#so dumb shit keeps keeping them apart when all it rly seems is he just wants to hang out with her

[gwoongi]

wordless pt.2

jeon jeongguk / reader genre: hitman (john wick au), sugar daddy au, angst rating: mature words: 4.4k warnings: violence mention, toxic relationships, mentioned deaths a/n: oh fyi jeongguk isnt part of the mafias included in these drabbles, he’s a solo hitman who works closely with taehyung nd other mentioned men. he has his own little business/group of hitmen (like the continental kinda style thing) where he’s sort of the big man who people look up to, but he’s not rly mafia :) hope that helps explain stuff hehehe. Also this one is sad heheheh x2

Sometimes, saying “I love you” is inappropriate, and given your circumstances, you think it might send Jeongguk over the edge if he hears them again.

Parts: One, Two, Three, Four, Five

(11) Telling them a dumb joke just to see them smile.

“I’m really sorry, baby. I really am.”

Next to you on the couch, Jeongguk reaches for your hands that are clamped in your lap. The clock ticks hauntingly slowly, and everything feels dark, and cold, and empty. The front room that is usually vibrant with life and energy is now devoid of emotion, besides the sniffles on the couch that are hidden in shadows.

“It’s okay,” you reply quietly, sniffing once again. “Not your fault.”

“I know,” Jeongguk says, “but I’m still sorry.”

There was nothing that could have been done. Not really, even though Jeongguk repents at the thought that he could have done something. It was an accident, a car that pushed into another one and sent your parents off the bridge and into the Han River. It seemed impossible, but as of late, the impossible became possible. Jeongguk had heard the news several hours after you, contemplating in the silence of your responses over the phone. Eventually, he asked Taehyung and got more than what he bargained for.

“Is there anybody left?” he asks.

“Like my family?”

“Yeah,” he softly answers.

You sniff once more, wiping at your eyes with your sleeve. “My aunt, she, uh, she lives in Finland, I think. I don’t know, everybody cut ties after you. Well. After, you know.”

Jeongguk gulps sourly, “yeah. After your brother.”

Somewhere in the city, police sirens blare. From in the kitchen, the small radio still reads out a report of the accident, and if Jeongguk were to rise and look out of the window, he might see the flashing lights from the bridge. When the room goes silent, Jeongguk’s just afraid you’ll hear the report and start crying again.

“Can you, um,” you start, swallowing the lump in your throat, “I don’t know, tell me about your day or something.”

“Yeah, sure,” Jeongguk mutters, rubbing his thumb across your hand. “Wore that badge to work today. You know the Dad one?” You nod and he continues, “Got a stir out of my guys. You were right, Taehyung got salty about it.”

You manage a laugh, little puffs of air from your nose. “I should have got him one. Maybe a brother one, I didn’t see uncles.”

“Fuck him,” Jeongguk says, “My gift, my badge.”

“Don’t wanna upset him,” you shrug pathetically, along with a tight sniff that burns your left nostril.

Jeongguk rubs your arm, “He’s not gonna be upset. Seeing you upset makes me upset, though,” he says quietly, and you peer around your hair at him, “what kind of Dad would I be if I let my little girl be upset, hmmm?”

He raises his eyebrows like he’s feigning an innocence and the sight makes you laugh slightly, not enough to distract you but enough to leave Jeongguk satisfied. He smiles and leans over, dropping his head against yours with a little sigh that blows your hair. It wasn’t enough to distract you from the devastation that is losing your family, but if it’s something to make you feel less alone, then he’ll try.

(12) Following their family traditions that they enjoy.

“I can’t imagine your brother doing this,” Jeongguk says, holding a ribbon of tinsel in his hands with an unconvincing stare thrown in your direction. He does this whilst standing near the doorway, just behind your couch, like he’s ready at any moment to leave or come inside.

As he does this, you’re across the living room, waltzing with a tree that stands on an angle, lopsided and skinny and naked with no decorations. The lights sit in a snake-like swirl on the floor, flickering on one setting and in resignation, you sigh loudly and turn to face him.

“Well, the last time he helped me decorate a tree, I was five,” you reason. “It’s been a long time, but my parents always did this with me, and-”

“Yeah, I know,” Jeongguk frowns. Since the bridge, he’s always walked on eggshells around the subject of parents and traditions. Before he knew it, Christmas was two weeks away, and around his tight schedule and endless demand for his presence at work, he figured he had to make up for the lost time by being with you.

Jeongguk never imagined that he’d rely on you to absolve him of his own boredom and self pity, but here he is, on a Wednesday afternoon in your apartment that he unwillingly thinks of as a retreat, a home away from home when things get too claustrophobic back at his own place. Things are messy and complicated and cold there. He likes being here, because of how it feels being here.

But maybe he’s here out of guilt, and you stare at him for a few seconds, recognising this unfamiliar distance in his eyes that screams guilt and discomfort. You don’t want to mention it, scared of what might be underneath the mask he’s wearing tonight.

“If you’re not gonna do anything, can you at least hold the tree so I can put the lights on it?” you ask. “You can just go, if you want.”

“I don’t,” he insists, moving around the couch. “I just. I never did this as a kid.”

“Really?”

“Yeah,” he admits, grabbing the tree as you crouch for the lights, “so this feels a little childish.”

You shrug, “nothing childish about Christmas.”

“Everything about Christmas is childish when you have never really celebrated it,” Jeongguk theorises. Now that he’s holding the tree, it’s a lot easier to decorate.

“We can celebrate it if you’d like,” you suggest. He says nothing, “not like all the gifts and stuff, but just in general.”

Jeongguk smiles to himself and moves so you can weave the lights around the branches. “Alright, sounds like it’ll kill my time this Christmas?”

You scoff, laughing lightly. “Well, isn’t that what I’m here for? To kill your time?”

Jeongguk takes a step back once the lights are wrapped around, and throws an arm over your shoulder, bringing you closer to his body. “Something like that.”

(13) Playing your fingers through their hair while sitting next to them on the couch.

Jeongguk had asked you to meet him at his place when he got off from work, and thankfully the guard on the gate had let you up early with the promise of cookies the next time you came to visit. You let yourself up to his suite and waited on the couch, a cup of tea steaming on the coffee table and nothing to do but stare at the ceiling, lit up blue with the city outside.

About half an hour later, Jeongguk comes through the front door and drops his shit by the shoe rack. His keys rattle and drop on the counter and a few moments later, he’s moving across the room to the couch where he drops, knees first, setting his head in your lap as he falls.

“Hey,” you say unenthusiastically, stifling a yawn as he groans and stuffs his face closer into your body. He doesn’t say anything, just lies there, and you gently lock your fingers into his hair that seems messy and almost curly and begin to play.

“Tired?” you ask, and this time he moans in reply, a yes, and nothing else is said.

(14) Singing and dancing to their favourite song.

“Remind me again- it’s definitely okay that I’m here as your guest?”

Jeongguk’s hand on your lower back never disappears as he tours you around the room, gently smiling at people around him with a slender glass of wine in the other free hand. It is on this Saturday evening that Jeongguk finds himself in attendance of the Somber-Rain Ball. Unlike any other time where Jeongguk came solo, or with his colleagues from work, tonight he is joined by you, tailored in a beautiful black dress that sweeps the floor behind you, still somehow modest enough to keep you out of the glazed eyes of the other attendees.

“Yes, it is absolutely fine,” he sighs, steering you out of the self-collected gallery that surely belongs in this large and maze-like mansion. “I wouldn’t have brought you with me if it wasn’t allowed, Y/N.”

“I know, but lately you’ve been doing all sorts of things that you probably shouldn’t,” you remind him, curling into his armpit as you cross the dancefloor towards the bar, that slopes to a side and is scarcely populated. A man who stands there bows his head to Jeongguk but ignores him straight afterwards.

Jeongguk laughs, “Isn’t that my thing?”

“I don’t want to get myself into trouble,” you shrug. Jeongguk smiles and kisses the crown of your head.

“Getting into trouble is my job, dear, not yours.” He faces the bartender and slides the drink, “A round of bourbon after the dance, please.”

“What kind, sir?”

Jeongguk hums, then clicks his tongue, “Try the Brothers’ Bond, I heard you just had it imported.”

The bartender nods, “Certainly, sir.”

Jeongguk nods and turns his attention back towards you, right as the young bartender hurries to find clean glasses for the happy couple. Jeongguk turns to your eyes and smiles at the raised eyebrows he sees, and pulls you further towards him as the orchestra finishes their latest piece.

“Isn’t that the bourbon that the Salvatore brothers made?” Jeongguk asks, feigning an innocence and a forgetfulness for the time you brought it up to his face a few weeks ago. You say nothing besides shaking your head, turning towards the crowd as it slightly thins, just as the orchestra calls it for a few seconds, and a song on the speakers takes its place.

It’s just the first few opening chords but Jeongguk clearly is familiar. He sighs loudly, audibly with an “ah” and then tucks himself closer to you.

“Love this song,” he states. “Miss L/N, care to dance with me?”

You look towards the floor, and then back at him: “Yeah, sure. Is this Doris Day?”

Jeongguk seems pleased as he leads you. He takes a center position, caring little about the potential attention he may attract by taking your waist. It doesn’t stop him from doing so, a smile in your hair as he begins the dance.

“Glad you know it,” Jeongguk replies. “I spent a lot of time with my Aunt when I was younger. She loved this song.”

You hum quietly, “She has good taste. I think this song is in that one Tonya Harding movie.”

“Probably,” he scoffs, kissing your hair again and curling an arm tighter around your middle. He is certainly attracting unwanted eyes. In a metaphorical perspective, this is your first dance. Might be your only dance, but Jeongguk’s not trying to wish away the moment, not just yet.

(15) Calming them down when they have a bad dream.

Bad dream. Not you. Tonight, Jeongguk is a victim. 

He shoots himself awake before you have a time to sit up on your elbows, and he pants loudly, searching around the mattress for a weapon but instead, he finds your hands. Jeongguk jumps.

“It’s just me,” you tell him breathlessly, staring at his wide and wild eyes. He gasps, like he forgot you were even there, but calms when he scurries to take your hand in his own.

Jeongguk hates to feel like he needs help, but tonight, he seeks you first. He slides his hands around yours and finds his grip, remembering where and who and presses a kiss to your hand as you lift it to his face.

“Sorry,” he apologises, “bad dream. I’m gonna-”

“It’s okay,” you assure him quietly, now sitting upright. “You never have to say sorry, okay? It’s okay.”

“Mhm,” he agrees half-heartedly. “I’m gonna….get a drink, or something.”

He rises from the bed and quite literally stumbles to the door, coughing the dryness from his throat as he makes his way to the kitchen. From the bed you sit and watch him leave, knowing from routine that when he comes back, he’ll lie awake, stoney, and won’t rest until the morning. He won’t sleep for the remainder of the night, and he’ll sleep in the office.

Jeongguk never talks of his nightmares. He never tells you about the recurring dreams of his past, his past lovers or friends or family. You know that the dreams must be so bad that he pretends to sleep to keep you from worrying. 

He never tells you that he gets them most when you sleep over, because the more aware he is of you beside him, the more he dreams of losing you.

(16) Having a tickle fight until you’re breathless.

There was no contract for your arrangement with Jeongguk. You were part of a very complicated sugar daddy/sugar baby relationship, and there were never really any rules to it. You could fall in love with him all you wanted, but all Jeongguk had made clear from the first date was that he didn’t fall easily, and wasn’t seeing you to fall in love. If you fell for him, he didn’t really care. He’d never fall back. (Right?)

Despite there being no rules, you still always felt like taking photos with Jeongguk often felt like a breach of contract, like breaking the rules. Jeongguk had already shown you off to the world of Mafia and crime at the Somber-Rain Ball, but yet you were afraid to take a photo for your own gallery.

There was one, however, that Jeongguk had taken himself and sent to you when he was on a trip in Athens. It was a slightly dark and blurry photograph, from early when you two had met and Jeongguk felt like he had to get you to stay sometimes by playing the role of a lover. In the photo, his fingers are ghosting at your sides, his face is scrunched and in a smile and you’re rolling around on the covers. It’s a live photo, so it moves for a few seconds.

Jeongguk had made you laugh almost to the point of tears, and you can probably still remember the feeling of knots in your stomach, your voice threatening to pee on his bed if he didn’t pack it in. He stopped, reluctantly. He didn’t want to see you pee. He didn’t want you to cry, either.

Back then, he had been generous to avoid tears. (What changed?)

(17) Folding their clean laundry and putting it away.

It’s been a long day. That was obvious by the way Jeongguk called you at two, and didn’t even want to do anything once you got here. Just got home. Are you free, maybe? Like an idiot, you came.

His place was a sight for sore eyes; by the front door, he hadn’t even taken off his shoes, and a pile of cluster and mess led a trail to his bedroom. You stood awkwardly in the doorway, staring at the way he lay with his face down on the covers, feet hanging off the bed stiffly, the curtains drawn, city blaring, TV on a quite volume relaying the emergency call made to the police this morning about the death of Cho Minsu, one of Seoul’s most controversial politicians.

For a few minutes, you remain in the doorway and he remains unmoved.

“...and, although the call made to the police department this morning was made anonymously, the leader of the police department, Choi Seungkwan, seems to believe that the call was made by at least one of the rumoured underground organisations within this city. Just last week, the Twin Tiger Mafia were making headlines after a fire was caused in the center of Seoul, but there have been no confirmations from the police at this time, nor has a statement been issued by the President. One witness said it was the work of one man, which leads the authorities to believe that this is the involvement of a third party.”

Jeongguk appears glum by the news but doesn’t switch it off. As he wallows in his own self despair, you turn back towards the main section of his home and take in the mess. There’s a smashed frame on the floor, and the kitchen is disgustingly overcrowded with dishes, and ashtrays that are like mountains. The living room is cold and empty and clothes hang over the back of his couch. Here, you find not only his clothes from the night before but also the suit from the ball, as well as underwear you know isn’t yours.

Quietly, and without a fuss, you reach for the unknown underwear and with your hand tucked underneath one of his clothes, you scoop them up and toss them into the washer in the kitchen. The ashtray is cleaned, the dishes are put in the dishwasher, and the curtains are drawn. Jeongguk must be asleep by the time you come into his bedroom, carrying the clothes you folded for him to set away in his cupboards.

This will be the second time you have cried in his bedroom while he was sleeping, and as he sleeps, peaceful and perhaps even remorseful, you return back to the front door and slip into your shoes.

(18) Sharing a soft smile across a crowded room.

You dream of him.

It’s the night of the ball. As you’re in the arms of Taehyung, stuck in a dance that will make you look less like a trophy wife for Jeongguk, the man himself is stuck in a conversation near the bar. Probably halfway through the waltz, you manage to lock his gaze. It’s like a movie, where the characters meet in slow motion, and everything seems to be slower and more passionate. All he does is smile, so gently and softly that it doesn’t even look like him.

It’s gone and he’s back to a straight face in conversation before you know it, but it’s enough for you to dream about it. Maybe this time, you’ll add a little bit to it, and create a new story to replace the original. One where the circumstances might be different, or the song, or the man you’re with.

(19) Bringing them a plate of their favourite sliced fruit.

“...what the fuck is a ‘BARB’, again? Surely not the Barbs, right? Right?”

Slowly but surely, you may be going insane behind this computer screen. You woke up in a cold sweat to the assumption your paper was due today, only by happy surprise to figure out it’s due next week, on a totally different day. It was eight, the sun was shining, and all Jeongguk can hear as he wakes up is keys tapping away relentlessly.

He stretches his arms and moves from the bed, swinging his feet to the floor and as if he owns the place (although if he’s being technical, he does) he heads to the shower and gets himself cleaned for the day he has planned ahead. Jeongguk showers, brushes his teeth and jumps into the clothes he came here in. By the time he’s out, he has time to poke his head into your makeshift study, which used to be a laundry room before the bastard thing broke and you had it moved to the bathroom instead. You’re still working, one leg up folded and a string of swear words leaving your mouth as you stare at the blinking word document.

Jeongguk frowns, nonetheless unsurprised by your antics. Ever since you went back to school, he’s been seeing less of you. Truthfully, it’s fine; Jeongguk is more than used to being alone and he doesn’t like to spend too much time with you. Not because he doesn’t like to, but quite actually for the opposite reason. Jeongguk likes you too much that he’s afraid he’ll give more than he wants to get back. Why fall in love when he can’t afford to?

Jeongguk moves to the kitchen, opening the fridge and getting a bottle of water. Sucking his teeth, he closes the fridge and grabs two apples from the bowl near the kettle. He twists the little device he found from your drawer and removes the stalk for both, cutting shapes out of the fruit into a bowl. He tosses the utensils into the washing up bowl for you to tackle later when you inevitably procrastinate, and before he leaves to go to work, Jeongguk heads back towards where you sit and brings the bowl just in between your hands, in front of the keyboard.

You look up with alarm as he does this, frightened because he came in so silently. He smiles quickly, innocent, and leans forward to kiss you. He tastes like toothpaste.

“Morning, gotta go, though,” he says in a hurry.

Before he moves back, you lean up and steal a second kiss, “so early?”

“Mm, I have to go to work,” Jeongguk replies.

You glance at the fruit. “Did you cut this?”

“Yep. I know it’s so hard to chop fruit, but I did it all by myself,” he jokes. He kisses you a third time, “Really gotta go. Don’t call me ‘til you finish this fucking paper.”

“Like that’s ever gonna happen,” you grumble, turning to the screen with a frown. Jeongguk smiles to himself and ruffles your hair, just before he steps out of the office and leaves you in the silence, collecting his things and leaving before Taehyung threatens to put a bounty on his head for being late to work again.

(20) Washing their back/hair in the shower.

“Fuck, shower sex sucks ass.”

You turn around, almost offended. “What?”

Jeongguk laughs loudly in the comforts of his own bathroom, leaning for a shampoo off the shelf. “I’m not saying you’re bad, I’m just saying it sucks. It’s so...slippery and hard.”

“I thought you liked it,” you reply.

He shrugs.

“Then why the fuck do you insist on it,” you sigh, spinning and leaning for the bottle. He moves it away, “Don’t be stingy.”

“I’m gonna wash your hair for you,” Jeongguk explains, squirting a generous amount into his hands. “Turn back around, love when your ass is against my dick like that.”

You roll your eyes and do as he says. He’s a kidder after he fucks you. Probably a pride thing because he knows he’s done a good job. Jeongguk massages the shampoo into your hair and inhales the scent, because it’s a new seasalt fragrance he saw on Youtube when he was looking at interviews for this one super secret guy he’s after, and apparently Adblock for Safari is shitty and never blocks ads on videos.

“Smells good,” you compliment. “Buy this for your other bitches, or just for me?”

Jeongguk smirks. “Nah, they got the banana one.”

“I thought you hated that fragrance.”

“That’s why they have it and not you,” he says simply. You don’t know whether or not the reply satisfies you. For one, it tells you that you’re his favourite, but it also tells you that he is indeed fucking other girls, which is something you were never totally thrilled to accept or believe. It conflicts you, to the point where you’re silent as he washes your hair.

“What?” Jeongguk asks finally, pulling at your head and half forcing your face to him. “You mad?”

“No,” you reply. “You done with my hair?”

He lets go, “Yeah. Just rinse it out.”

You do that, staring at the little drops of water on the shower door. Jeongguk sighs and switches positions with you, staring at your shoulders as you wash the shampoo out.

“Are you really mad?” he asks.

You sigh, “I’m not mad, Jeongguk.” You peer at him, “promise.”

“Bullshit,” he exclaims, like he’s tired. “I thought you knew I saw other people.”

“I did,” you lie. “It’s fine, really. I’m not, like, judging you for it.”

“Why’s it feel like you kind of are?” Jeongguk asks in response.

You shrug, “You tell me.”

The bathroom’s cold as the shower switches off and Jeongguk leaves first, stepping into the living room with the towel around his waist as you get dressed into a gown in the bathroom.

He looks over his shoulder at you as you exit, turning off the light and looking for your clothes around the room. He tugs, sick and frowning, and so he slowly moves for you across the bedroom. As you’re looking down at your clothes curled up on the chair by his drawers, Jeongguk snakes his arms around your waist from behind and slowly brings you up against him.

You close your eyes, as if to prevent yourself from saying something, and he kisses behind your ear. “I didn’t mean to make you unhappy, baby.”

“You didn’t,” you tell him.

“You know you’re a bad liar,” he mutters. “That’s why you’ll be a good journalist, you’re too good at telling the truth.” You resign, knowing he’s said this speech before. “You can be honest with me.”

You turn in his arms. “Look. I’m not mad. Mad’s not the word. Disappointed, maybe, but life is full of disappointments, you know? I mean. I don’t know...I moved across the city just to live next to you because you asked me to, I thought it could be easier for us to both get what we want out of each other and so it just...kind of sucks that you need other people? It’s like, am I not filling the gaps enough? I thought sugar daddies only had one baby at a time, I thought they were lonely old men.”

“Do I look old to you?” Jeongguk asks, missing the point. Only he knows the point. “And, look. You bring out the best in me. Just look at me.”

“I am looking at you, Guk,” you lament, “but I just see you, and this guy who wants more than he has. It’s sucky, for me, I guess.”

He thinks on that for a second. “You’re not just a baby for me, you know that, I know that, everybody knows that. I don’t even pay you when we see each other anymore, you can’t tell me that’s the same thing we expected to have a few months ago, right?”

“Right, but-”

“But, what?” he questions. “I’m here right now because I chose to be, and because being with you just feels...natural, I guess. I don’t like just calling you to fuck for five minutes because I got stressed out at work. You’re more than that to me.”

It struggles to settle in your stomach, and he stares down at you almost pleadingly. “You know that. You do, come on.”

“Baby...Look. If I was natural, and if I was more to you than a baby, then you wouldn’t need to be calling other people when you’re stressed. If you really needed me, you’d need me. It’s that simple.”

Jeongguk shakes his head, letting go, “It’s not that simple.”

“No, Guk, it is that simple,” you murmur. You smile at him, because you don’t want him to feel too bad about it. He simply stares at you, saying nothing as you look back at your clothes. “I have class tomorrow, so I’m gonna head home.”

He says nothing.

“Good night, Guk,” you call from the front door a few minutes later. He doesn’t reply, and the silence does it for him.

[macbookpro-hard-drive]

Hi!! idc which character but could I maybe get some like trauma comfort headcanonnons?? If not that’s totally okay, no pressure!! I hope you have a lovely day/night!

heck yea man

time to indulge y’all in my fantasies of someone comforting me when i open up to them about all the baggage i have 

mm.. i think im gonna do short headcanons for all four bmc boys because theyre just. my immediate comfort characters when it comes to writing

if someones interested ill do more hcs for the gals tho!

all of these are about opening up whoopsies

so uhhh lets start w the fact im not gonna try to specify said trauma. if i do, dont rly… put too much thought into it. but im gonna try to keep the event itself a blank slate.

jeremy heere

i think jeremy’s the kind of dude who like. doesnt know how to respond at first? like… when you open up to him, he’s more shocked than anything

not because you’re opening up to him (although he would always have a small ‘they really trust me, dont they?’ internal moment) but because of what happened to you

and to establish it: going into this relationship, he was aware of your baggage. you warned him the moment things started getting serious between you two, and you had never elaborated

but here he is, sitting next to you in his bedroom one hot, summer night in the summer between sophomore and junior year

and you finally open up to him, and he just… stares at you at first. it’s very nerve-wracking because you just kinda told him and you set out to apologize

when he just sorta. gently takes your hand and apologizes that you had to go through that

and he probs make a small comment that he’s glad you’re comfortable enough and trust him enough to tell him this since he knows from experience that opening up isnt the easiest thing in the world. 

and hes soft. theres no kisses to make things better, nothing more than him maybe holding you if you’re comfortable with it - because his stomach sorta dropped the moment you said what happened and kissing you in this instant would feel… wrong

he’s just very gentle. every move he makes with you, he asks you first for consent - whether it’s just him asking to hold you, or asking if you’d be okay with sleeping next to him again right after you told him all of this because sometimes reliving that sort of thing can mess a person up

more than anything, jeremys extremely understanding and gentle when it comes to comforting you. he might press a kiss into your hair, but that’s the most romantic he’d ever get at this time

michael mell

michael, on the other hand, is good for distractions. so you two are sitting in his car, driving aimlessly for a bit because sometimes, when neither of you can sleep, you go on quiet car rides together and maybe ramble or just listen to music

and something about that night made you want to open up. you ask him to pull over and he probably makes some small joke until he does so and sees the way you’re looking at him

and he listens. he goes dead silent as he listens to you tell him everything - which isnt like michael. usually he’s much more expressive, but here? here he’s just quiet. and he stays quiet until you’re through.

and i think he’d immediately pull you into a hug if he knew you’d be okay with it. and he apologizes over and over and tells you that as long as he’s here, he’s not going to let that happen to you again if he can help it.

and he traces circles in your back as he just holds you, and maybe you’re quiet or maybe you’ve gone silent and retreated inward - but he holds you nonetheless

and when he pulls away, he smiles at you and asks if you wanna keep talking about this or if you wanna just go back to riding and pointing out stupid signs around town or if you just want to go home

and if you want, he’s happy to distract you with dumb stories that happened in his classes last semester - and about how one of his professors seems to never be where he’s expected to be, joking about how he’s totally a cryptid 

and its sweet. he doesnt force you to open up anymore than you already want to, but theres this moment where he starts to go quiet because what you told him really starts to eat away at him

and he finally looks over at you and he just… he says he loves you. maybe he’s said it a few times before, or maybe he’s said it a million - but it feels so much more weighted in that moment that you probably start crying

and he pulls over again to comfort you and its just… really soft and sweet and good

jake dillinger

jakey d, the light of my life. i like to think that when he shows up to your apartment one afternoon, he’s sorta joking about how this is pretty early for a booty call yknow-

you just sorta laugh along with him, sorta forcing yourself to stay happy until you finally sit down with him

and he knows. he knows you’ve been through something because, like i said with jeremy, you would have told him beforehand that you have baggage.

and i think he, out of the four, is the most unsure about how to respond. because sure, jake broke both his legs and had to deal with the aftermath of losing his house and everything he had, and the squips and the shit that follows in a situation like that, but… he’s never hurt like that and he just doesnt know what to say

and i dont think he does

i think he probably literally excuses himself to the bathroom and immediately starts googling how to respond when someone opens up

and he probably texts his friends asking how should he respond when someone opens up to him about their past trauma

and when he finally comes back to you, he sees you’ve kinda broken down a bit because - fuck, how else could you really respond when your boyfriend has to leave because he just doesnt have a response and you assume that hes gonna leave you because of your baggage

and i think hes immediately in front of you, sorta kneeling in front of the couch and apologizing profusely because he left

and he admits that he didnt know how to respond because he didnt… expect that you’d open up to him like this

and then he sorta apologizes and clarifies that like… he just didnt know what to say

and you start to apologize because fuck, thats a lot to drop on a person-

he stops you. he gently holds your hands and looks you in the eye and he promises that this didnt change anything. you’re still you, and he still loves you - no matter what you’ve faced in the past. and he thanks you for trusting him. 

and he also just apologizes again because he didnt mean to scare you when he walked out - he was just… scared of saying the wrong thing, or not saying anything at all, right after you told him what happened to you

but he still loves you and he makes sure thats clear

rich goranski

out of the four, rich is probably the most equipped when it comes to trauma. hes dealt with a lot of shit and has gotten a lot of help for his shit and so he has a vague idea of how to like… respond, basically.

so when he finds you crying in the kitchen at three in the morning, he immediately knows something is off.

youve talked about things before. about having baggage, hinting at your past, but you never outright told him what happened to you to make you so distrusting of people, and so bitter about the most mundane things that feels like its destroying your friendships

so when you open up to him about what happened, hes quiet. he lets you talk and he asks you what you need right now - comfort, a distraction, ect - because everyone is different and he wants to make sure he’s doing whats best for u

and he’s more than happy to do what you need him to. he probably sits down across from you and takes your hand for a moment to tell you he’s glad you trust him enough to open up about this

because honestly, rich probably has had those talks before with him opening up about his own shit - mostly finally opening up about everything to therapists and them thanking him for being trusting enough to open up about this trauma he’s gone through

so its just… something he feels is right to do in the moment

and i dont think rich has 100% opened up about the squip to you at this point. hes been meaning to, and he wants to, but he’s talked about having some shit in his past and hes been waiting until he was ready to tell you - mainly whenever he was sure y’all are serious bc he doesnt just wanna open up to just anybody, yknow?

he kinda wants to be able to envision a future there

but i think ultimately this ends w rich and u going back to bed with rich holding you and sorta aimlessly rambling about how much he loves you like the sleepy dumbass he is

and its just… very soft

thats all ive got sfkshdf but thank u for this request it was nice to write something like this since idk i have a lot of fantasies about things like this

[hey-hamlet]

BNHA AU ideas: Brothers in Arms AU

Also on AO3!

TL:DR: Inko and Mistuki are together but Mistuki is dating Masaru for appearances. Izuku and Katsuki are brothers. 

Mitsuki and Inko have been dating since high school and Masaru is their ace/aro beard

"hey antuie Inko? why do you and mum share a bedroom but not dad?" ",,,,, he snores"

Bakugo and Izuku slip up so much when they talk abt their moms

okay okay I’m all for quirk society being all open minded about same sex relationships but for the sake of this au pls consider them being taboo bc no strong quirks r being produced

so like brothers Izuku and Katsuki loving both their moms with all their hearts but not being able 2 tell anyone how amazing it is having two whole moms

they have 2 whole mums and like 1 whole dad

n they end up w 2 more dads cause their teachers are invested

sleepy Bakugo n Izuku trying to count their parents

1,,, 2,,, too many please brother

Bakugo, sleepily but angrily : "tOO ManY"

Masaru being Inko’s cousin or something and the reason katsu and Izu fall out is bc in kindergarten Izuku slipped up and an investigation was conducted so they had to engage, Mitsuki and Masaru

they never got as bad as canon though because I want dumb brothers doing dumbass shit

no nothing will ever be as bad as canon

even Horikoshi didn’t want it to go this far

correct the poor man

when Izu gets OFA he n Bakugo staying behind at school a lot, the parents are worried

it turns out they are doing as much dumb shit as they can

Izu doesn’t tell Bakugo about OFA literally just because Bakugo would be angry if he did

because it'd just be more proof Izu cant keep secrets and he can!! he’s just Very Excited all the time and wants to share

Izuku: gets OFA

Katsuki: "oh god we can never go home again u cant keep ur mouth shut"

Bakugo cheering when they get put in dorms

"the Dumb Bitch cant blab to anyone w/o the rat hearing! thank god!!"

Izuku, trying to hit Bakugo with his whole wardrobe "bitch! You! Told! Kiri! Within! 1! Month!"

Bakugo in tears, "iTS DIFFE R E N T "

Izuku:"nO TF IT AINT

Izuku, who still hasn’t told anyone: "Bitch"

Bakugo, who has told Kirishima about his 2 mothers: tearily "Bitch"

all of 1A: What The Fuck is Wrong with you two

aizawa asking about it, like a fair bit cause hearing "we cant tell them about our parents" whispered between children is Very Concerning

Izuku doesn’t like lying n he is crying which only concerning Aizawa more

"what’s wrong with ur parents?"

"hA HA Nothing our very hetero mother and Father are doing fantastic!!"

Bakugo is trying to drag Izuku out of the classroom while looking concerned and they are Confused

Aizawa, quietly to his husband later:

did they steal a child??? criminals??? abuse?? is Masaru abusive? does Masaru have 2 wives??????? are they abusing the children?????

Aizawa’s husband Mic, long sufferingly: they could just be lesbians Shouta

Aizawa:,,,,,, shit

Aizawa rly creepily coming up to the boys and going “your secret is safe with me”

they r stressed and afraid bc what the fuck is wrong with their homeroom teacher

Izuku n Bakugo: "god please what does he think is happening"

"I thought you were brothers?"

"ha,,??? yes???"

"then why does Bakugo have the quirk/looks of Mitsuki and Masaru and Izuku look like their "friend" Inko? a have a quirk that looks like none of theirs?????"

"Izuku a fucking abomination"

Bakugo n Izuku being lil shits to each other normally but something bad happens and they just kinda stick together like fucking glue

the league ends up kidnapping both of them cause Izuku was holding Bakugo’s hand

Shigiraki: ,,, damn it

Izuku, looking angrier than anyone has ever seen: you fucked up

Bakugo, grinning like a loon: bitch yes you did

pls instead of "don’t come" Bakugo is shrieking "I SWEAR COME FUCKING HOLD MY HAND IM TELLING MOMS ABT THAT TIME U SNUCK OUT TO WATCH AN MA15 ALL MIGHT DOCUSERIES"

they break out over n over again while AFO n Kurogiri keep bringing them back

Shigiraki: you could stop that you know??

Izuku who still has a lot of rage: you could?? god fucking die you know??

Bakugo n Izuku speaking in sign to each other, n someone being like "o sign! cool I can sign too!" n they just stop, n start speaking in nonsense sign bc they are so extra they made up their own sign when they were little

they would be the dumbass siblings who communicate in their own language to piss other people off

please consider someone asking

"your birthdays are like,,, 2 months apart how are you brothers?"

Izuku has a practised response of fake crying while Bakugo yells "he’s fucking adopted you jackass"

"god you’re so insensitive"

every time they have new classes they wait w unrestrained glee for when they get to do that

its best when a teacher asks

mic was the poor man

mIC BURSTING INTO THE TEACHERS LOUNGE S O B B I N G

"SHOUTA IM SO SORRY" "mic what did you do. mic. MIC"

"shOUTA INM SUCH AN INSENSITIVE JACKASS I CANT BELIEVE I SIAD THAT TO IZUKU"

Aizawa, the poor suffering man: :'oh god they got to u too"

Toshi just nods sadly "they got me the second day"

midnight getting war flashbacks

them refusing to tell the other teachers

Nezu does it just so they can pull the act bc he knows how much fun they have

they get a sub for one of their classes and Izuku is vibrating with glee

so they are both Midoriya’s  

just because someone saying the Midoriya doesn’t seem to suit their family as a name

n then, green sheep just wanders into class like "oh ok suits him I guess"

everyone’s just so used to calling them Midoriya and Baku everyone outside 1a and the teachers forgets they’re related

ok but consider Midori and Baku are actually their childhood nicknames for each other

n everyone just thinks he’s Katsuki Baku

"oh,, I thought your last name was baku?"

"1, why one earth would my brother call me by my last name. 2, why would we have different last names?? dumbass"

Kirishima asking Katsuki out like

"Baku, will you go out with me"

"wHIO TF IS BA K U"

Katsuki hiding in Izu's room after this

"he’s so fucking dumb??? I cant date him!! he’s too stupid!!!"

"he’s perfect for you then Kacchan"

Katsuki storming into Izu’s room at random times and like 80% of the time Shinsou is there. they aren’t talking or anything, but Shinsou is camped in front of Izu’s switch

Shinsou doesn’t even turn to look when the door flies open

"get out extra I need 2 talk to my brother"

"perish I’m fighting a boss"

Izu n Shinsou missing a villain attack cause they thought it was Katsuki

everyone evaced, panic looking for them

they go down to the kitchen for lunch, beat up the villain n make sandwiches

Izu giving snacks to the tied up villain

Shinsou has like 30 missed calls and he is Afraid

Izuku, cheerfully calling Bakugo "Shinsou and i made lunch!

Bakugo, about to cry "Izuku what the fuck"

s . a n d w i c h e s

Bakugo, sobbing: "Izuku u could’ve died"

Shinsou, in the distance "bold of you to assume either of us can die"

Shinsou is just the 1A cryptid

he basically only speaks to Izuku n Aizawa

Shinsou standing outside Sero's window, knocking: "w e e d"

Sero, crying : "w ,,, h o are yo u"

[zepdeans]

season 1 character thoughts!

tl;dr im aching 

1. eva: I feel bad because I honestly struggle a bit to come up with thoughts on eva? one thing I will say- she’s so inherently kind. she really went out into a crowded party searching everywhere for chris just to find a friend for a crying stranger. I also related to a lot of eva’s story and her insecurities. being that person who gets teased about stuff that actually hurts and when you get upset, you’re told to just laugh it off or you’re a buzzkill? it makes a lot of sense that she turned to chris, who complimented her on being smart, when jonas was constantly ragging on her being dumb. this season was so cathartic for eva as well- finally letting go off her guilt and standing up for herself!! she really grows into her own confident person :-) my favourite line of this season is when eva says “I wish I could go back and do it completely differently, but I can’t” because shes finally making peace with what she’s done and moving on! you can fuck up, struggle with self-hatred and insecurity and guilt, make amends, become a better person, and keep going.

2. isak: ohhh man. do not compare s1 isak to s3 isak bc it hurts real bad scoob. like I always noticed yo s1 isak’s clothes are so cool and stylish? and I love his s3 clothes but they are definitely more sloppy dude-bro-y and it’s definitely related to what gabie said abt him completely closing himself off + actively hiding any sign of his sexuality post-s1. ALSO. you ever think abt how isak was basically caught between third-wheeling his best friend (for whom he has confusing feelings for) and his gf vs. being with elias & his teasing (that actually cuts way too deep) vs. being at home while his family falls apart?? like I know a big part of eva’s arc in s1 is being alone but isak probably only had jonas as his friend too? imo isak isn’t someone who can easily make friends or be comfortable with someone, so he probably spent a lot of time alone. and even when he was with jonas there was still a feeling of isolation caused by elias’s presence :( also I’m not defending what isak did because it was a shitty thing to do but. imagine how sick with guilt he was when he thought eva was going to transfer schools. he obviously cares a lot about her and it must suck also secretly resenting her too?? he also says he was drunk when he DM’d nissenhook but since iben found out in the same episode isak did (end vs. beginning), he would’ve sent it during the week. isak getting drunk by himself on a week night being upset enough about jonas and eva to pull that shit :((( FINALLY- isak dissing bakka media students. honey you’ve got a big storm coming

3. sana: where do I start with this one. throughout the season she comes off as harsh, cold, stubborn, bossy and rude BUT much like a lindt chocolate once u crack that hard exterior u get a beautiful soft inside. not to go all 10th grade english class on u guys but this is exemplified through her wearing literally only head-to-toe black and dark makeup all season (except when she wore those cute heart hijab pins like sana I see you!! I see your soft side it’s in plain sight!!!!!). it makes sense that this is eva’s read on sana though! but once sana’s true intentions are revealed to eva and the audience (she actually cares about vilde a lot! vilde is her friend and she’s concerned for her!) then she comes out in all white... hello symbolism! like sana is SUCH a good friend. she really is. she was so adamant about the girls being cool, sticking strictly to the plan, “eva breakup w jonas lol”, but as soon as the pepsimax girls shit on vilde? she doesn’t HESITATE throwing a drink in their faces like she’s so loyal and cares so deeply even though she hides it. even though vilde hasn’t been a good friend at all to her. I think a lot of why she comes off as rude and cold is because it’s so much easier than being vulnerable (self-projection lol). also. this ties so beautifully into sana’s season but you can really see how she’s the friend who pays attention to everyone but who no one pays attention to. like when she’s missing in ep5, the audience and girls don’t even really notice it? (okay I did but yall know what I mean). but imagine being sana, constantly struggling to make friends because it’s hard for you to show you care about people and you come off as harsh to everyone, and then seeing your new friend group hangout all without you? fuck.

4. noora: I love s1 noora sooo much. genuinely such a unique character??? I don’t even know how to describe her- she’s weird, dorky, cool, confident, funny, headstrong, outspoken, mature, mysterious, alluring? she’s just so strange and captivating. the mom friend but instead of being overprotective of her friends, encourages them to go for it!! clearly a very moral person and a feminist, but not obnoxiously or performatively so. I think the cool thing about her becoming eva’s first friend and later her best friend is the contrast between them in s1- noora must seem like an enchanting, perfect being to eva: she knows exactly who she is, has no insecurities, is incredibly sure in herself and everything noora does is for noora. she’s not concerned with what anyone thinks of her! she’s so separated from what constitutes highschool popularity but her confidence is like... magnetic? in summation peak s1 noora is when she was in the cantina with her feet just.. up on the table sjdsfhjdf. anyways I love s1 noora I wish she stayed around a little bit longer :(

other fun things: -standout actors for me this season: lisa, ina, and iman! -pchris wearing that fedora dancing like that.... this rly is the hottest most popular boy at nissen huh -isak sending the aladdin phone meme gjkjdkgg -when 5 fine frokner plays at the party my ears perk up like a dog -speaking of the party. crazy shit really does always happen on skam halloweens huh -jonas: lies to eva, tells her about how much he lied. jonas: babe u have to start trusting me -JAEVLA HORE also iben biting eva? sffjsdfdjsjhfsd?? -vilde’s retelling of eva “stealing” jonas is SO dramatic but hs really is like that -honestly there’s something about a bunch of girls eating breakfast together, not wearing makeup, not caring about looking nice for each other... this is the moment they truly became friends!!!!!!! -BUTT

thanks s1 love u long time

[lysitheaioandeuropa]

hey! let’s talk! about me!

I’m gonna bullet list in hopes to keep this concise (UPDATE THIS SHIT IS A LOT LONGER THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE AND I THINK I WILL BE MAKING SEPARATE POSTS), bc i know it definitely isn’t going to be very organized. Before i had my fucking mental breakdown this afternoon, i actually had a lot of thoughts this morning. Some good, some bad, but i felt like i was taking the time to really acknowledge and process some things that.. I don’t get to acknowledge and process often. Or that i just flat out refuse to, or i choose to repress memories, or am still struggling with “wait, did that really happen or am i making it up,” which apparently is a sign of childhood emotional negligence or some shit like that. So basically this will prob end up being a series of extremely personal anecdotal text posts that i have shared with.. Absolutely no one prior to now, for all of my two followers to read (but tbh y’all don’t even have to, i’m mostly keeping this up here for me & prob to have something to share w my therapist, but i won’t stop y’all)

Part I - Oh no, I Caught “The Gay!” Alright, so boom: sexuality. I know i don't shut up about being gay, i know i am entirely way too hype about having a gf and being absolutely fucking smitten with her (AND WOMEN IN GENERAL), but when it feels like i’ve been forced into being silenced about that for sooo fucking long, shit can you blame me? I’ve been pretty open about it as an adult (p much 20 & on or so), it wasn’t like.. This huge secret or anything, but it also wasn’t something i went out of my way to make public. I never officially came out, and unfortunately when people found out it was because this real crazy chick decided to out me out of nowhere and i guess i just figured i had to own up to it, i didn’t really care what people thought of it then. It was weird answering questions, but easier to navigate in my 20s, though more on that later. I did let my partners know if i was dating anyone seriously (as seriously as you can as a teenager anyway), but past that idk, it just never came up. And i sometimes envy the younger kids/adults that like.. Have all these resources and labels available to them now, you know. I feel like its a lot easier to explore who you are and your identity today than it was when i was in middle school, having an extremely hard time sorting out my feelings for my “friends” (read as: i usually thought i just really wanted to be their friend, but also was v aware of how attractive they were to me, but it didn’t seem okay to talk about; whereas, middle schoolers now are a little more open? Have more labels? i have always settled for gay, Bc i did like and develop feelings for guys too but even then knew i liked my friends more). And i mean it was always something i personally was okay with, i wouldn’t deny myself the pleasure of finding girls attractive whatsoever. It’s weird looking at kids now like “oh no, they’re only children!” But i was all of 11 yrs old, first day of sixth grade, when i literally prayed that hands down THE prettiest girl in my 5th period would sit next to me as soon as i saw her walk in and had instant butterflies when she smiled at me and took that empty desk, like holy shit lmao (bruh.. She was 5’1”, puerto rican, and in my head at the time, looked RIGHTTTTT. We were partners in that class for the rest of the year and best friends outside of that class and her voice & her laugh, like bro!!!! Again, confusing and frustrating to have a crush on her, know that, be her friend and hello ofc she’s gorgeous so every boy was always after her too. Navigating feelings was so hard, but then i found a boy to crush on and felt normal again lmao). BUT it just seemed like the normal thing to do was not talk about it or ever bring it up to anyone at all at any point in time which i realize now is.. Yikes lmfao. I think it would have been different if i had someone to navigate that with, i was “mature” enough to figure it out on my own, and know to just keep it to myself, and accept it and not feel like a weirdo or anything, but not always be so eager to act on it. Again the older i’ve gotten, the easier it’s been to tell the story of how my parents thought the neighboring boy and i were so cute together in pre-k & meanwhile i was kissing this one girl during nap time, lmao. So like, i’m okay with that much; i don’t and never have felt guilty about being gay (bi, pan, whatever), even growing up in a church bc it rly was something that just came naturally to me from the jump. Puberty was slightly confusing but not a total shock either.

High school was even more so challenging and confusing? Bro. one of my best friends (and we’re def still friends now) and i were very close and the bitch had absolutely no boundaries whatsoever. Granted she had always been like that, I had been friends with her since the 6th grade as well and had seen her with other girls and boys but never put too much thought into it (you will see that this is my reaction to 90% of shit that happens to me). I’ve posted before and recently about being gay but not wanting to be predatory but getting mixed signals in “regular girl friendships,” and this was fucking textbook, lmao. I never got my hopes up or anything, and i just didn’t consider being with her a real option, but yeah, no, i deadass liked her and i’m sure she knew and didn’t mind the attention either lmao. Call it my first situationship i guess, lmao. We shared a locker so she would leave me notes and gifts, and vice versa, we’d bake for each other, we’d walk to class together, usually have lunch together, so on and so forth; she had no problem holding my hand and hugging me and being affectionate and calling me baby but like.. We weren’t dating. That was a thing. I both welcomed it and brushed it off; i was really comfortable with her physically, but still thinking i should only be dating boys even though they made me extremely uncomfortable and i’d flinch if they got too close (lmao, i have an entire separate section ready for men; cue eyeroll). I mean she kind of lead me on but not rly? I knew not to take it srsly BUT i also knew i’d be down as fuck if she ever changed her mind lmfao. Deadass she’s a 10/10 both then and now and she’d always do this cuuuute thing where she’d wrap her hands around my neck and kiss my nose and bruh i’d melt. Most people were already convinced we were dating *shrug* anyway though, this guy tried to hook up w me but i was like ehhhh so he ended up hooking up w her instead and i started dating my first boyfriend (who was terrible, abusive, and legitimately ruined my life in the short span of 10 months or so but that’s in the men’s section). It’s not like all of that magically stopped either though but i never pressed her for anything more, just entertained her and got butterflies every time she would hit me w that “i’d so love to date you” but her issue was she was comfortable with women but not sexually. I obviously wasn’t trying to sleep w her at 14, but i get it, that's her prerogative & it never got in the way of our actual friendship & i 100% value her as JUST my friend, she’s been rly great to me and has been there for the shittiest of times and has gotten me out of some rough spots. It was what it was lol. And there were other pretty girls after her that i would have considered pursuing but just never went for it. There was this senior girl i had for a class the following year and she also was and still is just jaw-dropping, beautiful, like holy shit. Something about her reminded me of strawberries and just made me feel cozy, you know? She always smelled nice, her hair was strawberry blond wellll past her waist, and she had to have been dumb to not notice me checking her out 25/8. Anyway though, i’m not trying to talk about every single girl i’ve had a crush on; the point is, i have always been firm on my sexuality you know, i never felt like i had a “questioning” phase and it just felt normal (and it has been annoying to have people question just bc i wasn’t “out” long enough to them? Or bc i’m straight passing as far as being fem + dating shitty guys goes). The only weird part was just never pursuing or never having the means to, obviously every girl is 500% straight in high school, or they sure were back then at least. I knew all of like two or three openly out girls and while i was not interested in none of them, i did envy the confidence they had not in just “hey i’m GAY,” but one of them was notorious for just pursuing any girl she was interested in and having it work in her favor? Even the “straight” ones? In my head i could only think like bro how the fuck? Anyway, proceed w checking chicks out on the sly and dating shitty guys (#bars)

So of course, college came around right, and thankfully i knew myself well enough at this point to know that my relationship with women was completely different from my relationship with men. How we interacted, how they made me feel, etc. i moved out at 17, had my own apartment, all that jazz. I had a serious boyfriend but we did do the “open relationship” thing for a bit and lo and behold, available women were everywhere. And we’d chat, flirt, and i knew the physical attraction was there (and, you know, i’m not going to get graphic or anything but confirmed i enjoyed that aspect as well) but not rly much else. So again, never put much thought into it, i was open to being with women romantically but it just never came up and finding straight guys to date after that boyfriend and i broke up was just easier. At this point, i took a “cross that bridge when i get to it” when it came to “officially” being out; it seemed pointless to make this huge deal when i was still just dating dudes, or not dating anyone at all. Not too long thereafter though, one of my close friends (i only have a couple) called me freaking out, it was adorable, lmao. So this girl confessed her love to her and she was confused about what she should do lmao (my gaydar went off THE SECOND I first met my friend and i mentioned it in passing but she always brushed it off). The whole “do what feels right” line is tired but that was the only advice i can give her really. Putting a little more thought into the situation this time and wishing i had someone i could call when i was freaking out over a girl i told her like “you know, there’s nothing wrong if you’re gay. I’m gay, i turned out just fine.” long story short, if you ask her she will always credit me for helping her come to terms with that, but she was also the first person outside of a boyfriend that i said that out loud to and.. It was nice. We kinda helped each other through that and it was nice to have that one gay friend finally lmao. But let’s just fast forward to maybe a year after that, i’d talk to girls here and there nothing serious, when the same crazy girl that liked my friend wants to talk to me (i told y’all the lesbian/local community dumb small) my friend didn’t care and i wasn’t trying to date her seriously, i was in town for the holidays and figured it’d be fun, whatever. So i was going to LIC w A HUGEEE group of my friends. Like. a significant amount, that i had only seen a couple times since high school, and that i obviously did not share my personal business with. This girl knew i wasn’t out, i told her not to be acting crazy either smh. So i knew the girl in passing but not like officially and we did most of our talking online/texting (bc thats how lesbians meet lmao). Keeping that in mind, this is the first time i’m actually meeting this girl not irl but def f2f y’know.. And this is the third time that i’m saying she’s crazy. We find a place to meet at LIC between sets and i told my friends i was waiting for another friend of mine thinking that would be the end of that. Now the whole “lesbians are crazy and move way too fast” trope was a thing w this one bc as soon as she spotted me she ran to me and just kissed me, i swear it was straight out of The Notebook, bro and i turned around and my group of MAYBE 10 friends that caught that were literally staring, wide-eyed, jaws dropped. And i just brushed it off and said k, i’m ready to go, and the questions from there on after just would not stopppppp. It was partially embarrassing bc i am not a spotlight ass bitch whatsoever, but most people that saw us together strangers and whatnot thought we were a “cute couple” and we were complimented most of the night. But every time she’d hug me or kiss me or anything, my friends would be ready behind her back in group of three trying to mouth over me like “girlfriend???? Dating?????” and no she wasn’t my girlfriend but the way she was all over me i had to claim her as such at that point to make my life easier lmao. And i can laugh it off now because no, it rly wasn’t that big a deal to me then but it does kind of suck that it ended up not being my own choice y’know. I had fun with her, the night ended well, she left w me and slept over (nothing happened [that time] but it was still nice nonetheless lol). New years eve was the next couple days and we made plans together and again, we weren’t official or like REALLY talking and it was a (different) group of us going to this house party. I didn’t think she’d do the same thing like, bro without asking or anything, imagine if i was a person that did seriously mind?? Anyway, she got drunk and was the life of the party, she has quite the presence, and by the time it was midnight she straddling my lap making out with me and thats how i came out to everyone else i knew and whoever wasn’t at any of those two events sure did receive texts and pics of my date and i. It was embarrassing initially cause this girl!! Why the fuck did she do that!! Lmao, explaining myself to my closest friends was odd bc they were offended i didn’t tell them sooner and i’m just like.. It never came up at all you know. With that said, i have waited to see if i would ever seriously date a woman bc i knew i wanted to but the opportunity never presented itself until recently, and that’s why ya’ll see me out here screaming on rooftops about how gay i am bc i finally get to do that, on my own terms, and bc i love someone soooo so so dearly.

[aluwyn-blog]

ok ur opinion on: sp*ke LOL i wanna see u Tear him apart, cordelia chase, summer (the season), willow/tara, UM and s4 of btvs!

:^) great ask

sp*ke: disgusting terrible awful violently misogynistic yah he’s in love with but he treats her like shit and literally??? tries to rape her?????? uhhhh i hate him with a burning passion!!!!!!! why did he have to be written like that like. he would’ve been fine as just a villain who left or got killed or smth but INSTEAD they had to write him like. allying with the scoobies??????? falling in l*ve with buffy?????????????????????????????? i dont fucking think so. remember when drusilla was hot for angelus so he put her unconscious in his car and drove away like he literally kidnapped her. sidenote i love drusilla and im glad she had the sense to dump him! back to sp*ke so when we found out he had drawings of her everywhere apparently everyone’s response was “that’s so romantic he did them himself” instead of a normal response like “that’s some fucked up disgusting shit he was really stalking her and invading her both physically and mentally” ummmmmmm why do villains have to be so violently misogynistic so much of the time i really just. am so sick of seeing violence against women all the goddamn time and i don’t want it anymore!!!!!! bye!!!!!!!!!!! no one can write unnecessarily misogynistic storylines ever!!!!!! actually men can’t write at all!!!!!! take note men stop writing i’m done with you

cordelia chase: angel love of my life fashion icon deserved so much better!!! ok so we start in high school and she is so so lonely and deserved love and someone who actually cared about her!!! like buffy xander treated her like crap as well i’m so :(((( about her relationships like she never got anyone who treated her well and was healthy for her except groo and that was ? a little confusing to me but i think she was supposed to have been in love with angel the whole time..or something idk cangel was p cute but it seemed like it was just joss forcing hetero plots on everybody lmaoooooo her dying was absolutely ridiculous and unwarranted and hwat they did to charisma carpenter was honestly so disgusting!!! there are so many ways of concealing a pregnancy other than having it be a demon who kills her! jesus. she deserved so much better and i love her with my whole entire heart. also what was her hair doing in angel i honestly feel that that…was the beginning of the end

summer: good season!! not the best season because it does get very hot and humid which is :( and i am constantly afraid of getting sunburnt and then getting skin cancer!! so i slather my whole body in spf 30+ every single day its so important to protect your skin. i like the flowers a lot and i looove the bees and the butterflies that come out!!!!!!!! you guys are doing so well keep it up

willow/tara: :(( ok i can’t say i didn’t like them because they rly were so important to me lesbian wise and the good parts? were amazing but. what willow did to her was such a violation and really…..not okay? but tara did forgive her and i honestly think that’s really important to remember because yah willow did really bad things and tara knew this and she was understandably hurt and upset and couldn’t be with her for a while and. she was in love with her like i really think they were each other’s true loves! every relationship has issues to work through and. i think they did that. they helped each other grow sooooo much as well like tara became so much more confident and loved herself and grew magicwise as well and i love her soo so much!! also i think it’s absolutely disgustingly homophobic how she died and neither of them deserved that

s4 of btvs: ICONIC!!!!! we first see tara in s4!!!!!!! the beginning of the lesbianism!!!!!!! ummm all the sp*ke helping the scoobies scenes were dumb and pointless and i wish the initiative had just killed him but. w/e. i didn’t really like anya/xander because he kind of treated her like a five year old overreacting at everything but i love anya with a passion so that was nice!! riley was….whats the word……..boring as fuck. the end scene with buffy being that powerful was COOL idk really what happened there but!!! big nut!!!!!! umm adam wasn’t one of my favorite villains but i would’ve liked to see more parallels between him and buffy because i think they were similar in that they were both human + smth else added on that they didn’t ask for. idk i just think that would’ve been super interesting!! overall a 6/10

[dvddggs]

To the Four of Us (Part Twelve)

premise: modern AU chronicling the squad as they make their way through college and deal with general life things. 

words: 2,503

warnings: swearing & things get a lil bit spicy ((nothing too graphic but nsfw!!))??? 

a/n: john is rly good at Suppressing His Emotions™ 

all chapters: x

tags: @heythereitsloey @anitheunicorn @newyorkyoucanbeanew @lafbagxette @justafangirlwithanavy @iamgrayfox @ordinaryornate @schuylerjoon @angelica-peggy-eliza @trashyperson101 @crazydragon15 @geespilots dedication: lmao i forgot to do this so they probably won’t see but @iamgrayfox and @skittlegeek03 for drawing TTFOU scenes for me oMFGG

soundtrack song: Fall Apart - Every Avenue

full soundtrack: x

as always, let me know what you think! shoot me an ask if you wanna be notified when I update!

Hercules woke up to a sore neck, a hard surface, and an incessant ringing in his ear. It wasn’t one of his nicer mornings. Rubbing the back of his neck, he sat up and realized that at some point during the night Alexander, whom he’d so kindly allowed in his bed, had pushed him onto the floor.

Hercules picked up his phone and checked who was trying to call him. Lafayette. He’d called four times, left three voicemails, and texted seven times. Mid-ring on the fifth call, Hercules smashed the ‘talk’ button with his thumb.

“What do you want, Laf?” he snapped.

“Mon dieu,” his friend’s voice melted sweetly through the speaker. “Aren’t we grumpy this morning.”

“I fell off my bed last night and your incessant calls woke me up.”

“Well, evidently not quickly enough. Our group presentation is in ten minutes, mon ami.”

In Alexander’s emotional turmoil of the previous night, Hercules had completely forgotten to practice his half of the presentation.

Or, y’know, write his half of the presentation.

“Fuck,” Hercules said quietly.

He clicked the speakerphone button so Laf could coach him through his lines as he pulled his clothes on and tried to smooth out his hair.

“Herc!” Lafayette yelled, halting the Hercules whirlwind for a moment. “John told me what happened, so when you told me Alex was sick I figured he was having an Alex moment and that’s why you were staying home. I wrote stuff down on a cue card for you. Chillax.”

Hercules sighed in relief.

“Who taught you the word, ‘chillax,’ Laf?”

“John. He said tons of people say it.”

“He lied,” Hercules chuckled. “You sound like a tool. No one’s said that since the nineties.”

“Fuck,” Lafayette muttered. “I told my TA that I spent the weekend chillaxing at your house. Anyways, see you soon. Hurry!”

Before Lafayette even hung up the phone, Hercules was out the door, leaving Alexander a text for when he woke up.

Herc: Had to go to class. I’ll be back soon. don’t do anything dumb. please, for the love of god, don’t do anything dumb.

When he got back from his class, Alexander was laying on Hercules’s bed, staring at the ceiling. He looked like he was deep in thought.

“He said he loved me, Herc,” Alexander remarked lightly when Hercules got back.

“I know,” Hercules replied. “I heard.”

“And I told him that I cheated on him. At the exact same time.”

Hercules didn’t know what to make of these statements—he couldn’t tell if Alexander was still sad or if he was disassociating from the upsetting previous night.

“I know.”

“And now, Hercules Mulligan, I have fucked up my life so incredibly that I cannot seem to function wholly enough to get up off of your bed. You see, when I kissed our dear friend John Laurens, I’m afraid that I have royally fucked up not only my relationship with my boyfriend, but also my friendship with John. And the pièce de résistance? There is nothing I can do to fix it.”

Alexander turned his head and shot a tight-lipped smile at Hercules, but his eyes were dark and humourless.

“You need to talk to him, Alex.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know.”

Alexander waved a dismissive hand and went back to staring at the ceiling. Hercules had never seen him like this. Was he broken?

After their kiss, John wasn’t sure what he’d expected to happen. No matter what, though, he hadn’t expected to be ignored by Alexander for over a full day. He’d told him everything and he wasn’t crazy for thinking that they’d shared an intimate moment, was he?

For the amount that Alexander talked, he was pretty shitty at communicating. What had that night meant to him? John wasn’t stupid—he hadn’t expected Alexander to drop everything and break up with Thomas after they kissed—but he also hoped that it meant more to Alex than pity.

John was never one for pity—that was why he rarely told people about his father. He only told his friends because he figured they were past that point. And yet…

The Alexander Situation, as Lafayette was calling it, would not let John be. It nagged at his brain like an annoying fly, buzzing by his head right when he thought it was gone. He wanted to reach out and talk to Alexander, but he didn’t want to be the first to break the silence. What if he didn’t want to talk? What if Thomas had found out and they were in a fight? He didn’t want to make things worse.

Lafayette was getting annoyed by this ever-preoccupied John. Hercules, who had been supposedly taking care of a sick Alexander, was also busy, which left Laf laying on John’s floor staring at the ceiling saying things like, “Why can’t you just find yourself a nice boy and settle down, Johnny?”

To which John would usually sigh before saying, “Are you suggesting yourself? Make out with me and let’s see if you’ve got what it takes.”

And Laf would scoff, “Please. You already know I do.”

And John would shrug because Laf was probably right and they’d go back to staring at the ceiling, or doing homework, or watching Netflix.

It’s not that he wasn’t affected by the kiss, it’s just that it was easier for him to ignore how wonderful it was at the time and how much it hurt to know that it was probably brought on by one of his best friends pitying him.

So, he bantered with Laf. He went to class. He made out with a guy from the first floor of their building. He kept his mind off of Alexander.

Until he got the text.

John was laying in his bed, contemplating whether or not he needed to attend his night class on social justice when his phone lit up from across the room. Since Laf was in class with Hercules, he’d assumed it was one of them updating him on how boring it was. When he checked the message, however, he raised his eyebrows in surprise.

Alex: Okay, we need to talk about what happened. I’m coming over.

John was surprised that stubborn Alexander Hamilton was making the first move in what was surely going to be an awkward encounter, but he wasn’t going to question it—it saved him the trouble of doing so.

Quickly, he got dressed, changing from the short sleeves he was comfortable wearing around Lafayette into a hoodie. The bruises on his arms had faded mostly into yellowish splotches, but he didn’t need Alexander staring at them the whole time they were talking. He still wasn’t sure what Alexander’s endgame was, but he needed to find out.

“John,” Alexander called through the door after a soft knock. “Can I come in?”

“It’s open,” John replied.

Alexander opened the door and tried to smile at John, but it looked like more of a pained grimace. John noticed right away how tired he looked. His eyes were puffy and he had bags under them so dark that they looked like bruises.

This was already so awkward…John didn’t know where to begin. Alexander should never have kissed him. Although, John was the one who practically begged for it. He remembered telling Alexander not to speak and ruin the moment at the time; it had just been so perfect. When they spoke now it was almost guaranteed to ruin everything, so John refused to make the first move. Why the hell would he ruin what he’d been longing for for so long?

“So…Thomas broke up with me.”

Wait, what?

“You told him,” John remarked. It wasn’t a question.

Alexander nodded and bit his lip, staring down at the floor. He looked upset and suddenly John understood why his eyes were so puffy—he’d been crying.

“I had to,” Alexander replied quietly.

John watched as Alexander stepped closer, shrinking the space between them. He reached out slowly for John’s hand and pulled him into his chest. Instantly, John felt his defences go up. He jerked away and felt his cheeks heat up in anger.

“What are you doing?” he snapped.

Alexander looked as if he’d just been smacked in the face. “What do you mean?” he asked slowly. “I thought you wanted this.”

John gaped at him, incredulous.

“I don’t want to be your disgusting leftovers! Thomas dumped you because you can’t keep your fucking hands to yourself and you think I’m just going to be there waiting for you? Fuck no, Alexander. That’s not how this works.”

Alexander stared at John, at a loss for words. His hand still hovered awkwardly where it tried to hold John’s.

“I’m sorry…I didn’t—”

“Maybe next time,” John spat, “you should think before you take pity on one of your best friends and decide to kiss them when you’re supposedly in a happy relationship. Because that’s why you did it, right? Because you felt bad for me? I’m not some unstable little kid, Alexander. I’ve been dealing with this shit all my life; I can handle it. I don’t need you to feel sorry for me.”

John huffed and looked up at the ceiling, blinking back tears of frustration. He knew he was being mean but he couldn’t help himself. He didn’t want to be Alexander’s second choice. He could feel himself getting emotional. Why did Alexander have to fuck everything up? John wished he could go back to hating Thomas and feeling sorry for himself about their relationship. This was way more complicated. Now, there was no physical reason to not be with Alexander—it was on principle. John refused to be taken advantage of.

“I didn’t do it because I felt sorry for you,” Alexander whispered.

“Really?” John asked harshly. “Because now you’re standing in my room crying to me about how Thomas broke up with you after you made the choice to kiss me. What did you expect, Alexander? You can’t have it all. Sometimes you need to make a goddamn choice, and you made this one way too late. I’m done waiting for you to call the shots—”

Before John could finish his sentence, Alexander lunged forward and crushed his lips to John’s. This was not tender like their other kiss had been. He bit down on John’s lip and tugged at it with his teeth. John yelped in surprise but did not pull away—if Alexander could kiss John without having feelings, John could do the same to him.

John tugged on the collar of Alexander’s jacket to pull him closer, and Alexander locked his hands behind John’s back. They kissed roughly. John traced the outline of Alexander’s teeth with his tongue as Alexander nibbled on his bottom lip. Pulling his shirt over his head, John pushed Alexander down on his bed and walked across the room to lock his door.

“Take that off,” he growled, indicating Alexander’s jacket. He quickly obliged, throwing it in a pile on the floor. John tore the shirt off over Alexander’s head and ran a hand over his chest. He leaned down and pressed his mouth to his chest, sucking the skin—hard—to leave a dark hickey in his wake. He did this again on Alexander’s neck and on his jawline, feeling the vibration in Alexander’s throat as he moaned.

He didn’t really know where they were heading—whether they were going to stop or not. He was furious, but he also wanted this more than anything, which confused him.

“Fuck me,” Alexander groaned quietly.

John pulled back for a moment, genuinely surprised.

“What did you say?”

Alexander’s eyes grew darker, lustful. “I said fuck me.”

John bit his lip and looked down at Alexander. This was where he should have stopped. But he thought about all the times he’d imagined fucking him (it was more often than he cared to admit). So he didn’t stop.

It was nothing like John had pictured it to be—he was rough with Alexander, leaving hickeys trailing up his spine as he fucked him hard from behind.

When they finished, John rolled off Alexander and laid down beside him, panting. As his heart rate slowed to normal speed he realized how little this would probably help the situation. At least he felt a bit less angry.

“Fuck,” Alex whispered.

John nodded in agreement.

“So,” Alexander began. John refrained from rolling his eyes—this was when Alexander ruined things by talking. “John I know you’re probably still mad. I mean, that wasn’t exactly loving. But please just know that I really am sorry. I know that I’m a fucking idiot: I get caught up in a moment way too easily and get carried away. I didn’t kiss you the other night because I wanted to hurt you. I genuinely wasn’t thinking. And don’t worry—I fucked a lot of shit up, so I’m already being punished for it. You can at least take comfort in that. And—”

“Alexander,” John said exasperatedly. “Would you do me a favour and shut the fuck up?”

Alexander turned his head to look at John. There was a kindness somewhere in his eyes that wasn’t there before—the kindness that Alexander was used to seeing.

John sighed and stood up to pull his joggers back on. They’d seen each other naked long enough for one day. Baby steps. He tossed Alexander his jeans and sat down beside him on the edge of the bed.

This time, John reached for Alexander’s hand. He didn’t speak, or even look at Alexander as he tangled their fingers together. They were in a fragile place—not much was holding them together at the moment. It was like their interlocked fingers were the physical manifestation of their connection; it wouldn’t take much to break it.

Alexander released John’s hand and wrapped his arms around his back, pulling him down to lie with him on the bed. He curled up in front of Alexander, who slid one arm under John’s neck and the other over his side. Involuntarily, the corners of John’s lips tugged upwards into a small smile. He hated to admit it, but he felt safe.

Later that night, Lafayette knocked quietly on the door connecting his and John’s rooms. Hercules had asked him if he knew where Alexander was, and Laf had a sneaking suspicion John might know.

When John didn’t answer the knock, Lafayette creaked the door open and his jaw dropped. He immediately ripped his phone out of his pocket to text Hercules.

Laf: ALEX SPOONING JOHN. BOTH SHIRTLESS. JOHN’S HAIR IS DOWN. SEX HAIR. THEY FUCKED.

Hercules replied immediately.

Herc: fucking finally.

Laf smiled and tucked his phone back into the pocket of his jeans. As horrified as he was that he’d walked in on his best friends cuddling, he was happy they’d finally accepted the fact that they’d obviously been in love since they’d met.

The world was, for once, at peace.

[imabookmarkaddict]

or would the ex gf just stick to the simple script of 'how could you do this to me'?

WelshenToday at 1:12 AM

Uh idk i like to think they liked each other so maybe not cussing bu like youre the worst i cant believe u did this to me

[1:12 AM]

Like me when u mention star trek

puzzlezToday at 1:12 AM

ur the ex gf

[1:12 AM]

i c

WelshenToday at 1:12 AM

Ofc

[1:12 AM]

U trusted sadi tho

[1:12 AM]

Thats on u man

puzzlezToday at 1:13 AM

and okay, i know some people can get monstrous with their language when they're really upset and i didn't know if the ex gf would be the type to hurl insults to hide her hurt or if she'd be a lil more 'mature' about it

[1:14 AM]

also would she care that it was a guy trevor 'cheated' with or would that not rly faze her/be something she mentions?

WelshenToday at 1:14 AM

I dont think she noticed

[1:14 AM]

That comes up next time

puzzlezToday at 1:14 AM

there's a next time omg

[1:15 AM]

idk if i feel worse for trevor or markus having to put up with angry ex gf popping up and making their budding (and doomed) love awkward

WelshenToday at 1:17 AM

Well yeah she doesnt give up duh

[1:17 AM]

I think she comes back like im pregnant

[1:17 AM]

Halp

[1:18 AM]

And trevor has half a backbone and says no go to my ex best friend is it even mine no ofc it isnt lol

[1:19 AM]

Eventually tho the best friend just vanishes so trevor thinks its immoral to let a pregnant woman live on the street right obv she has it very difficult

[1:20 AM]

But he kind of asked markus to move in and now has to amend it to move in with me and my preg ex

[1:20 AM]

Eventually they get marrued for the child even if its not his so

[1:20 AM]

Shrug??

  puzzlezToday at 5:51 AM

i'm assuming that markus overhears most/all of the convo between trevor and his ex gf since the apartment isn't that big?

WelshenToday at 5:51 AM

Yeah

[5:52 AM]

He doesnt really care about cheating, he would never do it but most of his customers obv cheated on wives and stuff

puzzlezToday at 5:53 AM

so i know markus wants to just hide under a blanket and die but does he ask trevor at all about what happened with the ex gf or is he okay with just not talking about it?

WelshenToday at 5:53 AM

Hmm

[5:54 AM]

Well maybe he asks if the chocolate didnt work out or smth

[5:54 AM]

And trevor just mentions that apparently his best friend was giving it to her

[5:54 AM]

Wink

[5:55 AM]

But not really more than that, maybe later when trevor goes boyfriend? Markus asks if the ex is an ex(edited)

puzzlezToday at 5:58 AM

so what happens after the little talk about the ex gf? like, does markus mention anything about hanging out again/does trevor?

[5:58 AM]

basically, how do they decide to keep in touch

WelshenToday at 5:59 AM

Ugh

[5:59 AM]

Well markus doesnt really carry a phone

[5:59 AM]

So thats out

puzzlezToday at 5:59 AM

rofl

[5:59 AM]

i wasn't sure if like they didn't establish communication and bump into each other again or if they decide while still in the apartment that they want to hang out again

WelshenToday at 5:59 AM

So idk a normal way to deal with that,

puzzlezToday at 6:00 AM

like trevor saying something like "well we never finished that movie so u wanna come over again some time to try again" or smth

WelshenToday at 6:00 AM

God thats so perfect lol

[6:01 AM]

Markus is prob awk saying sorry dont have a phone, you cant come over

[6:02 AM]

Cuz he's staying with another family

[6:02 AM]

A friend of jonahs cousin its complicated

[6:02 AM]

So trevor is like well i work at the mall at x clothing store bla bla

[6:03 AM]

And markus goes yeah i work at the crepe/non usa pancake bar

[6:03 AM]

So they mostly hang out at trevors apt, at work or the mall. Meet me at x tmrw at 4 or whatever people do(edited)

puzzlezToday at 6:05 AM

so i was picturing the original convo (after the ex gf leaving) kind of being like a little awk and then when markus tries to flee, trevor dropping a comment about like "hey come back at x time to finish the movie with me" and markus agreeing

WelshenToday at 6:06 AM

Oh yeah that makes sense, markus cant say no if he feels he owes something

puzzlezToday at 6:07 AM

and that's kind of the end of the scene, and i guess the next scene being the movie?? i'm kind of wondering like

WelshenToday at 6:07 AM

Thats kind of fuzzy

puzzlezToday at 6:08 AM

did u want to do something dumb and cute like the two running into each other at the mall somewhere and that's when they both say they work there?

[6:08 AM]

like idk they're on break

[6:08 AM]

or trevor is on break and wants a quick snack but damn gf packs lunch and shes not there so he didn't pack a lunch and gets cheap/quick junk food and -- oh hi markus how u

WelshenToday at 6:08 AM

Oh hey that second one is cute

[6:09 AM]

Im pretty sure markus workplace is like a 10min walk from the mall or smth but its well recommended

[6:09 AM]

So it would make sense i think

[6:10 AM]

Idk im incompetent at cute

puzzlezToday at 6:10 AM

omg no ur fine

[6:11 AM]

over the past few years i feel like i've gotten good at bouncing ideas off of ppl because despite doing v little actual rp'ing i've planned a shit load of details for the rps and it mostly involved me concocting ideas until the other person says "i like that one"

[6:11 AM]

so if i make a rec u don't like ur not going to hurt my feeings btw

WelshenToday at 6:11 AM

Well im kind of particular

[6:12 AM]

But more about personality

[6:12 AM]

Also why would u care about yr feelings when u go for yoga and skurk

puzzlezToday at 6:15 AM

so it could be like the next work day (i forget but i think the amusement park was on a saturday? so its sunday rn? so next work day is monday unless markus works whenever/whatever days) markus sees trevor and there's that little burst of surprise at seeing each other, and trevor explains i work at the mall, and markus is all oh never seen u here just surprised and trevor semi awkwardly explains yehhhh ex gf packed lunch so now i gotta figure out food for myself/didn't have anything today buuuut won't complain at seeing a friendly face (or something kinda friendly and flirty)

[6:16 AM]

and maybe they have a small flirt fest and at the end trevor says something about "oh i never got your number?" and markus admits he doesn't have a phone and trevor is all well sighs guess i gotta wait until saturday (whatever time they agreed to see the movie)

WelshenToday at 6:16 AM

Yeah that sounds about right

puzzlezToday at 6:17 AM

and markus feels a bit tickled at someone expressing excitement at someone seeming a bit excited about meeting up

WelshenToday at 6:18 AM

The only attention markus has gotten is from spencer so yah now he's a pretty easy flirt

puzzlezToday at 6:18 AM

is trevor a sweet tooth that he would start to casually show up at markus' work every now and then for a bite of food and a quick flirt with markus?

[6:18 AM]

...wait what kind of crepe place we talking actually

WelshenToday at 6:18 AM

Im sure he would do it anyway, see taking care of ex gf

[6:19 AM]

Swedish pancakes are apparently called crepes in usa

puzzlezToday at 6:19 AM

the traditional ones like in france were there are also savory crepes (filled with meat/cheese) or the kind where they just have desert (piled up with sugar/fruit)

[6:19 AM]

u have ur own omg

[6:19 AM]

google time

WelshenToday at 6:19 AM

Christ

[6:19 AM]

But yeah i think its at most cheese

[6:20 AM]

Not meat really ? Idk how they stay in business

[6:20 AM]

But hey we eat pancakes w jam for lunch in sweden so f u america

puzzlezToday at 6:20 AM

...huh

[6:21 AM]

they look like crepes idk taste difference obv

[6:21 AM]

we have places here that only sell sweet crepes

WelshenToday at 6:21 AM

Ifbwe were to make crepes

[6:21 AM]

They would be even thinner and smaller

puzzlezToday at 6:21 AM

most americans think crepes = dessert only even tho in france they're mostly a savory snack/light meal

[6:21 AM]

yeah the swedish ones look a little thicker than french crepes but other than that they look similar

[6:22 AM]

what do u want me to call them in the story

WelshenToday at 6:22 AM

Probably are idk

puzzlezToday at 6:22 AM

i mean i can call them the swedish name if u want

WelshenToday at 6:22 AM

Theyre called crepes in the next story

[6:22 AM]

Which is the nsfw of markus workplace

[6:22 AM]

Please dont eat there its unsanitary

[6:23 AM]

Every surface has been banged on

[6:23 AM]

Maybe not the stove

puzzlezToday at 6:24 AM

omfg figures

[6:24 AM]

wtf r they called in swedish tho

[6:24 AM]

none of the recipes i'm looking at call them anything but crepes

WelshenToday at 6:24 AM

Pancakes

[6:24 AM]

Or pannkakor

puzzlezToday at 6:25 AM

huh okay

WelshenToday at 6:25 AM

Literal translation

puzzlezToday at 6:25 AM

does markus' workplace have a name or is it just "that crepe place"

[6:26 AM]

same goes for trevor's workplace actually is it just "the clothing store"?

WelshenToday at 6:27 AM

Rofl idk remember unnamed bf

[6:27 AM]

Idk if i use real ones or made up ones

[6:28 AM]

Instead of an h&m store its m&h maybe shrug

puzzlezToday at 6:30 AM

that works, yeh

[6:30 AM]

i tried looking up cute crepe store names but the best i found was "cut the crepe"

[6:30 AM]

(pun on cut the crap but not very good if u ask me)

WelshenToday at 6:31 AM

Snort its cute tho

[6:31 AM]

Im bad at puns

[6:31 AM]

Markus loves puns, its not compatible

puzzlezToday at 6:32 AM

omg well if it comes up do u want the crepe place to be called cut the crepe?

WelshenToday at 6:32 AM

Sure

[6:32 AM]

And if we come up w something better i can just edit shrug

puzzlezToday at 6:33 AM

yeh

[6:33 AM]

idk if it will come up tbh since i'm not rly the type to shove details in unless it feels natural if that makes sense?

[6:34 AM]

like idk if i'm writing from markus' pov for example i'm not going to wax poetic about how he looks every time he glances at a mirror because realistically how often do u look at urself in the mirror and analyze ur every detail

[6:34 AM]

ur more likely to give it a quick glance and be done

[6:34 AM]

stuff like that

[6:34 AM]

but yeh it's good to know small stuff in case it does come up for any reason

WelshenToday at 6:36 AM

Sure thats fine

[6:36 AM]

Fun to think about tho

puzzlezToday at 6:36 AM

yeh

WelshenToday at 6:37 AM

Thats more if i do art for it

[6:37 AM]

Wink

puzzlezToday at 6:38 AM

okay so for now it's ex gf shows up, melt down, awk convo and trevor asks for markus to come back to finish the movie, meet up at markus' work, and then movie

[6:38 AM]

omg yes

WelshenToday at 6:38 AM

Yah sounds very good

puzzlezToday at 6:40 AM

so should it be like trevor shows up earlier in markus' work week (like mon or tues) and then again later in the week (friday or smth)? or would trevor not rly think too much about markus after the first encounter at the crepe place cuz moping about gf off and on?

[6:41 AM]

i'm wondering if maybe they agreed to meet up like friday at 7 pm or smth and would/do you want trevor to show up after his shift at the crepe place for a sweet bite and then lingers and asks if markus wants to walk back to his apartment after markus gets off?

WelshenToday at 6:41 AM

Idk i think he was suspecting her for a while? Which is why he blew up at markus for "cheating" the wheel

[6:42 AM]

So hes probably okay with how it turned out

[6:42 AM]

And hes got a rebound now too

[6:42 AM]

Whos very compliant

[6:42 AM]

But yeah he can border on stalker

[6:43 AM]

Very simpleminded guy we're talking about

[6:43 AM]

And i guess hes worried about losing contact?

puzzlezToday at 6:44 AM

omg well it could also be like idfk trevor feels a little excited at the idea of moving on if he was okay with how things went with the ex gf

[6:44 AM]

thought it might make markus happy to have a guy kinda acting like a dope at the idea of a date-not-date thing

[6:45 AM]

like trevor kinda being like "well if ur not doing anything after u get off u don't have to wait until 7 to come over u could walk home with me"

WelshenToday at 6:47 AM

Yeah definitely

[6:48 AM]

Markus is happy to have a friend first of all

[6:49 AM]

Well a nice friend

[6:50 AM]

So yah markus does kinda see sex as an unevitable payment for a relationship tho

puzzlezToday at 6:50 AM

poor kid

[6:51 AM]

so would trevor make moves for 'round 2' of the failed sex on movie day or would they just chat and hang and flirt?

[6:51 AM]

idk how fast things actually get sexual with them so

WelshenToday at 6:55 AM

I dont really know either

[6:55 AM]

Whatever ur comfortable with to start

[6:55 AM]

But yeah im sure trevor is the kind of guy who goes hey i studied lots of porn

[6:56 AM]

Watch what i can do and markus just finds it adorably vanilla lol

[6:56 AM]

Maybe he tries to proper date on date one a kiss on date two etc

[6:57 AM]

Markus finds all of him adorable but in the end too naive for a longterm relationship i guess

[haeroniel-doliet]

dwhos here for another raaaaaant (vent)? topic is friendships but lets see where thisll go! waheyy let us insert the read more. 

kayokay okay welcome youre gonna regret this; if you havent read through my shitty vents before prepare for ilegibility and thought trains going all over the place and references to things and people youll never know okay great you got off this train? cool gives me more power to crash it see ya. 

okay where do we even begin, oh lets go wild and push out a couple topics first. one is; how shit has improved being uni and how everything seems awful brighter now; why it hasnt actually improved and im lonely as ever; how lonely have i always been; but am i really lonely or just think i should have more bc expectations; why im like this and cannot form relationships

lets start with a bit of a history dive eh eh this is what youre here for, me oversharing my life to nobody thatll read it but come on anyway bc one of the reasons i even fucking do these is because; ironically enough; i have no friends to vent this to!! nobody who actually gives a shit!! and even if they did i have a lot more words and confused thoughts to write out here that would just be really mean to inflict on someone else. 

ok so, classically as a kid ive almost grown as an only child, obviously have a big bro of 7 yrs older that i never formed more of a bond to than the one we share by sharing a family. aka we barely talk. but like i know he doesnt hate me i guess? ok im not gonna go there. its a weird mess. but. all childhood was mostly me playin by myself bc our family friends had kids his age not mine, and we moved around a bunch too and people came in and out, i guess i made ‘best friends’ pretty easily, but none stuck around longer than a year maybe 2-3. bc thats how life was and as a child i guess it wasnt a bother bc hey, let me be friends with everyone! oh but protective parents also mean mostly on my own. thats cool. im totally mature to be sitting at the adults table (there was no kids table) well early at 6-7. mhmmm 

lemme return to finland and start being an early awkward preteen! oh ill be friends with everyone! oh. everyone already has their best friend or best friend group? oh i get left on the playground alone ‘playing the dog at home while they go shopping okay playground games were lame but whaddyou do’ aight cool im okay with this theyre all my friends and im gona draw you all to make friends and nobody like actually bullies me or thinks im weird i guess, anyway school work. oh okay ill make best friends w my neighbour bc were only 7 days apart in age and thats crazy!! i guess we also make friends with lil girls next door bc were 10- 12 and thats what u do. sure. i feel rather criticised by my so called bff bc. we are not on the same wavelength, i feel dumb, im never as funny even if they are hilarious to me, i do gross things w out thinking (imagine having to be told by your friend that you need to buy deodorant when you never thought abt it) and like a bunch of other stuff like not picking up on social cues they dont wanna hang out with me or they dont think looking at funny pictures on the phone is fun... oh okay i mean i guess theyre way better than me but were still friends right? uh yeah. 

okay lets take a gap and go to uk, oh wow, SHIT people actually miss me at home?? im making friends with all these kids in my neighbourhood! oh i can be like the movies where they go down the street and hang out and have movienights awesome! who this is the best! fucking halloween w other 13 yr olds?? having hobbies w them? walking to the bus together and home together?? mad. wild. friends. lets ignore the school consisting of pricks and the only time in my school career ive gotten bullied. like classic bullying. pens thrown at me, butt touched, skirt lifted, name called, teasing my ‘naivety’ (do you work at the dildo factory? haahah. are you frigid? would you have sex with me if i bought you a burger?) oh 13-14 yr olds....  ok no its a wild really good and really shit year combined into an okay year. let me just return home and promise to keep in touch and really very barely keep in touch with any of them. thanks instagram for enabling minimal contact and keeping up w each other. 

(also back then made my first post cryin to tumblr oh why cant i have tumblr besties like everyone else seems to, please someone be my internet buddy! lucky enough actually talked to Amelia a lot, though...... 14 yr old and abt 20 smth. but we played minecraft together and made two shit youtube videos of our competition participation like. you were a good friend to me. never pushed it too far and i really liked having a mature friend. such a shame you seem to have disappeared off the internet (anywehre i know how to reach you) bc hell, i would not have been opposed to meeting you finally irl at fuckin mcm like i always kinda wanted to bc i saw ppl online do, anyway i hope ur life is good and thanks) 

kay so, finally back home weve all moved past the best friend cliques okay okay my class is actually fuckin rad like whaddu you know i dont have to aggressively swear and avoid hugs anymore (self defence from that shitty year) but actually have all these wholesome friends, ofc there were stronger relationships between some people but! i was included. i felt good. it was good. i figured out this being everyones friend thing. im a proper teen now eh. oh but i still had my best friend (briefly moirail) maxx! talking everyday at least for least half an hour if not more, skype calls... watching movies together... sending shit to canada and that one mail i got from you and planning so hard a visit there, even if it felt unrealistic. maybe even spending too much time on you and not making as many connections to my class friends as i could have, u know. stuck on my phone to always be available to you. making you more important. dunno how often id talk thru a crisis in class or however late at night bc, i wanted to be there for you! i loved being needed and being an important piece in moving thru tough times. sure detrimental maybe irl but i was being too much online anyway which i still do but were not there yet. besides, that relationship has had a bit of a roller coaster in the past nearly4 yrs (is it more?) shit that started from an rp and then slowly talking more to being moirails to being the tightest best friends “momma” and all, to your irl friends breaking it up slowly, then a boyfriend really took oyur time and we didnt talk daily lt alone ever get to call bc... shit. okay but i was friends with your boyfriend and though i saw it wouldnt last i was okay with it, like right cool thats teh boyfriend and im the bestfriend. im still involved. yeah man. oh you broke up and now talk more to me! fuck yeah. ill take your side in this regardless. lets get close again even if its not quite the same. i try join your cosplay groups though i cant help feeling me joining killed them, and i followed some you were passionate on! drew all those rad characters of you and your friends to feel adequate and appreciated. then you ad your drama, hated this kid and i wasnt even rly involved. all of a sudden, tight friends, oh i get to be in a chat w you both and a rad other person i had a mild crush on! rad. hell yeah. ive never been in a groupchat like this! this is great i love it. and the vikings came up. and your new friend left bc i was a cis girl and he has problems and could not deal with me not agreeing with his shit argument. (about my countrys history!!)  anyway. they make their groupchat, groupchats die. oh. great i ruined it. okay. i no longer know whats in your life.... oh youre best friends now? i kind of have to bug you to even get added to your ‘friends page’ as dumb as it is. i get knocked right aside as hes the bff and the greatest sweetest person ever even though he still seems like a major dick and even your cool older friend agrees with me..... a load of bullshit and weve drawn apart to barely talking once a week and ive still sent you many gifts bc i think its great! until.  yeah i wasnt gonna send anymore till you promised to set me up with cosplay pieces for christmas and i freak out to send you smth in return (never got more than measurements from me, and due to shit timing i didnt even get to be there for you opening the presents which fuckin ruined it) but whats this? a year on im fucking coming to america and conviced my parents to also go to canada???? fucking insane. still we dont talk much, the plans werent like i expected but i met you and the cool older friend! amazing! it happened! youre real! i brought you more gifts and i got pictures with you and its, it doesnt feel real still. i keep the fucking bus ticket i took from toronto to guelph to remind me. sure i didnt like get much from you back and thats kay different monetary situations and all and yeah. wild. oh but we still barely talk after? no its ok i get it youre not that good with texting people anymore (even if you kept texting you bff while i was there.... like. maybe he was having a crisis i can understand but... please you barely talk to me anymore and now amazingly im there and. you still talk to him a lot. okay...)  ‘ew were not dating were just best friends!” a month later becomes ‘this is my boyfriend and bff i love him more than anything else in the world” ‘oh but hes absolutely a huge mean prick who is super self centered and manipulative,’ and i guess you needed to feel needed like i did and dedicated everything to this shitstorm of a human but. okay... weve drifted apart further, till i demanded thru to your discord (not even active anywhere else) and try damn hard to still talk to you. but its just not genuine. i wanna talk abt important shit to me and worries about myself, but life is difficult on you and i dont feel like you do the same to me so i cant. is it no longer part of our relationship? i guess) 

anyway chapter; who the fuck cares; why i feel i can open up to internet friends more than irl ones;;coming up, the other irl exploits after 9th grade. 

internet friends are based on talking over text and emotions that come up in the moment and contacting them whenever. with irl people, ive always set a sort of boundary that like. our quota of talking is irl. i might message you online but its strictly related to irl things or smth we discussed irl, u feel? even then i mostly never message anyone (thank the two friends in uni ive talked to more than anyone else) but still. theyre people i will unload burdens to IRL when im sitting with them for hours talking about our fucked up relationships with things and life and thats beautiful. but its not consistent through life? like rn all this shit. i cant just go and vent tto you (i guess i could but who knows if youre mad busy and needa be up early tomorrow or are already sleeping or have other shit on your mind, let alone would be offednede by me being so explicit abt me feelings w friendship u being my friend.) anyway, internet friends have broken that and sometimes i talk abt dumb shit ive seen that remind me of them or i wanna get a reaction from someone about and sometimes this bullshit. but more recently, (my discord has fuckin 3 ppl) i cant. i mean. idk if ever could and now theyre just being better w themselves but i cant? Ana tries being a friend and a good online friend but. i cant take it any deeper than like, look how cool this is! yeah that is cool bc theyre exhausted and dont wanna deal w others bullshit and dont want me to deal with theirs bc theyre online to avoid it. all of which i understand but. its kind of hard to deal with. like. youre currently only passionate about your gays in southpark. two things i dont care bout jack shit (actually hate south park idec) and then your response to me just like contemplating quizzes or the way i felt in the mirror at ballet or like smth that comes up to me when im talking abt normal shit, i get an ok, i dk how to respond or, i dont really care. and wildly i love the honesty, and glad to have lines drawn for me when i dont see them, but it always feels like a smack in the face regardless. having stepped out of line and not having realised and stopped before they had to tell me to stop. like it was w that old neighbour bff. i could never tell when she wanted me to leave her alone or smth bc i was having fun! but shed be tired of it and it just. always hurt realising i was too wrapped up in emotion and myself to realise i was annoying or overstepping boundaries and im still terribly self concious about it bc i feel terrible being a bad person like that! i wanna be the perfect friend.ugh. 

the other people on my discord are maxx and the cool older canadian dan, who still is rly cool and admirable. and i feel bad. bc when i first got the dumb thing i talked to him like adults! yea! talked abt maxx and a bit of college and a bit of life and like. it was good! he said good night friend <3 which is like!!! the most wild and exciting thing it fuckin exhilirates me to be called friend in converstion like please fuck validate me being your friend!!!! (god isnt that sad and basically gonna sum up this whole thing) anyway recently im sure things have been sad or busy or hes just that kinda person but my last 4? attempts for convo have gotten no response, even when hes online (supposedly when its ok to message him) and i no longer want to say anything unless its smth im sure id get a response to. bc then im just buggering and annoying the poor guy and become annoying. (even if hes said he doesnt mind and thinks im a great person. i hope) and maxx u know. i can message, and i do, and now more than in a rly long time i- oh my god i get responses!! still they cut short. theres no, hey sorry i dont care or, hey i gotta go, or hey i dont wanna talk abt this, just. no more responses. and i guess my conversational skills are rusty and i havent written anything thatd get an easy response from them! (but stilll, should talking to friends rly require you to formulate conversation starters and talk in a way that doesnt provoke too much but is just easy enough for them to respond briefly and with no investment to make talking to me easy as possible? idk even iguess? maybe im shit at having friends and thats why i have none. shush.)

okay lets head back to irl. high school was shitty weird thing, around 10 ppl in class and i only made friends w 3? got bullied for a good couple days on a trip by 1 and another class person. terrible trying to make friends and keep friendly with everyone in a tiny school but i managed and alls good, and even still, just made friends with the most compatible people, not sure if id have been friends with otherwise. one a nervous wreck of a boy that the teacher tried to like ‘ship us together with’ but while he had a girlfriend and we managed to keep conversation joking and chill (as it should be and i made good sure of it) it was fine, he still like i a very girlfriend oriented person and i guess doesnt chat much online w other girls? im cool with it, a couple snap updates on life here an there its whatever. youre an anxious person anyway and we dont always like. work as friends. another was from japan, who id decieded to make a friend if only to have a friend in japan to visit and to teach me a bit (and teach us to make food! okay im so glad we were friends) and at school it was great enough. helped her get confident in speaking english and correcting work and sitting together at lunch and hanging out outside of school on the rare occasion schedules lined up was fab! i actually am gonna miss her. even if we werent close. and i feel bad bc idk if she wants to keep in contact, and i really suppose i should just aim to write her like a text once a month or so to keep in touch thatd be good, cover that. keep up english and so on. maybe (ps old friends from childhood pop up every now and then on social media and have the rare chat which is quite nice actually! even if im not active or keep them updated, some realtionships i like to leave lukewarm and not hateful but smth thats easy to catch up with if opportunity comes up. i actually can do that quite a lot, make good conversation and feel friendly and make acquaintances. i just. have no idea how to push them to proper active friendships (it just happens sometimes by accident) and no absolute clue how to make htat into a very close “bff we share everything i can message you whenever” kinda relationship classic media like facebook portrays idk. do i need it? i guess not but i kinda wanna know what thats like bc relationships are not a thing for me. lets make that its own paragraph) oh but also on old school friends my frustration of a few days, just. a friend that is the easiest to keep in touch with bc they intitiate and have time and want to do things, but god its annoying and i dont like them. our humours dont align and i feel judged and criticised and like. idk. dont feel great w them. theres moments of like genuine “im glad i met you bc i would have switched schools otherwise” from her and a jar of reminders why were friends and some good memories, but its just. she drains me. and i dont wanna talk deep w her. and though to some other friend it seems like we are heckin dating in secret bc of how comfortable we are and how much we end up communicating to organise things, uhm were not. i wouldnt date her ever im sorry. struggling to stay friends and have it fade to the background amicably before i do or say smth wrong and fuck it up. anyway its just bugging me and i hate it bc i feel bad for her and bad for myself and its just a mess that i dont wanna deal with that mucheven if i talked my parents ear off about it.

ok intermission to parents. in a way no. no fuck they are not my friends. my mom will never be my best friend and i dont think they want that either,being classic parents and allbut i guess, sometimes when i get past the ugh youll never understand youre so god damn annoying!! teenage phase my brain still has, i do talk to them about a lot of things that upset me, bc unlike friends, they cant decide not to care about me or stop talking to me u know. i have vented about shit practices that have really tested my self worth and lack of emotions (remind sobbing like a bitch with a mud covered ass walking home from a terrible skating practice and falling in the rain) and mom comforting thru it. mind telling them all the pent up feelings abt flatmates and analysing them to her like”well shes rly nice and we talk abt this and this but i cant help but feel she doesnt really wanna talk to me and also they didnt wanna hang out and they keep leaving their dishes and told me to clean mine but they did this and that and....” i never talk about internet friends or a lot abt other things bc. not relevant and i dont think id hear what i wanna hear. but im kinda glad i still can do that and vent to them abt like real life things and things that upset me even if its not exhaustive and i cant do everything and they dont fill the gap of this “true best friend” i have emulated. but thats a point of why im not rly lonely. bc i have outlets to a lot of these needs that im not missing it all . just dont have it all in one person or even a small group of ppl.

wht next. oh remind me to come back to group things online. anyway lets give uni a try. so weve talked abt my two impressive friends irl who take the same course as me and kind of have dragged me thru and have gone to hobbies w me and hung out w me for hours and actually come to visist me in london an been cool? yeah theyre pretty rad people and very smart and im glad theyre in my life. even if w al the ranting im not comfortable messaging them all hours of the night to talk abt all my insecuritites and thoughts and problems u know. and one is dating and both have flatmate drama and other groups of friends and tho theyre friends between each other we dont like. make the ultimate trio which is why were not moving in together ( also reminder to being called the 3 musketeers w my high school two gals bc we were seein kinda doing everything together (in school) by me sticking us all together with my “i need to feel validated with friends” glue. that was quite nice.) 

but like in uni, ive said it to a lot of people. its amazing. ive never been happier knowing this many people. i dont make drama, i almost never get included in any drama so all i get are friends!!! and having flatmates, and flatmates friends, and class mates, and people ive just met , and hobby friends i just knew so many people thatd be friendly to me and even smile at me in passing it feels great man. having multiple group hobbies and socials to go to (even if i dont drink much and its not like were partying) it feels good man. i want more of this next term now that i have no”i dont know anyone there” excuses. god i love it. i love waving to people i know, i love getting a ride from someone to go hang out t another friends place and people knowing me by name and caring about my presence! (though not too much, like nobody would miss me i guess, but i still have more of a place to carve and i cant say for sure that they did not notice me missing) anyway archery has been terrbily wholesome and one of the best things ive invested time into and im sad some of the happy faces there are leaving this summer....... and sure none of these friends have gone even to proper hugging levels, let alone talking together without a group of people or god, messaging privately if not strictly club stuff (ok theres like, a couple, one that im delighted about and cant wait to hang w in finland even tho theyre cooler than me)  but u know, same problem w. hm were friends within this hobby group. were not like. actually friends outside of this and wouldnt hang outside of it. uh. yeah. dont rly have that many that kinda friends..... just 2 in fact. ill work on that.... 

side note, i try joining in online groups like mxrp discords, and an odd skype chat for homestuck cosplayers. but its kinda the worst. i dont mind observing and reading in and commenting in my head and rarely actually participating tho nobody knows who i am, but like. nobody knows who i am or cares if im there at all. and its kind of a not great feeling. im not needed or wanted here. they just dont mind me being there u know. idk wht to do with those feelings. i dont really wanna make myself obnoxiously present and make people remember and want to talk to me and actually become immersed in it, bc these dont seem like that great people idk. i guess im too  ‘mature’ to just go omg i love you an all that. 

anyway lets dive into hmmmmmm  why am i still lonely? funny question eh. its because i have no consistent close relationships with anyone. have i ever? maxx was closest but i guess nawh here we are. i can get close to u in a night of just talking for hours but. if it doesnt carry through consistently does it count? i have a couple people to message when im delighted abt smth (heck even post to snapchat to get those lukewarm friendships to be reminded of me) and i have my parents to be sad to about a certain category of things that i share w them (like hobby frustrations and friends theyve met frustrations, and some body upset) i have this hunk of friends in uni i can hang out and chill with and will continue making better friends with gladly. im not an isolated herrmit (all the time) nor do i think im socially despicable. im just. normal. online ive felt more and more as much as i spend my entire day online w all these things im not an internet person??im not always posting on social media, im not always talking to 10 ppl at once, im not writing or creating media, im not consuming other than youtube actually, (like i dont watch shows u knw) , all i do is rp when i muster the strength and hang out lukewarm on tumblr posting rants and reblogging pretty and fun things, not getting involved much. not a fan of anything, not obsessed w anything, not overtly gay ( i dont even know what i am but girls are pretty and sex and relationships get gross as soon as you add me into the picture) and not an exciting personality. hell. i currently fuckin like ballet and archery and like. thats about it. (also hahahhahh catch me going down the abc list of hobbies, aikido, archery, badminton (w archery ppl) ballet. what next. cricket? crochet... cooking? dance (ballet) fencing gaming (hah no), hockey? ice skating ( im already doing it) like look at me anyway shh) im not trans and i dont feel gay enough to fit in (what a rant that is, but im just ignoring it for now) im so boring. too reational, too uninvolved, too unopinionated/have an opinion but prefer to keep quiet and at peace. i guess this is what normal people are like off the internet. and ill just deal with it. but how normal people fill the gap are these ridiculously idealistic bff groups that i clearly dunno how to achieve, and uh. relationships.

so i can foresee a future where an imaginative foggy figure will care about me so much and want to hear all these rants and talk about all my wild thoughts with me and love me and remind me of it and be happy around me and think im funny and make me feel good and loved and better than i am and be someone i love being aorund constantly and wont have to feel self concious with or like i need to be putting on the front that is not gross and is a lovely sociable person. like i doubt they even exist. the kind im specifically thinking off thatll make life a sunset gold and unbelievably happy and good. ill save that sunset gold feeling to my dream future, one in which im happy with my body and personality and have that shadowy figure that makes me all whole and better than im alone and all these pets and animals that i love and love me and plants and color and art and whimsical decorations and yknow. i see it in my head. it feels real good. i kinda wanna see if itll actually happen. it just. it feels so fuzzy and warm and i would love for that actually be real and look back on this and be like. i have it. everythings complete. we can dream. i might get it when im grey and old and all alone but found smth that makes it that good. anyway im not discounting that there might be ‘the one’ in that future, the perfect one. but. i still doubt in the present when or if ill ever meet them let alone if i do htat anything would happen. ive never ever dated anyone or even come close to it. i dont understand how people just, end up in relationships or almost always have one, and i guess im not trying to bc idk if i want it-  idk if im ready for it, but its a weird one ill tell u. i feel with this perfect imaginary figures all these bad feelings would go away and i could talk about them and someone help me fix them and become more and better than my thoughts. but i dont wanna look for one. i dont wanna experiment in relationships so that im ready and wont fuck it up when the one comes bc, its horrendous and stressful and im gross! im not dating material. nah. and obviously nobodys tried to date me so were all on the same page. honestly once i sort out the other things wrong w me, i might just get to therapy for this shit. like. why are relationships such a shit concept to me and like why and how do i deal with it without just saying fuck it relationshipss are not for me. i have no doubt ill keep making connections and friends throughout my life in all different random places, but im actually... kinda afraid none will stick around. if i cant form consistent strong friendships theyre al gonna fade away and ill have nobody when i need someone. having that one solid person would really help bc theyre there thick and thin i guess aparently. i have myself, but considering what a mess i am idk if thats enough at all. i think i should change myself an awful lot though before a relationship could happen. like. nobody wants a barely showering fat chubby in an awkwardway terrible skinned messy sad blabbery person. like. just a gross one. i gotta become so much better before i can even consider letting someone past to get this close i guess. i guess. these feelings are really not settling here and i feel off the rocker. like unsettled and uneasy. also i need to pee which is rly not helping feel less gross. that and my hair is nasty greasy bc rather than take a shower at a reasonable time i did.... nothing. and then i started writing this an hour, two hours ago? more? idk. 

kay then, we have reflected briefly while i was away on how fat and ugly i am and how hopeless considering ive been trying to finish a knitting project for my baby cousin and start drawing again or even just playing my old pokemon game (yknow summer vacay) things in the past few days. nawh. havent. even more productively i should have done actual exercise to build my stamina and make faster improvements in ballet and actually try and tackle the fat and ugly feeling in 8 weeks (but that like... requires diet control... which is hard?) and like o u know. finishing my fucking university course ive lied to everyone abt? ok lets be real i have passed the year and can move into the next w the credits i have and passed all the mandatory classes. but. i want/ need to pass this class. and i already forked out 30 pounds hopefully correctly to apply for a resubmission (more like first submission) of all these projects and its hard. considering in my hirearchy of shit that needs to be done (easiest most necessary first)  i havent even reached the first ladder of like washing my nasty hair. the ladder includes all the above projects and at the end of it is like completing that course (needs to be done by the end of the month u kno bitchh. u dont know how long its gonna take you cannot leave it to the last few days. and this other bulshit course idk if ill even get credit for completing late and dont know if i care but i guess i gotta do it anyway 

basically i just wanna d ie. thatd be nice. id not have to feel fat and stupid and worthless and discomfrot in my own skin and just. nasty and numb but bad all over. okay im really not feeling great bout now. but thanks to all the above weve realised i have nobody to talk to whod talk me out of these feelings and comfort me (let alone if im capable as a person to accept that considering theyd have to be very convicing to get past me going “mhmmm but youre wrong” ) 

anyway this has been terribland i havent achieved anything but feelin kinda bad. we have covered that ive never had proper friendships and that might be detrimental to me ever forming the kind of close companionship i seem to be missing, however at least i can make easy friends briefly and as such know im not a terrible person thru and thru that people hate. i just dont know how to cross that nd not be horribly annoying or how to find those kind of people bc shit and bullshit. do i need it? no i guess ill be fine. would it make my life better and more worth it? probably. id hope so. i mean it seems pretty important in human existence for there to be so damn many songs and movies and aboslutely everything focused around it. 

anyway. i know nobodys gonna finish reading this and i kinda hope i dont read back on this either. my cringey diary moments hidden under a readmore on tumblr. whats sadder.... tsk who wants to figure out how many words this all is? 

mhmmmm mmm 7 pages on word and 6059 words. damn gurl. no FUCKIN WONDer nobody wants to talk to me about my thoughts and feelings when they just erupt. bc even by erupt i mean a mild discomfort that im trying to pin down to a cause and an actual feeling so and so unsuccessfully.