#sitting and reflecting on stuff

[letyhide]

When Mapicc did things that hurt Zam she was okay with laying her head low, apologising, changing her morals, working around her oath, and sticking by Mapicc.

Zam did things that hurt Mapicc. They were never directed at him, Often they were done out of refusal to fight him directly. Yet Mapicc still saw the lack of support during Mawn, and how Zam threw hearts at Bacon (when he was their enemy) as betrayal. And was hurt.

Due to Mapicc’s reactions to being hurt being usually violent, and directed towards Zam, it’s easier for his feelings and needs to be overshadowed compared to Zam’s in discussions. Because he sees himself as the victim even after being the perpetrator of some real damaging stuff - stuff that is often way worse than the what is done against him. Because yeah, Despite everything that happened to both of them, Mapicc is sitting on a comfortable 20 hearts, while Zam is on 4 BECAUSE of Mapicc and how many times she has been killed by him. Mapicc’s response to things is usually fighting and violence. He has self preservation and self interest very high on his priority list. While Zam’s n1 response to situations is usually self sabotage. That’s why their conflicts work so well. Zam throws herself at Mapicc many times, and just accepts whatever the outcome is (most of the time she knows she’s gonna lose).

But still Mapicc’s original worries and feelings are still valid. And they come out of a place of care for Zam and insecurity in himself. He just doesn't know how to deal with them. When he’s in a heated discussion with Zam he starts saying how "if killing you is gonna end this conversation, then i will do it” just another way of saying “i would rather hurt you than deal with my own feelings”.

It’s crazy to me that they both seem to not see the care and effort they each put into their relationship. it seems to be all about "who used who more" when, it genuinely is not about that. (Recently yes. Mapicc admitted to using Zam for the flame fight when wanting to cut her off. and yesterday he wanted to use her to get Mane with the arrow cannon). But all this talk about using one another is.. Quite frankly useless.

When Mapicc first mentioned the feeling of being used by Zam, it was all about his jealousy towards Derapchu, Zam’s new 20 heart teammate, and not being included in plans anymore. He felt like Zam was just calling him whenever she was in danger and needed help. Yet during *that talk* After the flame void trap, Zam asked Mapicc to stay by her side, and Mapicc refused. And says “if you ever need help with a fight or are in a dire situation. call me”, when he was accusing Zam of only using him for fights prior to this. Almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy. He only sees Himself useful in pvp. So mainly renders himself available for pvp fights. Or it could be projection? He accuses others of seeing him only for PVP skill. When He's the first one to do that. During the same talk he says “I provide what? pvp skill, that’s what i'm saying bro, that’s all i'm good for” And assumes everyone else does too… And I genuinely think this is what this misunderstanding all boils down to: Mapicc’s insecurities about himself, and his place next to people. After a teamless season, Zam pulling away might’ve gone better if it didn’t, in his eyes, prove exactly Mapicc’s worries. (but he's also an hypocrite as he's the first one to throw Zam away when the empire logged back on).

Mapicc pushes his feelings, and Zam, away. Says he didn’t mean the apology that day, because being angry has always been easier than being vulnerable for Mapicc. And this time Zam just doesn’t take it. All this time of having Mapicc’s insecurities being projected onto her, Mapicc actually uses her for the creeking thing, blows up her flower field and he couldn't be more blunt about his hatred for her, when all she's done is be there for him. And she snaps. “Mapicc should’ve known him this way. He just used me”, and looks back and picks apart every single thing Mapicc has done wrong to her, which to be fair. There is a lot. But also conveniently leaves out all of the hearts he gave her, she leaves out how many times Mapicc jumped back into a fight just to try and save Zam, Even though it didn’t benefit him directly. She leaves out how the other day Mapicc left her a heart in a chest. When you have the full picture you KNOW these two care about each other.

They’re so used to being by each other's side, and so bad at communicating the care they have for one another, that the second something goes wrong all they’re left with is their unresolved feelings, that they never got over, and use it as a weapon to hurt the other.

When Zam accuses Mapicc of using her, he replies “how did I use you, what did I get out of you exactly”. Even telling Minute “how did I use him, he’s the dropper” again giving this image of how he sees other’s (and by extension his) value through their fighting skills. As if "It wouldn't make sense that he would use Zam, because she is not as skilled as pvp as him". This of course isn’t what he actually believes. It was almost what he wanted Zam to believe, (and what he wants to believe himself, but he cannot even stick to this version in his head, as he replies that "I never said you did nothing" to Zam. when that's exactly what he was implying) because that is easier to explain, it makes more sense for “Mapicc” to believe that than for him to admit a “i care about you”.

And when Mapicc was alone with his thoughts, he thought about what Zam was saying to him... Did he actually use her? He says that, if he did, it wasn't on purpose.... Well except that one time. Which he sees as justified since Zam gave hearts to his enemy! Bacon... who... is now his teammate...... huh.... and the team really wants them to reconcile and he realizes that it just not might be his call as he was the one that farmed her until she was at 4 hearts... hmmm........ I'm so excited to see where this will go.

[bennetsbonnet]

Not to be too dramatic about my feelings towards a character from the nineteenth century but I've lately realised that Mr Darcy's character arc is very comforting to my inner child. Specifically, to the teenager who once stood up to men who wronged me, to men who should've listened to me when I told them how damaging their behaviour was, to men who should've changed their ways... but unfortunately didn't and, instead of realising how damaging they were, instead lashed out at me for pointing out how awful their conduct was.

I love the way that Mr Darcy never seriously directs the anger he undoubtedly feels at receiving such harsh criticism from Elizabeth towards her, just because she happened to be the person to finally point out how awfully he behaved. Apart from the letter he wrote which was a little bitter (though I think you can cut him some slack for it because it was hastily written when he was still reeling from her rebuke) after that moment, he takes his frustration out on himself; he earnestly listens to her criticism and reforms his behaviour all while expecting nothing in return because being a better person is the right thing to do.

Forget the beautiful estate, his wealth and his looks, it's that ability to admit his faults and mistakes and to eventually change his ways.. that is what I find so compelling about Mr Darcy as a character.

[transmechanicus]

No disrespect intended by it but i’ve noticed there’s a segment of the population who start dating in middle or high school, often serially, and allow their relationships to define them to such an extent that they never fully develop as individuals. While dating they can’t handle more than a couple days apart without getting antsy, and as soon as a breakup happens there’s a rush to shove almost anyone in the hole rather than emotionally reflect or be solo for any longer than is necessary. I don’t really have any particular comment other than it seems a little sad, to be so unwilling or unable to shape your identity as an individual, to be so terrified of the emptiness inside you that you don’t even try to fill it with something singularly yours.

[bratdotcom]

Do y'all think butcher would bite u outta cute aggression or is it just me

[crazyspookies]

making my way through clair obscur trying to figure out WHO IS WHO and WHY IS THI S HAPPENING

[fairycourts]

helloooo!! i fear i have been sketching all day...

[madaqueue]

fic authors self rec! when you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five of your other fave writers. spread the self-love!

THANK YOU MY DEAREST MAO @yinyuedijun FOR TAGGING MEEEEEE AHH I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOUR WRITING I SMOOCH YOU A MILLION TIMES MWAH MWAH MWAH!!!!!!!!

here are my 5 fics :3 pleeeeaasee pay attention to the warnings on these as almost all of them have some mention of dubcon or substance use or trauma but these were some of my fav pieces to write :)

would you feel the noise?

maybe you don’t deserve peace. or maybe, you finally find it in the blue-eyed boy laying next to you in the sand. (satoru gojo x f!reader - 3.9k)

AHHHHH i love this little piece. very fun and sweet and poetic porn lmao but also getting to talk about substance use in writing is v healing tbh, i also liked getting to think about satoru after suguru and their relationship outside of canon and how losing someone you loved AND being with someone you don’t love can weigh on you :3

carve me up and eat me

there was almost no information on the mysterious cult nestled into the mountainside near your hometown, with even less knowledge about its leader. curiosity sets you on your path to investigate, but something else manages to keep you. (suguru geto x f!reader - 7.6k)

freak ass cult leader sugu you will always be so real to me <3 AND vampires????? OOH this one was such a blast to write i think it might actually be the longest oneshot i’ve posted on this account????? which is crazy but yes i loved the like….kind of slow descent into insanity and acceptance UGH i loved the reader in this too like she is very different from my usual readers but sooo important to me too :3

while winter holds its quiet breath

a visit to childe’s home (childe x gn!reader - 3.4k)

this was soooo much fun to write and get to think about the positive pieces and the warmth in his past but also the fact that there are still parts of him that live in that house that he will never truly get back but how, despite everything, he just wants to love (and be loved)

fool’s gold sinks all the same

aventurine never fails to cause a scene, in public or in private. (aventurine x gn!reader - 4.7k)

this fic was so incredibly cathartic to write it is so near and dear to my heart. having a reader and a character who feel so scared to trust others, who always have their guard up, who flinch if you move too fast or get too close is just very very important to me. i largely wrote this one for myself and just loved every second of it. it was also very gender to write gn!reader porn and i really enjoyed it mmmmmhm

fall from grace

do not desire her beauty in your heart, and do not let her capture you with her eyelashes. put to death that which is earthly inside you. (sunday x f!reader - 3.6k)

another INCREDIBLY self-indulgent fic where i got to think about why sunday is the way he is and how the rules he holds so tightly can be twisted and broken + very cathartic to talk about religion in a way that can be hot and sexy and freaky. very tasty i love this little guy so much

ONCE AGAIN THANK YOU TO MY DEAR MAO FOR TAGGING ME!!!!!!!!!! no pressure tags to @twentyfivemiceinatrenchcoat @teddybeartoji @toadtoru @hiraethwrote @mewnbuns + ANYONE WHO WANTS TO SHOW OFF THEIR WRITING BC YOU DESERVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!

[strictly-confectional]

experiencing a normal amount of concern at a random uptick in fondness for a character

[whentherewerebicycles]

a bunch of people have already registered for my mentoring workshop! unfortunately this means i have to plan and host a workshop aaaaaa

[starlytenight]

sorry if ive already asked this i forgot if i sent it in or not. is dark meta okay after the whole revival thing 😭 did he reform or did he stay dead? what about mirror galacta in that case? how is he feeling about dark’s apparent death and possible revival? theyre twinning now ig

Nah, no one's asked this but it's pretty safe for anyone to assume Dark Meta is fine, he's back too, he's just got his own version of rebirth where he's got perma-mirror cracks where Meta has scars and also lacks his own Warp Star. Shadow Galacta was also furious---in original scenes he was going to burst in and yell at everyone for daring to let the OG Meta die, but for constraints and focus reasons I cut this.

The other Morpho and Necro had their own things going on in the outside of Nightmare as well, so you can presume most things went down similarly. Kinda like this:

They went home once they saw regular Meta was fine, though that didn't stop the reflections from getting upsetti spaghetti over the end of days nearly happening sooner than expected because of sheer stupidity and melodrama. They cleared things up pretty quick though since the reflections are pretty chill once you kind of just accept that yeah, you do have that aspect of that self within and don't deny it or excuse it.

In later bits, like in the Allies Arc, Meta would have met with Dark Meta again and he would have absolutely been teasing him about the ordeal and how crappy he was at keeping in touch with his darker side despite basically being family with a bunch of Demon Beasts at this point---from there, he'd be helping him with the whole Jambandran issue and would have filled him in on his part of what happened where he fought his Morpho as well and dealt with the same shenanigans. Honestly they would be more chill and friendly at this point and greet each other like old pals.

After all, who else would better get you than yourself---even if he acts like you if you were stuck in your angsty teen phase?

[personification-of-darkness]

getting told i dont deserve to be punished because what ive done to myself is enough and getting told that my friends like when i communicate my thoughts and feelings in whatever way works best for me.... whatevevvvvvverrrrrrrrrrrr this means nothing to me. at all. these two phrases arent going to be stuck in my mind forever.

[non-un-topo]

Daily November crying sessions start today

[youcanfacethis]

Remember when I went to the rep pop up a few hours before Taylor decided to go and had just gotten home and got a twitter notification like…. the timing will never align for me!

[outer-edges]

i swear every time i reread something i wrote, even if it wasn't supposed to be personal, somehow turns into a deep look at my psyche. like the call is coming from inside the house oh my god

(putting my in depth ramblings about this under the cut cuz it got a lil long lol)

the main character of my big original work thinks there is something deeply, profoundly, and fundamentally wrong with her. she doesn't have any close relationships, and she thinks it's because of her fundamental shortcomings. she thinks she's an empty monster totally undeserving of love. she pushes people away and sequesters herself because she's too scared of people truly seeing her, and she'd rather live a waking death than confront that.

she spends her whole life pining for friendship and love and closeness while feeling completely isolated and alone. and now she takes solace in her loneliness and rejects any and all support because she thinks it makes her stronger. she tries to keep a tight string of control over her emotions, and can't ever express how she truly feels to those who actually know her in the real world. she thinks being independent is the true indicator of strength. and literally her entire character arc is about learning that love and support is where real strength comes from. the core of the story is her finding her 'best friend', dropping the superficial mask she shows the world, and revealing herself in totality, being completely vulnerable, and being loved and accepted all the same.

AND GUYS. SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE MAIN CHARACTER OF A FUN LITTLE COMIC-BOOKY BUDDY COP HITMAN ROMP. BUT OVER THE YEARS SHE SOMEHOW TURNED INTO THIS. LIKE THE CALL IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE FUCKING HOUSE OH MY GOD

THEN THERE'S MY FUN LITTLE FANTASY SERIES. GUESS WHAT IT'S ALSO ABOUT? A GIRL WHO IS COMPLETELY ISOLATED AND ALONE AND DENYING PARTS OF HERSELF LEARNING HOW TO EXPRESS HERSELF AND FINDING LOVE AND ACCEPTANCE AND FAMILY.

like even my totally self indulgent spidersona oc that was ALSO supposed to be stupid fun: she has to keep a fundamental secret about herself and lives a double life where she convinced she's going to be ostracized and judged for this second life she's keeping a secret, and this secret keeps her from developing close relationships. then, when she finally finds peace, it's because she finds people she can share her secret with and they love and accept her anyway because they can relate and most have the same secret. THE MAJORITY OF WHICH WAS WRITTEN WHILE I WAS STRUGGLING TO COME TO TERMS WITH MY SEXUALITY....

and that's not even TOUCHING my works where i was self aware of what emotions i was working thru while writing. those are the things i was just doing for funsies 💀

THE CALL IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE FUCKING HOUSE

[wifeiy]

girl has to share things in her class discord and starts shaking sweating

[aro-tarot]

Oh, I may have gone ahead and ordered a BJD to shell Viktor because shelling him as been enough of a pull to finally get another BJD.

And when I was asking how long that companies wait time is, I'd never ordered from them and turns out it's just 1-3 months, I also asked about the one I was waiting on. I figured I had 2-3 months on him still because I also ordered the clothes and wings in the company photos.

But nope, he actually just shipped. I just hadn't been sent the tracking info yet.

So it won't be too long that I get my one very odd grail of having a sculpt that's named Merlin. Which one is filling that grail? Charm Doll Merlin because Charm Doll has been my favorite BJD company when it comes to their sculpts and posing and also because he was so darn cute.