#so i’m like. well ok maybe ill just use the structure of a romance more generally and then go for fairy tale tropes

[imaginarypasta]

i want to write this fairy-medieval romance au but my medieval romance knowledge extends to necrophilia and gay werewolves and just does not fit with the fairy aspect

[citrusses]

January: 2023 Wrapped 🎁🍊

*some* of my favorite 2023 fics, by month they were published (or started to publish, or finished publishing, it's arbitrary bc i make the rules), plus some thoughts on what made these fics so special.

January | February | March | April, May, June | July | August | September | October | November | December

Chicken Shop Date by @sorrybutblog (T, 2K)

Draco and Harry sit down for an interview. Or is it a date?

This is such a fun premise and the Harry/Draco banter just sizzles. The atmosphere is so rich! 2K words of perfection that pack an outsized punch.

Close Behind by @oflights (M, 134K)

To rescue Draco from the Underworld, Harry has to look forward. Unfortunately, Draco has to look back.

A masterpiece that deconstructs every relationship in the HP universe and then rebuilds it, that does mind-boggling things with narrative structure, that stressed me out so badly I felt physically ill, that was so moving it left me bursting into tears for days after I read it, that had the funniest single line I've read in a fic maybe ever. So far reading this is the only time I've ever checked the tags on a fic for "happy ending" because I was so emotionally overwhelmed by it that I needed to know it would be ok in the end. I can't overstate how much I love this one.

For Lack of Wanting by @fluxweeed (E, 8K)

Over the last ten years, I’ve worked hard to become a better person. I hate being reminded of who I used to be. But Harry likes it when I’m mean.

A gorgeous, painful story that explores a kind of Harry/Draco dynamic that's not seen as often in fics (a SAD one), but is done exceptionally well here. It hurts so good!

Nights With You by @the-sinking-ship (E, 58K)

Draco is mortified when moments prior to departing for the most anticipated destination wedding of the year, he is cruelly dumped. But when he learns that Harry Potter has, at long last, split with his horrible boyfriend, Draco is certain his luck has changed. Never a man to squander an opportunity for revenge (and what would probably be a spectacular shag), Draco vows to make Potter his for the weekend. Now all Draco has to do is convince him.

@the-sinking-ship regularly writes: my favorite kind of Draco, my favorite kind of romance/getting together AND my favorite kind of smut. This fic is all of those things.

Polar Night/Midnight Sun by toomuchplor (E, 54K)

Harry travels to arctic Norway on the trail of dragon egg poachers, only to find he's been assigned to work alongside the only NorMagPol Auror north of sixty: one Draco Malfoy. It's been ten years since they crossed paths, and Malfoy isn't exactly what Harry expected or remembered. For one thing, he wears a lot more hand-knits? When a sudden winter storm strands the pair, unable to use magic to rescue themselves, they take shelter in a one-room Norwegian hytte.

The hottest fic in the coldest setting, this one made me absolutely FERAL. The most evocative scenery, incredible characterization, and the perfect pacing building to an explosively sexy and tender relationship. Also I would read like, 100K more words on just the mittens and jumpers and scarves of this fic, which are not items of clothing I have cared much about in the past. It's just that every detail, down to the smallest, is incredible!

When It Returns by @academicdisasterfic (M, 8K)

‘You’re late, layabout,’ Malfoy drawled, pushing the whiskey over to him. ‘I’ll have you know that I am very busy maintaining a whole house and garden by myself now.’ ‘Oooh, the dead husband card. Before any alcohol. Is that a record?’ Harry's husband is dead, and Malfoy is the only one who gets it. Or, the one where they drink at a straight man pub, renovate a house, and learn how to find joy again.

January was a good month for feeling bad. It's another angsty one! This one is full of beautiful healing in the face of a loss that feels very real, Draco annoying Harry out of his grief spiral (but in a loving way?) and Harry being on the right side of almost too stubborn for it to work. I have read and reread this many times already!

[skamamoroma]

I have to admit I am a little disappointed with a few things this season at this point and it’s such a damn shame. Not everyone will agree with me and that’s no problem but these are my thoughts ☺️

They had me in the palm of their hand at the beginning and for quite a few of the early episodes. It was stellar, moving, intriguing, creatively structured and I was so interested to see Arthur navigate the d/Deaf community and his hearing loss. All of it was so engaging and made so much sense. I learned so much!

That said, after a while I felt a little disillusioned because of repetition. One thing, for me, that was stellar about the original is how succinct and expositionless the show was. It was so real and I LOVED when they even missed stuff out for us to work out and weren’t wholly full circle because it felt like real life but the seasons still made total sense and we still felt the character arc.

The repetition is fine, it wasn’t my favourite way for the show to get the point across that Arthur was struggling to find his place and struggling to live life as he always had done... and struggling to navigate stuff with the boys and Alexia. But it served its purpose I guess.

I absolutely understand the themes of “between two worlds” and isolation and the navigation of a young person and disability. There’s so much to learn there and I don’t for a second dispute that the show did research because my goodness - they did. Those clips have been, for me, the best of the season. There has clearly been so much overwhelming effort and that’s wonderful and I have seen so many folks who understand Arthur’s journey feeling so happy and represented which is... well that’s special.

But then the show kind of lost it a little for me with the relationship stuff. To be honest, for me as a person, I don’t put much stock in sex or intimate scenes but I do put a lot of stock in relationships between people whether they’re friendships or romantic love.

I was really happy that we were seemingly getting an established relationship for the first time with Skam outside of Eva/Jonas because we’d seen these two characters and knew and loved them! I wasn’t necessarily big on Arthur and Alexia as early on they felt shoehorned together for the sake of it but the show did a lovely job of showing them together, explaining why they were together and really establishing Alexia as this source of warmth for Arthur.

It’s not that I’m sold on them as a couple so much that I’d be devestated if they broke up. That would have been fine with me. I expected drama but it would have been so refreshing if that came from within their relationship. But the show, for me, dropped the ball with the romance and god is it a shame.

It’s obvious people will compare here with Lucas/Eliott. Cheating is an element of that season. It always has been in every version. Is it right? Absolutely not. But it has its purpose as we’ve seen time and time again and it’s tied to the themes of the season. We watch from Lucas’ perspective and so obviously are supporting and understanding him. So we have no emotional attachment or understanding of Lucille except for through Eliott and we understand immediately that they aren’t ok, that Eliott wants to end things and we see their relationship in glimpses and it isn’t good. We don’t have investment there and we also understand why Lucas is doing what he’s doing with Chloe because we’re seeing his mind being twisted. None of it is ok but the relationships that fall apart are both toxic or built on lies or unhealthy or close to over and we have a love story play out where both participants receive their source of understanding and warmth and comfort and understanding from each other. It’s messy but it makes sense despite that. But the fundamental is that the love story can be enjoyed and watched as a positive thing despite the mess. All of that stuff was tied to the issue of sexuality as Lucas felt confused and the issue of mental illness as Eliott felt controlled... here, it is added as an aside and the link is Noèe is Arthur’s gateway to this beautiful new community... but romance here is not necessary. It was chosen and it could have worked perfectly but I’m kinda sad they did it in this way.

Here, I’m so disappointed they have effectively presented Noèe similar to the way they presented Eliott (like an Even). She’s bold and beautiful and feisty and creative. She is a gateway to this new world and is kind and gentle and supportive. She had all of these sweeping beautiful moments and their chemistry was wonderful... but I couldn’t enjoy those moments because we have Alexia waiting in the sidelines.

It’s not the same. Alexis is a character who is loved. She is a character we know and have invested in and who has, traditionally, been sidelined in most remakes as the comedy female and often sadly focused on because of weight and actively dismissed because of it... and so we have emotions for her. We see her support and try with Arthur, offer him advice and love. We see how she doesn’t maybe get it perfect but goodness she tries to hard.

And we watch her for weeks be cheated on and lied to. It’s just so disappointing to me and doesn’t narratively make sense to me. It overshadows and taints the stuff with Noèe and rubbishes Alexia as a character... and for what purpose? The between two worlds idea was stark enough without romance included. It makes both romances, to me, seem unhealthy. Perhaps that’s the intention? If so, fine! If Arthur ends up alone knowing he has to navigate this himself then I’d understand him being flawed and struggling and making mistakes with both girls but I don’t think that’s what will happen.

I’m struggling to see the value of the way it has been done, sadly. I love messy flawed characters but stuff has to narratively make sense and all of the emotional stuff is there... I understand WHY Arthur would like Noèe, I understand their relationship, I understand Alexia and I could understand Arthur being torn but to do it this way not only makes us feel disappointed in Arthur, it presents Alexia as the scorned woman and reinforces all those stereotypes her character was sadly built on (aka that she will be second best or overlooked) and it taints Arthur and Noèe’s relationship from the outset. What a shame. Skam France seems to have a habit or doing this - they did it with s4. They push stuff so far that they end up achieving something that is so damaged or broken that by the end people find it difficult to be on board.

I’ve said it so many times but had it just been about Noèe then I’d have been 100% on board because she’s a dream!

And now to place a kiss directly after Arthur explaining how he has been physically (and no doubt) emotionally abused by his father felt crass! I get that it was an emotional moment but that’s a reveal we’ve been waiting for and a sickening one. That cut scene made me feel sick.

I’m curious as to how they will develop things. Obviously there’s a lot happening but I just feel disappointed that so many of the moments this season where we are supposed to feel something have either been repetitive, overshadowed by negativity or have been placed there for dramatic purposes rather than genuine movement in the plot. So so so much good has been done and I am so thrilled for the young Deaf community in France that they have so much of this season which had been meticulously researched and supported by those who know what it is to be deaf/hoh. That can only be a positive thing but I do feel like this season has lost its way, for me, and I’m struggling to engage in the way I normally would because of stuff I really don’t want to be focusing on... there are bigger more important things to focus on and it is all being drowned out with pointless and illogical relationship drama that truly isn’t needed. Anyway - let me know your thoughts! It’s perfectly ok not to agree with mine ❤️

[hillariat]

When I’m with you

Tags: Original work, Fluff, Romance, F/F, wlw, Comedy 

Word count: 3,066

Summary: She followed me to my doorstep, and we embraced in a hug that lasted way longer than it should. As she departed, bidding an I'll text you when I'm home -a mere formality in Singapore- I began to wonder.

Did she feel the same?

In which Rachel has feelings for her best friend Jiamin.

Author’s note: This is just something to take note of before reading if you aren’t familiar with Singapore. This story uses some Singlish, mostly in dialogue. Singlish is the colloquial variation of English in Singapore. It has its own unique grammatical structure and slang terms borrowed from multiple different Asian languages. Different people integrate Singlish into their speech to varying degrees. For Singlish terms, I’ve given in text translations in [ ]. 

Also I’ve cross-posted this on Royal Road under the same title and author name.

____________________________________________________________

The first time I felt it, I was at the park with her in the middle of the night. She kept nudging me to try the flying fox. I rebuked that it wasn’t my thing, that it wasn’t appropriate with the skirt I was wearing, that she wasn’t strong enough to push me all the way to the other end.

In essence, I was scared. Yeah, a 15-year-old was scared of a piece of playground equipment that little 5-year-olds rode on a daily basis. Jiamin mocked me in much the same way, as if my reaction were a teleprompt script of my thoughts. I relented and awkwardly attempted to sit on the damn thing. She saw me struggle and halted her sharp remarks, most likely to not dissuade me from my reluctant decision. Instead, she opted for a constipated face, struggling to contain her laughter.

With an effortful push from Ms constipatedface, I was sent gliding across the playground with the whirring noise of cables being my only company. It was....not as bad as I thought. The slight breeze that brushed against my face, the passing scenery of a peaceful night was relaxing, the - yeah I was lying to myself. This was fucking scary. My feet were suspended a meter off the ground, ripping any sense of control I had over this damned thing away from me. I was at the mercy of the imparted force of Jiamin's push and whatever resistance the ill maintained wires provided. Without my calculator and notebook, I had no clue when or where exactly I would stop and not knowing brought upon deep seated feelings of insecurity that I thought I had tucked away under piles of 100th percentiles in report cards.

Fortunately for me, the flying fox slowed down to a stop whilst I was buried in my thoughts. The wires sagged under my weight, leaving my feet within reach of the ground. Jiamin jogged to me with a gleeful expression painted on her features, clearly very entertained by my suffering. I on the other hand probably looked like I came out of the Vietnam war. She asks me how it was, and I groaned. Well, “weh” was more accurate, but I’d like to think it was a groan. She chuckled, her deep voice filling the otherwise empty park. It wasn’t any different from her previous chuckles, but my heart clearly felt otherwise.

It fluttered.

 I mulled over that feeling for several weeks. It wasn’t a foreign concept to me. I’ve heard friends talk about it at the canteen, heard hushed gossip amongst classmates during lessons and dramatized portrayals in media. But why now? Nothing has really changed between us; she hasn’t changed at all. So why now? 2 months ago, I would’ve said her laugh sounded like a dying pig but now I’m not so sure.

I took a glance at her, seated at a table diagonally to the right of me. To the undiscerning eye she was diligently taking notes in class, her face laser focused on what she was producing on paper. But I knew better. She was probably drawing bats and skeletons and anything else that could pass as a villainous henchman in a kid’s cartoon. She never cared much for math, or any other subject outside of recess. She once told me that she didn’t see the point of trying since she wasn’t planning to go anywhere after secondary school. When I pried further, she said “I’m damn stupid. Confirm cannot go anywhere”.

I think the only time I've ever seen her willingly try to study was in primary 5, a year before our Primary School Leaving Examinations. She suddenly became very interested in studying after I told her I wanted to go to Bukit Panjang Government High, a top public secondary school. Maybe she finally realized how important studying was. For that entire year she was buried in textbooks. I swore her head could've become a bookmark. When results came around, everyone thought it was a miracle, some divine intervention from god, that she did as well as she did. But I knew better. She was never one for prayers. We both entered Bukit Panjang Government High and Jiamin went back to slacker mode.

 She turned to me, sensing my stare. We made eye contact, chocolate brown meeting chocolate brown, - yes Chinese kids all look the same – but for some reason I was ensnared.

I felt my face flush red.

I want to die. Please take me now death.

Bewilderment was plastered on her face. A moment passes. Then, as though she was struck with a thunderbolt of genius, her expression turned to a knowing smirk. Death, anytime now please.

She stuck her tongue out at me like the child she is and I, obviously, returned the favor. Because what else do you do when someone flicks their tongue at you? Ok, no death for now.

We shared a quiet giggle before turning back to our work. Well, I tried to. My whole body was consumed by….nice feelings. Warmth that felt like a hug. Butterflies threatening to break from my ribcage. That sort of stuff. It was topped off with starry eyes and a dreamy smile that probably made me look crazy.

I was so glad I didn’t have a tablemate, else I’d be probed on my strange expression. I don’t think claiming that I was merely enjoying the lesson at hand would’ve been believable. If it was it would imply that I was going gooey eyed over first order derivatives. I know I’m a nerd but I have standards. It’s got to at least be partial derivatives in a matrix to get me flustered.

So uh yeah, “mulling” didn’t actually involve thinking about my feelings. More like awkwardly fumbling through the full spectrum of emotions. I should do something about it. Just as I was about to plunge into another train of thought, I received a text from none other than her.

Jiah Lian: Wanna go monti next week?

That’s weird. Monti was a candlelit atas* [Fancy & expensive] restaurant that sat on Marina bay, aka the kind that people bring their lovers to for a proposal and have anniversaries and junk.  I’d been wanting to eat there for months because apparently the pasta is to die for and they cook it tableside (I know, I have spoilt rich girl tastes) but I never really got around to it. I didn’t think it was her kind of thing. If I nagged her enough, she’d probably go with me, but show up in shorts and sandals and complain about spending $58 on pasta.

Trash bag: Sure, but don’t wear shorts

Jiah Lian: Wah, u wan see me naked alr? Pervert

Trash bag: Gross

Jiah Lian: ILY too :)

Trash bag: Wed?

Jiah Lian*: Caaaannnn

[*a pun on the Singlish word “ah lian” which means female gangster]

 Wow. Oh wow. Out of all the things I thought would happen today, seeing Jiamin in a dress was not one of them. To be frank I was expecting her to show up in either shorts or a shirt-pants combo. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t pleasantly surprised though. She was wearing a spaghetti strapped cocktail dress that hugged her in all the right places, accentuating her slim form. The dress slit went all the way up her smooth, never-ending legs, leaving just enough room for the imagination. It was bare back too. The dress probably showed a bit too much skin considering she came from a conservative household, but I’m not complaining.

In a manner that was so unlike the way she was dressed, Jiamin yelled “Rachel!” and hurriedly made her way across the train station to me. She was like a puppy bolting towards its owner when they came home. Adorable.

She circled me once over, eyeing up my outfit in enthusiasm. Seemingly satisfied with what she saw, she gave a smile that ended at the corner of her eyes.

"Wah you damn chio*"[Pretty] She said, gesturing to my dress. It was a simple, off shoulder, A-line affair.

I nudged her shoulder playfully with my fingers.

“You also”

In response, she gave a goofy, ear to ear grin, her normal go-to reaction to compliments. Though this time I could’ve sworn there was a tinge of red coloring her cheeks. Maybe it was a trick of the light.

We made our way to the restaurant, talking about anything and everything from some idiot in history class that declared that they didn’t need to know about Hitler because, and I quote; “all the Jews are dead” (I don’t know how he got into an elite school) to whether or not caviar and white chocolate would taste nice together. Our hands brushed together once.

“In theory it should work because, according to food science, they have similar flavor compounds, like trimethylamine which has a fishy odour. So they – “

“What the shit! Who the fuck thinks white chocolate tastes fishy?!”

“Science does!” I happily sang. “and it thinks white chocolate would be very good with caviar.”

She cringed.

“Eeeeee, fuck that’s damn gross.”

“Hmm I dunno, now I’m very tempted to try it. Maybe I’ll order caviar later.”

She grasped her chest in relief.

“Thank god, Monti don’t have caviar.”

I gave her the most innocent and earnest smile I could muster.

“Then next time, we’re going to a seafood place and I’m bringing white chocolate.”

She looked at me with absolute horror. “I don’t know you! Who is Rachel?!” She proceeded to wander off in faux abandonment. I on the other hand am cackling with laughter. I loved grossing her out with science.

Once I caught my breath I jogged after her.

 Our dinner was filled with idle chatter and a savored appreciation for the food. There was a moment where I thought she was going to place her hand over mine as she lightly grazed it, but in reality she was just trying to steal my phone. I would’ve thought that after the 10th time she’s failed that stunt, she’d know better. When the bill was settled, Jiamin of course complained about the exuberant price of pasta and my 'atas' tastes.

"I can treat you, y'know as 'compensation' for your company."

She snorted.

"You make me sound like a prostitute." We both chuckled. I continued.

"Legit though, I can treat you if you want."

She dismissed me with a wave.

"No need, hanging out with you is treat enough" She had a smirk and a...blush? Or was that the lighting? Doesn’t matter. What does matter is that I've gone into cardiac arrest and I haven’t told my family that I wanted a secular funeral. God bless the dim lighting.

 On our way out, Jiamin's hand brushed against mine again.

Normally I wouldn’t think much of this, but the fact that it’s the 3rd time it happened today and on the same hands mind you,I was a bit perturbed. Jiamin was never shy about physical affection. In primary school she would constantly hold my hand, stating that it felt “nice” or something. I didn’t know why it’d be nice though; I was a sweaty kid; my palms were nasty. A couple months ago she tackle-hugged me because I helped salvage her “hopeless” physics project. In that same timeframe she pinched the crap out of my cheeks after we looked at my old childhood photos when we were at my grandparent’s place. That’s on top of her still holding my hand all the time. Then again recently there’s been a lot less physical affection. Maybe I pissed her off. Eh, she’ll talk about it when she’s good and ready. After all, she’s that kind of person. If you try to crack her open like an egg, she'll call you bitch and stop talking to you for 2 weeks. Trust me, I've tried.

Her hands brushed mine again, though this time she seemed more daring. Her index curled up around my pinky, as if testing the waters. I responded in kind, and she took that as a sign to be bolder. Her fingers cautiously crawled up further and soon our hands were intertwined. My stomach did something that the rest of me could not; a fucking backflip.

 I really didn’t want this night to end so soon and it seemed as though Jiamin thought the same. She suggested that we take a walk along the bay because ‘food coma’. I happily agreed and that’s how we wound up walking along the bay hand in hand.

Her gaze was drawn to the city skyline on the opposite side of the bay, just as mine was to her. Her deep brown eyes hidden among too long messy bangs, petite pink lips and razor-sharp jawline were all illuminated -no- highlighted by the moonlight. She really was something else. I could almost just-

"The view damn nice."

My head snapped to said view. Little boxes glowed with artificial hues of blues, greens, whites and yellows. They peppered the orderly array of skyscrapers, starkly contrasting the night sky. Each building was interwoven with one another, smaller ones disappeared in the shadow of larger ones and the ones that were front and center demanded attention like a whiny 5 year old. Some towered above others in a supposed race to be the tallest, but never in a disorderly fashion. Every tower had its own distinct curves, angles and edges. Shapes that would normally belong in a dull geometry paper were fused together into deceitfully simple artistic hybrids, giving each building its own sense of character. Yet they all managed to fit together nicely into a coordinated group of semi homogenized modernity.

Pristine, structured, and beautiful. Truly fitting for a metropolis.  

 "It’s weird how every tiny box that’s lit has a worker inside" Jiamin gestured to a well-lit office building. She turned to me.

"Do you think our lives are gonna be like that? Working until 8+ in a box then go home and sleep and then do it again?"

I shrugged.

"Maybe? That depends on the job type and-"

"Do you want that?"

My expression furrowed. I’m not really certain of my reply but let it slip anyways. Bad Rachel.

" I-I don’t know. I haven’t thought that far. I mean we're so young and all.”

She quirked her brows.

"Then why you study so hard?" Despite her choice of words, her tone holds no animosity, just genuine curiosity.

"Well, because I like it." Jiamin continued to look at me, expecting more. I took a deep breath and continued. "And also because it gives me security"

"Like it opens up more doors? "

"No. It gives me something..." My eyes searched the ground as though the right words would appear at my feet. I swallowed. "to be proud of"

Jiamin fell silent at that. Her eyebrows furrowed, whether in thought or in sympathy I don’t know, but I hope it wasn't the latter. I don’t need that.

She chewed on her lips, contemplating on whether or not she should say whatever it was that was on her mind. I had half the mind to ask but again, I knew better.

"Sometimes I fail things on purpose."

My jaw dropped.

"What? Why?"

She shrugged.

"People think I damn useless. Like cannot do this, cannot do that. -she brought up her fingers to count - I lazy, stupid, hopeless, cannot make it."

I frowned and knitted my brows, trying to stitch together what she was trying to say.

"So you want to spite them?"

She sighed.

"Maybe. At least I know I'm good at failing"

I fell into silence, letting that sentence stew in my thoughts for a moment. I knew what I wanted to convey but I didn’t know how to convey it right. Neither of us cared much for words of pity after all.

"You know, I heard the best way to say 'fuck you' to someone is to be happy."

"You think I not happy is it?" She growled.

I held my hands up defensively. "No no. That’s not what I’m saying. I'm trying to say that maybe you should consider what does make you happy."

Jiamin paused for a moment, lips pursed in thought. She turned away to look at the skyline again and that was the end of that conversation. There were more words to be said about this topic, but they weren't going to be said today. That's fine with me.

 The journey home was filled with a comfortable silence, the kind that I've always enjoyed with her. Though this time there was an added feeling of warmth and a silly soft smile plastered on my face. I never thought I'd like hand holding this much since primary school.

She followed me to my doorstep, and we embraced in a hug that lasted way longer than it should. As she departed, bidding an I'll text you when I'm home -a mere formality in Singapore- I began to wonder.

Did she feel the same?

 My answer came the next day, when I found a bouquet of flowers carefully tucked under my desk. Attached to it was a handwritten note with an anonymous sign off. I had only read half the note when I realized who my secret admirer was.

The messy scrawl was practically indecipherable to all but the best doctors, but I had seen it far too many times to not know what the squiggles conveyed. I sighed. I told her more than a dozen times that she should've done her handwriting homework, stating that unlike every other mundane piece of work she never did in primary school, this would come back to bite her. Only once had she listened.

It was apparent from the first line of the note. The ‘a’ in dear, in my name and scattered about in every other word that demanded the vowel stood out like a sore thumb. Unlike every other letter which was hideously malformed beyond recognition, the ‘a’s were written perfectly. From the not quite circular tri-pointed body to the tail flick at the end, the ‘a’ was a perfect imitation of the template we were forced to trace over as kids.

I pulled out my phone, shooting my not-so-secret admirer a text thanking her for the bouquet, watching in amusement as her face turned the same color as those flowers.

[adulting-with-autism]

Yippee! It’s episode three!

@izzyisahufflepuff @firesidoni @yesharrypotterlover123blr

Transcript under cut:

Welcome to AWA. Today’s episode is going to be slightly different because Liz is ill so I’ll be handling your questions solo. Hopefully I’ll do okay.

izzyisahufflepuff said:

“I just saw your tips for toothbrushing, and though they're very helpful, can you offer some tips as to how I can stop forgetting to/coming up with excuses not to brush my teeth? please and thank you”

Now what I generally recommend is something like habitica or similar apps that sort of provide little incentives in a game like structure. Wouldn’t say gamify I hate that word an irrational amount. But that’s something that’s worked for me in the past. Or something like writing down a little schedule for yourself could work quite well. That’s about as much as I’ve got for that one really. Just try and establish a routine through an app or a more old fashioned method. But whatever you do, try to go a couple of days in a row of doing a thing and you should start to adjust hopefully.

Next Question: firesidoni says

“I generally have a terrible time making out what people are saying when there's much background noise - I have a hard time turning the noise into words. Is this (potentially) an autism thing, or just a me thing?”

It’s definitely not a you thing. That’s something where I’ll definitely have a problem hearing people if there’s a lot going on. I tend to withdraw and things like that ‘cause it can be hard to pick out one particular set of sounds and interpret them so you’re not alone there. As for dealing with it I don’t have an answer for you there, I just avoid those situations where I can.

yesharrypotterlover123blr said

“Hi I'm autistic. I try following blogs and debating people, but I wind up offending people accidently. I don't feel comfortable saying it's autism, because it might not be (as I'm very sheltered and privileged/rich/white), + it sounds like an excuse (regardless of the situation in question) but I'm sick of seeing privileged neurotypicals get the benefit of the doubt just for being tactful. Any advice?”

Ok, for not offending people I guess one thing that really helps is just well sometimes I’ll go “right I won’t discuss this issue” if it’s sort of an emotive topic. One thing that really can cause problems, I think this came up in a previous episode, is when you’re interested in an abstract debate on an issue. A lot of people can get this, neurotypicals as well. People like looking at issues in the abstract and going about it in a thought experiment sort of way when the person they’re trying to have the conversation with is saying “this happened to me, this is an experience I had”.

The question is: is this a person who’s talking about – if you look at someone’s blog and they’re talking about had or have on a regular or semi-regular basis. I might post, I don’t know, money’s really tight or something like that, or alternatively on familiar ground someone might talk about sensory issues. You wouldn’t want, I’m sure, lots of us post about that kind of thing but you wouldn’t want somebody replying to that saying let’s start a long proper debate about how you feel. So that’s sometimes how trying to debate people comes across I think.

Because sometimes the best response isn’t a debate. It’s not necessarily what you want, it seems you like debating, but what’s sometimes best is saying “that sucks” rather than saying “but does it happen like that” or “is your experience really valid”. That can just, I think, get in the way. That means you’re not going to get a good faith debate because you could maybe say on a particular issue I’m not sure that…

There’s a difference between disagreeing on a solution for a societal problem, which is fine it happens every day it’s perfectly healthy, and disagreeing that something is a problem in the first place. It’s quite possible and healthy to have a discussion about the former, “right you know, this is an issue how do we get past it” there aren’t always cut and dried answers to these questions.

The trick is at least start out saying “that sucks how can things get better” rather than “did this really happen, was this an issue, was that person…” I don’t know, running dry on examples but I think maybe do something like put up on your blog, I don’t know if you have already, something about “I like debating” and maybe post an invitation, put a post up on your blog or add a little line on your profile “I’m open for a proper theoretical debate, theoretical conversation”

I think there’s impassioned conversations about social justice and there’s debates about these things and there’s room for both, but you’ve got to set parameters for a debate. Like in schools and colleges debate clubs don’t just spring up. They’ve got to be formalised. You say we’ll set up here, go by these rules, and not make things too personal, that’s great that’s fine but a real problem lies when people take that kind of debate club mentality, that debate club ethos and expect it to apply in every situation.

It doesn’t sound like you’re falling into that trap you want to engage people in a respectful way, you’re trying to work out how to do that so kudos to you. The main thing is you’ve got to set the parameters. Say “this is a call for debate so get in my inbox, comment on my post and we can start that conversation”. I think that could happen. Might not be that successful but you’ve got a better shot with that because sometimes you might end up derailing a more personal subjective conversation about social justice and things like that with a demand for an entirely different kind of conversation.

It’s how, I think, things can get out of hand it’s two very different styles of discussing issues and I guess that’s what you’ve got to be really clear on. You can always say “sorry I was looking at it in an abstract kind of way, I wasn’t trying to minimise what you’re going through or the issue”. You can always say “sorry I’m looking at it a bit too abstract you guys carry on”, or alternatively try to look at it from the other person’s pov. How you’d feel if somebody tried to put an abstract spin on something personal to you. I’ve started rambling so that’s as much as I’ve got on that I think.

There is a long question on here. It’s a three parter and it sounds kind of thorny so I’m probably going to be spending the rest of the episode responding to this and working out what to say.

“Hello guys, I was wondering how you feel about polyamory. As a queer autistic boy in a big group of friends (including my partner) who are all allistic nb, queer, and polyamorous (no one’s dating each other, just friends), I feel very left out in a way, because my brain is incredibly hierarchical. I find that I can only have one (1!!!) best friend at a time, and I can only love ONE person (i.e my partner). How can I unlearn this hierarchal thinking? It feels absolutely impossible

but I hate feeling left out (a big source of anxiety for me). People often (my friends and partner included) seem to make polyamory seem like a more Moral alternative, and that monogamy, on the other hand is a Conscious Choice one has to be Determined to make? This feels alien and a bit upsetting to me. And even though my partner says that just because you love 1 person doesn't mean you love someone else more, you can love equally, but this concept I just cannot grasp.

It's as hard to me to understand, as it is for humans in general to imagine colours we've never seen. It's impossible. But I feel kinda guilty and immoral, as if I'm not as emotionally developed as them or something, and as if I'm "possessive" because I can't handle my partner dating someone else than me WHILE they're dating me? My partner isn't actively polyamorous when they’re with me ‘cause they know it'd upset me but still... I don’t wanna be the autie weirdo.. I don’t know what to do”

And breathe. Right, that sounds like a fraught sitch. Thing is I know lots of my friends who are poly and many of the things you’ve mentioned, and I think that frankly I’m sure Liz would back me up on this, acting all as if it’s a better choice is just daft. It’s plain daft is what it is. Looking at alternative forms of relationships to monogamy is really interesting. It works really well for some people but not for others. Some people have, you can have vastly different levels of comfort, different thresholds for jealousy without being a controlling person, without being a bad or insecure person. It’s okay that you feel that there’s one person you want to be with and you don’t want to date anyone else or have your partner date anyone else.

It’s fine. And that could be the way you feel for the rest of your life or you could change your mind, but whatever feels right in that relationship is the right call. There’s no higher or better form of a relationship and anybody who says otherwise is leading you astray I think. I think that there’s a good chance with a lot of people who wouldn’t be comfortable being polyamorous and going for it anyway I feel like there’s, if you feel you’d get possessive, then simply trying to switch to a different form of relationship wouldn’t make it go away, it might just manifest in a different way. It doesn’t sound like you’re being a bad or possessive person at all.

Lots of people have a small amount of people they’re close to in friendship and romance. Lots of people have one partner and one best friend. That’s a really common thing and sometimes people can be a bit elitist about it and a bit, “oh I’m doing a different thing I’m standing out”. It could be that they’re not trying to say the form of their relationship is an inherently moral choice, might just be it’s the right thing for them. There’s a point halfway through about talking about monogamy as a conscious choice. They’re both conscious choices. Choosing to remain with one person choosing to be with multiple people, that’s a conscious choice. But choosing something that’s different to the mainstream isn’t necessarily a better thing nor a worse thing. The only way to make that kind of decision is based around your emotional well-being and your partner’s emotional well-being.

That’s the only thing that really matters there. Tis important to just do what makes you happy. There’s no more right or wrong answer than that. It sounds like you’re someone who’d be much more comfortable being monogamous. It sounds like you wouldn’t be happy with that, it would make you feel less happy in the relationship and even if you feel like you said to your partner “alright let’s try a different tac”, if you’re just doing that to make them happy and you’re uncomfortable with it, chances are they’d notice your discomfort and that would have a knock on effect.

I feel like if you think it’s a thing you can handle or go for, and would be genuinely interested in it then go for it, but going down that path because of what sounds like peer pressure is a really bad way to go I think. It’s got to be about what’s right for you what’s right for your partner and I don’t think it’s necessarily autism at the root of it. It may have something to do with it. But you don’t have to unlearn any thinking.

You don’t have to change. The thing is if it is down to disability then anybody expecting you to change a part of yourself change a part of your thinking is being really gross I think. That’s plain weird. Be yourself, there’s no better person to be. There’s nothing wrong with you, there’s nothing less moral about you. You’re trying to do what’s right for your emotional well-being. It doesn’t sound like you’re judging others, it doesn’t sound like you’re doing anything negative towards anyone.

You keep on going the way you’re going. It might be a good idea to talk to your friends about how they may come across and how it feels like they’re pushing it as a superior thing. I guess a lot of people fall into monogamy by default but you’re someone who knows the options there, knows the choices they’ve got and you seem to know what makes you feel comfortable. There’s a point to make that people default to monogamy but for some people it seems like you included, it seems like the right way to go.

That’s the last question in the inbox and that just about wraps up the show.

Somehow I’ve manage to talk to about as long as our regular show just on my lonesome. I was tempted to fill in for Liz by occasionally doing an impression but I think they’d probably end up listening and I’m not sure they’d appreciate it. So it’s tarrah for now until next time dear listeners.

That was Adulting with Autism, a very Nick centric special.

Take care.