#but my specific brand of it is that i get really self-loathing and i convince myself that someone somewhere is angry with me

[hella1975]

i hate reading hangovers in fics bc either not a single fic writer ever has written an accurate hangover OR mine are just weird and you know what i think i can tell which one it is. like where is my representation for the bitches that get incredibly depressed when they're hungover. like it cant just be me alcohol is literally a depressant. i have to actually police myself and my thought process when im hungover bc ive realised it just makes me unreasonable. i have to go 'we'll think about this tomorrow' no matter how pressing the problem seems bc i honest to god cannot respond proportionally when im hungover i convince myself the world is ending and that im an awful awful person and yeah okay i can see why people aren't adding this fun part of hangovers into their cute fluff fics now

[renaroo]

Other History? More Like Other MYSTERY

as in it’s a MYSTERY how the hell this got past an editor the week before Pride Month are you fucking kidding me?

I was kind of hoping for more than like... a week of being back on tumblr before I breathed fire and ripped a comic book to shreds. But we all know why I’m here.

There are so many preemptive things to get out of the way before I rip into this thing...

John Ridley as a writer in other forms of media has been incredibly accomplished and an important additional voice to entertainment industries. I do not wish to take away from that or to minimize the impact of voices like his.

But, you know, he’s a voice in media. Not the end-all, be-all to all marginalized people worldwide who can substitute his perspective for any nonwhite straight male voice. And I don’t think that has ever been more apparent than the continued spiral down the drain that has been every issue of The Other History of the DC Universe since the first. 

DC’s “new” approach to everything being canon and everything mattering is dumb and filled to the brim with ways it’s going to backfire and reveal itself to be the eye sore of publications that it’s aiming for, but I was curious to see how they would try to incorporate these characters’ long and contentious histories in the comics with the real world issues they often were billed to tackle, and try to fit it into the current pop culture landscape. That was the whole reason I had my eye on this comic to begin with.

By the second issue we were getting some stark warning signs because as much as I appreciated hearing an authentic perspective on how the Teen Titans brand carried on while neglecting its landmark Black teen heroes (Mal Duncan and Karen Beecher), there was a note of cruelty added to the issue that felt otherwise misplaced and uncharacteristic of the tone being set. 

There was no reason to have a significant portion of that issue dedicated to Mal and Karen’s monologues taking some aggressive words out on Roy Harper specifically for being an addict. 

Perhaps it was a quirk of writing from a flawed perspective or a show of how righteous upset and anger could be turned outward to other people suffering in a vy for your own empowerment. 

I’m now pretty sure that wasn’t it at all. I’m pretty sure because it kept getting worse every issue and it’s culminated in today’s issue where the retelling of Renee Montoya’s story managed to be petty, cruel, shockingly pro-police brutality int its adulation of Jim Gordon and especially Harvey Bullock, and managed to make a well-rounded and very beloved Latina lesbian and just retrofit every stereotype she never had before to her without regard for what it did to her story or to the stories of people around her. 

Honestly, lapsed faith and a poke at the damage that Catholic guilt can have on especially queer believers is kind of my jam, so it’s not that I wouldn’t be down for a story with that perspective. I could even understand exploring that with Renee. But not at the expense of her established history.

Which is a question all of its own. Here we have the skeletal structure of Renee’s life events that we have read before (in much better stories), but they are surprisingly out of order and also shockingly twisted in a way to make EVERYONE as unpleasant as possible. 

And in a way that has convinced me that either John Ridley has never read comics featuring Renee, or that he was mandated to change things that had no business being changed.

According to this issue Renee hated Batman and other superheroes? Which, ah, I don’t even know where that could come from. Ever since the animated series where she got started, Renee’s whole bag has been “the acolyte of Jim Gordon, only other cop who supports Batman”. Like I don’t even know how you get around that.

But according to Ridley she’s hated them all along as an extension of her internalized homophobia and self-loathing. Great.

What follows out of that is that apparently? Renee and Batman specifically butted heads over wanting to rehabilitate Harvey Dent? As in Renee wanted to help him and BATMAN was the one flipping out and saying Harvey was a sociopath and couldn’t be helped.

Like. I’m starting to question if Ridley has read Batman comics before. I don’t know where that interpretation could possibly come from? Bruce and Harvey were friends? Bruce has always held out hope for saving Harvey from his psychosis? It’s like. THE storyline for Two-Face.

The cop stuff... I don’t really know how to talk about the cop stuff to be completely honest. If you mention the LA Riots on one page and a few pages later try to frame it so that over policing and methods of brutality weren’t a thing until 9/11... I don’t know what to say to you. 

I’d say maybe I was being ungenerous here except there were two characters who got entire full page spreads about what good cops they were. And one of them was goddamn Harvey Bullock with the explicit commentary that Renee USED to be uncomfortable with his torture methods and general brutality but figured it was “okay” because he knew how “innocent people screamed different” and that he “never collared someone and it didn’t stick” because. Y’know. Police violence and falsifying evidence never go hand in hand. what the actual fuck ever right?

The timeline for Renee and Kate’s relationship is also completely changed which means that we get to add a trope I just LOVE as a lesbian personally, which is that lesbians can’t keep relationships and can’t keep from cheating on their loving partners. Especially when they are butch. 

And I’m not talking about Renee cheating on Kate. Oh, no. Ridley decided Kate was the Other Woman during Renee’s relationship with Daria. 

And just.. the cruel commentary that Renee had about both Kate and Daria throughout. It made my skin crawl. The way she talked about other women in general made my skin crawl. “Uncomplicated women” “Broken souls” “Can’t be with someone better than yourself”

So I actually planned to go into a full rage post about just the queer content because 1. my lane and 2. it honestly affected me so bad I was shaking and tearing up in anger a bit. Every single friend I know who loves Kate and Renee, see themselves in Kate and Renee, have been the same kind of mess I am after this.

The NASTINESS of the internal monologue. I don’t know how to explain it more than this is how poorly men think of flf and to have one use a character so meaningful to the community to spout this hatefulness has revolted me in a way I... haven’t had happen to me for a while.

I was going to talk about the weirdness of just... randomly deciding to retcon Renee’s parents into being undocumented when that’s never been a thing before and just doing NOTHING with it the whole while after. Or how it’s pretty questionable how Renee suddenly became so adherently Catholic when it’s never been portrayed like that before (that’s Hel B’s bag, JPV if you squint) but it’s entwined with any of her commentary on her ethnicity p sus too but I don’t have the nuance for that discussion right now.

Rena Rants are back and what a fucking JOKE this comic was. 

I didn’t pay for it and neither should you.

P.S. bringing back Tim Fox and calling him “Jace” is dumb as fuck too

[olivieblake]

KSIGJICNRJCNEHCBD HELLO HELLO WELCOME TO THE HELL THAT IS KNOWING ZUTARA IS EVERYTHING AND SHOULD HAVE BEEN WRITTEN AS SUCH !!!! wow i love that you are as angry as i was (and am every rewatch? yikes) this is amazing i knew you're my favorite but yeah wow man this really. confirms it whew high five

yeah it’s pretty wild how I knew this was what happened and was already bracing for it and yet STILL got completely misled by the narrative??? MEN I tell you MEN. I’m also going to use this ask as a method to reply to some of the other commentary if you don’t mind since this seems like a good place for communal frustration (here is my original post for anyone scrolling around lost)

@meg-hemmings: I agree with all of ur thoughts and I would TOTALLY read anything you wrote for Zutara … your writing is among my absolute favorite ever and I think you would write the Zutara dynamic so beautifully!

@one-man-propaganda-machine: I am - begging - you to write it yourself.

I... am not going to make promises, but I may have to. I want something very specific and that never bodes well for me. I doubt it would be more than a one-shot, but there are multiple scenes that could have occurred between episodes that would flesh out what was there (and of course I’d cut the final 15 seconds of the show, much like another epilogue I loathe and ignore)

@deifiliaa: omg atla discourse in 2021; olivie, i’d love to see what your character tier list looks like now that you’ve finished the series 👀

I’m going to put azula at the top. not because she’s a good person obviously but she’s FULL. OF. HITS. every time she’s on the screen the narrative gets immediately more interesting. she’s savvy and self-assured and I love it. her ending depressed me although I like that it was kind of about the loss of her two best friends? if that had been more of a focus I think I would have enjoyed it more but yeah, losing mai and ty lee could have been rightfully devastating. who among us is not totally obliterated by friend breakups. I also really loved uncle iroh; if anything that’s why I wasn’t invested in zuko’s storyline until close to the end, because watching him disappoint his uncle was very difficult (I get it, he’s a teenager, he’s growing and evolving and whatnot, but also I am closer to being his uncle than to being him so like, yeah). I also hope the peter pan revenge guy (JET that’s his name, sorry pregnancy kills my brain cells) did hook up with both katara and zuko. I love that journey for all three of them. I wanted more time with mai than we got, so there wasn’t quite enough there to love... but I was very down with ty lee interfering on her behalf. what a pivotal moment

of the core characters I think I was quickest to love sokka; the episode where he apologizes to suki and asks her to train him cemented it for me. I think it’s a big deal to show boys apologizing on-screen and owning their misconceptions. I like katara a lot—she’s what a lot of people do with fanon hermione. toph is also great, and part of me feels there is a strong basis for a ship with aang that balances their opposing energy, though I also like the idea of them being platonic besties. aang is... twelve. pretty much every time he was on the screen mr blake (a teacher) was like “man, aang is such a seventh grader,” so it was nice how convincing that was for his emotional journey, but at the same time it was hard to forget he was in seventh grade. appa and momo are STARS. I am sure I have mentioned this before but mr blake really loves animals and he was devastated by appa’s kidnapping; he hugged our dog for about ten minutes after aang found appa. after he decided I was zuko, he speculated that he is closest to aang but he’s not happy about it lol. “ugh, aang and I are such boring pacifists” was I believe his take on the subject

@libbynico, who for some reason I can’t tag: so true! katara was literally something like a mother/older sister figure to aang the entire time, but whatever

yeah, I think it really sucks that katara, as the emotionally nurturing character, felt shoved into the role of love interest. it’s everything wrong with the distribution of emotional labor in male-female relationships but sure, WHATEVER, apparently nobody thought to ask me in 2008

@touslesnoms: I liked “such selfish prayers” by andromeda3116 if you ever decide to read zutara after the series; the worst prisoner by emletish is super funny too

thanks for the recs! I will take them. I do want something very specific so I will be accepting recs until I find it lol. or until I lose composure and write it (yeah this is me WITH my composure, no wonder mr blake thinks I’m zuko, “I’m never happy” indeed)

@gaeleria: THANK YOU!!! Ugh omg that “I’m confused” kiss scene made me actively hate the ending. I knew ahead of time they were endgame, so I tried to make myself accept it early on. Like, I really didn’t like the pairing, but I wasn’t going to be emotionally invested in the romance and it was just going to be like, whatevs. AND THEN THEY WROTE THAT SCENE??! 1000% no. What was even the point of that scene? If they had written it to make Aang have some introspection and realize it’s not all about him, Katara’s feelings matter too, or even apologize, or anything… but no, there was literally no point to that scene. No character growth, it was never mentioned again. Ugh.

this is in answer to both you and beloved @zabbini: yeah this was a fuck-up for sure lol. I think it may come down to editing for time; the series is very irregularly paced, what with the majority of the action taking place in the final three episodes of a 16 episode season. or maybe it’s just because MEN CAN’T BE TRUSTED TO WRITE ROMANCE but either way yeah this was a real misstep and just truly, truly reeked of a particular (white) male attitude about how women think and what they owe. had a bad day, dudes? buy a gun, kiss your forever girl, do whatever you want and it’s fine! (I’m exaggerating but barely)

in terms of what’s so angering for me: a character like katara who previously had tons of agency was robbed of it when it came to her romantic arc, which is just really upsetting. and to be fair, I was equally upset when zuko instantly agreed to the agni kai with azula because it was like okay well katara’s extremely valuable, as you know, but now you want her to just sit on the sidelines...? (more of a story flaw than a relationship flaw, but my chest sunk a little at the idea that katara was going to sit by and watch as an accessory to zuko’s story when she’s a crucial weapon in their collective fight. what a waste, right?) 

it’s also especially hard to buy into the aang thing when zuko’s method of problem-solving on katara’s behalf is there for comparison. he asks her what she needs in order to find closure and then from there, does everything necessary to get it without having to be asked twice. versus aang, who is a twelve-year-old pair of rogue lips who never wins any of his fights without the aid of phenomenal cosmic powers...? ugh I’m getting off track but in the end there’s just a complete lack of understanding what female audiences want, though again, I don’t think they were really considering that at all. which I guess is... fair, it’s not the point of the show, but then why make the ending romantic at all? to show that their brand of hero gets everything he wants, I guess

in conclusion in 2008 I’m not sure the industry was capable of doing better, which sucks but isn’t surprising. still, it does fit the components of “stuff I write fics for,” which is I enjoyed most of it but find myself enraged by slivers I compulsively need to fix—WHICH IS STILL NOT A PROMISE but ugh I can already feel myself giving in 

[iamanartichoke]

What do you think Loki would think of Kilgrave (from the tv series)? Would Loki be immune to his powers? How could Loki cheat and defeat Kilgrave?

This question has been sitting in my ask box (among others - sorry, anon :/) for probably a couple of months and I think about answering it at least once a week and I haven’t answered it yet bc I have no idea how to express how flaily I am at the idea of Loki encountering Kilgrave (believe it or not, I never thought about it before! Loki teaming up with Jessica, yes, but not crossing paths with Kilgrave.).

I also don’t know how to answer this lmfao, I have no idea. 

Well, I have a lot of ideas, but how accurate and/or in-character they are remains to be seen. .

Idk, buckle up. 

Under the cut bc it’s super long and I’m sure only like three people care about this. 

What do you think Loki would think of Kilgrave (from the tv series)? 

I don’t know if there’s a word that would encompass what Loki would feel toward Kilgrave. I think that there’s a number of things he would think, none of them particularly flattering. I think that the most succinct way to put it would be that Loki would think Kilgrave - basic, is the only thing I can think of. A basic bitch. 

I say that for a number of reasons and it’s not that I think Loki would think Kilgrave isn’t a threat. Kilgrave is evil. Kilgrave is irredeemable evil; there’s no redemption arc, no coming back from the things he’s done. He doesn’t want to come back from the things he’s done. 

It isn’t just that he mind controls people, and it isn’t just that he kills people. It’s the way he feels (or doesn’t feel) about it. 

Kilgrave could be a sociopath. (I don’t know enough about the diagnostic criteria to say that he definitely is, and on tumblr dot com, I feel like I need to disclaim that right off the bat. I’m not armchair diagnosing here.) There’s no empathy in him, no remorse for any of his actions, no inclination to do the right thing. It’s the exact opposite: Kilgrave’s particular brand of villainy is rooted in this purely sadistic need for power over others - quite literally. 

He doesn’t just want his victims to hurt or kill themselves. He wants them to do it as painfully as possible. He wants them to suffer, and he wants them to keep on suffering even after he’s no longer there to enjoy it. 

An example: Kilgrave uses his powers to hustle a ton of money in a poker game, and one of the players confronted him. Kilgrave told him to “see how long it takes to put your head through that post,” and the poor guy goes over and is just slamming his head repeatedly into the post, long after Kilgrave leaves. This is a particularly horrifying aspect of Kilgrave’s ability: the person isn’t freed from the mind-control after Kilgrave is no longer there, and it’s not the kind of mind-control that can be broken with “a really hard hit to the head.” The victims physically and mentally cannot stop doing what he told them to do, either until the thing is complete, or they literally die trying.

It’s brutal and perverse. But it’s significant to note that Kilgrave doesn’t hurt/kill everyone he mind controls. Whether or not he decides to make someone suffer seems to depend on 1) how useful they can be to him, and 2) whether he feels like it or not. There’s little rhyme or reason. He will mind control someone to give him their cell phone, mind control a second person to throw a cup of scalding coffee in their face, and mind control a third person to cut their own hands off, and all three of these things seem to be the same to him. He doesn’t see making someone cut off their own hands any worse than making someone give up their cell phone. He’s not any more horrified by it, and he doesn’t even think about it long enough to attempt to feel any real remorse. 

In this manner, Kilgrave mind controls, torments, kidnaps, rapes, maims, and kills his victims and doesn’t give it a second thought. He forgets them forever once he’s done with them. (What makes Jessica the exception is a whole other meta.) He’s motivated by the feeling that having power and control over other human beings gives him. He’s motivated by feeling invincible, and will do whatever he can to maintain that sense of invincibility. 

These things make Kilgrave terrifying as a villain, both to his victims as well as to the audience. What makes him a particularly formidable villain for the series is that Jessica is literally the only one who can stop him. He loses his ability to control her, and she’s strong enough to take him down. She’s the only real threat to him. When one is surrounded by regular human beings who are completely helpless to this brand of mind control, it raises the stakes and frames him as a villain you are going to be scared of. Ymmv, but I mean, I certainly wouldn’t want to cross paths with Kilgrave on the street. 

So why is he a basic bitch? 

Loki may consider all of these things, and he may further be mildly horrified if he actually saw what Kilgave does to some of his victims (’mildly’ because we don’t know what Loki’s threshold is; who knows what kind of Fucked Up Shit he’s seen by now), and he would conclude that while Kilgrave is certainly a threat in his own, human context, there’s nothing about him that differentiates him from any other would-be villain out there. There’s nothing compelling about him; there’s nothing that sets him apart. His powers are the only thing that make him significantly more threatening than any other human serial killer who kidnaps, rapes, and kills for no reason other than that sheer need for power and control over a victim. 

I mean, Loki’s opinion of the humans is pretty low to start with. When Thor says, “you consider yourself above them,” and Loki is like, “um yes?” - I don’t believe that’s a response that had anything to do with the scepter’s influence and everything to do with the culture in which he and Thor were raised. Odin compares Jane being on Asgard to a goat being at a banquet table. The W4 mention “throwing around a little lightning and they see us as gods” (paraphrase). Loki grew up in a world that is both physically and scientifically millenia beyond humanity, and as a prince besides (which grants him a level of privilege above even other Asgardians). It’s only natural, I think, that he would see the humans as lesser-than his own people. 

If Loki encountered Ted Bundy on the street, he’d not be overly impressed. Likewise, Kilgrave is not overly impressive to him. In the most general “here’s my reaction,” sense, Loki thinks that Kilgrave is what we would call a basic bitch. It’s similar to how he used his last breath to tell Thanos, “You’ll never be a god.” The implication being, you may have power, and you may be frightening, but there is nothing about you that is truly remarkable and there never will be, no matter how hard you try. 

That all said, if we dig a little deeper, I think that Kilgrave would give Loki a lot to think about, in a way? Kilgrave suffered through medical experimentation in order to get his powers, and Loki isn’t a stranger to torture. And I think that, in a comparative sense, Loki would be somewhat reassured at the fact that he finds Kilgrave’s actions appalling. Even going through whatever torture Loki went through, he didn’t turn out like Kilgrave. Kilgrave does things that Loki would never do. (The mind control aside, but to be fair, it wasn’t entirely Loki’s choice to do that.) 

Loki doesn’t enjoy violence just for the sake of it. He takes no pleasure in hurting or killing anyone and, in fact, seemed kind of repelled by it (does anyone else notice how Loki rarely looks at his foe when doing the violent thing?). Loki would never kidnap or rape anyone, and certainly not just to feel power over another person. He would never inflict torture, either. 

I say this fairly confidently because the consistent thing about all the misdeeds Loki has done is that they’re internally motivated. Loki’s desire for power isn’t rooted in the need to victimize others; it’s rooted in this deep-seated self-loathing that has him convinced that power - not just any power, but the power to be a king - is the only way he will ever have any worth. 

He never wanted to rule Asgard. I don’t believe he wanted to rule Midgard, either. It’s like Loki is seeking the illusion of power more than the actual power itself. He wants the worthiness and the validation; he wants to be taken seriously. He wants his own abilities, specifically his magic, to be revered as any other warrior’s skill. He just wants to be seen. 

So I think on some level that Loki, when confronted with bone-deep, unapologetic, irredeemable villainy (for lack of a better word) would think, I could have been worse. Thank the norns I’m not worse. 

Again, I may be completely off-base or wildly out of character - idk, I revised this like 12 times. But this is just my idea of what Loki would think of Kilgrave and I hope, if nothing else, it was interesting to read. 

Would Loki be immune to his powers? 

Yes. This is another thing that contributes to how Loki sees Kilgrave; his powers aren’t a threat to him personally. This is because Kilgrave’s ability is a virus. 

According to Kilgrave’s Wikia: 

Kilgrave’s abilities are due to “a virus that he emits through microparticles in the air. His power was revealed to be a side-effect of the viral treatment used to cure his childhood degenerative disease. His ability is always active as he cannot stop his body from producing the virus and anyone within his immediate proximity is affected” (Source). 

Now, I’m no scientist, but my takeaway from this is that, because Kilgrave’s powers are literally a virus, and said viruses (viri?) have this effect on the humans around him, someone with alien biological insides (Asgardian or Jotun, for that matter) would likely not be affected in the same way, if at all. 

It’s like how ebola or HIV (or covid, ugh), is potentially deadly to humans because of the way our cells respond to the virus cells. Someone who isn’t human wouldn’t have that same response. Of course, it’s entirely possible that a different effect could occur, or even possibly the virus could affect an alien but the reaction wouldn’t be as strong or overpowering. There’s no way to know for sure but, my limited understanding of science-y things leads me to believe that Kilgrave’s ability would be useless on anyone who wasn’t human.  (As a matter of fact, I think that it’s revealed that Jessica was able to break free from the control because she’s enhanced and her biology is different, but I’d have to watch those episodes again.) 

How could Loki cheat to defeat Kilgrave? 

Considering the above answer, there would be no need for Loki to cheat; Kilgrave’s abilities wouldn’t work on him, which leaves him powerless while Loki maintains his arsenal of magic, along with the whole super-strength thing. Loki would probably just have to hit him a few times to take him out. 

I’m sorry this is so long, but I really appreciate the question! Thank you! I hope that this was a decent answer overall.

[funkymbtifiction]

Hello, it is me again, the girl that can not figure out if she is an ESTJ, INFP, ENFP or ISTJ. Yes, coming to think of it, it was probably lazy of me to just say “Hey, here are these characters you have previously typed that behave and think just like me, so what is my type?” instead of actually explaining why do I identify with these functions. But I have to say you really made a point by referring to the lack of substantial, concrete information given to you by me and my habit of identifying with a lot of these characters as Fi traits, which is something I had not noticed before. Anyway, here it goes:

Si/Ne: I have always had a very unhealthy obsession with my past. I still have lots of things and toys from my childhood and, like what you pointed when you typed Blair, I am always watching the same movies that bring me a sense of comfort whenever I feel out of place. It is something paradoxal, but, even though sometimes I feel like longing for a big change in my life, I always feel very distressed when out of my routine. Whenever I am about to do something I have been wanting to do for a long time, like starting college and moving somewhere I have always dreamed of living, I get very anxious and hesitant for a moment, feeling a sudden urge to give up on everything and just stay where I feel comfortable, if the change is for good (usually, it is) and something, ironically, I have been vocal about wanting to do for a very, very long time. To illustrate it better, it reminds me of Rapunzel getting out of her tower: something she had spent her whole life desperately wanting to do, but she is suddenly afraid when the time comes for her to actually do it. About Ne, well, I consider myself a very excitable person with a lot of ideas all of the time. My best friend said days ago that my habit of easily taking life-changing decisions in a matter of seconds concerns her a lot. I have, from month to month, random, very specific obsessions, and I can get very passionate about the subject, but it just ends abruptly when, one day, I wake up no more interested in that and then, there I am, starting a new fascination.

Fi/Te: Like I said, even though the other two functions are great aspects of my personality, these ones are the most recognizable in my behavior. Bossing people around, not even thinking about harsh things I may be about to say, demanding from the others all the time and being, overall, very direct about what I want are things that come naturally to me. I am extremely pracical in my work and have clashed with other people because of this very method of just doing it instead of learning, learning, practising and pracitising before actually trying. Speaking of learning, I hate to do it in a subjective way when it comes to my work field. However, I am also extremely sentimental, to the point of not knowing if it is a sign of low or unhealthy Fi in action. I said I identify with Hermione Granger, for example, because outright insulting people and proceeding to go cry in the bathroom after hearing they say they don’t like me is totally something I can see myself doing. Nevertheless, ever since I was a child I have been living in my own world. I have my own pre-set expectations towards life that, according to some (well, actually, all the people I know) are ridiculously high and, for me, it is all a matter of all or nothing. Another personality trait, which I attribute to Fi, is being able to always have a clear, objective opinion over anything and anyone. I always know what I want and what I don’t want, what I like and what I don’t like, who I think is worth my time and who is not, and people are always commenting on that, because it can make me sound very blunt most of the time. Marianne Dashwood reminds me a lot of myself in that aspect (and so does your amazing typing of her), as much as Sarah from Labyrinth does. Mary Lennox would be more like the type of Fi-dom that comes across as very Te-ish, another reason for my identification with her.

Regarding my enneagram, yes, that is me, you got it totally right in your description of the 468 type, which makes me think even more that, contrary to what I used to think, I am actually a 4w3 and not a 3w4, even though the 3 wing is strong in me, making my behaviour seem very 3-ish (which, according to Beatrice Chestnut, is also due to the Sexual Four subtype), as “faking being more of a hard-ass than she is” basically describes my behavior. All of that makes me wonder: is it possible for someone to switch enneagram type and wing over the time? I could swear I am a 4w3 right now, in this very moment, and have been prior in my life, but I can also swear I used to be a 3w4 from high school until a year ago. It feels like I have neglected the 4 aspect of my personality for a long time, instead putting all of my effort into my social persona during high school and, in college, my schoolwork and internship. I wanted to have this “mean girl” image in high school, so I just did. It felt boring when it felt I had made it, so, when I went to college, I wanted to be the best academic and most ambitious professional in my work field. I came to the point of considering myself a workaholic and have had a very unhealthy mindset during all of that time, but since last year, I just said a big “fuck it” and started to develop my 4 side, to the point of coming go believe I had been much more of a 4 all along, desperately trying to sustain an image that, once I managed to finally feel I had, did not satisfy me at all. Could it be, instead, my 3 disintegrating into 9?

Thanks for everything.

Generally when someone has a large push-pull / over-reliance and confidence in two functions working well together, it’s in the middle of their stack. What you describe sounds like inferior Si – you have reduced Si down to “sentiment,” which is more an NP thing than an SJ thing. With an SJ, Si is what they live every day and breathe: the factual details of the outer world, being present and active in it, learning and growing at a steady rate as they absorb and file away new information, often becoming experts in a chosen field of personal interest. Not wanting to let go of childhood, clinging to the past, dreaming and then becoming anxious about abandoning “what you know” as soon as it’s about to become REAL is far more Ne/Si than Si/Ne. NPs tend to live in fantasies, chase after dreams, and then freak out sometimes when they realize it means… abandoning every single familiar, sensory thing they have ever known or experienced. They throw themselves, either mentally or physically, headlong into things only to realize they bit off more than they can chew and retreat, abandon the project, or chase after something new and exciting.

Your “just do it, let’s not learn it or practice it” it is a very NP way of doing – just throw yourself into it and figure it out as you go (Ne/Te). SJs are more practical, detailed, and hands on in the learning process, and usually want a clear agenda before they start important things.

Enneagram wise… I don’t know. Nothing you said about 4 shows me that you understand on a deep “UGH… why am I like this???” dumpster fire of being a 4. If you tried on identities in high school only to discard them, and focused on high levels of achievement instead of allowing crippling self-doubt, having to wait to be “in the right mood” to finish things, overreacting to perceived slights, and adopting an anti-society stance of “NOTHING IS ME IN THIS ROOM” etc., that’s malleable behaviors – so 3, 6, or 9. Over-working and then relaxing as you get older could be 6′s line to 3 and to 9 respectively. (Why are you not a counter-phobic core 6? Faking being a bad-ass is pure 6. 4s don’t fake anything except their entire identity, in the form of militant constant “That’s not me” adherence. They are pathologically afraid that they might be normal, ergo their problems are solvable and therefore their ego fears of separation are... fake. And you don’t have to convince me – you have to face yourself.)

You seem more focused on the sx4 description than on Nanjarano’s entire description in which he bluntly and brutally lays out the self-destructive nature of the 4 and outlines all their problems in-depth. Read it again. If it’s “not you” it won’t feel torturous. If it is you, you just might burst into tears, or get furious, because of how true it is. (One 468 I know who read his 4 said she wanted to punch him in the %$^# face – a total overreaction… just like a 468 would have to having to confront all the crap they do, but don’t want to admit to doing.)

Enneagram isn’t there to make us feel good about ourselves. It’s there to show us the box we climb into and lock ourselves into it by closing the lid. It’s there to show us our brand of dumpster fire and give us the keys to freedom by forcing us to look the hideous truth of ourselves in the face and then choose not to fall into auto-pilot. Until you feel like you’ve been punched in the face repeatedly by an Enneagram description, you either are in denial about your type (as one of the more positive types who “whitewashes over all the bad stuff about me” like 9, 7, or 3) or you’re focusing on the wrong one subconsciously to avoid the EWW NO OH MY GOD WHY of the real one.

One 9w8 I know said she loathes the 9 descriptions because of what “doormats they make 9s out to be.” She refused to consider herself a 9 for several weeks until she caught herself merging with other people – and then she felt a wash of disgust and shame at having found her true type. She has told me a few times that her 8 wing despises her 9 core. It’s true we often prefer to focus on and think about our wing than our core, because the wing is far less painful. It’s like squinting at your reflection instead of having your eyeballs bleed. ;)

- ENFP Mod

[pass-the-bechdel]

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend season one full review

How many episodes pass the Bechdel test?

100% (eighteen of eighteen)

What is the average percentage per episode of female characters with names and lines?

44.4%

How many episodes have a cast that is at least 40% female?

Eleven, over half the season. Six of those are over 50%, and two of those are over 60%.

How many episodes have a cast that is less than 20% female?

Zero, unsurprisingly.

How many female characters (with names and lines) are there?

Thirty-seven. Ten who appeared in more than one episode, four who appeared in at least half the episodes, and two who appeared in every episode.

How many male characters (with names and lines) are there?

Forty-four. Twenty who appeared in more than one episode, four who appeared in at least half the episodes, and two who appeared in every episode.

Positive Content Status:

Mostly good, if a bit wonky; there were a lot of acknowledgments of real issues (particularly women’s issues), but sometimes it felt more like they were just shout-outs for the brownie points rather than genuine efforts to explore something meaningful. There were also a few problems with characters/relationships that the show never called out as wrong and therefore seemingly endorsed as normal, which makes it feel less self-aware than it appears to be at times (more on that under the cut). Altogether though, it’s never egregiously upsetting, and there is one subplot (ironically, one which has nothing to do with women) which was a true unexpected joy to behold (average rating of 3.05).

General Season Quality:

Fluctuates. It has a tone problem which can be confusing as it is unclear how information is intended to be interpreted, and the discomfort can seriously damage the comedy. When it is good though, it’s very fun, sometimes touching, and weirdly addictive. 

MORE INFO (and potential spoilers) under the cut:

I noted when I reviewed the very first episode that this is Not My Usual Flavour in terms of plot conceit, and if it weren’t for all the recommendations/requests I got to include the show on this blog, there’s about a 1% chance I would ever have watched this for my own amusement (that 1% comes from a very charming gifset of a scene which I presume is from the latest season; I’ll tell you what it was when we get there). One season in, I can say this much: I’m not mad y’all got me on to this. It’s weird and different, but it’s not painful (except, often, when Greg is around - we started on such good terms in the premiere but at this point I honestly loathe him). Against my better judgment and typical inclination, I am interested to see where it all ends up, working with the idea that as much as the driving force of the series from the outside appears to be romance, internally it’s really about these messy characters figuring themselves out and and changing their strange little mundane lives for the better. The first step on the road to improvement is self-awareness, on which subject...

...the main barrier I encountered in really getting into this show and relaxing to enjoy it is the issue of narrative trust, which is all about believing that the story is going to unravel and analyse its own content in a thorough, intelligent, and valuable way. Narrative trust is essential regardless of context; the same as you need it in order to sell the viewer on extravagant bizarro world-building for an intergalactic sci-fi story, you also need it in order to convince them that it’s worth exploring the comparatively small-fry and banal character motivations in a prescription rom-com. As a part of its initial conceit, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend promises to deconstruct its own deliberately-inflammatory title (it makes this promise at the beginning of every episode, in its annoying opening title sequence); Rebecca’s mental state and the journey it takes her on is the core of the narrative, and we are being asked to trust that the show will follow through on the unraveling and analysing of that content. For the most part, it does follow through, but it also intermittently falls short in two key arenas which lead to the damaged narrative trust: tonal consistency, and secondary character reinforcement.

When I was five episodes in, I discussed this show with a friend who had watched for a while (he wasn’t sure how far in he got, in the end) before eventually giving up; at that point, I wasn’t sure what to say about the show or even if I considered myself to be enjoying it, and my friend agreed that the problem I was having was the same problem that made him quit the show: tonal confusion. Part of that is about being unsure at times whether you’re being invited to laugh at Rebecca, or just at the situation; at times the show seems to make light of extremely serious emotional issues, and at others it is very sympathetic to Rebecca’s struggles; sometimes disturbing behaviour is not framed by the narrative as being worth calling out, and then sometimes, the chastisement Rebecca receives feels undeserved, over-the-top, or unfair to the wider context of her mental state. The inclusion of musical numbers can occasionally contribute to the tonal inconsistency in a big way, as some of the more shoe-horned in pieces come out of nowhere, do not revolve around topics of vital importance to the episode, or the style of the music itself can be un-ironically incongruous with the mood of the scene (and sometimes it’s just...a bad time to interrupt with a song). Basically, tonal inconsistency can nullify standard narrative conventions and the expectations we are trained to associate with them, because we can’t predict intention; is this cliche meaningful, or incidental? Are they going to acknowledge it at all, and if they don’t, is it deliberate, or an oversight? Are they going to subvert it, or play it straight? A consistent tone means that we can trust the narrative to handle content in a specific way, and in turn we can decide if that’s something we want to return for episode after episode, or not. This is also something that can significantly impact the perception of the show’s approach to social issues, as the spotty follow-up on acknowledged challenges for women can give the impression of paying lip service rather than actually delving in to the problem; you just don’t know if this is gonna be an episode that could be bothered to analyse its own content, or if it’s gonna brush it off; and if it does brush it off, is it because the creators don’t believe that issue is really important, or is exploring it just inconvenient to the story they’re telling right now? You just can’t trust the answer to be the same twice in a row, and consequently, the reaction to a new plot thread or subject is more likely to be apprehension at not knowing where this is headed, instead of engaged interest in going along for the ride to find out.

A big contributor to tonal inconsistency (and a victim of the same, in a feedback-loop kind of way) is secondary character reinforcement, by which I mean, the reinforcement of themes or behavioural standards for the protagonist as reflected by secondary characters. Paula is the character who most fully exemplifies this, as she encourages Rebecca’s worst impulses (including getting angry with her or ignoring her wishes when Rebecca tries to exercise self-restraint or break unhealthy patterns), she commits various criminal acts (some with Rebecca, but also some without Rebecca’s knowledge), and she invades the privacy of almost every character involved in the situation and even takes steps to manufacture their behaviour without their knowledge. Paula’s obsession with Rebecca’s love-life is often more terrifying and troublesome than Rebecca’s obsession with Josh, and while the show at times acknowledges that Paula is being outrageous, it pretty consistently fails to actually call out that behaviour or brand it as Bad News on the same level as anything Rebecca does - Paula’s behaviour is mostly put forward as overzealous but, eh, normal enough. The show holds Rebecca to a completely different standard of behaviour, and narratively punishes her for overstepping those bounds even as the character next to her leaps straight past the same barrier without a word. And Paula isn’t the only one - Greg is the other big sinner in terms of unchallenged poor behaviour, and his smug self-righteousness and tendency to be packaged as some kind of down-on-his-luck ‘complicated intellectual’ (as if that earns him special allowances for being a total prat) is what makes me so much more infuriated by his character (also, it’s a sexist double-standard to allow Greg more moral leeway for his ‘issues’, most of which are just self-generated prideful whinings). And then there are issues like Rebecca’s mother being let off the hook for intense life-long emotional abuse because she said she was just doing it to toughen Rebecca up, as if that makes severe psychological damage acceptable, or Valencia’s abusively controlling attitude with Josh, which I spent the entire season waiting to have explicitly denounced only to end up with her dumping him for not delivering the marriage proposal she had decided she deserved (something which the show kinda approached as reasonable, as if Josh ‘owed’ Valencia marriage after they’d been together for so long). When the show calls out some behaviour but is curiously mute on others, and when some characters are held to different standards to the rest, consistency takes a hit, and narrative trust runs a little short. If you’re left frustrated by hypocritical or contradictory attitudes and you can’t tell if some things are going uncontested for a reason or just out of ignorance, that’s not a good state to be in when you’re trying to also enjoy something. And in the context of this blog, the lack of narrative trust often led me to dismiss progressive-sounding lines or moments because I had no faith in the idea that the show meant what it said or was gonna follow through with relevant action.

As is often the case with complaints, the above probably sounds like a more dire flaw than it is in practice (I say probably; depends if they fix the issue or not, because if it persists across the series it could be crippling). The good news is, there was still plenty to like in season one, some good character development and emotional exploration that I hope is bolstered in the long-term as the show continues, and there was that one thing which really genuinely surprised and impressed me, which was Darryl’s bisexual coming-out. I figured the show would give us a token gay (and I’d picked White Josh as the one long before he was revealed to be so), but I did not expect that to be paired with the revelations of a second queer character, let alone that the journey of that character’s sexuality would be so low-key and wonderful. Darryl wades through some ugly internalised homophobia in order to make peace with himself, but that conflict doesn’t create drama; it creates hesitance. White Josh accepts no shit and protects himself from being hurt by Darryl’s discovery process, but he is also unfailingly understanding, highlighting the issues with Darryl’s thinking without getting personally offended or losing his temper, giving Darryl the tools to mend his problems on his own terms without ever revoking his support in the meantime. Because the subplot is so undramatic, it’s easy to overlook just how healthy it is, and it is able to dig in to a variety of real troubles that people may often encounter in actual life, but without painting those troubles as all-encompassing soul-destroying growing pains inevitably associated with coming out and/or living as a queer person in our society. We really need more of that in the world, more acknowledgment of the nuance that goes beyond garden-variety open bigotry, and especially more queer stories that are complicated without being depressing. The tact and attention to detail in Darryl and White Josh’s story is the single thing, above all others, which gives me hope for the future of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. It may yet earn my trust.

[sundayatbest-blog]

HOW to get motivated to workout!

I used to be that girl that would loathe the thought of exercising. “At least I thought about working out today” I would say to myself to make me feel less guilty as I dove into a bag of m&ms. Sure, I still get those days where I’m tired & I talk myself out of a workout. But the way I view exercising has completely changed – I’d love to share with you how I get motivated to workout!

1. SET YOURSELF UP FOR SUCCESS

For me, the worst thing is when I arrive at the location of my workout (the gym, the park, etc.) and realize I forgot my hat or hair elastic. Then continue to try and run whilst eating my hair.. which is not the most enjoyable feeling. Make sure you get all the things ready prior to heading out the door that can make you have the most enjoyable workout possible.

Make yourself a checklist (whether its a mental checklist or a list in your phone!) – if you read further on, I made a list of all my gym bag essentials – but at the very least just make sure your clothes are comfy, your shoes aren’t giving  you blisters, your hair is out of your face -then girl, you are good to go!

As simple as these things are – they can make all the difference how you feel during and after your workout!

2. PUMP UP THE JAMZ

Listening to music with upbeat, energetic vibes is one of the main things that can pick me up from a slump and inject that lively energy into me and help motivate me to start working out.

My fave genres of music to workout to are Hip-Hop & EDM – but really anything with a fast paced, powerful sound to it can get me going! Keep yourself a specific playlist for the gym so that you can relate those songs to feeling strong every time you go for a workout! Constantly updating your workout playlist with newer songs can help inspire you to get that booty moving!

3. PRE-WORKOUT

Pre-workout has changed my life – no I’m not a doctor and yes you should consult your GP before implementing any new supplements into your weekly routine. That being said, I’ve done a bit of research on which pre-workout supplements are more natural and less harsh on your body. There’s a few good options out there, but be careful when choosing as there are certain brands that can give you weird side effects such as itchiness. I’m pretty sensitive, so I usually only use half a scoop of pre-workout on days I’m feeling really run down. It gives me mental focus and an energy boost to ensure I have a great, sweaty workout.

However when I say pre-workout, I don’t just mean supplements.. stretching & what you eat before exercising & how long you wait after a big meal can affect your workout. I find I feel better exercising when I’m a little bit hungry (but not starving because obviously you don’t want to feel faintish!) and have had a very light meal or a smoothie at LEAST an hour before hitting the gym.

If you’re not keen on pre-work out and need a slight pick me up – ice coffee or green coffee bean extract is my other fave options! (Did you know some of the Starbucks Refresher drinks have green coffee extract in them – such as the Mango Dragonfruit Refresher.. now I’m not saying you should go indulge in a super sugary drink before being all healthy & exercising.. but yahknow.. sometimes it just does the trick for me!). Just make sure you’re drinking plenty of water before, during & afteryour workout!

4. MAKE A PLAN

When I first started working out, I really only liked to go on the elliptical and a few other machines that I felt comfortable using – mainly because I was insecure. But having only those few exercises to do really limited my productivity and time spent working out. It took me a while to try some different mat exercises and machines at the gym – but once I did I found a routine that worked for me.

It’s always good to change up your workout so I try to always incorporate my favourite exercises as well always trying out new ones. I like to write down in the notes app on my phone my favourite workout routine’s and sets – that way I can quickly glance at it beforehand.

Don’t be embarrassed – I remember the first time I did hip thrusts at the gym I couldn’t help but feel like everyone was looking at me like a weirdo. But now I don’t even think twice when I do them and they are my favourite move to incorporate into every gym sesh.

Be confident with any exercise that you do. Remember that everyone is at a different stage in their health & fitness journey – never compare yourself to the person next to you!

5. TREAT  YO SELF

Go buy yourself some cute as heck workout gear. As I mentioned before – make sure it’s comfy. The worst thing is climbing the stair stepper just to have your pants constantly falling down on you, or your sports bra isn’t tight enough which can really make the boobehs sore. That’s a no from me dawg.

If you buy yourself a cute outfit that makes you feel good in – it makes it easier to want to put it on, workout & feel confident! Go buy yourself a water bottle you love drinking from (maybe even with a pretty colour/print on it to make you feel cute!!).

Also, having a proper gym bag is so important! I honestly don’t know what I was doing with my life before I got one. I keep almost everything in my gym bag & DAMN does it ever help me feel prepared!

Heres a list of handy things to keep in your gym bag:

protein bars

make up wipes/baby wipes

body spray (for after my workout ONLY – the worst thing is trying to breathe heavily during your exersize and the person next to you has strong perfume on..)

hair elastics,

extra work out clothes / hat

mini dry shampoo & hairbrush

extra headphones

water bottle

deodorant

towel

lock for locker

resistance bands

5. JUST GO

Just put on your workout clothes. As soon as you can – even if you’re not about to do your workout right away. Changing into a workout outfit is a simple thing to do – and makes it harder later on to talk yourself out of working out if you’re already dressed for the occasion!

Also try not to THINK about working out – if you can just drive to the gym or take those first steps outside for a run – that is all you need to begin. Sometimes even convincing yourself to workout is easier when you tell yourself to just go for a quick half an hour, then once you get there you’ll most likely end up staying longer.

Everyday when I wake up in the morning, I have a routine to the point where I don’t have to think about what I need to do (just like making coffee) – I try to do the same thing when I know I need to workout. The less I think about exercising the easier it is to associate it with any other daily ritual and just GO.

. . .

So you might be thinking to yourself,

“Gee Tara, a lot of these tips are ways to improve my workout session but yet I thought this was supposed to be more about how to get my lazy ass off the couch?”

– I strongly believe that being motivated to workout & feeling uplifted during a workout goes hand in hand! The more you associate good rewards in the brain with exercising  – the more likely you are to think positively about it the next time. The more often you enjoy yourself (in any situation in life) – you’ll grow a greater tendency to want that same experience again. Ultimately, it should make exercising feel less like a chore & more like a daily routine and maybe you will even start to look forward to your workouts!

I’ve fallen in love with working out, sweating it out & showing up for myself.  I hope at least one of these tips helps you find some motivation/inspiration for exercising! If you have any other tips you would like to share I would love to hear them!

Remember ; Every day is a chance for redemption ღ

xo

-tara

[wendella]

OUTLANDER Outlander Season Finale: Who Are the “Men of Worth” in Season 4? by Natalie Zutter www.tor.com

After last year’s Outlander finale, which literally shipwrecked Claire and Jamie onto the shores of America, I was expecting a bigger cliffhanger ending to this season—that the letter the redcoats delivered to Jamie at River Run would be conscripting the poor Scot to fight on their side in the American Revolution. Then I remembered that it was only 1770, and that the next big war was a few years (or, I’m going to assume, one season) away. Instead, the season 4 finale, filled with resolutions both neat and messy, ends on Jamie getting a much more pressing, one-on-one assignment that reemphasizes this season’s enduring question: Can a good man do a bad thing and remain a “Man of Worth”?

Spoilers for Outlander season 4.

The thing is, it’s difficult to care too much about Jamie being ordered to hunt down Murtagh on behalf of Governor Tryon, because it seems too obvious that, between the two of them, they’ll be able to come up with a solution. That could mean faking Murtagh’s death or smuggling him back to Scotland, and thus away from Fraser’s Ridge, which would carry its own bittersweet heartache, but it’s not as if there’s an ideological chasm between them—hence the low stakes. It also seems a far-off problem when this season was more than a little uneven, and I’m still working through my frustrations with how the Brianna and Roger plots shaped the latter half of the season.

So, what feels like the most appropriate way to send off Outlander season 4 is to return to the theme linking the past thirteen episodes—good men doing bad things, bad men doing things that might have positive ramifications despite their intent—and reexamine the worthiness of Outlander’s men.

Jamie: If I were Jamie, I would be feeling like a right arse by the end of this season. First he helps outlaw Stephen Bonnet escape, out of a misguided sense of goodwill toward a fellow immigrant in this new country, only for that to blow up spectacularly in his face. Of course, he has no way of knowing how the consequences of his act of charity will lead to his daughter getting raped by Bonnet, but it’s a sobering lesson in the dangers of believing the best of your fellow man. Then Jamie swings to the opposite end of the spectrum by assuming that Roger is the one who violated Brianna, beating him senseless without taking a breath to consider, to question the circumstances, propelled by pure rage. Brianna is rightfully furious at him—and they have one of the best moments of the season, when Jamie screams and kicks a chair in frustration and Brianna snaps, “No! You are not allowed to be angrier about this than I am.” He’s clearly wrestling with so much self-loathing that, after twenty years of maturing and growing beyond the hot-headed lad he was when he met Claire, he has regressed back into an impulsive thug.

But Jamie has also learned self-awareness in the intervening decades, as he demonstrates in his incredible scene of vulnerability, asking Claire if she and Bree think that Frank was the better man. He got the girl—she went back in time for him—and he still doubts that he’s good enough. Sam Heughan has brought so much depth and nuance to a character who could have stayed a one-dimensional fantasy; watching James Fraser grow up has been one of the series’ greatest delights.

Roger: On the one hand, Roger endures indescribable pain and suffering as a slave of the Mohawk—the worst possible time travel experience, all because of a misunderstanding he was only partly to blame for. On the other hand, every time he’s offered the chance to be the good guy, he finds a way to be unlikable. Slut-shaming Brianna for being unsure about marrying him as a virgin was difficult to watch, especially considering that the next time they see each other, she was the one to compromise her comfort and pledge her life to him because of his unwillingness to budge. He reiterates multiple times that he had the chance to leave and kept coming back for her, but we only hear that through his telling, which casts him as some romantic hero. At the last minute of the episode he comes riding in on a horse, for crissakes, but that’s more than a day after Jamie and Claire return to River Run, believing that Roger was unwilling to join them.

Again, these are the kinds of choices one would not wish on anyone—such as being told that there is a good chance that Brianna’s baby is not his, and that to honor the terms of their handfast would mean committing to raising that child and spending the rest of his life in the past. If anything, as much as their plotline aggravated me, at least it forced constraints on Roger’s decision, instead of him getting to set the stakes. Roger is not a bad man, but he has demanded a lot of Brianna; I’m curious to see them build a more equal partnership going forward.

Stephen Bonnet: I’m still so impressed with how Bonnet went from charismatic stranger to fatal threat in the space of one episode, and how just a few acts of specific cruelty did so much to change the course of the Fraser family’s lives. Considering how we witnessed his turn in the premiere, it was difficult to muster up any real sympathy for him when Brianna confronted him with her emotional speech about how her child would be nothing like him. Offering up the ruby seemed like a rare moment of vulnerability for the criminal, but I suspect that was more of a formal obligation to contribute one positive thing to this bairn’s life than any regret for raping Brianna in the first place. Also, I’m not convinced that he perished in that prison, and am half-expecting that he will reappear, cockroach-like, next season to kidnap the baby that might be his.

Brianna’s son: Just born, and as far as I remember they did not mention his name. So, for fear of revealing the few book spoilers I stumbled upon in my research (ironic, I know), I’ll just reiterate that he’s a wee fighter and not tack on “like his da” since we are just ignoring his paternity. It was clear, though, that Bree was anxious to meet the little guy, in case she somehow saw Bonnet reflected in his face, but that upon taking him in her arms she was relieved to feel nothing but overwhelming love.

That said, from the moment that Brianna decided to keep the baby, there was no saving her plotline for me. But that’s a discussion for another piece.

Young Ian: I can’t feel anything but oddly maternal pride upon witnessing Ian’s character growth, particularly in this season but even stretching back to when he dragged his poor uncle and aunt across an ocean to save his overeager ass. The season premiere saw him grappling with the trauma of being raped by Geillis, of shaping his identity around what happened to him while not letting it define him; concurrently, he’s learned how to make himself a useful member of Fraser’s Ridge. Sure, offering to marry Brianna was classic dumb Young Ian; selling Roger to the Mohawk was nigh unforgivable. But he more than made up for it by offering up himself in Roger’s place, to live among the Mohawk and replace their dead member. Honestly, it was about time that Ian learned who he was without his blood relations there to protect him. And look how he made it through the gauntlet! That’s our boy.

Murtagh: It’s fascinating to see how the writers fit Murtagh into the narrative, considering that the character is kinda living on borrowed time—that is, he’s long-dead in the books, but they spared him in the adaptation. His and Jamie’s reunion in Wilmington scratched one of my narrative itches—that prolonged moment in which two souls, separated by time and distance, slowly recognize one another while the viewer is screaming omg, hug already!! But now not only are they caught up on the last decade-plus of each other’s lives, but they also recognize that they have landed on different sides of a growing conflict, due to their respective definitions of self-preservation. I’d like to see the series delve more into this next season, to really make it an impossible choice for Jamie.

Side note: Murtagh and Jocasta’s argument-turned-hookup, complete with her throwing whiskey in his face, was amazing.

Fergus: Under-utilized this season, stuck in Wilmington and mostly just reacting to the plot action when it comes to him. What would make Jamie’s dilemma more affecting would be if Fergus (who, it’s been established, can’t find work anywhere else) joins the regulators in earnest—making it twoloved ones that Jamie is contractually bound to hunt down.

Otter Tooth: The initial discovery of Otter Tooth’s skull made it seem as if he and his silver fillings would play a larger role in the season. While at first it was a surprise that it took only half of an episode to lay out his story, it also speaks to the utter tragedy of the failed time traveler. Unlike Claire, who finds a willing believer in Jamie when it comes to Culloden and other predictions of the future, poor Otter Tooth could not convince enough of the Mohawk to heed his warnings about the Iroquois being forgotten. Instead, he was branded a madman, hunted down, and forced to haunt this time and place, unable to bring about the change he so desperately wanted. Moreso than almost any other plot this season, it’s a thought-provoking story that Diana Gabaldon included, and the writers adapted. Plus, the post-credits visual of him in his present watching the two white boys play Cowboys and Indians was wrenching, and one of the series’ best of these little moments.

Lord John Grey: Poor Lord John puts up with a lot this season, mostly in the form of the daughter of the man he loves blackmailing him into marrying her, lest she out him to everyone. But this is the man who maintained affection for Jamie even after being friendzoned, who has proven over and over that he will put his own desires behind those of a child in need of a father, or a pregnant woman who will be dishonored without a husband. LJG is good people.

William: What a fierce, pouty li’l jerk. It’s too bad that we weren’t treated to the narrative weirdness of William’s half-sister Brianna becoming his stepmother, but perhaps he’ll reappear in future seasons.

Lesley: To be honest, I had barely registered him before he got his throat slit by Bonnet, but nobody deserves a death like that. RIP.

Frank: FRANK. His one cameo this season, in a number of revelatory and gutting flashbacks, was the perfect way to bring him back—especially since we see him through Brianna’s eyes, after years of him refracted through Claire’s perspective. But even Brianna doesn’t realize how many complicated feelings it layers on top of Frank’s motivations to know that he had the obituary the whole time and never let on to Claire that he knew about her supposed death. Not that I blame him, considering how she treated returning to their marriage as a consolation prize, but still.

George Washington: Presumably, but we only got a few scenes with him. I’m looking forward to (hopefully) more of the would-be President next season.

Rollo: Very Good Boy. Very glad he made it through the season and will accompany Young Ian on this new adventure.

[unhingemyneurons]

top 15!

ty baby! Since this is a long list i'm gonna do fav lyrics and memories with each song

1. Get Bummed Out by Remember Sports

"i can take care of myself, i just wish sometimes that I didn’t always have to"

my post-break up on repeat song. this line specifically hit so hard, i'm good at being alone but i don't always wanna be!!!!!!!

2. Myspace 2009 by Club Sofa

"sent a dirty text message, 'can i sleep between your thighs?' well I hate myself and I know she hates the mess"

this song is so sexy and gay and real, i'm obsessed w it

3. Ambrosia by Rosie Tucker

"nothing is simple, just 'cause you wish that it is"

another post-breakup song. i cried to this one sm it is so beautiful and melancholic. i adore the way rosie tucker writes.

4. Young and Doomed by Frank Iero and the Future Violets

"most of the time I'm convinced I survived and that's fine, but it's far from ideal...but I'll deal."

UGH this whole song feels like the perfect representation of becoming a bad, paranoid, and closed off person after trauma and like being aware of it but not knowing how to stop it. i fkn adore this song.

5. Altitude (This Party Sucks) by Mal Blum

"you know me so well, but not like you should"

I've been a Mal Blum fan forever, he's my fav artist to go on walks to. Long live anti-folk.

6. already answered

7. Gay Bar by Rosie Tucker

"saint peter clad in leather, she was looking quite salacious. but the fire never met her eyes"

more beautiful rosie words, i just love all of the gay imagery revealed through religious imagery she just Gets It you know?

8. I Eat Salads Now by Sidney Gish

"these sweet instincts ruin my life, there’s no progress, just good times. bitch, I’m wasted, just kidding, I’m high. we’re gonna go to a show, and then come home and probably die"

sidney gish is another storyteller i luuuuuv. she's very cheeky and has great metaphors and images and her words really hit home.

9. Better Go by Mal Blum

"oh my god, look at all the stuff you've got. does it make your loneliness more bearable?"

Mal again, i feel like in queer lit reflections and parallels btwn lovers are super common and i feel like this is mal talking to themselves and a lover that sold out simultaneously. also the beat is so fun.

10. Miss World by Hole

"i'm miss world, watch me break and watch me burn."

i don't even have to explain this everything about me screams Hole fan lmao

11. Brand New Beast by Rosie Tucker

"if I could shed you like a skin: brand new beast"

again, a breakup song, and again, she gets it.

12. Flowers in my Garden by Yasmin Nur

"watch me scream and suffocate, you're getting pleasure from my pain, satisfaction is all you gain"

Yasmin Nur is suuuuuper undderrated. This song perfectly straddles the sweetness of pain. Everyone go listen to her she's fucking incredible. Hard recommend Voodoo Doll.

13. M.E.L.T by Club Sofa

"i've been so unclean, i dirty up your sheets, at 12 years old I dreamed of his throat between my teeth"

I wanna paste the whole song in here. It is my fucking feminine anger personified. this song is so goddamn cathartic. alsooo this band is fucking underrated pls go listen.

14. Passion by PinkPantheress

"i never wanted them to end this way. and now I have to gather all my things. they don't know the problems that I bring"

cutesy self-loathing hours. honestly tho her music is super original and fun and she's an mcr stan which means she's just like me fr.

15. Clean Jeans by Remember Sports

"you got a death wish, that’s not my problem"

Remember Sports to round it off, song to scream and jump to bc fuck!!!!

[shinneth]

Gem Ascension Tropes (Peridot-specific: C)

Reference:

Primary Peri Post ▼ Primary General Post ▼ Full Article

Cat Smile: Per canon, and often seen in GA.

Catapult Nightmare: The last thing Peridot sees in her dream world at the start of Act III is a Jump Scare of White Diamond’s flickering face before she wakes up in the real world, almost jumping into sitting upright while hyperventilating before she realizes her surroundings have significantly changed, as has her own appearance.

Catchphrase: “Oh my stars!” (plus many variants), and “Wow, thanks!” per canon.

Catchphrase Insult: Per canon, Peridot is still prone to calling anyone and everyone a “clod”. Unique to GA, Peridot will alternatively call people “stupid idiots”.

The Chains of Commanding: One of the big sources of Peridot’s conflict in Act I, especially since she’s prone to making mistakes and making questionable decisions that understandably rub Lapis and Bismuth the wrong way. She gets better by Chapter 6, then gets Left for Dead a couple of chapters later. Peridot starts feeling this again to a lesser agree midway through Act III once she’s reunited with the team, but that’s a bit more understandable considering the week-long torture she endured among the other various atrocities she’s been afflicted with. Steven actually calls Garnet out on this in Chapter 7, berating her for browbeating Peridot into an authoritative role when she shouldn’t be expected to operate as well as she did before.

Character Development: Transitioning from Plucky Comic Relief to Hero Protagonist barely scratches the surface; while Peridot is still largely recognizable as herself despite her many changes, she’s shown to have layers-upon-layers of Hidden Depths. Even her relationship with Lapis was founded by a very heavy guilt complex – the details of which were so traumatic, Peridot forced herself to forget all of those details except for the basic fact that she felt indebted to Lapis. It’s revealed that despite her massive, domineering ego, the one Peridot is trying the hardest to convince that she’s awesome is herself. There are loads of unpleasant details to Peridot’s Homeworld life that she ultimately blocked from her memory in order to cope and better live with herself. Now Peridot can no longer ignore them (and in fact will be frequently reminded of them by the refugees she’s trying to help), but since Steven managed to help Peridot learn to accept that her past misdeeds can’t be undone and to forgive herself (since Peridot definitely understands by now how bad she once was and is desperate to avoid sinking to that level ever again), she’ll be able to weather that storm better and be the proper leader she was meant to be. Peridot was once weighed down so heavily by her guilt and internal self-loathing that she subconsciously deemed herself unworthy of fusing with Steven, which played into why their initial attempts failed. However, now that Steven has liberated Peridot from those chains as of Chapter 8 of Act III, she can at least fuse with Steven now and finally live her life and genuinely love herself as much as she’s grown to love others in canon. Around the same time, Peridot has also been able to make peace with her newly-revealed identity as an Unwitting Test Subject, which consequently makes her a Diamond just as much as she is a Peridot. While still uncomfortable about shifting her form to Chartreuse Diamond unless it’s absolutely necessary, Steven (knowing all too well what this dilemma is like) helped Peridot learn to accept Chartreuse as a part of herself and not just a shameful mark of a traitor. Being the only ascended gem in history and one of the two remaining Diamonds in existence has effectively made Peridot a very special and exclusive gem as she long sought to be, but now she’s learned to be careful what she wishes for from now on – the responsibility that comes from being this special is immense. While Peridot has matured enough to uphold this responsibility (and in fact proved herself to be a worthy authority figure to Garnet; consequently, Peridot now co-leads the Crystal Gems with Garnet from now on), she does lament how much she took for granted the easy, simple days of being insignificant. However, the massive load of work ahead of Peridot allows her to feel consistently at peace with herself, knowing she really is putting the past behind her while bettering herself every day to build a brighter future not only for herself and her friends, but all of gemkind.

Character Tics: Per canon, Peridot is very prone to making odd noises when she tries to speak and is having trouble conveying her message, or if she’s completely flustered and can’t concentrate. She’ll also let these garbled words out as an expletive when she completely loses her temper.

Chekhov’s Gun: Peridot’s Mismatched Eyes. While an interesting detail worth noting in its own right, it was revealed during Act I’s climax where much more important things were happening, such as Peridot having to be Left for Dead after coming so close to making it off Homeworld with her friends. Steven and Garnet notice Peridot’s eyes, but understandably don’t acknowledge them due to the circumstances. 

Fast-forward to Chapter 3 of Act II: in Peridot’s Video Will to Amethyst, she brings up that she found reports of having defective eyes when she emerged, but there was no merit to it as Peridot’s eyesight was fine and her eyes otherwise developed normally. 

Jump to Act II’s final chapter; Garnet speculates Peridot might have emerged as an enhanced gem after Steven shows off a video where Peridot displays some sort of inexplicable power. Amethyst reminds Garnet that Peridot can’t possibly be “enhanced” since she’s an Era 2, and while telling her friends how Peridot regarded herself as a defect no better than Amethyst, the “defective eyes” bit is mentioned. Amethyst is surprised to find she’s the only one Peridot mentioned this to. This inadvertently causes Garnet and Steven to recall witnessing Peridot’s heterochromia – which in turn freaks out many members of the team, as they reveal any gem with heterochromatic eyes who isn’t part of a fusion is the Mark of a Supernatural; specifically, Unwitting Test Subjects. It’s theorized (later confirmed) that Peridot was Hiding in Plain Sight as her visor kept everyone, including Peridot herself, ignorant of what she truly is. This becomes crucial information as they realize White Diamond must know of Peridot’s condition as well (after it was deduced that the Diamonds are behind the operation that creates gems like Peridot) and thus the Crystal Gems need to be on their guard even if they find Peridot, as she might be forcibly turned into a weapon White can use against them.

Act III’s opening chapter wastes little time fully revealing how Peridot ended up this way. White Diamond was responsible, and Peridot herself became a unique experiment to receive White’s diamond dust (heterochromatic gems before her had Blue or Yellow’s diamond dust instead) and a broken splinter of Yellow Diamond from several thousand years ago. Since no more gems could be made on Homeworld after the batch Peridot was made in, White effectively made Peridot a Chosen One; not only to have enhanced natural capabilities, but the ability to form a brand new diamond from her own gemstone and possibly evolve into a Diamond herself (later confirmed). 

So, in the end, Peridot’s Mismatched Eyes marked her as The Chosen One; a one-of-a-kind gem who can be a low-caste worker gem and the almighty Chartreuse Diamond simultaneously while being powered with her own will and desire, making her the most versatile super-powered being in history. In the penultimate chapter, Peridot’s ascended form fuses with Steven’s awakened form to create Iridescent Diamond, the legendary Diamond of Miracles. Keep in mind all of this stemmed from Peridot crashing head-first into a gate and destroying her visor in the process at the end of Act I.

Child Soldier: Downplayed. Peridot’s kind was never meant to fight, but she did spend most of her life armed with weaponry meant for self-defense with clear instructions to kill any potential foe indiscriminately. Additionally, she was inherently far more aggressive than any Peridot should be. Also subverted in that Peridot’s not conventionally a child – being a gem, she’s full-grown the moment she emerges. She’s just very limited in experience and ignorant of the nature of her own world due to existing for a mere 13 years, which is about as close to a “child” a gem can get.

The Chosen One: The randomly chosen one, more accurately. The burden of emerging as a Diamond hybrid could have happened to any of the thousands of gems cooking in their rock the same time as Peridot had. Ironically, she starts out more like The Unchosen One in Act I, before she learned of the truth behind her creation.

Combat Pragmatist: Up to Eleven in this continuity due to her elevated position; most notably during the final chapter of Act I when she assists in several separate battles/confrontations with a plan in mind. Especially prevalent when she suggests finding a weak point to strike pallified Blue Diamond, as well as her tactic for stunning Yellow Diamond badly enough to render her a non-factor for the final battle.

Comes Great Responsibility: Says this verbatim a few times in Act III in reference to the powers she gained post-ascension.

Congruent Memory: Most of Peridot’s regained memories on Homeworld are of this variety.

Constantly Curious: Downplayed and inverted, as she’s not only a Hero Protagonist now, but also The Navigator and Ms. Exposition for modern-day Homeworld, so Peridot’s mostly addressing curiosities rather than being curious herself. That said, Peridot still retains this trait and it will pop up once she is in a position to be the one asking questions when coming across something unfamiliar. More prevalent and played straight in the Post-GA stories.

Cope by Pretending: The unaware form; ever since her canon redemption arc, Peridot subconsciously discarded most of her Homeworld memories. Her rationale was that they were not worth retaining once she accepted Earth as her home and didn’t count on ever seeing Homeworld again. While that was a valid reason, Peridot mainly did this so that she would be able to better herself without having her progress hampered by the guilt and self-loathing that would occur should she reflect back on the many horrible things she did as a Homeworld gem. This coping mechanism worked very well for Peridot, to her credit, but the forced return to Homeworld made it impossible for her to keep up the charade any longer. However, Peridot surprisingly was able to keep some of her most traumatic experiences buried deep within her to the point that she fully forgot about them… until, of course, certain peers of hers were able to forcibly unearth this secret and make Peridot relive a moment that nearly erased her entire identity. While she was initially (and understandably) upset over this, Peridot understood that she can’t truly move forward with her life until she confronts her fears and traumatic experiences in order to accept herself and make peace with her very unpleasant past life.

Cosmic Plaything: Discussed in Peri-dise: The Capitalist Anarchy.

Peridot: “The narrative of my life so far… I get what I want, but only when I don’t want it anymore.”

Cowardly Lion: Per canon, but mostly contained to Act I. While Peridot goes out of her way to downplay this, having No Poker Face means pretty much everyone can see her fear as plain as day. In Act II, Peridot’s Video Wills feature her being much more candid with this trope.

Crazy Prepared: The main reason why Bismuth and Lapis waited for Peridot to reform before doing anything is because they knew she was the only one who could conjure a master plan for the rescue mission. Being the only one to have lived in the modern-day Homeworld allowed Peridot to consider several possibilities and additionally made sure her own teammates fit into her ideas. Most notably, she realizes quickly how useless Lapis will be on a world where water is virtually nonexistent (and it never rains), so Peridot not only has the foresight to bring along water from the ocean right next to them, but inspires Lapis to retrain herself to adapt to being in an environment where she has to more carefully control the water she uses and recycle it whenever possible; basically, to make more with less.

This inspires the Crystal Gems to follow her example when she’s the one in need of rescuing in Act II.

Creepy Monotone: Sometimes slips into this, which is how Peridot used to always speak when she was introduced in canon. Often is Foreshadowing to Peridot teetering on the edge of Sanity Slippage or Heroic Safe Mode. Somewhat of a Red Herring when it first happens in Chapter 3 of Act I, as Peridot’s intent was to channel The Stoic nature Garnet is known for. Played absolutely straight in the following chapter when Peridot initiates her plan to capture Yellow Pearl’s gemstone. Also played straight in any flashback taking place during Peridot’s Homeworld life.

Crush Blush: Is very prone to this, especially early on in Act I when she’s still trying to figure out what she truly sees Steven as. This happens almost every single time someone talks about their relationship while Peridot’s within earshot.

Cry Cute: Save for her Inelegant Blubbering in Chapter 5 of Act I and her Death Wail in Chapter 8 of Act III, most of Peridot’s crying fits (and there are several instances of this across the series) are this.

Cry into Chest: Peridot does this after giving Steven The Glomp when they reunite.

Cursed with Awesome: She turns out to be a one-of-a-kind gem who can become a Diamond powered with will, giving her a very wide range of abilities limited only by her imagination (and provided she’s not totally ignorant of the concept). Too bad Peridot never asked for any of this, since this all came about from being a randomly-chosen Unwitting Test Subject. She kind of had to go through hell to achieve this state she never wanted in the first place, and really has no choice but to make use of her Alter Ego now that aside from Steven and herself, there are no more Diamonds after GA and the refugee gems will need some degree of familiarity to cope with all the change.

[daydreamingnightdrinking]

The Sea of Ice

Caspar David Friedrich, 1823 – 24.

Do you recall the split second between the moment when you slightly loosened your grip on that fragile object and the silence before the break?

Starting from that specific brief wave of of time, an overwhelming sense of emotion swallows all of us up, from dread to exasperation to anger or even to sorrow.

Then,

there

it was,

…

…

…the shatter.

The swift and crisp cracking sound echoed throughout the vacuum you were at, and after that instant, you were left with nothing else but the broken pieces to pick up.

No matter who we are, what we identify with and how we were brought up (till this day), we are all broken one way or another. We trot along the the paths that were paved and given to us in life while occasionally finding ourselves muddled within sticky situations or crossroads that force us to make a choice that we don’t necessarily want to make.

It was said that without pain, there will be no gain, and that experience is the mother of wisdom.

We used to run with such carelessness that evolves into treading with carefulness, because of our unique wears and tears. The temporary wounds, that may or may not leave permanent scars, serve as our individual warning signs to protect and prevent ourselves from alarming situations. Sometimes we become too overprotective of ourselves to the extent that it may be sabotaging anything genuine and organic to develop. Life is pretty fucking difficult.

We’re shattered and hurt.

Sometimes we tend to lose a little part of ourselves that we cannot ever retrieve back from these fractures, just like the microscopic parts of the broken pieces of glass and ceramic wares that we’ve (accidentally? or perhaps, in a spur and flash of rage, incidentally? – definitely not judging here, despite never doing so) smashed. We only realize what was lost at that time when we tend to step on the shards that we’ve neglected to sweep up. After all, it is so, so hard to pick up all of the bits amidst all the pain. Occasionally, there’s a blunt bittersweet sensation that comes with it. Introspection and perhaps some objectivity accompany this feeling as we teleport back to the past and reach out and hang by some lingering, specific memories.

I’m imperfect.

I’m aware of my imperfection, and yet I still claw onto the notion that maybe, if I were to try hard enough, and be good enough, I’d reach perfection.

“(In) sufficient”.

“(In) adequate”.

“(Im) perfect”.

I consistently wager all of me on unfeasible bets. I strive to be the brand new, or if not, at the bare minimum, the pristine and mint condition.

It seems absolutely ridiculous to settle for less.

That way, perhaps the people who have left, or whom I have left, would have wanted to stay, or would have let me wanted to stay. I, or maybe we, wouldn’t lose and experience agony…so to say.

I break and it seems like a part of my heart gets cut and stabs every single time someone leaves. As we mutually, or forcefully drift, it feels as if that person managed to hollow out a chunk of me. My facade, however, will always look complete.

In plain sight, it seems absolutely ridiculous to aim for something that is nonexistent. It just took (more than some) time for me to notice that. I still tumble, then trip and fall back to the infinite prison of perfection frequently. It’s quite simple to self-loathe and to convince myself that I’m nothing more than a broken record of fuck ups. A little too easy, perhaps.

Usually after these tough farewells, I try, and oh, I really do try, to maintain and sustain myself. Ultimately, all I manage to do is to crash, burn, and fall apart. I’ve placed more effort than I’d like to admit into keep up and remain identical, yet always somehow end up to obliterate.

It’s impossible to persist in the same form in the face of destruction, so all we can ever do in the face of ruin is to realize that we will never, ever be the same as before.

Kintsugi © tsugi.de

I’ve always been fascinated with art, but as we all live, learn, and branch out, I managed to stumble upon a type of traditional Japanese art called kintsugi (金継ぎ), also known as kintsukuori (金繕い). Obviously, I can’t type Japanese, so I’m relying on Wikipedia, an article on Lifegate (always cross check your sources), as well as copy and paste over here.

Kin translates to “golden”, and tsugi to “repair”. So kintsugi here is the art of repairing broken pottery with materials such as liquid gold, liquid silver, or even lacquer dusted with powdered gold.

Pretty neat, huh?

I’ve done some digging and found out that kintsugi is also tied to wabi-sabi, which is a Japanese philosophy that essentially (in a nutshell) embraces imperfection and celebrates the beauty of it.

Wabi translates to roughly “simplicity”, and sabi to “beauty of age and wear”, and if you want to read more about it, refer to this page.

Needless to say, I am in utter love with the serenity and simplicity that kintsugi and wabi-sabi embodies already, despite the rudimentary knowledge I have for them.

It brings me an inexplicable sense of tranquility as I look at the works of kintsugi. Is it a bit presumptuous to compare each and every single one of us as some sort of kintsugi? We are all work in progress.

It’s impossible to keep ourselves whole and unscathed from all of the experiences and memories that we went, are, and will go through in our entire lifetime.

So here I am, telling you that it is okay – in fact, more than okay to allow complete obliteration. It could be the end of any of anything that holds dear for you. It could be an organic or inorganic destruction, really, whatever floats your boat.

There comes a time where we will stand still, observe, obsessively ponder, and be afraid to take a step. No one wants to deconstruct what he / she has built just to scrutinize every part to precisely see what and where it all went wrong. No one wants to figure out which part was fucked up. You see, to open and touch that part is to inflict pain on oneself. It’s not the typical, passive criticism that one casts onto him / herself of how worthless he / she is. It’s recognizing what part or what belief and value that he / she has that led to the final demise.

We all mess up one way or another. A lot of us don’t even have a heart of gold. We dive into actions that will stir up future regrets, and we swim within the depths of remorse fabricated by our own memories.

It’s okay.

It’s the cliched saying that it’s the matter of time. It’s always with the assistance impartial time. What we all deemed impossible to do eventually gets done.

The biggest remnants get picked up and pieced together first. Those are your core values and beliefs, and incredulous or not, you as a being that remained mostly or partially intact despite the harsh collapse. The salvageable smaller bits are the relationships and differences that you tinker and adjust to after the breakage. Those take some more time to connect back together after the damage.

The parts that you can trace and piece back together are important, but we tend to forget tiny pieces that we sweep and throw away. Those are the outlines of our individual works of kintsugi.

Allow yourself to recollect the people, experiences, heartbreaks and aches that broke – or is currently breaking you.

Without them, you are devoid of the golden silhouettes that fix you back into one whole (and perhaps a little more resilient) piece again.

There is no end without a beginning; there is no growth without pain.

No more harboring ill-will and keeping counts of the past, for darling, these old and new repairs are what truly makes you stand out.

I’m able to see the imperfection in others and distribute a part of me, and a part of my love to them. It has and never will be because of some savior complex. I’ve recognized my incapability to fully save myself, let alone anyone else.

They say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and I truly believe that the most breathtaking parts are your unique golden mends.

Don’t ever intentionally hide your flaws and fractures, because there are people out there who will love you irregardless.

Those are the ones to keep, as they are gold. Just like your individual cracks.

And yes, the dear past and present beings who were / are involved in my life – you’ve all made some sort of fissure, some sort of impact. Some positive, and some negative. Some of you shattered and broke me into multiple, miniature pieces. It took more time than I’m willing to admit to pick myself back up. In fact, I’m in the process of doing so now…yet again. Ironically, you have probably forgotten about me already, but that’s okay as well.

However, I still think of you as golden.

You will always be golden.

And I? I will not always be broken: thank you for the cracks and the lessons.

Obliteration as a Last Resort (and how this is completely, or even more than okay). The Sea of Ice Caspar David Friedrich, 1823 - 24. Do you recall the split second between the moment when you slightly loosened your grip on that fragile object and the silence before the break?

[chrisbransdon]

There is a sense of urgency which accompanies my belief that Jesus Christ is Lord. It undergirds everything I think, say and do. But it often gets me into trouble. My brand of urgency makes me volatile; I overreach. The bible warns against the passions of youth and I don’t think it’s just talking about sex. It’s talking about the youthful need to tear through everything like a hurricane. I wonder if and when I will outgrow this temperament. I’m nearly 30 and I don’t feel any less naïve, strong-willed, or convicted than I did when I was 20. So much for my flaws. But if I can salvage anything from this unfortunate personality profile it would be that, somehow, I find that I am able to make people believe in the things that I believe in. The only thing that saves me from being so insufferable that my friends would give up on me entirely, is the fact that I am so gosh darn earnest. I swear to you I could kill a man with my earnestness.

These days I don’t know how to best channel that earnestness. While the middle aged blogosphere continues to reel from the transition into exile, I feel that I have been preparing myself for it for years. I am afraid, but I am also oddly energised. I feel that I have a good read on the times, but I also feel that I could make a fool of myself. Whatever it is, I feel the need to write about it. If it all goes up in flames, so be it. But maybe it won’t even spark. I don’t know which would be worse.

I don’t write for the usual blogging suspects because I’m not sure we yet understand each other. You have the memory of a time before social media. You got to form as a person before post-modernism had infiltrated the school curriculum and convinced us all that truth was an elastic concept. I’m still trying to establish what I believe, while navigating the ideological whiplash facilitated by the constancy of my feeds. It’s exhausting, it’s chaotic. Certain leaders are required for times like these.

Jim Elliot once said that he wished men would turn one way or another on facing Christ in him. Such single-mindedness is a rarity online, because, well, that’s not really the purpose of blogging. I tend to think that anyone who blogs ought to have some degree of self-loathing for indulging in it. I say this because I am very self-conscious about the fact that the online world is not so much given to the work of evangelism or conversion as it is to endless discourse. I do hope and expect that what is happening offline is markedly different to what is happening online.

But if I only had the online world to go by, it seems pretty obvious to me why we are floundering when it comes to evangelism. My impression from the online world is not that we would force men to turn one way or another in facing Christ in us, but that we would have men think us reasonable and nuanced. I am told to offer people a coherent worldview, I am led to believe that it is time for us to revise our tactics for evangelism. At worst I watch leaders give ambiguous and open answers so that all of their bases are covered. In short, everyone is given over to a very middle-class intellectual bubble where ‘reasonableness’ is our gold standard. Ironically, ‘reasonableness’ is not necessarily defined by biblical truth, or scientific data, or you know, reason, but by how well your opinion is received. I consider this kind of intellectual climate disastrous for the continued growth of the church and especially for evangelism. It is a disaster because in prizing our ‘reasonableness’ above all things, we relinquish the very ground upon which conversion happens: the moment at which a man must deny himself and submit to the very unreasonable conclusion that Jesus Christ is his Lord and Saviour.

Oh, but why can’t we have both? The catch cry of the Christian intellectual: it’s both/and, Christine, you simple girl. I’m sure it is. I am just quesioning the insistence upon the both/and intellectualism which is popular throughout Christian media. What may be a charitable position in academia translates too easily to a lukewarm Christianity online. And because we have so thoroughly reinforced this kind of thought leadership in our blogs, articles and comments, we are dull in our voices, and we bar ourselves from ever making specific critiques.

Instead, we share Jordan Peterson clips and are careful to include apologetic captions, lest we upset the blogosphere equilbrium with too extreme a position. Am I the only one wondering why I need to look to men like Jordan Peterson (or friendlyjordies for goodness sake) to find someone who is willing to make a definite statement? I don’t even fully agree with everything that Peterson says, but the dude is saying something and in lieu of my own leaders who say nothing I fill the void where I can. And I know I’m not the only one! Tell me I’m wrong. We have all counted the cost and decided that to say what you really mean is too risky. To say what is truthful is too divisive. After all, why h8 wen u can equivocate?

You can’t be half in exile. You’re in or you’re out. That is the kind of black and white language that the rules of argument are suspicious of, but the gospel itself undermines logical fallacies and it bids me come and die. If you wanted one line on why I am not a feminist, this is it. Having died to the world, I die to its politics, to its ideologies. In this death I live, and in so doing I am able to offer life from the other side, with a conviction that I pray belies the magnitude and worth of the message I have been entrusted with. 

I am an exile for this position. I am a radical. And this is not a forgiving time for radicals.

That is where you, keeper of the blogging keys, come in. I’m not saying step aside. I’m not saying millennials don’t need you. I’m saying that it’s actually much better and much worse than you realise. It’s better than you realise because you don’t need to convince us that these are hostile times. To use a Batman related illustration: you are adjusting to the dark, but we were born into it. Our eyes have lighted and we can see the way forward but you guys are literally still asking ‘how did we get into the dark? What is the nature of the dark?’ It is almost comical to watch my leaders constantly fret over these questions. But now it is becoming more and more frustrating because what we need is for you to get on with leading us. And that’s where it gets much worse. What we need are men of character and conviction who are willing to live and die by the word of God. What we need are men who are willing to show us what it looks like to get smashed and get back up again. Part of me thinks that you spend so much time analysing the times because it means a delay on actually living in them. Once you finally come to grips with everything you are theorising over, there is nothing left but to get on with being hated.

And yes, I have deliberately addressed the men. Why? Because I have decided not to play by the rules of feminism or identity politics which would dictate to me what is the ‘right thing’ to say. And I say that with such confidence because I genuinely believe my theology. Christian men, I am looking to follow and work with you. But you are believing the lie that you ought to make yourself smaller. It is a tragedy. It is a tragedy for the women who are looking to follow you, and it is a tragedy for the young men in your churches. The complementarian women like myself are not always the most vocal online (ok maybe I’m the exception), or in your churches, or in your classrooms. But it doesn’t mean that we’re not with you. What’s the worst that could happen if you stop self-censoring? Julia Baird and her followers come for you? If Carmelina Read can survive it, you can. Stop speaking for the sake of potential critics, speak in order to give courage to your friends. Get smashed, get back up again. It’s not just in the blogosphere that we need to draw from our leaders’ courage. It’s in every sphere of life.

Billy Graham once said

Courage is contagious. When a brave man takes a stand, the spines of others are often stiffened.

He was extraordinarily courageous and yet I believe that the Christian men of our time need to display even more courage than that. I’m waiting for the first of them to stand. 

[ronnieletcher59-blog]

How you can Make Individuals Satisfied

If you want to make your lovemaking extra tough and also attractive, then you need to know real significance of affection as well as absolutely nothing could deliver you true meaning of passion rather like these wonderful passion quotes. You need to versed in a lot of capabilities such as analysis, convincing writing, as well as editing if you wish to make your occupation in essay creating solution. Only I haven't made a decision about the twinkle yet, since perhaps that will make it noticeable that I had heard their chat. As opposed to getting revenge as well as shedding your partner once and for all, why certainly not utilize these emotions to create him regret he poured you and also beg you to have him back.

Create him describe the specifics and maintain him really thrilled by succumbing to his imagination before you really do that. This is actually certainly not really the scenario yet I assume it is actually essential that we pay out truly close attention to our thought and feelings because our ideas generate our fact and also this falls to us if we decide to make our reality a pleasing one or otherwise thus enjoyable. An uplifting layout which will additionally establish the style for the event will be the backdrop. Portion a few of these funny friendship quotes along with the buddies which create your lifestyle a brighter and your times a joy. Recent financial challenges have actually required every person to create some difficult options when that relates to the home budget plan. In case you cherished this post along with you would like to get more details relating to yellow pages online phone book (relevant web site) kindly go to our own web-page. 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Charming life quotes are actually one such a way that are sure to take quick countenance your face. Cupcakes and also cakes are simple to make and best of all permit youngsters to make artistic decors, but today our team'll focus on cookies, primarily the kind that do not demand cooking: no bake cookies. The more our team can be right" as well as delighted along with everyone our experts meet, the fuller and even more joyous our lifestyles will certainly be actually. Utilize all of them as self incentive workout in order to get the required personal incentive abilities, which will certainly help you to end up being a so much more healthy as well as happy person. Ladies regularly compare themselves to corespondents, when you look at corespondents when she is actually about, you will certainly create her feeling as though she's inappropriate. Numerous researches reveal that becoming an idealist will certainly make you a less prone to clinical depression or anxiousness, be much more prosperous, and also a whole lot healthier both actually and mentally. Mam the terrific Dr i am actually pleased and also really happy for what you have provided for me. I am going to suggest you my pals on the market that have emotional issues or even health to contact him now using email oshogumspelltemple @ given that he has done surprises in my life and also i believe he could assist you out in any sort of trouble.

[apsbicepstraining]

How weightlifting has been crucial in my eating disorder recuperation

In firstly pointed, I told school teachers I was fat and needed to go on a diet. I will never forget the bewildered look upon her appearance. I was the tallest student there, socially awkward, all of 6 years old.

I’ve been haunted with nutrient for as long as I can remember, convinced I was fat, though I never was. As small children, I would flip through periodicals necessitate for women often older than me( though similarly preoccupied with their heavines, I would suspect ), reading about swank brand-new diets, determined to find the right one. There was the Two-Bite Diet, where you snack whatever you crave but are tolerated no more than two bites of it. There’s the lettuce soup nutrition, who the hell is self-explanatory��and fairly embarrassing if you don’t have a lifestyle conducive to nearly constant excursions to the bathroom. Low-carb. No carbs. Zero fat. Meal replacement rails and shakes.

I would waste the next several years fully immersed in this constant pursue for thinness and grappling with my disturbingly low-toned self-esteem.

Simple lunch. Chicken patty+ mustard+ luggage of smart pop popcorn+ Zevia Cola. 220 calories .

A post shared by @refugedenied on Aug 22, 2017 at 1:52 pm PDT

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I certainly wasn’t alone in my preoccupation with food. In one study of 5,000 men and women by U.K.-based Shape Smart, researchers found that women think about food almost as often as men think about sex: Nearly 25 percent of the women said they think about food at least once every 30 minutes (compared to 36 percent of men who think about sex every 30 minutes). Even more surprising: Some research suggests women will spend an average of 17 years of their lives trying to lose weight.

My own obsession with food (and how to eat less of it) hit its apex when I was a junior in high school. My parents split up; the only logical thing to do, to control was my body. That meant reducing my calories to 500 a day, exercising like a fiend, swallowing laxatives by the handful, and weighing myself multiple times a day. Some of my hair fell out, I lost my period, and I looked overall like someone had sucked the life out of me. But it worked: I was thin.

As you might’ve guessed, this isn’t exactly a lifestyle you can sustain. Your options are to continue on this path and hope you don’t eventually croak, or put on some pounds. “Eating disorders have the highest mortality of all the psychiatric illnesses–more so than major depressive disorder, schizophrenia, and bipolar disorder,” Dr. Lindsey Ricciardi, a licensed clinical psychologist who specializes in the assessment and treatment of eating disorders, told the Daily Dot.

I didn’t want to die, so I went with the latter of the two options. I gained the weight back (and then some), learned what binge eating feels like (not fun), and alternated between loathing every fiber of my being and maybe, possibly, kind of, not really, sort of seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. While my eating habits (as in, not ingesting) became a thought of the past, it would be about another decade before I ultimately moved peace with food–and that peace didn’t looks a lot like I had imagined.

. . .

Through the job I had at the time, about four years earlier, I joined a gym and was introduced by a pal to Olympic weightlifting. For those not familiar with the sport, the condensed version is it commits putting weights on a barbell and face-lift it. My “physique” could be described as flimsy, at best. I was a skinny-fat vegetarian living off salad and sprigs, ranging two miles every day and still desperate, even all those years later, to hear merriment within myself. Weightlifting firstly panicked me, but I soon discovered myself hooked. The environment was unlike any I had ever known. The beings around me were strong and fastest and most strong. I wanted to be like them. But I certainly wasn’t going to get there eating loot buds and croutons for dinner each night. So, I adapted.

“She may be quiet, but she’s a warrior- and her devotions can move mountains” @forever_protected shoot photographed by @fraziergraphix #foreverprotected #fraziergraphixphotography #crossfitgirls

A post shared by Molly Tilove (@ mollyeledge) on Jun 1, 2017 at 9:43 pm PDT

I wasn’t alone in my expedition. Numerous women who have suffered from ill eating turn to weightlifting–and quickly detect how good it feels to feel good. It becomes less about reaching a aim heavines and more about get stronger. These form( and imagination) translations are in no famine on social media. Scroll through Instagram and you’ll find countless girls who got out of their dark lieu and picked up a barbell. Sarah Ramadan, who goes by the IG handle @fightforgrowth, is one. Formerly hospitalized and scarcely big than a minute, she’s packed on pounds of healthy muscle and experiences better than she ever supposed she could. Molly( @mollyeledge) recently shared the story of her own strivings with anorexia, must be accompanied by binge eating; CrossFit and weightlifting have helped her get to a much better place, one where she is no longer controlled by food.

And there are many, many others. All one has to do is inquiry a hashtag like #strongnotskinny and look the endless brook of women who have devoted themselves to a life of well-being and heavy lifting , not a life ruled by the scale.

It’s been four years since I started weightlifting, and you’d is still difficult pressed to find remainders of the girl who used to chew up and then spit out her food because she didn’t wishes to “absorb” the calories. These eras, as a competitive player, I’m actively trying to gain weight. My nutrition programming compels me to track my calories and macronutrients. When the day is virtually over and I haven’t “ve had enough” carbs, I gobble another Pop Tart. I waste a considerable amount of season thinking of creative ways to sneak in more calories–all because I want to be bigger to lift more. My posterior has doubled in width and doesn’t fit in most of my underwear; some eras, I feel like I could choke a grizzly with my quads. I carry almost 30 more pounds on my frame than the ambling skeleton I used to be, and I don’t even care that I live in leggings because they’re all that comfortably fit.

Now, for the ironic percentage: If you were to say I’m a completely different person now, you’d be wrong–because I’m still obsessed with meat, albeit in a healthier lane and for a better purpose. I weigh my calories just like I used to, but it’s to make sure I get enough. I continue to tread on the scale, but only twice a week. I still jealousy other women’s bodies–elite contestants who I look to for muse. The same resolution, stubbornness, and restraint that got me to lose so much load all those years ago are the same traits that have helped me put on extra pounds, feed as much as some beings, and gradually get stronger. I still have something to fixate on and obsess over, but as opposed to controlling nutrient to examination any particular route, I’m restraining it to accomplish a specific task.

Sure enough, being able to keep these same practices even with nutrient abuse in your past can be done–it’s exactly a matter of changing your perspective, articulates Penny Fife, a licensed wedlock family therapist and attested anorexia nervosa specialist. It’s about redefining a calorie, hearing not to look at it as a bad act, and understanding that it’s a division of energy. She explained to the Daily Dot that there’s quite a difference between participating in this behavior athletically and haunting over it as an anorexia nervosa; and if you’re far enough into your convalescence( or recovered ), it’s actually not all that bad.

#transformationtuesday I want to clear my narration here honest but I conceive I’ve missed something important out. I am retrieving. Right now I am happy and prospering. But convalescence isn’t linear, I’ve said that over and over. But I recall I forget to talk about the fact that where I am now isn’t permanent. Mental health is complex, there is no certainty that I’ll be this stable forever, I cannot say for certain that another aspect of my mental health issues won’t prove itself a battle later on down the line. For the first time in my life I have some health coping devices and I’m going to make sure I ever try my hardest to use them instead of ailment behaviours but that doesn’t entail I won’t conflict. Mental health can be a life long passage. I am happy but I am not medicine, it’s important to be upfront about that. But I am still joyous with that. It is still worth it to recover even if it isn’t a solid potential for the future. It is still worth living your life to the fullest. The reality that I may still fight doesn’t take away from my recuperation and it doesn’t make it any less worth noting. #recovery #transformation #edwarrior #eatingdisorderrecovery #weightgain #bodyimage #bodypositive #fitgirl #fitness #fitfam #fitspo #fitnesslife #fitnessjourney #fitnessmotivation #girlswholift #strongnotskinny

A post shared by Holly (@ hllylzbth) on Aug 22, 2017 at 8: 08 am PDT

Dr. Ricciardi is a little more cautious, based on her know of working with many competitive and professional jocks: “My biggest wonder is are you done enough nutrition to meet your power necessities? And to what extent is the restrictive eating or intense practise affecting biopsychosocial functioning? ” she announced. “When I discuss standing strong in one’s recovery from an anorexia nervosa, I often use the analogy of staying away from the leading edge of a cliff. Imagine being at the Grand Canyon, and biding behind the rope in the safe neighbourhood. The further you can stay back from the edge, the less likely “youre gonna have to”‘ fall’ in your recovery.”

So it seems, then, that one can go from the calorie counting of disordered eating to calorie counting as canadian athletes with a specific food; but attend must be taken not to fall back into age-old habits. You have to understand your disease, your triggers; you need to sort out the playing voices–the ones that persuasion you into falling into hazardous province and ones that warn you to take a breath and step away.

While certain parts of my life haven’t changed, what has is my taste of beauty–which I see as a healthy sign. In my younger times, bony was pretty. I strived for lodge thin and waifish. I flip-flop through magazines and admired underfed actresses with their jutting clavicles, pointy hips, and flat chests. I knew that it was unhealthy, unfair, and most probably unattainable, but I missed it anyway.

Now, I’ve stopped chasing the thigh breach and go after thick-skulled thighs. I require a bigger as, a muscular back, strong arms. I’ve learned to admired the curves of my form instead of running away from them.

Furthermore, what I see in the reflect isn’t even the focal point anymore. I want to see what my organization can do. As a 118 -pound walking stick illustration, I knew what my form couldn’t do. It couldn’t menstruate. It couldn’t handle more than a duo gnaws of meat at a time because my belly had shrunk too much. It couldn’t climb a flight of stairs without getting tired.

That all changed. While the histories of my conflicts isn’t even remotely special, what’s uncommon about it is I knew a way out. Some might “re saying that” you never actually fully recover from an eating disorder, much in accordance with the rules that a former alcoholic is forever an alcoholic; they might say you are always an “addict.” But Dr. Ricciardi offers a bit more hope.

“The research, be included with my clinical ordeal, demonstrates that many people can fully recover from an eating disorder, have a healthy rapport with nutrient and their body, and never lapsing again, ” she said.

Sometimes recovery really is about taking it one stair, one day, one dinner at a time. The course finds right when the focus is on your well-being , not the jutting of your clavicle.

The post How weightlifting has been crucial in my eating disorder recuperation appeared first on apsbicepstraining.com.

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[flypaperforfreaks]

Sorry. You missed out on something wonderful.

From before I was born, I knew I wasn’t good enough. The testing, and the worrying-- I felt them. You didn’t think I could, but I did. You decided when I should be born, because when I was going to be ready wasn’t right for you. The doctor who delivered me declared me “perfect”-- a story you tell proudly--  setting an impossible bar I’ve been trying to get back up to ever since. I tried right from the very beginning to convince you: “See? I’m fine. I’m *better* than fine. I’m perfect.” But you had other ideas.

You’re very fond of saying that, when I was less than 2, you and I “didn’t get along.” This loaded statement haunted me for years, especially since you typically followed it with high self-praise about all the effort you put in to fix it. But as an adult, I’ve been able to unpack the idea, and I’ve decided that infants don’t have that kind of agency. Saying we “didn’t get along” implies I had some role in things; that I bear the responsibility for my infant interactions equally as much as you. This is false. You had a job to do. Your job was to meet my needs. You didn’t. Over and over again, you frustrated me, you left me hanging, you tried to behave as if I were a certain way or met a certain set of predetermined expectations. Even then, when I was brand new, you failed to approach me with a sense of curiosity and wonder. You failed to see the challenges I presented you with as a gift, as an opportunity to learn and grow and expand in a unique way. You did not want this challenge. You wanted me to fit into boxes and bend to your will. I was forced, repeatedly, to rely for my survival on a person who did not respect my right to individuality, my right to be anything other than what was easy or pleasant or desirable in their own limited view. These painful interactions bred anger and resentment before I could speak a single word.

Feeling deeply rejected and afraid, I forayed into childhood. I very quickly learned ways to please you, and did them smashingly. I wasn’t just good at school, I was the best. I was overly sensitive to the rejection of my peers, and whether I was actually singled out or just felt that way, I suffered from a great sense of isolation. But I persevered in my quest for perfection, because I needed you to like me more than I needed friends. 

But then you added insult to injury. It wasn’t enough that you hadn’t been there for me, not in the ways I needed. Now that I was 8 or 9, you expected me to be there for you-- you needed a friend, somebody to lean on and confide in, when you were having trouble with my brother, or my dad. Not knowing why this hurt so badly, I listened. And the anger I had no words to explain got bigger. And the hole I felt inside every time you told someone we were “close” got deeper. 

But I didn’t quit trying. I excelled at everything. I cried alone in my room with my feet on the wall because I knew you didn’t want to see it, because I knew you didn’t understand. Because you were uncomfortable with my emotions. How could you be close to someone whose emotions made you deeply uncomfortable? But you never challenged yourself in this way. You needed a narrative of closeness in order to heal your own tortured story with your own mother. I figured that out very early. It was never about me. It was only about you. 

There are two specific instances, about four years apart, where the anger and pain bubbled over and became irretrievable. In the first, I vividly remember crying under your arm while you held me, vaguely attempting to offer some comfort, even though you were the one who had embarrassed me. “Is this even possible?” I wondered. “Can the person responsible for hurting you really make it better?” Without knowing it, I was beginning to be able to verbalize the frustrating pattern that had been in place since my infancy. 

The next scenario we both know well. We’ve both relived it countless times. You’ve gone so far as to say that if you had it to do over again, you wouldn’t change a thing-- even though it devastated me, humiliated me, proved to me once and for all that you neither liked nor respected me. My perspective, my needs, my feelings-- those didn’t matter. They still don’t. You are unshakably, unquestionably right-- and being right is what matters. 

And that was when I learned to hate you. I couldn’t be indifferent; you were still far too important. So that burning, pulsating, screaming yearning I felt for love-- not the oxytocin-induced, biological, take-for-granted kind of love you are forever flinging in my face, but a love based on respect, caring, and understanding, an active form of love-- dissolved into resentment, disgust, judgment, and most vitally, self-protection. That was the moment I finally realized: you were dangerous to me, and I would be wise to proceed with caution.

I suppose we can fast-forward through the last two decades of your alcoholism, codependency, and emotional abuse. Because it’s really all the same. I keep you at the top of my list for “filling my well,” for making me feel loved or lovable or worthwhile. And every time I go back to the well, not only is it dry, but I bash my head against the rocks and forget, so I can convince myself to come back again another day and get different results. Because I could never bear the thought that maybe, just maybe, you were never going to like me, or respect me, or be able to differentiate my needs from your own. That would have been a loss too great to bear, a loss too great to grieve.

But in the past year, I have started to grieve-- deeply. Only I’m doing that wrong, too. Instead of believing in myself and my accomplishments and the worth that I know to be inside me, I have fallen into a deep, suicidal depression. I struggle with the question, “Why go on?” even when wonderful things are happening in my life. In fact, I think good things happening to me make my depression worse, because they are so at odds with what I’ve come to expect from you, which I extrapolated into what I could expect from the world.

But all of that is changing. I am turning the tables, and taking my power back. I am making a list, a list of people who show me, through years of friendship, admiration, and mutual respect, that I am worthy. That I am lovable. Not just that I have something to offer them, but that they have something to offer me in return. I’ve spent thirty-three years with you at the top of my list. No more. Because you are unqualified. You were and are too limited to see what a gift you were given in a daughter like me. You were too broken and your own well was too dry. So now, finally, I am going to stop asking you for something you cannot give. I am going to quit defining myself the way you did. I am going to heal this hole inside of me and figure out a way to feel like life is worth living, and that I deserve to live it, and live it well-- as happily and emotionally and as crazily and as hugely and as joyously and as freely as I can. I am not just here to please you, or to help you define yourself, or to make you look good to your friends. I have my own agenda and my own needs, and even if you are not impressed by me, that’s okay. I have a wonderful skill set and help a lot of people. It might not be glamorous, it might not be what you expected, it might not even be something you can be proud of. But even if you are, it can’t matter so much anymore. Now, sadly, I have to disempower you-- I have to morph all the anger and resentment I feel towards you, and the loathing I feel towards myself, and transform it into empathy. Instead of feeling frustrated by your limitations, and longing to help you overcome them, I have to learn to feel a bit sorry for you. I have to learn to feel sorry for everything you missed out on, not just things that you couldn’t and will never share with me, but on things you couldn’t learn for yourself. I am sorry you are hurting. I know your hurt is deep; you’ve been telling me for years, and I’ve watched you struggle with various ways to slowly destroy yourself. I have to stop doing the same thing. Your pain is not my pain. And your pain is not my fault. Just by coming into the world, I gave you an extraordinary opportunity. And you missed it. And it’s time I accepted that, and quit being mad about it, and started to celebrate all the wonderful things I am and things that I do, completely irrespective of what you think or how you feel. I have to learn to fill my own well. Or maybe I have to dig a whole new one, I don’t know. But thirty-three years have gone by in which I have felt unacceptable, unworthy, and unloved.

Enough.

I say, enough. Enough meaningless suffering. Enough suicidal depression. Enough empowering a person who destroys my sense of self. I. Have had. Enough. 

Let the self-love begin.

[apsbicepstraining]

How weightlifting has been crucial in my eating disorder recuperation

In firstly pointed, I told school teachers I was fat and needed to go on a diet. I will never forget the bewildered look upon her appearance. I was the tallest student there, socially awkward, all of 6 years old.

I’ve been haunted with nutrient for as long as I can remember, convinced I was fat, though I never was. As small children, I would flip through periodicals necessitate for women often older than me( though similarly preoccupied with their heavines, I would suspect ), reading about swank brand-new diets, determined to find the right one. There was the Two-Bite Diet, where you snack whatever you crave but are tolerated no more than two bites of it. There’s the lettuce soup nutrition, who the hell is self-explanatory–and fairly embarrassing if you don’t have a lifestyle conducive to nearly constant excursions to the bathroom. Low-carb. No carbs. Zero fat. Meal replacement rails and shakes.

I would waste the next several years fully immersed in this constant pursue for thinness and grappling with my disturbingly low-toned self-esteem.

Simple lunch. Chicken patty+ mustard+ luggage of smart pop popcorn+ Zevia Cola. 220 calories .

A post shared by @refugedenied on Aug 22, 2017 at 1:52 pm PDT

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I certainly wasn’t alone in my preoccupation with food. In one study of 5,000 men and women by U.K.-based Shape Smart, researchers found that women think about food almost as often as men think about sex: Nearly 25 percent of the women said they think about food at least once every 30 minutes (compared to 36 percent of men who think about sex every 30 minutes). Even more surprising: Some research suggests women will spend an average of 17 years of their lives trying to lose weight.

My own obsession with food (and how to eat less of it) hit its apex when I was a junior in high school. My parents split up; the only logical thing to do, to control was my body. That meant reducing my calories to 500 a day, exercising like a fiend, swallowing laxatives by the handful, and weighing myself multiple times a day. Some of my hair fell out, I lost my period, and I looked overall like someone had sucked the life out of me. But it worked: I was thin.

As you might’ve guessed, this isn’t exactly a lifestyle you can sustain. Your options are to continue on this path and hope you don’t eventually croak, or put on some pounds. “Eating disorders have the highest mortality of all the psychiatric illnesses–more so than major depressive disorder, schizophrenia, and bipolar disorder,” Dr. Lindsey Ricciardi, a licensed clinical psychologist who specializes in the assessment and treatment of eating disorders, told the Daily Dot.

I didn’t want to die, so I went with the latter of the two options. I gained the weight back (and then some), learned what binge eating feels like (not fun), and alternated between loathing every fiber of my being and maybe, possibly, kind of, not really, sort of seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. While my eating habits (as in, not ingesting) became a thought of the past, it would be about another decade before I ultimately moved peace with food–and that peace didn’t looks a lot like I had imagined.

. . .

Through the job I had at the time, about four years earlier, I joined a gym and was introduced by a pal to Olympic weightlifting. For those not familiar with the sport, the condensed version is it commits putting weights on a barbell and face-lift it. My “physique” could be described as flimsy, at best. I was a skinny-fat vegetarian living off salad and sprigs, ranging two miles every day and still desperate, even all those years later, to hear merriment within myself. Weightlifting firstly panicked me, but I soon discovered myself hooked. The environment was unlike any I had ever known. The beings around me were strong and fastest and most strong. I wanted to be like them. But I certainly wasn’t going to get there eating loot buds and croutons for dinner each night. So, I adapted.

“She may be quiet, but she’s a warrior- and her devotions can move mountains” @forever_protected shoot photographed by @fraziergraphix #foreverprotected #fraziergraphixphotography #crossfitgirls

A post shared by Molly Tilove (@ mollyeledge) on Jun 1, 2017 at 9:43 pm PDT

I wasn’t alone in my expedition. Numerous women who have suffered from ill eating turn to weightlifting–and quickly detect how good it feels to feel good. It becomes less about reaching a aim heavines and more about get stronger. These form( and imagination) translations are in no famine on social media. Scroll through Instagram and you’ll find countless girls who got out of their dark lieu and picked up a barbell. Sarah Ramadan, who goes by the IG handle @fightforgrowth, is one. Formerly hospitalized and scarcely big than a minute, she’s packed on pounds of healthy muscle and experiences better than she ever supposed she could. Molly( @mollyeledge) recently shared the story of her own strivings with anorexia, must be accompanied by binge eating; CrossFit and weightlifting have helped her get to a much better place, one where she is no longer controlled by food.

And there are many, many others. All one has to do is inquiry a hashtag like #strongnotskinny and look the endless brook of women who have devoted themselves to a life of well-being and heavy lifting , not a life ruled by the scale.

It’s been four years since I started weightlifting, and you’d is still difficult pressed to find remainders of the girl who used to chew up and then spit out her food because she didn’t wishes to “absorb” the calories. These eras, as a competitive player, I’m actively trying to gain weight. My nutrition programming compels me to track my calories and macronutrients. When the day is virtually over and I haven’t “ve had enough” carbs, I gobble another Pop Tart. I waste a considerable amount of season thinking of creative ways to sneak in more calories–all because I want to be bigger to lift more. My posterior has doubled in width and doesn’t fit in most of my underwear; some eras, I feel like I could choke a grizzly with my quads. I carry almost 30 more pounds on my frame than the ambling skeleton I used to be, and I don’t even care that I live in leggings because they’re all that comfortably fit.

Now, for the ironic percentage: If you were to say I’m a completely different person now, you’d be wrong–because I’m still obsessed with meat, albeit in a healthier lane and for a better purpose. I weigh my calories just like I used to, but it’s to make sure I get enough. I continue to tread on the scale, but only twice a week. I still jealousy other women’s bodies–elite contestants who I look to for muse. The same resolution, stubbornness, and restraint that got me to lose so much load all those years ago are the same traits that have helped me put on extra pounds, feed as much as some beings, and gradually get stronger. I still have something to fixate on and obsess over, but as opposed to controlling nutrient to examination any particular route, I’m restraining it to accomplish a specific task.

Sure enough, being able to keep these same practices even with nutrient abuse in your past can be done–it’s exactly a matter of changing your perspective, articulates Penny Fife, a licensed wedlock family therapist and attested anorexia nervosa specialist. It’s about redefining a calorie, hearing not to look at it as a bad act, and understanding that it’s a division of energy. She explained to the Daily Dot that there’s quite a difference between participating in this behavior athletically and haunting over it as an anorexia nervosa; and if you’re far enough into your convalescence( or recovered ), it’s actually not all that bad.

#transformationtuesday I want to clear my narration here honest but I conceive I’ve missed something important out. I am retrieving. Right now I am happy and prospering. But convalescence isn’t linear, I’ve said that over and over. But I recall I forget to talk about the fact that where I am now isn’t permanent. Mental health is complex, there is no certainty that I’ll be this stable forever, I cannot say for certain that another aspect of my mental health issues won’t prove itself a battle later on down the line. For the first time in my life I have some health coping devices and I’m going to make sure I ever try my hardest to use them instead of ailment behaviours but that doesn’t entail I won’t conflict. Mental health can be a life long passage. I am happy but I am not medicine, it’s important to be upfront about that. But I am still joyous with that. It is still worth it to recover even if it isn’t a solid potential for the future. It is still worth living your life to the fullest. The reality that I may still fight doesn’t take away from my recuperation and it doesn’t make it any less worth noting. #recovery #transformation #edwarrior #eatingdisorderrecovery #weightgain #bodyimage #bodypositive #fitgirl #fitness #fitfam #fitspo #fitnesslife #fitnessjourney #fitnessmotivation #girlswholift #strongnotskinny

A post shared by Holly (@ hllylzbth) on Aug 22, 2017 at 8: 08 am PDT

Dr. Ricciardi is a little more cautious, based on her know of working with many competitive and professional jocks: “My biggest wonder is are you done enough nutrition to meet your power necessities? And to what extent is the restrictive eating or intense practise affecting biopsychosocial functioning? ” she announced. “When I discuss standing strong in one’s recovery from an anorexia nervosa, I often use the analogy of staying away from the leading edge of a cliff. Imagine being at the Grand Canyon, and biding behind the rope in the safe neighbourhood. The further you can stay back from the edge, the less likely “youre gonna have to”‘ fall’ in your recovery.”

So it seems, then, that one can go from the calorie counting of disordered eating to calorie counting as canadian athletes with a specific food; but attend must be taken not to fall back into age-old habits. You have to understand your disease, your triggers; you need to sort out the playing voices–the ones that persuasion you into falling into hazardous province and ones that warn you to take a breath and step away.

While certain parts of my life haven’t changed, what has is my taste of beauty–which I see as a healthy sign. In my younger times, bony was pretty. I strived for lodge thin and waifish. I flip-flop through magazines and admired underfed actresses with their jutting clavicles, pointy hips, and flat chests. I knew that it was unhealthy, unfair, and most probably unattainable, but I missed it anyway.

Now, I’ve stopped chasing the thigh breach and go after thick-skulled thighs. I require a bigger as, a muscular back, strong arms. I’ve learned to admired the curves of my form instead of running away from them.

Furthermore, what I see in the reflect isn’t even the focal point anymore. I want to see what my organization can do. As a 118 -pound walking stick illustration, I knew what my form couldn’t do. It couldn’t menstruate. It couldn’t handle more than a duo gnaws of meat at a time because my belly had shrunk too much. It couldn’t climb a flight of stairs without getting tired.

That all changed. While the histories of my conflicts isn’t even remotely special, what’s uncommon about it is I knew a way out. Some might “re saying that” you never actually fully recover from an eating disorder, much in accordance with the rules that a former alcoholic is forever an alcoholic; they might say you are always an “addict.” But Dr. Ricciardi offers a bit more hope.

“The research, be included with my clinical ordeal, demonstrates that many people can fully recover from an eating disorder, have a healthy rapport with nutrient and their body, and never lapsing again, ” she said.

Sometimes recovery really is about taking it one stair, one day, one dinner at a time. The course finds right when the focus is on your well-being , not the jutting of your clavicle.

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