#she doent even realize shes doing it

[azaraspirit]

i stfg my mom is fluent in gas lighting.

me: *makes a sandwich despite it being 11pm*

mom: *looks at my plate* thats a lot if bread to be eating this late (i made a sandwich out of a fresh loaf of bread from the store so the slices are thicker)

me: i dont remember asking your opinion

mom: youre gonna get fat

me: 🫠

[crqelsummer]

saving the more coherent thoughts for later bc this i what im workin with post-PLW watch binge lmao. all about saeka during the PLW arc

currently thinking about saeka, doing her due diligence to protect everyone even as everything's going to shit because she has to

being the only one to chase after shoto because goddammit she was not letting her brother back out of her sight. shes really starting to see him for who he is at this point -- a fledgling hero just like herself. not the twin she was born to be replaced by. the brother and companion that he shouldve been to her all these years.

i imagine at some point while shoto was booking it through the already destroyed streets he's struggling to keep up his ice to travel faster and saeka finally finally looks at him as an equal -- and reaches out a hand to him to pull him along with her on her own icy path

"dammit shoto, take my hand! we'll get there together faster!"

hes able to use his fire as propulsion and her already mastered ice quirk makes them that much faster on the scene.

their combo move, frostburn, is sort of what he pulled off at the sports festival? but stronger because he has some decent control over his fire now and hes able to pour more power into it when its saeka that's doing the ice half of it. it can do some real damage, and they know exactly what they're doing when they arrive.

do i think about how much touya's death affected shoto? yes. but im also currently thinking about how it affected saeka, seeing the shifting in power between elder brother and new masterpiece -- and how she thinks she relates to touya so much

because you know, she was the spare for so long in her life. she's the opposite of touya, where her ice quirk was so powerful that it meant she shouldve been her father's champion. but she wasnt because he was really after what would eventually become shouto's quirk.

i mean, she looks just like him before he died.

which i also think that enji wanted her out of training so bad because he saw not one but two failures in her. the stark white hair of her mother and brother after so much stress and the piercing blue eyes that would haunt him for the rest of his life.

i think saeka created such a parasocial relationship as a child and even into adolescence with touya that she's just. stunned??? when he does his big reveal because she thought touya was a nice person, someone who just wanted to be a hero so bad he was willing to die for it. but he's a villain. someone's whos killed. someone who's still trying to kill even now.

is this the brother she wishes was around for so long? the murderer, the one who's threatening to kill their father -- kill shouto?

and i think thats a real moment of realization for saeka because she has to kill this image of touya that shes held onto like a vice for her whole life. because he was everything to her, someone who could relate to her pain and struggle in a way natsuo, fuyumi and shouto couldn't.

or at least, she thought he could.

maybe dabi calls to her. shouts out to her that he's just like her. forgotten and dumped away for shouto. calls to her that theyre one and the same. brother and sister. that she could be on his side.

and i genuinely think dabi does think of saeka in some type of way. he hates shouto for what shouto represents to him but saeka isnt an obstacle. a possible ally even, though i think even some part of him knows he doent want her on the other end of this battle.

and she quiet for so long until he launches an attack at endeavor and she leaps into action to protect him with an ice wall even he cant burn through. and shes just there, glaring at him with all the bravery that a sixteen year old cryokinetic can -

'i'm NOTHING like you, you monster!'

hes taken aback by this long enough that shouto can get a decent hit in. then jeanist, before he can launch prominence burn.

i think she comes out of that fight less hurt than anyone really expected but shes there to back up shouto at every turn almost. she cant fly, so shes stuck on ground duty and immobilizing as many nomus as possible. a few toss her around like a ragdoll but its here shes moving faster, further, creating more ice than she thought possible. the fire from her brothers is able to cool her that she can keep working for as long as possible, but i think either a nomu or machia gets a good hit in on her, snapping a rib or two clean in half

[zatyrlucy]

Even though I felt bad for Charlie when everybody (expect for Vaggie) laugh at her in the news station scene, I felt like it was for her own good. I felt like she was so caught up in the hotel she didn’t think things fully through like cleaning up the hotel, how Angel would break the rules, and more importantly how people react upon it or how to fully reform demons.

Since Viv said that the characters are going to get hit with reality, I felt like it happened with Charlie first since she realize it’s going to take more than just singing to reform demons.

Charlie is in a big bubble of ignorance and naiveness but its not her fault. Its very possible that her parents kept her away from the reality of hell for many many years, centuries. So she doent know how sinners behave and is dangerously optimistic about everything. It was a matter of time for something to go wrong. And as I said before, Vaggie is there, but her help is clearly not enough to keep Charlie safe from the truth reflected in the sinners’ behavior. 

It was good that she learned her lesson, sadly in the hard way, but still. What makes me worry is that she got over it sooo quickly. As soon as Alastor started to do his magic, Charlie totally forgot about all her problems. I guess that bubbly and optimistic she is. If this keeps like that she will never learn anything. Maybe Alastor will help her to disguise that crude reality with dance and songs but Im sure Charlie will be hit by the truth at any time, especially if Alastor ends up betraying her. 

Charlie is definately the easiest one to guess what “her reality” is gonna be. As you say, is that she will see that hell is not how she imagines it, same for heaven. Meanwhile my theories for the others are that Angel Dust is going to realise he is in deep sh*t and wont be able to solve it alone; Alastor is lonely and will learn that power will not fill the emptyness that he hides with a smile; Husk is an alcoholic and Nifty...I guess she has dependency problems. Vaggie is the only one who I have no idea what her reality could be, it will be related to Charlie, but idk how exactly. 

[ravenerdhogwartsincorrectquotes]

hey! it says in your description that i can talk to u so here i am.....

i am slowly starting to realize that i am bisexual but i cant tell anyone...i really want to tell my best friend but i know it will result in her being different to me...and i have no one else to tell...and i may also be in love with my other bestfriend..but i know she doesn't like me that way.....i am stressed out....i want to scream. sorry.

Hey, Sorry I am not sure if you just wanted to vent, or if you wanted me to respond, but in case you wanted me to respond I'll try my best.

In terms of coming out, I think it should always be on your own terms. Always what you are comfortable with, and feel safe doing. Never come out because you feel like you are obligated to. Your saftey and comfort come above all else. Deciding to stay closeted is perfectly okay. It doesn't mean that you are any less lgbt. It also doent make you a horrible person for not disclosing every part of your life to everyone. You are allowed to keep things to yourself (any things) if it makes you comfortable. (unless it is activley causeing harm to someone)

If you have thought about it and really do want to come out, you should find the best way for you to do it.

Personally I've never done the whole sit down and "we need to talk" it was too much stress. When I came out first to people, I told people whom I trusted first. I started by introducing them to the idea of liking other genders and being other genders. After that whenever my labels changed I just gave them a little update, just like if I were saying

"Oh I've started looking at dance studios" "oh that's cool" "yea!" *convo continues*

I was really lucky to have understanding friends, And for my parents I just sort of let them pick up on it such as pride flags. But only because I knew it was safe. If I were ever to "offically" it would probably just go like "Hey, here's my partner".

For sharing my gender I told them I changed my name, and then let them find my social media with my pronouns.

This may have seem like a lot of talking about me, but I wanted to show you that there are other ways to come out than the standard way.

Some of them are:

Letter - I find convos hard to start so whenver I have smth really important to tell someone, I may write them a letter. This allows you to perfectly script out what you want to say, and make sure you put in everything you want to say. The cons of this, is sometimes it is more awkward afterward, people may want to talk tou you in person and may been offended you hadnt felt like oyu could talk to them, and you cant guage their reaction (ei: the letter could be accidentally patronising or confusing)

Taking a long walk - For some it is easier to talk to someone when you dont have to look at them or when you are moving, It also makes it feel more casual then sitting down. You can say "Could we go on a walk, I have smth to tell you" It doesnt have to be a complicated walk, I prefer loops, around a playground, feild, park or smth.

Zoom call - You could scedule a zoom call. This makes it easier because if it gets too awkward you can lie and say "Oh sorry I have got something else to do" (the lies would have to be edited to be convinceing. For me, my go to is "Sorry my mom's calling me" or "sorry, I've got to go babysit, ttyl" that way you can exit the conversation quickly.

There are also many other ways to come out to people and you may want to do reserch on some.

Note- It will be difficult the first couple times. Even if you know they will accept and love you, it's hard. Even if you find the most perfect, most YOU way to do it. It's hard to share a part of yourself, esspecially when you know there is a chance of rejection and getting hurt.

Next: Confessing to someone.

I am Basically Aromantic, and I am also Ace, so my advice may no be the best on this.

1. Come out to them first. Gauge their reaction. If they react badly, I am sorry, but they aren't right for you if they cant accept you. (while you're at it, you could ask if they are also lgbt, or have ever thought about it?)

2. Make sure that your feelings are real. (sorry if this is offensive) A lot of baby gays or people who are figuring themselves out, tend to confuse feelings a lot. Make sure what you feel for them doesnt change, that you actually like them that way. Also that you havent used "process of elimination" or anything else. It is cvery confusing but if it turns out that you confessed and they like you, but you end up realising you arent ready for it or are insecure, it can be really hurtful.

3. Figure out whats the best way to continue. What do you know about them? Do they like small and personal or Grand and public? A lot of people make the mistake of going to big. You shouldnt go Big, you should go Special. Show with you actions that you know what they like (chocolate vs flowers) it will go much better. Again, use a format for confessing that makes not only you, but them also feel comfortable, You dont want them to feel trapped or pressured.

4. Confess. I've got barely anything on this part. I think, above all, be honest. And dont pressure them to feel the same way, but other than that it really depends on you.

--------------------------------------------

Circling back to the beggining,

You DO NOT have to come out if you:

Don't want to

Don't feel safe doing so

Don't feel comfortable

Would rather not

For any reason just don't want to

It is not some rite of passage, you don't need to come out to be lgbt.

You say that you are stressed. but also that you dont have anyone to come out to.

You may want to explore online to find some people to be out to anonomously, if you really want to come out but dont feel safe.

I think you should come out if you TRULEY want to. Find the way that's best for you, and do it. Know the risks, but you should get to be happy and live out and free, if you really want to.

I may seem like I am trying to discurage you, but honestly, I just want you to be safe. I want you to be happy. I want you to feel good in your life. That may mean coming out, it may mean beling closeted.

Do what works for you.

And fuck anyone who gets in your way or tells you otherwise.

Good luck!

- Ravenerd

[spaceshipkat]

i love ur blog but somtimes i feel like u are nitpicking a little too much at s/jm. and this just doent go out for you but many antis. maybe not try decode the woman so much. just a thought. idk. sorry if im being too rude

i mean, it’s not so much decoding her as looking at the evidence she provides us in her work and making conclusions from that. she has proven in her books time and again that she doesn’t value POC or queer people as anything more than “diversity points” or cannon fodder for her cishet white characters. she did it as early as c0m by killing Nehemia to further alien’s plot, and then did it again in h0f with Sorscha to further Dorian’s plot. yes, i can see she’s trying to do better, as she has included more diversity in CCity than her previous books, but the way she includes it proves she either doesn’t care or hasn’t internalized anything from the inclusive content she consumes. if she had, she wouldn’t have written Juniper’s introduction as black in the way that she did. here’s the direct quote:

someone who has done research and learned and listened and knows how not to write POC wouldn’t do this ^^^ and yes we all make mistakes, but sj///m is someone who absolutely has access to sensitivity readers, if she needs them (and trust me, she does), who could have easily caught this. so this kind of content proves to me she doesn’t really care about how she includes us; her diverse rep is half-assed bc she wants to get antis off her case (and this was obvious back when she made Mor a lesbian; there was a ton of setup for Mor and Azriel to be a thing, but then someone at blooms clearly made her realize she needs some form of rep, so she took Mor and changed her without realizing what exactly she was doing in the process. Mor since became the embodiment of queer pain, a trope that’s rampant in a lot of fiction, and was written so lazily it’s clear sj///m didn’t care to make it clear enough that people won’t be up-in-arms over whether or not she’s bi or a lesbian—which is something stans get angry at antis over, since we call her a lesbian thanks to how she acts, looks, and feels after sleeping with a cis man) and thinks throwing us scraps will be enough to shut us up.

as should be obvious, it isn’t enough. no one can expect me, a queer person, or any other anti, most of whom are marginalized in some way, to be happy with scraps. so it’s not that i’m decoding sj///m or making wild accusations or even baseless conclusions (not that you accused me of that! just covering my bases). i’m looking at what she gives us as proof of what she thinks of us (and since she’s so absent on social media, we’re forced to use her books to figure out how she feels about any given thing), and making conclusions based on that.

[merrch]

there was a night i was coming home from work not to long ago ad i skated pass many people they were all new to the sport so normally i try my hardest to go right past them and go home i just had worked a twelve hour shift but the i skated past aparking garage. although i had more work to do the second i got home i decied i was gonna skate down it even thought it was out of my way from home. the second the opening came into view i saw a person dressed in all grey close to the same color of the parking garage i skated closer. in my mind i had deceed i could not skate down that i was just gonna skate right past her and go home but then she began to speak at first i did not fully understand as if she was speaking some other languange but in the manner she was speaking english instanly add to her character. her accent was intressting. her first words to me were ''how do you slide around like that'' i didnt understand at first because i did do any sort of sliding trick then i realized she was talking riding a skateboard in genral. it felt like a perfectly made trap her look her eyes her word was perfectly made to attract me. i helped her balance by holding her weight and there was no second thought no second feeling of guilt or worry or anxiety. i guess its because she wasnt trying to swoon me but also because i saw american groups that seemed like she strayed from or maybe even white people. that parking garage isnt pretty nor that use full the ground isnt the best and the only real thing to do there is go down so its. newer skaters seem to avoid it not being used to the speed adept skaters who knew the basics and bare minimal of balancing skated down a couple of time but seeing her there was very interising. so i stopped and helped. I understand how to teach a person to learn getting them used to the balance and th efoot placement. so teaching anoyone else it doent give me that feeling of dringing cold water after working all day. it might be a big reward but it was very very refreshing. her hand helded mind i knew she wasnt affected by america media so i was ok with getting closer to her. but i was raised her girls being close does give me chills. holding her hand felt hard like a rock like iron like the hands of worker but they were soft and morsterised reminded me of my mothers hands. and instantly have me several memories of my mother and made me wish i held her hand more and how i was kid i would avoid having physical contact with her. i know why avoided her also because spankings was a norm less hugging. but i do ... faintly hugging my mother i remeber hugging my grand mother more than my own mother but then i realized i was silent for a moment not teaching so i spoke on her foot placement hoping she would understand . i remember telling her where to put her foot and she couldnunderstand some of the words i was saying it made more attracted i didnt get frustrated mostly because she was smiling also and wasnt getting frustrated either. her face was covered in acne but i kept staring her her big smile had me in a trance. she fell from poor foot placement and she said '' its ok im alright thats the first step of learning it will be hard at first it alwasy is but i just need to practice'' my soul could have melted out of my chest down to floor like candle wax my heart was burning like it has never burn before. before it used to alwasy burn but more like coal train. as if the fire always had to be on or else it would end. but now it felt like a ragging forest fire showing its true full power not holding back. i took a long breath and spoke gently and helped her up each time and taught her more and more and she was close and skate too and frow i began to feel as if this were a fantasy i was in awe for a moment and time few by. but my brain clicked back on and responsibilities rested ever gently yet heavily back on my shoulders. quite literally when i had to pick back up my back pack i felt the intese weight that i had to carry and she for second reminded of when i didnt have to carry anything all and i could just ber alive

[kihratsu]

Outrageous: Brazilian singer mocks girl with cancer at Disney World

It is with absolute regret that I watched a video from the singer MC GUI, whose real name is Guilherme Kaue Castanheira Alves, where he and some friends makes fun of a little girl who is sitting a few seats behind theirs.

The little girl has cancer and is dressed as the character Boo from the movie Monsters, Inc, and she realizes that she is being ridiculed and is clearly embarrassed, because she doesn't need to know Portuguese to see when someone is making fun of someone else.

Her sad face is heartbreaking.

It is absolutely outrageous that a boy is laughing while making some nasty comments humiliating not only a child, but a child who is battling a disease that can kill her and is still filming it! He even realizes that he is embarrassing her and still post the video on the internet, on his Instagram Stories! Where, because he is a singer, has millions of followers, with people who might even consider him a digital influencer..

It is absolutely OUTRAGEOUS!!!.

He already deleted the video from his stories, but many people have seen it and is angry with the singer’s attitude who had already 2 shows canceled and lost some sponsors. But in my opinion this isn’t enough.

As a Brazilian I must say that this video made me sick, how can anyone in their right mind laugh at a sick child ?!

And even if she wasn't sick, how could anyone like to ridicule someone else?!!

Can you imagine the thought of that poor child at that moment? or her parents who were paying for a fun ride so that their daughter could forget at least for a while about the problems and pain of chemotherapy and then such a jerk appears and laughs at her!

I will not put the video attached out of respect for the girl, but who wants to see the video just look for MC GUI Bullying DISNEY on youtube. The original video is 19 seconds long which proves that you don't need much time to hurt someone's happiness.

Among the comments that are said in the video, besides the loud and mocking laughs are phrases like "I‘m at Disney and look at this" and "looks like it came out of a horror movie" .

Apparently the little girl's name is Jully and she suffers from leukemia.

On twitter they are using #JullyPrincessInDisneyworld to try to get Disney to notice this.

That jerk who doesn't even deserve to be called a human being because he doesn't have the least respect and empathy with other people, he deserves to be punished.

As for the little girl, she deserves to know she's wonderful.

That she is a great warrior and that she deserves all the best in her life.

We all face problems that other people don't even know about.

Please, Always be kind and respectful of who crosses your path, you don't know what that person may be going through

------

Em português

Antes de entrar no trabalho, vi uma reportagem onde o cantor MC GUI, ou  Guilherme Kaue Castanheira Alves, esta tirando sarro de uma criança sentada alguns bancos atras de onde ele e um grupo de amigos estão.

A menininha que esta vestida da personagem Boo do filme Monstros SA percebe que esta sendo ridicularizada e fica visivelmente constrangida. Ninguem precisar saber português (ou ter o minimo de inteligencia) pra perceber que obviamente estão zoando sua aparência.

E gente, a cara de tristeza da criança naquele momento é de partir o coração.

Pensar que alguém em sã consciência esta rindo de uma criança, uma criança que ainda esta visivelmente lutando contra uma doença grave e ainda esta gravando, dando zoom, percebe que esta deixando ela sem graça e continua rindo e ainda tem coragem de postar no stories do instagram onde por ser um cantor ele tem fãs e é seguido por milhões de pessoas que possivelmente vêem nele um modelo a ser seguido.

Gente, isso é REVOLTANTE!!!

Ele obviamente ja apagou o video de seu stories, mas muito gente ja viu e esta revoltado com a atitude de cantor que inclusive teve 2 shows cancelados e perdeu alguns patrocinadores. Mas na minha opinião isso é muito pouco ainda.

Como brasileira devo dizer que este vídeo me fez passar mal, como pode alguém em sã consciência rir de uma criança doente?!

E mesmo se ela não estivesse doente, como alguém pode gostar de ridicularizar outra pessoa?!!

Imagine o pensamento daquela pobre criança, ou os pais que estavam pagando por um passeio divertido para que sua filha pudesse esquecer pelo menos por um tempo do sofrimento e da dor da quimioterapia e de repente aparece um babaca deste e acaba com o dia dela.

 Aparentemente o nome da menininha é Jully e ela sofre de leucemia.

No twitter estão usando a #JullyPrincessInDisneyworld para chamar a atenção da Disney para o caso de cyberbullying.

 Esse rapaz, que não merecia nem ser chamado de ser humano porque ele não tem o mínimo de respeito e empatia com outras pessoas, merece ser punido.

Eu não vou colocar o video em anexo por respeito a menina, mas quem quiser ver o video basta procurar por MC GUI Bullying DISNEY no youtube. O video original é o que tem 19 segundos, o que prova que você não precisa de muito tempo para acabar com a alegria de alguém.

Quanto a menininha, ela merece saber que ela é maravilhosa.

Que Ela é uma grande guerreira e que ela merece tudo de bom na vida dela.

    Todo nós enfrentamos problemas que outras pessoas nem imaginam.

Por gentileza, Seja sempre gentil e tenha respeito com quem cruza o seu caminho, você não sabe o que aquela pessoa pode estar passando.

[flxwersandgxld]

some musings about kouyou strength under cut

despite fighting so few many times on screen i feel like kouyou could stand on equal grounds, if not flat out beat majority of the cast. im completely biased towards her of course but PLEASE consider:

mori acknowledges her strength. he himself said that he doesnt have the power to stop kouyou if she wanted to leave, and i personally perceived his words in a way that meant: even as boss of the mafia he doent have the power to stop her / trying to stop her wasnt worth all the lives that would be lost in the effort to keep her

she knows pain. i aint talking about emotional / mental pain, shes got tolerance for those too but im talking about being able to take physical hits. kyouka is shown to physically strong enough to lift a sewer top like its nothing, getting attacked by her would suck but kouyou still grabbed a sword barehanded when kyouka tried to stab her. im willing to bet that kyouka can fight against a grown man and win, so kouyous WAAYY up there in terms of non-ability strength. not genetically-modified-hunting-dogs high, but shes def up there

assuming that kouyou trained chuuya when he joined the mafia, she has to be able to keep up with him. she wouldnt win in an ability based fight but in a hand-to-hand, no abilities  no items final destination smash ball only battle she would make chuuya work. without a doubt shes beaten chuuya before when he was younger, and while its a lot more difficult to go up against him now shes not gonna just let him get better than her, so shes at least as good he is without powers.

shes sneaky and doesnt need to tell golden demon what to do. first meeting with atsushi? golden demon easily pinned him down without a word. he was using his ability to jump at her, and he still got gotted. not as fast as he is later on in series but still fast enough that a normal person wouldnt be even able to track him, and thats kouyou without speaking. 

[[ BSD S3 SPOILERS ]] expanding on above, tanizaki didnt realize she was in the room with him when he went to kill mori. its shown multiple times that hes terrifying when pissed off and a capable assassin, but he still got caught by kou. not to mention that she can make golden demon attack to quickly that you cant escape in a closed room? queen [[ END OF SPOILERS ]]

[[ SLIGHT MANGA SPOILERS ]] shes tricked the special ability department before. it was with mafia money yeah but her acting was a pivotal part to the whole operation. shes not on the same level of foreseeing as dostoevsky + dazai, but she can dupe nearly anyone if she can get the department. so far only mori and dost have tricked them before, with mimic case and the attack on the department chief respectively, so holy shit kouyou is good. [[ END OF SPOILERS ]]

TL;DR: kouyou should be rightfully feared because god damn

[misterbitches]

@flootweed ​

ATOTS

That's super fucking romantic? Like tragic but in a nice way. i love that shit. i'm a monogamous slut for romance pghiosuag even tho we have to learn to live alone too but it's just like the NOTION is nice?!??! awwww i told my mom that SOPHIE's gf was like "she died taking a picture of the moon" and how it was like idk. the gf was just processing it and she thought it was romantic and my mom was like "wow.....depressing" bc think she thought it was stupid millenial shit i was like no mother doent u see she died in the BEAUTY LMAO but then i told her jessica walter's husband died the year before and then she died and she was like "aw...kind of romantic" LMAOOOO i guess two people have to die. why did i tell this story? i am so sorry. the show ended today right (ep 10?) i didn't realize it was that short. so i hope it was a happy ending? (tell me) i understand why you love the atmos! it's like, not really been done. there's this BL that i hear isn't too great but it does take place in a rural part of thailand and there's way less budget. a lot of ppl seem to like it. ep 6 LW / LW in gen gotta be honest, rushed through it. i knew spoilers from jump cause BL spoilers are just absolutely nothing and sometimes ur just like i need to know. i do not understand the ~silently lookin 4 u~ trope it always backfires and is also DUMB. so happy about tiffy. a girl who likes girls but ends up with a man bc of mommy and also the man is ok....it's me. she's gorgeous and actually [h*lf] gay so it's great. god ok i feel so old again. lmaooo but i was like obsessed with lady gaga for that reason (dont ask...also how i got kinda popular on tumblr way back in the day) and shes just absolutely fucking beautiful and bad ass. (which kind of doesnt helpcos they r all skinnty but that's FINEEEE) right? i mean like i guess cos we knew abt it? i can see why he was so pissed off, too? i mean i'm so fucking like...sensitive to being told what to do so i was angry for him from jump. i guess i was also looking at it different wholetime cos i knew the spoilers? i'm assuming u did too lmao. so we knew hed be pissed and leave. and frankly that's what sib gets. just for you my friend i will watch it and update. i think MANY times in shows in gen but it is something you notice a lot in BL bc they are just absolute novices most times. in this case, gene's actor mostly well (and i like him as a person just cos he was on that thai 3 girls in a car show and used to date on eof them lmao) can act so i will look over that scene to see how sib's actor plays off him. but the pausing in between sentences or for so long even decent actors or actors doing better. kao is not bad, not great so they will talk slowly because dramatic acting but the problem is most times it's too long. even if the person is an adept actor it won't always work and YES THEN THAT MEANS THE EDITOR COMES IN AND SNIP SNIP SNIP! it's too long. and sometimes it just does not work even if you can act. but it is GLARING when they cant or are average (someoe said this about tharntype and my god lmao tharn..is...so...slow...in...talking...the actor idk his name it's one of em, the other one with the nose (type) is....different not better but he certainly does not talk as slow. they arent bad but they are not good so.) also sometimes they are forgetting their lines. some ppl find this charming. clearly we do not lmao. what is their relation? what is going on there? i don't have a problem with stepbrothers as long as they didn't grow up with that sibling bond. many times blended families really have to watch out for that kind of fraternizing but it's always when theyre older and teenagers bc they didnt grow up w/ each other....i mean they have chemistry so i'm whatever. but. hennYYWAYYYS.actually it's bc im an idiot i didn't read it as Mhok (singular) and aey's father. Yes and his sister who i think i may hate? im like bitch okkkkkk but. his name is lhong. and he is a psycho. i mean so is type. so. oooh it could be that he stole! but also i'm pretty sure cos hes gay lol or did they

not make that explicit? the thing is i had to skip through most of that scene too because the drama was WAY too much for me. too much. lmao. the sister thing i got and it made sense and iliked that. oh yea he is gay and they know. that's a big one.

WBL

haven’t watched color rush! did you like it? i have seen wyel, parts of mr heart, and ofc to my star :) 

ohhhhhh ok. i get you. yea he definitely wasn’t being ooc cos i think that....what u said. and also like....ugh i cant even think rn. i like sam lin a lot so i like gao shi de but i gotta say. lmao. hm. first of all. yes it is creepy what he did. it’s fucking weird. and sad that his whole life revolves around him. it’s not as fucking weird as LW but still like when he did the door thing. i was like UMMMMMMMMM cos i really didnt want it to be constructed. and when it was i was like imma suspend my disbelief. but if anyone dared...

and so what he did in s2 i think he just couldnt realize that he was loved back which is why it’s good he WAS ALONE for 5 yrs imo. but he gave shu yi 0 choice and for that i am pretty sure i would be even angrier. i do think though that the father’s role is pretty important but i can see how the show is like....letting that go? bc as fucking weird as GSD is, he was still like...20? i guess and shu yi’s dad is like. crazy? i am also like he really had to fucking start a company to get noticed like are u joking? is it also that easy? and also why? lmao i just. ugh. i think that probs bothered me the most...priorities.

i like the show! well idk if i love it but sure. i think it’s decent lmao. i understand what you’re saying. for here it bothers me less but i certainly don’t think it was OOC. immature and stupid but like...that’s.....what they are. i also don’t have a problm with the timing from a technical point.

however, when i started the show? i had NO clue what concept of time it was. and that was very annoying. tehy redeemed it bc of the comedy aspects (the first time shu yi sees shi de is so fucking good, i really loved the shot and editing; it’s hilarious and silly) and i started to go with the flow of the show through that. but the fucking concept of time in the show in general esp with repetitive outfits (i understand that they are more likely to wear multiple outfits as well, it’s just that you have to split it up or it i sconfusing visually and looks like the same scene twice or just a full day of shooting which it could be but then something should change in the clothes. this is just an ex~~*~*) and partof that is they have this already controlled narrative i guess. 

i have to admit as well...i skipped episode 1. and most of 2. i was like i rly dont want to see someone slap a pereson even if they were like. not together. it’s just not cute also not in front of ppl. and then when they were yelling and bla bla i was like listen ladies lets calm down. too much angst in a boring way. what they have now is good. also they should probably like estrange the father but i doubt they will. 

i cannot make up my mind totally now bc i see what ur saying i guess i just don’t feel that way as much but i guess i have to think about it more, too. i do think he was contorlling in getting him or like when he didnt want shu yi to find out whwatshisface liked him. i guess for me it would be if he is still that way in the rship. but even tho he’s at fault for what happened, i’m also like but his dad? but also like...did he try? why did he just stop contacting? but then i guess he emailed everyday? DO U C MY QUANDARY.

alsoi have to say i do not care abt their backdoor being opened lmao like wow business? no thanks

LMAO. did they cry a lot in UWMA? i only know the teamwin parts. which one is fluke the really pale one who died? idk what it is about that kid but i just cant watch him. it’s not his fault it’s mine.

DUDE i still dont understand the husband and wife thing and ive looked into it multiple times. ive kinda just classified it as one of those things that make me uncomfortable but arent problematic lol. it you have any insight about it id love to hear it tho !!

it’s stupid. that’s what it is (husband and wife.) it’s just something they say like many gay couples may use pejoratives in conjunction with them, the f word etc. or even imply something about being a top and a bottom. whatever. but these arent gay spaces or gay storylines. sure gay men may direct them but since BL operates and relies on patriarchy without a doubt and also stereotypes poorly kathoeys or won’t cast trans women in anything substantial and use them as jokes (and see this is one of those things where it’s like...ud never see this in the US tho like our concept of third gender or kathoeys but life stillBOOOOO.) so it’s just useless when they put it into the scripts because it’s for people to consume and lots of girls are. obviously. so the idea that if you are being penetrated and u r the wife and this is used like literally anywhere but not from gay or whatever men is gross. are cis women’s vaginas sieves to them? are trans women not women? do we have to categorize people by PHALLIC OBJECTS IN OUR BODIES SPECIFICALLY A WOMAN? it dont make no sense. plus really most ppl just experiment, there’s more ways than one to have sex, we have lives so most times it’s not just full penetration for hours anyway. it’s just so gross. like oh that’s really funny lol ur the wife cos his dick goes in ur butt XD i get it, same. i say “i’m wife’ whenever there’s a penis in me. fucking kill me. it’s not a big deal but it’s just dumb and gross. if they use it they could try and subvert it too like i like how my engineer has  a whole absurdly stupid episode about it. but in TT the dad says “if ur the wife i wont accept it” and i was like u know what gals? im good. goodbye.

pgojaihousgajigko THAT’S SOOOOOOO OOWIEOFUGHOIJ WEIRD. FANDOM IS REALLY WEIRD. i have read rpf and written it once upon a time but dont do it anymore  uch. i mean it’s weird. no doubt about that. invasive, weird, strange. but very unreal anyway. it is. plus i dont like celebs or fame and think of it as a gross capitalist scheme so i had to stop (also so weird?) but i know very many people like lean in. lean in. LEAN IN. this youtuber i watch did a video on like insanely popular ships (like that 1d one) and their insane fandoms and i just couldnt. it’s so embarrassing? and then they’re so bold????? about it? 

yea it would be cool (more queer men or visibly we should say or like out whatever.) but it doesnt necessarily mean that will be good or beneficial i guess? i mean like. i dont know. so much about the genre is about wish fulfilment for young girls. its literally selling some fantasies because the other thing is for BL (i read a paper on this...) esp for girls in more conservative societies they cna maybe replace themselves in the character? but they may not feel a threat as a woman or like their life will fall apart if they engage in sexual things with anyone really. and that’s where i’m like....for a lot of these are they just writing a story and just replacing two men? bc they also seem to think it owrks like that. and in a way that’s what it is bc of the writing and how they use certain terms. you can tell the piece is about pushing a product and less about the real affects of a story. i think ITSAY is a great example of a really intelligent great piece of work that contains multitudes. and the girl was amazing. it just depends on the goal. and for most of the ppl the goal isnt...to do anything. so i dont know. idk how to talk abt representation anymore. it both is and isnt.

 i really liked tingting from my engineer a lot (idk if u have seen) she’s so fun and unapologetic. i love how much she drinks and if someone tells her to be ladylike she says no. and i appreciate that in the show when girls were rude to her she said nothing about the girls but said “NO IM NOT LUCKY TO HAVE ALL MALE FRIENDS?” i really want to see her more in the next season. obviously tiffy is goat. super excited to see how their rship develops.

[ellanainthetardis]

prompt : (After the war)haymitch hasnt touched effie in monthes ( because he doent want to scare her , so (even with all her scars)effie buys lingrie and tries to seduce him. Shes afraid he doenst want her but its opposite

Here goes [X]

Reaching Out

Haymitch was dozing off.

The popping of the logs in the fireplace hadbeen lulling him to sleep for a while now, the dark prints of his book wereblurring together and the glass of liquor in his hand was dangerously tiltingtoward the floor.

He could hear the faint honking of the geese inthe backyard, the tired humming of electric appliances in the kitchen and thefamiliar cracking of the fire. He loved those background noises. They werepeaceful to him.

It was late enough that he might considertrying to go to bed.

The creaking of the stairs, as light anddiscrete as it was, brought him out of his daze. He stretched and rubbed hisneck with a wince when he realized he hadn’t been falling asleep at a goodangle. He placed the glass of liquor with the book on the coffee table andturned just in time to see her lean against the living-room doorframe.

“Can’t sleep, sweetheart?” he asked.

His eyes automatically roamed over her. How notto when she was wearing a short red silky dressing gown that left her legsentirely bare? The immediate arousal died when his gaze lingered on the longthin scar on her thigh. He felt disgusted with himself for those primalresponses he couldn’t quite control.

He forced himself to look up and straight intoher eyes, bypassing the loose neckline of the dressing gown that showed morecreamy skin. It was new, this gown, and the color wasn’t helping. He had alwaysloved her in red.

“No…” she offered, tangling her hand in herhair to push the blond curls over one shoulder. He tracked the move with hungryeyes. It exposed her throat and the hand slowly fell down the shimmeringfabric, brushing against her breast in a not-quite accidental manner… “I havebeen having dreams lately.”

He knew all about her dreams. He was the onewho had to shake her awake more often than not. He was the one who held heruntil she stopped shaking long enough to fall asleep. He was the one whopretended it was completely normal for her to go on a cleaning spree at threein the morning only to collapse next to him in bed around dawn.

But he didn’t think she was talking about nightterrors.

He remained silent.

There was a touch of nervousness to the way sheswayed her hips as she came to stand next to the couch. Not within reach, henoticed, and that was why he kept very still.

“I have been here for months, Haymitch.” shestated.

He nodded once, curious to see where thatparticular conversation would lead. He hadn’t been sure when she had showed upin Twelve, truth be told. He had let her in and had offered her a place tostay, but he hadn’t been sure it would work – could work. They hadn’t killed each other yet so he supposed he hadbeen wrong to doubt.

She was doing better than when she had arrived,there was no denying that, but she was still… not quite herself.

“Are you being obtuse on purpose?” she snapped,clearly annoyed.

He lifted his eyebrows, a smirk on his lips.“Sorry, sweetheart, just not quite sure what you’re getting at.”

She stared straight at him for a few secondsand then untied the dressing gown’s belt.

He felt himself twitch only to throb in need at the sight. She was wearing acrimson red see-through lacy corset complete with matching panties. His mouthwas suddenly very parched and it was very hard to remember why he had been socareful about not initiating anything. They still had separate bedrooms even ifthey ended up in each other’s bed more often than not. It was platonic though.They had kissed a few times, pecks that he had kept chaste on purpose becausehe didn’t trust himself not to cross the line.

“Effie…” he hesitated.

Lingerie had always been one of his weaknesses.Red lacy stuff on her skin made his blood boil like hardly anything else.

It took everything he had not to stare. He resolutely met her eyes. “I’mnot sure that’s a good idea.”

Hurt flashed on his face. “Don’t you want to?”

“Stupid question.” he scoffed.

“Then what isit?” she snapped. “Every time I kiss you, you just… You run away. You turn your back on me when Itry to initiate something in bed. You neverlook at me like you used to. You… you could never keep your hands off me beforeand now…” She shook her head. “Are you seeing someone else?”

There was a sharp accusation in her voice, asif it would be cheating if he was, as if they had ever said they weremore than…

“I’m not seeing anyone.” he grumbled. “It’s notthat.”

She wrapped the gown around herself once more,averting her eyes, making an obvious effort to school her features intodetachment. “You are not attracted to me anymore.”

She was trembling and he hauled himself off thecouch to reach for her. She recoiled a little but didn’t try to flee when heplaced a hand on her waist and grabbed her chin with the other.

“It’s not that either.” he mumbled. “Come on.You know it’s not. No way, you don’t feel the boners in the morning,sweetheart.”

“You are hardlyresponsible for the way your body reacts to mine in your sleep.” she hissed. “Iknow I am not… The scars and…”

“Don’t.” he cut her off “Look. You wanna knowif I want to tear your clothes off and fuckyou in every room of the house?” He scoffed self-depreciably. “Haven’t beenthinking about anything else since you arrived. Hell, if it was my call we’d live naked and have sex every fiveminutes.”

She met his eyes with a frown. “Then, why…”

“Cause you’ve been hurt. Bad.” he explained. “And I don’t trust myself not to hurt youagain.” She relaxed a little, tension left her shoulders, and she leanedagainst him. He wrapped his arms around her and pressed a kiss against herneck. “We don’t know how to be… tametogether. I don’t want to… I don’t want to hurt you.”

“What if I want you to hurt me?” she whispereduncertainly. “What if I want you to pin me to a wall like you used to? Or tojust… Just take me, Haymitch. Likeyou cannot stop yourself. I miss you.I miss that.” She tangled her fingersin his hair and tugged a little. “You have been very kind and patient with mebut… I am not a china doll. I won’t break. I do not want tame, I want us.”

“I don’t want to hurt you.” he insisted stubbornly.“I don’t want to trigger…”

“Fuckme.” she cut him off in a raspy breath. “You won’t hurt me. I trust you. I amnot scared. I just need… I need you.”

She nipped at his jaw only to smooth the stingby licking it. He closed his eyes, not quite noticing when she pulled hissweater over his head. He did noticewhen her hands sneaked under his undershirt though.

“Effie…” he growled, a last warning.

“Shhh.”She kissed him and he didn’t resist this time. It was tongue and teeth andbefore long he grabbed her under the thighs to lift her up, losing all commonsense.

There was no common sense to be had when shewas trying to seduce him.

He hesitated when he eventually did end up pinning her against the wallbut she framed his face in her hands, erasing any doubt by kissing him again.

“Fuckme.” she begged with enough steel in her voice that he stopped doubting.

He was only too happy to oblige.

[phake-zecon]

history: as a kid desky was very bold, popular and happy, hed already been noticed for his swimming ability at 8 and had a keen interest in pursuing it, his parents loved and supported him but this soon turned into him being able to do as he pleases and he began to tease other kids including his sister. although nothing too horrible his teasing plaid on his sister deeply and was often a fight or argument daily at some points, it got so bad she shut herself off from her family for a few years, desky could see something was up but being so young he didnt understand HE was adding to it, one day after a bad fight she leaves crying, desky follows (after a wile) and finds her at a pair near their home, they start fighting again and she hits her limit, she jumps into the water desky quickly jumps in. she doent survive and the family are crushed, his mom and dad stop 'pushing him' and desky stops swimming, for a wile hes 'lost' his bold person leaves him, he becomes withdrawn, quite but angry. after a lot of anger and even some therapy he comes to the conclusion that patrolling the pier and stopping anyone form taking there life is what he needs to do, at first his attempts where too 'aggressive' often pulling some one down and thinking 'thats all it took' he didnt think about the REASONS behind the acts or mental state of minds. a few years of work and trial he was finely able to help people, not every person he helped made it in life but he was always sure to check the pier as often as possible on one of these trips he ran into jan. once desky helped him jan began attaching himself to him and the two began a friend ship thhaatt soon, jan, wanted more, the two, wile trying no to fight, tried to find there positions with the other. after a long relationship dancing around one another the two do end up together, jan even helps desky realize his calling as a life guard, and even though the water still brings back painful memory's he greatly missed it. phew lots of tex! glossed over some stuff but hay, heres jan http://www.furaffinity.net/view/22911713/

[snsmissionaries]

5/18/18 -- Sister Makenzie Moss, Brazil, Natal Mission

Semana de Skype!!!

Sick Again!

Batismos!

Eu acredito em Milagres!!

1 ANO E 1 MÊS!!!

Work is Good!!!

Feliz Páscoa!!

Semana de Skype!!!

Posted: 18 May 2018 12:38 PM PDT

Beleza, então não vou mentir, eu não lembro muito sobre esta semana por causa da skype ontem kkkk. Mas eu sei que esta semana foi tão boa! Falei com minha família maravilhosa ontem e foi perfeito! Tbm tivemos 3 confirmações ontem na igreja e nossa pesquisadora prestou seu testemunho na reunião sacramental. Mano do céu, tinha tanto medo quando ela levantou mas o testemunho dela era bonito bonito bonito! Ela contou como ela nos conheceu e que ela quer a família dela na igreja com ela. Ela falou que ela sempre falava que queria conhecer a nossa igreja e que finalmente aconteceu! Ela amou igreja e já marcamos pra ela e o filho dela vir conosco semana que vem! Estamos muito animadas pra ela e esperamos que temos o batismo aqui logo! Além disso não tenho muitas noticias pra vocês.. mas eu sei que Deus prepara as pessoas por o momento perfeito. Que sem ele esta obra será impossível! Estamos vendo milagre depois milagre e eu sei que Deus está preparando as pessoas aqui!

  amo vocês com todo meu coração,

Sister Moss

Google Translate Version  

Beauty, so I will not lie, I do not remember much about this week because of skype kkkk yesterday. But I know this week was so good! I spoke to my wonderful family yesterday and it was perfect! We had three confirmations yesterday at the church and our researcher gave her testimony at sacrament meeting. Hand of the sky, she was so scared when she got up but her testimony was beautiful handsome handsome! She told how she met us and that she wants her family in church with her. She said she always said she wanted to meet our church and it finally happened! She loved church and we already marked her and her son came with us next week! We are very excited for her and we hope we have the baptism here soon! Besides, I do not have much news for you ... but I know that God prepares people for the perfect moment. That without him this work will be impossible! We are seeing miracle after miracle and I know that God is preparing people here!  I love you with all my heart,  Sister Moss  

              Sick Again!

Posted: 18 May 2018 12:38 PM PDT

Ok so this week I was sick AGAIN!!!! I don't know what's happening with my body ahah but everything will be alright! With transfers and everything it was super crazy this week! So as it happens to all of us, Sister L. Gui went home last week... Man its always so sad to say goodbye to such amazing people! I miss her so much already but I know that I will see her again soon and that we'll keep in contact! My new companion is Sister Feitosa and she's from São Paulo, São Carlos! She has one year on the mission and is crazy crazy crazy! Love her tons! Super super excited to work along side her this transfer, I know we'll see tons of miracles continue to happen here in Panatis!

  Beyond being sick we didn't do a whole lot. We left to work just enough to teach and help Diomédis (the dad/husband of the 2 that got baptized last week). Everything worked out perfect and he too was baptized this week! Man it's been such a blessing teaching them all! Their story is crazy and really just proves how much God really prepares people for just the right moment! They've been in contact with the missionaries for 2 years now, and it took their daughter to leave on her mission for them to realize that this is something they need in their whole family! Its a golden family! I feel so beyond blessed to have gotten to know them and love them! They're my family here, and don't want to leave them! 

  Love you guys so so much! 

Sister Moss 

    Ok, então esta semana eu estava doente novamente !!!! Eu não sei o que está acontecendo com meu corpo ahah mas tudo ficará bem! Com transferências e tudo foi super louco esta semana! Então, como acontece com todos nós, a Sister L. Gui foi para casa na semana passada ... Cara, é sempre tão triste dizer adeus a pessoas tão incríveis! Eu já sinto muita falta dela, mas sei que a verei em breve e que manteremos contato! Minha nova companheira é a Sister Feitosa e ela é de São Paulo, São Carlos! Ela tem um ano na missão e é doida doida doida! A amo com força! Super super animado para trabalhar ao lado dela esta transferência, eu sei que vamos ver milhões de milagres continuam a acontecer aqui em Panatis!

  Além de estar doente nós não fizemos muito. Nós saímos para trabalhar o suficiente para ensinar e ajudar Diomédis (o pai / marido dos 2 que foram batizados na semana passada). Tudo deu certo e ele também foi batizado esta semana! Cara, tem sido uma bênção ensinar todos eles! Sua história é louca e realmente prova o quanto Deus realmente prepara as pessoas para o momento certo! Eles estão em contato com os missionários há 2 anos, e foi por causa de sua filha para saindo pela missão para eles perceberem que isso é algo que eles precisam em toda a sua família! É uma família de ouro! Eu me sinto tão abençoado por ter chegado a conhecê-los e amá-los! Eles são minha família aqui, e não querem deixá-los!

  Amo muito vocês!

Sister Moss

      Batismos!

Posted: 18 May 2018 12:38 PM PDT

Hey everyone! so this week was just full of miracles!! Here in Brazil and also back home!! So happy to have the kiddos officially a part of the family! And to have "seen" them make the greatest decision to be baptized on Saturday!! so so happy I had the chance to talk to them a bit on their very very special day!! And yesterday to top everything off, we ended the transfer with 3 baptisms!!! Man I've never felt the spirit so strongly as I did at these baptisms! It was incredible!

  So first off we had the baptism for Louise, an 11 year old genius!! Her mom was less active but is starting to go back to church, and brought her to church for the first time 2 weeks ago! Guys she is so so perfect!! we bonded so quickly with her and her mom, we love them so so much!! So when I say she's a genius I'm not lying. She speaks 4 languages and basically taught the lessons to us! It was so awesome! She was so ready and willing to follow the example of our Savior Jesus Christ and I know that through her, her mom will stay active and her little sister will one day be baptized too! The baptism was awesome! The girls in the Primary sang A Child's Prayer for her and made a cake for her! So freaking cute! It was her moment, she just loved it!! 

                       Then after lunch we went back to the church to have the other 2 baptisms! Mother and daughter, Nadja and Amanda! so this story is pretty crazy! Its been about 2 years that Nayla (the oldest daughter) was baptized. Then her sister Pamela, then their brother Gabriel. Within the last 2 years, Nadja wouldn't allow any of the missionaries teach her (we found this out this week). She wanted nothing to do with the church and to be honest was very upset that her children had joined. She was very against all of it. About 2 weeks ago Nayla left for her mission!!! When she left Nadja started coming to church with the rest of her kids. And had that awesome Sunday with President Colleoni talking with her and needless to say she agreed to take the lessons and to be baptized! We were so so excited!! Its amazing how God prepares the people who are really ready! We got to her house to teach her and the asked her youngest daughter if she wanted to be baptized with her mom! She said yes and we started teaching them! Amanda is also very very smart! She pretty much taught everything too! And when we were teaching about the Restoration Nadja asked Amanda why she wanted to be baptized and little Amanda said "because I know the book of Mormon is true"! man i nearly died when she said that!! She is 9 years old and already knows that! Wow! The week went on and we were there at their house every single day! Man I've never seen Satan work so hard on one person to not be baptized, anything that could have gone wrong to prevent the baptism went wrong. But Nadja and Amanda stayed strong and at the end of it all, all went well! The baptism was incredible! The whole ward was there and like 4 sets of missionaries! It was so awesome! The spirit was so so strong!!! There wasn't a dry eye in the room! 

        And today Nadja called me and said that her husband who also wanted nothing to do with the church for the longest time decided that this week would be his baptism!!! Guys when he gets baptized, the whole family will be together in the gospel! We'll complete this family! And here in a year and a half (when Nayla gets home) they'll all go to the temple to get sealed for eternity! 

  Guys my heart could not be more full! I am so so happy to see the rest of this amazing family enter into the church of Christ! One thing that made me bawl my eyes out yesterday after the baptism is Nadja hugged me and said to me that I am a person very special to her and her family. But little does she know, that her and her family have changed my life! They are my family here! I love them so so much and am so full of love and joy for their decisions to be baptized! Man a mission is the greatest thing ever! I don't even want to go home (sorry mom) haha! 

  Love you all so much! Please pray that everything works out for the baptism this week and for everyone to stay strong and active in this amazing gospel! 

  With love,

Sister Moss

Eu acredito em Milagres!!

Posted: 18 May 2018 12:38 PM PDT

Beleza meu povo! Então esta semana foi normal até ontem. Mas deixa eu contar tudo!

  Então não vou mentir, esta semana eu estava doente de novo... acho que estou morrendo com L. Gui! HOLY COW!!!! Maaaas vai dar tudo certo, ore por meu saúde kkkk. Ficamos em casa um dia por causa de meu doença e tivemos conferência de zona tbm. Então tudo era bem corrido esta semana. 

  Conferência era tão boa! Presidente basicamente só queimou, mas tudo bem. por vez em quando tem que acontecer. Aprendemos um "novo lição" de ensinar sobre a igreja, e como ela é. Tipo assim, bem simples. Foi legal, geralmente Mossoró participam com a interior, mas algumas coisas aconteceu e eles vierem pra ca pela conferência! Foi dahora a ver todos eles! Corremos atrás nossa padrão com a conferência e tudo era bem difícil. mas deu certo! E chegamos no domingo!!!

  Vamos lá. Então Domingo (ontem) foi massa!! cara, não têm ideá! Estávamos indo pra igreja e no metode no caminho nossa pesquisadora parou a carro e levou a gente o resto do caminho! sempre é um milagre a pegar corona kkkk. Esperando pelo reunião sacramental a começar e mais duas pesquisadoras entraram! Mais dois milagres!! Mas essa não é o melhor parte!! Presidente e Sister Colleoni nos visitou hoje, para ver como eu sou. Então depois o sacramento ensinamos (basicamente só L. Gui, eu estava morrendo) a aula dos princípios do evangelho. Presidente e Sister Colleoni assistiu a aula e ajudou bastante com algumas perguntas das pessoas. Depois desta aula Presidente colleoni falou um pouco com uma de nossas pesquisadoras. A primeira coisa ele falou era "Irmã porque você não foi batizada ainda?" bora lá agora né? 

  Beleza então ele sentou com ela e tirou todos as duvidas que ela tive! Ela explicou que queria esperar a filha dela voltar da missão a ser batizada. Presidente curtiu ela e falou "não você vai ser batizada este domingo e vai mandar as boas noticias pra sua filha que agora só tá esperando a voltar pra ser seladas". cara gente era tão poderoso! quase chorei na hora! Presidente é tão bom! 

  Depois a igreja, Presidente chamou a gente e falou que ele quer muito a ensinar pra ela e ele vai voltar durante a semana pra ir lá conosco! Vamos ensinar alguém com o Presidente! Será massa!! Ainda mais depois a igreja a pesquisadora ligou e confirmou que ela VAI ser batizada este domingo! Gente faz uma semana que fizemos o jejum pedindo pelos milagres e esta semana vemos muitos acontecendo! Jejum é real! Milagres são reais!!! 

  Foi uma ótima semana! Ainda sendo doente e bem corrida! Sei que não existe coincidências, que Presidente tive um proposito maior de visitar a gente ontem. Sei que Deus responde nossas orações, todos eles!!! Amo este evangelho!

  Amo vocês!

Sister Moss

  Google Translate Version

  My people beauty So this week was normal until yesterday. But let me tell you everything!

  So I'm not going to lie, this week I was sick again ... I think I'm dying with L. Gui! Holy Cow. Maaaas will be all right, pray for my health kkkk. We stayed home one day because of my illness and we had tbm conference. So everything was well run this week.

  Conference was so good! President basically just burned, but that's okay. every once in a while it has to happen. We learn a "new lesson" from teaching about the church, and how it is. Like that, very simple. It was cool, usually Mossoró participate with the interior, but some things happened and they came and saw the conference! It was now time to see them all! We ran our pattern with the conference and everything was very difficult. but it worked! And we arrived on Sunday !!!

  Come on. Then Sunday (yesterday) was massive !! Dude, they have no idea! We were going to church and on the way in the way our researcher stopped the car and took us the rest of the way! It's always a miracle to get a kkkk crown. Waiting for the sacrament meeting to begin and two more researchers came in! Two more miracles !! But that's not the best part !! President and Sister Colleoni visited us today, to see how I am. Then after the sacrament we taught (basically just L. Gui, I was dying) the gospel lesson class. President and Sister Colleoni attended the class and helped a lot with a few questions from people. After this class President Colleoni spoke a bit with one of our researchers. The first thing he said was "Sister why have not you been baptized yet?" It's there now, right?

  Beauty then he sat with her and took away all the doubts she had! She explained that she wanted to wait for her daughter to return from the mission to be baptized. The president liked her and said "you will not be baptized this Sunday and will send the good news to your daughter who is just waiting to be re-sealed." Dear people, it was so powerful! I almost cried at the time! President is so good!

  After the church, President called us and said that he wants to teach her a lot and he will come back during the week to go with us! Let's teach someone with the President! It will be mass !! Even more after the church the researcher called and confirmed that she WILL be baptized this Sunday! People have been fasting for a week for the miracles and this week we see many happening! Fasting is real! Miracles are real!!!

  It was a great week! Still being sick and well run! I know there are no coincidences, that President had a greater purpose of visiting us yesterday. I know God answers our prayers, all of them !!! I love this gospel!

  Love you!

  Sister Moss

        My sons: Elders Woodward and Demetter (Want an explanation? Just ask! Haha!)

    1 ANO E 1 MÊS!!!

Posted: 18 May 2018 12:42 PM PDT

Gente, eu não acredito que já tenho um ano e um mês na minha missão!! estou terminando aqui logo!!! A missão passa tão rápido! Mas é uma coisa maravilhosa, e inesquecível! A gente não fez nada muito diferente esta semana, mas quero prestar meu testemunho sobre minha missão.

  Eu sei, sem duvida que eu devo estar aqui, agora com essas pessoas! Esse é realmente um chamado por Deus, e ainda assim, as vezes não sinto, Ele precisa de mim aqui. A missão é a coisa mais difícil em minha vida, eu nem sei como agir as vezes. Mas sei que Deus tem um plano perfeito, e tem razão por tudo! Sei que Ele prepara as pessoas em todo conte para nos. Sei que Deus dá os esforços pra cumprir a obra dele. Testifico que este é a igreja verdadeira do Salvador Jesus Cristo. Ele é nosso Redentor, e Ele está sempre no nosso lado. Sei que Ele deixou uma doutrina perfeita pra nos a seguir. E quando seguimos ganhamos um testemunho verdadeira que Ele e nosso Pai Celestial nos amam, e querem nos abençoar! Amo muito minha missão, amo muito meu Salvador, amo muito este evangelho e estou tão grata por minha oportunidade de ter mais 4 meses aqui em minha casa com minha segunda família! Parte meu coração saber que daqui a 4 meses vou deixar tudo isso... Mas estou imensamente grata por esse oportunidade maravilhoso de ser um instrumento nas mãos do Senhor. 

  Amo muito vocês! 

Sister Moss

Google Translate Version 

Guys, I can not believe I already have a year and a month on my mission !! I'm finishing here soon !!! The mission goes so fast! But it's a wonderful thing, and unforgettable! We have not done anything very different this week, but I want to share my testimony about my mission.

  I know, without doubt I must be here, now with these people! This is really a call from God, and yet, sometimes I do not feel, He needs me here. Mission is the hardest thing in my life, I do not even know how to act sometimes. But I know God has a perfect plan, and he's right about everything! I know He prepares people everywhere to tell us. I know God gives the effort to do His work. I testify that this is the true church of the Savior Jesus Christ. He is our Redeemer, and He is always on our side. I know He left a perfect doctrine for us to follow. And as we go on we gain a true testimony that He and our Heavenly Father love us, and want to bless us! I love my mission very much, I love my Savior very much, I love this gospel very much and I am so grateful for my opportunity to have another 4 months here in my house with my second family! It breaks my heart to know that in four months I will leave all this ... But I am immensely grateful for this wonderful opportunity to be an instrument in the hands of the Lord.  Love you so much!  Sister Moss   

        Work is Good!!!

Posted: 18 May 2018 12:41 PM PDT

Hey everyone!! So this week was much much better than last week. My companion and I still aren't 100% better but we were good enough that we actually left the house this week to work!! Woohoo what a miracle, it's horrible staying home on the mission. I just want to get out and work!!! We got tons of work done this week, which was awesome! We basically started everything new because we didn't get out last week, but turned out pretty well if you ask me! We're working a lot with the mom and sisters of our recent convert Maria Eloisa. Man first off, since her baptism she has changed sooooo much, its so amazing to see these changes in her! And secondly, we're working a lot with her mom to help her really get into the church and the idea that it really is a good thing for her, no the BEST thing for her. She went to church with us this week and seemed to really enjoy it. I think it helped a lot that the lessons this week were more on the atonement and how we should all apply it to our lives. I think it really helped her understand the little tiny sacrifices she will be giving to receive the everlasting promises and love that the Savior gives to us everyday. We had a few more people at church with us, which is always great. We are now working with the daughter of a less active in our ward too. She's 11 and is super religious! I talked to her a bit yesterday and she told me she'd been raised in the Catholic church but wants to learn more about the Mormons haha. She's super sweet!! 

  Beyond talking to literally everyone this week to find new people to teach we didn't do a whole lot. We still had a few days that we stayed at home because we were experiencing lots of pain but overall everything went really well this week. Loving my companion, she's literally the greatest! And I learn so much from her everyday! Love love love it! 

  Just want to bear my testimony for you all that I know without a doubt, that Jesus Christ is our Savior and Redeemer. He is the only person who was and is able to give so much for the whole world. I know that he suffered beyond comprehension for all of my sins and all of my weaknesses. I have lots so I know he suffered beyond anything I can even imagine. He is my Savior and I will be forever in his debt! One thing I liked that I heard at church yesterday was that someone asked what we do everyday to try and show our gratitude for the sacrifice that Jesus Christ made for us. So I want to pose the same question for all of you:

  What is it that you do everyday to show that you are grateful for the sacrifice that Christ made for you?

  Love and miss you all with all my heart!!!

Sister Moss

...And in Portuguese!

Ei pessoal! Então esta semana foi muito melhor que na semana passada. Minha companheira e eu ainda não somos 100% melhores, mas éramos bons o bastante para sairmos de casa esta semana para trabalhar!! Woohoo que milagre, é horrível ficar em casa na missão. Eu só quero sair e trabalhar!!! Fizemos tanto trabalho esta semana, o que foi incrível! Nós basicamente começamos tudo de novo porque nós não saímos na semana passada, mas saiu muito bem se você me perguntar! Estamos trabalhando muito com a mãe e as irmãs da nossa recente conversa Maria Eloisa. Gente primeiro, desde o seu batismo ela mudou muito muuuito, é tão incrível ver essas mudanças nela! E em segundo lugar, estamos trabalhando muito com a mãe dela para ajudá-la a realmente entrar na igreja e a idéia de que realmente é uma coisa boa para ela, não é a MELHOR coisa para ela. Ela foi à igreja conosco esta semana e pareceu gostar muito. Acho que ajudou muito que as lições desta semana estivessem mais na expiação e como devemos aplicá-la em nossas vidas. Acho que isso realmente a ajudou a entender os pequenos sacrifícios que ela vai dar para receber as promessas e o amor eterno que o Salvador nos dá todos os dias. Nós tivemos mais algumas pessoas na igreja conosco, o que é sempre bom. Agora estamos trabalhando com a filha de um menos ativo em nossa ala também. Ela tem 11 anos e é super religiosa! Eu falei com ela um pouco ontem e ela me disse que foi criada na igreja católica, mas quer aprender mais sobre os mórmons kkk. Ela é super da hora!!

  Além de conversar literalmente com todos as pessoas encontramos na rua esta semana para encontrar novas pessoas para ensinar, não fizemos muito. Ainda tínhamos alguns dias em que ficamos em casa porque estávamos com muita dor, mas no geral tudo foi muito bem esta semana. Amando meu companheiro, ela é literalmente a melho! E eu aprendo muito com ela todos os dias! Amor, amor, amor!

  Só quero prestar meu testemunho por todos vocês que eu sei, sem dúvida, que Jesus Cristo é nosso Salvador e Redentor. Ele é a única pessoa que foi e é capaz de dar muito para o mundo inteiro. Eu sei que ele sofreu além da compreensão por todos os meus pecados e todas as minhas fraquezas. Eu tenho muito, então eu sei que ele sofreu além de qualquer coisa que eu possa imaginar. Ele é meu Salvador e eu ficarei para sempre em dívida com ele! Uma coisa que gostei e que ouvi na igreja ontem foi que alguém perguntou o que fazemos todos os dias para tentar mostrar nossa gratidão pelo sacrifício que Jesus Cristo fez por nós. Então eu quero fazer a mesma pergunta para todos vocês:

  O que vocês fazem todos os dias para mostrar que são gratos pelo sacrifício que Cristo fez por vocês?

  Amor e saudades de todos vocês com todo meu coração !!!

Sister Moss

Feliz Páscoa!!

Posted: 18 May 2018 12:38 PM PDT

Tá, então esta semana foi bem difícil pra a gente... Nos duas ficamos doente a semana inteira, e não conseguimos de sair de casa. Somente pra conferência no final da semana. Então não tenho muito a te dizer.. mas mano conferência era bom demais! Tinha muitos perguntas e agora sei que elas foram respondidas! Foi muito muito bom de ouvir a voz de nossa novo profeta! Sei sem duvida que ele foi chamado por Deus para nos guiar nesses dias! Amo muito Presidente Nelson e seus apóstolos!

  Além da conferência não tenho muito a te dizer. A semana foi difícil, não trabalhemos muito, quase nada.. Vamos ao hospital amanhã de novo a ver o que era a problema. Sei com todo meu coração que temos um profeta vivo hoje! Que tudo que ouvimos na conferência era respostas por nossas perguntas. Que Deus realmente responde seus filhos! 

  Não esquece o razão deste epoca do ano. A ressurreição de nossa Salvador Jesus Cristo! Sei que realmente ele é o Salvador do mundo! Que ele nos salvou e nos salva todos os dias, se a gente aceita ajuda dele! O amo com tudo que eu sou! 

  Amo muito vocês!! Feliz Páscoa!!

  Sister Moss

  Google Translate version...

  Okay, so this week was really hard for us ... We were both sick the whole week, and we could not leave the house. Only for conference at the end of the week. So I do not have much to tell you .. but the conference was good too! I had many questions and now I know they have been answered! It was very good to hear the voice of our new prophet! I know without a doubt that he was called by God to guide us these days! I really love President Nelson and his apostles!

  Besides the conference I do not have much to tell you. The week was difficult, we did not work much, almost nothing .. We go to the hospital tomorrow again to see what the problem was. I know with all my heart that we have a living prophet today! That all we heard at the conference was answers to our questions. That God really answers your children!

  Do not forget the reason of this time of year. The Resurrection of our Savior Jesus Christ! I know that he is indeed the Savior of the world! That he has saved us and saves us every day, if we accept his help! I love you with everything I am!

  Love you so much!! Happy Easter!!

  Sister Moss

  <<A little explanation...>> This week we stayed home sick with dengue, so we didn't get anything done. But this upcoming week should be better. and we're doing better. we both have dengue, and it's awful. lots of body pain, any and every part of the body. lots of fevers, every day for a week. we had a few days really bad that we couldn't even leave our beds.. it was really bad. today I don't have too much pain, but i think I'm still with fever. and it's a sickness you get from the freaking mosquitoes.

[somedaypast-thesunset]

i need to do some writing today.

here is what i know as a fact: i am undoubtedly more mature emotionally and in overall life than him. no matter what, i will always handle life easier than him because “my journey” “taught me” “how to be strong”.but its not strength. its like.. an armour coating. and i just kept painting a protective sealant around my soul everytime something happened so now when something happens thats pretty fucing bad, my reaction is much less than the average person. kind of like an ER trauma doctor - theyve seen so much. i have seen more than almost any other person my age. i know more. even though i didnt have the same experiences as them, i still know of life much more. i know the true reality of life as it is and not what is sold to you or influenced by a higher source. 

and life is absolute total complete shit. it’s totally completely terrible and if you are lucky - and ONLY if you are lucky, will you find your own success which will satisfy you just enough to make it through. 

i am not depressed solely because my father is dead. thats simple. that doent stop me from living my life. if he just died randomly - that sucks ass but you move on. its not his death. its his life. he worked 47 years to have his pensions stolen legally. like government approved pension theft. he worked so hard to die in poverty. he wasnt a homeless person. he never borrowed money from anyone. he had no debts. why in the FUCK did he get that? what kind of god, if there was a god, would reward your earthly services with fucking poverty. the government told him if you pay your taxes and be a good citizen you will get X amount for the rest of your days but no where did they say if you get married though and become seperated your wife will take your pensions. what the fuck is seperation if nothing changes? 

47 years to be crippled in a lazy boy watching wrestling. FORTY. SEVEN. YEARS. where in the FUCK was his reward? he didnt even get a loving family! he died ALONE. he gave everything he had in his life toe veryone else and he died ALONE starving in a hospital bed. 

so tell me now how you paying 1.50 for air at the pump is the sign of the world ending. tell me how them raising the gas prices before a holiday is the worst of capitalism. tell me how you working sooo hard for the past year has been just absolutely terrible and “gotten you nowhere” as you live in your mothers house for free. 

bitch you dont even know the worst of life. you dont even know what it is to do everything right and stil get nothing for it. he said to me, “you dont know, ive had to actually work -” .. “ive watched a dozen men in the exact same position as you get royally fucked much harder than you and have to keep going. how does this give me any incentive to go out and work as i watched men break their back for _nothing_? their lives are no better.”

i told him that my doctor believes i completely understand whats going on. that im not like delusional or creating scenarios in my head - i have encountered the true realities of life and human beings have extreme difficulties dealing with some of the worst parts of life; such as moving & public speaking & death. 

so i go back and forth. because im told im shit i believe im shit and infantalize myself; i must be so ignorant and so blinded not to see the “truth” and that my depression is a fog keeping me from seeing positive things. 

but then there are times like this where i realize i might actually be one of the few people around me who actually see things for how they are. his mother returned from her vacation and immediately she brought a cloud of darkness with her because she is the epitome of mass consumption and spoiledness. and its become disgusting the level in which she is consuming and spending money and i cant even pretend to be amused anymore. it really pisses me off. because i have such little money i am dictated as to how i should be using it and what i should be buying and yet she has enough money to stock her house with food that has been expired for two years and continue to buy more and be particular about bagged milk or eggs with omega 3 and its like you lived on an island which shouldve been closer to farm life and you somehow came out entitled and spoiled as fuck. my friend and i slept in her bed for four hours one night after drinking and she left her rings but we didnt know. his mother found them and fraked out that we slept in her bed because “you cant sleep in a bed someone else has slept in”.

and its like within this “concern” she had no bearng at all on the fact she was insulting me and my friend. he said, “theyre probably cleaner than i am” in response because it did sound like she was saying my friend and i were sooo dirty we somehow sullied her bed. like we’re below her and we fucked up her things. this is of course after she had moved my bag of laundry from inside the house to the garage. so its like one after another thing making me feel sooo second class and shitty and hes crying about 1.50 at the pump. his own mother is apart of the larger problem and continually makes me feel like shit. theres no reason for my laundry to be moved; at all. it was just ‘ugh get out of my house’ without saying it because people like her make passive aggressive moves while smiling sunshine out of their ass. 

the weekend was continually up ad down with him. when he returned he was so excited to see me. he was super affectionate and loving and outwardly praising me in front of his friends and it was really fucing nice and it lulled me into a false sense of security. but like in no way do i believe hes acting malicious. like he did this purposely to manipulate me. his actions were not done maliciously, but this is the result of them. i was lulled into false security because the next four days were very up and down and not great but still okay?

on thursday & friday he was very focused on the time i spent with a new friend. but he portrayed this like a “joke”. like he was “mocking” it or “making fun”. but it became like.. so often that it was not a joke. it became a VERY clear sign of insecurity that amounted on saturday to me saying i was “bored” and him becoming VERY insecure. he apologized that i was bored, he “joked” that i would disappear for a day and suck some other guys dick and lie about it for six months. and lke these are not jokes. theyre said as jokes, his tone is joking but this is not a joke. this is a projection of insecurity.

but the thing is it doesnt make sense. our “relationship” is “open”. for all intents & purposes, hes allowed to “be with other people”. will i also be with him? .... remains to be seen. maybe i will. i dont know. i cannot say if he is sooooo important and i am soooo progressed in my perspectives that i would say i cant be associated with him. i dont know yet. but this is an “allowable occurence” as deemed by him and “agreed” to by me. so this is open. but its becoming increasingly apparant that this is not open for me. none of my actions in any way can or should be considered “cheating”. not that any of my actions ould be described as cheating - ive gone for drives & walks with friends and drew pictures. i have not even physically touched another man in a year beyond a hug which has lasted probably maximum ten seconds long. but even if i had 2 minue long hugs which tured to make out sessions and sucked dick at the end - it shouldnt be cheating. there is no rule that says this is cheating. everything says this is okay. if HE can do it, then CERTAINLY i can also. 

he directly referrred to the fact that my new friend had gone to an art gallery in kitchener and wondered outloud if thats what he shouldve done but didnt think it wold be worth it. he was just focused on the fact this person existed in my life at all and that he would be seen as boring and uninteresting in comparison. i had never seen him so outwardly insecure and bothered by something like this in our relationship.

the next morning he woke up and reminded me that we had an open relationship and that he thought about these other girls and wanted this and this etc. it seemed obvious that he was saying this because he was upset by the insinuation i thought he was boring (which i never said, btw, i said i was “bored”. i specifically remember saying i was bored. period. not that he caused the boredom or was a boring person) and maybe was looking somewhere else. like he had built the delusion up so far he had to hurt me with “yeah well i can do this too” even though i wasnt. i told him this later on and he meekly said that wasnt why he had brought it up but it clearly was. later that night he said, “if you leave me you have to tell me so i can leave you first” which i felt succinctly described what happened - he felt like i was going to leave him so he pre-empted by reminding me he could also fill my space. 

i continually repeated that i wasnt going to leave him but it became so exaggerated that .. it wasnt that i didnt believe that i wasnt going to leave him but i didnt believe there was a relationship to leave. what would i leave? was it not him who wanted to leave? was it not him who wanted more? was it not him whos unsatisfied? why would you assume i would leave when its him whos unhappy? see, i want to have a life with him. i try to make an effort to have a life with him but im completely stuck. 

last night i helped him with this very dumb and futile task of taping large pieces of vinyl wrapping on a deck in the wind before a storm. i didnt have to but i did because i love him and knew it was a shitty task to have to do and next to impossible on your own. we werent able to do it and he was upset about it and his job and his life and within an hour was taking it out on me. he said that our relationship was the “easy way out” and that he could get instant gratification in his day by fucking and smoking weed. if he was alone more then he could have time to “think” and “be himself” and that i should respect when he says no or wants to be alone (he didnt say he wanted to be alone). he said hes run by anxiety and that in another time he wouldve just up and moved by now instead of talking about it.  

i felt really offended that our relationship had been degraded to instant gratification. it was the first time i really felt like a whore in the relationship and that my purpose was to fuck. i asked him what i could do when i was with him to encourage better choices beyond fucking and smoking weed. he told me there was nothing. so i also felt like i had no choice either but to be someone he fucks and smokes weed with and thats it. like i cant build a life with him because im just a fucktoy who smokes his weed. like sure, he wanted to express the dissatisfaction in our routine but he was no better than his mother in expressing it because he didnt care that he was insinuating i had no other use to him. 

he tried to be easy going after this conversation - i didnt respond to his crap but i did not feel good anymore. i made a legitimate effort to help him resolve his personal issues and he essentially shit on me. i wasnt condoning continuing the routine, i was encouraging a change and it was like no, we still have to do this but also give me time alone to have a seperate life.

and i live that already. i live this shitty duality of lives where i spend my days alone trying to put together a life i lead completely independent from him like he doesnt even exist and then have to pick it back up and act like its this most important thing of my life. there is no middle ground, its one extreme or the other while pretending tht this is a “relationship” and that we’re “in love”. but i think we just love each other. i dont think this is in love. maybe im in love, maybe because i understand “in love” more than him but i think he just loves me and cares about me. which is fine - its not even like i think he doesnt want to be with me. he does. but he is not really capable of being with me in the capacity that i need and im not needy. im not broken because this is not good enough for me and that im like wrong for wanting more. its natural and okay. 

he jokes that we are already married. that i will do womens work because he goes to work and i stay home. but there is no “home” in which to do this work in. he has not provided me anything beyond packs of smokes and weed and iced capps. like he supports me in the way the government supports me. just enough to still need more support but not fail completely. i thik he feels comfortable playing house and i’m sort of looking at him like are you for real? like the test drive is about to be over. 

he said he “felt like a prisoner” because he didnt want to go downstairs and make food and face his shitty mother. i told him i felt the same at my place with my roommate. but theres like.. no response. no empathy - like hey, we share the same shitty thing. or maybe even like a deeper understanding of who i am and the life i live without him. 

this morning i woke up and fel the same. he wanted to fuck and i didnt, i said no but he continued to pull down my pants. and this is not going into like some assault story because thats not it at all. yes,  i said no. and if i had pulled away and been like fuck no - it wouldve ended.  i wasnt trapped. i made a concious decision to let him do this but not even want it. and i dont think he really even cared; in many ways he can be pretty depraved and its likely the idea that i was doing it just to get it over with turned him on anyways. and i dont even judge these behaviors because the horrors and depravity and realities of life keep me interested and he is just honest about his depravity because people are ashamed of theirs. maybe i am too. not that i was turnd on by this; im not into guys fucking me when im not into it, but i coud probably participate in rape fantasies so maybe i can disconnect easier and take it for what it is. its never malicious. no one is uisng sex to make me feel this way except maybe myself. i took advantage of an oportunity to amke myself feel like shit for this brief moment. he came suprisingly fast. 

i think he knew i was upset though and i didnt want to have a conversation about his offenses at 630am. he started complaining about gas prices and air prices and i just took that as an opportunity to vent my projections and frustrations. like - fuck off. life is shit and you won the god damn lottery. your anxieties are insignificant and bullshit, you are ungrateful and self centered and lack empathy for others. like you feel “guilty” but you dont actually understand how THEY feel. like watching kids in africa and youre like omgz so sad *sends coffee money*. like, please. 

i tried to approach it from an empathetic point. we hae similar problems. we are both crippled by anxiety and finding a purpose / worth in life. we believe there are solutions “if we could just do this .. this would be better” and maybe we’re right. maybe. but the anxiety stops us. so i tried to help him with my own coping methods - he says he has too much anxiety to look at apartments. i told him to build it up, make it exciting, make it positive and follow through and then feel good about it even though it seems really stupid to have to put this much care and effort into a simple task. it still gets done, right?

he told me that doesnt work for him. i was like “oh”. i didnt know it was an option. when ive said this in the past he told me i wasnt trying hard enough, that i should do better. 

this morning i focused back on me. i hope im accepted for disability. i feel stuck. i want a break. i dont need to put in physical hours at someones business to deserve a fucking break in life. that does not determine my worth. and it shouldnt be this hard. it shouldnt. but society wants poor people dead. they do not care about mental health - and you’re right, no one cares about you. very few people will ever feel the momentous weight of no nest at all. 

so whatever, you know? you dont want to live with me? you dont want to spend time with me? then i just wish i had disability - not for the “quick fix” because nothing about it is quick. but for the opportunities it gives me because no one in the world can do anything without someone else. period. end of sentence. that is the true reality, that is what i absolutely know to be true in an experience which very few people have lived with and those who have would more than likely agree because most success stories are ones who have been elevated by someone or a system created by someones. i dont know a single one off hand that didnt have, “and then i met so and so and everything changed” or “and then i got this x opportunity through this person”. 

i dont want to be paid for in life. i dont want to be supported. i dont even want someone to ust completely pay for me out of their own pocket right now. thats terrible. i couldnt feel goood about it, no matter how “easy” it would be. i want to pay my share, support myself, my habits, my life by my own means. which is what i do now while putting in copious amount of  man hours into “womens work” to offset snacks and meals in what should be a “relationship”. 

i feel like this weekend was a good sign of why i need to work on accepting my independence as highest priority in life. i deserve a family but i wont have one right now because life is not fair as much as it is not fair for people who suffer in war and poverty in third world countries. life is no different - we all live in the same timeline & world & existence so this is not completely unheard of and people do survive terrible tragedies. life is just not fair and for as long as human beings existed as sentient beings, we have been creating unfair scenarios for the benefit of ourselves. thats life. thats what i can know and breathe as life. you can never be surprised or shocked by the actions of a human being - theyre just unpredictable and yet predictable at the same time because no matter what they will create unfairness in some capacity. and it took me soooooooo long to accept this knowledge at all. i wanted to believe that unfair things just happened. like some random force in the world makes unfair things happen and if you do enough right things then itll be smooth sailing glory days. but thats not it. life is not a series of check points. random organic beings evolved seperately like a colony of a million ants and althrough a million ants can make a whole workng system, within those millions are a million different minds. and they need the fucking colony because individually they are nothing but ants. theyre just things flying around on a big ball in a vast nothingness and everthing all a the ame time. and theyre terrified you know? theyre fucking terrified because you dont know why the fuc you came to be. youre just brething and shitting and eating and sleeping. what in the fuck is the purpose to all of this? and maybe theres no answer and youre just here on this fucking big blue ball flying in vast nothingness. but within the colony, its easier to eat and shit and sleep and not die or be threatened by imminent death. and you have a job, you have some task that keeps the gears rolling in this system that suddenly is more important than whats happening outside because this is easy and anything outside is hard and terrifying. 

but every being feels this. its not unique to one hero. its everyone. everyone evolved from nothing and inherited a really complex system that was supposed to make it easier to live and they hoped whoever birthed you prepared you appropriately for the system; if not, or if you’ve lost them, good luck. 

but at some point almost everyone, perhaps everyone, comes to a point, even in the comfort of their parents, where they question their purpose on this ball. why the fuck are we here, why am i in this system, how do i use it to benefit me if outside is unimaginable? how do i not hate myself for it?

and thats where we begin to create individualized coping strategies. maybe its leaning on your parents harder while you question existence, taking 9 yrs to graduate school, hitchhiking across the country, doing recreational drugs, finding “instant gratification” in other humans and eventually, hopefully, you find what works for you. and once you do, it will be hard to convince you otherwise because thats what makes you “happy”. you are at full “easy’ in life where all the basic needs have been covered and you havent degraded yourself for it - whether it be sucking dick or working long hours at a shitty job. 

so i find it hard to demonize anyone at all. even all the people who did me wrong. even all the shity actions described above - thats how they coped to find their personal “easy” because thats the very best you can get within this system because our agreed upon basic purpose in life is to make basic survival “easy”. perhaps our brains and mental capacities never considered what basic surivial truly entailed and maybe were not there yet. is it just breathing eating sleeping and shitting? of course, fucking is involved but thats a future survival of genetics and if you cant surviv until puberty, thats not even an issue. is it also tending to the care of emotional and mental development? 

i feel like society as a whole, human beings as a group, despite the individuals who might go against the majority, but as a group, in popular culture, emotions & mental status are not an issue until theyve created one. so we are purposefully ignoring what weve evolved to know to be a necessity in basic survival. yes, grandpa was ‘tough as nails’ but grandpa was not a fucking robot and perhaps learned good coping methods such as active hobbies, a friend to talk to or maybe grandpa drank a lot. humans are not weaker now, they were dumber before. they had no idea that mental illness existed, that some could be preventable or treated. they did not understand the brain as they did not understand space, the oceans - this is one of life’s greatest mysteries and since we dont understand it we imagine it to have a grand capacity but everything has its limitations. i dont understand the brain at all, i cant fathom the idea of why a person can continue to learn and adopt new things throughout life but never consider what is insde of themselves and capacity they have or why. they’re just full of pride that they managed to ‘achieve’ a perceived limitation. anyone can do anything. whether you have the tools or opportunities to do so is completely different. 

outside of genetic defects, everyone is made up of the same shit. no one is uniquely special or better. everyone, even ones with defects, needs to breathe eat shit and sleep. and thats where the unfairness comes in. for some people, in this system, their inheritance of privledges makes it way more opportunities to create “easy” things in their lives. why do they deserve this inheritance if we are all born as equals? no one as a baby did anything to deserve the opportunities or priviledges that set them up to inherit a better system. why did some babies get better opportunities thn others? 

the system is unfair but you cannot change the system when it still “works” for everone else. you cant change it. it’s so unfair, it’s so completely unfair. but no matter how fucking unfair it is you still need to eat. you still need to shit. you still need to sleep and breath clean air. and thats why you work. thats why you keep working. i try to imagine why others have chosen what they have. perhaps their parents brainwashed them into the system and they had other priviledges and they just blindly accept what they “know”. i question why people buy alot of things they do. i wonder why they put value of themselves, like it was worth doing literal work to earn the money to buy a tube of lipstick? how does that factor easy? but i guess life had become so easy that the anixieties about the color of their lips are higher priority than the comfort of their next shit. 

but THATS not the way it used to be. that would be the difference from grandpa to our modern world. and that frustrates me alot. i would thrive in a tiny home but at 27, and where im at now, thats like a dream i have for 20 mnues before entering real life again. its not going to happen. so how do i compromise right now? im walking wide eyed terrified alone on this big ball in vast nothingness, where do i find my “easy”? my inheritance was the same “strength” and stubbornness my parents had - no opportunity, no priviledge. i’ll survive, but it wont be pretty. 

if i get disability, i want to move. although i want to go to college, that’s a really big step in life that i think i can just hold as a goal. i would like to go to college before im 30. considering i am still interested in my original course and its something that is recession proof and doesnt really require “upgrading” any skills in the future - it’s a totally feasible and good goal. so i want to move. and i could probably move anywhere in ontario or the gta. i mean not even probably - i literally can. i can go anywhere. i have friends here. but i made them all in the past 2 years, without working. i guess i “worked” but it wasnt “work. i found a way to make that “easy”. 

i want to live a creative life. thats my pretty top priority in “easy independence”. i also want to accept that this is plan a b and c. theres no like, “well if this person comes along”. this is so desirable to me that it should take months of considderation to break down the intricacies of my own wants and desires and things i provided myself to decide to merge with someone. 

so im trying to do that. and it takes alot of thinking because this is life or death for me. this is happiness or failure. this is being stable and content or homeless poverty. im “afforded the luxury” of living somewhere “safe” that i can afford as i think about these things. where do i want to move? i want to have my own place. even if its like my friends with no kitchen, i want my own place that i dont have to worry about someone else in. my curret place feels like a hotel or dorm room.  i wan to feel comfortable spending time “alone” and actually be “alone”. id like to move closer to downtown because it was easier to walk around and had more ammenities. i consider also my doctor who woudve gotten me this opportunity and how important it might be to keep within travelling distance. but maybe its better to move? 

if i went to college, it would be in the same city he wants to move to, pretty much down the street 20 minutes away. thats the real insult to all of this. i could have a much easier time but hes decided to make both of our lives very difficult. do i want to move there if he does? or regardless? continue this expensive routine of having seperate places? or commute to college everyday, five days a week? its close to toronto, on the subway line - a total change from my life now. my life perhaps ever. 

i got the letter saying they got my application. it could take 90 business days to decide, which means i might not hear anything until november, maybe even december. which sucks pretty bad. but having even the glimmer of hope makes things “easier” for the time being. i still have this time to fill. and even if idid go to college next year, i have atleast a year before it starts. what do i do with the rest of 2017? he wants me to take a class. he told me also to start getting my liscence. i need a new phone to really kick off my new business idea and my desire to do anythng art related right ow is super low. i hate my environment. its cold and dark and damp and loud. i dont want to make anything, not even jewelry. 

i was paid five days ago but ive done nothing but buy weed and smokes. i havent bought any groceries yet. truthfully i havent showered since sunday (maybe saturday) and i wasnt even home until this morning. i mostly want to sleep. ive smoked so much weed, im not even really getting high anymore. spend some time with my cats who i had really started missing. im expected to open the arts colletive back up and announce upcoming plans but im still trying to care. just, at all. i fell off the radar and dedicated too much time to him and im sad that i cant even be anxious to seehim because even thats pointless now.