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dawninlatin · 4 years

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Queen of Peace, Chapter 1

A manorian high school AU

Words: 1688

Warnings: This chapter contains mentions of both physical and psychological abuse.

AO3 Link: Click here

Summary: Manon Blackbeak is flawless, untouchable. From the outside at least. Her grandmother pushes her to achieve greatness, and she doesn't let anyone get too close in fear of being hurt. How can anyone love her when not even her parents could?

Dorian Havilliard has always felt safe and confident around his friends. He might not have the greatest of families, but with Aelin and Chaol by his side, nothing can go wrong. That is until he tries keeping his greatest secret from them.

What will happen when Dorian and Manon gets to know one another? Can two lost souls find their way back together?

And we climbed onto the roof of the museum

And someone made love in the grass

And I forgot my name

And the way back to my mother’s house

-Florence + The Machine, South London Forever

Dorian Havilliard had never been happier to be with his friends. He was currently standing in Aedion Ashryver’s kitchen, drinking a beer and chatting with Chaol. The final third of their trio was busy sucking face with Rowan Whitethorn.

A lot has changed while I was away, he thought.

While his friends had been here - going to parties, hooking up with people, making memories - Dorian had been stuck at his family’s summer house, 700 miles away.

He knew he shouldn’t complain, it was a nice house - with a pool and everything - but if he had to take another day of his mother being wine drunk by 3pm, his little brother’s tantrums or his father’s extremely racist, sexist and homophobic comments he would go crazy.

Of course, not everything about his summer had been bad, but he didn’t want to think about that now.

Instead, Dorian leaned back and took another sip of his beer, enjoying the fact that he was back. «I am not drunk enough to watch this,» he said to Chaol, nodding towards Aelin and Rowan, the former now licking - actually licking - the latter’s neck.

«I know, gross right?» Chaol said, mimicking himself throwing up and earning a chuckle from Dorian in the process.

«When did this even happen?» he asked. Last time Dorian had checked, Aelin hated Rowan. Thinking back on how she always complained about the star quarterback being an annoying pain in her ass with his alpha-male bullshit, Dorian couldn’t quite fathom the sight before him.

Chaol looked towards them again with a disgusted look on his face. «No idea, I think they hooked up over the summer,» he replied, turning towards Dorian. «How about you? Met any cute girls?» Chaol wiggled his eyebrows for emphasis.

«Ehm..no,» Dorian replied quickly, finishing his drink.

Liar, he said to himself. He had hooked up with someone. Had even been in a relationship, brief as it was. That relationship had been the only good thing about his summer, the only thing making it bearable. Yet he couldn’t get himself to tell his friends about it. He couldn’t get himself to utter the words:

You know what? I did hook up with someone over the summer. His name was Vaughan and he looked like a god. Oh, I’m bisexual by the way.

Dorian had known for a few years now, but he still hadn’t come out to his friends. It shouldn’t have been this hard - he was living in 2019 after all - and they had been a trio for as long as he could remember. Dorian knew they would support him no matter what, but he couldn’t get himself to say it.

His spiraling train of thought was thankfully interrupted when Aelin finally came strolling into the kitchen.

«What’s up, losers,» Aelin announced, hopping onto the counter. She tried giving them her usual smirk, but all snark and bravado was replaced by blushing cheeks and a huge grin.

Chaol handed her a drink, before saying: «Who are you and what have you done to our Aelin? I can literally see hearts in your eyes.»

Dorian expected some sassy comeback, but she just giggled, looking towards the backyard where her boyfriend stood, talking to his friends.

Oh yes, things had definitely changed over the summer.

«I’m in love,» she declared, flinging her arms out and nearly hitting Dorian in the chest. «You should try it sometime,» Aelin continued, winking at Chaol.

There is the Aelin we know and love, Dorian thought.

She turned her gaze from Chaol to Dorian, giving him a once over.

«You,» she said - pointing at Dorian - «got hot over the summer.»

He felt a blush spread over his face at her words. He guessed he had changed a little over the summer. He had grown a few inches, let his hair get a little longer - the raven black curls almost falling to his eyes now - and put on a couple pounds of muscle. His mind wandered back to Vaughan and how he had shown exactly how hot he thought Dorian was.

He tried to change the subject over to something else, and said the first thing that came to mind: «I can’t believe we’ll all be seniors from tomorrow on.»

Both of his friends looked at him then. «I know!» Aelin said. «But I’ve got a feeling this year is going to be great.»

She threw her arms around their shoulders, before exclaiming: «I’ve got my boys with me after all. What could go wrong?»

And as his best friend grinned at him - the feeling of summer and freedom still lingering, music playing long into the night - Dorian couldn’t help but grin back, letting all worries and secrets fade away.

For now, at least.

Manon Blackbeak was sitting in her room, reading Animal Farm. The semester didn’t start until tomorrow, but the curriculum was always published a few days ahead, and her grades wouldn’t suffer from coming to class prepared. Her grandmother would only accept the best, after all.

She put away the book as she heard something rustle inside her closet. Seconds later Abraxos emerged, his head stuck inside a t-shirt. Manon sighed at the sight of the little black cat, but stepped over to help him.

Once she had freed him, she was awarded with a loud purr, his head pushing against her thigh. Manon rolled her eyes at his antics. «You stupid worm,» she mumbled, but gave in and stroked him behind his ears.

«It’s getting late,» she said to her companion. «We should head to bed, so we’re well rested for tomorrow.»

As if he understood what she was saying, Abraxos hopped onto her bed and laid down on his usual spot, right next to her pillow.

Manon turned off the lights before laying down next to him.

I will be a senior from tomorrow on, she thought.

Her summer had been rather uneventful, as usual. They never went anywhere, never did anything. Manon’s grandmother was always very busy, so she only had her cousin Asterin for company - whenever she was home, that was.

Manon spent her summers waiting for school to begin again, getting the time to pass by reading herself up on various subjects, always working to maintain her perfect GPA.

Only the best will do. Her grandmother’s words echoed in her mind. You don’t want to end up like your mother, do you?

Manon had never met her mother - since she had died right after Manon was born - but her grandmother liked to remind her of how big of a failure the woman was, having dropped out of college after being knocked up by Manon’s father.

She had never met her father either. Apparently the man was a drunken nobody, wanting nothing to do with his daughter.

Her parents wasn’t something she thought about often, but once again she heard her grandmother’s words. You will do better. Be better. Understand?

Manon’s summer hadn’t only consisted of tedious schoolwork, she had also spent countless hours at the dance studio, practicing new moves.

Dancing was her one great passion. She loved closing her eyes and getting lost in the music, her body moving to the rhythm on its own accord. On the good days, dancing felt like flying.

That was the other reason to why she was looking forward to school starting again. She hadn’t danced with her team in months. They called themselves the Thirteen, and she was their captain. As soon the semester started they could get back to practicing, working towards their goal of beating Iskra Yellowlegs and her team’s ass.

As she closed her eyes, ready to drift off to sleep, her mind wandered to Asterin. Manon hadn’t seen her cousin all evening, so she came to the conclusion that she had most likely snuck out to go to some end-of-summer party. It wouldn’t be the first time.

As if on cue, someone knocked quietly on her window.

«Speaking of the devil,» Manon said to no one in particular as she got out of bed, walked over to the window and opened it, only to find Asterin standing outside.

The girl looked wild, wearing her usual leather jacket, wavy, blonde hair hanging loose, make-up smudged around her eyes.

«Move your ass and let me in,» was her cousin’s only greeting as she stealthily climbed inside, barely making any noise.

Manon chose to ignore her and crawled back into bed. Asterin followed, shoving Abraxos out of the way and laying down next to Manon.

The cat gave Asterin an offended look before running inside the closet again.

«How drunk are you?» Manon asked her cousin, trying to ignore the stench of alcohol.

This was going to be a long night, she thought.

Asterin turned to lay on her back. «Not too drunk, I can walk in a straight line,» she said, turning her face towards Manon’s and wiggling her eyebrows.

Manon wasn’t too sure about that, noticing the slur in her voice. All of a sudden, Asterin started to giggle.

«What’s so funny?» Manon asked, not bothering to hide the annoyance in her voice.

Asterin didn’t seem to care that her cousin would much rather sleep as she answered: «I’m just happy about life I guess. I have a boyfriend now.» She giggled some more, drawing out the syllables in boyfriend.

Asterin kept going, «His name is Hunter, and he’s perfect.»

So that’s why she’s been out so much lately, Manon mused to herself.

She went quiet after that, probably asleep already. Manon turned to lay on her side, -facing away from her drunk cousin - when Asterin spoke again. Her voice was quiet and surprisingly sober this time. «You didn’t tell her, right? That I was out, I mean. You know how angry she can get.»

Yes, Manon knew first hand how angry their grandmother could get, the small, white mark she bore on her left cheek proof of that.

A/N: If you finished it all, congratulations!

I never thought I would write a multichapter fic, but I got the idea for this and was unable to put it away, so here it is!

I have the full story plotted out already (although it is a mess), but don't know how often I will have the inspiration to write the chapters and post them. I don't want to make a posting schedule either because consistency is definitely not my middle name.

I just have to say that writing Manon is extremely difficult. She is one complex character. But I am trying my best, and decided to write her like I think she would be, had she been a human teenager.

Also, if it seems like the writer of this fic has never stepped foot inside an American high school, you're correct. I'm just a simple Norwegian trying my best.

Feel free to leave a comment:) Constructive criticism is always welcomed, as I am working towards improving as a writer.

Peace&Love -Dawninlatin

#throne of glass #sarah j maas #manorian #manon x dorian #manorian fanfiction #manon blackbeak #dorian havilliard #throne of glass fanfiction #sorry for the mess that this is #also we stan abraxos as one fluffy kitten #dawninlatin QoP

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bigtittyhimmler-blog · 5 years

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Who Goes Nazi? Brooklyn Edition

If you’re anything like me, a twenty-something Twitter leftist with an advanced degree in the humanities, you hate absolutely everyone around you and badly want to kill them. You live in a brownstone playground of Timorese food and adult coloring books, and you want to suicide bomb the L train but leave a note blaming it on manspreading or whatever, so people don’t think you’re one of “those” random mass murderers (the bad kind). You hate having to tell people at parties that you “work in content,” and you hate the fact that they all also work in content. You hate that they all make content for outlets that are slightly cooler and more prestigious than the outlets you make content for. You hate that none of them have even fucked you for like thirteen months. You hate that you can’t even hate them for the ways in which they’re different to you, because there aren’t any. But fear not! There’s one thing you’ve got that nobody else does: you know that you’re definitely, 100% Not A Nazi.

But what about them? Imagine if the Nazis took over America and it was suddenly cool and prestigious to be a Nazi, and there were trendy Nazis on the TV the whole time, and they once again sold soap with slogans like “Dove: The White Pride Soap for Hating QTBIPOC and Not Amplifying Their Voices.” But also don’t imagine, because that’s exactly what’s happening.

This game was invented by Dorothy Thompson in her classic 1941 Harpers essay Who Goes Nazi?, in which she presciently pointed out that intellectuals are definitely more Nazi than aristocrats, but not nearly as Nazi as union leaders. But she set her essay at some dinner party in the Hamptons or wherever, and last time I went out there I went swimming in the sea and a wave hit me and I lost my bikini top and a bunch of bros in boat shoes started laughing and pointing at me in a way that despite my white privilege I still feel was somehow like imbued with racism, and then afterwards I just stayed inside for three weeks writing content and ordering groceries online, so the setting needs to be updated. Let’s look at your group DM. Which of these Twitter creatives who live in Brooklyn would go along with it and become a Nazi? (All of them.) And who never, ever would? (Me.)

Mr A isn’t actually in your group DM, and you’ve never encountered anyone like him irl, but you literally can’t stop talking about him, so he gets included anyway. Mr A is a short ugly loser, and he’s already a Nazi. He doesn’t even live in Brooklyn, he lives in his mother’s basement, and eats chicken tenders, and he doesn’t get laid, but in a different way to the way you don’t get laid, which has to do with patriarchy. Mr A is a Pizzagate. Mr A is a Gamergate. Mr A is a segregationist. Mr A opposes the reforms of the Emperor Diocletian (284-305). Mr A won’t shut up about the superiority of a “free silver” bimetallic monetary system over gold specie, and keeps on talking about the “gold shills” in a way that doesn’t really make sense until you realize that your own name is Goldschmidt, and yeah, he doesn’t really care about expansionary monetary policy at all, he’s talking about the Jews, and specifically you. Mr A is basically a pathetic worm whose life sucks and nobody likes him, but also he represents the whole of the repressive forces of society and he’s at the top of the social hierarchy. Everyone you’ve ever met is actually Mr A, wearing various masks. He is the source of all your problems. He must be killed, and once we kill him, we need to find more people like him to be the source of any problems we have left over.

Mr B is in your group DM, but you also have a separate group DM with everyone else except Mr B in it. He keeps trying so hard to be nice, and says stuff like “so how is everyone’s day today” with a smiley emoji, and when you’re talking to him you get this airless feeling like you’re about to suffocate in his treacly good-natured presence. Every time you see Mr B at a party you’re afraid that he’s going to blurt out that he loves you, but you can’t keep your distance too much because he’s so clearly autistic, and you don’t want to be ableist. Anyway once in the group DM he said that while he obviously thought divining for water with Y-shaped copper rods was good and important and valid, he didn’t understand what it had to do with socialism. That made everything better, because clearly he’s a Nazi. The whole group DM expended hours of emotional labor educating him about how dowsing is part of LGBTQ+ culture and how his dismissive bro-y attitude was reactionary and gross, and eventually he posted a video of himself crying and begging for forgiveness and promising to do better, because you guys were the only friends he had. This was classic white fragility, but in the end you let him stay. You just have the other DM now, where you make fun of him and it’s ok, because if the Nazis came and he had license to start being cruel and sadistic to other people, he’d definitely do it.

Ms C is one of those women who doesn’t like other women, and you know this about her because you can’t fucking stand the bitch. Plus she says stuff that’s really not ok, even though it costs nothing to have empathy and be kind. You’ve personally heard her use the D-word, the H-slur, and the L-pejorative, all while laughing and holding a glass of white wine by the stem, like she doesn’t need to consider the harm this does to others, just because she’s “funny” and “an artist.” She’s the Cool Chick. She makes nude self-portraits (the bad, skinny kind), and she’d throw you under the bus in a second for male attention and approval. She’d definitely go Nazi. But the worst thing about her is that she has the impudence to be bisexual and Asian, which makes it really hard to call her out. But then you realized that all Asian people are collectively responsible for the long history of anti-Blackness and misogynoir in their communities, and you’re thinking of holding her collectively responsible for the Rape of Nanking too, once you’re certain she’s a sushi Asian and not the dim sum kind.

Ms D’s boyfriend works in finance, or like accountancy or something, or I think I heard he was a musician? Maybe a drummer or possibly he used to bartend at a place where they had live music. Anyway they definitely have vanilla cishet sex in the missionary position and you can’t stop thinking about it, his body, her body, naked, moving, breathing, together, almost silent, tender, disgusting. She says she’s a socialist but doesn’t devote every minute of her waking life to getting mad about people online. This means she’s just vaguely following a trend, and if the trend were being a Nazi (which it is), she’d be a Nazi (which she therefore is). You can’t imagine yourself actually hitting her but it’d definitely be punching up to maybe poison her food?

Mr E used to be a comrade, but then he did a tweet that got 38.6k RT’s and now he’s moved to Los Angeles to spend his whole time in writers’ rooms. Last you heard he was pitching an animated show for adults about a snail with borderline personality disorder. It hasn’t even been greenlit yet, but you’re already thinking about all the ways in which it will be a missed opportunity and do harm and perpetuate tropes. Mr E will definitely turn out to have been a Nazi, and then you can start an anonymous petition to get the show cancelled so he has to move back to New York. Once he’s back you can send him a long email about how much it sucks his career burned out and how (even though you won’t say it in public) sometimes people do actually take the social-justice thing too far. That way he’ll be a comrade again, which is good, because we believe in rehabilitating people who have a genuine change of heart.

Mr F probably thinks he’s better than you. He’s a union organizer. So are you (you added “#Unionize” to your Twitter name), but his union stuff involves workers who aren’t in tech, content, or grad school, and he probably thinks that makes him more in touch with “the real workers,” who he probably thinks are just a bunch of cis white males in a factory, who are probably all racist and probably have thick, heavy dicks that intrude on your mind in a kinda #MeToo way a lot of the time. He talks about class, and you agree that class is important because you’re not a lib (you support Bernie, you just want him to Do Better). But from the way he says it you’re certain he doesn’t acknowledge all he/him lesbians as part of the working class. He’s trying to save a tiny sector of the workers from a necessary and important socio-economic shift that will impoverish them and make their lives worse, and that’s what being a Nazi is. This is why his union needs to stop dragging their heels, change all of their rules and priorities, and let you get him fired.

Ms G (me) will never go Nazi, because she is beautiful and kind and pure, and has all the good opinions instead of the bad ones. Because of this she’s allowed to do things that other people can’t do. She can totally fail to understand what having an authoritarian personality actually means, and construct a version of the Who Goes Nazi? essay in which the people who go Nazi are just people who are already right wing, having confused politics with personality, probably because she herself has no personality other than her politics. She can minimize, ignore, or even encourage the infliction of actual suffering when it happens to the wrong kind of people. She can write that “nothing that terrible has really happened” since the publication of Mark Fisher’s Exiting the Vampire Castle, even though Mark Fisher himself is mysteriously not around to appreciate that fact. She can do some shit with threatening to leak an unedited draft that I don’t even want to go into. She knows that the Nazis don’t come promising hatred but promising to be your friend, but it’s ok because she doesn’t really have any friends, just mufos. She’s doing great. She’s building a better, kinder world. She will never, ever be the Nazis.

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etherealskeletons · 4 years

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OKAY SO . . .

I was left alone while Dad was dealing with the family and shit. The camper were in has a toilet but I hate it bc it's so cramped and it's askew?? My ass had to shit so I had to get ALL the courage to go walk a couple houses down and across the street to use a gas station bathroom [nd I did it!! It was terrifying going somewhere alone;;] my "room" smells like cat litter and it's very small and the rest of the camper smells like a stinky old dog. My "bed" is also above the water pump so anytime dad uses the bathroom or sink it makes this hella loud noise like AAAGGGHHUGGGGGHHHH so ye sleeping sucks but that's the reality babey

I ended up spending a lot of time with the wife and toddler. Wife is very awkward but kinda nice, doesn't ask a whole lotta questions, had a rough life. She's like 31 and the dude she's with is in his 50s and he's such a dink named Dale, I hate him and think she could do hella better but I think she's got shit self esteem, shes also extremely religious and became a hardcore Trump supporter after she married him so.. h..?? Anyway she was VERY SURPRISED when baby loved me and instantly bonded with me, baby is hella fun all she wants to do is play and I swing her around and feed her and her mom starts saying I would be a great mom and I should marry an older man like she did. She asked what kinda boys I'm into nd when I said greasy goth boys she looked SO DISAPPOINTED and told me older men are the way to go;; SO everything was fine until she was starting to make dinner then she started stressing the fuck out and saying shit like "Dale is gonna be so mad that it isn't ready when he comes come from work" and she's like hella pregnant and she also has to clean the cat box bc he doesn't wanna do it but?? I thought pregnant people weren't allowed to do that?? But fuck that he's a man he can't possibly clean a litter box

Anything I say the wife always goes "I was there once too but then I found god, married a nice older man and I'm a mom, things are great. U should do it too :)" like ew girl no.. I may hate myself, but I don't hate myself THAT much! She's also not on board with me cutting my hair and wants me to be ~girl~. SHE WAS ALSO TELLIN ME THAT SHE DOESNT SUPPORT THE LEFT AT ALL AND DOESNT BELIEVE IN THINFS LIKE FREE HEALTHCARE OR HANDOUTS EVEN THO SHES POOR AS HELL!! THEY DONT EVEN HAVE GOOD WALLS U CAN SEE THE OUTSIDE?? THERES NO REAL KITCHEN??? NO INSULATION??? BABY ROOM DOESNT EVEN HAVE ANY DAMN WALLS???? GIRL U NEED THOSE HANDOUTS UR LIVING IN SHIT!! U NEED A DENTIST GIRL UR GUMS!!! U ALSO LIVE UP NORTH WHY ARE U ACTING LIKE A SOUTHERN HICK;;; ALSO THEYRE SUPER RACIST AND SEXIST IM JUS???? THEYRE LIVIING LIKE ITS THE 50S;;;;; AND THEYRE SO HATEFUL TO OTHER RACES/SEXUALITIES BUT THEYRE CHRISTIANS??? WHICH ARE SUPPOSE TO FOLLOW CHRIST AND BE KIND LIKE???? H E L L O?????? THEYRE LIKE THE SUPER KIND OF RELIGIOUS TOO WHERE U WEAR JEAN SKIRTS;;; THEYLL SAY JESUS IS LOVE ND W/E AND THEN PROCEED TO SAY RLY BAD SWEARS IN FRONT OF THEIR 1 YEAR OLD FDMNSBHJFSD;;;;

They don't get along with their neighbors, idk why they just don't. Neighbors blast music for the whole neighborhood to hear, they have a million dogs and pigs, I guess theres a gay kid bc husband is VERY VOCAL about how much he hates that "f*ggot" nd I jus;;;; I feel for that kid like Jesus Christ...

So that night it's me, dad, wife husband baby, and husband's foster son and his wife (they're like pushing 40). We're eating and this emo teen boy comes over and dumps out a vacuum in the Dale's backyard and he's PISSED!! Everyones yelling at the kid and Dale goes out to scream at the kid and he calls him the F slur multiple times and the kid says he's gonna call the sheriff bc he's doing a hatecrime and he's all "ITS NOT A HATECRIME ITS WHAT U ARE U F*GGOT" AND EVERYONRS AGREEING WITH HIM BUT ME AND MY DAD WERE JUS SITTIN THERE DYIN;; HE LITERALLY WENT OUT WITH HIS HAND ON HIS GUN LIKE DUDE CMON THE KIDS LIKE 16;;; WHATRE U DOIN;;; THATS A KID DALE WHAT THE FUCK MAN??? So the kids parents came over and started threatening to call the cops and Dale was like "fuck u I didn't do nothing wrong, sit on it and rotate! At least I can own a gun unlike u, u dumb felon bitch!!" Hhfhh??? Extremely embarrassing, I hate that theyre using such nasty language in front of a 1 year old and that they're so intolerant and trashy ouuffff

Next day the wife apologizes for Dale's actions but she's like "I can't fucking stand f*ggots, they're all so disgusting. And tr*nnies too like? they're just ruining their perfect bodies, can you believe that?" And it's taking everything in me to not be like "girl I'm not straight, cis, religious, OR a trump supporter.."

#💀.txt #diary #MY DAD WAS SO SHOOK BY THE WAY THEY WERE ACTIN I WAS LOSIN IT KGNJHSFDS #were not staying here for much longer my dad doesn't like how they act #i also had to tell them my Lore bc they kept askin why i wasnt married or anything nd they were very shook at my life #how are u 21 and have the exp of an old person;;#they would say #they also asked how i wasnt on drugs or homicidal jndkshbjfds #THEY ALSO KEPT ASKIN WHY I WAS SO SKINNEY.. but im takin that to my grave i aint tellin em about that..

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bourbonboredom · 6 years

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A Reason To Believe Chapter 7

Being an undercover officer is a perilous job and Flip Zimmerman knows this far too well. He keeps his romantic life limited to one-night stands, never letting anyone get too close. That all starts to change when he meets a vivacious Jewish woman named Elle just as he’s about to take on a seriously dangerous undercover job; infiltrating the KKK. Elle and his undercover work make him question things he’d never thought to before and challenge him to see the world, and himself, in a whole new light.

A Flip x OC Fic

Word Count: 3,557

Warnings: racial slurs, anti-semitism, drinking, angst (sorry y’all)

Please go away little girl

Go away little girl

It's hurting me more each minute that you delay

When you are near me like this

You're much too hard to resist

So go away little girl before I beg you to stay

(x)

Flip spent more and more time with Elle. The two of them had very busy and sometimes conflicting schedules but he was more than willing to make it work. They started comparing schedules to find more time to spend together. His was more erratic than hers, as the klan could call him at just about any time and he’d have to go, but she’d wait up for his call on the nights he was working. Or he’d wake up early and they’d grab breakfast at the diner before her shift. Or he’d sleep over on Saturdays after they watched primetime. They’d find time in the odd hours of their days for one another, and Flip liked that.

It had been years since he’d had a relationship with this much work to it, but he wanted to make it work just for her. He wanted to be around Elle, even if it was just them grabbing coffee before the sun even rose. She shined bright enough to make it worth it.

The last few days had been a miss for the two of them, Elle’s shifts making it difficult to find a time for them to be together. They had the odd phone call here and there, and he found himself missing the smell of her hair or the sound of her laugh. He’d scold himself, he needed to be a professional and focus on the task at hand. He’d already given Ron shit about dating a girl who he’d met undercover, he’d never hear the end of it if he was caught sneaking out of the office to give Elle a call.

Jimmy knew about her, and how they’d been going steady the last few weeks. He knew that might as well have been centuries in Flip Zimmerman time. Information was pulled from him rather reluctantly. As much as he loved every little thing Elle did, a part of him wanted to keep her to himself. Keep her separate from his work life and his friends, if only until his undercover case was over. Jimmy offered that they come on a double date with him and his wife sometime, which Flip said he’d think about. He didn’t want to scare her off by inviting her on dates with a married couple. He knew they were moving fast, but there was a limit.

Not being able to share all the details of his job was probably the hardest part of their relationship. He wanted to tell her that he was undercover with a hate group that despised people like them, he wanted to tell her about how that was changing his mind about his own heritage. It had taken having such an intense level of hate spewed in his ears every day to finally understand that this effects him too, and that this really bothers him. He just didn't know how to explain that without also explaining the nature of his case, which was strictly forbidden by the department.

He’d seen it time and time before, undercover officers having huge fights with their spouses because of their jobs. The odd hours, the secrecy, it could chip away at even the sturdiest of marriages. He was determined to not let that happen to him. He made the fact that his job was difficult very clear, that sometimes he’d come home in an awful mood and won’t be able to talk about it, or that women might hit on him, but he will always be loyal to her. Elle would listen, empathy shining in her big brown eyes, and she would tell him she understood. She signed up for this, and they could work this out.

But things don’t always work out the way you’d like them too.

———

Ron had gotten the call right before him and Flip was about to leave for the night. They shared a look as he picked up the receiver and began to speak. They were the only two left in the office, the silence deafening as he tried to hear what was being said on the other line.

"Sure, sure, I'll meet you there. What's the address?" Ron said as he grabbed for a pen and paper.

"Uh huh, okay, I'll see you soon," He said, scribbling on the paper and hanging up the phone.

"That was Felix. He invited you to hang out with some of the guys at a bar on the north side,"

"Great," Flip muttered, getting up to take the address of his partner's desk. He read over the scribbled writing, trying to map out a route in his mind.

"Ready to get the wire?" Ron asked.

"Yeah, sure," He sighed, shoving the paper in his pocket.

The two moved to the equipment room to retrieve the wire and tape. Flip stood against the wall unbuttoning his shirt, leaving the undershirt exposed. He began ripping off sections of tape while Ron untangled the cord and battery pack.

"I'll be parked across the street, okay?" He said as he began to position the wire on his undershirt.

"No, park a little ways down the street. This bar isn't in a great area, you don't want them seeing you," Flip corrected, taping the wire into place on his own torso.

"Right, okay. I'll be there though. You remember everything from the last meeting?"

"I was there so yeah," He muttered, the last piece of tape securing the microphone on his chest. He buttoned his shirt back up and shoved the battery pack in his pocket, using his shirt tails to obscure any bulge.

"Alright, you probably don't have to stay long. Maybe just a beer," Ron continued, grabbing the recorder and heading out of the room.

"Yeah, lets make this one quick,"

-----

He pulled up and parked his car in the place Ron was going to originally park. He could see his compatriots through the dirty glass of the bar window. He sucked in a deep breath before crossing the street and opening the door. Country music and cigarette smoke filled the bar. Felix noticed him as he entered and motioned for him to join them at their table.

"Glad you could make it," He leered, a Coors in his grip.

"Yeah me too, thanks for inviting me out,"

"Get yourself a Coors and join us," It was clear that it wasn’t a suggestion.

Flip did just that. He wasn't really gathering any intel, he figured he wouldn't be once he got about 5 minutes into the conversation. They were just shooting the shit with one another. Bonding. He still needed to show face for a while, let them trust him. But he really wasn't enjoying it.

At least being outside their normal bar made their conversations a little tamer. They’d peer around at the patrons in the bar, silently surveying and figuring out how much could be said. Nothing useful would be picked up on the mic tonight, but the more Flip hung out with them the more they would eventually reveal.

After he finished his beer, he told the group he was gonna step out for a smoke. He needed the break from their talk. They got exhausting really easily, even in a public setting. He shrugged his hunting jacket on and stepped out into the cool fall air. He took a breath of relief and pulled his cig box out of his pocket. It read Camel on the front, but there were hand-rolled ones on the inside. He tapped one into his hand and placed it between his lips. The spark of the lighter gave off a little bit of warmth, which was prolonged by the heated smoke that filled his lungs as he breathed in.

He knew it wasn't the best thing for him to be smoking. He'd seen the cancer reports. But his job was stressful and he needed this. Besides. Hand rolled ones were better for you. He took another drag and glanced behind him to see the guys all focus on each other and not minding him.

"I'll have another beer and then I'm going home," He mumbled just loud enough for the microphone to pick up. He couldn't see Ron's car but he knew he was close by.

He'd smoked about half his cigarette, he knew he should extinguish it soon and head back in. He was resigning himself to turn around and walk back into the bar. It took him a second to get the nerve to. That was when he heard a familiar voice.

"Flip?" He heard someone call from his left side. His body instantly froze. He wanted it to be a trick of the mind. No, he needed it to be.

He turned his head slowly, catching a glimpse of the guys in the bar, still not paying attention to him. He turned his head more to see Elle walking toward him, her nurse's uniform still on from her shift. Her necklace glinted under the streetlights glow.

"Flip, I thought that was you. I don't usually see you on this side of town," She smiled as she stopped beside him. Panic set it. What was he supposed to do?

"Yeah, its um, unexpected," He mumbled.

"Are you doing okay? You look pale," She moved her hand to check his forehead and he jerked away. He needed her to get away from this bar with these crazy racists. He needed her to be safe.

"I'm fine, don't worry. You should head on home though, it's pretty dark out,"

"You could always give me a ride," She winked. "It's been a while since you swung by, you've been busy or something?"

"Yeah, pretty busy," He trailed off as he glanced back in the bar.

He was met with the steely gaze of Felix, staring back at him, eyebrow raised.

"Elle, I need you to get out of here. Now," He said without moving his mouth too much.

"What? Why?" She looked up at him, eyebrows furrowed.

"I can't tell you what's going on, you just gotta trust me,"

Felix was getting up and walking toward the door, the rest following behind shortly after.

"Flip, you're acting weird, is everything okay?" She looked toward the men, following his gaze.

"Eliana I can't be seen with you get the fuck out of here. Please," He pleased through gritted teeth.

"Excuse me?" Her tone shifted from worry to indignation. Her hands rested on her hips and she took a step closer to him. "You can't be seen with me? Is that what I just heard come out of your mouth?"

"Elle--" was all her managed to get out before he heard the door click open. His gaze flew to Felix, who was looking both of them up and down.

"She givin' you trouble?" He asked, eyeing the silver pendant around her neck.

He ran though every scenario of how this could go in his mind. She could accidentally call him by his real name, he couldn't let them know she knew him, he couldn't let her know he was undercover. This was a nightmare. There was no way out of this where someone didn't get hurt.

He breathed in through his nose, resolute in what he had to do to keep her safe. Elle opened her mouth to speak but Flip beat her to the punch, trying to keep her from blowing his cover.

"She's just asking for directions. Told her I can't help her, but I do know where the nearest bakery is with an oven she can jump into,"

Her mouth hung open in shock, unable to take her eyes off him. His chest felt like it was filled with sand. What he said worked, but he knew there was no coming back from it. The guys laughed, flooding out of the bar to stand around her in a half circle.

"We can help make sure you get there, got some room in my trunk," Ivanhoe cackled, causing Felix to hit his arm to get him to shut up.

"It's not safe for women to be walking alone at night," The blond leered, taking a step closer to her.

She didn't step back, daring instead to look up at him. If she was scared, she didn't show it. Felix reached his hand out, slowly pressing his index finger into the silver Star of David until his force pushed her back.

“You’re real pretty for a Jew,” He sneered, watching her stand up straight again, hands balled into fists at her sides.

Flip couldn't watch this anymore.

"There are a lot of bad guys on the streets, maybe you should go," His voice rumbled from his chest. He didn't have to nerve to look at her as he spoke, but he felt her gaze trained on him.

She stood there, looking at him for a few moments. He finally looked up and saw her eyes were glassy and pink. Her lip twitches and she drew her mouth tight to stop it. She was trying not to cry. His heart fell to his throat and he fought to regain control of his emotions. He has to do this. He had to keep both of them safe. This was for her own good.

He felt his breath hitch as she finally turned away, walking down the street at a quickened pace. His throat felt thick and he forced himself to swallow and take a breath. He couldn't seem upset. He just pushed away one of the best things in his life, and he had to act like it wasn't a problem. But it was. The shame was eating at him, he had to try to make this right. He swore that as soon as he could get out from being undercover he'd rush to see her.

She was a yard or so away when something glinted in the street lights and hit her in the head before falling to the ground with a clink. She stopped for a moment to acknowledge what just struck her. He couldn't quite make it out until he heard Ivanhoe snickering beside him. He motioned to his palm, which had a few pennies in it.

What a bunch of sick fucks.

“Dumb kike!” Ivanhoe held another up, ready to throw. Flip brought his hand up to stop him before he could even think about it.

"Quit it," He hissed.

The guys stopped to stare at him. He recovered his composure.

"She's not worth your money," the words dropped from his lips like poison, making himself feel ill as he spoke.

They laughed and she started walking again, not bothering to look back at him. He took a long drag of his cigarette, letting the smoke fill his lungs, blowing it out before extinguishing the flame with the heel of his boot.

------

He was finally able to leave the bar a half hour later. He said his goodbyes and got in his car and waited until he was around the corner before he sped off toward the station. He was being reckless, he knew it, but he needed this to be over.

He could see Ron's car tailing behind him and he pulled into the station's parking lot.

"Flip," He heard him call as he slammed his car door shut and walked into the building.

Ron caught up with him quickly, but didn't say anything more as they headed toward the equipment room. He almost tore a button off trying to get the wire out from his shirt and off his person. He realized Ron had heard everything. That his words would always be on record to haunt him. His mouth tasted bitter.

"I couldn't see, was that your girl you were talking to?" Ron asked quietly.

“Elle. Her name’s Elle. She’s Jewish. The guys were coming outside. I had to make her leave, she wasn't safe there," His voice threatened to crack as he slammed the wire on the table and walked back to his desk.

As quick as his large fingers would allow him, he dialed out the number to her apartment. He impatiently waited to hear anything but a dial tone, bit nothing ever came. He cursed to himself and slammed the receiver back down.

"Flip, I'm sorry man," Ron said quietly from his own desk.

"It's part of the job," he gritted through his teeth. "I gotta fix this,"

He took long strides down the halls of the station, letting doors slam behind him as he rushed into the cool night air. He threw himself in his car and peeled out of the parking lot towards Elle's place.

What was usually a fifteen minute drive took him eight. He skidded into a parking spot and ran toward the building. He saw the light on in her window, a sign that she had at least made it home. He sprinted up the stairs, skipping two or three steps at a time, until he reached her hallway.

He was out of breath when he reached her door, but he didn't care. He knocked a few times, calling her name softly.

"Elle? Open the door, I have to talk to you,"

No response. He tried again.

"Elle? Please, you gotta hear me out,"

No response again.

"Eliana I'm so sorry, I never wanted you to see me like that. But you gotta believe I was doing it to protect you. I needed you to leave. It was for your own safety. Look, I was undercover, thats my job for the CSPD. I’m an undercover cop and I was with a bunch of targets. They’re awful people, I needed you to get as far away from them as possible while keeping my cover or else they could have hurt us both,”

He heard the faint sound of her moving across her apartment, stopping in front of the door. He reached out and placed his palms on the wood in front of him, as if she could feel him.

"You can ask anyone at the station. I can't tell you what's going on, but I had to keep you safe, and I panicked and said a lot of things I deeply regret. I didn’t mean anything I said when I was with them, it was only to keep them from trying to hurt you. I told you, my job is dangerous. You have to believe me,"

His hands slowly balled up into fists as he was met with more silence. He placed his forehead against the door, eyeing the mezuzah on the frame, feeling a new wave of guilt wash over him.

"Elle, please," His voice got quieter. "I know what it looked like but I had to keep you safe by any means. I can't let anything happen to you. You're too important to me," He swallowed, as if to keep from choking on his words.

"I love you,"

He meant it.

He had to let her know, she had to know he loved her. That this wasn't some fling, that he'd fallen hard.

A beat of silence was followed by her muffled voice coming from the other side of the door.

"Find some other dumb kike to tell it to,"

It felt as though the wind had been knocked from his lungs. He collapsed on himself, letting his weight rest on the door. He knew now, nothing he could say could fix this. He fucked up. He felt tears sting in his eyes and a burning sensation in his nostrils as he leaned off the door and slowly made his way back down the hallway. He wasn't going to cry, he wouldn't let himself.

There was no coming back from this. The best thing he could do was stay out of her life, he'd just mess it up more if he tried to stay. Before he could process it, he was back in his car and driving down the street as though he were on auto pilot.

He arrived back at his quiet, empty, lonely apartment and padded inside. His coat slipped from his shoulders on to the floor as he walked toward the kitchen cabinet. From the top shelf he pulled a bottle of whiskey. He let the liquor burn his throat, anything to distract from the dull ache inside himself.

He sat at his kitchen table with the bottle, the only light coming from the dim lamp above him. He stayed there for a long time, unable to find the strength to move. He played out the night in his head maybe a hundred times. What he could have done differently, what he could have said differently. Was there anything he could have done to keep her in his life?

The hate he had to emulate to hang out with the klan had been slowly chipping away at him. The comments and assumptions, the subtleties and the outrights. He was managing on his own, but Elle being introduced to their hatred was burning him to his core. She deserved better than that. She deserved better than him.

He took another swig of whiskey. A part of him had worried this would happen. Every other relationship he’d had failed at least partially because of his job. Why should this one be any different?

Though everything sure felt different with Elle.

Maybe it was better to be alone.

-------------------

NOTES

So this chapter was basically what brought about this entire story. I’d been thinking about what would happen if Flip was undercover and had to sacrifice a relationship to keep both him and his girlfriend safe? So uhhh sorry! There’s like 7 more chapters to go so obviously things will change.

I take no pleasure in writing racial slurs of any kind, but I felt it was necessary in this instance. I try to keep any dialogue from the klansmen in this story to a minimum because the amount of shit that comes out of their mouths isn’t stuff i’d want to read or write.

Smoking was still very popular in the 1970s, about half the population smoked. Warning labled were introduced on cigarette packs in 1971. By the 1980s, the population of smokers had decreased by about ten percent.

The origin for the slur k*ke has a few different theories

#flip zimmerman #flip x reader #flip zimmerman x reader #masterlist #ARTBmasterlist

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twofacedpoet · 2 years

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Important Info. Read.

Hey. I’m Aaron. Or Ash. Or Caelan. Any of those names are fine. Cae is also fine. Sorry if that’s a bit confusing. Try not to overthink it lol. This post is basically me introducing myself so y’all have background info about me. As I said those are my names. I am 15 years old so don’t be fucking weird on here. I will block you. I identify as genderfluid. For me that means that one day I feel like Aaron, He/Him or He/They and another I feel like Caelan She/Her or She/They. My gender changes. It’s fluid. That’s mainly why I use any pronouns. However, if you see it specified then use those. My sexuality is a weird topic. I don’t label it. I love who I love and I date who I date. If someone asks me though I would say I’m queer and asexual.

I can’t really say what I’m going to post about because I suck at consistency. If I had to give you a general idea though I’d say it’ll most likely be genderfluid stuff, being visually impaired, being chronically ill, general lgbtq stuff, poetry, music, mental illness, and whatever else I think of.

That’s basically it. Just going to add my DNI to the end of this and then I’ll shut up.

NOTE: I try to add trigger warnings, but I have memory problems and my meds do not help that so be warned that I may forget.

NOTE PT 2: I also try to use tone tags but I’m autistic and bad at picking up tone so sometimes label things wrong. Even when I’m the one writing it.

DNI

Transphobes (includes transmeds, terfs, etc.)

Homophobes

Racists

Ableists

Fake claimers of DID/OSDD systems

Non-Traumagenic systems (Endo)

Misogynist

Think pronouns=Gender

Against neopronouns/xenogenders

Maps/Pedophiles

Zoophiles

Use slurs you can't reclaim

All lives matter

Transabled people

You know me irl and I didn't specifically give you permission to have this account while sober.

#trans #visually impaired #DNI #Info #Genderfluid #queer

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theoatmealshow · 2 years

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(TW ED MENTAL ABUSE)

Being the 4th sibling with a 17 year age gap.

Let me introduce you to my siblings will hide identity due to privacy

Red: she is in her 30's she is a red head brown who enjoys Harley Davison and yellowstone. She has 2 kids pufferfish (16) and Benson (13) she is divorced to her ex let's name him asshole 🙄 (fr tho fuck him he's a dick) works at a nursing home

Bogi: she is in her 30's she has blonde/silver hair due to dyeing it she like friends Pokémon Go and always traveling around christan she has 2 kids as well knee who is (13) and Forest:who is (10) she has a ex husband named let's say Kevin due to family jokes) works with a brand we won't name

Bex: she is 30's she loves Disney the marvel universe traveling expectly to Saint George Island Christian ✝️ she has two kids bug (12) and flower (6) and an amazing husband named mickey works for Disney travels

Bench warmer he is 16 he is the golden child he gets straight A and B plays baseball basketball 🏀 baseball ⚾️ and tennis 6"2 very has a girlfriend named Lake homophobic and racist

Oatmeal AKA ME!!!!! I am 17 I made B C grades I am in my schools anime club I like anime cosplay Manga reading writing cats expectly mine (my pfp) I'm Trans ftm and pansexual

Eleven: he is 7 (he'd called 11 bc he has the shaved head for it 🤣🤣) he makes stirght A plays baseball ⚾️ likes to run around and be goofy like minecraft and fnaf and he proudly says he has 14 girlfriends

My mother: (57)she likes Disney and Marvile and anything hary poter. She's very relious. She was a school teacher aid now she is a director for a after school program very homophobic

My father: (57) he likes guns bows duck disnsty making leather work he works with leather in the winter and mows in the summer. Very Christian very homophobic

I will probably write more about all them due to me living with father mother bench warmer and eleven but I do see the rest alot. Anyway on with the rant...

See I am the 4th out of 6 childern. I have never been the smartest child or the prettiest either. My family are all very bigger humans and that's fine till your mother body shames you daily then it's not bloody fine.As the Trans pansexual human I already have body imagine problems. I have struggled with it all my life and it sucks. I got told to kms daily and it's just fucking wrong. My parents told me when I was a child if your arm can't go around your waste and touch you are not skinny. That all never bother, But today made me snap. So father made me give up my cat (not patches) due to it being a bitch to everyone.

So after that I was depressed and crying. My father got me a strawberry frosty frosty we ate it and went home. When we where on the ride home my dad asked if I want to go to a restaurant when my mom came home I said sure. We came home cried and watched heartstoper. I texted him i didnt want to go and he said give it time and to come it will be fun. I agreed got dressed and then benchwarmer refused to go with us till my dad forced him. We get in the car and my dad asked me to get more water for my cats due to the fact we are having a heat wave where I live.

I agreed and asked about the hoes and my father said bench warmer needed to fix it he refused so me and bench warmer got into a heated fight bc I do chores for him all the bloody time and the one time his chore blocks me from stuff 😒. We wait for my mom in a parking lot and he bitched about the heat. Well after I told him not to fucking ruin my mums mood she was dancing in the car to shape of you. But then he asked to physically fight me mind you he's 6"0 and I'm 5"5 so fuck. We get into the car it's a van to be exact and my mum stops the music and it turns to me and him fighting about the hoes at that point I didnt care he was just being a bitch. Then he called me a hippo and a Faggot and a retard alot more slurs. After that we went to the restaurant still heated I came home went to my bathroom turned on the ice cold water and stopped under After two hours that felt like 5 mins. Went to bed cold and depressed. And worse about it my brother didn't give a rats ass about anything when he came home he played with his friends on the Xbox and screamed on the top of his lungs how he sucks and how his team is bad.

This is the normal truth of the Oatmeal household.

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info-bumping · 6 years

Text

About the mod &about the blog!!!

☆ I'm 19 and a half (I think it's important that you know it; if you're a minor and feel uncomfortable to interact because of that, it's totally okay and I understand!)

☆ I have ADHD (professionaly diagnosed) and questioning autistic (I mean I believe there's a high chance I'm on the spectrum but I don't want to say that before I'm 100% sure)

☆ I fully support self-dx'd people! I enourage getting a professional diagnosis because it could help a lot if you struggle with daily life, but if you are unable to do so, it's totally okay to say you're self-dx and get the help and support you need from the community.

Shortly to say, self-dx people are valid and I love you.

☆ I identify as non-binary, using pronouns she/her and they/them - both are cool, use whatever you're comfortable with :)

☆ my current hyperfixations are Paul Anka, Twin Peaks and Stephen King!

☆ my long lasting hyperfixations (some of them are since I was like, five) are animals, especially horses and dogs, Harry Potter, and music (different genres, lol)

☆ some huge hyperfixations I've had in the past and now are some sort of a background fandoms are Pink Floyd, Oscar Wilde, the victorian era and classical music (especially modern, I mean, the Weirdest stuff XD)

I don't engage in them a lot anymore, but if I come across them I just get super excited :)

☆ wow I rambled a lot about myself I'm sorry

Important:

☆ All sort of lgbt+phobes, pedophiles or other creeps, porn blogs, racist, sexiat, abelist or anti self-dx - are not accepted here. Don’t interact and don’t submit. Neurotypicals can follow and reblog, but please be respectful and aware of the fact that this blog is generally made for neurodivergent people.

No one should feel unsafe here and if you’re crossing lines or being an asshole, it’s completely unacceptable. Also, if you send hate on someone’s HF\SpIn, you’re out. This is a hate free blog.

A few notes &disclaimers about the blog

☆ it's safe for work. Please don't submit direct NSFW content, but if your HF or SpIn is related to NSFW, tick the NSFW tag in the submit.

☆ please state in the title the subject of your infodump - for instance, if it's about a film character, you can write the name of the film. If it's an actor - write their name. I want the infodumps tagged so you can find different things easily, so it would help me a lot if you say the subject of the infodump! :)

☆ If needed, PLEASE STATE SPOILER ALERTS at the beginning of the infodump. I can’t stress enough how much it sucks when a show\film\book you like is spoiled.

☆ you can ask to have your submission published anonymously - I'll just copy the text to a blank post, just ask me to post it anonymously :)

☆If you need anything tagged, feel free to ask!

☆please do not submit infodumps that include harmful things such as racist, sexist or abelist statements, lgbt+ phobia, using of harmful slurs (such as the r slur) etc.

Please tag with ‘trigger warning’ if your infodump contains things as self-harm, suicide, eating disorders and similars. If the subject of your infodump contains or mentions any of these things, please state that at the beginning of the submission.

I’ll go over the submissions and add tags if I find it necessary, but if you see something untagged that you think should be tagged - let me know.

I hope you enjoy the blog, this is all I have to say for now :)

#about the blog #mod post #not infodump #acutallyadhd #actuallyautistic #hyperfixation #special interest

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againstthegrainphoto · 7 years

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...too booked to be bothered...

....I might be a little overwhelmed right now...

...with all the work and photos and holidays and shit that’s going on.....

.....but I”ve been holding in so much word vomit, I really need to puke.

so unfortunately due to the fact that facebook is full of people who would judge me and tell me I am wrong and a horrible person and a victim shammer and racist and god knows whatever else after I get these thoughts out....you get them here tumblr! Call me whatever you want.....I couldn’t care less.

tumblr: where I hide nothing and am actually the most real to myself than any other god forsaken social media. I mean how well can you even know someone by their social media though? fucking ridiculous.

So sit down. buckle up. this is going to be an extremely long one, spanning many issues.

First off. I my uncle died on friday. I’ve been silent on the issue. Is it bad I mourn for my mom and his might as well be wife? Not so much him. He spent his life ruining it with drinking and smoking and bad choices that negatively affected those around him. He waited until he couldn’t talk before going to get a fucking TUMOR even assessed by a doctor. and didn’t even sign himself up for medicare until his brother basically did it for him after the “discovery” of the tumor. What do you mean he had throat cancer? I thought 60 years of smoking is good for you?!?!*shock* My heart breaks for my mom and his wife(ish). I am really worried that the wife(ish) is going to be like “well he gave up, so i might as well too”.....like even if it’s not a conscious thought or decision....maybe especially if its not. ya know? the whole situation just sucks.

People are so shitty to each other. So shitty. Like, I’m a not-really-participating-member of the “beauty community” or whatever you want to call it. But I am a fairly large consumer of the beauty world. I have a fucking addiction to makeup. I love it. I want it. I collect it. I spend way too much money on it. I buy it for my friends. I buy it for me. I buy it for my family. And I like to keep up on the front cutting edge of what’s happening and what’s new and what’s available and what is the very best product. I also can’t afford to purchase every high end makeup release, but I do like watching and hearing others opinions about them. It’s just sad to see that the more widely viewed/available/posting reviewers are such shady, backhanded, backstabbing people. And not just that, but fucking FAKE. their videos and such are so positive and good looking, but if you follow them in any other form they show they are such fake ass drama creating bullshit. not to name names, but I literally cannot stand jacylin hill or laura lee or nikki tutorials and thier fucking boring ass makeup and annoying high school personalities....yet they have their own fucking palettes? how are these people the ones that get their fucking name on the make up?? why don’t companies choose people with an ounce of creativity?!??! I’m not saying I love and adore jeffree star....but goddamn he makes cool original and creative products. I also am not a fan of kat von d......but if you make a fucking stunning product...I will buy it. (re: saint/sinner palette.......so far worth every penny....i love it....and really if you do the math you’re paying like $2.60 per shadow in that thing.....totally better than the serpentina palette I talk shit about every chance I get...).....Seeing them as so annoying makes watching their videos close to impossible because you develop such a hatred for them and who they are.

This halloween I had such a hard time stomaching all the bullshit that was being passed around regarding children’s costumes. In my mind I really do think that there is a line...and it’s not THAT gray.....between being disrespectful to a culture (ie “cultural appropriation”) and having an appreciation of a culture. Example: I shared an article about a Chilkat robe that was returned to alaska. I do not believe that having it hung in their house was WRONG. and I feel like I should have clarified this when I shared the article instead of just saying that I appreciated it. What I really appreciated was that an ORIGINAL FUCKING ARTIFACT was returned to its origin to be kept and studied and passed on for the heritage. Hanging native alaskan art I do not believe is wrong. FYI THEY FUCKING SELL IT. YOU CAN PURCHASE IT WHEN YOU GO THERE. THE NATIVE ARTISTS MAKE MONEY THIS WAY. THEY WANT YOU TO BUY IT AND HANG IT ON YOUR FUCKING WALLS. Hanging native american art in your house and admiring it’s beauty IS NOT FUCKING CULTURAL APPROPRIATION. Now what I do believe is not so great would be emphasizing things of a culture that are cliche or negative. Like dressing up as say like a Muslim terrorist for halloween.....That I believe is wrong. Most Muslims are not terrorists........you dressing up as that for halloween is not appreciating their culture...it’s you being part of the problem by promoting the idea that terrorists are Muslim and Muslims are terrorists......but your child wanting to dress up as Mulan or...what was it this year? Moana? right? like there was press about making sure your fucking 6 year old isn’t allowed to dress up as her. I do not think that is not cultural appropriation. The only reason why they would want to dress up like this is because they think this character is the greatest thing ever and want to be them. That is appreciation. And most likely they have zero regard for what color their hero’s skin is. It’s so horrible for a white little girl to want to be Pocahontas or Mulan but how many little not-white little girls wanted to be Ariel or Belle? or Aurora? AND STILL DO TO THIS DAY? no one talks about them? They should not be limited to only wanting to be the princess of their own skin color!! none of the children should. That’s how you fucking START racism is it not?? Jesus christ. I maybe pale as fuck......but just for the record I am a papered and registered native. Like I literally carry a card and have multiple certificates certifying that I am native. Like there is question to even whether or not “eskimo” is a negative slur now apparently. But that’s what my goddamn papers say I am. God I’m just so over all this “cultural appropriation” bullshit we are inundated with every goddamn day. We are all fucking humans. Let us (and children especially) appreciate what we personally like.

Moving on in this word spewing of views that I’m sure some of you don’t agree with.

Fucking sexual assault. Another thing I am so goddamn over right now. Does it need to stop? Fucking yes it does. Some of the things coming out of the woodwork are absolutely appalling. But the problem lies with.....well...THE LIES. Just like a dude is totally capable of sexually assaulting a girl....a girl is totally capable...if not even more capable...of lying about a dude assaulting her. And regarding this within the music scene.....Is there ARE groupies. There are tons and tons of fucking crazy fans out there. I’ve seen them with my own eyes. They’ve left weird comments on my own photos. And that’s partially the problem is that we believe an half crazed girl who says “*insert any talented hack with a bit of fame behind their name here* sexually assaulted me!!!” over any other facts. And if we don’t believe her we are “victim shaming”....Unfortunately, I have seen those that are crazy enough to say something like this to get a bit of fame. I have seen the girl who vaguebooks every goddamn day. I have seen the girl who fucks her way up the social ladder.....it’s only a matter of time before she’ll start claiming “abuse”. Do I think every case is fame fueled, career damaging, revenge for not paying attention to a fan, bat shit crazy bitch claiming sexual assault?....no. not at all. There are fucking disgusting dudes out there making music and have been proven time and time again that they are exactly what they are shown to be: sexual predators. I’m not going to name names.....but I know a couple names that come to the top of my mind. One never had my support......I mean you just can NOT have a target audience with an average age of 12 and have lyrics about “liking it better on the floor” and “make you wanna fuck all night” and “she sucks me till it snows, i’ll fuck her face so hard”.....I”M SORRY. NO. I’m getting pissed off just looking up these fucking horrible lyrics. fucking talentless joke of a human being. I also personally witnessed this person show his full ass to a crowd of fucking 12 year olds. Pretty sure that’s frowned upon and why the spd were out by his bus after the show. Of course....obviously....nothing serious came of it and it was swept under the rug. The other....just makes me sad. His own words were his own conviction. Calling out and berating girls while confessing his less than innocent relations with them in a public form seen by thousands. girl. bye. So it’s totally not that sexual assault doesn’t happen in the music scene.....but I’ve literally seen more fucking batshit crazy bitches than I have seen sexual preditors. I just feel like no one takes an objective view of it??? it’s all “SHE WAS ASSAULTED!!!! HE DESERVES HIS CAREER RUINED AND DEATH!!!”....no one is listening to the accused in these cases. it’s all a fucking head hunt......I’m seriously concerned for the band decapitation. they’ve been stuck out of their home country for months now. their band is ruined. their reputations are ruined. and unless they ACTUALLY fucking gang raped this spokane girl......well...their lives as they know it are over regardless.....if they actually did rape her then their lives are actually over and they get what they deserve.....BUT so much inconsistencies???....and one of the girls was pulled over for dui?....and is it really going to boil down to whether or not the girl gave consent?....I mean who can be the judge of that??? it’s all going to be on her word.....and she has a documented history of providing false information to the police before??.....christ....what a shitshow......so far the only musician that I can 100% back up the ruining of his career and his death is ian watkins from lostprophets. that dude can die and then fucking rot in purgatory....hell is too good for him.

moving on.

My local scene. my peeps. muh regulars. The division amongst them the past few months has been sad to me. The solidarity that we had a year ago is gone for good. I really don’t think it’s ever coming back. it’s like it got divorced. What’s funny is while I am a part of this group.....I am not TRULY a part of it. even though I consider it my own. I actually have very few friendships within this group, sure I’m facebook “friends” with all these people. But I am more a documenter of this subculture. yeah I look and like and dress the part. yeah I’m at most the events. yeah people are beginning to recognize me without me having ever met them. But but my true real connections are very few. Am I sad about this? no. not at all. I am 120% ok with this. By being someone who is basically outside looking in.......I can see things perhaps others don’t see. Some of the most “popular” people in this crowd........they are not the most beautiful people. And this has nothing to do with appearance. We are goth. We are all beautiful on the outside. But that just means I will avoid them. Basically if I avoid you.....that means I see you as a either negative input in my life and I don’t want it or I am unsure of how you feel about me. If I make an effort to spend time with you....that means I see you as a positive energy and I’ll take all I can get. lol. Honestly though. it’s like the cool photographer’s club.....the same people. at the same shows. every time. I don’t need it. I don’t need others approval. I don’t take photos for others. I take photos for me. if others enjoy them. that’s cool. But they’re for me. it’s like my image journal and/or catalogue of all the cool shit i’ve seen in my life. all the songs i’ve heard. My boss was all “I went to a concert once”......I’m like.....I’ve been to four in the past week and I’m drowning in photos. I think it’s bullshit to do free photos for national touring artists then charge the locals to even take photos. that’s being part of the problem. What new good bands are there? Everything happening right now is shit from the mid 2000s if not earlier. in the past like 18 months or so i’ve seen genitorturers, my life with the thrill kill kult, lords of acid, combichrist, christian death, incubus, jimmy eat world, wednesday 13, pig, orgy/julien k, iron maiden, gwar, vertical horizon, everclear, fastball, sabaton, eve 6, vanessa carlton, john 5, dope, lordi, powerman5000, pretty boy floyd, buckcherry, sebastian bach, opeth, faster pussycat, marilyn manson, slipknot, korn, rob zombie, 16 volt, tim skold, filter......HONESTLY the only newcomer with any staying power is fucking GHOST. which is why I’m even on this godforsaken site. Also in this moment might *MIGHT* have staying power....their show is pretty goddamn epic. It’s just not my thing though. I’m not into it. I mean....not gonna lie.....I liked the beautiful tragedy album.....when they played live they had screens with their logo on it and she was in a little yellow sundress and converse sneakers. Let me know if you want to see those photos. lolz. I laugh at those who photo for likes on facebook or instagram. it must be such a sad existence. A cool photog i’ve connected with recently is photoslavery...look her up......we have a lot of the same views on things and it’s refreshing to find another photog doing it for the fucking ART of doing it. also we use a similar arsenal of tricks.....which is funny......cause it’s a pretty unpopular/unknown?(doubtful)/unappreciated set up. But I obviously don’t listen to what’s known and popular. I heard a phrase the other day that just resonated with me....”too booked to be bothered”.....THAT IS ME. lol. I do not have time to be bothered by trivial things from irrelevant sources....

well I’ve been typing for ages. and I feel a bit better after I’ve vomited all this out. it’s been a rough few weeks.

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samanthasroberts · 6 years

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The 10 Most Difficult-to-Defend Online Fandoms

Oh, fandom. So passionate, so partisan—and, too often these days, so prolifically peevish. From Tumblr and Wattpad to more mainstream platforms like Twitter and Instagram, online communities have served as rallying points for stan armies: obsessives who comb over every interview and shred of non-news for information about the object of their adoration. But increasingly, fandoms' emotions have been curdling into a different kind of potion; something petty, entitled, conspiratorial, even abusive. So on the occasion of San Diego Comic-Con, one of the biggest fan events in the world, it's time for some tough love.

First, a note: this is a look at toxic strains that exist within a larger fandom, not an indictment of a given artist or person. Fandom is a pure and precious thing, and no one should feel conflicted about being invested in a pop-culture figure or property. If you express that investment by being a worse person, though—treating appreciation like warfare, demanding dogmatic purity tests, attacking people, or seeing yourself as some kind of a crusader—than it's probably time to take some time and re-assess things. We're sure nothing in the following catalog sounds like anything you've done in the name of fandom, right? Enjoy Comic-Con!

10. Barbz (Nicki Minaj Fandom)

The Barbz are a fiercely loyal sort. Case in point: In April, upon the release of Invasion of Privacy, a writer for British GQ explained how Cardi B had adopted Nicki Minaj’s style in a much more accessible way. “Nicki intimidates; Cardi endears,” she wrote. Minaj disciples responded with an all-out attack. The GQ staffer was flooded with malicious tweets, ranging from the direct (“I will kill u bitch”) to even more direct (“You better to delete that before we get your address and start hunting you and your family down!!”) The following month, the Barbz turned on one of their own when a self-proclaimed fan wondered aloud on Twitter: “You know how dope it would be if Nicki put out mature content? No silly shit, just reflecting on past relationships, being a boss, hardships, etc.” (Minaj took it further and DMed a disgustingly petty reply to the fan). For Barbz, fandom doesn’t allow for dissent—even when it's not dissent but a valid, healthy appraisal. This may come as a surprise, y'all, but love and criticism are not mutually exclusive.

9. Swifties (Taylor Swift Fandom)

Generally speaking, Taylor Swift’s fans aren’t bad—they just really love Swift and tend to be a little over-the-top about it. And most of the time, that’s what fandom is. (Also, this is a pop star who sends holiday presents to them; she’s earned their devotion.) But within that group, the “Bad Blood” singer has a few bad apples. There are those who go after Hayley Kiyoko for daring to point out that she shouldn’t be criticized for singing about women when Swift sings about men all the time. (Swift actually agrees with Kiyoko on that point.) There are Swifties who get bent out of shape when she doesn’t get nominated for enough awards. And then there are the white supremacists—fans Swift seems to have done nothing to court, but pop up anyway. Yeah, the ones who call her an “Aryan goddess”? Those are the ones who give her a bad reputation.

8. Zack Snyder Fans

Look, Zack Snyder's hardcore supporters have it rough. Or, well, they think they do. They’ve hitched their wagon to a star that occasionally blinks out. He’s made some OK movies (Dawn of the Dead, Watchmen) but he’s made even more that have been trashed by critics: Sucker Punch; Man of Steel; Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice. That's led to a persecution complex among more than a few of his stans. While this kerfuffle has died down a bit with Snyder's step back from the spotlight—recently, he has shifted focus to make iPhone movies and produce the DC movies rather than direct them—the coming years represent a reckoning. James Wan’s Aquaman and Patty Jenkins' Wonder Woman sequel are headed to theaters, and the receptions they get may determine whether critics have complaints with all DC movies, or just the ones with Snyder behind the camera. In the meantime, though, his own personal justice league will be there to defend it.

7. Rick and Morty Fans

Yes, Dan Harmon and Justin Roiland created a funny, smart, challenging (god, those burps) cartoon. Yes, it delivers a bizarro Back to the Future ride through both spacetime and genre tropes. Yes, it's the most STEM-conscious animated show since Futurama. But sweet tapdancing Pickle Rick, you've never seen a TV fandom more noisome than this one. There's the "this show is so smart normies don't get it" self-congratulation that's so over-the-top it became a copypasta meme; there's the propensity to doxx the show's female writers and generally be such venal stains that Harmon despises them; there's the mass freakout after McDonald's ran out of limited-edition Szechuan dipping sauce. (Yes, that's correct.) While Adult Swim recently renewed the show for 70 new episodes, there's going to be quite a lull before anyone sees a new episode—here's hoping the fans grow up a little bit in the meantime.

6. #TeamBreezy (Chris Brown Fandom)

It’s been almost a decade since reports first surfaced of Chris Brown’s violent abuse of then-girlfriend Rihanna. Since then, Rihanna has rocketed to pop superstardom while Brown’s career has strided along, aided by a loyal following that borders on enablers. Despite an earnest-seeming redemption tour, reports of Brown’s violent behavior continue to bubble up: Brown’s ex-girlfriend filed for a restraining order; Brown went on a homophobic Twitter rant; Brown punched a fan in a nightclub; Brown locked a woman in his home, without a cell phone, so she could be sexually assaulted. (Brown’s camp denies that last accusation.) Yet, Team Breezy generally attributes such reports to misinformation and "haters." Fandoms are built on stand-by-your-man loyalty, but at some point it becomes impossible to love the art in good conscience. If the #MeToo movement is any indication, the times have changed since Rihanna’s bloody face headlined gossip sites. Willful ignorance is no longer an acceptable choice.

5. XXXtentacion Fans

On June 18, outside of a Broward County motorcycle dealership, 20-year-old Jahseh Onfroy was fatally gunned down by two assailants. At the time of his death, Onfroy, who rapped under the moniker XXXTentacion, had already amassed a rare kind of fame: He attracted deep love and even deeper hate with a ferocious mania. The allure of Onfroy’s dark matter inspired the type of fandom that spills into violent obsession. A recurring source of vitriol for the rapper, and an easy target for his rabid fanbase, was his ex-girlfriend, Geneva Ayala, who filed multiple charges against the rapper (including aggravated battery of a pregnant woman, domestic battery by strangulation, and witness tampering). When it came to light that Ayala created a GoFundMe campaign to raise money for hospital bills due to damage inflicted by Onfroy, his fans bullied her into exile: forcing her to delete Instagram, hacking her Twitter account, harassing her at work to the point that she was left with no option but to quit, and shutting down her GoFundMe (it was later reopened). Having made a name for himself on Soundcloud, where he often engaged issues of mental health in his music, Onfroy willingly embraced his demons (he once called himself “lil dylan roof” on Twitter, referencing the Charleston shooter who murdered nine parishioners in South Carolina in 2015). But even now, in death, XXX is a reminder that extreme fandom has the power to blind people to the blood on their own hands.

4. Logang (Logan Paul Fandom)

Let’s get this out of the way up front. Many, even most, of Logan Paul’s fans are literal children. And so if you ask us who is really responsible for their bad behavior, we’re going to have to say the fault is predominantly with Paul and, you know, other adults. But the Logang (or the Logangsters, depending on who you ask), like Lil Tay, are inventing a new category of internet villain: the terrifying baby troll. They do all the things adult trolls do—parrot back the sexist and racist things Pauls says, stalk him outside hotel rooms, and harass and troll the “haters” daring to criticize their deeply problematic idol—but they’re kids! So you can’t really fire back at them without being a jerk yourself. Listen, Logang: all Logan wants to do is sell you merch. He’s not really your friend. Can I interest you in a puppy video?

3. Bro Army (Pewdiepie Fandom)

First rule of non-toxic fandoms: Don’t call yourselves "bro," don’t call yourselves an "army," and definitely don’t call yourselves the Bro Army. People might assume you’re a bunch of flame-war-loving trolls who think girls are icky—and where YouTuber PewDiePie’s fans are concerned, everyone would be absolutely right. It’s not just that they’ve stuck with the Swedish gamer/alleged comedian as he peppered his videos with racial slurs, rape jokes, anti-Semitism, and homophobia for nearly a decade (though that’s bad enough). It’s also that they insist that PewDiePie somehow isn’t being hateful at all. Oh, and if you quote their hero back at them, they’ll wallpaper your social media accounts with thoughtful messages about how you suck—for years.

2. The Dark Side of Star Wars Fandom

The most recent eruption has been a hilariously non-ironic campaign to remake The Last Jedi, but that's sadly just the latest in a long line of online grossness from the entitled Sith-heads who are so keen on reclaiming the Star Wars universe . Somehow, Gamergate has come to a galaxy far, far away; hectoring, harassment, even death threats aimed at director Rian Johnson. To be clear, this is a tiny (if vocal) subset of Star Wars fandom, which on the whole is as joyous and inclusive as the universe is finally becoming. But to to quote our own Adam Rogers:

"Everyone has a right to opinions about movies. Everyone has a right, I guess, to throw those opinions in the face of the people who make those movies, though it does seem at minimum impolite. Everyone has the right to ask transnational entertainment companies to make the movies they want, and if those companies don’t respond, to stop giving the companies money. But harassment, threats, jokes about someone’s race or gender? A Jedi would fight someone who did that stuff. The Force binds us all together. Hatred and anger are the ways of the Dark Side; they may bring power, but at a cost. It harms individuals, debases the people who do it, and it breaks the Fellowship. In the end, the cost of that power will be powerlessness."

1. Elon Musk Acolytes

"Always punch up" is a good life motto. You’ll accomplish a lot by speaking truth to power; dissecting the misdeeds of a relative unknown, though, makes you look like a tool. That’s why, despite the plethora of dark and toxic fandoms that flourish on the fringes of the internet, the group that tops our list of nasties is devoted to a person at the internet's very center: Elon Musk. To his fan club, Musk is so much more than a charismatic artist, a talented musician, or, hey, a flawed but successful tech entrepreneur—he’s a messiah, a vestige of an age of retrograde masculinity, when a reasonably successful man could expect his ideas to remain unchecked and his words be read as gospel. And Musk wields his one-man metaphor status (and his 22.3 million follower army) to whack out any dissenting opinions. “Because before he commented on my tweet, it was floundering in relative obscurity,” science writer Erin Biba wrote in a piece for the Daily Beast. But after Musk’s dismissive response, Biba found herself drowning in hate mail and abuse. By letting his mob pick over opinions he does not like, Musk is able to control the narrative, playing up investigative reporting on Tesla’s poor labor practices as a misinformation campaign—or even, in some recent deleted tweets, insinuating that one of the people involved with the Thai cave rescue efforts is a pedophile. It’s bad to be thin-skinned, and terrible to play the underdog, but playing it while you ignite a million-man bullying campaign is reprehensible.