#i lost a ton of weight in 2020

[hecckyeah]

.

[chunkierboi]

This may not be my bussines but I'd like to know how did you decided to become a hot looking gympig from a hot looking gymrat?

Also congratulations on your new apartment

I’ve always been into getting fat, but I’ve always been skinny. It was not long after getting into the gym myself and discovering how much I liked working out that I started to think about pursuing being fat.

I think the gym, as backwards it might sound, is what gave me the confidence to get big. I will not lie when I first gained 30 lbs I thought I was so fat and lost it. I cut back down to having abs, weighing only 130 ish lbs.

After that, it was 2020 and Covid/lockdown pulled me away from the opportunities to work out or be active. All I had was work and plenty of time of self reflecting. I decided to get fat again, and just fat, so I was gained like 50 lbs, eating super unhealthy fast food. I became pre-diabetic and didn’t feel good, fortunately, this was after the gyms had reopened and I could start working out again.

My doctor didn’t encourage me to lose any weight, he only encouraged I keep working out in the gym and checking up with him every 6 months.

Since then, I decided to not only just be obese, but I wanted to be more healthy about it. I try to not over do it in carbs and sugar, I try to get more calories by eating tons of healthier food, drink more water, and work out hard in the gym. I also learned how to train myself to eat tons and tons of food, so I can eat loads of calories form loads of healthy food.

& I now I’ve grown bigger than ever, 80+ lbs fatter and healthier. This direction for me, also has made me so much more confident and happy with myself. I feel more like me the bigger I get and it is the best feeling ever.

[absolutebl]

hi!! i got into bl in 2020 and watched just abt all of them i could get my hands on back then, but i’ve slowly stopped watching them over the last couple years. i loved the feeling watching them gave me, tho, so i wanna get back into it!

my favorites are to my star, semantic error, 2gether, we best love, and tale of thousand stars! i don’t mind high intensity (like physical stuff) but i definitely don’t need it to enjoy a story! if you don’t mind, can you recommend me some newer bls (or gls!) i might like? i’d appreciate it a ton!!! 💕

my favorites are:

to my star,

semantic error,

2gether,

we best love,

tale of thousand stars

I would call all these pretty classic romance BLs. This mostly jives with my own taste so I'll pull some of my favorites for you.

Did you make it to Old Fashion Cupcake?

If not just GO WATCH THAT.

Otherwise...

2023 High Romance BLs to suck you back into the fold

Our Dating Sim (Korea Viki)

If you haven't watched this, it's a must. I actually handed out a 10/10. I NEVER do that. It's a perfect short form KBL, an office set reunion romance featuring geeks that really suits 8 eps with no fluff and no chaff. Just comforting and yummy. I adored every aspect from the casting to the pristinely simple premise to the quietly smooth execution. Sure it’s low stakes, but that makes it high domesticity and extremely warm and gentle. This is a fuzzy blanket of a story - a cozy BL.

From your list this one is most tonally similar to we best love

Love Tractor (Korea iQIYI)

Most of this country-set BL had me feral for the beautiful broken city boy and his hot young farmer. Hyung romance, puppy/cat pairing, open frankness meets jaded reserve, language play, water hose frolicking, only one bed, just all my favorite tropes. This show was basically a light-weight Restart After Come Back Home and I’m not even slightly mad about that.

From your list this is most tonally similar to semantic error

My School President (Thai YouTube)

GMMTV gave us a classic high school set Thai BL with tropes like messy boys singing their feelings that made this one Love Sick for the modern age with all the gentle sweetness and pining ache, but none of the dated damaging tropes or issues. Yes, we’ve seen it all before, but I still ADORED this. And there is a lot to be said for the classics being re-executed perfectly. This show was fantastic, it’s only flaw was the singing (and that’s my baggage). My favourite GMMTV BL offering to date. And yes, I've watched them ALL.

From your list this is most tonally similar to 2gether.

Our Dining Table AKA Bokura no Shokutaku (Japan Gaga)

Lonely salaryman and talented cook (Inukai Atsuhiro - Absolute BL et al) gets accidentally adopted by a college kid and his little brother. I was always gonna love the show if they stuck to the manga (which is very dear to my heart). And they did, paralleling it almost exactly. It’s a quiet & cozy little parable of found family alleviating loneliness. Possibly too slow for some but definitely high up there for me with the best of what Japan can do. It’s only flaw (if I dare say such a thing) is that it is not really “romantic.” Lovely & sweet but the romance beats are being used to build a family relationship, not couple intimacy, it’s OK with me, but not totally BL.

From your list this on is most tonally similar to ... erm ... none, this is a new creature. Might not work for you.

The New Employee (Korea Viki)

So good, SO QUEER, so soft, a near pitch perfect office BL with conflict derived from that setting. Also found family and a lesbian bestie. Sweet & innocent (and out) Seung Hyun scores the office internship of his dreams. On his first day at work he gets into it with his cool reserved (and also v gay) boss. As you do. Frankly? This is what I wanted from this new crop of office set KBLs ALL ALONG.

From your list this is most tonally similar to we best love

Unintentional Love Story (Korea iQIYI)

A boy who just lost his job due to faked corruption charges accidentally discovers his ex-boss's favorite artist, now a recluse. Evil manager offers him his job back if he can convince the artist to rejoin society. Instead, they fall in love. I found the artist character a bit stiff and reserved but Gongchan (maknae of B1A4) is a fucking GIFT as the harried salaryman - he carried this show (which I do not expect from the idol). He was luminous with extraordinarily expressive eyes, just drown in the emoting abyss. The external conflict, social tension and pressure is complex and beautifully executed, plus Korea gave us legit side dishes (NOT a love triangle, hally-fucking-luya).

From your list this is most tonally similar to tale of thousand stars

The Eighth Sense (Korea Viki)

One of the longest BLs Korea has given us and it feels more atmospheric gay coming of age romance than strictly BL. It’s got a bit of an age gap, country boy/city boy, stellar acting, complex characters, and leads with great chemistry and tension. It’s a bit chewy and sticky and less perfect than most KBLs (do I detect a touch of Taiwan?) This one deployed BL tropes (messy eater, shoulder sleep, protective seme, there’s even some hyung-slinging) but front loaded them with painful backstory and tons angst drives the 2nd half. This isn’t in the KBL bubble, there’s sharp edges and lots of triggers. For a BL the darkness of the content left me feeling unsettled (which is the only reason it didn't get a perfect score) but it does have a glorious ending and is HUGELY romantic, that counts for a lot.

From your list this is most tonally similar to to my star 1 & 2. But it's quite heavy so... make sure you're int the right mood.

[buckttommy]

i love ryan but i’m newer to fandom (joined during the s5 mid season hiatus) and i’ve always vaguely heard about The Incident but have never been able to figure out what actually happened?? other than it was something that got him labelled racist and if you like him you’re therefore racist too. you don’t have to explain what happened if you’re not comfortable w it but i’m very curious and i support him but idk how to defend that choice without knowing what actually happened, you know?

Hi anon! I'm glad you asked. Not a lot of people know the context surrounding The Incident and I'm tired of people's ignorance. Enough is enough. This is long, but stay with me.

In May 2020, one of Ryan's followers at the time went through his partner, Chrysti Ane's, twitter account and found an instance from 2011 in which she used the n-word. Considering this was only days after George Floyd was murdered (or might have even been the same day; I can't find the tweets that incited the incident) and tensions were already extremely heightened, this discovery blew up in a massive way.

Days later (May 31, 2020), Chrysti Ane wrote this statement and posted it on Twitter:

[img. i.d.: As these recent events unfold, so do heightened state of emotions. My family and I have been accused of being racists for the past few days and I think it's past time for me to address quite a few things. This all started when one of my partner's followers dug up a few of my tweets from 2011 (9 years ago) that used the n-word. I will not justify using that word, but I will explain myself. At the time I was dating someone of African-American decent [sic] and started diving deeper into the culture; I made tons of black friends, listened to music that used slurs, watched black comedians that freely used the word, and I felt accepted by the black community. At the time, none of my friends found it offensive, but I must say I also didn't fully comprehend the WEIGHT of the word. I didn't comprehend the history, the struggles, the oppression. I was a 16 year old girl in high school trying to find my place and figure out who I was. I am not a woman with my own family, a child, and a partner. I am NOT the same girl I was almost 10 years ago, I encourage you to look back at where you were 9 years ago and think to yourself "am I the same person?" That being said, this is my formal apology for those tweets and who they have offended. We must hold people accountable for things that [sic] have said or done and I am glad this has been called out and I can show that 16 year old girl isn't the woman I am today. I can tell you honestly I have grown immensely. My respect for the black community is massive. What they have endured, what they have overcome, and what they CONTINUE to go through on a daily basis has opened my eyes and my heart. I will continue to use my platform, as I have been, to do good. I have donated, tweeted links, and spoken my peace on the matter. I have stood up for the black community and will continue to do so. Now I'd like to address a different matter - blocking certain accounts. After those tweets resurfaced, I experienced hate tweets, hate accounts, memes with my image and my partners, name calling, and worst of all foul names about my son. After responding to a tweet saying something among [sic] the lines of "I have many black friends and I couldn't fathom seeing such a thing [as George Floyd]" one of the accounts that had previously been a part of the "hate tweets" had told me I made her "uncomfortable" because it seemed as though if I didn't have black friends I wouldn't care. I responded addressing her previous online bullying and proceeded to get hate. To that I must say, I have repeatedly attempted to turn focus to what's important-EQUALITY/HUMANITY. It seems as though everything that is said nowadays is dissected and the overall message gets lost. If you don't speak or use your platform, you're "racist" or "choosing the side of the oppressor" or "part of the problem" but if you DO say something without articulating yourself CRYSTAL clear with no room for interpretation you're "racist" or "making people uncomfortable" or "part of the problem." I simply want to use my voice for good. I want to help. I want to do my best to let the black community be heard and RESPECTED. Let's all be part of the solution and create proper change in this country so everyone can experience what America is supposed to be an stand for.

The same day (May 31, 2020), Ryan hopped on Instagram Live and addressed both Chrysti Ane's use of the n-word and his own silence over several days. [Full transcription here] I strongly encourage everyone to read the entire transcript, but for those who don't want to, most of his Instagram live was about his support for the black community. During his livestream, Ryan:

Highlighted the black community as being instrumental to his growth and development as a human being

[img. i.d.: "I love my black brothers and sisters. In fact, a lot of them have shaped me into the person I am today. I'm very thankful for their input, their insight and their culture 'cause [they are] as proud of their culture as I am of mine. And the great thing about America is we get to combine those cultures. Black lives definitely matter and they should resonate -- they are the reason that America is so great.]

Called out the racists who followed him specifically:

[img. i.d.: "If you are a racist and you're following me or you think that this whole Black Lives Matter is out of proportion or anything, get the hell of [sic - off] my Instagram, get the hell of [sic - off] my Twitter. I don't need you. That's not the America I want to live in. I'm a biracial man. I gotta accept more than one race anyways. So anybody that follows me needs to be part of the solution rather than the problem. And of top of that, this is a human rights issue."]

Highlighted the realities of systemic racism and the black experience

[img. i.d.: Our black brothers and sisters, who are human beings, are being mistreated by systemic racism. That racism has allowed white people to just hurt our own kind, our own humans. That sh*t, I can't stand for. And now how I see all this changing is not overnight. It's by each individual making that choice to stand up to the next individual who is next to him who is being racist or being ignorant or being naive. I can't even imagine what it would be like to talk to my son and tell him people are gonna look at him worse because of his skin colour. That sh*t hits deep. It hits hard, and not because some of my friends are black -- that has nothing to do with me, this ain't about me at all. It's, again, about humanity. It's how we treat our fellow people.]

Did research before speaking, sought counsel from the Black POC in his life, and reverted back to history to back up what he was saying to his followers

[img. i.d.: I was looking through things over the internet, trying to do my research before I spoke, and black people getting killed by white people for racist views is nothing new. I mean, you can go to the biggest names -- Martin Luther King [Jr.] in 1968, Reverend George Lee, one of the first black people to vote, killed by white people. And the "I can't breathe" movement? That was nothing new. You saw all the NBA players wearing "I can't breathe" shirts, anybody in sports, anybody in entertainment was wearing "I can't breathe" shirts. That was Eric Garner in 2014. Philando Castile, 2016. I am not painting every police officer bad because there are good police officers out there, so what I'm trying to say is this is directly to those racists out there, who have embedded themselves into the American society. You could be a person working at the movie theaters, you could be working anywhere to be honest. I don't care if you got a badge or not -- if you're racist, you're a racist. And your time is coming to an end. There's more biracial people coming into the world, there's more black people getting influence in the world, we got our first black president and hopefully not our last black president. This sh*t hits deep. I keep saying it. I employ everyone else do their research. Start looking at why everybody is so angry. You know, COVID-19 is an epidemic but this whole racial thing is systemic. It's been happening for 400 years to people with skin darker than ours, for no other reason than just that. So we need to call out people who got more power in this, those white people who have more power in this. I only know of one big attorney because I worked with them on a TV show, but Mark Geragos who has helped out P. Diddy, Chris Brown, and all these other people. Let him start speaking up. Come on, you got enough money now. Start standing up for the right reasons now. So also doing my research and talking to the cast of 9-1-1 and trying to figure out what [we] can do, how we can help out. Some of those don't feel what it feels like to be a black person and will never be able to, so how do we help? And Aisha, who plays Hen on the show, she was all about just support, reaching out, help whenever you can, wherever you can. You can go to Black Lives Matter, you can go to defund the Police, but in my personal opinion, defunding the police won't help because there are good police officers out there. You can also go to colorofchange.org, that's a good one. I see that a lot of people are trying to help out on that one, and there's a fund for George Floyd himself and his family. So there's ways to help out. Let's just find the right ways.

It was during this same livestream [on page 3/4 of the transcript], that Ryan says this about his partner's controversy:

[img. i.d. And now we're talking about different things now, now we're talking about her using the n-word. Let's address it, okay? You're telling her that she can't speak through Twitter to her black friends that have allowed her to say that back and forth to them, specifically? Mind you, that is a private conversation had on a social platform. I can see the misconstrued insight on that. That being said, I have plenty of friends - Black, white, Asian, Indian, Korean - and we make fun of each other's races all the time. We call each other slurs all the time. We don't get butt-hurt at all, nah, because we know the actual person, we know who each other are, we know we're not trying to bring each other down. So what are y'all trying to get it? You're trying to prove that somebody who is not racist is racist? Nah, you don't have that power. There is no racist energy coming from this household at all. In fact, we're helping. Again, being part of the solution rather than the problem. I know, for sure, that all of our friends would speak up to say the same thing. They know who we are. We know we're not about bringing down other humans, at all, not even caring about any kind of colour or nothing. So y'all need to stop with that. And if you're breeding hate and throwing it our way, you're wasting your energy and you're wasting your time.

This comment was the impetus for the "Ryan is racist" narrative. The following day, Ryan once again returned to Instagram live for a shorter livestream in which he clarified previous comments. [Full transcript here]. I can't add anymore images but to quote him directly:

What up everybody. So after having some time to really think about it and really calm myself down, I felt I have to clarify certain things. Let me first start off by saying I do not condone the use of the n-word by any non-Black person, that includes all Latinos. That's not our word, alright? So that people that are coming after me, keep that same energy for Cardi B, Tekashi 6ix9ine, Fat Joe, all of them Latinos who've been using it for years upon years and getting passes from and by 50 Cent and whoever else and what-not and saying it in their music. Keep that same energy. That being said, let me clarify and address the real situation at hand: When I said slurs, I came from an angry place. I couldn't think straight and I misspoke. All that was going through my mind is seeing these comments about my girl and about my one-year-old son. Seeing death threats to my girl, seeing this foul-ass language about my one-year-old son. And I misspoke. I meant to say stereotypes, and do I condone stereotypes? Nah. Now amongst friends, can friends make fun of each other? Yes. That being said, I'm not here to bring anybody down, no race down. As far as my girl goes, using the n-word nine plus years ago, she was I don't even know how old. 16? I think she's grown as a woman. I think she has apologized for it. I remember her doing a tweet last night apologizing for it. And I don't condone her using it. We don't use that word in this household; it's not our word. I'm not here to take away from what the black community has gone through, or take something from them. I'm here to help them in any way, through support, through anything. So that being said, I apologize to those that I have offended, and misrepresented myself by using the wrong term. I stand by my "try, fail, learn, grow" state of mind and I will continue to grow, I will continue to help out the community. So hope everybody has a great day, enjoys their life, and let's help our black brothers and sisters going through this horrible, difficult time. Alright. Now have a good one.

After his livestream finished, big entertainment new companies such as Variety, EW, and TVLine began pushing the "Ryan is racist" narrative, fueled by Aisha, Rockmond, and Oliver's comments on Twitter made the following day.

Aisha:

[img. i.d.: A tweet from Twitter user RisingTom that says: Maybe we should ask his black castmates how they feel about this. @/AishaHinds @/ImAngelaBassett @/traciethoms @/RockmondDunbar Ryan stays completely silent during this movement then comes on to excuse his wife's use of racial slurs & admits he & his friends use slurs all the time. @/AishaHinds: How I FEEL daily is a perpetual state of GRIEF. There's sadly no version of this indefensible discourse that doesn't exascerbate that grief. There's legions of learned behaviors that need to be named and neutured [sic] so we don't continue to give life to them. May we know & DO BETTER.]

Rockmond:

[img. i.d.: Two tweets from @/RockmondDunbar: As a black man this should go without saying but just to make sure people in the back understand when I say this with my whole chest: I don't condone the shit. I don't like the shit. And I've never been one to allow the word to be used around me by any non-black person...cont 2ND Tweet: And any alleged 'black people' that are co-signing their non-black friends to refer to them in that way need their entire asses checked. Too much history, too much pain. Past and present. Shit is utterly unacceptable.]

Oliver:

[img. i.d. Two tweets from @/oliverstarkk: I know a lot of you want to hear my thoughts on what a cast member said today on IG live. I can tell you that my opinion is there is absolutely no excuse for the use of the n word. It belongs to the Black community only and I absolutely don't agree with it being used by... 2ND Tweet: ...anyone else under any circumstances.]

Ryan apologized again after that in one of his final posts on Twitter, and then alluded to the controversy (and his response to it) once more on Instagram on his 34th birthday.

Those are the facts. Now for my opinions.

The response to Ryan and the years of backlash that have followed (mostly from white people) are completely disproportionate to the situation at hand. The controversy wasn't even his to begin with, but at the point where he involved himself in it for the sake of his partner, everyone (Ryan's castmates, the greater public, the fanbase, and Ryan himself) quickly lost sight of who was initially at fault. I don't think Chrysti Ane should be raked over the coals for comments she made 10+ years later, but the fact of the matter is that Ryan showed more contrition and genuine apology and desire to do better in his multiple apologies than she did in hers. Chrysti Ane victimized herself in her apology; Ryan didn't. That makes a difference.

I have always maintained, and continue to maintain, that BIPOC are allowed to feel about him however they want to feel because BIPOC communities were, in essence, targeted. But I encourage everyone to know the facts before making or maintaining any sort of decision or judgement.

And to all white people who read this and still decide not to like him, please know that I do not trust you. I probably do not like you. Not only have you inserted yourself in a discussion you absolutely do not belong in for years, but any continued vilification of a man of color after learning all the appropriate context is transparent and deplorable. For years, I have watched people hide their blatant racism behind empty activism, but there's no excuse for that now.

Here is all the context.

BIPOC, do with this what you will. White people, please keep your mouths shut on the matter.

[skinimini80]

Ok so I overate a lot on Wednesday.

I was at this event and suddenly there’s free food?

My broke ass ate it even though I wanted to go lower than the previous day. It was too good an opportunity.

I didn’t binge, didn’t purge, just again overate.

Because I didn’t make it myself, my cals are a guesstimate but I figured I ate 746 cals worth of food. I kept track of what I ate don’t get me wrong, I just didn’t have like a scale or access to the brands of the food.

Also earlier in the day, in class, I was given more free food as well! There were free cookies. Luckily the calories were on the bag, and I don’t really like eating in front of others. I nibbled on my portion throughout the hour.

Anyways that with my eating beforehand set me at 2020 cals.

Today I woke up insanely early, and the food I had eaten was also with alcohol and very late into the night, so I chose to not check my weight.

My new goal for the week is to make my lose it app at least balance out in terms of calories/ be in a deficit no matter how small. I ate 1244 cals today which puts me in a tiny deficit according to my app, 195 cals. I have my app set at maintenance, and say that I’m sedentary.

Throughout my overeating Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday I built up a surplus of 1114 cals.

1114- 195= I’m currently in a surplus of 919 cals. Thats a reasonable amount to take away from a 1439 calorie budget in the span of three days.

It would be satisfying to have a whole week of mostly accurate cals tracked out like that. I am pretty sure my maintenance is higher than 1439, even if I don’t exercise on purpose. Information is information.

Because water weight is tricky as shit to interpret, here’s how I’m gonna analyze my weight on Monday.

112.8, is around where I assume I started this week at. It I’m below 111, I’ll trust I’ve lost some amount weight. If not, I’ll assume I roughly maintained. If I’m over 112.8, uh I’ll assume I gained I guess. Hope that doesn’t happen, but you never know.

I almost b/ped today because I felt guilty after feeling full from eating a shit ton of apples. That ended up working out for me because I just took a nap to try and sleep off the guilt. I woke up at like 7. Catching up on missed sleep and re-entering my deficit era! Yay!

[chut-je-dors]

gotta say, I sometimes wonder if I should delete my tumblr and disappear, in a way that I'd still be on tumblr, just without anyone knowing it's good ole Chut. Still be writing and such, but... quietly. It's the weight of knowing there are a ton of people waiting for the next chapter of my fics, and I can't shake the... pressure I get from all of that. God, I love everyone's comments and kudos as much as any writer, and writing stories that so many seem to love, but there's just so much pressure in it as well. If I post a new fic, people will go "oh Chut posted something new, it's gonna be goooood" and with that presumption I can't write anything but good. Over and over again I seem to manage to create something people praise, without really seeing the greatness myself. I guess it's part impostor syndrome - I'm still waiting for when people realise I really am not that good a writer, even though I'm gradually learning to ignore the perfectionist in me.

All in all, sometimes I think it would be easier to shake off the follower count, and just blog for myself. I've learnt the hard way to not share much of my opinions here, since it'll get noticed. I love receiving asks, but i often forget answering them straight away and then there are 300 of them and then I feel bad for not answering them - and if Chut didn't have a tumblr (that people know about), I couldn't disappoint anyone in that way. Does that make any sense?

Chut-je-dors is a name that's known by most who read mclennon fics (?) and it's just, it's a lot. I also sometimes wonder what would happen if I wrote under a different pseudonym. The fic wouldn't probably get that many hits, since I'm pretty sure half of the hits in my fics are because I'm a "popular" writer. It would be liberating I think - no pressure of delivering anything that fits the "Chut-je-dors" box. I miss the days of writing the Hot Mechanic, with no rules, no pressure over the quality of writing or storytelling - just plain wackiness with no predecessor. Now, when I'm writing The Hot Spot, it has to live up to the other entries in the Hot Series. There's a lack of freedom in it - the text has to be funny, whereas before it was funny because I was completely unhinged, and had an absolute blast, and had absolutely no plans. No one knew me, and didn't base their opinions of THM on how I've "once again" delivered "such an amazing fic" etc. People like THM because of the fic itself.

The more popular and "good" fics I write, the more the pressure to deliver what people expect from my fics grows.

(And don't get me wrong, I want to write good and deliver good stuff, for my own sake as well. I love writing, and I love writing stuff I can read a year after and go "ahh this is good stuff". But the pressure of writing well for other people's sake overshadows the desire to write just for myself.)

(A part of all this is the language gap, cos my god, I write good in English but I write so much better in Finnish, and I'm always aware of what my text is lacking in English. Maybe I should write the fics in Finnish and translate them to English afterwards but lads, imagine the Work)

(After I lost my home in a house fire in 2020, and suffered a burnout and depression etc. all that stuff, the quality of my writing understandably dipped, and someone immediately noticed it and commented on it. Well, I've struggled with writing ever since. Always second-guessing whether what I'm writing is good, because I don't want to - or can - let my readers down. And now, I rarely write anymore, partly due to not having enough time, partly because I never feel like I'm doing good enough. I can take criticism, it's not about that - it's a comment that hit me hard at a point where I was just trying to produce text, any text, despite how hard it was, struggling with the trauma left by me losing all of my belongings, and knowing the writing wasn't probably good enough, but deciding to post still just to give people something, and then that comment - it hit right in the spot of insecurity that then manifested fully, and now whatever I write I feel it doesn't live up to, say 2019 writings. And thus I can't write at all, crippled by that insecurity.)

So yeah. Sounds probably silly, me whining away that "I'm too popular as a writer" but... well. Well. It's been 10 years since THM came out. Ten fucken years! It was the second fic I wrote under Chut-je-dors (the first being ThighGHGHGS, an absolute Legend of a fic written by an unhinged 15 year old) and I'm still partly trying to live up to it. THM cemented me as a popular mclennon author in this fandom, and I've had to live up to that mantel ever since with everything I write. Ten years!

(There's no point in any of this, no set resolution, I'm just rambling some thoughts away into the tumblr void)

(Don't get me wrong: I love each and every comment I receive and I'm so thankful people like my fics. These are issues that live inside my head, and they don't affect the gratitude I have that people still, after all these years, love my fics. That's all an author could ask for. Perhaps that is the core of the issue; I love making you guys happy with my fics, so much that I can't bear the thought of giving you something below my usual level of writing. Hm, a double-edged sword)

Anyway. That's some thoughts for now!

[sweetmastermind]

Im not delulu as wonyoung stan since 2018

Wonyoung's face look same imao for me..she was 14 yo in izone...

I have seen a popular prediction account said wonyoung didnt done ps( 2020 dec tweet)

Do you think makeup or lost weight changed her face?

Wonyoung have always lip like that since izone and her nose bump is the same .

I dont believe jaw lines thing..wndi ce wonyoung have always same chin

When wonyoung wear light makeup in izone,her face look like izone wonyoung .

As someone younger than her,i feel ashame if wonyoung get critized for get prettier with ps when she look same imoa..

I can't believe tiktokers and yt surgeon cause they didn't used great pics for compared...

Below this is 2023 pics with minimalist makeup

Her face is asymecrital like izone wonyoung.

When wonyoung wear black outfits this is 2022 pic and wondis her own makeup here.

This is wonyoung izone in vogue korea january 2021,she look like 2023 wonyoung.

Do you think wonyoung didnt fit heavy makeup ..with ton makeup...?

iz*one pics ,when she get purple,she has gained tons weight many knetizens critized..she lost weight in 2020

Hi, first i would like to say im not against plastic surgery and i hate seeing people targeting idols for getting work done

I understand that you don't see changes (more if they are subtle) there is a pattern that when you constantly see the face of someone, in this case, an idol, you absorb how they look and get used to it

Wonyoung has worked done, deepening her double eyelid, refining her nose, botox (and i HATE that young people use it, i can rant about it), lifting the inner corners of her lips, and filler on the lips and on the face. When she debuted she had baby fat, but now is fillers because you can't maintain those cheeks with the weight she has, if she doesn't put anything, her cheeks would look sunk. I don't think she had any bone shaving like some people say (especially that tiktok doctor that is questionable in a lot of ways) and I hope she doesn't get any major bone surgery, only if it is extremely necessary, a change in her jaw can be with botox on the masseters

Wonyoung was and is still pretty, having work done is not wrong and shaming someone for that is disgusting, especially knowing how the industry works. The issue with procedures is that every single one has a % of things going wrong, and what really concerns me, is how functioning adults let a beautiful child go under the knife/get things done unnecessarily? (and it could apply to any idol out there)

I understand that believing a child can get a beauty enhancement is hard, but is real, it happens more than we like and in the industry, every single idol has at least, one syringe of filler. Beauty standards are brutal because people are not kind when it comes to unnecessary commenting about how you look, lying and telling the truth can be super difficult too

I understand Wonyoung, i find it sad that she felt the necessity to change something so young but i can't do anything about it and i would love to break some opinions to the people that give "suggestions" to idols

[afatlotofchance]

So... apparently there’s another guy who did a “fit to fat to fit” kind of challenge.

Dmitry Azovsky, a personal trainer very present on TikTok. According to him, he deliberately gained 100 lbs / 7 stones / 45 kilos over one year to become overweight, and then lost it all the next year.

You will see tons of articles and interviews about him, and LOTS of TikToks since he is a tik-toker. And indeed, in 2021 he looked MASSIVE before losing it all by 2022. All to “show how easy it is to lose weight” or something like.

BUT... the question that I have, and that interestes me more is... We have tons of his before/after of 2021 (fat) to 2022 (fit). However I couldn’t find any before/after between 2020 (fit) and 2021 (fat). I haven’t found a single video showing what he looked like before gaining weight and depicting his weight gain. Have you seen such a thing? I am curious about this part of the “fit to fat to fit” challenge, which apparently wasn’t as documented as the weight loss part.

[gallopinggold]

Wild looking at the difference in Mary from various winters in different boarding situations.

Top photo is from the Jan of 2018 at CBCF, and Mary had been at that farm since Jan 2017. I had moved her from the previous barn, MHF, after she lost a ton of weight and developed quite a few health issues because of how poorly managed the farm was. One of Mary's old pasture mates, Dreamy, owned by the farm owners, essentially starved to death, after they bred her and didn't provide any forage. She wasted away to nothing, and died days after having her foal because she was so malnourished. So I moved Mary to CBCF, and she thrived there for a while. However, that didn't last, as the owners of CBCF had only owned the farm for a few months before I moved Mary there. The farm was well maintained by the previous owners, so the quality pasture was inherited. The second photo is still at CBCF, but in Jan of 2019. By that point, the farm owners had done nothing to maintain the pastures since purchasing the farm, and the grass had been taken over almost entirely by weeds and mud. The hay, when they actually fed it, was low quality and filled with foxtails. I spent months arguing with them, trying to bring in my own hay, move Mary into a better pasture, ect, before I realized any promises from them were empty and there would be no changes. In February of 2019, the farm owner's personal horse died from colic, likely because there was no forage available in her pasture. The horse had been nicknamed Skeletor by the other boarders, because she had continuously lost weight because the owners went days without feeding her.

I moved Mary to TWRD, which was a private farm that was essentially a retired couple's hobby farm. I loved this farm, and Mary's care was excellent. The pastures were mowed and weeded regularly, and they kept a strict ratio of how many horses could be in the pasture so that it wasn't overgrazed. The third photo is from there, taken in Jan of 2020. They didn't feed a lot of hay in the winter, but there was always some amount of grass available, no matter the season, because of how well it was maintained. Mary stayed fat and happy at this barn, and I would probably still have her there to this day if I hadn't moved after graduation. The owners did not have any personal horses, and no horses died while I was there.

Mary and I moved in Jan of 2021 to a new city, and thus a new barn, Ohboro farm. Photo 4 is from Jan 2021, and when Mary had only been at Ohboro for a few days, coming from the very nice TWRD. I've pretty well documented the issues I had with this farm, but like MHF, it was another farm that I was paying to feed my horse, that wasn't and was lying about it the whole time. Photo 5 is March of 2021, and you can tell Mary had lost a significant amount of weight in just those short months. After months of vet appointments trying to figure out what was going on with Mary, I finally caught that farm in the lies about feeding. They had stopped haying in January, and were feeding my supplied grain and hay pellets to their own horses, and not Mary. Since I've left, they've had multiple horses die or almost die. One horse had to have exploratory surgery, and they discovered he had a giant mass of gravel and asphalt in his gut because he had been starved and was eating and anything he possibly could. Another horse died in the pasture for "unknown" reasons, and was only found multiple days later by another boarder, not the barn staff, and had been partially eaten by coyotes at that point.

I had learned my lesson by that point that once you find the red flags, the only option is to get out as soon as possible, so I moved Mary once again, this time to HBFarm. This barn wasn't perfect, but was generally okay. An excellent barn in the summer, there was plenty of grass and the staff was incredibly consistent with grain feedings, Mary did really well there. However, they definitely followed the philosophy of over blanketing to compensate for low amounts of hay in the winter, and just thought you should add fat supplements and up the grain significantly. Mary wasn't terribly skinny in photo 6, taken Jan 2022, but thinner than I would have liked. It made me nervous, that's for sure, but there weren't really any other good boarding options in the area, and there were other aspects I really liked about the care at this barn, so I made due by feeding hay pellets myself as much as I could manage in a week. Horses at this farm definitely developed anxiety behaviors during the winters and lots showed stereotypical signs of ulcers, no deaths or colics though.

I honestly probably would have stayed at that barn and just spent the winters on edge, other than the fact that we finally purchased our own land this past fall. Mary moved to my backyard this November, and had been on free choice grass hay since day 1. I've blanketed her for 2 days total since then, and have only been feeding hay pellets as training treats or on the occasional snow day to increase water intake. She's on the same small grain ration she stays on during the summer. Photo 7 was taken a few days ago, January 2023.

Anyways, this was a giant post to say its wild how much the management styles at different places affected Mary's body shape. It became super obvious which operations were just milking every last drop of profit at the horses expense, those that were doing it out of love and joy for the horses, and those in the middle. TBs are such a mirror of a breed, they show their cards right on the surface.

[whentherewerebicycles]

weight talk under the cut

I got really out of my food and exercise routines during the months of the job hunt + big move + adjusting to new bleh work stuff (understandable) and my weight swung up quite a bit higher than it’s been in a while. but I did a pretty focused reset of my eating habits maybe six-ish weeks ago and I am starting to slowly see some of that stress weight come off. to be clear I like my body as is and while I have vague targets for where I’d like my ‘resting’ weight to be eventually I don’t diet or calorie count and I don’t stress too much about hitting certain ~milestones or whatever the way I used to in my lightly disordered eating youth. that said I think I do want to prioritize steadily and sustainably losing weight this year, for the following reasons:

health reasons (mostly my PCOS + family risk factors for diabetes and heart issues etc)

fertility reasons (moderate weight loss is supposed to increase chances)

🤰reasons (I’ve been reading about this a lot and if it’s within my control I’d like to make a concerted effort to not put on a lot more weight than I need to sustain a healthy pregnancy, especially since PCOS makes it really difficult for me to lose excess weight once I’ve put it on)

emotional reasons (this isn’t weight specific but: I feel a LOT better and sleep better when I’m eating well and getting a good amount of exercise. since I will have to go off most/all of my meds if I get pregnant I want to make sure I’m doing everything I can to take care of myself in other ways!)

I don’t know how long the IUIs will take, but I have budgeted for up to 6 cycles and I think I’d like to focus my food/exercise habit-building plans on a 3-6 month timeline. gonna return to this later today to do some more journaling and planning I think! but for now I want to stop & recognize that I’ve made huge progress towards the goals I set back in the spring 2020, when I realized I needed to change everything about my relationship to food/exercise. I eat SO many more kinds of vegetables than I used to and have learned to prepare healthy delicious meals. I’ve virtually eliminated processed foods + refined carbs and sugars from my everyday diet and have figured out ways to make that feel positive rather than restrictive or punitive. I’m curious about food and interested in new foods in a way I never was before like, age 27 lol. and I’ve experienced a couple stress-related setbacks (where I relapse into old eating habits) and been able to gently reset/get myself back on track. I consistently get 5-7 hours of moderate intensity exercise every week and I’m going to work on gradually building up to an additional 2-4 hours of higher intensity exercise at the gym each week. and while the scale isn’t everything, I’ve lost between 25-30 lbs (it’s fluctuated a bit with stress) in a little under 3 years. which probably isn’t as much as I could lose with crash dieting or whatever but my goal isn’t to lose fast but to lose sustainably in a way that gradually lowers my ‘resting’ weight aka the weight my body seems to kinda settle into. that feels really good to me!!! an average of 10 lbs per year seems doable and sane and not punishing.

it doesn’t make a ton of sense to set weight loss goals given the uncertainty of babymaking lol but if it does take me a while, I’d love to try to use careful food management + more exercise to slowly shed 5-7 lbs in the next six months, just to get myself comfortably into the 160s. the periods in my life where I’ve been the most physically fit my resting weight was between 145-150 and that 150 range has always felt like a good weight on my frame. soooo just gotta keep doing what I’m doing! working on building those good habits! tuning out the noise of weight loss pressure etc! focusing on what feels good for my body and self!

[chubbyemostoner]

about me:

18F she/they

bisexual, mostly into guys but girls are hotter

i smoke a shit ton of weed

how i found out i was into this shit:

i remember back in like 3rd grade when i got the sims 3 i used to always make my sims fat and felt some shit going on in my panties that i didnt yet understand. ive always been on the heavier side and super insecure about it and tried to find a "safe place" in it.. which i think kind of resulted in getting this fetish. i also always loved characters gaining weight in cartoons n shit. so kinda that

weight gain shit:

at some point in late 2020 i got to my lw in like 2 years (163lbs) but then online school happened…. and yeah i just gained like 30lbs in around 2 months (≈190lbs, i think my highest was 194lbs but im mot fully sure). i was constantly eating, mad depressed and not moving and i felt disgusting the whole time. but at the same time i loved the way my belly started to hang, my usually too big jeans getting tight, being out of breath from just walking and so on. I sometimes regret not just giving in and at least gaining a little more (like up to 220lbs or till my parents would get too concerned lol) but then school started and I lost weight and fluctuated between 170lbs-180lbs for a while but eventually got down to my cw (≈160lbs) and even though i feel a lot more comfortable, i sometimes just miss being this fat. i was so in denial back then i still dont fully comprehend the fact that i literally had a bmi of 32 and was literally obese???

for mental health reasons i will not be gaining any weight on purpose but i still just occasionally love to indulge myself with everything i can find and i just love the way a fat belly looks and feels and… yeah anyways

[flirting-with-psychology]

Where did 2017/18/19/20/21/22 start for you? 2017: At my mom’s house I think

2018: I think also at my mom’s house

2019: Uhh I can’t remember

2020: At a 20′s party

2021: At my dad’s house

2022: At my apartment with my boyfriend and my mom Did you move houses? Where are you living now? 2017: I moved into a house with some of my friends from school

2018: I moved into a different house with different friends from school

2019: The first time since starting college that I haven’t moved

2020: I moved back in with my dad at the end of the year because my roommates weren’t taking covid seriously

2021: I moved in with my boyfriend

2022: I did not have to move Did you get a new job? 2017: Yes I did!

2018: I got some independent projects and an internship

2019: Nope…

2020: No but I got to leave my job

2021: I got a couple new jobs actually!

2022: Nope, same one Were you taken on Valentine’s Day? 2017: No

2018: No

2019: I wasn’t officially taken but I had a date!

2020: Yes :)

2021: Yes :)

2022: Yes :) Did you get married or divorced? 2017: No

2018: No

2019: No

2020: No

2021: No

2022: No

Did you find any new friends? 2017: Yes, a few

2018: Yes

2019: I think so?

2020: A couple

2021: A couple

2022: Yes   Did anybody disappoint you this year? 2017: Cadence kind of did

2018: Plenty of boys did and some friends did too

2019: Hiring managers did

2020: The whole world did

2021: Not majorly but I’m sure plenty of people did minorly

2022: Yes Who got really close to your heart? 2017: Cadence and Captain were already there but they got closer, possibly Guacamole

2018: No one really

2019: The Magician became my boyfriend

2020: My boyfriend

2021: My boyfriend

2022: My boyfriend and my DnD friend group Did you find a new hobby? 2017: Yes, Metal Earth models. Although it’s possible I started that in 2016

2018: I don’t think so, unless you consider shopping a hobby. But even that’s not new

2019: Got a little more into jewelry making

2020: Dice making

2021: DnD mini painting

2022: Not really Where did you go on holiday? 2017: I went to London with my mom

2018: I didn’t

2019: I went on a birthright trip to Israel

2020: Harry Potter World

2021: Colorado Springs

2022: St. Louis, Chicago, New York, California What was your most expensive purchase? 2017: A mattress. Or rent, but that’s not really a purchase

2018: My gold Brighton heart necklace 2019: Plane tickets?

2020: A car

2021: Car repairs

2022: Probably car repairs, or if it’s just actual purchases, the Taylor Swift tickets

Did you change your appearance this year? 2017: Not really. I got better at makeup though

2018: Got a little fatter

2019: Gained weight. I tried to dye my hair but it didn’t really take

2020: Got fatter and my hair got longer

2021: Got fatter

2022: Dyed my hair into an ombre Did you change mentally? 2017: Maybe got a little more stable after the whole Bryant ordeal

2018: Maybe a little more feeling stuck in my ways

2019: Felt more frustrated with my job situation but lost some FOMO since getting a boyfriend

2020: More anxiety

2021: Started running out of fucks to give

2022: Got more relaxed about covid Did you learn anything new this year? 2017: Yeah, all my spring semester classes

2018: Yeah at my jobs and internship

2019: Learned about having a boyfriend

2020: Not a whole ton but learned how to make dice and learned about Subaru Foresters and about covid

2021: Learned about vaccines

2022: Learned new things at my job What were the best moments? 2017: London, screening my film, graduating

2018: Singing maybe, or having fun with friends

2019: Seattle was fun, the birthday escape room was fun

2020: Harry Potter World

2021: Getting new jobs, getting my vaccines, starting to see my friends again, homecoming

2022: The Good Night Oppy premiere, doing fun things with my friends like brunch with the Strixhaven group, drinking in St. Louis, the comedy shows I saw

What was the best present you gave to somebody? 2017: My mom’s buffalo magnet

2018: Oh man I feel like I had a really good humor present but I can’t remember what it was

2019: A downton abbey bell for my mom or a cool album for my boyfriend

2020: Solar system necklaces

2021: A vintage Queen album from the year it came out for Nick

2022: I got my dad a glass sphere with a vortex optical illusion but I haven’t given it to him yet The best present somebody gave to you? 2017: My friend gave me a Loki action figure

2018: Probably my speaker from Hanukkah

2019: Dating me

2020: My companion cube die from my boyfriend

2021: Dice

2022: The murder mystery dinner game Things you could have done without? 2017: Surgery. I mean I probably couldn’t really have done with out it, but I could have done without needing it in the first place

2018: Half the stuff I bought at Macy’s

2019: Lol same at the Macy’s crap. Also unnecessary critiques of my weight and constant job pressure

2020: The pandemic

2021: Covid (and a lot of dice stuff)

2022: A lot of the candy I ate Which song most reminds you of this year? 2017: Evermore?

2018: Waving through a window

2019: If I Were A Jolly Blacksmith

2020: Epiphany

2021: Dangerous to Dream

2022: Elephant Love Medley The most delicious meal? 2017: IHOP cupcake pancakes

2018: Zucchini spaghetti

2019: Rueben’s pretzel bun grilled cheese and sweet potato fries with garlic aioli sauce. Too bad they closed!

2020: Giordano’s Pizza

2021: The Melting Pot

2022: The Melting Pot or the Cheesus Saves pizza from the bar The most impressive book? 2017: Mistborn series

2018: Here Lies Daniel Tate

2019: I didn’t really read anything impressive

2020: The Hunger Games series

2021: Mistborn series again

2022: Harry Potter series again The best film? 2017: Coco

2018: A Star Is Born

2019: Uhh Rocketman?

2020: Idk

2021: I don’t remember much that I saw, I want to say Hamilton but I think that was last year

2022: Good Night Oppy Best time spent with: 2017: Some of my friends who are back in town

2018: My roommates

2019: My boyfriend

2020: My boyfriend

2021: My DnD group and my band friends

2022: My dnd group The best album? 2017: Anastasia the Musical

2018: Can’t pick, there were a lot of good musicals

2019: Lover by Taylor Swift

2020: Folklore by Taylor Swift

2021: Sour by Olivia Rodrigo

2022: Midnights by Taylor Swift Which was your favourite month? 2017: May

2018: August or September

2019: October

2020: January

2021: Maybe October

2022: November or December What do you want to change in 2018/2019/2020/2021/2022/2023? 2017: Actually work out ever, get a job in my field, finish my Harry Potter spellbook

2018: Get a boyfriend, lose weight, be happier

2019: Get a fucking job

2020: Get back to normal and get a better job

2021: Be done with covid, lose weight, finish moving in

2022: Lose weight How would you rate this year? 2017: Pretty good

2018: Ok

2019: Ok

2020: Most times I don’t blame the year, but fuck 2020

2021: Not great but better than last year

2022: Pretty good

[otter1962]

The Next Steps: Post Cancer

It’s been a while since I last posted to my blog. It is hard to believe that I found out I had colon cancer on May 13, 2019, and had surgery on May 23, 2019.

I had barely started to deal with my partner at the time leaving me for the stupidest reasons and suddenly my life was thrown into chaos with this cancer business.

I know that I have already discussed the chemotherapy that I went through and how I adjusted and survived it.

Coming out of my chemotherapy and immediately faced with COVID was really hard. It was a time when I discovered that I had neither dealt with the loss of my partner nor that I had had cancer. I felt like I was a blank slate and that somehow I had shed any sense of normalcy. I was going through the motions of teaching (granted it was online for March - June 2020) and wondering if I would ever get my spirit back. I know that I have discussed how I searched for meaning and finally opted to work on my energetic energy. 

For most of the remaining months, I joined an online coaching group for energetic attraction. There, I learned about not being an over-the-top caregiver for everyone else and began taking care of myself first. I met a ton of amazing friends online and many of them are still my friends. During that time, I also let go of wanting my local friends to support me through cancer. I looked inside and found the strength to do it on my own - but had the courage to turn to several online friends who became my support network. They helped me let go of my disappointment with my local friends and allowed me to get close to my new best friends.

2020 and 2021 were the years of the COVID pandemic for me. I was in and out of the classroom, I spent the summer of 2020 by myself in my house in a small Nova Scotia town. I learned to follow my passions of gardening, cooking, weightlifting and my writing. They became the “Me Years.” I used that time to get to know myself and set my goals of where I wanted to go. It was a time when I focussed less on cancer and more on living my life the way I wanted to.

For the past two years after stopping my chemotherapy, I’ve made trips to the clinic for testing my cancer markers. I’ve had a yearly colonoscopy. Everything is still okay and I am in remission.

Since my last blog entry, I have lost several friends and acquaintances to cancer. I’ve also supported friends who are now going through cancer treatment. Cancer still makes an appearance in my life and it reminds me that I have to be diligent in my own recovery.

COVID was a time when I often couldn’t get to the gym to work out. It was also the time for Netflix and sitting on a couch, eating tons of snacks.  I continued to eat like I was exercising at the gym. There was seldom a time when I turned on the TV that I didn’t start craving snacks - usually sugar-laden things or salty treats. 

One day, I looked at myself in the mirror and realized that I had a COVID belly. I knew that I had to make a change. The gym opened up and I began a series of cardio days, often 2-3 times per week. I was weight-lifting as much as I could because I tore my right pectoral muscle. It departed from my ribcage and now bounces to the right in a bizarre manner. I began to feel like my cancer was just the precursor to more injuries or problems with my body.

Thankfully, I was able to pull myself out of potential depression because I had spent so much time working on the real me. I’ve tried to be as proactive about my healing as possible. A year after tearing my pectoral muscle, I am still waiting on an MRI to determine the damage and what can be done about it. I’ve had to face that I’ve lost a lot of bulk on my chest as well.

I began to reflect on all these changes to my body and then the thoughts of how I was aging became forefront in my mind. I no longer felt like I was in the “zone” which was the place where I felt good about my body. This leads me to where I am at the moment: almost 60, with several injuries affecting me, a feeling that old age is catching up and that I am becoming invisible in the gay world because of my age.

So where will I go next? I am embarking on a new outlook on what my life will look like as I head toward retirement, ticking things off my bucket list and trying to finally enter the dating pool at the age of 59. I need to reflect on my health, my body, my spirit and how I can make the most of my remaining years on this planet. 

As I close off this blog for now (who’s to say that I won’t post again) I want to mention my other blog about energetic attraction which can be found at: https://otterenergy1962.tumblr.com/. That blog has sat without an entry for a while. It does give me a sense of what I did during that self-discovery time during COVID as I search for the inner me.

Now, I am starting a new blog about dealing with my age, my health, my goals and above all, my passions. Please check it out at: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/otter1962crystalball 

Carpe diem my friends!

[bighairsmallwaist]

This helped med stay on track in 2020 when I lost a ton of weight so I’m posting it here for some extra accountability 💙

[escaping-thereality-world-blog]

what's going on with me

Yesterday I had a doctors appointment which I have been waiting for, for forever. I have been trying to get in to see them to start the conversation about a breast reduction. I am so over having this chest. I can't find bras or swimsuits that fit. I have incredible back and neck pain, I can't wear crop tops because they either look like a bra or I’m hanging out the bottom of them. 

I’m so ready to have this surgery. It is going to open so many new doors for me. Im currently a size 48 around and an F cup. It is ridiculous. Im hoping to bring the cup size down to to a D or DD. so not even that much but just enough so I can find bras and swim tops and hopefully get rid of some of the weight that's causing the neck and back pain. 

TRIGGER WARNING. (EATING DISORDERS)....

Now along with this appointment I opened up with my doctor about some serious other issues I've been facing. Which is involving my body weight. And this subject is very deep. In high school (the same time I was in that toxic relationship around 2017) I had developed and eating disorder. But at the time I had no idea I had one. The toxicity of the relationship constantly made me extremely nauseous and sick to my stomach. I was never able to keep my food down. And I HATED throwing up so I eventually just stopped eating. And even though I wanted to eat all the time I never could because of the fear for puking it right back up. I lost a ton of weight, and I was so skinny my ribs started to poke out and my hips bones did as well. during this time however I wasn't seeing my doctors so it was never recorded in my medical file my drastic drop in weight. and this went on for a few years. in 2019 I started college 3 hours away from home. and I was no longer in that relationship. I was able to start putting on some weight again. 

Partly through college that year my ex and I got back together and the eating disorder came back. 

College that year came to an end and I moved back home. There was a night that I went out with my boyfriend and there was an accident. I broke my leg in two places and shredded my ALC to the point it couldn't be repaired. I needed surgery to reconstruct my ALC and lots of time for my tibia and femur to heal.

It is 2020 and 4 days before my surgery my ex broke up with me for the final time. 

I was Immobilie most of the time and started to gain weight like crazy. And it made me develop an extreme case of body dysmorphia. My relationship with food started to become extremely unhealthy. Its now 2023 and my weight has come to a whopping 239.8lbs. and I’ve never been more upset. I spoke to my doctor in my appointment yesterday to discuss healthier options to lose this weight while not developing my eating disorder again. 

I’m waiting to discuss the options I have. So I guess I’ll keep the blog posted.

[reblogthiscrapkay]

Review Of My 2022 New Year’s Resolutions/2023 Resolutions

Time for my yearly breakdown. This was, honestly and truly, one of if not the roughest year of my entire life so far. Sure, 2020 sucked for everyone and I remember my 2015 (I think) starting off really bad but ending okay, but this one takes the cake unquestionably. I am still in the grieving and recovery process. That being said, whatever progress I made on my resolutions pales in comparison to the fact that I am still here. *Reduce “Want To Read” list down to 60. Reread a book. Mild Fail. My read list is currently sitting at 77, which is one more book than it was a year ago. That being said, I reread a few short books this year, read everything on my secondary list that I got from the NTCE conference, and finally read The Count of Monte Cristo, the last book from my 50 Books To Read Before You Die bookmark and the longest book on my list. I can only consider this a fail to an extent.

*Watch all the important movies of 2021 and keep that movie list under control. Pass. This one endures as necessary and achievable. *Listen to 20 albums I already own. Pass. I did one better on this: I listened to every single album I had that I had never listened to. My music listening list is empty. I last made a real dent in it in 2020 but this year I was determined to just destroy it. *Play 10 new games. Pass. Speaking of destroying lists, I also completed my entire game list this year after having it become a monster from bundle buying in 2020. I spent basically all of August plowing through itchio games that I got until there was nothing left. It’s an incredibly freeing position to be in. *Run at least three times a week. Preferably four. Fail. I did some walking and actually lost a ton of weight over the summer but it’s slowly creeping back as it does every year and my strength is still nonexistent. *Go to at least two new places within pandemic restrictions. Pass. I went on a road trip around the Midwest and down to see my brother which included five new national parks and a bunch of major cities, my favorites being Charleston and Louisville. Then I took a spontaneous trip to Iceland that was amazing. *Make a new flower crown. Pass. It’s more of a laurel, which I ended up having the kids wear during Julius Caesar, but it’s something. I should have made something more daily usable but eh. *Finish writing something you’re proud of. Pass. I finished a play I had started winter break of 2021 and then also wrote a rather sad short story. Both were essentially therapy but I do think they turned out well. *Be better than last year. Fail. I was objectively worse than last year. I hit rock bottom. And yet, I managed to do a lot. 2023 RESOLUTIONS *Reduce “Want To Read” list down to 60. *Watch all the movies of 2022 that I care about. Watch/Rewatch all the movies on that list I made with Adam. *Get good at bass guitar. *Try game mastering a campaign. *Exercise at least three times a week. (Once the weather gets better. I live in an apartment now, and I can’t really run inside) *Go to at least two new places (This one is very likely already happening as I already have a trip planned for Spring Break to hit up four new and two old national parks and I’m writing a grant to go to Morocco but still) *Go back to doing something with your novel. *Be better than last year.