#so i got mad that he couldn't even stay sober for a COUPLE OF HOURS to talk to me

[tittyinfinity]

Depression/PTSD recovery is wild because you could be doing greater than you've ever been in your life but then one small thing happens that reminds you of "that time" and suddenly all of the past emotions flood back into you and you feel like you're back to being the kid who's crying and shaking in the corner wondering if the people closest to you would be so much happier without you

[jujutsuflavoredpeach]

Choso, Chapter Five.

Pairing Choso x fem!reader Other Characters Yuji Itadori Content angst, hurt, choso neighbour, best friend nanami, slow burn romance Warnings domestic violence mentions, mentions of physical abuse, mild language

CHAPTER SIX

Of course, Nanami had your personal info, like the number to your account where he deposited money weekly to give you a start up. That made your anxiety rise through the roof. It only meant more money that you would have to save after you found a job to pay him back. You only bought necessities, some more clothes and food, obviously, but the rest of the money you didn't touch. He insisted you leave it there for emergencies and you figured you'd deposit back the money into his account as soon as you got the beautiful job that was out there somewhere, just for you. You hoped.

As for your health, he had made an appointment with his main doctor to check on your bruises and overall health. Nanami knew you wouldn't go on your own to a public hospital, and that you needed a type of discretion that he most definitely could afford, so he arranged all of it for your comfort. Fortunately you were okay, but the doctor made it very clear that if you had stayed 'with that miserable good-for-nothing man' the story probably would have been different. You were thankful, and relieved that your body had endured, as crazy as it sounds, you were okay. Nanami knew you were eager to find a job, and for that you needed a body. Your body. And he was right, you needed to know where you were at.

As for Choso and his brother, you hadn't seen them in a while. You'd wake up at seven in the morning and head to the city to check the job listings. The times just didn't match up. Choso got up early, you at eight in the morning. He was already working, while you were touring the city of Tokyo looking for what he already had. You had even gotten back in touch with your old employers. In general, they were fond of you, since you were very committed in practically all your jobs, although you did not have the same trust with everyone, but some did promise to call you back if something came up.

In the meantime, you focused on giving the new place some finishing touches.

Choso felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand up every time he passed the door of your apartment. Sometimes he could hear the occasional noise, and sometimes, just sometimes, he would stand in the middle of the hallway when he got home from work, just to see if you were there. He dared not knock on your door.

He knew Nanami. He was the owner of the building, and rented the apartments privately. He was meticulous, and liked to get to know the tenants. For Choso, Kento was just a sober and reserved guy without much to say, and he'd always been kind, at least to Yuji and him.

One night in particular, Choso couldn't stop thinking… about you. Maybe because it had been a couple of weeks and you guys hadn't crossed paths at all. Which was kind of weird and hard to imagine, but even Yuji hadn't seen you in all that time.

'I can't have my best friend and my neighbor whom I met less than twenty four hours ago fix my entire life. Nanami's done enough, and you have too Choso. ¿Understood?'

You needed your space, time to adjust. Choso already knew you were trying to get a job, which probably had you pretty drained. He wasn't even mad that you had declined his offer to work at the bakery, because he understood you were trying to move on by yourself, probably the only way you were used to do things.

Thanks to Nanami you were able to get back on your feet quickly, and he was happy for you, but a slow night's day off gave Choso plenty of free time to think.

'Today you've made me so happy. You are a person... with a big heart.'

Every time he put on his work t-shirt that he had worn that afternoon, he could swear that at times he felt the fabric squeezing over his chest, as if it were you, clinging to him again. Everything came back to him like a wave crashing against his brain; the small corners of your lips curving into a smile, the palm of your hand melting into the side of his face, the flutter of your lashes, and his own hands resting over your body. Your words had taken his heart in their hands and had used it like a punching bag, in a good way.

It was late at night, and Yuji's sweet tooth had activated, asking his big brother for a fluffy stack of pancakes with maple syrup. Truth be fair, he wanted pancakes too. Having flipped a few pancakes already, he was going for the next one, but a wild scream from Yuji's room made him lose all concentration and the spongy dough went flying high. Fortunately, Choso was much faster and the pancake fell right back into the pan. He abruptly turned off the stove annoyed at the sudden loudness, and rushed to Yuji's room.

"¿What the hell happ-"

Choso squinted, tongue in cheek, tilting his head questioningly.

"¿Is that a skirt?"

He pointed at the item of clothing that Yuji was holding as if his fingers were clothespins.

"Yeah, this isn't the shirts I ordered online. But this was at our door, so… ."

"Blimey. ¿I wonder who might be the only woman living on this apartment floor?." Choso replied sarcastically, grazing his chin with his fingers with a thoughtfull expression on his face. "¿Did you not read the shipping tag?"

They both looked at each other for a moment and Choso shook his head already knowing the answer.

"Of course you didn't, you animal."

He sat on the bed, looking at the box the skirt had arrived in. Yuji had ravaged it. There was also a white shirt and a vest.

'¿A uniform?' Choso thought.

"¡Look! A fancy card." Yuji said raising his eyebrows. "Hmm… Grand Hyatt Tokyo's Exclusive Private Gentleman's Club."

"¿Say that again?" Choso asked in a dark tone.

"I'd rather- not." said Yuji looking at his brother's eyes and jumped on the spot with a yelp when Choso snatched the card out of his hands.

"This has her name on it. It's Y/n's name."

The incessant banging on your door made you jump out of bed with a hand to your chest.

You'd gotten a job at a brand new club starting tomorrow night. They clearly stated that the uniform would be sent to your adress the day before, but you'd yet not recieved it, so you had decided to go to bed early and go straight to the post office in the morning to try and fix the issue, otherwise you would be in trouble.

Two more knocks resounded loudly, making you stop halfway.

"It's Choso. Open up."

He sounded upset.

'What the hell happened?'

Your eyes were wide as saucers. It was eleven o'clock at night.

"Choso."

"¿Did you find a job?"

He towered over you with his jaw clenched, and you noticed the creases on his forehead.

"¿How would you know?"

"¿Is this it?"

Choso saw that from one moment to another, your face went from confusion to total relief, which made him open his mouth and then stick his lips back together again. Your eyes were fixed on the neatly folded garments in the palm of his hand, with the card on top.

"¡Yes! ¡You go it! Thank you so, so much. Wait ¿How on earth did you have this?" you brought the uniform to your chest with the biggest smile on your face.

"Yuji-"

"I'm really sorry. I was going to tell you as soon as I got this… I really wanted you to know I'd gotten back to work. Now I'll be able to treat you guys with my own money. ¡Can't wait! I haven't done anything to repay your kindess, but in all honesty it wouldn't be my treat if I used my friend's money so-"

"¿What's a gentleman's club?" Choso cut you off.

"Oh." you read the card in a heartbeat and thought he must've read it too, of course. "Just a place for boring old man in suits to get together and drink. I'll be serving cocktails and peanuts all night long. It's like a social club for smug high ups."

"¿Is it a late night job?"

"Yah, mostly. I start at eight o' clock, and the service can last until four in the morning. It can be a drag, especially when they ask for a private room."

Choso's stomach churned. He felt a sudden heat on the back of his neck and a strange numbing feeling in the tip of his ears. His neck and arm veins throbbed due to the excruciating tension he felt.

"¿Private… room?"

"Few select men that get together in this little rooms, and you have to stand there with a cart full of cocktails, cigars and whatnot. Serve them what they want, light up their cigar. If you chat 'em up the tips are pretty good. I've done it before, no biggie." you took a second to study his face. "¿Are you feeling okay?"

"I'm-"

"¿Should I try these on?"

The way you looked into his eyes, Choso wasn't sure if he was losing blood through his nose, or maybe his ears. He wasn't sure why he nodded. You told him to seat on the couch and wait a few minutes while you changed in your room and came back. Being honest with yourself, you were super excited and couldn't wait to try on the uniform. The fitted shirt, the short elegant skirt and the vest fitted you like a glove. You checked yourself in front of the mirror for a couple of seconds and went back to the living room.

Your bottom lip was trapped between your teeth and the corner of your lips turned upward into an anxious smile, but when Choso came into view, your anticipation was replaced with worry. Choso was leaning forward, with both elbows resting on his knees and his hands clasped together. His shoulders were more slumped than usual, and his eyebrows were closer than ever, with eyes glued to the floor. He hadn't even heard the sound of your heels against the hardwood floor. It seemed that something was wrong with him. He was still a stranger in many ways, but you felt comfortable in his presence. Though seeing him that way… You felt a pang on your chest. You hadn't realized that you were staring at him, glued to the spot, as if you were trying to break down a wall with your mind. Choso looked up slowly, admiring your figure,from the tips of your heels to your eyes.

"This is it." you told him with a smile as you smoothed your shirt with both hands.

Choso swallowed hard, trying not to focus too much on any part of your body other than your face. He rubbed the palms of his hands against the fabric of his pants, trying to get rid of the moisture between his fingers.

"So how does it work?" he cleared his throat.

"You mean serving?"

Choso stayed put, trying to fight the urge to ask you not to step foot in that private club tomorrow night.

"I mean, ¿how do you approach the- uh…"

"¿The gentleman?" you raised your brows.

Choso covered half of his face, putting his gigantic hand over his mouth when you turned around and he saw that the lenght of the skirt ended just below the curve of your butt. The black stockings were also doing a really good job at giving your asscheeks that little upward push, keeping it tight and in place. Good thing you were fixing him a drink, because his mouth was dry and his heart was beating as if he had ran a marathon. The way you walked in those black leather ankle strap heels was a sight to behold. You approached him looking sweet and confident. To say that Choso was proper nervous was an understatement.

"So, this one if for you, I make a killer mojito by the way. And this-" you showed him a bottle of fine whisky and a glass, putting it on the coffee table right in front of him. "Is how you serve for a client."

As he sipped from a straw that rose from his mojito glass, you unpinned your hair, letting it cascade down to the side of your face, as your thin delicate fingers unscrewed the bottle cap. You brought one leg forward, and Choso bit the straw this time, seeing your juicy thigh peeking out little by little through the split of your skirt, leaving almost all of your leg exposed. You leaned forward with moistened lips parted, holding her gaze. When your eyes lowered, fixing on the tip of the bottle, his head did too, lining up perfectly with the neckline of your tight shirt. Choso could appreciate the shape of your firm and rounded breasts. When it seemed that he was about to break the glass he was holding from getting lost in your cleavage, the soft and refined sound of alcohol hitting the bottom of the glass brought him back to reality.

After finishing the drink with two ice cubes, you took the glass in your hands and clinked it against Choso's, throwing your head back to let the alcohol enter your system in one swallow. Your face scrunched up for a second, feeling the whiskey burn run down your throat, while Choso could only stare at you in astonishment.

"It's nothing but a cheap little show."

"¿Then how come you didn't even look cheap? At all." he told you, as your face started to redden from the sudden hit of the expensive beverage.

A complimentary gift from a former event.

"¡That means I still got it!" you winked.

"Y/n, drop the nonesense and come work at the bakery."

'¿That was the reason he was so down moments ago?'

"I know you what you are doing, and it's great that you are going back to work, but you don't have to put yourself through eight hours of being sorrounded by old bastards drilling you with their eyes."

'¿Is he worried?'

He was right though, that was the shady side of it.

"'¿This is for rich people right? ¿Don't you think that rich son of a bitch will be there?"

"¿You mean Koji?"

"You know exactly who I mean." he said looking at you dead in the eye.

"There are a lot of rich assholes in Tokyo Choso."

"Just come with me to-"

"¡¿Why in the world are you so are you so single-minded about me working at the bakery?!" you snapped at him, but he didn't care because you were right, he was very much fixated on the idea. More so than ever.

"I thought I-, we… I know you have Kento in your life but, since you told me you didn't have a family I thought I'd help you be surrounded with more people. Not only work at the bakery but, be a part of our- The family we have there, at the bakery."

He sighed going back to the same position you had found him in at the beggining, slouched, and just overall sad. You sat next to him, rubbing his back with the palm of your hand in small circular motions trying to comfort him.

"I told you, you did too much for me, Choso."

Frustration wracked the dark-haired man's mind. He was driving himself crazy, thinking about how to try to help, but it wasn't just that, it was something else.

"Yuji was right, you lose yourself too much trying to help others."

"What else did he tell you?" he asked you with a hard look, exhaling a loud and short breath.

"Nothing much, just what I already knew. But Choso, I'm here for you too. Okay? I can see that something is eating you up and I just want to tell you that you don't have to keep it together. all the time. You… can trust me, if you feel comfortable. I'm here for you. We can be friends."

He drew a sharp breath, letting his mouth hang open. He didn't know what it was but, he was suddenly overcome by a great feeling of, he didn't quite now what, but you also felt your eyes moisten from seeing him so afflicted.

'¿What is wrong with him? ¿What is wrong… with me?'

"¿Have you ever thought of your mother too? Mine passed away as well, but I'm not good at talking about things like that. At least, not when it comes to her. So when you told me that my mother must be a proud woman, I was not able to tell you she had died many years ago."

"I-"

"And that was the first time I felt so close to her, after a really long time. Years, actually."

You swallowed, putting a hand on his shoulder.

What he said was true, he didn't want to think that he was treating you like a charity case. He just wanted you to be surrounded by good people, like you deserved, like he thought anyone deserved in his book. He knew that anyone could be family, as long as they had each other's best interest at heart, especially when love had taken so many different forms in the present that you both were living in. It was nothing surprising actually, and it had always been that way. It had just taken humans too long to figure out that love was just that, love. He had taken the same one given to him by a woman, and he did the best he could. He didn't know anything, he didn't pretend. He didn't pretend to know anything about you at all, but he couldn't help but think that maybe your mother was one of those women who would have liked to see her daughter have the best life possible.

"I only know what my mother wanted and how she was because of my grandmother, but to be honest, I never had the time to stop and think about the kind of mother she would've been for me if she was here. I was more worried about my grandma. She stood up to take care of me. I didn't go through college, just so I could get a job as soon as possible. She didn't want me to, but then when she got sick I couldn't stop. I just wanted her to be comfortable and live peacefully, even in her suffering. I could only think about the kind of person I could be for her, and no one else."

You grabbed his face between his hands.

"I'm sorry that you and your brothers lost your mother too. Don't worry about me Choso, I've lived in autopilot most of my life, I can handle this. I can't feed off your kindness."

'It's not kindness, it's not just kindness, it's-' Choso thought hard.

He was breathless, going from your eyes to your lips, drowning in your proximity, as you were too. You gasped when you felt the heaviness of his palm on your thigh. Choso gently sank his fingers on your flesh, while you felt his hot breath against your nose. Both your chests heaving.

"¡Brother, the pancakes are getting cold!"

Yuji's voice could be heard from the other side of the doorm, making you part instantly.

"I meant it." you said right after he stood up to leave. "You can confide in me, I'll be here for you, if you need someone. I can tell that you need it Choso."

"And I meant it." he said, surreptitiously trying to catch his breath with his hand already on the door handle. "You can be our family."

[bbeomcr]

blood, soul and body | lmh

❝If you were gonna leave this word, how could it have been without me?❞

✧ in which death tears two souls apart.

    ✦pairing: lee minho x gn!reader

    ✦genre: angst, vampire!au, 

    ✦warnings: character death, mentions of blood, mention of self harm.

    ✦content: one-shot (3k words) | based on this

“It’s time to take you home,” Minho said under a bright smile.

He felt dumb after the words left his mouth. Of all the things he could have said. But the date had been good, so good he didn’t want to part ways just yet.

“It feels so early,” the witch by his side muttered over hushed, tipsy laughs.

It was still early in the morning (or maybe late at night) and the sun was still so far away that it was a shame to waste the time alone. But he promised that they would walk home together and bide goodbyes properly, that was the way Minho did things and God could take his soul if he ever broke a promise.

That’s why now, in front of an apartment building, he had a warm hand wrapped around his freezing one and a foolish smile unwilling to go. He felt intoxicated by euphoria (or maybe it was the wine).

A raspy voice made him turn his head: “We’re here,” and he wished they weren’t “I’d invite you in, but the sun’s a few hours away.”

They laughed again, maybe at the slurred words, maybe at the idea of inviting him in, but then and there it was just perfect. Then he left a giggle when he remembered.

“Have the rest,” he said, offering the bottle that was on his other hand. He hoped the chill air and the coolness of his hand had at least kept the liquid from warming.

But the soft growl after the witch accepted the drink just proved him wrong.

“It’s warm, disgusting,” they both laughed at the tone, and without realising their lips collided.

They giggled at the abruptness, lips brushing and smiles ghosting against each other. It was soft, it was calm and yet they couldn’t get enough of it. It felt like summer on a winter night, they felt warm.

“You should go inside, you’re gonna catch a cold,” Minho said once they broke the kiss.

He left after the witch crossed the building door.

Minho always felt a strong dislike for alcohol, and yet he couldn’t help but drown another shot. It was warm, the liquid having sat on the desk for hours after he took it from its usual place, and he never bothered to look for some ice, it was only a waste of time.

He had a hard time trying to forget, he had a hard time trying to survive and this was now just too much.

“You need to stop this,” there it was, the cause of his constant headache, being sober was awful; he got to listen to Jisung’s voice.

In all honesty, he thought about it a couple of times — of letting go, of starting again and come through from the horrible place he found himself in. But then his lover’s face came back to his mind on those few lucid moments and all his efforts seemed stupid, how could he ever think of letting go?

“If Chris sent you, tell him I don’t care and that he should do whatever he wants.”

This scene had been played so many times already, he could easily recall the same memories playing over and over again. It was like a broken record, and it meant that the near past was as awful as the present. The distant past wasn’t that different, but at least it had someone he loved still alive.

God, he needed to get drunk.

“I hope you like this, it’s not exactly what you wanted but—”

Before he could even finish, his lips were attacked mercilessly.

“I love it.”

He knew that even if the content was still hidden by the small drawstring bag, the words were always true. And Minho could already tell that the burning warm resting on his palm was worth all the trouble he had gone to get it.

“It’s stardust, not quite a star but almost,” he said, holding the other’s body close to his in a tight embrace, excitement bubbling inside him. “Open it.”

He missed the warmth surrounding his body when the hug broke, but a wave of relief washed over him when the hot pouch was removed from his hand.

And oh God, if the expression on his lover’s face could be like that forever he’ll die like the happiest man on Earth.

In front of them a million twinkles lights illuminated their faces like fireflies. It felt magical, it felt special and Minho hoped that the moment would never end.

But even then, the warmth and brightness of the silver dust in the room would never compare to the smile plastered on the person he loves, because for him the mere sight of them was enough to brighten his life.

“Chris never sent me, I’m here because I’m worried,” Jisung said, loud and clear like always. Neither his clothes nor attitude suited him, always so formal and uptight about everything; war changes people. “We’re all worried.”

Minho downed another shot. Then gestured to the younger man to take a seat in front of him.

The small studio was a mess by the time Minho arrived at the apartment; the blinds were shut, a few bowls full of stuff were carelessly placed around and a few jars were tossed all over the kitchen.

At first, he thought about the possibilities, the chances of violent acts and whether someone came to the place before him. But it was all forgotten when a familiar shadow passed the door frame.

“You came!” his darling chirped excitedly, running fast and jumping high enough for him to catch the body and spin a few times. “I need you to help me with something.”

Minho wondered what ‘helping’ meant; there was only so much he could do in witchcraft when he was still a vampire, but whatever it was, he would be happy to.

But then his lover disappeared only to come back a few minutes after with a tiny vial and a syringe.

“What is that for?” he asked, a tiny drop of fear made its way to him.

“I’m making a star.”

“I know,” Minho said after refilling his glass and getting one for Jisung. “And I wish you weren’t.”

He slid the alcohol-filled glass across the desk and as the other reached for the drink, Minho couldn't help but notice the silver bands wrapped around the blue-haired man’s fingers.

Hypocrite.

“We’re brothers,” he said, and Minho had to let the grin taint his expression.

Brothers.

“It’s a blood pact, for life,” Minho spat. “We’re not brothers.”

A loud raindrop made its way to the window and the sound startled both men.

The storm made it difficult for him to see ahead. The wind had broken his umbrella and now the rain felt like shattered pieces of glass against his skin, however his concern was finding the witch and forcing the both of them to come back to the apartment. Maybe watch one of those sappy movies his lover liked so much and cuddle under the blankets.

Minho, however, had expected everything. Everything but the sight he had once he reached the main road.

There, under the unforgiving rain, almost passed out and bathed in carmine, lay down a body he could recognise anywhere. It took everything inside him not to cry out loud and panic, he just had to take them home and treat the wound on the other’s body — and he prayed to all deities he knew for it to be slight.

“Hey, baby, I’m here,” he said once his knees met the floor and the other body was secured on his arms. “Stay with me, love.”

The rain had only made everything harder; his own clothes stick uncomfortably like a second skin, and Minho could easily tell the same was happening with his lover — yet the expression on their face let him know that the wound was aching even more. 

“I love you.”

Minho saw the way the drops of blood melted into the pool by his feet, it looked like the watercolors work he had around his room. It reminded him of the afternoons at the witch’s apartment learning how to paint.

“I’ll take you home, don’t worry.”

He never thought much about his status, about the whole vampire thing and the amount of ‘powers’ that came with that, but then and there, he was thankful. The way home was short.

Minho felt relief filling his body once the door opened, rushing inside and laying the injured body on his bed. The white sheets were instantly tinted with a crimson red.

The bleeding never stopped, and by now he knew that the blood loss was fatal. So Minho began striping the witch of his own hoodie, mortified by the sigh in front of him once the piece of clothing came off; a deep gash cut from the heart to the farthest right side of their abdomen, he could see the way the skin fell apart and how heavy blobs of blood gushed out of it and yet a tiny bit of hope still sparked on him.

He called for Jisung.

And both together tried to fix the disaster, he held the witch down when the younger disinfected and stitched the wound, he swallowed the screams and kissed away the tears. He did his best to comfort his lover and yet it felt like a nightmare.

“You’ve both bonded before,” Jisung said as he passed the older a silver knife. “Try healing with your blood, it’s more than anything I could do.”

Jisung didn’t say anything, he looked outside, at the falling drops hitting the windows and the bright star inside the crystal box. He was mad, of course he was; if the glistening red eyes, tense body and clenched fists were anything to by, but Minho never cared about pushing boundaries and spitting hurtful comments.

“You’re not the only one hurting.”

The blue-haired man spoke in a low voice, and if Minho were just a bit more drunk, he’ll confuse it with a growl. Jisung’s eyes were no longer focused behind him, they were locked with his own tired ones and he could clearly see the rage burning inside the other’s orbs. Minho knew that Hell was coming.

“Shut up,” he said, voice barely above a whisper and yet the warning tone made Jisung flinch. But that was hardly enough to hold him back.

“No, I won’t shut up because you have to stop this!” he yelled, not caring much about the older’s status. “Do you think you're the only one who lost someone dear? News flash, you're not! You're not the only one who had to mourn, you're not the only one who cried a loss and you're not the only one who had to suffer.”

“You don’t know sh—”

 Jisung's hand slapped hard on the wooden desk, the fast and abrupt movement made the chair impact loudly on the floor. Minho followed the second.

“But I do! I lost people too, we all lost people we loved and yet we were all trying to make you feel better because that was ‘the right thing to do’!” Jisung’s tone got higher and higher with each word as he no longer held his anger back and instead paced around the room like a caged lion. “Yes, you lost your lover, but for God’s sake — Hyunjin lost his fucking wife! Chris watched his sister die on his goddamn arms, I had to kill my soulmate with my own two hands… do you think the rest had it any better? Don’t you dare say that we don’t know how it feels.”

Minho’s heart started racing, the argument had gotten the worst of him and the flood of emotions was only making him feel worse. Jisung was right in every word, the undying war had made them all taste the sadness of loss and death, yet he had been the only one choking on his misery alone. He felt the need to apologise and run to comfort the others.

The silver knife sliced his wrist in a single motion.

“Here, baby. Drink,” he said as the cut started to let out crimson beads. The witch refused, lips tightly closed as the drops fell over them. This wasn’t right. “Angel, please.”

Once again, the slight shake of the other head made his heart sink. He was getting desperate every passing day, as the condition of his lover deteriorated by the second and the wound refused to heal, it was only a matter of time for Death to come knocking at the door.

So he just bandaged himself, and then helped Jisung with the extensive care of the wound across his darling chest. He could see it, the skin that started to rot on the sides and the brownish red discharge that came out every time they let air hit it - it was only getting worse.

Jisung gave him one last look before closing the door behind him.

“When will this end?” came from pale lips in a tiny voice. “I want to go.”

Minho let a tear fall down his cheek to his hands.

“I never… I never meant to,” he said, this wasn’t right. No, he was so selfish, so selfish. God, no. “I’m so sorry.”

Jisung’s eyes softened, the red glow slowly dissipating as the latter made himself vulnerable for the first time in decades. “Hyung, it’s okay, come here.”

Minho hesitated. He had been a burden for so long, so long, and now he was just letting himself fall apart after his best friend had told him how much he hurted in silence. Was he being selfish again? He wanted to go back to the strong, indifferent persona he made.

“I’m so sorry Sung,” he repeated, going to the man’s open arms even with his mind telling him that no, he deserved nothing but rejection, nothing but a glare and abandonment. “I was so stupid, I’m sorry.”

They stood like that, embracing the other and exchanging a fake warmth.

“I missed you, hyung,” Jisung whispered against his neck, and that was all it took for Minho to let out the first sob.

Weeks passed before Minho had another response from his lover: he had been on the side of his bed all the time, never left, never moved more than a few steps from them and yet the slight shuffle made his heart skip a beat. Maybe his prayers were answered.

He smiled, showing his best façade to the pained person in front of him. Maybe if he pretended long enough, everything would be fine again, and they’ll watch stupid shows and the would play tag in empty parking lots and laugh until their cheeks hurted.

It was all crushed when pained words reached his ears; “I’ll miss you, love.”

He didn’t know how they ended on the couch, he didn’t know why Jisung was holding him so tight, he didn’t know why his own arms were wrapped around the man as if his life depended on it and didn’t know why the only thing heard were his pained screams.

He only knew that it had been so long since he let any emotion out, so long since he cried his lover. And this was just what he dreaded.

He couldn’t help it.

So he did what his heart had been asking him since he saw the cold body lying on his bed.

He trashed around, he let himself fall apart, let his throat hurt from the screams and tears fall as they pleased. There, in the confines of his office and the presence of Jisung, no one would judge him for breaking. 

He couldn’t help it. And Jisung waited there until the tight drip and screams became blubbering, then sobs, weepings, muffled cries, tears and finally just soft whimpers while holding him gently. This was necessary.

“Are you with me?”

Minho stared at the dark gravestone, reading over and over again the contents as if this was just another nightmare.

It was a cold day. It had rained three nights before, just after he had found the lifeless body and cried out for his best friend to help; he had yelled at everyone in the house, broken cups and punched walls, but nothing could ease the pain he felt from everything. This was his fault and God was punishing him.

The silver rings made him focus on the physical pain, but the burn sensation could do only so much to distract him from the emotional turmoil he felt. Not only had his lover passed away (in the painfullest agony, he later found out) but the blood bond had broken so abruptly he barely had time to even try to hold himself together. Yet still, everything was either too much or too numb.

He took a step towards the grave. Minho held back a sob and, instead, mindlessly traced the letters once, then twice and then he had lost count of how many times his fingers followed along the written words. He always thought darling was a prettier name.

“If you were gonna leave this word, how could it have been without me?” he whispered. After a few hours he had given up all hopes of seeing the body rise and run back to his arms, but the pain on his chest never left.

Jisung’s cold hands had never stopped caressing his back in soft, delicate motions. And he was grateful for that; if anything, the repetitive motions made it easier to come back from dark places and slowly get used to reality waiting for him.

They never made an attempt to let go, and Minho assumed that maybe the younger needed that hug too. After all, even if he himself had broken down after holding everything in for decades, the pain and frustration building inside the blue-haired man must have been even stronger.

“I’m here for you, Sungie,” he had whispered with a rough voice from the screaming, and yet it made Jisung’s heart fill with a warmth he had missed so much. “Always.”

And while the other only nodded, it was enough.

“You should go back,” Jisung said once they broke the hug, “and talk with everyone.”

It was late now, well past midnight and he was sure the rest were still awake; after all, the sunrise was hours away.

“It’s time to go home,” Minho said under a tired smile.

[kuronanox]

Different views - Kensei Muguruma

"Stop being so shy and tell him!" Matsumoto encourages (Your Name) as she sighs and grabs a fistful of her hair. "I HATE MEN!" She screams as Kira nods in agreement and Shuhei sit across from them awkwardly.

"GO GO GO OR ELSE ILL TELL MUGURUMA TAICHO MYSELF!" Kira's flush face offers as he slams his hands on the table causing the sake to spill. "Oi! The drinks is expensive you know!" Shuhei lectures catching the small shot glasses in mid air. "WHAT ABOUT YOU KIRA?!" Matsumoto shouts grabbing his shirt and tugging him towards her. "Everyone knows how you feel about Hinamori!"

"Ya ya ya! NOO I don't want my death bed by Hitsugaya Taicho." He crosses his arms as Shuhei attempts to help a very drunk Kira sit up after. (Your Name) just watches the scene and sulks in the corner this night was suppose to be fun but the only ones having fun is Kira and Matsumoto. She sighs and thinks about how her and Kensei relationship turned to friends with benefit rather than a couple as she hoped for.

It was about a year and a half ago, it was the New Years Festival (Your Name) drank to much alcohol on a empty stomach not realizing how fast it was going to hit her. She was lit though, dancing with everyone and making new friends. She was so drunk she attempt to kiss Yumichika and he allowed his cheek since he was probably gay anyways. That's what her problem was, she was so open and lusty when she was drunk.

"Kiss?" She asks Matsumoto as she gave a kiss to her and Hinamori even snatching one from Renji. Of course his face got so red he had to walk away. "(Your Name) you can't go around and keep asking people for kisses." Kensei lectures her and sighs as she pouts and crossed her arms. "You are just upset that I didn't ask one from you." She jokes and he lightly hits her head. "No stupid, I'm not trying to catch anything."

"MY MOUTH IS CLEAN!" She shouted and joined Ikkaku in another round of a drinking game. By the end of the night everyone was pretty sauced and making their ways back to their barracks. (Your Name) saw that everyone was slowly going home and she decided that she needed to head back home or else she was going to black out.

"God damn I can barely stand." She whines using the wall for support looking around for help because everything was blurry. Kensei sets Shuhei and Mashiro in their rooms and goes back to the party to help other members of his squad just in case they were to drunk to get back. As he expected he catches (Your Name) trying to walk back home. "Come on." He offers his hand as she looks up at her captain and takes it. "Captain, I don't think I can walk." She slurs as he clicks his teeth and picks her up so she was on his back. "I guess this is how Yachiru feels everytime she's on Zaraki Taichos back." She half jokes and silently falls asleep on his back.

"Oi don't fall asleep, I don't know where you live." He says and looks to see she is fast asleep, he sighs and takes her back to his place. After placing her on a extra futon he had Kensei makes his own a little further from her.

After a few hours of deep slumber (Your Name) wakes up and looks at her surroundings, it was unfamiliar to her. She turns to her side and sees Kensei fast asleep. "Huh? I guess I blacked out. Awe Captain is going to kill me when I'm in better shape." She shrinks still kinda drunk from a couple hours ago.

'The moon is still high.'

Laying down she scoots closer to Kensei attempting to warm herself from the cold winter night. After a few attempts she couldn't get comfortable and sits up. Going through his cabinets she saw there was extra blankets. "How can Captain sleep in this cold weather!" She says and grabs two. One for her and one for Kensei.

Placing the heavy comforter on him he awakens by shifting around him and he grabs her arms rather roughly. "Ow!" She shouts as his eyes widen. "(Your Name)?" Kensei questions as she rubs her armed that was grabbed from him in his sleep. "Sorry Captain it was cold so I got more blankets."

"Are you still drunk?" He asks because her face was still red and her words still a bit slurred. "Yes, but I am able to function again." She admits, hugging herself from the cold breeze that flew in. Noticing her gesture for warmth he looks to see he only gave her a thin sheet to sleep in.

"Are you cold?"

"No shit Captain!" She rolls her eyes as he knits his brows and clicks his teeth. "Sassy." Kensei says while opening up his spot next to him. (Your Name) stares at it hesitantly before climbing in the cover with him. At first it was awkward because he wrapped his body around hers to warm them up. She was still wide awake and turned to face him.

They stared at each other for a fat minute till she leaned in and placed her lips onto Kensei's rough ones. It was a small kiss till he pulled in and kissed her back in a more aggressive and needy way. Flipping (Your Name) onto her back and climbing on top of her he caressed her sides as her breath hitched from his touch. "Mhn." She moaned into his mouth as he separates their lips and gave her neck some attention. Grabbing a fistful of his hair she moaned in pure bliss as Kensei bit onto her neck as she squirmed by the rough gesture but he held her in place as he sucks the rough patch he bit. "K-ken-Kensei." She moaned out as he groaned in her ear.

"I'm sorry (Your Name)." He says then letting her go as she felt rejected from his warmth and kisses. "Why did you stop?"

"I don't take advantage of drunk women." He says as she shakes her head. "I'm not that drunk."

Kensei looks at her she was beautifully flushed and he couldn't tell if she was lying or just embarrassed. "Are you sure?"

"I'm sure."

(Your Name) cringed thinking about the first night they had sex, after that night they made it official that everything they did was just for their own benefit and they had no relationship status. The first year was fine, they act like nothing happen and it wasn't awkward or anything between them.

Slowly Kensei started opening up to her and even sleeping with her after those sessions they had instead of leaving like he usually did. On some occasion he would invite her over and they wouldn't have sex but just for some  company. A few times they cooked together at his place and watched a few movies he really liked back when he was living in the human world.

It fell apart for (Your Name) when she realize that she was catching feelings for Kensei her captain and the worse part of it was that he didn't return them. He already made it known when they first started that this thing they were doing was for their own individual pleasure.

As time passed by they started learning what each individual liked in bed, luckily for her they both were into rough sex. But recently he was not as rough but more slow and passionate. It confused (Your Name).

"Ugh stop it!" She says walking back with Shuhei back to the barracks. She was on his back as he looked up and questioned what was wrong.

"Nothing! I'm fine!" She reassured as she looks up to see Kensei waiting outside infront of their barracks. "Taicho?" Shuhei says as Kensei sighs and shakes his head.

"(Your Name) how many times I told you to pace yourself when you drink?"

She looks down as Shuhei apologizes because he was also tipsy and not sober. Kensei walks them both home and drops off Shuhei first then (Your Name), she knew he was angry but tried not to show it. "Are you mad at me?" She asks him as he places her onto her bed. "It's fine (Your Name)." He says before leaving her. She sighs and falls down before sleeping.

The next week she didn't talk to Kensei much, he avoided her sometimes and didn't acknowledge her presence half the time. He only called her for training and paperwork but either then that they didn't speak. She was getting upset that he was acting the way he was to her. She wasn't dating him so why was he so upset?

"Can we talk?" She says to him as he went through papers on his office. "About?" Kensei asks raising a brow and crossing his arms now. "You are mad at me." She simply stated as he gave her a straight answer. "Yes I am."

"Well why are you mad at me?" She says staying the obvious slapping her hands into the air looking for answers.

"(Your Name) you realiz-" he started but was interrupted when a squad member barged into the room to say there is a emergency meeting for all captains and vice captains. He dismisses and tells (Your Name) to meet him at his place tonight.

"Ahh!" She moans as he roughly held onto her neck for support as he thrust into her. He came back stressed and upset but before she could ask what was wrong he slammed her against the wall and claimed her mouth with his. Now they were on the bed as he aggressively took out his anger into each thrust as she held on for dear life screaming his name. "Fuck." He says and flips her onto all fours.

"Ken-" (Your Name) says but he ignores her and places one arm around her neck to secure her from moving and pulls her hair with the other free hand he had so she was staring at him as he thrust into her. The sound of clapping turned him on each time their skin slapped as he groaned and she screamed. "Damn." He says as (Your Name) was left with her back arched all the way and her mouth was parted and she looked at him with lustful eyes. 'So fucking beautiful.' Kensei says in his thoughts and chokes her harder as she pleas under him.

"Ke-Kensei I can't." She says as a safe word and he realizes that he was choking her kinda hard as she holds her throat and coughs a little bit. "I'm sorry did I hurt you?" He worriedly asks as she faces him with tears in her eyes.

"You've never been this rough before, what's wrong?" She asks as he felt bad for making her tear up. "I don't know." He admits.

"I don't know if I can do this anymore?" (Your Name) tells him as he sits next to her and places a blanket around her naked body. "What's wrong? Am I being to rough?"

"It's not that, it just.... I've had feelings for you the last few months and I don't wanna keep sleeping with you knowing you don't return the feelings and me ending up with a cold bed every night." She shamelessly admits hugging her two legs towards her.

Kensei doesn't saw a word for a while and says "I was angry at you because you were drunk and Shuhei was tipsy."

(Your Name) looks up confused and tilts her head. "But I-"

"I know you tend to get really touchy with people when you are drunk and Shuhei was also not sober so the thought of you guys doing something made me angry because I also.... I also like you." Kensei admits as she widens her eyes and he looks away from her.

"Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"Because I didn't know how, I thought you were in it for the sex only, but I started to open up to you and you genuinely were interested and was there for me. Even when I showed my hollow mask I thought you were going to run away from this monster I have in me but you didn't.... I realized then that this was the girl I wanted to be with."

She sighs and leans against Kensei, relief and a smile on her face. "You idiot."

Kensei hugs her bare body and smiles back. "Now that we know how we feel about each other you don't have to feel down anymore." He reassures and gives a small peck on the lips.

"I agree." (Your Name) says and straddles his hips. "So let's continue where we left off at."

"Oh?" Kensei smirks and holds her hips firmly, getting ready for a night filled with adventures.

[xxisxxisxxis]

Gateway Drug | Part Forty-Three

Table of Content or Part Forty-Two

Read here on wattpad

Words: 3.6k

Warning(s): Explicit language, Drug abuse, Verbal abuse, Sexual situations

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My head is aching from the pressure put on it after crying for hours on end, balls of tissue shrouding the bed around me.

My mind floods with how I'm going to propose attempting to do one of the two things Nikki despises most, not wanting to ask him about it from the jump, but wanting to fix whatever it is that's lacking in our marriage that has me feeling something for someone who I'm not married to.

I know what's lacking, but I'd rather he  hear it from a professional so he can't accuse me of just throwing out bullshit.

Nikki's been home for a few hours now, but he's been avoiding me.

I wonder if he's mad at me for leaving during the tour, or if he hasn't even thought about me and came home, shot up and passed out.

I'm sick with myself, the approach of Nikki's homecoming causing an onslaught of self-chastisement that occurs in the form of random tidbits of Duff and I in my dream, and the possibility that I'm subconsciously getting ready to give up on my marriage, which is the last thing I want to do.

I hear the front door open and shut, along with the sound of Nikki's footsteps growing closer and closer to our bedroom, the rustling of paper bags accompanying him.

I haven't even realized he left the house.

Nerves ball up in my stomach, my hands get sweaty and my breathing starts getting deep.

"Keep your head clear" I hear Andy's voice in my mind and I calm myself down.

The door opens, and the smell of food wafts in the air.

Nikki's carrying fastfood bags, seemingly decently sober.

I sit up, sniffling, and he hands me my drink and a straw before pulling a cheeseburger out of the paper bag, handing it over to me as well as my fries.

"Do you feel any better?" He asks me, calmly, and I furrow my brows a little. "I knew something was up when you weren't waiting by the door. I came in and you were passed out." He explains, his hand pressing to my forehead. "You don't feel like you're running fever."

"I'm not. I just feel like shit." I mumble, taking a sip of my Pepsi.

"I got this while I was out." He adds, opening another paper bag from our pharmacy and I rub my lips together. "The bottle was on the bathroom counter and saw you haven't gotten a refill yet, so..." He shrugs, handing me a pill of my Nardil.

"Thanks." I say, swallowing it down.

He gets his food and knocks my balled up tissues out of the way as he gets into bed next to me.

"What all did you do?" He asks and I look at him, tensing up.

"What?"

"While you've been here? And I've been gone? What all have you done?" He repeats.

"Oh, just went out a few times with the guys. I stayed at home, mostly." I reply.

"I can tell. This place is spotless." He chuckles, eating a few fries.

"Sharise and Skylar stayed with me at night so I wouldn't be by myself." I add and he shakes his head a little.

"We gotta get you outta that, babe." He states and I raise my brows a little in confusion. "Your 'I can't be alone' mentality."

"What about it?"

"It's not really healthy to be that way, don't you think?"

"I think it's normal. Humans weren't made to be by themselves."

"Viv, not being able to be alone is one thing. Not being able to sleep alone is another." He scoffs.

"Vince doesn't ever sleep alone." I point out.

"That's because Vince fucks and then falls asleep with chicks who aren't his wife." Nikki points out.

"Well, I've fallen asleep with dudes who aren't you." I add.

"Robbin, Steven and Vince don't really count." He tells me. "Well, Vince counts a little, but that's because he's a fucking dick."

"Okay, so, who all counts?" I ask him, trying to keep the light tone in my voice.

His answer is blatantly but casually said as if it's common sense, and further causes me to curl into my shell, even more petrified to suggest what I've been planning to suggest to him:

"Anyone you can see yourself fucking." He says.

My body tenses and my appetite is at a loss.

I don't say much of anything else, listening to him go from the topic of the new album, to Tommy's upcoming wedding, and finally, his fuck up.

"Look, Viv," He starts, throwing the wrapper of his finished burger, aside, and I start putting the trash in the empty bags the food came in before setting them on the night stand on my side of the bed before laying back down, facing him. "I know what I did was--"

"--You made a mistake." I cut him short. "And you're still here, so...it's okay."

"No, it's not okay." He argues and I rub my lips together.

"I don't know what else to say about it, Nikki." I reply and he sighs, getting a little frustrated.

"I want you to care, Vivian." He shoots back and I roll on my back, staring up at my reflection on the ceiling, rubbing my forehead to calm the subtle aching beginning to resurface.

"I do care, Nikki, I just don't understand what you want me to do about it. You're the only one who can fix it and you freak out anytime someone mentions you getting help."

"Jesus fuck." He grumbles, kicking his cowboy boot-clad foot into the mattress a little and I sigh out, agitated, as he's about to get up and probably leave.

"Can you just not run off at the slightest argument we have, for once, Nikki?" I beg, my voice cracking as my throat grows thick with tears. "I've had a horrible past couple weeks and I just need you to hold me because you're my husband and that's..." I can't finish, a wave of obnoxious sobs coming out of nowhere.

"Vivian, what is wrong? Huh?" He asks me, genuinely, scooting closer to me and wrapping his arms around me as I lay against his chest.

It's obvious this goes beyond "I don't feel good."

People don't cry uncontrollably when they have a cold.

"I'm just going through something right now." I reply in between uneven breaths.

"Baby, what's wrong?"

I wish I could tell him everything. Every miscarriage, every repressed fear of our future...having mental sex with Duff.

I know the Duff situation shouldn't be a big deal to me, but it is. A very big deal. A very red flag. A very tiny issue that cam and will manifest if not dealt with accordingly.

Dread of the conversation of seeing a marriage counselor with Nikki sneaks into me, adding to my plate of shit I have yet to disclose to him.

"I don't know." I lie to him. "I guess I just really miss you."

"I'm right here, Viv." He chuckles a little.

I want to say, "the old Nikki", but decide against an entirely different argument, before relaxing a little as he runs his fingertips in random patterns at the bottom of my back, and falling asleep.

The thing that pissed Nikki off about my crying spells, which occurred more often the worse his use got, was that he felt emasculated by it.

He couldn't make me feel better because he couldn't get off drugs, and I couldn't even tell him about the weight on my heart from my misfortune with pregnancy and my growing confusion about my feelings for another man.

He knew he was failing me by having an affair, staying on drugs, disregarding our vows, causing me pain, which made him do more drugs to numb the pain of that knowledge, which made him act out even more.

And all I could do was scream at him, cry, flush his stash, vandalize our house, vandalize his cars and bikes, and screw the support's bassist.

But before we resulted to that...

I let out one more muffled moan as he grabs at a fist full of my hair, delivering one more thrust into me before he's finishing on my bare ass and tucking himself back in his pants.

"Nikki, I thought you said we would talk when you got back home." I lowly remind him as I clean myself off, hearing our friends in our living room.

He takes a drink of his Jack on the  bathroom counter and shrugs.

"We can talk later, babe." He tells me, for the hundredth time since he's been back home two weeks, now, and I rub my lips together.

"Well, Nikki, we kinda need to talk about as soon as we can." I pull my pants and shirt back on.

"And we will. Just chill out."

"Okay, well, we should've talked about it over a week ago if that were the case. And I've been chilling out but I'm starting to get the idea that you don't care."

"If I didn't care what you had to say, I'd tape your pretty little mouth shut, Viv." He drunkenly spurs at me, pulling me closer to him, and I raise a brow. "Don't look at me like that, babe, I--Okay, look. Your buddies are here." He laughs me off, motioning to door, reminding me  Slash, Izzy, Duff, Steven, and even Axl are over here--although I'm sure Axl's only here for the 5'3" platinum blonde playmate that I can hear going back and forth with Steven about how to properly play cards. "Tommy and Vince are coming over, Vince is bringing Sharise and you, her, and Tansy are like the trifecta or something so you can have girl time and catch up. It's gonna be a good time. We'll talk after, alright?" He assures me and I let out a breath.

"Alright." I mumble.

He smirks, giving me a sloppy kiss before I'm heading out to see everybody.

I roll my eyes and head to the kitchen, preparing myself to face Duff, who I haven't seen in three weeks.

We hung out once after I stayed at their place, and that's been it.

I step into the kitchen to see someone in our fridge, grabbing a beer, and when the door shuts I'm face to face with all six feet and four inches of McKagan.

"There you are." He chuckles out, opening the bottle with an opener on his keys and I try to catch my breath and not show signs of panic. "Thought you'd, like, died or something." He adds.

"Oh, no, I just didn't feel good." I explain.

"Yeah, Nikki told me." He replies, taking a sip of his beer. "Do you feel better now?" He asks me and I nod, although it's certain I'm not 'okay' necessarily. "You sure?"

"Yeah." I lie, smiling a little.

It was bullshit, he knew it was bullshit.

"Alright." He doesn't ask again, instead stepping to the kitchen door, purposely shoving at me with his shoulder, nearly knocking me down.

I fire back, shoving at him with mine, and we continue until we're laughing, racing to the living room.

There's an exposed seat beside Tansy and we both eye it before rambunctiously trying to see who gets there first.

We get there simultaneously, sitting down, scrunched into each other as we fight for our footing, more so assing, as we both make an effort to worm the other person off of the couch cushion.

"Move giraffe neck!" I demand in a laugh, struggling to get him out of the way.

"Not a chance, mother mary!" He replies in the same tone, managing to keep his beer from spilling.

He wins, eventually, getting me out of the way.

I'm about to give him a light hearted earful when he's pulling me into his lap.

I make sure to keep my ass on his knees, nowhere near his crotch, and he's not thinking anything of it, obviously, until Axl hears Nikki coming out of our bedroom, and I'm too busy laughing to notice.

Axl's black boot is kicking out and shoving me to the floor before Nikki can see me on Duff, and Duff and I look at the red head, about to go off on him, until we realize what he did.

Nikki's obviously just shot up, wiping the dribble of vomit from his chin with the back of his hand as his eyes play their tricks.

I'm assuming it was a speedball.

I know damn well we aren't having that talk tonight...or ever, possibly.

Never will be a good time.

The doorbell rings, and I'm eager to jump up and see who it is, to avoid going off on Nikki, crossing my fingers that it's hopefully Vince, Sharise, and Tommy.

I open the door, my eyes immediately going to Skylar's round, chubby little face as she wears a baby pink, velvet headband with a giant matching velvet flower attached to it, and a long sleeved, white onesie with baby pink socks on her little feet.

"Hey, guys." I say, stepping aside to let them in.

"'Sup, Viv." Tommy grins out widely, patting my head. His energetic mood is a deep contrast of Vince's.

"Hey." Sharise gives me a side hug and I let Skylar wrap her hand around my finger, looking at me with wide eyes and eye brows that clearly show the expression that she knows me but also doesn't know me.

"Hey, Viv." Vince flatly greets me, giving me a peck on the cheek, irritated, and I can see Sharise is in the same mood.

Great. Another couple that's wanting to kill each other. Nikki and I are in good company.

"Hey, Vince." I reply as he follows Tommy.

Skylar is kicking her feet, smiling and waving her hands, now, and Sharise hands her over to me.

"Hey, pretty girl." I greet her as me and her mom go to the living room with everyone...just in time to see Steven ripping a bong. "Baby!" I call, and all their attention shifts to the kid in my arms and they all groan a little.

Rule of "Baby": no drinking from bottles, smoking cigarettes, doing drugs, being gross with groupies, dropping f-bombs, or being a jackass when a child is around...even if the child isn't even one year yet.

It came after Skylar let out a loud and proud "Fuh!" a month prior, and at first we thought it was a random noise she was making while babbling, until she repeated the word over time until it was  pretty obvious she was practicing her pronunciation of the word "fuck," which she had heard from every person in that room.

After that, anytime someone called "baby" the cigarettes were put out, the drugs were put up, the groupies were put on behavioral probation, the alcohol was put into solo cups and the bottles were hidden, and everyone's favorite word was forbidden.

Of course they could go to another room and do anything they wanted, just not with a child in sight.

And they could complain all they wanted, but I think they liked the thought of kids being the only people able to make them clean up their act, even temporarily.

Steven puts his bong away, Duff gathers the liquor bottles and heads to the kitchen to pour it into solo cups, Slash puts out his cigarette and Nikki...

"It's fucking stupid. She's not gonna remember anything of it." Nikki snaps out a couple minutes later as Duff attempts to hand him a cup of Jack, but he refuses, motioning to Skylar once Sharise, Tansy, Steven and I are in the floor with her, and I roll my eyes.

"Babe, it's just for a few minutes. She's gonna go to sleep eventually." I tell him calmly.

"Yeah, Nikki, she usually goes to bed about an hour from now." Sharise adds.

"Sharise, it's his house." Vince takes up for Nikki. "He doesn't come over to our house and dictate what we do and don't do." 

"They can still do it, just not around our daughter." Sharise tells him.

"Exactly. There's plenty of other rooms in the house and an entire back yard." I add.

"Why bring your baby to a fucking get together like this, anyway?" Nikki asks her rudely. "You guys don't have a nanny or something?"

"Nikki." I scold him, giving him a "shut up" look.

He ignores me.

"I-I don't want a nanny raising my daughter, Nikki." Sharise states, trying to keep her cool.

"Well, then why didn't you just stay home?" He continues to come after her.

"Dude." Izzy mumbles behind us, obviously getting fed up, and I pray he doesn't say anything to Nikki or Vince to fuel the fire.

Izzy wasn't into ego, and Nikki and Vince had plenty of it...well, Vince and Sikki.

"Because I wanted to see her." I reply before Sharise can. "And the baby."

"Of course you did because stick-in-the mud Sober Sixx really knows how to keep the party going: a fucking baby." Nikki scoffs, cutting his eyes at me.

"I'd rather be known as a stick-in-the-mud than known for sticking myself at 45° angles." I snap harshly.

Everyone winces a little, and Nikki grinds his teeth together.

"What the hell is your fucking problem?!" Nikki barks at me.

"Oh, I am so glad you asked, I've only been trying to talk to you about for the past two and a half weeks!" I snap.

"Well it's not my problem I've got more important things to do than listen to you whine about our fucking relationship! You've only been doing for nearly two years now, but then you never really tell me what the fuck is wrong, so I'm kinda fucking numb to it by now!"

"I wouldn't expect you not to be numb to it, Nikki! I would be, too, if my nerves were as shot as every last cc of junk I blew my freaking money on!"

"Maybe we should go outside for a little bit--"

"--Sit down!" Nikki and I both yell at Steven before he can stand up, causing everyone else to awkwardly settle back into their seats, because they were getting ready to follow him out.

"Okay." He calmly mumbles, reaching for his cup of booze before he starts chugging.

In fact, I'm noticing them all taking more and more long sips of their drinks.

They're probably going to have grey hairs from stress after leaving tonight.

"See, look, you're turning my friends into alcoholics with your bullshit!" I accuse Nikki and he let's out a loud "HA!"

"Okay, so they're just your friends, now?!" He let's out.

By this point Skylar starts getting fussy with our screaming and Sharise attempts to calm her down.

I'm about to ask her to politely go take Skylar outside or to a different part of the house, even though by the looks of it, she's getting ready to do so anyway.

"Can you shut your God damn baby up, Sharise?!" Nikki's going after her again.

Now it seems either Izzy, Axl or Duff is about to say something, until I intervene to save them a fist fight with someone who can help their careers...not that they would even want his help anymore.

"Can you shut your God damn mouth up, Nikki?!" I stand up, ready to punch him, again, and he stands, too.

"Alright, guys--" Tommy starts but is quickly shut up with a glare from Nikki.

"Jesus fucking Christ, Viv, this is why I'm on smack! So I can get a fucking escape from being trapped in a house with you!"

"For someone who's so miserable being married to me, you sure as hell were adamant about doing so!"

"Until I realized I married a fucking psychopath!" He throws at me, pointing his finger my way.

"And I married a junkie!" I shoot back. "And all you're ever gonna be is a freaking junkie and all you're ever gonna do is junk and party and convince yourself you don't need help when you clearly do! You don't give a fuck about me or our marriage and thank fucking God we don't have kids because you'd probably sell one of them for more smack when we run out of money after your career goes down in flames when you stop giving a single fuck about music, which will probably happen in the next year since you're already writing shitty songs!" I can't stop what's coming out of my mouth, seeing him being hurt by it, disguising it as angry tears when I know I struck a chord of an entirely new emotion in him.

He was already beginning to get discouraged with his new music he was working up for the band's next album, but what I said just validated his lack of confidence.

"I'm not just gonna do junk." He calms down, which let's me know he's officially at his pique. "I'm gonna file for divorce, pack up all your shit, and have it in the yard by tomorrow night, and I'm finally gonna tell you how much I hate being married to you." He tells me and I nod like he's being serious.

"You're such a fucking--" Duff starts but I interrupt him. 

I don't even think Nikki notices.

"No, you're gonna go feel sorry for yourself, lock yourself in the closet, shoot up, wake up, feel like a fucking prick--because you are one--then you're gonna ignore me for a few days even though you know I'm right, then we're gonna go to Tommy and Heather's wedding, and the day after, I'm calling Doc and Bob Timmons, we will be attending therapy for our marriage and you will be dragged to rehab kicking and screaming."

And thus the battle between Sikki Nixx and Rabid Bitch Vivian began with no inkling it would become a full-blown war.

[urlocal-lgt-rep]

Be my Valentine? Pt 2

Pairing- Awkward! Calum and Y/N

Guess this is going to be 3 parts...

    Everyone wakes up early that morning besides you. You kept trying to fall back asleep every time you woke up because you wanted to continue your dream of an ice cream and a sunset boy, but you finally decided to get up and make a little magic in Ashton’s room.

   You grabbed a bag you had hidden in Ash’s room long ago for a previous prank but forgotten about. As you lay the contents out, you knew this was going to make him pissed-but you still decided to do it. You covered all of the posters in his room, which there were a lot, with new and improved posters. That's right, Viagra and Hello Kitty posters now covered the walls of Ashton’s room.

  As you walked out and acting as if nothing happened, you saw Mikey eating a pack of Oreos. Yes, that probably wasn't the best breakfast choice, but you knew you wanted them anyway.

 “What? You want an Oreo? Sorry, this just so happens to be my last one, Y/N,” Michael laughed, but not for long because you ran towards him and the Oreo he has in his hand. His arm was raised so you couldn't reach it. He tried to run away but realized there was a chair behind him, yet instead of stopping, he thought it was a brilliant idea to try and flip over the chair. You heard an “Holy fuck!” from Michael as you and Luke started to cry of laughter.

  As you ran over to Michael to take the Oreo- you mean, make sure he was okay- you saw him put it in his mouth before you could take it.

“Michael Clifford, you son of a-" just as you were about to curse him out, Calum’s deep, groggy voice interrupted you.

 “We have another pack, Y/N,” there was no emotion in his voice, and he didn't even bother looking at you as he grabbed the Oreos for you.

 “It's- it’s okay, I'll just have something else…” your voice trailed off as you wondered where this attitude was coming from. He had been awake for hours, so it couldn't have been that he wasn't a morning person.

  Calum wasn't exactly sure why he was acting this way either. He had enjoyed talking to you a lot yesterday, but he couldn't bring himself to show it. He couldn't be mean to you either, so he entire manner just came across and douchey. That didn't stop him from taking glances at Y/N every now and then-something he didn't know why he wanted to do so bad, but he couldn't resist.

 He saw her with an amused grin on her face as Ashton walked towards his room, and then Calum remembered that she was planning on getting him back.

  Ashton opened the door to his room and screamed, “What the literal fuck Y/N!”

 As the you and the rest of the boys gathered around his room, there was laughter all around. You even swore there was a slight smile from Calum as he peeked into Ash’s room, and the memory of his hearty laugh from the night before filled your mind. You knew you needed to hear it again today even if it was the last thing you did.

 “Hey, losers! Wanna go to the club tonight?” you pitched the idea of drinking partly because you knew the boys would love it, but mostly because you wanted to take your mind off of Calum for a damn minute. You didn't know why he was suddenly all you could think about, and you weren't sure how much you liked it . He was your friend, after all, and nothing more.

 Of course the boys agreed, but Calum decided that he wasn't going to drink. He told everyone it was because he was going to be their driver, but he knew that if he got drunk he might try to hook up with some girl, or even worse, Y/N. He did not want to explain to Ashton why he was being so handsy with Ash’s almost-sister.

 It wasn't like he hadn't gotten drunk around Y/N before, but he didn't trust himself this time. He wasn't sure why, but he knew something was different. He thought about her more than usual now-not that he thought about her on a regular basis or anything….

  You decided to try your best to let Calum be for the night. You weren't going to think about him or talk to him- this was your night to be free of any men hanging around your mind. The best way to start that, you decided, was to get dressed up. Feeling a bit more beautiful never hurt anyone, right? That meant that you had to go home, so you planned a time with the groaning boys who just wanted to leave now.

 When you finally arrived back at the boys’ house, you were greeted by a whistle from Luke and a glare from Ashton who pulled you aside.

“What's going on Y/N? Why are you so dressed up? Guys will be staring at you all night!” he interrogated.

 “And I'm trusting you to punch them when they get they do. I'm just looking for a little fun, Ash,” reassuring Ash was hard, but you knew it was important if you wanted him to leave you alone for the night.

  Calum couldn't bare to look at you. He had expected you to look nice, because -well- you always did. It's not like he had a crush on you or anything, but rather that he knew when to admit that someone was attractive, which you were. But tonight you had dressed up more than usual, and Calum hadn’t been prepared. Jesus, how was he going to be able to look away from you all night? He wanted to admire you, but in a friendly way because he appreciated your friendship and liked to see how confident his  friend was.

    Upon arrival, everyone who was drinking took a couple shots and then split up to do their thing. Michael was being social, Luke was dancing with a girl, and you were pretty sure Ashton had a group of girls and even a guy or two around him who he was flirti- you mean, entertaining with his charms. Calum looked to be scrolling through Twitter on his phone, and even though you had planned not to talk to him, you were drunk and sober-Y/N didn't matter right now.

  “Heeeey Cal! Whatcha doin’ babe?” Sober you was definitely going to regret this.

 “Uh-um are you- are you okay Y/N?” Calum wasn't expecting you to come up to him. He knew you could handle your alcohol pretty well, so he had never seen you drunk before. You must've had a lot more than a couple shots.

 “I'm feeling great, babe, but you need to loosen up. Stop being Mr. Grumpy-pants!” Your pouty face made Calum’s cheeks turn even redder. Why were you calling him babe? Why didn't it make him mad?

  “Um- Y/N. I think- I think that you're pretty drunk right now… do you want me to bring you home?” he couldn't stop the struggle he was having to get his words out. This wasn't normal; he was a songwriter, he was supposed to know what to say.

  “Home? Why would I want to go- ‘scuse me, Cal-" you broke off your sentence by running in the bathroom and throwing up in the first stall. You starting sniffling and a couple stray tears ran down your face. “Cal, cam you take me home?”

  “Oh, god. Of course! Here, take my hand,” He offered his hand to you so you could steady yourself, but you still toppled over and directly into Calum’s arms.

   “Guess I'll- I guess I'll just carry you then…” Calum was completely flustered by the drunk, emotional you that was in front of him, but he knew he had to suck it up for you. He picked you up bridal style as you giggled and walked you across the parking lot.

 “Ash!” you cried out in worry.

  “He'll be fine, Y/N. I told them to take an Uber. He's not that- he's not very drunk.” Calum couldn't help but feel something  at the thought of you being absolutely hammered and still worrying about your best friend.

   As Cal was driving you home, you couldn't help but ramble on and on about everything that came to mind. “Calummm! Why are you so grumpy-grumpy? You were so happy and cute yesterday!”

  Calum immediately felt a tingle in his chest and heat on his cheeks. Was I just called cute by Y/N? Sure, the fans called him that sometimes, but never Y/N. It made him feel…special. God, what was he thinking?! He sounded like a schoolgirl with a crush...not that he had a crush or anything of course! Why would he have a crush on Y/N? Sure, she's funny and beautiful and cares for others and likes songwriting… But she's also Ash’s little sister! That's just weird.

  “I- I don't know?” was all Calum could muster.

  “What? Are you not sure? Or is the sexy Calum Hood at a loss for words?” Definitely going to regret this.

  Calum was freaking out inside. Sexy? “I guess I am, Y/N. At a loss for words that is. Not sexy. I wasn't calling myself sexy or anything-that's just weird. Not that you're weird for thinking that! Many fans think that about me too. Wait, that sounds worse. I swear I'm not a narcissist!”

  You started to giggle uncontrollably at his flustered ramblings. “Cal! You're so fucking adorable. God, do I have such a crush on you!”

 That was it. Calum Hood was official broken. He was a mess of stuttering and blushing and thank God we just got to your house because any longer and I would've had to respond to that.     

 “Alright, time for you to go inside,” he said, leading you to your room. Calum got some pajamas for you, and after you got dressed he ran you a bath. While you were getting clean, Cal even put your throw-up clothes in the wash.

  Then came the hard part- getting you to lay down. For someone who couldn't walk at the moment, you were surprisingly energetic. Eventually, Cal had to pick you, put you in bed, and tuck you in.

 “Okay, Y/N, time for you to go to bed and for me to go home. If you need anything, just-"

 “But I want you to stay!” you whined. “Please? Can you sing me that song you were singing last night? With the gold and stuff?”

 “I uh- you heard that?” -you nodded- “Sure, I guess.”

 "I can take you out, oh oh

We can kill some time, stay home

Throw balloons, teddy bears, and the chocolate eclairs away

Got nothing but love for you, fall more in love everyday

Valentine"

[deev00]

The day that I got out of the rehabilitation center all I could think about was how excited I was to get home and to see Nick and our dog Nugget. I figured that we would work things out and everything was going to be okay. I was going to stay sober and I was going to change. But when I got home I had a fear of what was about to come.

When I arrived I went to the door and entered in the passcode and it was changed. I went to go unlock the door and the locks had been changed. I've already gone through this before one time with Nick. Except it was when he cheated on me. So I kind of expected it. I just was hoping that it would be different. He opened up the door and told me that I was not welcome there. I tried to plead with him and get him to talk but he didn't want to talk to me. He had this look in his eyes that I had never seen. He looked as though he wanted to kill me and he had so much hate in his heart I knew that there was nothing that I could do to talk him into letting me stay home and working things out.

I cried and I begged and I just wanted him to talk to me and he wouldn't. He then pulled out a restraining order and handed it to me. I couldn't believe what was happening but yet I could at the same time. My heart was so broken. I couldn't even grasp my breath. I read through the protection order and it was all lies. He made up all these lies about me to get me out of the house. Not one of the statements that he made was true. He brought up things from 2011 from when he cheated on me and he made me out to be the bad guy. I was devastated. He openly admitted that he lied about everything in the protection order in order to get me out of the house. I remember we ended up getting into an argument and the police ended up getting involved. I wasn't allowed to go back home. I wasn't allowed to talk to Nick. I stayed at my sister's house and the next several weeks were just pure chaos. I felt so low. So broken. So stupid. I felt so dumb. I couldn't believe that I put my life in this situation. I need that Nick was never coming back at that point. I had a glimpse of hope but the look in his eyes that day were look that I had never seen and it scared me. At this point I decided that I needed to stay sober and I wanted to this time. I made mistakes while I was sober yes, but 95% of them were when I was drinking. I was so heartbroken. I have the best life I could have ever asked for and I fucked it up.

I drove around aimlessly for hours and hours just trying to figure out what to do. Everyday I wanted to talk to Nick but I knew that I couldn't. I was scared of him. I didn't want to go to jail over this. I was mad because I couldn't get my belongings. And when I eventually did, I had a glimpse of hope that Nick would see me and realize that he made a mistake. But when I saw him he showed no emotion towards me at all. As I gathered my belongings from around the house, He just spoke to the sheriff as if nothing had happened while I was over here bawling my eyes out.

I understand I caused all of this on myself but I never really realized the damage that I was truly causing on my relationship. This isn't what I wanted. I didn't mean to hurt Nick. I didn't mean to cause all this pain. I just wish that he had forgiven me and talked to me about getting help. Why didn't I see things for how they were??? Why???

The next 2 months were very hard. The hardest times ever. I finally caved and I spoke to Nick after my cousin had passed away. I couldn't live my life knowing that if one of us died that this is how things ended up. We ended up speaking and meeting eventually a couple of weeks later but he was dead set on getting the divorce. He had no interest in being with me but I wanted to work things out so bad. I eventually moved into my own apartment and Nick and I talked here and there. Things were just different. I could tell he just had so much resentment towards me. I'll never know the full truth about why he continued to talk to me but everyone thinks that it's because he wanted me to not fight for anything in the divorce. Which I didn't. I had a lawyer but I ended up dropping her because my uncle told me that if I really loved Nick and I wanted to work things out then that would be the right decision to make so the next day I called my lawyer and I fired her. I figured it was show Nick that I was serious that I wanted to fix everything in that I wanted him to be happy. That I wouldn't hurt him again.

We ended up getting officially divorced on October 7th 2020. Just a few months after the overdose. Him and I had been seeing each other and I thought things were working out really well. But there was an incident where he thought that I had been sleeping around even though I hadn't been with anyone at all except him. I won't go into details about what happened but after that, he started acting very different. He came to find that his accusations were incorrect. But at this point he still didn't want to work on things.

A month later I got into a car accident and our dog that we had been sharing had jumped out the window and got hit by a car. It was very devastating for both of us and it still is. Nick was very mean to me after this happened and I understand why completely. I take full responsibility for driving my vehicle and crashing it with our dog in it. It was my fault. After that... Nick was completely distant.

In December things had been so chaotic and just him and I had not been getting along that well. I suggested that he started dating. I thought that if he dated other people he would realize what we had and come back to me. But I couldn't have been more wrong...

I watched Nick date several people, he has had a total of three girlfriends now. I also dated and the first boyfriend that I had I did it, once again in hopes that Nick would chase me. See that he was losing me to someone else. This didn't work before why would it work now, right? But I was desperate. I looked back at our text messages from that time back in September and I realized that he was just waiting for me to get sober, at least that's what I thought. That he was just scared of committing to me and being with me because if I went back to drinking. I didn't blame him. But I wish that I had never gotten to a relationship with Ben. I didn't like Ben. Like he was okay to hang out with but he was not my type. We were nothing alike. It was just so stupid. And I did this again with my next boyfriend. Except for this one I didn't date him to make Nick jealous I did it because Nick was already in a relationship at this point and I wanted someone to be with. It wasn't even really like a relationship. All we did was play video games and get high. But I will say that he helped me stay sober.

By this time I have already gotten my first DUI on March 17th 2021. We are now in April. I'm dating Julian and Nick is dating some other girl. I ended up breaking up with Julian because first of all, he was 23. He just was kind of rude sometimes and I didn't like that. I didn't want to be in a relationship really anyhow... But then my next boyfriend came along. That relationship was super toxic. The problem that we had was that I continued to drink while I was with him. I wasn't supposed to be. We would get into fights and it was terrible. We just didn't get along about anything. Plus I was super depressed and I didn't really want to be in a relationship but I think I asked him to be together when I was drunk. Which was stupid. We ended up breaking up and I had to move out of my apartment. I went and live with my uncle for a month and a half and I kept myself to rebuild myself during this time.

I stayed sober for over a month while I was there. During this time though I was talking to Nick off and on. I ended up leaving him alone for a couple of weeks because he was telling me that he was pretty serious about his girlfriend. I didn't believe in my heart that she was the one. Him and I have this connection and I don't know why I had to feel everything that he felt but I did. I could tell the days when he was sad, I could feel when he was fighting with his girlfriend, I knew when he was missing me, I could feel it all.

One day I was sitting there on the porch smoking a cigarette and a voice came to me in my head and told me that Nick was going to break up with his girlfriend around 6 months into their relationship. That he was going to go on a trip or they were going to go on a trip together and something was going to happen and he was going to end up breaking up with her because she was too needy and that he didn't give her enough attention. About a week later I messaged Nick and I asked him how he was doing. He had told me that he broke up with his girlfriend. Which I had already knew in my head. Him and I started talking and we ended up going out to dinner.

I hadn't been this excited in so long that I can't even tell you. I went and bought new clothes and I got all dressed up to see him. I had to make an impression! I remember when he walked into the restaurant and I saw him. My heart just fell out of my ass. I was so nervous and I stood up and I went to hug him and he just looked at me like I was stupid and he said, "what are you doing? Why are you standing up?" And I told him I was trying to get him a hug and then he kind of laughed and gave me a hug and we sat down. He told me all about his ex-girlfriend and what he had been up to. We laughed so much and everything just felt so natural. I remember feeling so content with everything. I was thinking to myself there's no way that this isn't going to work out. And it was so crazy because he told me the story about his ex-girlfriend and what happened and my predictions were right on point. I had predicted their entire breakup. Everything that I felt about the relationship and how he felt was correct. He was like how do you know all of this? I told him it was because we had that connection. I think it made him think.

Him and I started talking a lot more and I thought like things were going back to normal. We went on a fishing trip together and it was a little bit different at first because he was so anxious and I could tell that he was nervous to be around me. Like he was scared. But everything ended up being fine and I will always treasure that fishing trip and that dinner.

Things seem to had been going well. He was sending me pictures. Texting me a bunch. Telling me how beautiful I was. Sending messages every morning telling me good morning and that he loved me. And then a few days later I woke up and something didn't feel right. I can't explain what it was but it was there. Nothing had changed, everything had been just going on as it normally was. Later in the day I made a fake Hinge account. Where I found him on there. I ended up messaging him on my account and he talked to my fake persona. I'm not going to go into details about what happened that day but it wasn't good. My heart was shattered. I confronted him within the account and told him that he was talking to me. Which I regret doing all of this because maybe things would be different. But I can't live in the what ifs because that's not what happened. He obviously didn't want to be with me and felt differently. How he went about things I think was a little bit wrong but we weren't together so I can't really say much. All I know is that it reopened a wound. And it hurt. It hurt like hell. This was like almost mid Octoberish 2021.

He just told me that he wanted to move on. That he wasn't in love with me anymore. I ended up moving into my new apartment and I began to drink. I didn't care about anything again. This totally fucked me up. All over again....