#she does make a TON of dog and werewolf jokes but he's used to that bcs of will

[misscrazyfangirl321]

Me: Time for bed

Brain: Okay but think of all the potential crossovers

[castlevania-afterdark-imagines]

Halloween Headcanons

HAPPY HALLOWEEN FROM MOD ROSE AND MOD SOVIET! Thank you guys for continuing to read the blog! We hope to be releasing some of the character matchups soon, but for today please enjoy this quick post covering the crew's holiday activities! Assuming modern for this post, kids probably aren’t trick or treating at Drac’s castle. 

Trevor

Costume for this year: Zombie, easy to make and fun to overdo when you've got the time. 

Favorite candy of all time: Snickers, he actively buys the fun sized ones for himself instead of full size because he knows his lack of self control. 

Favorite autumn treat: Baked apples, with a pint of whatever fancy autumn ale the local brew pub is trying out this year. 

Trick-or-treat etiquette: Leaves the candy in a big bowl on the front porch, which he guards by blending in with his ridiculous amount of decorations and scaring the daylights out of anybody who tries to take more than needed. 

Sypha 

Costume for this year: Mad Scientist,  complete with fake green blood spattered  robe and pipe cleaners shaped into *electricity* coming out of her floofed out hair. 

Favorite candy of all time: She loves all the tart and fruity things, but if you forced her to pick one she'd say Nerds.

Favorite autumn treat: Pumpkin bread, homemade and covered in a maple brown sugar icing. She tried incorporating the seeds into some sort of crumble on top but nearly burned the kitchen down trying to toast them.

Trick-or-treat etiquette: Answers the door, gushing over the kids who dress up and closing the door on teens who show up without costumes. She also keeps a small stash of allergy sensitive alternatives in case a parent asks for it. 

Alucard 

Costume for this year: Werewolf who just changed back to a human again, or at least that’s what he calls it when he realizes he forgot to get his costume together and wears a torn up shirt and pants with a little makeup to make him look haggard. (Offer to add on a dog collar and cuffs to sell the costume and watch him be really fucking prepared for next year)

Favorite candy of all time: Redhots, or any other cinnamon candy. They were always super easy to trade for, in that most kids didn’t want them so he just got to take them all home for free.

Favorite autumn treat: Hot and fresh apple cider, with a splash of brandy if he’s feeling particularly chilly that night.

Trick-or-treat etiquette: He’s not a big fan of answering the door every 5 min, but he manages a smile and a few pieces per visitor. Lights go off as soon as the sun goes down though.

Dracula

Costume for this year: He just fucking hauls some old ass armor from his closet and goes as a warlord and has won every costume contest every year. Cheater.

Favorite candy of all time: Dark Chocolate pieces, not too sweet and also no kid is going to complain if he fishes all of them from the candy bowl.

Favorite autumn treat: Homemade toasted pumpkin seeds, they’re infinitely better than the basic store bought ones you find year round, and he adds a little bit of extra spice to them in the form of ghost pepper powder. He can handle it, and it keeps people from filching them.

Trick-or-treat etiquette: His is known as the house that only the bravest kids go to, for no particular reason. The decor is pretty standard, the handfuls of candy are GIGANTIC, but Vlad is more than aware of the tall tales kids spin for each other about the giant who lives there.

Lisa

Costume for this year: She tosses a doctor’s coat over a long body hugging black dress, dawns a black big and dark makeup, and goes at “Morticia-n” Adams. It doesn’t matter if no one gets it, she knows and is smug as hell about it.

Favorite candy of all time: Caramels, just by themselves but she won’t turn down a caramel apple if one happened across her path.

Favorite autumn treat: All the fun autumn coffee drinks, she needs that caffeine hit for long hours at the doctor’s office and hey, gotta spice it up now and then.

Trick-or-treat etiquette: Loves answering the door, hypes up the kids over their costumes and kneels down to their level to hand them their candy. She doesn’t give them a ton though, doctor’s guilt and all.

Hector

Costume for this year: Elf, very much inspired by Lord of the Rings styling. It fits in well at the vet clinic with all of the animals and keeps him looking normal enough to not spook them.

Favorite candy of all time: M&M’s, they’re simply and easy to just fill a bowl with and munch on throughout the week of Halloween. Plus no extra individual wrappers that he was to worry about Cezar trying to munch on.

Favorite autumn treat: Caramel corn, again a simple and sweet finger food. But this one he much prefers to get at a festival booth when it’s still hot and you have the smell of it cooking lingering in your nostrils.

Trick-or-treat etiquette: He’s not a huge fan of answering the door, but he’ll put on a brave face since he knows for many kids this is a big deal. If he notices any kid getting bullied or jeered at he unceremoniously dumps the entire bowl in their bag and tells them to head home early to avoid any more issues.

Isaac

Costume for this year: Grim Reaper. It’s literally a robe and a scythe, super easy and minimal effort, but just enough effort to avoid being called out for not trying harder.

Favorite candy of all time: Not really a candy person, it’s all high processed garbage to him. But he does have a soft spot for butterscotch and strawberry hard candies like his grandparents used to have around all the time.

Favorite autumn treat: Pecan pie, he’s not a huuuuuuge sweets person but a slice of pie with a dark roast coffee to offset the sugar and he is instantly in a good mood.

Trick-or-treat etiquette: Always conveniently ends up away from home that night, mostly so he doesn’t have to hear the doorbell constantly. He’ll leave some candy out to avoid getting his house egged but that’s about it.

Godbrand

Costume for this year: Pirate, then he can make all the booty jokes and drink all the alcohol he wants.

Favorite candy of all time: He likes the chewy things, like taffy or Twizzlers but will honestly eat anything. More specifically, he will eat EVERYTHING if you don’t hide the candy meant for the trick-or-treaters.

Favorite autumn treat: Cinnamon rolls, cake for breakfast? Fuck yeah. (Nobody tell him you can have them year round)

Trick-or-treat etiquette: Is of the mind a kid has to go through a fuckin gauntlet of spooky yard decor to earn their sugar rush. Yes he is going to jump out and scare them in the yard, yes he is going to get nearly punched by a few spooked fathers, but he always rewards the kids with a decent candy haul.

Carmilla

Costume for this year: Banshee, it’s dramatic, dark, and scares the sweet jesus out of men.

Favorite candy of all time: Godiva chocolates, she buys a whole fancy box for herself at the beginning of each month. And then pretends she doesn’t eat them all in the first two days.

Favorite autumn treat: Cranberry things, like bars or jams. People have tried to argue with her that it's more of a winter thing but fighting with her over other things has never worked either so...her opinion stands unchallenged now.

Trick-or-treat etiquette: She’s hosting a very lavish party at her house, to be honest she probably rarely hears the doorbell. When she does answer it she lets the kids grab a handful from the ONE bowl she keeps by the door and when that’s gone she just turns off the outside light and stops answering.

-Mod Soviet

[dasphinxone]

Book of Nile: Werewolf and Witch AU

Alright, yes, I’m late for Halloween. But that also means I used Halloween to discuss an awesome AU where Booker is secretly an werewolf and Nile, his new neighbor in a rural town on the edge of the woods, is secretly a witch. Shoutout to @lady-writes​ @winterequinoxx​ @nevermindirah​ @highlightcity159​ @druidspell​ @rainofdreams29 @ruby-white-rabbit​ and the BoN chat for this amazing brainstorm.

Nile has just graduated from veterinary school after her time in the marines. She’s moved to a rural area in the northeast that’s in need for a vet since the old one plans to eventually retire. Renting a cute little cottage on the edge of the woods, she settles into a quiet life there. 

Nile does her daily runs on the trails through the idyllic woods in the mornings and sometimes at night. She gets to know the townspeople as well. They include  Andy, who runs a law firm in the town. Along with her wife Quynh, who is an interior decorator. Couple Yusuf and Nicolò run the coffeeshop/bakery across the  street from the veterinary practice where Nile works. They get to know Nile first since she swings by the shop every morning for breakfast. Soon, they start inviting Nile to dinner with them. It then eventually expands to dinner with Andy, Quynh and Booker. It’s the first time Nile meets Booker and he reveals he’s also her next-door neighbor. She’s surprised that she hasn’t met him yet. After all, she moved into the the town weeks ago. 

Booker is apparently the only single person among Andy, Quynh, Yusuf and  Nicolò. So Nile suspects the group is trying to set them up to date since they always seat her next to him. Booker’s nice enough (and pretty damn good looking). But he also seems distant towards her. While she’s fine with his company at dinner, there’s not really a huge connection there for her. However, they settle into a steady friendship, especially as she sees more and more of him as a neighbor. 

One night, Booker’s hanging out on his front porch when he catches Nile coming back from a night run. He’s stunned to see her out so late, especially in the woods. He warns her that there’s a lot of dangerous and aggressive wildlife out there that like nocturnal hunts. She waves him off and expresses that she can take care of herself just fine. Especially since she’s an ex-Marine. Booker tries to warn her again, looking worried. Nile again laughs him off and bids him goodnight. 

That’s because unknown to Booker, Nile is secretly a witch. In fact, her family has practiced magic going back generations and even before they survived the Middle Passage. She uses the excuses of her night runs in the woods to cover up the fact that she’s doing magic rituals there. Mostly because her magic is very nature based. In fact, it’s part of the reason why she became a veterinarian; her nature-based magic gives her a healing hand with animals, including wild ones. Other rituals she does are for self-protection, opening pathways, remaining in balance with nature and warding off evil influences that seek to harm in general. That’s all why she’s not particularly scared of the woods.

In the meantime, Nile runs into Booker on her own at the supermarket while she’s running weekend errands in town. He has a whole hot lumberjack aesthetic going on as per usual, with a plaid jacket over a denim shirt, jeans and hiking boots. Nile jokes that he must be having some sort of party at his place that he didn’t bother to invite her to since he’s buying so much red meat and food for a single person Booker insists he’d never be so rude. He just...eats a lot. 

Without warning, he quickly excuses himself and all but flees from Nile. She finds it odd but continues her shopping. When she gets back to her cottage, she finds Booker reading a book and drinking coffee while sitting on his front porch. While he waves hello, he quickly goes inside. Nile is annoyed; as far as she can tell, she didn’t say anything offensive to him. So why in the hell does it seem like he’s avoiding her?

One night later, there’s a full moon. While Nile is aware that wolves are native to the area, she’s surprised at how loud they are that night. Yet the constant howling doesn’t bother her much. If anything, it soothes her to sleep. However, she wakes up the next morning to find holes dug up throughout her backyard, like some sort of dog or wolf has been messing around back there. There’s no damage or blood, so she just fixes up her yard and moves on. 

Over the next few weeks as the autumn gets colder, Nile realizes she’s going to need to start stockpiling wood for her wood stove that helps warm her cottage. She heads back into town where she runs into Booker at the general store. This time, he’s much more friendly with her. 

When she explains that she’s going to have to spend more money than she thought stockpiling wood, he quickly offers to start chopping it for her. She’s taken aback at how quickly he does so. Yet he’s super friendly about it. At the same time, she doesn’t want to take advantage, so she tries to decline. Booker insists that it’s no big deal. He’ll just add whatever surplus of wood he doesn’t need to her pile at the side of her cottage. She won’t even know he’s there. Nile agrees. 

She starts finding herself running into Booker all over town. She also finds out from Yusuf and Nicky that they’ve known Booker for a long time. It turns out he’s a computer coder/programmer who works remotely from home. They also assure her he’s a good guy. At the same time, he can get a little melancholic sometimes and drinks a bit. Mostly because his wife divorced him after she had a string of tragic miscarriages. His wife also missed their native France. She let him keep the house and moved back to France. Last they heard, his ex is happily married to someone else and has kids.  

Nile starts noticing a pattern; Booker is either super friendly with her or oddly distant. Every few weeks, he’ll just disappear and she’ll see no trace of him at his cottage next door. She chalks it up to his depression over his breakup with his wife. While she’s not a therapist, she leaves him little care packages of her baked goods whenever he disappears. He always returns her Tupperware to her after a few days. Though the first time she includes chocolate treats, he politely tells her he’s allergic to them. From then on, Nile avoids giving him chocolate.

Eventually, Booker and Nile grab dinner together and get a bit tipsy. They end up sleeping together and both have a damn good time. Nile notices that Booker is a bit possessive in bed and seems very much into her, in a good way. He’s also super tactile. And really into how she smells. He also doesn’t seem to mind hanging around the next morning and immediately offers to cook Nile breakfast. Everything goes off without a hitch and Nile and Booker soon start sleeping together regularly.

That’s when Nile starts noticing more of Booker’s slightly odd behavior.

He’s always leaving his sweaters and sweatshirts at her place. When she tries to return them, he refuses and insists that she should wear them to keep warm. Whenever he sees her wearing one of them, he gets super excited. He offers to fix things around her house instead of her wasting money on a plumber. He always makes sure her firewood pile is stocked up. He loves taking walks with her in the woods. He’s always offering to cook for her whenever she likes. Especially because he seems to pretty much inhale a ton of food. However, he always makes sure her fridge stays stocked and she never runs out of anything. He’s protective of her but not in an overwhelming way. Nile’s not sure if they’re exclusively dating…but she wouldn’t mind if they were.

Meanwhile over Thanksgiving, Nile’s mother and brother come to visit her. Nile’s mother is still a practicing witch and her teenage brother is a warlock. As he’s not an adult yet, he hasn’t achieved his full power but he’s still able to cast lighter spells and do rituals.

Nile also has Booker over for Thanksgiving dinner since it'll be nice to introduce him to her family. As soon as Nile introduces Booker, her mother and brother immediately raise their eyebrows. For they both realize that Booker is not the human he appears to be.

Nile’s brother tries to tell her something is up with Booker. But she assures him that Booker has been nothing but sweet to her. He gives her space when she wants it. Yet he’s always willing to help her out whenever she needs it. Almost as though he revels being at her beck and call. Besides, Nile’s a powerful witch in her own right and has enough protection spells wound around her.

Her brother explains that he’s not worried about Booker doing anything to her. He’s far more concerned with the trouble he can bring to her doorstep because he’s not what he appears to be. At the same time, Nile’s brother says that it’s not his right to reveal to Nile what Booker is, as he’ll have to do that himself. 

Nile is confused, but takes her brother’s words to heart. She also appreciates how her brother does a protection ritual for her and her cottage before he and her mom leave. Nile's mom also leaves her a ton of fresh ingredients and blessed items for her spells and rituals.

Two days after Nile’s mom and brother leave, there’s a full moon. Which means the wolves howling in the forest are back. Again, it doesn’t bother Nile and soothes her to sleep. 

That is until she’s woken up by noise coming from her front porch. She peers outside her window to find a VERY large wolf-dog looking animal whining and pawing at her door. It’s massive. Yet when it spots her, it doesn’t attack but rather starts nosing at the window, as though it’s trying to get her outside. Nile cautiously opens the door to find the wolf-dog bleeding from a nasty looking wound on its shoulder. The wolf-dog is nearly passed out and is losing blood fast. So Nile gets her veterinarian’s kit and drags the animal into her house.

It never attacks her. Not even when she sedates it. If anything, it’s exhausted but friendly. Sewing up the wound, Nile also casts some spells of healing for the wolf-dog so that it can heal faster. Not wanting to leave a traumatized animal alone, Nile falls asleep in the living room with its head in her lap. She doesn’t worry about a wild animal attacking her due to her own protection spells for herself.

When Nile wakes up the next morning? She finds Booker asleep and curled up with his head in her lap. Completely naked. And with a healed scar in the same exact place on his shoulder where she stitched up the wolf-dog the night before.

Booker quickly explains to a stunned Nile that he’s a werewolf.

In fact, the first time he met her at the dinner Yusuf and Nicolò had, he immediately picked up on how good she smelled. Just an intoxicating blend of spicy, boozy, vanilla, cinnamon and a hint of flowery deliciousness. It was so overwhelming that he mentally freaked out. And it got worse the next time he ran into her at the supermarket. That was because the closer he is to the full moon, the better and stronger she smells to him. It in turn makes him come off as awkward and weird. Mostly due to his general behavior getting more animalistic the closer he gets to the full moon.

He tells Nile that he’ glad she didn’t seem to notice his weird behavior. At the same time, Booker admits he finds it odd that out of the people he’s had a romantic interest in, Nile’s scent overwhelms him the most. Even more so than his ex-wife. Not wanting to scare her away, Booker initially thought a friendship with Nile would be enough to sustain himself. Well, that was until they slept together.

It also turns out that the reason that Booker is so close with Andy, Quynh, Yusuf and Nicky? Well, Andy and Quynh are a werewolf and witch pair, with Andy a werewolf and Quynh a witch. Joe is a warlock to Nicky’s werewolf, forming their pair as well. 

When Booker was bitten by a werewolf, his wife was initially surprisingly accepting of it. They actually ended up moving to the town soon after his first full moon so that he didn’t have to deal with too many people knowing his secret. However, she came to hate him due to going through the trauma of her miscarriages. She blamed the fact that he was no longer human for not being able to have children. Booker blamed himself as well. After his wife left him, Booker never believed that he’d ever find his mate. Well, that was until Nile moved in next door to him. Her scent set off something primal in him that had him attracted to her nearly at first sight. 

Except werewolves Andy and Nicky never got around to explaining to Booker how their witch mates have an attractive smell to them that only they can pick up on. So Booker was going nuts trying to control himself around Nile. He of course didn’t want to be a creep and be all up in her space, scenting her.

The reason Nile smells so wonderful to Booker? He was picking up on her hereditary witchiness. However, he didn’t realize that she was a witch until she stitched him up in wolf form and cast her spells to speed up his healing. He swears he’ll keep her witchiness a secret. Especially since he trusts her to keep him being a werewolf a secret from everyone else outside of the other four.

Nile is stunned by this information. She’s also concerned about him potentially biting her and turning her into a werewolf. Booker is horrified at the concept. He explains:

1.)    Modern, enlightened werewolves do not turn people without their consent. It’s rude as hell.

2.)    Even if he were to non-lethally bite someone in werewolf form, they have to be genetically predispositioned to turning. So not everyone who’s bitten even turns.

3.)    Nile is full of powerful, generational magic flowing through her veins. Plus, her protection spells (which Booker was also picking up on before he realized she was a witch) protect her from getting turned anyway.

Booker being a werewolf also explains how Nile’s mother and brother realized that he wasn’t quite human. Along with Booker basically courting her protective wolf style while in human form. Leaving his sweaters and sweatshirts around her place means she’s constantly wearing his scent. Constantly cooking for her shows he’s a good mate who provides food for his beloved. Fixing up her place on his own, making sure her fridge stays stocked and getting her firewood also shows he’s a good mate who provides the best shelter.

Basically, modern and enlightened werewolves hunt big game during the full moon. Booker does so with his pack of Nicky and Andy. Witch Quynh and warlock Joe will sometimes accompany them because the nights of the full moon are when magic is the strongest. In fact, Booker is surprised that they’ve never run across Nile in the woods on full moon nights.

She explains that due to the wolf howls she’d hear on those nights, she practices her magic at her cottage. Which also explains why wolf Booker showed up on her doorstep when he got injured; the magic spells protecting Nile and her home ensured that he wasn’t there to harm her but actually needed her help.

Basically, Nile and Booker are both adorable dumbasses who didn’t realize each other’s true natures.

When Nile facetimes her mom and brother to let them know she and Booker are not only together but that he’s also a werewolf, the two of them joke that they’re shocked she didn’t realize something was up with Booker. After all, he was all over her and the house when they visited her for Thanksgiving. And in what were clearly wolfy courting rituals. He also was pretty submissive to Nile’s mom and especially her brother. That was clearly a sign of Booker accepting her family. Also, witch and werewolf pairings occur pretty naturally in the mystical world.

So it was no wonder that Booker was literally sniffing around her for months on end before they slept together. His scenting of her also increased afterward. Didn’t Nile realize how much Booker loved it whenever she wore his clothes? Because it meant Nile was voluntarily wearing his own scent and accepted him into her life .

Nile is aghast. Her mother and brother roll their eyes but are happy for the pair of them.

As Nile and Booker settle into their relationship and Nile’s friendships with the other four deepen, things are going well. That is until Merrick and his assistant in Keane suddenly show up into town.

It turns out they’re trophy monster hunters who have heard rumors of witches and werewolves out in the woods. The townspeople immediately find Merrick extremely irritating and Keane scarily aggressive. With Merrick and Keane sniffing around, Andy, Quynh, Yusuf, Nicolò, Booker and Nile are on high alert.

Will they be able to survive Merrick and Keane’s invasion of their little town? And will Booker and Nile’s courtship be able to weather the coming storm?

[plush-anon]

Happy Halloween Scooby Doo! Review

Muahahhhahahhahahaha! Thanks to the Walmart tradition of stocking movies for sale weeks before the intended release date, I have myself a copy of what claims to be Scooby Doo’s FIRST Halloween adventure!

…in spite of movies like Witch’s Ghost and Goblin King, holiday specials like WNSD’s A Scooby Doo Halloween (which had a haunted Scarecrow too…), BCSD’s EL Bandito (for Dia de los Muertos - obvs not the same, but most companies act like it) and Halloween, The NSDM’s Halloween Hassle at Dracula’s Castle, and the DTV short film Scooby Doo and the Spooky Scarecrow (which, ironically enough, did NOT take the opportunity to feature Dr. Jonathan Crane). 

So let us take a look now at Happy Halloween Scooby Doo! and see whether this film will be a graveyard smash of a treat, or a black licorice bomb of disappointment.

Full review (and SPOILERS TO GO WITH IT) are below the cut in my new review format; if all goes smoothly, I’ll go with this for future Scooby films.

WARNING: This review is very long.

One minor note before we begin: the Special Features actually include BCSD’s Halloween, WNSD’s A Scooby Doo Halloween, and PNSD’s Ghost Who’s Coming to Dinner

...so they were AWARE this was not the first Halloween adventure of the Scooby gang, and yet still use that tag line. Hm. 

Still, kudos for including them - this’ll help boost the reasons to keep this movie, if it turns out to be a real Milk Dud of a movie *ba-dum tish* :D

-----------

The movie starts off rather abruptly, actually - no slow pan over the setting, just WB Animation credit and BOOM, we’ve cut to a Halloween parade and Elvira is talking. 

I’m of a mixed opinion including Elvira on top of having Bill Nye and a Batman Rogue - while she most certainly fits the Scooby aesthetic, it doesn’t feel as grand an impact after her weird little cameo in Return to Zombie Island (ugh) and I’m not sure how well the movie will balance her in wait a minute

wait just a

WAIT A MINUTE

Did - did that parade float skeleton just sing Crystal Cove as the town’s name?

oh no. 

Oh No.

....also their song is terrible and they should feel terrible.

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Fred: We got him! Banh Mi Shop, second floor!

me: the heck is a Banh Mi Shop? *mild googling noises*

So I guess Jonathan Crane really had a craving for a Vietnamese sandwich before he enacted his Halloween scheme.

...you think he’s a lemongrass chicken type of guy or a BBQ pork guy? It’s always hard to guess at these things, esp when coffee and pumpkin spice aren’t on the table (as per fanon, of course)

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Velma: We have a flawless track record!

So I guess WB is just gonna ignore the past few DTV retcons established in 13 Ghosts and Return to Zombie Island?

I mean that rather defeats the purpose of them existing at all, but fcuk YEAH I can get behind throwing that retcon garbage out of canon!

And STAY OUT!!

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Shaggy, talking about ghosts being real: I’m like the boy who cried wolf - I keep warning you but like, you won’t believe me until I finally get eaten!

Yet again, Warner Bros makes a wolf reference to Shaggy. Yet again, I am torn asunder between wanting werewolf!Shaggy in a new Scooby property, and fearing for the appearance of werewolf!Shaggy in a new Scooby property. 

-------

Velma: Point is, being afraid is a waste of time!

Scarecrow, LITERALLY EXPLODING THROUGH A BRICK WALL three buildings away:

------

He’s floating through the air and t-posing to assert his dominance 🤣🤣🤣

Gods bless animation 😁

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Daphne @ Shag and Scoob locking themselves in the van: Are you serial?

Me: wait, SERIAL? *re-reads captions* yup, that says “serial”.  

Is this an editing mistake? I don’t think that works here…unless that’s supposed to be a joke on how they always do this. But then why would that be an irritating surprise, they literally do this EVERY episode 🙄

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Oh hey, Red Herring’s Party Screams truck has Red Herring running out of it

Could this be a hint to how the story goes? The villain appearing on a literal Red Herring?

Naaaaaah, WB’s not THAT smart

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So if we take @captainbaddecisions​​ crack theory on Jonathan Crane being Shaggy’s uncle seriously, does this mean that Jonathan is using magic to fly, float fear toxin orbs around himself, and making things explode, a la the family trait of Crack Theory A? 

Logically he’s probs using wires or magnets or some shit, but it’s a fun thought to entertain 😁

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Welp, we finally get the opening credits! … with Jonathan Crane smashing through the Mystery Machine’s windshield, set to a slow poppy song straight from the 60s, and spewing the title of the film out in glittery pink mist.

All the while Scooby and Shaggy throw candy at each other, deliberately obtuse to the cloud of fear toxin enveloping their friends and the townsfolk, the steady destruction of the Mystery Machine they’re laying in as multiple cars crash into it and send it spiraling, and the general mayhem and destruction that Scarecrow is causing

Never change, guys, never change

--------

I just choked on my lemonade

There’s an article plastered to the roof of the Mystery Machine titled “Talking Dog Confounds, Ignites Ethics Debate Over Dog Labor”

ahahahahaha

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Annnnnnnnd there goes the Mystery Machine, tumbling in the air and over the roads with Shaggy and Scooby still inside without seat belts. Will they perish in this horrible road accident? Will Death finally come to claim them at last?

Of course not. This is Shaggy and Scooby we’re talking about - I’m almost positive they can survive anything up to and including a nuclear bomb. This is child’s play to them.

-------

So they “capture” Scarecrow… by pinning his cape to a tree with crossbow bolts. 

And they do not try to at least tie up his arms or his hands in ANY capacity. 

JUST the cape. 

...you know, Velma, for a team with a “flawless” track record, you guys are making a hecking TON of mistakes in facing against one of Batman’s ROGUES GALLERY, ESPECIALLY with no Batman in sight, good freakin’ grief. 😩

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Yaaaaaaaaas, this Scarecrow design is LUSH

He’s got the lank, the height, the BTAS costume colors, the elongated face with beaky nose and pointed chin and angular cheekbones, the eyebags like Gucci, the furrowed brow… honestly the only thing missing is the more reddish color hair, and even that isn’t mandatory. I love 😍

Not to mention the HOT DAYUM voice he has - low and velvet rough and so godsdamned particular in a way that could either tie in to obscuring a southern accent as in fanon or just as a stringent academic, oh my yes. He’s voiced by someone called Dwight Schultz, who’s most well known for playing Captain ‘Howling Mad’ Murdock in the OG A-Team show, and someone called Reginald Barclay in Star Trek TNG and Voyager, if any of y’all know that character in particular. 

And of course, the first line he says is a delightfully wry “Oh, but I AM getting away with it,” with the sort of smirk that absolutely lends credence to why he’s a threat to Batman, and not some simpering wimp that can be defeated with some crossbow bolts in a tree.

I think I’m going to enjoy this movie at least somewhat, so long as we get to see him 🥰🥰🥰

(tho on a side note: Daphne why on EARTH are you trying to film Crane saying the meddling kids line? Do you have a video compilation of past villains who’ve done that, and you hope to add his to it? Was your phone damaged when you went up against the Riddler a few DTVs ago and you want a second shot at recording a Gotham Rogue saying it? Bc I don’t think a Gotham Rogue would be too pleased with seeing himself as a Mystery Meme on the Youtubes, you get what I’m saying?)

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Okay, so the floating orb things are explained away as fear toxin bomb drones somehow… despite looking nothing like the other drones and being much smaller with no visible propulsion, while also flying unassisted through and around objects to explode against places once flung…

(tho interesting note, none of them are aimed directly at the crowds, just behind them - odd, that)

But how did he heckin’ FLY at the beginning?

Yeah, they show him wearing wrist-mounted grappling hooks at the end of the intro song sequence, but they are NOWHERE IN SIGHT at the beginning - and I do mean in sight, since he emerges against a backdrop of flames. There was nothing there (see the T-pose above for further evidence), and nothing there when he FLEW THROUGH THE MYSTERY MACHINE’S WINDSHIELD AND FLEW BACK OUT AGAIN. And these things are pale silver, which stands out like crazy against the darker backgrounds, so no hand-wavy ‘they were always being used’ bullcrap we’ve seen in other movies. 

Hmmm *scribbles in notepad* note to self, add notation concerning Crack Theory A on magic!Shaggy to “Uncle Crane” theory files - evidence denotes that Crane is able to fly (or at least hover in mid-air unassisted) for terrorization purposes. May boost strength of CTA by family association, lending credence to magic inheritance along the bloodline...

------

“Avocado Toast Generation”? Crane, I honestly don’t know if you really mean that, or if you understand just how much that phrase gets under any Millennial/Gen Z kid’s skin. Having seen multiple variations of your character, it really could swing either way (tho kudos on the dead switch idea - very nice 👍🏻) 

Although this does lead to an interesting stand-off: Fred, upon seeing the town threatened with 3 days worth of fear toxin, immediately moves to let Crane go, while Velma stops him and refuses to consider compromising if it means Crane escapes.  They both look legitimately frustrated at the other for taking the stance they do. 

Fascinating~

------

Hmmm

Crane honey, I don’t know if your drones are made of flash paper and hope, or if Scooby and Shaggy are using the reeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaally old candy (the stuff made about ~3 years ago most neighborhoods give out to the teenagers that knock around midnight on Halloween) to shoot them down, but either way you may wish to speak with the manufacturer about this

Then again, this IS Shaggy and Scooby - they probably could’ve spat marshmallows at the drones and brought them down with equal success and explosions 

(and good on them for shooting those down! Atta boy 👍🏻)

-------

Aw dang it

1. They still have Crane captured and now in handcuffs (despite having… you know… NOT been bound by anything except cross bolts in his curtain cape thing)

2. Dwight Schultz has decided to pitch his voice higher and more nasally than what he has. Hopefully this is more of an incredulous sort of pitch than something that sticks for the rest of the movie, ugh.

Also, I think they’re framing the movie to be more Velma-centric this time around - she’s the one explaining to Crane how they tracked him down, apparently through a piece of fan mail he sent Elvira (is that the only reason she’s there? Also why was Velma examining random pieces of fan mail for toxins, Elvira probs gets hundreds a week irl) and it looks like they’re framing something up on how fear isn’t something you can pretend isn’t there. neat!

------

whajit

53rd? 

53rd?!?!

ONLY 53rd?!?!?!?!

Boooo, Scarecrow’s WAY more popular than that! I call foul

---

Okay why is Daphne’s schtick so far to spit laaaaaaame slang after every sentence Velma says

I would rather this not be her schtick

Actually could she go back to filming mystery stuff, bc at least I can pretend it’ll build into the OG Zombie Island Daphne

----

Phew, his voice has returned to its low, raspy goodness

also, Crane needs to learn about personal space, good grief

(interesting clue brought up tho - Crane only steals tech that CAN’T leak his toxin, ergo it can’t be tracked until he releases it. Sensible use, given that Batman probs tracks it if it does.)

----

Velma: I’m not afraid of you, Crane. Fear is an illogical reaction to an imagined threat. 

Crane:

-----

Crane: Fearless, then. Intelligent. Proud and stubborn. You remind me very much of the one person in this world I care about. 

uhhhhhh

Yourself? Harley? Edward Nygma? Ichabod the raven? Idk, I’m honestly curious as to where this thread will go 🤔🤔🤔

-----

Fred, leaning against the Mystery Machine: Guys, it’s gonna be okay. She told me!

O_o

Fred? Honey? Are you sure you weren’t supposed to join Crane in the transport vehicle back to Arkham? 

----

OH SWEET JESUS SHAGGY GREW YAOI HANDS

WHAT THE HECK 

THAT’S WAY MORE UNNERVING THEN YOU GUYS NOT BEING AFRAID ANYMORE

(although the fact that they’re both unsettled by NOT constantly shaking or having their heart racing is honestly kind of heartbreaking. Y’all need therapy, good grief)

----

Shaggy and Scooby just chewed up candy (wrapper and all) to make themselves a Halloween costume of… what looks like barfed-up candy (ew)

Before then proceeding to dance so well that everyone around them also starts dancing in a 60s-70s era rainbow light show and giving them candy

I worry for these two sometimes - that kind of power seems to be getting to their head 😬😬😬

---

Oh hey, acid green toxic waste is spilling from an 18-wheeler onto the Fear Toxin drones and emitting a purple pink haze that envelops a pumpkin patch! That won’t do anything suspicious at all I bet!

(wait is Poison Ivy going to come into this at some point)

(also major kudos to the music here - very 80s horror synth, I like)

----

So the Pumpkins have grown faces, limbs, consciousness, the ability to fly and a lust for human flesh

And they appear to be led by the Pumpkin King of the Pumpkin Patch mentioned in the Charlie Brown Halloween special

He’s not as friendly as I pictured him being, sadly 😕

---

Why is this random ass cop coming up to FD&V to say that they’re in over their heads… AFTER the mystery’s been solved?

Like dude, you’re only making yourself suspicious at this point, go home

----

Huh, interesting - the gang are being interviewed for a tv news network while they’re considered the town heroes

Why am I getting bad vibes from this…

Eh, it’s probably nothing

----

Velma: {Shaggy and Scooby} are, um… REALLY into the Halloween spirit. 

Shaggy: THIS ISN’T COSPLAY, VELMA!

I’m dying 😂

------

Holy Shit

Velma just snapped and went off on Shaggy and Scooby for acting scared and doing nothing to help wrap up the mystery

(even though these guys are the ONLY reason that the gang didn’t have to choose between setting Scarecrow free and poisoning the entire town for 3 days straight, but hey, what do I know - I’m just writing an in-depth reaction post to this movie and taking note of details like this, clearly I know nothing *eye roll*)

Last time I saw Velma critique the guys’ usual mystery solving shenanigans, it was much more low-key and without knowing they were nearby

But I’m sure that’s just a coincidence

------

What the

Bills?

Bills?!?!

Fred just mentioned that fixing the Mystery Machine was going to leave a hefty bill and that they may need to get dishwashing jobs to earn money

Which is more of a job you might expect a high schooler to get on the go and yet

They actually have to pay bills 

How old are they here??!

------

wait a tic

THIS is how they introduce Bill Nye?

He just calls up Velma with no explanation other than Velma saying “Oh hey, it’s Bill Nye!”

I just - what?!?!

How do you know him so well that he can just pull up your number and call you, and then geT YOU A NEW FREAKING CAR LIKE

WHAT?!?!?!?

Was there a Scooby episode with him in the past two years where the fcuk did this come from

------

Also the car is dressed like Bill Nye

And he can talk to the gang directly as the car

So that he can solve mysteries with them whenever he wants

This… this was not what I was expecting to come about from the Bill Nye cameo 

(alas, poor predictions of being Crane’s roommate, you will not come to pass this day) 😔

-------

Ooooo, purple haze throbbing on the horizon! That’s always a good sign of things to come! 😀

------

 And now Daphne’s… asking Elvira to mentor her fashion wise. And Elvira’s taking her on as her unpaid intern/personal assistant.

Yooo, movie, can you pick a direction and stick with it for Daphne? You’ve gone from her spewing outdated slang to wanting a costume for trick-or-treating, and now this. 

-------

Welp, now I can say I saw a giant pumpkin dog vore an old woman

I didn’t WANT to see that mind, but I guess I can say it now 😐

------

OH SHIT NO

IT TURNED HER INTO A FLYING PUMPKIN SHAPED LIKE HER FACE

ABSOLUTELY UNSETTLING, 0/10 WOULD NOT RECOMMEND

-------

At least we get a nice scene of Daphne kicking the pumpkins’ collective butt

Something normal

------

Elvira: WOW! You’re a regular Mary Sue!

*falls over cackling*

------

And now there’s a giant purple fissure opening up in the concrete to swallow the town of Crystal Cove whole 

(good, i whisper softly into the darkness of my living room. Let it fall)

--------

Man, I feel so bad for this single father right now

He’s gotten wrapped up in all of this nonsense with his daughter, and he is just Distraught at being chased by Jackal Lanterns, having the town collapsing under his feet, and having to gorge jump in his sedan to get away from the worst of it

It’s okay, Mike Dad - we would feel the same way in your shoes

-------

Hologram Bill Nye is wearing Cat ears and cat whiskers/nose, and is cleaning his hands like a cat cleans its paws

Why was this the movie we found out Bill Nye was a furry

Why Warner Bros 

Why would you inflict this upon us in a Scooby Doo-Scarecrow mystery

-------

Hey, can Jonathan Crane return now? The movie needs its dignity back. 

------

A clue on the whys here - the town was built on top of a MASSIVE lithium deposit, with the talks to mine it being scrapped due to environmental concerns. That’s actually a decent lead in for why some 

-------

Welp

The Jackal Lanterns just went full Mad Max with the Halloween Parade floats and cars

No, I don’t have any idea why either, just roll with it

-------

Nice, they confirmed that Fred’s full name is still Frederick Herman Jones XD

Also a great little action sequence with Daphne - while there’s not much movement, they frame the scene dynamically, with some good quick wordplay. Very nice. 

--------

Velma has a mind palace

Aight

--------

Velma: Shaggy, I could kiss you!

Oh, to hear this as a child, when I still hardcore shipped Shelma *sigh*

------

Oh thank gods we’re going back to Scarecrow again

------

Shaggy ate some Scooby Snacks, leapt out of a moving vehicle, and onto the backs of two flying pumpkins that he promptly reined in to fly to Crane’s prison transport

...yet again, I am amazed at the sentences I am led to type for Scooby Doo DTVs

------

Ah, how very Hannibal Lector of you, Jon 

Man, he actually looks very meek in normal clothes - red long-sleeved shirt and grey slacks

-----

Hmmm

So Crane ISN’T behind the Jackal Lanterns - in fact he’s outright befuddled by them. This means his whole spiel to Velma earlier about both of them being caught in the same trap was… metaphorical? The breakdown doesn’t actually go into WHY he thinks they’re in the same trap - Crane’s whole schtick is tied to accepting fear, not denying it, so why would they be the same?

Either way, someone is using both him and Mystery Inc to do something to Crystal Cove (please be Red Herring, please be Red Herring, please be Red Herring)

Actually, that reference at the beginning really WAS a red herring - they framed it as being Jon the whole time when it wasn’t. Kudos!

Additional kudos to having Jon be seen more out of mask than in - he is a looker, and I aim to look as much as I can ;)

-------

Annnnd Daphne’s now trying to convince Elvira to switch clothes with her

I don’t get it - how on earth did we get from Daphne trying to find a good costume for trick-or-treating to asking Elvira to switch oh there it is nevermind.

-----

There is literally a scene where a giant buzzsaw is slicing towards Crane

and he just

stares at it

going “huh, that’s different”

And I LOVE IT

------

And here we have another fascinating scene: Velma going to free Crane from his cell, as Daphne tells her to just leave him to die by pumpkin

I’m wondering if they meant to draw a parallel between the two here - Velma starts by reciting a nursery rhyme, then overcoming her fears in order to release madness to take control. It’s not done very cleanly - mainly bc we barely have any time with Crane in this movie - but I wonder if they meant to insinuate that Crane was like Velma once, where he refused to acknowledge he was afraid, which caused him to lose focus on his initial goals

Idk, ignore my ramblings

---

Crane, smirking: I’ll need my personal effects - extenuating circumstances.

Me, fanning myself: I’ll need you to remove yours first

(i am not even kidding, Crane is an absolute DILF in this movie and it flusters me. Stupid sexy animation)

---

YAAAAAAAAAAASSSSS

SCARECROW TO THE MOTHERFCUKING RESCUE BABY, SCYTHE AND FCUKING ALL!!!

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

----

FCUK YEAH THE GIFT THAT KEEPS ON GIVING

HE HAS A DANCE LIKE QUALITY WITH SOME OF HIS FIGHTING MOVES

VIOLENT DANCING BRINGS THE GIANT JACKAL LANTERN DOWN BABY

THEN HE BACKFLIPS AND GYMNASTIC SWINGS INTO THE VAN

ROCK IT SCARECROW FCUKING ROCK IT

(minor note here, but the subtitles show Dr. Crane instead of Scarecrow - unsure if that’s more that the movie calls him Dr Crane or if it indicates he’s acting more heroic than villainous)

---

GODDAMNIT

THE GIANT PUMPKIN SNUCK VINES INTO THE VAN AND STOLE HIM BACK 

WHEN CRANE WAS... wearing a seatbelt before, but isn’t now.

...

BOOOOO

---

Yet again, we find a Scooby movie that attempts character development, but with Velma

Unlike Shaggy’s Showdown however, I’m mixed on how successful it is.

For starters, Velma hasn’t been this cocksure in other DTVs we’ve seen, so it’s a bit odd to see it now. While not 100% out of place - after all, the gang DID capture one of Batman’s Rogues Gallery on their own - it still feels a touch forced. Compare that to Shaggy’s Showdown, where Shaggy has ALWAYS been a coward (one that, in more recent years, writers have had willing to abandon his friends for safety), so the character development there feels more natural. 

The progression of events with Velma actually work somewhat okay - but again, here’s where past DTVs come to bite them in the ass. The past handful have had the gang be wrong, have had them fail, or catch the wrong guy. This makes Velma’s attitude here at odds with the other films, something that sticks more due to a character that’s appeared in the past few films as a minor inconvenience - a Sheriff who keeps telling the gang not to interfere, they’re doing things wrong, etc. If this had been a character who was completely wrong in the past AND SHOWN TO BE WRONG FOR HIS OPINIONS, while the gang never guessed wrong, this would work much better. Unfortunately, it doesn’t, and here we are. 

I think it would have flowed better if Velma’s cockiness came solely from catching Crane on their own. Have a random cop character or reporter or whatever (just not the recurring cop), insinuate that the gang is in too deep with Scarecrow, that he should be handled by the adults or professionals or whatever. Velma could bristle, overcompensate, and THEN fall from her pedestal like we see, reach out to the gang and commiserate over feeling scared, and grow. Again, it’s not too far to reach for, but they handle it poorly; as a result, the outcome feels a little more shoehorned in. 

It’s an honest shame, bc we haven’t had a Velma centered story since Frankencreepy, and we all remember what a hideous fcuking mess THAT was *shudders*. Still, it somewhat gets its point across, I guess.

---

Fred why did you rip your shirt off

Actually better question why do you not have nipples

--- 

Awwwwwww

Velma just apologized to Shag and Scoob for snapping at them earlier, and admits how she doesn’t appreciate how much they make Mystery Inc what it is

Also she eats a Scooby Snack with them and admits they taste pretty good

----

Huh

Velma’s mind palace is the Mystery Machine driving through space

Also Shaggy and Scooby are able to telepathically follow her in and communicate with her

Literally, they actually followed her into her head telepathically, and show her their memories of things she hasn’t gotten to see tonight (while also possibly enhancing her ability to remember things, given how much DETAIL she captures perfectly of things that she would maybe have glimpsed in a millisecond AT MOST)

...another tally for Crack Theory A of magic! Shaggy and Scooby *scribbles*

-------

Fred, be very very thankful that there are no people operating those pumpkins in person cause uhhhh

Those traps would be spraying red instead of orange

------

Another weird music choice - the gang goes up to fight the Jackal Lanterns, but the music is the same 60s bubble we heard earlier 

Not terribly atmospheric, really

(wouldn’t a Smashing Pumpkins cover of Scooby Doo be more appropriate, or did you guys spend all your money on hiring Elvira and Bill Nye?)

------

Dang

Velma just admitted her fears and jumped into the mouth of the Mega Pumpkin, before getting Fred to use the app from earlier to shut it down, revealing it to be a giant drone surrounded by smaller pumpkin drones

This feels… counterintuitive, but I’ll try to explain at the end

---

Okay

I’ll admit it

The Whodunnit is actually pretty decent in concept

There was a sprinkling of tidbits that could be assembled for the final conclusion and still make a decent amount of sense, all to find the sheriff doing it 

Only he isn’t a sheriff

He’s a former Tech CEO who was also busted by the gang years ago in a case the Sheriff kept bringing up throughout the movie - due to his prison sentence, he lost more than half his wealth and the opportunity to expand it further with the Crystal Cove Lithium deposits

He was also someone who sold tech to Crane for his fear toxin distribution, where he got the idea to frame him for it

(tho on a side note, Crane is an absolute dork and a terrible liar - just look at the email he sent XD and that profile pic, my gods)

He deliberately picked at the gang for the past few DTVs (specifically 2: Return to Zombie Island and Curse of the 13th Ghost) to fracture their confidence, undermine them, etc - all so that in one fell swoop, he could retake his fortune, frighten everyone in town away from the mines so they couldn’t interfere, frighten away the gang (while also ruining their reputation as mystery solvers), and take Crane off the docket so he couldn’t identify the CEO when he pretended to be the sheriff

This… is actually a pretty damn good plan, for a Scooby villain. He was patient, manipulative, and clever, learning how best to tie up loose ends and win back what he lost. A clever revenge story that came so close to coming to fruition, and could have honestly been sold convincingly… 

...if it hadn’t been done so much better in Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed. 

Yeeeaaaah, this movie basically lifts the rough framework up from that one - past mystery villain comes back to attack the gang and ruin their reputation (tho this one decides to also make his fortune back and tie up loose ends with former criminal contacts, a la Crane). Gang is embarrassed in front of the news folk, another villain is framed for it (like Old Man Wickles of the Black Knight fame), and the gang must reconcile to foil the villain for good.

Although it also??? Merges elements of Frankencreepy in it?? The movie is focused on Velma, who is struggling to admit when she’s wrong (which ties into her fear, somehow… I’ll think on that point a little) and things purportedly go haywire when she won’t bend. This… isn’t illustrated as well here, since there’s very little direct cause-and-effect from Velma’s actions that would prove this point - that insisting her way is the right, best, and therefore only way to go ends up making things worse.  

As much as I despised Frankencreepy (and I DESPISED IT), it did do that part well - showing that refusing to budge on something can lead to you hurting your friends (literally, in that one), and that admitting you were wrong and need help isn’t the end of the world. 

(that movie also had former villains returning to gain vengeance upon the gang using psychological warfare, hm - may need to go over that one again, unfortunately).

It’s a shame, too -  the basic elements for this plot are all here, they just need to be polished and reworked a bit to make a really fascinating movie. 

------

Anyways, back to the asshat CEO who just… faked being a sheriff. Because white people can get away with that so long as they have the outfit and the car *throws up hands* (the sad part is this is probably something that actually happens)

As he drives away we see a familiar silhouette looming in the cornfields, watching him approach

Velma had Bill Nye on speaker, so he could record the entire confession for the federal officers nearby (who were taking Scarecrow back to Arkham), and track the phone signal to his exact location

And right as his holographic call cuts out, we see the shadow of a Scarecrow looming over him, causing him to scream.

When the feds arrive at his final location, both his body and the money have vanished. The car still sits, engine running, before the crows leering over him from the field vanish into the sky. 

-------

Now that he’s dead, the gang walks and finds themselves at a Halloween party, with friendly faces and good food. The mystery is solved, though the culprit may never be found again. 

Then Daphne admits to NOT trying to steal Elvira’s costume for Halloween, but instead trying to steal Elvira’s identity and replace her. 

Something that she’s apparently nearly gotten away with on past mysteries working with Phillis Diller

*sighs* movie, why couldn’t you just stick to the costume schtick? This is just… so much worse. 

-----

From there, Elvira walks off to wrap things up, reveal the monster face on the back of her head sans wig (which was also a monkey), and start the credits, where we see the gang working to bring the Mystery Machine back to its former glory a la Frankenstein pastiche. 

This movie… this movie is a hot mess, but at least it’s an OKAY hot mess. 

It really does feel like someone started writing a decent Velma-focused movie concerning the Scarecrow and a past Mystery Inc villain interfering, but was bogged down by notes from higher-ups: Wait! Write in Elvira! Also write in Bill Nye! Hey, let’s have a Mad Max car chase with the Jackal Lanterns! And have Daphne obsessed with literally becoming Elvira! Also make reference to things that we’ll insist be explained this way instead of a way that makes sense! Great!

(seriously tho, we never find out who Crane cares about most that reminds him of Velma, what the heck?)

It’s like two or three different scripts were smooshed together without being cleaned up - stuff is said that doesn’t get resolved, the celebrity guests don’t get to breathe much and feel squished together, and the build-up for the villain feels… less impactful, even knowing that he’s been in the past two films. 

It might have worked if he’d been in… let’s say like 5 or 6 DTVs in a row, speaking roles for dissing the gang growing in each (ex start with “Good job kids! But maybe next time, leave it to the professionals, okay?” and growing more bitter from there), but only 2 feels kind of meh. Still, I do appreciate the clues we got to collect together, and they all work in the final breakdown of the scheme - some DTVs can feel like they pull stuff completely out of nowhere, so kudos there. 

I appreciate what they wanted to do with Velma - give her a character development arc similar to Shaggy’s in Shaggy’s Showdown. Unfortunately, it wasn’t set up quite so neatly: they blended her ‘refusal to admit fear’ with her overconfidence that she was always right, and it led to a weird conclusion. To face her fears, she leapt into the Giant Pumpkin, which… proved that she was right all along about it being fake, and that solves things somehow. It doesn’t address how she can get something wrong sometimes, it doesn’t really address what she’s afraid of (which is honestly quite good: she’s afraid of failing in a way that allows bad guys to escape justice and in a way that hurts her friends), it’s just a bit of a mess. Points for aiming the focus the right way (and in a way that DOESN’T sexualize the underage teenage girl, unlike some DTVs cough cough Frankencreepy cough cough), but it’s very very messy how it goes about it. 

The movie actually balanced pretty well for the whole gang - no excessive focus on one leaving the rest in the dust (too much at least - Fred was a touch underdeveloped, but nowhere near as annoying as past iterations have been. Shaggy and Scooby were kind of meh in some places but great in others, while Daphne was just odd. I think they were trying to recapture the BCSD Daphne characterization, but they failed. Still, she did spend some good time kicking ass with the pumpkins, so that was fun.

Now for the Rogue, Jonathan Crane. If you like Crane, this movie gives you: maniacal Scarecrow, calm and creepy Crane, a brief glimpse at fanboy!Crane (he admits in his own awkward way that he’s a fan of Elvira, and later tells her he loves her work - it’s fun), and (best of all for me) a heroic Crane - one who helps the protagonists and ends up kicking ass pretty damn well, brief as it was. And while DILF Crane is always a treat, he feels underutilized in this. In comparison, Scooby Doo/Batman Brave and the Bold really utilized a lot of different aspects of Riddler, to the point he actually does feel pretty menacing by the third act. It’s a shame we don’t quite get that with Crane, but I do love seeing him 1. More out of mask, and 2. Acting as a good guy (in his own way), so he’s enjoyable on the whole. 

I kind of wish that the whole movie was spent more with Crane, but again, the script is a bit of a mess on this part - the fact that he’s not completely screwed over is a goddamn miracle. 

Elvira was… okay. She didn’t have much of a purpose beyond getting the plot started and giving Daphne some hooks to play off of. Bill Nye (abrupt as his introduction was) did provide some necessary elements to the mystery, as well as the tech; he wasn’t too bad by the end. (still a touch bitter we didn’t get ex roommate Nye, but hey, what can you do)

Humor was… mixed. Some good, some meh, but very few long enough to feel painful. Some bits felt extraneous at times, but they did help to build to the conclusion, so points for effort.

At the end of the day though, I’m probably keeping this more for Jonathan Crane than anyone else. It does have a lot of fanfic potential tho 🤔🤔🤔

That’s all from me tonight, folks! Hope you enjoyed my own little breakdown of the movie. 

[cometcrystal]

favorite & least favorite scooby monsters by series

stipulations: the racist ones (zen tuo, the witch doctors, etc) would all get “least fav” by default so i’m gonna exclude them from this list so i’m not being redundant. we all know the racist ones are the worst. so these are my least favs that aren’t like. problematic.

ALSO it has to be a person in disguise OR an actual monster. it can’t be a villain that’s grounded in reality. so while i love professor huh, he doesn’t count here cause he’s a human and just Like That. likewise, i hate pericles, but he doesn’t count here cause he’s a bird and thus neither a guy in a mask nor a monster

sdway

fav - honestly a tie between the space kook and charlie. literally the GOATs. legends. 

least fav - THE ZOMBIE. FUCK THAT THING I HATE IT SO MUCH IT DOES NOTHING AND YET IT GETS MERCH

new sd movies

fav - moat monster. its just a big ol frog!

least fav - the ghost of redbeard. come the fuck on guys

the rest under the cut

tsds

fav - 10000 volt ghost and the technicolor ghosts. ik theyre just recolors of the giggling green ghosts but THEYRE ICE CREAM THEMED!! the creepy heap from the deep is also scary to me like if i saw him i’d run. honorary mentions are the skeleton men bc theyre cyclops but scooby doo doesnt care about calling stuff what it is and i think its funny and also i like the pterodactyl ghost. this show had a lot of good monsters

least fav - the rambling ghost. i dont dislike him but i dont rly DISLIKE any of the monsters from this series so i just picked the sports-themed one

scooby & scrappy

fav - the star creature. this thing is SO damn cool and unique. i also like the neon phantom because... what a weird concept

least fav - the blue scarab. BORING

new scooby & scrappy

fav - i guess the great white shark wins be default because i dont really care abt any of the others from this series. this show’s strength was daphne being back, not the monsters

least fav - phantom of the soaps. what a fucking loser

new sd mysteries 

im gonna keep it real with you chief! i was looking over the list of monsters and i literally dont remember a damn thing about any of them so i must have been disassociating for this entire series

13 ghosts

fav - DEMONDO. a comic book monster??? GOD thats so cool

least fav - nekara. dont take van ghoul away from his kids they need their dad

pup

fav - stinkweed cause i think its one of the only plant monsters scooby has had so far. also the design is very good

least fav - headless skateboarder. simon seville voice marijuana an unlawful substance used to experience artificial highs

wnsd

fav - the leeland brothers but i think its just because i love the chase song from that episode. also the mystery machine because i like when the mystery machine becomes evil and twisted. AND the toxic terror because fight capitalism + good design

least fav - headless snowman. it’s not even headless for god’s sake

sdmi

fav - the entity is honestly a shoo-in. name another scooby villain more evil and with as much impact. honorary mentions are the ghost truck, junk, the horrible herd, and the cicada monolith for some truly unique and scary monster concepts, and to the manticore for being marcie. sdmi had a TON of good ones

least fav - daphne’s writing wakka wakka. for real though fuck the dandy highwayman

bcsd

fav - the ghost of mother wins by FAR. probably the only tv scooby monster that actually legit creeped me out. also the rebooted space kook bc he’s had a glo up. bcsd also has a ton of good monsters!

least fav - the yeti bc the joke about it making no sense was funny but also the yeti itself doesn’t really do that much

guess who 

fav - i love the just so fucked up and twisted sia. its just sia but now shes evil. ALSO the screaming skulls of london & the dinosaurs in weird al ep are very good

least fav - the man-bat because it’s not even the actual dc man-bat it’s just the fucking joker again

scrappy era movies

fav - mirror shaggy. WAY better than werewolf shaggy imo

least fav - i wish i could bash in the skulls of reluctant werewolf’s version of count dracula and his two minions

zombie island era

fav - giant turkey :) & phantom virus! extremely cool monster he’ll zap ya!

least fav - as much as i LOVE the visceral horror and discomfort when fred rips off the zombie’s head cause he thought it was a mask, i just dont care about any of the monsters in zombie island

wnsd movies

fav - the loch ness monster. GENUINELY impressive. also the ghost of cleopatra bc god queen shit. bonus points go to everything in the goblin king

least fav - the chupacabra because THE CUPACABRA IS A DEMON DOG, NOT A BIGFOOT!!! and the yowie yahoo because THE YOWIE IS A BIGFOOT, NOT A VAMPIRE!!! literally how hard is it to do a google search before you design a monster

2002 & monsters unleashed

fav - its gotta be the 10000 volt ghost again. he’s my man

least fav - THE ZOMBIE!!!!!! FUCK THIS THING AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

cartoon network live actions

fav - the ghosts in the first movie SO good guys theyre SO good

least fav - shelma

2010s dtv movies

fav - THE PHANTOSAUR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HELL YES & the red ghost from the bobby flay movie is also extremely good imo i LOVE its design. & the multiple phantoms in stage fright. literally name something more iconic than the multiple phantoms

least fav - the big top werewolf.......scooby doo one of the things i love most dearly about you is when you make out-of-place monsters WORK (ex. a gryphon in a stage magic movie) but i really want something more exciting for a circus movie

dtv 20min shorts

fav - cornfield clem is my boy because i never cared about scarecrows before i saw this and he made me care. he and the scarecrow in scary stories to tell in the dark both showed me scarecrows can be interesting. thank u clem i love you.

least fav - i like all these monsters but ill list the sea monster here because just drink him up lol

[popculturebuffet]

Scooby Doo (2002) Review: The Most Punchable Fred Jones of All Time

It’s one last hurrah for Halloween as I take a look at the often derided 2002 Scooby Doo Movie! See what happens when you combine future superstar director James Gunn with .. the guy who thought directing the Smurf’s movie and Big’s Mama’s House were good ideas. Oh and with a splash of the guy who wrote the loveable family film Cheaper by the Dozen and the utterly loathed Percy Jackson film. It’s as messy as you’d expect with that.. but is it BAD? good, so bad it’s good, just sorta okay? Come with me as I try to find out under the cut with a full review. 

I’ve always loved Scooby Doo. I grew up with the guy, watching reruns of the non-scrappy classic series from Where Are You to the Scooby Doo Movies, the three Superstar 10 movies (Boo Brothers, Ghoul School and Reluctant Werewolf), or the at the time brand new What’s New Scooby Doo. And later in life i’d absolutely adore Mystery Incorporated.. minus the whole Shaggy, Scooby Velma love triangle, but i’ll likely cover that at some point or sooner, you can comission reviews from me for 5 bucks each, 5 dollars off group orders if you really want to make me suffer through that that bad. But getting off self promotion point is I loved and still love the franchise. While I”ve yet to see “Scooby Doo and Guess Who”, though given there’s Weird Al, Kristan Schaal and Urkel episodes you can be sure i’m going to eventually, and Scoob was VERY ehhh even if Dick Dastardly was awesome. But despite my history with the great dane much like with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, despite my rich history with the franchise I haven’t dove in yet and with a friend who could use a nice halloween suprise and loves scooby doo, I figured now was the time to take a look at it.  And since i’d been wanting to take a look at it again anyway, and decided going big wasn’t a bad way to start, i’m taking a look at the 2002 Scooby Doo movie. I saw this flim first run in a drive in, and saw the sequel the same way and loved it as a kid, and fondly remember checking out the Sountrack Preview page back before youtube existed to make checking out soundtracks easier. It was a simplier time. And even rewatching it later with my nieces, I found myself liking it.  And the thing was almost every time this film comes up it’s with a turned up nose. The CGI, the confused audience, the deciding to cast Freddy Prinze Junior.. all terrible decisions that overshadow the film, when it’s not that bad. It’s not GREAT, but it’s not TERRIBLE either. So what is it then? Well i’ll tells ya. Let’s start with

PRODUCTION: Wait James Gunn Wrote This?

At the turn of the millneium Scooby Doo was back on top. After waning popularity during the Scrappy era, the advent of the warner affilated Cartoon Network meant a whole new generation of kids (raises hand) got to experince Scooby Doo for the first time. This new audeince lead to Scooby Doo on Zombie Island, the first of the franchises 80 or so DTV movies that will continue on long after the earth dies, and brought back the franchise after it’s long slumber. Scooby Doo went from dead to as popular as he was in his hey day again. Naturally Warner wanted to cash in and thus this movie was born.  Originally the film was supposed to be a more adult project, a send up of the franchise with more sex jokes and what not than made the final cut according to writer James Gunn. Yes, the same James Gunn who wrote and directed the Guardians of the Galaxy movie and whose currently saving the suicide squad. It was one of Gunn’s earlier films but just from when he’s talked about it, you can tell he genuinely cared about the project.  Along for the ride with our future Guardian was his co-writer, Craig Titely,  who i’m convinced only came in to do punch ups as the guy has only written three other movies. One of them was being one of MANY writers on Cheaper by the Dozen and thus likely not doing much of note with that, and the other.. is being the only writer on Percy Jackson: The Lightning Thief’s movie adaptation.. aka the movie the fanbase and general audiences rejected in droves yet SOMEHOW got a sequel. Which is somehow still worse than his other film, one that asks “was the moon landing a hoax?” Spoilers, it wasn’t. Point is this isn’t a resume that screams co creator and more screams “Guy brought in to kid freindly this up”. More on that in a minute.  The director is another less than reassuring face: Raja Gosnell, whose credits BEFORE this film were Home Alone 3, Never Been Kissed and Big Momma’s house.. so already he dosen’t have the best track record but somehow got worse because AFTER this film and it’s sequel he directed both live action Smurfs Movies and the universally hated Show Dogs, aka the film  that thought dog rape was funny. The fact this film isn’t out and out terrible is a miracle. 

Even more so because naturally, as Studios tend to do they interfered: The film was supposed to be more adult, cracking jokes about common things fans of the series growing up thought like Velma is Gay or Shaggy’s a stoner, and having both be fully true. But wanting to appeal to kids, Warner gradually lightned it, hence Craig, and Raja clearly having no shame gladly took it instead of you know.. standing his ground.  So Velma has a love intrest thrown in and her kiss with Daphne is gone, while Shaggy’s toke smoking was lowered to subtext.. because either of those things is bad apparently? I dunno the 2000′s were fucked. 

Point is THAT’S why these films are so tonally confused and why I don’t hold it agains the film now I know: It wasn’t James Gunn or even, as dumb as he is, Raja Gosnell’s fault that the film had some tones clashing when the studio was demanding it, instead of you know, thinking this through at all and realizing more kids cared about Scooby Doo than they would’ve josie and the pussy cats instead of bringing it up DURING production, when most of the adult stuff was in there. It’s also why the sequel has no real adult stuff, though it’s STILL damn good, but i’ll get to that some other day. 

The film was also shot at an actual theme park in australia. Neat. 

So yeah the film’s humor kind of ping pongs between knowing adult winks and kids stuff. We get Scooby dressing like a grandma in the same film shaggy enhales his demon possed love intrests breath like weed. The jokes themselves on average are pretty good: Some of my faviorites include the grandma scene, everything rowan atkinson does, Velma getting drunk off her ass, and the instructional video bit which is easily my favorite bit of the episode and one of my faviorite scooby doo jokes period:

This is even FUNNIER to me on rewatch, as we now know this is an instructional video for demons.. and that Scrappy clearly had enough problems with his demon horde to have to pay for this thing. It tis glorious.  However there also are also a few that HAVE NOT aged well, are very creepy at best and disgusting sexual assault at worst with Daphne getting her ass grabbed by the Luna Ghost at the start being treated as a joke and Fred oggling Daphne’s body when he’s in it being treated as a ha ha and not...

So yeah the humor’s USUALLY good, but the slipups are noticable and do bring things down a bit when they come by. So the humor is decent if mixed and the production’s a nightmare, how’s the plot? The Plot: Scoob, We’re Getting the Band Back Together!

I won’t be as through as usual because this is a 90 minute movie, I’m running behind as is and it’s 20 years old, 

We start with your standard mystery inc case with the Luna Goose, aka Old Man Incel who resented Pamela Anderson for not boning him. But Fred hogging the glory during the resulting News Cast leads the gang to start fighting over lingering tensions: Velma is tired of Fred hogging all the credit when she does most of the legwork solving things, Daphne is tired of being kidnapped and being mistreated by Velma and Freddy who laugh at the idea of her doing more, and Fred..

We’ll get to him later. Shaggy is the only one wanting to stick together, but no one’s having it and the group breaks apart and Matthew LIllard REALLY sells Shaggy’s heartbreak over his friends all abandoning him well. 

Two years later though, with Shaggy and Scooby naturally getting stoned and eating large quantities of food on the beach, have made peace with retirement, and have apparently had to duck tons of people coming to them to solve mysteries since they aren’t about that. The latest in that line is a man representing Emile Mondovarius, the owner of Spooky Island, a vast island resort and theme park. Naturally since it has spooky in the name the boys want nothing but Mondovarius does what honestly every previous guy coming to them should’ve done: offers them an all you can eat buffet.  Since they’ve done more traumatizing for Dog Treats, they agree and it soon turns out the entire gang was invited, though none of them but Shaggy and Scooby are happy to see each other. I will say one of my complaints about the film is it never tackles the emotions behind the breakup: while the teams slowly repairs there are never any outright apologizes or scenes of them recociling or scenes of Shaggy chewing them out for abandoning him due to their spat. It just skips over the emotional bits to either wave a joke for the kiddies around or scream 

Really the jokes aren’t bad, the film just has trouble with actual emotion or depth that could’ve been there and tries for it once in a while, but dosen’t really do anything with it. The gang splitting up’s a good concept, and at this point on Scooby Doo on Zombie Island had really used it, and that was one where they were clearly still close friends and were still in touch they just quit mystery solving for a while till Zombie Island happened. Mystery Incorpreated would finally give this story justice later: Instead of over a petty ego squabble, the gang broke up over underlying tensions: The revelations about Fred’s dad caused him to go try and find himself, Velma alienated herself by hiding things from them, and Shaggy was shipped off to Military School and Scooby doggy prison camp... thankfully the last two didn’t last and Scooby rescued Shaggy with a tank but the tension DIDN’T go away: While the gang mostly reunited, Velma took time to forgive them and also tried bringing in the friend/girlfriend she’d made in the meantime only for her friends to isolate her and throw her out while Daphne took her time to return due to being hurt by fred. It’s complex and good stuff versus here where it’s just “WE’RE APART BECAUSE WE HATES EACH OTHER. And now we’re NOT”. It’s just a waste of a good concept and i’ m glad the franchise got around to doing it right. 

But my gripes aside our heroes head to the resort and meet Mondevarious, who admits outright to having tricked then and with confronted with the gang being broken up, makes it clear he knews.  “That’s the thing about broken things.. you can put them back together.”

And so he did. He needs the Gang’s help as he’s worried about the island and something going wrong there: The teens are leaving polite, well behaved. and clearly not themselves as one reacts to an old friend by neck lifting him and tossing him aside. Something’s deeply wrong here and the gang’s intrest is piqued enough to stay though everyone but Shaggy is determined to solve it themselves out of ego. Mondvarius is played by Rowan Atkinson and while I watched the bean movie as a kid this is where I fell in love with the guy, with later watches of Blackadder confirming that in my college years. Rowan just brings a fun dorky energy to the character and a nice earnestness too but when he later takes a turn for the bad, he does that well too. Atkinson is HIGHLY underated in my opinon and easily the MVP of this film’s supporting cast.   So the investigation begins, and we get our supsects: The first we met on the plane, Mary Jane, a kind blonde played by Isla Fisher who got the job becasue Gosnel, in a rare good decision, saw how talented she was and while still picking Sara Michele Gellar for Daphne, made sure she had  a part. She’s a nice sweet girl who Shaggy falls for and Scooby’s annoyed by it.. though unlike earlier the film beats mystery inc easily here as it’s a more understandable conflict and dosen’t act like Dog Issues is a thing people says. Again i’ll get to that clusterfuck of an arc some day. The other two are N’Goo Tuna, a shady worker at the park who spouts off the legends of the island. In a nice twist, he’s NOT the vilian, as is obvious but is his right hand man. He also has his own right hand and muscle in Zarkos a cool looking Luchador and N’Goo’s muscle. Also N’Goo may be one of the worst names in Scooby Doo History, and that includes Dabba Doo. But the legend claims the island was once owned by demons who want revenge since the resort took the island from him. 

The other is probably my faviorite non Rowan Atkinson character, Voodoo Maestro, played by Miguel Nunez. He’s basically just a guy who lives on the fringes of the island and also hates the resort and tries using voodoo curses. He’s honestly a delight from his attempt to sacrifice a chicken (An already dead one at that), to his general hammy and annoyed at dealing with these teenagers demeanor. NAturally he has nothing to do with this but he’s still a fun addition and I wish he was in more scnenes than the two he gets.  But with what they’ve gathered the gang all end up at a spooky castle attraction, with Scooby and Shaggy of course being bribed by daphne while Velma and Fred show up indpeendntly and end  up finding the weird training video from earlier but all get caught when the traps are activiated> There’s also a farting contest which.. eh not funny to me but i’ve seen so much worse i’m not even remotely upset. But then the traps trigger though during the chaos Fred and Velma are forced to work together and finally start doing so, and Daphne finds a clue: A mysterious pyramid known as the damon righus and finally gets some, if not nearly enough, credit.  So the gang is back together.. even if it’s a tenative peace, the high from solving this and relay to their boss the suspects, including him, though Fred assures Mondovarius it’s just because he’s spooky and rowan’s character’s delight over that is fucking glorious.  So the gang enjoys some down time at the local bar, with Fred and Daphne doing their own look ins, Scooby and Shaggy eating and encountring mary again and Velma getting hit on by a dude while looking over the ritus, revealing it’s some sort of soul sucking aparatus, and going into their history... which is really just an excuse to bring Scrappy in who in this universe, is a horny egotistical little shit whose abandoned as a result. ANd before anyone boos he’s not a puppy here, he’s got.. dog dwarfisim.. which while .. how does that even work... means he’s a grown ass man and deserved this. We also get drunk velma and Linda Caredenlli is a delight

The night gets interupted by terrible cgi monsters, the aformentioned emon who soul suck most of the college kids present and also get fred and velma who both find out these are very much real. We also get the best song on the soundtrack, man with a hex. It slaps. But it makes good chase music as with Mondvarious, Fred and Velma captured, the rest of the gang and mary escape.  The next morning we get a surreal as hell scene as everyone’s partying, Fred’s talking in slang and Velma with clevage, thank you, is chatting up.. Sugar Ray? For those younger of you they were a band at the time. They were a big thing. Not half bad but faded away. They looked as 2000′s as hell though. WHy Smash Mouth gets all the memes and not them is beyond me. Look at lead singer Mark McGrath!It’s like the early 2000′s gained sentience and took a human form. But the gang is quickly forced to run from sugar ray, though they get Daphne in a deleted scene. Why it was deleted I dunno. Point is Shaggy, Scooby and Mary are all alone.. oh and Mary’s possessed. Shaggy and Scooby argue over it because Shaggy just thinks Scooby is jealous and while he is .. why would he lie about this? He’s as cowardly as you are. But Scooby falls through the floor, and Shaggy is now going solo but luckily finds his friends souls, and eveyrone elses in a massive cool looking vat and frees them all.  Velma, when the demon leaves her and confronts her, finds out sunlight kills the demons and saves Daphne from hers... only to find Fred in her body. Daphne is naturally horrified and we do get a great bodyswapping scene.

Our heroes reconvince on the beach where htey find the Maestro who explains what’s going on to a point, with the gang’s clues filling in the blanks: The ritus, which they stole back earlier, is used for a ritual that will allow the Demons to rule over the earth for “a thousand years of darkness” but it requires a pure soul to work. Cue our big bad talking Scooby into being their willing sacrifice since Scooby dooes not understand what a sacrifice is.  Shaggy naturally rallies the group to go save him after their understandably worried since they usually dealt with weirdos in costumes and not the apocalypse.. well okay Velma and Fred aren’t, Daphne dealt with this kind of thing once a week back in Sunnydale. So they set up a plan to destroy all the demons at once by unleashing the soul bath, setting them all loose and then using a spooky disco ball from one of the attractions rigged up over the ritual area to shine the light in. It’s classic scooby doo. 

Things naturally go wrong as while Shaggy goes to rescue scooby and makes up with him, he’s caught, so are fred and velma and they have to scramble, while Daphne looses a fight with the luchador up top while trying to let the light in to finish the trap. Meanwhile Shaggy saves Scooby’s soul just as Mondovarious sucks it out by shoving the guy.. revealing him to be a robot! DUN DUN DUN. And inside is Scrappy.. which you all probably knew already but try to act suprise who wanted to conquer the world as revenge for the gang abandoning him and because again, in this universe he’s kind of an asshole. He absorbs the souls gathered so far and merges with the damon ritus, because we’re operating on video game rules now apparently, so final boss time.  But we get a great climax as Scrappy chases scooby, Daphne goes buffy on Zarkos ass , and as a result he shatters the glass and lets the light in releasing the disco ball the kill the demons.. man I love that I get to type things like that. Scooby removes the ritus and defeats his nephew and the day is saved. Velma hooks up with random guy, Daphne and Fred get together, I die inside a little and Shaggy and Mary Jane bond. At the press Fred does his good deed for the movie by letting Velma explain things and get the spotlight and the group have firmly reunited. THE END. Overall it’s a solid plot, that works well, comes together in the end and was well put together, it’s more the filling that causes it to tilt back and forth a bit, but overlal outside of the issue I mentioned it’s a good scooby doo plot. While some have pointed out it is similar to zombie island, a case reuniting the gang, the person who brought them there wanting to sacrifice them, or just scooby here, monsters being real, it works because everything else is so different. But since there’s more to break down and it’s easier to give it it’s own section let’s look at...

THE CHARACTERS: NOT HALF BAD, FRED CAN GO FUCK HIMSELF. 

So we’re down to character.. and since there’s a blonde, preeening, selfish, arrogant, sleazy, sexist, obnoxious, loud mouthed, useless elephant in the room, let’s start with Fred. And to quote it’s always sunny....

Yeah so that fury of a thousand crashing waves (Cracks Knuckles): Fred is the worst part of this movie, the worst version of the character across the entire franchise that i’ve seen with the sincre doubt that there is ANY version worse than this. Everything I said above is true and THEN some. He is one of the most unlikable characters i’ve seen in a film that wasn’t INTENDED to be. There’s just NOTHING to like about him. Nothing. He treats his “Friends” like garbage, all four of them: He basically ignores shaggy and scooby at best and treats them as if they were nothing. For Velma he’s your classic power abusing douche who pushes her to the side and often steals the credit for things she did. He’s still a good mystery solver, but he acts like he does all the work to the press and takes all the credit when Velma works as hard as he does if not harder. And worst of all is Daphne, who he basically either treats like some moron who gets kidnapped due to incompetence and not because creepy old dudes want to feel her up, which given the intro is VERY likely the reason she’s the resident victim of the group, and not like a person, or like a pair of boobs and legs he wants to bang or feel up creepily while he’s in her body. For fuck’s sake his reaction to finding out he’s in her body is a creepy and smug “I can see myself naaaakeddd” If that dosen’t make you want to smack him get off my blog. And they get together in the end! 

Who who wanted that. I genuinely want the presumibly original ending where Daphne and Velma hook up and Fred falls off a pier and is never seen again. The acting does not help. While the other four gang members are expertly cast Fred was given to Freddy Prinze Junior, who made a career out of playing arrogant dicks who are somehow the main character so I can’t fault the casting but I can fault that he can’t delver any line without that smug air of trying to be cool douche and it’s at it’s worst with Fred since Fred’s already written as the biggest creepiest douche in the world and Freddy somehow makes it WORSE. He also has zero chemstiry with Daphne, which would be weird given he and Sarah Michelle Gellar had dated for 2 years at this point and as of this writing have been together for 20 overall and have two wonderful kids together... but given how badly written Fred is here, I can’t blame either of them. And i’m sure FPJ is a swell guy, loves his kids loves his wife seems like a really plesant guy, nothing against him as a person, but at least at this point in his career he wasn’t very good. And I am actually planning on trying to seek out one of his later works in his career to see if he’s gotten better in recent years, and willing to give him the benifit of a doubt that he probably has. I just don’t like him here, and while the script does most of the work he only makes it worse.And works before this (Pup Named Scooby Doo) and after this (Mystery Incorperated) would prove you can give fred a personality that’s not dick tip, so fuck this character, fuck the writing.. and I hope Freddy is having a happy halloween with his loving wife and children, seriously I meant it I have nothing against him as a person. A terrible actor can still be a WONDERFUL guy. 

Now that’s thankfully put to bed, let’s pivot over to Shaggy, whose easily the best of the cast. Matthew Lillard looks the part pefectly, has the right combination of heart and goofus and has some great comedic timing. Granted Scream had already proven the guy’s got genuine talent, but still he’s great here and is currently playing Shaggy in most films and productions, except Scoob which.. was far from it’s only mistake but easily the biggest. There’s not much else to say: the guy IS Shaggy and is the only person whose taken up the roll to equal Kasey Casem in it. As for how he’s written.. he’s basically the same and apart from one line of him wanting to leave everyone to their deaths, which feels like it was added later, he’s written really well and is easily the most likeable of the group. 

Scooby is alright. Not the best version but funny and charming enough when he needs to be and while I hated the CGI at one point.. it’s honestly not that bad. It’s not GREAT, but time has actually been very good to it both in how it’s held up and in the fact we’ve gotten SO MUCH WORSE with so much better techlogies. I mean.. Cats exists.. Marmaduke Exists.. the Bill Murray Garfield exists. This was offputting at the time but now it’s just okay. But character wise he’s good and again not much diffrent. 

Velma is the second best casting of the movie. Played by Linda Cardenelli, who i’ve harbored a crush on for a good few decades now and admire mostly for her talent and charm, Linda kills the roll and easily slips into it as easily as Matt did, and while not picking it up full time like he did, still did it a few times afterword and played hot dog water in mystery incorperated, so she did finally get to play a Lesbian Velma it just took a while. And while Velma being gay is kind of sterotyping, it would’ve been nice to have been kept in instead of edited out for bullshit reasons. But overal her character is decent: While she ALSO bullies and belittles daphne like fred, unlike fred it comes less from just being a douche and more from insecurity. As her scene at the bar makes clear she feels undervalued like the other, like the nerd who the cool kids LET hang out with them instead of part of the team. While it dosen’t make her treatment of Daphne OKAY, it makes Velma understandable. We also get Velma Clevage which.. okay not sure if the world needed that but whatever. Point is it’s throughly likeable portryal that I wish got some character growth.  Finally out of the main 5 there’s Daphne, whose alright. Not as good as the other two, as it feels they lean a bit too heavily on her having taken self defense and wanting ot be tougher, but Sarah Michelle Gellar gives her a ton of charm and likeablity that her husband’s character sadly lacks. There’s just a fun, adorable energy to daph that ends up coupling with her buffy style badassery at the end and Sarah plays both beautifully. The script didn’t give her a ton to work with, though that’s the same for all four of htem, but Sarah really made the character work and made her somewhat memorable despite not being as good as Linda or Matthew. Basically not the best, but still a comfortable third ahead of scooby doo and jackass jones. 

As for the rest of the cast, Rowan Attkinson i’ve covered and is utterly fantastic as is the Voodoo Maestro, and both should get hteir own hbo max spinoff together. The minons.. stupid name and luchadoor are decent enough, nothign special but they have presence and do the job of goon well. And Mary Jane is alright.. the joke is WAY too on the nose to be funny and she’s mostly just there to be sweet, but she’s harmless. Not good but not bad.  So finally we have our big bad, Scrappy. And i’m.. mixed about this. On one hand, Scott Innes, who it turns out is also from Missouri good on you dude!, does a terrific job and I couldn’t tell it wasn’t don messick as Scrappy and he plays him as evil great. On the other.. it’s just kinda goofy. Out of all the tips of hte hat to scooby stuff this feels the most over the top. Scrappy was hated, including by james gunn.. so he’s the bad guy. It’s just a bit on the nose, and the twist is pretty easily teligraphed since Scrappy suspciously is mentioned in one scene so him showing up at all is pretty easy to see coming. It’s not terible but it’s not great. His demon minons also just suck.. the designs are wonky and their cgi, unlike scooby and scrappy’s, is just REALLY bad and dated, and even as a kid I never liked them. 

FINAL THOUGHTS:  Scooby Doo is a decent but messy movie. The clashing tones, dated humor and godawful version of fred drag it down at times, and it’s very clear this had a lot of hands in the pot. But.. I still enjoy it. It’s not the best scooby ever, tha’ts mystery incorpeated, but it has great atmosphere, some good ideas, an utterly spectacular with one exception cast, and some really funny jokes. I genuinely feel the film is overhated when it’s a unique, weird and wonderful slice of Scooby. For better or worse there’s no other Scooby doo property quite like it, and that’s what makes it so fun. And it has enough good performances and jokes to smooth out the edges. It’s not the best, it’s a mess.. but sometimes a mess is fun and I like this flim for being a fun mess I can enjoy with my nieces and talk about to all of you. And sometimes that’s all you need.  Thank you for reading this. If you like this you can comission your own review: 5 bucks for a tv episode, 15 for a movie, 10 for an hour long special, and 5 dollars off when you order more than one episode of a show at a time. Just send me a direct message or ask on here and we’ll get started. Until then you can check out my backlog of reviews, check this space every monday for ducktales reviews, and VOTE DAMMIT VOTE. Until we meet again it’s been a pleasure. Play us out Atomic Fireballs, it’s been a wonderful halloween. 

[neverleaveyoubehind]

Teen Wolf : 1x01 “Wolf Moon”

OMG they look so young! This whole episode has made me feel so old, I can’t believe that it’s been 9 years since this aired. I still remember watching this after middle school and now, it’s been almost a decade, I’m in college , I’m a full adult, unbelievable!

Let’s proceed with the actual reaction, though.

The first scene it’s surprisingly good, I mean, the way it starts all somber with the creepy music, you see all the police department and the Sheriff arriving to the woods, all the police dogs barking , the fog ,... I really liked it. Actually, I had forgotten about this scene in particular.

Like, we actually get to see the Sheriff a little bit, in my mind we weren’t introduced to the Sheriff until later in the episode. That was cool, knowing that he’s the first important character we see (even though you need to be paying a lot of attention to see that it’s him, because they just focus on showing his arm or something like that )

Suddenly, the music changes into an upbeat song, and we are in Scotts house. (God, seeing Scott fixing the Lacrosse stick gave me ALL the nostalgic feelings I could handle) Tyler Posey looks so young, like a little baby, he changes so much during the years. Not like Dylan who looks exactly the same but , with longer hair 9 years later.

Anyway, we have baby Scott (that’s how I will be referring to him for the next 2 seasons aprox) working out , being teenagery , brushing his teeth (his sink worried me a bit, maybe they should think about investing in a new one ‘cause that one looks nasty) Then, he hears a noise and freaks out. BTW, Scotts hair is a whole situation, it’s way too long for such a small face.

He freaks out, gets out of the house with a baseball bat,which might have been the highlight of my day (also,the baseball bat as a deathly weapon was Scott’s idea first ,ladies and gentlemen, let’s take that into consideration) and we are finally introduced to Stiles.

What better way to introduce him than having him hanging for his first 2 minutes on screen? (he being completely unfazed by it, and carrying the conversation like nothing was wrong, is my favorite thing in the world and the reason why I love Stiles so much) if this whole scene isn’t the reason why everyone kept watching the pilot, Idk what to tell you.

Ok, then, after the best interaction ever, Stiles has somewhat convinced Scott to go look for the body in the woods. Because, yes people, there’s a body , this body is missing a half and Stiles wants to find it. Like, of course he does, this man thinks he’s a detective or something (And yes, I did say a half because we don’t know which part is missing) So, in what has to be the most teenager/peer pressure way (reluctantly following your best friend trough the woods with a murderer on the loose) our story begins.

We have Stiles and Scott walking around trying to find the body (every sentence that leaves Dylan's mouth during this episode is gold, that's really my opinion) Scotty is worried about the prospect of founding not only the body but, the murderer, Stiles is living his best life, joking around, walking way too fast for our asthmatic baby Scott, and that's how they get separated.

We properly meet one of the best characters of the show, the sheriff Stilinski, after Stiles gets scared by another deputy that thinks he’s the murderer, and Stiles leaves with his dad. So, now we have us a baby Scott walking alone, in the dark, back home.

He’s walking for a bit, with creppy background music and various animal noises (the music and the ambiance of this show are great. Props to the music team, honestly) Then, he reaches a clearing in the middle of the forest, takes out his inhaler, and when he is about to use it, a bunch of deer bump into him causing him to fall to the ground and drop the inhaler. (I bet he was more worried about dying crushed by deer than losing it, though) When the deer have gone their merry way,and he no longer thinks he’s going to die, he gets up and starts looking for the inhaler with the light of his cell phone (with the light of the screen to be precise. Scotty isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed), but he doesn’t find his inhaler, he finds... The body (the upper part, in case someone was wondering)

Then, Scotty jumps back from the scare, and falls down a hill. When he gets up, a huge black monster attacks him and baby Scott gets bitten!

(The CGI of the first season is truly horrifying but, don’t panic my friends, it will get better)

Baby Scott runs as good as he can manage ,after being bitten by an unknown huge thing and having lost his inhaler,through the woods until he reaches the road, where he is almost hit by a car (our homeboy Scotty is having a really bad night)

SPOILER

The fact that he gets almost run over by Allison and her mom , who aren’t even in the show yet is amazing. Jeff did truly love this 2 because their storyline is truly wonderful, their whole relationship is handled with such care and a lot of attention to details. It makes my heart soft.

SPOILER

They go to school, Jackson looks like an asshole and turns out to be an asshole, normal High School shit. Scotty shows Stiles his bandage and tells him that a wolf bit him, then Stiles proceeds to laugh his ass off because there hasn’t been wolfs in California in like 60 years (Stiles is the kind of person that knows that type of thing) and , baby Scott tells him that he found the body.

Then this whole hilarious scene happens:

They go to class and Scotty starts hearing a phone ringing and turns out he’s the only one hearing it (obviously dude, you’re a werewolf) because it’s the phone of a new girl that’s outside of the High School waiting for the headmaster (I guess, I though someone else was but maybe that hasn’t happened,yet) this new girl is talking on the phone with her mom and she realizes that she forgot to bring a pen (really? You forget to bring a pen to your first day of High School? Someone wasn’t prepared)

So the headmaster brings the new girl to Scotty’s class , her name is Allison, and baby Scott has a crush on her the second he sees her (puppy love has never been more fitting )

Then, he does that whole thing of giving her a pen that she didn’t ask for (if I was Allison I’d be creeped out that someone just gave me a pen after I said outside of the building that I didn’t have one but, IDK, maybe it’s just me)

Anyway, Lydia and Allison become BFFs ,they have Lacrosse practice (we hear the Lacrosse background music for the first time) and surprise, Baby Scott didn’t suck (we also meet Coach aka the most important person of Beacon Hills high school) After school Stiles and Scott go back to the wood to look for the body and the inhaler (seriously, do this kids never learn?) while Stiles jokes about Scotty being a werewolf,and Derek Hale makes his first appearance (God Derek looks like Edward Cullen in this episode) he gives Scott his inhaler back and tells them to get out of his property (like an old man)

Stiles tells Scotty that almost all of Derek’s family died in a fire in his house and baby Scott leaves to go to work. He goes to feed the cats and they freak out, Allison comes to the vet hysterical with a dog she run over , this cutie moment happens :

Baby Scott is in love, so he asks her out to Lydia’s party that friday, Allison is also in love so she says yes. Scotty goes to sleep feeling on cloud nine and wakes up in the middle of the woods (it was a full moon the night before) he sees the big monster that attacked him the other night starts running and ends up falling in someone’s pool (Baby Scott is way to ripped for an asthmatic little kid but, ok)

He goes to school , Jackson interrogates him about steroids (fuck off Jackson, no one likes you. Well, maybe Lydia, but that’s it) Scotty freaks out about sleepwalking 40 miles into the woods, they go to Lacrosse practice and Scotty makes first line so he’s going to be playing in their first Lacrosse game of the year ,Stiles is suspicious because Scott was awful at Lacrosse like 2 days ago , and suddenly he’s a pro (like he should be, honestly, people should listen to Stiles more)

Stiles goes home researches a freaking ton about lycanthropy and werewolfs and decides that yes, his best friend is a werewolf (just like that, that was his first option and he stuck to it) he calls Scotty, tells him that he should cancel his date with Allison just in case he tries to kill her but Scott ignores him.

Melissa and baby Scott have a nice mother-son moment before his first ever date (with a lot more mentions of teenage pregnancies and underage sex for what one would expect from a first date)

Baby Scott takes Allison to the party, everything is going great, until it isn’t. Suddenly Scott starts feeling the bloodlust and the changes that Stiles had warned him about, so he leaves the party (leaving Allison alone without as mush as an apology, and without a way to get back home) Do not fear, though. Derek offers to take her home so everything’s great.

Scotty goes home while having a whole freak out and tells Stiles (who has followed him because he’s the best friend anyone could ever have) that Derek is the werewolf that bit him. Stiles tells Scotty that Derek took Allison home, Baby Scott leaves to have a fucking argument with Derek, and Stiles goes to Allison’s house (Allison was just fine so Stiles leaves)

Scotty and Derek get attacked by werewolf hunters (needless to say, Scotty won’t be sleeping in a while)

In the morning Stiles picks him up from the woods. At school Scotty apologizes to Allison, she forgives him because they are in love (or stupid , if I had been left like that in the first date I wouldn’t have forgiven him) and we are introduced to Allison’s dad

Wait, did I say Allison’s dad? I meant the werewolf hunter that tried to kill him the night before.

Wow that was a roller coaster of emotions ! What did you guys think? Did you remember all of what actually happens ? Did you also realize that you’ve been mixing what happens in each season together into one big season? Because I did

[thechameleonauthor]

Let me know what you think!!!!

Always having a secret that has to be kept from the world is….difficult. Especially when that secret can change everything around you from how your treated, looked at, or even be watched constantly. Not having a soul to tell a secret this big to, well besides my brother, is more hard then is possible. But coming to Highwater, was different then other places in my 17 years of being alive.

Chapter One

Moving here, to Highwater, was different than the other 9 temporary homes. I have no idea why it’s different but it is. The town was small, but it was also wealthy. Which meant going to a school where there are tons of snobby girls was going to be a roller coaster ride.

Pulling up to the new house, felt good. New start and no new friends. Actually 10th new start.

“Okay, Celeste and Jordan, grab your things, find a room. And I’ll run and get pizza.” My dad made it sound like pizza was a great idea, but it’s just processed food and one half of me can’t handle it. Jordan and I are, yes siblings, also were are both adopted. And from the same birth mother. Therefore, we share the same secret; during 1 night every month we change. Into what exactly? Well we are animagnuses, which are a werewolf but not are vicious.

“What kind of pizza? Any preferences?”

“Meat lover delight.” Jordan pointed out. He looked at me and shrugged.

“Alright. Anything for you, pumpkin?” Now in the driveway my dad turned around in his seat.

No thanks dad. I’m gonna bring my stuff to a room, and go for a run.” I looked at Jordan and smiled. “If that’s okay?”

“Of course, just call if you need a ride. Maybe your brother can pick you up.” My dad got out and walked into the new house. I faced my brother.

“Jordan, I’m going for a run. But I’ll be a bit cause I need to run.” My brother was only 19, and all the ladies loved him.

“FIne, but be careful. This place seems... different. And don’t forget tomorrow is the full moon so don’t use all your energy.” Getting out of our rinky dink Toyota, I nodded at him. For being 17, my brother still treats me as a child. Which isn’t bad but sometimes it just isn’t needed.

The trunk had suitcases and a few boxes, which I only grabbed my suitcase. I looked towards the house while I grabbed my things. White and brown exterior in a wealthy neighborhood, perfect. I walked near the house door and looked down at my shoes. Old converse, also perfect. Already at the front door, it opened. Showing a rustic interior, but it was also a new, rustic finish. I climbed the stairs that were easily spotted. I then found a bedroom that was big, with a closet and more than a room should have. I set my suitcase down on the hardwood floor. There was already a bed and a couch that was covered with plastic.

“Now that I found a room, time for a run.” I sighed as I opened my suitcase and picked everything out, as I searched for leggings and a windbreaker. My clothes all over the floor brighten up the room a bit. Then at the very bottom was my leggings and windbreaker. So I got changed and hit my phone and car keys under my makeup bag, in my suitcase.

Getting out the door was the easy part, but figuring out where to run, without people seeing me, was the challenging part. For this, I used my nose. Not my human nose but my wolf nose.

West smelled of oil and gas, South smelled just completely nasty, which left East and North. North was where the school laid, so why not adventure out that way. Heading to the woods outback of the patio of the house, I felt...comfortable. My brother always told me to go about 600 feet in and then just run. But that way being that far in I can just start running without people seeing me.

Using my wolf speed I managed to run, somewhere named, Highwater High School.

“This must be the prison, 8 hours of stress.” She eyeballed a log high enough to sit on. Sitting there for god knows how long, she caught a scent in the wind; Pine and Mint. Celeste stood and looked, then her eyes landed on a black figure. Male. He kept walking closer, then he looked up.

“Heyyy, who are you, exactly?” He almost tripped trying to talk and walk.

“Who’s asking?” Celeste crossed her arms and leaned against a tree.

“Oh, sorry. My name is Michael. I own these woods, well my dad does, and plus your trespassing.” He smiled and then walked into the direct sunlight. His hair was almost a gold tint, with his ocean blue eyes, muscular and broad body structure made him look like an actor she couldn’t quite say who he was.

“Well Michael, I’m Celeste. And I didn’t realize there were trespass signs. I’d better be going anyways.” She started to walk away.

“I’m just joking, there aren’t any signs. But just be careful around here.” They both stood there for 1 min in silence. “Well Celeste, I’ guessing you’ll be at school Wednesday.” He leaned against a tree. “Cause you only look, I’d say 16.” He smiled which showed his dimples.

“Yes and no. I will be at school, and no I’m actually 17.” Celeste also smiled, but not to a stranger, to a new friend.

“Okay well I guess I’ll see you Wednesday.” Michael stood straight and started to walk off. Looking back at where Celeste was, she was gone.

Celeste arrived home at 5:30pm, just in time for dinner. She walked in the back door which was in the kitchen. Celeste you smell of pine and lemon or something Jordan was placed at the island eating his Meat Lover’s delight.

“Geez you scared the crap out of me Jordan. But it’s actually mint not lemon, also I met someone at the end of my run.” He stopped chewing. “He owns the land by the school, well his father does at least.” Taking off her sneakers, Jordan managed to get her a plate of pizza without getting out of the bar stool.

“Well you reek of wolf, and it’s not yours. Be careful. And why were you even that close to the school? You could of been seen.” He stood from his stool and walked around the kitchen.

“For your information, I am always careful, and I was fine, no one saw me. But thanks for your brotherly care.” Taking her plate off the counter, she shoved a bite in her mouth.

“I'm just watching out for you. But I trust you to be careful.” Jordan made a smile at her walking in the kitchen.

“I know, but when school starts and you are at college, you won't  be able to cater to me.” Celeste placed her pizza on the marble counter, and gave him a hug.

“I’ll be fine. If I need advice, I’ll call you or Elliott. Elliot was there old animagus leader. And he was always like Celeste’s older brother.

“Okay, but I’m going out. Don’t stay up too late. Tomorrow is the full moon, so you’ll need everything you got.” Celeste watched as her brother walked out the door, and pulled out of the driveway. New life. I guess perfect.

It was Tuesday, the day of the full moon, and the day before Celeste started her new school. She ended up doing nothing all day but unpack her things and lay on the old bed. Saving all her energy was the worst part of each full moon. But since it kept getting later and later, the wolf was starting to stir. Then there was a knock on her door.

“Hey Celeste, I got a text from Elliot saying if I start driving, I can make it there before I shift. You wanna come?” Jordan missed his girlfriend. That's most of the reason he’s going back.

“Not really. I kinda wanna see things around here from a different perspective. So I’m good this time.” She was sitting on her bed with a book. But she wasn’t actually reading.

“If you say so. And hopefully you remember the rules.” He was still standing in the doorway with the door wide open.

“I do. Don’t worry I’ll be fine.” Celeste forced a smile. “Love you, don’t let me catch any reportings or sightings on the news. She meant it as an inside joke.

“Back at you.” Jordan yelled down the hall.

It was now 8:30pm, and her wolf was pulsing inside her body. Celeste had changed into sweatpants and a fury Columbia jacket because it was cold outside for being September.

Walking down the hallway, down the stairs, and out the door was difficult without waking up her father. 9:00pm. Celeste felt the moon pulling her insides out. In a few moments she would let go of her human side, and become a wolf, but the size of a miniature pony.

Without, her brother by her side it was more difficult, to be a lone wolf, also known as an omega.   Now it was time for her to let go of her human side. And become one with the wolf. Her hair on her head grew shorter, her claws pushed her nails out of the way. And then canines replaced her human teeth.

Within 5 minutes she was no longer human, she was a large dog. Running free in the woods, jumping, diving, and leaping through clusters of trees, was everything that she needed. The world soared by in glimpses. Coming to a clearing her human side realized where she came to; the school. Something brought her back here like it did the night before. Being a wolf, but the size of a large miniature pony, she managed to blend in with the forest around her. Then something smelled in the wind. Pine and mint. Something ran through the trees in a blur. It was to fast to be human. Celeste was kneeling in the brush of trees, but now, still in wolf form, took off like a shot. The blur tool off after her, tailing her. Jumping over a dead tree, then landing in water, there happened to be a wolf in front of her. A pure black one. Celeste took off again, dodging around the wolf. Still running, she looked behind her and saw two wolfs. They were gaining on her and fast. Digging her paws deeper into the earth, she thrusted forward. Turning her head back straight, she almost ran into a tree.

Before switching directions, a large force hit her. And made her go flying. Landing on her side and her head against a boulder, the two wolves creeped up, baring their canines. Pine and mint. That smell. Now there were two wolves, both pure black. Almost like twins. Another appeared but was a mixture of brown and black. Pine and mint. It got stronger, then a golden furred wolf appeared. Not knowing what to do, two wolves backed down. They backed up but growling and without teeth. The gold wolf appeared and came closer. Celeste was warning him to back off, by baring here teeth. The gold wolf walked closer to her, and sniffed her muzzle causing her to sneeze. Then he whined and backed up. The scent of pine and mint was still lingering in the air.

It was the morning after the full moon, the sun just broke the horizon. Celeste awoke of a snap of a twig, which jolted her up. Turns out, it was a rabbit. On full moons, Celeste always woke up outside and in the same clothes from the night before.

She stood and brushes off all the dry leaves and mud. Schooled started this morning, which meant she had to go home and get ready. Plus she was really tired. Now she had to deal with other people, especially after a full moon.

Celeste found her way home by her wolf tracks. Her brother also wasn’t home yet, but that wasn't any surprise. But the back door was still unlocked from the night before.

She turned the knob on the screen door, and she jumped.

“Morning pumpkin, you were up early.” Her dad was already setting up the coffee maker. Celeste was still standing in the doorway.

“Dad, you scared me. And I went for a run, before school.” She smiled and slipped off her sneakers, and started towards the stair.

“Oh do you want some waffles pumpkin?” Her dad managed to get the coffee maker plugged in, but didn’t know how to work it or even a waffle maker.

“Nah, it’s okay dad I have to get ready for school and I think I'm going to walk. But thanks anyway for the thought.” Nothing came as a response from here father, just him pressing multiple buttons on the coffee maker.

[ogwnostalgia]

Cover art by Mike Vosberg

Title: The Secret

Series: Tales From the Crypt

Original Airdate: July 31, 1990

Description: A 12-year-old orphan is adopted by a rich childless couple (William Frankfather and Grace Zabriskie) who harbor a dark secret. However, the couple themselves do not realize that the young orphan has a dark secret of his own.

Note: This wasn’t actually the cover photo I wanted to use, but every screencap I could find was way too spoilery. So instead, enjoy the episode art that the Cryptkeeper shows us going into the episode.

  Nostalgia Time!

Boy, it’s been a while since I’ve done one of these full moon werewolf recaps, huh? I’m really slacking on them! But here we have the second of the two whole werewolf episodes Tales From the Crypt ever did, and like the other one, this one also has vampires. Well, who doesn’t like vampires with their werewolves, I guess.

So, I really dig this episode. I know I didn’t include it in my favorites list I published a while back, but for a while I had this episode on constant rotation. Due in part to Larry Drake, whose performances I always enjoy. (RIP. And seriously, he’s the only good thing about Dr. Giggles.) Vampires, werewolves, mysterious goings-on . . . yeah, this episode sells it hard.

Recap

We open, of course, with Cryptkeeper intro. He’s surprisingly sedate (for him, at least), and just makes a few Charles Dickens puns in reference to the copy of Oliver Twist he’s reading. He’s disappointed that there was no twist, because he had such Great Expectations. Yeah. Moving on.

The story opens on a dark and stormy night at the Gaines Orphanage. We follow a young boy in pajamas and a coonskin cap (because this is the 50s? Unclear.) sneaking down the stairs inside. We can hear one woman telling another that these boys can’t be trusted, and we fade out on their conversation as Coonskin Cap makes his way into the kitchen and opens the refrigerator. He grabs a chicken drumstick that’s just sitting uncovered by itself on a plate, and puts back just the bone a few seconds later. Ew?

The boy grabs an apple that is also sitting on a plate in the fridge for some fucking reason, and makes his way back out of the kitchen. We can now hear Older Woman telling Younger Woman that the boys cheat off each other’s papers, while Younger Woman protests that she’s never witnessed that. They move out to the room Boy is in as Older Woman says that they have to do something about Theodore – he’s way past the desirable age for adoption. From the indignant look on Boy’s face, we surmise that he is Theodore. He is also hiding pretty much in plain sight under a table.

Younger Woman wants to know what happened to his parents, and Older Woman snaps that she must never mention his parents, or his behavior problems! Well, okay. That’s not super suspicious or anything.

Then Theodore drops the apple, which rolls right up to Older Woman’s feet. Smooth, kiddo.

Older Woman (whose name is Miss Hagstead) drags Theodore out from under the table and accuses him of spying. Nope, he was just hungry, because he’s bigger than the other kids. Miss Hagstead orders Younger Woman to take him back to his room, “and make sure he stays there,” while brandishing a key. I’m pretty sure locking kids in their rooms at an orphanage violates fire codes or something, but sure. Asshole.

Younger Woman (now known as Miss Heather) walks Theodore upstairs while telling him the meal plan for tomorrow, because this kid is apparently a bottomless pit, and much like my little dog, extremely food-motivated. We transition to a shot of clouds revealing a full moon. No werewolf action yet, though. We’re only 4 minutes in, after all.

The next morning, Miss Heather frantically reports to Miss Hagstead that Theodore is gone and his window is open! Miss Hagstead is annoyed, not worried. He throws these temper tantrums sometimes and runs off for a few hours. Oh. Is it always during the . . . full moon . . . ?

Cut to the door opening and Theodore standing on the porch, covered in dirt. Miss Hagstead yells at him, then orders him to the kitchen to help Joey with the dishes. As he walks by, she complains that “it’s getting worse.” Oh . . . ?

Miss Heather rocks up and sends Joey out of the kitchen so she can tell Theo that some people are coming by later tonight and are very interested in meeting him. He knows what this means, right? Well, normally it could mean adoption and happily ever after, but this is Tales From the Crypt, so.

New Mom might have stolen that jacket from Cruella de Vil

Cut to these two weirdos showing up and telling Theo that he’s perfect and they’ll take him. Like he’s a puppy in a store window. Or a tasty veal cutlet at the butcher’s shop. (Spoilers?)

Theo asks what if he doesn’t want to go, and New Mom (Mrs. Colbert) tempts him with living in the lap of luxury – he’ll have his own bathroom and towels with his initials on them! Wow, just what every 12-year-old boy dreams of!

Miss Hagstead, on the other hand, is clearly using every ounce of self-control not to scream, “Now listen you little shit, you’re going! End of story!”

Oh, spoke too soon. Miss Hagstead pulls Theo off to the kitchen to “help her make tea” and proceeds to basically scream exactly that at him. He asks what happened to his real parents, and she says they died when he was just a baby, but refuses to provide details. She tells him the Colberts are “a little eccentric” but they’ll provide him with a lovely home and lots of good, sweet things to eat.

Okay, I was joking about Theo being like a food-motivated dog, but apparently everyone else was dead serious about it. Huh.

There’s a moody shot of Larry Drake, who is the Colberts’ . . . butler? valet? something? and then Theo staring moodily out the back of a car while Miss Heather and the Orphan Boys wave goodbye. Also, the lighting is so blue it’s almost impossible to see what’s happening.

There’s voice over from Mrs. Colbert as they drive away, talking about how wonderful Theo will have it at his new home, and she asks her husband, “Won’t it be wonderful having him?” He replies, “Mmm. Wonderful. Having him.” Yes, yes, this is normal, nothing to worry about!

They pull up to the house and holy shit everything onscreen is so blue I can’t tell what anything looks like, goddamn. Fortunately the interior of the house has normal lighting. I really don’t know what they were thinking with this fucking blue filter, but whatever. Theo comments that it looks like a museum, and as he reaches out to touch a huge . . . urn? vase? a Rottweiler rocks up out of nowhere to bark and growl at him. New Mom tells him he must never touch anything; some of these pieces are very old.

So. We have foster/adoptive parents who have things at touching-height that the kids aren’t allowed to touch, and the presence of Grace Zabriskie? Is this just Child’s Play 2 all over again?

The Colberts and Larry Drake show Theo to his room, which is huge and contains tons of toys, including a model train going around its track and blowing a whistle. Theo turns to thank them, but all the adults have exited the room and locked him in. He runs to look out the keyhole, where New Mom is telling New Dad that he’s been so patient, while Theo calls out asking why they’ve locked him in. They walk off, ignoring him, and now it’s time for Doggie Jump Scare! as the Rottie (Mrs. Colbert called Doggie by name, but I don’t have captions and I can’t for the life of me figure out what she called him) jumps at the door, barking and growling.

Theo falls backwards to the floor, and exclaims, “What did Mrs. Hagstead tell them?!”

Well, Theo, she wanted to get rid of you, so it couldn’t have been that bad.

Theo is woken up the next morning by Larry Drake, AKA Tobias, serving him breakfast in bed. Well, I suppose it’s breakfast in the technical sense of it’s breaking his fast, but it’s all sweets – cake, pie, when Theo asks for milk, Tobias offers him a milkshake. Ooh, does it bring all the werewolves to the yard?

Theo notices there are bars on the windows, and Tobias assures him that there are bars on all the windows – for security. Eh, that might have been weird in the (I’m still not sure but possibly) 1950s, but it doesn’t really raise many eyebrows today.

Cue a montage of Theo playing with all his new toys, and eating enough cakes, eclairs, pie, and milkshakes for it to qualify as a miracle he doesn’t go into diabetic shock. Nope, nothing to worry about here; this isn’t a Hansel and Gretel story, so you should be perfectly safe!

Cut to this new little family all walking around the estate together, and Theo asking why he has to stay in his room all day while the Colberts are at “work.” Mm, work, yes. Definitely work. New Mom answers that Theo is the most precious thing they have, and they can’t risk something happening to him. And Tobias is far too old to be chasing after him in the woods. Umm, Larry Drake was 40 when this episode aired. I turn 39 in less than two weeks. I feel very insulted right now. Not that I want to chase 12-year-olds around in the woods, but still. Very insulted.

Theo goes on to ask if they can go out sometime and do something together like a real family – a movie, roller skating, a ballgame? I’m trying to picture these weirdos on roller skates, and honestly, it’s kinda hilarious. Anyway, they claim they’re busy tomorrow planning a surprise for Theo. It’s a secret, though. Theo hates secrets.

Tobias stares pensively after them as he falls behind with Doggie. At least, I think he does. This blue filter is pretty much the worst thing I’ve ever witnessed.

Cut to Tobias bringing Theo yet more junk food for lunch. Somehow, Theo isn’t dying of malnutrition yet. He asks if Tobias can come back and see him before dinner, and Tobias says he supposes he can stop by and they can play cards or something.

Cue the “Theo and Tobias become friends” montage.

Theo thinks about fun times he had at the orphanage with Miss Heather and his friends, and is suddenly . . . homesick, I guess it would be? Kind of? He asks where the Colberts are, and just as Tobias says they’re indisposed, they burst into the room with party horns and a birthday cake, yelling “Surprise!”

Theo is surprised, mostly because it isn’t his birthday. New Mom brushes it off – of course it’s not his birthday; it wouldn’t be a surprise if it was. Then they dish up about half the cake onto a plate for him, because they clearly want him to go into insulin shock. Theo’s not hungry because he had two boxes of Crackerjacks about an hour ago. Gross.

The Colberts tell Theo they’re going out to paint the town red. Yes. Yes, I bet you are. They call him “son” and tell him to open his presents and have fun with Tobias.

Cut to Tobias bonding with Theo as he tucks him into bed. Tobias was also an orphan who never got adopted; he agrees that Theo may call him “Toby” since Theo used to know a Tobias at his orphanage who went by Toby. Then Mrs. Colbert calls Tobias out of the room.

Later that night, Theo is woken up by the Colberts talking outside his door. New Mom says that this was her idea; she calls the shots; and she’ll say when their little orphan delicacy is ready for . . . whatever this is. They open the door and stare at Theo, who pretends to be asleep, and New Mom says she doesn’t think she can wait much longer. They’ll tell Theo their secret when they get home tonight.

I’m . . . sure it’s a fun secret, right? . . . right?

Time passes until it’s four thirty in the damn morning, and someone unlocks Theo’s bedroom door. Oh, it’s Toby! He rushes in to wake Theo up, telling him they have to get out of here. Theo moans that he doesn’t feel well.

Yeah, no shit. You’ve just spent what I’m about to guess is a full month eating roughly the same amount of sugar as Brazil exports in a year; what did you expect?

They start to make their way down the stairs, but are stopped by Mrs. Colbert, who looks considerably more vampish than we’ve seen previously. Apparently Tobias was promised immortality in exchange for his babysitting services, but he’s changed his mind and doesn’t want Theo to end up vampire chow.

Mrs. Colbert protests that his blood is so sweet now, and . . . okay. So, they’ve been feeding him nothing but sugar so that his blood will taste sweet to them? They’re vampires with a sweet tooth? That’s . . . okay. Sure. I mean, they couldn’t just get a mouthful of blood, pour some sugar on me in their mouths, and shake it around? Their plot seems overly complicated, is all I’m saying.

Anyway, Mr. Colbert appears out of nowhere on the stairs above Tobias, and bites into him while Theo laments his new friend’s demise. Theo jumps down the stairs and runs out the door as Mrs. Colbert sends Doggie after him, commanding Doggie to leave some for them.

Theo runs off into the woods; Doggie chases after; we’re shown a full moon as the Colberts join the chase, so I was right – it’s been a full month. A month of no food except sweets. I’m feeling sick just thinking about it.

Theo stumbles and falls as Doggie (it sounds like New Dad calls him “Lalitu”? “Laleetoo”? I don’t fucking know, y’all) catches up to him. The Colberts come out of the blueness darkness and we hear growling.

Theo is on his hands and knees facing away from the Colberts, and as they approach he tells them that now he knows what happened to his parents. You see, he has a secret too, and it’s better than the Colberts’. New Mom is the picture of condescending boredom, telling Theo that she’s sure he does. As Theo continues, his voice gets deeper and growlier. He turns around to reveal that he is a werewolf – with a taste for vampires!

I’m not quite sure how he would know that, but you do you, kiddo.

He leaps at Mrs. Colbert and rips her throat out (again, I think. This deep blue everything is a bitch for actually seeing what’s happening), then takes off after Mr. Colbert, who has started running away like a little bitch. Theo catches up to him, and he screams as we fade to black . . .

. . . and cut to the interior of the orphanage as someone pounds on the front door. Mrs. Hagstead opens the door to reveal Theo and Doggie on the porch. Theo tells her that he knows his secret now, and he thinks some things are going to change around here. He stares at her, and there’s wolf-face superimposed over his kid-face. Mrs. Hagstead is terrified, a wolf howls, and we fade to black again.

And then we get the Cryptkeeper’s wrap-up and exit puns. They’re not worth spending space on here. Sorry, Crypty.

Nostalgia Glasses Off

So yeah. This werewolf episode took basically the entire episode to werewolf. And to vampire, for what it’s worth.

So, what are we to believe did happen to Theo’s parents? We can assume they were also werewolves, right? Are we to believe they were killed by . . . werewolf hunters? Vampires? Buffy? Sam and Dean? The episode treats it like we should just know, and I really don’t.

I still like this episode a lot, but I think it’s fallen off of my favorites list. There’s not much to it when you boil it down.

Except diabeetus. This episode is full of diabeetus.

(Note: Wilford Brimley passed away the day after I finished this recap (including inserting these images), and a couple days before it was scheduled to go up. Weird coincidence. RIP, and thanks for the memes, sir.)

  Well, it's another full moon, so you know what that means - time for a werewolf story! This month I recapped the Tales From the Crypt episode, The Secret! Can you guess what the secret is? I bet you can! (The secret is ... diabeetus!) Title: The Secret Series: Tales From the Crypt Original Airdate: July 31, 1990 Description: A 12-year-old orphan is adopted by a rich childless couple (William Frankfather and Grace Zabriskie) who harbor a dark secret.