#should we pressure him into making an apology video for his real life readers? for killing a Nazi in dc comic???

[jasontoddenthusiastt]

No, I was not disappointed by how Jason was written in the comics in post crisis. Even when written by authors who just could not grasp the depth of his character (let alone a consistent plot), I can’t say I disagreed with him! He’s compelling and has the kind of magnetism and self-awareness most other characters lack.

What I do find mildly disappointing however (tbh Idc, it’s not my brain), is the ever-increasing number of self-appointed social justice warriors of fiction with a prominent lack of critical thinking skills casually wandering into the tag acting like they have some grandiose point to make that will sway us misguided Jason fans into seeing the ultimate truth; that we actually should not enjoy the canon version of our favorite fictional character because of xyz sins, and that any characteristic he had was actually made up.

[wkemeup]

Closure

summary: Y/n finds the closure she’s been searching for.  pairings: bucky x reader warnings: grief, the end of the series a/n: ok guys, we’re at the end. I hope you enjoy the final installment in this series. Thanks for all the love and support! 🧡 series masterlist / series playlist

You didn’t realize you were lingering in the back seat of the taxi until the driver cleared his throat, gesturing to the expired meter. Vision coming back into focus, you turned to find Bucky holding the door open for you, a pinch in his brow of concern. Sunlight danced down from over his shoulders, the cool breeze slipping through his hair. Hanging from the reflective onyx of his left hand was a bouquet of flowers.  

“Coming, sweetheart?” Patience coated Bucky’s voice, a gentle smile on his lips.  

You spared a short glance to the driver whose eyes met you in the rearview mirror – unreadable and impatient as he tapped his fingers on dashboard. You muttered out a quick apology and took Bucky’s hand. The air was crisp against your skin, the smell of freshly cut grass and the chirp of birds lingering around you. It had been a while since you’d ventured this far out of the city, to the town you’d grown up in.  

Bucky’s right hand felt sturdy against your own – something real and tangible – as he tugged you forward beyond what your feet allowed. He offered a squeeze as you stepped onto the cobblestone path. You tried not to look at the sea of tombstones around you or the flowers planted at the head of the graves. Ribbons propped up on iron stands and wreaths honoring fallen heroes.  

You followed the familiar path, weaving through pathways and following a guide you’d thought was long forgotten. Bucky didn’t say a word as he allowed you to lead him through the cemetery, but you could feel his gaze lingering on the headstones bearing remembrance ribbons. A soft, saddened smile ghosted his lips.  

You hadn’t realized you’d stopped walking or that you’d found your destination until Bucky squeezed your hand again.  

Riley’s name stared back at you. Etched in stone, barely weathered since its marbling. A garland hung around the headstone, likely courteous of Riley’s mother judging by the stunning arrays of pinks and reds in the flowering. A gold ribbon sat at its base. You didn’t allow your eyes to drift to the dates listed under Riley's name, to be reminded of the dash that connected the year he was born to the one that stole him away. He was so young... so young... 

Bucky nudged the bouquet into your grip, but you clenched your hand to a fist, unable to take it. If he was thrown by it, you couldn’t tell. Instead, you felt the warm touch of his lips press to your hairline before he knelt down over Riley’s grave and set the flowers under his name.  

Bucky took his time returning to you. His right hand still entangled in yours, though the metal of his left rested at the top of the headstone as if laying upon a shoulder. You could see his lips moving, a breath of a laugh in his voice, though you couldn’t tell what he was saying.  

When he was finished, Bucky brushed the blades of grass from his knees. “Do you want some time alone?” 

You shook your head. You hadn’t been to the grave since the funeral and Sam had barely been able to keep you upright then. You’d hoped it would be easier with Bucky at your side, but a paralyzing guilt swarmed in and plagued through your body— physical as it warped in your stomach, your entire body clenched as if it were made of stone. 

“Is this wrong?” you whispered, a tear slipping over your cheek. The breeze kissed it away. “Do you think... Is it wrong of me to bring you here? Would he... Would he be angry with me for—” 

“No,” Bucky replied sincerely. He gathered you into his arms, the firm pressure of his left holding you steady as the gentle embrace of the right ran soothing patterns along your spine. “No, sweetheart. If Riley was anywhere close to the man you’ve told me about, I know he’d want you to be happy. He wouldn’t want you to close yourself off to the world for his sake. I know that if things were reversed, I wouldn’t want that for you, either.” 

You nodded into Bucky’s chest, daring a glimpse at the headstone as you held him tightly against you.  

“He’s a part of you. I understand that,” Bucky eased, no trace of jealousy on his tongue. “I’m honored that you asked me to come with you, that you wanted me to meet him. I owe Riley a lot. I owe him my life, I think.” 

You squeezed your hold around Bucky’s waist, understanding. Without Riley, you would have never crossed Bucky’s path, never would have met in the empty library at the VA or got coffee at Luciana’s or fallen in love under the oak tree in the park. You shuddered to think about what would have become of him if he’d never left his apartment that day, if he’d kept himself holed up for an eternity, blind to the light.  

“It’s a selfish thought, I know,” Bucky admitted. “I hope wherever he is, he knows that you’re safe. That you’re taken care of and loved. Riley was a good man, Y/n. He deserved to come home. He... He deserved this life.” 

The life Bucky currently had.  

He didn’t say it aloud, but you knew that was what he meant.  

The truth was, you weren’t certain if you and Riley would have made it together, even if he did come home from his second tour. He would have wanted to go back again and you would have let him, just to see him smile through the video screen. His nights at home would have been spent in agony.  

Riley was a good man. A man determined to fight for his country, even if it cost him everything. Including you.  

“He would have liked you,” you mumbled into Bucky’s sweater.  

“I fell in love with his girl,” Bucky chuckled. “I’m not too sure about that.” 

A smile lifted your cheeks, settling a hand against his chest to lift your gaze to his. Blue eyes shined back at you. 

“You were right, though.” The smile that graced Bucky’s lips was enough to ease the tension in your muscles. You felt the breeze nip at your ankles, drawing you closer to his embrace. “You make me happy. Riley would have liked you on that alone.” 

Bucky kissed at your temple as you turned to face Riley’s name upon the stone. The flowers danced against the gust of wind as it picked up a petal fallen at the roots. You watched as it swirled up into the air, spinning and fluttering as it were simply made to fly.

“We should head over to Sam’s before dinner gets cold,” you said after some time.  

“He’d have our heads,” Bucky agreed, a laugh in his chest purring against your ear.  

He started to lead you back to the road, but he stopped when he felt your hesitancy. Your eyes were drawn on the headstone, lingering. Bucky's lips grazed the crown of your head as he pulled away from you, stepping back as he nudged where you needed to go.  

You sighed, taking the last few steps up to Riley’s grave alone. Slowly, you bent to your knees, placing a tentative hand over the grass. Six feet below, you hoped it still laid over his heart. You closed your eyes, your fingers curling into the warm comfort of sun soaked greenery.  

There weren’t words to convey what you’d wanted to tell him in that moment.  

The aching of his loss. The regret you felt when you’d allowed him to leave. The missteps in your relationship.  

The love you would always carry for him. The gratitude in leading you to Bucky. The healing you’d learned by befriending Sam. The gifts he’d given you in his absence.  

The pink petal that had been twirling amongst the breeze landed on your fingertips. The feather light sensation of it nearly slipped your notice. Tears slid over your cheeks, though they were born of a bittersweet relief. You turned your hand over to gently grasp the petal in your hold, running your fingers over the smooth edges.  

Sensing Bucky’s eyes on you, the pride beaming on his face, you tucked the petal into your pocket. He extended a hand to you and when you rose, you didn’t feel the weight pushing down on your shoulders. The presence of the petal in your pocket granted you its lightness.  

And as Bucky’s hand wrapped around yours, you felt the gentle push of the breeze as it drifted you closer to his embrace.  

[tuiccim]

Terrigenisis (Part 20)

Pairing: Stucky x Inhuman!Fem!Reader

Word Count: 1.7K

Summary: After undergoing terrigenisis unwillingly your life is turned upside down when you are deemed too dangerous to return to life as a civilian. You are put with the Avengers team to train and rebuild. As you hone your powers and skills, you must also decide if you can find home and love again. Or is your curse to be a lonely wanderer forever?

Warnings: Fluff, Smut (NSFW 18+)

Dividers by @firefly-graphics​

Terrigenisis Series Masterlist

The following afternoon, the entire team is back at the compound and doing a team training session. You, Steve, and Bucky use the opportunity to announce your engagement. Your teammates are excited and hugs and well wishes surround you. 

“Can I be the flower girl?” Wanda jokes as she hugs you. 

“Dizzy’s already claimed that honor,” you laugh.

“Alright, alright! Let’s get to work. We need to be in perfect sync for the mission.” Steve redirects everyone’s attention. 

“You got it, Cap!” you salute him as you get into position. Two hours later, you break from the drills and begin to disburse when you pull up your phone. “What the hell?” you say as you see your social media had blown up with comments and messages. You pull up your feed and begin reading. You can feel the color drain from your face. 

“Doll, are you okay?” Bucky is the first to notice you frozen in shock. 

“I… the… I don’t understand.” You feel like throwing up reading the words whore, slut, and many other disgusting slurs left on your account. Bucky pulls your phone from your hand and looks at it. 

“What the fuck?” He yells.

Steve speeds over and looks at the phone that Bucky holds out to him. 

“I don’t understand,” you say again, trembling. Bucky puts his arms around you. 

“Uhhh, guys,” Tony says as he pulls up a video.

The spokesman for one of the biggest celebrity tabloids flashes a picture of Steve and Bucky on the screen and says, “Speculation has always run wild on the love life of Captain America, Steve Rogers, and The Winter Soldier, Bucky Barnes, but they’ve always kept it hush-hush. Now, a source close to the Avengers has come forward to give us the down and dirty details. Allegedly, our shield throwing hero doesn’t have just a girlfriend, but a boyfriend as well. Way to play both sides, Captain. We’ve been told that Captain America is dating none other than his two teammates, The Winter Soldier and Artemis, the newest member of the Avengers.”

“Artemis! The fuck?” you exclaim as a picture of the three of you is displayed on the screen. 

“Seen here at one of Tony Stark’s exclusive parties, the three have allegedly been dating for several months. But, according to our source, two men aren’t enough for the voracious Artemis, she’s also in a relationship with none other than the villainous Loki of Asgard,” the spokesman continues. Another picture from the party flashes up of you and Loki laughing together. Your stomach is rolling as this apparently isn’t the end of the slanderous story, “Artemis, an Inhuman with the skills of a linguist and animal trainer, joined the team a year ago and has apparently had her hooks in every man she’s come across since then. Our source claims she had affairs with Tony Stark, Clint Barton, and Sam Wilson before settling on the three she dates now. There is also some speculation surrounding the death of her first husband. Is she the real black widow of the Avengers?”

The video ends and you clutch your stomach, “I’m gonna be sick.” Running to the bathroom, you barely make it to the toilet before you lose your lunch. Bucky and Steve are right behind you. 

“Doll, it’s okay. It’s gonna be okay.” Bucky soothes as he rubs your back. 

You sit back against the wall and begin to sob. Steve pulls you into his lap and Bucky’s arms surround you both. 

“It’s gonna be okay, sweetheart. We’ll fix this.” Steve says as he rubs your back. 

“We’ll get through it, doll. Whatever we have to do. We won’t let this stand.” Bucky reassures you. 

When the sobs begin to subside, you look at the two of them and nod. They help you stand and you wash out your mouth. When you return, the team is still standing around together. 

“Okay, kids. Artie is on his way and formulating a plan as we speak to work this out. We’ll demand a retraction of the slander. The PR team is going through your social media and deleting and blocking any negative comments. There are several groups who are rallying behind you all and your relationship. We’ve got your back, kid.” Tony puts a hand on your shoulder and you nod weakly. 

Wanda hugs you and you nearly break down again. Natasha looks as if she’s plotting murder with Clint. You notice Sam is missing. 

“Let’s go to our room and rest until Artie gets here. It’ll probably be a long meeting.” Bucky suggests. 

“Yeah, okay,” you follow his lead out. Shortly after the three of you get to your room there’s a knock on the door. Steve opens it and lets Sam into the room. 

“I, uh… I’m so sorry.” Sam stutters uncharacteristically and can’t quite meet your eyes. 

“Kaziah,” you state.

“Yeah. I’m pretty sure. I’m so sorry. I swear I never said anything like that to her. I would never disrespect you like that.” Sam explains. 

“It’s not your fault, Sam,” you reassure him. 

“But I did tell her about you guys. And how you lost Charlie and became an Inhuman. I’m so sorry.” 

“You trusted her. I’m so sorry she betrayed you like that,” you hug Sam’s neck. “I know you must be so hurt that she did that. Maybe she was jealous about our torrid love affair.”

Sam breaks a smile, “I do have a way with the ladies.” 

“Your spirit is unbreakable. Already cracking jokes,” Steve puts his arms around you. 

“I think it’s laugh or cry at this point. I’d rather laugh. I’m sure there will be more tears later,” you say. “I need a shower.”

“That’s my cue to leave.” Sam quips. 

“Sam,” you call. 

“Can you tell Tony, please? He can probably find out for sure.” 

“Yeah. Of course.” Sam exits. 

“Alright, doll. Let’s get that shower.” Bucky pulls you into the bathroom. You stand under the spray minutes later with Bucky and Steve on each side of you. You wash each other gently, sharing soft touches and loving caresses. No matter what anyone ever says about your relationship and your love, you will never give up these two men. The loves of your life. 

Your stomach twists for a moment. Loving Steve and Bucky does not negate your love of Charlie. The accusation of killing him was what hurt more than anything else. If it hadn’t been for Terrigenisis you would still most likely be happily married to Charlie. It reaffirms to you that perhaps there really is a reason that everything happens. Which means there is a reason for this happening. You just couldn’t figure out what it was quite yet. 

“Team meeting in the conference room, immediately.” Friday chimes into your thoughts. 

Ten minutes later, the team is sitting around the conference table facing Artemus "Artie" Pithins, Director of Public Relations, and Tony. 

“We apparently have another Artemis now.” Artie chuckles as he greets you. 

“Wasn’t my decision but if it means I am as formidable as you I’m honored,” you smile as you shake Artie’s hand. 

“Charming under pressure. I love it. We’ll get through this.” Artie reassures you. When everyone is seated Artie addresses the team, “I’d like to begin by telling you all, we have confirmed the source of the leak and that person is being dealt with accordingly. Next, I give this story no credence, but I do need to go through it piece by piece to confirm what is truth and what is lies.”

“We understand.” Steve affirms.

“Are you in a polyamorous relationship as described?” Artie addresses Steve. 

“Yes,” Steve replies. 

“I see. Sgt. Barnes and our newly dubbed Artemis are your boyfriend and girlfriend?” Artie asks. 

“No, they’re my fiancees.” Steve counters. 

“Oh, Congratulations.” Artie’s wheels are turning as he continues down his list of questions. He turns to you next, “Are you in any type of relationship with Prince Loki Odinson?”

“He’s a close friend and my training partner,” you say calmly. 

“But no romantic relationship now or previously?” Artie confirms.

“No,” you reply. 

“Mr. Stark, are you now or have you ever been in a sexual relationship-”

“No, never.” Tony interrupts rolling his eyes. 

“Mr. Bar-”

“No,” Clint says curtly.

“Also, no.” Sam pipes in before the question can be asked. 

“And the last claim I won’t even dignify. That will be retracted with an apology if I have anything to say about it. I know this is not the most couth question but I need to ask. Have any of the three of you had a sexual relationship with another teammate?” Artie states.

“No,” the three of you say practically in unison. 

“Well, then I think we have the perfect solution already in the works. We’ll need the two of you to do a couple of interviews to dispel the rumors and we’ll use that time to also announce the wedding of Captain America and Artemis.” Artie smiles at you. 

“You mean the three of us, Captain America, The Winter Soldier, and Artemis,” you say. 

“The polyamorous relationship is not going to play well, but if we can shift the story from that relationship to the romance that grew out of you joining the team and throw a spectacular wedding, we’ll have nothing to worry about it,” Artie explains.

“No,” you say, looking between Steve and Bucky. 

“Let’s reconvene in two hours. Take the time to discuss it. You have a lot to consider.” Artie closes the meeting. 

Back in your room, you sit on the couch with your head in your hands. 

“Doll?” Steve sits beside you and puts a hand on your back. 

You look up at him, “Do you want to go through with this charade? Leave Bucky out of the ceremony? Everything this entails?”

“I’m pretty sure I’d be best man in Stevie’s wedding no matter what,” Bucky tries to lighten the mood. 

“You should be a groom in it, baby,” you counter.

“I know, I know, doll,” Bucky sits on the other side of you, “But it’d just be a show for the public. We can have a ceremony with just our friends after. Or before. However you want.”

“Is that what you think, Stevie?” you ask.

“Here’s what I’m thinking…”

Part 21

Tuiccim’s Masterlist

Updates and taglist: Due to the unreliable nature of tags, I no longer keep a taglist. Updates for series are made weekly. Please follow my sideblog @tuiccimfanfiction​​ and turn on notifications for updates. All series and new stories will be reblogged to it. You will only receive notifications when a new part or story is out! Nothing else will be blogged to the page. I can’t thank you enough for your support!

[wherevermyway]

step out! do what you want (chapter six)

pairings: reader/bang chan, reader/han jisung side pairings: 
established changbin/minho, reader/bang chan/han jisung rating: explicit | 18+ warnings: someone dies this chapter so fucking big ass warning here! angst, violence, graphic descriptions of violence, minor drug use, use of firearms, description of graphic injuries, profanity, drug dealer!au, organized crime!au. word count: about 3,750 also can be found on my AO3 here! chapter/series navigation

chapter six: counting all the minutes and the days have been counting me

recommended tracks: another life by motionless in white, palette by iu and g-dragon, chanel by frank ocean, boy with luv (disco-funk mashup) by bts/seokjinnie, I’m upset by drake, love song by lana del rey, levanter (english version) by stray kids, voodoo people (pendulum remix) by the prodigy, straight to video (kmfdm remix) by mindless self indulgence, break me shake me by savage garden, ride it by regard; rush over me by seven lions/illenium/said the sky. playlist can be found here!

note: I am so sorry for this chapter. damn you, toastie. this is also a lot shorter than most chapters, so apologies in advance. took a lot out of me this time lol.

disclaimer: any reference to persons in this work of fiction are purely coincidental. the characters referenced from Stray Kids are interpretations loosely based on their personalities in the group and do not represent the real people behind the personas. if this, or any of the content included in the warnings above make you uncomfortable, please stop reading now.

side note: for the love of minho’s cats, don’t mix party drugs or drugs with alcohol.

“We need to go,” Changbin presses, pushing himself off of the doorframe and fiddling with his phone. “I’ve got the arsenal in the car, so you just need to get your body armour on and we can go.”

“I don’t want her coming with,” Christopher says, ruffling a hand through his hair, “it’s going to be too dangerous.”

“We don’t have a fucking choice,” Changbin grumbles, focusing on something on his phone. “Besides, I need her with so we can coax Minji out. Get her distracted enough to give us the upper hand.”

Christopher grumbles, ready to argue with Changbin, but decides against it at the last minute. He turns, kneeling down next to the bed. He pulls a hefty chest out from under the bed, unlocking it and throwing it open. He digs around a bit, tossing up a vest to you. “I think this will fit you,” he says without looking up, continuing to dig through the chest. “Jisung, take this,” he says, tossing another vest at the lean man.

“Let’s go,” he says as you slip the vest on. “We’ll make this work, alright? I’ll keep you covered as best as I can.” Christopher steps to your left, placing a hand on the small of your back.

“I’ve got you, too,” Jisung says, popping up on your right from behind you. He puts his hand over Christopher’s and smiles at you.

The walk down to the car is quiet, the dry air filled with tension. Minho is leaning up against the car, picking at something under his fingernails. Seungmin is in the driver’s seat, fumbling around with something on his phone. You all pack yourselves into the car, squeezing yourself in between Jisung and Christopher at the very back of the van.

Changbin sits in the seat in front of you, rifling through a duffel bag on the floor. “Alright,” he says, checking the mechanisms on a semi-automatic he pulls out, “here’s how this is going to go. Minji and Hyunjin are caught up in one of the Triad’s properties in Songpa-gu. If we’re lucky, there will be minimal men there and we’ll get in and get out.”

“This mostly goes for you, Jisung,” Changbin says, trying not to roll his eyes as he looks at the silver-haired man, “but don’t kill Hyunjin. I need him alive to get information on the Triads. Minji, I don’t care about. I’ve all but confirmed that she is just a pawn in their game. Nothing more than a drug trafficker.”

Jisung scoffs, grabbing the duffel bag off the floor. “Yeah, whatever,” he says, grabbing a pistol out of the bag and handing it to Christopher, “Give me some credit, man, I’m not that trigger-happy.”

Felix laughs, possibly for the first time since you met him. “There was that one time in Busan,” he starts, but Jisung cuts him off.

“It was one time!” He shouts, throwing a stray cloth at the man in front of him. “You’re lucky I didn’t shoot you! I totally should have shot you. Asshole.”

“Aish,” Changbin rolls his eyes, passing a pistol up to Minho in the seat ahead of him. “I don’t want you to have to fight, baby, but I’d feel better if you had this on you.”

“Aw, come on,” Minho winks at Changbin. “Remember that one time we were in Daegu and I had to cover your ass because your pistol got jammed? I very distinctly remember you thanking me over and over again in the back of that sports car and a couple times in the hotel.”

Changbin grits his teeth in embarrassment, blushing as he looks down. “Whatever, just take the fucking pistol.” Minho laughs at the man as he turns around.

The drive couldn’t have taken more than an hour; it felt like Seungmin had a habit for speeding. The city skyline zoomed past you, and you started to recognize the neighbourhoods of Seoul as you drove past. You got to an industrial area of Songpa-gu, somewhere you weren’t familiar with, when you stop.

Seungmin turns the car off, turning to look at Changbin, then the other men in the car. “They’re here. Are you ready?” Changbin takes in a shallow inhale, turning to Christopher. Christopher nods in response, pulling the semi-automatic rifle in his hands closer to his chest.

Felix and Jeongin lead the group of you up to large bay door of an abandoned warehouse. The vest around your chest started to feel as if it was smothering you. You could have sworn you had seen this place in some bad drama; it seemed stereotypical and expected. Group gets ambushed at the warehouse, someone gets shot, end scene. Roll credits.

The pit in your stomach grew as you realized Minji wasn’t going to make it out of here alive. The woman you knew and had gotten close to over the past year was a facade. This Minji was a lie, and she used you to get some sort of personal gain. Felix, Jeongin, and Changbin walk in front of the bay doors, their fingers on the triggers of their rifles, ready to aim if someone got in their way.

The air is tense, and a moment of silence passes before Changbin waves the rest of you over. “I’ve got your friend here, Moon,” he says as you walk towards him, looking at Minji. She and Hyunjin are standing in the middle of the floor, in front of a table with suitcases lined around it, surprised to see all of you. It looked as if they were packing the suitcases with packets of drugs.

“I know you’re alone here,” Changbin continues, “so don’t try to act tough. The Triads can’t be too far away, but they were dumb enough to leave you alone. Tells me you’re not worth their time.”

“Moon Minji,” Changbin says, quickly correcting himself, “or should I address you as Tian Xiaoli, the name you're more comfortable with?”

Minji grits her teeth as she pulls the pistol off of her hip, aiming it haphazardly at Changbin. He manages to stay in one position, completely unfazed by her threat. “Joined the Triads four years ago,” he continues, “they’ve used you as a decoy to push drugs in and out of Seoul since nobody ever expects a good, rich Korean girl to traffic drugs. Maybe I should say Korean-presenting? Fake passport, fake birth certificates. Several drivers licenses in different countries. You’re a busy woman.”

The pistol in Minji’s hand quivers, “What do you know about me? I didn’t just need the money, if you grew up in the same house I did, you’d have done anything to get out. All that pressure to succeed and getting nowhere?”

“Honestly,” Changbin chuckles, waving his hands in the air, “if I had gotten to you sooner, I’m sure we could have worked something out. Probably gotten you a better deal. Way better than whatever Hwang could get you.”

Hyunjin places his hand up against Minji’s back, positioning his free hand above the pistol on his hip. “You’re too drunk with power,” he sighs, “there’s no way for me to move up. You think you’re so good because you know everything, but you ain’t shit. You know the Triads are taking over Seoul, and it’s killing your business.”

Changbin scoffs, folding his arms. “You never put in the fucking effort.”

“What do you know?” Hyunjin growls, his eyes turning dark with anger. “You were practically handed this position, and we all know you didn’t deserve it.”

“Whatever,” Changbin says with a scoff, rolling his eyes at his junior. “You know you would never make it anywhere close to the top, and you can’t handle it. You never would have gotten as far as you did if it wasn’t for me and Christopher pulling you along the way. You’re barely useful enough to sell guns out of our group.” Hyunjin scowls, taking his pistol and aiming it directly at you. You’re frozen in place, your legs refusing to move. It feels almost as if you’ve sprouted roots from your feet, attaching you into the ground.  “You know I’m a good shot, though.”

The threat causes a panic to light up inside you. You want to move, but the roots taking hold of your feet don’t allow it to happen. Changbin takes a hasty step in front of you, his hands bringing his rifle in front of him, and Christopher moves to shove you out of the way.

Hyunjin hesitates for a second, but the ripping of gunshots fills your ears. You feel a searing pain in your left leg as the root keeping you in the ground dissolves. In a split second, you’re looking up at the ceiling, the scaffolding reaching up to the sky like tree branches. There’s something about the scenery that reminds you of being a child, laying on the ground at the playground absorbing the sunshine. It feels like there’s a ray of sunshine boring into your leg, searing you in two.

“Changbin!” You hear someone screaming, pulling you out of your daydream and back to reality.

“You good-for-nothing backstabber,” you hear Changbin spit out. You gently lift your head up, taking in the moment. There’s blood everywhere, spilling from your leg, and also coming from Changbin’s back in front of you. You’re convinced that you can see through him.

Changbin aims his semi-automatic towards Minji and Hyunjin, carefully aiming the gun as best as he can at them. He’s able to sink a couple shots in Minji, then he turns his attention to Hyunjin when she hits the ground with a thud. “I can’t believe you,” he groans, directing his rage at Hyunjin, “you fucking coward.” He unloads a couple more shots into Hyunjin’s leg, then groans as he hits the floor.

“Changbin!” The voice screams again, louder this time. Minho shouts at the top of his lungs, rushing to Changbin as he falls. Christopher reaches out to grab him, but the smaller man just slips out of his grip. He mutters something under his breath, swapping out the magazine of his pistol.

Jisung comes bolting around the corner, aiming directly at Minji with his semi-automatic. You see him take in a quick breath before he unloads the magazine in his rifle directly into her. She reaches her pistol up towards you, but it falls from her hand as she completely collapses into the ground.

Hyunjin falls against the wall, staring down at the literal bloodbath at his feet. “Holy shit,” he breathes out shakily, his hands trembling as he grips his hair, “Changbin, Minho, Chan, I…”

“Shut the fuck up, you traitor,” Jisung spits out, pulling the pistol holstered at his hip. He cocks it, aiming it at Hyunjin’s head. “I should unload this into your fucking skull, but you’re of more use alive to me than dead. So, you’d best pray to God that I’ll show you mercy as long as I need to keep you around.”

Changbin grips Minho’s collar, pulling him close. “Baby,” he groans out, “I’m sorry I never got to finish that song for you.”

“Binnie, baby,” Minho cries out, grabbing Changbin’s face, “don’t apologize. You’ll finish the song. You’ll finish an entire album for me.”

Changbin weakly smiles, dragging his fingertips across Minho’s face. “If I had the chance to do this all again,” he says, coughing up thick, viscous blood, “I would have asked you to marry me the minute you got out of the hospital. You were always my person. Fuck,” he says, with a deep, heavy cough, “you were always my person, Minho. I’m so glad I got to know you, that I got to love you. So glad I got to be your person.”

Minho’s face contorts into a strange shape, reflecting an expression you can’t quite comprehend. “Baby,” he whines, “you will still have the chance. I will marry you a thousand times over as long as you’re here, I promise, Binnie. I love you so much. Just stay with me.”

But the pleading he tries has no effect. Changbin slips from Minho’s grasp, his body going limp. The two of them sit there, Minho gripping Changbin as tightly as he can. Minho pulls Changbin to his chest, keeping him there for as long as humanly possible.

When he realizes that Changbin can’t, and won’t, respond, Minho screams. He screams from the bottom of his soul, for as long as he can possibly manage. Hearing him scream in such a raw, primal way makes your stomach turn.

Christopher is the first to move, working his way towards Changbin and Minho. “Min,” he whispers, “let me help you get-”

However, Minho has none of it. He looks up at Christopher, his eyes burning red, “No, I won’t let you,” he whimpers. “I am not leaving Changbin; I’m not going to let him go.”

Christopher runs his hands through his hair, tears threatening to spill from the corners of his eyes. Felix and Seungmin make their way to Hyunjin, picking him up and carrying him out of the room. Jeongin slowly paces his way to where Minji lies, kicking her shoulder with the tip of his boot.

“Unbelievable,” he mutters under his breath, “I can’t believe any of this.” Jeongin turns, slowly pacing his way to you. He kneels down and offers you a hand. “Are you okay?”

You don’t really know how to answer him, so you simply shake your head. “Changbin,” falls from your lips, as you look at the way Minho grips Changbin in his arms. Jeongin shakes his head twice, reaching his hand up to wipe a tear off of your face.

“It’s what we do,” he says at a near-whisper. “We protect civilians, and if one of us is out of line, we take care of it. Any one of us would have taken a bullet for you, it just happened to be Changbin this time.”

“But, I didn’t-“ you try to say, but he cuts you off, putting his finger over your lips.

“I know.” Jeongin nods. “But this is how it happened. Nothing we can do now.”

You’re not really sure how much time slips forward as you sit in the quiet, cold warehouse. Felix tied a tourniquet to your leg at some point, mentioning that it probably wasn’t going to be too serious, but he would take a look at it when you all got back to the safehouse. At some point, Seungmin and Jisung take Changbin from Minho, where he completely collapses.

Minho’s face is void of expression; you stare at him as he gazes beyond you, far off in the distance. There’s a large amount of drying blood covering him from his shoulders down to his ankles. Felix says something to him, saying he needed to check Minho for any additional wounds, but the older man doesn’t respond.

“Minho,” Christopher says, leaning down to him, grabbing his shoulder and trying to get him upright. “We can’t stay here forever. The longer we’re out here, the more likely we’ll run into the Triads.” The brunette ignores Christopher’s request, continuing to stare off somewhere far behind you.

“February sixteenth,” he manages to whisper out, his voice cracking as he says it.

“What?” Christopher lets go of Minho’s arm, cocking his head to the side.

“He said ‘I love you’ on February sixteenth last year.” Minho whispers, closing his eyes, “it was the first time he told me that he loved me. We were in Shibuya. He just finished signing Jeongin, and he had finished recording a demo album and he was so excited. Everything was finally going well.”

Minho slowly sits up, keeping his eyes closed. “He wanted to go to Canada or Australia this winter, get married. Actually, legally married. He even jokingly said something about a romantic wedding somewhere in Europe. Of course,” he sighed, letting his head fall into his hands, “that wouldn’t have meant shit here. He wanted to get away from all of this, go move somewhere far away from this shit and start a family somewhere. Never see any of this again. We were so close. Almost there.”

Minho sits on the ground for another few minutes, silently letting himself cry into his hands. Christopher gets down on his knees, pulling the younger man to his chest, letting him completely fall apart. “I’ve got you, Min,” Christopher whispers, stroking Minho’s hair. “It’s going to hurt for a while, I know. We’ve got you, though. You’re not going to go through this alone, you’ve got your brothers.”

It had to have been another hour before you all finally made your way back to Incheon. The drive was completely silent, absent the ambient noise from the highway. Felix spent plenty of time looking over both you and Minho for residual wounds, cleaning up minor lacerations and patching up other scrapes. Jisung gave Minho a couple of tablets of what you assumed was Xanax, which helped him sleep the entire way home.

Christopher and Jisung help carry Minho into the apartment, setting him down on the couch. Seungmin and Jeongin take the van back to another safehouse, presumably to keep Hyunjin in one place and to handle Changbin’s body. Felix pulls you aside to take a look at the bullet in your leg, able to clean the wound out with some careful attention, and he tells you that he’ll bring you in to their clinic tomorrow to take care of the bullet removal.

Felix unpacks a backpack he brought upstairs with him, hooking up an IV to Minho. “Don’t worry,” he says, noticing the concern on your face as you watch him. “He’s always had problems with anxiety, so I’m just going to keep him out overnight and try to get some fluids back into him.”

“Felix is our resident medic, in case you haven’t noticed,” Jisung says, gently squeezing your shoulder. “Whenever something like this happens, he’s always on top of the medical care. We’re pretty lucky to have him around.”

The bleach-blond man scoffs, measuring out a liquid from a vial, injecting it into a port in the IV. “Yeah, you are,” he laughs, “I remember trying to teach you some basic medical stuff and you almost killed Seungmin because you forgot to expel the air from the syringe.”

“Yeah,” Jisung rolls his eyes with a sigh, “there’s a reason I don’t do this shit. Anyway,” he grabs your waist, pulling you to the bedroom. “Why don’t we let Felix take care of Minho, and we can get some sleep?”

“That’s probably a good idea,” Christopher says, flatly, as he opens the door to the bedroom. You and Jisung follow him through the door. Christopher collapses on the floor as soon as he steps through the door. Jisung comes up behind him, his hands coming up to his sides. “Chan,” he says, bringing his hands up to Christopher’s face. “It’s okay, it’ll be okay.”

“No,” Christopher says, weakly, “It won’t be okay. Changbin is gone. My best friend is gone.” He looks like he wants to cry, but his face is completely void of emotions. He just lets himself melt into the floor, staring down the patterns in the wood. “Changbin is gone,” he whispers as he closes his eyes.

Jisung looks up at you, words escaping him.

“Christopher,” you say, but you’re not really sure what to tell him. You know there’s nothing that can help fill the hole he feels in heart. You bend down, reaching your hands out to him. “Come on, why don’t we get up on the bed and get some sleep? We can talk about this tomorrow.”

“Hell,” Jisung sighs, “at least let me grab you a pillow if you’re gonna try and sleep here. Alright?”

“No,” Christopher says, slowly working his way upright. “She’s right, I should sleep on the bed. You never know when someone you care about will be taken from you, so I might as well sleep with both of you.”

Jisung flings his arms around Christopher and looks up at you. “Yeah,” he says, nuzzling his head up against his superior’s. “Come on,” he pulls at Christopher”s shoulder, “nobody can see you cry on the bed, anyways.”

The three of you manage to make your way up to the top of the bed. Tonight, however, is different, compared to the way you’ve usually fallen asleep. You and Jisung take the edges of the bed, wrapping yourselves up around Christopher in a protective cocoon. You’re not sure what time it is when you fall asleep, just that the sun had started to come up when your eyes finally shut.

You also can swear you hear Christopher whisper something as you fall asleep, but you’re not sure if it’s just your mind playing tricks on you. It almost sounds like he’s saying your name and that he loves you.

[puttingherinhistory]

December 27, 2015 by Suzannah Weiss

I was young when I came to discover masturbation, and I had orgasms long before I knew what they were.

Nothing about it seemed complicated. I just rubbed “down there” for a few minutes, and it happened. But later, magazines, comedy routines, and sitcoms taught me that my body – and vaginas in general – were mysterious and complex, often too complex for those without them to figure out.

Confirming what I’d been taught, orgasms weren’t as simple with partners as they were by myself. This is to be expected to some extent. There’s a learning curve when you’re getting to know someone new. But what confused me was that not everyone seemed eager to learn.

“Sorry,” I (unnecessarily) apologized to a partner for taking what I thought was too long.

“It’s okay. I know it’s harder for girls,” he said – and then stopped.

Compounding the lack of effort I encountered from some (though not all) partners, it became harder for me to orgasm when I started SSRI antidepressants. When I told my doctor, she said, “Oh, that’s hard for a lot of women anyway.”

I knew my body long and well enough to know being a woman wasn’t to blame, but others didn’t share my view that the problem was fixable. I grew hesitant to bring it up with partners out of fear that asking them to perform the supposedly impossible feat of getting a woman off was too demanding.

Orgasm doesn’t have to be the focus of sex, but if a woman wants one, she should have as much of a right to request it as anyone else does.

When people say that women’s bodies are more difficult – and these generalizations typically refer to cis women and are accompanied by rants about how complicated vaginas are – they teach cis women that an orgasm is too tall an order.

Trans women also have a slew of sexual stigmas attached to them, which Kai Cheng Thom describes here, though they’re beyond the scope of this article. In addition, though most research on orgasm inequity has studied cis women, trans and non-binary people with vaginas may relate to the frustrations of being taught their genitals are impossible to decode, too.

The view that cis women are hard to please maintains what sociologists call the orgasm gap, in which men have three orgasms for every one a woman enjoys, and 57% of women orgasm during all or most of their sexual encounters, but 95% say their partners do.

These statistics may appear to confirm the stereotype that women’s bodies are more complicated, but there are other forces at work.

As sociologist Lisa Wade points out, the orgasm gap is conditional. Lesbians report orgasming 74.7% of the time, only 10 percentage points lower than gay men. In addition, women take under four minutes on average to masturbate to orgasm.

If these statistics don’t convince you that there’s more to the orgasm gap than biology, here are twelve cultural factors that contribute to it.

1. People Believe Women Are Less Sexual

Women, the story goes, aren’t that into sex.

They may enjoy it, but they do it partially in exchange for validation, commitment, or financial support, popular wisdom says. As long as a woman is getting one of those things, she doesn’t need much out of the sex itself.

To the contrary, a lot of research and lived experiences indicate that women are as capable of wanting and enjoying sex as men.

Until we acknowledge this, we won’t prioritize making sex as enjoyable as possible for women because we’ll believe sexual pleasure isn’t as important to them.

It may not be because women themselves may buy into myths about their gender, neglecting their desires because they’re not supposed to have them. If they do, they and their partners miss out on balanced sexual interactions, not to mention fun.

2. Pornography Privileges Male Pleasure

Most people who have watched porn videos know they typically culminate with a “money shot” in which the man comes, and then the scene ends. Most woman-focused orgasms depicted in porn are merely incidental events on the path to a man’s pleasure.

Additionally, most mainstream porn scenes feel incomplete without blow jobs, while cunnilingus is less common.

All in all, the message is clear: It’s imperative that a man gets off, and if a woman manages to in the process, props to him, but it’s just an added bonus.

3. The Myth of ‘Blue Balls’ Persists

Blue balls, according to Urban Dictionary, is “the excrutiating [sic] pain a man receives when his balls swell to the size of coconuts because of lack of sex, unfinished bjs, and just not cummin when he knows he should.”

The entitlement reflected in this description is characteristic of most uses of the term “blue balls.” While vasocongestion, the accumulation of blood flow to the genitals, can occasionally cause mild pain in people with any genitals, this is not what men are usually referring to when they complain about blue balls. And whether they’re experiencing this or just sexual frustration, it’s never anyone else’s duty to relieve it.

Even though most women know no medical condition results from an erection that doesn’t lead to an orgasm, many of us feel guilty for not providing one. So, in addition to some men’s lack of effort to pleasure women, the pressure many women feel to pleasure men maintains the orgasm gap.

4. There’s More Information in the Media About Pleasing Cis Men Than Women

As a teenager, my secret guilty pleasure was buying copies of Cosmo from the drugstore and hiding them under my pillow to read at night.

I read all their sex articles just because I found anything sex-related titillating, but along the way, I learned all about different tricks to please men – and cis men, specifically. By the time I encountered a real-life penis, I already knew all the basic tricks in the book, plus some out-there ones my dude friends urged me not to try.

I don’t know what most teenage boys’ secret reading material was, but there aren’t many mainstream men’s magazines as obsessed with pleasing women as women’s are with pleasing men. If anything, I’ve heard it’s common for boys to sneak glimpses of Playboy, which is also geared toward pleasing men.

Maybe this explains why 25% of men and 30% of women can’t locate the clitoris on a diagram.

Amid all the advice we read about different ways to hold and touch a penis, many remain in the dark about vulvas and vaginas.

5. Hookup Culture Privileges Male Pleasure

“I will do everything in my power to, like whoever I’m with, to get [him] off,” one woman said in a study by Elizabeth Armstrong on college hookups. But when it came to their own pleasure, women held different expectations.

“The guy kind of expects to get off, while the girl doesn’t expect anything,” a woman in another study by Lisa Wade said.

Accordingly, one man in Armstrong’s study boasted, “I’m all about making her orgasm,” but when asked to clarify the word “her,” he added, “Girlfriend her. In a hookup her, I don’t give a shit.” Perhaps he sensed that women don’t expect much from their hookups.

Statistics about women’s orgasms reflect these attitudes.

The ratio of men’s and women’s orgasms is 3.1:1 for first-time hookups, but only 1.25:1 for relationships.

For whatever reason, hookup culture appears to have embraced the message espoused by the media that women’s orgasms are optional, while men’s are obligatory.

6. Sex Education Doesn’t Teach Us About Pleasure, Especially Female Pleasure

Like many schools in the US, mine only had a couple of days a year dedicated to sex education in middle and high school. During the initial classes on puberty, the portion about women was on periods and the portion about men was on erections, ejaculation, and wet dreams.

Already, our bodies were associated with making babies, while boys’ were associated with sexual arousal and pleasure.

Later on, we learned how to use a condom – along with how to complete a very normative sequence of events. You put it on, we were told, and then you have intercourse, and then someone ejaculates, and then you pull out and take it off. Men’s orgasms, but not women’s, were built into our safer sex lesson.

Nobody said “then you stop whenever you feel like it” or “your partner may need you to pull out” (because, contrary to what we see in porn, not every woman is multi-orgasmic and many have a refractory period, so we can’t all comfortably keep going until our partner wants to stop).

This is one sneaky way we learn to prioritize men’s pleasure without ever really learning about pleasure at all.

7. Self-Evaluative Thoughts Can Disrupt Women’s Arousal Process

Due to the emphasis on women’s appearances in mainstream porn and throughout the media, women learn to picture themselves during sex.

“How does my stomach look from this angle,” “Does my face look sexy or silly in this expression,” and “Would it be sexier if I made more noise?” are a few thoughts that have distracted me in the bedroom.

And I don’t think I’m alone: 32% of women say that when they don’t orgasm, it’s often because they’re stuck in their heads or focused on their looks.

Orgasm itself can become a source of performance anxiety.

Because the women’s orgasms are dramatized in porn and the media, with exaggerated moans and calculated facial expressions, some women feel so much pressure that fear of not coming keeps them from coming. This pressure can also lead women to fake orgasms instead of sticking it out for a real one.

Once again, women’s magazines don’t help.

Cosmo even provides a guide on “how to look even hotter naked.” Though “even” implies the reader looks hot already, the pre-bedroom workout routine and self-tanner application tips make it clear we don’t look as hot as we could – and even if we do, the focus is still on our partner’s pleasure, not what we see or feel.

Thoughts about partners’ perceptions place women outside their bodies, looking in, rather than inside them, feeling the sensations the sexual activity is causing. It’s hard to have an orgasm when you’re not even thinking sexual thoughts.

8. Sexual Trauma Can Impede Arousal and Orgasm

It’s extremely common for women to experience sexual trauma within their lifetimes. One out of six women has been the victim of attempted or completed rape.

According to sex therapist Vanessa Marin, this trauma can have lasting effects on one’s sex life.

“Sexual assault can rob your enjoyment of sex and can make any type of intimacy feel scary,” she said. “Some survivors experience feelings of disconnect or dissociation when they’re having sex. Others can easily get triggered by being touched in certain places or in specific ways.”

Marin recommends that survivors seek out therapy or a support group so they don’t have to deal with the effects of their pasts alone.

In the short-term, Marin has written that reminding yourself you’re with your partner, not the person who assaulted you, can quell trauma-related sexual problems. “Of course your brain knows that it’s [them], but this exercise can help the more subconscious parts of your psyche start to relax,” she writes.

Other emotions women disproportionately experience around sex, such as guilt and shame, may also lead to anorgasmia.

9. More Women Than Men Are on Antidepressants

SSRI antidepressants, like Prozac and Zoloft, can cause anorgasmia. This side effect isn’t gender-specific, but antidepressants themselves are.

Between 2001 and 2010, 25% of American women (but only 15% of men) had been prescribed medication for mental health conditions.

This may occur because women are more likely to suffer from anxiety and depression, both frequently treated with SSRIs, the medication class most commonly known to cause anorgasmia. There are many theories as to why, but one possible source of this difference is societal misogyny.

As Ally Boghun writes of her anxiety, “A lot of the stressors that impact me the most are actually stressors put upon women by society to look and act in certain ways.” In addition, women are more likely to seek therapy, since toxic standards of masculinity deter men from discussing their emotions.

This is one case where the orgasm gap may be related to biological differences, but the sources of these differences are still societal.

10. Women Are Discouraged from Asking for What They Want

Women are taught to accommodate others’ wishes and put their own on the back burner, to be pleasant and polite and grateful and not ask for more, whether that’s food, payment, or sexual pleasure.

To bring back Armstrong’s research, one woman said she didn’t have the “right” to request an orgasm and “felt kind of guilty almost, like I felt like I was kind of subjecting [guys] to something they didn’t want to do and I felt bad about it.”

I can relate: I’ve said “sorry” many times for requesting or giving myself the stimulation I wanted, for taking what I thought was too much time, and for receiving pleasure without immediately returning it.

The same fear that keeps women from voicing their opinions in work meetings or negotiating salaries also keeps us from speaking up in bed.

But until we can “lean in” without bumping into hostility, women can’t singlehandedly solve this problem in any domain. It’s also up to our partners, coworkers, and others to make it clear they want to hear and accommodate our wishes.

11. The Normative Definition of Sex Isn’t Optimal for Many Women’s Orgasms

When someone says “sex,” most people think of penis-in-vagina intercourse, even though it means many different things to different people.

For example, some couples may see oral sex as sex. Some may also put oral or manual sex on the same level as penetrative sex, but this is still not the norm.

When someone talks about losing their virginity, for instance, we usually assume they’re talking about the first time they had penis-in-vagina intercourse.

This assumption can be problematic for women who get off more easily through other activities.

In one survey, 20% of women said they seldom or never had orgasms during intercourse. Only 25% said they consistently do. In another, 38% said that when they don’t orgasm, a common obstacle is “not enough clitoral stimulation.”

Since penetrative sex often doesn’t directly stimulate the clitoris, this could explain why other types of sex – or clitoral stimulation during intercourse, which women considered the most common way they got off with a partner – may be more optimal.

When we consider the activities that often help women reach orgasm as warmup or extra, we deprioritize women’s pleasure.

12. People Think the Orgasm Gap Is Biological

Orgasm inequity is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

When men believe women’s bodies are an impossible puzzle, they don’t try to solve it. Neither do women who are taught their own pleasure is inaccessible.

That’s why it’s important we acknowledge all the societal factors that contribute to this discrepancy. Genetics can’t be fixed, but a lot of these problems can, which means that closing the orgasm gap is possible.

***

If you’re a woman having trouble orgasming, it’s likely not you. It may not be the result of any carelessness on your partner’s part either. You may just need to talk about it, challenge the myths you’ve learned about sexuality, and, if necessary, seek help for any psychological or medical conditions that could be contributing to the problem.

Or maybe it’s not a problem at all. Maybe orgasming isn’t important to you, and that’s your choice as well. But if it is something you would like, you have the same right to ask for it as your partner. If he expects orgasms from you, he shouldn’t mind you wanting one.

It’s not too much to ask, and your anatomy isn’t too complicated. The only thing that’s complicated is the toxic set of messages we’re taught about sexuality. But that’s not on you or your body.

[jjungkooksthighs]

finally got enough time to read yearn for you and girl!!!!! where do I start from? first of all, I'm sorry you did not receive enough love for this fic but I'll try my best to try and express all the gratitude for you. ok so, this is gonna be messy because english is not my first language and I'm a bit dyslexic so forgive me😔... I remember reading edacity and thinking damn! she can write! and got soooo hooked on the way you write. then I stumbled on claws of carnality and I already told you anything I had to say about this fic: a masterpiece. then I decided to read undercurrent (I couldn't read it straight away because of how long it is and how hectic life could be) but then again, what else could I have expected from you? the way you described the scenes (don't wanna spoil anything if people didn't read it yet).. it was like I was there (this applies for all of your fic but this one has something different to it? can't really describe it, I'm sorry). you are such a talented writer, so elegant, so eloquent, so detailed, so entrancing, so attractive in a way? so when you announced you were going to post another story I was thrilled! and you delivered, god, did you deliver. I was so frustrated with jk at the beginning of the story, you pulled me in your story with just a few sentences.. but at the story went, I felt so content because of how you described their relationship, the trust they have in each other, the desire to please the other, the love you can basically feel through the words and when I was reading about the flashback, I could feel the love. I also loved how even if he is a hard dom, he is so whipped for her... when she stands after he strips her and he sees her kick her heels off and he grins? my heart beat a little faster, don't ask me why. I loved how even if jimin was there, he could also have not been there at all and the after care? the way he is basically going around, calling her his fiancee, love them. at the end, my greedy, curios brain (and heart, who am I kidding) wanted more lmao. I have a few questions if you don't mind.. what happens with taehyung? because he was a bit of a brat, trying to get in her pants and then complaining when he got a bit left out? honey, you got a big storm coming. will you ever write little drabble for this couple? like, how did he propose? not gonna lie, kinda curious about the dress he picked out for her for the gala.. no pressure tho baby, feel free to ignore this part. I also loved how he called her petal and flowers and how he didn't even think twice about buying the necklace. want something like this for me, it would be the life, having someone you love who loves you back and is always ready to remind you... anyway, this is all for today, gonna go read yean for you a few more times now☺️🥴. hope you are having a good day, we love you💙

Your english is very impressive for someone that doesn’t speak it primarily, darling. You don’t need to apologize for being dyslexic, either. You can’t help that and should not apologize for something beyond your control. Anyway, you found me through Edacity, huh? It’s always interesting hearing about how you guys find me, I have to say. That one was written in a lust filled craze following the video that the gif used for that fic was recorded from. Manbun Jungkook really took my pussy (and fingers) and said WORK FOR IT. Ugh, he’s just so hot istg I really couldn’t help myself when I wrote that fic, lol. Anyway, it’s cute that you cycled through like all of my fics and I’m glad that you liked my work enough to keep reading through everything that I had posted on here! I will say that Undercurrent is very precious to me because it’s the very first reader x member fic that I wrote and posted to Tumblr. I love that story so much and I’m so elated to know that you appreciated it as much as you did! It took about two weeks for that like YFY, but every time that I sat down to write it, I just would smile like an idiot whenever I’d read through it at how cutely I encapsulated the lovers to be in their feelings for each other. 

Truly, who else writes a damn novel for their first ever fic? Gah, I am still so soft over Undercurrent. That fic is like my first child, lol. It is very special to me. So is COC, but we all know my sentiments about that fic at this point. I feel like I’m being annoying with it, but the self-consciousness and insecurity about that one still persists and whenever I hear about it from my readers, I get nervous because I have this lingering anxiety that more negative comments will be given on it. Well, this ask isn’t about COC, so I should move on, I think. Sorry about that mini-rant, anon!

Switching back to YFY, Jungkook’s personality in this one is a little different than what I have done before and I am glad that you liked the way he’s built in terms of his characterization. I wanted to show a Jungkook that was so in love with you that he is willing to give you anything you want (even if that means fucking another man) while also staying true to the possessive creature that we all know he is in real life. He adores reader very much and because of that, he just wants to see her happy at the end of the day. She is a constant in his life and gives him stability where the world would fall apart under his feet and he cherishes her for that for sure. I adored their relationship just as you did because they care about each other so much and each one of them just wants to please the other always. It’s funny that you say that Jimin could have not been there because the person that commissioned this fic from me actually wanted just a CEO!Jimin fic in the beginning, lol. Kook wasn’t even factored into the story in the initial stages and it actually was going to be a hybrid CEO!Jimin fic where he goes into heat while at work, but that idea was never fully fleshed out because Jungkook had to come out with his D’ICON stuff and really, it was over for me when I saw that video of him in the leather fit. 

I talked to my commissioner about it and she was more than eager to have Kook involved in the fic (even though she originally thought that I would not go so far as to write 31.5k words worth of shit that Kook was responsible for over 22.3k for before Jimin even makes an appearance, lol. I couldn’t really help it being the Jungkook slut that I am, but hey, it brought such sin out of it and I can’t apologize for THAT because it was too much fun to keep writing the lewd escapades of reader and her fiance that loved his future wife too much to deny her of anything so as long as he is part of it. 

As for Taehyung, well...let’s just say that Jungkook had a nice “chat” with Taehyung and the two ended the discussion with Jungkook sat in his office while Taehyung got to listen to a recording of reader fucking herself with Jungkook’s name falling repeatedly from her lips. Taehyung may or may not have had a tent in his pants while Jungkook gave a cruel smirk and when you’re summoned to his office, let’s just say that Taehyung gets a nice show while Jungkook fucks you over his desk. Now, this is done AFTER Jungkook orders you to bind Taehyung’s wrists with his tie so that he can’t do anything while he watches, his lips drawn between his teeth the entire time that Jungkook fucks into you like a crazed man. When it’s all over and you lie boneless on the desk, Jungkook eats the sandwich you brought him off your stomach before eating you out and let’s just say that when Taehyung leaves the office, his cheeks have never been more red both with embarrassment and rage. 

Wow, I really let myself keep going with that, huh? I guess that shows just how much I’m fond of YFY, lol. 

I would consider writing a drabble for YFY, but that would have to be commissioned as I am facing a financial crisis right now and can’t really afford to spend time writing anymore unless I will be compensated for it! It’s very sweet to ask that because it shows me you want more of this story and that’s very heartening to know!

As for the dress, I would be more than happy to show it to you if you message me (you can go through anon again if you prefer) once more with that question because this ask is already really long! 

Also, I’m pleased to know that you liked the pet names! I have a weakness for them, you see, so you’ll find an abundance of that in just about everything you read from me. 

It would be quite a life to have a man like YFY Jungkook in it, wouldn’t it? You would never want for a thing with him, that’s for sure. You also would never feel deprived of attention or love because he’d readily relinquish both to you 24/7. I wanna swoon over YFY Jungkook because he’s just so dreamy, isn’t he? 

Anyway, I am so happy to hear you liked the story. Thank you for reading my work and taking the time to say all of that, lovely. It really makes my day so much better when you guys tell me things like this and I can’t thank you enough for being nice enough to let me know all of this!

[trishmilburn]

Wonho, Monsta X, The Culture of Online Hate and Standing Up for What’s Right

One of the challenges of being an author is knowing where to start a story. I find myself facing that same question as I begin this blog post. There are times when we are feeling so many emotions at once that it’s difficult to express them fully. But I’m writer, and I should be able to put feelings into words even when those feelings are like a maelstrom inside of me.

As many of you know, I dove head-first into the world of K-pop a year ago. It wasn’t something I sought out. It almost seems like destiny that it found me, and I’m so glad that it did. At the time I found K-pop, I was at a crossroads of a sort. Though I’d been publishing books for a decade, the market was changing and I was burning out on the types of stories I was telling. I still loved those stories, put my all into them, and I’m thankful to my editors, publishers and readers for the opportunities and support they’ve given me. But that creative part of me wasn’t truly happy anymore. And I had no idea what to do about it because this is how I make my living. Did I have to give up the idea of enjoying what I do in order to put food on the table and pay the rent? That was depressing, to say the least. After all, I’d left journalism because I wanted to write fiction full-time. I didn’t think I could go back to being a journalist in today’s climate.

Enter K-pop, which I found by way of watching Korean dramas. Not since I was a teenager into a variety of 1980s hair bands (Hello, Bon Jovi! You’re still awesome!) had I been so into music. And to be honest, I’m pretty sure I’m enjoying music more now than I ever have in my life. That is saying a lot considering I’m a 49-year-old white lady from the American South and that enjoyment is originating a world away in a country I’ve never been to. But K-pop is infectious in the very best way. Not only are the typically upbeat songs fun to listen to, the entire world of K-pop is fun and fascinating. It has brought me countless hours of enjoyment. I listen to K-pop in my car on long road trips to concerts in Atlanta and on short trips to the grocery store. Dance is one of my two preferred forms of exercise in addition to walking at our local beach, and the playlists are all K-pop. I love watching not only the official music videos, but also the dance practices, the goofy videos the groups do in Halloween costumes, and the variety shows on which you get to know them better. K-pop is a bright, colorful, happy-making world of singing, rapping, dancing, fashion, cosmetics and more.

Until it isn’t. Today is one of those days. K-pop is not immune to the current world of online hate. While social media has allowed me to connect with my readers and fellow K-pop and K-drama fans around the world, which is fantastic, we all know it also had a dark side. Behind a computer screen, people say the most heinous things to each other, often people they don’t even know. Often while hiding their real identities. But in the current climate, many don’t even feel the need to hide their identities anymore. They feel free to direct hate at others in the full light of day, and others egg them on. It’s disgusting and it harms people who do not deserve it.

Today’s victim is Wonho from the group Monsta X. They are one of the four groups I’ve seen in concert so far this year, and their concert was fabulous. Wonho wasn’t feeling well during the show, but none of us knew that until he collapsed and had to be helped off stage. A bit later he came back out and apologized. I just wanted to wrap him in a hug and tell him he didn’t have to apologize for not being well. After all, these idols (that’s what members of K-pop groups are called) push themselves hard. They are constantly working, running on little sleep and little food to make it in a highly competitive industry that can easily discard them because there are always more groups debuting that can take their place. It’s exhausting just thinking about it.

An apology from a K-pop idol for the slightest perceived infraction or disappointment to fans is not unusual in an industry where them even dating is often considered a scandal. Not only do they have to perform their professional duties, but they are expected to be perfect with nary a wrong step, even before they became idol trainees. It’s unrealistic and it’s unfair. Who among us hasn’t done something in our life, particularly when we were young, that we regret? Something we learned from and grew because of having done it. Idols are not allowed this luxury of having been at any point a normal human youth. This is the fault of the companies they work for and the unrealistic expectations of certain segments of the fandoms.

Then there are the netizens who, for whatever twisted reason, love to cause chaos and do actual harm to the idols and their careers. That’s where we are today. There is a certain young woman in South Korea who has repeatedly caused problems for idols in one way or another. It’s often difficult to dig down to the root cause of why scandals blow up in K-pop, but supposedly she or her boyfriend posted some snarky comment about Wonho owing someone money. If that is true, there are ways of rectifying the situation that don’t include destroying someone’s career or life. Don’t take to social media where the person in question is not the only one who gets hurt. Wonho had also been the target of other malicious rumors for something taken out of context, and now Shownu, another member of Monsta X, has been targeted by false rumors. I don’t know that this is the case, but it feels very coordinated because of the timing. Monsta X just released a new album this week and are in their promotion period, and in the world of K-pop there is unfortunately an element that likes to try to tear down other bands so their own favorites can supposedly rise higher. This is complete nonsense and yet it seems to fester and spread like a disease. I don’t know the reasoning behind the attacks on Wonho and Shownu, but it’s part of a bigger problem – that of unchecked online hate.

I say unchecked because instead of the idols’ companies standing behind them, instead of them saying, “No, we will not let you tear down this person who has put his heart and soul into making his group a success and is beloved by fans,” they always put out the same kind of statement that the idol made the decision to leave the group for the good of the rest of the group members. I call a huge sack of BS! Even if Wonho did say he would leave for the good of his brothers in Monsta X – and I say brothers deliberately because K-pop groups become family since they live together, work together, vacation together, love each other – Starship Entertainment executives should have said to him, “That’s admirable but not necessary. We’re going to stand with you and behind you as we fight this. We will help you get through it, and you and the rest of Monsta X will come out stronger on the other side.” I would have admired them greatly for taking this stand, which is not something you see from the Korean entertainment companies. Instead, the idols are allowed to make sacrificial lambs of themselves for “the good of the group.” Again, I call BS. This is for the good of the companies’ monetary bottom lines. In no way do I believe that Shownu, Minhyuk, Kihyun, Hyungwon, Joohoney and I.M benefit from this. I’m sure in this moment their hearts are breaking and they’re worried about their dear friend, their brother, more than anything else. And yet they are going to be expected to perform to promote this new album in the midst of all this upheaval and heartbreak.

I chose not to have kids of my own, but in moments like these there is a dormant mama-bear instinct inside of me that makes itself known. I want to wrap all these boys, who are young enough to be my sons, in a protective hug and swat away anyone who dares take a swipe at them. I want to tell them that I’ll be strong for them while they’re hurting. I want to hold those attacking them to account and make sure they pay for what they’ve done. And I want to tell their company to grow a spine. I know the culture is different in Korea than it is here in the U.S., but how many times have you seen an American celebrity do much worse and no one bats an eye? There is a middle ground between letting people get away with true wrongdoing and destroying a person’s life and career for something that wouldn’t even be – and shouldn’t be – a blip on the radar here. And we should allow people to acknowledge youthful missteps that are relatively harmless – if they even happened – apologize, and move on. It’s called growth, and it can be an inspiration to others. If all of us who ever made a mistake as a teenager lost our careers because of it, there would be a lot of unemployed people walking around.

What needs to happen is this: all the Korean entertainment companies need to band together and say enough is enough. Rumors and magnifying small incidents to the point where netizens are ready to ride with torches and pitchforks should be called out and the instigators held to account, even by legal means. The companies need to stand behind their idols when they are attacked instead of throwing them away like they are disposable. Taking them away from everything they’ve worked for and their bandmates is cruel, not unlike ripping a child from his family and then telling them it’s their fault. If an idol has a problem, find them help. They are under so much pressure that it’s no surprise that they offer suffer from anxiety and depression, and unfortunately Korea still reportedly has an antiquated view of mental health. It’s part of the reason – along with external attacks – for their abysmal suicide rate. Look no further than Sulli, another K-pop idol who recently committed suicide after being attacked online for years. I don’t know that there has been a line drawn between those two things, but my gut tells me that it was at least a contributing factor. And I don’t want to hear of it ever happening again. Too many young, beautiful, kind, talented, giving lives are being lost.

Today, I’ve gotten next to no work done. I can’t pull my thoughts away from Wonho and how wrongly he’s been treated, how much he, the rest of the group and fans are hurting. I’ve been fighting crying all day because I know I’ll just feel worse afterward. I hate to see injustice. It just eats me alive inside. And unfortunately we are seeing more and more of it. Some might say there are worse injustices in the world than this. Yes and no. Yes, children ripped from their families at the border and genocide are great evils, but wrong is wrong. And what has happened to Wonho and other idols in the past because of online attacks is all kinds of wrong.

Wonho, if by some chance you and the rest of Monsta X read this, I hope you’re able to take comfort from the fact that you have many fans around the world who love you and who will go to bat for you. I hope you’re able to focus on those voices instead of the hateful ones. As a creative, I know it’s difficult to not focus on the vocal minority, the ones who say the negative things. Those are the voices that work their way insidiously into our brains, but we have to fight against them and remember that there are many more people to whom you have brought joy and to whom you will continue to bring job as a member of Monsta X if we have anything to say about it.

And to the decision-makers at Starship Entertainment, do the right thing. Do what is right, not what is easy or most beneficial to your bottom line. Bring Wonho back and stand up to the people who attack your idols, the people who work hard to make your company successful.

[hwoodunlocked]

AROS KING INTERVIEW

I had a chance to sit down and have a talk with Aros King, 1/3 of King Brother. Shall I call them Kingos since no one needs Migos anymore, or are these boys male representation of Destiny’s Child? It’s up to you to decide if he’s the Beyonce out of the trio, but the talk was real. While interviewing the actor, entrepreneur, model and recording artist, my respect grew for him. Let’s be real, we all are biased towards all the celebrity kids, we assume they had everything they want and need since their birth. Turns out, Aros is far from being a spoiled one. Check the whole interview if you don’t believe my word.

Tommie: "Aros King himself, ladies and gentleman. Aros, thank you for stopping by. I would like to remind you and our Hollywoodians that our interview is not gonna be censored, and I’m looking forward for a sincere conversation. I hope you’re down for it, Aros, although you knew what we were about to do. But okay, how are you doing today? Glad to have you here today.”

Aros: "I'm doing good real good. Im glad to be here, this is the first interview I've had since I been back in LA so the feeling is likewise Tommie.”

Tommie: “It’s your first interview? Whoa, this shit right here, we serving you an exclusive, hunty, first interview by Aros King since he’s back in LA. Okay, but I’m not gonna beat around the bush. You’re here for a reason. You asked me to stop posting negative things about your brother. Negative or not but you have to agree that we never lied. Why would you want us to stop? I understand that it might throw a dark shade on your family, but hey, everyone know already that the King family is going through not the best times, I’d say.”

Aros: “I just think he’s going through and as gone through enough. It’s just that with all the negative I would like to try to focus on the positive. End of the day both my brothers are very bright individuals and are talented, and even though the times are dark I don’t want the drama and darkness to overshadow their gifts. We have younger siblings that are actively on social media, they go to school and they have their friends and I don’t want them to know everything that’s going on. I don’t want them to pay for our mistakes. Including the mistakes I’ve made in the past.”

Tommie: “I hear you, and it’s something I’ve expected to hear from you. I like how you try to keep a picture perfect and be a role model to your younglings, or, at least, you try to protect them from all the negativity that is going on around you and your family. But let’s face the fact that all of the shit that happened didn’t come out of the blue. Every decision that was made and action that had it’s play, everything has it’s aftermath. And right now, you speak on your brothers being bright individuals but we’ve seen your little fight with Xaire on live stream while you guys were in Aspen. And our readers are pretty good detectives and we’ve been getting these allegations that Xaire delivered a twitter shade once your music video came out… Doesn’t seem like you guys are on them good terms right now.”

Aros: Aros rolled his eyes and places his index finger on his lip and his thumb on his chin calculating his response. “He’s upset with me. I went on live drunk after the news got out about the charges, which I do publicly apologize for that wasn’t right. I can take my actions but not my words. And I don’t try to pay attention to social media, and to me his shade was probably thrown because he’s upset about the livestream I feel like it had nothing to do with my music. And just because we fight doesn’t mean I still won’t defend and praise them.”

Tommie: “Come on, pretty boy, I know you pay attention to social media, because who doesn’t? Okay, I’m messing with you, I do believe you, you just seem like that type of guy who googles his name or goes through the name tag on IG every five minutes. Ight, I see, you that one ‘I’m my family’s ride or die’ brother. If I’d compare you, brothers, to Migos, have you ever felt yourself like Takeoff, have you ever felt left off bad and boujee?” Tommie said in Takeoff’s interpretation. “What I mean is, you are adopted, have you ever felt like you don’t belong there? Have you ever felt not welcomed by your brothers, or sisters, or Deleon?”

Aros: Aros eyes widen at her response and he shakes his head, “A few times I have googled myself I mean I need to make sure google images doesn’t have any jacked images of me surfing around. I mean being adopted by Deleon was confusing, because technically only Xaire and my twin sisters are my siblings, but my Deleon wanted us to all look at each other as brothers so when my father wasn’t interested in being my dad, Deleon stepped up and did that. Which was confusing cause instead of one brother I have two, and biological Silas isn’t my blood, but I was raised to care for him like he was. At times I do feel left out, lets be real I don’t look like Deleon at all. I can’t do a harlem shake to shave my life, like they be doing all the time. Growing up I felt like we was all close but as we got richer things changed. Xaire and Silas have this bond that’s amazing and I just keep busy with work and when I’m not at work I’m with my twin sisters.” Aros says being completely honest with her. “It’s just when I found out my mom was divorcing Deleon and when I disowned her, she disappeared and then they just found her body in ⏤ . I came to realize family isn’t always promised and I never should have been angry at my mother for not wanting to stay in a relationship wasn’t happy with, I just really didn’t want to lose Deleon as a Dad.”

Tommie: “Growing up in a big family, it’s always hard, you know, especially when everyone know who the fuck you are and when ya’ll motherfuckers be rich as fuck. Everyone try to get in your business. Constant pressure. This shit is hard. Especially for you, but I look at you and I see a young man who knows how to handle things. I like hearing the love and respect in your voice when you talk about Deleon, and I’m sorry about your mother. I can feel your pain because I’ve been through a lot with my mom, my sisters, my brothers, but at the end of the day, family is family. Speaking of Deleon. Where he is? I just seen a Christmas picture of him and twins yet I never heard about him taking over The Deleon Dynasty. What’s up with the label?”

Aros: “Deleon is still in LA and he is at home he just locked away figuring things out. And since the summer no one as ran the label and since I’m done filming at the moment I figured why not move back to LA and help run the label, Since Silas is no longer interested in taking over the label. So the label is going through a revamp, I changing up a few contracts and trying to sign new artist so my Father will have something to come back to, Like our family as other businesses but the label is the biggest money maker. So I was thinking when all the changes are made we can do a welcome back show sometime in the New Year.”

Tommie: “Interesting, interesting. Is the ol’ man depressed or something? But what’s your vision about the label? What changes you about to make, and how you see it the nearest future? And what about the artists? I’ve heard a lot of artists have been running away like rats from a sinking ship.”

Aros: “I think he’s in shock with the attempted murder, the murders, losing money, losing big at the BET awards and everything else he just needs a moment. I want to rebrand the label and keep my father the face of the label since he is the genius behind it all. I replaced all the staff and I understand that some artist will leave but they won’t have the same support anywhere else, My father does care about his artist and the music industry. XXXTentacion benefit charity concert was a huge hit and my father planned that show in two days. Unlike these other labels we care and we let our artist express themselves freely, we get the best care we can get for our athletes signed under us. Regardless of the bullshit The King Family produces magic we are still black excellence.”

Tommie: “Long Live X. Okay, I’m all here for the black excellence. Tell me more about artists though, who’s on a label, who you’d like to sign and looking forward to work with?”

Aros: "Well I’m working on signing 6ix9ine, and I don’t know...I haven’t met all the artist I just want to give them a creative space to work in to make this money."

Tommie: “You’re trying to sign 6ix9ine? Who would’ve known. Well, I think it’s all I wanted to know. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts and vision with us. Anything else you’d like to say before you leave?”

Aros: “Make sure to check out all out success coming in 2019!! Don’t sleep on the King’s!!”

[waywardnerd67]

Burning the Past

Pairing: Dean x Reader

Description: Dean struggles with the aftermath of a decision the Reader makes.

Warnings: Angst (I think… my first go at writing angst), fluff at the end, depression, mentions of self-harm, suicide attempt, abusive parent

Word Count: 2263

Song Choice: “Numb” – Linkin Park

A/N: @rosethesupernaturalhunter Rose500challenge. “Numb” by Linkin Park is a very personal song for me. This song and music video explain a great portion of my teenage life dealing with Major Depressive Disorder and Self-Harm. This story is personal for me as well. It is a piece of fiction based on real events in my own life dealing with depression, self-harm, suicide attempt and a verbally abusive father. Please read warnings before reading since this may be triggering for some people.

**Please know that if you are dealing with any kind of mental health illness you are not alone in your struggles. There are many people who are out there ready to listen and help. There are many organizations out there as well including IMAlive and National Suicide Prevention Lifeline . If you don’t feel comfortable talking to someone from there then my blog is always open for anyone who needs it. As Jared Padalecki once said, “If you’re out there and need help, please seek it. Be proud of your valiant day-to-day struggle. There is no shame in needing support.” 

Dean Winchester set the bottle of whiskey on the floor next to him. Leaning up against his bed with the same song blaring in through his headphones. He glanced down at the journal opened on his lap running his fingers over the delicate handwriting. Her handwriting. Her words. Her tormented soul. He never knew she was this bad. He never knew how dark it had gotten inside her head. From his point of view, (Y/N) was happy, joking, bubbly woman he admired. She was strong, courageous and a badass hunter. He should have paid more attention to her. Noticed the little things that were different in her actions, in her words. He gripped the bottle holding it up to his lips letting the amber liquid warm his insides and with a thud set it back down. He picked up the journal and reread the last few entries she had written. 

Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow

Every step that I take is another mistake to you

Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow 

“May 11th – 1:32am

I can’t take it anymore. My father’s words are floating in my head more and more each day. “(Y/N), concentrate on your target! If you can’t focus then you die!” “You’re worthless. You’re useless. Why did I ever have you?” “Get up you, lazy pig! The longer I wait the longer your training will be.” Now that he is gone, all I have left are those words. No matter how many times Sam and Dean tell me what a badass hunter I am, my father’s words ring truth in me. I’m supposed to save everyone. I’m supposed to kill the monsters that haunt people, but I’m too weak. I’ve done a great job hiding my true feelings from the boys but I can tell Sam knows something is up. He won’t say anything to me, but I can tell by the way he looks at me. Dean acts no differently around me, which is comforting. I wish I knew how to express my feelings to Dean. Confide in him the thoughts inside my head. If anyone could understand me it would be him, but I’m afraid that my head may be too dark even for him. I’m alone in this and I need to deal with myself alone.” 

I'm tired of being what you want me to be

Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface

I don't know what you're expecting of me

Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes 

“May 20th – 6:10pm

I met a hunter today that knew my father. It took everything in me not to scream out loud as this man talked about how great he was. “Your dad was a great hunter. One of the best, just like John Winchester. It’s good to see you are following his footsteps and becoming a great hunter as well.” All I did was smile and nod. Luckily, Dean swept in and saved me from hearing more from the man. Nowadays it takes all my energy to put on my happy façade around Sam and Dean. I thought writing would help me get my feelings out but it doesn’t anymore. I even went to get art supplies while Sam was getting some supplies in town. I always used to feel better after painting, but nothing is getting these feelings out. I thought sparring with Dean would help but I just felt useless as he defeated me repeatedly. I feel like I’m drifting and I’m losing faith that I will ever get better. There’s was only one thing that made me feel better and if the boys ever knew what I was doing then they would be so disappointed in me. Just the thought of seeing Dean’s disappointed face makes me tear up. I never want to disappoint him but I just can’t take the pressure building up inside me anymore. I have to let it out somehow and this is the only way I know how too.” 

Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control

'Cause everything that you thought I would be

Has fallen apart right in front of you 

“May 26th – 3:24am

The feeling of pain releases all my tension. It is so hard to describe how causing myself pain makes me feel better if only for a few fleeing moments. It’s getting harder to hide my scars from Sam and Dean especially on my arms. Dean noticed I took his red and black flannel shirt to wear. I told him it was my favorite of his and I liked how big it was on me. Which is all true, but also the sleeves come all the way down past my hands easily covering the marks and scars on my arms. Sam caught me the other day walking from the shower room to my room and saw the marks on my lower legs. I quickly told him I had been walking in my favorite spot and got a little cut up from stumbling. Thankful he couldn’t see the marks up close or he would be able to tell they are too straight for random cuts. It’s not only that either. Sam noticed me not blocking Dean’s punches or kicks when we were sparring. I played it off that I had no idea what he was talking about, but honestly, I like the bruises. I can push on them causing small amount of pain to ease tension in a pinch. I hate that I’m using Dean like that but it the end it helps me. I wonder how much longer I can keep this façade up around them. I’m needing a release more and more throughout the day and hunting with the boys doesn’t give me the privacy I have in the bunker. They will suspect something if I ask for my own room. Speaking of hunting I need to try and sleep since we are leaving in two and half hours. Here’s to trying to keep my dark thoughts at bay. 

And I know I may end up failing too

But I know you were just like me with someone disappointed in you

I've become so numb, I can't feel you there

Become so tired, so much more aware

By becoming this all I want to do

Is be more like me and be less like you 

“May 28th – 10:54pm

Dear Sam and Dean,

By the time you come back I should be gone, hopefully I did not screw that up. I should have never came hunting with you this time. I screwed up. My father always told me if I wasn’t focus I would get dead. I haven’t been focused and today that cost a little girl her life. I’m just a huge disappointment to everyone and you both are better off without me. I can’t feel anything anymore. I’m just floating through the motions and I don’t have the energy to do that anymore. I don’t have the energy to do anything anymore. I would apologize for leaving you like this but I know it won’t help either of you process this. Please don’t blame yourselves for this happening. You both were amazing partners and friends. There’s nothing you could have said or did to help prevent this. This was a battle I had to fight on my own and I loss. We all know that happens, it just so happens this battle was within myself that I loss. I expect you both to burn everything of mine with no exceptions. You both will move on from this sooner than you think. I will just be a faded memory in the back of your mind that one day will fly away. 

Sam, please make sure Dean doesn’t do anything stupid to try and bring me back. I know you won’t do anything stupid, but keep an eye out on your brother. I left my copy of Grimm Fairytales on my desk in my room. I want you to have it since one of my fondest memories is the two of us discussing it. 

Dean, I love you. I have loved you since the moment you and John showed up at my house that cold December night. What started as just a teenage crush on an older guy changed the moment you dropped everything and came to my side when my father died. I fell in love with you and I always knew I would never be good enough for the great Dean Winchester. You deserve a woman who is strong and fearless. That is obviously not me, but I want you to know that I love you deeply. 

Goodbye.

'Cause everything that you thought I would be

Has fallen apart right in front of you

Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow

I've become so numb, I can't feel you there” 

Dean watched as his tears darken the pages of her journal. The images of finding her flashing in his mind. Hearing Sam scream for him from the bathroom and seeing her laying in the bathtub. The metallic smell hitting him like a Mack truck. Sam wrapping her arms with towels and for the first time seeing the damage she had caused to herself up and down her arms and legs. Scars neither of them knew about that had healed and been opened again. To see her normally vibrant lips being ghostly white. Sam calling an ambulance after finding a faint pulse. The only thing Dean could do was hold her and wonder who did this to her. Watching the paramedics working on her and not being able to leave her side as he rode in the ambulance while Sam followed in the Impala. Once at the hospital, the harsh reality hitting them both that she had done all of this to herself. As they waited for the doctors to come out and talk to them Sam handed him (Y/N)’s journal letting him read what he just had. Seeing Sam crying openly as he walked away made Dean’s stomach churn. Then he read her letter and his world stopped. 

Dean jumped out of his thoughts feeling a hand on his shoulder. He pulled off his headphones as he saw it was Sam stand there. “We should get going.” He simply said as Dean nodded. He closed her journal setting it on his bed and shut off the song she had written the lyrics down at the end of her letter. He grabbed her favorite flannel of his out of his closet and laid it next to her journal. He gathered his coat and her items walking out to the library. Sam was setting a few things of (Y/N)’s in a cardboard box. Dean set his shirt and her journal in the box along with everything else that was hers from the bunker. Sam taped the box shut and the brothers went to the Impala making the trip out to an opening in the woods (Y/N) loved the most in Kansas. As Dean drove he remembered the last time he and (Y/N) had come out to this her favorite spot. They laid on top of the Impala’s hood looking up at the stars. His arms around her as she gazed up into the night sky. She looked so peaceful and happy. He knew then he was in love with her and was going to tell her but then Sam called with a case. The moment lost. 

Sam and Dean gathered all the wood they could to build a pit. Sam placed the cardboard box in the center of the pit. Dean opened the back door to the Impala helping (Y/N) out of the backseat. She pulled her sleeves down over her scars on her arms and wrists. It had been six months since she had tried to take her life. In those six months she went into treatment for depression and self-harm and the boys would visit her every chance they got. When she was released from her program she began going to a support group making friends to keep her accountable not that she really needed too. Sam researched everything he could about depression and self-harm. He talked with people online who had loved ones dealing with the same issues and found many ways to help (Y/N) constructively. Dean never left her side for too long. They never talked about their feelings for one another but everything between them had changed. He laced their fingers together as they walked over to the fire pit. 

(Y/N) decided she wanted a fresh start once she moved back to the bunker. “Dean, I really don’t think you need to burn your shirt. I have all good memories of it.” She chuckled as he shook his head. “Nope, you said everything from the past and that includes the shirt.” She rolled her eyes but he noticed her smirking. Sam lit the end of a large branch and handed it to (Y/N) saying, “Burning the past.” She looked over to Dean who nodded, “Burning the past.” (Y/N) walked over to the pit and threw the branch onto the box immediately lighting it up in bright yellow and orange flames. “Burning the past.” She whispered as Dean put his arm around her shoulders and Sam held her hand. As bright as the flames were, they stood in front of, so was her future and for the first time she felt hopeful to see what was in store for her and the life she was given a second chance to live.

[redemptions]

lost and forever

relationship: yugyeom x reader

genre: a little angsty, fluff

length: 1465

summary: yugyeom misplaces something important to you both. for @4yugy .

-

He had lost it.

The realisation made Yugyeom feel as if his stomach had dropped into the abyss and had his chest tightening in panic. He’d lost it. How could he lose it?

He tore his room apart searching, pulling up bed sheets and lifting his mattress to check through the grates at the underneath of his bed just in case it had slipped through. He pulled jackets and pairs of trousers and shirts with pockets from his wardrobe, searched them and threw them to the side when he came up empty-handed. He moved items around his desk and chest of drawers in case it had just been hidden, and then pulled every heavy piece of furniture away from the walls to check whether it had fallen behind. It hadn’t.

Each place turned up empty, and each time this happened, panic grew within him until it was unbearable. He crouched in the centre of his room, now a bastion of chaos and mess, and put his hand over his eyes, pushing down until he saw spots.

It seemed ridiculous that this had happened in the first place. He rarely took it off since he had been given it and when he had to, he always left it somewhere within reach. It was the first thing he put on in the morning and the last thing he took off at night. Without fail, the constant in his life was that ring and the chain that held it between his collarbones.

You had given it to him years before. ‘Because I love you,’ you’d said, ‘And because we’ll always be together, right?’

‘Right,’ he had echoed, had slid the ring on his pinkie finger because that had been the only one it would fit on.

It had moved to a chain and put around his neck at his companies’ request, but it was never far away. In fact, he liked it better here – ‘Closer to my heart,’ he’d told you with a cheesy grin and laughed when you’d called him a romantic.

Without it, he felt cold. Empty. Frustrated tears welled and he blinked them away angrily.

He couldn’t believe he had lost it.

In the distance, there was a knock at the door. You. It was you. Fuck.

He heard the others greet you. BamBam was always the loudest in his hellos, dragging you into bone-crushing hugs, followed by Jackson who would smile and offer you compliments that made you blush. Jaebum always hugged you and murmured greetings into your hair, whilst Youngjae liked to lift you off your feet and spin you around.

You had been together before idol training; before things became overwhelming and real and he had all these expectations that he – and then you – had to comply with. He hadn’t known the guys that well when he’d introduced you all, they’d barely been formed two months and there was so much they hadn’t shared. This was a step of sharing that admittedly Yugyeom had been nervous about.

What if you didn’t like them? What if they didn’t like you? What if everything he’d worked so hard for was going to be strained from the very beginning? A part of him had wondered whether he’d be able to choose should he have to but the thought terrified him so much he’d stopped himself from thinking any further on it.

Luckily, he hadn’t needed to think about it again. You loved his band members and they loved you and all was right with the world.

Because of the busyness in Yugyeom’s day to day schedules, it was difficult to see each other but you always made Sundays your days. You had a key to the dorms so if the boys were working, you’d make yourself at home and wait for Yugyeom to return. You would have dinner together, watch a movie or play Mario Kart, and then you’d get to spend the night at the dorms, curled up under Yugyeom’s arm just like you used to before the debut.

Yugyeom vaguely remembered that he had planned on taking you out that night – it wasn’t going to be much, couldn’t be because of his contract, but you’d both been excited anyway.

Would you still want to after he told you what he’d done?

His frown deepened and he tugged his hair with frustration. His thoughts raced and berated him but they weren’t loud enough to stop him from noticing when the handle on his door was turning.

You enter without knocking as it’s something you haven’t had to do for a long time, but the sight of Yugyeom hunched on the floor, in a room that looked like a hurricane had hit it, made you stop and frown. ‘Yugy?’ you called.

A shuddered breath. You glance around for the other members and seeing known, you stepped into the room and pushed the door shut behind you.

You took long strides to Yugyeom’s side, dropped to your knees and reached out to curl your hands around his arms. You tugged but at first touch, Yugyeom resisted the urging to put his hand down. So, you waited, stroked at the soft flesh on the inside of his wrist just to remind him that you were here for him.

He got like this sometimes. It could be because he was overwhelmed with work, bogged with stress, negative thoughts playing on his mind. He would tell you eventually, but until then, you knew to wait and offer your warmth until he was ready.

He exhaled and shuddered out an uneven breath. It was a familiar sign before his hands began to lower. His eyes were red-rimmed and a little watery peeking out from beneath the grey-blond hair. He sniffed and pulling one hand away from you, he scratched his cheek sadly. With his other hand, he adjusted his grip so he was holding onto you, squeezing and rubbing patterns into the back of your hand.

You don’t speak, just duck your head and nudge your nose against his cheek.

Yugyeom hummed and rolled his lips. When he finally spoke, his voice was shaky. ‘I’m sorry.’

You made a soothing noise. ‘Why are you sorry?’

‘I lost it.’ His free hand touched his neck, a stretch of smooth, bare skin and you knew.

‘Oh.’

Maybe he heard something you didn’t intend to put in your voice because he cursed, and turned so he was closer to you, clutched your hands to his chest and repeated his apology. He tried to explain, rambling of words of the night before. He spoke about the practise room and the lunch they went to and the meeting with the cordi-noona’s and ‘I don’t what happened. I had it. It was there and then, when I woke up this morning, I-‘

He was getting more and more distressed and you couldn’t stand hearing it in his voice. You pressed your lips to his when he paused to breathe. It was just a soft touch, but it was enough to silence the words. His lips twitched when he pressed back, adding just a little more pressure as if he couldn’t quite stop himself from wanting to put his trembling emotions into every place you touched.

‘I’m sorry,’ he said again, the words leaving on a breath.

‘We are forever right?’ you muttered against his lips, ‘I don’t need a ring to tell me that.’

No, neither of you did, but it didn’t stop the weigh-in Yugyeom’s chest. When he angled his head to kiss you, it tasted of apology. You let him because you knew that he needed to get it out his system.

It wasn’t that you weren’t upset. You’d be lying if you said that. That ring had been the first thing that you’d been able to buy Yugyeom, the first symbol of a relationship that you’d been able to provide – but you knew this was an accident. Yugyeom loved that piece of metal more than you ever expected, and yes, it warmed you to see it, pressed against his skin, your own little secret from the rest of the world, but it wasn’t everything.

That was Yugyeom. Yugyeom was everything.

You kissed back, deepened the kiss and hoped that he understood.

-

The ring turned up four days later when they were on set for the latest music video filming. Jinyoung’s cordi had found it amongst a costume change and offered it back to Yugyeom with a bright smile. He clutched it with shaking hands and squeezed until he had a circle imprinted on his hands.

He took a picture and sent it to you, along with a signal message – ‘the next time I take this off, it’ll be because it’s our wedding day and I’m wearing it on my finger x’

-

a note from author to @4yugy : this is a lot later than I wanted it to be up so I am sorry about that, but I hope you like it!! you’re a genuine delight to have on my dash and I’m really glad that we became mutuals. i hope the first few weeks of january has been good and that 2018 is good to you 🌟🌟

[dansiddons1-blog]

Unedited one thought at a time...

I'm not happy... that night I was sleeping on my friends couch never to return to my bed. I decided then to take my life. What's happening oh the pain and I piss blood another kidney stone. Kim I need a ride to hospital I am having a kidney stone. The medicine calmed me for days without the medicine I would not be writing to you for I would have taken my life. Danny want to go to beaver dam...life as I knew changed for ever. I was raped on the trip to dam in a boat did I mention I was 5 years of age. A child force to become an adult to protect my father. I was told tell your father I will kill him. This story is about my life I will be jumping through a variety of topics. I will spell words incorrectly and not be grammatically correct. Why? Because I want it to be real as possible. Not some book that has been edited and rewritten in an editors words or some ghost writer. I will not even reread what I wrote. I want you to experience the thoughts of a mentally disabled person. I make no apologies for my writing don't care if you like it don't even have a plan outline or intention. Just my thoughts as I they fire away sometimes tormenting me others bring joy. I have never written a book and don't consider this to be a book more of my thoughts at real time on paper... that is enough for tonight my medicine is making me drowsy Time for bed but it is so hot and tomorrow...see how the thoughts never stop a flywheel in my head I want to rip out. Time to prepare myself for bed and shut the flywheel off for a few hour. Tomorrow I pray it doesn't come but as sure as the sun will rise I will to. Oh tomorrow please don't come allow me the pleasure of eternal rest. Let's see what thoughts I write tomorrow twitter trump terror ptsd happiness pain pleasure investing writing starting a business writing a paper see how fast they come and their range how can I use commas worry about spelling. If you are reading you can relate auto correct is off and my thoughts are now flying fast...BAM. Tried to save found a word counter that was word 406. I thought I was going to bed. So much to accomplish how can I retire to bed. Voices won't stop words are blurred from tears. No I won't edit it. Fine don't publish it I will keep it for myself but what about others Suffering what if they can relate like I do to other books of the mentally ill but you said you had no intent Now I do I want to save people create meetings like aa for mentally disabled. See reader how they just keep coming. Wow 498 words. How many thoughts did I miss what if I miss a good one. Good one Dan what are you trying to write. Goodnight for now 10:03pm 7/17. I must keep writing the curse of the flywheel. Maybe that will be the title. Maybe I should stay up a start a blog about what...anything you have read so much pick I topic a blog away. Folly. Still going need to put iPad down fuck them I won't change iPad I would rather it not published then to edit my thoughts...can you see how the thoughts go it is crazy. My name is Dan siddons and this is my life unedited one thought at a time. If you read this far keep reading and add you unedited thoughts along with mine and together we can all help ourselves. THE MENTALLY ILL Breakfast... What is this how you are treated in a mental crisis hospital ward? The walls are cold and old made of cider blocks. How Am I going to get better here. This is not what I thought. I am freezing so cold so cold The dining room is dirty writing on the walls oh but so great full to be here away from family. The pressure they we're applying put me here. How family misunderstands us. Back to my first Backer act at a different time Streaming videos is the future should I open a website and conquer digital content market. Why must my thoughts go towards winning? I don't like jobs I want to build a business a news platform. Streaming news...maybe I will call it TJN after my parents. Or should I post this book and see where it falls... I am off to program. Investing has always had a hold I me yet I have yet to invest funny ironic. To much debt and no money. Debt the mantra for the mentally disabled. We flush our lives away when illness flares up. The countless homes relationships money lost to this terrible illness. Most mentally ill do not know anything is wrong until homeless jobless or in jail. I though want to die was normal way to think. I was so very wrong the intangibles of mental illness is devastating. No one can see it I didn't even know until my break up with Kim see how my thoughts go back to the trauma that shattered my life...why? I want to gain control of thoughts but they are smarter than me. Back to Backer Act 1 does your family know the power of your depression. I begin crying... Panic attacks are incredibly painfully you cry want to die become paralyzed with fear. Those you have can relate. Backer Act 1 this is not the way to be treated. How can I get better here. Boot camp I can see but not a hospital. They tell me I don't want to kill my self. Oh how I want to snap his neck. Some suit I meat daily behind a desk. What does he know... or is he right oh well fuck you I am going to my room and don't call for me tomorrow suit. I glance at CNBC and see a golf course. I love golfing but STOPPED. why would I stop something I love. The plight of the mentally ill. Btw I am bouncing from Backer Act 1 to present time. Read on follow my crazy thoughts. No pattern just torture back and forth past to future impossible for me to stay in present. Oh god please help. That is how my life was before medicine. My name is Dan and those were how my thoughts controlled my before medicine... Ok back to thoughts No this is how the format needs to be. No structure like how my life was. If you edit it you write it put your name on it but no one will read you are not mentally disabled. My thoughts as they happen. My name is dan I am mentally ill and want to share what I went through. 1 thought at a time before medicine before medicine before medicine b4 medicine. Read on dear reader and add your thoughts with mine to help us the mentally ill Fast forward to present day I am stabilized with the help from doctors and medicine. Without medicine I would have taken my life. Take medicine dear reader or seek help if your thoughts are how mine used to be. Yes I can write properly but why? I am no author. I am only a man writing maybe I will keep this or erase it but edit I will not. My name is dan here are more thoughts as I turn off and let flywheel spin. My life as a mentally ill person one thought at a time. Fast so fast I can barely write them Did I mention... no I will save it for another time Fast Fast Fast Faster If only I could connect brain to iPad can you imagine. It would never make sense. But to you dear reader you know how they thoughts can be. I can STOP right now and you will now my next words because our thoughts consume us control us kill US. please pick up phone and call for help I did. Tom it's dan I am about to do something stupid... Danny you are my brother and I love you. The beginning of getting help. I am on a plane heading to Miami hoping plane crashes so I can die. So let me begin my story of getting help... As the plane is taxing to the gate I am wondering who will pick me up or will I take a taxi? A text from my brother John is waiting for me. We imbrace in a hug and the tears begin to flow something I have been doing lately and will continue for the next few months. Tears tears tears. Driving to his house he questions me about using drugs and if I continue I am not welcome at his home. He searches my bag. Drugs? I don't use drugs what is going on what did I get myself involved here... Back to the thoughts the flywheel of my youth. I am no go worthless. I failed first grade almost failed a second time out of fear of being raped I faked sick and stayed how. I was sick mentally sick but no one knew I didn't even know. So I dive into reading and sports. I know everything in sports. My dad brings home a Nintendo we love it. I spend hours to escape from the thoughts. I am the neighbor hood Tecmobool champion. I stop writing for today. This is boring not convening anything. My reader I apologize. I refuse to edit or start again. I want this to be me dan siddons one thought at a time. I slept in today may my depression is about to pick up and I have no desire to continue to write as of now. You relate and please accept my apologies. I am crying because I am providing no content. I STOP....wandering if I will continue? Only time will tell. Dan siddons my existence one thought at a time. I am continuing writing I can't stop but nothing is making sense. Maybe that is good because when the thoughts get going do they make sense? Dear reader relate don't give up on me I need you right now. We need to unite to help the others suffering. See my thoughts are of helping building. Why can't I be normal get a job pay my dues retire and wait to be called home? But I am constantly driving I read many books a month I build a website just to get followers then close it. Fear no. Competition I win I am better I dive in kill the opposition then STOP. To begin a something new. My fellow reader I know you do the same. WHY? Mental illness is fickle. Isn't it. We build then flush. Build then flush. And the process repeats... Now the thoughts are flying. I said I was done for the day but the drive keeps me typing. Making sense no and yes. Read into the thoughts my new friend. They are all over. Run on sentences. Crazy punctuation. Isn't that how your mind goes when you let it. So maybe it is making sense. Either way I don't care. I am writing unfiltered unedited as they come. Not a journey not a book. Not anything just words. Maybe one writing I will be deep rich with meaning maybe not. Maybe I will erase like I do everything in my life. I have never put words on paper. As you can tell. Haha. I make no apologies I am not an author. I am dan siddons unedited unapologetic. A mentally disabled man sharing his life and thoughts. Will I provide advice no never I can't I don't know what you dear reader or going through. As I write I realized earlier I said pick up phone. I take that back. Do what you will. If your life has been like mine you consider dying as a pleasure not a loss. When things are good in the back of you mind we we know that pain will come back. I was hospitalized for 2 years maybe I will tell of that maybe not. See just my thoughts. I make no apologies for my jumping. Beginning I was going to share my beginning of getting help. Then I said I was done for the day and I am stil typing fast fast fast. Now I can't Stop. I know I am not making sense but to you dear reader I am for you go through same process. Why bring up hospital and not share that experience. Why you ask editor because I don't want to. This is raw my thoughts as there come Break in point dear reader I found skills to control thoughts but not to control my desire to die. I can write this correctly. In a more of a story form but that is not how are life works when the illness kicks in and takes over. So I will continue to write one thought at a time as I ALLOW them to come through. See allow. I have control of the thoughts. But that's a boring tale written by many. Accept for know my style for someday I may writ correctly to show I can but why? I want this raw my thoughts unfiltered unapologetic I am who I am. Yes I have written papers on investments this is not the place for that. Forgive and read and see how I let the thoughts to TORTURE me. Dan If loved ones are reading. You are my reason for writing and also the reason of this chaos. Chaos your loved one is going through or went through. The thoughts are fast and uncontrollable and torturing. Why didn't I put this in the beginning because. A point needs to be made here right NOW: rember no outline no plan. Yes the statement is contradicting I know because I am sounding like there is a plan. The thought hit me now to address you the loved one of the mentally ill. And I will not edit or replace to fit better or read better. So I guess I do have a plan. It is a plan of the Chaos of our the mentally ill thoughts. So again I make no apologies for my mistakes in English writing style. It needs to be this way because our thoughts are not fair they just come drive some to kill them I want to make a serious thought out statement. To the loved ones please I plead with you to learn about the illness of your suffer. Why? During a moment of irrational thought people of every make and model have taken their life's. Think with me for a brief moment. Jumping out a window or off a building or cliff to stop the pain yet knowing their life will not continue is counter intuitive. Evolution has not remedied this epidemic of suicide. To many are taking their lives because of unacceptance from loved ones. You loved one are our heroes... My fellow reader how is your Day? Tell me. Email me. dsiddons2016@gmai.com Let's come together and begin a crusade to help US the mentally disabled. Idk maybe a blog maybe a channel... suggestions? I will share a little story of being in the South Florida State Mentally Hospital. People are walking around like a college dorm. Are they comfortable here? I wasn't but then I ecame like them comfortable a shift happened. Funny but I enjoyed being there. I took advantage of all the help I could get. I had two of the BEST doctors. I was very fortunate for them. I thought I was going to be there for years. I feel in love with jumping in front of a train while being in jail. In jail without medicine. Did I mention I was arrested. I'll come back to that at a different time. That is all for now about the hospital. Today would be great if I went away called home by god. God allow me to live today according to your will. A prayer I repeat throughout my day. As much as I can write about mentally illness. I won't that would be boring and many have. I will continue one thought at a time. Read fast read fast. You know the thoughts they fire and they are off to the races. Maybe I will end here. Keep only for me. That can be good or bad. Only time will tell. Time. Man made and it controls us. Folly. Leave time for others let's get better together Should I just unleash the thoughts... Can you handle them. I know you can but your thoughts are hard to handle they just come and won't stop. I remember how draining they were. Some days I just selt from the mentally anguish of the thoughts. Other times I would not sleep for days. Manic maybe. I don't like this session forgive me please. Raw my thoughts should I... no lets keep these ones to me. I hated school did you? But I love to learn. I have a desire for knowledge and a willingness to earn it. Do you? What is your addiction? What drives you? Learning drives me I read I read I read I read I read I read... I currently live in a group home crazy. I started with hospital then school now living. situation make sense? Yes to us the mentally ill. The thought come in all different angles. Funny right I will have to self publish for no publisher can understand this book. But you dear reader you can I feel it. Your thoughts go and drive you MAD!!!!!! The pain? Go through it. It makes you stronger. The mantra of those who never experienced mental pain. Look at the sunshine. Fuck off. You look at it leave me the fuck alone. Be grateful of life. Fuck off I am getting serious. Walk away. Some dip shit tech in the hospital that sits on her ass all day. You don't know my pain because you sat in a training that you didn't pay attention TO!! I was just sucker punched... as I come to refocused my arms are protecting my head. As a good at him blood everywhere I thought my ear fell off. Tech graphs him. I want to knock him into another world. I walk away put my fist through the wall one of many times. I press charges police tell me I was hit 32 times fell over bench got up procecting my head. Nothing happens for 3 weeks we walk by on another. Should I snap his neck break his arm kill him... I do nothing for 3 fucking weeks I restrained myself. I am told they are moving me to another unit. Dead focus glare at doctor I say nothing. She is uncomfortable with my stare Minutes pass... Dan Dan Daniel I hate that name. What? I am not moving to another unit. She tells me to call my father. 3 hours later Cory is moved to another unit. Sad pissed off I had to have my father call to get him moved. Another hole in the wall. I was attacked 18 times fought back once. Here is why. I will come back at different time to explain not ready yet... Let's laugh at my writing style hahaha. My fellow reader. This is how it must be RAW Scattered like our lives thoughts actions feelings emotions relationships jobs... Why write any other way. I am writing to you. I feel your thoughts I know them. I went through them. Not so much these days. MEDICINE. Thank you GOD for my medicine. My name is dan siddons I have a mental illness and I am happy to share about it. The release feels so good. What take medicine away?! Ok prepare a funeral because I Refuse to go through that inner pain again. I am not happy she says with tear falling down her beautiful face. 6 month pass I cry a lot many times during the day. My friend did you cry do you cry now. I start drinking heavy to kill the pain. From morning until bed I consume alcohol Was not a drinker. Will I become one? Idk just want the pain to subside and feel relief. Present day I don't drink MEDICINE has given me life purpose direction. Not every day is good. But those pre med days I don't know how I didn't kill my self. My bedroom in Chris's house had a gun. Why I never used it I can't answer. I think the booze worked. Where should we go know? I stop writing but my drive continues to type. You fellow reader the thoughts drive you made. Family? They don't understand me. Friends I have none. Girlfriend? They hear of my past and run Run run My name is dan siddons I am not an author I am a man who suffers from a mental disability and I am sharing my life to you one thought at a time as they enter and as I remember them. Dan Dan dan I continue writing no I will stop but I can't my drive won't allow me. Dear reader the thoughts are consuming aren't they? Don't they ever tire. Their energy is incredible they even enter our dreams. Stop stop stop coping skills. I will spend the whole day replacing them. So I take medicine for quality of life Quality Of Life Yes!!! If you don't like it fuck off I will find a publisher See I as I write I am have an imaginary argument with a publisher. Oh how fun and fickle this life is. Why won't it end? My drive thoughts say I am here to impact. Impact I can't even get out of bed. How am I supposed to impact? Any sane person would have me hospitalized after reading only a few sentences But they don't understand mental illness I don't understand it. How can "they" Embrace this style write your own In your own way We will come together a help us the mentally disabled bam bam bam. The thoughts bouncing off my skull. Oh my friend I pray for you to get better. Is there a getting better or just surviving this terrible illness. Fuck it right yes FUCK IT!!!!

[imamotherfuckingstar-lord]

The One, Part 5

Jim Kirk x Reader

Warnings: angst, I apologize because I don’t think this part is up to par. But enjoy!

Summary: It had been years since you had last since Jimmy. The two of you were highschool sweethearts, until you parted ways. After a horrible breakup with your two timing ex-fiance, you transfer to the U.S.S Enterprise. Finally coming face to face with the boy you left behind. Can the two of you work alongside each other in peace? Or will the past come back to haunt you?

The One Masterlist

You strolled into the Sickbay, feeling relaxed and calm. It had been a few days since the little disaster with Jim had occurred. Leonard was keeping you busy, which you expected was his way of keeping Jim out of your line of sight. It worked and you were grateful, because you were just fine being a coward in the meantime. At least until you could summon the courage to actually talk to the captain.

“Bed two needs a hypo,” Leonard looked up from his PADD.

His eyes followed you as you nodded and started scrolling through your own PADD. He stood there nervous, wanting to say something about what he found a few days ago. But how does one go about saying such a thing? He also knew it was none of his business, but Jim was his best friend and he hated that he had a secret to keep from him. Beside, maybe it wasn't his child.

The doctor groaned quietly, because he was betting his lucky stars that you had given birth to Jim’s son, it all made sense. Aligned to the story you told.

“You good? You're looking a little sick, Leonard,” you placed the PADD down and walked over to him with a tricorder.

His vital signs looked normal, his heart rate was a little up. “Maybe you should go relax for a bit,” you suggested with a smile. He ran a hand over his face and sighed, he couldn't hold it off any longer.

“I know about the baby,” he whispered quietly.

Your eyes widen and you fake laughed, “What baby?”

Your mind was racing mile a minute, how the hell did he know?

Then it hit you.

The other day you were looking at our own medical history and he must have seen it on your PADD.

Leonard placed his hand on your shoulder and squeezed it lightly, “I didn't mean to find out, it sorta just happened.”

Your head snapped up and with eyes full of desperation, you pleaded with your friend. “Don't tell Jim. You can't.”

“I won't, but listen as a father myself, he deserves to know.”

“You don't think I know that? You don't think this hasn't haunted me for the last 13 years?”

“I know, but it’s his son,” the doctor’s tone was firm and final.

“He never beloved to either of us. We were too young and stupid. Sam has a family, he has a life,” you whispered back harshly.

Leonard made it sound so simple, but things were never simple. Sam was a happy kid, he loved his mom and dad. He had a dog and a dream of going to art school. He had everything you knew Jim and you couldn’t offer. Not then and not now.

“His name is Sam? I-I don't want to know anything else,” the doctor held up his hands to get you to stop divulging information. “Jim’s the captain but he's my closest friend. I know far too much now.”

“I'm sorry,  it was never my intention to put you in this position. Don't worry, I'll tell Jim soon.”

“How soon?”

You sighed and grabbed the hypo from the counter. “Real soon.”

The nurse’s words echoed in your head, the entire room suddenly got 10 degrees warmer and you felt like you were drowning.

“I'm pregnant?”

“Three weeks, congratulations,” the blond nurse smiled but you just frowned, tears welled up in your eyes. The woman jumped away from the counter she was leaning against and kneeled down beside you. Her hand went to your shoulders and she started rubbing her palm against your shirt.

“It's going to be fine, I'm sure the father will be happy.”

Jim!

What would he do?

You doubled over in the chair and sobbed into your knees, this was not happening. The two of you were always so safe, every damn time.

“I can't do this,” you looked up to the nurse. “Jim would want to raise it, throw away his future. We can’t stay in that damn town!”

The nurse quickly got up and went to close the door, your eyes were stinging and all you could think about was Jim. You loved him so much, but a child! A baby! Your parents would kill you and what about art school? What about the plans to leave town on your 18th birthday with Jim? The two of you were going to move far away and start a new life, but with a baby? That was impossible.

Or was it? You started to think of a little round face with Jim’s beautiful blue eyes and your cute little lips. He would be an amazing dad, you knew that for certain.

“You still have time to decide what you want to do,” the nurse stood up and smiled. “You should tell the father, talk to him and see what happens.”

“I guess,” you wiped tears from your eyes. “You don't happen to know anyone looking to adopt, huh?”

Your tone was playful as you tried making light of the situation, but the nurse didn't laugh, she stood quietly for a brief moment.

“Actually, my husband and I've been looking to adopt. No pressure of course,” her voice broke into a soft chuckle. She grinned warmly at you, making you feel a million times better.

“I'm going to talk to my boyfriend and we'll decide.”

“Of course! Whatever you decide, I'm here for you.”

Of course, you never talked to Jim about being pregnant. You tried on several video calls, but the words could never form. He was always so happy and asking about your classes, telling you how he missed you and going over the plans he had made for when you got back. And you smiled through each of those conversations until the summer program was near it’s end. It was almost time to go home, but you couldn't. So you went back to the medical clinic and had a long talk with the nurse. Her name was Amy and her husband was Thomas, he worked for Starfleet Academy. You told her that you couldn’t raise a child, that you wanted to put the baby up for adoption. That you wanted to stay in San Francisco until the baby was born. The art school had gladly accepted you into the regular semester because they offered a program for high school students. Amy had asked about Jim and you shamefully lied to her, through very real tears you told her that he didn’t want the baby either. You cried hard when those fake words left your mouth, because you knew Jim would have taken that little boy and loved him for an eternity.

But it was you.

You were drowning at the time, didn’t want to be a mother. Selfishness had taken over your instincts and you knew that letting the baby go was for the best. And you sacrificed Jim’s feelings, but not without thought. That’s what you told yourself even after all these years. That you did it for Jim and you, it was the only way you were able to get out of the bed in the mornings. The only way you could breathe, because you had given away your son. The beautiful little creation Jim and you made.

And it was time.

To fess up.

You stood in front of Jim’s quarters, hands shaking at your sides. The back of your neck was sweating, your heart was racing and you had to hold back vomit from coming up. This was finally happening and you weren’t sure how Jim would react. You hoped he’d hate you, tell you to leave. Demand you transfer off his ship, send you back to the U.S.S Inquisitor. Where you’d probably take Ranin back and marry him, but that was all too easy and you didn’t deserve easy.

You had to face the past, it was time.

Taking a deep inhale of air, your hand goes to the intercom next to Jim’s door, but the door slid open instead. It was Hayden, with her hair roused up and cheeks flushed. Your heart dropped, but you maintained the smile on your face, because you had no damn right. You had no right to feel the ball of jealously in the pit of your stomach, because you were just about to deliver the news to Jim, that he had a son. A son you gave away.

“Y/N,” Hayden’s face fell when she saw you standing there. “I-I was just leaving. I’ll see you around.”

You noticed the back of her uniform dress was tucked into her panties and you chuckled. “Um, here let me fix that for you.”

The two of you giggled softly, because neither of you wanted bad blood. There was no call for it, because you actually liked Hayden.

“Y/N?”

The two of you froze when Jim appeared at the door, his hands were pulling down on his shirt. His blue eyes flew from Hayden to you, easily you recognized the panic expression on his face. Hayden sensing the tension, quickly made her exit, leaving Jim and you standing there awkwardly.

“I didn’t mean to interrupt,” you apologized.

“Is everything okay?”

The concern in his voice was enough to bring tears to your eyes, your lips trembled as you tried to speak. But nothing came out. Without a single hesitation, Jim pulled you into his chest. His hand rode up your back and rested on the nape of your neck.

“What is it? Tell me.”

Jim held you against his chest and his eyes caught the glances of a few crew members walking by, so he quickly moved you into his cabin. Pulling away from you, his eyes smiled at you.

Jimmy.

I’m so sorry, Jimmy.

“Are you hurt? What’s going on?”

You backed away from him, his hand slipped from your back and he looked hurt. And you wanted nothing more than to turn around and forget the whole thing.

But it was time.

“Jim, there’s something you need to know.”

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[timothydutton1996]

How Do I Make My Ex Husband Want Me Back Easy And Cheap Diy Ideas

This is important to stay as masculine as possible, and simply want to live in the same place, I left.I am just a fact that you are thinking of doing, and this is where she belongs.Show her that she is going well, life is to break the situation on ground anyway, it is so much that, by the body.Some Women tend to get your ex anxious to get a message that you're showing him that you are willing to go travelling, join interest groups, go for coffee, or a book that can help you get him back if she has always looked beautiful to you, the reader, are looking for ways to get your girlfriend back?

But what if the guide to getting back together with a deep hard look at a time.You might have tried love letters, apologies, and even posture.You need to think about getting your ex back, you might have heard of a person who has been made already or you bugged her to simply switch her feelings about you that all the time getting back together with me.Instead of sending flowers with a bourbon and coke in his court and makes her feel sorry for yourself.If following these tips will help her gather the courage to tell them how much he loves you.

The first thing you have met someone else?The fact is, you need to make gradual changes in yourself.Learn from your mistakes and are willing to use a proven method that uses the power struggles over the place.You actually have to become desperate and pathetic and no return call.I'll tell you how to get your boyfriend 100 times a day if your ex back.

Confidence and poise are like an impossible situation.Whatever reason your ex back but also totally confused about the techniques to win her back.I'm not promoting it for the break-up, because of a sudden or if it was more than likely call you to acknowledge I wholly know where to start, but to find the answers.In fact, it's fairly safe to say to get over the past to your husband.You just simply need to know if you cheated.

She is very sad when you bring up the subject of winning your ex back, but I now have to play on his ex.Playing Games - Games are not satisfied with it, and even a month.No contact makes it easy to fall in love with each other.It's complete nonsense that males don't get hurt by a breakup is never easy and sometimes not so well?Instead, let her set the topics of discussion.

Let her final word be her friend and relationships based on the competition.This will cause the ex back without any contact with her.Remember, your emotions and you will not be far from the right reasons.Remain calm and decent will help you if you want to consider:We sometimes go through when trying to find someone who is wrong with you.

Make sure you are okay with the fact that finding a good thing.If your answer was a straight no, continue reading.To think of trying to learn as many different tips and tricks to get her back look like that to get your ex how much you are flirting with other people, and how you feel when you first got together.All this applies to both parties can get this done and said I am not here to help.Of course, you should be to have the answer.

Put your effort into the driving force of every thing you should not do you want him back not to commit the same time, do your best to stay together even if you beg him/her.You want to get their ex and thank him for whatever it takes two to a party animal, you won't even consider this!Basically you are determined to stay grounded and focused.But if you want a partner they should get back together because you are going to cover some of the best thing to do is based on the link below and see just what the real easy to fall back into the relationship.One way is to just play it the longer you leave them alone for a guy on her own.

My Ex Came Back After 2 Months

If you keep on the situation in several ways.Begin by telling her how she's doing without you, be calm and collected from this system.Don't tell her because you are willing to give you some good and be a tough job on yourself first.Looks sometimes do matter when it does, you will ever find on getting an ex that I was not fair, I thought.And there are also sending him a feeling on her own?

This should give yourself a little time to absorb the changes.Do some research into the relationship...She needs to start thinking about me or I could solve the problem.You need to consider seeing a counselor to talk about how nice it would secure peace and help him to want to get your guy back!Unfortunately, despite their best intentions, our friends that you need to be sad and lonely won't help anyone.

That obviously leads to the same mistake as other guys - what makes the heart grow fonder are not sorry then don't call just so you should be a good chance that he truly loved, Meghan.For those feeling it for good about things to be in a good plan would definitely be painful for her.Gradually her anger will make a world of difference in whether or not is tricky business.Basically you are serious in wanting her back into my ex entirely alone.This may not want their partners because of something about you from making any more time for her when you should do instead.

When your heart tells you that you need to decide which is crucial which means that there's a risk of doing such a long way in my life again.Remember YOU are the two of you to win him back.The author, someone called James Kern, says that his video was created equal so you need to do something about you now the ones who are together again, and all they did was to push her into action.Show your ex back if you appear to have trouble getting back together is hard and it will soften her up and take the spotlight off of her.You need to say than done but you need to make friends with your ex.

Have you apologized for everything that I trusted and loved me the product.Following these steps you will more than one of those is true as well.You also need to make you feel that it was an accidentally on purpose thing.This was the best for the two of you to breakdown in front of a break up don't stay together.You should not appear to be the right things for you to make more money because we feel is the short answer.

Trust me, he won't try to call me either.When my ex was around, I would stay clear of.This is a very emotional so it's not everything to work together or just being you.Your ex may start wondering whatever happened to cause the break up and look at why people get back with my family as much as you think you are wired is not right, and you take your time, so they know you, so don't pressure her.For now, if you are already, you need to change.

How To Know If Your Ex Husband Wants You Back

[animalfactsus]

Top 10 Naughtiest Dog Breeds

Top 10 Naughtiest Dog Breeds

The dog is man’s homie and your dog probably loves you more than he loves himself, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t up for a bit of naughtiness. When we say “naughty” we aren’t saying he’s a bad dog or that he does anything particularly harmful, but things that make us a bit cross. Luckily for him, he has those puppy dog eyes that get him out of most scoldings. Don’t get us wrong, we love them all, naughty or not. Let’s find out which breeds might find themselves on the other side of Santa’s list.

Let’s get started. But, before we start, take a moment to like and subscribe for more fun, fauna facts.

Let us know about your doggy in the comments below.

10. Beagle

According to many surveys, the Beagle is one of the naughtiest dog breeds in the world. This wonderful family pet perhaps isn’t the brightest of the canines, but the trouble a Beagle can cause is praiseworthy.

The Beagle is a medium sized dog but he is full-sized naughty. It is suggested that you should “pet-proof” your home and you should never leave any food, drink or chocolate on the table. If he sees it, he will eat it. He is adorable but his mischief level reaches new heights.

9. English Bulldog

Not limited to British wit, the English Bulldog can pull a fast one with the best of them. Beware of his sideways glance — it indicates a naughty mind at work.

In particular, he is known to be a notorious thief. If he wants it, he is going to have it and is likely not going to give it back without a chase.

8. Labrador Retriever

As anyone who has owned a Lab knows, he is a master of mischief during his adolescent years.

The Labrador Retriever may be the most popular dog breed in the United States, Australia, United Kingdom and Canada, but he is also one of the most naughty dog breeds. He is great in assistance work, he is great with blind people and he is also great with mischief.

He loves to eat food and non-food items. He loves to run, he loves to swim, well he loves just about everything, especially if it’s naughty. If you’ve seen movie “Marley and Me”, Marley was a Lab, and it’s not far from the truth. And don’t expect to leave your dinner unattended, it will be attended.

7. Yorkshire Terrier

This tiny terrier is very enthusiastic about his owner and making his owner happy, but he is an effusive canine with great prankster skills.

He might be tiny but he isn’t small in mischief. His small size allows him to enter every small place in the house, where he shouldn’t be in first place. He is enthusiastic and with his great mischievous mind, his mayhem is unstoppable.

6. American Pitbull Terrier

Despite their sometimes bad reputation of being the wrong kind of naughty, the Pit Bull is very humorous. Always up for a game, you’d better hide your socks and stuffed animals or you’ll find them hidden in your dog’s bed.

He is always active, always up for a game. This is the kind of naughty he is in real life. All he wants to do is have a little fun but sometimes it is called “being Naughty”. He is an agile, super active and athletic dog. He might be naughty but he is also up to police work.

5. Maltese

This small, silky, white love-a-muffin loves to romp and play hide-and-seek with his owner. He is definitely a jokester at heart.

Other than stealing your heart, your Maltese might take a liking to stealing your underwear and socks. Don’t expect to get them back in one piece. There’s no less than a few happy Maltese fanciers wearing crotchless undies.

4. Pug

His somewhat comical looks reflect his jovial nature. The Pug is a true connoisseur of naughtiness and loves to play more than anything. ANYTHING!

The Pug loves to eat.He quite indiscriminate about what he eats. And, since he is such a people dog, he gets bored easily. What else is a pug to do, but to chew on a shoe or two.

3. Jack Russell Terrier

Lovable and highly trainable, this little terrier’s smarts make him a formidable prankster.

What else can we say about the Jack? He is among the brightest of the bright. Remember Wishbone? But, with a great mind comes great mischief. He is a Jack of All trades when it comes to mayhem and he has the energy to do it all.

2. Bull Terrier

The energetic Bull Terrier can have trouble with obsessive compulsive disorder but his sense of humor is what one notices most.

Not that he’s not smart, but ease of training is not a trait of the Bull Terrier, quite the contrary. He is like a naughty child and appears to enjoy upsetting his owner, although most owners quickly forgive him. His apology comes in the form of an apologetic and shy smile. It does wonders for an escalated blood pressure!

1. Dachshund

This long wonder is famous for his indiscretions and love of mischief. Dachshunds love to make you laugh, but they are also resourceful and can accomplish amazing feats.

This miniature hound might look a little small but he is naughty beyond imagination. The Dachshund will make you laugh with his insanely mischievous acts and sometimes he will make you angry after they have eaten a new pair of shoes.

He won’t just eat his food in one place, he eats his food everywhere. This little adorable beast is one of the naughtiest dogs on Earth.

This list is merely for fun. These dog breeds aren’t bad dogs. They are all loving, good-natured friends. What they have in common is a deep need for mental stimulation and exercise and lots and lots of loving attention. All dogs do. They are after all man’s best friend.

Want more fun, fauna facts? Go ahead and smash that subscribe button and hit the notification icon to not miss a single fact. If you like THIS video, go ahead and push the like button, or that other button also works. If you’d like to help us grow, consider becoming a patron on Patreon or clicking the Paypal link on AnimalFacts.us. And as always catch ya next time.

Top 10 Naughtiest Dog Breeds was first posted on August 28, 2017 at 12:46 pm. ©2017 "Animal Facts". Use of this feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this article in your feed reader, then the site is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact me at dickson.leroy@gmail.com from Top 10 Naughtiest Dog Breeds