#skylar jyun

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Since Feeling Is First

It was a summer day like any other when Skylar lost zir arm to the accident. It was a summer day like any other when Audrey developed PTSD. And every day after that of the autumn, winter, and spring was a day like any other, too: except to two teenagers, whose lives would never be the same.

YA Drama. NB/F with nonbinary and trans woman leads.

Ao3 || Wattpad

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Since Feeling Is First Soundtrack

the summer set - lighting in a bottle // the ataris - boys of summer // guster - one man wrecking machine // the kills - future starts slow // bastille - pompeii // echosmith - cool kids // onerepublic - secrets // of monsters and men - little talks // alex goot and sam tsui - roar // the paper kites - bloom // christina aguilera - beautiful // american authors - best day of my life // natasha beddingfield - unwritten

listen here

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this is the last time I'll be tagging for Since Feeling Is First. thanks for reading with me, everyone :)

General taglist: @abalonetee @only-book-lovers-left-alive @poore-choice-of-words @leadhelmetcosmonaut @jasperygrace @drippingmoon @thelaughingstag @athenswrites @kaiusvnoir @magic-is-something-we-create @idreamonpaper @wip-nook @papercutsunset @winterandwords

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Since Feeling Is First: Chapter One

The sun beats down on the asphalt so hot it could liquefy, but instead just leaves the scrubby plants and too-tall billboards on either side of the car shimmering. Steam slowly lifts in the late twilight because the humidity is so heavy, like Atlas dropped the world and left it sitting on your chest. The AC is busted and all the windows are down and Skylar's arm hangs out the passenger's window as ze lip-syncs along with the music on the stereo. "Pull your arm in," you say. Ze turns toward you with that stupid, infuriating, adorable grin that says, "Audrey, you worry way too much." Ze gestures out at the road with zir thumb. "Nobody's on the highway this time of day. Like, maybe five cars will pass us before we get out to Micah and Vince's." "What?" Micah glances up from his sketchbook, where he's crammed tight in the backseat between Vincent and Kelly. You'll never know how he learned to steady his hands enough to make sketching in the car worth the trouble. You glance over your shoulder for a split-second. "Skylar's just being –” "Audrey!" Skylar shrieks, simultaneously high pitched and guttural and the truck just nicks you but it must be going at least twenty over the speed limit because it's enough to spin you twice and topple you over. The airbags go off and smoke pours into the cabin and you can't see and you can't breathe and all you can hear is Skylar screaming, "Audrey! Audrey!"

It was a summer day like any other when Skylar lost zir arm to the accident. It was a summer day like any other when Audrey developed PTSD. And every day after that of the autumn, winter, and spring was a day like any other, too: except to two teenagers, whose lives would never be the same.

cw: car accident, loss of limb/amputation, physical and mental trauma, blood, bullying, misgendering (accidental and intentional), ptsd, ableism, transphobia, internalized acephobia, ptsd

Read it on wattpad here

or on Ao3 here!

General taglist: @abalonetea @only-book-lovers-left-alive @poore-choice-of-words @leadhelmetcosmonaut @jasperygrace @drippingmoon @thelaughingstag @athenswrites @kaiusvnoir @magic-is-something-we-create @idreamonpaper @wip-nook @papercutsunset @winterandwords

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Since Feeling Is First: Chapter Six

You walk a lot slower than you should. It's still just barely above freezing and both of you are buried in your heavy coats, yours a blocky, formless black, and Audrey's a more form-fitting and fashionable purple. But it's sunny and still so your hoods are down and your scarves are pulled a little loose as you walk, ungloved hand in ungloved hand, down residential streets and back alleys, away from the noise and bustle of the busy main streets. The streets are clear. It hasn't snowed in weeks, and only a few ugly clumps of dirt-black slush linger in the corners here and there. Spring is still a long while off. It's only January. But now that the year has turned, you're that much closer to sweet smelling grass and bright flowers and trees heavy with leaves and buds. "Are things ever going to be the same again?" you finally whisper. Audrey's step slows, though she doesn't stop, and you slow to match her pace. "What do you mean?" she asks. Your whispers are louder than screams in the silent, still air. "I mean... I've always been different. I know that." You pause. "We've always been different." You glance over at her, unsure, and she smiles, so you know you haven't caused offense. "But now I'm like... really, really different. It's one thing for people to ask you if you're a boy or a girl. But it's something else when you're visibly missing a limb. They treat you like a child or like you're made of porcelain or..." You trail off and look down at your slowly moving feet. "Do I do that?" Audrey asks softly. You look up at her, at her bright green eyes, worried and sad, red hair fluffed up and messy from her hood before she pulled it down when you got outside. You open your mouth to say, no, I don't mean you, but you have to be honest or it'll eat you up and you'll end up resenting her. "Sometimes," you admit.

read chapter six on wattpad here

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General taglist: @abalonetea @only-book-lovers-left-alive @poore-choice-of-words @leadhelmetcosmonaut @jasperygrace @drippingmoon @thelaughingstag @athenswrites @kaiusvnoir @magic-is-something-we-create @idreamonpaper @wip-nook @papercutsunset @winterandwords

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Since Feeling Is First: Chapter Four

The next few months are much the same as your first day back at school. Micah and Vincent still argue about whether Micah should say anything to the boy he likes. It turns out his name is Jacy and he's in your math class, and Micah, bless his soul, is constantly asking whether he's mentioned him at all (he hasn't). Kelly doesn't have a crush and doesn't want one because she's more focused on theatre and the potential for scholarships to art schools, and Vincent turns down what few invitations he gets. He quits band and switches to a creative writing class because he doesn't want to focus on the drums anymore and wants to get back to basic voice and guitar. Skylar is the only one of you that has anything interesting going on. Zir prosthetic comes in and fits without a hitch, and with only a few minor setbacks, ze picks up its use pretty quickly and is probably ready to come back in November rather than next term, but by now, that would just be ridiculous. When you're at zir house, you often catch zir switching pens and pencils and paintbrushes between hands, because ze still hasn't gotten the minute movements needed for tiny details down with the artificial fingers. Skylar can write and do math and other basic things, but it's become easier for zir to use the left hand for drawing and painting, and although you'd never, never dream of saying it aloud, ze's not nearly as good as ze used to be. You know it and ze knows it, but the fact that ze's taught zirself to draw with zir left hand in a matter of months is so impressive, you try to convince zir that the less attractive results are still worthwhile. "I guess," ze always sighs.

a short one this week. next week we get a new POV!

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General taglist: @abalonetea @only-book-lovers-left-alive @poore-choice-of-words @leadhelmetcosmonaut @jasperygrace @drippingmoon @thelaughingstag @athenswrites @kaiusvnoir @magic-is-something-we-create @idreamonpaper @wip-nook @papercutsunset @winterandwords

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Since Feeling Is First: Chapter Nine/The End

cw: misgendering

The rest of January is much the same as the first two weeks were: quiet, uneventful, too warm for the season but still much too cold to be spring yet. People still whisper, but they don't stare as much anymore. You're not sure whether or not it's better that way. You keep your eyes ahead of you as you make your way through the hall, walking in a straight line. You refuse to make eye contact with anyone, but at least you don't have to push anyone aside to get by. They part on their own, afraid to touch you. It's not until you make it to the art room that you see a copy of a new flyer taped to the center of the door. Spring musical auditions. Guys and Dolls. You roll your eyes. What a garbage play. Maybe you won't try out after all. You know they'll cast you in one of the nonspeaking backing roles when the only role you'd be interested in playing is Adelaide, and they'd never let you sing a woman's part. They always have, despite the fact that you could easily play any gender or character they'd cast you as. You sigh softly and push the door open. Micah, Vince, and Audrey are there, circled around the table you all share. Micah has a partially finished painting in front of him, with lots of blues and greys. You smile to yourself. He got his canvas for the triptych. He lays down a few more strokes, then cleans his brush and starts to clean up for when class starts about ten minutes from now. "Hello, guys and dolls," you chirp as you sit. "So you saw the flyers," Vince said. "You going to try out?" You shake your head. "Probably not. I don't like that play very much." "But it's so cute!" Audrey says as she turns to you. You stick your tongue out at her. She sticks hers out back. Micah returns to the table just in time to process your conversation. "You're a senior, though," he says. "This is your last chance to perform here." "Not necessarily," you say. "Sometimes they do little short plays with only three or four characters. They aren't as popular as the Fall and Spring plays, but that's okay." "Sometimes," Micah says. "But it's your decision, obvs." "Obvs," you mimic. He snorts at you and wipes a bit of spilled paint off the table.

read it on wattpad here

or ao3 here!

And here we are at the last chapter! I don't have anything else at a point where I can share or update chapters on a regular basis, but keep an eye on my tumblr for updates and excerpts from The Black & Blues, about two queer 18-year olds who leave their homophobic town to start a band in the big city; and The Most Beautiful Puzzle, about two 20-somethings with ADHD solving a murder case that has been suspiciously closed.

General taglist: @abalonetea @only-book-lovers-left-alive @poore-choice-of-words @leadhelmetcosmonaut @jasperygrace @drippingmoon @thelaughingstag @athenswrites @kaiusvnoir @magic-is-something-we-create @idreamonpaper @wip-nook @papercutsunset @winterandwords

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Since Feeling Is First: Chapter Eight

cw: ptsd, therapy talk

When Wednesday comes, Audrey meets you in the art room, like always, but this time you go back to the student parking lot, because you drove today. The clinic is too far away to walk and after dealing with your fellow students all day, the last thing you want is to deal with public transportation. When you get in the car, she clicks her seatbelt and tugs it twice to make sure it's done right as you pull your across your chest. "We'll take the side roads, okay?" you say gently. Her breathing comes a little shuddery when she says, "Thank you." She takes one more very slow, very deep breath and clenches her hands in her jeans, then nods once, giving you the go-ahead. You start the car. The drive takes a while because the speed limit is around twenty for most of the streets you take, but her appointment isn't until 4:00, so you'll be okay. She flinches at every speed bump and her hands tense every time you brake a little too quickly. You try to keep her occupied with conversation, but she gives simple one- and two-word answers and doesn't converse much back, so eventually you settle for gentle reassurances that it's fine, it's okay, the road is empty right now and you're going the speed limit, see? Finally, you pull up by the office. Audrey jumps out before the car is even stopped and presses her hands tightly against her chest, like she's trying to keep her heart from breaking through her ribcage. You walk over to join her on the sidewalk and pull her into a soft, tentative hug, and when her hands clench tightly in the back of your jacket, you think, thank god she's finally here. You haven't been in a car with her for a while so you didn't realize she was still so scared of driving, of even being in a car as a passenger. She never told you and you never saw it because, when you're with her, you've walked everywhere since the accident as far back as you can remember. "Let's go inside, okay?" you whisper.

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General taglist: @abalonetea @only-book-lovers-left-alive @poore-choice-of-words @leadhelmetcosmonaut @jasperygrace @drippingmoon @thelaughingstag @athenswrites @kaiusvnoir @magic-is-something-we-create @idreamonpaper @wip-nook @papercutsunset @winterandwords

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Since Feeling Is First: Chapter Seven

The second day of school is much like the first, and so is the third and the fourth and the fifth, and then, finally the weekend comes after making you wait for far too long. Everything is very much the same: everyone still stares at and whispers about you, Vince has thrown himself into his writing, and Jacy hasn't said anything to anyone you know since Monday so Micah agonizes over whether or not he was just screwing around. But Audrey booked an appointment with a therapist for next Wednesday, which is when the art club usually is, so when she doesn't come home right away there won't be any suspicion about where she's been. You'll drive her, you say, because the first appointment is one of the hardest and she probably won't want to have to take the bus home alone. "Okay," she says. "But I don't expect you to do this every time, okay?" "I know. But I will if you need me to." She smiles, and when she curls her hands around your jaw and you rest your hands on her hips and she kisses you, it's a little different, a little surer. Like she's not afraid she'll break you anymore. Like it used to be.

Read chapter seven here on wattpad

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General taglist: @abalonetea @only-book-lovers-left-alive @poore-choice-of-words @leadhelmetcosmonaut @jasperygrace @drippingmoon @thelaughingstag @athenswrites @kaiusvnoir @magic-is-something-we-create @idreamonpaper @wip-nook @papercutsunset @winterandwords

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Since Feeling Is First: Chapter Five

cw: bullying, mentions of transphobia and homophobia, internalized acephobia

Your name is Skylar Jyun and you're not sure whether standing in front of the door to your school is more terrifying than exciting or the other way around. It took months of physical therapy and practice, but you're good enough managing your new arm to come back to school. You can do all the shit you need to do on your own, without assistance, without someone hovering over your shoulder with annoying false compliments only spoken to boost your self-esteem. You can even do a lot of it without the arm, and sometimes at home you don’t use it at all. You're still waiting on that missile launcher, but everything else is pretty okay. Until you step into the door and enter the hallway. At first, nobody notices you. But you've never exactly been discreet, even before the accident. Your hair, your clothes, even your face are all so unique compared to the rest of the -- mostly white -- students. You stand out. But for the first time in your life, you don't want to. As you walk through the 600 hall to the art room for your first period class, the bustling hallway slowly stills and falls under a hush. Their eyes bore into you, some more discreet sideways glances, others outright gaping. Only your friends and a few of the faculty know anything about what happened and what to expect upon your return. You're not sure what everyone thought you were up to while you were gone, but you do know that if they were expecting you back, it wasn't like this.

A new POV for the rest of the story! We've switched over to Skylar now :D

read it here on Wattpad

or here on Ao3!

General taglist: @abalonetea @only-book-lovers-left-alive @poore-choice-of-words @leadhelmetcosmonaut @jasperygrace @drippingmoon @thelaughingstag @athenswrites @kaiusvnoir @magic-is-something-we-create @idreamonpaper @wip-nook @papercutsunset @winterandwords

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Since Feeling Is First Preview: Chapter Two

Taglist: @reeseweston @riftversus @katiehahnbooks @pen-for-sword​ @jellybeanwriter @focusdumbass @icarusatmidnight @petchwritesbooks​ @adorhauer​ and also tagging @mythfairy because you seemed so excited about it!! If you don’t want me to tag you for chapter three just let me know. :)

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3

“So, we both know your parents would never let you stay the night at a boy’s 

“True.”

“Like, I don’t know what they think you’re getting up to with Skylar but, anyway, regardless, you staying with us overnight is out.”

You chuckle and confirm with a soft, “Mm-hm.”

“And Kelly is a horrible liar. If she got cornered she’d spill everything.”

“Yeah.”

You’re silent as he hums thoughtfully on the other side of the phone.

“Do you know how many visitors are allowed at once?” he asks. “Like… I’m sure you want some alone time. And we’ll give it to you, obvs. But Vincent and I could go with you, because we want to see zir too, so all three of us are together in an unspecified location, yeah?”

“Okay…”

“So we make it something nobody can check. It can’t be Great America because everyone knows we can’t afford it. Is the Ren Faire still in town?”

“I don’t know.”

“Hang on, let me look it up.”

Silence for a few moments.

“Until September!”

You jump at his sudden exclamation.

“Nobody else in our house would be interested in going. We pick you up on our way since you’re not allowed to drive, maybe pick up some incense or some votive candles or something at the mall on the way back so we have a souvenir. Fifty cents paper bags at the dollar store to put them in. That gives us all day and no way for anyone to check on us. One last big fun thing to blow of the last of our steam before school starts. And nobody is any wiser.”

You grin brightly. The edges of your vision almost sparkle because your heart is beating so fast, so excited, and you say, “Micah, you are perfect.”

“It’s only Friday through Sunday so we can’t go tomorrow,” he continues. “But Friday we’ll get you there. Just make sure you get your parents’ permission. Whatever you need to do. Just, if you make up some story and Vincent and I are in it, make sure you tell us so we can make sure everything matches.”

“Thank you, Micah.” Your voice quivers.

“Well, of course,” he says, like he’d never think to do anything else.

“Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.”

He doesn’t comment on your sobs. All he says is, “You’re welcome. I’ve always got you.”

***

It takes a lot of wheedling and prodding and manipulating, because your parents have never liked Skylar. Maybe you’d be better off without her, they’d say, and maybe this is what it will finally be what does it. Why do you even need to distract yourself at the Ren Faire anyway? Move on.

But Skylar was the one who helped you finally find the bravery to come out, to start living as the girl you really are, and while your parents are okay now -- you even started hormones at the beginning of last summer -- at the time, they didn’t understand, and that made them furious. And since Skylar was the weird one, the one who didn’t look like a boy or a girl or an anything, the one who went by those made up pronouns, it made everything zir fault. The only reason your parents let you continue to see Skylar at all was because you’re incredibly bullheaded when it really counts, and you’d break every rule and every lock they’d try to put between the two of you. Finally, they gave up.

But your parents never really came around to liking zir, even if they accept the fact that you’re dating and that’s not changing.

Then you slip. You slip up and mention visiting Skylar and you mother glares at you like she could incinerate you where you stand.

“That’s what this is about?” she says coldly. “Not going out with your friends to that festival thing?”

Your eyes are wide, wild, darting between your parents. You’ve screwed up, but there’s nowhere to go but forward.

“Yeah, fine,” you say. “It is. I haven’t seen zir since zie was transferred, Mom. It’s not right, especially since it’s my fault zie’s there in the first place. I won’t even be driving, Micah and Vincent really are going, too, and they’re going to pick me up.”

Your mother crosses her arms tightly over her chest and says, “Well, I just don’t think --“

But, you look her directly in the eye and interrupt, “What if it were Dad in that bed?”

She looks over at your dad and swallows.

You’ve got it. Checkmate.

Your mother sighs heavily and discreetly rests her hand low on your dad’s back. You bite the inside of your lip to keep yourself from smiling.

“All right,” she sighs. She raises her finger, jabbing at you with every word, “But if I find out you were driving, young lady --“

You throw your hands up and shake your head wildly. “No. No. Not even if you told me I could.” Your voice catches and your mother’s eyes soften for a moment. She gives you the courtesy of leading your dad into the kitchen to start on dinner to leave you be as your eyes start to glass up. When you turn to go back to your bedroom for your phone, you’re smiling even as the tears start to pool down your cheeks.

***

Micah sighs heavily when he finds out you ruined such a simple but brilliant plan, come on, Audrey, there was not a single hole. But he’s just glad you’ll all be able to go out and see Skylar, so it’s mostly just a bunch of huffing and no real anger or annoyance. And, he guesses, this way Kelly can come too without screwing anything up.

***

When the day comes, the drive is very quiet and Micah moves a little below the speed limit. You sit in the back, knuckles tight on your knees, white and pale, like your face. Your brown and red freckles stand out like blood splattered over snow, but all the blood is drained from your face, your whole body. Any time Micah breaks a little too hard, your chest goes tight and you inhale too sharply and Kelly gently places her small, warm, dark hand on your arm or your knee for a few moments before sliding it back into her own lap. Her skin was the same color as yours when the summer started. She soaked up the sun like a sponge and now her skin is even darker than her ash-blonde hair. You burned, and peeled, and burned, and peeled, and came out of it as fair and pale as you ever were.

Micah says something, but you don’t process what, and Vincent says something back, but you can’t really hear it over your blood pounding hot, pulsing in your head.

It’s not long from then that he turns into a parking lot, and the second he’s aligned in the space, you don’t even wait for him to turn the car off. You rip your seatbelt off and stumble out of the car. Your nose flares and you press your shaking hands to your chest, and by the time everyone else is out, you’ve mostly composed yourself.

Micah pushes his chunky black glasses up his nose and brushes his shaggy brown hair out of his face as he turns toward the building. It’s long and sprawling and flat, like the highway where --

“I think the front is around the left side?” Vincent says, taking a few steps over and peering around tentatively. He turns back to you. “Yeah, this way.”

The air conditioning is on so high you could comfortably wear a sweater. The sign in desk is right up front, and the floors are buffed so shiny you can slide along in your sneakers without picking up your feet.

“We’re here to see Skylar Jyun?” It comes out too fast, slurred into almost one word, desperate because every moment you’re at this desk is another moment you’re not seeing Skylar. Micah steps up beside you and gently nudges your elbow, leaning in to whisper, “It’s okay.”

The woman behind the desk smiles at you and slides the visitor’s log across the desk before leaning over to get some name stickers. “Go ahead and sign in. First and last name, date and time.” You pass the book between each other, starting with Micah and ending with Kelly, who slides it back. The woman looks over the names and smiles.

“Micah and Vincent?” they look at each other and tentatively raise their hands. She laughs.

“What a coincidence, having the same last name!” she says. You glance toward them, teeth hard on the corner of your lip so you don’t laugh.

“What do you mean?” Vincent says. Both of them are straight-faced.

“Oh, just that it’s sort of uncommon, and to think that two friends would share it is interesting,” she smiles.

“What do you mean, friends?” Micah asks.

Kelly’s snort sounds suspiciously like a bark of a laugh, but she quickly clears it out of her throat.

“What?” the receptionist asks.

Micah gestures to Vincent with his thumb. “He’s my little brother.”

Her eyes widen and she glances unsurely between Micah, thin and small and white, and Vincent, at least five inches taller and broad shouldered.

And, most distinctively, Black.

“I… oh, I…” she clears her throat and scrambles across the desk for a marker. “Here, you can just put your first names on these stickers. Make sure all the staff can see them so you don’t risk being sent out.”

You all do, then, as you turn your backs to the receptionist, Micah and Vincent share a grin and a fist bump, and Kelly clears her throat suspiciously again. You turn around with a half-wave and a “Thanks, ma’am.”

Kelly turns around and stage whispers after, “One of them’s adopted, can you guess which?”

Vincent reaches behind your head to gently push Kelly’s to the side, but both of them laugh, and you head toward Skylar’s room.

It’s just past lunchtime and you’re here unannounced, so you’re not sure if they’ll let you see Skylar while she’s eating. You approach her room and lift your knuckles to knock, but then a loud clatter and a screamed “Godfuckingdammit!” seep muffled through the door, and you still. Vincent leans over your shoulder and knocks.

“Who is it?” Even though it’s muffled, the frustration and annoyance in those three words are clearer than anything you’ve ever heard.

You nudge the door open just enough to peek through. “Skylar?” Your voice is timid, your stance defensive. But when zie sees you, zir face relaxes, zir jaw unclenches, and zie wipes away the glisten in zir eyes with the heel of zir hand and says, “Oh my god, Audrey! Come in!”

You stay where you are. “Vincent, Micah, and Kelly are here, too. Is that okay?”

Zie sits up a little straighter. “Yeah, yeah! Bring ‘em all in!”

Finally, you open the door and step inside, looking around for the source of the noise.

“The hell was that screaming all about?” Micah asks. He’s never been one for subtlety.

“Oh,” Skylar says airily. “I just threw my spoon across the room because my stupid fucking fingers can’t figure out how to hold it even though I’m nearly a grown fucking adult.”

“Sucks,” he says.

“Why do you get to be the ambidextrous one?” zie asks. “I could really use it right now.”

Micah shrugs and pulls up one of the chairs. “Dunno. Wish I could give it to you.”

You sit down on the bed beside zir, wrapping your fingers around zirs and pulling zir closer, kissing zir nose, zir cheeks, zir eyelids. “I’m sorry it took so long to finally come see you.”

“It’s okay.” And when Skylar kisses you this time, it’s a real kiss, an oh my god I almost lost you kiss, a you have no idea how much I love you kiss. Not censored for parents or medical staff because your friends won’t say anything, because they were there, because they understand.

When you finally pull away, you laugh, and run your fingers through zir hair. Neat, in order, clean, now, so much more put together than the last time you saw zir. For a moment, you nearly forget your friends are in the room with you.

“So, hey guys!” Skylar says. You sit up straight again. “I can see all of you very carefully not looking at where my right arm used to be, so let’s just come out and say it: I’m missing my arm and sometime soon I’m going to get a prosthetic. It will probably not shoot missiles. They tell me that technology isn’t available yet. Apparently not only does Stark Industries not work in prosthetics, but it turns out it isn’t even a real company.”

Kelly covers her mouth to hide her snort and Micah laughs brightly. Vincent smiles and finally relaxes enough to sit down on the arm of the chair that Micah is in.

“Well that’s some bullshit,” Micah says, straight-faced.

Skylar gestures out wide with zir arm. “I know, right?”

“Will you be ready in time for school?” Vincent asks. He leans his side a little awkwardly against the back of the chair, his leg splayed out for balance. He always did have the weirdest sitting positions. There have been times you’ve wondered if he’s part cat.

“Hopefully,” Skylar says, knocking a curled fist on zir little table tray twice. Zir food still sits there to the side, only half eaten but fully ignored. “But I won’t be good enough with it to get back on the basketball team. I’ll still be figuring it out.”

Kelly gives an exaggerated, pouty frown. “Sucks,” she murmurs.

“I was thinking of going out for one of the plays this year, though,” zie continues. “Maybe the spring musical. By then I should have everything down. I haven’t been in a play since the fall show sophomore year.”

“You should!” you grin, gently nudging your shoulder against hers. Zie flinches, but smiles. “Sorry!” you squeak as you jerk away. Your hands fly to your mouth. “Did I hurt you?”

“It’s okay, it’s okay. The last of the bruises just haven’t quite finished healing up yet. It’s fine. I’m fine.”

You look away when you hear Kelly huff softly, and as you turn, you see her stand up with the spoon in her hand. She brings it over to you and Skylar and places it on the table.

“I mean, you probably don’t want to eat with it now,” she says. “But that way when the nurse or whoever comes back for your tray they’re not like, ‘Where’s your spoon?’”

Skylar laughs and leans in her direction, gently bumping her head against Kelly’s shoulder. Zir’s has healed up but you can imagine it’s still too sore to go around poking people with. “Thanks, lady,” zie says.

Kelly grins. “Welcome.”

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Since Feeling Is First: A Soundtrack

the summer set - lightning in a bottle // the ataris - the boys of summer // mika - l'amour dans le mauvais temps // guster - one man wrecking machine // the kills - future starts slow // gorillaz - fire coming out of the monkey’s head // bastille - pompeii // alex goot and sam tsui - roar // the paper kites - bloom // christina aguilera - beautiful // american authors - best day of my life // natasha beddingfield - unwritten

It was a summer day like any other when Skylar lost zir arm to a car accident. It was a summer day like any other when Audrey developed PTSD. And every day after that of the autumn, winter, and spring was a day like any other, too: except for two teenagers, whose lives would never be the same.

A story of love, self, recovery, and losing your way… and with the help of loved ones, finding it again.

Inspired by the e.e. cummings poem of the same name (link).

[listen] pop, pop-punk, alternative

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Bachelor/ette Question Meme

Thank you for tagging me, @writeontheedge!

If all your young adult characters were contestants on The Bachelor/Bachelorette (a group of women or men all compete for the hand of one person, being eliminated until only one person remains), which character would:

-freeze frame-

So, I have SO MANY YA stories, so I’m going to narrow it down to Since Feeling is First! They’re all teens in the text, so just imagine they’re aged up to their early 20s. Don’t worry, there’s nothing inappropriate for teens here! You can buy the book here for $1.99!

Anyway, here we go. :)

Enter, win, and live happily ever after <3. </b>

Probably Audrey because she is the… least strange of them all? She has her neuroses and issues but she is the most well adjusted of them all, and the one with the most calm personality, without being boring. Just don’t expect her to drive anything or get in a fast car.

Enter, fall in love with a competitor on the show, have a secret relationship, finally leave the show to marry said contestant, and have a healthier, happier relationship than the winning couple.

ALSO Audrey, along with Skylar. Look, Audrey thinks the bachelor guy is great. She does. But she’s not attracted to dudes, and he kind of looks like a less attractive turnip anyway, so it would be a relationship with minimal romance. But Skylar is exciting and funny and so smart! Zie’s everything Audrey’s strict Catholic upbringing always said she could never have. Skylar’s willing to give her that! That’s rad!

Enter on a dare, take the entire thing as a big joke, and win anyways.

Kelly. She’d talk and talk about what bs capitalism is, and how much she hates the rich, but the bachelor/ette would probably be awestruck with how intelligent she is and donate all their money to charity and she would win.

And then she’d turn him down.

Enter believing it to be a odd job interview, break the bachelor/ette’s nose for trying to kiss them believing it to be sexual misconduct, leave the show to become a famous self defense teacher, and die happier and having done more good than all the contestants combined.

Ahh, probably Vince. Poor Vince. He doesn’t watch much TV and none of it is reality TV, so all he knows about how the show comes from glimpses he sees in ads when he’s not paying attention on commercial breaks.

Enter just for the food.

Micah, Vince, and Kelly. I feel weird picking three for this out of only five, but.. well, it’s true. They all love to eat, especially fancy foods they can’t afford at home.

Go on a 2:1 date on a river and push the other contestant off the boat.

Vince and Micah would EASILY do this to each other. Skylar might do it to Micah (zie’s his best friend, zie’s allowed).

Enter on a miscommunication, realize their mistake, have a long talk with each contestant about why they’re putting their futures in jeopardy for the entertainment of others, and have all the contestants quit as one.

Again, Kelly. Eat the rich!!

Sleep through the rose ceremony.

Skylar, definitely. It’s too dramatic, and not in the fun way of a play.

Be sent home for sharing a bit too much information.

Skylar. Zie’s adept at sharing more than makes everyone around her comfortable (mostly about zir prosthetic arm).

Quit because the bachelor/ette doesn’t like cats (or dogs, or ponies, or chocolate….)

If it was the right thing, I think any of them would quit, honestly. They’re all particular about the things they love and want partners who feel the same way.

Ask to play 20 questions and ask blunt political/philosophical questions because they only have a few weeks before they’re potentially married and they’re going to take this rationally, gosh darn it.

Bahaha, again, Kelly. Doing this questionnaire has made me realize she’s a lot more political than ever made it into the book. I may revisit somewhere down the line and release a second edition.

Take the bachelor/ette hostage on air, demand a billion dollars as random, and disappear off the face of the map.

ALL OF THEM TOGETHER definitely, the more the merrier, they are all okay with splitting a billion dollars five ways because that’s still more money than any of them has ever even thought of. Audrey would have to be convinced (again, Catholic upbringing), but Skylar and Micah would do a pretty good job of it.

I’m going to tag @ohsugarfoot, @z-bot, @cherrysnowclone, @avalonjoan, @ruukachoo, @arishokoth, and @ryuukosmatoii! Pick whatever story or roleplay you want, pick bachelors or bachelorettes or both!

If you don’t see yourself tagged, please feel free to do it anyway! I didn’t tag ALL my writing buddies because there are so many of you, and I wasn’t sure everyone would be interested in this one.

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lollygag definition:

to spend time idly, aimlessly, or foolishly : dawdle

(Because you don’t have context: the ‘you’ is Audrey, Skylar’s girlfriend. Obviously in the book this is made very clear right at the beginning.)

“Skylar?” It’s Ms. Singh. “Your friend Micah is here. Would you like me to send him out or do you want to come in?”

Skylar’s hand squeezes yours once, then loosens, but doesn’t let go.

“Send him out,” zie says.

Ms. Singh leaves the door open when she goes back into the house, and moments later, Micah pops his head out with a drawn out, “Hello.”

You both wave the hands that aren’t holding each other’s. Micah comes and lies down between you, propping his hands behind his head.

“What’s up?” he asks. “I hope I didn’t interrupt anything important?”

You open your mouth to say, well, actually, but Skylar speaks first.

“Nah. I was just bitching about stupid people.”

“Sounds like my jam,” Micah laughs.

“No Vince?” Skylar adds.

“Not today, no. He’s going to perform at that coffee shop open mic in a few weeks, hopefully, so he’s been spending all his free time writing and practicing. He said he might do a poem but it’ll probably be a song.”

Skylar lets go of your hand and you roll onto your side towards Micah as Skylar props zirself up on her elbow. “Were you planning on telling me this?” Zir voice is annoyed.

Micah twists his neck to look at zir better. “I thought Vincent already did? I’m sorry. I would have if I’d known.”

Skylar sighs and plops down on the grass. You roll onto your stomach and shimmy closer to kiss zir forehead, trying to smooth the tension out with your lips.

The three of you talk until the sky starts to dim and the sun starts to disappear behind the lines of houses in the distance, and only then do you realize how much time has passed. But it’s Friday, and even though your parents will be mad at you, they can’t do that much, because it’s not like you have school in the morning.

You can buy Since Feeling Is First here for $1.99!

Check out the rest of my published work, too!