#so i thought why don't i distract myself from anxiety with sadness :)

[danikamariewrites]

hello, I don't want to be annoying but could you please write a Azriel angst + comfort fic? Maybe something where his mate, the reader, was in a bad mood and is very mean to Azriel, so when he leaves she thinks that he's mad and never coming back and just spirals.

Hopefully Azriel shows up later with the reader's favorite things because I can't live without a little fluff after my heart breaks into a million pieces~

Pointless Fights

Azriel x reader

A/n: hi anon! You’re not annoying at all I love hurt/comfort Az

Warnings: angst, hurt/comfort, and some anxiety

You had been avoiding Azriel all morning since you woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Some days you were irrationally angry. It was nothing in particular, your hard days built up and you felt like you deserved to be mad sometimes.

You didn’t want to take it out on Azriel, he didn’t deserve to be the victim of your bad mood. Sitting in your little library reading was the best thing to do today. Especially since it was the perfect weather for it. A rough storm had made landfall in Velaris early this morning the thunder and lightning was so loud you jolted awake.

A knock sounded from the grand wooden door. You didn’t bother with a reply Azriel entered anyway. He came to sit next to you on the couch gently running his pointer finger along your shoulder. “Hey, I just wanted to check on you. You ok?”

You only gave him an unenthusiastic hum without looking up from your book. If you had looked up you would have seen Azriel’s concerned frown. His finger stopped and rested on your shoulder before you tilted away from his touch. Azriel wasn’t hurt by you shrugging away from his touch. He was too busy wracking his brain as to why you were in a bad mood.

Nothing happened last night at dinner. Unless he completely misinterpreted the conversation you and Nesta had as friendly. Cauldron save them if you and Nesta were fighting.

“Is it ok if I sit with you?” You nod still staring down at your book. Your eyes scanning the words but not fully comprehending them. Azriel leaned back into the couch propping his feet up on the coffee table to read over reports.

You were fine with him sitting with you for a while. Until his breathing and constant sighs were starting to grate on your brain. You kept giving him glares through your lashes that he didn’t notice. Azriel clears his throat and you hit your limit with noises.

Gripping your book tight you whip your head up making Azriel look at you. “Oh my gods! You are so loud! Can you please leave me alone, I want to be by myself please.” Azriel looked taken aback, blinking a few times. Azriel rises from the couch whispering a small ‘ok’ before leaving.

After a few minutes you hear the front door of the house shut. You jump up from the couch, rushing to see if Azriel really left the house. Looking out the window next to the front door you see Azriel’s wings flapping in the distance, carrying him toward the city.

“Fuck,” your fist lightly thumps against the glass. You didn’t mean to snap at him. There was definitely a nicer way to say you wanted to be alone. You slightly started to panic as your anxious thoughts took over. What if he never came back? What if you pushed him away this time and he stops talking to you?

You started pacing around the house biting at your nails. You needed a distraction. During your mindless wandering you found yourself in the kitchen. That’s what you’ll do! Bake his favorite cookies. That fixes everything.

In the middle of your baking frenzy you shivered. Deciding you miss the feel of Azriel you head to the bedroom and slip on your favorite hoodie of his.

Over an hour later Azriel entered the house. The scent of his favorite chocolate chip cookies penetrating his nose. Walking into the kitchen he finds you sitting at the table with the cookie plated in front of you. Your leg was bouncing rapidly under the table.

You look up at him with sad, apologetic eyes pushing the plate toward him. Azriel places the shopping bags he’s holding on the table as he sits next to you. He wraps his arm around you pulling your head to rest on his shoulder, playing with your hair. Leaving a soft kiss on your head he murmurs, “What’s wrong baby? I can tell it’s been a bad day.”

You let out a long sigh relaxing into his warmth. “I’m just in a bad mood. I just feel like being mad today. I’m sorry I yelled at you Az, I didn’t mean to.” Azriel wrapped his other arm around you to pull you into a loving embrace. “It’s ok y/n, I understand I have those days too.”

You climb into Azriel’s lap and tuck your face into the side of his neck. “I made you apology cookies.” Your voice comes out muffled. His chest shakes from laughter. “I got you some stuff to cheer you up.” You pick your head up to meet his loving gaze. “Really?”

Azriel drags the bags closer and turns you so your facing the table. As he munches on a cookie you pull out the first gift, it was the newest romance book you’d been meaning to get. You look at Azriel with a surprised face and he gestures for you to keep going. New pens, sticky tabs for taking notes, and a few bookmarks. Opening the next bag you find a new oversized pink hoodie.

“I thought you’d be comfy in that while reading. And I noticed all your pens were out of ink so I thought I’d get you the fun ones.” He smiles down at you. You stand pulling him with you and tightly wrap your arms around his middle. “Thank you Azzy. I love it.”

tags: @rigelus @nyotamalfoy @auggiesolovey @bubybubsters @baybay123455 @msiecrane @aroseinvelaris @twsssmlmaa

[nokingsonlyfooles]

"Still, the effort stands almost no chance of succeeding in this Congress."

This is where we are. Politicians moving pieces around as if there is a play to be made, while knowing they will lose.

And, given the vibe check in my feed, this is where a lot of voters are too. Somehow, it will be less of a dictatorship if Communications Breakdown McGenocide staggers his way back into office. Because Democrat = Harm Reduction. PERIOD. We MUST do the ONLY THING WE CAN DO even if we KNOW that won't fix it.

I don't want to stop you. Vote your conscience. But don't vote your terrified ignorance. Stop for two seconds. Stop venting your anxiety at leftists who are just as scared as you are but dealing with it differently. Sit there with your own thoughts in your own head and sort them out. November is a long way away, you have time to think. This can't possibly be the only thing you can do.

You're gonna wake up after the election. Someone will win, someone will lose, and the Supreme Court's decision will stand - even if the amendment process continues, it will take years, so that decision will stand. You should be scared and sad no matter who's in the big chair. You should not be rooting for Biden to go full Stalin and take it out on some Republicans - a Blue dictatorship is not a win for democracy, why do I even have to say this?

So you'll be scared and sad but your life will still be there. It is very likely that the inertia will keep you safe for quite some time. Maybe your whole life - although if you've got kids, you should die worried for them. You'll need to go to work to buy food and housing. You'll have prescriptions to fill and repairs to make. You'll hafta pick out some presents for a birthday or holiday. All of that will still be there to distract you from the situation - and it will be good and important and make you feel happy and safe. Sometimes. Sometimes, you will still feel okay.

You have to decide if that is enough for you - spending down the good times you have left until they are gone, and dealing with whatever consequences as they hit. But, I promise you, there are people out there who are already unsafe and know it. There will be more and more people, maybe including your kids, who won't stop saying, "This isn't okay," because it's not. It hasn't been for a long time, but it's getting really obvious now.

And sometimes people will do things trying to fix it that intrude on the things you do to feel okay. They'll block traffic, or damage property, or yell real loud, or hurt your feelings, or even do something that gets human beings injured or killed. If you were happy for the Hong Kong protests or the Arab Spring, or the Civil Rights Movement or whatever distant protest that didn't inconvenience you, personally, now you'll have to square that up with protests that do. This will be that "glorious revolution" you don't want - your friends, neighbours and family pushing back, even when it hurts.

Even when it hurts you, because your continued emotional and even physical safety is very small, and the danger is very large.

You gotta decide if you're going to sit there and cry about your injury, and extrapolate your pain only so far as other people who want to sit still and colour within the lines like good voters, or if you want to push back too. I have no idea what pushing back will look like for you in your situation. For me, my health is in the crapper -I fled, and I'm fighting to repair myself. It's looking like the most I can do is donate money and write words no one will read - but it's not nothing. And it's not shutting people down when they mention something is wrong and voting won't fix it - which is worse than nothing.

If Biden doesn't win, it's not going to be because I betrayed him. I'm a voice in a void, with no campaign funding or right to influence his decisions. He decided he didn't want my vote a long time ago, he told me and I listened. Moderate Democrats and the corporate interests that fund them are abandoning him. They do not see an impending collapse and do not care if Trump wins. It won't make much difference to them.

Rep. Jared Golden, a moderate Democrat from Maine, argued the outcome of the election was a foregone conclusion. “While I don’t plan to vote for him, Donald Trump is going to win,” Golden said in a Bangor Daily News op-ed. “And I’m OK with that.”

I'm not OK with it. I'm not OK either way. I'm trying to repair my body enough that I can protest without being a liability, but that may not happen. If all I can do is get out of the fucking way, then I will. But I will not lay down my broken body to protect a system that wants me dead - I don't care if that scares you.

You should be scared. It's not okay. Get up. What are you going to do?

[summercourtship]

Um… hi Kyra! Be prepared bcs this will be a long one…

So, I finished KCU about four months ago, and let me just say that I think it’s a masterpiece, everything about it is perfect, one part in particular that I loved was how relatable the reader was (Believe it when I say it, it is HARD to do that, especially when you don’t know WHO is reading) I could definitely see myself doing exactly what she was doing! I loved how possessive Kylo Ren was and how he as also extremely conflicted about the reader herself, you managed to portray his turmoil really well! A part that BROKE me was when Leia was talking about how he got his soulmate phrase… Damn… you’re telling me this kid, that already thought of himself as a monster, was super happy that he HAD a soulmate, because that was a confirmation that he could be good and be loved unconditionally by someone, only to have his hopes CRUSHED when HIS MOTHER read to him what it said???!!!! DAAAANNGGG GIRL!!! You woke up and chose violence!!!!

But anyway, let’s get to the point that I wanted to get… ahem… if you’re comfortable… AND ONLY IF YOU’RE COMFORTABLE… (if not, ignore this part all together) I wanted to know if you have plans to continue it, i have been searching in your profile (stalking) for a reason why you stopped(not that i am obligated to have one!!) and the only thing i could find was that you stoped writing for KCU was bcs you felt that people wanted to end in a certain way and you didn’t (I could be wrong btw it has been a long time since I saw it) and that’s so sad! BUT I am really happy with the chapters we have! I love re-reading them! In the end you should put yourself first, if it’s not making you happy then you should not stress about it!

Also… if you don’t have any plans for it… I think it would be really cool if showed some BTS! I saw the other ask saying the same thing about STBOTDI (amazing fic btw) and i thought “hey it would be pretty neat if she did it for KCU too!” so if you’re feeling generous, feed this starving woman?

Anyway! thanks for listening to my rant! Thats all Folks

oh, kingdom come undone, my beloved. thank you so much for your kind words- it's been a while since I've looked back on KCU. I'm pretty sure I cackled when planning the part with Kylo's soulmark and the revelation about how it appeared because it's so sad lmao.

I do have plans to continue it, eventually. I want to go back and edit earlier chapters (and truly EDIT them, like overhaul level of editing) because I want to put it back on track to the vision I had for it originally. A big part of why I kinda fell out of love with writing it is because I felt like there was going to be a lot of people upset that I didn't make "Ben Solo" happen because fuck that shit, I like Kylo Ren bc he's a piece of shit who is sad sometimes not because he's an uwu soft baby who made a lil mistake.

But also, I started writing it in a really hard time- I had been dealing with extreme isolation due to both COVID and some things that happened with my friend group that ended up separating me from them (I had my family and I'm very grateful but there were months before I returned home from my college apartment because I wanted to be independent and believed it wasn't that bad and ended up just... not coping well with that, I'm afraid). I started planning KCU when I was in Pennsylvania for my grandmother's funeral and was writing it while dealing with extreme anxiety and depression combined with the struggles of being on different medications. So, while I do hold KCU in my heart and I love it, I do view it as a time capsule and know that I was writing it to distract myself from and cope with the shit I was dealing with. All of that makes it hard for me to go back to it because it feels very vulnerable, even if it doesn't come through in the text. I don't know if that makes sense.

BUT yes, I would love to one day go back, give it some TLC, and finally finish it for you all. I don't know if I have any BTS I could share right now because I really want to sit down with it and fix it, but once I'm comfortable with the state it is in, I will share.

Thank you so much. <3

[party-gilmore]

Interesting things I've noticed about (my own, obvs) gender fluidity:

Girl Mode is bi as hell. Guy Mode is always exclusively gay. I just think that's interesting. And doesn't contribute to my bi imposter syndrome at all.

Being Sleepy (not tired - the vibe of "sleepy" specifically) instantly triggers Girl Mode. Not ever once have I been a Sleepy Man, only a Sleepy Girl.

"Woman" feels weird but "Girl" feels fine, while "Man" feels fine but "Boy" feels weird??? Aunt good Uncle bad, thoughts kf Wife/Mother good Husband/Dad bad, but Brother good Sister bad??? Nephew good Niece bad??? My Boyfriend good My Girlfriend bad??? Son and Daughter both neutral??? Why???

Being Horny triggers Guy Mode. Feeling Slutty triggers Girl Mode. It's a very fine distinction, but it is there. It is strange when both hit at the same time it feels like cross the ghostbuster streams.

I'm androgynous enough that I can shift to a decent, base level of either femme or masc kind easy, but it's also frustrating because i can never be AS femme/masc as I want to be. I would almost rather be All The Way one way and have to work harder the other direction, instead of having to work hard in both.

I don't like the term non-binary for me. I am VERY binary. 93% of the time it is explicitly one or the other. The remaining 7% is the rare times both hit at once, except there's no blurring it's not like mixing blue and red into purple its more like that dress that looks both blue and white at the same time.

However using trans feels weird because sometimes I'm not. Trans feels like you have changed from one to the other but sometimes it's a change back to my agab so it's not really a change at all? That one post like "trans means anyone who doesn't 100% align with their agab" helped me get a little more comfortable with it and I'm comfy displaying like my little trans flag bead lizard but something about the WORD just doesn't sit right

This is why I love Queer. Queer queerey queer queer queer. It's the only word I've got that gets the point across but doesn't leave me feeling like i need to Explain Myself like "well okay so sometimes I'm bi but sometimes I'm gay but not in a cis way except when it is so no matter what i feel like a faker"

I got distract these arent fun facts at all their mostly anxiety spiral sad facts let me get back on the point

Long Hair actually makes me feel more masc, while Short Hair makes me feel more femme. Unless a mustache has become involved.

Absolutely fascinating that i can look at my body, my exact same naked body, and as a man feel confident and sexy but as a woman feel bloated and unattractive. Like. Can we get a femme equivalent of the Dadbod please? Or maybe relax our standards a little bit? I'm dying here

It's so much easier to talk about this shit with absolute strangers in the void than people i know, even when i know some of those people are also here in the same void reading these. It's just still easier than saying the words. Weird.

[pinkbubblr]

Letter to you

You don't like me.

I feel disgusted at myself. I feel dirty. I feel like a disappointment. A nobody. Someone who can't satisfy. Is that why you probably seek attention from others? Maybe a certain someone? It's humiliating that I am not enough.

My words mean nothing to you. It may feel good for a few seconds, but it won't be enough for you. It's embarrassing because it took a lot of courage to tell you. Maybe that's why I feel so sick. Maybe the anxiety is getting to me because I know I can't satisfy.

I am the one waiting.

I remember I asked to hang out, and you agreed. You asked me to wait half an hour. So I did. I was so excited to see you. I try distracting myself by searching for more gifts for you. I received a message 30 minutes later. You said sorry you couldn't go anymore. Apologized for making me wait. You said sorry three times. I thought you really felt bad, so I understood. I said it's okay.

It was like life repeated itself. I asked to hang out again. You agreed excitedly. You told me that you were going to take longer to get ready. I understood. I used that time to make myself look pretty for you. I waited two hours. I received a message. You apologized three times. It sounds the same. A broken record of apologies. I said it's okay. This one hurt more. I am so easy to brush off. So easy to replace. I have no significance. If you really wanted to see me, wouldn't you come up with a backup? Why couldn't we hang out at a later time? Could you at least try? You said I could hang out with someone else instead. You don't get it, do you? I wanted it to be with you. I want to spend time with you. Do you think I could easily replace you? Is that possible? I don't understand.

You decline me so easily. You miss others more than me. That is partly my fault for asking to see you so much. I guess I should stop asking. So that I can stop hurting myself in case you make me wait again. I wonder how long it would take for you to text me first. I wonder how long it will take for you to forget about me. You probably hope to see someone else's text, but get disappointed when you find out it's me. It didn't make your heart skip a beat.

You said it yourself. That I am too kind. Should I stop? I feel like being too kind has caused me more hurt.

Hear me out. It's not just because of you I feel hurt. When I was young, no one would pick me. So I changed when I grew older. I lost weight. Changed my hair. Got more confident because being too soft-spoken would not make me seen. Completely flipped because the younger me failed. Still, no one approached me. I was never asked out. No matter how much I've changed, no one asks me. What stayed the same was my kindness. It brings me nowhere.

Everyone around me seems to be finding love. Why can't I? What am I doing wrong? I am not pretty enough. I am not girly enough. I am not quiet enough. I don't smile enough. I am not enough.

I am so jealous of everyone. It feels like it is so easy for them. So easy to sin. Should I? If I do that I fail not only myself, but my family, friends, and God. But what is stopping others? They just do it as if there's no factor stopping them. I want to do that. It's unfair. Unfair that I think about others.

Do people miss me? I want you to miss me. My heart feels a bit cold. I feel cold. I should stop. I'll stop trying. It wastes your time. You're fine and happy. Why was I hoping you would be at least a bit sad. Selfish of me. I wanted you to feel a sense of longing for me. I may have been a burden. I blame myself for being annoying.

[playboynanners]

i wanna start off by telling u i am sorry!! i wanna tell u about all this crazy shit in my head, and want to open up and want to talk about my feelings but no matter what, i just cant make out the right words...? like it feels like cant properly put my thoughts and emotions into words i guess??

all i want to do right now is cry and scream and let it all out because its killing me inside. i cant take it anymore. i feel weird. i dont want to do anything. i always feel tired. i dont have any energy. a part of me broken. something is def weighing on my heart. i just feel so fucking suffocated. i feel like i am so far behind in life that i will never catch up. everyone is doing so many things with their lives. and i am just here. i really dont think i can do this its getting dark again. and im afraid. im too tired to carry on. i want MYSELF back bro is that too much to ask for? i deffff know its getting bad because even sleep and music dont help and i feel sick all the time and i just want to disappear. i really feel like there is no happy ending for me . thats why getting through the days is hard rayen i honestly from the bottom of my heart know its all for nothing. u guys are waiting for me to get over it, to finally do something with my life, and i know u guys are getting impatient. but what u guys dont know is that im already gone. i dont like who i am. there is nothing good about me. i am sick of wasting my time. i am worn out. i so fucking tired. the anxiety consumes me at times i feel like i cant breathe i cant think straight intrusive thoughts of self distraction consume my mind i am sooo fucking sick of this version of myself!!!!! im fucking tired of the poor choices i keep making. i truly believe i have hit rock bottom. this is the humblest i have ever been because my ego has nothing to be proud of. i know i knowww it is important to be gentle with myself but its also crucial to be honest. im not taking care of myself. im doing drugs, im on social media all day. i either dont eat healthy, or i dont eat at all. i dont exercise. i watch things that arent positive and go to sleep and wake up late. i am sick to my stomach as i write this. i just want to go up from here because i cant live this way anymore. i dont wanna live this way anymore. but like if you never felt like the way i do right now... the drained , depression . WORTHLESS feeling ... then u cant say shit about me "getting better starts with yourself bs" LIKE UH ? YEAH I HATE MYSELF AND DONT GIVE A FUCKKKKK ABOUT NUN SO WTF DOES THAT EVEN MEAN??? like i honestly didnt even think i would be alive at my age i thought i wouldve been dead by 20 so u can only imagine how lost i feel lol. i dont know what to do with my life and i feel like im just wasting away most days. and i dont fucking know how to fix it. maybe this is my time for me and im supposed to be enjoying it for exactly what it is? like i dunno i just know i always fucking ruin EVERYTHINGGGG . i casually sabotage all my positive relationships with negative delusions because my life doesnt feel real unless something dramatic and destructive is constantly occurring. i really want to kill whats inside of my head. i hate living like this day after day. i just want my pain to end bro . i see how everyone looks at me like i’m a burden, how they fake concern only to switch up at me the next second. i don’t want to be this way, im so lost and alone and i just don’t see the point anymore. this is the loneliest i have ever felt. i don't have a shoulder to cry on when im sad, i have got legit no one to go to. i have noooo tears left to cry dude. my heart hurts so much. my insides are burning. i dont know how to help myself. i legitimately try and i make it worse. i wanna scream all this hurt and pain out. can i just lose my memory just so i can take a break from feeling this way? im not sure how long i can handle this alone anymore all honesty .

AND i wouldnt say im "addicted" to drugs and alcohol (JUST YET lol) butttt what i hate about liking them is that once you know how that high feels and the break from reality you get from everything you will FOREVER know how good it felt and thats the problem. u can be days, months, years of being clean. but i know when you quit its gonna be hard years down the road. i would take it alllll back and not start doing any of it. it turns from "just one time trying it" to "i promise this is the last time" but all honestly i dont know how to stop or be normal in this world sober anymore.

and to sum it alllll up i just want / need someone who can hug me and tell me that im not as worthless as i think i am i feel so fucking empty sometimes and its so exhausting to feel nothing and everything at the same time.

[yanderelovlies]

✨Galaxy Anon ✨ here!

Oh viví but how could you deprive me of this privilege?! It’s too good lol!

Yea like i’m so picky on even getting something I want from the store. The most you will see me ask my mom is for food because I want a snack. I life really have to have a whole debate with myself if the item is something more I want than need if I really want it or I could live without it. So when people give me stuff I feel guilty or use it a lot so it doesn’t go to waste.

You sure? Some sound childish I guess I’m my opinion or many wouldn’t understand my perspective on things and call me one of those fans which makes me close up. If you’re sure I guess it be alright, and no worries you aren’t straightforward in a way that is disrespectful and I like your blunt on what you are saying. Maybe someone could be selling it somewhere! Was it limited edition or something?

You know if I was in your shoes I give up because dammit math is hard so I commend you for even still trying since I don’t understand algebra and my math teacher must’ve been horrified on my scores. Oh those sound fun especially evaluating people behavior and also traits. Ooh his dog? He must’ve been fun!

It’s my job now vivi! Gotta make you feel happiness with compliments!

Glad your spending your time also making time for them and showing you care. Still make sure you have some time for yourself! You deserve that much vivi! Also what did you sing?

Honestly the amount cases for death, assault in one or the other way is scary. Why do you think I’m such a hermit? Other than work I like staying at my house since I feel safe and just shit happens outside like what the hell?! It’s actually a surprise now when nothing goes horrible for once in the news. Have that pepper spray vivi and good for being safe! Good because while I’m paranoid I loving having my headphones on for music and well if I’m distracted enough I would be a easy target. Damn I need to learn self defense.

Thanks vivi! I mean those customers a little less common at least. Most are nice or you can leave them alone enough and they be cool. Unfortunately that is true since I’m just trying to work and some people are unnecessarily mean for some reason or get mad when you bother them to ask what they even want to drink like I’m just trying to get your order since you wanted to eat.

Lol come back during business hours.

Me too! Even if I'm buying it myself I'm always sitting there and complaining if I really need it or not. I usually miss out on good shit, but I always feel bad for spending mine or other people's money on stuff I don't need to survive. It weird lowkey frustrating.

I don't mind at all! I love hearing about people's fandoms and what they love about them. So throw them my way I wanna see 🥺🥺💕💕. Also, I found a shirt on aliexpress, but the original place I found no longer sells, but I'm gonna keep looking and hoping.

Honestly, I thought about it, but going back to my last job scares me more. So I'll take my chances with the math lol. Also, I've only taken one semester of those classes, but I still had a lot of fun and even learned some cool tips for helping manage anxiety.

Just you taking the time to talk to me makes me happy. It's always nice to hear from you. 🥺💕💕

We were singing all kinds of things. Musicals, their favorite songs, and some random they fell into line.

Me too! If I'm allowed I stay inside with all my favorite things where I am safe. As for the headphone thing me too I have these big ones that I take, but they are loud enough so I can just have them hang around my neck and still hear them.

It's like people these days forgot how to be kind to one another. It's sad, and I always feel bad for those who get the terrible treatment for just doing their job. I am glad they aren't frequent for you though.

[apoeticdiary]

Letter to myself about recent end of relationship.

Trying to make myself not idealize the relationship more than it was.

I am grieving the end of it but think about it this way: It was 4 months but only 6 dates. 4 months had 15 weeks pass in between. 15 weekends, he could have called you, but he only called you 6 times, and in fact, you called most of the time. Actually, you called every time, reminding him that you existed.

Yes the dates were amazing, but what more was there? Was there a strong emotional connection? Does he know about your life? Do you know about his? Yes he was dreamy in looks but did he take care of your heart? Or did he say all the wrong things to make you fall for him without being there to catch you when you fell.

Did he do anything special for you when you weren't together? Did he make you feel wanted when weeks passed between talking? Did he listen to your concerns and try to make you feel better? Did he ever make you feel wanted without you asking him if you were wanted? The answer is no.

He's a player. Since you've met him, you've been in a constant state of anxiety. He made you feel like the only girl in the world when in fact there were many other girls he failed to mention. He lied to you about no longer seeing other people. You were laid up in your room crying about him while he was out there fucking other women. You were in his neighborhood thinking about him, while there was another woman, sitting on that same couch, kissing him the way you were. You thought about him every day since you met him, sad about not hearing from him, while you weren't even crossing his mind for a second.

4 months was enough time to get attached, but now you need to let go. No answer was still an answer from him. Cut the cord. You put everything out there for him. You were open, honest, vulnerable. There was nothing you could have done differently. You did all you could and you tried your best. Love can't be this hard. Love should not cause this much stress and anxiety, and you should feel wanted at least a few times.

There were a lot of red flags that your heart was making your brain ignore. You saw only the good in him, and that says a lot about you. There were red flags though. He lied to you very easily, he never contacted you to make you feel wanted, he never went out of his way to make you feel special. He never kept promises of things he planned with you. He went weeks without communication, and if you texted him, he went days without replying- ghosting even sometimes until nothing better caught his interest for that night. He cancelled plans on you last minute and made you feel like you had to be okay with that.

You did nothing wrong. The only wrong you did was fall so hard and fast for him. And that, you will have to deal with alone. You have to work on your own attachment issues and learn how to not be so anxiously attached. You have to learn how to walk away when someone isn't respecting you the way they should. You have to know when to stop, when to cut it loose, and respect yourself more. You need to build up the self-confidence inside of you so that no man will ever crush you like he did to you.

You are a good person, and you would have been good to him. You were not wrong to believe his lies and false promises. He was wrong to do that to you. He made you feel wanted and special in the moment, when he knew he never meant any of it. I don't know how people fake it like that. I don't know why people play with the emotions of others like that and lie so much.

It hurts so much right now, I know. I hope you can get out of this. I hope this doesn't mess you up like you think it will. It's not just late nights and early mornings that hurt, it's during the day too, where you have to occupy your thoughts with something other than him. Try your hardest to distract yourself, even if your mind keeps going back to him. Take your time to heal. There's no rush to find someone new, or try to replace that void you now have in your heart. He hurt you and he is already over it- and I know that part hurts the most. He doesn't check up on you, because there's nowhere to do that. You have to physically stop yourself from ever checking up on him again. Cut all contact, delete pictures and text threads, even though I know that will be hard to do.

Please don't drive yourself crazy over this. Distract yourself. You will be okay eventually. He was never yours to keep. He had a life before you were in it. You were just a passing part of it. You went back for more and more until you finally got burnt, but maybe that's what you wanted. Maybe that's what you needed, unfortunately. You cannot keep someone that doesn't want to be kept. He has trauma he's dealing with, which is why he doesn't want to commit. He's been abandoned by many people in the past, and he has made it his goal to never attach to have someone leave again. And that's how he protects his heart. Now it is time for you to learn how to protect yours.

[soft4gguk]

hii tessa <333 if you don't mind me asking, how do you deal with anxiety (i hope you don't have any tho just curious)

hiiii <3333 I don't mind you asking at all!! also I do have it. I have it a lot! lmaoo. I think my first advice would be to go to therapy if you have access to it. it truly does help. but! even if you do go to therapy, there's so much that you do end up having to deal with on your own so I have my little list of thing i do to ease it so here u go :)

journaling. I cannot stress this enough, my journal has saved my life. I like to do morning pages, which basically means that I write three pages of uninterrupted stream of consciousness upon waking up. before screen time, before coffee, before I can even pee sometimes lol.

writing down the good and the bad and the in-between. this is an extension to journaling but my therapist tells me this all the time. sometimes I feel like only certain things are worth writing about (i.e. being very happy, being very sad) but the truth is that anxiety is a side effect of a trigger, and triggers don't always come with a warning, or even an explanation, but the more you dissect your thoughts, the more you get to know yourself and so the better you becoming at soothing yourself when faced with anxiety, panic, depression etc.

sour candy and cold showers. anything that sends a shock to your brain and distracts it lol.

but also!!! sweet treats and warm showers. self care!! anything that makes you feel like you're giving yourself time. even doing your makeup in the morning, if you do it consciously enough not just like another thing you have to do, can feel extremely loving and kind to yourself. and it distracts you from the bad and makes you focus on the good. I hope this makes sense!! I know sometimes its hard to even get out of bed, let alone do your makeup!! but if it's something you enjoy then try and remind yourself why it is you enjoy it so much when you don't have anxiety blocking you from doing it!

exercise. I HATE THAT THIS IS TRUE LOL. now listen. I've always loved running. I've always been a runner! I did track in high school, I went on runs for fun on a Saturday morning, like running was always my thing. but in the peak of my anxiety I strayed away from it so bad. I don't know why? I started going to pilates... now this is the thing. I don't hate pilates. pilates is great but it's basically strength training. and you often have to follow a class. and it used to make me so ACHY. like when I tell you I often hated being in class and doing the exercises and it never ever became like satisfactory. lmao. and I felt like it wasn't really releasing the dopamine running used to and so that's when I learned about a little thing called CORTISOL and how high intensity training can RAISE IT and make you feel EVEN MORE LETHARGIC because you're putting your body through STRESS. when I tell you I gasped. I was literally giving myself more anxiety lol. so I cancelled my pilates subscription (this was so badass and liberating) and I got a gym membership and I started walking on the treadmill (WALKING IS GREAT!!! YOU DO NOT HAVE TO RUN LET ME EMPHASIZE THIS AND MAKE IT LOUD AND CLEAR!!!) (matter of fact! walking can be even BETTER for lowering cortisol, specially if you have a uterus and crazy hormones!! lol. and it's such great exercise that helps you body and mind!!!!) and then... I started running in intervals. like I would walk for 15, run for 15, etc. and now that's my workout!! I walk/run in the gym. or outside if the heat allows!! and it's really helped. I think the reason why this helps with anxiety is because I am left alone with my thoughts, yes. but my body is releasing the famous "feel-good-hormones" everyone talks about when it comes to exercise and, you guessed it, sex! so I think happy, giddy thoughts. lol.

lists. whenever I have anxiety I make one of two lists. a gratitude list (sometimes I have anxiety because I think life is bad and that something bad is going to happen and its all bad, bad, bad) so a gratitude list helps me remember that it's not all bad. and that there's a lot of good to rejoice in. and then the second one is a to-do list (sometimes I have anxiety because I have so much to do and I get overwhelmed and feel like doing NOTHING because I don't know where to start) so a to-do list helps me get my thoughts organised. also the feeling of ticking the boxes off is so satisfying. I am driven by reward lol.

everything's going to be okay. we get so caught up in feeling bad that we often don't like to remind ourselves this because we're used to suffering. and in its discomfort, we find it comforting. but everything's going to be okay. I never know how, but all I know is that it always is.

I love you!! be kind and soft to yourself, however that looks like for you. xo <333

[kanisema-blog]

Love Bet

Chapter 14

I arrived at the restaurant, my heart pounding with a mix of anxiety and anticipation. The elegant facade and the scent of gourmet food made my stomach churn with nerves. I approached the hostess stand and took a deep breath.

"I'm here for Mr. Acherley's reservation," I said, trying to keep my voice steady.

The hostess smiled and nodded. "Of course, Ms. Ab Adham. He's waiting in the private room. Please follow me."

I followed her through the dimly lit restaurant, past tables filled with murmuring customers, until we reached a door at the back. She opened it and gestured for me to enter.

"Thank you," I said, stepping inside.

Felix was already there, sitting at the table, looking every bit the successful CEO in his tailored suit. He stood up as I entered, a smile on his face.

"Jeya, it's good to see you," he said, his voice warm.

"Hi, Felix," I replied, forcing a smile. "It's good to see you too."

We exchanged pleasantries before getting down to business. I pulled out the blueprint and laid it out on the table between us. As I explained the details, Felix listened intently, nodding and asking questions. His focus was unwavering, and it reminded me of the Felix I once knew, the one who could captivate a room with his charm and intellect.

As we discussed the project, our lunch was served. The waiter brought out plates of beautifully arranged food, but I barely tasted it. My mind was too preoccupied with the blueprint and the memories that Felix's presence stirred up.

"Jeya," Felix said suddenly, breaking the professional tone. "Do you remember when I first confessed to you?"

I looked up, taken aback by the sudden shift. "Of course," I said cautiously. "It was after our first quarter exams, at a restaurant not unlike this one."

Felix smiled wistfully. "Yes, it was. I remember being so nervous. I wasn't sure if you'd feel the same way, but I couldn't keep it to myself any longer."

I forced a laugh, trying to keep the conversation light. "You were shaking so much that you almost spilled your drink."

Felix chuckled. "Yeah, I was a mess. But you said yes, and it felt like the world was finally right."

A heavy silence settled between us, the weight of the past pressing down on us. I could feel the sadness in his voice, and it mirrored my own feelings. The memories were bittersweet, tinged with the pain of how things had ended.

"Felix," I said softly, "why are you bringing this up now?"

He sighed, his eyes searching mine. "I don't know, Jeya. Maybe I just wanted to remember a time when things were simpler, when we were happy."

I looked down at the blueprint, tracing the lines with my finger. "A lot has changed since then."

"Yes, it has," Felix agreed. "But that doesn't mean we can't remember the good times."

I nodded, feeling a lump in my throat. "I suppose you're right."

We continued our discussion about the blueprint, but the atmosphere had shifted. There was a sadness now, an unspoken acknowledgment of what we had lost. We both knew that things could never go back to the way they were, but the memories lingered, a constant reminder of what had been.

As our meeting came to an end, Felix stood up and extended his hand. "Thank you, Jeya. The blueprint looks fantastic. I have no doubt the mansion will be perfect."

"Thank you, Felix," I said, shaking his hand. "I'm glad you like it."

We exchanged polite goodbyes, and I left the restaurant, my emotions in turmoil. Driving home, I couldn't shake the feeling of sadness that had settled over me. The memories of our past were too vivid, too painful to ignore.

Back at home, I went through my usual routine, trying to distract myself from the thoughts swirling in my mind. I made dinner, washed the dishes, took a bath, and did my skincare. But nothing could stop the flood of memories.

As I lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, I thought about Felix's words. He had wanted to remember the good times, but all I could think about was the pain of losing him. The betrayal still stung, and no amount of reminiscing could change that.

I punched my pillow in frustration, wishing I could erase the past. But I knew that wasn't possible. The only thing I could do was move forward, one step at a time, and hope that someday, the pain would fade.

Eventually, I drifted into a restless sleep, my dreams haunted by memories of a love that had once been everything to me. And as I slept, I wondered if Felix felt the same way, if he too was haunted by the ghosts of our past.

[brokenheartedbabe]

I Don't Know

June 12, 2024

I'm pretty sure I just breath worked my way down from an anxiety attack.

Yesterday was your birthday, and after going back and forth about whether or not to text you, I decided to just send the message. You responded almost immediately, which kind of surprised me. I guess I wasn't expecting you to respond at all. And then you sent me another message, and a video of you and your dog.

I miss you a lot. So much actually. At this point, I'm not sure if I'm healing or just ignoring my feelings. I know I say this a lot, but I really am tired. I'm tired of being sad. I'm tired of thinking about you. I'm tired of caring about you. I wish I didn't. That may be mean, but I really wish I didn't care about you. I wish I didn't think about you every day. I wish I didn't constantly hope that you will reach out to me. I wish I didn't dream about seeing you again. I just wish I didn't feel anything for you. I want to move on so badly, but at the same time I don't.

I want a boyfriend, a partner, so badly. But I don't want just anyone. I want you. I want you so badly that when I think about not having you it sends me into a spiral. Which I why I try not to think about you at all, not that it works. I wish I could want someone else. There are plenty of good, sweet guys out there who would treat me the way I deserve. I know there are, and I know I could find them, but I just don't want to. I don't want to meet anyone new. I just want you to come back.

But it's a conundrum, because every time I talk to you it gives me so much anxiety that I feel like my heart is going to stop. And yet, I still crave you. Why? I don't understand why I can't just let you go.

I've been thinking about it. I'm pretty sure the reason I feel so much anxiety when I talk to you is because I never know when the last time is going to be. I never know if I'm going to wake up one day and find that you decided to block me out of the blue. And maybe that would be a good thing. Yes, it would hurt, but at least it would force me to let you go finally. I mean, I don't know where you live anymore, so it's not like I could hunt you down like I did last time. It would be over completely, and there would be nothing I could do about it.

Sometimes I wish I could just teleport into the future, so I could finally be at the end of this situation, hopefully. I wonder how long it will take for me to finally be over this, to be over you. I don't think we'll ever actually be together. All signs are pointing to no. I'm tired of having hope. It's too draining to keep hoping for something that seems further and further away every day.

I'm tired of everything. I wish I could go away for a while. Disappear. I sometimes imagine myself lying in a field of grass, looking up at the sky, basking in the sun. Nothing and no one around me. Feeling the wind blow across my face. I wouldn't be thinking of anything. I wouldn't be feeling anything. Nothing but peace and serenity.

Anyway, kind of got carried away there.

You said you were doing good. I said I was happy you were. You said thanks. I didn't respond. I don't have anything else to say. I don't know if you're going to send me another message. I can't imagine why you would. I don't know. You often do things that I don't understand, so I'll just try not to think about it too much. Try not to get my hopes up for anything.

I have work in about an hour. I don't want to go but it will be good for me to get out of my head. Hopefully there's a lot of paperwork or filing or something so I don't have to sit at my desk and think all day. I need a break from thinking.

That's the only time I ever actually feel okay. When I'm distracting myself. That's the only time I'm not thinking about you. Or when I'm sleeping, though I haven't been doing much of that these past few days.

I don't know. I just wish something would change. I thought getting a pet would make me happier, but it really hasn't. I still feel the same. I feel low. Numb. Empty. I feel like I'm walking around just going through the motions of life. I never really look forward to anything except getting in bed. I used to comfort myself by watching TikTok's but that's been bland too recently. Most likely because you took away all of your videos. Those were kind of like a crutch to me. I'd watch them just to see you, just to look at your face and hear your voice. But now they're gone so...

I wish something would change. I don't want to be sad anymore. I want you, of course. But I would also erase you from my memory if it meant I didn't have to feel this way anymore. And I don't even know what my feelings are for you at this point. I care about you, of course. I want to be with you. But having you in my life only hurts me. I want to let you go, but at the same time the thought of doing that makes me want to break down. I like you, maybe love (?). I don't know. Is what I'm feeling love? Or is it just obsession and limerence? I don't know. And I don't want to think about it. I want you to come back, and yet I don't because I'll have to deal with the perpetual fear that you're eventually going to leave. I've never met someone who made me feel as confused as you do. And maybe that's why I'm having so much trouble moving on. I've always been someone who needed answers.

Anyway, I have to go to work soon, so I'm going to have to get off of here. I miss you. I'm glad you're doing okay. I... don't know.

[dolmonm]

I'm really trying to enjoy the journey of having a new guy in my heart little by little, and my anxiety and fear of abandonment are making it really hard. Any time we get separated (we still live in different houses, it's very soon to think otherwise) I'm fighting the thoughts of how he will get fed up with me, or if he will get bored of me sooner or later, because I'm such a homely guy, so used to my own customs, though I enjoy trying new things with him, and that's why I don't say no when he propose them, because I know we connect in the way of having fun.

He's not the talkative kind, I still don't know if he's really that introvert or has some problems with social interactions like me. He's sweet in his own way, he makes me feel good, and loved, the silence doesn't worry me as long as I'm sure he's fine with me.

Sometimes I don't know if he already has another person in his life and I am his "permitted distraction" inside his own relationship, or if hi genuinely loves me. I always feel so insecure about myself, I'm trying so hard to be supportive, loving, give him his space to grow and do his own things. I don't want to be needy, I don't want to make him fill any void inside me, I've bitterly learned that doesn't work from my previous long relationships.

I unconsciously made my previous boyfriends sad because I didn't know I needed to work that hard in my own feelings, in all those unsolved past things I had in my heart, and I still regret it. That's why I'm trying my best to make things different now, but sometimes it's so hard and my insecurities still creep up.

So.. I'll keep trying, because I'm feeling thrilled about starting something new, about doing new things, about coming out of my old depressed and repressed self. Though I don't know how much time it will last, and I fear being heartbroken again, it cost me so much to recover from the last time, I suffered so much

[meli-r]

This is a silly writing I felt inspired to write yesterday as part of a chapter I don't have time to continue. Sorry for the lack of descriptions, I know I'm bad with them and I do too much dialogue. I needed to get this out of my mind somehow xD

*****

Yashiro glided into Shima Seigen's office, the door sliding softly as it closed behind her. The room emanated tranquility, adorned with minimalist decor that seamlessly complemented the serene atmosphere. Shima, wearing a warm and inviting smile, gestured gracefully towards a pair of plush armchairs strategically positioned across a low coffee table.

"Welcome back, Takahashi-san," Shima greeted her with a slight nod of his head. Yashiro, embracing the cultural exchange, responded with a brief yet respectful bow before settling into a chair. The armchairs, adorned with plush cushions, offered an immediate sense of comfort and relaxation.

As they eased into their respective seats, a moment of silence enveloped the room. Yashiro, with one leg elegantly crossed over the other, exuded a poised demeanor. Shima mirrored her posture, conveying professional ease. Their eyes locked, exchanging unspoken understanding, while Yashiro's gaze subtly wandered, immersing itself in the intricacies of the room's architecture.

“My understanding, based on Chief Kasei's report, is that you might have experienced an anxiety attack. Difficulty breathing, is that correct?” Shima Seigen spoke in a calm, measured tone, his voice resonating with gentle assurance. They remained seated in their comfortable chairs, their focused gazes creating a connection within the tranquil space.

“She believes it was an anxiety attack. The recent case turned out negative, and she sent me to you.”

“You disagree with the diagnosis. How are you feeling now?”

“Fine. Back at work.”

“Any insights into why it happened?”

“Stress, maybe.”

“About what?”

“Work,” she said with a shrug.

“We all face work-related stress, but not everyone stops breathing. What did you see that triggered this reaction?”

“There was a woman. She reminded me of my mother.”

“The resemblance triggered that?”

“No. It comforted me.”

“So, what do you think caused that feeling?”

“Something I heard about her and myself. But I've been handling it well.”

“Handling it? So, it's not the first time? Could you share more about your past experiences? Have you identified any patterns or common triggers?”

“I'm not sure. It was different three years ago and certainly six years ago.”

“When your parents passed away. Can you elaborate on how your experiences three and six years ago differed? How did you cope back then compared to now?"

“I don't remember much. It was a long time ago. I was occupied with school, college…”

“Work. Staying busy is a way to distract oneself from distressing feelings.”

“What feelings?”

“Sadness.”

“Everything is a distraction until we die.”

“That sounds like depression talking.”

“This feels like a waste of time for both of us,” Yashiro sighed.

“I don't see it that way. Can you pinpoint when you first noticed these emotions resurfacing?"

“It's been lingering, but it intensifies during moments of silence.”

“How have you traditionally coped? Besides staying busy, have you explored other strategies? Talked to friends?”

“I have many friends and opportunities for friendships.”

“Did you share your feelings with them?”

“Of course not,” she chuckled.

“Do you feel like expressing your thoughts is burdensome or worthless?”

“Sometimes I resent being made a victim.”

“You don't like being called a victim?”

“I don't like victimizing myself or being treated as such. I don't believe problems are solved by playing the victim.”

“You think you're not worthy of attention?”

“I prefer to keep my problems to myself.”

“Did your parents teach you that?”

“What?”

“To belittle your own suffering. Don’t you think that line of thought could have led a young girl to embrace these ideas?"

“I bring this on myself, I know.”

"No. When people come to terms with the fact that they hold the reins to their choices, deeds, and beliefs, and that mortality lurks at every corner, it can be a tidal wave of apprehension. A muted frustration surfaces, steering them towards the conviction that the only undeniable truth is the inevitability of death."

Yashiro frowned and chuckled. “You're not angry with me for lying?”

“Everyone lies to some extent, especially patients.”

“You're not like Chief Kasei.”

“We don't agree on everything.”

“Did she force you to come here?”

“No. However, I'd like to refocus on our conversation. This change in direction doesn't address what's important right now—you.”

“But I have nothing to say about myself,” Yashiro opened her right palm beside her.

“Then tell me about your father.”

“He's dead,” Yashiro’s voice echoed.

Shima watched her in silence before asking, “And how has your family been handling it?”

“What? Him?”

“Your non-relationship with your father. How do they understand it?”

“Wherever they are, it's a mystery to me, and I doubt they're losing any sleep over trying to figure it out.”

“And your mother?”

“He ruled her life.”

“But she wasn't his daughter. What did he do to you?”

“He showed his true colors, that's all. I'm glad he's dead. Not even that. I wished he'd die. I dreamed about it for years. Is that right? Wishing him dead? Does that make me a good daughter?”

“A good daughter?”

“Yes, I mean, bad children…” she waved her hand.

“Bad children what?”

“They should die. It’s a miserable thing to be a bad son. We’re supposed to be better than our creators, not a disgrace,” Yashiro narrowed her eyes and looked away.

“Your parents made it impossible for you to experience joy,” Shima observed, making her frown. “Reflecting on your past experiences, we've discussed the events from six years ago when your parents passed. However, I'm curious about what happened three years ago. Is there a particular event or change in your life during that period that you believe might have contributed to your emotional state or influenced the way you handle stress and sadness?”

Yashiro subtly shifted her posture, adjusting in the seat with quiet grace, remaining silent and contemplative, offering no response.

[galaxy-m1st]

Unaffected

Chapter 2: What are you saying?

When I was 16 my grandma passed away from old age. I was devastated, but my grandpa was heartbroken. He shut down after she died and I started to take care of him. I didn't mind taking care of him, but seeing him in this state was sad. He pretty much lived in the rocking chair in the living room. All he did was watch TV all day. I think he was just trying to distract himself.

When I was 17 and in my last year of high school something weird happened.

I woke up at six in the morning to prepare for school and make breakfast for my grandpa. As I went downstairs, I noticed that the TV was on and it was playing an English channel. I felt confused and wanted to investigate, but I didn't want to disturb my grandpa who was still asleep.

Upon entering the kitchen, I was struck by the realization that everything was in English - the rice bag, the packet of seaweed, and even the mat on the floor had English words printed on them. It was an unsettling experience, and I could feel my anxiety rising. I couldn't help but wonder if I was in some kind of dream. In an attempt to calm myself down, I decided to go about my usual routine and make breakfast. However, even the act of cooking felt surreal and I found myself waiting for something to happen, half-expecting to wake up at any moment. Despite my unease, I managed to quickly whip up breakfast and pack my lunch before heading out for the day. On my way to school, everyone was talking in English and all the signs were in English. This is a dream, it has to be. Once I arrived, guess what, everything was in English. My friends were talking to each other, so I went to talk to them. I knew a little bit of English, but there was no way I could speak it fluently.

"Hi Akari," one of my friends said to me, "How are you?"

"I was fairly certain that I understood the meaning, but I hesitated to respond in English for fear of sounding foolish. Instead, I opted to reply in Japanese with "Good, and you?" She paused briefly before bursting into laughter. "What was that?" she said in a fit of giggles. "Why are being silly, you're usually so serious?"

"What do you mean?" I said while giving her a confused look.

"Yeah, you don't usually pull this type of stuff Akari," one of my other friends "It doesn't fit you very well."

"I looked back at them with confusion. I tried to convince myself that it was just a dream, but my limited English skills made it difficult to process everything. I needed a moment to collect my thoughts, so I quickly said goodbye and speed-walked towards school."Once I made it to the classroom I took a seat in the back so I could think in peace. When class started I barely understood a word the teacher was saying. Today was going to be a long day. I made it through the day without being called on. Thank the lord above for that.

The day was long, but a blur. Hopefully, a good night's rest was all I needed. I am trying to be optimistic here. On my way home I picked up some groceries. I didn't say a word to anyone. It may seem rude, but they understand what I am going to say anyway, so it is either be rude or be judged. I would prefer not everyone look at me like I'm crazy, even though I feel like it right now.

As soon as I entered my house, bags of groceries in hand, I felt a sense of relief. I quickly put away the groceries before tending to my homework. I tried my best, but after a few minutes of attempting to complete it, I gave up. Frustrated and in need of a distraction, I picked up a sketchbook and started to draw. The sound of pencil on paper was soothing, and I lost track of time as I mindlessly sketched. It wasn't until my stomach grumbled that I realized I had been drawing for hours. With a deep sigh, I put down the sketchbook and headed to the kitchen to prepare dinner. I made something quick and easy. I gave my grandpa his dinner and ate mine. We ate in silence like usual. After I finished, I did the dishes before heading up to bed. Today was long, so I didn't mind going to bed a little early. I fell asleep pretty easily and fell into a dreamless sleep.

I woke up at six again and went downstairs hoping everything was normal again. It wasn't. The TV was still in English. I sighed and started to make breakfast. I was trying to think why this was happening. I couldn't think of a logical explanation for this. I don't know what to do now. I couldn't just tell them that everyone I knew forgot Japanese overnight. They would send me to a mental institute.

In the morning, while contemplating the possible explanations for the unexplainable scenario, I took a break to attend to my grandpa. I prepared and served him his breakfast, ensuring he had everything he needed. After that, I made my lunch for school. Once I finished, I set out to school. The walk was calming, and I enjoyed observing the sights and sounds of the neighborhood. Soon enough, I reached my school campus, feeling refreshed and ready to take on the day's challenges. To my surprise, I heard someone talking in Japanese. I ran over to the voice to find a boy with orange hair. He was yelling at his friend to stop talking in English. He continues to panic when nobody seems to understand what he is saying.

A man in a suit comes up behind him with a taser and I run towards him.

"Watch out!" I yell. He looks at me before he gets tased by the man and passes out. The man in the suit then looks at me and tells to other men to get me too. They charge at me and I do the only logical thing anyone would do in this scenario. I run. I run outside the school's walls and into the street. They are very fast and catch me in a couple of seconds. One of them holds me in place while the other approaches me with a taser, then everything is black. 

[skinni-girls-eat-books]

Saturday, January 27th, 2024!

9:09am feeling good just wanted to check in!! Slept pretty well, got 9hrs! My body keeps naturally waking up around 6/7ish but it's like why am I waking up I feel like crap? It's like my body is randomly waking up in the middle of a sleep cycle. I wonder if I am having bad dreams and just not remembering them? I never remember any of my dreams ever, like maybe twice a year. Hmmm.

Positive note! I have off today and will be attempting to go to gasparilla! I say attempting bc it can definitely be anxiety inducing after what happened last year! It was rough. But I AM RECLAIMING GASPARILLA!! It is not his or my mom's to taint/ ruin/ or color in a negative or awkward light. It is my day to paint in positive, jovial, celebratory light! It's a pirate throwdown! We all know this is the type of event where people get too drunk and get angry and start pissing contests with each other, but it's hard to do that when you're with the best company (yourself!!) Just get buzzed, not sloppy drunk, and enjoy not being at work!! I really want to adopt this attitude for all of my time off lol.

Really, the only thing I would gain from bringing people to this event is like picture opportunities? Or a DD? But I don't even want to get drunk enough to need a DD so that's not the objective at all. Safety? Truly, I have never felt unsafe doing things alone (but surrounded by hundreds of ppl like come on). Someone to hold hands/ hug if they were a partner? ...... Awkward what if they're trying to bang on the Porto potty when all I wanna do is catch beads fr bc I could totally see some shit like that happening and pissing me off. I don't like having to coordinate my ideas/ timeline/ mindset with another person or people. Guys are horndogs and high-key suck ass, wanting to leave early, just to go home and do shit nothing and the same shit they do every other day!! Relationships and friendships are work and I have enough on my plate fr. All this to say, don't be sad you're going alone! Be happy that you're going! It's the same as any other giant thing you've been to! If you see someone you know, say hi and treat them how you would want to be treated! Ask if they're being safe, have they had any water, are they having a good time, and keep it light! Or you may see nobody you know and this is 100% more likely so just go with the flow! ❤️

10:08am oops haven't moved from the couch but that is ok :) I fucking love the positivity of Tumblr it's like literally endless stream of good advice and kindness like woah. SC is toxic AF, FB is a pretty bad wormhole, and reddit can be too much like seeing similar stories but almost never following through with solutions?? Tumblr at least seems like they know how to fix their issues lol this is probably a weird rant. Also glad I got rid of IG and TT I don't miss that weird shit. Very random rant over.

I think something I am having trouble with is that so many individual instances of my pain were just swept under the rug and forgotten about by everyone else? Nobody understands all the things that built up my resentment because to everyone else they just seem like unrelated events? Like what does his brother have to do with the dog have to do with all of the other things that constantly are brought up in my mind? They were all invasions of my privacy, inability to feel comfortable in my own apartment. It feels like a crime scene in here still sometimes, not all the time, but a lot of the time? My own apartment feels abused idk if that makes any sense like this apartment feels as resilient as I do, it's seen some weird shit. I love my cats if it wasn't for them, I would feel much worse.

10:37am I am having huge problems with unwanted thoughts they are incessant and from waking up to going to sleep. Going on tumblr is a good brain distraction but I want to just be able to sit with myself or drive or do mundane tasks without unwanted thoughts popping into my head?? What do I do fr.

10:52am ok wow I have had so much to write about recently. I have thought of a new strategy. When I have intrusive thoughts about her or him just say out loud to myself, that's something I would not do/like/ enjoy. That does not sound like anything I would do. And just distance myself from them.

I would never knowingly enter another woman's home. I would never send nudes to a man I know was in a relationship. I would never accept/save nudes from another person if I was in a relationship (and thank God I never have and can stand on that shit 🙏). I would never put myself in a position to traumatize another woman. I would never put myself in a position to make another woman question everything about herself. I would never put my partner in a position to compete with other people for my attention (if it is truly a serious, monogamous relationship). I would never cheat on my partner. Period, sis???

Y'all are the worst type of people and I really don't care how you guys redeem yourselves or justify your behavior. Y'all can keep that between you both. I don't want any part of people who act this way. This is my boundary and think it's a pretty damn good one. ❤️

12:05pm wearing a crop top with no bra and feeling extremely sexy. Also drinking a mimosa and feeling like a baddie. Damn if I ever feel sad or bad about myself literally just dressing sexier will help. I stg.

4:43pm I feel so sexy and promiscuous I could literally fuck anyone RN and it feels awesome I have so much power over my body and I'm in control. Leaving the parade, going to Ybor for free shots, will probably leave when it's dark (6ish?) But damn I feel amazing AF!!

6:10pm uuurg mad bc I have nobody to have sex with............... SIKE bitch just love yourself the way you want to be loved!!!! Finna play w my vibe and wear comfy clothing and eat leftovers bc that's how I want to be treated so might as well start by treating myself that way!!!! ❤️ It takes time, good things take time, what's the rush if I want it ten/ twenty/ thirty years from now?? ❤️❤️❤️

7:54pm if me setting boundaries is hostile... Oh fucking well you don't get the nice accommodating me anymore since you decided to cross all of my boundaries previously 🙄🙄🙄🙄 fuck you, at least I have it in writing that he doesn't want to take the cats so whatever I just don't want you to break my screen door either... Sincerely a woman living alone in 2024, a fear you will never fucking know..

[ramblingsofuncertainty]

Old Entries

Ramblings

Sunday

3:15. The silence is nice. I can talk to Allah swt and I feel safe at this moment. The stillness of the night isn't stifling. I don't turn on the fan even though it's hot. I like the silence. My thoughts are quite too

7:10. I don't want to get up but I've already jumped off the bed. Need to get breakfast ready. Need to take medicine. Need to hurry hurry hurry.

9:15. Panic and dread.

11:50. Relief. Exhaustion. 

2:42. I had this really intense need to be talking about it with Saadia. Can't call her cos she's probably sleeping. And this urge might become less and then I'll make excuses to myself to not call her. But I wish we were exhausted and lying in her room ranting. Or maybe not even that. Just being quiet. She'd be watching something stupid like NCIS or suits or something and I’d be squished in her giant beanbag (territory Id claimed long ago) I remember the neck ache I got when Id been squished in it too long. Her mom would poke her head in and shake her head at us and bring us pasta. Or chicken bread! Man, I miss that chicken bread. The squishy peices of corn that would pop in your mouth and the hot buttery peppery chicken.

She knows me inside out. I don't want to burden her right now. She can't do anything about it being so far away.

I'm happy, reminiscing while writing about her, and it hasn't made me sad, in a surprising turn of events. I think my circuitry is messed up. But happy accidental serotonin is still serotonin and I'm grateful.

Monday

Didn't write the whole day. Brain feels like a fog. No emotions. I just need sleep. 

Tuesday

9.:40. Stopped to have a conversation with a squirrel. It seemed interested, but then decided it didn't have the time. Squirrel business called. And I was late for class

9:43. Needed to make a call and that was it for the day. Cue the mind haze. All the emotions all at once. And none at the same time.

Music to shut out the thoughts. Helped a bit.

P realized something was up. As much as I felt cheery and awake at the end of the day, but she knew something was off. I couldn't put a finger on it til she said it. Despite trying trying to distract myself, I still felt like there is a pulling, scratching inside. I'm craving something and I don't know what it is. Bit it's like a dull sort of scratch, like the echo of a thing

Thursday

4:57. Missed fajr. Feel like shit. Had nightmares, woke up feeling more exhausted than when I slept. I haven't been able to dream for like five or six years. But nightmares are becoming a thing now.

8.25. Tried to wake up but the day already feels exhausting and I don't want to deal with it

9:20. Fell asleep and woke up in a panic. There's so much that needs to be done. I have so much work. How can anything feel exciting when there is always anxiety and panic that's flooding my brain. 

9:55. My joy in realizing they've made eggs for breakfast today is fleeting. The eggs are burnt at the edges and dry. I still eat them, my mouth feels like what I imagine it must feel like to wake up from surgery, desperate for water. I'm being ungrateful and I dont like it. It's food. Why am I being like this?

Cant feel much today.

4:50. Decided to take a nap. Woke up in a panic again because I thought I'd slept for three hours instead of one. Body hurts and I don't want to get up. I'll procrastinate more and then the day is over and I've done nothing.

8:05. Feeling good. Found myself humming something. Surprised enough to want to write it down. I feel like I can get something done. Making tea, then getting down to work. I feel like I'm in flow. Hope this stays!

P.S. it didn't stay. Something happened and all sense of time and work and sanity was gone. (Writing this on Thursday)

Friday

I broke the streak today. I didn't want to write down anything the whole day so now I'm writing it at the end of the day. I woke up with a numbness in my body. Had nightmares again. It's getting both more difficult and easier to get up. I can't explain it.

There's this short stretch of trees lining the football field that blooms with these hanging yellow flowers that always snaps me back to the present and gives a couple of seconds of relief everyday. Today it just made me annoyed (there aren't any blooms but the walk usually is still pleasant) because I realized the absence of that relief and that is what jolted me out of my thoughts. Not the relief but the lack of it. 

Everything felt off today. It's exhausting living with myself. 

I came back and slept. I just want to sleep. Forced myself to eat. I can't work. I can't work. I can't work. I'm trying. I have class at 6am. I don't want to be. There's too much noise. Writing all these things down is making everything more concrete. It's the fig tree again. From Sylvia Plaths Bell Jar. But the roots shriveled up and wilted and the trunk is hollow too. No possibilities lying blackened at my feet. They are a distant memory, haunting  the air with a rotten smell. 

(P.S. (writing this on Saturday: I feel disconnected reading what I wrote last night. I don't want to linger on it. That person was there. So was one who was not in that state. I feel like a conduit, in this moment, reading the previous entries, they feel like versions of me that exist and existed, a product of the things happening to me at the time)

Saturday

Today I felt disconnected, outside of my body. Woke up tired again but almost mechanically, went through the motions of getting up and getting through the day. 

I'm relieved though. Beats yesterday in any case.

Saturday/Sunday:

(A summary): I did not open this up to write anything for the past two days because I was in a good place after a very long time. I passively tried to understand what triggered it but couldn't. Coming back to why I didn't write. Writing things down forces me to confront what's going on in my head and usually that untangles whatevers up there and when the thoughts become clear, they are usually not very pleasant. And so I wanted to live in denial for a little bit longer. 

Sunday

9.09: Panic again. but dull. I have to work. There might be eggs. 

11.06: Mediocrity scares me. I don't want to be a blob of nothingness. I have worlds inside of me, I have been so many me-s, they were all people with thoughts and emotions and intelligence. I feel like I have lost grip of so many of those versions of myself, and of the potential that they all had. Now everything I do feels like I am dragging myself through a thick sludge of effort, pushing pushing pushing. My head feels dull and more empty than it used to be. 

The air feels thick. Dead, no crispness in it, just a lingering heat and smell of dead grass

Monday

4:40. Unraveling. The air is nice today, feels fresh and crisp. I can smell the freshly mowed grass of the football ground as a linger on my way back

5.:15. A summary of today: Flow state. I found myself quite unexpectedly in a state of flow, like everything was aligned and I was getting things done. Things seemed to be rolling off of me, I just kept working like nothing mattered and I actually felt happy with the work I made, and when I made something not so good, it didn't stop me. It felt like I side stepped a ditch that would have pulled me in, and I was just able to brush it off so easily and move on. I felt like a person. I felt complete. Like otherwise there's always echoes of me slightly lagging or moving ahead and I'm just trying to keep track of the pieces to move together and making the effort of carrying all the scrambling, falling, scattered pieces keeps me occupied

6:20. A word out of place. And it started this echo that kept reverberating and bouncing back and forth off the walls of my mind. And it shook everything out of place. Like a tiny tremor that upsets the precarious balance that had been a happy accident. 

The crows and their noise just before maghrib remind me of Karachi and the breezy evening air, that smells like dust and sticks to your face on the sheen of oil covering your sticky skin at the end of a long day. The smell of gasoline and petrol heavy and clinging to your clothes, coming home with you

Tuesday

My thoughts are not my own. Not writing today. 

Wednesday

I like this moment. Its the end of the day and I linger going back. My walk is deliberately slow and I focus and at the same time watch without seeing, the details of the accumulated dust on the sidewalk. The cars passing by seem slow and fast at the same time, their noise amplified for some reason. The sound is grating but I cant hear it even though everything feels heightened.