#slight ventpost

[emoflutterguy]

jesus fucking christ growing up and finding out the people who were shitty to u are massive hypocrites is . insane

TRIGGER WARNING FOR LIKE ABUSIVE FRIENDSHIP??? this is a little bit of a ventpost about how my shitty best friend in freshman year forced his transmedicalist idea of masculinity onto me only to grow up a little bit and start dating a cis guy and fall into the trap that most of us trans guys also fall into with cis guys of “oh hes cis so i obviously need to be Girly now”

thats ur tl;dr, read on if ure interested in the juicy details below the cut

so when i was in freshman year i met a kid who was supposedly a year older than me (he wasnt) but he was also a freshman because he got held back a year (he didn’t) (he was a filthy liar)

anyways he just so happens to be a trans guy and thats not where my problem lies with this guy . i wish it was that simple .

now im also a trans guy, and i had just come out at that point when we had met, like im talking i had just freshly come out as a trans man a month before we had met. i had no idea what i was doing or how to act or dress or how to be masculine, and he was like oh let me coach u on how to be a trans man The Right Way

and his “coaching” was terrible advice that literally any trans man whos been trans for more than 5 seconds would tell u is terrible advice;

he told me to eat, sleep and shit in my binder, he told me to abandon all girly clothing and only wear HIS clothes because HIS clothes were cool and masculine and would make me pass better (they didn’t), he told me not to wear makeup unless he was the one who did it, he shamed me for not passing well enough (i was 15 and had a baby face, as well as having big ass man biddies and also being chubby) and he gave me the worlds worst first masculine haircut and dyed it an eye bleeding orange in his kitchen. he forced me to listen to his music only because my music taste was supposedly terrible and he was the one who could drive so he got to choose the playlist (spoiler alert he wasnt legally supposed to be driving without an adult over the age of 25 but that was unbeknownst to me)

basically he told me that fundamentally, i was wrong because i wasn’t him

and any ounce of femininity i dared to show and be comfortable with was also fundamentally wrong

one time while we were all hanging out at my house (him, me, my mom and her boyfriend at the time) and i was talking about how bad i wanted to get on testosterone because i just wanted to feel like a normal teenage boy.

.and get this.

he told me i was “too girly” and “not manly enough” and i “didn’t pass well enough” to go on testosterone

and he told me he thought i was faking being trans for attention and he didnt think i was actually trans because i “wasnt trying hard enough” like he was

i promise this is relevant later im not just saying this to vent

he was also a horrendously shitty person to me and everyone else at the time, and im not saying this because im still salty, no bitch i was 15 he was 15 we were both kids kids are gonna be weird and mean sometimes, but “kids being kids” is not supposed to leave u with trauma that u may never heal from . and he did that to me . but thats irrelevant

anyways, now onto the part thats kind of funny in a fucked up way

so me and his ex boyfriend are best friends now because we both survived the fucked up shit he put us both through, at the same time might i add, and we often talk about how our respective relationships with him still affect us to this day

and today we were talking about going to a concert for a band we both really like that was introduced to us by our mutual enemy, the guy this post is about

and naturally the conversation turned to what hes up to now because my bestie likes to sometimes look at his social media out of curiosity and he told me

that evil bad guy mc bad

is now in a relationship with a cis biker guy

and dresses in crop tops and mini skirts and thigh highs and wears wigs and makeup now

and good for him if he genuinely just enjoys dressing like that now, if thats all it is then im glad hes finally had some character development

but i just have a feeling thats not what this is, that hes doing this solely for the validation of his fuck ass boyfriend

and the thing is, i would feel bad if it was literally Anyone Else going through that, but he did the same thing to me, to his ex who is now my bestie, to my other friends who used to be friends with him, to anyone who’s ever known him honestly.

and i dont wish him ill anymore. i really dont, i could not care less, and this post will probably be the last time i ever think about him because i really could not care about him less at this point, but its insane to me that he used to be so like firm in his opinion that men who were feminine werent real men, and he actively enjoyed making me feel like shit for being too feminine, and now he’s doing the same thing he used to make fun of me for.

maybe im just salty because i never got a real apology from him, but at this point i dont even want an apology from him because i know that it would be more akin to colleen ballinger’s “toxic gossip train” video than a real apology

well i think ive yapped on about this enough if u read all the way here thanks lol

[muzzledmikey]

the masculine urge to bury myself in the sand and not come out until the waves uncover me. and then skitter away and dig a new hole

[cha1cedony]

Sigh. Tomorrow. I'll do more. tomorrow 🥲

[marblezartstudio]

SLIGHT VENTPOST BELOW!

Does ayone else know that feeling when a really close friend of yours just sorta moves on with life and next thing you know they are apart of a whole new friend group and you've been replaced.. Again

..jusus fucking hell I haven't hurt this much in a hot minute

Well that's just happened to me.. For the third time. I knew we were drifting apart for a while now, I eventually reconnected with them just to have to watch them drift apart again..

it felt like my heart was being ripped out once I realized I was the stranger...

All three of these friends of mine went on with life without me... Even the one I considered to be my best friend

[tomatograter]

Wasn't the whole broken heart thing because of Jake's distance and ghosting him during their relationship?

That's when they're 16. That episode is 7 years back in the past. It's nowhere near the whole extent of their relationship during the epilogues!

Dirk and Jake get together again as adults on Earth C, but it's a sort of unspoken, informal situation. An on-and-off relationship under the guise of a Work Partnership for their publicly homoerotic TV show, Rumble in da Pumpkin Patch. Ultdirk frequently mentions how many times they've hooked up during the epilogues. He flat-out states a lot of these times he'd make a show for jake's attention when he was at a low place and then strut out again in the following morning, so it's not like they're together— but dirk still gets furious when jake goes to parties or gets with other people because deep down he's still interested, and going in the absolutely most unreasonable way about it all.

Dirk tells us jake has got fed up and said he's 'over it' on at least one occasion, but as per the miserable meat jane/jake scene— that's not the truth. He's hung up on Dirk too.

This is actually why its kinda funny when people tell me they think jake should try seeing other people, as if... he hasnt been trying to do exactly that? In the text? But at the end of the day they're still going back to each other. They want to make it work but are gagging on the magic words, like as soon as it is said it'll all break apart. They just can't spill the fucking beans, and that isn't an exclusive problem only one of them has. Dirk has issues! Jake has issues! They're self-loathing and self-critical and mostly, afraid. That's the human condition baby.

Dirk's view in the epilogues is obviously warped by how he feels like a slighted ex-lover, on top of all the other narrativepill bullshit. He's not mentally okay. He's writing a 80-pages long ventpost. He's making a pointed effort to only engage with the world through the lens of reckless self-destruction and hard sabotage. As much as Dirk tries to insist he's 'completely in control', the story itself is only happening as it is because he's utterly losing it.

Dirk is unable to act as a fair judge of anything, much LESS himself.

[shrinps]

long ventpost re: dissociative symptoms and internal conflict, dont need validation, feel free to hmu if you have similar experiences or advice ig

going around and around the Youre Subconsciously Faking Your Illness And Have Been Consistently For Years merry-go-round. I cant have did/cptsd/ptsd because my trauma wasnt That Bad, but also because i cant accept that it Might have been that bad, because if i have a traumagenic disorder, then thats proof that something was Indeed That Bad. and my "logical brain" saying No, Be Logical, It Couldnt Have Been THAT BAD may not in fact be being logical, but might actually be an extension of a defense mechanism THAT IM FALLING FOR HOOK LINE AND SINKER? thats frightening. Absolutely not.

my therapist validates my disorder (whatever it is, because labels are functionally useless at this time), but! she is a therapist and she is supposed to help and make me feel secure. is she just humoring me? on the topic of did its possible its real but it probably doesnt present the way people expect it to. i can wrap my head around the theories and garbage of why it would form and stuff. yes, those match my experiences. again, see: acceptance of disorder and symptoms = acceptance of trauma = cannot do. but even if it matches my symptoms, what if my symptoms are fake? i have nothing to gain by faking it (only about 3 people in my day to day life know even a little bit, and i dont have many followers on here & i block most people who follow me anyhow), and im not getting clout, but! what if i subconsciously want clout or attention, but im consciously fighting that by keeping it to myself? the whole multiple self-states issue tremendously sucks but isnt the most deleterious symptom i experience (flashbacks and memory issues and inability to get close to people/let myself be vulnerable and general ptsd symptoms would be). is this better classified as just a type of ptsd, should i ignore the self states issue?

back to incidence of dissociative disorders in reality vs iatrogenic cases vs malingering/faking online for clout. im giving teenagers who fake a slight (though exasperated) pass. finding a community, learning who you want to be, etc. is hard as a teen, and i get why people get stuck in this particular cycle, but it also is objectively harmful to people experiencing clinically significant symptoms. best of hope they learn from the experience and quit it. that being said: im an adult. i shouldnt be doing that, even if subconsciously. if im not: the estimated rates of did are so low - is this an accurate estimate, though? if it is: what are the odds if my disorder falling more in line with that and not something else?

was my trauma bad enough? it couldn't have been bad enough. genuinely. therefore i dont have a disorder of this type. the symptoms wont go away. therefore it is SOMETHING. what is it. what do i do here.