more subtle than when someone screamed “WHAT” at the “naked korean girl” reveal during the pipe night performance but on the same tier of Great Audience Reactions.

smooth fuckin gliss bro i love it. arms out by side. i love it.

Classic Jason Sweettooth Williams Singing Helen. but this time they added like some REAL like. oh god i have no idea how to describe it. electric crunchy electric guitar noises. and it’s so good.

i havent mentioned this yet but in the background of every song people who are not in it or are backup vocals are just sitting and jamming along and it’s so nice because me fuckin too.

honest to god just have to give a timestamp for this but bullet point for whatever the fuck eric is doing in the background here.

will and katrina circling each other singing directly into each other’s faces. so good.

the Unexpected dynamic change and following crescendo i am Living.

katrina rose dideriksen riffing up top. yes. YES.

joe starting to play helen sharp and then forgetting part of his introduction to the song is so good.

the inevitable laughter at any performance of this song at “it is not lost on me you’re all here at my show”

i know nothing about the movie death becomes her so i honestly always just think about joe when this song gets performed. also thinking about how in the youtube premiere of this song, joe was talking about how lauren was shouting out the names of all the musical theater composers joe is jealous of.

right place/wrong time. i read a bsol review a while ago about how katrina rose dideriksen was underutilized and gotta say i Agree holy Shit let her sing More.

i also remember how joe once said this song felt the most personal to him and that he cried when writing it

police siren piano.

the first time in this entire song they sing in sync is at the line “i wonder if his/her life is just like mine” and i just start screaming.

when eric and katrina turn to each other for the first time and start singing At each other!!!!!!!!!!!

honey! thinking about jen ash tep talking about how Each performance of this song gets Wilder and Wilder.

love it when nick just gets off the stage and starts singing to people in the audience. apparently one of the people was will’s mom lol.

ACAPELLA BREAK!!!!!! joe just fully gets up from piano and starts WILDLY clapping along!!!!

woman of a certain age! i remember when the live show happened the album had not come out yet and then when the yt premiere of it happened it Had been out for a week or so.

piano note elevator bell

the electric guitar is doing some fucking weird ass things in this song and i am living so fucking much for it.

the riffs badia does are so fucking incredible i immediately paused this video to go and watch her sing big fat ruby again just because i wanted more badia content.

the story behind old flame is so good and joe waiting until the last fuckin moment to give her the song is so fuckin funny.

i love love love these types of joe songs that are like 7 minute long story epics like right place/wrong time and the actress and ammonia and old flame.

“the best way to get past the past is to shoot it in the head” and then the audience cheers and i fucking love it. my commentary is getting shorter. it’s 6 am and i’m tired can you tell. i also just had a lot of thoughts about this early on and less thoughts about later on.

revolution song. the deep ass fucking electric bass is So good i Will go apeshit. like honestly that might be my favorite smaller detail of this song. like i imagine if i were in the room it might be loud and deep enough that i could feel it In my chest. like you can Feel the revolution coming.

i love the faster tempo revolution song has in the cabaret version.

i also love the cabaret specific lines of “evolution in the institution”

joey is a punk rocker was honestly not ever on the list of songs i thought would get performed here but im so glad that they did. like the obvious choice would have been veins for annie golden but they went this route. obsessed with this choice. obsessed with the fact that amphibian replaced this song as the act 2 opener. obsessed that annie is the one singing this.

i am never not screaming about wave and yall know this. just throwback to me losing it in the tags in a reblog of picture of the wave passage going on about how it really does mirror joe’s career and bmc specifically. and again this song being performed for the first (?) time since bmc closed makes the “so today on a hill in las vegas” and onward part SO fucking sad i literally just started crying. the entire song being in past tense up until that part. i will just go die now.

will in the yt premiere talking about texting the line “our energy would simply prevail” in the leadup to bmc coming back.

find the bastard. for some reason when this happened live i thought it was gonna be outlaw that was performed. 

i swear to god it is literally physically impossible for me not to AT LEAST mouth along to “what’s your name, what’s your name” during this song

NAMES ARE FOR ACCOUNTANTS.

MY NAME IS AWFUL LONG AS IT’S THE LYRICS OF THIS SONG.

the goodbye song. it’s never not sad. i love love love that this song is the final song every concert. i also love the recent lore of finding out that penny dreadfuls was the encore song at concerts before they became too long and it had to get cut.

finally gonna mention the background car lights. what a beautiful backdrop.

also since im always on my wrol bullshit i love how fucking clearly you can hear him at the end

accelerando accelerando accelerando. insert [joe iconis peaked when he wrote the accelerando in the goodbye song post of mine].

katrina singing an octave up is always SO fucking impressive i am so impressed by her voice she is so fucking good i love her so much

the bows are so fucking sweet i love them.

goodnight it’s 7 am.

[forehead-enthusiast]

A Buncha Tag Games (and yet not all of them)

tagged by: @eggyukhei mwah

tagging: this is a LOT of games so i’ll only tag @atinyphobe @nsheetee and @veonjun for the SECOND (2nd) game. if they or anybody wants to do any of the other games, absolutely go for it and say i tagged you <3 i’d love to see what you guys say!! (also, tk if you felt like you wanted to answer my questions from the second game i’d be interested to see!)

One:

tell me the first song that made you stan your current fave group and why did your faves attract you so much?

ok SO the song that probably got me into rv 100% (also yes ik this blog is 99% nct but rv is my forever fave no question) was probably ice cream cake!! i had been a casual listener of many groups up until that point and had never really stanned anyone, but icc was so infectious i found myself watching it over and over. i had heard happiness and be natural before but hadn’t really listened too closely, so icc was the song that captured me. after that, dumb dumb only cemented my love for them more, and the red is still one of my favorite kpop albums to date. rv attracted me primarily because of their incredible vocals and their versatility in genres and concepts. i still get so excited wondering what they’ll tackle next!! they’re just soooo unique and have one of, if not the best discographies of any group. i cannot stress enough, I. Love. RV!! also they’re funny and gay so. anyway stream monster once it drops uwu

Two:

rule: answer the ten questions and write your own!

1. what is your favorite song that’s been released during quarantine? ooooo honestly??? probably something off of Sawayama. literally every song bangs so hard i highly recommend that album to anyone!! i can’t pick a favorite off it but who’s gonna save you now is awesome and xs is just,,, chef’s kiss

2. what is your greatest mishap when you tried cooking? (or something you’ve witnessed) one time, while making soup at my late grandmother’s house on her like gas stove, i put a lid on a pot and somehow that led the pot to be engulfed in flames. IN MY DEFENSE i was like 7, and i’m great at cooking/baking now

3. what’s your go-to outfit or article of clothing? oh i love a nice dress. they can be casual or formal, and you look like you put effort into your outfit except i didn’t because i didn’t have to match anything yo!!!! also shorts have trouble fitting me cause i’m a weird body type so dresses tend to be very comfy for me

4. what is your comfort food? am i allowed to say like all food??? eating in itself is comforting,,, that sounds depressing but also i just like eating yummy food. i guess i’d say like my dad’s fried rice?? its my fave and no one makes it like him soooo

5. what singular moment in your life would you like to relive? i couldn’t tell if this meant like, a good moment you want to re-experience or go back in time and redo a moment and fix it. it’s kind of a hard question so i might cop out and go with a bit of a silly answer: i want to relive the hi touch with astro...... i wanna look at rocky’s beautiful eyes and touch moonbin’s hand ok,,,,

6. what is your favorite line and/or character from a movie, show, or book? i got a bunch but a few off the top of my head are genie lo (the epic crush of genie lo), ty lee, suki (atla), klaus, and ben (umbrella academy) 

7. if you could only choose one ice cream flavor and pizza topping/style for the rest of your life, what would it be? ice cream flavor: this very specific one from a local store that is banana ice cream with strawberries and oreo mixed in. it is heaaaavenly. as for pizza topping, i love a breakfast type pizza with an egg on top and like sausage and stuff!!!

8. what is the worst injury you’ve ever had or witnessed? funny enough, i’ve actually gotten badly injured quite a few times, and always on the face!! god hates me. the worst was probably when i hit a metal bench with my face and it took a chunk out of my cheek. i still have the scar! as for “witnessed” i accidentally broke a grown man’s rib once as a child, so i guess that would count.

9. would you rather explore the unknown of space or the bottom of the ocean? oceaaaan!! i answered this in some other game, but i like how mysterious and yet close the ocean is. like proximity wise it’s so near, yet there’s an insane amount we know nothing about. that’s so frightening but so intriguing

10. if you could be any cartoon character, who would you be? my first thought was literally “kirby. eat fast” GOD my followers are gonna think i’m just a glutton and they’re not even gonna be wrong im dying. but uhh idk mulan or smth?

my questions:

what is your go-to feel good movie?

are you the type of person who’s indecisive about buying, or the type to impulse buy once you see something you like?

do you prefer chocolate-y or fruity candy?

what idol do you think is most similar to you? (not your bias necessarily)

do you have any silly dealbreakers? if so, what are they?

what do you do to unwind?

what is a small thing you like to do for people you love? (be it sending memes, remembering their favorite shows, etc)

what’s/who’s your favorite myth/mythological being?

what is a non-typical pet you would want to have?

do you say pronounce data as day-ta or dah-ta?

THREE

rule: bold the statements that apply to you, italicize your aspirations, then tag nine people. 

AIR ༉⋆͙̈

i have small hands / i love the night sky / i watch animals and birds when i pass them by / i drink herbal tea / i wake to see the dawn / the smell of dust is comforting / i’m valued for being wise / i prefer books to music / i meditate / i find joy in learning new truths from the world around me

FIRE ༉⋆͙̈

i don’t have straight hair / i like to wear ripped jeans and overalls / i play an organized sport / i love dogs / i am not afraid of adventure / i love to talk to strangers / i always try new foods / i enjoy road trips / summer is my favorite season / my radio is always playing

WATER ༉⋆͙̈

i wear bracelets on my wrists / i love the bustle of the city / i have more than one set of piercings / i read poetry / i love the sound of a thunderstorm / i want to travel the world / i sleep past midday most days / i love simply lit dinners and fluorescent signs / i rewatch kids shows out of nostalgia / i see emotions in colors not words

EARTH ༉⋆͙̈

i wear glasses or contacts / i enjoy doing the laundry / i am a vegetarian or vegan / i have an excellent sense of time / my humor is very cheerful / i am a valued advisor to my friends / i believe in true love / i love this chill of mountain air / i’m always listening to music / i am highly trusted by the people in my life

AETHER ༉⋆͙̈

i go without makeup in my daily life / i make my own artwork / i keep on track of my tasks and time / i always know true north / i see beauty in everything / i can always smell flowers / i smile at everyone i pass by / i always fear history repeating itself / i have recovered from a mental disorder / i can love unconditionally

FOUR

the ultimate tag: answer whichever ones you want to because there are a lot and then tag a few blogs you’d like to get to know better! 

PERSONAL

name: sarah

nickname: bells

birthday: april 17th

zodiac: aries

nationality: chinese american

languages: english, some spanish, some korean

gender: female

sexuality: baby bi bi bi~

height: 5′10

BLOG STUFF

inspiration for muse: i suppose nct since i write for them the most?? but i feel like sometimes i come up with the idea before i think of a member so sometimes the muse is just my own fantasies oops

meaning behind my url: i made it at a time where loads of idols were getting bangs and honestly i believe most of them look infinitely better without them, thus i was and still am enthusiastic about foreheads.

blog established: like winter of 2018...?? i think

followers: over 2.5k but most deactivated/left during my hiatus lol

FAVORITES

favourite animals: sharks, chickens, snakes, cats, penguins

favourite books: the epic crush of genie lo and then iron will of genie lo, PERIOD

favourite colour: pink and purple!!

favourite fictional characters: lol, again, genie lo, ty lee, suki, klaus, ben, and just a few more: richard and evelyn o’connell (the mummy), dave (dave), michael (the good place)

favourite flower: sunflower

favourite scent: baking chocolate, heating butter, blackberry, wisteria

favourite season: probably spring! i like warmth but not HEAT

RANDOM

average hours of sleep: ugh idek i sleep horribly

cats or dogs: both, but unfortunately i’ve never had either

coffee, tea or hot chocolate: tea but then hot chocolate

current time: 5:29pm

dream trip: go to paris and eat loads of pastries and enjoy the fashions and beauty of the city, and also learn to bake better maybe?

dream job: actress

hobbies: making jewelry, drawing, singing, reading comics

hogwarts house: according to the quizzes, all of them. people who have just met me think slytherin or gryffindor, people who i’m friends with think ravenclaw or hufflepuff, people who know me really well know you can’t box a person into oversimplified archetypes :’) in my assessment of myself, it varies by the day, but i think perhaps gryffindor today?

last movie watched: hot fuzz (a classic)

last song listened to: summer breeze by sf9

no. of blankets you sleep with: like 2

random fact(s): i won lego building competitions as a child, one of my dream roles is anastasia from the musical named after her, i played violin for a very short time, i bake the cakes for all my family and friends’ birthdays, i have strangely strong grip strength

SIX

10 songs i can’t stop listening to:

love me 4 me- rina sawayama

cherry- rina sawayama

in & out- red velvet

crush culture- conan gray

manic- conan gray

the king- conan gray

summer- pentagon

told you now- jeremy jordan (originally sung by sam smith)

fuck this world (interlude)- rina sawayama

someone who loves me- sara bareilles

[modern-oedipus]

Check-List for the Goals I settled for 2019

The funny mistake I’ve made earlier lead me think about what I’ve expected from 2019 when we started it. I found a list of the goals I made while we were entering the new year’s and here is a realistic evaluation of how it went.

• First of all, I wanted to manage my depressive episodes better. I wanted to have them less frequently. I wanted not to be absolutely crashed if a trigger hit me. Here’s how it went with a rough statistics (yes, because I’m a soon-to-be scientist, I actually made a graph of my own mood swings as if I am a test subject).

✔️ January was absolutely terrible for me. I had so much anxiety because of a toxic relationship and I wasn’t sure if I could ever live without that person. I failed two classes and withdraw a third one. I was super anxious about my internships. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be on the path I was and I was also having financial troubles. Also, one of my pet birds had passed away.

✔️ February was the month I truly felt like something in me was changing for the better. I felt like something clicked after the winter break— when I was, in a funny way, forbidden from consuming sugar for three days. I used to eat a lot of sugar/sweets to cope with my stress back then, to the point I still amaze at myself for not being overweight, plus size, or developing diabetes; because I really was eating too much sweets. But then I had a conversation with my father that feels unworldy, and combinated with the tree days no sugar diet and beginning of the new semester I suddenly felt like, even if I couldn’t fix everything, I could fix something. I had to start, regardless of how little. So I started by eating carefully— so significiantly less sugar consumed than I used to be, but I didn’t force it all at once. So if I were eating 3 brownies a day I decreased it step by step to 2 brownies a day, one brownie a day, and... At November 2019, it is probably a brownie once in 15 days. With even more pleasure than eating 3 brownies at once. (Don’t worry, I still let myself be free of eating whatever I want occassionally. I’m taking care of my health). Anyway. I started to hit up gym in my college for first time ever. I was so painfully inconsistent, but I knew that much was to be expected, so instead of getting angry at myself for not being a regular I just appreciated myself for going despite not being a regular.

✔️ March was a turnpoint. I decided to be bold enough to pursue my ex hobbies that I lost because of depression, one of them being writing. I’ve had a strong muse for Norman back then. I made a new account on Facebook. I knew no one, but to my luck I made so many friends. I drowned in NorRay ship with a very nice roleplay partner. I built new friendships away from the toxic partner of mine who was seriously causing a lot of damage on me. By the end of March we broke up and— surprise, my world didn’t end. I felt so refreshed, so alive, as if I was freed of my chains, and up until this day this feeling stands. I was more eager to pursue new hobbies, talk about my interests and do crazy shit instead of worrying my ex would think. I was happier. Much happier. This too, is still valid.

✔️ April was... unworldly. Because something that relates to my society happened as a big improvement and I was extremely positively surprised. This feeling is valid up to this day as well.

✔️ May... May was wild. I got kissed by a random stranger at the spring fest party. This fucking event lead me to write Conflict. Seriously. I built stronger friendships, online and offline, during this month. I felt truly connected.

✔️ June!!! June was so weird! It was my first break after one or maybe two years of depression. It was my first free holiday in which I didn’t reall feel like I was a waste of time, space, effort, money, etc. I got to walk around streets with a burden off my shoulders after so long. I got to look forward to the next days. The insecurities hit me up sometimes, but significantly less frequently, as I aimed in the beginning of the year. At this point I have had lost a good 5 kgs and had been eating very healthily too, and I was enjoying this new healthier lifestyle I adapted. This is still valid too.

Let’s examine June a little more carefully. At the end of the June I was going to go out of town to have an internship at a very prestigious university out of town. Which meant I had to stay in student dorms. I had no background about my field of internship yet. I was going to be utterly alone and I was freaking out about it. I’ve spent last week of June extremely tense because I don’t live in dorms normally and sharing a space with people and being alone at a professional place and things like doing laundry felt terrifying. But at the same time I was proud of myself because I’ve had always wondered how life would be living in a college campus, and this school I went was the best in my country equal to the university I am attending. Overall, it was prestigious and I was very excited.

Another important thing about June was that I’ve had written almost ALL of Conflict in my head with two of my roleplay partners eagerly listening to me and encouraging me whenever I plotted.

Have you noticed this?

My story was completed BEFORE I even posted.

At the end of June, a few days before I was about to leave for the internship, I had a breakdown. I had a bad breakdown. I had first draft of Conflict completed but I could never get to edit it. I could never get to post it. I didn’t even have an account. I didn’t really expect much interest in the story either, I just... I don’t know. I think I just thought, “Wow, this plot is so feelsy. I shouldn’t keep it buried in me. Maybe other people will love it too.” and I... kept Conflict waiting... for so long. Then I had a breakdown thinking I can’t do a fucking thing right and I’ll never get to post anything because I always let my “depression” take over it— which is a funny excuse because I wasn’t even depressed at June. Scared yes, but not depressed. I hate playing the victim. Objectively speaking, I wasn’t at my best but it wasn’t my worst either. Anyway. I left first chapter of Conflict linger there for a few weeks, hopeless that I could ever post.

✔️ Then comes July. I came to the internship city! It was AWESOME. I LOVED the campus, LOVED the experience, LOVED my field, and ENJOYED dorm life. I made many friends. I had roommates. I worked out more often. I went to sightseeing. I extended my network. I did A LOT of fun stuff.

On the first night I was at dorms, my two roommates were out. I didn’t know anyone yet. I had ONE night free to do anything. I was... in an awe. So I opened the documents. I looked at the pretty sight from my dorm room and I said, “Well, let’s do this.”

It was like a torture to finish that first chapter.

I had no expectations when I posted.

But oh my god, it felt like something clicked when I posted! Getting my story POSTED was a significant proof that I was SERIOUSLY moving on from the LAST traces of depression. It was something I created. It was MY productivity. It was ME. But in a way it was everyone. I felt extremely happy. Oh— did I mention Conflict is my first fanfiction?

Anyway, then I began to look forward to updating. Living in campus had it’s amazing advantages, such as no time wasted on transport, and ability to chill at coffee shops or 24/7 open library ALL NIGHT if I wanted. Which was wayyy less depressing than the environment of my house. I wrote. I felt super engaged. The simple fact that I could exist and produce something and have other people respond to it was something I could never imagine myself doing back on my depressed days. (But I could totally imagine this BEFORE I got in depression. In a way, I was back. I am still back. And I’m so grateful.)

I wasn’t only fooling around to write, though. I’ve been learning a lot. Experiencing a lot. Living a lot. It was amazing. I even binge watched Harry Potter with my roommate— and I hadn’t rewatched it before. (I had fucking forgotten that Sirius died, lmao.)

I also briefly fell in love again. It was a nice brief summer thing. Still think she’s amazing.

I need to go now, actually, so I’m abrubtly cutting this post off halfway to edit later. I don’t know what I earn by sharing this. I’m definitely not looking for attention— maybe you’ve realized it before but I give very little fucks about what people around me say (except for constructive critism). But somehow, I felt as if someone needed to see this. I don’t know that person. I don’t know who they are and when they are reading this. I just want people to know that there is an example of a girl who seriously changed a lot within span of a year by constant hard work, gentle-self-talks, and constant push-throughs even when she’s not motivated. Right now I’m far from being depressed nor suicidal, I’ve lost enough weight to dress up all bold clothes I LOVE to wear, I’ve built self-confidence, etc, as I will edit later. I just... want you all to know... even if this is not valid for everyone if you want something to happen you have to MAKE it happen. And it actually HAPPENS when you MAKE it happen. So, you don’t have to stay stuck in a bad cycle. You don’t even need a new year’s eve to do this. I started at february, see?

So do your best! I’m cheering for you!

Edit: I’m back. So point of this post was to check whether I’ve reached my goal of having less frequent depressive episodes. (Because I know I’m human and depressive episodes can hit ANYONE, so I didn’t have an unrealistic “I’ll never experience this again” expectation but I did have the expectation of “I’ll experience this maybe once or twice in a year, move on fast w/o unhealthy coping mechanisms and I’ll stay connected to LIFE instead of dissosciation” and I’ve achieved this.

A fast summary would be,

July built my self confidence at all aspects, from my hobbies to my career, my social skills to my curiosities. It was amazing.

August-September was vacation. One month of having a blissful vacation without feeling like a burden. One month of having full bliss. No depressive episodes not even once. I was regularly working out and I didn’t gain any weight even though I eat sweets and nice food everyday because of “holiday”. I went to a dietician in the end to find out my blood sugar is very healthy and my weight is normal now.

At the end of September & beginning of October I was nervous because of school, but I handled a lot better. I have done my best. I have truly done my best. I attended almost all lectures, I engaged in the material, asked all questions on my mind, went office hours, stayed active in newspaper, continued to hit up gym regularly, built more friendships, ALSO STAGED A THEATRE TEXT I HAVE WRITTEN LIKE THAT WAS AMAZING, and— and—

I don’t know, fast through November it doesn’t feel enough. I don’t know what I’ve honestly expected. But I expected to feel smarter or something, because science is hard shit. I expected better grades than this because I have honestly given it my all best. But the fact that my friends called me to reassure me made me really happy because one of my other goals was to build friendships and to think people, online and offline, check up on me makes me tear up. Especially when they are genuniely by my side as friends. It just feels so nice. So I’m feeling bittersweet.

I couldn’t lose any more weight since June, but I kept gaining/losing in some balance and I’m stable by now. My aim for February is to... lose 10 kgs in total— in a year. Which means I’ve got 4 kgs left to get rid of extra weight. I’m not really obsessed with body image, I’ve never been, but... What will I even do if I do not eat healthy and exercise? I mean, what’ll I even do? I like exercising and healthy eating. So I should just prevent stressful eating further so I can get rid of all the extra stuff. I’m already wearing all the pretty clothes I want and I do get stares because ;; idk they look cute I’m cute. Not in a narcissitic way. But self-love is important. I’m bi anyway, I do think girls are cute so since I’m a girl why shouldn’t I be cute as well?? A very feminine girl in fact, so like, hell yes, at least Nila can now wear whatever she wants and feels like she looks good on them so ONE OF THE MAJOR GOALS OF 2019 is fucking SETTLED!!

I’m planning to meet up my dietician again soon, and say that, “Look, I’ve come this far. Let’s lose 4 kgs in next 4 months. It makes 1 kg a month. Amazingly managable right? So guide me so I don’t ruin my health while thinning.”

So, I’ve managed my three major goals: Get rid of depression (learn how to burn it if it hits you); get a body you not only appreciate but feel genuniely HAPPY to be in; and built friendships and strengthen your bonds with people.

My two other major goals are incompleted, though. To cut it short, I wanted to get a better academic standing— from my first midterm grades I couldn’t really achieve that no matter how hard I tried, which is truly upsetting, but I have no choice but to go on. I love my major. I love science. I genuniely want to stay in this field. I don’t think I’m too idiotic to be a scientist. Sometimes I do think that, okay, but that’s a common thought in STEM majors. I do want to believe that what I work on will make a difference. It will have a meaning. So even though these results... are very discouraging to the point I felt really bad today, as if I could somehow, I don’t know, have a panic attack or something (I did not, I don’t have chronic anxiety or panic attacks or whatever, never experienced this). I just felt close to it, with increased heartbeat and feeling a bit dizzy and also very... imbalanced. But that’s probably because I didn’t eat well today, I unintentionally ate very little hence probably it exhausted me combined with bad news and saturday’s breakdown. Anyway. I have no choice but to go on, believing it will be better. My last major goal was to have a romantic partner, haha. Because I just want to. I mean, I don’t think I need to justify why I’d want a boyfriend or a girlfriend, and I don’t think I worked hard for this goal lol. I mean, I didn’t go out of my way to reach people. I liked like... three people this year, I still like one of them, but... It didn’t... go far. That’s probably because I still haven’t completely shaken off my shyness and unwillingness to get out of my comfort zone.

In conclusion, I have achieved 3/5 of my goals, which is more than half of it! So good job! For the girlfriend/boyfriend part, I, haha, I may neglect it for this year I mean it’s dumb to date someone just because??? You want to date before year ends right??? I mean, I’m not exactly angry at myself for that because it’s not only in my control so I think I forgive myself for not achieving that goal.

Academics though.

Ugh, academics are extremely terrifying to me.

That’s one big thing I need to settle.

On the bright side I have— two months! Silly me thought I have just one! So... let me... work hard in these two months!!!! And I’ll update if I can get a better GPA this semester. And if I get a lover. It’s ok not to have lovers but at least let me keep the GPA high I BEG you.

I’ve got new goals settled for 2020. But I will focus on achieving my last two goals before the year ends (academics mostly) and... update!

I don’t know who needs to read this. But I don’t mind having my journey posted at this point. I still feel very uncomfortable talking about depression, actually. But it was my reality. Now that I truly moved on, I can talk about it and critisize myself for all good and all bad.

I hope, to anyone who bothered to read so long, it gave some hope. That things can get better. That you CAN make things better little by little. 2020 can be your year. Or you can start on this very day like I randomly started on February (I didn’t have a thing for February, I just so happened to decide).

I’ll always be cheering those who do their best to make a difference.

Stay safe and let’s work hard. ❤️

Disclaimer: Some of my kind hearted readers were worried about me because Conflict describes unhealthy mindsets. Don’t worry— more than half of them are not based on my real life experiences! I’m not self-harming (never did, don’t think I ever will), neglecting antidepressants (I never used any actually), have suicidal tendencies (well, that part was real but no longer valid) AND I DON’T HAVE A RELATIONSHIP LIKE NORMAN/PETER sO Y’ALL CAN CHILL thank you for worrying about me I love you all

And I’ll be more than happy to be your goals-buddy if you want to change something about yourself as well!!!

[dweemeister]

2019 Movie Odyssey

Welcome to the new decade, to the new year 2020.

This is usually posted on New Year’s Eve, but I was watching the final movie of the 2019 Movie Odyssey last night. For those of you who do not know, the “Movie Odyssey” refers to all films that I have seen for the first time in their entirety - no rewatches. We’re going to go in a different order this week, so some for-fun awards will be posted later this week and the 2019 Movie Odyssey Awards will be on Sunday, January 5. As I go through things like The Irishman, Little Women, 1917, and Parasite, I will be posting some very tardy “Best of 2010s”-related posts. Hey, I may be from the Greater Los Angeles Area, but those Hollywood theaters that show all those prestige movies are far from where I live. I don’t always get to see those movies in a timely fashion. I digress...

The number of short films I saw this year increased dramatically (from 2018′s number of 107 to 2019′s 166) because I was on the 2019 Viet Film Fest’s curatorial committee, in addition to the fact that Turner Classic Movies (TCM) is continuing to show a Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer (MGM) short and a Popeye short every Saturday morning except in Februaries, Augusts, and select holiday weekends. Developments in my professional life - and probably exacerbated by the fact I was on the Viet Film Fest’s curatorial committee and had to see many shorts and the presence of vacation and the 2019 FIFA Women’s World Cup - saw a nosedive in the number of feature-length films and serials watched (108 feature-length films and serials this year compared to 156 last year). The total number of films actually increased, probably because of that uptick in shorts.

In addition to having the privilege of having seen many films made by and/or starring Vietnamese and Vietnamese from around the world and learning more about my heritage, I saw many more documentaries - in short and feature-length form - this year compared to others. But yet again this year (and we’re going to chalk this up to the clashes of professional developments at Viet Film Fest), there is a distinct lack of African and Latin American films for the 2019 Movie Odyssey. Knowing a handful of titles I have in the DVR, the former should be represented this year, but I have to make a better effort on searching for and finding films from Latin America.

Like every year, I thank all of you for being supporters of myself and for this old blog. I didn’t write too many Movie Odyssey reviews last year; if ever a Movie Odyssey review engages one person, that is a wonderful thing. So whether you have read, liked, reblogged, commented on, or shared a review, my thanks. And for those who have talked to me about movies we have both seen, are anticipating, or asking questions about something that appears on this blog, my thanks to you too. This blog, slower though it may be these days, would not be possible without you.

The 2019 Movie Odyssey has closed. With that, the 2020 Movie Odyssey has begun. The movies that comprised 2019′s are listed below. We began with an iconic American gangster film and ended with something different from the Czechoslovak New Wave.

As many of you know, all ratings are based on my imdb rating and half-points are always rounded down. My interpretation of that ratings system can be found here. A 6/10 is considered the borderline between “passing” and “failing”. Feature-length narrative films, serials, documentaries, and short films are rated within their respective spectrums. Without further ado:

JANUARY

Little Caesar (1931) – 9/10

Ventriloquist Cat (1950 short) – 6/10

Let’s Get Movin’ (1936 short) – 6/10

Mary Poppins Returns (2018) – 7/10

Modest Heroes (2018, Japan) – 6.5/10

Tit for Tat (1935 short) – 8/10

The Ascent (1977, Soviet Union) – 10/10

The Lost Chick (1935 short) – 7/10

Little Swee’pea (1936 short) – 6/10

Smokey and the Bandit (1977) – 7.5/10

Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017) – 6/10

The World’s Greatest Athlete (1973) – 4/10

The Last Flight of Noah’s Ark (1980) – 4/10

Barney Bear’s ‘Polar Pest’ (1944 short) – 5.5/10

Hold the Wire (1936 short) – 7/10

Green Book (2018) – 6/10

Hell to Eternity (1960) – 6/10

The Curse of Quon Gwon: When the Far East Mingles with the West (1916 short) – scored withheld; film is partially lost

How to Play Football (1944 short) – 7/10

Gus (1976) – 4/10

BlacKkKlansman (2018) – 9/10

The Great McGinty (1940) – 8/10

FEBRUARY (2019’s 31 Days of Oscar)                                                

Vice (2018) – 3/10

The Informer (1935) – 9.5/10

O Brother, Where Art Thou? (2000) – 7.5/10

Late Afternoon (2017 short) – 8/10

Animal Behaviour (2018 short) – 7/10

Weekends (2017 short) – 8.5/10

One Small Step (2018 short) – 7.5/10

Wishing Box (2017 short) – 6/10

Tweet Tweet (2018 short, Russia) – 6/10

Lost & Found (2018 short) – 7/10

Street Angel (1928) – 7.5/10

Thousands Cheer (1943) – 6/10

Fantastic Voyage (1966) – 6/10

Hale County This Morning, This Evening (2018) – 8/10

Madre (2017 short, Spain) – 7.5/10

Fauve (2018 short, Canada) – 7/10

Marguerite (2017 short, Canada) – 8.5/10

Detainment (2018 short) – 5/10

Skin (2018 short) – 7/10

Henry V (1944) – 8.5/10

Minding the Gap (2018) – 8/10

Black Sheep (2018 short) – 7/10

End Game (2018 short) – 7.5/10

A Night at the Garden (2018 short) – 7/10

Lifeboat (2018 short) – 7/10

Period. End of Sentence. (2018 short) – 8/10

MARCH

What Price Hollywood? (1932) – 7/10

Anastasia (1956) – 7.5/10 (31 Days of Oscar ends)

King of Jazz (1930) – 7/10

How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World (2019) – 7.5/10

Captain Marvel (2019) – 6/10

The Chinese Nightingale (1935 short) – 6/10

The Spinach Roadster (1936 short) – 6.5/10

Ginger and Fred (1986, Italy) – 6/10

Wee Willie Wildcat (1953 short) – 6/10

I’m in the Army Now (1936 short) – 5/10

Officer Pooch (1941 short) – 6/10

The Paneless Window Washer (1937 short) – 7/10

Us (2019) – 8.5/10

APRIL

Rock-a-Bye Bear (1952 short) – 8.5/10

Organ Grinder’s Swing (1937 short) – 7/10

The Great White Hope (1970) – 6/10

The African Lion (1955) – 8/10

Yellowstone Cubs (1963) – 7/10

Shazam! (2019) – 7/10

The Flying Bear (1941 short) – 6/10

My Artistical Temperature (1937 short) – 7/10

Ocean’s Eight (2018) – 7/10

The Hick Chick (1946 short) – 6/10

Hospitaliky (1937 short) – 8/10

One Foot in Heaven (1941) – 8/10

MAY

Sons of the Desert (1933) – 10/10

Lonesome Lenny (1946 short) – 7.5/10

The Twisker Pitcher (1937 short) – 7/10

The Country Cousin (1936 short) – 7/10

Barnyard Babies (1935 short) – 6/10

Morning, Noon and Night Club (1937 short) – 6/10

Avengers: Endgame (2019) – 7/10

The Calico Dragon (1935 short) – 7.5/10

Lost and Foundry (1937 short) – 7/10

Detective Pikachu (2019) – 6/10

The Wild Country (1970) – 6/10

I Never Changes My Altitude (1937 short) – 7/10

Murder, She Said (1961) – 7.5/10

Farewell to Dream (1956, Japan) – 7/10

The Human Comedy (1943) – 7/10

A Better Life (2011) – 8/10

Booksmart (2019) – 7.5/10

The Goose Goes South (1941 short) – 6.5/10

I Likes Babies and Infinks (1937 short) – 6/10

The Hound and the Rabbit (1937 short) – 6/10

The Football Toucher Downer (1937 short) – 7/10

Godzilla: King of the Monsters (2019) – 6/10

JUNE

A Rainy Day with the Bear Family (1940 short) – 6/10

Protek the Weakerist (1937 short) – 7/10

Rocketman (2019) – 7/10

The Rookie Bear (1941 short) – 6/10

Fowl Play (1937 short) – 6/10

Let’s Celebrake (1938 short) – 7/10

Hoài (Ongoing, Memory) (2018 short) – 7.5/10*

Pelvicachromis (2018 short, Germany) – 6.5/10*

Screen Time (2019 short) – 5/10*

The Bridge Between Vietnam Traditional Music and the World (2018 short, Vietnam) – 6/10*

Journey of Wanderers (2019 short, Vietnam) – 7/10*

Toy Story 4 (2019) – 8/10

The Homeless Flea (1940 short) – 6/10

Learn Polikeness (1938 short) – 6/10

Abandoned Ones (2017, United Kingdom) – 8/10*

Jasmine Lane (2019 short, France) – 7/10*

Cosmic Beauty (2019 short) – experimental film; score withheld*

Blue Noise (2018 short) – experimental film; score withheld*

The Undeniable Force of Khó Khăn (2018 short) – experimental film; score withheld*

Push (2018 short) – 7/10*

Sorge 87 (2017 short, Germany) – experimental film; score withheld*

Embarko (2019 short) – 5/10*

Tiger Child (2019 short) – 5.5/10*

The Wedding Dress (Áo Dài) (2019 short) – 5/10*

Thanksgiving (2018 short) – 7.5/10*

Little Father (Petit Père) (2017 short, France) – 6/10*

While I Breathe, I Hope (2018) – 7/10*

The House Builder-Upper (1938 short) – 7/10

Edge of Tomorrow (2014) – 7.5/10

Creed II (2018) – 7/10

JULY

The Garden of Mr. Vong (2017 short, Germany) – 7.5/10*

Made in Vietnam (2017) – 7/10*

The Mechanical Butcher (1895 short, France) – 6/10

Lively Pillow Fight by Children (1898 short, France) – 7/10

Win My Baby Back (2019, Vietnam) – 5/10*

In Full Bloom (2019 short) – experimental film; score withheld*

Flagged (2017 short) – 6.5/10*

An American Family (2018 short) – 6/10*

Two Paper Nightingales (2019 short) – 6/10*

The Kite Under the Rain (2018 short, Thailand) – 6/10*

Table Stakes (2019 short) – 6/10*

Alexa and May (2018 short) – experimental film; score withheld*

Tôi là thằng khốn (Miserasshole) (2018 short, Vietnam) – 4/10*

Influencer (2018 short) – 5/10*

Pure, Like Flower (2019 short) – 2/10*

Searching for the None (2018 short) – 7/10*

Hiệu (2018 short) – 8/10*

The Man with the Wooden Face (2017 short, Vietnam) – 4/10*

Finding the Virgo (2018) – 6.5/10*

Thạch Thảo (2018, Vietnam) – 6/10*

Tundra (2018 short, Canada) – 7/10*

The Colors You Can’t See (2019 short) – 6/10*

Touching the Moon: The Ngo Thanh Van Story (2019 short, Vietnam) – 5/10*

Cold Fish (Cá Đông) (2018 short, Vietnam)* - experimental film; score withheld

Gold (2018 short) – 5.5/10*

The Immortal (2018, Vietnam) – 6/10*

Le Van Khoa: A Lifetime of Arts (2018) – 6/10*

No More Than This (2019 short) – experimental film; score withheld*

Little Sunny (2018 short, Vietnam) – 7/10*

Song Lang (2018, Vietnam) – 8/10*

Roommate (2018 short, Vietnam) – experimental film; score withheld*

The Bloody Hand (Bàn Tay Máu) (2019) – 6/10*

Ephemeral (2018 short) – experimental film; score withheld*

New Year’s Dream (2019, Vietnam) – 5/10*

Sister 13 (2019, Vietnam) – 6/10*

The Moment (2018 short) – 5/10*

Ramadan (2018 short) – 7/10*

American Girl (2018 short) – 5/10*

Red Thread (2019 short, Canada) – 6/10*

Like an Old House (2017, Vietnam) – 6.5/10*

If Beale Street Could Talk (2018) – 8/10

Walk Run Cha-Cha (2019 short) – 8/10*

Picking Things Up (Nối Lại Tình Xưa) (2019 short, Canada) – 6/10*

Seadrift (2019) – 7/10*

Big Chief Ugh-Amugh-Ugh (1938 short) – 4/10

I Yam Love Sick (1938 short) – 6/10

It’s Always There (2019 short, Vietnam) – 7/10*

Scandal Sheet (1952) – 7/10

Poultry Pirates (1938 short) – 5/10

Plumbing Is a ‘Pipe’ (1938 short) – 6/10

Tom Turkey and His Harmonica Humdingers (1940 short) – 6/10

The Jeep (1938 short) – 8/10

AUGUST

Pavarotti (2019) – 7/10

Overlord (1975) – 8/10

The Perils of Pauline (1947) – 6/10

The Moon-Spinners (1964) – 7/10

Dr. Mabuse the Gambler (1922, Germany) – 7.5/10

The Littlest Horse Thieves (1976) – 7/10

Once Upon a Time in Hollywood (2019) – 8/10

Design for Living (1933) – 7/10

Barnali (1963, India) – 7.5/10

The Whales of August (1987) – 7.5/10

SEPTEMBER

The Farewell (2018) – 8.5/10

Fun and Fancy Free (1947) – 5/10

Donald’s Tire Trouble (1943 short) – 7/10

The Uninvited Pest (1943 short) – 6/10

Bulldozing the Bull (1938 short) – 6/10

The Love Bug (1968) – 6/10

The Old Pioneer (1934 short) – 5/10

Mutiny Ain’t Nice (1938 short) – 7/10

La Pointe Courte (1955, France) – 7.5/10

The Happiest Millionaire (1967) – 6/10

The Art of Skiing (1941 short) – 7/10

Ad Astra (2019) – 8.5/10

Goonland (1938 short) – 8/10

The Peanut Butter Falcon (2019) – 6/10

Toyland Broadcast (1934 short) – 5/10

A Date to Skate (1938 short) – 7/10

OCTOBER

Joker (2019) – 8/10

Two Little Pups (1936 short) – 7/10

Cops Is Always Right (1938 short) – 7/10

Growing Home (2019 short) – student film; score withheld*

Come Again (2019 short) – student film; score withheld*

Hard (2019 short) – student film; score withheld*

Love Your People (Thường dân) (2019 short) – student film; score withheld*

Returning (2019 short) – student film; score withheld*

The Tree Surgeon (1944 short) – 6/10

Customers Wanted (1939 short) – 6/10

House of Usher (1960) – 7.5/10

The Wayward Pups (1937 short) – 6/10

Leave Well Enough (1939 short) – 6/10

Horror Hotel (1960) – 7/10

The School for Postmen (1947 short) – 7/10

The Hockey Champ (1939 short) – 7/10

Kuroneko (1968) – 8.5/10

The Pups’ Picnic (1936 short) – 6/10

Wotta Nitemare (1939 short) – 7/10

The War of the Worlds (1953) – 8/10

NOVEMBER

Ghidorah, the Three-Headed Monster (1964, Japan) – 6.5/10

Woodstock (1970) – 10/10

Happy-Go-Nutty (1944 short) – 7/10

Ghosks Is the Bunk (1939 short) – 7/10

Victor/Victoria (1982) – 9/10

Pain & Glory (2019, Spain) – 7.5/10

Honeyland (1935 short) – 6/10

Hello How Am I (1939 short) – 7/10

The Lighthouse (2019) – 8/10

Jour de Fête (1949, France) – 7.5/10

Ford v Ferrari (2019) – 8/10

Jitterbug Follies (1939 short) – 6/10

It’s the Natural Thing to Do (1939 short) – 7/10

Frozen II (2019) – 6/10

Little Cheeser (1936 short) – 6/10

Never Sock a Baby (1939 short) – 6.5/10

A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood (2019) – 8/10

The Red Badge of Courage (1951) – 7.5/10

The Westerner (1940) – 8.5/10

Sitting Pretty (1948) – 7/10

DECEMBER

An Autumn Afternoon (1962, Japan) – 9/10

Little Buck Cheeser (1937 short) – 6/10

Shakespearian Spinach (1940 short) – 6/10

Bobby Bumps and His Pointer Pup (1916 short) – 7.5/10

Bobby Bumps’ Fly Swatter (1916 short) – 6/10

Bobby Bumps Gets a Substitute (1916 short) – 5/10

Bobby Bumps Helps a Book Agent (1916 short) – 5.5/10

Bobby Bumps Adopts a Turtle (1917 short) – 6/10

Bobby Bumps at Fido’s Birthday Party (1917 short) – 6/10

Bobby Bumps Starts for School (1917 short) – 7/10

Bobby Bumps, Chef (1917 short) – 7/10

Bobby Bumps. Surf Rider (1917 short) – 6.5/10

Bobby Bumps at the Dentist (1918 short) – 6.5/10

Bobby Bumps Caught in the Jamb (1918 short) – 6/10

Bobby Bumps’ Last Smoke (1919 short) – 8/10

Bobby Bumps in Hunting and Fishing (1921 short) – 5/10

Bobby Bumps in Their Master’s Voice (1921 short) – 7.5/10

Mama’s New Hat (1939 short) – 7.5/10

Females Is Fickle (1940 short) – 5/10

Knives Out (2019) – 8/10

Niagara (1953) – 7/10

Pitfall (1962, Japan) – 7.5/10

The Screwy Truant (1945 short) – 7/10

Stealin’ Ain’t Honest (1940 short) – 6/10

Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker (2019) – 5/10

The Holly and the Ivy (1952) – 8/10

The Racket (1928) – 7/10

Knute Rockne, All American (1940) – 7/10

Jewel Robbery (1932) – 7.5/10

The Vikings (1958) – 6/10

Something Different (1962, Czechoslovakia) – 7.5/10

[wuschwusch]

about me game

I was tagged by my gayer things sister @jamiesinverguenza thanks my friend :)

Were you named after anyone?

Nope. But my parents wanted my name to be Persian and have a meaning which is nice. It means the happy one, justice and everlasting, if I remember correctly. 

When was the last time you cried?

Just now when I was watching the behind the scenes extras of my Wonder Woman blu-ray...Yeah...Don’t know what that says about me...

Do you like your handwriting?

Not particularly. If I put effort into it, it’s ok. 

What’s your favorite lunch meat?

I don’t really have one tbh.

Do you have kids?

No.

If you were a different person, would you be friends with you?

Absolutely. I think, I’m a great friend to have in your corner. 

Do you still have your tonsils?

Yes. No gallbladder, but my tonsils. You keep some, you lose some.

Would you bungee jump?

Don’t think so. To put it in Donna’s words, “I don’t get it.”

What’s your favorite cereal?

I don’t know if they have it in the US, but I love Kellog’s Toppas Grape.

Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?

If I can’t avoid it ;) Or I just wear shoes without laces. 

Do you think you are a strong person?

I think so. 

What’s your favorite ice cream flavor?

Mango, Snickers, rice pudding, blueberry, hazelnut, cookie dough, the list goes on...I guess, I really like ice-cream. Sue me.

What’s the first thing you notice about people?

Sense of humor. But in general, just everything really. I try not to pay attention to one thing. But through connecting with someone you notice details about them and the better you get to know them, the more you see the unique beauty, which is a beautiful thing.

Do you use sarcasm?

Yes. A lot. I can’t help myself. But I also use a lot of irony and self-deprecating humor.

What’s your least favorite physical thing about yourself?

I’ve tried to actively not focus on the negative things when it comes to body image and instead be chill and just enjoy eating as much as excercising and trying to listen to what my body tells me. It’s like a lifelong learning experience, I think.

What color pants and shoes are you wearing right now?

My Wonder Woman onesie and my unicorn house slippers. Yeah...

What are you listening to right now?

I’ve been listening to a lot of Moderat, Magic Sword, Bear McCreary, Agnes Obel and the Halt and Catch Fire OST the last weeks or so.

If you were a crayon, what color would you be?

Royal blue. 

Favorite smell?

Cinnamon, grape fruit, rosemary, anything freshly baked.

Who was the last person you talked on the phone with?

A very good friend of mine. 

Favorite sport to watch?

All the sports, well I love sports. Ok...Let’s list a few: basketball, olympic wrestling, tennis, handball, beach volleyball, synchronized swimming, ice dance, football, track and field, parcour, rhythmic gymnastics, gymnastics, ...

Hair color?

Brown

Eye color?

Brown

Do you wear contacts?

Sometimes. Mostly for sport and in the summer, because I love sunglasses. 

Favorite food?

RUDE. Too many to choose from. Zereshk Polo, that one pasta bake that my mom makes, but in all honesty, ALL THE FOOD.

Scary movie or comedy?

Define scary. I mean, I love psyho thrillers, crime movies, not much into horror and specifically into torture porn kinda stuff. And I love comedys...So, I guess both depending on the type of comedy, the type of scary movie.

Last movie you watched?

Blade Runner in the theater. Our Souls At Night at home.

What color shirt are you wearing?

Wonder Woman onesie.

Summer or winter?

Both. Seasons in general. I love seasons.

Hugs or kisses?

Both obviously. No kisses in sight at the moment, but hugs, there are always hugs. I’m definitely a hugger, a good one and I love giving hugs. 

Book you’re currently reading?

I’m always kinda reading several things at the same time. Right now it’s Der Ursprung der Welt by Liv Strömquist. A graphic novel on the cultural history of the vulva. The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood and a Wonder Woman Comics Anthology.

Who do you miss right now?

Some of my dearest friends who live far away.

What’s on your mouse pad?

A crab dancing in running shoes. All 8 of them. This is not a joke.

What’s the last TV program you watched?

Wanted. An Australian show about two female strangers who are taken as hostages and end up on the run together. It’s pretty hilarious and fun and has two great female leads. Before that I finished Mindhunter and nearly cried when Anna Torv was back on my TV screen, so I just started rewatching Fringe which is still as great as it was a few years ago.

What’s the best sound? 

Heartfelt laughter.

Rolling Stones or The Beatles?

Beatles. I’m still in love with Julie Taymor’s Across the Universe.

What’s the furthest you ever travelled?

New Zealand.

Do you have a special talent?

I’m really good at being a cheerleader as in someone who cheers you on and believes in you.

Where were you born?

Tehran.

So my time to tag some folks. No need to do this if you don’t want to. Just ignore in that case :) But maybe you love procrastinating as much as I do... @pseudofaker, @goodobservationshirley, @gretagertwig, @i-heart-scully, @spacebikechronicles, @oscarspoe, @ainokiseki

[shirtlesssammy]

The End: 5x04 Recap

Welcome to the episode that launched a thousand fanworks! There’s so much hinted and untold story between the present and future in this episode. It’s no wonder it’s a favorite for many people to rewatch, and a popular platform from which to launch stories.

Now:

The brothers are still on their own paths towards the apocalypse, and Dean, done with his super platonic buddy time with Cas, pulls up to a motel to crash for the night. A street preacher pesters Dean about God’s plan. Once in his motel room, Dean chats with Cas about the Colt. Cas has a lead on the gun but Dean needs to sleep. Cas is suspicious. God, he’s cute here.

Dean’s phone rings again. This time it’s Sam. Sam is Lucifer’s vessel. Dean acts indifferent and jaded to their current reality. Sam wants back in. Dean gives Sam his sob story of how they don’t work together - they’re weaker when they’re together; they’re better off apart. He says goodbye to his brother, and any hope of stopping the apocalypse.

The next morning, Dean awakens to a spring mattress under him, no cell coverage, and an eerily empty post-apocalyptic world.

Dean wanders the streets which are dirty, derelict, and devoid of humans. In an alleyway, he finds a little girl and asks, “Are you hurt?”

She’s hurt, but more like hurt in the brain hurt, and she lunges at Dean like a rabid zombie. Dean punches the little girl (and we cheered.) It’s only then that he sees the words “Croatoan” spray painted on a wall.

Just then the local Croatoan street gang makes an appearance. Dean takes off with them in hot pursuit. Dean runs into a fence, his fate seemingly sealed, but unknown forces appear and open gunfire, blasting “Do You Love Me”. (I love this moment - it’s disjointed but so perfect. Dean is completely clueless at this point -- we we are as well. The music and bullets set this odd tone of military bravado in a topsy-turvy world.) Dean escapes through the fence and sees a quarantine sign:

It’s so weird to think that this episode is 3 years in the past! This show! May it last forever!

Dean hotwires a car and as he’s traveling down the road, Zachariah joins him for a little tête-à-tête. Zach gives Dean the low down on the state of the world in 2014 (not as bad as 2017, amirite?). He also tells Dean he’s going to make him marinate in this hellish nightmare for 3 days. He’s going to learn why he needs to say ‘yes’ to Michael.

Dean heads to Bobby’s. It’s dark and deserted, and he finds Bobby’s wheelchair with bullet holes. He jimmies open the fireplace safe and finds a picture of a group of men - Bobby and Cas included - at a Camp Chitaqua. Dean makes it to camp in the blink of a commercial break, and quickly sees the rusted shell of the Impala. “Oh, Baby, no.” He walks to the third lead inanimate object that drove him from point A to point B, and is knocked out from behind - by himself! Dun-dun-dun!

Dean comes to, chained to a post, with Future!Dean watching him, gun trained on him.

Future!Dean wants an explanation - Dean tells him that Zachariah sent him 5 years into the future. Future!Dean demands our Dean to tell him something only he would know. Dean confesses his time with Rhonda Hurley and her infamous pink, satiny panties. Like, this is possibly the most intimate thing we will ever know about Dean. Much has been made of this moment from us, but at this time, between the two Deans, Future!Dean now knows he’s dealing with himself, and all that comes with it. He tells Dean about the spread of the Croatoan virus, and how the world fell apart once the virus spread two years prior. And he tells Dean, “Heavyweight showdown in Detroit. From what I understand, Sam didn’t make it.” They hadn’t talked in 5 years.

Future!Dean needs to make a Target run, so Dean is going to stay nice and hidden away from the gen pop at Camp Chitaqua. Future!Dean should know himself better, as Dean works himself free with minimal effort.

As a newly free Dean wanders the camp, Chuck finds who he thinks is the camp leader and informs Dean of the camp’s dwindling toilet paper supply, and ponders what they should do before wondering if Dean is supposed to be on a mission. Dean gets to dodge that tricky question, but doesn’t dodge a blow from Risa. It appears he spent the night with Jane, despite his “connection” with Risa. And apropos of nothing, Dean asks if Cas is around. Interesting segue, Dean. Chuck will never guess your train of thought because they all know of your “connection” with Cas already.

Dean heads to Cas’s cabin and finds End!Cas in all his drug fueled, hippy-dippy, orgy-leading, non-labelled beauty. I’m hard pressed to choose a favorite version of Cas, but this is the version I find most interesting. Dean’s a bit nonplussed.

Cas picks up that Dean isn’t the Dean from his time (How does he do that if he’s human now. Insert <we just don’t know gif>) Dean asks for his angelic help, but Cas laughs. “What are you, stoned?” Dean wonders.

“Generally, yeah.” Oh Endverse!Cas, never change.

Future!Dean and his errand crew make it back to camp. They break open the celebratory brewskies (ok, there’s still beer in End!verse? How bad can it be?) Future!Dean then pops a bullet in his fellow comrade’s head before Dean’s warning can prevent it. The others in the crew now see two Deans and Future!Dean admits, “it’s a pretty messed up situation we got going.” (I love the meta on this statement being about Dean and Cas. I mean, the camera does pan and focus on Cas after all.)

Dean and Future!Dean face off in the privacy of the meeting cabin. Future!Dean reveals that Yeager was infected with the Croatoan virus and he’d just performed a mercy killing. In fact, Future!Dean contends, his men were probably more freaked out by the Dean double than by Yeager’s death.

Dean apologizes for interfering in his leadership of the camp and they share a drink while Future!Dean reveals details about the mission they’d just been on. He pulls out the Colt from his duffel bag. After five years of searching, he’s finally ready to kill the Devil.

In the planning cabin the head honchos (Future!Dean, Risa, and Castiel) confer about the attack plan. They’re going to bust into Lucifer’s compound and kill him. Risa is particularly snippy and Future!Dean asks if everything’s okay. Dean helpfully says, “We were in Jane's cabin last night. And, apparently, we and...Risa have a connection.”

Yeah.

Future!Dean pushes the attack plan because he knows the whereabouts of Lucifer. He tortured it out of a demon just last week.

Classic Dialogue Alert

Cas: Our fearless leader, I'm afraid, is all too well schooled in the art of getting to the truth.

Dean: Torture? Oh, so, we're torturing again. No, that's good. Classy.

Cas: [laughs]

Future!Dean: [bitchface]

Cas: What? I like past you.

Oh, you guys. This. Scene. People have written hundreds of thousands of words about Castiel’s familiar sass, and Future!Dean’s harsh despair. Fans have wallowed in the agony of Dean’s fall into darkness and Castiel following him - always following him. Cas may be bitter and damaged but he’s still loyally fighting, regardless. Excuse me. I need to go lie down.

Risa and Castiel head off to assemble the assault team while Dean stays behind with Future!Dean. Dean wants to know why he’s going on the offensive with the team. What if he’s killed? Won’t that kill future him too? Future!Dean believes Zachariah is going to protect him and, under pressure, tells Dean about Sam.

“Sam? I thought he was dead,” Dean says.

“Sam didn’t die in Detroit. He said yes.” Future!Dean drops the truth bomb with a snarl. “You need to see it. The whole damn thing so you can do it different.” And Future!Dean’s proposal? Say “yes” to Michael as soon as Dean gets home. He didn’t say yes to Michael, confident that he’d find a better way. But once the world started going to shit and he tried to say yes he discovered that the angels had retreated back to Heaven and humanity was on their own. He begs Dean to learn from his mistakes and say yes. “But you won’t,” he concludes in despair. “‘Cause I didn’t.”

(“There is no free will,” I weep from my pool of tears on the floor.)

Cut to Dean heading toward the trucks alongside Chuck. Chuck advises Dean to hoard toilet paper like it’s gold. This is always the part of The End I have trouble with now because with Season 11 canon layered on top of it, we have God just hanging out at Camp Chitaqua. He might as well be propped up on a chair eating out of a bag of popcorn and watching the fireworks at the end of the world. It always makes me hate Chuck a little bit, whereas before the God revelation he was considerably more sympathetic to me. I suppose I rewatch and mourn the loss of that neurotic, mostly innocent pulp writer. I do like to think that Chuck’s presence might be what kept Camp Chitaqua a safe haven for so many years. They assumed they were lucky but Chuck was doing a little under-the-table god magic in order to live a more comfortable life. (Natasha: Kicks Chuck in the shins anyway.)

Dean drives with Cas to Lucifer’s compound. Cas pops amphetamines and offers some to Dean. “It's the perfect antidote to that absinthe,” he says.

Uh...Dean would really like to know why Cas is suddenly a drug-saturated hippy. Cas tells him that he went mortal. When the angels left Earth and sealed themselves into Heaven his mojo just drained away.

Cas: I'm practically human. I mean, Dean, I'm all but useless. Last year, broke my foot, laid up for two months.

Dean: So, you're human. Well, welcome to the club.

Cas: Thanks. Except I used to belong to a much better club. And now I'm powerless. I'm hapless, I'm hopeless. I mean, why the hell not bury myself in women and decadence, right? It's the end, baby. That's what decadence is for. Why not bang a few gongs before the lights go out? But then that's just how I roll.

BRB. Just going to be curled up here on the floor for a while, processing and mentally wrapping Cas in a blanket.

Future!Dean lays out the plan. They’re going to storm the facility and shoot the Devil. So...it’s pretty straightforward.

For science

Dean pulls Future!Dean aside and calls him out on the plan beneath the plan. It turns out that most of the team are heading through the front door to kill demons in a big ambush but Dean and Future!Dean are going to sneak around the back to get the jump on Lucifer. Dean’s horrified at this. Is Future!Dean really going to sacrifice his friends so callously? And CAS? Yes, yes he is. Future!Dean bops Dean unconscious before he can tell everyone they’re signed up to be sacrificial lambs.

Dean wakes to the stutter of distant gunfire in the compound. He runs up and sees muzzle  flashes in the windows. Dean rounds a corner and finds his future self in a rose garden. Future!Dean lies on the ground, the Colt just out of reach, and Lucifer’s foot on his neck. As Dean watches, Lucifer (in Sam’s body) snaps Future!Dean’s neck.

Dean’s defiant.

Dean: Go ahead. Kill me.

Lucifer: Kill you? Don't you think that would be a little...redundant?

Samifer apologizes for skeeving out Dean by speaking to him in Sam’s shape. Dean gives Samifer his best bitchface.

Lucifer seems to take offense at Dean’s low opinion of his devilish plan. He’s got a mission, after all.

Lucifer: You know why God cast me down? Because I loved him. More than anything. And then God created you. The little hairless apes.

Dean: You’re the same brand of cockroach I've been squashing my whole life. An ugly, evil, belly-to-the-ground, supernatural piece of crap. The only difference between them and you is the size of your ego.

Dean tells Samifer that he’d better kill him now, in the future, because if he ever gets back to his own time then he’ll find a way to kill him.

Lucifer is unbothered by Dean’s vow to kill him. “Whatever you do, you will always end up here. Whatever choices you make, whatever details you alter, we will always end up—here.” Dean doesn’t want to believe it but a single man tear is still threatening to slip down his face.

Zachariah zaps Dean back to the past just in time. He corners Dean in his motel room and strongly encourages him to say yes to Michael. When Dean still hesitates, he threatens grave injury to Dean once again.

Dean still says no because he is our precious, sweet, strong bean. He learned a lesson from Zachariah’s little future peek...just not the lesson Zach wanted to impart.

Just when Zachariah is closing in, Cas zaps Dean to meet him by the side of the road. They had an appointment, after all.

Under the shelter of Castiel’s gaze, Dean calls Sam and invites him to meet. At their meeting behind some secluded railroad tracks, Dean offers Sam the demon blade and a spot in the Impala once again. He apologizes and admits that he was wrong to push Sam away. “Maybe we are each other's Achilles heel. Maybe they'll find a way to use us against each other, I don't know. I just know we're all we've got. More than that. We keep each other human.”

Sam thanks him and the brothers vow to deny the dark future Zachariah projected and make their own future.

Natasha: Lifts head from floor and wipes tears from face. “Good episode, guys. Good episode.”

The Quotes

You know, it's kind of funny. Talking to a messenger of God on a cellphone. It's, you know, like watching a Hell's Angel ride a moped.

I thought I smelled your stink on this Back to the Future crap.

Rhonda Hurley. We were, uh, nineteen. She made us try on her panties. They were pink. And satiny. And you know what? We kind of liked it.

I got a camp full of twitchy trauma survivors out there with an apocalypse hanging over their head. The last thing they need to see is a version of The Parent Trap.

Why not go get washed up for the orgy?

I thought you'd gotten over trying to label me.

Not gonna lie to you. Me and him? Pretty messed up situation we got going.

You ever get back there, you hoard toilet paper. You understand me? Hoard it. Hoard it like it's made of gold. 'Cause it is.

Okay, if you don't like, uh, 'reckless', I could use 'insouciant', maybe.

[broken-endings]

even though i’ve seen code geass twice before

i somehow missed out on a lot of the stuff I got into for other fandoms

like thinking of AUs and finding fanfic close to those AUs and fanart of ships

like, i wasn’t as avid at all those things as i am now

and now i’m rewatching it for the 2nd time. It’s been almost four years. My first rewatch almost predates my entrance to the yaoi universe

lelouch/suzaku is prob one of the biggest ships of all the anime i’ve seen that has an inordinate amount of doujinshi, but I never had interest

but HELLOOOOO interest

cuz, in between my last rewatch, and now, I actually figured out ways to get myself into ships that I hadn’t been into for a long time (coughcough timkon and jaytim) and now it is so easy to get me into a ship. Give me some gorgeous smexy fanart and the right chemistry and BAM i’m gone.

though these guys most definitely must be the most tragic of all my ships.

but so, in my rewatch now, i’m ALSO thinking of AUs for me to list of different canon divergences.

Thems below the cut

1) Canon Divergence AU where after the Mao incident, Lelouch doesn’t mindwipe Shirley. 

She’s near inconsolable in regards to thinking she’s a murderer, and hysterical about Lelouch being Zero and responsible for her father’s death. But she’s in too deep. She was willing to kill to protect Lelouch, even knowing he was Zero, whom she also contemplated killing.

Lelouch, when he was going to attempt to use geass, made the mistake of saying, “I can make you forget” and she doesn’t want that. She doesn’t know what he’s gonna do but she blocks his face and shields herself. “Shirley, then what do you want?” “To stay by your side.”

She stays by Lelouch’s side, but she’s not the cheerful girl she once was. She’ll smile at him, but it’s gentle and pained, and he can’t remember the last time he heard her laugh.

Lelouch refuses to let Shirley get involved in the Black Knights.

Shirley's paranoid about Lelouch’s identity being discovered, and sneaks around, following him when he isn’t in a mask. She still carries Lelouch’s gun.

Lelouch selfishly finds comfort in having Shirley with him, physically and emotionally. Not having to hide or lie. He does care about her.

She eventually gets him to relent and allow her to be involved in his resistance, but insists that she hide her identity like he does. He doesn’t introduce her as anyone special though, so his people wouldn’t get suspicious or jealous. She isn’t the only member to wear a mask other than zero, for protection.

They have their private moments during missions.

Shirley is the one who lies and hides to keep Lelouch safe. All she can think about is what would’ve happened that night she found out his identity if she’d done nothing. So she makes sure she always does something, even if she doesn’t have the right skills, she makes do. For Lelouch.

I imagine them as a kind of lost, tragic, dark couple.

2) PERSONA 5 AU

all the stuff about geass is actually related to the other world and shadows and personas. Geass is a power used by channeling one’s shadow self. They remain two separate entities but in that moment join to trigger their power. The two worlds overlap in that moment, and because of the power of the other world, said “magical” like effects happen in the physical world.

Geass is weaker than a persona because it is the unawakened other-self.

Lelouch has been channeling his shadow self, but Suzaku is the first to awaken his persona. It is only due to Suzaku’s awakening (when he comes to terms with the fact he killed his father) that Lelouch is even made aware that there is something stronger than geass. Gosh, Lelouch’s other self would be fascinating to see converse with his normal self.

If I was a better read person I’d totally assign everyone their personas, like how in p5 they’re characters of legend. Maybe pull some gods or goddesses from myth, or significant literary characters.

People who’d awaken to personas!!

Suzaku

Lelouch

Kallen

Shirley

Nunnally (the support role)

C2

Euphemia

Rolo

All the crazy stuff with the geass temples and the emperor’s obsession is about him wanting access to that other world, or rather to merge the worlds into one.

PALACES, characters who’d be targeted to get a change of heart

Clovis

Cornelia

Rolo

Schneizel

Marianne

V2

Emperor Charles

It’s possible to enter people with geass’ palaces because their other selves still slumber. Yes, Rolo is both one whose heart they change and he joins the team after that.

3) Psycho Pass AU

Britannia and Japan still are as is in canon. Japan is under Britannia’s control, but it’s Britannia’s use of the Sibyl System that has allowed it widespread control of the world. First the system was implemented through a joint effort, then control was slowly wrenched away from the original government.

There was no war. It’s the distinct lack of fighting that is different in this universe

The Royal family controls the Sibyl System, which leaves them as exceptions in its judgement. Though the system is exactly the same otherwise. Rather than the royals be unjudgeable, the system was built to not be critical of them, anyone within the royal bloodline.

Suzaku is an enforcer, has been ever since he killed his father, the prime minister who opposed partnering with Britannia and implementing the Sibyl System. But the fact that he killed his father is a close guarded secret within the government. Most in the agency, even Lelouch don’t know this truth.

Lelouch is an inspector, and Suzaku is in his squad. They’re still childhood friends. He was surprised to find out Suzaku was an enforcer, wondering what possibly could have happened to him. 

There is no geass in this universe.

Lelouch's psycho pass remains clear no matter what he does or thinks. He realized this early on. He’s always wary that maybe one day it’ll be updated and work on him and is extra cautious because of that thought. As an inspector with a dominator, he’s learned he can actually control the modes his dominator is in as well. Regardless of the Sibyl system’s judgement, he can override it. He keeps this a secret as well. To anyone watching his actions, they’d just assume whatever shape his dominator takes is a result of Sibyl’s judgement.

Kallen and CC are also enforcers in Lelouch’s squad, though CC has an unnatural amount of knowledge about the Sibyl system and confronts Lelouch on his secrets that should be impossible for anyone to guess or figure out.

Lelouch doesn’t know he’s royalty. His mother kept that a secret, and she was still killed. As an inspector he seeks to find her killer. His life outside the bureau he has his sister who is still disabled, though not blind. He has his friends (everyone from the student council)

Lelouch is the youngest senior inspector

I want Euphemia to be in Lelouch’s past too, but I can’t figure out a way to do that and still have him be ignorant of his bloodline

4) Canon Divergence AU in R2 when Lelouch was ready to give up and shoot up refrain in Shinjuku, Kallen does NOT reach him in time.

Kallen gets there too late. Lelouch was all drugged out. She tries to snap him out of it w/ some slaps and yelling, but her motivation dwindles with his lack of response.

She started speaking more calmly, touched him gently, pleading with him to give her any recognition, to which he does respond “Kallen” and she starts to tear up thinking she’s reached him, but then he starts rattling off old orders he gave her, telling her he wants her to be leader of the zero squad.

With a heavy heart she drags him back to where she had been staying alone, hidden in a corner of the ghetto. Unable to stop remembering her mom, Kallen takes care of him, and nods or gives a sullen one word response when he says things.

He seems to be starting to come back to his senses, and she decides one night that the next day she’ll start trying to talk to him again, but she wakes up to find him gone.

He’s gone to get another fix, and when she finally finds him again, she has to start all over with the waiting game. She cries herself to sleep, and talks precautions to keep him from being able to leave when he sobers up.

When it finally seems like she might be able to get a conversation out of him the next day, she decides he’s not going anywhere. While he sleeps, she handcuffs his hands behind his back, and cuffs herself to him as well. She makes a point to actually drape herself over him, so there’s no way he could even move without waking her. She doesn’t think she’ll get any sleep, but ends up falling asleep like that with the monotonous calm of his steady breathing.

“Come back” she whispers before falling asleep.

She wakes up to a shivering Lelouch

He’s lucid and she can talk to him but he’s getting irrationally angry and starts yelling about how he just wants “one more.”

“I’m not gonna let you destroy yourself. You don’t get to do that, not as long as people need you.”

5) Canon Divergence AU When Lelouch says the line to Kallen suggesting she console him and there’s things a woman can do, he doesn’t say it seriously.

He treats it as sarcasm and doesn’t approach her. He just sits back down.

Because he didn’t approach her or force himself, because he was truly at the end of his rope and Kallen didn’t know what else to do, and she could tell that he said those words, believing she’d never do such a thing.

Because she had time to think about it and felt desperate herself, she considered that even if he isn’t serious, he wouldn’t have suggested such a thing if it was meaningless. Even if his intention of saying it was to try to scare her off or push her away, there’s a lot of things he could have said or done, but he chose that one.

One thing Kallen has learned from Lelouch as zero is every decision he makes is precise and thought-out, every word he says isn’t said without consideration behind it, that’s how deep his manipulation and predictive nature goes. Even in this crisis where he’s not himself she can still believe that “There’s a reason he specifically said that.”

“Fine” she says after the abnormally prolonged silence.

“What?” Shock in his eyes he slightly turns to look in her direction

“You heard me.”

The one thing Lelouch can’t predict is the human element. People may have patterns, but they can also break those patterns. That’s one thing he can’t anticipate.

Kallen goes over to him and gently takes his hand. He still looks shocked and hasn’t said anything else. He’s so out of character it’s scaring her. She leads him to stand up and follow her, still holding his hand

“But not here.”

All Kallen can think is “if this can bring back Zero, so be it.” She would already kill for him, so she’d do anything.

They’re walking quite a while before Lelouch flexes his hand and starts gripping Kallen’s back.

They get to where she stays when she’s not with the Black Knights and she only lets go of his hand when she’s led him to sit on the bed in her tiny room. She closes the door behind her. Kallen could swear his look of shock was exactly the same as it was initially.

She walks over to him, to which, Lelouch finally manages words out “Kallen, you don’t have to–” 

She silences him with a finger to his lips. Standing over him she leans down to give him a kiss and she lets him, then much like his instinct when Shirley kissed him, he pulls her close to him, arms encircling her, deepening the kiss.

It started slow and passionate but they steadily picked up the pace

They don’t speak again about what they’re doing. The only words out of either of their mouths are either encouragement or direction, “lower,” “faster,” “wait,” “yes, that’s good.”

6) Canon Divergence AU where Shirley doesn’t die

I just want it. I have no idea how it would GO

[darklingichor]

Gilmore Girls Season 2 Eps. 11 & 12

Okay, I figured out what I'm going to do

Every time the show makes me want to hit something (ie any love triangle bullshit) I'm going to write about something else. Just for that section of the show. Could be a run down of the anime I'm rewatching, could be about what I am currently reading or crocheting, or if I get really desperate it could be about my struggles with learning excel. We won't know until we get there. Consider it a commercial break to save my blood pressure. I know I could just stop watching the show, but I really like Luke and Lorelei and I want to see how the family dynamics work out. And I'm writing about it because I am amazingly bored.

So, to get back on track. Episode 11

This episode is great, I love the bits with Kirk and Mrs. Kim and the termites. I liked Lorelei trying to get a loan, and Luke trying to give her one.

I loved Paris trying to Scooby Doo Rory's Psat scores out of her. Their relationship is starting to feel like Paris is a kingdom who is convinced it is at war with a neighboring kingdom while the neighboring kingdom is just doing its thing and wondering what all the screaming next door is about. I admire Rory here, so much of college shit you see on tv (and a little in real life) makes you think that you are in competition with every person who submits an application. That way madness lies! Rory's got a better approach, she's in competition with herself. Still stressful (because if you have a bad day it can put you into a tail spin) but more manageable. If you are in competition for personal things like grades and activities it is going to drive you nuts because you can't know how everyone is doing! Plus it makes it impossible to work with others when you see them as competition... As we have seen from Paris.

The sort of half fight between Rory and Lane was intersting. I sort of get why Lane would be into cheerleading. There's music, showmanship and timing to think of. All things that are factors in performing. Don't get me wrong, I never was never personally into cheerleading. For me it seemed like a lot of time, money, and effort to put into something that would end up sitting me on a bus with far too many people and I would have to watch a sport I didn't care about. It was extra useless in my public school days. When I was in 7th grade, our school's football team didn't win a game all season, not only that, they lost *hard* as in no points. One of my friends was a cheerleader and the day after the last game of the season she came running up to me: "We scored last night! A touchdown!

"We won?!"

"No, but we scored a touchdown!"

Our school's team scored a total of six points over the course of the season. Gotta make you wonder what the cheerleaders did during those games. If I had been one of them I would have alternated between making up cheers that would have amounted to: Hey, at least you guys don't have concussions! And trying to convince someone to bail with me and catch a movie.

Anyway, I also kind of get why Lane didn't want to tell Rory. As Rory pointed out in episode 10 with all of the ugly baby pictures, she and Lorelei mock people, that's what they do.

I also get why Rory was pissed though, she's sort of alienated at school and feeling like Lane is cutting her out would suck!

I loved that Lane made sure to have some of her personality come through in the cheerleading with the music. Too many times cheerleading is seen an a weird mind control cult.

So the loan part. What is it that they say? You know you're getting old when you start to agree with the parents rather than the kids in tv shows? Well, I guess I'm old becaise I totally agree with Lorelei about Rory bringing the loan up to Emily.

Sometimes you get the feeling that Rory thinks that she's the one making sure that everything gets done. And I kinda get it since Lorelei can seem a little flakey but as she pointed out, Rory has never gone without and Lorelei has kept her alive, healthy and thriving for sixteen years. Any other kid with any other parent would only have done what Rory did if their mom broke their leg or something and their house was going to fall down along with no paycheck coming in.

Lorelei would have gone to Emily for help if it came down to it. I mean come on, the house wasn't going to collapse in three days. They were taking all of this from Kirk... Kirk the guy who gets paid in carrot sticks in two episodes.

Honestly I even liked that Emily using cosigning for Lorelei's loan as a way to hold her DAR meetings at the Inn. That really benefits everyone. Emily gets to use the Inn and Lorelei gets more rich business from all of Emily's friends seeing the place and keeping it in mind for weddings and meetings of the tightass brigade.

Episode 12 - Wow, Richard is a dick. I get he's bored but to come into Lorelei's work place and chew her out about how "business relationships" are suppose to be conducted? And what he did is socially acceptable? Dressing down your daughter about something that you have no say in what so ever? Could it have occur to him that the hospitality industry and the insurance industry are different? Or maybe his rigid adherence to these norms is why he was being phased out?

And the shit he pulled with Rory and Dean? Fucking no! Look, I grew up with my grandparents as in my mom and I literally lived with them from the time I was three until they passed away. They helped raise me, absolutely. But my mom was in charge of my upbringing. As it should be, unless the parent is in someway incapable of raising the child. Richard stepped over the line and then sprinted into the next fucking county. And then we're suppose to put the fault on Lorelei when after she stood up to him he sings a sob story about how he hates being retired?

First, him being retired and butting into how Rory is being raised have nothing to do with each other. He essentially said "I didn't realize retirement ment I would have to entertain myself, you should just let me fuck up your life because I'm bored and this is somehow your fault."

Jesus, he had to go straight to messing everyone up? No books to read? He couldn't build ships in a bottle or go backpacking across Europe? Shit, he thinks everything that comes out of his mouth and falls out his ass is golden wisdom? Write your  damned memiors. That's what rich fucks do when they retire, sit down and write volumes about their lives and how, even though they don't have any particular insight, they know they are better than you.

One of the only times I have liked Dean is when he stood up to Richard. Good for him. I will say a lot about Dean that is mostly bad, but of he could wrap Rory in bubblewrap and carry her strapped to his chest, he would. I wouldn't have been surprised if he had crash test dummies and a lab in his basement to ensure that that car was safe.

I adored Paris trying to find some dirt in Stars Hollow I loved when Luke was talking to her and had this tone of "what planet are you from?"

This is the episode for getting me to not hate Rory's boys because I sort of like Jess's G rated Tyler Durden movie swap thing to get Rory's censorship picture out of the video store. Course it gets ruined in the next episode but at least This one ended well... Not counting Richard going home pouting because no one will let him be an irritating human leech.

[grapsandclaps]

GRAPS AND CLAPS 5 SHOW EXTRAVAGANZA PART 1

Hello Everyone! Here it is, the story of the bank holiday weekend of wrestling which was going to be a test of endurance of travelling, drinking, sleeping and watching the graps.

Show 32 of the #80showyear which was originally supposed to be a trip to Preston for Night 1 of World of Sport Wrestling, but sadly due to TNA being involved and the classic wrestling excuse of logistics putting pay to it taking place. So i ended up in total £60 out of pocket from hotel and train non usage.

The alternative therefore took me to Birmingham or Edgbaston to be more accurate for Lucha Forever “Catch Me Outside” with the first time ever scrap between Travis Banks and Matt Riddle and also the CZW Tag Title Match between CCK vs reigning champs Desmond Xavier and Zachary Wentz.

Arriving into Birmingham, it was onto my hotel which was one i hadnt been to in over 10 years - The Britannia which is a chain of hotel that are very dated but is very reasonable for the 35 quid for room and breakfast for a 1 night stay but i wouldnt recommend for more nights. The breakfast is one of them self serve efforts, the hash browns were definitely the lowlight of my plate compared to Wetherspoons hash browns. From the hotel it was at least a 15 minute walk to Broad Street and The Soloman Cutler Wetherspoons for a few pre-graps drinks with a couple of Wrestling Twitter people (shout out to Chris The Boozerweight and his mates - good people) not many real ales on in this spoons but price wise it was around 3 quid a pint.

We set off away from the pub onto the venue which was at least another 30 minute walk in the warm sunshine to The H Suite in Edgbaston, this is your typical function room venue that you would have for a wedding. Beer selection was your usual Guiness, Carling and Fosters paying £4 a pint.

Now onto the show itself, this was near enough a 10 match card which is too many for any wrestling fans liking - always should be around 6/7 matches. Actually a lot of good things happenend on this show including the aforementioned Banks vs Riddle match which was around 15 minutes of just intense and realistic action which i am a big fan of, Riddle looked massive here, in crazy shape Travis picked up the win eventually and is one you should watch online.

The CZW tag match was another great match with a surprising result with CCK becoming new champions over Xavier and Wentz. All 4 of these guys are great to watch and i would recommend anyone to go and see a show with any of these lads on. Other things i enjoyed included the 4 way match with Ridgeway, Haskins, Dan Moloney and Bubblegum with the latter i am happy seeing getting opportunities away from the North West. The 6 way with the 4 ligeros, Cara Noire and Kip Sabian was much fun and frolics and the best i have seen Sabian since that last outing in Manchester in which he wasnt very good. Out of the 3 womens matches i thought Toni Storm and Jinny was the best just over Kay Lee Ray vs Alex Windsor. The other womens match i struggled to get behind Bea Priestley as a goodie when she is naturally ‘a bulldog chewing a wasp’ just no reason to cheer her. I think more by association in this company that she is pushed. Bea was against Viper who is very much someone you can get behind and in this one night only Anti Fun Police gimmick was excellent. “The Man of Many Nicknames” David Starr was in action vs Omari in a good match. Now David Starr even though he is an excellent wrestler and very charismatic, i have never seen him win in around half a dozen attempts - I must have a curse on him. One thing that was cursed though was the lack of noise from the 400 strong audience, now i know it might be a weekday but wrestlers want at least a bit of noise to show people are at least reacting to something. I would like to think of myself of a bit of a clapper and a chanter in the right places, but it got silly when i walked to the bar for a pint the room was in utter silence, 30 seconds i walked back in and started clapping and woke the comotose crowd up. Sounds a bit of a rant but i’m right 👏👏👏 Overall this show even if a bit long was great fun and at least half a dozen matches you should rewatch online. Also it was great to meet quite a few new people who i would continue to see in the next few days. Further after the show it was a trip to PopWorld to throw some shapes to S Club 7 but in a sign of me getting old after about an hour of being in there as soon as the non trendy music came on, i decamped back to the hotel to contemplate getting some sleep and sucking my own thumb again. #80showyear #grapsandclaps OOH AAH DAVID STARR !- One of the Chants of the weekend started here and i will claim it.