#so anyway my changes are kinda unlike of what ive read usually happens in the first month except for bottom growth

[tkbrokkoli]

:3

[someone-always-cares]

bonus 2, post chapter 4

first - previous - next

[image  description: an sac webcomic page. 5 pages styled in a manner similar to a medical brochure titled “navigating your new abilities, what does this mean for me?”. the brochure is about superpowers, what the are, side effects and health risks, and job oppurtunities. the brochure has white and light blue for the main colours, with a dark purple accent. page 1: mostly showing a girl transforming, with the title listed above, with smaller text reading “created and supported by the paragon institute for superheroism.” the girl is a younger white woman who has a light purple colour scheme, long straight hair and bangs, a crop top, and elbow pads. shes shown from the waist up, half her body and an arm cut out of the photo. her transformation takes the form of dripping black-purple goop spreading, with a starry texture. a similar texture takes up the image background.

page 2: title: what are superpowers?. “Superpower is a term used for superpowered abilities that go beyond the natural abilities and conventional laws of reality. There are little limits to the potential types of abilities that a super powered person may possess.

It is currently unknown what causes superpowered abilities. Despite many theories, the only known way to guarantee superpowers is to inherit them from a parent.

London has the highest percentage of superpowered people in the entire world, in addition to having 42% of all supers in the united kingdom”

next to this text is a grinning woman in pink winking while posing with one hand on her hip, and the other in a fist held up. the woman has long wavy pale pink hair, light brown skin, many freckles, and hot pink eyes. her outfit is a pink dress and gloves, pale pink tattered cape, and a hot pink long sleeved undershirt.

“how do i use and control my abilities? Superpowered people will typically have an innate sense for how to transform and use their abilities,but like any skill it will take time and effort to fully control their abilities.

In some rare cases, a superpowered person may lack control over their powers to the extent where it can cause harm to those around them.

This is most common in those who have inherited their abilities. In these cases the P.I.S offers programs to assist these people in learning control with 24/7 care and supervision. If you or someone you know requires these programs, please call our number or otherwise contact us via our website.

Due to the range of superpowered abilities, there is no one-size-fits-all method of developing control, however, the P.I.S do offer training services, of which you can read more about atwww.pis.uk/pis-services/training

next to this is a teenage superhero, an androgynous boy with a grey colour scheme, smiling slightly, his arm turning into smoke. he has light grey hair and eyes, brown skin and a dark grey bodysuit. he has a grey poncho/cape conbo and gloves, both of which are lined with light grey fleece or fur. his outfit looks as if is was meant for cold weather.

page 3: what are some other symptoms of superpowered abilities? Superpowers are also accompanied by complete transformations, including bodily and outfit transformations. Body transformations will include a change of eye and hair colour, but can also include a wide variety of changes, commonly including changes to eyes, ears, and hands, animal-like features, changes in shape, colour, additional limbs and features, and more.

below that is 5 examples, inside circles with a white border: a close up of an eye, all blue including sclera, the pupil is pale and slit like a cat. next is a close up of a green haired braid. next if also from behind, a red haired person with red wings, the longest feathers of which are white. while the last three arent of any known character, the latter two are wraith, shown from behind, only showing hair and a cape, and part of an arm, and quartz, a close up of his elf-like ear.

Outfit transformations are even more varied in appearance, and will typically be in various shades of the persons 'main' colour. It is common for the outfit to contain additional accessories, tools, and weapons. Electronic devices created from these transformations do not need recharging and if using internet or data, will use the strongest available signal to do so. It is illegal to create, use, or otherwise have in the open, a weapon in public without a registered superhero licence.

The act of transformation will vary from person to person, but will usually involve a bright light, and is likely to reflect the user's powers of their effects. In the case of those inheriting their abilities, they will inherit body traits and transformations from any and all superpowered ancestors.

The effects of a transformation will likely change through a superpowered person's lifetime. A change will usually happen after a dramatic change in the person's personality, ideals, traumatic incident, or other life development, although a change is not guaranteed, and will rarely occur without these.

The first transformation will usually be the simplest aesthetically both in outfit and body, with simple details, but will usually get more complicated, and it's likely to gain more body transformations as more changes happen. A superpowered person may experience 1-2 changes every 10 years.

Objects and outfits created via transformation will dissipate upon detransformation, regardless of if it is removed from the person. The same goes for additional limbs and features that do not exist on the original body, although these injuries are permanent, unlike clothes and objects which will reform upon transformation.

page 4: other known possibilities of transformations:

- Partial changes to a transformation may occur in the event of permanent injury, such as gaining a prosthetic after losing a limb, but nothing else in the outfit changes.

-It is possible for a transformation's change to be affected by other superpowered persons. This is commonly shown by similarities in outfit transformations, as elements of the superpowered persons apperance change to resemble each other.

-Changes in colour are extremely rare and usually only occur in small aspects

other changes and risks: Some changes are permanent and may not disappear when a superpowered person detransforms.

-Reproductive changes: Any biological offspring will have the exact same powers as the parent. However, pregnancy will be risky, and have a high rate of failure, especially if the mother does not have any superpowered abilities.

-Dreams: While there is no known reason for this occurrence, supers will rarely be able to remember their dreams, except those with dream related abilities or legacy supers. However, despite this the people in question will usually be experiencing nightmares, and superpowered people are at high risk for night terrors and sleep terror disorder.

-A superpowered person's body will adapt to their powers and it is extremely unlikely for one to be harmed by their own power, but this may result in permanent changes that may cause inconvenience in daily life. If this is something you or a loved one experience, please inform your GP

-Overuse of powers: While powers appear to be adapted to not cause harm to the user, overuse of powers can result in a large amount of pain and possible long term damage

below that is an image of two people, on looking like a doctor, a pale man with dull brown hair and dull green eyes, dressed as a doctor and smiling with a clipboard, looking at a person shown from  behind, with long mint hair.

page 5: what does this mean for me?

Discovering and controlling your abilities is often the first step one may take inbecoming a superhero. Here at the P.I.S we offer many pathways to doing so,including all required training, courses, and experiences.

We also acknowledge that some super powered people do not seek to become asuperhero, but the P.I.S still has a place for them! We offer many career pathsand courses for almost any job and  our career advisors can match up the perfectpower-job combinations to give you a leg up if you are interested in using yourabilities in your career.  For more information, visit jobs.pis.uk

Use of powers in a job, or to otherwise earn money using superpowered abilities,without a license is a serious offence that can result in fines starting from £5000,and a potential ban from working in that field.

below is the superhero arrow, grinning at a woman in a plain looking suit. he has one hand on his hip and the other is shaking hands with the woman. the women has red hair and eyes, and pointy red nails.

Due to the nature of superpowered abilities, it is important to gettailored advice and support for affected individuals.For more information call us at our support helpline at 020 7946 0xxx. Both our lines are open from 8:30am-10pm mon-fri and 9:30am-9pm sat.You can also visit our website for more resources at pis.uk/resources. end id]

sorry for last weeks lack of update, irl stuff is happening too much and too fast

anyway heres something ive wanted to do for a while, a pamphlet thats kinda medical style? it seemed like it would be fun and i wanted an excuse to try something new and im always down to infodump (affectionate) about my ocs

however im half asleep, ive already delayed an update for a week, and im a little stressed so i didnt get a proper proofread so sorry if theres any typo or if i left a placeholder in ill get it later if i see any late

edit: did i really forget to fucking finish the fake phone number at the end? anyway sometimes fake phone numbers are reserved for tv and stuff if a phone number is needed, thats the one used for london fake numbers, i just forgot to finish it until i went back to write the id there

[444piscesprincess]

childhood friends to lovers/growing up together sterek fic reclist

uhh this kinda got a lil angsty but i recommend you pick a growing up together fic and listen to this song i promise you will not regret it 

https://open.spotify.com/track/5Dz8nrwQlPLE68WaTEIqY5?si=aogjMc1aToSALmAlfQOR7A 

anyways as usual check tags please!!

(click on the title for the fic)

you know you're on my mind

bibliosexual

Summary:

If there’s one thing Derek’s learned in life, it’s that crushing on someone who lives on an entire other fucking continent is probably a bad idea.

(hs!au + texting!au + childhood friends to lovers the ULTIMATE fluff fic)

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)   (series)

yodasyoyo

Summary:

Stiles is six years old when he first hears Derek's voice in his head.

Or what happens if you have a soulmate bond, in a universe where soulmate bonds don't exist?

Up Down Lock Unlock

isthatbloodonhisshirt (wasterella)

Summary:

“Why are you going into grandma Ito’s apartment?” he asked.

Derek turned to him, key sliding into the lock. “What do you mean?” He tried to turn it, but the key wasn’t budging. Maybe the lock was sticking again, it’d been doing that the past few days.

Stiles was staring at him like Derek was stupid.

Derek did not appreciate sass from a ten year old.

“That’s grandma Ito’s place.”

“No,” Derek said calmly, pulling the key out and then shoving it back in, wiggling it a little when it continued to refuse to unlock the door. “This is my place.”

“I think you’re on the wrong floor then, because that apartment belongs to grandma Ito.”

(time travel counts as childhood friends right?)

the difference between going back and going home

thepsychicclam

Summary:

Stiles and Derek were inseparable growing up, but then college, jobs, and life happened. When Stiles comes back to Beacon Hills a decade later, he doesn't expect to reconnect with Derek, and he sure doesn't expect to fall in love with him.

It's Such a Gas When You Bring Up the Past

orphan_account

Summary:

Stiles finds a box of old photo albums that dredge up the sweet, the funny, the adorable, and the mildly heartwrenching parts of his and Derek's past.

(mainly a friends fic but its too cute to not include)

It's Always Been You

charlesdk

Summary:

Stiles' love life was practically non-existing, always had been. He was always terrible at picking up clues when people hit on him (it had happened, Erica had been witness to it and had been the one to let him know it was happening in the first place) because he never expected anyone to do so.

He wasn't the most desirable guy around, he knew that. He was loud, extremely nerdy, never knew when to stop talking, not exactly much of a looker if you asked him, the list was endless.

Point was, he never did know when someone was flirting with him. Which was probably how he ended up in the fight that would change his life for the better.

Lead You Home Again

GotTheSilver

Summary:

The first time Derek meets Stiles, the kid’s brown eyes are wide, and he’s staring up at him with a mischievous grin as he tugs at the arm of Derek’s first ever Batman figure like he’s trying to separate it from Batman’s body.

An alternate take on Teen Wolf, wherein Stiles and Derek are childhood friends, and things unfold from there.

Kingdom By The Sea

kilaem

Summary:

Lydia grabs his arm and pulls him down in the seat next to her. “When the hell did you find time to bag a guy like Hale?”

“We’re friends,” Stiles feels his face heat up, and then the team are running out and Derek sees him and smiles. His blush gets worse.

“Oh really?”

“Our moms were friends, okay? We’ve been in diapers together.”

“I thought you two hated each other.”

Those That Bump In The Night

bleep0bleep

Summary:

A boy’s head appears upside down, hanging off the bed. “Is anyone there?” he calls out curiously, looking right at Derek’s eyes. Caught, then. The protocol for being deliberately seen by a child is just to look as strange and fearsome as possible. No one would believe them, anyways. But Derek is tired, and he’s been running and scared, and now he just kind of flickers, curling out a tendril of dark smoke, hoping that he’s a little bit scary. No such luck. The boy’s eyes widen. “Oooh, are you the bogeyman?” “Bogeyperson,” Derek says, before he can help himself.

~

When Stiles was a boy, he had an imaginary friend named Derek. Ten years later, Derek comes back, and is very, very real.

Five Times Derek and Stiles Kissed For Practice (And One Time They Didn't)

mikkimouse

Summary:

In which Derek and Stiles grow up together and practice kissing, roughly in that order.

216 + 1: Words To Say Instead of I Love You

briggs

Summary:

Derek and Stiles have been best friends for fourteen years. They have their differences, sure, but it's never been a question for them. Their friendship has been the most solid thing in their lives -- until suddenly it isn't anymore.

Funny how just a few choice words can throw fourteen years of friendship off-balance.

OR

a collection of "Bro, That's Gay" one-shots that actually ended up turning into a concrete storyline.

hope is the thing with feathers (part of a series)

ShanaStoryteller

Summary:

Stiles is ten when he saves the Hales from their burning home and Derek from a wolfsbane bullet, and this establishes a pattern that seem to continue indefinitely.

"Then he's facing a burning home, and he wraps the hood of his sweatshirt around his mouth before he pushes the door open and steps inside. There's Mr. Hale asleep - he hopes asleep - on the couch, next to - Stiles thinks that's his brother but there are so many Hales, who can keep track. He rushes over and starts shaking him, can see the rise and fall of the man's chest so he knows he's alive, but he's not waking up. He shoves away his hood so he can shout, "Mr. Hale! You have to get up, there's a fire! Mr. Hale, get up!" Nothing, he's not even twitching, both of them taking in deep even breaths like they're having the most peaceful of rests, and Stiles is going to cry. "Wake up, wake up, wake up!" There's a moment, where all Stiles can hear is the blood rushing in his ears and not the roar of the flames or the creak of wood, then with a violent, silent pop it's all back and both of the men are gasping awake, eyes open and jumping to their feet. "

(one of my favourite fics like EVER)

it came from the trees

whatshouldntbe

Summary:

“Don’t worry, Scott caught me up on everything,” Kira assures with a bubbly smile via video-chat. “You and Derek, huh? I probably should have seen that coming. I always thought it might be Cora, but Derek was the one that looked at you how I used to look at you.”

Stiles goes a little pink. “It’s still kinda new but, yeah. I really like him. He’s...” Beautiful. Patient. Smart. Painfully honest. Sweet.“...a total dork.”

Kira laughs and laughs. When she gets herself together, she replies, “Yeah, those little hearts and stars in your eyes definitely say different."

or

Stiles moves from the shiny, fast-paced lifestyle of Los Angeles to the foggy, sleepy town of Beacon Hills so his dad can become the new sheriff. Newly fifteen, he does his best to finish out his freshman year of high school (by staying under the radar) when he suddenly becomes the Beyoncé of the Supernatural community. And, without much prompting on his part, he ends up catching the eye of one of the most prominent Werewolf families in all of North America. It literally all starts with a stuffed animal(s).

(oh god this fic is the literal best even though its abandoned it ends at okay-ish place. this is one of the best hale family characterisations ive ever read. if you squint it can be a childhood friends to lovers fic but im including it anyway bc its amazing)

Promises aren't Meant to be Broken

paradis

Summary:

“Thanks for saving me,” Stiles blurts out, staring up at Laura, wide eyed.

Laura grins. “I like you,” she says, “we’ll be friends.”

(more laura and stiles besties centric but totally worth a read)

The Things We See

MelodramaticSalad

Summary:

Stiles grew up in the life of knowing that there was always more to life than what others saw with a first glance. Even as a child he saw things that no one else seemed to and always had a fascination with the unusual.

Some considered him an unusual child, but Claudia welcomed every single quirk her son displayed. His mother had a few special talents of her own and thrilled her to see it in her son as well. She'd raised Stiles to always keep his mind open and as grew and started to display his powers, she began to teach him how to use them. She even taught Stiles about werewolves at a young age, his infatuation with them growing once he had learned the truth about her closest friend.

Stiles spent nearly every possible moment that he could roaming the Hale house, following after the middle child most of the time. Derek was three years older than Stiles, but the bond they developed with each other was something their mothers considered out of a story book. Like Derek, Stiles was sensitive to his emotions, but unlike Derek, Stiles didn't need a scent to figure it out. He could feel it.

take me back

matildajones

Summary:

“I dare you to kiss me,” Stiles taunts, and he’s not expecting the way Derek says a naughty word under his breath and then leans forward.

Stiles yelps. He just dodges Derek’s mouth before he’s laughing wildly and running through the trees, calling out a series of ew ew ew as Derek chases him back home.

[petersasteria]

Younger (IV) - Peter Parker

Pairing: Peter x Reader

Back at it again with a theme

Inspired by: Younger by Ruel

PP Masterlist || Younger (I) || Younger (II) || Younger (III)

I’m so sorry for it being overdue, but I hope 1.3k words can make up for it.

* * * *

"I saw you just the other night

I didn't even recognize you Find it kinda strange, I guess that people change But I didn't expect you to"

The effects of The Blip really took a toll on Peter. He just wasn't the same anymore and he was shutting you out all the time even though you've been dating for about two years now. Before you knew it, he was moving on without you. You started to notice the little changes Peter made.

He would look at MJ a lot more and he started paying attention to her more too. This obviously upset you and the fact that MJ would do the same whenever Peter wasn't looking, upset you even more. You talked to Peter about it, but he said that you were just crazy. It made you sad, but you decided not to talk about it anymore so that you wouldn't upset Peter.

You also noticed that MJ was beginning to talk to Peter a lot more than usual. There was nothing wrong with that, but it was just so unlike her.

When the trip to Europe came around, you were really excited. You thought that it would be romantic for you and Peter to just relax around and maybe have some gelato or something. That would be a fail, though because the whole Mysterio thing happened and whenever he was free, he'd spend it with Ned or MJ. He seemed to forget that you existed because he was surprised when you knocked on his hotel room after the whole thing.

When you got back in New York, Peter started to become really really distant. He texts and calls you less and he would turn you down whenever you’d ask if he wanted to hang out. When your third anniversary came around, he was a no show even though you constantly texted him about it. He wouldn’t reply, but he’d leave you on read. So, he knew what your plans were.

He showed up at your apartment that night and he just broke up with you. He wasn’t there to say sorry for missing your anniversary. He was just there to break up with you with no explanation whatsoever..

“I’m so sorry, Y/N. It’s just not working out anymore.” Peter said.

“Are you seriously breaking up with me today?” You asked in disbelief and he just shrugged. You rolled your eyes and said, “It’s our anniversary, Peter.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, ‘oh’. Get out of my apartment. Have a nice life, Parker.” You said angrily. Peter walked himself out and closed the door. You couldn’t believe that after three years of being together, he would throw it away for reasons you don’t know.

When school started, you wanted a fresh start. If you were being honest, you didn’t have any friends. You only had friends because Peter was your boyfriend and he already had Ned. And as much as you wanted to say ‘hi’ to Ned, you knew he would just avoid you because his loyalty stood with Peter which you completely understood.

You didn’t have anywhere to sit during lunch time, so you just sat on your own outside by the bleachers. As you were staring at the cheerleaders while you were eating, you began to think about the things you’ve always wanted to change during this fresh start of yours. Your family was well off, so cleared out your closet when you got home on Friday and went on a major shopping spree to buy new things for yourself: new clothes, skin care products, a little bit of makeup, new bags, a few accessories and even a new phone case. You also got a new haircut which you absolutely loved.

When you arrived at school on Monday with your completely new look, everyone stared at you in awe when you walked along the halls of school.

“Dude, is that Y/N?” Ned nudged Peter. He glanced at you and he had to look at you for a while because he wasn’t sure if it was you or not. Sure enough, it really was you.

“Yeah, it’s her.” Peter said in shock.

“She has a whole new look.” Ned said. “I like it, though! She looks great!”

“Yeah, she does.” Peter said softly.

During lunch time, you were on your way out to sit on the bleachers when one of the popular kids invited you to sit on their table. You smiled and immediately agreed. You learned about typical high school gossip and you learned about which skirt looks good with a particular top. You knew that those people were only hanging out with you because of your new style, but it felt good to hang out with a new group. It’s a new school year and you deserved to start new. Peter did the same, anyway.

A few months later, your eighteenth birthday came and you invited all the seniors to your summer house. Since you invited all seniors, Peter, Ned, and MJ went. Ned got you a present and you gave him a tight hug because you missed him. After that, Peter never got to give you your present because you were dragged by your new friend somewhere.

Peter didn’t see you the rest of the night, but that changed when he saw some guy trying to kiss your neck even though you tried to push him away. You were grateful for Peter because he saved you from it and it was awkward between you after that.

“Um, happy birthday.” Peter said, breaking the awkward silence.

“Thanks.” You said shortly. “And thanks again for saving me back there. If you weren’t there, something might’ve happened and yeah. Just- thanks.”

“Yeah, s’no problem. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if something were to happen to you. I mean, I already witnessed it, y’know? If I didn’t save you and something bad happened to you, I wouldn’t forgive myself.” Peter said.

“Yeah, well I’m okay now. Thanks again.”

“So, new clothes?” Peter said, making small talk. “What happened to your old ones? You don’t seem to be wearing them anymore.”

“Oh, that’s because I donated them. I figured I should start fresh. It’s our last year of high school and I haven’t done anything. So, I started fresh. New school year, new me.”

“Yeah, I didn’t recognize you.” Peter said softly. “It’s like the old Y/N’s gone. I kinda miss the old you.”

“Well, she was dying when you started shutting her out and when you broke up with her, she was pronounced dead. You don’t get to miss the old me because you left the old me with no explanation. Besides, I’ve learned to accept that you most likely left me for MJ. I understand and while I’m still bitter, I can be civil.” You said coldly.

“I just didn’t expect you to change. You were still welcome to sit with us, but you sat on your own. No one kicked you out, you let yourself out. You didn’t have to change your whole look or whatever because you’re still our friend and we like you for you. Now all you have are these fake people who like you because of how you dress yourself and because you’re rich.” 

“That’s part of the change, Parker. Deal with it.” You said calmly even though you were pissed at him for talking to you that way. How dare he? “Help yourself to some food and drinks. I have to go to my friends now.”

“Y/N, I’m still your friend.” Peter sighed. “And we’ll always be friends. I don’t understand why our friendship has to end just because I broke up with you.”

“Like I said, deal with it. I have to go and find my friends. I’m sure MJ’s looking for you. Good night, Parker.” You said curtly before leaving him standing alone.

* * * *

𝐏𝐄𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐊𝐄𝐑 𝐓𝐀𝐆𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓: @blueleatherbag​ @harryismysunflower​ @buckys-little-hoe​ @sandystoriess​ @heeeyitskay​ @slytherin-chaser​ @quaksonhehe​ @yaya4302​ @lil-mellow-bunbun​ @starlight-starks​ @swiftmind​ @alexx-stancati​ @sovereignparker​ @nerdyandproudofitsstuff​ @pearce14​ @cherthegoddess​ @chewymoustachio​ @cocoamoonmalfoy​ @parkerlovebot​ @supred12​ @peterspidey​ @givebuckyhisplumsnow​ @beverlythrillz​ @slutforsr​ 

𝐆𝐄𝐍𝐄𝐑𝐀𝐋 𝐓𝐀𝐆𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓:  @marvelousell @justasmisunderstoodasloki @rubberducky-jrr @allyz @osterfieldnholland @miraclesoflove @god-knows-what-am-i-doing @drie-the-derp @hollands-weasley @itstaskeen  @call-me-baby-gir1 @the-panwitch @iamaunicorn4704 @geminiparkers @holland-styles @calltothewild @fancyxparker @herbatkazmiloscia @whatthefuckimbisexual @justanothermarvelmaniac @unsaidholland @musicalkeys @lost-in-the-stars03 @hufflepuffprincess24 @hollanddolanfangirl @parkerpeter24 @bellelittleoff @agentnataliahofferson @aqiise @lexirv @blairscott @hi-im-maddie @xfirstfemale-marauderx @u-rrose @speedymaximoff

[fireeaglespirit]

@fireeaglespirit @viviane-lefay i do worry sometimes with the stories I write if things might be too much for you. To be fair I dont think in any fanfic Ive ever written anything too explicit but now Im so conscious of other people’s viewpoints and being inclusive that it is a concern. Ultimately I write what I want to/need to but I am aware it might not be for all tastes hence always trying to follow ratings etc.

Replying here so it doesn’t cause any problems with OP, etc..

Ohh. I’m sorry if this worried you.. tbh this was very random and I wasn’t even thinking about fiction when I rb this. This one reminded me of a few times I went out with friends and colleagues and I just felt starkly asexual, lmao

About my tolerance regarding sex and explicitly in fiction, I’ll be honest with you…

There’s hardly anything I could say I wouldn’t read about. I just don’t feel ‘triggers’ or anything of the sort, no hard feelings when it gets to fiction and I value your will to be conscious of other viewpoints but its practically impossible to cater to all tastes like you said, so don’t worry about it much… there’s always someone out there who will feel offended and others who will fiercely love it.

As for myself, I’m very tolerant to sexual content in fiction, idk? I don’t seek it out particularly but its not a deal breaker either.

I know some asexual people are less tolerant, I usually just get a ‘meh’ feeling whenever those subjects are touched in much detail, idk some works do get nasty and bothersome because of much detail involving sexual practices so I just give up on them or put them aside when they bring me no joy but I gladly consume material with sex on it as long as I like some aspects of it. Also, I’m good at ignoring or glossing over things I don’t like in fiction… when I read explicit scenes with intercourse it does nothing to me and my eyes focuses on the sentences I loved such as regarding the feelings between the characters and subtle interactions instead of the physical/carnal aspects of it, and this makes it all worthy it.

Even so, some works might become overwhelmingly depressive or repulsive so I might put them aside even if I enjoyed an aspect of it or I might just skip through them and this happened recently to a series of fantasy books I tried to read which were actually really good but they were so overwhelmingly and unnecessarily dark and had an horrid oppressive atmosphere towards women an sex so I just felt no joy reading them? Its not like I was traumatized by its tone but it felt like a chore and I couldn’t care about it further and no character inspired me whatsoever that the world could change for the better, so I dropped them.

But its not like I’m judging it, I just feel weirded out to some things and I just imagine the kind of mind that takes upon themselves the chore to write a whole series of book which has nothing but suffering and misery in them, especially concerning women, lol. We already had this shit in history and still have in some places in the world so I kinda feel like its not interesting for me to read about it in a fictional setting, especially if I don’t feel like the writer is going to challenge the setting.

But I’m aware most people are much more sensitive… these things can be horrid for those who are more sensitive, and perhaps my own asexuality protects me from feeling it fully as I don’t even think of myself as a being capable of partaking in this (weird, I know), so I have problem even projecting.

But I did felt really strongly for the way women were oppressed absurdly and had their agency completely obliterated, so that sparked a sort of empathy or kinship in me which made progress in such book a chore…

You got my point and this just illustrates a bit my relationship to fiction and things that irk me since you were interested in my opinion… I have another example of fantasy book with lots of sex in it:

I read asoiaf even thought its full of sexual stuff but I don’t feel joy at these parts, yet the work is so good on other themes that I ignore it for the most part… but even so, recently I’ve read F&B and it was kinda overwhelming on the sexist aspect with myriads of female characters turned into child brides and raped and dying at their childbirth repeatedly it just got very tiresome and repetitive near the end, because there where almost no counterpoints to it, unlike in the main series where the situation is dire for women but we have characters challenging it more often and idk. F&B just lacked on that front.

So, this shows a bit my sensitivity towards sex is more related to sexism and the feeling that women are confined to their reproductive aspects: motherhood, childbearing, marriage, sensuality, etc.. I don’t have a problem with sexual intercourse per se as you can see, but that’s from my unique point of view and I know some asexuals are more repulsed towards it, but you asked my opinion…

So, if its consensual sex: its not my cup of tea but I don’t feel like its a deal breaker…

Just to give you a positive sex example: when I see an OTP of mine getting to the point of having sex I think its pretty sweet, like when Jon and Dany consummated their love on that boat… I was happy for them, for all that it means, the symbolism between the union of ice and fire and just two characters which I love dearly, finding happiness and comfort in each other. What’s not to love about it??

This is a rare stance I can say I saw a pair I ship get to that point xD

I love shipping as you know, but its more about the psychological aspects and potential for character development and even when I’m reading fanfic about my OTPs I enjoy more the angst and symbolism than the ‘hot’ parts which usually just makes me go ‘meh’ (again).

So this makes me say: when sex is the focus of works I could feel like I’m too asexual for this, even if it regards an OTP, it just doesn’t have a very exciting effect on me or I’m not explicitly interested in this part of a relationship, when so many other things caught my eye… sometimes subtle interactions and dialogue and and gentle approximation (touches, caresses, kissing, etc..) is so much more exciting for me to read about than the ‘thing’ itself, lol.

To sum it up: when its there just for p*rn or even worse, shock value it just makes me go ‘meh’ or ‘ugh’ or ‘uhh why am I even reading this?’

This reminds me of Vivi’s take on the ‘hiero gamos’, in this case I just say I might even enjoy the theme as long as the scenes involving sex are meaningful and passionate and the aspect I value the most about them are sublime and platonic instead of carnal but I’m aware the carnal aspects are very important for the characters and the audience so I also worry when I get to show my stories people will think they lack sexual content ^^  I get you.

Now that you know my feelings towards sex in fiction, to a broader sense I just wanted to say..

There’s no way to guess people’s sensitives but it doesn’t mean you need to walk on eggshells afraid to trigger people all the time, hell no! I’m all for freedom of creation. At least around me there are no metaphorical ‘eggshells’.

Everyone has their own set of opinions which makes them unique, not just me, I mean…  even so I will let my snowflake syndrome show but I’m quite peculiar if you could say, so I sort of grew a strong ‘carapace’ towards the world as I deal with people with completely different views and values on a daily basis which might make me have inflamed political opinions while at the same time, I’m very flexible and forgiving when it comes to fiction in general.

I don’t expect much of the population to be like this so I’m also self conscious when it gets to writing my own stuff because I know people can feel very strongly about it and you’ve seen the way fandom reacts to minor things and bash creators when they perceive flaws in their work… I’m just not a judgmental person, its not in my nature. I just ignore things in fiction if I don’t like and I became even more relaxed over time in regards to this all, lol I nearly reached a ‘nirvana’ as I don’t even feel strongly negative feelings in regard to this.

Snarky and bitter comments from time to time? Yes… but no hard feelings. RL needs my hatred, lol so I don’t have it to spare with fiction any longer.

Anyway, on an unrelated sub note… as you might have noticed, I don’t feel comfortable about current fandom trends and specially policing, and with reason as this gets very serious and quick with literally ‘wave chain reactions’ of hatred sparked apparently from nowhere. I hope people could create more freely instead of the political correct police and restraining of creativity we have now. It was good for a while and I’m all for diversity and change in status quo (for the better), but I think this has gone too far and I perceive a lot of rigidity in fiction right now due to fear of fandom backlash we have creators afraid to make their thing and afraid it isn’t ‘inclusive or progressive’ enough… so they bend themselves endlessly until fandom ‘approves’ them, but even so someone is bound to scream and say the work is offensive and the cycle of hatred is restarted.

I know this reply was like a huge egocentric monologue and I strained with non related issues at the end, but you asked my thought on this so I tried to convey it with detail.. including things related to the perception we have concerning fictional themes and I just kinda had to vent at some parts of it.

etc…. This doesn’t mean I forbid judgment from others or criticism or that I forbid people from harshly criticizing works of fiction, just that sometimes it gets more harmful than beneficial and scare people off, and I felt like saying that.

Anyway,,, just want to say nonetheless I find it very sweet and considerate that you are taking different opinions in mind while writing, but you don’t need to worry at least from my part, and I don’t think you ever got even close to being explicit in your writings so there’s absolutely nothing to worry about.

[mareshmallow]

Second Time’s a Charm? pt III

(pt i) (pt ii) (pt iv)

Without warning I follow him and Cal scrambles to follow. He blessedly keeps quiet as we make our way to the caf. Or more specifically the door leading to the stage, except we only needed to get under it. We were responsible for providing an exit from the caf if we needed to avoid anyone in the room and get out quickly.

There was a reason I was responsible for this. I easily twist through the passage unlike Cal who curses after bumping his head for the third time. This time I don't snicker. The first time he'd turned bright red and as satisfying as it had been it was wasting time.

The passage comes to a stop and this is the difficult part; opening the hatch. It was well out of my reach and a ladder was usually used but it wasn't here now like I thought it would be. "Fuck," I breathed. I hear a louder 'shit" behind me as Cal takes this in as well. "Who the hell took out the ladder?"

"You've been here before?" I ask, too surprised to keep the silent treatment up.

"Yes," is the only reply he gives without any further explanation.

I grimace at the thought of my next words, of what would have to be done. "I need you to boost me up."

He whips his head at me. "Relax," I snap. "I already got my cootie shot if that's what you were worried about."

His nostrils flare. "That's not what I'm worried about."

Oh? "So what is it then?"

He stares at me like I'm an idiot. I gesture for him to get out with it. He sighs and mutters something under his breath. I tilt my ear at him in an exaggerated movement. "I'm sorry, I didn't hear that Tiberias. Could you speak a little louder?"

"You could get hurt."

I make a sound between a laugh and scoff. "I'm sure that would haunt you for all your days, now hurry."

"Fine," he grinds out. "But it's your funeral."

You're already dressed for it, I think.

"Oh please, a little fall won't hurt me, I've had worse."

He kneels and I place my foot in the cradle of his arms. "On the count of three," I tell him. "One, two-- wait!"

"What?" he asks. "Oh seriously, right now?" he huffs out as I take out my phone. I shoot him a glare. "It's dark and unless you have fucking night vision then how else do you expect me to see?"

"You got a new phone," he murmurs before snapping back to the task at hand. I shift uncomfortably. I didn't expect him to remember but he did.

I shine the light in his eyes and he recoils. "Good it works, now get down."

His eyebrows lift suggestively and I smack him. "Not that like that you dirty minded creep."

I struggle to find my balance in his arms this time while holding the light. The sensation of my skin on his isn't helping either. "One," I begin, "two, three!" He lifts me up and and I shine the light upwards. There it was, the handle to the hatch. I push against it as hard as I can but it won't budge. Again, again. This time I hear a creak and with a final shove it opens. I let out a little cheer as Cal lowers me back down. He smiles as well. "Nice job, I guess."

"Mhmm. You did okay too. Now let's go."

He chuckles at my reluctant praise.

That was only one of our tasks. Next were the fog machines. There should be four in the caf, each in a different corner which was a little more difficult. But there was two of us so it should be quite easy.

We get in the line to enter and a girl at the door hand us our blue bracelets that grace the wrist of everyone inside. "So what are you two supposed to be?" she asks.

"I'm Zeus and he's--"

"Hades," he cuts in looking at me with puzzlement. Hm. He was the god of fire? I thought he got back from a funeral with all that god-awful black. It also happened to be very distracting.

"Huh," the girl says. "That's an odd couple's costume."

"Oh no she's not--"

"Really, I would never--"

"Never, really? That's--"

"Okay well enjoy the dance," she says a little too loudly as if despairing of us. "Next!" I hear her shout as we enter. Luckily the darkness conceals my flush. "You take the far end and meet me by the snacks table." He nods slowly, still reeling I assume. "Nice position."

"Really? I chose it because after all this I'm feeling a little hungry."

He laughs loudly. "I'd forgotten about that appetite of yours. See you later, Barrow"

As I make my way to the first machine I realize I've been grinning ever since I walked away. I try and fail to to wipe it away.

Slinking amongst the shadows is a specialty of mine so it's fairly easy to get to the machine. A soft blanket of mist covers the floor and I cackle to myself. It was about to get much more interesting in here. I instructed Cal to set them to medium. High would be way too much and there was four of them. Plus I needed it to take a while so Maven and Thomas could arrive. Hopefully Shade, Farley and Kilorn were all doing well.

I move onto the next machine as I scan for Cal. I see him finishing up on his second one and heading towards the snack table. Somehow he senses my stare and turns. I pull my gaze away and ahead of me to see a chest slam into mine. "Shit!" the person exclaims. "I'm sorry, I wasn't looking where I was--" I look up to see Will gazing at me with shock. Punch drips off the both of us and it smells of alcohol. "Uh...hey, Mare," he says after what feels like forever of us staring at each other.

"Hey," I croak. I rush to clear my throat. "Hey, uh, how's it..going?" He laughs awkwardly. "Well we're both covered in what I'm sure is ninety- nine percent alcohol, which again, I'm really sorry for."

"It's my fault too, I was--"

"Looking for someone?"

"Yeah..."

Ugh this is so awkward. Please earth swallow me now.

"Hey, babe," Cal says behind me. He puts an arm around me and smiles casually. "Who's your friend?"

"Just leaving actually," Will says. He smiles at me. "It was nice seeing you again, and I'm sorry..for everything." The words have an effect on us both.

When he leaves, I pull myself out from Cal's grip. He wipes his hands on his pants and I wrinkle my nose. "Was that necessary?"

"No," he replies. Cal begins to shrug off his jacket and hands it to me. Before I can protest he stops me. "It looks like you murdered someone."

"Thanks," I mutter. The punch was drying now and was all sticky. Cal sees this of course.

"I guess you just got yourself into--"

"Don't fucking finish that--"

"a sticky situation," he finishes with a goofy smile. I sigh loudly. "More than you know," I mutter.

My phone buzzes and I take it out, doing my best to not get punch all over it. "Shit!" I exclaim when I read the text.

"What is it?" Cal asks. He sneaks a glance at my phone.

"Kilorn was caught. Apparently a group of kids heard him coughing and reported him after they found him tampering with the lights." I was concerned for Kilorn and pissed at myself for not only not thinking about that but jeopardizing this plan.

"Who texted you then?"

"Shade. They finished up and were coming to check on him when they saw the principal walking him out." I groan in frustration.

I text him back quickly.

"What are you typing?"

"I'm telling them to get Kilorn out and take him home. He's sick and I should've insisted on him staying home.

"Soo, what now? "

I look up as if the ceiling held the right answer. Putting an end to this and going home would be the easiest thing to do. But it was something of a tradition for Shade, Kilorn and I. Shade especially would be disappointed if we gave up. Sure there would be other dances but I knew that Halloween was special to him as well as Farley being here.

"I think we should call it off," I say slowly, not believing my own words. Neither does Cal. "You don't give up, not like this." I whirl around ready to snap at him but his soft gaze stops me. This wasn't right. He shouldn't be looking at me like that. Not when I was the one who had messed up.

"There's something you should know," I say quietly. I needed to get this done and over with. The plan was off anyway with everyone else gone.

His eyebrows raise at the change in subject. Still he waits for me to continue.

"Do remember the guy I bumped into?"

"Kinda hard to forget when you smell like fruit salad and an LCBO store."

"That was Will...my...ex."

Confusion is what I see flash first. Then understanding.

"The guy who stood you up," he states. It wasn't a question.

"Yes."

This was the difficult part. My fingers twitched as I restrained myself from running.

"A few months ago," I continue, "I was out at a party. Typical night except that...it wasn't."

I suck in a breath. There was no stopping now. Still, the words refused to pass my lips.

Cal inches closer. His thumb grazes my hand and his lips part. "God, you're freezing Mare." His arms encircle me and I pull away. I don't miss the hurt in eyes before they go blank. It was better this way. At least now it wouldn't hurt so much.

"I slept with him Cal. I wasn't thinking straight...neither was he. It was a mistake. I'm--" my throat closes up and I struggle to keep tears from falling. "I'm sorry," I whisper. "You deserve so much more. That's why I couldn't and still can't talk to you. It hurts to even look at you," I add softly.

I want to look away from the storm of emotions flashing across his face but I force myself to watch. This is what I deserved for my foolish actions.

He's silent for a while. So am I. The words were still sinking in. There was no way he could forgive me. But still, I feel the hope rising in my chest before I'm forced to shove it down.

"I..I need to go," he forces out. I swear I see the glimmer of tears in his eyes. Cal turns away sharply before twisting through the crowd. I feel the piercing gaze of fellow students as they stopped to stare. I got a few sympathetic smiles and I let out an defeated sigh at the sight of them. I really knew how to pick my spots.

"Was that Tiberias Calore?" a soft voice at my right asks. I turn to face them and find Elane Haven watching his retreating form now swallowed up by the crowd. "Unfortunately so," I reply. I look her in the eyes. "What do you want? To gloat over my failed love life?"

Elane snorts. "If only I had enough energy to care." Her brown eyes soften slightly as she says, "But I do know how screwed up a relationship can be. It's worth it in the end though, the tears and the pain. You just have to be willing to fight for them, even if that means risking your pride."

I'm taken off guard. Never would I have expected Elane Haven to be giving me advice on love. Maybe on my outfit with a sneer but not this.

She places a hesitant hand on my, arm the touch so light that it's almost unrecognizable. "You should go after him."

I bite my lip and laugh, shaking my head mockingly. "I'm sorry, but why the hell are you doing this? What happened to 'thrift store fashion died two years ago Barrow, take a hint?' What kind of twisted game are you playing now, Haven?"

She sniffs. "And yet you still dress like a-" I clear my throat. "Okay look, the same thing happened with me and Evangeline. But it was your brother who told me the same thing I'm telling you now. If he hadn't..." she trails off. "I love Eve so much that hurts to think what would be now if I hadn't fought for her and with her," she laughs a little. Her gaze is solemn. "You care about him, so go before you lose him forever."

I let out a shaky breath. Shade comforted Elane and encouraged her to go after Evangeline? That was something new. Perhaps a piece in the puzzle if what had really happened. But her words rang true. It sounded like something Shade would say if he were here right now. Well...if he and Cal were on better terms.

"Thanks Elane." The words unsettle us both.

"Don't mention it," she smiles though it's strained. "Seriously, don't ever mention this again. To anyone."

I laugh lightly, sniffing a little. My cheeks feel wet from tears I hadn't even known had been there. "If only you extend the same courtesy."

"I will, believe me. Now hurry, if he's not gone by now."

Then I'm off. Running through the halls. They whip past me, locker after locker. Rain pours in sheets outside and distantly thunder rumbles. A storm.

I can't see him anywhere. It's so impossibly dark and clouds roll overhead, blocking out the faint glow of the moon. This is it, he's gone. I'm breathing heavily now, breaking down into sobs. My dress is soaked through probably making it sheer. I wrap myself tighter in his jacket and inhale the scent. He'd forgotten it, I think weakly. How could I be so stupid? I kick at the soda cans littering the parking lot in frustration. In my haze of self pity I barely even notice the car that comes to a screeching halt in front of me. The bright lights momentarily blind me from seeing the driver. They get out of the car and the door slams shut.

"Oh my god are you-" the words freeze on their tongue and I wait for the flashes of white to disappear.

"I'm really sorry," I croak out. "I don't even know why I came out here in the first place." I laugh sarcastically. "Actually I do know, see, I was running out here all rom-com like in the rain hoping to stop the guy I love from leaving. But he's gone so-"

"The guy you love?" the stranger says so softly I barely hear him.

"Mhm, it's all very terribly romantic I'm afraid. Anyways, I'm sorry-"

[smoliboops]

heckie

hey idk if you care anymore or if im just bothering you but i wanted to talk about this n get it off my chest? ok here goes-

basically an extension of the cranbersher thing that happened yesterday

also this is gonna get v v long, sorry.

heres a link to the post made abt this: booperdoopcr.tumblr.com/post/166157910781/writeasoph-booperdoopcr-so-like-i-know

basically cranbersher/oliver beale- a stop-motion animator (and musician of sorts), who is best known for working for several youtubers- most notably several of marks older animations + a more recent reboot and one of jacks old outros- had a very cryptic message on his twitter (@cranbersher) yesterday.

his twitter header changed to black, his profile picture was a dark n glitched photo (seemingly of a face), his name changed to 6 black boxes and his description link changed to cranbersher.com/secrets.

he tweeted out a short video with no caption (i believe around 20-30s) of a black screen with glitched n garbled noises, with one bright flash near the middle.

he replied to people’s confused replies to the post with cryptic, short messages written in a small unicode text

shortly after this, he deleted the tweets n changed his twitter back to normal and set up a stream for cuphead.

this is all the clues there are cus oliver is a cryptic shit.

–

heres some stuff ive deduced/know?

the 6 black boxes he had as his name match up directly with the amount of letters in oliver- his real name. someone in the replies also noted this.

the strange video seems very similar to the cryptic videos mark posted lately on his twitter: 3 and 2.

the /secrets link in his info is NOT new. a while ago,it was up on his twitch under the command ’!secrets’- which would give you said link. he invited people to try n figure out what it meant/crack the password. (i remember one time in chat someone said they cracked it n cran mentioned it im not sure if it was for real/if they confirmed it w/ him which cran said he would.) however, it seems to not be up on his nightbot commands page anymore. (also, i swear im not lying w/ this- unfortunately w/ these cryptic things i have no proof to give but im certain it was there. the vods arent in his archive anymore but this is true, i promise.)

in the replies (some can be seen in the post linked @ the beginning) whoever cran is speaking as states they do not know who mark or dark is. this seems to directly contradict the theory that the dark situation n this is related, but 1) they could be lying or trying to avoid, 2) they could be unaware of the relation but still be connected, or 3) it could actually be completely unrelated- but i think this is a bit too much of a coincidence for that to be true. (the messages are just so cryptic n short it just seems unlikely, imo. also, if cran is just doing his own spoopy thing cus its october (which is possible n also cool), it seems odd he’d choose to address those questions b/c if he wanted to keep it separate, why not just ignore stuff abt other dark!egos n keep it his own? or im reading too far into this, but heck.)

(ooc) thinking more irl n literally, mark has worked w/ many artists, animators n fan creators in the past- even more so recently. as well as this, cran has worked w/ mark many times before- and is more closely related to him than other fan artists. (also hes in kinda like an ‘animator squad’ w/ other well-known animators/artists who worked closely w/ youtubers which basically has pixlpit, foolishcptnkia, grittysugar, nattcatt, and some others who are p close w/ mark n jack)

and thats all ive got for theories on that stuff (mostly idk i have bad memory n cant really explain that well w/ text)

–

and there’s more! wowie zowie. i didnt get a chance to look more at the video he posted cus i didnt get a chance to save it, but someone did reply to his next tweet w/ a pic of the glitched avatar so i tried to fuck around and see what i could get- heres the results.

this is the profile picture, unedited. (sorry if the image insert doesnt work idk if html works in submissions)

<img src=“https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DLkuYe6W4AAc86s.jpg”>

(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DLkuYe6W4AAc86s.jpg)

this is the profile picture, sharpened slightly. (this one is referenced for most of the other photos n such)

<img src=“https://i.imgur.com/xX1D6FC.png”>

(https://i.imgur.com/xX1D6FC.png)

this is the profile picture, cross-referenced w/ a front-on pic of oliver from his twitter.

<img src=“https://i.imgur.com/7sVKrRB.png”>

(https://i.imgur.com/7sVKrRB.png)

this is the profile picture, cross-referenced w/ a pic angled from below of oliver from his twitter. (i know this pic is really ~sketchy~ but it was the best one w/ this angle w/o digging through photos and videos so ye)

<img src=“https://imgur.com/awf6FgH”>

(https://imgur.com/awf6FgH)

this is the profile picture, cross-referenced w/ both pics. (kinda hard to really make it easier to understand)

<img src=“https://i.imgur.com/IWB8D48.png”>

(https://i.imgur.com/IWB8D48.png)

this is the profile picture, w/ a rough sketch of how the combined features would look overlaid the photos.

<img src=“https://i.imgur.com/n51oaJ4.png”>

(https://i.imgur.com/n51oaJ4.png)

this is the profile picture w/ the rough sketch alone.

<img src=“https://i.imgur.com/M3X68tO.png”>

(https://i.imgur.com/M3X68tO.png)

–

thats enough pic spam- lets talk abt this. it seems p certain that its a glitched photo of oliver- the facial features seem to match up fairly well. his face seems to be tilted weirdly back to the right (our right, shown by the arrows)- this is a p stereotypical menacing pose- its odd and inhuman which makes it look creepy to the audience. this also gives some major anti vibes- hes moving his head in a way thats uncomfortable and almost looks broken- choppy or glitched- not really something youd usually do or see.

but aside from that- its v shadowy n dark. there are some key facial features missing- the eyes n mouth- (the ears n features in the back would be hidden anyway) we associate these features w/ being human. thats why it looks so weird when someones missing an eye or has a 3rd eye or a stitched mouth.

not just that though- cran has something else that is associated w/ him. and its puppets- his stop-motion puppets. if you dont know- cran likes to have self-inserts in his animations and works- he has large self-insert parts in both his most recent mark animation n his cranbersher’s guide series that have large plot points or hidden plots associated w/ them. point is- puppets have a lot to do with his channel n image on the web.

abt a month ago, cran posted a tweet finishing off a month or so old thread that was quite eerie, to say the least. (keep in mind that puppets take a long, long time to make n that he only scraps them when they break, n this is obviously not normal) that ended in this photo:

<img src=“https://i.imgur.com/MyiHvDI.png”>

(https://i.imgur.com/MyiHvDI.png)

also, he had this photo as his header before and after this change. and what is clearly missing from this puppet thats different than his other puppets? well:

<img src=“https://i.imgur.com/DpcusuL.png”>

(https://i.imgur.com/DpcusuL.png)

<img src=“https://i.imgur.com/Ab3b8RR.png”>

(https://i.imgur.com/Ab3b8RR.png)

thats right fuckers- eyes and a mouth.

and what does that mean? quite frankly, i have no idea. im just rambling about my dumb thoughts.

(please validate me i spent 2 days on this,, fkin)

now for the super amazing end-card tournament!1!!

//

(holy toledo you really did your research that’s awesome! gg :O)

[mentalvapors]

Kevin Doesn't Live Here Anymore

Back at it again. Geez, when I started my tumblr (back in 2014 I think) I had the intention to update it regularly, every week maybe. But I lost track of it, like already one week after I started it. I feel bad for not updating it. One of my biggest regrets in life is probably that I never had a diary, because my memory just keeps getting worse and worse at the moment, and when I talk to people they are able recall so many thing from their past and I don't even know how to do simple math I learned in 4th grade. I cannot remember a single event from 4th grade or elementary school in general.

Okay this is just me thinking things right now, but I also feel like the reason why I never had a diary or never bothered to write blog entries is because I'm not a creative writer. And I'm not smart and I have no skills whatsoever and it's even worse when I write English sentences. And some people actually have personality and talent to make the most trivial things sound interesting. And I just feel like a brain dead person slamming my phalanges furiously on a keyboard. But should I feel bad about it? Pretty much everyone shares their opinions on thoughts about everything on the internet nowadays. I should not care about how bland I sound to other people.

I really wanted to gather some thoughts why university didn't work out for me. I feel like I never … I tried to think about the reason why I failed, but most of the time I was in sad mode and blamed myself for everything, which always ended in a result that was not authentic to the truth and therefor not downright acceptable. And so I  never came to a real conclusion. I will try to think about it now, because I don't feel too depressed, so it should be fine, right? Right?

So first of all, going to university was mistake to begin with. It could have worked out, but the circumstances at that time were not optimal. In fact they were terrible. So it was kind of foolish to think I could pull that off, but there was also nobody who convinced me I couldn't.

A huge factor that made it hard for me to survive university was that every semester I felt some kind of anxiety because I didn’t know what was going to happen. Grades, classes, other students and just choosing things was very overwhelming. Very, very overwhelming. On some days I was just crying like the whole day, because I didn’t know what actually happens when I’m done with university. How to move on? I’ve always been a directionless wanderer, who didn’t know what he wanted to do in life. I just started university and it already felt pointless, like it would go nowhere and nevertheless I was moving on. One year passed, two years, three... and nothing changed. I collected a lot of credits (oh well... not enough for my creditors though) and still I couldn't figure out “why am I doing this?”.

My major was area studies and I wasn’t really enjoying it. I just felt lost and once again overwhelmed. This whole course of studies was missing a clear structure. Which was also the point of it: “Just go ahead and choose the things you have the most interest in”, like that kind of decree completely works against my own nature. I desperately need someone to tell me what to do. So helplessly I chose the most nonsense courses I could find. I signed up for Japanese class and it was so hard. The first semester examination I got only a fourteen, oops. I literally struggled so bad and nearly getting nothing accomplished the whole year and that’s why I ended up dropping that course and felt really bad. But I wanted to try it again, so I took the next semester very very light with only two classes, so of course that extended my university existence by some time. So many frustrating things happened during that time and to my minor, which was agricultural sciences. The readings ended up being not what I was looking for and the schedule really worked against my major.

Also some of the professors were really strict and set up their individual rules. For instance the Japanese teacher was incredibly strict. You could not miss her lessons and you could not be late. And at this time I really struggled with depression and I was crying and begging this woman I was like „I love this class, I’m trying so hard, please give me another chance next year“ and she said that it was OK and that I can be part of the class again, but a year later she was like „I changed my mind, get out“ and that was the point, where I started to give up and stopped trying, like, at all. But sometimes I would get a professor that I like and I would only have them for one semester, a lot of times I tried to take multiple classes with that person if the subject fulfilled credits for the same requirement, even though the class would not help to get a clear structure in my major. Like I took a lot of Mongolian classes. How would that help me with my Japanese Major? I don't know.

In addition I didn’t have an easy time making friends there. That’s another thing that can kinda be frustrating about university life to me. You see a lot of people who take one or two classes that you take as well and you kinda never see the same people. You develop relationships with people that are in the same class but after the semester; they’re gone. That was a big hurdle for me to jump through. I did not get used to it and I didn’t kinda like how everything felt so temporary.

None of the people I had contact with in my Japanese course did graduate by the way. All of them are still stuck somewhere. Some of them still have to pass Japanese class I (out of IV) and it has been four years since we signed up for it. Ideally you should be done with the whole thing in three years. So probably even if I managed to finish all of my major and minor courses, I would not be done with Japanese class yet, cause it's so damn hard and my creditor would get mad at me and I had cancel university either way.

So I was clueless and not doing very well and the worst part was probably that there is a lot of pressure in society (and creditors, student loan companies etc.) where they tell you „Okay you have to graduate from university in three years. Do it right. Know exactly what you want!“ and for a lot of people, including myself, this is not a realistic goal. It’s just not easy. I think it’s realistic if you fail something. I think perfection and expectation of perfection in society is really bizarre. The other thing I realized during this time was, unlike you’re going to be a doctor or a lawyer or in that sort of profession, you get a university degree and that’s awesome but how much practically do you use that degree? I wish I would have chosen something like business studies, because I think … just having more of an understanding of topics like that, would have been helpful throughout my life, especially more than the area studies.

So these are some aspects that turned university into my personal nightmare, but the truth or a big part of it is, that university just felt inconvenient. I'm a lazy piece of shit; I never felt the need to study for any exam, but spoiler: in university you won't survive without it. You need to know how to study. Studying is actually a skill, I didn't know that, now I learned the hard way.

So all I have for now is my shattered university past, a scary student loan debt mountain haunting me every night and also no job. Unemployed for over a year now. I don't know if this will ever change. The worst part of it is I feel like I'm not doing enough to get out of this misery. In fact I do nothing. I want to change but like 90% of my time I have no faith and feel hopeless and that nothing will ever work out for me.

I need to get a whole load of things off my chest first in order to move one. Also I need to find the English setting for my good friend OpenOffice because right now everything is red underlined and it's low key driving me crazy. (…) All right, I found it. Also I'm not gonna grammar correct or spellcheck anything. It's just lines I write down to remind myself of a few things and I have to get this all out before I forget it. So screw editing it!

The last few days I started to do shit I usually hate doing. It's not like I'm a messy person, but cleaning my room felt suddenly more important than ever before. I also stitched up my curtains, even though I was okay with them being way too long for years. And I built two shelves, because we had a few old planks in our yard and my walls were so empty, they felt like prison cell walls to me, so I thought “yes of course SHELVES”. They look fantastic and I'm proud of myself because I made something useful, but they remind my that I spend my time not the way I'm supposed to. They make me feel bad every time I look at them and I look at them a lot, cause they're hanging on my wall.

Yesterday I set up autumn decorations even though it is kinda too early. I also already did some of the Halloween decorations. I always get into a spooky mood, as soon as the weather gets colder, because it feels like authentically fall. I have to wear sweaters or long sleeves because I'm so cold all the time.

Also I found a keyboard in the room of the guy that lived with us, but who is dead now and I remembered how I have always wanted to learn to play piano. But I don't know if I would be very good at it. I feel like the older I get the less focus I have with things. And I also feel just like I don't ever really sit down and like do anything.

Anyway, the dead guy's name was Lutz and he died in April because of cancer. He and my mom shared the rent for the house we live in, so fifty percent of the rent fee is missing since he died. Our landlord is really mad, because he wants the money from us now and we do not have it and Lutz's family doesn't want to pay off his debts either. It's a pretty dire situation and my mom's lawyer sucks and gradually makes our dilemma worse and worse and she doesn't realize it. I don't know what comes next, my mom never talks about these things and a part of me also doesn't want to know. I'm dealing with a lot of things myself and I wish I could close my eyes and vanish from the surface of this planet forever. Just like the Avatar did. The cool one, not that James Cameron Pocahontas plagiarism. But I'm afraid this is not how it works. Suicide would be an option. But I'm just too much of a coward.

To give up or to not give up on life. Fighting the desire to just lie down and die gets harder each day. It already has been hard for a long time now. I know people get homeless. Maybe I am in that exact position right now. I never thought about it. But maybe there is a high chance that it'll happen to me next, unless I do something, even if it already might be too late. I know I can't change the mind of my mom, she will stay here, in this building, until she gets thrown out under legal authority. And I knew about this since a long time and I definitely already could have done something about it as well, like trying harder to find a new place and job, but … depression … and I chose not to. That's just the reality situation.

But I really need to get on with looking for a job now (the hardest thing though is to overcome my “little” procrastination thing whenever I'm about to do it). Two years of therapy gave me enough time to reflect and figure out what I possibly could do and maybe I really can do two or three things, besides lying in bed all day. The biggest issue right now is my low self-esteem. If you never had a real job in your whole life, you will obviously have a hard time to believe in your own abilities. This is what I got criticized for when I worked as Concierge last summer “Sorry, you're too insecure about your actions” and at job interviews I get told “You don't really convince me that you want this job”. And yeah how can I convince anyone I'm able to do something I never did before without straight up lying to their face? I guess if I want to apply for job, I need to put on a mask made of confidence and lies.

My psychiatrist once told me, that my only chance to get a job is social connections (his social connections). I already talked about how I became “friends” with my therapist some time ago. His intentions didn't feel honest to me and everyone else saw this, like, big red flag and yelled at me, to give up on this attachment, but I am weak and I don't have anyone else I can talk to. I gave him another chance and he invited me and said that we should travel to Thailand together. And I was against it, honestly, like from the beginning. But you know, he is a manipulative piece of shit and I really wanted to see Thailand, because I probably wouldn't get another chance like this, in my whole life. So I thought: how horrible can it be to fly to Thailand for two weeks, with your psychiatrist? Turns out it can be pretty horrible. He was watching me all the time, he was watching what I was eating, when I was messaging on Whatsapp. I never had two minutes for myself, he even came into the bathroom while I was changing, he was telling me what to do, when to cross the street, he dictated absolutely everything. So on day three I called him out and he said “Okay then let's fly back home” and of course I know he wanted me to beg him to stay here and that I would do better and follow his orders, cause he pays for everything. But I said “Fine, let's fly back home” and we walked to the travel agency in Thailand and the lady at the counter said a ticket back home today would be around 8,000$ each. He told the lady that we need to talk and would come back in an hour, if we still consider to book the tickets, but I didn't want to take anymore of his crap. So he had to book the tickets and I didn't talk to him the whole 24 hours we needed to get back to Germany, he tried to discuss this situation the whole time, even tried to convince me to travel with him again; this time to the Netherlands for the weekend because “It'll work out better than Thailand”. There is so much more stuff that happened, but I'm not going to elaborate more, at this point I'm so tired of all of this. I'm just glad I finally wrote it down and decided that this friendship was not good for me. Better late than never.

Oh and the worst part is, I also feel like I didn't make any progress in this two years of therapy. I didn't achieve anything, I just wasted time. I'm so annoyed and mad at myself.

All that stress I had the last few months or maybe years and the frustration and the anger I feel every day, caused my autoimmune disease to flare up again.

Short backstory: I noticed a bald patch in my beard area in 2015 and one year later it spread on my head and it was just awful. I had the worst time back then, my dog died, my relationship went to shit, I lost my job as Concierge, I felt like university was going nowhere and my hair started to fall out and it was not a cute look. I had a plum sized spot on the left side, the right side and on top of my head and two spots that molted into one big spot at the back. I went to a dermatologist, he said it's called Alopecia Areata and he told me to put some ointment on it and I did. But nothing changed. I was really desperate, I had a mental break down, including ugly crying in the shower, shaving my head, mental hospital, the whole program. I had a hard time to accept the “bald truth”.

On Youtube I found a channel, run by a girl named Stella, who made several videos about her struggle with Alopecia Areata (she wasn't the only one btw, but she was the first one who seemed genuine and did not try to sell some fake products. There are so many people on the internet, who use other people’s desperation to make themselves richer, it's crazy). In one of her videos she described how she overcame this disease with the help of the AIP diet and I was so amazed. She had all of her hair back and the solution is a diet? I was crying my eyes out for month and it's that simple? Sign me up I thought as I looked a few things up on the internet and basically AIP diet means just allowed to eat warm water. Doesn't actually matter if it's warm or not. No, but seriously almost every food is forbidden on AIP. No bread, rice, potatoes, eggs, diary, sugar, tomatoes, nuts, alcohol, fruits, nothing. All you can eat is meat and green stuff. I started in November and it was exhausting from the beginning. I felt hungry all the time and was craving for something sweet. It's funny how I can go without sugar right now for days, but when you're not allowed to have it, it's all you want. But I was missing coffee the most.

Anyway, after one month of AIP I recognized some white hair on my left patch, and a week later a few pigmented hairs. On Christmas all of my patches had small pigmented hairs growing in (except my beard, which is only thin white hairs until today) and I'm having the worst grammar right now. It's 1 a.m. Anyway during that time I felt amazing, the bald patches were still recognizable, but I felt relieved that my hair came back and I wouldn't go bald.

By march I had all my hair back and I gave a lot of credit to the diet, but also stopped the diet the same month, because although I got all my hair back, I realized that I could not live with all these restrictions forever. The AIP diet was not designed for people with AA. It was made to figure out what kind of food causes your inflammatory, but it's impossible to tell when you have AA. You can't take a bite of a tomato and be like “Oh yeah I feel it, this makes my hair fall out”. Even though a lot people in these self help groups write things like “Oh. My. Gosh. I was just drinking a cup of milk and suddenly my whole scalp was itchy”. Yeah girl, because you wanted it to be itchy. You are desperate and want to find the cause and you want it to stop. And all of this happens, even if your are not aware of it. And blaming certain kinds of food is easy, but dumb. It worked for me, but just because I thought it does. For 4 months I ate vegetables and meat on max, because Stella said it helped, she had proof and I saw it, so I thought it would help me too.

April was again a really hard time for me. My therapist was playing games, my family stressed me out, Lutz died, still no job, my personal financial crisis. And then one day I felt a smooth spot behind my right ear as I was sitting in a train and I was like “Oh god, please no, god no no no no no...”. . I recognized a tiny spot at the back of my head before, but I was hoping it was nothing, I didn't want it to be true, now with a second patch I realized Alopecia is back to haunt me.But this time I wanted it to be different. I would not let it take control of my actions again. So I made an appointment at a hairdresser and I was surprised he never heard of AA before as I told him what was going on on my head. As he was shaving the back of my head he pointed out that there actually a few more spots than expected. I accepted it. There's nothing I can do about anyway.

I revisited Stella's Youtube channel and she posted a video update. Her Alopecia came back as well, even though she was still following the AIP diet. So there was no doubt left, that the diet had little to do with the regrowth of my hair. Stella's video and her blog was again so inspirational.

The cure for Alopecia is: there is no cure. It's your emotions. It's sadness, it's anger and stress. This is easy and hard to accept at the same time. I'm still not a hundred percent sure if I can accept this as the one truth. At the moment all of the spots are on the backside of my head, which is good. I mean they are there; but at least I can't see them. The one behind my right ear is as big as my ear right now. And it worries me tbh. Last year I documented the progress of the spots and took pictures every week. Because I was so excited to see my hair grow and I wanted to see the proof that it really happens. I don't know if I should do this again. Stella said the best way to deal with this situation is simply “to not give a shit”.

And that might be true. But I know, currently it is impossible for me to reach this peace of mind. Everything's a mess right now and I feel like I can't do life and no matter how less I care about my hair, bald spots will spread nevertheless. I have to change my environment first, before I can move on mentally. And this will be frustrating. Searching for a job, having job interviews with bald spots all over my head, probably getting rejected because of it, getting more bald spots, it will be hell but I guess... it is what it is.

It's hard when you’re in a dark place and when your family sucks, and you're like in that mind set where everything is awful. Just taking that one little step up uphill is the hardest part. Maybe writing all of this down finally is a sign that I wildly succeeded and that I can keep going. Or maybe it was just another reason for me to procrastinate again. Who knows?

Well I wish I could end this post on a high note. It's 3am right now and  there was an episode of “Married... with children” on TV and it was about Kelly being the first female Bundy with a job and she worked at a diner. They made it look like being a waitress is the easiest thing in the world, but Kelly was totally overwhelmed by everything and it was just too real. Too relatable. On her first day as a waitress “Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves” was playing in the background and I will remember this on my first day of work and it'll empower me to try my best, like Kelly Bundy did. You know, be the best Kelly Bundy you can be.

[the-rxven-king]

its like super late so im gonna post this cause i KNOW all my irl friends are good beans and not on here rn unlike myself but like

slknfkjfsng i mentioned to one of my friends today that i was getting back into working on campaign stuff (its been a while since we kinda put them down during the summer since none of us really truly had the time to meet up like we usually did when schedules were more set in stone) and they were like

“dude weve been playing your campaign for almost a year now and that just seems like too long for d&d we need to speed this up a bit yknow”

and i just kinda stopped for a second like oh my god what cause even if its been almost a year im like you gotta account for like... the fact that we didnt have a session every weekend and we had like only one in the summer time??? like it hasnt actually technically been that long. plus were at like... the halfway point for what my original idea was. and i was trying to shorten things up a bit anyway in regards to how long they stay in one place doing one thing, but i guess that wasnt enough

plus i have... plot stuff that still needs to be covered i cant rush anything if i want it to be good or else its going to be shit. so now im walking next to them like a fuckin idiot with this smile that probably hopefully read “yea i agree with you” and just nodding cause what the fuck do i say to that??? i mean i know i said something but i barely remember what happened after they said that before i like... idk i completely left my body for the rest of that period and the next

and its been killing me all day because like. idk if anyone else who follows me is a dm whos writing/written their own campaign but like i think theyd kinda get it but. its my heart and soul. never have i ever worked on a project so fully and intently and completely as my d&d campaign. its so important to me. i have worked so hard on it and im continuing to work hard on it so that its fun, interesting, engaging, and an overall good time. i work hard to make it flexible so my players can do what they want, and challenging so they dont forget that even tho its fun to be able to do whatever you want, you could quite possibly die if you do that yknow. 

so its left me kinda feeling like... confused and hurt and empty??? like i dont know what they meant by that. like were they just being like wow its been a while dude!!! or were they trying to very subtly tell me theyre tied of my campaign and just want it over with??? or were they just trying to tell me that doing something different might be nice even if they like my campaign and think its good and would like it to continue????

i dont know how to feel about it, and i feel like im over reacting which is stupid of me to do but im stupid and useless and boring so its not like thats unexpected of me, but i made... cuts to my campaign. there were things i wanted to do and things i wanted to get through, but no. i cut them out. i guess i never really needed them anyway, like i never needed most of the fuckin garbage shit ive been putting out there apparently, and ill have to make due.

im just... really disheartened now. i remember the pg group expressing how wed all miss doing d&d together once pg was over and i was 1000% gonna offer to do my campaign with them so we could keep playing together, but now i think i wont. its too long. they probably wont like it.

im probably just gonna write what i can and figure out the rest as we go, because apparently i need to keep things short and sweet now. im gonna try not to be a disappointment in the process, although i already feel like one to myself and i havent even tried to write anything based on the changes ive made.

maybe im not as great at this as i thought. fuck.

[theoneicelady]

This is some weird ass reflection I made about an oc

Id recommend you dont read it

Im just posting It cause Tumblr seems great for keeping stuff when my phone is ass

[21/7 12:27] : You know, its quite interesting

Its not the first time Im in a position like this

The first time, he wanted me to die, just because I was there.

The second time, he wanted to never let me go. And I stayed, and it was worse for everyone. It wasnt love, It was just.. guilt. And manipulation.

This time, well this time I really did die for him. There was guilt, theres manipulation..

And I think Im gonna stay, too. I guess some things never change. I guess some people never learn.

Except this time, I think it must be love

[21/7 12:36] : Thats how it works isnt it?

I cant really explain

And if so, love for what?

For humanity? A humanity thats already condemned.

For the ~friends aka the group of cheaters and liars that couldnt stop trying to fuck eachothers lives up for a second?

For..for him? The guy that couldnt stand seeing me prosper for once even if It was as a TRIBUTE TO HIM. That gathered everything bad in his life and took it out on me, who he was suposed to ~love,

[21/7 12:36] : He who took my fucking life

[21/7 12:38] : He who I still try to see sometimes

[21/7 12:38] : Why do I even do that

[21/7 12:38] : Why do I even do any of this?

[21/7 12:43] : Guardian angel? Fuck off is that what the destiny forces me to do? Didnt work too well for any of us did it

Im not a kind floating entity that can do no wrong and suffers for humanity and the mistakes of others Im not an angel I dont know what the fuck I am

Im just a generic-as-can-get girl who had the misfortune to

[21/7 12:43] : .

.

.

.

[21/7 12:43] : Im tired

[21/7 12:44] : And yet I have more energy than Ive had in years

[21/7 12:44] : Heh

[21/7 12:44] : Love they say

[21/7 12:45] : Those voices in my head

[21/7 12:45] : I guess I really cant change

[21/7 12:45] : Even if I dont know if this is who I am

[21/7 12:57] : Now this just for the record since I am writting down my thoughts

"I think,, one thousand of me is hoping that he can change

At least his mind, you know?

He seems lonely and always bored and

I wonder who I am to him. Not generally but, on the times we hang out for hours

I- that- .. Ill never tell him but I really want to believe thats not just to add to my paranoia. That would suck.

I was gonna say maybe its more than 1/1000 but no. I know. It really is just that much that has hope.

Why do I do it then

Well I think the sad truth is that deep down some of that desolate, tired part of me just..wants to be with him. And pretend nothing happened or that it wasnt a big deal.

I could say its so that wherever he is if It can reach him he can have peace of mind

But no... I think Im doing this for me. Just like how funerals are for the alive, you know?

Its as close as Ill get to being with him again. Even if its just his body. Even if its all just pretending.

[21/7 12:59] : I m not even sure if I can feel anymore

So what would it matter if all the feelings were fake?

[21/7 13:00] : Who would be there to notice

If I am not

[21/7 13:01] : . .

.

[21/7 13:05] : And then, It comes

I am suposed to keep fighting and kinda triumphantly win at the end

But that wont bring any peace to him and, I can bring mine at any moment

Would I be calm? No

But, what is peace of mind when ones dead

Just some more despair to transcend my corpse and be thrown into the void

With my luck it would reach him but well what else could I do

[21/7 13:05] : ..than bring peace to at least one of us

[21/7 13:05] : Its not like everyone else has too long left anyway

[21/7 13:07] : Maybe I should try to rest while its lonely; lest I be dragged into another eternal curse once everyone else falls

[21/7 13:09] : Then, finally, we cant ignore the rest, biggest part of the motive which is, I would guess, the burning fury against all thats happened

[21/7 13:10] : That for once, and unlike in real life, It has one and only one culprit, Who caused everything and onto whom to discharge the anger

[21/7 13:12] : Of course this is also an illusion for in that anger I try to hide the pain of who it was that caused him and what I did to elicit it

[21/7 13:15] : Which makes everything even more tragic cause as everyone would agree both that and her were not deserving of what came

Then theres also the other girl who while being an awful human being could not possibly imagine what her actions would result in for us and possibly the world

Obviously she is not at fault for all of this even if she was to blame for starting this awful spiral of pain

[21/7 13:22] : But, back on track, theres so much anguish burning inside that trying to take it out on someone that can not be hurt and looks like the lost lover is just asking for things to go wrong

Since he can not feel could it be that I am harboring the storm that is the feelings of b/o/th souls?

Cause that would be fucked up as fuck and I cant take all this torment for something that is, in all levels of reality, false

[21/7 13:27] : I am too calm at the moment to bring out the real rage iside

And since its the most usual and easy to replicate emotion I think its easy to conceive and will be leaving this here for today, hopefully not forever.

Unless a wet-with-tears rant of rage comes that needs to vent I probably wont get back to it.

I am waiting for it I just really dont want it to visit.

[21/7 13:27] : Goodbye~*

[21/7 13:29] : https://youtu.be/hRBOnA0ak4w

[21/7 13:31] : Then again maybe we're all actors in the roles we have to play and until those days come we're all just lonely and trying to live the weird ass alternative version of Life we're cursed with

[21/7 13:33]: I wont try to make Fear misunderstood and a product of his upbringing uwu for a second but his existence IS different and I see how that could cause things

[21/7 13:42] : God this is such a bizarre experience this is horrible

Like yeah Im here simpathising with my (& my bedt friends) murderer hanging out and carrying a encarnations of Life/death type relationship while I also have to fight and like trick him into dying in the distant future OH and he also likes to psychologically torture me and my friend and we're suposed to have this friendly at odds, lanzando pullitas kind of thing but god dang it this is too much holy god the only way to not go mad is not caring

AND I KNOW HIS OBJECTIVE IS TO DRIVE ME MAD OR MAKE ME QUIT

AND I KNOW in his description by the author a whole part WAS literally "hes the result of being raised without love" BUT HOLY FUCKING FUCK SHIT man WHAT THE HELL

This is worse than stockholms syndrome cause its all from hIS body and I dont fucking

Like

I just

This would never in a millions years work like this if it wasnt HIM and ME and THEM and GOD DAMN this is a weird fucking thing to attach my existence to FUCKING GOD

-

Its nice to have an hyperfixation again and It being so unique? Omg. I probably wouldnt be able to be without it (one) no its not worrying its just nice -

Justo después fue la warner

And now, like a week after this

I just saved his fucking life

Sympathise? Lmao

Of course he lied about what I was doing but, I KNEW It wouldnt be good

Did I just make him inmortal. I fucking think maybe.

But he said he needed my help ah

Also when I freak at how cute he is he goes torture my so like a child le somethin

Ay lmao what the hell

[satellights]

Obligatory “I just had top surgery!” post/on having top surgery after having already had a reduction/on being trans and having to deal with medical professionals and such

PS: This is copied word for word from my reddit post, so apologies that it is not tailored to tumblr...I just can’t be bothered lol.

So just had top surgery! Thought I would write about my experience. I've seen at least one person on here who said they were looking into the surgeon I went to (Dr. Melvin Maclin in St. Louis, MO), as well as people who have been interested in getting a reduction, but worried it would make it impossible for them to have top surgery...I just had top surgery after having had a reduction two years ago.

I had top surgery with the same surgeon, and at the same surgery center I that I went to for reduction surgery. There were a few little things that have been different in comparison to the reduction surgery though, that I will talk about. Also, while no one was rude, inappropriate, or transphobic, there were two nurses who asked things relating to me being trans, one for an actual medical reason, and one just out of curiosity/to make conversation. I also have no idea who of the other people involved in my surgery actually knew I was trans (like the anesthesia team, etc). My surgery was written up on the papers as surgery for gynecomastia, so unsure who all knew it was actually top surgery lol.

An unrelated to surgery note: Dr. Maclin is the coolest dude. We have basically the same tastes in movies and pop culture. After my reduction surgery I gave him a figure of a Toho monster, as well as a dvd of this silly Japanese movie that involves like a robot, aliens, and just loads of wtf-ness that I knew he'd enjoy. Today he gave me a dvd of two Godzilla movies, and a Studio Ghibli film (surprisingly one that I had not ever seen...I thought I had seen them all lol). I have the first book of a Doctor Strange anthology that I finished recently, and plan to give him at my post op appointment.

**top surgery compared to reduction surgery on day of surgery**

With reduction surgery my parents came in with me from the start. With this surgery a nurse took me back to get me prepped, and then went out to bring my dad in to me. During prep for reduction, Dr. Maclin came in and drew his lines on my chest before the nurse did any other prep. However, today with top surgery prep, the nurse did all her prep like putting IV in and the things on my legs and such *and then* Dr. Maclin came in to draw his lines. It seemed like kind of a weird order to me, but whatever lol. With reduction surgery I had the IV in my left hand, but today I had it in my right. Because I had the IV put in before he drew the lines, when he needed me to do things like push my hands together to help show him where my chest muscles were I couldn't really do that with the IV in, but we figured it out and I was able to kinda flex my arms in the right way. The rest of prep was basically the same as before. Last time I just talked very briefly with one anesthesiologist, she asked the usual questions. However this time, it was like the whole anesthesiology team lol. I talked to the main anesthesiologist first, he asked his questions, explained in detail step by step what was going to happen with that (like we wheel you to the OR, put a mask on, put the stuff in your IV, once your out we put the tube in, then this is what happens while you're waking up, etc), which was really nice. I don't think they explained it all like that to me last time. Later during prep, two anesthesia nurses came in to ask the same questions, and ask if I had any questions. I got an antinausea pill just like I did last time. However, with the reduction surgery I think I had a lot of drugs put in my IV before ever leaving the prep room, and really don't even remember being wheeled out of it, and don't remember anything in the OR. This time I was like totally with it and awake while being wheeled to the OR, while scooting to the table, met another nurse there, and only very very vaguely remember the mask being put on me. Unlike last time, I woke up while still in the OR, but after all of surgery was over (so not like I woke up by accident lol, the anesthesia team intended for me to be on my way to waking up by that point). I woke up as they were just about to zip up the post op binder vest on me. One of the anesthesia nurses said they were going to put me back to the wheely bed, and not to help them (they didn't want me to move myself). When I got back to the recovery room, I was like wide awake, and I had to pee SO BAD. Like I don't know how tehfuk I was able to hold it while I was under, but I guess somehow I did. But I had to wait a little while (like about an hour), while my need to pee continued to increase, until I was finally able to go to the bathroom lol. With the reduction I stayed at the surgery center overnight, but with this surgery I was able to go home after having been awake for 1-2 hours. With reduction I had just drains, and they got taken out the next morning. With top surgery they stay in a week, and I also have a wound vac for that week as well. I don't think I really got any meds in my IV aside from anesthesia stuff, whereas with the reduction I had pain meds and valium in my IV before and after surgery. Immediately post op with the reduction, my arm mobility was really bad, and the pain was bad enough to need the prescribed pain meds. Today immediately post op I actually have a ton more arm mobility than I thought I'd have, and the pain is there of course, but it's mostly bearable, and pretty much up until right around now it felt like just muscle pain. It's only just now that I'm starting to feel some pain from pressure on the incision areas.

**on being trans and having to deal with medical professionals and such**

So it wasn't until I was all prepped for surgery, but before Dr. Maclin had come to draw his lines, that the nurse was basically like "oh wait...I need to get a urine sample" so we had to go over to the bathroom. We went in and closed the door, and it was once we were there alone that she asked me "you still have a uterus right?" and apologized and explained that it meant they'd still have to do a pregnancy test. Personally I just found it kind of amusing, but it also made me really curious who of the personnel there knew I was trans. Every person of the anesthesia team asked what name to call me. I don't think this had to do with me being trans at all, and just that the name I registered with the surgery center was actually a nickname of my legal name lol (my legal name is my new changed name, so didn't have to have my birth name on anything during any of this). They explained they ask that of everyone in case they need you to respond while you're still mostly under/half asleep, and they want to address you by a name you will be the most likely to respond to immediately lol. But for some reason them asking me this still felt a little like *"because you used to respond to a totally different name because you changed it because you're trans"*, but it still didn't really feel hurtful or anything. Then later in recovery when the nurse was taking my IV out, like she did when she was putting it in before she tried to make small talk to distract me. This time however, she started asking about me being trans. While I had no real problem with it, or with talking to her about it, it still felt weird because it came out of nowhere. She asked how long I had been transitioning. I told her how long I'd been on T, and how long I'd been out before then, but told her I couldn't actually remember whether it was two years or three years ago that I came out to my parents lol. She asked if they were supportive, so I talked about that a little, and explained while they weren't unsupportive at all that this has all still just been one big learning experience for them it seemed. She went on to say something like "yea, some parents wonder what they did wrong, and it's like 'you didn't do anything wrong'!" which made me smile, and made me feel good to know that her saying that meant she was most likely pretty supportive of trans people in general. After I talked about how long I've been out she asked me like "yea, but how long have you *known*?" which personally I found kind of rude of her to ask cos like that's kind of a *too* personal question sometimes. But still I didn't really have any problems with talking to her about it. She asked if I knew as a kid, and I explained I'd known ever since I learned about what being trans was and how I related to it 100% right in that moment that I was reading about what it was, but that when I look back there are definite signs in my childhood of me being trans, and had I known it was a thing back then I would have fit the trans as a child narrative.

Everyone gendered me correctly the whole time I was there. Even my dad which I was surprised about. He almost said she once, but switched to he after like 0.2 seconds of the "sh" sound coming out lol. My dad tends to just take ques from others around us if we're together. If the other people are calling me he, then my dad will do. But of course this sucks, when we're around people who have a hard time with pronouns and still automatically use she (like my dad's best friend does, and like my mom does).

Anyway, if anyone has any questions about any of this stuff, feel free to ask. I'll try my best to answer. Unlike with the reduction surgery, I for some reason don't feel like total crapola this time around. Last time I felt like the anesthesia did a real major number on my brain and I became a total dud, but today I'm feeling like I can actually concentrate on things like reading and writing and I think that's just totally wild lol, so I think I should be capable of answering any questions and such.

To those of you who are interested in hearing about having top surgery after having already had a reduction, at what points post op top surgery would you like updates on the differences in the healing/recovery process? Maybe every week? I will try and keep notes so I can share them with you all periodically through the next year, because I know there have been a lot of people around here who have been really interested in getting a reduction before top surgery, but are worried or don't know what to expect.