#since i have two younger brothers 10 & 8 they have access to the internet and i guess i get a little bossy but i try to make sure theyre

[cephalonheadquarters]

internet safety is a wonderful thing and so important and i love being safe online soooooo much

[allie1804-fan]

Kerensa Part 2

This is a continuation of Kerensa which you can find here:

Kerensa (Part 1)

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5 , Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapter 8, Chapter 9, Chapter 10, Chapter 11, Chapter 12, Chapter 13

Chapter 1

Settling down

On their return to Sennen, they decided to stay until the end of October which would give Kerry time to make plans for the cottage. Then they would return, either at Christmas or New Years, to see her sister and her family.

Day to day, life living together was comfortable - they each found the other easy to live with and she was relieved to find that he was a tidy person and didn’t expect her to do all the heavy lifting on domestic tasks which had been a bone of contention with her ex. She did do most of the cooking though as that wasn’t his forte, however he had taught himself a little during his time in lockdown and also in Cornwall given you can’t eat out so easily there as in LA. His forte was definitely sandwiches for lunchtimes - he could wax lyrical about sandwich choices and creation and he could rustle up a couple of pasta dishes his sister had taught him as well as cook a mean steak.

They had a chat about pet peeves to try and head off issues, from the possibly trivial (like no coming in for a pee while I’m in the bath (they had 2 toilets in the house after all) to getting a cleaner and then more fundamental issues like phone privacy, honesty, not sleeping on an argument and so on.

After a couple of weeks, she commented that living together felt good and easy and she admitted how nervous she’d been, after Tresco, that they would be brought back to reality with a bump with the day to day of living together. He warned her it might not be so great when he’s filming.

“I can get a bit obsessive, reclusive. You’ll have to call me on it if I neglect you but I will try not to turn in on myself. But I also used to take on projects more I think to fill my life, I feel now I should get even more picky, now that there’s something, well someone else worth spending time on!”

Kerry had already given up waitressing due to the writing needing more time, so they often split their time between Cornwall and London where he could take meetings and do PR or press if needed while there and she would see her agent and publisher. They established a rhythm of 4 days working and 3 off for leisure and trips back in Cornwall or elsewhere. She took him to Lords to see a cricket test match, laughing as she tried to explain the intricacies of the game. Being a sports guy, he enjoyed it despite the occasional confusion at what was going on!

Another trip was to Oxford, where he’d discovered she studied at university. Their early lives had never come up in conversation til one evening they were watching an old episode of “Inspector Morse” which she said she loved.

“Reminds me of student days”

“Huh? You studied …… there?”

“Yup” she grinned at his amazement. “Don’t you think I’m clever enough?!” her eyes sparkled with mischief.

“No, god, no I mean yes!” he garbled “it’s not that, it’s just wouldn’t that be, you know like one of your highlights you drop in, you know, to impress!”

She giggled.

“Well I guess it wasn’t like that with us was it? Neither of us was trying to impress, and educational or other achievements never came up otherwise you’d have been telling me about all the A list directors who’ve chased you to work with them or how many millions you’ve made or how you were the internet’s boyfriend!”

“Stop, stop, ok, you know all that stuff?”

She nodded yes. “You only have to read one or two decent articles to get all that info you know!”

“OK but anyway back to you, so wow, Oxford!”

She told him how she’d studied English at St Catherine’s, one of the modern colleges (well, one that was built in the 1960s not the 1560’s!) and it favoured a more state school intake than the likes of Christchurch or Magdalen where old Etonians gravitated.

“But I still got to go to tutorials in the dreaming spires parts so it was a wonderful experience. We should go, on the way back from London next week. I’ll give you the tour.”

They fitted in a visit, staying at the Randolph Hotel as a treat for Kerry. She explained to him that it was always there that the well-to-do murderers in Morse episodes had stayed and it was totally central in the city too. He donned a beanie and shades to try and keep a little anonymity as they strolled around the city and she used her alumni card to get free access to some of the splendid college gardens.

There was some publicity while they were there due to fans spotting him in a pub where he’d taken his beanie and sunglasses off while they sat to eat. A small crowd had gathered as they’d left and at first it was fine, just taking selfies but when Kerry got jostled by an overzealous fan, Keanu nearly lost it, starting to drag her away but she stopped him.

“Look, don’t punish the nice guys for that one idiot. Leave her out but I’ll just go sit out of the way for a sec while you do your thing”

“You sure?” She nodded and he went back to the gathered fans, taking selfies for about 15 minutes. The rude fan stalked off when he pointedly ignored her.

“Phew that was a bit intense,” she said afterwards. It’s like news of your presence spread like wildfire!”

“Yeah took me a little off guard too. I mean usually, it only happens in airports or hotels when people get wind you are there due to an event, not so much day to day, at least not a crowd like that. Look try not to worry.” he reassured. Fortunately, the rest of their stay there passed without incident.

He’d already told Cheryl that he and Kerry were now an item and warned Kerry that at some point there might be pictures in the press and some intrusion. After that incident, she also talked to her literary agent and publishers - they were pleased, only saying the attention could be positive for her book but she hoped it wouldn’t distract or appear like she was using him. After all, she’d been pursuing her writing long before she even met him.

Before they left the UK, they made a visit to see her sister and her partner and kids. Kerry loved to see how well he got on with her brother-in-law and niece and nephew and how readily they just accepted him as her partner. But her sister couldn’t help but be worried about her younger sibling. In a quiet moment in the kitchen over breakfast, she said

“I can see he loves you, god those puppy dog eyes gazing at you last night - how do you get anything done?! But I do worry about you going away to America for long spells. Won’t you be horribly isolated, lonely even?”

“I’ll be fine” she reassured “I’ll still have my writing to do and Scout, and we have each other. It will take some getting used to, sure, but it’s just a change of location really. It’s not like I see my friends that often anyway in person. Cornwall might as well be LA if you think about how unwilling most people have been to visit me since I moved!”

@fortheloveoffanfic @kindainlovewithkeanu @omg-imagine @keanureevesisbae @penwieldingdreamer @paperplanesandwallflowers @witty-wallflower @karlee1225 @bitchyslut99 @toomanystoriessolittletime @ladyreapermc @kissmyromanticquote @tacticalchics @utterlynuts @kylosbitch @thebigbubowski @thelightnessofthebeing @donakamark @gatsbynouvel @keanuficfiles @fanficsrusz @jardaniswife @cheezbort @mazzylana97 @maggiemoo1892 @girlfriday007 @siriussnape07 @yomnaislame @soarocks @fadingkideclipseempath @franny-banks-world @keanulowe @babylovejongin @lucky134ever @jasmindaughteroftheworld @tomorrowsanotherday @fokinqueen @littlefreya @leftyreea @wheretheriversrunintothesea @iworshipkeanureeves ' @ficsnroses @fickenstein @popacherryvisitalibrary @aah8903 @thethirstyarchive @cynic-spirit @australianpsychos @meetmeinthematinee@fics-not-tragedies

[raging-violets]

1-10 + Averey! For detailed oc ask!

Unless specifically stated, I answered these questions in regards to both my Flash and Criminal Minds fics. Most of the answers fit both, but still.

1. What’s their full name? Why was that chosen? Does it mean anything? - Averett “Averey” Charlotte Kane Moore. She’s named after a school her mom attended for exchange, and her mom’s parents. I didn’t pick the name to really mean anything. I always give my OC’s nicknames, and while I do use Ave to shorten Averey, I felt I needed a longer version of her name, too.

2. Do they have any titles? How did they get them? - Nope, no titles

3. Did they have a good childhood? What are fond memories they have of it? What’s a bad memory? - Averey had a great childhood. Whether it was the first three years of her life with just her mom as a single mom, or the years with her mom and step-father, she’s enjoyed it all. One thing she, and her mom, and step-dad do regularly is watch the sunset on the beach on Christmas Day. A bad memory is one time her parents got into a huge enough fight where her mom got out of the car they were all traveling in and decided to walk home.

4. What is their relationship with their parents? What’s a good and bad memory with them? Did they know both parents? - Averey has a great relationship with her parents. Apart from some big things (like her arrest and time in jail) she keeps from them, she usually tells them everything that’s going on in her life. A bad memory is the one listed in the question above (that one really shook/stuck with her since). A good memory is one of Averey’s birthdays where she got to decide everything they did for the day; which mean they had ice cream for breakfast.

5. Do they have any siblings? What’s their names? What is their relationship with them? Has their relationship changed since they were kids to adults? - This is a half spoilery answer which you would either figure out by reading my Criminal Minds fic as it will come up real soon, or when I got to Earth-2 in my Flash fic, but Averey has two half-brothers. One older and one younger. Her older half-brother is Barry Allen (goes by a different name in my Flash fic), and her younger half-brother is Levi Kingston. She has a closer relationship with Levi as her relationship with Barry is good and bad, steady and rocky, off and on over the course of the events of the show.

6. What were they like at school? Did they enjoy it? Did they finish? What level of higher education did they reach? What subjects did they enjoy? Which did they hate? - School was never hard for Averey. In subjects she didn’t care too much about, she never put forth that much effort in so her grades were pretty so-so. But for topics she was interested in, she’d get top marks really easily. She has a bachelor’s degree and is considering getting a higher degree as well. History was always her top subject as she likes taking the time to research things. She hates science.

7. Did they have lots of friends as a child? Did they keep any of their childhood friends into adulthood? - I feel like a lot of people, Averey had a lot of friends when she was a kid, but they did tease her a lot about it only being her and her mom. As she got older, she naturally parsed her friend group down, but then it pretty much imploded when she went to the US and got arrested. It’s hard to keep in touch with anyone when you have no internet access. Now her only friends are the ones she’s made in whatever city she’s in.

8. Did they have pets as a child? Do they have pets as an adult? Do they like animals? - No pets. With her traveling a lot, she wouldn’t have a lot of time to take care of one. She’s always wanted a dog, though.

9. Do animals like them? Do they get on well with animals? - The only animals she doesn’t like at all are birds. They could be someone’s pet. They could be part of an animal petting experience, doesn’t matter. She absolutely hates and is terrified of birds. 10. Do they like children? Do children like them? Do they have or want any children? What would they be like as a parent? Or as a godparent/babysitter/ect? - Averey hasn’t been around a lot of kids so she doesn’t really know one way or another if she likes children. I would say kids view Averey as one of the “cool adults” that listens to them and teaches them cool things if ever approached by them. She thinks it’d be nice to have kids, but also doesn’t see it as the end of the world if she never has any. If she did, Averey would be a pretty laid back parent. Hopefully the type that her child would feel comfortable telling them anything so they could work together to solve a problem. As a godparent, babysitter, aunt, she would for sure spoiler the child to bits and let them get away with anything within reason.

--

Super Detailed OC Questions | Ask Box

[memorylang]

Remembering Mom—Third Year After | #36 | May 2020

I joined Peace Corps chiefly to experience part of my mom’s life teaching English in Asia. Thus, nearing one year since I left the States for Peace Corps, I reflect now on what I’ve come to understand about her... and me. 

Coincidentally, this story #36, published on my normal Friday schedule, coincided with May 8, 2020, the exact day marking 36 months since my mother’s sudden death. While most events occur during Week 9 (Chinese number for longevity), this story begins Week 10 (number for perfection). Amazing. 

As something unprecedented to this blog, I felt transcribing for you one of my penned free writes would give the clearest sense of where I’m at with Mom. So expect a tone different from my blogging norm. 

A Story for Mothers’ Day

[4/22/20]

God gave imagination as a gift, so [I use] it now to envision [my] mother and grandma. [My paternal grandma Mary] and [Mom] greet [me] in the meadow. They smile lovingly, and [I feel] their warmth. 

“I want to tell you everything,” I emote. “Life under quarantine has led me so much closer to you.”

The two continue smiling, kind eyes wide. I go on, speaking the frankness I long to know. [...] The two seem so glad I’m taking time to share with them. I muse I’ve really nothing better to do at 11 p.m. on this Wednesday night. They’re glad. 

“Anyway, I hope you’re enjoying it up there together with everyone else. Mom, I envisioned you with your parents and brother some sleepless nights ago. Mary, I imagine you, too, at peace with your parents and among your son and your husband. You all must be doing just fine in Heaven.” [...]

“Do you have any advice up there for me on the spiritual life? It gets awfully tough down here sometimes. I know you know. [...] Rosaries help, that’s true. And acts of kindness are certainly key. [...] My, you two both had busy families to attend to. I guess you must be praying beside Jesus now, for the rest of us still here on Earth. [...] Maybe it’s hard watching us all slip and fall sometimes. But then again, you’ve such hope in us. Thank you for praying on our behalf.”

I try to think of what else I might say while the Spirit’s given me their attention. I feel moved by how the two grew up from such humble origins yet were so loving all the same. [...] I hope in Heaven they've gotten to know each other very well. 

“I guess one area that’s troubling me these days is the prospect of pursuing academia. It’s daunting. It’s tough. But Mom, you did it. And Grandma, you sound like you had so much hope. So, I guess I’ve patron Saints like you up there helping me here, reading while I read, praying while I pray.” [...]

“I mean, heck, Grandma, I’m writing to you as though I know you, but I don’t believe we’ve met. I hope you don’t take offense. You don’t sound like the woman who would, though.”

*sigh*

“It’s a big world out here on Earth. I guess it’s even bigger in the heavenly kingdom. Oh, how I wish I’d be better at taking breaks and just resting in the majesty of your world. God made us to love, more than to work. [...] And in time, we’ll be healed to something beyond the beginning. That’s the resurrection. This is Easter. 

“Maybe you two get to spend holidays together. If you haven’t I hope you try it. In mortal time, Mom’s been up there nearly three years, anyway. I like the term, ‘passing on’ more than ‘passing away,’ by the way. I think you’ve moved from this life to the next more than you’ve simply left this one. 

“How joyful it must feel to live in a reality without status, one where all are one! Perhaps my depravity in this life will teach me gratitude in the next, as Peace Corps informed my time right now. That’d be nice…”

The two gesture it’s getting late, and there are things I’ve still to do tomorrow. But I shouldn’t forget to cherish my pilgrimage on Earth while I’m still on it. They’re right on both these accounts.

I’m glad of the time we spent together in these short moments. May the Spirit guide and protect me onward to my rest and return to living tomorrow. All is well.

Wrote My Way Out

Although this is the first and only 2017-2020 free write I’ve shared publicly among nearly 100, I felt its content valuable to help you witness a grieving process. And no, I don’t imagine Heaven as a place, “up there,” exactly. But since childhood, I’ve pictured my “happy place” as a meadow of Psalm 23.

Now I’ll give context. 

That Week 7 (April 17-23), I’d just finished seeing “Star Wars IX: The Rise of Skywalker” and felt too annoyed to sleep. Still, a few of Skywalker’s quotes spoke to me: “A thousand generations live in you now,” “You have everything you need,” “No one's ever really gone.” 

The quotes reminded me of my “Frozen II” feels and brought to mind a sleepless thought I had earlier. As in Mongolia, I struggled at times to sleep these past months home and would think to Mom. I envisioned her at peace, reunited in Heaven with her parents and older brother who passed while she was rather young. Mom came from a troubled childhood, I’d learned. But her older adulthood spiritual struggles inspire me to this day. 

Generations In Me

Nearly a month before, Week 3 (March 20-26), I’d begun home improvement operations, namely garage sorting and donation projects. My younger USC sister helped during her visit home the following week, too. 

Uncovering Dad’s old family photos on our Austrian-American side, I felt motivated to dig into family history. So I aggregated years of emails between an uncle and me and paused my garage operation to spend nearly two days straight weaving stories into one narrative. 

I uncovered on Dad’s side, generations of faithful heroes in a vaguely biblical way. Through my uncle’s resources, I traced back at least three ancestral marriages of a ‘Joseph’ and a ‘Mary.’ A couple of my Austrian ancestors had 12 children, a Christian number. And those parents may have met on a Marian pilgrimage. I felt awed to have genes from them, who walked before. 

But I felt most moved by stories of my late grandmother, Dad’s mom. As among the Marys who married a Joe, she was especially devout, relatives said. And only later in life did my uncle, who would study German, learn his mother came from a troubled childhood. My grandparents’ devotions to the rosary and ancestors’ devotion to our Holy Mother shone new light upon my spiritual lineage. 

So, that Wednesday, April 22, 2020 night, I took to the pen. Since winter 2017, I've revived an old grade school hobby of keeping an unedited free write journal. As an undergraduate that 2017 spring, having left a stressful job and joined more liberating orgs, I wrote for a creative and mental wellness outlet. After Mom passed, months later, my free writes would draw more catharsis. Even years later, while in Mongolia, I took free writes as my ‘time heist’ mentioned in my first Mongolia blog story, June 2019. 

Thus, remembering Mom and conjuring my grandmother, I penned what I shared here. 

Hidden Mother

During Week 9 (May 1-7), I experienced significant moments around Mom. Here lie the many. 

After posting a Monday blog story, I usually spend the Tuesday after on house projects, to break from screen time. Recall, when my USC sister visited for Easter, she and I sorted away Mom's lifetime of dresses. Back at Christmas, I sorted Mom’s books—all but her desk’s, feeling those among her most cherished. 

May's first week, having finished “Easter Epilogue | #35,” I felt ready for Mom’s desk. My family left it almost untouched the past three years. 

What a struggle. I saw a dusty accordion folder, for example. I opened it to find what it might be and suddenly met a whiff of Mom's perfume. It saddened me. I could imagine why my family put off touching her desk post-death. I could practically feel her presence in her things. Finding a 2010 letter penned in China, I marveled how our relatives loved her, decades beyond her leaving. 

Here’s where things get very curious.

Earlier that day, I felt like practicing Spanish again, but with the communicative way I practiced Chinese and Mongolian. Reaching out to Salvadorian friends, I felt glad they supported me eagerly. (Later, I realized it was Cinco de Mayo, though I doubted that affected El Salvador.)

But while sifting Mom's books to bins, I felt astonished. 

I found a black notebook not unlike those I use. Dated spring 2013, I would've been a high school sophomore finishing Spanish classes. 

At first, the book seemed nothing special. Mom penned pages of translations to technical words from the decades of Chinese-English dictionaries her shelves housed. Her notebook focused on English for medical science and technology. Still, I paged through. 

Then I felt so shocked, I left the room. 

My mom studied Spanish. 

She practiced what she preached... She professed languages open doors, wanting my siblings and me multilingual. But she aspired toward it, too. 

I could hardly believe it. Wisps of memory returned to me. 

If Mom was alive during this Coronavirus period, she'd surely be doing exactly what I'm doing—studying.

And then I felt, yet again, I really am my mother's son. Her love of languages—I'm of her next generation.

Mom still has my back, all these years later. :)

A Blessed Generation

I continued the night for hours stowing Mom’s things. And curious thoughts came to mind.

Mom and I learned differently. She self studied phrase books and dictionaries. But my family’s had internet since I was young. Besides grammar books, I’ve had online translators, video access and friends as native speakers. 

Throughout my childhood Mom and Dad would say how they were giving me a better childhood than either of them had. I realized it, with such abundance. At my fingertips have been resources hardly seen in human history. I have ways to learn that few could envision mere decades ago. 

I noticed in one of Mom's dictionaries after she was an English professor, she, too, wrote with the International Phonetic Alphabet. One of my Mongolian colleagues first showed me that alphabet. 

For better or worse, maybe my colleagues were right—English as the globe's most valuable language? And Mom sacrificed the life she knew in China. Emigrating, she gave my siblings and I abundant lives. Like her, I became an English instructor—but one privileged with native English. 

As I walked our house to find new homes for Mom's possessions past, I noticed my Mongolian language notebooks and suddenly felt emotional. 

Could Mom have imagined I'd know Mongolian, too? That I'd spend nearly a year bordering China? That I’d teach not only my English but also her Chinese—to real students. 

I sighed. I hope Mom saves me a nice seat in Heaven beside her. 

The Little Flower 

Later that night, one more find spoke to me. 

I noticed peculiar plastic bags with a book about grief among Mom’s things. I assumed the city handed these to my family when officials visited to impart our mother was killed. (I wouldn’t know, for I was away at uni, asleep with a vision I’ll never forget.) But, maybe the funeral home gave these after sealing Mom’s casket. I noticed especially the crimson rosary siblings said Mom kept on her. 

Holding its beads, I noticed an inscription read, “St. Therese, pray for us.” 

Strange—Mom never mentioned St. Therese. Mom grew up without churches in China, though, so I wondered whether Mom knew St. Therese’s story. I wondered, was this St. Teresa of Avila, Thérèse of Lisieux or another? 

On the back I found a little flower. Alright. 

Then a thought struck me—St. Thérèse the “Little Flower” would be this year my 19-year-old little sister’s confirmation saint. Since me, Sister would be my first sibling to receive the sacrament. 

Maybe St. Thérèse prayed for us. 

Case Closed

Wednesdays keep coming up. Before I share what happened this Wednesday, here’s an Easter egg. 

Earlier that week, I returned to a series I used to see the summer before I left home for uni—Marvel’s “Daredevil.” Picking up where I left off, the hero wins a court case and approaches his client, a youth who’s lost something for life. The hero, who bears a similar cross, coaches his client, winning the case doesn’t change reality. The client will have to live with this loss the rest of his life. 

That Wednesday afternoon, our family had an unexpected web call with our lawyer. Mom's wrongful death case settled. After over two years' challenging litigation, we won. Mom wasn’t at fault. “Justice prevailed,” say some. Our lawyer echoed the hero. A win could never replace a parent. 

Feelings Beyond Mother

This is the most emotional part of today’s story. We’re hitting “Frozen II” spoilers, so fair warning if that worries you. 

Alright. While flying home from Mongolia, I wanted to see something either in Chinese or with subtitles. "Frozen II” had Chinese subtitles. So I chose it. 

But it surprised me—magnificently. 

From the moment the musical numbers began, I felt moved by timely lines, “Yes, the wind blows a little bit colder / And we're all getting older / And… That's why I rely on certain certainties.” I sat in the jet plane leaving nine months of uncertainty into the unknown. 

I reflected on losing my community suddenly. The film’s themes of change felt nothing new, though welcomed. As it went on, I related to the princess’ unwavering love for her sibling. I related, too, to her sibling’s quest to their late parents. 

But “Show Yourself,” that crushed me.

Its piano, the iridescence, the darkness and wisps attracted. But something more related. Lyrics felt as me talking to me, trying to talk to God or Him trying to me. 

“All my life I’ve been torn. … Are you the one I’ve been looking for, all of my life?”

Then, determination: “You are the answer I’ve waited for, all of my LIFE!” 

I thought the hero would find herself… I didn’t expect who would help. 

The climax came. These moments stunned: 

Hero: “Mother?”

Mother: “Come, my darling, homeward bound.”  Hero: “I am FOUND!”

Together: “Show yourself! Step into the/YOUR power. Grow yourself, into something new.”

Mother: “You are the one you’ve been waiting for!”  Hero: “All of MY LIFE!” Mother: “All of your life—”

I replayed that movement four times after finishing the film. 

I cried. 

Mom’s Effect

Years since Mother’s death, I’d racked my brain trying to find her. 

Three years ago, I instinctively knew after Mom’s death, my siblings and I carried in our very lives the image of her. But I felt I wanted to know her, who she really was. 

Then I heard and saw the hero’s mother afar profess with her, “You are the one you’ve been waiting for, all of MY/your life!” To remember, I am the very one I need and seek… That broke me.  

The song struck like “Audition (The Fools Who Dream),” three years before. Yet, this transfiguration felt… personal. 

Weeks later, I still reflected on why I identified so strongly with the climax. 

I felt in some ways released from the quest that drove me my upperclassman uni years, indeed, to the point I entered the Peace Corps. I pursued this path to find my late mother. I wanted to know her better. She taught English in Asia. I’d teach English in Asia. 

Because, in many ways, I trusted I would find and know myself through her. Indeed, following my mother’s star led me back to her… and me. 

I felt my power. If I return to Peace Corps, I’m doing it for my reasons, not Mom’s. If I’m teaching in Asia, I’m teaching on my path, not hers. For mine is not hers. And hers isn’t mine. 

Liberation’s euphoric. 

Transfiguration 

For weeks, people had told me as a Christian, the power of the Holy Spirit is mine to use in God’s name. I just need to call on it. 

To my bewilderment, the exact day after seeing our “Frozen II” hero’s transfiguration, my first return to Mass in weeks celebrated the Transfiguration of the Lord. What? That following week—attending daily morning prayers, rosaries and Mass—concluded with reconciliation. My Lent continued. 

Weeks later, I finished Mom’s copy of “Tuesdays with Morrie.” But days before seeing “Frozen II,” I felt awed to chance upon these lines: “‘Morrie,’ Koppel said, ‘that was seventy years ago your mother died. The pain still goes on?’ ‘You bet,’ Morrie whispered.” 

I circled those lines.

Three years later I still search—for much. I still write. But, the journey won’t end soon. And the journey is the most beautiful part. 

My Chosen Five

I focus on nurturing strong mental, moral and physical habits daily, amid Coronavirus quarantining. Each day, I've been working out, eating more protein, reading Scriptures, journaling, getting information, relaxing and practicing languages. And I welcome the friendly chat. 

I especially love my early mornings in America, when it’s evening in Asia. My friends are up and eager to pick my brain. Their drives to learn English inspire. 

I practice Mandarin Chinese and Mongolian to keep in touch with friends and family and to enjoy meaningful exchanges. I'm learning Church Latin and Spanish to help me read histories to pursue in graduate religious studies. Spanish benefits my Latin and helps me keep in touch, too. 

So these are my five languages to which I’m committing. From Mom and Dad I inherited English—from Mom, language power. Now I grow myself into something new. 

New Beginnings

Losing my mother shall not define my life. But, I won't fear letting go, either. 

Instead, I hope to integrate more the passing of her life to mine.

For I reflect her. In me always lives her. That's special. 

The end of May 2019 began my life with Peace Corps Mongolia. During my nine months, Mom resurfaced throughout. A year later now, back in the States, I’ve kept my service close at heart. 

So, rest assured. New stories will come. 

All in God’s time. 

Up next is a 2020 Father’s Day reflection. 

You can read more from me here at DanielLang.me :)

P.S. Since Dad checked by the Marriage License Bureau today, who knows? Maybe by Mother’s Day 2020, Dad’s fiancée will be my next mom. But as for today’s piece, this took days to revise. So I hope it made sense. Feel free as always to share thoughts. —And thanks, friend. Peace be with you. 

[bookwormcheerleader]

i was tagged by @trevorfindsthestrals (LOOK i finally got internet access on my laptop again!! Sorry it took so long) 1. Coffee or tea? tea, i had my first cup of coffee on like thursday last week 2. Black and white or color? black or soft, but not pastel, colours 3. Drawings or paintings? idk, whatever is more moving in that moment i guess 4. Dresses or skirts? dresses because i never know how to match with a skirt 5. Books or movies? how DARE you make me choose, i think books, but i wanna make movies (potentially havent really explored that yet) so it seems like the wrong answer 6. Pepsi or Coke? i dont drink fizzy drinks 7. Chinese or Italian? definitely italian on an everyday basis but i LOVE chinese too 8. Early bird or night owl? its almost midnight and i havent started my reading for tomorrow, that counts as an answer right? 9. Chocolate or vanilla? chocolate, unless its a milkshake 10. Introvert or extrovert? introvert, i don’t really like people 11. Hugs or kisses? ive never been kissed so hugs 12. Hunting or fishing? aesthetics of hunting but uh with fishing you can not put a hook on the line and just kinda sit there and chill without looking like the animal lover that your family judges you for being 13. Winter or summer? yes. idk im probably more of a summer person, but i also really like the implications of winter in that everything has to die in order to be reborn, plus i can’t really breathe in the heat, but i also have poor circulation in my extremities so the cold sucks ass 14. Spring or fall? spring, i like the crisp air of fall dont get me wrong, but the rebirth and the petrichor after a spring rain with a crisp breeze that doesnt chill you is just so relaxing 15. Rural or urban? i grew up in the woods so rural but i need to at least be kinda close to a hospital to avoid panicking  16. PC or Mac? pc 17. Tan or pale? is this preference, cuz i dont have one of those, but i am so white that i was the same color as my cheer uniform in high school 18. Cake or pie? cake, i dont like pie crust 19. Ice cream or yogurt? frozen yogurt tbh, it jsut tastes fresher and less heavy 20. Ketchup or mustard? my brother likes to mock me for how much i loved ketchup when i was like 7 as if it was yesterday 21. Sweet pickles or dill pickles? i dont like pickles 22. Comedy or mystery? can we do a hybrid where its like theyre fighting crime but have no ability to act serious, cuz im basically writing a comic book like that with @spectralflutterbeast 23. Boots or sandals? i live in a colder wetter climate so usually boots, but i love sandals 24. Silver or gold? i like white gold typically because its often a mix, it has the matching ability of silver with the warmth in color of gold 25. Pop or Rock? i grew up on steve miller and journey from my mom and simon & garfunkel from my dad 26. Dancing or singing? all i can think of is my shitty karoke the other night, so uh dancing, at least i don’t suck more at that when im drunk 27. Checkers or chess? checkers is easier and i could probably actually win, but chess is more likely to hold my attention 28. Board games or video games? we used to do family board game nights (im currently holding the winnign streak for clue because any games played without everyone dont count) (my extended family is also obsessed with card games, its how we bond, we talk shit and play cards) 29. Wine or beer? wine if i have to have one of these, i dont like fizzy stuff ever so no beer but wine dries out my mouth 30. Freckles or dimples? i have freckles, and i love it when people have dimples 31. Honey mustard or BBQ sauce? i guess bbq 32. Body weight exercises or lifting weights? idk what body weight exercises includes but i have always liked lifting weights, its something im fairly good at 33. Baseball or basketball? BASEBALL IS THE BEST I LOVE IT, i miss playing it so much but its been too long for me to feel comfortable joining an intramural team 34. Crossword puzzles or sudokus? sudoku...i think 35. Facial hair or clean shaven? preference right, um stubble.... im not big on full beards (probs cuz my dad has always had one, seriously pics from when he was 20 we are the exact same but he has a beard, he says he hasnt shaved his upper lip since he was 16) clean shaven is nice too tho 36. Crushed ice or cubed ice? i prefer no ice, but if i have to i like that ice you get in hospital cafeterias 37. Skiing or snowboarding? never been 38. Smile or game face? smirking, its the happy medium 39. Bracelet or necklace? i feel naked without any piece of my jewelry (watch on right wrist, a bracelet on my left, a necklace for me to fidget with, both sets of earrings) 40. Fruit or vegetables? fruit 41. Sausage or bacon? bacon 42. Scrambled or fried? scrambled unless its on toast 43. Dark chocolate or white chocolate? dark chocolate 44. Tattoos or piercings? i have two sets of piercings and i just got my first tattoo last month 45. Antique or brand new? antique unless its something i would feel like i couldnt be comfortable using, i always wind up with a very eclectic mix 46. Dress up or dress down? dress down, never really have a reason to dress up 47. Cowboys or aliens? cowboys, space gives me anxiiety 48. Cats or dogs? dogs 49. Pancakes or waffles? depends on who is making the pancakes 50. Bond or Bourne? uhhhh what 51. Sci-Fi or fantasy? fantasy 52. Numbers or letters? letters 53. Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings? lotr tbh 54. Fair or theme park? fair, i grew up in puyallup (look it up, i can even sing the old theme song) 55. Money or fame? money, i want to buy my parents and aunt nice things 56. Washing dishes or doing laundry? laundry (no icky wet food pieces!) {this is what @trevorfindsthestrals had i just could not have said it any better myself} 57. Snakes or sharks? ummm snakes? cuz theyre smaller and i can run from them if theyre dangerous 58. Orange juice or apple juice? orange 59. Sunrise or sunset? sunsets seem more satisfactory to me 60. Slacker or over-achiever?.....i dont’ know how to answer this question 61. Pen or pencil? pencil, unless im worried about it smudging, then i bought some erasable pens for that 62. Peanut butter or jelly? peanut butter is more filling but i make jam every year so theres that 63. Grammys or Oscars? oscars 64. Detailed or abstract? why cant we do both, like a painting that is overall abstract but the closer you get the more you see the things that make it what it is, ya know, like life 65. Multiple choice questions or essay questions? idk multiple choice questions are harder to get wrong for not having enough info about a particular topic, but im good at and enjoy bsing things 66. Adventurous or cautious? i wish i was more adventurous but insecurities 67. Saver or spender? yes 68. Glasses or contacts? i dont wear either 69. Laptop or desktop? laptop 70. Classic or modern? what medium 71. Personal chef or personal fitness trainer? i would like a personal trainer until i get back in the habit of it and then i would jsut need a gym buddy 72. Internet or cell phone? cell since you cna get internet on your phone 73. Call or text? social anxiety so texting  74. Curly hair or straight? mine is beach wavy 75. Shower in the morning or shower in the evening? ive been showering in the morning because i like what it does to my hair 76. Spicy or mild? spicy please 77. Marvel or DC? wonder woman was my first favorite character, like about the time that bugs life came out because i obviously had two and the other was Flick  78. Paying a mortgage or paying rent? rent, i like assurance but i dont like permanence 79. Sky dive or bungee jump? never been but uh im not that trusting so i probably am jsut gonna go with a no 80. Oreos or Chips Ahoy? chewy chips ahoy 81. Jello or pudding? jello 82. Truth or dare? im a chicken so truth 83. Roller coaster or Ferris wheel? roller coaster, ferris wheels are all of the fear with none of the fun 84. Leather or denim? I NEED BOTH I CANT CHOOSE 85. Stripes or solids? stripes and fat people lol no, solids for me 86. Bagels or muffins? bagels probably 87. Whole wheat or white? whole wheat 88. Beads or pearls? pearls, my mother was a jeweler for 13 years, i cant not 89. Hardwood or carpet? hard wood in a hall, tile or linoleum in the kitchen and bathroom and then carpet everywhere else 90. Bright colors or neutral tones? uhhhh for what, cuz it really depends  91. Be older than you are or younger than you are? i want to be like 34, not rn obviously, im enjoying being 20 and stupid, but i feel like 34 is a good age, of course thats abotu how old my bros were when i idolized them so that might be reflective of that 92. Raisins or nuts? raisins, partially because every time my dad sees nuts he says nuts for the nutty and it has become a conditioned response for me now 93. Picnic or nice restaurant? picnic 94. Black leather or brown leather? brown 95. Long hair or short hair? mines somewhere in the middle 96. “Ready, aim, fire” or “Ready, fire, aim”? wtf does the second even mean 97. Fiction or non-fiction? fiction 98. Smoking or non-smoking? i have asthma 99. Think before you talk or talk before you think? i wish i could think before i talk more than i actually do 100. Asking questions or answering questions? i like to listen to people imma tag: @kiavachiisanoob @warriorsatthedisco @colecast1 and anyone lookinng for an excuse to do one of these

[achievementmicoo]

(1) Burnie remembers the last time he saw Geoff alone, they met often back before The Fake AH Crew was born and he can just about remember the meeting that proceeded it. Geoff looked tired and was sporting more than a few new scrapes, one-man heists were difficult even for a seasoned criminal and it was clear they were taking their toll. Geoff mentioned that he was taking on an "assistant", just for one heist or maybe two, then he would see them off before they had the chance to backstab him.

(2) “I work alone” he insists, and Burnie shakes his head because he knows Geoff will be asking him to help with a heist again in no time. The next time he sees Geoff is the first time he sees Jack. Geoff’s temporary assistant has been with him for three weeks past their supposed break off point now and he agreed to bring them to meet Burnie. When he sees Geoff walk in with a lady e almost makes a joke about them being husband and wife, but the way they spend all night conspiring and

(3) occasionally bicker he realises he doesn’t have to. Geoff reveals they’ve planned a few more heists together and that Jack is an excellent getaway driver, not to mention knows her way around a gun. At the look Burnie gives him Geoff adds “Just these few, then we’re parting ways”. On their way out Jack gives Burnie and cunning smile and adds quietly “We’ll see about that.”

(4) At the next meeting Burnie is surprised to see Geoff sporting another new friend, one who likes to ask a lot of questions. He looks young and sounds foreign, and Geoff begrudgingly introduces him as Gavin, someone they took in (Jack’s idea, he assures Burnie) as a hacker to help them cover their tracks better and get more access on heists. Geoff seems to get more and more fed up the longer the night goes on, and just when Burnie thinks he might strangle the boy Gavin asks some ridiculous

(5) obvious question and Geoff bursts into laughter. At that point Burnie knows he’ll be fine, he just hopes Jack has more patience for him than Geoff does. “He’s still just temporary,” Geoff insists as they’re leaving, “and Jack too, after we finish these next three heists I’m back to working alone.”

(6) Come their next meeting Geoff brings two guests, Gavin makes a return and another boy that Burnie learns is called Michael. The two follow Geoff in like children chatting to each other and spend half the night shouting and the other half giggling. Geoff tells him they found Michael (Gavin insists HE found Michael) and brought him on as a “demolitions expert”. Burnie can see before Geoff tells him that it just means the boy loves explosives and knows how to use them,

(7) but Gavin takes to him like a younger brother and despite their noise Geoff seems to look better from their last few heists. He seems to forget to mention how long before their temporary team disbands this time, and as he watches him try to rally the two like an annoyed parent Burnie decides not to remind him.

(8) The next meeting is one Burnie doesn’t soon forget. When Geoff walks in he’s followed by a man in black skull mask who takes a seat next to him with his arms crossed and seems to stare at Burnie without saying a word. At least twenty minutes pass without the other having said anything (Geoff simply introduced him as “a new friend”) and even with the mask Burnie swears he hasn’t blinked the entire time. Finally Geoff cracks up laughing and he hears a chuckle come from behind the mask as Geoff

(9) gives him the okay to remove it. After that Burnie warms to Ryan a bit more, especially when he learns that he’s been staying with Geoff and his companions for a good few months already and has earned their trust (although he spends the rest of the night glaring at Geoff when he learns that the chiling first impression had been all his idea).

(10) Burnie doesn’t meet Ray until he stumbles upon the crew celebrating a successful robbery with a night out. At first he doesn’t even realise the boy is with them from the way he stays in the background near Ryan, some sort of game console in hand and avoiding the drinks and everyone having them. He could almost swear the other is mute until the other two lads shout something in his direction and he calls back an outdated internet meme as loud as he can almost automatically.

(11) Ryan mentions off-handedly that Ray’s their new sniper and Burnie can’t help but wonder how that can be when he’s holding a little bright screen so close to his face you’d think he was about to kiss it, but he knows it must be working out because he can hear Geoff laughing with the others from across the bar.

12) More and more time seems to pass between their meetings ever since Geoff’s team of “temporary assistants” started expanding. Burnie can’t complain as he has work of his own to do, but it means the next time he gets a call from Geoff to meet up on the fly he accepts immediately, as who knows when they’ll get a chance again soon. “What car should I look out for?” he asks, and Geoff laughs down the phone and assures him he won’t miss them.

(13) A few minutes later and sure enough Burnie spots Geoff, leaning out the window of a bright orange and purple car, introducing him to Jeremy; the newest Fake and owner of the so-called Rimmy Tim-mobile. He’s a lad like the others through and through, so Burnie just shakes his head and then Jeremy’s hand and tries not to look so amused as Geoff boasts about where he found this new young talent.

(14) A few months pass and Burnie gets invited to come chat at Geoff’s new penthouse, paid for with successfully stolen money he proudly proclaims. When Burnie walks in his jaw drops, not from the penthouse itself but rather it’s occupants; all the usual suspects he’s met before are there, lads sprawled around the couch, Ryan and Jack are at the table reading, but there’s several new faces littering the scene. He gets introduced to them all throughout the night

(15) (“This is Matt and Trevor, they help with hacking and backup” “This is Lindsay, she’s a wildcard” “This is Mica and Meg, they help with demolition and taking out our rival crews”) and by the end he simply grins at Geoff, “So you work alone huh?”. “I still do!” Geoff insists, a smug grin on his face “but it’s nice to have so many bodyguards lying around.”

It’s a running gag between Burnie and Geoff now. He started off solo and insists to this day that the family he’s accumulated are simply temporary. From his right hand man Jack, whose wits, patience, and ability to pilot aircrafts make her indispensable, to Gavin, the prodigal hacker that smooth talks his way in and out of more things than you could imagine. To Michael, the hothead with unshakeable loyalty that both grounded Gavin and gave him a source of mayhem, to Geoff’s dismay. To Ray, the kid that’s funny without meaning to be, deadly accurate though the scope of a 50 cal sniper rifle. To Ryan, the coldblooded killer that was more a risk than an asset at first, but slowly integrated into the group as the most terrifying and simultaneously dorky Gent. And to Jeremy, who is more skilled than he ever lets on and one of the most genuinely sweet and merciless people he’s ever met. Geoff will never admit that these people are the reason he’s still successful, still happy, still alive, but there’s no way he can deny that he doesn’t have a habit for collecting people. Certainly not when you step into the penthouse and see the B team, the behind the scenes members that keep Geoff afloat, even if they’re not basking in the glory and destruction. The brilliant, talented people like Matt, Trevor, Lindsay, Mica, Meg, that Geoff would not want to be on the wrong side of. So when Burnie tells Geoff that he’s no longer a lone wolf, but that he now has a steadily growing pack, Geoff can only halfheartedly disagree.

[buddyfaith]

I just failed an online quiz for class so I’m gonna do a longwinded character assessment that brittany reblogged for mama debeste to cheer myself up. feel free to challenge me on anything tbh.

1) I sort of like the idea that mama debeste was also a foster kid, but like- she’s 8 or so years removed from her foster siblings? like I don’t think there’s anyone in her age group to hang out with. I think she’s closest to the youngest brother? he’s 7 years older than her or something and usually was the one who was sent to ~babysit~ but actually this little kid is sort of neat. Self-same brother isn’t dead but he’s not. there. I sort of like the idea of military deployment for him. they exchange letters when they can.

2&3) okay so I’m finally gonna make up a healthy marriage and it’s these people. the Fosters (lmao) are a very elderly couple who suffered heavily from Empty Nest Syndrome in like the 70s and have been taking kids in ever since. They are VERY OLD but very kind.

-mama foster is a short woman who likes to garden even though it sometimes fucks with her Arthritis. She’s very plainspoken and knows exactly what the internet is but has some trouble accessing it by herself. Her sense of humor is very deadpan, which doesn’t match her face at all but that makes it much better. mama debeste is a Good Kid who picks tomatoes and collects caterpillars in jars. mama foster has some trouble with younger kids because sarcasm is hard sometimes and her temper is a little short but she loves mama debeste. mama debeste’s favorite part of the usual day-to-day is watching wheel of fortune with her.

-dad foster is a guy who likes to hike. its getting hard for him but he can still go thanks to his kids. they go whenever they can and picnic. mama debeste sometimes gets a little ahead of him to put the collected caterpillars back into the wild. anyway dad foster has like an incredible appreciation for nature and I’m sorely tempted to make him a Bob Ross-esque landscape painter. he’s the kind of dad that gives you candy before dinner and winks. he connects easily to mama debeste because she’s young and likes to get dirty and messes up a picturesque scene just right enough for it to be painted.

when the kids grow up the Fosters have pretty much come to accept that they’ll lose contact with them. mama debeste was determined to not do that and visited regularly but then her own kid died. She went back to see the Fosters for help and they told her that it wasn’t right, not so soon, but losing children is as much a part of life as losing parents, and that she can still come back from it. Mama debeste told them she was leaving for Zheng Fa and they told her to be careful, to be safe, to be smart, and to be kind above all. They were smiling when they said it but there was an air of finality about it, because they knew they had lost her, too.

4) aside from her house burning down with her child inside??

I like to think that her and her brother went wandering around on streets and stuff together and saw some regular stuff yknow. stray animals helping each other, hurting each other, people doing about the same.

Once her brother punched a guy in the face on the subway for spitting at someone and that sort of justified retaliation always stuck with her.

5) mama debeste carries around a swiss army knife like a girl scout, a shitty plastic cigarette lighter, a keychain that was probably a gift that has her house keys on it, two or three pieces of nicotine gum, an instant camera, and her wallet (which in turn contains her driver’s license, Interpol id, library card, two credit cards in Blaise’s name, several pictures of the kiddos, and about $400 in nonconsecutive twenties)

6) mama debeste dreams of her kid. like. what they (he, I’m vaguely leaning towards) would be like growing up and stuff. she also dreams of Zheng Fa and the forest.

7) mama debeste killing people maybe unnecessarily is kind of my jam and they don’t haunt her per se but sometimes she trips over their bodies literally. sometimes she imagines shooting herself because what the hell, she’s a bad person. anyway mama debeste also hates funerals so probably those too and [fire noises].

Silence, notably, too. If you’ve got kids there should never be silence. if you’re anywhere natural there should never be perfect silence.

8) hi welcome to Interpol here’s a paper target except we didn’t tell you there was a watermelon behind the head so that the red explosion would disturb you into perhaps not firing sometimes.

(it failed.)

9) the Fosters are actually fairly well off despite having So Many Kids with expensive extracurriculars and stuff? because they had like, regular people expenditures, it was a little bit more of a natural life. Blaise’s blood money is far less wholesome which is one reason mama debeste goes to such great lengths to get rid of it fast and frivolously. She burns the money in an attempt to warm the home.

10) mama debeste is a sundress lady or a biker leather lady with no inbetween. The former is an expression of serenity and safety. I think the latter gives her more confidence, like the Interpol days.

11) she couldn’t get back into her fucking burning house. the second time she felt so scared was when she realized phoenix was in the second house doomed to fall.

(there were little bits, in the middle, where she lost phoenix in a crowd or sebastian swallowed something he shouldn’t have.)

12) lmao marrying blaise debeste actually. she’s shot people with less conviction, less assurance than she had standing on the altar.

on a calm of a different note, the forest is her friend and the first time she saw phoenix try to paint a tree was great.

13) HAHAHAHAHA next question. (idk if mama debeste: forensics expert is exactly canon but she’s definitely less sensitive to blood than she should be)

14) mama debeste will never forget a face as long as she lives.

15) mama debeste is concerned with the concept of Doing and will blow through all of blaise’s blood money so that her kids can like, have experiences and stuff, but her preoccupation is more spending and acquisition than frugality or anything.

16) let mama debeste be happy 2kwhatever. she knows she probably never will be so she tries to make others happy.

17) her brother made mama debeste a teddy bear out of felt and button eyes and pillow stuffing. he told her later it was because he was really attached to the one he was supposed to Hand Me Down to her but that’s only half-truth. Its name is Growls.

18) probably wisdom considering “ambition” burned her crops and poisoned the kid’s groundwater honestly? blaise seems like the kind to both hide behind and weaponize that word.

19) mama debeste doesn’t say anything. like she’s the ultimate in something is bothering her but she sticks to the gentle smile persona and lets wounds fester until its way too late. this trait is kicked up to eleven with blaise and the kids, which is part of the reason that phoenix has such a sunny memory of her.

20) I don’t think she does compare herself to anyone except for Greg and Desiree Delite. The former is for validation in her parenting style. the latter is when she’s really loathing herself and thinking about what she could do if she would just fucking leave blaise and this petty revenge shit behind and take the kids somewhere–

21) I mean technically the only bad thing that really happens to mama debeste that’s her fault is that she fucking dies and she knows it. she takes sole responsibility for that.

she splits responsibility with people she killed because tbh most of them sort of. deserved it.

she blames blaise for almost one hundred percent for everything else.

22) mama debeste appreciates honesty and kindness. she likes thoughtfulness and dedication to a hobby. she also likes good parents.

23) mama debeste will fight the westboro baptist church. she will also fight anything that reminds her of herself before she loved the kids. and also blaise debeste and everything related to him.

24) mama debeste trusts no one except for maybe people that phoenix trusts. She genuinely likes Greg and lets phoenix sleep over there even though she’s only met him a handful of times.

25) hahahaha mama debeste is the ultimate in seeing through people. she’s super suspicious of strangers and people she doesn’t know getting close to the house. acquaintances are graded based on how much they hate blaise (maximum hate being minimum suspicion). the only people close to mama debeste are phoenix and sebastian.

she worries about what might happen to phoenix and sebastian.

26) I’M CALLING HER MAMA DEBESTE FOR A REASON because at the end of her life she’s really really devoted to the safety of her kids. For the long childless period in the middle she believed that kids could be tools for revenge, but she never really lost the mothering touch, as it were. Shi-Long Lang remembers her very very fondly.

27) have you ever played a really long game of clue with someone and they figure out the answer but instead of running to the pool and announcing it they walk into the foyer and shoot the murderer in the face? yeah. the last logic battle with the ~true antagonist~ of aai2 wouldn’t have even happened because she would have shot him on sight.

her conflict with blaise is too personal for that though so they have a marriage of hate and she’s biding her time. I think that once her USE THE CHILDREN plan broke down she lost sight of whatever her goal was which ultimately ended up killing her.

28) mama debeste is a fan of the fists and an even greater fan of shooting things but she does her absolute best to remain passive and unassuming for as long as she possibly can.

29) I think mama debeste wanted to help people? she definitely had like, a brain surgeon phase, but once that passed I think she settled fairly well on public service through Interpol. there was probably a speaker that came to school or something tbh.

30) mama debeste won’t eat mushrooms and passes this trait onto her kids. she hates socks and sandals. wash ya damn hands. blaise debeste. she also isn’t a particular fan of praying mantises specifically.

31) welcome to the forest. three people are there, herself included. One of them is drawing, the other is fumbling around in the picnic basket looking for an orange. it is later in the day, but evening isn’t in the sky yet. The breeze is gentle and smells like pine.

[idkitshiro]

Mar.11 ,2017  2:23 pm

as im trying to looking forward, a part of me is whispering failure.. can I make something, something beautiful, something inspiring, encouraging? to spread a heartfelt smile on somebody’s face, reassuring whoever is behind their computer screen there is reason, no matter how stupid or small it is, to laugh or smile. I want to remind people how video games are really meant to be played, what creates the pro environment and  competition in the first place, showing them how to have fun with their video games, showing them how to enjoy spending their free time so that its at least not wasted. If I can leave at least one thing to take away and let people know they feel reassured, loved, supported, not alone then all the time I put into the videos im making have been worth my time.  Acts of kindness, sportsmanship good cheer. Make them feel like holy crap this makes me want to play this game

Here i go as I just write down whatever im thinking about:

some of the funnest games I really enjoyed playing as a kid: Super Smash bros melee: at first had all my favorite characters from different games EVER , kirby, pikachu, mario, all these nintendo characters like Link, Fire emblem’s marth and roy, so much variety Pokemon: such a fun adventure, not having much access to the internet , the world was magical, every corner was a new surprise. There were random Pokeballs on the floor, instances where your in game rival would show up and challenge you to a battle with his own unique pokemon.  the pokemon I had felt unique, the team I had felt special and I bonded with these pokemon. I didnt have in mind what my friends or any one else who also played the video game what strategies or pokemon they thought were good and were their own personal favorite. The competition element fair and exciting because there weren’t many popular guides or communities and forums that people were aware of. Internet spoiled the fun because it exposed many of the surprises and secrets of the game. It almost was as if there was a person sitting next to me telling me how they already beat the game, caught all 150 pokemon telling me which pokemon were trash and not worth my time, the perfect IVs and proper way of how to make the strongest team possible. Though they may be right it totally killed my joy for the game, stripping of the surprise and wonder element video games used to hold as this now apple is to almost every other video game. and altho the right answer is to not focus and compare my self to the people surrounding me its like someone standing right behind me saying video games are FAKE, WASTE OF TIME. So spending my free time trying to  Man people need to pay less attention to how others are spending their time playing video games. MANNN you’re winning if you’re enjoying your time having fun whether kicking ass, accomplishing a hard puzzle or challenge, discover something rare on your own again i guess thats added to your personal merit, get a good laugh, listening to good music, reminds you of something important to you whether its through story telling and the music, whether its learning more about experiences and other people around you. Theres so much video games could teach you, what you could learn from. like many other hobbies or people like to do on their spare time, video games are another outlet of creating happy memories, memories that could be shared with the people we love. I find my self exploring all these different video games to try and remember why I fell in love with video games when I was a lot younger. What made it so exciting and fun, and when I let something else rob me of that joy. I remember when I was in elementary school my brother and I had our own Gameboy Colors. I had purple one given from my Auntie and my brother had a neon Green gameboy color that was given from our grandpa’s brother, i guess granduncle. Both of us had our seperate Pokemon version where Pokemon Red was my first video game ever and my brother had Pokemon Yellow.  anyways my mom would only allow us to play for an hour or two a day and I just remember my sister wanting to play pokemon too and so I let her play mine, and althouhg i wasnt playing I really enjoyed watching them just play. I felt so happy that we were all able to play together even if I was just watching my brother thumb through his starting Pokemon team in Saffron city. Idk why thats so vivid. We had to share alot things growing up, rooms, 1 hour turns on the computer, hand me down clothes, Gamecube turns. i remember i bought a tv plugin game which was star wars/ spongebob that didnt need a console. it had 5 games in it , but crowding around the small tv in me and my brothers room playing video games together.. i miss that so much. i just wanted us to get along and have fun. 

god i always hear people saying that their entire life they were losers and the bullied kid, but did they ever have a fanny pack with 100 calorie Special K bars on 1,000 diet imitating their favorite Taijustus specialist? (Rock Lee Image) I used to be obssesed with my eating only 1,000 calories a day because I was pretty chunky in middle school. One time in PE we had to do our quarterly mile run and I remember always dreading these big days. Every week we had to run around the track for 20 minutes, no walking, and see how many laps you could run in that time. We were graded on how many laps we could run, 6 laps was  D , 7 Laps was a C , 8 Laps was a B, 9 and more was an A. I dreaded every single week for these 20 minute runs, but I celebrated super heavily after it we were done. I was always super nervous and anxious thinking about these days because I always forced myself to do my absolute best. I hated the thought of competing with the people next to me. I used to run 10 laps and my best being 11 laps, which I thought was insanely good. The fastest was I think 12 or 13 laps but they werent in my class. I suppose I felt proud of what I accomplished, my classmates thought I was fast. I would wear shorts everyday in middle school. In 4th and 5th grade I used to run 3 miles every day in the summer with my grandpa and sometimes my sister  because I came home one day from a a Dr.’s Checkup saying that my cholesterol was pretty high. Seperate from my school’s 5k I only entered one 5k run with my grandpa who did the 7k run. I felt horrible because I was just overweight and I didnt find myself that attractive. God, especially when your older brother was more handsome had abs and biceps since 5th grade.  ashjdkasld yeah this is where my self esteem issues come from, but anyways, I was complimented on my  buldgy calves. They were pretty big, for a big boy like my self. I remember one time when runnign the 20 minute run I always thought about falling over and getting hurt so I didnt have to run, mentally I wanted to just stop myself from pushing my body. ashdbjnka My best mile time was 5:37 by the way. When it was raining and they made us stay inside our school’s gym, playing dodgeball. I WAS SO HAPPY. I would pray that it would rain enough so that the track would be too wet where we all the PE classes would have to walk around the basketball quarts and then the other  half o the class would have to play basketball. I WAS ALWAYS SUPER EXCITED. Those were the best days regular days of school. of course not more exciting than Game days, honor-roll Bingo , or field trips of course AHAHA One time I brought I red chocolate balls that I got from people standing in front of safeway that were wrapped neatly in this plastic bag. I gave some to my friends before we ran, thinking wow we could be just like Choji and his ration pellets. Jesus. It was just concentrated choclate balls of sugar.   -- It was pretty good tho. Middle school was awesome. I did whatever I wanted no matter how uncool people thought it was. I thought that just doing what I loved was the coolest thing ever. I used to read the Shonen Jump manga magazines and I was reading the YugiOh Gx weekly chapter and Jesus H. christ it looked so fun. The next day I talked to my friend who was fanatic about Yugioh and he helped me create a deck. The next two years FUHHHH our whole friend group was playing yugioh. It felt like some anime, going home editing decks, dueling in my friends garage drinking cans of Dr. Pepper and honey Twisted BBQ chips. Playing some Halo 3 and Pokemon Stadium 2 on the side. IT WAS SO FUN. When we would have a party in class or potluck I’d get 4 cups of Pepsi, Plateful of Doritos , Lays and Hot cheetos and my friends and I would whip out our decks. Living the life. At the time the Wii , xbox 360 and itouch were very popular. I didnt have a smart phone til the end of my high school and wasnt until my freshman year in high school that I bought my own prepaid phone and minutes and texting plans. anyways the only console my brother and sister i had was teh game cube so these consoles were treasures whenever I would go over to my friends house after school. there was also this one time in middle school where our homeroom teacher allowed 4 people from our AVID class, and at the time I thought AVID students were the smartest collection of indivuals in our school, to go around campus picking up recyables such as cans and bottles so we could sell and add to our class field trip fundraiser. At first our teacher assigned us only 10 minutes and expected us to comeback. 10 minutes of missing class was amazing. My group of friends and I felt so free, so powerful, passing the doors of other classrooms and students, walking where we shouldnt be. And when we would comeback she would reward us with homemade cookies. HOLY, our teacher was so kind. I cant remember if this was a daily thing, but we did this each time we had class. But every time we would come back deliberatly a little later. From intially 10 minutes we started coming back 15 minutes later, then 20. And I kid you not we started going out “recycling” for the entire class period which was about 50 minutes. IT WAS AMAZING. And we may had been in middle school, but we werent dumb. We were AVID students. Advancement via indpendent determination. We were the futures most brightest, up and coming. So we were thinking if we could somehow find more cans and bottles to fill up our garbage bags itd be more than enough reason to explain why we were coming back later than we were orginally suppose to. So initally we would invite ourselves to other classrooms tell the teacher ‘we’re reclying, dw , were supposed to be here’ and go through their blue bins and take whatever cans and bottles we can add it to our bags. Then we started looking at the larger reclye bins in the shcools court yard and just take all the bottles in their. Realistically it took no more than 5 minutes to fill a garbage bag filled with cans and bottles, but we would spend the rest of our vacation racing each other on our school’s track and kick each other on the school’s monkey bars. Jesus. it was so fun. my life feels pretty defeated right now, so I just wanted to share with