#she's a scientist at heart so the illogicality of them just drives her crazy

[carewyncromwell]

[Ficlet] Gonna Hit Rewind

Hi guys! So this is a little drabble inspired by a prompt by my friend @drinkyoursoupbitch​, where I show what my MC, Carewyn Cromwell, was up to during a certain scene in the Harry Potter series! 

Before we begin, just a couple of notes --

Post-Hogwarts, Carewyn becomes a lawyer for the Department of Magical Law Enforcement -- you can read more about her life as an adult here, if you’d like! When it comes to the Order of the Phoenix, Carey-Bear doesn’t formally join, instead providing covert assistance while staying autonomous from Dumbledore (who she doesn’t really like as a person) and looking “subservient” to Fudge’s wishes. Later on, this becomes very useful after the Death Eaters take over the Ministry in 1997: when the Battle of Hogwarts begins, Carewyn actually helps take back the Ministry by placing Umbridge under citizen’s arrest and temporarily taking charge until Kingsley Shacklebolt is officially appointed Minister. Carewyn’s outfit in the sketch enclosed below is inspired by this design. Musical accompaniment for this ficlet were “Leave Me Alone” by Michael Jackson (for Carewyn’s conversation with that...certain family member in the aforementioned sketch) and “Turn Back Time” by Derivakat (which inspired the title of this drabble!). And in regards to Carewyn’s negative attitude toward Time Turners...that is 110% my mother talking. When we read Harry Potter and the Cursed Child together, she absolutely hated that it involved time travel, as she found the whole idea ridiculously confusing and illogical. (The whole climax of Prisoner of Azkaban was even her least favorite aspect of the original Potter books. 😂)

Hope you enjoy -- and much love, Soup dear! xoxo

x~x~x~x

“Down here, down here,” panted Mr. Weasley, taking two steps at a time. “The lift doesn’t even come down this far…why they’re doing it there…”

They reached the bottom of the steps and ran along yet another corridor, which bore a great resemblance to that which led to Snape’s dungeon at Hogwarts, with rough stone walls and torches in brackets. The doors they passed here were heavy wooden ones with iron bolts and keyholes.

“Courtroom…Ten…I think…we’re nearly … yes.”

As Arthur Weasley rushed down the hall toward Courtroom Ten, he was unaware that in Courtroom Seven, the door of which was left slightly ajar, Carewyn Cromwell was speaking to her estranged uncle, the new head of the Cromwell Clan, at that very moment, nor that their conversation would ultimately determine Harry’s fate in that courtroom happening just three doors down. 

“You’re not supposed to be here, Blaise, and you know that full well.”

“I merely wished to speak with the Minister, little Winnie -- you are aware of how much our family still supports the Ministry and, by extension, your career, are you not?”

Carewyn fixed Blaise with a very cold blue eye. “And I suppose Lucius Malfoy speaking with the Minister down here mere moments ago had nothing to do with you making an unscheduled visit?”

Blaise cocked his eyebrows, his identically colored and shaped eyes narrowing under them.

“I can sense you trying to enter my mind, Winnie,” he said very softly, his eyes rippling like light blue flames despite the hardness of his face. “It won’t work. You couldn’t reach my thoughts when you were a girl, and you can’t reach them now.”

His voice became cooler, to the point of sounding condescending. 

“Whatever questions you have, you know your uncle would be more than willing to answer them, if you merely ask nicely.”

‘Answer’ -- ha! Carewyn thought to herself scornfully. Lie your face off, more like. But even so...if I’m going to get what I need, I need to keep him talking...

Carewyn went very quiet, considering Blaise carefully and her next words even more so. 

“...Are you or are you not associating with Lucius Malfoy?” she asked softly.

“You might recall that he and Father were business associates back in the day.”

“Of course I do. That’s why I’m asking. Or have you forgotten where Grandfather’s activities sentenced him -- where they sentenced you, until you were able to bribe the Minister to reduce the rest of your family’s sentences?”

“Our family, little Winnie,” Blaise corrected her, a notable, fiery edge to his voice.

You all may be related to me by blood, but you are not my family, Carewyn thought fiercely, but she once again bit her tongue. If she provoked his temper the way she was tempted to, he’d be less likely to talk to her. 

When she didn’t respond, Blaise continued. 

“Lucius Malfoy has always had a working relationship with the Cromwell Clan. It’s only natural that we speak from time to time, as two patriarchs of prominent magical families.”

“Magical families with certain reputations, you mean,” Carewyn said very coolly. 

“Cornelius Fudge thinks very highly of Lucius Malfoy.”

“And of you, thanks to your impressive acting. But that doesn’t extend to everyone else, and you know it.”

“Of course,” said Blaise with a very cool smirk. “That’s something we have in common, isn’t it, Winnie? Putting on a charming face to get what we want, and not caring who hates us for it?”

Carewyn didn’t care enough to argue this point -- she’d already had this sort of discussion with Rakepick several times back in the day, and she knew that it meant Blaise was not only trying to divert the conversation, but also was absolutely full of it. 

You’re acting like this fact makes us just as bad as each other, Blaise, but it doesn’t. Even if we have some similarities in our methods, that does not make us the same. I’ve never terrorized people to try to advance myself. I’ve never manipulated or forced anyone to join a criminal organization. I’ve never masqueraded as my nephew in order to try to manipulate my niece into selling her soul and her freedom just to save him. However much I’m not perfect, I’m head-and-shoulders above you, when it comes to the moral high ground.

But honestly, there was no point in arguing with people like Blaise. It wasn’t like she’d ever convince him that everything he thought was wrong -- that Muggles weren’t inferior, Charles Cromwell was an abusive monster, and everything he and the Cromwell Clan did to try to get Carewyn, Jacob, and Lane back under their control was reprehensible rather than justified -- and she didn’t feel enough passion to try. Especially not when there were more important things happening at that very moment...

Harry would be in the courtroom by now. She had to hurry.

Although Carewyn tried to keep her face stoic, her brain was working very fast. Her eyes drifted away, off toward the far wall of the courtroom where the Wizengamot benches were lined up.

“...Look,” she said slowly, her voice becoming a little softer, “my Legilimency has become very sensitive, in this line of work. It allows me to read people’s intentions and feelings very quickly, even when I’m not actively trying to. And Lucius Malfoy...he doesn’t see you as an equal, but as a pawn.”

Blaise’s eyebrows came down over his eyes, but he didn’t respond.

“You and the rest of the Cromwell Clan only got out of Azkaban because you were able to appeal to Fudge,” said Carewyn, “but if you’re associating with the wrong people, that could very quickly sour. Your position will become uncertain again, and you won’t be able to protect them -- especially if Fudge gets the kind of control over the Wizengamot that he wants...where charges and judgments are laid down based on favoritism more than legality. We’re already seeing it with how Fudge is now treating Dumbledore and Potter, after how much he always sucked up to them. End up outside of Fudge’s good graces, as they did, and the same might befall you. I realize that you and Malfoy...”

Are Muggle-hating bigots.

“...have similar politics,” she said at last very stiffly, “...but Lucius Malfoy’s politics are far more extreme than yours, and although the courts decided there wasn’t enough evidence to prove his methods were also...we both know that’s also true. If he falls, he will drag you down with him -- and if you take the fall for his actions, he won’t lift a finger to help you.”

Carewyn forced herself to look Blaise in the eye. 

“Grandfather’s dealings with R got you all in enough trouble. You bought yourself and the rest of...our family a second chance -- something many others did not get. Are you sure you want to endanger that?”

Blaise considered Carewyn very carefully as she spoke, his blue eyes boring into hers critically. By the end, they’d actually widened.

“...Are you actually expressing concern for us, Winnie?” he asked very lowly. 

Carewyn scoffed. “Don’t misunderstand me, Blaise -- I don’t really think you all deserved a second chance in the first place, after everything you’ve pulled.”

Her blue eyes became a bit more solemn. 

“But truthfully...I’m not that upset that you were released from Azkaban. Dementors...they’re wretched creatures. I’ve seen what they can do to people.”

Her expression darkened.  

“...I wouldn’t wish that on anyone, however terrible they are.”

Something confused and almost disgusted rippled over Blaise’s face, making his nose wrinkle.

“Ugh -- and here I’d thought you’d actually weeded out that weakness in your heart...”

Carewyn’s red lips came together tightly, but she didn’t reply. The two stared each other down for a moment, before Blaise finally exhaled.

“Very well, Winnie -- you want to know why I’m down here?”

He reached into his scarlet robes and pulled out a gold chain, on the end of which dangled a tiny gold hourglass. 

A Time Turner. 

Carewyn’s eyes narrowed upon it. 

“Lucius Malfoy has expressed quite a bit of interest in my old department, when we’ve spoken,” murmured Blaise. “One sub-section in particular -- one where records of magical predictions are kept.”

Carewyn’s eyebrows furrowed. “Prophecies?”

“They are truly a fascinating thing,” said Blaise, his voice sounding rather airy. “So much value is placed on them -- too much, one could argue...just as one puts too much value on all attempts at ‘future sight.’ Alas, the section of my old department that Malfoy was interested in was not my area of expertise -- my area was in the study of Time, specifically backwards-facing. We did occasionally dip into the study of forward-facing time magic, but more in the sphere of inevitabilities -- things that evolve naturally in nature, every season -- not human affairs. Unfortunately when I was there, there was an employee monitoring the perimeter of the section I meant to enter -- I couldn’t have explored further even if I’d wanted to.”

“So Malfoy wanted you to stop by your old desk and pick up something that might help him or someone else enter the Department of Mysteries?” Carewyn asked. “Why?”

Blaise shrugged. “He didn’t say.”

“And yet you have a suspicion as to why?”

Blaise’s eyes narrowed upon Carewyn’s face, not angrily, but almost darkly. 

“I may no longer work for the Department of Mysteries, Winnie, but I cannot discuss the more classified branches of their work too deeply. That is part of the Vow I made when I first joined the Department -- it forces me to speak in hypotheticals and vague descriptions more than specific details. But I fear no random stooge using this tool to try to enter my old department, whether Malfoy or otherwise. In fact,” he added with a smirk, “I would frankly love to see them try.”

He ignored Carewyn’s critical, confused expression and pressed on more seriously. 

“You’re not a stupid girl, Winnie. I know you know what’s really going on, under the surface. Me offering assistance to Lucius Malfoy early on is merely how I intend to earn enough favor to keep my family safe, should the worst happen.”

“And what is that?” asked Carewyn.

Blaise cocked his eyebrows again. “Ask your mother. She remembers the First Wizarding War just as well as I do -- how it all started before.”

He turned on his heel and headed for the door.

“Blaise.”

Carewyn speaking his name and sharply grabbing his arm holding the Time Turner made him stop. 

“If you wish to provide Lucius Malfoy useful information,” she said lowly, “you can tell him that that employee was not there by accident.”

Blaise looked back over his shoulder, startled. Carewyn closed her eyes tight, trying to block out the intense nausea rippling over her. 

“He’s there to make sure Malfoy’s superior can’t reach what he wants,” she murmured. “There are many more, just like him, all with the same goal. It doesn’t matter when you go there -- there will always be someone there who will keep him away from what he wants.”

Blaise stared at Carewyn, his eyes narrowing in bewilderment. 

“...Why are you telling me this?” he whispered. 

Carewyn swallowed back the lump in her throat. 

“I haven’t worked with time magic like you have...but people aren’t supposed to be in two places at once. That I do know. A lot of problems have been caused by people trying to mess with time. Mum told me that once in the 19th century, a whole bunch of people’s lives were erased out of existence, all because someone messed around with a Time Turner...”

“Ah, yes, Eloise Mintumble,” said Blaise, sounding as darkly amused as a bully might upon seeing one of their usual targets wearing a particularly obnoxious dress. “Tried to go back more than a few hours and ended up changing things so dramatically that she both erased 25 people out of existence and aged her body five centuries and died upon return trip. A rather fascinating case study.”

“You’re disgusting,” Carewyn said coldly. But she got back to the task at hand, her voice hardening. “Even if Malfoy couldn’t get what his master wants from the Department of Mysteries with that Time Turner, he could still do irreparable damage with it. If all Malfoy needs is assistance, to believe that you’re helping him and for you to earn enough esteem that the Cromwell Clan stays safe...then give him the intelligence I’ve given you. Don’t give him that Time Turner.”

Blaise raised an eyebrow, his lips spreading into a rather condescending smirk. “Why? Because it’s wrong, little Winnie? Because it’s illegal and immoral, and ‘not the right thing to do?’”

“I’m not foolish enough to appeal to you with morality, Blaise -- I know you don’t have any,” spat Carewyn. “I’m asking you not to do it for your own self-preservation. For the Clan’s. ...For your family’s.”

Blaise’s smirk actually slid off his face. Carewyn held his gaze as best as she could, even with how ill she felt. 

“I may not be one of those who takes turns standing watch in your old department,” Carewyn said very softly, “but Jacob is.”

Blaise’s face went rather white, and Carewyn knew she’d struck a cord. For as cruel, selfish, and immoral of a person as Blaise was, he still saw his family -- all of it -- like his personal belongings. And he “took care” of his belongings. He wanted complete control over them and, like Charles before him, he never respected them as people, nurtured them, or gave them any freedom...but Blaise didn’t want anyone touching “his things.”

The older man’s jaw clenched as a rather dark glint flashed through his eyes.

“...I see.”

His teeth still bared, he extended the hand holding the Time Turner’s gold chain and, very slowly, lowered it into Carewyn’s hand. 

Carewyn’s eyes softened in relief.

“Thank you.”

Blaise exhaled heatedly through his nose.

“Jacob always was a fool,” he growled, his voice full of resentment. “Risking his life for people like that Muggle filth who abandoned you and your mother -- ”

“Better than selling his soul and freedom to serve the person who locked my mother and all of you up like prisoners,” Carewyn shot back rather coolly.

Blaise’s eyes flashed angrily. “You will not speak ill of your grandfather, Winnie! Everything he ever did in his life was for us, including you, your brother, and your mother, and I will not have you forgetting that!”

“Crow that lie as much as you want -- it won’t ever make it true.”

Blaise seethed as Carewyn pocketed the Time Turner in her robes. Slowly, his temper cooled enough that his lips spread back out into a rather vindictive smirk.

“For the record, Winnie...Time moves in a loop. If Lucius Malfoy were to use the Time Turner after I give it to him a half-hour from now, the effects would’ve already been felt by us by now. We would have heard about someone having broken into the Department of Mysteries before our conversation even started. The fact that we are not hearing that means that he never receives the Time Turner from me. So, in fact, it was already clear that I would give you the Time Turner before I actually did -- ”

“Oh, shut your trap,” Carewyn said tiredly. Just listening to Blaise wax on was giving her a headache. “I don’t even want to try unpacking all that time travel rubbish. All I care about is that Malfoy and his ilk can’t try to mess with time, now or ever.”

She turned on her heel and strode for the slightly ajar door. Pushing it further open, she then looked back over her shoulder at Blaise. 

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some business to take care of. Stay out of trouble, or I will not hesitate to prosecute you.”

Blaise’s eyes were very cold even around his smirk. “If there’s anyone who should be warned to stay out of trouble, it’s you, Winnie. I’m not the only one who’s aligned themselves with people who could drag them down, if they fall.”

“Perhaps,” said Carewyn mildly. “But my friends will catch me if I fall, just as they have before. Just like I always catch them. That makes all the difference.”

She walked away, her heels clapping against the black tiled floor as she strode to the end of the hall, listening at the door of Courtroom Ten. She could hear several voices talking inside -- after a moment, she recognized two as Amelia Bones and Cornelius Fudge. 

“...certainly described the effects of a dementor attack very accurately. And I can’t imagine why she would say they were there if they weren’t -- ”

“But dementors wandering into a Muggle suburb and just happening to come across a wizard! The odds on that must be very, very long, even Bagman wouldn’t have bet -- ”

“Oh, I don’t think any of us believe the dementors were there by coincidence,” said a very misty, serene voice from inside the Courtroom.

Carewyn’s shoulders relaxed, even as her eyes rolled up toward the ceiling.

Dumbledore. He’d made it in time. 

Exhaling heavily, Carewyn quickly turned back around and walked briskly back down the hallway, back upstairs toward her office. On the way, she walked by Blaise, who was now deep in quiet conversation with Lucius Malfoy, and Carewyn and Malfoy coldly stared each other down as she passed.

x~x~x~x

Carewyn hated keeping the Time Turner in her desk. She wanted to be rid of the thing immediately, but she knew she had to be patient. 

Around 11:00, just before lunchtime, Carewyn asked to borrow a Dungbomb from Tonks and covertly dropped off it just outside the Auror Department on her way back to her tiny office. The resulting smell resulted in the entire floor clearing out, until someone could deal with the smell. Carewyn herself, however, stayed in her office and powered through, spraying some Muggle air freshener to try to mask the smell. 

I forgot how much I hate Dungbombs, Carewyn thought dully. Oh well...desperate times call for desperate measures, I guess.

Keeping the files on a case she was working on open on either side of her, Carewyn read through them every-so-often as she pecked away at a letter she had to write. This letter had to be concise and to the point, if its recipient was going to know it was safe and exactly what she had to do, to help keep Harry Potter from getting unjustly expelled. 

Right on time, three hours after Harry’s hearing, Carewyn’s Legilimency picked up the feeling that someone was approaching her office. A moment later, there was a knock on her door. 

The ginger-haired lawyer exhaled heavily, her eyebrows knitting together. 

“Come in,” she said. 

Although she kept her voice level, she already felt a headache coming on. She knew who was on the other side of that door -- and sure enough, when it opened, in came tall, silver-bearded Albus Dumbledore, dressed in long midnight-blue robes. 

Carewyn’s eyes hardened as the Hogwarts Headmaster closed the door behind him.

“Hello, Carewyn,” Dumbledore said pleasantly. 

“You got my message from Tonks, then?” Carewyn asked. 

“To come straight to your office as soon as I arrived, but to not let anyone see me entering? Yes. Though I daresay the evacuation of this floor thanks to the smell of Dungbombs helped with that considerably,” said Dumbledore, and his light blue eyes twinkled. “I presume it has something to do with why some members of the Wizengamot were asking what I was doing back here so soon, and why Cornelius looked even more sour at my presence than usual.”

Carewyn’s face was twisted in a deep frown as she finally took the Time Turner out of the drawer and put it on top of her desk. 

“The time and place of Harry’s hearing was changed three hours ago, with no notice,” she said stridently. “The hearing originally scheduled for 11 o’clock instead was moved to 8 o’clock at 7:58 this morning. The letter was sent by owl to Privet Drive at 7:59, right before a second letter informing Harry that because he didn’t show up for his hearing, he was presumed guilty and therefore expelled from Hogwarts. Both letters arrived at 8:52. The Order wasn’t informed of the change until a little after 9, but was also informed by Arthur Weasley that you’d had the matter well in hand and had arrived miraculously early.”

“And so they felt no need to send me any post regarding the matter,” presumed Dumbledore with a dewy smile. “But in order for all of that to have happened, I will have to go back and ensure it does happen -- isn’t that so?”

Carewyn nodded curtly as she handed the Time Turner and a sealed envelope to Dumbledore. 

“Three turns back should be enough -- you don’t want to risk changing too much, by arriving too early, and I have a closed-door meeting with Chester Davies prior to that. Give this letter to me as soon as you arrive in the past. As soon as she...escorts you out, head straight for Courtroom Ten. You should arrive just after Harry does -- it shouldn’t raise as much suspicion if you make it to the courtroom after Harry, since he was already in Arthur’s office when he first received word of the change...”

Dumbledore's eyes twinkled with some mischief. “Clever as always, Carewyn, my dear. You do the Order very proud.”

Carewyn’s eyes flashed. “I’m not doing this for you or your ‘Order,’ Dumbledore, as you know full well. Jacob was completely at R’s mercy after he was expelled from Hogwarts, and I don’t want to even think about where Potter might end up, if the same thing happened to him. And if Jacob’s guarding something in the Department of Mysteries, I don’t want to make it any easier for You-Know-Who and his goons to get the drop on him.”

Dumbledore’s calm didn’t shift, though his eyes did turn a bit more solemn. “And as always, Carewyn, your cleverness is only rivaled by your caring for others.” 

Rising to his feet, the Headmaster tucked the envelope inside his robes and then picked up the Time Turner. 

“I’ll be seeing you,” he said cheerily, “or, should I say, ‘I will have seen you?’”

And with three turns, he’d disappeared.

Carewyn gave an exhausted, groan-like sigh.

“I hate Time Turners,” she muttered to herself.

x~x~x~x

When Dumbledore appeared in Carewyn’s office out of the blue at 8 o’clock that morning, the ginger-haired lawyer reacted with a lot of irritation and suspicion. Those feelings weren’t helped when Dumbledore handed her the letter addressed to her, and yet written in a hand identical to hers.

Carewyn,

First of all, yes, I know you recognize this handwriting. This isn’t a trick -- it’s just the work of a Time Turner: specifically the one Dumbledore’s holding. On that note, ask him to hand it over and then smash it. We have more than enough problems in the here and now: no sense in adding more time travel rubbish to the pile. 

Now that that’s been taken care of, let’s get to business --

The time and place of Harry’s hearing was moved just a minute ago. It now starts at 8 o’clock in the morning in Courtroom Ten. Don’t worry, Arthur’s already been notified and is ferrying Harry as we speak, but Dumbledore needs to get down there right now. Kick him out of your office, nice and loudly -- there are people outside who could overhear, and you don’t want anyone to think you and Dumbledore are on good terms. Which, fortunately, you’re not. 

Now that Dumbledore’s out of your hair, let’s go over what you need to do -- 

Blaise has sneaked into the Ministry, specifically the bottommost floor near the Department of Mysteries, on Lucius Malfoy’s direction. No, Blaise isn’t a Death Eater -- just short-sighted and self-serving as ever. The point is that he has a Time Turner on his person, which he cannot be allowed to walk away with, under any circumstances. You’ll be able to catch him leaving the Department of Mysteries if you go downstairs in the next fifteen minutes. He’ll be meeting Lucius Malfoy around 8:30, in the middle of Harry’s hearing, so don’t let him walk away without getting that Time Turner away from him. Don’t come at the issue straight-on, though -- you can appeal to Blaise to give it to you willingly. Just keep him talking. Once you have the Time Turner, you can hold onto it until Dumbledore arrives in your office at the time that was originally scheduled for Harry’s hearing, so he can use it to go back far enough to arrive at Harry’s hearing on time. 

I know, this Time Travel stuff is absolutely bloody ridiculous. But at least this way Malfoy won’t be able to use the Time Turner Blaise stole to cause even more havoc. 

Burn this letter as soon as you’re done reading it. We don’t want anyone coming across it. 

Good luck. 

As for Dumbledore himself, he arrived at Harry’s hearing right on time, all according to plan. 

“Ah,” said Fudge, who looked thoroughly disconcerted. “Dumbledore. Yes. You --er -- got our -- er -- message that the time and -- er -- place of the hearing had been changed, then?”

“I must have missed it,” said Dumbledore cheerfully. “However, due to a lucky mistake I arrived at the Ministry three hours early, so no harm done.”

[cherry-valentine]

Summer 2020 Anime Season

What I’m Watching:

Deca Dence is one of the better shows this season, probably the best one that started fresh this summer. It has a very strange setup that I won’t detail very much here to avoid spoilers. It’s strange in that it’s a fairly unique twist and in that they waited until episode two to actually drop that particular bomb (whereas most anime would definitely try to cram it into episode one). The bare bones premise of episode one is that there is a huge, mobile fortress that contains some of the last remnants of humanity as they try to survive in an apocalyptic world overrun by monsters of unknown origin that range in size from tiny insects to huge kaiju. A young girl named Natsume dreams of being one of the warriors who fight the monsters, but is instead given the lowly job of armor maintenence, where she meets the older, gruff Kaburagi whom she learns was once a famed warrior. Natsume’s relationship with Kaburagi sets off the actual plot, but the story takes several turns that I honestly didn’t see coming. The series is quite violent, with literally tons of monster blood flowing and plenty of human death, but it maintains an overall upbeat, adventurous feel, with some well-done humor and genuinely touching moments. The art is colorful and bright, with some truly impressive animation. It clearly has high production values. Natsume is a fun character (even if we’ve seen characters like her many times before). She’s your typical optimistic, never-give-up, spunky sort of girl but she works really well as a hero in this kind of story and is generally entertaining to watch. Kaburagi is also a fun character that we’ve seen the likes of before (the stern former soldier type with a heart of gold). Overall a great series and very high on my watch list.

Gibiate is an oddity. It’s a series that had the potential to be top tier. I mean this show could have been not only the best of the season, but possibly the best of the year. It has gorgeous character designs by Yoshitaka Amano. The voice acting is top notch. And the premise is awesome: In 1600, a samurai and a ninja are both suddenly transported to a modern, near future Japan that has been completely ravaged by a disease that turns humans into powerful, grotesque monsters. They fall in with a small group of survivors that have gathered around a couple of scientists and a doctor who are working on a cure. Sure, it’s not 100% original, but it’s an exciting premise that results in some great samurai and ninja action. The problem is, for all the show’s great ideas, the execution is totally flubbed. For starters, the animation budget is obviously quite a lot smaller than it needed to be. What should have been thrilling battles of katana and shuriken on monster violence end up just being sort of bland. Too many cut corners. The writing also suffers, with often nonsensical dialogue and character behaviors that are so illogical that they end up being unintentionally hilarious. A good example of this is how practically everyone in the group of survivors just takes the fact that these two guys are time travelers from the past totally in stride. Hardly anyone is surprised at all or even questions it. The show tries to dismiss the stupidity of this by having one character say, “Well we have these monsters running around so why not have people traveling here from the past?” Which is still dumb because he’s a doctor who has been studying the virus and knows how it works, scientifically. But he has no questions for the guys who show up out of nowhere claiming to be from 1600? Another example would be how the samurai and ninja react to modern technology. Basically, there’s very little reaction. They don’t even react to a freaking helicopter! They should be losing their minds over this stuff! Still though, despite the show’s many shortcomings, there remains a small nugget of greatness. I can almost imagine how fantastic this show would have been with decent production values. And because I can see that potential, I’m still watching and I’m actually enjoying it very much. The characters, poorly written as they are, somehow remain interesting. The visuals, despite being sabotaged by clunky animation, are still appealing. I know it’s strange to watch and enjoy a series because of what it COULD have been, rather than what it IS, but here we are. Surprisingly high on my watch list.

Koi to Producer is an otome series with very pretty art and a supernatural plot. It’s based on a Chinese phone game that I’ve never played but sounds a lot like Mystic Messenger in how the game is played. It follows a young woman trying to produce a television show about various rumors, urban legends, etc. who gets mixed up in the world of Evolvers (humans who have developed special powers). Of course four of these Evolvers are handsome single men who are very successful and clearly attracted to her. She also ends up becoming a target of Black Swan, a shady group studying Evolvers. The show is somewhat plot-heavy, in that it tends to focus a bit more on the overarching story than on the romance. This is fine by me. The men are handsome, but two of them look a little too similar to each other, making it hard to tell them apart when they’re both in the same scene. It’s nice that the heroine is an adult and a big part of the story is about her career, but other than that she’s a bit bland and could be switched out for any other bland otome heroine and no one would notice. So far the series has hinted at an interesting back story for her so I’ll just have to hope it follows through on that. I’m enjoying the show because it’s pleasant to look at and not boring, but it’s the lowest title on my watch list.

Appare Ranman is my overall favorite of the season, which is ironic because it actually began last season. It was put on hiatus due to the pandemic and resumed this season. If you remember the old cartoon Wacky Races, this is basically the anime version of that. It focuses largely on two Japanese men who end up stuck in California after some crazy hijinks: Appare, an aloof and eccentric mechanical genius, and Kosame, a straight-laced but genuinely kind samurai who had been given the thankless job of keeping Appare in line. Broke and lost in an unfamiliar land, the two of them decide to enter a cross-country race and use the prize money to get back to Japan. Along the way they meet a whole cast of wild, crazy, and fun characters (including my favorite, the lovely, badass, and determined Jing Xialian, the only woman in the race, who had to fight against sexism and discrimination just to get the opportunity to drive in the race). The series has a very fun vibe, but has enough serious moments to keep it from being a straight up comedy (the aforementioned discrimination felt very realistic, and at least two characters are still suffering emotional trauma from losing family members to violence when they were children). One of my favorite aspects is Appare himself. He pays absolutely no mind to social norms and doesn’t care in the slightest what anyone thinks of him. This resulted in his family back in Japan being ashamed of him and everyone else viewing him as a weirdo. But Appare doesn’t mind any of that, and happily pursues his dreams. An interesting scene early on is when Jing is grappling with the fact that she’ll never be accepted as a racer because she’s a woman. She’s clearly in emotional turmoil. Kosame, who is the kinder, more compassionate of the two leads, can’t really help her. He can sympathize with her plight, but his own rigid regard for social norms prevents him from telling Jing to just go ahead and be a racer, society and their expectations be damned. It’s Appare, the guy who seemingly has very little regard for, or interest in, other people, who encourages Jing to follow her dreams. To Appare, there’s absolutely no reason why Jing can’t be a racer. The fact that society refuses to accept her means nothing. Jing has the skill to be a racer. She should be a racer. The scene did a lot to endear Appare to me. Aside from great characters (and there are so many that I can’t possibly mention them all here), the animation and design work are amazing. The characters as well as the vehicles look fantastic. The music is also great, with my favorite opening and ending themes of the season. If you want totally fun and wild romp, you can’t go wrong with this series.

Carry Over Shows From Previous Seasons: Black Clover Ahiru no Sora Major 2nd Season 2

Best of Season: Best New Show: Appare Ranman Best Opening Theme: Appare Ranman Best Ending Theme: Appare Ranman Best New Male Character: Appare (Appare Ranman) Best New Female Character: Jing Xialian (Appare Ranman)

[theroadfromustome]

Mile 62

Well, this last mile has been a full one. Which is another way of saying that yet again, I’ve neglected posting for too long (a month maybe?). It feel like the weather has gotten warmer and everything has amped up. Buckle in, bc this is going to be a big spew, a catharsis of lots of things I don’t feel like I can say to anyone else; though of course I have been yakking to everyone about some of this.

First, the ugly: Going another round with H’s mother. I’ve realized how much of my years with H were spent managing her extremely fragile emotions. It’s exhausting. This time she outright told me that I didn’t respect her--of course if she respected me then she wouldn’t jump to the worst conclusion about my motives for my actions regarding MY child. It just infuriates me so much--and she totally defies all reason and logic and manages to make me feel like an inconsiderate, irresponsible jerk for not being omniscient or ordaining the universe. Another realization: she has always and will always treat me like an incompetent child and I am fucking DONE with it! I need her to move away. Not that it will end this shit, but it will hopefully make it less frequent and less potent. I now understand why my [current] sisters in law keep her at arm’s length. 

Also, regarding H: he’s so guarded everytime he’s around me. He’s like a big black cloud of tension and I feel like he brings shadows whenever I have to see him even briefly. What a reversal. Can it only be three months since I moved out? Poor thing, I gather he’s going through a rough patch right now, and possibly at slight odds with his dear mama as well. I do wish he would answer my legitimate inquiries about schedule though. I wish we had a better flow of comm, but he acts like I have a disease that will be communicated through the keyboard. So far things are passing between me and my mom and him. Which I know is not the adult way but like...if you won’t talk to me like a calm adult? He and his mom seem to be casting me as the enemy--but even combatants have parleys under a flag of truce. We have to resolve this sometime, but I’m perfectly willing to avoid it until he heals a bit more and is less dangerous to my peace of mind.

Ugh, just writing that out made me tense. On to the good!

The good: I’ve lost 17 lbs since January when I started this diet with my mom. I feel great this week too, bc I’m able to be more active with this nice weather. I also feel more productive at work, so all things are good. This all may be due to the next big event in my life detailed below momentarily; but I will say this: as the earth comes out of ice and is reborn to spring, so I feel reborn. This past week I have danced, grinned, sung, reconnected with musical theatre, etc. (and before that wrote!) in a way I haven’t in months. Some of this is due to this event--but I realize that before I get there I need to fill in one other item...

I went to visit an old friend from college, whom we will call S. This friend has been crazy about me since probably our second week of freshman astronomy, and it’s one of those where I’ve tried to make it work before and it just...won’t. This friend has stuck by me through all of this shit, and knows all of my flaws more intimately than almost anyone. He’s a complete vessel--a listener who won’t judge and who cherishes me no matter what. Which I know I take advantage of. Other than my mother, he’s the most unconditional relationship I have. If only he had his shit together and wasn’t illogically conservative. (We do NOT talk politics.) Also a bit sexist and racist--not that he’d ever act on them. For the sake of this bond we have I choose to ignore/avoid all that, but this is one of the reasons we just can’t make a relationship. But that doesn’t mean my visit was strictly platonic. I flatter myself that I contributed to his well-being in significant ways, but I definitely selfishly reveled in the experience of being cherished, and of the fierce, wonderful trust we share. I could cry just thinking about it--I can be so honest with him, about my ups and downs. And best of all: we are equals. Peers, partners, equals!!! I have never had that with a man. No matter the relationship. I find it sublime and somewhat irresistible. Even though I know it’s so unfair to him; bc we both know it can’t last forever. Anyway, that whole things has been good for me. Probably also bad in other ways. But it has reawakened a part of myself I thought gone forever, and that part is stronger than I ever remember it being. Trust and complete comfort are heady heady things. 

So from that we proceed to...drum roll...

I actually went on a date Saturday night. This is what I’ve been driving all my friends crazy about, and I hate myself for being such a spaz. They’re all darlings, but really, I need to get over myself. Which is why I’m going to try to exercise as much as possible here. 

So yeah, one of my coworkers has a brother. A brother who it turns out--came to visit our workplace months ago and was checking me out. Who then asked *repeatedly* to be introduced to me. Who, after I met him last month friended me on fb and then messaged me out of the blue about 2 weeks ago. Now, this man is brilliant (he’s a scientist--sexy and ridiculously intimidating at the same time), sophisticated, independent adult with a well-paying full time job and actual talent; he’s so freaking charming and good-hearted, he’s witty and considerate and he swing dances (swoon--if I dance with him my ovaries may never recover); not to mention my coworker is thrilled at the prospect. He’s also 5 years older than I am--I wasn’t exactly looking for age gap, but... Anyway, I’m still getting my brain to process the fact that he actually wants to spend time with me. Because his whole family is immortal--brilliantly talented, beautiful etc. And then there's me mere mortal with my messy-ass family. And all my baggage. And the fact that I’m trying desperately to crawl out of diapers and grow into a legit adult. I’m gonna throw some thoughts out below in no order or reason:

So the age gap: I was hoping to avoid it. After the good experiences of equality with S, who is only months older than I, I am wary of falling into the naive child role again. I am determined to be am equal adult, and yet already I feel myself pulled to alter my behavior--I can be so silly with S, and I feel like Charming here would think me immature--when around this guy. Also, he’s into scifi and have only moderate xp there, also he hikes and camps--the idea of hiking with him actually sounds utterly lovely (talk about day-dreaming), camping... But I mean I’m willing to try--I’m just so wary of losing myself again. Of putting his needs above mine and doing whatever I can to keep him from rejecting/punishing me. It’s so frustrating yet again how easily my bad habits kick in like clockwork. 

Speaking of my neurosis: I am WAY too invested in this. Super fixated. Some might say I’m obsessing. Which I suppose has always been my way with boys. But you’d hope I’d behave differently at 31 than I did when I was 12, 14, 15. So first I was mooning and daydreaming about him while grinning like a complete dope and humming songs (like, full out cliche) Sunday and Monday, and then I was stupid and was overtly flirty (like dude back off AB, you had *one* date) on Monday evening and he just--wham--dropped communications. I’ve heard nothing from him since, and I’m using all powers of mind control I possess and prayer (sorry God) to will him to just message me for like 5 minutes so I know he still likes me, that I didn’t freak him out by behaving like a silly girl. I so want to do this like an adult, but apparently I am incapable. If this doesn’t happen, like fi we don’t work out, then fine. But I’ll be crushed if it’s bc of my inherent flaw of childishness. And what if it is inherent? What if I cannot actually function in an adult relationship?

That’s another thing--I am so putting the cart before the horse. Like we met, we chatted twice, and then we spend 5 hours eating Thai food and walking all over his neighborhood. He should not be and *is* not the center of my universe. I’d like to think I wouldn’t be behaving this stupidly if he hadn’t kissed me. I’d like to think I could be cool and removed and totally ok with the fact that he seems to be compartmentalizing the amount of time he spends with me (his job is hell, apparently; another red flag, but he’s so charming....) if he hadn’t kissed me. So I wasn’t sure how to gauge it--were we just two adults enjoying each other’s company? I know he thinks I am cute--but physical attraction doesn’t mean he actually likes me. I mean, I think he was flirting with me--the body language was promising, I’m fairly certain he was nervous at the beginning (but it’s a date who wouldn’t be?), and he like, touched me arm and such you know the way you do when you’re just broaching physical contact. And then when I left I went to hug him and...it was not a platonic hug. It was brief but...there was...heat...a tiny little simmer. And then, there was a second hug, and he briefly, subtly, turned into my neck and placed a quick little kiss there. It was chaste as hell, a bit uncertain I think, but it changed everything. I mean I dunno maybe it was just quarter to midnight and goodwill talking. Maybe he’s just affectionate and that was his way of saying “Thanks for a good time.” Maybe it all goes back to the sex and it’s purely physical? I just--I have such a hard time thinking he actually sees anything in me bc I’m so--uninteresting--I’m not ambitious or successful, I’m insecure as fuck, I have plenty o’ baggage, I’m not cosmopolitan or well-read or witty. All I have is the loyalty and affection of a--child. I gather it’s been some time since he’s been taken care of, and of course that appeals to me, taking care of him, but maybe he likes being self-sufficient? He certainly is. And again!!!! It’s too soon for me to be thinking this way. But I just do this. What is my problem??? I keep thinking once he gets to know me he’s going to bail. And at this point that would hurt more bc it would mean my weaknesses had caused me to fail again than bc I’m madly in love with him, but still. The more I invest the worse it will be when this whole thing crashes. But I can’t not give it a try--even if I see eminent disaster on the other side. I keep hoping my instincts will be proven false.

On a lighter note: I am ridiculously physically attracted to him. Like--keep daydreaming about kissing him...and other things...

I just--why am I so fixated on this? Why is he the only thing I can think about? I have a life! I can’t just be marking time until I see him again. GET A GRIP, AB! I keep singing “He is not thinking of me” to myself. Bc I guarantee he is going about his business as usual--like a fucking adult--and taking Saturday night for what it was: a pleasant evening. 

Nonsequitur: If he doesn’t message me in the next few days I may implode.

Also, I just wish for some clarity. It’s like dating Jane Bennett. No clue if he’s just being nice or....?

Why is my professional performance so tied to whether or no a man is interested in me? What the hell is that about?!!!

I will say this--it’s nice to feel romance again. I feel like me again. The bitter gone-by feeling I had at my cousin’s wedding is banished, replaced by all the hope and cheer of spring and things beginning. Also, showtunes again! Singing again! I could go into “Bewitched, bothered and bewildered” but that song is too cynical. Instead, I’ll end with the line that was running through my head all day Monday:

“I don’t know why I can’t think of anything I would rather do than be wasting my time on mountains with you.”

And now, off to church!

[morrisbrokaw]

My Favorite Books and Podcasts for Making (and Keeping) Better Relationships

It may or may not be true that one of my go-to wedding gifts—before I may or may not have heard the gasps and witnessed the expressions of horror by newlyweds upon unwrapping—was the book “What Predicts Divorce.” I mean, hey: If you’re going to be in a successful, until-death-do-us-you-know-what type of relationship, you should want to know the science of divorce, amiright? In my defense, I’m pretty sure I am right about the (unscientific) fact that 80% of the time it’s more important to know what you should not do than what you should do in a situation if you hope to survive. Example? Is that a tasty chanterelle mushroom growing there… or perhaps a Deadly Dapperling? Literally, deadly—hence its name. And, to be fair (more to my defense?): With the divorce book I’d also include a hefty gift card or cash tucked behind front cover with a witty (I thought) set of instructions, something about heading to their favorite café or bar for a cliché date-night to be executed expertly with a ritual of reading about/discussing divorce—so you don’t end up as one. Good luck.

Okay, to be honest: I didn’t actually write “good luck.” Too snarky. But mostly because relationships aren’t luck. They’re work. And as a social scientist who studies these human systems we call marriage, family and friendship, I’m of the mind that we mindfully should arm ourselves with some mind-rich knowledge about how to both make our relationships—all of them, no matter if they’re of the chosen or biological variety—awesome. Okay, at least good. But, hopefully awesomely awesome! One thing we researchers know for sure: relationships are a little bit art and a little bit science. And yes, for sure, you can increase your chances of success by knowing more your own contributions to and choices in them (aka, did the way I just roll my eyes move us a notch closer to divorce, or did it serve as a humor-moment and thus worked in our favor?). To help you with all of that and more, I’ve picked my favorite books and podcasts for making and keeping better relationships. It should be noted: Some have been on my list for a long time, my go-to relationship 911 classics (and now my chosen wedding or engagement gifts). Some are newer to my favorites list because either they’re just newer in publication date and/or (yay) they finally came across my radar—usually thanks to a geeky friend/therapist and/or fellow relationship researcher.

BOOKS

So, if you want better, wiser, and/or more delightful relationships of many varieties, you’re wise to keep these five titles by your bedside:

What Shamu Taught me about Life, Love, Marriage by Amy Sutherland.

Trust me, it’ll change not only your current marriage and/or future marriage, but every encounter with every other human being in every context—as in forever more. ABSOLUTELY. FREAKIN’. BRILLIANT! And practical. And so obviously simple that it’s a once-in-a-lifetime kind of eye-opener about our own and others’ behavior. It’s also one you can read in a couple of hours, although if you’re like me you’ll re-read chapters every few months so refine your thinking and techniques. (Oh, and please don’t tell my kids or husband about the book; I’ve been secretly shamuing them and want to continue the experiment for another year or so before giving each of them a copy in their holiday stocking.)

The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships by John Gottman and Joan DeClaire. Any book by the relationship guru John Gottman is a book you’ll want to read. As I’ve written/said/shouted/preached before and will again now: his longitudinal research on marriage is the gold standard. He and his research team can predict divorce with over 90% accuracy based on just a few key communication behaviors. In this book, he’s applied those observations—in practical, smart, easy-to-apply lessons—to help all of your relationships. It’s one of my all-time favorites. Never loan your copy to someone; you won’t get it back.

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman. See above comments about Gottman and his landmark work and relationship brilliance. Copy/paste here. Then buy a case of these books and gift to everyone you know—keeping one for yourself and one for your spouse/future spouse/significant other… and maybe a spare in your purse for those my-head-is-about-to-explode-because-he-forgot-to-_____-again moments. You won’t find more credible advice about how to shift, often just slightly, your tone of voice, word choices, or even facial expressions to make your marriage those among the masters (and not the disasters). Oh, and if you suddenly become obsessed with how the principles are changing your relationship, you might take it to the next level with the Gottman’s “DIY marriage repair” kit: The Art and Science of Love: Home Couples Workshop DVD box set. It’s a little pricey at $175, but trust me: priceless! And about .02% the cost of divorce court. And they even have done research on the effectiveness of their workshops. Spoiler alert: for many couples, it’s proven as or more effective than therapy.

I Only Say This Because I Love You: Talking to your Parent, Partners, Kids and Sibs When You’re all Adults by Deborah Tannen. This is one of my all-time favorites. Okay, almost all of Tannen’s in her series are faves, including the first “You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation” and its offspring, born a few years later: “That’s Not What I Meant! How Conversational Style Makes or Breaks Relationships.” Why so much Tannen-love? She’s a Georgetown Professor of Sociolinguistics who has been able to—with her witty writing and rich, profound examples—explain exactly how it’s almost always how we say something, not what we say, that will make or break our relationships. It’s possible you’ll garner the concern of everyone around you while reading; most of us nod like bobble-heads as we consume her examples and explanations. These are the perfect companion pieces to Gottman’s books.

If You’re in My Office, It’s Already Too Late: A Divorce Lawyer’s Guide to Staying Together by James Sexton. Just out, this has become a new favorite! So much so, it might be making its way into future wedding gift boxes. Many who know me would say “really?” Are you promoting the advice of a divorce lawyer? Here’s what I like and why I highly recommend: Sexton reverse engineers marriage success. He’s seen the worst of the worst (the unthinkable WORST and then some) of couples—literally a thousand and then some of them. And after being on the front lines of those marriage disasters, he’s been able to capture here—with sharp writing, hard-hitting advice and heart-warming clarity—exactly what the relationship researchers are suggesting. And, he does so in a way that I think will resonate with a lot of people in a way that we (ugh, it’s hard to admit) researchers and professorly-types sometimes don’t. As such, I give this book my stamp of credible-relationship-self-help approval.

PODCASTS

Maybe you’re not an avid reader? I’ve got you covered—and so does the world of podcasters. (Remind me: what did we do before the invention of the podcast? Seriously.) If you want better, wiser, and/or more delightful relationships of many varieties, you’d be wise to subscribe to these four of my fave relationship-enhancing podcasts:

Where Should We Begin? Hosted by Esther Perel. Wow. WOW. Wowwowowo. Someone said it better than I ever could: “This podcast is free therapy.” Yes, Perel is a brilliant couples therapist. And yes, she essentially—in funny, heartwarming, powerful and heart-opening ways—invites us into her therapy sessions to (and these are her words) “learn, explore, and experience alongside the couples who have been gracious enough to let us in.” Begin your next hour with a listen to “Where should we begin?” If you don’t learn something and think about your own intimacy and relationship in a new way, you weren’t actually paying attention.

Dear Sugars hosted by Cherly Strayed and Steve Almond. If I had added a sixth book to my five-favorites above it would have been “Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar” by Strayed. No one does radical empathy about life and relationships better than Strayed. Together with Steve Almond—growing out of their advice column that gave way to Strayed’s Tiny Beautiful book—their Dear Sugars Podcast brings to your ears and heart that same fundamental and formidable logic found in the book and in their earlier advice columns: that of making raw sense of human emotion and our often nonsensical, illogical, complex relationship experiences. You. Will. LOVE. And learn. And their advice will seep into your consciousness—often when you least expect it.

Modern Love, a weekly Podcast based on the weekly and crazy-popular New York Times column by the same name. I mean, of course, this is one of my faves. And I’ll be surprised if it isn’t one of yours soon too. These are “Stories of love, loss and redemption,” and while hosts Meghna Chakrabarti and Daniel Jones don’t know it yet, I consider them friends. Because they’re with me as I fold laundry, drive between the two states I currently call homes, and even as I bathe. I mean who doesn’t want to listen to, for example (recent episodes): “Single Woman Seeking Manwich,” “When Mothers Bully Back,” and “GPS For my Lost Identity.” You do. And you will keep coming back for next week’s episode once you binge-listen to all in the archives.

Hidden Brain, an NPR Podcast hosted by Shankar Vedantam. Yes, this is a less obvious choice. But holy moly, I cannot stop listening to Hidden Brain, I once listened to more than a dozen episodes back-to-back on an overseas flight. The intersection of neuroscience and social science is not only absolutely fascinating, I find that every episode teaches me something—if not immediately obvious—about human relationships. In their own words, this is a Podcast using a combination of “science and storytelling to reveal the unconscious patterns that drive human behavior, shape our choices and direct our relationships.” I mean, hey: who doesn’t want to know more about that?! #RelationshipGeeksUnite

BONUS recommendation: A DOCUMENTARY So, maybe you’re neither a podcast nor book-lover. I’m here for you too. How about an award-winning, lighthearted documentary about the “crazy concept” of marriage? The 2017 documentary “I Do?” is one that I found so fascinating and insightful—with no easy answers and no stock advice, just an intimate look at the question “when we say ‘I Do’, what exactly do we say ‘yes’ to?”—I hosted this documentary shortly after its launch at the university where I taught. The post-viewing discussion with the producer/director and a panel of marriage and family therapists was so robust and interesting we struggled to get everyone out of the auditorium; they wanted to know/discuss more! My Rx to you and yours: no matter if you’re newly dating or been married 58 years, watch it together and talk about what marriage and commitment and the long-haul means (and doesn’t) to you. I guarantee you’ll have a LOT to talk about. And that’s really the goal, because even the research shows that when couples even watch a fictional movie about relationship dynamics and then discuss it, it has positive benefits for their own relationship. If you don’t want to have a book-club-date-night with your partner, then please do make some popcorn, turn off those damn phones, and watch this film: I Do? Documentary – A Lighthearted Documentary About the “Crazy” Concept of Marriage

Carol Bruess, a professor emeritus at the University of St. Thomas in Minnesota, studies and writes about relationships, is highly fluent in emoji, loves parentheticals, and is preparing her best happy-dance for empty-nest-time next year (but shhhh—don’t tell her kids because they think she’s going to be all weepy). Check out her research, books and sewing/design shenanigans over at carolbruess.com.

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