#so im saying it here to keep in case other people havent connected the dots yet either lol

[hella1975]

i hate reading hangovers in fics bc either not a single fic writer ever has written an accurate hangover OR mine are just weird and you know what i think i can tell which one it is. like where is my representation for the bitches that get incredibly depressed when they're hungover. like it cant just be me alcohol is literally a depressant. i have to actually police myself and my thought process when im hungover bc ive realised it just makes me unreasonable. i have to go 'we'll think about this tomorrow' no matter how pressing the problem seems bc i honest to god cannot respond proportionally when im hungover i convince myself the world is ending and that im an awful awful person and yeah okay i can see why people aren't adding this fun part of hangovers into their cute fluff fics now

[asexualzoro]

so you want to make a twitter (part 2)

tweeting

i’ve seen a few guides on twitter for new twitter users, which is nice, but something about having the posts being things you had to finds on twitter--a new site for the people who needed those guides--seemed unhelpful to me. so, i figured id make a small series of guides of my own here for anyone considering a move (or just making an account) who dont know how

this is a series of posts, since im going to be sort of detailed, so feel free to use just the pieces you need. ill tag them all “lews twitter tutorials” so you can find them on my blog

this is written under the assumption that youve read part 1 of this mini guide series, and dont know anything about twitter or any other social media site but tumblr

ill put it under a cut to save your space, but here’s the most important feature of twitter: tweeting!

so, tweeting. this is something you obviously have to know how to do.  this is how to make a tweet, differences between tumblr and twitter, and how to interact with a tweet

so, making one! when you make a new tweet on mobile, the screen looks like this

(the icons are p much the same whether you use mobile or desktop, so it doesnt matter which i use)

first, the tweet itself! tweets can only be up to 280 characters, and cant be edited once you post them. theres no feature to bold, italicize, underline, or add linked text in twitter, so its not as good as tumblr for stuff like that, unfortunately. 

here’s what the icons at the bottom do, from left to right

- pictures! this is sort of straightforward: it lets you add pictures. a tweet can only contain either 4 pictures, 1 gif, or 1 video. you cant have a gif and a picture, or a picture and a video. 

a note for artists! twitter is known to compress image quality when images are uploaded, BUT there is a workaround! if you have even one single transparent pixel, your image wont be compressed. 

a note for everyone! you can enable image transcription captions in settings (Settings > Accessibility > compose image descriptions). this allows you to type a short image description to any image you post, if you choose to. it’s a feature i recommend you have on and try to use for your followers who might have worse vision!

- gif keyboard! this image is a search for reaction gifs, basically. i almost never use it bc i can usually never find the specific gif im looking for...

- polls! tis is a feature i like about twitter! it allows you to conduct anonymous polls with up to four options. you can set a time limit and leave it up to allow people to respond. settle arguments between you and your friends or get opinions!

you cant post an image and a poll in the same tweet, so if you want opinions on something in an image, just have the poll be a reply to your tweet

- location! you can add your current location to any tweet. ive had this disabled for so long i genuinely dont know like... anything about this.

listen, im trying my best

- the little circle at the bottom which is grey with a dot of blue is the character counter. the circle is grey when empty, and gets bluer as you tweet. it wont count out how many characters you have left until youre within 20 of being full, in which case itll let you know so you dont go over the limit. 

- finally, theres the + icon, which is for making threads. it lets you edit multiple tweets at once, connected in a string. threads are helpful for a lot of reasons!

if you have information to share, then put it together in a thread! if one tweet in a thread is retweeted, it’s marked as being part of a thread. this will encourage readers to look at the rest!

if you like to livetweet series, put it in a thread! this allows you to keep all your livetweets in one place, and also allows people following you to mute the thread if they arent interested

- i also know on mobile if you close out with the X, you can save a tweet to drafts to edit and post later. i dont know if you can do this on desktop because i never use desktop, and when i have, i couldnt ever find the drafts thing. i know if you delete the app, all your drafts are deleted, too

WELL, now that youve got the basics on a tweet....

interacting with the tweets of others

okay, heres a bit on what buttons do what, and some Twitter Manners

here’s our sample tweet, posted. this isnt how it appears on the timeline, but how it appears once you click it, so i can show the full range of things you can do with a tweet.

you can see the tweet, who posted it, and the date/time, and other stuff

- profile. top left. if you click the icon/display name/handle of the op, you can go to their profile!

- menu. see the little arrow in the top right corner? thats a menu. 

on your own tweet, you can delete the tweet here, pin it to your profile, or mute it. muting a tweet means you no longer get notifications when someone interacts with it

on someone else’s tweet, you can follow or unfollow the op of the tweet, mute the op, block the op, or report the tweet

in the bottom row....

- theres tweet activity. it only shows up on your own tweet, and lets you see how many people have seen your tweet.

- below this would tell you how many likes and retweets your tweet got, but no one liked or retweeted my wonderful tweet for some strange reason, so i cant show you

worth noting, if your account is on private, you wont show up in the notifications of people who arent following you

now for the buttons

- the speech bubble is replies! that lets you repy to the tweet

worth saying, if you reply to a retweet or conversation, its important to be sure to un-@ the people who you arent talking to. when you reply to someone, at the top of the reply it will list everyone youre replying to. click the little names and unclick the check boxes by the names of those not involved, and youre good to go! not doing this is considered rude/annoying

- next, retweeting! retweeting is sort of like reblogging. you retweet another tweet so it shows up on your own account. you can retweet without comment, which brings the tweet as is, or with comment, which allows you to add your own sort of caption. the op of the tweet will nto be notified for any replies, likes, or retweets on a comment retweet

a note! people often do retweets with comments on stuff like news stories to add their own commentary/jokes

another note! DO NOT do this to art by artists, even if youre doing it to be nice! a lot of artists, especially international artists, find this incredibly rude, as it takes away attention and retweets from the art itself. if you want to share art, just retweet. if you want to say something nice, just tell them in replies!

its not uncommon for people to retweet something without comment, then make a tweet of their own to comment on them.these tweets generally start with LRT (last retweet)

- likes are pretty simple. you press the like button and you like the post. one thing thats different from tumblr to twitter, though, is twitter has a feature that shows your likes (and that you liked them) to your followers (if they havent disabled it). 

- the share button allows you to share tweets! you can DM them to your friends, bookmark them (this is good for articles and such), or copy the link to share elsewhere.

and... that concludes tweeting!

[semi-imaginary-place]

more dgs 2-5 trial

resolve. kazuma's resolve which started him on the path of law and across an ocean as an assassin. which drove him to britain even after he had lost his memory. and the resolve of ryuunosuke naruhodo to as stronghart puts it "pursue the truth to the bitter end"

yeah isn't there some law (in the US at least) where lawyers aren't allowed on a case they're personally involved in. well this is 1900 great britain so who knows. kazuma looking sketch although he did say he didn't kill gregson and for now i kinda believe him like narratively the writers even had susato comment that he doesn't lie.

ive connected two dots. judge jigoku was also the one kazuma consulted, after which he was set upon the path of a lawyer aspiring to be an exchange student. hmm kazuma was already an aspiring defence lawyer and exchange student when jigoku approached him to be an assassin. he really did want to defend his father in court initially at least. recruiting an actual random university student seems like a stupid plan. better to find an actual assassin and pretend they're a student.

ok im not a vallistics or forensics expert but if he was shot and died indtantly i dont think its impossible gregson crumpled to the floor and ended up curled up like in the photo. this logic is a stretch.

why is the murderer always one of the witnesses... but we havent used all the evidence or solved all the mysteries though that might be wrapped up in the victory antechamber scene. i do like how a lot of the murders were tied to greater pressures. like dr. sithe did so to keep the justice system she had built intact even if that meant living with blackmail above her head. and jigoku is caught in international relations and power struggles and cannot refuse the demands on a powerful empire. hmm contractually obligated to complete the assassination, jigoku could have sent another assassin to take the fall knowing that they would have no diplomatic immunity and would be executed but he decuded to do it himself. why did stronghart accept ryunosuke as a replacement?

accusing barok van zieks of being the conspiracy mastermind, that would be a seperate trial, his trial for for gregsons murder, these are seperate tho related crimes. what sort of kangaroo court is this.

was it really coincidence that barok was the one caught in jigoku's trap? its Suspiciously convenient aaand would eliminate the person investigating the reaper if barok was found guilty of murder.

fabricated conclusive evidence planted and "discovered" during the autopsy to turn genshin asogi into the scapegoat. yup thought we'd be going here. this was the case kazuma wanted to build from the begining as a defense lawyer. and with wilson is japan he'd be a liability for the reaper that was difficult to eliminate. dr wilson was the one overseeing the autopsy and he signed off on the report but dr mikotoba was the one who wrote that report. how much was mikotoba involved? summoning gregson's ghost to the stand. well i mean.... who knows whats possible and ghost testimony was used in court in like 2001. but besides that that leaves the asogi papers and maybe mikotoba.

the voice of the people or the ravings of a mob its hard to tell sometimes. those who hold power have the privelege of propriety and to speak quiety and still be heard.

ahh! this is the problem with me taking a year to play the duology! my memory sucks! that case with shamsphere we found a bloody dog colllar and some other stuff? in natsume's former room. and shamsphere learned of the cache from a prinson inmate who died? just who was the tenant before natsume i dont remember.

[bwicblog]

>KUANFU: Bother Alexar.

After Kuanfu starts bragging about sleeping with Kyviar, one of Alexar's terrifying exes - and matesprit at that time - in the public chat, Alexar gets curious and tries to ask Kua his name and age. Kua responds by lying, requesting the same - and taking it to PMs when Alexar won't give him the answers he wants.

-- ayeayeCaptain [AC] is now messaging grantonCleaver [GC]! --

AC: haha, holy shit, what a name. GC: {uh} AC: i was totally going to make a joke, but you know what, dude? no. no, that's pretty cool. AC: good on you. bloodthirsty.. but adorable. adorabloodthirsty? man, my name feels totally lame, now. AC: but wait, shit, let's stay on topic. AC: how are you? GC: {uh} GC: {im fine} GC: {just you know} GC: {chillin} GC: {uh how about you} AC: awww, dude. am i making you nervous? because that is, like, totally not my intentions here. i am sorry. AC: i am currently raiding a boat! i should be doing paperwork while i am stuck down here, but. well. AC: there's nothing like the wind in your hair and blood on your deck, right? GC: {dude i dont think i know your name beyond kua and weve had like one conversation} GC: {i dont know why youre messaging me right now} AC: huh, the uh's cleared up pretty quick. AC: and i am pretty sure we have had way more than one conversation, dude. AC: isn't that why you were asking my name? GC: {pretty sure we havent} GC: {and i was just curious} AC: dude, you are so rude. like, on every level. and i know i should not take it personally, but at the same time, i am kind of hurt, considering i have been nothing but really friendly and helpful. AC: what flarp group are you part of?(edited) GC: {uh i dont remember its been ages and we changed captains and names a ton} GC: {i think once we were something like the raging boars once or something or other} GC: {yknow just flarp stuff} GC: {why} AC: because kyviar was kind of a huge fucking monster, so it's sort of weird anyone was hanging around discussing her schticks. AC: or did you all just, like, have a thing for genocidal mutants?(edited) GC: {well i mean you sort of answered your own question} GC: {she was a huge fucking monster who was a genocidal mutant} GC: {so you tell me how that didnt get the fuck around} AC: i gotta say, i never sat around talking about what the leviathan's get are up to, with their giant murder snake. everyone's always just been like "oh, shit, it's a giant snake and their horrible owner!" AC: not, like, "oh, damn, let's discuss the means of their murdering everything they can put their pink hands on!" AC: but don't get me wrong, that's a cool hobby. AC: what all did you hear about her? GC: {uh well} GC: {first of all i dont really see why youre asking me about all of this like i was just a shitty pirate flarper okay like i did that for a few sweeps and then ducked out and now i work in a bakery} GC: {second of all well i mean i heard a bunch} GC: {heard she was a mutant and wasnt afraid of it and usually tried to get people to kill her i heard she slaughtered nearly every town she went through unless they could pay up money} GC: {heard she liked to paint things black to match her blood and set shit on fire} GC: {you know the basics} AC: i don't know, dude. why'd you ask me my age and name, then refuse to give yours? AC: it makes people curious! GC: {because i was trying to remember if she had any allies or anything and that was what like} GC: {ages ago or something right} AC: and oh jeez, that's a lot. holy shit, you're a big fan. probably for the best you never met her, she'd have been so mad. GC: {at least three sweeps before she disappeared off the waters} GC: {didnt she get killed or something} GC: {its a bit murky} AC: haha, where'd you hear that? GC: {rumors} AC: nah, dude, she's totally still tooling around in space, like everyone our age. and she totally had allies! loads and loads of them. AC: but i guess that didn't get put down on your creepy fansites, right? GC: GC: {seriously?} AC: uhhh. AC: i said like three things there, dude. GC: {shes still fucking alive?} AC: haha, why do you care? GC: {shes a blackblooded mutant who got her kicks off of pirating and killing people the fact that shes still kicking it is baffling}(edited) AC: half of us got our kicks off of pirating and killing people, i just don't think that's very outstanding. GC: {you know what i mean} AC: you know what, i totally don't. AC: could you explain? GC: {wow okay fine} GC: {let me bold it} GC: {blackblooded mutant} GC: {still alive} GC: {kicking it} AC: because just between the two of us, i have to admit, i kind of am sur AC: oh shit, hold on, someone gave this pupa a gun and that's just unnecessary. GC: {haha what} AC: there we go! AC: sorry, we are back from these brief technical difficulties. AC: and it's not that weird, dude, she shouldn't have even got out of the caverns. GC: {did you just cull the shit out of a pupa while talking to me} AC: but tell you what! since you are such a fan, and you are so flabbergasted, i will AC: AC: what the fuck, no. AC: why would you even ask that? GC: {i am currently raiding a boat! there's nothing like the wind in your hair and blood on your deck, right? } AC: what sort of an asshole kills pupas? GC: {kyviar did and didnt you bang her} AC: no, i put him in the hold, and someone will put his lusus in there with him when they find it. jeez. AC: what i was going to say, before you hopped on that awful train of thought, was: AC: tell you what, i bet i could totally get you her autograph for your weird planetary fanclub, if you want. GC: {uh} GC: {sure why not} AC: great! who should she sign it to? GC: {just do gc that works well enough} AC: yeah, no, i am not going to go up to her and be like hey, please don't shoot me, i have a great idea! why don't you sign this photo and put it to gc? AC: i definitely am not going to smudge out a line and make it ac, so i can keep it on my mantle like a creep. AC: that is just something i would never do. GC: {fuck fine okay} GC: {put down something like idk} GC: {ronado} AC: you want an autograph from her to.. a fake name. AC: okay, wow, you are just steadily making this weirder. GC:{oh yeah sure im making this weird!} AC: i did not think that was possible, but that's okay. you've achieved it. good job, i think, except imagine I am totally saying that in the most concerned way possible. AC: jeez, dude, can't you even let me fujoshi transcribing before you're interrupting? GC: AC: finish. GC: {fu} GC: {fujoshi} GC: {okay so now youre the one making it weird here} AC: look, it gets ahead of itself, sometimes. GC: {you just took it into weird territory} AC: why do you even know what that word means? GC: {should i be getting an ash in here to help moderate things i feel like im being poorly pitchflirted with now} AC: i don't know what it means. AC: also, ew. i am sixteen, thanks. GC: {yeah so youre only sixteen} AC: only sixteen? AC: well, shit, how old are your usual pitchflirts? GC: {uh like ten and up usually} GC: {i dont date pupas} AC: haha, wow, i thought you were a pupa, dude. AC: are you saying you are not actually eight? GC: {no im not eight thank you very much} AC: so you are older than ten. AC: but younger than sixteen? GC: {why do i feel like im getting interrogated here} GC: {quit it!} GC: {why are you so interested in me!} AC: well, you accused me of terrible pitchflirting, dude. if that's the case, i can actually pitchflirt, and defend my pitchy honor, but i will feel morally questionable if you're under eleven.(edited) AC: that is just my own personal standards. GC: {take your pitchflirting elsewhere} GC: {im good in my quads} GC: {thank you im flattered youre interested} GC: {hit me up in like a sweep or two maybe ill have a free quad then idk idek} AC: haha, okay, you're making this weird again. GC: {you made it weird} AC: but i am starting to think that's your specialty, so that's okay. AC: you accused me of pitchflirting, man. badly. AC: all i am doing is asking questions about someone who is a creepy fan of someone that i knew, and attempting to further the fun social connection we have built. AC: after all, you have my name, my age, my creepy pirate pal's name, and my hobbies, i just thought it would be nice to know something about you, too. GC: {ok how about this we just kind of take all of this weird pitchflirty goodness and shove it into a box and close up the box and duct tape it shut and i dont know} AC: doubledots sad underscore face doubledots GC: {throw it into an industrial blender and move on} GC: GC: {what} GC: {double dots} AC: holy shit, how can i pitchflirt with you over the internet? i am not even fucking with you, i am genuinely curious. GC: { :_(: ?} GC: {oh wait} AC: like, i don't know what you look like. you could be hideous. GC: { :sad_face: }(edited) AC: no, you know - AC: yes! GC: {it doesnt fucking work} AC: yes, so why do you keep assuming it? GC: { :cry: } GC: {is that what youre trying to make} GC: {because its : cry :} AC: i don't want it crying. you do not, sadly, invoke that much emotion. GC: {also what did i just fucking say} AC: i want it frowning. GC: {put the weird pitchflirting in the box and sacrifice it to the blender} GC: {no if ands or buts} AC: AC: AC: i am not AC: AC: i am genuinely just very thrown right now! i don't even know what to say! like, honestly, i am supposed to be checking the last areas, but instead, i am standing here, one hand on my mouth, kind of just marvelling at the sheer levels of what the fuck i am feeling right now. GC: {what did i just fucking say} AC: i am not pitchflirting, holy shit. AC: what do i have to do to convince you this is entirely platonic overtures of friendship and camadery? GC: {stop being weird at me} AC: okay, fine. AC: are you going to continue hiding your name like a huge weird coward? GC: {whats yours} AC: mighty. GC: {ronado} AC: dude, you flat out admitted that is not your name. GC: {dont fucking diss my name} AC: so now we have moved onto weirdo coward who can't lie. GC: {what the fuck} AC: that is cool, i will totally just ask someone else. i'm sure someone in here knows it, right? GC: {ill go asking around too why dont i} AC: yes, sure, go ask aa. i have been pretty consistent with the mighty thing. given, you know, it is my name. AC: it's funny how not lying works.

Kuanfu does, in fact, go to ask someone else - Merrem, over in #highbloods.

AC: hey, what's gc's name? AC: if you don't know who that is, he is one of the greens.(edited) CC: who. AC: iunno, he's one of the jades! hackon cleaver. AC: wait, no, it has a g. AC: grafting cleaner? AC: grafting.. cleaver. AC: there we go, that sounds right. CC: ...huh. CC: no fucking idea who that is. CC: let me go and back read that for you. CC: aint like ive got a thing to do thats better. CC: ...why you wanna know? AC: see, this is why you are my favourite person in this chat, as of this exact moment, right now. AC: he keeps asking me questions and then, like, refusing to answer mine? it's really rude. AC: and weird. AC: he also said i am pitchflirting, and, wow, no. how are you supposed to pitchflirt on the internet, merrem? AC: it just doesn't work. AC: that's how you end up in a back alley with scabies. AC: that is a bad end. CC: damn. CC: aint that some flattery. CC: you sure he aint flirting pitch with you, and trynna accuse you of the same? CC: cause its sounding like it. CC: and alexar. BI: Scabbies... that's a new one. :thinking: BI: You leave social circles for like, two whole minutes and you miss out on all sorts of new things. CC: like the scabies? AC: god, i hope not! AC: or i guess it could be i hope so, if he's attractive, but, like, he stuttertypes. i just don't know if i can hate a man that stuttertypes. AC: and yeah, scabies are a real danger to shady internet hookups, i am told.

The discussion of scabies, shady internet hookups, and whether or not BI/Bijoux is a pale floozy continues, but in PMs:

GC: {sure why not} GC: {wait which aa} AC: uh, the brown one? GC: GC: {which aa} GC: {i think theres two brown ones} AC: AC: wow, brown is an uncreative colour. AC: the one with the really shitty quirk, dude. AC: are you a dude? GC: {theres like a billion trolls that are red or brown or yellow} GC: {also they both have shitty quirks} GC: {and yeah} GC: {im a dude} AC: and you're a jade? seriously? GC: {yeah} GC: {so what its not so weird} GC: {im living with another male jade right now} AC: uh, no, it totally is weird, sorry. GC: {or well not right now right now im somewhere else at this exact moment but you get what i mean} GC: {what} GC: {no its not} AC: are you sure you're not actually teal? AC: or olive, those blend together, too, i guess. GC: {uh yeah no im pretty sure im jade} GC: {like right smack middle jade} AC: huh. GC: {like this is our standard chrome for jade jade} AC: post pics, because that totally sounds like bullshit, and i am betting you are actually teal. AC: which, it's okay to be teal, dude. AC: is it an ugly colour? yes. GC: {only if you post pics first} GC: {im not fucking teal} GC: {im jade} AC: but it's your colour, so you should embrace it. GC: {super jade} AC: of course you are, dude. GC: {jade as jade can be} AC: i am just saying, it's okay to have a little green in your veins. it doesn't mean you're not blue. GC: {im jade} AC: doubledots sigh doubledots GC: { :sigh: } GC: {listen you fucking suck at this}(edited) GC: {thats not a real emoji either} AC: at least i am trying to accept myself for who and what i am, a proud cobalt who cannot use a computer, unlike some of us. AC: that is a cutting reference to the fact you hate your own blood colour, by the way. GC: {what are you illiterate or something} AC: or are ashamed. GC: {i dont hate my blood color} AC: shame is an option, too, i guess. GC: {okay hold up asshole} AC: more sad, but. GC: {hold on} GC: {because fuck you fuck you is why}

--grantonCleaver sent fuckyouiswhy.png, of a picture of his unbandaged hand that got spiked during his fight with Hadean. It's looking a bit gross because you know, WOUNDS but it's clean and also unmistakably jade.--

AC: huh! AC: nice filter. is that a wound the nine sweep old gave you, or are you fighting with other pupa's, too? GC: {oh holy shit} GC: {i just gave you photographic proof} GC: {and youre still calling shit on me} GC: {kua} AC: what can i say, i know enough about computers to call bullshit when i see it. AC: and i just don't think i know you well enough to be on a last name basis, dude, i am going to have to ask you to stick to mighty. GC: {might fucking sucks} GC: {so does kua} GC: {get better names} AC: wow! AC: at least i have names. AC: did you have everyone on your ship call you ronado, too? GC: {yeah absolutely} AC: man. so cabin jade ronado. that's kind of a mouthfeel. AC: can i call you ronnie? GC: {weird but sure} AC: was the work hard? GC: {uh on my flarping ship?} AC: yes, being a cabin boy.(edited) GC: {wasnt a cabin boy thank you very much} GC: {it was good and hard yeah no different than being on any other flarping pirate ship} AC: hahaha AC: suuuure. AC: what did they call it, then? ive only been on real ships, so i don't know the terms. AC: deck swabbed? AC: lookout? GC: GC: {its literally the same terms} GC: {literally the exact same terms}(edited) AC: uh, no, sorry. AC: maybe they tell you that, to make you feel better about playing pretend. GC: {i was first mate asshole} AC: huh. AC: so a glorified cabin boy. GC: {ok now youre being a dick and stupid} AC: you're right, alexar. that was just me being a total bulgemunch, and it is also a sign that i should probably go sit down, take a breather and wash this blood off, because it is unkind of me to take my frustrations out on you, an innocent, complete stranger on the internet. AC: it is wrong, and i am sincerely apologetic for having done so, dude. AC: so, like, light. GC: GC: {uh light}

-- ayeayeCaptain [AC] is no longer messaging grantonCleaver [GC]! --

-- ayeayeCaptain [AC] is now messaging grantonCleaver [GC]! --

AC: also, i totally do know you, you dumb fuck.

-- ayeayeCaptain [AC] is no longer messaging grantonCleaver [GC]! --

[theexceptionnottherule]

September 3, 2020

I dont even know where to start. My life has completely done a full 360 and i feel like im stuck in park. From this pandemic to the government turning on itself to the passing of my beautiful grandmother none of it seems real at this point. It truly feels like a vivid horrendous nightmare. I keep hoping that i wake up and everything will be back to normal but as the days go on it sets in that this is my new normal. I usually say i embrace change but that is a total and utter lie i hate change or at least i hate change when im not ready for it. The abruptness both irks and scares me because it gives you 0 time to adjust and i have to just roll with the punches or get left behind. I so badly wish i could take off the rest of this year and hide and come out on new years eve. I feel numb some days and others i feel every single thing in the universe around me, like all my senses are heightened. I can’t believe my grandmother is no longer with us, it still doesnt feel real. It still hasnt hit me that shes never coming back, that that was the last time i would see her. I cant believe i even fuckin wrote that, that my grandmother is never coming back. That shes not going to call me on my birthday or be there for my wedding, graduation or for my kids. How is that even possible? Like that doesnt even make sense to me logically. Its like my brain cant connect those dots. I’ve never endured a pain like this before EVER in my life and im thankful for the last 29 years that i was protected from such agony. They say things get better with time but this definitely isnt the case for me as least for now and for what feels like a long time. I cant help but think of people like Ms. Colon who lost her only child, her daughter, Meg the Stallion who lost her only living parent, her mom and Vanessa Bryant who lost the love of her life and her daughter how they’ve maintained to stay positive, optimistic and bright, through this dark haze they are in.I feel as though they posses a level of calm that i am no where close to. How am i to ever really smile and laugh again, how am i supposed to feel protected in this big and scary world. She was the glue that kept us all together, she was the headquarters for our family. Eventhough she isnt presently here our family has never felt closer together. I love my family so much, the way we have come together during this time has truly shown our strength and i know she would be so proud. I would give anything to hear her voice or see her name pop up on my caller id. The love she gave me could never be duplicated not even by my little sister even though she is second place. My grandmother gave me unconditional love at all times, even when i wasnt appreciative of or even deserving of it. She never judged me or made me feel anything less than her sweet girl. She made me the woman i am today and i wouldnt have it any other way. My last living grandparent is gone and now its just us. I havent prayed nor spoken to God since everything has happened i feel as though im not ready for that conversation yet. Ive been wanting a change in my life because i have been feeling stagnant and stuck but never did i think the change would be this drastic, sudden or painful. There are so many things that i wish i could go back and do but time is a force that is constantly moving and i have to keep up with the pace. I wish the world would just stop spinning so i can just catch my breathe for once. Anytime i have felt stuck or needed a kick in the ass God knew exactly what i needed and how to give it to me. I just wish i was more prepared. The passing of my grandma has absolutely made me a softer, more forgiving, more sensitive, more compassionate, more understanding woman, its odd because i thought i had already possessed these qualities but now i am wayy more empathetic and sympathetic. The guard i use to have up to protect myself and block off feelings i didnt want to embrace (whether because i couldnt handle it or wasnt ready to face it) is completely gone, i feel so vulnerable and scared now. I feel a deeper sense of myself and feel more intuned to my emotions. I feel as though i dont know what my normal is anymore. Its like everything is up in the air now, i feel as though absolutely nothing is sacred anymore in this world, hell in this lifetime. Its like anything can happen at anytime and thats a very scary feeling for me. So much of my life has been predictable and regimented but now its like who knows what today brings. I wake up every morning almost flinching and bracing myself for a new day in 2020 because this year has been filled with soooo many unpredictable events. This year has tested me in soo many ways and it has shown me so much in these 9 months, things about myself, my circle, my relationships, my courage, my strength, my determination. I just wish i had time to just get away and recollect and recharge. I feel like as i approach this milestone birthday i am really starting a new chapter in my life. It feels like im officially on my own now and i have to get real serious about my future and which direction i want to take. While writing my grandmothers obituary i couldnt help but think of what i would want my own obituary to say. What accomplishments and milestones would be on there, what my family and friends would say about me, and who would attend. My grandmother eventhough she did not have many material accolades, she engrained in everyone she encountered the importance of family and love. Family and love are probably the two things ive had an abundance of and yet took for granted. Approaching 30 i now know that those are truly the only thing on this Earth that matter. How ive touched people and how ive made people feel is whats important in life, because that is what lives on after all your materialistic things are gone. I thought ive always been so grateful to have family but i now know that i wasnt, it just sounded good to say. I ache for my mother and her sisters who dont have either of their parents anymore and that all they have are one another. A sisterhood a bond unlike no other, they will forever be there for one another no matter what. They are literally all they have besides their children. The pain that i feel when i hear my mom say “now i dont have a mother” is shattering because i know she must feel so alone in this big world without her mom. I cant help but think about when my mom passes away how alone i’ll feel especially being that i dont have any siblings from her. But thinking about things like that wont do anything but cause me to be anxious, and i have to remember to stay in the present and make the best of the time i have now. I feel like a running theme for me has been starting over, i enjoy starting fresh i feel like it gives me a opportunity to try again. This is truly a new beginning for me and idk how to address it nor where to start.