#so i slept like 4 hours and my way of coping was “lets animate” | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

themissingmarvel · 4 years

Text

Kind Regards, Detective [Part 8]

(I am going to prompt this with first, an apology for how long it’s been. I blame Animal Crossing as well as the apocalypse. That said, and this is a TW/CW there is a major death. So be advised.)

CATCH UP: [Part 1] // [Part 2] // [Drabble] // [Part 3] // [Part 4] // [Drabble 2] // [Part 5] // [Part 6] // [Part 7]

Pairing: Detective Loki x fbi!Reader

Word Count: 3.1k

Warnings: Language, descriptions of violence, major character death

They didn’t fall asleep right away. Which made sense on many levels. She was still shaken and he was still quite taken with the woman in his arms, who he had dreamed of namelessly for so long. She was already a dream. But that was dangerous, and he knew it.

She told him stories of training in the bureau, and what she had encountered. Being a woman and an agent was never easy. He told her stories about when he started off as a beat cop and his first time arresting someone back when he worked in Philadelphia. He talked about having seen so much and knowing what he did, he wanted to bring his work to an area that didn’t always get attention. That needed good cops. Conyers had been that place.

Her words were shaky when she discussed the loss of her sister, and that was what the CD had been in reference to. David had lost so much in his life so young he supposed he didn’t really understand that kind of pain the way he wanted to. He hadn’t ever loved something like that before. He had felt adrift, a ship without an anchor. Love was a memory to him and he dreamed of it sometimes so hard he could taste it.

When they did finally fall asleep, David had buried himself against her and they had managed to look disgustingly adorable in a way neither would ever admit to, even in a court of law. Y/N had prided herself on her ability to keep work separate. It helped that at least once a month she’d spend a couple days out of town. Sometimes longer. Meant she had good excuses for staying settled. David had no such excuse save for his own emotional damage as a child and teen.

Her phone was what stirred her from sleep, sleep that rarely came so deeply. The phone was by her bed, the issued FBI one she was sure was being tracked but didn’t much care. Breaking away from the warm embrace of the man who had no business being as wonderful as he was, she fumbled for it before answering, not registering the emergency ring, “Agent Y/L/N. Yes, that’s what I said. Wait, what?”

Loki had stirred when she woke, though more so as he watched her suddenly sit up, pushing back her hair that had become quite a mess. He was almost hurt he didn’t get a chance to see her as she woke. A soft waking. Not this.

Already she was on her feet, “No. That’s incorrect. I’m still in New York, the drive was a nightmare so I decided to stay at a hotel and- it doesn’t matter. Check my phone records, I never-!”

She was silent, David sitting up as he watched her, a frantic look suddenly dissipating from her delicate features, her skin pale, eyes wide, looking like a deer in headlights. So far he had found that answering the phone was not ending well for either of them.

He was adjusting his own hair, standing and going for his shirt and belt, watching as she pulled the phone away to look at the screen.

By now she had adjusted to this sort of new normal. Henry Best was not a shy man and she suspected that for a long time he had been killing people. For whatever reason, it had escalated the past few months and she was certain when they looked at patterns statewide, they would find a broader, less direct pattern. No roses, but perhaps notes. Ones discarded. A disappearance and a body found days or weeks later would be easily dismissed by an overworked department.

Closing her eyes tightly, she took a breath before lifting the phone back to her ear, “When was he found? Yeah, check the hotel records I don’t give a fuck. You think I seriously killed my own coworker?! Tell Kendrick to call me himself, then!” She pulled the phone back and hung it up.

It was six in the morning, and she supposed the few hours of sleep they had gotten was a blessing, but one she would regret. She would speak at the funeral later and try not to loudly blame herself, but it would be hard not to. She hadn’t pulled the trigger but she had left a loaded gun on the table just the same. She had let David in and in turn let other parts of herself go.

David was quiet before he spoke, “What happened?”

What a stupid question. It was met by a look of anger he didn’t recognize immediately but knew as rage. It was a powerful kind of rage that clouded judgment and made people do stupid things. He hoped it was the kind of rage Y/N could reign in and use as fuel but he wasn’t sure. He didn’t know enough. He knew fragments and pieces and he hoped she could keep herself together. Keller Dover had let that rage nearly destroy him and almost got himself killed. It was personal.

“Adrian is dead. They found his body in the parking lot of an empty office building, two shots to the chest. They found texts on his phone from me, though we both know it wasn’t. It was ‘me’, asking to meet him with important information I was ‘too scared’ to speak over the phone. Adrian died alone, bleeding to death in a parking lot because of me.”

Her face was stoic, eyes cold and echoing of something akin to heartbreak. She didn’t love Adrian. Not really. But she liked him. She liked how he flirted and made her feel cute, how he called her ‘ladybug’ and would grin even through the phone. Even when he was such a fucking asshole, blowing off her requests for meeting up or talking about his dates… she knew. He wasn’t a bad man, he was kind of a dick, but he sure as hell didn’t deserve to die. But she had killed him, hadn’t she? Maybe she didn’t pull the trigger but she left the gun on the table.

When her sister died, long ago, rage had taken the place of sadness and grief. She had felt anger like no other that the world would have reached out and taken her sister from her. It wasn’t fair. Life wasn’t fair. Sadness was so hard to manage but rage and anger was always so much more reasonable, in an odd way. Sadness you had to cope with but rage you could channel elsewhere. It also made you stupid as hell.

Loki was walking to where Y/N was, reaching for her arm before she snatched it away, “Hey, this isn’t your fault, we both know-”

“But it is!” She stared at him, eyes wide and deadly cool, “It is my fault, David. I thought that this,” she gestured between the two of them, “was a good idea. And it wasn’t. Henry got my phone credentials somehow and he got to Adrian.”

David stepped back, absorbing the blow that hit him right in the chest. She hadn’t meant to hurt him, but when a wounded cat is cornered and injured it will always lash out, even at what it loves the most. She was defending herself. Somewhere he knew that, in the same way he knew he would be doing the same, were he in her position. But he allowed it to sink, instead stepping away and getting himself dressed.

He was cautious as he watched her solemnly get dressed, do her hair as best she could before silently stepping into the bathroom to use the crappy-but-acceptable toothbrush and toothpaste provided. Her brain was trying to process what just happened, but so was David’s. He was reeling from the pain of being told he was a mistake, and because he knew that she didn’t mean it. He hoped she didn’t. He felt responsible as well, that he had distracted her from the case. Perhaps, he thought, it might give him clarity to have the step back that she didn’t.

If Henry had reached out to Adrian, it was because he knew a few things. First, he knew that Adrian provided Y/N with information frequently enough that he had access to quite a bit of data. He probably knew more than he even realized he knew, and he was a risk. Also, Henry knew that Adrian trusted Y/N completely. Enough that he’d simply drive in the middle of the night to meet up with her over a simple text. But doesn’t the FBI train better?

Suddenly it was David working like a profiler, and perhaps it was the brain of the woman he had slept next to that was rubbing off on him.

It didn’t make sense that Adrian would just trust a text message from Y/N, did it?

Looking down at his own phone, he scanned through a few missed calls and voicemails, a text or two from guys at the precinct. Opening his work mail, he noted a few important forensic items and tabbed them for later. One that stood out was the email that the PAM shots had come in.

When Y/N came out she was silent, her words feeling like pain, should she utter them. Instead, she grabbed her things, hardly looking at David as she felt the weight of the boulder she had decided to shoulder pressing down on her before breathing out the words, “Let’s go.”

___

The drive itself hadn’t taken long, all things considered. Y/N had insisted she drive her own car, the reliable car that felt reliably foreign, making her feel like an alien in a world she was supposed to be part of. Adrian didn’t deserve to die. Arguably, most folks didn’t, really. He was a good guy, though. He did the stuff you were supposed to do. Being an asshole wasn’t a reason to off someone and yet Henry (and she was sure it was Henry) had chosen him specifically. Whether or not it was because he ‘knew’ something, it was calculated. Gunshots, however, meant this was not as planned as he had wanted it to be. Something had been off. Emotions had been involved. This had been a crime of passion and not a single note was left behind. Not a single rose.

He wasn’t the pattern, though. So it made sense.

Pulling up to the precinct, she got out and made her way to the door, aware of Detective Loki only steps behind her, protective in a way he didn’t like, even for himself. Henry was bold, however. Further forensics on the phone had shown Y/N’s phone had been cloned, of course. She supposed handing the man her jacket in his office where he had defense level technology hadn’t been her smartest move.

She had to play chess and make him think she was still playing checkers.

“Agent? This was delivered about an hour ago, one of the DC Agents dropped it himself. Credentials checked out. It’s for you.” A young man was behind the precinct desk, looking a little tired but otherwise unbothered, handing her a small package. She was curious, though not concerned this time, able to spot the small sticker on the bottom left of a glittering ladybug.

Taking the box she glanced at David and nodded her head towards the long hallway that led towards the interrogation rooms. She was silent, moving like a whisper over the ugly rug in the dingy department that desperately needed an upgrade. Opening the door to the other side of the one-way mirror, she removed her jacket and her phone, David following suit. It was eerie, how silent she was, even her movements noiseless as she fiddled with the microphone settings and turned off all recording devices. She went so far as to power them off entirely, making the room dark.

Shutting the door, the young woman gently opened the box and withdrew a sleek, silver Samsung Galaxy, definitely not government issue. Squinting, she pressed the power button and turned it on, the phone booting up with no problem, the background a picture of a ladybug. She couldn’t help but roll her eyes and smirk through the pain, “Subtle, as always.”

Sitting down, David took a seat by her, watching as the phone appeared to begin on its own, the woman taking the cue to prop it up and sit back, the two close by once more as they watched a video begin.

“I know. This isn’t subtle, right? I mean, if you’re watching it then it’s not supposed to be. After what Henry did, I didn’t want you getting another package and being scared again.”

It was Adrian, his face, brown scruff over his handsome features, sharp jawline and broad shoulders visible, stunning hazel eyes that were arguably more green than hazel visible. His hair was dark brown as well, normally gelled down and styled, though a bit more tussled now. He was sitting in his apartment, what looked to be his apartment. Pictures of his family were behind him and he was sitting on his couch, beige… funny the things we choose to see.

“He texted me tonight. I mean, you did, from what police records will show, but it’s him. He’s gotta think I’m some next-level idiot, you know? He tried to get your tone down but he can’t get that icy exterior quite right,” he smirked, looking into the camera, Y/N’s eyes softened as she knew she was watching the final moments of a man’s life. You don’t turn away from something like that.

“It’s my fault… I’m sorry.” She whispered as she watched the video, her body caving in on itself as she felt herself tense.

“And before you apologize, don’t! Hey, for all I know, things turned out just fine and you’re gonna make fun of me for this video and I’ll get the credit for catching The Black Rose! I won’t let you live it down,” he smirked.

Tears burned at her eyes, holding a hand over her mouth to stop herself from speaking again, almost wounded by how eerie it was how well he knew her. It fucking hurt.

“I can’t call you on your phone because it’ll route to his. He has authority over it by now, so don’t trust it, whatever you read on it. It’s useless. I used this because I knew I could jailbreak it and install the firmware to keep him out. But yeah, this’ll be pretty useless too if he gets wind of it.

“Anyway. He wants to meet me. I figure if I can get some recordings of him in the parking lot, maybe clone his phone myself without him knowing, maybe I can get something off him for you. If not, if you’re watching this and feeling like shit… it means it’s a good thing I sent the phone. Because if you’re watching this, much like those tropes I know you hate, then I’m dead, Ladybug. And I’m sorry for that one. But it sure as hell isn’t your responsibility and you need to know I’m doing this because I chose to. You’ve always been the brave one, Y/N. I’ve watched you take hits from assholes, get threatened, travel across the country, work yourself through hell on earth… you’re brave. You’re good at your job. And you always deserved better than me. Doesn’t make much sense to tell you I always loved you, so I won’t. But I’m doing this not for you, but because of you. Catch the asshole.”

The video closed, another taking its place, this one far grainier and from within a spot on the dash of Adrian’s car. It was a shitty camera, one that would be found, quite obviously, and that was broadcasting a recording. Later they’d find out not even Henry could trace the broadcast, but Y/N knew. David knew. Both knew as they sat in the dark interview room in the Conyers precinct.

The audio was muffled and quiet, which made sense. It wouldn’t have mattered anyway. But it showed Adrian getting out of the car, jacket on, walking over with his hands up. He was speaking, softly, and staying still as another man entered view.

Henry.

He had his hands in his pockets, though he was visible. His head. Face. Hair. Unmistakably Henry Best. It was like watching a horror movie, though, and she hadn’t even realized that David had wrapped an arm around her waist, pulled himself to her, ready to stop the video at any moment.

Shouts were exchanged suddenly, Henry barking at Adrian who stepped back, his hands still up, shaking his head and looking almost quizzical as he tilted his head to the side, “-her…-?” It was barely audible, though Henry’s face contorted into anger, rage, pulling a gun out of his pocket suddenly and screaming, “You could never understand my love for her!”

One shot. Two shots. Three shots.

Each made Y/N jump, tears in her eyes as she watched her friend, one of her closest friends, the man she trusted, shot dead in front of her, the feed suddenly cutting out.

The video closed, leaving only the phone with its basic desktop icons before them, Y/N reaching out and gently picking up the phone, “You fucking idiot, Adrian.” Tears were falling down her cheeks, not that she cared. And even Adrian’s promise that his death was not on her was not enough. The guilt was tremendous and suddenly she felt like she was the one speeding down the highway and popping a tire. She felt everything spinning out of control and she wondered if this was the same kind of end her sister had met. Chaos. Loss. Helplessness. Blame.

It was the icon in the bottom of the screen, however, that snapped her back, looking down at the icon that was only black but was titled all she needed:

“EVIDENCE”.

His last gift was not a video of his death, but rather, Adrian had ensured, was a gift of life and a promise of revenge against the man who had done so much. And, perhaps, a warning of something more sinister.

(Tagging: @escapingthoughtsandsecrets @is-it-madness @detecellie @doritosandavocados @oscarflysaac @peccobagnaia @miss-missing-patd @hockeyandheroes )

95 notes · View notes

jiwontiddy · 6 years

Text

100 Reasons to love Kim Hanbin (iKON B.I)

1. had a mental breakdown during mix&match and ran away to go to Busan but he didn't have enough money so he ended up at a park and stayed there until yg staff members picked him up (plus yunhyeong had a mental breakdown too and started crying because of him)

2. I just wanted to escape from all of this

3. did mix&match while doing smtm3

4. loves his little sister so much

5. he said when hanbyul was born every single day of my life was filled with happiness

6. made his mother a bouquet of flowers for parents' day and decorated it with money bills lmao

7. learned how to professionally arrange flowers (we love boyfriend hanbin oof)

8. 'iKONIC is my life' 🤧💞🤧💖🤧💘

9. crazy work ethic

10. works 24/7 never takes a break

11. producing music is a type of hobby for him he doesn't see it as work

12. his studio is basically his second home

13. he stays there sometimes over night and doesn't go to sleep

14. you'd think he'd have health problems because of his lack of sleep but he's perfectly healthy 🙏🏼

15. except for that one time when he collapsed at the airport after being at the studio w friends and not getting enough sleep even tho they had to catch a flight at 7 am

16. you need to sleep when you die - Kim Hanbin 2018

17. is really reckless tbh

18. but a great leader overall he really does lead the group well

19. chanwoo and mino etc. were really scared of him but now he's changed and is less intimidating

20. unless they're recording or at dance practice 💀💀💀

21. expects everyone to be on time for practice but is the last one to arrive because he's still asleep

22. "if the camera wasn't here you would've gotten hit" actual words that came out his wonderful mouth (lets pray for chanwoo)

23. [finishing their insta live] Yunhyeong, "we have to get back to practicing" Junhoe, "we have to get yelled at again by Hanbin"

24. a very determined bean

25. takes his job veryyy serious and doesn't take it for granted

26. he's basically in charge of producing/composing and writing all of iKON's songs 👍🏼

27. he's the mastermind behind Love Scenario

28. tbh he deserves award for best producer and composer

29. has never been in a relationship but still writes the best break up songs

30. love scenario, killing me and goodbye road are all break up songs which makes analyzing the lyrics so much more interesting since they all cope with a traumatic break up in a different way and it shows different stages of getting over someone

31. h i s l y r i c s g o d d a m n

32. We were in love, we met and became a memory that can’t be erased. It was a commendable melodrama, a pretty good ending. That’s all I need. I loved you.

33. Freedom and new relationships but behind that is an empty heart. On this dark night, I’m alone again. Her existence is such a big part of my world. I try but I can’t take her out of it. Once I did take her off, I broke down. But I can’t tell myself to be ready to die, it's killing me.

34. I've loved you to death, but at the end I did not die.

35. Just go, back to him. It was wrong from the beginning, only I became the fool. You were never once mine.

36. that one time when he saw a couple during a fansign and called them out hE WAS SO BITTER LMAO

37. double b......that's all

38. "Bobby oppa looks dangerously attractive without glasses...wow man"

39. he's such a sweet heart to kids omg

40. a die hard animal lover

41. he is SUCH A GOOD DANCER FRICK THAT MIX AND MATCH STAGE WHERE HE WORE THAT RED BARET IM STILL NOT OVER THAT

42. tho he said he doesn't like dancing

43. but he still choreographed amazing dances during their survival days like how can one be so talented??

44. he's dumb but at the same time really smart if that makes sense??

45. like he doesn't know who koreas first president is but he knows who the army general was that led the korean army to win the battle in incheon for the 38th parallel line ?????? WTFSJSHSHSH

46. a girl group enthusiast

47. but can't do the dances even if his life depended on it (except for heartshaker and recently red flavor)

48. he said he doesn't pick favorites but if he had to they'd be Seulgi and Dahyun

49. he writes poems when he feels emotional

50. he usually gets his inspiration to write songs from movies, dramas, books or poems

51. his muse is actress Kim Jiwon he's so whipped for her

52. his favorite scene from one of her dramas is Fight My Way ep. 7

53. it shook him so much that he wrote a whole song about it

54. he wrote like 10 songs inspired by her

55. his gf is gonna be the luckiest girl alive let me tell you that

56. he rarely cries but got emotional recently at one of their concerts :(((

57. he's super close with Jinhwan

58. he wrote songs with G-Dragon, Tablo and Psy

59. he co-wrote whistle by Blackpink and empty by Winner

60. he fell during his second round in smtm it was so cute but so funny

61. his song Be I was the first smtm song to go down in history by charting at #1 in melon

62. he could have passed easily in my opinion he had such an amazing crowd control like they were going crazy over him

63. also Swings didn't like him because he was an 'arrogant ass' but after he realized that Hanbin was kind of experiencing a crisis he felt sorry and said if he'd knew he had protected him from the start

64. had to censor his own fans at a concert

65. one and only fuckin one and only🚶🏽‍♀️🚶🏽‍♀️

66. he should be working on his solo album but instead he's out here releasing ikon's 3rd album

67. he has this habit of patting his left chest (above his heart) whenever he's nervous

68. never forget when he used a translator app to get closer to Japanese girls

69. whenever they have a comeback he usually turns off his phone for the next 24 hours so he doesn't see how the song charts

70. he and the boys actually don't care about charting at all

71. [NO SHADE I REALLY LIKE MOMOLAND] he could have produced a similar song to LS to use the hype around it like momoland did but instead he wrote Killing Me me which is more aggressive and totally the opposite of LS

72. he really likes rice soup uwu

73. he usually does vlives on channel+ since he's more comfortable there

74. one time he accidentally started a live on their regular channel and fans started pointing it out and he immediately went into panic mode LMAOOO

75. he is such a perv sometimes i can't

76. had a minor crisis when Bobby was in the US and had no one to cuddle

77. he's such a bean who deserves all the love in the world

78. got his ass whooped by Jinhwan for getting a tattoo (we love a rebel)

79. he suffers from rhinitis hence why yg gifted him an air purifier lol

80. has a producer team which consists of YG trainee Millennium (aka Raesung), Seung (and I guess One)

81. Seung is an artist, a composer, celebrity and a jobless guy (his words not mine)

82. Hanbin as a hyung and role model for Raesung: a concept

83. Chanwoo is more scared of Hanbin during recordings than he is from staying in a haunted house with a ghost let that sink in

84. 'ladies first' no matter what

85. cried during the final of win:who's next but was still able to crack a smile for Team A

86. the fact that Hanbin comforted Mino even though Mino was supposed to comfort Hanbin

87. got a turtle in japan and called him Michelangelo

88. forgets to eat sometimes

89. his name is B.I not BewhY

90. says he doesn't get scared easily but he does

91. king of spoilers

92. but hates it whenever the other members spoil something

93. fun fact: he made the guide for Love Scenario around May 2017

94. "Everything is in english, I can't speak english" also Hanbin "Turn that shit on" "so savage, so tight"

95. has a strict concept for his Instagram: black and white only

96. did a whole vlive with a dog filter on uWU 97. loves to hike

98. basically everything he does is so cute

99. but he can be so sexy at the same time

100. Kim Hanbin is one of the most talented and hardworking men in this industry and he's still getting slept on,, please support this bean

#kim hanbin #ikon #b.i scenario #hanbin imagine #hanbin ikon #b.i ikon #yg ikon #b.i imagines #ikon scenario #ikon imagine #kim hanbin scenario #kim hanbin imagine #b.i style

424 notes · View notes

newhologram · 5 years

Text

I got an interesting transmission yesterday which has already helped shift my perspective.

So just to be lazy and copypaste some of my spoonie whining from other social media: wow i'm like, fibro flaring, and period about to come, and oh yeah also colitis being a fuckhead, and now i'm so weak and coughing so i'm praying this sudden cold weather has not actually tanked my immune system bc idk if i can handle bronchitis rn aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

I haven’t worked in a few weeks because I was still trying to bounce back after the vomiting spell that came before the colitis flare. And I just couldn’t do it. Even with all my supplements, meds, diets, rest, it was like I couldn’t recharge anymore. I was already low because I had just been adjusting to the hot weather change, which always triggers the narcolepsy. I went back to “perpetual feeling of not having slept in 3 days mode” but still made myself work various jobs and do a hell of a lot of errands and work around the house. I stuck to my mush diet as best as I could (cut to me being sick from cheating with 4 crackers) and thought I was at least keeping my energy up enough for cardio every day, even if only 20 minutes. It just snowballed and soon my 10 minute morning walk was making me sweat in 50 degree cloudy weather.

I was still working in rest breaks and my mega pain management routine and everything. I still couldn’t shut down all the way and get charge. And the thing is, my spinal pain has been pretty manageable lately. I’ve been diligent about doing the rolled up towel traction trick and still soaking in hot water for like 45 minutes a day. The endorphins from cardio plus the California poppy tincture had made such a difference in my nerve pain that I was being super productive. I did not rest as much as I should have in April because without the intense pain that distracts me, I was just so focused.

I felt so stupid when I realized that if my spine wasn’t giving me trouble, and I was suddenly having all of these intense flu-like symptoms again, then that meant it was the fibro. I hadn’t had a flare like this in a long, long time. Like, almost 2 years maybe? Just this overwhelming malaise. The intense brain fog, so soaked in my own fumes I can’t suck in air.

And yeah, you dumbass, this is happening because you thought it was smart to go off the guaifenesin to save some money even though it was nowhere near the other more expensive supplements you drain your wallet on. My cells are full of gunk again. I’m a living garbage dump. Thanks to a donation I was able to order some guaifenesin and it’ll get here later this week. I will keep doing what I can until then.

It’s hard not to be mad, like. I missed a really cool audition because I was literally too sick to handle possibly 2 hours each way in LA traffic. I would have had to wake up at 5am to ensure I could do my morning self-care, bottle-feed the kittens, eat, take supplements, do makeup, then drive 2 hours, spend 30 mins parking, walk all the way to the casting studio, sit in the lobby for anywhere from 7 minutes to 3 hours (not exaggerating, but I’ve also been at 1 audition for 6 hours before). Then perform in an audition for up to 20 minutes depending on if it’s a group thing, an actual scene, an interview, whatever. Then go all the way back home. I would probably honestly be shaking by the time I was back in my car. It happened to me when I worked at Anime Expo. I was shaking so hard I almost puked.

So I emailed my agent about cancelling my audition, as usual feeling horribly guilty that I was letting my family and my agent and everyone else down by not being able to make it to this audition. I was missing out on a potential job. I was down to $12. Despite my efforts to stay chill, I was getting antsy.

But I realized if I was desperate enough for that money that I would compromise my health for it, then that right there was a stupidly huge block in my way. So I sat up straight and honored my body’s need for taking it really, really easy right now. Lakshmi energy is “thank you for this blessing, please give me more”. You come from a place of more. You see la vie en or. Blissful jingling gold and fragrant, abundant flowers. Is it a magic cure for anxiety and depression? No, but everybody’s gotta cope (Shimada-san). The end.

#teku #spoonie diaries #personal #long post

2 notes · View notes

flowerpotphil · 6 years

Text

Rose Jumpered Breakup

Summary: (From the 5SOS song 'Want You Back') Dan and Phil had started dating, but Phil wasn't sure about his identity. He loved Dan, of course, but every time things got heated he would suddenly close up or go with it just to please Dan. He didn't want to say anything in fear of knocking Dan's newfound confidence, but how can it work when Phil feels the need to hide?

"Phil, you look like a ghost." Dan said, tapping his fingers on the mug that he'd put on the arm on the couch. He just had a long shirt on to keep himself warm, and some boxers, it was a nice sight really, his curls were all over the place and he just looked cosy. "Huh?" "Is something the matter?" He asked, beginning to unfold his legs from under him and get up, but didn't before Phil spoke. "I'm fine, I just got no sleep last night. Rough one." He tightened his grip around his own mug, unfazed by the burning that was beginning to spread. "Didn't I tire you out?"

That's what made Phil want to shrink back, he had to tense to stop himself from cringing slightly. They'd had sex and Dan curled up by Phil and slept pretty much straight after. He, however, had stayed awake throughout the night, mindlessly playing with Dan's hair and thinking about everything. He couldn't switch off. He loved Dan, and he knew he should love Dan even when they got intimate, but he just couldn't. He felt nothing. He felt guilty.

"You did!" He said it with a little more haste than needed, "Honestly, you did. I'm just stressed, I need to make videos and there's meetings and everything else, I just couldn't turn my brain off." It wasn't a complete lie, he had enough to worry about, but the worst thing was Dan. "As long as there's nothing else you're hiding, I'm here for you. You don't have to shy away from me because I'm a mess." That hit hard, if Dan was getting down again then Phil couldn't face up to what was happening. "You aren't a mess Dan." "Come here." Dan opened his arms and beckoned Phil towards him, "Let's just have a lazy day, everything else can wait."

They watched anime throughout the entire day, binging on Tokyo Ghoul instead of starting a new one, it was just a sudden want to watch it. They'd got blankets and snacks to see them through the day.

Phil fell asleep after the 3rd episode, glasses falling down his nose slightly. Dan had his head on his chest, feeling the way he breathed and hearing his heartbeat. He loved Phil Lester, and it was a wild ride. He never thought he would fall in love as hard as he did; never thought he'd be loved so much. People left Dan when he cut them out and pushed them away, but Phil constantly persisted and pulled Dan back to keep him above water. They'd made their life together, and nothing could tear them apart. He thought Phil was just going through some stuff, that he'd sort it out and they'd be back to normal.

Phil woke up about 4 hours later and Dan was still awake. "Sleep well? You look a bit better than you did." He smiled up at Phil, watching him rub his eyes and push his glasses back up. "I feel it, I'm just worn out." Which was fair enough really, they were rather busy. "We can go to bed if you want? Just get some extra hours in before tomorrow." Dan was always up for extra sleep, if he could get it then he would because he adored it. "Sure..."

Phil wanted to stay up and think, but Dan wouldn't go to sleep unless he was sure Phil had dropped off. He was protective like this, if Phil wasn't looking after himself then Dan would put himself out just to do it. Just lately, he'd noticed that Phil was getting slightly more isolated and looked tired constantly. There was something going on, but Phil was the type of person to work through things on his own, but it never did seem as bad as it had been getting. Whenever Dan tried to ask he'd get excuses. "I can't sleep." Phil proclaimed, shuffling slightly so he could move with Dan lying on him. "I gathered, Phil, you can talk to me you know." Dan heard him sigh, a clear sign something was bothering him. "I know, I just, I can't. I want to go on a walk, is that okay?"

Dan knew the feeling.

"Want me to come?" He asked, feeling mildly unwell thinking about how many times he'd just upped and left Phil alone in their apartment with no clue of where he'd gone. "It's okay, it's cold, you should rest up and keep warm. Don't want you losing your voice again." He chuckled after, but it was coarse and felt wrong in the silence. "Make sure you wrap up and take your phone." "I will, just don't wait up for me." Dan groaned slightly as Phil moved from under him, body hitting on the mattress. "Don't stray too far." "I won't."

Phil reached down and picked up his jumper - the grey one with roses on the sleeves - and pulled it over his head. They'd just climbed into bed and threw their clothes on the floor, so it was the closest thing and by far the warmest. His jeans came next, and he could feel Dan's eyes on his back; he knew exactly what he was thinking.

"I'll be back later, just get some sleep." Phil smiled slightly, but it didn't reach his eyes, and leaned down to kiss Dan. It was gentle, sweet, but there was something in the mix that they both felt. "Okay..."

Phil really didn't understand the concept of walking to go through an issue, but in the sunset light he almost felt an ethereal calm and his head cleared of everything it needed to so he would work through his problem.

'I love Dan, but I hate sex. It doesn't do anything for me. He's beautiful, he knows he is sometimes, but I don't want to say I don't want sex with him or it'll make him bad again.. If I want to be happy with someone, they'll deserve sex. That's what relationships can go forward with, intimacy. All I can do is break up with him, start somewhere else and. Not. Get. With. Anyone'

He was sure his eyes were moving with the one-sided conversation flow. Dan did that too. Dan- He loved Dan, he truly did, and that's why he wanted him to be happy. Phil couldn't make him happy, he couldn't pretend like he wanted Dan to have sex with him, or that he wanted sex with anyone. He at least deserved basic couple stuff.

It was dark when he decided he should go home, he didn't know the time but he hoped Dan would be asleep. Although he wouldn't have intentionally slept without Phil being safe, there was an off-chance that he'd drifted off. But regardless, Phil had made up his mind; leaving Dan would be best. It broke his heart, he loved Dan more than he'd loved anyone, but he couldn't keep going through it and go with all the lies.

The lights were on when Phil crept in, it was the kitchen lights, so Dan either had got up and forgot to turn them off, or he was awake. Phil suspected the latter. Unsurprisingly, Dan was sitting at the table with a mug of hot chocolate between his hands, he was shivering slightly too. "You're back." He smiled slightly, but his eyes were glazed a little, "You need to tell me what's going on, Phil.". He did have to, but he didn't want to, he guessed it was best to get it over with then while Dan was expecting the blow.

"We need to break up." Phil's words came out too fast, and Dan's eyes shot wider. It wasn't what he expected, he didn't want it; he couldn't cope without Phil by his side. "What? Phil, no. We aren't breaking up." "This will never work. It can't, I'll just go." Phil was speaking too quick for it to be coherent, he quickly turned and walked away.

Dan wasn't having it, he threw himself out the chair and knocked his drink to the floor. "Philip Lester." His voice was low as he said it, making Phil stop in his tracks. "You aren't going anywhere... We can't just leave this all, we're so good together." Dan rubbed his finger on Phil's shoulder, trying to get some reaction. "It's over Dan."

Phil left. He just walked out. Dan collapsed in the kitchen, feeling his lungs fill to bursting. Nothing could really tell anyone how bad Dan felt, but he dry heaved and and coughed up tears. Phil just left and didn't look back, not even a glance, and Dan didn't even know what had happened to them. All he could do was cry, whispering "Phil..." over and over again before he gave up in exhaustion.

It took 2 days for Phil to come back through the door, Dan was sobbing in their room when he heard the key turn and he was up like a shot. "Who is it?" He called, voice raspy from the hours he'd spent in tears. "It's just me, I'll leave in a minute."

No. Not again.

Without missing a beat, Dan ran from their room and into the main room. "Phil, please, please listen to me." He was pleading, Phil was his other half and he didn't know how to function. He'd spent the time they'd been apart vomiting, crying, and remembering.

It wasn't like Dan had experienced with breakups before, he hadn't really been that bothered, but he felt his heart tearing with each waking moment. He hardly ate, moving from under a duvet just reminded him of who should be there. The smell still clung to the bed, but Dan could deal with it and try and fall asleep. It was pretty easy when he was all cried out and felt horrible, his throat was killing too from the crying.

He remembered running his fingers along Phil's back and joining up the freckles, making him giggle as it tickled him. It was one of the fondest things he did, and it was intimate. Dan didn't care so much for the sex, he loved Phil and nothing changed it. Soulmates were always together, and they were exactly that.

"Dan, I'm sorry, it's not you at all." Phil ran his hands through his hair, showcasing the roses on his elbows. Had he not changed his clothes? "I don't care, please can you just explain what's going on? I've been tearing my hair out wondering why this happened."

It hurt to see Dan's eyes well up, but Phil just didn't have the words until he was getting pulled over into the main room and on to the couch. "You can tell me anything, we can work it out." Dan took both of Phil's hands in his, rubbing his thumbs in slow circles. "You're going to hate me for it." Phil sighed, body deflating slightly. "I told you I'd never hate you, whatever is going on, you're mine."

There was a moment of silence between them, they didn't even notice the noise from the neighbours as they went about their daily life - they had no clue what the boys were going through.

Although loud, Dan and Phil were loved by their neighbours and they got on well. They weren't very sociable, so there wasn't much conversation between them, and the neighbours wouldn't go out of their way to see them. Actually, they had done once, when Dan had been extremely rageful for a gaming video. It was embarrassing when the woman asked if Dan was okay, and when the look told Phil that the woman thought they were having sex, but she was quick understanding when he explained that they were just YouTubers and they were playing games, he snuck some extra views from her too. If their neighbours were asked to describe them, they'd call them happy and sweet, and say that they didn't have to steal their dog and could just ask to have her in their apartment for a while.

They wanted a dog of their own someday.

"Dan, it's nothing, it's me." Phil tried to pull away, but Dan held him on to couch. "Then you at least owe me an explanation." He was trying not to cry, they both were, if they cried then who knows where they'd end up. "I can't give you what you want." Phil didn't really know where to look then, it was sort of embarrassing. "You can, you do! What do you mean?" Dan shuffled closer slightly. "It's... I'm just... Look, I love you, but when we have sex I feel nothing, absolutely nothing."

It was a shock for Dan, one he didn't really understand, but he didn't jump on being hurt. "Why? Has something happened?" It worried Dan that Phil could've been hurt, or that he himself had done something wrong. "No, no... I just don't feel the whole appeal for sex, it doesn't really get me." "So you don't like sex?" "It's kind of like that, I just hate having to lie to you when we get intimate like that, you deserve someone who can give you all you want and more. That person isn't me, I can't even get this right."

Phil's eyes dropped to his lap when he finished his little explanation, but Dan jumped on it quick enough. "Phil, it's not you getting things wrong! You don't feel anything for sex, and that's completely fine. Sex isn't why I love you!" Dan didn't really know how to face it, he was usually comforting and eloquent with his words to people, but it just seemed different.

"But you need someone to-" Phil took his hand away to gesture, a bit lost on how to say it, but it was obvious what he meant. "I have my hand, and... other things." Dan winked, and Phil covered his own face. "Dan!" "What? It's true!" "Yeah, but you didn't have to say it!" They smiled at each other, glad to be back to that then the tension that they'd both felt the past week or more. "Well I did, but anyway, I still love you Phil. You could've come to me about this and I'd have helped you work it out. Just because I'm not not into sex doesn't mean I'm mad at you for it."

There was a bit of a pause while they got used to it, until Dan broke it, "You can say you're ace!" He put on a northern accent for the 'ace' earning a playful slap on the arm from Phil. "I don't know whether to leave you for that." "You couldn't bare." Dan grinned, then took the chance to crawl into Phil's lap and wrap his arms around him. "Guess what." He said. "You're a penguin?" "That's weird." "Well what else was I supposed to say?" "That I love you, silly." "Come here." Phil rolled his eyes, but brought Dan down to kiss him. "I've missed you."

From there, they ended up lying on the couch, Phil clinging to Dan to stop him falling off the edge. "I'm supposed to be the melodramatic one, you ass." Dan said, eyes fixed on the TV. "What do you mean?" "That whole show of leaving me without a second look, like you could leave my fine ass behind." "You've used ass twice." "Ha! You can't argue it!" Dan laughed, but he did it a little too hard and slipped out of Phil's arms and onto the floor. A string of profanities followed with the bang of him hitting the carpet. "Language Daniel." Phil laughed, tongue sticking out the side of his mouth. "My butt! It's ruined!" Dan howled, exactly what Phil was thinking - melodramatic.

"Phil help, you must carry me to our bed and watch over me as I recover." Dan lay down, arm slung over his eyes. "Why should I?" "Because you love me." Dan whined, lips twitching into a smile. Phil had an idea, he stood up and grabbed Dan's ankles, beginning to pull him along the floor. "Phil! Put me down!" "You asked for it." Phil was giggling, then he got to the stairs. "Phil don't you even dare." Dan was close to shrieking. "Give me your arms, Howell." Phil dropped his ankles and went to his wrists.

Dan was one step ahead and tried to scrabble away from Phil, laughing with him as he did. He started running up the stairs, tripping onto all fours and beginning to go up them. "Come here!" Phil followed Dan and wrapped his arms around his waist, holding him still. "No! You caught me!".

Phil clung to Dan's back, making him climb the last few steps with him there. "Phil, I am not a horse!" He was laughing though, and when he got to his room he stood over the bed and shook so Phil fell off, hitting the bed with a soft wail of the springs.

"Happy now?" Dan rolled his eyes and sat on the bed while Phil got himself so he was lying with his head on the pillows. "Of course." And Dan lay next to him, weaving his fingers with Phil's. "I love you, you mustn't forget it." Dan moved so his head was on Phil's shoulder. They were back together, that's all that was ever going to matter.

#dan howell #phil lester #dnp #phan #phanfiction #dan and phil #dan and phil fluff #dan and phil angst #phan angst #phandom #phan fluff #dan howell angst #dan howell fluff #dan howell fanfiction #phil lester fluff #phil lester fanfiction #katwrites

14 notes · View notes

ladyoftheshrimp · 7 years

Text

When The Canary Stops Singing VII

Heed the tags people! One more instalment to come after this.

Previous parts are: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, and Part 6

The difference between determined and stubborn was a fine line. Theseus could tightrope walk across the divide and people could call him either. It was why he continued to visit both Graves and Newt in hospital. They weren’t the men he knew from before the war but they were shadows of them and he felt he owed them enough to warrant his somewhat unwelcome visits. The two men were not allowed to see each other, they were moved further apart in the hospital after Graves rampaged through the corridors several nights a week to find Newt. After weeks of hospital care there seemed to be no difference in either of them. Graves was still violent, unpredictable, and non-verbal. He was all but feral, the way he attacked without any provocation. He was fiercely protective of his food and Theseus was saddened to note that more often than not he’d purge after eating. At first the healers thought he was just hungry because of all the energy he’d exerted on both healing and the attacks. So they supplied him with endless amounts of food. Each time Graves would polish it off, no matter how much he was given. The cleaners would later find the piles of vomit artfully hidden. At first they were hidden by papers so they got removed from his room. Then the bedside cabinet moved and underneath it was another pile. That’s how the bedside cabinet got spelled to the ground with a sticking spell. The day Graves’ pillow was taken away because it covered another splatter of vomit was the day Theseus had had enough.

He’d been to see Newt first. It was always the harder visit of the two because Newt could converse with him. It was pleasant, superficial and absolutely flat. They’d talk about current events, how Theseus was doing, even how Newt was doing (though the answer was unerringly always “fine”) but it wasn’t the same. There was no spark of life in Newt, none of his childlike wonder and not once did he ask about his case. For all his seeming normality Newt could have been an animated cardboard cut-out caricature of his former self. Theseus was sitting on the chair a proper distance from the bed. Long gone were the days he and Newt could curl up in bed for a chat. The only time he’d tried to sit on the bed in the hospital Newt had gone quiet, stock still with forced even breaths. Theseus still didn’t know if it was the proximity or the wrinkles in the sheets that set Newt off but his panic was palpable despite its invisibility.

It was purely by accident that Theseus noticed. Lunch had been served and Newt moved it around on his plate until everything was evenly spread. The salad sorted by leaf types, the side dishes of peas and sweetcorn sorted into tidy triangles on the plate while the meat sat at a perfect right angle off them. His utensils were then meticulously wiped and placed perfectly aligned next to the plate.

“Not hungry?” Theseus asked bitterly.

“Nope.” Newt didn’t smile cheekily like he would have done in the past at such a blatant lie. Instead he stretched forward to smooth an invisible crinkle out of the sheet. His shirt rode up his side with the motion. At first Theseus thought he could see the outline of his brother’s ribs, neat lines down his side. But ribs didn’t extend down to hips. Nor were they so surgically precise. Horror dawned on Theseus. He’d seen such marks before. In the battlefield first aid centres. Victims of slicing hexes who weren’t fortunate enough to suffer a quick death. Before he could think his arm was on Newt’s shoulder, the other hand pushing up his shirt. Under his palm Newt stilled his motions but the trembles of fear were easy to feel. Ashamed of his actions Theseus stopped trying to see the wounds and in the silence he could hear the shaky, heavy breaths as Newt fought to control his fear. Theseus sprang away the instant he realised Newt was only a few breaths away from a full blown panic attack. He gave him the space and watched as Newt pulled his arm back, crinkle in the sheets forgotten. His eyes were hazy and distant in a way Theseus hated. It was a painful few minutes where Theseus could only watch his brother claw himself back from whatever hell he’d been catapulted into by a simple touch.

“Newt?” he ventured, voice soft in the silence.

“Yes?” came the shaky yet flat reply.

“Are those cuts on your side?”

“Would it matter if they were?” Newt stared at him without blinking.

“They weren’t in the initial assessment report when you were brought in.”

“Why would they be?” Newt’s gaze left Theseus uncomfortable and suddenly he wished for Newt’s annoying habit of staring up through his fringe to resurface. The question raised an uncomfortable question in Theseus. One he wasn’t sure how to ask. Deep down he knew the scars looked too new. Too fresh to be weeks old festering wounds that healed too late after being inflicted. He’d read the reports too and nowhere did Newt nor the medical reports mention slicing hexes. Whipping and belting marks by the dozen, curses of an almost eyebrow raisingly creative variety sure but never magically inflicted cuts. Theseus took a deep breath.

“Did you…?” He couldn’t finish the sentence. Couldn’t think of Newt late at night in his hospital bed, pointing his wand at his side and gritting is teeth as magic split the flesh. The glimpse he got of the still knitting together scars was enough to tell him that they were getting deeper.

“Would it matter? I have enough scars that a few more won’t make a difference.” Newt replied to the unspoken question.

“It would matter to me. Why? Newt, why do this to yourself?” Theseus wasn’t going to cry. He was the bastion of calm that needed to anchor Newt, and to an extent Graves, to this reality. He couldn’t afford to fall apart.

“Because.” Newt shrugged.

“Because?”

“It makes me feel real. That I’m not in some coma back in that dark pit. Because I control my pain and not them. Because I deserve it and it’s the only way I feel clean.”

Something cold and heavy settled over Theseus’ shoulders like a mantle. He’d been kept up to date with Newt’s progress but nowhere had it mentioned the cuts. The self-inflicted suffering. In fact the reports were talking of releasing Newt because he seemed to be doing okay. He showed no outward sign of struggling to cope except for a rather flat demeanour which was, it their eyes an okay response.

“What if I asked you to stop?”

“What if I asked you to stop biting your nails when you’re stressed?” the monotone delivery added such an awful air to the question, like a demonic child in those wireless plays about possession Theseus once upon a time enjoyed listening it.

“That’s different.”

“Is it?”

Theseus couldn’t hold it together any longer and he walked out the room. Newt wasn’t any better than when they rescued him. He hid everything under a façade of indifference that was so thorough he wondered if even Newt knew just what he was feeling or should be feeling. It’s beyond Theseus’ coping skills and he had to leave. Graves at least would be easier to cope with because while no less damaged it was at least a visible kind of brokenness that Graves couldn’t make any effort to hide.

The room was stark, empty and cold. A mattress was spelled to be stuck to the ground and there was a light blanket on it, nothing more. Graves was rocking in the corner muttering his serial number and Theseus saw red. The room was not much better than the cell they’d been kept in, it had a small amount of comfort and it was bright and clean where the cell had been dark and filthy but it lacked all civility and was worse than a prison cell in Azkaban. Behind Theseus a healer walked by and he whirled round to get answers.

“Why’s his room so empty?” The healer looked startled at the sudden question.

“He gets violent and will use anything as an offensive weapon. When he isn’t acting out he hides vomit in his room. We can’t keep cleaning up after him all the time. Last night he slept in his own sick because he could only hide it in his bed. Can you imagine the mess the morning rounds became? It was disgusting.”

“So feed him less.” Theseus growled and the healer laughed.

“You think we haven’t tried that? Even if he’s starved for a day and given only an apple after 24 hours he’ll still throw up. There’s nothing physically wrong with him.”

What Graves couldn’t voice, couldn’t tell anyone was that no matter how hungry he got after the first few bites all he could taste was the rotten flesh of his captor. The awful taste of putrefied meat that clung in his throat and nose every time he ate. He could remember the way his teeth sank into the decay softened muscle and fat that he had to force down to survive. Graves had to live and for that he had to eat. He didn’t know why anymore but he knew he had to keep breathing.

That afternoon Theseus kicked up a fuss. He got into screaming matches with the head healer, with MACUSA representatives and anyone else who stood in his way. There was no visible improvement in Graves’ condition, he was probably never going to return home by himself let alone to work. He was going to be put in an institution, squirreled away from public sight so at least he didn’t have to suffer the humiliation of people gawking at how the mighty had fallen. When all was said and done Theseus signed the paperwork and returned home. He had three days to make his old family home habitable again rather than a shut away, dusty old mansion. It was hard work but with the help of friends and handsomely paid staff it was done.

The rooms he’d allocated Newt and Graves were next door to each other despite advice from the healers. What little he had seen of Graves and Newt together is seemed that they needed the other nearby. If a few months apart hadn’t done them any favours then a lifetime apart wouldn’t either. The two men arrived separately, Newt was easier so he was shown to his room where he stood, almost helpless and lost in his own home. Theseus tried to reassure him but in the end he closed the door behind himself as Graves was due to arrive, leaving Newt still standing in the middle of the room.

Graves was sedated for transportation. The forced sleep did not ease the creases between his brows and he was tied down with magically reinforced cuffs. None too gently he was deposited on his new bed before the transport team scurried out, Graves was no longer their concern and they had no desire to be there when he woke. To keep himself busy Theseus set about arranging a light dinner for them all. He wasn’t sure about Newt and Graves’ preferences for food so he kept it light and easy, just some fruits and cold meats. The sedative had Graves thoroughly under for most part of the afternoon and into the evening. Before he was due to even stir Theseus made his way up to Newt’s room. He knocked and opened the door. Immediately he wished he’d waited for Newt to invite him in. In the middle of the room Newt stood with his back to the door, he’d twisted wide eyed to see the intruder. One hand held his wand the other’s palm was covered in blood from a deep gash on the soft bit of his side between protruding hip bone and ribs.

“Newt.” Theseus gasped, automatically summoning healing potions, bandages and anything else he could think of. Frozen to the spot Newt watched with alarm but made no move to even put pressure over the cut to staunch the flow of blood. It seeped into his trousers and turned them a black-brown. In his efforts to help Theseus never noticed the ragged breaths Newt was drawing as his eyes remained fixed on the door. Theseus fussed over the wound, completely focussed on sealing the wound and keeping his brother as pain free as possible. He moved Newt’s arms out of the way, crouched in front of him to inspect the deep cut and tried to summon the dittany essence to help heal the wound. The sharp stench of urine pulled him out of his mission. He looked up at Newt who stared at him wide eyed, his trousers wet. Newt swallowed shakily as tears threatened to trickle down his cheeks.

“Jesus fuck Newt.” Theseus gasped and shoved himself away. “I’m not going to. Did you think I was-? Oh fuck. I’d never hurt you.”

Newt stood frozen in place and didn’t reply, he didn’t blink either. Just stared at his brother with huge terror filled eyes.

“Okay, okay.” Theseus ran a hand over his face. “Here’s what we’re going to do. Here’s the dittany, you apply that to your cut. Then bandage it with these. I’ll go get you some clean trousers. I’ll knock when I’m back and can just hand them in through the door if that would make you feel better. Okay?” He got no reply but he moved anyway, mind reeling.

By the time he got back with clean clothes Newt was mostly tidied up, the mess of bandages potions and everything else was militaristically stacked, tidied away. Theseus passed over the clean clothes and Newt took them unabashed and uncaring of the state he was in. It made something tighten in Theseus chest.

“You know I’d never hurt you.” He had to tell Newt.

“I know.” Was the simple reply he got and Theseus had to look away. Newt seemed to have no shame anymore as he stripped in front of his brother to change. The clothes he took off were precisely folded and placed in the laundry hamper, edges aligned and creases smoothed out.

“I thought you might like dinner in the dining room this evening.” Newt looked at him silently, dressed and presentable once again. But he was too still, standing in the middle of the room where Theseus had left him.

“Or I could bring it to you, if you’d prefer to go to bed early.” Theseus offered but got no reply. A crash from the room over finished any chance of them reaching a conclusion. “Get in bed, I’ll bring you food.” Theseus threw over his shoulder as he rushed to try and calm Graves.

In the darkened room Graves had pushed himself into a corner and he growled fiercely as Theseus approached. Noises seemed to set him off, a book was hurled towards Theseus when he tried to speak. So Theseus adapted, he stopped making noise, crouched down, made himself as small as possible and when he was close enough he began humming. It was an old lullaby his mother had hummed to her children. Graves watched him with wary eyes but eventually, after many minutes in the dark something relaxed.

“Newt’s in the room over, if you want to see him.” Theseus offered quietly when the melody died away. He didn’t expect to be pushed to the ground as the wraith that Graves had become launched past him. It took Theseus longer than he wanted to admit to pick himself up and only as he got to the door did he think that perhaps the two men would hurt each other. Instead he found them both on the bed, not quite touching but closer than either had let anyone else get. Theseus remembered all the times Newt quivered and shook when somebody touched him but it seemed Graves was an exception.

“I’ll bring dinner up.” Theseus muttered but it seemed neither men had heard him as they stared off into the distance. Down in the kitchen Theseus pulled the food onto a tray and grabbed some water while he was at it too. No doubt his new charges would be hungry. Slowly, he made his way up the stairs and pushed the door open with a shoulder. On the bed Graves and Newt were seemingly fast asleep. They faced each other, foreheads pushed together. Newt’s hand rested lightly on Graves’ neck, fingers on the steady, strong pulse. Quieter than when he entered Theseus left and tried not to think of the other times the two men had slept like that, Newt’s fingers desperately pressed to a thready and erratic pulse, the only confirmation that Graves was still alive and with him while they slept.

#when the canary stops singing #percival graves #newt scamander #tw POW #tw panic attack #tw eating problems #tw self half #tw vomit #tw blood #feral graves #tw aftermath of torture #control issues #tw cannibalism

7 notes · View notes

iamjaynaemarie · 7 years

Photo

This was Dutch. He was the miraculous mistake. I was in L.A. I I wanted a cat. My friend in Burbank had a cat that had one litter of kittens and I was to get the grey one. Before I could get it, someone else got it so she promise me the next one. About two months or so later her cat had four kittens. All the boys looked like Dutch and the girl was his sister. I was to get his sister. When I went to get her, she threw in Dutch saying she might get lonely. I was hesitant but I took him. I am glad I did.

This was the Chosen One--Princess. A rare color for her type of cat: Part Persian, Part Himalayan and Part Ragdoll. In color, she’s a flame seal tip--the rarest of colors. Most look like Dutch (whose name was Duchess because I thought he was a she until his first shots and his vet said that he was a Duke. He already had the nickname Dutch so it stuck). My mother died a week after I got them so my friend babysat them until I got back three weeks later. I took them home and Dutch turned out to be the protector. One day I was watching television and he kept meowing and if I got up, he’d head for the kitchen. I thought he was hungry but he had food. He kept doing it until about 30 minutes later I was in front of the fridge and just said ‘what’ and opened it and out jumped Princess. That wouldn't be the first time he would protect all creatures--including a pet rat named Joe that slept with them often or my pet mouse Davenport he saved from falling off the toilet seat while I was changing her cage after surgery.

Lady came after Phoenix (who was 4 weeks older than she was but died of mouth cancer two years later when I moved back home to Missouri) Lady was the smallest at the shelter. Her mother got hit by a car and her siblings drowned in a rainstorm. I just liked her for some reason but at time wore on, I always thought she’d die first. But it would be Princess first who died of pneumonia at age 14 and of loneliness for his sister, Dutch died 6 months later.

Cairo--the cat that proved 9 live isn’t just a cliche. The fourth cat and the youngest, he was the fearless and most annoying cat at the shelter. I liked that. Lady took a while to get used to him as he was 8 years younger. I got him for her. One day, he ate a poisoned plant and became jaundiced and weak and the vet was ready to put him down at only 2 years old. Dad asked if there was something we could do--he had hepatitis, an illness that animals never get fully over and it weakens their immune system. They often die. His liver was all but gone but they just pacified me by giving me the life-saving food and a syringe and told me to feed him every 2 hours. If he started to throw up, he was goner. He threw up once but in three days, he was nibbling some chicken. He started drinking water on his own in about a week and three weeks before his appointment he started eating cat food and picking on Lady again. When he returned to the vet, he was no longer yellow, his fur was shiny and smooth again. In all of his years as a vet, he said he had never seen any animal with hepatitis make a full 100% recovery. He’s called their miracle cat and now he tells other owners who have pets with this illness to do what I did for 6 weeks. It’s been 12 years now and he’s healthy. During that time, Lady became the second miracle cat to be cured of herpes of the eye. It is incurable but has remission but animals go blind usually. Lady went into permanent remission.

Aslan--My younger. True to his name, he’s a good cat--tame is another story altogether. He came in as Dutch was dying. He was here when Lady a year later. He’s close to Cairo but they need a sister because boys are boys no matter their species. He’s reached the age of 6 and has to cuddle constantly. They both sleep with me all the time--except when Cairo is watching Lee Pace gifs and staring at Smaug.

Pets are family. They know that. It’s in their DNA. They know who loves them and cares for them, @fortunatelyclevercandy. No matter what. When my niece died, Cairo would cuddle when I was sad. When Princess died, Lady spent more time with Dutch--This photo is the last photo of my California cats. They are all gone now. I miss them all. I had a dog that lived to 99 dog years. I had her when I was 7 until I was 17. We were separated for another 10 years until the people that had her died and returned home. When I came home from college to see her, she could see but when I called her she came to me. She lived for about a month and died with her family peacefully. I had a 2 year old that died of loneliness after she died. Animals feel things just like we do. We just have to know when they know when it’s time. They will always be alone and they will always avoid closeness when it’s close to their time. Other animals will slowly move away after they say their goodbyes. They will fight when they want but if they can’t there are signs. In their case, that’s when you have to respect that and they will let you know they have to leave.

I tried to save Dutch and Lady, but I couldn’t stand their pain anymore and they would just look at me in agony. It is very hard to let go of any living thing. I’ve seen the animal world in morning living on a farm. It is an incredible to see how they cope with loss. They are far smarter than we are because they still have their primal instincts. Humans have lost that. We forget how to see what we should often because we thing everything in this world is the way we want it rather than how it is. You’re sad because you feel them being close to them. Animals are mankind last link to the real natural world. They give us our humanity. It will hurt. It still hurts me. I miss every little thing they’ve done. Cairo misses my Dad. He could tell when his truck pulled up outside and even now, if he hears a truck, he goes to his perch and waits. I can’t tell him he won’t see him again, he has to learn that. Dad asks about him a lot. If I can, I’ll get him here one day to watch them snuggle on last time. Of course you’re sad. That’s natural. But the one thing I remember that we are losing them but our pain is nothing compared to them losing us. They are going to miss you when they go, too. They know that. They’ll let go if they think you will be alright. Not one of my cats in age order died until the next in line was prepared to take their place.

That is the nature of nature. The cycle humans used to know and animals still live by, @storytimeteller1. If were more like them, this world would be a wonderful and peaceful place. I know that. I’ve seen that.

This little fella knows exactly what he’s doing and who he’s doing it to--that’s a genuine bear hug. That’s how animals are. We have to get back to that somehow some day. Be well. I think I can sleep now. I’ve had a good cry.

18 notes · View notes

dpinoycosmonaut · 3 years

Text

ANOTHER PUREFOODS ICON GOES

by Bert A. Ramirez / June 3, 2021

Marc Pingris blocks a bigger Asi Taulava in a defensive play typical of the Purefoods frontliner’s PBA career. (Photo from philstar.com)

How do you remember a legend? Obviously, this question is now being asked after Marc Pingris, the last remaining member of the Magnolia Hotshots’ iconic Big Three that also included James Yap, now in his last legs with Rain or Shine, and Peter Jun Simon, who retired from the game last year to start a family of his own, announced his own retirement from basketball last week.

Pingris, or simply “Ping” or the “Pinoy Sakuragi” to fans who have identified him with that anime character in “Slam Dunk” that their favorite has declared a liking for, leaves behind a legacy that in basketball parlance may be considered as revolving around the intangibles and character he brought to the sport. If one were looking for gaudy statistics, the 6-foot-4 native of Pozorrubio, Pangasinan will pale in comparison to other all-time greats. In a 16-year career spanning 658 games, after all, he never averaged more than 9.8 points, 9.4 rebounds, 1.6 blocked shots and 3.1 assists, finishing with career averages of just 7.9 points, 7.3 rebounds, 1.7 assists and less than a block.

But Pingris is one of those players whose value would go way beyond the usual numbers, whose presence provided the team he played for the leadership, the hustle, the intensity and the winning ingredient that’s so essential in any team sport. He never cared about stats; all he cared about was winning a damn game and, at the right opportunity, a championship. His value was like that of a Ben Wallace, the former Detroit Pistons center who was recently elected to the Hall of Fame despite never scoring in double figures in his career (although he did lead the NBA in rebounds twice), yet was always considered an indispensable cog on the team he played for. The similarity between Pingris and Wallace may be reflected in the fact that both were multiple-time Defensive Player of the Year awardees in their respective leagues, with Pingris winning it three times and Wallace four.

“He was the consummate soldier,” former coach Ryan Gregorio said of Pingris, whom the then-Purefoods TJ Hotdogs acquired in a 2005 trade from the now-defunct FedEx Express, who picked the power forward third in the 2004 draft after Rich Alvarez and Yap, the future Purefoods superstar with whom Pingris would form a long partnership along with another player, Simon, whom Gregorio also signed as a free agent in the same year both Yap and Pingris were drafted.

Gregorio was trying to rebuild the Hotdogs who had then fallen on hard times with the retirement in 2004 of Alvin Patrimonio, the face of the franchise the previous 16 years, just after Yap and Simon had come aboard. And Pingris appeared to have completed that rebuild.

"His raw enthusiasm. That is where it all started," Gregorio said of Pingris. "And we would always have a discussion on where he came from. This guy came from the school of hard knocks, and every time you see people like that, you know that they're gonna fight to survive, put food on the table, and will always try to wiggle off from any challenges just to make sure that their head is above water."

Indeed, Pingris had humble beginnings, providing a classic rags-to-riches story where one’s perseverance would pay off in the end. Brought up by his single mother, Erlinda, after his French father, Jean Marc Sr., left them when Marc was just three years old to work in Morocco, they eventually lost touch for some reason and Marc thus eventually had to help his mom make both ends meet.

"We really had a difficult life growing up,” Ping related. “So after I got drafted, the first person I really looked for was my mother. I hugged her and thanked her for helping us get through such incredibly difficult times in Pangasinan. No matter what happened, she always managed to put food on the table and never allowed me and my siblings to miss even a single meal in a day.

"Basketball truly gave my family a comfortable life," he continued. "Who would imagine that a kid who worked and slept in the wet market would become a PBA player? When my name was called on draft night, I told myself that this is the start of great things, that I will not let go of this opportunity."

True enough, Pingris became the prototypical workhorse, particularly when Purefoods traded for him a year after being drafted. But perhaps because of that survival baggage that he carried, Pingris was at first short-tempered and literally fought his way around the court. But Gregorio found a way to tame him, partly because Marc was a really good guy and partly because Ryan knew how to push the buttons.

"When I acquired him in 2005, I got a player who was basically a live wire – he could not control his emotions and he would easily get into a fight," recalled Gregorio. "But my message to him then was just to channel your raw emotions into a positive energy and just focus on three things that you're good at."

And Gregorio found a guy who was willing to do anything and lay it all out on the court. "When people would say that things can't be done, Marc Pingris would say, 'ako na bahala dyan, coach,'" Gregorio looked back with fondness.

Pingris quickly led his new team, now called the Giants, to the Philippine Cup title in 2006, the team’s first title victory since 2002, in the process clinching Finals MVP honors as Purefoods defeated Red Bull 4-2. In Game 2 of the series, he scored 21 points to lead the Giants to a 93-82 victory.

Still, the partnership would take a turn. After then-incumbent center Rommel Adducul was diagnosed with nasopharynx cancer, the Giants in 2008 traded Pingris to the then-Magnolia Beverage Masters (now San Miguel Beer) for center Enrico Villanueva, thinking that Villanueva would make for a perfect replacement for the stricken former San Sebastian star. It was a huge mistake that Gregorio later had to anxiously make amends for. While Pingris won a championship with his new team, the Giants struggled.

"I traded Ping because I thought we knew the big guy,” Gregorio later recalled. “We needed a big guy because the opposition was trying to do it (and) was starting to get bigger and heavier. Unfortunately, the experiment didn't pan out."

Gregorio had to plead with then-team president Butch Alejo as well as Patrimonio, then already the team manager, and governor Rene Pardo to find a way to bring back Pingris as well as Paul Artadi, whom the team also traded away, as he knew the duo would vastly improve the team’s defense, especially Pingris who would “make it miserable for the opponent to at least score inside the paint.

“We would have gotten a lot of championships if I didn't break the team,” Gregorio admitted.

Pingris’ return to Purefoods was thus orchestrated before the 2009-10 season, with Marc first being shipped to Burger King and then Purefoods reacquiring him 24 hours later in exchange for the Giants’ first- and second-round picks in 2010.

"For some people, when you get traded, there is animosity but with Ping, I just told him that it was just a basketball decision," Gregorio recalled. "True enough… he was ready to heed a call to go back to Purefoods and we won a championship."

The 2010 Philippine Cup championship that the team, now called B-Meg Llamados, would clinch via a 4-0 sweep of Alaska in the finals would, however, be the last title Pingris would win with Gregorio, who then moved over to Meralco later that year to coach the comebacking Bolts.

But it also started a partnership with a new coach, Tim Cone, who came over from Alaska in 2011 and would steer the franchise to five more championships, including a historic grand slam and “four-peat” in 2014, and Pingris would be one of the bulwarks of those milestone victories along with, of course, his Big Three partners, Yap and Simon, plus such players as Mark Barroca, Joe Devance, Alex Mallari, Allein Maliksi, Ian Sangalang Rafi Reavis and Justin Melton.

None of those titles, however, would come easily. In that 2012 Commissioner’s Cup championship, B-Meg had to rely on import Denzel Bowles’ two free shots to send Game 7 of its series against Talk ‘N Text into overtime, where the Llamados pounced on the Texters to clinch it. Marc then had to play magnificently in another seven-game barnburner in the 2013 Governors’ Cup finals against the powerhouse Petron Blaze team (another of SMB’s past incarnations) for the Llamados to clinch the first of four straight championships en route to that historic grand slam, in the process earning for Pingris a second Finals MVP trophy.

Looking back at that partnership with Cone, the winningest coach in PBA history with 23 championships, Pingris thanked the now-Giñebra mentor, saying he “grew to understand the sport as more than a game.” Unknown to many, Marc’s stint under Cone did not start smoothly as he found it hard to adjust to Cone’s triangle offense to the point that he requested for a trade for fear that he wouldn’t be able to cope with his new coach’s system. Eventually, however, Pingris realized how that system would help the team win and he eventually bought into it.

Cone, meanwhile, found in Marc such a great soldier that he can only look back with fondness at his former frontcourt lynchpin. When Pingris announced his retirement, Cone referred to it as the “end of an era.

“Certainly one of a kind,” he wrote of Pingris in his Twitter post. “I loved, in every way, coaching Ping. Tough as nails on the court, gentle in spirit off it. @MPingris will be the standard from which I coach future players. My fav.”

It was that gentleness in spirit as well as sincerity and sense of humor off the court that probably attracted Marc’s wife Danica to him. Danica, the daughter of TV host and movie star Vic Sotto by actress Dina Bonnevie who also appeared in movies and TV before she got hitched with Pingris in March 2007, now has two kids with him, son Michael, 12, and daughter Micaela, eight. It was Danica who would exert tremendous effort to enable Pingris to find and later get reunited with his estranged father in 2007. They’ve since met and spent time with each other in the succeeding years particularly when Marc played with the Gilas Pilipinas national team in various tournaments in Europe, including the 2014 FIBA World Cup in Spain.

With his retirement, Pingris intends to spend more time with his family that includes wife Danica and children Michael and Micaela. (Photo from Danica Pingris’ Instagram account)

Truth is, other coaches also found in Pingris a special trait not often seen in other players. His last coach, current Magnolia Hotshots mentor Chito Victolero, thought so highly of him that he reserved a slot on the team for Marc even if he had hardly played in the last two years after suffering a torn anterior cruciate ligament in his left knee in the 2018 Philippine Cup. That notwithstanding, an assortment of injuries, including a right calf injury that prevented him from joining the Hotshots in the bubble last year, finally made Pingris decide to call it a career.

"Coach Chito actually wanted me to start practicing again, and I told him I'll come back. But along the way, I understood that I had other priorities," Pingris explained. "So I talked to coach and apologized, and I thanked him because he really fought to keep my spot in the team. I was embarrassed, of course, but I knew he understood my decision since he was once a player himself.

"I'm really thankful that he's there not just as a coach, but as a friend and as an older brother who had my back all the way," Ping, who will turn 40 years old this coming October 16, added.

Victolero paid tribute to Marc once he has decided to finally hang up his sneakers. “A team need(s) good players like you,” Chito wrote on Twitter. “You gained people's respect for your exemplary sportsmanship, humility, hard work, right attitude and of course your Big Puso. Your success is not a surprise and you deserve it.

“Thanks for the memories, brotherhood, championships at lahat ng pinagsamahan natin. I will treasure everything. The players, the coaching staff, the support staff, the fans and the game itself will miss you always! Thank you for your years of dedication that has given us endless entertainment. You may be retiring, but a new phase of your life is beginning. Wish you a wonderful future ahead. See you around and good luck!! God bless you Ping. Salute to our Pinoy Sakuragi. I love you brother,” Victolero concluded.

Comebacking TNT Tropang Giga coach Chot Reyes, who coached Pingris on those Gilas Pilipinas teams from 2013 to 2014, said the power forward's "work ethic, selflessness and deep love for country" were what set him apart.

"Retirements are always bittersweet," said Reyes in a message to ESPN5. "On one hand I'll be seeing the last of a player who is very special to me; but on the other hand I'm glad he's retiring on his own terms and beginning a new phase of his still young life. He WAS #puso not only in 2014 but also in the FIBA Asia in 2013."

Indeed, it was Pingris who probably best exemplified the “puso” mantra that Chot first built around that Gilas Pilipinas team that won the silver medal in the 2013 FIBA Asia Championships held here in Manila, which enabled the Philippines to make it back to the FIBA World Cup for the first time since 1978 the following year. In perhaps the most memorable game that Pingris played for in the country’s semifinal matchup against South Korea before a full house that included then-President Noynoy Aquino at the Mall of Asia Arena, it was Pingris who sparked the nationals to a landmark victory over the Koreans, whom as everybody would remember had seemingly cast a spell over the Filipinos every time they met in Asian competitions. And he did it even with a sprained foot he sustained before the halftime break even as the Gilas team had lost naturalized import Marcus Douthit the rest of the game with an injury in the first half.

Pingris gallantly battled the Koreans’ big men to spark his teammates’ confidence even without the 6-foot-10 Douthit, scoring 16 points and grabbing 10 rebounds as the Philippines beat Korea 86-79 to make it to the finals against China.

“I prayed,” Pingris said after injuring his ankle. “I asked Him to help me not feel the pain. That moment when we won against Korea, that was the happiest because every Filipino was crying (out of joy). Everyone, people beside me, even if I didn’t know them, (they were saying) ‘thank you, thank you.’ Even if it was us who should have been thanking them. We were thankful for the fans because of the energy they gave us. (The fans) were really the key in that win, their cheers.”

Despite the role he played on many of those Gilas teams, Pingris still thought it was he who owed it, not the other way around. "I'm thankful to coach Chot Reyes and to the MVP Group for giving me the opportunity to play for the Philippines. I wasn't a star player in the PBA. I was just a role player. But they gave me an opportunity to try out and play for Gilas," Marc declared. "It's truly an honor wearing the Philippine jersey and playing for the flag."

Of course, his exploits with Gilas were typical of the effort that Pjngris always brought on the court, something that made him one of the most popular players in the local pro league while playing for what many consider the second-most popular PBA team next only to Giñebra, with whom Purefoods has spawned a rivalry called “Manila Clasico.”

When it was over, Pingris will be remembered for such style of play that was rewarded with not only those championships, nine of them overall, but such individual honors as 15 All-Star Game berths, three PBA Mythical Second Team selections, eight All-Defensive Team slots, and recognition as one of the league’s 40 Greatest Players when the league celebrated its 40th anniversary in 2015.

No wonder Pingris is also one of the most admired and respected players by both his peers and basketball cognoscenti alike.

Long-time Gilas captain and Rain or Shine stalwart Gabe Norwood, for example, said, "One of the true GREATS of the PBA is hanging up his kicks. Greatly appreciate you, (Marc Pingris)! Competing against you and repping the flag together are memories that'll stay with me forever. More power to you, roommate!"

Six-time league MVP June Mar Fajardo of SMB, meanwhile, said, “Salamat 'tol sa friendship at bilang kuya! Good luck sa bagong career mo at enjoy retirement! Mami-miss kita sa loob ng court!"

Another SMB star, Terrence Romeo, said, "Maraming salamat kuya Marc sa lahat ng nagawa mo sa basketball. Isa ka sa mga iniidolo ko on and off the court. Napaka-humble at napakabait mo at laging nandyan yung puso sa game! Salamat sa mga payo mo sakin kuya. Good luck sa next chapter ng life mo. God bless you and your family always!"

Fellow retirees Ranidel de Ocampo, Dondon Hontiveros and Doug Kramer also had something to say to Marc.

"Thank you 'tol sa buong puso mo! Salamat at naging part kami ng journey mo mula sa simula,” De Ocampo wrote on Instagram. “Good luck sa bagong chapter. God bless you and your family! Happy retirement!"

"Congrats bro!” said Hontiveros, a teammate with the SMB franchise during Pingris’ brief stint there as well as with Gilas in 2015. “Hindi lang sa napaka-successful na career mo, pati sa pagiging magandang halimbawa. Marami kang napahanga sa galing at tapang mo. PUSO!"

"Congrats Ping! Awesome career! Ph legend status. God bless you bro!" said Kramer.

And former PBA commissioner Noli Eala wrote on Twitter: "I first saw Marc Pingris play with the Cebuana Lhuillier National Team as a guest team in a PBA invitational when I was commish. He impressed with his energy, strength, and passion. He kept that all through his pro career. Happy I saw it all. Thanks Marc for making the game better."

The most emotional comments, of course, came from his Purefoods teammates. Yap, in his Instagram account, recalled the many wars they went through.

“Madami-dami din tayong pinagdaanan na giyera sa loob ng court, magkasama tayo sa hirap at sa saya. Sabay tayo nagsimula in 2004 kaya nagulat ako na mag-retire ka na,” said Yap. “Gusto ko na take tong opportunity na to na pasalamatan ka @jeanmarc15 sa lahat ng ginawa mo para sakin. You were one of the best teammates I’ve ever had.

“Our brotherhood and friendship started with basketball (but I know) that we go beyond that, na kahit di na tayo pareho naglalaro di magbabago ang samahan natin. Congrats on the retirement ‘tol. See you around!”

Barroca also cherished the long friendship he and Marc have forged through the years. "Congratulations sa napakagandang career!” Barroca told Pingris. “Napakaraming humahanga sayo on and off court. Higit sa lahat, salamat sa napakagandang pagkakaibigan sa mga taong nagdaan at magdadaan pa. Mahal namin kayo @jeanmarc15 @danicaspingris."

Younger teammate Jack Corpuz, meanwhile, said, “Dati, napapanuod lang kita. Pinapangarap na makalaban ka sa basketball at maging teammate. Salamat sa mga advice at pag-motivate lagi sa akin. Lagi ko tatandaan lahat ng sinasabi mo sa akin. Stay safe. God bless Idol. See you soon.”

Definitely, Marc leaves a mark in the game that not many, even those who might have had more impressive numbers, probably would simply for his persona that’s associated not only with winning but also with great comradeship. And that’s just consistent with how he wants to be remembered, which he said will hopefully influence a generation that plays with the same passion that he played with.

"I don't regret anything because I've given it my all for 16 years here in the PBA," he said. "And I gave my heart to the game. I want people to remember me for that. I wasn't the most skilled player out there, but my heart was bigger than my talents. That's why I played the way I played."

So how do you remember a legend? You remember him with fondness. With gratitude. And with the hope that someday, somehow, someone like him will emerge from the streets of one small, obscure and far-flung town in the countryside like Marc Pingris did, and create a similar legend that he did.

#Pingris Magnolia Purefoods PBA

0 notes

aroundtheworldin18years · 5 years

Text

Stretching 346 km (215 miles) the River Thames is the UK’s second longest river, River Severn is the first. Starting as a slow trickle high in the rural Cotswolds in south-central England, the River Thames meanders through picturesque towns and villages before eventually flowing into the North Sea via the Thames Estuary. Having never been on a boating holiday before we were thrilled to work alongside Le Boat this Easter. Our boating holiday would showcase what a River Thames Cruise with Le Boat, from Benson to Windsor; has to offer families. So, if like us, you don’t know your port from your starboard, or indeed your bow from your stern…read on. And just to let you know, we didn’t know either…but we do now!

Windsor Castle

SMOOTH SAILING WITH STENA LINE

On a rainy night our Irish Sea crossing was with Stena Line on the Stena Superfast X. A luxurious ship with oodles of space and comfy seating. The restaurant had a great selection of hot and cold food, as well as hot and cold beverages. At 02.30 we all tucked into a hearty fry before heading to the cinema room to to watch the movie for this crossing, Christopher Robin. For 90 minutes Mummy slept and the girls and I watched Christopher Robin (now a grown man) rekindle his friendship with Winnie the pooh and friends. After the movie Matilda and Lily-Belle lay across one of the lounge bench seats and slept. Mummy and I chatted about Rosie (currently in the boot of the car) and how we thought she’d be coping. Returning to the car Rosie was more than excited to see us.

A hearty fry onboard the Stena Superfast X

Watching Winnie the Pooh on board the Stena Superfast X

Passports for people and pets

NEVER WORK WITH CHILDREN OR ANIMALS

For our River Thames cruise with Le Boat and for the very first time, we took our 1 year old Cocker Spaniel, Rosie; with us. To give you a little mental image of Rosie…she is super-cute, totally hyperactive and has serious ‘separation’ issues! Not to mention that this was her first journey longer than 30 minutes in a car, her first time on a boat, and her first time being around other people and dogs. I have to admit, I was a tad worried for what the week ahead would bring! There’s a famous saying and it goes, ‘never work with children or animals’, and we just so happen to have both in tow!

I hope this sailing isn’t woof, I mean rough

BOAT ENVY AND GRAVY BONES

From Holyhead to Benson, with a quick stop in Oxford for lunch, to walk Rosie and also pick up a few essentials; took the best part of 7 hours. Boat pick up was scheduled for 16:00 so we had a few hours to waste when we arrived in Benson at 13:00. A scenic River Thames walk, coffee at the Waterfront Café, ice cream for Lily-Belle and Matilda and a gravy bone for Rosie. After we fed ourselves there was the chance to feed the local swans. Plus, we indulged in a spot of boat watching (or envy) which soon brought our own Le Boat collection time upon us. And we were super excited for our River Thames Cruise with Le Boat!

Le Boat in Benson, Oxfordshire

Swans outside Le Boat in Benson, Oxfordshire

RIVER THAMES CRUISE WITH LE BOAT

Le Boat is now in its 50th year of operation. With branches throughout Europe it’s easy to see why they’ve become so well established. With bases on the River Thames, located in Benson and Chertsey; boat selection and pick up is a doddle. The pick up location for our 7 day River Thames Cruise with Le Boat was Benson, Oxfordshire. A quiet little village that sits on river silts and gravel, just above the surrounding marshy land of Preston Crowmarsh, Crowmarsh Gifford, and Rokemarsh. A little Benson fact…in 1993, the River Thames in Benson was used as one of the primary filming locations for the sitcom Keeping up Appearances. Peaceful.

Colourful map of the River Thames cruise with Le Boar

LE BOAT AT BENSON

At the Le Boat reception we were greeted warmly by the lovely Lucy. After a brief chat we were given a very thorough run down of the do’s and don’ts of boat housekeeping. Documents were signed and we were placed into the care of Slavek who would show us how to start, stop, steer and manoeuvre our 36ft vessel. Slavek also kindly took us to the first lock to show us how to operate the sluice and lock gates. From this point forward, this job would fall to the Captain’s Mate, otherwise known as Mummy! Holiday on the River Thames cruise with Le Boat here we come!

Sign here, here, here, here and oh, here

That’s the stern, and the pointy end is the bow

LE BOAT CRUSADER

About the Crusader. The Crusader boat is from the Budget range of boats offered by Le Boat. At 11.90 m long by 3.90 m wide, the Crusader has three separate cabins each with an en-suite bathroom. This model offers a variety of sleeping arrangements (single, doubles and singles that convert to doubles) to accommodate six. The size and versatility of the Crusader is excellent, a great choice for first timers to river cruising.

Inside the Crusader

primary steering station

electrical system is 12 volt DC power (220 volt shore power is available on some models),

2 cabins with convertible twin/double beds (both en-suite)

1 cabin with two single beds (en-suite),

kitchen with a stove, sink, and a fridge (freezer compartment within),

lounge has a large L-shaped sofa, drop-leaf dining table, and a radio/CD player.

stairs to upper deck.

Outside the Crusader

secondary steering station,

spacious sundeck with 360° viewing area,

plastic patio table and chairs

Credit: Le Boat

WHO SAID IT’S A DOG’S LIFE?

After successfully navigating the first lock with the assistance of Slavek, we were cruising along the River Thames. Our first stop was a short distance away in Wallingford where we moored overnight beside a pub named Boat House. Once we’d unpacked our bags and familiarised ourselves with the Le Boat Crusader, our hungry bellies steered us toward the Boat House for our evening meal. Dogs are very welcome in most pubs in England and treats are often provided free of charge. Rosie, although a little nervous; settled quite well and lay under the table. Every now and then Rosie would bark at other dogs if they strayed too close. Food arrived to the table promptly and was really decent pub grub.

Navigating Benson Lock on our Le Boat Crusader

Feeding our faces at the Boat House pub in Wallingford

If this is a dog’s life, I’ll take it every day

CHILLING IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE

Back on the Crusader we soon realised that as the April temperature fell to O°C outside, as did the temperature inside the Crusader. Thankfully the Crusader had heating which worked great when the engine was running. Our first night on the River Thames with Le Boat was very cold! The following morning we contacted Le Boat at Benson and arranged for extra duvets which Slavek kindly brought to us. Wallingford is a historic market town situated on the River Thames just south of Oxford. In the heart of the village lies the stony derelict ruins of a Norman Castle. Built in the 11th century, the castle is now grade 1 listed with just two walls remaining standing. There’s also a museum in the village with an extensive collection of Medieval and Victorian artefacts, sadly, as it was a Sunday, the museum was closed.

Wallingford Castle..ruined, but beautiful

Ancient ruins of Wallingford Castle

CRUISING ON THE WILD SIDE OF LIFE

Public mooring beside the Boat House cost £10.00 per night. After a breakfast of fresh croissants, cereal and hot buttery-toast; we received visitors port side. Four friendly ducks looking for us to feed them, which we did with freshly baked croissant crumbs. After feeding the ducks we navigated Wallingford bridge and set a course towards Windsor. I still hadn’t had my morning coffee at this point, mainly because we neglected to bring any! The Crusader pootles along at a speed of around 7-8km/h (4-5 mph) which gave us a chance to take in the beautiful and picturesque British countryside. A countryside that teems with wildlife. Swans, ducks, coots, geese, birds of prey, water voles and much more can be seen on the River Thames. There are many small islands along the river and as they are isolated and away from humans and land predators; birds use them to nest safely.

May we have fresh croissant crumbs please

What are you looking at?

LEARNING THE ROPES, AND THE LOCKS

The River Thames between Benson and Windsor has 18 locks to navigate. Out of season the locks are unmanned and entirely Self Service. Once the full season commences many of the locks are manned by employees of the River Agency or by volunteers. In all honesty we were surprised at how quiet the River Thames was. Rarely did we pass any other cruiser boats for hours at a time. The friendly lock keepers that we encountered amused us with lock tales and stories of ‘river rage’ during the busy Summer months. Each lock we encountered was maintained to a very high standard, and exceptionally clean. The locks also have a quaint little lock keeper’s hut and a residential cottage. Next stop Goring.

Lily-Belle, Cap’n of her ship

Lock Keeper’s hut at Cleeve Lock on the River Thames

Cleeve Lock on the River Thames

MOORING IN GORING

As we moored in Goring we got chatting with a couple of ladies out waking with their children. Lily-Belle and Matilda regained their land legs and played with the children. Chatting, we soon established that one of the ladies, visiting from Australia; was born in Delgany, Greystones in Ireland…which is where my father was born, died and is subsequently buried. Seriously, what are the odds of this encounter? What a small world! Off the boat we made our way into Goring village but not before stopping at George Michael’s riverside house. The house is empty and now owned by his sisters Melanie and Yioda. People are still leaving tributes at his door to this very day! After picking up coffee, sugar, milk and a few sweet treats from a local shop, we made our way back to Crusader to continue our journey down river.

George Micheal’s house in Goring on the River Thames

Mill Cottage in Goring

WAY DOWN THE SWAN(EE) RIVER

Between Goring and Mapledurham is Whitchurch Lock, the only lock on the River Thames that is inaccessible to the public by foot, bike or car. The lock keeper was a lovely chap named Tim whom we spent many minutes chatting with. Mapledurham is where we decided to moor for the evening. Peaceful, tranquil and swans nesting by the river’s edge. Through the Crusader window I was able to get a few photos of a nesting swan. The swan made her way to the river to drink and feed so I seized the opportunity to see if she was sitting on eggs, she was…two of them! Not wanting to disturb her, we moved the boat back out of the swans sight. The evening was spent walking Rosie, playing Uno and just chilling…it had been a long day.

Mummy swan keeping her eggs warm

Swan nest with eggs on the bank of the River Thames

A family game of Uno

MISTY MORNING ON THE RIVER THAMES

With two duvets on each bed we awoke toasty warm in the morning. A mist had descended on the River Thames and Mapledurham Lock was our first challenge of the day. The next mooring was planned for Henley-on-Thames, a journey that would take us through the beautiful locks at Caversham, Sonning and Shiplake. Beside each lock was a weir with fast flowing water. The locks, although very intimidating at first; were actually quite simple to manoeuvre the Crusader through…once we got the hang of it. Ok, so we had the odd moment where the Captain’s Mate (aka Mummy) missed roping the mooring peg, but this was soon rectified. It’s amazing how quickly the crew tow the line when you threaten them with walking the plank! The key to successfully navigating a lock is not to panic! Relax, look at the lock, select your temporary mooring peg and execute…simples!

Mapledurham Lock on the River Thames

Mapledurham Lock weir on the River Thames

EVERY LITTLE HELPS

Before Caversham Lock is a Tesco Extra with multiple mooring points. The perfect location to stop and do a grocery shop. Upon mooring we got chatting with a lovely local man, Sid. Polite and very knowledgeable about the river Thames, we chatted with Sid for some considerable time. There’s a significant number of unlicensed boats moored permanently beside Tesco. These boat dwellers are known locally as ‘river gypsies’ and by all means a nuisance. They have little or no consideration for other river users, or indeed for the River Thames itself. We witnessed one man nonchalantly throw litter overboard. I decided it was probably best not to leave the boat unattended. Mummy and the girls went to Tesco and I walked Rosie within sight of the boat. Back on board, and after feeding the swans that had gathered by our Crusader; our Le Boat River Thames cruise continued.

Sid and the ladies chat on the River Thames

Unwanted and abandoned boats on the River Thames

A RURAL JUNGLE

Cruising along the River Thames is a great way to be nosey and see how the ‘other half’ live! The houses that line the banks are absolutely stunning. Many of the homes have huge beautiful weeping willow trees in their garden and perfectly manicured lawns. We came across a few gardens with life size sculptures of giraffes, rhinos, lions and other weird and wonderful sculptures. On the River Thames cruise with Le Boat we passed through Sonning and spotted a house with lots (and lots) of security cameras. After stopping before Sonning Lock to fill up with water, we chatted with the lock keepers Tim (volunteer) and Nick (River Agency); who informed us the house once belonged to Uri Geller, bender of spoons! Next stop, Shiplake Lock then Henley-on-Thames.

No need to weep over this willow

A home with a view

Beautiful home on the River Thames

DÉJÀ VU DOUBLE TAKE

Arriving at Shiplake Lock we had a real Déjà Vu moment as we approached the waiting lock keeper. It took us a moment or two to realise that the lock keeper was Nick from the previous lock! Turns out that many of the lock keepers man two locks at the same time and spend their day travelling back and forth between them. Again we bid farewell and continued to Henley-on-Thames where we moored alongside a play park. Lily-Belle and Matilda had the chance to burn off energy, and Rosie got a good walk. Henley-on-Thames is famed for having many famous landmarks; one of which is the grade 1 listed five-arched Henley Bridge that was built in 1711. Note to self…don’t crash into the bridge! And of course, Henley-on-Thames is world renowned for the Henley Royal Regatta…rowing, strawberries, champagne and more rowing!

Tim and Nick looking after Shiplake Lock on the River Thames

The famous Henley Bridge on the River Thames

Rowers on the River Thames

TIME WAITS FOR NO MAN OR BOAT

Our stay in Henley-on-Thames was short, and with good reason. Beside the mooring point in Henley-on-Thames there was a play park and bandstand. The bandstand had attracted rowdy teenagers who were shouting and playing load music. Assuming that the noise would probably get worse as the night progressed I decided to move our Le Boat Crusader further down the River Thames. Lynne phoned a quieter private mooring at Harleyford Marina and spoke with a friendly chap named Tim. After pleading our need for WiFi and peace, we were kindly invited to moor overnight in the guest mooring. An hour and 30 minutes away, plus Hambledon and Hurley Locks to navigate; we wasted no time in leaving Henley-on-Thames. Harleyford Marina also happens to be the home of the world famous Steamboat Alaska; the UK’s oldest working passenger steamer.

Steamship Alaska, built in 1883, moored at Harleyford Marina on the River Thames

MOORING FROM DUSK TIL DAWN

Dusk was upon us when we arrived at Harleyford Marina and the offices were closed. The Marina was lit beautifully and silently secluded. Mooring at Harleyford Marina cost £30 per night which is a tad more expensive than the public moorings (£10) dotted along the River Thames. The on-site facilities, such as showers, laundry room, WiFi etc are excellent and well worth the mooring fee in our opinion. Mummy used her laptop to catch up on some work, Lily-Belle, Matilda and I played Pictureka (gave me a blinding headache) and Rosie slept. I think we all slept rather soundly at Harleyford Marina that night! We were thoroughly enjoying our River Thames Cruise with Le Boat.

Harleyford Marina on the River Thames

HARLEYFORD MARINA, HOME FROM HOME

Morning arrived at Harleyford Marina and we introduced ourselves to the General Manager, Mark Pearce. Mark had lots of information for us to ensure our journey along the River Thames was pleasant and enjoyable. Having already had our breakfast on board the Crusader, we were a tad disappointed to hear that the adjoining golf club served a very hearty Full English. Next time, next time for sure! The Crusader has three en-suite bathrooms, but as you can probably imagine, being on a boat; they are small. Personally I like a lot of space when showering. Before using the shower block at Harleyford Marina we popped a load into the washing machine in the laundry room. There was also a tumble dryer, an iron and an ironing board….whatever those are (only joking). All clean and refreshed we set sail for Windsor on a cold, wet rainy day.

Cookham Lock on a rainy day on the River Thames

COFFEE AND A COSY CABIN

The sky was dark and gloomy. Definitely not a day for sitting on the upper deck on our River Thames cruise with Le Boat. Thankfully the Crusader can also be steered from inside the cabin. Coffee in hand, I stood behind Lily-Belle and watched her navigate the straight stretch of River Thames that lay in front of us. Matilda had a turn but got bored very quickly. On the bank a crocodile lay poised ready to ambush! To keep themselves occupied, Lily-Belle and Matilda tried their hand at pointillism on a piece of kitchen roll. Pointilism, if you’ve never heard of it; is a technique in which small dots of colour are applied in patterns to form an image. Paul Signac and Georges Seurat developed this technique in 1886. Pointillism colouring kept the girls occupied for hours. Isn’t it amazing what children will do without the internet…and relatively squabble free!

What’s the point of pointillism?

Attention to detail is key to successful colouring

See you later, in a while

ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT

Today would be our longest cruising time on the Crusader with 6 locks and 14 miles to cover to reach Windsor. And on a cold, wet and windy day; it was a pleasure to see lock keepers attending most of the locks today. Even though the weather was miserable, that didn’t stop hardy rowers from venturing out onto the choppy River Thames. I felt cold just watching them as they passed by port side wearing lycra with arms and legs exposed to the elements…brrrrr! As for us, we made a very conscious decision to stay on the boat inside a warm cabin. After what felt like a lifetime on the Crusader we could see the majestic Windsor Castle on the horizon. Rain had finally stopped and the sky was clear and blue!

Rivers and Royals…Windsor it is.

FOOTBALL IS ALWAYS A PRIORITY

Arriving in Windsor I had just one thing on my mind…the Liverpool vs Porto FC game. Having checked online and found a pub with live streaming; I was a happy man. On arrival I confirmed the game would be streaming and we ordered food. Imagine how annoyed I was when the TV was switched over from the Liverpool game to the Man City vs Spurs game, livid! The food was presented beautifully but sadly, presentation was the best part of the meal; bland and tasteless. In the end we returned to the Crusader and I watched my beloved Liverpool FC play using Sky Go on my iphone. The girls sat on the upper deck and fed the swans as Rosie looked on. Swan food was purchased from a local shop at 60p per bag and we bought 20 bags! River Thames swans must be the best fed swans in the world!

Windsor swans…the best fed swans in the word

Rosie watching the swans on the River Thames

BREAKFAST THE PARISIAN WAY

The morning haze was lifting and the forecast given was for a hot day, probably our best chance for sightseeing around Windsor. For breakfast we ventured to dog-friendly Café Rouge; a beautiful retro cafe with a distinctively Parisian feel to it. Our server was also the General manager, Bertrand, who was a ‘homme charmant’ with a warm friendly manner, welcoming and very polite. Breakfast was superb and Rosie lay under the table anticipating a bacon or sausage titbit or two. The full English (or should that be full French) didn’t disappoint and was served with a less than traditional Cognac. Mummy and the girls were offered ‘champers’ but politely declined. The magnificent Windsor Castle was less than 300 metres away, and a little farther was The Long Walk in Windsor Great Park.

Café Rouge Windsor; fantastically french

Full English with a cognac, don’t mind if I do

Pancakes, bacon, maple syrup and bananas, what a way to start to the day

A VERY ROYAL WELCOME TO WINDSOR

Windsor Castle is a royal residence in the heart of Windsor, in the county of Berkshire. The castle has a long standing association with the British royal family and is world renowned for its splendid architecture. The original castle was built in the 11th century after the Norman invasion of England by William the Conqueror. A notable historical occasion is the great fire in 1992 in which the building was damaged extensively. Thankfully, a huge restoration project restored the castle to its former glory. I could tell you all of the historical points and facts about Windsor, but in all honesty; Wikipedia has this covered. The girls were more interested in visiting Windsor Castle than I was, they love ‘all things royal’!

Windsor Castle; majestic and proud

Windsor Castle; a home fit for Royalty

THE LONG WALKIES

Having Rosie with us we weren’t allowed into Windsor Castle grounds and had to settle for the park and The Long Walk. I left the ‘Long Walk’ to Mummy and the girls. Deer can often be spotted roaming freely through the park, but sadly not on this occasion. Rosie was allowed off her leash to stretch her legs and run around the park with Lily-Belle and Matilda. The gardens are beautiful, and from Snowy Hill, the views of Windsor Castle are glorious and unobstructed above the tree line. It’s thirsty work taking photos. Beside the entrance to Windsor Park is The Two Brewers, the perfect compact pub to stop for a glass of bubbly and juice for the little ladies. Very welcome and a chance to sit, relax and enjoy the glorious sunshine.

Magnificent Windsor Castle in the heart of Windsor

Taking a stroll in the gardens of Windsor Great Park

Champagne and sunshine. at the Two Brewers Windsor

O2 CUSTOMER SERVICE AT ITS VERY BEST

Mid holiday Mummy’s phone decided it didn’t want to cooperate any longer, dead…RIP Samsung Galaxy! Needing a phone for photos, Mummy popped into the O2 shop in Windsor. After a lengthy chat about paying bills, deals, phone options, WiFi and dongles; Mummy chose a brand new Huawei Pro P30, mainly for the superior camera. Extremely thankful to Ruari (Assistant) and Gerry (General Manager) we dropped in a box of Krispy Kreme donuts. Perfect accompaniment to enjoy with an afternoon cuppa. Ruari transferred Mummy’s contacts from her old phone to her shiny new phone. The service we received at the O2 shop in Windsor was second to none! Lily-Belle and Matilda took the opportunity to write postcards for sending home. The girls LOVE sending postcards to their schools when we’re away travelling.

Only one thing beats eating a Krispy Kreme donut…eating two Krispy Kreme donuts!

Sending postcards home with love

MAMMA MIMI, HERE I GO AGAIN

Armed with her Huawei P30 Pro Mummy couldn’t wait to start taking photos! Having spent so long in the O2 shop evening was upon us. With recommendations from the guys at O2, we crossed the street to dine at Kokoro; a Japanese diner-takeaway. Outside, we spied a lady out walking with her dog, Bella. Just to say, we needed ‘dog poop bags, Mimi had dog poop bags! A chance meeting with a delightfully charming young lady; Omayma (aka Mimi). Mimi is half Egyptian – half Italian and was in Windsor visiting her ماما (mamma). We spent an hour or so chatting with Mimi about dogs, health, travel, culture and could happily have spent many more hours in her company. Incidentally, Mimi also happens to live in our favourite country, Italy. I’m fairly certain our paths will cross again in the future. When we travel we always meet lovely people…blessed!

Matilda, bonding with and feeding Bella in WIndsor

SUSHI SIT IN

Kokoro, which translates as ‘heart and soul’ is located on Peascod Street in Windsor. With options of sit-in, takeaway or restaurant we opted to take the weight off our feet and sit-in. Matilda wanted noodles and only noodles! No matter how much we tried to persuade her to sample other Asian delights, she was having none of it! Lily-Belle was more adventurous and chose a sushi selection compete with hot wasabi! I had dumplings, sushi, miso soup and chicken in chilli sauce, Mummy scoffed fried chicken and rice with curry sauce. As a side we shared crispy spring rolls. Food was excellent as was the service.

Sushi selection from Kokoro in Windsor

JUST PLANE CRAZY

Walking back to our Crusader cruiser we stopped on Windsor Town Bridge to admire the stunning sunset. Windsor Town Bridge is an iconic iron and granite arch bridge that spans over the River Thames between the towns of Windsor and Eton. Planes fly overhead passing at an alarming rate of one every 48 seconds and you can see a steady line of planes heading for Heathrow Airport. Swans and ducks fly by our heads, always seeming to head toward a collision yet managing to turn before impact. The River Thames in Windsor is a bustling tourist hot spot and the river is alive with boat activity. On the boat, Matilda turned her hand to entertaining us with a little impromptu rapping. Honestly, we’ve never laughed as much in our lives! Bellyache and tears flowing down our cheeks. Hilarious!

A beautiful fiery orange sunset on the River Thames

A view of Windsor from the bank of The River Thames

BOATS AND BUZZARDS

After a peaceful overnight stay in Windsor, which cost £10 to moor per night; the time to make our way back upstream had come. A long walk for Rosie, swan feeding for the girls and cruising along, Windsor Castle soon disappeared from view. The River Thames is a beautiful place to relax, take in the scenic landscape and simply while away the hours doing nothing on a Le Boat cruiser. For the next few hours we sat on the top deck and watched peregrine falcons, red kites, buzzards, goshawks and other birds soar effortlessly in the sky. One thing to note about the River Thames is its abundant wildlife, if this tells us just one thing it’s that the River Thames has a thriving ecosystem. Our first boating holiday and we were thoroughly enjoying every moment on the Crusader.

Red Kite above the River Thames

Grey heron on the bank of the River Thames

Red Kite flying high above the River Thames

A BOUNTIFUL BOWL OF SAUSAGES

Located in Cookham is a riverside pub called The Bounty. With easy mooring, al fresco dining and a children’s play area, we dropped by for a spot of lunch, oh, almost forgot, The Bounty is also very dog friendly. The Bounty is only open during the summer months. Profits from sales are put into the running of an orphanage in Africa, which is owned by the pub proprietors. The Bounty is a great ale house full of character where everyone is made to feel very welcome by the friendly staff. And in all honesty, top notch food at a reasonable price, and we even bought sausage bites for Rosie at £2 per bowl! Lily-Belle and Matilda thoroughly enjoyed playing in the small play area. Ice creams purchased we embarked our boat.

Daily doggie specials for your pampered pooch

The Bounty…proud to be British

Awww, c’mon…lthey must ve cool enough to eat by now

SILENCE IS ALWAYS GOLDEN, SOMETIMES IT’S SHATTERED

A little upstream from The Bounty is the beautiful and well kept Marlow Lock. On the approach the peace was shattered by loud screaming and shouting. Very loud screaming and shouting! A school tour from Belgium. On the riverbank a teacher was screaming at the school children for what appeared to be no apparent reason! Our plan to stop at Marlow was thwarted as we drew closer to the mooring point and heard the same screaming and shouting. Moored on the bank was 6 boats all with Belgian teachers and children…no space for us, we moved on! Light was fading and journey time to Henley-on-Thames was around 2 hours, not including lock time! This part of the journey was going to be tight! Would we make it before dark?

Beautiful Marlow on the River Thames

Marlow to London to Oxford…wear good walking shoes

TAKEAWAY ON THE THAMES

Sailing into Henley-on-Thames the sunset was spectacular, and as quick as the sun began to set; it was soon pitch black. Mooring using the Henley Rowing Club boat house lights was simple enough though. No sooner had we moored, a small boat pulled starboard. I honestly thought we were going to be moved on, but thankfully not. The boat had stopped to collect our mooring fee of £10 for the night. And r-e-l-a-x…a glass of vino for Mummy and I, and juice for the girls. Indian takeaway ordered from Café le Raj which was just 5 minutes from our mooring point. Lovely Indian food and very reasonably priced considering we were in Henley-on-Thames. Board games and more rapping from Matilda ended our night early, we were all exhausted and in need of a good night’s sleep.

Sailing into the sunset aboard Le Boat Crusader in Henley-on-Thames

STRAWBERRIES AND CREAM, YES PLEASE

Morning time arrived all too quickly. We had moored our Le Boat Crusader beside where they were setting up for the famous Henley Regatta which takes place in July. After breakfast on board, a gentle stroll into Henley town to pick up pressies. Mummy called into a supermarket for strawberries and champagne, well…we are in Henley-on-Thames, it’d be rude not too! Brunch on the top deck of our Crusader and we set sail to try and get as close to Benson as possible. The sun was out but sadly the temperature failed to get above 12°C. Feeling the cold Lily-Belle and Matilda stayed in the cabin for most of the day; only surfacing to feed swans and ducks. I steered the boat and watched the many rowers pass by on the River Thames. Once again, we moored in Goring.

Sign on Henley Bridge on the River Thames

Champagne and strawberries on board the Le Boat Crusader in Henley-on-Thames

HELPFUL TIP FOR A FISH AND CHIP

Mark from Harleyford Marina advised us to get fish and chips from a local pub in Goring, John Barleycorn; on our return trip. In all honesty we are spoilt in Northern Ireland for fish and chips. Just a few short miles away from our home is Joe 90’s; an award winning chippy. The best fish supper you’ll ever taste! Still, we gave John Barleycorn our custom and of course, took a cheeky drink at the bar! Back at the boat we enjoyed our John Barleycorn crispy fish with tartar sauce, chips and mushy peas. Ok, the food was pretty good, but as I said…Northern Ireland…Joe 90’s…spoilt rotten. I needn’t say anymore! After our evening meal, we began the laborious task of packing ready for our arrival at Le Boat Benson the following morning. And we also had to clean the boat and scrub the decks!

John Barleycorn pub in Goring on the River Thaames

BYE BYE LE BOAT BENSON

Goring Lock to Benson Lock, excluding lock time; is around 1 hour 30 minutes cruising at 7-8 km/h. Bearing in mind we were also travelling against the flow of the River Thames. In Goring we packed, cleaned and had the boat ship-shape ready to hand it back to Le Boat. On our final morning we set a course for Le Boat Benson. Our boat pulled up in Benson at 09:30 and that was it, our cruising adventure was over. Slavek and Lucy met us dockside and we gave them each a small token of our appreciation, a full bodied Red Wine for Slavek (to drink with his kebabs, Slavek likes kebabs) and Flowers and Prosecco for Lucy. Our evening ferry with Stena Line was at 20:15 so we found a small cosy café in Benson, Country Kitchen; to eat brunch and contemplate our day.

Time to say goodbye to Le Boat Benson

Now, here’s how we learned our bow from our stern, and our port from our starboard:

Bow – when you bow your head, you bow forward, therefore the bow is the front,

Stern – steering minus a letter or three, boats steer from the back (rudder), therefore the stern is the back,

Port – has 4 letters so does the word LEFT, and port (the drink) is red, which is the colour of the light on the left side of the boat, therefore port side is the left,

Starboard – had nothing for this one, so take our word for it, starboard is the right.

WOULD WE GO BACK?

Before you could batten down the hatches, we’d be rockin’ the boat! We had so much fun cruising the River Thames on a Le Boat Crusader. The scenery is spectacular and the abundant wildlife held us captive for the whole journey. As first-time cruisers we can honestly say we had a blast. River cruising is not as relaxing as we thought it would be and in fact, at times, it was pretty hard. Enjoyable nonetheless. If you haven’t tried river cruising before, you should. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised at how much fun river cruising is!

With a very special THANK YOU to (in no particular order):

Le Boat – for your exceptional generosity,

Rachel Gifford (Le Boat Marketing Manager UK and Ireland) – for organising our Le Boat holiday and for your great communications throughout,

Lucy and Slavek (Le Boat Benson) – for your very warm welcome, guidance and banter,

Jillian Frew (Duffy Rafferty Communications Account Executive) – for organising our Stena Line Superfast X return ferry crossing with Rosie (woof),

Sid – for taking the time out of your busy day to chat with us and share your local knowledge,

Bertrand (Cafe Rouge) – for making us feel very welcome and for a hearty breakfast with Cognac,

Ruari and Gerry (O2 Windsor) – for your patience and for getting Mummy sorted with her new phone,

Mimi – for giving us a poop bag, and for sharing your personal story, t’was a real pleasure to meet you,

Tim and Mark (Harleyford Marina) – for allowing our late arrival, and for the helpful hints and tips for our Thames River cruise,

River Agency and Lock Keepers – Tim, Nick, Andy and the lock keepers whose names we forgot to take (sorry) – for the fantastic work you do in keeping the River Thames running smoothly.

We are extremely grateful and feel blessed to have met each and every one of you. Looking forward to returning to the River Thames in the future, until then…taisteal sábháilte!

LILY-BELLE SAYS (10)

The boat was much bigger than I thought it would be and I enjoyed taking a turn to steer. I’ve never seen so many swans in one place (Windsor) so it was good throwing food pellets and attracting them to the boat. I didn’t like the boat at night because it was really cold. Great holiday and I hope we do another cruise in the future!

MATILDA SAYS (4)

I just loved taking Rosie on holiday with us. And it was really cool that Rosie could go into the café’s and eat doggy biscuits. The playground was lots of fun and I liked seeing giraffes in the gardens.

Travel Itinerary

Le Boat: visit Le Boat online for boat hire pricing (damage waiver and fuel deposits are required) Route: Benson to Windsor return Date(s) of visit: 6th – 13th April 2019 Mooring costs: £10 public moorings and £30 Harleyford Marina River Thames guide: full edition pdf

If you would like to:

Work With Us | Obtain Further Information | Receive Our Media Pack Please GET IN TOUCH

PIN IT

Information, currency and prices are correct at the time of publishing. Views, opinions and experiences are that of The Callaghan Posse and are correct at the time of publication. Photos, unless credited, are taken by The Callaghan Posse for use and distribution by Around The World In 18 Years. Images and content may not be used or copied (private or commercial) without obtaining prior permission.

[Disclaimer: Stena Superfast X return crossing was gifted by Stena Line and Crusader boat was gifted by Le Boat. Gifted items were provided in return for social media and blog coverage]

SOCIAL MEDIA

Don’t miss out on our future BLOG posts, Sign Up To Our FREE Newsletter or connect with us on:

SHARING IS CARING

If you enjoyed reading our BLOG post, please feel free to share it using the SOCIAL MEDIA ICONS below.

RIVER THAMES CRUISE WITH LE BOAT Stretching 346 km (215 miles) the River Thames is the UK's second longest river, River Severn is the first.

#Benson #Le Boat #Stena Line #Thames River Cruise #Windsor Castle

0 notes

ellymackay · 6 years

Text

July Fourth: Fun, But Not So Sleep Friendly

July Fourth: Fun, But Not So Sleep Friendly is courtesy of EllyMackay.com

Here’s how to protect your sleep on noisy nights

For Independence Day, my family and I get together with a great group of friends for dinner, then head to the beach to watch the fireworks. Fourth of July is a lot of fun for us here in Southern California. But it’s not exactly the sleep-friendliest holiday of the year. The loud noises of fireworks and partying late into the night can keep kids and adults (not to mention those anxious pets) awake.Although, I am pretty sure my bulldog can sleep through anything!.

Especially on a year like this, when the holiday falls right in the middle of the week a lot of people may need to get up for work the next morning, July 5 may arrive with a lot of sleep-deprived, over-tired folks.

With cracking and popping of fireworks fast on the way, this seems like a good time to talk about the most common noises that interfere with sleep—and how you can address them, so you and your family get the rest you need.

Why one night of poor sleep matters

I can just hear people saying, so what? Maybe I won’t sleep well on the 4th, but what’s the big deal? It’s just one night.

More and more, we’re seeing evidence of just how big an impact even a single night of poor sleep really is. Recent research shows that one bad night of sleep can:

Negatively affect heart health, increasing heart rate and blood pressure

Elevate stress hormone cortisol

Disrupt the body’s circadian clock, throwing your sleep-wake cycle off-course, and causing negative changes to metabolism, appetite, immune function

Increase blood sugar and reduce insulin sensitivity

Put you at greater risk for accident and injury

New research also shows that a single night of poor sleep elevates levels of a brain protein that is involved in Alzheimer’s disease.

One of the biggest misconceptions about sleep out there is that it’s only clinical sleep disorders and long-term, chronic sleep problems that are harmful to health. As the research above suggests, short-term sleep deprivation—as little as one night—can hurt.

I’m not suggesting there’s reason to panic over the occasional night of lousy sleep. They happen to all of us, myself included. But it’s always important and worthwhile to set yourself up as best you can to sleep well, each and every night.

With that in mind, let’s take a look at some of the most common types of noise that interfere with sleep.

SUDDEN, ABRUPT LOUD NOISES. Whether it’s fireworks on the 4th (or New Year’s Eve), a blaring siren on a typically quiet street, or a loud clap of thunder, these types of sharp, intense, quiet-shattering noises are the kinds that often rouse us from rest. Tomorrow’s burst of late-night fireworks is especially likely to wake you if you’re in the lighter stages of sleep. But we’re vulnerable to waking from loud noise in all of the sleep stages, including both non-REM deep sleep and REM sleep. And remember how sleep cycles work: we pass through all five stages of sleep—the lighter and deeper stages of non-REM sleep (sleep stages 1-4) and REM sleep, in each full sleep cycle we complete during the night. (A typical 7- to 8-hour night of rest includes 4-5 full sleep cycles.) That means throughout the night you’re moving through lighter sleep stages, when you’re especially vulnerable to the sleep disrupting effects of noise.

There’s evidence that some people are better able to withstand noise during sleep, depending on the individual activity of their brain waves. Research shows some people’s brains generate more of a specific type of brain activity—known as sleep spindles—during the lighter stages of sleep. People whose brains produce more sleep spindles during stage 2 sleep are less likely to be awakened by noises during this stage of light sleep, according to research. Sleep spindles appear to be something of a biological buffer against noise disruption during sleep.

WHAT YOU CAN DO: On nights like July 4, and on any nights when you’re apt to be awakened by intrusive noise, introducing sleep-friendly sounds to your bedroom environment can help buffer you from those other, unwelcome sounds. Whether it’s nature sounds or a form of white noise or pink noise, these intentional sounds create a steady noise environment less likely to be disrupted by abrupt and variable noises coming from elsewhere—but still give you the ability to hear important sounds, like a smoke alarm or a baby crying. My favorite sleep system, the iHome Zenergy, gives you the choice among white noise and different nature sounds, along with sleep-promoting light therapy and aromatherapy, all of which can be especially helpful on hard-to-fall-asleep nights like the 4th.

SNORING. This sleep-stealing sound doesn’t discriminate between holiday and non-holiday nights. But it is one of the most sleep-interrupting noises in the bedroom. Snoring is a sleep problem that a lot of people try to ignore, or just live with. Snoring is detrimental both to snorers themselves and to bed partners who are often kept awake by the noise. With an estimated 90 million Americans snoring—and about 37 million snoring regularly—that’s a lot of noisy bedrooms and sleep-deprived nights, for snorers and their bedmates. For bed partners of snorers, every night can be a bit like the Fourth of July, with lots of loud booms and pops coming from the other side of the bed.

WHAT YOU CAN DO: Snoring is always a sleep issue that needs attention, including a conversation with your doctor. While snoring doesn’t always signal the presence of obstructive sleep apnea, roughly half of people who snore loudly are estimated to have sleep apnea. Left untreated, sleep apnea raises risks for cardiovascular disease, metabolic diseases including obesity and diabetes, depression and risks for injury and accident.

Bed partners of snorers face some of the same health risks as snorers themselves, because of their regularly interrupted sleep. They’re at significant risk for daytime fatigue, compromised performance and safety. People who sleep with snorers are also at risk for hearing loss, because of the close and chronic exposure to snoring noise. And there are often relationship problems that transpire between partners as a result of snoring: frustration and fatigue related to snoring often create tension, resentment and emotional distance between partners. It’s not exactly news that couples choosing to sleep in separate beds is on the rise—and snoring is the most common reason I see couples making this choice.

But sleeping apart isn’t the only choice. And it’s likely not the best choice if separate sleeping spaces means that the underlying sleep issue of snoring doesn’t get the attention it needs. To learn more about how snoring is affecting your sleep, take my snoring quiz. For my full rundown on snoring and ways you can fix a snoring problem, read this. One option I want to single out here: I been tremendously impressed with how well the oral appliance Zyppah is at reducing or eliminating snoring. I recommend it constantly to my patients, and I’ve seen it deliver excellent results. Talking with your doctor—or getting your partner to talk with their doctor—is another critical step toward ending the noise problem and addressing the root causes of snoring. In particular, people who snore chronically and loudly should share this information with their physician and ask to be evaluated for obstructive sleep apnea.

Bottom line? Snoring is a noisy problem that is hazardous for both people in bed, and for their relationship. It should never be ignored.

PETS IN BED. If you’ve got a dog in your household, Fourth of July is probably their least favorite night of the year. Our dogs crawl to the farthest spot under our bed to wait out the fireworks. An anxious, pacing, whining pet might keep you up late this Independence Day. A lot of us sleep with our pets, and that can create noise and activity that poses problems for sleep.

Pets are just as likely to snore as human bedmates. They’re also up and moving around throughout the night, grooming themselves and, if you’ve got multiple pets, probably jockeying for the prime spot in bed—usually right next to you. All this activity creates noise and motion that may pull you out of sleep.

WHAT YOU CAN DO: I’m an animal lover, and our family’s pets are truly part of the family. So I understand the inclination to sleep with these sweet creatures. Research indicates that about half of dog and cat owners sleep with their pets. For many pet owners, co-sleeping with animals is a bonding experience, and a habit that provides emotional comfort. These emotional and psychological attachments shouldn’t be taken lightly or trivialized.

And still, pets bring noise and activity to bed, along with allergens (think: dirt, hair, mites, fleas, and other tiny, unwelcome critters). All of this is capable of disturbing your sleep. Every sleeper is different, and so is every pet. There’s no one-size-fits-all prescription for co-sleeping with animals. If you sleep with animals in your bed and you don’t sleep well on a routine, nightly basis, it is time to look at making some changes to your sleep arrangements.

Depending on your individual circumstances, health, and sleep patterns, you may not need to banish pets from the bedroom altogether. A 2017 study conducted by scientists at the Mayo Clinic showed that people who slept with their dogs in their bedroom—but not on the bed itself—were able to maintain a healthy sleep efficiency. Researchers found that the presence of dogs on the bed lowered sleep efficiency, creating more disrupted, less refreshing sleep.

One important thing to note: the people included in this study were healthy adults with no sleep disorders. If you’re coping with health issues or chronic sleep problems like insomnia or restless leg syndrome, having pets in your bedroom might still be too much noise disruption.

On the other hand, if you sleep with your animals and have good restful sleep, then don’t give it a second thought!

TV NOISE. In an ideal world, none of us would have televisions or any other electronics in our bedrooms. But we live in the real world, where it’s estimated that nearly two-thirds of us fall asleep regularly to the sights and sounds of television. So, I’m going to give you real-world advice on this issue.

If having the TV on helps you relax and settle into sleep, that’s okay. It’s not so much the noise (and light) in this pre-sleep timeframe that’s problematic. But when the TV drones on late into the night, after you’ve fallen asleep, that relentless and constantly changing noise will wake you. Even if these awakenings are so brief you don’t remember them, they’re happening. And they’re taking you out of your normal sleep stages, pulling you repeatedly back into lighter sleep.

WHAT YOU CAN DO: It’s actually pretty simple to manage this issue so you can protect the quality of your sleep without giving up a pre-sleep TV ritual. First, a no-brainer: keep the volume down. Most important? Set the timer on your television, so that it automatically shuts off shortly after the time you typically drift off to sleep. And while we’re on the subject of TV, make sure your screen is positioned at a distance, so you’re not getting a face full of screen light while you’re in bed. Take the brightness down, and take advantage of the evening blue-light blocking filters many TVs now have—or invest in a screen-covering filter that blocks blue light for your bedroom television.

ENVIRONMENTAL NOISE. This category of sleep-disrupting noise is both broad and pervasive. Environmental noise is the accumulation of sound in our surroundings. It includes everything from car traffic to airplanes overhead, neighbors hanging out on their porch and people congregating in public spaces, car alarms, church bells, and construction sounds.

Environmental noise is in many ways the most difficult sleep-disrupting noise to address. You control the sounds that emanate inside your home. None of us individually have much control at all over the noise of our larger surroundings. (We all can advocate for noise-reducing practices and regulations in our communities, however.)

We’re increasingly attuned to light pollution and the need to reduce it in order to protect public health and sleep. We need to pay the same rigorous attention to noise pollution. Environmental noise can create a range of problems for sleep. In the short-term, a poor night of sleep resulting from a noisy environment leads to daytime fatigue, low mood, difficulty concentrating and other cognitive impairments. And, as I described earlier, even a single night of poor sleep is linked to heart problems, accident risk, and other negative health markers. There’s emerging research suggesting that over the long-term, the effects of environmental noise on sleep are directly linked to higher risks for cardiovascular disease and stroke.

WHAT YOU CAN DO: To effectively protect yourself from the harm environmental noise can do to sleep, you need to use all the tools available to you. Curtains and rugs help absorb noise as it filters to your bedroom. Earplugs can significantly reduce the impact of environmental noise. If you suffer from tinnitus, however, you shouldn’t sleep with earplugs. Read my recent look at the relationship of tinnitus and sleep, here. Introducing continuous, sleep-friendly noise, with the iHome Zenergy or another sleep system, can help block the unwanted sounds.

There’s also evidence that using sleep-promoting supplements can help. Recent research indicates that melatonin may help improve sleep quality in a noisy environment. The study compared the effects of melatonin to eye masks and earplugs in a group of people sleeping in a simulation of a hospital’s intensive care unit—typically a noisy, bright environment. The study found supplemental melatonin improved melatonin levels and sleep quality, and did a better job at boosting both than either ear plugs or eye masks.

Go ahead and enjoy the sights and sounds of Independence Day, and cap off the celebrations with a great night of sleep, protected from whatever noises are in the air.

Sweet Dreams,

Michael J. Breus, PhD, DABSM

The Sleep Doctor

www.thesleepdoctor.com

The post July Fourth: Fun, But Not So Sleep Friendly appeared first on Your Guide to Better Sleep.

from Your Guide to Better Sleep https://www.thesleepdoctor.com/2018/07/03/july-fourth-fun-but-not-so-sleep-friendly/

from Elly Mackay - Feed https://www.ellymackay.com/2018/07/03/july-fourth-fun-but-not-so-sleep-friendly/

0 notes

thomasalwyndavis · 6 years

Text

July Fourth: Fun, But Not So Sleep Friendly

July Fourth: Fun, But Not So Sleep Friendly was first published to https://thomasalwyndavis.com/

Here’s how to protect your sleep on noisy nights

Why one night of poor sleep matters

I can just hear people saying, so what? Maybe I won’t sleep well on the 4th, but what’s the big deal? It’s just one night.

More and more, we’re seeing evidence of just how big an impact even a single night of poor sleep really is. Recent research shows that one bad night of sleep can:

Negatively affect heart health, increasing heart rate and blood pressure

Elevate stress hormone cortisol

Disrupt the body’s circadian clock, throwing your sleep-wake cycle off-course, and causing negative changes to metabolism, appetite, immune function

Increase blood sugar and reduce insulin sensitivity

Put you at greater risk for accident and injury

New research also shows that a single night of poor sleep elevates levels of a brain protein that is involved in Alzheimer’s disease.

With that in mind, let’s take a look at some of the most common types of noise that interfere with sleep.

Bottom line? Snoring is a noisy problem that is hazardous for both people in bed, and for their relationship. It should never be ignored.

On the other hand, if you sleep with your animals and have good restful sleep, then don’t give it a second thought!

Go ahead and enjoy the sights and sounds of Independence Day, and cap off the celebrations with a great night of sleep, protected from whatever noises are in the air.

Sweet Dreams,

Michael J. Breus, PhD, DABSM

The Sleep Doctor

www.thesleepdoctor.com

The post July Fourth: Fun, But Not So Sleep Friendly appeared first on Your Guide to Better Sleep.

from Blog | Your Guide to Better Sleep https://www.thesleepdoctor.com/2018/07/03/july-fourth-fun-but-not-so-sleep-friendly/

from Thomas Alwyn Davis - Feed https://thomasalwyndavis.com/july-fourth-fun-but-not-so-sleep-friendly/

0 notes

myupdatesystems-blog · 7 years

Text

Labour - Honest & Beautiful

New Post has been published on https://myupdatesystems.com/labour-honest-beautiful/

Labour - Honest & Beautiful

Labour – Honest & Beautiful

I’d had a pretty horrific pregnancy that I just coped with at the time because like many women do, you just have to get on with it and think forward and not dwell on what might or could be.

I had a show on Saturday afternoon and all at once the anticipation, excitement, and terror erupted inside me like a volcano. Things were happening! I’d never let myself truly believe we would get this far and now suddenly my baby boy was ready to make his journey into the world.

My contractions started at around 15 minutes apart, I remember thinking “hey this isn’t too bad” how naive I was! This was just the start of course! By bedtime my contractions were still regular, they hadn’t died off but I tried to go to sleep as lots of people had said to try and sleep through the early stage. I tried but there was no way I was going to sleep with all that going on! I let my partner sleep and went downstairs promising to wake him if anything happened. I settled in for the night, sitting watching telly, reading, walking, stretching all the while religiously jotting down my contractions and the time between them.

By Sunday morning, although I hadn’t slept since Friday night I didn’t feel that tired. Adrenaline had kicked in and what a wonderful, powerful, natural resource us humans harbor! The contractions were coming every 8-10 minutes until early afternoon when they dropped down to between 5-6 minutes apart. I was struggling with the pain by now, but of course, as a first-time mom, I had no yardstick to measure the pain level against, so we called the hospital and the midwife asked to speak to me. I could talk so she insisted I was fine and that I had a way to go yet as I could still hold a conversation! I remember coming off the phone and thinking “I must be a complete wimp, I don’t think I can take much more”, but of course I did, much, much more.

More endless hours passed, I had been using a Tens machine and this was now ramped up pretty high. I’d say that the Tens didn’t really help with the pain, it gave me something else to focus on other than the pain. Warm baths were had aplenty, packing every inch of the house became a forte, and I had the best-packed hospital bag to be seen for miles around!

The midwife came out to see us Sunday evening and gave me an examination, but I was just a measly 1.5cm dilated. They weren’t taking me anywhere, it was more time at home for me and my partner!

On Monday morning I was at the chewing the mantle stage so the midwife came out and examined me again, but I still wasn’t dilating, so I had to stay home. By this point I was getting pretty stressed out with the pain being unbearable and deep down I knew something must be wrong. The midwife insisted she couldn’t take me in as I wasn’t dilated so she sat with me at home for nearly 5 hours just trying to talk me through my contractions, which were now 3-4 minutes apart.

Eventually at 6ish that night she said I was more or less there and we could leave the hospital. I cannot begin to fully describe the relief that flooded my being at that moment in time. I was going to the hospital, they were going to get rid of the pain, and I was going to meet my beautiful son.

With everything going on we had completely forgotten that our football team was playing at home that evening and we got stuck in all the football traffic on the way to the hospital! I must have looked like a mad woman to all those fans walking and weaving in between all the stuck cars! So far, my labor was not everything I thought it would be…it was much worse!

When we made it to the hospital I got gas and air and for a short time my mood took a change for the better, this was brilliant, I barely felt a thing, and I was laughing! I felt renewed, I felt for the first time in 12 hours that I could actually do this! Then the gas and air stopped taking effect, my contractions were ramping up to a whole new level and I was on a train I desperately wanted to get off at the next station! I had pethidine and suddenly the hours slipped by in a haze. I don’t recall much of this stage in my labor. But that’s ok, it didn’t hurt for a while.

When the pethidine started wearing off I asked for more but they couldn’t give me more, so I had gas and air again but the pethidine quickly wore off completely and I couldn’t cope with the level of pain on just gas and air so I asked for an epidural. I was told that I didn’t need an epidural because I was 8 cm dilated and I was nearly there. I was told I would want to start pushing really soon. I didn’t know any different never having had a baby so I took this advice and kept sucking like a woman demented on the gas and air. This was about half past 9.

My waters went at around 10.15pm and somewhere deep inside I found renewed hope and thought that we were really moving onwards now, I would see my baby soon! But nothing was happening. Time and time again during my labour I had a niggling thought that something wasn’t right. I just knew something was wrong. I appealed to the midwife time and time again for an epidural. Eventually, at nearly midnight, she realized things were not progressing as they should have been and so she called up to the labour ward for my epidural.

I remember being taken upstairs, it was 12 midnight, laying on the bed in the lift feeling that at last they were going to help me and my baby and all my hope was revived and relief, relief flooded through me like a huge wave, engulfing me, and I felt happy.

There was no anesthetist available to give me an epidural when we got there. I still clung on to hope. I believed that I was right where the anesthetist was now and that sometime soon they would be along to help me.

I was left on my bed in a room near a theatre. I had been hooked up to a monitor so they could trace babies heart rate. An alarm kept sounding on the machine. It was really scaring me. Nurses, doctors, they were in and out of that room filling out paperwork, collecting utensils, all of them busy, all of them interacting with one another, but I seemed completely invisible to them. I started calling out to anyone that came in the room. Some came and checked the heart rate of our baby, but most didn’t seem to want to address the fact that I was stuck on a bed, clearly exhausted, utterly desperate and in excruciating pain. At one point I nearly exploded with sheer pain, sucking on the gas and air and nothing happening. My partner noticed it was empty and called for more. I really think I am a positive person and a happy soul, but at this point, I was beyond anything positive. I was a woman possessed, a banshee, I was scared out of my mind. Not for me, for my baby boy Thomas. Why were they all just leaving me here?!

At 04.15am a consultant came to see me. I have examined again and straight away he told me that my baby was stuck and that there was no way I would ever have been able to deliver him naturally. He took me straight to the theater for an emergency c-section.

I was screaming and shouting and utterly out of control with pain, desperation, desolation. I was thrashing around, angry, shouting. I didn’t mean to, I was just beyond self-control and something more raw, natural and the animal had taken me over. The nurses were far from sympathetic. One told me that if I didn’t keep myself under control they would leave me there. Seriously? I had been going through this for 62 hours and now when I finally snapped they were waving the power they had over me and making me feel scared and even more vulnerable than I already did. It felt like they wanted me to beg them to deliver my son.

My beautiful son was lifted into the world on the 19th May 2009 at 04.50am. He didn’t cry, I was so scared, they just whisked him away. I urged my partner to go with him. He came back cradling our precious son with such a big, proud and wonderful smile on his face. I couldn’t move, I was horizontal on the operating table, thigh high to my partner and all I wanted, all I craved was to see, to hold my baby. My partner bought him down to my face level and I gazed at him, we were both crying. I couldn’t see him properly, only from the side, it wasn’t enough. I longed to hold my baby, that’s all I wanted ever.

They took our baby away. My partner went with him, this was the only relief I felt, happy that Thomas wasn’t alone, that he had daddy with him. I was sewn up and woke up in recovery. I was shaking so violently from tip to toe I couldn’t control my body. My son was lying in a cot beside me, I just cried, I just wanted to hold him so much. It didn’t seem fair, in my heart I knew this wasn’t right. I was his mother, he my child, and yet none of the medical staff had seen fit to give me the skin to skin experience when he was delivered. They had robbed me of that moment, and I would never, ever get that moment or chance again.

I held my son then, scared I would drop him as I was shaking so much. Suddenly everything fitted. This was all that mattered, me and my son together, I wanted to hold him forever and never let him go. I looked up at my partner and suddenly, everything was perfect, we were all together, we were a family at last.

Nothing had ever felt so perfect.

And now, 11 months on I have decided to embark on another huge adventure and leave my career as a production controller for the UK’s leading space company. I have launched Jiggly Bubs [http://www.babyactivitycentre.co.uk] An online store that offers quality products for mom and baby at competitive prices. We pride ourselves on offering a personal service to our customers and strive to make every shopping experience an enjoyable one.

0 notes