#so even when i was at my skinniest i felt like i was still obese

[hecckyeah]

someone please remind me that gaining weight is okay sometimes

[bi-dazai]

okay while we're on the subject of eating healthy and exercising, I want to vent/talk about weight loss. This is gonna be a rly controversial, very personal and extremely long post but I do want to make a point. I'm not going to discuss every fucking nuance of haes or my EDs. But for clarity, know that my eds are complicated and were mostly osfeds - minor anorexia osfed in high school and bed osfed when I was 18-19. after i realised how fat i was the minor anorexia came back and over the pandemic it became full scale anorexia nervosa.

I'm 5'3. The healthy weight range I should be in is in the high 40s-low 50s. I went up to TWICE that by the time I was just nineteen years old. It wasn't fun being fat. I consumed as much fat acceptance, fat activism content as I could, I pretended I was confident and happy even when I was fat. But I wasn't. Because people don't just get obese accidentally. A little overweight, yes. But obese? No. You get obese from depression, from giving up. You don't want to move so you don't. You're sad all the time, and the body positivity circles say eat comfort food, whatever and as much as it makes you feel better!! Do you know what that is? That's encouragement of BED. Do not say that. Because I did that. I ate sugar and junk food, I was still depressed.

I was reading these posts that were claiming fat people shouldn't be weighed at the doctor, that your weight shouldn't count, that BMI is incorrect and doesn't matter, etc etc. There were posts saying that they got "perfect bloodwork" (what even is that? I knew that was wrong, I've had chronic iron deficiency for a decade!) even though they were fat, so they had to be healthy, right? I got shown pictures of obese ballerinas and obese weightlifters blah blah blah. And I grew and grew, and I got to almost 85kg on the fast track to 100kg before reality smacked me in the face and I realised I was shortening my lifespan by decades.

Here's what it was like being obese!

- joint pain, constantly

- could barely walk anywhere without feeling out of breath

- couldn't find any fashionable, good quality clothes (plus size stores either carry unfashionable clothing, or fashionable but cheap quality clothing. I don't like to waste money on cheap clothes)

- more acne than I'd had in years

- oily skin

- more difficulty feeling "full"

- JOINT FUCKING PAIN

- rashes from skin rubbing against skin!

- even larger chest, making me MORE dysphoric

- back pain!!

- snoring - this is not just embarrassing. This is potentially deadly.

- DYSPHORIA

- KNEES. JOINT PAIN.

- DYSPHORIA

this was just things I felt physically, noticeably! The things that my fat was doing on the inside was even worse. Fat isn't just this layer of packing peanuts that appears on top of you. It coats your organs. It gets everywhere. It makes your entire body run worse.

Fat also makes it much more likely for you to not just GET cancer, but it it also makes it harder to FIGHT cancer. Being obese makes almost every single goddamn sickness on the planet worse because when you have THAT MUCH fat tissue the hormones and shit it secretes fucks EVERYTHING up.

Yes there are obese bodybuilders. Yes there are obese ballerinas. Let's talk about those two.

There are plenty of drs and dieticians who have pointed out the obvious - if an obese person was really, actually eating healthily and exercising every day, they would not stay obese forever. Its not magic, it's thermodynamics. CICO done right works for everyone. If you are eating healthy, appropriate portions for weight loss at your TDEE and exercising it would literally be IMPOSSIBLE for you not to lose weight!! Even more the heavier you are because when you exercise you carry around a lot more weight.

Obese weightlifters are still obese. They are not proof you can be obese and healthy. They are still going to die younger if they do not lose weight.

Let's talk about fat ballerinas. The only ones I've seen are trainee ballerinas, not professional ones. And their performance looks impressive at first, until you look closer. You notice their balance is never quite perfect, their control can be amazing and the best ever but they'll still be off. Why? Because fat moves around with your movement, and it displaces your balance and your line of movement. It's simply not possible to do something like ballet dancing as a fat person without risking major injury as well. En pointe is already stupid dangerous for the skinniest ballerina. Going en pointe at anything above 60kg is going to get progressively suckier the heavier you go. And god help your ankles because falling down will always end in a major injury.

I'm so fucking done with "fat acceptance". I'm tired of "body positivity" being a movement about obese middle-upper class white women and not about scars and disabilities etc like it was focused on in the start. I have no problems with Health at Every Size - every person should feel happy to workout, to eat healthy. I have no problem raising issue with people bullying others for their weight as well. That's wrong. But pretending that it's Healthy at Every Size is a fucking lie, and it's one that could've sentenced me to an early death. Healthy at Every Size said I was condemned to joint pain and oily skin and depression and exhaustion for the rest of my life based on cherrypicked sentences from studies that didn't agree with them. That "95% of diets fail" sentence in particular drives me up the wall. You don't need a diet to lose weight, you need healthy CICO, you need to eat below your TDEE, you need to eat healthy, and you need to exercise. All you have to do at first is go on a 10-20 minute walk, whatever pace you like, a few times a week.

You can BE fit, you CAN lose weight! You are not sentenced to having joint pain and an increased risk for cancer and a less effective COVID vaccine for life. You can change your body in incredibly ways. You have no idea what you are capable of.

There's this myth that weight loss takes keto and shakes and diet pills and crash diets etc. It doesn't. All it is is making sure you eat less than your TDEE, eating HEALTHY calories, and getting your heartrate up by exercising at least 175 minutes a week.

The human body is not meant to be obese. There's no such thing as a set point weight. There's CICO, there's nutrition, there's making sure your muscles dont atrophy. Weight loss and fitness isn't some magic thing that youre just born able to do. I was lazy throughout my entire teens. I thought fitness was something the popular girls did. It's not. It's for everyone. and everyone, especially in places with an obesity epidemic such as the US, UK, and Australia, should make use of it. It's a good thing. Walking is one of the best things you can do for your body, and it's incredibly rewarding in every way. Eating healthy and not eating until you feel like you're going to burst is rewarding in every way. And it's not like you can't ever have junk food again, you just have to limit it to a treat, a once or twice per week thing. And honestly, it makes it much more enjoyable that way.

Now I want to talk a little about my anorexia. My weight loss journey came to anorexia. This is because it was an eating disorder I'd had for a long time. I did not see a trainer or dietician, and I consciously decided to push myself too far. I consciously decide to eat less and exercise more when I am starving. This is not something that just happens because someone is eating at 1200cals. It happens because you have an eating disorder which you are born with. Saying people who eat 1200cals of healthy food a day and exercise right are "anorexic" is so fucking insulting to everyone involved. It's ableist and ignorant. 1200cals is also a pretty generous amount for anorexic ppl to eat. That's close to a binge in ED standards, so that should give you a reference for how offbase saying 1200cals is "anorexic" is.

My anorexia is healthy habits pushed into eating disorder territory. I eat healthy, yes, but I don't eat enough. I exercise, yes, but I often push myself too far when I'm already lacking energy. The advice I give people for health is correct, and I'm never going to go around saying "eat less than 1200cals" as weightloss advice. Eat less, sure, but there's a limit. Calorie counting is a good thing to do, tracking your macros and nutrients is good. But I do it too much.

I know what's healthy, a lot of ppl with restrictive and purgative EDs do. People with EDs can give some awesome health advice, we just can't follow it because we have a mental disorder. Believe it or not people with EDs discussing their EDs are not "pro-ana", pointing out that anorexia and people with anorexia are real and not some boogeyman you use to justify not losing weight and eating healthy is not pro-ana. Anorexia existing is not pro-ana and anorexics being anorexic has nothing to do with fatphobia.

this post is a rambling mess but i rly had to get some stuff clear on how I feel abt this stuff because it's getting concerning how much unhealthy shit, and then straight up ableist shit, that the fat acceptance crowd spews out.

A little exercise won't kill you, eating healthy won't kill you. You are not sentenced to ugly plus size fashion and joint pain and being out of breath for the rest of your life. Leave the Healthy at Every Size death cult and join the Health at Every Size movement. Let the doctor take your weight (it IS medically necessary). acknowledge that you are obese and it is affecting your health. It's scary but it can be the start of a new, healthy beginning. It was for me.

Losing 15kg has been the best thing in my life. Sure, the anorexia is there enjoying it for one reason. But the reason I truly enjoy it is because I've discovered what a healthier body feels like. I've discovered the joys of exercise, I've discovered the joys of eating healthy. I can fit nice clothes now. And I'm still overweight! I'm 66kg, that's 4kg away from the barest minimum acceptable healthy bmi. But I feel so so much better. I look better. I have a jawline! Good skin! Energy! It didn't fix me but it sure made me a hell of a lot better.

Please please try and eat healthy, eat an appropriate amount, go for walks. It's so so good, and if you do it right you WILL lose weight. You'll live past 50. You'll get to explore the world in a way you couldn't when going up stairs had you out of breath. You'll fit into that nice skirt you've been looking at. Your skin will clear up. You'll have energy and your mental health will improve.

It's so so fucking worth it to put effort into your health, like I cannot emphasise this enough. Please do it, I wish I could tell myself this when I was binging on junk because the FA crowd told me it was valid to comfort eat until I hurt.

[meangirlpolitics]

I wish more women publicly talked about their weight. I spent years and years with the idea that most women who looked a certain way all weighed the same amount, and since so many women treat discussions of weight as the absolute taboo, I never knew how much anyone weighed. I’ve been reading breast reduction forums recently, and it’s a place where women share their body stats casually because they’re just data relevant to a medical procedure, and it’s significantly changed my mindset about my body.

When I was in high school and a competitive athlete, I was 5’6 and weighed 145 pounds at my skinniest. At that weight, I had visible abs and a completely flat stomach, and I felt fat. BMI calculations said that I was at the top end of a healthy BMI, and I happened to have really, really skinny friends, so even though I knew that I was in good shape, even though my hip bones and lower ribs were visible, I felt like I just weighed too much. I couldn’t just forget about the number and focus on what I looked like or how strong I was; the number was there, and I hated it. When I gained fifteen pounds after high school, I was officially, according to BMI charts, overweight. I still didn’t carry any weight in my stomach or my face, I still wore a size eight in jeans - but that number convinced me that I must be too big. I was sure that “normal size women” were 135 pounds, like the BMI chart said I should be, so no matter how many people told me I looked good or hot or even skinny, I didn’t believe them. I thought the people I dated were lying to me to make me feel better about being fat.

When I was 21, I got very depressed and gained like 60 pounds. I was like a size 16 - not huge - and I still carried the weight very proportionately, so I didn’t look all that huge either, and people still treated me like I was attractive, but the number told me I was obese, so I told myself that the men who asked me out were just guys who would fuck anything with big tits and a fat ass. Some of them were nice, actually, and in retrospect I can see that they genuinely liked me - but I couldn’t imagine how anyone could REALLY be attracted to a fat girl. It didn’t matter that I was attracted to plenty of women who were probably the same size as me, because I was SURE they must have weighed less. I only had sex in the dark and I tried to never rest my weight on anyone.

In January of this year, I started trying to really get my life together, so I fully committed to veganism finally and I started working out. This caused me to lose weight, and in June I’d dropped about 50 lbs. I still thought I was fat, because the number still said I was fat, even though I felt like I looked really good. Then I saw a post by a woman who had a body that looked great (and once I thought about it, very similar to mine) and she said that she was 5’7 and 170 lbs. She wasn’t embarrassed about it. A bunch of other women were commenting, saying they had similar stats and hoped their reductions turned out similar, etc., and I started realizing that the YEARS I’d spent furious at myself for being incapable of weighing 130 lbs without looking emaciated had been fueled by this false perception that most women weighed significantly less than they really do. I started asking my friends how much they weighed, and the ones who told me were a) shocked by how much I weighed, leading me to believe that this is a widespread issue, and b) all weighed more than I would have guessed! All of us. We have this idea that women are supposed to be small and delicate, no matter what, so the 80% of us who are not built to be small and delicate hate ourselves for it and are so ashamed that we never talk about it, which perpetuates this completely stupid cycle of shame. I have very wide hips, thick, muscular thighs, and large breasts - why would I ever have thought that I should weigh the same as a woman with different sized BONES than me? I don’t know, but I did.

This isn’t a body positivity post. I don’t believe we need to or even should strive to LOVE our bodies, because they’re just bodies. I couldn’t even get to body neutrality, though, which is my goal, until I realized that I wasn’t freakishly huge. My warped perception of how much women weigh was holding me back from just living in my body for years and years, and I feel so free now, 25 pounds heavier than the weight that I thought made me fat when I was 17.

[nostalgiaispeace]

1849.

Have your parents ever tried to control your relationship? no

Have you ever had to give someone directions before? lol yeah.

Speaking of which, are you good at understanding driving directions? nope

How many people do you text daily? like 2 people

Do you have an iPod or an MP3 player? Which brand? i don’t

What was your favorite television show as a child? lizzie mcguire

Do you play any instruments? Which instruments do you play? nope

Is there anyone who you call by their last name? nope

What did you do on your last birthday? went to the movies

Which of the Seven Deadly Sins do you commit the most? sloth

Has anyone ever told you that you’re incapable of whispering? i don’t think so.

What is your least favorite subject in school? -

Have you ever been involved in a custody battle before? no

Do you know a couple who constantly sucks on each other’s face? umm no..

Who was the best kisser you’ve ever dated? my husband

When was the last time you watched a YouTube video? idk

Have you ever babysat a newborn baby before? no

How many times a week do you usually see the person you love? every day <3.

When was the last time you held someone’s hand? this morning

How many meals have you eaten today, so far? none

Do you think it’s stupid for people to call others “hot?” naw

Do you personally think Wikipedia is a reliable source? not really

Are you someone who listens to more girl or guy bands? male

Have you ever shopped at Wet Seal before? Did you like it? i think so

Do you care about spending money if it’s someone else’s money? i do

What is your favorite Disney movie of all time? lion king of course

When you were a child, did you ever want to become a wizard/witch? duh

What are the color of your walls? Do you want to repaint? white, yes

Would you rather have hardwood floors or carpet? hardwood

Do you have any siblings you neglect you? no

Who would you say is the most selfish person you know? idk

Who was the last person you yelled at? Why? idk

As a kid, did you ever go to camp? yes

What were the last three movies you watched in theaters? Knives Out...Joker....umm.....that’s all I can remember lol

Have you ever made out in a movie theater before? no

Are you currently trying to learn to play any instrument? nope

Do you believe in ghosts, spirits or demons? yeah

When was the last time you went somewhere you thought was haunted? idk

What is your favorite breakfast meal? pancakes

What does the lead singer of your favorite band look like? pretty

Who was the last person to compliment you? my husband

How old were you when you got to go on your first date? 18 i thikn

Would you call your parents over-protective or under-protective? over

Did your parents ever let you play in the pits of those multicolored balls? yeah

What is the best movie you’ve seen in the last five years? oh gosh...i legit can’t just pick one

Has anyone ever called you a good kisser before? idk

Have any of your siblings ever had a crush on your significant other? no

Are you the jealous type? yes

Does life ever seem overly ironic to you? no

When was the last time you felt like you were high on life? lol never

Do you know someone who cares about themselves more than their child? yes

Do you still watch cartoons on television? no

What do you usually order at Taco Bell, if you go there? crunch wrap

Is there anyone currently annoying you? naw

What’s your favorite hairstyle you’ve had so far? idk

Do you have freckles? a few

How many dogs do you have, if any at all? 0

Have you ever witnessed someone being beaten up? yeah

Do you think biting is weird or sexy? weird

Would you rather be called hot or beautiful? beautiful

Have you ever had a pet turtle before? yes

Do you still sleep with your parents when you’re scared sometimes? no

Have you ever met someone with two different color eyes? no

Have you ever felt like someone was following you? yes

How many surveys on average would you say you’ve done in your lifetime? idk

What color shirt are you wearing at the moment? mostly grey

Do you enjoy going school shopping? i did

Do you think Pug dogs are adorable or just plain ugly? ugly

Have you ever met someone who completely resembled their pet? no

Has anyone ever knitted you something before? sure

What was the worst substance you’ve spilled on yourself before? idk

Have you ever made out with more than one person in one night? no

What three words would describe the person you love? amazing, protective, ambitious

Do you think their is a soulmate out there for everyone? sure

Do you like short or long surveys the best? short

Do you think hairspray is more helpful or annoying? idk...i think it’s both

Have you ever bought fake money and tried to make it pass for real? no

Are your siblings nice the majority of the time? sure

How many uncles do you have? 3

What would you say is the worst movie you’ve ever seen? umm....not sure

Do you freak out when a thunderstorm comes along? yes

What is something you’d consider yourself obsessed with? harry potter

How often do you shower? i try to every day

Have you ever had to sell something for a school fundraiser? yeah

What is the absolute worst thing about high school? pretty much everything

How many sodas do you usually drink in one day? idk

What kind of cheese do you like the most? Pepper jack.

Have you ever met someone who was completely weird all-around? yeah

Have you ever met an annorexic pregnant woman? yes but wow....you shouldn’t ask this What is your favorite lyric of all time? i don’t really have one

Do you know someone who has made their Xbox their best friend basically? no

Do you ever watch any soap operas? naw

Have you ever met someone who was mean to everyone? yeah

If you had to get a tattoo, what would it be? harry potter sleeve

If you have any piercings, who did them? --

Do you usually have a low tolerance for pain or high tolerance? depends on the pain

Do you give into peer pressure easily? no

Have you ever simply looked at someone & could tell they were homosexual? naw. i’m really bad at that.

Do you have the ability to read someone without even knowing them? sometimes

Would you rather eat or sleep? sleep

Are you one of those die hard Twilight or Harry Potter fans? Harry Potter for sure

Have you ever cried while watching a movie trailor? yeah

When was the last time you changed your hairstyle? idk

Do your parents ever force you to talk to your grandparents? not that i recall

If you were a crayon, what color would you be? orange

Do you think long surveys are broing or entertaining? depends on my mood

Have you ever learned that someone had lied to you all along? yeah

When was the last time you had a physical injury? idk

Have you ever wanted to be a lawyer? when i was a kid

Have you ever had to bail someone out of jail before? no

Is there anyone in your imediate family who was adopted? no

Do you know anyone who doesn’t have any common sense? well yeah

When was the last time you bought something? yesterday

Do you think you look anything like your parents? a bit

Who is the skinniest person you know? Is it because of a disease? shut up wtf

Do you know someone who is discustingly obese who wears G-strings? wow

Do you know someone who insults themselves to get attention? no

Is this year the best one you’ve had so far? LOLOLOL no

What are your plans for this weekend? um nothing

What color is your significant other’s hair? brown

Have you ever applied for a job at Walmart before? um probably

Do you know anyone who does drugs currently? no

Would you ever become a foster parent? sure

Are you ashamed of anyone in your family? yes

What jobs do your parents have? i honestly don’t know what they do lol

Would rather talk to someone on a landline or a cell phone? cell

Have you ever had a Tumblr account? Are you devoted to it? lol obviously...and yes

Has anyone ever given you a psychiatric assessment? yes

If you got pregnant right now, would you abort the baby? no

Speaking of which, are you for or against abortion? i’m pro life

What is your favorite amusement park? universal

What was the best Christmas gift you’ve ever gotten? idk

Has anyone ever called you jealous of them before? probably

Did you ever have braces? yes

Who is your favorite actor or actress? Marilyn Monroe

What is the most important date in your life so far? my wedding

How many people your age do you know who are pregnant? i think one

What is cuter: kisses on the forehead of the cheek? both are cute

Do you believe in evolution or creation? i think you can believe in both fam

Would you rather take a bath or a shower? Why or why not? shower, i hate baths

What group would you say you’d normally fit into the most? idk..

As a child, what game did you want to play the most? life

Does it bother you when people touch your personal items? sometimes

When was the last time you did something sexual? that’s private

Where was the last place you went on vacation? idk

Do you collect anything? What? yeah, harry potter merch

What kind of Pringles do you like the most? original

Are you better at hand-drawing things or painting? neither

Have either of your parents ever called you a failure before? not that i know of

What do you think is the grossest taste in the world? i dunno

[thin-is-pretty621-blog]

Dear Ana,

Dear diary,

Today people at school made fun of me for being fat. They claimed I have a muffin top and giant thighs. But it gets me confused because my doctor says I am a little bit under weight and I should gain about 7 pounds. But I guess my doctor is wrong and the bullies are right.

Dear diary, today is the first day of summer and I am excited to be going into the 4th grade this year. My mom is going to take me to the beach today. Because of what those bullies said to me, I stopped wearing bikinis and started to eat less. I hope if I lose some weight the bullying will stop.

Dear diary,

I have not written in you in a while. A whole lot has changed. I am now in the 5th grade and since I started 4th grade, the bullying did not stop. In fact, it got worse. I guess I am just not good enough. I have cut about 250 calories from my diet. I hope that is enough to be pretty.

Dear diary,

I went to the doctors again and my doctor says that I am 11 pounds under weight. In my eyes I see that as not good enough.

Dear diary,

I am going into the 6th grade now and I just had my 12th birthday a few weeks ago. Because I am now cutting 300 calories out of my diet, I didn’t eat any cake. I told my mom I would eat some later. To make it look like I ate a slice, I cut a slice and threw it away. I now also weigh my self every day to make sure my diet is working. When I weighed myself this morning, I was horrified. Some how I had gained 5 pounds! It might have been because I binged ate the past few days. I need to stop binge eating or I won’t be pretty.

Dear diary,

I had my 13 birthday and I also had a doctors appointment the following day. Since last time I was 11 pounds under weight, this time I am 17. The doctors diagnosed me with anarexia. Could I possibly have it? I could but I don’t think I am skinny enough to have Ana.

Dear diary,

We had to run the mile today in gym so when I put up my hair, a whole bunch of my hair fell out. It shocked me so hard that I nearly fainted. My hair is the only good feature on me. Also when we ran, about 10 minutes into running, I passed out. Other kids were saying it was because I am fat and my body couldn’t take the weight of my stomach and thighs. I don’t want to be known for being fat! I need to eat less now.

Dear diary,

I am now 15 and I had gained 8 pounds because of my stupid doctor and parents. But jokes on them! The medication they gave me is to help me gradually gain weight. But I haven’t been taking them🙊. I have been secretly throwing them away because they are in my way of helping me become beautiful.

Dear diary,

A few months had passed and I am no longer able to participate in gym because of my weight. Others are saying it is because I am too obese to participate. But I lost the 8 pounds I had gained. I guess that wasn’t good enough.

Dear diary,

My friend were having a sleepover party and I planned on going. But the day of it, I had no engery and I could barley walk. This sucks because I was really looking forward to going. I guess this is all of my Ana’s falt. But I see it as Ana helping me because beautiful. And once when I do, I will finally be noticed by my crush!

Dear diary,

I asked my crush out yesterday. He broke my heart and said no. The reason was because I looked like a skeleton and he didn’t want to be seen with a skeleton. I felt so terrible I just wanted to binge eat my feelings but Ana didn’t let me. Ana told me to just drink water for the rest of the day to substitute my binges.

Dear diary,

I am now in the hospital because I passed out and wouldn’t wake up this morning. I am awake now though. The doctor told me it was because I was severely under weight and I was dying. And that if they tried to get me to eat more, I would die still because my body was used to eating 200 calories a day and I would have to eat 500 to start making a recovery. They said if I eat 500 calories a day starting today, my body will get over whelmed and shut down. I was already half dead when I came here and ant efforts to help me live are lost. I Have less than a day left to live thank you Ana.

Dear Ana,

Thank you for sticking with me throughout these years. You have made a huge difference in my life and I want you to know that. My dress size was lower that a 0 and in fact, the 0 was big on me. I felt like I was the prettiest and skinniest girl in that shop when I found that out. I want to thank you for making me go almost bald, depriving me from hanging out with my friends and even letting me down when my crush rejected me because I was too skinny. When I realized I was fat, you where there to confort me and gave me a second option to turn my self around and I want to thank you for that. Thank you for making me pretty!

-the girl who you killed

[christinalcheng]

What did you do to your hair?

Ever since I was in 3rd grade, I was told that I needed to “suck in my tummy.” Why? “Because no one needs to see it.” But it’s so tiring and I don’t want to always be thinking about sucking it in. 

10 years later, no one has to say anything. I don’t have to say anything, I just do it. No questions asked. No conscious thoughts run through my mind. It is sucked in, tucked away, so “no one has to see it.” 

Even when I was at my skinniest, under 100 lbs and over 5 ft tall, I still thought I was fat. Everyone around me would tell me that I lost so much weight, but I couldn’t see it. I still kept comparing myself to my friends who were twigs. I had a thigh gap, but when I sat down, I swear my thighs expanded to triple the size they were when I was standing. But I swear, every time body image would come up at my church, every time my skinny friend would say that she’s fat, every time people talked about their insecurities concerning physical appearances, I would tune out because that wasn’t my problem. It wasn’t my issue. I didn’t care how I looked, what matters is what’s inside, my personality, my soul, right? 

But every year, I would gain weight and keep being told that I need to lose it. Every year, something hard would happen and I wouldn’t have enough time or energy to stress over how I looked. I was still swimming at the time, so I was healthy, right? 

All throughout high school, I would stare at girls’ torsos and wonder how their organs could fit inside such a narrow space. I wondered how it was possible for abs to be visible on someone’s stomach. I knew I had muscles somewhere on my abdomen, but there was always that protective layer of fat. I was told that I was strong, intimidating, like I looked like I could beat someone up. 

I never complained that I was fat or overweight. I didn’t have to. Someone else would chime in about my weight. But I was eating pretty healthy, if healthy includes 3 cups of sugary caramel iced coffee a day to give me energy and life, to distract me from what was happening at home, to give me motivation to get through school and emotionally draining relationships. 

Everyone kept saying that I would get diabetes. Every month, I did google searches on the symptoms of diabetes. I was always tired, gaining weight, always thirsty, but that was probably due to all of the sugar, not diabetes. 

Eventually I went to college, and Freshman 15 turned into Freshman 30. I came home and did a physical in Spring Quarter, and my doctor was concerned with my weight and asked me if I was depressed. I told her I wasn’t and that I actually really enjoyed college. At the same time, that year was the year I broke some serious emotional and relational ties with this person. It was also the year that I was able to escape home life, only realizing that it would catch up to me and pile on top of me all at once. That was the year that I wasn’t me for a while and learned how to be me again, independent of someone else telling me what to do. That was the year in which it was acceptable to eat whole pints of ice cream in a sitting, to go on midnight boba runs to Sharetea, to consume 911′s from Dutch Bro’s, to not sleep until the sound of birds chirping outside creeps in, to eat plates of late night cookies and pizza with salad on top. 

Sophomore year was a blur. I maintained the weight I was at during the end of freshman year, fluctuating every now and then, but remaining the same. And then this past summer, I probably lost a few pounds, but am ultimately the same as I was. Except, pretty sure I’ve lost muscle and replaced it and then some with fat. 

I want to seem capable. I used to love hiking, but inclines have become my worst enemy. Davis has coddled me to only knowing how to stand and navigate on flat terrain. Exercise gives me a rush. I just don’t do it enough. 

But I never cared about my weight previously, and if my mother were present, I would continue to act like I don’t care because it’s easier to seem like I don’t care instead of crying every time her comments pierce me. 

So why am I even writing this? 

A couple of days ago, I was studying for my Nutrition exam, and I came across information on obesity, weight gain, and how to measure and check if you’re in a healthy range. I was curious, so I measured my BMI and the results came out that I was obese. 

I’ve looked at myself in the mirror and the word “obese” has never passed through my mind. I’ve always put that label for others, not myself. When I look in the mirror, I don’t like what I see, but I also wouldn’t categorize myself as obese. 

And I felt shame, deep shame when I found myself in that category. How have I not been taking better care of myself? How did I let myself get here? I felt this dirty, crawling sensation on the back of my neck. I wanted to scrub it out but it was just under my skin. And then I felt this strong urge to change. But it was 2 AM and I probably should have just gone to sleep. So I did. 

But every time I feel a strong desire to change, another desire comes along with it, and that’s the desire to cut my hair. There’s something so freeing about seeing hair fall, about having the length be shortened. It’s  a risk, but the consequences are temporary because hair grows back. 

So the next day, I came home, grabbed the kitchen shears and cut half of my hair. But then I had a meetup, so I left it unfinished, asymmetrical, imbalanced. 

But that’s what I am right now: imbalanced. And until I make serious changes to my lifestyle and lose some weight, then my life will be imbalanced. So as a reminder to myself about the imbalance between my health and other areas of my life, I will leave one side cut, and the other side as it was before. Once I reach a milestone in my health journey, I’ll cut the other side to match the shorter side. 

Until then, a goal that I have is to establish healthier relationships- with friends, with my family, with academics and ministry, with food and ultimately with myself and my body. 

[dearweightlossdiary-blog1]

Why I Want (Need) to Lose Weight

Summer is coming up, and that's when I really can pick up my pace and work hard towards my goal. I mentioned it in a previous daily post, but it's always good to keep reflecting back on what my goals really are.

1) Reach previous weight of 55kg or 50kg I've slightly altered this goal. I still want to be around 50~55kg, but I'm also planning to factor in body fat. My ultimate long, long term goal is something around 10~12% body fat - I'd really like abs, or at least the 'elevens' on my stomach. 

2) Reach healthy BMI I'm on track for this goal. I remember weighing myself at my heaviest and calculating my BMI, and was super shocked to find that I was almost considered obese. I never thought I would see myself getting to that extreme point of self destruction, and in some ways I'm glad that I managed to find the motivation to push myself away from that point. 

3) Feel less social anxiety/ Feel more confident I don't know if I'm on track for this goal or not. Sometimes, I find myself being able to walk around town without a care for what people think or say. Other times, every look in my direction makes me want to cover up every inch of my body and curl up and disappear. Fluctuations happen, but I want to be able to feel confident majority of the time. I'll work harder towards this goal.

My biggest fear for this weight loss journey is that I won't be better off in the end. I won't feel happier or more confident. I've read posts about how people felt like losing weight would make their lives better and happier, but that isn't the case. I know that losing weight isn't the only thing I need to do in order to make my future better. I need to maintain good grades, establish and maintain social circles, and all that extra stuff. But I want to start off with weight loss. How can I learn to better myself if I can't even find the willpower to love myself first?

Right now, I don't feel good about myself. I suck my stomach in every time that thought crosses my mind, which is plenty in one day. I adjust my clothes every time I sit down in an attempt to cover my muffin top, and I strictly avoid wearing tight/perfect fitting clothes in public in fear that it'll outline and emphasize all my fat curves. I don't want to have to be so caught up with weight all the time. I want to be able to sit on the bus, listen to my music, and keep my mind off how my body looks sitting down. I want to be able to sit in class and focus on learning, instead of fearing what others around may think about me.

So, here is it. This is why I want, or need, to lose weight.

1) To distract myself

Right now, I'm struggling with a lot of things. I worry that I might not get into law school. I worry that I still won't make any friends. I worry that I won't get a job. I worry I'll get diabetes. I'm worrying so god damn much to the point where I'm worrying about worrying so much. I want to lose weight to distract myself - to keep my mind occupied with gyming and eating well instead of all the other stuff happening in life right now

2) To love myself

I don't like myself right now. I don't like the way I look or feel, and I don't like what I've voluntarily done to my body and self esteem. I want to learn to love myself and love life again. I think losing weight, or at least the journey itself, will help me achieve this. I've always placed a lot of importance on appearance. I hate appearing awkward or unprepared or just in general imperfect. Hypocritical of me, though. I adore the idea of perfection, yet I'm the complete antithesis of that word. I feel disgusting when I'm in public when my nails aren't done, when my hair isn't silky smooth, when my clothes aren't good looking and all that jazz. Funnily enough, that feeling doesn't transition to my weight. I should feel disgusted with myself in terms of how far I've let myself fall, but I keep lying to myself and focusing on the non-important crap like my nails and clothes. No matter how many accessories I throw on myself, they can't cover up my weight or fat. I feel like if I manage to reach my ideal image of myself - if I can ever achieve that image, or even know that image, that is - I'll be a lot happier. But what if I'm not? I'm scared - but the benefits of losing weight outweigh that by far.

3) To love others

An extension of the previous point, I think I'll learn to love others once I learn to start loving myself. Right now, I can't even think of establishing meaningful relationships with others. I have too much self-doubt. Every time someone talks to me, my first reaction is "what do they think of me?" Then that's followed by "why are they even talking to me?", "why do they want to talk to me?" "oh god they must be doing this because they have to" "they're doing this because it's funny to ridicule me." Even if someone did try to establish a meaningful relationship with me - regardless of it being platonic or romantic - my self doubt would push them away straight away. I don't have the capacity to love anyone right now. I simply can't bring myself to believe them beyond this wall of self doubt I've built around myself. I think once I stop doubting their intentions, at least with reference to my weight and size and looks, I'll be able to open up a little bit more.

4) To live a better life

Losing weight, particularly when starting at where I started, is good. Doing it the good way - eating healthier, exercising more - is even better. Starting this weight loss journey has made my life a lot more exciting, but also hard. It's fun going to the gym, but it's hard when your muscles are hurting and you feel like you're not making any progress. It's fun realising what you can eat a lot of, but it's hard realising that pretty much everything you enjoyed eating before (looking at you, chocolate cake) is bad for you. I don't want to end up like my dad - overweight with diabetes, suffering a heart attack at a fairly young age. I want to be healthy.

5) To have fun

A little less serious than the previous points, but still worth mentioning nonetheless. I want to have fun. I love the idea of cosplaying - I did it one year, the year where I was at my skinniest. It was really fun, portraying a character that you love and taking photos with other people at expos. I want to do that again - I want to have the confidence to do that again. I love the recognition and I love the attention. I want to join a club at university and have fun again. I enjoyed the few weeks of the Japanese chatting club I went to when I was still riding off the "university = new stage in life = everything is great because university is where you truly make friends" high (obviously, this didn't last long). I like people. I know it doesn't seem that way, and sometimes I question myself too. But I really companionship. I hate being alone. I want to change that.

I have plenty of other wishes and desires and wants, but the realisation that this post has become sappy and dramatic and emotional has just hit me and I can't bring myself to write anymore. I hate how I'm the most motivated at night time, since all that motivation evaporates when I sleep and I wake up wanting to do nothing more than embrace my bed for another three hours.

On a closing note, I both like and dislike how much other people's opinions matter to me. I like the fact that it makes me strive to become better, but I hate how it's that which motivates me and not something else. I still think of posting a before and after picture on social media, with another typed up essay revealing my emotions and journey attached, and even attaching the link to this blog along with it. I crave recognition from my peers - even those I'm only friends on social media with because neither of us could be bothered to unfriend one another. I don't even talk to these people. But I want people to think - to know - that I have my crap together. I want people to know what I've been through and that I've managed to overcome it. I want to be able to inspire. But can I do it? For such a shallow reason? We'll see.

[speedysummaries-blog]

Beautiful

Since I started my job working at a small bakery about a month and a half ago, I’ve gained nearly 10 lbs, and I’ve gotta tell you; I’ve never looked better.

To start off with, I am a woman that stands at 5′3″, and I’ve always been naturally skinny. Not lanky, just a sort of curvy-skinny

Last fall I was in a musical (nearly constant dancing and movement) and had just started dating a guy that turned out to be a terrible human being (between the musical and dates I felt I had no time to eat), and long story short, I lost 12 lbs in a month without trying.

Over the next couple of months I started to eat again, but only about 2 meals a day, so it took at least 6 months to gain back the weight I had lost.

At the end of April I got my current job (that I love love love love love) working in a small bakery that sells mostly sweet rolls and soup. When I’m working I can eat whatever I want (within reason), and so I generally have some soup and a cookie and maybe a breadstick or two during work, and then I take a sandwich home with me for dinner and maybe a sweet roll or something for breakfast the next morning.

Since summer began, I’ve also started eating 3 full meals a day since I finally have time, and there’s no stress to distract me from my fundamental human needs.

So, I’ve gained somewhere around 10 lbs since I started my job just 6 weeks ago. My pants are back to fitting without a belt, and I’ve had to loosen my bra an extra hook than I normally would. I’ve got a little more pudge around the middle than I did before, and my oh-so-womanly hips are finally starting to show. People have even “politely” commented on my weight gain; namely my mother.

But, despite the media portraying skinny as “perfect”, I feel and look better than I ever had. There is color in my cheeks, my larger-than-average chest doesn’t look so out of proportion, I actually have something one might call a “butt”, and I feel happy, confident, and more than anything, healthy.

Now, I’m not saying I’m obese or fat; in fact, I’m a very long way off. However, people (my mother) have told me that gaining so much weight in such a short period of time (relative to myself in the past) isn’t healthy, and that I should watch myself.

But I’m don’t have an eating disorder (anymore), and I’m not eating a lot because I’m sad or depressed or feel I’m too skinny, or anything like that. Yes, I like to eat, but I still make sure I’m eating just enough without going completely overboard. No matter what other people tell me, I feel at peak.

The point is that I am beautiful the way I am. No, I am not the skinniest or the prettiest or the smartest or the healthiest girl out there, but I am beautiful. No one can ever change my mind on that subject.