#so my dissertation will be something to do with that
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i have to pick my ‘specialist subject’ for next year off of a very limited list and i honestly don’t give a fuck about a single one
#i’m picking based off of the assessments#apparently you do 13 hours a week in a class of like 10 people max with someone with a lecturer who specialises in it#and i feel as though everyone else in the room will be so passionate about the subject and i’ll just be sitting there not giving a shit#won’t know anything to contribute#most people will be picking the same subject as they’re doing their dissertation on#i’m in joint honours with my main focus being classics#so my dissertation will be something to do with that#not anything to do with history#i do the bare minimum credits for that side of my degree so like 2 classes a year i don’t know nothing about nothing#so i’ve tried to put my options as somethings i’m vaguely familiar with#like ones that mention the world wars in the syllabus#at least i know what they are#i talk and its probably something weird
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weekly navel-gazing update: this week is most consequential event in long time. keyword search: "scared" "is it ok to be scared" "beaten and tortured by the ogre"




#old director of south asian studies just talked to me to let me know theyll be joining me to sit on my panel while i present two projects#in two days and intimated they could discuss supervising potential grad work or dissertations despite funding freezes#she is respected used to do the gender studies program coordinating too#and their TA PhD student super severe standoffish goth walked up to me in front of seminar to thank me for my portfolio of essays#on poverty homelessness and environmental stuff and said it was TOUCHING and i should be proud and shell also be attending#after the director of student research invited them#and research director happens to specialize in borderlands and caribbean and empire and she emailed me to say#she left me a signed copy of her book with a really lovely message#and a protein bar because she knows i have diabetes and other illnesses but bike like ten miles a day between work and school#and then she emailed me and offered car ride if i wanted#and i was touched and surprised and now im like uh oh this is important i guess#and like uh oh i really shouldve taken the week off work or something why am i working forty hours for this#well precarious rent i guess but still wish i hadnt spent past four months just going to retail job and had instead hung out more with#faculty and hope i didnt waste my chance to get to know them#also is im just going to wear that outfit to conference hope not perceived as too informal#no family whatsoever so there was no one like interested or checking in on me to like help me see that the developments were significant#a year ago i was nothing but nightshift retail with NO prospects and rapidly worsening health#and there wasnt even a glimmer of hope for possibility of positive social environment let alone school
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i think they should make up and choose gay love .... something something love conquers all
#i could write whole dissertations about them tbh#what if i was an attack dog and you were an attack dog but we both decided to choose gay love instead...what then#theres just something so appealing and intriguing about them#anyone who will listen let me speak#and erik is just so pretty........aaaaa#do they even have a ship name#henrik#herik?#henry kcd#henry of skalitz#kcd#kcd2#henry x erik kcd#henry x erik#kingdom come deliverance 2#kcd henry#erik kcd#kcd erik#kcd fanart#my art#im bicycling the hell outta henry#i hope all the 1.5 henry x erik shippers enjoy these sketches
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if i got the chance to interview oliver stark about 911, you bet your ass i wouldn’t waste a single question over something like ‘will tommy be jealous of buck and eddie’s friendship?’ after we have seen multiple times he isn’t, and most recently in the new episode. not to mention we’ve seen even eddie isn’t jealous of buck and tommy’s relationship, and we were shown that yet again in the premiere. there are so many more interesting things you could ask about buck’s actual relationship and that story, or even buck and eddie. but no.
#this isn’t aimed at that one interviewer but it’s just something i keep seeing#from people who clearly are holding out hope for buddie and will ask whatever they want to shoehorn it into buck’s relationship with someon#else#it’s just so boring and honestly predictable#you could ask ANYTHING???? and you choose…. that#i had to conduct a proper interview as preparation for my dissertation and i had to plan out questions properly that were fully relevant to#what i was investigating#there was so much consideration given to the questions#and once again for another research project where i had to#the questions were wittled down so much and tested and everything#obviously psychology and journalism are different but i just feel whatever we’re doing right now with interviews is just sad#911#911 discourse#fandom wank#911 spoilers
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"And you loved her once, too. You were inseparable. I remember the day the Featheringtons moved in across the square. From that day on, it was, “Penelope this,” and “Penelope that,” and “Penelope and I are going to read Don Quixote, and we are going to be knights.”"
Eloise Bridgerton & Penelope Featherington in Bridgerton // We're In Love by boygenius
#she is to be your sister#there is a time when that would've been your dream#me writing a dissertation explaining the metaphorical karaoke that is eloise taking part in the social season the year that she is without#penelope and the year that penelope has started actively seeking a husband. do you get it. lady whistledown pays attention to society#and eloise scorned and heartbroken only readily walks into it when shes lonely and missing the friend who writes about society.#anyway. it makes sense to me . this is just an expression of the rot so I can try and fuckin. do my job instead of thinking about this#fictional lesbian who keeps falling in love with her friends without realizing it because she doesn't know about lesbianism.#bridgerton writers you are torturing her!!#eloise bridgerton#penelope featherington#peneloise#bridgerton#eloise & penelope#constantly thinking about colin essentially calling out his sister for being in love with his wife#and then whiffing it by saying or something like. lets think on that one colin#rent the musical voice “sisters?” “we're close”
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I wish words were fungible. I mean, not really, obviously, that would negate the whole point of them being words; but when I'm working desperately to cut one article to under 9000 words, I do wish that I could take the trimmings and somehow turn them into my dissertation chapter which is currently dangerously short. You know, like when you cut out cookies and then roll out the leftover dough and cut some more.
#and yes I do save my trimmings in case I need them for something else#but unfortunately they are not on the same topic as the dissertation chapter#so are not useful for that#dissertationblogging
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🏘️
#ok besties please pray for me about the following things:#1) i just got home from my grandpa's funeral and can we pretend you knew the whole time and don't need to say anything#for whatever reason it is not something i'm wanting to process online or even really with in person friends#all's well and he's with the Lord and the funeral itself was gorgeous#but there's various pain and grieving in the family and also the family time gave me a good bit to think about#2) i have 8 days before visiting family ~again~ for a bridal shower in ohio#and leading up to this trip i was sick and the trip was moderately exhausting#and i'm feeling more and more urgently the need to actually let my body rest but the obstacles are constant#and during those 8 days i need to do a great deal of dissertation writing and editing#plus you know. easter#3) i just got sent an apartment listing for where i am moving and it feels real and pressureful in a new way#both the stress of should i go for this one do i want to deal with the problems?#and the sadness of committing to something new and letting go of here.#both those things i believe will be helped by me getting inside and eating dinner so i will be doing that soon#on the praise side this puts me close to some of my grandpa's siblings#who were all at the funeral and so excited for me#i really really love and admire that side of the family more the more i know them#they were also a really big family and very hardworking and faithful and! good at celebrating together!#ok that's all i love you guys. if there's any week to be processing big questions and having a funeral it's holy week
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I love being aromantic and autistic in a way that overlap significantly if I "ship" anything don't talk to me about romance I'm literally just playing with my touys
#cheetah.txt#i have literally dated a guy multiple times and i have no idea wtf romance is.#dont try to explain to me the boundary between platonic and romantic i literally wrote like a dissertation#on what i thought romance might be to said guy and i couldn't identify it so my conclusion is that romance is Fake.#i do not understand this social dynamic and i never will.#but i like pulling from the existing stock of Imagery for some character pairings bc its fun and dramatic#see: sifloop#otherwise if i say i 'ship' something i say it in the 'i just like these guys together' way#see: krusie...#i dont care about those two as a 'couple'i just think about their dynamic together with frequency enough to annotate it
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I had a dream last night, or early this morning, that I was reading this scholarly book about how to write a dissertation. I have no idea why. But the book kept having... utmv references? Like, it would tell you how to do something and then use utmv characters to demonstrate
I got to one point where it referenced this supposed "famed" fight of Error and Ink. They went to a wild west au and Error supposedly "braved the chacoa in the canyons."
What is chacoa?? And why did Error have to "brave" it??? I don't know, man, but that is an exact quote that I remember
Anyway. I was reading, trying to discover more about this famed fight because it sounded low key interesting. Then, the book mentioned that Ink ran into… Coshuss. It was the au's variant of Cross. Imagine a very disgruntled bounty hunter cowboy and that was him. Getting angrier and angrier because it was apparently a source of comedy that Ink was having difficulty saying his name right
All I could think was, "Yeah, same, Ink." I had no idea how to pronounce that name
Well, the librarian who was in the room with her daughter with me, the daughter eventually had to run out of the room to get something. The librarian somehow knew what part I was at and said, "You know, you can admit what you thought his name was."
I didn't know what she meant. I guess she thought it was supposed to look like a bad word?? Dream version of me thought that too since I went, "Nah, I think it looks like... Koksue. Kosueh. Koshu."
Cue me badly trying to pronounce this poor man's name. Finally, I settled on one name I pronounced consistently, "Koshussss." Basically, "Koshu" with an awkward, annoying "s" sound dragged out at the end
The librarian woman started busting a gut. I laughed along too, even though I didn't really know what was so funny. Sure, I meant my pronunciation to be kinda funny, but not that funny
I then looked at the book and that was when I saw the correct pronunciation written out in parentheses
It was supposed to be pronounced CrossCross
I literally thought that was so funny, that I snorted so hard from laughing in my dream, I woke myself up.
A part of me is sad. I kinda really do wish there was a "How to Write Your Dissertation 101" book out there with utmv references I should know, but apparently don't
#utmv#undertale au#undertale multiverse#one time i dreamt#What au or “famed fight” is this even supposed to be??#I don't know but *I want to find out*#S i i i g g h h#I'm going to have to write a cursed one shot about it; aren't I-#I don't know why I was looking up information on how to write a dissertation#I'm not even *planning* on going for one or anything#Too much work for very little other than “I can have Dr. to my name and I can teach now”#Maybe. I have no idea man; some of my professors were teaching without a doctorate#S t i l l. I don't really want to do a dissertation man#So why I was reading that book is anyone's guess#AND WHY A BOOK ABOUT HOW TO WRITE ONE CONTAINING UTMV REFS IS A L S O ANYONE'S GUESS#But honestly based#Imagine becoming so successful that you write a very popular textbook#And then you use that to reference popular and obscure facts about utmv lore#That would be so based ngl#I think the hardest part about this dream was the utmv refs were written like I should know them#Was there like... some utmv show/anime or something that dream me didn't know about; like what-
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#megawarp#megatron#skywarp#maccadam#transformers#writing my megawarp dissertation like . please someone ….. think abt them with me…#these are not intended to all be set in idw btw i just thought it was funny#imagine if i drew tfs consistently. lmao. what if#weird colors and 30 million filters bc . im gonna be honest#after working on this for like 3 weeks i am now bored with it & need to do something else#however if i do something else i Know i will never get this oke done#so weird color time#one of those cases where i prefer the sketch over the finished vers. oh well!#also the bottom left comic is based on that one time he out skywarp in charge over both thunder & screamer#bc thunder & screamer were both being annoying
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i did it u_u
#actually rather pleased with my Bronze Age abstract#Advisor is going to demolish the Other one but that's okay because I at least did something so I got the practice and I can sleep now.#It's kind of funny I was writing the Bronze Age one and I can already feel the struggle of compressing a dissertation's worth#of information into 15 minutes. Like ffs I'm supposed to speedrun oil as an extraction reductant and also talk about Egypt's alum trade?#But this is My Fault. I have done this to myself.#Okay but I'm already bubbling with excitement to talk about Leather Tanning again. Nobody was here when I went on this massive#5 hour long rabbit hole of leather tanning research because... I think I was trying to find out if you could use mushroom collagen#to replicate leather? (The answer is yes.) But it took me down this road of Leather tanning because I was trying to understand the#ion exchange that makes it supple and TLDR there's this massive exploitative industry in the Middle East and Southeast Asia that uses#Cobalt salts because the Co 3+ sits really nicely in the collagen site and you can quickly dye and destroy most of the organics from the#animal itself; but because of that you've also destroyed the texture of the leather. I forget why Al 3+ isn't used. I think it's because it#weathers over time and the leather becomes stiff and hard again. Same with Fe3+. ANYWAY. Try and find thick leather when you#do buy leather because leather IS great and I will die(dye) on this hill. But it's the exploitative textile industry that causes problems.#Honestly I've forgotten 90% of the chemistry but it's so fucking cool and a really interesting peek into an organic affected by inorganics#rather than affecting an inorganic mineral with organics. UGH I love chemistry so much. It's so fucking cool.#ptxt#christ this might be my worst tag essay lol
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me, 24 hours before my deadline: what if i defer this module
#what if i call student services tomorrow and just defer until next year#the only ideas i have are things i am completely unfamiliar with whyyyyyyyy#i was so happy i had an idea that was specific and made sense to look into#but i think it's too complicated to actually do#it doesn't sound it in theory but i'm not even slightly familiar so i can't tell#i could do a very basic report going 'from the looks of things x leads to y'#but not a 5000 word dissertation#with science#i don't want to defer i just want to think of something really soon#i don't want an extension because my other deadlines are so soon#and i am getting burnt out#and i have plans for thursday that cost money to cancel#I'm also massively over complicating but i can't see a simple simplification#it looks like it's all too complicated
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If I tell you guys I am keeping Monday and Wednesday next week free of leaving-the-house commitments do you think I'll stick to it
#if someone texts me to do something i will fold like wet kleenex unfortunately#i already agreed to things friday and tuesday#and babysitting next thursday and friday#tomorrow i have to go get milk#saturday i have a concert and a church work day#this was supposed to be my quiet week before babysitting and dissertation defense and exam proctoring and wedding travel#and then PACKING#augh#it'll be fine. my time is not my own but the Lord's#but i really did want to commit a chunk of days to reading and reflection so. monday and wednesday. pledged
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I cried because of my political powerlessness in the UK. Then I thought to myself, it was what they wanted me to feel.
In the midst of my tears, I'm writing letters to my MPs ;)
#luckily one is one of the few good ones#and the other one is starting out as an mp so idk about her#but I've emailed the prior before and she arranged a meeting a couple of days ago#I'm going to learn how to properly write emails and actually try to do something about the situation#I'm so fucking tired#I have a dissertation too#but what can I do#posting this in the dead of night for me so I don't feel the immediate consequences for posting my insecurities#uk politics#british politics
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*
#today as both been a very good and a very worrying day#I got the $10k grant I asked for from one of the prominent research forums for work in Europe and the Middle East this coming fall/winter#(plus with what they’re giving I can finally buy a brand new MacBook - mine is 7 years old. has traveled and been through so much. 1 BA 1 MA#first 3 years of a PhD. 1 new battery. and I live in fear of it dying any day. so that gives me so much relief and security)#but the north african studies associations I applied to for manuscript tutoring and archive funding all paused grants this year#so i have to rely exclusively on the Jewish studies foundation associated with my uni to give me everything for that#otherwise I can’t do it and I’ll have to move my whole June-December schedule around#and it will majorly fuck up how the initial steps of my dissertation research and drafting are mapped out#not great. especially when they don’t give decisions until mid May#there’s nothing to do but grin bear it and pray though#at least one of the two major things has gone right and I’ll have reliable hardware#plus something new and fancy to put on my CV#me stuff#not the stones
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planning document must be going well I just said the words “explaining the endurance of Platonism could be the life I’m living” to myself. Alone. At 2:30am. Because yeah. Could be.
#mrowmrowmrowmrowmrow I should be able to submit the word nya and the word nya alone in place of a second chapter#tumblr gets my planning thoughts because. yeah#I fucking hate chapter 2 so much for being a relations chapter in what began as a relations dissertation#on one hand I feel like I’m insane if I don’t talk about Origen in ReHashing Christian Neoplatonism The Dissertation but on the other hand#it is disingenuous to talk about incorporation of Platonism without addressing the vehement arguments against it#like I was there going what I would love is a good writer/writers between Justin+clem and Augustine and went well big issue is most of the#writings between actively addressing christianity and Platonism as a shared logos are arguing by against so#there is that#(I am at peace ish with the arbitrary decision to do Justin and clem for ch1 because I do think apologetics is the best genre to illustrate#the shift I’m discussing; ideal world would have me using every writer ever but. my supervisor says I can’t do that so)#but also it is so bullshit arbitrary relations chapter#I think it weakens my argumentation as opposed to contextualising it or adding complexity#it’s just like oh you were told to show opposing views and you did#clap clap whatever#I don’t know what it’s saying#in theory I’d love to find something about the root of the difficult of reconciling the two#but also what if I don’t find that#what then#Augustine must be discussed but otherwise every other writer is more or less arbitrary short of perhaps the issue of orthodoxy#but also that is what I get for doing a deeply arbitrary capstone as opposed to something with teeth#past Lewis deciding surely I will find something of substance if I engage in investigation of something I find interesting falling into the#eternal trap of contemporary humanities#things could be framed as an examination of how ideas get incorporated into canon#but also then it’s like why this as an example#and then it’s like well maybe there’s teeth in examining whether this was a part of platonism’s endurance and#you can spend a life explaining the endurance of Platonism#you can’t just say that in your introduction and conclusion and call it a day#connecting to medieval receptions is perhaps my only hope but why do medieval receptions matter I don’t know I am not a medievalist#and i fear I could spend a lifetime examining that#capstone
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