#(getting back to a healthy weight definitely helped as well ;w;)

[striddums]

if i see/hear one more person refer to taurus as a “masculine sign” or “the masculine side of venus” i am going to explode into a thousand pieces!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE WRONG!!!!!!! LITERALLY OBJECTIVELY INCORRECT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT IS AN EARTH SIGN RULED BY VENUS AND THE PLACE OF EXALTATION FOR THE MOON IT IS MOTHER GAIA IT IS LITERALLY THE FIRST FEMININE SIGN OF THE ZODIAC WHEEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! your perception of what femininity means has become so warped and rotten due to social conditioning!!!!!!!!!!!!!! to be sturdy and stable and stubborn in your ways and to have a strong desire to care for and pamper yourself and fill your own cup FIRST so you can nourish others RESPONSIBLY & SUFFICIENTLY and to have a practical approach to your nurturing nature and to be blunt with your boundaries and to be STRONG IS SUCH AN INTEGRAL PART OF WHAT IT MEANS TO BE FEMININE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM BEGGING YOU TO REALISE THIS PLEASE

it really truly does have the same connotations to it as when people nowadays call fat women / hairy women “unfeminine” (which is obviously untrue), when this was absolutely not at all how people viewed womanhood in history, and stems from a much more ‘modern’ mindset that’s a direct result of our current social climate. fat + having volume to one’s body used to be seen as a clear indicator of good health and feminine fertility (nourishment => a very taurian trait!) and body hair was literally just so normal (being natural => another trait heavily linked to taurus!!!)

taurus, and every single one of the characteristics connected to the sign/archetype, is feminine >:I

[qqtxt]

[🌸] careful pt.2 w/ txt

✿ pairing: ot5 x reader / fluff 🌸 / idol!txt / non.idol!you / minor cursing (none with ill-intention!) / mentions of small cuts, blood and bruises (nothing serious!) / mentions of food and eating ✿ mini-fics with each member for the same situation / less than 500 words for each member / altogether, word count: 3,126 words ✿ in which you hurt yourself and he tends to your wound. (pt.1 is here!) [masterlist 🌸] / other members under the cut! / @kflixnet​ ❤️‍🩹

gasp. i’m back! i hope everyone has been safe and healthy, and be careful. *winkwink* ✨

[🐰] soobin it’s like soobin’s able to detect something is wrong with the force the moment he hears a commotion coming from the kitchen. the loud noises distract him from watching his show, his body reacting faster than his mind can because he’s already moving from the sofa; beelining straight to the source of the sound.

he stands by the doorway of the kitchen, eyes frantically scanning to where the sound might’ve come from. he lets out a relieved breath when he spots the cans of soup around you, one in particular in your hand but what makes him squint is the mark that’s on your forearm.

“sorry,” you let out softly, awkwardly holding up a single can of–”i just wanted to make some soup,”

you didn’t process what soobin was frowning at when he walked over to you, peeling the can from your hand to set it on the counter nearby. he gently tugs you closer so he can inspect the now noticeable mark on your forearm. well, it could be because you shielded yourself the second the onslaught of cans started to come falling down. note to self: just grab a chair, climb on the counter, or–”you should’ve called me for help, you could’ve gotten seriously injured,”–yeah, that. you were just getting to that.

“i just...” you mutter under your breath, “didn’t want to bother you.”

“you’re never a bother,” he huffs, the frown embedding deeper on his face that the dimples appear out of frustration, rather than endearment on most days. you keep your lips shut and nod slowly, to which soobin sighs and shakes his head, using a thumb to rub circles along the mark even though he knows it hurts (but it was for the best).

“be careful, okay? i really, really don’t mind helping you at all.”

you chuckle, now seeing how your laughter confuses soobin.

“what’s so funny?”

“you’re just… cute, that’s all.”

soobin adjusts his stance, shifting his weight to the other foot, hip jutting out slightly as he grips your wrist with a raised brow and pursed lips. you give in very, very quickly when you can sense the way soobin looks at you is more of a warning than an indulgence to keep poking fun at the situation. “ah, okay, okay. i’ll ask you for help next time, mr. two feet tall.”

soobin ignores the last part of your sentence and smiles a little, “good.” 

he tugs your hand to follow his direction out of the kitchen, towards the sofa, “no soup until i’m done applying the ointment.”

tl;dr: introducing, mr. i’m-not-mad-just-worried-and-disappointed because he knows sometimes your injuries come from not being careless but from making the decision to risk things for the sake of not bothering others. (or trying to take a shortcut) so he’ll be a bit more “strict” but in reality, it’s all because he cares about you and worries for you. would definitely cave in to baby you if that’s what you want but for the most part, he’ll show that he’s worried and will reprimand you if it was something avoidable as simple as reaching for a stool or calling him for help instead. he wants to make it very, very clear to you because this overthinking sweet bean will keep thinking of different ways this could’ve turned out for the worst. so he’ll be thorough in imprinting it in your head that he just wants you to be safe. (so for the sake of soobin’s heart, pls)

[🦊] yeonjun you see, when it came to cooking ramen with yeonjun, let’s just say things can get quite… heated. in a sense where the two of you are overly excited to eat the food that it doesn’t quite process your mind that you should be using a cloth to retrieve the pot when the handle isn’t of a heat insulator material. the yelp that rings the kitchen and the harsh slam of the pot back onto the stove is what gets yeonjun’s shoulders to jump.

he quickly turns around from the sink, shaking his hands dry as he approaches you to examine–”what happened?”

you refuse to answer just yet, hurriedly brushing past him to stand where he once stood by the sink. flipping the faucet, putting your hand under the running water and yeonjun pieces everything together from over your shoulder with furrowed brows and a huff.

“i uh–”you remember that you hadn’t answered him”–i kind of… the pot was–so i was–”yeonjun clears his throat to get you to stop talking. you process what’s happening when he switches off the faucet and he lets out the deepest sigh that shakes your bones in anticipation to what he has to say. you swallow the lump in your throat and don’t move at all, until he pulls you by the arm to sit on the nearby chair in the kitchen by the island.

“wait here,” he mutters under his breath, eyes pinned on you to make sure you’re not going to not listen to him. when he confirms you’re listening to him, he frantically searches from cabinet to cabinet. you quietly watch as he goes through his fifty-shades-of-worry before he finally finds what he was looking for with a cooling gel.

he takes the seat next to you, reaching for the wrist of the hand he sees has a mark on your palm. he applies the gel gently, pausing every now and then to make sure you don’t feel the pain that much. once he’s done, he closes the gel bottle and looks at you with a sigh.

“be careful next time, okay? you could’ve hurt yourself much worse if you hadn’t placed it back onto the stove properly.”

“…”

“…”

“…and waste the ramen?”

he makes a sound as he sucks his lips in, brows nearly meeting the center of his forehead at the intensity he’s frowning at you. with a sheepish grin, you nod, “okay, okay. sorry. that wasn’t funny, i know.” 

yeonjun hates how you’re able to smile at him like nothing happened; and he hates how his heart is already swooning at the sight.

“thank you, jun-ah.”

“…clumsy butt,” he huffs under his breath, but you can tell everything has already resume to the way it was before when he kisses the top of your head and goes to retrieve the food for you two to eat.

tl;dr: introducing, mr. i-might-scream-first-but-i’m-actually-chill-about-it because his emotions and expressions can get the best of him first before he tames it to recollect himself knowing his outburst is the last thing you need. will go into his signature “mom” mode to lecture you in a loving way fuelled with affection and cuddles because come back here, you’re not leaving until you listen to everything i say and let me hug you properly and repeat back to me whatever i just said to you.

[🐯] beomgyu beomgyu feels like he should’ve saw it coming but really, he couldn’t have predicted that when you said you kinda knew how to ride a bicycle, it meant–”i-i don’t know how to stop!”

“hah! what a–”his brain processes what you had just said, rather than how you’ve said it (which is screaming at the top of your lungs as you head towards a tree–”wait, what?! baby! press down on the handles in front of your fingers!”

it seems like either the words came out too slow or the adrenaline and panic flushing through your veins blocked out anything going in because one second you’re still on the bicycle, the next, you’ve crashed into a tree and is now on the ground under the shade of the cause of your halting. beomgyu doesn’t process where or what he’s on, immediately hitting the brakes and swiftly kicking the bike stand to leave it aside so he can–”hey hey hey, are you okay?”

you’re laughing. you... are laughing. falling from a bicycle after hitting into a tree, the first thing you do is laugh? that’s it, beomgyu thinks, you’re a goner. amnesia has struck, you’re a lost cause.

“that was–”your laughter gets in the way of speaking, clutching onto your stomach as you sit up with beomgyu’s aid and his eyes are frantically searching all over to see where it might hurt. he cradles you with an arm, the other lightly lingering over your abdomen, “does it hurt here?”

“–absolutely hilarious!” you snicker, shaking your head as you look up to him, “i’m okay, i think it’s just my ankle that’s a little busted,”

“a-ankle?” his eyes widen slightly, now realising he hadn’t noticed–”shit!”

when you’re able to support yourself, he crawls over towards your ankle to examine the reddish mark along your skin. it’s a small patch, but it’s definitely an indicator that–”ah!” you softly exclaim, just as his fingers test the waters by putting a bit of pressure. you watch as he swallows thickly and tells you to stay here, i’ll be right back. before you can call out to him, he’s already dashing towards his discarded bicycle, retrieving a pouch from the basket hooked to his bicycle. he rushes back to you and unzips the pouch, pulling out a tube of cooling gel that–”ooh... that feels nice,”

“yeah?” he glances up to notice the small smile on your face, before looking back down to tending to your minor injury, “that’s good.”

when he’s done rubbing the gel onto the red marks on your skin, he carefully helps you up. he uses a hand to put the strands of your hair back in place, a pout now forming on his lips. “you should’ve told me before we started cycling that you didn’t know how to stop.”

your hands meekly reach for his waist, lightly tugging him closer that naturally, he follows suit without knowing.

“i... i thought i’d be able to remember once i was on the wheel,”

“...that’s bullshit,”

“...not fooling anyone, huh?”

“i’ll teach you next time before we’re anywhere near cycling again until you know how to hit the brakes,” he huffs, shoving the gel back into the pouch before he squints his eyes at you.

“...loud and clear, boss.”

“...”

“...”

“...got it?” he lightly nudges the side of your head, a smile threatening to form when he sees how you grin at him, hands squeezing his waist, already stretching out the smile on his face so effortlessly when you repeat back to him: “got it.”

tl;dr: introducing, mr. everyone-expects-me-to-be-crazy-but-i’m-actually-calm-and-level-headed because sure, he has his loud and crazy moments but when you get hurt or injured, that all flies out of the window and he’ll try to be as rational as possible. he’ll try to be calm, knowing that is the best thing you need but he might slip a couple of jokes here and there to lighten the mood and make you feel better emotionally, not just physically. sweet ol’ beoms will think about your condition and how you feel, and would definitely try to sweeten things up after as a little pick-me-up treat.

[🐿] taehyun it wasn’t an irregular occurrence to cook whenever you were over at the dorm with the boys. sometimes, oftentimes it can be a bit chaotic with how things are in trying to prepare food for six people in one sitting. there’s a sort of system whereby yeonjun’s manning the main fort of cooking with you as his sous chef, taehyun and kai are in charge of the drinks with soobin and beomgyu in the living room setting things up, choosing a show or bickering back and forth (it’s usually a mix of all three chopped up into pieces, really). speaking of chopping, in the midst of you trying to dice the vegetables for yeonjun to pan-fry, a small mishap causes the entire house to grow silent after the initial gasps.

before you can process what had happened, it’s like you’re being steered in autopilot out from the kitchen and is now seated by the dining table with what seems to be a mini first aid kit by your side. the atmosphere has gone quiet, but in reality, it’s yeonjun and soobin trying to take over the situation by letting taehyun tend to you, while they tend to the rest of the kids.

“does it hurt?” taehyun asks, voice softly echoing into your ears as your eyes fixate on how gentle yet swift his movements are to tend to the cut on your finger. you shrug, “it’s a bit of a sting but–son of a bitch,” the words take over just as you feel the sharp-like needle pain penetrating your nerves. taehyun’s eyes widen with worry but you can tell he’s trying to keep his cool, quickly picking up the pace so the pain doesn’t drag out longer than it should.

within a couple of minutes, and discarded scraps later, your cut is secure with a pink-yellow-bear-heart bandage that makes you chuckle at the sight of it, that gets taehyun’s attention when he carefully cradles your hand, gauging your reaction of how you’re feeling. “this is cute,” you wiggle your finger around, eliciting a chuckle from him. “yeah, huening went crazy when he saw them for sale and bought a ton to stock up in our first aid kit,”

“it’s adorable!” you hear an echo bellow from the kitchen, to which the both of you promptly brush over with a quiet laugh.

“you okay?” taehyun’s voice directs your attention back on him, and the way his thumb gently caresses the back of your hand makes you smile. “yeah, i’m okay. thank you, for asking and for tending to my battle wounds,”

he snorts, “battle wounds my ass,”

“...that is a nice ass,”

there’s a small pause of silence before the two of you burst into laughter. the kind that reassures taehyun that you’re doing okay, the kind that goes easy on your nerves and lifts the tension in the room. when the hilarity subsides, taehyun jolts a little at the way you grip onto his hand to pull it to your lips, planting a soft kiss to the back of his hand that makes his heart melt on the spot.

“thank you, tae.”

he returns the gesture by lightly tugging your hand towards his direction, where he’s able to press a kiss to the back of your hand, “you’re welcome.”

tl;dr: introducing, mr. calm-and-collected-but-might-be-stunned-the-first-few-seconds. while i know everyone sees taehyun as the most rational and level-headed one (which i do too!) but i think he might get stunned the initial first ten seconds before he processes what he should do and does just that. once he’s past that stage of realising what happened, mr. robot is on the way with caring and tending to your needs 101% and no less! though, after things ease out and everything is better, he might be that nagging aunt that pokes at you to be more careful every now and then (but it’s all in good intention just so you’re safe and careful always) in kang taehyun we stan

[🐧] kai it wasn’t out of the ordinary for you to change in the bedroom, despite kai curled up in bed, scrolling on his phone with his attention on you when you begin changing. it makes you a bit giddy, tossing your shirt at his face that he peels off with a snort. the lighthearted atmosphere fades when you notice kai’s smile fading as he stares at a spot on your body. it makes you self-conscious that you look down on yourself; dressed in an oversized shirt and a pair of cotton shorts.

“what?” you try to shake it off, trying to back away when he sits up towards you but his hand already catches your hand to tug you closer gently.

“did you hurt yourself?” he asks, brows furrowed as he continues to stare but you have absolutely no idea what this boy is on about. you attempt to muster up a reply but–”there’s a bruise here,” kai points out, finger hovering over a spot at the side of your thigh which takes quite an effort for you to crane your neck for a peek.

“oh,” you sound surprised (because you are), “i had no idea,”

you turn the cheek to look back at your boyfriend, who seems to have checked out of the conversation for what feels like a minute, before he’s pushing the blanket off and muttering a soft stay here as he scurries up and out the bedroom. you remain standing there, half-debating if you want to go after him but just as you turn around to head towards the bedroom door, it swings open to reveal the entirety of kai trudging in and making you sit on the bed.

with a soft oof, you do as you’re directed, watching as kai grabs an ointment cream and begins rubbing it gently on your bruise. the pain is minuscule, it stings just a little but it’s nothing you can’t handle. you have your hands on your lap, fiddling with your fingers as you watch him fixate on helping you ease the bruise away with plenty of effort. when it feels like it’s enough, he puts the ointment cream aside and peeks up to your face to see you already smiling at him. despite how pretty you looked, he remembers that he’s supposed to–“how could you not notice that bruise right on your thigh?”

you chuckle, shaking your head as you gently ease your hands onto his shoulders, somehow easing the muscles that tense along the expanse of his back, “...i mean... you out of all people can’t call me out on that when you were blind to your own bruises,”

he takes a deep intake of air and exhales calmly, using a hand to curl around your waist as he looks up to you, “...okay, that’s fair.”

there’s this shared moment of tranquility; one that reassures you that kai’s reliable to take care of you and one that reassures him that it’s the same for him, too.

"just be careful, okay?” kai says, lightly pinching your hip.

“as long as you be careful, too.”

he holds up his pinky finger, “promise,”

almost too easily, your pinky locks with his, “promise.”

tl;dr: introducing, mr. i-might-look-clueless-but-i-kinda-know-what-i’m-doing-but-am-i-doing-it-right? while i think it is possible for kai to be that clueless boy who might have zero idea on what to do, i do see it as a “short-circuit moment” that he’d need to recollect himself before he springs into action and does it well. if not, he’ll definitely be up for pointers on how he can improve and do better and overall, kai’s just a precious sweetheart who would want to take care of you at all times (even if he doesn’t know how to at times).

[quietwingsinthesky]

I mean rn I wish you would write a fic w a description of 11089 so I can draw them 👉👈 :lookingaway:

bold of you to assume i even know what they look like alsjfjgljdksk

things i know about 11089’s appearance (revealed to me as if receiving prophecy):

1) You know those posts about how the ultimate image of androgyny in our society ends up being people who are skinny and hairless and sexless? so there’s our starting point, the horror story of that being forced upon you because it’s more useful for you to be as similar to the rest of the crew as possible because then you can simply be quantified by the amount of resources you can provide versus those you take. because every single time i think about this spaceship, it becomes an even more dystopian situation because how else would they survive when they were underprepared and have no way of getting help.

1a) what i’m saying is there’s a very good reason they’re instantly fascinated by visual modes of self-expression like dyeing hair. (similarly fascinated by other bodily changes, whether natural, like when Donna gets a burst of freckles across her face when she’s been out in the sun, or unnatural, absolutely transfixed by piercings and good for them.)

1b) they are going to be so much better off once they’re living on the TARDIS and can put on some weight and some muscle from running around with aliens and let their hair grow out all fluffy and uneven (and eventually accidentally turn it orange through hair bleach mishaps and keep it that way)

2) related, but they tend to prefer bright colors on other people rather then themself, for the most part. fun sometimes but attention-grabbing in a way that layered shades of gray are less so. so however they dress, it’s with a trend towards darker colors with little splashes of brightness from accessories or such.

3) set in stone for me now is the idea that where this story ends up going is ‘Someone Has To Keep An Eye On Donna And Her Completely Human Friend, John Smith’. If a Donna can’t survive being a human metacrisis or whatever with all the Doctor’s memories in her little human brain, why should Ten 2.0 be any different. Donna gets mindwiped, but Ten Again goes voluntarily to keep living, to stay near her, a measure that will mean if her memory starts itching her about some ‘Doctor’, she’ll associate his face with John instead and stop digging.

Which wraps back around to 11089 because I’m now very attached to Another Ten getting FOB watched and 11089 wearing it on a chain at all times. It’s definitely a totally normal and reasonable burden for them to carry their friends’ lives around their neck. this is very healthy behavior and does NOT show a lack of ability to set boundaries in situations that will end up hurting them or a need to prove that they can be useful that overrides everything else. they’re fine. this will not end up going horribly wrong as the guilt of hiding these things from people they love gnaws at them, and they start looking for any other solution only to find dead end after dead end and get desperate enough to start thinking ‘well, if the doctor couldn’t figure it out, maybe if we had another timelord-’

3a) but that’s not important. what’s important is watch on a chain that they can never ever open.

[flfverse]

TRANS KIRI RIGHTS!!!!!

Oh my god I read it last night before bed and it’s ALL I could think about!!! And it’s STILL all I can think about!!! I’m so in love with this concept and so glad you ended up writing this. The slow realization, the denial, the imposter syndrome, the perceived selfishness—it’s all soooo good and really speaks to what I feel like is kind of this internalized orientationism that exists unconsciously in the greater society of your worldbuilding from which a lot of the trans issues or Hawks’s internalized subphobia (is that a thing? Is now) kind of stem insidiously. Kirishima is like “I’m a dom! It’s my job to protect ppl and I’m a hero anyway so it all works out!” But that’s a trap he doesn’t realize he’s stuck in until he’s really forced to confront it, and I’m soooo in love with how you handled him avoiding the issue until it blew up in his face (because I’m an angst/hurt/comfort lover). Got all the swoopy feelings in my stomach about it and even when I go back to read it again I still get em 🩵

Kiri’s evolution is something I’m so excited to read further about… I really hope you’ll explore him trying to hide it from his friends, who are so used to using him as a dom sounding board when they need help. I can’t imagine he’ll find it easy to give up that role easily, since he cares so much for his friends and wants to support them in any way he can, and also because I wonder if the weight of their expectations will be hard to get out from under without outing himself? Like I can just see Sero torn on the sidelines watching Kirishima do things that hurt himself but not knowing how to intervene in a way that respects Kirishima’s boundaries but also is healthy for him?

Which also makes me wonder about our dear, beloved, hyper vigilant Aizawa-sensei… because I’m an ever-guilty Aizawa lover…….!! But that aside, my excuse for bringing him is that I think he would at least notice something off with kirishima and his dynamic w the class (unless he’s not their teacher at this point? Tbh I’m admittedly not sure how school is looking for these kids at this point in your story ehehe). But I can also picture sero going to him like “girl help! My bf is (redacted) and he’s hurting himself over it and idk what to do!” Or also kiri showing up in the office like “Sensei help! I’m (redacted) and idk what to do!” And Aizawa being like “well I can’t help if I don’t know the root of the problem but also I respect boundaries so….”

Sorry got carried away a bit. But the point is! I loved this fic and CANT wait to see where you’ll take it next.

Enjoy your hiatus! You’ve more than earned it. Until the next update, I’ll be lurking on old chapters and poking you in your asks 🩵

—V

TRANS!!! KIRI!!! RIGHTS!!! 🩵🩵🩵

oh yeah, i definitely want to explore him hiding things from the others. we loveee that angst. i don’t know when i want him to come out…in Cross the Line i did write a little throwaway convo about him and sero both being doms before i decided to hit him with the trans beam, and i’m still undecided on what to do about that. they’re all around 23 at that point, which is a pretty long time to hide, so i might change it. i can definitely see him only coming out to a few people for the sake of his hero career….we’ll see.

aizawa is definitely still around! in my head they keep the same homeroom teacher bc i loveee dadzawa and it makes sense?? right?? if he’s training them?? yeah.

i lowkey forgot he would be around noticing all of this but yeah, he would definitely notice the dynamic was off and be like, waiting for the right excuse to poke at the issue. and sero would absolutely come to him well before kiri would :(( ack i’m making myself sad thinking about him now

i like this version of kiri (and all versions of trans kiri) bc he has this kind of comedic level of emphasis on manliness and being the steady unwavering rock for his friends, which is very wholesome, but also BUDDY. you need to base your identity on more things than that. i think it is very genuine, which is why i love him, but also you could play it like he’s compensating, like if he just says it enough it’ll be true.

augh. enough sadkiri thoughts. let’s think about puppykiri again and ask the REAL question which is: why does his costume have a psuedo-muzzle, hm? what’s happening here

thank you for coming to my ted talk. i think the next little edition of this mini saga will just be focused on kiri and sero and puppy play (and some trans feelings), but after that it’d be fun to do some angst. or before. depends which i finish first, i guess?

[sohya]

what is your gym routine if you don’t mind answering?

ahh omg first thing i should say is like i'm not really consistent w going to the gym bc my job hours are very poopy but also i'm very gym shy and when i go to the gym i go with my cousin and she acts like my pt kinda but i'm slowly transitioning to going by myself. also i just recovered from covid so it's been a week since i've last been to the gym.

i definitely recommend looking up workouts on tiktok and ig. read the comments as well because you might watch someone do a workout thinking it looks easy but their form might be completely wrong so yeah. one person my cousin and i use on ig is dianaconforti.fit

but for my routines i usually just do 4-5 sets and 8-12 reps of each depending on the weights i also use. for my back, last time i did it, i did 4 sets of 10 lat pull downs. i did 10kg for the first set n it felt too easy so i went up to 15kg and it almost killed me so i went back to 10kg for the third and went up to 15kg for the last set but just did 8 reps. and then single arm cable rows, 10kg on each arm and 4 sets but 2 on each arm with 10 reps. and i would've kept going with proper cable rows but i wanted to get out of the gym bc more were more people were coming. but this time i wanna finish that whole set with pull ups (2 sets of as many reps as possible [amrap]).

a really good full body workout that i like is kettlebell swings and i usually do 2 sets of amrap and i usually use 20kg to give myself a challenge. for arms, i stick with dumb bell exercises, i can't remember the names of them but you can easily find tiktoks for arm workout ideas. just remember if you're trying to make your arm not as muscly, don't use heavier weights. the lighter ones are the ones to go with if you just want tone them or make them leaner.

and omg my favourite workouts are for sure legs/glutes. rdls, squats, hip thrusts are the ones i love doing the most. bc it's the most painful workout for me so the masochist in me loves it. if you're a beginner, rdls can be really tricky so i recommend watching tons of videos to see how to do it properly and then practice your form in the mirror in your own room. for me what i remember is to start with my hips and push it out. and then i bend my knees just a bit as my back starts going down. keep your back straight as you do and idk when you look at the form in the mirror just remember how every part of your body feels like muscle memory works for me. i usually do 4 sets as well and just 10 reps with 8kg weights. with hip thrusts, my gym has a hip thrust machine so i thankfully don't have to use those huge weights but i usually go 10-15kg weights on both sides. i follow the 999 workout where it's 9 hip thrusts, 9 kas glute bridges and then a 9 second hold and it kills my glutes so bad omg.

take everything i've said w a grain of salt, i get a lot of gym tiktoks and thats where all my knowledge has come from, if not from my cousin. i'm also going to start finishing my workouts off with 25 minutes on the stair master on level 6 to get rid of my back fat and also the cardio helps lose fat overall. also, 'helps' assuming you're also on a calorie deficit diet but i don't count the calories i eat bc i quite frankly can't be bothered and i like eating foods that i know probably fills up what should be a healthy calorie intake in a day. but yeah idk i just do what i want to do but i'm also forcing myself to be more proactive to better myself :)

[skinnybitxhhh]

+*doing this all at once bc I can't sleep*+

Just gonna complete this here and now because I've got fuck all better to do

I don't really know what constitutes 'stats' because there's a lot of crossovers with the other questions by my definition, but anyways. I'm 125lbs at the moment, my highest I weighed was around 140lbs and the lowest weight I've ever been was 118lbs back in March.

I'm 5"4 which is 163cm. I don't really like my height, it doesn't suit me, I feel like I should either be super tall or super short.

Don't really have a favourite thinspo, I just mindlessly browse.

I don't really have any fears about weight loss. I used to worry about the infertility that could come with it but I've grown to despise children.

I want to lose weight because I'm ugly as fuck and may as well be skinny.

I go through phases, typically over the span of about a month, though I haven't really properly relapsed with the restriction recently; I lose my appetite for about a week so I eat a lot less, I have a normal appetite for about 2 weeks, then I binge for about a week. Idk why I binge.

My mother knows that I restrict because my school councillor told her, but I think she thinks its just another method of self harm for me. She hates when I try to lose weight, because the rest of my family are very obese so they think I'm already very thin.

Don't have a workout routine, if I'm looking to burn some easy calories I either do bed workouts, apartment friendly HIIT workouts or I skip; it literally burns like 200 calories if you skip at a decent rate for 15 minutes it's insane.

Shockingly not, I've only ever had positive comments about my body, because my weight is distributed mainly to my ass and boobs, but I still hate it.

The hardest thing I'm giving up is definitely yoghurt and granola.

Don't have one.

I used to go flat out starvation to lose weight, but right now I'm eating around 1000 calories and exercising, mainly because I have to eat breakfast and dinner or else my mother will catch onto my relapse.

It's not very healthy but it's not too extreme, I high res usually because people don't tend to notice.

I use l o s e r t o w n to calculate how long my weight loss should take on average. My UGW at the moment is 108lbs, and so I should reach that in around 2 months, give or take.

I was vegetarian for about a year when I was 13/14, and my weight absolutely skyrocketed, so I completely refuse to go vegetarian or vegan again.

When I was 11 and found out that 'if you have an eating disorder, you become skinny', and so I was determined to give myself an eating disorder, so I would be super skinny and everyone would like me. Halfway there, 11 year old me.

I strongly believe that eating disorders are one of the only psychiatric disorders that can be accurately self diagnosed. CAMHS has been literally no help to me at all, have given me no support or evaluation besides a single phone call 6 months ago, so I'm taking it into my own hands, as it gets to a certain point where I'm doing everything in the book to try and lose weight, there's something wrong.

Scotch eggs. Such a random food but they trigger binges every single time I eat them, but they're so incredibly tasty.

10th August, my birthday. Before then, the last time I ate fast food was a year before on my birthday.

I don't follow diets often currently, but previously my go-to diet was the OMAD diet. I was doing it unintentionally periodically for about a year before I found out it was an actual thing.

UK sizing now, my jeans are a size 10/12, I don't know my shirt sizing because I wear baggy jumpers usually but I think I'm an S/XS in shirts?

Lowest weight was 118lbs, I gained it back because I was absolutely ravenous and couldn't be fucked continuing with the E.D shit because I had to prep for my GCSE's. Education isn't compulsory for me anymore at A-level though so I'm not really bothered if my eating affects my grades, as I can just drop out and start again next year or learn a trade.

Yes, it influences most people with e.d's I think even subconciously, hence the prevalence of eating disorders has risen insanely as the media expands.

Pro-Ana and Pro-Mia honestly get a bad rep; it's mainly just people who are pro-ana/mia for themselves, as a solid 99% of people I see aren't encouraging people who want to recover, or don't actively already have e.d's.

Yes, it was awful. I can purge decently well now but I almost always avoid it and just overexercise and restrict because it absolutely murders my throat

Just being skinnier. Not even people noticing, just feeling a bit more confident in my own skin.

I don't. If I'm fasting, I avoid food at all costs. If I have to eat, I will eat, and then exercise like fuck later on.

Kinda; I don't really want toothpick legs, but I hate the amount of fat that I hold on my thighs.

It sounds mad considering I have an eating disorder, but I really struggle to categorise people by their attractiveness. Even romantically, I used to date people who I found funny and interesting as opposed someone who was super conventionally attractive. My definition of beauty is literally everyone other than me.

10 facts about me:

I study law, criminology, psychology and english literature

I love reading a lot

I overthink and overanalyse things

I clean a lot when I get stressed, as it keeps me occupied.

I can play guitar pretty ok, I'm decently musically talented

I enjoy watching south park, the walking dead and documentaries.

I own far too many blankets; the cost of living crisis will not affect my warmth.

The concept of becoming an adult and needing to do adult things like filling out forms or speaking to people makes me extremely anxious, even more so now as I'm nearing adulthood.

I have 5 pet cats :)

I have been told that I'm extremely boring, and have the personality of an old person. They're not lying though, I love knitting, baking, doing sudoku's, watching documentaries and sitting indoors.

You're welcome, I'm sure that reading through this entire post was absolutely riveting, enthralling, a life changing experience.

[tendouluvr]

hq!! boys packing your lunch

- characters: ushijima, iwaizumi, tsukishima, osamu, hinata

- warnings: none, v domesticy

- wc: 254, 254, 170, 238, 171

a/n: need someone to make me food ;w;

USHIJIMA

#! hc that he does know how to cook

#! he’s not a chef, but he can say he knows how to cook

#! also very healthy

#! not overbearingly healthy, he eats snacks sometimes and doesn’t ever stop you from eating yours

#! he wanted to let you sleep in for a bit later today so he took it upon himself to make lunch

#! so he got the ingredients out, put on an apron, and got to cooking

#! he started the rice cooker first so it can cook while he works on other stuff, then he took a pan out to sauté some veggies and proteins to go with your rice, and finally he made a simple soup so you both had something to wash down the food with

#! while packing it for you, he made sure to throw in some of your favorite snacks so you can munch on them throughout the day

#! also put in a small container of some fruits that was still in the fridge waiting to be eaten

#! his note (ink a bit smudged from his left hand and messy handwriting. it was weirdly tucked in your lunch bag, the edges were a bit folded in because he sandwiched it in between the walls of your bag and the container): you should sleep in more so i can cook more. today i give you 3 fruit snacks. tomorrow, who knows? eat. - toshi

#! bonus points for making you giggle with the note

IWAIZUMI

#! he definitely knows his food pyramid

#! always making sure you’re eating enough and getting a sufficient amount of nutrients, vitamins, aminos, the good stuff

#! he never limits you on snacks though, but if he does notice that that’s all you’ve been living off of then ok, he might step in

#! likes to cook pastas

#! you can make a lot of different things with pastas, there’s so many variations and types and it’s all around yum

#! sometimes he prepares the food the night before to save on time the next morning, plus you’ll end up having to microwave the food anyway so no point in cooking it the morning of

#! packs you delicious flavorful pasta, some extra protein of your choice to go with it, sometimes a light salad in the smallest section of the container — unless you really like it then he’ll give you a separate container of salad —, a granola bar, and whatever you quickly throw in before you leave

#! he eats practically the same but his portions are a bit bigger since he trains and weight lifts so it makes sense for him to eat more

#! his note (looks rushed but his handwriting is just jumbled like that. writes on cute little note pads, there are hearts. he gently sticks it on the side of your container): hi :) i hope work isn’t kicking your butt today, but eat well and get your energy back, baby. see you at home - hajime

TSUKISHIMA

#! pre-made frozen food 🥶

#! jk..

#! he loves you, but he’s probably just going to pack some leftovers in the fridge

#! but if he had to cook because the fridge was simply empty, then maybe a sandwich

#! he eats a sandwich for lunch, so why can’t you

#! buuuttt since he loves you, then maybe the sandwich isn’t plain and he uses good bread and puts in good fillings

#! don’t worry, he toasts the bread even though it’ll probably be soft by lunch time but it’s the action that counts

#! throws in a snack or two i guess

#! also tucks in a few bucks so you can buy something if you’re still hungry (you are)

#! his note (placed right on top of everything. first thing you see when you open your bag. ugly chicken scratch): i took the end piece for you, never think i don’t love you ever again. - k (small doodle next to his name. it’s something new every time)

OSAMU

#! free food for life at his restaurant

#! if your work is near his restaurant, then you both don’t really bother with packing lunch since you can just walk over and eat something

#! but if you work a bit far away, then he makes sure to pack you fresh onigiris handmade by the one and only (him)

#! kind of gives you a little too much because he has no limit and you bring home two uneaten onigiris

#! he gets sad (like this -> 😞, shoulders fallen, dramatic) thinking you didn’t like it so you have to reassure him you did but he just gave you too much

#! straightens up and gobbles it down himself

#! besides onigiris, he likes to make you your favorite dish, whether it’s a foreign dish or a traditional japanese meal, he can do it all

#! he knows you like the convenience store near your work so he pops in some money so you can buy snacks from there

#! plus a complimentary mint

#! restaurant courtesy, he says

#! his note (he writes with his paper at an angle so it looks like italics. he likes to fold it as small as possible and throws it in there for you to find. always starts with YOU FOUND IT): YOU FOUND IT, hope you like today’s lunch, babe ;) made something new today ~ ever tried onigiris? - your osa :3333

HINATA

#! you guys haven’t had time to go grocery shopping to restock on food

#! so all you had in your house was a few things to make something but that something isn’t enough to be something

#! hinata made you a sandwich.

#! and not the fancy kind like tsukishima, no, he makes you the most wonder bread, driest, bread-meat-cheese sandwich ever

#! no condiments, nothing to help the dryness and lack of flavor

#! your side dish is just some extra slices of bread <33

#! he slides a 20 in there as an apology and an extra 10 cuz he loves you

#! his note (never grew out of the kindergarten handwriting. colored pensss. doodles everywhere. basic yellow sticky notes, but the colored pens make up for it. slapped onto your sandwich in a bag): heyyy cutie ;) y’know i’m starting to see why men didn’t want to make sandwiches j kiddinngg i tried :( if you’re still hungry though there’s some money in there <33 - i can shoyo the world ~~

[bnhatrashcanons]

bnha boys with a chubby/plus size partner

w/ shoto todoroki, katsuki bakugou, eijiro kirishima, hiryu rin, and kosei tsuburaba

genre: pure unadulterated pluff

a.n. i love class b thanks bye

shoto todoroki

doesn’t really have a preference with a partners looks, he really cares about personality, goals, and drive and ambition. but he finds everything about you pretty and beautiful even when you don’t.

he’s careful to not squeeze or push on your softer parts if he thinks it will make you insecure but somedays he can’t help it. you’re so soft, warm, and inviting

loves snuggling with you, especially with you on his right side when he gets a little too cold.

likes to buy you clothes that accentuate your hips and thighs. he’s not slick about staring at you. the slight smile pulling at the sides of his lips while he watches you walk. 

he understands you have your insecure moments, and he’s not good with words but shows through his actions how astonishing he finds you.

leaves hickeys and kisses on your thighs and stomach. those spots are just for him. so he’s gonna love and kiss all the spots shown only for him.

katsuki bakugou

someone who would probably prefer a thicker partner, but doesn’t really care. but the thought of you choking him with your thighs makes him a little weak.

doesn’t understand your insecurities? you’re so sexy and hot to him so like you can’t be ugly why do you have days you feel like that? doesn’t understand it genuinely.

and he voices those opinions to you. he doesn’t mean to sound callous and rude he’s just being as honest as he knows how to be. you get offended when he dismisses your insecurities but he genuinely loves the way you look. and it took a few arguments for you to realize that but it makes you smile.

squeezes your thighs with enough force to bruise. doesn’t mean it. really doesn’t mean to hurt you. he just loves feeling it.

please let him use those thighs as earmuffs. 

likes to press kisses onto your thighs.

ass smacks. he will send you forward with the force. you won’t be able to sit good luck with that

is the type to bark and bite people who even breathe at you wrong

eijiro kirishima

definitely wants thicker person. won’t turn anyone down if you aren’t on the chubbier side of things. but he loves it. he wants to continuously squeeze and love on his partner, a firm believer of the heavier partner means there’s more to love.

tells you how beautiful you are every day, you can’t be insecure with eijiro around. he loves you so much and he wants you to know it every second of every hour 

his favorite part of your body is your tummy. kisses it consistently, gives it gentle pats and rubs. also loves your ass. likes to lay his head on it when you snuggle. 

also loves snuggling with you consistently. he needs you in his arms. always.

is your biggest hype man. the moment you come out in an outfit you were not so sure about he will scream and cheer when you walk out in it, hands roaming all over your body, kissing your cheeks and lips letting you know you’re the most gorgeous person he’s ever laid his eyes on. 

hiryu rin

this!!!! is all he’s ever asked for!!! please he’s dying for a chubby partner he wants one so badly. you’re so warm and soft and thats what he needs.

especially during the winter time. he’ll be stuck to you like a leech. you’re warm and hes shaky and chilly but you, his lovely partner, warm him up within an instant. he’s so content laying in your arms, between or on your thighs, on your stomach, he’s flooded with so much warmth.

your softness is such a nice change from the roughness of his skin and quirk. he appreciates it. 

loves making traditional chinese food for you to try :)

tummy pats/rubs whenever you eat because he knows it can get difficult for you and he just wants to show you hes proud of you 

still slept with a stuffed animal until he started seeing you and its the same thing and he feels so comfortable falling asleep around you

you never feel less than beautiful around him, and he makes sure of that. reassures you everyday that you’re the most ethereal being he’s ever laid eyes on.

if you try to argue he counters with “well i’m one of the smartest in the class so i know better than you.” with a little poke of his tongue

kosei tsuburaba

listen he’s just happy someone wants him okay he’s happy to be included. doesn’t have a preference for body type either, he just wants someone who really and truly loves him

he knows you get insecure days, he does too, but he does his best to cheer you up. he tries to never let you get too down. he’s got a 5/6 for got your back for a reason. 

loves to try new foods with you, your dates consist mostly of trying new places

healthy relationship weight is absolutely a thing with kosei, and he doesn’t mind and hopes you don’t either.

crush him with your thighs please.

let him go out in his dream way

he wants it so bad.

suffocate him.

[cyndavilachase]

I’m Looking Forward Now 💖Thank you and good bye

So, it’s been a little over a week since Steven Universe Future ended… 

I’ve been hesitant to write this, honestly, but I’m tired of holding myself back from properly expressing myself in fear of appearing overly invested in the media I consume, even in private. Writing helps me organize my thoughts and feelings, and I feel like these thoughts in particular may resonate with many, so I want to share them. I want to talk about what Steven Universe has done for me personally, both as an artist, and as a person.

I’ve been around since the day the first episode of the original series aired. I actually remember when Steven Universe was just a logo on Wikipedia’s “List of Upcoming Cartoon Network Shows” list, back when I was a freshman in high school. It piqued my interest, but when commercials finally dropped for it, I thought it was going to be bad because of the way marketing handled introducing Steven as a likeable character. There was still something about it that made me want to give it a chance though, so I went online and watched the pilot before the first episode's release. I was hooked immediately. I knew I was going to love it, and I did. I fell so absolutely in love with Steven as a character, and the world that he and the gems lived in. I became obsessed. I was always so excited for new episodes to come out. Little did I know what else it would do for me as I went through my adolescence alongside it.

As the show progressed, it was evident that what I wanted out of a western animated childrens’ cartoon was finally coming into fruition: this show was becoming serialized. There was continuity, there was plot, there was character development-- it was getting deep. It was pushing the groundwork that Adventure Time laid out even further (thank you, Adventure Time).  

I will give credit where credit is due: earlier western childrens’ cartoons I grew up with like Hey Arnold, and Rugrats, among others, also touched on heavy topics, but Steven Universe was able to take similar ideas (and even more complex ones, concerning mental health and relationships) and expand on them outside of contained episodes and/or short arcs. These themes, which were a part of the show’s overarching story, spanned across its entirety. Continuity was rampant. 

What did this mean? It meant kids cartoons didn’t have to be silly and fun all the time and characters weren’t just actors playing a part in 11-minute skits. Steven and the gems would remember things that happened to them, and it affected them and how they would function and play a part in their story. This was a huge deal to me as a teenager. I always wanted the cartoons I grew up with featuring kid characters to feel more. In my own work, I often felt discouraged when combining a fun, cutesy western art style with themes as dark or layered as anime would cover. I always thought it had to be one or the other because an audience wouldn’t take a combination of the two seriously enough, based on discussions I had with classmates, friends, and online analysis I read at the time. Steven Universe proved to me otherwise. This show was opening the door for future cartoons exploring in-depth, adult concepts. I felt so seen as a kid, and was inspired to stick with what I love doing.

I was actually very worried about the show’s survival. It was in fact immensely underrated and the fandom was miniscule. Then in 2014, JailBreak dropped, and it’s popularity exploded. Part of it was because of the complex plot and the themes it was covering like I mentioned, but also because of its representation. 

I remember when fandom theorized that Garnet was a fusion due to grand, tragic reasons. Turns out, she’s simply a metaphor for a very loving w|w relationship. This was huge. I cannot stress how important it is that we continue to normalize healthy canon queer relationships in childens’ media, and Steven Universe finally was the first to do that proper. Introducing these themes offers the chance for a kid to sit there and ask themselves, “Why is this demonized by so many people?” I asked myself exactly that. Ruby and Sapphire were my cartoon LGBT rep. They were the first LGBT couple I ever ecstatically drew fanart of. I was dealing with a lot of internalized homophobia at the time, and they showed me that I was allowed to love women and feel normal about it. The process of overcoming this was a long one, but they played a part in my very first steps into becoming comfortable with my sexuality. I could go on and on about it’s representation in general-- how it breaks the mold when it comes to showcasing a diverse set of characters in design, in casting, and in breaking gender roles. It’s focus on love and empathy. Steven himself is a big boy, but he's the protagonist, and the show never once makes fun of his weight, or any other bigger characters for that matter. It wasn’t hard to see why the fandom had grown so large.

Fandom was always a joy for me. It was a hobby I picked up when I was in middle school, like many of us here did. I would always cater my experience to fun, and fun only. I only started getting more deeply involved in SU’s fandom when I had just turned into an adult. During the summer of 2016, between my first and second year of college, I drew for the show almost every day non-stop when the Summer of Steven event was going on and posted them online. This was a form of practice for me in order to become not just more comfortable with experimenting with my art, but also to meet new artists, make new friends, and learn to interact with strangers without fear. I dealt with a ton of anxiety when I was in high school. When I was a senior applying to art school for animation, I decided I was going to overcome that anxiety. I made plans to take baby steps to improve myself over the course of my 4 years of college. Joining the fandom, while unforeseen, was definitely a part of that process. I started feeling more confident in sharing my ideas, even if they were fan-made. I fell in love with storyboarding after that summer, when I took my first storyboarding class, and genuinely felt like I was actually getting somewhere with all of this. I remember finally coming to a point in my classes where I could pitch and not feel hopelessly insecure about it. I was opening up more to my friends and peers. 

But this process, unfortunately, came to a screeching halt. 

My life completely, utterly crumbled under me in the Fall of 2017 due to a series of blows in my personal life that happened in the span of just a couple weeks. My mental health and sense of identity were completely destroyed. All of that confidence I had worked for-- completely ruined. I was alone. I nearly died. My stay at college was extended to 4 and half years, instead of the 4 I had intended. I lost my love for animation-- making it, and watching it. I could no longer watch Steven Universe with the same love I had for it beforehand. It’s a terrible thing, trying to give your attention to something you don’t love anymore, and wanting so desperately to love again. I dropped so many things I loved in my life, including the fandom.

Healing was a long and complicated road. I continued to watch the show all the way up until Change Your Mind aired in the beginning of 2019, and while I still felt empty, that was definitely a turning point for me with it’s encapsulation of self-love. I was hoping James Baxter would get to work on Steven Universe since he guest-animated on Adventure Time, and it was incredible seeing that wish actually come true. The movie came out and while I enjoyed it and thought highly of it, I was still having issues letting myself genuinely love things again, old and new. It was especially difficult because cartoons were my solace as a kid, when things got rough at home. I remember feeling sad because the show ended, and not getting the chance to love it again like I used to while it was still going.

By the time Steven Universe Future was announced, I was finally coming around. I was genuinely starting to feel excitement for art and animation again. I wasn’t expecting there to be a whole new epilogue series, but happily ever after, there we were! Prickly Pear aired, and the implications it left in terms of where the story was going did it. I was finally ready to let myself take the dive back into fandom in January of this year. My art blew up, something I wasn’t expecting considering my 2-year hiatus. Following this, I was invited into a discord server containing some of the biggest writers, artists, editors, and analysts in the fandom. I had no idea there were so many talented people in the fandom, some already with degrees, some getting their degrees-- creating stuff for it on the side just for fun. The amount of passion and productivity level here is insane, and so is the amount of discussion that has come out of it.

I didn’t realize it at first, but it was actually helping me gain back the courage to share ideas. I lost my confidence in pitching while I was taking the time to heal, and graduating meant there would no longer be a classroom setting I could practice in. This group helped immensely. 

I have made so many friends through this wonderful series, and I have so many fond memories talking to like-minded creatives, getting feedback and a myriad of sources for inspiration, as well as all of the memes and jokes and weekly theorizations that came about as we all waited on the edges of our seats for episodes to air. I needed this so badly, I needed to get back in touch with my roots, when I would go absolutely hog-wild over a cartoon I loved with people who loved it as much I did. Future has been a blessing for me in this way. I graduated feeling like I was back at square-one, but now I feel like I’m on my way again.

It’s 2020 and while I’m doing great right now, I am honestly still recovering from the total exhaustion that followed after graduating a few months ago, and finally leaving the campus where my life fell apart behind. Needless to say, watching Future was like looking into a mirror. Watching one of my favorite characters of all time-- one that grew up with me-- go through so many of the same things I went through not too long ago was absolutely insane to watch unfold. It’s such an important thing too, to show a character go through the process of breaking down over trauma and all the nasty things that come with it, and to have them go on the road to healing. Steven got that therapy. He wasn’t blamed. The gems were called out. The finale was everything I could have ever hoped for. The catharsis I experienced watching it was out of this world.

As I continue my own healing journey, I will always look up to the storyboard artists, revisionists, and designers that I have been following over these past 7 years, as well as the new ones introduced in Future. It's been such a joy watching these artists release their promo art for episodes, talk about their experiences working on the show, and post the work they've done for it alongside episodes airing.

Thank you Rebecca Sugar, the Crewniverse, and the fans, for making this such a truly wonderful and unique experience. Thank you for reminding me that I am, and always will be, an artist, a cartoonist, and a fan. Thank you, my followers, for the overwhelmingly positive response to my artwork. I have had so much fun interacting and discussing the show with you all again over these past few months. Steven Universe and it’s fandom will always have a special place in my heart, and it will always be a classic that I will return to for comfort and inspiration for decades to come. I am sad that the cartoon renaissance is over, but so many doors have been opened thanks to this show. I am so, so excited to see what this show will inspire in the future, and I hope one day I get the opportunity to be a part of that. 

Goodbye Steven, thank you for everything. I wish you healing, and I wish Rebecca and the team a well-deserved rest. ♥️

-Cynthia D.

[trixabke]

Hi! Saw your matchups open and I was wondering if I could get a romantic matchup for HQ? I'm a 5'8-ish girl with Southeast Asian features though I would sometimes be mistaken as East Asian at certain angles. I have long, straight black hair but has like this natural wave at the bottom and dark brown eyes that look closer to black. A bit chubby, but I've been losing weight mostly for health reasons but it does affect what my body looks like (I've been successful thus far!!!). I wear glasses and usually have an alt sense of style, dark makeup, heavy eyeliner, almost all black clothing (ocassional white, navy, maroon, but mostly black). My pronouns are she/they and I'm bisexual male-leaning. I'm an INTP enneagram 5w6 tritype 539, my zodiac sign is Pisces, and my hobbies mostly fall on the artistic side of the scale like drawing, writing, some arts and crafts, but I also like maths (aiming to be an architect bc it's a combo of art and maths) and research (research includes personality types if you can't tell from me giving my mbti up to tritype). I prefer reading to watching because I get bored when I watch movies (I fell asleep during End Game, it was an accident). I'm a social introvert and I'm only talkative or loud when I'm comfortable in a situation, but my social battery drains fast. Most people say I'm cold and scarily professional the first time they meet me, not to mention unreadable (my facial expressions are,,, not too readable, they usually listen to the tone of my voice for clues), but people closest to me say I'm the chillest, most laid-back person with a funny sense of humour that can talk their ear off. I've only ever gotten angry twice in my life and people prefer to avoid pushing me that far bc they said I'm scary when I'm actually angry and not just irritated or annoyed, but they also avoid getting me irritated or annoyed bc they also say my glare is scary. An addition bc I think this may help, people probably don't know if I don't like them because I don't make aggressively snappy comments towards them or hint at it, I simply ignore their whole existence and move on. My ideal type would definitely be someone who at least has the same level of maturity as me or even more and a capable leader (I've always been one of the oldest people in my friend groups and I'm the oldest sibling so I had to lead and be in charge a lot, I don't like being in charge, I'm more of an advisor or right-hand man type of person), I would prefer someone who isn't too boisterous or obnoxious bc people like that drains my energy too much. I most definitely steer myself away from immature and childish people because it forces me into a role I don't want. Maybe someone loyal and understanding would be an ideal as well because well, those two are the bare minimum if I have to be honest. Last but not least in this long ass ask, my love language is mostly quality time with a mix of physical touch (I usually don't like being touched or touching other than people who I see in a romantic and intimate light). Wowhee this is longer than my to-do list for the next five years, hope this much information helps!! Be aware that I'm fasting and have only slept like 4 and a half hrs beforehand. Thank you in advance if you answer my ask! No pressure to get it done quickly. Stay hydrated and healthy!! (This is also one of the first times I'm sending an ask without anon on and I'm kinda,,, nervous lol).

HIII, this was like so sweet :) also, if ur cool w it, u should tell me more abt the tritype thing cuz when I googled it, it seemed really cool. I love the long asks; they literally bring a smile to my face, and I'm so happy u interacted dw u did perfect! NGL, I love ppl w glasses, so u have a soft spot in my heart now <3

(also, the how u guys met part is so long I'm sorry)

(romantic) I match you with...

akaashi:

you guys probably met at a party..like just:

ok so one of your friends probably had a rough day and really wanted to go to this party, and even though u were tired, u wanted to make them happy and caved

they promised to stay away from super huge crowds as a way of thanking you

bokuto happened to convince akaashi to go to that same party

akaashi doesn't really like parties much, but he goes to mediate boktuo

He probably is trying to find bokuto a bathroom (bless the poor man) and like walks into a room of you and your friend + a couple other ppl and is like, YOOO??

because to others, you might blend in, but in his eyes, you stand out

and as the door opens, your eyes move from the conversation to him like staring into the depths of his soul, and he is half scared but also like can't take his eyes off of you because he just thinks ur so perfect

is interrupted when bokuto comes up and jumps on akaashi and announces he did indeed find a place to piss!!

akaashi just leaves, but his mind keeps wandering back to u

then, like god was listening, he sees you sitting down listening to your friends talk and is like admiring you because you look so pretty listening to ur friends talk

ur friend prob notices u getting a little overwhelmed and lets u go back home and thanks u for spending time with them

BUT before you leave, bokuto asks your friend for their number

ok ik, this doesn't make sense, but like: bokuto is not very observant, BUT when his best friend looks, so content watching u (not in a creepy way istg), he knows what he has to do

texts ur friend later and sends akaashi's number to them and tells them to send it to you

ALTHOUGH- I see this as the night akaashi met you, like, something you don't remember but something he always will

u planned to meet up after a little bit, and one day, he just said he liked you, then u just didn't respond because what?? and then u text him a couple days later saying u like him back, and it becomes official (bokuto is really proud of himself for this and tells akaashi he owes him for being so great)

Akaashi has had to deal with bokuto a lot, but I think he enjoys being able to take care of people (don't get me wrong, he loves to be praised and have compliments, he may seem calm, but on the inside, it couldn't be more different)

he understands that u need someone to be there for you instead of you being there for everybody else

he also notices everything, the signs when your social battery is running low, when you start to feel stressed and back away, or after you have just had to be emotional or in a vulnerable situation and just need to be alone

he can tell anything just by the way you blink, no matter how expressive or unexpressive you are

he likes to think very logically as well and knows the right balance of emotion to bring in, especially with you, and when he makes a mistake, he learns from it

sorry from him really does mean sorry, and he will make an effort not to do that same thing again

he also really loves that you enjoy math, him being more of a literature person

it's like a really subtle thing, but in his head, the contrast is so cool [idk if u know what this is, but it's called the olive theory (if you don't, it should be on youtube; just search up like the olive theory from how I met your mother, there is a TikTok sound that has it w like music and I think that one matches the best) but I feel like to him it's that kind of energy, like something that doesn't mean a lot to others, but it's really special to him]

(plz ignore that I just wrote a whole fucking essay on that bullet; I just felt very strongly abt that)

also does really simple little acts for you

like washing your glasses when he gets up in the morning, but always washing them with hot water, so they feel nice and warm when you put them on

if he's at the store and remembers that your toothpaste was running low, he will buy you some

the dates would be pretty chill, probably just the 2 of you somewhere private

like, sitting outside and he's reading while you draw until it gets dark and then stargazing together

if he hears you talking about something a lot, he will probably try and plan it or buy it and surprise you

there is a baseline of maturity in your relationship you both really respect

just a comfortable, safe, and understanding relationship of you both trying to better yourself for each other!

.

.

Yours is so long, oml anyway. I really hope u liked this. I had a lot of fun writing this so ty for sending a rec, and if u see any spelling errors, no, u didn't :)

do not steal my work and claim it as your own

[miladysatsuki]

homura akemi analysis post pwease

so firstly, I am painfully aware I am in the minority here, whoever may be reading this if you disagree w my views on Homhom its free to scroll LOL

CW: PMMM spoilers

Homura was the first character I absolutely fell in love with, like just obsessed. I think its because the way the show is laid out they are obviously trying to lead you to think she’s sus or an antagonist & only after you reach her backstory episode you’re supposed to be sympathetic to how much she’s sacrificed. I always knew right from the beginning she was obviously protecting something, cold characters are almost always using the facade as a form of armour.

Homura in the original timeline has no one, shes just gotten out of the hospital, never had a friend and probably believed for a long time she would not survive. She’s incredibly meek and she doesn’t know herself or who she wants to be at all. Obviously we only get a glimpse at original timeline Homura but its pretty obvious she’s very impressionable. When people heal from something after believing it was sure to kill them, in Homuras case her heart condition, most people go one of two ways: cherishing every moment and valuing their newly gifted life or being incredibly reckless because they’ll only be losing what they were never meant to have to begin with. I think it was a combination of that factor, her existing loneliness and Madokas pure genuine friendship that fuelled Homura to protect her originally.

She was so starstruck by Madokas selflessness to protect other magical girls, animals, and humanity as a whole. Madoka was the exact type of person Homura looked up to. Obviously none of them knew at that point about the inevitable demise once you form your contract so maybe the decision wasn’t AS weighted, but like I said before Homura seems to view her life as expendable, so the cost of devoting herself to protecting Madoka wasn’t the loss of her future, but her newfound purpose. Also I think she definitely only expected to have to reset once. Lol, poor girl you really got trolled.

Outside of wanting to protect Madoka, wanting to be like Madoka, is one of her biggest motivations. She wants to be selfless so Madoka doesnt need to. She essentially wants to give Madoka the long healthy life she was gifted from the universe. Obviously it doesn’t work like that lmao but the whole time she’s trying to take her miracle and let Madoka enjoy it. In her eyes Madoka deserved it more than she did. Madoka was brave and loving so she should get to live the long healthy life. Homura saw herself as none of these things, so the guilt was unbearable. She made her wish first and foremost to protect Madoka the person she valued above all else, but also to give herself a reason to go on. Homura has a very low impression of herself, seeing herself as completely aimless until her wish, at which point she starts to view herself as tool or a stepping stone for Madoka to get to enjoy a life without any sacrifice.

Homura wants to be to Madoka what Madoka was to her which was a glimmering hope for the future. Madoka showed her the value of human connection and love. She is naturally selfless and courageous from somewhere within and Homura isn’t. They are both selfless but it comes from very different motivators. Madoka believes everyone deserves to live with as little suffering as possible & she’s brave enough to step in when help is needed. She cares deeply for every living thing. Homura doesn’t see that far ahead of herself. Obviously its never stated that she has depression or imposter syndrome or survivors guilt but I definitely think she does. She’s selfless only because she sees no value to herself. She’s very timid by nature. When they’re both about to turn into witches and Homura suggests letting themselves turn, that they could give up together, be together as witches forever, this was her true nature slipping back in. Her nature to take whatever is given to her, accept her inevitable demise. Stop looking through to a better future and get stuck looking whats staring her right in the face in that moment. Extremely depressed outlook. I feel like a lot of us can relate to feeling like its not worth fighting for a better future, to just take the pain, that its somehow deserved & at least it’s the fastest way out. This is clearly one of the earlier timelines as she still has her glasses. This moment is probably one of her deepest regrets going forward, and a catalyst to the personality shift from insecure & soft into cold & mysterious. Madoka not accepting the offer of giving up is a blinding reminder how different they are. How obvious it is that she is so much weaker than Madoka. This incident, in combination with Homura being very meticulous about never wasting what little time there is per reset, as well as getting farther and farther away from the original timeline where their friendship formed organically, and not to mention watching Madoka doomed to die or turn into a witch over and over again is the foundation of the emotionally distant Homura we see throughout the final timeline.

I feel like I could definitely say more but like I said before I havent done a rewatch of pmmm is at least a year or two at this point. Even tho I’ve seen it upwards of 10 times I still feel a little bit rusty lmao. It’s on my watch list again tho so maybe I’ll write a deeper analysis once I do!

[airi-p4]

Love in the sky

I wrote this for the @lovebugs-and-snakecharmers LBSC Sprint challenge - Meet cute week event and, once again, I got carried away and broke all the rules. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Prompt: Sitting next to each other on the plane.

Summary: Marinette is going to NY on an international flight for the first time. What she doesn’t know is that the one seated next to her is the popular new band Kitty Section’s guitarist: Luka Couffaine.

Thank you @livrever for checking it for me 💙

AO3

______________________________________

Marinette rushed through the aisle of the plane. She couldn’t believe she almost missed it! her first international trip to the US! Stupid alarm! Of course she was tired. She was so nervous she couldn’t sleep all night… until 5AM… and the plane departed at 10AM… and obviously she had to oversleep. *sigh*

Running, tripping and spinning on her feet, she finally searched for her seat. 38B - aisle seat. Her pink polka dotted suitcase was heavy, but thanks to the cabin attendant she could finally put it inside the overhead bin, while her backpack rested under the seat in front of her. All set, she let her weight fall on the seat at last and let out a deep breath as she fastened her seatbelt.

The doors of the plane closed, and the PA message started: Welcome on board… Security instructions… Marinette wasn’t listening. Her legs were uncontrollably shaking, and her fingers were fidgeting with the laces of her hoodie.

Those nerves and stress couldn’t be healthy.

She examined her surroundings, and, next to her, someone was sleeping. Someone, who appeared to be a young man, with a sleeping eye mask and a face mask on, messy blue hair showing under a knit hat and a blanket covering his body. Overall, it didn't give much more information about her plane's seat neighbor. Not wanting to wake him up, she focused on the rest of the passengers instead. Why were all of them so quiet when she felt her heart could burst out of her chest anytime?

The plane started its runaway and Marinette closed her eyes tightly when it raised from the lane. Once in the air, she started breathing again, but her heart was still beating fast.

"First time on a plane?" a masculine voice beside her asked.

She turned to her side, and looked at the person seated next to her. His eye mask was over his head now, and she could see his blue eyes clearly, while his blue bangs partly covered his eyebrows.

“Y- yes!” she squeaked.

“You’re making me nervous too. Calm down, it’s going to be ok” he assured.

“I- I know!" She said, but her body wasn’t obeying. “I’m sorry...”

The young man sighed. “Look, I’ve been on a plane many times. It’s safe. Why don’t you try to sleep? It’s going to be a long flight.”

“I- I can’t! I’m too nervous! I’ve never traveled alone before, plus my career depends on this trip! I can’t stay calm!”

“Why don’t you try listening to some music, then? It always helps me relax” the young man offered her a sympathetic look.

“Music…?” she blinked. ‘It could work’.

She plugged the earphones and put them in her ears. Then, she scrolled through the music programs on the touch screen in front of her. Classical music? For some reason, it only made it worse. Country music? Not her style. XY? Hell, no. Her eyes stopped at the name of a fairly new band: “Kitty Section”. She played the video called: “Kitty Section's Paris Live Concert”.

“Good choice” the man next to her said when the title started showing on the screen.

Marinette had heard about the band called Kitty Section. They had featured in most of her favorite magazines after they won Eurovision several months ago, but she wasn't familiar with their music. In less than a minute, she was hooked and forgot completely about her surroundings or her nerves.

“Wow!” she mumbled, mesmerized, and the man next to her let out a snicker.

The music was amazing- the rock vibes, their stage presence, the vocalists’ cuteness and high ranged voice, the accurate and insane drums, the gorgeous purple haired bassist… all of them sounded incredible. But the guitarist… the blue haired guitarist was extraordinary- unbelievably good. Not only talented, but also powerful, charismatic and incredibly handsome.

“They’re good, huh?” The man beside her commented and she nodded. She could tell he was smiling under his face mask. She nodded in agreement.

“I had never heard them properly before but damn- they are incredible” Marinette answered, and he laughed. Her fingers tapped rhythmically, following the beat of the song.  “But…" she continued, observing. "I think they could do better. There’s a margin of improvement,” she said with judging eyes.

“Oh, really? How?” The blue-eyed man asked, curious, resting his elbow on the arm rest to get a closer look.

“The costumes,” Marinette pointed out. Then, she reached her backpack under her feet and took out a sketchbook and a pen and started drawing. “The outfits could be improved if they added this, and this” she signaled. “And this-” She kept scribbling while the blue-haired man observed and listened to her suggestions. “And ta-da! Wouldn’t they look even better if they were like this?” She proudly showed him her designs, only to realize she was being embarrassing towards a stranger. “Ah, sorry- I got carried away…” She apologized. But the man took the sketchbook in his hands.

“Let me see,” he said, and she saw how his eyes examined every detail of her drawings. She gulped nervously. It felt like her skills were being tested. But the man took his face mask off and smiled. “Wow, that’s impressive. Fresh, charismatic, unique- and perfectly according to the band's style. I love them" he returned her the sketchbook. "You’re very talented. Are you famous? Do you take commissions?” He asked, and she looked at him speechless.

“I- I’m still a no-one… Is it really impressive?” She looked at him and blushed at the compliment.

“Yes, I think so. What would you do with this outfit?” He asked, showing him a photo of the same band on his smartphone. Her inspiration overflowed as she kept drawing and explaining her ideas. They kept discussing costumes and visual aspects of the band and chatted comfortably for a long time.

"I think Rose should go with something more… daring, bolder. She looks innocent but she's fierce inside. Of course, cuteness is her main trait, so I think she should combine both" she explained, coloring her design with colored pencils. "I think something like this would be perfect for her" she showed him her sketchbook and he was impressed. “As for Juleka-” She continued, turning to a blank page. “She’s so beautiful. I wish she didn’t cover her face so much, even if the mystery look is really attractive too…" She stopped drawing for a moment to admire the bassist on the screen. "Gosh- She's so gorgeous! I wish I was that beautiful” she commented.

“I think you’re even more beautiful than her, you know?” The blue-haired man casually said, and she shyly blushed with a 'no way' frantic arms movements. “What about the guitarist?” he asked, raising an eyebrow with a smug smile.

“Luka Couffaine? OH LORD SHOW MERCY- Have you seen him? And his eyeliner? It should be ILLEGAL to be this HOT” She said, convinced.

“Hmmm… So you like him, huh?” He teased, his smile widening.

“Who doesn’t, really?” She shrugged. “He’s literally the SEXIEST man alive. His eye contact with the camera could kill! Oh, and whenever he gets shirtless on stage or photoshoots? GOD- I almost get a nosebleed EVERY FREAKING TIME! He's TOO DAMN HOT" She fanned herself at the image. "Don’t you agree?" She asked and he blinked twice. "You like him too, right? You have so many photos of them in your phone! I bet he’s making you question your sexuality too, like he does with all my friends! How could anyone resist those blue eyes and his manly features, his soft looking blue hair and- his tattoos..." She looked away from her seat neighbor's blue piercing eyes, and focused at the smartphone screen again, to a close-up photo of Kitty Section’s guitarist. "How did you get these close-up casual photos...?” she asked, and then she noticed the tattoo on his neck. She looked back and forth at the man seated next to her and the one in the picture. ‘It couldn't be, right…?’ And at that moment, when he had a knowing smile on his face- one she knew too well-, she realized who he was seated next to on the plane. Her eyes opened as big as plates and she overheated. He was smirking amusingly at her reaction. “You- You- You are-? Lu-Lu-Luk- It can’t be…”

He nodded to confirm her suspicions and her jaw fell to the floor. “Hi. I think I haven't introduced myself yet. My name is Luka. But I think you already know that. It’s nice to meet you.” He chuckled, straightening his hand for a handshake.

“Oh God, kill me now...” She mumbled, sinking on the table. Luka snickered.

“What’s your name?”

“Ma-Ma-Marinette… I mean- Marinette!” She felt his eyes on her and panicked. “Excuse me- I- I need a moment... This- This is too much- Oh My God...” She stood up and rushed to the end of the plane, not without tripping twice on her way there.

________________________

While Marinette was gone, the two ladies in front of Luka and Marinette’s seats turned to Luka. “Having fun?” They smirked, knowingly. He was chuckling, having real trouble to keep his laugh from escaping.

“Oh, God, Yes. This is so much fun." He wiped the tears that were forming on his eyes. "I think I’ve found our potential new costume designer” he continued laughing under his nose.

“Only that? I think there’s more...” Juleka smirked, and Rose giggled in agreement by her side. He couldn't deny it: his sister was totally right.

Behind Luka's seat, Kitty Section's drummer, Ivan and his girlfriend Mylene had been enjoying the show the blue-eyed pair had been giving. It was definitely more entertaining than any movie. It would have been perfect if they had popcorn to accompany their fortunate first row seats to the hilarious show. They also approved Marinette's designs.

Luka took the chance Marinette wasn't there to freely stand up, go talk to their managers and stretch his legs for a bit.

_________________________

Back at the end of the plane, Marinette drank some juice and moved to the bathroom. She was panicking in front of the mirror, talking to herself.

“OH. MY. GOD. I’m seated next to Luka Couffaine! For at least… 5 hours more!? And I just called him hot! And- And- he said I’m beautiful and talented! And- Oh my God, he asked me for commissions, right? This can’t be real- I-" her feet wiggled uncontrollably and she let out a long squeak. "Ahh… Calm down, Marinette! He’s human- A sexy human, but still human! He’s famous but very friendly, kind and nice. And fun! It’s going to be alright. Just- Avoid his eyes. That’s it. It’s dangerous. Don’t fall in love. You’re not a teenager anymore, you’re over that stage, right? Only a few hours more. You can do it. I CAN DO IT!” She convinced herself with a confident nod and returned to her seat, only to find Luka was gone.

She looked for him from her seat, at her surroundings, but he was nowhere to be found. She sighed in both relief and sadness as she seated.

For some reason, she was missing him. Which was stupid, considering they had just met! But his company was certainly enjoyable... And, moreover, it was FUN. More than she ever remembered having. And not only because she was passionate about fashion or music. It had to do with his aura, his personality, his gentle manners- just... Luka.

“Don’t worry, he’ll be back in a moment” A voice said from in front of her. “My brother is stupid, but he’s a decent person. Treat him well” The purple haired lady winked, beside a petit blond lady.

“Jul-!” She covered her mouth with her hands to stop herself from yelling her name. “And Rose-!?” 'Oh, no! They might have heard what I said too!' She panicked again and the ladies giggled amused.

“Ignore my sister and her girlfriend” Luka returned, and her face flustered when she noticed how tall and well built he was (not that she didn't know that, but it hit differently in first person). “Can I get back to my seat?” He politely asked, pointing at the window seat.

“Ah-! Yes! Of course!” She stood up so suddenly she tripped and fell on Luka’s chest. She immediately moved away in embarrassment, falling back instead, and Luka had to hold her again to avoid her imminent fall. “I’m sorry!”

“Are you ok?” He asked in concern, and she shyly nodded. Luka reluctantly let go of her and returned to his seat and Marinette settled back to hers.

Wait- Was that a blush on his face?

“Here” Luka offered her an envelope. “I don’t know what your plans in NY are but, here’s a VIP pass to our concert next Sunday. There’s also our contact card inside. I want you to consider the idea of working for us. Your costumes are impressive. We discussed it, and we want you in our team” Marinette had no words- totally speechless. Could she be this lucky? “What do you say?” Luka asked with a hopeful tender smile that made her weak.

“I- I’ll think about it. And- Oh God- I’ll totally be there for your concert” She blushed and Luka smiled kindly at her. Suddenly, she started searching inside her backpack, and took out a business card she offered him. “This is my contact. I- I have a fashion event next Monday. I would love you to come, if you can make it. Send me an email and I’ll get you some passes”

“Wow! That's impressive. I'll try to make it. Thank you, Marinette”

Marinette could hear her heart beating faster. No looking in his eyes, dammit. They kept talking for a while, enjoying their time together until they fell asleep out of exhaustion, Marinette’s head resting on Luka’s shoulder. He woke up earlier than her, but didn’t have the heart to wake her up until lunchtime. She looked like she really needed that rest.

When he left half of his lunch untouched, Marinette scolded him. “You have to eat! You’re too thin! Those abs and arms need consistency! Proteins!” She pointed at a photo of him shirtless and flustered again in embarrassment in realization. “Ah-”

Gosh- it really was fun, Luka thought, chucking. It was hard not to laugh out loud. Everything flowed so naturally it was unbelievable.

Damn. He didn’t want the plane to ever land.

“Marinette” he called, during their coffee time, and she looked back at him, redness still on her cheeks. “The plane will land soon but- Even if you don’t accept our offer… Is it possible for us to meet again? Out of business? Like this?”

Marinette flustered at his implications. “Do- Do you mean-?”

“A date. Would you go on a date with me, Marinette? Or just as friends, if you prefer. I like you, and I don’t think I’ve ever had this much fun with anyone else” He took Marinette’s pen and one of his ‘Kitty Section’ contact cards and wrote something behind it. “These are my personal telephone number and email. We'll be in NY until Friday next week. It would make me very happy if you contact me, whenever you prefer, anytime” He said, securing the card in her hands.

Marinette blushed, looked at the card with glowing eyes, and then at his honest loving stare. Was it even possible that the man everyone was gushing about was asking her out? But this had nothing to do with his stage persona. Luka was someone she more than enjoyed spending time with. Naturally, quietly, assuring… She had no doubts about her answer.  

“I want to meet you again, too” she stated, and wrote her personal number under his wristband. “I’m free on Wednesday” she shyly smiled, and his smile widened.

“Wednesday is it, then. I'll manage to find the time. Just for you." He smiled happily and only then she realized how deep she had fallen.

Ah- she hadn't wanted to fall in love. What a way to fail her own determination… But she couldn't complain, not at all.

And he felt the same way.

Luka and Marinette's hands locked together, and they lost themselves in each other’s eyes, smiling at each other.

“Why don’t you kiss her already, dumbass?” Juleka called, and Marinette blushed. “He won’t kiss you if you don’t give him proper permission, you know? He’s very considerate despite his looks. Tell him already”

“Jules… Why don’t you mind your business and make out with Rose instead?” He shushed his sister and Rose giggled, embracing Juleka. Luka returned his attention to Marinette. “Sorry about that”

“It’s ok… I-” She started, looking at his thin lips. “Will you kiss me if I want to? Because I think I do...”

“You do?” he asked, and she shyly nodded and he smiled softly, making her heart flutter.

She closed her eyes and he leaned closer to give her a sweet kiss on her cheek. She pouted a little, in disappointment, but he told her that, if she really wanted to kiss him, that would be the perfect excuse to meet him again and make it more special, like a beautiful lady like her deserved. Marinette understood his reasoning and agreed with it, despite the slight disappointment she felt she would have to wait a few days to get the chance to kiss him. Nevertheless, both of them happily smiled while their fingers remained interlaced, chatting and enjoying their time together the rest of the flight, until the plane landed and they had to unavoidably say their farewells.

“Thank you for everything, Luka. I forgot how scared I was of planes thanks to you and- I’ll see you soon?”

“I really hope so. I still owe you something, right?" He winked and she blushed happily. Luka gave her a final discreet and quick kiss on her knuckles. "Gosh- I miss you already...” He added, and Marinette felt the urge to cry. She dropped her bag to hold him in a needed embrace. He gladly reciprocated her gesture. Despite neither wanting to separate, they forced themselves to. "I hope I see you soon, Marinette"

"Me too, Luka…" she wiped her tears and waved, as the band started walking away.

When the arrivals doors opened and all the camera flashes blinded her, she understood why Kitty Section members always wore sunglasses in airports. They were more popular than she could have expected. She understood why he had refused to kiss her outside of the plane, but he still saluted her before disappearing in the multitude of fans and paparazzis.

On the other side, Sabrina, Audrey Bourgeois’ assistant, waited for her. She had almost forgotten about her own business. But now, she found the motivation she had lacked. If she was willing to be with Luka, she had to become the best. She wanted to make a name of herself, more than ever. And her meeting with Luka certainly boosted her confidence.

Unexpectedly, her trip to NY had already become one of her most memorable experiences yet. And it had just started! She couldn't wait to spend the rest of the week in the city.

[give-grian-rights]

Bets Against The Void Ch4

I DID AS I SAID I WOULD.

@petrichormeraki

Chapter 1

The Chapter Before

The Next Chapter

Crossposted on AO3

Full fic bellow! content warning for trauma, relating to  the Festival.

By the time they had managed to leave Looky Looky at My Cookie, being around the two teens felt like a hurricane. When Stress managed to convince the two to get something to eat- not that cookies and cake were exactly a healthy breakfast- that certainly hadn’t slowed them down from bouncing off the walls.

Though wary at first, Tommy couldn’t get himself to turn down free goods, without even being accused of stealing. While Grian had been digging through an enderchest, finding payment for the goods, Tommy and pulled Tubbo along to gawk at the builds.

“I don’t fucking get it! Why don’t you guys just, steal shit? I don’t see anyone here to stop that! Or- what’s stopping someone from griefing?” Tommy turned, eyes narrowed on the short brunette woman.

Stress merely tilted her head, brows knitted together in confusion. “We’re a whitelist server, Love! Of course none of us would steal. We’re on a mooshroom island, so we don’t have any worries about any creepers or the like, either.” She had explained, much to the boy’s frustration.

“Yeah, but if someone wanted to, they could just fuckin’ come here and steal! I mean, why would anyone care? Or how would you even notice, you all seem loaded.” He scoffed in frustration.

Tubbo, at his side, laughed. “That’s the coolest part, Tommy! They don’t worry about that! That’s why, like, they’re so cool! No one disrupts eachother or steals, so people can just..Work, and do crazy shit!” They gawked, clapping their hands as they bounced in place.

“I’ve always meant to go back and explore one of the replica worlds you guys put out. The fact that after you’re all finished, you just- put out the code? So others can make replicas of just- such intimate places? And experience it and walk through it? That’s so cool.” Tubbo finally stopped, having nearly ran out of breath.

That earned a flustered laugh out of Stress, nodding along. “Oh, I agree. I only got to join the Hermits two worlds back, on Hermitcraft Five! Me and Zedaph- oh, is he a something- were the new Hermits up until Grian finally joined us, last world.” 

“New Hermit is definitely a heavy torch to carry,” Grian would chirp in, emerging from the shop. “Gotta commit as much chaos as physically possible. Make a good name for yourself.” The brit finished with a wolfish grin, unruly bangs falling past grey, almost purple eyes that glanced between the teens.

“He’s got a point,” Stress snorted, nodding. “If you’re ever bored during your stay, no Hermit are short on stories. Anywho, Grian, you got the spending diamonds for the two?” She turned towards the man- not even a hair taller than herself.

“Yep, of course. Here you two go, I don’t have all my diamonds on me, but this should help cover just about whatever you need.” Pulling out the diamond icon from his tablet, he dropped a numbered amount to both, being deposited into their system. “W- what!” Tubbo exclaimed, pulling out a diamond from their system. “Surely not. Is my tablet reading this right? A stack of diamonds?” They gawked, clutching onto the jewel.

Tommy merely screeched, pressing his tablet against his chest. “Holy fucking SHIT-”

“Jeez does this feel like a language moment-” another voice chimed.

The boy went rigid. Tommy’s head snapping in the direction, as Tubbo nearly jumped out of their skin in surprise. Stood by an igloo- out of place in the clashing mycelium-grass island- was an equally odd man.

Platinum white hair held back(mostly) by a well-worn black headband, a silver plate on the front reading off NHO. A faded, dull green- littered with patches, pins, and buttons- and most unnerving, a black mask covering most of their face. And- most notably- was the pair of slick, glistening snowy owl wings sprawled behind them.

The white-haired figure paused, shifting their weight awkwardly. “Uh, hi.” The guy gave a small wave, expression unreadable past mismatched black-and-red eyes. The man’s hair barely even allowed for those to be viewable- aiding in his masquerade, made the combination of mask-and-bangs shield most of the visible emotion from the newcomers.

“Hey, Etho!” Grian chirped, pleasantly pleased by the appearance of the shady figure. For some reason that Tommy, yet again, doesn’t quite understand, Tubbo gasps.

“Holy- you’re Etho? Like, Ethos Lab?  Oh, oh Void, I spent so much time watching so many of your old redstone videos! It’s what got me so interested in it!” They grinned. 

Oh Prime, who doesn’t this place have? Tommy scoffed at the thought, eyes narrowing on the figure. What’s with the scary mask people always being the ones getting popular, and shit- 

“Oh, thanks. Always happy to hear, there’s always a use for more redstone users. Uh, looks like you got a bit of a tour going on?” The man- Etho, turned towards Grian and Stress. 

“Yep! We wanted to check in on them, I know you heard from the announcement the run down.” Stress grinned, glancing towards the teens. “These two are Tommy and Tubbo. Glad to see you have some idea about Etho, already. He’s always bound to be around somewhere.” 

Tommy scoffed, eyeing the man, a few inches shy of his own height. “Hi, and shit.” He sniffed, crossing his arms.

Etho shuffled in place, nodding. “Uh, yeah. Language, by the way.” He sheepishly huffed, running a hand through his hair. “Welcome, for however long you guys stay. ..And if I may recommend, make sure you head down to Shade-E E’s. Quick profits all around.” He added, pointing with his thumb behind him, towards the dark mansion.

The blond kid raised a brow, tilting his head.  Prime, what is up with this guy.  “Excuse me?” Tommy scoffed.

Grian groaned, rolling his eyes. “Etho. Please. The amount of glass i’ve picked up coming out of the District portal.” He glared pointedly towards the man.

“Mhmm..I don’t see what there is to be so upset over. I think I'm providing a very generous service, to our server.” He snickered, quirking an eyebrow.

Pointedly sending a scolding glare towards Etho, Stress turned towards the two teens. “C’mon, now. Mind that Mr. Ice Queen, now.” She huffed, fondness seeping into her voice.

“I know when I’m unwanted,” Etho chuckled, holding up gloved hands in mock-defense. See you two ‘round. You too, Tubbo, Tommy.” He’d nod towards each person as he named them, before a rocket was summoned to his hand. And, he was off with a trail of smoke.

At the poof and small bang from the minor explosive was all it took for an incident to form. Tubbo cringed, visibly flinching before they curled in on themself, ducking their head down as their arms clung around their head, their ears covered.

Tommy, on the otherhand, nearly jumped a foot in the air before throwing himself on Tubbo.  The two went tumbling to the ground with a huff. 

The two Hermits shot up, turning towards the teens. “Oh Gord, hey, it’s okay, those were just flight duration rockets! They can’t do a thing. Etho’s gone, now.” Grian dropped down next to them, brows pinched in concern. 

“We promise, it’s alright! We all use rockets like that. It’s alright, see? Everything’s fine. No hermit would do a thing to purposefully scare you, like that.” Stress chirped in, her heart sinking at the thought of two kids being so terrified at a simple firework.

Tommy pulled his head away from the crook of Tubbo’s neck, glaring harshly at the adults. Distrust was obvious in his blue eyes, before he untangled himself, pulling up Tubbo with him. “Why the fuck would he need fireworks? He had fucking wings.”

The Hermits exchanged a gaze for a moment, before Grian held up his hands pacifyingly. “That was just an elytra. They take the form most fitting for the wearer, at the moment. Stress marked him the Ice Queen of the season, since he owns that Ice shop,” He’d point with his thumb behind him, at a snowy igloo with an Ice sign above it. “So, he had snow-themed wings. Last world, my Elytra wings were small and white feathers. Rockets boost them, since Elytras can only glide.” Grian explained patiently.

“..Right. Sorry- I- Uh. I didn’t realize he had an Elytra.. S-Should’ve expected the rocket, if I knew.” Tubbo sheepishly laughed it off, their head dipped down.

The correlation between the splattered, sparked burn scars scattered across their face, and their reaction, wasn’t lost on the Hermits. 

There was a brief silence between the four, the blond boy’s arm wrapped tightly around the other teen’s.

“So- what are your wings, now?” Tubbo eventually asked, breaking the tense pause.

Grian made a noise of understanding. “Ah, yeah, I have parrots wings, now! Scarlet Macaw. Red’s the primary color. They’re a good bit bigger than last season’s elytra, since that one was chicken based.”

“Chicken based?” Tommy scoffed, cocking an eyebrow as he eyed the short, young-looking man.

“Yes, that was his whole thing. The Hermits still tease him for it. Mine are floral-based and skeletal, when I wear them.” Stress chirped, her tone warm. With a swipe of her holographic tablet, wings were equipped to her back. 

Indeed, they were as described. A frame of skeletal bones, a light, magenta glistening aura surrounding them. Moss, and large flowers clung to the wings. How exactly she flew with them was beyond anything Tommy knew- or was willing to take the time to understand.

“We won’t be using them, since- you two don’t have any. But it is about time we discuss what your plans are. Has your server’s admin sent any updates?” Grian switched subjects, glancing between the teens.

A tense energy still surrounded them, as Tubbo fidgetted and gripped onto the fabric at the bottom of their shirt.

“No,” Tommy scoffed, pulling his Communicator into his free hand. “The bastard hasn’t said a word.” The boy practically growled out the words, in frustration. 

“Alright,” Grian said easily. “Then we figure out what you two want to do.”

“There’s a lot of spare builds. Keralis, real close to here, has a whole big city. There’s a hotel there. It’s not empty, but it is.. Overwhelming, and a bit much. There are also Hermits starter bases.” Stress explained, trying to lay out the options for the two.

Tommy scowled, while Tubbo looked- well, spaced. Easily the quietest either Hermit had seen them, so far. This only added to their concern.

“I have my starter base. No Hermit would bother you, but it’s close enough that we can drop off supplies, and you’d be able to reach others if you need help. Both of you could have anything I left in those chests, Gord knows I have more than enough resources.” Grian offered, glancing between the teens.

“The spawn room was fine, Mr. Grian.” Tubbo cringed, tilting their head towards the builder.

Grian persisted, gently shaking his head. “No, it isn’t. There isn’t the supplies to really just- let you guys sustain, there.” He grimaced, before manifesting the spruce boat icon into his hand. “Hobbit hole with everything in it going to you two, or empty hotel room with no elevator.” He’d offer.

The pair were quiet for a moment, before Tommy groaned. “Fine. Hermithole, or whatever.” 

Nodding along, Grian trailed off towards shore. “Alright, we have a short journey ahead of us, then. And then you two can decide if you want to settle there and make do with what’s stored, or come back on your own accord for more. I won’t make either of you stick around for much longer.”

“Good.” Tommy grumbled, pulling back out his own boat.

Both groups were soon in their boats, and once more, were off into the ocean.

[caffeinated-cryptid]

you got an ego so big (it'll eat you alive).

roman-centric hurt/comfort (w/ remus, patton and virgil). 

11.7k words | AO3 link | warnings: self-hatred, semi-intentional self-destruction, various injuries, arguing, remus-typical jokes and topics.

“At the best of times, Roman’s job was a tightrope act between maintaining a healthy amount of self-confidence and the ability to adapt and take criticism. Throughout his life he walks this line many times, always with the expectation that if he were to fall one way or the other, no one would be there to catch him.

But sometimes when you’re up miles high, it can become difficult to see the safety net on the ground below you.

(aka an expansion on the premise that a bruised ego causes literal injuries and the issues this could cause when you're an insecure prince with a need to please and the weight of the world on your shoulders).”

------------------

To be overly aware of your own self is often associated with negative traits, such as narcissism, self-consciousness or a sensitivity to mistakes. Although to some with a proclivity towards the spotlight, it can become an inadvertent consequence of over-analyzing yourself in order to achieve those flawless performances. Naturally, gaining any sort of notoriety and attempting to retain that positive image means becoming intimately aware of your faults and staying open to change, taking criticism to heart all the while keeping relatably humble. On the other hand, it may also mean letting that same criticism become your one sole focus, tearing you down instead of becoming a rung in the ladder that's supposed to take you to higher places.

Roman often found that navigating these gray areas was a momentous task. To be proud of his work, but not be too unbearably egotistical to the point that it blinded him. To accept criticism but not allow the pursuit of perfection to destroy him.

His role was truly a balance; a thin tightrope he constantly had to traverse.

And on occasion, he would end up slipping.

------------------

I - bonds that tie us.

Roman first learned of his job as the ego when Thomas was young. With Remus at the helm of most of the subconscious and instinctual stuff as his id, perhaps he should've assumed that he would have a similar mirrored purpose beyond simply confidence, however it hadn't ever really come into play until one afternoon when the two of them were busy playing in The Imagination.

They had just concluded a close duel against each other and were putting their weapons away (cardboard ones, since Feelings didn't want them running around with real weapons once he found out they were using them to fight, and because Fear and Lies often fretted about them doing something stupid and getting hurt). Usually neither of them held the lead for long during their matches since they were so well-matched, but today Remus had won easily, which Roman chalked up to him feeling off ("Yeah right. Don't be such a sore loser." "It's true!"). Either way, Remus would be bragging about the victory until the next time they got the opportunity to duel, and that meant he was already rubbing it in as they prepared to leave.

On their way to the exit, Remus had taken the lead at some point and was throwing out ideas about they should do later when Roman unexpectedly paused and doubled over, clutching his head. Remus didn't notice that he'd stopped until he heard a groan and turned around.

"What's wrong? Didn't hit you too hard, did I?" He asked with a grin as if he assumed that Roman was still playing- perhaps trying to make up an excuse for his terrible loss.

"I- Dunno. My head hurts…" Roman cringed, eyes screwed shut.

Remus' smile faltered when he realized it might not be a joke and he walked back, peeling Romans hands away from his forehead. Underneath was a large red patch of irritated skin which looked set to bruise. His frown deepened because he definitely didn't cause that, nor did he witness any incidents during the day which would be the cause. "How'd that happen?

"Dunno!" He repeated, eyes going blank for a moment while he caught up with what was happening outside. The two of them were usually much too distracted when they were in The Imagination to pay attention to everything that transpired in the real world, especially on weekdays like this when Thomas would be in school and Creativity wasn't exactly needed during most classes. "...Thomas was told off for slacking in front of the entire class and he got some bad grades on his report card… He's feeling embarrassed, I think.

Remus was confused by how this was relevant until he pieced together that the two events were linked to what was happening to his brother. His eyes widened in realization before they settled into determination. "Then I'll fight him until he stops feeling bad."

That startled a laugh out of Roman, until his head started pounding and he cut himself off with a grimace. "...’Can't do that."

He laughed too, in hopes that it would lift Roman's spirits again. "Can too! I'll figure it out, then he'll be too busy worrying about his broken bones to care about what some dumb teacher said. Maybe then he'll get to skip school for a while and do something funner like-"

"Remus." Roman hissed over him, overcome with a sudden dizzy spell. His hand found Remus’ shoulder for purchase, which stopped his twin in his rant.

Remus stared at him in alarm. This seemed serious, and he didn't do too well with handling serious things. "Do... Do you want me to get Feelings? Or Learning? Or Lies?"

"No. None of them. I just wanna go home." He whined, leaning more and more against Remus for support.

' Home' in their case was what they called their shared room. It was where they always returned to at the end of a long day, and no matter what had happened, they could always feel their troubles wash away as they sat in their own little world once more. Roman longed for that feeling, to escape the too-bright sun of The Imagination which now felt like it was blinding him and just lay down for a while.

Remus nodded hesitantly, the plans he had spun of pulling a prank on Fear and Lies forgotten. Normally the two Creativities preferred to find the door of The Imagination manually (they claimed it made the experience more immersive when they were out on an adventure), but instead he reached towards the exit and the world twisted around them, ejecting them out together. They came out the other side back in their room, next to their bunk bed. Instead of climbing up to his bed on the top, Roman just about threw himself onto Remus' sheets. Somehow he managed to ignore the weird smell of the fabric that he always complained about, which spoke greatly about his current well-being.

Remus hovered behind him, unsure of what to do, when Roman let out another pained noise and curled up tighter. "What now?!"

"Thomas...parents.

Since that didn't really explain anything, Remus decided to check up on what was happening outside himself. Thomas' parents had asked to see his report card and they were giving him the 'not mad but disappointed talk', while Thomas was shrunk into himself in shame. Yikes, Learning mustn't be feeling too hot about this either. But right now his focus was on his brother, who the sight of in such a sorry state filled him with rage.

"Now I want to fight them too." Remus muttered darkly. "Take the knife from the kitchen that dad uses to cut up turkeys and make them stop talking forever. Then we won't have to deal with this again and you won't-"

Oh right, Roman was still injured. Focus, Remus. Concern. Right, he was concerned for his brother, who was hurting like he had never seen, even after their fights. What could he do about this? He was always so much better at destroying things than fixing them, so having to deal with a situation like this without any sort of guidance made him nervous.

"You can't hurt them." Roman protested weakly.

"Maybe if I want to enough I could!"

Remus walked around the bunk bed and settled down on the side Roman was facing towards. From this angle he could see new bruises spattered along his brother's arms. In a grotesque way, the different shades came together like a watercolour painting. Except instead of a canvas, they were on a body- Remus shook his head. Focus! He could draw sickly yellow and purple-inspired pictures later, when Roman would be in the mood to be more good-humored about it.

"You shouldn't, then. It's bad."

"...Alright then. What should I do Ro-bro?"

Roman cracked open one eye and looked at him. "Stay? Until Thomas feels better?"

Considering he was just grounded for the weekend, Remus wasn't sure how long it would take for this hit to Thomas' self esteem to blow over, but despite knowing this he nodded anyway.

"Okay."

He laid down next to Roman, not commenting when he hid his face against the covers and started sniffling, or when he eventually fell asleep, curled against his side like how they would sleep when they were newly-split. When Learning knocked in their door to tell them that dinner was ready, he made a weak excuse that they were busy and would eat later.

Without even asking he knew Roman would want this to be kept between them, despite how the others would undoubtedly fuss and nurse him back to health. And perhaps that was the reason why. His brother always wanted to appear infallible to the others and did so replicating the heroes from the stories they read, which often meant refusing to admit when he needed help and trying to do everything himself. If you asked Remus, he was trying way too hard to be like the Creativity that came before them, which was silly because they were different now and as they were, they needed each other.

Remus closed his eyes and tried to get some sleep too. This seemed like a big deal, so Roman's pride would have to pass eventually for him to seek help. Right?

------------------

II - even without dying you're dead to me.

In retrospect, Remus had underestimated Roman’s ability to keep a secret (maybe because he was so quick these days to run over to Feelings, now Morality, whenever Remus did something to upset him. Tattle-tale).

Now that they were older and their roles were more defined, their once shared-room had separated into two to adjust to this change. Even though it had been long enough that he should be used to the feeling of being alone, there were still times where Remus had to try to not let it bother him when he looked up at night, expecting to see the familiar underside of a top bunk and instead only finding the ceiling he had painted an underwater-themed mural on.

On nights like this, far too sentimental to enter a peaceful rest, they would go sleep in each other's rooms, saying nothing as they tried to pretend they were as close as they once were. Remus groaned into his pillow, fighting that annoying urge to seek comfort. He was a teenager now, he didn't want to be so attached at the hip to a side who had started looking at him with disgust and fear instead of the fondness they used to share. Sometimes he couldn't help it though, clinging to the days when everything felt simple and the biggest thing they had to worry about was finding time to create the things they enjoyed. At the very least he was glad that Roman didn't mock him for his occasional bouts of uncharacteristic sentiment; that would solidify for him that there were no remnants of the relationship they once had left.

With that depressing thought, he rolled out of bed. He couldn't sleep tonight so he was going to make that Roman's problem; that always cheered him up. Perhaps if he hadn't made such a disturbed face when Remus had talked about the brazen bull he had made earlier that day, he would feel a bit more sympathy for waking his brother up in the middle of the night. Buuut he didn't and he was feeling petty, so without a second thought he sunk out and into Romans room.

"WAKEY WAKEY~!" Remus clashed two cymbals together like one of those nightmare-inducing wind-up monkeys, only to belatedly realize the bed he was facing was empty.

He blinked, both in confusion and to adjust his eyes to the unexpected light of the room. Both of them may be night owls, but Roman would usually be asleep by 2am at least, and it was way past that hour. Looking around the room, his eyes latched onto the vanity where his brother was sitting, looking incredibly startled from the deafening crash of metal against metal.

"Get out!" He yelled once his shock faded into indignation, glaring at Remus.

Remus didn’t respond, staring at the medical supplies spread across the surface. Roman was in the middle of wrapping a compression bandage around his thigh, which he abandoned as soon as Remus had entered.

"Did you get something stuck in your ear again? I'm not in the mood to deal with you tonight, Remus. Leave ."

"What happened?" He blurted out before he could even think about the question.

"Doesn't matter. In case you've forgotten, the door's right there. Feel free to use it at any point."

Instead of complying (because when had Remus ever done that for anyone? No no, it was always more exciting to do the opposite of what people ask and see what happens), he crossed the room, ignoring how Roman increasingly looked like he wanted to punch him the longer he lingered.

"Bitch, it obviously does matter, otherwise you wouldn't be looking like you got trampled by a cracked-out horse."

"Lovely imagery." Roman gritted out.

"Lovely avoidance." Remus retorted sarcastically. "Aren't you best friends with Morality and Logic now? Why aren't they here sucking your d-"

"If you don't go back to your own room I'll run you through with my sword." Roman warned with an air of finality.

Remus snorted.

It was hard to be intimidated by the same side who had once cried when he had accidentally smashed an imaginary caterpillar cocoon with his morning star. In his defense he had forgotten to make the handle weighted when he first made it, so he was still getting used to the uneven distribution of the weapon...not like that stopped Roman from getting upset with him. Supposedly he had spent the last week trying to raise butterflies and wanted to show them off to Logic after they had learned about chrysalis in class, but Remus found that somewhat laughable considering he could just create a fully-formed butterfly if he wanted to. So he did laugh, calling him dumb for getting upset over nothing, and through tears Roman pushed him to the ground and told him he hated him for the first time. (After that, he may have spent the next week killing any butterflies that crossed his path, but that was neither here nor there. The point of this tangent provided a lá Remus Sander's brain was was that Roman could be a big baby and therefore he couldn't take anything he said too seriously.)

"Sounds like a good time! Save that idea for later though, because if you don't tell me I'll summon them over here to ask them myself."

"Don't. They don't know about this, alright? For once in your life can you just let it go?"

Huh. Remus tilted his head. It had been years since they first found out about the fun little quirk Roman had, and he just...never told? He figured at the very least it would be a good way to milk even more attention from the others; something Creativity had been seeking more often after Fear turned into Anxiety during middle school and gained a much larger role in Thomas' life. "Why?"

Roman huffed in frustration. "They don't need to. I can handle it myself."

"...Wow! Careful not to summon Lies, because you're full of shit and you know it." Remus fired back. He didn't even know why he was getting so mad. Minutes ago he was cursing his brother's guts for how their relationship had soured, and now all of a sudden it was if all of that dislike had faded into the background for something else. Concern? He hadn't felt concern for anything in years. Roman always made it seem like he could take care of himself, so that's what Remus had believed at first too, though perhaps stumbling across this situation was evidence of the opposite. Reasonable self-care didn't exactly look like 'patching yourself up at 4 in the morning'. At least, that sounded like something Lies would say which probably meant it was accurate.

"Ugh- Shut up. I've been doing just fine so far, without you or them, so you can take your fake pity and shove it up your you-know-where."

Remus didn't rise to the opportunity to poke fun at that statement, his mind going blank (and what a strange and unusual feeling that was). The idea that anything could have been hidden from him seemed unthinkable given how they used to tell each other everything. He hadn't even considered that that habit had become one-sided, given how it had never stopped being true for him. "...Roman, what does that mean? Has this been happening a lot?"

"..."

"Why did you never tell me?! This isn't something you can just keep a secret! If you won't say anything I will-

Remus' mouth snapped shut as Roman ejected him from his room. He landed back on his own bed and when he scrambled onto his feet to tried to rise up again, he found that his efforts were blocked. Roman had kicked him out and locked the door behind him. He never did that, no matter how much they fought or annoyed each other. It was the one thing they did that showed they still cared.

Remus trembled with adrenaline and shock. Taking his pillow, he summoned a knife and stabbed it and stabbed it and stabbed it until all of his pent up feelings were gone and there all that was left was the fluff covering his floor.

------------------

III - interlude.

As it turns out, he'd never get the opportunity to tell, because shortly after that, the newly appointed 'dark sides' were pushed away into their own corner of the mindscape after an explosive argument between the sides (during which Remus tried to ignore how closely Roman stood at Morality's side, sword brandished towards him. He didn't want to think his twin had a hand in their separation, even though it made so much sense).

When he argued about going back with Lies, now Deceit after being appointed the new leader of the unwanted and unloved, he was told through clenched teeth and pained eyes that he shouldn't. Not until Thomas was ready for him. For all of them.

------------------

IV - to the death of me, i'm just fulfillin' my destiny.

After that, Roman adjusted, and did so alone. Teenage years came with many challenges, ones he didn’t always escape unscathed. Despite the occasional rejection here, an unfortunate setback there, he felt as if he had grown a thicker skin for the trials they faced. Into adulthood he wore his ego like a suit of armor; Thomas was outgoing and likable, so of course it became easier to brush aside random negative experiences as minor blips, things that didn’t represent their worth.

This was challenged somewhat as he began pursuing creative outlets more seriously. This meant more work for Roman in general (Woo! Suck it Logan), but it also came with more opportunities to feel ashamed of a messed-up performance, embarrassed by a note sung wrong, hurt by an ill-intentioned piece of feedback.

So he tried to compensate at times. Sue him. Between the nights he spent nursing his wounds and wondering how to do better next time, perhaps he deserved to be a little self-congratulatory about the shining achievements he won for them. There was a certain safety in placing himself up on that pedestal, so high above that it felt like nobody could ever reach him; that he was above it all. But the reality was that this pedestal, gold-plated as it may be, was founded on an interior of paper mache, one wrong move from away from collapsing and sending him tumbling back down to earth.

It was a good thing that pretending came naturally to Roman. So natural that the fear of falling sometimes didn’t register with him at all.

------------------

V - the calamitous corollary of being considered.

Except, it may have been too much to expect nobody to ever realize there was something up with him. The fact that the sides had to work closely together alone meant that the excuse of being busy after every troubling experience could only work for so long.

The first one to find out was Patton, because of course it was. Sometimes Roman felt as if Patton wasn’t given enough credit for his intelligence. Even though he could be a tad slow on the uptake on other things, his ability to detect the slightest change in mood and discern how people were feeling could be uncanny at times. Emotions just happened to be Patton's strong suit, and while that was very much appreciated when it came to sharing excitement or talking through a heated problem, it was not so grand when you were trying to get away with hiding something.

The first time he let something slip was a few days after Thomas had been flat-out rejected when asking someone out on a date. It wasn't that big of a blow, considering they had barely known the guy for more than a month, but Roman had been insistent that they throw caution into the wind and give it a shot, sure that he had been receiving signals that proved that this guy felt a similar interest. Turns out, he didn't, and was very-much straight. At least the rejection had been somewhat carried out gently and he didn't seem too put-off about staying friends afterwards. Nonetheless the wound was still fresh, and Thomas kept internally cringing whenever he thought about it, which didn't help matters. Whatever. Roman dealt with the bruises that arose from the incident and dabbed a little foundation on the ones he couldn't hide with clothing. They'd get over it in a matter of weeks.

It was after the awkward feelings had finally begun to settle when it happened. Roman and Patton had been in the kitchen preparing dinner when Thomas received a message on his phone, and when he went to check it, he face-planted on the couch in mortification.

'Hey man, I just remembered that my cousin is coming to town this weekend. He's gay too so I thought you two could go on a blind date if you're still looking. :) Lmk your thoughts.'

Patton frowned upon sensing the sudden wave of embarrassment, pausing to check what had happened. "Well...That's thoughtful of him!" He chuckled, tone trying and failing to be positive. Roman couldn't share the same sentiment.

"Thoughtless is more like it! He wants to set us up with the first gay person he knows? Who's not even in the city?  Does he think Thomas has no standards at all?! How dare-" Roman's indignant protests cut off as he felt the skin around his collar grow tender and swell slightly. He let out a slight whimper when he pressed his fingers into the bruise to double check its location. Why now and in such a visible place?! He's going to get Thomas to drop that guy if it's the last thing he does-

"Ro! Are you okay?"

Right. Patton was still here. Don't panic.

"Y-yeah! I just remembered an injury I sustained earlier. But not to worry, 'tis but a flesh wound!" He joked.

"A flesh wound?!" Patton cried, reference flying over his head. "Let me see."

Gently, Patton moved his head upwards to get a better look at the bruise. It mustn't look good, because Patton, squeamish as he was, grimaced on sight.

"How on earth did that happen? I don't remember that being there just now."

"Uh." Come on Creative skills, work your magic. "A stray whomping willow in The Imagination? You know how they can be. I suppose it merely took a while to develop, bruises can be funny like that."

Luckily it seemed to work, because Patton sighed. "I thought you got rid of them all after that time one almost threw Logan into a lake. Did Remus make more?"

Heh. Good times. That was a slight lie on his behalf when he had told the others he had gotten rid of the trees; he had kept a few of them around because they were once a gift from Remus to quote 'spice up his boring forests'. Not for any sentimental reasons, of course, but because he thought it was funny and it kept him on his toes. "I guess."

Patton made a small 'tsk' noise, mouth still drawn in a frown but he didn't comment further. "Come on, I'll help you treat that. Does it hurt?"

"Of course not." He smiled. "Do you really think I could be bested by a mere tree?"

"Never! I do wish you were more careful when you go on your little adventures, though. It makes me awfully sad to think about you in 'pine'."

Roman knew it had been a flimsy excuse and even though Patton seemed to accept it, there was a hesitation in his eye which spoke of hidden disbelief. After some first aid and many more tree-related puns later, they went back to cooking, finishing up 30 minutes later. When Logan came down to dinner, immediately questioning the bandages around Roman's neck, he repeated the fake story, distracting him with a request not to go into The Imagination with the whomping willow around and packaging the thinly-veiled jab at the way Logan had once freaked out when he was swung around by the semi-sentient tree as a warning. Logan's concern quickly faded and he shot back a sharp retaliation that Roman didn't care to remember. He just laughed, feeling as light as a kite with the crisis averted.

The next time didn't go over as gracefully.

Thomas had found a different partner eventually, one that wasn't some friend's cousin. They dated for months, and just when he had been thinking about inviting his boyfriend to move in so he could be closer to his workplace, he'd been broken up with. On Valentines Day of all days. There was no better way of putting it; they had planned to go out to dinner, managing to book a table at a fairly classy restaurant, exchanged gifts, and near the end of the night his boyfriend had leaned across the table with a sad smile, thanking him for the evening before admitting he didn't see them working out anymore. He said it quietly, as to not cause a scene among the other diners, but that didn't stop Thomas from immediately bursting into tears. The scene had caused his (now ex) boyfriend to leave early after paying his half of the bill. At least the waitress had taken pity on him and brought over more complimentary bread rolls (which he took because he was not a complete fool, heartbroken as he may be), though even that didn't stop the confusion and embarrassment of it all.

As expected, the whole incident caused nothing but chaos; the right-brain sides were devastated, Anxiety was in a state of panic, and Logic had been metaphorically thrown out the window. As Thomas made his way home, they were at a complete loss for what to do. They had started the day, hoping to take a step forward in their relationship, and ended up with nothing at all. What worse is that they didn't even have a clear idea why (admittedly, that could have been due to, as mentioned before, the inconsolable crying).

It seemed like the most sensible thing to do at the moment was to throw the Valentines gifts away and gorge on the ice-cream that had been sitting in the back of the freezer for who-knows how long while watching a comfort show and trying to forget the whole evening. So that's what they did. As Logan tried to sort through what happened and rationalize what to do next, Patton wallowed in his misery as he dealt with the giant mix of feelings Thomas was going through.

After a few hours working through the brunt of it, enough to where his mind began wandering elsewhere, Patton realized with a start that he hadn't seen Roman since the start of the evening. He must have been so devastated too! Patton recalled how excited he was about the day ahead of them, how he spun fantasies of Thomas' boyfriend accepting the proposal to move in and then the future proposals that could come after that-

Patton mournfully sobbed. He needed to stop thinking about this, or else Thomas could start spiraling again. The best thing to do right now was distract himself, and to do that he should go check on Roman. Perhaps they could talk and have a mutual catharsis over the whole thing. Or better yet, he could put his energy towards someone else and he won't have to fall back into the thoughts that had been clouding his mind ever since they had left that stupid restaurant.

Splashing some water on his face to clear up some of the blotchy-ness, he left his room and crossed the hallway towards Roman's. He couldn't hear any noise coming from inside, so he tentatively knocked. "Kiddo?"

For a few moments there was silence, and Patton almost turned away, assuming that Roman might be blowing off some steam in The Imagination, until a voice cleared inside the room and answered. "Pat? What do you want?"

Patton was taken aback for a second, not expecting such a straight-forward answer. It almost sounded like Roman wasn't upset at all, but Patton sincerely doubted that to be true. His tone was almost too normal, and for anybody else he wouldn't have questioned it, but the lack of dramatics or flowery language was always a clear red flag for the Creative side. "I wanted to check on you since um- You-Know-Who took 'dine and dash' a tad too seriously." He chuckled humorlessly. "...Can I come in?"

There was some shuffling and muffled curses. "Why? I'm fine. Worry about yourself."

"'Why?'" He repeated, eyeing the door warily. "I'm concerned! I haven't seen you in hours and I- I know you must be upset about this too. Can we please talk?"

"I'm not exactly my most princely presentable self right now. Anyway, it's late. Surely this can wait until tomorrow?"

Patton looked down at himself. Instead of his usual garb, he had thrown on some more comfortable clothes hours ago, and they were currently crumpled from laying in bed, sobbing his eyes out. "I'm hardly my best-self either right now, Kiddo-" Before he could go on a spiel about how it was best to not bottle up emotions when they're fresh (and ignoring the hypocrisy of that sentiment), he heard a thump on the other side of the door followed by a quiet hiss of pain. Patton began to panic, and his hand flew to the handle. "I'm coming in!"

Before the other side could even consider protesting, Patton flung the fortunately unlocked door open and stepped into the room, gasping at the sight he was met with. Roman was on the floor, wincing as he clutched his leg. Although he was still dressed in his usual outfit, there were enough injuries on his visible skin that Patton could only wonder how far they went. He covered his mouth and stared in horror as Roman turned to look at him nervously.

"What- How did this happen?!"

Roman licked his dry lips, eyes darting away as he searched for an excuse. "I- The Imagination- This is from earlier-"

"You told me this morning you were going to spend the day helping Thomas write a love letter." Patton said, voice strained with panic and disbelief. "Tell me the truth, please."

Shoot, he had announced his plans earlier that day, hadn't he? He internally cursed his inability to keep his mouth shut, before lowering his head in defeat. "Can you keep a secret, Pat?"

Said side shifted uncomfortably, but his tone was resolute when he nodded. "If it means you'll let me help with whatever this is."

"Okay..." Roman inhaled. "Okay."

And then he explained. Or rather, gave a shortened version of the truth which was less likely to give Patton a complete heart-attack: that bruised egos were something he experienced, but it was never this bad (true) or all that common (also true), and that they weren't something to worry about because he could usually take care of them himself (technically true). By the time he had finished, Patton still looked concerned, but had become less frantic with the information.

"You'll let me help in the future if you need it, right?" He asked, so close to shedding tears that Roman had trouble keeping eye-contact without becoming choked up with guilt.

"If I need it." He agreed.

Finally, Patton smiled, and went to fetch the first-aid kit hastily. As he helped patch him up for the second time that year, the look in Patton's eyes was so pained that Roman vowed to let him see this side of him as little as possible.

For a while, he kept true to this promise to himself, and on the occasions when Patton would drop by to check if everything was alright, if Roman had encountered any bruised egos since, he relished in the relief on his face whenever he would lie and said he hadn't. Distantly he wondered sometimes if this was how heroes were supposed to feel; protecting people by letting them live in blissful ignorance and bearing the burden of the ugly truth alone.

(It was thoughts like that that kept him going.)

------------------

VI - high highs and low lows.

And then came the videos. Youtube had been an excellent ego-boost for Roman. Similar to how life-changing Vine was, the instant gratification of likes and feedback and people liking what they made was enough to send him over the moon, and oftentimes it was able to ward away the downsides that came with it too; the stress of staying relevant, the occasional hate comment, the portion of dislikes that didn't explain what about the video was dislike-worthy-

Overall it seemed like a great idea, especially when the sides became involved. It gave them all the chance to gain their own spotlights, which most of them appreciated. Sometimes this wasn't always so good though. With the videos came more introspection than usual, which meant deeply examining each problem to try to find some kind of moral. And right now, Roman didn't want to do any sort of thinking exercise about how badly he messed up. At this point in their career, a simple audition should have been a cake walk, instead it was an ache walk...Okay, admittedly he wasn't on his best game right now. The point was, he had potentially thrown the whole audition by forgetting something so simple as the lyrics, and now the casting director would definitely only remember Thomas by the way he froze under pressure, which wasn't exactly an appealing trait in somebody looking to go up on stage where the pressure was set to 100.

After everything was said and done, Roman had no choice but to approach Patton for help. In his current state, he was much too dizzy on his feet to even contemplate showing up and trying to play it off cool, which would've been an laughable endeavor anyhow considering how outwardly embarrassed Thomas was. Betrayal from his own-- well. It was a bit too harsh to blame his current predicament on Thomas, after all the fact of the matter was that it was Roman’s fault for not being better prepared.

Anyway, that's how he ended up in his current position, being swaddled in a too-warm bed, injuries patched up and having soup spoon-fed into his mouth. The whole thing felt...strange. Usually during times like this he would be grinning and bearing it, the inner satisfaction he got from fooling everyone with his performance pushing him through the day, but he supposed this was unavoidable. It was better that only one side had to see part of the problem rather than exposing it to everyone, and out of all of them, at least it was Patton. It still didn't sit well that his secret was now out in the open, a throwaway joke to be used before moving along, but hopefully that would play to his favor and they'd view it as his usual dramatics. Not like he preferred to be seen as too incompetent to care for himself, even if it fit with his persona. He supposed it just went without saying that princes are supposed to have someone at their every beck and call, they're supposed to be indulgent and spoiled and ridiculous. But princes were also supposed to be leaders, someone who was caring and brave and ready to face any challenge.

Roman sighed, a wave of self-loathing washing over him. He didn't feel very princely at all right now.

“Kiddo, are you doing okay? Does something hurt? Is the soup too hot?” Patton asked, eyebrows drawing together in concern. He was such an open book when it came to the other sides, which meant that Roman knew exactly when he had worried or panicked the fatherly figure. Honestly, it only made him feel worse. Being doted over seemed like a good idea until it meant being the subject of pity and other people’s hurt.

“No no, I’m fine Padre. It’s fine. I was just taking a trip into thought city for a second there.” He cracked a smile, trying to ignore how the bruise at the corner of his mouth pulled at the motion. If only he could think of a more original nickname, perhaps that would be more convincing. He was simply drawing blanks today it seemed. “What do you think the others are up to right now? I’d bet 5 bucks Logan is losing his mind having to deal with Anxiety alone.”

Patton didn’t look entirely convinced, but the sudden change of subject encouraged him to stop any further questioning.

In the end they talked until the others had finished filming. Whatever happened during the discussion must have helped Thomas grow past his feelings, because one-by-one the injuries on Roman's body grew smaller until they had faded entirely. Seeing this, Patton noticeably livened up again, and he cheerily declared that he would take the empty bowl back to the kitchen and check in with the others.

As soon as he was gone, Roman’s face dropped, tired from all the smiling he had been doing, and he slid down further into the sheets. Perhaps he should consider himself fortunate that the others had helped out, but all he could think about was how they now knew about his biggest weakness and how embarrassing that was. Logan and Anxiety were the last two sides he wanted finding out about this, if not for their often-tumultuous relationships, but because they'd never fully understand. Neither of them were as dependent on validation as much as he was. Despite what others thought about them, they would just keep on going, meanwhile Roman couldn't truly thrive without some kind of feedback; he was too shackled to expectations and the need to please for that sort of self-indulgence, it was practically written in his existence. It simply wasn't enough for him to be great, he needed to be great and be appreciated. Without that, he felt as if he would burn out, like a candle who's supply of oxygen had been cut off, leaving only smoke and the charred wick behind as a reminder of the fire that was once there. And sometimes that made him feel pathetic, that so much of his esteem depended on what people thought of him. Other times it just made him envy the others who had no one to please but Thomas himself and what he deemed important.

...He was tired, but he needed to keep going. The least he could do was keep up the image of egotism so that those horrid thoughts of being lesser weren't picked up by the others. If they started thinking of him the way he thought about himself (if they didn't already), he wouldn't know what he'd do. He wouldn't stand to be pitied or mocked or anything that validated what he already knew about himself. He just wouldn't.

Rolling out of bed, he practiced his smile in the mirror, fixed his clothes, and sunk out to make his grand appearance.

He couldn’t let this happen again at all costs.

------------------

VII - an agreeable sort of self-destruction.

More and more often, Roman was glad that he and Remus didn't share a room anymore. From the nights he hunched over scraps of ideas and worked without distraction until the sun was on the horizon, to the days he woke up with tears clinging to his lashes and breath coming out in labored pants, until he realizes the dream about him messing up so badly that he's split apart a second time was merely a cruel trick of his mind.

Currently, there was no greater time to be grateful for their separation than the moment he hastily returned back to safety after Remus' debut to Thomas. If only his brother could see the way he paced back and forth and tugged at his hair, he was sure his other half would merely gloat and poke away at his wounds instead of doing anything to help. Or worse, use it as ammunition in front of the other sides as some sort of proof of his imperfection.

Speaking of, the video was disastrous. He had been out-cold the entire time so he had no idea what was said and had no way of directing the conversation at all, which was possibly the most aggravating part of the whole situation. Beyond that, there was so much that Remus could have told the others without his knowledge. Once upon a time, the two of them were two peas in a pod, and that meant they knew an unnameable amount of secrets about each other. (Like how Remus always used to sleep with this crudely-knitted octopus Roman had made for him when he discovered crochet. Remus claimed to have set fire to it when they were teenagers, but Roman had seen it tucked away on a shelf the last time he had been in his room, before the Great Divide). The room swam a little when Roman thought about it too much. Perhaps he was being paranoid, but it wasn't as if he'd done much to earn Remus' loyalty. Why would he take the higher road and keep all of that to himself now, when he had the prime opportunity right in front of him to make himself seem like the better twin?

Hold on... He was thinking about this all wrong. Remus didn't care about good and bad the same way he did. Sure he was adamant that his version of being creative was more interesting, but he never tried to convince any of the other sides that he was inherently better or more worthy of attention than Roman, at least not to the same extent he did. The realization hit Roman like a train on it's way to a damsel tied to railway tracks (for lack of a less Remus-y simile): had he been wrong to push his brother away when he was just trying to help? All this time he had expected nothing but the worst from him, all because he was loud and unapologetic and had gone about his concern in a way that frightened him. Though just because Roman had been scared, surely that didn't warrant the dark sides being pushed aside in such a manner, and clearly the repression wasn't any benefit to Thomas...And was that partially his fault? He had been the one who encouraged Patton to divide the sides up. He had come up with the name for them: light and dark.

When he really thought about it, there wasn't much 'light' about him, not when he had been the source of so many problems.

Making Virgil feel unwelcome and continuing to trample on his boundaries.

His insults toward Logan and attempts to diminish his importance.

Leading Thomas and Patton astray in his pursuits for romance.

Being too quick to side with Janus when he should���ve known that the deceitful side only stood for selfishness and not the fair-played ambition Thomas valued.

And now: his treatment of Remus for most of their lives. Pushing him away, pretending he didn't exist, trying to erase their memories together.

How could he have the gall to claim that he saw Remus as an awful reflection of everything he didn’t want to be, when the whole point of looking into a mirror means facing you and you alone?

Even his metaphors were hypocritical.

It was a shock that nobody saw through that statement or called him out on how he had wronged just about everybody. How truly unfortunate it was that he had been declared the hero when he had done very little to live up to that title. Heroes weren't mean. They didn't make people feel bad about themselves for merely existing. They're supposed to defeat the bad guys, yes, but every time he had thought he was accomplishing that, it turned out that he was always off the mark. At least this time he had it right with Deceit, but still, that didn't erase the history he had with misjudging what was acceptable. He couldn't help but wonder what sort of reflection that must have on Thomas' content. If his creativity, which was supposed to be a force of pure good, had made a countless number of errors, what did that say about the things they were proud of? How many things had they put into the world that were imperfect? That had a misleading message? That was problematic and hurt people?

The realization had his throat tightening in panic. How could he ever have confidence in his work when he had such a flawed system of right and wrong? How-

...Wait.

Roman's spiraling thoughts were fortunately put on pause as he passed by his vanity, being pulled back to reality in an instant and finally noticing the splash of colours that had made themselves welcome on his skin once more. He gaped at his own reflection. It wasn’t as if he was unused to the sight per say, but he hadn’t realized anything had happened today that would affect Thomas’ ego. Remus’ appearance perhaps? He had the feeling that if there was any discussion to be had in light of that it would be on the goodness of his character, which could be a worthy-enough explanation. But if anything wouldn’t that what the large gash on the back of his head (fittingly) represented? So where had the others come from? Unless…

Was it him?  

His own self-criticism had never left a dent on his pride before. Usually his injuries tended to be the result of outside sources; the kind of things that come out of nowhere and hit at you harder than you could ever expect. Did this mean that his own words were on par with Thomas’ harshest critics?

Roman shakily sat down. This... was a good thing, right? Perhaps he was finally gaining some self-awareness. He had been trying to make amends for where he had fallen short in the past, so this could be the sign he was making progress.

Yes. This was good. And if it wasn't, then perhaps this was just apart of his repentance. At this point he was sure everyone would agree.

------------------

VIII - the art of learning to let go.

The thing about tightropes is quite interesting. Like most other skills, it is something that needs to be honed. At first you try on a smaller scale and fall off more times you can count, but it's alright because that's why you practice in a safe environment. And then you progress to something more risky, and this time you have other tools to help keep you steady. Before you know it, you're up doing the actual thing; a rope suspended tens of feet in the air and thousands of eyes watching your every move, each one wondering if you really will make it across, or if they're about to watch a great tragedy take place before them. When you misjudge your own abilities and are thrust upon that rope when you're unprepared, however, all of the practice you gained can feel as if it has slipped away. As soon as you take your first step, the rope wobbles and you know somewhere deep down that your fall will be inevitable. But with so many expectant eyes baring into you, what else are you to do but continue forward? Continue until you're halfway across and your balance is so shaky that all you can do is watch as the rope swings backwards and forwards beneath your feet until you give up on trying to steady yourself entirely and-

Roman let go of the rope he had been clinging onto.

There was no grace in the way that he fell. It wasn't even a matter of choosing a side; ego or change. At first he fell so gradually that he didn't feel it at all, placing all of his thoughts and opinions into a neat little box and shoving them aside. Trying so hard to adapt, trying to be feel comfortable clinging to reasoning that contradicted his role, his meaning, his existence- and before he knew it, he was plummeting towards the ground because even then, that little piece of purpose he was forcing himself to mold his worth around did nothing but feed into the self-righteousness that must've always been there, hiding away under the surface.

Roman could only describe the feeling as air-sickness when he sunk out, his very being thrown into weightless uncertainty. Once he appeared back at his safe place, the place he wanted to be most, he felt his body connect with the ground once more as he collapsed onto the floor, body shaking with sobs and wounds he already knew were appearing.

He had been so stupid. Every step he took was littered with mistakes. Just when he thought he had learned, to try to be more accepting, to know when to give up, to listen to others instead of forging his own path, another thing came along and knocked him back to where he started and he was thrown back into the cycle of trying to atone for his actions. A cycle that never seemed to end.

His arm fractured and started to swell.

For once he thought he finally had it figured out. If he just followed the person who should've known what was best for Thomas, even if it meant going back on his own desires, surely then he would be on the right side for once. But all of a sudden that was wrong and now it was all his fault that so many bad outcomes had come about as a consequence of his lack of assertion. He may not have loaded the gun, but he had pulled the trigger, and that made him more culpable than anyone else.

His nose ached as if hit by an unseen force and began dripping blood.

Even his attempts at keeping his ego in check were all for nothing because the moment he felt threatened he lashed out towards Janus, the side who now all of a sudden deserved a seat at the table because he had gained Patton's favor (nevermind that he had agreed with him first. Oh no, that was just Roman being naive and easy to sway if only you stroke his ego a little. What importance could his opinions possibly have?). But that was the thing, wasn’t it? In the end he just couldn’t win, no matter what he did. When he tried to silence his voice it was too obvious and attention-seeking, and when he chose to project his thoughts it was too loud and abrasive. When he spoke out he was punching down, but when others did the same they were punching up up up. It left him wondering how much more he had to fall before it was no longer deemed okay to kick him while he was down. Was it his fault for choosing to sit atop his golden pedestal, making himself seem forever untouchable and unable to be hurt? And would things be different if he was sensitive like Patton? Complicated like Virgil? Respectable like Logan? Had he been making a mistake all along by pretending to be stronger than he was? But how was he ever supposed to let go of the walls he had built, knowing that the second they crumbled, all the things he had been trying to protect himself from would pass through and destroy everything he had worked so hard for? Maybe it was time to accept that this was all he could be; that there was no way for him to change, no way to soften his edges or stick firm to his beliefs that wouldn’t end with him in a losing position.

His ribs ached, bending unnaturally until he felt a snap in his chest.

Perhaps Janus was right by calling him evil. He had proven it time and time again that he was no good for Thomas. In fact, it wouldn’t be unreasonable to say that he was worse than Remus. At least he couldn't help the way he was, didn't have control over the problems he caused unlike Roman. He was supposed to be the half with all the bad parts removed. The 2.0 version, new and improved. He had no excuse for being as flawed as he was, not really. All this time spent thinking he was the good twin, and it was nothing more than an act of self-delusion. The grandeur of a side with nothing to show for it beyond his words.

His eyelid puffed up and mottled with colour.

...He was bad. Unneeded. Evil.

The capillaries across his knuckles burst and stained them a violent red.

Everything would be so much better if he just-

"Broman?" Oh shit.

Romans eyes flew open. And he realized belatedly that he wasn't looking at his floor; his floor had intricate Persian rugs and a soft fluffy carpet. This one had various stains and burns and felt scratchy against his fingers.

"What the fuck. Princey? You good?"

1) He wasn't in his room. 2) Wherever he was, Remus and Virgil were here too.

"M-my mistake! I must have accidentally sunk out to the wrong place. If you'll excuse me-" He tried, but his voice was hoarse and clearly not okay. Of all times for his acting skills to have failed him.

"Oh no you don't."

Before he could sink out through the floor, two arms latched under his armpits and hoisted him upright. He choked back a gasp at the sudden movement, senses flashing white as his injuries were jostled. He barely heard the shocked exclamation in front of him before the two voices discussed something hastily and he was deposited onto a soft surface. The ringing in his ears faded, just in time to hear Virgil speak.

"What happened? " He asked, voice layered with anxiety and sounding on the verge of a panic attack. Roman would have tried to reassure him if he didn't feel like his entire body was on fire.

"It just happens sometimes, when Thomas’ ego gets bruised." Remus answered bitterly when it became clear his brother wasn't in a position to explain. He then muttered under his breath: "Though this time is different, huh?"

"What? I thought- I didn’t know it got this bad.” Virgil whispers, horrified.

"Sorry you have to see this, Finding Emo." Roman croaked once he began slowly coming back to his senses. He would regret not being more composed later, but right now he couldn't really bring himself to care about anything. “I’ll be as good as Gucci soon.”

"No. Shut the fuck up, you don't get to say that." Remus said angrily. Why did he sound so mad? Roman tried to crack open his eyes to check, but the world was still spinning too much for him to really recognize what was he was seeing. On top of that it seemed one of his eyes was swollen shut. Joy. That'll make it more difficult to patch himself up later.

"'Told you before, I can handle myself." He finally managed.

"Yeah? Was that you 'handling yourself' when you dropped in and started bleeding all over my floor? Or when you stopped talking to me and kicked us 'dark sides' to the curb because your sense of superiority was more important? Or when you started acting like a royal prick to everyone just so they wouldn't know you spend your nights licking your wounds?"

"Stop." Roman pleaded, shamefully curling into himself as much as his body allowed in its current state. Remus paused in his tirade before continuing, more quietly.

"If you're uncomfortable just from that, you should try watching your brother slowly self-destruct for years and not being able to do anything about it. That's fucking uncomfortable." Roman heard a sniffle, and his body went cold. He hadn't heard Remus get upset since they were kids. Sometimes he forgot that there was more to his brother than his disgusting unpredictable persona, and the thought that he could've been hurting Remus all this time was something that had never even crossed his mind.

"I'm..." Sorry? Was he sorry? Apologizing was practically second nature at this point, but he couldn't even tell if the words would be genuine if he said them. Was he sorry for his actions or for hurting Remus, or was it the fact that he had been caught at all? If he had it his way, none of this would be happening, so perhaps he wasn't as apologetic as he thought. He really was the worst, wasn't he?

Remus seemed to pick up on what he was thinking about saying, because he laughed; not in his usual cartoon-ish way, but resigned and hurt. The sound pulled at Roman's heart. "Save it. Here's what's going to happen you Walmart Prince Eric knockoff. You’re going to accept our help whether you like it or not, and if you try to pull any self-sacrificing BS at any point, I’m going to eat your entire makeup collection.”

“...You wouldn’t. You don’t like the way glitter sticks to your teeth.” Roman argued weakly, just for the sake of being contrary.

“Try me.”

Roman sighed. He really didn’t doubt that Remus would be petty enough to go through with his threats, especially since he knew it how much it would bother Roman to summon a new set. In any case, he wasn’t in a position to do much of anything at the moment, and now that it was too late to pretend like this never happened, he figured he might as well roll with it. Future him could deal with the consequences later.

“Okay.” He said after a moments pause, looking to the Virgil-shaped figure, as much as the crick in his neck would allow. “...Just don’t tell Patton about this. Not yet.”

The figure shuffled, out of what was probably awkwardness after having watching the twins argue. “No worries dude. We’re not exactly on- uh. Y’know what, nevermind, I’ll just go get the medical kit.”

During the moments that Virgil had shuffled off, there was an empty silence. Roman spent it trying to blink his uninjured eye back into focus, until he was finally able to spot Remus standing across from him, an uncharacteristically glum look on his face. "You look like you're going to a funeral."

"Don't even joke about that. I don't need more thoughts about-"

"Death? I thought that was pretty par for the course."

Remus smiled wryly at him, sarcastic and mocking. "You dying, dummy. D'you think I never imagined it? Something happening and you disappearing because you never let anyone help you- and me not even knowing it happened? Finding out much too late? Being alone?"

Roman didn't know what to say to that. "Sorry." He blurted out, and this time he felt like he meant it. "If it means anything in retrospect, I wouldn't have ever let it go that far. I think."

"'You think.'" Remus repeated. "God, you need some self-care. It's a shame you and Jan-jan weren't friends before. It's supposed to be his job to make sure this kind of thing doesn't happen, you know."

Roman felt himself flinch at the mention of Janus' name before he could control it. If Remus noticed, he didn't get the chance to comment on it, because at that moment Virgil came bustling back with a first aid kit.

"I didn't know what else you needed, so I got some water, balms, bandages, frozen peas, and creams. Just in case." He spoke, noticeably out of breath.

"Water?" Roman asked as a glass was held towards him. He pushed himself upright with some effort and accepted it.

"For painkillers." Virgil replied, handing him some pills once he had set the other items down. "Also your throat sounded kinda rough, and when you cry a lot you can get dehydrated, so..."

Surreptitiously, Roman wiped at his face and tried to not feel too embarrassed that the two of them had heard him wail like a toddler who'd had their favourite toy taken away. Before he knew it, he had taken the pills and downed half of the glass while the other two sides unpacked the medical supplies. Virgil really had thought of everything he might have needed.

Roman blinked as he watched them, stunned that he would go to so much effort. "This is very thoughtful of you, Medic Parade."

Virgil paused as he pieced together the nickname, and then scowled. "Mayday doesn't even sound anything like medic- and it's not. I just didn't want to- y'know- get the wrong things and make it worse."

Remus elbowed Virgil in the side, perhaps in an attempt to cheer him up. "Hey, you can't do any worse than what we did the first time Ro got a booboo."

"...And what was that?" Virgil's hesitant tone indicated he wasn't sure if he want to know.

"Nothing!" Remus grinned.

"I'm pretty sure that was just a concussion." Roman stated before Virgil got the wrong idea and thought they were totally stupid, looking upward as he tried to recall the incident Remus was talking about. It felt like forever ago now. "Not like anything could be done, to be fair."

"'Just'-" Virgil made a strange choked sound. "Is this what my life's gonna be now? Having a worry-induced heart attack every 5 minutes?"

"Welcome to the club!" Remus cheered, offering a fist bump which Virgil ignored in favour of burying his head in his hands.

"Goddammit. Alright- let's get this show on the road I guess. Roman, take your shirt off." When Remus' eyebrows started waggling, clearly about to make an inappropriate comment, Virgil waved his hands wildly to stop him. "So we can look at the damage! Shut your mouth Remus!"

"I didn't say anything." He intoned, looking overly smug before turning to Roman expectantly.

Said man frowned, placing the glass of water on the bedside table next to him. Before he made any move, he glanced at Virgil who was looking red either out of Remus-induced embarrassment or frustration. Mood. "You don't have to stick around for this part if you don't want to. It can be a bit much, so I wouldn't blame you."

"I'm not a baby, Roman." Virgil retorted, crossing his arms. "Making sure you don't die or something is way more important than my comfort. I can't promise you'll be safe from me calling you an idiot until you're better, though."

Roman looked away again. Was that condescending of him to ask? He opened his mouth to apologize, before closing it in resignation. No need to make this into an issue; he'll ask Virgil whether he felt belittled later. "...Okay. That's fair."

Instead of going through the pain of trying to remove a shirt with a possibly broken rib, he snapped and it disappeared. He heard a sharp inhale, but in response to what, he didn't know. Roman looked downwards to check. Among the remnants of previous attempts at self-healing (some messier than others), the area around his right rib was inflamed and a large portion of his stomach was splotched with purple. Noticeably, his left arm was also burning red, but luckily it seemed like the fracture there was non-displaced, which hopefully meant it would heal quicker. Other than that, there weren't any major injuries besides his black eye and bloody nose that needed attention. Could be worse, considering how god-awful he felt! 

Remus whistled. "You look like someone took a dalmatian and made it the colours of the bi-flag."

"Yeah. That's- weirdly accurate." Virgil winced. "What hurts most?"

"Uh- My arm and my ribs I suppose. They're a little... on the broken side."

"That's what I thought." Virgil muttered under his breath, grabbing the items to make a split. "I'll deal with those first, Remus you help with his nose and the bruising. And if you want to make yourself useful, hold these peas to your eye, dumbass."

"Your bedside manners are impeccable." Roman said sarcastically, taking the bag of peas and exhaling as he adjusted to the cold feeling pressed against his face. "...Here I thought there would be a grace period before you started calling me names."

"Just calling it like I see it." Virgil hummed. With deft fingers, he held the splint under Roman's forearm and began winding the bandages around it. "You should probably make an actual brace later when you're up to it, but hopefully this should keep it in place and remind you to not use it for now."

"But that sides my dominant arm-" Roman whined, about to complain about how he was supposed to get work done until Remus pinched the bridge of his nose none too gently, and he yelped. "Ow! Remus."

"Think of that as payback for the last 15 years." Remus replied lightly. "Tilt your head back."

Begrudgingly, Roman complied, resting his head against the headboard.  He stared at the ceiling as his brother and best friend silently worked their way around his injuries, applying topical ointment to his bruises and applying band-aids to small cuts. He didn't even realize they had finished until Remus bonked him on the head.

"All done! Shame it's not Halloween. You could go as a mummy again."

"Ha ha. What a comedian you are." Roman replied in a deadpan, but fought to keep a smile away anyway. The irony of how much he resembled that costume right now definitely wasn't lost on him.

"...I'm sorry for ruining that, by the way." Virgil spoke up suddenly from where he had been packing everything away, breaking the thoughtful silence he'd been in for the past few minutes. "Your costume during the Christmas video, I mean. And saying all of that harsh stuff to make a point."

Roman only stared, taken aback. "All of that happened half a year ago. I'm not upset about that."

"I know, I know. It's just... I've been thinking about it recently, all the times I haven't acted very...good." He bit his lip, averting his eyes. "Especially now, knowing that kind of thing literally hurts you."

"Virgil." Roman sighed softly, taking his hand. Virgil startled but didn't pull away. "You don't need to be 'good' all the time. Wasn't that the point you were trying to get across back then? All of us have made mistakes in our pasts, some more than others, but if you can forgive us for that, then you deserve the same acceptance for your less-than-stellar moments."

"Oh." He said, eyes glassy. His hand tightened around Roman's. "I'm still sorry, if I've ever made things worse for you or if I haven't been supportive enough."

"I- You have-"  Roman spluttered worriedly, sitting up.

"It's alright, I already know that we kinda work against each other at times. Part of the job." Roman's mouth closed with a grimace. "Still, it's unfair on you. You shouldn't be expected to perfect, especially not with an asshole like me there to tear into your work. So just...know that it's okay to tell us when you're struggling, okay?"

"Right..." Roman bit his cheek. Virgil seemed well-meaning, but showing that sort of weakness was a concept he still found difficult to accept, even if he had given in this time and allowed himself to be completely seen. Virgil noticed his lackluster agreement and patted him with his free hand.

"Hey. In almost any case we'd embrace you."

"...No one hates you."  Roman finished a beat later with a small smile. Virgil's face lit up and moved closer to his side. Upon seeing this, Remus unceremoniously squished himself between the two of them, careful not to bump against Roman too much (although Virgil definitely got the brunt of Remus crawling over him, to his dismay).

"Look at you two, my favourite dorks, bonding over feeling insecure!" He declared, throwing an arm around both of them. "Couldn't be me, but I still love you."

Roman poked Remus' side. "So that wasn't you admitting to being worried earlier?"

"Nope! New phone who dis?"

"You're insufferable." Virgil rolled his eyes fondly. "...I love you guys."

And Roman sighed contently, feeling safe and cared for. Things weren't perfect right now; he still needed time to heal and Remus and Virgil would undoubtedly want him to open up about what happened sooner or later, but for now he was was able to hear that he was loved and believe it to be true, and that was enough.

"I love you both too. Thank you."

[sinkix]

Haikyuu!!│Boys going grocery shopping w/ you! HC’s│Ft. Bokuto, Nishinoya, Terushima, Kuroo & Kunimi

I had this late night idea and just HAD to follow through, the chaos would be O F F T H E C H A R T S. Thank you to @deathcab4daddy​ for helping me brainstorm some good characters for this post lmao I love you bby and can’t wait to do a collab. <3

E N J O Y ~ 

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

BOKUTO:

WHEN I TELL YOU THIS BOI PICKS UP EVERYTHING IN SIGHT LIKE A 6 YEAR OLD

 I FUCKING MEAN IT.

“(Y/N) we need this” 

“Bokuto we do not need a 7th jar of peanut butter.”

 “But (Y/N) it has a squirrel on the front-”

“BOKUTO I SWEAR TO GOD”

Tries to drift on the edge of the cart like something straight outta CSGO and the cart nearly obliterates under his weight.

V e r y l o u d u n e c c e s s a r i l y.

Everyone always stares at y’all when you’re going through the isles bc ur literally escorting a man-child sprawled in a shopping cart who’s going “OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO” at everything he sees like he’s a toddler at the zoo who’s never encountered a chimpanzee before.

Unless you have a bottomless bank account do NOT take him shopping of any kind he is LETHAL.

When you’re at the check-out he turns it into a basketball competition and tries to launch everything perfectly on to the conveyor belt.

Volleyball player? Nah this sis with the NBA now.

Do not ask him to go get something, he will return with at least 9 items you didn’t need and everything BUT the item you requested

He turned up with a whole ass pineapple, a jar of jam, a stick of butter and a bottle of olive oil.

Like,,,where is the correlation in those items???

Once made the mistake of asking him to grab some pads from the hygiene section and specified it HAD to be with wings

Boy showed up ten minutes later and looking very confuzzled.

You questioned why he has a pack of wingless pads in one hand and a can of red bull in the other.

He said it’s because they didn’t have any with wings so he figured the Redbull would suffice and do the job for you.

i-

NISHINOYA:

Can literally fit him in the little cart seat made for kids and he LOVES it lmaoooo IT’S SO CUTE MY HEART.

HE JUST SWINGS HIS LEGS EXCITABLY WHILE YOUR GETTING STUFF AAAAAAA

Ppl give you such weird looks though bc you have a guy who’s at least 14 years older than the intended demographic sitting there and raising his hands in elation over you copping a cookie dough pie and chucking it in.

Again, another who is VERY LOUD FOR NO REASON AT ALL.

Get’s out of the cart after a while bc his legs be growing numb and begins roaming around.

Someone came back with a feral Noya in hand stating “Is this your child” WNDKJWEFNWJEF.

M’AM HE’S LIKE 18 EXCUSE YOU.

Was salty about it for the rest of the day.

Just ruffle his hair and call him Senpai 

Problem solved.

Picks up tons of exotic fruit that look more like plastic or fuzzy poisonous plants and begs you to get them.

“Noya what the fuck is that.”

“...a Pitaya.”

“...”

“Can we get it-”

“no.”

“(Y/N)-”

“I SAID NO DAMMIT”

Last time you bought some strange fruit he took it to practise and got Tanaka to spike it LMAOOO

IT SPLATTERED E V E R Y W H E R E

AND OVER DAICHI’S SHIRT.

He begged you to no longer allow Noya to purchase weird fruits from then on since he is like a child with a nerf gun.

He once picked up a phat wrinkly purple fruit and turned to you asking if it was an overgrown raisin.

“Noya sweetie that’s a Date.”

HE FULLY TSK’ED AND THREW IT BACK SINCE IT REMINDED HIM OF DATE TECH I CAN’T.

My boy out here defending Asahi even in the Grocery Isles.

We stan a loyal king.

TERUSHIMA:

Another one who tries to stand on the ledge and the cart wheels almost collapse because it wasn’t designed to hold the weight of a young adult.

Oh young adult??? Sorry I mean’t MAN CHILD.

He treats a shopping experience as a time to practise his aim apparently because he ALWAYS THROWS SHIT AT YOU TO THE POINT YOU’RE THREATENED TO BE KICKED OUT.

Definitely picks up phallic looking objects and places them against his crotch, snorting and saying “Like what you see (Y/N)?”

Homeboy is stood there in front of a wife and child presenting his cucumber appendage for the world to see.

He once grabbed a pair of fat ass melons and pressed them against his chest, shaking them and belting the lyrics to ‘My Milkshake’ while begging you to SQUEEZE HIS MELONS.

“Look (Y/N) they’re bigger than yours!”

I just- 

I give up.

Constantly tries to sneak mutli-packs of energy drinks into the cart to the point you’re convinced he is going to keel over from heart failure and kidney stones by the age of 20.

Has his airpods in 90% of the time and treats the isles as his personal dance floor.

He busting them MOVES and performing the MJ moonwalk while in the dairy section.

ONCE HE SLID TOO FAST AND SLIPPED ON HIS REAR IN FRONT OF LIKE 12 PEOPLE LMAOO

He was DEAD silent the rest of the trip.

Probably the most serene shopping experience you’ve had to date.

The checkout clerks occasionally hit on Mr. Sore-Ass over here.

Until he opens his mouth and they realise he’s a total dolt and question how you have the patience for him.

You don’t know either honestly.

The whole bagging experience is spent with them shooting you sympathetic glances as if to say ‘sis you shoulda’ left him at home’.

Yes, yes you should have.

Never a dull moment with Teru as your shopping partner.

KUROO:

LITERALLY LIKE A MIDDLE-AGED MAN OR A TODDLER WHEN Y’ALL GO SHOPPING THERE IS NEVER AN EVEN MIDDLE-GROUND.

Frequently cracks lame-ass food puns or dad jokes that make you want to crawl into a hole and die.

You have competitions on who can come up with the most and the loser always faces a penalty.

Kuroo and creating penalties do NOT mix safely so you better hope you win.

“I love you a waffle lot.” 

Proceeds to hold up a wrapped waffle.

Ok that one was kinda cute you’ll let it slide.

“I ap-peach-iate you Kuroo.”

Cue HyenaLaugh.mp3

“Want a pizza me baby? Bitch peas, doughnut take me lightly.”

You changed your mind.

You didn’t talk to him the duration of that shopping experience, no penalty could be as horrifying as what just came out of his mouth.

“(Y/N)... sometimes I feel like you don’t carrot all.”

You slapped him with said carrot and obviously had to pay for it after.

You forced him to eat it raw.

He is the definition of Neutral disaster when you go shopping.

Shitty food puns aside, he is actually very responsible when making sure you both get what you need.

Not without tons of poking, prodding, and blowing into your ear while you’re trying to decide what ingredients to buy for dinner.

You contemplated serving him a plate of bubbling snot and moulded broccoli seasoned with rosemary.

Bone apple teeth, bitch.

Ofc you didn’t because he always pulls out the puppy eyes and cuddles card after since he knows he’s well and truly rattled your patience lmao.

Actually picks really healthy food options?? Being the captain of a team he has the responsibility of keeping his health in top condition and leading by example so at least he knows the right ingredients to make a bomb-ass and nutritious meal ig.

Y’all always bicker and tease each other at the checkout which is usually great amusement for the clerk serving you as they often smirk and perceive you as an old married couple.

Which tbh you kinda are, it feels like it at least.

Still such a big asshole though lmao you never leave the store without your sanity being scathed.

KUNIMI:

Honestly just wanted an excuse to make jokes at the expense of the Aoba Johsai teammates.

and what better candidate for cracking these than Kunimi.

He’s a very chill partner to have tag along with you on your endeavours.

Not without some grumbling and groaning on his part though, lazy bitch.

You always finish shopping trips with a busted lung at how much you have been laughing though with some of the SHADY ASS REMARKS HE MAKES ABOUT THE OTHER TEAM MATES.

You were outside the store when you both spotted an angry looking Doberman tied to a nearby post.

“Smh who let Kyotani outside again.”

You hadn’t even set foot in the store yet and he was already spitting flaming insults.

[Walking up to the automatic double doors]

“Damn Oikawa move out of my way.”

Oikawa just tryna live and he keeps getting roasted for his flat cheeks 

#StopOikawaAssShaming

Ten minutes of scouring the store later he picks up a spikey Kiwano and compares it to Iwaizumi’s hair.

Proceeds to beg you not to tell my boy Iwa because he KNOWS he will get decked to the gym floor.

Passers by often wonder why you’re wheezing and producing noises like a boiling kettle.

When I tell you no one is safe, I mean N O O N E.

“These Yule logs really out here looking like Matsukawa’s brows.”

The finisher was when Kunimi picked up a turnip and said 

“Huh, kinda looks like Kindaichi.”

I just-

He could roast a whole chicken in minutes from the burn of these comments I stg.

You can now never look at the Seijou team without various foods or inanimate objects plaguing your thoughts.

Thanks, Kunimi.

[braunlvr]

sparks - megumi fushiguro

megumi fushiguro x gn!reader

in spite of how much he loved you, he knew pushing you away would keep you safe.

lowercase intended! word count: 3800

fic playlist on spotify:  https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5Qc6oUOFiWYKj9syyt9BQ1

- thank you so much to @oumashuui on tiktok for beta reading and editing this fic, i wouldn’t have finished it w/o you <333

if it were any other day, he would’ve ignored you. he did it for your own wellbeing – or, at least he liked to tell himself that, - and he didn’t see any real problem with keeping you at arm’s length. with the lives you both lead, one of curses and bloodbaths with the safety of humanity resting on your shoulders, it was better this way. he could see you every day, still. he could see you and know in his heart that he felt this chain keeping you two together, he would never leave your side as long as he had a choice, he would never sever that tie and try to escape from your company. you were just there, just close enough that he could protect you and yet far enough away that the chain dangled, far enough away that he felt he could keep you in his life without ruining yours. it wasn’t that he believed he would treat you badly or that he would ever even try to harm you; it was that he thought that with him, you would be stuck, that chain would no longer be your connection, it would become a prison. you could never be free and spread your wings, become as great as he knew you had the potential to be, if you were tied down by the hindrance he perceived himself to be. he would only hold you back, because you cared too much... he cared too much too, so much so that it was better to keep you his friend and alive than keep you all to himself and risk losing you, losing it all.

he wanted to stay with you, but how could he?

he only dreamt of softly pressing his lips against your forehead, holding you close to his chest and telling you how deeply he cared, how he would never let anyone, or anything, hurt you and how he would love you for forever and the endless days that would follow.

“well it’s sweet that you remembered the recipe,” you stated, holding a rice ball as maki and inumaki continued to eat quietly. they evidently didn’t have much of an opinion on the recently deceased friend, itadori.

“sweet, but when did he even teach you this?” nobara added, quirking a brow at megumi, who until then had been spaced out, stoically sat as he remembered yuji, pondering your previous remark. it took everything in him to keep his smile to a polite and non-ecstatic one. still. even still, he couldn’t help the wistful tone that flickered in his voice when he replied.

“does it really matter? i cooked it and his recipe is still delicious, we’re just remembering him,” nobara rolled her eyes and kept her mouth set in a tight line for a while, not wanting to press the subject too hard. she knew how the blow of itadori’s death hit the three of them, especially megumi. he watched him die, an incident which she was falteringly grateful to have not been a part of.

megumi glanced back at you, who was now joining the tree kyoto sister school sorcerers in silently enjoying the food he’d served. something was oddly reassuring about watching you eat. it meant you were taking care of yourself, keeping yourself strong and healthy, keeping yourself alive. a calming warmness fell around him - knowing you were okay meant everything to him. 

a profound, guttural feeling of absolute adoration for you kept him anchored and as level-headed as he seemed to be. you were here, not risking your life fighting off roaming nightmares that crept out from under his bed, born from the trepidation of losing you to a monster he could not save you from. 

                                              ________________

you weren’t on a mission, and at last, there was no immediate cause for concern for a brief moment. you could all breathe, finally nobara could go and sightsee as she wished to, everyone could release the weight that had unknowingly tensed their shoulders and relax their fists for one afternoon. nobara wandered the streets of tokyo, watching them through her phone as she held it in awe, recording every building and photographing every inch of a market she found. meanwhile, you put some time away for megumi, you wanted to keep his head up and keep him thinking as positive as possible. he and itadori were good friends, from what you had gathered. he always seemed to only talk to you as much as he needed too, enough to not seem rude or like he wanted to escape you. as disheartening as it might’ve been, it didn’t stop you from being friends with everyone else. it wasn’t exactly by choice, if it wasn’t for them first approaching you it would definitely be a different story. 

“you want to go where?” megumi frowned, tentatively glancing out of the window as if he was checking that he wasn’t going insane, and it really was the middle of autumn. “it’s freezing...”

“i know that!” you stitched your brows together in back at him, insulted that he thought you were that incompetent. “it’s not like we’re going swimming! just for a walk...”

he quirked a brow, “you want to travel all the way to the beach, get on the train and everything, just for a walk?” at this point megumi knew how suspicious he was being. they’d been to the beach not too long ago, at this point his desire to be away from her was coming on a little too strong. his eyes briefly caught your features and for a moment his heart ached, the slight look of defeat gracing your expression sent his gut whirling. you nodded, deflated by his rejection. it stung in a different way to what you were used to with him. this impaled you straight to the core, why was he being so stand-offish? every chance he got he would turn you down, but you two would speak daily and seemed to be friends... it’s like he was only talking to you out of courtesy, not because he wanted to. 

maybe he was too polite for his own good, he couldn’t even be clear of his own feelings toward you. 

“meet me in the city,” he suddenly said, stopping her dead in her tracks. she whipped around to face him, a bewildered and unnaturally happy gleam to her eyes. but he was already walking away, down the hallway until he turned a corner and swiftly disappeared from sight. it was almost cool, and left you in awe, until his tousled black tendrils appeared once more, and his midsummer midnight eyes properly met yours for what might’ve been the first time ever. “specifically at sendai nights, the restaurant, uhm, please,” and with that, he was gone again.

for a moment you stood perfectly still, catching your breath at the moment that, for you, still hadn’t passed. he met your gaze. you saw him, and he saw you. had that ever happened before? he’s always looking at the ground, or at least anything that wasn’t you. he didn’t even do it when he shook your hand at your first meeting. perhaps it was just a him thing? but even so, he saw you.

                                             ________________

“thanks for meeting me,” you turned to see megumi approaching you from behind. he wasn’t in his jujutsu tech uniform, it was replaced with a loose jacket over a hoodie and shirt. he was still clad in black, though, so it wasn’t too shocking. what did seem unusual, however, was his lack of eye contact again. perhaps your encounter earlier that day was a fluke. the moment never left your mind though, recalling how you sank into those deep inky pools resembling the ocean at night in a manner of seconds. a fluttery, almost uncomfortable feeling hadn’t shifted since he’d left you in the hallway, standing statuesque as you tried to register everything that’d happened.

“technically i invited you out,” you remark, “you just changed the plan a little,” megumi’s breath formed a cloud in front of his face as a short laugh escaped him. he looked down at the sloping street he’d just climbed to meet you, and nodded in its direction. you followed him as he turned to return to the bottom of the hill and make your way to the train station. “but you’re welcome,”

something warm snaked between his arm and side, and megumi looked to find your arm linked with his, his hand in his pocket and yours gently holding his elbow. your tentative grip gave away your hesitance, if not how you were trying to keep your body as far away as possible while keeping your arms interlocked. his face softened, you didn’t need to do him any favours to try to make him feel comfortable. with you, he was at his calmest, he felt as if he could take one step upward and float through the air. almost like that one movie you loved so much, the one with the sorcerer who walked through the air with that girl. he didn’t really pay too much attention to the movie, his focus was on you and how happy you looked. he wished that you could stay like that forever. he could only wonder whether you could ever be that happy if you were with him.

“aha, sorry, i’m just cold,” you awkwardly chuckle, further loosening your grip on him. all of a sudden, before he could think about what he was doing, he’d clamped his elbow down on yours, firmly but tenderly pulling you into his side and into his warmth. his body heat immediately eased your shivering. 

“don’t apologise, y/n...” he began to say, keeping his eyes firmly on the street in front of him. with you so close his senses were heightened. this, the way you were, how close you were, sent him into a frenzy - every passer-by was suspicious and he couldn’t get rid of the thought that he never wanted to let you go.

reaching the station wasn’t long, in theory, but to two individuals silently walking arm in arm and barely breathing as to not disturb the peace, it took forever. standing on the platform with megumi positioned only a few feet away as you sat on the bench behind, both of you awaiting your train, the air was thick and icy. neither of you had spoken a word since he told you not to apologise, for a minute you wondered if he was secretly a cursed speech user. that idea soon faded as you watched him scouting out the train tracks and surrounding platform, his eyes on everyone else standing in close proximity except you. it was as if he was searching for something, someone, and that any sudden movements would send him flying in rage. with his eyebrows stitched together, a worrisome look ghosting his eyes, he looked quite beautiful, if you were being honest.

the train arrived after a while, and still neither of you spoke a word, you spoke in nods and slight hand gestures. you’d be lying if you said it wasn’t nice to just silently enjoy his company for a while, as usually the two of you would have the world on your shoulders and your lives on the line but now, you could just be together. which is all you both wanted, whether you were aware or not. 

“i’m sorry if i sounded demanding earlier,” the silence was broken, “it’s just me, aha,” his apology was met with silence, except the gentle rock and roar of the train moving from station to station, “but, i, really you don’t have to apologise, i don’t mind...”

“don’t mind because you want to link arms with me or don’t mind because you’re being polite?” you wondered. megumi’s face suddenly contorted in confusion. oh no, had you said it out loud? more questions arose as he shifted slightly closer to you on your shared seat, his arm lifted and coming toward your face. you closed your eyes, tight, thinking maybe when you opened them he would be in the same seat as before and not saying anything. 

the closer he loomed, the more your heart pounded. his hand reached the beanie you were wearing, and from it he retrieved a crispy fallen leaf, one that must’ve fallen onto you when you were making your way to the station. a brief and partly forced laugh left you as you tried to focus on the leaf he retrieved and not on how close he was to you, and how he was staring at the side of your face. to him, every curve of your side profile captured him, you were like an art piece in a gallery. he may have stared too long, as he noticed your somewhat sudden uncomfortable demeanour. 

“you know,” he said, almost in whisper, “i don’t want to make you feel that way, uncomfortable i mean, i just, it’s not my intention...” your face softens at his words, which he automatically mirrored, “i just, you’re nice to look at, is all...”

“for someone who hadn’t looked me in the eye until a few hours ago i find that hard to believe,” you found yourself speaking words without meaning to, though you found you weren’t embarrassed. you could say anything around megumi, that’s just how he made you feel. he did seem taken aback, though, until he laughed it off. little did you know it was only to keep the awkwardness at bay from such an upfront question.

he knew what his answer was. the rest of the journey to the beach, the two of you kept talking quite a bit, to both of your surprise, but not a single second passed that megumi didn’t drink everything in about you. as every second passed, his walls were lowering but it was as if you were already clambering over them at your own pace. he supposed you probably were intrigued by him. how could he fault you for that? he did keep himself a mystery from you, for your own safety.

                                              _______________

your train finally fell still at the station. just as the doors gave way to the fresh air of the coast so close by, megumi took your hand in his, a brave move on his behalf, and led you out and down the stairs to the street below. with your hand in his, you could feel how rough they were. intricate scars riddled his palm and fingers - despite them, his grasp was gentle and made your chest tight; you’d never felt safer in such damaged hands. 

he looked back to send you a reassuring look as he pulled you through the crowds of strangers, him being the only familiar face, his hands being the only ones you could trust. he looked at you then, his inky eyes piercing into yours. you couldn't help but think - you’d never seen such dark eyes with so much light in them. under fluorescent street lights the two of you navigated your way to the coast, until finally you saw the horizon, the sun bathing the ocean waves and the sparse clouds in dappled sunlight.  you instinctively squeezed megumi’s hand in excitement; a quick glance down and megumi found your hands completely interlocked with no hopes of wiggling free. it was perfect. his eyes trailed up your arm until he met your mesmerised face gazing into the distance. his heart rapidly beat against his ribcage, every thought was slurred by the intoxicating idea of you, just holding and being near you was enough to send his mind racing. 

“oh my god,” you whispered, entranced by the exchange of light and glittering waves before you, an oil painting for a sky above you, it were as if you were trapped in a dream. your head turned, a wide and breathless smile gracing your lips, and for a second time you met megumi’s eyes. your smile faltered purely out of embarrassment, you were so unbelievably close and the distance only seemed to grow smaller by the second. 

the feeling was so strange; it stretched throughout your whole body. it was overwhelming, yet made you feel complete. it had no bound nor length nor depth; it was simply absolute. it felt as though you were engulfed in flames, yet you were completely safe at the same time. it felt as though someone has given you peace. it felt as though your heart was dancing around your chest; and a hole, you were never aware was there, had been filled. you felt so light, like you’re on top of the world yet your heart is constricting and it feels as if there’s no oxygen in your lungs.

your lips meet, your eyes close, and time stops. 

in the moment of the kiss you both were your purest and most vulnerable selves.

in your embrace the world stopped still on its axis. there was no time, no wind, no ocean crashing into the land. megumi’s mind was at peace. how could it be that he hadn't felt your love for what it was before? pure. unselfish. undemanding. free. now, he felt it all crashing down on him like a ton of bricks. it was gentle and heavy all at once, almost as if you were releasing it all at once. he felt your body press in, soft and warm. ths was the love he'd waited for, prayed for. he inwardly thanked whatever force had brought you together and hugged all the tighter. 

breathless once more, you pulled back finally, “oh my god,” you whispered, again. the two of you laughed, never letting the other go from the embrace you’d found yourself in. megumi made eye contact, and your heart ached, that wasn’t going to lose its effect any time soon. he gently stroked your cheek, his thumb caressing it with a touch like a butterflies wing. he suddenly didn’t know what to do with himself, you were both entangled and the closest you’d ever been. 

“what happened to keeping you safe?” he wondered, helpless to the urge to kiss you again and again until he couldn't anymore. looking at you then, everything was clearer than it had ever been before, it all took on a newfound clarity, as if he’d been watching the world through a smoke screen until that moment. what’s different? what’s changed and left him completely unable to keep his feelings at bay any longer? every question he asked himself only caused more to arise. until finally you snapped him out of his thoughts, pressing forward and tenderly grazed your lips against his cheek, and it was as if you knew how he was feeling; like you could hear every question flowing through his mind. somehow, you could feel his whole being twist with the sudden mind numbing fear that he may have just ruined everything. 

“y/n…” he started, eyes tracing your wistful face. everything about you seemed to have changed. “i.., i thought that by pushing you away i was keeping you safe… we, we fight curses everyday together, risk our lives, and look what happened to itadori! i don’t know what i’d do if i lost you the same way,” by then the two of you had separated, you were walking toward the shoreline. he looked back to see you intensely staring at the ground, as he tried to push out the thought that perhaps you were laughing at him and were trying to hide it. “but i’ve realised, i, uh… i’ve realised that maybe i don’t have to,” you whip your head up to look at him, he’s still looking at you and he’s waiting for you to catch up. even in the most insignificant ways, he was always there for you - he wouldn’t go anywhere without you anymore. he wouldn't - no, he couldn't. he needed you by his side.

“what do you mean?” you ask quietly, now strolling down the shore, hesitating but longing to hold his hand. megumi stared out ahead of him, not quite sure if he really was brave enough to look you in the eyes when he said it. if he could fight and exorcise curses, he could look someone in the eye and tell them how he really felt. 

“i want to keep you safe and protect you no matter what,” he stated, “and i don’t want to do it from afar anymore…” he stopped in the sand, his body tensed and mouth dry, and offered out his hand in spite of how clammy he could feel it getting. your eyes didn’t leave his for a second as your fingers brushed gently over his palm, until they tangled with his and the two of you tightly bound yourselves to one another. it felt right. “i want… i want to be by your side, for as long as you’ll have me…”

“everyday is the same… i see you and i keep falling in love with you, each time is harder than the last. every time the feeling gets deeper, more profound. there isn't a thing i wouldn't do to keep you safe. ” his gaze is now set on the horizon, the sun nestled behind the waves. you haven’t spoken yet, or even moved since he started speaking. now, he was well and truly petrified of facing you. 

“but what about you?” your voice tears his focus from the ocean. there you were again being selfless. he questioned what you meant, but his thought was interrupted by your voice cutting through the air once more. “what about you? you’re talking about keeping me safe but what about you and your safety? i care about your safety too, it’s not just you…” 

had he been unintentionally selfish? he hadn’t even considered how you might’ve felt about his well-being. he was so dizzy with his love for you that he had only thought about whether or not you would reciprocate his feelings. “i, i didn’t think about that…” he admitted, now somewhat ashamed. your shoulders dropped, of course he didn’t. he worried too much about you to focus on himself. 

“i know… but, i mean,” you clutch his hand reassuringly, which seemed to startle him, “if you really do plan on staying with me forever, then i suppose i can worry about you, if you won't worry about yourself.” the corners of your lips turn upwards, and he sighs with intense relief. everything about him unbound itself and relaxed completely in your clasp. your free hand chose to roam his ivory cheekbones and into his navy curls. he smiled crookedly at you, with eyes that were somewhat glossy, but he withheld the urge to cry quite well; instead opting to kiss you once more.