#sixpennydame series

[sixpennydame]

Make. Believe. ❖ Act 2

Actor!Levi x Fem!Reader

Levi has always kept his professional and private life separate…until you came along.

Warnings/Content: NSFW, Minors do not interact, vaginal sex, creampie, angst, mentions of AoT final season episodes

A/N: You know it wouldn't be me if I didn't add a little angst in there. ;-). This story will have a final, third part.

Act 1 | Act 3

“Levi! Levi! You’re needed in hair and makeup in 5 minutes.” His assistant knocked on the locked door of his trailer.

“Yeah…yeah..I’ll be right there. We’re just working on a script analysis.”

Levi currently has you hoisted up against the small kitchen counter, his pants down around his ankles as he’s pounding into you. You’re both sweaty and disheveled, and definitely not doing script analysis of any kind. 

“Don’t go, not yet..” you purr into his ear before nibbling on his earlobe. 

“God, I wish I didn’t have to.” He grabs the sides of your waist and starts thrusting even harder, his breathing becoming short and erratic. His climax comes intensely, even with a quickie like this. It’s just how his body reacts with you, he can’t explain it.

He lays his head on your shoulder. “You vixen, see what you do to me?” He looks down at his watch. “Shit, I’m gonna be late. Aaliyah is gonna kill me.”

He pulls on his pants, runs his hands through his hair, and gives you a quick kiss. “I’ll see you on set later.”

A sigh escapes his mouth as he leaves his trailer. What the hell is going on with him?

Levi had always prided himself on being a professional. He took his job seriously and others respected him for it.

He was sad that Attack on Titan was coming to a close; he’d met some of his dearest friends through the show and it allowed him to make a true living from acting. On the other hand, it had catapulted him into a spotlight he never truly wanted. The paparazzi, the tabloids, the constant prying into his personal life - it drove him mad sometimes.

The press was always trying to pair him with his female co-stars. If he was seen having dinner or even a coffee with any of them, suddenly they were a couple and the rumors would fly. Sure, he’d had some flings here and there, but nothing serious, and certainly nothing he wanted the public to know about.

Between filming Attack on Titan and his various other film projects throughout the year, Levi barely had time for romance or a relationship anyway.

And then he met you.

His first impression of you was that you were cute. But there was no shortage of pretty faces in this industry, and he wondered if you were just another one of those young actresses chosen more for their looks than skill.You fit the physicality and persona of the character of Anna well: you had a timeless, classic look about you that fit perfectly with the 1920’s time period and bright, beautiful eyes. In fact, it was your eyes that he first noticed, because he could see every emotion you were feeling through them. As time went on he’d get to know you better, and would learn how to read your emotions through your eyes. You were like an open book.

Any concern about your skill was quickly dismissed the first time he rehearsed with you. You were serious and hard-working, and you had done your homework on your character. Initially he’d offered to spend time with you because he wanted you to feel comfortable with him, but as the days passed he found that he just ‘clicked’ with you.

He’s not sure when he began to desire more. Maybe it was that first intimate scene when you threw him off guard by taking his fingers in your mouth. More than likely, it was in the quiet moments you two shared together - reading lines to each other, the way you would bite your bottom lip when you were concentrating. Or when you’d rehearse blocking, feeling your warm body against his, weaving your fingers together as your characters held hands.

When he felt himself get hard while shooting the sex scene, Levi knew he was in deep. It was the first time that he’d just allowed himself to lose control, for a brief moment. But seeing you there, your beautiful body displayed before him, your eyes wild and yearning, he couldn’t help himself. Even rubbing against you like that felt like a dream; and then you moaned his name in his ear…

God, he’d loved that. He’s not sure how he was even able to stay in character. Maybe he hadn’t. It was all starting to get mixed up.

——

Levi leaves his trailer to find Aaliyah, his assistant, waiting for him with her arms crossed and a to-go cup of tea in hand.

“Seriously, Levi?” she huffs, handing him his tea. “A locked door again?”

“I know, I know, I’m sorry. We just…needed privacy for the blocking.”

“I thought it was script analysis?” Her eyebrow raises.

They stop walking and stand in front of the makeup trailer. “Right..script analysis AND blocking. Thanks for the tea - is this English Breakfast?” He sips the drink, attempting to change the subject.

“Levi, it’s been four weeks of locked-door-script-analysis-blocking-whatever…I know what’s going on between you too.”

Aaliyah moves closer. “And it’s fine. You’re both adults, do whatever you want. But don’t get too distracted.” She puts a hand on his shoulder. “And people are starting to talk. I know you hate that.”

It’s true, the last four weeks he had been distracted. He just couldn’t get enough of you; or rather, you couldn’t get enough of each other. He loved kissing you, holding you, being between your legs. But he also just loved being with you: your loud laugh, your ability to make everything a dumb song, your kind and caring nature. Everything about you was just magic to him.

And he should have known people would start talking: the chemistry was undeniable between you two. The following week included shooting scenes of the two characters being hopelessly in love. There were montage shots of the both of you lying naked in a field, him brushing over your hip bones with flowers; next, it was swimming in the creek, your wet summer clothes clinging to your body as he teased you to jump from the rock; another yet was the two of you reading by firelight in his cabin, your legs propped on his lap as you both laughed at the story. Watching the two of you act together was like watching something intimate and special; even crew members that didn’t work that day would come and observe.

At the end of the day, one of you would end up in the other’s room, opting to be with each other rather than go out with any other cast and crew members. People probably were talking, but for the first time in a long time, Levi wasn’t thinking about what others thought - he was just doing what felt good and right in the moment. For a seasoned actor such as Levi, it was reckless and selfish…

…and very likely driving his assistant Aaliyah crazy.

“If this gets out, the rumors may overshadow the publicity events we have set up for Attack on Titan next week. Just..be cautious,” she warns with a concerned look on her face.

——

The following week, the film’s final, pivotal scenes were scheduled to be shot. Since these concentrated mainly on Anna and her husband, Levi had some free time that his publicist decided to fill with some promotions for Attack on Titan’s final season. Filming wrapped for the last episode months ago, but he and a few others were also called in for some last minute voice over work. Interviews, talk shows, and social media events were the least favorite part of the job for him, but he happily obliged to be able to see some of his closest friends again.

As he boarded the plane he thought about you, like he often did these days. Maybe he could bring you to some of the AoT premiers and introduce you to Erwin, Hange, and the others. It surprised him: he was planning a future with you after filming. He’d never done that with anyone before and it honestly scared him a little.

When Levi arrives at the studio where AoT is filmed and edited, he instantly feels like he’s at home. So many memories shared with such amazing actors. Only a few minutes pass before he sees a familiar face.

“Oh shit.”

“Levi fucking Ackerman.” Zeke steps out of the sound booth. “Look at you, still have a tea in your hand and a scowl on your face. I think you’re becoming more like your character every time I see you.”

“Well I drank it so much on set it just became a habit. But hating you might be the other thing I grew accustomed to.”

They both stare at each other intensely then break out into laughter. Levi reaches out to shake his hand. “Damn, I’ve missed sparring with you. How’ve you been?”

“Good, man. Can’t complain. You?”

“Not bad, not bad. Good to be back in the studio with you all. I’ve missed this.”

“But you missed me most of all, right?” Zeke puts an arm around Levi.

“I never get a chance to miss you, Zeke. They always put us in interviews together.” Levi laughs. “Did you see we’re doing the Vanity Fair one next month?”

Zeke nods as he walks down the hallway with Levi. “Yep. And then we have the WIRED one in a few weeks where we read the google searches about us. I wonder how many of mine will be monkey related.”

“I had to do one of those Tik Tok Challenges with the kids yesterday. God, I shouldn’t call them kids anymore, they’re all in their 20’s now. Anyway, it made me feel incredibly old.”

“Speaking of being old…” Zeke's eyes shine with mischief, “what’s a grandpa like you doing with that new, young co-star? Please tell me she’s single.”

“She wouldn’t be interested in you. She’s definitely not your type.” Levi found himself getting defensive. “And I’m not that old.”

And Zeke saw it immediately. “Ah, fuck. You’re into her.”

“Oh come on…” Levi tries to blow it off with a wave of his hand.

“No no - I’ve worked with you long enough to know that look. But good for you, man.” Zeke pats him on the back. “Press is gonna have a field day with it, though. I can speak from experience. And then there’s the constant juggling of schedules, trying to find time to see each other. You’re in your prime and she’s just starting out - who knows when you’ll ever have time for one another, especially with the schedule we’re about to have. It can strain a relationship.”

Levi’s schedule was packed the rest of the day with recording and media events, but Zeke’s words had planted a seed of doubt in his heart, and it had him troubled. He was right, dating another actor is difficult, especially if they’re both steadily working. Was getting in a relationship the best thing right now, even if it felt so right? Were you both rushing into something neither of you were prepared for?

____

Levi returned to set later that week, his mind a jumbled mess of thoughts and worries. It was late, but he’d texted you to say he was on his way so you were more than likely waiting up for him.

When he arrives to your room, you practically jump into his arms. “I missed you.”

“It was only a week,” He chuckles, then squeezes you a little tighter. “I missed you too.”

You grab his hand and lead him out of the foyer. There were candles lit and a bottle of wine and two glasses on the table.

“What’s all this?” he asks.

“I have big news.” Your face is beaming and you grab both his hands. “Remember that series I auditioned for before we started filming?” She pauses, building up the tension. “Well…I got it. I got the part!”

This was big. It was a huge HBO series that was already being talked about before casting had even started. Actors from all over were competing for roles, so the fact you got a part just solidified for Levi what he already knew:

Your star was rising.

“That’s amazing! I’m so, so proud of you. You deserve it.” He hugs you tightly.

You pour the wine and give Levi a glass. “I just can’t even believe it. First this role, and now the series? It’s happening all so fast.” You clink glasses with him and take a sip. “I’ll have like two weeks at home and then I fly out to London for costume fittings.”

Levi can feel the excitement radiating off you. “When does filming start?”

“In two months. It’s being filmed in Iceland, so I’ll be spending the rest of the year there, from the looks of it.”

His heart sank. He knows how the industry works, and he wasn’t naive enough to think that they could be together forever. He just wasn’t ready for this all to end yet.

“But I have some breaks in between, I think.” You’ve already got your phone out and are looking through your calendar and appointments. “You’ll probably be doing a lot of publicity for the final part of AoT, so maybe we can try to coordinate our breaks to be together?”

“Yeah, I’ll leave for Japan after we wrap here for the start of the publicity tour, then Europe and the U.S. once the final episode comes out. It’s gonna be difficult.” There’s a worried look in your eyes so he cups your cheek. “We can talk about it later. Right now, we have some celebrating to do!” He takes a drink of the wine and gives you a reassuring smile.

That night, he makes love to you softly and lovingly, kissing down your chest, your hips, your thighs. He wants to take in every part of you, treasure every moan and sigh. While you sleep in his arms, he runs his fingers through your hair. He wishes they could stay in this room forever, that the filming for this movie would never end. But the real world - and their careers - are waiting, and it’s not slowing down, for either of you.

It’s selfish of him to want you for himself. He knows that this film will bring a lot of attention for you and that will bring more and more jobs. To ask you to be with him, to make time for him, it isn’t fair to you.

Plus, he’s quite a bit older than you are. He can already hear the tabloids having a field day with that one. They would probably blame your rising celebrity on being with him. You don’t need that kind of negative attention.

He feels a heaviness in the pit of his stomach, fearing what is inevitable.

____

The final scene of the film is shot deep in the mountains, where Levi’s character has moved. In the script, he’s left the estate in order to escape his feelings for Anna, but in the end, she leaves her husband and seeks her lover, choosing to be with him.

It’s a beautiful moment. The sun is just rising over the mountains as you walk towards the cabin. Levi turns around and sees you, but neither of you say anything. The wind whips your hair across your face as you approach him, and he pushes it back, cupping your cheek and bringing you in for a kiss. All the crew watches in silence.

“And cut! That was perfect, you two.” The Director gets up to face the crew. “And that’s a wrap, everyone!”

There’s applause, then the crew starts taking apart equipment and loading it into trucks. You look at Levi and smile. “I guess that’s it then.”

Crew members start coming by to congratulate you both and to spread information about the wrap party later that night. Levi wants to get you alone, to talk with you privately, but you’ve already been whisked off by your assistant.

You ride together back to town in the same car, but since you’re not alone, Levi decides to text you:

Can we talk when we get back to the hotel?

Sure. <3, was your reply.

____

Levi’s palms are sweaty and his heart races as he waits for you in his room. When you knock, he opens the door to see your beautiful, smiling face. He can feel his heart breaking already.

“Sit down. We need to talk.”

“Ok,” you sit down next to him and he takes your hand, “what’s up?”

He knows he has to just say it, even though it’s hard. There’s no way to ease into it. “Now that filming has wrapped, I’m thinking we should cool things off.”

She pulls her hand away. “What do you mean, cool things off?”

“We had fun together, but once this is over we’ll be in two totally different parts of the world. It’ll be that way for a while.” He looks down. “You don’t need to worry about seeing me or being in a relationship.”

That makes her scowl at him. “Don’t put this on me, Levi. Because that is not what I want. I want to be with you,” she pauses, searching his face, “I thought you wanted that too.”

“I-“ he thinks carefully about what he should say next. “It’s not realistic.”

He looks into your eyes - those beautiful eyes he’s learned to read so well - and knows he’s hurt you deeply.

He cups your cheek. “You are such a talented actress. Working with you, getting to know you, has been the greatest experience the last few months. But you are about to do big things. You need to focus on your career, and I don’t want to get in the way of that.”

“So this was just a fling for you? Something to pass the time?”

“Of course not.” Levi’s stomach is in knots. “I haven’t felt this way about someone since…God, I don’t know if I ever have. But I don't want to start a relationship I can’t give one hundred percent to. You deserve to be taken care of and treasured. I,” he struggles to say the words, “can’t give you that right now”

He sees a few tears running down your cheeks and he wipes them away with his thumb. Then he brings your forehead to his. If this is the right choice, why does it hurt so badly? He thinks to himself.

Levi expects you to yell or push him away, but you don’t. “What we had - it was good, wasn’t it?” you ask, sweetly and sadly.

His adam’s apple bobs as he swallows hard, pushing down all the things he wants to say. “It was. Really good.”

He can still feel it - the pull you have on him. He tries to will himself to move, but he can’t, he doesn’t want to. You plant a soft kiss on his lips, then another. He opens his mouth and feels your soft tongue mingle with his, as the kisses grow more passionate.

Your leg moves across him and you now straddle his lap while Levi’s hands grab your ass, pulling you closer to him. You wrap your arms around his neck as you both continue to kiss and Levi’s hands move under your shirt to cup your breasts.

You begin to grind on top of him and Levi adjusts himself on the sofa so that his hardening cock can rub you exactly where you want it. God, he can’t get enough of your body.

There’s a sudden stop in your movements and then you’re hiking up your skirt and pulling off your underwear. In answer to your actions, Levi undoes his pants and pulls out his cock right as you sit back on him. In one fluid motion he slides into you; you’re already so wet but tight, so he wants to take it slow, but you won’t allow it. You raise up your hips so that only his tip is inside you and then you sit back down, taking him in fully.

You undulate on top of him and he can feel you tightening around his cock as you move. Maybe this is your way of punishing him or just a way to use him, but he doesn’t care. If he can be with you, just one more time, then he’ll let you do whatever you want.

He grabs your hips as you move up and down, your pace turning fast and relentless. When he leans in to kiss your neck, you push him away, forcing his back against the sofa. Your hands on his shoulders, there’s not much Levi can do other than let you have your way.

Neither of you say anything, not even through moans, but your sad eyes stay fixed on him. You’re so warm and so wet, Levi can feel one of those intense climaxes coming again for him.

He cums inside you, and a deep guttural moan escapes his lips. Your movements switch to a deeper grinding motion as you pursue your own end.

You lay your head in the crook of his neck as he puts his arms around you. Minutes pass and neither of you say a word or move a muscle.

He’s a fool to give this up.

“Goodbye, Levi.”

You get up, quickly slip your underwear back on and leave without another word.

——

Levi reluctantly goes to the wrap party later that night, only planning to show his face then get out of there as soon as possible. Maybe if he only stays for a brief moment, he won’t have to see you.

But then you show up with a few other cast members. He can tell you’re already drunk because you're talking loudly and hugging everyone. Either you haven’t noticed he’s there or you refuse to acknowledge him, and both pain him. He has to get out of here, but before he can make his exit he’s grabbed by the Director.

“Everyone, let’s give a round of applause for our two leads…hey where is our Anna? Get over here!”

You walk out of the crowd and stand next to Levi. As the Director pushes you two together, you smile and take turns thanking the crew and supporting cast. Your smile is radiant as you speak, but Levi notices one difference:

Your eyes, once so easily readable, were now closed off to him.

You work your way around the room and Levi decides he shouldn’t leave the party yet, especially since he thought a guy from the supporting cast was flirting with you. Jealousy begins to build up in his heart as he watches you from afar; you laugh, placing a hand on the man’s arm then pulling it away. Levi’s own hand grips his whiskey tightly before downing it in one shot.

When you’re finally by yourself and ordering another drink at the bar, he can’t resist walking over to you.

“You seem to be enjoying yourself,” he says with vitriol and a hint of inebriation in his voice.

You don’t look at him. “Yeah, that’s what you do at parties.”

“And you’re flirting with everyone here…is that what you do at parties too?” The words start falling out and he does nothing to stop them. “Looking for the next person you’ll fuck tonight?”

You turn your head at that last remark, as your eyes flash and shoot him a pained look. “You don’t get to judge who I talk to tonight,” you move closer to him, your voice lowered to a whisper as you speak, “or who I fuck.”

All he can do is watch as you turn your back to him and join your group at the table.

——

The next morning, Levi is awakened by a knock on his door.

“Levi! We need to leave in 30 minutes to catch the flight to Japan. I hope you’re packed in there,” Aaliyah says in an authoritative tone.

Levi rolls out of bed and grabs the water on his bed stand. He shouldn’t have drank so much last night, but it was the only way he could deal with seeing you. He’d refused to leave that party until he knew you went back to your room safely - and alone.

He opens the door to see Aaliyah waiting for him, tea in hand, as usual.

“Ugh, you look like shit. Please put these on.” She hands him her Rayban sunglasses.

As they walk down the hallway, Levi stops at your door and almost knocks. Maybe he can take back what he said last night; maybe they can make this work.

“She already left. A few hours ago.” Aaliyah puts a hand on his slumped shoulder. “Come on, we have a flight to catch.”

Levi sighs, then something shifts inside him. This is over. And he has work to do.

He puts on the sunglasses and prepares to face the growing crowd of fans that have heard he’s leaving the town today. “Right. Let’s go over my Japan schedule on the way to the airport.”

Join my taglist!

@thevelria @lunaheroine18 @meltingforthatackerman @adanfore @blondebebop @levisfavoriteacup @dont-f-with-moogles @itty-bitty-baby-face @ricecrispiebirb @whorenamedbee @rec-a-fic @leviismybby @littlerequiem @satorizz @lost-in-the-daylight @nube55 @kingkonoha @mrsackxrman @youre-ackermine @luvjiro @wanderlustqueen-writes @mrsackermannx @honestlywtfisgoingon @bejewelledd @cometlevi @sea-after-a-storm @notgoodforlife @belovedackerman @y44sherlock @xyumemi @armani78 @humanitys-strongest-bamf @thalia-prior-of-ravenclaw @woozzz @imlevisoneandonlywife

[ae-chidori]

You know this feeling when you finish a good TV Series or a book and you just don’t know what to do with your life anymore…?

Recently I’ve read a fic about Demon!Levi and I just can’t stop thinking about it. It’s called A Demon’s Promise by AngelDesaray. I really hope the writer will continue writing this story one day because I didn’t even get to finish it since it hasn’t been updated for so long 🥲 And still waiting for the North Star, of course, by sixpennydame.

But hey, no pressure writers, it’s just my own personal tragedy 😂

[dont-f-with-moogles]

Squad Denial's Greatest Hits 💚💜

With the end of Attack on Titan just moments away, I wanted to celebrate the years (and hearts) devoted to reading, watching, drawing and writing for this incredible series!

This comes with a massive shout out to Squad Denial and their amazing array of fan art and fics, all dedicated to Levihan and the fact that both are obviously alive and well, living their lives together as they deserved.

So here we go for a stroll down the lane of Squad Denial's Greatest hits...

Greatest Hits*

Fics We Built This Town on Shaky Grounds - ImNotStubborn The Truth is Out There But So Is Love - WanderLustQueenWrites A Trick of the Heart - Fanmoose12

Drabbles Echo - YoureAckermine Two For the Road - SixPennyDame Bath ft Levihan - WyvernsLoveCake

Art "There's Love In Every Stitch" - TheySangAsTheySlew Wave - GiuliaDrawsStuff

(*this is also for me so I don't have to keep looking for these absolute beauts)

A big thanks to my faves for giving me these absolute faves. Please reblog to share your appreciation for these supremely talented people! 💚💜

[amywritesthings]

do you have any levi fics recommendations? i’m having trouble finding ones that live up to yours 😭🙏🏼

I WILL PREFACE AND SAY I HAVE NOT READ MANY LEVI FICS tbh i try to avoid fics of the person i'm about to write so i dont accidentally get influenced by portrayals (i'm also heavily into reading bnha fics right now, like that's all i currently read)

but

i highly rec @sixpennydame's DARK SIDE OF THE MOON fic. the first two parts are out, it's cyberpunk-y yakuza levi. it's SO fucking scrumptuous. that's my current obsession.

sailor's NORTH STAR series is also a great comfort/healing fic if you wanna curl up and get cozy.

@humanitys-strongest-brat also has a fantastic modern one shot called SHOELACES that i was giggling while reading

[h0neylevi]

hey babe ! loving ur writing and i was wondering if u can recommend other levi authors on here ! thanks <33

hello anon

to be honest with you, i haven't had much time to read as many people as I'd like. they're all already pretty popular names within the fandom, but yeah. I'll take any chance to praise other writers ❤︎

i know she's no longer an active participant in the fandom, but i'd be doing sar's work a disservice by not mentioning her every chance i get: @bibblelevi (when i say that i've opened silver soul hundreds of times, i'm not exaggerating. it's my comfort fic and sar is my comfort writer)

@levmada @sixpennydame @littlerequiem @amywritesthings @toruvi @xokiddo (<- jay is the whole reason i came to tumblr tbh) @happybird16 and @jayteacups are all amazing in their own unique ways. these are the people i'm always learning from and eagerly eating up every word they write.

as for people who are on my list to read but haven't yet: @humanitys-strongest-bamf (i am 👀 👀 about the matcha series) @chaotic-on-main @fromthechaoticmind @romantichomicide95

i'm sure there are probably dozens of others i'm forgetting at the moment for both categories. it's early 😅 and my brain is still in dial-up mode but there are a ton of talented levi writers here.

happy reading, anon!

[humanitys-strongest-bamf]

...oh boy. we going with all of them? alrighty

tagged by @chaotic-on-main!!!

rules: post the names of the files in your WIP folder, regardless of how non-descriptive or ridiculous. let people send you an ask with the title that most intrigues them, and then post a little snippet or tell them something about it! tag as many people as you have WIPs!

the levi-related ones will be highlighted in pink since i've done a lot of writing for different fandoms so

Split into folders!

"BSD AU"

"Current" - dazai x reader "mafia days" - mafia!dazai x reader "mafia husband au" - chuuya x reader

2. "First drafts" - these are all canondivergent rewrites of some toaru light novels

"agitate halation arc" "battle royale arc" "DRAGON arc" "WWIII arc"

3. "Main verse" / general - most are related or excerpts of the canondivergent toaru universe unless otherwise specified

"book 1: the darkness within" "book 3 beginnings" "condemnation of the city" "intro to soul magic" - undertale au "purge arc" "soul harvest"

4. "Main verse" / "Series 1: Science" - updated drafts of canondivergent toaru light novel rewrites

"experiment arc" "the descent" "the dark side" "DRAGON" "WWII arc actual" "Ryuuri arc" - introduces another OC "freshman arc" "the next step" "agitate halation arc" "invasion arc"

5. "Main verse" / "Series 2: Magic"

"angel fall arc" "daihaisei arc" "hawaii invasion arc" "intro to magic"

"Misc"

"ATLA" - what it sounds like. OC that is Azula's twin. mostly explores Azula's POV throughout the OG series "norse au" - had some marvel-related dream where i was an odinson and beat the shit out of hela and was like very close with loki and was the true heir to the throne or something idk dreams are weird and sometimes i'll write about them "overwatch heart thing" - idk this has something to do with genji. i dont actually remember LMAO "plot: dazai is pissed at you" - what it sounds like. ex-boyfriend!dazai x reader. gets kinda dark.

"Random AU's that might turn into something" - my AOT content! :D

"Forced Roommates AU" - modern!au levi x reader (I'M STILL WORKING ON THIS GUYS I PROMISE I SWEAR) "Main AU" - canonverse levi x reader with special abilities due to a bloodline heritage "Post-war" - where i hold the parts of Until I See You Again "rivals" - canonverse levi x assassin!reader random WIPs in my drafts: - part 2 of the modern!au oneshot i wrote for @luvjiro - oneshot with flustering levi as he's patching you up - headcanons of levi as a pet!dad - either a canonverse oneshot or drabble of levi breaking up with a reader to protect them but then the reader dies and he wasn't there to protect them - request: canon!divergent scene where reader gets turned into a Titan and levi has to hunt down beardo and feed him to her - drunk love confession - levi attempting to confess his feelings but he's horrifically drunk - levi being reluctant to ask you out on a date - depressed reader and levi comes home to her with a matcha

send me asks if you're interested! even for the non-aot ones! although some i might remember better than others idk i've been writing for a while jadkf;ljd

#: @ohmytomorrowisthursday @fscottcatsgerald @marleysfinest @prettyiwa @mrsackxrman @sixpennydame @dont-f-with-moogles @ghostlykeyes @svftackerman @thevelria @nosleepjustlevi + anyone else i forgot idk i've gotten like 4 hours of sleep in the past 3 days a;dlkfjd

[sixpennydame]

Make. Believe. ❖ Act 3

Actor!Levi x Fem!Reader

The AoT Premiere approaches, but all Levi can think about is you.

Warnings/Content: NSFW, Minors do not interact, fingering, unprotected vaginal sex, creampie, infidelity (Reader has a boyfriend as first), mentions of AoT final season episodes

A/N: There will be a final drabble that highlights more of the AoT episode premiere event; I wanted this part to focus more on our two main characters, but I've been having so much fun with the extra details in the drabbles. I hope you've enjoyed my take on AoT Actor AU!!

Act 1 | Act 2

Levi can’t keep track of what country he’s in, what time zone or even what day it is.

But he knows it’s been 186 days since he’s seen you.

Japan had been a whirlwind of promotions for the last two parts of the Attack on Titan final season, with meet-and-greets, commercial shoots, and talk show appearances. Europe had been much the same, and although it was exhausting, it was also fulfilling, being back with the cast, traveling with his old friends. He was sad to see it end, but he was also excited about other projects that were coming up. And next month, he’ll be going to the Cannes Film Festival, where the movie you and he shot together will finally premiere. After eight months, he’ll see you again.

But before that, he’s returned to Japan for the premiere of the final two episodes of Attack on Titan. Jet lag is still hitting him hard, and he sighs when he looks over at the clock and sees that it’s only two o’clock in the morning. Another sigh escapes his lips when he looks over at the naked body beside him in the bed. He can barely remember her name - was it Jessica? Jessie? All he really knows is that she was sitting next to him in the bar of the Tokyo Grand Hotel and that she looked as lonely as he was. He feels guilty - he’s never been one for one night stands - but he was yearning to feel your body again; and if he couldn’t have you, then this was good enough.

These days, your face is everywhere. You’d recently contracted with Christian Dior and were now the model for Miss Dior cologne. As Levi had arrived at Haneda airport, there was a giant poster of you tangled up in silk sheets with your hair cascading down one bare shoulder. “What Would You Do For Love?” the poster asked.

When he walked in a posh area of Shibuya, there was another advertisement of you; this time you’re lying across a sofa in a black silk dress, the pink bottle of cologne pressed against your chest. Your eyes are half-lidded and sultry - the same kind of look you’d give him when you’d make love, all those months ago.

He reaches over and grabs his phone, the light from the screen illuminating his face in the darkness as he scrolls mindlessly through Instagram. He stops when he sees that you’ve posted a picture.

“Just finished filming season one! Now for a much needed break.”

You’re surrounded by your other cast members, all of you smiling. A man has his arm around you and Levi squints to look closer at the picture. He wonders if he’s just a friend, or if it’s something more, then he laughs at himself.

What is he doing? Why can’t he forget you?

He’s the one that made this choice, and he’s the one that pushed you away. You’re smart, ambitious, and beautiful - of course you’d find someone else to be with. But he can't help but wonder what it’ll be like to see you in person again, and with you on his mind, he eventually falls asleep.

Hours later, Levi’s phone is buzzing and chiming erratically and it jolts him awake. He turns off the alarm, then checks the time. “Shit, I gotta get up.”

He’d promised Erwin that they’d do a run this morning around the Imperial Palace Gardens. As he gets out of bed and grabs a t-shirt, an arm from the woman next to him reaches over.

“Hey,” she says softly.

“Hey.” Awkwardness and regret drip from his voice. “This was fun but you’ve gotta go - I mean I - I’ve gotta go. I have somewhere to be.”

“Ok…let me just go clean up a bit,” she replies as she picks her clothes up off the floor and makes her way to the bathroom.

Putting on his running clothes, Levi shakes his head. They’re two consenting adults, but he can’t help but feel embarrassed about it all. He hates these kinds of awkward moments, especially when he knows he has no feelings for the woman.

He grabs his phone from the nightstand and notices there’s an unread message. When he unlocks his phone, he sees that it’s from you and his heart starts to beat fast.

“Hi. Have fun at the premiere tonight.”

That was it, but Levi reads it a few times. He types out a simple, “Thanks,” not wanting to be rude, but also not wanting to seem too eager.

He puts the phone down but after a few seconds, picks it back up again and types another message.

“How are you?”

He doesn’t realize that he’s grinning from ear to ear.

“Got some good news?” The woman is out of the bathroom and dressed.

Levi looks up from the screen then puts the phone down quickly. “Yeah. Maybe.” He walks over to her and kisses her tentatively on the cheek. “I’ll text you later.”

“You don’t have my number.” She’s seen right through his lie.

“Look I’m sorry, it’s just that I -“

“It’s fine, I wasn’t expecting more out of this anyway.” Before she opens the door to leave, she stops to look at him. “You’re a good man, Levi. I hope you find someone who makes you happy.”

—-

Erwin stands at the entrance of the Imperial Palace East Gardens, looking at his watch. “You’re late.”

“I know, I know, I got held up. Sorry about that.”

“Still jet lagged?”

“A bit,” Levi answers as he messes with his smart watch. “You?”

“Not really. Cold showers in the morning really help me to adjust.”

Levi laughs. “Of course. I forgot you did that.”

“Every morning. Let’s go.” Erwin and Levi start jogging down the path that leads through the East Gardens. It’s early spring and the cherry blossoms are at their peak in Tokyo, pink petals falling down around them.

When Erwin and Levi were on set for Attack on Titan, they would jog together every morning. It was something that Levi had always done alone, but found having a running partner comforting, even if they barely talked to each other. Erwin had a perpetual aura of calm around him, which was difficult to find amongst other actors. Levi hadn’t seen much of him since his character died, and both had been busy doing other projects; these past weeks doing promos for AoT made him feel like it was old times.

They finish an hour later back where they started, sunglasses on with the hope that no one will recognize them. “You ready for tonight?” Erwin asks as he walks up to a vending machine to buy a bottle of water.

“Yes and no. It’s bittersweet, to see something you worked on for so long finally end. But I’m proud of the work we’ve done on it, and I’m excited to see how the final episodes turned out.”

“Me too. It was good to be on set with you again, even for just a short moment.”

“Yeah, those were not fake tears coming down my face, let me tell you,” Levi admitted with a laugh.

As both men walked through the park, Levi reached into his pocket to check his phone and sure enough, there was another text from you:

“I’m doing good. :-)”

It elicits a smile from Levi and Erwin laughs. “What?” Levi asks defensively.

“Oh nothing,” Erwin replies, “that’s just an awful big smile. Must be someone special.”

“Someone I was trying to forget, actually.”

“And why would you do that?”

“Because I’m an idiot and I thought it’d be better that way for her.”

“Ah, I see.” Erwin sits down on a bench under a sweeping sakura tree and Levi follows. “Levi, in all the years I’ve known you, you’ve always put others ahead of yourself. It’s one of the things I admire most about you. But sometimes, you should be a little selfish.” He puts a hand on Levi’s shoulder. “And it’s ok to go after the things that you want. When you do that, life finds a way of working itself out.”

Levi smiles. Even off-screen, Erwin had a way of saying the wisest thing, right when he needed it most. “Yeah. Maybe you’re right.”

“‘Course I’m right,” Erwin grins. “And as your commander, my final order is for you to go after this woman with your whole heart.”

They both laugh and talk as they make their way out of the park and to the busy streets of Tokyo. When Levi returns to his hotel and enters the elevator, he feels his phone buzz. It’s another message from you, and Levi’s eyes go wide when he reads it:

“I’m in Tokyo to attend the AoT premiere. I hope you don’t mind.”

——

Iceland was cold. And lonely.

The last six months shooting the series had been an incredible experience. The cast was a mix of seasoned actors and newbies just starting out, and with a young, emerging director looking to prove himself, you knew that you were a part of something great. The days were long and sometimes exhausting, and often ended up with you collapsed on your bed looking over lines into the wee hours of the morning. For the most part, you were happy.

But god, you missed Levi.

That last night you saw him, you couldn’t understand why he thought it would be better for you two to be apart, but you pretended to be ok with it. And it had taken everything in you not to knock on his door the next morning when you were leaving. You’d seen the jealousy on his face that night - you knew he still cared for you. But your pride had you walk away without so much as a goodbye. It’s what he wanted, right?

So you tried to move on and forget him. You’d even started dating someone on set; a feeble attempt to prove to yourself (and to Levi, in a way) that you could be a working actor and keep up a relationship. He was nice enough and the sex was good, but it just wasn’t the same. Something was missing.

You knew Levi hated social media and never updated his Instagram account, so you started following his AoT co-stars, hoping to get just a glimpse of him. Every once in a while, a video would come out on YouTube of him in an interview with other cast members, and you’d smile at how awkward he was at being himself in front of a camera.

When the date of the AoT premiere was announced, you immediately contacted your agent to get you on the guest list. You’d loved Attack on Titan for years - you had to be there. And to be honest, you wanted to see that dark-haired, brooding man again, even if from a distance.

Filming was wrapped for the next several months, to give you all some much needed rest, but you only had one day at home before you were back on a plane and headed to Japan. As you arrived at your hotel in the darkness of the early morning, you got your phone out of your bag. Somewhere, in this sprawling city, Levi was sleeping. You wonder, does he ever dream of you?

You find his name in your contacts and send him a quick text. He probably won’t respond, you think to yourself.

When you wake up late that morning and see that he has, your heart skips a beat.

You can’t help but smile as you send him a reply. Then another. You fall asleep for an hour or so and when you wake up, he’s answered you:

“Of course not. I hope I’ll see you there.”

——

The area around the Toho Cinema Roppongi Hills is starting to fill with people as the time for the Attack on Titan, Final Parts 1 and 2 premiere approaches. A red carpet has been rolled out and barriers put up; press and media have started to set up in their usual places, in preparation for pictures and interviews with the cast. Premieres are a huge event, and something that Levi has been involved in more times than he can count, but this one - the final AoT episodes - makes him feel emotional.

Now that he knows you’ll be here, he’s glad he didn’t bring a date - not that he was looking for one. He, Erwin, and Hange had decided to be each other’s dates months ago and frankly, he wouldn’t have it any other way. The three of them ride in a limo to the cinema, along with their publicists and agents. All of them are silent, feeling the weight of this moment, until Hange breaks the silence as they pull up to the entrance.

“Ok, boys…the last ride of the three amigos..”

The three get out of the car and the cameras instantly start flashing. Hange gets between both Levi and Erwin and takes either arm in theirs, walking the red carpet and taking pictures before they separate for individual photos and interviews.

Levi usually likes picking his own clothes out for premiers, but he let a stylist do it this time. He walks down the red carpet in black pants and jacket, with a black mesh collared shirt underneath, which gives just the faintest view of his toned chest. Silver rings adorn his fingers, and he’s slicked back his hair, which he’s been growing out the past few months, just for fun. Photographers are yelling at him from every direction, asking him to look their way, or to take a picture with Hange, Zeke, or Erwin. All around him are the smiling faces of people he’s known for over 10 years, and soon, other celebrities and guests attending the event follow behind them. He looks through the crowd and sees you having your picture taken. You catch his eye and smile; he tries to make his way toward you but he’s whisked away by his publicist.

There are seats reserved in the front of the theater for the cast, with guests sitting in the rows behind them. He takes out his phone and texts you almost immediately upon sitting:

“Come to the after party? It’d be good to catch up.”

He sends you the address and a few moments later, receives your reply:

“I’ll see you there. :-)”

As he puts his phone in the breast pocket of his jacket, Hange reaches for his hand. “Are you ready for this?”

“As ready as I’ll ever be,” he replies with a sigh, squeezing their hand tightly.

The lights lower and the screen lights up to cheers from the crowd.

—-

Watching the final episodes was emotional, to say the least, but the mood at the after party is joyful and energetic. Everyone is drinking, eating, laughing, and reminiscing. Levi is sitting at a table with Petra, Ulou, and Eld when Zeke runs up.

“Levi, Levi, Levi, I just heard the greatest idea!” He forces his way between him and Petra. “Cast tattoos!”

“What?” Levi laughs.

“Yeah! Eren, Mikasa, Armin, and the others are doing it - we gotta do it too. They’re leaving soon, so let’s go!”

“No, no, there’s no we in this,” Levi protests as he resists Zeke pulling him away from the table. “Besides, I’m waiting for someone.”

“Oh?” That stops Zeke immediately. “And who would that be?”

You thank your driver in your limited Japanese as you leave the car and enter the stylish restaurant. Walking through the crowded space, you see Eren and Mikasa laughing and drinking with a group of other young actors. As a fan of the show since its beginning, you are feeling like a total fangirl as there are cast members from every season around you. But as you walk around the room looking for Levi, you suddenly get nervous, thinking that maybe this was a bad idea; you’re not even sure what you’re expecting from this night.

Just as you think about leaving, you see him sitting at a table with the Levi Squad cast and Zeke, who has an arm around him. He looks up, sees you, and smiles, throwing Zeke’s arm off of him.

As he walks towards you, you admire how good he looks. He’s so sexy, you can feel yourself blushing.

“Glad you could make it” he says, pulling you in to kiss you on the cheek. His lips are soft, just like you remember them.

“I wouldn’t miss it. Attack on Titan has been my favorite series since forever. To be honest, I am so excited to be surrounded by the cast.”

“Come on, I’ll introduce you to some of them.” He places his hand on the small of your back as he leads you through the crowd. Your hunter green silk dress swoops down low in the back, so when his hand touches your bare skin it gives you goosebumps.

He takes you from group to group, introducing you to people you’ve only known through a screen. You laugh with Jean and Connie as they talk about the practical jokes they used to pull on Levi off-set; you sing Red Swan (your favorite opening song) with Armin and Sasha, Levi refusing to join in no matter how hard you all try; you take shots with Hange and gush about how much you loved their character.

Levi watches you and can’t stop smiling. He’d forgotten how good it feels to be around you, to talk and flirt with you. Your hand grazes his and when he weaves his fingers through yours, you don’t resist. Your eyes shine as you look at him; you don’t have to say a word but he knows you’re feeling it too.

The two of you eventually make it over to Erwin and you blush when Levi brags about the film you made together and your acting skills.

“No, no,” you interject, “Levi is the real talent. His acting on set was some of the best I’ve ever seen.”

Erwin smiles. “I’m sure you both complement each other well and that the movie will be spectacular. I’m looking forward to seeing it.” He gives Levi a knowing smile and lifts up his champagne glass.

“Levi! My buddy!” Zeke comes crashing through the group, clearly inebriated. “And who is this? It’s Miss Dior herself.”

“Oh you’ve seen those?” The way he says it brings a blush to your cheeks.

“Of course I have. You look absolutely mesmerizing in those ads,” he moves closer to you, “just like you do tonight.”

Zeke leans on a nearby table and gives a playful smirk. “How long are you staying in Tokyo? I could show you around, if you’d like.”

“She doesn’t need you showing her around anywhere.” Levi’s voice is forceful for the first time that night. You put a reassuring hand on his arm - you have to admit, you like seeing him a little jealous.

“Thanks for the offer, Zeke, but I already have extensive plans in Tokyo.” You give Levi a smile that lets him know that ‘he’ is the plan.

Erwin comes to the rescue of both of you. “Zeke, what’s this I hear about tattoos? Are we doing this tonight?” He puts an arm around Zeke and leads him away, giving you both a wink.

The restaurant is large and sprawling, built in the old Japanese style, but is an interesting mix of East and West, old and new. There’s a garden in the center with the main area and smaller, more private rooms surrounding it. Wanting to escape the noise and commotion, you lead Levi outside, “It’s a bit quieter out here.”

“And more beautiful,” Levi replies, as you walk across a small bridge crossing a koi pond.

“It really is beautiful out here. I’ve always loved Japanese gardens.”

“I wasn’t talking about the garden.” He moves closer to you as you lean against the banister of the bridge. “You look stunning.”

“You know why I chose hunter green, don’t you?” He shakes his head. “Because it’s Levi’s color.”

“Oh really?” He is in front of you now, his hand grazing your arm ever so slightly as he looks you up and down.

“Mmmhmm, he’s always been my favorite character.”

“Nice to know I have a fan.”

“I’m just one of many.”

“But you’re the only one that matters.”

That makes you giggle. “So flirty. Is that how you get the ladies these days?”

“I don’t want anyone else. I just want you.” He looks at you with his piercing eyes. “It’s always been you.”

His words are like music to your ears, but you’re determined to stand firm. You can’t let him off so easily. “That didn’t seem to be the case six months ago.”

“Because I thought it was for the best, but I was wrong. So wrong. And I’ve regretted it every day since.”

His hand moves around your waist and he pulls you close. The lights of the garden shine in his dark grey eyes as his lips softly press against yours. You can’t help but return the kiss, your mouth opening slightly, inviting his tongue inside. When he moves away slightly, you realize you’d been holding your breath.

“I never should have let you go.”

“Levi, I..”

A few noisy and slightly drunk guests amble outside, ruining the moment. Without a word, Levi takes your hand and pulls you to a far corner of the garden, toward the private rooms. He pulls back the heavy, velvet curtains separating the room from the garden and gestures for you to enter. The room is small and intimate, decorated in a western style with a large, ornate mirror. You walk around, admiring the wingback chairs and gilded furniture, and then you feel Levi’s presence behind you.

His fingers lightly skim your bare arms, leaving a trail of heat coursing through your body. You close your eyes when you feel his warm breath against your neck, followed by soft kisses.

“Levi..I’m seeing someone..” you manage to say.

“Oh yeah?” He responds gently in your ear before kissing your earlobe. “You sure about that?”

When you open your eyes, you notice that you’re in front of the mirror and can see Levi kissing along your neck and shoulders. He looks up and grins.

“Right now I only see you and me.”

He continues kissing along your shoulder until the thin strap of your dress falls down your arm. You can’t resist him, you never could, and so you give in to your desires. You lean your body until your back is pressing against his chest. One of his hands is holding yours while the other is moving the fallen strap down lower, exposing your breast.

“God, you’re so beautiful,” he says as he looks at you in the mirror, his hand moving to cup your breast. “I’ve wanted to touch you like this all night.”

You guide his other hand lower, to the high slit of your dress, urging him to touch your thigh. “I missed you, Levi. So much.”

For you, it’s always been him as well. As much as you’ve tried to deny your feelings for him these past six months, all it took was one touch from him for it to all come back. And now you want more.

His hand finds its way between your thighs as his other hand massages your breast. “You’re already so wet for me,” he notices, as his fingers begin to rub your clit.

“You’re the only one who knows how to make me feel good,” you reply, then your breath catches as he pushes your panties to the side and sides a finger inside you.

It’s a beautifully erotic sight, watching yourself in the mirror as Levi pinches your nipple and pumps his finger in and out of you. You can’t help but let out a moan.

“‘Shhh, you don’t want someone to hear, do you?”

“I don’t care. Levi, I need you so badly.”

You turn around to kiss him, taking his jacket off and throwing it on the floor. Almost immediately, he has you pressed against the wall and is lifting your dress up to your waist. He’s unbuttoning his pants as you slide your panties down, but only get so far as taking them off one leg before he lifts that leg up and rubs his cock against you.

Levi has tunnel vision right now; all he can see is your perfect body, all he wants to hear are the moans of his name from your pretty mouth. And that’s exactly what he gets when he thrusts inside you. You bite your bottom lip as he pounds into you again and again. “I thought you didn’t care if someone heard us?”

“I’m trying to be good,” you reply breathlessly.

“Oh I think we’re well past being good.”

He pins your arm over your head as his other hand is still lifting your leg, his fingers digging into the soft flesh of your inner thigh. You kiss and suck on his neck, leaving a small mark.

“Careful there..”

“What? Makeup can cover it up,” you tease seductively, referring to the first time you and Levi made love.

He lets out a soft growl. “Then I suppose now we’re even.” He picks up the pace, watching as your breasts bounce up and down with each hard thrust. You’re driving him wild; every nerve in his body feels completely alive.

“Levi, I’m…”

He knows. He’s feeling it too. He kisses you long and hard, then feels your walls spasm around him. It’s just what he needs to push him over the edge, and as he cums inside you, it’s as if the whole world has stopped; only your uneven breaths mark the time passing.

You continue to spasm around his cock as your mind goes completely blank. You can’t explain it, but Levi elicits the longest, most intense orgasms from you. It’s just how your body reacts to him - you can’t explain it.

He says your name in your ear, his voice deep and raspy. “Will you forgive me? For all the time we wasted apart. I don’t want to do any of this without you.”

“Yes. Yes, I forgive you.” You run your fingers through his silky hair. “I know we can make this work.”

Of course you forgive him. You’d forgiven him the moment you laid eyes on him tonight; maybe even before that.

The bottom of your dress falls back over your legs and Levi gently pulls the straps back up on your shoulders. You are his, and he is yours - it’s always been this way, and now both of you know it. As you fix your hair and touch up your lipstick in the mirror, there’s a commotion in the garden.

“Leeeeeviiiiiiiii! Where are you? We’re getting tattoos!”

He’d know that yell anywhere: it’s Hange.

“Yeah, come on, Levi! We’re all getting tattoos!”

And Zeke is with them.

“Goddammit. Let’s stay here a little longer.”

You laugh. “You should do it…for memories.” You cup his cheek and give him a kiss. “Get it on your ass, so then only I can see it.”

At that, Levi rolls his eyes. “Don’t make this weirder than it already is.”

He takes your hand in his, then meets the screaming duo in the garden. “Ok, fine, let’s do this,” he resigns, as he leads you along to join the group.

“You want me to come too?”

“Of course.” His face is serious, but there’s a joy in his eyes. “I don’t intend on letting you out of my sight.”

“Yes!” Zeke exclaims. “Eren, Levi is in! Let’s go!!”

And so you walk, hand in hand, out of the restaurant to find the others.

——

“There’s no denying that the two of you have an incredible chemistry in the film. Did that come naturally?” the interviewer asks.

“I think I felt that spark between us almost immediately. Wouldn’t you say?” Levi answers.

“Oh yes, absolutely,” you reply fondly.

It’s the week of the Cannes Film Festival and you and Levi are on the interview circuit. After the AoT premiere, you broke up with your boyfriend and stayed with Levi in Tokyo, then went with him to Singapore and Seoul as the cast traveled from city to city. The month flew by and the next thing you knew, you were both traveling to France.

You’re together everywhere, and the paparazzi have quickly deduced that you're an item. It’s been a hot topic of all the celebrity and gossip sites, but neither of you care - a rare occurrence, for Levi especially, who has always valued his privacy intensely.

“And you’re actually a couple in real life, correct?”

“We are.” You answer tentatively. “He tolerates me, anyway.” You make light of it, but answering this question always makes you nervous, since you’re not quite sure how much Levi wants to share.

“More than tolerate,” Levi squeezes your hand, “she’s the best thing that’s ever happened to my life.”

He knew this question would come up, because it always does these days. But he’s realized, he’s not concerned with the gossip or the naysayers; he knows that whatever challenges come your way, the two of you can ride it out.

He believes this will work, because he’s in love with you. And after this interview is over, he’s going to tell you exactly that.

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[sixpennydame]

Summer Promises

A one-shot for the Levi Ackerman x Fem!OC series, North Star

Read on AO3

Word count: 1.7k

Tags: fluff; post-Rumbling world; postwar!Levi feeling the healing power of nature

Author's note: While this one-shot is part of the North Star world, it can still be enjoyed without having read the series.

But the story is best enjoyed while sitting under the trees.

Levi can’t recall ever enjoying summers in Paradis. It had always been unbearably hot and humid; every shred of his uniform sticking to his body making it difficult to move. Not to mention that summer was the busiest time of year for expeditions. Riding for hours in the heat, the only time he felt a cool breeze was when he was flying through the air on ODM gear. The sound of nearby thunder from a summer storm would mingle with the footsteps of titans, and the flowers that dotted the forest ground were often splattered with the blood of his comrades. 

No, he had no good memories of summer. 

He’d arrived in Mursa at the peak of the season and with no knowledge of mountain summers.  But the moment he’d moved into your home he saw how much you treasured it: the fresh flowers neatly displayed on the breakfast table every morning, and the basket of vegetables from the garden under your arm. You opened every window in the house to let a crosswind cool the rooms, the gossamer fabric of the curtain blowing in the wind. 

He started his walk to his job at the stables in the early dawn hours, when the sun had not yet burned off the heavy dew collecting on each leaf and flower, the birds just beginning their songs. He noticed that the air was cool and crisp in the mornings and evenings here, and you’d given him a jacket when you’d seen him bristle at the chill. 

You - 

If people could be seasons then he’d decided you were summer. You were bright and warm, and had a bustling energy about you. He could hear you humming in your garden when you were pulling weeds, humming when you put laundry on the line to dry. Always humming, always singing…

…he didn’t mind it. 

“Come ride with me,” you said one day while visiting the stables. You were brushing your horse, Astrid, and she seemed to snort in approval. “You were saying you need to ride Demon more anyway, right?”

It’s true, he needed to get the stallion out and stretch its legs. 

“Ok, but just for a quick ride. I need to get back and do the rest of today’s chores,” he answered. 

“Pfft, you’ve done most of them already, the rest can wait. Besides, it’s summer!”

(This was something you often said, he’d realized -  when you wanted to sleep in a little longer on the weekends, when you’d eat an extra helping of strawberries with cream, when you’d stay up too late reading a book - as if summer was some magical pass to do things you don’t normally do.)

“He’s fine to leave for a few hours, right Mathieu?”

The old man smiles, the deep wrinkles around his mouth deepening. “Levi works so efficiently, I barely have anything left for him to do today.” He grabs a saddle and gives it to Levi. “Go, enjoy the summer’s day.”

Once both horses are saddled, you and he ride out of the stables and into the meadow. 

“Where to?” he asks, having a feeling you’ve got something in mind. 

“We’re gonna ride up into those mountains a bit.” You point to a mountain range just to the west of the stables. “I have a place to show you that I think you’re gonna love.”

You look at him with a gleam in your eye. “Wanna race to the foot of the mountain?”

He liked this competitive side of you. “You know Demon and I will beat you.”

“Not if I get a head start!” 

A gentle prod to Astrid’s and you’re off in a flash. Levi smirks and pets the side of Demon’s neck.

“Time to show off a little, eh?” Levi clicks his tongue and taps Demon’s sides, just as they’d practiced over the past week. The black stallion snorts, stomping the ground before he starts his cantor. It doesn’t take long before they’re neck-in-neck with you, but he says a command and Demon goes even faster. By the time you and Astrid reach the foot of the mountain, the other two are relaxed, Demon nibbling on some blades of grass.

“What was that about beating me?” Levi smirks.

You roll your eyes before moving past him, starting up a narrow trail that leads into the trees. He follows behind, welcoming the cool shade as you ride further up. There’s a rustling in the bushes and Levi whips his head toward the sound, suddenly on alert. A deer’s head rises, seemingly unbothered by their presence.

Levi sighs. Even after all these years, it’s hard not to think that any movement in a forest is a possible threat. He keeps his eyes on your back as you ascend, the trail too narrow for you to ride side by side. But it’s a well worn trail, Levi notices; whether it was you or someone else that created it, it’s been used often. You don’t speak a word the entire trek until suddenly the ground evens out and you stop.

“Here we are,” you declare in a sing-song voice, “my little hideaway.”

The dense foliage of the pine and elm trees has given way to a small clearing dotted with white and blue flowers, their petals open towards the sun as if greeting its warmth. It was almost perfectly circular, like it was cleared of trees and specifically made. 

“Martin and I would come here when we were kids.” You step into the clearing. “We thought fairies made this place - it’s always felt so magical.”

“Fairies?”

“Magical beings that live in the forest.” Levi looks at you, perplexed. “There aren’t forest spirits where you’re from?”

“Not that I’m aware of. But there were plenty of things that wanted to kill us,” he replies. 

“Fairies can be mischievous, but they’re usually kind and benevolent. Especially if you give them a gift.”

You take out a peach and a small bottle from your saddle bag and place it under a large tree next to the clearing. “They particularly like wine and fruit.”

“Who doesn’t,” Levi says, slightly to mock but he must admit, his interest has peaked. “Now what happens? Do they jump out of the trees or something?”

 “No! That’s silly,” you answer. Your eyes shine as you take his arm and pull him into the center of the clearing. “I know you don’t believe in any of this stuff, but..”

You sit down, pulling him down with you. “...you’ll see, there’s something special about this place.” 

Before Levi can respond, you’re lying down in the grass, your face towards the sky, just like the flowers around you. “Just lay down. Close your eyes. Listen.”

There’s something about the calm and confident way you voice those three commands, and the next thing he knows, he’s lying beside you, his arms crossed against his chest.

One final sigh of resignation, and he closes his eyes. He waits a few seconds, wondering if something will happen, and laughing at himself internally for even entertaining these kinds of foolish thoughts. 

But then his breathing steadies, and he notices that it’s in rhythm with the breeze blowing through the trees around him: an in and out, as if the trees are also breathing. 

He feels a tiny insect - probably an ant - walking across his hand, the tall grass brushing against his body.

He smells the scent of pine in the air, sweet and woody.

He hears the bird song around him - the same melody he hears every day, but now, he notices every note. It’s the most beautiful thing he’s ever heard.

There’s another sound - a voice in the air, but it’s not yours. 

“Rest..” it says..

…

…

Levi opens his eyes to the sound of you humming in the distance. He sits up, blinking a few times to adjust to the changing lighting.

“You felt it, didn’t you?”

You’re picking some flowers next to a tree, twisting their stems into a flower crown.

He rubs the back of his neck before standing up and wipes off the grass from his pants. “How long was I out?”

“Oh, for about an hour. I didn’t want to wake you, you looked so peaceful.” 

Levi walks over to the tree you’re sitting under and leans against the trunk. You look up and smile at him.

“The fairies tend to give us what we need most. Apparently, you needed rest.”

Levi does a mental scan of his body. He does feel rested, more than he has in a long time. His muscles are relaxed, and even his knee isn’t aching as much. He’s never been a superstitious person - he believes what his eyes and other senses tell him - but he has to admit, there is something special about this place.

He wants to ask you what you were given during your time in the clearing, and what you need most. And why you brought him, of all people,here.

Instead, he looks away, his face apathetic. “Yeah, well, an afternoon nap is never a bad idea.” He glances down to see you smiling at him. “What?” he asks defensively.

You smile so sweetly at him, he feels a slight heat to his cheeks. 

“Oh…nothing…nothing,” you reply, standing up as you hold the flower crown. “Thanks for coming with me today.”

“You’re welcome.”

“Would you…come here again with me some time?’

He can feel the blush growing across his face now and he turns away, walking towards Demon, who’s grazing nearby. “Sure.”

“Promise?”

He looks back at you to see that you’ve now put the crown upon your head. The breeze blows some of your hair across your face, and he almost reaches out to push the strands behind your ear, but you beat him to it. Of all people, why would you want to spend time with him? You'd only just met him a little over a month ago. And what is it about you that makes him want to say yes to whatever you ask?

He can’t explain what it is about this place that makes it feel so special. Maybe it’s some natural phenomenon, maybe it is fairies.

Or maybe it’s just you.

He reaches out and straightens the crown on your head.

“I promise.”

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[sixpennydame]

North Star ✶ Chapter 11

A Levi Ackerman x oc slow burn

Previous Chapter | Next Chapter | Series Masterlist | AO3

An opportunity arises, that puts tension between you and Levi.

A/N: I found an amazing, detailed map of Marley on Reddit that has helped me view the geography of Marley and its surrounding locations. If you'd like an idea of where Mursa is, it's in the far SW range of mountains.

“Levi…you’re overthinking it. Let go and trust!”

Mathieu sits in a corner of the training barn and watches as Levi and Demon race around the perimeter. He shifts uncomfortably, attempting to wave his arms, which are still in slings on either side of his chest. 

“Work with Demon, not against him.”

Levi leans in, pulling the right rein just slightly and attempting to give  Demon more control. After finishing a round, he rides toward Mathieu, beads of sweat dotting his forehead despite the cold. He leads Demon to a water trough before getting a drink himself, ignoring the frustrated look on Mathieu’s face.

“You’re still pulling too hard on the reins when you need to make a right turn. I’ve told you to trust Demon to be your sight on your right side.” Mathieu walks toward Demon and attempts to pet him with his bandaged arm. “It’s a partnership, Levi. You can’t be in total control. Give in a little.”

Levi knew this - he’d heard Mathieu yell this at him a hundred times since he’d started training. He knew he needed to trust that Demon knew just the right time to turn, but without his peripheral vision on his right side, he felt too vulnerable. 

Kenny had taught Levi to always be aware of everything going on around him: every sound, smell, and movement could be a possible attack. He’s sure that his keen senses are what kept him alive for much of his life; so of all his injuries, the lack of sight in his eye has been the hardest adjustment to make. Lack of depth perception, difficulty in judging accurate distances and tracking object movement - abilities most people take for granted - were now challenges beyond his control that not even his Ackerman blood could remedy.

He sometimes wondered why he was even attempting this in the first place. 

But then he remembered: it was a challenge. He knew he wasn’t the man he used to be, but riding made him feel alive and caused all his senses to become alert and focused. When everything clicked with him and Demon, it was like being whole again. 

It’s just this damn eye. 

But Levi could adjust - he just needed to focus.

Which meant he needed to think less about you. That was the whole point of moving out of your house anyway.

It wasn’t like you were completely out of his life. You come daily to the stables to brush and ride Astrid, and you’re both amicable to each other, talking about the weather and goings-on in Mursa, as if nothing had happened between the two of you.

But something had happened. Levi couldn’t get it out of his mind.

Did you think about it too?

He checks his watch. A creature of habit, he knew you’d be here at the stables any moment now to check on Astrid and make lunch for them; the latter you’d insisted on doing ever since the accident. Of course, neither of the men would argue with that, although they argued with each other about almost everything else. 

“Ok old man, enough of your badgering,” Levi says, taking Demon’s reins and leading him out of the barn. “I’m working on it.”

”You better work harder. Your first race is only a few months away,” Mathieu yells to Levi’s back.

——- ✶ ——-

You’re learning to live with it, the solemn silence of the mornings without Levi here. That same empty feeling you’d felt in the previous three years, now creeping its way along the floorboards of the house. It’s been a month now since his departure, and looking back on the night he left, and the kiss that had happened hours before, you felt silly for thinking it was anything other than some fantasy. 

Maybe you were meant to be alone, and that was ok. You’d made due before Levi had come into your life and were learning to live with the loneliness. And besides, he was still your friend; that hadn’t changed, thankfully.

But you missed his presence in the house, the conversations shared in the early morning hours when even the sun had not yet risen. It had been mostly you talking, but he was a good listener, someone who looked at you while you were speaking, as if he was weighing every word carefully. On the rare times he did open up, it was like one of those flowers that only blooms every ten years; it felt special and you couldn’t help but listen, enraptured by the stories of his youth and his training for the Survey Corps. You wondered what it must have been like to live the first half of your life underground. And then, to live within the confines of gigantic walls.

When you were young, you often thought of the mountain ranges surrounding Mursa as high, impenetrable walls. You figured most young people felt that way, eager to escape and see more of the world. It was one of the reasons Martin and his younger brother Tomas had joined the military - a bit of freedom and adventure before settling down. But back then, you all knew Tomas would never settle down. He was wild and carefree, an unstoppable force too big for this small town.

Hmmm..

...you hadn’t thought of Tomas in years, not since your return to Mursa after The Rumbling. Although Martin had loved his younger brother with all his heart, they’d never truly gotten along; like two magnets with opposite poles, it was sometimes hard to believe that the two were even related. Tomas had always yearned to travel over the mountains and make his own way in the world, and he had made it clear to everyone that he never planned on returning to Mursa once he left. True to his word, you’ve not heard from him since.

The picture of him and Martin in their Southern Marley military uniforms still stands on the mantle; Martin is smiling, standing proudly in his officer’s uniform, his hand on the shoulder of his brother. Tomas is sitting in a chair, one arm resting on his leg. He’s not smiling, but there’s a fire in his eyes, a look of eagerness. Like so many others around the world, you wonder if he was killed during The Rumbling, or maybe he was living, carefree, in some other part of the world. 

Because he was about the same age as you, everyone had expected you and he to be friends; but throughout the years, Tomas had only ever treated you with indifference, even when you and Martin had married. Although the relationship between the two of you had always been spotty, it would be nice to have family here. Someone who remembers how things used to be, even though those days are long gone.

You walk to your bedroom as your focus changes to the picture of you and Martin on the altar near your bed. Tradition dictates that the altar be taken down after the three years of mourning are over, but in the past month, you just haven’t had the will to put it away. You know Martin has moved on, and you should too, but some things are just hard to let go of.

But there’s a tug at your heart, saying today’s the day.

The silver frame feels heavier than you remember. It had been a wedding gift from Martin’s parents, in a time when silver was a less precious and rare resource. Lilies of the valley had been delicately etched into the surface, with the year of your betrothal engraved at the bottom. You look so young in the photo, even though only a little over 5 years have gone by. You gently wrap the frame in a silk scarf Martin had given you once for your birthday and place it in a small wooden box. 

The other object on the altar is even harder to put away.

In opposition to the frame, the baby booties are soft and feather-light. You remember sitting in the chair in the corner, easily crocheting them in a day, but being so proud of yourself because they’d been the first thing you’d made for the baby. Other things had come after that: a blanket,  a few tiny cardigans and even tinier bonnets. In a fit of grief, you’d burned those things after returning to Mursa three years ago, along with the other things you and Martin had bought for the nursery. It was just too painful to look at.

Looking at the tiny white booties, you regret doing that now.

You place them next to the frame and close the box, then place it in a corner of your closet. In the spring, you’ll bury it next to the large oak tree in the backyard, the one that Martin would always take naps under as a boy, and where you and he would steal kisses behind in your teenage years. Closing your eyes, you can see him now, sleeping under the tree in the heat of midsummer, your child laying on his chest. Peaceful. Content.

The clock chiming for the hour breaks you from your dream. “I need to get to Mathieu’s,” you say to yourself, putting on your warm winter layers before heading out the door and down the road to the stables.

——- ✶ ——-

“Stop pulling on my coat, you silly girl! I need to brush you, and then we’ll go out and stretch your legs.”

Levi smiles when he hears you talking to Astrid. Your voice always goes up just a tad whenever you talk to animals and little kids. With anyone else, he’d think it annoying, but with you, he finds it endearing. The smile on his face is gone by the time he walks past you.

“Astrid’s been a stubborn little shit lately,” he says as he takes the saddle off Demon. “She probably just wants to see you more.”

(He just wants to see you more.)

“I’m already over here for practically half of the morning every day. Maybe you just need to give her more attention.”

”Astrid could care less about me.”

”Awww, did she reject your charms, Levi?” 

Your laugh reverberates through the stable and causes his mouth to turn upward just a bit. He loves this playful side of you. He’d almost think it flirting if he didn’t know that he’d ruined any of those chances. 

He knows he hurt you that night, when he told you the kiss was a mistake. It was written all over your face: the confusion, the rejection. You had smiled, thinking he wouldn’t notice, but you wear your heart on your sleeve.

A heart that Levi isn’t worthy enough to handle. 

Your eyes shine at him as you give him a wink and a smile, before you continue to brush Astrid. 

This is fine. This is enough for him.

”There’s my favorite girl,” Mathieu exclaims, standing at the entrance of the stables before walking towards you. “The best part of the day is when you arrive here. I’m not sure how much longer I could endure Levi’s sullen looks this morning.” Looking over at Levi, he smirks. “But it seems that your arrival has changed his mood too.”

Levi stiffens while a slight blush washes over his cheeks. He doesn’t look at you, but he can feel your eyes on him. 

“Get inside before you freeze, you old geezer,” Levi replies as he unsaddles Demon. “I’m going to exercise a few of the other horses before lunch.”

“I’ll help him out with that,” you add

“Of course you will,” Mathieu says, a teasing lilt in his voice. “I’ll leave you both to it then.”

“You don’t mind if I join you?” you ask, eyes on him again. 

“Do what you like. They’re not my horses,” his voice as apathetic as he can muster, in hopes it won’t reveal that he loves it when you ride with him. 

He’s realized that in the last month, it’s practically impossible for him to push you completely out of his orbit. 

The two of you ride into the training arena, you on Astrid, and Levi on a young mare he’s been working on saddle training. He can feel a curious aura around you, a question right on the tip of your tongue.

At the end of the hour, it finally comes out.

“Levi, what’s the rest of the world like now? After The Rumbling?”

He forgot that you’ve only left Mursa once in the past three years. But why the sudden interest?

“To be honest, most of it’s in chaos right now. Practically the entire continent of Marley was decimated in The Rumbling, and the loss of such a world power has put every other nation at a stand-still. Even now, there are refugee camps everywhere as entire communities try to rebuild.”

Levi’s face darkens.  “And while nations are either rebuilding or fighting for control, Paradis is building its arsenal, just biding its time to see what kind of world is going to come out of all this.” 

“Some of your former comrades are going to Paradis soon as peace emissaries, right?”

“As if that’s going to make any difference, after all this.” He looks away. “Fucking idiots.”

“You didn’t want to go with them?”

“To do what? Kiss Eldian asses and beg them to be nice?” Levi clicks his tongue. “I’m a soldier, not a politician.”

“You still see yourself as a soldier?”

Levi looks up at you. He didn’t even realize he’d said that.

“No, of course not.”

“Then how do you see yourself?”

That’s something he’s asked himself time and time again. Honestly, he doesn’t know who he is anymore. His entire meaning, his purpose, had been in service to and for others, but now they were all gone, including the world he’d fought so hard to save. It was like learning to be a new person.

He’d spent the years following The Rumbling in that pursuit: joining Onyakopon and the others in rebuilding the world, hoping to find that meaning he’d lost. But through it all, this lingering emptiness followed him. His life in Mursa was supposed to be a reset, a chance for him to rediscover himself without the shadow of war and death.

So why did he feel just as lost as ever?

It embarrasses him that he can’t answer you, and so he deflects. “Tch, what’s with all the damn questions today?” 

“Well, before  Annika returns to Mursa this spring, she wrote to me and said that she and some other doctors are working with an organization to help set up a clinic at the Pulsella Refugee Camp.”

”She would do something that idiotic. Does she realize how incredibly dangerous it is there? That part of Marley is still a steaming pile of shit. It’s overrun with bands of warring gangs.”

“You’ve been there?”

“I haven’t, but I’ve been to plenty other camps that were the same. We did what we could, but not even the Marley military - what’s left of it - will touch that place.”

Your brows are knit in contemplation. “So that’s what’s happening beyond these mountains.”

“A lot of turmoil and strife. You’re lucky to live in a place like this.”

“I suppose I am.” You pull on Astrid’s reins, leading her out of the arena. “I should go get lunch ready.”

Something’s shifted in you, but Levi can’t quite put a finger on what that might be. It sends a pang of worry and uneasiness through his mind.

It seems that pushing his feelings down for you is going to be harder than he thought.

——- ✶ ——-

A few days pass before you return to the stables. Levi figured you had other things to do, but it didn’t stop him looking over the horizon every morning, expecting to see your figure walking in the slushy snow. It’s been unseasonably warm the past few weeks; he’d been told to expect snow well into mid-spring, but nothing about the world has been normal since The Rumbling, not even the weather. It’s beyond Levi’s level of understanding, but a scientist had explained to him that it had something to do with the months it took for the millions of steaming titan bodies to decompose, as well as the environments those same titans had destroyed. 

His muscles ache as he breaks up some ice that had accumulated at the entrance of Mathieu’s home, the sound of the shovel scraping against the ground only interrupted when he hears footsteps behind him.

“Warm today. Spring will be here before we know it,” you say.

”Not nearly soon enough. I’ve about had it with snow.” He stops and leans his body on the shovel, relieving some pressure on his leg. “Haven’t seen you in a while.”

“Yeah. I’ve been busy.”

You don’t elaborate, and Levi doesn’t ask what you mean. You’re standing next to him but he feels a great distance between you both, something he hasn’t felt since becoming friends with you. 

But this was the whole point of his moving away. This is what he wanted.

Right?

Your silence continues as you saddle Astrid, choosing to ride outside by yourself instead of with Levi. There’s no questions today. No asking him about his knee or how Mathieu is doing. 

Something is up. And as much as Levi wants to ask you what’s going on, he knows it’s not his place. He shouldn’t pry into your life.

Mathieu, however, has no boundaries, and when you finally all sit down to lunch, he asks, “Is there something wrong, Catherine? You’re quiet today.”

You shift in your chair and wipe your lips with your napkin. “No, nothing’s wrong. But I do have some news.”

At that, both men lean forward. “Annika has asked me to help her pack up her things before her move back to Mursa this spring.” You pause, sitting up straighter. “She also invited me to accompany her to her last assignment with her hospital: to set up and build a clinic at the Pulsella Refugee Camp in the Eastern Marley Territories. You stand up and take the plates from the table. “I’ll be gone for a month or two.”

“Why?” Levi’s voice is cold and direct.

”What do you mean, why? I want to help Annika.”

”With moving, ok yes, I get that. But going to Pulsella? I told you it’s a lawless wasteland there. What can you do?”

”I guess…I just want to try and make a difference, in whatever way I can. Annika said they could use volunteers to make food, distribute aid kits, and build more permanent shelters. I think I can help.”

”How? By getting yourself killed? Some help that’ll be..”

”Levi…” Mathieu says, putting a hand on his arm.

You turn your back to both of the men, walking to the kitchen with the plates. “I knew it. I knew you wouldn’t understand. I didn’t even want to tell you.”

Levi is quick to follow you. “I don’t think you understand. That place is beyond dangerous, Catherine. The people are desperate there.

”All the more reason why people who care should go help those who have nowhere else to go.” You start roughly washing the dishes. “I’m tired of just living here while others are suffering. It doesn’t feel right.”

There’s an intense silence as you roughly rinse the plates. Levi knows he should say something, tell you that he’s worried and he just doesn’t want anything to happen to you. But to say all that would be to admit that he still cares for you deeply. 

The whole problem would be solved if he just went with you, but he knows he can’t. He promised he’d stay and help Mathieu, and the old man had already put time and money into training him for this damn race. He can’t back down from his commitment.

And he knows the kind of hard work in store there; hard labor that his body can no longer accomplish. Even if he managed to go along and there was an altercation, he’s not sure he could fully protect you in a fight. Feelings of uselessness bubble up inside him.

He opens his mouth to speak, but you suddenly put down a plate and face him, cutting off his train of thought.

”And frankly, Levi, I don’t understand you. First, you told me I was strong and to rely on my friends. Now I’m trying to use my strength and be useful, but you’re against it. The way you talk to me makes me feel like you see me as some helpless, frail woman, when I’m anything but. Or maybe I am, I don’t know.”

You bite your bottom lip. Levi’s noticed that you get emotional when you’re angry. You’re probably trying to hold back tears, in an effort to look strong in front of him.

”I don’t really know who I am. But I’ve done hard things before and I can do it again.”

”Yeah, but this time I won’t be there to save you.”

He didn’t want to have to spell it out for you to make you understand.

But his words don’t have the effect he was expecting. Levi sees your body tense as you furrow your brow. 

“I’m thankful for what you did for me on Mount Aspe, I really am. But don’t hold it over me like some kind of trump card anytime you want to boss me around. I didn’t ask you to save me then and I’m certainly not asking for your opinion now.”

“You’re not listening, Catherine.” He could feel his patience wearing thin.

“Oh, I hear you loud and clear, Levi. You think I need a man to look after me. Well, if it makes you feel better, I’m sure there’ll be lots of young, strong men there that will be more than happy to assist me with whatever I need.” Your voice drips with resentment. 

So that’s how you see him, as some weak, old piece of shit. You probably judge him for escaping the outside world and coming here. His fists clench and he feels defensive for the first time in ages.

“Oh yeah? I didn’t know you were that lonely and desperate for a man that you’d do something this stupid.” 

Shit.

He went too far. He knew it instantly when he saw the look of hurt on your face, tears forming in the corners of your eyes before you blink them away. Your jaw tenses, and something changes in the way you look at him.

”Fuck you, Levi.”

It’s not the first time those three words have been directed toward him, but hearing them come from your mouth, it makes him visibly wince.

You bolt out of the kitchen and head straight for the door.

“I leave in two days, so I need to get packing. Mathieu, Luka will come by with my stable rent payments and to ride Astrid.”

The door slams and then there’s silence. Levi can feel Mathieu scowling at him. 

“What?”

Mathieu rises from his seat and shakes his head. “You can be a real asshole sometimes, you know that?”

——- ✶ ——-

“Asshole,” you mutter under your breath as you trudge through the snow. 

You had a feeling  Levi would react negatively when you told him your plans; it’s why you hesitated saying anything until the last minute. You knew he’d doubt your strength and question the reasoning behind your motives.

But calling you lonely and desperate…that went over the line. It was a deliberate jab.

And it infuriates you even more to admit that he’s right, to some extent. You are lonely. You do want to feel the touch of a man again, to feel wanted and desired.

But that’s not why you’re going to Pulsella. He knows that. He’s just miserable about life and wants everyone else to feel that way. You wonder now what you ever liked about him in the first place.

You’re glad he moved out. The less you see of him the better.

You slam the door and stomp through the living room, startling Max and Albert. 

“Whoa. Everything ok?” Max asks.

”It’s fine,” you reply sharply. “Max, can you take me to the train station in two days?”

”Sure…I just figured Levi would take you..” he answers, each word coming out in hesitance.

”Why would you think that? He doesn’t live here anymore.”

Max scratches his head nervously. “I don’t know..I guess I thought the two of you were…“ you send him a questioning look, “...good friends.”

“Humph,” you scoff, “that man doesn’t want to have any friends.”

Needing to clear your head, you head straight to the kitchen. “I’m gonna bake something.”

But as your hands knead through the dough, you feel the embers of your temper fading. Placing the two loaves of quick bread in the oven, your mind feels even clearer. What Levi had said was hurtful, but maybe you’d been hard on him too. You’d assumed he didn’t trust in you, when maybe he was just worried about you. 

He’d told you he cared for you once. Perhaps that was just his really bad way of showing that. 

You expect him to walk through the door that night, admit his feelings, and apologize for being an ass. It wouldn’t be the first time he’s had to do that.

But he doesn’t come that evening, or the evening after. Your last night at home, you stop looking for him.

Perhaps it’s time you stopped expecting things from Levi that will never be.

——- ✶ ——-

Max stops the wagon in front of the train station. “You be careful out there, Catherine. I promise I’ll keep the guys in line.”

“I’m more worried about who’s gonna keep you in line.” You give Max a quick hug. “I’ll see you in a couple of months. Don’t burn the house down.”

You buy your ticket and walk to the platform, but before you can make it to the train you stop.

Levi stands there, hands in pockets, leaning against a pillar. 

“What are you doing here?” you ask, knowing you can’t just ignore him.

“I had to come into town anyway to run errands for the old man.” His foot kicks a clump of dirt away from your luggage. “I figured I might as well see you off.” He reaches down to grab the handle. “Let me get that.”

Your hand quickly pulls it away. “I can carry it just fine, thanks.”

Levi walks with you silently until you reach the entrance of your train car. You’re not sure which is worse: his awkward silence or his crude remarks. Not wanting to experience either anymore, you decide to end…whatever this is that’s happening.

“Well, I’ll see you in two months. Take care.”

“Wait.”

Levi pulls out a slender knife from his pocket and places it in your hand. “For protection.”

You look down at the wooden handle. “A knife? I don’t need this.”

“It’s a switchblade, and you do need it.” He moves closer to you and puts his hand on yours, guiding your finger to a metal knob on the wooden handle. “This is the safety. You slide this to lock and unlock the knife.”

He then guides you to another button. “Just press this button and the blade pops out.” It opens with a click. “Press down this tab to slide it back into the handle.”

You haven’t felt Levi’s touch since that New Year’s morning and it makes your heart race. His hand lingers on yours, encouraging your fingers to curl around the now warm handle. 

“Just take it. Please.”

Although his lips don’t say, “I’m sorry,” you know him well enough to know that this is his way of apologizing, and to show that he trusts you.

You pull your hand away from his and put it in your pocket, your way of saying that you accept his apology.

“If you’re being attacked, don’t hesitate for a moment to use it. Seconds count in those kinds of situations.”

“I’ll be careful.” You want to say more, but the conductor is yelling for all to board, and passengers begin to push by.

“Just come back safe.” Levi moves away from you slowly. “And bring back that knife. I’ve had it a long time.”

You smile, then board the train. As you find your seat and look out the window, you notice that Levi stays on the platform until the train slowly accelerates out of the station.

——- ✶ ——-

The three day train ride reminded you how big Marley was, and it was hard to believe most of it had been decimated. Trains would only take you so far, however, and Annika said she and her friend would pick you up at the final train station and drive you the rest of the way to Pulsella.

True to her word, Annika stands next to an automobile with a tall man. 

He shakes your hand and gives you a warm smile. 

“So nice to finally meet you, Catherine. I've heard so much about you.”

“I’m Onyankopon.”

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[sixpennydame]

North Star ✶ Chapter 10

A Levi Ackerman x oc slow burn

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Just one kiss, can change everything between you and Levi.

My dearest Martin,

Remember when we were small, and I’d follow you around everywhere? I used to trail behind you like a lost puppy, but you never scolded me. You’d just smile, take my hand, and lead me to wherever you were going. 

Throughout my whole life, whenever I reached out my hand, you were there. 

These past three years, I wondered how I could go on without you, knowing that when I reached out, you wouldn’t be there. The world felt colder, and I felt so alone.

But you told me I have more to do, more life to live, so I’m going to do that. This past year, I’ve learned that I’m not alone and that I’m stronger than I thought. 

Thank you for always having faith in me, when I didn’t have faith in myself. 

I’ll see you again, in another time, another place.

Love, 

Catherine

——- ✶ ——-

Your hand was warm in his, your lips even warmer as you kissed one cheek, then the other. Levi thought his heart would jump out of his chest, it was pounding so furiously. He’d looked at your face hundreds of times in the last several months, but right now, with the light of the early dawn on your face, he thought it was the most beautiful he’d ever seen you. His eyes glance down at your lips - he wants to feel them on his skin again, he yearns for it. 

You don’t move. He doesn’t either. The most he can manage is a light caress of your face, but it’s not enough. There’s an energy between your two bodies, urging him to move closer, to press his lips against yours.

All he has to do is move.

His head inches forward. First, a brush of his nose against yours, but then he tilts slightly and he’s kissing you like you are the most delicate porcelain. 

And you don’t back away, you simply lean in, your other hand moving up to press lightly against his chest. His free hand moves to your waist; he wants so badly to pull you against him, to kiss every inch of you.

When your lips finally separate, he doesn’t know if seconds or minutes have passed. 

It’s the sharp pain shooting through his knee that pulls him back to reality. He blinks once, then twice, and sees you there, in front of him, your eyes flitting open. 

What have I done?

“Levi..” Your voice is soft. Sweet. But the way his name hangs in the air, he’s not sure if it’s a blessing or a curse.

Say something, you idiot.

His head is spinning, his heart pumping. He needs to take a step back and reevaluate what is happening here. Afraid of what you might say next, he speaks.

“I…”

I think I’m in love with you.

I have never felt this way before.

I need to know if you feel the same way.

“...I should go check on the horses. Who knows if Mathieu is even sober enough to do it.” He backs away from you. “And you should get some rest.”

He walks to the washroom and while splashing his face with cold water, he hears the door to your room click shut. Maybe it’s the cold, but his knee has been bothering him more lately; it probably didn’t help that he was on his feet practically all night. Wiping his face with a towel, he looks at himself in the mirror; the deep scars running down his cheek, his useless and clouded eye. And then there are the scars not visible on the surface, the feelings of loss and pain. His body and heart have paid the price for his sacrifice, broken in so many ways beyond repair.

He touches the jagged, uneven scar on his lips and wonders why you’d returned his kiss. Maybe you felt sorry for him. Maybe you saw it as an obligation, after all he’s done.

Because really, who would want someone so broken?

——- ✶ ——-

Your lips are still warm and tingly from the kiss as you fall onto your bed, your mind ablaze with thoughts that you know will make it impossible to go to sleep. There’s a door in your room that leads to the washroom and you can hear him there, just on the other side of the wall. 

What would happen if you just opened it and told him how you felt? That slowly throughout the months, your feelings of friendship have turned into something more. Something that you haven’t felt in years, and you can’t imagine feeling with anyone else but him. 

Is this love?

It’s a strange sensation, opening your heart to another; there’s a tinge of guilt there as you think of Martin. He told you to love again, but this…

…is that what this is?

It’s almost too terrifying to think about. Martin was the first and only person you’d ever loved, and it had never even crossed your mind that you could care for someone else to the same degree, much less fall in love again.

You laugh. Listen to yourself - it was just an innocent kiss, probably nothing more.

But oh, how wonderful it was. Slow and soft, and when his hand went to your waist you’d wanted him to pull you in tighter. You’d leaned in, lips slightly parted, inviting his tongue to mingle with yours. Why did he pull away? And if he hadn’t, what might have happened next?

A heavy sigh escapes your mouth. You feel like a schoolgirl again with a first crush. Everything feels newer, brighter.

There’s a shuffling and then you hear the door open and close, his footsteps echoing down the hallway as he walks to his bedroom. There’s still time to tell him how you feel.

Your feet pad silently down the hallway as you stand in front of his bedroom door. You take a deep breath and just as you raise your fist to knock - 

– There’s a loud, abrupt pounding on the front door.

You rush to the door and Annika stands before you, hair disheveled and makeup smudged from a night of holiday revelry. But you can tell from the look in her eyes that she’s not here to drunkenly wish a Happy New Year.

“Annika, is something the matter?”

“Is Levi here?” 

Levi joins the two of you in the entryway, limping slightly. You both look down to see that he’s wearing a brace of some kind around his knee. The thick material wraps around his leg, held together by leather laces. 

Annika frowns. “What’s going on there?”

“An old war injury. When it gets bad, I put this on.”

“You should let me check it.” Annika moves towards him curiously.

“No thanks,” he counters, then rushes to take the focus off of him. “What did you need me for?”

Annika’s face turns from curiosity over Levi’s leg to worry.

“It’s Mathieu.”

——- ✶ ——-

“Dumbass…” Levi says, arms crossed.

Looking down at Mathieu, sprawled out on a sofa in Annika’s family home, you’re prone to agree with Levi. “How exactly did this happen?”

“Well, Oleg said he could race me down to the town square. Perhaps I’d had too much to drink…I slipped and fell forward…”

He lifts up his two bandaged arms, both in makeshift slings.

“...and he broke both of his elbows,” Annika cuts in. “He’ll be unable to use his arms for at least six weeks.”

Levi pinches the bridge of his nose. “Six weeks…I suppose that puts me in charge of the stables for the time being.”

“Or longer,” Annika interjects again. “It really depends on how quickly he heals. And he’ll need help with other things, like getting dressed, cooking..” she looks away to keep from laughing at the whole ridiculous situation, “...relieving himself.”

Mathieu has no immediate family, no next of kin, no one to help him through this time. But Mursa’s a tight-knit community and people look out for each other; you’d be happy to help him out.

“Why don’t you come live at my place for a while?” you ask. “I have an extra room, and then I can help with whatever you need.”

“And leave the stables? The horses? My home?” Mathieu’s face becomes defiant; you imagine he’d cross his arms in frustration, if he could.

Annika rolls her eyes. “Don’t be so stubborn. You can’t be by yourself.”

“I’ll look after him,” Levi says as he helps Mathieu off the sofa. “Let’s just get you back to your place and we can figure the rest out.”

It’s a realization that you’ve slowly come to these past few months: that beneath his harsh words and intense scowls, Levi is incredibly caring. It’s not necessarily something he tries to hide, but it’s also not apparent to all. It’s a special part of his character that you really love about him.

Love…that word is becoming easily relatable to Levi these days.

“I can come and help out too.” You get on the other side of Mathieu.

“I’m perfectly capable of walking, thank you very much,” he huffs, shaking you both off of him. A bit of a loner, Mathieu’s a man who’s prided himself on his strength and independence. A bit headstrong too. You wonder if that’s why he had Annika bring Levi over. The two men are truly one of a kind.

Mathieu looks at the brace on Levi’s leg and his heavy limp. “Look at us – like the blind leading the blind.” He laughs.

“Don’t test me, old man,” Levi warns, “you don’t need any more broken bones.”

 ——- ✶ ——-

By the time you and Levi get Mathieu back to his home, the morning sun had moved over the mountains and was now shining brightly over the valley. The old, creaky home is cold and quiet, and you get a fire going while Levi helps the old man out of his clothes.

“Oi, did you bathe in alcohol all night? You reek.” You can hear Levi’s voice from down the hall.

“I guess you’re gonna have to help me bathe then, Nurse Levi.” Mathieu cackles.

It makes you laugh too, listening to them bicker. “You two argue like an old married couple,” you yell their way.

“Ow! Be gentle!” Mathieu whines. “Married? If this is your tender touch, Levi, then I pity any woman you ever marry.”

You’ve felt Levi’s touch, and it is tender. You can still feel his calloused fingers running across your jaw, lifting your lips to his. You wonder what it would feel like for him to take your clothes off, to run his hands over your body as you lay in a bathtub.  

“Just stop talking and get in the damn bathtub! Keep your arms above the water!” Levi’s tone is strict, but you can hear the care in his voice, as if he’s reprimanding a child.

Even his stern voice is turning you on right now.

Catherine, pull yourself together!

It seems that one little kiss has set your mind and heart ablaze. You wonder if Levi feels the same.

There’s no knowing until you get a free moment to talk to him.

You busy yourself with making breakfast while Levi bathes Matheiu and helps him get dressed, desperate to do anything to get your mind off the kiss. Yet, as the three of you eat, Levi barely looks at you. In fact, he’s barely acknowledged you at all this whole morning. 

Once Matheiu is in his bed, Levi helps you with washing dishes, still in awkward silence.

“I better get out to the stables. There’s lots to do now,” he says on his way out of the kitchen.

“Let me help you.”

“No. I don’t want you exhausting yourself. You’ve worked too hard to recover this past week, and I don’t want you getting sick again. Go get some rest.”

There’s that stern but caring voice, now directed at you. You know there’s no arguing with him once he has that tone.

“Alright, but can we talk later?” You attempt to keep your voice cool and neutral, but there’s no hiding the expectation in your eyes.

He looks over his shoulder at you. “Sure. Later,” then turns to leave.

 ——- ✶ ——-

Levi knows exactly what you want to talk about. He could see it in your eyes all morning. But these romantic feelings - the whole situation - is such foreign territory to him. Not that he hadn’t had experiences with women before; there’d been stolen kisses in dark alleys in The Underground, and desperate make-out sessions before a mission, just to feel alive. But this was different with you. It was the first time in his life that he wanted more. 

He hadn’t thought any of this through clearly yet; kissing you wasn’t exactly in the plans, and yet..

And yet, it had felt so right at the time, he can’t deny that. 

It also felt selfish. He doesn’t deserve you. 

You deserve someone who can make you truly happy, who can protect and take care of you. At his age and with his injuries, it’s more likely that you’d be taking care of him. 

The pain shooting through his leg reminds him of his inadequacies as he puts clean hay in the horses’ troughs. It’s a constant reminder of the strength he once had, now long gone. 

And he’s made peace with that. He knows he’s not Humanity’s Strongest anymore - he doesn’t want to be. But who is he now? And when you look at him, what do you see?

Probably just some pathetic, old soldier, he thinks. And you’re so beautiful, and young, with so much more life to live. 

Demon whinnies at Levi, breaking him away from his thoughts. “Feeling restless too, are you?” he asks, petting Demon along the bridge of his nose. “What do you say we burn some frustrated energy in the indoor arena?”

Levi harnesses Demon and gets on his back, careful not to put too much pressure on his knee. He can feel Demon’s need to zip through the snow and across the frozen meadow, but his firm grip on the reins keeps the spirited stallion in control. 

The indoor arena wasn’t far from the stables and was a considerable size - perfect for keeping the horses healthy and energized during the long, snowy winter. Mathieu was once one of the best racehorse breeders and trainers in Southern Marley, as he often bragged to Levi, and it was his dream to have his sons take over the business someday. But when his sons were conscripted in the Marleyan army to fight in one of the many battles against the Mid-East Allied Forces years ago, they never returned. Still, he kept the training facilities clean and ready, as if he was prepared for them to return at any moment. 

That refusal to let his grief overtake him, even in the most difficult of circumstances, was something Levi respected in Mathieu.

He and Demon start at a slow walk, working in and around some barrels placed in various parts of the barn. They weave in and out, Demon snorting impatiently.

“I know, but let’s get warmed up first.” Levi says to Demon as they go into a trot, then finally, a canter. 

The arena is big enough for Levi to run Demon at a full gallop, and soon they’re racing around the perimeter. The cold air whips at Levi’s face, waking him up and making him more alert. He empties his mind and lets his body work with Demon’s; he’s ridden him long enough that it seems they both read each other’s minds, each muscle twitch a tell-tale sign of what the other is thinking. 

Riding horses is one of the few times Levi feels whole again, the adrenaline coursing through his body as he works purely on instinct with the animal. If he closed his eyes, he could almost feel like he’s flying through the air with ODM gear again.

Energy sufficiently spent, Demon slows to a prance as horse and rider return to the stable. The other horses neigh, anxious for their turn. “Ok, ok, you’ll all get a chance,” Levi concedes, unsaddling Demon.

When Levi returns to the house, he finds Mathieu up and sitting in front of the large picture window overlooking the stables. “You should be resting, old man.”

“This is resting, and it is driving me crazy,” Mathieu whines. “It’s gonna be a long two months.

“For you and me both.” Levi warms his hands by the fire, the flames’ illumination showing a deep contentment on his face.

“You didn’t have to ride every horse today, you know,” Mathieu says.

“I know that. But I enjoyed it, and they all needed to stretch their legs.”

“Speaking of legs…” Mathieur looks at the brace on Levi’s knee, “...you gonna be ok?”

“I’m fine. Or as fine as I’m ever gonna be.”

“And you can ride with that brace on?”

“Yeah, it’s not too big a deal. And it’s not like I need it all the time.”

Suddenly there’s a spark in Mathieu’s eyes. He leans forward. “Have you given any more thought to letting me train you and Demon for racing?” Levi is silent, contemplative. “I’ll make a deal with you: I’m obviously going to need someone here with me ‘round the clock while I’m,” he looks down at his arms, “incapacitated. If you’ll stay here and help me out, I’ll provide you a room, training, and even sponsor and pay for your first race.” Levi still doesn’t say a word, just crosses his arms and looks at the man across from him. “Come on…that’s a pretty good deal,” Mathieu smiles, “and I know how much you love riding.”

The fire crackles as Levi thinks on it. Mathieu does need constant care right now and he would be here practically all the time anyway. But to be away from you..

Maybe that’s what’s needed right now, though; some time for him to step away and let things cool off. Without him constantly there and bothering you, you’ll see that the kiss was all a mistake, if you didn’t see it that way already. After the rescue on the mountain and all that time spent together, of course feelings of friendship and romance would get misplaced. What you and he need is some space; it’s the best thing for both of you.

The best thing for you.

“Well,” Mathieu smirks, “what do ya say?”

 ——- ✶ ——-

When you arrived back home from Mathieu’s, you immediately dove onto your bed and fell asleep. It was one of those deep sleeps where, upon waking, it feels as if days, maybe weeks have gone by. It takes a few moments for you to remember where you are and what time it is. Only until you turn your head and see the picture of you and Martin next to your bed do you remember you’re back at home. For over three years, the photo of you and he on your wedding day has stood vigil on the altar next to your bed. Looking at the two smiling faces, your heart warms. 

…you should allow yourself to feel love again. Martin had told you on that mountain top. Did he really mean it?

 Love makes this whole world worth it.” 

“He’s nice, Martin. A little rough around the edges, but I think you’d really like him.”

There’s that guilt again, rearing its ugly head. Guilt that you’re moving on, that you’re finding happiness without him.

“But it’s just a crush. I’m not looking to fall in love,” you say out loud, less to Martin and more to yourself.

Because surely, this isn’t love.

It’s the rumbling of your stomach that finally gets you out of bed. The days are slowly getting longer but the winter sun has already started to set, making you realize that you need to start on dinner before Max, Albert, and Luka return. 

You’d just started on a potato soup when you hear the door open and the voices of the three young men filling the empty space around you. Although you had loved the time with only Levi, you’d missed their energy and smiling faces.

”Happy New Year!” Albert says gleefully, barreling into the kitchen and giving you a big hug. 

“And to you all as well!” you answer back as you give them each a light hug and kiss on the cheek. “It was so quiet here without you.”

“I’m sure it was. I doubt all that alone time with Levi was very exciting. Did he even come out of his room?” Max asks, a hint of jealousy in his voice.

”I had a wonderful time with Levi. He..”

He kissed me. It was amazing. You want to cry out from the rooftops. 

“He helped me clean and accompanied me to some New Year’s Eve parties. It was fun.”

The heat of your blushing cheeks makes you turn your back to the three. “But other than that it was a quiet week.” You busy your hands with cutting potatoes and carrots. “Enough about me. I want to hear all about your time back home.”

While you cook, they tell you stories of their towns and neighborhoods: the friends they saw and their family traditions. Their tales continue as you eat, and you listen intently, but all the while noting that Levi hasn’t yet returned home.

It’s late into the evening when you finally hear the doorknob to the front door turn. You’re reading in the sitting room and listening to music on the gramophone with the others as he enters, giving a nod when everyone wishes him a Happy New Year.

“I hear you’re taking care of Old Man Mathieu for a few weeks,” Max says.

”Yeah. It’s not like he has anyone else.”

”He has all of us,” you remind him. “I can go over with you every morning and help out.”

”About that,” Levi says, shifting his weight off of his knee and running his hand through his hair. “I’ve decided I’m going to live at Mathieu’s for the time being. At least until he recovers.” The record has stopped playing and it’s suddenly become quiet in the room. “If I’m having to work double time at the stables, I might as well just stay there and help him with other things too. I mean, the man can’t even shit by himself.”

“Oh..” the word escapes your mouth before you know it. Did Levi notice how sad it sounded? 

You reprimand yourself for your reaction. Mathieu needs help, and Levi is willing to do that. It’s admirable. “That’s good of you to do that, Levi. Of course, it’s the right thing to do.”

“Well then, I should pack a few things and get back over there.” He nods again and walks to his room.

You wait expectantly for an invitation to join him. You’ve been imagining the conversation all evening:

“Catherine, can we talk in my room? Privately?”

The three younger men look at each other, before Albert speaks up. “We should probably be getting to bed anyway.” 

You follow Levi to his room, your heart thumping loudly. As you stand in the doorway, he closes the door, brushing so close to you that you can feel his breath move across your neck. He stands to face you.

“I’ve wanted to talk to you…about this morning,” you say.

“We don’t need to talk about it,” he’d reply, wrapping his arm around your waist and pulling you close to him. He kisses you again, this time, fully and confidently.

Perhaps you don’t even make it to your room that night.

It gives you butterflies just thinking about it. But as minutes pass, you realize that he’s not going to call for you. The minutes inch by, until Albert, Max, and Luka say their good nights and retire to their rooms. Only then do you decide to take the initiative. You can’t keep wondering any longer.

You walk over to his door and knock. “Levi, can I come in?”

He opens the door and gestures for you to enter. You do so, nervously. 

You wait, but he continues to pack his bag.

Time to be brave, Catherine. 

“Levi, I want to talk about…” your hands are sweaty and clutched at your sides as you take a quick breath, “...about this morning.”

“Right…” Levi takes his own breath. 

You can do this. You can tell him how you feel!

He stops packing to look at you. “There’s no need to talk about it.”

Your heart is beating fast, wanting him to move closer, to touch you.

“It was a mistake,” he says, bluntly.

Levi isn’t one to mince words; he gets to the point, you know that. But the way he says it - so coldly, it makes your stomach drop.

And all that excitement, that expectation, comes crumbling down around you.

“You’re my friend, Catherine. Nothing more. That kiss…was a lapse in judgment.” He looks away. “I’m sorry if I made you think otherwise.”

A mistake. A lapse in judgment. The words cut like a knife.

“Right,” you finally reply, after a few stunned, silent moments. “Right…a mistake. It absolutely was.” 

A part of you actually believes that. The other part, however…

You mask your feelings with a smile. “There’s no harm done, Levi. We’re still friends.” You pat his arm, lingering there just a little bit before pulling back. Everything feels awkward now. “Let’s just pretend like it never happened.”

There’s no point in telling him how you feel now; he’s made his feelings known loud and clear, and you’d obviously read everything wrong. What a fool you’ve been.

He looks into your eyes again, as if he’s trying to read what you’re really saying, how you really feel. “Right.” His own eyes soften, and it looks as if he’s going to say something, but stops himself. “I should get back over there,” he finally says, “Mathieu can barely wipe his own ass now without my help.”

You stifle a breathy laugh. “You probably should.”

The two of you walk to the door and Levi hauls his bag over his shoulder. “I’ll come by later for the rest of my things. You can rent out my room during that time, if you need to.”

You clutch at the sweater over your shoulders as he opens the door. The outside air suddenly feels colder, crueler.

“That’s your room, Levi. It’ll be waiting for you to return.” You search his face for some kind of reaction, but it’s only cold indifference. “You are coming back, right?”

“Yeah. Of course,” he answers, but there’s a tone that makes you feel like he’s unsure. 

Everything feels so unsure now.

“Goodnight, Catherine.” He walks into the darkness of the snowy night, leaving you standing in the doorway.

You thought the kiss was going to change everything for you and he, and it did. Just not in the way you’d wanted.

You blink away tears and close the door.

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[sixpennydame]

Grief and Death, and how fanfic changed my life

Five years ago today, on the Summer Solstice, my mom died.

Although she'd been battling breast cancer for many years, her death was sudden and unexpected. I'll never forget the call I received from my father that evening, and the deep well of sorrow that opened up in my heart from that day forward. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of her - there were even days when I picked up the phone to tell her something and I was reminded, she's not there to pick up.

But if Mom could have chosen any day to die, the solstice was the perfect one. She was bright and bold, like the first days of summer; love radiated off of her and people were drawn to her. I see her in my first summer roses, which bloom here around this time. They're red - her favorite color.

If grief was a well, then I was drowning in it for a long time. I retreated into my hobbies for escape, and that's when Attack on Titan came into my life. Watching how Levi dealt with the deaths of those around him and how he lived his life to honor them, resonated to me in such a strong way. He was hurting too.

And that's when I started writing North Star. I wanted a way to work through my grief and understand its ebbs and flows. Sure, I had people irl that helped me through it, but now, I could work through it with Levi too.

When people started reaching out to me and saying they understood the grief I wrote about and how real it felt, I felt so honored. Art is powerful - it helps us understand ourselves but also connects us with others. Through my grief, I found an art form that has done both for me.

I'm not sure why I felt compelled to write this here. Maybe nobody will read it, and that's ok. But words have become my lifeline and now, when I feel like I'm sinking in that well, I have something to lift me up.

[sixpennydame]

Ok, so I’m hearing that people want Levi wearing this to the AoT premiere in Make.Believe.:

I fully support this.

And now I’ve fallen down a rabbit hole and am imagining all kinds of promotional photos for the premiere. Like, imagine Hange, Levi, and Erwin doing something like this:

Ahhhh I wish I was an artist I would draw this so fast!!!

[sixpennydame]

The Better Man | Chapter 4

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Warnings: some light smut and sexual touching

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The birds outside rouse you from your deep sleep and the early morning sunlight from the window hits your skin, as you open your eyes and see your husband sleeping peacefully next to you. The last three days with Lars have been the most decadent you’ve ever experienced. You’ve made love countless times and haven’t even bothered to put clothes on except to make food, take baths, or start a fire. But now the short honeymoon is over and Lars has to go back to Levi Squad to prepare for an expedition at the end of the month.

Levi…

You’d tried not to think about him too much since you told Lars that you wanted to marry him. You figured that as long as you two didn’t have to interact, you could put him out of your mind. But when you saw him at the wedding reception, it threw you off guard, especially as he pulled you in for that embrace. You knew this would be the last time you’d ever feel him so close, so you couldn’t help but close your eyes as his lips lightly pressed to your cheek. You hope he hadn’t noticed how flustered it made you. And it didn’t help that you could feel Levi’s icy gaze on you as you danced with Lars; in fact, you probably drank a little more than you should have, just to get him off your mind.

But you don’t regret your decision. After your confrontation with Lars, you’d come to realize that this man sleeping beside you truly loved you and that he was here, now, willing to take you as you are. But still, your heart was split in two.

Lars was like the sun: bright and radiant. His joy spread to those around him and made you feel alive.

Levi was shadow: dark and cool. His soothing reach was limited to just a few, but it enveloped you, made you feel safe. 

You decided it was better to live in the sunlight than to chase a shadow.

_____

It’s lively in the tavern tonight, as you fill the mugs with beer and hand them over to customers. In the almost two years since you’ve been above ground, you’ve drifted from town to town and job to job. You’d stop anywhere with penitentiaries to inquire about Levi, Farlan, or Isabelle, but no one had heard of them. It was as if they had disappeared completely, or had never existed at all. The last few months you’ve lived in Jinae, a small town in the southern district of Wall Rose, mostly inhabited by miners, as there was a large ice burst stone mine located here. Months of fruitless searching left you tired and defeated, and Jinae was as good a place as any to settle down for a while. 

You could always find a job in pubs or taverns: you had experience, and barkeepers rarely turn down a pretty face. When patrons became too flirty or rowdy, you dealt with them swiftly and surely, never afraid to throw someone out or throw a punch if needed. Levi had taught you how to take care of yourself.

You take some pints over to a table of Survey Corpsmen. With the recent fall of Wall Maria, a training camp had been created just outside of town next to a large forest, and several recruits ended up in the tavern on their off-nights. As you set the pints down, one of the men smiles at you. “Thank you,” he says warmly.

You throw out a quick, “You’re welcome,” as you walk briskly away. 

Later, that same man walks up to the bar and orders another round. “You can put it on my tab.”

“You got it.” You grab a few mugs. “Name?”

“Lars. What’s yours?”

“What’s it to you?”

He puts up his hands in surrender. “Just trying to make conversation.”

You put the pints down in front of him and give him an annoyed look. “I’m busy.”

“Y/N! Two gin and tonics for table five,” the bartender says as he passes the drinks to you. 

Lars repeats your name, his hazel eyes sparkling. “That’s a nice name. Unique..” he grabs the drinks. “It’s nice to meet you,” he says with a smile and a wink. 

Lars became a regular to the tavern after that, always attempting to make conversation with you. You’d try to ignore him, but he was persistent. You could even hear his friends tease him about it.

Not that he was a bad guy. He was friendly, courteous, and handsome, and you could tell that his comrades - even other regulars - liked and respected him. It was as if there was light always shining around him; everyone was attracted to it.

Why would someone like that be interested in you? Maybe he was talking to you because of a dare, or the thrill of the challenge. Either way, you weren’t taking the bait.

He walks up to you as you were closing one evening. “Look..I know you could probably care less about me, but let me take you out some time. I’d like to get to know you more.”

You look at him, exasperated, and sigh. “Look, Lars..you seem nice, but I’m not really looking for a relationship.”

He runs his hand through his light brown hair. “I get it. But all I ask is one date. If you can’t stand me after that, just say so and I’ll never bother you again.” 

You look at him, your head cocked to one side. He puts his hands in prayer in front of his face and smirks. “Just one chance.”

You sigh and lean on your broom. “Fine..if it’ll get you to leave me alone.”

“Yes!” he pumps his fist and smiles the biggest smile. “You won’t regret it, Y/N.”

“We’ll see,” you say, as a smile creeps across your face.

_____

You smile as you take a finger and run it along Lars’ profile. It tickles him a little and he scrunches up his nose. You laugh as you turn around to get out of bed, but you feel a strong arm pull you down.

“And just where do you think you’re going?” Lars growls, kissing your shoulder as he pulls you into his chest.

You turn around and hold him close as you start kissing his soft, full lips. His body is always so warm and you cuddle into his arms. “Well I was going to make breakfast, but let’s just stay here instead.”

“Believe me, there is nothing I would rather do,” he kisses the top of your head, “but Captain Levi will have my head if I don’t show up today. I’m lucky he agreed to let me have these days off.”

“It would have been even nicer if he’d given you the whole week off,” you complain, watching Lars get out of bed and put on his uniform. 

Fit and muscular, Lars has the body type typical of those who are successful Survey Corps members. However, he’s taller and broader; a much more athletic build than the others in his squad. But what really sets him apart are his rugged good looks: brown hair lightly bleached by the sun from the hours spent outside, hazel eyes speckled with flecks of green, and olive skin. His features look more suited to be an actor or performer than a soldier, which you often teased him about. He’d reply that he can’t sing or act, and since he had no other useful talents, he became a soldier. This always made you roll your eyes, because he could have been a hundred other things. 

In fact, you wish he was anything other than a Survey Corpsman.

As he gets dressed, you can’t help but appreciate his perfect body. His shoulders flex as he pulls on his shirt and you start feeling turned on.

You push the bed covers off of you and lie on the bed, full naked and exposed. Lars turns around to gaze at your form, fumbling to finish buttoning up his shirt.

“So you’re choosing your Captain over me, eh?” You tease, opening your legs just a tad. “And you’ll be gone for so long…” your fingers begin to touch your clit, “I guess I’ll just have to find ways to amuse myself..”

Lars scrunches his eyes closed. “Shit…you’re going to be the death of me,” he says as he moves toward the bed and unbuttons his pants, his cock already hard.

A smirk forms across your face as Lars positions himself on top of you, shirt half buttoned and pants thrown across the room. “Aren’t you going to be late?” You coo as you begin to stroke his cock.

Lars smiles. He loves it when you tease him. “A few minutes probably won’t hurt…”

“Then we better make it worth it,” you pull him into you.

_____

Levi Squad stands uncomfortably in the main training field when they see Lars running toward them, still buckling the chest strap of his ODM gear. Breathless, he stops in front of Levi and salutes.

“You're late,” Levi says in an eerily calm voice. Everyone can feel the anger emanating off of him.

Lars stands as still as stone in front of Levi. “Yes sir!”

“Were you taking a shit?”

“No sir!” I have no excuse, sir!”

“I see..” Levi faces the squad. “Everyone, start running laps.”

Their shoulders drop. Eld speaks up, “With our ODM gear on, Captain?”

“Did I tell you to take it off? Now get moving.”

The squad starts running, single file, then Eld catches up to Lars. “You just had to be late, huh?” he teases. Lars winces. “How’s married life?”

“Best three days of my life so far,” Lars says enthusiastically, amid the clacking noises of his ODM gear, “I’m a lucky man.”

They run past Levi and Lars notices his bandaged hand. “What happened to the Captain?”

“He said a glass broke when he was doing dishes a few days ago. If anyone was gonna hurt himself because he was cleaning too intensely, it’d be the Captain,” Eld laughs.

“Less talking, more running!” Levi exhorts. 

_____

Levi’s Squad arrives to dinner in the cantine later than the other divisions, tired, sweaty, and sore. The others look on as they limp to their table with their food in hand.

“I know I’ve been gone for a few days, but it feels like the Captain’s training is more…painful…than usual”, Lars remarks, his body aching all over. 

Otto nods his head. “They definitely are. He’s been in a bad mood all week, and it feels like he might be taking something out on us.”

“Come on, fellas, he wouldn’t do that. He’s just getting us ready for the expedition in two weeks. We’re the Special Operations Squad - we’ve gotta be set to a higher standard,” Eld interjects, always the more level-headed one of the group.

“You’re right, Eld, there’s got to be a reason for why he’s pushing us so hard,” Lars says between bites of his food, “but after four days off from training I feel like a cadet again. My body hasn’t hurt this badly in a while.”

“Are you sure that’s from today’s training, or from your other….activities,” Gunther teases.

“What other activities?” Jakob asks, the youngest member of Levi Squad. Eld hits him on the back of the head.

Gunther stands on the bench, his mug in hand. “Everyone! I’d like to raise a toast to the newlywed, Lars. Let’s hope he saves enough energy from his..um, ‘domestic duties’ to slay some titans in two weeks,” he raises his mug. “To Lars!”

“To Lars!” The other Corps members raise their mugs and cheer. All except Levi, who looks on, pushing around the food on his plate.

He walks past his squad. “We’re on cleaning duty tonight. Eld, Jakob - you have the kitchen. Otto and Gunther, bathrooms.” He looks at Lars. “Lars, you’ve got stables.”

Lars winces. “By myself?” Levi’s head snaps back at him. “Sir.”

“What? You’re tired?”

“No sir!”

“Then I suggest you get on it.”

As Levi walks away, he hears the others tease Lars, but not one complaint comes from his mouth as he walks to the stables. His positivity really is admirable.

Admirable, if Levi didn’t feel so much resentment toward him.

These last three days, he’d tried so hard to push you out of his thoughts, but in the loneliness of the night, his mind would wonder what it must feel like to be your husband, to make love to you as a married couple. Did you enjoy it? Did he make you call out his name? Did he do the things Levi used to do to you?

Just over a week ago you were moaning his name, digging your fingernails into his back, asking for his touch. That feels like an eternity now. You haven’t been his for years, but now you are truly someone else’s. 

This was what he wanted, right? For someone good and capable to take care of you. Someone to give you the stability he never could. 

But he never thought you’d find that in someone from the Survey Corps. A Corpsman's life is short and unpredictable; it’s wreckless to want a spouse, much less a family. It’s one of the reasons Levi let you go. 

And it’s the reason Levi has decided he wants Lars out of the Corps. For your sake, he needs him to stay alive. 

_____

Over the next few days, Levi is relentless on the squad, and especially on Lars. 

First, it was giving him extra duties: cleaning, filing, organizing; besides the 5 hours minimum of sleep time officers were required to give their squads, Lars was constantly being worked. Levi wanted to wear him down and frustrate him to the point that he would ask to be reassigned, or better yet leave the Survey Corps, but he knew that was a long-shot. 

And Lars took every extra assignment without complaint. 

Next, he pushed Lars in training exercises, finding every little thing wrong that he could:

“Oi, Lars! You’re coming up too shallow in your initial cuts.”

“Lars! Your aim on the grapple hooks is shitty. Have you forgotten everything I taught you?”

“Are you an idiot, Lars? Any first-year cadet could make that landing. Run through the course again.”

By the end of the week, even other squads were beginning to notice how harshly Levi was training them. Hange eventually mentions it to Levi during a particularly grueling afternoon practice.

“Levi, I don’t want to tell you how to train your squad~”

“Then don’t,” Levi interrupts.

“~but they’re going to break if you push them too hard.”

Levi looks at Hange. “Maybe you’re ok with your squad members going up against a titan unprepared, but I’m not. I’d advise you to worry about your own people.”

“Gosh, you’ve been grumpier than usual lately,” Hange changes their tone, “is everything ok?”

Levi brushes them off. “I’m fine. Now..I have work to do.” 

The squad gathers around Levi as he makes his way to the training grounds.

“You’re all getting faster at direction changes, but remember that a split second hesitation could put your head in a titan’s mouth. Eld, Gunther, good job with working together on the final dummy. Jakob, use your small size to allow the gear to propel you faster and higher. Lars..”

Everyone looks at Lars; they know what’s coming.

“You took the cut when you should have let Otto go in for the kill. That was reckless, and a move like that outside the walls will get yourself killed.”

“I disagree, sir,” Lars responds, with conviction in his voice. “I’m stronger than Otto, so I knew I could get a deeper cut. Like you said, hesitation will get us killed.”

Levi scowls and everyone else holds their breath. Lars has never spoken up against Levi’s critiques. 

“Are you saying I don’t know what I’m talking about?”

“No sir, but you’ve taught us to know our capabilities and use them to their fullest. I knew I was the most capable, so I went in for the kill. I think I made the right choice.”

“So you’re willing to make a more reckless choice to save a friend, even if it costs you your life?”

“Yes, if that’s what it takes.” 

“As a married man now, you should know how stupid that sounds. You want to make her a widow already?”

“She knows the risks I take and why I chose to be in the Survey Corps, and I think she loves and supports me no matter what.”

The rest of the squad watches as the two men stare each other down until Levi finally looks away. “Then I suppose that’s your choice,” he concedes, to the shock of everyone. “That’s all for today. Lars and Otto, you’re in charge of cleaning ODM gear and taking inventory in the store room tonight. You can bring the supply order form to me later. Dismissed.”

The group walks away from Levi and toward the barracks. “Did Lars…just win an argument against the Captain?” Gunther says, puzzled. 

“Let’s just be happy we’re getting the rest of the afternoon off. I’m not sure how much more I could have taken today,” Jakob adds.

Lars walks with his comrades silently. He thought he noticed a quick flash of concern in Levi’s eyes when he mentioned you loving him. Or maybe he just imagined it.

_____

Erwin is working at his desk later that evening when there’s a knock at the door.

“It’s me,” comes a familiar voice.

“Come in, Levi,” Erwin says, his eyes not leaving what he’s reading. “I’m just finishing up your report. It sounds like your squad is making great progress. They just might be the key to a more successful expedition.”

“That’s what I came to talk to you about. I’d like to dismiss Lars from my squad.”

“Oh?” Erwin leans forward, “and why is that?”

“I don’t think his talents work with the rest of the group. Actually, he’d be better suited for The Garrison, so I'm requesting his reassignment starting from next week.”

“Levi, didn’t you hand-pick him yourself? And according to your previous reports, Lars has been a key player in group cohesion and leadership.”

“I know, he has, but it’s not working. Don’t you trust my judgment?”

“I do, but I also know that we are desperate for members. And I’ve watched Lars in training exercises. He’s bold, quick-witted, and most importantly, he’s fiercely loyal to the cause. To lose him would be to lose a valuable asset to the Corps, and we can’t afford that.”

Erwin hands the report to Levi. “Your request is denied. You’re an excellent instructor and leader, Levi. I’m sure you’ll learn how to best utilize Lars.”

Levi walks out and down to the hall to his office. He hates to admit it, but Lars is an important member of the squad. His skill surpasses many veterans in the Corps, and Levi has had to really dig this week to find things wrong with his use of ODM gear and titan slaying.

He knows he’s being unreasonable by asking for Lars’ reassignment. But how else can he protect you from getting hurt?

Then a voice inside his head reminds him: you’re not his to protect and he needs to let you go.

Almost as if on cue, there’s a knock at the door and Levi opens it to find Lars standing there.

“Captain, I have the supply order for you to look over,” he says, handing him the list.

“Thank you.” Levi takes the paper and looks it over, before signing his name at the bottom. “Lars, there’s something else I’d like to discuss with you,” he sits back in his chair. “The way I pushed you this week was…extreme. The fact is, you’re an excellent and capable corpsman. I see a lot of potential in you; but it’d be a waste of talent if someone like you got killed out there because I didn’t do my job preparing you.”

“I understand, sir. You’re just doing what needs to be done, and we’re better soldiers for it. I’m fully dedicated to this cause, Captain.”

A little too blindly dedicated, Levi thinks to himself, but his heart is in the right place. “And you mentioned earlier that your wife…is ok with all this?” Levi tries to act as if he barely knows you. “Are you fully dedicated to her as well?”

“Absolutely. I joined the Corps before I met her, but she’s my motivation for fighting. I want to do everything I can to protect her and our future family,” he says with determination in his eyes. 

Family. The word hits Levi like an arrow through the heart. There were times when you and he talked of family. The hope of a future..

“That’s admirable. But it doesn’t mean a damn thing if you aren’t prepared for everything that’s out there,” Levi’s eyes reflect the same determination. “You do whatever it takes to stay alive for that future family of yours.”

Lars smiles. “I will, sir!”

_____

“Why don’t you ever cum inside me?” You ask Levi once after a long night of making love, your naked bodies sweaty and splayed across the small bed you both share.

Levi looks at you, surprised. “You want to have a kid in this shitty place? You’re insane.”

“Ok, yes, that’s a terrible idea,” you move closer to him on the bed, “but don’t you ever want a family?”

“Maybe…someday. But let’s get out of here first.” He puts his arm around you.

There’s silence as you both lay in each other’s arms. Levi wonders if there will ever be a time when you two will escape this wretched place. And with their shitty way of being raised, he worries if you’d even be good parents. 

But he knows he loves you, more than he ever knew he could love. You have his whole heart, but maybe there’s room for a baby there too..

Meanwhile, you daydream about carrying Levi’s child, the fullness of it. You hope that they have Levi’s eyes and your temperament. 

But not yet. Levi’s right, you both have to get out of here first. “We’re gonna make it above ground someday, Levi.”

Levi smiles, then kisses the top of your head. “Yeah. We will.”

_____

The following week flies by with more intense training and preparations for the expedition. When it’s time to depart, the Survey Corps rides into Trost, where you’re waiting at the gate. 

Lars gets off his horse and you wrap your arms around him. 

“If all goes well, we’ll be back in two weeks. I love you,” he says as he kisses you.

Levi looks down from his horse and sees the embrace. He watches you close your eyes when Lars kisses you deeply. He should turn away, but he can’t. He wants to see your face, even if it’s with another man and it makes his heart ache.

“You come back to me, Lars. I’ll be waiting for you.” He pulls you into his arms again and you see Levi looking down at you. “Be safe,” you say, as your eyes quickly flit upward to meet his. He looks away.

As Lars mounts his horse, you walk up to Levi. “You too, Captain. Be safe, and protect each other out there.”

He knows what you’re saying. You’re asking him to look out for Lars. He will do that regardless because Lars is his squad member, but when he sees your eyes, full of hope and trust, he knows he’d do anything to keep you happy. You wrap your shawl around you a little tighter and Levi sees the simple gold band on your left hand. He clears his throat and nods, then rides to the front with the other squad leaders.

The bells begin to ring throughout town and the horses paw at the ground as the large gate slowly raises. This is Lars’ first expedition, and although he looks calm and collected, you know he must be nervous.The tolling bells bring more people to see the group, some cheering, others with their arms crossed in silent judgment. 

Erwin turns his horse to face the group. “A year ago, Wall Maria fell and humanity was reminded that as long as there are titans beyond the wall, we will never be free. Now is the time to take back our lands and forge a new road to freedom!” He rides to the front of the vanguard. “The 30th expedition of the Survey Corps now begins. Soldiers: forward!”

The ground shakes as the horses run down the cobblestone street leading through the gate and out of Trost. Lars looks at you once more and then he’s gone with the rest. The gate closes behind them.

_____

Two weeks later, the Survey Corps returns to much less fanfare. There are no tolling bells; only the rumbling of the large gate opening signals their arrival. A neighbor tells you of their return and you run as fast as you can to meet them, but you’re not prepared for what you see: 

Scores of men and women injured in one way or another, some with missing limbs or bandaged heads, others being held up by other, less injured comrades. You don’t know the exact number, but there can’t be more than half of the Corps returning. Wagons start rolling through carrying piles of bodies and body parts. It’s a horrific sight.

You look through the crowd to find Lars, but don’t see him and as the last of the Corps comes through the gate, you start to panic. Then you remember that you did get there late, and that he might already be at the rallying point in the center of town. You run to the city square, your heart racing, and then you see him.

Lars is helping another injured soldier out of a wagon when he sees you walking towards him. Noticing his bandaged head, you stop short of running into his arms, for fear of hurting him.

“Y/N..” he says weakly. You put a gentle hand on his bandaged face.

“Lars..are you ok? Are you hurt badly?”

“I’m fine, it’s just a scratch really. I’m alive,” he seems in a bit of a daze, but he cups your cheek and smiles at you. “I’m alive.”

Then his face becomes serious. “But we lost Jakob. He was so young. Only fifteen..”

“Oh Lars,” is all you can think to say.

“And Otto lost his leg. He was my partner. If I had just gotten there sooner, I..”

“Stop that,” you put his face in your hands to look at you, “it’s not your fault.”

“Yeah…yeah..” he looks away. “I need to help with the injured before we head back to Headquarters. I’ll come home after that.”

“Ok.” You hug him tightly. “I love you.”

You feel his arm move around your waist. “I love you too, Y/N. So much.” Then he turns and walks away.

Before you have a chance to leave, you feel someone walk up behind you.

“Now do you understand, Y/N? Death is an expectation for Survey Corps members. Someday, it’ll come for me…and Lars. This is the kind of life I wanted you to avoid.” Levi’s voice sounds so tired, you almost didn’t recognize it.

A single tear falls down your cheek as you turn to face him. “Death comes for us all, Levi. None of us can avoid it, so we might as well surround ourselves with the people we love while we can.” 

For a moment, his eyes soften. Levi wants to wipe the tear from your face so badly, but he knows it’s not right to touch you. She’s not yours to protect, he tells himself.

“If we have an early winter as predicted, this will be the final expedition for the year.”

He moves closer to you, his tone serious. “And if you truly love him, you’ll take the next month to convince Lars to leave the Corps and get far away from this place. Go create that happy family you’ve always wanted,” he turns to leave, then pauses, “that I couldn’t give you.”

He leaves you, standing in the city square you were married in just one month ago; the joy of that moment now replaced with sadness and despair. 

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[sixpennydame]

North Star✶Chapter 7

A Levi Ackerman x oc slow burn

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Levi fights to keep you alive, and you decide if it's worth it all.

Warning: mentions of death

Levi follows Mathieu into his home and to a bedroom, where he opens a large cedar chest. He takes out a few items of clothing and hands them to Levi. “You should be able to fit into some of my son’s old clothing. Make sure you cover as much skin as you can - it’s going to be cold and windy up there, and frostbite can settle in fast if you’re not careful.” 

Mathieu then lays out a map on the table and takes out a compass. “I assume, as a former soldier, you know how to use one of these?” Mathieu asks, to which Levi nods. “The glevora trail starts on the southern slope of the mountain and was meant to be taken by foot - it’ll take too long in this weather on a horse. But there’s another, faster trail slightly to the west,” he points on the map, “here.” He folds up the map and gives it to Levi. “Prince was made for this kind of weather, but it’ll still be treacherous, especially if the blizzard hits before you make it to her.”

“Then I better get going,” Levi responds as he changes into the wool sweater and waxed coat given to him. Mathieu pulls out some gear and supplies and as both men head to the stables, there’s already a change in the air. 

“Levi, it’s likely when you find her that she’ll be weak and maybe even a little confused. Besides not eating for over 3 days, opening the bridge takes a toll on her body and mind.” He puts a hand on Levi’s shoulder. “And keep your own wits about you. Strange things are said to happen in the mountains on the solstice.”

“I will.” Levi mounts Prince, who eagerly stomps his hooves. He pulls on the reins gently to control him and then looks down at Mathieu. “Thank you, for your help. Let the council know that she’ll return safely down the mountain with her duty accomplished,” then he rides out of the barn and towards Mount Aspe.

There’s a cold wind blowing down through the mountains and into the valley, and it stings at Levi’s exposed face. He’s never been particularly comfortable in freezing temperatures, but he feels focused, more than he has in a long time; his winter training for the Survey Corps is coming back to him.

It’s quiet, only the crunch of Prince’s hooves in the snow can be heard. The scent of pine trees wafts in the wind and Levi marvels at how different this landscape is than anything he knew in Paradis. The higher he climbs the mountain, the energy seems to change as well; as if the very trees and rocks around him wait in expectation. The wind bites at his face and his muscles tense.

“You weren’t made for the cold, were you, Levi?” Hange used to tease. She had once tried to make a heating mechanism for their winter uniforms that would keep them warm as well as hinder the ODM gear from freezing up, but it ended up catching fire during the first trial run. 

Why am I thinking of Hange now of all times? Levi asked himself. He re-focused on the task at hand, which was navigating this mountain trail. Snow had fallen last night, covering everything in a fresh, sparkling white, but it made navigating the correct route challenging. He had to depend on his compass and map more often than not. 

Mathieu had warned that the daylight hours were particularly short during the winter solstice, and Levi was glad that he’d started his trek early. Clouds were beginning to build overhead and it urged him forward - he was quickly running out of time. As he came into a clearing, he could see a fire burning in the distance, then the lights in the sky began to appear, flowing from one end of the sky to the other. It really was a magical sight to see, even to a skeptic like Levi. Then suddenly, the wind changed and clouds began to cover the lights and darken the stars. Sensing the start of the storm, Levi urged Prince onward toward the fire’s light, the wind and snow bearing down on him, making it difficult to see.  

When he finally arrives at the stone circle, you are nowhere to be found. His heart races as he searches around the immediate area, calling your name. He finds the cave where you had set up camp and ties Prince there. The wind continues to pick up, creating a complete white-out; Levi can barely see in front of him, but he ventures past the camp and altar, desperate to find any sign of you. Placing his arm in front of his face to block as much of the blizzard as possible, he trudges through the snow, ignoring the growing pain in his knee. “I can’t see shit out here.” 

“This really is quite a storm, isn’t it?” says a voice from behind him. Levi’s eyes widen and then he quickly turns around. 

It can’t be. It’s impossible.

“Hange?”

The wind and snow have stopped and it’s as if everything is frozen in time. Levi blinks his eyes a few times, wondering if his mind is playing tricks on him. 

“Yo.” Hange gives a little wave. “Long time, no see.” They’re wearing the Survey Corps uniform, brown hair tied up in their usual way, but no eye patch. 

“This can’t be real..” Levi marvels.

They feel around themself. “If I’m not real then you are having one very convincing hallucination,” they laugh then grab Levi’s hand to put it on their shoulder, “See? Real as can be.”

Levi quickly pulls back his hand, but he can still still feel the texture of Hange’s jacket. “How is this possible?”

“Your guess is as good as mine. I suppose there are some things that just can’t be explained.”

Levi remembers sitting against a rock after the final battle and seeing all his comrades faces, Hange and Erwin at the forefront as they disappeared into the smoke. “I just never thought I’d see you again.”

“Well, I am dead, so I suppose that would be a logical conclusion,” they tease. “But I haven’t been too far away this whole time. It looks like you have a good thing going there in Mursa.”

“It’s nice. Peaceful. But,” his glance turns downward, “I don’t know what I should do anymore.”

“Just keep doing what you’re doing - living life.” They move toward Levi. “After all you’ve been through, you deserve some peace.”

“But I shouldn’t be the one still here. I should -” 

He thinks about all the times he should have died, but he kept fighting and pushing forward, even when he didn’t want to. Friends, family, comrades - they’ve all moved on without him, to whatever is beyond this world. But he can’t help but feel like he’s cheated death; that his Ackerman blood gave him an unfair and unwanted advantage. Living shouldn't feel like a curse.

Hange puts a hand on his shoulder, stopping him mid sentence. “You should live. The world is such a big place - explore it! That’s what the Survey Corps does, isn’t it?”

They smile. “Your time on earth is a gift, Levi. That’s why they call it the present.” Hange laughs heartily, a gleam in their eye, then nudges Levi’s ribs. “Get it? I think I just came up with a saying.”

Levi rolls his eyes. “You’re still as annoying as ever.” Then his face softens. “I’ve missed this.” 

There’s so much he wants to say at this brief moment. That he’s thankful for their friendship. That he wishes he’d been the one to give his life that day. 

“Ah, Levi, don’t be getting sentimental on me now.” Hange smiles, then begins to walk away into the trees. “I’ll see you on the other side, someday. Now go on…she needs you.”

The snow and wind pick back up and Hange disappears amongst the white. In their place, Levi sees footprints. He follows them through a grove of trees, until he starts finding pieces of clothing: a scarf, a coat, a hat, all leading to a figure amongst the trees. 

“Catherine!” He yells, running toward you just as you drop to your knees. He catches you and holds you close. 

“I’ve got you, Catherine. I won’t let you go.”

You don’t respond. Your eyes are open but seem to be in a trance-like state. Levi knows he has to act quickly; he grabs you and hoists you on his back, dragging you along and picking up your discarded clothing along the way. He’s pushed his body to the limit today, and his knee throbs, but he pushes through until he reaches the cave. 

Now shielded from the snow, he places you down and wraps you in blankets. He quickly gets a fire going so that he can assess what kind of state you’re in. The fire slowly comes to life, illuminating the cave and your frail body shivering. 

Levi crouches in front of you and places his hands on either side of your face. You’re freezing to the touch, your hair in icy clumps clinging to your head, your lips blue. 

“Catherine! Catherine! Can you hear me?” 

Your eyes are half open but it's as if you see right through him; your eyes are completely focused elsewhere, like there’s another world in front of you. 

“Martin? You came for me?”

Levi thinks back to his winter survival training. Your confusion and physical state all show signs of hypothermia and minutes can determine whether you live or die. He knows he has to act quickly to raise your body heat.

Having discarded your coat and warm layers, the rest of the clothing you wore was soaked and cold. “Catherine, I need to get you warm. I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to take off your clothes.”

He takes a deep breath, then starts to undress you. “Please don’t hate me for this, but it’s for your own good.” He lifts the sweater over your head then pulls off the heavy wool pants. Once you’re only in your camisole and underwear, he places you inside the sleeping bag and begins to undress himself. Both your coats and clothing are placed next to the fire and when he is down to only his underwear, he crawls into the sleeping bag with you. 

Your body is like a block of ice next to him, and it takes his breath away a bit. He piles the blankets and furs on top of you both and then zips up the sleeping bag. There’s no time to think of the awkwardness of it all because he knows this is the fastest way to warm your freezing body.

His arms wrap around you as you lay beside him, your head against his chest. He rubs your back and arms to encourage your blood to circulate, all the while hoping he acted in time. 

The night passes and the blizzard dies down to a light snow falling. Prince stomps at the ground as the dying fire casts tall shadows along the cave walls. Levi crawls out of the sleeping bag only to add more wood to the fire, then his arms are around you again. Your head fits perfectly in the crook of his neck, and he feels your uneven breathing against his skin. The lights in the sky eventually fade, and to Levi’s relief, your body begins to warm, little by little; he finally allows himself to fall asleep just for a brief moment.

You’re going to make it.

——- ✶ ——-

“Don’t go! Take me with you!” You yell out to Lars. You find yourself running deeper and deeper into the trees, trying to catch up to him, but snow is whipping at your face and stinging your eyes. 

It feels as if the world is spinning around you and then everything stops: the same empty feeling you had as you watched Martin’s airship fall from the sky. “You’re wrong, Martin, I’m not a strong person,” you say out loud - or at least, you think you say it out loud. You’re having a hard time differentiating between what is real and what isn’t. Honestly, you don’t really care.

Despite being surrounded by snow, you suddenly feel so hot. You start taking off your scarf and hat, then your gloves and finally your coat as you walk aimlessly among the trees. There’s a part of you warning that this is wrong, that you’re going to freeze out here. 

And maybe that’s ok. You can almost see the thread connecting you to this life fraying. Just a little longer and it’ll snap, and you can be with Martin. Just a little bit more, and all your pain will be over..

Then there’s darkness.

You blink and you’re at the top of Mount Aspe. Thousands of stars are sparkling around you and the lights in the sky fade in and out, flowing through the air and around the moon. There’s no snow, only the endless sky surrounds you.

You shouldn't be here, Catherine, a familiar voice says. They wrap their arms around you.

“Take me with you. Or let me follow.”

Not this time.

You can’t see him, but he’s here, with you. You feel his arms, his breath against your ear. But you can’t turn around. 

Don’t be afraid to enjoy your life and all there is to this frail world. Make friends, sit in the sun, ride Aster, laugh until you cry. Embrace it all. I want that for you.

A star in the distance starts shining brighter and brighter. You close your eyes.

 LIVE.

“But it’s hard”, you reply.

All good things are hard. 

“I’m alone..”

You’re not alone. 

Everything gets dark around you as you feel your body shutting down. You feel yourself falling, and you almost give into it - 

…but something inside you - a tiny spark - says this isn’t how it’s supposed to be.

Martin’s words grow in your heart. You want to live.

You feel a pair of hands grab you and pull you into them. Who is it? You feel like you’re floating. Are you dead?

Someone’s calling your name. “Martin?” Did he come back? That’s impossible - he crossed the bridge. Someone’s taking off your clothes. That’s fine, you think, it’s so hot. No..it’s freezing. You feel arms around you. So warm. Feels like home. 

You hear a heart beating against the chest your head is laying on. This is real. You’re alive. 

When you open your eyes the cave is still dark, but the sun is slowly rising, shining through the entrance. You’re completely buried in blankets and there’s a body next to you, their arms around you and their head resting on top of yours. Your hands move along their bare chest; the scars you feel are unfamiliar. The touching rouses them from their sleep and they take a deep breath. When you look up, you see two long scars marking a porcelain complexion.

“Levi?”

You feel his muscles tense underneath you and he shifts a bit, putting a small space between your bodies. But his arms stay around you.

“What are you doing here?”

“I can tell you all about it later. Right now I just need to know you’re ok.” One of his hands gently touches your face and neck. “You’re feeling warmer. Let me stoke the fire and heat up some water for you to drink.”

He moves to unzip the sleeping bag, but your arm pressed next to him  quickly reaches across his chest. He looks at you and you pull your arm back. 

You’re now fully aware that only the thin fabric of your underwear and camisole is keeping you from being totally nude next to him. “This was the most effective way to raise your body temperature,” Levi mentions, as if reading your mind.

“No, I understand.” Your arm reaches across him again. You’re not sure how or why Levi is here, but right now, it doesn’t matter.  “Don’t go just yet.”

There’s silence, and then Levi pulls you closer to him, his arms warmer than any blanket could be. 

You rub your legs together for some extra warmth, and Levi notices. “Do you want me closer?” He asks, and you nod your head. At that, his leg drapes over yours. The weight of his body and the warmth emanating from his core assures you that you’re still alive. 

You need this. You need to feel another human next to you, to know that you’re not alone. His chest rises and falls and you find that your own breathing syncs with his, each inhale and exhale pulling you back to this world.

“Thank you..” you quietly say into the curve of his neck. “I don’t know how you found me out here, but I thought it was the end.”

Hearing that, he pulls you in even tighter. He’s never felt so close to anyone before, and now that the danger of the situation has lessened, he realizes that he wants to be near you beyond just protecting you. Having you in his arms feels natural, as if you replace an emptiness he thought would never be filled. He could hold you like this forever.

But this isn’t the time for those feelings. Levi takes a deep breath.  “You could still be in danger. I need to keep you warm and hydrated while I find a way off of this mountain. The faster we can get you back to Mursa, the better.”

He begins to sit up. “I’m sorry, but I’ll have to move so I can get you something to drink.” 

You let go of him, realizing you are indeed incredibly thirsty. When was the last time you had a drink? As Levi shifts away from you and opens the sleeping bag, a surge of cold air hits you and you shiver. He quickly gets out and zips you back in, then he puts on his clothes. 

Your body feels as if it has had all the energy sucked out of it, and you doubt you could move much even if you tried. You go in and out of sleep as you hear Levi putting logs on the fire, only being roused when you feel his arm underneath you to help you sit up. He places a tin mug to your lips. 

“I need you to drink this slowly,” he says with care. You cough up the first gulp, but after a few more sips you take it in your hands and finish it off. Levi looks relieved.

“That’s good. If you were suffering from serious hypothermia then you wouldn’t be able to drink at all.” 

He pours you some more water and as he instructed, you drink it slowly, letting it soothe your parched throat. You can feel its warmth move all the way down to your stomach, making you even more comfortable. 

After Levi feeds and waters Prince, he comes back over to you. “I’m going to check outside and see if we can get down this mountain today. It’s still early, so if the trail isn’t too bad then we should be able to make it.” He puts your hat on your head and smooths out your hair. “I’ll be right back.”

Alone and finally feeling coherent, you try to piece together the events of last evening. Nothing about this has been what you expected, but you were able to see Martin one final time, and you opened the bridge. Martin’s final words are etched on your heart, and although there’s a part of you that still yearns to be with him, there’s another part that believes what he said, that there’s so much more for you to experience in this life.

Because there is still goodness here - Levi is proof of that. He hasn’t yet told you how he knew you were in trouble, or how in the world he found you freezing in the wilderness, but the fact that he’s here makes you realize that you might not be so alone in this world after all.

You eventually doze off, so you’re not sure how long Levi had been out there before he’s gently waking you. “Catherine, I think I’ve found a way down, but if we’re going to make it before the sun sets, then we need to leave soon. Can you get dressed?”

“Yes..I think so, but Levi, I need to stay here. How will they believe I’ve accomplished the ceremony if I don’t come down on my own.” 

“Did the elders say that was a requirement?”

“Well, no, but..”

“Then I’m taking you down off this mountain.” Levi gathers your clothing as you amble out of the sleeping bag. You silently acquiesce to his assistance, as he helps you put on each layer. “Catherine, you’ve done what you set out to accomplish. But if you stay up here any longer, you’ll..”

He looks down as he ties your boots. The words stick in his throat. “This ceremony isn’t worth your life.” 

His hands are gripping your ankles as he looks up at you, his grey eyes piercing and serious. You can tell there’s no point in arguing with him. “Ok, Levi, you’re right. I’ll go with you.”

Levi packs what he can in Prince’s saddle bags, then helps you onto the saddle. He knows you’re still weak, so he has you sit in front of him, his arms around you as he grabs the reins. “Lean on me if you need to, ok?” He says gently as he prods Prince to move forward. It’s still cold, but the sun is shining brightly; it reflects off the snow and you both squint to see. Despite the chaotic events of last night, it’s now eerily calm; in fact, if you didn’t feel the way that you did, you’d almost think that you’d imagined everything that happened.

Riding down the mountain, Levi recalls the events that led to finding you, leaving out the part about meeting Hange. He’s still trying to figure that out in his mind. Another thought he keeps hidden is his growing endearment for you; the feeling is so new and unknown to him, he’s not sure he could even describe it.  

You listen in awe as Levi speaks, amazed that someone would go through such lengths for you. The fact that he cared that much, gives you conflicted feelings and you’re not sure you’re ready to deal with something like that. 

Martin told you to love again, but how could you? 

You do know that you feel safe with Levi. Physically and psychologically he’s been through so much, but there’s this inner strength about him.  You wonder if you would have been that strong if faced with such losses.

“If you hadn’t come when you did, I don’t think I would have made it. I thought I was strong enough to be glevora, but in the end, I couldn’t complete what I set out to do.”

“What are you talking about? You did exactly what you needed to do. You climbed up a big-ass mountain, stayed there for several days without food, and opened the bridge. Don’t diminish your accomplishments.”

His voice is stern. “You can’t control the weather. Unless you have some skill you haven’t told me about.”

That makes you laugh just a little bit. “You’re right. I guess I’m just worried about what everyone will think, when they see me come down the mountain like this.”

“You can’t control that either. People are going to think what they wanna think. So what if it wasn’t executed perfectly in the end? Were Martin and the others able to cross?”

“Yes..they were.”

“Then it was a success. Stop being hard on yourself.”

“Yes sir,” you tease. In your heart, you know he’s right, even if he has a gruff way of putting it. 

“You’re strong, Catherine. You don’t give yourself enough credit. I wish you could see what I see.” 

“What do you see?”

“An amazing woman who has never let the struggles in life defeat her. You’re a fighter, but you’re too hard on yourself. You’re your own worst enemy, in that regard.” 

There it is again, that brutally honest way of speaking - but it’s refreshing. There are no pretenses with Levi.

“There’s no fault in wanting to be better and stronger, but you should celebrate your victories too.” His voice softens. “And for what it’s worth, I’m proud of what you’ve done, and I’m sure Martin is too.”

You can feel your cheeks getting hot and you’re glad that Levi can’t see you. “Thank you…for being honest with me. I appreciate that.”

For some reason, when he says he’s proud of you it feels like the biggest accomplishment. He makes you feel like you’re worth something.

About halfway down the mountain, your body starts to feel tired again, but you try not to slump over. Levi has enough of a challenge navigating his way down this mountain, and so you struggle to sit up and stay awake.

You should have known that he’d notice. “I told you - you can lean against me if you’re tired. I can take it.” One of his hands reaches to your shoulder and pushes you against him. You don’t resist it. He tightens his arms around you so you won’t fall and you let your head fall on his shoulder.

“Why are you so kind to me?” You ask, your voice hoarse and barely a whisper.

There’s a multitude of ways he could answer this, he thinks. It’s in his nature to help others, it’s what he does. He would have done it for anyone, be it Mathieu or Albert, or shit, even Max. 

But that’s not why he raced to the top of this mountain and searched for you through the snow. You’re not just another person he saved; he realizes that he cares for you deeply - he’s just not ready to admit that out loud yet.

And so he pauses for a moment, thinking about how he should word this. “You once told me that you were happy we were friends. Well, I feel the same way. You’re my friend and I don’t want to see you get hurt.”

He stops himself from saying more. He wonders if his pause in answering gave his feelings away, or the tone of his voice.

But when he looks down at you, you’re already asleep.

——- ✶ ——-

Not many people notice when you arrive in Mursa. It’s too cold for most to be out and about, and so Levi takes you straight home. He noticed a few hours before that your condition was taking a turn for the worst again; he knew it was risky to make the descent in one day in such cold, but you wouldn’t have lasted long in that cave if he’d waited. Now he’s wondering if he did the right thing. 

As Prince stops in front of the house, you’re met by Albert, Luka, and Max.

“Shit, what happened?” Max exclaims, helping Levi to bring you inside.

Levi doesn’t answer but takes you straight to your bedroom. “Max, run and get Dr. Egli. Tell him it’s urgent.” He looks at the other two men. “Luka, take the horse back to Mathieu’s. Albert, find the village elders. Tell them that Catherine has completed her task and returned from Mount Aspe.”

There was an authority in Levi’s voice and it had the three jumping to their tasks without question. 

Once Dr. Egli arrives, Levi has changed you into clean clothes and covered you with blankets, recalling the events to the doctor as he checks your pulse. “She was conscious this morning. I thought it best to get her back here as soon as possible, but I’m worried I made everything worse.” 

The doctor opens your eye to check dilation. “No, you made the right call. Keeping her up there would have been dangerous. Honestly, I’m impressed you were able to make it down safely and in good time.”

By now, the others have returned home and are standing restless beside the entrance to the bedroom. 

“She’s extremely dehydrated, physically exhausted, and suffering from a mild hypothermia. Continue to give her warm water to drink. She should only consume liquids for now - I’d suggest bone broths.” He begins to pack up his case. If her condition begins to improve, you can have her take a warm bath, but nothing like that yet.”

“Isn’t there some medicine or something you can give her?” Levi asks.

“There’s not much more that can be done. It is really up to her will to survive now. She has to fight.”

——- ✶ ——-

It’s so cold.

One moment you were riding with Levi down the mountain, his strong arms holding you up as you drifted in and out of sleep, and then everything became cloudy and disoriented. Your body goes numb, but you feel separate from your physical self, your mind in another place entirely. 

Your eyes open and you’re in Mursa, and a voice tells you to hold on.

They open again and you’re in your bedroom, a cold stethoscope on your chest. 

Time has lost meaning. You live only from one small conscious moment to another.

You hear muffled voices outside your room.

“And you saw it? The fire burned through the night?”

“Yes. The wind from the blizzard made it almost impossible, but I made sure the fire stayed lit throughout the night. She completed her tasks as glevora.”

“What would you, an outsider, know about it?”

“Because I experienced it myself.” This voice got stern. “The bridge was opened.”

The voices fade. You open your eyes once more to see Levi sitting next to your bed. 

“Hey. You need to drink this.”

Warm liquid fills your stomach. The fog is clearing, but you still feel lost, clawing your way back to life.

Come back, Catherine.

…

Come back.

…

Your eyes open. The room is dark and still around you, only a clock marking time in the distance. You stretch your sore muscles and turn to see a figure sleeping in the chair next to you, his head leaning on his hand.

“Levi..”

His head lifts up immediately and his features brighten when you say his name. “Hey. How are you feeling?”

“Better, I think. How long have I been home?”

“You’ve been in and out of sleep for two days.”

“Two days…” you push the bedding away. “I need to talk to the elders and let them know the ritual was completed.”

Levi stops you from getting up with a gentle hand on your shoulder. “It’s the middle of the night. And they’ve already been by. I took care of it.”

He helps you lie back down. “Let me get you something to drink.”

As he leaves, you begin to remember some of the moments from the last few days. In every memory, Levi was there, getting you to drink, checking your temperature, helping you through. You’re sure if it wasn’t for him, you’d be dead by now. 

This man, who a few months ago was a total stranger, has saved your life. And perhaps, even given you a reason to live.

——- ✶ ——-

In the morning, everyone is coming by to check on you. It’s the day before Jul and the mine is closed until the new year, which means Max, Albert, and Luka have been charged with taking care of you until Levi returns from working at the stables. Pots and pans clamor as they make meals for you and you wonder if Levi will box their ears later for making a mess in the kitchen. There’s always at least one of them with you in your room, almost as if they’re afraid to let you out of their sight. You generally don’t like people making a fuss over you, but you’re too tired to feel uncomfortable. 

Luka and Albert spend the afternoon with you in your room playing chess while Max seems to be busying himself around the house. 

“Jul is tomorrow - shouldn’t you all be making your way home to see your families?” you ask the two men as they stare intently at the board.

“We couldn’t leave until we knew that you were gonna be ok,” Albert says, moving his rook.

Luka studies the board. “All of our homes are a quick train ride away anyway. We’re all planning to leave in the morning.” He moves his queen. “Check.”

You fall asleep to them arguing over who’s a better chess player. When you awake, the sun is going down and you hear more voices in the corridor. You decide to venture from your room to see what all the commotion is about. 

In the sitting room stands a tall evergreen tree. Luka is wrapping sparkling tinsel around it while Albert and Max look through a box of decorations. Even Levi is there, but he seems to be supervising the three others.

“Luka, it’s all lopsided, are you blind?” Levi complains. “And why the hell are we decorating a tree with all this shit anyway?”

Before any of them can answer Levi, Max spots you in the entryway. Seeing you brace yourself against the wall, he runs over to help you.

“We wanted to surprise you and give some holiday spirit to the place,” Max says as he helps you to the sofa.

“So this is what you were up to this afternoon.” You smile at Max. “Thank you.”

Max blushes. “We just wanted to see you smile.”

You help them decorate the tree and as the evening wears on, they sing songs and read stories of Mursa’s holiday traditions, which Levi listens to with growing interest. 

And through it all, you smile. You’re so thankful for these four people and the effort they’re taking to help you, but the weight of this week still falls heavy on you. It’s almost too much for you to bear.

“I’m still feeling a bit worn-out, so I should go to bed. But thank you, all of you, for making this evening so special.”

They all walk with you to your bedroom, “Happy Jul!” and “Goodnight!” being said as everyone hugs you. 

Levi is the last one in your room but instead of leaving, he closes the door. You look at him, that same pleasant smile across your face, but he just stands there, his arms crossed.

“Stop. You don’t have to do that with me,” he says bluntly.

“What do you mean?”

“Smile like everything is fine.” He moves closer. “You’ve been through a lot. You don’t have to act like you haven’t.”

Slowly, the ends of your mouth turn downward and tears fill your eyes.

In an instant, Levi is sitting on the bed and pulling you into an embrace. He lets you cry, your tears soaking the collar of his shirt. 

Just like that, three years of pushing through and saving face come crumbling down and you let it all out with each sob.

There’s something about this man that makes you feel like you can be yourself; you can take off the mask and lay bare all your fears and anxieties. For once, you want to share those feelings with someone.

But for right now, it’s enough to be here in his arms.

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[sixpennydame]

The Better Man | Chapter 1

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Read in AO3 here

Contents/Warnings: Levi Ackerman x Fem!Reader, NSFW, MDNI, canonverse levi, aot canon divergent, angst, romantic smut, soft couple sex, former lovers, lost love, love triangle

Author’s Notes: I started this story as a one-shot, but when several people asked for a next part, I started writing. Now I have several chapters planned! I hope you’ll enjoy this - and by enjoy I mean feel like your heart’s being ripped out. 

Suggested Music:

“Please wait here in his office. Captain Levi should arrive shortly,” the officer replies as he leads you inside and closes the door. The room is spacious enough: a bookcase with various books and trinkets, a sofa, and a large desk piled with papers and files, all neatly organized, of course. You wouldn’t expect anything less from Levi.

You sink into the sofa. “This is crazy,” you sigh, placing your head in your hands. Your wedding is this week and you have a mountain of things to do, but you’ve convinced yourself that you have to do this today. So you’ve taken the journey outside Trost District to the Survey Corps headquarters. It’s now or never, and you’re nervous as hell about it. You haven’t seen Levi in over three years; in fact, until a few months ago, you’d thought he was dead.

_____

Since the moment Kenny Ackerman brought a small, malnourished child into your father’s tavern in The Underground, Levi had been a part of your life. You were both about the same age and your father barely took interest in you, so your shared loneliness made you instant comrades. Kenny would leave Levi for days at a time and it was you who would bring him food and company. Sometimes he would even sneak into your  room through the window at night, and you’d read him stories about heroes and damsels in distress. Eventually, you taught him to read those stories himself, with the little schooling you’d had. 

But Kenny had a different education for Levi in mind. With Kenny’s tutelage, Levi changed from a timid and sensitive boy to a young man who could handle any violent situation that came his way. By 16 years of age, he was one of the most feared people in The Underground. He’d stopped visiting you for years before that though, after Kenny suddenly left him and The Underground without a trace. When you were 18, your father was killed in a bar brawl and you had nowhere to go but the streets. Once again, loneliness and abandonment brought you and Levi together, and he invited you to live with him and his small gang. Years passed as his group clawed its way to the top of The Underground’s most powerful crime organization, but something else was forming. Your feelings for each other had grown past your childhood friendship, and you became known to everyone as, “Levi’s girl.” Love was a luxury that few knew in this dark city, and although neither of you had confessed these feelings to each other, both of you knew it in your hearts. Neither of you were good with words, and some things were better left unsaid.

The years went on as Levi ruled the streets and evaded the MP’s, always returning to you and the apartment you two shared together. Despite living in the hellhole that was The Underground, you were content just being with him. And then everything changed. Word spread quickly that The Survey Corps had arrested Farlan, Isabelle, and Levi. You ran there as fast as you could, but by the time you arrived, they were gone. A few hours later, men forced their way into your apartment, blindfolded you, and took you above ground. Without any explanation, they gave you fake identification papers and enough money to live on for the next 6 months. 

You tried in vain to find any information on Levi and his whereabouts as you searched from town to town, taking any odd job you could find along the way. After two years passed, any hope you had of finding him was gone, and you tried to move on with your life. You weren’t expecting to have any feelings for Lars, the handsome Survey Corpsman who frequently visited the tavern in which you worked. His personality was a complete opposite from Levi but his charm and wit slowly worked their way into your heart. When he asked you to marry him, you said yes; you were ready to have a companion again.

A few months later, Lars told you that he’d been promoted to an elite group of Survey Corps, and that he would be moved to the main headquarters near Trost. He brought you to the welcome party that was being put on for him and a few other members and introduced you to his new comrades. “But this is the man I really want you to meet.” He walks you toward a short man with dark hair. “Captain Levi, I’d like to introduce you to my fiancée.” 

He turns to look at you both, and you can feel your body go numb. Everything slows down around you and all you can see is him, your former lover. For a moment, you see a spark of emotion in his eyes, but it’s gone in an instant, and only an unfeeling stare remains. “It’s nice to meet you,” he says coldly as he shakes your hand. You hear Lars say something about how the Captain is the strongest soldier in the Survey Corps and what an honor it is to serve under him, but you’re barely listening. 

“Are you ok? You’re suddenly pale,” Lars says with concern. Levi watches silently.

“I just…it’s hot in here. I’m not feeling too well. I’m going to go back home to lay down.”

“Yes, we should go.”

“No, you stay here and celebrate with your comrades. I can make my way back,” you force a smile to Levi. “It was nice meeting you, Captain. Good luck with all your future endeavors.”

As you step outside, you stop to catch your breath. You feel like you’ve just seen a ghost, and your whole body is shaking. 

“Y/N” you hear Levi’s voice at the entrance of the tavern. He begins to walk toward you. 

“No..” you put your arm out in front of you, “…I don’t…I can’t do this,” and you turn to walk away. Levi doesn’t follow.

Since then, it’s as if a cloud follows you everywhere. You know you won’t find any peace until you confront the man who left you all those years ago, and so while Lars is out of town on family business, you find yourself at Survey Corps Headquarters, waiting in Levi’s office. 

_____

There’s footsteps in the hallway and then a pause. Levi opens the door and looks genuinely shocked to find you sitting on his sofa. You stand to face him.

He quickly composes himself. “What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be getting ready for the wedding?” He says with venom in his voice. He must have had some formal business to attend to today as he’s in his dress uniform of a long green overcoat belted at the waist, instead of the brown cropped jacket and ODM straps typical of the Corps. Levi takes off his jacket and hangs it on the coat rack. He doesn’t look at you as he crosses the room to his desk.

“I should. But I needed to talk to you.”

“Alright, talk then.” 

Your heart feels like it’s going to beat out of your chest. 

“Why did you leave me?” 

He turns, his steely grey eyes finally looking at you. “I was arrested with Farlan and Isabelle and made to join the Survey Corps. It’s not like I had a choice.”

“But that’s not the whole story, is it Levi? The same day, some men grabbed me, brought me to the surface, gave me new papers and some money and told me I was free to live above ground from now on. That was your doing, wasn’t it?”

He says nothing. You step closer. “And it doesn’t look like you’re being forced by them now, Captain,” you say sarcastically, trying to get a rise out of him, but still no response. Your voice softens, “Levi…after you were taken by the Survey Corps, they told me you were dead. Please..I just want to know the truth.��

Silence envelopes the room and you wonder if you should just leave, then Levi lets out a deep sigh. “It was better if you thought that. If I could get you to the surface, that was enough for me. I wanted you to find a better life, and I knew I couldn’t give you that. So I took a job and made a deal: I’d get arrested and join the Survey Corps if you were free to live above ground.”

There’s so many questions swirling in your mind. ”A deal?…Where are Farlan and Isabelle?”

“They’re dead.” He’s silent for a few moments, deciding how honest he should be. “They were eaten by titans because I couldn’t save them in time.”

“And yet you stayed with the Survey Corps?”

“I made a decision. It’s complicated.”

“And your decision was to disappear from my life completely? I’ve heard nothing from you for the past 3 years, and this whole time you’ve been here. You could have come looking for me.”

His body becomes tense. “Did you not hear what I just said? People live or die now based on my skill. This isn’t some fairy tale like we used to read when we were kids - where I whisk you off and we live happily ever after. The cold reality is that everyday I risk my life and see those around me get eaten by titans. I had to let you go. It’s easier….if I’m not attached to anyone.” Levi sighs, then turns to walk towards the window. “You got your answer. You should leave now.”

The coldness in his voice is like a knife to your heart. This can’t be the same man you spent countless nights with, dreaming of freedom and escape. The man who defended and took care of you all those years. You know you shouldn’t be here and that you should turn around and walk through that door, get married to Lars, and never see this man’s face again. But you want to hurt him the way he hurt you. 

“You’re a coward, Levi.”

It takes him only a few seconds, and he’s standing right in front of you, the frustration growing in his eyes. “What did you just call me?”

 “You are afraid to make any real connections to anyone. Afraid they’re going to leave you. Yes, we live in a shitty world where people leave and betray us, maybe even die. But through it all, we had each other. I gave you my whole heart, but that wasn’t enough for you.” Tears start welling up in your eyes. “Did you ever even have feelings for me? Or are you a liar as well as a coward?”

Levi grabs the back of your neck hard. “I am no coward.” His grip on your neck becomes tighter. Your pulse quickens at his touch and you can hear his breathing getting heavier. “I loved you then.”

He pulls you in closer and he can’t hold it in any longer. “I love you still.”

Your lips crash together with desperation and you feel him pushing you backwards towards the desk. When his mouth starts moving to your neck, you finally object. “Levi, we shouldn’t do-“

“I’m not concerned anymore with what we should or shouldn’t do. In this moment, in this room, you’re mine,” his low voice whispers in your ear.

For years, you’ve ached for his voice, for his touch, and you know you can’t resist him. Levi starts unbuttoning your blouse as he continues to kiss on your neck. “I won’t leave any marks.” He pulls your blouse down off of your shoulders as he kisses you clavicle, his hands moving to your back to take off your bra. 

As your bra falls to the ground, he stops to gaze at you. He says nothing - he doesn’t need to. You can see the desire in his eyes.

You pull him into you and he kisses your soft breasts, gently at first, but his kisses become harder as his eagerness for your body grows. You lean back slightly on the desk and let him kiss you all over. His hand starts lifting your skirt to find your bare thigh, slowly moving up until he’s touching you over your underwear. Your body reacts to his touch.

“Oh Lev~” you stammer, as his hand slips under the thin fabric. His touch sends shivers down your spine and your breath hitches. After all this time, he still remembers exactly what makes you feel good. He continues kissing your breasts and touching you as you moan in pleasure

His fingers move faster and your heart races. You’d forgotten how good it feels to be touched, to be desired by this man.

“Levi, I want you,” you say breathlessly. He lifts you up and takes you to the sofa. Standing over you, he begins to unbutton his crisp, white shirt. You grab the waistband of his pants and he positions himself above you.

His naked chest is like a long lost map newly recovered, so familiar yet foreign. There were new landmarks: a long, deep scar across his chiseled chest, a gouge on his right side, permanent marks from the ODM gear. You kissed each one, memorizing them as he lays you down.

Suddenly, there’s voices in the corridor. You both listen attentively as they fade away into another room. “We don’t have much time,” Levi says, still alert for any other noises.

You undo his pants and see the bulge in his underwear. He looks down at you and for the first time, he looks vulnerable, as if you have broken down all his defenses. He wants this as much as you do. So many nights he lay awake thinking of your smile, your body underneath his. And now, for one fleeting moment, he can have you again.

You move his underwear down and he positions himself on top of you. “You’re sure?” he asks gently. “Yes, Levi, please,” you respond, and with that, he lifts up your skirt. You feel his girth as it works its way inside you. He starts slow, then begins to pick up the pace, your head caged in by his arms as he kisses you passionately. You want him even closer to you, so you hug his chest into yours, as if you're afraid he’s going to disappear at any moment. You can feel his heart racing and his chest expanding; not an apparition, but flesh and blood. Neither of you say the words you want to say to each other. The only sounds in the room are your deep breaths and the sound of skin thrusting into skin. 

Levi is so in tune with you and without a word can see you’re ready to climax. He reaches down to touch you and his thrusts become deeper. Suddenly your body is drowned in pleasure, as if a wave has crashed over you. You give into the wave as it transports you out of this place and time; a place where you and he made it above ground, together. Your hand shakes as it cups his cheek. It doesn’t take long after that for Levi to find his own end and he releases on your stomach. 

You both lie on opposite ends of the sofa, in various stages of undress, unable to look at each other. Levi finally breaks the silence. “I was an asshole to not look for you, at the very least to explain myself. But I’ve chosen something here that is bigger than me, and I’ve got to see it through to the end.”

“Levi, I…” 

You want to take his head in your hands and tell him you forgive him for everything. That a part of you will always love him, no matter how much he hurt you or how far away he’ll be. But what good would any of those words do, for either of you? You decide to lock your feelings away, deep in your heart. Some things are better left unsaid. “This won’t happen again,” you say as you button up your blouse.

“I know,” he replies, pulling on his pants. “It’s better this way. For both of us.”

You refuse to let him see the tears running down your cheeks, so you keep your back to him as you walk to the door. 

“Lars is a good man. He’ll take care of you.”

Wiping the tears from your cheeks, you decide to face him. There’s a vulnerability in his eyes that tells you he’s being sincere, but there’s something else: a look that tells you this is truly the end. 

“You’re a good man, too. I hope someday you’ll see that.” You open the door, leaving the woman you once were behind, to step into your new future. 

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[sixpennydame]

North Star ✶ Chapter 1

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Read in AO3

Pairing: Levi Ackerman x OC

Content/Warnings: Canonverse Levi, post war Levi, slow burn, romantic smut, lost love, soulmates, fate, emotional angst/comfort, hurt/comfort, SPOILERS for end of Attack on Titan manga and anime season 4 conclusion

Chapter content/warnings: death, stillbirth

Two years after The Rumbling, a mysterious man comes to live in your boarding house. His body maimed and scarred, you wonder where he’s from and what he’s running from. Even more so, you wonder if he's hurting as much as you are. Can fate and love heal two broken people?

You’d met Levi Ackerman three times before he came to live in your boarding house, but you didn’t know that.

The first time was in Corsero, a port city in Marley. Martin was shipping off from here and you wanted to surprise him with a gift. You’d stopped by a bookstore to buy a book you’d been wanting for ages, but was impossible to find in the tiny village you were from, one of the small Marleyan territories in the mountainous west. You always asked Martin to buy you books when he was in the city, but now you could finally visit the bookstore yourself. 

You’d just spent hours in the shop, and were making your way happily down the street when you heard screams of, “Stop that thief!”, and, “They’re getting away with him!” Before you could even realize what was happening, you rammed straight into a man running as fast as he could while holding a small child. Your book and all your other belongings went flying as you fell to the ground. 

The man looked quickly back at you, his dark grey eyes showing just the slightest bit of remorse, and then he turned a corner and was gone. 

“What a jerk,” you thought, as a small group ran after him, no one offering to help you up. “ I guess that’s life in the city for you,” you sighed, as you collected your things and continued on your way to meet Martin. When he asked about the growing bruise on your leg, you laughed it off and told him you ran into a friend. He didn’t get the joke.

——- ✶ ——-

The second time was two weeks later. Still in Corsero, you felt so lucky that you were able to spend this time with Martin before he shipped off. You’d gotten married only two months ago, when Martin joined the Marleyan Air Force. He was your childhood sweetheart, but it took him joining the military for you to realize how much you truly loved him. Marley had been incredibly successful in all its military campaigns in the past, but who knew what the future held? This was his first major deployment and it was difficult to see him go, but as you walk with him to the port, you try to keep a brave face. 

“This’ll be over in three months. I’ll be back before you know it.”

You smile, but your eyes give it all away: you’re upset.

Martin’s eyes soften. “Cathrine, we’ve been through so much together - do you think you’re gonna get rid of me that easily?” 

You look away. He takes your chin gently to look at him. “Hey…what’s wrong?”

You swallow then take out a deep breath. “Martin…I’m pregnant.” 

He’s speechless and you can’t tell if he’s angry. Maybe he’s not ready to have a kid yet. Now you’ve just given him one more thing to worry about. “I wanted to wait to tell you until I was positively sure. But I visited a doctor today and…well…”

Martin’s face turns from shock to pure joy. “Catherine, this is amazing news. I’m gonna be a dad…I’M GONNA BE A DAD!” He screams into the crowd. Some soldiers walking by laugh and pat him on the back. “You don’t know how happy this makes me. I love you so much!”

Martin grabs you by the waist and pulls you in close, kissing you long and hard. He always smells so good - like leather and wool. You could hear soldiers passing by to get on the ship, but you aren’t ready to let him go just yet. You grab the sleeve of his uniform and press yourself harder against him. As your lips slowly move away from each other you softly say, “Don’t forget your promise. Come home safe.”

“I won’t forget. And I’ll come back to you.” 

 He picks up his duffle bag and flings it over his shoulder. As he joins the others boarding the ship, you see him give you one last look before disappearing into the crowd. You try to find him on the deck, but there are so many soldiers. You wave anyway as the ship leaves the harbor.

Feeling a bit down, you walk aimlessly down the streets until you see a small cafe. You had some time before your train left for home, so you decide to enter the establishment, the smell of coffee and baked goods luring you in. There are only a few small tables in the entire shop, so you take your coffee and pastry to the table furthest in the corner.

 “Excuse me, miss?”

You look at the table to the right of you and see a man with black hair wearing a navy blue suit. It seems that he’s brewing some tea in a small porcelain kettle.

“This is probably going to seem strange, but I think I might have run into you on the street a few weeks ago. Was that you?”

It took you a moment to realize what he was talking about. Then, it suddenly comes to you. “You were the one running down the street with that boy under your arm.”

“I was trying to get him away from a dangerous crowd and couldn’t stop. I wanted to apologize if I hurt you.”

“I appreciate that. No, I was fine - just a small bruise on my leg. What a coincidence that you’d recognize me.” 

“I have a good memory for faces.” 

“And were you able to get the boy to safety?”

“We did. But I feel like I owe you.” The man looks uncomfortable talking to you, even though he was the one who started the conversation. “Please, let me buy your drink.”

You’re surprised. Maybe everyone in the city isn’t so rude after all. “I already paid for it, but I was thinking about buying some tea to bring home. Do you have any suggestions?”

At this, the man’s grey eyes light up. “I especially like the jasmine tea they have here. The taste is subtle but flavorful. I’ll buy you a bag.”

Before you could object, the man stands up and walks to the counter. He’s shorter than you remember when he rammed into you on the street, but he has a strong presence despite his short build. As he brings the tea to your table, you stand up to thank him and notice you are the same height. 

“Let this steep for 2-3 minutes before drinking. Again, I apologize for hurting you.” With that, he turns to sit back at his table. You both finish your drinks in silence and as you walk by you smile and thank him again. He nods as you open the door to leave. 

“What are the odds of something like that happening?” you think, walking back to the  train station. 

Little did you know you’d meet him again 7 months later, and the world as everyone knew it would be changed forever.

——- ✶ ——-

You had heard of the slaughter in Liberio caused by Eren Yeager and the Paradis forces, and were relieved that Martin hadn’t been there. You’re around seven and a half months pregnant but feel like the child is going to burst through at any time. Although war was all around, this small joy gave you both some hope in the world. Martin had finished his training to become an airship pilot and that gave him more freedom to visit home, since the Marley airbase is only a day’s train ride away. Through his position, Martin had become friends with a few warriors in the Titan Unit,  which made you a bit unsettled. Not because they were Eldian - you could care less about that - but because of their dangerous, almost suicidal personalities. 

You were apprehensive to hear that Martin would be flying an airship for War Chief Reiner Braun to Paradis Island next month, in retaliation for the Liberio attack. 

“Martin, I could be in labor by then. What if you miss the birth of your own son?”

“Catherine, this is my job. Am I supposed to say no? I don’t have that right,” Martin says as he undresses from his uniform. Then he stops to look at you. “Wait…did you just say son?”

“Well, I don’t know. It’s just a hunch.” You walk over to him and melt into his arms, your head laying on his chest. “I can’t do this without you. I’m scared.”

Martin lifts your head up to look at him. “Cath, you’re one of the strongest people I know. You can do this.” He puts his forehead against yours. “God, I’d give anything to stay with you, you know I would. But we’re in a war and I need to do my part to protect you… and our son” He places his hands on your swollen belly. “We’ll get through this.”

“When this is all over, we’re gonna start that bookstore like you promised, right?” You say, cupping his face with your hand.

“It’s exactly what Mursa needs.” Martin replies with a smile. “But hey, I’m still here now. We don’t leave until the end of the month.”

——- ✶ ——-

Word travels quickly about Marley’s defeat in Paradis and the rumor of giants making their way to the mainland. You wouldn’t have believed it if Amelia, a woman with Eldian heritage who lived in your village, hadn’t secretly told you about her vision. That same afternoon you received a wire message from Martin:

I’m safe at Fort Salta. Something bad is coming. Run to the mountains.

You read his message and can feel your pulse quickening. Like hell you are going to stay away from him; Martin and the baby are all you have in the world. You pack a bag and buy a train ticket to Fort Salta Airship Research Base. You are going to bring Martin back, no matter what is coming.

Each train stop on the way to the fort is in chaos. News of the titans arriving on the coast of Marley had reached even this far west, and everyone who could was trying to escape as far south as possible. When there were no passenger trains left, you join a group of Eldians who hijack an armored train. As the train trudges up the mesa, it’s deathly silent - almost as if everyone is trying to process just exactly what is happening. 

When you finally arrive at the fort, none of you can believe your eyes.

Hundreds of airships have been gathered, while in the horizon a huge cloud of steam ambles slowly forward. You race toward the airship docking stations, yelling Martin’s name as loudly as you can. Miraculously, you find him talking with a flight crew preparing his airship for launch.

Martin can’t hide the terror in his eyes as he rushes towards you. “What the hell are you doing here?! Can’t you see what is about to happen? I told you to flee into the mountains!” 

“I’m not going without you! Let’s just get out of here, and try to get as far as possible.”

“I…can’t. I have to try and protect you and the baby…at all cost.”

“The cost of your life?” You’re screaming over the noise of the crowd.

“Yes, if that ensures that you both are alive. We have to try.” He hugs you close, and you can feel him shaking. You start sobbing uncontrollably.

As he hugs you for what might be the last time, he whispers in your ear, “There are stables on the north wing of the fort. Take a horse and get as far away from here as possible. You have to keep living.” 

He kisses you, tears forming in the corners of his eyes. “I love you,Catherine.”

“Reader, let’s go, it’s now or never!”, you hear an officer call out to Martin. 

“Go to the stables, now,�� he commands, and then turns to walk towards his ship. 

“Martin!” you yell out, but he can’t hear you over the fort commander talking through the loudspeaker and he doesn’t look back. 

You watch as the airships packed with explosives depart the airfield. Following them, you run outside, and that’s when you see it: countless titans with no skin and a huge, centipede-like bone creature looming over them. The airships release their bombs before they even reach the monster and suddenly, there’s boulders being thrown by something growing from the monster’s spine. In a matter of seconds, the entire squadron is up in flames and debris from the airships begins falling from the sky. 

For a brief moment, everyone on the ground, the soldiers and refugees, go quiet. Then they all start screaming. The Eldians run for refuge behind the walls of the fort, and the remaining Marleyan soldiers point their guns toward them. Everything descends into chaos as you look up to see a small airplane headed toward the titans. 

You’re in shock. You haven’t even processed the fact that Martin is gone and that you all are about to be crushed. 

Then you remember the stables and Martin telling you to survive. 

You start running towards the north end of the fort when a stabbing pain from your abdomen stops you in your tracks. You look down to see blood running down your leg. 

“Oh god, no-” , is all you can say before you double over in indescribable pain. You start screaming - the pain is so bad that you can hardly see straight. 

You feel a pair of hands around your shoulders as someone says, “We need to get her to a room, quickly. I think she’s having a baby!!” 

Another voice says, “She’s losing a lot of blood, what do we do?”, as you slowly lose consciousness.

——- ✶ ——-

You wake up in a large room you don’t recognize. It’s hot, and your lips are dry and parched. You try to sit up and get your bearings, but you feel incredibly dizzy. As your eyes adjust, you look around. There are beds with injured soldiers and civilians, some bandaged and unconscious and others sitting and talking to each other.

“Where am I?” you wonder out loud.

“You’re at Fort Salta. A doctor or nurse should be back around soon.”

You turn to your left to see the man talking to you. His head is wrapped in bandages and you can only see one eye. Blood is seeping out of the wrappings on his left knee. He offers you some water.

“What happened?”, you manage to say between huge gulps.

“It’s over. The titans are gone, though at a heavy cost.” The man looks away.

You wanted to ask him how the titans were defeated and what happened to the bone creature, but a doctor arrives at your cot. You sit fully up to greet him.

“Don’t try to get up just yet. You lost a lot of blood and are going to feel weak and dizzy for a while.”

Your hands go toward your belly. It’s soft. You feel empty. “And…the baby…?”

“I’m sorry, but the baby was born prematurely. Had this happened at a hospital we would have had the tools to save him, but with these circumstances…” he looks at you sympathetically, “it just wasn’t possible.” 

Everything stops for a moment. 

Did you hear that right?

“It’s chaos right now and we don’t even know how many people survived this. Miss, did you come here with any family? Is there someone we can try to contact?”

“Mrs.”, you correct him. Your head is swimming and it’s hard for you to even form coherent sentences. “I’m married…Martin Reader…my husband…was an airship captain. Did anyone Airship Corps survive?”

The doctor’s tone becomes dark. “I’m sorry, but there were no survivors.”

Just hearing that out loud, it becomes real.

 Martin is gone. 

The baby is gone. 

In whatever world that has survived through this, you have no one. And it’s like a dam has been released. You begin crying uncontrollably.

“Please ma’am, pull yourself together. We’ve all lost someone here.”

“Let the woman grieve,” the bandaged man says. “What does it matter to you how she does it?”

The doctor turns to walk away awkwardly. “Someone will bring food soon.” 

You curl up on your cot and cry into the night. The man next to you says nothing.

You refuse the dinner the nurses bring you, and breakfast the next day. You barely leave the cot and all you want to do is sleep.

“Hey. You need to eat something”, you hear from the man. He’s holding a small bowl of stew and some bread.

“I’m not hungry. And what do you care, anyway?” you reply, your back turned to him.

“I’ve seen enough people die needlessly. And your body needs food to heal itself.”

“I’ve lost everything. My husband. My child. What’s the point of even continuing in this world? I have nothing and no one.”

“Because he would want you to keep living. That’s how we honor those who are gone: We keep pushing forward. The world is pretty fucked up right now but your part in it isn’t over.”

You turn toward the man. They’ve changed his bandages but only one grey eye is still visible and he looks at you intently.

“Is that what you’re going to do? Keep pushing forward?”

“It’s all I’ve ever known to do.”

As you continue to look at him, you see a deep sadness in his eye. You can tell that this man has suffered great loss as well, but you know better than to ask.

“Now eat. It’s getting cold,” he says as he lays the food next to you on your cot. 

You pick up the bowl and start to eat. 

You don’t see the man much after that. Some people that visit him regularly have found a wheelchair and offer to take him outside in the fresh air. 

The next day, the doctor decides that you are well enough to be released. Although you are afraid to go back home, you’re ready to leave this sad place. As you pack up a change of clothes the nurses brought you, the bandaged man is brought to his bed by a young girl pushing his wheelchair.

“So you’re finally getting out of here?” he asks.

“The doctor says I’m well enough to leave. Although I’m not sure I even have a home to go back to.”

“Where are you from?”

“Mursa. It’s a small village deep in the mountains north east of here.” 

“It may have been far enough behind this fort that it wasn’t affected. I’ve heard some say that most of the southwestern Marleyan territories were spared. But you may have to take a wagon there. All trains stopped running until they repair the tracks.”

“I’ll see what transportation I can find. And what are you going to do?”

“While my leg is like this there’s not much I can do. But I have some comrades I can stay with until I heal.”

“You’re a soldier?”

“I was. Not anymore.” He looks down at his leg. 

“Captain!” you hear someone yell out to the man. So he’s an officer. You wonder if Martin knew him and you almost ask him. But what would that matter now?

“I hope you find some peace,” you say, as you reach out to shake his hand.

 “Keep pushing forward,” he replies.

You find a wagon that’s going west to the base of the mountains. Finding a space to sit down in the cramped space, you think of the bandaged man. 

“I never even asked him his name,” you say to yourself as the wagon starts with a jolt.

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