#she doesnt say it with judgement though its all from a place of affection

[izupie]

Finally got back to a Writers Retreat today!!

First one since covid - so it's been a lonnnnng time

I've been doing them online from time to time, but it's just not the same as sitting in a room with a bunch of other writers tapping away on your keyboards and being big nerds together

So much fun

Today there were a few people I didn't recognise, and two of them were these really snooty book snob types (they both got along great) so at lunch they were having this back and forth peacocking over who was the better read between them and talking about their favourite books (pretentiously)

And I was sat near them like Oh dear god

I had to bite my tongue to stop from laughing because they were just so over the top I couldn't believe they were real

Anyway, I was telling this story to my mum on the phone tonight and she replied back "can you imagine their reaction if you'd told them your favourite books are all fanfiction" (affectionately)

And I have never felt so seen because I mean, she's not wrong, but also hEY

[frogmentarii]

QUESTIONS FOR OC CREATORS

Haaaa ok so I am doing this cause i saw @fallout-lou-begas steal it from @tarberrymentats and they both looked like they were havin hella fun so i am commandeering this for my own purposes. So lucky for yall its Emi time (art by the dearest @yesjejunus because yall need to see more of her work)

A) Why are you excited about this character?

Because she's an older woman (57) that breaks a lot of moulds and I love to see it. Aside from just enjoying older characters, Emi isn't a sweet old lady and she isn't here to try and mother anyone. Her drives are entirely her own and while she prioratizes herself and her sister before anyone else, its not always due to complete selfishness and just due to growing up in the wastes (I try to keep her character true to a fend for yourself setting as possible). I think Ill go into detail in another question with this, but I went through a lot of concepts and personalities for Emi before settling on someone who was seasoned and very much a product of the wastes. I think after seeing a lot of other couriers I finally figured out what I wanted to do differently, and that sort of helped guide her to become what she is today.

B) What inspired you to create them?

I think my last line there sort of short answers this. I wanted someone different from the other couriers I saw, and wanted to make one that was distinct or even juxtaposed against some tropes. She's a woman in her late 50s that doesnt try and play mom/granny to the companions, she very much has no stake in what happens to the Mojave, she doesnt care about Benny or that he shot her in the head (such is life in the Mojave, but she did have a job to complete so ripperoni him), and a lot of her motivations are selfish or exist to benefit her sister. She doesnt act 'old' in the fact that she isn't a wise caring soul or a grumpy old man, but rather her age is shown through her experience, and this also shapes her personality. She's never had to formally 'grow up' so she can come off as immature and irritating for her own entertainment, but she doesn't have youthful ignorance for how the world works. She knows how to be responsible but she doesnt have to act like it outwardly, even with her Tragic Caregiver Backstory.

C) Did you have trouble figuring out where they fit in their own story?

To a large degree in the beginning, yes, and to specific degrees now, also yes. Writing in general isnt my strong point though I did know what I wanted for her. The main image is there but the details are funky, and Ive been slowly hammering those out as I work along with her and Camila's stories. There's been some huge changes along the way that help push both of them towards an ending I like and that fits them, and even if it takes forever and I never actually write a fic, I'll be happy when she finally feels completed in New Vegas.

Aside from that, she kind of fits in anywhere in regards to AUs. My friend @yesjejunus and I have probably like 40000 fucking aus for our OCs and all of them feel just as organic and their canon stories.

D) Have they always had the same physical appearance, or have you had to edit how they look?

So I know I have an 'original concept Emilia' art on here where she looked like Laura Croft and had aviators but that wasnt even her first concept. I had originally wanted to make a petite southern belle type from Louisiana who used a shot gun and had a mean streak, but as I kept playing with concepts Emi really started to lean other places. Another huge change was her personality. Even when her concept got settled as a sniper from Mexico, she was suppose to be an early 30s caravan guard who was way too sure of herself. While there are reminents of that concept still in her, she has a lot more experience in the wastes and in think-on-your-feet situations to back up her attitude. Another thing she required was dropping her "take me seriously" personality with more goofy "i do what i want cause why not" traits.

E) Are they someone you would get along with? Would they get along with you?

Emi can get along with anyone at a surface level, for a small while, if it will benefit her or she wants to pass time. She really doesn't have interest in folks who arent interesting or beneficial in some way. Since I don't really offer her much, and am a bit of a wet bag, she might yank my chain for her own funsies or she'd have no interest.

And while I did indeed give Emi my go with the flow attitude, I think I wouldn't be able to keep up with her. Emi is very fast paced and doesnt necessarily have regard for those she decides to pick up as drinking buddies for the night. Def dont trust her with my life, and knowing the shit she gets into I'd def want to steer clear of it....like a trainwreck its much better to watch her from a safe distance, lol.

F) What do you feel when you think of your OC (pride, excitement, frustration, etc)?

A lot of affection from a meta standpoint? I've worked with Emi and Cam a lot since creating them, and they've def come a long way since their original concepts. I wouldn't say their story is quite where I want it yet, but I am quite happy with it overall.

That, and Ive met so many awesome writers along the way with Emi. Not all of my friends have posted fic but the amount of world building and having our characters interact and talking OCs ive done with them has placed both Emi and their OCs in a special place for me. Sure her having her own story is fun but I much more prefer the bonds Ive created with people over OCs and I think thats a bit more of a cherished component to character creation for me.

G) What trait of theirs bothers you the most?

Literally? That she likes to be irritating if she feels she can get away with it (or even if she cant). Actually? That she has a very "I shelter you and feed you therefore I make the rules, period." stance on how she takes care of her charge. She lets a lot of shit slide with Camila but things get very Rapunzel-esque at times.

H) What trait do you admire most?

How sure of herself she is. Even if its to a fault, she trusts herself and her judgements. That sort of confidence is something I strive to have haha.

To a lesser degree, and more of a meta point I wanted to make with her, just...her appearance I suppose? To me she's attractive, but she also has a lot of traits that aren't conventionally attractive and that's played a lot into how Ive wanted her to be. Again she's 57 years old. She has age to her body, her skin wrinkles and droops, her tits sag, she has the body of someone who uses chems, and yet despite her age and breaking of beauty standards ive made it a point to show that she is desired or thought of as attractive in non fetish specific circumstances. She herself, while aro, also still has an active sex drive and I really wanted this to be a backseat part of her character, as I feel like fandom in general shafts older women in this department (this also goes for a lot of her non 'old lady' traits I give her too). She still has sexual needs and is still very much sexually active, and she is still found to be a regular sort of attractive and is desired by those she gets involved with.

J) Did you have to manipulate or exclude canon factors to allow them to create their character?

Yes? Ish, to a degree. I didnt have to but I wanted to. I also did a lot of headcanoning with post Mexico for her early life which, afaik is free real estate for lore/nothing super detailed has been given in canon.

Given that she and Camila both shape their stories as individuals, I did have to split up some canon elements to follow two seperate characters, but other than that I really just had to make sure Emilia's story wasnt "boring" in the fact that she again, has no real stake in what happens to Vegas/the Mojave.

I) Do you prefer to keep them in their canon universe?

Cackles in 'which au will I obsess with today'

For the most part yes, however I love placing her in new things or different stories. She may be 'my courier' but really shes just the frog granny that goes into whatever au I am feeling at the time.

[lokbobpop]

Child children childhood

Biologically, a child (plural children) is a human being between the stages of birth and puberty, or between the developmental period of infancy and puberty. The legal definition of child generally refers to a minor, otherwise known as a person younger than the age of majority.

From Middle English child, from Old English ċild (“fetus; female baby; child”), from Proto-Germanic *kelþaz (“womb; fetus”), from Proto-Indo-European *ǵelt- (“womb”).

Child c hild chi ld c hill d

Writing the word child

You know id rather the use the word child children than i would kid even though i do right out kid probably because i cant be bothered to think about how to write out children out thinking ill get it wrong when speaking i usually use kid also but would like to use child children but see i think i might be judged as old fashioned or sill for going so. So thing brings to mind how i let myself be manipulated by what others think what i say which i most certainly do most of the time as not to get judged but as something as most simple as this do i really need to know i dont hey i just need to be authentic me.

Children writing the thoughts of children young innocent thoughts of how it was in the sixths seventies and being a child

Childhood i thing my childhood was ok my dad wasn’t drinking to get angry as much then thanks fully that started a few years later

Reading the word child or children childhood

Yes much better im not a baby goat lol

Or am i really being old fashioned nothing wrong with the word kids i could use both when ever i wanted as lone as it wasn’t within energy like would i say it in from of some people and not others as then I would be manipulated within it interesting thought

Children’s books are lovely great pictures i looked to look at the pictures hey and nowadays the the picture are so amazing i think i would of loved to see the pictures if i was a child now.

My childhood i think of school play outside playing in the fields being disappointed in myself at school why could i read why was i behind the others I couldn’t understand ho wit was so easy for others and not myself it felt unfair nice teachers horrible teachers

Saying out loud child children childhood

Your just a child what do you know thoughts of being called a child as in not being very mature and being immature comes up or saying something to some one your a child grow up judgement of an event.

Children playing in the play ground fear came up of a girl that was horrible mean i think she’s dead now well i hope so not a pleasant person any way she picked on my friend and I didn’t stand up for her i even moved away and left her in the situation she was scared and so was i but i left her and i felt guilt, also to my friend i was mean i made her put some crap on a stick and took it outside the toilet I know until this day she felt ashamed of this but so do i we cant now be close she has this underlying anger i hope she can let go one day as not to bother her adult life anymore with thoughts of being upset towards me. When we went to big school i missed her friendship as i had no one int he class i had.

My childhood i think was pretty good as i said dad wasn’t purposely getting drunk and angry i mean it did happen but not everyday under 10 years of age

I child called Jeremy mills hitting me with a book on the head I remember it made me cry it hurt a lot he was an angry kid but i was surprised when the girl Michelle dean stood up for me as i thought she didn’t actually like me at that moment because i used to copy everyone when we did class work and i think it annoyed them me coping all the time they would hide there work so i felt left out not liked i feel now i sat nest to dawn i a class before that i see it annoyed them to share what they did but with Angela she didn’t mind shed copy my math not sure why as when we got higher her math was better than mine.

Watching the women’s open tennis match at Wimbledon maybe 76 when Virginia wade won the hole class got to watch it with miss Queensborough

Ok so babysitting and making the little girl jump off the stool knickers less wasn’t a good idea got me pushed down the bank on the way home from school a bit of a fuck up there but i think it had to do with being flashed at an early age i was like whats these feeling are about its just a shame it came out like this but im sorry it obviously upset a family what i did do i how this also makes my childhood not so great with doing these things what was i thinking i affected what people thought of me and then that made me feel bad about myself and with not being very good at school. How do you feel right now ? Im in regret of what ive done im sorry for what i done but also it wasn’t a bad thing what i done just wrong and definitely not something i should sentence myself to feeling bad for the rest of my life over which i have seem to have done as it has made me feel dirty about myself we are so affected by our childhood we need to be safe feel safe we need to be better parents. How can i help myself get over my childhood your ok it’s alright it wasn’t that bad and it turned out alright your ok you can let it go you dont need it anymore it doesnt have to define you anymore you dont have to feel yucky dirty not good enough its ok your good now let it go its gone breathe.

Sf

Does this definition support me no lots of polarity here of my childhood being good scary and being mean to my friend and knowing how are childhood affects us my biggest problem was not being like others at school and being as in reading and writing and really upset at myself and not understanding why I couldn’t do it.

Child ch i held

Children child run

Childhood child hood

Child a young person learning life

Children young persons learning life

Childhood when you try to make sense of the word and your place in it anything can happen but you get over it you move on past and you dont take whats not needed with you you let stuff go and do whats best fro you and others at all times by apply sf breathe self love but see realizing and understanding that things happen which must be forgiven to lead a healthy adult life

How will you live this word ?

I will live this words to support me in letting go of my own dislikes of my own childhood my regrets with self respect self love to move past so the me now can move on be whole

[hareblazer]

and they cried holy holy holy

its very hard existing in a world that doesnt love you 

fic focused on the affects of the religious south via larrys childhood + internalized homophobia now. tw for religious trauma, homophobia, the q slur, implied child abuse, self harm, implied suicide. separated into 6 parts.

all of these things are pretty normal for the time/context/situation i promise i didnt go ape shit on him ctvgbhn 

im gay. some things were minorly edited because of my own experiences. all conversations are inspired heavily by convos ive had.

ONE

“Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination.” The pastor had told him. “Queers go to hell. It is the will of God.” Larry’s mother elbowed him, a way of saying this included him. “Join me in prayer so the sinners may reach Salvation and Repentance.” He raised his arms, framing the holy cross behind him. “Peace be with you.”

“And also with you.” All stood. Except Larry.

“God is Good.” He said.

“All the time.” All prayed. Except Larry. His father glared at him. He could feel the eyes of everyone around him- even if they weren’t looking- he knew what they thought of him. He wished he was good and pure. He wanted nothing more than to be loved by God like everyone else was. But he was just a sinner. A blemish on the tapestry of God’s vision.

None of that was true, of course, but as an 11 year old in the deep south in 1935- he had no choice but to believe.

“Larry.” His father whispered angrily. “Stand. Up. Now.”

“I don’t wanna.” Larry whispered back. He didn’t. He was tired. Ever since his parents found out about his preference for boys they had woken him up early almost every morning to pray- to be reminded of his damnation- to go to church and be told over and over again he was unnatural. He was so tired.

“Larry. If you don’t stand right now- You’ll be choosing a switch when we get home.”

“I’m tired-” He kicked his feet.

“Lawrence Michael Trainor.” His mother hissed. “You’re embarrassing us.” Larry could hear a waver in her voice.

“-in God’s name, amen.” The pastor finished.

“Amen.”

“You are dismissed.”

“Bless you, father.” someone behind Larry said. He couldn’t see very well through his own tears. He couldn’t help but feel like it was all his fault. Now was, in Larry’s opinion, one of the worst parts of church. His parents beelined to Benjamin Quincy’s- probably to tell them to keep their son away from him. Again. Larry could already hear them berating Ben’s poor father- accusing them of turning their sweet son to the Devil and a path of damnation.

This was almost 90 years ago, but Larry could remember it like it was yesterday. He’d never admit it- but sometimes he still felt like that scared boy praying for a salvation that’ll never come.

Chief had bought him a bible, when he first moved into the manor, thinking it would remind him of home. He didn’t know, of course, the kind of history Larry had with religion- but it was enough to release the spirit on a rampage. Chief thought that was interesting. Larry thought it was a headache- literally and metaphorically. He actually wasn’t sure where it was now, actually. It had disappeared mysteriously years ago- after he had given Rita a vague idea of how his childhood was. He never looked for it.

It wasn’t until the patrol had to go into a church that Larry really thought about this again. Ordinarily he pretends it never happened- that he never had a childhood at all. It was easier than having to face it. He forgot why, exactly, they were there- but-

“Larry?” Cliff turned back, already halfway through the doors. Larry had stopped about ten feet off- Jane near him. “You coming?”

“Ah.” was all he could say in reply. This looked like his old one. His lungs felt like they were full of water. Jane tilted her head at him. She had a reason to hate this place- not to say he probably didn’t have one too- but she had definitely never heard about this before. “I.”

“We have two people against this stuff, now?” Cliff. He meant well, but he was about as sensitive as a brick. “What happened to you?”

Larry said nothing. Jane stepped up. “He doesn’t have to tell you. Just- go without us.” Cliff did the closest thing to a shrug he could do and left. Larry wanted to thank Jane- in his own quiet way- but he was a little overwhelmed for that. God. He could still hear the pastors words stinging his heart. He felt Jane’s eyes on him.

Repent, old sinner. Repent and be redeemed.

“Fuck.” Larry turned and walked away. “Fuck!”

“I guess the church screwed both of us over.” Jane crossed her arms. Larry only sighed.

“It screws everyone over. Whether they realize it or not.”

“Hm.” Jane agreed. “It’s a fucked up institution.” Larry’s chest glowed gently.

“God. I want to go back to the manor.” He placed a hand on his chest, trying to soothe the spirit. “Take a nap.”

“Me too.” Jane leaned against a wall.

They stood in silence, before Larry spoke again.

“The church by my house looked like this. Growing up.” He glanced back at it for a moment. “God. I hated that place.”

Jane watched him for a moment. They were the two most closed off people in the manor- this was literally the most he had ever said about himself to her.

“Boring?”

“I guess.” Larry did not say it was because they hated him. He did not say that the priest told him he deserved damnation. He did not say that he still had nightmares about it. “I was. Not well liked, I guess.”

“Oh.” Jane did not share her own trauma related to it. She couldn’t. She didn’t want to. “Are you still…?”

“God, no. I’m not a fan of- any of it, really. I don’t know.” He tries to tell her without really saying anything at all. “They. Really. Don’t like the kind of person I am. Is all.”

“Me neither.” She nodded. This conversation was so. Fucking. Awkward. But it was still the most they had talked in a long time. “Bad church experiences club.”

Larry chuckled. “Bad church experiences club.” 

TWO 

Larry was in class. Thirteen years old and already fully aware of his fate. Homosexuality is an abomination, he knew. God does not make mistakes, he knew. So why is he cursed with these feelings?

“God created all creatures in the Beginning-” his teacher was explaining in the background. Larry had heard this story a million times- both in and out of church. He was daydreaming about the boy who sat in front of him- he had the bluest eyes, and- no. No. Larry couldn’t think like that. That was a sin. He mentally scolded himself for letting his guard down. He had to have a wife. A family- or suffer for all eternity.

“God is love,” said his teacher.

It doesn’t feel much like love to Larry.

-

He regretted doing this. Larry found himself standing in front of the team- during Cliff’s sudden group therapy session and subsequent freakout.

“Well.” He started, but paused. God. God. God. Why did he think he could do this? Why did he think it would be a good idea to come out? To let the only people he ever felt like he could trust learn his ugly, terrible truth and scorn him just as his own family did?

“I’m-”

“GAY!” Cliff interrupted suddenly. Larry froze. Oh god. Oh god. They knew. They KNEW. How did they know? No. Fuck. He was reading too far into this. Unless he wasn’t. The others protested Cliff’s outburst.

“Okay! I just thought Larry was about to come out- and it would’ve been so healing for him!”

Larry is thankful for the bandages covering his tears.

"I think all I wanted to say was...it gets lonely, not touching anyone for 60 years. the last person I ever touched was John Bowers. I- I loved him. and I drove him away." Larry hoped that was vague enough. God. He could see it now- remembering how his parents reacted when they figured it out for themselves- how the church had reacted- how the other boys had reacted- how he had joined the army in an effort to make himself more masculine, more straight- he couldn’t help but think about all the possible ways he could kill himself right here right now.

“I knew it.” Cliff stood. Larry panicked. “I just want you to know that you’re loved- and accepted-” He hugged Larry, and Larry didn’t know what to do.

He’d never been offered acceptance before. How do you react to that?

“I’m not done.” He snapped. It was the best he knew how to do.

“I’m only sharing this because it’s the thing Mr. Nobody shoved in my face.” A clarification he knew this was immoral. He knew he was wrong. “What’s left, of my face.”

Pause.

“That was a joke. God- these bandages are the death of all nuance.” He failed to lighten the mood. He could feel everyone’s judgement, burning his skin like the fire did so many years ago. “Look. If Mr. Nobody’s goal is to torture me, well- I’ve been doing his work for him. Whipping myself in a- a prison of my own making.” Fuck. That sounded kind of cliche.”And wh- what if I trusted John, what if I’d been more brave- and guess what? I’m sick of it! I’m not just hurting myself- I’m hurting this thing inside of me and it’s hurting me back, endlessly, until there’s so much self-loathing I can barely breathe.” He’s trying so, so hard not to break down. He returns to his spot on the couch and slumps, already tuned out and waiting for his inevitable punishment.

He’s only greeted with Rita’s hand on his back, a small comfort, but a welcome one nonetheless. 

THREE 

The last time Larry was in love was with John. It was, admittedly, most of what he thought about, these days- but it was the only time he could ever exist in peace around another person. Even if John was a little too open for Larry’s comfort, he was comfortable in his own skin during the rare times they could sneak a moment together.

He missed John so, so much. Not only because he loved him- though that was a big part- but because he missed feeling safe. He missed feeling loved. He missed feeling anything at all.

-

“So. You’re gay?” Cliff had asked, one morning.

“Yes.” Larry answered, a little too shortly.

“Aren’t you from- like- the 30s?”

“Yes.” Larry said again, knowing full well what question was going to come next.

“Did your parents-” Cliff paused, trying to find the words. “Take it well? How did you- do that? Back then?”

Larry didn’t answer, at first. He actually had no idea what Cliff was referring to. “What?”

“Y’know- you said you had a boyfriend? John? How did you hide it? Since homosexuality was, like- illegal.”

Larry considers losing it. “They. Did not take it well.” He started, failing to mention how most parents in the day had a habit of ‘beating the queer’ out of their children. “We hid it with difficulty. I mean- we risked getting murdered- or worse, if we were caught.”

“Damn.” Cliff said. “That’s rough.”

“Yeah.” Larry sighed. He hated this conversation so much. “I married a girl I knew right out of high school- that was normal, back then- but I guess I thought if I just forced myself into it I’d turn straight, or something?”

“Did it work?”

“No. I cheated on her for years with other men and ruined my family.”

“Oh.” Cliff feels so awkward. “I mean- I did that too. Cheated on my wife. But I didn’t have a good reason for it. Like you did.”

“Cliff, I didn’t have a good reason. I don’t know what you mean by that.”

“Sure you did! I mean- cheating at all is a dick move, no matter what- but, like, you’re gay. And you got forced to marry a woman so you wouldn’t die.”

“Cliff-”

“And gay marriage is legal now! So- like- it got better! Gay rights!”

“It’s legal?”

“Yeah! In 2015- thought we celebrated it! But then you wouldn’t leave your room because you were sad about something again, and then Jane-”

“It’s legal now.” Larry said again, not listening to anything Cliff was saying. “Holy shit.”

“-Then Hammerhead threw me across a room and Chief had to wire my legs back on.”

“I hated myself so fucking much for- so long-” Larry’s face is unreadable to Cliff. “The number of times I considered killing myself because I thought there was no other option- and it’s been legal for almost five years. And I didn’t know about it.”

“How did you find out you were. You know?” Cliff asked, trying to avoid talking about Larry’s apparent suicidal tendencies.

“What?”

“How did you know you were gay?”

“Oh. I mean- when I was a kid it was pretty watered down- but I never liked the idea of having a wife or a girlfriend like everyone expected me to. In middle school, though? The boy’s locker room was definitely an eye-opener- and in my twenties I-” Larry was not going to finish that sentence. Cliff hadn’t unlocked that part of his backstory yet. “God. I tried to repress it for so long, though. It’s really weird, having other people know.” Larry’s chest glowed gently.

“It’s okay, now. There’s even gay hookup apps, and stuff. I bet Vic could help you set one up.”

Larry shrunk into his coat. He could barely handle seeing a man in shorts, the other day. He really didn’t think he was ready for this. “Cliff. I’m not. I can’t do this.”

“Why not? You’re free to be yourself!”

“Cliff. It’s been ingrained in me since I was a kid that being gay was some- awful, horrible thing. This- acceptance? It’s too new to me. I’m not ready to embrace it. I can’t.” I can’t go to hell, was what Larry was thinking. I can’t do that. “Ninety years of- of repression- and self hatred- and hiding- and all of that, I can’t just- bounce back, Cliff. I need time to think about this.”

“Do that! You can talk to me, if you need to, Larry!”

“Maybe I will.” 

FOUR 

Larry was 16 when he hurt himself for the first time. It wasn’t on purpose- he was trying to whittle a little plane in class when he sliced his thumb- but he never really stopped. He felt like he deserved it- maybe the sins he held would leave his body, dripping like blood down his arms. Or maybe he just wanted to feel something other than shame. Either way- it was the one thing he could feel totally in control of. Something that finally felt justified. Unlike his unwavering attraction toward the other boys in his classes- like the now-constant disdain of his parents- unlike the smile his first kiss gave him before they left each other behind. His parents never actually knew about this habit, but Larry convinced himself they did.He told himself this was what they really wanted- between the constant threats of going to hell, or the reminders he’s ruining their perfect family- maybe they did just want him to hurt. Suicide, back then, was almost unthinkable. Nowadays, Larry considers it often. -

Rita noticed something was- more off than usual. Larry had always been a melancholic person, but even Cliff had realized Larry not leaving his room for three days wasn’t normal. She eventually took it upon herself to drag him out of whatever slump he had gotten himself into, again- whether he liked it or not.

“Larry?” She called through his doors. Sound didn’t travel well through all that- but she was very good at being heard when she wanted to be. “Larry!”

Larry did not answer. He was bandaged, luckily, as he knew Rita would inevitably come storming in, but he didn’t want her to see the blood seeping through. He had relapsed, again, though he had nobody left to report it to with the Chief gone. That was for the best, he thought. “LARRY!” Rita knocked on the door. “I’m coming in there!”

Larry groaned. He wasn’t sure why he wasn’t stopping her. He could easily just say it would be too dangerous, or-

He could hear the decontamination chamber hiss. Fuck. He had to clean himself up fast.

“Can you- wait just a-” Too late. Rita entered, concerned. “Fuck.”

“Ah.’ Rita started, but paused, seeing Larry’s red bandages. “Larry. What were you doing in here?” Larry kicked the pocketknife he dropped under his dresser.

“Nothing.”

“Larry. You’re a terrible liar and I just watched you hide something. What did you do?”

Larry shifted his weight nervously. Everyone else he was positive wouldn’t care too much about this- though, of course, that wasn’t even remotely true- but Rita?

“I.” Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. How is he supposed to tell her he was just cutting up his own arms in an attempt to feel better about himself? To punish himself for being gay? How do you say that casually? “I was.”

“You were?” In truth, Rita already had an idea what he was doing. She just needed him to admit he needed help.

Larry avoided eye contact, though that was invisible to Rita through his goggles. “I was. Dealing with. Things.” He can feel the dams breaking. He really, really does not want to cry to Rita right now.

“Dealing with what?” Come on, Larry.

“Shit.” was all he could get out before he started sobbing. Rita sighed and put her hand on his back, like she always did when he has a hard time. This was not the first time she’s seen him at his lowest, and she knew it wouldn’t be her last. It used to be a mystery to her- she always knew he was hiding something important about himself, but what it was, exactly, she couldn’t guess. Now that he came out, though, she had a whole new perspective on it all.

This explained a lot, actually. She had thrown away the bible Chief had gifted him, because she knew he did not like the church, though she didn’t understand why until now. He had always avoided talking about relationships at all, and would shut down when asked about his past. Larry didn’t know that she knew about the times he would hobble gingerly toward Chief’s lab, blood dripping from his limbs and the burden of being a sinner on his mind. Larry was especially bitter toward the spirit, after those nights. Now Rita knew how he was so sure it won’t let him die.

“It’s okay, Larry.” was all she could think to say. “You’re safe, now.” He couldn’t answer past pulling her into a hug. Rita was pretty sure he was getting blood on her dress- but she didn’t mind. “I’d offer to patch you up, but I think you have enough bandages.”

Larry couldn’t help but laugh slightly at that. “God, Rita. I’m sorry. I hate to involve you in my own shit-”

“Larry. You’re my best friend and I care about you, even if you don’t care about you.”

“I know. I just- I should be over this already. I haven’t been to church in over sixty years- my parents have been dead for seventy- John’s already moved on- I just- goddammit, Rita. I’m lonely.” He pulls away to sit on his bed, head in his hands. “I haven’t touched another man in- god knows how long- and all I can think about is how wanting to is in itself a fucking abomination-”

“No.” Rita interrupted. “I’m not allowing that kind of negativity! It is not an abomination and you know it.” Larry only looked at her. “Now continue.”

“Uh. Okay. I miss- god, it sounds so stupid, but- I really miss-” He struggles to find the words. “Kissing men?”

Rita only nodded.

“I didn’t have the chance to- very often- but- god, Rita. There was this club- near one of my posts at the military. Before I met John. It wasn’t officially anything, but it was already a pretty established gay club. But, you know- it was more of a secret.”

“There was one of those near my apartment, you know.” Larry nodded.

“They were usually old speakeasies. But there was this man there- he was- he was really something, Rita. He was a regular, I think. Really tall.” Larry sighed wistfully. Rita smiled at him. She liked seeing him like that. Happy- or at least as close to happiness as she’d seen him get. “We spent… a lot of time together. Mostly in motel rooms.”

“What was his name?”

“I don’t remember. It was so long ago. I miss him anyway, though. Even if it was just a fling.”

“I understand.” Rita said, simply. “Have you considered- getting out there, again?”

“What, like dating? Cliff suggested it to me, but- I thought he was too enthusiastic about it. I don’t know.” It scared him, to be honest.

“I’m sure there are other gay metahumans.” Rita assured him. “With a tolerance for radiation.”

“It’s not them I’m worried about.”

“What, then?”

“How can someone love me when I can’t?” Larry was emotionless through the bandages, but Rita thought she could hear a frown. “I hate myself so. Fucking. Much, Rita. I can’t kill myself no matter how much I try- but what good is someone who’s only alive because something else is forcing them to be? Who would want that kind of baggage, Rita? Not even the fucking spirit can handle it, and it’s the thing keeping me this way.” His chest glowed.

“The first step is realizing you have a problem.”

“I realize I have a problem, Rita. I realized it when I was seven years old, thinking about some boy in my math class. I realized it every-goddamn-day when my own mother would cry and tell me she wished I’d never been born- that no matter what I did she would always love God more than me.” His voice wavered. “I realized it in church, and in school, and at home- every time the newspapers would come in with more horror stories about gay men found dead- every time a kid got the shit beat out of him by his own parents. It’s nobody’s fault but my own, Rita.” He huffed, and Rita faltered. She had never seen this from him before. “God-fucking-dammit! If I could’ve just been a normal person- for once in my goddamn life- god. Oh my god.” He stopped.

“Larry?”

“I fucking died, didn’t I?” He stood suddenly. “I died in that fucking plane crash and this is hell. I can’t die. I can’t touch anyone. I’m stuck wallowing in my own self-loathing like a fucking-”

“Larry.” Rita said again, firmly.

“And I deserve all of it! I destroyed everyone I ever loved! Just because I’m not attracted to women? Big fucking deal! I should’ve just sucked it up. I’m a fucking coward! I should’ve killed myself when I was twenty like I planned! But no. I was too scared. Fuck this! I-”

“Larry!” Rita half-yelled, stopping Larry mid sentence. “I don’t know what’s gotten into you, but you are not helping yourself. Stop having a pity-party and listen to me.”

Larry didn’t answer. He was breathing shakily. Rita could tell he was likely crying under there again.

“There’s nothing wrong with you. Nothing!” She held up her hands. “I’m sorry you were told there was, but they were blatantly wrong. All of them. Liars.” She paused to watch him. He was standing as still as a statue, watching her silently. She hoped that meant he was listening. “I know it’s been ingrained into you. But you need to leave it behind. Stop dragging it with you. It will only hurt more. You’re accepted here, Larry. Nobody would even consider hurting you over something as simple as your sexuality. You don’t need to carry that weight anymore.”

Larry sighed. “I’m sorry, Rita. I didn’t mean to yell at you.”

“It’s okay, Larry. I can’t imagine what you could be going through- but I offer my support, nonetheless.”

“I.” He paused. “Thank you.” 

FIVE 

When Larry was in the ant farm, he did not fear the torture. He knew he had it coming, anyway. It was God’s Will.

“You transferred a lot, Larry.” Forsythe would say, through the glass. “You were running from something. I intend to find out what.”

“I wasn’t running from anything.” Larry would say, over and over again.

The truth was Larry was running. Every time he thought his secret would be compromised he ran. Every time a fling ended or a boyfriend left or any of his army friends even joked about him being gay- he ran.

Now he faced the consequences for his actions, and he understood.

-

“Larry.” Chief said, bringing him back to attention. “What’s troubling you?”

This was before it all went downhill. Before Larry would come out. Before Mr. Nobody would remind him of every mistake he’d ever made. Before everything.

“Nothing. Just- remembering, is all.” Larry answered, quietly. “Before the accident.”

“Before the accident?” Chief knew it wasn’t really an accident. Larry did not. “Are you ready to talk about it?”

“No.” Larry said, quickly. Chief already knew there was something about him and John. He couldn’t risk him figuring that out. “No. The past is- it’s already happened. It doesn't matter.”

“Oh, but it does, Larry.” Chief answered, in his usual way. “The past may not define us as much as the future, but it still needs to be learned from.” Larry sighed. He had heard this so many times.

“I did learn from it, Chief.” He learned very, very well. “It just sucks.”

“Is this about your friendship with John?” Larry froze. “I know you two were very… close.”

“We weren’t. I don’t want to talk about him.” He shrunk into his coat. Chief raised an eyebrow.

“You never want to talk about him, Larry. It’s not healthy.”

“It doesn’t matter. He’s probably dead, now.”

“Do you miss him?” Chief tilted his head. He knew there had to be a way to get through Larry’s shell. If he was to be a hero, like Niles intended, he had to face this head-on.

Larry took a moment before answering, assessing the risks. Was it too obvious to say yes? “...I do.” He paused. “A. Bit.”

Chief nodded. He was getting closer. “Quite a bit, you would say?”

It was Larry’s turn to nod, adrenaline flaring up hot in his chest. “We were friends. That’s it.”

“I wasn’t implying anything else.” Larry breathed in slightly. Chief could tell he was getting anxious. “Though- we both know- you two were… a bit more than friends, yes?”

“No. I don’t know what you’re talking about. I don’t want to do this anymore.” Larry glanced around, starting to panic. “Whoever told you that, Chief- I- it’s not true. I didn’t even like him!” That was a bold lie. “I mean- if anybody was cheating- I mean- Sheryl and I were strained by the end of it-” He’s grasping for straws.

“Larry. We both know Sheryl was-” Chief was interrupted by a flash of light and Larry’s head slamming on the table. The spirit stood through the table, eyeing Chief down. He couldn’t tell how it was feeling- but judging from how agitated Larry had been beforehand, he didn’t think it was happy with him. No matter.

“There you are.” He started, but the spirit shook its head. “No? You don’t want to talk to me?” It shook its head again and held up a hand. “Oh. Who taught you the middle finger?” It tilted its head. Chief could feel it glaring daggers at him. “I’m sorry I hurt you. It’s important that Captain Trainor learn to-” The spirit had enough of that. It flew in a small circle around Chief, shorting out the lone light in the room. A threat. It knew Chief knew what it was capable of.

Larry awoke suddenly to Chief watching him. He must’ve needed the spirit for something- he doesn’t really know about John. He sighed, instinctively rubbing his goggles.

“That was… unintentional. I apologize, Larry.” Larry looked at him. What the fuck was he after? “Now- John-”

“No. Fuck, Niles. I’m not doing this.” Larry stood. “I’m not reliving my mistakes for you. I’m going to take a nap.”

“Larry. We both know it wasn’t a mistake.” Chief held out his hands. “You cheated on your wife. You hid. Why?”

“I did not cheat on Sheryl. I did not hide. Niles. I don’t know what you want from me, but I’m not going to-” He paused. “I’m not going to do this. I cared about her.” That, at least, was not a lie. “I loved her.” That was. “It’s over, now. I’m paying for what I did- who I was. Just- let that be.”

“Who were you, though?”

“I was a sinner, Chief.” Larry left. 

SIX x3 

“Sheryl.” Larry had said, so long ago. She looked over, glowing in the moon, her hair slightly in her face. He felt no attraction whatsoever for her. He tried to force himself to, anyway. It was sinful. He had to do this.

“I have something to tell you.”

“Yeah?” She smiled. She was his friend. He chose her only because she was the only girl he felt he could at least live with.

God. He felt sick. He knew this would hurt her, too. He didn’t want this.

“I love you.” Lying is a sin, too. A lesser of two evils, he had decided. Anything to avoid burning in hell. Anything. Just like his parents had told him. Just like the ministers said.

“Larry!” She had laughed. He felt like throwing up.

Outwardly, Larry had been untouched. Untainted by tragedy and self-hatred. Inwardly, he had become a flaming wreck long before that crash.

-

“Vic.” Larry stood in the doorway, nervously. “Hey.”

“Hey, Larry.” Vic turned to give him a wave. “What’s up?”

“Well. I. Uh.” Larry paused. This was terrifying. “You know- computers and stuff, right?”

“Uh- yeah! What do you need?��� Vic looks at him for a moment. He really didn’t mind helping everyone with modern technology! He just never really realized how old everyone was until he was explaining to Larry how color TVs worked- or that cocaine was not a viable medicine anymore to Rita.

“I. Want to meet people.” He held up his phone. “I don’t. Know how.”

“Oh. Where did you get that phone?”

“Rita said I could borrow it.”

“...Okay. What do you want me to do?” Vic hasn’t dated since he was in high school. What was Larry expecting from him?

“Cliff said there are apps for it. For men. Meeting. Other. Men.” Larry is gritting his teeth. “You know computers. I want to. Download one.”

“Oh. Oh! I can help you with that. To an extent.” Vic clarified. “I’ll only help you set up and show you how to use it- the chatting is up to you.”

“Okay.” Larry handed him the phone.

“What are you after? There’s apps for metahumans, and gay people- I’m pretty sure there’s one for veterans-”

“Well. I guess I’d need. The metahuman one. Since they’d need. Some kind of.” He held up his hands. “Immunity.”

“Right.” Vic did not like that implication. “Does Rita know you want to hook up with guys through her phone?”

“Yes. She helped me prepare for this conversation.” Larry shuffled his feet nervously. “It. Did not work. Still awkward.”

“You two are close. Okay- so I downloaded an app called Metameet- it’s mainly for metahumans but there’s an option for gay members. You’re- what, 95? So I already set your username as larrytrainor. That’s usually what- people around your age do.”

“I’m 92. Though the accident was when I was 30-something.”

“Okay. I’ll put that as your age. And. Probably mention that you’re immortal.”

“No. Wait.” Larry put his hand on Vic’s shoulder. “Don’t put that I’m gay. Please.”

“Larry, it’ll say you’re a man seeking a man either way.”

“I know. I just- I can’t be gay. I can’t.” He nearly gagged on the word both times. Vic only looked at him.

“...Okay.” He hit the backspace button. “What’s your problem with it?”

Larry froze. Over the past month he’s had to explain this- five times? “Uh. I.” Fuck. Fuck! He doesn’t deserve this. “It’s just not allowed. I’m not- I’m not supposed to be- into men.”

“You know that’s not true, right?” Vic gave him a confused look. “You… are allowed to be gay, Larry.”

“It’s not like that. I-” He breathed in. “I guess you’re a little too young to really get it.”

“Try me.”

“In the 30s and 40s when I was a kid- it wasn’t- legal. To like. Others. Of the same sex.”

“Yeah?”

“Everyone was really religious, too. So. As hard as I tried to hide it- my parents eventually figured it out. I was 11. After that it just-” He paused. Vic nodded.

“Oh. We learned about that in history in high school.”

“Yeah. It was pretty common for parents to try and beat it out of us.” He paused. “Didn’t work.”

“I’m sorry about that.” Vic started-

“It’s fine. It doesn’t matter, now.”

“Okay.” A pause. “I’m going to put ‘radiation immunity’ as a must.”

“That’s a good idea.” Another pause.

“Can I ask…?”

“Ask what?”

“How did you meet him?”

Larry went silent for a minute, and Vic was scared he made him sad again, somehow.

“We were in the same squadron.” He started slowly, remembering. “He wasn’t my first, honestly- but he was the- he was the one I really loved. I- honestly? If it wasn’t- literally illegal- and I was already married- I probably would have-” He stopped. He never said that out loud.

“That’s. That’s rough, Larry.” He stopped to think. “You can do that now, you know.”

“Yeah. I think- I think that’s why I’m doing this.” A pause.

“I think I’m ready to live the way I always wanted to.”

[backtobasicbellas]

If you’re accepting, an AU of Zadison I would love to see: zadison in harry potter, where madison’s a slytherin and zoe’s the hufflepuff or gryffindor she knows she shouldn’t hit on out of rivalry but divination says they’re meant to be :D Your fics on AO3 about them were FANTASTIC, by the way! Thank you for those.

who’s to fight it? (it’s your future)

words: 3,017

(this truly got longer than i expected but…here it is! also check out madison and zoe’s hogwarts moodboards i made)

When Professor Day pairs her students up for her activity of the day, Madison is pleasantly surprised when she finds herself working with Gryffindor Zoe Benson.

Madison wasn’t really listening to any of Professor Day’s lecture, but she’s pretty sure it has something to do with killing a plant and then reviving it or something dumb like that. Either way, Zoe’s smart and was probably hanging onto their professor’s every instruction.

She adjusts her silver and green tie as Zoe approaches.

“Were you even listening at all?” Zoe lightly teases.

Madison rolls her eyes. “We’ll be fine.”

She and Zoe aren’t friends - Madison would really rather not call a Gryffindor a friend - but they’re friendly enough towards each other. Madison has a reputation of being a bitch, which she proudly encourages and lives up to, but Zoe has never once seemed afraid of her or judgemental of her.

Of course, Zoe isn’t excused from Madison’s jabs, but she always takes them in stride, either rolling her eyes or shrugging it off. Madison kind of admires that, really.

Actually, Madison’s always thought Zoe’s cute. She’s kind of hot too, like when she’s kind of pissed or when she wears that proud smirk when someone tries to correct her in class only for them to be incorrect and Zoe to be completely right and follow through with an execution of whatever spell they’re learning.

However, Madison would be caught dead before she ever hit on a Gryffindor. She’s a Slytherin for crying out loud; she can’t go around fraternizing with the likes of Zoe just because she’s cute and Madison’s bored.

(And yes, it might be because Madison is a little competitive and their two houses have a rivalry that runs deep.

So what?)

“Are you going to get us started or should I just do it all myself?”

Madison quirks an eyebrow at Zoe’s slight hint of sass, clearly impressed. Zoe only looks at her expectantly, so after a moment Madison lets out a scoff.

“Fine,” she says before she’s waving her hand over the plant and murmuring a few words in latin.

The plant wilts on command, looking very much dead, and Madison turns to Zoe with a smirk.

“See? Easy.”

Zoe simply rolls her eyes at Madison, now placing her hand over the plant and reciting a few different words in latin.

Madison can’t help but be slightly entranced; Zoe recites spells with such conviction and focus. She turns her head when Zoe finishes, watching as the plant comes back to life effortlessly, like it’s been meant to do that all along.

“Miss Montgomery, Miss Benson,” Professor Day says with a smile. “Excellent execution.”

Zoe beams. “Thank you, Professor.”

Madison snorts when Professor Day passes. “See? I told you.”

Zoe rolls her eyes and laughs, and Madison tries not to be so affected by the pure sound.

And Madison wants to add something else, something that she knows can get Zoe’s cheeks to match the red on her own tie, but she stops herself.

She can’t do that, not with Zoe.

//

Madison knows she’s a powerful witch.

She’s known it for as long as she can remember, both of her parents coming from a magical line of wizards and witches tracing all the way back as far as Madison’s concerned.

However, the one thing she doesn’t seem to be mastering any time soon is divination. She just kind of thinks it’s ridiculous, who even needs divination  that seriously anyway? Madison’s a firm believer of creating your own future - or whatever bullshit people spew out these days.

This particular frustration, however, comes to her in divination class because Madison sucks at every kind of divination. What’s even more annoying though is she sits next to Nan, a Ravenclaw who somehow knows things most people don’t, and she’s really fucking good at this.

“It’s not hard,” Nan shrugs when they study Tessomancy.

Madison’s gaze snaps up from her stupid tea leaves to glare at her classmate.

“We get it bitch, you’re some prophet or some shit,” she sneers.

Nan is unbothered by her jab though, and goes back to her tea leaves. Madison peers at her own just to see nothing more than soggy tea leaves that should probably be thrown out.

Madison is honestly ready to give up on the class - who cares if Professor Goode borderline fails her, really it’s just stupid divination - when they get around to crystal gazing.

“You want me to look at this dumb crystal ball and see my future?” Madison scoffs. “This class is so dumb.”

Professor Goode gives Madison a look. “Will you just try it, Madison? Nan will help you.”

Nan smiles at her, but Madison only rolls her eyes and lets out another scoff. Professor Goode sighs and moves on to another set of students, clearly just as exasperated with Madison as the girl is with her class.

And it takes some push and pull from both of them, but Madison finally gives in, relaxing completely and the fog finally decides to change.

What she sees confuses her and intrigues her all at the same time, and when Nan asks what she sees, she’s back to her normal self.

“None of your goddamn business.”

(She thinks about it the rest of the day, the rest of the week.)

//

Madison refuses to talk to anyone - especially Nan, who somehow looks like she knows exactly what Madison saw - about what she saw in that stupid crystal ball.

She doesn’t tell anyone because it’s stupid and dumb, and how accurate is this shit anyway?

Yet it feels like she can’t escape it, no matter how hard she tries because she’s in the library - thank you Professor Goode for being an ultimate pain in the ass - when she sees none other than Gryffindor Zoe Benson.

It wouldn’t be such a problem seeing Zoe - besides the fact, you know, most Gryffindors are the biggest pain her ass - but when she sees the brunette she’s immediately brought back to divination and what she saw and really, she’s still trying to wrap her mind around it.

That stupid crystal ball made one thing very clear: she and Zoe are supposed to end up together.

Madison almost scoffs out loud in the library when the thought appears in her mind again because just look at Zoe. She’s got her nose buried in a book and looks actually pleased to be spending an afternoon in the library of all places reading a book. Her eyes are lit up with wonder and she’s so lost in her reading and - okay, she actually looks kind of cute like this.

But the point is, how the fuck is Madison even supposed to end up with someone like Zoe Benson?

Zoe’s, like, a complete nerd even if she is friends with Mallory, who’s one of those popular Quidditch players. And more importantly Zoe’s a Gryffindor. Madison knows better than to date someone like that; she’s a goddamn Slytherin for crying out loud.

//

Zoe Benson is starting to pop up everywhere.

They’re in the same year so seeing each other around isn’t much of a surprise, but Madison swears the universe is out to get her.

She feels like everywhere she turns, Zoe is somehow also in the same place at the same time. Madison’s passed her in the hallways between classes and to and from meals more times than she can count. When she has to go to the library, Zoe is in there either by herself or with a friend or two studying or reading.

(Which, Madison will admit sometimes she plans her trips because she knows a certain Gryffindor will be in there.

Sue her.)

It’s getting ridiculous actually, how all she can think about is Zoe and her dumb smile and how smart she is and how she doesn’t take anyone’s shit and -

God dammit, Madison. Get a grip.

“You’re thinking too loud.”

Madison whips her head to look at Nan. The girl is writing her notes in her notebook, not even bothering to meet Madison’s gaze.

“What are you talking about?”

“If this is about whatever you saw when were crystal-gazing, it’s obviously going to happen,” Nan states in a matter-of-fact tone as she finishes writing the last of her sentence before dipping her quill into the ink while Madison gapes at her. “So you might as well stop fighting it.”

It’s now that Madison wonders if it’s even possible for the likes of wizards and witches to be clairvoyant because she’s pretty sure Nan is. It’s like she’s in Madison’s head.

“I didn’t see anything,” she snaps, trying to brush off the conversation as she turns her attention back to her half-written notes. “And even if I did, I wouldn’t care. This shit is stupid.”

Nan simply says, “I think we both know I’m right.”

A scoff drops from Madison’s lips as she turns and looks at Nan again, expecting the smaller girl to at least elaborate. When Nan doesn’t, Madison rolls her eyes and grabs her quill pen from the ink bottle, trying to block out all and any thoughts of the crystal ball and Zoe Benson.

//

When Madison walks into Professor Goode’s classroom well after classes have finished, she’s greeted by a slightly confused look.

“Miss Montgomery,” she greets with slight confusion, but a smile nonetheless. “What can I do for you?”

“I was wondering if I could practice my crystal-gazing,” Madison tells her a little too simply. “Nan has been trying to work with me outside of class, but, you know, kind of hard to actually practice without a crystal ball.”

Professor Goode is surprised by her answer, but she lights up at the prospect of Madison actually putting in effort to succeed in her class. The Slytherin resists the urge to roll her eyes at the expression.

“Of course,” Professor Goode nods, standing from her chair and making her way to the back of the classroom.

Madison follows her slowly, arms crossed and fingers tapping against her robe.

Professor Goode retrieves one of her crystal balls and hands it over to Madison.

“You can use it in here,” she informs the young witch. “Just make sure you put it back after.”

Madison offers the tiniest of smiles. “Thank you, Professor.”

Professor Goode gives her one last nod before she returns to her desk in the front of the classroom.

Madison slips into the first row of desks she sees and places the crystal ball in front of her. She exhales slowly, letting herself relax before she focuses her attention on the crystal ball before her. It takes a few moments, but the fog is beginning to clear.

The first scene she sees is herself and Zoe in an empty corridor, this Madison pulling Zoe by her collar and kissing her senseless. She watches as Zoe giggles against Madison’s lips and Madison smiles against her lips.

The next scene must be a few years later, Madison guesses they might even be graduated from Hogwarts by then, but they walk down a street, holding hands. This Madison looks happy and her eyes shine when they look at this older Zoe, who is pulling her along and into a bookstore.

The following scene brings Madison to what looks like a flat. She recognizes herself and Zoe, a few years older than they were in the last scene. Zoe is curled up on the couch reading a book. Older Madison enters the scene, wearing an oversized sweater and probably not much else, and she walks behind the couch before she’s leaning over to wrap her arms around Zoe’s shoulders from behind.

Zoe shifts back comfortably against her, and Madison lets out a content sigh before she’s leaving kisses all over Zoe until Zoe cannot focus on her book anymore. Zoe tugs Madison over the couch with a yelp from the blonde, and they’re laughing and kissing and saying “I love you.” This Madison is wearing a ring.

The final scene Madison sees is much farther in the future. She and Zoe are white-haired and old and everything Madison somewhat dreads about aging, but they are in a kitchen where Zoe cooks dinner and Madison is perched at the counter watching. Zoe lets Madison taste whatever she has cooking and Madison beams at her before Zoe is kissing her sweetly. This Madison’s eyes are full of love and appreciation and something Madison has always been longing for.

When the fog fully returns, Madison blinks a few times before pulling herself away from the crystal ball. She’s quiet after, mulling over the scenes she’s seen again and the thoughts running through her mind.

She returns the crystal ball and quietly thanks Professor Goode before walks out, trying to truly process what she’s known for weeks.

She and Zoe are meant to be.

//

It’s the weekend trip into Hogsmeade and Madison decides at the last minute to go. The weather is nice outside; it’s evident by the sheer increase of people on the train this time around and how excited they are once they arrive, practically flying out of the train as soon as the doors open.

Madison takes her time and strolls around; it reminds her often of when she was much younger and her parents would talk of taking a trip to Hogsmeade back during their days at Hogwarts, telling Madison that she’d long for her weekend trips there.

She’s passing by Honeydukes when she recognizes a certain brunette wandering the street by herself. For a moment, Madison hesitates. She chews her bottom lip, almost stopping in her tracks.

The rivalry inside of her won’t just quit it - this much she knows - but she thinks about what her future’s supposed to be like. She reminds herself how the Madison she’d seen in the crystal ball had everything that she’s felt like she’s missing and has been longing for.

She quickens her pace, falling into step with the other girl.

“What, did all your friends ditch you?”

Zoe looks at Madison and shakes her head, a smile appearing on her features. “Hello to you too, Madison.”

Madison gives her an amused look. “Let me guess, you told them you were going to Tomes and Scrolls and they  all decided they have better things to do.”

“And what’s wrong with Tomes and Scrolls?” Zoe asks, mildly offended.

“God Benson, you’re such a nerd,” Madison tells her.

“Some of us actually enjoy learning, you know.”

Madison smirks. “I know; you’re kind of hot when you’re all concentrated in the library.”

Initially, Zoe’s cheeks flush. She ducks her head, attempting to let her face hide the way she’s been affected by Madison’s words. Madison resists lighting up at the reaction.

“I…Are you spying on me in the library, Montgomery?”

Madison shrugs, tossing her hair behind her shoulder. “I know how to appreciate a view when I see one, that’s all.”

She notices how Zoe bites her lip, but not before a smile starts to spread. Her cheeks are still flushed, and she’s left somewhat stuttering because Madison is completely catching her by surprise.

Madison knows she’s got Zoe right where she wants her.

“Come on nerd,” she says suddenly, beginning to walk ahead of Zoe.

“Where are we going?”

“Did you not want to go to Tomes and Scrolls?”

Zoe frowns. “You just…”

Madison rolls her eyes, reaching out and pulling Zoe’s hand to tug her forward. “Let’s go before I change my mind.”

Zoe looks from their hands to Madison’s expectant expression. She manages a nod, letting Madison hold her hand until the blonde lets go.

And Madison may complain about books and how boring it is the whole time, but she sure has fun making Zoe blush and stutter with every other comment.

//

“Madison, I’m trying to study,” Zoe huffs. “You should be too, you know.”

“I’m tired of studying,” Madison tells her. “Can’t we like, do anything else?”

“And what would you like to do?”

Madison’s eyes light up, she smirks.

Right where she wants her, yet again.

“I could think of a few things I’d do to you.”

Zoe blushes furiously, Madison’s name coming off as a hiss on her lips before she’s turning back to her books and pointedly not looking at the blonde.

Madison grins wide, leaning back in her chair comfortably.

//

Hogsmeade becomes a regular activity for Madison and Zoe, as in going together.

This time when they go, Madison slips her hand into Zoe’s like it’s the most natural thing in the world. There’s slight surprise on Zoe’s face, but she doesn’t say a word.

Madison holds her hand for basically the whole trip, with exceptions of entering stores and eventually the pub.

Zoe doesn’t mind, she likes when Madison intertwines their fingers, how someone who outwardly seems so cold feels so warm in her grasp. She doesn’t pull away even when Madison has her flushed and stuttering, like always.

(And sure, maybe Zoe’s friends raise their eyebrows, and she owes them an explanation later.

But Madison’s threatening look is enough for them to mind their own business for now.)

//

Madison swears she’s waiting for Zoe to finally make a move.

She is, but Zoe is just so adorably cautious, so afraid for pulling the trigger and going in.

So Madison gives in.

Zoe is in the middle of explanation some spell or another to Madison when Madison tugs the front of her sweater and pulls her in. Their lips meet and it’s clear Zoe wasn’t expecting this at all, but she melts when Madison kisses her and it’s enough for Madison to know this is exactly where she needs to be.

“Oh,” Zoe says when Madison pulls away.

She looks dazed and utterly adorable and it’s hard enough for Madison not to pin her up against the wall immediately.

“What?” Madison asks playfully, an amused expression on her face. “You didn’t think I was flirting with you just for fun now, did you?”

It makes Zoe laugh before she replies, “You’re such a smart ass” and pulls Madison in for another kiss.

[tamiddyinyourcity]

11:13pm. I've said it before, and I'll say it again.

I did not expect to like this man.

Tuesday, July 9th of 2019.

11:13pm. Lying in my younger brother's room, to avoid the fatality that is trying to sleep in my own bedroom, with the grandmother who smells like she shit herself. Which she most likely has, but never seems to be in a rush to actually shower or rinse off or anything hygienic.

Gross. :/.

Anyways.

I'm... scared. I like this dude too much. I hate romantic feelings, and if anything I hate never knowing if I'm too much, or too little, for somebody else.

But it's not the only reason I'm anxious.

I also:

Am being forced to be apart of a job hiring program, that didn't even have any employers signed onto their shit.

Am going through a crisis on how ever since I turned 17, life has gotten worse, and soon I will be 19 and just about ready to kill myself when the right moment and perfect opportunity comes.

Why deal with a shitty job at a shitty job program for the summer, when it cuts out my quality time to spend with the one person who shows me some real fucking affection before they leave for school in the middle of the next month???? I wanna spend more time with them, not deal with the monotony of life and capitalism.

The job center place said "be careful of what is on social media, or places may not hire you or will just suddenly fire you".... and here i am, on the Internet, talking about suicide, sex, and how much i absolutely am devastated at the idea of working, when i would much rather be nomadic and without needing to pay a debt to society.

Feeling like a failure to society's standard, but a winner to my own, despite being too afraid of the consequences to really make my own success, by leaving the really toxic people behind me. :)

What if I just became homeless? Could i survive like that?... probably not. But eh.

If I ever got kicked out, who could i go to? I dunno.

Why is life shitty.

Sigh.

I feel weird in life.

Just... so much to be anxious about.

It doesn't help that someone I knew months ago spontaneously re-entered my life, told me all of their traumatic and personally triggering childhood memories, and then came to me for the answers.... I am ten years younger than them and barely even know how to save 40 dollars, bro, i cant fix your life....

Nor did they accept the help they pressured me to give them.

Like several other people in the job center today, asking for advice on what to write for their cover letter but still fucking shit up on their own by going "Yeah! Haha....", and then.... not taking a single fucking bit of my advice given.

.......

It just feels useless, man.

All of it.

Life is wasted on us.

All my aspirations are kinda tossed out the window. Im broke. Im tired. Life sucks.

I just really feel like shit.

And everything about the last few days has me ready to start sobbing. My boyfriend said "I'm free for hella days this week, ill hit you up when you wanna chill", and so far we still haven't met up...

The confidence I felt in my own self-government when I told my sister I would pass on re-entering the same job program that fucked me up last summer.... until she was a loser and whined to my mom, who then forced me to go. (No debating with her, or else its "you dont pay rent", even though she blatantly takes my disability checks to pay for rent when she doesnt work a job, and next thing you know, all my shit, is out on the curb.)

Spending most of today with people i didnt want to be around, who also gave absolutely no shits about me, and being taught shit that i had already known about by myself, from 9am to 3:30pm...

And of course the judgemental looks from those i was around today for my choice of an outfit and my overall exhaustation or disinterest and shyness for the day, recalling the intense embarrassment and paranoia over someone that isnt even my boyfriend from how they talk to other people during our last sorta cutesy hangout... all of that shit.

I don't know man. Its all so hard to explain.

I just feel anxious.

I want to leave. Pack all of my shit. Move into a sublet. Work a job at a boutique, instead of whatever shitty office job i get from this work program, and dress as classy as i fucking want. Have my own schedule. My own life.

Far, far away from here.

See who i want, say what i want, love who i want and be around those i choose.

....

I gotta buy hangers.

To hang up all my clothes, and purge my closet. Get rid of anything i can't carry myself...

Save money, not spending a dime.

Apply to places, make it easier for me to drop everything and leave once I finally see a good chance for myself.

I need to start loving myself again.

Not loving other people and memories of them, in the shit scented bedroom, just so I can temporarily forget how much i hate this lifestyle.

I will never leave otherwise if i let myself Alice in Wonderland my way through so much shit. Daydreaming about the boy I love and the life I wish I allowed myself to have, doesnt stop the walls from feeling sticky or from my stomach being unable to be filled at all.

....

Love myself first and no one else.

Since when my family leaves, and my lover leaves, and my friends or whatever spare love interests or "concubines" fall out of the picture frame....

The remaining image will still be of me.

Will it be me smiling and feeling glad with my new life?

Or worse?

Lets see.

11:38pm, gonna send my resume to a fuckton of places online and hope for the best.

[deafeningcreationperson-blog]

Is accutane usually covered by insurance?

"Is accutane usually covered by insurance?

i have blue cross blue shield insurance if that helps.

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Iam 22 now, I am under my fathers geico policy, I pay $278.00 a month, not even full coverage. My car is Nissan Maxima 00. I have never been in car accident since I got my license for 4 years now. I know Iam paying little too high cuz my sis who turn 18 is also on the policy now by law. For that price I should be getting full coverage !! But wondering how much are you guys paying for your insurance monthly etc? College kids related only please, dont tell me you pay dirt cheap cuz your 40 years old, thats obivious. Also what is the cheapest company I can switch to ? cuz Iam in college and have barely any money, all my money goes in the insurance and if Iam lucky I get to gas up a full tank maybe once a month lol.""

I was stopped by police for no car insurance which I thought was covered on my other car. What's the fine?

I'm 28 and have been driving for 9 years but have no record against me before. It will go to court but does anyone know a ballpark figure of the fine/points, etc...?""

Urgent..car insurance gt expired n 3 days later my car got stolen... can i claim or can anythin be done ..help?

my car insurance got expired on 7 oct 2011 and my car got stolen on 10 oct 2011... i have never taken any claim before.. it was a swift 2 yr old car... m so sad pls suggest if anythin ...show more

1998 Nissan 240sx SE Insurance costs?

I am looking at buying this car, but I want to know how much insurance would cost before I look into it. I am 16 years old and just got my license and have never been in a car crash ...show more""

What car insurance providers are NOT on comparison websites?

What car insurance providers are NOT on comparison websites?

Life insurance and payout?

I want to get life insurance in the amount of 250000 for my daughter. If I pass away I am concerned how the money will be spent. How can I make sure the money goes to a college education and perhaps buying a home for her. I have no family so I cant ask anybody to take care of this if I pass away. Thanks. I live in California.

How to get cheaper insurance on a Motorcycle?

I'm 24, 25 in 10 days. I have wanted a motorcycle for the longest time, I have rode dirt bikes most of my life. I plan on getting a 600cc bike, but can't understand why the rates are so high. I hear about people who are 18 who are only paying $90. a month but they want to charge me $200.+ I have called around and just would like advice for those who might be paying less for insurance. The bikes I would like are 2006-2009 Yamaha R6/CBR600/GSX 600. Let me know if anyone has one of these and is a new rider and got pretty cheap insurance. I currently have Geico, and even with a clean record and multiple cars they still want a ridiculous amount.""

Is accutane usually covered by insurance?

i have blue cross blue shield insurance if that helps.

Whats the rule for taxing life insurance in California in 2011?

I think before it was anything after half a million is taxable and no tax in 2010...but would it be now?

Do i have to remove a car i sold from my insurance?

i had 2 cars an old car and a new car, they were both insured under one policy with me and my son as the only drivers. now i sold the old car, and when i get a quote for removing my old car from my insurance policy it says that the insurance will increase about $70 every 6 months and that's because i loose the multiple car discount and also because i had my young son as driver only on the old car and removing it will force me to put him as a driver on the new car. i sold the car and i have a paper from the person that i sold it to indicating that they bought it. my question now is, would there be any risks by keeping the car on the policy, is it illegal? or if anything happens to the car, will they go after my insurance although i sold the car? *i already sent the release of liability to the DMV *i live in California any help would be appreciated 10 pts for best answer""

Car incurance for a seventeen year old girl ?

heyy, my daughter would be able to drive in the summer when shes seventeen, how much would it cost for her insurance if she is put under my name (share car with me) price range from a peugeot 206 to a small BMW would be appriciated if possible? many thanks for your time and help""

""How much do braces cost in los angeles, without insurance?""

I don't really have crooked teeth. My bottom teeth are straight... and my top teeth look straight from a frontal shot, but in reality one of my canine teeth is a little higher and outward then the rest. I want to straighten that one out. How much do braces cost without insurance? in cash! thakns""

Anyone know of a good car insurance agency in Homestead FL?

I am moving from Michigan to South Florida soon and of course I need to get car insurance down there. I go through a agency in Michigan that searched 5 different insurance companies to get me the best price.. Anyone know of a agency like this in the Homestead Florida area?

How to talk to somone on the phone to set up appointments for insurance?

hi guys i just got a job at a insurance place and my part of the job is to call people to get insurance leads. does anyone know whats the best way to sell insurance and get appointments? please and thank you

Is car insurance cheaper in Delaware the PA?

I am going to be moving from Pennsylvania to Delaware in the upcoming months. I will need to change my auto insurance and was wondering for anyone else that has made this move, is it cheaper to insure in Delaware(Wilmington) then in Pennsylvania(suburbs)?""

I need to know some car insurance quotes if any one knows them?

Im 15 i have my temps and almost got my licence and im looking to buy a car and was looking at either a jeep of ford ranger under the year of 2000 any one know what insurance would be for me?

How much does deep cleaning usually cost?

My pocket size was 2 or 3 and some of my molars were 4 or 5. So I know I do need deep cleaning. I did half of my mouth already which is $200 and I'm going to do the other side which also cost $200. So I'm paying $400 overall. I have good insurance through my dad so I didn't have insurance it would be Around $1800. It just seems so expensive

What is the best and most affordable whole life insurance i can get for my mother who is 77?

what's the best and most affordable whole life policy i can get for my mother who is 77 and has numerous health concerns?

Car insurance in New York

I am a new driver i just got my license. I need to get car insurance on my ride. How much will it cost for a new driver? How quick of time can I get it? How much will it cosh me monthly? Spec about insurance please. thanks for your time

""Trying to buy Car insurance on my own, but i don't know how much to buy?""

I'm getting an online quote and i'm buying a car for 2500. the page displays a bunch of coverage that would be paid in the even that it was my fault, but i don't know anything about deductables. Would anyone be able to tell me how much money for each coverage is good. and if i should get a deductable. thanks so much""

Car insurance for a 1969 Camaro?

I'm 20 and was wondering about how much a 69 camaro would cost me a month under my insurance.

Help with Health Insurance?

hi, im a 20 year old male and i have no health insurance. i have deviated septum and need it to be surgically fixed. was wondering if i could join an insurance plan just for that surgery. it is not a pre-existing condition, so could i get the surgery during the waiting period and if not, what are good insurance companies that have relatively low periods.""

Do you need motorcycle insurance in the state of Tennessee?

As a Tennesseean, I was wondering if motorcycle insurance is necessary in order to ride in the state.""

Where Can I find good dental insurance?

I need dental insurance that will cover oral surgery, as I have 2 ingrown wisdom teeth.""

Where is the cheapest place to get motorcycle insurance?

I am 21 have a clean driving record and have a motorcycle permit. I got a quote of $30 a month that's with comprehensive with a deductible of $100. Is this probably as cheap as I can get?

What could happen to me if i didnt tell insurance company?

that i was done for drink drive 3 yrs ago... wana apply for my licence back have checked insurance and said i have a drink drive conviction will cost 1,790....when i dont say then it costs me 400 quid... what do i do and what can happen and how wld they find out and who can find out..... thanx all in advance x""

True or False; We should let people decide weather they want health insurance or not?

True or False; We should let people decide weather they want health insurance or not?

What car insurance is cheapest?

im enlisted in the marines right now and i haven't shipped out to boot camp yet, i will be 18 years old and planning on getting a used jeep wrangler after boot camp, i just want to know which car insurance will bee the cheapest for it, thanks!""

Insurance for teens ?

I just recently got my g2 and I was just wondering if I can drive with out insurance and if not what are the consequences if I get caught by the police. And can I drive on the highway with out the assistance of an experienced driver. Btw I live in Ontario, Canada.""

How much will my car insurance be?

I live in Dallas Texas, I'm 18 years old, I've had defensive driving school, which I've been told gives you at the most 10% off your rate...i own a 1998 Jeep Grand Cherokee Laredo, in REALLY good condition, car alarm...all the gadgets...but since I'm 18 who would be the best to go with...also I'm seeking FULL Coverage for the first 6 months of driving in Dallas, because people do not know how to drive and I want to make sure I'm covered...any help or advice??? THANX""

If you can't afford health insurance for your family and the government says you make too much...?

then what do you suggest? What if your family has too much income according to the government for your kids to even qualify for Medicaid or the low cost options (CHIP)? My husband makes $48,000 a year before taxes are taken out. While that does pay the bills and keep food on the table, we can't do a $800 monthly insurance policy and our kids are denied Medicaid and CHIP (we make $300 too much per month, of all things). We pay the necessities. We don't over spend and we don't go out and spend money on entertainment more than a few times yearly and even then it's cheap entertainment. We do what we can, but health insurance just isn't going to happen for us unless one of two things happens: 1- my husband gets a major pay raise or 2- the government changes their income requirements (don't see that happening). So what do you suggest for my family? We do what we can. We use our tax returns each year for medical expenses and bill pay offs. If a major medical expense comes up, we pay it down little by little. We do use the public health department when we can. But bottom line is that we can't afford insurance. Period. So, for all of you who think this is completely unacceptable, what do you suggest we do?""

How will Obama's healthcare plan help me?

Please answer this question only if you truly know the answer. I am tired of all the rhetoric. I work at a hospital in patient access. The insurance the company offers is too expensive so I chose not to take it. I also know, from the job I do, that it doesn't pay very well for the employees that do use it. So how will Obama's plan help me to be able to #1 afford health insurance #2 have good coverage offered to me""

""Insurance rates in California to rise 147% under Obamacare,was obama lying or does he just not know?

http://www.forbes.com/sites/theapothecary/2013/05/30/rate-shock-in-california-obamacare-to-increase-individual-insurance-premiums-by-64-146/

Is accutane usually covered by insurance?

i have blue cross blue shield insurance if that helps.

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/any-insurance-companies-offering-minimum-200000-liability-michael-fox/"

[somedaypast-thesunset]

i had a nice weekend, amazingly enough. in some ways i feel we both made an effort but at the same time we didn’t. like we just chilled - didnt try to make plans or rush through, just accepted that this was the activity.

it helped to change the routine up a bit. since my roommate left, we decided to stay at my place. i had a friend over for tea before being dropped off at his place where we packed up some things and came back. we got weed and alcohol and watched the unabomber documentary on netflix. it was nice - no one was yelling, no one was bothered. i brought my bed out to the living room so we could watch the big screen and relax.

in the morning we went to the bakery and bought good stuff for breakfast. smoked some weed, finished the unabomber series and took a nap. then we went skating at the park downtown before buying ingredients to make a fancy pasta dinner at his house.

it was very nice. i felt that this was ~my christmas. we definitely needed time / space to enjoy each other as is instead of constantly rushing and or making plans for other things. the success of it and the lure of downtown began helping him change his min (as well as the fact he wants to live the life the unabomber lived and now he realizes its kind of crazy)tm

this week i have a doctors appointment and im supposed to get a tattoo. he leaves on friday basically but he should be back before the next friday which oesnt seem that bad at all? he’ll still be here for new years. and my birthday. considering i dont care about christmas anyways, seems like an okay deal and i’ll probably get free random shit from people anyways. 

things are 20% less bad than they were on thursday/friday last week. it’s not great but i dont want to die. which is like .... the most normal level of being for me possible rght now. i am not “excited” to see my doctor because it means ive gone off the deep end but i am excited for the relief that i will feel upon talking to a professional who advocates for me. i am considering asking if he would want to talk to one of my friends who has been dealing with me to see if it would help because i think it would help to see that i have smart friends who are active in my life in positive ways - like i still want to provide proof that i’m not just some drug addict.

on the weekend i told him the story of my cat frank. frank died in really traumatic circumstances which was totally unusual for most people. frank was very very very sick and i took him to the vet by bus because my father was very sick. the vet took my cat, performed emergency procedures on him, then asked me to pay for it. when i couldnt pay for it they gave me the option of releasing it to the humane society, which the humane society woulnt take it and i would have to rive it there myself or put the now healthy cat down. so basically i had to put it down. they wanted me to pay to put it down as well. i had a friends father come in and he yelled at them and made a ig eal and they put it down for me for free.

in my life, i figured this was just ~ another thing. he asked me why this happened, how it couldve happened, that it was like a really terrible story if not one of the worst he’s ever heard and pressed for details. i did not fully realize at the time how unique my exprience was. i thought this went with my old line of belief - i was crazy. i was the crazy one just experiencing the world aroun me and reacting to it in a crazy way. i just “didnt understand” what was happening. i was 16 and alone and just dealing with this. 

but i was not crazy. i had taken my family pet to the vet like anyone would in modern society on the expectation that they cared about animals. but they did not care at all and i dont think that people fully understand that the pet industry is about money - it is not about the animal at all. but most people will drain their bank accounts for a beloved animal. i know people who have spent thousands of dollars and acted like it was completely normal and okay. 

is it though? i dont know. it seems fucked that we domesticated animals to an overabunance and then put a huge price tag on caring for one that they would otherwise kill. when this animal once survived in the wild without any care at all. 

but i tried to explain the nuances of this story to him which he would have zero understanding of at all. it is a bit like racism. you would never understand what a black person felt if you are not black. you do not get the nuanced glances and little shuffles away from you on a daily basis that makes you feel inhuman. and you cant explain the depth of that to someone - it sounds like you’re overreacting and nitpicking when this bothers your soul because you were merely born into the world and others are reacting to you for no reason at all.

so i tried to explain the nuances of being in poverty, having an alternative style and possibly being perceived as not white. which is a weird and unknown factor to my life - i am perceived as not white. i cannot say for certain what i am perceived as - i’ve gotten mixed, spanish and asian. but many times i am perceived as “not white”. i believe as i am getting older and my “alternative” style has become more like an old witchy type lady who just wears black and i am judged even more based on my natural looks that i am in fact coming across as more native american now than since i was a kid. 

it is kind of easy to tell by clothes if someone is experiencing poverty. kind of. sometimes people are still really insecure and want to portray themselves better off because they know its more beneficial to do so. some eople have no choice at all. as a teenager my “altnerative style” itself looked poor. i wore ripped jeans and band tshirts, i had weird colored hair that i cut myself and i probably had gross peircings. maybe i was wearing makeup from the night before. maybe my shoes had holes in them. maybe my jacket did. maybe i wore my leopard print coat. i dont know. i dont even know what i looked like or what i wore - i expressed myself through my style and i was very all over the place. maybe they judged me by this.

and its so easy to “understand” the judgement of “some punk kid” but the nuanced beliefs that follow it are not. punk to many is a criminal. a drug addict. someone who doesnt care. a kid is someone who does understand, that they can control and manipulate. someone in poverty has no choice and other people wont care. they wont care that this is a teenage girl saving her beloved pet, willing to work out payment plans and everthing else to do it. 

he did seem to understand my perspective. i have alot to deal with. this is why its offensive when i have to hear him lament about some other person’s life - who i honestly have no doubt they struggled. i really dont. if i met them independently and they told me of their lives, i bet we would get along (provided they werent a drug addict anymore) because i feel we’d probably empathize with eachother far more than he ever empathized with us. and i have only heard stories from others and every story is terrible - their successes are few and far between and they actively make harmful choices. imagine how they felt life was like for them to come to such conclusions on how they’ll live. to make choices to shoot drugs and fuck with all these people without care - that’s probably a lot of people actively not loving you and/or serious mental illness. 

but when the focus is on that and them and my struggles are taken without the same heaviness or seriousness or acceptance of how this would affect me .. it’s offensive. i do not want to be in competition with anyone for a shitty life. you cannot even be proud of that. it’s just sad. i’m sa for them, i’m sad for me - it’s just sad. but when no seriousness is taken on my life, i find myself trying to defend the belief that my life was not easy. and not just “not easy” like my parents divorced  or i didnt get into the school i wanted. like really seriously not easy, likely equal to the not easiness of this person as well. i just had a completely unique not easy experience to them and perhaps it’s not as wild or entertaining? or i’m not the cute little white blonde girl? 

i explained this to another friend about a doctor. as a teenager a friend and i  went to the doctor to try and find some help for me. we were our usual teenage goth selves and the doctor pretty much laughed and thought we were lesbians (we were not, which i guess kudos to him for accepting our perceived homosexuality but that wasnt part of the issue at hand) 

this is just the very obvious points. the examples you can see where most likely some judgement occurred but the actual bigger picture is what all these nuanced interactions equal out to. if everyday my interaction with someone is clouded by pre-conceived notions of being a drug addict, a criminal, “not white” (which in itself could be leading to the first two but is racist all around anyways) or to the lesser degrees - strange, not “socially acceptable”. but i am none of these things -  am just me. 

and you know, right now i am in a place much like my friend was as a teenager. she struggled with her racial identitiy. she did not want to be seen as “brown”. she carried hatred and resentment towards her culture and did not want to accept it despite being “brown”. so like her, i am very non-accepting of drug addicts because their existence makes mine harder. a drug addict many times lives in poverty. “not white” people are perceived as drug addicts. alternative styles are seen as drug addicts. and drug addicts themselves, many of whom i’ve interacted with, are not nice people. they are not people you want to be around and yes - they are still people. under the heroin and crack, they are still people hurt and struggling. i get it. but they just made the struggle for themselves and me ten times harder. so i have to fight and defend myself that i am not a drug addict which is so hard to prove because they can believe you’re popping pills or your trip to the bathroom took too long and it’s frustrating as hell.

unlike my friend i do not have to accept my identity as a drug addict because i’m not one. i realized that i did in fact choose to take a harder route in the struggles of life because doing drugs is the easy way. and yes, smoking weed is kind of the same but i’ve dealt and cried about life. every experience ive had with other drugs has been very numbing and exaggerated and an altered viewpoint. that is not how i react with weed. i dont know if others react differently and i wouldnt argue if they did. but this is my reaction. i would smoke 2 joints everyday before i took an anti depressant which i have taken and do not have the same very positive effects. 

but when ihave done other drugs and if i chose to continue to do other drugs its a complete escape. 100% non functioning escape. and it’s not like “do a little” mdma and you’re just a little happier all day. PEOPLE ARE STILL AROUND YOUR WEIRD ASS which is affected by this drug in unusual ways like you’re a “little happier” and everyone else is uncomfortable. congrats. i do drugs and i am writhing on the floor like a piece of shit. 

anyways, he told his mother the story about the vet and she essentially pushed it aside and said it seemed unlikely. she is why my life is shit. people ust like her multiplied into the thousands. for all the nuanced judgements and personal experiences - it seemed unlikely. but it did happen. this is my life. you’re telling me my life seems unlikely. this is exactly what happened. a grown man with a government job came in and yelled at them. i know his name. why would that occur? do you not understand WHY I AM CRAZY?

i am constantly looking for validation because of people like her. not everyone is like her. some people with vast life experiences or real open minds take you for your word. anything is possible in life. but many people don’t. and many of those people hold positions of power or authority which may even be as simple as being a teacher or principal. but those people will shape and guide the path your life in society is going to take. when i told people of what was going on - they didn’t believe me, they didnt care; it seemed unlikely. so i’m left questioning the importance, my sanity, my perspective as well as dealing with the actual active problem entirely on my own with absolutely no help or direction what so ever. thank god i was an egotistical cocky angry teenager. my punk ass attitude and anger and genera ignorance got me through things i honest to god probably wouldnt even do now. younger me was ten times harder. i was ready to do anything go anywhere but i didnt because i had guilt and apathy. i didnt have the same apathy as i do now, but there was some. i dont have guilt anymore and looking back had i followed through on my teenage dreams, i mightve been better off. i wanted to move out early. i wanted to move out at like 15 - 16 years old. if my dad had not gotten sick, i wouldve been working at a job where i made 350 - 500$ every week doing shit i was fully 100% capable of doing with no issue what so ever. in a home environment interacting with one other person. i realized i had earned like 4000$ in the 3 -4 months i was working there and had literally nothing because i spent it on weed and vodka and ecstacy. then i lost the job for being so stressed out and smoking so much weed before and during work that i couldnt even do the job anymore. which was like SHIT I DO EVERY DAY ANYWAYS. 

at 17 i spent 3 months living by myself. literally. while working. an taking care of any responsibilities my sick father put on me and this is before hes even in the house. most people cant eve comprehend the idea of me doing this now but this is what i did. what you need to realize is that my mother at the time was also still alive. so for whatever reason she just ... didn’t give a fuck this was happening. she knew. she was fully aware. but not once did she offer anything. she just wanted to know if he was going to be dead or not. 

17 year old me dealt with this by smoking an insanely large amount of weed which i do not think i have even matched to this day because never have i had that much disposable income again. but not only did i smoke weed, i did a shit ton of mdma and k and drank a lot of vodka which was my drink of choice at the time. we stole my dads van, three times, for lke no purpose. it was bad. this was essentially my most punk era of time which i now look back on pretty disappointed with myself because i had the wherewithal to get a job, maintain a job but then be a complete piece of shit teenager. that was my time - had i not given into drugs or alcohol i’d have been WAY different. period. 

by not taking that way out - and i feel like people don’t understan i made a concious decision not to do it anymore but eliminating toxic people in my life and like completely removing myself from these situations. the last time of significance that i did drugs - my friend came from toronto to visit. this is what we did. the routine. she came and we woul get “bored” and decide lets just pool what money we have and get something. so i asked everyone on facebook - at the time i had probably 150+ friends (super unusual for me a really big number) and just asked anyone and everyone. a random kid who went to our school back in the day (we were probably 18 now) said he had some pills. we walked in the dark to meet this kid and he gave us 2 pills for 20$ which is a pretty big rip off but we didnt care. we went back to my place, popped them and got high as fuck. half way through our trip, my bf at the time randomly shows up. which was a big deal; he live 3 hours away and was surprising me. we were very surprised and it was awkward and weird and it wasnt like we could send him away. we had to spend a few hours with him awkwardly before she slept in the other room and i had an uncomfortable time “sleeping” with him. 

i decided then maybe i was getting too old. i spent two years doing drugs and going through his routine and it was wearing on my body already. my teeth and gums were always sore from grinding, my lungs were always sore from smoking so many cigarettes, i was spending all of my money on drugs - there was times when the drugs were clearly mixed with other more disgusting drugs like coke and meth and it would result in way more fucked up reactions like the time i hit myself in the thigh with a baton for 30 minutes before my friend noticed and made me stop. but the repetition and pain were part of the enjoyment for me. all of the times i was on drugs, i was a different person. i was someone i would never actually be. sure, my inhibitions were lower but the filters of how i truly felt and would act are no longer there and thats not a real represenation of my actual true self. these are just deep layers of myself that i may not even want to share or would normally consent to sharing if the drugs didnt affect me. and that bothered me alot. it stil bothers me - my behavior on drugs. people out there have seen me in ways im not proud of. i’m embarassed and i only have myself to blame. 

so thats the easy way. the hard way is living life within your true self and finding enjoyment in things when you can barely find the excitement in yourself. take a drug and do any activity - it’s fantastic. do nothing and it’s great. but fining things your true self wants to take part in -- long time drug addicts know the “boredom”. they never took the journey to find these passions and instead elected for the easy way to have the excitement handed to them.

and honestly? nothing really matches the thrill of mdma. or i guess crack or heron or whatever you do. i have never felt anything like it. every nerve is awake and aware, i am hyper sensitive to all of life and my mind is clear. everything is interesting and awe inspiring. 

but thats not life. you cant carry that into the slums of the ghetto. you cant go outsie and stare blindly at the sun. you cannot do it. this is not life. and its okay to someones experience it. the same way its okay to experience the heat of the sun. you can do it lightly ad responsibly. any other way really harms you.

in the spirit of positivity, here are some things that really get me going:

- playing an entire song with no mistakes on guitar and possibly singing it without fucking up or forgetting the words. super exciting to my life in ways nothing else is. it’s not even like i’m trying to play for other people it’s just a personal knowledge that i can do this and play it and feel it and create it. 

- making good food. not just like cooking food but the satisfaction of the actual creation of making something thats really good or luxurious. 

- being physically close to the person i am in a relationship with. i like the warmth and i was very deprived of physical contact but i dont like it with strangers or friends either so its a rare and nice feeling to lay close with someone. 

- a very fascinating tv show. like one that i have to keep watching because i neeeed to know. thats a unique and interesting feeling of human beings; being really curious. i guess it’s lke reading a book but i dont read much at this stage in my life but i hope ill become hat kind of person and when i do itll probably be exciting to have so much material in a world ive rarely visited. 

- cats. i really love cats. all of the cats. i love visiting people’s cats and i like to become friends with them. cats are great because they feel very individual; no two cats are the same and no matter how much the owner impresses on to the cat, the cat is just a cat and it does what it wants so it’s like getting to make a new friend even if the person you’re visiting isnt that exciting. cats are always great. even the shitty grumpy ones. or the old ones that maybe arent into you. if you spend enough time, eventually they will be and you can be friends and people think you’re a cat whisperer. i have atleast two cat friends i see regularly but i see more cats than that. we’re just not friends yet. 

- a really good song. either with really good rocking bluesy music or clever/well written lyrics. 

[somedaypast-thesunset]

i did not need his negativity yesterday nor did i have the mental strength to not be affected by it. 

he seems to have a rose colored view on his past friends who have lived even more passively than i have while doing hard drugs, drinking and having sex with so many partners that diseases are spread among them. but yet i’m told i’m just a welfare case, that i should just get over it, try harder etc. but there is never ever an admission that perhaps the troubles ive had in life directly relate to the struggles i still have now. 

“well her mother was crazy so she had to leave at 15 and take care of herself”

??? my mother was crazy and my father was sick and i had to take care of myself and him. without giving into the temptation of an easy escape through literal hallucinations. i am better than everyone who did give into the temptation. my will is stronger. sorry. that might bother him because he is a drug user. and he wans to convince me that my weed smoking is comparable to people shooting drugs. and it simply is not in any way. i am a functioning member of society in so much that i do not have a drug den, i do not have needles around, i do not have any long term physial effects of drug use im just a fucking stoner. just like people who HAVE to buy starbucks everyday. theyre just basic bitches. theyre not coffee addicts. and he trappe the conversation - all addicts say this. but i am making a choice and it would be incredibly easy for me to make other choices if i felt they were worth it in my depression. i am ADDICTED to DEPRESSION. i do not control that addiction and it is harmful to people around me and myself.

me smoking a joint is not. me smoking a joint is only beneifical to not only myself but the people around me. i am alive today right now because i smoke weed. THAT is how i am “strong”. 

it didnt matter though. i was already spiraling and wanted to go home but knew i couldnt because it was cold and almost midnight and i didnt even have proper boots and the weight of my entire life and being began crushing me. 

these are panic attacks. these are not attacks which can be seen as the typical display of it but not everyone will hyperventilate into a paper bag. my parents called it an asthma attack because i wasnt breathing right. i wasnt allowed to act out. if i acted out my mother attacked me in such severe ways that i trained myself not to react to anything. but you cant do hthis you cant just be a robot forever your emotions will operate whether you acknowlege them or not.

so it builds. and during the build up which always happens the same way my thoughts are spiraling. if someone latches on to a brief idea of the issues im battling inside, it now solidified the thought and i start to panic. it wasnt being called a drug addict. it was the fact that im constantly put on the bottom of the list for like existing human beings. no one ever goes, ‘well you had to take care of your father’. i dont get that. why? am i not blonde and cute enough? did i not suck enough dick? should i have done drugs and been more pathetic? why is it that everyone else gets a ‘well this and this happened tot hem so is understandable’. for me it’s literally well you cant focus on your past you just gotta move on. it’s not fair, it’s frustrating and when it comes from the only person even giving you any sort of love at that moment in time, it feels trapping. deal with this or have nothing. 

i cannot explain this though. it starts here and by the time i’ve freaked out so hard i cant even communicate the intricacies of these thoughts. i’m now totally overwhelmed and i want to scratch out my eyes and tear out my hair and i’m sobbing so hard i cannot breathe. 

i told him he outright had to help me because he did not listen to my warnings that what he was saying was bothering me. because i told him i didn need that negativity right now and i didn’t nee him focusing on being a  “drug addict” because i dont spend my rent money on shooting drugs. i dontand thats not part of my problem. it’s just a matter of opinion regarding marijuana. period. my opinion differs greatly and i advocate for the VERY PROVEN medical benefits of it. not just “its been shown K helps depression”. so does lsd. so did lsd. so much so that people dosed other people unknowingly to try and “help” them becuase they thought lsd “helped them” and “opened their mind”. but shold you do LSD everyday? no. i really dont think you should. can you ingest something that has minimal effects on a normally healthy person with no pre desposition to mental health issues everday? yes. cancer patients smoke weed because of its legitimate medical benefits. they should not be k-holing. thats not the appropriate way to deal with cancer. nor does it help any of the issues of cancer except moderate pain relief and slight alleviaton of mental pain if you dont put yourself into a k-hole. 

i can smoke 4 grams of weed and not die. i can smoke 4 grams of weed everyday for the next week and have no side effects except not even getting stoned anymore. i wont have to go to the hospital for “exhaustion”. i wont have spent my time at clubs or raves. i probably spent a lot of money on food. i will have no track marks or prolems with my nasal cavity and depending on how i smoke the weed, if i vape it - i may not even have lung problems. and in those days of smoking 4 grams i will STILL DO PRODUCTIVE ACTIVITIES and not just lay around wondering when i’ll get high again. 

so to put me with heroin users is wrong and a surprisingly antiquated view. but i cannot explain all of this and maybe he’ll still disagree but now i’m just in a position where a person who is supposd to love me is telling me im as bad as a heroin addict. i am not and that is not an excuse to not change - i can still change my habits but you have no idea what i wold be for someone like me to do that. he made an “effort” to help but he doesnt have the tools in him to actually help. he told me to think of skating because he wanted to take me skating. 

this morning as i was dropped off he asked if we were going skating. i said i guess and he said no more “i guess” i had to make a solid decision for what iiii wanted to do. and i guess i appreciate that - acknowledging that his personality is not okay for someone like me in the state i am in. i explained to him that our mutual friend came to my place and spoke to the roommate for me and was very like... it was as good as having a medical therapist come and advocate on my behalf. it wasnt like a “you shouldnt do this this is bad” it was “the person you live with suffers from very serious mental issues which affects her daily life and there are reasons as to why she is avoiding confrontation or choosing to live with things that others consider unreasonable” and it was really very good. like not only did i feel like it helped bridge a gap but that someone legitimately felt like they wanted to advocate for me. i didnt ask her to do it. i just explained this is my life and she was like no this is not okay and you need assistance to overcome this hurdle so you can continue on to the next one. i really really appreciate that. no one advocates for me. 

i also made a doctors appt next week and that kind of alleviates some of he pressure i feel about dealing. i know i can now go talk to this person. and if i need to, i have a drive really to see him more often. our mutual friend also came in and casually asked for my razors. and that is something i also appreciate. i made avery large step by freely admitting a relapse. it wasnt like omg cry for help it was this is what occurred. period no discussion because you are not the person trained to deal with such maters of the psyche however as a human being you can acknowledge a crisis and offer assistance to he best of your own abilities. if you have the ability to say ‘hey do you mind if i take your razors with me to get them out of the house’ that is perfectly fine and good and helpful. 

he does not know i relapsed. he has continually said he has no judgement on what i choose to do but does not support it and will only ever advocate for stopping outright. which is totally fair but it compounds the severity. 

hes still trying though? last night he took time to have a moment of private affection and when i tol him about the door knob lock situation he immediately said he would buy one and just let him know. he then said we would “drink sake” tomorrow and added on the skating activity and these things were nice because there is rarely time put aside for just me in the “us”. i follow what he wants to do when he wants to do. i rarely ever ask to go somewhere and when i do i may be able to go but ill have to put up with mock fighting about it. but its not terrible. its not like im dragged to bars or baseball games. he decides we will go hiking and we do. we’ll go to this random thing an hour away and look at i and we do. and i get to exprience sooooo many things i would have never otherwise experienced if i was not with him. and this is why i remain with him. no one else has ever shown me this much of the actual world beyond the bubble i was trapped in. my ex did a decent job but we rarely did anything. like any activities at all. it would be a big deal to take a walk in the woods by our house. 

i’ve gotten to canoe and climb beautiful ontario landscapes. i’ve gotten to eat food from all over the world. ive been given nothing but useful or beautiful and sentimental and meaningful gifts. i have never been given something frivolous ust for the sake of gifts. i’ve been given flowers on more than one occasion. 

it’s really hard to come up with a complaint when i still get to do these wonderful things? like how can i be upset about hiking different parks? i think i’d want to do that anyways. so it’s nice i guess to have it acknowledged this morning that i had the freedom to choose. we did not have to skate and i didnt have to do it because he offered. 

i kind of wanted to though. i think he knew also last night’s dinner with his family friends was just super awkward for me and woul be for literally anyone not related to them. it’s amazing how well they can make someone feel like an outsider while simultaneously telling them they’re “apart of the family”. that wasnt really his fault though. or maybe it s. i dont know. those people sucked and it took forever to eat and i did not even say goodbye to them because literally two sentences were said to me during the night which were, “so you do work in x city or do you commute to another?” and “are you flying out to see him when hes living out west?”  both of which are questions that should never be asked. just period. i mean theyre reasonable questions but to ask them to me results in really awkward answers. like “~ im an artist.” to which she asked, “where” - bitch everywhere. i am a fucking artist of life. and of course its not within my parameters to explain - well you know i’m fucking pretty mentally ill so i’m generally unemployed and collect social assistance hbu. its not like i can outright lie either as the two people who do know my life are sitting there too. and its shitty in some ways that these eople are close tot hem and i am at their house everyday and never once has it been explained that this is in fact his girlfriend, this is what she does and why she is the way she is etc. lie most people would get a “this is ashley, she works at shoppers drug mart and shes a great mom”. but since i have none of this i am nothing to them 

i am also very open about my struggles and where i came from in most situations. this is going to define my interaction with you and you should know that i’m aware of it an am working on it everyday. i am a very self aware empathetic person and i know that becaue of my unusual life i may cause unintentional offense or harm or burden someone in a way that i would not mean to if i understood differently or had a different journey. and everyone has their own journey but it’s a bit like a soldier coming back from war and it’s not on us to judge the severity of harm their journey caused them because we dont know. if theyre so encumbered by the thoughts of death they saw and were apart of it while others are not - we still need to respect the severity ad toll it tok on those individuals. and in no way do they want to be affected by this. theyre not choosing to take it home with them. but it now shapes everything they ever do and being a military person now defines you. it is apart of your definition and character. 

it woul not be appropriate to xplain this to the wasps who think theyre daughter had it rough because she coudnt talk of her prividledge life to stuggling immigrants working to survive while she worked for 2 weeks for extra spending money when she went on her vacation to australia. and it’s ironic of course - i’m now offended by him and i was concerned for offending them; well i was. but then i gave up because i didnt give a shit about them and i didnt think they were actually good members of society. i thought maybe they were “good” fathers or mothers. maybe decent employees. but like a real active good member of society who is bringing a positive vibe to the world? no. i really dont think so. and i have mt people i believe do this. people who i also see really negative traits in as well. theyre not perfect but “good people of society” like working an seeing the whole of society - every part of it as an equal and good thing. maybe theyre bad mothers or fathers though. or maybe not great. i wouldnt say bad. but maybe not great, definitely could be better parents. but they atleast will instill their values, hopefully, into their children who will also be good people of society. i am currently in daily contact with atleast three people who were raised by shitty people of society. people who cared only for heir own exprience and saw everything else as an outside. they now gave that quality to their children. “good mother”. shitty person. 

its up to the people in my support system to advocate for me. honestly.