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capirelebugie · 3 years

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This is my best friend. My partner in crime. The connection felt when we first met was unreal. It was fucking rad, incredible, one hell of a surprise! (Considering how little i trust or connect with anyone-) he was immediately someone i knew i could count on.

We committed loads of shenanigans together, were surely up to no good most days and laughed over various jokes that were both inside and outside. Before i knew it, the friendship had become love. Beginning of 2020, we started dating. 'This is it, this is who I'm spending the rest of my life with', i thought, 'how could i deserve this kind of love? Is this a dream??' I was never sure but for the first time i believe i was truly happy. We we're both genuinely happy and loving it!

We went out of town a few times, took the bus to Lancaster and had a blast. The first time, i accidentally stole a kids phone (he sat next to us and we were chatting for a good hour or so until the bus arrived at his stop) when he left the bus but thankfully he noticed his phone was missing (he'd handed it to me showing me some drawings he'd made, we were both artists and he wanted my advice) and his brother drove him after the bus, which the driver noticed and stopped! (One of the most hilarious memories we laughed about for months!)

The second trip, it was overcast. We figured if it rains well, we'll be on the bus back to our home before then. Yeah...big oops. It started raining when we got to where we needed to go in Lancaster, and it was light...at first. After finishing our 'business', the rain had taken a 360 to pouring down on the streets and we still had quite a ways to walk back to our bus. As we walked, it poured harder and harder, streets began to floud and the wind was a strong bitch. If we'd been staying the night, had warmer clothes, and out of the wind, it would've been rad!! But alas, it was a day trip and we still had some blocks, so we stopped halfway when we realized we weren't gonna make the bus (rushing jist made it worse on us and with his bad back and my migraines, it just wasn't enjoyable out shivering, needing to pee, and physically exhausted- still cracking jokes as we went. Seriously, how could love be this strong?) and found an archway between a school and some buildings to break for a bit, catch our breath, call the bus & my dad, hoping to find some ride. The bus was coming, but not for a few more hours so we waited at the Carl's Jr. right next to the street our bus was picking up at. At Carl's, we unloaded, got some fries, chit chatted, threw straws, and rested. (Didn't get home from Lancaster til almost 2am and we left to go to Lancaster at 10am the day before? But not really? It was a long day/night)

Those are just two of the unbelievably awesome memories we made together. But... now, he's been gone for a little over a year and it hurts. It really, devastatingly, fucking hurts. I don't know what to do. I miss him, his voice, his hugs, the ridiculous jokes and late night walks admiring the moon, grabbing snacks and smokes from fastrip, then a kiss before entering our home.

Now, when i come home, he's not here. He won't be coming home. That reminder hits every day i wake up and right before i go to sleep. I haven't been sleeping much, but when i have, I've dreamt of him. In my dreams, he's as real as ever, it's as if I'm awake and i can hear him, i can SEE him- not that foggy dream-see, i mean fully awake, vivid and sharp, truly SEE him and when he looks at me, it feels like he's LOOKING at me. He reassures me, we talk of old times, before dating and during our relationship ship, even the future we thought of. Ideas, hopes and dreams... sometimes when I'd get an especially painful migraine, I'd lay down while he massaged my scalp. Even in the dreams, if i fall asleep with a migraine, he'll be there by my side, angling the DS so i could see what he was playing. And when i wake up, I'm alone.

I miss him.

I love him more then i miss him.

And this tear in my chest is killing me.

I love you. Until we meet again, mí amor 💙

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