#so for years i've struggled w

[noxtivagus]

sigh

[zu-is-here]

TRAPPED [ Error ]

Previous • Masterpost • Next

[bunnihearted]

lately i've been finding it so so hard to be positive and hopeful. and it's making me so bitter and hateful. i hate it but i dont know what to do about it

[miodiodavinci]

head in hands like "maybe i should have realized this about myself sooner" as i am surrounded by neon flashing signs that Very Clearly Indicate the thing i should have realized about myself sooner

[trans-xianxian]

hey can random fucking strangers on the internet please stop recommending me ways to kill my own rats every time I have to put one to sleep

[welcometogrouchland]

they shouldn't let me stay up past midnight bc then I start identifying every single problem I've ever had. No solutions found. Net zero personal progress and 0.5 hours of sleep are achieved

[scarlettcryptid]

i feel so silly being anxious about my ENT appointment at 930 🥴

[striddums]

if i see/hear one more person refer to taurus as a “masculine sign” or “the masculine side of venus” i am going to explode into a thousand pieces!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE WRONG!!!!!!! LITERALLY OBJECTIVELY INCORRECT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT IS AN EARTH SIGN RULED BY VENUS AND THE PLACE OF EXALTATION FOR THE MOON IT IS MOTHER GAIA IT IS LITERALLY THE FIRST FEMININE SIGN OF THE ZODIAC WHEEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! your perception of what femininity means has become so warped and rotten due to social conditioning!!!!!!!!!!!!!! to be sturdy and stable and stubborn in your ways and to have a strong desire to care for and pamper yourself and fill your own cup FIRST so you can nourish others RESPONSIBLY & SUFFICIENTLY and to have a practical approach to your nurturing nature and to be blunt with your boundaries and to be STRONG IS SUCH AN INTEGRAL PART OF WHAT IT MEANS TO BE FEMININE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM BEGGING YOU TO REALISE THIS PLEASE

it really truly does have the same connotations to it as when people nowadays call fat women / hairy women “unfeminine” (which is obviously untrue), when this was absolutely not at all how people viewed womanhood in history, and stems from a much more ‘modern’ mindset that’s a direct result of our current social climate. fat + having volume to one’s body used to be seen as a clear indicator of good health and feminine fertility (nourishment => a very taurian trait!) and body hair was literally just so normal (being natural => another trait heavily linked to taurus!!!)

taurus, and every single one of the characteristics connected to the sign/archetype, is feminine >:I

[moe-broey]

I CANNOT BE DOING THIS. THIS IS NOT WHAT I INTENDED TO DO. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[piplupod]

mistakes were made. should not have gone to library today. i will be leaving the house all five days of the week now (plus we went to a waterside on sunday for several hours) and uhm... i feel like i need to go hibernate for several weeks to feel even remotely okay again fhdkdl i am so tired i can barely think enough to string words together in any comprehendable way 🧍<- upset

[cacw]

wow so cute. NOT! who the hell do you think you are

[rozaceous]

maybe they private the rest of their bookmarks? xD

they very well might! but I also suspect that there's an element of--when you're focused on making/creating stuff, it takes up a lot of your brain and you literally don't have time to think about much other stuff. and writing thousands of words with any consistency requires a lot of attention in a way that, for me personally, isn't really compatible with reading fic.

definitely I can't read fic in the same fandom when I'm writing, sometimes I can't read any at all. and when I'm reading a lot of fic it's usually a sign that I'm either over- or understimulated somehow, and looking for a quick dopamine hit that is quite antithetical to how my brain works when I write, which requires a lot of sustained focus and depth. so for authors with a lot of material, I imagine that they spend most of their time w their brain working in the latter category. they honestly might just read less fic.

[bunnihearted]

𓂃 ࣪˖ ִֶָ𐀔

[pondscummy]

so me and roommate L talked on Sunday and I finally like aired some of my grievances and was like hey you really hurt me w how you treated me during my recovery and I realized I actually really don't feel like I can safely communicate with you and I haven't felt like I could for a very long time. and they did apologize and we decided to just be polite roommates and not friends at all and that's a big relief honestly bc now I'm not carrying around this tension the way I was before bc I know there's not expectation from either side but like. it's also freed me up mentally where I'm not thinking about all the immediate stuff anymore and instead I'm like remembering various random things that pissed me off but weren't big enough to focus on before lmao

the one I'm stuck on rn is how insistent they are that I'm on the spectrum. idk they do a lot of explaining myself to me that makes me like. bro shut Up you don't know what my lived experience is like lol you have no concept of anything. which. for context I have a dx and I thought I was on the spectrum for years and years but weirdly enough going to therapy and working through my ptsd made a lot of those symptoms just.... start vanishing. and one of my friends had been undiagnosed for the same reason so it got me thinking about it and talking to my therapist at the time and like. ptsd can present rly similarly. like I was neglected and abused as a child and I literally did not learn social skills, and I was very fearful of other people. as I like worked through the stuff that had instilled that in me and found my stride w stepping out of my comfort zone and getting comfortable being uncomfortable I really don't find it particularly hard to talk to people. I retook the RAADS and I got that I have tendencies but am not anywhere near diagnostic level. I'm literally moving states bc I find the idea of being in a new place and starting from scratch socially rly exciting and I want to like go out to events on my own and meet people both through apps and more organically and I want to get to be in the office with my coworkers like. obv there's more to a dx than just social anxiety but the things that my dx was primarily based in (social anxiety, need for stability/routine, aversion to connection, even sensory issues) are so easily linked back to trauma for me and like. being on the spectrum doesn't go away w therapy?? also I've found it harder and harder to befriend other people on the spectrum; I find I have less in common as time goes on and that my communication style is more focused on like small talk and less directness etc. and I don't tend to get special interests at all anymore like I find it a little difficult to discuss interests w people for long periods of time.

anyway idk my experiences just make me think that it was an incorrect dx but a rly understandable one. I'll probably always have tendencies and get along pretty well w others who do or who are on the spectrum but like I just don't think that I am. and whenever I tried to talk about this with them they'd shut it down and be like um I'm pretty sure you are lmao. and when we talked Sunday I made a comment about making some assumptions about their facial expressions at one point and they were like well we're both on the spectrum so. and I was like my guy I can read facial expressions just fine. if you're saying I can't read yours accurately bc You're on the spectrum then fine. sure. I actually think it's bc you're always so fucking stoned that every muscle in your face is dangling from the frame, personally, but like. i don't have this probably of misreading anyone else dude. like ffs stop armchair diagnosing me and acting like bc you said it then it's law. UGHHHHHHHHHGGGHHHH. it would be one thing if I thought they were saying this stuff bc they think I'm distancing myself out of internalized ableism or something. but it really seems more like they bring it up only to tell me how bad I am at things. which like I'm sorry lmao but. if I'm not giving this vibe to anyone else and I'm not displaying symptoms predominantly in my day to day life and if they're rly seeming to be correlated to my ptsd, maybe you're literally just triggering for me to be around. asshat

[dreamlogic]

...

[unproduciblesmackdown]

like hearing an autistic person talking abt realizing like "oh so friendships for some ppl don't involve always having to maintain a performance" and going damn right yeah and now "oh so friendships for some ppl involve their getting to expect that the other ppl will be interested in them and provide support" like huh go figure. more surprising like oh right i guess i always felt like interactions require maintaining a performance that can only go wrong (generally true; like there's no "well you're ruining things by keeping ppl from being the Real You so just Be Yourself" like a] masking isn't Real or done by Yourself or b] like if you unmask people like you now & ableism is over, b/c it was your fault for reacting to it in the first place) & thus also that i should be interested & provide support but not expect that in turn / the sense as well that you are/can only come up short and have things to make up for anyways while lucky whoever's even providing the time of day

then it's always an Exercise to go "oh right well beyond going [my god autistic character] the whole time, what Things re: winston billions was i still not quite seeing as as unusual / Not Good as they are. even for billions" like sure noticing he's holding on to the hopes of some kind of positive / actual relationship w/rian for like year 950 & this manifesting with the Determined Friendliness but zooming in like oh i guess that adamant amicability sure involves winston suppressing a negative reaction to negative treatment and yet still hoping for an improvement, which like, was always Possible but a) hinged on rian simply choosing to change how she regards/treats him (or someone intervening to change the situation) & b) apparently is not going to happen. thinking like yeah that's very Friendly of him. and knowing like man winston's sure still trying to keep this friendliness offer open for like two years. but also now more specifically going like Yeah and pretty fucked then that his baseline expectations don't include that Mutual Interest & Support (though someone being abusive is definitely interested just not in any good ways. and certainly not (actually) supportive)