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mar-ginalia · 1 year

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Kushiel’s Dart, Kushiel’s Chosen and Kushiel’s Avatar by Jacqueline Carey. Ooof, that was a lot of pages. Spoilers ahoy for all three books in Phèdre’s trilogy.

It’s a damn shame I disregarded these books for such a long time, thinking they’re some kind of kitschy erotica with “rippling abs” and the like. Yup, there’s a lot of sex in it, some of it kinky, some of it downright disturbing. At its core, though, it’s an intricate, character-driven political fantasy with coherent worldbuilding, compelling characters, and a ton of feels.

The court drama/political intrigue/game of thrones was amazing! Carey clearly had a long game in mind, setting up players, grudges, and interests early on, often in a subtle, non-obvious was. Sure, sometimes I was a bit overwhelmed with the abundance of names thrown my way, having to check the dramatis personae often in the beginning, but my effort paid off in the end. Uncovering the layers of the story was really satisfying.

Oh, Phèdre, it took a while to like you, but once it clicked between us, I became your champion (at least when I was not siding with Joscelin and his common sense). I guess it was Carey’s intent to make the readers uncomfortable with her life choices and sexual preferences. But there’s so much more to Phèdre than what she does in the bedroom. She’s smart, empathetic and fiercely loyal. I also appreciated that the author never forced her to become a warrior. Her skills lie elsewhere and she knows her limitations. She proves time and time again that “That which yields is not always weak”.

As for the uncomfortable part… this book really challenged me. I consider myself an open-minded, sex-positive person, but reading about some of Phèdre’s assignments made me really, REALLY queasy. I tried to analyze these feelings afterwards and I figured the worst part for me was not the violence itself, but the humiliation Phèdre experienced – and welcomed. It was hard to read how her body betrayed her, reacting with arousement to things she considered degrading.

A BDSM courtesan spy and a celibate warrior priest? Ahhh, I knew I was going to love this pairing before they did, lol. The angst, the drama, the love, the fierce loyalty, the contradicting needs... Their story developed beautifully it all its dramatic, impossible glory across the three books.

Phèdre and Joscelin’s arc is a reminder that we can’t really change the core of who we are and what we like. Repressing one’s needs and renouncing one’s identity – for a partner or for society’s acceptance – will always end badly. As weird as it sounds, this over-the top, whimsical fantasy series shows pretty well what can happen in a relationship between two people with drastically different desires and identities.

Joscelin, my bby. He started out as a cliché paladin – haughty, judgmental and slut-shamey, with a giant stick up his bottom. It’s amazing what captivity among the Skaldi can do to a person, though. To me, a paladin-like character becomes interesting once he errs. And boy, did Joscelin err. One by one, he broke his oaths, except for the one that mattered the most – to protect and serve.

And protect and serve he did. Although he becomes the second most important character, he’s always one step behind Phèdre – she leads and he follows. I loved their dynamic. They both knew each other’s strengths and weaknesses, and worked together well even when there was resentment between them.

Some people complain about the flowery, detail-oriented prose. I liked it once I got the hang of it. It reads like a memoir or a spoken account by Phèdre, years after the events in question. Sure, there are annoying repetitions (“FOR I AM D’ANGELINE!”!!! Yes, Phèdre, you only mentioned it a million times already) and it’s clear the author spent some quality time with a thesaurus, but to me the language matches the over-the-topness of Terre d’Ange and the story itself.

The part I liked the least was the second half of book 3. I liked Hyacinthe well enough in book 1, when he actually appeared on page. Had he appeared in more than Phèdre’s memories later on, I would have cared more about the quest to save him. Freeing him after his prolonged absence from the story didn’t pack an emotional punch for me. And don’t even get me started on Phèdre’s willingness to choose him near the end. At this point I guess you have to be heartless not to weep over Phèdre and Joscelin’s impossible, harrowing journey (esp. their ordeal in Dursanga…). Seriously, am I supposed to believe that she would ditch him for her childhood friend after everything they went through – and everything the readers experienced alongside them, as opposed to Hyacinthe’s off-screen plight? Weird, especially in a book that seems so aware of people’s feelings and motivations.

Queen Ysandre was meh. I guess at this point in my life I just can’t enjoy court drama as much as I used to because I can’t see monarchy in a positive light anymore (too much class consciousness, lol). A “wise, just monarch” is a) a boring character; b) an impossible one. There simply can’t be justice in such a stratified society. I rolled my eyes hard when Ysandre presented Phèdre with the Companion’s Star, allowing her to “address her as equal in public”. These are empty, meaningless words. The power gap between them is unbridgeable. Ysandre may even imagine they are actual friends but it’s just impossible. Phèdre constantly worrying “what will Ysandre think” and “how will she react” sometimes made me more uncomfortable than the humiliation she endured at the hands of her patrons and captors, and that’s saying something.

There’s a lot more enjoyable things in these books (religion and the way it’s always present in the characters’ actions – after all, both Phèdre and Joscelin are deeply spiritual people in their own way; the richness of the world-building; secondary characters; and many, many more). If I were to list them all, this post would never end.

Sure, there were things I rolled my eyes at or actively disliked, plenty of “pRoBlEmAtIc” content (the purity police would have a collective stroke reading the series) etc. but I’m too old to focus on that. My favorite criterion these days when rating various media is “how much bad stuff am I willing to disregard” and it works like a charm. These books stayed with me for a long time after I was done. They gave me a ton of feels and things to ponder regarding sexuality, consent, social constructs, relationships and what is considered “the norm”. I didn’t expect the latter, but I’m grateful for it.

There’s two more trilogies in this world but I’m saving them for another time. This post is my personal closure for now. Love as thou wilt and peace out!

#kushiel’s dart #kushiel's legacy #kushiel's chosen #kushiel's avatar #kushiel spoilers #phèdre nó delaunay #joscelin verreuil #mar reads books

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sanjoongie · 2 months

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𝔚𝔥𝔢𝔫 𝔗𝔥𝔢 𝔖𝔢𝔞 𝔞𝔫𝔡 𝔱𝔥𝔢 𝔐𝔬𝔲𝔫𝔱𝔞𝔦𝔫 𝔐𝔢𝔱

@pirateeznet 's Secret Admirer event

🏔For @staytinyville, i hope you enjoy this, i had fun weaving this tale for you 💞 sorry it was late once again

🌊Pairing: Njord! Prince! Jeong Yunho x Skaldi! Princess! Reader (f)

🏔Genre: smut, angst (happy ending), fluff

🌊Au: Norse mythology au, njord and skaldi au, mythology retelling au, royal au, medieval au, historical au

🏔Trope: strangers to lovers, opposites attract

🌊Warnings: mentions of parent's death, mentions of someone falling deathly ill, hand kink HELLO, fingering (f), wall sex, penetrative sex with no barrier, nipple play, big dick! yunho

🏔Word count: 5,178

🌊Beta's:

🏔Summary: upon your father's murder, a council allows you to choose a husband as recompense--based on what his hands look like. Yunho, a prince of the sea, and you, a princess of the mountains, are as opposite as you can get, so can you make the marriage work?

🌊Author's Note: the story of Skaldi, a giantess and goddess of the mountain and her husband, Njord, God of the Sea, intrigued me enough to want to try a re-telling. I changed the feet to hands, in choosing a husband, and who is better to use that than mofo jeong yunho

Once upon a time, when the world was young, a woman experienced a father's death and was repaid with a choice of her husband.

"But you must choose by his hands."

The woman chose hands that were callused, for surely a strong husband would come from those hands.

Instead, she chose the man who couldn't be more than the opposite of her. This is a retelling of their story.

You stared intently at the set of hands in front of you. Each owner of said hands were behind a heavy curtain so that you could not pick your future husband based on his appearance but based solely on his hands.

You were hoping for San, if truth be told. You wanted the happy prince who was also known to throw himself into work with his fellow peasants. You wanted to add his giggles to your empty castle, now with your father gone.

There was one set of hands that continued to draw you back. They were long and lovely but also they had calluses; they had seen hard work. Surely they belonged to San? Without another thought, you pointed to the hands you had been admiring and hoped for the best.

The curtain parted and… instead of San’s pleased smile that he had been chosen, you were met with the wide eyes of Yunho’s. The two of you stared at each other, unable to comprehend that you were to be wed to the prince who lived by the sea, the complete opposite to your mountainous upbringing.

“Wait--!”

"No, princess, this is your choice,” The counselor preceding over your choice proclaimed. “The death of your father is repaid. You have a husband now.”

You and Yunho were ushered into an antechamber to sign the papers and a small ceremony made it official. It was clear everyone wanted you out of here before you demanded even more over the death of your father.

“First, you should live in the domain of your husband,” The priest informed you. “You need to understand who he is before you take him to your home.”

The plan was to spend ten days at Yunho's place by the sea and you were already not looking forward to it. The sea was not your favorite place. And once you arrived, it really just confirmed how you felt.

Except now there was Yunho.

Yunho was a shy prince. He dined with you in the morning, offering options of how you could spend the hours of your day. The walk along the shore was hardly what you would consider romantic. You struggled under the shifting sands, always managing to carry some home with you. The squawking of the seabirds always interrupted your questions towards Yunho in order to learn more about your new husband and his home. You couldn't even appreciate some of the cliffs by the sea, the closest thing to home for you, because of the bashing of the cursed waves against the walls of stone. You were starting to think the gods were playing with you; that they still wanted you to suffer.

“Princess?” Yunho brought you back to reality.

You had picnic-ed in the dunes beside the sea with a sturdy blanket and practically everything weighed down so that the hefty winds didn’t blow away anything you planned on dining on or with.

“Apologies, Yunho, what did you say?” You wondered, sipping the strawberry rhubarb wine.

“There’s a story that they tell of how the first king was found. It was said that he would never become king. The prophecy said that when the fishermen of the area would find a diamond in the sands, then their king would finally be found.”

You scoffed at the fanciful tale. “Sounds like no one wanted a king to be found.”

Yunho laughed. “One would think. But truly, what the purpose of the story is, is that kings can be found but the right king, a good one for the people and for the kingdom, is like a diamond in the sand.”

You thoughtfully ate a tiny sandwich--emphasis on the sand part of the sandwich--and attempted to not wince at the grit in your mouth. “So a good king was found?”

Yunho shrugged, blinking furiously when wind blew hair in front of his face. His hands attempted to push it back and you were momentarily distracted. Those hands had been your downfall. “Oh, we had kings alright, but no one has truly found the diamond in the sand.”

Yunho had yet to touch you with those hands. You hadn't consummated your marriage but you were sure that had more to do with this poorly-worded trial period than anything else. Ten days to learn about your husband and ten days for him to learn of you in your realm. The marriage wasn’t made for two romantic fools, it was a settlement on reparations done to you. The lost of your father still panged in the depths of your heart but Yunho’s ‘love’ hadn't done anything to settle the lose, truly. Perhaps your heart wasn’t truly into it. Perhaps--

Yunho sighed and began to pack up. He was used to you losing yourself in your thoughts. “Back to the castle then? I’m sure your handmaiden could prepare a cool room for you.”

Ah, the disappointment coating your husband’s words. “Yunho, I--”

Yunho shook his head. “Do not worry about it, Princess. You head back. I’ll clean this up.” Yunho held out your parasol with a face that didn’t speak of his disappointment at all.

The two of you spoke the same language but it always seemed like you never understood each other. Yunho was patient and you attempted to show interest in his world but you compared everything; it couldn't be helped.

Yunho’s world was too windy, too warm, too loud, too much. You were used to solitude, you were used to your halls in the mountains. This world Yunho loved so much was too much for you. You often found yourself pulling back to the comfort of your tower that Yunho had declared was yours. He thought the height would help you remind you of home and it did, but in the worst ways. You simply pinned for home that much more.

Before you knew it, the final night in Yunho’s home was upon you. You wanted to go home so badly but you didn’t want to lay it on Yunho. So you smiled politely as he brought you through the town around the castle, a bustling morning market that had you avoiding the touch of the crowd so much that Yunho knew he had failed you once again.

“Princess?” Yunho offered his hand to you. He had one final plan to enact.

You cautiously gave Yunho your hand and he protectively pulled you into an enclave away from the crowds. Yunho’s height allowed him to tower over you. Suddenly you were very, very close to your husband but he didn’t let go of your hand.

Yunho sent a hopeful smile your way and you felt a jolt in your chest. What the hell was that? “If you will allow me one more excursion tonight? I promise, I have one final surprise that I would like to share with you. It is my favorite. I left the best for last.”

You bowed your head. “Of course, husband,” you agreed.

The day dragged by. The food that had been hand chosen by you and Yunho had been cooked for a midday meal and Yunho showed you bright gardens cultivated behind the walls of the castle. You smiled and listened politely but you couldn't help but think of what kind of surprise Yunho had been hiding you all this time. Why not surprise you the first night to impress you? Your husband was still a mystery to you, it seemed.

The sun set and you waited in your rooms for your husband to retrieve you. And you waited. And waited. Then you began to pace. Was this waiting on purpose? Was he looking to vex you? After hours passed, you were about to rip the hinges off your door and storm the castle looking for your husband before he politely knocked on your door. You smoothed your hair back, picking something off the skirt of your dress and let your handmaiden know your husband could enter.

Yunho’s eyes sparkled with excitement. “You will need those hiking boots of yours, Princess, and a change of clothes. This is not a dress excursion.”

Yunho led you to the sea and you were beginning to think that your husband truly didn’t understand you. He was simply taking you to every place in his kingdom and expecting you to love it. You weren’t sure if this was going to work, if at all. You couldn't simply throw away what was given to you. It somehow belittled your father’s death. But could you take a lifetime of this?

With a hand raised with a lantern, and your hand in his other, Yunho led you inside of a cliffside cave. For a while, there was only the soft sound of the water dripping down stalactites and the squeak of the lantern on its handle. Yunho didn’t feel the need to fill the air with conversation and you were stewing in your thoughts, if you were being honest.

But when the tunnel through the cave opened up into a larger room, your jaw couldn't help but fall to the floor. Inside was a pool of calm water that almost perfectly reflected the night sky through an opening in the roof. You could see the moon, the constellations your father had taught you, even some fluffy clouds as they floated across the night’s sky. It was beautiful.

“They say this place used to be the home to mermaids. One of my great grandfather’s married one apparently. This place has been kept sacred ever since.” Yunho’s eyes had been raised to the sky but then he lowered them to yours. “Do you like it?”

You opened your mouth but found that you had no words. At least, you had none of the easy words that had been tearing down Yunho and his home piece by piece. “It’s lovely,” You managed.

Yunho allowed himself to smile hesitantly. “Do you know the story about the god who froze their toe and it became a constellation in the sky?”

You moved towards the pool and sat at the edge of it. You were completely comfortable looking at the sky through the portal of the water. “That one always made me laugh as a child. Now I shudder at freezing a toe and breaking it off.”

Yunho sat beside you, dimming the lantern so you two could see the sky’s reflection clearly. “Ah, I suppose that’s a worry from where you’re from.”

You nodded, pushing some hair out of your face. “Yunho…”

Yunho shook his head. “I know we leave for your home tomorrow.”

Yunho’s soft world was not like yours at all. You worried for him. “I don’t expect to find it beautiful,” You admitted.

Yunho smiled somewhat bittersweetly. “Like you didn’t find mine?”

You sighed. “Your world is too much. Too much sun, too much noise, it’s not what I’m used to.”

Yunho's hand beside yours twitched. His pinky moved but his hand did not. “I tried. I shared with you everything I love. I wanted you to be happy, if that means anything.”

“It’s not your fault, Yunho,” You allowed. “I did pick you, after all.”

“You didn’t want me though,” Yunho said.

“You didn’t want me to pick you!” You retorted with a laugh.

Yunho half-laughed with you. “Well, I didn’t expect you to pick me, that’s for sure.”

You cocked your head. Your hand moved a little closer to his. “You’re the one with the pretty hands that are also callused. It’s your fault really.”

Yunho chuckled. His hand moved until both your pinkies were touching. “I still work the fishing boats every Manadagr morning.” He looked at you through the corner of his eye. “And what do you mean my hands are pretty?”

You winced. You had not meant for that to slip. “You know…” you let the uncertain air hang between you two.

Yunho nudged you with his shoulder. “No, I really don’t.”

You sighed again but picked up one of his hands. You played with his lithe fingers, feeling birds thrash against your ribcage. “They’re hard working hands but they’re pretty. I want…” If only your father could see you now, your courage failing you simply because your heart was betraying you right now.

Yunho grasped both of your hands between his. “You want?” He prompted you.

You swallowed hard, not sure if you had it in yourself to tell your husband you lusted after his hands. “Yunho, I--”

“We haven’t kissed since we became husband and wife,” Yunho blurted out. His eyes widened at his own words and then you watched as redness crept up his ears.

That was the second time you were speechless tonight.

Yunho let go of your hands, dropping them like they were hurting him, and mumbled about going back now.

“Yunho, wait!” You stood up to stop him.

“I’m sorry you don’t feel the same way, but I really like you!” Yunho blurted out again. “I’ve planned all these outings and every time I only seemed to annoy you or let you down. I’ve felt your bad mood darken and develop like a storm in the middle of the sea get worse as it came closer to the coast. I won’t apologize for trying to woo you but I want you to love me!”

It was as if an arrow from Ullr hit your heart. So instead of speaking, since you were failing in that regard, you let your body speak for you. You wrapped your arms around Yunho’s neck, pulled him down and you kissed him. You didn’t kiss him with passion and lust but rather with a need to tell him that he had been enough.

Yunho looked so confused when you released him that you had to giggle. If you had thought his ears were red before, they now appeared as hot as iron in the forge. “Your ears get red when you’re embarrassed, Husband. Do my kisses embarrass you?”

Yunho’s eyes avoided yours but a smile he couldn't fight was pulling at the corners of his lips. “Your kisses do not embarrass me.”

“No?” You teased, leaning to the side to capture his gaze.

Suddenly, Yunho went from an embarrassed man to a dangerous one. His eyes were dark. “No.”

You raised your chin defiantly. “Then prove me wrong.”

Yunho cupped your head between his beautiful hands and then kissed you. His kiss was different. It was soft but it was deep. His tongue sought out yours and you met him halfway. His kiss pulled the lust that was bubbling deep in your womb. You pushed onto your toes again, meeting his kisses with lust of your own and Yunho moaned into your mouth.

His hands steadied your hips and he broke the kiss. With his forehead pressed to yours, he panted against your lips. “Will you let me make you mine?”

“Only if you’ll let me claim you,” You countered.

Yunho’s eyes traveled over your face. You didn’t know what he was looking for but whatever he found there, it seemed to satisfy him. “I didn’t mean to lure you here to seduce you,” He admitted, as if he was half apologizing that your first time together would be in a cave.

“I may be a princess, Husband, but I am no soft woman. I’ve fucked in worse places,” You snickered.

Yunho’s eyes widened before he half smiled at your boldness. “Then let me have you by the sea and the sky and let the gods witness our consummation of our marriage.”

You impulsively grabbed Yunho’s hand and sucked on his middle and index fingers. Your tongue swirled around his long digits and you said huskily. “Show me why I picked these pretty hands, husband.”

Yunho’s now slick fingers reached under your pants and pressed to your clit. You tossed your head back in ecstasy as he easily rubbed you, warming you up from the inside out.

You guided his other hand to grope your breast and you watched in awe as his fingers nimbly pulled at the tie at your chest in order to spill your breast out for him. He neatly tugged and pulled and played with your nipple.

His fingers became bolder as they dipped lower to find your own slick dripping from between your folds. “Wife of mine, why are you so wet?”

You moaned. “You, Yunho, it’s all because of you.”

“Do my fingers give you that much pleasure?” Yunho teased you lightly.

“They look so pretty against my body,” You admitted.

Yunho whirled you around suddenly, your back to his chest. It gave you an easy view of Yunho twirling your nipple in one hand and his other playing with your cunt. You swallowed hard, suddenly very tempted by your own husband’s hands.

“Will you come undone simply from my hands playing with you, princess?” Yunho wondered, his voice husky against the shell of your ear.

Your mind was silent and empty, with only one voice chanting ‘feels so good feels so good feels so good’ over and over. You had a one track mind, and it was coming against Yunho’s fingers. You gyrated your hips into the motions of Yunho’s fingers. Your first orgasm came easy, tempted from the nimble hands that had condemned you to your current fate.

Your hand went behind you, behind Yunho’s neck, for support as you trembled against his chest. “Oh Yunho, oh gods, it’s so goddamn good, Hel’s left tit.”

“I'm not sure if I should be proud of that,” Yunho laughed behind you.

“Oh, you should be proud of that,” You assured him. “I can’t brag of many men that could get me to climax that fast.”

Yunho pulled his fingers from you and you turned your head and watched as he cleaned them diligently. He hummed as if he had a taste of honeyed wine and you pressed your lips together. “Will you take me now?”

With Yunho’s other hand, he cupped your face and ran his thumb against your lips. “I would see your face when I bring you to your next peak,” Yunho informed you.

You nodded and immediately Yunho’s hands went around your waist to hoist you upwards. You had no choice but to wrap your legs around Yunho’s waist as he sought a section of cave wall that wasn’t dripping with water.

Yunho's hands dived into your hair to hold your head in place as he kissed you again. Yunho was hungry for you. His lips went from pink to red as they became swollen from the kissing. His tongue twirled around yours, looking to intertwine with every part of you. He only set you down so that you could strip your pants off and he could push his down to his thighs. You pulled at the rest of your shirt, giving Yunho complete access to your chest.

Your back was pressed up against the wall again, legs around his waist, except now Yunho’s curved, glorious cock was pressed up against you. “Yunho,” You cooed his name.

“I’ll go slow; so slow. I’ll be careful,” Yunho promised.

Yunho's hand tilted your head so that he could place kisses along your neck as he rubbed the underside of his dick against your wetness. His kisses continued along your jaw as his cock slid downwards. You held your breath to wait for him to penetrate you but Yunho simply fucked his cock between your thighs, the top of his cock now getting a good coating.

“What if I don’t want it slow?” You growled.

Yunho laughed, his shoulders shaking under your hands. “I must. You can endure it, surely?” He tilted his head flirtatiously, although it was still a challenge directed to you.

Yunho didn’t wait for you to answer, he brushed the head of his cock against your hole. You cocked your hips to give him easier access and you both moaned loudly as he entered you. Yunho spent equal time watching your face as he watched his cock make its way into you. He slid inch by precious inch with dedication only a man with grace could manage. You wiggled your hips and whined, but Yunho simply cupped your face and pushed a thumb into your mouth to silence.

Yunho braced himself against the wall with his free hand and reached under one of your legs to cock it so that you were spread even wider for him. “Let’s make the motion of the ocean jealous.”

“Gods, Yunho,” You cried out.

His hips worked between your legs that were stuttering at best. Your cunt fought him for every inch he could manage. Yunho was soon sweating and stuttering. “You’re so--gods, so tight! I--” He moaned, biting down on his lower lip. “Your warmth encompasses me so completely.”

“I never imagined being with you would be so consuming,” You whispered to him.

“I have needed you for such a long time,” Yunho told you, kissing you sweetly. “I thought you would never let me touch you.”

“I would never let these hands not touch me, husband,” You informed him.

Yunho paced himself inside of you. He didn’t pound into you until you indicated to him that your climax was approaching. “I’ll not last any longer than you,” Yunho admitted, “I’ll follow your lead.”

With that said, Yunho reached under your other leg and you had nothing to brace against except the wall behind your back. Yunho had complete control of the pace and it was grueling. He fucked you mercilessly, the slapping of skin against skin echoing against the rock walls. With a scream, you came hard, and Yunho was good on his word. He came as soon as your pussy walls fluttered around him. He gasped, high pitched and desperate.

The two of you came down slowly, breaths intersecting each other as you kissed lazily. Yunho’s thrusts came to a stop eventually and he let down one leg, then the other, leaning back to pull his softening cock from your cunt.

You gathered your pants and tied back up your shirt. “Yunho…”

“I’m sorry,” Yunho squeaked.

Your head shot up to look at your husband. His ears were red-hot and his eyes were shaking slightly. “Sorry for what? For giving your wife your seed? For giving her a climax? What’s to apologize for?”

“I--I don’t know what took over me!” Yunho said with wide eyes. “I just knew I had to bring you to your climax and you looked so pretty with your eyebrows furrowed and your mouth parted, I simply wanted to come with you as well, I--” Yunho laughed at himself, scratching the back of his neck. “I’m making a fool of myself, aren’t I?”

“Yunho.” You grabbed his hand between yours and kissed it. “You are fine. Everything is fine. You were wonderful.”

Yunho smiled, then wiped his face blank, then smiled again. “You were wonderful,” he murmured, biting his lower lip again.

“Will you escort me back to my room?” You suggested.

“Will you hold my hand?” Yunho replied.

You both knew the answers to your questions.

Your trip to the mountains was a different one from the sea. You and Yunho huddled inside a carriage for the better part of the day. Which was fine between the two of you. You kissed and giggled and acted like newlyweds, finally. You had Yunho and some heavy fur coverings and you were heading to your childhood home, where you would reside for all of the winter months. You had no worries hanging over your head. You had been too drunk on love to realize that as much as you hated Yunho’s world, the same would be true for him.

That evening, in your grand, empty hall the two of you dined. You were at one end and Yunho in your father’s seat. You were so far apart, neither of you talked much. The servants offering each course and the clatter of utensils against plates were the only sounds in the vast space.

You had a gnawing uncertainty in your gut but it was quickly banished when Yunho came to your bed that night. You rode Yunho in your childhood bed, rocking your hips and making him hold your breasts in place as you coaxed the both of you to an easy climax. You fell asleep in Yunho’s arms and thought everything was right in the world.

Except it wasn’t for Yunho.

It was worse because he always attempted to brush it off. You would watch him smile brightly when you asked him if he was cold, but then he would frown and run his hands up and down his arms. He denied getting lost and insisted he wished to see the sweeping views your castle offered. He told you it was picture perfect but you had a sense he simply wished to go back inside.

Not that inside was any better. You offered him walks along the long corridors lined with your ancestor’s portraits. He yawned as you explained each of their hard-earned exploits at protecting this castle. He glanced cursory over the fine treasures that your family had accumulated during their reign.

Eventually, you two spent less and less time with each other. You began to spend long hours in your father's study, writing letters to your vassals to be sent by carrier pigeon. You weren’t entirely sure what Yunho did with his free time, but you often caught him staring off into the air, like he wasn’t even present.

You watched your glowing prince of the shore fade. It killed you when you made love and could see the tired circles under his eyes. And still Yunho would smile at you and insist that he was alright. Yunho would stop showing up for dinner. When he collapsed on his way to your bedroom one evening, that was the end of the line.

You immediately sent Yunho away. He was bundled up in the same carriage that had brought the two of you to the mountains. Your wise woman traveled with him to inform the doctor’s in Yunho’s land of what ailed the prince. You promised with a soft kiss, careful of how frail Yunho appeared, to follow him as soon as you could.

The first month when you didn’t show up, Yunho sent a letter. He made plenty of excuses on your behalf. He understood you had to rule in your father’s stead and you had been away for a while by meeting with the council and visiting his kingdom. Then when a month turned into two, he asked about your health, which was fine. Then the third month, your husband showed up on your doorstep, banging on your bedroom door.

“Yu-yunho!” You stuttered, shocked to find your husband in your castle, let alone in your kingdom.

“What have I done now?” He raged. “Why have you not come back for me?”

You were taken aback by his questions and his anger. You had never seen this side of Yunho before. Your mouth opened and closed but you found that you could form no words. Your husband was always making you speechless.

“I promise you I’m not a sickly individual. You needn’t worry about our heirs. It was just a lapse. I can do better!” Yunho informed you as he strode into your room.

You quietly closed your door and watched as Yunho paced in your room. His hands moved around as he spoke and you cursed yourself for always being drawn to them.

“Yunho,” You said his name quietly, gathering up his hands. You kissed the back of each hand and looked up at him forlornly. “Living with me made you sick. It was your love for me that made you fade. I don’t want you to die.”

Yunho blinked at you, a cute moment that you had to push away because of the serious discussion. “What?”

“You can’t live here. It’s detrimental to your health. I can’t live with you, it would drive me insane. We simply aren’t meant to be. I think it would be better if we--”

“No.” Yunho shook his head. “No, I will not get a divorce.”

You frowned. “Yunho, we must.”

“No!” Yunho said more forcefully. He gathered you to his chest, with your head against his breast. You could hear the beating of his heart, quick but firm. “I won’t let you.”

You allowed yourself one more moment in your husband's arms and then you pushed him away gently. “It’s not meant to be, Yunho. We’ll only end up miserable with each other. I don’t ever want our love to twist into hatred.”

Yunho’s lips dipped downwards and it looked like he was fighting some tears. “But I love you.”

You felt your throat tighten. “I know you do.”

“Don’t you love me too?�� He pressed.

“I do but it’s not enough. My love won’t keep you healthy. My love isn’t a sustenance which you can live on. My love--”

Yunho cupped your cheeks with both hands, your head feeling tiny in his large hands. His thumbs rubbed against your cheeks. When had you started crying? “I can’t take care of you, Yunho. It’s all I want and yet I’m not capable.”

“I don’t care what it takes,” Yunho said. “I will build a castle at the halfway point between our kingdoms. We will make every official travel to us to deal with the problems of both kingdoms. But I cannot remain separated from you. I will die from that, that I can promise you. You don’t want me to die from a broken heart, do you?”

You tipped your head up, to see Yunho’s half smile, part somber and part hopeful. You loved him, you loved him with all your heart, you knew that. But wouldn’t your love kill the both of you? Spirit, body and mind?

Yunho shook his head. “Don’t think with your mind, for once, think with your heart.”

“Yunho--”

Yunho put a finger over your mouth. “Husband,” he quietly corrected you.

You admitted defeat. You knew you would also die from a broken heart if you couldn't spend the rest of your days on Midgard with Yunho, with your husband. You barely survived your father’s death, you couldn't handle another loss.

“I love you, husband of mine,” You whispered.

With a choked sob, Yunho gathered you in his arms once again, hugging you tightly and kissing the crown of your head. The soft kisses turned into hard ones, Yunho desperate for you, hungry for you, since he hadn't been with you for months. You moaned into his mouth and pressed your body even tighter against his.

“Will you let me make you mine?” You echoed the words Yunho had once spoken to you in the sea cave.

“Only if you’ll let me claim you,” Yunho repeated your words back to you.

“Then let me have you by the mountains and the rocks and let the gods witness our love for each other,” You said, solemnly. “You never know, maybe they’ll write our love story into a saga.”

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