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myplasticadversary · 2 months

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Idk if ur into this still but im having more Sheatles universe thoughts inspired by the girl monkees post.

You know how George and Pattie never had children? I think this would have negative consequences on girl George somehow like I think people would speculate on her being infertile and talk about how she’s depriving men of fatherhood and it wouldn’t help that she was already one of the weird girls and people would moralize about how she doesn’t understand the gift that is motherhood a lot, especially if we’re going off the idea of John having Julian and suffering with ppd. Like they’d be pit against each other (“even John settled down!”) or lumped together as failures as women especially in contrast to Paul (and Ringo I think). George also seems the most likely in my eyes to get an abortion but also it’s the 60s so it would probably be very dangerous and would have disastrous consequences media-wise if it ever came out. Thinking of Brian being not very helpful in this scenario because he can’t decide whether he wants to support her decision to get an abortion and help her or if he’s too worried about the media finding out.

I’m not sure if Ringo has Zak in this universe but if she does it makes things even worse for John and George because she’s so maternal. Like behind the scenes I don’t think ringo would actually be that great of a mother especially because I think she’d still have issues with alcoholism, but she’d probably have them more in the “wine mom” sense where people laugh about it and don’t register it as a problem , and her media persona is already the mother of the group so people really don’t recognize any of her issues.

I also think in sheatles universe The Beach Boys should also at least partially be girls. In this universe I think they’d have kept their og name the Pendletones, I also think Brian and Dennis would be the women. Dennis would 100% get the Courtney love treatment she’d be seen as a total bitch hated by the media and given she was the only one actually into surf culture I think this would have a negative impact but I dunno how. Once she dies tho she does have a group of dedicated fans who want to understand her and respect her like how Anna Nicole Smith and Marylin Monroe have now. (Also trying to wrap my head around how girl Dennis dating Mike Loves alleged daughter would have gone. Because it’s important to me that that’s still part of the lore that Dennis was having a possibly incestuous relationship with Mike Loves daughter).

Girl Brian… I’m fascinated with the concept of girl Brian. Brian is already so infantilized by the media (partially his own doing but you know), I believe she’d be fairly heavily put into the “born pretty yesterday” trope by the media. The media would 100% oscillate between praising her genius and making her out to be this totally useless attractive face.

I think she’d technically have her mental issues addressed way earlier than the 70s but it would not be productive at all like instead of getting her schizoaffective disorder treated she’d be labeled as hysterical so fast. Oh my god her body would be commented on so much more; people still give credit to Eugene Landy for “saving Brian” (aka starving him so he was thin) it would be soooo much worse in a universe where Brian is a woman people would be making horrible rumors about her like they did to Cass Elliot. People would be more willing to recognize her as having an eating disorder than they do guy Brian but I don’t think it would garner a lot of respect. I can’t see girl Brian getting pregnant tho probably because I can’t see her dating a 14 (15?) year old especially when Murray was their manager he already smacked them in front of fans he would be so much more controlling if he had daughters.

I do think they would all still be seen as revolutionaries in some ways like I do think Brian would still have an unprecedented amount of control over the studio in the beginning and their harmonies would still be considered great but I’m not sure people would find Brian’s falsetto as impressive if he were a girl. Mike Love wouldn’t have to sue for credits on songs because as a man he’d be seen as way more of a driving force than he’s considered today. When Brian cedes a lot of control post 1967 I think there would be a feeling of like “well she had a good run but now it’s time for a man to do a man’s job and actually run things.” I don’t know if there would be as much of a push for the “Brian is back” campaign in this universe because again they’d think it was time for the boys (in this universe Mike, Carl, Al and I guess Bruce) to step up. I also do enjoy the thought of Brian still writing all those car songs considering it’s such a male dominated interest and I do think there would be some sort of talk amongst guy fans of “wow a woman that shares my interests she’s my dream girl.”

There’s a lot of songs in The Beach Boys catalogue that have been rightfully criticized like “I Wanna Pick You Up” or “Hey Little Tomboy” and I dunno if they would be written if Brian was a woman but if they were it would still be criticized but I think there would be a lot of speculation as well or like, was there some form of sexual abuse going on which in girl Brian’s life I unfortunately think probably would have happened.

I also think the implications of Dr. Landy having so much control over Brian in the 70s and 80s being so so so bad like I just frankly think she’d be taken advantage of even more than male Brian. I’m not sure how Melinda saving Brian would play out.

There’s a part of me that thinks Brian would have ended up with Al Jardine (in which case I think things actually would probably have been way better for her because Al doesn’t have a lot of controversies and seems like a pretty stable guy all around). I can imagine the anger on Murray’s part extremely early years if Brian and Al were like high school sweethearts and it seemed like Al was going to provide a stable life going off to be a dentist and then joined back in the band at the last minute. I actually really like the idea of high school sweethearts girl!Brian and Al. Considering they were “America’s band” there’s a lot of PR that could come from that of this perfect couple playing in a wholesome band where they make songs about going to the county fair together, but then Al would probably be given more credit than he actually had (which was admittedly quite minimal). Meanwhile behind the scenes Brian is losing her mind and Al is just not sure what to do with this new “hysterical” version of her. Oh! It would also make a lot of sense for Brian to constantly take Mike and Al’s side later on with decisions about new managers if she was not only scared of Mike but also siding with her husband.

Ooh I hadn't considered girl Dennis! That does kinda make sense though considering from what I understand Dennis was sort of brought into the group as an afterthought for the sake of including him, and as a girl I'm sure she'd be even more of a black sheep. But then on the other hand she'd probably be the most eye-catching of the group as the "surfer babe" archetype, which means I think they wouldn't want to keep her behind the drums lol. And if she and Brian are both girls that could add another layer to the comfort they find in one another as the trainwrecks of their family, while probably also Dennis envying how Brian gets to be more than just the looks and gets at least some respect as a true artist and musician. I don't know if Murry would still be physically abusive to girl Dennis, but I could see it if she's inclined to instigate trouble, and then there'd be the betrayal from Brian and Audree not sticking up for her more.

(No comment on marrying Mike Love's estranged daughter djgdgj it's so insane to me. I could see there being some element of girl Dennis looking like a pervert cougar though)

So I've got a lot of thoughts about girl Brian (and I want to pause for a second to say that you should totally check out the book "Summer Fun" by Jeanne Thornton, which is a speculative alternate history imagining what if the person in Brian Wilson's position had been a closeted trans woman and it explores her journey of discovery coinciding with their version of Smile as she approaches an ambitious project and intends to come out but gets shut down, and it's really moving and earnest. @telephonicsonnyboy turned me on to it and I appreciate that ❤️) and I'm probably gonna put them below a cut right now!

First off, regarding Marilyn. I've decided not to genderflip her and so instead the dynamic between her and Brian is more that Marilyn admires and wants to emulate her musically and Brian latches onto her as a friend because she has trouble relating to other women her age whose lives seem to revolve around their boyfriends or husbands. And maybe Mike gets a bit annoyed at Brian's fascination with girl groups like, "oh yeah why don't you just go be in one then?"

I have thought about her and Al Jardine, and I do definitely believe that the media would make them out to be this sweet forbidden love story, forbidden because her brothers and Murry would've threatened to kick him out of the band if he ever tried to sleep with her. My thought was that she ends up kissing Al just to get it over with and relieved when the sparks aren't there and they can just be friends, but I also like the idea of him being one of her constant on-off flames.

Now I think of Brian as a lesbian who doesn't realize it for a long time because she figures that as long as she's technically capable of being with a guy her attraction to girls doesn't really matter, and I see her eventually entering a romantic relationship with Melinda and coming to terms with herself having that safe harbor. As for her first husband, I imagine him being sort of a Van Dyke Parks type who sees her potential as a groundbreaking songwriter and briefly becomes her collaborator, and she gets pregnant partially on purpose to get out of the stress of touring and have more time to work on her music at home. Of course this backfires when being a mother turns out very physically and emotionally taxing on her, with her husband not doing much to support her because he doesn't see what he's supposed to do.

Also, for sure Mike would be seen as much more of a legitimate collaborator to Brian (and subsequently get in a big dick competition with her husband), but I think also Carl would be a lot more actively creative early on just due to pressure from Murry like, "if your sister can do it why don't you boys ever show some initiative?" So I think Brian wouldn't have been saddled so much with the responsibility of being the Genius of the band, but her being there and playing and writing her own stuff would be significant enough on its own, and I think she'd get a lot of attention from various counterculture and women's lib groups to mixed effect. There'd definitely be criticism of her more traditional expression of womanhood which would put her on the defensive, but overall the recognition would help a lot to boost her ego at least until her mental collapse.

Landy, right. Oof. For the record, I don't want to openly speculate on what he might've done to real Brian (though I will say there's a non-zero chance, considering that when Landy was under investigation he was apparently found to have had a rape allegation with another patient that he'd settled out of court, and in general he gives me the vibe of a controlling gold-digging spouse), but with girl Brian that's especially likely. And then that in turn makes Melinda all the more empathetic and horrified and righteously angry at Brian's fucked up pseudo-marriage with her doctor.

#phew alright! thank you for indulging me #also sorry i skipped over the sheatles but i agree with all of that 👍#sheatles universe #the beatles #the beach boys #brian wilson #long post

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bigtittybitch10 · 3 years

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Fezco & Ashtray - Sister

Requested? YES (Wattpad) - "I had this idea that you could Rues fight with her mom and sister in season 2 but your Fezcos sister and your fighting about the same thing with fez and ash"

Summary: When reader gets caught doing more then just some weed all hell breaks loose between her and her brothers Ashtray and Fezco.

I posted this on my wattpad last night and I was very quickly asked to write a part two or turn into a book. I decided to go with the second option and chapter one is now posted on my Wattpad HERE.

If you love this imagine I would love it if you could check out the story!

Y/N POV

"Y/N get your ass over here right now," I hear my name being yelled while Im scrolling through my phone. I quickly get out of bed and making my way into Fez's room knowing that's where the voice was coming from. When I got in there fez was sitting in his bed and Ash sitting in a chair next to the window.

"What do you need Fezco," I say while rolling my eyes at my older brother.

"Ey! Drop that attitude," my younger brother Ash quickly says once he sees me roll my eyes. I just flip him off not really caring what he has to say.

"Do you wanna explain to me why Im being informed that my sister is doing more than just some weed," Fez says while looking at me. The blood in my body ran cold and if looks could kill Ash would have me drop dead right now.

I can clearly see the disappointment on Fez's face which makes forming a sentence hard.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," I mumble not trusting my voice fully.

"Cut the bull shit Y/N," Ashtray says while letting his voice boom. Even if I was several years older than him I will always be slightly more scared of him than Fez, especially after I saw how he took care of Mouse.

"I saw you hanging with that Elliot kid and the worst I thought was you were sleeping with him, then I noticed he was buying more than normal and assumed it was for Rue, so tell me what you're doing here?" Fez said while holding up his phone for me to see. I quickly noticed the phone was of me doing a line at a party I was at last week. It was one of the only parties I went to that Fez wasn't actively selling at making it easier to do things like that.

"You know how I feel about this shit," Fez says which makes me roll my eyes.

"Nah, Im serious Y/N, drop that fucking attitude," Ashtray says which makes me want to flip him off again but I resist the urge knowing Im already in some deep shit.

"Who even sent that to you," I asked while looking at Fez knowing there was only a handful of people who would actually say something about it.

"It doesn't mat-" Fez starts to say but I quickly cut him off yelling, "No Fez, it does fucking matter because the last thing I need is to have overbearing brothers and fake fucking friends too along with it."

I can visibly see Fez taken back at me raising my voice. I wasn't one to yell, I was always the calm one in the family, solving problems with communication was something I was known for. But it was clear right now was not gonna be a calm conversation.

"Lex-" Fez starts to say but Im quickly cutting him off again.

"OH she's one bold fucking bitch," I yell at Fez.

"Stop cutting me off," Fez yells back getting him my face which makes me back down ever so slightly not used to being yelled at by my older brother.

"Lexi and Elliot," Ash finishes for Fez which makes me look away from mine and Fez's stare off.

"Are you fucking serious?" I quickly return back to my calm demeanor which has Fez and Ash looking at each other trying to figure out my next move.

I quickly run into my room in search of the box that lived under my bed. It had a variation of drugs in it that I was able to steal from the business over time as well as my gun and a few personal pictures from when I was younger.

"Where is my box Fez," I yell out when I notice it isn't in its normal spot. I was met which silence which had me searching through my closet looking for it. I wasn't in the search for the drugs but rather the weapon.

I quickly run back into Fez's room in the search for said box. I look under his bed and in his closet knowing this box couldn't have gone far. At this point, I didn't even care if it was my gun so I was quickly searching for Fez's guns in their normal spots but was again met with absolutely nothing.

"Fez where is my fuckin gun," I said while getting into his face and hitting his chest with each word.

Fez quickly grabbed my hands restraining me from continuing to hit him. When the room fell silent again that's when I heard it, Lexi's voice.

"It's locked up." My arms quickly go limp from shock before Im charging myself into the dining room only to be met with Elliot and Lexi.

I quickly turn around fuming finding my brother quickly making their way out of the room to make sure Lexi and Elliot are both okay.

"Every single person in this fucking house is fake," I yell out while waving my arms in the air aggressively.

"You two make a living off the of the SAME exact drugs I was getting high off of," I say while pointing at my brothers looking both of them in the eye.

"and you two are some bold mother fuckers, especially you," I yell while making my way to stand in front of Elliot.

"It's funny really, the second I found out you SLEPT with FUCKING Jules I didn't go run my mouth to Rue but now all of the sudden you wanna run your mouth, I thought you loved me" I yell in Elliot's face before aggressively pushing him. I wait for a second to see if he'll say anything but Im met with silence making me sarcastically laugh at him.

"You can't even say shit, you know I'm right," I say while walking away from him and making my way to Lexi.

"You... you my dearest Lexi, you're a no good snitch. All of the sudden you get a taste of my brother's fucking dick and now you wanna be a good fucking samaritan," I say while shaking my head.

"Y/N cut it out," Fez yells while shaking his head.

"NO! I won't because this bitch is supposed to be my BEST FUCKING FRIEND but the second she gets the slightest bit of attention she wants to be a good person?! NO she doesn't get to be a good person, I've been actively using hard stuff for the past year and a half and Lexi has known the whole time, she was even there when I almost overdosed, BUT NOW she finally gets the attention she wants she runs her mouth," I say while shaking my head.

"You're a terrible friend. You've always been second best to Cassie and you'll continue to be second best to her. She's prettier, she's funnier, she's a hell of a lot better at keeping her mouth shut, and last but not least I bet she's better at fuckin-" but before I could finish my rant I feel a hand grasp around my mouth halting my voice from talking anymore.

"That's enough you're done," I hear Ashtray say before dragging me back into my room and closing the door behind him before sitting me down on my bed.

"Was that really necessary," Ashtray asks while shaking his head at me.

"Yes, it was. I also meant every fucking word of it," I tell him while looking at him straight in the eye.

"The second I get out of this damn room Im heading to Rue's and telling her everything I know, cause if I'm gonna be friends with snitches I better be one myself," I tell him which makes him shake his head at me.

"Calm the fuck down Y/N," Ash tells me while keeping a calm demeanor. I just huff and lay back into my bed trying to think up my next couple of moves when I remember about my box.

"Ashtray where are my pictures," I ask him while turning my head slightly to look at him.

"I don't know," he whiles me while shrugging.

"What do you mean you don't know," I say while sitting back up and looking at him.

"That box was gone through before I even got involved, I really don't know where they are," Ash says while shaking his head.

"I need those pictures Ashtray," I tell him while standing up and making my way to my door which resulted in Ash grabbing me and keeping me back.

"I won't say shit I need those fucking pictures Ashtray," I tell him while getting out of his grip and making my way back to the kitchen where I find Lexi crying and Fez trying to console her.

"Where are my pictures," I announce myself while looking over at the couple.

"In my bathroom now get out of here," Fez says which makes me absolutely lose my shit.

"What the fuck Fezco, this is my fucking house, if I wanna be in the kitchen Im gonna be in the fucking kitchen," I yell before quickly making my exit out of the house making Elliot quickly follow me.

"Where are you going," Elliot asks while keeping up with my fast pace.

"To Rue's to be a snitch like the rest of my friends," I tell him while speeding up my actions.

"I did this for you," Elliot says which makes me stop my fast pace and turn to look at him.

"FOR ME?!" I yell at him while laughing a little and shaking my head.

"Y/N I almost witnessed you overdose. I refuse to sit back and watch someone I love kill themself," Elliot says which makes me shake my head at him.

"You know you claim to love a lot of people but you're not very good at showing it. You claim you love Rue but you slept with her girlfriend," I continue to bring Jules up knowing my words are cutting deep. I continue walking with Elliot hot on my trail.

"Im sorry okay, I hate fucking seeing you like this. It was Lexi's idea and she wanted some back up not knowing how Fez and you would react," Elliot says which makes me turn to look at him.

"So you decided it should be you?" I question while letting the frustrated tears fall. Which just made Elliot sign and pull me in for a hug. I struggled for a few seconds before giving in and letting the hug happen.

"Im sorry okay, Im so fucking sorry," Elliot says which makes me shake my head.

"I don't wanna hear it, Elliot, I fucking loved you and this is the shit you pull," I tell him while pulling away from the hug and continuing to walk to Rue's house.

#Euphoria #hbo euphoria #fezco #Elliot x reader #Fez's sister #Fez x platonic!reader #Ashtray x Platonic!reader #Ashtray #euphoria imagines #hob euphoria imagines

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normal-thoughts-official · 3 years

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The world keeps spinning (it really shouldn't)

Vance did it. He defeated Josephine, saved his grandpa and Elliot, and saved the town. Everything's fixed.

No. Everything is awful. He failed, and now his friend- now Tom is gone.

And he'd rather fight Josephine all over again, because it'd be easier than what he has to do now- tell Andy about it.

Fandom: It Lives (Visual Novels)

Relationships: Andy Kang/Tom Sato, Danni Asturias/Imogen Wescott, (dannimogen is background and very brief but i couldn't resist), Andy Kang & Ava Cunningham & Lucas Thomas & Lily Ortiz

Additional Tags: tom dies and everything is awful, Angst, Grief/Mourning, Friendship, for basic context im going with the version of ILITW that i got, which is that everyone survived and noah took jane's place, and then for ILB i did the version where tom dies obviously, (which is not the version i got), (everyone survived), (i feel the need to say this for my own ego), but anyway i was like what if tho. andy would be devastated, and then... this happened?, only difference from canon is that ILITW MC told everyone about noah a lot before, also like. imma be real with yall, im physically uncapable of giving my MCs serious names, so ILB MC was named That Bitch and i didnt want to give him a real name, cuz it felt like betrayal, so im just calling him vance for this one, is it his nickname? is he called vance vance? dont worry about it, Anyway that's it, Pining, you know. before the death part. it's mentioned, also we're ignoring the whole richard tries to murder MC thing, cuz i dont have time for that, so pretend ILB ended on chapter 17, Hopeful Ending, considering the theme i mean

Read it on Ao3

The city of Westchester looks exactly the same, but somehow feels a lot less wholesome, now. Vance walks in it and feels like a corpse among the living, like a ghost screaming to everyone that something's wrong. And being ignored.

It shouldn't look the same, without Tom.

But no one knows, yet.

He swallows, running a hand behind the nape of his neck. That's why he's here, anyway - they should know, they deserve to know, and he doesn't want to have the funeral without Tom's friends there.

Which is why he's going to tell Andy. Himself, in person. Because he might not know him very well, but he wants to do the right thing, and that's the least Andy deserves. He knows there's no one Tom loved like he did Andy, and from what he's seen of them together, the feeling was mutual.

He has to do this. But he feels sick, just thinking about that bond, and how it was ruined.

How could he let this happen to them?

He was so cocky, so stupid, so reckless... He thought everything would turn out okay. Assumed it would, even, because it kept getting him through it, to think that everything would turn out fine.

God. What a joke.

He walks into the little diner Andy had recommended. I'm sure you've heard of that place, Tom loves it, he had texted. We always went there to celebrate our wins back in high school. His stomach had churned, but he didn't say anything, because he wasn't going to tell Andy via text. He has to do this right. It's the least he owes him.

So he pretended that everything was fine, and agreed to meet him there. Woke up, and dragged himself to the place, trying to muster up the courage to face the world that seemed to not even care about his mistakes.

When he gets to the diner's door, he takes a deep breath, trying to ground himself for what he's about to do. Face his own mistakes. Face the pain he caused when he failed them both.

He walks in, and to his relief, and despair, Andy is already there. He smiles brightly when he sees Vance, and Vance wants to disappear.

"Vance! Nice to see you, dude. I heard about what went down in Pine Springs, glad you're okay," he says, not giving time for Vance to answer before continuing, this weird sense of calm and sympathy about him. "So, I assume you still need help with that ghost? From what I've seen in the news, it seemed like you handled it pretty well, but it's not like they are giving us supernatural updates or anything, so I figured there were still some loose ends to tie. Are the other guys coming? Where's Tom?" he looks over behind Vance, and Vance wants to die at the question. God, how is he going to tell him? He didn't really think about that, beyond the part where he has to. "I kind of thought you'd come together again. Bad move to come separated, Tom is always late to everything, I swear if it weren't for me he'd have been kicked out of the team for missing practice too many times. And I'm not the most punctual guy in the world, mind you, but I still had to drag his ass there so he'd be on time- is everything okay?"

Vance is a little shocked by the question. It's not, but what is he supposed to answer? "Andy," he says, a little careful, "things… went a little wrong, back there."

"Oh, shoot," he says, "I'm sorry, man, I kinda assumed, when I heard about how the flooding and the animal attacks were in full swing and then just stopped suddenly, that that was when you got rid of the ghost, you know? And seeing you all in one piece… I thought it was over already. Do you need help? I can round up the guys, and we can go-"

"No, Andy," Vance says, "the ghost is gone."

Andy looks at him, confused. "Then what's the problem?"

"Tom," he says, then winces when he sees all the color drain from Andy's face.

Andy waits for barely a second, then breaks into anxious questioning. "Tom? Why? What do you mean? Is he hurt? How bad is it? Did he have to go to the hospital? Where is he?"

Vance wants to cry. God. God. He can't do this. "Andy..."

Andy just looks at him, eyes wild, terrified, and it hasn't even hit him yet. "Vance. Vance. Please. What happened? Does Tom need me? Because if so, we need to go-"

"Tom's gone," he says, and it leaves him in a rush, a whisper, taking with it the last of his energy. He's empty, and somehow, it's still awful. "He's… he's dead, Andy."

Andy looks at him, eyes wide, unfocused, lost. "This isn't funny," he says. "If Tom put you up to this, knock it off right now. Tell him not to ever joke about-"

"Andy," Vance says, then swallows. "Tom wouldn't joke about that. You know that."

"No, he wouldn't, but..." His eyes begin to water, panic settling in, gaze darting across the room as if searching for him, "But… No. No. No, knock it off."

Vance starts crying before Andy does. "I'm sorry, Andy."

--------

Andy is in shock. He freezes in place, mouth hanging open, everything about him completely still except for his eyes, still so damn wide, still searching the place, searching Vance, begging for something, anything. Vance sits him back down on the table, gently, and Andy lets himself be handled back, eyes still not settling on him.

"I'm sorry," Vance says. "I… I promised you that I would take care of him. I tried, but… I'm so sorry."

"How?" he asks, "how could this happen? This isn't… After Redfield, when everyone survived, I just… I didn't think any of us could lose to another monster, I..." He shakes his head, vigorously, desperately. "This was supposed to be over. We were done, we were free, it was supposed to be over, we were all supposed to be safe, it shouldn't..."

"I'm sorry. It all happened so fast, I… If I had been faster, maybe..."

"Well, it's a bit late for that now," Andy snaps, and Vance bites his lip, not recoiling, because he deserves it. Then Andy stops, as if realizing what he had said, and for a second, his eyes seem clear again. He shakes his head. "No. I'm sorry. I… If there's anything I've learnt from everything that happened, it's that we can't point fingers when things get hard." He finally looks up at Vance, shaking, eerily still, nothing like the guy he was just seconds ago. He's wrecked, Vance thinks, and he wants to tear at himself in guilt. "What happened? Did he- did he drown, or… Did the ghost..."

"We were fighting monsters," Vance explains. "There were just… So many of them, and it all happened so fast, I..." he looks away, not daring to look back at the memory, not daring to remember the awful scene. As if he has to. Everytime he closes his eyes, it's back, punishing him. "We got his body," he explains. "Pine Springs is taking the victims to mass graves, but we wanted to give him a proper burial. I thought… You'd want to come."

Andy seems surprised, like that hadn't crossed his mind. "You haven't buried him yet?"

Vance bites his lip. "No. We're doing it tonight. We didn't have the time before, and… Well, I thought you'd want to be there. And I think he'd have wanted his body to be in Westchester, so..." He trails off.

Andy looks at him, hesitant. He bites his lip, looks away, then back at him. "Can I see the body?"

Vance does recoil, this time. He wasn't expecting this question. "I… You won't want to."

"What do you mean, I won't want to? I need to say goodbye to him, I-"

"Andy," he says, as gently as possible, because he deserves Andy's anger, all of it, but he won't let him do that to himself. "You won't want to remember him like that. His body…" He looks at Andy's eyes. He's still furious, livid, shaking, and he's lost, and Vance realizes that he doesn't get it, doesn't understand what Vance is saying, and this might be even worse than having to tell him Tom is dead. "It's torn to pieces, Andy. There's not much for you to see."

Andy freezes, for the second time that day. "Was he- oh, god," he looks at his own shaky hands, somehow even more in shock than before. "Was it… At least, was it quick?"

Vance starts crying again. He opens his mouth to answer. He can't. He chokes on the words, on his guilt, on his uselessness. "I'm so sorry, Andy."

------

Andy throws up. Once, twice. He doesn't insist on looking at the body. Obviously, he can't. Just imagining it- it's too much.

He tries to comfort Vance, because he- he's trying to do better, with his anger, with his impulsiveness, but all he can think about is how much he wants to destroy something, and honestly, the whole conversation is a blur. He punches the wall instead, once he gets home. And throws up. Again and again. Sends his friends a message, letting them know about the funeral. Cries. Punches the wall again. And again, and again, hoping that his hands will start to bleed, that he'll tear himself apart. His mom asks what's got him so angry, and he yells, "Tom is dead!". Her face twists in shock, and he can't look at it. He runs away.

Being back outside is almost worse. Everything- it should be in shambles. The whole town, the whole world should be on fire, fizzling, filled with screams and despair, like Andy is. He's never lived in a world without Tom before, never been away from him his whole life, and it shouldn't look like it's just the same. Everything should be gone, destroyed. And it is, but it doesn't look that way, and Andy wants to tear it all apart until it makes sense, at least.

He hates Westchester now. He hates it. God damn the stupid woods, and the stupid cult, and the fucking Power! God damn Andy for telling Tom about it, for letting him become this sort of- monster hunter, for believing that just because they overcame a ghost once, it would keep happening if they pushed their luck.

This wasn't supposed to happen.

Tom can't be dead. It's impossible.

How can Andy still be standing, if Tom isn't here?

---------

He wanders like that the rest of the day, not noticing the hunger that builds up after going a whole day without eating, not noticing the passersby looking at him worriedly, not noticing the thousands of missed calls from his mom, not noticing anything but this awful despair. He knows the feeling of wanting to claw his chest off intimately well, but it's never been like that before. He wants to carve himself hollow. He wants to scream. He wants to run. And he runs from the all-encompassing nothingness, even though he has nowhere to go.

He goes from angry to empty, and then back to angry, all day long, and the day passes in a blur.

--------

Andy meets up with Vance and two girls from their crew. Their group was pretty small, he realizes. A lot smaller than Andy's was, all those years ago. Three years ago. Forever ago. Another lifetime. Just yesterday.

The cemetery is empty, but there's a grave with a black casket they're standing next to. "I thought all the cemetery crew was helping Pine Springs," he says, like he cares. Honestly, he hadn't thought about the logistics of this at all.

"They are," Vance confirms, serious. "You, uh… You know about Noah, right…?"

Andy nods. "Yeah, we, uh, reintroduced ourselves to him a little after you guys left." It was weird, to say the least. All that anger, all that betrayal, bubbling up again right when they had all started to move on from what had happened, to think that it was over… The urge to scream at him, demand answers… And then seeing all the hurt, and the confusion, and remembering that they had loved Noah, once, most of their lives, and that at the end of the day, the only one who had suffered from his actions was himself.

It wasn't easy to forgive. Not to Andy. Or Stacy. Or Ava. But they had been working on it. Maybe they couldn't forgive, much less forget, but at the same time, they couldn't get rid of that bond, either.

Still… "What does this have to do with… With Tom?" If Noah had anything to do with his death, Andy would kill him all over again. He doesn't care about his freaky powers, he'll die if he has to, but Noah will pay.

"He, uh, helped. Dig the grave and, uh, get a casket. That's how we got everything ready."

Oh. "I… I see," he says. "Is he here?"

"No. I told him you guys were coming, and he said it was better if he left."

"Oh," Andy answers. "I guess that's… Yeah. Still..." he raises his voice a little bit, in the direction of the woods. "Thank you, Noah."

He doesn't see or hear anything, not really, but still, somehow, he can tell that Noah is pleased. He can picture Noah's smile and that fragile little "friendsss..."

He sighs, suddenly exhausted.

Vance seems to notice, god bless his soul. "Are the others coming?", he asks, gently.

"Lily, Lucas, and Ava are," Andy replies. "The rest were out of town, and they… They won't make it."

"I'm sorry."

Andy kicks a pebble. "It's fine," he says. It's the kind of lie that's so absurd that it becomes true. Nothing is fine. It'll never be fine. So it doesn't matter at all, and it ends up being fine.

Vance seems to realize what's going through his head, somehow, because he looks unsure of what to say. Finally, he settles on, "uh, Andy. These are Danni, and Imogen," he says, gesturing to each of them, and Andy musters up enough energy to look at their faces while he does that, at least. Then, his eyes widen for a second, finally taking in what they look like.

"Wait, you're Imogen Wescott?" he says, a little dumbfounded. "When I heard that name, I kinda expected you to be, you know..."

"White and insufferable?" Imogen asks, a little smile directed at him, so gentle he can barely handle it. "Yeah. That's why I'd rather go by Genny, usually."

Danni frowns at her, slightly troubled. "You never told me that."

Imogen's smile turns a little brighter. "Oh, no, not for you, Danni. For you, I'd rather go by 'babe'".

Danni also smiles at her, and they squeeze each other's hands, and the edges of grief seem to turn just a little softer for them both. Andy can tell that things get just a little easier for them, just a little less grim, because they have each other. And he needs to look away, wants to run, because he and Tom… They could've… In a way, they were...

He feels like he's ready to run again. God, he fucked up so bad. What was he supposed to do now, how could he get better when the one thing in the world that always made him feel better was Tom? He lost him, he's gone, it's over, and somehow it hadn't hit quite the way it did at that moment, looking at that connection, that love that showed through grief. He averts his eyes, feeling wild and cornered, and turns back right in time to almost run into Lily - who looks devastated, and reaches out to touch his arm. Which feels crazy, because Andy is raw, and his whole body is bleeding, and rotting away, and who would touch him-

"I'm so sorry, Andy." She says, and Andy finds himself hugging her tight, and he feels like she should wither, die at his touch, suffocate, but she just hugs him back and pats him and Andy cries on her shoulder, and he's never cried in front of her before, much less like this. But he can't stop, he can't do anything, he's so heavy and dizzy and lost-

And Lily is stronger than they give her credit for, because she holds him, this endless weight that is him, even when he shakes and stains her sweater with tears, like it's nothing. She feels so solid, right then, the only solid thing in the world. She's got him, Andy knows, and it's like finally he ran into something he can take shelter in. He takes a deep breath, then another, and holds on for dear life.

"I'm sorry," is the first thing he says, maybe the only thing he knows how to say right now. Maybe this is how Jane felt, in the end - this endless spectre of regret, bigger than everything, than everyone, encompassing her and drowning her until it ate her whole and left her empty, with only the Power and its evil inside her.

He's so tired, but he's not empty, not yet.

He almost wants to be.

"Don't apologize," Lily says, so sad and sympathetic, and it takes Andy a moment to realize what she's even talking about. "I'm really sorry, I..."

It's only then that Andy's eyes focus enough to see Ava and Lucas standing a little after her, their faces twisted with sadness and bodies frozen in place. At times like this, it really is obvious that Lily is the bravest out of all of them, by far. Andy doesn't think he's ever cried in front of any of them, and Lucas and Ava look- completely lost.

Lucas is the first to talk, out of them both. His voice is very soft. "Andy, if there's anything you need..."

Ava interrupts, words leaving her way too fast. "We'll be staying with you tonight." She blinks for a second, frowning at Lucas. "Sorry, I, uh, hadn't realized you were talking." She looks like she just came out of a daze. She probably had been running that in her head for a while. Lucas puts his hand on her shoulder, and Ava runs a head on her neck, embarrassed.

"It's okay," Andy answers, even though her apology wasn't directed at him. "You don't have to, you know, watch over me or..." He trails off.

"We're not leaving you alone," Ava says, resolute. "You know the others couldn't come, but we all agreed that we should be… You know..."

Andy chokes on something he can't quite feel. He looks down at his feet, and he hasn't felt this small in years. "I… Okay."

Ava reaches out to him, hesitant, and gives him a little pat on the shoulder. Lucas starts rubbing his back soothingly, and, very awkwardly, they gravitate into a group hug. Andy can see the nervousness in Ava's eyes, the worry that she's doing this wrong somehow, like a hug is the most complex thing in the world, and he tries to muster up a little smile of encouragement to her, but he's forgotten how to do that. He doesn't know how to do anything, anymore.

Slowly, they separate, and all three of them still keep some sort of touch with Andy - even Ava, with her hand close to his shoulder - like they're trying to anchor him, but he drifts away anyway, lost in whatever it is that's left of himself.

Vance looks down at him for a moment, as if waiting for a signal, but Andy doesn't know for what, so he waits for Vance to figure it out. Finally, he says, "should we start?"

Andy frowns. "Wasn't there some other guy with you? Pork something?"

Vance, Imogen, and Danni all look at each other, uncertain, surprised, for a moment. It's Imogen who speaks up. "He… He left us."

Ava swallows. "Did he also..."

"No," she says, shaking her head, sadly. "He, uh, deserted the group."

"He what?" Someone asks, shocked, almost outraged, and when Andy sees the looks in everyone's faces, he realizes that it was him.

"He couldn't take it," Vance says, face twisted with sadness. "All the fighting, the monsters… He left."

Andy is shaking. Falling apart. About to explode. "When?"

Vance doesn't look at him. "Right before the final battle."

"He abandoned you when you were going up against the evil ghost?"

"He..." Vance begins, then finds that he has nothing else to say. "Yeah."

"How…" Andy begins, lost for words, and then it happens. He explodes. "How dare he!" He screams. "Tom was counting on him, he trusted him, he needed him, and he just left? He should have been there! He should have been there, he should," Andy looks at his own hands, in shock, watching them tremble and go out of focus, like there are tears blocking his vision, and he feels sick, on the verge of death, and he realizes that he's not talking about that guy at all. "He should have been there!" He slips from his own control, falling to his knees, covering his face, feeling shame, shame, shame, hatred, disgust. "He should… I should… Oh God, I just let him go alone..."

"Andy..." Someone says. Maybe Lucas. Maybe Lily. Maybe the Imogen girl. It sounds so sympathetic. He wants to claw at his own skin and hide.

"I should have been there, I shouldn't… I had experience, what was I thinking..."

"Tom didn't want you to go," someone else says, gently. "I was there when you talked, remember? You didn't abandon him. You said you were going to come, and he told you not to."

"Tom.. Tom is not my damn boss," Andy answers, still covering his face, feeling the tears stop spilling and start to drown him from the inside, and god damn T, the least Tom deserves is for him to be able to cry properly- "I-I should have… gone," he chokes, shaking.

The next one who speaks is Ava. "He wouldn't have wanted you to be at risk, Andy."

"I don't care. I don't care. I'm selfish like that, I'd rather it was me. I could have helped him, I could have saved him, even if I had to- to take his place..."

"Andy..." is all Ava says, sounding shaken, devastated.

"Fuck!" He screams, punching the ground beneath him as if trying to punish the earth for taking Tom. "He would have never left me like that, I could always count on Tom, I could always..." he feels his chest constrict, or maybe burst, with all the tears and horror inside of him, like he's cracking from the inside. "Always..." he can't form the words, can't find the air, and he falls in on himself, more, more, more, closing in, suffocating, "always..." he can't breathe. He can't breathe. He tries to draw it in, to keep himself steady, but every time he tries to bring it in, the air escapes from him again, further, abandoning him, and he wheezes, again, again, closing in further, suffocating, oh God, he's going to die…

"It's a panic attack!" Someone screams, then kneels beside him, putting their hands on his shoulders. "Andy. Andy. Focus on me. You need to breathe. Deep lungfuls. Come on. I'll count to four. Keep breathing in. 1… 2..."

"Can't," he wheezes. It's too strong, like there's something… Something constricting his chest, inside and outside, and then he realizes… "Binder." He sits down straighter, no longer closing in on himself, and that awful vulnerability gets even worse, but it's easier to breathe. He follows the person's counts… 1, 2, 3, 4… Then up to five, then to six, then to seven, then eight… Until finally he doesn't need help, and he opens his eyes and contemplates the absolute mess that he is, and Imogen's kind, relieved face just inches from him.

"Good, Andy, you did well… I have these sometimes, too, I know how scary they are, you were so brave..." Imogen keeps on saying, painfully understanding, and he nods, a bit exhausted to explain. He didn't take his binder off all day, didn't remember… And if he wears it for too long, he's more prone to hyperventilating, especially if he's stressed. Tom knew that. Tom would have known what was going on. Tom… Fuck.

"I'm sorry," he says, to everyone, and no one in particular.

"Don't apologize. We're all glad you're okay," Lily says, and he realizes that, somehow, she had also kneeled beside him and brought him into another hug. He hides his face on her shoulder, shaking his head, trying to breathe. Breathing. She pets his head, a little bit, and he can feel some more touch, too - little pats on his shoulder and back, all gentle, not crowding him, like he's some sort of wild animal they're trying to calm down.

God, what a mess.

He holds Lily tighter, wanting to hide from the world. She lets him, because it's the kind of person Lily is. He feels himself drift away, for a while, but Lily's still petting his head and he can't lose himself completely. He shakes his head, wanting to fight it, almost wanting to get away from Lily, but he can't escape the gentleness in her embrace. He still can't cry, but he feels his eyes water and burn anyway, and he shakes his head against Lily's shoulder. He just wants this to be over. Please, he's so exhausted.

His breaths even, despite himself, but Andy keeps shaking, and he keeps shaking his head slightly against Lily. He wants this to end, it has- has to be a nightmare…

"Shh, Andy, don't hold it in, it's okay," Lily says, slowly, sadly, and Andy shakes his head more vigorously. No. He can't be weak right now, it's only going to make it last longer. He needs to end it, can't be done with this until Tom has gotten his goodbyes.

It's the least Andy owes him, now that there's nothing else he can do.

So, he speaks up.

"We should go on," he says, suddenly feeling resolute. It's easier to do this if he has something to focus on. He needs to see this through the end, for Tom. If he thinks only about that...

"Are you sure?" Vance asks, hesitant.

Andy nods, forcing his vision to focus. "He needs to rest."

----------

Everyone's speeches go by in a blur. Vance talks about how good Tom's heart was, how he was willing to drop everything to go help a bunch of strangers, how everyone could always count on him. He cries, and he says he's sorry, and the girls put their arms around him, tell him that he did his best. Imogen brings up how kind he was, and Danni talks about his strength. They really loved him, Andy notices, and feels his heart settle just a little bit. He was loved till the end. Of course he was.

Lucas talks about how supportive Tom was, how he was always uplifting everyone around him and would let Lucas babble on about conservation for hours. Lily brings up how much he believed in her and supported her when she was making her videogames. Ava says that Tom was the only one who ever saw her looking up Westchester's history and cults and just… Sat down with her and helped, understanding that she needed this to feel safe, to feel ready, and sharing that burden of getting ready for a disgrace, just a little bit. Andy never knew that Tom had been joining Ava for research. He could've helped with that, too. He could have done a lot of things, if he had paid more attention.

He's left for last, and a part of him wants to be a coward, to stay silent, but that was never his style.

"When Tom had turned into a zombie," he begins, "Redfi- Jane made him hurt me. And I wasn't worried for myself. I was worried for him. I wanted him back, no matter what it took, no matter what happened to me," he begins, not looking at anyone in particular, because he knows most of them already know this story, but he's not going to- he's not going to deny Tom the chance to know how he felt about him, before he rests. It's the least Andy owes him.

So, he takes a deep breath and goes on, pushing himself into saying something that matters.

"Then our friends showed up, and they said that Tom was still there. That I had to reach out to him. So I tried. I talked to him about our childhood. About how much he had been supporting me… How he was my best friend. He was hesitant, but so… Scared. I didn't know what to do. Tom and I always got each other..." He loses himself a little, shaking his head, purging the thoughts that were keeping him from going on, "And then someone said, 'Andy's hurt. H-he needs help'." He loses focus for a second, and that can't happen. He takes a breath, tries to make himself talk. "And just like that… Tom came back.

"He extended his hand to me, and helped me to my feet, and suddenly there was color in his face again, and for a second he wasn't even confused as to what the hell was going on, he just wanted to make sure I was okay. He came back because I needed him. Because he couldn't bear to hurt me. He was always there for me, and I… I don't think I ever needed him more than right now."

He stops a minute, to look at the faces surrounding him. There's a grief in them that looks almost like… Pity.

And Andy isn't even mad about it. He feels pitiful.

"I'm not the best guy with words," he admits, "so I don't know how to express how much this meant to me, or how much Tom meant to me. No one understood me like him. Tom is… Was… No, is a part of me. Maybe the best part of me, because I loved him more than anything else about myself. I'll miss him for the rest of my life." He looks down at Tom's grave, carved out of anything else to say. "I love you, buddy."

It's not the greatest speech that's ever been given, but it's what he can say, and at least he's done it. He'll be able to do better, later. He'll come back to talk to him again. As many times as he can, for as long as he can. He swears on that.

Andy steps back from the grave, and doesn't look as they slowly fill it, covering the closed casket with dirt. He finally allows himself to let the exhaustion catch up with him, and is overcome by that blissful, blissful emptiness.

---------

He's fully expecting himself to drop asleep as soon as they get to Ava's place. They decided to stay there for the night, because Andy still doesn't want to face his mom, to see that same grief in her, for her to want to talk to him, to tell him that everything would be fine. He can't do that, not today. At least Lucas had enough foresight to warn her of where they are, so she should leave him alone for now. Lucas is very reliable in a crisis, Andy thinks, making a note to himself to thank him properly later.

But he can't sleep. He's too exhausted to even rest. And for some reason, even though he doesn't want to talk, that's exactly what he found himself doing for the past few hours. Vomiting up all sorts of memories and thoughts, ranging from funny moments he had with Tom to all of his regrets, and Andy's always been kind of a stress-talker, but it's never been like this. He feels like he's been skinned alive; there's nothing to hold himself together, to hold anything at all in.

He cries all the tears he didn't think he had left in him anymore, and he curses himself, and the guy who left them in the end, and Noah, and the Power, and the cult, and himself again. He scratches his own skin until Lucas gently takes his hands in his, stopping him from doing more of it. And he talks, through all of that. Talks and talks and talks.

The words make him drift through memories, through states of mind, and he knows he's so damn volatile today, it's like he can't anchor himself to a feeling, but his friends put up with him anyway.

Finally, he starts to settle into this sort of… Slowness, like his mind is clear, or maybe blank, even as he keeps on thinking. And he keeps talking through it, letting all the minor regrets have their turn after he's too damn done to keep dealing with the worst parts.

"I never told him I was in love with him," Andy says, staring at the three empty mattresses in front of him, because it's easier than looking at any of his friends, who are currently sitting right beside him, as he babbles on. "I was going to, you know? After R- Jane. I had almost died, so I figured, you know- yolo, and all that. And then I told myself, 'I'll wait until I'm out of the hospital.' And then I started to think… What if he didn't feel the same way? What if things got weird? What if I end up losing him? And I never told him," he looks at his own feet, "and now I lost him anyway."

They all just look at him. They used up all the "I'm sorry, Andy"s left in them a long time ago, he thinks. There's only so many platitudes you can muster up when you know they're worthless, when you're just repeating yourself.

God bless them for trying, though. They're sticking with him through their own- everyone's inadequacy to deal with what's going on. Andy can't thank them enough for that.

"He knew you loved him," Ava says, serious, and Andy frowns at her, doubtful. "He might not have known you were in love with him, but… He knew how much he meant to you. I'm sure of it."

Andy laughs, humorless, "did you finally get those mind reading powers you wanted?" he says. It falls flat, but they pretend it doesn't, for his sake.

Ava rolls her eyes. "Don't be an ass, Kang," she says. "No. I just… I can tell. Anyone can."

Andy bites his lip, looking away.

She presses on, as gently as she can. "Besides, you also know, don't you? Regardless of anything else… Tom loved you, just as much as you loved him."

"I still love him," Andy says, before he can think about it, and a weird kind of shame creeps up on him - for saying it, for not saying it sooner, for realizing that this… It'll probably never go away, even now that it's completely pointless, that it's just proof of his cowardice.

"That's… Normal," Lily says, fiddling a little with her sweater. "You don't forget someone just like that, just because something happened. I mean, look at me and Britney. It took me years to get over her, and even then, I had to have supernatural forces show me exactly who she was, first."

"She didn't deserve you," Ava says.

"Maybe not. It doesn't matter now," Lily says. "The point is… It's okay to still love him."

Andy hugs his knees. "I don't think anything is okay, right now."

"That's okay, too."

They stay in silence for a moment, and then Lucas speaks up. "I know 'it gets better' stories don't really help at times like these," he says, "so I won't tell you that, but… I know what it's like, to feel like nothing will ever be okay, ever be enough. So… At least you're not alone, in that feeling."

Andy's mouth does something. It's not a smile, but it's what it can do right now. "Yeah. At least it's not like last time," he says. "With Jane. We all fell apart, and… It felt really lonely, even though..." He chokes up. "I had Tom."

Lucas rubs at Andy's shoulder sadly, and Andy shakes his head.

"It's just that he didn't get it, you know? And I couldn't tell him, about what happened," he says, instead of thinking about how much worse this is, no matter how many friends he has by his side right now. "So I… Missed you guys." He finishes, ashamed.

"We get it," Ava says, solemn. "And we're sticking with you, this time around."

"Yeah," Lucas agrees.

"Yeah," Lily adds.

"Okay," Andy answers. "I… Thanks."

They hug him tighter. It's all they have to say.

#it lives #andy kang #tom sato #andy x tom #tom x andy #it lives beneath #ilb #it lives in the woods #ilitw #ilb mc #i feel like ive been editing this fic my entire life #also apparently i write deathfic now. thats uh. something #anne ways. have this

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poptod · 4 years

Text

October 1st (Elliot Alderson x Reader)

Description: He waits until the last moment and it’s too late.

Notes: i wrote a love letter to my friend but im never gonna send it so im profiting off my misery. gender neutral as usual

Word Count: 1.9k

Sad, sick people have a tendency of gravitating towards each other, whether or not they're aware of the illness of the other person. You know this quite well – in your rather sick childhood, where your mind was plagued with thoughts of self hatred, most of the friends you made were just about as sad as you. Looking back, it is a rather horrifying thought considering you were only twelve and so ready to die. Your mother said you were exaggerating, and that makes sense. Things were dramatized back then. But there's a flicker of truth in there, a small part within the soul that truly believed they should be dead. There's no sicker thought than that.

This trait, that part of yourself, carried through into adulthood. Unfortunate, really – that means it isn't just teenage drama, it isn't just your peers or your family. It's you. You look at yourself in the mirror and realize with tired, drooping eyes that it was always you. There's a quote – something along the lines of, "some people grow sad very young, and I know this, for I am one."

Elliot is sort of like that, too. Well, the two of you get on fine – in both life and within your friendship – and you don't really need to talk about it. You're both well aware of the others' problems, but it doesn't need to be mentioned. All you do is sit in cafe's together so neither of you are approached by creepy people and smoke together at his apartment. It doesn't need to be more than that.

Despite that barrier in your head, he's still your best friend. Maybe because he's one of your only friends, the other being an internet friend who you visit every now and then. Oh well. You lead a pretty sedentary lifestyle – you don't need a lot of friends. Just one to hang around.

Still, he does get around sometimes. He gets up out of nowhere, you ask where he's off to, and he says out. Most of the time he doesn't let you come, but this time he has and he's just wandering around. Looking at people and rationalizing their presence, watching the birds on benches, staring at shopfronts. For a moment you think to ask why he'd take such excursions in such cold weather, but with a glance to his peaced out face you know he doesn't have an answer.

You suppose that's just fine – there's something about fall that has you enjoying time outdoors. The piles of golden and red leaves pushed up against the sides of the streets, the coffee signs in front of every cafe, each with their own drawings of steaming coffee, and of course the scents in the air. It's not a particularly nice part of the city, but it has a fair share of restaurants and most smell of apple cider and cinnamon. The taste of pumpkin is also there; probably because you're sitting next to a Starbucks.

People pass by you donned in fuzzy jackets and long scarves. You look a bit like them; you're not a fan of the cold, so you have mittens, a hat, boots, and a scarf. Elliot on the other hand is much the same, as usual, and you don't expect him to ever stray from that routine. You like his routine. It's familiar.

"I'm leaving soon," you finally blurt out, a topic barely in your conscious mind but ravaging your subconscious. It's both good and bad news, considering the trip is for getting a doctorate, but it's clear he doesn't feel the same way. His eyes widen and he looks to you almost incredulously.

"Where?" He asks.

"Berlin. They've got this program for foreign students. I'll finally be able to get my doctorate in linguistics," you say, nodding to yourself. "I, um... I don't know if I'll be back."

"Why not?" He asks in a softer, rougher voice.

"It's an expensive move, you know? And there aren't that many jobs for linguists here.. at least, there's more in Europe," you half mumble, staring at your fidgeting fingers.

He gets up and leaves. Without another word except an astounded stare out into space, he stands and leaves you on the bench. You almost go after him, but he's got that look about him, and you know he's a little lost in thought. It'll be fine – you won't leave for a little while (not until October, actually), which gives you some real time with Elliot, if that's what he wants. As hard as it is for people to read him, you have a knack for it. That's probably why he spends any time at all with you.

You're going to miss him quite a lot. Lying in bed, staring blankly at the ceiling in your sleep clothes, the clock well past midnight, you wonder if he'll miss you too. He hasn't talked to you since you told him, which you did a good week or so ago now. Guilt settles deep in your chest – he's a man of routine and you're seriously breaking it. Fortunately, it's not really your problem. You have your own life and it doesn't revolve around what makes him comfortable.

You still feel bad about it, though.

About two weeks before you're set to leave he finally texts you, telling you to come visit him, and though he doesn't say it you know he means one last time. You get it right before you're about to get in the bath, and instantly you reach for the drain, unplugging it to let it drain while you redress yourself. Something nice – not your sweatpants, no matter how warm they are in the late September chill.

Outside rain falls in great sheets, battering down on the already dead leaves and the many, many busy people. Most everyone you pass by is dressed in black – black coats, black pants, black umbrellas. It's like they're mourning a death, though the only death you can think of is that of summer. You don't have an umbrella in your bag, but there's enough people on the streets with umbrellas and enough overhangs that you manage to stay mostly-dry, till the crowd thins out around Elliot's apartment and you get drenched. Droplets of water run down your fully-soaked hair, falling cold on your eyelashes and turning your nose a blushing pink.

Excitement pounds through your heart at the prospect of seeing your friend again. People at your workplace are nice, but no one is quite as intricate or interesting like he is. Every person is special, as are you, but you find yourself looking for the same traits in all your friends. A sort of quiet person with far too much beneath the surface. That's the only way you know how to describe what exactly Elliot is – well, he's kind. Soft-spoken, usually. Lost in his thoughts. Distant. Compassionate, and surprisingly, warm. You don't hug him much but he's warm, and for some reason you never expect it.

He lights the joint, taking a few puffs to ensure it's working before handing it to you, leaning over the small couch so you can reach. Smoke clouds itself in your lungs, forming pockets of dry, happy thoughts in your head. It all comes out with your exhale, like the freeze of hot breath in winter and the fog of dry ice.

"I love you," you say. Blurting is becoming a bad habit for you, but that's okay. You won't see him for a long time, and you need to get it out, no matter how surprised Elliot looks. He always looks a little surprised. "You know that, right?"

He laughs – he actually laughs. A smile spreads across his usually dull cheeks, and a blush crosses him, pink around his grin and pronounced in his ears and the tip of his rounded nose. You can't help it so you smile with him, absorbing the entirety of his fluster. He's always so closed off. Maybe you help him out of that hole, but it's mostly wishful thinking that drives your thought process towards that.

A cloud of smoke releases itself from Elliot's mouth. He doesn't say anything in relation to your announcement, but you don't particularly expect him to. He's a little odd when it comes to affection. You don't mind it in the least, too caught up in memorizing his little movements and his breathy sighs to bother with the tough things.

So that's it. You spend one more afternoon-into-evening with him, and you don't see him again, not at the airport, not over text or Skype. There was a chance of that – you knew that, but it still disappoints and saddens you to watch the ground disappear, the last memory of your Elliot from several days ago. It feels as though it's already fading despite the fact that you remember every detail of your time with him. How could you forget?

Fidgeting with your bag on the plane, you close your eyes and wonder what things will be like when you get back, if you ever do. Your bag is a little like his jacket – a comfort, with fringes that are easy to fidget with, as much as it might annoy the person sitting next to you. Anxiously you dig your hand into your bag, looking for your anxiety meds, only for your fingers to brush against paper.

You don't have paper in your bag.

Pinching it between your fingers, you pull the paper out, revealing an envelope with your name on it. With shaking hands you tear open the glue, unfolding a note scrawled onto leaf paper. There aren't any lines for guiding, but the words are perfectly spaced.

(Y/N),

I'm not sure if I'll ever send this to you. Maybe not – everything is so unsure right now. My constants in this hectic state of the world are few and most are not good. My job, my scars, my anxiety, they never go away but neither do you. It may seem inconsequential to you – you're likable and you have other friends, but I don't. Not really. I have you, though, and it often feels like that's enough.

I always wanted a forever person; someone there throughout all life for better or worse. A bit like tonight – it ended with a bar fight, but somehow I enjoyed it. I looked to you and you were grinning and bashing a guy's head in, and somehow that made me smile. It's always better with you. I don't talk about that enough.

You're the good in the world. I find it hard to believe, much less articulate, how good you are. How kind. Understanding. Creative, open, pure in the best way. You make me want to become a better person, and isn't that what humans strive for? A connection with someone who makes you believe the world is capable of good, someone that makes you believe you'll be alright – so long as you stick by their side.

I don't write these kinds of things. You know that – I don't like bringing my deeper emotions to light. But you're safe and I trust you; I just hope you understand how special you are to me. You deserve so much good and I wish I could give that to you. I can't give you what I want to give you, but I will always be your friend, no matter what.

Elliot

He wrote this a while ago. That bar fight was a year or so ago – is that how long he's been keeping this letter back? Is this why he asked you to come over? ... Is this his attempt to get you to stay?

The plane's already over the ocean. You can't even see the shore anymore.

You realize just a little too late that he's the good in the world.

#elliot alderson x reader #Elliot Alderson #mr. robot #rami malek #rami malek character #mr robot #elliot alderson x male reader #elliot alderson x female reader

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dorigvbcorvis · 3 years

Text

I feel so incredibly used, roped in, ambushed and finally picked apart like I was in some Lord of the Flies tribal warfare and I am Piggy and my shell has just exploded. My crime? I placed an angry emoji on a a thread started with a meme that said "Kurtofski is endgame"

I did as a final act before unfollowing a "Glee Fan Fiction FB Channel". I thought that's all I had to do. But then yesterday a mod invited me to answer why I felt the way I do. I obliged her and said I didn't understand why anyone who ship two people so ill suited I said that Karofski is woefully ignorant racist thug who thinks it is okay to push around girls half his size. That was my reason but more to the point I said bullies like him are seldom redeemable unless they receive anger management...that unless they do they go on to commit crimes at higher rates than those who were never bullied. I said bullies are more likely to use violence as both a coping mechanism but also as conflict resolution. In short they are people no one should want to be around.

Shipping Kurtofsky made little sense

Whatever the reason I suggested there might be racist component because the same crowd wants anybody not Blaine

Sebastian Karofski Adam Elliot even Rachel what do all these characters have in common...They are all white

But it is worse because nearly all are also vile.

Sebastian and Karofski are both abusive racist thugs...

Adam is a nice guy but he is as boring as observing the oxidation process of liquid pigment applied to vertical substrates

Elliot also nice guy but a better friend than a boyfriend.

Rachel even if we get past being the wrong sex she is a egotistical narcissistic racist bitch.

Blaine is the right sex he is not a thug, he is kind, and thoughtful so what is there left?

He is half Asian?

And so I have wondered why it seemed people were desperate to ship Kurt with anybody but Blaine

Why we can look past toxic qualities and I keep coming back to race as possible reason but I am an Apistevist so I am not firm on this and I use unafirming language like it seems this way or it might be this way

I also said Karofski was woefully ignorant

But my words were strawmanned into the mod thinking I was calling her stupid, desperate, and a racist

So I reiterate back how this was a strawman fallacy

I didn't call her stupid, desperate, or a racist

I said I didn't even say Karofsky was stupid I said ignorant

So the mod administrator says Karofski can't be ignorant his father said he got good grades and he took Calculus

I said Karofsky said he was "going to calculus" he didn't say why he was going or even if he was taking Calculus. For all we know he could had some body else who needed to be escorted to class

Again I said ignorance is not the same as being stupid. It is about the knowledge and learning or lack there of, of a curtain subject

I restate how Kurt and Karofski are ill suited for each Kurt has all these interest that Karofski doesn't have nor does he ever want to have in that sense Karofski is the purest form of ignorance in that he wishes to ignore these things.

Imagine loving someone but then having nothing to love if you have zero in common

I also mention as a side note how Karofski could not possibly have been taking Calculus. This is because he was in remedial math in 10 grade and same year carried a Pre Algebra textbook in the episode called Bad Reputation

••••

I was invited to share my opinion I was honest I share something deeply persona about how I was bullied both at school as a child and at home by some I knew who used a unloaded gun to rape me over a span of many years. These two incidents are forever interconnected The trauma at home led to Complex PTSD, Bulimia, a stuttering problem, I also sucked my thumb for emotional comfort, and I wet my bed until an age 11 I only stopped when I was strong enough to move a big dresser in front of my bedroom door and smart enough to put a wedges in the windows to prevent it from being opened from the outside ....At age 11 I took care of myself because my parents didn't want to admit their son was racist asshole thug. This home trauma made me a trouble emotional kid I was bullied for all of it ...And yes I have since gotten help - So thanks but no thanks to all the new Glee Fan Fiction FB recommendations who can now all collectively stfu...because the problem isn't me. The problem is the perception we have of bullies. Some want to write them off like what they are and do are just a facts of life. In the immortal words of Chris Colfer who is just so apt in this moment but screw that. If those at Glee Fan Fiction FB Group can't see bullies for who they are - who will have their backs when they are bullied?....As for Glee Fan Fiction channel on Facebook who took more than a pound of flesh from me today...maybe it was naive of me to think I was only being invited to state my reason...and that once said I could back out the way I came... I mean I had already unfollowed the channel.

But also true maybe they now have to ask themselves if the mod has to secretly invited all these other friends of hers to join her using her IM so I didn't see this was going on behind the scenes... maybe they should be asking themselves why if this position that well grounded and the character of Karofski was such the up standing guy/such a decent young man and epitome of the kind you take home to meet mom...well then why does one need help taking turns taking pop shots at someone who disagrees???. I guess in an ironic sense another mystery piece of why this crowd people who like Karofsky and why they can relate to a bully and a thug is that they are bullies themselves

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gingerwritess · 5 years

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HIIIII!!!!! After reading where Loki sings and then with Baby No. 2 on the way 😍😍😍😍😍 can I request a drabble or something where Loki and the pregnant reader are lying in bed and Loki is singing to the unborn baby? Love you! Keep up the awesome work!!!

this was supposed to be 200 words. well over 1000 words later, have a drabble:

inspired by some requests for “your bed after travelling” from the sensory prompts list! psiwrotethesonglokisingsihopeyoulikeitikindado

— — — —

The blister on your heel has to be bleeding by now.

Your back, too, screams for relief—carrying the extra weight of a half-frost giant baby pulls at your bones, joints, muscles.

You try not to let it show, but the last flight of stairs to the street brings a pained whimper from your throat.

Loki pulls you into his arms before you even have to ask.

The trip was a nice distraction for a little bit, but with Loki off most of the day busy with meetings and negotiations, you’d been left trying to vacation with a hyper five year old and a very, very pregnant body that didn’t quite want to leave the pantry.

Watermelon, this time. And this damn hotel in the middle of this godforsaken metropolis only gave you instructions to the nearest grocery store.

Loki would simply pull a freshly cut watermelon out of thin air for you. Loki would go and get you anything you could ever wish for, draw you a bath, rub your back, and read Elliot a book to give you some peace and quiet.

Loki carries you to the cab—per your own request, since teleportation does nothing to help morning sickness—and he holds you close the whole drive home. One arm tucks you snug into his side while the other tries to keep Elliot in his seat, who’s far too excited at the prospect of not having to be in a booster seat for this car ride.

“Are we there yet?”

“We’ve been driving for four minutes, Elliot. Please.”

What feels like an eternity passes, and this time you have to ask.

“Are we there now?”

“Not you, too,” Loki groans, his head lolling back onto the headrest. “See, if I could just move us—”

“Nonono, don’t turn this on me!”

“I’m not turning this—”

“I GOTTA PEE!”

It takes a few more stops and a couple more minutes than planned, but before long you find yourself home, head throbbing and knees stiff and ankles screaming bloody murder.

Facing another flight of stairs.

(Only four, but who’s counting.)

Elliot joins you in your breakdown this time.

“Come here,” Loki sighs, sending the suitcases to inside with a flick of his fingers. He tucks an arm under your knees and one around your back, lifting you from the ground before you can blink the tears from your eyes.

“My hero,” you sniff, and throw your arms around his neck.

This baby will be a drama queen, you just know.

Before Loki can carry you inside, Elliot hauls himself off the ground with a sniffle, his little plush hedgehog tucked snugly under one arm.

“Me, too, daddy. Please?”

He lifts his arms—and hedgehog—up to reach for you.

Big green eyes blinking up at him, Loki can’t bring the word “no” to the tip of his tongue.

Instead he finds himself sighing, kneeling down with a tight hold on you to let Elliot clamber onto his back.

“Forgot how to walk, hm?” He asks his son with a smile, carefully climbing those unbearable four steps and letting Elliot back down.

The little boy shakes his head. “It’s called simple-thee pain. If momma hurts, we all hurt.”

“…right.”

You muffle your laughter in Loki’s shoulder.

“Go unpack your bags,” Loki tells him, nudging him towards his bedroom. “We’ll all hurt together in a minute.”

Elliot runs off to his room, leaving Loki to carry you to your own room; he steals a quick kiss before setting you softly on the bedspread.

The moment you touch down on that mattress, a blissful sigh leaves your lips.

Good kiss. Nice call.

Loki gives himself a mental pat on the back.

“Loki. Unpack later, c’mere.”

He looks up from the suitcase to find you sprawled, a hand draped over your giant belly. Toes scrabble against your heels as you try to kick your shoes off, flinging them across the room when you do.

“Comfortable?”

“Euphoric,” you groan, and give your ankles a few relieving circles.

“Here.” A soft smile on his lips, he lays a hand on your bump of a stomach, seamlessly changing you into your sweats.

You nearly curse aloud, grabbing your pillow and smushing it to your face.

“You spoil me.”

Loki just breathes a laugh, settles onto the foot of the mattress, and sets to work loosening up the tense muscles of your legs.

“My favourite pastime,” he murmurs, fingers working magic while you breathe in your home.

Loki. Elliot. You. The sheets are softer than you remember, and you’d give anything to be able to roll onto your stomach and bury your face in your pillow until you drift off.

But with this beach ball of a stomach, you settle for sprawling on your back, sinking into the mattress until it remembers your shape and the cotton candy clouds you get to sleep on swallow you whole.

“I’m never leaving this bed ever again.”

Loki hums quietly, mildly amused.

“Cuddle with me?” You ask, lifting your head to try and see him—only to be blocked by your belly.

“Of course.”

He takes a moment to change into something more comfortable—those softer-then-silk trousers are your favourite—and stretches out on the mattress beside you with a sigh.

There’s a pause—he shifts, searching for that perfect position—and groans in satisfaction.

Sinking into liquid gold.

“Nothing will ever understand me like my bed does,” he breathes, eyelids fluttering shut.

Long legs slip under the covers, sliding too smoothly against the perfectly cool sheets, and he lets out another sigh, warm and cool and safe and free by your side—

“Cuddle.”

You tap him on the chest, eyelids already drooping, breaking the enchantment long enough to bring you into this dream.

“Oh, absolutely.”

He scoots closer to your side, wrapping his arms around you to rest one on your belly, his head nestled into the curve of your neck.

A moment passes in perfect silence, his thumb brushing over the curve of your stomach every few seconds.

“Could you sing for us?” You whisper, breaking through the quiet. “Last time you did, she kicked.”

Half a grin tugs at the corner of Loki’s mouth. “Of course. Anything in particular?”

“Something…you.”

“Great. Okay.”

It’s quiet for a moment longer while he thinks.

Then…

“Round the borders and under the bridge, the frost-king tries to flee…around the throne he runs and hides, only stopped by a winter breeze.”

Entranced, you listen, his voice clear and crisp and quiet in your little bedroom as it dips and soars.

“‘I see you,’ said the breeze, so the frost king had to freeze. From his hand the ice broke the throne and the frost-king tries to flee. Round the forests he runs, only stopped by a winter breeze.”

There’s the kick.

Loki’s voice clips at the tiny movement, but he sings quietly on, trying to coax another from the unborn baby.

“‘What have you to fear?’ Asked the breeze, for the frost-king trembled with the leaves.” He sings softly, hand flat next to yours waiting for the little fist or foot to hit. “‘Only I, only I,’ he cried wistfully. Oh, the breeze followed when he ran, angered by his bitter flight.”

Loki’s voice slows, and you run your fingers through his hair, unable to break the spell he’s cast across the room.

He takes a slow breath, lays his head on your stomach.

“For what is a breeze but a storm-king, whose mother wrapped him tight for the night.”

Huddled in the doorway, Elliot listens.

The baby kicks again and you both share a quiet laugh; at that, Elliot runs into the room, wriggling his way between the two of you.

“I wanna say hi,” he whispers, laying his little hand next to Loki’s. “Can I cuddle with you, too?”

The baby kicks right away, bringing a giggle to Elliot’s lips. “Hi, baby.”

Loki wraps him tight in a hug, scooting closer to your side so the three of you can huddle together, warm and cold all at once and really, really happy to be home.

“I missed this bed,” your little boy sighs happily, nuzzling into your embrace.

“What about your bed, little giant?”

“Meh. It’s alright. Yours just…ahh…it soothes my soul.”

You snort and Loki bites back a laugh, instead pressing a sweet kiss to the top of his head.

“Don’t let us interrupt.”

― ― ― ―

fuel the writer?

~ masterlist link in my bio ~

loki tags: @bluediamond007 @himitoshi @drakesfiance @destiel1597 @dangertoozmanykids101 @archy3001 @jcalpha1 @yzssie @skullvieplu @forthesnakeofdragons @skulliebythesea @wegingerangelica @storiesfrommirkwood @agarwaeneth @adaliamalfoy @laurfangirl424 @fitzsimmons-is-forever @ladylokimischief @katelinwrites @tarynkauai @polaristrange @loavesofmeat @canadian-ravenpuff-multishipper @lou-makes-me-strong @holyn0vak @chocolatealmondmillk @swtnrholland @kenzieam @jessiejunebug @catticas @the-republic-and-face-of-texas

~ lmk if breaking up the taglist helps with that scrolling problem! ~

@doralupin01 @whitewitchdown @atomiccharmer @falconfeather23435 @babygirlicecream @avengrcs @vethrvolnir2 @bookgirlunicorn @wabisabigrl @myhealingstar @khaleesi-marvel @ei77777 @spacecrumbs @scarlettghost13 @rocks-are-pretty-odd @confessionsofastrugglingteen @easilydistractedwriter @arttasticgreatnessoftheawesome77 @fluffyllamaswearinghats @milktearose @lcyouinhell @h0tshotholland @dontmesswithmemundane @southsidesarcasticwriter @helnik-s @lilith-akemi @fire-in-her-veinz @unlikelysamwinchesteronahunt @mischievousbellerina @kcd15

~ scroll here if necessary~

@mellowgirl01 @lokislilcaribbeanprincess @allthingzhiddleston @scorpionchild81 @lokixme @blue-automne @galaxycharmed @devilbat @kangaroobunny @end-up-well @planetariumx @sarcsep @mrfandomtastic @amaru163 @im-way-too-many-fandoms @caswinchester2000 @kybaeza @wester-than-west @vintagesunshinebitch @adefectivedetective @poetic-nikolai @moonduhsted @kerri-masson @iamverity @innaminitus @spnbarnes @narcissxblack @woohoney @anxiousamandapanda @padmeisgay @authordreaming13 @lokisironthrone @theunknowinglys

~ scroll here if necessary~

@highfuncti0ningfangirl @epicfallenismine @stubby-toe-589331 @fandomnerdsarecool @retrofantasyland @arch-venus25 @forever-trapped-in-my-dreams @littleredstarfish @marshyrebelcloud @okie–loki @atterodominatus @stfxlou @pandacookieowo @tonakings @shinisenko @tinchentitri @nildespirandum @thefallenbibliophilequote @vodka-and-some-sass @highfunctioningfangirl19 @sadwaywardkid @lokioneshot @brooksaza @wild-honey-piy @ellaenchanted91 @watermelon-lights19 @just-another-romantic @skinny-macncheese @lokisironthrone @rorybutnotgilmore

#loki x reader #loki reader insert #loki imagine #loki requests #dad!loki #loki x pregnant!reader #domestic!loki #loki x reader fluff #loki laufeyson #loki series #elliot lokason

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euaxel · 4 years

Text

heyyy, eonia. i’m reid, i’m twenty-three, still can’t read, and all i know about pjo is that it fucking rocks and the protag has the same learning disabilities that i do! also, i picked hypnos for this punk mainly to be mean to him and because in the hades game hypnos bullies me every time i die and i’m kiiiinda into it. hmu on discord one on one for the best plotting experience, but i’ll be around plenty to bug y’all in the gc too. you can read about bastard boy number one right here and under the cut we’ll get down to business.

⟨ ELLIOT FLETCHER. TRANS MALE. HE/HIM. ⟩ though the mist might prevent some from seeing it, AXEL EVERETT is actually a descendent of H Y P N O S. it’s still a question of whether or not the TWENTY-TWO year old VIDEO GAME DEVELOPMENT & COMBAT TACTICS MAJOR from BROOKLYN, USA has taken after their godly parent completely, but the demigod is still known to be quite WITTY & SELF-DEPRICATING.

be advised, axel’s a pretty heavy character. i’m gonna keep it brief for the bio & need-to-knows, tag around the parts with bold applicable triggers so you can skip around as needed, and tag this post accordingly, but just let me know if i miss anything and i’ll fix it & be safe reading. godspeed and i apologize in advance for bringing you all my personal punching bag as my first muse.

the main triggers that are gonna come up are: parental abuse, alcoholism * major, mentions of bullying, drowning * major, religious trauma, and drug abuse with some harder drugs ( particularly, weed, pills and cocaine / nothing with needles. )

general stats.

— full name , axel harley everett. — nicknames/alias , axe, ax, wolverine jr, tyler durden jr, trouble, Who? - every professor he’s ever had. — house, hypnos and mad about it. — age, 22, as of today. also mad about it. — gender, trans male. — pronouns, he/him. — sexual orientation, bisexual with a somewhat heavy masc lean. — d.o.b, january 1st, 1999. ( generally unknown to anyone but maybe siblings, he will probably lie and say Nobody Knows... I Just Am unless he really fucks with you. ) — hometown,

phys.

— height, 5′0ft even. furious about it. — eyes, brown. — hair, brown. — face claim, elliot fletcher.

misc.

— zodiac, capricorn. — alignment, chaotic good. — character inspo, lip gallagher, steve rogers ( young ), ellie from tlou1, logan howlett, stiles stilinski ( if anyone says shit i will scream ), probably someone from euphoria but i’m too scared to watch that, peter parker ( andrew garfield ), shinsou hitoshi, finn mertens, marceline the vampire queen, dipper pines, this is all over the place but it’s there. — most played spotify songs, passion for publication by anarbor, sober haha jk unless by hospital bracelet, nobody by mitski, class of 2013 by mitski, king princess’ cover of monster from adventure time, way too much phoebe bridgers, in love or whatever by future teens, and the entire front bottoms discography but especially in sickness & in flames with the hard way & bus beat well at the top of his loop. — aesthetics, bloody knuckles, left open and tipped over prescription bottles, walking on the carpet with socks to get that tingly feeling, skateboarding inside, dozing off at the bar, tangled legs in messy sheets, ten pillows on a twin sized mattress, laying down in the shower, brian sella’s cracky singing voice.

bio.

— axel was born and raised in brooklyn, new york, and he was claimed at thirteen, on his thirteenth birthday, by hypnos. — the day he was claimed, axel ceased contact with his human mother and his step-dad, and he attended a camp for half-bloods that wasn’t far from home. he spent his adolescence there year round for safety from monsters at home and abroad, then moved on to eonia. — ( parental abuse tw, drowning tw begin ) i don’t want to be too graphic here so i’m going to plainly say that axel’s mother was a very, very bad person, and the man she married was absent at his best, physically abusive at worst. axel’s powers ( hypnokinesis, namely ) were potent and difficult to control at a young age, and as a deeply religious catholic woman, this scared his mother and influenced most of the animosity in their relationship. she was convinced that the defensive visions he created and his ability to put her to sleep ( an attempt to help her, on his end; insomnia plagued her and later, it would him, too ) were of demonic origin, and tried to drown him more than once; cleansing, she claimed. the worst instance was the day he was claimed, actually — new years day, 2012; his life was saved by hypnos, and that was the last he saw of her. ( parental abuse tw, drowning tw end. ) — that said, he’s a little ( very ) hydrophobic. poseidon kids do NOT fucking interact ( i’m kidding. kind of. he Will avoid a little though ) — anyway! moving on. all of this aside, axel did his best to put his past behind him, and he was actually super stoked to learn that his powers came from somewhere good and that there was places out there for kids like him; to learn he wasn’t any kind of monster. ( still working on believing that, though.. marcelines monster.mp3 right here ) — he’s less stoked when he starts having trouble falling asleep, and really, it feels like a more cruel twist than any other fate has thrown at him ( his upbringing was chock full of mean twists, so that’s saying something ); and really, it’s more like insomnia just full on kicks in, but he can put other people to sleep. great, right? whatever, though — combat classes are kickass and he’s surrounded by babes that think he’s hilarious so things could be totally, way worse. — ( bullying tw (brief) ) for the most part, axel was pretty well liked among his peers. he was bullied as a young kid (pre-claim), but he bit back and he bit back hard, and sure, some of that followed him into his teen years but he’s more confident by then; less fun to poke at, and absolutely unhinged when provoked, so people learn better of it. the only real lasting effect was one instant that hit him a little too deep in the inferiority, when he was seventeen — he fell in love with a girl, told her that, and found himself at the end of a very mean spirited prank. he shook it off like he did anything else, or at least — he told himself he did, even if the hurt hit him somewhere a little too deep rooted ( ie. being god’s most unlovable son would naturally land him here, right? ) love’s kinda stupid anyways, so what the hell, right? (bullying tw end.)

— ( alcoholism tw, drug use tw begin ) this is already obscenely long so i’m just going to keep it to the point here and say he began drinking when he was sneaking booze in to camp at fifteen, and it just never stopped there. he’s also a massive stoner, which is all well, harmless and good for the most part; he’s always grinning, half-lidded, and has a room full of smoke at any given time. it’s the pills that do him in, and he did them at first just so he could get some shut eye, and... well. after that, because he’s dependent on them. but he keeps this part under wraps for the most part; it doesn’t have to be anyone’s problem but his, and it’s not a problem until it is one. partying’s fun, so is coke; so is taking a few too many xan’s, mdma. ( alcoholism tw, drug use tw end )

FUN FACTS!!!

— i swear he is not as doom and gloom as he sounds from the bio, and yeah, writing that made me so sad i feel like we absolutely must hone in on the fun and cute things about him!?! — he loves dnd. he can talk about it for HOURS and if you let him, he absolutely will. — adventure time makes him cry. he’s a baby don’t let him fool you. — very into cryptids, aliens, horror stories, conspiracy theories, in love with ryan from watcher, wanna be shane medej. — he loves to draw! the one thing he loves about his power is what it’s done for his imagination, and sure, he mostly draws horror things, but it’s why he went into video game development. he wants to be a concept artist. — his double major is in combat tactics because he loves fighting. he thinks it’s so fun. he’s a little nuts, actually — i mean, get hit in the face and come up grinning. all he’s ever wanted is to run a fight club and be the shortest, baddest little bitch on the planet. — he tends to nod off in weird places because he doesn’t sleep enough at night, which is sad, but; he can seriously fall asleep anywhere. standing up, in a tree, you name it. — he’s a hobby musician! he loves singing and playing guitar. — he’s a huge flirt. — loves to scare people. he’s harmless, though. like, honestly. he might make you think you’re seeing a walking toadstool but he’ll probably apologize later. — he’s very much a singing in the shower type? — clothes thief. friends and significant others beware. — actually, just kind of a thief? but of weird, little things. like, just the left shoe. puts them in a little corner in his room that he has set up like an exhibit. “things you thought you lost lol” is written on the whiteboard on the wall above it. he likes collecting rocks too. he’s a little freak!! — he’s better at the memory retrieval part of his power than the rest. naturally, as this mostly applies for other people.

WANTED CONNECTIONS. im literally so tired of hearing myself talk...

friends/squad. self explanatory!!! he’s friendly, a class clown, and a loyal friend through and through; he’s also adaptable, and his demeanor is very relaxed and inviting. he’s probably gonna have 2-3 people that he’s really close with, and he’d do quite literally anything for them. seriously, don’t tempt him. a best friend. so this is kind of vague but. i’d really love for him to have one person that is just a tier above the rest? they’d know things about him that are like pulling teeth to find out ( aka, anything deeper than his most recommended podcasts and loudmouth opinions on non important things ), someone who will call him on his shit, and maybe take care of his stupid little self when he gets too fucked up, because they’d be someone he trusts enough to let them. enemies? he probably gets along with most people until given a reason not to? but he is a loud mouth and if one of his friends gets into drama, he will stick his nose where it doesn’t belong and he will throw hands, so it could happen.

harmless rivalries. maybe even steamy ones. he’s a little shit and he likes banter so, so, so much? if given the opportunity and if someone rubs him a certain type of way, he’s so not above being a menace, although never super maliciously. just, you know, annoying the shit out of them on purpose, for fun. he’s also not above blowing a few kisses their way.

current hookups. self explanatory too. he’s a little harlot. HFBHVFNJ. it’s gonna be kinda hard to go beyond sex with him because he’s very deep in his own insecurity but he does catch feelings, he’s just mad about it when he does. i’m mostly gonna go off chem for that though! an ex. could be on friendly terms? but, it should be noted that he could’ve ghosted someone too; or pulled from the relationship when things got serious and he couldn’t choke out that ‘i love you’, even if he felt it. worse, if he did choke it out, but they didn’t feel the same way. siblings. hypnos kids he is gonna be so protective of all of u... family is hard for axel, i’m ngl, but he really wants one is the tragedy of it all, i guess? so he just really wants to be a good brother. he thinks hypnos is kind of a dick for making him but he tries not to fault him for his existence. fuck u dad i dont wanna be alive feels a little unfair. HDBHFDSJ. anyways he’s a good brother even if he is absolutely so reckless and terrifying in regards to himself but his siblings. his siblings he will do anything for. ALSO!!! FOUND FAMILY!!!! it would be kinda nice if he bonded with someone a little older maybe, could be outside of the hypnos house even, someone he’s kind of a bratty-little-brother type with.... or bratty older brother that takes your things and makes you laugh, y’know.

PERSONALITY. just tacking this part of the app on at the end too to highlight parts that i think are important for understanding who he is, and just so it’s all in one place!

toothy grins, half-lidded eyes, and keepin’ them laughing is what it’s all about, baby. axel walks with more confidence in his posture than he’s earned ( or claimed, for that matter ), and it’s the backbone of what gets him by. he’s a glowing example of the fake it ‘til you make it mentality, and he knows what he wants, usually how to get it, and doesn’t mind letting you know that. there’s an ever present mischievous glint in his eyes that says more about what to expect from him than he does, and that’s still not much? he likes to have fun, and there isn’t a whole lot of regard for righteousness or responsibility on his end, but hey! it’s usually only ever at his own expense, so what’s the damage? he’s an absolute clown and he knows it.

axel loves people. he does — you might not guess that with how elusive he is, but it’s true. there’s nothing he likes more than a good conversation with someone interesting, or maybe not even then; if there’s a sparkle in you, he’ll see it. ( might even draw it, not that you’d ever know. ) he’s warm, loyal, compassionate, relaxed, and understanding; and none of that is at the cost of being passive, or lacking passion.

as long as the vibes are right, he’s happy to just be; though, he’s known to have a fuse for certain provocations, and will jump readily at chance to fight in someone else’s honor. also, it’s not unlike him to spar for the sake of sparring; but that’s all in good fun, no worries.

there’s no way to sugarcoat it — axel has an inferiority complex. where that stems from is something he’s more self-aware of than he’s willing to admit, but he doesn’t have the patience or the will to dissect it; much less do anything about it, and he’s as bull-headed as they come — especially regarding anything related to the psyche. how much this impacts his demeanor and relationships with others varies on the situation, but one constant is that he’s going to retreat before things get bad; even if ‘things are getting bad’ exists only as his own paranoia-born hypothetical.

things can’t go bad if you don’t let them, and he’s content to keep it that way; even if it means being stuck in the stasis of missed opportunities. it’s when he’s retreating into himself that he can get irritable, anxious, jumpy; secretive, defensive, even. he’s personable until he isn’t, essentially.

#euintro #ik elliots like 5'7 but i've never let this kid be taller than me and i will not start now #parental abuse tw #bullying tw #drug use tw #alcoholism tw #drowning tw #religious trauma tw #jesus christ whats wrong with me #anyway who wants him #Because I Dont #anyway im not fucking proofreading it JBFGHBFJFBDJSKNMA im so sorry this is a monster in length

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dilldaydreamer-blog · 6 years

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PVT: Family Natters

(Discord RP Between PI and Jude @redstringsandpidgeons ) PI>JH Ah. Jude. Do you have a moment?

JH: YES SIR over JH: HOW MAY I HELP YOU ? over

PI: Oh! It wasn't anything dire. PI: It was actually I suppose a more personal conversation?

JH: OH JH: WHATS UP THEN ? over

PI: I was mostly thinking about the past while. PI: And uh PI: I've already started to lose my nerve and train of thought. PI: I guess I wanted to be open with you because there is a bit of guilty feelings on a matter and it doesn't feel right to not mention it?

JH: ?

PI: I'm an alien. PI: Er...by that I mean I'm carapacian. PI: I'm sorry. I generally try to make it not a very known thing and give everyone the impression I'm also human born and raised on Earth. Partially for work and security reasons. PI: But the truth is I was born on Prospit. PI: Er...cloned on Prospit I guess would be a better term. PI: I only moved to Earth later on in my life.

JH: I THINK I HAD THIS DISCUSSION ALREADY WITH SOMEBODY ELSE JH: AND TECHNICALLY I'M THE ALIEN HERE over JH: I SEE JH: WHY WOULD YOU FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT ? over JH: YOU HAD YOUR REASONS TO HIDE YOUR ORIGINS AND I RESPECT THAT over JH: YOU NEVER KNOW WHO IS WATCHING OR HEARING YOUR CONVERSATIONS JH: IF KEEPING A FACADE LIKE THAT HELPS YOU BE COMFORTABLE SO BE IT JH: NEVER LET BIG BROTHER KNOWS WHAT YOU ARE UP TO over JH: THAT SAID JH: THAT MEANS I'M THE ONLY HUMAN AT THE PRECINCT THEN ? over

PI: There's still Egbert.

JH: OH GOOD over

PI: I suppose I feel guilty because for a time it felt like we were building a comradry over our combined human...uh...humaning. PI: And I didn't want to forge any bonds on the backs of deception PI: If it is any consolation, I have spent more time on Earth than I have on Prospit at this point.

JH: OUR RELATIONSHIP WASN'T ONLY BASED ON SUCH A CONNECTION JH: I WOULD BE DIMINISHING IT'S EXTENT BY ONLY RESUMING IT TO THAT MINIMAL DETAIL over JH: BUT SINCE WE ARE HERE ALREADY JH: WHY WOULD YOU DENY YOUR BIRTHPLACE ? over JH: WELL JH: CLONEPLACE over

PI: Well. PI: I could say that it was primarily for work purposes. PI: The prospitian race is very unpopular here on Derse for a multitude of reasons. PI: Working for the law is difficult as is. Working while looking like that which some have spent generations in brutal warfare....extra difficult. PI: But I cannot deny that I. PI: Well. PI: It's a complicated situation.

JH: MAKES SENSE over JH: YOU DON'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN IT IF YOU DON'T WANT TO over JH: BUT CAN I ASK YOU THEN JH: IF YOU PARTICIPATED IN THE WAR ? over JH: UNLESS THAT'S TOO PERSONAL over

PI: I did not. PI: I was actually in the first batch of clones that was made after the war's end. PI: Sort of the uh...first generation in the new peaceful time.

JH: I SEE over

PI: But, yes. I wanted you to know because. PI: Well I guess the best way to describe it is I do feel somewhat paternally inclined towards you. PI: Which admittedly may be a byproduct of who and what I am. PI: Which I guess is a fancy way of "it feels uncomfortable to feel like I was lying to you on something like that."

JH: I WAS UNSURE IF YOUR PATERNAL JOKES WERE JUST THAT JH: OR IT WAS FOR REAL over JH: I SEE JH: WELL I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT IM NOT MAD THAT I WAS LIED TO JH: IN THIS CASE YOU HAD VERY GOOD REASONS JH: I RESPECT YOU TRYING TO KEEP A LOW PROFILE over

PI: They are a bit of both. PI: I mean I initially started with just it to be friendly jest. PI: But ah...you're very easy to get attached to! Very likable. PI: It's...probably also a bit of a holdover from older coding. PI: Something which would hasten the bonds of familial love since often many new clones would arrive as full adults and need older models to guide them PI: But without the years of raising them from infancy...hard wired shortcuts were added. PI: Which doesn't mean the feelings are disengenuine! Just expedited!

JH: I WAS ABOUT TO ASK THAT JH: I DO NOT DOUBT THEY ARE REAL IF YOU ARE SURE ABOUT IT over JH: BUT I STILL WANT TO KNOW IF YOU EVER REALIZE IT'S JUST A PRODUCT OF YOUR CODING ONE DAY JH: I ALREADY HAVE A VERY BAD EXPERIENCE WITH AN ABSENT AND NOT VERY CARING DAD over JH: DO NOT WISH TO REPEAT SUCH EXPERIENCE over

PI: I had actually wanted to ask about your comfort on such things. PI: Because I realize it may be...horrifyingly awkward? PI: And the last thing I want to do is put you in a spot where you feel presured or uncomfortable because of how I've been acting. PI: Which I guess is also my way of saying if I have been overbearing or uncomfortable...please let me know and I can take effort to curb things on my end.

JH: THE REASON WHY I HAVEN'T SAID ANYTHING BAD ABOUT IT JH: IT'S BECAUSE I ACTUALLY FIND YOUR COMPANY AND SUCH TYPE OF APPROACH VERY COMFORTING over JH: I KNOW IT'S GOING TO BE AWKWARD TO JUST COME OUT OF NOWHERE JH: AND ACTUALLY ADMIT I APPRECIATE YOU AS A FATHERLY FIGURE OF THE SORTS ? over JH: I DONT WANT YOU TO FEEL LIKE YOU NEED TO ADOPT ME OR ANYTHING over JH: NOT LIKE LITERAL ADOPTION JH: BUT YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I AM TRYNG TO SAY ? JH: RIGHT ? over

PI: I understand. PI: I do genuinely enjoy your company. PI: And since I keep saying "I guess this is my way of saying..." PI: I guess this is my way of saying I would like to sort of semi-officially continue on this relationship path with you. PI: No actual pressure, no rush to sign papers or anything, just...see how it goes? PI: There's not much experience on the "Will you be my son" front of hallmark cards I realize. PI: Maybe I should have made one of those little notes wtith the Y / N to circle....

JH: IT WOULD BE HILARIOUS IF YOU JUST HAD SENT ME THIS over [Enlosed Image: dylm.jpg]

JH: BUT WITH ANOTHER TITLE over JH: TO WHICH I HAVE TO REPLY THAT YES I AM COMFORTABLE WITH THIS ARRANGEMENT JH: AND I HOPE I DO NOT DRIVE YOU AWAY OR DISAPPOINT YOU over

PI: I will save that image for actual adoption paper time should it come to that. :) PI: Also ah, well I would say my reaction would be something of "Huzzah!" or "Yee!" but it feels somewhat innappropriate. PI: So I'll just say I am comfortable with it too and that I too hope I do not drive you away or disappoint you! PI: Son. :D

JH: DOES THIS MEAN I WILL BE A VICTIM OF DAD JOKES ? over

PI: I think we're all the victim for those. PI: Maybe. I'm still new to this whole thing. May be a bit shaky.

JH: I'M SURE MR ELLIOT WILL BE GLAD TO ASSIST YOU IN THIS DAD BUSINESS OF JOKES over

PI: By assist you mean 'make me suffer because he's far more punny than I ever could be' you are correct. PI: But ah! Thank you! I will do my best to not disappoint. PI: Oh...actual business now. PI: I'm going to be taking time in the next few days to try to gather up some of the surveilance footage in some of the hidden cameras I had placed. Also to see if any were damaged in all the situation. Would you like to come along for some of that? PI: Though that will be a little bit after some of the immediate clean-up is taken care of.

JH: MR ELLIOT IS THE MASTER OF PUNS THAT'S TRUE over JH: HM ? JH: OF COURSE SIR JH: JUST LET ME KNOW WHEN YOU NEED ME AND I WILL BE THERE over

PI: Can do! PI: I should get back to work myself now. PI: Thank you for all the help with the reports and organizing things at the precinct. PI: It has made things work a lot more efficiently.

JH: NO PROBLEM SIR JH: I HONESTLY DIDN'T WANT TO GO ON PATROL TODAY ANYWAY JH: PEOPLE ARE STILL VERY STRESSED AND SOMETIMES I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY OTHER THAN JUST "I'M SORRY" over

PI: That is a very relatable feeling. PI: Sometimes it is best to just take time to focus on tasks that allow you to feel helpful but without extra stress due to social interactions. PI: Keep taking care of yourself, get plenty of rest where you can.

JH: YES OF COURSE JH: YOU TOO MR PEMBROOKE over

#ic private #redstringsandpidgeons #rp log #long heckin post//

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boo1a4 · 7 years

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11 question tag!

Hey guys so I was tagged by 5 of my fav gals to do the 11 questions tag (THATS 55 QUESTIONS WHY ARE YALL LIKE THIS) but anyway I was tagged by @s-lay-ing @sambashua @achuu-nice @indiepoptime and @yongpal-i (this tag is fucking eternal help me)

Cloud’s Questions!

Do you know a ksong by heart? (bc I don’t :x I can hum a trillion tho)

Blackpink’s As If Its Your Last, Heize’s Star, Day6 I loved you and You Were Beautiful, most of seventeens title tracks and most of their ballads, lastly Pristin’s Aloha! I'm sure my pronunciation is way off but those are tho the ones that I've taken the time to actually sit down and learn!

When it comes to friendships, are you low or high maintenance? (As in your friends gotta talk everyday with you or you’ll feel like the friendship is dying OR if you can spend days without talking to them yet you still remain close)

Ummmm I think it depends on the friendship? also I think I can tend to be a bit of both (cause I'm an insecure ass binch), tho I don't ever feel like my friendships are dying lmao

Do you have a secret that you will take to the grave? (Ofc I’m not asking you to reveal it)

not that I can think of?? like I'm sitting here thinking if there is anything and like honestly no????

Recommend me 5 songs (not necessarily kpop songs)

Dracula Teeth - The Last Shadow Puppets(honestly cloud just listen to all of their music is so great) Daydream In Blue - I Monster (this is honestly one of my all time fav songs I love it too much) No Way Down - The Shins (you know I can't go 2 mins without mentioning them, some great lyrics right here tho also give September a listen in beautiful) Beechwood Park - The Zombies (I'm assuming you know the zombies cloud but on the off chance that you don't BINCH THEY ARE MY ACTUAL FAVORITE well beside cream and zeppelin but they are up there) Kimbra - Miracle (kinda of a random one but this song just never seems to leave me!) Big Bird -Hyukoh (oh that was 6 BUT THIS SONG IS SO GREAT also listen to wing wing!!)

What do you prefer?: first, second or third gen kpop songs?

I generally prefer second generation??? I think????? I like a bit of all of them tho. but like there is no definitive answer to when each of the generations start and end so like I don't even know??? but most of my fav groups as far as music goes are older around 2nd gen but a fair amount of them are gen 3, I have a really strong love for kpop that was released between 2009-2014.

What’s the cheeeeeeeeeesiest thing you’ve done? (one time a former friend of mine was telling me about a problem she had and at the end of our convo I kissed her in the forehead bYE)

girl idk just my whole fucking life tbh, but my family members and irl friends will all tell you I do this thing where I yell sing songs and change the lyrics to their names this includes badly sung kpop songs IM SCREAMING THO CLOUD WHO ARE YOU AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA

If you were asked to participate in a variety show, which one of the following would you pick and why? (Pick two!): problematic men, master key, hello counselor, weekly idol, one fine day, law of the jungle

um probs ofd?? id say weekly idol also but damn the hosts would literally be like who is this weird binch!

Your top 10 kpop songs of 2017?

In no order but 1. Would U - Red Velvet 2. Let’s Hang Out - SF9 3. Night Rather Than Day - EXID 4. Aloha - Pristin 5. Missing You - BTOB 6. I Loved You - Day6 7. Teenager - Got7 8. Habit - Seventeen 9. As If It’s Your Last - Blackpink 10. You, Clouds, Rain - Heize

Would you rather live in a huge mansion or a compact studio house?

Im a real messy binch so definitely compact studio

Tell me a fun childhood story (I’ll start! One time an aunt gave me money to buy ‘papas’ (potatoes) at the grocery store so bc I’m obedient af I went and asked the counter lady how many of em could I buy with the money I had so she went ‘uhh, not many tbh’ so i ended up getting like two and when I returned to my aunt’s house she laughed her ass off and said: I meant ‘papas fritas’ (potato chips) Not those! - and uh yeah this is funnier in Spanish but it proves that I’m such an innocent angel I mean wow)

ok so I spent a lot of time at my aunt Lori’s house when I was a kid (like summers, and after school) and my cousin was the BUG queen so she hand made leashes for her pet toads (that she caught) and we walked them around on leashes for like a week but I was always so afraid of them and also hurting them so I WAS NOT ABOUT THAT ahahaha dumb story but it makes me laugh alsoalsoalsdo they had this bench swing in their back yard and my cousin my sister and I would swing on it together for hours at a time and one time we were swinging real hard (REAL HARD) and the links?? or whatever that held it to the ceiling it was hanging from snapped and the three of us of us flew off of it and we all collectively blacked out??? it was so weird but I woke up to my cousin stuggling to get me off of her and then there lays my sister underneath the bench just blacked out chilling (she was fine) then my aunt came running out cause she had just heard the loudest crash ahsdfasdf not long after my uncle put stronger links on it and that bench is still there! From time to time when the three of us get together this story gets brought up its still the most hilarious thing ( ALSO CLOUD YOU ARE SO PURE I LOVE)

If you were offered to start a band, would you accept?

yeah I love music so much why not! not sure I would be able to contribute much lmao

Mir’s Questions!

If you could travel anywhere, but were completely by yourself, where would you go?

hmmmmm do you mean like I wouldn't be visiting anyone and just traveling alone?? or like going someplace where I know no one?? ok cause for the first I would book it straight to az TO SEE YOU MIR!! AND SISTER!! but for the second I would love to go to Japan (my cousin lives there tho so that also doesn't technically count lmao)

What inspires you?

Music, books, and tv shows! Also really well written characters or just interesting people I guess! but on like a ??spiritual?? level my mom?? she's just that binch you know ( like seriously Ive never met anyone kinder or more driven and hard working in my life she's wild)

How many pets would you have in your ideal future? Any specific names or types in mind?

47 KITS, no realistically I want 2 kittos and they will be named Bellamy and Murphy cause I got too also lowkey want to name a cat rami or Elliot or also kaz or Inej damn all the good names wow. Also the name Calloway is my fav name of all time and I WANT SOMETHING WITH THIS NAME

What are you opinions on fedoras

um eww?? what other opinions are there?? what is this question mir I'm???? but like ngl when worn in a none cringe manner then can look nice!

how many spoons can you balance on your face at once (picture or video proof preferred (i’m trying to get someone to do it pls anyone))

girl I've done my time (lowkey did you put this on her cause I told you about my gravy spoon today???)

What is your favorite type of tree?

I like Birch trees!

If you could convince one person to like kpop who would you convert?

damn MY MOM cause then she might listen to something other than bruno mars once in a while

What are three things you are normally associated with and/or what are three things you want to be associated with?

art, sleeping, reading and um idk?? tbh??? like maybe not being shitty and being funny??? idk??? like I don't know????

If you were in a kpop group what position would you hold (ie. leader, main vocal, moodmaker, etc) feel free to tag your mutuals and who they would be!

um hm im a moody binch bonch so probably moodmaker?? mir is main dancer cause yes duh ivy is leader cause she's the only sane one kennedy I feel would be a great rapper like she got that chic thing going she could do it I feel??? and cloud would be our talent tbh??? nom would be the maknae cause she's small I feel! Jeddy would be my happy virus bud cause she's a fun and funny gal ( I love) Jamie ALSO ONE OF OUR TALENTS wow yes I feel a main vocal here she’d go solo and be singing ballads left and right! JESS WOULD BE THE SWEET MOTHER MEMBER THAT EVERYONE LOVES AND IS JUST THE SOFTEST,,,A SUNSHINE GAL.

If you could have any wild animal as a tame pet what would it be?? (i’m ocelot loyal all the way)

damn idk I'm like horrible at taking care of things (including myself) so like honest id just stick to the kit kats

What is your opinion on mint chocolate chip ice cream? (for maj)

The best ice cream (tho I can't eat it anymore and its very cursed)

Nom’s Questions!

how are you? :D

I’m good Nom thanks for asking!

sad ballads or happy upbeat songs?

Im a ballad ho these days they are honestly all I listen to anymore, but I do love me an good upbeat song I'm just slightly more picky about them!

fave anime movie?

ok tie between Whisper of the Heart and Howl’s Movie Castle, I honestly need to see more that arent Ghibli!

dogs or cats?

Cats! (my dog is practically a cat tbh)

do you keep stuffed animals in your room?

I have one! its a portal companion cube! its not technically an animal BUT I LOVE IT ANYWAY ITS ALL IVE GOT!!!! also if you count tsum tsums I've got a few big hero 6 ones!

someone you miss?

My dad, its been especially hard lately.

describe your phone case?

its like rainbow watercolor! I have a pop socket that matches

favorite lore/myths?

Not technically myth or lore but Beowolf! I've seen the movie at least 40 times and I've read the epic! generally I find northern european mythology/literature to be more interesting than southern. but if we’re going for like ubran myths tbh not really my thing ahahaha.

eardbuds or headphones?

both for different things! but when I first listen to an album I like to listen with my headphones!

can I steal your heart?

you already have ~~~~~~~

favorite thing about your ult bias?

His sensitivity and kind heart! I love a sweet boy! Also I'm really here for Boo’s cheeks!

Jamie’s Questions!

If you could only listen to one song for the rest of your life what would it be and why?

ohhh there are a few songs that I really really love, Heize’s Star is a song that I listen to daily and I feel like I could listen to it for the rest of my life! also September by The Shins! Miracle Aligner by The Last Shadow Puppets also. Idk man I just really love songs with a mystical quality to them.

If you were in a kpop group what would your group be called and what would your fandom name be?

BINCH AND OUR FANDOM NAME WOULD BE BONCHES

If you could acquire mastery over ONE skill instantly, what would you pick and why?

Singing!! its just about the only kind of musical talent I think I’d be any good at! Im a vocalist ho I just want to be like my favessssss

First reaction if you spotted your favorite celebrity on the street?

I would literally hide so fast omg

First reaction if your favorite celebrity followed you on your favorite social media site?

SCREAMING ALL THE LOVE FOR BOO SEUNGKWAN 24/7 and literally only doing art of him and nonstop posting it

Snap your fingers and you get to steal your favorite outfit off of a kpop idol. What outfit do you pick, off of whom, and why?

OK literally all of Soonyoungs airport looks cause damn that boy does not get enough credit for his fashion (he's the best dressed in the group fite me)

If you were to get a painless tattoo that you could remove with the press of a button, what would you get and where would you get it?

umm probably something really pretty? and colorful? I'm not sure what put I like arm tattoos!

What is your most prized possession?

probably my laptop?? also my collection of sketchbooks!

What’s a YouTube/online challenge that you have always wanted to try?

Im always interested to try those youtube art challenges, I've done the three marker challenge before and the draw this again challenge also!

You get a guarantee that your favorite celebrity will see your social media post but you only get 100 characters. What do you say to them?

I would literally just send my art to them! I feel like it says more than 100 characters can!

You wake up in your dream room. What does it look like?

LITERALLY A LIBRARY AND LIKE NICE AND DARK AND WARM BUT NOT TOO WARM LOTS OF BLANKETS

Kennedy’s Questions!

Make a 10-song playlist for your current mood.

it is here

What vine do you quote the most?

what is that?? who you fighting?

What do you value most in a friend?

I like people who are good listeners! but also people can keep a conversation going! But really tho just genuine kindness and openness.

If you could learn any kpop choreography instantly, what would you learn?

DAMN THIS IS HARD, so many great ones that I love a lot but probably Red Flavor?

If you go to your Tumblr activity page, who does it say is your “number one fan?”

damn Idk them so I'm not gonna like tag them or something lol

What is your ideal clothing style?

I like simple dark clothing that is comfortable.

What is your favorite Snapchat filter?

I really like the ugly ones tbh I don't use them enough

What subject would you like to study, but wouldn’t necessarily want to make a career out of? (for example: I really want to learn about botany!)

psychology, I really love learning about how people work.

Would you rather be constantly half an hour early to everything, or constantly 15 minutes late?

early of course, I hate being late

Would you rather have a single day to spend with your top bias or a week to spend with your number 2 bias?

damn neither??? ahahah no a day with boo would be very blessed!

If you could bring back any disbanded OR inactive group, who would you bring back?

F(X) BINCH I NEED MORE MUSIC

My Questions!

if you had to chose one kpop stage outfit to wear for the rest of your life which would you choose?

favorite music video aesthetic?

Group you are most excited for in 2018?

Recommend me some underrated kpop songs/groups?

If you could join any group other than your bias group who would you join and why?

Favorite soloist? and some song recs?

Childhood Story? (thanks Cloud)

Were you in any fandoms before you got into kpop, if so what were they?

Favorite Comeback/debut of 2017?

astrological sign? Myers Briggs type? Hogwarts House (I'm a Gemini, infp, and Gryffindor)

Random question but what are your favorite names?

Tagging : @s-lay-ing @sambashua @achuu-nice @indiepoptime @yongpal-i (y'all can do mine if you feel like it!) @forgetjunnot @babybyuny @kae-popx @kiheehyunie @jeonwoooo @trbldean130 @howcaniwait @joshhjs @maetaamong and if you’ve already done this you don't have to do it again ahahahaha I feel like everyone has done it already lol

ok thats it do it if you want!

#ok so this literally would not post help me #thanks again for the tag #BYE #tag

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theculturalvacuum · 7 years

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A Dance with Fan Fic Ask Round Ups

I have a confession: I was a little terrified that everyone would be mad at me for going to a cliff hanger with the groom storming out to a pretty unrelated chapter involving middle-aged ladies and repression, not least because it took me two months to get it out. But the feedback on this chapter has been so sweet. Thank you.

Now that the next chapter is out, I’ve finally decided to catch up on all of these….

Anonymous said:

I don't think your buying into stereotypes with your dornish women, they aren't all identikit, they're all just reflective of a place which expects women to be a bit more involved in everything. From outside of Dorne you've got Sarra who was assertive in her own way by telling eliott how to behave with his new wife, it was a gentle type of assertiveness but she took control and had that conversation no matter how awkward. Lady Darklyn too certainly seems not lacking in confidence.

Well, good. I sometimes worry about women who are less assertive and how they cope in this society. With Sarra, what I was more going for was more encouraging her son to be gently assertive about his marital rape license.

Anonymous said:

Elliot, you are my sonion, and I understand that you're upset, but you're acting like an asshole. Stop being an asshole.

I’ll pass this on, but I’m not sure El will be able to hear me over the sound of his raging hangover right now.

Anonymous said:

Your fic is so much fun, I find myself going yeah oh poor Eliott's he's going to marry a whore, and then im like, wait what the fuck corret man. I get so into each chapter that by the end of it im agreeing with these twits. that's when I know im hooked and your good at your thang.

Thank you? POV bias is a bitch, though.

Corret has a very logical brain, and he’s very normative. He just doesn’t question the assumptions of his society. And he didn’t say Loree was a “whore”! He said she was “little better” than one. Big difference, dude!

Anonymous said:

A few ask rounds ups ago, someone mentioned Dylan having high hopes that Ellaria Uller will get a prominent job in KL, oh my god I need this. I need Corret to just have no clue what going on and why is buddy would want such a thing when he has a second son to put those hopes onto. Maybe Dylan thinks Ellaria is his cleverest kid or something and he's excited of her progress report from the water gardens/tutors at Hellholt or something, and Corret is just so uncomprehending.

Lil’ Ellaria aces all the math tests.

I can’t think of any reason why Dylan would stop hanging out with his old buddy Corret or why he wouldn’t be one of the famous Dornish Proud Papas.

Anonymous said:

Hey my Jeyne Swann love is perfectly reasonable and normal!!! Sorta. I just feel bad for her she went to a place where she could have done anything (within reason) and shiteros had screwed up her view of herself and marriage and life so much that she was never able to take even one second of advantage of it then she got a disgusting growth in her body and died. I feel much better now and zen knowing that she as some fond times with her girls to give her happy memories as she wasted away.

I’m sure she thought she was the luckiest woman in the world.

Anonymous said:

I kind of feel sorry for eliott and how unprepared he is for the world he's walked into. I mean there are limits to my sympathy given his attitude and his opinion on stuff, but if someone (ADWIN!!!!) had just given him a few more facts from the start or they'd journeyed through Blackmont and he'd been able to see Meria and Simon and have a little chat with him, it wouldn't have fixed everything but he'd have at least been more like a good little scout and been (a bit) prepared.

I mean, Adwin threw a pile of books at him. Was that not enough?

Eliott’s problem is sometimes connecting theoretical knowledge to the real world. He can know things about Dornish culture, or even that some historical Princess So-and-So had half a dozen paramours in her life or something, and still not have it occur to him that it would apply in this situation.

Anonymous said:

Something I sort of noticed as the Rowan caravan was journeying was they never stayed anywhere where there was a marriage like Eliott was about to enter into. Manwoody, Fowler and Vaith there is no spouse in residence, Allyrion the dude is the Lord, so everywhere they went of the big houses he's not getting the chance to really see the role he'd have which probably keeps the shackles on for even longer.

I suppose that’s true, I didn’t plan it or anything. But the most important thing keep the shackles on is Eliott and his Brain Virgin. I’m not sure if swinging by Sandstone would have helped him much except maybe that he would think that Allin ain’t a real man or something.

Anonymous said:

Given everything that happened between AWiS and the present, would it be fair to say that Edgar Yronwood was right, or at least had a point when he said that the Martells trying to win the favour of the Northerners wouldn't yield the result they wanted? A bit rich coming from the man who backed the Blackfyres, but still...

Well… ask Elia how it all worked out. Though, to be fair, the amount of autonomy they seemed to have under Robert is a little ridiculous.

Anonymous said:

I'm excited and sad for the upcoming Alysanne chapter. Excited because she's a brilliantly written character; sad because she's spent her whole life getting shit on and thanks to patriarchy brain, thinks it's all her fault. Which makes me sad.

I feel guilt about how long it took me to get this round-up out. Like, that was two chapters ago… I hope it lived up to your expectations.

Anonymous said:

On your favourite subject of Jeyne Swann, whats the age gap between her two girls? did Allyster try and get two kids on her relatively quick so they'd be able to stop making appointments? Must have been a bit weird for her not to have anyone pushing for the her to birth the prodigal penis, even with huge amounts of pb that must have been kinda nice, even if she did probably think she'd failed or some crazy shit like that.

The gap between them is maybe five years or so, and Jeyne (the younger) didn’t marry as early as Rebanna did, so her kids are quite a bit younger than Maron. There may have been some infant mortality between them, or even after as well. I’m not sure, I don’t want to pile on. Allyster stopped making appointments because he could tell how not into it she was, and that got weird after ten years.

Anonymous said:

why is alyse ladybright not tagged for your fic? she appears plenty and yet the poor Lady doesn't get a tag.

Ha. I think I only tagged people who already had tags.

Anonymous said:

Is Lewyn's paramour someone we've already met in a AWiS? Jennelyn Sand mayhaps?

No and no.

Anonymous said:

If Casson had married Loreza would that mean that Ellaria would have been Lady Vaith one day?

I suppose so. Unless it prompted Vanella to bite the bullet and get hitched.

Anonymous said:

Speaking of trophy consort, I always thought he'd be younger but not young enough to be her son. More in the vain in your fic verse of Emerik Qorgyle or Trebor Jordayne if he wasn't heir. that way he's very much a man grown when they marry and has plenty of life experience so he has something to offer as a ocassional advisor. But he's still a younger hottie too.

Okay.

Anonymous said:

I like owain a lot. He seems like a real good guy. Plus he's got Tully links too which makes him dynastically well linked along with his Reacher and married Martell links. Alyse is going to be all over that, but I imagine there might be a queue.

Owain is the pragmatic one. Marq is a mini-Corret with all his ISTJ-ness. Lymen is the racist one. Jon the Green is also there. Maybe he’s the funny one.

Yeah, Eliott’s peeps aren’t as cool as Loree’s.

Anonymous said:

I have sympathy for Jeyne Swann lover anon because I'm actually drawn to your background characters more than your POV's. I like all your POV choices and they're a nice spread but its the unknown with the background characters that interests me. I like Deria, Deneza is someone I really wish for more of, Adwin's a professor in another life, Owain is just perfect, Sarra/Aelora are just the cutest, I need more Dylan, Simon Leygood's life intrigues me even if he's only a name, Alyse is a dream.

Alyse has dreams.

Anonymous said:

How do Rebanna and Allyster feel about the fact that Maron is almost 30 and not married? I get that the Dornish don't push marriage as hard as some, but they still do succession through bloodlines. Would the fact that he hasn't married make them question if he's responsible enough to rule Wyl?

Well, he had his heart broken once.

They’re probably in Wyl right now talking about how they’ll totally bring it up as soon as he hits thirty. Also, keep reading.

Anonymous said:

Does Lenelle have ladies-in-waiting, or is that a right reserved for Martells proper? Similarly, does Jenny have ladies, or is her status low enough, and scandal that she caused great enough, that no knight or lord wants his daughters to serve her?

Lenelle does have ladies of her own, I just haven’t really thought about who they might be or had cause to mention them. Emelyn was one, once upon a time.

I have no clue about Jenny. She would probably ditch them if she did have them.

Anonymous said:

This is a bit of a random comment but I loved your response to my asking about where the Fossoways were. It just highlights how different peoples minds work. once I read who the groom was on the Dramatis personae my first thought was who were his cousins on the other side of his family and thought they must be young or female for him not to have any of them as his little group of companions. When I saw none were there I just immediately jumped to conspiracy theories like a normal person...

I mean, we can weave a tale about how Sarra doesn’t get on with her family ever since they found out that she doesn’t like apple pie, or something.

Anonymous said:

Besides GRRM, who would you say the biggest influences on your writing are?

Jane Austen is kind of obvious. Especially in the dialogue, probably.

Actually, Martin doesn’t influence my style nearly as much as I would like him to. My descriptive passage are always very, like, functional.

Anonymous said:

Whether or not it occurs in on page, I'd imagine that, at some point during the events of AWiS, some Reach Bros got drunk and decided to loudly sing The Dornishman's Wife. They couldn't understand why their Dornish hosts didn't find the song amusing.

I think their Dornish hosts just find it dumb. And it will be quite the wedding feast, I’m sure. Literal wine fountains.

Anonymous said:

Will AWiS feature anything like Martin's weirder, trippier passages? Either a character having a fever dream or ingesting a hallucinogen of some sort?

I’m not sure if I’m up for that. I did once write a dream for Eglies, though.

I’m not sure which pov character is most likely to eat a magic mushroom. Probably Ormond.

Anonymous said:

Aside from Loreza being dornish and set to be ruling Princess of Dorne, I can't help but feel like anther problem Eliott may encounter with her is she's very much a grown woman. Whereas there seems to be so many really young brides elsewhere, some criminally young but even 19 year olds like Olenna haven't really lived, they're in a lot of ways children in women's bodies due to the way they get infantilized. Loreza isn't any of that and that is a new experience even before the political stuff.

I think that’s quite insightful. And Loree has this confidence about her sexuality that I don’t think Eliott will know what to do with.

Anonymous said:

Love Deria, she sounds like she has a bed warmer and wants to find someone for her new friend, lol.

Deria’s a classy lady. She doesn’t kiss and tell.

Anonymous said:

I volunteer to kill Tybutthole, it would be my pleasure, I'd even pay you for the honour. As realistic it is, I hope there can be something positive to come out of this even if it only sadly Marigold getting out.

I suppose that all depends on how you define “positive outcome”. As I believe I’ve said before, this society is tailor made for men like Tybutt, but I think Alysanne is starting to realize that that may be problematic, so I would say not all hope is lost.

Anonymous said:

Princess Trystana and Lord Gargalen totally seem like marriage goals for the setting. they've found a way to function as a couple, communicate and raise their kids together with respect and support.

I mean, maybe they seem like that now. You should have seen them in the old days.

Anonymous said:

Daenella seems kind of Targ to me, like she inherit all the privilege like a Martell has but without any of the dutiful nature that goes with it, which seems Targ-ey. By the time she was born her dad was gone/or almost, so her mother had to help Rhodryn in his new role, and child bearing problems and grieve and adapt so Daenella probably just got to have all the fun of being born into such great position but without any of the lessons in duty.

All the best royal families have that “only two kinds” thing and in the Martells’ case it the whole “hot and cold” thing I made up for The Princess and the Septa. It was kind of, like, institutionalizing the contrast between Doran and Oberyn, (a contrast so obvious that even GoT noticed it...) And Daenella is kind of this generation’s Oberyn. Though, so is Arion, so…

But, of course, the sharp contrast is also an oversimplification. Like, which one is Lewyn, for example?

Anonymous said:

Linette!!! nice to hear about her a bit. I wonder if a tiny bit of Duran's appeal to Alysanne, as she gets to know him better, if his obvious pride in his daughters, and the fact he's ''satisfied'' with them.

Tiny bit?

Linette’s a pro. She has charts.

Anonymous said:

Daenella and Trystana seem like they just don't understand each other at all. they try in their own ways to connect but they're so different that the other just doesn't see these overtures as being meant to be kind or loving. Little Trystana might momentarily unite them when she's probably likely to be born at the most inopportune time. They're sisters, they clearly care for one another they just have no clue how to communicate with each other.

Anonymous said:

The princess of the breeze seems to bring the worst out of her sister. I think Trystana just has no idea how to relate to her, and as she's so used to being in control and knowing what she's doing she can't quite function as she wants to around her sister and they just end up having this escalating back and forth, that Trystana seems to know if ridiculous but can't quite break the cycle.

Deanella always has the best intentions for things, but she just gets overwhelmed by her emotions and can’t focus on things enough to actually follow through. She wants to be a good mother and a good sister but… omg, that dog has a fluffy tail! No one sane would trust her with any actual responsibilities.

And Trystana is very dutiful, but she also wants to make sure everyone knows how dutiful she is. Specifically that she’s more dutiful than Daenella. That being said, she would drop everything to help her sister in a crisis, even after the twentieth time.

Anonymous said:

Whilst I'm enjoying the little romance Alysanne has going on, I'm particularly enjoying her simple joy at having people notice her and making a few new friendships and how she just seems to spill to these people because she's probably never had anyone to really talk to for years aside from her daughter, and you can't tell you child any of this sort of stuff. I could see her and Deria becoming great friends, and Trystana too if Alysanne's world continues to open up.

Female friendships are important for women.

Anonymous said:

Someone needs to engineer ''accidents'' for certain assholes so that Daisy and Marigold can be left the fuck alone.

Anonymous said:

LMAO, Alysanne thought she was in for an earful and instead she was being set up with her dreamboat again. Honestly when this is all over however it goes or doesn't go she's going to need a good neck massage from all the whiplash she's getting trying to get her head around all these dornish ways.

Those mysterious Dornish ways of, like, consent and stuff.

Anonymous said:

On a scale of 1-10, how concerned should we be for Alysanne's safety? Tybutt doesn't seem the type to take his wife showing agency lying down.

If Tybutt gets on Trystana’s wrong side you should be more concerned for his safety.

Anonymous said:

Trystana girl, you looked in the mirror lately, Daenerys is wilful? lol. Maybe their wilfulness comes out in different ways but they've both got bucket loads of it. I did enjoy her chat with Alysanne in general though, she likes her husband and wants him to have some happiness and joy. the fact the lady he likes is the biggest sweetheart that ever sweethearted is a big bonus though.

How dare you! Dany is nothing at all like Trystana!

#aWiS #A Wedding in Sunspear #aWiS asks

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ts-indonesia · 5 years

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ANABEL’S RESPONSES

Michael - https://youtu.be/d2D8bc6CYqw

Owen - https://youtu.be/YMVQ_dSz4N0

Leigh - https://youtu.be/exaUzFhNAC0

Lorelei - https://youtu.be/EbTI4hs4TKA

Matt - https://youtu.be/95jYHwEIWK8

Chris O. - https://youtu.be/_gPXZbQfIEI

Chris S. - https://youtu.be/ej5kHpTH9EE

Olivia - https://youtu.be/cYx8q_PZH-A

hey isaac!!! thank u so much for ur kind words, i cant tell u how much i appreciate it after everything.. it truly does mean a lot and i hope we can be friends and talk after this is all said and done.

i also want to apologize for this not being filmed, it’s been a hard day at school today and i look like crap so my words must be expressed thru google doc!!!

so, i really loved this question, i feel like it does really show who was on top of their social game and who wasn’t, and i believe that i was. pretty much all these songs are less about the lyrics that are expressed and more about the vibes they give off. i will link a spotify playlist with everybody’s songs so that u guys can jam out to what i think represents u!!!! hope u enjoy!!!

isaac- for u i chose party tattoos by dodie clark. it is most definitely my favorite song by her, and she’s one of my very favorite artists, so congratulations lmao!!! i would describe this song as optimistically rebellious, and i honestly think that’s a good way to describe u. i can totally see u like leading an insane movement about the mistreatment of teenagers in orgs or something with a smile on ur face and THIS SONG in ur heart!!!

lorelei- sit still, look pretty by daya is ur song my dear. its all about being strong as a woman and not letting urself be controlled, and ur one of the most independently strong people i have ever seen. ur so outward and open about ur personality and who u r, and i think that u could change the world, no problem. this song is very inspiring to me and so r u. please keep being who u r and please keep changing the world!!!!

owen- the song i chose for u is tempo by lizzo and missy elliot. i think this song gives off like all about that bass vibes except….. MUCH better. this song is very loud and out there and SASSY and so are U. i mean. i can only HOPE to be as much of sass-master as u. also, judging from ur tribe’s music video, ur an incredible dancer and u could work it so hard to this song. id literally pay to see that. ur an icon just like the amazing women who made this song!! (also so sorry this song has the n-word ik thats not good im SORRY)

leigh- alrighty sis, the song i chose for u is might not like me by brynn elliot. u all might not know this song, but its basically ab women being stronger and better than men and just fantastic and general. i think that ur a very strong, independent human being and i absolutely appreciate that. i think that people can be intimidated by u, but that doesnt stop nothing and i honestly respect that more than i can say. i hope u like my choice as much as i do!!

chris o- ok so first of all i just wanna let u know how much i love u bc i dont feel like ive gotten to express that yet and i am just head over heels for u bc UR FUCKING GREAT. ok im done ur song is sweater weather by the neighborhood. i chose this song for u because its very chill and very easy to listen to, and when u hear it, u want to hear it again. i love talking to u so much and ur just such a cool, laid-back person, i absolutely think this song represents how i and probably the general population feels about u. everything about u is just so intoxicating and i hope that u know ur beautiful and dont u ever forget it. just like sweater weather (also its sweater weather ssn so wear ur sweaters ladies!!!!)

matt- ur song is hearts dont break around here by ed sheeran. im not a HUGE fan of ed sheeran, however, this song is just so fucking good to me and idek why, i just love it. I chose this for u bc i think that u make people want to listen to u and u can carry a conversation so well, and i think this song is something u cant just listen to once, u have to listen to it again and again. ed sheeran has such a way with his lyrics just like ubhave such a way w words. ur a delight to talk to and ur very chill and happy and just a great conversationalist in general and i think that this song fits ur vibe and ur energy very well.

stoner- this reason might sound so ridiculous at first but PLEASE here me out. i chose ophelia by the lumineers for u. whenever i used to do drugs everyday i would always listen to the lumineers, but mostly this song, literally on repeat, over and over and over. i think that the vibe is just so comfortable and so easy to listen to, and i think it also bring a bit of chaotic energy with the lyrics at times. i think this fits u bc ur a great person to talk to, i think that u can just be like a chill buddy for anyone u come in contact w, but u also have a crazy side that i just ADORE, just like this song.

michael- ok so i bascially chose the best song in the world (in my opinion) for u. i chose the man who cant be moved by the script actually more because of the lyrics and the story than the vibe (wow crazy i know). i think that u have very dramatic tendencies and u would absolutely do something like wait on a street corner for the love of ur life. ur also very stubborn and determined to do whats right, and i think that a lot of ur personality can be reflected through this song. (also btw this is my favorite song and has been since i was 10 lol plz enjoy)

olivia- OK so last but not least my love olivia!!!! so for u i chose valerie by amy winehouse because it is such a bop of a song and u r a bop of a person. from hearing ur voice on calls and in ur song ab lorelei, i think u would sound…. so good. singing this song. kinda like owen i would totally pay to see u sing this song and im sure u could seduce a beautiful woman w the kinda husky feeling of it. also, santana from glee sang this song, and as of season 4, shes my favorite character and ur one of my favorite people and i also can see the fire that u have and the passion u have for like EVERYTHING in her personality.

for trent, i chose electric love by borns, for jess, i chose sue me by sabrina carpenter, and for myself, i chose bang bang by jessie j, ariana grande, and nicki minaj. i wont go into detail on those bc this is already a very long google doc and we dont need it ANY LONGER tbh.

here is yalls playlist, i hope u like!! https://open.spotify.com/playlist/52ledWulSdLA1u86Q3ImUC

#whenyourfiresout

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survivorbermuda-blog · 6 years

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OWEN’S RITES OF PASSAGE

30th: Constance - ummmm crackt legend????? You were someone I was so shook to see playing these games again. Not really sure what happened or why u had to leave again. But hope you’re doing well!!! Unless you’re actually racist, then I don’t! Xo <3

29th: Mark Wilson - I do not know u but you rlly lucked out of escaping a 70 day season so soon huh

28th: Nick Nox - Thank god you left early bc one Nick was trouble enough for me kdjhjfjsdkfhjd

27th: Joey Palumbo - AHHHH I’m sorry we never got to play together! I was looking forward to talking more. Maybe next time

26th: Elliot Adams - you have a cool name we never were on a tribe together tho rip

25th: Dom Rou - LITERALLY YOU’RE A STUPID HOE?????? You asked me to apply to this game with you, YOU GOT ME INTO THIS MESS, and then you QUIT on me. The beginning of this game was 1000% different with all the talks we had, and I wonder how things would’ve changed if you hadn’t walked when you did. I prob wouldn’t be in f4 lmao so i guess thanks for dragging me into this and then peacing out ily

24th: Lily Lim - LOL Lily <3 You seemed like a really sweet person, even though your timezone made it a little hard to talk. I’m sorry you were the easiest target at that first tribal we went to as a swapped tribe, but the beef between you and Saxon made it the right choice. Hope you’re doin well!

23rd: Madison - ANOTHER QUEEN GOOOOOOOOOOD????? Robbed too soon????? I was so excited to play with you and Dom and then y’all got screwed over by the swap :( I’m sure we’ll play again someday tho

22nd: Julian - Julian!!! Your vote seems so so long ago, I wonder when these will start feeling like things I remember. Unfortunately the tribal divides between us pit us against each other a bit, but I’m glad we got to talk at least a little.

21st: Asya - KJDHJKHFKJSDHFK OK IM SORRY WE DID YOU SO DIRTY??? Dom had so many good things to say about you and I was excited to finally get to meet you and play with you even though he was gone. My wig went flyin real far when you came and snappt at me about telling AJ his name was going around….oops. After that I felt like there wasn’t enough trust left between us :( but now that I am hostin you I hope you forgive me

20th: Saxon - crackt legend????? First idol play of the game??????? Im shaking. You were someone else that I had known before the game started. I know you really really care about the games you’re in and you’re someone who fights as hard as possible, so it was sad to see you go so soon.

19th: Ryan - WOWOOWOW! When we met back on Paget I really thought you were someone who was going to go far with me in this game! I had so much fun talking to you and it was great to finally meet someone new right from the start after playing so many games with people I’d already met. You’re a smart player and a really social guy, and I’m more sad that you didn’t make it than I was about D*M!!!!!! I hope you get another shot at TS and I hope the math is alright lmao

18th: Dylan - idk who this is

17th: Haley - crossroads queen…...I was excited to actually know someone on the Tengaged tribe, even if it didnt help me out very much in the long run lol. Love u!

16th: Blake - We were never on a tribe together some how??? Through all those swaps omg. I’m sorry Maksym snatcht your record tho.

15th: Tee - Queen of Ponderosa…. I hope you’re still doing okay in there, hope they been feedin u well. I was excited to play together, and I really wish it would’ve worked out, but our agendas just ended up on entirely different pages during that first merge vote :( I don’t really know what the problem between you and Matt was, but unfortunately I had to side with someone I had been more loyal to from the start. You’re a queen though!!!! And I hope you’ve enjoyed seeing the game through a juror’s lens this past month!

14th: Sean - Hey Sean!!! You were one of the few Tengaged people I felt I didn’t connect with too much, mostly because the premerge time we spent together we never really went to tribal. I know you were one of the first casualties in a long line of people who left when I wanted it to be Nick… But I liked that you were always there for the tribals, and I feel bad that you went out that way after Nick used his exile :( Hope you’re doin okay!!

13th: AJ - AJ LEGEND!!! I really did love the group we had with Kage, even though my votes over this merge have probably said otherwise. I found myself in a weird position between wanting to work with you, but not wanting to vote out any of the names you gave me, and unfortunately it got to the point where I couldn’t keep protecting as many people as I would’ve liked, especially with Nick immune. I love you though buddy, and I hope we can talk again after this is all over.

12th: Kage - I don’t even know where to start omg. All I can think of is you wearing all of those shirts…. Probably the best thing I have ever seen at a tribal council. At the very start of this game, I never expected you to be someone I worked closely with. When you went around asking everyone where they idol searched, I was initially sketched out by you - but as time went on, I really appreciated having you as someone I could put trust in as the numbers got smaller. I don’t think here is the right place to go over all of the details of why I did what I did the round you left, but I respect everything you tried to do in this game and you’re one of the funniest people I’ve gotten to know from it. Can’t wait to see what shit ur gonna pull at FTC fkjshdfk

11th: Matt - Matthew Summers!!!! It was refreshing to actually get to work together from the start of a game this time, even through the rocky swaps pre-merge. I think of everything, your vote-off is the only one I was truly blindsided by, and I wish it could’ve been another way because talking to you about video games and thirsting over RJ was a refreshing break from all the stress lol. I love you!

10th: Nick - HOLY SHIT NICK!!! The man with nine lives in this game!!! I don’t really know why or how, but at some point I decided you had become my mortal enemy in the game. I think it’s because when we first met, you seemed to be trying to pull the strings a little bit on an alliance between me and some other TG people. Plus your scary poker skills… I immediately saw you as a dominant force, and it scared me to think of having you in the game for as long as you were. You had so many tricks up your sleeve, and you always had me on my toes - you were a huge reason that the merge portion of this game didn’t get stale or boring, and even though I’m happy to have finally conquered my enemy, I hope you’re proud of how well you did!

9th: Maksym - I’m not sure when we decided to work together, but you were someone I had 10000% trust in after those first couple merge votes. Especially when I was getting nervous about something (usually about Tim targeting me), you were at least there to listen. I know the timezone difference made it a little rough, but I’m glad we got to meet here and play together a bit :) I’m sorry you were ROBBED

8th: Rodrigo - I saved this one for last because you are probably the person I have the most to say to, even though I’m not quite sure how to say it. I don’t want to make this public forum into a place for us to hash out our own personal conflict, but I do want you to know that I meant all of the things I said to you out of friendship. You were a close friend to me in this game, and I appreciated that we kept each other safe as long as we could. I know you don’t want to hear it, but when I was given the choice between voting RJ or voting you, I had to side with the person who was willing to vote with me. I so so wish we could’ve made a vote work together that round, and I apologize for not giving you the same honesty in return about me writing your name down - though in hindsight, your idol could’ve done some serious damage that night. I hope you will forgive me for writing your name, because it was 10000% the best game decision for me that night, and it doesn’t reflect at all the way I feel about you outside of this game. And even more than all this game stuff I value your friendship to me. Even when we didn’t vote together, you were a friend, and that meant a lot to me. I love you a lot, and I hope you aren’t too mad at me by now.

7th: RJ - The love of my life….. Wow. When I saw the cast for this, I was SO BLESSED to have someone so hot and so straight on my tribe from the get-go. I love how your laid-back attitude mixes so well with your passion for this game. Even when we were bouncing the craziest ideas off each other, you were never afraid to try anything, and I’m glad we made it as far as we did together. I didn’t expect to ever use that idol on anybody but myself, but the thought of losing you too soon made me do something impulsive and I wouldn’t have done it any other way :) Talk to you soon <3

6th: Jake - I’m really thankful we got to talk in the couples days before you were gone. I know I could’ve done more to approached you on a personal level even after our games didnt quite align, and it was my bad that it took me so long to do so. I hope your Glee rewatch is keeping up, and maybe we’ll get to have a tiny Bermuda reunion if I visit in the fall since we are both gonna be future teachers :)

5th: Lily - It’s so weird to think that the first time we met was all the way back in Malibu. From the blindside in that game, to meeting IRL, to beasting it out in this one together, we’ve come a long way!! You were a phenomenal player this time around - a beast in the challenges, always staying loyal, and still somehow never managing to piss anybody off. I’m sorry that it was you and not me last night, but I know one day you’re gonna come back and snatch the win you deserve!!!

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apsbicepstraining · 7 years

Text

Jordan Shakeshaft, Life by Daily Burn

There was a time a few years back when I couldnt sleep more than four hours a night. I would stay up thinking about work and relationships and looming events. And Id wake in the middle of the night to the panic of a mish-mash of incomprehensible thoughtsor worse, the jagged whisper of my dads last breath. My bed wasnt a place of restorationit was a place of unrest. For someone who loves sleep more than hugs, high fives, and new kicks, this was source of major distress.

My problem wasnt uncommon: generalized anxiety disorder. But, like the other 6.8 million Americans with the scarlet A stamped across our furrowed foreheads, it was just life. And the plight of restless nights? I was in the company of 50 to 70 million. Thankfully, my sleep habits would slowly improve over timebut I could still count on one terrible, no-good, sub-five-hour sleep at least once a week.

Then, just last month I plopped that normal New York existence into a proverbial blender and pressed puree. I was moving to the Wellness-Obsessed Capital of the World: Los Angeles. Despite the immediate assault of sunshine and the purchase of a stupidly expensive new mattress (still worth every penny), I was contending with new work hours, new fears (OMG, driving) and people who seemed so nice (but wait, whats the catch?). Within two weeks I was Googling day spas, yoga studios, and meditation centers like a woman possessed.

RELATED: 8 Signs Youre Way Too Stressed (And How to Deal)

Thats when I came across Dream Reality Cinema in Beverly Hills. Not to be confused with your average popcorn-slinging movie theater, this one plays a single film designed to induce dream meditation. Think: eyes wide open, in a floating state of consciousness. Once students master that form of zen, they can move on to lucid dreaming, or the ability to stay conscious while dreaming. (Yup, that means you can control what happens in your dreams, Inception style.) And thats not all: Some believe you can achieve a higher level of thinking, problem solve more effectively, and tap into a greater world of creativity in such a state.

I made an appointment, and promptly added: Next-level ish to my to-do list.

Lucid Dreaming: The Premise

According to the founders, Hungarian philosopher and human cybernetics researcher Sandor Lengyel and physician Emese Toth, MD, the first step to dream meditation requires a bit of guidance. Thats where their 40-minute film comes in, based on 25 years worth of studies on dreaming, relaxation and meditative techniques.

As with other forms of meditation, dream meditation taps into your present thoughts, sensations and emotions, butyou guessed itin a sleepier state (my forte). And while wide-awake meditation practitioners have to deal with physical stimuli around them, dream meditation does two things differently.

[While dreaming], the brain can freely decide what to do and where to take itself.

First, it removes those outside influences, allowing people to theoretically reach a meditative state more easily. As Lengyel puts it, Lucid dreaming is the perfect meditation, because there is no way for your conscious mind to interfere with the practice. Second, it increases the possibility for growth and change, since certain regions of the brain are more active in a dream-like state. (Namely, parts of the visual cortex, motor cortex and motion-sensory areas deep within the brain, according to some sleep experts.)

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Dr. Toth explains: When we are able to live consciously in our dreams, our colorful, real and memorable dream life can develop and become connected with our wakeful life. All this brain boosting on top of the traditional meditation benefits, like reduced anxiety, improved sleep and increased productivity, to name a few.

RELATED: True Life: 60 Minutes in a Sensory Deprivation Tank

Whats more, theres a healthy dose of Inception to lucid dreaming: The film [thats shown in the studio] provides a precisely engineered brain-regenerating program, says Dr. Toth. More specifically, it flips a switch on natural processes that have otherwise been turned off in our heads, such as the ability to think freely and creatively, she says.

This might be explained by the fact that during sleep-mode, the prefrontal area of the brain becomes less active. This is where logical reasoning resides. [While dreaming], the brain can freely decide what to do and where to take itselfIt can behave naturally and unrestricted because nothing forces it to behave otherwise, Dr. Toth says. What results: Restoration, serenity, invigorationor, well, whatever your heart (or head) desires.

Dream Reality Cinema: The Experience

On the Uber ride to Dream Reality Cinema, I scrolled through the studios testimonials. Unlike anything Ive ever experienced before so relaxing My driver pulled up to the corner and I hopped out. No fluorescent marquee, but the whitewashed boutique was undeniably 90210-chic.

Inside, I checked in with the receptionist, who escorted me to the two-person cinema room. She invited me to take a seat in a cushy, zero-gravity leather chair. (Note to self: BYO meditation date?) It reclined just past 180 degrees, my head a few inches below my feet. My guide requested that my glasses come off. Sorry, but Im blind? Thats OK, she said. The super-fancy wraparound specs came on, and she directed my finger to the adjustable focus so even near-sighted folks like me could see.

Focus, Shakeshaft, you cannot write a story about a fancy nap.

I asked if I could somehow take notes. She chuckled, assuming I was kidding, and handed me a plush blanket to tuck myself in. (She clearly did not know of my ability to text and Instagram in my sleep.) She asked if I need anything elsewater or tea? (Another note to self: BYO Swedish Fish.) I slipped my sandals off as the lights in the room faded to black.

To start the session, newbie lucid dreamers required a primer. A short, animated introduction video offered a few key tips. The first, Just let yourself react freely. Meaning: Do not force yourself to mediate, concentrate or, like this writer did, attempt to take mental notes for her article. When text appears on screen, do not zero in to read the words. Instead, maintain full-screen vision. That is, seeing everything at the same time. As you should do in life, as well, the creators explain. It was 4 p.m. and my brain-slash-life was already foggy from the day. Focus, Shakeshaft, you cannot write a story about a fancy nap.

RELATED: This Is Your Body on Sleep Deprivation

What followed was a winding path of visualizations to coax me into the elusive conscious-yet-dreaming state. At one point I was prompted to imagine I was a tiny pebble falling into a vast body of water. I played along. Falling, falling and, sure enough, the rest gets fuzzy. My expertly-crafted sensory experience (just as I suspected) had turned into a warm and glorious slumber. How long was I asleep? Would the receptionist know?

I peeled my eyelids apart and settled back into the film, as I was coached to do. Positive affirmations floated to the screen. My thoughts drifted over to my new LA life, my people, my kittens, my self-worth, my ability to conquer whatever lies ahead. Basically, my inner Jessica was telling me I can do anything good!

I was conscious, that I knew. But was I getting closer to lucid dreaming mode? I waited patiently for my higher-level abilities to kick in. Mind awake, body asleep. Mind awake, body asleep, I told myself. Just like Elliot from Mr. Robot chanted during his own reality-bending, hyper-woke episodes. But something (possibly my sudden hunger pangs or late-onset fidgeting) told me I wasnt quite there.

Moments later, the film concluded and my trusty guide tiptoed back in.

Mind awake, body asleep. Mind awake, body asleep, I told myself.

Did I like the experience? I think so.

Did I feel different now than when I walked in? Sorta.

Did I manage to find a dream-like meditative state? Definitely maybe?

Like a kid who stole the Butterfinger and knew she had to come clean, I told her I maaayy have fallen asleep. Once. OK twice. Lady, I fell asleep three times. But I swear I didnt mean to!

She reassured me that was totally normal. In fact, most people do on their first visit, she said.

Living in a Dream: The Assessment

During my hour-long session, no, I did not learn how to lucid dream. And I shouldnt have expected to. Dr. Toth explains that lucid dreaming takes many sessions of practice and self-analysis. Only with continued practice will individuals learn to remember, control and eventually unlock valuable information stored deep in the subconscious mind.

The dreaming state gives us permission to allow changes within us and we begin to behave and think differently.

Instead, the dream meditation session teaches you a fundamental skill that you can build upon: [How] to have an active and independent consciousness instead of being a passive follower of someone or something, says Dr. Toth. Those guilty of moving robotically from one day to the next? Shes talking to us.

The dreaming state gives us permission to allow changes within us and we begin to behave and think differently. Sometimes we experience a more evolved way of thinking, a type of expansion, Dr. Toth says. This is where the so-called boost in creativity, memory function, and other positive changes take place.

As for the claims that dream meditation will normalize sleep or stress disorders? For me, TBD. While I did sleep like a champ that night, the founders emphasize that any long-term improvements will require a lengthier commitment.

So is this the ultimate brain hack? Or the most fantastical placebo effect this side of the San Andreas Fault? Maybe it doesnt matter. If youre taking 60 minutes of your day to clear some headspace, that in and of itself might be the win. At least it was for me.

Dream Reality Cinema has two locations: Los Angeles, California, and Budapest, Hungary. The studio currently offers one film, Dream Meditation, but is working on a new program, Active Dreaming, which will delve more deeply into lucid dreaming. Each session is $45 and a monthly unlimited membership is $200.

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apsbicepstraining · 7 years

Text

Jordan Shakeshaft, Life by Daily Burn

RELATED: 8 Signs Youre Way Too Stressed (And How to Deal)

I made an appointment, and promptly added: Next-level ish to my to-do list.

Lucid Dreaming: The Premise

[While dreaming], the brain can freely decide what to do and where to take itself.

Thank You!

You are now subscribed to the Daily Digest and Cheat Sheet. We will not share your email with anyone for any reason.

RELATED: True Life: 60 Minutes in a Sensory Deprivation Tank

Dream Reality Cinema: The Experience

Focus, Shakeshaft, you cannot write a story about a fancy nap.

RELATED: This Is Your Body on Sleep Deprivation

Moments later, the film concluded and my trusty guide tiptoed back in.

Mind awake, body asleep. Mind awake, body asleep, I told myself.

Did I like the experience? I think so.

Did I feel different now than when I walked in? Sorta.

Did I manage to find a dream-like meditative state? Definitely maybe?

Like a kid who stole the Butterfinger and knew she had to come clean, I told her I maaayy have fallen asleep. Once. OK twice. Lady, I fell asleep three times. But I swear I didnt mean to!

She reassured me that was totally normal. In fact, most people do on their first visit, she said.

Living in a Dream: The Assessment

The dreaming state gives us permission to allow changes within us and we begin to behave and think differently.

The post appeared first on apsbicepstraining.com.

from WordPress http://ift.tt/2vV4Gwy via IFTTT

#IFTTT #WordPress

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apsbicepstraining · 7 years

Text

Jordan Shakeshaft, Life by Daily Burn

RELATED: 8 Signs Youre Way Too Stressed (And How to Deal)

I made an appointment, and promptly added: Next-level ish to my to-do list.

Lucid Dreaming: The Premise

[While dreaming], the brain can freely decide what to do and where to take itself.

Thank You!

You are now subscribed to the Daily Digest and Cheat Sheet. We will not share your email with anyone for any reason.

RELATED: True Life: 60 Minutes in a Sensory Deprivation Tank

Dream Reality Cinema: The Experience

Focus, Shakeshaft, you cannot write a story about a fancy nap.

RELATED: This Is Your Body on Sleep Deprivation

Moments later, the film concluded and my trusty guide tiptoed back in.

Mind awake, body asleep. Mind awake, body asleep, I told myself.

Did I like the experience? I think so.

Did I feel different now than when I walked in? Sorta.

Did I manage to find a dream-like meditative state? Definitely maybe?

Like a kid who stole the Butterfinger and knew she had to come clean, I told her I maaayy have fallen asleep. Once. OK twice. Lady, I fell asleep three times. But I swear I didnt mean to!

She reassured me that was totally normal. In fact, most people do on their first visit, she said.

Living in a Dream: The Assessment

The dreaming state gives us permission to allow changes within us and we begin to behave and think differently.

The post appeared first on apsbicepstraining.com.

from WordPress http://ift.tt/2vV4Gwy via IFTTT

#IFTTT #WordPress

0 notes